#I honestly dont know why I drew this ive just been thinking about it

[foolnamedjoey]

Random thing an aroace slapped up

#I honestly dont know why I drew this ive just been thinking about it #something give me the ick when someone kisses someone else by surprise #like thats not your call but alright

[mochiiniko]

follow up to this ask! this time im just gonna be talking about my coloring process (i also want to let you all know that im not an expert in color theory since im still learning, im quite literally just going random bullshit go on the blending modes 💀 lots of explanation under the cut)

the three blending modes i mainly use are exclusion, hard light, and overlay. from the guide above you could see how the blending modes work on their own, and how they look like combined altogether. the cool thing about blending mode layers is that it really is all about experimentation and finding the best combination for a piece (also to any fellow inabakumori enjoyers GRAHH lagtrain pose jumpscare)

i went through a bunch of blending mode phases before i ended up with those main three, though it's funny how ive been using the same overlay color for about 4 years now (multiply used to be one of them, and i still use it from time to time, just not as much). im gonna be honest the whole reason why i know about blending modes being helpful was because one time i accidentally had the fill bucket on and had a certified eureka moment 😭

the best way i could explain these three modes is:

exclusion - honestly i still dont understand how it works either 💀 when i use a really saturated blue color and lower the opacity, it gives a cooler feeling to the palette. feels like a mix of multiply and overlay with how it adjusts the colors without making it darker

hard light - gives more saturation and color

overlay - gives off a glowy effect, especially if the lineart isnt completely solid (this is why it isnt clipped on the folder as shown in the example below, keeping it above the layers gets that glowy effect)

i still use the same colors for exclusion and overlay (while i do alter them with hue saturation brightness from time to time, i just use the same blue and brown for most of my works) though hard light is what i use to make drawings lean towards a temperature

i tend to use warm colors a lot because i think theyre neat and also im biased sorry <3. as a warm palette example, i drew yinu and used this orange color on hard light and lowered the opacity

cold colors have a similar process, it's just the matter of adjusting the hard light layer. i wouldnt really say it's completely cold since i still add warm colors because im still biased </3. as a cold palette example, i drew sayu and used this purple-pink (??) color with the same settings

when it comes to drawings that have characters with contrasting palettes, it does take a bit of trial and error but i most of the time i mix both warm and cold methods like the example above. this also helps for art with several characters in general, since the blending modes help make the colors go well together despite the variety

theres also instances where i dont always use the warm + cold combo, since sometimes drawings lean towards a specific temperature instead (like environments with set lighting/shading, so usually i follow that even with characters with different palettes)

tldr; there are lots of palette combos you could make, not necessarily with just the three blending modes i mention. random bullshit go genuinely helps with experimenting with colors!!

#chiimo art shenanigans #uhhhh should i tag the fandoms these characters are from #fanart is fanart ig??? #oneshot #oneshot niko #no straight roads #nsr #chiimo ask shenanigans

[solisaureus]

What was it about Will and Nico that drew you to them, individually and/or as a ship?

nico has always been my favorite character!!! well technically that's not true it was annabeth until battle of the labyrinth (and i still love her very very much) -- i read the original series as each book was coming out so when titans curse came out in 2007 i honestly thought nico was so annoying LMAO and i thought bianca was going to be the new addition to the cast. so when she died i was totally shocked and i didnt know how to feel about nico until battle of the labyrinth came out. and then he had that dark and edgy character arc, and my dark and edgy emo 14 year old self was like "ok this kid rules actually" and hes been my fave ever since. how long has it been. (checks watch) ive been stanning nico di angelo for 15 years.

i have always loved nico because i've always related to him -- i have a lot of the same problems that nico has (catholic repression, internalized homophobia, trauma, mental illnesses, feeling like you dont belong, i could go on) and seeing him fight so hard to survive just for the chance to see the day when things might get better...it was really inspiring to me. it sounds corny but this character helped me get through some really difficult times in my life. the way that nico strove so hard to survive in heroes of olympus when he basically had nothing he wanted to live for really gave me strength to keep going too.

And thats part of why solangelo immediately appealed to me! Nico di Angelo finally finding love and laughing and allowing himself to be close to someone after i watched him endure ceaseless torment since 2007 was so gratifying. ever since their initial interaction in blood of olympus i have felt like will was so right for nico -- he was never afraid of him, he treated him the same as everyone else, he went out of his way to make nico feel wanted and refused to let nico fall back on his old self-destructive habits. and i thought it was really fitting that nico's love interest would be someone new, someone unentangled with nico's twisted past, someone he could look to the future with and heal with.

so i started liking will because he was nico's love interest, but once trials of apollo came out I got really invested in will as his own character too, and this feeling has only strengthened with the sun and the star's release. I have actually been waiting for an Apollo demigod to be a main character since I was like 12, because I've always identified with Apollo (I've had a lifelong special interest in Greek mythology lol). And Will was exactly who I was waiting for -- i love how gentle he is, i love that he's a healer, i love his relationship with Apollo, I love how much of a dork loser he is, i love how much he cares for people, and i love his dynamic with nico so much. i ended up writing my fic Solace because I couldnt stop thinking about how will was there in the background the entire time, he lost his siblings, he pined for nico, he was forced into leadership roles when he wasn't ready. and after reading tsats i LOVE how much he is filled with self-doubt and anxiety and how he loves nico so much and wants to support him and make him feel safe and loved in the ways that nico needs. he is so so so fucking good and i adore him and he is truly unlike any other character in this series.

i love nico, i love will, i love solangelo, i love how they contrast each other and yet are the same in so many ways, i love how they overcome realistic relationship obstacles to be together because after all theyve both been through they deserve to feel secure and at peace with someone they love, who they know loves them back.

#ask #anonymous #solangelo #nico di angelo #will solace

[laithraihan]

I'm the anon who sent you the long message that apparently came off "pompous & infantilizing" and more to your followers.

I find it interesting that that message sparked such a flood of defenders, when I did not send it in bad faith at all. From your answer it seems I'm lacking context so sorry if I took some of your statements the wrong way, but nonetheless I just found the parental love addition strange and reacted to that, that was all there was to it. I clearly stated (three times) I'm not taking any issue with your headcanons.

By saying they are far removed from canon I did not mean to say they are "too unrealistic" or something is wrong with that, I literally said the opposite. I meant just that, that factually, this will not be a common interpretation for someone who is familiar with the source material but not your blog. This is not a statement that I made with any judgemental value and I thought I made that very clear but apparently not.

So I'm sorry for the additional ask.

Have a nice day.

Thank you for the response.

I was fully aware you said there was no issue with what I drew, but the way you wrote everything else sort of negated that statement. At least that's how me and many other people saw it.

If someone finds what I drew strange or confusing then they could always just... block me or ask me about it (and btw I expected people to be confused, otherwise I wouldnt have labeled it "non-coupling" as soon I posted it lol)

Someone did ask me about it, and you seem to have already seen that response, yet you still felt the need to send another message basically implying that an explanation wasn't enough (turns out it actually wasnt enough because people said I was lying and in denial) and that my explanation was weird too? Which is whatever I already ended up clarifying that, English is not my first language and I type things with the help of a translator (I wish people could actually keep this in mind. I only type in English because it'll reach a wider audience and it's the language most of my followers know. Often I have to google words people tell me online, or I ask my friends fluent in English to explain things for me)

You can say "that's not what I intended" but that's how it came across... you wrote a lot of nice words while also saying it was understandable that people were ganging up on me over a drawing, it seemed patronizing.

That's why me and others took offense to it, but I think it's difficult to tell tone through text so I don't want to keep nitpicking this any further. If you say you had no ill intent then I believe you.

The following will just be me adding more context and not necessarily aimed at you: Again I understand the lack of context of my account can make people confused about my art, Ive made that clear many times.

The art I made where I said "if your parents didnt love you then it's obvious" was a direct response to people who were mocking me specifically for tagging the art as "non-coupling" because they didnt believe me. They got the context and decided I was trying to hide a fetish because a kiss on the cheek was "obviously shippy". They proceeded to compare this to drawing NSFW of Mob and Reigen by labelling it "non-ship" as if it was comparable to tucking a child into bed, that's what upset me. I did absolutely nothing to these people, I dont know them, if they said this privately I wouldnt care but it was public, and they also targeted another friend of mine for no reason.

All Im gonna say is that my drawing shouldnt have caused this much controversy in the first place. I labeled it "non-coupling" as soon as I posted it, which should've been enough honestly. It's not like I posted porn or anything like that, I got the idea from something Ive experienced in my family as a teenager and I could easily google stock images of the exact same scenario to use as reference, like I really didnt think it was that bad.

Anyways I think I've explained myself many times already. Im not gonna be hostile and say to people "roh t9awed dont ever send me anything else related to this" but just.. check if Ive already answered your question so that it doesnt end up being repetitive. If you have a question about this that I havent answered yet, then feel free to ask.

#asks

[aamethyst000]

Feeling more productive, everyday (May 6,24 - 7:19pm)

Ever since i bought this laptop, i have been noticing that i am a little more productive in the house hold. i'm getting up a lot more easier to do my chores (altough i'm still bitchy about it but i'm still doing said chores while being bitchy about it lmao), i actually drew something on my laptop! not to mention i am actually cooking dinner on time......ish. its still better than starting at 9pm to finally cook dinner. Anyway, my litlle brother and i are going tp head up to the store in a bit to grab some ingredients and snacks for tonight. i am making meat loaf and rice tonight!~ I do want to mention, that i am still struggling with my sleep schedule, going to bed at 4-5 in the morning, then getting up at 2-3 the next day, rinse and repeat. i dont know how i'm still functioning right now. At the moment, i'm running on 2 cups of coffee and one meal, i call that a win in my book. I'm still debating on whether or not i really want to buy the boox palma when i can do the exact same thing on my phone, just with a different screen and no texting. The boox palma runs on android, thank god. I think that why i want it so much, is to have a seperate device to read on. now that i have a different device to write my journals in.

8:17pm - my little brother and i just got home from the store, now i am going to start cooking our dinner tonight and watch some shera on netflix! then i think im going to play conkers bad fur day after supper <3

9:37pm - Dinner is almost done and i washed a few plate n forks that we need, now i am just watching shera while dinner is cooking. i'm on my third cup of coffee and i have been yelled at by my uncles cat ever since i came back from the store, poor thing lmao he just wants my attention. only in my room though, it doesnt seem to be the same im im in the kitchen or in the living room. it doesnt make sense to me but it does to the kitty, so i try not to fight with him, its hard to do so when i have stuff to do throughout the day. My kitty was the same way ysterday, all clingy and shit, not that i minded, i really love it when they are like that. it cheers me up.

honestly though, this feels so much better writing my journals here than on paper. at least this way, my laptop has a passowrd that no one in the house can get into. though it kind of sucks that it is a requirement to change my password every few months. why they even set it up like that is beyond me. i wonder what it'll be like if and when i actually go to a cafe and type out my journal entries there. its noce to imagine, but at the same time, the crowd would overwhelm me lmao then again, it's something i should get used to if i want to go back to work again. i just wish that the places i work at dont fckn ghost me, if and when they decide to let me go. that would be nice fir once. especially if i did something wrong to be let go like that. like, why are they even allowed to do that? but when the employees do that, just up and leave the work place or quit on the spot, we get go on the list of "do not hire"? kind of stupid isnt it?

i think im about to go on a rant in a sec, so i'm going to do something else, see if i still feel the same way about it later on. if i do, i'll talk about it here lol

9:56pm - now that i got that out of my system, i still feel the same way, i just dont feel the need to rant about it. i think ill just sit on this feeling and think about it. considering that there is nothing that i can personally do, to change said circumstances. anyway, change of subject, im finally listening to audio books now! since it got onto spotify, ive been taking advantage of it and i am so happy that i am! i think thats part of the reason why i have been feeling a little motivated today. i think im starting to love audio books now, im thinking of dowloading the app later on, or as soon as i can get a stable and steady job again, cause this is getting ridiculous, even for me.if i was living on my own, id either be on the streets or back to living with my mother again. reality sucks but oh well, what can i do other than look for another job. the village sucks for job hunting, especially if its just the canery, brighter feature, and assistant teacher. 2 of those i do not like because it involvles interacting with kids, which i am not used of. the other involves 12-14 hours of just standing there or stacking. not a lot of choices for me to choose from, thats for sure. i used to work at the clinic but they havent called me back in nearly a year. same with the school, after the pandemic started, i was never called back. hence why i wanted to rant about the whole " work places just up and ghost you" bullshit. stuff like that really annoy me so much. which is why i am so worried about moving, what if pg does the same? i look for a job for months, never get hired, be expected to pay rent each month i am unepmloyed AND buy myself groceries. not to mention the transportation, the area id live in and if every single one of them just fucking ignore me. since ive been planning this with my best friend, i told her about wanting to save up enough to pay 3 to 4 months of rent, have enough for groceries, and a few furniture if we find a place that needs it. she took note of it after i told her my olfer brothers experience and mine. it can be really stressful when no one hires you. it really makes you think if any of that, is because of whats on your resume, or what i say in most of my interviews, i dont even feel comfortable lying to them, just so i can get the bloody job and start making and saving money. like ive been planning for so many years. i just wish that adulting is so much easier. but that would be too much to ask of our prime minister. selfsih piece of shit. Anyway, dinner is nearly done cooking so i am going to go back to watching shera and enjoy our late dinner, again. i like that i started typing a lot more here than i did on my phone. i love it, i almost dont want to stop, almost.

12:07am - we have just finished having our supper and MY G O D was supper ever so yummy~ i couldnt finish my plate so i think im going to give the rest to my little brother, but at the same time. i want to keep it for myself for when i get hunry for it again. i think im going to go bath tonight and then set up my trans tape for tomorrow. ill be buying more i think next week wen i have more money in my bank. which, btw, i need to go down to the band office and take out cash again. cause honestly, i want to stop myself from spending so much money in one go. i want to get better at that, i will acknowledge, though, that i have been doing really well on not spending so much. i managed to save more than enough after the rupert trip with my littlw brother. im really proud of that <3

12:36am - i am going to get ready for a bath now, had my 4th (forth) cup of coffee and 0 (zero) cups of water. i gotta catch up on that one. i used to be able to keep up with my water intake. well, except for when i was a teen, i hated the taste of plain water, so i remember avoiding drinking water unless absolutley necessary, which, at the time, was kind of rare for me to do. i was drinking one to two cups of water every other day. i was an absolutely stubborn child, i hated being wrong lmao i still kind of do, actually. im just not as stubborn as i was before, at least not to the point where im putting my health on the line. so yeah, i guess i still hate being wrong most times lmao

should i bring this up in my therapy appointment? i think i should. or rather, i feel like i should, but i dont want to. i just want to make the appointment again, and just fckn rant my therapist ear right out. maybe ill feel better afterwards and be better on my own time schedule management with my friends and family. i was so afraid to become that adult who is almost never home, drinking and doing ddrugs a lot, to the point where someone may take advantage of me at my lowest. however that may look. that i stayed home way more than a normal person considers "normal". i dont know how else to put it. i just know that my best friend is very sick of it and so am i. im 25 going to be turning 26 this year and i should and want to act like it for once in my life. i know that, physically, im no longer a teenager anymoe but in my brain, im jumping from 14, 16,17 and18 all in one go it seems. but i think ill save this topic for another time. kekekekekekeke

good night, readers! <3

#happy #lgbt #2spirit #journalist #journal #journalist amethyst000 #lgbtq #they/them #journal entry #queer #gay #love

[huckleberryblossom]

hey can i ask for a tutorial or guide on how to draw a cat body? i've been struggling for days

just to get it out of the way since anyone you ask is going to say this, references are your best friend and will make this a lot easier

a friend of mine shared this site which has lots of good references, not just for cats but lots of things. if im looking for something specific, i usually google something like "cat curled up" and just scroll for a while or use multiple references to get what i want.

but as for how I draw a cat body, i use references but honestly a lot of what i do is a result of just having spent so long studying references (and how other artists drew them! sometimes studying what artists are doing can help you translate realism into whatever style you're going for) that i kind of just know where certain bones go/how the muscles would stretch or contract

this is how i tend to visualize the body at its most basic. the parts i highlighted are the pieces i use to ground the anatomy: the shoulder, the haunch, the elbow, the ankle, the paws, and the skull. their shape tends to change very little from pose to pose, which is why i exaggerate/define them so strongly. they're usually what i sketch first and use to get the pose the way i want it. everything else is stretchy and fluid to "connect" these pieces of the body.

here's an example of the parts using a photo from that site i linked

and the way it looks without the ref, vers what i drew by looking at the ref!

these are pretty standard walking/standing poses, but the idea works for more complex poses.

i havent really said much about it, because most of what i draw are refs, and they dont really have dramatic poses or difficult perspective, but its up to you to decide how much anatomy you're willing to sacrifice to get a more fluid motion, or a dramatic shot. i think this is where those guiding "pieces" of the body is helpful for me, because i can lay down those pieces and then do what i need to to connect them, so i may lose a little bit of exaggeration but the body doesn't look broken.

you can see that in action here, with this anniversary piece i did. my first sketch was only meant to get down expression, pose, and movement (i changed raven's completely, lmfao) and unfortunately i dont have anything for the steps inbetween because i think i refined on one layer. but i kept the vibe the same even after cleaning up the sketch and fixing the anatomy issues.

fur is one of the last things i draw when i draw cats. i like to get the body shape and movement down first, and then cover it with fur if i have to. i think this ref is a pretty good example of that

on the left is how i start most of my drawings, getting the pose down and everything where i want it. i make edits to this until i like the body shape (notice how the belly is much larger, and all of the limbs are thicker + the paws are big) then i use that sketch as guiding lines for all of the fur placement. the fur here ends up covering nearly all of the body, but it still looks fine because the anatomy was there to start with

i hope this helps anon skjfdhfkgjh ive never made a tutorial like this before. there's definitely better ones out there by other wc artists, but i dont have links to those posts on hand, maybe some of my followers can link them? good luck to you!! ill leave you with one last piece of advice you'll also hear a lot: just keep drawing! we all improve with time and practice, and are always learning and trying new things.

#and that post isnt including all of the art i did before i had the ability to make digital art #ive got some oooold paper drawings

[skadream]

Rudy's Book Reviews: You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell

yeah thats right im gonna be a phannie on main for a second. this is the start of my book review series which i hope to actually folow through with lol. this one ive been listening to as an audiobook but i do have the physical copy as well cuz im like that! next review will hopefully be gideon the ninth so tune in for that, but for now, read this review under the cut:

this book is a practical mental health guide, honestly a lot of it is stuff that you can learn in therapy so like if you have a therapist that you like then maybe its not worth it BUT theres like slim pickins for mental health books that arent just anecdotal evidence without actually talking about what people did to help them get better, just "yea i was sad but then i got therapy ✌️" or books that are so couched in psychiatric jargon its hard for a layperson to get into OR just vaguely inspiring bullshit.

its all written with the help of an actual licensed psychologist person, so no bullshit, no just do yoga and drink water shit (although obviously exercise and hydration and physical health are talked about) and yes he mentions medication and LICENSED therapy if those end up being necessary steps to take with your mental health!!! which again, in the world of self help type books, tends to be rare advice which is DEPRESSING IN A DIFFERENT WAY LMAO.

ofc it should go without saying that a book can never be a replacement for therapy but Considering How The World Is, this book is good for like maybe stepping into learning some coping skills as well as figuring out a plan before, during, and after crisis mode. i would say the tone is more serious than humorous but dan puts a lot of his own natural snarky sarcasm stink all over this book which obv that can be a taste thing if youre not into brit sarcasm mode but as a One Of Those i like it lol

in terms of Dan And Phil™️-isms, theres a sprinkling of cute winks and nods and inside jokes that people who drew sharpie cat whiskers on their faces as teens would understand but Normies will not find to be out of place or anything, there's also some storytimes of like his previous tours or living as a dropout youtuber being stress-inducing and things like that but not a ton which i kinda prefer cuz it makes it easier for me to recommend this book to people who dont give a shit about Phandom Memes

theres an introduction which is kind of a short summary of who dan is, basically just summarizing his youtube videos talking about depression and when he came out as queer and all that fun stuff, if youre a psycho hardcore fan person like me you might find it to be a long and unnecessary read, but if youre someone who didnt know about this guy and are curious as to why he would even write a book like this its a pretty good synopsis.

the american cover has dan's stupid face on it, and as someone who is a big fan of dan's stupid beautiful face, i wish we had the EU version with like tasteful yellow stripes on it bc it looks so nice, but i mean i just keep it on my bookshelf with the spine showing which is just a nice yellow spine with the title and looks unassuming so its not THAT big a deal lmaoo.

in terms of the audiobook, dan's voice is quite soothing and there's all these like audio cues and fitting music which i really like. the only downside is, for example, he reads out this timed breathing exercise that is meant to be like a five minute exercise, but it's not actually timed? so like i want to do the breathing exercises along with him reading it out but he reads it so fast its kinda like bro slow down you said breathe in for five seconds why you going ahead two seconds later homie. thats my only criticism i think obv if you are reading it and not listening you can just do the exercises by timing yourself lol.

ummmm idk if im gonna give a number at the end of these reviews!!! i give this book a big thumbs up!! 👍 woohoo yeah baby i am very proud of dan's current life journey thing that he's going on and i think this is a great book for people who need help which is everyone alive today right now :)

#rudyreviews

[chaosinmarz]

28/12/2022

sweet day, went to the aquarium and drew so many fishes. might send them to the aquarium in an email because im constantly there when visiting my family. possibly the best day to watch the octopus as it was very active (i have never realised how big it is!!)

had burritos w a friend and my brother for lunch and they were amazingg worth every cent tbf and then went to the city center to go to my fav art store and to muji.

didnt buy anything at the art store, i really want to get into watercolours again but im so busy with university i dont even have time to paint, so i cant really justify buying more expensive paints… i currently work with the van gogh talens watercolours but im getting so sick of the colours, and the box is not portable enough… i also have the 12 set from kuretake gansai tambi and i love them to pieces but again, not very portable… i need to do more research but my dream in regards to watercolour is to buy a tiny metal box and fill it with half pans of nice paint, with nice colours :) the already made sets just all kinda feel the same and i feel like im at a point with my art where i can start tailoring to my favourite colours !

at muji i bought some refills for my black 0.5 pen as i dont have a muji store in notts when im at uni and i would honestly kill for that pen. i also got a blue and a red one mainly for my sketchbook ! ive seen so many people sketching w blue and i kinda fell in love with it to be fair, plus i love red so why not :) also got some nice green and gray highlighters which im quite excited about! i got a planner as well, but i dont really think i will use it for planning as notion has been working very well for me, but i might use it for journaling like a small sentence a day type beat.

got back home and realised our puppy hid the tv remote… its stuck in the news channel now, but i guess it could be worse?

not really looking foward to going back to uni, but i keep telling myself that im almost done with it, as im graduating in july !!! but i know that realistically, ill probably want to go back to uni as soon as im working.

#online diary #december 2022 #2022 #online journal #diary #journal #art talk #watercolour #muji #muji pen #muji planner #stationary #aquarium

[glitchbirds]

tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long

ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school

also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.

i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.

ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.

(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)

as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)

ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.

which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought. like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.

i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.

idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.

so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.

Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.

#i went out of my way to figure out how to disable reblogs for this post instead of just trying to make it look unappealing to reblog #so that should tell you something #txt

[ess-presso]

your fic recs have been absolutely superior so ty. my turn! engraved upon my heart (in letters deeply worn) by inkpot_winters - jegulus little women au. need i say more. (also bc little women was in your top books)

taylor time! sad beautiful tragic, the moment i knew, and the way i loved you! ( i keep thinking im repeating ones ive already said so if i give u one i already said just ignore it LOL)

chat time!

drarry being a guilty pleasure is so real. like drarry and jegulus is same ship different font so u cant go wrong.

and being used as a personal grammarly by friends? SO real. my best friend cant spell for shit and ive been her dictionary and autocorrect since we kids.

okay but red converse is so james of you. i have red converse as well (i think i wore nothing but my red converse for an entire year when i was 16) but i like to change it up with my green or black converse too (i drew stars and moons all over the rubber part on my black ones because. i have to make everything in my life about wolfstar obviously)

GREEK MYTHOLOGY KIDS UNITE! this makes me so happy. truly a superior breed. i guess my obsession just bled into my academic career and here i am LOL. and dont worry, caecilius est in horto is a joke here too (at least it was in my intro to latin class, i feel like the average canadian would be lost)

love that u want to save lives. thats so cool of u. my best friend is a nursing student and shes the most badass person ive ever met so maybe its a prerequisite to be cool if u save lives.

(also wanting to be an agent after watching a spy movie is SO REAL like i swear my divine purpose becomes being a cool ass kicking agent, until reality dawns on me and i remember im just. a random person)

your top books list is so good. i love little women SM & ive heard so many good things about if we were villains (i really need to get on reading that)

also JUMANJI i love that movie. so good. and the hunger games movies ofc just classics at this point. and help the woman calling herself the kim k of businesswomen in the apprentice is so funny some people say the funniest things.

id love to visit new york too. concrete jungle where dreams are made of, obviously. the big gulp cup. god i want one too. (we have them in canada but i think ours are way smaller?)

your jewelry sounds so cool. i love the hp pandora bracelet thats so cool & rings! i love rings sm i cannot leave the house without them.

pop tarts & chinese takeout is such a good combination. perfect comfort food fr.

and a fellow cat person! i like dogs but i love cats sm. i have 3 and theyre my most favourite little creatures on the planet.

an INFJ! very remus of u. (at least i think hes an INFJ? idk i saw a tiktok about it lol) im an INTJ so im living up to my reg kinnie status.

stars is such a good choice. i will always be a star person too (and hello? im an ex-astronomy student too thats so funny). theyre just so pretty and i swear i could stare at them for hours.

christmas is my fav holiday too!! ive actually always wanted to visit london at christmas time it sounds so nice. do you get much snow during the winter? we dont get much snow here so honestly anywhere that gets snow at christmas sounds great to me.

I ACTUALLY DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT JAMES OPENED THE DOOR??? i think i read some dumb thing somewhere where he opened the door wearing a lightning mcqueen costume and it really stuck with me😭 i guess i decided that was canon to me LOL

question answer time!

fav rarepair - oh god i dont even know. i tend to always enjoy the more popular ships. although i did read a fake dating fic where james and evan fake dated to make barty and reg jealous, and ofc barty and reg fake dated to make james and evan jealous. (a star for a summer's day by moony_reggie if u wanna check it out!) so ill say james x evan. they had more chemistry together than i would've expected.

fuck marry kill james sirius remus - GOd. i cant even answer that question thats like the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me. uhmmm ill fuck them all, and then marry them all. if i had to kill someone itd be myself because i cannot be responsible for any of their deaths THEYVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!

place i wanna visit - id love to visit new zealand. im a HUGE lord of the rings fan and they filmed the movies there so id die if i ever got the chance to visit. ive actually always wanted to visit london too (and a lot of the UK in general, especially wales and scotland) as well as italy & greece! i visited both on a school trip a few years ago and it was a dream come true but id love to go back.

fav book/book series - another brutal question but ill try:

picture of dorian gray

song of achilles

percy jackson series

shadowhunter chronicles (yes its the incest series NO THEYRE NOT ACTUALLY SIBLINGS I SWEAR! we dont talk about it.)

mara dyer series by michelle hodkin (underrated and so good)

hp series ofc

hunger games ALWAYS.

six of crows duology my beloved <3

most embarrassing thing ive ever done - oh man. okay lets see. when i was in 10th grade i had to take a spanish oral final at the end of the school year but i am an ANXIOUS woman and did not wanna do that so i skipped my spanish class until the end of the year. my best friend was in my class and my teacher kept asking her where i was until one day she told my teacher i had CHLAMYDIA and thats why i was gone. i guess her excuse worked because the teacher never asked again. the next year any time i saw that teacher in the hall she gave me a funny look but . i guess mission success? i never did have to take that final so. LOL

favourite thing i own - i have a set of lightsabers (yes im a star wars nerd (derogatory)) but also i have the ring from the lord of the rings! my precious truly.

if my life was a movie - i truly dont think my life is interesting enough to have an exciting title. i think the best i can come up with is "the underwhelming adventures of a crazy cat lady and her books". and thats just like abysmal so.

YOUR TURN!

do u have any pets?

fav fanfic trope?

do u have any weird talents?

whats your gas station order?

fav flower/plant?

fav planet?

and simply because now i have to know, most embarrassing thing youve ever done?

fav instrument sound? (like what sounds most pleasing to your ear)

and thats all! i eagerly await your responses and in the meantime ill be over here doing a little dance.🕺

-bee

bee hello hello hello 👋 i missed u <333

jegulus little women au ??? on god , sign me up for this right the fuck now. (& little women is genuinely so good. amylaurie truther 5ever>>>>)

(fic rec for u - no bright line by lady_grey - w/ sirius being an actor, remus being a historian & lily being the filmaker & matchmaker who fixes them up. james and harry are just there for the vibes honestly.)

tay tay -

sad beautiful tragic - JEGULUS - ‘long handwritten note’ - HELLO???? mr rab with the locket?? ‘kiss me try to fix it’ james trying to tell regulus to come and come that he’ll save reg , but reg already knowing he’s beyond repair. ‘for the life of us we can’t get back’ WHAT WHAT. they should’ve been happy your honour. ‘we both wake up in lonely beds in different cities’ the different places they wake up in especially during the summer holidays. ‘beautiful magic love there. what a sad beautiful tragic love affair.’ THEM THEM THEM THEY HAD SOMETHING SO SPECIAL AND THEY WERE SO TRAGIC.

the moment I knew- BLACK BROTHERS- i had to think about this one because I didn’t think anyone of my ships would betray each other like in this song. just not turn up or anything. BUT OF COURSE ! black brothers angst. i can just imagine sirius being like ‘bro i’m coming to your party bro’ & reg waiting but he doesn’t come because he’s getting smashed with the marauders. AHHHHH OH MY GOD NOW I’M ALL HURT. ‘your close friends seem to know when there’s something wrong’ - James being all ‘sup reg what up with u dude u seem a little depresso.’ i can just feel this song. very them .

the way i loved you - JEGULUS - i love this in the context of that jegulus had to break up and bartylus begins but then reg keeps thinking of james , like to me ‘frustrating intoxicating complicated’ is something reg would SO use to describe james. (ps - i’ve heard people use this for remus-grant in which it’s remus singing the song about sirius which i also agree with!)

now chatting time-

drarry ! i love them so much ! ‘harry had never been less interested in quidditch, he was rapidly become more and more obsessed with draco malfoy’ like BRO . i know what you are. ‘the boy who lived’ more like the ‘bi who lived’

and the personal dictionary thing is so real , isn’t it? it’s always like ‘ess check this’ ‘ess is there an a in definite’ ‘ess why is there a red line under this word’ .

and yes i agree red converse is very very james of me ! i love them so much they’re very dear to me. and green and black converse ??? very slytherin of you (i think the stars are so real of you #wolfstar5ever) i actually have a pair of stars converse !! on the little flap thingy , there is a little moon stitched on as well! when i saw them i was like ‘ i must own these’.

AND YES GREEK MYTHOLOGY FOREVER !!!! WE ARE THE BEST !!! the trojan horse was my obsession as a kid lmfao. i love that you took it to the next step though i could never do latin for so long ! (and i’m glad caecilius est in horto carries everywhere. it’s a staple of latin classes honestly.)

AND YESSSS saving lives is for cool people only ? are u a loser ? do you want to save lives ? if yes then u are no longer a loser ! (and nurses are definitely badass good on your best friend for opting for that)

(after the movies end i always be in the toilets staring into the mirror having an existential crisis like ‘well i’m gonna be in the mi6 now better get to training’ then the toilet flushes behind me and i get back to reality.)

little women ❤️❤️❤️❤️ (the 2019 movie >>>) ( and yes you must read iwwv that book changed my brain chemistry forever)

AND JUMANJI JUST SLAPS SO HARD HONESTLY!!! kevin and the rock together >>> . AND THIS YEAR’S APPRENTICE is on crack fr. if you watch it , you’ll notice there’s one guy who looks exactly like the hyde , honestly. and lord sugar saying ‘i hear you own a pest control business. any tips on how to get rid of piers morgan’ LIKE BRO YOU WENT HARD.

yes new york oh my god new york seems like the place that would make or break u. (not to mention that americans are a bit of a novelty here . like the candies , the cheetos the accents >>>) AND THE AMERICAN BIG GULP IS LIKE HUMONGOUS. HUGE . I must try it. (you have them in canada ??? that’s so cool)

RINGS ARE SO COOL. makes me feel all mysterious n shit , but i do too much lab work to handle wearing them all the time.

pop tarts & chinese takeout are simply superior. i don’t make the rules??

YOU HAVE CATS ??? I DON’T (yet. i plan on getting a black cat with green eyes. but a black cat) THAT’S SO SWEET AND AWESOME AND COOL AHHHHH. cats are so adorable honestly. (what are the kitties names ? i must know them and shower them with love from me !)

and yes INFJ !!! i love chocolate , but unfortunately i am not a werewolf so not totally remus. INTJ?? you little reg kinnie i see you there.

stars honestly i love them. light pollution is just so damning in london though. (and what??? that’s such a freaky coincidence oh my god !!!)

AND YES CHRISTMAS I LOVE CHRISTMAS !!! we did get snow last year but it melted pretty fast. We actually got frost a couple days ago , but not proper snow. i’m waiting for a real proper snow day again where the snow actually stays for ages. and lmfao you don’t get snow in canada ?? whenever i imagine canada i always think of three things - snow , maple syrup & mooses. it upsets me that not all of these things are everywhere in canada.

AND LMFAO NOT THE JAMES DOOR THING ??? it’s such a funny little thing because i see people bashing him for being dumb and opening the door and i’m like ‘guys.no’ (but he defo was wearing a costume.like that’s just the truth .)

your questions -

just enjoying the popular ships and not having a rarepair is so real of u. like yes i’m a basic bitch and i just want my jegulus + wolfstar. so what?? (and james & evan?? hmm never heard that before , i’m gonna have to check it out.) my rarepair is really really weird. brace yourself. it’s pansy x percy. i read one fic with them and i thought that was really cool so i think they’re sweet to read now and then! (the fic was the secretary by pacificrimbaud btw - recced by me but do read the tags for extra warnings ik not everyone likes that. it has wild child personal assistant pansy and rude controlling boss percy.)

not being to choose between them is so real . (me however ?? fuck james marry sirius kill remus. love u moonpie but mummy’s got a job to do.)

visiting places where movies got filmed is so surreal though isn’t it ?? and a lotr fan?? my mate’s one and she gave me the silmarillion to read for xmas . (it’s going to take me at least seven months to read because i read (1) page and got confused already.) AND VISIT LONDON YESSS !! very cool here usually , as long as you don’t bump into any roadmen. (I also want to go to italy and greece. Especially venice and athens >>>)

your fave books , i’m going through one by one

podg - isn’t ben barnes in the movie ?? so many edits i’ve seen of him with potd scenes , honestly i’ve got to read the book (& watch the movie of course , to sate my desire.)

‘name one hero who was happy’ & ‘ i am made of memories’ haunt me forever.

pjo is honestly so iconic. i’m waiting for the big old series to come out now.

IS THIS THE ONE BASED ON RON X GINNY FIC ?? like the one that goes ‘you’re my sister , my blood , i should want to protect you’ 😀😀😀 but i trust your judgement here bee!

never heard of this one. but i did just search it up , and the blurb is interesting so i’ve added it to my tbr !

hp did have my little year five self in a chokehold.

THE HUNGER GAMES OH MY LORD >>>>> peeta mellark and his baby bombs my god>>>

and soc ! i would read it except i have been spoiled for a certain chapter 40!

NOT YOU SKIPPING THE SPANISH CLASSES BECAUEE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DO THE ORAL??? just say me llamo been and pass the exam 🤨🤨🤨🤨.now u got chlamydia too . and the teacher looking at you like ‘damn how she get chlamydia , this bitch be getting around.’

OMG LIGHTSABERS ??? i would so fight with them all the time that’s so so so awesome. (just looked up the lotr ring. it looks so elegant!)

ahhhh being a crazy cat lady >>>> (not abysmal cats beat people anyday.) my movie would be ‘drunk procrastinator’ because honestly i never do things on time and a little bit of sippy sip does release the stress sometimes. (the things i’ve done when under the influence will haunt me. my best friend has so much blackmail material on me .)

MY QUESTIONS —>

unfortunately not yet. but i do want to get a cat , so i’ll get on that asap.

when person a smells person b in amortentia , or when person a is given veritaserum and admits they like person b. i’m a sucker for that shit >>>

my weird talent is that i can eat an entire bowl of cereal in under ten seconds !! not useful at all , but it’s weird so yes , i consider it a talent !

i had to look up what a gas station was i got so confused. we call them petrol stations here so i was like ‘tf is a gas station’ BUT ANYWAYS! I don’t even have a car unfortunately, but my chauffeur (best friend) does and obviously i abuse the best friend privileges, and whenever he needs petrol i always get a pack of gum , a can of sprite (+ a diet coke for the driver man). (this is what you mean by gas station order , yes ? gas stations in canada don’t have restaurants in them right?)

favourite flower - poppies ! i adore poppies ! + lavender they’re so pretty // favourite plant - hyrdrangeas ! (they’re classified as shrubs so they count) very sweet and nice.

favourite planet - gonna be a real one and choose my gal pluto. she’s still a planet to me , okay???

i was at a funeral when i got a phone call . my phone was NOT on silent. and the worst part ? my ringtone was baby got back , so now the deceased’s family have a memory of ‘turn around stick it out even white boys got the shout , baby got back!’ in the middle of someone’s eulogy.

saxophone ! that shit RELAXING AS FUCK !

q’s for you to answer next time you come around -

what the fuck is putin (not the president)

unpopular opinion about the marauders

unpopular opinion in life

Dream car

do you watch the apprentice?

do you believe in soulmates ? (romantic or platonic?)

what’s your hidden talent?

Favourite villain ?

ever had your heart broken ?

ever broken a heart?

(bee you know the drill by now !! don’t be too long , I’ll miss you<333)

#ess waters a plant #bee <33 #ess’s marauders x ts crossover

[the-kipsabian]

💫🎀🎉💞💥🍭💎🪄💌

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? i honestly love everything i get be it just 'good' or a keyboard smash or anything, but ive always been extra fond of feedback that states the commenters favorite part of the fic or picks apart their favorite sentences etc. cause to me that feels like they took the time not only to read, but also to try to invest themselves in the story and understand it and what the words i was putting down were fully trying to convey. they are the very special kinds to me personally <3

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing its the one i can keep repeating to the very end, but i love the way i can convey emotions in scenes. i think im pretty hecking good at that honestly

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!) oh wow i havent. actually rewarded myself for finishing and posting since i started doing it again lol. i do give myself credit when its due cause i think my work is pretty good at the moment so i dont feel like im posting subpar stuff, but i also dont know what to reward myself with. i cant afford anything and little things dont bring me much joy rn honestly lol. stay tuned maybe i figure this out

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language characters (and their relationships) and the overall mood. i usually want to convey a certain feeling through a scene so thats my top priority, and i take pride in my character work a lot so thats also up there, trying to make them feel as real as possible. reading-wise im a plot person tho, or again the mood is really important to me

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. (unspirisingly) insomnia. i just thought it was really cute. it also helped my anxiety while working on it and reading it afterwards a few times so like. yeah. its also the piece that got me into writing kip so thats very special

🍭why did you start writing? i have always liked stories. i was a lonely child with no friends and talents, writing was the one thing i was maybe good at and ppl complimented me on when i dared to share something with them. currently im doing it as an outlet and cause it just makes me happy and my god nobody else is writing these fics and ships (except you <3) and someone fucking has to LOL

💎why is writing important to you? i mean its pretty much the same answer as above lol. im sad, im lonely, trying to make something that makes me happy since i have almost completely fallen off from the drawing bandwagon and i need a creative outlet. its the one way im most comfortable expressing myself and it keeps me sane rn. its like the One Thing i feel im actually good at i guess

🪄what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic? recently i think all ive done after finishing something is either eat or go to bed lol. i also more often than not let the written stuff simmer for a while, depending how im feeling about it if its an hour or a few days before editing and posting so im not constantly overworking myself, but yeah. food and/or sleep is the most common thing rn. as stated above, i cant afford any big things to celebrate with and small things barely give me any sort of happiness rn

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited! i love how this question immediately drew my brain into a blank lol. i dont really have a lot of things actually in works right now, i just have a very long list of ideas and requests, theres only like. actually three things im trying to work on that i have started (and i might have to scrap at least one of them hmm). but immortal fears is always good!! chapter 3 WILL happen eventually, its maybe 2/3 written right now and i just really. REALLY enjoy writing chuck. so im excited to share that and hope that people like him as much as i do!!

fic writer asks ~

#thank you for asking! <3 #midnightpretenders0

[wildheadtendsherhair]

2023/02/02

Skin Picking

Havent been on here a while since ive been picking so little, its hard to remember to post! Ill take that as a partial win. But anyway, can you guess why im back? Yep, its day 0 again. And surprise surprise, my skin is bumpy and red again. When i was still on my streak, its amazing, i could use however much lotion i wanted and not breakout. It truly wasnt any products, it was just me touching my face all the time. I still got blackheads, but they were so hard to see because they werent red. I was disappointed to to figure out that acne pads arent enough to get rid of blackheads. I think i have to at least scratch off the top layer? I dont know. Grr! Honestly tho when blackheads arent angry i find i dont mind them much. Hardly at all, actually.

Hair

Great. Still so short! I still look like a fairy pixie, but sometimes by nightfall i just look like an oily unkempt person, and its not because of sebum. Just something about the uneven ends and the short length. Tempted to get it cut, but theres not really any good options? Cutting off and inch would probably dramatically decrease the frazzledness, but not comletely eliminate it, *and* it would be an inch shorter. I only have four inches! I wish i kept more track of how fast my hair grows. Ive heard half an inch is average. See heres the thing people dont think about when trimming hair—its inherently temporary. If you trim half an inch, thats one months worth of growth. By the end of the next month, you'll have grown another half inch. But, the growth will be uneven. So youre back to where youve started, right? No wonder it felt like i could not grow my hair out past a certain amount once my mom started making me get "the split ends cut off". Itll probably all be worth it when it gets long. Unkempt but cool & cute wild animal [insert pic of Power]. That said, i do wonder how long itd need to be to get the dorky but clean Queen's Gambit haircut…

Diet

Still doing Weight Watchers. I hecked up this week, ate under. Ended up binging last night. But it was the first time in a long while, so im proud of what ive accomplished. Silver lining, i mean. It was a very sucky experience being that full. Painful, even. But ive recovered! And im gonna be more liberal with my points earlier in the day. No point in being cautious if i can always eat 0-point foods at the end of the day, and it becomes an imperative to not if im regularly hitting the end of the day with spare points. It was a bit of a successful experiment, because i wanted to see if me eating under naturally would hurt me later, and, well… But im a little worried, because me eating whatever and "lots" this morning has only led to a normal breatfast of ten points. And ive been eating until about an hour ago, so i may not be hungry for a timely lunch. :( But i am feeling peckish for a sub, so maybe soon ill order one and not shy away from the sauce. My point target isnt a minimum, its a, well, *target*! Wow! What a riddle!

Mood

Ive been on edge this week, after a week of feeling phenomenally well. I blamed it on work, but, maybe it was my eating? Or its a factor? Hard to say. I do have quite a few things started that i havent finished, and i think those are hanging on my mind; go long enough and it become tiring but you forget why. Its a hypothesis. Other than that, its been a great week. Started a cool playthru with some friends (and its a japanese project too), checked out warhammer for the first time and had a blast, study group has been great, i got back into DDR, and might go with a cool girl this weekend, i drew for the first time in forever and it turned out great (oh man i love my apple pencil). Fruitful month, january was. I might just need to remind myself to and practice relaxing. Worked for my sleep!

#no-pick challenge #day 0

[0thsense]

29 9 2022

i feel better today. i didnt get too much work done today because i kept running into annoying problems, but other than that the day was pretty nice. i hung out with reggie today. at first i was worried that he too treated me with the aloof attitude i feel like i received from ned, but he opened up to me more as the day went on. i feel like this aloof attitude might be because after living apart for a while, people are just unsure of who i am and what our relationship is, and this was amplified with ned because we have lived apart for longer. it hurts though because i feel like i used to be quite close to ned. even though reggie doesnt satisfy that certain intellectual craving that i have as much as ned does, im still glad to have reggie as a friend. one thing i was thinking about today was how i feel like i had the dankness beaten out of me. when people like ned and yan moved out of the bay, and i mostly hung out with martin and reggie, i felt like my dankness was no longer appreciated, when it was potentially a draw to yan and ned. and now i no longer remember how to be dank. it was never truly part of my base personality, but i worked hard to cultivate it and enjoyed it, and now ive lost it and its way too late to get it back. in retrospect i think it drew a lot of the most interesting people ive met, and it sucks to lose it. im scared of meeting those people now and have them be bored and not want me because i now dont produce what they found valuable. specifically last time i met jay and edward i felt this way, like jay was maybe even taken aback by how i changed. i could imagine him feeling that way. very sad. i wonder if jay almost feels the same way, i dont know why i think that. im meeting edward again on friday with martin reggie and melvin. maybe its my last chance to prove my worth to edward. might be difficult in the presence of reggie and martin who dont appreciate that kind of thing. i should go for it anyways. i also met with allen today. he also satisfies that intellectual craving for me but i never interacted with him really through being dank. i was never that close to allen but i think our relationship was the same its always been which is nice. honestly any relationship that hasnt deteriorated im happy with. i think id get along with allen if i moved here. im feeling a bit self conscious that my writing feels more shallow compared to yesterday. i guess at least im doing this for more than a day, with the caveat that i dont have too much else to do in this hotel room. i hope i can get some work done tomorrow. thats probably the thing im most stressed about right now. id hate to disappoint rex and have that just stain even my professional reputation among the toddpole group. i feel like unlike usual i actually put in the hours on this trip, but just got not much out of them. very disappointing. i wonder if other people are as insecure about everything as i sound writing. probably not? id hope for people's overall happiness that that is not the case. but who knows? not like these are acceptable thoughts to share anyways. i wonder if this kind of blog is unique. i was thinking its very different from an autobiography thats written after the fact, im not sure where i could find similar literature to this. though i wonder if even id be interested in it, but maybe my depth of thought would make it interesting. if i dont at least think deeper than others what have i even got at this point. i thought about writing about something unhappy today but maybe i focus too much on the unhappy things. everything is a maybe, but thats how things objectively should be viewed i think. i think i shouldnt refer back to earlier days writing this even though that would provide more continuity. i wonder if the difference between how i feel today and feel yesterday is somehow due to forgetting my medication. i mean surely not too much has chnaged right? or maybe it truly is a difference in reality vs expectations, like the damaged relationship with ned vs the good relationships with reggie and allen. LIMIT

[neurotichousewife]

Do i quit my nursing degree?

I've already had a year out. About to start my first placement after coming back. And i had a full on breakdown and have ended up calling in sick because i couldnt convince myself to leave the house and go.

Ive worked in care for 9 years. Was a young carer before that. I worked as a paid student nurse at the begining of the pandemic and a carer in elderly care in the later stages. God i am so tired. Staffings getting worse and worse and I'm burnt out from my care job. And honestly the thought of essays and lectures makes me want to throw myself out the window.

I told myself get through the last year of uni.

Then your qualified and fine.

But ive spent my year out working in care. And i dont think i can do it any more.

There are different types of nursing.

But the thought of going back to placements i enjoyed makes me want to cry. And i didnt even realise that untill i wrote it down.

How would i cope if im qualified ?

If someone said hey tommorow your qualified working full time on this ward, would i take it ?

God i dont know. Honestly at this point probs not. Again the thought makes me want to cry .

I feel sad and disapointed in myself for not being strong enough.

For wasting the skills ive been taught. For 3 years of work. And the thing is, i was an ok student nurse. So isn't it kinda my duty to finish the degree and be a nurse ?

I used to be so excited about uni and nursing.

I nearly dropped out in my first year, but it drew me back in and i figured it would get better. And the next placement i found intresting and cool. But i still struggled though it. I still was incredibly stressed, tired and had panic attacks. I was intrested in the area it was in and it linked back to my last degree. But so do so many things.

And again. If i could work on that ward tommorow as a nurse ? No. I honestly just dont want to and i cant quiet explain why. It sounds childish. I dont want to. But it is what it is.

i have so many health problems. I kept collapsing. That's why i took a year out in the first place. I am alot better but i may still faint occasionally.

My mental health varies. But is heavily dependent on my enviroment. And honestly at work right now, my mental health is worryingly bad. I highly doubt its gonna magically get better. Particularly if i push myself to stay.

Its a long rant into the void. But its helped my brain vaguelly sort its shit out atleast

#nursing #nursing student #dropout #mental health #covid

[bananasmores]

Talking about what I’ve learned recently about art block/motivation in a way that I hope is helpful 

I have art block more often than I don’t have it, I think I just always have it and sometimes I can push art through the cracks of it very rarely, but it doesn’t seem to go away at all; making art has always been uncomfortable for me (personally) I’ve always been really frustrated because the only thing I’ve been passionate about is art, but if you don’t have any strong interests besides art and a vague idea of ‘getting good enough’ then you dont have things to draw and things come out stale and lifeless. honestly the best art advice that i didnt understand well enough when i heard it the first time, and only really GOT when i fell ass-backwards into figuring it out, was “find interests/hobbies that arent related to art”. 

if you let obsession with improvement and nothing else get ahold of you, it’s going to get out of control fast. ‘why am i not better yet when all i do is think about this and try to paint ladders on the wall to get out of this hole’. it gets really embarrassing to yourself.  It’s really really hard if you have this mentality but you have to draw for yourself, learn to be self indulgent. I’ve read literally those words a hundred times and didnt fully absorb them in a way i could act on, so i dont know that typing them here for other people having the same problem is helpful.  actual actionable advice that has helped me with this specific problem: -chase passing interests in anything, just enjoy things. put the idea of art out of your brain, itll come back. (personally the way that worked for me is “im very passionate about this subject and i want to tell people about it AND communicate how it makes me feel”)

-have secret hobbies to let yourself be bad at. pick up a new creative thing and make stuff that way without focusing on improvement, just enjoy whatever comes out of playing around. make some kind of pseudonym/secret blog/whatever so you can collect what you make. even if youre not trying to improve, its going to happen and being so new to something that youre constantly improving a ton is exciting and this will help you feel something about creating things without expectations. its especially fun if the specific avenue you go with has a reputation for being “cringe” or “childish”. have fun, cringe is fun.

  -if you post art and then keep checking back to see if people like it: holy shit do not post something when you’ve just finished it and you’re proud of it; make the art and then drop it in the queue for a few days away, make the time longer if youre antsy about it. try really hard to not tie your feelings to other peoples reactions to your art.

-i dont know how universal this is, maybe it’s just me being avoidant, but i make art and personal accounts separate, and turn off notifications for art accounts. if its important and for professional stuff, have a contact page. if its a tumblr sideblog where i doodle horses, i turn the askbox off. i don’t remember who said it but “i drew this for myself but you can look at it too if you want” has stuck with me and has been one of the most helpful things about art ive heard.

i think because of the entire Capitalism Thing, if you do art for a job, there’s a feeling that if it’s real work it needs to be miserable and hard or else you’re goofing off. but if you burn yourself out for years because you think art as a job needs to be torturous or it’s rude to people working other jobs then.obviously thats not sustainable. take care of yourself and your mental health. ive worked a lot of (non art, physical industrial) jobs and while i’m glad to do art now, please remember you’re a person before you’re your job title. (especially right now)  i hope this is understandable, ive been dealing with this issue (+avpd) for years and am finally starting to get ahold of it and i want to shorten this struggle for anyone else that has it if at all possible.

#askbox is briefly open for this #verryy briefly and super selective about answer things bc. avpd #i appreciate nice comments and i save them in my inbox but its hard to answer them publicly without feeling like a jerk #but sincere thank you your nice comments mean a lot to me

[thithesandofferings]

Shopping with Raian

Raian x Reader 

TW 18+ MDI

Jealousy sex, dirty talk, Raian...being Raian, terrible food puns- please read at your discretion. semi-public sex- heavy petting.

Normally a shopping trip would be one of the highlights of your weeks but this time has been one of the most draining trips you've ever taken. Raian had been wanting you to help him with his new diet for sometime now so all that was left was to get the proper foods.

"I really dont understand why i HAVE to be here when you get the shit!...you know what to get right?"

"The reason you're here is because everytime i restock your fridge with health foods you dont EAT them. They go bad or ohma comes over and eats em for you-"

"...how'd you-"

"YES I KNOW"

"Ohma that fucking niko style bitch...can't wait to crush him this match"

"Not with your current diet you won't"

"And whats wrong with my-" You stopped suddenly and faced him, admittedly on your tip toes but not the point right now.

"Dont you DARE call the slop you eat on a daily...healthy" you glared at him. "Its nothing but junk, sugars and protein. I understand you're literally part demon but you need to take better care of your health sooner or later"

"Y-yeah thats all i need...come on dont-the demon in me got this kitty" he backed back from your threatening gaze. You let out an exasperated sigh and continued on with the shopping, leaving Raian with a confused look on his face.

You were moving to the next aisle when suddenly a hand tapped your shoulder. "...yes Raian- oh..hello"

"Um hello, sorry for bothering you but i was just wondering if you can point me in the direction of the olives" the strange man asked.

"Oh i believe thats two aisles down" you pointed.

"Ah ok. Thank you."

"You're welcome" you said turning on your heels to continue down your aisle

"..i mean ive been lost for a hot minute" he continued

"Oh" you faked a laughed and then attempted to walk away again.

"Its for this new recipe i saw online...yeah its main ingredient is olive so...you can't have it without the olives. The main star am i right?" He laughed "Y..yeah...yeah you're right. Anyways good luck with your dish"

"Oh i should probably let you go huh. Sorry for talking up olive your time" he laughed again 'Oh lord please save me' you cried internally. And just as he was about to open his mouth another time he stopped just as suddenly. His whole face went pale and mouth gaped open. Come to think of it the aisle also got darker...

"Oi!" a loud voice boomed from the back of you 'RAIAN..THANK GOODNESS. Well he's not an angel but still'

You turned around only to be met with eyes darker than the night sky, he was practically steaming...oh shit he's pissed...

"Now...i know shes too nice to say it to you but me? I dont give a fuck! So how about you and your lame ass, corny ass puns get to your olives olive boy. Cause im feeling very eggcited to beat your fucking ass right now!"

He gripped the trolley in the front of you, maybe a little to tightly, bending the metal as if it was silicone.

"YE-S SiR..SORRY SIR!!" And with that he ran off

"Wooow that guy almost pissed himself. Im surprised you actually held back, the last guy you almost punched him across the road" you laughed.

"I honestly tried to leave but goodness he just wouldnt-" Your words were suddenly cut off by Raian lips covering yours. He dragged you closer as his tongue dominated your mouth. His grip tightened as he bit down on your bottom lip, causing you to gasp into the kiss.

"-shut up" he snarled His hand slowly slid downwards cupping one of your ass cheeks completely and squeezing almost to the point of pain. With Raian everything was almost pain inducing but oh was that pain sweeter than anything else.

The way his hands moved along your body as if it was made for him and however he saw it fit to be used. Used. Thats what your purpose was in moments like these. When he kisses you breathless, when he pushes out those lewd reactions out of your body, the way he can easily have you twisting and turning...eagerly awaiting any further ministrations from his hands...or mouth...or tongue...or-.

You felt your back firmly pressed against the shelves now and as his knee parted your thighs and rubbed up against your now wet panties. His thighs...those muscular thighs... thighs that destroyed faces, broke teeth, drew blood and took the wind out of people. Yet here you are just wanting to straddle the deadly appendage and just ride it until you climaxed....which felt pretty soon alREADY!!

A wonton moan escaped your mouth once he broke the kiss. Before you knew it, you were literally dry(well not so dry) humping his thigh, your wet heat begging for friction or movement.

"Always so eager for me huh...so eager for what i wanna do to you...to this body.." he growled in your ear.

You were at the mercy of this man...this demon. Right where he wants you... "Who do you belong to?...answer me now! Tell me who this fucking wet pussy belongs to"

"...mmmm..i..it...b-you" He slides a hand in the front of him and rubs along the dampened spot between your legs.

"Mmmmmm and who made you so wet kitty? Your pants is basically soaked... have you no shame? Hm?....humping my thigh like a bitch in heat...i should fucking take you now... right in this aisle. Somebody could walk in on our little scene any moment now...you're lucky i dont want no one else seeing this fucked out expression on your face right now."

And just as suddenly he removed himself, almost causing you to fall over. Your legs was jelly, your pants was literally soaked and who the fuck knows if people didnt walk pass your little scenario just now.

"Ahhhhh just kill me now...what if someone sawwww....i...i should just melt into the ground.. please..."

"Come on lets go, as soon as were done here i'll help you with that little....problem"

"A PROBLEM YOU CAUSED" He simply shrugged

"Not my fault that slim dick was trying to talk to something of mines....you know i dont take sharing very well" he smirked.

-Krissy

#Kure Raian #raian x reader #raian headcanons #kengan ashura #kengan omega #kengan headcanons