#I have to laugh or I’ll cry
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wait do u think izzy is buried close enough to the inn to be stuck listening to ed and stede banging forever and ever or
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place your bets on what minute lessi’s boot will come off at in todays match 🧍🏻♀️
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That was the most traumatic smear test experience and I don’t quite know how to process it 😭 what a fucking Monday R xx
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coping with my arachnoid cyst diagnosis by calling them my “brain gushers” and drawing mass criticism :/
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I’m just gonna write this here because it’s been living rent free in my mind for..*does the math* eight years. Gross eight years, I’m fucking old. Anyway, this happened when I was at the ripe age of 16. That time where your insecurities are at an all time high and everything sucks and you’re pretty sure no one will ever love you.
For some reason, I had gotten this burst of confidence and thought: “hell yeah, I think I’ll wear a bikini for the first time this summer”. I had my own job and ordered this real cute floral one online. I also ordered a shirt I liked and waited with bated breath for my package to arrive. It came in a box, I brought it home, my mom asked “Hey, what did you get?”
I wasn’t quite ready for everyone to know about my confidence boost so I just said “A shirt”, to which she replied “There’s no way only a shirt came in that box, you’re lying. Tell me now”. My my, quite some aggression right of the bat. My fear and anxiety skyrockets and I tell her I got a bathing suit. Well she wants to see it…great. So I show it to her…she wants me to put it on…awesome.
This new found confidence of mine has plummeted within seconds as I put on the suit. Suddenly it’s too tight, I’m sucking in my gut, and I put on a pair of shorts to maybe hide my shame.
“I’ll wear these shorts with it,” I tell her. She’s just…staring at me. There’s clear disgust I’m sure. I can see it in her eyes. It’s taking everything in me not to cry. She tells my sister to hand her the iPad so “I can take pictures so you can see what you look like”
She makes me turn around, gets all my bad angles. At this point I’m hoping to drop dead soon.
After she finishes clicking away, she hands me the iPad and says “Now go look at yourself”. I shamefully rush to my room and close the door. I don’t need to look at the pictures because I already know I’m a fat, ugly pathetic mess. So once I stop crying enough to where I can breathe, what else is there to do except cut the emotions away? Cut them out. Bleed them out. Make everything go away with thin lines on my thighs.
I’ve never spoken of this with my mom. Never brought up this event since it’s happened. In her mind, she’s justified because I lied to her so…this was an apt punishment I guess. It’s something that’s stuck with me for years. How could it not? It’s one of those defining moments you look back on when you realize why your self confidence is so fucked up. Why you’re so critical over yourself. Even now, writing it out, all those emotions are running back and I’m hating myself again.
Just gotta fight it. I need be to nicer to that 16 year old girl. I have to show her the kindness my mother didn’t.
#trauma#tw weight#depression#Laughingatpain#Writing#strandedthoughts#I have to laugh or I’ll cry#She also once said I looked like a stuffed sausage when wearing skinny jeans#Really just working through child trauma#Tw self harm#hahahahaha it hurts#She once made me get on a scale so I could see how much weight I gained#I haven’t told a therapist but I told the internet#This is my first post ever so I really just set the mood#Therapy#Sprinkle some depression in here#Childhood trauma#let’s all heal together
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Tell me your dad didn’t love your mom without telling me your dad didn’t love your mom, I’ll go first; my dad doesn’t know where my dead mother’s cremated remains are. He has an idea but he doesn’t know and if they’re not in the storage unit I literally have like a gram of my mother in my possession.
#personal#ignore me#I have to laugh or I’ll cry#😂😂😂#fucks sake#Christ on a cracker#lmfao#like what the actual fuck
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Non-Britons! Instead of being distracted by the pomp and fanfare of the coronation, here’s a reminder that:
The coronation was funded by tax-payer money. This same tax could have gone towards the cost of living crisis. People are starving and freezing to death as this is going on.
Protests (peaceful or otherwise) are illegal now. A lot of anti-monarchists are being arrested for simply holding signs.
Our government is currently trying to push through a revision to the Equality Act that will exclude trans and non-binary individuals.
Oil companies have made a record profit in the past couple of years. Oil and gas prices aren’t rising because of an inflation issue.
Our NHS is crumbling because funding is going to stupid projects like this coronation.
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“Are you okay?” Levi asks you.
“No.”
“I know, you don’t look it. What’s wrong?”
“Everything is wrong, Levi. I’m exhausted…I wonder what it’s like to have a brain that functions the way it’s supposed to.”
His eyebrows furrow slightly. “Your brain is fine.”
“But that’s the thing, it’s not!” You say exasperatingly. “It’s wired differently and so it makes everything more difficult. I switch between three modes: Not wanting to exist, Surviving, and Beyond Surviving. Guess how much time I spend in each mode?”
Levi doesn’t say anything in response. His expression shows more concern than confusion this time.
“Fine, I’ll tell you. Most of my time is spent surviving. Some of my time is spent not wanting to exist. And just a little of my time is spent beyond suriving…what kind of life is that?”
Levi’s eyes look at you with sadness. “Not much of one, to be honest…but it’s yours and you only have one.” He counters.
“Well, I don’t even know if I want it half of the time. Y’know, someone told me that life is basically climbing mountains. You climb a mountain, which represents a challenge or obstacle, once you get to the top you enjoy the view for a moment…then you climb back down and do the same thing all over again. Rinse and repeat.”
Levi seems to identify with what you’re saying and he knows you’re frustrated right now but he needs to keep you from spiraling. He’s not letting you give up. That’s not the way. “It’s what we have to do, Y/N.” He says gently.
“And what if I don’t want to do anything? What if I don’t want to climb fucking mountains? What if I don’t want to constantly be challenged and given obstacles? What if I just want to sit at the top of the mountain and just be?”
Levi knows these feelings all too well…he’s wrestled with them a few times throughout his life but he’s continued to push through because that’s what you just do. And you’re going to do the same even if he has to do the pushing for you. You snap Levi out of his thoughts with your next statement.
“It would be so much easier if I just…”
“Stop.”
“But-“
“Stop.” He repeats sternly, his steel eyes boring into yours.
You grunt angrily. “You’re not even real, Levi!” You yell out at him. You’re not angry with him. You’re angry at the world, angry for the universe and your parents for putting you in this predicament, angry for placing you into a world that doesn’t accommodate you. “You are a 2-dimensional character I use to cope. There’s no way for you to actually soothe or help me. You. Are. Fictional.”
Your words don’t seem to phase him. He shrugs. “I’m real enough.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I’m real enough to you. Y/N. You are the one who brings me to life. You are the one who decides how real I should be. What does it matter if I’m not a real person?”
“It’s silly.”
“Who says it’s silly?”
“I don’t know, a bunch of people.”
“Well, fuck all of those people then. Just fuck them.” He states as if it’s obvious.
You sigh. “It doesn’t work that way, Levi…”
“So make it work that way. No one else is keeping you alive but yourself.”
“And you…” You say softly.
Levi shakes his head. “I don’t do anything. Like I said before, you’re the one who does the all the heavy lifting. I exist because you want me to. I function the way I do because you want me to.”
“So I control you?”
Levi rolls his eyes at that. “Don’t be a brat. What I’m saying is I’m just an outlet for you.”
You pause, thinking of his words. He’s not wrong. He’s just a character but he’s also not just a character because of you. “I wish you were real.” You admit sadly.
“I wish I were real too…for you.” He sighs as he runs a hand through his raven hair. “But it doesn’t matter if I’m real or not. I still occupy your brain. I still make you happy, that’s all that matters. As long as you let me live in your mind, I’m always going to be here for you.
You nod, not saying anything further.
“Okay?” He asks.
“Okay.”
“Good.”
#I don’t know what this is I’m just not well I’m on my period and I’m sick and I go back to work in about a day and I just feel awful#Life is SO exhausting and I’m so upset about it#I don’t even know what to title this so I’m not going to#It got a little meta because I also got upset that Levi’s not a real person#Everything’s just a hot mess#I have to laugh because if I don’t I’ll cry#Anyway sorry for this weird ass…whatever it is#As always I hope you find some comfort in it#You’re not alone#We’re all buddies here#levi#levi ackerman#levi aot#levi x reader#levi x you#levi ackerman x reader#levi ackerman x you#levi drabble#levi x y/n#tw: mental health#tw: sui ideation
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pop!
#hunter x hunter#kurapika kurta#leorio paladiknight#leopika#hxh fanart#art#i was a hardcore leopika fan back in 2020 and now I’m back in the pit#1999 had me screaming and crying#and the drama cds⁉️#even looking back at my leopika art from 3 years ago had me maniacally laughing in my room#I have so much old hxh art in my little shoe box it was mentally HEALING looking through them again#it was clear how much I loved hxh and honestly I’m so glad I got into it again#I was just 15 when I drew all those silly things but why does it feel like it was just yesterday#I started this acc when I was 16 so most of my oldest drawings on here was made when I was just 16#and now I’m 18??this is so weird idk why I’m rambling about my age rn but life just flies too fast#I don’t like it#I just wanna be in my room drawing away my self indulgence#and daydream about stories I’ll write later#and decorate my silly room and dress myself up in the mirror#I am NOT built for society
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Mood board: you (me) have finished tgcf:
#how the fuck am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#knowing that I’ll never have what they have#actually crying rn#I just….. they#:(#heaven official's blessing#xie lian#hua cheng
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i don’t know what i would do if we learn that there actually was a destiel kiss in 15x18 that was cut
#like i’m not gonna lie i have no idea how i’ll react#like i think i’d scream and cry and laugh idk#like an explosion of emotion#destiel#supernatural#nov 5th
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Here’s two doodles (late night edition)
#Malevolent#Malevolent Podcast#6#WOW LIKE WHERE DO I EVEN START#First like them talking and stuff#John sorry bby you felt isolated but I mean come on friends never hurt anyone#And NOEL!!! Frickin’ love this guy#SO MUCH USEFUL INTEL WHAAAAT. CHARON TREASURER ORDER SIGIL LIKE SO CRAZYYYYY#AND JOHN WAS PART OF THE CONVERSATION!!! I have no idea why the second Arthur started talking I just burst out laughing for like.#So many minutes#But it was so wholesome and gratifying! Like we only get this type of freedom with Kayne bc he can hear John so having a trustworthy friend#Hearing us is nice#Unrelated but soundscapes were really good this ep like dang surely one of my fave eps of the season#And then um. Whatever Aldrich and Percival scenes were#That story was kinda cute I forgot about it way to tie it back to the beginning during the penultimate#JOHN STOP FORGETTING THINGS WE NEED TO BE PAST THIS#MARIE GIRL I’LL MISS YOU YOU WERE VERY FUN AND EPIC AND OUR FIRST WOMAN CHARACTER SO UHH YEAH#ALSO YOU TALKING ABOUT UR SON MADE ME WANT TO CRY OKAY HAHAHA#Noel!!! He’s just the best I tell ya#WHEN HE WAS LIKE UR OFFICE CUMMINGS DREAMLANDS KING IN YELLOW PRISON PITS THE CANA ADAM FRY LIKE OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDDDDD#I DIED IT WAS LIKE SO CRAZY HE LIKE KNOWS SO MUCH IS SO SIMILAR TO US IT’S CRAAAAAAZY#AND DUDE IT’S REALLY HARD TO NOT CALL YOU NOEL STILL#WE GONNA BREAK! IN! AND IT’S GONNA BE EPIC!#ANS THEN WE’RE OFF TO ENGLAND!!! WHAT I’M SO EXCITED#FIRST MIZU FROM BLUE EYE SAMURAI GOES TO ENGLAND AND NOW ARTHUR WHAT A TREAT#MALEVOLENT’S SO COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL
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Two books, two quick little lines which whenever I think about I become hysterical
#posting on main#I’ll rb to my side#but oh my GOD#the carnivorous flamingo line!!#it lives rent free in my head#right next to ‘Jack you have debauched my sloth.’#whenever I think about them! I get stitches I just start crying with laughter#I say they’re different and they are but there is SOMETHING in the Aubreyad books that’s so present in pTerry’s books#I don’t know what it is it’s like distant cousins or something#anyways this is slightly niche and not really the point of this blog#I mean. I post boats and history and Aubreyad stuff on here but my side blog is all discworld and books and films and fandom bs#nobody who sees this will care but it makes me laugh so I put them up side by side#favourite lines ever in modern western literature#and I am BARELY joking#discworld#men at arms#sam vimes#havelock vetinari#aubreyad#stephen maturin#jack aubrey#aubrey maturin#hms surprise#gnu terry pratchett#it’s just hit me - and this is so cursed but! I’ve made my cake and now I must lie in it#Jack and Ridcully - same energy#I’m already destroying my credibility here so I can’t really explain it! but you see it right??#come ON#yep I’m so sorry
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Steve and Robin go to Vegas for Steve’s 25th birthday. They say fuck it, let’s get married for fun and so they do, with an Elvis impersonator as their officiant. After beautiful vows that make even Elvis cry, Steve shocks everyone by turning to kiss not his “bride” but his “best man,” who has been Eddie tagging along on the trip the whole time. After Elvis kicks them out, they eat pancakes as newlyweds.
#stranger things#steve harrington#eddie munson#robin buckley#steddie#st headcanons#just a thought#a happy little thought I had#you know Steve and Robin are soulmates so they have actually beautiful heartbreaking vows#even Eddie is crying#even the piano player is crying#Steve looks at Robin with stars in his eyes and says#you saved me your friendship saved me just by having you in my life you saved me#and Robin says through tears you’re my best friend and no matter where we end up I’ll be there#and then Steve and Eddie kiss#laughing and smiling as they do#and confuse the hell out of everyone before they’re kicked out#Robin gives Eddie her ring from across the booth in the pancake place#and he fiddles with it before sliding it on#and then they all laugh and laugh over their pancake breakfast#it’s nothing official#but it’s everything to all of them
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