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autumnslance · 11 months

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Writing To Yourself

(Mileage may vary, I'm not your mom nor your teacher--unless you're working for a specific state healthcare service, anyway.)

That's how you garden. Tend the plot. Plant a million seeds, reap a thousand blooms. The rest? Compost for the next crop. -@biot08 / @driftward

During a Discord convo, I thought about why so many fandom writers catch “writer’s block”, and some of it goes back to self-care and taking in new media, getting inspiration and knowledge, covered in this post. But much of it?

People think everything they create has to be publishable for others’ consumption. That is Not True. Too often we don't want to write things just for the sake of writing them, falling into the trap of thinking it needs to be perfectly polished and shared, but No It Really Doesn't.

Folks talk about “writing for oneself” but in terms of posting finished pieces of the kinds they want to see. If everything feels like it “has to be” publishable, it can start to put too much pressure on oneself. And then there’s your block, especially if the type to worry about how others Perceive you and your art.

Try simply writing anything and deciding later if it's something you want to share. I have pieces I wrote cuz my brain suddenly said it wanted to, but that writing isn't posted anywhere. Usually it’s random lines; out of context sentences, scenes, or bits of dialogue. Sometimes just incoherent character rambling. Ideas for situations and what ifs. Misspelled, typos, not grammatical, redundant wording, passive voice, bad POV, too many adverbs, not enough active verbs, not enough description, too much description, etc. All in notebooks or doc files. I’ve shared the (now out-dated) deep nests of my WIPs folders and the multiple, unfinished, unpolished pieces within them. Most will never be completed nor seen by the public.

For instance, I've a random smut fic of a Highlander Warrior of Light and the popular antagonist of Shadowbringers. I'm not usually a villain liker, but one day it hit my brain, so I wrote it. I have notes and outlines for the rest of their story and how it plays out, though I'll probably never write more. I scratched the writing itch, stretched some skills, considered things from a different angle, and now it sits in drafts (I did post a couple decent-ish smut lines to my private Twitter once).

Mostly, it's practice. Even if it's junk and janky.

“But I have (professionally) published X or Y…”

Still gotta exercise the writing muscles! Still gotta scrawl off something utterly unusable now and again for the heck of it!

All those random lines, descriptions, scenes, rambles? Maybe I'll use them someday. I wrote them down to feel the pen in my hand or keys clacking under my fingers, to see the words pop onto the page or screen, to play with word choice, sentence structures, and “how would they say that?” For my own satisfaction, no one else’s.

When I get bored or stuck, or need a screenshot or writing prompt response, I might poke at those lines, pages, rambles, and see if they hit now or spin off to something else. They often don’t. But sometimes they help inform other things I do post to the public later. Even if that’s just a Question of the Day prompt response on Twitter.

(That also counts as writing and creating btw; you’re still coming up with something to share about your characters and I think that’s very creative of you.)

If the mood strikes, write. Even if it's just a vague idea--especially if it's any bits of dialogue or description, if it's something you think that you actually do want to write when off work or out of bed or whatever.

Even if you never post it anywhere public. Even if it never gets out of crummy first draft, unfinished pages form. It might feel like pulling teeth and look rough, especially if it’s been awhile.

But still write it. No one else has to know or see. Not until you want them to.

Maybe parts of it will inform something you do finish later. Maybe two years from now another prompt will hit just right and you’ll dig out that draft and finish it for posting. Maybe you’ll cannibalize aspects of it for an entirely different piece. Maybe you’ll even use it in a few more years to see how far you’ve come as a writer.

In many cases? That's how you actually keep writer's block away. Keeping ideas around to steal from yourself, letting yourself write nonsense, unpublishable bits and pieces, maybe even whole pages, just for the heck of it, if writing is something one enjoys and wants to stick with as a hobby (or professionally). If you don’t enjoy writing for fun? Don’t force it; do little character prompts and blurbs as they feel right, and find the ways to share creativity that work for you.

And seriously, don’t forget to take in new media, experiences, and information. This is How You Lose the Time War got me writing on an original story I shelved last autumn. The stories aren't at all alike! But seeing new words in new ways helped shake something loose in my brain. So try to make some time for that, too.

Write to yourself, not for others’ consumption. Public posting is great for validation and encouragement, for when we feel the urge to share due to pride or just wanting to gush about our faves. But also let yourself remember why you liked creating worlds, making up stuff about your characters, and writing at all to begin with, without the pressure of public posting. Give yourself some grace, and let it all be messy, unhinged, misspelled, ungrammatical, incomplete, and make no narrative sense.

Write to yourself, for yourself. Then let the rest follow.

#Writing #Blogging #Creativity #Posting #Self-Care

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vixsstxff · 2 years

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A/n: I have so many unfinished stories I should finish, but I'm going to start a new story. Different format yall

Tw: obsession, stalking, calling diluc a doll, death, kidnapping, torture, sharp objects, blood, cruel reader, yandere reader, this is not sane in anyway.

Diluc x yan!male reader

[My little doll ♡]

Fem dni

You were in love with the owner of Angel Share. In love-love. Your heart ached for him.

It was torture watching him talk to other people, watching those low lived people talk to your future husband in such a flirtatious way. It made you just want to run up to them and rip them to shreds. But Diluc would think you're a monster and he'll never talk to you, and if he doesn't talk to you you'll have to resort to things you don't want to do.

You'd watch him from the shadows. He never knows you're there but he can feel your eyes drilling holes into his body. You could never tear your eyes away from him, he was so beautiful. Just the thought of him makes freezing days unbearably hot.

One day you were watching diluc close up on the second floorbut you took a step and the floors creaked so loud you thought for sure he heard it, unfortunately you were correct. He looks up any you book it, you run out one of the doors on the floor and climb off.

He tried to run after you, luckily he didn't see your face or else it would've been terrible for you.

He doesn't know how you got up there or how long you were watching him. The thought of how long you have been watching him sends chills down him spine. He becomes more cautious, making it a great pain for you to watch over him.

Once someone confessed to your 'husband', it made you so angry made sure they were never seen again and not a shred of evidence was left behind.

Diluc became worried after the death of one of an innocent person. Who would do such a terrible thing? Especially to a completely innocent person.

You would. If it ment keeping your little doll away from dirt that could wreck his beauty, you would do anything.

If you had to choose between the lives of millions of people and diluc, the most obvious choice would be Diluc.

After the 5th fatality, he noticed a pattern. All of them liked him and had told him or it was highly known that the person liked him. He wanted to dig deeper into it, but the feeling of eyes always on him always made him feel uneasy which made him not able to thing straight.

It was a good thing that he couldn't look into the deaths, or he might’ve found out that it was you who killed them, and you can't have your doll think badly of you, can you?

You heard that Diluc had gotten a s/o. Oh, how tragic. You wanted to play nice but now he's broken some rules..

It was the dead of night, not a single soul in sight. All the shops were closed and everyone was home. Diluc had just finished closing up for the night. You watch him from the balcony.

Before he could turn around, he was hit in the back of the head, knocking him out.

When he awoke, he saw his s/o tied up with a blind fold on and a piece of cloth on their mouth. Diluc tried to move, but sadly he couldn't.

Minutes later you walk in. Diluc had no idea who you were or why you kidnapped the both of you. He shouts questions at you, but you just kept a calm look on your face.

When he stopped shouting you began to speak. You told him about your undying love for him, how you were jealous that he chose this low lived piece of dirt instead of you.

You walk up to him, the same calm look on your face. You harshly grab his jaw and turn it left to a wall full of pictures. All of them were him. Diluc's eyes widened, there were some of him sleeping and some chatting with people. The thought of you having hundreds apon thousands of pictures of him, and you being there while he slept made his skin crawl

After you let him look at all the pictures for a few more minutes you pull away and walk to a dark corner. Diluc couldn't see what was over there, and it made him a little scared about what you were planning.

You pick up a sword from your table. You walk back over to your doll and the mud. You stare into Dilucs eyes coldly and point the tip of the blade to him s/o. You didn't have to say anything to let Diluc know what you were going to do. All he could do is watch with tears in his eyes and you swing the sword at them like they were a training dummie.

After a solid 10 minutes of swinging at them you were satisfied. All your anger was gone and so were they. You turn to face Diluc. At this point he was staring at the ground, tears falling down his beautiful face.

You stare at him while you whip some blood off your face. You stare at him for a bit and then drag the chair with the dirt to a different place, where you would dispose of them later.

When you came back, Diluc was sobbing and his head hung low. You felt so angry, why would he care about that thing so much he would cry about them? The only person he should care about is you, and you alone.

I'm gonna have to end this story now... because 24 paragraph seems a bit much for one story... pt.2?

#genshin #genshin impact #x male reader #male reader #diluc #yandere reader #yan!reader

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prophecydungeon · 4 months

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year in fic 2023

(crossposted from dreamwidth)

word count for posted works: 77,080 words word count for unposted works (incl. wips): 34,320 words total word count: 111,400 words

breakdown of works, meme, and goals below:

works posted to AO3 in 2023:

no quarter red vs blue, felix/locus, rated E 51,766 words — posted 4/23, finished 6/25

i wrote up a number of posts while working on this fic and idk if there's much left to say; this was one hell of an endeavor and i'm very proud of it.

exaptation (ficlet collection, ch. 7) bleach, grimmjow/ichigo, rated T (whole work) 2,416 words — posted 7/24

outside POV..... need i say more. this was a very Me™ fic to write and i'm really happy with how it turned out. here's to the next cour of TYBW also pulling fic out of me, whenever that happens.

neutron stars bleach, grimmjow/ichigo rated T 6,974 words — posted 8/29, finished 9/8

oh boy oh boy i love fics in the general roleswap/"X instead of Y"/"X but it happens to Y" category of canon divergence and it was SO much fun to write this one. the cool thing about this scenario is that it really wouldn't have changed much in the long run, which i think it precisely why it was so interesting to explore.

the blood of the covenant one piece, zoro/sanji, rated E 16,060 words — posted 11/9

i'm VERY happy with this fic, and it's also a victim of like, i started out wanting it to be lighthearted and uhhhh it is... not necessarily that. i also started this before reading the manga lmfao but shockingly, there wasn't much i got "wrong" or needed to change. still can't believe this was the year i got into one piece. lord.

—

unfinished/unposted works in 2023:

current wips + personal project: 20,573 words

deleted fragments from multiple works: 12,742 words

my unposted word count this year is higher than it's ever been since i started doing this -- this personal project thing was kind of a whim (and i'm losing steam on it) but it's been insightful and pretty fun.

—

end-of-year meme! trying a different one this year, nabbing from larissa.

Best title:

oooh that's tough... i did a good job with titles this year. let's go with the blood of the covenant since that evokes a lot of what the pov character's angst is about. (did you know that the whole thing about "actually, the full quote is [...]" is basically an unattributed asspull? not that it really matters; it's a great reinterpretation.)

Worst title:

cop-out answer, but the ficlet i added to exaptation didn't have a title, so that.

Best first line:

hmm. i don't think i had any standout banger opening lines, so let's go with the exaptation ficlet:

They’ve been around long enough to be us now and not me.

Worst first line:

again, didn't have any standout misses, so i'm going with no quarter's since it... idk, isn't a killer hook or anything? but it wasn't supposed to be, so 🤷‍♂️

The head of the hospital meets them outside, wearing an armor undersuit beneath her scrubs.

Best last line:

from neutron stars:

We have a score to settle, he reminds himself, and meets Kurosaki as he always has: hungry and ablaze, feeling the closest thing to alive since his death collapsed in on itself.

Worst last line:

another cop-out answer from exaptation, lol:

“Let’s get to it.”

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

a lot more! i originally thought that no quarter would be like, 20-30k or so? joke's on me, lol. i also very genuinely did not predict-- you know what, that's the next question, so:

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

good lord never in a million years did i think that 2023 was going to be the year i got into one piece. i'm still not sure how that happened. i started writing no quarter at the very end of last year, but i also could not have predicted that to happen to me.

What’s your favourite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

bit of recency bias here but the blood of the covenant! it was really fun and satisfying to write, and it's much more plainly happy/uplifting than any of the others.

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

in every category (kudos, hits, bookmarks) but comments, this goes to the blood of the covenant! i would say that this is unsurprising considering the fandom/ship, but it's more that everything else i've written is either for a relatively small fandom/ship or a dead one.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

definitely no quarter. it's a sequel fic for a different ship than the first entry and in a dead fandom, to boot. this thing was doomed from the start.

Story that could have been better?

idk if i have anything here! i'm happy with everything i wrote.

Sexiest story?

i guess the blood of the covenant; no quarter has smut in it too but it's kinda weird and tbotc's is there to actually be Sexy™ rather than like. weird.

Saddest story?

hmm. the blood of the covenant again, i guess; the pov character is not especially happy for most of the fic.

Most fun?

okay so i'm interpreting this as most fun For Me To Write and that has to go to no quarter -- sinking back into the halo zone to write was sooo fun and fulfilling. it's like coming home, every time.

Story with single sweetest moment?

the blood of the covenant got super sappy (by my standards, at least), which was the whole point of it.

Most fucked-up story?

no quarter, i guess? hard to not be at least kinda fucky when dealing with felix and locus, but i wouldn't say this is particularly or especially fucked-up.

Hardest story to write?

woof..... no quarter. it was really challenging in general to get through the first draft (lots of planning and changes and planning and changes etc etc) and i edited the chapters between posting them weekly; that got really difficult to keep up for a number of reasons.

Easiest/most fun story to write?

hmmm. i think the exaptation ficlet; it's really fun to write something short right as it comes to me.

Did any stories shift your perception of the characters?

not..... really? though i did have to spend a lot of time thinking about felix and locus for no quarter, which didn't so much shift my perception of the characters as it solidified my interpretation.

Most overdue story?

giving this to the blood of the covenant; i never read one piece in the early 2000s boom (though i was obviously into bleach and nart) so a lot of what i'm feeling about it is, like, "oh, finally; it feels like i've found the missing piece; i understand now; the world feels a little more full."

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

yes indeed! no quarter was a departure from the norm for me in a lot of ways, from planning to posting. it had been a really long time since i posted a multi-chapter fic, and i wrote this one with very specific chapter breaks in mind; that changed my planning and writing process a lot. overall, it was really good for me -- chapters are something i've avoided for a long time and i still have no clue where or how i got the idea that they're... idk, bad or amateurish somehow. chapters were perfect for no quarter. my posting schedule was 1 chapter per week, which left me a week to edit the coming chapter into shape and pick at future sections too, which worked REALLY well for me. on the flip side, i really struggled with this fic emotionally when i was posting it; not getting "attention" when posting a fic very, very rarely gets me down at this point in my life and i've worked hard on that, but it definitely got me with this fic. so it goes! in retrospect, now, several months down the line, i am so proud of this fic and all the new and different things i tried with it. multiple/alternating POVs, too! that was a change for me and i liked how it came out.

—

goals for next year:

1. write something humorous (preferably more than just one something)

my fics have humor in them, sure, but i want to write Comedy Fic without it veering irreversibly into Serious Fic like what's happened the past several times i've tried. this is one of my current wips and it's going pretty well so far.

2. try a different editing method

i've tried this kinda halfheartedly before, but i want to try editing something in a full side-by-side with the old draft in one window and the new draft in another. i might try this with an old fic of mine; not for posting or anything, just for The Exercise of it.

3. i've never had to set this as a goal but..... finish my wips!

i've still got that P vs NP re-re-edit cooking in the oven; i still feel kinda ??? about what i have written so far (it veered off into a completely different direction at one point) but i want to use the aforementioned editing method for this, probs after i finish a test run on something else. i've also got that b-side fic that's unfinished and i want to get that done first, since it's going to be a much shorter endeavor than rewriting close to 100k words.

#fic talk #ficposting #whew what a year

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whetstonefires · 2 years

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8 & 9 for the ask game!

8. What kind of document do you use to you write? Microsoft Word? Google Docs? Straight in the AO3 text box?

I have been using an expired copy of Microsoft Word 2010 this whole time--we bought it as a two-disc bundle in actual 2010 and then 6 years later the second copy was still there when I got a new laptop, and now it's 6 years after that. And they stopped supporting the software when it was 11 years old. Eesh. Time.

The fact that it kept nagging me about not being supported didn't worry me too much, since I don't think even a widely utilized word processor is a major hacking target, and Microsoft having pivoted to a subscription model had every reason to be a bitch about using an obsolete version.

But its autosave feature was getting less and less useful, so after losing a lot of work a month and a half ago in a computer crash I finally got around to switching to the open-source LibreOffice, which autosaves restoration data of your current workstate every ten minutes, and also has this nice little floppy disc icon at the bottom of the page that turns red when you've modified the doc since your last formal save, and you can click it to fix that so it turns soothingly black again. Which is nice! Working great for me so far!

So now it's LibreOffice.

I also have Scrivener, but so far I'm exclusively using it to draft one single novel very slowly. All my fic so far is done in a basic word processor.

I can't handle Googledocs ideologically lmao, I don't like trusting Google with my data and I don't like not having backup copies of past drafts Just In Case and I don't like trusting Google to not lose my data and I really don't like needing to have internet to access and alter my files.

And the fact that it strips formatting when you copy-paste is extra motive to not rely on it for fic, because having to either use a special import widget or manually re-enter all my italics would drive me to drink. No google docs.

I tried drafting a chapter straight into AO3 textbox once to see if it helped overcome writer's block. It did not.

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

I...this is definitely a moving target? Can people normally answer this? I think if I knew what my favorite thing I've ever done is for sure it'd be really depressing because everything else would naturally be measured relative to it. My personal Mount Fuji.

Also I'm going to be real there's like a 90% chance whatever it is has never seen the light of day because it's good enough I can't bring the surrounding narrative architecture up to par so it's Unfinished Work.

I have over a million words on AO3 how am I supposed to????? I can't.

...also my current focus project is this hilariously long E-rated smut fic on my shiny new nsfw alt, where I'm systematically figuring out what you can do narratively with a sex scene, now that I've challenged myself to figure out how to write them and succeeded. So even if I determined the current answer at this moment, there's a non-zero chance it would turn out to be a really tidy piece of porn choreography.

Currently the technical challenge of describing the relative positions of bodies in space both accurately and engagingly is still entertaining me, though the fun is wearing off so I will probably have finished my erotica phase by autumn lmao.

Let's see. A fave, chosen at semi-random. Recently I was rereading Top Guide to try to get that updating again and found I still get a weird amount of joy out of the bit where Tifa throws tea in Genesis' face and books it, after determining through conversation that his morals are hella janky and they cannot be friends.

That whole sequence with the weird tea party wasn't a huge technical achievement or Perfect in any way really, but the experience of writing it was nice; it just came together really smoothly and I didn't second-guess myself or have to stop and seriously rework it or anything. I could feel the benefit of experience working for me as I put it together and it was nice.

I also liked it for the character because she didn't make a huge production of it but it's such a dramatic thing to do.

Thanks for asking! :D

#ask #screamingvikings #hoc est meum #ask game

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captain-grammar · 10 days

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Tagged by the AMAZING and double-y talented @goldheartedsky to participate in this writer's ask:

1) How many works do you have on AO3? 22. Because I'm excellent at thinking up ideas and then scaring myself out of writing them. 2) What’s your total AO3 word count? 89,347. Again, I'm AMAZING at psyching myself out of projects.

3) What fandoms do you write for? The bulk of my paltry number of fics are The Old Guard focussed, but I have an ANCIENT, unfinished Stargate: Atlantis fic on there and a snippet of a LOTR/LOTRO piece that will never be completed.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Codeword Blue, For The First Time, The Slowest Burn, Lost in Translation and Close. Which is kind of amazing because the ship-focus for these is, arguably, not necessarily 'mainstream' in the TOG fan space so I massively appreciate that people rate them!

5) Do you respond to comments? I do! Or I used to, back when I posted something new/regularly. I haven't posted anything for a VERY long time now, and so actively avoid reading any new comments because then I'll feel guilty for not writing, or feel like a fraud.

6) What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't really go for angsty, because I tend to just want happy endings for all. I have an unsatisfying cliff-hanger ending to what was supposed to be a two-parter fic (Homewrecker) so I supposed in a parallel universe where people are dying for me to finish it, the fact that it's resolutely NOT complete might be causing some angst?

7) What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? They all have happy endings in one form or another but I think the one that might have the most "aaawwh" factor is maybe I Won't Let You Sink. Any excuse for my boy Booker to get a hug, really.

8) Do you get hate on fics? I don't think so? At least none that I'm aware of! Nobody's leaving me comments or hitting up my DMs, put it that way.

9) Do you write smut? I do. With varying degrees of success, admittedly, but still...

10) Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest one you’ve written? Many moons ago, perhaps, on a long-forgotten fanfiction.net account but nothing I can remember!

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen? Darling, I don't want my fics half the time. Why the hell would anyone else?!

12) have you ever had a fic translated? I have not!

13) have you ever cowritten a fic before? I think I've made plans to with a few people but not followed through. I'm scared of not living up to the hype and letting them down!

14) What’s your all time favorite ship? Honestly? The Ongoing LOTRO Fic I'll Never Finish, featuring my OC and Lothrandir. That Ranger needs a hug, a break and therapy in that order and my elf will give him that.

15) What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? BITCH, THROW A DART AT ANY OF THE 40-ODD DRAFTS IN MY FOLDER AND YOU'RE A WINNER.

16) What are your writing strengths? I'm almost annoyingly descriptive. I can't draw for shit so I'll use words to try and conjure up an image that I could never in a million years manage with a paintbrush.

17) what are your writing weaknesses? My lack of self-belief...

18) thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I'm for it! As I'm not fluent in any other language, I'll keep it to short little snippets, italicised, that I'm confident aren't terrible and won't cause an international incident! I think it can be a nice nod to a character's past, who they are and their heritage.

19) First fandom you wrote for? Again, MANY moons ago and long-forgotten, but Stargate: SG-1 when I was maybe 13?

20) Favorite fic you’ve written? Probably Bloom. I just really like the idea that Booker and Joe's relationship is deep and probably has evolved and developed and fluctuated a LOT over the years and had fun exploring that! (And Goldie's art for it was just phenomenal!)

TAGGING: I honestly don't know who else may have been tagged in something like this already so hey, if you write fic and want to participate, by all means fill your boots!

#ask game #shit i write #the old guard #TOG #LOTRO #fanfic #ot3: eiffel tower #kaysanovre #kaysalivre #lothrandir #joe x booker #nicky x booker #joe x nicky x booker

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aliveanddying · 2 years

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TW: pedophilia, SA details

I wanted to write a little bit of this everyday, but honestly I'm not sure if I have PTSD or ADHD because I'm constantly overwhelmed by things that are well in my power and ability to do. And I keep adding to my list of things I want to do, but never end up managing to achieve them. In my list of things to do, I have three collaborative creative projects running, finding a job, cleaning my house (which is about a million things bundled into one), re-doing my room, and countless creative projects of my own - dozens of unfinished paintings, designs and written pieces, and now this... Sometimes I feel like all of these things weigh so heavily on my brain that eventually my head will explode like this video of a watermelon getting crushed by a hydraulic press: https://youtu.be/Nerd5EgqR5s

The song below is what I decided to name this blog after, it's a song I really love and I feel like it's nostalgia, sunlight, summer, bittersweetness, sadness, and the aches and pains of leaving or saying goodbye all rolled up into one. It makes me think of the old flat I grew up in which was knocked down about 12 years ago, taking with it all spatial evidence of my abuse and the home that shaped me as a human being back then. It reminds me of the chubby little child I was, waving & smiling at my friends as we left the area after playing together everyday for years on the tiny patch of tarmac we were allowed to play on, constantly littered with glass bottles, needles and condoms. It reminds me of the tiny kitchen we had, painted sage green and equipped with yellow kitchen appliances from the 80's and a little interior window that looked in from the living room which I'd watch my mum cooking through. All the while, alive and dying because I was being abused at the same time. I love that wordplay, alive and dying - because you can be alive while constantly feeling like you're racing death for an unknown finish line.

That's what abuse feels like... knowing that yes, you're alive and your heart is beating in your chest, but feeling like your soul hovers above somewhere, not really living. Dying slowly while randomly feeling the exhilaration of life when doing things like drinking too much, chatting to older men at the pub, feeling your heart become encased in crystals of ice when you realise the danger you could be in, and when I was much younger, riding my bike way too fast in the road with no hands on my handlebars. In my late teens and early adulthood, this also manifested in the unhealthy habit of getting high everyday, eventually more for the numbness than the exhilaration, and when I was dating, having sex everyday.

It's interesting how abuse affects your sex drive and what you like during sex. One of my abusers forced oral sex on me, so I hated giving blowjobs. But the way that pedophiles thrive is through making you want to feel special to them and stay in their good graces, and as a result I felt like I should never say no to men when they ask, always wanting to make them happy. Without being good at sex, I was completely worthless.

My idea of consent was also extremely skewed. My first (real) kiss was at 18 years old - my ex kissed me suddenly at the end of our first date, and I expected it, allowed it and wanted it. But as it progressed, I felt my body freeze up, my skin break into goosebumps and my soul leave my body to watch down from above as it did when I was young and kissing my abuser. I scared him by sitting in silence for the rest of the time I waited for my bus, feeling the streetlights melt into my peripheral vision and the cold January air paint my brown skin three shades paler. But in the remaining six months that we stayed together, as well as the years we kept fucking, I always kissed him. I didn't have such a visceral reaction after that, it was more that I didn't enjoy kissing unless I was high or drunk out of my mind, and sometimes I would find myself 6 years old again, thinking about how much spit he had and counting the seconds until we were done.

However, I loved sex. Real sex that was violent and vivid and made me feel alive. My abusers weren't very giving, so to speak, so I loved essentially getting worshipped in bed, but also choked so that my heart pounded so loud that I could feel the vibrations in my fingertips. My ex enjoyed the worship, but one day explained that he hated hurting me and even though it was all play, he didn't like to slap me or choke me and feared he could really hurt me. I loved him for caring enough to not want to hurt me, and choosing me over the sex I could provide.

It's interesting how abuse also made me feel as though every relationship I have is transactional. If I gave my ex a blowjob, I expected to be treated better, because I gave such a big piece of myself to him. But its 5:30am so this is a conversation for another day.

Goodnight (morning?) ✨️

#Spotify

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btssunnyboy · 3 years

Text

Unbelievable - Choi San

He was always rude to you, embarrassing you in front of everyone. So why is he mad that someone better made you an offer?

Warning - Profanity, mention of caffeine, San is mean as fuck, Yandere towards the end, He makes a threat.

Word Count - 3,362 idk if they will be a part 2!

BTS , NCT , ATEEZ — request open.

__________________________________________

Good god, your blood was boiling the moment you saw his door crack open. You could feel your fingernails digging into your palms as you tried to remain calm. The last thing you needed to do was lose your temper and give this man another opportunity to ridicule in front of your co-workers. But judging by that horrendous look on his face you already have a gut feeling that all taht hard work to keep your anger in check is going to fly right through the window. Taking the deepest breath you could take and plastering on that fake smile, you gladly greeted the man that makes your life a living hell.

“These numbers are definitely not to my liking and I refused to be the laughing stock at the board meeting tomorrow.” He huffed heavily as he practically threw the binder down onto your desk. The heavy plastic slamming against the steel desk with a loud thud that echoed through the big hallway. The wind from the fall making papers that previously occupied your desk go flying in every single direction. You could feel your anger bubble up in your chest at the mere disrespect that this man was giving you, and it was driving you insane.

“With all do respect sir, it’s already twelve thirty, and I highly doubt I’ll be able to go over all of these documents by seven thirty in the morning.” You resisted their urge to grit your teeth as you wanted to appear somehow considerate of his complications. Truth be told you didn’t want to do another all nighter when you barely pulled through from the other night. “Besides, I looked over the revenue and margin growths three times before I sent them to your office.”

He scoffed loudly as he licked one of his fingers and then continued to rummage through the papers that were bonded together. His long finger skimmed over the lines multiple times and he flipped each page within a minute. Those piercing eyes stayed locked in on every single number that crossed the page. “Ah, right here it states that we made a profit revenue of fifty million last year, but then it states that this year we’ve only grossed sixty five million. And that’s definitely less than the fifty percent revenue growth that we expected.”

“So, sixty five is not as bad as you’re making it out to be, besides multiple people double checked.” You spoke tiredly as you started packing up your briefcase. Different papers getting stacked together and even crumpled because of the rapid pace that you were going. No matter what happens tonight you were leaving before the clock strikes one in the morning. As you were packing up your eyes met his furious ones and it felt like your world was crumbling down. “Mr. Choi, I’m being honest, your accounting department checked all of these numbers multiple times and I looked over them as much as I could.”

“I know for a fact that we had a fifty percent increase in revenue, now look over these damn numbers again. Or you’ll be kissing this cushy office job goodbye in the morning.” He harshly slammed the binder closed and stalked over to his office door. The audacity of that stupid man, how dare he even threaten you with this job. But as much as you wanted to spit in his face and tell him to shove it you really needed this job, this really well paying job.

You poked your cheek with your tongue out of agitation and roughly grabbed your purse. The bottle of caffeine pills made a clicking sound as you unscrewed the cap within a second. Without a drink of water you downed the pill and grabbed the ugly binder. This was going to be a long night, and these numbers were not going to supposedly fix themselves.

Your fingers tapped the keys on the keyboard rapidly as you searched each collaboration revenue. All of these numbers were lining up, no matter what you searched. Out of the six collaborations Choi enterprise only grossed sixty five million, but for some reason he just won’t listen. All you wanted to do at this point was slump forward and go to sleep, but with that anger that Mr.Choi has you’re scared he might kill you in your sleep. But as the long hours went on and on, you could feel yourself slipping. Your eyelids felt like a ton, and your head was suddenly too heavy for your neck to hold. Before you knew you were out like a light.

—

You’d shoot the person who was jabbing their finger into side if you could. Their bony finger feeling a knife stabbing your rib cage with immense pressure. “Please wake up, y/n, if he notices you’re asleep, who knows what he’ll do!” The jabbing didn’t cease one bit, in fact they just jabbed even harder.

“Okay! I’m up!” You groggily scoffed as your vision was trying to focus on the object in front of you. The figure was simply a mush of different colors all moving in different directions. The harsh lights in the office are in no way making the situation any better. You could make out their hand moving from left to right to try and grab your attention. “Hongjoong?”

“What are you, blind? Of course it’s me, but please I’m begging you get up and go freshen up in the bathroom.” He sighed sadly as he helped your wobbly stance straighten up. His soft hands wrapping around your waist and pulling you close. The soft scent of his cologne filling your nose as you clung to him. “Do you still carry extra clothes in your car?”

“Thankfully yes, but what time is it?” You question as you rubbed your eyes, trying to make all the colors of the world blend back together to form one coherent thing. “Oh god, is it past seven thirty, oh shit! He’s gonna kill me!”

“Calm down, it's only six thirty, but he always gets here at seven. So please go wipe that old makeup off and I’ll get your other clothes.” Hongjoong smiled slightly at you before his eyes shifted towards the oh so famous brown binder. “Did that dick make you go over more numbers the whole night?”

“God yes and it was terrible, but I looked over all six collaborations and I kid you not it all equals sixty five.” You could hear a pin drop on the silence that coated the room. It was beginning to feel suffocating and you physically felt your chest growing heavy with dread. “There were only six right, because that’s all the forms I received.”

“Maybe i'm just thinking of something else, because maybe just maybe -“

“Stop wasting time! Is there more than six?” You panicked as you shoved him away and pulled the rolling chair back to your side. Before your fingers could even reach the keys, Hongjoong’s were there in a second. They tapped rapidly and skimmed through all your emails at a neck breaking pace. “Oh my god I never refreshed the email.”

“We don’t have time to sit here and panic, we have three pages of numbers to go through.” Hongjoong tried to make the situation less tense by offering a helping hand, but he knew that if these numbers weren’t corrected all hell would break loose. And no one wanted to see what Choi San was like when he more than ticked off. He’d probably be past the point of furious if ever saw these unfinished numbers.

—

San’s eyes were narrowed as he eyed the unfamiliar man at your desk. Where the hell were you? He didn’t pay a shit ton of money for you to be everywhere and not in that chair looking pretty. But at this moment he couldn’t control himself as the words flew from his mouth. “What the hell is this?”

That look, that gorgeous look of fear that made his blood rush and his heart pound. Was etched across the unknown man's face and he was basking in the glory of it. San cocked his eyebrow slightly as he leaned forwards on his palms. “Did I suddenly grow two heads or some shit, no? Then answer my question, what the hell is this.”

“I’m so sorry Mr.Choi, but I didn’t notice that there were seven collaborations. I only had six in my email. And Mr.Kim was only helping me scrunch the numbers.”

“You mean to tell me that these numbers aren’t finished! And this meeting is in less than an hour?” His demeanor was calm but the sheer venom in his voice was enough to bring you to your knees. He poked his cheek with his tongue and gave a mean smile in your direction. “I mean it, l/n you’re on thin ice. But if those numbers aren’t corrected then you’re fired.”

“Yes sir.” You gulped as you watched him take heavy steps towards his office. You were in deep shit now. San rubbed his chin as he tried to remain calm and not fire you on the spot. Out of all the times you could have missed up, you decided now was the perfect time. Messing up these numbers would make other investors think that this company cannot handle the responsibility of simply matching numbers. This mistake could completely tank the company and put everyone here out of a job.

Fifty five minutes have passed and investors from other companies are already showing up at the doors. And here he was sitting at the head of the table empty handed, and it was all your fault. It was your fault for not refreshing that damn email, for not paying closer attention to the numbers, for simply not giving it your all. And now it’s going to be your fault that the entire company crumbles and falls straight into the depths below.

“So San, when is this meeting going to officially begin?” Questioned one of the many associates as he leaned back against the velvet chair. A smile bright on his face as if he didn’t care to wait a moment or two for it to begin. But, on the other hand, the leader of the meeting was so furious he could start foaming at the mouth. Because guess what crucial piece of information still wasn’t on his desk.

“We will begin momentarily if my secretary would get her head out of her ass and bring them those god damn numbers.” San spoke with a soft smile on his face. The look he gave the men was a completely different tone from the words he just spoke. Those words help fury and degradation but his smile was so bright it could light up a room or cause someone’s heart to flutter out of their chest. But at this moment all of those men knew at this moment San was anything, but happy.

The sound of the doorknob being yanked on caught everyone’s attention. Their heads jolted towards the cause of the noise as they watched you fiddled with the dozens of papers in her hand. Your smile was uneasy as you tried to reorganize them on your way towards the head of the table. They watched your clammy hands shake with fear as San ripped the paper from your hands. Judging by the way you quickly held your pointed and middle finger they could only guess what happened.

“Why the hell are you still standing here? Do I need to draw you a picture and make it clear that you’re done here?” San scolded as he shoved you a bit and forced you to walk to the door. Fumbling over your own two feet and almost hitting the floor head on at one point. But he didn’t care, because all he wanted to do right now was get this meeting over with. With a final shove and a quick slam of the glass door, he swiftly turned back around to be met with very difficult to decipher expressions.

“Well now that all distractions are gone, let’s get down to business.”

—

Your face was flushed and you could feel your hands start to shake. From the mere interaction with the stupid CEO. The vivid picture of his icy eyes and cold stare were burned into your brain, as his words pounded in your skull without mercy. The man practically belittled you, in a room full of successful CEOs who now probably think you’re a joke.

“Hey, don't worry yourself sick. It was an honest mistake.” Hongjoong consoled you as he eyed your shaken form. The tearful eyes and the constant bouncing of your leg was a dead giveaway of the way you felt at this moment. And he wanted nothing more than to just say everything will be okay, that everything is going to be just fine. But he can’t, because who knows what the jerk will do you do considering your almost costed him a deal.

“Do you think he’ll fire me?” The question hung in the air with such heaviness that it was almost hard to breathe. The thought of losing this job was sending you into a whirlwind of erratic emotions. If this job is gone, there goes the ability to afford your car, hell there goes the ability to afford the damn apartment you’re living in at this moment. You’ll lose eveything, if you’re cut off.

“He better not, and trust me if he ever does, I would be more than happy to have you on my team.” A new man smiled brightly in your direction as he made his way over to your desk. He wasn’t an unfamiliar face around the office as he and Mr.Choi have done business deals of many kinds in the past. “It would truly be an honor to have someone like you working at Jeon Marketing.”

A small smile took over your face as you eyed the man in front of you. Mr.Jeon was an extremely well known CEO in this business, and he’s not too much older than Mr.Choi. You’re genuinely surprised these men are allies in this type of business, if anything you thought they’d be enemies. “Thank you for such kind words, but trust me your opinion on me may change soon.”

“Nonsense, I’ve seen the way you handle situations at this company, especially time crunched ones. I can tell just by looking at your face you stayed up hours just to make sure his numbers were perfect.” Mr Jeon stated as he leaned forward on the desk and clapped his hand together. “And truth be told I wouldn’t mind having such a beautiful face be the face of my company.”

His compliment left you stumped as you eyed his face. The tone he held was lighthearted because he knew this stressful situation needed a little laughter, but you knew from the look on his face he was being serious. About both of his statements. Before you could form a response, he long fingers were reaching into his jacket pocket. “I promise, if you ever need anything. I’m just a call away.”

“His top rival and best friend just offered you a sweet ass deal, are you gonna take it?”

You truly didn’t know the answer to that. I mean on one hand you have your secretary job here, and it pays well. The boss may be a pain in the ass, but it’s the only thing keeping you afloat. And you know that these two companies are neck and neck right now for the top spot, so it’s hard to decipher just how much he’s willing to pay you. But would there be any harm in simply asking the man?

“I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t intrigue me, but at the same time I don’t wanna leave you all alone.” You mumbled as you tapped away at the computer keys. Just trying to find any small amount of information about his company. But only mere surface information popped up in the search box. “Would it be a bad thing if I did leave?”

“Sometimes trying something new is good thing, but it really all depends on how you feel. And I have a friend that works there and she told me she makes over 250k a year.” Hongjoong shrugged his shoulders as he stood up to leave. His soft eyes giving a sense of comfort as he started to walk away. “I promise whatever option you pick, you’ll be fine.”

A heavy huff of air passed through your lips as you tried to think of the right answer. If he was right you’d make just a little bit more working for him and he genuinely seems like a nicer boss in general. So the real question is what’s keeping you tied to this job? The only perk about this job is working with Hongjoong and he’s the main reason why you’ve stuck around this long. The men from before were now exiting San’s offer with bright smiles on their faces, and you could only conclude that those numbers truly were the right ones. But just as your eyes leave their smiles you’re met with someone who has the complete opposite expression.

He briskly walked towards you and hastily cleared his throat. The stone cold expression he was supporting made a shiver go down your spine. Without a second thought he grabbed your hand and hauled you off in the direction of his office, with his nails piercing the skin of your wrist. Within a second he shoved you into his office and slammed the door behind him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” His stern voice echoed in the office. Bouncing off the walls left and right and continuing to bounce inside your skull. The fingernails that were pressing into your skin felt like sharp needles protruding into you. You could have sworn you saw blood pass through his fingers. “Answer me!”

“I’m sorry! But I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” You panicked as you tried to yank your arm away from his hardened grasp. Those eyes of his start to terrify you the longer you stay in his touch. But he wasn’t letting you get away if anything the more you struggled against him the tighter his hold got.

“I saw that dumb fucker hand you his card, and for some unknown reason you took it. So what that’s it, you’re just gonna fucking leave after everything I’ve done for you?” He spat words at you left and right. Not bothering to back up any of his claims. He speaks as if he’s given you pure gold to walk but in reality all he’s given you is eggshells. You have to be careful around you, you’re never treated well, and he wants to sit up on his throne and act as if he’s treated you like royalty?

“If anything you’ve given me shit! You’re treating me like crap any chance you get, I made one mistake and your response to that is belittling me in front of other people!” You shouted back with just as much venom as he has done to you. With a final yank from your arm, you relaxed yourself from his grip. Tired of his antics you looked him dead in the eyes and spoke. “And so what if I take his offer, he’d be a better boss than you ever were!”

“I mean it, L/n, you take that deal and I’ll make your life a living hell.” He threatened as he got closer and closer. His minty breath fanned your face slightly as he harshly grabbed your chin. “Trust me, this is one bet you’ll regret taking if you leave.”

“I’ll take that damn bet any day.” You tried to push his chest back but he was stronger than you. What surprised you the most was the cackle-like laugh that passed through his lips. A wide smile taking over his face and that somehow made the situation more sinister.

“I warned you, Y/n.”

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this-acuteneurosis · 2 years

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And now I'm curious about your Star War WIPs, especially Marriage of Inconvenience. A Summary would be good enough. You can just pick those you want to talk about.

So, several of the ones I listed were short pieces I still haven't posted for my Through the Eyes of the Beholder series. They are alternate points of view revolving around For Want of a Skywalker, and I just need to get them polished up and posted. Anything From X Point of View falls into that category.

Anything with A Time to... is a follow up piece to A Time to Kill, and a Time to Heal (post ANH, pre ESB Luke finds out Vader is his father and "shenanakins" ensue). If I can get them how I want them, I may end up with a full collection of shorts based on Ecclesiastes 3:3 that become a series. (How I managed to link this to Star Wars, I will never know...) Part of my problem is I'm debating how they should be ordered. I didn't start with the first couplet (are these technically couplets???), so if I stay chronological to the story, the verse goes out of order and my little neurotic brain twitches. Also, I've only written 2.5 more pieces, and there's like 11 more couplets(?) I don't even know if I have a scene for. So do I post it as a series of one shots each individually labeled complete but collectively a WIP, or as a single story perpetually unfinished WIP? Yes, these are stupid things, but until they get sorted, here we are.

Marriage of Inconvenience is a pet project that I'm still debating ever posting. For...reasons. Not the least of which is it in incredibly self indulgent, and also my comfort piece that I work on when I'm stuck on something else. That one isn't getting posted until I have it completed (I do have it outlined start to finish, more or less), because the last thing I need is another actively posting WIP to feel guilty about while I have two other fanfics and an original work posting.

(Because I am, among a million other things, kind of a troll, I will confess that someone mentioned the inciting incident for MoI in a recent comment on Duty Bound, and I am still fighting the urge to say anything. And giggling madly.)

#wips #Star Wars Fic #Don't Look Back #Through the Eyes of the Beholder #why am I like this

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gerrydelano · 3 years

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Not that I disagree with all of them being capitalist allegories in TMA, but how does Vast relate to capitalist allegory? I'm not trying to be bad faith, I just never pieced it together and would like your insight. Have a lovely day tho 🌼✨🌼

absolutely, sure thing! it’s honestly really easy to miss this kind of thing for some of the entities because we get so absorbed in the actual horror story being told, but honestly (and aptly so), the Capitalist Creature is so massive that there’s almost no way to actually jot down Every Single Expression of how it impacts literally everything and everyone, and that means that you could spend Forever kind of divying it up into a part-by-part system like smirke’s shitty taxonomy.

so! this is just going to be copy pasted from my unfinished meta document about how the anti-capitalist commentary created by these concepts actually can help us to kind of trace all the individual pieces back to the root through an allegory that we all understand. this is just rough notes, nothing polished!

g-d wow yeah i actually last edited this document an exact three months to the DAY that you sent this ask, so now i’m four months late with it, but this might actually inspire me to finally try and finish/release it. whew!

simply, first: the sheer concept of a billionaire.

a billion of anything is not just The Next Step Up After A Million, like. a billion dollars is an inconceivable amount of money that no one person should ever have, much less be a multibillionaire.

hypocrisy among the avatars: simon in the great beast was pretty panicked about the idea of being killed. goes a little against the idea that everyone is insignificant, huh? he doesn’t apply those rules to himself, because for some reason, even after 500 years, he’s still got something in him to make him think he’s an exception, and to not want to die.

thinking you’re an exception while everyone else is expendable is Bad Fucking Form.

and there are a lot of people in very high places who feel exactly that way. it is a MAJOR problem among the 1% and even other fucking rich people still under that, like. privileged people in these classes genuinely just think they’re that special and Above the likes of the working class, etc.

what are these billionaires DOING with their wealth? obviously nothing of worth, if they still have it. there is no way in the world to accumulate that much wealth ethically, the ONLY way that you can become That Wealthy is to fuck other people over and deem yourself more important than the Vast Majority.

which is both exactly what you’d expect from the vast (attributing insignificance to the world at large) and informs the form of hypocrisy that people who fuck around with it take (paradoxically applying importance to Themselves by default, even if they claim not to.)

new addition actually wow

for whatever reason now i’m also thinking about the people who cried “covid is a hoax” all year only to butt their way to the head of the line for the vaccine and posting all happy on their twitters about it like. you knew you had NOTHING to worry about you just didn’t care how many other people died! you actively pushed for people Less Important Than You to get LESS help during this pandemic, and are now calling first dibs on slurping up the resources because you ARE still scared of it, you DO acknowledge it’s deadly, you DO know you are still human and can still die from a disease, and so you’re placing yourself above others in a NEW way by just saying “oh, well, NOW it’s a threat (now that there’s a solution for me to grab.)”

So, Like, Fuck That Noise!

---

going back to a bit in the beholding section: the fact that we could sit and make jokes about our assigned FBI agents at all, like. that’s a seemingly harmless expression of real desensitization to the reality of how deep this all goes. technically, we could make jokes about everything i’ve listed here and be totally casual about it because we have gotten to a point where it’s just a part of life, and we have to cope somehow.

but a lot of people literally do not even see the problem anymore. and THAT is the problem.

it’s the nihilism aspect. getting to a point where you just do NOT care about other people at all. one of the scariest parts of the vast is eventually transcending into a state of mind where nothing matters at all; not in the sense that you no longer need anything, but that others do not and you do not care about tossing them somewhere to pay YOUR metaphysical bills.

looking at you, mike crew! i get it, dude, you’re doing your best. but the fact that you even have to do THAT is a testament to how FUCKED this stuff is.

THAT goes back to how the only way you can survive is by hurting other people. there’s no way to survive without it.

----

TW for a mention of transphobia here

the fact that employers do not see their staff as people, but rather expendable pieces in a greater machine.

the great beast, once again! is a very solid and HORRIFYING metaphor for the big, scary thing that is made up of COUNTLESS real, individual people all tied together in an inescapable knot, and if you let go? you’re dead. you’re going to be trampling other people while you’re there but if you let go, you’re dead! and you can try to help other people, but you’ll just get pulled down with them, and after a point, is it even worth continuing to try?

how FUCKED is that, truly!

small anecdote but when i was fired because a transphobic coworker physically put her hands on me, i had to be interviewed about it. when i explained that i’d been chatting with another girl about changing my name while we were doing our duties packing some bags up, the manager was stuck on nothing but, “this conversation was had In My Store? While You Were On The Clock?” as if people can’t… multitask, or just don’t have conversations While working? in a fucking friendly’s? do you think we just live to talk about ice cream and mozzarella sticks and we cease being human beings because we’re clocked in? fucking hello?

the actual event itself wasn’t ~vast~ (but it sure was something lol) but the specific response of expecting people to just Stop Being People is so. the complete disregard of personhood is very vast. it overlaps with other ones (flesh in particular), but it can still be touched on through this lens, too.

----

i had more than this, and the document itself is currently like 5k words long and not even remotely done (if i release it it’ll be as a link TO the document not a tumblr post LMAO), but these are only a few examples of how the vast connects back to capitalism just as much as the more obvious ones like the desolation and the eye and everything. hope this helps! and thank you so much for being patient with me 🥺 much love to you, friend!

#ronologues #the vast #anon #asks #half a ronologue. it's a Sloppy ronologue. it WILL be a ronologue.

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suchalonelysunflower · 4 years

Text

“Unsteady”

(Ashton Irwin X fem!Reader || Angst)

Summary: Based on the song “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors. You and you husband Ashton, got into an accident. As the months pass, Ashton is starting to lose hope.

Warnings: ANGST, mentions of Drunk Driving, hospitals, coma, accidents (kinda explicit) panick attack, a lot of crying, swear words, death, blood, violence, overall sadness, bad English (not my first language, my apologies)

Word Count: 3.9k

A/N: here I am with another Ashton Angst. Hope you like it 🦋 and remember that reblogs and likes always help and feedback and comments are always welcome! I would love to hear your thoughts 💙 You can check my other works HERE.

”Hold

Hold on

Hold on to me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

A little unsteady”

‘Her hand is too cold’ Ashton thought ‘She must be very cold’

You were lying in the hospital bed, unfazed. Ashton knew you couldn’t feel anything, at least that’s what the doctors told him. But he couldn’t help but wonder if you were cold. If you could feel your skin becoming more like ice every second but were unable to ask for a blanket.

He would give you the sun if you asked.

But you couldn’t.

Ashton hasn’t heard your voice in over three months, and damn, how he missed it. He misses you, all of you. He often wondered what he’d do if when you open your eyes. Would he cry? Kiss you? Pass out? He didn’t know. All he knew is that he’ll be the happiest man on earth once you did.

But your hands were cold against his. Your body numb in the bed. And he was by your side, unmoving.

The nice nurse came in, he liked her and knew you would too, once you meet her “It’s four already” she said, smiling kindly to Ashton. He nodded and stepped aside to let her work.

He became familiarized with the routines pretty quickly. He memorized the medicines, the sounds of the machines attached to your body, every single technicality. Ashton always hated not to know, so he spent many nights next to you studying everything he could so he’ll be up to date. It became his life mission to make sure you were treated correctly and that you were safe.

“Her hand is cold” he muttered

“Okay, I’ll make sure to bring something warm for her when I come back” the lovely nurse smiled. Ashton breathed a small ‘thank you’ as she left, taking his usual spot in the chair next to your bed, holding your hand.

“You will love her” he said to you. He read that talking to you could be helpful, since you could probably hear him “She’s very nice to us, to you. And she has that ‘loving granny’ energy you talk about. I don’t know if she’s a grandma, though. She’s probably around 52… you would know better. You always do”

His eyes landed on your face, you look beautiful as always, but you didn’t move a muscle. Ashton squeezes your hand, waiting for a reaction of any kind, but getting nothing as a result. He felt the tears coming back, they haven't left since that night, and his voice broke as he tried to hold them.

“Baby, please come back” he pleaded “I - I know you’re trying to fight when you feel like flying. I know you’re there, Y/N. Please, hold on to me. Come back to me” breaking down as he couldn’t contain the tears any longer, he whispered ”I - I miss you”

“Ashton, you can’t be serious” You said giggling.

You were coming back home after a concert. The last concert of tour and you were ready to have your husband all by yourself again. You looked at Ashton as his smile spreaded through his face, making all of his dimples pop out and your heart flutter. His hands were on the wheel, but his eyes kept drifting from you to the road.

“I mean it!” He said with a laugh “Don’t tell me you didn’t think the same thing when you saw them!”

“I did, I’m not gonna lie” you admitted “But do you think we are ready? I mean, a kid is a lot more responsibility than some plants in the garden”

It was not the first time the ‘baby conversation’ popped out. But it was always dismissed, stating that neither of you were ready for that yet. Tonight, however, one of Michael’s friends brought her baby backstage and your mommy instincts kicked in. You were pulled towards that baby like a magnet, impossible to deny how cute they were, specially in a little 5SOS hoodie customized to their size. Ashton saw from a distance how good you were with that little baby that he felt the need to have one of your own. Falling in love with the thought of you being a wonderful mother to your child.

“I know that, but think about it, love. The tour’s over, the boys and I already decided to take a little break before starting to work on a new album, we all want to dedicate some time to our families, so I’ll be around for anything you need. Not to mention that we are financially stable and completely in love” Ashton grabbed you hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently “Plus, think how beautiful you’ll look with a baby bump”

“Yeah, all bloated and irritable”

“Still beautiful” He fixed his eyes on you, still smiling “Look, if you’re not ready then we can wait but -“

“Let’s do it.”

“What?”

“I said, let’s do it. Let’s try for a baby”

Ashton’s eyes gleamed under the night sky as he looked at you with adoration. You were both smiling like fools. It was decided then, you were going to have a baby! You were so immerse with happiness at that moment,, maybe that’s why you didn’t see the car heading towards you.

“You should go home for a bit, mate” Michael said as he placed his hand on Ashton’s shoulder. He didn’t move.

It was visiting hours, Michael, Luke, Calum and their girls came today. They always do. Making Ashton company as he patiently waits for you next to your bed.

“I’m fine”

He really wasn’t. His hair was a mess, he had dark circles under his eyes and he can’t even remember the last time he ate a proper meal or took a real shower. But he didn’t care. All of his attention was on you, all of his hopes, his prayers, his pleads, all came back to you and the chance that you’ll open your eyes.

“You’re not fine, Ashton,” Michael pleaded again, but got no response from him “Look at me” He squeezed Ashton’s shoulder, turning Ashton around to look him in the eyes. The same hazel eyes that a few months ago were filled with love and spark, that now were empty and sad “You need to go home”

“But-“

“Go home, Ash. If not for you then do it for Y/N”

Ashton was taken aback. Michael never spoke with such authority as he did at that moment. He knew he was right but still he couldn’t leave you.

“Mike and I will stay with her” Luke said “Visitors hours don’t end until two hours from now. That’s enough time for you to grab some things from home”

“And for goodness sake, take a shower” Cal intervened.

“We’ll be here and we’ll call you if anything happens. But you can’t take care of her if you don’t take care of yourself, you were hurt too”

Ashton felt like he was being cornered by his three best friends. They were right, of course they were. But this was harder that it seemed and he didn’t know if he was ready to face it.

“I- I can’t” he mumbled looking down, feeling three pairs of eyes on him “I can’t go home without Y/N,, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it”

A pitiful look was exchanged between the three men. All of them hurting for him, for you.

“I’ll go with you, mate. You don’t have to go alone” Calum said, extending his hand to his best friend, helping him getting up.

When they reached the parking lot, Ashton tossed his keys to Calum, not saying a word. He was not ready to sit behind the wheel again. So Calum drove them through the familiar streets of LA, back to an empty house that was once filled with songs.

Ashton held his breath when he opened the door and stepped in. It was all too familiar but at the same time so strange. Everything was like the way you left it, the news paper on the kitchen table, next to the glass of wine you didn’t get to finish. The pair of shoes you decided to change at the last minute were still by the door and your perfume invaded the house as a ghost. Every inch of this house had your presence in it, but you were nowhere to be found.

Calum placed his hand on Ashton’s shoulder, something they all seem to be doing a lot lately, as he took in the empty house “Take all the time that you need” and he did.

Ashton walked through the deserted halls, stopping in front of his and your room. He placed his hand on the doorknob but didn’t have the heart to open it, knowing you won’t be there waiting for him like each night. He felt the tears coming up again and his breathing was uneven. It took all of him to step away from the door and head towards the guest room. At least he knows it won’t smell like you.

After a much needed shower, he went to the basement. The basket filled with laundry was still there, you told him you lost track of time and forgot to put it back up. He was glad you didn’t. Ashton grabbed a few shirts and jeans and put them in a bag, he also put a few of your clothes in there, thinking you’d feel more comfortable once you wake up. He couldn’t ignore the pain of smelling your perfume so close to him after so long. He didn’t want to.

He was about to head out when he walked by his music room. The door was open, so he was able to catch a glimpse of a few books you recommended him, but that he never had the chance to read. Maybe he could read them to you, he thought.

Stepping into the room he found thousands of papers scattered around the coffee table. Bunch of scratches and unfinished songs he was ready to show you.

It wasn’t a secret that you were Ashton’s muse. Every song he wrote was inspired by you in every possible way. And you were his number one fan, always encouraged him to do what he loves and to do better by himself. Always taking care, not only of him, but of everyone else. No kindness in the world could compare to yours, no love in the world could compare to yours and now…

Where were you? Why? How could this happen? Why you?

A million questions ran through Ashton’s head, making his senses go black as he ripped apart every piece of paper he could find. Not really paying attention to the damage he was causing as he threw everything in his way. Glasses, picture frames, drumsticks, the drums themselves… all for what? What did it matter? How could anything matter if you were not there?

Calum heard the thundering sounds and cries of his best friend and ran to him. But, to his eyes, it was almost impossible to describe the broken scene that played before him.

Ashton was crying out of rage, sadness, hopelessness and some relief. Letting it all out as he trashed the music room that was once a comfort for him. The tears were mixed with his sweat, grunting and panting as he destroyed every piece of himself in that room.

“Ash!” Yelled Calum as he stepped into the chaos, trying to reach his friend “Ash-Ashton!” He managed to dodge a few pieces of glass and plastic from the broken drum kit.

He reached him mid rage, grabbing his fisted hands with all the strength he could use “Ashton fucking stop! You need to stop!”

Ashton froze as he opened his eyes and found Calum staring at him in fear. Trembling and falling to this knees, he found himself unable to stand on his feet. Tears streaming down freely.

“She’s gone” he sobbed. Completely broken.

Calum let his guard down, softly saying “She’s not gone, Ash. She’s not gone” He grabbed the tall man and pulled him into a hug. Ashton didn’t put on a fight as he let himself be comforted by his friend “She’s going to be fine. You hear me? She’ll be okay”

“We were supposed to start a new chapter together. We- we were going to start a family and… it all happened so fast, Cal”

He cried even harder “Cal, I don’t remember if it was my fault”

“You were hit by a drunk driver, none of this is your fault”

“I should’ve paid more attention! It should’ve been me! I should be the one in the fucking hospital bed”

It was all too much. It all hurt too much. It’s just,, it wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve this, being connected to a machine, fighting to stay alive when he was the one driving the car. Three months without opening your eyes, without hearing your laughter, or your off key singing. He would do anything just to feel your arms around him one more time, to hear your voice saying that everything was going to be okay. He needed you. He needed you desperately. How could he live without you when you were all he knew? How could he sing about love when you’re not here to hear it?

“This house doesn’t feel like a home without her” He sobbed “I- I don’t know what I’ll do, I can't lose her”

“You won’t” Said Calum, fighting his own tears when the image of you fighting for your life came to mind. But he knew he had to stay positive, for Ashton, for everyone “We won’t lose Y/N, she will wake up”

“Cal, I -“ whispered Ashton in a broken voice “I don’t think she will”

“Y/N?!”

Darkness. Everything was dark and everything hurts. Where was he? Why,, why couldn’t he move?

It took him a second to figure out that you were upside down, still inside of the car. He called your name one more time, but there was no answer. His eyes needed to adjust, he needed to find you. But then..

“A-ash?”

Your voice was weak. Barely even a whisper filled with pain.

“Y/N?!” Ashton called, his hand immediately trying to get to yours. He didn’t care about the broken pieces of glass and concrete that cut through his skin, he just needed to hold your hand “It’s okay, you’re okay”

“Ash” you cried in pain. Squeezing his hand, trying to hold onto something real “I can’t move. Everything hurts”

“Don’t move, Love. Don’t move until they come for us, okay? They’re going to help you. You’ll be okay”

Ashton tried to remain calm for you, soothing your cries by running circles in your hand. “Just hold onto me, baby. Hold my hand. We’re gonna get through this, okay? We are going to be fine”

You could only cry in response. Every ounce of pain hitting you from different parts. It was almost intolerable, but Ashton tried his best to comfort you and you got lost in the sound of his voice, starting to drift away.

“Don’t let go, Y/N. Baby. Don’t let go of my hand, okay? I need you here with me, you understand me?”

“Ashton, I’m tired”

“No, no no no, baby stay with me. Tell me, what names do you like?”

“N-names?”

“Yes, Love. For the baby”

“The baby…”

Ashton was crying, but he wouldn’t let you see it. He squeezed your hand.

“Yes, yes the baby” He could hear your breathing slowing down “You can’t go to sleep, love. Baby, hold on”

He could hear the sirens coming closer, they were going to be okay.

“W-what about Alex? Do you like that one?” You could only hum in response “Stay with me, Y/N. What about Rose? You told me you liked that name, remember?”

The lights of the ambulance shined in the pavement. They were here. Help was here.

“Rose…” you said faintly

“Yes, yes baby. We are going to have such a beautiful family” Ashton cried as he felt your hand gave in “And you’re going to be an excellent mother.”

“You’ll be an excellent father”

“Y/N?”

“I’m so tired, Ash. Everything hurts” you cried.

“Baby no, don’t leave me. Just hold onto me, keep holding onto me”

He was panicking now, feeling you fade away.

“I love you” you said.

“Y/N?! No, baby c’mon. Hold on, please. If you love me don’t let go. Don’t leave me here”

Ashton didn’t feel when the door of his car opened next to him. He didn’t feel when they pulled him out of the car and into a stretcher. He just wanted to know that you were okay.

“Y/N?!” He screamed at the paramedics, trying to find you among the crowd that has gathered around the wreck “Where’s my wife?! Y/N!”

All he could hear was “She’s losing a lot of blood!” “We need to take her now” “I don’t feel a heartbeat, we’re losing her” as he saw your figured being pulled away in another ambulance, away from him.

He yelled, screamed, cried and kicked, trying to get to you somehow. He needed to be with you. He needed to know that you were still with him. That you were okay.

He didn’t feel when they injected him with a sedative.

From that moment on, everyday was the same. Everyday hoping that it might be different.

After the wreckage of your home, Ashton came back to the hospital to find you still asleep on the bed. He thanked the boys and said goodbye, promising them that he’ll be fine.

“I went home today” he said as he sat down on his usual spot, cupping your hand in his, letting your wedding bands touch “everything is where you left it. I - I didn’t dare to put everything back, I know how mad you can get when I move your stuff” Ashton let out a sad laugh, holding your hand even tighter “I’m sorry if my hands are a bit rough, I.. well let’s say you wouldn’t want to come into my music room for quite some time. I’m sorry”

Ashton looked at you. The bruises and cuts from the accident were almost fully healed. Your hair was longer, but it wasn’t as soft as it used to be. Your eyelashes rested peacefully over your cheeks, it was almost like if you were dreaming.

“I wish you could tell me how stupid I am. Believe it or not, I miss your nagging” he sighed “I miss everything. I miss you”

The machine that was connected to your heartbeat played its usual melody, filling the gaps that were created by your silence.

“I can’t help but think that this is all my fault. Everyone tells me it’s not, that I wasn’t the one driving drunk on the streets of LA. But then I look at you and, fuck Y/N, I don’t even know if you’re in pain and it kills me. If I could trade your life for mine I would, darling, in a heartbeat.”

‘“ I should’ve paid more attention to the road. I should’ve moved out of the way or.. I should’ve done something to avoid this” silent tears rolled down his cheek, he didn’t even attempt to wipe them away “We had so much ahead of us… we were going to start a family and I.. I can’t help but think that I took that away from you, from us”

‘“ I need you here, Y/N. I need you here by my side. I can’t live without you, I don’t want to live without you, baby. You are my everything, my Y/N, my love. Without you I’m unsteady, you’re my rock, my ending and beginning, my North Star.. Y/N you’re my home. And I know it sounds selfish but I’m not ready to give you away. I love you. I love you so fucking much, Y/N. Please don’t leave me, don’t let go. Come back, baby. I need you”

He cried through every word, every confession. He cried for everything they had and all that they could have if she wakes up. He cried so hard he didn’t notice when her Heart Rate went up all of the sudden.

“Y/N? Baby don’t. No no no no don’t let go” The beeps were faster, violent, shaking up Ashton from sorrow. Having him screaming at the top of his lungs for a doctor.

It all happened so fast. A sea of white coats surrounding the room and pushing Ashton out of the way and into the hall. He tried to step in again, but a nurse cut his way.

“I’m sorry, sir. You can’t go in there” he said, sternly.

“B-but that’s my wife.. That’s my wife!”

“Sir, I will need you to stay calm and stay here while the doctors work. Okay?” He went into the room, opening the door just enough for Ashton to see two paddlers hit your chest.

Ashton punched the walls out of frustration, almost breaking his hand and making it bleed. He rested his head on the furthest wall and slowly fell to the ground, sobbing his heart out.

He stayed like that for a long time before the doctors and nurses stepped out of the room, all of them ignoring him as he stayed on the floor. It wasn’t until Y/N’s head doctor appeared that he got up.

His eyes and face were puffy red, his hand was bruised and swollen. But he couldn’t seem to find a care. Not now. Not when his Y/N was all alone. Not when there’s a chance that she’s not there anymore.

“Mr. Irwin” said the doctor in a low voice that made Ashton’s world fade to grey, swallowing the lump he had in his throat “Mrs. Irwin went into cardiac arrest. It seemed like all of this got the best of her. Her vitals were…”

But Ashton couldn’t hear her anymore. In his mind everything was pure bullshit. All of this speach saying how sorry they were and that you’re in a better place, bullshit. You were gone. You were really gone. The universe could fall apart right there and there and he wouldn’t bat an eyelash. His universe died with you.

His eyes were an empty void. He could see the mouth of the doctor still moving. But all he could think was you. You and your perfect smile, the way your eyes shined every time you talked about something that you were passionate about. The way you looked in your wedding day and how nothing could even come close to the feeling of happiness when you said your ’I do’s’ How you would dance on each and every concert, cheer him up from the side of the stage, waiting to be kissed once it was over. And now you were gone.

He would never hear you laugh or say I love you again. He would never see you walk around the house in one of his shirts, trying to call his attention. He would never feel you close in the mornings, cuddling until you eventually had to let go. You were gone. And he wasn’t ready for that. He will never be ready for a life that doesn’t have you in it.

“... So would you like to see her?” The doctor said. Calling Ashton back to the real world.

“I’m sorry, what?” His shock was palpable. Voice sounding broken and weak as he was. Lips trembling as he held his breath, afraid that he misheard her.

“She’s stable, at the moment. She asked for you. She mentioned something about a rose....”

You were okay? You were awake?!

Ashton burst into the room without a second thought. Tears falling as he saw you looking at him from the hospital bed, smiling weakly. He stood there for a second, whispering as he thought it might be a dream.

“Y/N?”

“Ashton....”

”If you love me, don't let go

If you love me, don't let go”

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clownistyping · 5 years

Text

The Neverending Story

Immortal reader! Gender neutral for now!

Cover by @laneygthememequeen

"And they lived happily ever after. ``The End." You slammed the fairy tale book closed with a sigh. This has been the fifth book you've read this week, all ending with a happy ending.

Ending.

Ends.

You scoff, every story ended. It's unrealistic to you, you're story won't end. You truly live the neverending story.

Standing from your loveseat you walked to your window. Looking out you only saw the vast plains of..nothing. Just the way you like it.

Okay, let's introduce yourself to....yourself.

You're an immortal, been around since before the Mesopotamian were even thought of. But for some reason. When you were in your younger years, aka a couple thousand years. You wanted to venture everywhere in fear of dying and never being able to see it all. For at first you didn't really know you were immortal until you looked twelve for longer than the average twelve year old.

So you went and saw everything, you've seen so many sights. Even the ones humans know nothing about, and you hope it stays that way.

For during your thousand journeys you've met millions of people of all different cultures. While many were nice, you did meet too many not nice humans.

The humans that disrespect the living and the dead, the humans that kill others in rage of pent up emotions. The humans that put themselves on a pedestal of higher ground than others all because their daddies a politician. That's right, Emily I'm looking at you, Bitch.

You've met them all and while the good should outweigh the bad. The bad have stuffed their pockets with cash and cigars.

So to try to separate yourself from humans and their evil deeds, you did what any immortal would do.

Buy a two story home in the middle of butt fuck no where and watch the humans kill themselves slowly. I mean with enough money saved from all your adventures you could buy the government and tear it down, then build a massive statue of a dick. But you figure the Government is doing a good job at that already.

You're not rich, but you're well off to live life comfortably and alone for a couple thousand years. Just the way you like it. Alone.

Being alone is your thing, you've been alone all your life to be honest. Sure you've made friends, lovers, enemies. But they all die, leave you behind for a better place that you can never go to.

So there you stand alone in your small library, surrounded by books you've read millions of times. There were no pictures in your house, you decided not too take any; they were a waste of time considering the fact that you like to live in the moment, not in the past.

Leaning on the bookshelf, you slid down and roughly plopped onto the ground, only for a small hardcover book to land right next to you.

'Handbook for the recently deceased.' Oh right that book.

The only reason you have this book is because at one point your home was haunted, but sadly the ghost finished their unfinished business and left you, without even saying goodbye.

So with a frown you picked it up to put it back on the shelf, only for a small piece of paper to fall out.

'Betelgeuse. The 'bio-exorcist'' a small illustration of a bug man with a hammer stared up at you and you raised a brow.

"Mmm..

Betelgeuse..Betelgeuse…"

You hummed and turned the card, the other side was blank.

"Betelgeuse."

Tagged. If you wanna be tagged in this series comment uwu.

@theannonomusgamblerpt2 @laneygthememequeen @zelda2248

#ill be writing more soon i hope this is good so far uwu #beetlejuice #beetlejuice the musical #beetlejuice imagines #beetlegeuse #beetlejuice x reader #musical #musical imagines

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sanfl0werrr · 5 years

Text

the meaning of love

you felt weird, like really weird. the ride back home with jaemin was weird. the both of you barely spoke and he looked as if he was so done with everything. it felt as if he didn't want anything to do with you either.

i mean, he could have just rejected me, you thought, why go through all the trouble?

you decided to not think about it anymore. the run in with the dreamies were too weird, and it was probably the first and last time you will ever interact with them. at least you hoped it was.

just as you were about to leave the house, your mother called out to you, "i don't see wonwoo anymore. did you have a fight with him?"

you rolled your eyes, "no, i didn't. there's rumours that he's dating someone now. i don't know who's the lucky girl though."

"y/n doesn't need any man! she has me," your little brother ran to hug you, with his arms wide open.

"that's right, my little prince! i only need you," you kissed him on the cheek as you carried him up.

"what about me, princess?" your father coughed from behind the newspaper, "i'm practically the first man you love."

both you and your mother looked at each other and laughed, "well, someone's craving for some love."

"i'm going now. bye!" you shouted as you put your shoes on.

the rumours of wonwoo having a girlfriend was spreading like wildfire in school. no matter where you went; canteen, garden or even the toilet; you will keep hearing about it.

you sighed. your heart was hurting after all, and the fact that everyone was talking about it, made it worse. it was as if you were invisible, like you weren't the one who's been next to him all these while. everyone dismissed your existence now that wonwoo has a girlfriend.

break came, and when it was break, wonwoo would usually find you to eat together. ever since the rumour had spread, he no longer finds you anymore. so, you secluded yourself in the music room at the end of the hallway.

you entered the music room, finding solace in the silence as you sat down in front of the piano. wonwoo and you would usually hang in the music room from time to time, just catching up or even talking about random topics.

the music room was also one of the reasons why you fell for him. because when two people spend so much time together, they're bound to be alike. that was what happened to you and wonwoo, the both of you were inseparable.

remember when you told me you liked the colour green? you smiled to yourself, remember when you told me you wanted to write?

remember you told me you wouldn't leave me? your smiled faltered, remember you told me you loved me?

"it was probably as friends, though," you sighed.

"as friends? what is?" a voice boomed from behind you.

you jumped in shock, "oh god, make a noise! you nearly killed me!"

"you're exaggerating," you could sense the sarcasm in his tone.

you turned around to give the boy a piece of your mind, but you didn't expect it to be him, out of all people.

"jaemin?" you squealed.

"cat got your tongue?" he raised his brows.

before you could even say anything, the rest of the dreamies entered the room.

"y/n is here!" chenle shouted excitedly.

"luck is not on my side today," you huffed.

"what do you mean by that? we're the best you've got!" donghyuck snapped in fingers.

"i suddenly don't feel so good," you joked as you grabbed your unfinished lunch, trying to get away.

"she just called you thanos!" jisung laughed really hard, slapping mark's and jeno's arms.

"jisung!" both of them shouted in unison.

you were just about to escape the chaotic scene until someone closed the door shut from behind you.

"going somewhere?" jaemin voiced out.

you turned around, his tall figure hovering above you, "yes, i'm trying to get away."

"why!?" chenle questions you, very loud.

"i mean, aren't i intruding? seems like the music room is your hangout place," you shrugged.

"y/n... come sit with us. like chenle said yesterday, you're always welcome to hang with us," mark softens.

"why is mark so soft towards y/n? suspicious," donghyuck scratches his chin.

"yucks, i can't get used to mark being soft," jeno chides in.

"mark, i didn't know you had a crush on me," you cooed.

"oh god, y/n! stop teasing me so much. you always do that during our committee meetings!" he shrieked, "not here too, please."

you laughed, "i'll try."

the moment you looked up, your eyes made contact with jaemin's. you didn't realise how pretty he looked up close, almost too sinful to be that beautiful. you blushed momentarily and looked away, walking to take a seat to finish your lunch.

as you sat down, jaemin plopped next to you immediately after that. you looked around to see that there were a few other seats available, but didn't really heed much attention.

"so, y/n! do you like games?" renjun started the conversation.

"mobile games? not so. arcade games? hell yeah," you grew excited the moment you mentioned arcade.

jeno placed a hand on his heart, acting offended. you just laughed and stuck your tongue out as a joke.

"let's go to the arcade after school, then!" chenle suggested.

"that's very impromptu though," you widen your eyes.

"you don't like it?" renjun asked.

"hell no, i love it! let's go! i'm so excited!" you danced a little, out of excitement.

the rest of the dreamies laughed, except for jaemin. he tried stifling his smile, because he found you really cute and all he wanted was to squish your cheeks. not that you know anything though.

you were just fidgeting in class, and knowing that you're gonna go to the arcade right after that you couldn't control the excitement.

"ms y/n. i will have you know that my class hasn't ended yet," the teacher voiced out.

the bell rang right after that, signalling the end of class.

"well, it has now," you winked at the teacher.

you spranced out the door to get some of the things out of the locker that was needed for the weekend.

"arcade! let's get it," you whispered to yourself.

just as you closed your locker, someone called out to you. you turned around to see who it was and it was none other than, jeon wonwoo. right next to him was a girl, whom you assume to be his girlfriend.

"y/n!" wonwoo greeted you excitedly.

"oh, hey!" you forced a smiled.

"i know i've been missing in action a lot and i know you've probably heard the rumours and i'm super sorry for the late introduction!" he clasped his hands together, hoping you'd forgive him, "her name's aera, and she's my girlfriend!"

and those assumptions were correct.

"finally, jeon wonwoo! i've been dying to know who's the lucky girl!" you took his hands and jumped around gleefully, while your heart literally broke into a million pieces yet again.

"i wanted you to be the first one to know and i'm sorry for keeping this from you. you're my best friend," wonwoo smiled.

you're my best friend, he said.

"o-of course! you're my best friend too," you repeated to assure him but it somehow left a bitter taste in your mouth.

"let's catch up soon, y/n!" wonwoo waved goodbye.

looking at their silhoutte fading away, your tears threatened to fall any minute. i thought i told you to suck it up, you said to yourself again, suck it up!

he isn't worth any tears, you tried brainwashing yourself again, but the tears fell anyway.

you ran to the music room. you didn't care if anyone saw you or judged you, but you kept running. you just needed to be alone.

the moment you slammed the door open, you were face-to-face with 7 familiar faces.

"y/n?" chenle whispered.

"oh my god, what happened?" donghyuck tried to come closer.

you stepped back, shock evident on everyone's faces, including yours.

"i-i have to go, i'm sorry," you ran away.

"y/n!" you heard jaemin calling out to you.

you ran till you reach the one place with no memories of wonwoo and you together; dream book cafe.

with a heavy breathing, you tried to make yourself comfortable at the restricted section that was located at the end of the room. you hated that you cried easily, and the fact that you've fallen deeply in love with your best friend.

everyone said don't ever fall for your best friend, and you could see why now. there wasn't any guarantee that he/she will love you back. you only realised that now, which sucks.

"y/n?" a voice call out to you.

you immediately looked up and widen your eyes, "h-how did you know i was here?"

"i live around here remember? and you mentioned this cafe once before," jaemin sighed.

he came closer and sat right next to you, "wanna tell me what happened?"

"n-no," you stuttered.

"really?" he asked once again.

you hiccup, "n-no."

jaemin chuckled, "come here."

he placed his hand over you, making you lean onto his broad shoulder.

"are you comfortable?" he peered into your face, making sure that you're okay.

you nodded, "very comfortable, thanks to you."

jaemin chuckled once again, "so, do you wanna tell me why you were crying?"

you waited and contemplated for a little while, wondering if you should opened up to jaemin. i mean, he was actually the one who didn't talk to you, but also, what's the harm in letting him know.

you breathed in, wondering how to start, "um, well.. i like someone, and he turns out to be my best friend."

you looked at jaemin, and he was staring back at you, listening to every word you were saying.

"maybe it's more than just a like. maybe it's love, but i don't know. we've spent every day together and doing things together and that made me grown to like him so much, so the thought of us being together most of the time was never really weird. i thought maybe we had a chance together, until i saw his girlfriend."

you paused again, and you felt jaemin hugging you tighter.

"his girlfriend was so pretty and they really look compatible together. maybe, it was just me, being my delusional self, you know. wonwoo deserved way better and i can never match up to him, i would never. i was never meant to be loved by him but i wanted him to love me badly."

"you're fine the way you are, y/n. my words probably won't be of any comfort but, believe me when i say you deserve just as much love as wonwoo. maybe even more. the love you give to people is the love you're definitely gonna get back. wonwoo's girlfriend is pretty, you say? i think you're even more stunning and charming than anyone i've met."

you didn't dare to look up to meet his eyes. you didn't want him to see you've became a mess, a blushing mess. it wasn't even a confession, you know it, but it drove you mad, a wreck.

from then on, you knew things will never be the same.

#nct #nct dream #nct 127 #nct u #nct imagines #nct jaemin #nct jeno #nct mark #nct haechan #nct renjun #nct chenle #nct jisung #na jaemin #jaemin scenario

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joiedecombat · 3 years

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100 Days of Writing: the List

Since it seems there is some interest, why not? List of works (nominally) in progress, old unfinished fics, and Stuff I Want To Write below the cut. Feel free to ask about any of these.

Works (nominally) In Progress

Fanfic

"Reason or Rhyme" (Time Princess - Gotham Memoirs). The Vittorio expansion/fix-fic, because I will be forever disgruntled at how little romance content was actually included in the Mafia romance route.

Galactic Date Night Shenanigans aka "The one where everything is Balkar's fault." (SWTOR - Theron Shan/Jedi Knight). Theron "disaster spy" Shan is goaded into trying to take his wife out for a nice date for once, and it goes like every other plan these two have ever had anything to do with.

#3: [I] trusted [you] (SWTOR - Theron Shan / Jedi Knight). A post-Nathema prompt fic I swear I will finish one of these days.

Original

super secret short story/novella project - Okay it's not that super secret, but it is something I'm mostly keeping under my hat for now as I work on it because of reasons, and is actually (inconveniently, for 100 Days of Writing purposes) the main thing I've been working on lately. I expect to be able to say more about it later. Maybe even within the 100 days! We'll see.

southern gothic urban fantasy procedural romance - Faerie Animal Control Warden meets FBI Elf during investigation of a suspicious death out in the kudzu. A little bit of Bright, a bit Mushi-Shi, a drop of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

Stuff I Want to Write

Distinct from works in progress in that I have not actually gotten past the planning stage on any of these - if that. A few of these have been rattling around in concept for long enough to have gone through several distinct evolutions without ever getting any writing done on them. Still, hope springs eternal and ideas are never wasted.

Fanfic

the rival bands AU / the rock opera playlist fic (Sailor Moon - Makoto Kino/Nephrite). Currently exists entirely as an incomplete playlist.

space opera Pride and Prejudice retelling - exactly what it sounds like on the tin. Do y'all know I have yet to encounter a futuristic/space AU? Surely there's one out there somewhere, but I have yet to see it. If you know of one, for the love of God don't tell me.

"Ten of Swords" - (Archer EMIYA/Minako Arisato). fate/stay night + Persona 3 Portable crossover what's even wrong with my brain.

Original

the Regency fae story - a Regency-era fantasy in which a lot of the needlessly complicated and restrictive social rules followed by the upper classes are actually an attempt at defending against the Fair Folk. Sort of Pride and Prejudice vs Changeling: the Lost vs Labyrinth. Could turn into a whole Pride and Prejudice retelling, I guess?

drinking games - fantasy imperial court intrigues involving a romance between a court poison taster and a master spy/assassin.

untitled - East/southeast Asian-inspired Beauty and the Beast retelling in which the Beast is a mountain god whose appearance is based on a tiger. I'm probably too white to write this.

untitled - Private investigator hired to investigate local bad-boy-made-good for insurance fraud, turns out it was actually an ill-advised teenage deal with the devil coming due. Might fit in with that other southern gothic urban fantasy idea, I am not sure.

the ciphered letter - This one started off as a combination of a Mage: the Awakening campaign and a really, really weird spam email I got one time. Orphan gets mysterious ciphered letter, meets snarky Welsh mage, awakens to magic and maybe almost gets made a human sacrifice to an eldritch abomination.

Forfeit - Regency/Victorian-esque fantasy involving reincarnation, a race of immortals, and a half-immortal teaming up with a mortal who sacrificed his future reincarnations for pseudo-immortality to uncover and stop the sinister secrets that power a colonizing empire. It makes more sense in my head... probably?

untitled - Slow burn enemies to lovers between the world-conquering emperor and the rebel leader who's opposing him, over the course of a time loop. AKA Lord of Heroes Kartis/Monarch with the serials filed off. Or I guess I could just write Lord of Heroes fanfic?

low fantasy Magnificent Seven Samurai - Farming village scrapes together a group of starving mercs to protect them from marauders, drama ensues. That's it, that's the whole idea.

Unfinished Fics

Distinct from works in progress in that these are all old enough I can no longer claim I intend to finish them. Some of them I may come back to, especially the few that had substantial progress made before they fell by the wayside. Most will probably be left abandoned, either because I have lost interest in continuing to work on them or I have just plain forgotten what I was planning to do with them.

dreameater - A very old, loosely Forgotten Realms-inspired concept involving an aging half-elf, his fully elven partner, and a mysterious magical threat that's devouring people's dreams.

"Fortune Favors the Brave" (Baccano! - Luck Gandor/Eve Genoard). The Luck/Eve shipping fic.

"Intermezzo" (Blood+ City of Nightwalkers). Follow-up fic to an obscure manga prequel/side story for the vampire anime Blood+, involving Hagi and the Hong Kong cop who semi-adopted him that one time.

"The Art of Losing Everything" (Dragon Age: Origins - Alistair Theirin/f!Cousland). An Alistair/f!Warden fic with themes of loss, duty, and sacrifice.

"In Pieces" (Dragon Age II - Fenris/f!Hawke). A terrible horrible no good very bad AU where Hawke actually turned Fenris over to Danarius and then came back to try to fix her mistake, which I can never finish because I can't make that initial decision make internal sense no matter how hard I try.

"Pas de Deux" (Final Fantasy VIII - Squall Leonhart/Rinoa Heartilly). Exploration of how Squall and Rinoa's relationship could develop after the events of the game.

"With Good Intentions" (Final Fantasy VIII - Squall Leonhart/Rinoa Heartilly). An AU in which Rinoa discovers that technically you can change the past, it's just that if Squall has an actual decent childhood the world ends. Way too ambitious for me to ever actually finish, probably, but I can't quite give up on the idea.

"I've Loved These Days" (Gundam SEED - Mu la Flaga/Murrue Ramius). One of several partly-written Gundam SEED fics kicking around in my files.

"The Last Night of the World" (Gundam SEED - Mu la Flaga/Murrue Ramius). Another Gundam SEED fic, one that began as a prompt in ye olde LiveJournal days. "I've Loved These Days" might have been a prototype, though they don't appear to have any text in common. Could in theory still get finished, maybe.

Valentine's ghosts (Gundam SEED Destiny - Andrew Waltfeld/Murrue Ramius). I'm just saying, Andy/Murrue would have been so much more interesting than the whole Neo thing in Destiny.

"Lion Passant" (Kingdom Hearts). Something something Leon as a failed Keyblade Bearer. The Kingdom Hearts franchise has rewritten its own lore at least three times since I originally had the idea, I can't imagine I'll ever continue it now.

"Vigil" (KotOR - Carth Onasi/f!Revan). Carth/Revan retrospective somewhere around the tomb of Naga Sadow on Korriban.

"Semper Fidelis" (KotOR/KotOR II - Carth Onasi/f!Revan). Post-Sith Lords Carth/Revan resolution fic.

"Clarity" (KotOR II). Atton Rand backstory study from the POV of that one nameless Jedi.

"A Simple Game of Cards" (KotOR II - Atton Rand/Jedi Exile). Spoilers: it is never a simple game of cards. Turns out someone already did it with more or less the same twist I had in mind.

the besieged base fic (Mass Effect - f!Shepard/Kaidan Alenko). A fic rendition of the "Besieged Base" mission from the first Mass Effect.

"Get Up, Jonah" (Mass Effect). I woke up thinking about Turkish drummers. Didn't take long; I don't know much about Turkish drummers. Virmire, before the other shoe drops.

"Long Night" (Mass Effect). Ashley on Virmire.

"My Heart Dances" (Mass Effect - f!Shepard/Kaidan Alenko). Liara POV of Shepard/Kaidan.

"No Way Out" (Mass Effect - f!Shepard/Kaidan Alenko). Heading up the Citadel during the ME1 endgame.

"Right Here, Right Now" (Mass Effect - f!Shepard/Kaidan Alenko). An ME1 epilogue / pre-ME2 sort of fic.

"While the Night is Still Young" (Mass Effect - f!Shepard/Kaidan Alenko). Shepard/Kaidan en route to Ilos.

Apparently I had approximately a million little Mass Effect shortfic ideas I never finished and in some cases never started. Apparently they're all for the first game. (I think there was a Thane idea or two for ME2 that I just never started on at all. RIP.)

"To Absent Friends" (Tiger and Bunny). Sad, sad futurefic of an elderly Pao-Lin reflecting on the deaths of all the other heroes over the years.

#100daysofwriting #works in progress #stuff I want to write #writing #fanfic #southern gothic urban fantasy procedural romance

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