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daddyslilchickenfingers2 · 17 hours

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KINKTOBER (reuploaded)

Pegging (Matt)

Request: none but yall begged for me to bring it back lmao

Warnings: pegging obviously, sub!matt, best friends, bi reader, fingering(male), dual pleasure strap on, use of vibrator, slight edging, use of matty, mommy kink, whiny!matt, 0.2 seconds of matt sucking the strap, i think that’s all, lmk if i missed anything!

A/N: sorry this is a few days late, i’ve been super busy. tomorrow will be posted on time

Y/n’s pov

I was in the kitchen working on my MacBook when my best friend Matt came in and sat across from me. “Hey Matt.” I greeted him without looking up from my computer screen. “Um hi Y/n/n. Can I uh ask you like a really weird and personal question?” he asked. I was a bit confused but nonetheless nodded in agreement, “Sure I guess…” I said while clicking save and closed my laptop to give him my full attention. “I uh- I can’t ask you here, can we go to my room?” he stated nervously, only adding to my confusion.

We got into his room and Matt closed the door behind him, “So you know how you’re bi?” “Oh really, I am? I had no idea!” I replied sarcastically. “Not funny, but like you’re bi, obviously. I um, uh I-I know you have a strap-on…” he stuttered and trailed off. “If your question is why do I have it, I’m going to hit you for being dumb.” I joked, making Matt squirm uncomfortably, “Have you ever, you know, used it on a guy before?” he inquired nervously. “No… Why do you want to know about my sex life you weirdo?” I was suddenly getting a bit flustered because how the hell does Matt know I have a strap-on in the first place and why is he asking me about what I do with it?

“I- uh- I really like y-you and I have um- a fantasy involving you a-and I really want you to do it. Please don’t get mad.” he stated in a rushed tone, stuttering over a few words. I was beyond confused and a bit shocked, “That’s not how I expected this conversation to go. Um, okay, wow- what’s um… what’s this fantasy?” I asked curiously. Matt started to nervously pick at his nails and chew on his lip, avoiding eye contact with me as his cheeks turned pink. “Would you please dom me?” he asked, “And peg me…” he added, saying it so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

“What!? Matt are you sure? It’s probably gonna hurt, I’ve-I’ve never done that before. I’ve only ever used it to fuck a girls pussy.” I replied flustered and just as nervous as Matt. He finally looked at me with pleading eyes, “Please? I have lube and I’ve fingered myself before. I’ll be a good boy and listen, I promise!” he begged me. Looking at his face, I reluctantly agreed “I uh- okay, we can try it. I’m just scared I’m going to hurt you.” I told him softly. “You won’t hurt me, it’ll just be uncomfortable at first. I really want this, I’ve thought about it since we were 17. Can we do it tonight? Chris and Nick are going over to a friend’s house.” Matt said quickly, clearly excited that I agreed.

“Sure I guess, but I’m gonna want foreplay beforehand. And I’m probably gonna want to kiss you, like a lot.” I laughed as Matt’s cheeks turned a deep shade of pink again. He started looking down again nervously “Can I kiss you right now?” he asked softly, instead of answering I just tilted his head up and captured his lips in a short but sweet kiss. “Mhm, thank you.” he blurted out after, as I got up and made my way to the door. I sent him a wink before going to my own room where I pulled out my strap-on, which happened to be one for dual pleasure, meaning there was a vibrating dildo that went into me as well.

Even though it had already been cleaned after the last time I used it, I decided to clean it again anyway. I also decided I needed to ask Matt another question so I texted him to come to my room. I laid out a few sets of lingerie, that basically cover nothing, on my bed, but I wanted Matt to pick one anyway. “Um what did you need my help with?” he asked as he stepped into my room, closing the door. “I want you to pick which one you want me to wear tonight.” I said while pulling him over to my bed to look at what I had picked out. I stopped when I noticed Matt kept trying to cover his crotch with his hands, instantly knowing he was hard. “Are you hard right now Matty?” I teased, causing him to blush deeply.

“Only a little bit. I didn’t touch myself, I promise! I-I do have a vibrator in m-my ass though but it’s not on. I just wanted to edge myself so I could cum more later, ‘m sorry I didn’t a-ask.” he stuttered out, extremely flustered. “Do you have the remote?” I questioned as he was eyeing this one black set, which was mostly just straps. “Yes, and I want this one it’s really sexy.” he blurted out before blushing heavily. The one he picked out was a black leather bra and panties set with a grater belt, the bra was basically just an outline of one as it had nothing covering my tits. It did hold my them up nicely though, just like the panties, which were crotchless, and the garter made my ass look good.

“Can I have control of the vibrator until tonight? You think you can handle that without cumming?” I inquired, wanting to know how far I could take things with him. Matt dug into his pocket before pulling out the remote and handed it to me with an embarrassed smile. “I think I can as long as it’s not on 24/7.” he told me as he grabbed my hand and started nervously playing with the few rings I had on my fingers. “Can I ask you a serious question?” I asked Matt, resulting in him nodding. “I’m not judging you, I just want to know, but you don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfortable. Why do you want to be pegged so badly and like having things up your ass? I don’t care if you are, but are you like gay or bi?” I questioned, causing him to drop my hand.

Matt’s face turned a bright red and he had to clear his throat a couple of times before speaking. “N-No, I’m not gay or bi, I don’t find men attractive. I was just young and experimenting one day and figured out how to stimulate my prostate. I wanna get pegged because I’ve seen it on pornhub and it looks really hot.” he said softly. “Plus you’re someone I trust and if I’m being honest, you’re really attractive and you domming me would be the hottest fucking thing in the world to me.” he added, blushing heavily. “Noted. Thanks Matty, that’s all I needed.” I smiled at him before Nick conveniently called for him. This was the perfect time to start teasing him with the vibrator.

After putting the other two lingerie sets away, I walked out to the kitchen, pretending to go back to working on my laptop. I watched as Matt sat down next to Nick on the couch, pulling the small remote out of my pocket I pressed the + button, turning it on to 1, making Matt’s breath hitch a little. He looked up at me with pleading eyes to stop as he was talking to Nick but I turned it up again to 3, making him squirm a bit. “Matt, are you okay? You look uncomfortable and you’re not paying attention.” Nick asked, genuinely concerned.

Matt’s pov

I regret giving Y/n the remote to the vibrator now because I didn’t think she’d turn it on when I was talking to my fucking brother. I was fine when it was on level 1 but when she turned it up to 3 my brain went a bit foggy, I zoned out a little bit until Nick put his hand on my shoulder. “Matt, are you okay? You look uncomfortable and you’re not paying attention.” he asked, I quickly came up with an excuse. “Yeah I’m fine, my head just hurts a bit.” I lied, looking at Y/n and silently asking her to turn it off, which luckily for me, she did. After talking to Nick, I walked over to her, “Please don’t turn it on when I’m talking to my brother!” I pleaded, but that just made her turn it up to 5 while smirking.

“But doesn’t it feel good Matty?” she asked, I let out a whimper and nodded before walking back to the living room. This went on for the next two hours or so until Nick and Chris left, my boxers were soaked with precum and my dick was so hard. I was laying on my bed and I swear I almost came in my pants when Y/n walked in. She was wearing the lingerie set I picked out along with the strap-on, which was black and matched the set perfectly. The strap-on was definitely smaller than my dick, maybe 5 or 6 inches max, but that was good because I don’t think I could take one that’s upwards of 7 inches.

I started squirming as Y/n stood above me, looking down at me and telling me to get undressed. She already had me take the vibrator out like 15 minutes ago, not that it really mattered. “You’re already being such a good boy for me Matty.” she praised, making me whine a bit as her eyes raked over my body. “I’m ready for you to dom me.” I confessed, causing her to stop staring at my body and smile at me. “Where’s your lube at?” she asked me but I just got it for her instead, “Thank you handsome, can you lay on the bed for me?” she asked sweetly, knowing I was a bit nervous to get pegged and have sex with her in general.

Y/n’s pov

I know Matt said he wanted me to dom him, but I could visibly tell he was anxious and nervous so I was trying to be as gentle as I could with him. “Matty, if it’s too much or it hurts too bad let me know and we’ll stop and cuddle okay?” I said while moving some hair out of his eyes. “I promise I’ll say something.” he replied, “What do you wanna start with first babe?” I asked him, wanting to do things his way. “I want to makeout with you.” he giggled, I hovered over Matt and we started kissing slowly at first, then we started full-on making out. I was sucking on Matt’s tongue and he was letting out the prettiest whiny moans as I ran my hands up and down his sides.

Experimentally, I started ghosting my hands across his nipples, loving the whimper it pulled from him. I pulled back for just a second, “Does that feel good baby?” I questioned while rubbing my thumbs over his nipples before rolling them between my thumb and index finger. “Yeah but please more!” he whined, not making too much sense, “Please what baby? What do you want me to do?” I asked as I kissed all over his chest. “Want you to just peg me already. I’m ready mommy.” Matt squirmed. His eyes opened widely when he realized what he just said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mea-“ he started before I cut him off with a kiss.

“Don’t be impatient baby, mommy will fuck you when she’s ready.” I said sternly as I moved towards his aching cock. I discreetly turned my vibrator onto 2, not high enough to make me cum but just enough to get me more wet. His cock was already covered and dripping with precum, “This really gets you worked up, doesn’t it?” I teased as I grabbed the lube. I squeezed some onto my fingers and circled his puckered hole before slowly slipping one in. “Two fingers please, I can take it.” he whined, I added a second finger and Matt was right, he could indeed take it.

I started scissoring his hole opened before adding some more lube and a third finger causing Matt to whimper. “Too much?” I asked, not wanting to hurt him, “N-No just so full.” he panted out in response. I fingered Matt for a few more minutes until he grabbed my wrist and stopped me. “I-I think I’m ready mommy.” he said, looking up at me with those innocent blue eyes. “Are you sure?” I asked as I pulled my fingers out, wiping the rest of the lube off on my thigh. “Really sure, can- can I get it wet with my mouth and control your vibrator, please?” Matt asked nervously.

I handed him the remote and stood up, Matt quickly turned my toy up to 5 which caused me to squirm before he got on his knees. “You look good on your knees baby.” I complimented, making him blush heavily. “How do I um you know, suck dick?” Matt asked, his last two words barely above a whisper. “Well I’m not going to feel anything so you can just do whatever.” I explained, Matt nodded and started to suck on it lightly for a minute as I looked down at him.

He whined and stopped sucking, “I can’t wait, just use lube because I need it now!” he complained, desperately trying not to touch himself. “Okay, get back on the bed for me then.” I said while stroking the side of his face. Once Matt got back on the bed, I put some lube around his hole and onto the strap. “It might hurt baby, so tell me if you need to stop.” “Okay Y/n, please I need you so bad!” he whined. I placed the tip at Matt’s entrance and slowly pushed it in about half way.

Matt let out a choked sob as his hands tightly clenched the sheets and his face held a look of discomfort. “It’s okay Matty, you’re okay.” I soothed him, “P-Put the rest in.” he whimpered. I pushed in the rest of the way before stilling my movements again, not wanting to go too fast. Matt being the sneaky little shit he is, decided to turn my vibrator up to 7, I let out a loud moan as he did so. “Please move.” he groaned quietly, I started pumping at a slow pace as he started to groan a bit.

Even though I was feeling so much pleasure from the vibrator and I wanted nothing more than to start pounding into Matt, I stopped myself because I didn’t want to hurt him. “F-Faster mommy!” he loudly whined, I sped up my movements just a little bit, loving Matt’s whimpers and moans, “Feel good baby?” I panted out. “More! Need more!” he cried out, grabbing onto my shoulders, “Want me to go faster or harder?” I asked, wanting to clarify what he wanted.

“Both, please! Feels so goo—“ he cut himself off with an extremely loud moan as I started fucking into him rougher. “RIGHT THERE! FUCK MOMMY, D-DO THAT AGAIN!” he begged, bending his knees and putting his feet flat on the bed to arch his back more. Even with all the pleasure Matt was experiencing, he was still thinking about me, he turned up my vibrator to 10 which caused me to also join in on his loud moaning.

“Right here Matty? Is that where it feels good?” I asked breathlessly, “Yes! Yes! Please touch my cock, please! Please!” he needily moaned. I started rubbing his cock in rhythm with my thrust as we were both getting closer to the edge. “A-Are you close mommy?” “Very close baby, I just want you to cum first.” I told Matt, speeding up all my movements. “Choke me! Choke me tightly so I can please cum!” he whimpered.

I used my left hand to choke him and a couple seconds later, Matt was painting both our stomachs white with copious amounts of cum, cause me to cum as well and pulled out a him. “M-Matt, vibrator!” I cried for him to turn it off as I was getting overstimulated, “Sorry, sorry.” he apologized out of breath and turned it off my vibrator as I collapsed next to him on my back as we caught our breath.

I took off the strap and I was honestly just going to put it on the floor because I was too tired to clean it right now but Matt took it from me. He licked all my cum off the vibrating side before he put it on the floor and scooped his cum off of me. Matt stuck his fingers in his mouth to taste himself and moaned when I moved to lick the rest of his cum off his body. “You were such a good boy Matty, you did so well.” I praised him as I kissed his neck, sucking a minimal amount of hickies into the skin.

“Thank you Y/n/n, felt so good.” Matt blushed as I stood up to go take another shower “C’mon let’s go get cleaned up real quick.” I said while helping Matt up. I grabbed my clothes and strap-on as well as a pair of socks, boxers and a tshirt for Matt before we went to my room to take a quick shower. When we got out and got dressed we looked at the time to see Nick and Chris would be home soon. As to not be sus, we sat in the living to watch a movie and Matt was now extra clingy.

I’m not complaining, I think it’s cute, I enjoyed it. Matt had his head on my shoulder and I had an arm wrapped around his shoulders. I was playing with his hair when Nick and Chris walked back in and thankfully neither of them said anything. They probably just chalked it up to Matt feeling anxious about something and I comforted him. Both boys simply just plopped down on the couch to watch the movie with us until we all called it a night, Matt ended up sleeping in my room.

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azzibuckets · 15 hours

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Paper Rings [Paige Bueckers | Part 9]

paige bueckers x fem!reader

summary: you and paige start to heal

word count: 1.5k

masterlist w/ all parts

It was 2 AM when you finally returned to the hotel room. You’d hung out with some of the girls until they announced that Paige was coming, and then you’d mumbled something about needing to finish up some work and went to a coffee shop. Once the baristas started giving you strange looks, you went to a nearby bar, nursing a Sprite and your feelings in the corner of the room.

You were wasting away time, hoping Paige would be sound asleep by the time you returned to the hotel room. You couldn’t force yourself to face her. It would be easier just to ignore everything and creep into the room in the wee hours of morning.

Except when you tiptoed into the room, Paige was sitting on the bed. There was a low murmur from the NBA game playing on the TV, and she was faced towards it, but the distant look in her eyes told you that she wasn’t paying any attention to it at all.

You swallowed, letting the door close. Paige lurched up and when her eyes fell on you, it was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. “Where were you?” She scrambled off the bed, but didn’t make a move towards me. “I thought something happened.”

“I was just out,” you mumbled, tossing your purse on the counter and slumping on the armchair.

“You can’t just do that.” Paige’s chest heaved. She was close now, and you coud see the dark circles rimming her eyes. Her hair was in a messy ponytail but she looked as beautiful as ever. “You can’t just disappear and not tell anyone. I was calling the rest of the girls but no one was responding because they’re all asleep, and I was getting freaked out.”

A wave of guilt washed over you. To be honest, you hadn’t thought that Paige had cared enough to wonder about your whereabouts. But she’d stayed up, when she was usually in bed by 10, and she’d been worrying her mind over you.

“Are you okay?” Paige asked, shifting from one foot to the other.

You didn’t answer, resting your head on one of the pillows on the couch. “Listen, I know we agreed earlier to sleep on the bed, but if you’re still upset then I can take the ground. It’s really not a big deal,” she stammered out in a rush, looking down at her feet.

At this point, you were exhausted. The overwhelming noise of the bar had given you a pounding headache, and all you wanted to do was sleep. You stood up, slightly swaying, and Paige reached to steady you, but she stopped herself, drawing her hands back to her chest.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you finally responded. “It doesn’t matter, Paige. I’m really tired. Let’s just go to sleep, okay?”

She nodded, following you with careful eyes as you made your way to the bed. She turned off the lights and gingerly sat on the edge. “You sure?” she asked one more time.

You closed your eyes, slowly breathing out. “Paige.”

“Okay, okay.” She pulled the covers over her body and you both laid there, staring at the ceiling.

For what seemed like hours, you stayed like that, not even bothering to close your eyes. Despite your exhaustion, you couldn’t seem to fall asleep, and neither could Paige.

“Y/N?” She whispered. You clamped your mouth shut, wondering what she would say if she thought you were asleep. “I’m sorry, but I can’t be this close to you and can’t not explain myself. If you’re asleep then whatever, I guess this is practice, but if you’re awake, you don’t have to say anything if I can keep going but…” she trailed off, seeming to be gathering her thoughts.

“I know there’s no excuse for the way I treated you. The things I said. Every day I wake up and regret everything that happened.” She audibly swallowed. “But I need you to know that I didn’t say those things because I didn’t want you. Because fuck, I did. I do. I was just so scared. And I was a pussy, so instead of being mature and dealing it with it head on, I ran away.”

You didn’t know what to say yet, but you shifted your head against the pillow so Paige would know that you were listening.

“I didn’t think I was good enough for you. You were my best friend. You told me everything you wanted, how you wanted to settle down with someone nice and have kids and everything. And knowing who I was, how many other girls I’ve accidentally hurted, I didn’t trust myself to not hurt you too.” Her breaths were shaky now, and you could tell that she was doing that thing where she was trying not to cry. Your heart ached, and it took everything in you not to reach over and touch her.

“I woke up the next morning, and I felt like such a horrible person. That I’d taken advantage of you.” She was crying now, sobs racking her body. She sounded so wrecked, so hurt that when you closed your eyes, tears slipped down your cheeks too.

“I don’t even know how those words came out of me. None of it was true. I hope you know that. And I know I hurt you really bad. But I swear on my life that’s something I’ll try to never do again, if you’ll take me back.” You felt the bed shift as Paige wiped her eyes with her arm. “And I totally get it if you want nothing to do with me ever again. But I’m fucking selfish, and I want to be around you.”

You gasped, tears flowing freely now. The hole in your heart was widening, threatening to eat you alive. Every fiber of your being was screaming at you, telling you to roll around and assure her that everything would be okay.

“This past year has been hell. I miss getting ice cream with you and I miss seeing you at my basketball games and I miss seeing you hang out with Drew and being so good to him. I miss the way you laugh and the way you look in my clothes. I miss you.”

You sat upright. Paige sat up too, surprise in her eyes. The moonlight filtering in through the window was bright enough for you to just make out her features - the wrinkle in her forehead from the downturn of her eyebrows, the redness of her eyes and her lashes coated with wetness, the fullness of her lips, the slant of her jaw. How did she still manage to look so beautiful like this?

“Y/N?” she said softly.

Leaning forward, you pressed your lips against hers. She gasped, before she laced her fingers through your hair, pulling you closer. You were on top of her now, straddling her lap, your legs wrapped around her waist.

After a few moments, she pushed you away. Her eyes were half lidden. “Wait,” she panted. “I don’t want to-,”

“You don’t want to what? Kiss me?” You said, peppering kisses down her jawline.

“Y/N, no. God,” she said. “I want to, you know I do. But I don’t want this to end up with just sex and have it complicate things even further.”

You stopped kissing her, instead leaning your head into her neck, breathing in her familiar scent that you had missed all too much. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay?” Paige leaned down, bringing you with her. You were lying half on top of her, and you were so comfortable that you didn’t want to move, but you didn’t want to suffocate her. “If I’m getting heavy, let me know and-”

“No, fuck. This is perfect,” she interrupted, reassuring you.

You tilted your head up to look at her, and her eyes softened. You realized that you’d started crying again when she brought her thumb up to wipe at the tears on your cheeks.

You buried your head back in the crook of her neck, allowing yourself to release all your worries and soak in her presence. She ran her fingers through your hair, massaging your scalp in the same way she’s done so many times before. “You’re okay,” she murmured, soothing you to sleep.

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armored-angel4798 · 1 day

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Eddie was excited. It’s hard not to be when you get to hang out with your best friend who you hadn’t seen for TWO WEEKS. Steve had been clocking a lot of overtime at his new vet tech job. While he loves that Steve is doing something he enjoys now, he misses his beautiful face. Robin was coming much later in the day because unfortunately, she still had to work. Eddie was so excited to get some alone time with Steve. He could hear the stereo playing from the front door. Not really Eddie’s music, but if it makes Steve smile he’ll listen to anything. The scene Eddie was met with when he walked into the house turned his brain into mush.

Steve was dancing through the kitchen in his briefs that left NOTHING to the imagination and using a spatula as a microphone. Eggs were frying on the stove, almost seeming forgotten as Separate Ways played. Eddie officially loves Journey, in fact, he needs to go buy their tapes right now. He’s frozen. Looking away from Steve being happy and free (read: in tight little briefs) is the most monumental task he has ever attempted. He failed. Much like his first two attempts at senior year. He was debating on clearing his throat to let Steve know he was there when he pointed the spatula right at him. Steve froze. Eddie, still frozen, gulped and kept staring. Really, what else was he supposed to do? He has been in love with his best friend for the better part of a year and he walks in on this? His brain is gone. It has leaked out of his ears and been replaced with his dick. His dick that had very much chubbed up without his say so.

“Eddie!” Steve sounds shocked.

It broke Eddie out of his brainmushdickhardfrozen state, and he panicked.

“I’ll go, um, I should leave, yeah. I’ll leave and you can call me, uh, when you’re decent. NOT that you aren’t decent. You’re the most decent man I know and I really respect you so much. So I gotta go.”

“Eddie! Eddie! Wait don’t go.”

“You’re…. IT’S really fine, Steve. I can come back later I’m sorry to interrupt your morning.”

Eddie convinced his cinder block feet to turn so he could walk away. A hand wrapped around Eddie’s wrist before he could take a step.

“Eddie, please stay. I’ll.. I’ll put on some clothes and we can hang. I just didn’t realize you’d be up so early.”

“I would rather you didn’t put on clothes.”

Steve’s eyes widened and Eddie slapped a hand over his mouth.

“Oh, really?” Steve asked.

“Oh my god!” Eddie shrieked not hearing Steve’s seductive tone. “I can’t believe I said that out loud! I’m so sorry Steve, I will go. I’ll just go. I don’t need to be here today. I’m just making a fool of myself. I’m…”

Eddie was shut up by a pair of lips pressing to his. Operation brainmushdickhard was back in full swing as he was pressed against a wall.

“Shut up, Eddie.” Steve whispered when he pulled away.

“You, uh, you are really good at making me.”

“I gotta get my eggs, but then we can discuss further what our plans are for the day.”

Eddie has died. This is the only explanation. He’s dead and this is his heaven. The only thing that would make this better is if Ozzy Osbourne burst through the door asking him to join his band. He stared at the door waiting for it to happen. Then he realized looking at the door was making him miss Steve’s ass jiggling. Can’t have that. Steve was turning back towards him. Plate of eggs abandoned on the counter, pan in the sink. Eddie imagines that this is what it feels like to be a prey animal stalked by a lion. Steve kissed him again and Eddie was helpless, his knees weak as Steve ran his hand down Eddie’s torso. Steve nipped at his ear and Eddie /whined/.

“What do you say we see what we can do about this, hmm?” Steve whispered in his ear as he palmed Eddie through his jeans.

“Is this real?” He asked

“If you want it to be.”

“I want it. I want you so bad.”

“You have me, baby.”

Eddie melted. When Robin got to Steve’s house they were clothed on the couch (thank God). Eddie was practically in Steve’s lap.

“Oh, you finally got your shit together.” She said when she saw them, “also, I’m not staying over if you didn’t change your sheets.”

Eddie blushed and Steve laughed opening his other side for Robin to join them.

#steddie #eddie munson #steve harrington #eddie is a disaster #Steve just wanted to dance and have some eggs #or did he?#what if it was planned?

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love-kurdt · 3 days

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Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 25

word count: 447

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

August 2, 1989

Dear Will,

We spent all weekend together, and it’s only been like an hour since I last saw you, but I miss you so much. I’ve never felt so much love for a person before. It’s like when you drop a coin off of a skyscraper and the further it falls the more momentum it gains and then it can kill someone if they’re hit by it. I fell so hard for you that I don’t know what to do with myself.

When you’re not around I’m really fucking sad. Like depression nap sad. Like lying in bed with no motivation to do anything sad. Like counting down the days hours minutes and seconds until I can see you next sad. Like crying in the shower sad. Like playing your mixtape to feel closer to you sad. Like praying every guy with a bowlcut I pass in public is you sad. Like dreaming about you and forgetting that it isn’t real sad.

And I’m highly aware that this is unhealthy as fuck. But I can’t stop thinking about you. You come up in my head all the time because everything reminds me of you in some way. Or maybe my brain alters it so you fit into any box I put you in. I’m not sure.

But what I am sure of is that I’m in love with you and that makes me so happy and simultaneously so sad because nothing will happen beyond our friendship. But the heart wants what it wants, and my heart is ripping itself in half. Because I love you. I want to be in a relationship with you. I want to go out in public with you. I want to hold your beautiful hands so fucking badly, every chance I get. I want all my stories to be about you, forever. I want to kiss you. I want to marry you. I want to travel with you. I want to have sex with you. I want to adopt kids with you. I want to count down to our deaths with you.

It fucking kills me to not be able to love you the way I want to. If by some miracle I build up the courage to confess, I need us to work out because if we don’t, I will fall apart. So pray that either someone steals my heart or your mind is miraculously changed. Until then, you’re it for me. If I’m not it for you, I hope you at least tell me, so I can figure out where the hell the rest of my life is supposed to go, if anywhere at all.

Love,

Mike

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(fun fact i wrote this letter to someone irl but never sent it, and figured i’d just edit it to fit the context of timt. i’m so mike wheeler coded it’s crazy)

#byler #byler fanfic #byler fic #byler tumblr #mike wheeler #will byers #will x mike #mike x will #stranger things #stranger things fic

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peapod20001 · 1 year

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aaa

#random post #vent #hep me #I’m!! *shaking* losing it rn I’m going crazy insane in the membrane panic!#but it’s all happening in my brain. and I. cannae think my thoughts are not working I need. assistance #but I don’t even know how someone else could help cus I feel like I’d bite if someone came near me rn I am just. it’s not the day man #I had an essay due Thursday night. it’s Sunday night #I still haven’t done it #I don’t know what happened I can’t really get myself to do anything #even drawing was so hard. like I had to be sleep deprived to even do THAT #there’s so many small stresses but their adding up man my brain and body can’t keep up #I don’t know why I’m like this and I’m trying things to fix myself but I canntttt ushghgshiihghgggugugu #I just want to be able to function man juuhhhuihhhhhgggg #anyways back to. back to the grind ig

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seventh-district · 16 days

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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

#hsr #honkai star rail #hsr 2.2 #hsr spoilers #hsr leaks #the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am #i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before #but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one #so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days #it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me #but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and #gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it #and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story #not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know #but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game #anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream #pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we #i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing #Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it #and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet #also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good #Seven.txt #viddy game stuff

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songtwo · 2 months

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idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..

#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today….#and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop #but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him #and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him #and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself #and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week #it’s been like 5 times since december #but 3 have been on the past month alone #and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident #and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved #and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening #and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again #by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive #and like. idk what to do #i really don’t want to be w someone like this #and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this #but i also can’t abandon him #like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone #but like i don’t want to live like this #maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out #but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg #i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either #and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk #i just don’t know what to do #i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:(#and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week…..#but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 2 months

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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afieldinengland · 5 months

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there’s a lot of things i miss that i’ve never actually had

#small example so we don’t get too maudlin: sometimes i miss being romantically compared to dorian #or— well. being thin and young and beautiful enough to come anywhere near fitting that moniker too #(don’t). but did that really ever happen? in reality have i ever had the chance to do anything like that?#can’t miss what you never had. there’s a hedonist in me and he’s been starving for twenty years #i’m glad that there’s no real risk of me ever getting kissed again i’m far more trouble than it’s worth #the minute i’m taken out of myself through this wire-mother cage i’ve fashioned i’m fucked #but i never have been. not really. i have real trouble identifying the last time i genuinely had fun #i miss being kissed. i miss the bronze age. i miss the grapes i’ve never really crushed against my palate #twenty now and i know it’s absurd to feel old. i haven’t wasted my chance you could argue #but where’s lord henry coming dancing from? <- you see this is absurd. i’m a deep cynic in a coat i pose a foxier threat than dorian ever #did. he likes to think. if nobody minds the sheer inconvenience of leading me on do they mind kissing me. or hitting me hard in the head ti #i bleed. just for the record #and key point— dorian was beautiful. well dorian was a muse #what’s happening here? well i’d like to be loved. sorry. still #maybe i’ve never been a dorian. something wronger #all romance i’ve had in my real life has been terrible and i’ve been hurt. can you forgive me for that #<- this is him at his least maudlin

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the-casbah-way · 7 months

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i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)

#i keep waking up really late on days where i don’t have class and i don’t know why #i suppose it’s because i’m debilitatingly depressed and the idea of being awake genuinely makes me want to vomit #i’m used to getting up at 7am for work and i never struggled with it but right now i just can’t do anything #and then i get more depressed and stressed and angry at myself because i’m not getting work done #i’m behind on all my deadlines and i’m trying so hard but nothing is happening because i’m too sad to function #i get this soul eating guilt and self hatred when i cancel on my friends #because i’m just the person who never follows through i always cancel and disappoint people and no one is surprised anymore #and i know i’ll be able to go to class tomorrow but i’m going to have to cancel on my friends for after that class too #because i’m too depressed to be around anyone i just want to be on my own and feel worse #i wish i could talk to someone about how bad i feel all the time but i’ve got a lifetime’s worth of feelings pent up and it’s too much #idk what to do with myself

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fleshdyke · 11 months

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shsjeiegjshebr

#man. getting upset about stupid shit. again #yesterday we had an assembly at school for the end of the year awards and whatever #and the only friend i had in the class i was in when we went down left early to go find the rest of our friends #so i went down and found a spot and i already sort of knew this would happen #but i got there pretty early and i watched my whole friend group come in. and they didn’t even look for me #it’s like they didn’t even notice i wasn’t there. and they just walked over and sat down on the other side of the room #and i guess they were all having fun sitting next to each other. i was sitting alone having to listen to some seniors saying really awful #things behind me. idk #they didn’t text me and ask where i was or say anything about it afterwards #like they just completely didn’t notice i wasn’t there #and if they did they don’t care enough to ask where i was #and i’m making them seem a lot worse than they are but like. MAN that hurt #like all i want is a friend. that’s it man. that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i just want someone i can rely on to sit with me at an assembly #i’m not suicidal i really do want to live but. god i just want to know what would happen #i don’t want to kill myself bc i think they’d be better off without me i want to kill myself because i want to know how they would react #i want them to know how much stupid shit like that affects me man. yk. and i know how callous that is and i hate it but god i think about it #so so so much. like #they’ve gotten a whole new friend group and tell me that we’re still really good friends but man you can’t fucking lie to me like that #like you can’t tell me that we’re as close as we used to be because we’re not. i know they don’t like me anymore and it’s fine becuase i get #it i wouldn’t like me either i have to spend all day every day with myself #but like. all i’ve ever wanted is a friend #and i want to just break and start yelling at them for this because i feel so fucking alone but it’s not their fault and that would only #drive them away more #like i feel like the only thing that would bring them closer to me would be to try and kill myself but i don’t want to do that yk #not actually at least. i’ll daydream about it 24/7 though. i’ll think of that as the better timeline #and i don’t want to bring this up to them bc i already have once before and they pretty much told me its not their problem #and again i’m making them seem so much worse than they actually are but this is just how my brain interprets this #and i kind of want to attempt but not die but like my mom’s best friend died this morning and i can’t fucking do that to her #like more than anytjing else i just want a friend. i don’t blame them but like. is that so much to ask #vent

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arthur-r · 1 year

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i went to sleep an hour ago but i can’t actually fall asleep for some terrible mixture of anxiety and caffeine and being scheduled wrong from all of the winter break sleeping incorrectly compared to school. anyway i have a stomachache (anxiety variety) scary high heart rate (anxiety variety? caffeine variety? just my heart being stupid as usual? probably all of the above) and also terrified of living with my dad for the next week. and i was drinking a caffeinated beverage past 5 pm today because. i was really stupid and let that happen without thinking about it. so there are so many things getting in between me and a good nights sleep to get to school in the morning. doesn’t help that i’m stressed about school itself too or that my irl friends are constantly hanging out like literally all of them i try not to be offended if like tara and elanor hang out together without me cause everybody is allowed to have smaller on their own engagements but it’s like literally every friend i have!! like i have maybe fifteen friends total in my school and there was like ten of them were all ice skating together on new years and went to a play together and did all of these things that i wish i were invited for. and so i’m stressed about a lot of things at once and it’s no good

#anyway in other news i’m making a bigger endeavor drawing than i’ve done in a long time and it’s not very well shaped but im really proud of #the details and like the way that im doing it even if it doesn’t look good altogether im proud of the textures and everything #i haven’t done anything that wasn’t just a sketch in a long time so i never just work on textures and im proud of myself so far #however it was supposed to be a four part thing that im supposed to finish in four days. while also doing homework. so #i don’t think it’s going to be possible to do all that with such a detail oriented approach shdhdf #i’ll try my best though!! and if i’m late i’m late. nobody really expects anything out of me in an art front which is pretty nice i guess #but it’s mostly because i’m not very good and don’t practice enough. shdhdhdf #but like i said i am actually proud of this picture!! i’m just scared that it’s secretly terrible. classic way to feel really #but anyway i hyperfocused on that for two hours which is like. haven’t done that since like before school started #and so now i’m in a really weird headspace. and yeah. waking up in seven hours #this is so stupid i really wish i could just be asleep right now regular but it’s not happening #and i have a terrible stomachache that i don’t think is going to go away until it’s my mom’s turn to raise us again #and like. i don’t even like getting parented by my mom!! she’s made me cry multiple times per day all week actually!!#but at least i don’t think she’s going to get drunk and throw things or hurt my little sister or break something important to me #and that’s kind of what i’m constantly living in fear of currently. my dad is physically scarier and more dangerous. so i’m anxious. a lot #anyway i keep having nightmares and i hate it i wish anything would just go right for once. i should probably try to sleep again it’s just #it’s not working and i just wish i could fix it but i can’t. i really would like a hug and to be somewhere else #anyway i’m going to try again i guess probably. but i’m just so frustrated and i wish anything could be different offline #like i’m so lucky to have the friends i do in wext and my mutuals here but. if i can’t see you in real life my life is still kind of #objectively bad. like i cant really figure anything out that i have going for me irl. band?? i don’t even know. so yeah. it’s just not great #and i would like to feel better but i don’t. sorry for venting. goodnight!!#me. my post. mine.#vent cw #abuse cw #alcohol cw #ask to tag!!#delete later

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peapod20001 · 1 year

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LMAO QUICK. WIPE YOUR TEARS BEFORE SOMEONE SEEEESSS YOUUU

#vent #:) !! dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I am in my feelings and I am feeling so many feelings like my heart being torn from my chest and pounded into the floor #and a rage so sickening that I can only get rid of by mutilating someone’s flesh with my teeth and nails #fuck fuck fuck man fucking shit everytime I start to open myself up to someone and share what’s at the core of my being #I let my guard down and shit happens!! why can’t I be normal!! why do I get so attached!!! so fucking needy!!!!!! why do I CARE so deeply #when I’m so easy to be ignored? honestly what am I doing here!! I’m forgettable!!! honestly!!#why talk to me??? what am I contributing AT ALL to the conversation?? I’m not interesting. I have no ideas. YOU have a hard time under me?#how do you think *I* feel?? do you think I know who I am?? what I believe?? what I desire??#why even BOTHER wanting for anything!! I dream of the absolute bare minimum life for myself!! I want to not die and live with my friend!!#maybe even MULTIPLE friends if I’m so lucky!!! do you know how much I’ve thought about it? how stupid of a fucking dream really truly #what are the chances of that coming true? who would want to spend more than a few hours. with me?#and so what?? if I can’t even achieve the bare fucking minimum dream ever then??? what’s the point??? what am I then??? if you think I have #ANY skills. you are mistaken!! I don’t know how to do anything!!! except cry over no response to my messages for TWO FUCKING WEEKS #I’m fine and cool. absolutely fucking DANDY #I’m totally not insecure about my place in the world and my place in peoples lives!!! noooooooo #I don’t need the bare minimum level of attention. I made it 13 fucking years having never truly connected to another human being.#I can handle. whatever the fuck this is. haha how pathetic. shitty shitty bang bang #nooo I’m a grizzled fucking soldier I don’t reread positive words directed at me like I have an addiction #I’m not replaying the top happiest moments from my life over and over again trying to ride a high from something that expired LOOONGG ago #I’m not fucking!! crying!! what do I have to cry for?? aww little piss baby DIDNT get a reply :( aww shh shh #your feelings are sooo valid don’t you worry!! it’s not like you’ve gone most of your life with the ability to get things you want!! GASP.NO #you didn’t have to struggle with food or money or housing!! nobody’s even HIT you before!! but even so your cries are valid!!!!#SIKE. NO. IM AT THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM. MY PROBLEMS DONT MATTER #so WHAT if you’re longing?? doesn’t matter how hard you THINK or DREAM or WISH. NO ONE. NOT ONE SINGLE. FUCKING. PERSON #will EVER. see you as more than the fucking checker piece on the chess board!!#you want to be someone’s muse huh? don’t even CARE about their interpretations. or how they see you. all that matters is that in this moment #they’re stuck with you. they’re watching you. for at least a moment you can pretend they are yours.#god.... if only I could get myself to write my actual essays with this much passion haha #haha...a hh h..

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seilon · 10 months

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in the past I’ve always been more or less eager to talk to a therapist after just getting one but this time for whatever reason I just feel a weird sense of dread

#idk why exactly #like I’m really trying to pinpoint what’s bothering me but I can’t at all #I guess part of it is historically I’ve gotten my hopes Too high before and got sorta psychologically torn down when they arent receptive #or just. don’t feel that way for one reason or another #I haven’t had good luck with mental health professionals other than psychiatrists tbh I didn’t really think about it before but I’ve never #had a therapist that’s been affective in any way. one time I had one who made me feel actively worse and one time #had me crying after closing the session. not in a good way #so. I guess maybe that’s something #hard to have faith in anyone at this point #also living with a psychologist who’s verbally/emotionally abused you on and off for years does not help #anyway. I should stop talking #I really don’t know who I’m talking to or why #kibumblabs #edit: maybe part of it is also the lingering thought that no matter what happens a therapist can not help me with my number one issue #which is that I need to get the fuck out of this house #it feels like a waste of time to be trying to fix my mood and behavior and etc when I know the number one way to benefit myself #would be to have my own money and my own apartment #a therapist really can’t do anything about that. no one can except the businesses that keep not hiring me

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byoldervine · 1 month

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Types Of Writer’s Block (And How To Fix Them)

1. High inspiration, low motivation. You have so many ideas to write, but you just don’t have the motivation to actually get them down, and even if you can make yourself start writing it you’ll often find yourself getting distracted or disengaged in favour of imagining everything playing out

Try just bullet pointing the ideas you have instead of writing them properly, especially if you won’t remember it afterwards if you don’t. At least you’ll have the ideas ready to use when you have the motivation later on

2. Low inspiration, high motivation. You’re all prepared, you’re so pumped to write, you open your document aaaaand… three hours later, that cursor is still blinking at the top of a blank page

RIP pantsers but this is where plotting wins out; refer back to your plans and figure out where to go from here. You can also use your bullet points from the last point if this is applicable

3. No inspiration, no motivation. You don’t have any ideas, you don’t feel like writing, all in all everything is just sucky when you think about it

Make a deal with yourself; usually when I’m feeling this way I can tell myself “Okay, just write anyway for ten minutes and after that, if you really want to stop, you can stop” and then once my ten minutes is up I’ve often found my flow. Just remember that, if you still don’t want to keep writing after your ten minutes is up, don’t keep writing anyway and break your deal - it’ll be harder to make deals with yourself in future if your brain knows you don’t honour them

4. Can’t bridge the gap. When you’re stuck on this one sentence/paragraph that you just don’t know how to progress through. Until you figure it out, productivity has slowed to a halt

Mark it up, bullet point what you want to happen here, then move on. A lot of people don’t know how to keep writing after skipping a part because they don’t know exactly what happened to lead up to this moment - but you have a general idea just like you do for everything else you’re writing, and that’s enough. Just keep it generic and know you can go back to edit later, at the same time as when you’re filling in the blank. It’ll give editing you a clear purpose, if nothing else

5. Perfectionism and self-doubt. You don’t think your writing is perfect first time, so you struggle to accept that it’s anything better than a total failure. Whether or not you’re aware of the fact that this is an unrealistic standard makes no difference

Perfection is stagnant. If you write the perfect story, which would require you to turn a good story into something objective rather than subjective, then after that you’d never write again, because nothing will ever meet that standard again. That or you would only ever write the same kind of stories over and over, never growing or developing as a writer. If you’re looking back on your writing and saying “This is so bad, I hate it”, that’s generally a good thing; it means you’ve grown and improved. Maybe your current writing isn’t bad, if just matched your skill level at the time, and since then you’re able to maintain a higher standard since you’ve learned more about your craft as time went on

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