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rose2jam · 3 years

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Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult, an essay by Rose Jam

So, let’s talk about Cults. Disclaimer: This is just information I’ve gathered over the years from my personal fascination with religious cults. I’m in no way an expert or a psychologist or whatever. This is just my personal understanding from the research I’ve done.

A cult is started when a wildly charismatic Leader feels like they have a purpose, a higher calling, or a mission to be fulfilled (or they could also just be an egomaniac). Maybe they really do feel like what makes them special comes directly from a higher power, be that God, or the Heir of Slytherin, but either way, this person has a pathological need to be worshiped, and they need followers in order to do that.

So, how does one obtain Followers easily? By finding the misunderstood misfits of society, and promising them something. The people who feel like no one else understands them, or their ideologies. But this Leader? This Leader GETS IT, MAN! The Leader understands them perfectly, vindicates them, and makes them promises along the way. Like, if they stick with the Leader, then not only will they finally be understood, but they themselves will also be revered. That they will rise above all of the others who have put them down for so long, and will come out on top as a superior being.

Any of this sounding familiar?

Charles Manson preyed on young people in the middle of the hippie movement, mostly women, who were feeling lost, lonely, and in need of guidance, or in terms of the men he recruited, seeking power over others. Not all of these people were poor or helpless; some of them came from middle class, or even rich homes and families. Yes, some of them came from broken homes, but all of them felt “broken” themselves, in some way. So Manson used their desires to have a family to draw them in. He then used LSD and other drugs to keep them under his control, and he created a manipulative environment where the members of his “family” felt they could never leave him, and if they didn’t follow his commands, something horrible would happen to them. I’m not going to go into full detail on the Manson Family Murders, but if you’re personally interested, check out the Podcast “Cults” on Spotify.

So back to basics, this Leader draws in Followers with flowery promises of community, power, family, or whatever. But once the Leader has that following, the terror will begin. Cult Leaders are usually master manipulators, and have completely brainwashed their followers into believing the “us vs them” mentality, that the outside world is evil, that the outside world will only harm them, that the outside world would never understand what they’re doing on the inside. And that the Leader is the only one who knows the truth, so they better stick with him. Or maybe the Leader has gaslit his followers so completely, that they become dependent on him for everything, to the point where they don’t know how they would possibly function without the Leader. Or, the Leader has created an environment that’s so hostile, that Followers are too afraid of what might happen to them if they tried to leave, or didn’t do what the Leader commanded. Typically, it’s a combination of all of the above. Destructive cults will either hurt others outside of their circle (The Manson Family, Sect of Nacozari), harm themselves (Heaven’s Gate, The Ant Hill Kids), or both (The People’s Temple, Aum Sinrikyo).

Now that I’ve laid this foundation, I’m going to tell you why it was practically inevitable that Severus Snape would join a cult.

Snape’s childhood ultimately laid the foundation for the mental state he would be in when he decided to join the Death Eaters. He grew up in an abusive household, where his father, the muggle, had his magical wife so thoroughly whipped, that she couldn’t (or chose not to) use magic to defend herself, or her son (1). Eileen had obviously told Severus about magic, about Hogwarts, about what a wonderful place it was, and what a wonderful gift magic could be. Severus also watched as Tobias beat the magic out of her. (I know it’s debated whether Tobias actually physically abused his family, but he certainly verbally/mentally/emotionally abused them, so the term “beat” could be used figuratively as well). I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that Severus developed an extreme hatred of muggles with “burn the witch” mentalities from a very young age because of this.

Enter Lily, perhaps the only other magical person in his life besides his mother up to this point. He sees her using magic out in the open, perhaps recklessly, for fun, and he sees an opportunity to make a friend (and, admittedly, to be smarter than someone about something for a while). He was so eager to tell her all about magic, because getting to learn magic, and go to Hogwarts, has possibly been the only thing keeping him going in his young life. And now he’s made a friend, a real friend who doesn’t think he’s weird because he’s magical. Unlike Petunia, yet another muggle who makes fun of him for being weird (2). And Lily actually seems to like him back. For a kid who probably hasn’t received a lot of affection in his life, this is monumental. This friendship is everything. Why wouldn’t he love her?

So the time finally comes to go to Hogwarts. Severus gets to escape his abusive household, and finally has an opportunity to embrace magic for the first time in his life. But almost immediately, he’s met with a hic-up. Specifically, James Potter and Sirius Black. So Severus is no longer facing abuse exclusively from muggles who think he’s weird, but now he’s also getting it from other magical people who think he’s weird (3). And this started on the fucking TRAIN before he even GOT to Hogwarts. You can’t tell me that wouldn’t sour a kids dream right off the fucking bat. And then, when he finally gets there, he’s separated from his only friend, by being sorted into different houses (4). What a way for a life-long dream to be thoroughly dashed in less than 24 hours.

Let’s look at Snape’s Hogwarts experience. He’s a good student, and he pours himself into learning as much magic as possible, and at being the best he can possibly be, probably motivated by a desire to be better than what his Father thinks possible. During this time, he is regularly bullied and abused by the Marauders. Sometime before his 5th year, the Incident at the Shrieking Shack took place. It definitely sucks to have been so thoroughly fucking duped, and put into a life-threatening situation involving a goddamn werewolf (5). But perhaps even worse than that, the salt in the wound, was that no one fucking did anything about it (6). He saw Sirius and James and Remus get out of that situation without facing any sort of proper punishment (as in, they all still stayed at the school as opposed to being expelled like they DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN (At least Sirius should have been)). Dumbledore was looking out for the Marauders, but no one was looking out for Severus. On top of that, Severus isn’t allowed to TELL anyone about it, not even Lily. So, he goes through what was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of his life, and he can’t even tell anyone that it happened.

So, what sort of support system does Severus have during all this? He has Lily, sure (who literally told him he should be GRATEFUL to James, one of his abusers). But, what he really has, is Slytherin House (7). I’ll say it plainly: Severus was sorted into a house that was already full of existing cult members. McGonagall says in Sorcerer’s Stone that “Your house will be like your family” (she at least says it in the movies, I’m too lazy to get up and reference my books rn lol). So, Severus’ family, his support system, for 10 months out of every year, is a house that is already full to the brim with pureblood elitists with prejudiced ideals, who would absolutely vindicate Severus in his dislike for muggles. As a kid first getting sorted into the house, it’s obviously not unreasonable to become friends with the people you’re literally living with. His dorm mates became his family. So, when his dorm mates started to become Death Eaters… This is headcanon, I fully admit, but like, fuck, Severus didn’t have a lot of friends, and was probably already drifting apart from Lily. Do you really think he was going to tell the people he had to live with every single day, not to mention the only people that had been supporting him for years, to go fuck themselves for using Dark Magic? Especially when he was probably feeling like he was on the verge of thinking that their rhetoric made some sense?

On to Snape’s Worst Memory (8). At this point, he’s spent 5 years in Slytherin House, with fellow students who casually throw around the M word. He gets attacked by James and Sirius, he’s practically defenseless, and then the girl who he’d considered his closest friend for so long… has to force herself not to smile when he’s thrown upside down and exposed to everyone on the grounds. Sure, she was trying to defend him at first, but she also fucking nearly smiled at his humiliation, his pain, his abuse. So he hurls the one word that he knows is going to cut the deepest, that will hopefully hurt her as badly as she has hurt him. And it works.

Severus had been beaten down his entire life. By Muggles and Magic Folk alike. And finally, he’s betrayed by Lily, his last lifeline to the light. He betrayed her as well, of course. But he did try to show remorse. And she doesn’t forgive him (9), which was her prerogative, of course.

So. Who does he have left?

I’ve placed little (numbers) throughout my writing here. Each of those numbers denote the specific events that led Severus to becoming an angry young man, who hates muggles, hates (some) magic folk, and resulted in him feeling weak, helpless, and desperate. For what? For power, for a family, for a community. For a world where he is no longer the weird one. For a world where he’s respected, strong. For the world he thought he was going to be a part of, when he arrived at Hogwarts in his first year.

And it just so happens that this is the exact world that Voldemort is (allegedly) trying to create.

Severus Snape was angry, and vulnerable, and as such, he was practically the poster child for the type of person who would be susceptible to falling for a cult. Maybe he was recruited by his friends in Slytherin House. Maybe he was recruited directly. Either way, charismatic Tom Riddle came along, understood how he felt, where he was coming from, told him he deserved better, and offered him all of the things he never had in his life. And being at rock bottom, being the lowest of the low, to Severus it must have seemed like a miracle of an opportunity, or perhaps, like the only chance he had left.

Now, let me be extremely clear; everything I’ve written is not trying to EXCUSE Severus Snape for his actions. There is always a point where personal responsibility must come into play. Except for children born into cults or victims of kidnapping, nearly every person who has ever joined a cult has made the personal decision to join it. I’m just trying to express how unbelievably easy it is, for a Cult Leader to find people with damaged lives and low self-worth, to suck them in with promises of a fulfilling life and grandeur, and for those people to be easily swept up and brainwashed into believing that what they are doing is right. (Or that what they are doing is required, because the alternative is more horrifying.)

The type of people who joined the Death Eaters are the same type of people who joined Heaven’s Gate, or The People’s Temple, or yes, The Manson Family. Now, I’m just going to say, from my own personal point of view, I do not vilify anyone who’s ever joined a destructive cult. On the contrary, I feel sorry for them. Because most people who join a cult, don’t necessarily do it signing up for the… end result of what happened to them. Some of them totally do, like Heaven’s Gate. Most of them knew that the end result was going to be the “evacuation of their earthly vessel”. But the people who joined the Manson Family, for instance, did not initially join it KNOWING how it was going to end. They were part of the family long before Manson even came up with Helter Skelter, and by the time the Tate-LaBianca Murders took place, they were already too far gone to go against it.

I highly recommend anyone who’s interested in a humanizing view of former cult members, to read the essay “Leslie Van Houten: A Friendship” by John Waters. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/leslie-van-houten-a-frien_b_246953

Or, at the very least, listen to this 7 minute NPR interview with John Waters about the essay https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111585116

It’s the story of how notorious film maker John Waters, became friends with former Manson Girl, Leslie Van Houten, and about how she broke away from the cult after her conviction, how she’s spent the last 51 years of her life recovering from the psychotic influence of a maniac who’d promised her the world, and how even though she was convicted to life WITH a possibility of parole, it’s never been granted to her, despite the fact that she has done literally everything possible to try and atone for her crimes.

Maybe I’m just a bleeding heart. I’m pretty much the only person I know who feels sorry for Leslie Van Houten and other cult members who were brainwashed, abused, and manipulated into doing a lot of the horrible things they’ve done. But there are people in the world, who have committed FAR more heinous crimes than the Manson Family murders, and who are far less repentant than Leslie, but because those crimes weren’t as notorious, they get to walk free.

Addendum: When I first posted this, I had a few people point out to me that they had always associated Voldemort and the Death Eaters with Hitler and Nazi Germany. This is a perfectly fair point, but one that I personally don’t jive with, and the reason is simply the numbers. There were literally millions of people in the Nazi party during WW2. Death Eaters don’t even reach triple digits, as far as I’m aware. As I hinted at in this essay, I consider Voldemort and the Death Eaters to be MUCH closer to Charles Manson and the Manson Family. The Manson Family 100% had Nazi ideology, of course. "Helter Skelter” was Charles Manson’s prediction that there was going to be a massive race war; one that the Whites were going to lose, and that he and his Pure White family would emerge from it in order to rule over the remaining Blacks. Kinda... sounds like a Death Eater thing, huh?

Sorry. Back to Snape. There is a lot we don’t know about Severus’ actual time as a Death Eater. I think it can be reasonably assumed he’s never actually killed anyone before Dumbledore (In Prince’s Tale, Severus questions if his soul would be safe from killing Dumbledore, and Dumbledore implies that his soul would not be damaged by helping an old man avoid pain and humiliation. This leads me to believe that Severus never committed any soul-damaging murders before this). Beyond being a sneaky spy and delivering the prophecy to Voldemort, his time as a Death Eater is all up for conjecture.

Severus does make one important deviation from the typical cult member mold, however. In the end, he manages to break away from the cult. The scales fall from his eyes. In a figurative sense, the LSD has worn off. What made him sober up, was the threat to his last lifeline to the light. The one good fucking thing he’d ever had in his miserable life. He was brought back by genuine love. Ya know, the ENTIRE MESSAGE OF THE HP SERIES. And not only did he leave the cult, but he then spent the rest of his life actively attempting to destroy it, and atone for the mistakes he’s made, in an effort to bring back the world he’d been excited for, as an 11-year-old kid, so full of hope.

#Snape Meta #Severus Snape #Pro Snape #Snapedom #Snape Community #This will be the TRUE test of the tags #Essay Jam #Why It Was Practically Inevitable That Severus Snape Would Join A Cult

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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Submission about toxic friend

I’m sorry but I need to vent because noone in my life gives a flying f**k about me. I’m in 8th grade and I’ve had this “friend” since 3rd grade. I believe hes emotionally and verbally abusive…I’m probably overreacting…Today he broke my headphones on purpose, he grabbed them off my head without my consent, every day he steals my lunch and if I fight him with all my strength I’ll get in trouble, he sometimes hits me when I’m talking and calls my only good friend a bitch. (1)

(2) He’s also destructive and has 0 sense of self control, and he tries to ruin me and my only good friend’s friendship. He is ruining my sanity and I’ve fallen in a deep depression, again. I was happy in 5th grade because I wasn’t at his school, I had to go to a different one. I had no friends but I would gladly trade him for that again. Not to mention that he attempted to sexually attack me in 4th grade. I wish I had those friend groups that actually cared about you and your sanity.

(3) But that’ll never happen, not to me, I don’t have one person that gives a sh** about my health. I would give him away for a friend that wanted to talk about his/her day and talk about mine, I really would, but I question if that’s even real. All my abuser says is sex jokes, it’s not funny anymore, it never has been and it gets old. He makes fun of my bisexuality and calls me genetically modified. Heh, and I hear “These are the best years of your life!” Well I must have one shitty adult hood.

(4) And I talk so positive about him, this is the first time I’m opening up and I’m on f****** anon and you have no idea who I am. I feel uncomfortable talking to adults, if I told any teachers I would probably have to some officey-dean stuff and I don’t want to have to talk to a counselor again. I f*****g hate this so much. On top of him, I’m made fun of all the time, and my good friend has no classes with me except for lunch period. I’m f*****g crying because of this shit.

Hello Beautiful,

I’m deeply sorry that you are feeling this way. If I could send you a hug I would! You sound really intellectual and smart. I’m glad you reached out to us and hope that I can help.

When I was in 8th grade I had several bullies and tried my best to search for a open-minded teacher at my school. I kept to large crowds of kids during lunch hour so they wouldn’t bother me and if so there were people who can see what is going on. If the bully approached me I would yell out for help. I eventually made good friend with the school counselor and explained to him everything that happened. He helped me so much, I couldn’t of done it without him.

I recommend you speak to a counselor, teacher, nurse you truly trust at school even though you don’t want to you could consider to ask one you haven’t talked to before. You can only handle so much on your shoulders and you deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. Even someone like a therapist or doctor you can confide in that is outside of school? Just to speak to a professional who can let you talk about your emotions and what happened to you during 4th grade as well about whats been going on in school. Building a support team is necessary and it helps to receive other techniques on how to deal with life. “Asking for help can be difficult and quite scary for a lot of people, remember that the mental health services that exist are there to help you. You are never expected to get better all by yourself, to learn to manage all by yourself, or to simply deal with everything all by yourself. Seeking support in friends and family is a wonderful thing, but professional help can go the extra few miles. Professional help can support you down the road of recovery, teach you techniques to manage your troubles and feelings, and lots more. Professional help can be catered to suit your exact needs, target your troubles in a way that suits you as a person, and help you to get passed it.”- MHA

These are some resources you can use if you need to find extra help:

Back to school/school advice

Getting Help

Bullying

Helplines

Web Counselling Resources

Extra suggestions for you:

Try joining a activity group (sport, drama, music). You will be able to meet new friends and ones who truly care and respect you.

When you feel depressed try writing in a journal, exercise, make art or write a letter to a family member you have been wanting to talk to. Remember to take care of yourself and eat a healthy fresh meal, drink plenty of water and get good rest.

Make sure to meet up with a good and positive friend after school

“Walk away when the bully approaches you. Try and imagine you’re walking away from a stranger. Both you and your body language will show you don’t care

Bullies feel empowered to bully one person, but rarely will they bully a group. Hang out with your friends. If the bully does feel like conquering the group, walk away.

If after using these tactics and the bullying doesn’t stop, it may be time to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to let someone know that you are being bullied. There are people who care about you and wi It may seem scary to tell someone but, telling will not only get you help, it will make you feel less afraid. If you are being physically bullied and are in danger you must speak with a trusted adult immediately. And if you can’t go to your parents, seek out a trusted teacher guidance counselor or school psychologist.

If you’ve told a grown-up before and they haven’t done anything about it, tell someone else. Tell them exactly what happened, who did the bullying, where and when it happened, how long it’s been happening to you, and how it’s making you feel.When you tell your teacher, guidance counselor or school psychologist, ask them what they will do to help stop the bullying. It is their job to help keep you safe. Most adults really care about bullying and will do everything they can to help you. Keep telling until someone does help you! NO MATTER, you deserve to feel safe. Everyone has the right to live in a safe and violence free atmosphere both at home and at school.”- Source

Document everything that has happened to you during school. Make sure you keep notes so if you need to explain to a trusted adult about what has been going on you can show them. Place these notes in a safe place.

If you have social media on (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc.. please block him on there). Make sure to never add this guy to any of your social media profiles.

When this guy tries to steal your lunch, scream out “STOP IT”, “KNOCK IT OFF” . You may get a strange look or a teacher asking why you are screaming , then you can explain. Hopefully they can help you switch to a different lunch hour.

Switch your class schedule if possible with your counselor. Explain you want to be with your friend and that you concentrate better with her around. If your parents need to sign a paper explain to them whats been going on and that you prefer to be with your close friend. Figure out ways to convince them.

“Recite a mantra. A mantra is a word or statement that you can repeat that gives you strength and courage. Reciting a mantra in your head can give you power when you feel weak or frightened. Try repeating “I am fearless. I am strong. I am loved.”-Mrs. Yoga

Please stay safe and try your best to keep away from this guy who treats you in this matter. This is not your fault what so ever. Remember you are loved and cared for! Don’t hesitate to ask for help, even if you need to talk to a police officer. You’re worth the calmness, bliss, friendships you have always wanted.

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”- Sarah Williams

Xx mha-lupita

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvice #bullying #support #you'reworthit #mentalhealthblog #blogadvice #mha-lupita #Anonymous #you'rebeautiful #mentalhealth advice #submission

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4tschan · 7 years

Photo

https://www.gofundme.com/tschanffs

Introduction

Who is Tschan

I am a 24 year old transgender Woman of colour a black woman although my jounerny began at birth chemicaly it has been almost several years now since i began my transition. I am a former model and now activist living in a now more conscious world aware of the narrative which however maybe revolutionary to see with my own eyes within my lifetime as many unfortunately have not, the beneficiaries only seem to lay with my caucasian brothers and sisters.

Growing up transgendered and being emotionally verbally and at times physically abused by those who are meant to love you the most I remember wearing my mother’s oversized jumper and pretending it was a dress using a towel or any cloth I could find to adorn and pretend this was my hair I remember saying aloud to my mother her mother uncle aunt and anyone who would listen that I am a girl and I want all the things that pertain to a young girl that I plan on marrying the only gay character called Tony if i remember correctly Tony from an early 1995 british soap TV show called eastenders because he was the only form to self identification of someone on the spectrum I could point at and say he is sort of like me but actually very very different…

And that being essentially beaten out of me (physically emotionally verbally mentally) and done so, so extensively that I had began to disassociate as a coping mechanism and just continued to disassociate from life as a coping mechanism and forget the very person the very essence of the person I was born to be. When puberty arrived and everyone was changing I didn’t change I grew taller but that was it my development was very late and that I’m now extremely happy about… my voice didn’t break or being to Crack until I was the age or around 17 I had no sexual desire whatsoever my body didn’t even attempt to grow bone or muscle density and I actually grew enlarged areolas / small painful fluctuating cup sizes at the age of 14. And when I took a visit to my doctors because it was so painful and enlarged lumps I thought I had cancer I was just told it was a reaction… which obviously it wasn’t it was hormonal.

At the age of 18 I finally sort refuge and escape from my family and was placed in supported lodgings with supportive gay foster father’s who actually to this day at that particular time were the greatest gifts I could have ever been given as they allowed me to be just that me and I had never had the freedom before and when I told them how I felt they directed me to the routes that allow me to be who I am today. Getting my diagnosis of gender identity disorder at the age of 18 was like having a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders as for the first time I knew exactly who and what I was and that just not being an identity that existed solely in my head because previously it was too dangerous exist but something that was real that was quantifiable and that I could manifest. During my time talking to my psychologist and explaining my journey he brought up multiple flies you see growing up with a psychologically abusive and disassociate mother she took me to a few psychologists to try and have me diagnosed and put on mediations I never even required because she would rather me be anything other than what she feared the most… transgender. When my psychologist brought up my files and asked me date by date what happened when I was assented when my mother flagged me up I told him and he told me yeah there is a letter here written about your mother saying the issue doesn’t lay within Tschan “the issue is based on the mother and her refusal to acknowledge Tschan’s gender”… and that was a HUGE unbelievable mental weight lifted off my shoulders as part of the abuse i suffered and bullying in the home because i was fundamentally wrong and the abuse was and I quote… “deserved”.

I was also very early this year 2017 diagnosed with partial androgen insensitivity by my doctor who ran a lot of tests examinations and blood work as was getting corrective top surgery.

Dysphoria

What is dysphoria

Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. People who have gender dysphoria feel strongly that they are not the gender they physically appear to be. For example, a person who has a penis and all other physical traits of a male might feel instead that he is actually a female.

That person would have an intense desire to have a female body and to be accepted by others as a female. Or, someone with the physical characteristics of a female would feel her true identity is male. Feeling that your body does not reflect your true gender can cause severe distress, anxiety, and depression. “Dysphoria” is a feeling of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and restlessness. With gender dysphoria, the discomfort with your male or female body can be so intense that it can interfere with the way you function in normal life, for instance at school or work or during social activities.

Gender dysphoria used to be called “gender identity disorder.” But the mismatch between body and internal sense of gender is not a mental illness. Instead, what need to be addressed are the stress, anxiety, and depression that go along with it.

What causes those to be transgender

Simple answer… and one that is rarely covered and if so not enough is: Biology, being transgender is biological. It’s based on the developmental stages in the womb and how the body and brain (structural white tissue brain matter and chemical composition) are chemically via hormones treated and allowed to develop.

A 2008 study compared 112 male-to-female transsexuals (both androphilic and gynephilic), mostly already undergoing hormone treatment, with 258 cisgender male controls. Male-to-female transsexuals were more likely than cisgender males to have a longer version of a receptor gene (longer repetitions of the gene) for the sex hormone androgen or testosterone, which reduced its effectiveness at binding testosterone.The androgen receptor (NR3C4) is activated by the binding of testosterone or dihydrotestosterone, where it plays a critical role in the forming of primary and secondary male sex characteristics.

The research suggests reduced androgen and androgen signaling contributes to the female gender identity of male-to-female transsexuals. The authors say that a decrease in testosterone levels in the brain during development might prevent complete masculinization of the brain in male-to-female transsexuals and thereby cause a more feminized brain and a female gender identity.

Dysphoria is something I suffer greatly from and can be quite an extreme example as I just do not have not and will never feel comfortable within my own skin tge only way to describe it is like having body dysphoria but solely based on gender and isn’t treatable in any form other than surgery and is something you have suffered from childhood that became progressive as a teen due to no early intervention and will never go away if not corrected. And the thing i hate the most about my body and the only thing I at this point NEED to change is my face… I HATE MY face and it’s controlling how I perceive and what myself to be perceived in a fundamental critical way.

The surgery I require is Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS)

What is Facial Feminization Surgery

Facial feminization surgery (FFS) is a set of reconstructive surgical procedures that alter typically male facial features to bring them closer in shape and size to typical female facial features.

FFS can include various bony and soft tissue procedures such as brow lift, rhinoplasty, cheek implantation, and lip augmentation. Faces contain secondary sex characteristics that make male and female faces readily distinguishable, including the shape of the forehead, nose, lips, cheeks, chin, and jawline; the features in the upper third of the face seem to be the most important, but subtle changes in the lips can have a strong effect.

Facial Feminization Surgery will not only reduce amd remove the male pysical characteristics but also drastically improve the quality of my life i could easily get a job anywhere and not have to worry about the whole trans thing being a deterant to employers or it being an issue… I will nolonger suffer from the lifelong prison that is dysphoria superficially I’ll always be the prettiest bitch in the room (side eye) but most importantly I never have to disclose the situation or explain myself but only when and if I feel like it…

Although I am not ashamed of my past or what I am it would be nice to have the luxury to not be visible and navagate the world that isn’t always inclusive.

This is my final gender confirmation surgery.

I can actually move on and live my life fully

The surgeries FFS encompasses which i require:

Hairline Advancement Surgery:

This surgery is performed to lower the hairline, reduce the height of the forehead and correct the normal male temple recession to give a more rounded female hairline.

Forehead Reduction (Brow Bone Contouring Surgery):

Forehead/ brow ridge bone contouring is one of the most common facial feminization procedures which can be performed as standalone procedure or combined with another FFS procedures if needed.

Feminizing rhinoplasty:

Feminizing rhinoplasty surgery creates dramatic improvements towards a feminized appearance.

Cheek Implant Surgery Cheek Enhancement:

The cheek is important for feminization. Cheek enhancement is typically a procedure that can be performed either with fat grafting or with a customized cheek implant.

Chin Surgery (Shaping, Chin Contouring Surgery):

Chin reduction and contouring surgery results in a more oval, elegant, softer, and smaller chin. Jaw Contouring Surgery: This surgery helps soften the jawline tremendously. This procedure alone can transform a person’s face into a more feminine one.

Thyroid Cartilage Reduction: Adam’s Apple Reduction:

A trachea shave (thyroid cartilage reduction) is one of the most common surgical procedures performed on transsexuals. Reducing the cartilage in the throat to make the shape more feminine.

The surgeon i have choosen:

Dr. Harrison Lee

Post life

I just want to end this chapter and actually move on with my life and catch up on all the development years I’ve missed out on simply due to being consumed by my journey not only mentally emotionally financially and physically but also being a victim of circumstance (e.g.; abandonment and rejection, an abusive family, kicked out of education, homelessness, unemployment due to discrimination, being drugged and raped for 15 hours then being diagnosed with HIV because of that rape, harassment from the police and them sabotaging key DNA evidence with refusal to acknowledge a hate crime, the police dropping my case and my rapist continuing stalking me forcing me to move countries due to safety…) on a continuum being transgender woman of colour.

I want to go back to school, I want to work, I want to travel, I want to fall in love. I want to learn how to drive, I just want to be happy secure and most importantly just comfortable within my own body and I don’t want my physical attributes my medial past or what i am any longer deter from that.

Please help me,

Tschan :) X

https://www.gofundme.com/tschanffs

#tschan #ffs

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bepresent10 · 7 years

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Everything began with Eckhart

As mentioned at the end of the previous post Eckhart led me back to my original and primary calling which is the solid nurturing ground for each secondary, temporary or partial goal I can ever set for myself. My calling (as the calling of everybody and everything in existence) is just to be freely and fully what I am – and express it towards others.

To be the “I am” and know that this is an eternal experience of continuous expansion.

When I say Eckhart I am not referring to his person but to the universal teaching he is allowing to flow through him, giving a form to it. This is the teaching everybody has access to without his or anybody else’s books simply through the pure experience of the ultimate truth of who or what we are. The circumstance that obscures this innate access in each individual is the way of sleepwalking through life completely lost in judgments and interpretations, conditioned and encouraged by society especially in the West, entirely cut off from the pure sensation of being and living in a body.

Can you stop interpreting and evaluating for even just a moment just to purely live what is right now?

If you can, you will know and experience that sensing - each sensation regardless of the content and of the possible concepts the mind could wrap around it - is a sensation (it is sensational!) indeed in the sense that it is a messenger of the miracle that life is.

So Eckhart got me back on track since this track was familiar to me.

I always knew that there were traces of connection to the divine or let’s just say to an extended dimension of human experience in me – I knew it from early childhood on without a doubt. Given my Christian-Catholic upbringing I was trying to recollect these traces carefully putting them together like the yellow stones for my path by studying the Bible and works of theologues, priests and vicars and mainly through listening to my dad speaking words of amazing insight and wisdom.

The secondary school - Dóra

Connection with God – or with my higher Self or ultimate nature – became from an interest to a need in the years of the secondary school. For years I was captured in a relationship of emotional dependency to a friend of mine who after a while started reacting to my actions and vibrations - unsaid but sensible claiming of attention - with open and sometimes abusive rejection. Since I regarded her judgement of me as the most important measure of my self-worth at those times, I went through phases of intense grief and suffering sinking into the feeling (illusion) of being unloved, ununderstood and only worth to be pushed away, globally. I was blind to all love streaming towards me from all directions: from other people and from all phenomena of the world. Instead I was craving the evidence I regarded at the time as the only relevant, the only valid proof of my “loveableness”: her love and her appreciation for me. In other words – as I realized later but still during the period we were classmates and shared a dormitory along with six other girls: I was in love with her. And it had nothing to do with sexuality related to visual or physically based attraction. It confused me for quite a while though since I experienced intense bodily sensations interacting with her mainly verbally, even in her physical absence while conversing in online chat or through text messages.

With time I just figured how I function and discovered the direct link between the awareness of an overwhelming emotional bond, physical sensations and sensuality.

There was a very special, deep understanding between us – we knew we are exceptional for each other and could not explain why. There was this quality of exclusiveness in our private communion; we created a closed inner circle of two and felt like we are speaking a secret language no one can decode – by using common Hungarian words. We were thriving in the intimacy of our secret society separate from everybody else, diving really deep, discussing topics like God, Church, literature, artistic performances, music, group dynamics in our class - hours long in the middle of the night. We were perfectly tuned into each other instinctively knowing one another’s thoughts and feelings.

What scared her away from me initially I think was the parallel she drew between our relation and the one she experienced before me with her kind of “ex-boyfriend” as she was 13. She saw our relationship as reminiscent of her former one in respect to the high grade of mutual admiration and attachment. I think none of us could really make sense at the time of this overpowering emotional intensity constantly vibrating between us. Especially not in the context of us being of the same sex and both knowing ourselves as hetero-sexuals.

It made me doubt and re-evaluate my overall sexual identity and through years I came to the conclusion that conventional sexual labels do not define my identity since I am predominantly emotional. My sexuality and sensuality are subordinated to my emotionality. The urge to express the deep bond I feel by touching and being physically close to somebody is directly proportional to the level of intimacy in the communion with this person.

Nevertheless after Dóra only men came who triggered these feelings for long term in me. Besides there is an additional quality to the energetic exchange between representatives of the two sexual polarities. I guess, when it comes to physical interaction I still prefer men, although it is hard to tell without any experience of the sort with women – so far I just never felt the inclination to gather such, because I did not get involved in intimate communion of the kind with women in the post-Dóra period.

All in all between the age of 15 and 19 I had lots of things to sort out. I felt guilty and hurt most of the time. Guilty of my physical sensations I – considering social standards – adjudicated as inappropriate. Guilty of my surfacing clinginess and neediness fuelled by the abandonment by the one I loved the most.

I started to question my sexuality as the first boyfriend came into my life (I was 16 and half) and I recognized that he evoked the same sensations in me Dóra did (so I concluded in retrospect that I was in love with her too). The difference was that in the relationship with him I got conscious of the female aspect of my personality. I enjoyed it immensely as more light fell on my neglected female qualities (both physical and emotional) in our contrast.

After he left me the grief after him replaced the grief after Dóra. As a consequence Dóra and I made peace and our friendship began to recover. I felt I have to share with her my perception of having been in love with her for a certain period. We discussed it one night in the bathroom of the student home and it was one of the most purifying and relieving conversations I have ever had. She listened sincerely with full attention and answered honestly. The circumstance helped that we were approximately on level in self-awareness. After years of doubt and self-condemnation the first time I felt completely OK. Completely embraced, understood and accepted. I was forgiven since I realized that the only one judging me was neither Dóra, nor God nor anybody else, but only I myself. Dóra is one of those very special friends of mine who can just hold with a caring detachement whatever I am and how ever I feel, without being worried about me and trying to fix me. Because she sees pass my temporary shortcomings, she sees my completeness, my ultimate perfection. In other words she relies on her spiritual sight.

In our personal history though it came to a heavy conflict again towards the end of the 4th year. I cannot recall poignant details I just remember that she started acting in a way I was convinced was not authentic of her and did not reflect her true personality. She engaged in superficial friendships with people I knew she did not have much in common with and went out drinking frequently. Just because I did not (and still do not) have any natural affinity to alcohol especially not for the purpose of socializing I was disappointed by her behaviour and could not accept and respect that her individual path contains elements leading to other places than mine. I felt personally betrayed by her choices. We left high school being estranged from each other and did not get in touch for years.

Throughout secondary school mostly related to Dóra but also to my professional development I was confronted with all sorts of inner conflicts and dilemmas. My sense of self-worth was shaken I thought by external circumstances, by the lack of personal or professional approval of others. I loved the community of the class and of the whole school but I still had the feeling that I do not fit in. I was incapable of showing interest for anything or anybody I did not feel genuine interest for – I was incapable of putting on a mask trying to blend just to be accepted in a wider range. I was hoping to get a better understanding of human existence by reading philosophical novels, the Bible, psychological books, and works of a famous Hungarian vicar, who was a pastoral-psychologist himself. Through these reads I found a connection to the divine indeed and was led back to the state of peace and clarity. I kept a prayer diary where I was addressing God every day with my questions and expressed my gratitude for everything that happened to me, regardless what it was.

Even in the midst of swirling confusion I always knew one thing: happiness does not depend on any external factor. Happiness is the only and ultimate reality which only gets obscured by layers of fear-based thoughts. We have to recognize joy, happiness, unlimited freedom, expansion and love as our essential being and then we have a choice how to project it outwards. Then our actions will result effortlessly from being. We have to realize that we are the source of everything we want to see, feel and experience in the manifested world - and so everything happening to us is a mere reflection of our inner focus.

I always knew it and every true teaching I encountered just echoed and amplified this original knowing. I just did not know how to put it in practice, how to live and create from this place of self-realization.

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ibloggingkits-blog · 7 years

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New Post has been published on Blogging kits

New Post has been published on https://bloggingkits.org/how-youth-pressure-can-knock-two-decades-off-your-life/

How Youth Pressure Can Knock two decades Off Your life

There is a scene in James Redford’s new film, Resilience, wherein a pediatrician cites a parental misdeed so superseded as to seem weird. “Mother and father used to smoke within the automobile with children inside the again and the windows rolled up,” she says, incredulous. How long in the past those days now appear; how wise today’s Parents are to the dangers of those toxins. Yet every week in her health facility within the Bayview-Hunters Factor region of San Francisco, children present with symptoms of a brand new pollutant – one that is simply as unfavorable. However, not like the smoke-stuffed car, this new pollutant is invisible, curling undetected around children’s lives and inflicting lasting harm to their lungs, their hearts, their immune systems.

“Strain,” Redford says. “It’s far a neurotoxin like lead or mercury poisoning.” He mentions the metropolis of Flint in Michigan, where residents had been uncovered to guide in consuming water. “And that’s actually what’s occurring” with youngsters who’re “coming from truly disturbing environments. We know what environmental pollution are. Nicely, this is an environmental toxin.” The proliferation of so-referred to as “poisonous Strain” among youngsters, Redford says, “is a public health crisis”.

He had just finished working on a movie about dyslexia when he and his film accomplice, Karen Pritzker, have been casting round for their subsequent story. Pritzker got here upon the 1998 research with the aid of Vincent Felitti and Robert Anda into adverse Early life reports (ACEs). “She stated, ‘Study this.’”

The ACE survey asks humans to reply to questions on Youth: did they witness substance abuse? Did their Mother and father divorce or separate? Did each person within the domestic have an intellectual illness? Was a member of the family imprisoned? the ones finishing the questionnaire who rack up three or greater (out of a possible 10) chance severe unwell health. In step with Redford’s film, three ACEs manner you are twice as probable to broaden heart sickness as individuals who score zero. Four manners you are 3 instances as in all likelihood to have melancholy. Six reduces your Life expectancy by means of 20 years. “I notion this is absolutely unknown,” Redford says. “This must be advised.”

The concept that exposure to hard reviews in Formative years may cause health problems is an acquainted idea. A child might self-soothe with drugs or meals, come to be structured or overweight, and in flip have ill health. But the ACE research uncovers a one-of-a-kind kind of connection – a response to Pressure that is organic rather than purely behavioral, which can motive severe contamination, and is a stronger predictor of coronary heart sickness than excessive blood stress, excessive LDL cholesterol, and even smoke.

The film is a touch mild at the technology, so I’m hoping that Redford can explain.

“Reflect consideration on a baby who comes home and opens their front door and there’s a endure inside the room,” he says. “And the bear roars.” The kid’s adrenal glands begin to secrete cortisol. Blood pressure rises. Scholars dilate. Blood shoots from the belly to the bigger muscle tissue. “that is an organic reaction to worry. Now imagine that child comes home each day.” But when she opens the door, what she reveals inside the dwelling room isn’t a endure.

“It’s a mentally unwell relative or a verbally abusive father or emotionally abusive Mother and father or an unstable scenario or no food otherwise you don’t realize where your Dad and mom are. Your body will keep having that biological reaction if you are in Stress. But day after day, those chemicals – the adrenaline, cortisol, the system of excessive sugar, that complete response, adjustments the way your mind methods records. It affects the development of the organs of a cell degree. This persistent exposure to Strain wears the frame down, makes the immune machine now not work as Nicely, makes you extra liable to the cardiovascular ailment, cancers, and different immune issues later in Existence.”

This isn’t always what Formative years is meant to be like. “you’re honestly now not intended to be exposed to those hormones [at that level] on an each day basis,” he says.

Did Redford check his personal ACE score whilst he started out searching for the situation? There’s a nervous snigger; he’s speaking on the phone from New york, although he lives in Fairfax, Marin County, together with his wife, Kyle, an educator and writer. They have a son, 25, and a daughter who is in university. “Relying on how I analyzed it, my score Was among a and a 3.”

“It does, doesn’t it? Because it’s greater subtle than we’re used to. If you have zero ACEs on your Existence, you’re very … fortunate. You’re in the minority.”

ACEs are experienced across the social and financial spectrum. For one phase of Resilience, Redford filmed at a convention of social employees, researchers, and educators, and 34% of the target market, which Was basically center class and educated, pronounced Four or extra ACEs.

Of direction, we do now not Yet recognize what activities in the domestic might also represent destiny ACEs. Perhaps in the future questionnaires will ask, “Did your caregivers paintings greater than 50 hours every week? Did they repeatedly observe their smartphones while you had been trying to speak to them?”

“That would without problems be an ACE right there,” Redford shoots again. “Absolutely. It changes the way we relate to others.”

In Resilience, phrases evoking negative Youth stories are summoned graphically on display. “Substance abuse … Bodily abuse … Divorce.” It’s far unexpected to look divorce grouped into that same class of experience. So even Nicely-treated, peaceful divorce is an adverse revel in? “It’s miles,” says Redford, whose Mother and father – the actor Robert Redford and Lola Van Wagenen – divorced while he Becomes 23.

It Became Redford’s experiences as a grownup, in preference to as a child, he says, that made him connect with the research when Pritzker confirmed it to him. He was born seven weeks upfront, had unwell fitness as a toddler, and Become sooner or later identified with ulcerative colitis. On the age of 30, he required a liver transplant; the first failed, and there was a demanding three-month watch for a 2nd. His “brush with demise”, he says.

“You have to be tested to make sure you may withstand the process, which you don’t produce other issues that might get in the way. They [the doctors] spend a lot of time asking approximately your own family, your relationships … I was newly married and very close and already had a son On the time.” He requested the surgeon, why all the questions? “And the health care professional said, ‘Well, we simply discover that transplant is one of this hard ordeal, if we transplant patients that don’t have any own family aid, they don’t live on almost as Properly.’ That truly stuck with me – that the psychological and emotional framework to your Life can make you more likely or less in all likelihood to do Properly in surgical treatment?” He frames his end as a query and the way he lifts his voice makes me assume he has been asking it for a totally long time.

Someway that verbal exchange slipped from his reminiscence – But when he began to Read about ACE, there it Changed into again. “Without delay, it clicked with me.”

Perhaps survival Changed into Redford’s own evidence of resilience. Without a doubt, the word is important to him. And even as it recalls the tons-vaunted paintings on “grit” of the psychologist and writer Angela Duckworth, the techniques couldn’t be extra special.

“The message culturally is ‘recover from it’,” Redford says. “If you have it difficult, so did everybody else. There’s nothing special about you. Dollar up and get on with it. in case you’re struggling and you have troubles with addiction, otherwise, you’re having depression or tension, you ought to be weak. That’s a very negative message. The purpose we called this film Resilience is to cognizance on what genuine resilience is. Which for most people is something we need to broaden.”

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domestic-abuser73-blog · 7 years

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A domestic abusers road to recovery

Let me start by saying I am new to blogging and may ramble .. This blog is about my journey of self discovery. Letting other men like me who also wish to seek help know they are not alone and hopefully help them seek the resources to better themselves as well.. I will start with a little back story about me and how I got where I am..

I am a 40s male clean cut and a business owner. I look much younger then my age. I dress well .. I spoil women I am in relationships with and shower them with expensive gifts.. I help them financially and use that as yet another means of control.. I don’t use drugs or even drink regularly. So there is no substance abuse crutch to be used here .. I am an asshole plain and simple.. This blog is to put in words my road to recovery .. I am in the process of making the changes in my life that will allow me to look myself in the mirror and once again like what i see.. I am hoping I can someday be happy with the man in the mirror..

My childhood was traumatic .. I have no doubt the way I behave in relationships was formed watching my father.. My father was a raging alcoholic who used fists to discipline. He beat my mother more then once in front of my brothers and myself. My father was also a successful business man who knew people .. On the rare occasions the police were called nothing was done.. When my mother finally got the nerve to leave him after 18 years he cut us off financially. Back then the child support enforcement was a joke so while he drove new Corvettes we had oatmeal for dinner because it was all we had left in the cupboards.. If it wasn’t for my grand parents who were emotionally abusive alcoholics who never missed the opportunity to tell us they hated us and were only helping for our mothers sake we would have starved and went naked.. The two years we were forced to live with them while my mother got back on her feet were some of the worst years of my life..

My first marriage started well.. It was over a year before we had our first fight.. As the years passed and stresses mounted things got worse and I slowly morphed into a watered down version of my father.. After our cherry was popped and the first argument was under our belts they became progressively worse .. Children were born.. Finacial stresses. Infidelity on both sides.. A trial separation.. Reconciliation.. A daughter born .. Increased stress and after 13 yrs things completely imploded.. She was supposed to be at work .. She was hours late getting home.. I called looking for her and was told she wasn’t on the schedule that day.. Not answering her phone .. Me home with the kids .. When she got home the argument started slow.. It wasn’t until my son had her phone is his hand screaming at her because she had been messaging his peewee football coach about having sex that things got brutal .. I called her a whore ..She pushed me up against the wall screaming at me about how I had failed her..I slapped her in the face hard .. Once again my cherry was broke .. I was arrested I didn’t lie about what I did and when I realized I was being arrested i told the cop she was in my face pushing me trying to justify my behavior to him.. They don’t care she could have hit me with a bat .. I a 240lb man she was a 140lb female.. As I was sitting in the back of the squad waiting to be driven away .. My children watching and crying there was no shame I found myself wishing i had taken her head off instead of slapping her .. Divorce followed soon after with me having custody of my sons who wanted nothing to do with her and her having custody of my daughter who I knew I wasn’t equipped emotionally to raise properly..

The years that followed were spent bouncing from one meaningless relationship to another never getting close to anyone.. I emotionally abused all of these women because I hated them.. In my mind they were all whores and shady and I never trusted any of them farther then I could throw them .. I used money and gifts to control them and get my needs fulfilled .. During this time I reconciled with my first love who was also very emotionally damaged from her first two marriages .. I would have been better off to steer clear of her entirely .. She was as abusive as I was in all forms .. She punched me in the face on more then one occasion in the heat of an argument and threatened to do the same to herself if I didn’t do as she wished.. The years with her are now a blur. Not a lot of happy memories .. On again off again finally ending when she was helped to move 1000 miles away.. Our relationship was text book abusive on both sides in every way..

Fast forward a year of mostly being alone and trying to get my head straight and by an act of kindness completely unlike myself I meet and extraordinary woman.. She is motivated smart beautiful and single.. I did things differently .. I got to know her before even thinking of being sexual with her … We would talk for hours on end about our lives journeys .. We were in many ways quite alike.. And in others polar opposites .. The attraction was overwhelming on both sides and soon fell into a serious relationship.. Slowly old habits returned .. I would accuse her of being unfaithful constantly .. All my baggage I thought I was free of was coming back to the surface.. I started fights and arguments about everything .. I was doing my best to sabotage everything we had built together.. We would often argue about my work habits cultivated while single of working until a job was done and ignoring time.. We would argue about her children who were introverted and foreign to what I was used to.. Working over night was a fairly common thing in the beginning .. I got away from it and then as demand increased I was forced into working those hours again.. She coped with it until I ended up in the hospital for exhaustion .. That was what finally finished us off .. She was unwilling to stand by and watch me work myself to death and our last fight was born..

My job was the basis for the fight that ended our engagement .. In the past I would say or do whatever I had to to calm her down and get her back within the fold.. I can be very manipulative.. a quality that has served me well in the past.. I know what to say and what to do to generate the desired reaction.. This time I did none of that.. My things were placed on the porch of our home in boxes and I didn’t even have the balls to retrieve them myself. The sense of shame which i finally let set in was excruciating.. In the past I would place the blame on her .. If she hadn’t of yelled in my face and pushed me I wouldn’t of pushed back.. I am twice her size and I can man handle her like a rag doll.. What kind of animal try’s to justify behavior like that? A man like me that’s who..She deserves much better then the likes of me. I have verbally and emotionally abused her the entire duration of our relationship.. On the rare occasions when she would reach her breaking point and scream in my face I would throw her on the bed and hold her down and scream back. I am a piece of shit. I am the embodiment of the abusive male. I make no excuses to anyone. I have serious emotional issues . I decided it was time. It’s hard to put into words the shame I feel for what she has been subjected to. It’s devastating when someone is no longer in your life who was your everything. She was my best friend .. My lover.. My partner … When things between us were good they were out of this world. This is a journey I have to make for myself. It is way past time..

My fiancé is in fact the perfect woman.. She is smart beautiful and successful. Compassionate and kind qualities I have taken advantage of more then once to gain forgiveness.. She has a bit of a temper herself which only complicates our relationship at times. We have a strange connection where we can sense the other and what they are feeling finish each other’s sentences and always know what the other has on their mind. Which makes my behavior even more awful.

There are not many resources for a man like me seeking help out in the middle of the cornfields. Societies preferred means of dealing with men like me is to demonize and punish.. If I was an addict I would generate sympathy.. Seeking help and going into different places asking if they treat my problem is often met with a smug receptionist looking at you like you are shit on her shoes. Often followed by a snide ask your probation officer comment.. I don’t have one.. Thanks for your time this obviously isn’t the place..

After talking to a Psychiatrist I have spoken with at times in the past whose cure is to drug me with anti anxiety meds that make me a zombie who is barely able to function ..I tried a counselor .. The one I chose first was completely out of her depth. After several sessions with her and another explosive argument with my fiancé I realized she was seeing me to collect money and argue politics and I was wasting my time with her.. I have since found a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating men like myself. He isn’t well advertised and very little information is available without going in and talking to him. I am confident with his approach and what we have discussed that he is the right choice. He is genuinely excited to help me has a positive attitude and is very optimistic he can give me the tools I need to evolve into a better man. That is where I am now .. The sessions with my psychologist are in there intimacy but as I Identify behaviors and how to correct them I post my experiences here hopefully to help others

You know your a piece of shit when your finances white trash cousins drug dealer boyfriend confronts you at a Caseys.. I would rather a man such as him not even know my name .. Not only does he know my name he judges me.. Really some food for thought.. I might have just hit a new personal low.. All I have is wow ..

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