#I am so scared to publish this but fuck it its done

[yannig]

So. I've finished binge-watching Pit Babe.

and I have opinions. (yes I am aware it came out like a year ago. who cares) so, with very little order :

Tony died!! Yeah!! ngl, at one point I hoped Babe's father would come in to kill him, but Kenta doing it is even more satisfying so i'm happy with it. also those knife sounds were great. 10/10 no notes.

Babe's father was very obvious as Babe's father the second we met him. it's not necessarily a problem, i just found it funny that they were trying to create a mystery around him.

i didn't know it was an omegaverse when i began watching the show, but it was a pretty sanitized omegaverse, all things considered. no mentions of heat/rut, knotting, mate, pack, mating bite, bond, nesting. the mpreg was only implied. the word omega was uttered exactly once. beyond Tony wanting only alpha kids (with no explanation of what an alpha is), the plot to get a child from Babe, and Babe's fixation on his partner's smell (and most likely, Babe and Charlie's fixation on each other's neck), i often forgot it was an omegaverse. i understand not wanting to scare newbies, omegaverse can be wild, but i was surprised with how little we got of the common tropes. its not a flaw, i was just surprised.

Sonic needs to tell North he loves him. the guy is clearly ready to die for you. just because he's too stupid to realize he's in love with you doesn't mean he isn't.

also this two idiots were still in the building!! i thought they got the USB and then got out to publish the videos! but no! these two idiots were still in the building! thank fuck Kim was close by!!! (he was probably there on purpose, yes, but still. they should have gotten out!)

Way stays a walking red flag until his very last breath and I hate that for him. don't get me wrong, I saw his death coming. he was unredeemable, and we don't want the audience to hate him, so of course he was gonna die. i really don't like this trope, I'd rather he left Babe and X-Hunter behind and got a new chance with Pete, who was clearly ready to give him one and also who he hadn't betrayed and hurt in the worst way possible. but no, that's not how the trope works. he dies. because we don't know how to redeem characters without killing them. and to make the matter worst, he dies having one of his most fucked up interactions with Babe yet, and that's saying something considering his track record, confessing his love for the nth time which was understandable but already awkward on its own, and then asking if Babe ever loved him back when he has made very clear several times that he saw Way as his closest friend and nothing else, begging for forgiveness for trying to rape Babe, i swear to god!! the correct thing to say at this point was "i'm sorry i ever hurt you, i hope you get to be happy with Charlie, don't blame yourself for my death". instead, he gave him enough therapy material for the next decade! with one conversation! how the fuck is Babe supposed to grieve Way, or make peace with anything he has done to him, after that kind of last breath!

(seriously, i probably have enough to say about Way to write an entire essay. the man was fucked up)

Kim has now been officially adopted in the family, he's even invited to the funerals! (i am aware he was still Tony's prisoner during Charlie's funeral, i just found it funny.) we did not see enough of Kim after Tony imprisoned him btw. he is one of my favorite characters in this show and he deserved more screen time!

Did Charlie stole a power that just- teleport him to Babe when he's in danger? this is a least the second time he just appeared out of nowhere to save Babe with no explanation, and with a perfect timing at that.

Babe deserved to scream at Charlie for faking his death. Or a least have a breakdown the like of the one he had with his father. The reunion scene was great and emotional and shit, and it was adequate for the context, but i needed them to have a real conversation about it later. will look for fanfics on the matter.

my man Babe is gonna have so many trust issues it's not even funny anymore. like mate. both his fathers betrayed him (and sold him, though for different reasons), his best friend of 10 years betrayed him in one of the worst way possible, one of his other teammates betrayed him, and his boyfriend has been lying to him the entire time the have known each other, to the point of faking his death without telling him he was alive. listen, i was berating him every time he pushed Charlie away at the slightest sign of dishonesty because I don't like that trope, but I think in this case he was justified. it's going to be fun to get him to trust anyone ever again!

also that man can cry! and make me cry with him at that! like, i knew Charlie's death was a fake out, and i knew it was coming, but episode 10 still got me in tears because Babe's grief was fucking real. giving him his senses back just for him to hear his lover flat-line on the operation table was incredibly cruel. also "He's still warm. Maybe he's not dead yet". are you trying to kill me? also also : did he say "i love you" for the first time at Charlie's grave? because i think he did.

overall, pretty good execution of the fake death trope, they gave us time to feel the grief before revealing he was alive, it worked. (did the plot around said fake death make sense? not... quite? but the feels were there and that's what matters)

Jeff is my baby and i love him. he got a lover and a support system and that's great, though they could do with better communication and still have shit to learn about respecting boundaries. which is saying something because Jeff tends to be pretty fucking clear about his boundaries. i'm watching you Alan. also i've decided he's autistic. for obvious reasons.

the whole "papa and mama" thing Babe and Charlie have going on is not my thing, but it is particularly weird in a context where the last two men Babe called "Papa" betrayed him and hurt him terribly. i get that what they have going on is different, like it's not a daddy kink (which would have been even weirder), but it still left a weird taste in my mouth. i just - i don't know what to make of it. i don't think they got the implication of it when making the show?

Babe and Charlie both need therapy to a desperate level, and i do not trust any of them to try to get it on their own. let's hope the rest of the family team manages to get them there. i'm mostly counting on Jeff to start the movement on this one. and then the others can nicely bully them into getting professional help.

#pit babe the series #pit babe spoilers #pit babe charlie #pit babe way #pit babe jeff #pit babe #pit babe babe #pit babe kim #pit babe sonic #pit babe north

[bathroomtrapped]

What are the basic differences between saws original script and the outcome? Why did they not play those scenes?

theres a lot of superficial changes, like their ages and adams last name being denlon. honestly still not sure where faulkner-stanheight got confirmed as his last name!

a lot of the things that were cut had to do with adams character and im not entirely sure why it was cut. his reason for being there was because he was suicidal. jigsaw said something along the lines of "everyday youve wanted to die". he wanted to go to vet school and had an interaction with some cat in his apartment. theres a scene where his mother calls, saying his father isnt mad and that he should call them. he writes on a sticky note "call mom" then adds a "?"

he has an interaction with a shitty neighbor, begs god to become a better person

theres probably a few small details about him im forgetting bc its been a while since ive reread the screenplay but the common theme is that the saw movie cut out a MASSIVE amount of context for adams character.

im not entirely sure why, i think some scenes might have to do with cutting down on time (the cat scene would probably get cut for time before filming once they actually start working on the project) vs something that was cut to make the story tighter and change adams role in the story.

he tells lawrence that basically, be hid the photo because he "didnt know what he would do". aka he was scared that itd motivate lawrence to kill him more. not sure why this is cut because some people clearly did not pick up on that lol

basically everything we know about adam is only known to us because it has something to do with lawrence. we know it because lawrence needs to. its unfortunately bc i like adam enough to want to know more but it serves the story better. hes the audience. we know what we know bc adam knows it or learns it. hes the one behind the camera. hes a voyeur. hes literally nothing. he died forgotten by basically everyone and hes just BARELY there in the narrative bc hes just... nothing.

at the end of the day, he was just a pawn. hes not important to anyone but lawrence because this is his story. this is his test and were just the people chained up and forced to watch it play out. i imagine his backstory and personal information was cut for this reason.

during the editing process, there were scenes cut. i know the trap was supposed to be more elaborate originally. i think the cat scene was cut out to save time and the mom scene/motivation/history was cut to firmly center the narrative on lawrence

one change that fucking BAFFLES me is that at the end during the love scene, adam originally asks lawrence "am i going to be okay?". in the film its "are WE going to be okay?" umm im honestly not quite sure what series of thoughts propelled them to make such a gay film by accident, call the end the LOVE SCENE publicly, and then proceed to be shocked when people call them on it? leigh was shocked to see chainshipping fics back during the ff.net days (fun fact: the first ever chainshipping fanfic was published on ffnet called rebirth. its still up)

my best guess is that leigh wanted to push their "relationship" (whatever they think that is) further for more emotional pay off. most of the changes seem to pull their themes tighter. it ends up working in its favor. adam is lawrences test and his moral core or whatever, so they have a pretty instant connection. it was probably done to make lawrence suffer more! or maybe make it gayer and leigh is just doing a bit

theres also the lampshade song lol. some dumb shit leigh made up and cary refused to do, so they changed it to the weird little piggy thing instead. MINOR minor improvement

certain words were changed because cary just kinda... rolled with it. he adjusted the script a few times bc he rly liked lawrence for some reason. he still does. leigh just accepted it and let him do his thing

amanda was also amanda denlon in the screenplay im pretty sure

tapp was dunked on by john as he assassins creed-ed him in the throat for being a 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! absolutely insane

the way adam finds out lawrence is a doctor is different, he talks about possibly being injected with rohypnol LOL

the heart was actually a clue leading to the word toilet written over his heart, under his shirt. the blood heart wasnt in the script LOL. i imagine cary didnt want to have toilet written on his bare chest for the film? a shame

theres more interactions with tapp, sing, lawrence, and brett (his lawyer) im assuming its what happened before they asked lawrence to sit and watch amandas testimony. they say his fingerprints were found at the scene, not a pen. i think either way its interesting because. wow! lawrences prints are in the system which means he has a record. the implications are kinda funny, it makes how baffled he is that tapp dare accuse him of such a thing! even more ironic. now we know that mark was involved in the police and planted the pen, so he probably just out his prints into the system as well

amanda works at lawrences hospital. not sure why this is cut? possibly bc shawnee was begged to join bc james had a big crush on her and she didnt even want to originally. she might notve wanted to do multiple scenes or something at the time before she decided on returning as amanda (for whatever reason, im not quite sure why she became so attached to the series after not joining as enthusiastically as cary did after watching the 2003 short)

amandas reason is also different. i think jigsaw literally hated depressed ppl so much in the script bc she was there for therapy or something LOL. not drugs. prob just cut to improve it

thats all i got. theres a lot of changes for logics sake related to the trap, wording changes for flow (im assuming), time constraints, and to streamline the themes and center it on lawrence

#soo much in this #getting saw questions is interesting lol #ive been thinking about the nothing-ification of adam for a while now #hes literally a ghost ! always was always will be lol #larry.txt

[irrealisms]

every martyr in this jungle liner notes

fic here if you haven't read it!

okay so this first point is, like, barely a liner note for the fic proper. but did you know i have spent the past several weeks engrossed in the mcyt-trio polls. i have written two fics for it and made a web weave and i'm already planning a third fic for the finale next round as a thank you to the mods. shit's crazy. i rushed the editing timeline on every martyr in this jungle because i wanted to publish it before the time on this poll runs out. vote eclipse federation if you haven't already, with the disclaimer that it's got like 16 hours left as of me writing this, and keep an eye out for a bench trio fic coming soon to a blog and/or ao3 near you

anyway! fic time!

the most-used word in this fic that is not a name (the top three words are of course Vitalasy, Zam, and Subz) is again. this is on purpose. during editing i deleted an instance of "again" due to awkward phrasing and i had to double-check before doing so that it was still winning in Word Frequency or else i would've added it back in somewhere else. they have had this conversation before. maybe not in its details, but in its shape. they are having this conversation again, again, again.

vitalasy has so many issues around zam being afraid of him, even though (a) vitalasy hasn't actually done anything to anyone other than himself*, (b) zam is the one who killed vitalasy. some things i was drawing on for character inspiration here: the song hold no guns by death cab for cutie, the poem ON BEING RAISED ON FAIRY TALES IN WHICH YOU ARE THE MONSTER by a.m.h. *sorry for the planetlord erasure

zam...isn't actually as afraid of vitalasy as vitalasy thinks he is. zam is, like, a normal amount afraid of all social interaction, due to who he is as a person. he is an incredibly scared and jumpy guy, because he has an anxiety disorder, but he isn't actually particularly scared of vitalasy qua vitalasy anymore. vitalasy just...has issues from when he was.

relatedly: if this were from zam's pov, every time there is the slightest pause in the dialogue you'd get his internal monologue, which is approximately "oh God oh fuck this is going so terribly what do i say why am i so bad at talking to Vitalasy what do i do" the entire time. he's trying! and the tension on his end is much less "aaaa Vitalasy who I am scared of is here" and much more "WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THE WRONG THING. WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS. OH NO HE'S EVEN SADDER NOW?????"

it did need to be vitalasy pov, though. as soon as i got the idea i knew it had to be vitalasy pov. i knew it had to be vitalasy pov because the previous one was zam pov and they're mirrors. here they are, at the grave, (again!) but now it's vitalasy standing vigil, and zam awkwardly showing up to put flowers on it.

the way it is still, constantly, about subz. vitalasy gets mad at zam for this, because zam cares so much more about subz than him, but he's just as bad--every two seconds he's thinking about subz's death, subz's note. the grave is the space between them. the grave is the only thing bringing them together. this is a bit of a continuation of the last fic. it is about zam and vitalasy but it is also about the ghost of subz.

the moon-representing-subz has Less of a presence in this one vs the last one, except for at the very end. the moon is rising. subz will be back soon. (well...it rises once zam leaves. this, too, is a metaphor.)

also related to the ghost of subz: i considered bringing up the fact that zam's been [hallucinating? haunted?] seeing subz everywhere. it didn't quite work but it's a fun little detail that is, btw, canon. canon in a "one-off line that was a little bit a joke" way but nonetheless canon enough to make me crazy about it.

the note about zam fidgeting a lot to the point of half-dancing around mapicc and spoke is about his lunar client emotes . and how he does them Even More Than Usual (which is already a lot) when he is around ppl who are also being silly w lunar client emotes <3

the thing where... they know each other. they know each other so well. they are, both of them, trying. this does not fix anything, it just makes it hurt worse.

sort of related to that and sort of related to zam's Fear (in general, of vitalasy) and sort of its own thing, zam is.. mm. zam's got certain expectations of people. and it's easy to assume they're about his [past issues in relationships] or even about [the person he is presently talking to] but they're...not, really. they're not zero about those things but they're not only about those things either. they are in large part about what zam, personally, thinks he deserves (punishment, death, bad things, etc). (occasionally when zam feels better about himself it's about how zam is a Victimhero Martyr and everyone else is a sort of prop in that, which vitalasy also has a huge complex about, but that's less relevant in this fic specifically than the...thinking he deserves for vitalasy to hurt him & on some level he wants vitalasy to hurt him as a weird self-harm-by-proxy thing & therefore vitalasy is probably going to hurt him)

the song the title comes from is Estate Sale Sign by the Mountain Goats. it's one of my #1 eclipse federation songs, tbh it's also one of my #1 s4 zam songs in general--i also am fond of it for team awesome. the title, though--that's all eclipse fed. they are all martyring themselves. they have all either banned themselves off or seriously considered it. they remember loving each other and now they still love each other but they are giving away that love. mm. [i remember when we loved each other day and night//and high above the water/the eagle spots the fish/every martyr in this jungle/is gonna get his wish]....man. also thinking about ["This is a song about, um, you may find it necessary to get rid of all your stuff, at some point."] and vitalasy burning all his stuff before his suicide. that's less relevant to the fic, though.

the series title is really funny to me. credit to angel qfitmc on tumblr for making this joke on hyperbeam chat and me cracking up every time i remember it. the thing is. while vitalasy and zam are being so fucking angsty and miserable about subz's suicide. subz IS playing dark souls. also elden ring. jump king. etc. bro killed himself in minecraft to become a variety streamer and i think that's beautiful. he's just chilling. this was of course epitomized when zam tried to bring him back but he was too busy playing dark souls and so he just Didn't. point is you don't have to stand at his grave and weep he is LITERALLY doing a pokemon nuzlocke run right now on twitch dot tv. unfortunately this is not stopping these two. from standing at his grave. and weeping

#therapists dni #my writing #any british ants in the chat?

[courfee]

20 Qᴜᴇꜱᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ꜰɪᴄ ᴡʀɪᴛᴇʀꜱ

Thank you for the tag @snarky-magpie <333

1. How many works do you have on A03? 14 published, 1 hidden.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 315,642

3. What fandoms do you write for? harry potter (mostly marauders and back in the day on ff.de also next gen, tho there is a golden era one happening atm), les miserables, and i used to write a handful of doctor who drabbles

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? 1. Operation Walburga's Arbitrary No Kissing Ever Rule 2. blindspot 3. All My Theory Complete 4. Borrow My Name 5. If you ask nicely

5. Do you respond to comments? Usually yes, though I am very very bad with responding (in general, not just ao3 this is a all messages kinda problem) and sometimes im off of ao3 for a solid 3 months before i check my inbox again. i am so sorry for all that, i do read all the comments when i get email notifs for them, i just often dont have the spoons to reply then and there.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably On Lies And Spies since it's a canon compliant peter fic, tho i think my prongsfoot fic might also be up there for competiton... (if we go off of ao3 i am currently writing a basically everyone dies fic and have written an angsty fred&george os on my first fic account)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I'd say operation wanker, probably

8. Do you get hate on fics? mm yeah.. amtc specifically... idk what it is with that fic but ive had all kinds of things said there... people who hated the ending, people who thought no one should ever forgive james, people who said no one should ever forgive sirius, people being just in general mean (and not even in english??).. especially the comments in the bookmarks suck, ive had several people rate that fic out of 10, have had people write an entire list of what i should have done different etc etc... it sucks cause i still like that fic a lot, the first long fic ive ever finished, but its reached a point where im scared when people tell me theyre going to start reading it :(

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yeahh ive written one jegulus smut fic. it was supposed to be a one shot for practicing purpose of seeing if i can do it and got slightly out of hand....

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I've started writing one chronicles of syntax hogwarts au before and i did a comic forever ago where the 10th doctor and rose end up in hogwarts meeting the next gen crew

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? someone started translating amtc

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I've had plans, but we haven't yet gotten beyond the planning stage. would love to try it some time tho!!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? whatever the fuck james and sirius have going on, their relationship has been my favourite for all eternity

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? My jegulus Krabat AU. I so badly want to have it written because i want to read it, but unfortunately the world is just not something i like writing in all that much

16. What are your writing strengths? Writing (un)healthily codependent friendships (aka james and sirius, (or the triumvirate)) and probably also consistency with little details

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Plotting. I suck at it. i am very much a paper thinker, so if i dont write i cant think

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? depends on the context? it has to work with the story line and characters and id rather use it sparingly

19. First fandom you wrote for? harry potter (my first published fic was next gen, my second marauders all the way back in 2011)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? probably either operation wanker or on lies and spies

no pressure tagging @messymoony @static-radio-ao3 @otrtbs @iceprinceofbelair @alarainai @delicris

#hp #tagged #mine

[viscountessevie]

Benophie anon here (the first one!) Thank you so much for responding to my ask, it was part rant, part setting the record straight on how benophies were initially feeling after the s3 announcement. Also re: trivias response to my ask: I totally understand why you may not like the book, imo it's probably the worst written book out of the series as a whole, if irc it's also the shortest book in the series, and is at least a 100 pages shorter than rmb, which might explain the pacing (the book has like 7 scenes total) It's also pretty obvious jq just wanted to get the Ben's story out of the way and move on to polin already. I checked the publishing dates for the series and there is only 7 months between tvwlm and aofag, all the other books are a year apart!! So it was definitely rushed. I think the reason I like the story so much is because it has the potential to be phenomenal. Forbidden love, the inter class pairing and yes even the no 5 shenanigans. These tropes and ideas just do it for me. Their story has the potential to be great and I will forever hate jq for not having the skill or patience to deliver on that potential. As for the workplace harassment complaints: idk man let me enjoy my fantasy book in peace✌ . That's the beauty of having eight books in this series! There's something for everyone. The show has a golden opportunity to take what is the foundation for a great story and make some excellent television out of it. I do think that the the reason they skipped over ben is the cinderella aspect of the story, you must remember how much backlash that trope was getting a year ago, the producers probably got scared and pushed the season which is... fair ig? I just hope they don't feel the need to overcorrect the book, the cinderella trope is only like the first 5 chapters anyway and then its a straight forward forbidden lovers trope. The masquerade episode could be one of the best episodes on the show if done properly. Again: the ingredients for the perfect cake are there, The producers just have to follow the instructions and not add any weird shit in there. Sorry for the long reply lol, but you did ask us to write you and essay. (Also I might add on to this essay in a couple hours, I'm definitely forgetting some stuff)

Previous Ask by Benophie Anon

[Part 2 of this ask is below when I answer it!]

Hii bestie, I know this ask has been sitting in my drafts for a while but I'm briefly back to clear out my old asks :)

Thank you for the essay - I really do love reading them and it's just very nice to know that yall are willing to read mine and give the same energy back 😍 I truly have some of the best anons/mutuals/followers ever so thank you yall!

I'm always here to let yall vent and set the record straight - as I always say this blog is a safe space for anyone who wants to make this a safe space and isn't a bigot. I've also sent along your reply to Triv. I had a good chuckle at "Idk man let me enjoy my fantasy book in peace" you're so valid. Do let me know if you do end up reading The Millionaire Marquess since it's similar to Benophie - maybe it's the book that hits the potential of what you're talking abt with AOFAG!

Also hearing about how short the book is and the publication dates,,, JQ REALLY fucked over Benophie for Book!Polin huh that really sucks and I'm sorry to Benophies out there (well the valid ones, the homophobic and racist weirdos can get out of here).

I definitely understand your frustration with books not hitting the potential you see in them. I had that with a book I reviewed recently, Unladylike Lessons In Love (yes I am indeed showering you with all the HR recs because everyone deserves to read outside JQ)

Don't let the execs and higher ups off the hook, anon cos it's NOT fair that they completely messed up the order of the books. Not to mention how they butchered TVWLM. I don't think these people even care abour elevating the books - they just slapped the series name on it for the in built fanbase which ofc the racist part of that fandom got weeded out REAL QUICK after Regé's casting. Now they're using the characters of colour as props to switch out every season to draw in their POC audience. Well they can't do that with the cracker season so good luck to them.

I'm the same - I only enjoyed AOFAG BECAUSE of Luke T! I don't think I would have been as forgiving of Ben's privileged and lowkey creepy ass in the book if I had read the book first or if Ben was played by anyone else less charming.

I think they aged him down for the ignorance and navieté show version! Also to go with the Marina storyline. He needed to be young and dumb to be tricked by her I guess. Tbh your guess is as good as mine cos this show makes so many questionable choices.

Now at the heels of QC, S3 has a LOT stacked against it. But I don't think the execs or forerunners are gonna even bother trying to redeem her 🤡 so good luck getting the audience to root for her. They're just gonna She's All That it and call it a day tbh. It's going to be bland af and I won't be tuning in. I really am over Bton the show tbh. I'm only still discussing these things cos my blog is so tied to it and my friends are still in it lol. But as you and everyone who follows can see, I have been slowly moving away and expanding my tastes.

To end off, again thanks so much for all your asks! I really do hope S4 is Benophie and they do it justice! For you and my Benophie friends ❤

#Bridgerton #Benophie Anon #Benophie #AOFAG #The Viscountess Answers

[littlemissfasd]

Unedited. (Also published on wattpad)

Florence had been arrested, technically she took the fall for her stupid friends who decided to play a game of armed robbery. They made her sign god knows how many files before they shoved her into a cell, the faint outline of a woman can be seen.

"What are you in here for.." the voice asks, i jump slightly as my back hits the wall.

"Scared the fuck out of me." I mumble.

"Sorry darlin' didn't mean to, so..you gonna answer my question?" She asks taking a step into the light. She had a scar cutting through one eyebrow, her hair was short but half of it was shoved into a bun. She has her name threaded into her jumpsuit 'Ellie williams'

"You first." I challenge, why are you doing this? She could kill me within seconds. I shake those thoughts away and clear my throat.

"Murder. Dont worry..she deserved it." My eyes widen a little, okay really shouldn't joke about her killing me anymore. The smile that was plastered on her face gave out an eerie feeling, like she wasnt even phased at what she had done. "Your turn." She says, this time theres a small smirk on her face.

"Uh armed robbery." I nod slowly, her eyes squint slightly almost saying she doesn't believe it. Cant say i blame her when im wearing a skirt and a low cut shirt.

"So..who'd you kill?" I ask without hesitation. She chuckles slightly before shrugging "someone who deserved it." I nod "Fair enough.." i look around the cell.

Not that there was much to look at, concrete walls, concrete floors, two metal bed frames with paper thin mattresses.

"So.." she starts taking a few steps towards me "you got a girlfriend?" I'm confused by the sudden question, not that my confusion stops me from answering it. Fucking blabbermouth.

"Uh..i dont know? I guess ive never tried." I admit, its true. I am not against the idea it's just i've never been with anyone properly.

"I could show you." She says in a quiet tone, i chuckle slightly. "Oh yeah? How would you do that?" I question.

She looks around, thinking for a second before answering. "I could pin you up against that wall and.." she trails off not finishing her sentence. "And what.." will you ever learn to shut up?!

"Kiss you.." she murmured taking a step towards me, her faces moves towards mine. I swear i can feel her breath on my face. "Why would you do that?" I ask, my eyes flicker slightly but i quickly stop that and focus on her eyes. "Because your pretty."

Was she flirting? Was she just trying to build a relationship so i wouldn't expect her to kill me? I mean i can see the knife hidden in her back pocket.

"So are you but you did just admit to killing someone."

Her fave turns cold as she takes a step back sitting on the end of the metal bed frame. Now you've done it. "What did you say?" She asks coldly. "I said..you told me that you killed someone.." i repeat. She smirks and nods "i mean she deserved it. Its just a little murder." She stood back up with that same sinister smile creeping back onto her face. She creeps towards me once more and i just watch her.

"So what did she do?" I ask, DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! Shut up. She shrugs "its a secret. I will tell you though..i enjoyed every single moment of it."

No surprise there.

She smirked at my lack of reaction, bringing a joint to her lips and taking a few puffs of it. "Your are pretty though..wouldn't mind having some fun with you." She comments.

"Im assuming a little fun ends in me in a coffin?" I say, slightly amused.

"Who knows, who knows." Her hands travels up the side of my thigh, she giggles seeing my reaction. "So i have a fifty fifty chance to live or die." Her hand traces around my back finding its way under my shirt "That is very distracting." I whisper.

"I meant what i said..i wouldn't mind having some fun with you."

I roll my eyes "what are you doing ellie." I ask, blankly. She pushes me firmly against the wall, making sure I couldn't get away from her. "What? Are you going to kill me with the knife in your pocket?" I ask, a small smirk appearing on my face.

"Oh so you did see it." She says with almost a proud expression, i nod "im not blind."

"But you are dumb..challenging a murderer." She made a valid point but it wasn't as if i cared. She moved my long hair away from my neck, leaning in and attaching her lips to my skin. My head tilts to the side allowing her better access, i shouldn't do this. But she's so..addictive.

A small breathy moan leaves my mouth as her teeth nips my skin "oh so you do enjoy this." She says, placing the cold blade of the knife to my bare back "never said I didn't." I say, i shiver slightly at the cold but hold no other emotion.

"You play a dangerous game..i know exactly where to put this knife so that you wont make a sound" she says. In a cold tone, holding her serious face.

"So do it." I suggest. Her faces changes, to one i cant explain.

"You really do get off on this huh." Her laugh yet again cold and sinister. "Maybe i just have a knife kink." I say, she nods slowly taking my sentence into consideration.

"I mean maybe. That's definitely a possibility." Her free hand travels up, landing on my neck. "Your knife is considerably blunt, and the tip is damaged." I say, without a second thought. "Correct." Is all she says before slicing through the back of my bra. Her hand drops from my neck and pulls my shirt over my head, i dont try to stop her. My bra hangs by only the straps and she smiles at the sight "lets..remove this. Shall we.?" Using the knife, putting the blade carefully under the strap she pushes it down my arm on both sides.

"Pretty girl." She says kicking my bra across the floor. I shudder feeling the tip of the knife trail across my bare breast.

"You are so..easy." She mumbles. I chuckle "says the one who is literally undressing me." I comment.

"Good point." Her head drops, taking my nipple into her mouth forcing a low gasp to leave my mouth. "This is..wrong." I whisper "Yet you're not stopping me?" She challenges when she releases my nipple from her mouth.

"Look at this pretty skirt." She compliments, unzipping the front of it forcing it to fall to the floor, leaving me in my underwear "oh..you really are enjoying this." She smirks seeing the pool of liquid forming in my underwear. She drops the knife onto the floor, i flinch slightly at the loud noise, she drops to her knees. Kissing up my legs, parting them slightly so she can get to my inner thighs "please." I beg, my hair intertwining my fingers through her hair.

"Sh sh..patience my love." I roll my eyes at her response, her fingers pull my underwear down in a swift movement. Her finger slides through my soaked folds as she looks up at me with a smirk "How long before you kill me?" I ask, she looks amused by the question "i'd say..ten minutes." I swallow but nod "best make it the best 10 minutes of my life then aye?" She says nothing instead she forces two fingers deep inside me causing a loud gasp to leave my mouth.

"God you're so tight." She mumbles, moving her fingers at a slow pace "Ellie.." i moan, my grip on her hair tightens feeling her mouth take my clit inside.

"Oh my god!" I moan, slamming my hand over my mouth remembering inmates can hear us right now. She removes her mouth, grabbing my hand away from my hand "let me hear you, love." She says as an almost warning, i nod not being able to get my words out as her fingers continue to move at a fast pace.

She takes my clit back into her mouth, humming against me forcing vibrations through my body "fuck!" I yell, my hips unintentionally grinding against her face. My release hits hard and suddenly, she takes my juices into her mouth happily.

"Good girl. One more for me." I don't even process what she says before the pace of her fingers continue "oh el~" my eyes roll into the back of my head as her fingers curl inside me, hitting that one spot "im~ im close." I whimper, she nods simply adding her thumb to my clit "oh- to..too much." I pant, she clearly doesn't care and continues to pleasure me. "Fuck! Ellie please" i beg, im not sure what im begging for. Liquid seeps from me down her fingers as a smirk crawls onto her fave as she places her fingers into her mouth.

With her free hand she guides me to her bed, i know whats coming. I cant fight her.

"Times up, pretty girl."

#tlou hbo #tlou2 #ellie williams #ellie x reader #smut

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything

[wander-wren]

THE POINT ABOUT SHIVER BEING A CASHGRAB THAT GOT DERAILED

i’m actually semi-qualified this time! i’ve done a lot of research into publishing, bc i want to Get Published, and i happen to have recently written a small essay on maggie stiefvater so i have info about how shiver came to be.

i also have a lot of anger. i will try to contain it. ahem. also i apologize to the person/people who made the cashgrab allegations originally, i am not mad at you so much as at the general world/attitude. patpat. we’re all good buddy

basically, i don’t think shiver was a cashgrab. i try not to have parasocial relationships with authors, but i do think maggie stiefvater is dedicated enough to authenticity to not, like, do that. specifically i remember reading this blog post about author-reader and reader-author responsibility.

everything i’m about to say, unless stated otherwise, comes from maggie’s interview on the First Draft podcast. i’m too lazy to track down links, but i’ll try to at least say where i got things from.

so, shiver is maggie’s third book. the first, she sold to a small publishing house for an advance that was around $2000 that’s small as fuck. the average advance is $25,000, the median is $50,000, and those numbers if memory serves come from a 2021 survey of debut authors.

(average and median, for people who are curious, are so far apart because most advances are on the smaller side, but big six and seven figure outliers affect the median. i think. i gave a speech on this but that was six months ago. i may be getting them backwards, the principle stands.)

so anyway, maggie sells her first book, ballad, buys a mattress, and keeps writing. she sells its sequel, lament, and also happens to have shiver ready at the same time. the house also wants shiver, so the two go together. ballad and lament both come out very quietly. shiver comes out about a year and a half later (i don’t know why, publishing is fickle), and immediately lands on the nyt bestseller list. this was august 2009. mstief couldve very well written it bc of the twilight paranormal romance boom, was probably writing it around 2005, 2006. lament was published january 2008, meaning both books had probably been bought in 2006 or 2007. but we don’t know what her thinking was.

small house, quiet releases, and none of the Peak twilight tropes. somehow i don’t think maggie was aiming for, or expecting, a cash grab.

and i hate this! i hate this assumption. not bc i think a very famous very successful author needs to be defended on tumblr, but because it’s such a common assumption that authors (especially ya, especially fantasy romance) are just out for money. it sucks.

first of all, publishing is almost impossible to make a living in. see those advances up there? they’re split into chunks. right now, usually quarters, each to be paid on a specific milestone of the publishing process. often, when the book comes out an author has not received all or even most of their advance payments. yes, that is stupid. we hate it too. and you can’t receive royalties until after the advance is paid, so that 25k or 50k or what-have-you may take two or three years to get to you. and then there’s taxes and a 15% cut for your agent. @xiranjayzhao (ohgod i’m so scared to tag you if you see this hii) has spoken before about how they could not live off the money from iron widow, despite it being a huge bestseller.

it’s very difficult to make a living off of books. it’s even more difficult to make a living off of books while being honest. people with ghostwriters or ai help or just a lot of determination can churn out dozens of crap romance novels and perhaps make that work. and that’s valid. yknow, i respect the hustle.

but quality and authenticity take time and this industry moves SO goddamn slow that even if you can write a sellable book in a month it’ll be two years before it comes out so what’s the point in writing to the current market?

i don’t care what you think privately about maggie stiefvater or shiver but i DO care that there’s this strange culture that if something is a little bit tropey or a little too much like something popular it has to be a cash grab. that authors are doing this for the money. some are. most aren’t.

maybe i’m just a bit sensitive bc i’m working towards hopefully the final round of edits on a book heavily inspired by six of crows and i agree wholeheartedly with the blog post i linked above. i’ve ranted before about how important authenticity in writing is to me and how much i hate the implication that i value quantity over quality or whatever the fuck.

so here’s a post that is probably too long with a whole lot of numbers to tell you that sometimes people are actually honest. and sometimes people do care about art for art’s sake. and if you don’t like a book, that’s okay, but at least dislike it for accurate reasons, thank you

#wren wrambles #idek how to tag anymore #shiver #sure why not #paranoid that i’m getting something wrong in here but like four people will see this it’s fine #i’m taking this too personally! that is fine

[limetameta]

I genuinely want you to answer all of the weirdly specific questions for writers 👀

I am waiting for eggs to boil so I went and answered them. :)

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

Times New Roman 12 babyy

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

I would just never write anything ever again and would instead evaporate

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

I write crosslegged so I had to dismantle an expensive gaming chair that I bought to treat myself because I had never owned one and was so guilty about buying it only to find out that I cannot sit comfortably (ie neurodivergent like) so I just never sat in it and didnt write anything in ages and felt so bad abt it and tried sitting in so many weird (ie normal neurotypical) positions on that chair but nothing was working. Until one day bestie just asked me if I can take the arm rests off. I did so the same day and binge wrote 20k.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

Rompar. It used to be roly poly but now its rompar.

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

Never keep the story in one google doc, you will be overwhelmed. Have a doc for each chapter and then you will finish it lmao.

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

That I suck ass and that the people who say I write well are lying to me.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Seeing how other people build off of my writing and them trying to give me theories about what they think is coming next :D

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

Without action. I can write a whole fic just with dialogue no problem.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

Grandma, if you see this I hope you smite my enemies

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Means that paragraph that haunts me either fucks or sucks so bad I need to change it. I am haunted by my first ever published fanfiction from 2012. It is gone for a reason.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

Kid me used to delete that shit mercilessly and now I rue not having access to some of those darlings. I have a doc that I keep with all the darlings for a specific fic.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Lorem Ipsum my beloved this takes me back.

Wish 1) I never have to use google translate again. The word I am looking for appears to me in the language I want it to appear in so I dont need to scour bosanski -> english google translate.

Wish 2) I look like an eldritch horror when you see me out of the corner of your eye but when you see me normally i look like me :)

Wish 3) I wish to free the genie

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

What you see me write is easy. What you dont see is hard.

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

I give people books that I am done with. Never lend. I feel like a beggar trying to get them back after and thats not smth i need.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

I am scared to write in books because growing up i never owned books i only had library books.

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark?

Dead bug.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Can somebody send me a message what they want here like narrow it down

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

Send me passages

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I started writing in English in 2009. Published my first fic online in 2012. I am on a proverbial horse right now, my writing is so rad when compared to even last year s writing. "Svakoga dana u svakom pogledu sve više napredujem ." XD

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

I would chose love. I know I can do the writing thing lmao. My love life is unlucky insofar.

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

I wish Id quit writing fanfic. But I keep getting sucked into fandoms. I most likely will try my hardest to stop writing fanfic once I fully complete the MCU.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

I am skipping this because dear god it is a mess.

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

I think I did answer this one somewhere u can check it out if u go in the #ask tag and scroll

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

I want to kill Maes Hughes but every single scene with him having fun with Kimblee and co is important because it is making you fall in love with him as a character and making him into a real and lived char in this au. His death has to hurt and not be abrupt like in FMAB. Fma03 did this better u had more Maes scenes.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Pinako and Van used to grow weed.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

I dont know man I just do my thing and ask myself what would Solf J Kimblee do and then I write

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Tom Riddle. I meann

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Dr Morsels is honestly turning into my favourite fandom oc lmao

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry?

My muse is Slenderman. I write Slenderman and all the words come back.

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

I remember my dreams in the first like hour after I wake up. But I did get some really good ideas in my dreams so I will implement them.

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

I love you. :) If you dont tell me you love me back I will die like a plant. <3

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I dont return to anything lmao I am in academia and therefore disallowed from feeling art and reliving it.

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

Entirely seperate. I dance.

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

Good comma. 10/10.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

The way I just write sentences goes against all rules apparently. Bestie, native english writer, used to have an anyeurism until they found out that this is just how I write sentences and that I just will not change. They can explain better than I can.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

:) I am a part of the leisure mafia so I know all about that field.

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you?

This person was so poor that they never went to therapy, huh?

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

Cats love us. :)

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

Each day that I write I get better at it. Each day I get better at it I am leagues better than my sworn arch nemesis.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

https://fleursdumal.org/poem/126

#ask

[selflessanatta]

How to Understand Karma and Apply It to Your Life, https://selflessanatta.com/how-to-understand-karma-and-apply-it-to-your-life/

New Post has been published on https://selflessanatta.com/how-to-understand-karma-and-apply-it-to-your-life/

How to Understand Karma and Apply It to Your Life

Karma

Whenever something happens I didn’t want or foresee, I still feel an initial burst of anger.

How dare Fate, Karma, God, (insert anyone other than me) make this awful thing happen?

Am I a victim?

After giggling at my foolishness momentarily, a nanosecond later, I cut that bullshit off by reminding myself that whatever occurs, it happens because of actions I took in the past, even if it was lifetimes ago.

Reincarnation is Useful Bullshit

Do I actually believe, as ontological Body reality, that I have actually existed through endless lifetimes?

No. I don’t.

But I don’t need to.

I don’t need to believe in magnetism to use a compass.

Karma still works when I act as if I’ve lived an infinite number of lifetimes, and more importantly, I have a great many more lives yet to go.

When something bad happens to me that doesn’t appear to be in any way connected to anything I’ve ever done in my life, my first reaction is, “Why me God?”

That question opens a doorway to suffering.

Enter Karma.

Instead, if I accept that whatever happened was due to something I did wrong in a previous life, it has two positive effects.

First, it cuts off the “why me” victim nonsense that makes me feel like shit.

Second, it makes me even more confident that my actions have consequences, which is what I want.

Third, and most importantly, when I consider my future lives, I know that anything I do will come back on me at some point, even if it takes thousands of lifetimes.

There is no escape from responsibility.

Moral Compass

People hurt each other for selfish reasons because they believe they can get away with it.

If my actions have no consequences, I would pretty much do what I want.

Most religions and cultures invent a Hell as a catch-all insurance policy against getting-away-with-it while you are alive, hoping perhaps this will motivate a few people to “be good” to avoid eternal damnation.

As a concept, it’s become so burdened by legalese, pointless debates on dogma, and philosophical mental masturbation that it no longer has enough emotional impact to scare people straight, assuming it ever did.

Karma is the shackle of personal responsibility every ego wants to avoid.

Yet, it must be chosen.

People have been imposing their Gods on each other since antiquity, forcing them to see the Light by using Dark, usually extinguishing the flames of heathens and heretics if they refused to accept someone else’s Salvation.

It was never about them, the people supposedly being Saved.

How fucked up is that?

Buddhism is different: It’s a path of choice.

You either choose to feel Karma’s navigating field or you don’t.

Here’s how it works.

If I truly believed my actions were absolutely going to come back to me in some form or fashion, and there was no escape, none, no dodging responsibility — when I felt that hit my heart — I didn’t want to inflict my selfish desires on anyone.

The Power of Karma is its ability to prevent me from hurting others.

I use it as a mind hack.

A useful tool to drive my motivation toward virtue.

When you learn to navigate by it Karma is an excellent moral compass, a needle aligning your heart True North, pointing you down the Proper Path.

(Taylor Swift, Your words are beautiful. Your every action proves your authenticity. You obviously “Get It.” I feel your heart!

Swifties, Disciples of Taylor Swift, you sit at the feet of a Master. You are in good hands.)

100% Responsible

Once I started navigating by Karma, I took 100% responsibility for everything that occurred to me.

Why? Because if I act unwisely, hurt people, or do bad things, it’s all going to come back to bite me in the ass.

I don’t want that.

There is no pleading for mercy. Directing consequence to another. Offering rationalizations and hoping the verdict goes my way.

Potential outcomes down the dark path are unpredictable and undesirable.

Perhaps a rival takes revenge. Perhaps a fraud perpetrated years ago is uncovered. Secrets haunt you at night, disturbing your mind.

Emotionally, you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don’t want that.

Regret: What Responsibility Feels Like

Live-with-no-regrets is the anthem of Desire. It’s not wise spiritual advice.

A life without regrets represents a failure to learn from mistakes.

For many years, I would seduce my wife, subtly coercing her into pleasing me when she really didn’t want to.

It isn’t a virtuous behavior. I put my selfish desire over her needs and wants.

I would not have been happy if the roles had been reversed.

For many years, I continually inflicted subtle emotional pain on my life partner.

I didn’t feel that pain because I didn’t consider her experience, and I likely would have convinced myself I wasn’t responsible for her reaction.

I felt no regret.

When I looked honestly at the behavior, an unpleasant feeling of revulsion arose.

The deeper I dug, the more intense I felt that pain.

Most people recoil when they feel the unpleasant feelings of remorse.

I use it as a warning sign.

It’s telling me that I am considering a behavior that has caused others pain in the past.

If I continue down this path, I am likely to do something that will make me feel that pain with more intensity.

Don’t do it.

Just say no.

~~wink~~

Anatta

[aprettyboykiller]

So I've been struggling with eating disorders for a long, long time now, almost 12 years. A first all started with an anorexia that I don't really knew about it, I didn't know what was going on until years later that I looked back at myself and the actions I was doing: not eating at all. But I didn't notice that not eating was bad... Then I quickly gained all the weight back and SO MUCH FUCKING MORE. I was huge than ever at almost 80 kilos. I wasn't concern about it because I did not realize that I was that bad... The true was I looked like shit and was not ok. Then, 4 years ago I decided to change myself again... At first It was all perfect, good meals, a lot of excercise... But then I started restrictions again... And at some point Bulimia took me fucking hard. I've been binging and purging about 3 and al half years now and I am tired of it. I have a lot of good and beautiful things in my life and I don't want this fucking disease to took over my life anymore. I shared this with some people already, but I need to get rid of the feeling that I am not totally free, I can't be my true self because I am scared of people knowing that I am sick, but it is what it is and I am putting myself in this awful situation just to make a step further and being able to get out of this hole of madness and sickness.

I wanna be healthy, I wanna be able to enjoy myself and have fun times with the people I love not worrying about if they gonna judge me, not being salty all the time because I am scared to let people know how fuck up I really am. I wanna be brave, I wanna be at peace with my own mind. And I wanna be sincere with all the people that take the time to be around me, I wanna tell you this and tell you that I love you even when I am being rude or stupid, because the main reason of me being like that is that it is a lot going on on my head, and I am sorry.

This is the start of a new life for me and I am going to work hard for a peace of mind that I never had before and love myself de una puta vez.

#I am so scared to publish this but fuck it its done #ed #bulimia #anorexia #eating disroders #also if you need someone to talk to about ed please msg me bc you are never alone and you can get out ok #ok

[mr2swap]

Trapped in the body and mind of my 14-year-old son (2)

THIS IS FUCKING GREAT! I don't know exactly why my father chose me as his lab rat to cast his body-swapping spell but I have no complaints!

Being an adult is better than being a stupid child, When I woke up in bed and in my father's body I felt like shit! by the way, it feels great to be able to say bad words without having to answer to anyone.

It was 6 am when I was woken up by the sound of my father's alarm clock to go to work maybe he forgot it was Saturday he did that when he had this body. Anyway I was really scared when I saw myself in the mirror for the first time now I was old and tired, I ran straight to my room using my new long hairy legs.

But before I got to the door a sudden thought came to my mind "why don't I have some fun before my son wakes up and starts screwing me over?" the first thing I did was go to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of hot coffee without even a spoonful of sugar and after the first sip, I could understand why the adults were so obsessed with this bitter drink it was amazing how good I felt when I finished with my first cup!

Afterward, I poured myself a second cup and went to change into something more “comfortable” I always thought dad's clothes were cool and didn't know when he would get another chance like this. Even with the second cup of coffee and taking small sips, I walked to Dad's room and raided his closet, I dressed in a shirt and pants, damn it! I even put on her long stockings and her black shoes and before I knew it my body was moving on its own.

I took one of dad's ties and slid it over my neck I didn't know exactly what I was doing I just let myself go for the moment and before I knew it I had made a perfect knot in the tie. Like that was a switch, memories of my father from the day before flooded my mind. -So... he's in my body now?- My dad's thick, comforting voice now came out of me, my new reflection in the mirror in my father's room catching my attention as he spoke.

I looked up and down, now it was my father, now I was the father. Walking slowly back to the living room and guided by my instincts, I pulled out one of the fat cigars from Dad's “secret” drawer. now there was no longer any secret for me everything was in my mind, in my memories.

Taking my time enjoying the moment, I brought the thick, tobacco-flavored cylinder to my mouth and lit. for a second I thought “why is this flavor so familiar?” but it was obvious that this body had done it hundreds of times before that feeling of "Deja Vu" is repeated to this day every time I do anything. the sensation of having the cigar between my lips, the papa suit, and the papa body were addictive from that moment I felt powerful, safe as an adult.

And after taking my first puff and letting the feeling of relaxation and the smoke invade my body, my father woke up, left the room moving his little feet directly towards me. -Hey son… did you sleep well?-

This is the second part of a story that is now published on my PATREON if you want to know the other side of the story please visit my page, I have a lot of TF stories.

#bodyswap #body swap #male body swap #body switch

[jae-daddy]

Duff (9)

im jaebum au series 

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven / eight / nine / ten / eleven  masterlist

pairing: im jaebum x reader  genre: angst, smurt, cheating plot: you are the duff and guys use you to get close to your best friend, Heather, and turns out Jaebum is no exception, but as time does on the tension between you and your best friend’s unofficial boyfriend grows a/n: a short one, because I really truly hated where I had left the story last time. it was not it, but I like this. it’s better than the alternative I guess. also, I am writing all of it before publishing it so <3 hope yall like it <3 

You don’t know what came first; the guilt, embarrassment or hurt. 

But you knew yourself well, and you knew guilt didn’t touch your heart until later that night when you were lying in bed. As you stared up at the ceiling, thinking about that him, for the first time guilt laid its icy fingertips on you. 

The first thing you felt was hurt. Hurt that clawed at your heart, and made your soul whimper. Hurt that cut through you entirely as you remained in his arms, watching his face. 

“Yes,” he had said, his fingers digging into your hips. 

“Yes,” you replied, breathing him in as you leaned closer to him. 

You saw his lips draw into a straight line as he pulled away and said, “No.”

“Oh,” was all you said moving away from him. 

A simple sound, not even a word to express the pain that seared through you at his words. 

No.

He didn’t want you. 

Im Jaebum didn’t want you. 

You were in his arms, your skirt drawn up to your hips as you sat on his lap. In a single breath, he changed the moment completely, and you were no longer burning in passion, but in agony. Agony of not being desired by this man, not being wanted by him, when you yearned for him. When you were begging for his lips to touch any part of you, he had turned away. 

And then came the embarrassment blazing through the darkness of lust, and it hurt. It stabbed you everywhere till you were shivering in sudden coldness. You were so embarrassed, so ashamed. You had- you had done... all of that, and all he said was ‘no.’ 

It wasn’t the rejection that the embarrassment stemmed from. It was because you had tried, because you thought it would happen, because you thought he wanted you. Because you had offered yourself to him, and all he said to express his repugnance was a simple ‘no.’ 

You climbed off him and walked out the office. Your face was on fire from the shame as you straightened your skirt. You chuckled to yourself thinking a walk of shame was better then trying to hook up with your boss only to be rejected. 

You finished work that day, and the next, like nothing was amiss. As if that moment didn’t happen. As if every time you saw him, you weren’t reminded that he didn’t want you. 

Im Jaebum didn’t want you. 

It shouldn’t hurt that bad, especially since you almost swore you hated him with your heart. But it did, it hurt truly terribly badly, and there was nothing you could do about it. 

You couldn’t even feel sorry for yourself long enough too. Because as soon as the hurt and shame went away, and you looked up at your dark ceiling, you remembered her face. 

You remembered the way she had held your hand whenever you were scared. How she would give you that look every time she took your hand giving her courage. Her love, her kindness, her friendship, her. 

How for the first time since you’ve known her... for the first time, it seemed as if Heather truly liked someone and you... 

You didn’t feel sorry for yourself, or your heart that ached. You weren’t sure if the ache was because of the rejection or from the thought of loosing your best friend. But you didn’t feel sorry because what happened was your fault.

“Thanks for the files, y/n,” Jaebum looked up from his desk. For the first time, he was seated in the big boss seat without any reason. You smiled and nodded, before turning to leave, like nothing was amiss. As if that afternoon had never happened, as if you had never crossed that line.

You were almost out the door when he said, “Have a good weekend.”

Your fingers turned white on the handle, but you nevertheless you turned around and gave him a bright smile, “You too, Mr Im.” 

// 

Heather pouted as she sat next to you, before pulling you into a big bear hug. 

“It’s so nice to have my best friend back,” she sang, happily, hugging you tighter. 

You gave her small smile as you leaned into her, petting her arm, “It’s nice to be back.”

“Gosh, I’m so glad you’re done with that internship,” she huffed over the loud music of the club. 

You only nodded as you took a sip of your drink, “I still have three weeks left, Heather.” 

“Three weeks pass by like nothing,” she shook her head. She turned to you with a bright smile, “Remember Bali? Maybe now that you’re going to be more free, maybe we can...” 

She gave you a huge grin, quizzically raising her brows up and down to the music. Before she began bopping her head like a dork to the beat, “What do you say, y/n?” 

I’m sorry. 

“Whatever you want,” you smiled at her, and she exclaimed in joy. 

// 

“Mr Park Jinyoung is now officially the CEO of Spring Industries, and has sent forward a report and plan for their proposal,” You looked up to see Jaebum opening his mouth, but you cut him off knowing his question. “The file is already on your desks, and I have included a summary report from myself and Mr Paul.” 

You had a month and a bit to think about what had happened. In the beginning, you had blamed yourself. It was foolish of you to put yourself out there for him, but the more you thought about the angrier you got. 

It wasn’t all in your head. Im Jaebum did flirt with you. 

He gave you all the signals, all the green lights, and the arrows leading you to him. He basically had made a pathway for you to follow into his arms, and after all that he said no? 

No. 

No, it wasn’t your fault for putting yourself out there for him. You had done it because you thought... you felt that he too... but who knows, Im Jaebum was friendly with everyone. 

But he did tell others his wish was to kiss them?

Did he ever follow anyone to the rooftop of a club and call himself a fool for letting them go?

Did he talk to everyone about his mother?

Did he smile like that at everyone? Look at them like that? Touch them with the faintest touch of his fingertips?

But you should’ve known better. 

These rich guys never go for girls like you. 

You don’t have any money, any wealth, nothing to offer them to make their status go up. You weren’t even pretty enough to be a trophy wife. You were just a girl they could play with behind closed doors. 

But for Jaebum, you weren’t even worth that.

“Spring Industries is having a party on Thursday to announce Park Jinyoung as their new appointed CEO. They have requested your presence to show the companies are friendly--,” you once again looked up from your iPad, to find Jaebum staring at you intently. You ignored his gaze, and the rage that fumed inside you, “It’s most likely a political publicity stunt, but I would recommend you do go to the party, as it will be beneficial for you both-”

“What am I going to do about you?” 

“Excuse me?” You gasped, taken aback. 

Jaebum chuckled, humourlessly. His lips twisted into a smirk, and you realised you hadn’t seen him smile or laugh in a really long time. You tried to shove the pain shooting towards your heart away, but a pang still rang through you as you saw his sad smile. 

“How am I going to do this all without you?” He clarified himself. You stammered unable to think of something to say. Jaebum let out a sigh, “Come to the party with me.” 

“I’m afraid that’s-”

Jaebum interrupted you, making you frown. 

“Your last assignment as my secretary, Miss y/n,” Jaebum tilted his head to the side, smiling slightly as he said, “Come with me.” 

No. 

“What about Heather?” 

“I can’t go to formal gatherings with her without others assuming it's a political play,” Jaebum answered, before shrugging, “It’s too early for that step anyway.” 

Too early? They have been dating for months now, and Heather was head over heels for him, and he is saying it’s too early. 

“I-”

“Please, y/n,” Jaebum’s dark eyes bore into yours, and you held your breath. “One last time.” 

"Alright,” you sighed, defeated. 

“Thanks.” 

Thanks, love, the ghost of his past self whispered.

You swallowed the bitterness, before looking down at your iPad once again. 

“Mr Henry and Mark are...” you continued on as if nothing was wrong. 

Because nothing was wrong. 

Everything was right. 

You were about to end this dreadful internship, and come out debt free. 

Heather was in love with her boyfriend. 

Her boyfriend didn’t fuck her best friend. 

And your best friend was still your best friend. 

Everything was just right, but everything felt so wrong. 

// 

You were leaning against the rich white leather sofa and Heather’s shoulders. Your eyes were closed, as you tried not to break down in front of your best friend. 

You knew Jaebum wasn’t going to be here tonight. It was Friday night and he had a company dinner with the upper shareholders today. So, tonight you decided to sleep over at Heather’s house. 

Just like every moment you spent with her now, you wanted to burst out into tears and tell her everything. Tell her how you fell for him and his teasing words. How you didn’t mean to but you started to like him, how your heart ached every time you saw him. How terrible you felt every time you saw Heather smile at you like that, knowing that you were so close to ruining everything. 

“Hey, what’s wrong, babe?” Heather asked, her soft hands wiping the tears that fell onto your cheeks. 

You shook your head and moved away from her shoulder. You leaned into the corner of your sofa, and tried to hold in the tears. But you couldn’t. 

Your chin began to shake as more tears fell from your eyes. 

“Hey, hey, hey, y/n,” Heather moved towards you quickly. “What’s wrong, babe? You can tell me anything.” 

You shook your head, you couldn’t tell her this. You couldn’t tell her this. You couldn’t lose her. 

“I’m sorry, Heather,” you whispered into her tank top as she pulled your shaking body into her. 

“Shhh,” she hushed, brushing your hair, trying to calm your sobbing body, “It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s only to be okay. I’m here for you, I’m always going to be here for you. Okay?” 

You bit your lip as you cried harder. You managed a meek okay through your tears. 

After you had calmed down a bit, you leaned back and looked at your best friend. Her eyes were glistening with concern, and a few stray tears running down her face too from seeing you cry. 

You couldn't hide it from her, she was your other half. You had to tell her, but all you could manage was, “I love him, Heather.” 

I love Im Jaebum.

#duff #im jaebum #jay b #lim jaebeom #im jaebeom #lim #im #Jaebum #jaebeom #got7 #got7 jaebeom #got7 jay b #got7 jaebum #got7 series #series #fanfic #ff #jaebum series #jaebum fanfic #jaebum angs #angst #got7 angst #fluff #got7 fluff #jaebum smut #cheating #sad #rejected

[queenshelby]

The Last Semester – Part Eighteen

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 1,407

Warning: Pregnancy Mentioned

Prior Parts: https://queenshelby.tumblr.com/post/659814893025902592/the-last-semester-part-seventeen

YOUR POV

Another week had passed and there was nothing but radio silence from Cillian and you were scrambling to think about what to do.

Emma certainly achieved her goal by publishing this most ridiculous article about your relationship. Clearly, it had an effect on Cillian.

You texted him twice, but received no response. You were heartbroken and riddled with morning sickness. Yet, you carried on as if nothing had happened.

You had started your first teaching job after finishing university and finally found a small apartment in Dublin and you still hadn’t told anyone that you were pregnant. Only your stepmother knew and she promised to keep it a secret until you were ready to talk about it or make a decision about whether or not to keep the baby.

Whilst you didn’t judge anyone who chose to terminate, your choice was likely going to keep the baby. You couldn’t terminate the pregnancy. It wasn’t really an option for you and you were almost certain that you would keep the baby. You knew that you were old enough and mature enough to have this child.

Packing boxes was distracting you. There wasn’t much to pack as you hadn’t unpacked the majority of your belongings since moving from London to start with.

Your stepmother was helping you sort through everything and made a list of things you would need in the near future while looking through the basement to see what she had kept from her last pregnancy which, evidentially, wasn’t much.

It gave her a good excuse to also do the annual spring clean and clear out the rubbish that had accumulated over the years.

‘You know, he’s good with his boys so even if things don’t work out between you, I think you will find that he will be a good dad’ your stepmother said before asking you when you were planning to tell him.

‘I want him to talk to me because of what he feels and not because he has to if he finds out that I am pregnant. I will give it a few weeks and see if he comes around’ you huffed, somewhat upset by Cillian pulling away from you once again.

‘You love him don’t you?’ your stepmother then asked and you nodded, tears running down your face.

‘I just wish he felt the same’ you then said as your emotions were getting the better of you and you broke down.

‘I think he does. He is just scared. There is a lot at stake for him and, honestly, with you being so much younger he might be worried about the longevity of your relationship. He is probably waying things up. This not only impacts his personal life, the kids, but also his career and friendships’ your stepmother explained and you knew that she was right. Yet, you were angry and hormonal.

Cillian’s POV

Over the past two weeks, Cillian had done a lot of thinking.  The conflict with your father was just one final straw that had been drawn.

For months, when his agent found out about his relationship with a much younger woman, he had been told to break it off. It was bad for his career, making him a cliché of a Hollywood actor.

Then, there were his sons who had asked questions about you and his ex-wife certainly fuelled the fire when it came to their apprehension. She opposed his new relationship and, whilst he cared little about what she thought about him, Cillian had to communicate with her on a daily basis. After all, she was the mother of his children and they shared custody for them.

Then, of course, there was the fact that you were twenty years younger than Cillian and he worried that, one day, you would realise that you missed out on life and should have been with someone your own age, explore, party and travel. Do what people your age do and not be slowed down by someone so much older. The age gap between you was certainly something that bothered him on a personal level as he thought that, one day, you might change your mind about him and what you wanted.

In Cillian’s mind, the easiest way out was to break it off with you. It would solve all of his problems. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He loved you, he missed you and he wanted to be with you no matter how illogical it was.

Every night, he flicked through your photographs on his phone and he drafted one message after another to you before simply deleting them all, not knowing what to say, knowing that it was better if he didn’t say anything at all.

It wasn’t until Saturday evening, just as you finished packing up for your move, that Cillian slowly came to his senses about what he wanted and texted you with just a little bit of help from his son Charlie.

‘Hey, dad! Did you listen to what I said?’ Charlie asked as Cillian was, once again, lost in his thoughts.

‘I am sorry Charlie. What did you say?’ he asked, looking up from his phone with some help.

‘I want to go to the movies with Janine tomorrow. Is that ok?’ he asked, causing Cillian to raise an eyebrow and sigh.

‘She is only 18 months older than me and you know what?’ Charlie then said, waiting for his father’s reaction.

‘What?’ Cillian chuckled.

‘According to a very not so relevant book I just read, age doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese’ Charlie then said, causing Cillian to laugh.

‘That’s some deep poetry right there’ Cillian chuckled before agreeing to his son’s request and giving him some money to take out Janine.

‘Thanks dad. You know, this goes for you too and if you don’t make a move on Y/N, someone else will snap her up in no time’ Charlie then said with a hint of sarcasm.

‘Oh, you think so?’ Cillian chuckled and, just as he did, Charlie grabbed his father’s phone and began typing in his password.

‘Hey, give that back. I am not joking. I will ground you’ Cillian said somewhat angrily.

‘Well, I am with mum next week so you can’t really do that’ Charlie said as he finished typing before returning the phone to Cillian.

‘Fuck’ Cillian shouted as he read the message from him to you which simply read ‘I miss you’.

‘You just said a swearword. That’s naughty’ Charlie then grinned, causing Cillian to speechlessly stand in the kitchen and think about what to say now.

‘Well, I suppose this will get the conversation going. Thanks for the 50 Euro dad’ Charlie chuckled before walking into his room.

‘Grounded’ Cillian growled.

‘Fine. At least it was worth it’ Charlie winked back.  

Your Father’s POV

The same evening, your father arrived home from work to you pulling out of the driveway and a stack of garbage bags being piled up in front of the front door of the house.

‘What the…’ he growled just as your stepmother brought out the final bag.

‘Spring clean’ she said somewhat satisfied, causing him to huff.

‘Where is Y/N going?’ your father asked as he was just about to take off his shoes.

‘To Marina’s house. Movie night I think’ your stepmother said before asking your father to put the trash into the bins before taking off his shoes.

‘Sure’ he responded just as she disappeared back inside to finish off cooking and, as your father took out the trash as requested, one of the large thin plastic bags got caught on the tyre of the bicycle besides the house.

It tore almost immediately and half of its contents scattered over the wet grass.

‘For fuck sake’ your father shouted to himself as he pulled open the bin and discarded of the half full bag and the two other bags he was carrying before collecting the contents from the floor.

‘Fantastic’ he growled again with anger as he realised that it was the bag containing the bathroom contents which had spilled and, amongst old tooth brushes and a sticky tube of toothpaste, he found something unusual. A digital pregnancy test which clearly read ‘POSITIVE’.

His breath caught in his throat as he picked it up, looking at it is somewhat stunned and surprised.

Was this really happening, he wondered?

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#Cillian Murphy x Reader #cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy imagine

[mostlysignssomeportents]

VICTORY! New Free File rules ban tax-prep firms from hiding their offerings, allow IRS to compete with them (a love-letter to Propublica)

Six months ago, Propublica began beating the drum about "Free File," a bizarre, corrupt arrangement between the IRS and the country's largest tax-prep firms that ended up costing the poorest people in America millions and millions of dollars, every single year.

The scam is one of those baroque, ultimately boring and complex stories that generally dies in the public imagination despite its urgency, because "boring and urgent" is the place where the worst people can do the worst things with the least consequences.

With that warning, here's a short summary: in most wealthy countries, the tax authority fills out your tax return for you, using the information your employer already has to file every time it pays your wages. If all the numbers look right to you, you just sign the bottom of the form and send it back, without paying a tax preparer. If, on the other hand, you want to claim extra deductions, or if something complicated is going on with your finances, you can throw away that free tax return and fill in a form from scratch, either on your own or with the help of a professional.

When Americans asked to have the same courtesy extended to them -- a move that would save the vast majority of Americans millions and millions of dollars they were currently paying to the likes of HR Block and Intuit/Turbotax, every single year of their entire working lives -- the tax-prep industry mobilized to kill the proposal. The industry (which is highly concentrated and dominated by a small handful of firms whose top execs have mostly done time in all their competitors' board rooms, making them into essentially one giant company whose different divisions have different shareholders) lobbied the IRS very hard, and won a resounding victory.

That victory is called "Free File." Under Free File, each tax prep company is required to serve a slice of working Americans with free, online tax-preparation. The arrangement was hailed as a victory for public-private partnerships, harnessing the efficiency of the private sector to perform this public duty of the state. Importantly, it meant that the IRS would not expand its headcount or budget, both of which had been slashed by successive right-wing presidents and their legislative enablers. The move was cheered by anti-tax extremists like Grover Nordquist, who was delighted by the "efficiency" of you saving a bunch of pieces of paper the government already had, typing them into an online form, and hoping that a company's website came up with the same calculations that the government had already made about your tax-bill.

Part of the Free File deal banned the IRS from creating a competing offer and it banned the IRS from advertising the existence of the program or telling people where to find the free offering.

As soon as the ink was dry on Free File, the tax-prep companies set about to sabotage it. Intuit -- a massive company led by a bizarre cult figure -- and its competitors hid their Free File offerings deep in their sites, and used the "robots.txt" system to instruct search engines to hide them. They took out search ads for the phrase "Free File" that directed users to paid offerings with the word "free" in their names. They created "Free File" systems that would make you go through hours of work entering your data before surprising you with a notice that you didn't qualify for Free File because you'd paid interest on a student loan (or some other normal thing) and then ask you if you wanted to pay to keep your work and finish your tax-return in the non-free system.

There's a simple name for this kind of activity: fraud.

But it was a fraud in plain sight, one that went on for years and years, and which created a stealth tax on the majority of Americans, which they had to remit not to the IRS, but to the tax-prep companies, which used the money to lobby to make it even harder to get away from handing them your money every year.

Enter Propublica, whose relentless reporting did the seemingly impossible: it made a complicated, boring important thing into something that millions of Americans cared about. Something they cared about so deeply that they actually managed to shame the IRS into taking action.

Remember, the IRS is an administrative agency, under the direct control of the Trump administration. That means its commander-in-chief is a guy who said dodging his taxes means that he's "smart." While the IRS has many good, hardworking staffers, it has also been demoralized and gutted by the right, who have convinced millions of poor people that it's somehow in their interests if it's easier for rich people to duck their taxes.

Despite all this, the IRS has enacted new Free File rules: first, these rules ban tax-prep companies from hiding their Free File offerings, and it bans them from using deceptive names for non-Free File offerings (Turbotax will no longer be allowed to confuse Americans by offering "Turbotax Free" -- which is not free -- as a competitor to "Turbotax Free File," which is).

Second, the rule allows the IRS to develop its own competing Free File product, which means that the government agency that already knows how much tax you owe will allow you to review its findings each year and then either challenge them, or simply click OK, without paying a single cent of tax to Intuit or HR Block, and free you from filling in lengthy, bureaucratic forms.

This outcome is nothing short of miraculous: it did not come as the result of Congressional action. It did not come as the result of the Trump administration's inattention (the release came out the same day that the Trump administration revised its tax rules to allow money launderers to retain billions in the loot they've stashed offshore).

It came about as the result of fucking journalism. Propublica wrote its way into a better world, with relentless, deep, accessible reporting that made this boring, important thing come to life.

I am sympathetic to the idea that talking about politics isn't doing politics, but that's not entirely true. Learning about what's going on and telling the people you know about it and getting them to tell others is part of how we make change. Propublica's excellent reporting wouldn't have mattered if people hadn't read it -- and talked about it.

And Propublica has done this repeatedly over the past year, deeply reporting on naked, grotesque corruption in ways so vivid and undeniable that they actually changed things, and not in some abstract, boring way, but in ways that matter to the immediate, lived experience of real people who had been brutalized and poisoned and jailed and mistreated with impunity, for years, until Propublica wrote about it.

Here are some examples, just from the stories I paid attention to this year (Propublica does so much good work that I can't manage to cover all of it):

* Reformed South Carolina's "magistrate judge" system that let "judges" with no legal background and less training than barbers sentence poor people (most of them Black) to prison in defiance of their constitutional rights;

* Dismantled Illinois's system of Quiet Rooms where special ed kids were put into solitary confinement, sometimes for days at a time;

* Shamed a "Christian" hospital into ending its practice of suing thousands of patients, many of them its own employees, for inability to pay their medical debts, and forcing it to jettison the private army of debt collectors it kept on its payroll.

* Killed an Illinois scam whereby affluent parents temporarily gave up custody of their own children so they could steal college grants earmarked for poor children;

* Got two Louisiana cops fired for encouraging people to murder Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez;

In addition, Propublica has done lots of reporting that hasn't yet created political transformations, but has changed our debate and laid the groundwork for change to come: called attention to the penniless hero of the ransomware epidemic; discredited a "walking polygraph" system used by police forces to frame their preferred suspects with sheer junk science; documented the link between pharma company bribes and doctors' prescribing; named every former lobbyist in the Trump administration; tracked every penny of the 2008 bailout money; documented Wayne LaPierre's self-dealing from the NRA's war-chests; documented the grifty conservative PACs that scammed millions out of scared old white people with racist Obama conspiracies and then kept the money for themselves; published a blockbuster story on the theft of southern Black families' ancestral lands through a legal grift called "heirs' property"; debunked the "aggression detection" mics being installed in America's classrooms; outed a "ransomware consultant" that was working with ransomware crooks to simply pay the ransom, while pretending that they were able to get you your files back without enriching the crooks who locked them up; named and shamed Alabama sheriffs who lost their re-election bids and then spent thousands of public dollars on frisbees or stole discretionary funds, or destroyed food earmarked for prisoners, or drilled holes in all the department computers' hard-drives in a form of "vindictive hazing"; followed the payday lender industry to a Trump hotel where it staged an annual conference, funneling millions to the president's personal accounts shortly before Trump reversed Obama's curbs on predatory lending; documented how TSA body-scanners single out Black women for humiliating, discriminatory hair-searches; revealed the secret history of wealthy people destroying the IRS's Global High Wealth Unit; and did outstanding work on the Sackler family, a group of billionaire opioid barons whose products kickstarted the opioid epidemic that has now claimed more American lives than the Vietnam war.

2019 was a dumpster-fire of a year and 2020 could be worse -- or it could be the dawn that breaks after our darkest hour. Finding Propublica's victory lap on Free File on New Year's Day was just the sunrise I needed to give me hope for the year to come. Sometimes, simply finding the truth and telling it to the people can make a change.

I'm a Propublica donor, and an avid reader. I admit that sometimes when I see that PP has published another 15,000-word expose, I am slightly dismayed at the thought that I'm about to lose 1-2 hours of my life to digesting and writing up the new story, but that dismay is always overcome by excitement at the thought that they have turned over a new rock and found something genuinely awful beneath it, and that, with all our help, we can sterilize that foetid sludge with blazing sunshine.

https://boingboing.net/2019/12/31/go-propublica-go.html

[negasonicimagines]

Revelation; Part One

warnings/kinks: a/b/o (if you’re penis-repulsed this isn’t for you), smut (duh), brief daddy kink, even briefer mommy kink, cum-eating, cum-marking, cockwarming? (does it count if it’s a/b/o?), light bloodplay, borderline somniphilia (consensual), poisoning, suicidal ideation, allusions to cheating, mentions of conversion therapy, vague mentions of s*xual ass*ult (it doesn’t actually happen in the story, it’s just referred to a lot due to the nature of this universe)

uh… this is another one of those stories that’s just kinda Heavy, please be careful & don’t continue reading if doing so is unsafe for you. I have a variety of other works that don’t have such intense themes, which you can find on my masterlist!

request (+details): Omegaverse: Alphas Yukio and Ellie with a beta reader, but it turns out that reader is a late-bloomer omega who goes into her first heat unexpectedly. / Omegaverse: The setting could be anywhere. The three of them waking up with reader burning hot, believing to be sick but is actually going into heat. The reader could be by themselves when it happens and her alphas come home to a omega in heat / I can’t get this omegaverse idea out of my head, and I hope you don’t mind me telling you this. Reader being alone and confused when her heat came, her alphas gone on a mission. During the time they were gone, Reader made a nest of her alphas’s clothes out of instinct on their bed. By the time Yukio and Ellie returned, Reader is a hot mess from trying to get off, moaning their names and begging for her alphas to help her for she don’t know why she feels like this and is scared.)

synopsis: After Wade discovers you're dealing with suicidal thoughts, he takes it upon himself to help you out, leading to one disaster after another.

author’s note: thank you so much to the lovely anon who requested this for spending so much time with me & making sure everything was juuuust right! Fun fact: we pined, started dating, and broke up, started dating again, and broke up again all before this was published 🙃 sorry everybody, it’s been a rocky road for the past… forever.

Standing guard after school for a few extra bucks is a pretty sweet deal, you have to admit. You mostly just sit around with a pair of binoculars munching on your snack of choice, using a gun loaded with tranquilizer darts to drop anyone who threatens the safety of the school and its residents. If given permission, or an order to do so, you can use your bow and arrow to really take down your enemies.

You’re pretty lucky in life overall, you also have to admit, with two alpha girlfriends and a variety of friends and acquaintances, not to mention the advantages your mutation gives you.

It makes you feel even more guilty for what you’re really thinking about right now. Not Ellie, not Yukio, not keeping an eye out for threats, nothing but a simple question:

Would it be more efficient to slit your wrists with the point of one of your arrows, or to fling yourself from the top of this turret? Which would hurt worse? You look from the sharp arrow you hold in your hand to the plush grass below, managed by some of the other students.

It’s far cheaper to pay students to maintain the yard and house, not to mention it gives students like you a way of earning the kind of spending money that other students receive from their parents or from jobs in town. Your post would be snatched up in no time if you were to pass.

Speaking of parents.

Your father’s exact words to your mother were “I hate that you use a highschool mistake to keep me trapped with you forever!” the last time you happened to hear them argue. They were no longer invited to parent-teacher conferences after that.

It’s a fine reason for him to be angry, but, unfortunately, you’re the highschool mistake he was talking about. The one he’s always talking about whenever they fight. Maybe if you were gone, he’d finally be free. Maybe you’d finally be free from his resentment. He, fortunately enough, rarely lashes out at you directly; however… There’s always been a distance.

Would he love you more if you were gone? If you saved him from… Well, you? You’ve always wanted him to love you, to look at you with something other than anger or resentment. Would he finally be proud of you, for owning up to every horrible thing you are and have done by paying the ultimate price? Would everyone?

You’re holding the bladed tip of the arrow right against your wrist, almost like a normal person might hold a bracelet to their wrist -- trying it on for size, without really thinking about it.

Suddenly, though, Wade’s here. And he’s definitely thinking about it. He yanks the arrow out of your hand, accidentally snapping the wood that makes up its length.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I- Uh, I don’t know,” you mumble, embarrassed, because you honestly don’t. Being alone with your thoughts gives them the space to grow from their poisoned roots into something dark you don’t really recognize as yours.

“You- You don’t know?!” Wade questions, and the unusual severity of his tone stuns you to the point of laughter. “This isn’t fucking funny, what the hell is wrong with you? Why were you-?! What were you-?! What the fuck are you doing?!”

“I’m standing guard. What the fuck are you doing?” you echo dryly, resorting to quips to avoid telling him any more than he already knows.

“I’m freaking out! I can’t kill you for apparently wanting to kill you, so that’s all I can do! I thought you were on antidepressants!”

“I am. Have been for years. They don’t cure depression, they make it easier to manage.”

“Apparently fucking not! Come on, let’s go talk to somebody and get you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You’ve been on the same prescription all these years, right? Maybe you just need your dosage upped.” Wade’s not asking, he’s telling, his hand wrapped around your bicep to pull you along, although his grip isn’t as tight as you’d expect for a man of his stature, let alone an alpha.

Why does he care so much? He’s always so gentle, even when you piss him off like this. Tears well up in your eyes but you blink hard. You know he’s been through worse. That most people here have. You have no right to cry.

Wade yells at a surprised Charles Xavier until an appointment is set up, which goes pretty well. Four days after that incident, you meet with the psychiatrist who agrees that upping your dosage is the smartest decision, frankly, she’s surprised it wasn’t done sooner. And, after about a week of your new dosage level, you’re feeling better than ever.

Way better.

“You… You’d really wanna do that? For everyone to know I’m yours?”

Ellie nods, cheeks darkened. You’re straddling her, and the two of you have been trading heated kisses with Yukio. Who would’ve thought more of the medication you were sure killed your libido before you could even develop one would be what rescued it?

“Of course we would. I know you don’t like to stereotype, but some of the stereotypes have truth to them. We’re… Territorial,” Yukio reminds you.

“I’m… A beta,” you remind her in a teasing echo of her tone.

“Our beta,” Ellie cuts back in. “Absolutely perfect.”

“Even if I’d rather not let you guys, y’know…” Your hand rubs at the space between your neck and your shoulder - where they’d likely mark you with their teeth - nervously. “...today? Or go farther than what we’re doing right now?”

“Of course, baby! The fact that you’ve even done this much…” Yukio trails off, looking over you. Your lips are swollen and still slightly parted as you continue to pant a little. The top few buttons of your (well, borrowed from Ellie) flannel are undone.

“We’re so grateful, and so proud of you,” Ellie continues, drawing your attention back to her. “We’re willing to wait as long as you need, even if that waiting only ends because you’ve decided that being with us like that isn’t something you want.”

“I do. I always have, I just… I don’t know.”

“The feeling’s still there, in your stomach, right?” Yukio wonders.

“Yeah, a little. It’s like… I know it’s not wrong, but something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe I should just try to ignore it, I mean, you two have needs-”

“Hey. You know better than that, Y/N. We don’t, okay, babe? Not like that. We wanna have sex with you, not- Not hurt you. You understand that, right?” Ellie reassures you.

“I do, I just feel bad for being such a- I don’t know, a tease?”

“We love you. As in, you. If you forced yourself to do something you didn’t want to, just for us, how would we forgive ourselves?” Yukio says what she’s said a million times, but every time it surprises you. You tend to see yourself as only being valuable in what you can offer others— protection, a laugh, some good advice every now and then —you never expect anyone to care for you outside of that. But here they are. Absolutely perfect.

And you were thinking of flinging yourself off a tower a couple weeks ago. Should you tell them? They just think you went for an overdue checkup, which is technically the case. You don’t know what’s worse, hiding it or telling them. You’ll have to talk to Wade, he’s good at giving advice. Might not be good advice, but he’s definitely good at giving it.

“Everything okay, sharpshooter?” Ellie hands gently squeeze your hips to get your attention.

You blink back out of your thoughts, smiling a little and blushing at the nickname.

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry, I just zoned out. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Everything okay?” your alphas ask, again, in unison. Your alphas. They probably couldn’t handle it if you had a problem they couldn’t solve, the guilt of not being able to provide for you would overwhelm them.

“Yeah, totally,” you reply, because it is, now, especially here with them. Ellie starts to button up your flannel.

“Oh, we don’t have to-”

Ellie gives you a pointed look, then looks down at her crotch, then back up at you. Your blush deepens.

“Yeah, I’m guessing a cold shower’s in order,” Yukio agrees. “El, you can go first.”

“We can’t go together?” Ellie asks.

“Well, I don’t wanna leave Y/N alone. Our brave little beta did a lot more than usual. Don’t want you to feel used, baby,” Yukio explains to you both.

“Oh, duh,” Ellie agrees. You give her a quick smooch on the forehead before dismounting her and allowing yourself to be pulled into Yukio’s arms. Ellie grabs some clean clothes and heads off. As soon as the door shuts, Yukio giggles, and you look to her with a curious, confused expression.

“Now you’re all mine to cuddle.” Yukio gloats, kissing the top of your head. “Mm… You smell really good, babe. New shampoo?”

“Ish, yeah,” you agree, despite the fact that you started using it nearly a month ago at this point. Maybe the body heat you built up from the makeout session made it smell stronger, though.

Yukio keeps sniffing you, but you don’t call her out on it. She’s a little bit quirky, sure, but there’s no need to make her feel self-conscious about it when the tickling sensation feels kinda nice. She tosses in a few soft presses of her lips against your skin, too, so it’s not like she’s the only one who benefits.

Yukio eventually stops this, though, instead requesting to scent you. You’ve told the girls before that they don’t have to ask, but they— especially Yukio —seem to prefer to. You figure it’s likely to reassure them that you not only tolerate but appreciate their alphahood.

“I love you, you know that? Not just ‘cause you make me smell like petrichor. I’m surprised Ellie doesn’t spend all day huffing your scent, I… I know I would, if I could smell it.” You didn’t mean for the sad envy to ring so clearly in your words, but it’s as sharp as a knife, cutting deep enough to make Yukio gasp softly with sympathy as she rubs your wrist against her scent gland, eyes snapping open.

“Well, next time it’s about to rain, we’ll go outside, then. Every time it’s about to rain,” Yukio insists. “Who- Who told you?”

“Wade. I was just curious. He said Ellie smells like a campfire, the scent even clings like it. He even said I smell a little weird. Most betas smell like something, but I’m just… A blank canvas.”

You feel her rumble a bit with a growl, and her arms wrap tightly around you… Protectively? You blush.

“Y-Yukio?” you nervously ask, caught off guard. Ellie’s usually more of the growling type. Yukio’s pretty good about keeping her possessiveness and any other “negative” alpha traits in check. This side of her doesn’t come out often.

“What was he doing that close to you?” she snarls protectively, and if the growl wasn’t enough to get your heart racing, that was. “Sm- Smelling you?”

“Yukes, Wade’s the same age as my parents. Honestly, he’s- He’s kinda- He’s nice to me. We’re friends. I think if he was going to hurt me, he would’ve done it by now. You two keep forgetting I’m just a beta. No one wants a piece of this pie except for you and Ellie.”

“You’d be surprised at the way some alphas… It’s sick, but they- Because betas, you know, they don’t really produce slick like omegas do, and they don’t have quite as much give, uh… So, some alphas, um, they… Just let me hold you, okay?” Yukio requests. ��I can’t talk about it, it’ll make me too mad.”

“I respect that. Thank you. I, uh, I didn’t realize that at all, so thank you for helping me be even safer,” you reassure her. She’s trembling. “Do you want me to hold you, instead?”

“No, no, this will make me feel better. I just… I love you. Can you just…? Just- Just say you’re mine.” This is a request Yukio has semi-often. When she feels weak in comparison to other alphas, when she feels overshadowed by Ellie, any time she needs reassurance or is just feeling bad, she’ll probably ask. You get it, being hers (and Ellie’s, of course) makes you feel better, too.

“I’m yours, Yukio. Always yours. You make me so happy, both of you. Happier than- You make me feel so-“ You get a bit choked up. These girls, these alphas… They’re so important to you.

“Oh, no, baby, please don’t cry,” Yukio implores, watching your eyes water. You turn so that your face doesn’t just rest on her chest but is buried in it.

“It’s just that no one ever loved me before you two. No one, ever. Not my parents, not my ’friends,’ no one. I don’t know why I’ve been so emotional lately, I’m sorry.”

“No one at all?” Yukio questions, but that’s the missing puzzle piece, she realizes. You’re always treating hers and Ellie’s love for you like it’s something you have to earn, no matter how much they insist being yourself is enough. She fully grasps now that it’s never been enough before.

She holds you even tighter.

“Mm-mm,” you confirm, shaking your head a little. “You and Ellie just mean the whole world to me. And- And… Wade’s my friend, too. Can I still, y’know, spend time with him?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I just- He’s a nice guy, but… I don’t want him to put you in danger. You can handle yourself, though. Can’t you, sharpshooter?” Her fingers trickle up your ribs as she says the nickname, making you giggle and squirm.

“Absolutely, but it is nice to have two strong, sexy alphas take care of me instead every now and then,” you admit, albeit a bit teasingly, blushing softly. You turn back so that you can see her adorable face.

“Really?” Yukio asks, but she knows.

“Really,” you agree with a smile.

“I’m yours, too. You know that, right?” Yukio checks, fiddling with your hair a bit.

“Mhm. It’s nice to hear you say it like that, though.”

“I can think of other ways you might like to hear it,” Yukio flirts.

“Yeah, you think so? Show me,” you tease back.

“I will…” Yukio trails off as she trails her finger along your jaw, tipping your head up to the perfect kissing angle and- “Eventually, little beta.”

“I- I’m taller than you,” you weakly protest.

“Your breath still hitched,” Yukio reminds you with a giggle and a gentle tap on the tip of your nose.

You stutter a little more before giving up, burying your face again and whining.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I just can’t help myself. You’re too cute,” Yukio half-heartedly apologizes, still chuckling to herself as she strokes your back.

Ellie returns from her shower, inky tendrils of hair ruffled around but with no product in.

“She’s asleep?” Ellie asks, sounding a bit disappointed, but there’s still a significant amount of fondness in her tone.

“She’s not,” you mumble back, and both girls chuckle, Yukio untangling herself from you. You can’t help but pout a little, already missing the bubblegum-haired alpha.

“I know Yukio’s your favorite, but you could at least act a little bit happy to see me,” Ellie half-jokes, and you smile, pulling (though she doesn’t give any resistance) the girl back into your bed. She holds you the same way Yukio did, but you don’t really mind the lack of variety.

“You’re both my favorite,” you argue. Ellie takes a deep breath, likely taking in the way you’re completely embraced by Yukio’s scent.

“I don’t think that’s how favorites work,” she chuckles.

“Out of all the people in the world, you two are both my favorite,” you insist. She takes the hand you have resting on her ribcage and holds it inches from her scent gland. “Please,” you say, before she can even ask. Ellie takes a whiff again.

“Did she leave anywhere untouched?” She wonders.

“N-not really,” you stutter, because now you’re thinking of where she didn’t touch you.

“Well, she’ll have to share a little, then,” Ellie says.

You hum with delight as she scents you.

“You make a new friend?” Ellie questions.

“Huh?”

“You smell… Different,” she responds, looking at you… Well, differently. “Like roses.”

“I have a new-ish shampoo?” You offer, but that just seems to intensify the look.

Your phone rings. It’s Wade. You wriggle out of Ellie’s loose hold on you, answering.

“Hey, you know how I’m your academic advisor?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Well, apparently, thwarting your suicide attempts isn’t my only job. I also have to tell you when they need you in the office, which is now.”

“Seriously?! I didn’t even throw that pencil at Richard, and even if I did, he deserved it for being such a-“

“Oh, right! Should’ve opened with the good news. Your parents are here to visit.”

“What?! That’s-“ You sigh, not wanting to alarm Ellie any more than you already have. “Okay. I’ll be there. Just give me a second to get dressed.”

“Wow, no shame at all. I salute you. Toodles!” Wade hangs up before you realize he misunderstood you.

“What’s wrong?” Ellie asks.

“Nothing, just… My parents are here.”

“Your… Parents?”

“Kind of have to have those to exist, usually,” you remark, and she snorts.

“I know- I- Well, we’ve known each other for a while, and you don’t really talk about them, so I sort of assumed…” Ellie trails off.

“Oh, um, yeah, no, they’re very alive,” you confirm with an awkward chuckle.

“Right. I’ll go get ‘Kio, and we’ll all go, okay?”

“Uh- Um- Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“My parents, they kind of… They- I love you. And I’m not ashamed of you.”

“But they’ll be ashamed of you,” Ellie understands.

“I haven’t seen them in so long, they don’t even know that I like girls, let alone that I’m dating two, or that they’re both alphas… I want you and Yukio to come with me, but, if they start to- If they’re how they are, I-“

“Give my energy to helping you instead of hurting them,” Ellie uses Piotr’s words.

“Perfect,” you agree, and Ellie smiles back, but it falters. You didn’t mean to worry her so much.

“I’ll go get Yukio. You get changed, okay?”

“Mhm,” you agree, and she heads off to the bathroom. You steal one of Ellie’s band tees and an oversized cardigan of Yukio’s for comfort, finding a pair of high-waisted bottoms to tuck the tee shirt in. You throw on a pair of sneakers, and when the girls emerge from the bathroom, you pop in to freshen up.

Once you’re done, Yukio’s caught up on the situation and the three of you make your way to the front offices.

Wade meets you outside.

“Oh em gee, Y/N, you’ll never believe it, I actually went to high school with both of your parents.”

“Uh… Cool?” You respond, because you’re not entirely sure how to.

“Yeah, uh, I get now that it’s probably not really good news that they’re here, huh? No wonder I found you doing that the other day.”

“Doing what?” Yukio and Ellie ask, though for some reason, Ellie’s is tinged with suspicion, maybe even anger.

“I- Listen, it’s not a big deal, I got my prescription updated and all that good stuff, okay?” You prime them. “I was thinking about killing myself the other day and Wade caught me.”

“Thinking?! You’re gonna call holding the fucking tip of an arrow to your wrist thinking?!”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ellie sounds as angry as Wade does, but she looks pained. This is why you didn’t tell them.

“Hey, she doesn’t need this right now,” Yukio argues, but she looks hurt, too.

“I mean, I was just considering if it would be more painful than jumping off of the turret,” you mumble, your defense embarrassingly weak.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Ellie decides, and Yukio nods. You three follow Wade to Xavier’s office. Wade breezes in, but you’re practically stuck in the doorway, nervous to look at even the backs of their heads, before they turn around.

“Y/N,” your mom says with a grin, but you know all too well how fake that is. She approaches you, pulls you into a hug, and you want nothing more than to push her away and scrub yourself clean. She doesn’t really love you. The second you speak out of turn, or make a mistake, or give her any excuse, she’ll remind you of your worth. (Or, rather, the lack thereof.)

She slips back into her seat next to your father, in front of the desk where Xavier sits, simply observing.

“It’s been so long,” your father says, but his smile is almost blatantly fake. “Your hair, it’s different.”

“Like you said, it’s been a while,” you say, giving a grimace and an awkward chuckle.

“I don’t think I like it,” he says, like he’s giving his opinion on a sculpture in an art exhibit by some long-dead artist who doesn’t care what he thinks. Like it’s something just… Objective.

“Not sure what to do about that,” you reply sheepishly.

You don’t fully realize that you’re holding Ellie’s hand until she squeezes it reassuringly, three times. A secret code. You step further in to make room for the girls.

“So, uh, I have to ask… Why the sudden visit?”

“Well, we got an e-mail about your medicine, and we wanted to come check on you. Make sure this is the right environment for you,” your mother explains.

“You weren’t sure before you stopped talking to me for two years?” You half-joke, playing dumb.

“Has it really been two years?” A normal person would be asking this rhetorically, and they’d be embarrassed. Your mother, though, is simply trying to gaslight you.

“Longer,” you assure her.

“I thought this place was supposed to provide conversion therapy,” your father says, eyeing your hand, then Ellie’s other hand. “You’re such a fucking liar,” he hisses to your mother.

“Wow, maybe my mom dying when I was young was for the best. Better than this for sure,” Wade jokes, gently elbowing your side. You chuckle, grateful for even the slightest ounce of comic relief.

“You’re even more of a freak than you were in high school.” You squeeze Ellie’s hand tight as your father’s expression darkens even further.

“Funny you should say that, considering-“

“Wade,” your mother cuts him off.

That’s weird, to say the least. You just file that away for later. You have bigger fish to fry, like surviving this visit.

“Y/N, why’d you go for a check-up at all? You barely needed the anti-depressants in the first place,” your mother wonders.

“Because it wasn’t barely. Why else would they raise the dosage?” You ask, and the expression on her face is as stupid as the question she asked.

“Don’t speak to her that way,” your father scolds, like he didn’t just call your mother a fucking liar himself. “You are so ungrateful for everything we’ve done for you, do you realize that?”

“I’m sorry, what have you done for her, exactly? Answer quickly, please,” Ellie retorts.

“El-“ you start, but realize this isn’t anger, but advocacy.

“Well, we sheltered and fed her for over a decade,” your father remarks, smirking like he’s won.

“That’s your job!” Wade argues.

“Mr. and Mrs. L/N… I politely asked that you refrain from visiting the campus, and while I appreciate your concern for Y/N’s well-being, I must ask that you remain respectful of her, her fellow students, and my staff. Causing unnecessary conflict is exactly the reason you were almost banned when you last visited,” Professor Xavier finally speaks.

“Almost banned?!” Wade wheezes.

“Yeah,” you sigh, and Wade’s laughter immediately ceases. “I was cheating in school, according to- To Dad.” The word is poison in your mouth.

“Come on, we all know you’re not smart enough to get those grades on your own. Probably screwing some teacher, just like Mom.”

“That’s enough,” Ellie snarls, eyes glowing orange.

“I never screwed a teacher!” Your mother protests at the same time.

“Oh, that’s right, you just blew Mr. Morin. My bad. Wow, Y/N, you really must be something special for all these alphas to be fawning over you. Maybe I did fuck up once or twice, after all, I’ve heard daddy issues-“

“Well, you visited! Now get the fuck out,” Wade chirps.

“Mr. L/N, must I repeat myself? I know you and Mrs. L/N were interested in a tour. Perhaps a less crowded area would help ease your minds,” Xavier reminds you all of his presence once more.

“That sounds like a great idea,” your father agrees.

“I’m starting to get a bit of a headache, maybe you could show us your room first and I could lie down for a bit in there?”

“I-“ You look to the girls, not wanting them to have to deal with her alone.

“Actually, Miss Phimister and Miss Kitsuna would be perfect additions to a rescue team. The orphanage your friend Russell came from was actually part of a network for mutant trafficking, and we found another hub in Maine. The jet takes off in fifteen minutes, and you two will be back in time for dinner. Better get ready and briefed.”

“But-“ Yukio starts, looking to you.

“Go, be superheroes,” you tell them, and they head out. “Uh, how about we swing by the library first, to give them time to change, and then to our room?”

“You share a room with them? Somehow, I’m not surprised.”

“We were roommates before we started dating,” you correct him.

“Dating… Aw, I bet you really think that’s what it is, too. Having parents in a sham of a marriage really did a number on you, huh?” Your father condescends.

“You know, it’s pretty fucked up how fixated you are on her sexuality. Do you like to picture it, you goddamn creep?” Wade defends you, and your skin crawls. You’d never thought of it that way before.

“Let’s just get that tour started, ‘kay?” You squeak. The sooner you get this over with, the sooner they’ll be on their way, hopefully.

“Good idea, Y/N,” Wade says. “Come on, Textbook, let’s go.”

“You didn’t just call me-“

“Oh, but I did, Textbook. Hey, Y/N, did you know that was your dad’s nickname in highschool? ‘Cause he was so fuckin’ easy to shove in a locker.”

You cover your mouth with your hand, trying not to laugh and failing.

“Just show us the library already, Y/N,” your mother says, pinching the bridge of her nose.

You take your parents to the library, as requested. Wade keeps pace with you while your parents fall back. You can’t hear their exact words, but you know your parents are bickering.

“You never said it was this bad.”

“It’s not that bad. It’s definitely been worse,” you admit, busying your eyes with the paintings that line the walls so that you don’t have to meet Wade’s gaze. You might just cry if you do; you can feel the sympathy radiating off of him.

In these past few months, Wade’s been more of a father than your dad, even more of a mother than your mom, but for some reason that doesn’t make you feel more justified in how you feel about your parents. In fact, it just makes you feel worse, and even if you’ve never actually expressed it, you’re still ashamed of the fact that you wish Wade was your father instead. He actually cares, while your parents are simply legally obligated.

From the day you met, Wade’s always been there for you. If you were to tell your parents what you almost did the other day, they’d just call you attention-seeking and insult you in other ways. All they’d do is make you want to try again.

You and Wade stop at the entrance to the library and wait for your parents to catch up. They do, and you open the double doors to reveal the room.

“It’s like Beauty and the Beast,” your mother gapes.

“I thought so, too,” you agree, attempting a smile, but your parents just ignore you, wandering around the large room. Your mother excuses herself after a few minutes of spinning, saying that the dizziness is making her headache worse.

“All these books and you’re still… The way you are,” your father comments, looking at you with such disdain.

“Winner of the science fair with her loving partners, three years in a row?” Wade questions. “Oh, or maybe you’re talking about the fact that she’s a published poet. How embarrassing for you, I’m sure.”

“Wade,” you protest under your breath, embarrassed. They don’t even know that stuff. After middle school, you stopped telling them about your accomplishments. You figured out that all they’d do is ruin them for you.

“No, no, trust me. It’s more about the fact that she’s slutting around with alphas and won’t even save us the embarrassment of them being girls,” you father spats.

“That’s enough,” Wade snarls.

“Oh, that’s right, we can’t forget that she’s yours, too. I guess anything with a dick is daddy considering I was too busy putting food on the table to play dollies,” he remarks, and you suddenly feel light-headed.

“Seriously, Textbook, I really don’t want to hurt you, especially not in front of Y/N, but I fucking will if you make me.”

“Just go,” you urge Wade, starting to feel a bit dizzy, surely from the stress. You brace yourself on him, disguising it as a touch meant to comfort him. He looks concerned as the edges of your vision start to darken a little.“I- What you’re doing, I appreciate it, but-“

“You appreciate it? You appreciate him disrespecting me, disrespecting our family?!”

“Our family?!” You finally snap. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me, and you couldn’t do that. You just couldn’t. And now we’re a family?! No. No, you…” You start to pant, your face feeling even hotter than before. “You… I hate you,” you manage to get out before your world goes completely dark.

“Fuck yeah, Y/N! I’m so prou-“

But when Wade turns to you, you’re halfway to the ground. He catches you, though, and he catches a whiff of something… Familiar.

Lavender. It’s not just the Wilson scent, sure, but it’d be too much of a coincidence. You smell just like him. You are him, or, rather, made of him.

He’s torn between ecstatic and furious.

“Hey, can we get some help over here?” your father calls out to no one. It’s not a school day, and lots of students are out on missions. He reaches out to you for once in your life, but Wade’s now sitting on the floor, cradling you in his arms.

“No,” Wade argues. “Not yours. Mine.”

“What?” You father asks incredulously. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“She’s. Not. Yours,” Wade repeats, and the more he inhales your scent, the more out of control yet calm he feels. Like he’s in the eye of a hurricane. “My baby. Mine.”

“You’re not saying…” your father trails off as Wade gets up, still cradling you. Wade has to take you to your room; help make you a nest, now. He can smell it on you.

You’re in heat.

He gets to your room quickly, practically tossing you onto your bed. Wait… Isn’t your mom supposed to be here?

And that’s when he hears the sound of pills spilling onto the floor.

He nearly rips the bathroom door off of its hinges. Luckily, your mother spilled what Wade quickly realizes is suppressants, and not your prescription.

“You. You could’ve killed her. You are very, very lucky that my baby-“

“Our baby,” your mother corrects.

“No, you take pills, you can’t even smell her, let alone feel her like I can. It- It’s so much it fucking hurts. I’ll say it again, you’re very lucky my baby is in heat, or your arteries would be emptying in that shower. Now, go. Don’t come back.”

You groan in pain, stirring, and your mother takes Wade’s advice. Wade calls Yukio. Then Ellie. Then Yukio. Then Ellie.

“What the fuck, dude?!”

“You need to turn around. Now. I don’t have the time to explain. It’s Y/N.”

“Is she okay?” Ellie, always skeptical, asks.

“Obviously fucking not, or I wouldn’t be calling. She’s in heat.”

“But-“

“I said that I don’t have time to explain, fucking turn around! I’m on the verge of going fucking feral, Ellie. You both need to get here, now.”

“Wade, get out,” Ellie immediately demands.

“I can’t,” he admits.

“Get out! Shit, Wolverine! We need to turn around!”

“I can’t. It’s not like that I swear, it’s… I’m going fucking crazy, just one of you will do, but someone needs to get here.”

“Wade, go.”

“I would never hurt her! Come home!” Wade barks before hanging up. He returns to your room to find you’ve made a nest instinctively - thank goodness for Yukio’s affinity for pillows and blankets - and now you’re curled up in pain in the center of it.

“Wade,” you whimper. He’s scared to step closer, not sure if he’s what you want, even if you despise who you thought was your father. “What’s happening to me? Everything hurts.”

“I really don’t know how to say this, but… You’re in heat.”

“But I’m a beta,” you argue, wrapping your arms around yourself.

“That’s what we all thought. But… Remember how you didn’t smell like anything before? Uh, let me start over. When did you start on your anti-depressants?”

“I was about twelve,” you confirm, not sure what that means.

“Yeah, I think those were suppressants. That it’s always been suppressants, no matter what the bottles said. Until you got a prescription without your mother knowing. Do you understand why your mother would do that?”

You shake your head, and he approaches the bed, sitting down carefully as not to disturb your work.

“Her boyfriend around the time she got pregnant with you was a beta. We know him as Textbook,” Wade teases, before continuing: “But, what no one realizes is that he was at Niagara Falls on spring break around the time when you were conceived, and she was hanging out with her next-door neighbor the whole time. Her next-door neighbor was me.”

“Oh, so I’m your highschool mistake,” you say, connecting the dots.

“Huh?”

“Ha, well, whenever my parents- Well, I guess not my parents, but that’s beside the point, uh, whenever they argue and it gets really bad, my father- Well, not my father, but, uh-“

“Continue,” Wade urges.

“Basically, sometimes he uses ‘a mistake I made in highschool’ as code for ‘Y/N,’” you explain. “But the truth is, I’m the mistake you made in highschool.”

“You’re not a mistake,” he disagrees. “You’re- You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Lots of things are made by accident, but that doesn’t make them mistakes! Penicillin, potato chips, Post-It notes, popsicles! They were never supposed to exist but they do and the world is much better off with them in it.”

“You really do have a lot of useless knowledge,” you realize.

“So do you, that’s why our team always wins trivia night.” Wade slips off his boots, joining you in your rearranged bed. “C’mere,” he suggests, guiding your head to his neck.

“S’really you,” you mumble, already weary, and Wade worries for what’s to come. He almost doesn’t even want to let the girls in. He could get you pain medicine, he could probably even find sedatives. Then no one would ever be able to even touch you, let alone hurt you. “Lavender. You never mentioned the lavender, just the sandalwood.”

“I didn't think you’d be impressed,” Wade admits.

“It’s relaxing,” you tell him. “It’s nice to have things in common with someone.”

“You smell like roses, too, not just lavender,” he makes sure you know.

“Yeah, but I think that’s mostly concentrated in an area I’d rather not discuss with you.”

“Well, just make sure that if you do decide to do anything more with them than cuddle, which I can gladly go through the rest of my life without knowing, bee-tee-dubs, that the girls are wearing alpha condoms, especially if one of them knots you. Standard condoms work in a pinch if it’s just for one, y’know, go, but for heats they’re basically useless because of everything I just said. If they hurt you, I will make their deaths look like accidents.”

“S’not like I can get pregnant anyway…” You mumble, embarrassed. “I’m- I’m really glad it’s you. I- I wished so many times that it was you instead of him. Ow, ugh, that one was bad,” you groan, massaging your stomach.

Meanwhile, on the jet, Ellie is furious with herself.

“Yukio, you don’t get it, I smelled her. She smelled like an omega, but I thought- I assumed she was cheating on us. That maybe she didn’t want to be with us like that was because she wanted to- I don’t know, to be on top? It seems so stupid now.”

“Hey, I noticed she smelled different, too. There were other signs we both missed, anyways. Think about how emotional she’s been lately, or how much farther we’ve been going in other ways. How clingy she’s been, too.”

“I guess I didn’t really notice it because I liked her being more open and needing us more,” Ellie admits. “She- She almost fucking killed herself. And I thought cheating was what she was hiding. I- I just-“

“You can’t beat yourself up over it,” Yukio insists. “We’re on our way back, and Wade’s there to protect her.”

Speaking of Wade being there to protect you, he continues to comfort you as the pain gets worse.

“S’too hot,” you complain, and he releases you from his hold, rising from the bed. He knows he’ll have to leave you soon, because you’re likely going to need privacy before the girls get home, but it’s hard to part from you knowing you’re in pain.

“I’m gonna get you some water, okay? And after that, I’m just gonna stand guard outside the door until your girls get here. I know there’s some stuff you need to do, and that’s only gonna get worse.”

“It’s already awful,” you admit, and he chuckles.

“Good luck, kid. I love you.”

Wade gets a case of bottled water from the school’s industrial-sized pantry, bringing it to your room and tearing it open for you before leaving once more. You take one, immediately guzzling it down.

In privacy, you take off Yukio’s cardigan and your bottoms, leaving you in Ellie’s tee shirt and your underwear. You decide to go ahead and free yourself from the constriction that is your bra, feeling a bit embarrassed that you’re not leaving much to the girls’ imagination for your first time together. You eventually decide to undress completely, wondering when the hell your girls are gonna get here.

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