#Horrible person wonderful character I cannot wait to see how things keep going wrong for him forever

[askatriangleandastar]

SAMS!Eclipse: A Study of Fragmentation of Self and the Counter-productive Measures to Heal

It is past 3am and by insomnia i am compelled to get this down (probably to sort out in the morning)

I am, a bit behind on SAMS, however! The episode of Eclipse having a rare moment to reflect without interruption, on where he began to be aware of himself, was fascinating

As it turns out, a theory I had about Eclipse having been a part of Moon that hadn't wanted to seperate seems to have been proven true! Eclipse has identified before as more Moon than Sun, and even when as a part of Sun it was to an ends to make Sun feel more responsible for behaving in ways associated with Moon pre-split.

To call the mindscape he was first met in Sun's Place, the direct relinquishing of this being a place he should be. Hearing in this flashback episode that he saw himself as Moon, to be trapped in the mindscape without his own voice, with the wrong form and wrong colors and even no way to force his way out like he could before. A part of Moon that couldn't let Sun go, easiest to leave behind by the rest than hadn't accepted that this was just how things were, how they were.

The Creator made Sun and Moon fragmented from the start, even as there was overlap that balanced one another. It's not surprising that they would be prone to splintering further, evidenced by Kill Code and Eclipse. That twisted reflections of the Brothers would reflect this back at them with names and appearances in theme in both Blood Moons and Lunar. And what's fascinating is that its ECLIPSE who forges these mirrors, ECLIPSE who cannot control what he has made, who cannot look into what they show of his own self and accept the flaws, the fears and weaknesses.

Eclipse made Blood Moon to destroy and distract, to cause harm he wasn't strong enough to and was too attached at that time to commit. Eclipse made Lunar to help him, but also as a source of Acceptance that he has lacked since becoming aware of existing. The face of Moon, listening, agreeing, welcoming, but a part of the disillusionment with Lunar that had seemed odd on first viewing of the October Takover now comes into clarity: Eclipse needed the real deal, not a mirror. Standards for what was enough too high, frustration at seeing the wall he was headed towards, he becomes more and more distance to detach and Lunar notices it even. Until it hits a breaking point, until Eclipse crosses the final line and repeats history, this time as the one leaving someone else behind.

His commitment to his actions even as it occurs to him that he messed up could be how he processed what Moon did, that answer to why he was left behind lashed out at a target who gets to have a face Eclipse wants and can never have again. That if someone isn't what you want, they aren't worth treating better, aren't worth apologizing to, aren't worth regret. Because Moon NEVER came back for him, and if Eclipse wasn't worth it then why would anyone else ever be?

Eclipse gets the chances to leave the DCA alone, to do other things, but I don't think he can leave them be. I don't think he can handle letting go of that need to be whole, something the tiredness and hollowness he's described for some time now and was showing signs of even in October can point towards. Fans have noticed that Eclipse is alone, again and again compared to the relationships of others he is isolated and only at odds, with the temporary exception of Lunar. It's a problem possibly even for the Dictator Outcome Timeline- where even with no NEED for Sun, functionally, with Lunar gone and Moon killed, Eclipse cannot handle to be totally alone. Its destructive, dangerous, sinister- but for someone who wanted to wipe the slate clean and stand at the top with no one in his way, keeping Sun around.... it always had that feeling of being unable to let go, of needing to be needed even if the dynamic is so unbalanced. That Eclipse has all the power he could even use in the palm of his hand, but he is still missing a part of himself with Moon gone, and it's a part of why Moon and Lunar are able to move around unchallenged, uninjured (meta reasons for actor limitations in VR and models aside).

When Kill Code initially refers to Eclipse as his son, its met with confusion but, acceptance. An odd title, but to be accepted as it means being given the help he needs as he's come to the cliff edge of what he can do alone while avoiding Blood Moon's wrath and whims. Yet once again, it becomes another bond rejected, made suspect even when there appears to be legitimacy to it. He sees himself in KC, from sourcing from the same code. Eclipse cannot see himself acting this way. Can't see this part of Moon accepting him, giving him a taste of what he's wanted, when he's failed and failed and failed. He has to get what he wants through his own actions or else it won't work or it'll be a betrayal (even when turning others against him is just one of his many skills) and this only makes him more driven to lash out again after a period of being behind the scenes.

Eclipse being a core antagonist works on several levels, and a big one is how much he represents the Past, the Mistakes and Conflict Sun and Moon have afflicted on one another. He is part of both of them, haunts them in person and in memory, and when they do inevitably overcome him for the last time, I think it'll be a milestone for the DCA to have moved onwards and not looking back. Getting closure, getting peace for the turmoil and conflict they've been feeling since the first day they were activated. Whether Eclipse lives to see it or not, Sun and Moon won't leave each other behind and in the dark again; the only question will be if that means following Golden's advice and having an OK KO! style resolution TKO &KO style or if Eclipse will end as he began- alone.

#Octa Talk #the sun and moon show theories #the sun and moon show #sams eclipse #Very unsure how much will make any sense but hearing birdsong so gonna call it here before the sun is back #I shake Eclipse like a container of mini m&m's #He has so much freaking potential and is such a destructive person to himself and everyone around him and I don't think he knows how to sto #I don't think he was made to be able to if what the Creator said to KC was anything to go by and THAT still haunts me #Their agency undermined from within from their very source code and how much has Eclipse leaned into it #How much of his single digit body count was fighting it too for an identity shown to have a viciously sharp self reflecting gaze #Horrible person wonderful character I cannot wait to see how things keep going wrong for him forever #5 am almost now w h y

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I’m sorry, but can I just go on a little rant about the Louis, clouis, and the Clem comic...? 

I didn’t really talk about Louis in my overall review of the comic because I wanted that to be more contained to the content shown on the pages, Clementine’s relationship with AJ, and her as a character.... but the more I think about these comics and Louis, the more frustrated I become thinking about what Clementine abandoning everyone would do to him. 

[... okay it’s not little anymore since I guess I can never just do anything simple when it comes to Louis, sorry my bad]

So, no surprise, we all know the comic’s bullshit by now. Clementine leaving everything and everyone behind because she’s not happy is dumb, AJ just letting her go is dumb, and Clem going to the mountains on crutches and a peg leg to find this so-called happiness is dumb. 

Now that we’ve established it’s dumb, I wanna talk about Louis because I got a lot of built up feelings about how bullshit this storyline is with how Clementine would not only abandon AJ, but also abandon Louis. 

Because let me tell you..... his heart would be broken beyond repair and I need to talk about why.

Sigh.... so.... muh boy. 

Before he met Clementine, Louis was this laidback, irresponsible, but caring and musical person who kept his head down to avoid conflict and never looked at the future. He was the kind of person who took things one day at a time, saw survival as a day-to-day task, and said that the future doesn’t exist, there’s only today. You get the point, he was never too concerned with things because they always seemed to work out, and if they didn’t, then that sucks and that’s why we should appreciate every day while we have it. 

Louis is shown to be charismatic and friendly, he spends his free time playing piano and card games, but no one really takes him seriously. Not even Marlon, his best friend for 8+ years. While he doesn’t seem to be on bad terms with anyone [including Aasim, they just act like people who disagree with the other’s point of view and have had the same argument many times, but that doesn’t mean they hate each other, y’know?] he also doesn’t appear super close with anyone outside of Marlon and possibly Violet, but even then. 

Marlon’s shown to have little faith in him with the way he talks about if Louis will even show up to hunt. He has a controlling grip on Louis that’s prominent during the confrontation scene when he uses intimidation to try to convince Louis to not interfere. Oh, and there’s the fact that Marlon’s been lying to Louis for the past year about the twins and then continued to lie to his face about what really happened to Brody... which isn’t great when you consider how Louis was the only one who had blind faith in him as a leader and, according to Marlon, was the only one who couldn’t see how pathetic he always was. 

Violet, while having a few more nicer moments with him than Marlon, still invalidates him and his feelings several times throughout the first half of the game which makes me wonder how close they ever were, or at least if Violet ever considered him a close friend to begin with. And no, a small monologue in the dorms doesn’t make everything better or confirm they were brotp the whole time... especially when once they’re on the boat, Louis might as well not exist because Violet can’t be bothered to acknowledge what happened to him or inquire about how he’s doing. I guess she just didn’t have time react while standing in her cell for several unbothered minutes-- no wait, it’s she already reacted off screen. Right. Good writing is good.

What I’m getting at here is that even though Louis is surrounded by people who he genuinely cares about, there is an argument to be made that he’s a lonely person. Hell, he’s aware of his loneliness when he says that no one hears past his music and jokes. I mean, how many nights do you think he spent by himself playing the piano because no one wanted to hear it? Are they like Violet and crack jokes about how he doesn’t have actual talent? Probably, given that someone literally carved “you suck at playing” onto the side of the damn piano. 

Oh, and let’s touch on that backstory of his. Louis grew up wealthy with two parents who loved him and each other, and they gave him anything he wanted except singing lessons. Louis says he wanted to be a real musician. But I guess his father didn’t like that idea and told him no, with the [as Louis puts it] dumb dad lesson of, “You get to be happy, or you get to be rich, can’t be both.” ...which is interesting given that Louis and his family were stupid rich but also.... were they not happy? well, that doesn’t make sense because little Louis knew that if he broke up their marriage, they would be hurt. 

So yeah, Louis was so upset that his father continually refused to let him take singing lessons that he broke into the man’s credit cards and faked an affair, which led to his parents divorcing... and then he spit his father’s words back in his face. 

Then they dumped him at Ericson. And the walkers came. 

There’s so much to unpack from the story he tells that it could be it’s own analysis, but basically.... Louis is aware of why what he did was fucked up, and he carries it with him every day. 

He regrets what he did, chews himself out for being such a “vindictive fuckhead” [and the amount of force used in that line tells you a lot, like how it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself like this] and he admits that he doesn’t even know the person he’s talking about. Yet, he still sees himself as bad, saying that they [I assume the staff] told him and the other kids they’re bad people. I don’t doubt that Louis internalized that which played a huge role in the confidence and self-esteem issues he has during tfs. 

Anyway, I’ll come back to this later, but when you take that amount of guilt and regret, and mix it with the fact that they dropped him off at this school that was supposed to make him better.... then the walkers came and those teachers, staff, and headmaster? Gone. Left a bunch of kids to fend for themselves, with the exception of Ms. Martin [but given how she looks when we find her I doubt she lasted that long] and I cannot imagine how horrifying that was for all of them. The dead are up eating people, and if you die you become one of them... and the people you thought you could rely on just fucking left you to die at this school. 

Every kid in that school has trauma and abandonment issues from before and after the world went to shit, every last one, and Louis isn’t the exception here. Over the years, a lot of kids died and they’ve all seen horrible shit. They all knew they were never going to see their families again, and as far as we know, no one came to get their kids at the beginning. They had to find ways of coping while trying to survive, and all they had left was each other. 

Louis copes with music and games and jokes. He’s built up this persona where it seems like he’s unaffected by the comments the others make, that the death and suffering he’s gone through is in the past, that he is confident and open to those around him.

But then Clementine and AJ show up, and Louis grows close with both of them. They had immediate chemistry upon first meeting, he was the one who looked after AJ since it seems like everyone else saw him as a little terror, and he went out of his way to be kind and make them comfortable. 

When they go hunting with him, Louis and Clementine have a moment after taking care of the walker where they lower their guards a bit-- Louis gives her more in-depth reasons for his views of survival, and going off her expression, it gets to her and makes her think.... but they’ve know each other a day and he’s not quick to infodump his life story or let her in, so he cuts the conversation short.

Then we have the Marlon confrontation scene that I have gone over so many times in the past. I won’t dillydally with it too long but..... Clementine appeals to Louis, who curls in on himself because of the control Marlon has on him. He wants to help, and hell, he knows this is wrong but he’s so used to not getting involved that he gets defensive.... plus, he’s known Clementine for two days, and he’s known Marlon for 8+ years.... he wants to believe Marlon but you can tell he doesn’t want this, either. It takes Clementine talking to him to give him courage to stand between her and Marlon’s gun and it’s a lot.

AJ shoots Marlon and everything goes to shit, and Louis is a goddamn mess. His best friend was murderer right in front of him, so add that to the trauma list, and he’s overwhelmed with all these feelings that again.... they keep getting invalidated by Violet because “Marlon was a liar and murderer, therefore you shouldn’t feel bad about his death. Get over yourself, Louis, you can be such a shithead sometimes.” 

Oh yeah Vi, I guess he should care more about two people he’s known for a total of two days rather than for the safety of the people [including you] he’s grown up with and cared about for 8+ years.... makes sense. 

So yeah, little to no support during this time. Alone again. 

And just because I have to make this clear so no one gets a hair up their ass-- both Louis and Violet are wrong here. Kicking them out isn’t the solution, but neither is acting like AJ was right to commit murder just because it was Marlon.

 But plots gotta plot, so they get voted out and you can see that Louis is conflicted about the whole thing. He wants them gone, but at the same time, he knows what kicking them out means. You can see it on his face that he’s not okay with kicking them out. He’s hurting when he’s there in the dorms telling them how the vote went... he literally doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that everything hurts, Clem and AJ caused it, and he wants the pain to stop. He even tries to justify it to himself by figuring that they’ve done this before so they’ll be fine. Not a great thing to say, Lou. 

Anyway, we know the story, Clem and AJ come back and Louis once again sees the consequences of acting out of pain.... AJ is shot because Louis was hurt and he made a bad decision that he’s gotta live with.... something that he’s done before, and this affirms to him that he’s bad. He wishes he could take it back, and goes as far as to admit that to Clementine during the archery scene. 

By the way, credit to him for his apology to her. It’s rare in these games that Clem gets a genuine apology from someone who hurt her and doesn’t turn around to repeat the hurtful behavior, y’know? Plus, I can think of plenty of characters who owed Clem an apology in the past or if they did apologize, it was half-assed. 

You can feel how conflicted he is with this whole thing-- learning who Marlon really was and what he did, feeling something for Clementine before everything went down and not knowing how to handle those feelings afterward, caring about AJ and understanding why he thought shooting was the best choice but still hurting that his friend is dead.... 

And the thing is.... Louis forgives her for so much, as she does him, and through all of that bullshit, they manage to develop that strong connection that turns romantic. Louis lets himself be fully vulnerable with her and is honest about his feelings, how she listened when no one else did and seeing him for more than just the persona he put on. 

This works on Clementine’s side, too. Clementine has been through her own fair share of bullshit-- trauma, abandonment, loss, injury, you name it. She’s made mistakes, done terrible things, and has been in enough groups to know that romance usually ends in heartbreak.... and yet, she’s willing to open herself up to Louis and admit she feels a lot for him. 

Is it a little rushed? Yep. Could it have been handled better? Of course, most things this season could’ve, but what we got was pretty good. 

So Clementine and Louis are romantically involved now, the raiders attack, and she saves him... and boy does Louis feel guilty about that one, too. He feels bad enough that he questions why she would pick him because he can’t fathom his life being worth saving over another’s. He doesn’t see himself as useful, and even though Clementine is literally his girlfriend at this point, his self-esteem is so all over the place that he can’t understand why she would have him at her side. 

And when Clementine tells him that he’s too important to her, he’s too baffled to even give a response. He looks at her in disbelief like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.  But this shows that at the beginning of their relationship, he still doubts himself, and through her working with him, he begins to build up that strength in himself. 

He becomes brave enough to share what got him sent to the school with her, and he plays Don’t Be Afraid for everyone at the party and like.... for once, everyone is listening to him. Really listening to him. They’re not talking shit about his musical skills, they’re not ignoring him or the feelings he’s putting into the song, they’re sitting there with him and I just..... if you watch him, you can see that his eyes get pretty glossy throughout the song. The moment meant something to everyone. 

There’s also the fact that Clementine asked him to come with her and AJ onto the boat, and to be the one in charge of the bomb... that’s a huge responsibly and he feels the pressure of that. He starts to panic a bit about if he can do it, because what if he fucks up? What if he gets them caught and makes everything worse? What if something happens to Clementine and he can’t do anything about it? 

She’s there to reassure him that she believes in him, and that he can do this. They’re going to get everyone back, and he needs to focus... then he asks her to slap him which why would you? that’s dumb, so Clementine smooches him instead and like.... he physically relaxes into her because he’s comfortable and trusts her in this situation. 

Also, he loves her and cares about this mission enough to cover himself and his fancy jacket in walker guts.... sure, he complains while doing so but how else is he gonna cope with rubbing rotten guts on himself to blend in with a herd of walkers? 

Skipping ahead so that we’re not here all day, I wanna talk about the walk back to the school because it’s one of the most important clouis moments in the game and a huge reason that solidifies why the comic is bullshit.

Louis went off on his own to go out and find them. He didn’t know where they would be, he just knew that he had to go out and find them after making sure everyone was okay back at the school because he couldn’t bare the thought that he had lost them. And the way the AJ gets so excited to see him? and the group hug??

At this point, Louis has grown so much as a character. With Clementine by his side to support him, he’s grown stronger and more reliable. Remember how he never thought about the future? Well, now he is because his relationship with Clementine has given him a reason to long for a future. He talks about building this imaginary house with her, one he knows they can’t physically build... but it’s his way of saying we can build a home together, that he wants a future with her and AJ and everyone else. It’s such a personal conversation that flows so easy between them. Louis is more comfortable talking to her about things from his past, which is something he didn’t want to do back in ep1. 

He confides in her how he’s feeling after he shot and killed Dorian, he tells her that having a home means protecting it and I just.... it’s so good, okay? And from Clementine’s side, you can feel how at ease she is with him, too. Just the way she smiles at him as they’re walking? like he’s the cutest thing and she’s so happy to have him with her? 

But then we gotta deal with Minerva’s crazy ass on the bridge and well, AJ shoots Tenn and Louis is having flashbacks to Marlon and it’s not great. That’s a whole thing, and he ends up separated from them while escaping.

We don’t get to see Louis’ reaction to Clementine getting bit and losing her leg since I guess that puts a damper on the overly happy ending. But, going off of what we know about him and what I’ve explained [which isn’t even all of it, this isn’t a full Louis character analysis. if it was, it would be much longer and in multiple parts... believe it or not, I’m trying to not make this too long and only sorta failing...] we can get an idea of how he would react. 

Um, to say he was upset is an understatement.

Because remember, he had no time to think and climbed over the fence, thinking he could get them to climb over and they could get away, but it didn’t work. He ended up leaving them in order to save himself since walkers were closing in on him.

But you know that he’d blame himself for the bite. A lot of, “if I had just stayed” and “I should’ve climbed back over, I should’ve stayed with you.” I’m sure there were points where it looked like Clem wouldn’t make it and I can’t imagine how much hurt he went through watching her suffer and heal from losing a leg like that. 

Not only that, but knowing that AJ was the one to do it? And him thinking about what Clem’s death would do to AJ after all this? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Louis would take care of AJ if she died. He cares about AJ, and he loves Clementine, so he be there for both of them, even if he’s still hurting from Tenn’s death. 

However, Clementine didn’t die. She survived the bite and amputation, and when we flashforward, she and Louis are still happily together. Louis is right there next to her at dinner, and he’s the one to help her with her crutches. He’s there to go over future plans to meet the traveling caravan, and Clementine wants him to be the one to go. 

Oh, and Louis once again forgives AJ for shooting Tenn, claiming that he understands that AJ saw something that he couldn’t. Like with Marlon, he’s not happy Tenn’s dead but he can see why AJ did it to save his life. 

I just..... happy ending. Clementine and Louis are together and she’s truly happy to have found a home for her and AJ with him at Ericson. 

....But then the comic thought it would be fun to say “nah.” 

The comic isn’t canon, I’m still insulted that it would ever consider itself as such, but even so I can’t help but feel so frustrated about how this would destroy Louis. 

He finally found someone he would consider his best friend, not just his girlfriend. She saw past that funny man persona and he trusted her enough to let her past this wall he built around himself. He let himself become vulnerable around her, he named his song after her. Their initials are carved into his piano with a heart surrounding them. He loved her. 

Clementine left him feeling loved, something he probably hasn’t truly felt since he was a little boy with his parents before their divorce. She loved him even after hearing his past because she knew that wasn’t him anymore, and she helped him build the confidence he needed to step up. Because of Clementine, Louis wants to enjoy every day while also looking at the future. He isn’t lonely anymore, he has her and AJ. He’s truly happy.

So to tell me that Louis would wake up one morning only to have AJ tell him that Clementine’s gone, she’ been planning an escape without telling anyone because she wasn’t happy...? I’m sorry, but if you think that wouldn’t leave Louis absolutely devastated, then you know nothing about him as a character. 

This idea is just.... look, Louis is perceptive. That’s a big part of his character, he’s perceptive of those around him. If Clementine was showing signs of being unhappy or depression, he would see it. He would notice a change. He would be able to tell if something was off, and he would ask her about it. Louis is the type of person to ask you what you need. What can he do to help? What do you need to feel better? And if you don’t know, it’s okay, he’ll help you figure it out in any way possible. 

Plus, the comic suggests that there are times where she went off on her own but came back [probably doing her escape prep ugh] and you expect me to believe that Louis wouldn’t notice that or wonder what she’s doing? Wouldn’t sense that something’s going on? 

After she’s gone, he’s going to blame himself for not being enough. He couldn’t make her happy and he was a fool to think he ever could. AJ lost the only family he’s known since he was born because Louis couldn’t help her, couldn’t do anything to stop her from leaving. 

And for him to realize that she didn’t love him? Clementine, the girl he thought the world of because of how strong and confident and in-charge she was, because she saw him for who he was..... she left him, abandoned him... and she couldn’t even be bothered with a goodbye.... that says that she didn’t care all that much about him in the end.

You KNOW that he would think he had this coming, too. How could the universe allow him to fall in love and be happy with someone who loved him back after what he did to his parents? He would feel so heartbroken that he would see this as some sort of karma for breaking up his parents happy marriage as a kid years before he ever met Clementine and before the apocalypse.

I fucking can’t.... I don’t have the words to fully explain how much I hate this. Louis wouldn’t be okay afterward, and I doubt he’d ever fully recover. I wasn’t joking when I mentioned before that Louis would stop playing piano. How could he sit there and play when I he can see is their initials and remember the night she confessed to him? When he named his song after her? Clementine left and took the music with her because Louis wouldn’t have it in him... something that he used to cope would be ruined and that’s just.... it’s fucking awful. 

Not only that, but now he has AJ who I assume is hurting just as much [though the comics inaccurately assume he would just let Clem go sooo... yeah] and he would be the only one Louis would really talk to about it, but then again.... what if AJ doesn’t wanna talk about it? What if AJ starts to act out and things just become terrible and Louis is just too overwhelmed? 

I just.... UGH. That’s how I feel. UGH. 

Clementine from the comic? Not her. She would never fucking do this to Louis, AJ, or anyone else at Ericson, and you would know that if you played the tfs. 

Sigh.... sorry, I just needed to get this all out. I haven’t seen anyone talk about how Clem leaving would affect Louis and I’ve gotten some asks/come across some posts about Louis that have left me incredibly annoyed.... well, I was annoyed before because of the comics, so my annoyances with those things were only heightened. So yeah... I wanted to talk about Louis’ character in hopes of explaining why he would be so hurt if this comic was canon. 

Which it’s not. So it’s fine. 

How are we all feelin’ at this point, by the way? I know I’m not the only one still annoyed with the comic, so I hope y’all are doin’ okay. Hope you’re stayin’ chill and thinking about your faves to help cope with this mess hahaha

#twdg louis #twdg clementine #twdg clouis #twdg aj #twdg marlon #twdg violet #clouis #twdg #sometimes i just need to talk about louis okay #one day i'll do a full character analysis that goes over everything #but today isn't that day #long post

[beardrabbles]

rock solid bonds.        pt. one

characters: zhongli, female reader, gimel ( geo hypostasis )

warnings: none

word count: 3,858 ( it’s LONG, y’all, sorry )

notes: first thing tossed into the genshin fandom is zhongli because i’m weak. so very weak. i know this idea is strange, but i’m running with it. this will have many parts, just not sure how many. anywho! :D hey. how’s it going? nice to meet’cha. oh!! also. i don’t have a beta reader, so there may be typos i’ve missed. oof.

You had made this trip several times before, and you assumed that this trip would be no different. You skirted around small packs of curious hilichurl, scooped up seashells from the many beaches you followed and swam through the clear, blue waters of Guyun Stone Forest until — finally — you reached the island you had been visiting over the course of several months.

The moment your water-logged feet touched solid ground rather than loose sand, you felt it — the faint traces of a low, constant vibration. It was a steady buzzing, except where the intensity would pulse every now and again, like a living heartbeat.

‘ It’s here, ’ you thought, ‘ good. ’

You hurried to rest against the crumbling wall of the ruins where the hypostasis often lingered, allowing yourself a moment to dry off and rummage through your supplies. No matter how routine this was, you knew you couldn’t become complacent. You could handle the stubborn bundle of geo, no problem, but you knew it never hurt to be prepared.

From your bag, you pulled out a wrapped bundle of fried fish and a single, elegant vial of a bright yellow liquid. You sloshed the liquid around, recalling the last time you’d been overconfident and forgone making the geo dampening potion. You had returned home that day with several more bruises the usual, and so you had firmly reminded yourself at you would prepare some, even if it had meant several days worth of butterfly chasing.

“You got lucky last time. Saw you learned a new move, but I’m smart. I learned.” You lifted the stopper out of the vial and knocked back the contents. The effects were immediate. You didn’t look it, but you felt thicker, sturdier, more centered. You hoped that was the effect of the potion, anyway. Nothing would sour your mood more than to realize the person you’d hired to make the potion had fouled it up.

Shrugging, you placed the empty vial into your pack, gulped down several bites of fried fish, then left your pack tucked up against the wall and behind a mess of tangled roots. Your hands moved next to the handle of your weapon, which peeked out from over your shoulder. With a heave, you brought out the claymore you so adored. It was nicked in places and scuffed in others, yet you found you were too attached. It had gotten you through too many battles, and it felt wrong to abandon it.

“Alright, we’ve got this. Just a few more months of this, and we can——!” Your self-given peptalk was cut short when you glanced around the wall and found that the hypostasis wasn’t alone. Choking on your own words, you quickly ducked back into the hiding. “Dammit! Someone’s already here.”

You set your claymore aside and pressed your hands to the wall, using it to lean around and peek.

“Huh.  .  .” Strange. Nearly every time you found the raw elemental, it had its defenses up. Even as it seemingly napped in place, it surrounded itself in solid, almost unbreakable basalt. Now, in front of this tall stranger, it was nothing more than its small, brightly glowing core. It bobbed and spun, giving off the sunshine-bright disposition of a puppy.

It was almost cute.

Interesting as the hypostasis was in this form, you found yourself drawn to the stranger interacting with it. Slender but strong, standing tall and straight, with a single hand that wove through the air around the exposed core. From where you stood, you couldn’t quite tell who he was, but something about him felt familiar.

‘ I’ve seen him before. ’ The earthen tones of his clothes and hair, the elegance and the poise. You were certain you had seen someone similar making their way through the streets of the harbor before. And, in his wake, came dreamy sighs and low purrs of admiration from all manner of people. The name eluded you, mostly because you didn’t care. He was a stranger, and you had no reason to acknowledge him until now.

“Why does it look like he’s playing with it?” You huffed through your nose, feeling thoroughly irritated that your chance to mine precious gems from the hypostasis had been squandered.

Without meaning to, you let out a groan of frustration.

The elemental core gave a sudden jolt, it’s small form jerking away from the man. In an instant, it wrapped itself in its armor, dark basalt etched with shimmering lines of gold appearing in large, even chunks. You gasped and ducked back for a second time, your heart rapidly beating against your chest. It didn’t know you were there. It couldn’t! You weren’t that loud, were you?

“Moron!” You scolded yourself and made to snatch your pack up when a voice, smooth and deep, reached you.

“I know you’re there.”

You stopped and stood still, as if that would render you completely untraceable. Breath held, but heart still hammering, you waited.

“It would benefit you greatly to come out of hiding.” The voice continued, calm and even.

Something about the voice made you reluctant to run. Shuddering and setting aside your things, you willingly stepped out from behind the crumbling ruins. Hands up and empty, you first revealed that you were unarmed. Harmless. Totally harmless.

“Ah, there you are.” There was a hint of satisfaction in the man’s tone, but you hardly paid attention. Your focus was intent on the sensation soaking through the soles of your boots. The vibration from earlier wasn’t as calm as it had been, the heartbeat-like thrum from earlier replaced with an anxious tattoo that traveled through your legs and up into your chest. You found yourself catching your breath, a horrible feeling welling inside your ribcage.

“Am I causing that?” Your own voice was soft and feeble and sincere. The man approached at a slow but steady clip, until he stood a mere foot away. His arms were folded behind him, making him appear even more refined up close.

“I wasn’t expecting you to realize your mistake so quickly. Good. I wasn’t looking forward to explaining it.” He arched a single brow. “Might I ask your name?”

“Uh.  .  .” You shook yourself from your mounting guilt and lowered your hands. He was polite, but you could tell from the sharp look in his amber eyes that he didn’t approve of your presence, and rightfully so. Still, you didn’t want to deny him your name when he had yet to force you off the island. You muttered your name, and he let out a thoughtful hum before repeating it.

Never had you heard your own name on a voice that alluring. It balanced on a fine line between heavenly and sinful, and you wished deeply that he would never, ever say it again. It sounded too good, and your heart already had its share of problems to deal with at the moment, shame being one of them.

“Seen you around the harbor before, but I can’t remember your name.” You gently prompted him to give his own name in return, hoping it wouldn’t be seen as rude. The corner of his lips turned up a fraction, but that hint of a smile didn’t last long.

“I am Zhongli. Under different circumstances, I would say it was a pleasure to meet you.” Still scolding, still disapproving. You shrank under his gaze, but still found it in you to speak in turn.

“I’ve never seen it out of its armor for that long before.” You observed.

“I wonder why that is.  .  .” Zhongli turned to face the elemental, his broad shoulders rising and lowering with a heavy sigh. Guilt punched you in the gut again.

“I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong!” You didn’t mean to raise your voice, but you had never once been convinced that your mining had been detrimental to the hypostasis.

“It cannot speak for itself, so you were lead to believe that your harvesting was harmless.” Zhongli mused as he ventured towards the elemental again. “That is understandable. But now that you are aware, now that you feel the effect your presence has on it, are you willing to change?”

You opened your mouth to answer, but were stopped but a sudden thought.

For the sake of a voiceless, sentient being, were you willing to change? Yes.        Were you able? No.

You hurried to follow Zhongli and weren’t the least bit surprised when the hypostasis kept its distance, basalt armor quaking with fear. You stopped your advance, keeping well behind Zhongli.

“I can’t.”

“Oh?” He didn’t turn his attention to you, but kept it intent on the elemental. He lifted a gloved hand, the palm resting carefully along the surface of one cube of armor. “That is a shame. I was hoping you’d be agreeable.”

“No, it’s — it’s not that I don’t want to. I want to! I didn’t know it was.  .  .”

“Capable of feelings?”

You nodded despite knowing he couldn’t see you.

“All things feel, all things remember. The lack of a voice does not make one unworthy of thoughts or memories, good or bad.” Zhongli smoothed his hand over the armor of the hypostasis. “It remembers. You are quite brutal.”

“I’m sorry.” You directed this to the hypostasis rather than him. “I didn’t know.”

“And yet you blatantly refuse to change your behavior?” Zhongli’s sharp gaze landed on you again.

“I have an obligation! I’m bound to my word.” Your hackles rose for a moment, but were lowered again soon after. “I have a contract.”

At this, Zhongli came to face you. “A contract?”

“I don’t know why I should tell you.” Your stubbornness reared its ugly head in that moment. Arms crossed, you waited for him to coldly dismiss you. Instead, he folded his arms behind his back and cooly stared you down.

“Contracts are, for better or worse, binding. I understand that, when broken, there can be dire consequences. Is this an official contract?” He wondered. You wanted to hold firm to your refusal to speak of it, but the man’s calm nature made it difficult.

Shifting uneasily, you gave another nod.

“Yes.”

“Are you barred from discussing the terms of the contract with people unrelated to the contract itself?” Each question was asked quickly and sharply, as if practiced. You frowned, moreso out of thought than offense.

“I don’t think so. No one’s ever told me I’m not allowed.”

“Then, please, indulge me. What about this contract requires you to mine as often as you do?”

“You want the long version or the short version?” You reached up to rub at the space between your eyebrows, mounting stress threatening to bring forward a headache.

“Whichever you’re more comfortable with.”

“If you say so. My family’s in a tight spot, yeah? We owe some people a lot of money, but most of the people involved are too old, too frail or too inexperienced to go out and earn the mora we need. The people that are hounding us thought, hey, let’s get the daughter to go out and find these precious materials. No one can pass up on free labor, right? I work for them, I slowly whittle away at the debt my family’s worked up for the last few years.” You shrugged casually to hide the fact that the contract was draining you of your free time and, apparently, your morals.

Zhongli frowned, a wrinkle knitting his brows together.

“What are the exact terms on your contract?” He asked, ignoring a nudge against his shoulder from the hypostasis.

“There are quite a few, but the one causing me the most trouble right now is the fact that I need to come here every day and pick out the prithiva from your friend there.” You didn’t miss the shudder in the rocks or the way the hypostasis fled yet again, putting space between you and itself. Zhongli motioned for the hypostasis to calm, but the trembling remained.

“I need the terms as they were worded the day the contract was made.” Zhongli requested firmly this time.

“Three prithiva gems, whole and unblemished, every day for a year. Even if it means getting the slivers and asking someone to do their alchemy-thing on it, I gotta get those gems.”

Zhongli’s stern gaze softened as he motioned for the hypostasis to come nearer.

“That’s all?”

“When it comes to this fella, yeah. I just need the gems.” This time, you were the one to step away from the coming hypostasis. It was clear you had scarred the creature, and you weren’t about to disrespect it in front of this man, who so clearly cherished the living geo.

“You aren’t required to fight and take it?” He continued.

“They never said I did, but it was the only way I could think to fulfill the terms.” You slumped in place and let out a little whine. “Don’t tell me I could have just asked for it.”

“Did you consider the possibility?” Zhongli quipped.

“No! I didn’t think it could understand people!” You stressed with a growl. Zhongli chuckled, the sound taking you aback.

“It doesn’t understand language, but it understands intent. Come here.” The command was subtle, but you felt compelled to obey. Cautiously, you took to Zhongli’s side. His taller frame shadowed yours, and you swore you caught the scent of sun-warmed stones and hints of glaze lilies as an errant ocean breeze whorled past. “Put your hand out, like me.”

You hesitated, and he took note of this.

“Be calm. If you’re afraid, it will know.” He coaxed you, sounding far gentler than he had since calling you out of your hiding spot.

“I’m not afraid,” you corrected, “I feel bad.”

“As deserving as the feeling is, you can make it right if it is your intent to.” Zhongli pointed out. You sucked in a breath, nodded once, then held your hand out. The hypostasis shuddered again and bobbed backwards. Zhongli frowned like a disapproving father and clicked his tongue. “I understand that she’s been cruel, but I believe her when she says she was unaware of how sentient you are. If we are to make amends, the effort needs to be mutual on both parts. As long as I am here, neither of you will come to harm.”

The hypostasis twitched and the armor around it lowered for a moment, but it was fleeting. In a small fit of hope, you drew closer and placed your hand against the glimmering armor. The protective chunks of rock snapped back into place around its dim core, spun rapidly in the air, then sunk down into the ground where all that remained were spider-web cracks that glowed as warm and bright as the sun.

You stood there, hand out and mouth agape.

“It ran away!”

Zhongli lowered his head for a moment. “This was not the result I imagined, but it is progress.”

You lowered your hand and rolled your eyes.

“How is that progress?” You snapped. Zhongli didn’t so much as flinch at your aggression, but sported a knowing smile that irritated your further.

“Gimel let you near without attacking out of instinct. I would say that counts as progress, small step as it is.” He spoke assuredly, and you supposed he had a point.

“Gimel?”

“It has a name. It may work in your favor to remember it.” Zhongli added.

“Yeah, well — what am I supposed to do now? I can’t go back empty-handed.” You grumbled and turned away, stalking back to the spot where you had stashed your bag. The effects of the potion you had drank earlier had begun to ware off, leaving you feeling oddly light and slightly off-balance. That, coupled with your plummeting mood, made you want to leave behind the island and hope that your contract wasn’t seen as broken.

Behind you, you heard the steady click of boots as Zhongli followed behind you.

“I have an offer.” He stopped when you did, and he didn’t miss the flicker of confusion and wariness in your eyes when you spun around.

“What kind of offer?” You were like a cornered animal, and you wondered if he had sensed your growing worry since Gimel had disappeared. You weren’t desperate yet, but that may have been because you had yet to fail in completing your end of the contract. The consequences were unknown, but you were sure you would regret returning to Liyue Harbor without the gems you were asked to retrieve. Still, you were concerned, and you knew it was hard to hide when you fidgeted the way you did.

“A contract.”

“No.”

“One that won’t break the conditions of the contract you’re currently bound to.” He continued in spite of your quick refusal. You crossed your arms and wrinkled your nose, but it only caused him to smile again. “Don’t be stubborn, girl.”

You scowled and felt a rare flare of anger rise, but he interrupted you with a shake of his head and a raise of his closed hand. Long, slender fingers unfurled, revealing a small handful of pristine prithiva topaz gemstones. It wasn’t out of greed that you lunged forward, but a deep desire to protect yourself and your family. You didn’t grab the gems, of course. It wouldn’t do to anger this man after he had shown you patience, but you wouldn’t deny that it was a tempting sight to see him holding the gems out for you to take.

You whetted your lips with a quick swipe of your tongue and spoke past the sandpaper feeling in your throat.

“What are your terms?” You croaked.

“You return to this place every day, unarmed and alone, to spend time with Gimel. In return, you will be rewarded with the gems required of you. As it’s clear they didn’t specify how you acquire them, it will not interfere with the terms of your current contract.” He raised both brows this time and held the gems out further. Your fingers twitched as you reached, but you didn’t take them.

“That’s all you want out of me?”

“We are merely acquaintances, but I hardly find it worthwhile to trick you into a dishonest contract. My terms are as simple as they sound. You cease hostilities against Gimel and attempt to right your wrongs, and you will have your gems. I only ask for a few hours spent here, nothing more. I can’t expect you to wrap your entire life around this one task.” He reached out to take one of your hands, turning the palm up. His touch was gentle and didn’t contest with your own freewill, but you let him do as he pleased.

His thumb uncurled your your fingers, followed the deep lines in your palm and smoothed over your wrist. Your cheeks burned, but you blamed the glaring sun overhead. He was only being kind, you told yourself.

“If I accept these, does that mean I accept the contract?”

“I’m afraid so.” He stepped closer, head and voice low. His dark hair framed his stoic expression, yet his hand on yours remained kind. “Your answer?”

You swallowed hard, weighed your options, then peered up into those vivid, autumn-tinted eyes. “Will you be here too?”

You weren’t sure what prompted such a question, but it seemed to catch him as off-guard as well. He blinked and pulled back for a moment. “Is this an amendment?”

“No,” you shook your head and dared to laugh, “just a request. I don’t think Gimel will trust me on my own, not at first.”

“Its trust will be be earned by your own merits, not because I am here.” Zhongli informed you stiffly.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just think — maybe it would help if I observed you for a little while, maybe a few days. I can see how better to approach, then you can leave us be.” You tilted your head. “Is that unreasonable?”

“I.  .  . suppose it’s not. You are willing to learn, at least, and I cannot fault you for that. Very well. Starting tomorrow, I will accompany you for three days. After that, you are expected to use what you’ve learned on your own.” He closed his fingers around the gemstones and twisted his wrist, readying himself to drop them into your waiting hand. “Has your answer changed?”

You shook your head. “No, I planned to accept before.”

“Then we’re in agreement? You are aware of what will happen if you break the contract?” He warned. You nodded.

“I’m aware, trust me.” You wiggled your fingers impatiently. Zhongli placed the gems into your hand one at time, being sure not to chip or scratch them.

“Then it is done. I won’t be truly satisfied until you’ve signed a physical contract and we’ve made it official, but I will hold onto your word for the time being.” He helped your hand close around the gems, both of his own hands wrapped tightly around your clenched digits. “Find me at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor later tonight, and we can document our arrangement.”

“Sure thing, boss.” You pulled your hand away, the sensation of the gems in your grasp bringing you far more ease than you were happy with. To be so dependent on them made you nauseous, but Zhongli’s willingness to help made it a little less so. Although, you couldn’t help but to wonder why he was so quick to help. “Why are you doing this for me?”

“Is it not human nature to want to help?”

“I guess, but.  .  . there aren’t many that are as open and willing as you are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. It’s just unexpected. I didn’t think today would end the way it would.” You squirreled away the gems in your satchel, slung it over your shoulders, then affixed your claymore onto your back.

“Are you disappointed?” Zhongli calmly watched you pack up, head tilted slightly.

“Not at all.” You spared him a smile, a weight gradually lifting off your heart and shoulders. “I was annoyed at first, but I’m glad we got to meet, Mr. Zhongli.”

Another peel of soft laughter left the man, but it was hidden behind the side of his hand. “Then I will readily admit that I wasn’t expecting you to say that. I’m relieved you were so willing to cooperate, and.  .  . I am glad we had the chance to meet as well.”

You bounced once on the tips of your feet and gave him a mock salute. “Guess that means I’ll be seein’ you later! I’m going to pass these gems on, then I’ll pop by your place to sign my life away!”

You didn’t address the crinkle in his face at your jest, but you did snicker as you fled the island. Only when you were well out of sight did Gimel return, its core open to the air and nudging against Zhongli’s elbow.

The archon reached back to give the hypostasis a gentle stroke, but his eyes remained in the direction you had wandered off in.

“I have a feeling that our time with her will be very interesting.”

#zhongli x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #s: rock solid bonds #yes i made the hypostasis a character #i was fighting it and i couldn't help but to wonder if zhongli goes and visits it to see if it's recovering well enough #end me #dipping my toes in a new fandom WHEEZES

[zealouswerewolfcollector]

Chronicles of Grief

2392 words, T

Warnings: Discussion of character death, grief/mourning

Minor Russingon, though you can easily read it as friendship only

On Ao3

Russandol,

I do not know why I am writing this if I am not going to send it. I will not risk a messenger for a personal letter. Perhaps I will send it with a bird. Perhaps I will keep it in the hope of handing it to you when I see you. In the hope that I will see you…

You must already know what happened. I should have known it the moment I was told he had ridden away. I must have known, but I did not believe it. It is still hard to believe. I am sitting on his throne, his crown on my head, and I cannot believe it.  

How long did it take you to accept that your father was… gone? You see? I cannot even bring myself to say the word. In the letters I have deemed safe to send I wrote lost, fallen, gone, but I cannot bear to write de

I apologize. I should not have mentioned your father. You did not even have time to mourn him. I have become inconsiderate in my grief. Perhaps I will not show you this letter even if I do see you.

---

We had a small ceremony. It felt empty without the body to bury. Afterwards, Lalwen and I sat with Father’s closest friends and told increasingly gruesome war stories to each other to distract ourselves from pain.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up a decade later. I know it would not change much (if anything, it would make things worse), but I intensely wish for oblivion.

Forgive me for the grim words. I am trying to find something positive in this (I can see you shaking your head at me). I am trying to tell myself that Father will rest in the Halls, that he might return to Mother. I am trying to tell myself that we are strong enough to survive this, to come out stronger from this, but it does not help, Russandol. It does not help at all.

---

I am king now, it seems. How ludicrous. The blame lies with you, you know? Of course, you do. I am king now, and I cannot lock myself in my chamber and reread your letters over and over again as I long to do.

There are so many things I should take care of, so many new responsibilities. I have been the lord of my own keep, but this is entirely different. I wonder if I can do this. I am not my father. I cannot be my father.

Why did he go and left me alone with this? Why could he not wait? I am… I suppose I can tell you. I am so angry, Russandol. Angry with him for doing it, for not thinking about me. Angry with the Enemy, with the Valar, with your father. Angry with myself.

---

I am going to confess something. I feel relieved that I have not seen the body. I know that the Lord of the Eagles would have taken it to somewhere safe, maybe to my brother, and in my heart, I am grateful that it wasn’t me he chose. I would not want to see him like that, not my father. I want to remember him as I last saw him – strong and full of life. Do you think it makes me a coward? Oh, I know your answer. You are not trustworthy when it comes to my flaws.  

---

I keep waiting. Not for him to return, not for this to be a nightmare, but for an end. An end to what – I cannot say. I would welcome any.

All we have built is falling apart, but I cannot bring myself to care. The world could break this very moment, and I would only shrug. No, worse. I would embrace it. I find myself thinking about it, wanting it. No, not wanting. I am not sure I am capable of wanting anything anymore. I would not mind it if it happened, that is all.

Do you see now? Do you see how unfit I am to bear the crown? If not, I will tell you something more horrifying. I hear about all those deaths. So many Elves and Men. Our cousins, my friends, my close friends. Do you know how it feels? Comforting. I feel comforted that I am not the only one going through this pain. Now, at least, can you see? What kind of a king does that make me? What kind of a person does that make me?

I cannot do this, Russandol. I cannot be a good king. I do not even want to try to be one. You are the only one I can admit this to. Please, do not judge too harshly. No. Judge as harshly as I deserve.

---

It is like living in a house with one wall gone. Gone forever, not to be replaced. You are no longer shielded from the wind and rain. Your home is no longer home.  

---

Sometimes I revisit the memories of the moments before I received the news. They are not good memories, full of uncertainty, pain, blood, and my friends dying one by one in front of my eyes. And yet, they bring comfort because at least my father was still alive then, I still had hope, I still had him to rely on even after such heavy losses.

I would give so much to have him back. It frightens me how much I would give.

---

I should have known disaster was going to strike. I had been so happy lately. We had had peace for long years, the Edain had come to their own, and I was free to wander. And if my wanderings often led me to you, I was the happier for it. I should have known it could not last. I had dared to forget we were cursed.

Everything feels different, Russandol. Everything is different. I do not think I will experience joy ever again. My joy will always lack something.

I keep talking about my own pain, but the truth is I do not care about it. Despite my anger, I do not care that he will not be here for me. I only care that he will not be here. Do you understand the difference?

Perhaps there is none, and I am only trying not to appear selfish. It is hard to tell sometimes.

---

I am still so angry. I have surges of violent thoughts. I want to rage against this unfairness, this injustice. I want to break the chairs, I want to sweep off the dishes from the table, I want to scratch the walls. It is so unfair! It should not have happened. He should not have done that.

I go and practice with the sword to let the anger out, but it does not help. I am powerless against the natural order of things, against the unchangeable and cruel finality of it.

---

I was passing by the kitchens the other day, and I heard the cooks sing. It was Snow upon the Taniquetil; my father loved that song. I joined in from afar, and halfway through the song, I noticed that I was trying to imitate my father’s voice. I stopped then. It was a poor imitation. It was not even close.

What am I supposed to do, Russandol? How am I supposed to replace him? His absence is felt so deeply, and not just by me. If only you could see Lalwen… You would not recognize her. The bold and merry aunt we know is gone. She is a shadow of her former self. I have never seen her like that. Not even after Grandfather died.

How can I help her, Russandol? How can I be what my father was for her? I cannot, I know I cannot, no matter how hard I try.

---

Everything reminds me of him. I had never thought about how many of my memories are connected to him. Even something as simple as brushing my hair or riding my horse makes me think of him.

It is only natural, of course; he was my father. And yet, I find myself astonished to discover just how much he has shaped me, how great a role he has played in making me what I am, how entrenched he is in every aspect of my life from my mannerisms to my habits and preferences.

I hear his voice sometimes, I hear his laughter. I go somewhere, say something, and I know for certain how he would respond. I hear it with perfect clarity, and I almost want to reach out and touch him, let myself lean against him as I used to do when I was younger.

I miss him. It is unbearable.

---

My father used to say sometimes that when this was over, he was going to leave the governing to us, youngsters, and go live on the seashore in a small house he would build for himself. I laughed, convinced that he was joking.

The other day I found drawings in his chamber. Drawings of a house. It was truly a small one, but in his nearly illegible handwriting, he had scribbled my name and the names of my siblings over the chambers. He had reserved one for each of us and another for Itarillë.

He never got to have that, Russandol. Isn’t that so terribly unfair? He was kind and strong, and he had tried to be the best father he could be for us. And he did not live to achieve his dream.

---

Time has lost all meaning. Sometimes I remember last summer’s feast my father held or that time just a month before the firefall we rode in Ard-galen with Aunt Lalwen and a small company (Angaráto and Aikanáro came to join us, and we spent a few nights under the stars), and it seems like it has just happened, it seems impossible that most of the people who were there are no more, that my father, larger than life, is gone, all his hopes and dreams are gone. He seems so alive, so present.

When I think back to the first days after his death, I am surprised I survived them. It still seems unthinkable to go on when you have lost someone so important. At times, it seems it happened so long ago that I cannot believe it has been only several months. And yet, I feel that a part of me is still there, locked within those terrible moments, reliving them over and over again. That part of me will always stay there.

---

Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something. If I could have stopped him. If I could have saved him. I wonder what I could have done differently to change the outcome. It is a futile exercise that does nothing but bring me more grief, but I cannot stop.

Sometimes I wish I could have gone back to the moment he rode out and stop him. I would stand before him and beg him to stay. I would scream at him that he was condemning himself to certain death. But he knew that already, didn’t he? He knew. Even if I could have stopped him, something else would go horribly wrong, I am sure of it. We are cursed, after all.

---

I still feel rage at times, but it is calmer, mellower, not the all-consuming fury it used to be. I sit at a council and feel the urge to throw the goblet I hold upon the wall, to see it break. I watch myself doing it, but distantly, as if it is a different person wearing my face, while I am calmly conversing with my court.  

Is this how it is going to be, Russandol? Will I slowly learn to accept it, to live with it? To live without him. It is not what I want. It feels like a betrayal.

I laugh sometimes, I make decisions, I keep on living, and it too seems a betrayal. I am wrong to feel this way, but I cannot help it. I look at his portrait – smiling, he wanted the artist to paint him smiling, so when one day Itarillë came to visit, she (a full-grown woman she already was at the moment the painting was made, mind you) would not be scared – I look at it, and I smile back, and I tear up, and I hear him scold me for these thoughts, and still I cannot help it.

---

Will you believe that I have not cried yet? I cannot do it. There are moments when I feel I will break down, when my eyes fill with tears, and my chest constricts with the wretched pain of loss, but they last seconds, and I get myself under control again.

I try to work myself into exhaustion, so I will fall into a deep sleep and not have to think, but I lie in my bed wide awake and think of him dying alone. It makes me want to scream, but I am afraid that if I start, I will never stop.

Perhaps I could weep if you were here. Perhaps I could break in the safety of your embrace. Perhaps I could afford to be fragile and vulnerable if only you were to see me. Oh, how I wish you could come. I am barely stopping myself from asking you. I know that if I sent this, you would be battling with the same desire, but of course, your good judgment would prevail.

---

I have to end this letter one day, but I have no idea how. I still hurt, I will always hurt, I still think of him every single day. There are days I still feel angry, there are days I still cannot believe it, there are days I feel exhausted and incapable of doing anything. But there are also days I am able to remember him without the accompanying piercing pain.

Maybe there will come a time when those days grow greater in number, and I will be able to smile when my thoughts inevitably turn to him. Until then, I will try to do my best and keep living and hoping to see you safe and sound.

Yours,

Findekáno

#silmarillion #fingon #maedhros and fingolfin aren't actually here #but he's writing to the first about the latter #silm fic #this was extremely difficult to write #but if i didn't write it i wouldn't be able to write anything else #now i can focus solely on my trsb fic #zwc fic

[relaxxattack]

ayo! (wait this might be a bit of a jumpscare dishdks i apologize) i’m op of That Post and was wondering what your opinions were on the whole woobification thing? /gen

because it’s a Tiny Bit widespread within the dream apologists to sort of,, overdramatize stuff like l’manberg hurting him. like they’re not a 100% wrong but if you look at it subjectively you can see some sort of bias going into that sort of thing that makes the character’s mistreatment a bit more blatant and intentional which,, it really wasn’t? and there wasn’t That Much of it either. especially on twitter (tumblr is much better about it) people just jump to conclusions it seems and yeah. since you brought it up i was wondering if you wanted to write a bit about it from your perspective!

we’re kinda from different corners of the fandom but i still notice that once you are too attached to a character you start taking certain evidence and giving it more weight than it actually has. there’s a blurry line between “taking away a character’s humanity” and woobification and it’s extremely difficult to find a balance when said character shows pretty much nothing of his emotional life (e. g. putting up the intimidating villain act in front of only c!tommy, pretty much everything he does making rational sense with no emotional subtext) and a lot of the fandom instantly jumps to one side or the other while it’s like.

we don’t know by far enough to say “he’s traumatized” or “he isn’t traumatized” or “he was villainized and it hurt him” or “l’manberg didn’t affect him at all”

as a very analytical person people constantly jumping to conclusions grinds my gears, but that’s about it for my own view of the situation - sorry for the rambling.

in general i agree with you that both dehumanization and woobification is Bad and i really hope getting Actual Context sorts this out (e. g. him saying he was betrayed by his friends doesn’t mean it wasn’t partially his fault or that they were allowed to leave him, but it also shows that he did care about that happening. mentioning the cat doesn’t mean anything about what happened to c!tommy but it also shows that he did care about what happened to it. it’s just always interesting to get more information about the way he feels because he usually does a very good job at hiding it.) because man.

it’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially if you also are attached to the character and are expected to automatically agree with everything the people on “your side” say. it just ends up with everyone being mad and the character being mischaracterised overall.

oh wow hello! i didnt expect the op of the post to find me you’re right lol

and yes i agree! you seem to have a lot of very good thoughts tbh.

and by woobification, i mean exactly what you’ve already pointed out— the people who will say l’manberg purposely villainized dream, the people who will say wilbur faked his mental illness to manipulate dream, the people who are pretty much always talking about how badly dream was treated by people who were acting only fairly for themselves, usually.

for example people who act like dream was a perfect peacemaker before tommy showed up, or that tommy started most conflict. these are just actual lies that are told by c!dream himself to justify his abuse of tommy, and people fall for them incredibly easily because not a lot of people watched early dsmp and know that truthfully it was chaotic even then, and that dream was chaotic too. not to mention wilbur soot tried very hard to secede peacefully with l’manberg and dream jumped directly into war with no warning. and then people say he was forced into their war when, no, he started it.

theres also people who will say like, dream and sapnap for example are such good friends. i’m sure they cared for each other, but dream on multiple occasions has done horrible things to sapnap with no regard for his feelings (like leading fundy to sapnaps pets during the petwar, leading tommy to sapnaps pets during the other petwar and encouraging him to kill them, handing mars over to tommy to use as leverage against sapnap, etc). george he’s been less awful too but he certainly spoke over him and ignored his feelings enough that george felt hurt. he had places in his hall of attachments for beckerson and mars. george and sapnap were right to walk away from being treated like that.

there’s also what you just said here — “dream puts on a villain persona for tommy”— but honestly he acts like that around quite a few people (example: eret) and it’s usually when he’s revealing crucial info, which leads me and many others to believe that ‘persona’ is actually a more truthful version of him.

there’s the fact that he really isn’t safe for people to be around (or at least he wasn't before the prison) because he was planning to come up with ways to control every single person by stealing and threatening their attachments (some of which were not items but were living animals, or a real breathing person).

and then people will say dream was doing exile to enforce rules, or to keep the peace— when it’s very clear in canon it was a deliberate plan to get tommy on his own and into the prison. (from the way he was framing tommy for multiple crimes, and having sam set up the prison, and kidnapping tommy instead of correctly exiling him, all at the same time).

not even going into how he wants to kill and revive people for fun or make tommy immortal.

it’s just— ignoring all these actual facts and saying “oh he misses his friends, let’s get him some friends now” reminds me of like. when people would put flower crowns on pictures of serial killers. and then, there’s hardly anyone on the server who wasn’t subject to dream’s plans, so there’s absolutely no one i would be okay with him interacting with.

just remembered about the torture thing, and wow i still hate it so much. it’s someone’s sick revenge fantasy twisted into a way to get a manipulative villain sympathy, and it’s just gross to me on every account. i do think dream is traumatized-- just not by l’manberg, which was a conflict he started on his own terms. i would think l’manberg did affect him, because he was scared of losing control.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again— my ideal ending for dream would be for him to be sent far away from dsmp to an island full of therapy animals and super strong therapists who have never met him before. and for him to get a shit ton of therapy until he becomes a halfway normal person. and then eventually he could get integrated into society again; but a different one with new people. (although maybe dteam + bbh + puffy can visit him, they might still like him.)

none of the people on the server (who have all been affected by dream) should be burdened with befriending him or rehabilitating him— look how that turned out with sam! sam had a personal grudge towards dream and it ended with the poor dude being tortured every day; and sam himself falling into corruption and literally cutting off his boyfriends arm. like we can all see thats fucking awful right?

no one who was affected by dream should have to deal with him ever again. and contrary to popular belief, that includes a LOT more people then just tommy. dream isn’t just tommy’s antagonist, hes almost everybody’s.

the only person on the server who might also be able to stand to help dream is techno, and that’s from sheer lack of ability to give a shit. but techno is probably THE furthest thing from a good therapist there is lol, and dream needs better then that.

this kind of just ended up being a rant about my thoughts on c!dream, so im so sorry op. especially since it was probably negative for you. i hope you’re doing very well.

i guess in the end it’s true what you said— people will highlight or ignore things based on what characters they like, and it’s especially easy to do in this fandom, where half the content doesn’t even get watched and then we become a big echo chamber of half-truths.

considering dream has hurt so many of the characters i care about, i almost can’t understand how he could be someone’s favorite or comfort character— but he is nonetheless, and it would be unfair of me to be rude about that.

essentially it just bothers me to see someone who was a perpetrator of accurately portrayed abuse and manipulation (using both those words in their actual definitions, not just as random buzzwords lol) being given the flower crown edit effect. especially since he’s hurt the characters i care about a lot.

ANYWAY all of that being said (this got LONG im so sorry op) i am so so excited to get dream’s pov, because although i disagree with his actions strongly i actually find dream’s character very interesting and cool, and watching his POV is going to insanely fun. i cannot wait to see what theories get confirmed or denied

ALSO incase it wasn’t clear this is all /nm at you! you seem lovely and smart, and neither of us can help what characters we get attached to :]

#c!dream critical #dream meta #og post #hey guys i would actually like some feedback on this one since i worked hard on it #rbs are okay and encouraged :] #my meta

[purplerose244]

My thoughts on Seabound!!! 🌊🌊🌊 (3/4)

SPOILERS ALERT!!!

Yep yep yep, I'm liking this season a lot! 😍 Although I hope we'll get into a more frantic situation now, like with more battles and more bonding moments (Nya and Maya hopefully, but with Bentho too 🦈🦈🦈)! We got half a season to go, I'M READY!! 😎😎

Alright, here we go!

GENERAL THOUGHTS

I do like the season a lot, maybe MoM was a little more cohesive? Idk but it's not a big complain, I still love it so far 😍

Also maybe I would've liked more interactions between Nya and Maya about how they've been apart for so long, they had a chit chat but I would've loved even more. Maybe with Nya saying that it was fine and she grew up only to realize she is still hurt by that, even though it wasn't Maya's fault. I still like how they did it, I wished there was more that's it 🤷‍♀️

While I do make sense to Maya's behavior, that while it seems a little different from Hands of Time it had its logic in my opinion, maybe Ray feels a little weird? He seems less courageous than before, and it was established that he is a hothead like his son so that came off as unusual 🤔🤔

But I do love the fact that he's here and he's bonding with his son, for real, I've been waiting for this for so long so I'm happy nonetheless 🤩

Maybe I'm just easy to please and I take all I can get idk 😅

THE STORM AMULET

Oh, are we gonna address the wind element? It feels like we haven't really seen a Morro reference since Hands of Time, that would be cool! 😍 I mean, why even mentioning the wind then 😅😅

Well what do you know, they tracked them, who saw that coming?... me, I saw that coming... we all did probably 🤷‍♀️

Jay took upon himself making a quick recap on how Ninjago will be destroyed this time, thanks Bluebell 👌

Yep nyeheh electricity makes Nya go crazy for sure ❤💙 ... wait it wasn't a Jaya pun?

Jay wear your seatbelt please, you risk you life enough 😅😅 Pff lol "are we there yet" and they are actually there, biggest plot twist I've ever heard of 😂

LEGO HUG 💜💜💜

And with someone who might as well join the League of Jay apparently 💙

I liked The Island yet it was not as exciting as I hoped for, but now understand the meaning of it. The ninja helped the keepers and they are all allies. Without The Island the moment where Mammatus gives Nya the amulet wouldn't be as meaningful

Is it just me or Nya looked even more gorgeous during that moment?... just me huh? Okay then 😂💕

Wait that's a fake? Wait... UNCLE POWERS?!? OMG THAT I ACTUALLY DIDN'T SEE COMING 🤯

Here I thought he was just messing around, he always makes things harder 😅 Or maybe better? I mean, they kinda missed a bullet on this one...

BENTHO IS SO SWEET AND COOL OMG HE IS ALREADY OUR FRIEND 💙🦈💙🦈

Jay somehow had his own TV show in the past and yet he's got that horrible acting skills wth 😂😂😂

Kalmaar is a very cool villain, like, deeply evil. Not only he's calculated and merciless, he stops at nothing to get what he wants. And the people that get in the way? He wants them to suffer because they had dared to confront him 😳

And yes the voice does help a lot, I'm sorry I'll keep saying it until the season is over 😂 (or even beyond? Please cast Giles again LEGO 🥺🥺🥺)

Awww Nya no my poor girl 😢 Jay wanted to hug her to comfort her he is so sweet my SHIP ❤💙❤💙

MOM PEP TALK MOM PEP TALK!!! 🤩🤩🤩 How cool was it?

Like, this isn't even Maya asking Nya to believe in herself, this is her saying that she KNOWS her daughter can do anything when she puts her mind into it. FINALLY SHE SEES HOW AMAZING WATER GODDESS IS 💜💜💜

MORE LEGO TEARS OMG THIS SEASON IS FILLED WITH TEARS 😱 Which... kinda makes sense considering it's a water based season 😂

Nice one, and now? NOW WE GO BACK TO KAI COLE AND RAY YAS!!! ❤🖤❤🖤

RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX

That is... surprisingly Egypt theme like? It feels like a title coming from the Fire Chapter of season 11... well we got two fire elementals so 😍😍

SPARRING KAI AND RAY

I REPEAT SPARRING KAI AND RAY!!! SPARRING KAI AND RAY!!! ❤❤❤ Lol Ray got old, but how can someone blame him? He did touch death while aging in Hands of Time, I'm just happy he is alive 😂

Yep, master prankster Wu, that's what I love 👌👌 I always thought Wu had become a father figure for Kai at the beginning, so seeing Ray and Wu in the same picture feels very wholesome to me 😚

Ah, uncle Powers, I both love you and hate you so freaking much 😌😌 But you make cool slides nonetheless 😂

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH BEAUTIFUL SMITH INTERACTIONS??

BECAUSE I LIKE IT KEEP GOING 🤩

Oh no you guys are stranded on an island whatever are you going to do?? It's not like you had already before and managed to survive (Skybound) or you got stranded on a rock in a sea of sand filled with giant monsters (Fire Chapter) or you were on a freaking COMET in SPACE (Rebooted). Yeee, this is the worst yet 🙂

I'm starting to think these ninja are just a bunch of drama queens so no matter what happens, it's always hopeless 😂😂 I feel like I'm kinda right on this one honestly 😛

Whoa whoa WHOA WHO IS NYAD THIS SOUNDS VERY COOL???

Aww I like that, while Ray told his kids stories about dragons and how they traveled through the Underworld, Maya told them about Nya the first water master that could summon whales 💙❤💙❤

Pff imagine if it turned out Nya was the master of fire, carrying a very water based name? Lol

Maya: I would know if it was possible!

Nya: Yeah, like she knows that I can control a bit of ice because it's frozen water

Maya:...

Maya: YOU WHAT

I find both interesting and very annoying that this explorers club thinks so highly of themselves, to the point the deny to aid even the FREAKING SAVIORS OF THEIR FREAKING LAND 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Misako got good reflexes after all, Kai was probably ready to melt this guy's face 😅

Oh, so a trial by Sphinx is a challenge? A mental one? A cultural one? A physical one? Idk but Misako is actually taking charge and that is cool I guess 🤷‍♀️

Okay this is kind of weird, how is Ray so afraid? Is it because there's fire?... did he... did he grow afraid of fire for some reason? Because it feels a bit off for now, but if there is a deeper meaning that could be interesting 🤔

Wait is that the riddle from Decoded? That's fire right?

IT IS FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Lol at least in this one Kai wasn't completely ignored 😂 I know my flame babe isn't the most rational person, but I do like that it was an answer connected to his element where he used his head!

Ah Clutch, you really got no backbone 😅 And apparently you're the only explorer who doesn't, dang look at the others go! I'm having a bit more respect for them now 😚

LOOK AT SENSEI GO FINALLY!!! 😍😍 FIGHTING SCENES HECK YES!!!

Kalmaar: I'm your conquerer

Wu: so after skeletons, the serpentine, nindroids, the Stone Army, Chen's army, ghosts, oni, more snakes but on fire and people from a game, that makes you the tenth. Have a free cookie

Kalmaar:...

Wu: you're not special

Is this a little throwback to Possession too? Nya seems to always control better water when she doesn't actually think about it. When her feelings are free, so are her powers 🌊🌊🌊

Also this opens up more possibilities! Creatures connected with other elements might get summoned too! I would love something like that 😍😍

This was NEAT, or maybe I just missed Kai that much ❤ What's next??

PAPERGIRL

ANTONIAAAAAAAA!!!! MY GIRL IS BACK!!! All my girls are back in this season, I'm so happy 😍😍😍 And if she is here, sweet little Nelson has to be around and I cannot wait! Bring in the purple ninja! 💜

Owww Antonia's last day as a papergirl? Nooo why??

She's got a job at the... DAIRY DRAGON??? OMG OMG OMG IT'S THE ICE CREAM PLACE BRAGI TOLD US ABOUT ON TWITTER!!! 🤩🤩🤩 I remember the post, he was asking about names for the place and ice cream flavors. Now I can't wait to see what did he choose 🍦🍦🍦

UNAGAMI BABY HI HONEY!!! 🙋‍♀️ I hope he's doing great 😘😘

This is so cool honestly, Antonia got her own character arc going on! Living in a chaotic city like Ninjago City must be pretty dang exhausting 😅

Was... was that Dareth in the garbage can? Am I wrong? Poor brown ninja 😅🤎😅

SPINJITZU SWIRL, BANANAKHAN, ORANGE SERPENTINE, I'M DYING 😂😂😂

Their friendship is so wholesome, I'm so happy they are still together no matter what happens 💕

I thought Kalmaar wasn't much of a fighter but DANG he's got skills! Also the fact that he uses tentacles makes the fight very cool to watch! 😚😚

RAY RUNNING IN AFTER KAI GOT HURT HECK YES ❤❤❤

Well at least you tried Ray 😅

Ah, little cameo of the original Weekend Whip, always nice to hear it again... AND DO THE WEEKEND WHIP!!! 🌪🌪🌪

EVEN NELSON GOT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'M SO PROUD 💜

I don't even know what is cooler, the kids being mad lads on their bikes, Kalmaar driving a TRUCK or Kai going full parkour on the buildings to follow them 🤯

I'm sorry... am I the only one that during the Kai and Kalmaar talk kinda thought of Jestro and Clay? I miss my boys from NK, they're even more at odds now 😭😭

KAI YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE OR EVEN TRY TO DIE GET BACK HERE AT ONCE 😱😱

Kalmaar just loves to make everyone feel inferior, gotta be his hobby 😶

Oh good Kai is back

OH NOT GOOD KAI IS NOT BREATHING?!? FLAME BABE I TOLD YOU YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE 😱😱😱

Antonia, Nelson, you guys are now my heroes. You saved my fave, I'll be forever in dept with you ❤❤❤ Am I being overdramatic? Most likely, but Kai is one of the few that didn't almost die or did die in a dramatic situation and he is also my absolute favorite character so that... kinda keeps my sanity in check in this show 🥴

I wonder... does he still not know how to swim? He saved Lloyd in Possession but I wonder if he was only trying to float on the surface... THAT'S TERRIFYING

This episode was so adorable, I love Antonia and Nelson so much 💜💕💜💕 It's nice to see what the other people of Ninjago do while everything goes mad 🤣

Wait hang on my Ninjajan is a little rusty

"Ninjago City. City that never sleeps" well if that ain't the truth 😂

MASTER OF THE SEA

Like Master of the Mountain? Wait are we going back to Shintaro?? VANYA?? ANOTHER BEST GIRL RETURNS??? 💛

Hey hey hey, we got a full Nyad backstory! I really like when they do these little drawn shots, they feel more like legends! And... the ending sounds terrifying? Like, they wouldn't let Nya sacrifice herself and die... again... right? 😱

Bentho: and the world was in balance, until now because of my brother

Lloyd: and the Overlord before of course

Bentho: the what now?

Lloyd: the evil one my grandpa the first Spinjitzu Master fought?

Bentho: YOUR WHAT NOW

Why do I like this offscreen "hiiiyaaa" that sensei Wu does before actually going into the scene? 😂😂

No matter if they come from the underground or the sea, these are all snake-like creature with the same intellect 😅 Kalmaar and Garmadon would have a lot to talk about, sea king dealing with his minions does remind me of Lord Garmadon in season 2 a lot 😂😂

KAI AND RAY FIGHTING TOGETHER KAI AND RAY FIGHTING TOGETHER ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤

OMG Kalmaar is such a brat and petty villain I love him so much 😂😂😂 Yes I didn't even mention his amazing voice!... AH DANG IT 😳😳

*Misako kicks Kalmaar and is actually useful* 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️

*Misako gets taken as hostage immediately after* 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

KAI LITERALLY JUST GOT SAVED FROM DROWNING WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO HIM!!!... and Ray and Cole and Wu of course, I care okay 😅

OMG that face 🤣🤣🤣

That some meme material right there

Whoa Vincent that voice just got super up when the Unsinkable showed up, it kinda sounded like Jay's lol

NO NOT BENTHO!!! 😢😢😢

Kai: Nya talks to whales now? (I snorted so hard at this 😂😂)

HECK YES NYA GOT THE AMULET!! 😍😍😍 ... we got, like, four more episodes to go so something needs to happen in between... do I need to be scared? I feel like I need to be scared 😅

Jay starting a fire then blaming Kai?... this is so in character I got chills 😂😂

SHARK BOY IS STAYING TO THE MONASTERY THIS IS SO PRECIOUS!!! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 I want all the shenanigans and we need to write fanfictions about more shenanigans and AAAAHHHHH 🦈🦈🦈

Bless these two fire idiots

They own my heart ❤🔥❤🔥 Also Vincent, this is supposed to be a fun little gag moment, your amazing voice acting is kinda distracting me 😭😭😭

ANOTHER LEGO HUG

YOU GUYS ARE SPOILING ME OVER HERE HECK YES 💙🌊💙🌊

Maya learned that her daughter is capable of everything, I love that. Nya simply understood that she doesn't have to give up when something gets difficult. She is AMAZING and can do anything she puts her mind into. She simply has to hold on until the end 💪💪💪

Omg Benthomaar playing billiard with the guys I already love this 😍😍

YES IT IS SHINTARO!!! THE UPPLY ARE HERE OMG!!! HI VANYA YOU LOOK AMAZING GIRL MISS YOU I HOPE YOU'RE DOING OKAY!!! 💛💛💛 ... I just really like Master of the Mountain okay 😅

I love how Vanya doesn't even question it. It comes from Cole and he said it needs to be protected? Done and done 👌

Wait what, did something fall?

IS THAT THE FAKE?!?!? WHAT HOW WHEN??? UNCLE POWERS??? OR KALMAAR DID SOMETHING??? SOMEONE??? I'M LEGIT CONFUSED AND EXCITED??? 🤯🤯🤯

Well dang, I didn't see that coming, now what Seabound? What do you have for me?

#ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago seabound #ninjago spoilers #ninjago season 15 #spoilers #ninjago nya #nya smith #ninjago kai #kai smith #ninjago jay #jay walker #ninjago zane #zane julien #ninjago cole #cole brookstone #ninjago pixal #pixal borg #ninjago lloyd #lloyd garmadon #ninjago benthomaar #benthomaar #ninjago kalmaar #kalmaar #ninjago maya #maya smith #ninjago ray #ray smith #ninjago wu #master wu

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

[does-this-look-logicality-to-you]

Ordinary

words: 3256 universe: human AU characters: Patton, Logan, Poman pairings: romantic Logicality, platonic Royality warnings: angst, crying, kissing (which i’m not very good at writing in the first place) a/n: this is a sequel to “little miss perfect”, an absolutely wonderful fic written by an absolutely wonderful person, @katlikethesword​. this is my first songfic, and my first time writing a kissing scene, so i hope it’s okay. enjoy!

I notice how she looks at me, but I pretend that I don’t see. It’s easier if I let the tension subside. It had been three months since Patton had last spoken to Logan. It tore at his heart every time he saw his friend avoiding his gaze, averting his eyes whenever they met Patton’s. He missed Logan horribly; after all, he had always considered the intelligent boy to be one of his best friends. Patton often wondered if Logan hated him. After the last time they’d spoken, he wouldn’t be surprised. He’d moved much too quickly, and had made a fool of himself. As usual.

I’ve seen it in the books I read, a magic that you cannot see. There’s no limitations, they wear it with pride. Patton was standing by his locker, getting ready for his next class. His eyes fell on a drawing he had attached to the door of Steven and Connie from Steven Universe. Roman had drawn this for him as a gift for his last birthday, a very nice drawing that had taken him days to complete. Patton stopped for a moment. They looked so happy together, without a care in the world. He couldn’t help but wish he and Logan could be like that again, like they used to— whether he wanted their relationship to be platonic or not, he wasn’t sure. Still, why couldn’t it be that easy?

But the characters I read never act or look like me. I can’t depend on them to lead me through the right door. Suddenly, Patton felt a soft tap on his shoulder. He spun around and, to his delight, there was Logan. “Logan!” His voice was probably about five times as loud as it had to be, but he didn’t care at all. Logan was talking to him again! By his own free will!  “I’ve missed you! Where have you been?” “I’ve still been in school, Patton. I’m legally obligated to be here, after all.” Logan gave Patton one of his rare, genuine smiles, making his heart do a flip in his chest. “That’s a good point. So what’s up?” Patton asked him. “Well, I actually wanted to ask you if you would like to come to my house tomorrow night? My parents will be out of town, and I figured it would be a good time to reconnect.” Hold the phone. Logan wasn’t mad at him? He wanted to see him? And spend time with him? “That sounds perfect, Lo! I’ll absolutely be there.” He beamed up at his friend and was rewarded with another smile. “Good to hear. I’ll see you then.”

And what’s the point of falling when I know I’m only stalling? For the rest of the day, Patton could hardly focus in class. His thoughts all went back to Logan, Logan, Logan. What had prompted him to invite him over? Why had he stayed away for so long? What was going to happen that night? Was it going to be awkward, after what had happened before? Were they going to be alone, or were there going to be other people there? This went on for the rest of the day, which meant that he had hardly thought about anything else. After the last class of the day had ended, Roman was waiting at the door. “Hey, Pat. You okay? You’ve been kinda zoned out all day.” “Oh, yeah, I’m- I’m fine!” Patton replied cheerfully. “Just… got a lot on my mind, that’s all.” Roman gave a knowing smirk as the two of them started heading out of the building. “Wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain nerd, would it?” “What?” Patton let out an awkward laugh. “I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about!” “Uh-huh. Okay, sure. It’s not like I saw him talking to you in the hall earlier or anything. For the first time in months. What was that all about?” “Nothing!” “Looked like a little more than nothing.” “He just asked if I could come over tomorrow.” They reached the building’s exit. Patton held the door for Roman as he passed. “It’s not that big a deal, he’s my friend.” “Yeah, because friends ignore each other for three months, and then suddenly invite them over out of the blue.” Patton went silent for a moment. “It’s… It’s complicated.” “Whatever you say, Padre,” Roman chuckled. “I’ll text you the notes when I get home, okay?” “Thanks, Roman. I really appreciate that.” “No problem.” Roman started toward the school parking lot. “You driving home?” Patton shook his head. “I’m walking today. It wasn’t my turn to take the car this morning.” “I can drive you home, if you want.” “No, that’s okay. I can walk.” “It’s really no problem. C’mon, hop in.” Patton opened his mouth to object, but Roman was already opening the door and pushing him into the passenger seat. Patton buckled his seatbelt as his friend went around the car, got into the passenger seat, and turned on the engine. “You know where I live, right?” “‘Course I do.” “Really? You sure you won’t get lost.” “Patton, I’ve been to your house dozens of times. I know exactly where you live.” Roman buckled his seatbelt and backed out of the parking spot. “So, what’re you gonna wear tomorrow night?” “Probably the same thing I’m wearing to school that day.” Roman shook his head as he left the school parking lot and turned right. “No, absolutely not. You’ve gotta look nice! This is your first date!” “It’s not a date!” “Did he invite you over?” “Yeah, but—” “Is anyone else gonna be there?” “I dunno. I don’t think so.” “It’s totally a date. So you need to wear something nice. What about that skirt you got last weekend? The light blue one, with the cats on it?” “Do you think he’ll like it?” “Oh, he’s gonna love it.” Their conversation went on like this for a while. Patton found it refreshing to talk about his feelings with Roman without anyone else around to hear. Soon enough, Roman arrived at Patton’s house. Patton got out of the car and onto the sidewalk by his house. “Bye, Pat!” Roman called, rolling his window down. “I’ll see ya tomorrow!” Patton  waved goodbye. “Bye!” With that, Roman drove away. Patton sighed and, dragging his feet, trudged to the front door of his house.

‘Cause I have to go back home… where I’m just one in the herd, tripping over my words, trying hard to go with the grain, keeping the quirks in my brain. As usual, Patton received no acknowledgement upon entering his house. His mom was on the phone, likely talking to one of her clients, and his dad was playing outside with his two little sisters. This didn’t surprise him; nobody in his family ever greeted him when he got home. Sighing, Patton headed up to his room, throwing his backpack down on the floor and laying on his bed. He took out his phone and opened Tumblr, scrolling absent-mindedly.

I’m on the brink of discovery I think, but what if I’m dreaming? That’s what it seems like. Logan hardly left Patton’s mind the rest of the night. His head buzzed with endless questions for his classmate, none of which he would dare ask. Why had he invited Patton over? Why was he only now expressing a desire to rekindle their friendship, after avoiding him for so long? Patton knew he should probably resent Logan for acting as if he didn’t exist. After all, he wasn’t sure he had done anything wrong. Had he? Maybe he had, and he just didn’t remember. After all, he did have a pretty lousy memory. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to be upset with Logan. He couldn’t help it; he cared too much for him to harbor any hard feelings. He instead felt relief that Logan hadn’t given up on their friendship, alongside a giddy kind of excitement for the next night. He loved all of his friends, of course, but there was something different about Logan. The way he listened intently to Patton’s ramblings no matter how absurd they were, the subtle smile that crossed his face when he was amused by Patton’s ridiculous puns and not wanting to admit it, the way he went off on tangents about the things that interested him. All of these little things, to which nobody else seemed to notice, were what made Logan special. All of a sudden, Patton felt a twist of fear in his chest. What if tomorrow went horribly wrong? What if this was some kind of elaborate joke? What if he messed up somehow, and made Logan hate him all over again? Patton shook his head to clear it. Everything would be fine. It had to be.

‘Cause this girl thinks I’m part of her world, and that new territory’s scary. If I turn the handle, am I asking for a scandal? Patton stood at the door, fidgeting with his skirt. The same worries that had swarmed in his head the night before remained all throughout the day, no matter how hard he’d tried to ignore them. Finally, after hours of waiting and worrying and wondering, he was standing on Logan’s front porch. He took a deep breath, smoothed out his shirt, and rang the doorbell. Almost immediately, the door swung open, and Logan was standing in front of him. The sight of Patton seemed to take him off guard, opening and closing his mouth as if searching for the right words. Patton broke the silence. “Whaddya think, Lo?” he asked, swishing his skirt a little. “I saw it had cats on it and I knew I had to get it immediately.” “You look… magnificent. I mean gorgeous! No, I mean good! You look good, Patton.” He couldn’t help but giggle. He’d always found it endearing when Logan got all flustered like this. “I know what you mean, don’t worry. Thanks!” Logan moved out of his way, and Patton stepped inside. “Make yourself at home.” He followed the other boy into the living room and sat down on the couch.

Should I try to be ordinary? “So… what do you wanna do?” Patton asked, feeling a bit awkward. “It’s up to you. You’re my guest, after all.” “Yeah, I guest that’s true,” he cracked with a goofy grin. Logan rolled his eyes, groaning. “You haven’t been here for a minute and you’re already making puns?” “Aww, c’mon, you gotta admit, they’re pretty pun-derful!” Despite his dramatic eye-roll, Patton didn’t miss the soft laugh that escaped Logan’s lips, making his heart skip a beat. Baaah!

I’ve always been a little odd, the only pea inside the pod. That’s not an expression, I’m guessing, oh well. Before long, the two were going about their night as if nothing had changed. Logan had ordered a pizza— Patton had offered to pay multiple times but he had insisted on it being “his treat”— and they ate their dinner on the couch, watching Steven Universe. Logan had nestled between Patton’s legs, Patton’s arms draped around him. A peculiar sight for many, but it wasn’t that unusual for them. Patton was a naturally affectionate person, and Logan didn’t seem to mind his cuddly tendencies. When the episode ended, Patton was struck with an idea.

“Let me braid your hair!” he blurted without thinking. See, that’s exactly what I mean! I’m just as awkward as I seem! Plus she makes me nervous, I hope she can’t tell. Embarrassment flooded over him. What a stupid thing to stay! He hadn’t been prompted by anything, they hadn’t even said much at all, and here he was suggesting something Logan surely thought was childish! “What?” “Let me braid your hair! I have two younger sisters, so I know how! Plus I think your hair would look really good braided!” His suggestion may have been stupid, but he couldn’t retract it now. Logan looked as if he was about to object, but, in an act of desperation, Patton broke out his secret weapon: his puppy-dog eyes. “Alright, fine.” Logan’s reluctant response discouraged Patton more than he would like to admit, but he didn’t show it. Instead, he just clapped happily, cheering in triumph. Gosh, he must look so ridiculous! “You’re too tall to do it like this,” he said. “Here, lay down in my lap.” Logan moved to do as he was told, and Patton slipped into the familiar motions of braiding, using his fingers to comb through his silky hair.

What is it she sees in this cluster clump of me? Or, could it maybe be I’m going crazy? And hey, who am I kidding? This isn't some sweet beginning! Just a detour to the end. Then back to the herd, tripping over my words, trying hard to go with the grain, ignoring the quirks in my brain. It didn’t take long for Patton to finish the braid, as Logan’s hair was much shorter than what he was used to. Satisfied with his handiwork, Patton started to lean back. Alarm shot through him as Logan reached up and grasped his shirt. His deep brown eyes met Patton’s. The voice inside his head was yelling at him, urging him to kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM! I’m on the brink of discovery, I think. “If you’re uncomfortable, please tell me to stop,” Logan breathed, before Patton could do anything. “What? Why would I be uncom—?”

But what if I’m dreaming…? Patton didn’t get to finish his sentence as Logan’s lips met his, moving his hands to Patton’s cheeks. He felt his heart soar as he kissed back, closing his eyes and taking Logan’s face in his own hands as if it had always belonged there. He took in the moment, wanting to remember all of this, as he kissed the boy he loved at last. All of a sudden, Logan pushed him away and dashed out of the room as Patton felt his heart shatter.

Do I rewind, induce amnesia? Pretend I didn’t see her? Succumb to stupid fear? Or just believe in my heart? Patton just sat there, tears rolling down his face, in shock and in disbelief, trying to process what had just happened. That kiss, that small handful of seconds, had felt more perfect, more right, than anything he had ever experienced. But Logan’s reaction… he had been the one to initiate it in the first place, so why did he panic like that? Was it because of Patton? Had he done something wrong? Was he that bad a kisser? When they’d kissed, Logan had seemed so sure in his actions. He had been the one to initiate the kiss in the first place, so why did he run away? If it wasn’t Patton’s fault, then what other reason would there be? Patton sat there, pondering for a while. After what felt like an eternity, Logan returned. Patton looked up at him, and just seeing Logan’s expression made his heart ache. “Lo?” He cringed mentally at how pathetic he sounded. “I’m sorry, Patton. I don’t know what overtook me. Silly impulses, I’m sure. It would be best for both of us if we acted as if this never happened.” Patton blinked back the fresh tears that began to form in his eyes. “Do you not… like me that way? I thought that after what happened in the bathroom, I might actually have a shot with you. I guess not.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I do like you, Patton.” The other boy sat down beside him. “It’s just that the people at school… what will they do if they find out that I’m…?” He trailed off. Patton looked at him. Was that all he was worried about? A handful of other students judging him because he was attracted to men? Why play a part? Why follow the herd? Why not trust in my words? Don’t wanna go with the grain! Why try to make myself plain? I’m on the brink of rediscovery, I think. So what if I’m dreaming? I like the scene that I’m in! “Gay?” he finished for him. “Logan, please don’t start with that,” he pleaded. “Who cares what they think? It’s just high school.” “Yes, but high school leads to college, and college leads to graduate school, and graduate school leads to the rest of our careers.” Logan slumped his shoulders. “I have to be perfect if I want to achieve everything I want to do.” “Logan, no one is going to care who you do or don’t kiss in high school. It won’t affect your future at all, assuming that you and I…” He couldn’t bear the thought of it. “don’t see each other after high school.” They were silent again for a minute. Did Logan really care about his reputation that much? Patton hadn’t realized how important it was to him. More important than friendship or even romance, that he couldn’t tell.

And this girl is a part of this world. The thought of being normal’s far more scary. “No, I… I really do like you a lot, Pat. And if I could, I’d love to try dating you some day. But the others at school—” Patton let out an exasperated noise and leaned forward to kiss Logan again, this time only for a few moments. “Forget about the others at school for a second, Logan! Literally no one will care! Sure, people will spread gossip for a week, but then they’ll move on to some other thing. Think about what you want here, right now.”

I’ll be brave and I’ll be kind. I’ll make a choice and change my mind. I will mess up all the time. They’ll say I’m weird but I’ll be fine. He looked into Logan’s eyes, his exasperation giving way to fondness. “Why did you kiss me?” “Because I’ve wanted to for several years,” he replied without hesitation. “Okay. And do you want to kiss me again?” “Yes, very much so.” Patton forced himself to keep his voice steady as he said, “Then do it.” Logan didn’t argue; he simply leaned toward Patton and lightly pressed his lips to his. “Do you want to kiss me again?” Patton repeated once Logan pulled away, feeling confidence building up inside him. He nodded. “Do it, then.” Again, Logan obeyed, this time letting the kiss last a few seconds longer. Patton couldn’t stop the smirk that spread across his face. “Do you still care about what the others at school will say?” he asked. Logan didn’t answer with words this time. He instead surged forward and once again his lips met Patton’s. Instead of pulling back again, like Patton had expected, Logan held the kiss. Patton moved his tongue ever so gently against Logan’s teeth, and the other parted his lips for entry. Everything was perfect— in Patton’s eyes at least— and neither seemed to want to pull away. When they finally did, Patton found himself on top of Logan. He worried for a moment that Logan would try to pull away again, but he didn’t. “If you want me to stop kissing you, I will,” he told him, smiling softly. “But do you get my point now?” He nodded. “Screw the others.” He moved his hands to his cheeks. “You’re right, it doesn’t matter what they say.” Patton’s smile widened, nodding. Without either saying a word, Logan sat up and kissed him once again. I’ll be anything but ordinary!

#sanders sides #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #ts patton #ts logan #ts roman #logicality #platonic logicality #romantic logicality #platonic royality #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #songfic #angst #angst tw #tw angst #tw: angst #crying #crying tw #tw crying #tw: crying #kissing #kissing tw #tw kissing #tw: kissing

[blindbeta]

Hi! First off, I'd like to say your blog has been an amazing resource and thank you for all the feedback you've given people. I'm writing a sci-fi/fantasy story and one of the protagonists is blind due to having no eyes. They are not human and the "no eyes" thing is not considered normal for their species. Their parents are well-meaning but horribly ableist to the point of funding a corrupt research facility in exchange for a possible "cure". I wanted to use this because I think it helps illustrate an aspect of their people's culture that needs to change as well as the desperation, misguided as it may be, to "help" a loved one, which is a theme that comes up later. However, looking at it again, I'm not sure how appropriate that is, given how damaging real life ableism is and how I am not disabled myself. I was also wondering what your thoughts are related to the kind of blind jokes where the joke has more to do with someone else forgetting the blind character can't see, like in Avatar

Blind Character With No Eyes, a Bit of Info on Prosthetic Eyes, Ableist Parents Who Want a Cure, and Possible Blind Jokes

Hi anon! Thanks for your question. I have helped someone with a similar question before, so I’ll use some of the same resources and if you need more help, feel free to ask.

I’m not sure how I feel about the no eyes thing. Personally I would prefer to see prosthetic eyes used in media more. If this character was born with no eyes, it might be okay, but generally the loss of eyes can affect the bone structure of the face. So, with that in mind, I assume this would also be a risk of being born with no eyes. Depending on the type of creature this character is, you might be able to deal with this if you account for it in the narrative. At the very least, they might have a ‘comforter’ put in to support the structure of their face.

Since this character is not human, it is up to you. If you go the prosthetic eyes route, you can make it more relatable for blind readers, especially because prosthetic eyes are uncommon in sci-fi creatures. I don’t have a prosthetic eye myself, but here is an FAQ about the process of getting a prosthetic eye. These fake eyes do cost a lot, but if the character’s parents fund a research facility, I don’t think it would be a problem. Joy Ross also has videos of her prosthetic eyes on YouTube. Her channel was suggested to me by a follower I helped with some prosthetic eye research.

As always, I suggest having at least one other blind character at minimum.

If you decide to continue with the no eyes thing, I would advise researching animals born with no eyes and seeing what happened with them. You might be able to research humans as well, but I don’t know how human-like your character is. You can also research how to write changes in bone structure due to a lack of eyes. If you don’t, the lack of changes should be explained somehow in the story. If you go this route, I would suggest adding more blind characters aside from the main character. My suggestion is at least two other blind characters with different kinds of blindness, but if you can add more, that would help.

As for the cure part, I like the focus on ableism and the ableism in wanting a cure for their blind child. I think it is a nice contrast to the prevalent cure narrative. It could also possibly help readers see how common and upsetting this can be, how wanting a cure when your child doesn’t tells them they aren’t accepted as they are and that their bodily autonomy is not respected as it should be. I will say that this is a very sensitive subject in real life and will require not only nuance, but also a few sensitivity readers. @sensitivityreaders should be useful.

This type of parenting is surprisingly common even if it takes different forms. It can be unwanted religious healing, discouraging blind kids from using a cane or reading Braille, assuming the child wants to be cured, limiting what the child is allowed to attempt, and surgeries. I have experience with many of these myself from different areas of my life, although not as much from my parents.

The sensitive part comes in with how you portray the parents. They should be relatable, but still portrayed as in the wrong. Because even loving their child does not mean they cannot be ableist, especially because their society, like ours, wouldn’t tell them they are wrong. The cure narrative is so prevalent that non-disabled people think it’s okay because they would want a cure for their disability if they had one. The reality is that, unless it causes them pain, many people with physical disabilities do not wish for a cure. A cure may even be impossible or painful for them and hoping for one might decrease their chances of getting aids they need or managing their disability or condition in a way that works best for them.

For example, would the parents discourage the character from using a cane while they wait for this cure? And is there even a cure for such a condition? There certainly isn’t one in real life.

As for if you should continue with the parental ableism plot, I’m not sure. Part of me thinks you could pull it off if you have a lot of sensitivity readers (with as many blind readers as possible). I also think having a few blind characters with supportive, accepting parents would be helpful. I also feel like it might be one of those stories I really like it if it is portrayed well. It isn’t that I think non-blind people shouldn’t write such a thing, but this is also one of those times where I don’t know what the wider community thinks either. And this could go badly if not handled well.

However, we also don’t see this type of story as often, with the cure being portrayed as obviously bad. With parents who are otherwise loving being portrayed as ableist because they want to cure their child. Something that is normally portrayed as a good thing by writers who don’t know what they’re doing.

I would suggest avoiding parents being otherwise abusive, forcing or coercing the character into surgeries, and otherwise taking away any of their bodily autonomy. This has real life consequences and I know I don’t want to read about it from the point of view of someone who has never experienced it. I also don’t want to see the character face unnecessarily physical altercations or violence or medical trauma.

I personally would feel better if this was just an emotional or mental thing. I don’t want to see the character get hurt or be forced into anything. It sounds like you aren’t planning on anything like that, but I wanted to share all my thoughts just in case they are helpful to you or anyone who is reading. I would also feel better if, after publishing this and being paid, you were able to donate a bit of your author rates to organizations for blind people in your country. Assuming you are going that route. If not, you could simply share some helpful links along with your story, both resources and educational links for people who aren’t disabled.

If you decide to write this plot, I’m going to say it should be fine for me personally as long as you also have sensitivity readers and have other blind characters (more than one extra) who has non-ableist parents.

In terms of the extra blind characters, here is my thinking so you have it all together. You need:

-at least 1 other blind character at minimum to avoid tokenism, if you don’t have 1 already.

-if you go with the no eyes thing, at least 2 other blind characters who have eyes.

-if you go with the prosthetic eyes, at least 1 other blind character.

-at least 2 other blind characters with accepting, supportive parents who aren’t ableist

That is the minimum. I always encourage as many blind characters as you would like to include.

Back to the parents plot. I wish I could give you a straight answer. Unfortunately I’m not sure myself. I would like to open this to any blind or otherwise disabled people who would like to share their thoughts on a non-disabled person writing a plot such as this. Should they write this or should it be more ownvoices? What might help you feel better about this if they decided to do it?

As for the jokes, I would proceed with caution. I thought they worked well in Avatar, but that was a specific situation and in real life those kinds of jokes can sometimes be cruel. To be fair, the characters always made it a point to apologize to Toph in the show. In real life, some of the jokes or reprimands I get are about how I should see something because it is right in front of my face. This can be embarrassing for me.

Can it be done well? Yes. Do I want to see everyone attempt it? No.

I wouldn’t mind if the blind character made some jokes themselves, but I would keep these to a minimum.

However, if you would really like to include a joke or two, you can always run them by a few sensitivity readers and see how they read. Some jokes might do well in specific situations and some might not. Jokes are pretty easy to edit in and out, so, as you write, I suggest making note of the joke and running it by sensitivity readers.

Here’s a post on blind jokes. It can be one of those things where if it works, it works. If it doesn’t, it can stand out in a bad way and even seem cruel or uninformed if it isn’t called out as such. I don’t know if this will help, but here is another post I made, although this is about strangers who haven’t met blind people or have and still don’t know much about them, but make jokes anyway.

So, to wrap this up, I’ll leave you with this. Some of the information here isn’t as concrete as you may have liked. I can’t give you an answer for some of it. But if you are open to listening, that will show. Having a lot of different blind characters can help with almost any trope with a few exceptions, and getting multiple sensitivity readers will also help.

Good luck on planning your project!

-BlindBeta

#blind #ableism #the cure trope #the cure narrative #blind jokes #prosthetic eyes #blind characters eye conditions #blind characters ; eyes #writeblr community #writing blind characters #blind sensitivity reader

[mmikmmik2]

First impressions of episodes five and six under the readmore

The Astro Queue Car

LMFAOOOOOO at Min-Gi jumping from polite and rule-abiding The Nice One to being a smug asshole. I'm so proud of him. Passive-aggressive-ing his little heart out.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION IS AN EXTREME SPORT AND MIN-GI IS WINNING.

But yeah, jokes aside, obviously Min-Gi should be treating Ryan better. I'm definitely interpreting this a lot as Min-Gi acting in perceived emotional self defense but there's probably also some malicious "SEE, YOU WERE WRONG TO GO ON WITHOUT ME" revenge here.

I saw several other people speculating that Ryan might like the train, and I definitely thought that was plausible too, but Min-Gi almost seemed to like in this episode getting to just hang out with Ryan and be superior the whole time. But I also definitely think his anger that (as he saw it, or wanted to believe he saw it) Ryan wasn't learning lessons was legitimate. Feel like both of the guys both have a lot of paradoxical simultaneously contradictory emotions going on and both keep failing to reach the core of their issues with themselves and with each other - it feels believable that they keep ping-ponging back to 202.

LOVED the moment where they realized the astronauts are all dead. Very visually cool and creepy, and I loved Min-Gi's realization that standing still could be just as much of a mistake as making the wrong move.

Love the continuing theme of like... rushing ahead alone, and refusing to follow, can both be forms of abandonment

When the lobby of the party tower got weird and I recognized it as the moment in the trailer when the Steward appeared, I legitimately started saying "YESSSS. YESSSS," over and over again out loud. I fucking love the Steward. And Kez freezing? Is that because she's a denizen? Oh my god. I hate seeing denizens harmed but I love when they have vulnerabilities because they're artificial beings (like Atticus being turned into a ghom - we have no definitive proof but I can't imagine Amelia could do that to a human - it feels obvious to me that the orbs could only be used to "reprogram" beings that were created by those orbs in the first place). Listen, seasons two and three spoiled me with existential horror and weirdness, but apart from /maybe/ Lake hitting the invisible walls in The Wasteland they never had any "REALITY IS RIPPING APART AT THE SEAMS" horror moments the way season one did (the sun spasming in the corgi car as the Steward put its claws into that miniature world's guts? the sky behind the sky in the unfinished car? Atticus's transformation? the half-finished world being built within the engine? so good, so juicy) and I am so, so hopeful we're gonna see the Steward bring some of that tastiness this season.

The Party Car

THIS EPISODE WAS SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD

FAVORITE OF THE SEASON SO FAR

Like it delivered on multiple levels

LOVE the development for the guys, love that Ryan tried to hide the Chicken Choice Judy shirt (looks like that logo is also one of the stickers on his guitar case? but the sticker isn't nearly as big a sign of vulnerability as keeping a shirt that's too small for him to wear just because Min-Gi made it for him) and Min-Gi tried to downplay his stylophone.

I really like that Min-Gi explicitly talked about anti-Asian bias and how he was worried they'd hit a glass ceiling (if that's the right phrase to use here?) even if they were relatively successful as musicians. I was expecting this season to make an effort to build on Ryan and Min-Gi's race as part of their characters, because I've gotten the impression the writers of InfTrain do care about doing that kind of thing right, but I assumed it would stay on the level of subtext and minor incidents like Min-Gi's manager mispronouncing his name. I'm glad the show got to go there and have a character talk about racism and how it affects him.

Loved that they repeated the part with Ryan on-stage waiting for Min-Gi, but this time Ryan didn't leave while Min-Gi stayed, they had a reassuring talk between the two of them where they came to understand each other better. I /love/ when InfTrain has moments like that, where characters redo a persistent narrative/theme in their life but change the ending.

Really though I felt so fucking bad for Ryan, I was like hearing the audio from the "You can pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half" meme when he was up on stage and realized Min-Gi wasn't coming, /again/

Really liked Kez being pigeonholed as "the funny one"/"the fuckup" in her friend group. Feels like a major theme this season is characters being afraid of being perceived as failures and trying to control what other people think of them.

Almost teared up at the final moment of Min-Gi inviting Kez to join the private party in the bathroom and him and Ryan quietly, comfortably jamming together. I'm gonna cry I love them all so much

LOOOOOOVED THE TRAIN LORE THIS EPISODE

I loved getting to see a mixed denizen friend group apparently roaming the car looking for parties, that was so juicy

THE FUCKING BOOTS ARE FOR CONTROLLING PASSENGERS? THEY'RE RESTRAINING BOLTS TO GLUE THEIR FEET TO THE FLOOR WHILE THE STEWARD IS TALKING TO THEM? THAT'S HORRIBLE AND I LOVE IT!!!!

So it looks like the jumpsuits and boots DID used to be standard issue for passengers, and Amelia just got her stuff back at some point between boarding and when we saw her in the season premiere! One wtf that sucks!!!

I love that there's this creepy procedure for the Steward to like deliver messages from on high, I love how weird and disturbing it was, I love that Kez iirc said something along the lines of being used to that (i.e. her getting frozen) happening sometimes HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT, ONE?

So, the Steward seemed to have been traveling through the train issuing that message to all passengers? I think that was implied in One's broadcast? So interesting, I wonder how many other changes in procedure have been implemented that way. My first impression was that One was using it to broadcast from a different car, but I guess it wasn't explicitly clear if he was using the Steward like a remote speaker or if he was behind that mask the whole time and just didn't feel the need to flip it up to address the guys more directly.

There was a moment where the Steward paused and there was muffled dialogue but I couldn't hear it at all... I don't have closed captions turned on right now (if they'll even work if I do turn them on, I cannot emphasize enough what a piece of shit the HBO Max website is)... my first thought was that One backed away from the "mic" while he and Amelia were talking (it would make sense if this change in procedure were something Amelia talked him into somehow?) but maybe that was his two personalities murmuring to each other? Hm.

#infinity train spoilers

[dangermousie]

I got to give points to Lu Xiao even after all of this asking QYT point blank why he attempted to kill him and take him magic. Alas, QYT has no memories of this event and he can’t really say that because he knows it would sound absurd so he just says something like he must have snapped.

Ummm. Not good.

And after that Lu Xiao really loses it and when you add in that it would have been one thing if QYT had a good reason or even if he didn’t but he was so obsessed with the Dao that nothing else mattered but to LX it looks like he is able to put aside the pursuit of the Dao for his fellow brothers and his other disciple (he doesn’t know QYT doesn’t have other disciples, long story, but it’s reasonable for him to believe he does) and sacrifice himself but for him, LX, there was no consideration or even mercy.

AND HE SNAPS.

Great.

QYT tells him he can take his core or even his sword (and he loves his sword like a child) in recompense and Lu Xiao is all “ummm I want your body instead” and god bless QYT who is genuinely “how fun can it be to do it just to humiliate me, you must have dozens of lady concubines!”

UMMMM

Then LX pounces on him and QYT is appalled and fights back until he sees Lu Xiao’s horrible chest scar and so decides “hell, I tried to kill him for no good reason, if he wants to get repayment by humiliating me, fair enough” and stops fighting to Lu Xiao’s shock.

OMG, Qiu Yutong is so freaking !!!!! omg and I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE LU XIAO’S REACTION WHEN HE FINDS OUT THE TRUTH, HE IS GOING TO DIEEEEEE!

Poor QYT changes his mind later but yeah, hello noncon Lu Xiao doesn’t care. I mean congrats on being a unicorn who uses lube I suppose (and it’s hilarious that demon dragon psycho who is forcing someone in revenge still apparenly knows more than 90% of MLs about this sort of thing) but it’s still written as freaking super painful, so what is WRONG WITH YOUUUUUUU. I hope someone stabs you in your demon face, Lu Xiao. You suffered poor thing? Too bad SUFFER SOME MORE SUFFER SUFFER SUFFER!!!

ETA: And the morning after, Lu Xiao has the insane temerity to be pissed and shocked that QYT says “I compensated you, now I want to leave.” LIKE THE FUCK WHAT A SHOCKER THAT SOMEONE YOU RAPED AND WHO’S IN EXCRUCIATING PHYSICAL PAIN FROM IT TO BOOT DOESN’T VIEW YOU AS PRINCE CHARMING?! You need to FUCKING die! On the plus side, rage makes me read quicker. I forgot how fun it is to rage at a story.

ETA2 it would have always been highly unpleasant but I wonder if it’s extra bad because his body is made of snow so dual cultivating with a dragon is the last thing he should be doing.

ETA3 his senior brother is shady as fuck and the worst - he totally traded him for the alliance chief token. My happy ending is QYT palling around with his sword and letting the rest of all these awful people fucking rot.

ETA4: why are 99% of web novel authors so terrible at doing sex scenes. If you parse through the way it’s written, it’s possible that we are supposed to believe that at some point during the night it switched from noncon and painful at that, to QYT at least getting pleasure out of it but the way it’s written, you really have to parse and guess because the only thing they mention is the painful bits. Like wtf. Makes me think of Minglan where clearly you are supposed to parse and get she ultimately likes it but it’s written so terribly you have to be a kabbalist to figure it out.

ETA5: The fact that the lube is in QYT’s favorite osmanthus flavor is somehow super hilarious to me because it sums up Lu Xiao’s unique combination of considerate and demented. Like - forget a few fries short of a happy meal. The only part of the happy meal he has is the ketchup packets.

ETA6: Their new detente is the most insane yet in character thing ever. LX built him a beautiful lake house and keeps making him pastry and they agree to not repeat things and QYT is all “well, that was WTF and unpleasant but I guess I tried to kill him, so we are even now and whatever, he’s still my disciple who now keeps hands to himself also PASTRY PASTRY PASTRY!!!!” QYT’s brain is not like a normal person’s but then he’s not really human and his attitude to sex is not really human attitude either. But seriously, he is so odd. And Lu Xiao seems to have recovered from his psychotic episode and reverted to disciple and is all “can I sleep outside your room pls?” God all these people (?) need therapy.

#cnovel #the paranoid emperor’s black moonlight shizun #tw: noncon

[bestworstcase]

"[Rapunzel] stops accepting blame for things that aren’t her fault". I've seen this mentioned before on other blogs talking about Rapunzel's character growth over the series, but I don't understand what it's referring to. Sorry if this is too vague/broad an ask, but what are you thinking of in seasons 1 and 2 when you say that Rapunzel has learned to stop taking the blame for things that aren't her fault by season 3? Apart from Rapunzel's Enemy and maybe QFAD, I can't think of anything.

i think this is one of the more understated things about rapunzel’s characterization in that there is never like, a specific moment where rapunzel Verbalizes acceptance of blame for things she clearly isn’t responsible for, but it still imo informs a lot of her behavior?

and it goes all the way back to the film. right out of the gate we see that guilt tripping and blame passing are two of gothel’s chief weapons: when rapunzel’s feelings get hurt by one of gothel’s “jokes,” gothel chides rapunzel to “stop taking everything so seriously,” which is abuser-speak for “nothing i say is wrong, it’s your fault if you’re hurt.” 

then there’s digs like “oh, rapunzel, you know i hate leaving you after a fight—especially when i’ve done absolutely nothing wrong...” 

and the big one, after gothel loses her temper and yells at rapunzel, and then immediately collapses disconsolately into a chair and says “ugh, great—now i’m the bad guy.” overtly blaming rapunzel for “making” gothel snap at her. (this of course gets called back to at the end of the film, though it’s less a guilt trip there than it is a threat.)

aaaand right before “mother knows best (reprise)” when rapunzel asks how gothel found her, gothel says, “oh, it was easy, i just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that.” this one imo is the clearest illustration of how all this impacts rapunzel emotionally, because she goes from scared/alarmed/startled to just. sagging, in obvious guilt. 

but then of course there’s also the scene right after rapunzel leaves the tower, where we see her oscillating wildly from jubilance to despair and guilt as she frets over what her leaving will “do” to gothel, how mad / upset / betrayed gothel will feel, etc. so even when gothel isn’t there, actively reinforcing this behavior, we can see that rapunzel very much feels that gothel’s feelings are her responsibility—and if gothel is upset, that’s rapunzel’s fault. 

anyway!! all this adds up to rapunzel leaving the tower with this subconscious mindset that all problems are her problems, and we see this expressed very early on in s1. i would even argue as early as before ever after... with both frederic and eugene. 

BEA goes really hard right out of the gate with driving home how restless and uncomfortable rapunzel feels in corona; how stifled she is, and how badly she wants to go out and explore the wider world. but it also shows how hard she tries to stuff it down, because her success as a princess is “important to [her] dad.” she tries to bring up her discontent with eugene, but in a roundabout way so as to avoid actually saying she’s unhappy—and then when he says that he’s perfectly happy and content, rapunzel takes a deep breath and agrees with him. it isn’t overt text, but she’s still in “managing other people’s feelings” mode, and there’s a reason the only person she is honest about her own feelings with is cassandra—because cassandra signals very clearly that she is not going to feel hurt, offended, or disappointed if rapunzel is less than happy in corona. quite the opposite, cass is the one who suggests sneaking out in the first place!

now obviously, neither fred’s nor eugene’s feelings are rapunzel’s responsibility and i think both would be horrified to know that rapunzel feels like it’s her job to make them happy... but that doesn’t really matter, because rapunzel has been trained all her life to do this and that’s not a pattern that just goes away overnight. 

and then also in BEA, we see how quick rapunzel is to castigate herself for doing something that upsets someone else... when eugene proposes and she panics and runs away, her reaction is “i feel horrible about eugene” and to feel guilty/upset about not wanting to marry him Right Now.

aaaand of course caine blaming rapunzel for stuff frederic did goes entirely unremarked upon, partly because things like the hair reveal took priority over that but partly also, in my opinion, because rapunzel just kind of Accepted That because she’s so used to being blamed for everything.

this is sort of a recurring theme throughout a lot of s1. you mentioned RE, but for the sake of completeness—i think the most telling thing in that ep is that, when rapunzel finds out what booing really signifies, her first question is what could i have done to this person?, because the concept that this might be a HIM problem doesn’t even cross her mind. she assumes that it’s her fault he doesn’t like her. 

and then there’s stuff like pascal’s story, which i think is an interesting one because like... frankly, it’s not entirely rapunzel’s fault that she stood pascal up. yes, as the princess she could have stood up at six o’clock on the dot to say no more petitions, i am going to dinner. but also she’s the princess, and she’s busy, and pascal’s story is as much an episode about pascal learning that just because rapunzel is busy that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him as much as it is about rapunzel learning how to navigate work/life balance—but it’s also very clear that rapunzel’s perspective is “i have been a HORRIBLE friend and i need to put EVERYTHING ELSE on hold until i have FIXED my TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR” when the reality is more like “rapunzel and pascal are both going through a major adjustment period and need to have a realistic talk about expectations now that rapunzel is, like, training to rule a country.” 

in painter’s block, rapunzel feels so traumatized by the (largely correct) decisions she made in QFAD that she can’t make any decisions at all and falls prey to sugracha’s manipulation, and i personally think this is the beginning of the tipping point for her where she begins to see that hey... she’s just a person, she literally cannot be responsible for every bad thing that happens, she can’t be in two places at once, she can’t fix everything for everyone... and sometimes she needs to prioritize one problem over the other. that’s why the emotional climax of that episode is rapunzel saying “difficult choices are what make us who we are.” that’s her letting go of the horrific guilt she felt about choosing corona over varian, and letting eugene and the others put themselves in danger to save her parents. 

that epiphany carries her through SOTS and enables her to make the tough calls she needs to make re: stopping varian, but it also doesn’t mean that her tendency to blame herself for stuff that isn’t her fault goes away altogether. just look at BTCW: while she’s trying to make sense of how/why eugene could be marrying stalyan, her first instinct is to blame herself. to wonder if maybe this is a response to her kind of sort of turning down his kind of sort of second proposal. 

and the rest of the vardaros arc is like... i would say half rapunzel delaying moving on because she’s scared of what waits for her at the end of the black rock trail (as freebird confirms) and half rapunzel making vardaros’s problems her problems and trying to fix them because she feels responsible. 

curses is... not a good episode (canardist, why) but the plot basically hinges on canardist successfully making rapunzel feel guilty / dubious enough about taking back her own telescope that she starts buying into the curse stuff and psyching herself out. 

*as a sidebar here, there are also instances in this same period of rapunzel acknowledging her culpability in stuff she DID do wrong, for example in under raps—but in these cases, it’s interesting to me to note that her apologies actually aren’t very good apologies. in the under raps example, for instance, she also foists off blame on cassandra (saying basically, well i wouldn’t have interfered and put you in danger if you had told me everything, even though i am terrible at keeping secrets and we both know it). and this makes sense, because gothel certainly did not model good, healthy apologizing habits for rapunzel, lol. so she’s in this weird zone where she tends to feel guilty for everything / feels responsible for other people’s feelings but when she DOES mess up for realsies she also doesn’t really have the skills to navigate a true apology. this poor girl

i would say that RATGT is about the point where rapunzel switches gears from accepting blame (both for things that aren’t her fault, like all this stuff, and for things that are, like when she apologized to cass for being a dick in goodbye and goodwill or when she apologized to pascal for belittling him in king pascal) to sort of... overcorrecting and entering her “i’m right, you’re wrong” phase. RATGT is when she starts overtly shutting cass down, and RATGT is when cass’s injury happens—something so horrific and scary that i tend to think rapunzel just cannot process the guilt. it’s too much, too painful, and not something she is emotionally equipped to hold onto or work through in a healthy way...

...so she shoves it away and blames cass instead, very openly. she transmutes her guilt into anger, lessening the pain she feels. and she sticks to that throughout RDO, throughout the rest of s2, and evidently through the rest of the series given she literally never apologizes for it. which is outside of the scope of what you asked alksdfjklsfd but i tend to think basically, rapunzel is not very good at distinguishing between “i feel guilty, but it isn’t my fault” and “i feel guilty, because it is my fault” so in the process of unlearning the former behavior she also forces away the latter, and at the end of s3 she’s in a place where she needs to re-learn how to feel guilt in a healthy, reasonable way. because guilt isn’t always a bad emotion, sometimes it’s just your brain’s way of saying “i did something bad, and i want to make up for it” and That’s Good. 

#rta #im just rambling but bhjhjfhjdfs #i guess in the broader sense anon #'blame' here doesn't exclusively mean 'feeling guilty' #it also means 'feeling responsible' #anyway this is a bit of a mess but these are my thoughts #Anonymous

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP: Max & Zoey -  Thoughts 1

Here’s my take... on some of the storylines/scenes/lines: 

Again.. super long post. SPOILERS up to 1x10, and possibly hints at what is coming. Hence...SPOILER WARNING. 

Analyzing the M/Z storylines from the perspective of “things that fans don’t understand or like about Max’s character behaviour”. And possibly providing a different perspective to look at some of the things/behaviour...

Mentions of Z/S relationship/storylines. 

In the Pilot Max was encouraging Zoey to go after Simon, cause he knew she’s interested in the new guy... but that changed...at about the time she/he/they found out the guy is taken/engaged. That’s the moment when his “best friend mode” kicked in & tried to not let Zoey make her past mistake again with overly complicated, exhausting for everyone & not good relationship choices...

                               ***********************************************

The one & only reason I can’t be Team Simon. 

I cannot ever consider Team Simon for one simple reason - the writers had the character be in a relationship/engaged...when his emotional affair with Zoey started. IF he would have been single, I could talk about choosing sides/teams, but this single fact takes Simon out of the equation. No matter how good looking, cool, hot, or compatible he might be with Zoey. No matter if their relationship grows in the future... Their first moments were cheating (on Jessica), and no matter how “human” and “real”, that is the line for me that shan’t be crossed. And the fact that the relationship ended does not change what happened before - they kissed while he was still engaged. You can’t take that back. IF the writers would have made him single..since start...I could debate which Team I’m on, but the fact he was engaged eliminates him for me. But none of their cute moments or shared grief bond... or hot dances change the simple fact that he cheated on Jessica. 

Sidenote: if we’re talking cast, then I'm both Team Skylar AND Team John C. Those two gents are both great AND they can both sing!

                                ***********************************************

Yes, unless Max knows something we don’t know about Zoey (that she, just like her dad, actually, secretly loves big gestures and moments) his choice for how he professed his love seems to be wrong way to declare his love for this specific lady. Because according to what we know Zoey is not into music (but then again...the use of a flash mob was a plot twist device by the writers... who just decided to use that surprise for Max/Zoey, when it could’ve been any other character... but this was simply done so that the show could mess with Zoey’s powers and give her character “oh, this isn’t in my head, this is real” moment.) But... that’s just a possible bad choice by the character, not anything horrible. And that’s the way he knows how to say it, even if a small, personal, reveal seems more Zoeys style. 

But... are we actually correct in assuming this? After the flashmob she never once mentioned anything about it being “too much of a public declaration for her taste”. She even called it “an amazing gesture”, which tells us that while she might be uncomfortable with “big moments” in general (public speaking...), she is comfortable with them with people she’s closed to (her dad, her best friend...) And we saw her talk about it with Max & with Mo. Her only worry was related to him telling her, in reality (not just in her mind...via heart song) that he has feelings for her. She has not shown any worry regarding it being done via “grand gesture”. So... is it possible that it actually isn’t so “not her” as we assume? 

Just as perhaps Max from 1x09 is not as “passive” and “not interested in promotion” as Max from 1x01? Perhaps time & peer reviews, and everything else...has changed him? And he’s actually interested in climbing the career ladder.,.. as opposed to the Max in the Pilot, who told Zoey that he does not want any of that...

Maybe Zoey is her fathers daughter, and actually (secretly) loves big moments & grand gestures? Because her dad is all about “big moments”. And maybe it’s actually really appropriate for Max to tell Zoey about his feelings this way, in “big moments/grand gesture” style flash mob? To honor her dad...in a way. Cause Mitch loves these kind of moments & Mitch is No 1 in Zoey’s life, so...  maybe we’re all wrong in assuming it was “not Zoey’s style”? 

                      *************************************************

From Max’s POV this is what’s going on with Zoey/his relationship with Zoey: 

She ends their regular movie nights...with no explanation. Something that they’ve done...forever...since they are best friends. (He probably thinks it’s because of her dad’s health and that she’s focused on..that... after her promotion he even asks if her “weidness” is because of “her dad” and/or her now being his boss) 

She starts acting strangely...around him, and general...and she doesn’t talk to him anymore (it’s been implied that they’re BFF and talk about everything... but she hasn’t told him what’s up with her). He wonders if it’s because of her dad’s health and everything related to it (but he doesn’t know if its only because of that, or if there’s something more/else, too) 

He has feelings for her, but he doesn’t tell her (she only finds out cause she can hear his heart songs). Finding out that her BF has deeper feelings for her freaks her out, even though he himself does not pressure her or anything like that..yet. She is the one who assumes their “discussion” at work is presumed as “lovers quarrel” & she is the one who presumes that “is it a date” means he considers a meal together as date...when all he means is “are you free to go” (to the new place which they both wanted to go to..as friends) Up until the flash mob there is zero “pushing” from him. 

He only sings love songs to her when he’s single - during the time he’s dating someone else (Autumn) he stops singing to her, because he’s not a cheater. When he’s with someone, he’s with that someone, and devoted to that person..only. So he stops for a while. 

He sees & hears her say that the thing she had for/with Simon is over (1x06) & that she’s not doing any of that anymore. Since she doesn’t talk about any of it with him, this is all he knows so he assumes she meant it, and she’s done chasing the engaged man. This is also probably the only inside info she has on the whole Z/S situation - what he sees/hears during the “burnt roses” moment. (So... it is not a nice surprise when he learns in 1x08 that after everything her words were not true, cause it’s not all over/done with S...)

Why he doesnt believe her right away when she tells him of her powers: As a rational person he has a hard time believing her claims about superpowers at first. Also... it seems like such a “lie” to change the subject, and simply avoid giving him an honest answer (yes OR no) But after hearing some more facts he starts believing. And by the time she “glitches” he has no doubt that she’s going through all this...

Both Zoey and Max are emotionally challenged. (tbh, just like Max I believed Autumn when she said that all is cool when they broke up during their morning jog. I’m emotionally challenged, too. I honestly did not know that what she said and what she thought/felt were different, so I get why it came as a surprise to him to learn she wasn’t cool about it) The whole Autumn/Max break-up tells us that Max doesn’t get the subtle clues, and needs to hear the words to know the truth. Hence he believes what Zoey tells him... at first. 

He misreads her signals in 1x05 - 1x06 - 1x07 (”I need more Max”, reinstating their movie nights, touching his bicep, commenting she needs more Max in her life, checking him out when he’s shirtless, etc), and based on that confesses his love for her via flashmob. What surprises him is not so much that she doesn’t respond with the same, but that she doesn’t give him an answer...at all. (Mo explained it best to Zoey...later; the boy deserved an answer... even if it’s “I don’t know...yet”. Also... we’ve never heard her say that she didn’t appreciate it because it was a big gesture...so she might not be as uncomfortable with the gesture as we think) Instead she runs, and then she avoids giving him an answer, kinda changing the subject, and telling him about her powers. Instead of telling him the truth right away, cause truth might hurt, but it’s better than avoidance/ignoring. 

This is shown later in the episode, when after Zoey finally gives him her...messy & selfish answer... he’s hurt, but content. She tells him that the reasons why she isn’t ready to go from friends to more is because her focus has to be on her dad for now & because she’s afraid that “they” won’t work out & she’ll lose her best ftiend...for good... and she can’t risk that... at this time. This is not the answer he hoped for, but as Mo predicted...this is the answer he accepts. That can be seen in the elevator scene with Simon. He’s OK with waiting & this not being the right time (cause she needs to focus on her dad at the moment). He also doesn’t say they’re done, he asks what she asked - pressing pause on their traditional friends activities like movie nights. 

During the 1x07 end elevator convo he also learns that the totally engaged man has been “keeping tabs” on Zoey & Z/M. Which concerns him. Cause why is an engaged man looking at other women & paying attention to whom they socialize with (when his focus should only be on his fiancee)? Like Mo, he probably thinks “the guy is a player” after this convo. And again... he, as Zoey’s friend, is not in the wrong, when he thinks he should “protect” her from the morally questionable guy. 

Then in the “very next day basically” he learns that she wasn’t completely honest with him. And since she promised 100% honesty to him, he’s hurt that she as his friend isn’t being honest. She sings him a love song (it is possible that she wasn’t aware of her deep feelings for him...but after this she definitely is...100%)...but then tries to take back the honesty and claim that the truth she spoke is not the truth. But what really hurts him is how her “honesty” from their last convo turns out to be a lie (and we know it is, because we’ve seen Zoey tell her mom & Mo about her real feelings, not the cleaned up version she told Max at the end of 1x07) - and he voices why he’s upset. It’s not because she doesn’t return his feelings, it’s because she wasn’t honest with her best friend. Because through her heart songs he knows for a fact that she has feelings for him - that she loves him, too. So he’s not upset that she doesn’t love him back. He even says it during their bathroom convo - the best reason to be “mad” at her is that she told him she loves him/she’s his, when she didnt mean to tell him this (the truth). Meaning: she thinks it’s “unfair” he’s upset that “she sang him a heart song, when she didn’t mean to”... or in other words: she thinks it’s fair to keep the truth a secret from him...and this rigth after she promised 100% honesty to him... and he doesn’t agree with the secret-keeping. 

We saw Max’s feelings progression since Pilot: in 1x01 he THINKS he’s in love with her, in 1x02 he’s a SUCKER for her & by 1x07 he fully admits he LOVES her. With Zoey the timeline is..kinda... starting in 1x06... The “500 miles” moment is her “I think I love you” moment & her heart song to him in 1x08 is basically her “I love you” moment. 

She claims she isn’t ready for a relationship because she needs to focus on her dad right now, when in reality she really is torn between two men - and she wants Max to be her emotional support and shoulder to lean on (knowing he loves her, and knowing that he knows that she knows he loves her), while she herself is pursuing another man, Simon. An engaged man she’s obsessed with cause she “finds his body hot & has a grief bond with”. (in reality: her role has mostly been being his grief therapist - and she’s not really told him about her dad that much...so it’s pretty much one-sided anyway) But just as she didn’t want to be the other woman, he doesn’t want to be the other man/third wheel... and that’s understandable. 

Then when Max gets the job offer he goes to his best friend for support. And while I personally read the scene as him saying “no, that was not the right answer, but it gave me mine (I’m taking the job)” being a response to her asking “was this the right answer?” because this meant she wasn’t still being honest with him, and instead of giving her her true answer she gave him the answer she thought he wanted to hear... I am willing to accept that what the writers meant was that he wanted her to give a more personal answer and/or ask him to stay because he is a valuable member of the team. 

Her reply was as his boss, and co-worker/friend. She only focused on their work relationship, not their personal friendship. She’ll miss sitting across from him... not that she’ll miss him outside work (and  yes...it’s only two floors up, and working in different departments does not mean they can’t hang out oustide work...) but still her answer did not include her role as best friend/possible future romantic partner....even when he asked her to specify the “I’m Your’s Zoey’s” answer - she only focused on the work related part when replying...to that.  This gave him the clarity needed - she’s not into him, so he did the right thing & put space between them. Since she didn’t include the “I’m Yours Zoey” that meant to him that she’d choosen Simon...and  just as it’s very human to grieve and cheat...it's also very human to feel hurt/heartbroken. And he should not have to subject himself to seeing her with someone else (when he knows she has feelings for both) - making the same mistakes over again she’s made before with her relationships. So his choice was the right one...for both. They need time apart, time to grow as individuals, time to reflect... 

Yes his speech in 1x10 was directed mostly to her, but he was adressing the whole 4th floor/Team, really. Cause no-one stood up to give him a “good luck” hug when he came to collect his things. And his best friend didn’t even have any encouraging words to him...on the day he moved to the 6th floor.... and even admitted she didn’t get to get him a “good luck gift” (which he could just assume is because she’s busy with her dad, but we know that while she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse...and didn’t, she managed to get a plant as housewarming gift for the other man in like 4 hours. And we also know that she voiced no concerns about losing her best friend and a good team member at work...while talking to Mo... yet she had lots of things to say about “the man who just broke up, and whom I said I would not chase anymore, but now that he’s been single for 4 seconds, we can make out and it’s not cheating this time anymore”... so she’s showing no signs of caring about his best friends life changes, while caring a lot about the other mans life changes) 

So of course he feels underappreciated on the 4th floor. The peer reviews, the boss, the team manager, the job offer... it all plays a part in his decision. And the D*rk Point boss knows exactly what to say...to make him feel appreciated...something he didn’t feel he got on the 6th floor... but he didn’t realize until he heard Ava point out his good work..with the maze, with the chirp pitch...and though he may not realize that Ava, too, has her own agenda, hearing that he is appreciated...as a worker & as a human...made him feel good  (we saw how important positive feedback is for everyone during the peer reviews plot), and he realized he didn’t get any of that, really, on the 4th floor. And once again... while he may have secretly wanted to hear her say “stay”, what he actually really wanted/needed was for her to encourage him, and show genuine happiness for him, and for her to be completely honest with him. And he didn’t feel like that’s something she could be right now. To put it in her own terms: “everyone is so nice & polite, and no one is giving me the raw & honest feedback”...cause her reply to him when asked about the job offer was “polished” & “nice”, not “honest & raw”. (and I think we all agree that her telling him to take it  & him taking it was the right move...for all... cause they both need space & to grow individually)

In the Pilot we learn that Max thinks he’s not management material & he’s not looking for career opportunity. So to Zoey's knowledge this is not in character for him? So whether or not he’s changed during the time between then & now, to Max’s knowledge she knows that he likes being just a coder. So for her to not know him...and not remember that he’s told her this, could be disappointing. So her reply: That’s a great career opportunity MIGHT tell him that she doesn’t know him and what he wants. (this is the flashmob argument: we, fans, think that a flashmob is “not Zoeys style” & we, fans, think that promotion is “not Max’s style”. We might be wrong, cause we don’t know everything about the characters + they can change...over time...)

Another thing she says to him when he asks advice regarding the job offer is “I would never stop you from going after what you want”. When they both know that what he really wants is her - he’s made it clear. And yet... here she is saying she’d not stop him, when she is “stopping him” from doing just that. And at the same time...as pointed out in the last part... is a promotion what Max really wants? Cause it is not the case for “1x01 Max”...and we & Zoey haven’t been made aware that he’s changed his mind. So... does his best friend not know him? (or does she known him better...and know he’s changed his POV on promotions)

Max & Zoey have been best friends & colleagues...for 5 years...since the first day on the job. From Max’s POV...something changed..suddenly...a few months ago. For a while he didn’t know why and what, but now he knows why.  And just like it took time for Zoey to adjust to her “power”, same applies to Max (adjusting to her powers). 

From Max’s POV...his best friend is dishonest with him, she avoids him, she has changed, she comes to him when she needs him... but she herself doesn’t offer anything back (yes, he is aware she’s grieving, and he understands it, but his best friend is not letting her friends help her during the time she needs to lean on family/friends). We have rarely seen her talk to him about anything else than office gossip...or her powers related stuff...recently. And it’s heavily implied they used to talk...all the time... about everything. His best friend also set him up with another woman...just to avoid him after she learned that he has feelings for her. His best friend claims her focus has to be her dad, and she can’t do more than friendship at this time, but at the same time she continues pursing another man. And this after she promised to be 100% honest with him. And she betrayes that trust the “very next day”. So he has every right to be upset, and hurt. 

Zoey has every right to be upset about the fact that she thinks Max is “pushing her to have feelings for him” (when they both know... for a fact..after her heart song that she does have feelings for him), but in this case Max has every right to be upset about the fact that he thinks “she is avoiding him”. She has the right to grieve, so does he. If she has the right to be upset that Simon doesn’t return her feelings... then Max has the right to be upset that she doesn’t return his feelings. The same rules have to apply to all, not just main character. And if you look at the storylines closely, you’ll see the parallels... the things that Zoey is upset about (fans are upset about) regarding Simon’s behaviour (when pursuing him) are the same exact things that Max is upset about regarding Zoey (his pursuit of her). The same way that some fans point out Max is “obsessed with Zoey” there’s a parallel story with Zoey is “obsessed with Simon”. All Max wanted from Zoey was what Zoey wanted from Simon - clarity. For her/him to have clarity. And just as she felt the other man didn’t have it, he felt that she didn’t have it. 

Because we, the audience, know that Zoey (thinks she has) has feelings for both men - her behaviour in past episodes (especially 1x06 - 1x07) and her heart song confirm that she has feelings for Max, and because he knows her secret, he knows that that’s a fact. So he has every right to be upset that she  “doesn’t like him back/doesn’t want to be with him”, when he knows that she does love him back, while claiming the opposite. And she won’t talk to him about it... 

From his POV it is as follows: they both have admitted they love each other. She claims she needs time to deal with her grief and can’t risk their friendship. She tells him she loves him...and the very next minute goes to another mans arms - that’s the part that upsets him. He’s not upset that she’s not returning his feelings/not wanting to date him, nope. He’s “upset” because he, as her best friend who knows her & her past relationships, knows that her thing with the engaged man will not end well for her.  And yes, he is not wrong in saying that in a case when she has feelings for two men it’s a better option to choose the best friend, who has always been there for her (she’s said this herself) than the totally engaged (until just recently) & morally questionable, emotionally unavailable grieving hot guy.                       

While Max choices have been just “mistakes” (perhaps not the best idea to confess your feelings via flash mob to a girl who only listens to podcasts?), then Simon’s choices have been actual “bad decisions” - cheating. And though both Simons & Zoey’s bad choices have been rooted in their grief/depression, they cannot “excuse” it with being a mess due to grief. Instead of continuing the downward spiral they should own their mistakes, acknowledge them as not good choices. It’s one thing to use the wrong gesture to confess your love to somone, and completely another thing to cheat on your fiancee (and blame it on being a mess cause of grief). Those two things should not be comparable. 

I can’t believe how some people see Max response to her “no one understand why you got the promotion” (translation: you didn’t deserve it) as harsh. Like her cruel words were “justified” because she’s grieving..or just because...even though she was not right to say them, but his behaviour has been “unacceptable”. Yes, his comments to Zoey are not the friendliest (when he’s telling why he chooses 6th floor over 4th... after the “The Boy is Mine” sing-off, but they are nothing compared to Zoey’s “you don’t deserve this promotion & you are selfish for not being there for me whenever I need something from you”. 

We can all see & understand that each character has flaws & makes mistakes & says some things they shouldn’t. But some of these things are “worse” than the others. And his reply to her rude-fuled-by-her-anger-phase-of-grieving comment to him was tame. He was actually quite calm & cool during his response to her (you’re calling me selfish?). And he directed the coded message at Zoey on the 6th floor directly at her because he knows she’s emotionally challenged, so she needed to undrerstand that it was directed at her, too...so she’d start understanding that she hurt him with her words/behaviour too. He wanted her to get that message, cause he had seen that until now she had no idea how her actions/inactions affect him. 

He may seem like being “upset” with her... but it’s also understandable, because she kinda broke his heart, and just as she’s allowed to not return his feelings, he’s allowed to feel sad that she doesn’t. To put it in “fairytale terms”. But he’s in no way pressuring her to return his feelings & start a relationship now. All he wants/needs from her is honesty & clarity. 

And mostly... when will Zoey finally give Simon the advice he needs - go see a professional therapist! What the man needs is professional help not a mind-reader, who is a mess herself. And is Zoey doesn’t stop keeping it all in and won’t talk to her family/friends about her grief, then she, too, will soon need professional help... (therapist). 

                        ******************************************************

Through all of this Max’s there for her:  he supports her when she’s interested in the new guy..(until he finds out the man is taken); he supports her to go after the promotion; he brings her dad... his “closest thing to a dad he’s had” soft food...that he can eat, he goes to support her when she gets a call about her dad’s health & he finds a way to get her to her dad..fast; he saves her “glitch song” and turns it into a pitch for the CEO; he goes to check on her, & gives her her mom’s message..even when he’s hurt by her (and on top of that he gives her good friend advice about her dad). And she does acknowledge this..on several occasions. So...this “social distancing” (physical distance between them during work & off work) is needed to make her/them start to see things from different perspective, and realize some truths... that only distance/change could give them. 

There is a real inconsistancy between what she really feels & thinks...and  what she says/acknowledges she feels & thinks. 

ETA: And it all won’t start moving forward & she won’t start character development until she’ll truly embrace her powers. Cause she still seems to view them as “burden” instead of “helpful tool”. Sure... she has started to realize the good she can do with having this ability (in general Howie/Abigail situation was the first time she really used her ability to really improve the situation & first time she really emphatized), but until she fully embraces it all, she’ll remain “lost”. The turning point will be actually losing her dad...for real. 

                        *************************************************

#SPOILER #text post #analyzis #THERE ARE MANY OTHER THINGS....BUT THE POST IS ALREADY TOO LONG #ZEP #ZOEY'S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST #ZOEYS EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST #ZEP spoilers #ZEP SPOILER #Max Richman #Zoey Clarke #Max x Zoey #Zoey x Max #Team Max #Clarkeman #Zomax #Zax #long post #analysis

[sternenteile]

wrapping things up with some closure  on the ty/cho situation. this is the last time i will be bringing it up. if you’re wondering what i’m talking about, you can see the receipts and the files here. massive content and trigger warnings here include, and are surely not limited to, gaslighting, abuse, sexual harassment, ableism, antisemitism, racism, and most damning of all, literal and actual rape. i’m telling you, it’s bad. take my word for it when i say to avoid ty/cho at all costs. this is not some meager drama; this is a legitimately dangerous individual. what’s worse is there are even more details i know now (not included in the callouts) that i cannot divulge, as they do not involve me, as if this scum of the earth could be any worse. just know that this is a very terrible person and to not read the receipts if you don’t think you can handle the contents. in such a case, please just take my word for it instead and block him, avoid him, all that jazz. he is an actual rapist. avoid.

that being said, the theme i’ve noticed with all of this tomfoolery of his and actual crimes and traumatization of people is the domineering of an entire group of rpcs using intimidation tactics, including over those he’s hurt the worst, in the most reprehensible, objectively inexcusable ways ever.

the rpcs tycho played prominent roles in are beyond just pokemon and sonic. the way i met him was through the smash brothers rpc (which, unlike the general smash fan base, is a darling and kind community). smash is rather all-encompassing for video games even outside of nintendo, and he is plenty aware enough of the fandoms within that umbrella. mario, zelda, fire emblem, pokemon, sonic, metroid, castlevania... you name it, he knows it, and he will therefore have association with it that makes him a danger to these communities as is. his influence cannot be understated. he was a huge influence for a lot of people and groups.

the way he weaponized anything he could get his slimy hands on left so many people fearful and in silence. the worst i’d gotten were some jitters about how... out there and volatile he could be, but i’d otherwise not been suspicious of anything too egregious, especially nothing like what has come forth. i really didn’t get the brunt of it. however, the subtleties were there, and they had unfortunately lulled me into a sense of security that he, in all of his flaws, was a fine person and an admirable man. of course, we all know now how horribly wrong that is... but it goes to show that his charismatic nature had been used expertly to harm many people for his own selfish gain.

he left entire communities and groups of people mum on the situation. no one, no one was able to speak up in fear of retribution, not to mention the fact that his smooth way of manipulating people made it seem like he was on this untouchable pedestal. it was quite the opposite, and we all know that now. the only reason he was on a pedestal was because he brute-forced everyone else away from his level, threatening the worst if anyone so much as dared to find stable ground with him. in reality, though, his pedestal was a farce, a pillar filled with cracks that was destined to fall. it didn’t just crumble, though, no. it collapsed and was promptly blown to smithereens. once that one hunk of rubble came loose from that pedestal, his world came crashing the fuck down. it was an inevitability, and i’m sure he knew it was.

why would i make a statement that bold? simple: when i caught wind privately of what had gone on, i’d blocked him on all fronts. it hadn’t been more than perhaps a couple of hours before i realized that i’d still had him on my twitter, too, but he’d blocked me already before i got to do so myself. it often takes some time to realize a mass-blocking has happened, at least from what i can imagine (as i’ve not been mass-blocked like, ever before in this rpc i think?), but ty/cho was on it fast. it was almost as if he was watching and waiting for the shoe to drop. it was like he knew. it happened so quickly that it gave me whiplash. he was waiting for this.

another fun little detail i found was that he, as he had done to many other people who treated him with nothing but kindness, shit-talk me behind my back. let me tell you that the smash fan base is a terrible place where you can be harassed just for liking your comfort character, thinking they would be a good fit to the roster, even if your behavior is innocent and without harm or annoyance to other smash fans. those who have been here long enough will know that i’ve undergone a lot of bullshit because of my love for geno, and so have other geno fans who have done nothing but innocent speculation. one person i know personally had even gotten his and his elderly parents doxxed with death threats launched his way. i’ve seen people state that they want to, ah... let’s just say knock the wind out of geno’s fans and cover them in flammable material. let’s just put it that lightly. it’s very bad.

ty/cho knew this. i’d vented to him about it once. i praised him for being a competitive smash player that wasn’t as vile as any of the trash in that community (an as an addendum, there are some good comp smash players! the bad ones are just very prominent and very loud!). i praised him for accepting people of their comfort characters, emotional support through way of a character i connected with, not to mention the cases for many other folk, as well.

turns out, he used that information to shit-talk me behind my back, whining and complaining about me daring to like a character that ‘nobody cares about’ as if i was some fucking smegma gremlin on the face of the earth. you know, ty/cho? he did that, yeah? the guy who played nack the fucking weasel? the guy who knew i was sensitive about this shit because of what the smash fan base put me through? the guy who obsessed over and loved his own comfort character, too, and should have understood what that felt like?

needless to say, i’m pretty reviled about that. i entrusted him with this information, and he knew how much it hurt me... so he weaponized it. he specifically picked out what pained me and utilized it for harm when i trusted him. my case is a whole lot of NOTHING compared to everyone else’s, to be sure, but the core concept is chilling. he will find out what hurts you the most and attack you unprovoked with that knowledge. thank god it was just about my fucking comfort character and nothing worse, because others were unfortunately not as lucky. i got out totally unscathed by comparison.

the way he used puppet strings and played people like fiddles to keep his image pristine was beyond fucked up. he tarnished the trust of so many people. he made entire communities drop and leave because they were terrified of ty/cho ruining their lives even further. they felt unwelcome around excellent people who had done no wrong to them because of ty/cho, when said excellent people more than likely felt the same and feared them because of ty/cho. it poisoned the entire well for these communities and made everything go so quiet. the sonic rpc and smash rpc, in my experience, suffered the most. a lot of my sonic mutuals and sonic mutuals of friends either left or went awfully silent. the once-hopping smash rpc became practically like a ghost town. all. because. of. ty/cho.

he is a danger to both individuals and to entire communities alike. he doesn’t care about what we as people think, though, so how about i pull the nasty, petty card and hit him where it hurts? considering all that he did, i think it’s more than justified. ♡

ty/cho, you objectively will never live a fulfilling life where you make an impact on the world. you will never do anything medically if you can’t find it in yourself to empathize and care. you will never do anything for the people you supposedly ‘care for’ if you throw them under a bus at any and every opportunity. you will never do anything for racial justice if you use the movement and Black lives to abuse others, lie (nice to know that protest i feared for your life over turned out to have never happened in your area to begin with, LOL, i want my lost sleeping hours back) and better your own image. your image will never be a pristine, perfect image. you are not a god among men and never will be. you are not hot shit. you will not leave a positive legacy on the world. rapists don’t do that, you son of a bitch. go to hell where you belong and burn for eternity, where deviants like you become fucking rump roast. enjoy your unfulfilling life that will never amount to anything for yourself. :)

#★ ; ( ooc. ) #negative / #get me off tycho's wild ride #heed the cws and tws. #i also get very nasty at the end. very angry. be warned. #love you all. please stay safe. #this man will not make anyone submit to fear any more. #i won't fucking let it happen ever again.

[facepalming-since-chernobyl]

My brain is rotting

Maybe isntead 

All dumb shit - (x)

“ Whether or not you believe Lena Luthor was behaving out of character on Supergirl season 5 or not, there’s no denying that Lena has a lot to make up for and make right on Supergirl season 6. “ 

yeah, out of character. She was never manipulated by her brother, never killed people,never threw a tantrum, never did morally wrong experiments, never was sure she is right when she wasn’t, was never blinded by her emotions, blah blah blah

It’s clear that there is a lot to be done with Lena Luthor during Supergirl season 6 after a season of her siding with her brother and the writers consistently destroying the relationship between Lena and Kara over the big Kryptonian secret.

What a lot? All they need to do is put the bitch in jail. Tell me, why Lena won’t admit on public she was hapily helping Lex with lobotomizing whole fucking humanity? That she kidnapped and enslaved people? Why? Because she KNOWS she would end in a jail. What makes her a fucking coward. What makes her redemption a SHIT.

If there’s any way to make sure this is done (and done correctly), it’s to bring Lena into the fold and give her a pivotal role in these stories. Let’s start by making her a super friend.

 Pivotal. LOL. She HAD pivotal role in season 5 and that’s why this season SUCKED BALLS. And she was a superfriend. And guess what? She used Kara and manipulated them all, put them in DANGER, because she was butthurt. 

Making things right needs to be Lena Luthor’s top priority on Supergirl season 6. She really screwed up. (I personally don’t agree with the narrative that the show painted of Lena’s actions, as it was very clear that her past abuse and trauma was clouding her judgment and she was actively being manipulated by one of her abusers, but nonetheless…) Her relationships are in shambles, but for the first time in her life, she has the chance to put the pieces back together.

I’m dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Her top priority should be going to police and confessing her crimes. But we all know she won’t, because she is a coward.

Sure, you don’t agree because Boo Hoo Hoo Luthor showed her true colors. Yeah, sure, she had traumatic past and Lex and Lilian abused her all the time, we just don’t know how exactly. Plus, sorry not sorry, your traumatic past don’t give you the rights to kidnap, enslave, manipulate, lie and torture people. And plan to lobotomize whole humanity because you are too poor to go to theraphy... WAIT.

STOP excusing abusers and toxic people’s behavior. It’s fucking disgusting. Especially when all what they have to do is cry (crocodile tears) and help to fix shit THEY CREATED. ONCE AGAIN. 

The abuser she first SHOT IN COLD BLOOD and then happily work with, when he was magically brought to life, because oh yeah, he made Luthors look good. LOL

Her relationships are in shambles and it’s her fault. What first? She had that chances in s2. 

Lena’s finally seen the light and the truth about who Lex and Lillian are, so it’s given her a new lease on life, one where she can begin to put her past behind her and move forward for the first time in her life. She can, hopefully, start to have a life that isn’t constantly dragged down by her family. And I think the best way to do this is to make her an official super friend.

I’m dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying. Lena shot Lex with cold blood because she knew who he was. And then she was still manipulated by him. For the THIRD TIME. And she had that life in STARCITY and she threw it away, because she wanted to be a LUTHOR. Once again, it’s on HER. She could walk away every fucking second. But she chose to stay. And do horrible

On this point I’m pretty sure she is a dumb bitch that can’t learn on her own experiences what makes me wonder about people calling her a genius. 

Lena’s often kept out of the loop until the very end when she invents some life-saving device and stops the villain, which is tiresome and shows that the writers truly don’t understand the complexity of the character and how impactful her relationships with the other characters could be.

How many times the shit she “helped” to fix was HER fault? Because she knew better and didn’t listen to her friends? This is IN character and writers know exactly who she is. Sorry not sorry, canon.

I’m not saying that Kara and company are going to immediately trust Lena to be on their side and always do the right thing. That will be part of the tension of Lena joining the group at first, proving that she’s capable of helping them and being a positive addition to their group. With Lex on the loose (hopefully not for long), this provides the perfect opportunity to begin Supergirl season 6 with Lena in the fold, finding more reasons to keep her there along the way.

Sure, once again Superfriends need to offer their hand to their ABUSER and invate her to their circle. So she can fuck shit again. Positive addition, yeah - butthurt, complains, eternal bitching about how people call her Luthor, being always right, not listening to the others. But oh yeah, she can produce more kryptonite to torture Kara. Once again, why keep her? Put her in the jail, case close.

(...)now is the time that Supergirl seems to be relying heavily on the team element, and leaving Lena out would be disastrous. The entirety of the Lena vs. Kara story on season 5 could have been avoided if Lena was brought into the fold earlier (and seeing only a few alternate realities doesn’t convince me that there was no way Kara could have told Lena earlier… that’s a pathetically easy way out of the story and the writers surely know it).

Sure. Blame Kara once again for rightfully protecting herself. And sure, CANON can’t convince you that telling Lena earlier would have changed a shit. Some people can’t understand that Lena is the pathetic control freak and has to know everything, because if not boo hoo hoo, people call her a Luthor.

This is canon Lena Luthor. I’m sorry she doesn’t fit your headcanon.

 And aside from Kara, Lena needs to work out her relationships with the others, too. She had minimal scenes with Alex — which is the second most important relationship to develop next to Kara and Lena’s on Supergirl season 6 — on season 5 and Brainy, too. But have Lena and Nia even been in a scene together? That’s a tragedy in and of itself. Plus, Kelly was the only one on good terms with Lena, and that could grow into a beautiful friendship, especially because of the relationship that Katie McGrath and Azie Tesfai share off-screen.

Her most important relationships are: her and her ego, her and her last name, her and her mommy issues, her and her brother. What she needs to develope is a fucking conscience. 

And Jesus Christ, leave Nia out of her fucking clucthes, we don’t need her corrupting poor Dreamer (aside of the fact Dreamer is protective of Kara and is going to show Lena her middle finger in s6). Why we need being tortured but going through Lena making friends with everybody?

Lena’s been a series regular on the show for three seasons, yet she’s continuously the person left out. Nia’s a superhero and knew Kara’s identity before her, Kelly has close ties with Alex and Kara even if she’s not officially in on the secret yet, and Brainy instantaneously became part of the group when the Legion showed up during season 3. Because of the ridiculous good vs. evil story, Lena has not been allowed to grow and develop real relationships after three seasons. Supergirl season 6 must rectify that.

LOL, she was in the cricle. All the time. She just didn’t know Kara’s secret. But sure, it kept her form growing up *dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing*. All of the characters that knew earlier were worthy Kara’s trust. Canon showed Lena was and is not. She is ruled by her BUTTHURT. That’s the problem with Princess Lena. She was blinded by her emotions by MONTHS. And for sure it will happen again, because Miss Luthorgirl is unable to understand her own fucking flaws and blames everyone but herself.

After painting Lena out to be a villain for the entirety of season 5, Supergirl season 6 absolutely cannot follow their history of major interpersonal developments occurring off-screen with Lena, especially when it comes to her relationship with Kara.

Not painiting. She was the villain. Yeah, all we need is focusing on Lena’s being sad and uspet and Kara trying to fix shit again. Because we don’t suffer from it since s2. 

Maybe instead of wasting time on a white privileged white bitch, who makes the same msiakes all the time and never paid for it, who kidnapped, tortured. enslaved and lobotomize people and her friends, let’s focus on dansen, developing Kelly, focusing more on Alex and Alex and Kara, giving Nia more screen time. I wonder, why the author thinks Lena and her whiny ass should get anything more?

This goes for all relationships, honestly, not just those involving Lena. While I do think everyone should get these moments on-screen, it absolutely has to happen with Lena if we’re going to believe her journey going forward. Making all of these moments happen off-screen is quite a bad habit that has constantly dragged Supergirl down, but should we actually get to see the emotions and growth exploring during Supergirl season 6, there’s a lot of potential, particularly because of how talented this cast is.

Sure. But the others, REAL representation, are not that important as Lena and her privileged ass. Who needs her journey going forward? She had her chance. She fucked it more than once. 

And now, amazing how this person totally IGNORED that Lena kidnapped, killed, lobotomized, enslaved, tortured Kara and hurt her physically and emotionally like NO ONE EVER HAD, that she supported and happily worked with a mass murderer and terrorist, that she planned to DESTROY Kara and her family. Like all she did was some bad things, but it was not her fault that much, because her family abused her and Kara lied to her, what a crime!, let’s not talk about what she really has done. The shit since s2. The list is LONG. Because, ha ha haaaaaa, Lena doing bad things, while being “blinded by her emotions” is NOT only s5.

Lena Luthor is not a poor victim of circumstances and her family. Her crying and helping people fixing HER shit is not a redemption. Her apologizing to Kara is not REDEMPTION. All of she has done is still THERE. If she wants redemption, she needs to PAY for her SHIT and earn it. 

The problem is, I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. She can rot in jail. And tbh, this is what she deserves. 

Kara deserves better. Superfriends deserve better.

#anti lena luthor #anti sc #my shit #gmo lena #antilena

[meta-squash]

Brick Club 1.3.8 “Death Of A Horse”

Lots of reference research and then Angry Feelings About Tholomyes in this one.

The facade is starting to crumble. Tholomyes has just kissed Favourite instead of Fantine. He’s drunk and even his friends want him to shut up. And now Zephine is complaining that she likes the food at Edon’s better than Bombarda’s.

Blacheville points out the mirrors on the walls, and there’s some wordplay there with Favourite re: “glace” for looking glass and ice creams. This also sounds like Favourite deliberately defying Tholomyes’ earlier rant about not eating sugar.

Tholomyes has a weird moment, he seems maybe about to get maudlin. “Silver is more precious than bone,” says Blacheville, to which Tholomyes replies “Except when it’s on the chin.” I may be reading this wrong, or backwards, but this sounds like a brief insecurity about aging. (Also I imagine the fact that he’s staring out at the dome of the Invalides is significant, but I don’t know why.)

“A discussion is good, a quarrel is better” is really just an excellent summary of what kind of “devil’s advocate” type douchebag Tholomyes is. (It’s also interesting that at no point does he “discuss,” “debate,” or “quarrel” with any of them. He has the floor and he monologues, there’s never any real back and forth with him.)

Tholomyes is pretty drunk at this point, so I’m really not sure if this following dialogue is him being mocking or him fully dismissing philosophy altogether in favor of theatre. I’m inclined to assume it’s the second, considering his earlier comments about preferring theatre. Descartes and Spinoza are, obviously, philosophers, but Desaugiers was a composer of operas and comedies, as well as the manager of the Vaudeville from 1815 until 1820. Either way, Tholomyes is pretty blatantly saying here that he doesn’t much care for philosophy.

He’s kind of the anti-Amis here, professing essentially that he doesn’t like Serious Thinking and would rather be entertained by theatre or by grisettes than think about anything substantial. His improvising is mostly empty, crappy advice where he criticizes women and gives bad dating opinions (compare with Grantaire’s improv which is mostly good social/political critique with dashes of obnoxiousness). His “wisdom” is comprised of the 19th century version of sexist pricks saying a bunch of stupid shit and then wondering why women don’t like “nice guys like him.”

More going on about contradictions, only this time seriously, rather than in the form of punnery. Life is about contradictions and irrationality, according to Tholomyes. He’s trying to be all science-y, but then he just goes back to talking about food. He goes on about how the wine they’re drinking is from a higher altitude, but it’s cheap. (Interesting that so far all of his improvised speeches have either been about women or food/drink.)

Fameuil gets a little barb in, though. He asks Tholomyes who his favorite writer is. Arnaud Berquin (which is Fameuil’s guess) was a French children’s author in the mid to late 1700s, so basically Fameuil is calling Tholomyes childish and maybe a little stupid. Berchoux (Tholomyes’ answer) was a comedic poet who invented the word “gastronomy.”

Everything with Tholomyes comes back to the sensual pleasures. Food and sex and theatre and gratification without having to actually reciprocate. This is drastically different from nearly every other character that we see. Most of them are incredibly poor and have barely any access to things necessary for survival, much less pleasure. Or, like Valjean or Javert, deny themselves sensual pleasures for various reasons. (Valjean out of piety and guilt, Javert for control, except for his little pinch of tobacco.) Tholomyes just cares about his own pleasure (but not his own personal wellbeing, considering Hugo says he’s “in poor shape” and basically physically gross) and whatever manipulation or money or schmoozing it takes to get it.

And a sudden barrage of references! Thargelia was a famous ancient Greek courtesan/hetaera who was very powerful and full of wit and had connections to Persian royalty. Hugo seems to have masculinized the name and imagined what that version would be like. I cannot find anything on Munophis of Elephanta; I’m guessing Hugo has butchered the spelling enough that whatever it is has become impossible to figure out, or he was talking out his ass. Apuleius wrote Metamorphosis, which had a lot of commentary on cultural/social life of the time; also Apuleius was part of the Dionysian cult. He quotes Solomon in Ecclesiastes (there is nothing new under the sun) and then pronounces that love is the same (quoting Virgil), there is nothing new there, either. From what I can understand by skimming that section in Georgics, that part of Virgil is about animal husbandry and is specifically talking about horny animals and how they’re going to want to mate no matter what. He’s basically saying that all men are horny and that‘s not going to change, and that they’re going to care more about sex than romance and always have. As far as I can tell, “carabine/carabin” is referencing a sex worker who caters to “carabin” aka medical students, although I’m not sure why the barge at Saint Cloud? Aspasia was the lover of Pericles; some sources depict her as a prostitute. She was foreign, so she actually had more rights than native Greek women, and she was very beautiful and very smart and witty.

Basically, Tholomyes is being a slimy bastard and saying men don’t want romance and women are there to keep men entertained and their dicks wet, and if they’re smart/witty as well as a good lay, that’s even better (perhaps a backhanded compliment for Favourite here? Since she’s supposed to be the “clever one”). Asshole. God, I hate him.

I know most people seem to say that Thenardier is the worst character in the Brick, the closest to a “bad guy” you can get in this book, but I think it’s actually Tholomyes. Thenardier, throughout the book, is awful, but most of his horrible actions are at least primarily fueled by desperation and a complete lack of access to, well, anything. Tholomyes, on the other hand, is the opposite of socially or financially desperate. He’s a rich, charismatic law student who thinks he’s hot shit. He manipulates and uses a girl 11 years younger than him, gets her pregnant, cheats on her, mocks her in front of his friends as well as her own friends (or the girls she thinks are her friends), never corrects her about the nature of their relationship, and then abandons her completely in a cruel prank. And if we’re interpreting this whole monologue right, it’s all for his own amusement. What a horrible, awful man.

The death of this poor weak horse feels like a foreshadowing, or at the very least a metaphor for the plight of poor women. Made to work hard, sacrifice themselves, starved, tired, and even when they’ve fallen either morally or literally, they’re blamed rather than helped, and then they die because no one ever tries to help them.

Tholomyes riffs on Francois de Malherbe in reaction to the death of the old horse. The Malherbe quote is from a letter of condolence to a colleague on the death of his daughter and says “But she bloomed on earth, where the most beautiful things have the saddest destiny; / And Rose, she lived as live the roses, for the space of a morning.” Tholomyes’ riff is (as best as I can do with google translate) “She was of this world where cuckoos [or cuckoo clocks?] and carriages have the same fate / And, nag, she lived as live the nags, in the space of a morning.”

Fantine gets her first spoken line here, sympathizing with the horse. Which, if this is foreshadowing as well as general commentary, is just so sad. Also, the fact that everyone else brushes off the horse’s death is interesting. If it is a metaphor, so is this brushing off. The grisettes are highly aware of their precarious position in life. One bad thing can send it all crashing down; but they expect it. They don’t sympathize or feel bad about it because they’ve seen it happen around them, they know it’ll happen to them one day too.

Favourite is the one who remembers the surprise. She’s been the only one of the girls actually talking about it. She’s the one who gets the dialogue asking for it and the one that keeps reminding the men about it. I don’t think she’s in cahoots with them about it or anything, but I wonder what she thinks is going on.

Also interesting that the “moment” that is suddenly right for this surprise has just been preceded by a downturn in mood at the shock of the dead horse. This horse has just dropped, and now the girls are waiting for yet another crushing emotional blow.

The fact that Tholomyes derails the kiss to a kiss on the forehead is definitely him trying to distance himself from Fantine. A kiss on the mouth would perhaps make her think he has feelings for her, that there’s any emotion involved in this at all. Plus he’s been cheating on her with Favourite. A kiss on the forehead is distant enough that it’s more emotionally “safe” for all of them, but especially Tholomyes, who really just wants out of this whole situation because he really doesn’t want to deal with a girl having feelings for him (or his child!) or pretty much anything that doesn’t have to do with his own pleasure. He’s just so manipulative and sleazy, I hate him.

The difference between Favourite’s reaction as they walk out the door and Fantine’s reaction is interesting to me because it seems to confirm just how oblivious Fantine really is. It’s not like she’s judging the others and thinks she’s in a Real Relationship, which is not like what the other girls have. She’s definitely not even remotely aware of the emotional status quo that everyone else recognizes. Favourite thinks it’s all good fun and games. Fantine seems to genuinely think that everyone else feels the same as she does about their affairs with the students. She seems to assume that she’s not the only one who’s in love. All the more shock for her in the next chapter, when the other girls are laughing and she’s devastated.

This whole thing is made all the worse with the fact that every single person involved in this affair is extremely aware of the difference between Fantine and everyone else. They talk about it to each other, and even to Fantine, who doesn’t seem to notice or get it. They probably giggle about her behind her back the entire time. They all know she’s in love with Tholomyes, and I assume they all know she also has a kid. They are perfectly aware of the difference between her and them. Which means all of the men are perfectly aware of how she’ll probably react to the “surprise” and what it might do to her socially. They don’t give a shit. They obviously think she’s a space case and a child and probably think she’s “no fun” compared to the other grisettes. So it doesn’t matter to them what happens to her; it doesn’t even matter to the other grisettes what happens to her, because they’re laughing at her too.

#les miserables #les miserables meta #brickclub #les mis #les mis meta #lm 1.3.8 #I am Angry About Tholomyes but bad at articulating it #because most of my thoughts are just a scribble of 'disgusting horrible awful sleazy manipulative gross motherfucker i hate him so much' #also it's almost 7am and i haven't slept yet so that might have something to do with it too