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healpeony · 3 years

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Love Story

Levi Ackerman x reader

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲; Levi's and Y/n love isn't accepted by many specially Y/n's parents, an Eldian and a Marleyan? a great represention of Persephone's and Hades love.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; profanity, angst, scene of smut (not explicitly described), violence, blood, being called whore (by her mother), homophobia (also used by her mother), spoilers.

Taglist; @icedkoffees

Note; she/her pronouns used for the reader as well as female anatomy. Also I'm using what Isayama said about how Levi would act shy around his crush and him being uncomfortable with sexual intercourse. And I also want to add that I don't know much about what happens when the Marleyans invaded Paradise, and I also added my own thing to help with my plot so this could be call a cannonverse!au.

PERSEPHONE a young women who's innocence was taken from her the moment she was kidnapped by her uncle, who fell in love with her. Despite her mother's (Demeter) attempts to fully get her back right away from the hands of her brother, it was too late that wasn't going to happened not after Hades persuaded Persephone to eat four seeds of pomegranate, which forced someone to have a connection with their captor, making them come back to them.

Each spring time Persephone would be living with her mother on earth, while in winter she was with Hades in the underworld.

Levi was the Persephone to Y/n's Hades, she being the one who used him and their love for each other was the pomegranate making Levi come back to her.

It's ironic how their love story started with y/n getting taken away from Marley, a place she called home.

Even though she wasn't necessarily kidnaped, she was sent away to accomplish a mission in a place called Paradise, she found it ridiculous how it was named that way when that land was full of devils.

Y/n was shipped to Paradise along with the warriors. She was going to infiltrate into the Survey Corps where she would hopefully sabotage every expedition without getting caught.

Her mission was to make sure none of the warriors get too cozy in the foreign place, and to focus on their mission, but it was impossible to do so when all the people who were described as devils, were actually just like them. Humans.

She was older than those kids being 22 when they were still 15, y/n loved them, they were like little siblings to her and it hurt when they lost Marcel, the jaw.

"Oi brat! Stay focused" the voice of her captain took her out of her train of thoughts

Captain Levi, he was called humanity strongest and was also what everyone called their only hope. At first Y/n didn't understood why he needed such a big tittle, but after being in his squad and witnessing him showing his skills and his hatred towards titans, she got why.

"I'm sorry captain" she saluted, which was dismissed by him

"You called what you did back in the kitchen, cleaning?" he asked pointing towards the place he just mentioned "There is dust everywhere, go and clean everything again, I don't want to see any dust in there again. That's where our food is made, you idiot"

Without another word he left, and when she felt like he was out of earshot, she kicked a chair, breaking it. He might be Humanities strongest, but he was soo irritating, so obsessed with cleaning. That's what they always did for the most part of their time.

"there is dust everywhere my ass" she mocked Levi's voice while looking around the kitchen she just finished cleaning minutes ago

She had made sure everything was left without a spot of dust, how in the world did Levi saw dust anywhere.

After she had cleaned the kitchen area, Levi had send her to clean the stables which took a lot of time since he told her to clean alone. It was already sun down when she had finished.

She was exhausted, her clothes were pooled with sweat and glued to her skin making her uncomfortable, she really needed a shower.

"Go take a shower" the sudden voice of the raven man scare the hell out of her

"Fuck Captain!" y/n yelled, putting a hand on her chest as if that would calm her speeding heart beat

"Go now, and then come to eat dinner with us" he continued, the blank stare he gave her when they made eye contact given her chills

"Yes, sir" she saluted, before leaving

The mess hall was well a mess, the cadets eat like animals. The same soup and bread they always eat, Y/n found it extremely annoying how the Military Police get all the meat when the Survey Corps were the ones doing the only brave work inside the walls.

"Y/n if you're not going to eat your soup can I have it?" Sasha asked

Oh, how much she wanted to say no, but she had a reputation to hold and she didn't want the soup anyway.

Y/n faked a smile, (one that everyone thought that was genuine) before saying "of course, Sasha" passing the bowl full of hot soup to the girl

"Thanks!"

Y/n felt how eyes were burning through her skull and turned her head to look down the table, just to see Captain Levi staring at her with a suspicious look in his eyes.

Oh shit, if he in some way found out about who she really was, she was fucked. The young women tried her best to stay seated, but her nerves didn't let her making her stand up.

"I'm exhausted, I think I'm going to sleep"

It wasn't a lie she was tired from all the cleaning, but she didn't want to sleep, she just needed to desperately get out of there.

When she was finally outside, y/n leaned against the wall, sliding down while taking a deep breath.

"You know, it isn't good to fake smile to your friends"

Y/n immediately turn around at the sudden voice of her captain, he did it again, he scared the living shit out of her.

"Captain!, Stop doing that!" her face felt warmer than usual for some reason

Was she blushing?

"Why did you do it? Are you sad?" Levi asked putting down a handkerchief on the ground before sitting next to her, looking over at her examinating her face

"Oh it's just stress" Y/n replied, praying that he would just believe her

"I see.." he turned towards the sky where the moon shined brightly along with the stars

What Y/n thought that would be a awkward silence, turned into a comfortable one. They just stared at the sky above them, it remind Y/n that she had a family waiting for her outside the walls and she was not going to disappoint them by getting comfy with the captain, even though she didn't know what his intentions were.

"I'm going to take a nap" she stood up, and called over her shoulder "Have a good night, captain" before proceeding to walk towards her room

"Good night, cadet..."

Y/n didn't know when it happened, was it when they continued sitting together and looking at the sky in complete silence, or was it when in some of those same nights they spoke more and more about each other's personal life (in none of those conversations she mentioned Marley, but still talked about her family). She didn't remember how her feelings for him changed, but they did.

Right now she was there, in the same spot on the wall with Levi next to her. They were even in first name basics with each other.

The raven man cleared his throat catching her attention, turning her head to the side to look at him she noticed how he was blushing.

"I.. I think is pretty obvious what I feel for— about you by now"

A surprised noice escaped Y/n mouth, she expected to have that talk with him some day, but not today or Levi being so straight forward with the subject.

The women could only nod, her brain still processing what he just said.

"I was wondering, if you felt the same.." his voice dropped to a whisper, while he looked down

"No" she shaked her head, making Levi looked up at her eyes widened with embarrassment at the rejection "Look, Levi.. it's just that I have done terrible things that you're not aware of. You don't want to be with me"

"Then tell me what terrible things you have done and let me be with you after your done" Levi said

"No, Levi you don't understand" tears pooled in her eyes, y/n didn't even remember the last time she had cry "I can't be with you"

"Why? Is it because of the terrible things you have done? Well guess what everybody has their own flaws, everybody in this world is an angel, at least until they get tired of the cruelty in it and let the demons take over" Levi grabbed her face between his hands, wiping the falling tears from her face "I want to be with you, wether you have let your demons take over or not"

Y/n felt the man lean in to place his lips to hers, they stayed pressed together without movement, before Levi pull away and kissed her again this time letting his emotions be known through the kiss.

Passion. Love. Care.

This is a moment in her life she would never forget not even when hers and the warriors mission is over.

Retaking of wall Maria

"I let you. I fucking let you in!"

Levi stood infront of her heartbroken, she told him, now he knew everything..

"Levi-" however she wasn't able to continue speaking since she received a kick right in the face making her fall on her side

She looked at Levi surprised, he had kicked her. Y/n knew she deserved, but it still hurt to have someone you loved hit you.

"You lied about everything didn't you? For what, to get information?" his voice was cracking slightly with each word he said "Was it necessary to use me for your stupid plans?"

"I didn't use you!, What I felt for you was real" y/n said defending her feelings

"I don't even know what is real about you anymore, is Y/n actually your name? Or is it just another lie?"

"It is my name.." she weakly murmured tasting blood in her tongue, she figured that her lip might have been split open from the impact

"Oh good to know"

Sarcasm tried to cover his hurt voice, which actually didn't work, since Y/n could clearly hear his shaky breath and it made her feel soo guilty.

"I hate you"

Those three little words were enough to make her world come crashing down, he hated her. Of course he did, it hurt so much but she had seen this coming, and she still didn't felt ready for it.

"I'm sorry, Levi"

That was all she said to him, before she was grabbed by a titan being controlled by Zeke, taking her away from the place where she meet someone who meant so much to her.

One thing that she was sure of was that

She will never forget Levi Ackerman.

Screams, that was what was heard everywhere. Kids either with their parents or alone were running desperately trying to find shelter, and that broke Y/n's heart.

She was tired of all the fighting, she was tired of pretending to be stronger than she felt. For once she just wanted peace and happiness, something that she didn't quite have the past four years.

How did they got here? That was one of the many questions going through her head, but one that she paid more attention to was the most important

Was he here too?

"There you are, piece of shit."

That voice, it was him. It might have changed, but she could recognize it everywhere, the same voice who used to startle her everytime they saw each other, the voice that bought her comfort, the voice of the man she fell in love with.

It was Levi.

Slowly she proceeded to turn around, the fear for what might happen next running through her veins. She was ready to be killed by him.

Finally she look up and saw the same man she fell in love with, the only change that she saw was the uniform, apart from that he still seem like he had the same height as before and from the look on his face he still had the same temper.

"Nice uniform, I like it" she told him quietly not knowing what to say

Levi scoffed at her statement, taking his blade out. So he was going to kill her.

"You can go ahead and kill me, might as well add another ghost to haunt you"

Did she felt fear? Yes she did, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing it.

"Shut up" that was his response, before he connected his blade with her cheek leaving a long but not deep cut "You're going to come with me"

"I'm not going anywhere!"

The last thing he told her was that he hated her, why would he want her to come back to Paradise?, Was it to use her for information? Or because he missed her? It was stupid to think of the latter question, but she was still hopeful.

"I'm not asking, you brat"

That was the last thing she heard before he knocked her out.

"How could you be with a devil?!"

Her mom's scream hurt her eardrums, Zeke had told them about how she had been in a relationship with a so call devil. That seem like the only thing Zeke could do apart from throwing rocks, snitch.

"You were send there for a reason Y/n! No child of mine should've or should be with one of those devils!"

"Mother, I'm so sorry it's just that it would be easier for me to get the information about them that I wanted"

That was a lie. She loved Levi, even though she didn't get the chance to say it to him. She did, and that feeling wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

Her father stood next to her mother quietly looking at her with disgusts as if she was the trash people get rid of because of the smell, she hated that, it hurt to have your own parents hating on you.

"So what? For a piece of information, you had to go and whore yourself in there?"

Y/n gasped looking at her mom shocked "What? No mother, I didn't do anything like that with him!" she argue

That wasn't a lie, Levi was uncomfortable with sexual intercourse, since his own mother worked in a brothel and he had been the witness of how much that act hurt his mother, he had trusted her enough to tell her that.

"Good, you still have your purity." her mom nodded, before letting out a sigh "At least it wasn't with a women, you would've been completely kicked out of this house young lady"

"Now go take a shower, make sure to wash away every memory in that land while doing so." her mom smiled softly her hand reaching out to touch her cheek, before hugging her "My poor baby, having to live with those devils for so long. Don't worry you're home now, you're safe with us"

What once was her home didn't feel like home anymore, her house was just a place, her home was the person she left behind in Paradise.

Y/n didn't remember how many days have passed or what was going on outside of her cell. She didn't know in what prison she was in, but just a few days ago it had seem like there was a whole damn war going on outside.

She hasn't seen Levi since he put her into the cell, and she was scared that something might have happened to him. She heard the door of the corridor open, Y/n stood up walking towards the bars to see who it was, it was Hange.

"Y/n" Hange nodded at her as if they were saying hi "He said your name, so we think it would be good if you saw him"

"Who are you talking about?" Y/n asking looking at them confused

"Levi"

Her heart immediately speed up, something happened to him. Her anxiety grew each passing second as she took step by step through the halls, Hange having a hold of her arm to make sure she didn't try to run away.

"What happened to him?" Y/n questioned scared for what the answer might be

"Explosion" was all they said, before entering a room that seems to be Levi's, there was only a nurse sitting in a chair probably just there just in case Levi needed something

"Thanks, you can stand outside. We would call if we need you" Hange told the nurse who nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her, but not before throwing Y/n a look of disapproval about her being there.

Y/n ran to Levi's side as soon as the nurse was out, he had bandages in one side of his face, and on his hands. Tears started sliding down the young women's cheek while Hange looked at her with pity, but also cautiously not wanting her to do anything that might hurt Levi.

"Levi.." she whispered, even though

y/n felt bad about disturbing him from his sleep knowing how difficult it was for him to do so, she wanted to hear his voice, reassuring her that he was going to be ok "Everything it's going to be fine, right Hange? Tell him"

“Yeah, I agree with you y/n”

She didn't knew who she was trying to convince herself or Levi, but that didn't matter, because she felt a squeeze in one hand and immediately look down to see that Levi was the one holding it. Y/n look back up to his face seeing how his eye was open and he was staring directly at her.

Y/n smiled "Hey darling, you're okay now" she let out those word between sobs "— I'm sorry for everything Levi, for not telling you where I was really from, for letting you fall in love with me when I knew how it was going to bed. I'm so sorry for every misery that I have put you through"

Levi squeezed her hand again "- 's ok, I f—orgive you" his words came out has a whisper and he struggled to speak but she heard him clearly

Hange watched the scene playing out infront of them, they could see how much those two loved each other. They were like a puzzle, that could figure each other out, knowing each piece of themselves like the back of their hands.

It has been a month and a half exactly since Y/n had seen Levi in the bed witnessing how helpless he looked, she had never seen him like that and wasn't planning to anytime soon, since then she hadn't left his side.

He was currently touching her bare back leaving kisses down her neck, their naked chest pressed together, hot and sweaty.

"Levi..." she moaned softly

This was their first time being intimate, and she didn't want him to feel pressured into anything.

"I know what you're going to say, and I want to how much as you" he said before continuing marking her, claiming her as his

Each move of his hips against hers, reminded her of who she was with. The gentleness in his touch making her forget about the world around them. The softness of his lips against hers taking her breath away.

It wasn't just the pleasure that made Levi take the decision of doing this with her, this was his own way of showing how far he would go just to be with her, to come out of his comfort zone just to shower her with intimate kisses and touches that he and neither would she forget.

“I love you Levi”

Her skin was the canvas, and his lips was the brush painting each part of her body.

“I love you too...”

“You will come back with us immediately young lady!" her mother said trying to remain calm infront of the devils

The rumbling was over, Eren Yeager was killed. Paradise and Marley were allies, but that doesn't mean they have forgiven each other for what each have done. Many Marleyans and Eldians from Marley came to visit out of curiosity, while people from Paradise went to explore the world (if we are talking about visiting the outside world and finding new things as much as possible), but they never want to visit Marley afraid that they might get turn into titans and angry for what those monsters have done to other people.

"I'am old enough to make my own decisions, mother" Y/n had answered, wanting to remain as calm as she could

"His manipulating you isn't he?"

"How dare you!—" Y/n yelled, before regaining her composure, her voice going back to calm but being loud and firm at the same time "I love him, he didn't manipulate me into anything. It's bold of you to assume that, mother"

"We're your family, your place it's with us!"

Some of the Military Police who were there scoffed along with some of the scouts, they have warmed up to Y/n already, but the Marleyans didn't seem to accept that one of themselves loved an Eldian, specially from Paradise.

"You're my family? Then where were you when I needed you the most?, All I needed when I returned to Marley four years ago was my mother!, The one who an illusion of my mind created, a sweet mom who would love me for being her child, and not see me as an object" Y/n couldn't remain calm anymore she needed to let everything out "— The time I spent with him, I got to truly know what comfort was, what being loved and being needed felt like! And you—" with tears in her eyes she turned to her father who was quiet, like he always was "You're so afraid of mom that you don't even dare to speak for yourself!, You did nothing to help your own daughter!, You just watched as she was raised to be something she didn't want to be!"

She spoke out her mind finally letting out those built up words that haunted her, needing to be said "— I thank you for everything though, despite not given me the love that I needed, your own choices took me to where we are now. Without those decisions, I wouldn't have met Levi so I thank you, for what you both did" she smiled at them

Her mom stood there quietly, before turning around and walking towards the door, her father following close behind "Don't bother returning home" was all her father said

"I won't"

She was already home, she was standing next to it. Holding his hand, Levi Ackerman was the safe place she will always and forever need.

“— And they lived happily ever after”

Y/n closed the book, looking at the twins, her daughter and son who had fallen asleep half way through the story.

“Please tell me you didn't read to them the explicit parts”

The voice of her husband scared her and she turned to him, who stood by the door leaning into it.

“Of course not you idiot!”

She stood up turning off the lamp and given both of the children kisses on their head, before going out of the room with Levi.

“I still think we should publish this book” Y/n smirked, a mischievous look in her eyes

“Absolutely not”

Yeah, their Love Story had a happy ending after all.

This was so much fun to write! I wrote 4k words and I'm proud of that! I feel like my writing has improved in the past few days, and this might be one of the works that will show it, and I hope future ones show the progress too! Also I want to punch y/n's mother in the face.

Thank you so much for reading, you can support my work by hitting reblog or liking! But don't repost to other platforms!

#levi ackerman angst #levi ackerman x reader #aot oneshots #shingeki no kyoujin #snk spoilers #attack on titan #levi ackerman fluff #levi ackerman #blood #homophobia #profane #aot angst #aot x reader #levi ackerman smut

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jamiesonbiz · 3 years

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love-reverend-swanson · 4 years

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A little trip

Pairing: Hosea Matthews & You/Reader

Rating: General audience

Tags: Cutness, fluff, romantic

Hosea and you are on your way to a deserted hut at O'Creagh's Run at Grizzlies East. Hosea found it once as Arthur and him tryed to hunted that beast of a Bear. It's Quiet a ride with your camp being located in Clements Point now. But Hosea don't seem to mind. You sit on his strong dapple grey czech warm blood horsebody. Your head leaning against his human shoulders. The stallion calmly gallops towards your destination. He enjoys taking trips with you. With you on his horseback. You feel honored. Cause Bessie and now you are the only ones who are allowed to ride on him. You, he would gladly carry everywhere you like. Others he would buck off like a wild horse. You and him are a couple since two months by now. And everybody in camp knows that.

They are happy that he finally is happy again and found love. After Bessie he was sad and alone. And now at his age, he feels like a worn out stallion who is settled down to live on a meadow for the rest of his life. Nobody wanted him anymore. Not only because he's a freaking centaur wich are normally extinct, but also due to his looking. His cheek bones standing out, thin and slender human body and Silver hair. But you still see the strength and the fighter in him. Just because he is 55 doesn't mean he's automatically getting weak. You can clearly feel the muscles in his chest, biceps and shoulders. And not to forget the muscles in his horsebody. It's damn strong too. You can feel it move strongly underneath you, with muscles flexing then and there from the movement. Sometimes when you ride on your horse and he gallops next to you, you can even see a few veins coming out then and there underneath his skin and soft fure. Hosea is still galopping slowly along the path's between the trees and bushes.

You are on your way for surely two hours by now. Hosea often switched between Gallop, Trott and a slow walk. But you can feel that he's slowly getting tired. Pants leave his mouth then and there from the running he do for the last thirdy minutes. In this time he only used the Gallop.

,,Take a break baby. I can feel you getting tired and me too." You whisper against his back.

,,You probably right dear." He gasp.

Then he slowed down into a trott, and after a short while into a slow walk. The only thing Hosea and you have with you is food. He wear black big saddlebags wich are fastened behind you on his horsebody. But you found a save spot between bushes. He lays down carefully on the soft grass between big bushes and trees. It should be save for tonight. You get down from his horsebody, and lay your head on his horse belly. Then you two fall asleep. You wake with the singing birds. Both of you slowly get up, and stretch yourself. Then Hosea help you up on his strong horseback again. He turn arround and Trott back on the path wich lead you two to your direction. It's still two hours to go. So he start to Gallop slowly right away.

Two hours later you are finally by the big hut. Inside there is a fireplace with a white fur carpet opposite of it, a big table with six chairs, three on each side and a big bed wich is even able to hold Hosea's heavy centaur weight. You get off of his back. Then you enter the hut. Hosea close and lock the door behind you two. The curtains are closed too. So that you have some privacy.

,,Can you help me dear?" He ask.

,,Of course cutie." You smile.

Then you open the strap from the saddlebags, and take them from his back. Then you give them to him.

,,Thanks darling." He smiles.

Then he turn around and bend down to place a soft kiss on your lips. You happily kiss back. After three kisses he turn arround again, to lay the saddlebags on the table and open them. He wear his gunbelt, and you your bow and arrows. He give you a bread roll and some sausage. You thank him. And he eats the same. While you sit down on a chair opposite of him, Hosea's horse ass sit down on the wooden floor. You love him so much.

,,We need to go hunting later dearest." He says before he take another bite of the sausage.

,,Indeed." You agree.

,,But let's realx for a while baby. Specially you. You did most of the work." You smile after a short silence.

,,Sure. No problem angel. I would take you anywhere you want." He smiles.

You blush.

,,Aww your cute. I love you." You smile.

Now he blush too.

,,I love you too dearest."

Then you eat the rest of your sausage and bread roll in silence. He's such a cute and lovely stallion. Abd always so sweet, tender and caring for people he love. You never understand how you got so lucky with such a beautiful, cute, tender and loving centaur like him. Yeah sure, at first it was weird to be together with him cause he's a centaur. But you got used to it, and it has many benefits. Like having a big pillow or a ride to someplace you want. At least with some centaurs. You really appreciate it and feel honored that Hosea trust you so much that he would take you anywhere you like. And that you can use his horsebody as a big soft pillow. Sometimes you cuddle with him instead of his horsebody. He and you love both. It don't matter. But sometimes both of you simply enjoy laying in each other's arms. Meanwhile you two are done eating. Hosea start a fire now. So both of you take off your thick coats and hang them up next to the door on a few hooks on the wall.

Then you sit down opposite the fireplace on the soft fur. Hosea lay down next to you. You lean to the left against his arm and close your eyes. It seems that you fell asleep, cause as you wake up, the fire is hardly burning and it cooled down in here. As you look up, you can see that Hosea's sleeping too. So cute. You once saw him on the breach back in camp once. There he fell asleep while standing. Just like a real horse. It looked cute too. But you still wonder how someone can fall asleep standing. You carefully get up, and throw something in the fire. Then you slowly to not wake him up, go next to him again, and lay down that your head rest on his horseback. But you only doze with closed eyes. After a while you hear Hosea's cute yawn. And you hear his shoulder joins crack while he stretch himself.

,,Awake baby?" You whisper.

,,Yea. We should go hunting. Shouldn't we?" He suggest.

,,Yes baby."

So you both get up. You stretch your body, and Hosea his horse half. Then you both put on your coat's. After that you grab your bow and arrows from the table. You both get outside. Hosea help you back on his horseback. Then you start searching. You find two beautiful big bucks. You immideatly shoot them. You managed to kill both immideatly without much pain for them. Hosea pick them up, and carry you back to the hut. You duck your head in the doorway. Hosea get out again to skin them and take the meet you can eat back inside. He has two big bowls of buck meat now. That should be enough for two days at least. You take the meet and grill it in the fireplace. It tastes delicious.

,,That was a real good hunt. It was delicious." Hosea smiles.

,,Defenetly."

Meanwhile it's late at night. Hosea opens the other saddlebag where both of you stored a few clothes. Hosea put on a simply black shirt and you a pair of black pants, black socks and a black shirt. Then both of you settle down for the night. Hosea lay completely on his back. And you lay next to him. Your head on his human chest, your head hidden in the crook of his neck. Both of you fall asleep immideatly. It was a beautiful day. Finally some privacy. And you have two hopefully beautiful days with Hosea ahead of you, before you must go back to camp.

#red dead redemption 2 #hosea matthews

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3laalhuda · 4 years

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Pandemic

In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual.

Galileo Galilei

We live in amazing times! The world is put into quarantine, and fear and panic are being actively instilled into every mind through mass media and government activities. Yet, every person with a scientific background is scratching their head in bewilderment, because the cause of this 'pandemic' (the coronavirus) cannot be a real threat to humanity. In fact, it is not strong enough to be of any threat. Most deaths, assigned to this virus, are dubious to say the least: these are largely elderly people, who were ready to die anyway from a pre-existing chronic health condition, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease and autoimmune illness. Many (if not the majority) of these people did not have any specific tests proving that they died from coronavirus; it was simply assumed that they died from this virus based on their symptoms. It is quite common for a gravely ill person to finally succumb to a common cold, flu or pneumonia, because their immune system is not working well and the body is naturally winding down. Everybody dies eventually, death is a fact of life, and there is a typical daily death toll around the world, fluctuating up and down with seasons. If one took all deaths, that happened in a particular hospital in one month, and blamed them all on a virus, then we can 'create' any pandemic.

What about young people and children? Healthy people without chronic health problems, if infected with coronavirus, have either no symptoms at all or go through ordinary symptoms of a common cold. Unfortunately, many young and middle-aged people in the modern world live on processed and low-fat foods, which undermine their immune systems. That is why we have some statistics of younger and middle- aged people getting seriously ill, because these people damage their health daily by their food choices. But these statistics to not amount to anything out of the ordinary; they are the same as any statistic of people dying every winter from common colds and flu. When it comes to older people, apart from poor diet, there is another factor to remember: majority of them are taking statin drugs to reduce their blood cholesterol levels. Statins make human immune system disabled, so it cannot deal with any infection properly.

Testing for viruses is expensive and not common. It is not clear what tests have been used in all the claims of 'coronavirus deaths', so we cannot say with absolute certainty what exactly caused those deaths. But, leaving all that aside, the numbers of people getting seriously ill or even dying do not justify the worldwide panic and hysteria we all find ourselves in the midst of. It is completely out of proportion! Has the whole world lost its sanity? The fear is palpable everywhere, particularly in any mass media outlet.

History shows that the biggest enemy of humanity is not a virus, or a bacterium, or any other microbe. Our biggest enemy is FEAR! Fear destroys our immune system, creates chronic illnesses in the body, destroys our relationships with other people and scares us away from Mother Nature. In short: fear destroys our lives! This 'pandemic' is one of the biggest exercises in mass fear whipped up in recent times, and it is bewildering just how successful it is!

There is no such thing as free media, all media is tightly controlled by those in power. Try to put yourself in their position: if you were in charge of a large population of people and you wanted them to behave a certain way, wouldn't you control media first and foremost? Of course, you would! Ruling people is impossible without controlling their minds. Every king, every emperor, every dictator and every government, worth their salt, have known this for millennia. The real facts about coronavirus are completely out of proportion with the mass hysteria, the pandemic of panic and fear created by the world media. Who is ordering the media to do this? Why are they doing this? What is the real agenda behind the coronavirus? These are the questions many people are asking.

Perhaps it is time for us to re-read Harry Potter by J. K. Rolling. If you only watched the films, please read the books, as films can never give full justice to the books. If reading is not to your liking, I invite you to listen to the audiobooks, recorded beautifully by a British actor Stephen Fry. J. K. Rolling has given a good description of what mass fear does to humans. The whole 'coronavirus pandemic' looks like a smoke screen. What real action is happening behind that screen, something we are not supposed to know? There are many opinions and conspiracy theories flying around, proposing different scenarios for that real action. Is there a 'you know who' or 'Voldemort' there, busy with his evil plans? Perhaps, there are several Voldemorts with their entourage of 'death eaters'? What are they up to? It may become clear at some point, but at the moment there is something more important for us to understand. Albert Einstein has observed with great sadness what was happening in Germany during the second world war. The atrocities of that war demonstrated clearly what frightened humans are capable off, and how easily they are manipulated. He summed it up with a phrase, that has become a famous quote: 'He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.' Let us start thinking for ourselves, as the real truth always exists at grass roots, in the 'humble reasoning of a single individual'. 'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' - states another quote by Albert Einstein. Perhaps, it is time for us to stop obeying blindly and to start using our minds and our hearts? And, perhaps, we should teach our children to do the same?

So, what should we do at this bewildering time? Here is what I suggest.

Stop eating foods which destroy your immune system! These foods are: breakfast cereals, conventional bread, sugar, pasta, everything else made from flour and sugar, vegetable oils and everything cooked with them, Western soy products, all soft drinks and beer, all processed 'foods' and snacks, butter replacements, margarine and all low-fat 'foods', all pre-prepared and take away meals, all food additives and E-numbers. Instead, eat fresh eggs cooked in animal fat, bacon, fatty meats, oily fish, freshly prepared vegetables, liver pate and liver cooked any other way, other organs of animals (kidneys, tongue, tripe, lungs, brains). Make meat stock at home from gelatinous meats (feet, necks, heads, offcuts, skin, bones, joints, tails and other less-expensive parts of animals and birds). Make soups with this stock and eat all the meats on the bone, including the bone marrow. Make kefir, yogurt, sour cream and cottage cheese from raw organic milk. Eat plenty of raw organic butter and sour cream. If you cannot get raw milk, buy high-fat traditional cheeses, sour cream and natural butter. Make sure that every meal is rich in animal fats (beef, pork, lamb, duck, goose, chicken fat, butter and ghee). Eat fermented foods. Cook your food at home from fresh ingredients. These foods will keep your immune system so powerful and robust, that you will be able to forget about any infection and enjoy your life.

Stop washing your hands with antiseptic and sterilising lotions and potions! You are damaging your bodily microbial community, which is your most fateful ally against any infection! Instead get some soil on your hands! Dig up that useless lawn in front of your house and start growing vegetables and medicinal herbs. Lawns have become important contributors to the damage we, humans, are doing to our planet. Start taking part in reversing that damage! Get in contact with animals: cats, dogs, horses, cows, goats, etc. They are wonderful at maintaining a strong immune system in us, humans. And they are wonderful at taking us out of fear and into love!

Stop wearing a mask! It is not protecting you from anything! In fact, it is accumulating large amounts of microbes and creating a perfect moist environment for them to proliferate. Pathogenic microbes, growing on your mask, produce toxic gases, which you are breathing in. instead, spend more time outside in the sunshine, working in your garden. The beautiful spring has started! It is time to plant, to create new life. If you live in a city, get up to the rooftop of your building and create a roof top garden. There is plenty of know-how for creating such gardens (online and in books). Working outside with soil and plants will lift your spirit, strengthen your immunity, fill your blood with oxygen (which destroys any infection) and fill you with love instead of fear. And it will make your nose, sinuses and throat produce lots of virus-destroying mucous. Keep blowing your nose and clearing your throat, while working in the garden. Through mucous production your upper breathing passages clean themselves up (removing toxins, pollution and microbes), making you much healthier in the process.

Stop hiding indoors!The quarantine, imposed upon us, has given us a perfect opportunity to commune with soil, sunshine, fresh outside air and other humans in our households. Communing and sharing with other human beings is the biggest privilege of our lives! In 'normal' times we often don't have time for this privilege, because we are too busy working, earning, etc. Working together in the fresh air and in the sunlight with your loved ones is a joy! They are not going to infect you with anything dangerous. Instead, infect each other with laughter, enthusiasm, positivity and sense of humour!

And finally, do not allow fear into your life! Fear is nobody's friend! Instead, fill your life with kindness, gratitude and love. Just look at Nature: the infinite perfection of every leaf, every blade of grass, every hair on your cat, every feather on a bird and everything in a human body could only have been created out of energy of Love.

Become a carrier of this energy, an agent of this energy for yourself and everyone around you, and your life will transform! Where Love rules, there can be no fear, no hysteria and no panic pandemic.

Legal disclaimer: this blog is not a call for civil disobedience. I have expressed my personal opinion in this text, and invite the reader to think for themselves.

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Latest from the blog...

The Panic Pandemic

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gwoongi · 5 years

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𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗎𝗌 ✰ taehyung (7)

𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗎𝗌 kim taehyung / reader genre: zombie apocalypse au words: 4228

It felt shit to feel thankful of someone’s screaming. Mostly, Taehyung was happy it was them and not him.

a/n: funny story, i submitted this chapter as part of my creative writing portfolio and the prestige uni i sent it off to loved it and accepted me :D hopefully thats a nice indication on whether or not this is good :S

warnings: extremely graphic content, sexual pain, graphic torture, gore, violence, death, Humans Suck

01. denver ↝ 02. holiday with me ↝ 03. sad forever ↝ 04. surely ↝ 05.scorpion ↝ 06. shakespeare ↝ 07. thrones ↝ 08. moon motel

The group leave the trailer park three days later.

Bundling everything of use into the back of the truck, which seemed darker in colour since the last time it was used, you had found you enjoyed leaving more than you did settling in. Packing everything into correct places had always been such a bore, even at a young age. You remembered when you were eight, and moving in to your grandparents’ home in the outskirts of Denver. Was this really Denver? It was a small town, barely noticeable amongst the cluster of trees and ferns, but nonetheless peaceful, ‘perfect for a new place to start fresh’. Yeah, it only took around an hour and a half to get to school every-day, but don’t worry, it’s a fucking perfect place to live, aged eight, as an orphan. It took you around eleven months to finish emptying each box.

But four years ago, throwing everything into a backpack and into the boot of a car you nicked from down the road, it had been so easy. It was so easy to throw everything out and keep what you really needed. Easy to forget to pack a jacket you had been given for Christmas off an aunt you barely knew, easy to remember to pack all the knives out of the kitchen and the forbidden gun your grandfather used to hunt deer in the winter. It was rather symbolic- pretending people were deers as you shot them between the eyes.

“That everything?”

Namjoon stood, risen off the ground, his hand on the bar of the roof of the truck. Taehyung stepped down the plastic steps from the trailer, not bothering to lock the door, knowing nothing in there was of any value. At one point, the rainbow-glassed fruit bowl might have been of value, sentimental value or something. Now, it was worthless, with a lightning bolt crack down the middle.

“Yeah, good to go,” Taehyung replied, hovering when you climbed into the back to join Kyungmin. He waited, not knowing what for, only mildly embarrassed when you turned to see him staring. “You okay?”

You nodded once with a smile. “Mm. Are you?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I-”

Somehow, he hadn’t realised you shuffle to the open back doors to pull him in for a simple kiss. It was that quick and simple that he almost missed it. His eyes opened to the sight of you in front of him, your hands holding his face, rubbing the stubble around his jaw.

“You’re holding us all up, you know.”

“You’re holding me up,” he muttered, peeling your hands off his face and pressing a kiss to your knuckles, somehow finding the strength to let go and at the same time, make his way to the front of the truck. The whole vehicle shook as you pulled the back doors closed, submerging Kyungmin and yourself in familiar darkness.

“You got a map anywhere?” Taehyung fuddled in the glove compartment as Namjoon started the truck up. He pulled out a worn map, the same one you had used to direct the both of you out of Denver. Namjoon didn’t care for the quality, muttering a hasty thanks and peeling it open, staring at the lines and faded colours. “Keep heading East, as if we’re going to Georgia. Hopefully, we’ll catch Seokjin and his crew of fans on the way there.”

“And if we don’t?” Taehyung asked. When Namjoon fell silent, Taehyung’s lips pulled into a tight frown, “I’m just asking for the future. You’re not coming to Georgia. We’re going. I wanna know what our plan is before we put ourselves in danger in the middle of nowhere.”

Very aware of the compartment slider down, Namjoon found it was difficult to pick a solution that would best suit everybody. Kyungmin wanted to stay with Taehyung and yourself, forgetting Korea entirely and heading straight for the islands off the coast. Namjoon knew you wanted to go to Georgia with everybody, hoping to stick together as a four, but if there was no other option, you’d go to find a plane. Taehyung wanted to get to Georgia with you, but wouldn’t be opposed to finding Seokjin. As for himself, Namjoon wanted to take the jeep to Virginia, leaving Taehyung and yourself on the road.

Everybody made tough calls. Those words echoed in his head. Above all else, Kyungmin was his priority.

“I wanna take the jeep,” Namjoon said slowly, aware of the frowns, “but I can help find a vehicle for you and Y/N to use to get to Georgia. When that happens...we’ll go our separate ways. Half to Virginia. Half to Georgia. Fair, and square.”

Kyungmin fell with a thud and a sigh in the back of the jeep, and Namjoon did his best to ignore it.

“Alright,” Taehyung agreed, believing there was no other way around it. As long as you and him were safe, he didn’t care how it happened. “Whatever you say goes.”

14TH MARCH, 5 YEARS AGO.

Jiyong: i’ll be round at like 7:30ish. lost my weed bag and i’m a junkie and cant leave without it

Y/N: i hope it kills you

Jiyong: watch me actually die

Jiyong: don’t cry at my funeral you fake friend

Y/N: KIDDING!!!!

Y/N: is...seunghyun coming

Jiyong: fuck off

Jiyong: hes banned from seeing you

Jiyong: i cant believe my best friend is fucking my other best friend

Y/N: i like to call it woohooing and we’re being safe

Jiyong: i cant believe this is happening

Jiyong: why seunghyun?????? why not youngbae he treats women nice

Y/N: idk!!! we just hit it off a lot

Jiyong: you’ve known him for like 5 minutes

Y/N: it’s literally been like 5 years but whatever

Y/N: can’t you just be happy for me? i’m living life getting laid being happy n shit

Jiyong: i respect it but i’m not coming to urs expecting to have fun watching goblet of fire for the millionth time only for you to give seunghyun a sweaty bj right in front of me

Y/N: that was one time Let It Go

Jiyong: one day i’m gonna fucking die and you’ll realise how badly you treated me

Y/N: stop you’re my best friend :-(

Y/N: what are you like jealous that im banging him and not you???? wanna join

Jiyong: yeah i’d literally rather fuck the girl from the ring

Y/N: kinky

[03:45am]

Jiyong: woah did you hear about the north korea shit

Y/N: im literally being pounded into Cant this wait

Jiyong: we’re gonna die because kim jongun wants to nuke us and all you care about is seunghyun’s 3 inches

Y/N: it’s just fake news dont worry about it

Y/N: how many times has he threatened nuclear war

Y/N: he should hurry up and do it before exams

Jiyong: just wanted to check up on you because ur nan is fucking mental and she’ll probably collapse tomorrow morning and panic buy loaves of bread

Y/N: stop omg

Jiyong: anyways stay safe love U please bring me my weed tomorrow morning me and Jennie are gonna get high and try anal

Y/N: sweet thanks

SOMETIME LATER.

Leaving the world behind through the back windows of the jeep, you were oddly reminded of the time you left everybody behind during a Summer many years ago. It had been a spur of the moment decision, something you never expected to do, but found yourself doing anyway.

It felt like a lifetime ago; you had almost forgotten about it, until now, until seeing a sign graffitied with a smiley face, reminding you of the “GRIME SIGN” back in your hometown, renowned for being the most graffitied sign in the city. Whether or not that's true, you never really found out. Seunghyun and Jiyong had come along too, for the moral support of being alone on the road. With Jiyong in shotgun and Seunghyun in the backseat, it had felt like something slap-bang out of a teenage coming-of-age movie, titled “3 delinquents on the road to God knows where”, directed by Quentin Tarantino. You didn’t even know how to drive. It was pure bliss.

“Any luck with the radio?”

Kyungmin rattling the small radio that had been picked up from the trailer park startled you, the memory of driving nowhere and everywhere at the same time suddenly gone like the wind. As your vision readjusted to the dark, you noticed that Kyungmin was pressing all the buttons and turning all the dials, a frown on her lips jutted outwards.

“Not yet,” she replied. “Just give me a few more minutes, I can probably get this thing working.”

Namjoon let out a soft curse, swerving the truck slightly to move around a left behind Volvo, the cars open like wings with a dried trail of dragged blood leading into the thick forest. Things like that were common accessories, famed like tourist attractions. Namjoon now thought of what the world was really like- could Paris be any worse than America? What was Iceland like these days?

“Nearly there, now,” Namjoon said vaguely, and Taehyung debated whether or not to reply, if there was even anything to reply with at all. That’s how things went now, short replies or simply none at all. When the world died, so did words. Namjoon thought that was funny, how the collapse of society could mean the collapse of communication and language.

“We’ll need to stop for gas,” Taehyung said, his voice barely above a third volume. From the back of the van, you sat with your face looking out towards the left behind road, your eyelids growing heavy at the sound of Kyungmin pressing buttons, and the hum of the van beneath your thighs. “We’re running on fumes.”

Namjoon grumbled a reply, mentioning something about a gas station a couple miles ahead, near the clearing in the woods, just off the road. It didn’t take long to approach, only around ten minutes if Taehyung were to count. At least three songs had played since then. Taehyung couldn’t believe he was now counting using songs.

The station was large, decaying and it looked unsafe. Taehyung didn’t exactly care about the safety of the building itself, just caring about how safe it would be in the long-run. Safe enough to hide inside? Safe enough to step inside? Safety in architectural design didn’t matter anymore. If it looked rusted, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Namjoon pulled the truck into the station, immediately noticing a few canisters of fuel that was left for the purpose of using, a sign reading “STAY SAFE” stood up, stuck with black masking tape. The letters were dripping onto the concrete, a small pool of chalky white near the drain where a plant was starting to sprout.

“Are you feeling okay?”

Kyungmin’s voice made you look over from the canisters, a wrinkle between your brows. She smiled, generously, and waited for your reply. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She was talking about the Great Escape the other day. You already knew that.

“Just curious,” she replied, the smile never wavering. “There’s not many people left in the world, you know. Next to Namjoon, you and Taehyung are all I have.”

A silence fell on the two of you, and all you could hear was the sound of Taehyung dragging a barrel across the gas station, dipping his head underneath a broken window and scanning the interior of the gas station.

“I’m here for you,” Kyungmin continued, her voice significantly quieter. “You know that, right?”

“Of course I do,” you replied, and your hand came up to stroke her forearm, a smile on your lips. For a moment, it didn’t feel like the apocalypse. In that moment, it felt like two best friends, reunited after a Summer break, the pine trees isolating them from the world, a Studio Ghibli film, released 2019.

And yet Kyungmin moved away, her gaze lowered as she passed across the gas station to meet Namjoon, already lifting canisters of gas towards the car to refill. Taehyung had emerged once again, his bag refilled with cans and cigarette packets, surprisingly a bottle of liquor in his hands as he stepped back into the bitter wind. Inhaling a breath, Taehyung crossed the width of the station and opened the passenger door to the vehicle, setting down his bag and the bottle, as if they were small children.

“There’s no way we’re making it to Georgia on time.”

Taehyung paused, throwing you a look over his shoulder. “What?”

“Let’s think realistically,” you reasoned, tugging at the cloth over his elbow. Above all, you didn’t want Kyungmin to be upset if she overheard. “It’s been...how long? Since we left the warehouse? I haven’t exactly been keeping up with the dates, but it’s been too long, Tae. Normally, it takes less than 24 hours to get from where we are- wherever we are- to Georgia. And yet, we’re still not near. I’m just-” you sighed, raking your hands through your hair. In the dim light, the grease was visible. “I think we’re out of time.”

“Y/N, they’ll be there,” Taehyung said. He didn’t know what else to say, frowning, “I thought you wanted to remain optimistic?”

“I do, but I can’t afford to hope to get to Georgia and find them there. And what?” you continued. Your voice had raised slightly, not enough to make Kyungmin or Namjoon ask questions, but enough to make Taehyung’s nose cringe at the increase. “We get there, and find them. Is anything gonna be the same? What if we get there and they’re gone and there’s no boats? What if we get there and something happens to any one of us? Tae, I can’t have that on me. I can’t have that on my conscience. Not again.”

Not again. “Yena wasn’t your fault, Y/N, you have to know that-”

“I don’t fancy being out on the road all night.” Namjoon stepped into view from around the front of the van, his hands shoved into the pockets of his distressed jeans. “Thinking we keep driving, turn in when it gets dark to the first place we see.”

“Isn’t that a little risky?” Taehyung asked, mentally making a note to continue your conversation later. “I mean, we have to really check the place before we head in.”

Namjoon frowned. “I know that. But, Kyungmin’s feeling kinda travel sick, and I don’t wanna overdo it, you know? Nights like back at the trailer park...I want more of them.”

Already moving to the back of the van, you pulled open the double doors and slipped inside, keeping them open in time for Kyungmin to crawl in after you. Her skin was a shade of ivory, whiter than earlier, as if the sickness had come suddenly like a simulation glitch. Wasn’t that what you were now? A glitch? An error in coding.

Namjoon shut the drivers door, groaning at the loud sound.

“Hey, man, you okay to drive?” Taehyung asked quietly, looking over from shotgun. “Look, if you’re tired, we can switch the orders around.”

Namjoon looked over weakly- “You’re sure?”

Taehyung unbuckled his seatbelt, dumping his jacket in the footwell with a sniff of stuffy air. “I’d prefer if you slept if you’re tired. ‘Specially when they’re in the back. Don’t wanna hurt them.”

He made a sort of grunt as a reply, switching seats with the younger. When he was sat in the passenger seat instead of the drivers, he let his head lull back onto the windowpane, feeling the chilly glass cool the back of his head. It was as if resting his head had added extra weight to his eyes.

“‘m gonna drive straight-ish,” Taehyung said with his tongue between his lips, backing up the van slowly and carefully. Namjoon opened his eyes slightly, squinting.

“Can you drive?”

Taehyung changed gears. “Yes.”

If Namjoon noticed that Taehyung paused, he didn’t mention it. In-fact, he closed his eyes again with a shrug, a half wriggle, resting his forehead against the glass, pushing towards the cool touch.

Taehyung had been driving for hours, for sure.

The time in the van was unlikely to be reliable, reading 5:19pm when the sky was as black as squid ink, the dim street-lights that somehow worked- probably solar - beckoning the group forward. In honesty, Taehyung had no idea how long it had been since the gas station, just long enough to give him a crick in his neck, the back of his thighs numbed. All things considering, Taehyung thought he was getting better at driving.

He flinched slightly as the divider to the back came sliding down, and your face popped out slightly, peering out the front window with sleepy eyes. If he had a free hand, Taehyung would have wiped the sleep from the corner of your eye, and he turned back to the road, oddly afraid of crashing the car with all four of you inside. Like yourself, he didn’t want that on his conscience. Like yourself, he couldn’t have it on his conscience, not again.

“Are we stopping soon?” you asked quietly. Namjoon shifted, making it known he wasn’t sleeping. He groaned, grinding the heel of his palm into his eyes, unbothered when dust and dirt smudged on his skin when he pulled away. He could look worse, he thinks.

“Nearly,” Taehyung replied. “I don’t know where to go from here. Last road was blocked, so, I’m trying to get out of here.”

Namjoon shifted, cracking his shoulder loudly. “You tried any back-streets?”

Instantly, Taehyung thought of the woman earlier in his trip. The way she screamed at the car, scratching at the rusty paint job, her eyes bloodshot and her skin a lime colour. He gulped the hot lump in his throat, “I’d rather avoid them.”

“It’s safer,” Namjoon continued. “Out of the way-”

Somewhere outside of the van, there was a loud crash, similar to the way you sound when you drop something at midnight when your parents are sleeping. The volume was loud, louder than anticipated, and Taehyung unintentionally stalled the van. Kyungmin jeered forward, hitting the underneath of her chin on the seats opposite, sending out a string of foreign curses to Taehyung in the driver's seat. He avoided the stare of Namjoon, deciding he didn’t want to see the deathly glare.

“What the hell was that?” you asked, cradling a throbbing pain on the side of your face after catching it on the separation between front and back. “Is someone here?”

Namjoon stayed silent for a moment, staring darkly into the outside. Taehyung didn’t know what to do except wait, ready to jump into action when Namjoon made a noise of surprise- or was it shock?- and slapped Taehyung’s hand with great panic, “Fucking pull up somewhere. Turn off those fucking lights. Fuck, fuck, fuck-”

“Jesus,” Taehyung cursed, doing exactly that as you leaned back to switch off the lights, submerging Kyungmin into darkness as the blood pooled in her mouth from earlier. She groaned something between her lips, holding her chin with her left hand as she picked herself up to lean over into the front, staring out at what Namjoon was watching across the small street. With the van now in darkness, away from the streetlight, you were invisible.

It wasn’t hard, locating the source of Namjoon’s panic.

Across the street, a flood of artificial white engulfed the street, barely missing the pull-in that Taehyung had moved into moments earlier. Namjoon slouched out of instinct, keeping his eyes on the road as he noticed three people dashing out into the darkness, the explosive lights following them as if they were automatic. They probably were, turning on as they stepped further and further away from the door they ran from. As they hurried past the hidden van, another noise pulled away your attention.

A large garage door screamed as it opened, in desperate need of oil, chains clattering against the metal interior. The light suddenly changed to an eerie green, something you saw in documentaries about weed farms. As it slid further up into the building, Namjoon hitched a breath as the sight of three sets of human legs came into view, dressed in stunning ebony, large guns by their hips. One of them smoked a cigarette, the smoke rising up like old Native smoke-signals. The middle guy pulled up his mask, covering his nose and lower face, and loaded the large Heckler Koch HK MG4 MG 43, aiming it swiftly at the little piggies running away from the slaughterhouse.

Taehyung knew that gun- the Heckler Koch never missed a target. He barely flinched when the gunman hit the kneepits of the runners, sending them to the ground instantly, their bodies buckling under the loss of legs. The screams were loud. Mama has the bacon, now.

The other two gunmen laughed loudly, approaching the pigs and picking them up to drag them back into the garage, a trail of blood marking the concrete like paint. He said something, the main gunner, and the two spares were taken away, possibly to die, maybe to a waiting room where they would await their death, as casually as they would waiting for a doctor’s appointment. The last runner, a man who looked to be in his mid-thirties, with already greying hair at the top, was pulled to the side of the room where three more men emerged, a woman amongst the pack with her hair sprawled out to her elbows, in mermaid curls. She was gorgeous, nobody could argue against that, with her body in a glamorous dress, something too glamorous for the apocalypse. On her feet, heels that presented her perfectly painted toes, a peachy shade.

“What’s happening?” Kyungmin asked. It was rhetoric. Everybody knew the answer.

The woman dressed in glam approached the slumped body of the runner, crouching to cup his face and stroke a thumb across the bags under his eyes, bleeding out with veins a bright red, the red of a freshly picked apple, the red line under a spelling error. She closed her eyes and leaned forward, putting her thumb over his lips and kissing her nail, before retreating and nodding curtly at the men around her. It was a signal, for they picked up the runner and began to tear off his clothes, leaving him stark naked, covered in purple bruises, tiny flowers on his skin.

Taehyung had seen things like this before- he was no stranger to the way the men beat the man with clubs and their boots, laughing at the way he retreated into his own skin, recoiling at every kick and screaming with every sickening club, until he accepted the fact that his body was their plaything. He watched, in morbid wonder, as they dragged him by his swollen balls to the center of the room, where a sharpened hook hanging from a chain off the ceiling swung threateningly, a bone being wagged in the face of a dog. The man whimpered, his eyes hurting, only barely making out his destination before his body shook violently.

The man picked him up as if he was a sack of sugar, with one hand around his neck, promptly planting him on the hook as if it were a throne. Now Taehyung had to close his eyes.

It was curling upwards, sharply, scraping every wall and nerve and good spot that ached. Yet, the men watched with wonder and satisfaction, clapping when he thrashed like a fish out of water. His legs were immobile, moving inches and with every movement came a grunt of pain, flashed with panic and agony from his rather pointy throne, and then the passing pain of his arm being cracked upwards.

The crack was loud.

From behind him, Taehyung heard Kyungmin make a small wheeze, hurrying into the back of the van, where Taehyung watched you pick her head up off the seats, your thumbs in a pool of vomit around her mouth. You didn’t even care about the sick on her knees, or the smell in your nose. Namjoon looked through the slot, dragging the divider up before the sound of retching made him sick, too.

You stopped listening to the retching, quietly shushing each whimper as Taehyung slowly started the van back up, grateful that he was covered by the sound of someone screaming in fucking agony. It felt so wrong, to be thankful of a tortured man. Cock and all, Taehyung was thankful he was screaming. The tyres of the van slowly rolled along the road, in the shadows, at a sluggish pace. Namjoon wiped away a line of sweat on his forehead, unable to look away from the man, thrashing like a pig, hanging like a sack of meat in a slaughterhouse, blood pooling now at the corner of his mouth, his eyes, his nose, dried blood at his ears.

It felt shit to feel thankful of someone’s screaming. Mostly, Taehyung was happy it was them and not him.

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btsybrkr · 4 years

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What A Time To Be At Home!: The Best And Worst Coronacontent The Internet Has To Offer

Remember that joke that’s been around for ages, but was being told literally everywhere back in 2019? The one that went something like, “I hate it when people ask me where I’ll be in a year’s time - I don’t have 2020 vision!”?

Well, I bloody wish someone did.

In fact, in early January, I wrote out my own predictions for the decade ahead right here on my blog. They were obviously entirely hypothetical and - I thought - ridiculous. They were just a series of daft ideas that I thought I could take the piss out of, in the hope that people might read it and take a second out of their day to do an amused little nose exhale for me. But now, even the post-apocalyptic TV show ideas I pitched in that piece seem less ‘far-off dystopian chaos’, and more like they could be pleasant additions to the BBC Summer schedule.

The world is in the throes of a global pandemic, the likes of which haven’t been seen since… I don’t know, The Black Plague, maybe? As a result of that, the instructions have been clear: stay home, save lives.

At first, the thought of being given a period of Government-sanctioned laziness seemed like a dream to many. We could write our autobiographies! Learn Klingon! Build ourselves a whole new house! But six weeks in, it appears to have started messing with the collective consciousness of the human race. Brains are fried, your Weekly Screen Time is up 103%, stomachs are full to the brim with banana bread and dalgona coffee, and certain celebrities’ egos are in a fight to the death with their common sense. In a time when we’re all supposedly doing nothing, there’s still so much going on.

With that in mind, I thought we could recognise some of the things we’ve seen online that have kept us talking in lockdown, not just because of Coronavirus, but in spite of it.

Welcome to the first (but hopefully not annual) What A Time To Be At Home! awards. The WATTBAH!’s, if you like.

The ‘Why On Earth Did You Think This Was A Good Idea?’ Award

Over the last few weeks, we’ve seen a sizable handful of blunders by the rich and famous that have, at worst, knocked them down a fair few places in our estimations and, at best, have left us scratching our heads, wondering what response they were expecting in the first place.

With that in mind, it’s only right that this title goes to the original celebrity lockdown mistake: Gal Gadot’s ill-advised acapella cover of Imagine, featuring a variety of different Hollywood stars - not one of whom had the foresight to ask “are you sure this doesn’t make us look like complete arseholes?”, which, unfortunately, it absolutely does.

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Between the bizarre and insincere ‘I have a dream’-style speech at the beginning, the boldness of some of those featured to be quite clearly just taking the piss, and the fact everyone appears to be singing ever-so-slightly below the note without ever actually hitting it for the entirety of the song, this was tone-deaf in more ways than one. It’s even worse when you realise that this was posted less than one week into the lockdown, but then what would I know? Maybe madness sets in faster in multi-million dollar mansions. Probably because it echoes louder and bounces off the walls of your massive living room.

The ‘I Had To Suffer Through This, So You Do, Too’ Award

This award recognises content we’ve been witness to over the last few weeks that was so awful, so completely uncomfortable to watch, that after you’d gotten over the initial disbelief at what you’d just seen, you immediately had to send it to somebody you know, so that you can suffer through it together.

Despite how many celebrity lockdown moments have left me with my head in my hands over the last few weeks, this award could only go to a very recent contender - one which isn’t simply an embarrassing piece of celebrity lockdown content, but will likely haunt the inner corners of my brain long after this virus is simply a topic taught about in GCSE History lessons of the future.

I am, of course, talking about Olly Murs. I’m talking about Pringlegate. I’m talking about Olly Murs removing the bottom of a can of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles to trick his own girlfriend into touching his penis. On video, on TikTok.

Twitter: @buckyw1ng

There’s something inherently quite chilling about Pringlegate. It might be something to do with the 10,000 watt grin on Olly’s face as we watch him carefully maneuver a tin opener around the bottom of the can, or perhaps it’s just the question of how long he’d been sat there holding it around his naked penis as he and his girlfriend watched a film, patiently waiting for the moment to strike. Perhaps it’s the way the video freezes as she reaches over for a Pringle, allowing time for Olly Murs’ to add in an audio clip of himself, shouting “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND”.

Maybe it’s the uncontrollable show of amusement he launches into as she snatches her hand back in shock, laughing away, heartily, as if to say “Ha! You thought it was a normal can of Pringles, but it was actually my PENIS covered in Pringles crumbs! You just got PUNKED!”, like it was all simply a clever ruse.

Above all else, I think the most uncomfortable thing about it is that I can’t help but feel like all bets are off in 2020, and that this is a fairly tame warm-up for things to come.

So, Olly Murs, you are inarguably the rightful winner of the ‘I Had To Suffer Through This, So You Do, Too’ award. Congratulations! Don’t do it again, yeah?

The ‘Are You Actually Aware Of These Words Coming Out Of Your Mouth?’ Award

I’ve said some stupid things since this lockdown started. Personally, I put it down to the lack of social interaction, which I think might be frying my brain a little bit, or at least that’s what the ornament of a turkey that sits on my kitchen windowsill told me the other day. However, I don’t think I or anybody I know has said anything even one fraction-of-an-iota as void of intelligent thought as Vanessa Hudgens’ terrible opinions on social distancing, shared in a now-infamous Instagram live last month.

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“It’s a virus,” she clarified, helpfully, before going on to explain, “I get it. I respect it.”

I’m sure your respect means the world to it, Vanessa, but do you ‘get’ it?

“But even if everybody gets it, like… yeah… people are gonna die,” she explains, in a tone so chirpy that the word ‘die’ might as well be replaced by the phrase ‘have such a bloody lovely old time’, “which is terrible, but, like… inevitable?”

In all fairness, death is inevitable, but I don’t know if suggesting speeding up that process for thousands of people because you were disappointed that Coachella was cancelled is an equally logical take.

After a brief - and probably quite profound - moment of self-reflection, she laughs “I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now”. Oh, you think? Which bit? Just holding these insane ideas, or actually broadcasting them to your 39.1 million Instagram followers?

She did post a video the day after, clarifying that - despite what she said - she is staying at home, and is urging others to do the same. I guess she does respect the virus after all. Now, if everyone could hurry up, catch it and die from it, so that she can go to Coachella 2021, Vanessa Hudgens might respect you, too.

I guess We’re All In This Together, after all.

The Show Of Support Award

I’ve already talked a lot about the rich and famous here, so maybe it’s time to take a break from that madness - although, I get it, I respect it - and have a look at how the rest of our lives look at the moment.

One weekly occurrence that seems to be set to stick around is the weekly round of applause for the NHS. Whilst it’s nothing short of blood-boilingly annoying seeing Boris Johnson absent-mindedly clapping in celebration of a service that he recently admitted he hadn’t even noticed the strain on until he, himself, nearly died of the virus, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the rest of us getting involved. If anything, it’s heart-warming to see the videos of NHS staff being applauded by neighbours as they leave for work, and to hear the cheers echoing through the streets at 8pm every Thursday. There’s a lot of people being quite cynical about it. We obviously know it’s not going to stop Coronavirus in its tracks, but sometimes it’s just nice to be nice, alright?

One thing I’ve noticed recently is how many people have adopted different noise-making strategies, possibly in an effort to effectively boost their support by a factor of 300%. Banging pots and pans together appears to be the most popular, but the winner of this award saw your pots and pans and said “how sweet”, before showing us how it’s really done.

I present to you, a genius. The ultimate hype-man.

Twitter: “a deeply disturbed national psyche” - @willuminare

There’s something so chaotic and angry about the energy in this video, just one man, a cricket bat, and a wheelie bin, banging away to show his gratitude. Just living in the moment. I wish the neighbour who’d captured it on camera had caught more of it, or at least just enough to edit the footage with Electric Youth’s soaring synth anthem ‘A Real Hero’ from the soundtrack of the movie Drive against it.

I’ve been trying to learn to play the keytar in lockdown, to near enough no avail. Maybe at 8pm next Thursday, I’ll just take it outside and smash it against the pavement. You know, for the NHS.

Honourable Mentions: The Very Best In Coronacontent

It’s not all been so questionable - there’s been a lot of uplifting, funny, positive and thoughtful things shared online over the past few weeks. John Krasinski’s YouTube series Some Good News has provided a much-appreciated contrast from the bleakness of traditional current affairs programmes. There’s five weeks worth of episodes on his YouTube channel at the moment, so I would definitely recommend checking it out, especially if you feel like you need a lift!

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Over on Twitter, there’s been a lot to laugh about, as ‘front camera comedians’ are well and truly in their element (my personal favourite recently has been Alistair Green), as well as plenty of other users who are utilising their free time to create some brilliant stuff - this six-part opera based on a 2007 Facebook argument by Archie Henderson is genuinely one of the funniest things I’ve seen in weeks.

Twitter: “I made a six-act opera out of a conversation between some 14 year olds on my Facebook from 2007″ - @jazzemu_

All in all, these are obviously bizarre times that we’re living in. We don’t know how many more weeks of lockdown we’re going to have, when we’ll get back to normal, or even if ‘normal’ will mean something completely different from now on.

What we do know is that the internet, and everyone on it - whoever they are or whatever they’re saying - will continue to surprise us, inform us, entertain us, provide a place for our quizzes and conversations, and keep us together in some sense, when we have no choice but to be apart.

Thanks to anyone who’s read this far. I hope that you and your friends and families are keeping well, and that you took even a slight shred of lockdown enjoyment from even one thing I’ve said over the past couple thousand words!

Finally, before I go, I thought we might share a little song. It goes like this:

Imagine there’s no heaven....

if you like, can follow me on twitter here or instagram here :-)

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firesidefantasy · 5 years

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so last night i realised i had almost hit 500 posts on this account. and then i had the brilliant, genius idea to make a post with 500 facts about monster house for my 500th post.

this was not a genius idea in any way shape or form.

i am not a genius.

but i did it anyway, so now i present to you:

five-hundred-fucking-facts about monster house

enjoy.

KENZI

1) Kenzi was abandoned as a baby 2) She was adopted by Monster House 3) She does not know when her birthday is 4) Her best friend growing up was Toby 5) Kenzi thought she was a vampire when she was a kid 6) She went around biting people’s necks for weeks 7) Kenzi loves photography, Instagram, and modelling 8) She has ran four marathons and six 10ks 9) She has been dying her hair since she was 14 10) Kenzi’s favourite chocolate brand is Cadbury’s 11) She loves cooking and hosting parties 12) She hates being human and wishes she was a monster too 13) She is almost fluent in French 14) Kenzi has no idea what she wants to be when she’s older 15) She never wants to leave Monster House 16) Kenzi is always chewing gum

HARLOW 17) Harlow dyes her hair black 18) She plays drums because her dad told her it was for boys 19) She plays basketball because her dad told her it was for boys 20) Her mum died three years ago and Harlow has never got over it 21) She lives with her dad, their relationship is recovering 22) Harlow won’t leave the house without a beanie 23) She loves video games like overwatch and call of duty 24) She is absolutely shit at video games 25) Doritos are her favourite snack 26) Harlow has lost count of how many cousins she has 27) If she could be any monster, she’d be a vampire 28) She’s in a college band called ‘4am’ 29) They’ve played three actual gigs so far 30) Harlow wants to be in a famous band 31) Harlow does NOT want to ever get a real job 32) She writes a lot of songs 33) Nobody will ever see these songs 34) She hates the beach 35) The only thing she hates more than the beach is spelling errors 36) She also hates vegetables and weather over 20 degrees C 37) She loves the sound of rain and thunder 38) She hoards TV boxsets and prefers them over Netflix 39) She loves antique stores and charity shops 40) She has an impressive vinyl collection

TOBY 41) Toby is bisexual but prefers guy 42) He’s known he was bisexual since discovering Tom Holland 43) His favourite superhero is Iron Man 44) Spider man is a close second 45) Toby wanted to be a superhero when he was a kid 46) Now he wants to be a super villain (#edgyteen) 47) He’s enrolled in school part time 48) Avoiding sunlight makes school difficult 49) The kids at school joke that he’s a vampire because of this 50) They don’t know why that’s so funny 51) He plays bass guitar but never lets anyone else listen 52) Except Matty. Sometimes he joins in with the ‘drums’ 53) Toby loves going to the skate park at night 54) He once wrote a 500 word essay on why the moon is better than the sun 55) He knows every constellation and loves stargazing 56) He loves sitting on his dad’s balcony and watching the stars 57) Toby doesn’t know who his mum is 58) Metal and rock music is his favourite 59) He chews on his finger to satisfy his desire to bite things 60) Sometimes he’s tempted to see if he could bite his finger off 61) He never has 62) Toby loves tomato ketchup 63) Immortality intimidates him 64) He only wears band tee shirts 65) He starts wearing beanies everywhere after meeting Harlow 66) Toby idolises Harlow 67) His favourite food is pancakes with chocolate sauce 68) Kenzi makes him pancakes to apologise after they fight 69) Toby buys her bars of chocolate to apologise 70) Kenzi and Toby bicker a lot 71) They are also best friends 72) Toby’s favourite period of history is the Roman emperors 73) Caligula was his favourite emperor 74) Toby almost turned Kenzi when they were 14 75) He despises pop music 76) Kenzi and Toby fight over nothing more often than pop music 77) Custard makes him want to throw up

KAI 78) Kai has six older sisters 79) He is one of two guys in the witches coven 80) He speaks French and Italian (almost) fluently 81) He volunteers at the local animal shelter 82) He does not get along with his family 83) Kai tries to fit in but he isn’t very good at it 84) He gets very upset if his hair doesn’t look right 85) He struggles with dysphoria but his parents won’t let him get T 86) Kai loves doing jigsaws and watching reality shows 87) He listens to music to drown out his parents arguments 88) His oldest sister Natalia is his favourite 89) She cut his hair and bought him guys clothes after he came out 90) Natalia plays board games with him and helps with homework 91) Kai loves baking - especially banana bread 92) He hates bananas but could eat banana bread all day 93) Being a witch is hard and he’s really really bad at it 94) Kai once turned a dining room chair into a frog 95) He also turned his mother’s earrings into a donkey 96) They never let him keep the animals 97) Pop music and indie rock are his favourites 98) Kai is scared of the dark 99) Science and maths make no sense to him 100) He plans on leaving the witches coven when he’s 18

PHILLIP 101) Philip is a history professor at Seabrooke University 102) He was born in 1893 under the reign of Queen Victoria 103) He campaigned with the suffragettes - and even broke a window once 104) He is a hardcore liberal and despises the conservative party 105) He attended the 1908 summer Olympics held in London 106) He once had a fling with a maid of George V’s 107) Phillip had entered a competition to be on the titanic 108) He was an engineer during world war 2 109) His nose was broken at a protest for women to be given degrees 110) Phillip has been married three times 111) The first died, the second left him for another man 112) The third was a Vegas marriage about 30 years prior 113) Phillip is straight - but he’s experimented extensively in the past 114) He does the newspaper crossword puzzle every morning 115) He bans TV until after 3pm 116) Phillip moved to Monster House in the 70’s 117) He despises the movie ‘Twilight’ above all else 118) He is the one who decided to adopt Kenzi 119) Phillip is essentially in charge of Monster House 120) He adores barbecues with his family 121) He hates Russia, incorrect grammar, and coffee

MATTY 122) Toby brought a stray dog in one day 123) The next morning, a toddler was asleep in their living room 124) Phillip decided to keep him 125) His hobbies include chewing people’s shoes and phone chargers 126) He has broken exactly seven bones 127) There is no soul clumsier than Matty 128) His face is full of freckles and his cheeks are always red 129) He runs everywhere 130) He wants to be a footballer or an astronaut when he’s older 131) Matty breaks Phillip’s morning TV ban so he can watch cartoons 132) His favourite game is fetch 133) Toby created a machine for him that throws a ball over and over 134) Matty hates it - he likes playing with an actual person 135) His wolf form is small, fluffy and a little too blonde 136) Phillip has been assured that he will get less blonde as he grows up 137) Toby once tried to enter him in a dog competition 138) They won £20 and bought the biggest ice creams they could 139) Matty loves porridge almost as much as he loves shoes and Toby 140) He has an imaginary friend called Boris who he blames for everything

CALLIE 141) Callie is half fae and half human 142) Her full name is Calypso, but everybody calls her Callie 143) She cannot tell lies, but is excellent at talking around the truth 144) She’s introverted and shy - but also amazing at public speaking 145) She wants to be a legal aid barrister 146) Her hair is naturally brown but she dyes it red 147) She plays acoustic guitar in 4am - the same band as Harlow 148) Her roommate is a werewolf but she doesn’t know about it yet 149) She has travelled to France and Italy 150) But she wants to travel the world 151) Her bedroom walls are covered in maps 152) She has an emergency supply of snacks in a room at all times 153) Her biggest dream is to have her own library room once day 154) With a secret bookshelf door, of course 155) Her lava lamp and beanbags are her prized possessions 156) She does not have a good relationship with her parents 157) She struggles with insomnia and rarely sleeps 158) Coffee is her one true love 159) She adores long car rides and she adores driving 160) She works part time at a coffee shop 161) Her car is her other prized possession 162) Callie can devour bags of skittles in an instant 163) She forgets everything in her personal life 164) And remembers everything in her academic life 165) She loves fire and will sit and stare at it for hours 166) Sometimes she goes to the local aquarium to study 167) Change is her worst enemy - everything needs to be consistent 168) She has been a straight A student all her life 169) She goes for a long walk every Saturday afternoon 170) Callie writes songs when she’s feeling bad

MILO 171) Hiding antlers in public is the bane of his existence 172) He is part of a group who want to tell humans about monsters 173) Milo does not particularly like humans 174) He has curly blonde hair that is usually a mess 175) One of his eyes is darker blue than the other 176) He loves blanket forts and fairy lights and hot chocolate 177) He has a part time job delivering pizzas 178) This means he gets a discount on pizzas, which he takes advantage of 179) Percy Jackson is the main reason he’s doing a classics degree 180) He enjoys writing fantasy books in his free time 181) He is reasonably fluent in Ancient Greek and Latin 182) ‘Out of Bounds’ signs are a welcoming invitation to Milo 183) He will explore everything and anything 184) Milo wants to travel to South America the most 185) He has two mums 186) They both adore Callie 187) He goes rock climbing in his free time 188) This is so he can climb trees, fences, and monuments better 189) He claims he’s climbed several mountains 190) Callie does not believe this claim 191) He was not raised in Seabrooke and had few monster friends as a kid 192) Milo is a nymph 193) His father is one of his mother’s best friends - also a nymph 194) His ‘father’ taught him to garden and to bake 195) Milo never called him dad - he was always Uncle Barney 196) He loves growing his own flowers 197) Nymph magic allows him to grow the most beautiful plants and flowers 198) It also allows him to bake exceptional cakes and cookies 199) He adores his younger brother and sister 200) He is double jointed and left handed

KENZI AND HARLOW 201) Making out is their favourite pastime 202) Harlow spends most of her free time at Monster House 203) They enjoy joking about how ‘platonic’ their relationship is 204) Kenzi loves cooking for Harlow 205) They spend a lot of time watching TV shows together 206) Stranger Things and Friends were their last binge-watches 207) Harlow is always invited round for Friday Board Game Night 208) Kenzi constantly steals Harlow’s clothes 209) Harlow loves playing with Kenzi’s hair 210) Harlow loves holding Kenzi’s hand 211) Harlow just loves touching Kenzi as much as possible 212) They both have a years pass to the local petting zoo 213) Kenzi goes to all of Harlow’s band gigs and basketball games 214) She wants to set up a cheer leading squad for the basketball team 215) Harlow just wants to see Kenzi in a cheerleader costume 216) Harlow asked Kenzi to be her girlfriend 217) Kenzi said I love you first 218) They’re planning on getting an apartment together after graduating 219) Also a dog 220) Harlow adores getting Kenzi to play (and fail at) video games 221) Kenzi is a massive flirt - Harlow does not appreciate it 222) Harlow once stabbed Kenzi on the hand whilst cooking together 223) Kenzi and Harlow do not cook together 224) They bicker a lot 225) But Harlow adores Kenzi more than anything else, and vice versa

TOBY AND KAI 226) Toby only got the guts to ask Kai out because his dad made him 227) They are polar opposites in just about every way 228) Toby didn’t know what being transgender meant before meeting Kai 229) Toby calls Kai ‘sunshine’ 230) Kai calls Toby ‘grumpy guts’ for the most part 231) They fall asleep on the phone together a lot 232) They also fall asleep in the same bed a lot 232) Kai’s parents do not like vampires so they don’t know about Toby 233) They met through the Monster House toddler group when they were kids 234) They both went to the Monster House study group as kids/teenagers 234) Nowadays, they ‘study’ in Toby’s room instead 235) Kai drove Toby mad up until very recently 236) It wasn’t exactly love at first site 237) Toby threw up on Kai - the hatred only grew from there 238) Over time, Toby developed a soft spot for Kai 239) Nowadays, Kai still drives him crazy, but in a good sorta way 240) They have every intention of moving in together after school ends 241) Kai has a drawer of clothes at Toby’s place 242) Toby has punched six people in defence of Kai 243) One was an eleven year old. He has no regrets 244) Toby frequently takes Kai stargazing 245) Toby also taught him how to skate 246) Kai speaks French to Toby and he loves it 247) Sometimes Kai takes Toby to volunteer at the animal shelter with him 248) Their biggest fights are over pop music and science 249) They plan on getting a turtle when they move in together 250) Kai loves sitting on Toby’s lap 251) He also loves stealing his sweaters 252) He also loves fixing his hair 253) He frequently picks flowers for Toby and spends hours arranging them 254) Kai also loves falling asleep on Toby 255) Toby kisses Kai’s cheek a lot 256) Toby adores Kai, but he rarely admits to it 257) He took Kai to a Troye Sivan concert in February 2019 258) Kai sends Toby selfies a lot throughout the day 259) Toby saves every single one to his phone - but won’t admit to it 260) Toby’s dad r e a l l y wants him to marry Kai

CALLIE AND MILO 261) They met when they were both searching an abandoned church 262) They thought the other was a ghost 263) For the longest time, Callie was ‘ghost girl’ in Milo’s phone 264) Their first date was in Starbucks 265) But they tell people it was back in that abandoned church 266) They are both too terrified to ever go back to that church 267) They have plants to travel the world together 268) Callie’s phone background is Milo and his messy bed head 269) Milo’s background is Callie in one of his sweaters 270) Callie hoards Milo’s sweaters 271) Milo practically lives at Callie’s apartment so he doesn’t mind 272) Callie only really sleeps when she’s with Milo 273) Milo likes playing with her hair while she reads out loud 274) The sound of her voice calms his anxiety 275) Callie frequently plays guitar and sings for Milo 276) He considers himself her number one fan 277) Callie likes listening to him ramble about history and classics 278) She often falls asleep while he talks - he never seems to notice 279) Callie drives Milo everywhere 280) Milo always makes the best road trip playlists and snacks 281) Milo’s mum’s adore Callie 282) They go for family dinner every other Sunday 283) They are going to Greece together over the summer holidays 284) Their opinions on monster politics differ wildly 285) Callie enjoys teaching Milo how to play guitar 286) Milo grows his own flowers to give Callie 287) He also enjoys cooking for her 288) Sometimes he brings her breakfast in bed 289) He usually gets a blowjob in exchange for this 290) They make a game out of fucking in as many places as they can 291) This has included: the grocery store, a church, the forest 292) Milo’s parents frequently bring up marriage 293) They’re both quite content with how things are 294) One day, they’d both like a small wedding in Europe somewhere 295) Zoos, petting farms, and aquariums are their favourite dates 296) Milo is basically Callie’s pillow 297) Callie writes songs for Milo 298) Her parents do not approve of her dating a Nymph 299) Callie’s roommates adore Milo and love that he basically lives there 300) They fight about how much wardrobe space Milo takes up frequently

BACKGROUND CHARACTERS 301) Callie’s roommate is a werewolf 302) She doesn’t know that Callie isn’t human and vice versa 303) Werewolf roommate (Arya)’s family is originally from India 304) Arya loves escape rooms 305) Callie loves petting Arya in wolf form 306) Milo is the only one who questions why there’s a wolf in the kitchen 307) But Milo still feeds Arya-in-wolf-form blueberry muffins 308) Bruce the Minotaur has lived in Monster House forever 309) Nobody really knows where or when Bruce came from 310) He has a very distinctive Greek accent 311) Bruce makes the best waffles 312) And he knits a damn good scarf and woolly socks 313) Which is incidentally what everybody gets for their birthday 314) Sheryl the Siren is like a crazy aunt to the kids in Monster House 315) She auditioned for X Factor once - she didn’t get in 316) Her vocal inspirations are beyonce and mariah carey 317) Sheryl is married to Mary-Anne the Mermaid 318) Mary-Anne lives in the coves behind Monster House 319) Sheryl loves singing for Mary-Anne 320) Maybe it’s the water-clogged ears, but Mary-Anne enjoys the singing 321) They had a beautiful beach wedding twelve years ago 322) Kenzi was a flower girl, Toby was a page boy 323) There is a ghost living in the attic of Monster House 324) It never seems to come out 325) Bruce sits outside the attic door each night to keep it company 326) Sometimes it likes to play drums with pots and pans 327) Nobody really has a name - it’s just ‘the ghost in the attic’ 328) They leave cookies for it at Christmas - they always get eaten 329) Sometimes Matty gets there first 330) Grace the Gorgon is an interior designer 331) She wears a veil-like head cover to hide the snake hair 332) Most humans just assume the head cover/snake hair is a new trend 333) Grace constantly redecorates Monster House 334) The house usually puts everything back overnight 335) Monster House does not like change 336) Grace is a wanted felon for the murder of a man named Perseus 337) Humans seem to be destined to forever walk past Monster House 338) Thus, Grace has never been caught 339) It is rumoured that she was once called Penelope 340) Nobody quite knows what Perseus did to warrant murder 341) Nobody quite trusts Grace with a knife, either

SEABROOKE 342) Seabrooke is a small, sleepy seaside town in southern England 343) It is the suburban hot spot for Monster life 344) Seabrooke has a population of 4,500 345) Around 250 of these are monsters 346) For some reason, Seabrooke has it’s own university 347) Nobody really knows why - it’s possible Phillip had a role in this 348) Seabrooke has two primary schools, a secondary, and a sixth form 349) It gets a lot of tourists during the summer 350) Everybody hates the tourists - especially Monsters

WITCHES COVEN 351) When Bruce the Minotaur gets sick - he can’t be taken to the doctors 352) The Witches Coven is the main place Monsters go when they’re sick 353) Witches are difficult creatures and the Coven are no different 354) If you get on their bad side, they’ll refuse you service 355) The Witches Coven therefore practically run the town 356) There are three families that make up the Coven 357) Admittance is only to witches with the blood of prestigious families 358) Kai is part of the Witches Coven 359) Kai’s family practically runs the Witches Coven 360) There is a lot of tension between the Witches and Phillip 361) Largely because they both have a lot of influence over Seabrooke 362) Regardless, Phillip still genuinely likes Kai 363) The Witches tend to be high maintenance and spoilt 364) The parents are like the worst white suburban soccer mums ever 365) Regardless, they are excellent at healing magic 366) But also excellent at ruining your life 367) They have definitely killed a few monsters - but it cannot be proved

LOCAL NEWSPAPER 368) The Daily Seabrooke is ran by shapeshifters 369) Nobody remembers when the TDS was started 370) Philip adores it for the crosswords 371) Apparently the crosswords are ‘out of this world’ 372) TDS is ran by a group of crazy looking students 373) Of course, they’re shapeshifters, so they’re probably all 1000+ 374) The shapeshifters behind TDS don’t mingle with other monsters 375) At least not as themselves 376) They report on human politics and news as well 377) Only monsters are sold the copies with monster news included 378) Half of TDS is gossip about the people in Seabrooke 379) Nobody is really safe from their snooping 380) Their methods include being a literal fly on the wall 381) Most breakups, Witches Coven drama, and Vamp/Wolf fights are put in 382) TDS is extremely controversial amongst Monsters in Seabrooke 383) Kenzi thinks it’s fucking hilarious

SEABROOKE UNIVERSITY 384) The University is crawling with monster life 385) Several professors are monsters 386) Most notably are Phillip and Steven 387) Phillip teaches Modern History 388) Steven teaches Medieval History 389) Phillip is a Vampire, Steven is a Werewolf 390) They have a competition for who gets History Professor Of The Year 391) This competition frequently gets out of hand 392) Everybody knows about their rivalry, few knows why 393) Nobody knows how long the two have worked there - most say forever 394) That wouldn’t be far from the truth 395) Steven happens to be Arya (Callie’s Roommate)’s father

MONSTER HOUSE 396) Monster House is practically alive 397) It constantly expands and shrinks 398) There are always exactly as many rooms as are necessary 399) Only the first floor can be seen by passersby 400) And they often walk straight past it 401) Ordering pizza is a nightmare 402) It’s like the human brain cannot comprehend where it is 403) Even though it’s in an incredibly obvious location 404) When they do see it, they see only a normal house 405) The construction of the house makes no sense 406) There are rooms hanging over nothing and stairs leading to nowhere 407) Sometimes bedrooms move and finding them is a nightmare 408) The living room and kitchen like to switch places 409) On Monday’s the kitchen is green and nobody knows why 410) It is black and white the rest of the time 411) It is almost impossible to paint or decorate Monster House 412) It prefers to do that itself 413) Somehow the bedrooms always look exactly how they are wanted 414) At least they save on paint - that shit is expensive 415) Unfortunately, Monster House doesn’t clean itself 416) Toby has registered several complaints about this

LULU 417) Lulu’s full name is Lucifer 418) It has been living in the basement since the beginning 419) It has only been seen by four people 420) Phillip and Kenzi are two of those 421) They call it Lulu because Kenzi couldn’t pronounce Lucifer as a kid 422) The nickname kinda stuck 423) Lulu gets fed raw fish every morning 424) They just dump a bucket full down the hatch in the kitchen 425) Sometimes Toby threatens to feed Matty to Lulu 426) This causes Matty to have nightmares and sleep in Toby’s bed 427) So that one kinda backfired on Toby 428) Nobody actually knows what kind of creature Lulu is

MISC. FACTS 429) Harlow’s favourite song is ‘Lights Down Low’ by Max 430) Seabrooke is not on any map - nobody knows why 431) I really regret this 432) Never ever try to write 500 facts it will not be fun 433) Callie’s favourite kind of law is criminal law 434) Particularly fatal offences 435) She also likes land law because she’s fucking weird 436) Kai got into reality TV because of his sisters 437) One of the arcades in Seabrooke is monster themed 438) Toby works there on Saturdays - always taking the night shifts 439) Kai really wants to own his own bakery one day 440) He tried to get the local bakery to hire him but he’s too young 441) Kai also wants to live in France or Italy 442) He also wants to be on reality shows and get a fake tan 443) (Okay. Toby is pretty sure he was joking about that) 444) Kai always has to wish on a lucky star 445) Milo wants to be a published author one day 446) Kai has tried to run away from home twice 447) His parents put a tracking spell on him and found him too fast 448) Toby wishes he could skate at the park with the other kids 449) But he also secretly likes that everyone finds him mysterious 450) Toby used to have a (massive) crush on Kenzi 451) Now they’re both pretty gay 452) Everyone is gay tbh 453) Monsters have no concept of heteronormativity 454) Kenzi’s favourite colour is pink 455) Callie’s favourite animal is an octopus 456) Kai has a picture of him and Toby stuck on his bedroom wall 457) Kai has had a crush on Toby since they were kids 458) Coming out as trans wrecked Kai’s relationship with his parents 459) It is seen as a disgrace for witches to have male sons 460) Men are submissive in witch culture 461) Kai’s parents frequently misname and misgender him 462) The kids at school are much more accepting 463) Kai came out when he was 14 464) Toby has actually been one of his biggest supporters 465) Natalia has been his main supporter as well 466) Toby likes Kai a lot more since he came out 467) Kai feels more real to him now - and irritates him less 468) Toby doesn’t know how long Kai has liked him for 469) Kai is pretty open about being trans 470) Seabrooke is quite accepting, even if his parents aren’t 471) Kenzi is terrified of being rejected by the monster community 472) She really wants Toby to turn her so she can be an actual monster 473) She wears contact lenses so her eyes look purple 474) She doesn’t really like school and puts the bare minimum effort in 475) Harlow is taking four a levels - a difficult thing to do 476) Fuck this was the worst idea 478) Harlow channels her anger out through drumming 479) It’s therapist mandated so her dad cannot stop her 480) Even though he very very much wants to 481) Harlow’s favourite video game is overwatch 482) Her mains are lucio, junk rat, bastion and rein 483) Harlow despises spelling and grammar errors 484) Matty likes stealing Toby’s tee shirts 485) Between Matty & Kai, Toby barely has any clothes left 486) Which is fine as far as Kai’s concerned 487) Matty is like a little brother to Kai 488) Originally, Callie & Arya were part of a polygamous relationship 489) I cut that out, though, because I couldn’t think of a third girl 490) Seabrooke tends to have mild weather 491) During the summer, the heat can spike to 25-30 C max 492) It rarely snows, but it does rain a lot, and there’s a lot of wind 493) Most of the houses in Seabrooke were built 100ish years ago 494) It has a train station - nobody knows why - it’s the last stop 495) There is a Seabrooke museum ran by a vampire and a Fae 496) There is a secret monster section in the back 497) Idle Town by Conan Gray reminds me of Seabrooke 498) As does This Town by Neil Horan (I think that’s the name idk) 499) Fuck you to @livvywrites for not stopping me 500) I am never doing this again

tag list: @livingthelovelylife, @commasinsidequotes, @4kidsopfan, @thatworldinverted, @livvywrites @ravenpuffwriter @the-writer-turned-procrastinor @livingthelovelylife (ask to be added or removed more likely after this shit)

#writeblr #writeblr community #monsterhouse #this was the worst idea of my life #never again #do not do this #b a d i d e a

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hollyhock13 · 5 years

Text

All I Want for Christmas is You

AN: This is for @nerdkate88‘s prompt “First Christmases / First Christmas traditions / How Christmas evolved for the Waynes” for the Batfam Christmas Stocking exchange on Tumblr and AO3. Special thanks to @ursapharoh05 for helping me get this done and presentable.

Alfred planned for this Christmas as any other. He, with his army of caretakers, bakers, decorators, and otherwise titled helpers, had once again transformed Wayne Manor into a cheerful vestibule of holiday cheer. Never mind that it had all gone to waste again this year.

He tries to banish that thought from his mind. No, he has done his job, and he has done it well. As valet to the only remaining Wayne, it is vital that he oversee the remaining details. The phone rings. He answers it as he has done so many times prior. The conversation with the planner executing this year’s charity gala goes exactly as expected, and Alfred rests the handset back in its cradle to end the call. He sighs as he mentally calculates the tasks that remain. Once, he had forgotten among the holiday to-dos to complete some of his less flashy but more important tasks. He doesn’t forget anymore.

As he adds “pay the party planner” to his list for tomorrow, the doorbell rings. Alfred reviews his list of expected personnel and finds he is quite correct in not expecting any until tomorrow at the earliest. Most don’t work on Christmas, regardless of religious affiliation, as it is a national holiday. Alfred hesitates just a moment before moving toward the door to peek out the window.

A huddled mountain of clothing and skin red from the cold greets his cautious eyes. Perhaps a homeless man or woman who has heard that the Waynes are kind to such persons down on their luck. Perhaps a criminal meaning to catch him off-guard and rob them blind. Or—he catches himself before he can dwell on that particular thought. This requires a decision, and a quick one. He makes up his mind and reaches for the lock. He is Alfred Pennyworth, of Her Majesty’s Special Forces. He can take any ruffian who might be at the door. He turns the handle and faces his unexpected guest.

A pair of familiar blue eyes blink down at him. “Alfred?”

“It can’t be.”

“It’s me.”

“You’ve grown.”

A half-sob and a laugh. “Yes. May I come in?”

Alfred steps to the side. “You may as well. It is your house, after all.”

The mountain of a human being that has revealed itself to be Bruce Wayne takes a step inside the door.

“May I take your coat, Sir?” Alfred asks his once-charge with a lump in his throat.

The smile that has been flirting with the corners of Master Bruce’s mouth flees. “I—. Yes, thank you. How—how have you been, Alfred?”

“My health has been adequate. And yours?” He doesn’t mention how he feels he has aged ten years for every moment his young charge had been gone.

“Mine has been the same.” Bruce doesn’t mention the scars that Alfred can see now litter his arms with the removal of his (inadequate) coat.

“Where have you been?” Alfred asks around the lump in his throat that has only grown.

“Everywhere,” Bruce replies. “I’ve set foot on every continent. I’ve learned languages and techniques from all over the world. I’ve eaten local foods in over a dozen different countries and not one of them can hold a candle to your cooking.”

Alfred doesn’t point out that most of their food is prepared by a professional chef. “Is that so, my boy?”

Bruce seems to crumble at the familiarity. “It’s true. I’ve learned hundreds of fighting techniques, but never to kill. I’ve got a plan, Alfred, to help the city.”

The butler gathers his boy into his arms. “Can it wait until after Christmas?”

“...Yes.” And it does.

Dick has never seen so many presents in his life. There’s gotta be a hundred, no, a THOUSAND of them! He stares at them for all of twenty seconds before he’s attempting to climb the pile.

“Master Richard, it will be much easier to open your gifts if you are not dependant on them for structural stability,” Alfred says.

Dick frowns and slides down the pile. “ My gifts? They’re not for everybody? What about you and Bruce?”

Alfred points to two much smaller piles under one of the smaller trees. “They wouldn’t fit under the tree,” he laments.

Dick is satisfied by this answer and goes back to ogling the mountain of presents instead. “How many do you think there are?” he asks in awe.

“Many. I do believe Santa got a little carried away this year.” Alfred and Bruce exchange a look that Dick doesn’t understand. “Shall we begin?”

Dick nods eagerly and the two men watch him tear into the shiny gift wrap. The pile of wrapping paper grows in proportion to the pile of unwrapped gifts.

Dick starts to wane about halfway through the enormous pile, so they take a break for hot cocoa (and coffee) with cookies and breakfast. Dick stuffs an entire handful of marshmallows into his mug. Alfred joins him in giggling at Bruce’s whipped cream mustache. The chocolate chip pancakes with a smiley face are the best thing he’s ever seen!

The rest of the presents are unwrapped quickly without much attention paid to what is inside.

Long after the pile of presents has been exhausted, Dick climbs into Bruce’s lap. “Bruce?”

“Yeah, Chum?”

“Thanks.”

“Sure, Chum.”

The sniffle is unexpected, and Dick tries to play it off.

“Chum? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just got a cold.” It’s a lie and they both know it.

“Did you not get something you wanted?” Bruce asks quickly.

“No, it’s not that.” Another sniffle escapes, then a sob. “Do you still miss yours?” Dick asks before he can stop himself.

Bruce takes a moment to think. “Yes,” he answers honestly, “every day, but especially for big moments like this. But it gets easier after a while.”

Dick turns his face into Bruce’s shoulder to muffle the next sob. “I want them back!” he cries. “I don’t want it to be easier, I want them back!”

“I know.” The day doesn’t get any easier, but they do manage to enjoy some of it. Dick goes to bed with one of his new stuffed animals tucked under his arm, and one of his old ones tucked under the other.

The best thing about Christmas is the food, Jason thinks. Cookies and turkey and ham and pie and mashed potatoes and as much gravy as he can fit on his plate make for a happy boy. Even better, though, are the abundance of fruit and vegetables. Everything from corn, peas, and green beans to oranges, apples, and pomegranates! If he tries, he thinks he can put every color in the world on his plate. He’s even pretty sure that Alfie will let him if he wants to try. He takes some of everything, and he refuses to leave the table until he’s finished his plate, though not for lack of trying on Bruce’s part.

“Jay-lad! Don’t you want to come play with some of these?”

A shake of his head. There’s collard greens too!

“My boy! Look at this helicopter!”

Oh ho ho! There’s a whole drumstick left! Score!

Bruce sighs in defeat.

Jason is starting to slow down, but he's still eating even though he’s starting to think he's going to make himself sick. And then he takes a bite of the cauliflower. He makes a face, gags, and takes another bite.

“Jay, if you don't like it you don't have to finish it.”

Jason nods and takes another painful bite.

“Jay, nothing bad is going to happen if you don't eat the cauliflower.”

“What if we get hungry later and I didn't eat it and it goes to waste?” Jason demands.

“Then we'll get some different food,” Bruce replies. “There will never be a shortage of food in this house.

“But mom says…” the boy trails off and clamps his mouth shut.

“What does your mom say?”

“She says to eat when we got food. To save the cans and stuff for when it's bad, but never let it go to waste.”

“That's a good philosophy, buddy, but the truth is that we made enough so that we could have leftovers. There's no way we can eat it all tonight.”

“Then what are we going to do with it?!” Jason demands, surveying the feast.

“We're going to wrap it up and put it in the fridge and the freezer to keep it good,” Bruce assures. “It will be almost as good as if we ate it right this second and it keeps us from getting too full.”

“How can you be sure the electricity will stay on, though?” Jason demands.

“Because we pay our bill in full and on time every month. It won't be a problem.”

“Mom said she payed it sometimes too, and then the lights went out anyway.” Jason stares at the remaining mound of food on his plate as frustrated tears leak from his eyes.

“How about we put it in the freezer? That way, if the power does go out, we can get it connected again before it thaws completely.”

Alfred nods in agreement when Jason looks at him for confirmation. Jason nods slowly. “Okay.”

“Alright, let's get some of those leftover containers. Do you know where they are?” Bruce asks Jason.

He shakes his head and Alfred steps in. “Allow me, young masters.”

Alfred disappears for a few minutes and returns with stacks of Tupperware. “Shall I inform you how to fill these properly?” He asks.

Bruce and Jason both nod. After a quick demonstration, the younger ones start enthusiastically filling containers. The mountain of containers is a mountain of packaged food in under a half hour. Bruce and Jason are very pleased with themselves as they ferry food to the chest freezer that Alfred keeps for such occasions. Jason warms up a little after that.

Her funeral was held on Christmas Eve, and her husband wasn’t there.

Tim doesn't cry at the funeral, or when they get home. He goes to bed.

Dick spends the night at the manor, though whether he's there for Tim or Bruce is anyone's guess.

Christmas morning dawns quietly at Wayne Manor, with nobody up and about, not even Alfred. Tim wakes first, as the others stayed up for patrol. He doesn't want to encounter anyone, so instead of heading for the tree and the gifts piled there he turns toward the kitchen for a glass of water and maybe some toast.

It takes him a moment to find a glass, and then another to find bread and a toaster. He's never been in this kitchen without another person before, and it seems colder, more clinical than it ever had before. Tim realizes he doesn't want to be alone. He leaves the bread toasting in the toaster and heads back up the stairs.

Tim pauses at the top. He'd been seeking company, but he realizes now that he's not sure whose company he should be seeking. Bruce is not someone he wants to disturb for any reason. Alfred works so hard all the time, he doesn't want to disturb his rest. And Dick, he hardly knows Dick for all that he's admired him from afar for so long. He stands there, paralyzed by indecision and what feels like tears building in his eyes. “Why now?” Tim mutters to himself as he presses his hands to his eyes.

“Tim?” Asks a voice from somewhere beyond the colors blooming against his eyelids.

He drops his hands instantly to see Dick Grayson bending to look him in the eyes. “You alright, kiddo?”

Tim nods woodenly.

Dick offers him a soft smile. “You know, I've always found that opening gifts is a pretty good way to distract myself from the unpleasantness in the world, at least for one morning.”

Tim takes the suggestion as what it is: a tentative offer for some comfort through material things. He nods.

Dick's smile gets a hundred times brighter, but before Tim can regret agreeing to this odd form of retail therapy, Dick has taken him by the arm and dragged him into Bruce's room without knocking.

“Psst. Bruce. It's Christmas.”

Bruce checks the alarm clock on the table with the one eye he's cracked open at the stage whisper. “I'm tired, Dick. We can start Christmas later.”

“Tim's here too.”

That gets a bigger reaction. Bruce rolls over to squint at the two of them. Tim thinks that he must look really quite pathetic because Bruce sighs and begins making motions to get up. “Fine. I'll be down in ten minutes. Don't bother Alfred if you don't have to.”

Dick chirps, “Okay!”

He drags Tim out of Bruce's room and back to the room where he had spent the night. “If you want to be wearing any clothes for the rest of the day, now is the time.”

Tim blinks at that declaration. Where might they be going? Are they planning to stay here? He chews on his lip for a moment. Maybe this is a trick question and they really spend all morning in pajamas. He decides on putting on a warm hoodie over the top of his pajamas. He turns back to Dick, who is still grinning like he's won the lottery. Although, Tim thinks, considering the house they're both in, he kind of has.

Dick quite literally pulls him out of his thoughts by taking his arm and tugging him toward the stairs. “Come on, it'll be fun! Promise.”

Bruce steps out of his room looking very tired. Tim is immediately hit by guilt that effectively knocks him out flat. Dick must notice something, because he turns to Tim with concern in his eyes.

“You okay, Timbo?”

That, of course, makes Bruce turn to survey him, and Tim is positive he can see every feeling Tim's ever hidden written right there in his face. Tim nods to try and escape this scrutiny, but they only redouble their efforts.

Bruce finally asks, “What is wrong, Tim? Did Dick pressure you into this?”

Dick squawks at the accusation but ultimately doesn't speak. Tim shakes his head.

“I'm sorry we woke you up,” he says instead, “I know you had a late night.”

Bruce frowns. “You're fine,” he says. “You can always come to me.”

“I--you're so busy, it's not--”

“I'll always have time for you, Tim. Would you like to go downstairs?”

Tim nods. “Yeah, I'd like that.”

Damian is sulking. He admits it only in his head, but he's quite certain this is what the word means.

Richard is definitely sulking. He is upset that his so called family are scattered around the globe: Cain in Hong Kong, Drake in Paris the last they had heard, and Todd wreaking havoc in Gotham but refusing any and all attempts at reconciliation (ridiculous though Damian himself may find the concept) and Father… Father is dead. Damian tries not to dwell.

He goes back to his sulking instead. This is the most ridiculous holiday he has ever encountered. Who makes a holiday based around family and gifts when there are people who have neither? Damian scowls. This is ridiculous indeed.

Grayson intrudes upon Damian's bedroom to greet him. “Hi Li'l D. You ready for presents?”

Damian scowls again. “I am not. I did not realize I was expected to give you gifts in return,” he admits. “I have no such offering for you or Pennyworth.” His cheeks burn.

Grayson doesn't miss a beat. “That's alright, little D. I've gotten a lot of presents in my day. Maybe I can take you out shopping tomorrow for a present for Alfred in any case.”

Damian nods slowly. If he plans it correctly, he may also be able to pick a gift for Grayson. “That would be acceptable.”

Grayson gives him another one of his large grins. “Great! Then come on down!”

Damian follows Grayson's bounds at a much slower pace. He is quite certain that the man is performing for his sake, as he knows he had been upset to be rebuffed by his siblings. Damian scowls again. Why had no one told him about the traditions of this holiday? If he had known he would at least have had a gift to offer Grayson as poor restitution.

Damian looks up as they enter the entry hall. He knows the large tree would only fit in this open area before the stairs where the ceiling doesn't close them in (it's a three story room), but he hadn't realized the space would be required for the mountains of gifts that had somehow been acquired without his knowledge. The wrapping paper shines in the light from the tree.

Grayson nudges him with a grin. “It's pretty, right, Damian?”

Damian closes his mouth with a snap. “Tt. It is acceptable.” He regrets his words when it makes the smile on Grayson's face fade. He turns to look at the gifts again to assuage his guilt. “To whom are these addressed?” He asks instead of trying to apologize. That urge is just weakness, he reminds himself.

“Well, some are for me, and some are for Alfie, and there are some for Cass and Tim when they get home, and a couple for Jason in case he decides to show up and a few for Babs and one or two for Stephanie…” Dick smiles at Damian's impatient scowl. “But the majority are for you.”

“Of course,” Damian sniffs, “you would be lost without me.”

“Absolutely,” Grayson agrees. “You ready to get started then?”

Damian nods, and they begin.

It's been a long year, Bruce thinks.

Although, now that he thinks about it, it's been several long years. Probably more than ten long years. He's quite certain he didn't know what he was thinking when he took in one child, let alone the FIVE who are now terrorizing what was supposed to be his lazy Christmas morning.

“Damian, give that back! It's mine and you know it!”

“It was not addressed to anyone, Drake! Grayson has informed me that that means it is a family gift!”

“It only didn't have a name because it was from Cass!”

A wrestling match breaks out on the other side of the room. He's not entirely sure who is involved until Cass emerges the victor with Dick pinned to the ground. She grins and doesn't let him up until he looks properly defeated to her own inscrutable standards.

Jason is tossing popcorn at Damian while he yells at Tim, attempting, as far as Bruce can tell, to get it to land in his hair. Damian whirls on him when a kernel lands in his ear. Jason is tackled and Tim takes the opportunity to snatch the gift that Damian had been trying to claim off the floor.

Alfred approaches from the kitchen with a tray full of breakfast, which he passes off to the swarm of children. There is not a crumb left by the time it gets to Bruce. He groans. “What have I done to deserve kids like this?” He asks in a tone dangerously close to a whine.

“Oh, I don't think that is a question you want to ask, Master Bruce. The real question is, what have I done to deserve this?” The question is said lightly, almost laughing so Bruce thinks it's a joke.

A wrapped gift hits Bruce right in the belly and it isn't soft. “Hey! You next, old man!” Jason shouts across the room. The other kids stop fighting and gather around to watch.

Bruce opens the gift with the wariness of someone expecting a prank. The kids goad him on with cheers and shouts which do not ease his worry.

The paper is removed to reveal a small box with a well-known jewelry company logo stamped across it. He lifts the lid to see the ugliest watch on which he's ever laid eyes. He lifts it out of the package, not sure if this is some kind of mistake or joke. But...Jason likes that style of watch band, and Damian would have insisted on the Roman Numerals on the face. Cass must have picked the garish gemstones and Dick would have liked the hideous color combinations. He flips it over. There's Tim, in the practicality of a waterproof, atomic, and, he's certain, tech-infused watch.

Bruce's eyes water. These are his kids, how could he have been complaining? It's still a hideous watch, but it was a gift. From and of his children. Speaking of his children…

“Well?”

“Does he like it?”

“I can’t tell. Do you like it, old man?”

“It's ugly! I can't believe we've given Father an unattractive watch! Father, I shall punish them all for their disgusting choices!”

“Damian, I love it. Please don't hurt your siblings. Thank you. All of you. It's the best Christmas present I could have received.” He turns away to keep the happy tears in his eyes from leaking out. He's content for almost thirty seconds.

The silence is broken with a vengeance.

“Pay up, you cowards!” Jason crows. “I told you we could make him cry by giving him an ugly watch! You all owe me fifty bucks! Except Cass, who you also owe fifty bucks.”

The other three boys groan. “I thought you meant tears because it was so ugly!” Dick complains.

“Yeah, since when do sappy tears count?” Tim whines.

Damian breaks in with, “The tears never fell! You are claiming a false victory!”

Another fight breaks out and Bruce sighs. What did he do to deserve children like this?

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fallxnprxnce · 5 years

Note

Has Prince Nuada ever spoken too other fae Kings/kingdoms about his ideas on giving the world back to them? Has he been denied, decided against it or just not considered it? I feel that other fae races would be interested in joining him or at least discussing with it. I hope you are doing well, and thank you!

This is a great topic! I apologize forthis being so late, but I didn’t want to write just a quick answer, so I had towait until I had the proper amount of time and brainpower to do the thing, heh.

So… there are two ways to answer thesequestions. I have mused on this myself, imagining what Nuada would have doneand how other races would have reacted, and I have also discussed it atlength - both IC and OOC – with a goodfriend of mine and some of her muses. One muse in particular, actually, but sheshall remain nameless. She knows who she is. XD

As far as I’ve mused on the subject,early on Nuada would have approached other races about his gripes with humans,and later about his plans to eradicate them. Most other races of fae were notonly not interested in joining his cause but figured he would never see it cometo fruition anyway. They thought it was the ramblings of a petulant prince andnothing more.

The reason for this is because they seea war with humans as just as catastrophic as what the humans might do to theearth, except quicker and with a higher loss of fae life than if they just waitthings out. Chances are, most fae races will acclimate over timebiologically to things like pollution (after all, humans have in many ways),and will evolve and adapt in other ways to continue on as the earth changes.And the earth will change. I thinkthat’s something major that fae generally understand that Nuada does not isthat everything changes. Nothing remains the same forever. One must adapt tochange, not resist it. Versatility during hardship and change is what ensuressurvival, not exile and resistance.

The other reason they would not want to joinhim is becauseit sets a dangerous political precedent. Fae races and plenty of othertypes of non-humans races can be difficult to deal with, it’s true. They can bewarlike, reclusive, territorial, selfish, antagonistic… all of those things.However, when it comes to the overall planet and causes and cycles greater thanall races combined, the fae realize that cooperation is key. That is not to saythey’re going to start breaking bread with orcs and ghouls and certain speciesof trolls anytime soon, but it’s more like a general understanding of we’re all in this together. If Nuada,who is a representative of high Elven races whether he wants or intends to beor not, were to move against the race of humans and obliterate them, that meansthat anyone who has a gripe with anyone else can just decree or bring aboutgenocide in order to solve their problem. It’s a dire precedent to set, and it’snot one that is appreciated by anynon-human races, least of all the fae ones.

Biodiversity is celebrated among non-humans. Again, that does not mean all races like allothers, not by a long shot, but it just means that they are glad there are somany different types of races on earth. It keeps ecosystems alive, keeps cretainpopulations and borders at bay, and generally makes for an interesting earth tolive on. To wipe out one of the most dominant races on earth (just speaking inthe context of population size) should not and is not a viable or sustainable option. Fae races believe if Nuadagoes down that path, he will find that out a lot quicker than he will be ableto set his plan into motion.

Now… as far as what my friend and Ihave discussed both IC and OOC, it is her personal opinion and that of some ofher non-human muses that fae races wouldn’t just shake their head, call Nuadaan insolent upstart, and leave him to the karma of the universe to either righthim or stop him depending on how far he takes his plan, but rather they wouldactively seek to kill him themselves if things went too far. Before that? Theywould make it abundantly clear that they believe he is not only bigoted,hateful, and masquerading the horrors of genocide as a righteous path, but heis also incredibly ignorant and genuinely dumb. I’m paraphrasing for a specificmuse in particular, and if that muse would like to add anything to this littlemeta, she is invited to do so. I shall tag her associated human here: @queenrookandbishop

Why all the snark, rage, and intensedislike for Nuada from this muse and others? Aside from agreeing with myearlier sentiment of genocide not being a viable answer to anything, there are severalof very pointed reasons as to why fae races or any non-human races would beagainst eliminating humans, according to this outspoken muse. She has hit Nuadawith almost all of them personally by now I think, but he is showing clearsymptoms of pigheadedness. Surprise, surprise. Nevertheless, she’s right, so I shall the most important reasonsto not wipe out humans here:

1) Humans take care of a lot of shit on earth,so who is going to do that when they’re all gone? Yes, human make a lot of garbage and waste.Yes, they pollute. But they also clean up, remediate, treat, manage, store, andotherwise deal with their waste as well. Not all of it, to be sure, but enoughof it such that if all the humans disappeared tomorrow, everybody left behindwould be in big trouble in really not a lot of time. No more water filtrationfor plastic wastes. No more maintenance of nuclear power plants. No moremanagement of toxic waste sites with drums of deadly and/or radioactivematerials. No more environmental groups instituting things like beach cleanups,litter pick-ups, tree-planting events, running animal preserves and rescue operations,etc. If all the humans disappeared tomorrow, we’d be left with all the bad andnone of the good as far as what humans have done so far with the world. Maybetheir factories would shut down, they would no longer drive cars that releasegreenhouse gases, they would no longer be drinking water bottles and discardingthem in waterways, they wouldn’t be farming mass quantities of land withchemical fertilizers and pesticides, but you know what…? What humans havealready done is enough to pollute the world for centuries to come. And… whatthey are doing to remediate pollution and keep toxic waste contained and keeppotentially dangerous facilities up and running will suddenly stop… and evenmore contamination will be released into the environment with none of thecountermeasure to clean it or stop it. The consequences of human life endingsuddenly on earth far outweigh the benefits, to both the actual planet as wellas all other non-human races that inhabit it.

2) What happens to all the bodies of dead humansonce this genocide occurs? There wouldbe more bodies left to rot worldwide than there are microbes and predators capableof dealing with all that biological waste. Sure, some corpses will be scavengedby predator animals… Bears, large cats, not to mention predatory fae and othernon-human races. And bacteria and fungi will go to work, putrefying and rottingbodies depending upon their specific metabolic needs. But the need for these thingsto occur will far be exceeded by the number of bodies there will be. The GoldenArmy will kill humans fast. So whenthis happens and there are bodies everywhere, predation and natural rotting andrecycling of nutrients in those bodies will take a decent amount of time. Inthe meantime, bodies are leaking putrid fluids into soils. They’re falling intowaterways and poisoning them. Diseases are breeding in corpses baking under thesun. So much gas is released that the air becomes poisonous, and furthercontributes to global warming. It’s really not a good picture at all. Manyraces on land and in the water will be poisoned to death if not made very ill.Weaker individuals will die, and those left will have to deal with all thebiological waste somehow or risk much of the earth being uninhabitable for along time.

3) Many non-human races rely on humans as afood source! Vampires, largetrolls, dragons, rusalka, ghouls, wendigo, lycanthropes, etc. all feed onhumans. Some, like vampires, are entirely limited to humans such that, were allhumans to disappear, so would they… or else they would be reduced to drinkinganimal blood and become weakened and sick depending on which set of vampirelore you’re going with. My point is, taking out an entire food source that hadpreviously been so prevalent is going to rock the web of life and the foodchain considerably. Some races may die from lack of food, while others willbegin to eat other races… like elves,perhaps, potentially bringing about the extinction of other races who cannotsupport that level of predation.

In short… fae races and othernon-humans would have the common sense and wisdom to understand that taking outall humans is not the answer. So why doesn’t Nuada? After 2K+ years of life,why isn’t he wiser? My first answer is to call bullshit on Guillermo del Torobecause I think Nuada would be wiserthan that after all that time. There’s really no way he couldn’t be. But I’mnot going to do that because GdT is awesome and saying the canon is flawed isjust a copout answer anyway. XD So… I will go with a two-fold answer of 1) hisisolation after going into exile put him in an environment where he did notreceive very much constructive criticism or opposition. He isolated himself,stewed about his own ideas, and sought out other like-minded individuals (e.g.,Mr. Wink). That kind of lifestyle served to maintain, preserve, and perpetuatehis own ignorance. And 2) Nuada was poisoned by his own emotions, as we all knowis a definitely thing with elves. His anger, sadness, hopelessness, depression,etc. over what was happening to his people actually worked much the same waydepression does in humans… it chemically changed his brain to continue thatnegative thought pattern feedback loop, which then also led to him becomingphysically damaged by his own emotions as well. Ultimately, his way of thinkingwas actually altered by his emotions after spending enough time wallowing inthem without the help he needed or the opposition he potentially should havehad.

I hope this answered your questions,and thank you for sending this in! =D

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fanresearcher-blog · 5 years

Text

My Criticism of Planet Puto

You know, just in case HC never finds about my criticism...

“Hello HC! My original criticism was lost…unfortunately but I`m determined to get my message to you. I wrote it on Word first before posting it in your submit. If you managed to get my old submission, then I`m glad that it worked, but if it didn`t then that`s why I have this. So HC, I wanted to do this for a long time but I needed to be composed of my thoughts first. Now I`m ready.

In this submission, I want to talk about the character development of your personification characters and character design. I`ll also talk a little bit of the lore by the end of the post. It is not intended for hate, it is just criticism. I am also aware that Planet Puto is more like random posts instead of comics or something. The reason I feel like giving criticism is for HC`s improvement in some stuff and to voice my concerns. Before I write my criticism, I would like to praise HC for her/his dedication to creating that group of Actor AU (I don`t know their names but it`s the Aswang lady and her Spanish-y husband and they had twins). I love your work since it has good art but mostly it`s because you post so often. Reading your posts become a part of my everyday routine.

So before we get to the specific criticism and tips, I`ll talk about my general problems with the personification characters. It appears to be, that the characters are used for meaningless fanservice. When I`m scrolling through the Planet Puto archives, once in a while I will see characters drawn with sexy poses or they have ship tease with someone. If it is part of their character, then that would make sense. So is everybody…smutty? It seems like whenever there is a major foreign country, they would be shipped with Elena or Emilio. There are entire pages filled with random pick-up lines from Emilio and all the art of Elena with the guys.

I`m not saying that shipping is bad. I think it is perfectly fine for some countries to be attracted to Emilio or Elena. What I don`t understand is…why? Why do those countries find Emilio or Elena attractive? What do they see in them? Please don`t say, that they love the Phils because Emilio is pogi and Elena is maganda. If that is the reason, why they love those twins, then that is not real love at all. Also…they can`t just be compatible because of politics! It is like shipping someone with another person just because they had a good business deal. It also makes me wonder if a country can even decide who to love instead of who they are told to by their bosses. It`s sad no?

It would be best that you create the character before the ship. If you create the ship before the character, they may end up not being their own person. Also pair the ones, who are naturally compatible. It`s like food combos, there are basics like cheese and tomato go so well but when you experiment you will also find out that green mango tastes great with bagoong. Relationships, like food combinations, should be compatible. When people talk about food combos, you hear “The tomato`s freshness balances out the saltiness of salted egg” or “A bit of chili actually brings out the flavor of vinegar”, so characters should be like “He has a great mind but sometimes he can be really tough. She quite emotional but she can be the best friend you can ever have. Together, his heart softens and he learns how to get along with other people. She learns how to keep cool and keep things together now.” Characters by themselves are great, like peanut butter bread and jelly bread, but when you put them together, they are even better.

Be careful of red flags! If the relationship is starting to break boundaries, border on abuse, and toxic behaviors, please stop. It will just give the wrong message to the audience if you ship something like that. After all, in a food combo, if one of the ingredients are rotten it would make you sick. The pair should not be toxic to each other. You can still portray abusive relationships, but please don`t romanticize or encourage it because it`s not okay. It will never be okay.

You must develop them first, though. After you got their character, then you can start thinking about shipping. They must care about each other. That is the bare minimum for a good ship. In psychology, people are more likely to be attracted to someone they have in common with but not too much in common. The thing they have in common could be anything like background, motivation, interests, etc… After that, be careful not to make them too similar or too different. To add special garnish, if the work has a theme, then it would be best if that ship reflects opposite or different sides of the theme. That would make everything really juicy. Remember to not force it, if they can`t match no matter how hard you try, then they weren`t meant to be. Move on. The best ships will just come into place.

Summary for writing ships:

-They must care for each other

-It must be natural

-They must have something in common but different enough

-Experiment

-Avoid Red Flags

My other general problem is random sadness. I`m okay with sadness, but the sadness in Planet Puto is very random. Everything is happy then boom! Sadness. I don`t understand what it is supposed to mean, what am I supposed to know here? There is a pattern of using historical events for angst. It would be much better if the angst was more built up and more meaningful if the characters had character.

Let`s start with the protagonist, Emilio. Of all of the characters, he is the one I have problems with the most. I find it hard to discern a characteristic to him other than a pabebe, a flirt, and a pushover. I`m sorry if that is insulting, but that is my own impression. He may not be like that, but the way he is portrayed gave me that vibes. So what makes a protagonist likable and memorable? They should:

Struggle: Hmm…does Emilio struggle? I have been searching all the pages with Emilio in them to know. None of those posts indicate really big things. I try to dig deeper like a Language Teacher but it is hard for me to see the meaningful struggle. All I see is meaningless angst. The problems that Emilio faces are politics, love life, and history. Politics, I understand that it is hard to live with such a corrupt government. What I need to know is…how does this affect Emilio personally? Normally, citizens of this country will not feel affected by politics. Sometimes they will be affected, but most of the time they would live most of their lives without worrying about this. It would be best to show how it affects Emilio on a personal level, so I can feel why.

Love life, it is now a more human problem. I wonder why personifications aren`t marrying each other by now. So many feelings and ship tease! Are they forbidden? If that is so, then that would be impractical. There are so many countries in the world, so at least one government permits a country to marry another country. I also wonder why Emilio only dated Brunei. I remember you said it is because of the union of the Kingdom of Tondo and something Brunei. So does that mean, whenever a country is joined by political alliance or merging of kingdoms, are they are automatically in love or dating? Heartbreak happens, it is a human thing but I hope it isn`t too much of a problem. There is such a thing as move on, right?

History, now that could have a lot of potential. I think there is a lot of creative potential with this. The problem is…how do you portray it properly? The best thing to do is to look in history books and determine what he would be doing at a place in time. Give him a backstory based on the things taught in history. I know you are doing that, but I think it is unrealistic that Emilio is everywhere at once. How is he in a lot of historical events!?! There has to be an explanation. I think it could be answered by knowing his occupation exactly. What is his skills? What are his abilities? Does he have powers to help out? What does being a personification mean? These things could really help me understand how the plot works.

(Out of topic: What is being a personification? How immortal is he? What if we cut off a personification`s head? Would they die? What if we chopped off their fingers? Would they be crippled or would their limbs grow back eventually? In your WWII drawing, Elena asks Japan to finish off her useless brother, so are you saying he can die? What if no one saved Emilio?

Do personifications get paid for being personifications? Can they resign? Do they have insurance or vacation days? Do they get a bonus? Do they get senior citizen`s discount, after all, they are older than our grandparents? Why do countries have a girl and boy version? Let`s say Emilio resigns from being Phil, would Elena have another twin?

What jobs do personifications do? Are they immediately conscripted to be a soldier, kind of Captain America? Captain America is a super soldier and also used for propaganda. Do they go in missions assigned to them by their presidents? I remember your Brunei and Phil post, that countries might be super spies by their governments. Is it really something like that? Are countries allowed to have other jobs? I remembered a post, I asked if personifications can have jobs. Emilio answered that he wanted to be a general, so he is not allowed to? He is the amang bayan after all, can he use his influence to get the job that he dreams of. Why can`t he be a general? I also heard your answer that being a personification means that you help people, how do they help people? Do they work in social services? Military? Education? Counseling? Psychology? NGO?

Can they have superpowers or are they as strong as an average person?

PLEASE ANSWER THIS, EVEN IF IT TAKES TIME. I CAN WAIT. You don`t have to make a drawing for it. Just type or draw if you like, I just really need to know. What if you randomly gave the characters abilities out of thin air? That would be really confusing. You might risk yourself with plot holes. We would be left out with the information needed to know what their life is like. If they have more detail what is their job exactly, then I would feel like they are more relatable because they actually have a life of their own other than being a mascot.)

Not whine: Back to one of the general problems, random sadness. Emilio is the one with the most random sad posts, so he has that main problem. I don`t know about you but if you put it in real life. It would sound like whining (I`m sorry). What is whining? It is a negative connotation of complaint. Complain is to express grief, pain, or discontent. It is okay to show strong emotion possibly even required but it would be weird to hugot it a lot.

I already talked about the struggle part, not whining is the combo for struggle. Why? When someone suffers and they whine, suffer, whine, suffer, then more whining, then it would feel like handling an annoying baby. I know that they have pain but I would not respect them if they whine. They would be just like an average person to me, “That sucks, but the way you reacted made me not like you.”

Struggle makes the audience root out for the protagonist because it is natural human behavior to root out for the underdogs and struggle is what everyone goes through so it`s relatable. Not whining is what makes the protagonist respectable. Who has more virtue, a person that complains whenever there is something inconvenient vs someone who endures it instead?

A protagonist should be relatable hence, struggle, but they should also have something admirable because if they are so painstakingly average it is not any more interesting. We did not ask for reality to be displayed, we already live with that every day. What we want is to be entertained, learn, or feel something. A protagonist is someone we should admire, respect, and relate to.

In my opinion, Emilio in the Yandere!Adam event actually shows a bit of character and for the first time, I find myself surprised to actually care about a fictional character even if it is a little bit. What I am talking about, are the normal posts before that.

Be active: This is what makes an ordinary protagonist, entertaining. An active protagonist is a protagonist that shapes the plot while a passive protagonist is pushed by the plot. Why I believe that Emilio, isn`t an active protagonist, he is controlled by events. I have never seen an event that Emilio started because of his actions. For example, Yandere!Adam event, Yandere!Adam is the one that sets the events in motion, while Emilio just watches. I can understand since it is a Yandere!Adam event, it has to focus on Yandere!Adam. I just wish that there is an event of Emilio`s own doing.

(Out of topic: I feel like Emilio and Elena`s relationship isn`t that strong when I looked at the Yandere!Adam event. Letting your own twin die?! It affects me a little bit personally because I have a twin of my own. I would never imagine killing my own twin or letting that happen. According to research, boy-girl twins are even closer than same-sex twins, so they should be closer but they are not. Maybe it is because they were separated for so long, so that is why they aren`t that close.)

So in totality, I think Emilio needs a lot of work in his character.

IN SUMMARY:

-Please elaborate in his struggles

-Tone down the hugot

-Have an event focused on Emilio

-Add more to his backstory

-Tell us more about him

So that is all with Emilio. The other main characters like Elena, Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao, Manila, Cebu, and Davao don`t get enough characterization. They feel like caricatures and stereotypes sometimes. I don`t get who they are supposed to be like. Cebu as INTJ really? As a fan and deep researcher of MBTI, it is hard to see why Cebu will be that. In a nutshell, my impression of them are:

Elena: Oh I`m going to help Emilio, get shipped with so many dudes, and do most of the country work.

Luzon: I`m Miss Serious who is kind of like Manila by design. I`m also the boss and hate insubordination.

Visayas: I`m the guy that has such a peaceful life and brown streak of hair. (Apparently, I also betrayed my countrymen by siding with Spain.)

Mindanao: ….

Manila: I hate probinsyanos! Especially Cebu. I`m swimming in the trash and I have problems…with Cavite. #ampalaya #lifesucks #dacapital

Cebu: I hate Manila! (Hehe I speak Bisaya so he can`t understand) I also don`t get along with Iloilo.

Davao: Yay! (Anime hair).

(Out of topic: I get confused with the glasses on capitals. You said that it was a sign of progress and you put the capitals of other nations with it. It feels quite the opposite. People need glasses to see, so when someone becomes a capital do they become visually impaired? Or they don`t really need it. Does that mean that glasses on capitals are like crowns on royalty? It gets quite confusing to theorize over simple stuff like that. It seems to be too much of a coincidence.)

I`ll talk more about character design later which involves the main characters.

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While writing this, I realized that foreign personifications were more developed than the main characters. They show more personality in a page than Emilio or Elena can show in 10 pages. For Adam, I thought his character design immediately gave me the vibes of someone who would be America. He tries to keep his reputation so he hides his brown eye with contacts and he hides issues to show that he is strong. When it came to struggling, I feel like that is implied. He seems admirable at some aspect and he sets the story forward as a colonizer.

His character design also gives an implication of his character. He has blonde hair and blue eyes (something that is associated with America), he has a blue business suit, red tie, and white underneath. That is the colors of the American flag! Colors like that are usually associated with heroes. I immediately saw a developed character in him. I wonder why that can`t be the same for Emilio or Elena.

Emilio`s outfit is a Filipino barong, he has sun-kissed brown hair, tan skin, and really, really light brown eyes. He is basically brown all the way through. While Elena has similar eyes, black hair, and light tan skin. Their outfits are traditional Filipino clothing. Luzon has a yellow tie and female business suit. Visayas has a red shirt and brown pants. Mindanao has a white robe with blue highlights. It seems like the island groups are wearing the colors of the Philippine flag.

Their character designs are okay enough. It could possibly do better but it`s okay. When I mean to do better, I think you should modify it a little bit so it can look better. Like add detail to the clothes, use a different shade of color perhaps (the current colors aren`t bad on its own but I think it is best to experiment), and I think that is basically it. I get that you gave them really unusual eyes, to give them an anime feel (Personally I don`t like it, but I would not criticize that. It is your own personal aesthetic decision.). Maybe give Emilio and Elena an alternate casual outfit, the traditional clothing makes them seem like they can`t move on from the past (unless that is what you are going for).

The provinces are what I have a problem with. I can see that you tried, but some of them need work. They look unique but not unique enough. Sorry but, I think they look like branded food from the grocery sometimes. The Mindanaoan personifications are the most unique, Visayan personifications vary in quality but mostly unique, and the Luzones personifications have the most problems. I think you should do a bit more work in Ilocos Region, Cagayan Region, Central Luzon, CALABARZON, MIMAROPA, a bit in Western Visayas, and Zamboanga Peninsula.

Ilocos Region:

Pangasinan. Despite being part of Ilocos Region, he isn`t exactly Ilocano. He is Pangasinense. That means he has a different ethnicity than the rest of his fellow region mates. His economy and some of the way he acts is a bit different from the Ilocos. In all means, he is different from the other members. So he should look a little bit different. His fashion sense isn`t that good either. Come on! That collar shirt looks too long and does nothing to improve the figure. The hair is all levels baduy.

Ilocos Twins. They seem too similar to each other. It seems like the only difference is how they tuck their shirts and belts, and that Ilocos Norte is wearing a fake mustache. The minuscule detail is that Ilocos Norte has his pants tucked in more neatly while Ilocos Sur has slightly loose pants. You can differentiate them a bit unless you like it that way.

In general, they are kind of plain. It would be best to add more variety and fashion sense. (Unless you intended it that way)

Cagayan Region, Zamboanga Peninsula, MIMAROPA, and Western Visayas:

Make them a bit more varied.

Central Luzon:

Pampanga. My DEAR province would never wear something like that! It`s like he didn`t move on from the past. Bro, it is the modern days not revolution. Besides, Pampanga would wear a uniform during that period of time. In reality, Kapampangans like to dress well to the point it is a stereotype. Whenever there is an event or casual life, we always like to dress up. I think it would be best if he has a more fashionable outfit or you add something to the outfit to make it more fashionable. The most fashionable ones always seem to be the Metro Manilenos. It would be good if there are provinces that are really, really fashionable. Fashion is a really big deal.

What feeling are you trying to invoke when you made him?

Bulacan. Really baduy. This outfit is something I imagined to be in a cheap fantasy project. The upturned collar according to historical events was a trend because it was “preppy”, so okay then I guess since it indicates character. The shirt is really plain and does not catch the eye. It feels like it was cheaply done. The color of mint green or light green used for the shirt does not add to his character. Light green is used to indicate the more positive aspects of green like growth or healing. Quite ironic, since his eyes were turned grey due to fireworks.

The outfit is even worse than Pampanga`s, at least Pampanga`s outfit is something that someone would wear but that is something I don`t see in a traditional outfit or normal clothes.

Others. Bataan`s outfit is also baduy as well as Nueva Ecija. Why do the girls always have to wear traditional clothing? What is Zambales ordinary outfit? He does not dive all day, you know.

CALABARZON:

I have fewer problems with these guys but...does Cavite have to always wear the uniform. I`ve seen him in a different outfit before. I wonder what his signature normal outfit would look like. Laguna wearing a baro`t saya…a classic for Planet Puto women. What does Quezon have that is different from QC? They are pretty similar.

GENERAL CHARACTER DESIGN

Character design is of utmost importance because it can determine first impressions and show personality. What I`m looking for in character design is Personality, Color Scheme, and Symbolism. Personality is displayed by the little details like a business suit to indicate the character`s work-like personality or a suspenders to indicate a person`s old-fashioned/gangsta/a cop/compliments the figure of a muscular body. Colors have multiple symbolisms, blue can indicate dependability but can also give a depressing feeling. Light blue has more positive connotations but dark blue indicates the darker aspects. Little things like the wear the clothes are worn can indicate if someone is a slob or a neat person. Clothing can also indicate the standard of living, fashion style, personal preferences, and attitude. After all, you are what you wear.

Of course, character design is not just clothing it could also be a hairstyle, how the body is built, and stuff like gesture can add a push of characterization. Do they wear their hair in a neat manner or they have long hair? Things like that can indicate the beliefs of the person or attitude. Are they muscular? It might indicate that they workout, part of the military, or some physically demanding work. Are they thin? It could indicate that they don`t eat much, but why? See, that adds more character.

IN SUMMARY:

-BE FASHIONABLE (unless it is part of their character not to)

-MAKE THEM STAND OUT

-ASK “Why would they wear this?”

-COLOR IS IMPORTANT (research their meanings)

-COLOR SCHEME IS ALSO IMPORTANT (make it still look good, unless it is part of the character to clash)

Optional:

-Give each character a signature color that fits their personality

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Thank you for listening to my character design and characterization criticism. The lore is really difficult to get into. The only lore I can theorize perhaps is the Yandere!Adam with his eyes. That is basically it. I want to know where personifications come from, how immortal are they, and their origins. How was Emilio made? Did he have parents? Or he just appeared into existence? How are Elena and Emilio twins? How are they related to Mindanao, Visayas, and Luzon? You know, questions like that.

I`m sorry if I was offensive or anything. I really mean the best.”

#planetputo emildaphilz criticism tips

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imjustthemechanic · 6 years

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Natalie Jones and the Golden Ship

Part 1/? - A Meeting at the Palace Part 2/? - Curry Talk Part 3/? - Princess Sitamun Part 4/? - Not At Rest Part 5/? - Dead Men Tell no Tales Part 6/? - Sitamun Rises Again Part 7/? - The Curse of Madame Desrosiers Part 8/? - Sabotage at Guedelon Part 9/? - A Miracle Part 10/? - Desrosiers’ Elixir Part 11/? - Athens in October Part 12/? - The Man in Black Part 13/? - Mr. Neustadt Part 14/? - The Other Side of the Story Part 15/? - A Favour Part 16/? - A Knock on the Window Part 17/? - Sir Stephen and Buckeye Part 18/? - Books of Alchemy Part 19/? - The Answers Part 20/? - A Gift Left Behind Part 21/? - Santorini Part 22/? - What the Doves Found Part 23/? - A Thief in the Night Part 24/? - Healing Part 25/? - Newton’s Code Part 26/? - Montenegro Part 27/? - The Lost Relic Part 28/? - The Homunculinus Part 29/? - The End is Near Part 30/? - The Face of Evil Part 31/? - The Morning After

Awkward.

It was a very unexpected question, and after asking it, Jim winced and gritted his teeth as if afraid Nat was about to throw him over the city wall into Bocca Bay. Maybe he was – and maybe that was why Natasha laughed out loud. Or maybe she laughed because that was easily the most self-consciously pathetic proposition she’d ever received. Jim looked like a puppy asking for a treat he knew he wouldn’t receive, and she could tell he immediately regretted asking.

“Sorry,” he said. “That was stupid.”

“Sure,” Nat decided. “I’ll do that.” Why not?

Jim stared at her. “What? Really?”

“It’s been a long time since I slept with anyone,” she admitted. “When I was working for the Soviet government, they would have me seduce men – and sometimes women – in order to drug or kill them. I don’t like casual hookups because it reminds me of that, but I also really can’t get into a long-term relationship, because…” she shrugged. “Those are built on honesty, and for the last few years, my life has been a lie. I’ve been using a fake name, working under forged qualifications, and I can tell people all about my past but none of it’s true. You and I are being honest. I’m a former Russian spy and you’re something a crazy wizard made.”

Then he laughed, too. “A match made in heaven, eh?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know if I’d go that far,” said Nat.

There was a rumble. Nat leaned forward to look up again, and saw more lightning flickering. The gray cat gave a stretch, and then scampered off down a side street.

Jim seemed to take that as a sign. “I guess we should go in, too,” he said.

The first dark spots began to appear on the stone cobbles in front of them. “I think you’re right,” said Nat. “If we don’t we’ll be trapped here in this doorway until it stops.”

They hurried across the square, and darted into the hotel foyer just moments ahead of the rain. Lightning split the sky and thunder followed soon after, and suddenly it was teeming down, rattling on the old tile roofs and flowing in rivulets between the paving stones. Natasha hoped the cat had made it back indoors.

“Whew,” said Jim. “If even the weather’s telling me to go back to bed, I guess I ought to take the hint.”

He thought she’d been joking, Nat realized. Either that, or he was so embarrassed about having propositioned her in the first place that he was hoping they could both forget about it. Natasha could have let it drop, but decided not to – he’d made the request in earnest and she’d accepted it likewise. She was trying very hard not to think of the ways in which sex made people feel obligated to each other and how she could take advantage of those. Instead, she focused on how it would help him feel like he’d left an impression on the world… and as she said, it had been several years since the last time she’d done it.

So right there in the lobby of the Hotel Vadar, with other guests all around him, she took him by the shoulders and kissed him full on the lips. She felt him freeze, and expected him to relax into it once he realized she was serious – but he didn’t. When she stepped back a moment later, he was still staring at her.

“I… uh…” he began.

“If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have asked. You’re stuck with me now,” she told him, and kissed him again. This time, he put his arms around her and pulled her a little closer, and she knew he wasn’t embarrassed anymore.

“You taste like lemonade,” he told her.

She’d had lemon gelato for dessert. “Really?” she asked. “Because you taste like Perenelle’s elixir.”

Jim froze, horrified. “I do?”

“Just kidding,” she assured him, and took his hand to lead him back upstairs. The truth was he’d tasted of salt, melancholy, and the Abbot’s beer – exactly as she would have expected for a man obsessed with his own mortality. Perhaps in the strictest definition, Jim was not a human being, but if that were the case he was a damned convincing simulation.

Natasha woke the next morning with her head on Jim’s shoulder and her hand on his abdomen. He was still asleep and breathing softly, which made her smile – if their lovemaking had done nothing else for him, it had at least tricked his body’s chemistry into putting him properly to sleep. Allen was already up and gone, leaving them alone in the room, but he must have seen them together and realized what it meant. Nat thought about that for a moment and decided she didn’t care. If he said anything, she’d just remind him that she was an adult who could do what she chose.

She reached for her phone to see what time it was, and found it was almost eight. She had voicemail.

It turned out to be from the French consulate in Cetinje. Madame Jones, the recording said. We will need you to bring that passport to us. We have located Madame Desrosiers and it seems she had a second copy of the passport, which is not allowed. We need to determine which is her real one.

Nat set the phone down and gave Jim a shake. “Hey, wake up,” she said.

“Hmm?” he asked, opening his eyes.

“Get dressed.” Nat swung her legs over the edge of the bed and reached for her discarded shirt. “We need to catch a bus.”

They found the others having breakfast at one of the tables in the square. There were still puddles on the cobblestones from last night’s rain, but they were evaporating fast in the morning sunshine. Shops were opening and the pigeons were out and about, snatching up bits of bread and bacon that fell from diners’ tables. Nat pulled a chair up to the table where her colleagues were, and pulled out her phone.

“Morning, everybody,” she said. “I got a reply from the consulate. They want us to turn in the passport, which may lead to Desrosiers being arrested, or might just make her run away again. It depends on how she hears about it. I’ve already called Fury and hopefully he can find out where she is, and we can track her down before the police do.”

This was greeted by silence. Jim, who’d sat down on Nat’s right, stared at the stanchions that divided the hotel dining area from the square. There was a pigeon perched on it, grooming, and he was pretending to be fascinated by that so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone.

“So let’s eat,” Nat added, “and then we’ll catch the bus to Cetinje.”

“Is there something you want to share with the group?” Sam asked cynically.

Natasha had figured from the way people were looking at her that Allen must have told everybody what he’d seen when he woke up. She’d hoped that getting right down to business would tell them that it wasn’t a subject for group discussion, but apparently that had failed.

“Since it’s evident that you all know already, no,” Nat replied. Although Sam was the one who’d asked the question, she answered it while looking directly at Allen, to let him know what she thought of him spreading the word.

He lowered his eyes, ashamed.

“Any more questions?” Nat asked.

Nobody had any.

“Good.” Nat picked up a menu. “Because I’m too hungry to answer them, anyway.”

The public transportation in Montenegro was extremely limited and not particularly dependable – the tourist buses, on the other hand, went everywhere and kept a rigid schedule, but were several times more expensive. Theoretically the CAAP were still on government business and therefore passing all their expenses on to the crown, so they bought seats on one of those. They rumbled off to Cetinje in air-conditioned comfort and to the droning of a tour guide who had obviously done this so many times she could have recited her spiel in her sleep.

Natasha was sitting next to Allen, with Sir Stephen and Jim behind them. There was a general lack of conversation on the bus, partly because of the guide’s amplified speech and partly because nobody could think of anything to say that wouldn’t have been awkward. Nat was growing increasingly annoyed with them. If she’d slept with Clint or Sir Stephen, that would have been a problem because the first had a wife and the second a girlfriend. If she’d slept with Sam, it would have been unworthy of comment because they were both single. The same should have been true of her and Jim.

The only thing that made Jim different was that he wasn’t quite human in the way the others were. Natasha could point that out, but doing so would make Jim uncomfortable – and he was plenty uncomfortable already.

It wasn’t until they actually got off the bus in Cetinje, a green and picturesque city among rolling hills on the edge of Lovcen National Park, that anybody really said anything. Even then, it seemed to be only because Sir Stephen couldn’t take the quiet any longer that he suddenly spoke.

Maybe it was also because he’d finally thought of something to say that wasn’t inappropriate and wouldn’t be taken as a condemnation of Nat and Jim’s behaviour. What he said was, “Buckeye did enjoy the company of women.”

“Yeah?” asked Jim.

“Oh, yes,” Sir Stephen agreed. “Everywhere we went together, he left broken hearts in his wake. He would often try to find a lady to keep me company, as well, but his efforts failed. In my youth I was not the sort they admired.”

“Well, that was their loss,” said Sam.

“None can see the future,” said Sir Stephen. He wasn’t bitter about it – Natasha remembered his story of how Lady Margaret had admired his bravery even before the Lady of the Lake had turned him into a warrior. “Buckeye had hoped to marry someday,” he went on. “He would need a wife to carry on his father’s line, as he was the only son who lived to adulthood.”

“That didn’t happen,” Jim observed, unnecessarily.

“No, it did not. So in a way, I suppose he might be glad to think he would be resurrected in some form, to give his lineage a second chance,” Sir Stephen said.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll be doing that for him,” Jim said quickly. “Perenelle did say I don’t have any human DNA.”

“And I couldn’t do my bit even if he could do his,” Nat added. The people who’d raised her in the Red Room had taken care of that.

“I didn’t mean that,” said Sir Stephen. “I only think he would be glad to know you exist at all, and gladder still that you and I have met.”

“This may come as a surprise,” Jim said, “but I actually don’t care what Sir James Buckeye would have thought of me. Based on what you’ve said about him, I don’t think I would have even liked him.”

#fanfic #natasha romanov #steve rogers #bucky barnes #sam wilson #sharon carter #clint barton

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rwise · 6 years

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Irrationally Successful - how to make a rational benefit work in irrational categories

What we know we ought to do and what we actually do are very different things in the lives of humans. Everyone who has ever tried to improve themselves learns this humbling truth.

People who make big and positive changes in their lives often say that the secret is to trick yourself into making these changes. If you focus your energy on avoiding what tempts you, then you’re still focused on the temptation. You need to find something else to wrap your busy mind around. It’s better to spend your energy on a new good habit than it is to “white knuckle” your renunciation of a bad one.

Knowing that something is better for us is pretty much useless. We have to fall in love with the change we’re making. Emotion drives us far more deeply than knowledge.

Why wouldn’t this also apply to brands as well?

If you have a new and improved version of something that involves making a sacrifice, wouldn’t you also try to trick your prospect into seeing it as something they must have on its own terms?

But many marketers lose sight of this. They are earnest and well-intentioned. They want to talk to consumers the same way they talk about their product or service inside their own organizations. “This is such a good idea. Everyone will be so much better off when they see how good it is. Isn’t that great? We are a force for good in the world.”

Well-intentioned…but potentially deluded.

Let’s look at five campaigns which all got stellar results by ignoring the rational argument and instead “tricked” their consumer into buying into it.

1. “Keep Texas Beautiful” becomes “Don’t Mess with Texas.”

Among the different states of America, Texas has one of the feistier cultural identities. In fact, it’s looked at to this day by the rest of the country as a swaggering, loud and assertive culture. And Texans take that in their stride.

But this was not on the minds of the Texas Transportation Authority. They were looking at their highways strewn with trash in the 1980s and they were deeply ashamed of their pitiful state.

They got a sizeable budget to run an anti-littering campaign. Signs would go up on highways and appeal to Texans, proud of their state’s natural beauty, that would say “Keep Texas Beautiful.”

And they even got an ad agency, one of Texas’s best, GSD&M to agree to create the campaign.

They conducted research into who has the highest rates of littering. The research turned up a prospect they called “Bubbas”: young men 18-35, masculine, brash, gun and pickup truck owners. They loved their state but didn’t connect with the idea of “Keep Texas Beautiful.” To them, it sounded like their grandmother talking and they weren’t thinking of their grandmother as they barreled down the highway with an empty beer bottle in their hands.

GSD&M conceived of a completely different message. “Don’t Mess with Texas.” And their target loved it. It has an implicit “F@*k You” to anyone who doesn’t “get” what Texas is all about. It appealed to their pride in order to compel them to make a humble behavior change.

When GSD&M presented the campaign, their client, still not really understanding the strategy, directed them to add the word “Please” before “Don’t Mess with Texas” so that it wouldn’t be rude. Fortunately, the agency prevailed and such a tragic mistake never happened.

Result: within 4 years, the campaign reduced littering by a staggering 72%.

2. Las Vegas: “More than Gambling” becomes “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.”

Las Vegas was one of the top vacation destinations in the U.S. but it wanted more. The Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority looked at how their city stacked up in the minds of vacation decision makers compared to cruise lines, Caribbean resorts, Hawaii and Cancun. Their research showed that the number one equity for Las Vegas was gambling and not everybody wanted to go somewhere just to gamble.

“We need a campaign that says there’s a lot more in Vegas than gambling,” they told their agency, R&R Partners. “Show people our modern airport, all the great entertainers we have in town, the superb hotels and fine dining, the spectacle of the beautiful desert and surrounding mountains. Find a catchy way to say, “Vegas is more than casinos,’ there’s your brief.”

But R&R Partners ignored the implicit direction to “clean up” Las Vegas and instead showed the client their research into what Vegas meant to people who went there: feeling more free to be someone they couldn’t be at home.

They came up with the idea of “What Happens Here, Stays Here.” They sidestepped the rational message of “more than gambling” and instead talked about Vegas like it was an anonymous club, some kind of “Eyes Wide Shut” experience. It neither talked about nor ignored gambling. Gambling became a subtext in a different kind of drama, one of escaping the normal boundaries of everyday life.

Result: the campaign grew holiday traffic to Las Vegas by 26%.

3. Miller Lite: from “beer with no carbohydrates” to “Tastes Great! Less Filling!”

There’s a reason it’s called a “beer belly.” For beer, such a marvelously comforting and sociable beverage, is loaded with carbohydrates. Drink 2 or 3 every day, and soon you’ll be sporting your own distended gut.

So the first drinkable beer with reduced carbohydrates should have made its owner a fortune, no?

No so fast, Gablinger’s Beer taught us. This was a good tasting beer that went out and told male beer drinkers, “Here’s a beer with essentially no carbohydrates.” And they pointed out, “It won’t fill you up.” But it bombed. And its flop convinced Anheuser Busch, the owners of the leading brand Budweiser to stay away from this category because its research showed that “real men don’t drink light beer.”

The category’s No. 2, Miller Brewing Company, saw AB’s reticence as an opening. They could do better than Gablinger’s and if they played their cards right, create a new sub-category and benefit from first mover advantage. They created a brand called Lite, which at first was kept separate from the Miller brand but, once successful would be integrated and known, as it is today, as Miller Lite.

Their agency, McCann at first, then Backer Spielvogel, came up with a way to position Lite beer as a brand “real men” could drink. They hired a whole bevy of famous athletes, ones known for their masculine charisma and jokey persona, and place them in old-fashioned pubs, taverns and corner bars. They would then engage in a favorite drinking pastime which is divide into teams and have a spirited argument. But this one wouldn’t be about which city has the best football team. It would be about what makes Lite beer so good. “Tastes great!” one team would shout while the other team would fire back, “Less filling!”

Now the “less filling” part of the proposition spoke to the primordial beer drinker. When you’re having a good time with your buddies, like the guys in the ads were clearly doing, why would you only drink one beer? With Miller Lite, you could keep on drinking and not feel heavy. It sounds stupid when it’s spelled out and you’re not even conscious of it when you watch the fun. But the message is planted. It’s not a “considerate” or “progressive” way of drinking beer. It’s a license to enjoy beer even more.

Result: Miller created the single biggest new category of beer in 50 years and established market dominance in this space. It would take the overall leader, Budweiser, more than ten painful years to catch up with Miller Lite and get its “fair share” for Bud Light.

4. Whole Foods Markets: from “health food store” to “Whole Paycheck.”

The story of Whole Foods Markets is not about an ad campaign but about a positioning created through the shopper experience.

In the 1970s, the first “health food stores” began to appear on college campuses and in neighborhoods with high concentrations of liberal-minded creative class. They were independent retailers who eschewed the colorful and manipulative-looking displays that mainstream grocers used. They would only sell foods that were rationally good for you, sold in sincere but unadorned packaging. Their shoppers were not there for hedonistic pleasure but to connect with their higher selves and affirm their belief in lives of health and sustainability.

In the 80s many progressive brands began to realize that there would be a fusion of the “fancy foods” and “health food” and began to make packaging with more of a sense of artisanal pleasure. And the first chains began to appear – including Whole Foods.

Whole Foods rode the trend and maneuvered into market dominance by making the shopping experience more beautiful and pleasurable than mainstream groceries. Having a Whole Foods store in your neighborhood became a badge of pride for the creative class everywhere. And Millennials began to jokingly refer to Whole Foods as “Whole Paycheck” for they knew that the experience of shopping there was so intoxicating you would not only buy much more than you had planned you would spend more just for the pleasure of bringing home absolutely perfect olives, cheeses and breads.

Result: the market leader in an entirely new space and one of the single most profitable grocery chains that has ever existed.

5. Durex: from “think about STDs and unwanted pregnancy” to “turn off to turn on”

The rational argument for wearing condoms is so powerful yet many men who should be wearing one aren’t. Having sex, for men, is a game of confidence. Anything that deflates the mood immediately drains away the spirit which propels lovemaking. Which is why the rational argument doesn’t work. It compels the executive brain to contemplate consequences at precisely the moment when the executive brain needs to be silent and let the reptilian brain take over.

So talking about a brand’s performance in comfortably preventing STDs and unwanted pregnancy is not going to create a strong consumer bond with the brand.

Which is why Reckitt Benckiser invests in campaigns which avoid the rational benefit of condoms and instead celebrate the joy of sexual intimacy.

The enemy is their latest global drive is not disease and unwanted pregnancy, it’s our mobile phones. The insight is that the mood for sex takes time to develop and if we’re all wrapped up in our texts, emails and Instagram, we never get there. Hence the slogan “Turn Off to Turn On.” (And the theme of “PLAY” for their mobile activations at music festivals perfectly fits this.) It’s ingenious, really. Suddenly, we’re thinking tenderly about real intimacy, without getting too high-minded about it (this is a condom after all). And we’re not thinking at all about the supposed rational benefit of condoms.

Result: Durex has achieved number one market share globally.

Putting it work for your brand

So what do these case histories teach us about being “irrationally successful?” Four rules of thumb stand out:

Check your brand purpose at the door. It’s great that you’ve got one. It gives your brand motive and soul. But be careful not to wear it on your sleeve and forget about the importance of being relevant and creative. Dove made that mistake with its “all shapes and sizes” packaging and it backfired. Pepsi did it with Kendall Jenner and the same happened. Having a brand purpose doesn’t give you an all access pass to your prospect’s interest and acceptance.

Understand why people use your category. What are the deep drivers? Have you studied these as deeply as the problem you’re trying to solve? How do these deep drivers relate to their own identity? Miller Lite knew that beer drinking was all about male bonding and their campaign celebrated that. Las Vegas figured out that a holiday is all about feeling free and found a way to embed its own unique proposition in that feeling.

Look at how your rational proposition connects with the deep drivers. Miller Lite let beer drinkers enjoy drinking even more. Texas made littering into a desecration of tribal pride. Vegas celebrated the escapism of gambling but made into something much more. How might you achieve a similar effect for your brand?

Embed your proposition in culture. Durex made the Internet the enemy, not STDs. “Turn Off to Turn On” has pop cultural resonance. Same with “Don’t Mess with Texas” and “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.” It’s not enough to be relevant. You can be relevant and still be boring. Creativity is the key here. And it takes creativity to see the connection between your proposition and something happening in local or global pop culture that your brand can capitalize on. Look for it and you’ll find it.

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