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the-fourth-knower · 3 years

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Diary of a lost doe, part 1

A short fic where my character Annabelle writes in diaries

Fresh off losing her parents, Annabelle Flaches must contend with trying to fend for herself and her baby sister Angelica. And with Angelica talking to a mysterious green orb when she thinks Annabelle isn’t watching, things are only at the tip of the iceberg.

This is for me and Aquillis’s “half and half” AU, our ‘main’ AU. not to be confused with Aqui’s pack universe which is her underground re-write.

Due to the length I'm splitting this into two parts. This is part 1, part 2 is here!

Diary Enry 1, Day I dunno.

Okay here it is. First diary entry I guess. Gotta keep it brief, writing instruements are hard.

Been a few months since that day. We’re doing fine. Angie started another garden. Moved to a new spot.

Got some new things for the house. Old car door and a tire. Not sure what I’ll do with the tire gonna use the door as part of wall.

Finished roof this morning. Good thing 2, might rain.

Angie still sleps bad if not next to me. Writing while she’s curled up. Wasn’t for scars on ear and having to sleep in same clothes she’d look like we’re still home.

Gotta sleep now.

Diary Entry 2

Maybe got a job. Illegal probs but $ is $

Angelica talked more today. Good sign? Maybe she relapses back into not talking but progress.

I never thought i’d miss her annoying stupid “hey lets go explore a cave and not tell anyone bout what we’ll do” self. Never thought about losing mum and pa ei

Shit crying. Bye.

Diary entry 3

Diary didn’t get too wet yesterday.Don’t think bout mom and pa it ends badly.

I can’t afford to break down even if Angie’s sleeping

If I break down then Angie will get upset

I won’t put her through it

I won’t

…

Diary entry 54

Had to leave town but am 600 $ richer

Angie’s quiet again. But she didn’t complain bout us leavin

gonna go for a city maybe. more risk but more money and places to live.

Jadetown’s the city. Dunno too much bout it but mum liked it.

Should get there in maybe a cuple weeks or so

Angie’s sound asleep. No kicking or anything so that’s good

Hope the city’s okay. Angie hates crowds.

Need somewhere with not a lot of crowds to live at

…

Diary Entry 63

Been a hot second. Settling in Jadetown’s pretty hard.

Find a quiet spot in the slums. Pretty shitty now, but the two of us can make it work

Angie still isn’t talking, but she kept close to me while we made our way through the crowds. She seemed fine as long as she held my hand

Lost her a couple times, but not for long. She seemed upset bout it.

Sorry Angie.

I’ll do better. I promise.

...

Diary Entry 169 (it’s the morning but fuck it)

The nightmare happened again.

Angelica having her ear scared by those monsters. mum and pa being taken away in exchange for us being set loose

Only it loops around and around before it’s just cries and blood and knives and screams and crying and they’re all surrounding me judging me for just failing everyone because you’re a fucking failure

Haven’t had it a while. Don’t upset yourself, Angie needs you.

Diary entry 169? Night

Angelica almost killed some street thugs.

we caught some dumbass looking punks bullying some sort of chao. I think it’s a chao

I ran up to one like an idiot and gout in their face to know what they’re doin, and the things went dark. I got knocked out on my ass, apparenlty the big brute that led them butted me in the head. Asshole didn’t even let me get ready

I came to to Angie trying to shake me awake. When I looked around the punks were gone, there were plant vines all over, and the other kids that had gathered were a mix of crapped their pants and mouths on the floor

I asked angie bout it and she just said she took care of them and that the punks had run off

What the hell did she do? Usually I’m the one saving her? But she was having none of it today.

Oh the chao’s fine, weirdass chao though. Never seen chao that just cause flowers to grow around them or in their footsteps.

Made 30 $

Rib’s hurting and headache, Angie fast asleep. Time for bed.

Diary Entry 170

Chao’s bak.

Visited Angie’s garden for a while watchin me watchin it. It waved and left right around Angie gettin up.

Showed up again when we got back home. Angie hasn’t seen it yet. Good thing, she wanted to bring it with us. We can’t afford three mouths.

I don’t like it. We save its ass and now its stalking us.

Made nothin.

Ribs hurt less. Still a bitch.

Diary entry 171

Angie’s found the “chao”

She talked to it all morning when she thought i was napping. Couldn’t sleep, too afraid of bad dreams.

It doesn’t make chao sounds. Or it does but really weird ones.

Then it turned a green light ball for a bit and back into a chao

Angie liked that.

I don’t trust it. Even less.

Need to watch it.

Angie’s relaxed.

Made 5$.

Diary Entry 172 morn

Nightmare again

Diary Entry 172 night

Angie got excited, claimed that she “found Trevor”

he lived near us back in our old home

Had to tell her no, every red mouse we see is not Trevor.

She says that Trevor and his family were gonna move here, pretty inistent too.

Man she gets caught up on the smallest things

Made 20$

Diary Entry 173

Chao returned while i was working. Left Angie on her own

Shes seemed like she was having a fun time being able to talk with someone

She’s not made friends much. Maybe i’m being too hard on the ‘chao’

Still gotta watch it. It could be manipulating her

Haven’t told her I know bout the chao yet.

Should i?

Not now. Angelica is sleeping.

Made 5$

Diary Entry 174

‘Trevor’ spotting 2. Angie wanted to go bug the person. So we went and sure enough as we got closer Angie changed her mind. It was a rat, not a mouse she said.

How can she tell the difference?

No Angie and chao visit. Unless it was while i slept in. but why would she be secretive bout it?

Saw the punk bitch again today. Looked like he crapped his pants when he saw Angie and she glared at him. That’s my sister.

Made 60$

…

Diary Entry 364

Got a new diary. Last entry for this one. Things going well. Got a good thing going for myself.

Angie found a new plant today, and now she’s got it in her garden.

Loved the look on her face when I got it for her.

Made 50$

Angelica’s chatted with the Chao again. Sort of like, is her guardian I think. Or is that its name

Guess good bye diary 1. Really weird to do but it feels right.

Angie’s sleeping well enough on her own. She mumbles but that seems it.

Do I do a good job keeping her safe

Diary 2 Entry 1

Managed to find a new diary. Keeping the old one just cause, and because I have the storage. For a couple of street bum does, we’ve got a decent enough house going. Been able to put it together from bits and bobs lying around, Angie even threw in her hat and added her own touches.

Looks ugly as hell with the plants holding things together and it’s all a mish mash of junk and crap I found, but it’s our mishmash of junk and crap.

Also saved up enough and am making enough to afford more than one pen and even some pencils. So I can write more often. Just felt like writing

Angie’s started to get more vocal again. I think she’s catching onto the fact the way I’ve been making money is less than honest a lot of the time.

I’m not going to sell myself for it though. I’m not degrading myself with that and nayone who fucking tries is going to a hospital.

And if any of those freaks dare go near Angie there won’t be enough left for a morgue to pick up.

Oh, and the chao’s still around. I can feel it. Angelica loves it, I think. I don’t trust it entirely, yet. But, it hasn't been a danger for the past months. So I think it’s actually a good thing.. Angie calls it Guardian. Maybe it's our own Guardian Angel.

Made 65$ today.

Good journal entry me. You got talkative. Writative? Whatever.

...

Diary 2 Entry 23

Got into a fight today, that was fun. The punks from when I helped save Guardian decided to jump me when Angelica was at the house. Guess they figured they could jump me without little sis to back me up. Too bad for them, when I don’t get suckered I’m damn good at defending myself. Sent them packing. Got a bit bruised. Why is it always the ribs with those guys.

Admittedly. I didn’t have to beat the crap out of them. But talk shit get hit, I say. They shouldn’t have been trash talking me when I was walking by.

Angelica was upset when I got back. Should’ve expected that, really. Don’t know why I didn’t think she would notice me being hurt, she’s got a sixth sense for that sort of thing. Always has. Kinda weird.

But, she did try and heal me a bit. Somehow, she’s gotten better at it -Ever since she's met Guardian, she’s gotten more control over that healing ability she has. I just need to make sure she doesn’t overdo herself again.

I don’t know anything much bout healing magic or whatever it is, but I don’t think what Angie has is normal. I think she uses herself for it. Whatever healing she tries to do just eats away at her. And whatever it was was enough to frighten Pa to move us in the first place

I think part of me might blame ANgie for it. For getting us out of the safety of where we lived near Agateton and moving.

But if we didn’t move would we really have been safe still. And it wasn’t Angie’s fault she did what she did, it was Pa who pushed for it and Mum who went with it.

So do I blame them? I don’t want to. The monsters that took them and hurt Angie are the ones to blame.

But they wouldn’t have found us if we didn’t move near that forest. But Mum and Pa couldn’t have seen it coming.

Ugh. brain hurts. Fuck this mind screw bullshite

Spent 123.54$ today. Groceries and supplies. Tampons are stupid expensive but I want to have a decent supply for when we need them. Also some food.

Made 13$. Gonna need to work more to recoup.

No idea if Angie talked with Guardian. She still thinks I don’t know anythin bout it.

At least, I think she doesn’t. She gets defensive and acts like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

I wonder why she does that. Wonder if it’s tied with how I react to her saying she’s found Trevor for the umpteenth time.

Maybe I should press her bout it. But I don’t want to get her worked up over nothin.

Okay that’s enough, my mind’s getting wandering now and I stay up if I do that.

...

Diary 2 Entry 54

Someone showed up with a bunch of robots earlier. Cause quite the commotion, sent people running, the usual.

Apparently he set up shop in the rich quarter and is causing all sorts of troubles. People have been coming to and fro a lot the past few days.

Angie got worried over explosions. Had to calm her down, explain that whatever it was probably wasn’t coming here. She asked me bout the people there and if they needed help - told her that someone would take care of the rich fops. That’s what they do after all. Who gives a shit about two practically orphaned kids.

Not sure if she bought it. Gotta keep an eye on her. Might need to pull an all nighter.

And we don’t have any energy drinks or coffee. I could go grab one, no one is gonna give a shit if I do, not in this current environment.

Gotta stop for now. Gotta focus on Angie not some stupid book.

Entry 55

Angie’s missin

#Knower writes #Sonic #Sonic Fic #Sonic the Hedgehog #Annabelle Flaches #Angelica Flaches #didn't realize it'd be so long #guess that's what happens if I just let myself write something #but I had fun writing this #hope everyone enjoys this first part

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marmolady · 3 years

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Homecoming: Part Two

Continued from PART ONE

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC, Graleister, Variego

Summary: Endless Ending. Back on La Huerta for the first time since the world's resurrection, there are some heart-to-hearts with old friends in order.

Word Count: 4680

Chronology: After 'The New Taylor' and 'A Ride to Remember', sort of midway through 'Inheritance'.

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @greengroove @mauvecatfic

Thanks for reading!

“Howdy there, pilot. Have you thought of a name for her yet?” Taylor asked as she stepped into the cockpit, squinting as she adjusted to the bright light that shone through the large windows as they soared over the Caribbean.

“You comin’ in here to annoy me is just part and parcel of my La Huerta jobs now, ain’t it?”

“Oh, Top Gun, so sentimental,” she teased-- but really, like she could talk.

Jake rested his hands behind his head and looked out over a familiar green spot in the blue expanse, now fast approaching. “Well, she’s no ‘Delilah’, that’s for sure. If something comes to me, it comes to me. But like I say, it ain’t the same. It’s not as if you people are about to let me hide from the world with this baby as my only friend.”

“Damn straight.”

“Thought as much. Well, everything’s reading as normal; think we might make it, sans freaky storms this time.” Jake turned to his visitor with a smirk. “I’m still gonna want you to get your ass in a seat. A landing’s a landing.”

Safely in her seat-- Estela by her side, and little Fenix in a pet carrier tucked against the seat in the next aisle-- Taylor felt her stomach doing violent flip-flops as the green spot in the ocean came closer, beginning to take on detail. Rivers she’d bathed in snaking out to the sea, Atropo looming, and the now-abandoned Celestial-- still standing by all appearances unchanged-- in its shadow.

Estela was calm and quiet, contemplative as the small plane descended. So much about this journey was familiar, and yet, everything had changed. This time, marching towards her destiny wasn’t a lonely trail to a foregone violent conclusion; this time, the future was all a big unknown other than the fact that it would be anything but lonely. She wove her fingers with Taylor’s, feeling nerves flowing through, and gently squeezed.

“Almost there, querida.”

With a gentle bump, the plane was on the ground, and Taylor gave a small sigh of relief. She didn’t want to be rude about Jake’s flying ability, but until that point, she’d finished every ride with him in either a crash, a near crash… or plummeting into the sea. That she was something of a nervous flyer was, she thought, pretty damn reasonable.

In no time at all, the cabin door had been swung open, and the warm Caribbean air welcomed the small group home.

“And here I was worried I’d need to replace another plane. It seems the pilot can fly one of these things after all; that’s a fiver I owe you, Grace.”

“He of little faith,” Grace laughed, though it was quite clear she was at least somewhat giddy with relief. “Jake knows what he’s doing.”

No sooner had Taylor set her feet on La Huerta soil than a familiar figure was running towards her, streaking out of the cover of the foliage at the side of the runway.

“Diego! Ohmygod!”

Diego flung his arms around his friend and held her tight. Last he’d seen her, she’d only just clawed herself back from death’s door; Taylor was going to get hugged, and she was going to get hugged hard.

Estela set out into the humid air, immediately aware of the sounds of the jungle; insects and birds, rustling of leaves. Even the smell of the soil was distinctly La Huerta. She hadn’t expected to feel like this, but… she was home.

_____________________________

An almost comically deep miaow made Estela jump. Engrossed in what she’d been writing-- and the frustrated doodles she’d been swirling on a separate piece of paper-- she hadn’t noticed Taylor’s cat, Madam, joining her on the wooden bench outside their home.

“I must be making myself crazy, hey Mierdita? I guess you’re here to make sure my senses stay sharp… or you’ve come to complain to me about Nixie.”

“Mow.”

Estela giggled and scooped the little cat, presently bright orange in colour, though that was subject to change, and hugged her to her chest. It was nice to have the company. Taylor was down on the beach, catching up with Diego for the first time in far too long. And what Estela was doing… for the most part, she needed to be left in her own space to do it. The little cat might have been a distraction, but from the number of doodles Estela had scribbled, it looked as though her productivity had already peaked for the time being.

“You’ll just have to learn to forgive Taylor. You know she likes to surround herself with lots of friends.”

Madam nimbly climbed her way up onto Estela’s shoulder, and enthusiastically rubbed against her face.

“I’m glad I can make you feel better. I guess I wasn’t getting anywhere with writing this anyway….”

With a little sigh, she tucked the unfinished letter in her hoodie. She’d written so many letters to her mother-- one for every week she’d been working here on the island-- but to find the words to say goodbye, to get some kind of closure, did not come easy. Maybe with a little more time to think….

“Hello?”

Estela looked up to see Varyyn outside the front of the house. “Haalta, Varyyn. I’m round the side.”

With a low growl, Madam ducked down into Estela’s hood and pressed herself against her neck. She eyed their visitor with great suspicion from her perch.

“It looks like your little friend is happy to have you back,” Varyyn said as he approached, “--and less pleased to see me.”

“Don’t worry; she has a lot to say, but it’s all talk. She won’t bite.”

Varyyn, rather daringly in Estela’s view-- though he did regularly hang around with a hulking smilodon, so maybe he was just good with cats-- reached and tickled Madam under her chin.

“I have been wanting to find you,” he said. “Diego had told me you were preparing a memorial for your mother.”

‘’S a long time coming,” Estela grunted. “And maybe it’ll be a long time still; I don’t want to do anything extravagant, but it’s got to be right.”

“That is fair. I hope I am not disturbing you.”

“No, no. I don’t mind,” she said, gentler. “So long as it’s in progress. Finally. I couldn’t exactly get any kind of closure until I’d dealt with Rourke, and then… I needed to go home. I dunno… maybe it was easier to feel it as anger, because the sadness was too much to bear if I let it take its place. When I let myself really feel it….” A tear rolled down her face, and she brushed it away. “I don’t know if I can say I’m at peace with it all… I don’t think I ever really can be. But I’m better. I brought over the letters Mom sent me when she was here on the island, to bury. And I then thought of writing again… to say goodbye. All I’ve gotta do now is find the words. Anyway,” she finished hurriedly, “you wanted me for something?”

Varyyn nodded sagely. It wasn’t lost on him the intimacy of what was being shared. Perhaps the violent death of his own mother had given Estela a sense of tragic kinship with him?

“Seraxa and I talked at great length. It had… troubled me that there had been no acknowledgement of your mother’s sacrifice. She must have felt very alone standing against the Hydra, but we will not see that bravery forgotten now.”

He reached into his satchel, and brought out a neatly folded set of clothes.

“To wear the traditional uniform of our warriors is the greatest of honours. We wish to pay tribute to your mother as a hero to the Vaanti, if you will accept this gift.”

Estela’s eyes grew wide, and her bottom lip wobbled. “I--- um, thank you.” That’s the best you can manage? “I… don’t know what to say. Thank you.” In Varyyn’s nod of understanding, the look in his eyes, it was plain to see he felt the depth of her gratitude.

A gentle smile came to Varyyn’s face, as though he was relieved. “It is your choice whether you would like to wear this in her honour, or simply keep it as part of your memorial.”

Her cheeks flushed, Estela hugged the folded uniform to her chest. There were just… no words to adequately say what the gesture meant. For Estela’s own protection, any trace of Olivia Montoya’s connection to Everett Rourke had been wiped from record; and with it, all evidence of the courageous last stand taken. But here she was remembered.

“I don’t think I’ve told you…,” Estela choked out after a little while. “I mean, it’s not as if I’m the best conversationalist… I don’t know what to say to people half the time.” She shook her head. “But, anyway, I always found you impressive. When your mother died… it was sudden, and brutal, and somehow you had the strength to honour her by taking up her mantle. Immediately. And you always seemed so together, however much you were crumbling on the inside. You had to be.”

“I had good friends to lean on. And I had Diego.” Varyyn chucked darkly. “It is terrible, but when you all came back through the gate, as much I was very sad for you all, and for Diego, that everything you knew and loved was gone… there was a very selfish part of me….” He stalled.

“Fair enough,” Estela said, not about to force him to finish a clearly uncomfortable sentence. “It had only been a couple of days. How’s anyone supposed to bear that much loss? While carrying the expectations and fears of your people? Diego gave you comfort when you needed it most. And… then you gave him the same.”

“Yes.”

Having that shoulder; it made all the difference. It made living through the worst of horrors bearable, and then, somehow… it made the act of living on, in hope, possible. Varyyn had Diego. She, Estela, had her Taylor. And they all had one another.

“We’re lucky we found the right people.”

___________________________

As she slogged through the soft white sand, Taylor wasn’t sure what was going to give out first, her legs or her lungs. Using her best friend’s hand as an anchor, she kept on putting one foot in front of the other.

“Hey, Taylor, you know, it might be easier to have a real conversation if we sat down for a bit.”

Diego was polite and tactful, but what he meant was clearly; ‘You are an absolute wreck; sit down before you put yourself in an early grave’.

Taking the hint, Taylor flopped down heavily, squinting against the bright sun as she tried to get herself comfortable. While she struggled to get her breath back, Diego sat himself down close by, patiently letting her recover.

“I swear the beaches in San Trobida aren’t so much of a work-out,” Taylor said apologetically. “Not as soft. I have actually gotten a lot fitter, if you can believe it.”

Diego put a hand on her shoulder. “I can actually. You did a pretty good job of covering up how much you were struggling those last few days you were here, but I really don’t think you were fooling anyone. You do look better. Last time I saw you, it was hard not to get the impression that one stiff wind could have you over.”

Taylor snorted with laughter. “Damn, and I thought I put up a good front.”

“Not remotely. You are incredible, my friend, but a talented actor you are not.”

This was wonderful. The warmth of the sun of her body, and the easiest of company. Taylor reclined back, her arms propping her up in the sand from behind.

“Well, now that I’m not having to focus on not falling over… how’ve you really been?”

Diego stared wistfully out to sea, all the while playing with a little lock of his hair that Varyyn had braided for him. “’How have I really been’ as in not the brush-off, ‘oh, I’m good’ answer?”

“Yep. And I promise I’ll keep my own bullshit in check as fair trade.”

“Okay. If that’s how we’re doing this.” Diego fiddled with his hair for a little while longer as he contemplated his answer… and where to start. “I’m good.” As Taylor rolled her eyes, he added quickly; “ I am good.”

“Yeah?”

“Going back home was the best thing I could have done; it made me realise just how much I actually belong here. I’ve found my people. And Varyyn. I don’t have to tell you how cut up I was to be away from him; you could see it. Heck, even Grandma Bhandarkar saw it-- I have never been force-fed so much in my life, and I grew up with my abuela!”

Taylor chuckled. She was eternally grateful that the extended Catalyst family had been there for Diego when she couldn’t be, through one of the most pivotal periods in his life. “Did you… did you manage to talk to your parents at all?” she ventured gently.

With a sad smile, Diego shook his head. “I called from Raj’s place. I did speak to my dad, and honestly it was better than I expected. But he said Mom’s not ready.”

“Oh, Diego….”

“No, I knew she wouldn’t be ready.” He gave a little sigh. “That big, scary conversation’s done now, though, and I feel kind of… lighter. Like… I can start to accept how things are. If Mom and Dad were ever going to accept who I am, you’d think the year and a half I’d disappeared off the face of the earth would have done the trick.”

Taylor put an arm around Diego as he sniffed. “You know it’s all them, yeah? None of this is on you.”

“Yeah… I know. I came back here and… Varyyn just looked at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world. I could not have felt more loved. So, yeah-- I’m good.”

“So,” Taylor said gently, “what happens next? Do you still want to come back to Hartfeld with us in September?”

Diego huffed out a long exhale. Now, that was a question.

“The only really honest answer I can give you is… I don’t know. Could not be more conflicted.”

“That’s… that’s fair.”

“I keep thinking about that vision we saw when I took my action figures from Vaanu. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be that comfortable in my own skin, but it wasn’t like I was just seeing it-- I could feel it.”

“Yeah. It was kind of, just… radiating off you. You were just one-hundred percent genuine Diego, no holes barred… and everyone just loved you for it.”

“Look, I know that whole thing was just Vaanu trying to manipulate you into sacrificing youself--”

“Diego--”

“No, it’s okay. Because even if that’s all it was, it doesn’t matter. The more time I’m here with Varyyn… and people are respecting me as me-- you should see the queues of kids that form when I re-tell the original Star Wars trilogy….”

Taylor chuckled fondly.

“...The more I realise that, actually, that could be me. If I wanted it.”

“That really could be you. Without a shadow of a doubt. It would just mean…”

“Leaving Varyyn? Shattering both our hearts into a million pieces? Yeah, that’s the sticking point.”

Putting her head on Diego’s shoulder, Taylor offered what support she could. “What… what does he think?”

“He really loves me, so he’s unhelpfully understanding about the whole thing. It would be so much easier to know what I should do if he’d just say he’d rather I stay here!”

“So inconsiderate.”

“But, well, he said how much I light up when I talk about what I saw in that vision. And he lights up when he talks about that,” Diego said with a resigned laugh. “He says if I stay here, I shouldn’t be giving up every part of me.”

“He’s right,” Taylor said. “It’s you he fell in love with, and it’s you the hordes of Vaanti children seek out whenever they need smiles put on their faces. One way or another, I think you should always feed the real you. ‘Cause that guy’s pretty great.”

Diego glanced away, bashful, but unable to hide his smile. Again, he started playing with his hair.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough, Taylor. How about it’s your turn. Do you have a plan? I guess Vaanu didn’t bother showing you what a future on Earth could look like, hey?”

Taylor gave a soft humph. “No, they certainly did not. That’s something I’m just going to have to figure out myself.” She frowned. “They just showed me enough to put the pressure of ensuring the happiness of everyone I love on my shoulders,” she said bitterly.

Catching her tone, Diego raised an eyebrow. “That’s really getting to you.”

“Yeah,” she heaved. For a moment, she considered what she wanted to share. “Look, I haven’t exactly talked about this before…. All those visions I saw, just about all of them showed you guys rocking your dream careers. Except for, well….” She trailed off, sadly.

“Except for Estela and Aleister, right? Now you mention it, that does kinda say a lot about the impact Rourke had.”

“Exactly. It makes me so… so angry,” she said, than added with a dry laugh, “I don’t have the energy to be angry. Seeing you all die in my dreams doesn’t help either; all I can think is that he did all that. ”

“So, you’ve put it out there now. Maybe that’ll help you move past it?”

“I sure hope so. Letting that fester isn’t going to be healthy for me, and it sure as hell won’t do Estela any favours. She’s been amazing. There’s been so much she’s had to move through. I think I’ve been so focused on her that it only just recently sank in how much I’m simmering in hate for that bastard. And I don’t want to let it out and feed into her own feelings. Does… that make sense?”

“That sounds pretty natural,” Diego assured. “Being protective of your family is pretty much wired into you; kinda makes sense that it would get you all fired up-- and that you want to shield Estela from even more hurt and anger. I’m here, you know. If ever you need a best friend to off-load on; I’m your man.”

“Thanks,” Taylor said softly, and boy, did she mean it. A little smile came to her face at the sound of Furball yipping as he chased a euphoric Fenix up and down the shoreline. Bad feelings passed quickly, for there was just too much beauty in the world she had fought for and won. “All things considered, I’m doing really well. Since I ramped up the self-care, I’m getting less nightmares-- I know they’re not proper nightmares, it’s just my brain replaying memories that aren’t even all mine. But they’ve gotten better.”

Diego shook his head, incredulous. “Honestly, I don’t know how you managed to sleep with that going on at all.”

“With great difficulty is how,” Taylor laughed. “Poor Estela is now pretty used to me waking her up, screaming and crying.” She smiled softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without her; she has this magic way of just… chasing away all the horrors. I guess it’s because I feel safe when she’s holding me.”

“N’aww!” Diego’s eye twinkled. “I really am the best wingman around. I’ll happily accept tips for match-making services given.”

Taylor snorted. “I feel like we can take some of the credit, but fine, thanks for the help. I’ve seen hundreds of different versions of me and Estela falling in love… and it’s surprising how many times it was you who gave me the push.”

“So, you really do owe me one.”

“I really do.”

Fenix ran over, panting heavily, and flopped down into Taylor’s lap. A little way behind, Furball trotted after.

“Hey, Diego?”

“You’re missing your buff wife?”

“That, and I’m absolutely starving. You wanna head back to Catalyst Village?”

Diego looked out at the darkening sky. This day had flown. No doubt, the days to come would fly too, and in no time at all he’d be faced with leaving Varyyn… again. Then his stomach growled loudly.

“Apparently, you’re not the only one. Come on-- d’you need a piggy-back?”

Indignant, Taylor plopped Fenix down in the sand and got to her feet. “I certainly do not.”

“Okay… reframing that. Would you like a piggy-back?”

Ooh, that smirk. “Oh, all right,” she relented. “In the time it would’ve taken me to walk back, I’d have already died of hunger.”

So, they made their way back up the beach; Diego giving a more-weary-than-she’d-care-to-let-on Taylor… and their two furry companions leading the charge, drawn home by the scent on the wind of food being cooked over an open fire.

___________________________

“A toast!” Aleister pronounced loudly, holding aloft a glass of Breath of the Moon. As his friends and family around the fire raised their matching cocktails, he thrust his own glass ever-higher with slightly-tipsy gusto. “To new beginnings! To reuniting with comrades! To bringing about justice!”

Estela leaned over and whispered in Taylor’s ear. “You see why I thought you should only take a little sip of this stuff?”

Taylor sniggered. “I’d make a toast to the fact that we have a whole house to ourselves again.It’s gonna be a lot easier to get our sex on when your brother and sister-in-law aren’t in the next room.”

Giving her wife an exaggerated wink, Estela huddled closer, delighting in the giggle she stirred. Somehow, everything felt easier here. It was is if just to be in this place brought her back to the best of herself, to the sense of peace within herself that had once felt like an impossibility. Now, with Taylor, in their home and surrounded by people they loved, it was an inevitability. This time would refresh her-- it would them both-- and ready them for the greater steps that lay ahead.

It seemed the feeling was catching,for everyone was relaxed and laughing as they cooked skewers over the crackling fire and sipped their cocktails. In the firelight, Varyyn’s face seemed to glow with affection for his beloved husband beside him-- who himself was bubbling over with the simple pleasure of being surrounded by friends. Estela wondered about the two of them… what the future might hold. A year could go by so quickly-- she learned that the had way when she’d been counting down to Taylor’s self-sacrifice-- but away from the one you loved, time would stretch agonisingly. She did not envy the choice Diego was faced with; that they were now with him to offer support though that… that mattered.

Opposite them, Jake was back to ribbing Aleister, something even more fun now that the target was a little sozzled. No amount of back-and-forth teasing could hide the genuine --rather unlikely-- friendship that had formed; Aleister, blessed with both wealth and contacts in high places, had made himself a pivotal force in the fight to clear Jake’s name. The more Estela had gotten to know her unexpected sibling, the more it became obvious to her that at his heart, Aleister was driven by the same protectiveness of those dear to him that powered her. It was something, she’d come to realise, that Rourke had cemented into them both-- not through any passing of genes, but by fierce resistance to the poison he’d inflicted. It had taken time… and it had been painful, but in their budding kinship, Estela had found undeniable comfort.

Taylor took Estela’s hand, and laid a weary head on her shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you,” Estela laughed softly. She could feel the smile on Taylor’s face; so open and radiant, full of tenderness for the people surrounding her, and it spoke wonders.

With her free hand, Taylor gently chinked her glass to Estela’s.

“Cheers. To being home.”

“To being home.”

#endless summer #playchoices #estela montoya #estela x mc #diego soto #varyyn #variego #aleister rourke #jake mckenzie

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edendaphne · 4 years

Text

“Discordant Sonata”- Ch. 15

Have some quarantine reading material!!

>>Read it here on Ao3<< >>Read it here on Wattpad<<

CHAPTER 15: BRAVURA

Music glossary: Bravura - (from Italian “bravery/spirit”) Style of music in which the performer plays boldly, requiring exceptional agility and technical skill in execution.

(Mood music: “For the Love of a Princess” - James Horner )

Sunday Evening

Marinette knocked on the guest bedroom door, or rather, on Chat Noir’s bedroom door, as it had now officially become.

“Come in! It’s open,” she heard from the other side.

Marinette’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Odd, she thought. For someone who was supposed to be guarding a secret identity at all costs, one would think that Chat would always keep the door locked. First the “bathroom incident” and now this? She wondered what his aversion to locked doors was all about.

Marinette peeked her head into the room and saw him at his desk, writing in a notebook.

“Hey Kitt–uhh, Chat Noir, dinner will be ready in a minute. Would you care to join us?”

Chat’s cat ears perked up. “I’d love to! Thanks! I’ll help set the table in a sec.”

“What are you up to?” she asked, sitting at the edge of his bed.

Chat swiveled his chair around to face her. “Oh, it’s...” he grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck to ease the stiffness there. “I was doing some calculations, figuring out a monthly budget and that kind of thing. Trying to figure out how much all my bills will cost.”

“Me-owch,” Marinette cringed. “Sounds suuuuper fun.”

“Yeah, definitely,” he replied with matching sarcasm. “It’s actually been more complicated than I thought.”

“How so?” she asked.

He let out a long sigh. “Well… this is gonna sound weird, but my father as a civilian is, uh… pretty well-known. There’s a lot of people who would recognize me. Any potential employers would be getting in contact with him, asking him questions, or even give him an idea of where to find me. So I can’t apply to jobs as my normal self.” He ran his gloved hand through his hair in exasperation. “But where could I possibly get a job as ‘Chat Noir’?? ‘He’ can’t start a bank account, has no birth certificate, driver’s license, address, phone number. I’d have to get hired under the table, but I might run into some shady people. They might take advantage of the situation, and there’d be nothing I could do to contest them. Or they might try to use me to get free advertisement, and then my father would know where to find me anyway. Ugh, it’s all just a mess,” he groaned. “Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure I’ll figure something out, so don’t worry.”

Marinette hummed, thinking. “Well, actually…” she said, tapping her chin. “Since the school year’s starting up again, a couple of our full-timers are switching to part-time to accommodate their university schedules; so the bakery will need some extra help. Obviously you wouldn’t be able to work at the front of the store, attending to customers and whatnot. But there’s still cleaning, washing, and heavy lifting that needs to be done behind the scenes. So if that sounds alright with you, we can talk to my parents about it. I’m sure they’d be happy to have you aboard.”

“Really??” Chat’s head shot up and he chirped excitedly, accidentally dropping his pen in the process. “Th-that would be great! I’ll work really hard, promise! Are you sure it would be okay?”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll say yes! My mom’s already taken quite a liking to you; she’s always talking about how polite and sweet you are.” Chat’s ears perked up and his cheeks reddened upon hearing this, which she found much too adorable. “And I’m sure my dad’s slowly coming around; I can tell, even though he’s stubborn.” She reached over and squeezed his hands. “I’ll put in a good word for you,” she said with a wink.

“You will?!” he replied with a laugh. “Best job reference ever!!” He hopped out of his chair, then bent over and wrapped her up into a tight hug. “You’re the best, Marinette. Seriously.”

She shook off her initial surprise and squeezed back, smiling wide.

“Anything for a friend.”

Dinnertime went over even better than Marinette had hoped. When the subject of a job was broached, Marinette’s mother took to the idea immediately and, citing the need for some extra muscle, eventually managed to win over her father.

Thus, they hired Chat Noir on the spot for part-time work, adding a few extra household chores in lieu of charging him rent. Marinette could hardly contain herself when she saw Chat’s face as he heard that; he looked like he’d won the lottery. And if anyone else had noticed how his eyes got misty and his voice began to quiver as he thanked them, nobody had mentioned it.

After dinner, Marinette invited Chat Noir upstairs to her bedroom, saying she needed help picking out the perfect outfit for her first day back to school. Truth be told, she really did need to choose an outfit; but it was mostly an excuse to hang out with him and serve as a distraction from his stressful circumstances.

Behind his cheerful smile and never ending stream of jokes, he always carried such a lonesome air about him. She’d never noticed it until that first night; the night they danced during the ballroom akuma attack. Or rather, she’d never allowed herself to open up to the possibility that he might be suffering. It would have made fighting him much more difficult had she known.

But as they swayed to the music that night, she could feel the melancholy in his voice, how it seemed to be yearning for more, and she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

It was shocking to her; mind-blowing, even. Not the same shock as one might get from a slap in the face, but rather like she’d woken up from a deep sleep. And yet, even then, she never could have anticipated how things would’ve unraveled from that day forward. They had come a long way, and there was still much more ahead of them.

In any case, he was sure to appreciate an evening goofing around with his new roommate, to get his mind off of both his superhero problems and his civilian worries.

“So, what do you think?” she asked as she peered into her closet. “Classy? Trendy? Girly? Vintage? Boho chic?”

Chat furrowed his brows, cocking his head in uncertainty. “I dunno… You’d look great in anything! Just close your eyes and grab something, and voila!”

She wrinkled her nose at him. “What if I grab my fuzzy, pink bathrobe?”

“You’d look great in that too! ‘Comfy chic’, the newest trend on all the cat- walks!” he grinned cheekily.

She rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, you dork, be serious! I wanna look good!”

“But you already look good!” he said, lifting his arms and motioning up and down her entire length for emphasis. “You’d even look good in a burlap sack. I mean it! You’re really cute, Marinette! Besides, it’s not like you need to impress anybody. Everyone already loves you.”

She felt her cheeks warm up at the praise he gave so freely. “I-I… th-that’s sweet of you to say. B-but I wasn’t trying to fish for compliments or anything. I just… want to look a little extra nice. Maybe even stand out a little bit, that’s all,” she added more quietly, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

Chat paused and forward on the chaise. “Hang on,” he said, narrowing his eyes at her. “Marinette... ARE you trying to impress someone? Someone special, maybe?”

Marinette made a startled noise that would best be described as a squawk and whipped back around to face the inside of her closet. “Uhh, NOPE! Nope, nope. Not at all! What makes you say that?!”

Wow, Marinette, very convincing, she groaned inwardly.

Despite her stammering and weak attempts at protesting, Chat exclaimed with a gasp, “So there IS someone!”

He hopped off the chaise towards her, trying to get a peek at her reddened face. “So who is it?? Would I know them? Are you in the same grade, or just the same school? Do they already know you like them? How did you two meet?”

Marinette let out a long screech, rushing away from the closet towards her vanity desk and plopped down on the chair, dropping her head onto the table with a small thunk.

Chat practically glided across to where she’d sat and put his hands on her shoulders, squeezing gently. “Our little Marinette has a crush on someone~!” he crooned in a sing-song voice. “That’s so romantic! You’ll invite me to your wedding, won’t you?”

Marinette let out another long, muffled groan, which only spurred him on, becoming giddy like a small child who’d been given a pile of candy.

He’s never going to stop now that he knows, is he? she bemoaned, cursing her inept, awkward self.

Foregoing any further attempts at denial, she decided to just be honest with him. After all, Alya knew about her crush, and so did her other gal friends. She could confide in Chat too; especially since they were going to be living with each other from now on. Surely there was no harm in him knowing. It’s not like he’d go around blabbing it to anyone. She knew him better than that.

She sighed heavily, not bothering to hoist up her head, which felt like it weighed as much as a boulder at the moment. “He’s a classmate,” she replied in deadpan.

“A classmate, huh?” Chat repeated, voice full of wonder. “That’s so adorable! What else can you tell me about him? Is he cute?”

“Gorgeous,” she replied, with perhaps more emphasis than she intended. “And thoughtful and gentle and kind. A little awkward and nerdy, but friendly and optimistic to a fault. He’s practically perfect. At least, perfect in all the ways that matter to me, anyhow. I’ve known him for a few years, and I’ve been in lov– I MEAN… I’ve had a crush on him pretty much since we first met.”

Sensing her shift in tone, Chat dropped all the playfulness in his voice and asked in earnest, “W-wait… D-did you say… in love?”

Marinette let out a long, pitiful whine, grabbing the hair by the sides of her head and covering her face with it like a tent, trying to hide her eternal shame.

“I can’t believe I just said that…” she moaned wretchedly, very much wishing she could shrink to the size of a mouse right now. “Can you just cataclysm me and pretend you didn’t hear that, please?”

“Wait, so that means…” Chat interrupted, his brows scrunched. “He doesn’t know how you feel about him?”

She shook her head, or rather, kind of shuffled it back and forth on the table’s surface. “I’ve always been too afraid to say anything to him. I never wanted things to become weird between us, so I’ve always just… not taken the risk. He always just kinda… seemed to need a friend more than he needed a relationship, y’know? And I didn’t want to take that away from him. From us.”

Chat paused for a moment, pondering her words. “But what if he feels the same way?” he countered. “Wouldn’t you rather get it off your chest and find out for sure?”

Marinette hesitated, turning her head sideways. “Have you ever liked someone you were too afraid to lose?” she replied quietly.

She could hear Chat’s breath hitch, but he didn’t respond. She wondered if that was something he’d been worrying about as well. He’d never confessed to Ladybug about his own crush; but was that merely due to shyness, or from not wanting to complicate their relationship and their duties as superheroes? Would he jeopardize it?

Chat was a romantic at heart; of that she was certain, judging from his taste in media and books, from their late night conversations, and especially from what Plagg had told her a few days ago.

However, despite his playful flirtatiousness towards her as Ladybug, he’d never verbally expressed any serious interest in a romantic relationship. She could only assume he wanted to keep things as friendly and professional as possible, in order to work on strengthening their relationship as a team, instead of risking a fallout.

Or, at least, that’s what she’d started to tell herself. Everything in her brain was a terrible jumble. Especially after hearing about Chat’s family situation the night before, after the akuma attack. Ladybug had finally learned about Chat’s mother, Hawkmoth’s wife, and things were way more complicated than she could have ever imagined.

Chat Noir had introduced a variable of unpredictability in her life, and she was still trying to sort out her own growing feelings towards him. Were these merely feelings of protectiveness, or was it something else? Had she been projecting her desire for Adrien onto Chat? She didn’t think so, and yet, she’d never experienced anything like this before. How could she know for sure?

Unrequited love felt awful, but at least it was fairly straightforward. Trying to figure out her thoughts and feelings when adding another person into the jumble was frustratingly confusing.

In addition, Hawkmoth’s cruel words from the akuma attack echoed in her head despite trying to dispel them countless times. They resonated within her, trying to worm their way into her brain to plant undeserving guilt and shame. Accusations of taking advantage of Chat; of blind infatuation; of festering doubts and lack of trust.

Not to mention the elephant in the room: the giant, seemingly impenetrable wall of having to hide their identities from each other, which prevented them from being able to grow closer.

Pursuing a romantic path with him right now would not be prudent.

Especially since she was still in love with Adrien.

UGH. She was in love with Adrien. Why had she allowed herself to fall for him?!? Why did he have to be so darn wonderful, so awfully talented, so ridiculously considerate?!

The uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment slithered down her spine once again, traveling all the way from her head to her toes. How could she possibly face Chat Noir now that he knew what a coward she was?

Moments passed and neither of them had broken the ice. She supposed she should be the one to do it, since she was the one that had made things awkward in the first place.

Before she could say anything, however, she felt Chat’s hands settle on her shoulders, and he gently pulled her up into a sitting position. He gazed at her reflection in the mirror, a kind smile painted on his handsome face that she couldn’t help but feel her face flush. His emerald green eyes were so piercing, so sincere, which caused a multitude of butterflies to swarm in her chest despite her having banned them.

Bringing his arms in front of her, he draped a colorful garment across her collarbones so it would cascade all the way down to her lap. Apparently she’d been too busy internally freaking out that she hadn’t even heard him rummaging around in her closet.

“How about this top?” he asked softly. “The cut of the neck will draw attention to your jawline, especially if you wear your hair down, so the sides can frame your facial features. And if you wear this necklace here-” he said as he lifted the accessory from her vanity table, “-it will emphasize your blue eyes very nicely. For bottoms, I’d either go with some dark-wash skinny jeans paired with low heels, or a skirt with a bright pattern and some close-toed flats. Keeping it simple is best, in my opinion. Clean and sophisticated.”

Wait… what?? How did he–

Marinette hadn’t even noticed her jaw had dropped until Chat closed it gently with his index finger, her teeth coming back together with a soft clink.

“You should ask him out. This mystery person,” he added. “You never know what’ll happen. He’ll either like you back, or he won’t. But at least you’ll know, and whatever happens afterwards, it’ll mean you can move on.”

She held the shirt in place with her own hands, but never broke eye contact with him through the mirror. “Would you do the same?” she asked quietly.

Chat looked away, cheeks darkening. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed deeply. “Someday, perhaps. But… I’m not ready yet. Maybe once I become a better person. Somebody worthwhile.”

She turned around to face him, studying his expression. A weight settled uncomfortably in her gut, urging her to fix it, FIX IT!!

But fix what?! Fix it how?? She didn’t know; but she had to try regardless.

She stood up, setting the garment down on the chair, then practically stomped over to him. Chat looked a bit taken aback at how close she’d gotten, his eyes widening in confusion. She threw her arms around his torso, pulling him as close as physically possible without literally merging together. She laid her head on his chest, relishing the sound of his heart thumping in his chest.

“You dumdum. You’re already amazing. Anybody would consider themselves lucky to be loved by you.”

She felt him freeze up, unsure of what to make of this sudden and almost aggressive display of affection. But a beat later he relaxed, practically melting into her embrace and hugged back just as tightly.

He laid his own head on top of hers, a motion that still felt so comforting and so familiar; and yet she couldn’t figure it out. Whenever she would come close to making a discovery, the thought would slip away, as if by magic.

Or, come to think of it, most likely because of magic. His mannerisms and speech were so familiar, and yet she couldn’t place where she knew them from, or whom they matched up with. Chat had said that they knew each other outside of the costume, so surely that was why they felt so familiar. But the glamour of his miraculous was quite efficient in protecting his identity; therefore, despite teetering at the edge of her recognition, she still could not identify him. She supposed that was for the best, even if it was maddening.

“I wish I could believe that. I really do,” he murmured sadly, interrupting her train of thought.

She nuzzled her head into him. “Stop being so hard on yourself. Life doesn’t revolve around achievements or some arbitrary measurement of greatness. Being you is enough.”

“I... don’t really know how to stop thinking that way, to be honest,” he said with a shrug.

Marinette let go of him and took a small step back, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Well, it’s too bad you don’t have a choice, then. ‘Cause from now on, you’re officially enrolled in the Dupain-Cheng self-esteem boot camp, where you learn to be nice to yourself… or else, I’ll kick your ass!” she said, poking him lightly on the chest.

His eyes popped open for a moment, then he threw his head back and laughed. “I believe it!” he said, squeezing his arms around her once again. “I’ll do my best to meet your expectations and avoid all the ass-kicking, sensei! Bring on Du PAIN!”

She let out a snort and giggled, looking up at him from her lower height.

Her gaze softened once again, then added, “By the way... thanks for your help, and for your advice, Minou.”

Chat chuckled at the term of endearment, and Marinette’s brain froze.

How could she forget?? Again. She wasn’t Ladybug right now. Marinette didn’t have nicknames for Chat.

Before she could backpedal, Chat leaned down to kiss her forehead, then replied, “Anytime, Mari.”

She relaxed again and gave him one last squeeze, unable to contain a giant, satisfied grin.

She released him so she could return to the task of getting ready for school tomorrow. She asked, “Will it really be okay for you to go to school? Won’t it be risky, since your father will know where you are?”

Chat let out a thoughtful hum. “He’s a pretty powerful person, but even he can’t walk into the school and drag me out of there in front of everyone. I should be okay, as long as I’m always around other people.”

“Well… if you say so,” she said, crinkling her eyebrows. “You’ve got my cell phone number, so call me if anything ever pops up and I’ll be there in a jiffy, no matter where you are.”

Chat smiled at her fondly. “Thank you.”

She smiled back. “Come on. Let’s go watch a movie downstairs. It’s our last day to be certified couch potatoes and I’m not gonna pass it up.”

Chat winked. “Aye aye, Captain Spud! Lead the way!”

(Mood music: “The Chairman’s Waltz” - John Williams (Memoirs of a Geisha OST)

Monday Morning

Chat Noir landed on the roof of the school without a sound, eyes darting around the perimeter to verify that no one was present at this hour. Upon seeing that the coast was clear, he slinked towards the door that led inside the building.

He tried the doorknob. Locked, as expected. He detransformed, and without a word, Plagg phased through the door. It clicked, then Adrien slipped inside.

Heart thumping, he shifted his backpack and continued down the rooftop stairwell until he reached a hallway. It was empty, although that didn’t do much for his nerves. Getting caught on campus before the school opened would mean getting asked questions he would rather not have to answer.

Adrien wasn’t a rule-breaker. He was courteous, mild-mannered, and above all, obedient. He did things by the book. Or, at least... he did as Adrien . Chat Noir was another story altogether.

Trying to shake off his jitters, Adrien took a deep breath and tried to summon the playful part of him that enjoyed more mischievous types of activities.

There wasn’t much for him to do for the next couple of hours but to wait until people slowly trickled into the school. He decided to occupy himself by organizing his locker, so he stepped out into the common area from the dark hallway and carefully crept to the locker rooms downstairs.

As it turned out, it was a good thing he checked it before anyone was around, for the loud gasp he let out as he discovered its contents would have surely attracted the attention of the entire room.

Inside the locker was a duffel bag full of belongings– his belongings: his passport and birth certificate, his wallet, some clothes, his favorite blue scarf, a photograph of his mother; school supplies and stationary, a brand new laptop, and an indistinct burner phone.

There was no written note, no card, no name left behind. The only identifier provided was a picture of an black and red butterfly on it.

A butterfly? Surely this couldn’t be a gift from Gabriel Agreste. He’d never be this thoughtful, not in a million years.

He studied the picture, flipping it over for more clues, and found some small text on the back.

“Scarlet Peacock Butterfly”, the caption said. “A vivid red and black butterfly that ostensibly poses as another toxic species in order to deceive predators.”

Adrien gasped.

A fake.

Could it be…?

Adrien’s fingers trembled as he picked up the phone. It was an older model flip phone. He opened it.

It had a single phone number saved in its contacts.

He selected the number, fingertip hovering over the “call” button. With a shaky breath, he pressed it. And waited.

A few agonizingly long seconds passed. Then the ringing stopped; someone had picked up.

Adrien’s breath hitched and he gulped. He couldn’t help the crack in his voice as he whispered hesitantly into the phone.

“...Nathalie?”

(Mood Music: “L’Indifference” - Café Accordion Orchestra)

For once, Marinette Dupain-Cheng managed to make it to school on time, having set her alarm for an earlier time just to make sure. Tardiness always seemed to be her calling card, but she was determined to not let this happen today; not after all her preparations from the night before.

And so she walked into her first class, happy to see a room full of (mostly) friendly faces. Alya smiled at her from her desk across the room, waving her over enthusiastically. Marinette returned the smile and headed towards her.

She gave a wide berth to Lila and their teacher, who stood by the door. The new teacher listened, enraptured, about the stylish Italian girl’s most recent trip to the Malagasy islands and how she single-handedly founded a lemur rescue organization. Marinette fought the urge to roll her eyes and quietly passed them by, without challenging the validity of her claims.

Not today, she told herself. Not on the first day of school.

On her way towards her best friend, Marinette also walked past Chloe Bourgeois, her former bully. They made eye contact and gave each other a brief nod.

“Chloe,” Marinette greeted her plainly.

“Dupain-Cheng,” Chloe acknowledged in return, then turned her full attention back to her phone, vigorously texting someone with a dragon profile picture.

Marinette couldn’t quite call Chloe her friend, though they were definitely more than just acquaintances. They’d come to a sort of unspoken truce a couple of years back. They’d both done some growing up these past few years, and for that, Marinette was grateful. Especially since this arrangement made it possible for them to remain mutual friends with Adrien.

Marinette went up the steps to where her best friend sat, and they greeted each other with a hug.

“Hey, Alya! No Nino?”

“Nah, looks like we only have three classes together this year, bummer.” Alya shrugged. “But that means I get to sit next to my Mari-bean!”

Marinette noticed a markedly cheery-looking Adrien entering the classroom, only to be stopped by Lila at the door, who flipped her hair theatrically and batted her exaggeratedly long (and most likely false, hmmph!) eyelashes at him.

She decided to ignore it and turned around to fully face her wavy-haired friend. “So, how was your weekend? Did you and your aforementioned husbando do anything fun?” she asked with a knowing smile.

Alya’s cheeks darkened, but she tried to cover up her blushing by pretending to adjust her hair. “Well, we did get ahold of the new Super Pinguino III. You’ll have to play it sometime and try to beat our high score.”

Marinette giggled. “I dunno, that might be the one game where I’ll never be able to beat you.”

“Well, we’ll just have to see about that,” she gave her a wide smile in return. She exclaimed (rather loudly even by her standards), “By the way, Marinette! Your outfit looks AMAZING! Don’t you think so too, Adrien?”

Marinette’s eyes widened and she whipped around to realize Adrien was headed their way. Her face felt like she was sticking it inside a furnace, and suddenly she felt quite naked, wanting nothing more than to hide in a dark corner somewhere rather than display the outfit she’d meticulously chosen the night before. What if it was too much? What if she was overdressed? What if everyone could tell she was trying too hard? What if it was way too last-season and not avant-garde enough? Or what if it was too avant-garde and she should have dressed more conservatively?! What if–

Adrien’s eyes met hers and he gave her the brightest, broadest, most radiant smile, so stunning it should be illegal, so resplendent that it caused her brain to suddenly fizzle.

“Absolutely! You look beautiful, Marinette,” he said, his voice so earnest and sincere that Marinette felt she might combust on the spot.

Marinette wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing there, mouth agape, feeling like her feet were no longer touching the ground, when Alya nudged her with her elbow, coaxing her to reply.

And reply she did. Or at least, she tried; for only for a brief noise somewhere between a croak and a squeak managed to emerge from her throat.

“Uhh, I think Marinette means ‘Thank you,” Alya replied helpfully.

Marinette nodded enthusiastically. “Y-YES!! That’s right!! Th-thank you, Adrien!” she stammered, forcing the air out of her lungs.

Adrien beamed at her. “It’s great to see you guys again. I’m really glad we have our first class together this year. It’ll be a great way to start off the day.”

He waved goodbye to them, then walked to sit at the empty seat next to Chloe, who greeted him with a loud, happy squeal and friendly cheek kisses, then proceeded to talk rapidly about a subject way too complex for Marinette’s current brain-dead state of gleeful stupefaction.

And most definitely too dumbstruck to notice the daggers Lila was glaring at her from across the room.

(Mood Music: “Closer Than Sisters” - Abel Korzeniowski )

Marinette’s mind managed to rejoin her body sometime around halfway through their first period, and the remainder of her classes went by without a hitch. There was a lot of chatter and gossiping about Ladybug and Chat Noir, and whether they were actually working together or if it was some sort of elaborate publicity stunt. Conspiracy theories abounded, but for the most part it was merely curious conjecture. Ladybug had always worked alone, so what would this mean for the city? Would she finally defeat Hawkmoth now that she was no longer outnumbered?

Alya, of course, was utterly buzzing with excitement about these recent developments. Marinette wasn’t quite sure she’d be able to stand all her wild speculations and hypothetical questions; so it was both a shame and a relief that they only had two classes together this school year.

Despite the mental toll that hearing all these conjectures took on her, Marinette was still in high spirits by her last class of the day.

Or so she’d thought, until her absolute favorite classmate made her way over to her desk, giving her a sickly saccharine smile that would put high fructose corn syrup to shame.

“Hi, Marinette,” she lilted in a hollow sing-song voice.

Marinette brought out her phone and pretended to look busy. “Hello, Lila.”

“Did you have a nice summer?” Lila asked.

As if you care, she thought. “It was peachy,” Marinette replied curtly.

Lila pouted. “You don’t sound too happy. I don’t suppose you’ve already heard?”

Marinette sighed. Might as well play along. “Heard what, Lila?”

Lila leaned into her personal space, which made unpleasant goosebumps rise on the back of Marinette’s neck. “Well, I don't suppose you and Adrien are close enough friends that he’s told you all about his secret girlfriend, right?” she said more quietly.

Marinette’s brain screeched to a halt, but she forced herself to keep typing into her phone. “And I suppose he's told you?”

Lila giggled coyly. “Oh, well, I’m not one to blab secrets around, but the poor dear’s just not very good at hiding those hickeys. A scarf and concealer can only do so much, you know.”

Marinette felt sick to her stomach, but she refused to indulge Lila into thinking that she actually believed her.

“Go away, Lila,” she hissed through gritted teeth.

“Don’t believe me? I can prove it-” she replied, with that false cheerfulness that always carried a secret smugness to it. “-as soon as he walks through the door. He’s told me his schedule, you know… We really are very good friends, he and I.” She lifted her head to look around. “Ah, there he is.”

Adrien walked into the classroom with Kim, joking and laughing together.

Lila waved them over, and Adrien smiled as they both walked towards them.

“Adrien, I was just talking to Marinette about our plans for the school year. What does your modeling schedule look like?” she asked, as she thumbed the fabric of his scarf. “This is the year before we graduate. Is your father going to ease up on the photo shoots? I do so remember how very busy you were last year,” she lamented with another fake pout.

Adrien replied, his voice harboring a tinge of nervousness as she ran her hands up and down the length of his scarf, “Uh, actually, I won’t be- uh, modeling. This year. To… prepare for university exams and whatnot.”

“No modeling gigs, you say? That’s awfully kind of him,” she replied sweetly, as she slowly pulled back and forth on the two sides of the scarf like a seesaw. “Letting you focus on your studies and whatnot.”

Before he could reply, Lila tripped sideways with a dainty yelp, yanking the scarf along with her, and she fell towards him. Adrien caught her and she wrapped her arms around his neck securely, the scarf falling onto the ground, forgotten by all.

All except for Marinette, of course.

“Lila, are you alright?” Kim cried, and Adrien weakly echoed the question.

“Oh… clumsy me… I’m still getting used to these new shoes. I haven’t quite broken them in yet, you see,” she remarked as he helped her up. “I mostly wore combat boots over the summer while helping build schools in Bali for impoverished children, so I guess you could say I’ve gotten out of the habit of wearing heels.”

Marinette got out of her seat to retrieve the fallen blue scarf. The scarf that she had made for him almost four years ago for his birthday. Lila’s tugging had rubbed the fabric against Adrien’s neck, and the center was stained with make-up the same tone as his skin. She gulped heavily, then looked up at him.

And there they were, peppered all over his neck: various small bruises below the sides of his jawline, barely noticeable, but still visible if you looked closely.

“Umm, here,” Marinette said numbly as she handed him back the scarf. His hesitant eyes met hers, and he looked guilty, as if all his secrets had been laid bare for her to see.

“Thank you,” he said, almost too soft for her to hear.

“Why, Adrien!” Lila said, feigning secrecy but still speaking louder than she should have been, had that been the case. “I know you said you didn’t have to model anymore, but you really ought to tell your girlfriend to take it easy when you guys make out.”

Adrien sounded genuinely puzzled. “Wait… Girlfriend? What are you talking about?”

Kim’s features scrunched up in confusion. His eyes traveled towards where Lila was looking, then his face lit up with excitement. “Dude, you got a girlfriend?? That’s amazing, congrats! When were you gonna tell us??”

“Huh? I don’t have–” Adrien tried to interject.

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry Adrien,” Lila pretended to realize she’d said too much. “I didn’t know you wanted to keep it a secret. How silly of me! Surely your father would take away your extra free time if he knew you were spending it with a girl instead of studying.”

Kim pumped his arms excitedly. “Don’t worry, bro! We can totally keep a secret! Right, Marinette?”

Marinette smiled weakly, trying her best to look cooperative, and nodded.

“So, tell us about her, Adrien! Tell us about this girl you love so much,” Lila prodded.

Adrien’s cheeks turned bright red. “W-well, she’s not actually my girlfriend, b-but–”

Kim waggled his eyebrows. “But does she want to be?” he asked playfully.

Adrien laughed, voice high and skittish, “Uhh, I-I don’t know… Umm– w-we’ll see what happens. I-I want to take things slow.”

“Do you like her?”

Adrien’s head whipped around. It was Marinette who’d asked the question, her voice soft and curious.

Her eyes searched his, sincerely seeking the knowledge she both yearned and dreaded to hear. Her heart clenched painfully in her chest, knowing that his answer could change everything.

And yet, she needed to know.

Adrien’s face softened, the corners of his mouth crinkling with the ghost of a smile, and his cheeks gained a more subdued shade of pink, which contrasted with the embarrassed shade of red he’d worn earlier.

“A lot,” he replied breathily, like a wistful sigh, like he’d rather be with his loved one than anywhere else in the world.

Marinette swallowed heavily, and she forced herself to smile. “I’m happy for you,” she said as earnestly as she could manage.

After all, Adrien’s happiness was always paramount. No matter the source.

Their conversation was cut short by the sound of the bell, and the group scattered into the surrounding seats. Lila gave Marinette one last self-satisfied smile before walking away; not that Marinette even noticed. Her body felt too numb, too limp, too weary to see or care. All she could see in her mind’s eye was the way Adrien’s eyes lit up when he talked about the person he cared for. It had been brief, but it had been enough. She’d seen it. She knew now.

Adrien Agreste was in love.

(Mood Music: “No One Knows Who I Am” - (Jekyll & Hyde, the musical) Frank Wildhorn)

The last period of the day went by more sluggishly than any other she’d ever experienced in her life. Marinette’s mind replayed that conversation a seemingly infinite amount of times by the time the bell rang and it was time to go home. She lethargically packed up her belongings and left the classroom.

Before she reached the locker room, however, a hand gently tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned around.

It was Adrien. Of course. It just had to be him.

He meekly asked if he could talk to her in private. She agreed. They stepped into an emptied room, and he looked around to make sure no one else was present.

“I’m… sorry about the awkwardness from before, Mari,” he muttered uneasily.

“It’s okay, I’m just sorry you got put on the spot,” she replied, twisting her hands together, her shoulders tense with discomfort.

He seemed to squirm a bit himself as he continued, “D-did… Did you see…?” He gestured towards his scarf.

Marinette froze and her gaze dropped to the ground. She couldn’t get herself to speak, so she nodded.

Adrien took a deep breath. “W-would it be too much trouble if I asked you to not tell anyone? Things could get really difficult for me if- if people were to find out.”

Marinette’s head bobbed up and down quickly. “I-it’s okay! I won’t say anything! I-I don’t want to get you into trouble. Anytime you need help, I’ll be here.”

Before she knew it, she was being pulled into a brief hug. She willed her arms to hug him back, although she couldn’t really feel her body right now.

Adrien let go of her and put his hands on her shoulders in reassurance. “I promise everything is going to be okay. Everything is fine now. Trust me. Thank you, Marinette.”

Marinette’s mouth smiled back, and she heard her own voice say, “Anytime.”

Adrien thanked her again, and opened the door to leave. “See ya tomorrow.”

“S-see you,” she called back.

The door closed behind him, and Marinette was left alone. Everything felt like it was steeped in a thick haze. As if she was stranded in a vast fog with no discernable way to go. She felt hollow, yet heavy, which didn’t make a single bit of sense. A gaping, empty hole where her chest was, ripped away suddenly and without warning.

Is this... is this what heartbreak feels like?

Chat landed on Marinette’s balcony and knocked on the hatch five times, as they’d previously agreed. He listened for any of the code phrases or sounds that they’d gone over and practiced. There was no answer, which could only mean that she wasn’t home yet. However, since the latch was always unlocked for him now that they were roommates, he had permission to enter.

He felt pretty silly wearing a backpack as Chat Noir, so he didn’t dally in her bedroom, and instead went to drop it off in his own room.

Chat wondered what could be going through Marinette’s head after she saw his bruising. Had she figured out that Gabriel was abusive? She’d agreed to trust him, so maybe she believed he’d been able to work out his home situation. Did she think he still lived back at the mansion?

He plopped face down on the sofa. UGH, this all sucked. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he couldn’t tell her the truth, either. She was the nicest girl, and all he’d been doing lately was be dishonest with her. Not without reason, but still. He felt horrible about it.

And she’d looked so out of it at the end of school. He wondered what might have happened to her, since she’d seemed in such high spirits at the beginning of the school day. And what was that weirdness with Lila all about?

He didn’t have to wonder long, because a few moments later, his cat ears perked up as he heard footsteps that led to the front door. He sat up and turned around, excitedly awaiting her arrival.

Marinette opened the door and entered the living area. She closed the door and silently set her backpack down. He got up to greet her, but something was wrong. Her whole aura was different. Even in the dim late afternoon light, Chat could see the weariness in her expression, the sadness in her posture.

“Mari…?”

Several long strides later and he was there, in front of her, holding her by the arms.

“Mari, what happened?!” he asked more urgently. “Are you okay??”

She looked up at him, her glassy blue eyes becoming damp. Then she crashed into him, gripping him like he was the only thing keeping her from sinking into a sea of quicksand.

She cried, and he held her. He was desperate to know what had happened, but he waited, stroking her hair, running his fingers through it soothingly, not pushing her, but always willing to listen.

Finally, after a few moments, she spoke. “There’s someone else,” she whispered simply.

Then he understood.

Chat held her, and she sobbed quietly, and together they slumped to the ground. She didn’t need words of comfort, or any reassurance that she didn’t need this guy, or to be told that she was too good for him, or that there were other fish in the sea. She didn’t need to be told any of those things. All they needed at this moment was each other. And that was enough.

#Miraculous Ladybug #Enemies AU #Marinette Dupain Cheng #Adrien Agreste #Chat Noir #Ladybug #Discordant Sonata #fanfiction #Eden writes #Marichat #Adrienette #Ladynoir

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hartigays · 4 years

Note

3. “It’s always been you.”

billy storms out of the apartment, seething and fighting back tears. because billy hargrove does not cry. ever. he didn’t back when he lived with neil, he didn’t after his mom left, he didn’t when he got arrested for possession and almost lost his scholarship to UCLA.

he’s not about to start now.

not because steve pretty boy harrington has to go around acting like a grade-A asshole, with his soft hair and big eyes and pouty lips, screwing everything with a goddamn pulse. no sir. billy won’t give him that luxury.

the reality is, steve has always had a thing for plowing his way through as many people as humanly possible. or so billy heard all those years ago when he’d first arrived in hawkins and started inquiring about the pretty-faced indiana boy who billy just couldn’t seem to stay away from.

but billy thought all of that was behind them. they live together, for fuck’s sake. they’d moved out to california together so billy could go to school, and so steve could take a position at one of the offices of his father’s company in LA. steve hasn’t been seeing anyone, billy hasn’t been seeing anyone. they’ve been happy. content.

and okay, so maybe they aren’t dating. maybe billy hasn’t exactly told steve how he feels. but, like, steve should know. billy has gone out of his way to make it glaringly obvious. steve may be oblivious, but he’s not dumb. not like everyone thinks.

billy is pretty damn sure there’s no way steve isn’t aware of how he feels.

the worst part is, billy thought steve actually felt the same. at least, he had up until today, when he walked in on steve sitting on the couch with some girl, laughing and smiling and whatever the fuck else. he’d walked out before he could see anything more, despite steve’s desperate pleas for him to come back so they could talk.

there’s nothing to talk about. billy thought steve liked him, steve doesn’t. it’s done. he just needs some time to... process it, or whatever. billy finds himself on the beach soon enough, and he slips off his shoes so he can stick his toes in the sand, plopping down with a sigh.

it’s a private beach tucked a ways away from the pier, but billy knows the owners of this plot. they don’t stay at their beach house until the winter, when they want to escape to somewhere a little warmer during the colder months. he’s pretty sure the rest of their time is spent in aspen. so for now he’s safe to sit here and think, staring out at the water as the sun sinks below the horizon.

billy has brought steve here a lot. they’ve picnicked here several times, and billy even brought steve out a once or twice to teach him how to surf before they knew that steve was irreparably bad at it. the thought makes billy’s heart squeeze, and he has to pinch himself as a reminder to not be such a pussy.

because it’s whatever that steve is into some air-headed cheerleader type with a tiny waist and hair like strands of gold. it doesn’t bother billy one bit. not at all. he Does Not Care in the slightest.

maybe if he keeps telling himself that, it’ll somehow become true.

“thought i might find you out here.”

billy doesn’t turn around at the sound of steve’s voice, keeping his eyes forward even though his stomach sinks. “congratulations, you’ve finally managed to develop critical thinking skills. let’s bust out the champagne.”

“i can go if you want me to,” steve says softly, even though billy feels him sink down onto the sand next to him, close enough that their arms brush.

billy just snorts, shrugging. “i don’t give a shit what you do, harrington.”

steve just sighs, and for a long time he doesn’t speak. out of the corner of his eye, billy can see him staring out at the sunset, looking rather forelorn. billy wishes he could turn that look into something soft, something happy, but steve has made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t have that right.

“you know, i remember the first time you took me here,” steve says finally, and billy can’t help but glance over at him. steve’s smile is warm and soft, but tinged with something like sadness. “you tried to teach me how to surf. the first time, i mean. i slipped off the board and busted my ass so hard on it you had to carry me home.”

“you suck at surfing,” billy acknowledges, nodding. “badly.”

steve huffs a soft laugh. “yeah, i do. i just remember thinking that it was still one of the best days i’ve ever had. because that was the day i knew you loved me as much as i love you.”

billy goes completely still, his heart leaping up into his throat and his eyes watering, because what the fuck? where does steve get off making an admission like that just to make billy be less upset with him?

“don’t do that,” billy says, his voice rough. “you don’t get to do that. don’t pretend like you feel the same just because you don’t want me to be pissed at you.”

“billy,” steve starts, sounding distressed. he pauses, meeting billy’s eyes and fuck, they’re filled with tears too and billy doesn’t know how he feels about that. “it’s you. it’s always been you.”

the words break something inside of billy, and he crumples. he can’t pretend to be mad anymore when the truth is that he’s devastated. plain and simple.

“you sure have a funny way of showing it,” billy tells him, sniffling and wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “i saw you two. you were two seconds from playing couch twister. would’ve been if i hadn’t walked in when i did.”

“leanne is gay, billy,” steve groans, burying his face in his hands. “she works with me and she’s gay. has a nice girlfriend named annalise. they have a fucking kid. we were just- jesus, i can’t believe i even have to explain this. to you of all people. i’m the dumb one, remember? fuck. we were just going over some fucking spreadsheets. yeah, riveting stuff. super romantic.”

“i didn’t- are you fucking with me?” billy asks, because he’s starting to feel really fucking stupid and a small part of him is hoping he didn’t just throw a (rather humiliating) tantrum over nothing. “you guys were giggling. and sitting so close, i just... i thought you were making a move.”

“god, you can be more dense than me sometimes, you know that? we were giggling about you, dumbass. i told her that i liked you and she wanted to know more,” steve explains, shaking his head in disbelief. “it was just- i dunno. like two friends at a sleepover giggling about their crushes.”

“would you quit calling yourself an idiot?” billy huffs. primarily because he can’t think of anything else to say - his mind is racing too much. but also because it’s true. “this kinda proves that if anyone’s an idiot here, it’s me. i just- i don’t understand why you never said anything.”

steve is shoving his hands through the sand repeatedly, watching the sand run between his fingers. “you know i’m bi, i told you as much. i figured you were like me, or gay, or- i dunno. i just thought you weren’t ready to talk about it yet. i left the ball in your court, thinking that once you were ready, we’d, y’know. address the fucking elephant in the room.”

“the elephant being... ?” billy trails off. and he knows, but he really just wants to hear steve say it again.

steve rolls his eyes, laughing. “you know what i mean. but fine: the elephant being that i’m in love with you. and that i’m really, really hoping you love me, too.”

“i do,” billy says, his voice soft. “and i’m an idiot. i’m sorry.”

“you’re not an idiot. i probably would’ve thought the same thing if the roles were reversed and i walked in on something like that.” steve glances over at billy, giving him a tender smile. “just... next time, let’s talk to each other, yeah? i think that’ll save both of us a lot of grief.”

billy just hums, nodding his approval. they sit in comfortable silence for a little while, both still too nervous to make a move despite having just confessed their love to each other. at this point billy just finds it endearing, but he really, really wants to be closer to steve, and not just emotionally.

“i am gay, you know,” billy starts, his palms sweating, “and i really want to kiss you.”

“i know. and i think i’d like that.”

steve’s lips are soft and yielding beneath billy’s. his kisses feel exactly the way billy imagined they would - tender and sweet and a little shy, but curious. billy tries to keep it slow, not wanting to shove them into uncharted territory, but it’s only a matter of time before billy has steve’s back hitting the sand, hovering over him, their lips never breaking apart.

steve just sighs into the kiss, embracing the new position without complaint. he relaxes into the sand, one hand threading through billy’s curls, the other curling into the tufts of hair at the base of billy’s neck. it’s a kiss that billy never wants to end. but he knows there’ll be more. so much more.

“i’d say at least now we can get a cheaper apartment, but i think we’ll both still need our space every now and then,” steve says when billy pulls away, staring up a him with big eyes.

“yeah. plus it’s... ” billy trails off, his cheeks flushing bright red.

“it’s what?” steve asks, his brows coming together in confusion. “seriously, what were you going to say?”

“it’s home,” billy says gently, bracing both arms on either side of steve so he can swoop down to capture his lips again whenever he wants to. “home is wherever i’m with you, but- y’know. i like our place. it feels like us.”

“you’re such a fucking sap, oh my god,” steve laughs, but he’s smiling so brightly that billy thinks the whole beach could stay lit up for the rest of the night. “billy hargrove, secretly soft and mushy inside. who would’ve thought.”

“wasn’t, ‘til i met you,” billy tells him honestly.

and it’s true, for a long time billy hardened himself to the world, protecting himself with an armor of indifference until steve came along and melted him to his core. but billy isn’t one to complain, not when it means he gets to go to sleep and wake up to steve’s smile every day now, for the rest of his life. forever, maybe, if steve is up for that.

he wouldn’t have it any other way.

#is this a modern au? does this take place in the 80s? the world may never know #hope this is enjoyable bby!#❤️❤️❤️#harringrove #my fics #ask #gideongrace

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carriecutforth · 3 years

Text

The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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ngame989 · 4 years

Text

“Friends” - TGG SVTFOE Fanfic Collection Ch. 12

Writing: @ngame989

Art: @toxicpsychox

Editing: @ubercelloczar, @seddm

Alternate fic links - FFnet, AO3

Summary: Ludo needs help making friends and turns to Star and Marco for help, but things quickly spiral out of their control.

Comic Page

Masterpost

It's been an incredibly trying month for me and I'm unsure about a lot of things in my personal life now, but this isn't one of them. I'm so happy to finally be getting back to my feet so I can make more of the Starco content I want the world to see. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for your patience. (Also, fair warning, there’s one ever so slightly steamy Starco scene here)

“Have you ever wondered why heart thingies are hearts?” Marco stopped chewing on a bite of his burrito as he turned his full attention to Star. It wasn’t the most confusing thing she’d ever said, but it was up there. “Like, why does this symbol mean hearts and love and stuff?” she clarified, holding up a piece of heart-shaped candy from the post-Valentine’s Day shopping spree Eclipsa had taken her on weeks ago.

“Dunno,” he responded. “Maybe it’s what people used to think hearts looked like or something.”

“None of the hearts I’ve seen on hunting trips with Dad ever looked like this. Although one was made of chocolate.” She shrugged and popped the treat into her mouth, dumping some more from the bag into her mouth soon after. Her cheeks were puffed out, stretching her heart marks wide and Marco couldn’t help but giggle at the sight. “What?” she mumbled, still chewing. He pantomimed the sight in front of him, pointing to his own puffed-up cheeks. Star quickly grabbed two more candies, licking the backs of them before sticking them to Marco’s face, smiling quite smugly at her handiwork. “Now we’re heart twinsies!” She scooted around the table next to him and leaned in, snapping a selfie. “The kids will love this one.”

He swallowed the last bite of his burrito, thanking the heavens for the new Taco Baco location on campus. The other food options there were… lacking, to say the least.

“The Valentine’s Day Chocopalooza was a smash hit, but I have no clue how to follow it! I can’t have peaked after half a year, Marco!” The memories came flooding back: brownie batter as far as the eye could see, melted chocolate inflicting its goopy wrath on every surface in the kitchen, and so much frosting that he still didn’t want to even look at the stuff.

“I think they just like spending time with you. You’re really good with kids, Star. Besides, the only other holiday coming up is Easter, and you’re terrified of it.”

“It has a giant rabbit that lays eggs, Marco! How do you not see how horrifying that is?”

A loud cough from the bushes behind them might normally have only caught Marco’s attention for a passing moment, but another voice frantically shushed it. “Dennis, quiet! The giant bunny schtick is too good!”

“Ludo?” Star and Marco said in unison.

“Hello, Star and Marco!” Ludo exclaimed with an emphatic wave. “So wonderful to see you again! How’s your kid?”

“She’s not… she’s fine,” Marco relented, estimating that it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. “So… how’s it going?”

“Things are fine, family’s good. Bird and Spider told me to say hello.” He seemed even twitchier than Marco remembered. Dennis prodded his brother with a wing, clearly trying to be surreptitious about it and failing spectacularly. “Ahem, well, there is one teensy tiny issue… I ran into Bearnicorn a few days ago. I totally froze up! Things were pretty awkward last time I saw the whole gang and I think I’m finally ready to try again, but I have no idea how to do that. You might not know this, but I have some issues getting over things,” he stated earnestly. Star and Marco exchanged a bewildered glance - he couldn’t be serious, right? Wait, what were they thinking, Ludo could totally say something like that seriously. Ludo took a deep breath and continued, “But Dennis suggested that I come to you two for help, since I had actually managed to work everything out with you.”

Star munched on another chocolate heart as she mulled over what he was saying. “So you want our help to… make friends?”

The edges of his beak-mouth turned up in an ecstatic smile. “I would like that very much!”

***

“You’re sure about this, Star?”

“He’s not hurting anything, Mom.” Star didn’t glance up from the piles of clothing she was rummaging through at the sound of her mom’s wary question; it wasn’t an unfair one, considering the history involved. Even though he was friendly now, Ludo was too much of a wildcard to completely discount as harmless. Still, though, Star saw no reason to suspect any tricks up his sleeve (though there were probably some bugs there). The nostalgia of reconnecting with Ludo was oddly calming for Star, and considering how quickly Marco agreed to help Ludo with his issues, despite the craziness of midterms approaching, she guessed he felt the same. Drawer after drawer bore no fruit in her quest to find the sweater for Marco’s all-important psychology ensemble - the book and glasses had already been secured.

“Though I didn’t say anything, I admit I was initially hesitant about you two sharing living quarters like this, but I must say Marco’s organizational skills seemed to have rubbed off on you,” Moon said with a snicker. She bent down and checked under the bed, pulling out stray bags of cereal and bottles of soda that Star recognized from her and Marco’s late night movie marathons slash cuddle sessions. “...somewhat.”

Think Star, think! When was the last time you saw that dang sweater? Let’s see… he wore it on our Valentine’s Day date so it can’t be that hidden - it was a bit snug on him which made it extra adorably handsome. He’d said he’d wear it more if I wanted, and I fell over laughing when he wore it just last weekend before we… oh corn. Star now recalled where the sweater would almost certainly be as a wave of horror washed over her. She slammed the dresser drawer and whipped around for a mad dash to the nightstand, where- pegasus feathers. Moon had just found the sweater, which was great, and with it was the exact last box she wanted anyone else (and especially her mom) to find, which was... greeeeeeat. Star generally felt she had a solid, trusting bond with her mother, but she’d never been - and still wasn’t - the first person Star blabbed to about her personal affairs.

“Mom, I can explain-”

“Star, sweetie, I’m not upset. What you do with Marco is none of my business, you’re a grown young woman who is more than capable of making her own decisions. If anything I’m simply relieved that you’re taking such sane precautions. I may be old, but I’m not ready to earn my place in the Grandma Room quite yet.” Despite her embarrassment, Star had to admit she was eased by her mom’s understanding,. “And don’t worry,” Moon said softly, “I’ll handle the subject with your father for you, if you’d like.” And just like that, any comfort was washed away by a tidal wave of beet-red cheeks and incoherent sputtering.

Marco poked his head in, causing Star to yelp and jump off the bed. “Hey, you almost ready?”

“Yep! Totally, totally, totally ready and not discussing anything about our personal lives with mom!”

“Uh-huh…” Marco responded. “Well, I’m ready down there if you are. Oh hey, there’s my sweater. Good, we’ll need it... I, uh think we have our work cut out for us.”

Star was worried, but also kinda happy to have an excuse to leave the current conversation as soon as Mewmanly possible. She handed the sweater from her mom to Marco, who put it on as they walked downstairs to where Ludo was curiously poking around the living room.

“Oh, hello Star! I was just admiring your lovely castle. Bit small for my tastes, but what do I know, haha!”

“Yeeeeeeah…” She then leaned over to whisper to Marco. “So, like, what did he say so far?”

“He said that he tried practicing talking to people with garbage dolls.”

“Weird.”

“I don’t even know where to start, really.”

“Hey Ludo,” Star called out, walking over and sitting on the couch next to him. “So, bud, whatcha need us for here, exactly?”

“Ah, yes, well… I’d like to be able to talk to my old friends again without being their boss. You know, the whole scheming to defeat you… steal the wand… take over Mewni and rule it with an IRON FIST-” He had gotten so worked up that he was on his feet jumping up and down on the couch, but stopped and took a deep breath before chuckling. “Aha, see, there it is again! It’s usually not like this, it’s been months since I’ve even once brought up the wand in a game of cha-rads…”

Yeah, this might be a liiiiiiittle tricky. She tented her fingers as she came up with a plan. Could I… nah. Would it…? Mmm, no go. Wait, Star, duh! “ Alright, Ludo, it’s time for some patented psychomological work from Star Butterfly, H.P.D. We need to see what’s going on in your head.”

“Ooo, sounds fun! So for starters I think there’s some lice-”

“No, no,” she responded calmly, “I mean we need to find what’s making you tick.”

“Yup, I’ve got ticks too!”

Marco put a hand on her shoulder, his worried expression clear even to her peripheral vision. “Are you sure he should be in the same house as Mari-”

“Not now, Marco,” Star hissed, swatting his hand away while keeping her gaze trained on Ludo. “Why are you having trouble talking to your old friends again? What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say ‘Boo Fly’?”

“Messenger.”

“Buff Frog?”

“Excellent spy.”

“Lobster Claws?”

“Putting his claws on the wand- oh, wait, I see now! This is like cha-rads but with just words! You almost got me!”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re getting it! OK, one more… Toffee.”

“Candy! It’s so delectable with chocolate-”

“You know what, that one’s probably for the best,” Star murmured. “Well, Ludo, it seems to me like your biggest problem is that you aren’t even thinking about your old crew as regular people. Try this. Think of doing something you’d normally do with your brother.”

“Picking the worms out of our feathers to eat-”

“Yeah, no,” Star cut him off. She wanted to help, she really did, but she had a million other things on her mind and now was just not a great time for endless Ludo shenanigans. “I was thinking something less gross…”

“Basketball?” he cheerily offered.

“Sure. Imagine yourself playing basketball with your brother…” She paused a moment as he started miming out dribbling in his seat. “Now imagine doing the same exact thing but with Bearnicorn there instead of your brother.” His arms twitched a bit.

“Keep dribbling, man!” Marco called out encouragingly. Ludo shut his eyes in concentration and after a moment got back into his awkward, gawkish basketball form.

Ludo’s bulbous eyes snapped back open, frantic with glee. “Aha, yes! I think I see it now! Oh, thank you, Star and Marco! I’m off to go find my friends again!” With that, he bolted out the front door and scurried down the road until he was out of sight.

“You think that’ll work?” Star asked hopefully.

Marco sighed and hugged her from behind. “Not a chance.”

***

“Alright, we have a few minutes left in class so if anyone has any questions on the graded midterms I just passed back, let me know. Otherwise you’re free to leave. Have a good weekend!”

Marco hunched over in his chair as he quickly scanned through the multiple choice questions and short answers. A few stupid mistakes here and there, but still an A - he’d even gotten a smiley face next to his essay assessing some example personality type or another. All in all, things felt right. Karate, sword-fighting, and adventuring were important to him but he’d always felt the most fulfilled helping others with their problems - psychology just seemed right.

A high-pitched, squawking voice interrupted him. “Hey, dude, what did you get for number 12?” Marco looked up at another student - Matt, if he was remembering correctly - who was hovering over him at an uncomfortably close distance. Even with how much life had changed in the past few years, his academic reputation stayed the same.

“Uh, C,” Marco responded absentmindedly.

“Oh, that makes sense. And what about 13?”

“B.”

“And… 14 through 35.”

“Just talk to Mrs. B, man,” Marco irritatedly replied, shaking his head. Normally he enjoyed helping classmates if he could, but he had promised Star he’d helm the planning for the daycare’s Easter party on account of her phobia - well, that, and he’d heard Matt bragging about how he’d blown off studying to play the new Super Slash Sisters game all night long. He looked back down to check over one last page and grinned to himself. The final essay prompt hadn’t been for a grade, but instead asked a simpler question: Why are you here? Without context, it might have seemed odd or downright rude, but the teacher had spent the first few months of the semester encouraging all the students to reflect on their goals and what they hoped to gain from the psychology program. The blunt prompt had caught him off guard, but after realizing what it was asking, he’d spent probably about as much time as he had on the rest of the exam combined describing his experiences and motivations on Mewni that drove him to help and support others.

Of course, he couldn’t help but talk about Star at length as part of that. His adorable, brave, compassionate best friend that inspired him to be more. Where would he even be now without her? He could still be at college, he supposed, but that wasn’t saying much. It was humorous to imagine: waking up, being driven to college by his mom, waving hello to Jackie every day (his foolproof plan to woo her had involved eventually moving past nodding, after all), getting straight As, working fruitlessly towards a red belt after classes, then… what? The world had so much more to offer him, and vice versa, and Star was the one who’d helped him realize that. The words had just flowed right out of his pen, paragraphs and paragraphs of glowing praise and affection, enough to leave his chest feeling as warm as it did when she was physically there.

“Hey, Marco, I have a question-”

Stirred from his contemplative state, Marco wheeled on the figure that had just tapped him on the shoulder, ready to tell Matt off for interrup- oh.

“Ludo? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, well, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I’d just drop in! But also, please help me. I did what you said but then I dribbled Boo Fly on the ground and he got really upset and-”

Marco sighed. Hope Star’s fine with me being late.

***

Most days, Star loved everything about her job. It was hard work, but it was so satisfying bringing smiles and warmth to the faces of the kids in her care and seeing them light up with stories to tell their families at the end of each day. Her hours were flexible, she got to spend time with Marco, and Antonio was a wonderful boss.

Today, however, was not most days.

Of freaking course Easter was Antonio’s favorite holiday.

The kids seemed to be enjoying his antics as he pranced around in a bunny costume, but for the life of her she just couldn’t understand why. Is it a normal rabbit or a person-sized one? No one even seems to know what it is! Does it lay bird eggs or rabbit eggs? Both are pretty horrifying if you ask me! If you get chocolate eggs in your Easter basket, does it lay them too? I’m not eating any soft brown rabbit droppings, Marco! They didn’t even get any days off for it, so Star was convinced the best thing to do was ignore its existence as a holiday entirely. Her incredibly valid concerns had largely been met with amusement, even by Marco, but Antonio had at least offered to let her keep her distance and work behind-the-scenes for the party they had planned, which was now going on in the main playroom.

Packing baskets with candy was easy enough. Chocolate, gummies, cookies, donuts. Candy corn for the humans and candied corn for the Mewmans - as much as the humans liked Mewman corn, they hadn’t quite accepted it as a valid dessert yet. There were a few special ones marked down as well. Some marshmallow mice for the Septarians, a ribeye steak for the Johansen - her third cousin or something like that, she wasn’t even sure exactly whose kid he was - and some dried bugs for the kappas… wait, since when were there any kappas at the daycare? She yanked the full list out from underneath the pile of sweets and quickly scanned it. 105? Aren’t there only 104 kids in the program this semester?

She almost missed it at the very top of the list: “Manudo Avarius”. She vaguely remembered hearing about a sibling with that name at some point… maybe they just joined? Something still seemed off to Star but she pushed it aside and finished the last of the baskets just in time for the end of the party. As the kids left, Star cheerfully handed out the baskets to the tune of joyous squeals from the kids and careful warnings from the parents to not eat too much at once. Pffftt, come on, I eat cake for breakfast and I turned out fine!

Curiously, she hadn’t spotted anyone that resembled Ludo yet even as the remaining crowd dwindled to almost nothing. Antonio had already begun to put away decorations when she finally spotted the figure, taking the basket over to them. But when they turned around, showing a braided beard… oh pegasus feathers.

“Star Butterfly! So good to see you again.”

“Hey Ludo,” she said. “Are you picking up Manudo?”

“Why would Menudo be here?”

“Well the paper said Manudo-”

“No, no, that’s not how it’s spelled, but besides, I’m here by myself. A large man with a magnificent beard asked me for my name and told me I was missing a party with lots of sweets! He kept calling me a child and I said I was a man and that my name was Ludo, but who cares when there’s free chips, am I right?” He reached into one of the five chip bags in his arms and stuffed a handful into his beak.

Man-udo. Dangit, Antonio. “So… good to see you, but what brings you here?”

“Well, I talked to Marco just the other day because it still just wasn’t working, but then I tried something else and that still didn’t work, so now I need your help again. It all started on Tuesday-”

Star slumped down into a beanbag chair and reached into the basket, deftly avoiding the bugs as she searched for cookies to nibble on. This is going to be a while.

***

“So what did you say this place was?” Tom asked as he glanced around the restaurant. The vibrant cherry-red booths and soulful singer crooning over the speakers created a very different atmosphere than anything in the Underworld, but he liked it.

Sitting across from him, Marco downed another fry and took a sip of his water before responding. “Diners are the best places to go for comfort food. Burgers, onion rings, waffles, all that kinda stuff. Emilio’s is the best in town.”

Next to Marco, Star was wolfing down onion rings by the handful. “The secret is that he hired a bunch of Eclipsa’s old chefs, so they make great Mewman and monster food too. Don’t tell Mom but their Mewnipendence Day pies are the best I’ve ever had - though they don’t call it that anymore.” She was still chewing when she spoke, but after so many years of knowing Star he had no trouble understanding her garbled words. “It’s really cool that Emilio was able to get back on his feet after the incident.”

“What incident?” Tom asked, eliciting an irritated groan from Marco.

“So basically, a few years ago, Ponyhead and I-”

“Oh boy, a Ponyhead story,” Janna sarcastically said, rolling her eyes, and Tom elbowed her side.

An older man with olive skin approached the table. ““Does everything taste alright? If your dining experience isn’t absolutely perfect, please let me know, I can get you anything. More to drink, dessert, maybe some mushrooms...”

“It’s great, Emilio,” Marco mumbled.

“Good, good…” Emilio was smiling a bit too hard as he backed away, his eyes lingering on Marco’s meal.

Marco caught Tom’s curious gaze and buried his head in his hands. “Look, it’s a long story. There was this pizza, then spiraling alcoholism, then a bit of arson…”

Janna’s hand, resting on Tom’s leg, unconsciously twitched as she perked up. “Woah, OK, now I actually do want to hear this.”

“Too late, no take backs.”

“Aww, you’re no fun.”

“So anyway, we picked the restaurant this time so have you two decided what we’re doing after?” Oh crud, we forgot to plan. Tom’s initial instinct was to claim a beginner’s mistake, since it was only the second of their monthly double dates and their first time planning the after-dinner entertainment… except the actual reason was that he and Janna happened to get into their first major makeout session the night they had set aside for planning, burning thoughts of accomplishing anything else to a crisp in the process. Star and Marco were the last people that would be squicked out by romantic affection- that wasn’t the problem. After years of slacking on responsibilities and having any kind of social life at all in a misguided attempt to chase after Star, he couldn’t help but feel extra guilty over this specific lapse.

Janna leaned in, whispering in his ear. “Can’t we just hit up the Sands of Eternal Torment?”

“For the tenth time, Jan, no,” he hissed through his teeth. “There’s, like, a 25% chance you’d all have your souls violently ripped from your bodies.”

“Only 25? Ew, nevermind, just let them pick.” She leaned in even closer, her breath hot in his ear. “If it’s somewhere boring, we could always just sneak away and-”

“Good evening!” Tom squeaked and quickly turned his head at the sudden boisterous call from his other side, almost smacking Janna in the temple with his horn in the process. It was an incredibly short bird creature with a thick grey beard - a kappa, if Tom was remembering correctly. It wasn’t their same waiter from before, but hey, what did he know about how Earth restaurants worked?

Tom held out his glass, but the supposed waiter ignored it. “Yeah, can I have a refill on the demonade, please?” Star and Marco glanced over at the waiter, their eyes opening wide before they both groaned and smacked their faces on the table in unison. Alright, maybe he’s not a waiter then.

***

“Star...” Marco uttered. Star removed her wandering lips from his neck and propped herself up to look lovingly at him, shivering slightly as she abandoned the warmth of his bare skin. It had been probably over a year now since they’d first become more intimate like this, but the fire still burned just as hot. Heck, it was better now than those first forays, Star reckoned; with time came confidence and experience that let them enjoy themselves and each other to the absolute fullest. They’d both had busy lives the last few months or so, and with the end of the semester fast approaching Star knew they would be even busier soon, but none of that seemed to matter in this time they’d taken for themselves. Even after a break for a shower and snacks, their present cozy state under the blanket with nothing between them still felt as radiant as any proper afterglow could.

“Mhmm?” A devious thought crossed her mind, but she tried her best to feign innocence as she slowly slithered down his body, leaving fiery trails of kisses down his chest and sweet, sweet abs.

“Not that I don’t like, you know, doing this but I don’t, uh, know if I have it in me for another rouuuuuuuu-” His voice shot up an octave and his whole body jolted as she blew raspberries on his belly button and snuck her arms up to tickle around his armpits. “Star, please- I can’t- I’m- can’t breathe-” he sputtered out between hysterical bouts of laughter.

She was laughing too by the time his flailing pushed her off of him. Before he’d even collected himself, he lunged forward, trying to catch her with a determined-but-still-goofy grin on his face. Star dodged and backed away from the bed entirely as Marco grasped at her limbs. He finally gave up, lying on his stomach while resting his head on his chin and staring up at her. Even though his tush was right there for the ogling, Star was instead captivated by his enamored gaze and dopey smile.

“Dangit, Marco, you know I can’t resist that look,” she huffed, allowing him to take her hands and pull her next to him on the bed.

“I know,” he said smugly. “You’re not the only one who can weaponize being all lovey dovey.”

“The student has become the master,” she quipped, their hands still joined between them as they lay on their sides.

“But I do mean it, Star. I love every single part of you, and that’s not gonna change. Things have been hectic lately for both of us, but stuff with the daycare, what you want to do for a living, Ludo… we can figure that all out. Just reach into your pocket if you need me.”

She gently patted his head, running her fingers through his freshly shampooed hair. It was alluring to smell, to hold, to feel brushing up against her. Though the problems they faced now were of a different kind than the forces of evil that they’d spent their earlier years tackling, his presence was still what she needed most to ground her and make everything feel alright. Her face dipped in for a kiss, initially short and sweet but quickly succumbing to a familiar hunger. She pounced on him but miscalculated her momentum, rolling the whole way over him and pulling him with her so he lay on top. Not complaining, she thought as she hugged him close and indulged in the sensory bliss of his skin on hers.

He lightly rested his forehead on hers. “Do you, um, mind if we maybe don’t, y’know…” he trailed off sheepishly.

“Marco,” she crooned, holding his face in her hands. “How many times do I have to say it: I don’t want to do anything if you’re not comfortable with it.”

“I-I can try that, um, thing again, though, instead if- if you want?” Oh sweet, sweet Marco. Even after years together, he still couldn’t rest until he was sure he’d done everything he could for her.

“Yeah,” she implored, breathy with the mounting anticipation as he began a trail of kisses downward.

“What thing are you two talking about?” Time seemed to stop as any building pleasure completely evaporated. Marco grabbed the crumpled bedsheet and pulled it over the two of them as the couple stared at the window in complete incredulity to where Ludo was standing on a flapping Dennis’s back. “Well, anyway, I need some more advice-”

“GET. OUT!”

***

Marco rested his chin in his hands while Star paced in front of him. Three months. Three months of Ludo showing up at the most inopportune times, three months of Star trying and failing to feel satisfied with her efforts at the daycare, three months of a semester so intense that they were both at their wit’s end with all of it. Ludo had once again come to the college for advice after his 26th attempt to regain his old friends failed just as catastrophically as the previous 25. He was persistent, Marco had to give him that, and the old monster crew had even been pretty supportive when Star and Marco had tracked them down themselves and explained the situation. The issue seemed to be entirely from within Ludo’s own mind, which made it a dozen times harder to solve. It was the last day of the semester and they’d been haunted by thoughts of every minute of summer vacation spent throwing themselves at the brick wall of Ludo’s psyche, so they’d made a pact that today was all or nothing. Neither wanted to ditch Ludo, he wasn’t a bad guy, but enough was enough.

“Any ideas?” Star piped up, sounding entirely lost and uncertain as her gaze kept nervously darting over to Ludo who was brushing his beard and snacking on its droppings in the empty playroom. “We’ve tried psychology, reverse psychology, pep talks, reverse reverse psychology, all-you-can-eat chips, ygolohscysp-”

“Which still isn’t a thing,” Marco interrupted.

“Well I’m sorry, I’m not the one with a fancy degree, Marco!” she growled, tossing her arms out. “Ugh, sorry, this is just so frustrating. Doesn’t he have, like, a thousand brothers and sisters he could hang out with? If he can’t relax around the monsters, why does he always have to pester us when he could-” Her pacing instantly halted as her eyes opened wide. “Oh crud.”

He stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, unsure whether her apparent epiphany was a good or bad thing. “Star?”

“He came to us for help becoming comfortable around his old pals again because he already was comfortable around us.”

“Way too comfortable,” Marco muttered with a wince that Star mirrored. They were still a little bit traumatized from the shower incident. “But that means-”

“He never needed his monster pals, he just needed… friends,” she said just as he had the revelation on his own.

Marco smacked his forehead and sighed. “And he spent so much time fixating on this one thing, and we spent so much time just trying to solve his problem and shove him out the door, that we never tried just… being his friends.”

They both looked through the little window into the playroom, where Ludo saw them and waved with a giant smile.

Star buried her face in her hands, messing up her hair like she was prone to do whenever she was feeling frazzled. “Ugh, I feel terrible.”

“Same, but… we can’t be his only friends, though. I feel bad for him, but I don’t know if I have it in me to be his BFF.”

“You’re right, you’re right, but who else could even handle that? Who? The guy’s so hyper and weird, ugh, he reminds me of me as a kid, except way less cute.”

“...a kid.” They both mumbled simultaneously. It was as if a single lightbulb had gone off above both of them at once as all the pieces fell into place. “That’s it!”

Star bolted out the door to gather the handful of children that hadn’t been picked up yet while Marco got Ludo. A few minutes later, they met up at the rec center basketball court where Antonio helped them set up some kid-sized hoops. It took a bit of coaxing, but after a few minutes Ludo was having the time of his life tossing the ball around. The kids seemed to enjoy it, too, as he regaled them with tales of his adventures on Earth (and a few about a space princess with a cyclops and robot for friends that Marco was pretty sure he made up). Star and Marco had joined for a few games but both decided to just step back and watch from the bleachers for a while.

As they observed the scene, listening to the ecstatic wails of everyone on the court as they ran around with the ball, there was a smile on Star’s face that was more content than Marco had seen in a while. “See? You made their whole week just by giving them someone fun to play with,” Marco said, lacing his fingers through her hand. “They like you a lot more than they like balloons and candy.”

“Even I don’t need candy with you here being so sweet,” she cooed, nuzzling into his shoulder, neither taking their eyes off the courts. Ludo passed the ball to Trevor, who spun around and passed it back in a fluid motion that allowed Ludo to score. The blissful, carefree sight was soothing after the intensity of Marco’s life lately. Just some kids and a small bird man having fun playing a game together… life didn’t always have to be so complicated. The serene moment abruptly ended when Ludo’s beak caught on the rim, leaving him dangling above the ground and shrieking for help. As Star squeezed Marco’s hand, sighed, and stood up to go help the poor kappa, Marco knew it could never be truly simple either.

#starco #svtfoe #star vs the forces of evil #tgg svtfoe #jantom

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longitudinalwaveme · 4 years

Text

Nightmare

“You stupid, worthless brat! How am I supposed to get ahead in life with you and your sister dragging me down? If it weren’t for the two of you brats, I’d be living like a king!” Leonard Snart doesn’t move a muscle. Despite being twelve years old, practically an adult, his father is still twice his size and over four times his weight, so fighting back would be pointless.

“Well, don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

“No, sir.” Trying to defend himself will just make his father angrier.

“I should just throw you both out to fend for yourselves! Maybe then you ungrateful brats would learn to appreciate me! After all, if it weren’t for me, you’d both be dead in a gutter! Nobody else wants garbage like you.” When Leonard fails to respond, his father punches him in the stomach, then slings him over his shoulder. Leonard doesn’t react until he realizes that his father is heading for his sister’s room. Then, in desperation, he bites his father’s hand, producing a yowl of pain. Unfortunately, the bite doesn’t deter his father from his intended destination, and he storms into Lisa’s room, shakes her awake violently, and then grabs her as well. She immediately starts crying, and her tears only come faster when her father shakes her in an attempt to shut her up. Leonard tries to calm her down, but in his position, there’s not much he can do. His father opens the door to their trailer and violently deposits Leonard and Lisa on the front step.

“See how you like living without me!” his father yells before slamming the door. Leonard tries to open the door, but it doesn’t budge, and he starts to panic. His father has locked him and his little sister outside their home at three in the morning! What is he supposed to do? He can’t go to the neighbors-they all think he’s a juvenile delinquent-and he can’t call CPS because if he does, he and his sister will be separated and he’ll be thrown in jail just like his dad had told him. His sister starts crying again. He doesn’t think she fully understands what’s going on yet, but she can clearly tell that something is wrong.

“Shh….I’m here, Lisa. I’m not gonna let nothin’ bad happen to you, sis.” She hugs him, clinging to his thin frame as though her life depends on it, and asks,

“Are we in trouble again?” Leonard nods.

“Dad locked us out of the house,” he says, trying not to sound panicked.

“Is he gonna let us back in?” Leonard shrugs.

“I dunno, baby sis. I hope so.” At that, Lisa starts crying again.

“Shh...sis, we’ll be okay. Just pretend we’re having a campout.”

“Like the one Barbie had on TV?” Leonard grins.

“Yeah, just like that. Only ours’ll be better, ‘cause ours has us.” Lisa smiles.

“Okay, then why don’t we sleep over there?” she asks, pointing at a pile of leaves.

“Looks good to me, little sis.” He leads her over to the pile, takes off his shirt, and hands it to her.

“What’s this for?”

“It’s your sleeping bag. You can’t have a campout without one.”

“But where’s yours?

“I don’t need one, ‘cause I’m a man,” Leonard replies. He doesn’t want her to worry about him, and besides, tough guys like him don’t need sleeping bags, so it’s not a lie.

“Okay, Lenny.” Lisa lies down, and Leonard spreads his shirt over her.

“Good night, little sis.”

“Wait! Lenny, could you tell me a story before I go to sleep?”

“I guess so. What do you want me to tell you about?”

“The one with the princess and the superheroes!” Leonard manages not to groan, but it’s a close thing. Lisa asks for this story all the time, and it’s hard to tell. Superheroes might exist, but they don’t care about trailer trash like the Snarts. Why get her hopes up? But then again, it isn’t like he can refuse his little sister, so he launches into his story.

“Okay, so once upon a time, in a faraway place like New York, there was a beautiful princess named Lisa. Now, like all princesses, Lisa was smart and nice and all those things girls like to be called, but she had a problem- a big one. You see, when she was just a little baby, her kingdom-which I think is like a really old city-was cursed, so everybody and their Aunt Mariah forgot that she was their princess, and her loving mom and pop were replaced by a loose lady and an ogre who drank too much. The lady ran away, and the ogre was real, real mean to her and beat her up all the time for stupid reasons. Oh, and he also made her do chores and stuff, like cleaning up all his beer bottles while he was watching football.”

“How could he be watching football? Princesses don’t have TVs!” Leonard sighs.

“Okay, then he watched it with his crystal ball. Anyways, as bad as things were, the princess did have one friend. Before the curse, he’d been preparing to be a knight, but the curse had made him forget who he was, so he thought he was her brother and didn’t know how he was supposed to protect her from the ogre anymore.”

“What was the knight’s name?”

“Uh, his name was, uh….Sir Leo, the knight of, uh, Cold, and he could shoot ice! I mean, before the curse made him forget how. So anyway, Sir Leo and Princess Lisa were in a huge mess, and after years of living under the curse, they had given up on ever getting out. But that all changed when a superhero named-which one do you want?”

“The Flash.” Leonard nods, unsurprised. Jay Garrick has always been his sister’s favorite, probably because he lives near Central City just like them.

“Okay, so the Flash arrived to break the spell, and he did by, uh, running really fast. And then he punched the ogre in the face and gave the princess her real parents back, and she and the knight, who had his powers back and could protect her now, lived happily ever after. The End.”

“Thanks, Lenny,” Lisa says drowsily. Five minutes later, she’s fast asleep. Upon realizing that his sister is unconscious, Leonard finally allows himself to panic again. What’s he going to do if his father doesn’t let him and his sister back inside? It’s already October-if it gets much colder, Lisa could freeze to death. He wants to start crying, but doesn’t. Twelve-year-old boys-men-don’t cry. Ever. Instead of crying, Leonard decides to get angry. Someday, his father will pay for all the stuff he put Lisa through. He’s gonna pay-Leonard will make sure of that. With his tears firmly under control, Leonard falls asleep, determined to prove that he’s stronger than his father. The next morning, Leonard wakes up to find his sister still sleeping peacefully, her blonde hair a rather tangled, leaf-filled mess. In fact, she looks so happy that he almost hates to wake her, but if he doesn’t, she’ll be late for school.

“Lisa, wake up!” Her eyes flutter open.

“Good morning, Lenny.” Leonard pulls her to her feet and carefully brushes the leaves off of her, then takes his shirt back and puts it on.

“So, did you like the campout?” She nods.

“You’re the bestest big brother in the world.” Leonard smiles. If she’s happy, he’s happy. He leads her to the door of their trailer and turns the handle, and, thankfully, the door opens. The pair slip inside and find their father passed out on their couch, beer bottles strewn all over the floor and the TV still blaring. Leonard sneaks over to the couch, slides the remote out of his father’s hand, and turns off the TV. He proceeds to start picking up the bottles his father had left lying around. A few minutes later, he is joined in this endeavor by his sister, who is smaller and can more easily reach the bottles that had somehow ended up under furniture. About ten minutes later, the pair have successfully cleaned up the living room, and Leonard starts making breakfast.

“Go get dressed for school, Lisa.” Lisa obeys and vanishes into her room. While she gets dressed, Leonard finishes making cereal and sets the two bowls on the table. After doing this, he goes to the refrigerator, grabs the package of beer bottles, and fills all but one of them with water. If he only drinks one today, he’ll be sober enough to go to work tomorrow. Lisa returns from her room in a t-shirt and jeans long enough to cover the scars on her legs, and they both sit down at the table and start eating.

“Is Daddy all right?”

“Yeah, he’s fine.” They spend the rest of the meal in silence, and then Leonard takes the dishes to the sink and instructs his sister to brush her teeth, which she does. He washes the dishes, puts them away, and then pulls out his math homework that was due two weeks ago. His teacher had been bothering him about it on Friday, and he can’t afford any more trouble at school. The principal had already made it clear the last time he’d gotten detention (for mouthing off) that if he was sent to the office one more time, he’d be expelled, and if that happens, he’ll be stuck at home with his father all day. Stupid school. It isn’t like he is going to benefit from school anyway-he’d heard one teacher tell another that he’d never make it through high school-so why do they force him to come? School doesn’t make him any money, so how do they expect him to support his sister? He needs a job, not algebra. After a minute or so of struggling, he gives up and decides that he will just take another F. It isn’t like he’s going to pass the class anyway. Just then, his sister returns with her backpack and asks him to walk her to school. He does, and about twenty minutes later, he is waving good-bye to her as she enters her second-grade classroom. He leaves the building and walks to the middle school.

“Hey, Leonard,” another kid says. Leonard nods in greeting but doesn’t reply. There’s no point in trying to make friends when your dad’s got a rap as the town drunk and a thief, so he never really talks to anyone except when he needs to prove how tough he is when he gets into fights with other kids. His day goes pretty typically until math class. Normally, it is his least favorite class of the day (because it’s at the end of the day), but today, when he asks his teacher to just give him an F on the assignment and expel him already at the end of the class (after sleeping through the rest of it), the teacher doesn’t yell at him, call him a punk kid, or expel him. Instead, he gives Leonard an odd look and asks him to sit down. Leonard obeys reluctantly.

“Is everything all right at home, Leonard? I know you and I have never gotten along well, but lately I’ve noticed that you’ve come in with bruises and odd-looking marks on your arms fairly regularly, to say nothing of how tired you always seem to be. Is something wrong?” Leonard freezes. How had he failed to realize that his injuries hadn’t been covered up adequately? If he’s not careful, the teacher might call CPS and then he’ll lose Lisa forever.

“What, are you stupid or something? Don’t you know that I’ve been sent to the office for fighting three times already?” No one really cares about him, so he might as well make sure that this guy stops pretending to.

“Leonard, no one gets injuries that look like belt marks from fist fights.”

“Belt marks? What’re you talking about?” Leonard asks, before rattling off a string of swear words. In response, the teacher gently rolls up his left sleeve, revealing several barely-healed scars from his father’s belt. Leonard’s mind whirls as he tries to come up with a plausible explanation for the marks, but before he can, the teacher asks,

“Leonard, who did this to you?” Leonard swears again and looks at the floor, trying not to meet his teacher’s gaze.

“Look, sir, it was nothing. I did it to myself for a dare, that’s all.” In response, his teacher rolls up his other sleeve, revealing marks from a hand clearly much larger than Leonard’s own.

“Is your father doing this to you?”

“Yeah, but it ain’t none of your business. I’m just an idiot, that’s all. If I wasn’t such a delinquent, he wouldn’t have to keep me in line. I’m just garbage, okay? I deserve everything I get,” Leonard replies, parroting his father. If the teacher believes him, he can go home and take care of his sister. So, even though his dad would’ve beaten him if he’d been a goody-good like that Barry Allen guy in ninth grade, he is perfectly willing to use his father’s words if it gets him out of his current situation. Lisa is probably worried about him.

“Leonard, no one deserves to be beaten so badly that they’re still black and blue days later. I agree that your behavior could use a lot of improvement, but I would never lay a hand on you unless you were to threaten the life of me or another student, and I have no reason to believe that you would do that. Your father is wrong to treat you the way he does.” Leonard shrugs.

“Maybe. But sir, you’ve gotta keep quiet about this. If you call CPS, I’ll be separated from my sister and they’ll put me in jail or something.”

“Who told you that?”

“My dad. I mean, he ain’t a great guy, but he used to be a cop, so he would know.” The teacher frowns and shakes his head.

“If your father told you that, he’s lying to you. CPS isn’t going to send you to jail-in fact, I don’t know if they even have the power to do that.”

“Look, sir, everything’s fine at home! Please don’t tell anyone about this-please. I don’t want to lose my sister.” His teacher sighs.

“Very well. But if I see you with injuries like that again, I will call CPS.”

“Whatever,” Leonard replies. He mutters a few more swear words and leaves the room, hoping that his teacher is angry at him now and determined to keep his injuries covered from now on. He leaves the middle school and picks up Lisa, then asks,

“So, sis, how’d your day go?” In response, Lisa frowns.

“Lydia Brown made fun of my clothes again and said that her mommy had told her that I was trash and would probably rob the whole class blind,” she says sadly.

“It’ll be okay, Lisa. When you’re bigger and become super famous, she’ll regret making fun of you. Besides, her older brother is in my grade, so I’ll just tell him to tell her not to mess with you, or he’ll have to answer to me.”

“Thanks, Lenny. You’re as brave and heroic as the Flash.” The two walk home to find their father gone. Leonard breathes a sigh of relief. Since he isn’t here, Lisa’ll be able to do her homework. Lisa sits down at the kitchen table and pulls out a math sheet, and Leonard starts making dinner. He’s still making spaghetti when Lisa asks him for help.

“Lenny, what’s nine minus four?”

“Five.” Despite his math grades, Leonard is actually really good at figuring. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be able to buy groceries and help his father pay the bills. He wonders what his teachers would think of that. After all, they all think he’s a stupid delinquent. None of them would ever guess that he’s responsible for taking care of his little sister, and he prefers it that way. Mockery is better than pity. Five minutes later, Lisa finishes her homework and Leonard finishes cooking the spaghetti and puts it in the fridge. This accomplished, he puts the clothes in the washing machine and then asks Lisa what she wants to do.

“Can we play dolls, Lenny?” Leonard groans. He hates playing with dolls, but he can’t disappoint his little sister. Except for their grandfather, who’s in the hospital, he’s all she has.

“Sure, sis.” The two of them get out Lisa’s collection of dolls (the majority of which come from either Goodwill or social service people who felt bad for her) and he asks,

“So, little sis, what do you want them to do?” Lisa grins.

“Let’s have Lydia (the creepy-looking porcelain doll she’d insisted he purchase at Goodwill) and Mariah (a rag doll with red hair) have a tea party and then go visit Tina (a Barbie doll with very short hair thanks to the previous owner cutting most of it off).” If it were up to Leonard, he would have all the dolls punch each other, but then again, he’s a man. Men don’t play with toys like little kids do.

“Sounds great, little sis.” An hour later, the game has somehow morphed into a really weird Star Wars parody featuring a female Flash (played by a knock-off Barbie) fighting the evil empire, which was lead by an evil emperor named Lewis (who was played by a cracked lawn gnome that had also been a Goodwill purchase), and both Leonard and Lisa have collapsed into uncontrollable giggling because Lisa had had the female Flash declare that she would defeat Lewis by vibrating him through a wall and then making him clean up all his beer bottles, only to realize how weird that sounded and declare that she wanted a do-over.

“Little sis, you’re the greatest,” Leonard says after he stops laughing-only to freeze in fright when he hears the door slam open and then slam shut.

“Leonard! Lisa! Get in here now!” The two rush to the door and find their father standing there with a bottle in his hand. He swears violently, slaps Leonard hard across the face, and then calls him a name that had gotten him suspended for three days when he’d used it at school. Lisa shrieks and clings to him, and he sighs and wonders how it’s possible that his father is drunk again when he’d made sure that only one of the bottles had had alcohol in it.

“So, you think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, you little punk? You filled my drinks with water and made me buy more to replace them. You moron! If it weren’t for you wasting my money, I’d be a millionaire, but no, I had to have a dirty, no-good punk kid instead! You’re supposed to respect me, not waste my money, you stupid brat! And now you’ll pay.” Leonard sighs and goes to fetch his father’s belt. Hopefully, it won’t hurt too much this time. Then his father grabs his shoulder and violently stops him in his tracks.

“No. I got a more effective way of punishing you.” He smashes his beer bottle on the counter and motions Leonard towards him. Leonard complies, unsure of what his father plans to do but too afraid to anger him. His father raises the bottle and brings it down hard across his arm, creating a spurt of blood. Then he shoves him into the counter and punches him in the ribcage. Leonard glances at his sister. She looks terrified, but hasn’t been hurt. Good. Leonard braces himself and his father gives him a black eye, then hits him with the bottle again, drawing more blood.

“Look, Dad, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I-I just wanted you to be happy, and you don’t seem very happy when you’re drunk.” He doesn’t really think he did anything wrong, but his father is scaring Lisa, so if he can bring the punishment to an end by apologizing, he will.

“You’re sorry? That don’t change a thing, you little sissy! You’re a sniveling little coward and I wish that you’d never been born!” He hits Leonard in the mouth, and Leonard tastes blood.

“Dad...please….”He has to protect Lisa!

“Shut up, you worthless yellow-bellied ninny!” His father raises the bottle to hit Leonard again, but suddenly, Lisa runs into his path and receives the full blow from the bottle. It opens up her shoulder and blood spurts everywhere.

“LISA!” His sister doesn’t reply. His father is right. He really shouldn’t have been born. If it wasn’t for him, Lisa wouldn’t be bleeding.

“You...you hurt Lisa!” he yells at his father.

“And if you don’t behave, I’ll do it again the next time. Maybe threatening to hurt her for your mistakes will make you give me some respect.” Leonard’s eyes widen in fear. Most of the time, he doesn’t know why his father gets angry at him. If his father starts hurting Lisa for his mistakes, he’ll never forgive himself.

“Dad, please don’t do that. Please, leave her alone! I promise I’ll never, ever sass you again, I swear. Just don’t hurt her again!” His father scowls.

“Whatever.” He looks over his daughter, then says,

“She’ll be fine. I know somebody who can stitch her up-and boy, if you even think about calling 911, I’ll tell them that you attacked her.” Leonard nods. He’ll never call 911 anyway, because if he ever does, he’ll lose Lisa. His father takes Lisa away a few minutes later, leaving Leonard alone with his thoughts. His little sister is hurt because of him, and he’s terrified. What if she dies? What if someone finds out what happens and he is separated from her? What if she decides she hates him for not protecting her? How much money is the surgery going to cost? How can he possibly trust himself to protect her after this? His father is right-he is worthless, and he always will be. He contemplates calling 911 so that Lisa will be taken away from their father, but quickly decides against it. Lisa will be terrified if she’s separated from him, and besides, what if the police believe his father and put him in jail? His grandfather will be so disappointed if that happens. Instead of calling 911, he grabs his father’s broken bottle and deepens the cut in his arm. If Lisa has to bleed, he should, too. Two hours later, his father returns with Lisa, dumps her on the floor, and demands dinner. Leonard gets the spaghetti out of the fridge, heats it up, and places it on the table. His father starts eating mechanically, and Leonard runs to Lisa. Much to his relief, her eyes flutter open after a few seconds, and she bursts into tears.

“Daddy hit me!” she wails. Leonard checks her shoulder and sees that it has been awkwardly stitched together. His heart breaks for her. Why does his little sister have to live like this when she’s done no wrong? She isn’t a delinquent like him or a drunk like his Dad. She doesn’t deserve this pain and poverty. Why has she been left with only a delinquent punk kid to raise her?

“Get your sister to stop crying or I’ll give you both something to cry about!” Leonard winces at the sound of his father’s voice and starts hushing his sister. About a minute later, she’s stopped crying and asks,

“Are you okay, Lenny?”

“Don’t worry about me, sis. I’m fine. How are you? Are you all right? Do you need anything? I’m so sorry that I let you get hurt.” His little sister isn’t supposed to worry about him.

“I’m….okay. Is Daddy still mad at us?”

“I dunno.” Leonard replies. He rocks her for a few minutes, and then his father finishes his meal and turns on the TV, then walks over to the couch and collapses on it. Leonard cleans up his plate, tells Lisa to eat, and then puts the wet laundry in the drier.

“Get me a beer, boy.” Leonard sighs and hands his father a can from the fridge, then joins his sister at the table and eats dinner. A few minutes later, Lisa finishes her food and tiptoes off to her room, and then Leonard finishes eating, cleans up the plates, puts away the laundry, and goes to Lisa’s room to help her plan her outfit for tomorrow. He leaves the room while she changes into her PJs, then helps her brush her teeth and tucks her into bed.

“Can you tell me another story, Lenny?”

“Sure, Lisa. What about?”

“Maybe one about some beautiful imaginary creature, like a fairy or a unicorn or a nice mommy who actually lives with her kids.” Leonard almost swears, but catches himself. Why does his sister have to live without a mother? What has she done?

“Okay, sis. Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Lisa, and her brother, Leonard. They lived in Central City and they were the best of friends, but they had a problem-their parents didn’t want them, and neither did anyone else, because they were poor and people thought they were bad and mean just like their Dad was, and their Grandpa was too sick to help them. But then, one day, Lisa met a nice man and lady while she was ice skating. They were really impressed by her, so they asked her who she was, and soon they became friends with her, and when they learned that nobody wanted her and that he dad was loud and angry all the time, they called the police and he got taken away forever, and then she and her big brother got adopted by them and lived happily ever after.”

“And they had a pony and their house was made of candy!”

“And that. The end.”

“You’re the bestest storyteller ever, Lenny.” A few seconds later, she’s asleep, and Leonard kisses her on the head.

“Love you, sis.” He leaves her room and goes back to the living room, where his father is still drinking. Someday, he’ll make his father regret this day, when he gets older and can fight him. Someday, Lisa will have everything she wants. But it won’t come from imaginary caring parents. They don’t exist. He’s the only one who can give her her happy ending, and he will-no matter who gets in the way or what he has to do. After all, his future is doomed already. But if he can keep hers bright, he will have succeeded in protecting her, and that’s the only thing that matters. He certainly doesn’t.

#trigger warning for abuse #flash rogues #len snart #lisa snart #dc comics #Lewis/Larry Snart's A+ Parenting #fanfic #@gorogues

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forkanna · 3 years

Link

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

They were about to find out.

Okina City had more opportunities for fun compared to the sleepy town of Inaba. Lots more shopping, dining, sights, sounds, smells. Rise breathed in the atmosphere with a huge grin as she walked through Okina Station, a slight warmth blossoming in her middle; even if she was very comfortable in her hometown, she did start to feel stir crazy due to the limited activities available. It was nice to get out once in awhile.

"Ebi-chaaaaan!" she called out to her cheerfully as she jogged down the station steps. The teen queen clad in the pink A-line with the kitschy black belt barely turned to look at her when she was tackled from behind.

"AH! Hey, hey, easy on the merchandise! Which is me, of course."

"Nope! We're gonna start bonding right away! I won't let you down!" That was one of her catchphrases in a drama she had starred in briefly. She even threw in a wink.

"Ugh. I'm not a hugger, okay?"

"Well, you said you wanted to give friendship a trial run, and this is the kind of thing friends do."

"Fine. Now that we're here, Atzrbucks or that fancy place? Chagall?"

Rise waggled her eyebrows at Ebihara, who only raised her own. "Oooh, fancy. You going to treat us with Daddy's money?"

"Sure. I mean, what do I care? As long as I don't buy a random sports car it's like the bank account is bottomless." Then she sighed. "No… I said I would stop doing that. And I will. But I don't think going to an upscale cafe would be a problem."

So they moved on to the Cafe Chagall. As they walked, Ebihara cast a longing look aside at a clothing store called Croco Fur, but she didn't stop until they were inside the lovely restaurant just past the boutique.

"Hey, you sure you didn't want to hit that place?"

"What?" Ai asked distractedly as they claimed one of the seats in the corner. "Oh… no, not really. I used to go there a lot… with…"

She didn't even have to finish. Rise frowned across the table at her. "I miss him, too."

"Hey, we don't have to spend this whole time throwing ourselves a pity party," she scoffed. "To hell with that. We are a couple of gorgeous, fierce women, and the world is our oyster. Maybe we can cruise a few guys."

"Oh, you're over Yu-kun already?" she asked, surprised.

"No. But it doesn't seem to matter, does it? He's gone anyway."

Rise felt her heart strings twinge. Poor Ai didn't even want to admit that she missed him — or at least, not the full extent of how much she missed him. So she reached across the white-and-blue-plaid tablecloth to pat her hand.

"So is that a no on cruising for guys?"

"I dunno," Rise laughed softly, taking her hand back as a man with dark glasses approached. She would have thought he was some random creep if not for the apron denoting he worked there.

"Good morning. You are more brave than I expected from girls of your age."

"I… huh?"

"My brewing process results in a blend that requires strong intestinal fortitude to weather," he went on in an ominous tone, jaw set behind his goatee. "I refuse to compromise my standards for anyone, even women."

"Excuse me?" Ebi demanded with raised eyebrows, sitting back and folding her arms over her chest. "You think we can't handle your coffee just because we're girls?"

"Hey, we're a lot stronger than you think, dude," Rise shot up at him. But unlike her friend, she felt guilty afterward and bowed slightly. "Sir." He was their elder, after all, and the owner of the establishment by the look of things.

"Are you?" he murmured, turned away from their table and staring off into the distance like some kind of anti-hero. "Very well. Then you shall place your order and the chips will fall where they may."

They both stared at him for a moment before Ai said, "Anyway… I'll have a nonfat latte, a drizzle of caramel."

"We don't serve that here. Not on my watch."

"Then what do you sell?" Rise asked more reasonably, hoping if she wasn't rude they would get this interaction over with quicker. "I thought I saw some pastries in the case on our way in."

"That is none of my concern."

"What kind of place is this, exactly?" Ai demanded in a rising tone of voice. "Do you want us to be clientele or do you want us to take our business elsewhere? Because you sure don't act like it matters if you make a sale right now!"

The man slowly shook his head, still staring into the distance. "That matters not. Only the experience, the rejuvenation of your mind."

Before her friend could speak again, Rise quickly said, "Two! We'll take two, and a couple of scones. Or whatever cake. Just bring us something."

The other two looked a little surprised, but the man did nod and move off behind the counter. "Got rid of Mr. Intensity 1994," Ai whispered. "I'm impressed, Kujikawa."

"Thank you, thank you. I'm doing my best!" She gave an exaggerated wink and giggle, earning her a long sigh from the other girl. "Okay, okay. So now we're here, we ordered coffee. What's up next?"

"You're asking me? I thought you were some big expert on friendship. Everybody knows you."

Rise smiled, looking around at the rest of the customers in the cafe. People going about their lives. "You would really think so, wouldn't you?"

"Hmm?"

"Listen. Just because I'm popular now doesn't mean I always was. Nobody expected me to amount to anything my whole life. And my parents… I still don't think they care about me. When I was little, all they wanted was for me to behave myself, so I did my best, like I always do, hoping that would earn their love. At least my grandmother has always believed in me, but even her, I would overhear her talking to my mom, telling her how worried she was that I wasn't going to be able to find my way in life. So… until I won that idol competition, I pretty much thought I was trash along with everybody else."

There was a small noise from the other side of the table. When she looked up, she could see Ebihara's lips squirming. "Ugh. It's really hard not to insult you when it's so easy. You're making it easy! Are you trying to trip me up on purpose?"

"What? No! God, can you stop being so paranoid? I'm really opening up to you — and you're the one over there coming up with insults!"

"FINE!" But immediately after half-shouting that, she ducked her head and covered her eyes. "No… you're right, I'm being a dick. Ignore me."

"Yeah, that might be a little difficult when the whole point of today is me getting to know you," she laughed.

"UGH."

"Hey. You seemed to talk with no problem last night, over text. Is it just harder to do it in person?"

This time, despite being taller than Rise, Ebihara looked small and helpless. With visible effort, she leaned forward and whispered, "I don't have to hear people's tone."

"Huh? What tone?"

"Mocking tone. You… tease me, everybody's teasing me… it's been like that my entire life. I had to change my behavior and assert my dominance, take control of my destiny. Or I would have been kicked around forever. Surely you can understand, after what you just told me."

Rise started to defend herself, the words were on the tip of her tongue. But she forced herself to say nothing until she had fully absorbed everything her schoolmate was telling her. Then she reached across to grasp Ebihara's wrist — ignoring the way she started at the touch.

"I'm not making fun of you all the time. Teasing you sometimes, yeah, a little. Nothing major. But even when I do that, it doesn't mean I think you're stupid, or not a person! You're just a huge bitch to everybody and I feel like you deserve being poked at now and then. To keep your head from getting too big."

Though her friend had tensed all over at the b-word, she relaxed as she listened to the rest, even if her expression was not too terribly thrilled. "I guess I am a huge bitch. But everybody else was to me first. I thought that's what I had to do to survive."

"Yeah," she chuckled. "It's a pretty valuable skill. I had to learn that one, too, but I also learned to start off with a big smile. So it's… kinda both? Works out best using both but starting with charm."

"Hmm… I don't… have that." Now she just looked completely lost. "You're probably sitting there thinking how pathetic this all is. How pathetic I am."

"Nope. Just that it's really sad everybody around you was so mean that they turned you into Regina George. It's not your fault. I think you probably did the best you could to be fabulous instead of frustrated."

"I did. And when we moved to Inaba, I swore to myself that I would never be bullied again. That I would take control of my destiny and totally reinvent myself. And I did! But I guess… you and Narukami have really proven to me that my journey isn't finished yet."

"Nope," she said with a big grin. And this time…

Ai smiled back at her. The expression was hesitant, the smile tiny, and her eyes were just as sad as they had been before. But it was such a big step in the right direction that Rise felt her heart leap in her chest. It was working! Maybe deep down, she had believed it was a pointless endeavour, but it was working against all those odds. Miracles happened every day.

"I got you," Rise said quietly, gripping tighter. "For real."

"Gross. But… thank you." The moment passed, and Ai pulled her hands back into her lap with a clearing of her throat. "Ugh, too much sharing and caring. Now I feel weird. Where is our goddamn coffee?!"

"Right here."

Both girls practically threw their chairs back from the table as their intimidating waiter set down a tray in front of them. As requested, two cups of coffee, and two scones.

"Oh… I, u-uh, thanks," Rise managed with a shaky smile. "What do we owe you?"

"Perhaps nothing. Perhaps… everything. Only time will tell." As he adjusted his sunglasses, a gleam reflected from the lighting; it was oddly cinematic. Privately, Rise thought she should probably mention this guy to the next casting director she worked for.

"Freak," Ai muttered as she pulled her cup of coffee closer once he had left them in peace. "Alright, it smells pretty good, but strong… should we just suck it up and, well, suck it up?"

Giggling, she said, "Good one. Alright… one, two… three!" Both of them took a healthy swallow.

And the world turned itself inside-out. The twisting in their guts couldn't possibly have been natural. Who would craft such a beverage? Why did they hate humanity?! It was as if they were being directly injected with adrenaline, all while the warmest, darkest creature ever spawned tried to claw its way out of their stomachs. This was far too much for any teenage girl to be expected to tolerate. In fact…

In fact…

~ o ~

When Rise came back to herself, she found she was lying down. Why? And where was she?

Once she sat up, she saw the barely-familiar surroundings of Cafe Chagall and only felt her confusion grow. Did she really pass out in the middle of a restaurant?! This was going to be some spectacular tabloid fodder if anyone had recognised her and decided to whip out their cell phone; not that everyone would do that, but just enough people to make it a concern. They would probably all start whispering about her having an underage drinking problem.

Well, to hell with that. Careful not to rub her face so she didn't smudge her barely-there makeup, she pinched the bridge of her nose and looked around.

"Oh."

Ebihara was blinking across at her, in a similar dazed state. Then she suddenly scooted away… on the long bench they were perched upon. Which wasn't even where they had begun — they were at a table with chairs! Though if they were both like that, it probably meant…

She had been lying with her head in Ai's lap. Wasn't that a little too close for them barely being friends?

"What… the hell…?"

"What did you do to me?" Ai breathed, her hazel eyes wide, chest rising and falling rapidly. Then a little more strongly, "Hey, I did not sign up for this. You had better explain yourself right now."

"Me?! Are you kidding? You had better be kidding, I really hope you don't think I could do something like-"

"Well I never thought we could have some kind of serial killer in a crappy little town like Inaba, either, and look how that turned out!"

Rise shook her head out firmly, clutching it through her hair as she pushed all that from her mind and tried to focus. "That coffee... call me crazy, but I think… that had something to do with it?"

"You are correct."

Both girls just about jumped out of their skin again before Ebihara shot to her feet and snapped, "Are you insane? I should have my daddy sue you for trying to frighten us to death!"

"To die would be a grand adventure," the mysterious man replied, eyes still shrouded by his sunglasses.

"Wow, not your choice. As soon as you're done spouting weird mystical crap, you can see about giving us a refund."

A long pause. "We do not believe in the myth of refunds."

"Just give us our money!"

~ o ~

"Well, I guess that was kind of a bust."

Ebihara looked as furious as Rise had ever seen her look as they stomped their way out the door. "Can you believe that weird old man? He might even have been some kind of creep — maybe he did things to us while we were unconscious! He-"

Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks, and Rise nearly ran into her. "Wha- hey! What's wrong? I hope you're not thinking about going back in there, I've had enough!"

"No… no, I suppose he wasn't a creep. Or he would have…"

With no forewarning, Ai took a sharp left and speedwalked inside Croco Fur. It was all Rise could do to keep up with her, still completely bewildered as to the reasons behind her bizarre behavior.

"Hello hello!" called out the cheerful woman behind the counter, bowing quickly. "Welcome! It's been a while, Miss Ebihara!"

"Yeah, yeah," she replied distractedly as she glanced behind her, as if she were running from some kind of demon. But the only one there was Rise — whose eyebrows were lifted so high they were practically part of her hairline now. "U-um, what do you have that's on sale?"

The woman started. "On sale? You've never been interested in that before, you just wanted to know what was new or trendy. And then told me-" She suddenly cut off and cleared her throat with an awkward smile. "My apologies, you can shop for whatever you want, of course!"

"Thanks, Reiko. C'mon."

Rise nearly stumbled when she was suddenly being dragged across the room toward sale racks. But she was too poised to actually faceplant; all that modeling experience.

"Okay," she hissed once they were in the corner, their lowered voices covered by sugary pop music playing overhead. "Spill, Ebi. What's gotten into you?"

"I'm just… really creeped out about that guy. Sorry." Ai finally refocused on her companion and grimaced. "Sorry, really. I know I'm acting like a spaz."

"Yeah! I mean, I'm freaking a little myself, but I'm pretty sure he just moved us to that couch because we passed out. Wow, what does he put in that coffee?!"

Out of nowhere, Ebihara started to chuckle. The sound was so unexpected that Rise just blinked at her for a moment, bewildered, before she finally started to laugh along with her. Then they were clutching each other's shoulders to keep from falling over due to the overwhelming power of their mirth.

"What the hell?!" Ebi finally giggled. "It's… not funny, it's terrifying!"

"I know!" she laughed back, wiping her eyes with her free hand. "We should probably call the police or something!"

Nodding as she grinned down at her friend, the girl who was normally such a bitch now looked like she was having the time of her life. Such a stark contrast. "Okay… okay, I'm done. We should probably shop so we don't look stupid."

Which they did. They didn't find much of interest, but they did enjoy flicking through the racks and commenting on how bad some of the selections were. Ebihara found a scarf she rather liked, even though it wasn't scarf weather, and Rise found a tube top with a popular cartoon character in the middle that Ai confirmed was cute enough that she could work it. A few other odds and ends ended up at the register by the time they were through. They soon departed with their bags of goods, in much better spirits than when they had woken up.

"Oh, I needed to pick up something else," Rise quickly spoke up when Ai started to turn toward the train station steps.

"Hm? What?"

"My friend needs a poster for… well, it's Yukiko. She needs a poster for Chie's birthday."

Ebihara smirked slightly. "You forgot I actually know who they are, didn't you?" When Rise only squirmed, she shrugged. "I know. This is officially the first time I have ever been nice to anyone, so you probably forgot I was the same person as that raging cunt from Yasogami High."

"Hey, I never said 'raging cunt' in my mind," she hissed at her. "So do you know where we could get something like that? A poster from an old kung fu movie?"

"Hmm… yeah. I mean, not for sure, but there's a place right down that way. Not far."

~ o ~

Okina Books wasn't especially bustling, even for the weekend. Few customers were poking around its crowded innards, in search of CDs or books or DVDs to fill gaps in their collections. The world's oldest music was playing from the loudspeakers, and Rise tried not to cringe; was this really the most modern choice available from their stock? It didn't even sound like it was from this millennium.

"Hey, Ebihara."

"Hey, Ohashi," Ai said to the cashier. She knew that overweight guy? Ai knew that guy?! "Anything new for me?"

With a little shrug, he stuffed the rest of his Pocky stick into his mouth and prised himself out of his seat to rummage around behind the counter. At first, Rise wasn't even sure he had heard her — until he came up with a CD that looked just as old as what was currently playing. If not older.

"'Purity'," he told her with slightly more enthusiasm than before. "With the original obi. This is some choice city pop, believe me."

Ai picked it up and tapped her chin. "Ritsuko Kurosawa… yeah, I don't know her. Really, who is… wait, did she do 'Hot Boy'? Or was that not her?"

"YES! Poor Rizco, she really didn't quite hit her target audience… just…" He made a whooshing motion with his hand over the glass countertop. "Blew on past and nobody saw her."

"I'll see her," Ebihara breathed with her eyes closed. Then she sighed and said, "Alright, how much?"

"Oh, two thousand."

"That's it? Wow, you spoil me." She handed over a couple of thousand Yen notes. Rise thought that might have been a little steep for an old CD, but not too unreasonable. "Any luck on…?"

They both looked up at the ceiling when she pointed, and Rise's eyes followed. It was still the same upbeat disco as before. "Oh, Mariya?" he chuckled easily. "I'm sorry!" His words of English were practically in time with the woman singing the very same, and Ai laughed with him. "No, no, it hasn't popped up on my radar. Sorry, really. But you'll be the first to know; I would call you for that one."

"Um… I don't get it," Rise finally put in with a slight laugh. "What are we talking about?"

"'Plastic Love'," they both said at the same time.

"I… huh?"

"It is pretty obscure," Ohashi admitted with a shrug at her. "Didn't chart much back in the 80s, either. Can't really blame you for looking at us like we're from… Mars…"

But now that was precisely how he was looking at her. He didn't even have to speak and Rise already knew what was coming; she had seen that look a thousand times before, and she was already summoning up her skills of both acting and diplomacy. Bracing for impact.

"Wait… are you-?"

"Yep!" she said cheerfully, but quietly. "But I'm just here with my friend, so if you could please-"

"Whoa, whoa, Risette is in my store. This is a special occasion!" Laughing a little more, he whispered from behind his hand, "Listen. You sign one of my copies of 'True Story' and I will comp you two whatever you want! Er, within reason, of course. Don't bankrupt me!"

Though Ebihara looked a little embarrassed that he was reacting this way, Rise quickly said, "I would be happy to just because you asked. Just one, though; I want to focus on my time with my friend here."

"Naturally." Then he was hissing at Ai, "Why didn't you tell me you knew Risette?"

"Because I have only gotten to know her recently," she sighed impatiently. "Guess it doesn't matter that I am a loyal customer."

"Well, it does, but… I mean… look, it's Risette."

"Yes, I am aware," she told him frostily before storming off into the recesses of the bookstore.

Honestly, Rise couldn't blame her. Even while she was cheerfully responding to Ohashi's gushing and relenting to sign not one but two copies of her last single for him, she felt a little twinge of guilt for stealing Ai's thunder — no matter how unintentional. But what else could she have done? Now all she could do was hope her new friend wasn't so upset that their tentative friendship ended before it began.

To Be Continued…

#we'll face ourselves #saphir de lune #rise kujikawa #ai ebihara #rise x ai #forkanna writes #persona 4 fanfiction #jess the writer

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youremeimyou · 5 years

Text

Promise Me(pt.1)

Part 1 - Part 2

pairing: Park Jimin x reader (ft. Kim Taehyung) genre: Fluff, angst and just drama.. word count: 5k warnings: alcohol consumption

Description: Y/N is Jimin’s longest and best friend. Certain feelings are caught and meanwhile, Jimin accidentally sets Y/N up with his other best friend. But not before getting her to make him a promise.

A/N: Lately, The image of Jimin being all tipsy in his ‘Saint Laurent’ t-shirt in that bring the soul episode has been either leaving me sleepless or appearing in my dreams. Gosh, whatta man.. So that infired me to write this story:) I hope you enjoy! I’d be really glad to have your feedback. Here, bless your eyes with the image I’m talking about:

The boy’s dorm building was only across the road from the girl’s. And that wasn’t exactly a long walk for Y/N on a normal day. But this freezing winter night couldn’t be considered that normal. Plus, Y/N had to fight against the strong wind that nearly knocked her out of her feet more than once. All of the snow piled up on the ground wasn’t helping either. Again, on a normal day she would’ve loved walking on snow. But at that moment, she just wished to somehow activate her inner mutant so that she could teleport there or something.

If only she wasn’t too lazy to tidy up her room a little bit, it could be Jimin who was trying to make his way to her place right now. Maybe a bit of a selfish thought. But on the bright side, he would have the wind on his back, maybe even help him move faster as it blew from behind him.

It was then that Y/N felt a presence, swiftly moving towards her. Or rather, running up at her. She couldn’t see much through the huge scarf covering most of her face. So, assuming the presence would be a stranger, she engaged attack mode. As she was flopping her arms and legs without even managing to land them anywhere on the guy, the guy easily held her arms in place, not applying much force.

“Relax Y/N, it’s me.”

Ah.. the sweet, soothing voice of Park Jimin.. A little shakey probably from all the cold, a bit small and hard to hear through the blizzard. Nonetheless, it still made Y/N’s worries go away.

“Oh, sorry Chim. I couldn’t see it was you. Did I get you?”

Jimin laughed a high pitched laugh.

“Well, you hit me pretty hard but I guess I’ll live.” he teased her. Meanwhile, Y/N adjusted her scarf to be able to see him properly. His cheeks were all red and his lips almost went purple. Thankfully he had a big beanie with ear flaps to protect his sensetive little ears, Y/N thought. Although an ill and whiney Jimin was cute, exams week was closing up on them. Y/N made plans in her mind to prepare some of her mom’s magical power up soup for both of them, just in case.

“C’mon let’s go inside.”

With Jimin’s arms wrapped up around her, the wind didn’t stand a chance. They quickly went through the door and ran up the stairs to his room. As soon as they were inside, the warmness of the room welcomed them. Y/N loved and despised this room at the same time. Because it smelled way nicer, was way bigger and way warmer in the winter than her own. Well.. Jimin always was the lucky one of the duo. And Y/N had been taking advantage of that for over a decade.

“So, what were you doing outside in this blizzard?”

“I saw last minute that I had lots of booze and very few snacks. And I know better than to not give a certain snack monster what she craves. So I went out to quickly take care of that.” He sent a wink her way. Little action, but a power move.

Y/N saw him taking off his backpack and appreciated the apparent fullness of it. She couldn’t hold herself back from reaching it to grab a starter. Somewhere along the movements their hands came into contact with one another.

“Woah Y/N, you’re freezing! Come here.”

Jimin led the both of them to the couch where a blanket was already present. They wrapped it around themselves and Jimin took Y/N’s hands in his, rubbing them gently. Blowing his warm breath on them every now and then. Looking at her with the softest eyes. It was moments like this that reminded Y/N how she was a doomed, doomed girl. Jimin was maybe the biggest tease she knew. Used on others, it was flirtation. On her, it was the affection he had for his longest, most valued friend. Y/N knew the difference between the two situations. But that just didn’t help the way she felt.

“Booze’ll help us get warmer faster. Let’s get this party started already.” Y/N made an escape towards his mini fridge to get the drinks. “Did you pick a movie yet?”

“No.. I thought we could just chat tonight. We don’t really get the chance to have our customary deep conversations that much anymore. You know, just the two of us.”

“Oh? I thought it made you upset when the gang leaves you alone like this.”

It was true that Jimin didn’t like being alone the least bit. After their meet-ups with their friends when everybody would leave at some point, Jimin would whine and beg Y/N to stay more. “C’mon, a bit more.. let’s lay down.” he’d say. “Wait till I fall sleep?” And of course she would. Everytime.

“But I’m not alone, you’re here. Besides, Christmas Eve kinda became our thing by now, didn’t it?”

For the last two Christmases, both of their families were always either working or on vacation somewhere. There were no gatherings to celebrate the event. So, they didn’t go home for the holidays and spent it in the dorms. And since all of their close friends went back home, Y/N and Jimin were left on their own. They decided to have their own little celebrations where only themselves were invited. This year was also the same. It was starting to become tradition at this point.

That was actually how it all started for Y/N. The first Christmas Eve they spent alone, something happened. A wire in Y/N’s mind changed. And she was trying to deal with that ever since. Hoping tonight wouldn’t make everything worse.

Y/N was setting up the coffee table with the drinks and snacks. Jimin had already started with some champagne. He downed the first glass in one go. Then poured another one for himself. After that he opened up a bottle of soju for Y/N, as he knew she liked starting off with that. They could both hold their liquor but Jimin was drinking even faster than usual. And after a while that made him get very tipsy very soon. He was going all out tonight.

“Hey, I meant to tell you. I signed us up for the Spring Musical Project. Since we’ll be self producing most of the parts, I thought you’d want to know early on. Maybe you wanna get started on the scores.”

“Wow there, Chimmy! I thought we had to audition for that. And also why am I the one working on the scores may I ask?”

Jimin giggled when he noticed her glaring at him with squinted eyes.

“Hmph.. Not after I convinced Mrs. Bora we don’t. And I’ll try to help you out in anyway I can but music making’s your specialty, sweety. We’ve been partnering in crime for like 15 years. I thought you knew by now that I’m the charm and you’re the brains.”

Jimin reached forward to tweak her cheek. Because of Y/N’s sensetive skin, the spot immediately turned red.

“Did that hurt?”

“Nope, not a bit.”

Jimin smirked.

“Good. Let’s even out the colors, then.”

He slided down from the couch to the floor, next to where Y/N was sitting. He was now pinching both her cheeks, making cute incoherent sounds. Annoying the hell out of Y/N.

“Cut it out Chim, or else.”

“Or else what?” he teased her.

She countered the attack by tickling him. His tummy and waist were his week spots and she knew that. It turned into a playful scuff and after some time Y/N won by pinning Jimin lightly on the ground. With the help of her body on top of his, of course.

“Okay, okay hahah.. you win ah- just stop tickl-“ he hiccuped suddenly from all the laughing. “..tickling me.” That was when she spared him from the torture. And that hiccup had to be the cutest thing she ever heard. Plus, his eyes had dissappeared from laughing too hard and he looked so… Then she realized how she was on top of him, completely pressed against his body and it was all too much. She tried to get up but her balance was off because of the alcohol in her system. As she stumbled between falling and standing, Jimin managed to get a hold of her from where he was sitting.

“You’re about to face-plant on the floor, Y/N. C’mere.”

He pulled her back on the ground and sat her between his legs. Y/N was tipsy but Jimin was drunk. He put his chin on her shoulder as he backhugged her. His speech was sluggish by this point.

“No one else has this, do they?” His hands went to her arms, then down to her hands to link them with his own.

“This.. what we have, I mean.”

“Jimin, what-“

“Even couples don’t have.. this. I’ve never been this carefree with any of my girlfriends. I could never have this much of a good time without thinking about anything else. We become very aware of our actions and like.. what they could mean or something, in a romance based relationship. But I don’t even think with you. I just know you get me. I dunno- does that make sense?”

Y/N could feel the air around them getting thicker.

“Yeah, but why-“

He turned her head slightly so that he could look her in the eyes.

“Y/N. This is serious, okay?” When he didn’t continue, Y/N slowly nodded so that he would.

“Promise me you’ll never have this with anyone else.”

“Jimin, why-“

“Do you promise?”

It was suffocatingly silent. Y/N knew what her answer was instantly. But she had no clues as to why Jimin would ask that. Or why he was being like this tonight…

“Okay, I do.”

Jimin’s stiffened look slowly softened after that. He wasn’t staring at her dead in the eyes anymore, either. Instead he had averted his gaze to the wall across the room.

“Taehyung likes you.”

Y/N jumped up with shock. A few seconds later, she sat back in front of him. This time facing him with a look that screamed confused as fuck.

“Jimin, what are you talking about?”

“He’s liked you for a long time now. He’d murder me if he knew I told you. But I had to. He might be my best friend but you’re my- well, bestest friend. Just don’t say anything to him about it.”

Taehyung was Jimin’s other best friend. He came into Jimin and Y/N’s lives in highschool. And after the two boys moved in as roomates in freshman year of college, they had become like brothers. Their characters were weirdly compatible. Jimin liked to be teasing and flirty but he was actually just cute as hell. Taehyung was shy and giggly but unknowingly he was sexy as hell. And Y/N did have an undeniable crush on him during the end of highschool and the beginning of college. But ever since things changed for her on the Christmas Eve of freshman year, she had forgotten about that.

Christmas Eve, two years ago was a night just like this one with Jimin and Y/N drinking and alone. Except, the faint sound of Empire Strikes Back could be heard from the TV. They weren’t exactly paying attention to it, both had seen it billions of times.

Jimin was nearly falling asleep with his head on Y/N’s lap. And Y/N had her attention on his hair. Running her hand through it in hopes to help him relax. Because Jimin had broken up with his girlfriend, earlier that evening. When Y/N asked if he’d wanna talk about it, their conversation went a little something like this:

“What’s there to talk about?”

“I mean, you guys didn’t really look like you were having issues. And you never told me that something was wrong. I just don’t get why you’d call it quits.”

“I didn’t wanna reflect this on you. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.” He sighed and continued. “The fact that I have this close of a relationship with you had been bothering her for a while now. You know, because you’re a girl. And I’m tired of trying to explain it. Maybe no one but us can understand this.”

“So, you dumped her?!”

“No! I wouldn’t do that, you know me. I wanted to work it out but she.. asked me to choose her over you. And when I couldn’t, she just ended it.”

She wasn’t actually the first girl to ask that of Jimin. But it was the first time he talked to Y/N about it.

“Jimin.. I’m so sorry about that. Look, I’ll be more careful in the future. I’ll talk to her if you want-”

“No, Y/N. It’s okay. I already let her go.”

“But I thought you said you loved her.”

Jimin closed his eyes and turned away from Y/N before he said what he said next.

“I don’t love her as much as I love you.”

And that sentence made Y/N lose her shit. She was freaking out, trying not to take it the wrong way. And she knew that Jimin probably meant it in the most innocent way but her stupid heart wasn’t getting it. It didn’t make her think Jimin was in love with her. It just made her realize that maybe she wanted him to be. And so, her life had been very complicated after that night. Everything was the same except she now had feelings for her best friend. Perfect…

Tonight though, she just learned a brand new information and had no idea what to do with it. Also, she couldn’t make sense of the way Jimin delivered that information either.

“Jimin. If that’s true, then why are you telling me? And why now?”

“I guess the answer to both is because I’m drunk enough right now.”

Jimin got up, walked to his bed and plumped down on it.

“I wanted to say that- ugh I don’t wanna sound awkward.”

He just cared about her more than anyone. Because Y/N didn’t really find dating around easy or preferrable, there haven’t been any serious situations where he’d have to worry about her being hurt. But this time was different because he knew she had liked Taehyung in the past. The idea of things changing was stressful for Jimin. At least he got her to promise that they wouldn’t change.

“I guess I’ll be okay with it if you guys ever progress into anything.. more? Yeah.. Let’s go to bed. Tomorrow’s Christmas!” And with that, he lied down, loudly yawning and getting ready to sleep.

Normally Y/N would lie down next to him and cuddle. Jimin was a natural hugger. And although Y/N made it look like she didn’t like skinship at first, there was no way Jimin would buy that. He always remembered a little girl who’d come to him for hugs when she was sad, not caring about seeming strong around him.

But tonight, Y/N went to sleep on the other bed instead. Because frankly, Jimin had annoyed her. He had just told her she was allowed date people, as long as she promised not to care about them more than Jimin himself. That was just selfish and inconsiderate in Y/N’s eyes. Cuz it wasn’t like he ever asked Y/N’s consent when he was the one dating people.

She decided to just sleep on everything that happened. So she closed her eyes and pulled the covers over herself. That was her first time falling asleep on Taehyung’s bed.

—–

The next morning –afternoon, really- she was being called back to consciousness by a deep but muffled voice with a tall figure hovering over her. But she didn’t wanna get up yet. That’s why she closed her eyes that were barely even opened in the first place and burried her head under the sheets. Only to be welcomed by the balmy fragrance belonging to the owner of the bed she was in. The scent could easily pull her back to dreamland but the deep voice just wouldn’t go away. Then a hand softly made contact with her shoulder, nudging it only a little.

“Yeah, what?”

“Y/N, wake up it’s me.” Y/N’s brain slowly started to decipher the deep voice. It sounded more and more familiar until it clicked. Taehyung.

She made a quick move to turn around and straigthen up on the bed. But since Taehyung was hovering over her and didn’t expect her to get up so suddenly she crashed into him. They bumped heads and it was both an embarrassing and a slightly painful experience.

“Sorry I- I’m so stupid-”

Taehyung couldn’t help but giggle.

“No, it’s okay. Are you okay?”

Y/N was also smiling. “Yeah..” Then she remembered who she was talking to and who’s bed she was in. Panic crept up to her brain in mere seconds. What was he gonna think about finding her in his bed, all messy and obviously hungover?

“Sorry I woke you. Your mom called. She couldn’t reach you. I guess Jimin was M.I.A for a while too, so she tried me. Lucky I came back early and found you. She sounded worried, maybe you should give her a call.”

Y/N’s mom had a habit of making a fuss when she couldn’t instantly reach Y/N. She searched for her phone, scanning through the bed with her hands. Until Taehyung reached over to the nightstand behind his bed. Doing this made his chest hover over Y/N once more, but this time at a much closer proximity cuz he was now sitting on the bed. He looked at Y/N and saw her stiffened posture because of that closeness, as he was pulling back.

“Oh, sorry.” His face was visibly getting redder. “Here.” He held out her phone. That’s right Y/N thought. She had put it there before going to sleep. As she was taking it from his hand, she saw how he was staring at the ground, timidly. He even scooted over to the other side of the bed to put the distance he unknowningly closed, between them again. And that summarized his sexy but shy character up perfectly, Y/N thought.

She decided to just text her mom instead of calling. It might’ve had something to do with being a little bitter about how her mom was always busy with other things on mostly every Christmas. Meanwhile she glanced over to Jimin’s bed and found it was empty. She thought about texting him. But then, her eyes landed on the coffee table and saw his phone was still there, where he left it last night. She found it to be strange. Why would he be in such a hurry that he’d forget his phone, on a free day like Christmas day?

What she didn’t know was Jimin had woken up in the middle of the night, feeling cold. When he realized the space next to him was empty, he looked around to find Y/N sleeping soundly on Taehyung’s bed. So that’s why he was cold. She had never slept anywhere but next to Jimin in all the times she stayed over. But as soon as he revealed Taehyung liked her, there she was, under the covers and all that. He hadn’t been able to sleep until the morning after that. So he had just up and left to clear his head.

“By the way, sorry for crashing on your bed. I uh- I know it looks weird-”

“Wha- No, it’s okay.” Taehyung could only appreciate the sight in front of him. “I knew you were gonna spend Christmas Eve with Jimin again, I knew you’d be here.” The twist was, he expected to find them curled up in Jimin’s bed as usual. But with him gone and with Y/N on this bed, he could sense something was up. He wasn’t gonna press about that, though. And Y/N appreciated it.

“So, why are you back so early?”

“Well, my parents planned a trip for three days including Christmas. But since we have exams coming right after the holiday, I thought I’d skip the whole thing. So we had a very early Christmas breakfast just before they left and I came here.”

“Oh. So you’ve joined the rest of us losers who get to spend the holiday here?” She joked around bitterly.

“Yeah. Kinda sucks how I spent 8 hours to go to and come back from home but I’ve only seen my parents for like 6.”

“At least you had breakfast with them. I haven’t had a proper breakfast since forever.”

It wasn’t like Y/N couldn’t cook or something. There just wasn’t much time for breakfast in their busy lives. With school, part time jobs and always getting up super early, days went by so fast. But today was a free day. And Taehyung had an idea.

“Well, we can actually make breakfast.. right now. Well, it’d be lunch but I’ve been grocery shopping before I came here.”

The offer put a smile on Y/N’s face, exactly as Taehyung wanted to achive.

“Can we make pancakes?”

They started off by searching for a recipe online.

“Got it. Pancakes for 2 persons-”

“We should probably double everything. Since we’re three with Jimin. Three with big appetites.” Y/N was proud of how much they all loved eating to be honest.

“Right, yup. Oh and by the way, do you know where he went off to?”

“Uh.. no.” She was starting to think Jimin left becuse he was upset with her for some reason. Her guess was close enough.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll show in a bit. And we’ll have breakfast ready for him.”

That cheered Y/N up a little. They were now trying to cook with two people in the very cramped up kitchen part of the room which only consisted of a stove, one counter and a mini fridge. It was a mess with Y/N bossing Taehyung around telling him what to do. Taehyung being mischevious and getting flour all over Y/N. Constantly bumping into each other and laughing like crazy. Total chaos but too much fun. And they were getting good looking pancakes as result.

All of this was helping Y/N remember why she had a crush on Taehyung and how it made her feel back then. Between all the giggling, they didn’t hear Jimin opening the door. They did hear the loud bang that came out when he shut it, though. Jimin was obviously not expecting such a view in front of him. He had a confused and somewhat hurt look on his face until he saw that the coffee table was set up for three people. He also saw his phone was there which was another relief for he had thought he dropped it somewhere.

“Taehyung, you’re already back?” He was talking to Taehyung but looking at Y/N.

“Yeah. No Christmas at home for me either this year. C'mon let’s dig in before the pancakes get cold.”

Only two types of conversation happened as they ate. Between Taehyung and Y/N. And between Taehyung and Jimin. Until Y/N decided to break it.

“Chim, where were you all morning?”

“I couldn’t really sleep from the cold all night. So I went to the coffee shop as soon as it was morning, to get warmer.” That was a figurative rock thrown at Y/N for not cuddling him, despite knowing how sensetive he was to cold. She rolled her eyes. But even though she had done it to kinda punish him last night, it still made her feel bad.

“Guys I should get going. Gotta take care of some school stuff.” Y/N said as she got up to walk to the door. “But tonight, I’m hosting Christmas dinner and you both have to come, no excuses.”

Jimin smiled sincerely -for the first time that day- at how she could easily get bossy and motherlike.

“You’ll also be required to have some of my mom’s magic soup I’ll make to protect us from the cruel winter, so be prepared.” And with that, she walked out. Jimin’s eyes watched her with adoration as she left. But his face dropped when he saw Taehyung had the same expression.

“Bro, I wish you were here this morning when I came in.”

“Why?”

“Cuz I kinda freaked out when I saw her all snuggled up on my bed. I hope she didn’t notice.”

“I think it went okay, Tae. You guys had alone time like you wanted.”

“True. I just get so nervous, man. But I think there was something there while we were cooking together. I hope I’m not being crazy.”

There was something, alright. And it was all thanks to Jimin and his big mouth. But why was it this hard to even think about these two people he cared deeply for, becoming closer?

It was nearly evening when Jimin saw Taehyung getting ready, trying extra hard to look good. While Jimin himself was relaxed on his bed.

“Dude, going somewhere fancy?”

The confident Taehyung posing stiriking looks at the mirror, instantly turned into a giggly kid at Jimin’s comment.

“Well, dinner time’s closing in. I thought I’d go over to Y/N’s a bit early and maybe help out?”

“Oh..” Jimin got up at once. He was quickly getting ready, putting some casual clothes on in a rush and talking at the same time.

“Uhh, actually I’m supposed to go earlier because we were gonna work on some moves for the Spring Musical thing. I should probably hurry over there.” Jimin moved at lightning speed towards the door.

“O- Okay.. I should let you guys focus then, I’ll be over later.”

He was thoughtful despite being dissappointed so Jimin turned back just as he was about to leave.

“Sorry, bro. Thanks.” he said and darted out.

When Y/N answered her impatiently knocked door, she didn’t expect to find Jimin, looking soft in his oversized hoodie but staring her up with a fierce demeanor. Curse and bless that duality.

“Hey, angel.” He let himself in. “Do you need any help with the dinner?”

“No, I already have everything ready. But you can set up the table, Chimmy.”

Y/N was glad they didn’t seem to be at odds anymore. Neither of them was good at staying mad at the other.

Jimin went over to the little cupboard where he knew the utensils were and brought two sets of everything to her little table. Y/N thought of it to be habit, as it was just the two of them mostly. So she grabbed and placed another serving on the table, herself.

“Hey we should call Tae over before dishes go cold.”

Jimin rolled his eyes. “Right, I’ll text him.”

“Can you check if the soup has enough salt?” Y/N was holding out a spoonful of it for Jimin to taste. He leaned in with his mouth wide open but Y/N stopped him suddenly.

“Wait! It’s hot you silly.” She blew on the spoon. “Now you can have it.”

Jimin looked at her fondly before tasting it.

“Mm~ it’s perfect.” He booped her nose and she scrunched it. But she actually loved it when he did that.

“Did you text Tae yet?”

“I’m about to, woman. What’s the rush? Sick of me that easily?” He was whining and complaining like a child, Y/N loved it when he did that, also.

“What’re you talking about? Meals are gonna get cold.”

Jimin did text him finally, but not without frowning.

“Did you and him talk about- you know..?”

“Wh- No! Why would I bring that up? You shouldn’t either. Ever.” Y/N felt flustered enough as it was. After finding out about Taehyung’s feelings, she had become confused about her own.

“Why? Don’t you like him as well?”

“Jimin- Can we drop the topic? He might walk through the door any second!”

“No, he’d knock first. Even I knock.”

And he did knock. Right at that second. Y/N ran to answer it, all the while sending Jimin implying looks to get him to keep his mouth shut about the subject.

“Am I late?”

“Nope. Actually right on time.” Right on time for Y/N to escape Jimin’s interrogation.

“I was surprised when Jimin texted this soon. Did you already decide on moves for the musical?”

Jimin’s eyes went wide with panic. Caught in a lie. Fortunately, Y/N caught on quickly and didn’t want any fuss.

“Uh.. well no, not yet. What Jimin came up with was no good.”

Hurtful.. But Jimin let it go because she did just saved his ass there. Although he was sure she’d question him about it later.

Dinner went great with everyone having fun. Then, they were about to move from the table to where the small, shit TV Y/N brought from her family’s old house was. As mentioned before, Y/N’s room was smaller than Jimin and Taehyung’s. So was her couch. If they were gonna watch Home Alone as planned, one of them had to sit on the floor cushion.

After losing rock-paper-scissors Jimin was stuck doing the dishes. Y/N went to the TV to put the movie on and Taehyung took a seat on the couch, waiting for her to join him when she was done. But Y/N sat on the cushion instead, trying to be polite to her guests. As Taehyung was contemplating on how to get her to come up to the couch, Jimin appeared and went straight to sit next to Y/N.

“Guys, isn’t it cold to sit on the ground? Maybe we can all squeeze here.”

“There?” Y/N looked up to him over her shoulder and joked bitterly. “You don’t even believe that.”

“Alright but at least one of you can come up here. Y/N?”

“Nah, I’ll warm us up. C’mere, panda.” Jimin pulled Y/N to him until there was no more space and trapped her in his embrace. Taehyung wasn’t supposed to get jealous. They’d always do that. Cling onto each other any chance they get, casually hold hands and even sleep next to each other. But the eyeing look Jimin occasionally gave him over his shoulder made it seem like all this wasn’t just bff stuff. Taehyung felt that maybe Jimin was trying to keep Y/N away or even, to himself.

After the movie was over, Taehyung excused himself, saying he felt exhausted. He was awake since before sunrise, after all. Actually, so was Jimin but he on the other hand didn’t plan on leaving any time soon. Y/N was seeing Taehyung out, with a smile on her face. Taehyung returned it shyly, eyes on the ground until he gathered the courage to look up at her through the fringe of his hair.

“Thanks for everything. Especially the soup. I had a bit of a sore throat but not anymore. You’re my hero.”

That last part came out with so much meaning, words dipped in his velvety voice. And it made Y/N beam at him.

“You wanna hang out tomorrow?”

Jimin stopped breathing. Of course he was listening in before, while pretending to be on his phone. But right now, they had his full, undivided attention.

It came as a bit of a shock to Y/N as well. It wouldn’t sound like a big deal -just hanging out, if it weren’t for the eager look on Taehyung’s face.

“Yeah..” The word just slipped out of Y/N’s mouth before she could even think.

It was Taehyung’s turn to beam. “Great.” With that, he bid his farewell and left, all the while grinning like a fool.

Y/N was also smiling while closing the door but that was only until she turned around and saw the we’re about to have a serious talk face Jimin had.

“You do know he meant that as a date, right?” Jimin had gotten up from his seat, panicked and jumpy.

“Why did you lie to him about coming here early?”

He scoffed at her attempt to change the subject.

“Because I wanted to talk to you alone, about all this. Would you rather I brought him along?” His voice was loud.

“What more is there to say? You’ve already told me you were okay with it!”

Jimin dropped all of his defenses at that. Because it was true. Why wouldn’t he be? Taehyung was maybe the only guy he could trust with Y/N. So he wasn’t really worried. What was the name of the feeling sitting heavily on his chest, then? He didn’t know.

“I know.” he said in a low voice that sounded like a whisper and sat back down on the couch. “And I want you to feel- I dunno.. happy. I see how you smile at him, too.” He was more mumbling than talking. Because it was hard saying all this, for reasons he didn’t understand. “You know I love your smile.”

Y/N blushed out of nowhere at his last comment. And the upset state of him softened her so she went over to him. Jimin continued:

“I just, I guess I don’t like sharing your smile.. or you.”

Y/N brought her hand on his chin to pull his head up and make him look at her.

“Chim Chim.. you’re worried about nothing.”

He tried to avert his gaze once more but Y/N held it in place.

“Hey, I mean it. Because it’s not even a big deal as you make it out to be and even if it was.. I already promised you, didn’t I?”

Jimin wanted to be relieved. And he pretended to be in that moment and said goodnight shortly after. But as he strolled outside in the cold he felt like there was more he wanted to say to her. He silently promised he would, as soon as he figures it out himself.

…

Author’s note: Hello:) That was long, sorry. I just can’t stop writing this one. Thank you so so much if you bared with me and read it, I hope you liked it. I’ve got more intense stuff planned for the story so this will have at least one more part for sure. What do you guys think? Who should Y/N end up with?

173 notes · View notes

nataliedanovelist · 4 years

Text

GF - Worth It

My half of an art-trade with @calista-222. I hope you like it! They were cool with pretty much anything but then suggested a Stan O’ War fic and I just had to go for it! I love seeing how the Kings of the Sea are doing out on their dream boat!

If any of you are interested in an art-trade, hit me up! More information can be found here!

~~~~~~~~~~

Stan opened his eyes, but it took him a minute or two to truly wake up, and then a few more minutes to figure out what woke him. His back was sore, but that wasn’t what pulled him from his slumber. There was no disturbing light or sounds. No storm that rocked the boat and no sense of incoming danger.

An echo of voices. It wasn’t fair to call it a nightmare, because there was no “plot” and no real fear, just a lurching feeling that something was wrong, a deja vu feeling from the end of summer.

“It’s me! Grunkle Stan, it’s me!”

“It’s all gone.”

“I KNOW my grunkle is in there somewhere!”

“Stan has no idea, but he did it. He saved the world. He saved me.”

“We saved the world, but what’s the point?”

“... you’re our hero, Stanley.”

Stan sighed to himself. Many other voices had plagued his sleep, but those stuck out. He can still remember what he was thinking and feeling that day. First, confusion. Just mild confusion with no real panic. Then a bizarre what-did-I-walk-into feeling, like he was invading something private. When the stranger in the suit hugged him he automatically felt compelled to do something, but he had no idea what and no one was asking him to do anything. That wasn’t true; they were begging him to remember. But remember what? Did he forget something important, like an item at the grocery store, or a task he had to accomplish? It didn’t seem likely, all he really knew was his own name, and that was only because everyone around him called him that. Then when they were in the house he finally felt comfortable, the first real feeling like he belonged, and then right before Waddles jumped on him he had a strong sense of regret, but for what?

It was no wonder that by the end of the day he was exhausted and fell asleep with his family clinging onto that old armchair. Forget fighting an unholy demon, that rollercoaster of emotions was enough to knock anyone out cold for days.

Stan, now fully recovered and with all of his memories (all of the important ones, anyways), still occasionally had to live with the consequences of his actions, like unpeaceful night of sleep and the sickening feeling that his family’s suffering was partly his fault. Sure, Sixer made a deal with the triangle in the first place, and yes Mabel traded the rift away, and yeah okay Stan only agreed to it because he believe it was the only way (and because it was just too easy), but the fact that he caused those kids and his brother so much pain really stinks.

Oh well. What was it that Ma used to say? No use crying over spilt milk? Hm, milk. Stan threw off his covers and decided to get up and have a midnight snack. He popped his back and then glanced up at the bunk bed above him, then shook his head when he found the bed empty; Ford was elsewhere on the Stan O’ War II. Stan slipped on his slippers and pulled on his robe before leaving the small bedroom for the main area on the boat, the living room, dining room, and kitchen all in one small, confined space.

Sure enough, sitting at the dining table with books and journals before him was his nerdy twin brother, with an empty cup of joe by his side. Most of the light came from the moon outside, leaking in through a window, and a bright lantern on the table. Ford looked up at him and gave him a concerned look. “Everything alright, Stanley?”

The old conman shook his head. “Yeah, just gettin’ a midnight snack.” He opened the fridge and grabbed the carton of milk, checking to make sure it was still fine to use before fishing out the pot to heat it up. “Want some warm milk?”

“Thank you, but no thank you. I’m in the middle of a good train of thought and I would rather not disturb it with drowsiness that would lead to sleep.”

“Geez, Poindexter, you do know that humans need sleep to, I dunno, not end up dead, right?”

Ford chuckled and wrote something down in his journal. “Yes, I know. I swear, once I finish this I’ll go to bed.”

Stan just smiled and whisked the milk in the pot. “Fine, whatever. But if I have to pull your sorry butt outta the Arctic ocean again, you’re gonna…” The younger twin was interrupted by a distant cellphone ringing, a cheerful tune. He hurried back to the bedroom with his brother closely behind him. It sounded like Mabel was calling and she might need help. Just in time, Stan picked up his phone from the nightstand and answered it, putting it on speaker so Ford could listen. “Mabel, pumpkin?”

“Hi, Grunkle Stan!” Her cheerful voice rang.

Stan could breathe a little easier. He and Ford heard from those kids at least three times a day via text messages, e-mails, and phone calls, but usually their calls weren’t at three in the morning. “Hey there, sweetie. Whatcha up to?”

“Nothing, just missed my favorite old guys in the whole world.” Mabel said, and it sounded like she was being honest. No nightmares and she needed counselling, no bad boys giving her grief, no girls making fun of her. She truly was calling just to call.

“We missed you too, pumpkin.”

“Hello there, Mabel.” Ford called as they walked back to the main room to make sure the milk wouldn’t burn. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah! Waddles got to come to school today! My art classes needed a good muse and I volunteered Waddles! He got to roll around in front of the whole class and just be cute while he painted and sketched or whatever everyone felt like doing, and he loved it! Our teacher even gave him potatoes! He had so much fun!”

“Course that fat, naked jerk would love all that extra attention.” Stan sneered as he whisked some honey into the milk. “How’s your folks liking him?”

“Dad loves him! Says he makes the perfect football-buddy! Mom was unsure about him at first, but now he follows her around and she likes him enough. Kinda like someone else I know who claims to hate him but actually really really loved him.”

“No idea what you’re talking about. How are your parents?”

“They’re fine. Busy. Dad’s working on this new TV show about a boy with magical powers and alien stepmoms, and Mom’s really busy at the hospital. It’s mostly been Dip-Dip and I and Waddles here.”

“Mabel!” A voice interrupted her from afar. “Do you know what time it is?!”

“It’s only seven, Dipper, relax.”

“That means it’s three in the morning for them!”

Mabel gasped as she realized her mistake. “I thought you said eight hours back, not forward! I’m sorry, guys!” She said to her great-uncles. “I’m sorry I woke you up!” She was worried that she had scared them or had bothered them from a goodnight’s sleep.

“Nah, we were awake, sweetie, don’t worry about it.” Stan reassured her. “Don’t you ever apologize for calling, okay? I’m always happy to hear from you, no matter what time of day.”

“Well, okay. If you're sure.”

“We’re sure, my dear.” Ford added. “Is your brother there?”

“Yeah! Hold on… DIPPIN’ SAUCE!” It sounded like Mabel was running towards him and soon her end of the line was on speaker, too.

“Hey guys, sorry, I told Mabel…”

“Dipper, get off her back.” Stan chuckled. “It’s like I told her, I don’t want any of you little gremlins to ever say sorry for calling, okay?”

Dipper was grateful that his uncles couldn’t see his reddening face. “Okay. So… uh, how was Galway?”

“Oh, it was beautiful!” Ford answered; he took the phone from Stan so he could work on the milk safely and he sat at the table. “You kids would have found it breathtaking! The architecture of the town was gorgeous…”

“The Galway Girls were prettier.” Stan added in.

Ford chuckled. “Yes, apparently Stan managed to charm a handful of ladies there, one inn-keeper in particular took a fancy to him.”

“Took a fancy, what year is it, ya nerd, 1886?”

The kids laughed at the other end. “Did you find any selkies or mermaids?” Mabel asked; ever since Ford told her about selkies she had her heart set on seeing one.

“No, not yet.” Ford said. “But I promise that when we meet one we will let you know.”

“Do you honestly think selkies are real?” Dipper asked. “I mean they’re not like sirens or any other species that has been discovered; it’s a species entirely dependent on magic.”

“Magic is nothing more than science we can’t explain, Dipper. I’m sure that there is, at least, a possibility of selkies existing. Now, a bit off topic perhaps, but tell us about the robotic club. You said you’re working on a recreation of an old robot from an 80s movie?”

Dipper and Mabel happily chatted about their day while their uncles listened. Stan, a few minutes later was leaning against the counter with a mug of warm milk in his hands. He sipped his beverage as he watched Ford listen attentively, the phone on the table, the picture of Mabel and Dipper lighting up the tiny screen. Despite everything, Stan smiled contently, knowing that if he had to do it all over again he would.

#GF #gravity falls #ford pines #stan pines #mabel pines #dipper pines #fanfiction #gift #calista-222 #art trade #hit me up if ya wanna do one

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subarashiet · 4 years

Text

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

#personal rant #confession

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axther · 4 years

Text

the dead things we carry

in the end, it’s all dust to dust.

oc x reader

warnings: blood, lovecraftian horror, swearing

To live is to suffer.

That was what Fredrich Nietzsche said, anyway. But mortal opinions were not what Gazadrdiel brought himself to be part of. He had one job, one fate, and one opinion alone.

Watch the child.

The child in question, a female by the name of YN LN, was not quite a child anymore. She had grown and persisted for almost eighteen years under Gazadrdiel’s watchful eye and created her own thoughts, despite the hive mind that Gazadrdiel always observed in humans. Though, he couldn’t truly expect her to have a mind like humans. Not when she wasn’t one.

Gazadrdiel glanced down at the young woman, watching her murmur over her phone. He couldn’t care less who she was talking to; merely that she stayed out of harm’s way. Two others were at her side. One was a human girl, with a pep in her step and hair she had dyed half pink, half blue. She was pastel aesthetics from head to toe, and she seemed to flit from one sight to the other with wide brown eyes.

Speaking of sights, the other one was a boy. He was by no means human, with a writhing tattoo that crawled over his skin like black tentacles, but he kept the guise with black hair and blue eyes. He glared at anyone that so much as glanced at the quartet before looking over YN’s shoulder at her phone.

“Yo, Gaz.” YN didn’t look up at him but fiddled with a headphone in one ear. She leaned into the mic like she was on the phone. “D’ulli’s supposed to be around here, right?”

“Supposedly.” Gazadrdiel floated upside down, letting his snowy wings flop down like dead fish. Mortals couldn’t see him, but the boy stifled a laugh when he turned like a rotisserie chicken. “Chances are, she’d notice Nikolai first, then you. Mates, you know.” Gazadrdiel couldn’t care less, but a quelled, laughing joy rose in him when YN pointed a finger into her mouth and gagged.

“Hets. So disturbing.” YN shook her head and Nikolai stifled another laugh with his hand while looking away.

“Hey!” The girl turned around while walking with a light glare. “We are not disturbing! We’ve actually got an incredibly diverse culture, and we…” She rambled off, crossing her arms and turning around again before she could see YN and Nikolai exchange a look.

“Why is she here, again?” YN pulled the mic up again but Gazadrdiel heard her clearly. He shrugged.

“Mandatory human presence.”

YN gave the girl’s back a disgusted look before dropping it. “Why does she even act like that? It’s gotta be something that I don’t have…”

“Extra brain cells. She doesn’t know what to do with them.” Nikolai gave a short huff before fondling his hair, making the mess flop in front of his left eye. YN looked at him with confusion.

“You gotta stop doing that. You look like...I dunno, a cringy Gerard Way? We’re in twenty-twenty, dude. We have better taste than that.”

“My taste is better than that. It’s my style.” He stuck out his tongue.

“You don’t even look like you should have that hair. You dress like you should be an e-boy or something.” YN pulled at a lock of Nikolai’s hair before he swatted her hand away.

“She’s got a point.” Gazadrdiel raised a relenting eyebrow. Nikolai huffed before looking off to the side. YN dropped the mic and went back to looking over her phone, texting someone that Gazadrdiel didn’t care to check. His eyes drifted over to the girl herself, watching the same black tattoo as Nikolai’s crawl around her neck and shift like a snake. It remained just under the ponytail she had, enough that it was out of eyesight, but with Gazadrdiel floating above her, it was clear within his sight.

The guardian remembered back to the first time that he truly met YN. It was her thirteenth birthday, she had just been considered ‘of age’, and Gazadrdiel had been ordered to inform her of her status.

“You’re not human.”

Thirteen-year-old YN stared up at Gazadrdiel with wide, confused eyes. Her hair fell into her eyes and she was on her bed, playing with a stray feather from Gazadrdiel’s wings. Her shyness gave way to her confusion and awe.

“What?”

“You are not human. You are one of an elite race of remote, ancient entities that oversee the lives of humans.”

“Like...God?” YN looked from Gazadrdiel to the feather, and back. “Are you my guardian angel?”

“If it’s easier for you to think that way, then yes.”

“If my dad’s God-”

“Not God. There is not one god. Not here.”

YN faltered. “Why am I here?” Her brow was furrowed with confusion and sadness that no child should feel. “Where is here?”

“Earth. You are here because your father, Azyrre of the stars and sky, is the eldest and most superior of the Ionians. Your parent’s best friends, Xothrith’ri of the mountain and Vhozi of the trees, decided to send you here because of the unparalleled risk and power you represent, and the fact that your father’s old lover has and will attempt to kill you using their child, who killed the Ionian of the tides, Z’undi.” Gazadrdiel nodded, like he was checking off a list, eyes half-lidded with his white eyelashes getting in the way of his slitted eyes. YN had a mixed look of disgust and confusion, with one side of her nose tilted up.

“So...some lady-”

“We can’t really say Iuhxyu’s a female, to be honest. It gets confusing with all the tentacles.”

“Decided to send their kid-”

“N’ikicite of the fire.”

“After me, who killed my...mom?”

“Again, genders aren’t really a thing with the Ionians, but essentially.”

YN groaned and covered her eyes. She flopped onto her back and the plush comforter puffed around her, sending a teddy bear to the ground. Gazadrdiel leaned over and picked it up, letting his tanned fingers barely trace over a beady black eyeball before placing it gently at YN’s feet.

“I’ve been instructed to watch over you. Since your father is so…” Gazadrdiel waved his hands a bit, trying to find the right words. “Elite amongst the Ionians, and with Iuhxyu deciding to prove their dedication to your father through killing you, there are many enemies after you. And that’s where I’ve been instructed to come in.”

YN said nothing but brought up a pillow to her face. Gazadrdiel sat at the edge of her bed, letting his bare feet touch the carpet with a grimace. He shelved it, though, seeing as the child in front of him was having a breakdown.

“Amongst Ionians, you are Angyosz of the moon. You are a living legend, for having avoided Iuhxyu for so long.” He paused. “You can thank me for that.”

YN said nothing for a moment, before moving the pillow so one eye peered at Gazadrdiel.

“Who are you?”

Gazadrdiel hesitated. “I am Gazadrdiel, subservient of the ridge.”

“Gazadriel?”

“Gazadrdiel.”

“Gazadriel.”

“Gazadrdiel.” Gazadrdiel huffed, wrinkling his nose. “Gaz.”

“Gaz it is.” YN moved the pillow back across her whole face. “How come we look normal? Except for your...wings.”

“Earth cannot contain our true forms.” Gazadrdiel hummed. “Mortals cannot see me, and you haven’t decided your true form yet. So you copy everyone else off of instinct.”

“Instinct?” The shocked cry was muffled until YN threw the pillow off and sat straight up. “Wait, this isn’t what I really look like?”

“Nope,” Gazadrdiel popped the ‘p’. “No one will know what you look like until you turn eighteen.”

“Ugh,” YN fell back onto the pillows. “And I gotta deal with a kid after me, too.”

“Not quite.” Gazadrdiel stood and walked over to YN’s desk, picking up a book with a phoenix on the cover. “You’ve already got that covered.”

“Huh? Wait, how?”

“Nikolai. Nikolai Volatire.”

“Wait, Nicky?” YN tittered. “No way he’s tryna kill me! Unless he, like, killed the kid or something...”

“You’ve managed to befriend N’ikicite.” Gazadrdiel put the book down. “How, I have no idea, but you have. And he’s no longer hunting you.”

“Wow. How many other…?” YN looked directly at Gazadrdiel for the first time since he first appeared in her room.

“Many. Earth is essentially a nursery. They all should theoretically kneel to you, but there’s no one to stop them from slitting your throat. So it’s best that you find the local ones and befriend them.”

“You guys are twisted.” YN wrinkled her nose but hopped out of her bed. “How am I supposed to find others like me?”

Gazadrdiel shrugged. “You think up of a way. Humans made the internet. Use that.”

YN gave him a half-hearted glare before nodding.

“Alright.” YN paused, looking at her hands before looking back up at Gazadrdiel. “What are we called?”

Gazadrdiel looked at her with surprise, honestly having not expected her to ask. He closed his eyes with a soft smile.

“Hionera. The Ionian youth are called the Hionera.”

“You think that’s her?”

YN’s voice snapped Gazadrdiel out of his thoughts and he glanced down at her. She was looking intently at something across the street, and Nikolai stopped playing a game on YN’s phone to look up. The other girl had been walking in her own little world and ignored when YN pointed across the street, into a little cafe.

Indeed, there was someone there. She was a young woman, in a sleek black dress with red hair that oozed maturity. There was a squad of humans around her, chattering loudly and trying to get attention. More than one man was leaning across the table, talking in hopes she would lend her ear. People that passed by did double takes and some tried to discreetly pull out their phones and take pictures. Like she was struck, she stiffened and turned her head ever so slowly and discreetly over to where YN, Nikolai, Gaz, and the girl were. Her eyes, a vivid purple, lowered slightly, and it was clear that she had zeroed in on Nikolai. She looked him up and down before licking her top lip, slightly. Nikolai flushed, played with his hair a bit more, and took back YN’s phone.

“Oh, yeah.” Nikolai looked back down at his game. “That’s gotta be her.”

“Hehhh.” YN let her chuckle drone. “Gaz, you were right.”

“Naturally,” Gazadrdiel hummed.

“Should we send Nicky to the wolves?” YN gave a malicious but animated chuckle when Nikolai snapped his head up with a furious flush.

“Don’t call me Nicky! And no! You do it!”

“We could send Cassie,” YN mused, and the girl snapped to attention.

“You could at least introduce me as Cassiopia to her! It’s a cuter name! And it makes me sound special.”

“No,” Gazadrdiel shut down the suggestion. “You go, YN. We can’t force N’ikicite.”

“Don’t call me N’ikicite-!”

“Bet.” YN began strutting across the street, looking almost hunched over. She walked to the cafe with a purpose, and the crowd around the woman parted in awe at her blatancy. The woman narrowed her eyes before relaxing them and checking out her nails.

“What do you want?” Her voice was deep and edgy, like she smoked.

“D’ulli?” YN raised her hand like she was in class. The three others trailed behind her, with Nikolai almost trying to hide his entire self behind YN. “Right?”

D’ulli narrowed her eyes, and the crowd around her seemed to shift. “What do you want?”

“This is N’ikicite, that’s Gaz, and I’m Angyosz.”

D’ulli’s face went from restrained disgust to piqued curiosity. “And who’s the girl?”

“Oh.” YN waved a lackadaisical hand. “That’s just Cassie. She’s normal.” “Hey!” Cassie snapped out of her daze and crossed her arms. “What do you mean, normal? I’m about as weird as they get, and I embrace it! Not only do I…”

The four others ignored Cassie as YN sat on the spare seat, and the crowd let out a gasp. Nikolai gave an uncharacteristic squeak and made a dive for the next seat over, and Cassie took the seat next to him and D’ulli. YN propped her feet on the table, and the men on it scattered like cockroaches.

“D’ulli of the rains, we have come to make an oath of allegiance. Ihuxyu of the earth core is after me and I want allies.” YN crossed her arms casually, and D’ulli raised an eyebrow.

“If Ihuxyu is after you, then why is her son with you?” She looked at Nikolai and gave a flirty wink. The poor boy took a deep breath in and looked like his soul left his body. “Tell me, N’ikicite of the fire. Why are you with your mother’s mortal enemy?”

YN snorted before Nikolai could answer, and he glared. “She’s not my enemy…”

“Or you’re just a simp.”

“I’m not a simp-!”

D’ulli raised a hand. “I get it. You two aren’t at each other’s throats-”

“Most of the time.” YN mused.

“Here I am called Daenerys.” The entire table fell silent, and D’ulli flushed. “What?”

“Daenerys? Seriously?” Nikolai raised an eyebrow, and YN took her feet off the table to stare at D’ulli with shock and confusion.

“My copy was reading it.” D’ulli reared up, clearly threatened. “It’s the name she said when I met her…”

No one spoke, but YN blinked owlishly. There was a moment of awkward silence before D’ulli broke it again.

“A-Anyway, I’ll be your ally.” She stiffened, placing her hands on her lap. YN smiled and put her feet back up on the table.

“Great! Then I’ll-”

“At a price.”

“Name it.”

“A night with N’ikicite.”

“Wait, what-?”

“Deal.”

“Wait, what-!”

“No, YN.” Gazadrdiel smacked YN at the back of her head, and she whined and rubbed the sore spot. “You can’t offer up N’ikicite.”

“Thank you, Gaz!” Nikolai stood. The side of his arm had caught fire from nothing, but YN didn't so much as flinch. She flicked a hand and a jet of water from D’ulli’s drink doused the flame. “And don’t call me N’ikicite!”

“Why not, N’ikicite?” D’ulli batted her eyes at Nikolai, who reared up.

“Because I just met you!” He waved his hands. “And I like someone else-!”

“You can say ‘YN’, we won’t judge you.” Cassie piped in.

“Shut up! And it’s more than that! You can’t just do that, YN!” Nikolai whined, looking ready to cry. “That’s not fair!”

YN pursed her lips. “You can just say no.”

Nikolai paused, his eyes popping open. “Huh?”

“Deal’s off,” YN turned to D’ulli, standing and bowing a bit. “Thanks, but you heard the man.”

D’ulli sputtered as YN took Nikolai’s hand and began dragging him away, leaving Gaz and Cassie to trail behind them. She watched them go, with Nikolai gasping and stammering the way into the distance, blinking as the crowd around her murmured to life. She looked down at the table and noticed a scrap of paper. She snatched it and popped it open with a nail, before her eyes went wide.

719 266 2837, in case you change your mind.

“I still have no idea what happened.”

Gazadrdiel was floating above YN’s bed, watching Nikolai hold his head in his hands. YN’s room hadn’t changed much from when she was thirteen, and she still sported the same desk-one that she sat at with her computer open. She was on Craigslist, updating an ad for Hionera she had.

“D’ulli wanted to fuck you. You didn’t want to. We left. Bada bing, bada boom.” She finished her sentence with a definitive tap to the period key and say back with a sigh. “It’s whatever. What can rain do against the earth’s core?” YN made jazz hands when she said and it put a joking accent on ‘the earth’s core’.

“But still…” Nikolai watched as YN checked her phone. “What, you waiting on a call?”

“Kinda. Don’t worry, dude.” She waved a hand and pointed at Gazadrdiel. “So that’s...what? The third that we’ve turned down so far?”

“Fourth.”

“I can go back and say yes.” Nikolai looked like a kicked puppy. “I guess I was just surprised.”

“Nah. Like I said, what’s she gonna do? Rain on your mom?” YN paused. “Heh. Your momma so big…”

“We need to make sure that the next couple Hionera we talk to, we accept. The more we reject, the more likely word’s gonna spread that we’re picky.” Gazadrdiel plucked off a stray feather from his moulting wings. It fell onto Nikolai’s head, but he said nothing about it.

“I can just talk to her-!” Nikolai started, but YN cut him off.

“If the rumour spreads, then technically, it just makes everyone think we have an elite force. And then it’s like...people are gonna want to join.”

“That’s wishful thinking.” Gazadrdiel hummed. “If you think the Ionians are proud, then the Hionera are devils.”

“Guys!” Nikolai barked. Both YN and Gazadrdiel jumped, looking at him.

“What’s up?” YN said a bit sheepishly.

“I don’t mind spending the night with Daenerys! I can just tell her I don’t want to...you know…” He flushed, but before anyone could say anything else, Mother Mother began blasting from YN’s phone. Hayloft played as YN picked up her phone and squinted to see who the caller was.

“You need to get glasses,” Nikolai murmured.

“Shut up, shut up. If we’re lucky, we won’t have to talk to D’ulli again.” She waved a hand, put the phone to her ear, and answered. “This is YN. Or Angyosz, depending on whether or not you’re mortal. Uhh...whatcha need?”

The room was tense and silent.

“Uh-huh. Yeah, this is her.” YN nodded, pursing her lips. “Yup. Yeah.” She glanced at Nikolai. “Well, you heard him…”

Nikolai shot up from the bed, realising who YN was talking to. Gazadrdiel flew out of the trajectory of Nikolai’s head when he began trying to pry at YN’s arm to get the phone, and his own braid smacked him in the face.

“Gimmie, I can-” Nikolai whispered urgently, but YN smacked his arm.

“Dude, shut up!” She whispered back. “Fucking-yeah! I’m still here!” Her voice rose again, and Gazadrdiel watched the two fight over the phone while trying to not insult D’ulli on the other end.

“Yeah, he’s a bit shy, that’s all-”

“YN, give me-!”

“And he’s kinda stupid too!”

“YN, just gimme the-!”

“Nicky, I swear to god-!”

“YN, there is no god for us!”

“Yeah! We’d really appreciate it!” All the struggling ceased when YN gave him a pointed look with a smile. “Seriously, that’s super nice of you. Is it okay if I save your number?”

Nikolai backed up when YN rose and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

“We can do the pact over text, it doesn’t really matter. Just so long as we have your consent. Yeah, no problem. Thanks again!” She gave a thumbs-up to Nikolai and Gazadrdiel, both of who sighed in relief. She hung up and shot a finger gun to Nikolai.

“Ayeeee...gotcha!” She threw the paper in the trash and began typing on her phone, presumably to write the pact to D’ulli. “She was touched by the fact that we ‘forsook’ her for your comfort, and now she’s in the squad!” She made a sing-song voice for ‘squad’ and danced a little bit. “Now that’s what? Twenty-six?”

“Twenty-eight,” Gazadrdiel smiled softly. “We got lucky.”

“We always do, Gaz.” YN closed the tabs on her computer with a wiggle. “We always do.”

There was a comfortable silence for a moment before YN stood with a satisfied sigh.

“That’s probably all we’re gonna manage to squeeze before the date, lads.”

“Wait, what?” Nikolai looked disturbed, and Gazadrdiel’s brow furrowed.

“We have a day before your eighteenth birthday. Can no other Hionera answer the ad?” He floated over to YN, who shrugged.

“No one could make it before the week is over. It’s Wednesday, my dudes.” She plopped onto her bed with a sigh. “It’s pregame season, or whatever football nerds say. Shit will be fucked...soon.” She waved her hands before placing a spare pillow over her face and resting her hands over her stomach.

“It’s too soon.” Nikolai sat on the edge of her bed. “What’s gonna happen, Gaz?”

“I…” Gazadrdiel faltered. “I don’t know. YN’s been my only ward for...for a while. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen. Chances are, they’ll just ask what you want your true form to be like. It’ll be nothing too drastic, since Iuhxyu is after you. If they do take you away, then...the chances are high we’d never see you again.”

YN groaned into the pillow, and Gazadrdiel was viscously reminded of when he first told her, all those years ago.

“Big yikes.” She murmured before going silent. Nikolai laid across her legs with a huff and Gazadrdiel wrapped himself up into his wings. He hated seeing YN so nervous, no matter how either of them hid it. If anything, Nikolai was the most expressive of them all. At least he took the liberties he wanted.

Gazadrdiel shook his head with a sigh and leaned over Nikolai. “Are you going to stay the night again?”

Nikolai nodded, tossing an arm over his eyes before scooting across the bed so he was parallel to YN. There was space between them, but Gazadrdiel still gave a stare at the two’s closeness.

“And did you check off the calendar, YN?”

There was an affirmative groan, and he pursed his lips and floated over to the light switch to flip it off. He still glowed ever so vaguely in the dark, but both Nikolai and YN seemed undisturbed.

And like a sentient cloud, he hovered over the desk and hid himself within his wings, and he fell asleep, only hoping that he could protect her a day more.

Gazadrdiel woke up right before it happened.

Gazadrdiel didn’t get dreams. But that night he did, with a thousand voices screaming at him and the night sky staring down at him with a million eyes. The sea crawled up his legs and pulled him under, and when he finally opened his eyes, he saw the moon. It was beautifully glowing and pristine, and when he held out his hands to hold it, it fit. Tears came to his eyes, even underwater, and a choking sensation overtook him.

Then, the voice came.

His eyes snapped open right before the glass broke, and before he knew what he was doing, he was kneeling over both Nikolai and YN. The hefty glass doors and windows burst just as he laid his wings over YN’s sleeping face, and immediately the shards embedded into his wings. Gazadrdiel let out a howl, and both Nikolai and YN woke. The younger of the two leapt up in his seat, panting and face to face with Gazadrdiel, but YN simply laid there with wide eyes. She was shaky but rose and began assessing the damage.

“What the fuck?” She bit, and a wind began tearing through her room. It was ferocious, like a hurricane, and Gazadrdiel brought his wings up to protect them again, despite the pain. Rain pummeled in, and YN stuck a hand out through Gazadrdiel’s wings. He let out a yelp of worry, but she poked her head out and glared through the rain and the leaves.

“There’s something out there!” She gasped, and nudged Gazadrdiel’s wing ever so slightly. Before he could shove her back under the protection, she ran out, and both Nikolai and Gazadrdiel yelled, at the same time.

“Jesus Christ! It’s a hurricane out there! Come back!”

“YN! Get back here!”

YN ignored them both, soldiering through the rain and the wind until she came to the edge of her balcony. She held a hand in front of her eyes to try and shield from stray debris, but a rock clocked her in the cheek and made her lose her balance. She glared into the darkness. A thousand beady lights glared right back at her, and she reared up.

“You’re a day early!” YN howled, before wincing. The tattoo on her neck had begun worming left and right across her skin, and it felt as though it was searing her skin. She brought her spare hand up to try and hold it in place, but it wriggled in and out of her fingers. Finally, she slapped it on her bicep with full force, and it writhed pathetically like a dying snake before going still. At once, the rain stopped and held itself in mid air, suspended like diamonds. She panted, staring into the abyss as Nikolai rushed past Gazadrdiel and onto the balcony, and the guardian himself cautiously approached.

“Why are they here? Gaz!” Nikolai spun around and glared at Gazadrdiel. “They’re a day early!”

“No,” Gazadrdiel stared at the little lights before grabbing Nikolai’s shoulder and pulling him back. “I think...we’re a day late.”

YN ignored them both, watching as the darkness moved. A cancerous, insipid, coarse, solemn fear came over her, and her glare fell into a fearful look. Something, something baleful and sleepless and terrible, crawled out of the darkness. It had no mouth, but eyes upon eyes upon eyes and horrible lanky arms. It had tentacles for hair and it’s entire torso was a bloody, exposed ribcage, and it crawled on all fours across nothing but air. It looked as though it should have reeked, but YN smelled nothing.

Another thing came out of the shadows, and this time, it had not one, not four, but nine arms, all snowy white and long-fingered. It’s face was long, like a horse’s might be, but huge human teeth jutted out at painful angles. In the middle of it, it looked like there might have been a human nose, and a human eye to the right, but the left was so deliriously disfigured that it looked like something from a corpse pile. It had hair light straw and a torso that looked malnourished, but all in all, it could have once been a man.

“What are you here for?” Nikolai spat, only somewhat trying to fight against Gazadrdiel’s hold. YN’s face went from fear to being perfectly blank, head tilted and eyes wide. From just beyond the clouds, the moon came out, and like a bloodstained pearl, there were blotches of red and gold across the great light.

The second Ionian began to speak, it’s mouth moving but no sound coming out. It only looked at YN, like she was the only thing in the world. The hand that YN had over her eyes fell, and a single tear fell out. Nikolai started struggling harder against Gazadrdiel’s grip, but it was no use.

“Go! We have one more day! Why…!” Nikolai began to plead. “Why are you here?”

“They came to take me back,” YN whispered in a mournful reverence. She began to blink quickly, but tears began falling out nonetheless. Some, in the bloody moonlight, looked pink, as though tinted with blood. Nikolai howled like a dog, but Gazadrdiel still held him back.

“No! No! No! We still had a day! You promised us!” He didn’t seem to be talking to YN or the Ionians in particular, but cursing the air itself. It grew thick and warm, but no one else seemed to notice. The first Ionian leaned forward and extended a long and bony arm, letting a long, claw-like nail poke at the exposed skin of YN’s shoulder and drag across. It cut like a knife through butter, and blood began to pool out. But instead of flowing down and dripping across the balcony, it perfectly dissolved, evaporating into the air like water. YN didn’t even seem to feel it, but gave a fish-eyed stare at the second Ionian, who never looked away.

The first Ionian let it’s claw hang in front of YN, and the hand that held the tattoo let go and began to slowly drift towards the hand. Gazadrdiel gasped.

“YN, think before you do this. Once you accept the bloodbond, you can’t go back. If you wait until you’re twenty-one, you can bide your time. You don’t have to leave yet.” He tried to not let the fear of her going leak into his voice, but he had no idea she would go so soon.

YN’s hand stopped moving, but the second Ionian’s mouth started moving again. Her eyes went blank and just before her hand touched the first Ionian’s, Gazadrdiel let out a yell.

“You were supposed to tell her! To tell her the full consequences!” He looked not at her, but at the second Ionian. “Vhozi! That was your job!”

Vhozi tilted it’s head, finally looking away from YN and looking dead on Gazadrdiel. The guardian didn’t falter, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t terrified. Vhozi spoke, and still no sound came out. Gazadrdiel felt his blood freeze.

“I don’t know all the consequences.” He stood firm, and for a moment, Nikolai stopped struggling. “I can’t tell her. You or Xothrith’ri has to, and Xothrith’ri doesn’t have a mouth.”

Vhozi’s eyes narrowed, and it was bone chilling. It’s mouth moved again, and then it looked back to YN. She looked at him, and at once, a thousand emotions ran through her face. Fear seemed the most prominent, but at the end, she seemed calm. Vhozi gave a shadow of a smile and moved to the right, letting Xothrith’ri take center stage. Nikolai let out a scream that felt so earth-shatteringly heartbroken that Gazadrdiel nearly let him go.

“No! Oh my god! I wasn’t ready! I-I love you! YN! For fuck’s sake, let go, Gaz!” He choked on his own tears and spit, flailing like a crazed man and lighting Gazadrdiel’s wings on fire. “You can’t go! Not yet! We could go together! I can’t let you go!”

YN closed her eyes, a blissed expression taking over her entire being. The moon glowed brighter, Vhozi was grinning, and quietly, YN took Xothrith’ri’s hand.

The next thing that happened was like a silent bomb. There was no noise, nothing to prove that it had happened. But it erupted in a brilliant light, white and red and gold, all at once, and YN had her mouth open in a scream that would never sound. Her eyes were no longer e/c, but a blank white, and when she bent over in pain, her spine looked ready to burst out of her skin. She threw her head back, and Nikolai fought, and the Ionians watched, and Gazadrdiel could only silently cry as she let out one last bone-chilling, blood curdling scream. It was the scream of a soul being ripped apart, of something dying a thousand times and being reborn only once.

Then, the light burst, and there was only darkness.

Gazadrdiel didn’t know how long they had been there.

Morning had come and gone, with a sobbing Nikolai in Gazadrdiel’s arms. YN’s apartment had been completely destroyed, and the bed was nothing more than stuffing and feathers from the pillows. Neighbours stepped out and stared, but with a tired wave of Gazadrdiel’s hand, they all turned and spoke no more of it. Nikolai didn’t move besides his body-shaking sobs, and the fires he had induced on Gazadrdiel’s wings had long gone out. The guardian himself was still in pain, with the blood from the glass shards and the burns from the fire almost definitely disfiguring them forever. But at the moment, all Gazadrdiel had on his mind was comforting Nikolai. The Hionera seemed as though he would never move again, with how he refused to move from the fetal position.

Gazadrdiel watched him, and then eyed the bright sun above them. It seemed to be getting later in the afternoon, and Gazadrdiel knew that if he didn’t get Nikolai to his mortal parents, he would have more trouble on his hands than what he was at all emotionally capable of.

“Nikolai,” Gazadrdiel whispered. “Nikolai, we have to go. I need to get you home.”

Nikolai said nothing but responded with a fresh wave of sobs, curling even further into himself. Gazadrdiel sighed.

“N’ikicite.”

Still nothing.

“I’ll carry you.”

Gazadrdiel picked up Nikolai bridal-style and walked across the ruined balcony, letting the glass and splinters dig into his bare feet. Nikolai popped an eye when they entered YN’s room, only to wail louder and curl into Gazadrdiel’s embrace. Gazadrdiel himself felt tears beginning to come on, but ignored them in favour of walking through YN’s apartment door and beginning the trek to Nikolai’s house. He knew that if he pushed using his wings, they would be irreversibly ruined, but seeing as he couldn’t just waltz into Nikolai’s house with the Hionera in his arms, he knew it was a sacrifice he had to make.

The sun was shining, people were staring, the flowers were blooming, and at once, Gazadrdiel felt the great grief of the loss of what was his only friend. He knew he couldn’t mourn, not until Nikolai was safely home, but he had no idea what YN was doing, or if she even survived the encounter. For all he knew, she was launched to Pakistan and was trying to make her way back home. The bloodbonds were so disambiguous that he could only hope that by some miracle, YN was still on earth, and all she had to do was crawl her way back to Gazadrdiel and Nikolai.

He stopped, right in front of a tree that led up into Nikolai’s room, and Gazadrdiel looked at his wings with a grimace. They were charred and a bloody brown, but Gazadrdiel still spread them and gave one last push.

Gazadrdiel let out a subdued scream, feeling the pain rocket through his system as he landed on a branch. Trying to ignore the urge to drop everything, including Nikolai, and cry, he pried open Nikolai’s bedroom window and slipped in. Nikolai peeked out from his huddled self and watched as Gazadrdiel gently placed him on his bed, before standing perfectly still. Nikolai sniffed.

“Thanks,” He murmured, wiping his nose with his sleeve. He looked up at Gazadrdiel, who was staring at the ground and swaying from side to side. His wings seemed almost clipped, like they could fall off at any moment, and wounds covered his entire body. Gazadrdiel nodded, and reached up to his shoulder. He pulled out a large shard of glass and dropped it onto Nikolai’s carpet. They both watched as it bounced and landed, and Nikolai looked back up to Gazadrdiel.

“Are you okay?” Nikolai croaked.

Gazadrdiel dropped to the floor, and all he knew was darkness.

“Let her go, Gaz.”

#the dead things we carry #oc x reader #lovecraft #i really got to invested writing this in a compitition with like one other teenager #i played myself #etsi's og works #Original Work

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rivia-odyssey · 4 years

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I’m gonna go on a tangent, so to make understanding me easier, lemme just drop a key of names here.

Claira = my stepdaughter; aged ten Joe = my boyfriend, Claira’s adoptive father. Brad = Claira’s biological father. Sam = Claira’s biological mother. as a step parent to a ten year old girl, it really hurts me to see how many posts float around here on tumblr about kids who feel hated and rejected by the people their parents chose. I try really hard to let my stepdaughter know that I care, even when I’m hard on her. And not gonna lie? I’m fucking terrified that she’s gonna grow up to hate me because I’m kind of hard on her sometimes, but I think I have to be?

Her mother is troubled. She’s nearly thirty and can’t stop obsessing about who’s she’s dating, chasing men, or what have you. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing your own thing. Let your freak flag fly. She can fuck every guy in town - I don’t care. That’s not really my concern. My issue is that Claira meets this rotation of random men and I can see it twisting something in her. She used to be such a naturally sweet kid, but she’s growing cynical. *She’s ten* and she’s nearly as sarcastic about people as I am at twenty-seven - and while she’s had her issues, my life was WORLDS more fucked up than Claira’s has ever been. So, that’s pretty heartbreaking, tbh.

Sam flips between talking to her ten year old like she’s someone to pal around with - IE; talking to her about things that ten year olds really don’t need to worry or think about, treating her like a gal-pal and not like a kid - and wanting to be the Authority Figure. She keeps trying to straddle the line between being friends with her kid and being the parent, even though historically, we’ve all seen that it makes Claira *more* combative than if you draw the line in the sand and keep to your side. Understandably, it’s probably pretty confusing to have your mom let you jokingly talk shit while goofing around one day, only to get your head bitten off the next when you crack and joke and Mommy decides you’re being disrespectful tomorrow. For some background, my ten year old stepdaughter is not even my boyfriend’s biological child. He was dating Claira’s mother, Sam, when she was pregnant, having just broken up with Brad. Joe stayed to take care of Claira while Brad moved to Philly with his new girlfriend. Then they moved to NJ about a year and a half ago. They’re about to move to Michigan next month. All of these locations are hours away from us. For ten years, he hasn’t lived in the same zip code as his daughter. For reference, in 4.5 years, I’ve spent more time with Claira than Brad has in ten. He sees her twice a year, though his custody agreement with her mother says he’s supposed to be seeing her every other week. He picks her up for a week in the spring and the winter, if he can be bothered to spend the money to drive down and get her. (By court order, transportation is his responsibility and he regularly makes excuses about why he couldn’t manage to get her regardless.)

Brad only calls if we hound him to. Claira is starting to make angry comments about it. (”He’s not gonna call.”/”He doesn’t care.?”/”He never does what he says he’s going to do.”)

So, coming back to the point, I have this ten year old who feels like neither of her biological parents give half a flying fuck about her until they feel like it. Joe and I live with his parents (his dad had heart surgery a while back, we moved in to help out while he was out of work, just haven’t moved back out yet). And Claira LOVES to come over because she adores Joe’s father, her Pop-Pop. Well, since the Coronavirus became a rising problem and states shut down, Claira has basically been living at my house. We’ve tried to keep the tone of things fairly light for her, because we don’t want her to be afraid to out. So, we yanked out the pop-up camper and set it up in the backyard.

(Funny sidebar, she’s dubbed the pop up camper her new apartment and has been basically living in the backyard for four days. Comes inside for meals and potty breaks. That’s it.)

She’s over for weeks at a time without a peep from her mother. Not a text to check in. Not a call at night to ask about her day. Nothing. She doesn’t ask about whether her online schoolwork is getting done. And the first time she’s bothered to get in touch was yesterday morning to tell us that she wants Claira home for Mother’s Day. And Claira pitched a meltdown because she wanted to stay at our house, with me and her grandmother.

“But I want to spend Mother’s Day with my stepmom this year.”

That... did not go over well, mind you. Sam blew up my phone and Shannon’s (the grandmother) pushing that she demanded Claira come home. But we’re not in the business of forcing her to go anywhere she doesn’t want to - though she literally never wants to go home. Ever. Which is a whole ‘nother bag of things I worry about. Anyway.

Sam responded by calling, which I initially let slide to voicemail because I was trying to calm Claira down. When she cooled off a little, I asked Claira,

Me: ��Hey, I bet your mom misses you. You’ve been here nearly two weeks since you last went home. Why not go home for a couple days? Your dad and I will be by to get you Monday, like always?” Claira, seeing my phone light up as Sam tries to call again: Don’t answer her. Me: Why not? Claira: Because she’s gonna get upset and I’ll feel bad.

Lemme just tell you how shitty I feel knowing that, unfortunately, I don’t have the power to deny Sam in the long run. But I have this kid looking up at me, knowing - KNOWING - that if she answers her fucking mother’s phone call, she’ll be barraged with emotional manipulation. And lo and behold, when I didn’t pick up, Sam called Grandma and Grandma picked up. So she comes upstairs with the phone and I can hear Sam starting up with her water-works act, on speaker. To make sure Claira hears her sob,

“You hate mommy. You don’t love mommy. Why don’t you wanna spend time with me? Why don’t you love me?”

And I just... I took the phone and sent Claira off with her grandmother for a few minutes. Got kind of firm with Sam and reminded her that she was the adult and emotionally blackmailing her ten year old was no way to get what she wanted. We argued a bit. I reminded her that she was acting like HER OWN mother. That got her to back off. She agreed that she owed Claira an apology for upsetting her for, basically, being a ten year old who wants what she wants. Hung up.

And then I got the WONDERFUL task of going downstairs and telling Claira that, sadly, I couldn’t refuse Sam. Legally, I don’t have that power and neither does Joe, because even though he’s been there the whole 10.9 years that Claira has been alive, he has no legal rights.

And anyway, I doubt anyone is gonna read this. I just needed to vent somewhere. I needed to be frustrated. I needed to say that it really upsets me that so many kids feel like their stepparents didn’t care or don’t care. And I needed to express how much I worry that Claira will grow up feeling like I don’t care because sometimes, no matter how much I don’t want to, I have to sit her down on the couch and calmly, firmly tell her that like it or not, she does have to go home.

I tried to have a conversation with her about it. I tried to explain to her that while her mother’s behavior was out of line, Mommy is just bad at handling her emotions. And honestly, fight me about it if you want - I refuse to lie to her and tell her that “Mommy loves you, don’t be mad at her” or some shit. Nope. I won’t. I never shit talk her mom. I’m really careful to never say rude, unkind, or slanderous things about Claira’s mother in front of her or around her or even when she’s in the house.

But I refuse to lie. I told her straight up, (paraphrased), “Your mom fucked up. How she treated you wasn’t cool, and she and I talked about that. She’s gonna apologize when I drop you off, okay? She’s the adult here and she should act like it. It’s not your job to manage Mom’s feelings, okay? But you do have to go home today. I promise we’ll do stuff for Mother’s day on Monday.”

Gave her a hug, let her cry it out for a bit. Took her home.

And I just... I like to think maybe in ten years, she’ll look back and realize how much I didn’t want to force her to go home today. I wonder if she’ll know that I got back in my car and cried because I KNOW how much it sucks to go home to a parent who makes you fucking miserable. But I’m literally powerless in this. I can’t go rocking the boat too hard because it’ll hurt Joe more than me - blood or not, Claira is his baby girl.

I dunno. This is long and rambling and disjointed. Sorry.

#stepparent #stepmom #parent #parenting #biological parents #found family #blended family #mixed family #rant #ramble #emotional blah #i'm just frustrated

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supercasey · 4 years

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Werewolf Fire, a piece of writing by me

Not quite a poem, but some feelings that have been on my mind for a long time now. I dunno if the quarantine is what brought this out of me, but fuck it, I need to scream and with nowhere to run and hide, I guess I’m being vulnerable on main. Under a readmore because I may be raw, but not THAT raw.

Werewolf Fire by Theodore JJ REDACTED

Love is an oddity to me. It's not that I don't feel love at all- I feel love towards my friends, my family, my pets, my fellow humans- but love in a romantic setting... it just doesn't happen for me, at least, as far as I can tell I doesn't.

I think I've been trying to fall in love for a very long time. There was a boy named Adam in sixth grade, and when my best friend told me she had a crush on him, I told her I also had a crush on him; I was lying. Nonetheless, this was my first attempt, and I really did try to fall in love with him; I took up reading the Percy Jackson series, as it was his favorite, which sparked my love of Greek Mythology and teen coming of age stories involving super powers, but it wasn't love. Besides, he went to another middle school after we graduated sixth grade, so it wasn't like we had a lot of time left together.

I tried again in ninth grade, with my friend Nick. He was funny, polite, and overall one of the kindest people I've ever met, so if I had to fall in love with anyone, it was gonna be him. I knew I liked him, that's for sure, but... well, he started dating our mutual friend Emily, so I gave up. Months later, they broke up because Emily moved away, and my best friend suggested that I ask Nick out. But I didn't, because I thought it would be scummy to date him right after Emily left. Years passed, Sarah told me that Nick liked me back, we danced at prom, and I kissed him on the cheek. Then I graduated, and didn't keep contact, mostly because I'm bad at those sorts of things.

I tried again in eleventh grade, while I was still wondering if Nick was the one. This time it was a girl, Cassidy, and goddamn, was she beautiful. The other kids in class whispered about how she used too much make-up, was faker than nylon, was too popular to be in Theatre class, but I couldn't help but like her. I think, out of all these loves, she was the closest to being real; we were cut from the same cloth, both having hippy mothers that everyone else loved but we resented, and we bonded over it. I used all my birthday money to buy her a protection necklace, as we both believed in ghosts and the like, and she hugged me and said I was her best friend. Then I graduated, and again, I lost contact, but with her it hurt even worse than losing Nick.

I tried so, so hard the fourth time. I tried to love a friend, a girl I won't even name, and although she hurt me and I'm half convinced I was exaggerating the pain she inflicted on me, it was my worst attempt at love yet, and didn't even come close to becoming true.

That was almost two years ago, and I haven't tried again since. Part of me kind of wants to, as I can't help but think highly of love and in it's many forms. I mean, honestly, who wouldn't? The very thought of being in love, of finding the other half- or many halves, in some cases- of your soul, or staying with someone forever and always... it sounds lovely, and I want it so bad, but it feels like a shooting star that's just out of reach, appearing so close yet so far, and even as everyone I know leaps up and catches the stars as they fall, I always manage to miss, much to everyone else's confusion and worry.

I want to fall in love so badly, it makes my bones ache and my eyes wet annoyingly often. It seems so easy, but really, it's so hard. It's hard watching everyone you know fall in love, and yet it just... doesn't happen for me.

Sometimes I think I can't fall in love because of my upbringing- Mom and Dad got divorced when I was ten, and before then I thought that they were the epitome of true love- but this can't be the case. After all, Dane has had a partner for quite awhile now, and I'd honestly be surprised if he doesn't marry them someday. Alyx has dated other boys several times, and he seems content with it. Lisa just fell in love, and her girlfriend makes her so incredibly happy, it's adorable. All my siblings have found love, and yet me, the youngest of the pack, the runt of the litter, can't seem to fall in love.

I've been told I might be aromantic. Hell, even I think I might be aromantic... but I don't want to be. I know that sounds horrible, and probably makes me an arophobe, but I can't help it. I want to fall in love more than anything else, and it feels cruel and terrible to take this human right from my heart, to strip this beautiful, intricate tattoo from my bones. Who decided I should be born this way? Who deemed it humane? Is this nature vs nurture, or something else entirely? What am I, if I cannot fall in love?

I want platonic love to be enough, and sometimes it is. Spending quality time with my Dad, watching TV and building Megablocks with Lisa, hanging out and drawing with Dane, talking about writing with Alyx, those things make me happy, and I love my family members so much. It's not just my family, either! Discussing writing and sharing interesting/funny posts with West, talking on the phone with Jason, watching anime with Sarah, these things make me happy, too.

And yet, I can never remain sated, can never make myself satisfied with this lifestyle. I feel like a werewolf, staying calm and content for a majority of the month, but when the full moon hits- the teasing of love, of something I'll never feel or understand- I scream my throat raw and lose myself to a bloodlust that will never end, will never stop. I am forever wandering, tempered yet so very hungry, begging for an end, an answer, but every antidote that's forced down my throat is temporary at best and poison at worst. I can't even tell if this is normal anymore, it just fucking hurts, like a wound that just won't heal, no matter how well I tend to it.

Something that feels akin to a double-edged sword for me is writing romance. I absolutely love doing it, love giving something to the characters that I will never have, and expressing what I wish I could through them. I've been told I'm good at writing romance- good at the communication, the intricacies, the little moments of contentment they share- and I don't know how to feel about it. Should I be proud? Should I be mad? I don't even know anymore. How can I write something so well, yet not feel it in my soul? I'm highly empathetic, I know this, and yet, this is the one thing I can't absorb, the one feeling I will never truly understand or feel.

I don't much care anymore that I'm asexual... if I ever did, I don't remember it. I'm fine with never having intercourse, and from what I've read, it's not necessary to make a relationship work. And yet... how do relationships work when you can't fall in love, either? Yes, platonic and familial relationships can still exist of course, and as loving and warm as they are, I still end up freezing in the winter. I'm cold, shivering as I await the roaring fire of romance, and yet, no matter how much timber and dry leaves I gather, no matter how many hours I spend with a flint and steel, struggling to light the smallest of embers with my shaking fingers, getting brief glimpses of sparks every so often, the fire won't come to life, and I'm left with only piles and piles of fuzzy, soft blankets... but they're not a fire, and I damn well know it.

This must all seem so strange, so exaggerated, but I'm a writer, and writing my feelings, it's the only way I know how to express this pain, this misery. I wish I could fall in love, but I don't think I can, and that, above all else, is what's killing me.

#poetry #poem #poems #supercasey writes shit #venting

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destiny-smasher · 5 years

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I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot.

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

#Steven Universe The Movie #Spinel #Personal #SU #SU Spinel

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