#And I'm afraid of myself for the pain I've caused to everyone who trusted me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starglowwos · 7 months

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Wait I wanna know which warrior songs you've associated with the life series and why

@in-the-abyss

aaalright so i only know of blixemi ones but here we go :> it's not all of them but it's the ones i have stronger associations for

(quick warning that this post isn't super plain text friendly, i don't have the spoons for it right now, sorry)

shared eyes

this one fits martyn so well i think

here's some specifics - i'll highlight some eyesandearsy things as well :>

i'm not who you think i am, if you think of me at all

i wish your silence came from hate then at least i'd know why i'm to blame but a fool i'd stay to pray within a drought to drown in the rain

it seems to me that i have always been the problem though i'd wish to solve it, foolishly, i've gone and charred each star that's fallen

i'm not who i think i am when you think you've seen it all in this frozen state of apathy i've blossomed with every flaw

what good is it to even try? you'll never hear or see or face all the parts of you you despise come to life, standing right fore your eyes in spite reminding both of us have wished on a starless night

you can try as you might you can lie, fantasize but we both see your eyes your eyes in mine

and these ones fit limited life so well ↓

this feels wrong… it's not playing out right. how am i colder now, upon a bridge i chose to ignite? am i all wrong? it doesn't feel like it should this hollow triumph doesn't fill the pain i thought it would… i've spent so long why do i pity you now? you've yet to change, so in your place, i've learned to torture myself

like. AAA

and he runs

this one kinda fits double life cleo, i think? and martyn by proxy. it's a biiit of a stretch in places though

off you go inside your mind again your legs must shake from the memories you chase round your head i beg you no, but there you go, to find a version of you that's dead

your body's here, but it is clear you're always searching for what you cannot find

gives vibes of martyn missing ren kinda. even though that doesn't exactly involve cleo

i'm not fine

jimmy probably, canary curse?

i'm a wreck, i'm in a downward spin and i don't know what it feels like to win but they tell me, "just gotta put in the work, you'll be fine!" and they tell me, "everyone falls down, time to time"

i'll be the best they've ever seen! you'll fall, you'll trip, you'll make a scene. …it'll take some work to get to where i need to go..! they're better off without you, you know? oh…

and though i try, and though i reach for the sky there's this voice that's getting louder in the back of my mind saying i'm not fine it's screaming at me saying i'm not fine!

and they tell me it's alright everyone takes their own time but my time is moving backwards i don't think i'll get it right cause i'm losing my own battles cannot find the will or might cause the little voice that's s'posed to cheer me on is the one i have to fight!

just one heartbeat

i don't have anything really specific for this one, but it definitely feels watchery

you've been trapped in your mind, your doubts tucked down below but it's okay to be afraid! i'll show you all that i know all i need is a heartbeat—just a breath, and i'm through i can open up your world, i do this all for you

just when i thought i'd won, one stunt left me undone and my fate has plunged and spun into the paws of someone who is eager to believe her destiny's a high achiever so i'll reach her, and i'll teach her, and eventually deceive her but she can see that i lack her beliefs but if she gives me just one heartbeat, their defeat is in reach she is wrapped in her deceit, soon my task will be complete they'll be banished to a blackout; endless shadows i'll release

but i can see they don't trust so easily so let me share a breath of time trapped within my memories there's a group of three who plead—they're so blinded by their greed!— —who will make all of my work compose completely seamlessly!

bold sol's an old soul, i desire full control old sol's bold soul's goal's to envoke revolt your prophecy's my bait, and soon i will dictate all the choices of the voices who're around this lake

you stand faced here before my truth, yet you continue to hide you need me more now than ever! i'm an escape for all your lies! i see darkness in your heartbeat! this clan life you will lose! you have opened up his world, his blood was spilt on you.

one not two

mean gills. scott. mean gills scott and the limited life finale

storm, it was you and i, side by side, since our mother had died back then we had no one else, just ourselves, no one was left in our defense we had each other, there was no better brother you were my best friend until it was my end

we walked through hell together, we weathered every weather the stormy wind carried along my weary withered feathers would i rewind and change my mind, and leave it all behind? not on your life

we came into the world in a whirl split by our blood and our loyalties we walked upon a line, you and i, plagued by floods of brutality

i can feel my heartbeat racing, i don't know if this is my place and yet i feel inside, i must die for you to survive—my brother, i i love you so, more than you know, it's time to go but you won't ever be alone

if i could rewind and change my mind, and do it all again with all the answers ahead of me, and knew how it would all end would i make the same choice? like, before i knew? that our destinies were tied to each other? it was me and you—one not two, one not two

if i could rewind and change my mind, and do it all again with all the answers ahead of me, and knew how it would all end i know i'd make the same choice, and now i know it's true that our destinies were tied, i would die for you

shifting roots

technically not a warrior cats song anymore but its on the list oops

anyway. just, life series in general actually

all that's familiar to you suddenly feels strange the calm and steady now marked with scars you can't explain the friendly faces now have faded into foes it went unnoticed—now it's all you seem to know

one breath, the world's turned backwards two blinks, nothing's the same memories are frayed and fractured can you hold to what remains?

the hunt becomes the hunted haunted days and sleepless eyes what you knew cannot be trusted buried truths uproot tonight

your history cracks and crumbles like stones beneath the sea no time for falls or fumbles, must go and take the leap move quick, don't lose your balance; don't sway or look behind below you creeps greed and malice; you cannot stop your climb

and you'll bend, and you'll break, and you'll burn as the ground claws you down to the dirt

and you'll love, and you'll lose, and you'll learn while your prayers and despairs go unanswered

everybody's got a secret to hide keep it close, keep it locked inside but, though they try, it'll find the light something lurks, something's coming to life

sink away

scott in the limited life finale again

we're barely floating now, we can't keep up this pace something must sink away for you, i'd sink away

we've clawed so desperately for a future out of reach to keep our heads above the truth beneath our feet i know we're only now prolonging what awaits love shapes a heartless fate for you, i'll sink away

in this pain, an island stands with warm and white inviting sands i wish that, somehow, i could reach this place but the more i swim, the more i see i simply just can never be living all the dreams i planned to make still, i'll fall unafraid so you don't sink away

hope lifts my weighted mind, and though my heart will break love's left within my wake that cannot sink away

in this pain, an island rests where all i loved are safely kept somehow, i've found myself here in its place and the more i see, the less i grieve—i fade away so you can be living all the dreams you planned to make and you'll live unafraid i know you'll be okay for you, i'd sink

walk without the stars

last life martyn and the watchers. just. yeah

i'm torn by two sides, stuck with my paws tied do i embrace my pride and ally with the dark side? or do i rewind; turn heel, and decide to do what is right, beside my bloodline? but can i change it, explain it? put on a front and contain it? or is it probable my soul's already tainted? do i belong in the dark? my actions have made me marked to continually march with those who walk without the stars

i was in their plans, that i'll stand strongly up against my clan but something changed, pulled me away, left me dismayed… how could i be so blind and turn my eye to their demise? i closed my heart, clan torn apart, cause i walked without the stars walked without the stars

you and i had plans that we would stand up strongly for our clan but something changed, pushed me away, left me estranged… how could you be so blind and turn your eye to my decline? what once was ours has turned to scars, as i walk without the— i was in their plans, that i'll stand strongly up against my clan but something changed, pulled me away, left me dismayed… how could i be so blind and turn my eye to their demise? i closed my heart, clan torn apart, cause i walked without the stars

way to you

martyn missing ren in limited life especially. maybe also flower husbands after jimmy dies?

i don't know the way to you you can't be gone, i just won't say it's true my world won't change, i won't be broken down for you're not lost, you're just not yet found

the path is broken, and it's incomplete i trip and stumble, i can hardly breathe so many choices, but no clarity so many voices, but no melody

i am broken, and it's hard to breathe without you here, i feel so incomplete there's no more choices and no melodies with you gone, i've lost a piece of me

in the blink of an eye, everything's washed away it takes no more than just a breath for everything to change and nothing's right, and it feels like i've lost the way but i feel changes—something's telling me i'll be okay

#trafficblr #life series spoilers #inthelittlewood #last life martyn #limited life martyn #scott smajor #third life scott #limited life scott #double life cleo #double life martyn #life series jimmy #life series watchers #the watchers #watcher lore #c:/sgos/talking #blixemi #c:/sgos

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contentgreenearth · 1 year

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TRUE TYPES POST #49: ÁNGEL

DISC: I/C profile; result: I/C (-), not on wheel

SOJT type: Fe-n ( short primary/long secondary, D<A auxiliary appears to be the dominant)

MBTI type most resonant: ENFP

What were you like in high school?

I was the weird, artsy kid, who practiced bhuddism and didn't have too many friends outside my circle, because I was "controversial "

What is your greatest fear? What do you do to address it?

I don't really think I'm afraid of that much, but if I did have a fear, I think it would be missing out on life. It's so small, I really don't know. I may have overcome my fears

Was there a time in your life where you felt you hit rock bottom? What was the situation behind it?

No. I'm totally positive, and "see the world through rose tinted glasses", as the phrase says. So even when I feel low, I still see the positive in everything.

Where would you put yourself on the social spectrum, and why?

I'd say slightly more extroverted than an ambivert would be

What are some things that really bother you?

Conformity, monotony and not being able to express myself

What, would you say, are your biggest strengths?

I am someone who loves to get people working together on projects, and totally enjoy working together. I am also good at seeing potential in people that others don't.

What, would you say, are your biggest weaknesses?

My head is in the clouds a lot. Also, I try to avoid doing things that will cause me emotional pain

When you switch your attitude between introverted and extroverted, or vise versa, what are you like?

When I'm more introverted, I don't really talk, and communicate more through action. You might catch me sulking

What was the hardest thing you ever had to do? Why was it so hard?

The hardest thing I ever did was realize that your true friends will stick around, even when everyone else turns their back on you. I'm not going into details

What are you like when you're sad?

When I'm sad, I'm by myself until my emotions are under control. Then I share what's wrong, with a few close friends who I trust

How masculine/feminine do you feel in relation to others of your gender?

I'd say, gender-wise, I really don't identify strongly with a gender. I would say I'm ambiguous in that area

Here's 4 focuses you can have in life: tasks, people, objects and ideas. Which one would be your primary focus and why? Which one would be your secondary focus and why?

I'd say ideas first, because I'm all about intangible things like love, freedom, potential, for example. As far as second, I would say people, because they still play a role in my thoughts and decision making

What do you do to have fun?

I can make fun out of nothing. I'm good at creating fun experiences for myself, and sometimes myself and others

What was the nicest thing you ever did for someone, and why did you do it?

The nicest thing I ever did was stand up for a friend of mine who was bullied. I sent 2 people I know to confront the bully. I did it, because I love my friends and family, and no one can do anything like that to them without facing consequences

Thanks, Ángel, for sharing with us

Additional typologies I've been able to do since:

Big 5: high on O, E, A, N. ; 50/50 on C (SLxAI)

Enneagram: 4w3, so/sp

Additudinal Psyche: EVLF

Greek Temperament Blend: Sanguine/Choleric

Psychosophy: EVLF

#typology #enfp

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leighsartworks216 · 2 years

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So the angst can be put to rest—“Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson for DA, Dark, Celine, and Dark in terms of Actor.

1st verse (DA to Actor. They reflect on the broken individual that they’ve known the Actor to have become. As a result, they promise to never let their anguish while trapped inside of the mirror warp them as badly as the one who started the chaos in the first place. It hits harder if you consider the DA to have been trapped by the Actor for ‘his stories’ during Date and Heist. They’re no longer able to trust nor ever feel completely safe in the Actor’s false realities, especially after Damien (and Celine)’s betrayal. They’ve learned not to trust anyone, but there’s still a part of them that still feels somewhat sympathetic to Actor, despite it all.)

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself 'cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

2nd verse (Dark to Actor. Dark is a walking 3-in-one amalgamation of all anger, grief, sorrow, and darkness brought to the forefront by the Actor’s actions. He must literally fake being a coherent person at every second, every moment—otherwise, his shell will crack and reveal the horrid truth of his being—even on his ‘good days.’ Despite choosing to play the Villain in the Actor’s plays, he still must do his part to the Actor’s liking to a certain degree. Because of Actor, Dark also likely has a hard time trusting anyone. In my mind, I think of Dark referencing the events of “Damien” in how the Actor reeled Damien out of ‘losing his way’ during Celine’s time-loop. (Also, I like to picture for the last lyric of this verse, Dark admitting to his treacherous creation, he was born out of deception. That mirror cracking at the end of WKM.)

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Third verse + climax of song (Celine to Actor. She was the one who witnessed the Manor carve the Actor into something awful. I think a part of the reason why Celine left. She was becoming overwhelmed by the Actor’s increased narcissism and fracturing mental-health. She didn’t quite know what to do but the Manor was definitely a part of the problem. Nevertheless, the Actor didn’t agree, which drove a divide between the two. That was further widened by Actor’s absenteeism from his career. (One may interpret the ‘too young’ lyrics of how Celine still wanted the same youthful joys before married life, but Actor was headed in a more restrictive, misogynistic direction. What would people think? Both their goals, expectations, and personalities were slowly polarizing—Celine still yearning to be carefree and becoming burdened by Actor’s heavy-load.)

I watched you die (I watched you die)

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young (and you're so young)

You should have known better (I was too young for you.)

Than to lean on me

(Damien to Actor. The lyrics are pretty straightforward. The feels hit if you consider that Damien is explaining the utter loneliness, which he’s forced to confront every single day. Just like the Actor, he’s corrupted, jaded, and alone. Not to mention, broken beyond repair. ‘You never saw me’ could be a reference to the Actor not considering Damien’s initial rejection of playing his villain. It also could be even calling back to the Actor being in such a load desolate state prior to WKM and never bothering to go to Damien for any support, which would’ve been unconditionally given.

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain (you never saw me)

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing…

Because of you, I don’t know how to let anyone else in…

Because of you, I’m ashamed of my life

Because it’s empty

Because of you…

I’m afraid.

——

Sorry for the long post, I hope you enjoy!

Holy shit bestie this was a ride. You've had this in your head for a while (/lh /pos)

I haven't heard or thought of this song in probably literal years so now I'm gonna have it stuck in my head all day bc I pretty much knew all the words since I was little lmao

I also love this bc it's like

1. Actor gave them all trust issues and traumatized them beyond repair which, like, relatable but

2. I imagine before this they all really did trust him.

The DA and Damien knew Actor (Damien probably knew Actor better, but it's hard to say), and they were faced with his death at the party. They believed it was someone else who killed him. They couldn't imagine for one moment that it was Actor who had planned an elaborate scheme, an entangled web that they were caught in.

Celine, too, at one point, trusted Actor. She even loved him, considering they were most likely married judging by Wilford's old relationship with her and his disdain toward Actor for "stealing" her from him. But she trusted him and probably even watched as the house corrupted him. After all, she didn't get into the deep occult stuff we see her do until she was with Mark, even telling off Damien for holding her back.

All in all, this just makes the whole situation worse when they find out Actor decided to stab them all in the back and fuck everyone over 🙃

#i don't even know what to tag this as #markiplier #actor mark #mayor damien #celine #wkm mark #wkm damien #wkm celine #wkm district attorney #wkm darkiplier #wkm william #wkm colonel #wkm wilford #angst

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headandheartinhand · 25 days

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i needed a space to talk without caring about a single other person's opinion or judgment over my words. because i'm 28 and still don't feel like i can trust any of my friends. some of them with some things, sure, but i'm very all or nothing. if you can't give me your all, then i want nothing to do with you. and i hold every friend to this standard, which is why i'm deeply detached from my friends. if i can only let you in a little, then why am i letting you in at all? doesn't make any sense to me.

i'm mad at the world. i'm mad at my parents. i'm mad at myself. my life feels incapable of getting better. how do i get a job that can accommodate my needs when i don't have a diagnosis. how can i get a diagnosis without insurance. how can i get insurance without money. how do i get money without a job. do you see the cycle i'm stuck in.

i tried to get on medicaid; i wasn't accepted. they said i didn't make enough money to qualify. i thought the whole point of this shit was to help people who don't make enough money.

today is mother's day. i've been crying a lot, and i haven't even slept yet. being back in my parents house after two years and many states away, it hits me so much harder just how much my parents weren't there for me. just fully 100% emotionally absent from my life. i try not to blame them. i know they've got their own struggles, and i know i've got more emotional intelligence in my pinky than they've got in both of 'em combined. but i can't help feeling bitter, hurt, and abandoned. i can't help feeling like they failed in raising me.

i hate how no one can see this but me. it makes me feel crazy, feeling all the grief and pain they've caused me, knowing nobody can see it. i hate that i got my mom a great gift and am proud of it, that i want her approval yet i don't actually wanna spend any time with her today. i hate being a 28 year old crying out for a mommy i don't have (because i'm sure as hell not crying out for the one i do have).

i think 28 years is a long time to spend alone. i know some people are surrounded by others and still feel alone. i used to be one of those people. yet i can't help but look on with envy when i walk through stores, seeing people smile and laugh with their family, friends, or partner. i want one of those. just one person, from any of those dynamics, that i can bare my soul to. that i don't have to fake happy around. that i can share my broken or burnt out pieces with. i wanna be around someone where i'm not afraid to share the mean thoughts in my head, but i'm also not feeding into their negativity or vice versa. just safely expressing my not so savory thoughts and feelings around someone who gets me.

i've put so much effort into understanding others throughout my life. even now that i don't do it as much, i still feel like i put in more effort for ppl i don't even like than most ppl in my life have done for me. and i don't mean that in the people-pleaser way that i used to; i mean it in a basic-fucking-courtesy type way. you know how they say common sense isn't so common? i feel like that's even more true about common courtesy.

so that's why i walk around a seething ball of spite these days. don't get me wrong, i still smile in everyone's face because one thing i'm never tryna do is take my bad mood out on someone who didn't directly cause it. they may have triggered it, but unless you're in my face purposefully making me feel bad, then i don't need to make you feel bad. but i know walking around holding it all in isn't good either; that's how headboards get broken during alone time lol.

i'm not sure what the solution is. i can't afford therapy. i think this blog is gonna be good for me, tho

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dontyoufinditstrange · 1 month

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Midnights Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

Lavender Haze:

"i'm damned if i do give a damn what people say" "i just need this love spiral" "i find it dizzying"

Maroon:

"the rust that grew between telephones" "the lips i used to call home" "how the hell did we lose sight of us again?" "sobbing with your head in your hands, ain't that the way shit always ends?" "you were standing hollow-eyed in the hallway" "i feel you no matter what" "and i wake with your memory over me" "that's a real fucking legacy to leave"

Anti-Hero:

"when my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people i've ghosted stand there in the room" "one day i'll watch as you're leaving" "i should not be left to my own devices" "i'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror"

Snow On The Beach:

"life is emotionally abusive" "and time can't stop me quite like you did" "i'm unglued, thanks to you" "you wanting me tonight feels impossible" "and its fine to fake it til you make it til you do, til its true" "can this be a real thing, can it?"

You're On Your Own, Kid:

"i search the party of better bodies just to learn that you never cared" "i wait patiently, he's gonna notice me" "i picked the petals he loves me not" "i'll run away" "everything you lose is a step you take" "you've got no reason to be afraid"

Midnight Rain:

"he wanted it comfortable i wanted that pain" "my town was a wasteland" "i broke his heart cause he was nice" "all the love we unraveled, and the life i gave away" "i guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted" "and he never thinks of me" "i guess sometimes we all get some kind of haunted" "and i never think of him, except on midnights like this"

Question...?

"i swear that it was something" "cause i don't remember who i was before you painted all my nights a color i've searched for since" "did you wish you put up more of a fight?" "do you wish that you could still touch her?" "did you realize out of time?" "got swept away in the grey"

Vigilante Shit:

"you did some bad things but i'm the worst of them" "don't get sad, get even" "the lady simply had enough"

Bejeweled:

"didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind" "putting someone first only works when you're in their top five" "i can still make the whole place shimmer" "and i miss you, but i miss sparkling" "don't put me in the basement when i want the penthouse of your heart" "sadness became my own sky"

Labyrinth:

"i'll be getting over you my whole life" "never trust it if it rises fast, it can't last" "oh no, i'm falling in love again" "lost in the labyrinth of my mind" "you know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back, just like that"

Karma:

"addicted to betrayal" "you're terrified to look down" "ask me what i earned from all those tears"

Sweet Nothing:

"everyone's up to something" "i find myself running home to your sweet nothings" "all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing" "i'm just too soft for all of it"

Mastermind:

"what if i told you none of it was accidental?" "cause we were born to be the pawn in every lovers game" "if you fail to plan you plan to fail" "i've been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it seem effortless" "i'm only cryptic and machiavellian cause i care"

#taylor swift #taylor swift lyrics #taylornation #song lyrics #quotes #midnights #lavender haze #maroon #anti-heero #snow on the beach #youre on your own kid #midnight rain #question...?#vigilante shit #bejeweled #labyrinth #karma #sweet nothing #mastermind

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iridescentcicada · 2 months

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I'm Sorry.

Being human isn't always easy. You know this. Sometimes there's just nothing to say, sometimes it just feels like there's a gap in understanding that would render words futile. It's not your fault, it's not my fault. Forget "fault". I'm not asking for pity, but for your sake, please try to understand how defeating and solitude-inducing it is to have a perspective and awareness that varies so much from the vast majority. It might just be impossible for you to know exactly where I'm coming from, but try to infer. I know that you understand to a degree. The audacity to think of myself in this light, right? Delusions of grandeur, a long-untreated desire to be "special" that has chased me into adulthood. No, no. Not merely, anyhow. The ego facilitates expression from the "inner" to the "outer", and can muddy things up if mishandled, but I'm only speaking honestly. It can't be helped that truthful words are often triggering, and I promise that I don't lean on this idea like a crutch. I'm being real, here. I've said I'm harmless, but perhaps it's better put that I never possess ill intent. Empathy is in our nature, and despite the layers of conditioning that we all receive in varying ways, I've never been the type to stray too far from this. I've always loved you, looked up to you, was inspired by you, and many times in the past, jealous of you. I never let my jealousy cause me to mistreat you, though. Eventually, as I became more of an adult and more of my own person, I grew to see you on equal footing. I'm still coming to grips with the possibility that my ideas of what qualifies as a "friend" at this point are unrealistic, and there's just always going to be that gap. Differences are meant to be celebrated, after all. For seven years now more than ever, I've had the ever-increasing experience of struggling to relate to other people. I regularly make a conscious effort to bridge the gap in the connections I make, however brief, but it all ends up feeling like an act at the end of the day. Like I have to pretend for other people's sake when they won't or can't yet make the same efforts for me. People pleasing. Another ego trap. I'm tired of wearing masks, and as they continue to wear thin and fall off, I make adjustments in my life to better represent the truth of who I am--just as anyone should. I am sorry that your presence in my life was one of many adjustments that I had to make. I wish we could be friends. On paper, you seem like the best I could hope for. Letting go of you was difficult and painful, so it's only natural that severing that would hurt you, too. Just know that I mean well, I hope you're doing well, and if not, I trust that you're on your way to a happier, freer, more authentic life. It's happening to everyone; a sign of the times. Your voice, your art, deserves to be witnessed. You deserve love, friends and romance. All the good stuff. Just remember that it starts with giving it to yourself. I wasn't sure how to vocalize my headspace when we interacted last, and it led to me ghosting you. I was confused and afraid. Maybe I'm still afraid, since I'm typing and posting this here instead of messaging it to you. I am sorry.

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reylocrazyfangirl · 6 months

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Protector

In the first world, he was her protector. In the world of magic, he became her teacher. Emma (16) feels she doesn't belong in a school for fairies. No one understands her, everyone thinks she is a monster. They believe she sacrificed her parents' lives to save hers. Except the man who saved her life. He's the only one she trusts. She knows that what she feels for him will never be reciprocated, but she can't suppress her feelings. New challenges enter her life. She can control her abilities, but will her abilities control her? Are they right in thinking that sooner or later she will serve the darkness? What will happen when she is put to her toughest test? Will she make it through her first year at the school for fairies? Will she manage to survive the toughest battle yet to come. Deep in the darkness, far from the light that is him to her. Her beloved protector.

Emma

I don’t want to stay here. I don’t belong here. My place is in the first world. I’m trapped here in the worst of fantasies.

They don’t understand me. No one understands how I feel. Except him.

„Hello, Emma.“

When he sat down on the bench next to me. I felt like I am safe. Just like when he protected me in the first world. He saved my life. I will never forget.

I looked up to him. Slowly.

„How are you, Mr. Silva?“

„I’m worried about you, Emma.“

„I’m fine.“ I said quietly.

Another lie. Spoken so lightly it surprised me.

„You’re isolating yourself, skipping meals. It won’t go on like this.“

"Excuse me, Mr. Silva, but I don't want to talk about it."

I crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel his gaze on me. Those blue eyes of his wouldn't leave my mind.

No matter how hard I tried. The moment he'd gotten me out of the Burned's hands I'd faced a new trap. Far worse than the terrifying grip I'd faced before. Here in Alfey, he is no longer my protector. He's a teacher, and I'm a student. Nothing in between exists.

"Try to do it, if only for my sake."

"It's pointless. No one's going to do anything about it. Not even you."

"I disagree. And you know very well that I'm not going to give up easily, Emma."

"I wish you the best of luck. You won't have it as easy with me as you might think right now."

His hand moved closer to mine. In one agonizing moment with me, I thought he was going to touch me. Inside, I shivered with anticipation. And a new pain. I felt a thirst that would never be filled.

"It doesn't matter. I told you before, I'm here if you need anything. Nothing has changed that."

"Only you think that."

Everything changed when I found out what his position at the school was and what mine would be.

"I'm going to show you a different side of Alfea this weekend."

"What do you mean?"

What he said caught my attention against my will. I looked into his eyes again, losing myself in them again.

"I've asked Farah to release you from school for this weekend. I'd like you to spend this weekend with us."

"Sky's okay with that?"

I doubted it a little. He wasn't that distant with me but I didn't know what he really thought of me.

I was afraid he shared what I was hearing from all sides.

"Why should it?"

"I don't know, I just..."

"Emma, tell me what's wrong, please."

"The fairies think I'm a monster. I don't know what the Specialists think, but they're avoiding me as much as they are. After I summoned the magic in the circle, they think bad things about me."

I put up a defensive wall around myself so I wouldn't be seen or heard, I didn't want to cause trouble for anyone, much less the one person who accepted me for who I was.

"When they get to know you better, they'll understand that things aren't as they might first appear. All I care about is whether you agree with my proposal?"

I wanted to believe that, but I was afraid it wouldn't be enough. Not this time. I was tired, more tired than ever, and I couldn't forget.

No one is like me. I'm torn between light and darkness. I am a fairy of light, but in my light there is also darkness. It's as if they're joined together as one. The burned ones wanted to absorb that power into themselves. It drew them all the way to the First World. It was only my fault, I was the beacon that brought them to the portal.

My parents died because of me. They were murdered. And I couldn't do anything about it. It all happened because of the magic I carry inside me. A magic that's more of a burden than a true gift. It's a burden that hasn't allowed me to breathe freely.

"I accept your invitation, Mr. Silva."

I couldn't refuse him. Maybe he was right, maybe it would help me to get out of here and into a different environment, if only for a little while.

#fan-fikcia #wattpad #anger #saulsilva #romance

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lookismybrain-vomit · 11 months

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I've known that I'm a sex addict, and today I've discovered that I have a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style, and it explained a lot to me. I always knew that I'd never given myself the proper time to grieve and move on from my past relationships; always avoiding the thought and idea of them instead of dealing with my feelings. And there have been multiple times in the past where I ran back to what caused me pain and even destroyed the relationships around me in doing so, and I never truly understood why I did it. And I also understood that I had a problem when it came to porn, but I always justified it to myself, and I soon discovered it was a good way to help cope with the pain I felt after my fearful justification for ruining an intimate relationship faded and I began to feel the pain from what I'd done. And it even became the justification for ending a relationship at one point...and I never truly understood why I always find myself almost going out of my way to do things I know would destroy the relationship just as a comfort, even when the relationship I was in had given me no inkling that it was insecure. The entire time it was just me who was insecure and wanting to be comforted but unable to trust anyone, even myself, with the task of giving myself that comfort that this lonely child in me needs so badly. I didn't trust myself to be honest with myself after seeing how I'd give into my addiction even after I'd learned what it was, just because it brought me a form of temporary comfort that I wasn't feeling and never knew that I'd have to learn to develop myself. And thus I expected myself to lie to everyone because I felt I was so good at lying to myself, and became a liar on top of a cheater and made the entire overlapping problem multiply underneath itself. And as I became more convinced of my own lack of worth and sunk deeper into my addiction it became easier and easier to push people away while I searched for that "true connection" that I refused to let myself have. But after acknowledging what I was I tried to resist the addiction, but once I tried to peel that back it only revealed the rest of the fearful-avoidant stlye and I found myself hung up and aching for past relationships again even after knowing and reminding myself that they weren't for me and would only destroy me further, but still I yearned for them; all because I was still too afraid to let the woman I loved, who was already closest to me, further into my heart where I know she'd discover my hurt...and then all it took was me seeing, catching a glimpse, of my ex and I fell back down into my spiral of *both* my addiction and my fearful avoidance style and hurt her so badly, I pushed her away as I stabbed her in the back . This woman, who was able to understand me at a level I never expected anyone else to, who I know I'd never be able to find even a chance meeting another like her, this beauty who's only desire was for me to open and completely reveal my soul to, and was only waiting for me to realize it, was torn apart by me and my fear of doing just that. And then I held her here and trapped her in my own avoidant style, only multiplying her newfound pain while I reeled from myself and my actions...I knew what I'd done but until now I'd never understood why I did it..and now all I want to do is find a way to open and heal this hurt in me that's caused so much pain to anyone I try to care about. This girl was the one girl I never believed I'd hurt, I had always hoped she'd never get to see me for the monster I had become. And it was foolish of me to believe that monster side of me would spare her. Now...I know it will take many year and a mountain of effort to regain her trust and rebuild things between us...but I know she's worth it. I know I'll never find another like her, and my only hope now is that she'll stay around or even come back to me once I find a way through this hurt and confusion within the darkness of my soul..

I'm so sorry Koneko chan...all I want to do is make it all up to you. And I promise I will, one bit at a time..

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my-chaos-radio · 11 months

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youtube

Release: August 16, 2005

Lyrics:

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself 'cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die (I watched you die)

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young (and you're so young)

You should have known better (I was too young for you)

Than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain (you never saw me)

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

Songwriter:

Because of you

Kelly Clarkson / David Hodges / Ben Moody

SongFacts:

'Because of You' is a ballad by Kelly Clarkson from the album 'Breakaway'. The album didn't have the hoped-for success at first and almost fell into oblivion again. It only climbed the charts with the third song release of 'Because of you'.

Kelly Clarkson wrote the song when she was 16 and wanted to include it on her first album, 'Thankful'. But she received harsh criticism for the song and was told she had no talent for writing. So Clarkson reworked the song with the producers of her second album. The song became a hit around the world.

The song is about the divorce of her parents that Kelly Clarkson witnessed when she was six years old. Some think it might be addressed to her mother, who has been very busy since Kelly Clarkson's father divorced and didn't have time to spend with her daughter.

The song's lyrics suggest that Clarkson has lost her faith in love. Despite all this, she married and has two children.

The accompanying music video was directed by Vadim Perelman and produced by Rhonda Vernet. Clarkson wrote the video's plot herself to reflect the pain she felt over her parents' divorce. Nonetheless, Clarkson allowed Perelman to take control of the production of the video as well. According to Perelman, he wanted to create a breakup to show "that this kind of dysfunctional family can exist anywhere." In an interview with MTV News, Clarkson admitted that the video was sad and rationalizing: "It's a sad song, so obviously the video has to follow that. But it ends really happily and the family, my family, ends up breaking the cycle of my parents.

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diary-of-a-sad-panda · 1 year

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July 29th, 2013 1:44 AM

It's a terrible thing to cry alone. But I really shouldn't complain, other people have it worse than me. I don't know, I wish I could die right now, but I'm scared of what happens after. Where do we go. Idk I feel so sad and lonely. Cause really people don't understand how I feel, why couldn't I have been a more open person. This life feels more and more like a burden than a gift. How lonely. I hope no one ever feels the way I do. I want to cry to someone. I want to scream soo loud, but I can't. A little person too afraid. No one should ever feel bad for me.

My lonely little set up. It hurts. More than anything. Being shot at would be less painful than this. That's why I'll never let anyone see me in this pitiful little state. I guess this is to be expected. Trusting someone too easily only leads to disappointment.

Just so I can get over this. Someone I can sob my eyes out to in their arms. I can't. People wonder why trust is a privilege, it's because sometimes they can't handle it and run away. They pretend to go on with life as if nothing happened. While the other is left with their own problem to clean up all by themselves. "Selene" "Brad" "Selene" A shattered heart physically hurts. If King, Effie, Hilly, Fey, or Francy had their hearts broken like this I would personally murder them. Not in a tough way but I would beat them up [the person who hurt them]. Because in my eyes they're too kind and weak to be able to ha[ndle] this pain. It's terrible. It's ok, I'll bear with this. Because I've gained one chocha [?] you can only rely on yourself, don't trust anybody, don't let anyone in. Keep to yourself. You can be happy on the outside and sad on the inside, it's all about facades. Be nice to others because everyone has their own sadness. Don't make decisions when you're depressed. Sigh. I'm all alone with Bob, like old times, except now I'm more depressed. Someone please save me from myself.

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

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Hello Dani.

I wish I were here with some cute Malec fan arts to show you instead of what I'm about to say. But I'm not. I guess I just need to talk to someone. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. You don't have to answer me. I guess the fact that I was comfortable enough to tell you these helps me enough. To at least know that I'm no longer the only person who knows these anymore. To know that it isn't a secret I have to bare alone. Cause I'm fucking tired of it.

Ok, here's the thing. Here, in my country, students attend a national exam at the end of elementary school. Just before entering middle school, at 11. The results of this test show whether you can enter some special schools that are built to guide and educate the students who got accepted. The students society thinks are smarter than the others. As far as I can remember, I knew I should take that test and get accepted. When I was a child my mother told me about a long time ago, when she and my father were at high school. My father had wanted to become a doctor at the time. He'd tried and studied hard and eventually gotten accepted at the medicine school. But back then, it had been very important for the students studying important majors at university- like medicine- to have a good social image and other people's opinion about them mattered a lot. And at that time, my father's family had had some kind of quarrels and fights going on with some neighbor families, and thus when those people were asked about my father personality, they've talked shit about him and he got rejected. He had to become a teacher instead. I was just a child back then, but even as a child, I could see how my father always yearned for what he'd lost. The way he talked about how good of a job it is, how doctors can help people a lot, and how if I'm smart and hardworking enough, I can become a doctor one day. Long story short, from a very young age, every one told me that I was intelligent and should become a doctor. It would make my family and my family name proud and I knew it. So I tried, I studied and I got accepted at that special schools at 11( cause it has always been part of the path I was shown ). I not only got accepted, but also got the best marks at the test in the town. That day was the only day I remember my father looked very proud of me. I always did good at the exams, but there was always something lacking for them, like, although I become a top student, I didn't become the best, or although I became the best, some of my marks still could be better. So there was always some criticism waiting for me, no matter what result I gained. The only time that there wasn't any, was that one time that I got accepted in those special schools at 11. That day I only saw appreciation. After that, I always kept trying but I guess I was never hardworking enough. My parents used to say it was because I couldn't put my complete focus on studying. Because I used to draw, and play soccer, and also attend English classes. I loved all of those activities, but I dropped all of them when I entered highschool. Because everyone said they were distracting me from my purpose that was becoming a doctor. That I needed to study biology and math and not waste my time with arts and sports. So I did it. And I was ok with it, or at least I thought I was. Untill I wasn't anymore. Until suddenly this pandemic started one year and a half ago, and I no longer could go to school. And I started struggling to keep up with my lessons and studying. I understood that I didn't enjoy it, it had become like a chore. I didn't understand how much my friends, my teachers and my school meant to me and how much it affected my willingness to studying till I lost it. And it took me even longer to find out the reason I needed them so much. And I hate that reason. I totally hate it. But it was true. I needed school because they gave me the appreciation and approval I always yearned for. I found out that one of the reasons I studied well was that I liked everyone appreciating me. I like the looked of awe in their eyes when I solved math problems or when I answered a biology question no one knew of. And I no longer had those. I was all alone with my family, since school were closed. And I knew- I know- my family loves me, but their tactics for helping someone or something get better has always been criticizing the wrong things, instead of praising the good parts. And it helped, or it used to do, at least. But just as long as I got the praise and approval I needed from the others. But I didn't

get them anymore cause I was all alone with my family now. I just had them. And the criticism become harder and unbearable. Studying was like a burden, a chore. And it didn't help that with the whole staying home situation, I had more time to think and I realized how long it had been since last time I drew anything. Or played soccer. Or read my favorite novels. I realized I never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do. My life path had always been described for me. I'd always known what I was supposed to do, or what I was supposed to be. But I was no longer sure if it was what I wanted. And I was confused and lost and absolutely terrified. I didn't know what to do. Whether to continue my path, or change it. I tried to speak to my parents. But they didn't get it. They didn't get why I was suddenly hesitating and told me I was just ruining all those years of trying, for nothing. So I stopped talking about it. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't help feeling like I've always lived for others. Like, why the hell should I need my teachers and classmates appreciating and praising me? Why should not having that anymore make studying boring for me?? Why did I never thought about my future as a choice, not something that was always set to happen?! I was angry at myself but most of all, I was lost, I didn't know what the hell to do. And no one could understand me, so when my parents asked me how I was preparing myself for the national exam of universities acceptance, I lied. I lied and told them I was doing ok, while I totally wasn't. I couldn't tell them, I didn't want them to blame me, cause I blamed myself enough. I hoped it will get better by the time. But it didn't. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking Christopher Lightwood, while honestly, I'm more a Alastair Carstairs.

And now, here am I, not knowing what the hell to do. The exam for universities acceptance is in less than a month and a half. I know I still have time, but I no longer know what I want to do. And I no longer believe in my abilities. I think my parents were right, I think I just wasted my time hesitating and questioning myself. Maybe becoming a doctor doesn't make me happy, but isn't it worth it?? That at least it is what my father wanted for me all along? That I can at least make my family happy and proud?? Cause I don't know what makes me happy. And now, it's too late to think about it and find out. Cause I'm scared to find out. I'm scared that I make my family disappointed, like I made myself disappointed. I'm afraid it's too late and no matter what I do, I'm gonna make them disappointed. That while everyone thinks I'm gonna get accepted at the best medicine school, I won't get accepted at all. I wasted so much time questioning everything. If only I continued my path, at least my family would be happy. But now, I'm terrified that I make them disappointed and remain unhappy myself. Cause even if I was living a lie, even if I one day got up and see I didn't like my life, at least I still had a life. A life in which nobody had expectations from me any longer. And even if I didn't like my life, I was at least alone to do whatever I want with it. But at the moment, I just want to become a doctor, and pay off what I've always felt I owe my family. My father. That was the only thing he ever wanted from me. ( And it pays handsomely, sure. It's just, I was never sure if I enjoy doing it, not just its payment.)

But I'm now terrified that I've ruined my chance for even having this. I think I should've never questioned my life. It didn't help that I found out I wasn't happy. I can't help but think I fucked everything up. I always tried to be open to changes. To be brave, just like Alec was. But how can I do that when I don't know what I want? How can I even choose another job when I was practically raised to become a doctor since forever? How can I change my path when I sacrificed lots of things that I loved for it?? All those soccer games I didn't attend, all those drawings I didn't draw, just to have time to study! How can I do it?? And what if my family was always right, that becoming a doctor is best for me? What if I've had fucked up my chance of becoming a doctor even??

And more than anything, I'm tired of keeping all that a secret. I feel guilty as hell whenever I see my parents cause I lied to them, and it's making it all hard to breathe. I'm really really tired. I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? What should I do???

Hello, darling.

Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm glad you wanted to talk to someone. Whatever you feel, it's out now. You no longer have to worry this is a secret. I hope that helps you a little. I hope it lightens the burden you carry on your shoulder.

As always, I cannot tell you what to do. It's your life - something I do remind yourself more often. It helps. I promise.

But I can tell you what I think.

1. I think you are very smart. Like VERY smart. So, if you are worried about changing your academic course or career path, I would say you have nothing to worry about. If you can study biology, trust me, you can find your way through any other subject. It's nothing to be afraid of. Every subject is hard. But you seem like a relentless little fighter to me. So, you will figure it out.

2. I think the reason your father wants you to be a doctor is because he still feels the pain of not achieving his dream. If he doesn't enjoy teaching, then he knows what it's like to live a life of regret. Your father wants to spare you from that. But irony is cruel. Because that very effort has pushed you into the same path. I think someone *cough* you *cough* needs to remind your father that even if you become a doctor, you will not be happy. And while your parents might not be able to see it clearly as you do, it's what they want too. Success doesn't necessarily mean happiness. So, maybe you should tell your father that. Tell him that even if you become a doctor, it wouldn't make you happy. So, despite all their prayers and efforts, your parents would still fail. Because you would be living a similar life as your father had to.

3. One and a half month sounds like a very short time. But here is the thing. I feel like if you put your mind to it, you can get through this exam. But what about your heart? Where does it want to be? What does it want to do? For me, it doesn't sound like a problem of "can I do this?". Yes, you can. It's more a question of, "do I want to do this?". I don't know the answer to that. You are smart. Figure it out.

4. The best advice I've gotten in life is this "do what makes you happy." I know that many don't have the luxury of following that advice in every possible way. But you have the chance. do it. If something or someone is bringing you unhappiness, you should have the liberty to say "no fuck off." It takes a lot of courage to look at something and say 'no'. We haven't been taught to say that enough. Learn to say 'no'. If you take away anything from this response, it should be that.

5. You don't owe anyone anything. Just so you know. Not your family. Your parents. Not your school. No one. Nothing. But you owe it to yourself to be happy.

6. I have met many people like your father - and perhaps yourself - who have told me that "I couldn't follow my dreams. But when I have a child one day, I will do everything in my power to make sure they get to achieve their dream". It's truly a beautiful sentiment. But all I can think is...If it's possible for us to fight for an unborn child of ours, then why can't be fight for ourselves. If we are willing to fight in the future, then why not now?

I know you want your parents to be happy. I know you don't want to let them down. I know a lot of us think that way. So I ask - Why can't we show the kindness we are willing to show the ones we love to ourselves?

7. I don't know what you are going to do either, my love. But I know you will survive. So, even if these words get washed away and even if the confidence you feel is momentary and even if you end up taking the exam and do biology, I hope you remember that it is never, ever, ever too late to choose yourself. To follow your dreams. To stand up and say no.

8. You told me you are more like Alastair. So, I'll leave you with this.

"If you choose that for yourself, it is your choice, but you cannot choose for me”

All my love,

Dani x.

#choose for yourself #prioritise yourself #it doesn't make you selfish #I promise #ps - you are always welcome to come talk to me or tell me your secrets #even if you don't have any cute malec fan arts for me #I will still love you the same #<3 #love

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babygirlkiki1016 · 3 years

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Masterlist

Chapter 3: Trolls

Chapter 4: Between two races.

After the nasty business with the Trolls, Thorin believed there to be a cave nearby. We gathered our things and placed them back up onto the ponies. While our steeds waited for our return, we headed to the Troll Hoard. It was filled with riches and gold, something that the dwarves would love.

"Oh, what’s that stench?!" Bofur placed a hand over his nose so he wouldn't have to smell the odor.

"It’s a troll hoard, be careful what you touch," Gandalf warned, the dwarves cough from the foul smell, then as they go deeper inside the cave they come upon the trolls’ treasure. While the dwarves searched the weapons laying around, something caught my eye. It wasn't a blade or dagger, it was a stone, a light blue jewel with the same symbol on my back. Each digonisk family member, when they wished to join the armies a mark would be imprinted in their skin to show their family's crest. Mine was a black dragon with red eyes, it traveled from my waist up to my back to my chest. The stone had the same symbol upon it, up until the last detail. And on the other side, it had letters from my language. If you were reading it in English, it would have said home, but to me, I read it as 'Pilias'. Home, did it mean the old kingdom of Larthas? The stone looked so familiar but I just couldn't place it, where did it come from? Where did the trolls find this?

"Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori. Y/n." Thorin called catching my attention, but his eyes were upon the stone in my hand. "What is that?" It was too late to hide it now, but perhaps he hadn't seen the runes upon it.

"Just a stone, nothing special but I have a knack for these things." I gave him a fake smile, but he rushed over and held out his hand. He knew I was hiding something, if I were to refuse to give it to him he would become more suspicious about my intentions.

"Hand it over." He demanded, his eyes piercing into mine. All eyes were on us, my hand shakily placed it in his. Once his eyes landed on it, he seemed confused but handed it back to me. "I should've known you would carry something that has the language of your kin." He growled leaving the cave, I let out a breath in relief. I'm glad he could care less about the stone, as we exit the cave the two brothers come up to me.

"Are you alright Y/n?" Kill asked, checking me for any wounds, giving him a small smile I nod.

"Don't worry, I'm alright." My gaze goes down to the object in my hand, and they follow it.

"What is that? What does it say?" Fili asked, hesitantly taking it from me to get a better look.

"In my language, it says Pilias, which means home," I explained as he ran his finger over the carvings, examining it with great caution. The both of them grinned at the design, but it soon faltered as Thorin yelled a warning. Something was coming our way, It sounded like thumping, not hooves or paws of a wolf, but rabbits.

"Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!" Gandalf shouted, Kili and Fili stood in front of me protectively. Summoning a bow for myself, Thorin watched in curiosity at the magic I had used. Suddenly Radagast bursts through the bushes on his sled.

"I knew I heard rabbits." I grinned and stepped forward to greet my old friend.

"Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!" Gandalf announces as puts his sword away and approaches the brown wizard. Radagast smiled at him for a second but when he saw me he gasped. Before he could ask why I was with dwarves, Gandalf continued. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong." He was right, the more we traveled across the land the more I felt a darkness come upon us.

"Yes?" Radagast goes to speak but stops, almost as if he lost his train of thought.

"Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old…stick insect." He sticks his tongue out as Gandalf removes the insect and gives it back to him. The two eventually went off to speak about something, leaving the rest of us to ourselves. Balin gave me and the two brothers a look, Fili and Kili understood but I did not know what was going on.

"Perhaps one of us should stay here," Kili suggested to his brother. "Just in case the others go off the rails."

"Right, I'll speak to uncle. You have 10 minutes, just be careful Y/n, and if anything happens scream as loud as you can." My heart was pounding as Fili went off to distract Thorin, Kili sensed my distress.

"What is going on?" Kili placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, showing that I had nothing to worry about.

"Me, Balin, and Fili have decided to try and convince the rest of the dwarves that your not a threat. As each day passes Thorin becomes angrier with you, and one day we might not be able to protect you. Though if we convince the rest that your no threat then they'll be willing to protect you against my uncle."

"I can handle myself against a few dwarves Kili."

"I know, but Balin said it's better to have allies than none. Don't worry, I'll be here to protect you." He whispers and led me towards the others, I still didn't trust this idea. Why are they so determined on helping me?

"Lads while we have a moment," Balin spoke, looking back towards me for a second. "I beg that you be open-minded, and none of you speak of this to Thorin."

"What is it, brother?" Dwalin spoke stepping closer, he glanced over at us. "Is Kili trying to court Y/n?" My cheeks went red at that, Kili only looked at me and smirked. Wait, courting, Kili winked at me last night when he handed my bowl. One of the courting parts was for the interested person, to give their 'one' more food than the rest. It was a way of showing that they could provide for them. Was Kili trying to court me?

"No, we only have a short time so I'll say this quick. How many of you, know the truth about Digonisks? How many of you believe that they had nothing to do with raiding villages?" No one raised their hands, they all just looked at each other in confusion. "That is what I thought, each of you has been misled. Digonisks are not the enemy, they're the peacekeepers of middle earth."

"They slaughtered out people! Listen to yourself, Balin! She has you under her spell! Under a curse!" Before anyone could react Dwalin rushed over to me, and grabbed me by the shoulders with his weapon pointed at my neck. "You let go of my brother you witch!" His hand came in contact with my cheek, I waited for him to hit me again but I did not feel the impact. Balin and Kili stood in front of me, and both of them were furious.

"She does not have me under a spell! I know that her kind is innocent for a fact! For I am the one, who wrote the reports." Everyone's eyes widened in shock at his words, that can't be Thror was the one who wrote them. "Thror found out that I had written the truth, but while he was under the dragon sickness he ordered for me to show no one. He took it from me and threatened that if I were to show anyone I would be framed for murder. I and Thrain were the only people who knew about it, and we kept it a secret for we had no idea there was any digonisk left alive. I wanted to tell everyone, but after the cold blast, I realized if the truth were to come out people would despise us as they despise her kin. And I couldn't do that to my family, I didn't want my family to be treated as such."

"So you kept it a secret cause you were afraid of being treated like we had been for almost a hundred years?! Do you have any idea how much pain and suffering my people have been through?!" Each dwarf looked down in shame, they couldn't believe what they had heard. For all this time Balin knew the truth and he kept it to himself, cause he didn't want for his kin to be driven to hide in the shadows. "I can't believe this, why didn't you say anything at the beginning of this journey? Why didn't you say anything to Thorin?"

"He would not believe me! He may be reasonable but without hard evidence, he wouldn't believe the words that slipped from my mouth. Like Dwalin he would've hurt you, or worse, left you for dead."

"Then why tell them?"

"Thorin is becoming sick, every day we get closer to the mountain the more his need for gold grows. I've seen it, the dragon sickness is already taking effect. Them, they would believe me, for I do not lie." I wanted to blame him, but he was right. I would've probably made the same call as well, if my kin made a huge mistake and I knew the truth I probably wouldn't have told anyone. And with Thorin, that darkness that is following us, what if it's him? The dragon sickness, what if that is what I keep sensing? If he truly has it then he would not believe Balin, for he would most likely blame me. "Brother, the rest of you. I beg that you protect her against him, for he is not himself. And each day as that illness grows so does the hatred for digonisks."

"That day, of the cold blast...you were innocent weren't you?" Dwalin asked softly, he didn't seem angry anymore. He seemed on his guard but not angry as someone had betrayed him.

"We were, we had done nothing wrong but your kind had to take my kins freedom over some rumor. You know for years I wanted revenge for what the humans and dwarves had done to my kind. I wanted to end every life for the death of my family, but even in their darkest hour my mother and father still offered a truce. Even though you all slaughtered my kin like cattle, but I promised my mother something before she died." Tears ran down my cheeks as I thought her last words. I looked down, not being able to look them in the eyes. I almost couldn't finish my speech, just thinking about how much we suffered made me want to lunge at them. Made me want to hurt them but it wasn't them who did this, it was their ancestors. "No matter how much it hurts to be around you, I still kept my promise...Do you want to know what her last words were?" My gaze met his once more and he seemed more startled, his eyes widened with horror and remorse. I could feel that he was starting to understand my words and my past. "Her last words were, 'don't take revenge.' Even after everything you had done to us, after every death you had caused, she still begged for peace..." Dwalin's form made his way over to me, Kili gripped the handle of his sword as a warning but he didn't care. Instead, Dwalin slightly pushed him to the side, and then embraced me in his arms. Was he hugging me?

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, all of it. I wish we hadn't caused you such discomfort." He pulled back, his hands resting on my shoulders. "I recognized the pain in your eyes, it's the same suffering my brother had when we finished the war against our enemies in Moria. Only a person who experienced something like that is the only one I can believe." He placed himself next to me, I felt more confident now that we had him for we had a better chance at convincing the others. "Who else will join me? Who else will stand against Thorin's wrath if it comes to it?" The rest stood there, some with tears and others with a look of guilt. Bilbo, came to my side, he didn't know much about our past but I'm glad he was on my team. Kili grabbed my hand, squeezing it, telling me it was ok. Each dwarf, one by one came closer to me bowing their heads in respect.

"Don't worry Y/n, we will all defend you from Thorin. Each of us will make sure he never finds out about this, and if he does we'll protect you." Bofur who was the last dwarf to walk over bowed. Which was a good thing, because now I had all dwarves as allies. And just in time to, because Thorin came back with his nephew flustered. Fili seemed angrier than ever, was talking to his uncle that bad? Interrupting my thoughts, we heard a howling noise, making Bilbo worry.

"Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?" He asked curiously, that was not a wolf, and I knew exactly what that was.

"Warg scouts are nearby." I pulled my weapon out once more just as something growls from behind us, we all turn to see a warg. It pounces going for Bofur but I shot it with an arrow killing it instantly. Another appeared from behind, which was killed by Thorin and Kili.

"Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?" Gandalf charged over to Thorin with rage in his eyes.

"No one."

"Who did you tell?!" He asked again but he replied with the same answer.

"No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?"

"You are being hunted." Hunted? Why would the dwarves be hunted? No one else knew about our quest, perhaps they were coming for me?

"We have to get out of here." Dwalin exclaimed but Ori came running from the side.

"We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted." He panted heavily, crap, no ponies no way out. We could fight them, but what good would that do us?

"I’ll draw them off." Radagast says getting back onto his sled.

"These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!" Gandalf states but he raised his hand in a fist determined.

"These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try." Gandalf turns to me and gestures towards him.

"Go, don't worry you will see us again. I believe you know where we are headed." Rivendell, that's where he was leading the dwarves. Quickly I got on the back on Radagasts sled and readied my bow.

"Absolutely not!" Thorin growled as he grabbed my arm, but Fili pushed him away.

"Don't you lay a hand on her!" He yelled, I could hear him arguing with his uncle as we race off towards an unknown location. As we were being pursued by Orcs and wargs, I shot them one by one with my ethereal arrows. I had one hand on the sled to keep me on while the other would shoot arrows from my crossbow, I smiled as I took one down.

"So are you going to tell me what you're doing with a bunch of dwarves?" Radagast yelled trying to hold on the best he could.

"Gandalf wants me to kill Smaug! Don't worry all of them know who I am, and they're fine with it!" I explained, that seemed to be a good enough reason for him. I shot a few more down, but the more we were chased, the riskier it got for the company. I would see them every so often, and soon they were found. All of the orcs stopped following us, and followed them instead. The moment we stopped at the edge of the forest I went to go save my friends until I spotted elves charging towards the orc pack. That's good, I thought sighing in relief.

"Don't worry, your friends are on their way to Rivendell. Which you should be there before them, they will want to make sure you're ok. Be careful, not many people will be open to the idea of having your kind around." That was the last thing he said before going off on his own again. He was right, I should probably get going. Spreading my wings, I fluttered them creating a big gust of wind as I made my way to Rivendell. I flew over the mountain with the hidden valley coming into view and spotted the dwarves below on a rock staring down at the city before them. Yet as they felt the winds of a hurricane they all looked up towards me, some cheered knowing I was ok and quickly made their way down the mountain to meet me at the entrance. I began to descend, my feet contacted with the concrete stone on the passageway.

"Wocel. (Wecome)" Lindir greeted in Digon as he came down the steps, his long hair flowing down his back.

"I see your Digon has gotten better, have you been studying for me?" I joked, giving him a small smile, it has been a while since I've stopped in Rivendell. This is where most of our wheat and water sources come from, for we live in the sky and have no access to the ground. "Wiher isi Kigna Elrond? (Where is King Elrond?)"

"It may have gotten better, but I still don't understand some words in your language. So English please milady." His gaze turns to someone behind me, to greet the old grey wizard who was at fault for bringing me on this journey. "Mithrandir."

"Ah, Lindir." Gandalf greeted, but that's not the type of greeting I got. Thorin's eyes roamed over my body, and he gasped as he saw the bruise forming on my face.

"What did I tell you? You can't handle yourself!" He yelled, pointing to the purple markings on my cheek. "Like I said, your nothing but a burden to this company. Perhaps you should leave the work to the real warriors."

"Enough Thorin! That is from no orc, it is from me." Dwalin turned to face him with a furious look, though he glanced at his hand in disappointment. "I struck her for hitting you, and she did not expect it."

"So not only is she weak, but blind as well. Only the more reason as to why she shouldn't be here, this is no place for filth like her."

"Don't call me that." I whispered tears sprung to my eyes, it's like I was weak around him. As if I couldn't handle my posture when he was in my presence, what can't I stay strong? Why do his words hurt me more than others? All he did was shake his head.

"How can you expect to fight a dragon when you act like a child." I did nothing this time, I didn't hit him, I didn't strike him. I just turned away and went to go to the garden but he spoke once more. "Your weak, just like the rest of your kin that died in the cold blast."

"What did you just say to me?" My eyes turned red as my wings spread, he wasn't smiling anymore. "You call me weak? I'll show you weak!" With one blast of my magic, I threw him back making him hit the white bridge. He let out a gasp of air, trying to gather his breath but I had knocked the wind out of him. I wasn't done with him, I made my way over with a sword in hand. "You think you can take me on?" I brought down my sword, quickly he blocked. "You think that your stronger than me?!" I struck again, this time cutting his cheek. "I AM Y/N! THE QUEEN OF THE DIGONISKS! THE SOUL OF THE BLACK DRAGON!" He blocked each time I went to hit him, he didn't hit me back, he just stared at me in horror. I brought down my weapon once more, and this time he couldn't block, for he was to slow. My weapon stopped as it was pointed at his neck, and I smirked at the fear that was painted on his face. "You will do well to respect me, for you have just been bested. So Thorin, any words?" He kept silent as he stood, sheathing his blade. I returned to my normal form, and walked off towards the sanctuary.

Elrond wouldn't mind, Rivendell was like my second home anyways. Elves besides wizards were the only ones who knew what happened that day. They knew that my people weren't terrible, they knew the truth. Walking through the garden, my mind swirled with thoughts. My actions didn't help my case that I was innocent, what I had just done to their king was not right. I shouldn't have been so careless, I should've kept calm. Let's just hope they all forgive me, for I need their help to get through this journey.

~♪♠♪~

The sun began to set, making everything an orange shade, and the water down below was just gorgeous. I missed land, our floating island wasn't that big and we barely had room for farms. I wish we could go back to Larthas, hopefully, once I get those scrolls we can return home.

"Y/n." A gruff voice called, he stood next to me, arms folded against his chest. The cut on his cheek had been tended to, it wasn't as deep as I thought it was. Tears sprung to my eyes, I didn't feel like dealing with him right now. And the thought of his words from earlier hurt me more.

"Please go away." My words came out like a whisper, he didn't say anything as he joined me on the balcony. He sent me a look of remorse as he noticed the tear that slipped down my cheek. "I do not want to deal with your hatred right now."

"I do not have hatred for you."

"Really? Cause that's how you acted this entire trip. All because of where I come from, you see me as nothing but an enemy...I've tried my hardest to keep calm but you're making it hard. Why do you hate me so much? What have I've done to you? I barely know you!" His hand hesitantly slipped over mine, he clutched it gently, I wanted to pull away but I also wanted to enjoy this moment. It was very rare that I would have a moment like this with him, where he was nice.

"...I'm sorry, your right I have been acting rudely. I shouldn't have said the things I said. It was wrong for me to speak in such a way...I worry, I worry that you'll turn your back on us. That you're not here to slay Smaug, that your here to kill us."

"If I wanted to kill you I would've done it already, besides Gandalf wouldn't bring me along if he knew I would do such a thing." As much as I wanted to beat the crap out of Thorin for hurting me, I understand how he felt. I have to worry about myself, I have to worry if they've poisoned me or not. Or if they're planning to kill me, it was all so frustrating. "I know you hate me, but you shouldn't, for I am not the one who slaughtered your kin. Even if my kind had, I was too young to be a soldier during that time. And I'm pretty sure you were too young to be a soldier when the cold blast happened. So truth is, we shouldn't hate each other for something our ancestors did." I glanced over at him, a look of guilt spread across his face as he became deeper in thought. His eyes became glossy for a moment, but he blinked them away and smiled at me.

"Your right, we shouldn't hate each other for something we weren't there for." He seemed nervous, almost as if he had to choose his words carefully. "It's not like I could've been there at the cold blast, it was almost two hundred years ago." There was sarcasm in his voice, I had a feeling he was lying to me about something, the cold blast was a hundred years ago. Not two, how old was he? "Perhaps we could start over?" He looked at me with hope, his body became incredibly close to mine. I couldn't help but smile at his efforts.

"I'd like that."

@fili-is-my-lover @kirenia15 @lunariasilver @depressedchilipepper @tschrist1

#bilbo x reader #fili and kili #fili x oc #gandalf #kili imagine #the company #the hobbit kili #the hobbit x reader #thorin x reader #bofur the dwarf #the hobbit x y/n #thorin x y/n

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a-mended-pact · 3 years

Text

Chapter : Seven

This chapter is Reader and Spencer finally discussing what's going on. It's a little angst but a semi happy ending.

Taglist is open. 🥰

Part 6

This one is definitely one of my favorite chapters I've written so far.

Word count: 3,121

I am currently experiencing heavy writers block so I would love to know your thoughts or theories!

If you have questions for the series please message or send an ask.

Requests are open

I ended up walking out of the room and I could feel myself shaking. I was infuriated. I had been so upset with everything that happened between Spencer and Cat that I couldn’t see straight. Maybe I was being overly emotional but to be fair I still haven’t slept yet. Spencer had followed me out but neither of us made it far before I saw Ethan sitting in the break room talking to Jj. I glanced at Spencer then back at him. ‘He deserves to be in a cell, not in our break room. You and I both know that.’ He sighed and nodded knowing damn well now was not the time to fully argue with me. My hands were sore. I needed a release from the stress of the past couple of days. I would much rather the endorphins get released by Spencer and I tangled within the sheets.

It had been sometime since Spencer and I had been intimate due to work and me just not being in the mood because of the recent changes in my medication. We hadn’t openly discussed what had been going on with us to anyone on the team. At least I didn't. I wanted to keep things to myself. I had always suffered with dark thoughts and bad coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until Spencer pointed it out when we started living together. That it wasn't pointed out to me. He had spoken to me about it as gently as possible because he understood it was a sensitive topic that could either make me sob or be deeply upset with him and push him away.

It luckily ended in me trusting his judgement and he set me up with a psychologist. Within a month of therapy they decided I needed meds for my issues. Mood stabilizers, Antidepressants and anxiety medication. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find the right ones that worked for me. I was lucky enough to have a person in my life to love me through the changes I had to experience during that time. I unfortunately suffered from a hazy mind. If I get too focused on something I tend to forget to take all of the above. Spencer always kept a track of when I took them. He’d message me when I needed to when we weren’t together no matter what.

Of course he couldn’t when he was kidnapped. So here I was having a hard time processing everything I needed to. ‘You need to go home and sleep, eat and take your medication my love.’ As he spoke he cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek. I couldn’t help but notice the way Ethan looked at me with envy from the other room when I wasn’t staring into Spencer’s golden irises. A part of me felt like Spencer was just trying to get rid of me but I also knew he needed to come home and rest too. I can’t imagine he actually got any while he was kidnapped even if he was presumably only with Ethan.

I grabbed his hand and held it to my face as I leaned into it. I didn’t care that I had to stretch out my freshly made wounds. If anything the pain was a nice distraction from the whirlwind my mind had become from the ticking of the hours that had gone by. ‘Please come home with me. Ethan will be taken care of and it’s not like the Kitten can get out of her cell. Please.’ His eyes softened as he heard me speak and he went to shake his head no until Emily spoke up from behind us.

‘Both of you are going home. Neither of you have a choice in the matter. Everyone here has gotten rest but you two. The rest of the team and I can handle this by ourselves for a little while. Go home you two.’ She spoke loud enough to cause a scene and I couldn’t help but wince as everyone stared. ‘She’s right you haven’t eaten a proper meal Y/L/N in days’ Rossi commented from the peanut gallery. I pulled Spencer’s hand away from my face and squeezed it tightly. I hated being called out by anyone that wasn’t him. He has learned how to do it without making me feel guilty over the past couple of years. Right now all I felt was guilt. Guilty over the fact that on top of worrying about Spencer they were worried about me as well. I was such a screw up I swear. ‘ I agree I think I saw you resting your eyes maybe 10 minutes before you headed to the vending machine for an energy drink because the coffee wasn’t working for you anymore.’ Luke commented as he brought me my cardigan that I had draped over my chair at my desk. I sighed as I looked at him.

‘Guys we are going. I promise.’ Spencer spoke as he began to pull my hand lightly to lead me away from everyone. ‘Don’t forget to put him in a holding cell.’ I said as I pointed at Ethan as his eyes never seemed to leave Spencer and I. I locked on to his gaze and followed his line of sight. Correction: it wasn’t on both of us. It was only on Spencer.

I squeezed his hand harder than I probably should have. I didn't care. Ethan was truly creeping me out at that moment. Why was he staring at my husband like a child that had their favorite comfort item taken from them as a punishment. Perhaps in a way that's what I was doing. I knew the moment he and I left they would treat him like an unsub as they should. He'd get no special treatment because Spencer wouldn't be around. I was giddy at the thought and let out a small laugh as I walked out of the building with him in tow.

-----------------

I felt a weight leave my chest when Y/n asked me to shower with her. I logically knew it was probably because she couldn't bring herself to actually wash her hair or even herself. I was just thrilled over the fact that once our front door was locked into place she didn't turn around and snap at me about what happened between Cat and I. I knew what I let happen bothered her greatly. We've spoken about it before many times. I knew this time though I had almost opened Pandora's box. Perhaps I had only placed the key into it instead.

Still pulling her into my arms as the hot water washed over us was enough to make me sob into her freshly washed hair. I never wanted her to doubt my love for her. Yet here I was showing attraction to two different people and that wasn't fair to her. Sure it hadn't been spoken about nor did she know about the relationship Ethan and I shared when we were much younger. She had a right to know. I knew that. I also knew now wasn't the time to mention it.

I felt her put her full weight into me as the water droplets rolled down her soft skin. She seemed so fragile. We seemed so fragile. Maybe I was overthinking. Maybe I was making up scenarios that would never come. Her hand inched up tracing the wound on my chest underneath it's bandage. I tried not to wince but no matter how gently she caressed it with her fingertips it still stung like it did when it was given to me mere days ago.

'I can't believe he did this to you.' Her voice was barely a whisper as if she too were afraid it would shatter the solace we found behind a mere shower curtain. I caught her hand in mine and placed it over my heart. I leaned in and kissed her as gently as I could muster. She returned it in kind but I could tell she had more to say. So of course I let her.

'He hurt you Spence and all you've done is protect him. I want to understand but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd protect a man that did such awful things to you.' As she spoke I remembered why I let him get away with it. It was simple. I couldn't remember who had actually hurt me. If it were him or Lindsey. I never coherently saw her. I only saw him and I felt like that was deliberately done.

'Sweetheart, do you trust me and my judgment on the matter?' As I spoke I pulled away from her to turn the water off and grab a towel wrapping her up in one first before I grabbed my own to dry myself off too. I watched in awe as she dried off and her breast jiggled as she did so. I had to turn my gaze away. Now was certainly not the time to be trying to bed my wife. I would be lying though if I said I didn't want to distract myself from everything that had happened these past few days.

Her and I both needed rest. She needed to eat first to take her medicine. That was top priority not my raging lust for her. 'I do. I just. I don't know there's things I don't know that I need to know before I make my final judgement on the situation. All I know is that my husband has been sexually touched, kidnapped and tortured in a matter of days and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome besides not walking out of the bureau when Cat touched you through your slacks!'

I could hear the frustration in her voice as she pulled on her panties and one of my t-shirts from college. I watched her as she quickly left the bathroom to head into the kitchen. I quickly slid on my gray sweats and rushed after her. I didn't like the idea of her being alone when she was angry and not in a great state of mind.

'I'm sorry.' I pulled her into me as she began to make herself toast. I placed a kiss on the junction between her neck and shoulder. 'I should have stopped the whole thing sooner. I just kept trying because I was certain if I did she'd slip up but she never did.'

By now I knew how Y/N's mind worked. 'Spencer you didn't stop her because you didn't want to. Whether you understand your attraction to her or not. You've always wanted to sleep with her. You yourself told me so when we were just friends. Don't start lying to me now about things' She pulled away from me and took the toast and her glass of water to the couch.

I realized then that she had actually made me some toast as well. I turned around to grab my own glass of water and her medicine. I sat beside her and sighed. 'Eat first then take your medicine. If you are feeling up to it I'll tell you before we go to bed tonight. Everything you need to know and probably things you'd rather not hear but as my wife and my best friend you have the right to know everything.'

She nodded as she bit into her food. Tears were silently streaming down her face already. I knew right now that it wasn't because of me. Not fully anyway she was just overwhelmed.

We ate in silence. I handed her; her pills and she took them without complaint. If anything she seemed rather numb to everything around her.

'Maybe telling you should wait.' I said as I pulled her to me. 'Thank you for not fighting with me about taking your medicine.' I kissed her cheek. 'I'm proud of you and how well you've held yourself together while I was gone.' She wasn't codependent on me per say but praise was always something I gave her. Especially after mom started to pick fights with me about her medication. Y/n was a walk in the park for me compared to her. She always felt bad that I needed to take care of her when she wasn't in her right state of mind.

To be honest though I love taking care of her. She was perfectly capable of doing anything and everything on her own but she trusted me enough to shut her brain off for a bit and let me take the reins for a few hours or even days. Right at this moment was one of those times. It's not like I didn't have days and times like her where I shut my mind off as well because I did and she would baby me and look after me like I am her at this very moment.

'I'd rather you tell me right now. I don't have the urge to fight or to do much of anything.' I nodded as I pulled her up with me and led her to the bed laying down with her and holding her from behind.

'First and foremost. I am in love with you with every fiber of my being. I don't ever want you to doubt that but I'll understand after I tell you everything if you do but I need you to always remember I will choose you without hesitation, without question.' She nodded after I was done. My fingers traced up and down her hand as I held her as close as possible.

'I'll always be your best friend first. Then your wife. That was something I told you on our wedding day and I plan to stick by that choice. I only ask that you stay remaining honest with me. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in your mind. As long as we stay honest with one another I know that we can make it through anything.' She pulled my hand up to her lips and kissed it and I couldn't help but sigh in relief. She was more than I deserved and I don't think anyone would ever understand how much I didn't deserve her.

'I'm not sure if it was Ethan that hurt me. I know he was the one to kidnap me but other than that I don't believe it was him. He would never hurt someon-' I stopped myself as I was searching for the right words. I could tell she was waiting with baited breath. 'Ethan would never hurt me like that would most likely be the proper word to say.'

She nodded 'You're holding back love. Just say what needs to be said. I can take it.'

I bit my lip and exhaled. 'Ethan wouldn't hurt me like that because he has been in love with me since college. We um.. he was- i-' I was struggling trying to form words. The past Ethan and I had together was a good one but he was also my first heartbreak.

'He was your first love huh? It's okay Spence we all have a past. Some of us just don't stay close to those from it.' As she spoke she rolled over to face me with a soft smile on her lips. 'Keep going. It's okay.' I know all of her wanted to cup my face but she restrained herself and just made due fiddling with my wedding band on my finger. Which is something she always did when we were having a deep conversation. I knew as long as she was playing with mine and not her own that we were okay.

`We were friends for a long time before him and I became intimate with one another. We always sorta stepped around the subject but one day after class he asked me out on a movie date. One thing led to another and I was in his room and we- we slept together.' She nodded again telling me to continue as her eyes stayed on her moving fingers.

I made a face. It's not the fact that I didn't want to tell her it was just the fact that I didn't know how.

'We dated all of college and then we separated when I joined the academy. I made it and he didn't. We grew apart. One thing led to another and I caught him in a very intimate position with someone. He claimed that the other person involved was the one that started it. He didn't have time to react before I walked out.'

I didn't dare look at her. I knew it was dumb of me to still be so hurt by what happened between him and I but I was. I trusted him deeply even to this day but I just couldn't let go of the way it looked like that wasn't their first kiss. No matter how many times he proved to me that it was.

Her hand moved to cup my face as she kissed away the small tears that I was shedding.

'I'm sorry he broke your heart Spencer. You didn't deserve that.'

'After I left we never fully spoke again. I never gave him the time of day. Not fully. We'd talk as friends and we'd talk for cases such as where Jj met Will but other than that I just shut anything to do with him out.'

I looked at her finally, my vision blurry with unshed tears and she looked at me and smiled softly at me. 'The truth is I was in love with him. After him I fell in love with Maeve. Then I met you and it's like everything started making sense again. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't drawn to you originally because in some aspects you reminded me of him. I think that was one of the reasons I first realized I was attracted to you.'

She pulled me in suddenly and kissed me sweetly on the lips. 'I love you Spencer. You and the things that make you, you now. We need to talk about Catherine but I'm getting very very sleepy and all I want from you right now is for you to let me drown in you and pretend for a small amount of time that these past few days haven't happened.'

I pulled her into me and held her as she buried her face into my hair. 'I love you Mrs Reid more than you will ever be able to comprehend.'

With that we both fell asleep for the first time in 4 days.

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer x reader #spencer x you #unsteady keys #spencer x y/n #spencer x reader insert

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xmsoulx · 2 years

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𝑷𝒔𝒚𝒄𝒉𝒐 | 𝑲𝒊𝒎 𝑵𝒂𝒎𝑱𝒐𝒐𝒏

Words: 2578 Author: M.Soul Genre: suspense, au, bl, psychopathic

________________________________________

March 21, 2017

It took me about 20 minutes to decide what to do at this point in my life. If you leave the house, call Mom, go with the bums in the neighborhood to get something stronger than marijuana, or write.

The latter would be the least likely in my lifestyle, but after a few words I realized that it is more effective than a visit to the psychiatrist.

Do you want to know what I'm doing here? A seedy city full of danger was, or is the only one, that has truly welcomed me. Maybe it's because everyone is wrong here.

Thieves, drug addicts, thugs, prostitutes ... Yes, they are all wrong.

At 23, I have too many souls who desire mine as the only form of revenge. The orphanage in my hometown threw me out when they found the body of one of the superiors in my room. However, I was not the one who left it there; If I had done it, I would not have left it in the open, showing that I was the culprit.

Suffice it to say that whenever I say that I didn't do it, no one believes me, there will always be mistrust of me.

March 25, 2017

Sorry I haven't written in four days. I had a trip. It has been the longest and most exhausting. In addition to visiting my mother, who is becoming more and more nervous about my health, I had to resolve a certain issue that was interfering in my path.

I declined to tell you, you're not ready yet ... Just wait, maybe, and I'll tell you all those adventures full of other people's pleas.

March 26, 2017

The music sounds from the club outside my house, the music is so bad that it causes me to get out of bed and kill everyone who is present to see if that way the persistent noise ends.

But I refuse to do it, I want to be able to narrate a day in which at least I don't have blood on my hands. Every month, if it's not a lot, I have a crisis where I feel the need to make someone feel pain. If I can't do it, I do it to myself.

Maybe it's disturbing, but how satisfying it feels.

March 27, 2017

I thought it through, better than I have thought many things. If I really want to write to you, I must confide in you my darkest fears, my most disturbing memories, my most painful thoughts.

Trust is built on that, I think.

I have tried to be honest with people, hoping that they will have the same trust with me as I do with them. But I also think that's more of a dream than a reality. I can want so much and get so little.

Life has shown me to trust, how to trust, how to carry everything on my shoulders showing a smile even though inside everything is as broken as a glass thrown from a table.

I have not been strong enough not to cry, however, although the pain is terribly heartbreaking, the tears do not come because it forces me to assume that they will not help me solve anything.

I've just waited, I keep doing it; while I wait I find myself in the obligation to unload my pain in something else.

Furthermore, I think that's the main reason. My disorder is just a side effect.

It is a controversial diagnosis described as a personality alteration characterized by narcissism, impulsivity, and controlling and manipulative behaviors. Lack of empathy and feelings of guilt; also confused with the sociopath, but with slight perceptible differences for the normal population.

Or so the web says about psychopathy.

My family's concern grows more every day, they don't know what I'm doing. If so, I prefer not to know the possibilities.

It would not be me who is in danger, it would be them too. Believe it or not, I can have feelings.

April 01, 2017

I left home around six in the morning. This time I couldn't stand the sound of the cars and their stereos. So, I took a cloth with chloroform, a knife and slammed the door. Several of the neighbors saw me go through the corridors like a soul carried by the devil, but no one crossed my path, they left the space free. They must be afraid of me, although I don't think I gave them reasons.

Look from side to side before crossing the streets. From that point, the music was louder, giving the sensation that I was being hit with a mallet.

— Hello, handsome —said one of the drunken women who was standing on the hood of one of the cars that owned the noise. At the call I smiled slyly, making my way through the people who were trying to stay upright, while little by little I took out a knife perfectly stored on the side.

Next to the girl there was a man dressed completely in black, he was looking with a frown at everything that was happening around him, including me in that sad scene.

It was he who had the last word to set my goal.

—But if the devil came to the party —he walked away from the car in my direction— what brings you here? Girl to fuck or fun?

—I'd rather you help me choose. —I let out another smile before walking to the car.

Surprisingly, that invitation was enough for him to retrace his steps, say goodbye to his people and enter the vehicle without apparent direction under the few lights on that morning.

We came to an almost abandoned area. There were about three, four motels open twenty-four hours. So, we went into one of them. However, before crossing the door, I made him stop and kiss him, perhaps to kill time, or as a way of expressing the kiss of death because after doing a little distance the cloth smeared with chloroform took the previous place. Of my face.

The motel clerk saw how her body fell inert on me, however she had the decency to only ask what had happened, ignoring that we were two men walking in the break of day in a passing hotel.

Before his question, I told him that he had fallen drunk because of the drunkenness, for my peace of mind he only gave me the keys and returned to his room.

In the room, I dropped him on the thin mattress, his body bounced without falling. I sighed in exhaustion from carrying him a long way in my arms, plus fatigue did not stop me when I approached the boy and stabbed him in the space between lung and heart.

He knew the basics of anatomy, so he was almost certain that the pain he was causing her was deadly but not deadly. So, the second hit was on his lung, that way it would inevitably fill with blood and his body would start to lack oxygen.

It was all a matter of time, so I sped up the process. Perhaps in his unconsciousness he did not feel much, but his body reacted to my hands surrounding his neck until he felt the bone crack.

April 09, 2017

The day after I killed the boy, on the news, the reporters went out of their way to get the scoop on the case. It had turned into the hunt for Jack The Ripper, a relentless search for the boy the motel clerk had described.

Almost six feet tall, dragon eyes, brown hair and dimples. However, in a country where we all had access to the world of beauty and the great houses of stylists, no one dying was enough to find me. But yes, I got my deserved position in the most wanted.

I have been on the run for eight days, but had to return home for supplies. Boarding a bus, I was able to camouflage myself among the citizens until I returned, however couldn't sleep at home, so a motel room and pink hair dye provided a chance to go unnoticed for a while.

May 17, 2017

It has been more than a month, so it is convenient that I tell you everything. Since, I already lost everything, even my freedom.

Apparently, changing my hair tone didn't help me escape. Still, the police found me on the Gimhae pass to Busan, my destination.

Damn, why do they also do their work when they want? The good thing about it all is that the inmates seem to fear me. From what I heard between whispers, I am one of the few who have been admitted with a true psychiatric diagnosis, for which, they say, I am behind bars. So, they prefer to leave me alone.

The owners of the other cells are here for stealing, murder, trafficking, among other crimes. In my case, my record exceeds that of a few by far. Added to that is the illegal carrying of weapons under a mental condition.

To tell the truth, I didn't know it was that bad; or well, maybe yes, but I did not see it as something that reveals. It awakened nothing in me.

Now I'm in jail, the life of a madman behind bars, worthy of a thriller / thriller title. But that will not happen because no one would be interested in the unfortunate life of a boy from Ilsan with mental problems, trapped in his flight to the tip of the country and with a diagnosis big enough not to hesitate to lock him up.

But my conditions are not as dire as they sound. I have a unit cell, but without any of my belongings. But they let me keep the worn notebook that I didn't want to part with.

So far, only one doctor is in charge of my case, keeps the guards and directives of the place informed of my progress. But I've never seen him in person.

In other, more interesting news, apparently I am not feared by everyone. Several guys in the middle of breaks come up looking for attention, which I don't deny them if I get mine. They see me as an idol, as one of the protagonists of horror films; they give me the importance that at some point I thought I had. So, I've kissed them, days when the guards ignore the inmates and leave them at ease. But they are only a way to entertain me in the long days without light.

The time has come, dear. You may say that your owner has been a lunatic all his life, and perhaps he is. But this lunatic lists his crimes for you.

10 years: two dogs with a rock.

11 years: four squirrels, same method.

12 years: EMPTY HISTORY.

13 years old: a boy my age. A stalker who was chastised for being bullied. I prefer to omit the details.

14 years: a superior. He saw me with another boy, and he started insulting us. The next day: suffocated.

15 years: RESIDENCE: CORRECTIONAL.

17 years: two boys. I no longer remember the reason.

18 years: the neighbor. Accurate cut.

19 years old: the son of the new neighbor. In the bathtub like a suicide.

20 years: three women, all bitches.

21 years: Armed assault on a grocery store. Five people were stabbed. Burned recordings.

22 years: a man. With a rope around his neck, like a somewhat sanguinary suicide.

23 years old: a young alcoholic. Drugged and unconscious, he was killed by suffocation and stabbing.

There have been criminals with fewer years of crime and higher numbers of victims. Now it's my turn to pay with the same coin, I guess. I bragged for years of my escape ability to end up in the same place as the biggest idiots.

However, it would be a lie to say that he did not expect this ending. I'm at a point where I no longer have anything to lose.

Perhaps the only person who could defend me died three days ago. Due to a heart attack, my mother left without giving me the chance to fire her. And it's funny, she was not my biological mother, but I always saw her as that absent figure that I loved with all my being.

I declare the arrival of rest for those I have once hurt, humiliated and destroyed. You can finally leave in peace.

May 17, 2017

The guards thought that among Kim NamJoon's belongings there would be no artifacts that could be used to kill or injure someone. However, they were all wrong. By owning a cell away from the others, he had the opportunity to move in silence, without being seen or stopped in time.

NamJoon searched among his things for the bag of shoelaces he carried with him, smiling as they came out between hands, beginning the work of tying, one by one, the short pieces of fabric that in the end became the great rope.

Since his arrival, the idea of dying furrowed his mind. He had already played the role of angel of death for others, now he had to wait for the arrival of his angel or to be his own. It wasn't remorse or guilt, it was just the need to pursue the loved one who was her mother. He had the perfect justification, the pain of losing a family member. Although psychiatrists said that, a despicable being like him could not feel those kinds of emotions.

In his journal, before all this, he had made a space the perfect size to hide a razor. And the razor he had kept there was still intact and gleaming. So, he left it in the waistband of his pants before continuing with his suicide plan.

He took his new rope and folded it in half, and then wrapped it around his neck in such a way that by tying it from the window, there was no way to free himself or to reduce the force.

And so, he did, whoever designed that cell never thought of the possibility that, by rolling the bed, the window would be far enough off the ground to prevent a person from standing and looking through it at the same time. So, flopping off the edge of her bed, the metal of the window frame screeched before she felt a thud against the wall from its weight.

The air was starved every second faster, so while ignoring the pain that settled on his neck, he took the beautiful razor that he had in his clothes and made a couple of cuts on each hand letting the blood flow from his body like two tiny rivers of crimson liquid that would release the demon that lived in that rotten body for 23 years.

Namjoon's body was found at lunchtime when all the guards noticed his absence from the dining room. But they did not expect to find such a scene. Cases of attempted suicide had been seen, but none were successful, so the search for clues began as soon as the body was lowered from its makeshift gallows. However, the only thing they found was the diary of the deceased, finding descriptions that forced them to close the book and immediately hand it over to the doctor, who was only seeing the monitored cell through the armored glass.

#psycho #namjoon #rm #bts #relato #fanfic #oneshoot #badguy #darkside #kimnamjoon #writingwithmsoul #wattpad

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