#AND I KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME IS WRONG OR IT SHOULDNT MATTER | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

violentviolette · 6 months

Note

how do you tell apart violent impulses from violent intrusive thoughts when you get both? I know I have violent impulses because I acted on them before I had a better system for dealing with them and I know I have intrusive thoughts because I get sexual intrusive thoughts about things I never get impulses over. I know it doesn't make sense because I can tell sexual intrusive thoughts have no impulses behind them but the line is just completely blurred for me with violent thoughts. I always deal with them like they're impulses and get myself as quickly away from the victim and weapon as possible just in case but it always weighs on me not knowing if I really would have acted on that were my reins looser. When I acted on my violent impulses in the past I never felt guilt over actually doing it even if I wouldn't choose to repeat it but stopping myself from potentially acting on violent thoughts makes me feel like garbage

personally, and this is highly subjective and not like a universal Fact, but i generally seperate them by "impulse = rooted in feelings relevent to both the situation and my wants" and "intrusive thought = not triggered by or relevent to actual feelings i have outside the thought" so like, an intrusive thought *to me* is something like "pick up that knife and stab it thru their hand to pin it to the table" when nothing is wrong and im just generally chilling, this is not something i would actually enjoy nor get any real pleasure or satisfaction from doing

whereas an impulsive thought would be "punch that person whose irritating u in the face cause it'll make them stop speaking" cause that is actually rooted in something that would bring me pleasure or satisfaction to do, but i know is socially innopropriate and not a healthy way to handle the situation

but honestly, i think the difference isnt always important, especially when talking about how just having either of those thoughts makes us feel about ourselves. there is no inherent morality to thoughts. our thoughts simply exist, and they have no bearing on whether or not we are good or moral people.

i've had the urge/thought/impulse to hit my wife before. dozens and dozens of times actually. i never have and i never will, but the urge to solve all my problems by simply punching them is a strong urge that i dont think will ever go away for me. i get angry or upset and my instinct is to become violent over it. but simply having the thought to do so doesnt make me a domestic abuser or a bad partner. the fact that i have never once given in to that urge and continue to control my behavior is what makes me a good and healthy partner.

it doesnt matter what u would have done if u werent controlling ur behavior, what matters is that *u are controling that behavior.* u are doing the right and healthy thing by choosing not to act on an impulse or intrusive thought and taking measures to ensure u dont. that shouldnt make u feel bad, it should fill u with pride for urself. the thought is not the important part, it's what u DO with that thought that matters. people think all kinds of insane things all the time, triply so when u have mental illnesses. brains are weird and freaky and they think wild shit. none of that matters, what matters is ur actions and ur behavior and the fact that u can and do control urself to behave in healthy and appropriate ways is the sign of u being a well adjusted and mature adult and healthy member of ur social group.

dont beat urself up over ur thoughts, they are not what make u who u are. ur actions make up the person u are and its ur actions that matter. and the fact that u take action to ensure the safety and well being of the people around u is what determines that u are a good and healthy person making the right decisions, and thats something u should feel very very proud of urself over

#jack.speaks #anon #aspd #anger management #intrusive thoughts #thought crimes are not crimes #cluster b pd #cluster b personality disorder

23 notes · View notes

cosmicdream222 · 1 month

Note

if sublininals and affirmations arent manifesting how should we go about it? i mean i had some results in the past but only minor ones. I want to get my dad to get another job that he actually likes and if that job will pay more than previous jobs. it seems every time i try to use my own affs it doesnt do very much if at all. sometimes i just wonder if i shouldnt bother existing bc other people get results and im not or at least i seem to be lacking in sometning in some way.

Nah dude, you’re not lacking in any way. The only thing you’re doing wrong is identifying with your past and negative circumstances. None of that matters. By repeating the old story, you’re just continuing to victimize yourself. You’re the one in control of your life, so stop telling yourself lies about yourself.

Subs and affirmations aren’t manifesting, they are tools for manifesting. We are always manifesting. You don’t need anything to manifest but your intent and desire.

Manifesting 101

You want something: “I want to have pizza for dinner tonight”

You don’t have any built up resistance telling you that you can’t have pizza. You know you can have pizza tonight. Even thought you don’t currently have the pizza, you know you can get it easily, and you will have it either way = you enter the state of wish fulfilled

Result: you get pizza for dinner

It doesn’t matter if you ordered it yourself, your parents bought it for you, or it magically materialized on the table. You wanted something and you got it = you manifested it.

Now, when it’s something you see as “bigger”, like a million dollars, it’s often a different story.

You want something: “I want to be a millionaire”

Unfortunately you have a LOT of resistance around being a millionaire. You’ve been told since birth that you can’t be rich without working hard. You’ve been told conflicting stories like “more money, more problems” and “money is the root of all evil”. You’ve had countless life experiences telling you you’re NOT wealthy and you never will be. You repeat negative stories all day about how broke you are and worry about money. You’re doing nothing to change your behaviors = you are in the state of lack.

Result: you continue being broke.

You don’t need to use tools or methods to manifest, but you have to do something to change your state, your mindset, your thoughts. So methods can help change our minds, get rid of the old negative stories and start to believe something different instead.

I personally love subliminals and affirmations, because I’m someone who thinks a lot anyway. Listening to affirmations and subliminals helps stop the overactive part of my mind that wants to repeat old stories and gives me better things to think about.

But there are a million things you could do to change your state. Ultimately you just need to figure out what works for you based on your brain and learning style and commit to it.

#manifesting

7 notes · View notes

eirian · 8 months

Text

made a really long thread abt this on my...furry twitter....but i wanna ramble abt it here too bc i feel more comfortable rambling on a tumblr post lol

basically im having an art style crisis again. i know i know i thought i was over this shit too. but i really have been thinking abt it and im kinda stumped and frustrated

i used to adore having a flowy, shapey, simple cartoony style. yall could probably tell i had a really fun time drawing in that style! but as i tried applying to animation studios and started getting critiques by professionals, i got...super turned off from it. basically someone told me i needed to scrap the entire style, move away from the stephen silver influence completely, and do something totally different if i wanted to land a job and get noticed. and that was when i tried to move away from it into a less cartoony, more detailed art style

it left a bad taste in my mouth i think. i felt like the style that i had so much fun drawing in was tainted somehow, and i shouldnt use it anymore.

dont get me wrong, i love every style i currently draw in! im actually a huge huge fan of my 2015/2016 art style, and it was definitely not as cartoony as the stephen silver-esque style i used for a long time. im kind of usually trying to recreate it nowadays, especially after the critiques.

but that doesnt take away from the fact that the simple cartoony style made me very happy before all this. i had so much fun turning anime characters into saturday morning (western) cartoons. i had so much fun figuring out what shapes fit each character. and i guess i Could still make my current main style more shapey, but it feels...different?

i guess im just sad about it. i miss having so much fun as a simple cartoony artist.

HAVING SAID ALL THIS, i am fully Fully aware that i can have multiple art styles! im the author of that "fuck consistency in art, we ballin" post after all lmfao. but its a matter of what style id like to use Mainly, if that makes sense? i can change it at the drop of a hat, easy, depending on my mood. but i want Some kind of sense of what style i wanna draw at any given time, yknow?

anyway yeah. this post got way longer than my twitter thread but i said what i needed to get out of my brain better lol. advice welcome but no pressure of course

11 notes · View notes

gale-gentlepenguin · 1 year

Text

Gale Reviews: ML Season 5 episode 10 Transmission (Kwami’s Choice Part 1)

(Spoilers below)

-Okay so Marinette is hella depressed. I think this is the morning after Elation

-Wow she sounds so done

-Honestly summed up Adrien never started, Luka couldnt have started, and Chat noir shouldnt have started.

-Girl quoted her theme song and dissed herself. Damn

-And before I see posts saying she shouldnt be so focused on her love life... She is 13 f*** off

-Alya’s message was ignored by Marinette because she really in the dumps. And tikki saw the second call from Adrien and was like “Yea... she wouldnt want that call right now”

-EVEN THE VOICE MAIL IS DEPRESSED!

-Well Bustier is really showing the baby bump now

-Nino helping alya wing woman. Now thats cute

-Adrien blames himself specifically chat noir for Marinette feeling bad. And Plagg is like “Yea pretty much”

-Adrien realizing the consequences of his actions

-She took down all the photos of adrien. Not to be that guy, but if the is was about all her failed love life, luka’s photos would be removed to. Just saying

-Adrien really going up there to try and cheer her up. Boy knows what she is going through (and is mainly at fault for it)

-Look this angst is absolutely delicious and I am eating it up...

-How can they not hear the kwami. Plagg literally yelled

-Marinette was about to tell him... but then the trashcan

-I mean... we know he has seen the photos but seeing them in the trash... baby boy no

-Adrien just confessed! Damn! That is an angry yet touching confession. Boy is pissed the girl he loves is hating on herself. Dude... I can relate. (Ah memories of teen angst)

-She turned him down. Ouch.

______________________________________________________________

-oh look its zoe. After all the angst she is ... certainly a person to see

-Did they seriously throw a party without them even there?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

-Im sorry but no. I do not need to see this right now.

-Wow... Alya your brain cells are like negative right now. You should PROBABLY check before you think a party is a good idea.

-Zoe being the only one with a brain cell right now. The rest of the class I get... they sort of have horde mentality when the plot is involved.

-And Nora be calling. I wonder why

__________________________________________________________________

-And now just rubbing salt in the wounds

-Boy be depressed.

-And now its monarch. Because only when he can exploit his son does he actually care

-Wait... oh he didnt. Well it isnt the first time he didnt do it. He only tries to akumatize adrien when he knows he is chat noir. So I guess not as big of a prick as you could have been Gabe

-Plagg is like “My boy is destroying himself over this. Fu was wrong to do this”

-Plagg suggesting they find new holders for themselves to save them.

_____________________________________________________________________

-Zoe continuing to show that she is the only one with a braincell.

-286 days since adrien came to school?

-Wait a f***ing minute. IT HASNT BEEN A YEAR? ITS ONLY BEEN 9 MONTHS. WHAT THE S*** ASTRUC

-Adrien is depressed and his mom is checking up on him. (I mean Nathalie)

-And now they realize that their party was a dumb idea

-Nathalie sees Gabriel and is already in Mama Bear mode

-Gabriel... what are you planning?

-Did he just come in here to give him an alliance ring?

-Lila heart ache rating? Gabriel... what the s***

-YOU PIECE HUMAN FECAL MATTER! THIS WAS ALL TO GIVE HIM AN ALLIANCE RING AND MAKE HIM A DEADLIER AKUMA. YOU INSUFFERABLE SAKE OF SHIT! I AM GLAD YOU ARE DYING AND I HOPE EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE EXISTS AS PURE AGONY FROM THE CATACLYSM.

-The Kwami! The kwami took back the miraculous. I mean i knew they would cause spoilers but... damn. This hurt more than expected

-That mother f***er. YOU WOULD AKUMATIZE YOUR OWN SON!?

-Adrien realizes he has a chance now. Boy is going to try! And it ruined his father’s plans

-But now Marinette and Adrien arent feeling the crushing burden of their hero lives.

-Like I feel like they would still be depressed for a bit longer... But that is just me

-Guy is wearing 5 rings at once? Like why that many?

-He realized he forgot to give her the homework. And sees she is in better spirits. A good sign

-She cant say it. She is trying to say she loves him. But she struggling. I think it might be a mental block or something at this point

-The parents went to go check and they both realized what was happening and Immediately went back down. Now if it were me. That door stays open. I dont care if the boy is literal sunshine. No closed doors when boys are over. But enough about parenting. Back to the adorablw

-Okay the hand thing was cute. Also... was the music for this show ALWAYS this on point?

-THEY CANON! THEY KNOW! BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!!!!

-Party turned back into a strategy meeting

-Wait.... Is his name Boubi. What did Nora do?

-OMG THATS HILARIOUS!

-Tikki and Plagg shopping for holders

-DAMN IT! NOW WE WILL NEVER GET CAT NINO! I HATE THIS

-Okay while I am not crazy about Nino getting shafted. I do find it funny that Plagg sees a blond yell at people and is like “Yep, thats my next holder”

-HE JUST THREW THE RING AT HER!

-look at him!

-At least Tikki talked to alya first.

-Though in hindsight, Tikki is being dumb. Marinette Knows that Alya was Scarabella. So she would know Alya was Ladybug. Would that be smart?

-Okay Alya, i will forgive your stupidity earlier in the episode

-Wait... is he giant now?!

-So he has rocket fists

-Okay so... yea I am still not sold on Cat!Zou’s look. I hate the lips stick. And How come SHE can have yellow eyes but Ladynoir couldnt have blue?

-Man, Imagine getting to be new heroes and your first bad guy has 5 miraculous powers plus his own giant size and rocket fists

-Wait... Did he resist CATACLYSM?! OHHHHH... He got the bull miraculous too

-Now he can multipy!

-Im confused... whats the plan?

-Ah yes, the firemen are the real heroes

-OH I GET IT. MAKE HIM BLIND SO HE BRINGS THE SHIELD DOWN. Clever

-Well played

-Wait... why does this guy look like a mix of Blingbling boy and Mr.T?

-Adrien and Marinette had a cute moment

-Oh no... Zoe and Alya had their Alliances on them. Well s***

______________________________________________________________________

so for part one.

I will say I enjoyed every scene involving Marinette and Adrien in it. It was precious and now they canon!.

Outside of that it was... well mid.

Gabriel proved he deserves death

Alya’s mental capacity was questioned.

Zoe’s personality seems to be Only braincell in existence

And the cliff hanger was kind of expected but not in a bad way.

That being said

6.5/10

More pros then cons but it is probably the episode I had the least enjoyment of outside of the Adrinette

#gale reviews #ml spoilers #ml transmission #ml transmission spoilers #adrinette #AHHHHHHHH

45 notes · View notes

cherrylite17 · 1 year

Text

Between us episode 2

WAHAHAH wahwahw hhhhhhhh

Okay so basically, within the first 10 minutes I liked this episode a bit more than episode 1. (Not to say that either of these episodes have blown me out of the water yet but was still good) Something I noticed about the show, at least right now, is that it is very “turn your brain off and just watch it”, as were most shows back in 2019, which I kinda like, especially coming out of the eclipse and kp, I don’t think I can do another show right now that requires me to think. But yes, my shallow thoughts, here we come!

1. I LOVE MANOW. Her character so far is so funny, and its nice to see her on screen and not just be an advert for makeup (I swear in uwma i had to skip so many manow scenes because they were basically ads for makeup which was so boring) BUT SHES ACTUALLY A PERSON NOW!! She actually seems like such a funny character so far! I do feel bad for her though for not getting cast as a character in the play... It was nice also to see Pruek remember these details about their previous conversations! Also, when Manow + team and pharm were sitting at the table and team mentioned that he knew that she talked to pruek and instead of being like “...omg no what do you mean” she straight up just blurted out everything that happened... Its nice to see her be happy about things :))))))

2. TEAM did NOT put up a fight at ALL when win was trying to get into his room. It was actually kinda pathetic how little he was trying to push him out. (I know that he is probably doing that on purpose because he likes him) But then win asked why team was so caught up over the fact that he just showed up at his apartment??? Im not gonna lie, no matter how much i like someone, if they just show up at my house, especially when they shouldnt technically know where i live, i would be pretty off put as well. But whatever lol... the fact that team kept calling win hia win and also the smile after win left was enough for me to know that he’s already past the point of just “curiosity”. At least in my opinion I think its possible that team has a little crush already on win :3

Also this is something I didn’t bring up last time because it is an actual interpretation of something that is happening and also I wasn’t sure how close to the book that the show was going to follow but after seeing episode 2, I’m pretty confident in bringing this point up

3. As @respectthepetty has said, win is blue, team is red... Notice something that team has that is blue, (besides literally everything)?

His tie. (yeah its blue, it looks navy to me though i guess it could look also kinda black?)

In the novel, no matter how many times manow and pharm help team, he can’t tie his tie for the life of him. It’s once he starts to trust win more, and win helps him tie it that he struggles with it less. You could see in the show already that he nearly forgot it (in the first episode i think) and in this episode it wasn’t tied properly once. I’m not one for making predictions because i hate being wrong but something is telling me that we are going to see teams tie being tied properly in a few episodes time when they begin to trust each other more and have a deeper emotional relationship.

#between us the series #between us ep 2 #winteam #uwma the series

23 notes · View notes

athenaseden · 2 years

Text

i dont even know what trigger warnings to put on this. i dont know whats wrong with me. ill just title each section. avoid it if it triggers you.

Sleep Struggles.

its hard to wake up. at first it was hard to sleep. i'd stay awake until 5 am. i could try every method i knew to fall asleep and nothing worked. now its hard to wake up. i fight - i fight my brain that tells me there is nothing worth it. i fight my brain that tells me all the pain and harm I'll see in the day all the reasons to say in bed because staying in bed is a little bit safer.

Can't Eat.

I struggle to eat. part of me thinks it may be because i fucked up my eating habits the first month i was home from school. i just forgot to eat breakfast and was so busy lunch slipped my mind. now, now its bad. my stomach will grawl, i don't *want* food but my stomach will be empty. so i try to think of things to eat. nothing sounds appeasing, not even comfort food. but i know i need to eat something because i was doing so much, my body needs it. so I'll make something simple (which - i struggle with adhd and sensory issues with it too). and it will sit in front of me and my throat immediately tightens. my brain rejects it before i even try to eat it. it registers what my throat is doing the same way it would something that is a bad sensation. so i force myself to eat it. there is no regret. i can keep it down. but that feeling stays the whole time i eat. so i try to eat smaller portions - it doesn't matter. i just cant eat. but i do because i have too.

Home. TW: racism, homophobia, transphobia, abuse ?

Home has never really been safe for me. Summers are the worst. Ive come out to them and wish i never had. My brother doesn't even try to be subtle abt his hate. My mother doesn't really try to stop him just gives a "hey!". Not that it surprises me. She pretends to be supportive. And listen i know it could be worse. But she thinks just wearing and buying me the flag is supportive. She still things its an agenda and forced in her face. She still holds out the chance that its a phase - she tells me all the time. Tells me i shouldnt be so open, was disappointed when i did so during orientation. And god dont get me started on transphobia. Its, i had a non binary partner (my family doesnt know abt any of my exs) and was regularly fighting them on transwomens validity. and i just. im genderfluid ! and i cant even think abt not being cis rn, i. i know i tagged racism but i basically live with people short of being n*z*s. and i cant leave. the tr*m p support that i have to hear regularly burns. and im just stuck here till august. i very literally have to be something im not AGAIN.

I was so happy to get out of the house last Fall. Thought that finally i was away from the abuse and lying and creating a fake me for the people closest to me. and i was. until i moved back in.

#im the oldest daughter #im everyones therapist #this is always my life #summers will never not be shit #i thought last summer was bad #i was screaming and crying alone everyday #but this #this is worse #i worked so hard #i got better !#6 years of therapy #finally i was actually healing #not just managing to live week to week #this is all my work out the door #i hurt #it always hurts #i want to be safe #but i never will be here #i never have been here

2 notes · View notes

glitchdollmemoria · 8 months

Text

schizospec childhood trauma rant

as my brain is worsening, and im closer to getting a diagnosis, part of me has this impulse to throw it in my parents faces when it finally happens. look at me, i cant think right, i cant talk right, a doctor is finally taking me fucking seriously, i knew all along that something was wrong and i tried to ask you for help and you said i was just being childish and stupid and you were WRONG. look at me, im schizophrenic, schizoaffective, other specified, unspecified, fucking whatever, theres a word for it and you HATE that, you wanted it to just be that i was a problem child, you didnt want a child with such a stigmatized disruptive unsightly disorder, you insisted that couldnt be it and you were fucking wrong and now im suffering worse than i had to because you refused to see the signs when i fucking tried to tell you, you insisted on neglect and all it got you was a child who grew into an adult even more socially hideous than you ever fucking wanted, more than i ever was. and its beautiful! its a revenge story that i lost the reigns of. i deserve to be loud and smug about the fact im suffering and the fact im getting treatment, fucking FINALLY, after all that neglect and hostility. i deserve to be proud of my existence. i deserve to reclaim childishness, and to insist, yes, im a fucking adult, im a grown ass woman man thing. there is so much joy ahead in my recovery because im getting what i always begged for and should have gotten a decade ago at the fucking latest. and i want to rub their noses in it, i want to force them to confront the fact that im mentally ill in an ugly, unsavory way, that im a fucking stain on their obsession with perfection. i rot the roots of this family tree by daring to be sick. they wanted perfection, pushed perfection on me, and now i am beautiful in my illness, rather than the perfect health they insisted i had to have. i want them to ache inside with the grief of knowing they cant deny this imperfection. i want them to face it head-on, that im a blemish they cant get rid of. its beautiful. i love it. i am so fucking proud to still be alive, still kicking. i feel like my entire being is falling apart but even unraveling i take so much joy in the fact im getting help, finally, even if it had to come to this, even if it shouldnt have. its a thirst for life. i want them to know exactly how happy i am, and exactly how sick i am, and that im being taken seriously for fucking once in my life.

but, at the same time, i can never ever let them know about this. never. i dont trust them not to put me under a conservatorship. they want control so badly, i think theyd do it the moment they could. in a heartbeat. and id rather die than let them control me again, especially that much. so they cant know. and i have to stuff down my desire to boast and show them how wrong they were. but, still, i think ill hold that pride close. no matter what happens, no matter how much psychiatric ableism i face, how much people want to treat me like a plaything or an animal, i took the first step i needed to finally get the help i should have gotten years ago. im taking so many steps. no matter how much i fall apart, my parents are being proven wrong, even if they dont know it. and ill be fucking smug about that for as long as id like. it makes me very fucking happy

#minors dni #again not bc of anything inappropriate #just dont want my little buddies to worry #venting #technically even if im happy

0 notes

glorifiedbones · 2 years

Text

i dont know how to apply to a job really, or at least im not super confident in my abilities. my teacher helped me apply to mcdonalds. not you. what good that worked out. i dont even know how to apply to college. it doesnt matter how many videos or tiktoks or people i ask, it just doesnt click. i dont know why. im limited to having opportunities at my fingertips but nothing fucking makes sense. its so frustrating i cry. im crying right now. i could blame it on you for being the parent and not teaching me things, but i just fee that wpuld be wrong and shifting the blame even though its my fault for being so fucking stupid. i would blame you for not helping me but what do i fucking expect. i would blame you for the time i tried to apply to a college and it didnt work out out, but both you and my dad were upset that happened. i should go to a community college and go from there i know you guys are eight but i dont know how i dont know how to i dont know how i cam only watch so kich youtube tutorials before i want to blow my brains out but it doesnt make sense. it doesnt matter how much or how many or different people tell enthings i cant because it doesnt make snese. im so fucking stupid and its so upsetting because i feel like i used to be so smart. i want to kill myself so bad its not even funny sometmes and i try to compensate but putting it off but the trith is it doesnt matter how many years go by i know im going to kill myself it just depends on when and how. i dont know how to be a human in our society and if you cant even function like that i mean how can you really do anything you know? i can only live off my parents for so long and then that gets you where? i fantasize about slitting my throat so often its bliss. everything would be so much better for me and truthfully everyone if i wasnt here. you guys like to think it wouldnt that we all ahve something to live for but thats just fake lies we all tell ourselves because people arent supposed to want that. but i do and im not just being depressing about saying that because its the truth. i dont have anything worth living for no job no friends no super fool hobbies i sit in my room for 24/7/365 days and play video games on repeat. that isnt a life worth living and im not entertaining enough outside of that to be worth it. i cleaned my bathtub and sink the other day and felt so proud of myself i remember feeling so fucking good about myself and now all i picture is bleeding all over the porcelain. i play video games all day and write serial killer smut fanfiction and watch youtube and i dont have any real friends or real connections. all my online friends have other things going for them im not a missed space in their day. i used to get mad at my sister because she left and i felt/feel like she abandoned me. but the truth is she never liked me to begin with and we were never close. i say im happy she escaped but really im just happy shes not like me anymore. shes not depressed like she used to be and she has a husband now and the amazing career that i want. im so envious really. i cant even wish she doesnt have it because im so fucking happy she does. she deserves it. but what do i deserve? do i deserve anything? is it just me being depressed to say i deserve nothing? i shouldnt have even graduated highschool, literally, my mom did my online chemistry class because i couldnt do it and i cheated the rest. why did i do that? why did i chest so often? i wish i sat down and read the books and the materials and did the hard work. but the truth is i did that for so many years and sometime between highschool and middleschool it all stopped making sense. like a sponge so eager to soak up water i was knowledge, but now im filled up and cant take anything else anymore like the sopping wet sponge cant soak up more water. it’s pathetic because you can ring out the sponge and itll be good to go again, but me and my brain? you cant ring out my brain, im just stuck being this ignorant for the rest of my pathetic meaningless existence.

i should brush my teeth and take a shower. im disgusting for how filthy i am. i could just get up and go do it now? whats stopping me? absolutely nothing. i think it comes to point where i could just blame everything on my depression but it comes to a point where i just have to accept that im lazy and disgusting and dirty. im so fucking filthy. i want to scrub myself of these thoughts and feelings and behavior but i cant and i wont ever change. ill forever be stuck as this useless waste of space. im just a money pit at this point. im surprised my mom has put up with me for this long. you could say its because of love but i think its really just because she doesnt want to deal with the emotional fallout and backlash from the family. they would criticize her like the way they do for handling my sister. is she even my sister now? we are blood related but have no true emotional bonds. she hasnt replied to my facebook messages even though shes seen them. we arent family or friends she doesnt know anything about me and she doesnt want too. no. we arent sister and brother anymore but i wish we were. i miss her so bad. i miss being a child maybe if i was a kid again i could try harder. be nicer. be more diligent. but i could do that now couldnt i? anyways; the backlash from the family would absolutely kill whatever false emotions you have built up, for saying you dont care much about what they or other people think the truth is you care more than anyone ive ever met. its sort of cringe really. but i guess we all have our issues. im a waste of space and suicidal and your emotionally damaged. you never should have been a mother i know, you know, but you are and i am a son and it is what it is. i feel bad for being such a bad son. i wish i could have been a better son.

if jesus and god are real i hope hell isnt too bad. i would sit here and hope id go to heaven but im not the type of person that belongs there. but honestly i think hell is too good for me too so where do i belong? where do i go to be punished and corrected again? you could probably beat and torture my behaviors out of me but ill always be this useless and pathetic that doesnt fucking change. its a fact just like the grass is green and the sky is blue. i want to float and i want to be with the clouds and the stars. i want to feel the blood running down my body from my throat i want to feel the suffocating as my lungs fill with my own blood instead of oxygen and i want to feel the numbing pain that i felt from the time i cut my thighs and i want to die. so bad. i dont want to be here anymore. i sont want fo breathe i dont want to feel i dont want to be like this anymore. i dont want to exist but existing means feeling like this and feeling like this doesnt change no matter how much therapy i take or psychiatrists i see or pills i take or food i eat or dont eat or games i play or dont play. feeling like this is just a facet of my life and i would believe harder in god but if god is real why would he make me feel like this? or not make me per say but give me the opportunity to feel like this. so he can pick me back up again when im dead and make me feel whole? or send me to hell to fix me? that doesnt feel right or fair to me. i hope its all just black when i die. i hope its just empty and quiet. so i wont have to think anymore. i wont have to exist or feel pressure or be a waste of space i could just be.

i swallow the lumps inside my throat and sniff up the snot in my nose and feel the sides of my vision go from blurry with tears to relaxed contentment because i write this. it’s therapeutic to me. one day i will slit my throat wide and the blood will spray on the walls and the bathtub water with turn red and maybe ill be wearing my TMG merch shirt. the tan one with the robot on the back. i love that shirt. and maybe ill have a fresh haircut and just have taken a shower too. i used to wish bad things would happen to me and bad things did happen but no one cared still no one cared not really not at all. will anyone care when i carve out my throat? not the performance act but the true meaningful bond of care? no. not at all. one day i will slit my throat and ill bleed all over but today is not that day and when that day comes no one will care. no one at all. no one cares about you james you know that dont you? dont you see dont you feel it like that suffocating feeling on your chest? you can try to hide and pretend im not right but no one fucking cares james be fucking realistic with yourself. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. one day i will cease to exist and i cant fucking wait for it i cant fucking wait to die.

#sept 18th 22

0 notes

marinetteplztakeabreak · 3 years

Text

I need to share soft sign language buddies ninogami headcanon because they’re taking over my brain always:

(This got so long, so youre welcome if youre also starved for ninogami content)

Nino’s mom is Deaf , so he grew up signing as much as speaking. When he was younger he always signed as he talked.

It turned out he’s also Hard of Hearing, so sign language is way easier for him to understand most of the time.

However, though he’s great at making friends, he’s very awkward when it comes to talking about himself. So never comes up in conversation.

It’s not a self-deprication issue. It’s just a “thinking of things to say is hard and I’d rather have someone else do the talking” thing. He’d rather talk about anyone except himself.

Additionally! He’s great at helping other people, but he’s terrible at asking for help. He does not EVER want to be like “hey i cant understand what you’re saying, my ears dont work great,” its his worst nightmare

And it doesnt help that there have been a few cases of people being rude about it when he doesnt hear them after they repeat themselves. And possibly worse, there have been even more cases of people giving over-the-top apologies instead of just,, telling him what they said. So it’s not worth the trouble in his mind

with his few close friends who still dont know, it feels like its too late and it’d be awkward to bring it up, so he just… doesnt. He’s procrastinating on telling them he cant hear them

He stopped signing as much as he talked in middle school because strangers would always be like “woah thats so cool, how do you know sign language” and he’d just panic because he was an awkward tween, and he didnt know if he was comfortable telling them he was HoH, but ALSO just saying his mom was Deaf and not mentioning himself felt like directly lying by hiding information, so he just took the “lazy” way out and signed less in public.

Sometimes fighting the anxiety was not worth it so he just let it win in that case.

Nino is so nice and energetic and loves people, but he is way more introverted and anxious than his friends think.

But when they start to get closer, Kagami who is ever-observant, notices him signing a little bit, (not ever to her, not ever on purpose, but he’d sometimes sign a word he needed to remember while speaking or sign along to emphasize something)

and she luckily for his anxiety, she doesnt know how to have a normal conversation either.

Her (platonic as well as romantic) love language is studying and research, and Nino seems very cool and she likes him, even if she is awful at holding a conversation with him or doing anything to show it.

She thinks he’s so cool and such an amazing talented kind friend. She has so much love for him that she doesnt know what to do with it. So she channels that energy into learning to sign through the internet and whatever tools she can find

And then after a while of this, she’s like “oh no, he’s gonna think that’s so creepy, I cant tell him I know sign language or he’ll be so uncomfortable”

So, like a whole idiot, she hides that she’s learning sign language from anyone. Because OBVIOUSLY if word got back to Nino, he’d assume it was because of him and that she was a weirdo he shouldn’t be friends with

But also Kagami accidentally falls in love with sign language because she has undiagnosed autism. She always assumed that communicating was just going to be impossible no matter what, but as she gets proficient in sign language she’s like,,, oh,,, OH,, this is very nice

Even just signing while she talks makes it so much easier to keep words and sentances straight, but she only does it when she’s alone with her mother, who is literally blind and would never know.

They become closer friends in late high school, and by that time a lot of Nino’s anxiety has worn off and he’s become completely comfortable letting teachers know when he needs to hear somthing, and middle school feels like a distant dream

At some point, Nino invites Kagami to his house a few times, and he signs with his mom. Nino is like “I can interpret for you,” and Kagami is like “wow thanks, I’m so lucky, because I obviously do not know any sign language, why would I have learned it, and also for the record it is brand new information to me that you can sign,” and Nino is like “cool? Its not a secret but im glad i told you if you somehow didnt already know,” and Kagami is like, “yep :)”

But then eventually as they become really close, they are texting one night, (Kagami can still barely get out of her house, so they need to communicate remotely. And both of then HATE phone calls bc its so hard to understand whats happening, but neither of them have admitted this to anyone)

Nino admits that he likes using sign language better than talking, and he wishes he could use it with his friends, but he’d feel so guilty asking them to learn an entire language just to make him slightly more comfortable. He can talk and hear OKAY so he shouldnt put the pressure on them.

and Kagami is like “you could always ask, worst case scenerio they say no, and i dont think thats an unreasonable demand” and nino is like “it is though,” and kagami’s like “ok so haha funny story, please dont hate me” and nino is like, “…what.” And kagami confesses everything and nino is like “why… why would i hate you for that?” And Kagami is like “oh wait youre right im stupid,”

And then Nino’s also like “hey if YOURE more comfortable signing too, then why dont YOU ask your friends to sign for you. Do you see what i mean? It’s hard to ask-” and kagami is like, “as your friend i will prove it is not.”

So then Kagami ends up confronting Adrien and Marinette the next day and is like “Hi. This is a sign language dictionary. Learn from it.” And they’re both like “what?” And she’s like “oh wait sorry. Backing up. I’m autistic. I decided like three years ago. Forgot to tell you. And I need you to learn to sign a little bit so you can understand if i sign something at you. If you want, of course. Please :D.” And theyre like “ok sure yeah i can do that.”

(Theyve already learned and accepted that shes extremely direct in asking for things)

So then she texts nino and is like “i did it. Youre welcome.”

But anyway both of them are uncomfortable in crowds and parties: Nino cant hear anyone and Kagami tends to get sensory overload, so they start signing mostly in those situations, and then it starts to sink in that they’re allowed to sign whenever and that the other really IS also comfortable with it.

(Both of them are much more willing to make sacrifices for others than to try something new and intimidating for themself, so this is the perfect situation to trick them into getting out of their comfort zone, ironically by trying to be more comfortable in the long run)

so they will just sit together and hang out and have long conversations while just chilling somewhere in a park or at cafes or whatever. Both of them become chattier than they’ve ever been because talking and understanding is so much easier, and its addicting

And their close friends all become proficient enough in sign language to have simple conversations.

But also Nino and Kagami start sitting together automatically even in group hangouts, and they start hanging out more with just the two of them, and soon neither of them feel bad about asking to hang out in quieter places, because they can justify it knowing that it will also help the other one, and together that makes both of them also more comfortable asking for little accomodations from other friends, if only to prove to the other that they can do it too.

And Kagami has the lesser-known autism side effect where she makes WAY TOO MUCH eye contact. She’s aware of it but that doesnt make it go away. Normally she feels so awkward about it, and overthinks her gaze because she doesnt want to scare people away. But when signing, you literally HAVE to be watching the other person constantly, so she has an excuse to just be herself, and its so relieving

(and also its kind of fun to look at Nino anyway because he can get so animated and his smile is really nice and oh no she is in love a little bit)

And Nino always struggles because he emotionally ALWAYS needs to be the nice polite one. His anxiety sometimes gets the better of him and he’s constantly worried about sending the wrong signals to his friends and coming off as rude somehow. But with Kagami, he can literally just ask?? And she will tell him her honest opinion without making it weird. And its so comfy and so good and he really loves hearing her unfiltered opinions on so many things because she sees the world in such a unique way and she gets so passionate about such little things and then oh no, he is fallen for her before he can realize it

And they also learn that they’re both artists, they both love to just observe the world because even if they;re awkward, people are actually pretty great most of the time, and its fun to observe them and try to capture the world, and they just sit together and sketch, or they watch each other sketch, and the thing is, both of them draw ONLY FOR THEMSELVES, its not a ‘skill,’ and they don;t want it to be, its just private art for relaxation. Somehow, though, its okay if they share their art with each other. They can just sit in comfortable silence for hours while one of them sketches something and the other watches patiently

And they start to get more comfortable with one of their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as they watch them doodle, and sitting so close their legs press together, and soon enough their hands start brushing against each other’s as they walk next to each other and then all of a sudden they’re casually holding hands whenever they’re not signing because it’s nice

They try to share headphones so Nino can share some of his favorite songs and his compositions with Kagami. But try as she might, Kagami can not handle the sensory of only having one earbud in. Nino knows her tells by that point, and he’s not about to let her suffer for a stupid reason, but she REALLY does want to hear his music. They somehow end up with Kagami putting a pair of headphones around her neck and turning up the volume a little bit so she can hear, while Nino rests his head on her shoulder so he can hear just enough to know where she is in the song

And then he has to sit up and scootch away just enough to see her hands so they can talk about it, and they both pretend not to notice how nice it was to snuggle as they sign. Its fine, though, because now they get the excuse to just look at each other again and sign overdramatically with exaggerated facial expressions, and no one else around can overhear their conversation, and Nino likes to go a little over the top when signing onomatopoeia and acting out particular parts of the song rhythm that he likes, and Kagami laughs, and they both mentally save the image of each other in this moment the same way that they look at reference images for artwork, memorizing the lines of each movement and the things that make each smile unique,

and Nino also shows up at every single one of her fencing tournaments, and he sits as close as he can and signs encouraging messages to her from the crowd whenever she’s not actively competing, (that her blind mom can never catch, which is somewhat of a bonus to Kagami, because every element of their friendship that her mother cant interact with makes this more personal and special and HERS). Every little sign she sends back at him, even a simple thank you, always feels so good and rebellious and free because shes supposed to be focusing on fencing but shes deciding to care more about friendship. And even if she’s expected to leave immediately afterword, she’ll find every excuse possible to find him and give him a hug, which he’ll always accept even though she jokingly warns him shes sweaty and gross

And eventually they are special best friends and it brings them instant joy to see each other and theyre able to interact for no reason other than that they want to and like each other

(And then they kiss)

#ninogami #ninami #nino lahiffe #kagami tsurugi #miraculous ladybug #ml #fic tag #dont want to tag this with the other ship because the tumblr algorithm is weird #and i dont want it going in the tag because theres no content for that ship and this directly opposes it #but i respect nino and alyas relationship so much they are so good and perfect #but im also terminally a multishipper #and ninogami is so darn precious too i love them #i just try not think about the circumstances with alya in this shup #ship #just imagine she and nino are still close bros and alya is dating marinette or adrien or whoever else you want

88 notes · View notes

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

Note

tw: eating disorder

idk if this is the right place to ask, but do you have any advice or resources for trying not to be self loathing or convincing yourself that it's okay to eat? I don't think i have an eating disorder by diagnosable standards, but I often have issues with eating and body image. and I know I shouldnt hate myself for not looking how I want and I would never ever judge anyone else on their appearance, it's just one of those stupid internalized things where it's perfectly fine for everyone else *but* you. and no matter how much I logically know my brain is being stupid and I need to eat to live and it's okay to not have a "perfect" body, I still cant help how I feel, and I hate that I hate myself and punish myself for something so arbitrary and superficial.. I try to push it away but it's been getting harder again lately and I don't know how to make it better and I hate feeling this way. I want to love myself but even body neutrality is hard right now.. thank you for reading and any help offered

Ahoy there Anon,

I'm so sorry that you've been going through eating issues- it's such a painful thing to struggle with not liking your body, and not feeling like it deserves to be nourished. Even though you don't have a diagnosis, your thoughts and feelings about yourself and eating are completely valid- not having a diagnosis (or feeling like you won’t meet the criteria for one)!will never make what you're going through any less real, or any less valid!

I feel a lot of the same things, especially as I'm working through recovery. I promise, you're not alone in feeling this way- even if the thoughts are terrifying, and loud, and always seem to focus only on you. You’re working so hard to fight them, and I’m so proud of you.

Something I like to do when the self-loathing voice is loud (other than distractions, which I love both using and recommending!) is finding what’s causing it. When I feel myself starting to spiral, and when I feel my brain telling me that something’s wrong with my body, it’s almost always coming from another place of stress- like an essay I’m currently working on, or a big deadline I’m getting ready for. Once I can find the real source of what’s putting so much pressure on my brain- and what’s making me want to revert to old behaviors that brought me relief- it makes the disordered thoughts seem weaker.

Finding out what the real self-loathing source is can be pretty difficult sometimes- especially if the thoughts are the kind that give you a hard time focusing on anything else. If mine are too mean to work around, that’s when I’ll make use of distracting myself- it can be a text or call to someone you know, or something as simple as taking note of everything your body is feeling instead of your brain. Being able to focus on “my head is laying on a soft pillow” or “the tea I’m drinking is warm, and tastes nice” helps me feel more grounded, and makes me focus on what my body can do instead of how it looks to me. (It also helps me take my mind off of a mistake I made, if that's what triggered the onslaught!)

For convincing myself that it's okay to eat, something that helps me out on difficult days is giving myself something comforting to touch while I'm eating. This can be something as big as a blanket, or something as small as a bracelet that I'm wearing- anything that helps to associate a positive sensation with eating.

If these don't work for you, don't worry! That's okay! Everyone's struggles are different, and everyone has different needs too. This is a general list of coping strategies for disordered eating- you're allowed to use whatever techniques and resources work best for you!

You’re so worthy of everything good in the world, and I can't even begin to say how happy I am that you're here.

Thank you for being with us today, Anon, and thank you for bringing so much good into the world. I hope this helped you- you're working so hard to beat this, and I believe in you. We're here if you ever want to reach out again- even if it's just for some extra support!

-Mod Nova 💫

#(You're doing such a fantabulous job today!!)#mod nova #trauma talks #tw eating disorders #tw eating disorder #tw disordered eating #tw self loathing #(No pressure to use these labels!!)

12 notes · View notes

doodledrawsthings · 4 years

Text

Her Aim Was Getting Better

(Ahit ““““““Coffee Shop AU”““““““ rp log)

This is part of an RP between @displacedentities and myself detailing the meet-up between Luka and Vanessa, when she spikes his coffee with the curse. We did this a while back to get a feel for the characters and how that scene would go down, and they nailed it with how they wrote Vanessa. So I asked them if I could post it. Some of the stuff here was written before we had other things established, so some things like Hatties’s age and how long ago they split might be inconsistent with other posts I’ve made, but Enjoy!

(also forgive me for the way i write my parts, I’m not as practiced at writing rip)

(MysticDoodles) Despite the warm paper cup in her hands, Vanessa couldn't deny the chill in her bones. It had yet to go away since that day in court, biting at her skin and hovering just at the base of her brain stem. It always seemed to grow colder whenever she thought about how she got here... the things she'd said. What she almost did to that poor briefcase jockey in the courthouse.

But it didn't matter, anymore. If anything, her mom was happy she lost that case. Losing her husband and... child had stripped away all excuses she had not to throw herself into her work, and her mother was happy.

Vanessa was not happy.

In fact, she was seething.

Luka took everything from her, that day. Her love, her place in their home. His adorable smile, his laugh... they weren't hers anymore. He only gave them to that- little gremlin. The parasite that took his love away from her, her precious nickname given to their daughter.

Nobody got to be Luka's princess except Vanessa herself. Never again.

She lost the custody battle and her efforts to take Luka's obsession away from him, but she was going to make sure he lost so much more.

Vanessa waited in the autumn breeze, her fingers clenching and unclenching around the coffee cup. Chestnut-infused Columbian. His favorite. A sister cup sat opposite the table, waiting for him. If he was brave enough to show his face. .

(DeusExMakena) He could see her from his car as he pulled into the parking space, sitting at a table by the large window at the front of the coffee shop. How long had it been now? Around five years, right? Hattie was barely a year old when they split.

He used to get so excited about meeting her, being in her presence, making her smile... and now the very thought of just getting out of his car and making eye contact with her left a pit in his stomach. As much as he'd loved this woman in the past, the way she treated their newborn daughter.... he had to stop thinking about it. Starting this meeting out in an angry mood wouldn't be a good idea.

With a sigh he finally willed himself to leave the vehicle, and just as he looked up their eyes met. The pit in his stomach deepened as he walked up to the cafe doors.

(MysticDoodles) The ice crept up her neck again. Vanessa forced it down, and put up a smile. No reason to start this off as cold as the ice in her veins.

Luka can see from her attire that she's doing rather well- financially, anyway. A thick coat against the autumn chill- or maybe from her heart, so closed off- and a scarf stuffed into her bookbag. Her mother must have improved her stipend, now that they split. What a beastly woman. It's pointless to ponder what-ifs at this point, but maybe if Vanessa's mother had been someone else... no. No point.

With one hand, she gestures to the chair opposite her. Empty and waiting. "Hello, Luka. I got your favorite. You're doing well?"

...the tenor isn't as friendly as it sounds, and feels more plastic than her smile appears.

(DeusExMakena) He hesitates, looking around the venue at the other tennants before wordlessly taking the seat across from her, mostly staring at the coffee cup in front of him.

Why is he having such a hard time looking at her?

"I'm... fine," he manages to force out as he takes the cup in both hands. Come on, man just get this over with and you can go home. "So uh, what brings you here?"

He wishes he could kick himself in the face for how out of place he feels, right now. What do you even say to someone you haven't seen in years, when the last time you saw them had been after an intense battle over the custody rights of the child you fought so hard to protect?

At least the warmth of the cup in his hands provides him with some reassurance.

(MysticDoodles) Something in Vanessa's smile twitches, but it's gone before he can really tell what it was.

"Oh- I just wanted to chat, catch up on old times, you know? I'm guessing the bar exam went well?"

...

Awkward silence, as Vanessa turns her smile away. She lifts her own coffee cup to her lips and takes a long drink, looking at the pavement.When she sets it down, there's a brief moment where her fingertips looked blue. It soon fades back into perfectly trimmed nails.

"...you know why I called you here, Luka. Don't make me lie to you." Her voice grows quiet, though pensive or frustrated is difficult to parse. "You were always better at lying, anyway."

(DeusExMakena) He squints slightly at that last remark and has to do enrything in his power to hold his tongue.

"I dont, actually. With the way things ended the last time we saw eachother, I was almost sure that would be it." he says, probably with a bit more venom in his tone than he should have used, but he was here for less than 10 minutes, now, and he could already feel his patience waning.

"But if you're really just here to reconnect, you'll have to forgive me" he takes a moment to swirl the cup in front of him before lifting it towards his mouth "I'm not very good at small-talk."

Chestnut-infused Columbean bean. Cream and Sugar. So nice to know that she never forgot.

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa smiles as he takes a drink. It's gone by the time he removes the cup again.

"...sorry," she says. Her stony expression shifts into a frown. This wasn't how she expected this conversation to go- but really, she had been expecting nothing, so no pain or gain thus far. "I'm not being very polite, am I? I guess I just- missed you, Luka. It's very different, going back to my mother's apartment after-... well. Being with you."

...

Another quiet sip. Vanessa runs her finger on the plastic cap.

"...do you miss the nights after we studied, when we'd just sit on the couch together and watch garbage movies?"

Before Harriet came along, she didn't say aloud.

(DeusExMakena) Of course he did, he loved her. And as much as he'd love to revisit those moments, to relive the sense of elation he felt when he got her to laugh over awkward acting and nonsensical writing... He just couldn't forgive her for what she did.

He sighs, opting to indulge in her to see where she's going with this.

"Yeah," He takes another sip, looking back down at the table "Sometimes I still wonder why that had to stop."

(MysticDoodles) There's no way he misses the way her fingers tighten on the paper coffee cup. Especially since it's accompanied by an audible pop of paper crumpling in a half inch, and liquid sloshing within.

"They did stop, Luka."

How could he be so blind?

"They stopped when you stopped spending them with me. You spent all your time with our daughter, and not with the loving wife who gave her to you. Don't you see how unfair that is? I deserved your time, too."

Vanessa sighs, her words almost chastising. It reminded of the times she shifted into 'disappointed mother' mode around Harriet. Their one year old, at the time, who didn't understand consequences for things like dropping a toy in the sink. She even had the nerve to sound hurt as she speaks those words.

(DeusExMakena) He is absolutely apalled.

"I-" he doesnt know why he cant find the words to respond. His eyes wide and his eyebrows furrow as he glares directly at her. He shouldnt be surprised by this, really, he saw this coming. Five years, and some things will just never change.

Luka pinches the bridge of his nose, he MARRIED this woman.

"I'm sorry, are we- are we really doing this again?" He sets his coffee cup on the table with a little more force than he wanted to, "You do realize you're getting jealous over a literal one-year old that we both agreed that we wanted to have. I'm her father, I'm sorry, again, for doing my job and raising our child."

(MysticDoodles) Vanessa's long-suffering expression hardens back into stone, pouting out her lip as once more, Luka shows no signs of budging on his stance. How very lawyerlike of him. To the bitter end, he would fight for his side of the case against the opposition. She wished they didn't have to be on opposite sides, anymore, yet here she was for the second time.

"Is it so wrong that I wanted to spend more time with my husband? All toddlers need to learn to share, anyway." Vanessa shrugs, as if this were no big deal. "You never spent evenings with me, anymore, Luka. Every night that you came back from graduate classes and networking with firms, you would go right to her. The honeyed words for me didn't come until dinner, if they came at all. And don't talk to me like I wasn't a good mother- I kept her out of trouble during the day, whenever I was out of rotation."

...

"How is my little Harriet doing? It's been so long since you've squirreled her away."

(DeusExMakena) No. No, no, no, he's not doing this again

"You..." He tries to hold his tongue, but peck, he doesnt want to deal with this right now. He feels his hands ball into fists "No. I'm sorry, no, you don't get to ask how my daughter is doing. You had every opportunity to join us, no one was stopping you from being happy but yourself! You wanna talk about sharing? Then why are you throwing a fit over a over a child spending time with her father?"

...

"She wanted a relationship with you, you know. It's... really hard having to explain to a five-year-old that she doesnt get to see her mother because she was too immature to realize 'oh hey! I could hang out with both my daughter AND my husband at the same time!'" He says that last bit in a mocking tone as he picks up his coffee and goes in for another sip, glaring straight at his ex-wife with pure exasperation.

(MysticDoodles) There he goes again. His daughter.

This time, Vanessa doesn't look away as she returns the glare. The medical graduate holds unflinching eye contact as she lifts her own cup and downs half the contents. Trying to make a statement, maybe? She always did have issues with competition.

"...so where does that leave us, then? You drink the coffee I got you, and walk away? Are you really so set on burning this bridge, Luka? Things can go back to the way they were, if you really want it that way. My stipend will get us through the rest of exams, and then we can live a good life together - high paying jobs, a comfortable apartment, as many dates and trashy movie nights as we want. Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

...she didn't say a word about five-year-old Harriet.

(DeusExMakena) Luka takes a moment to stare at her, eyes half-lidded and tired.

He picks up the cup and downs the rest of his coffee, before placing it back on the table and standing up from his seat, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Allow me to light the match for you."

With that, he turns towards the door, ready to leave. Why would he feel bad about burning a bridge that leads nowhere?

(MysticDoodles) Luka can hear the squeal of the metal chair legs as Vanessa stands abruptly from her seat. There's no click of heels on riverstone, but he knows she's got her fists clenched at her sides, watching him. She always did that when she was angry. Maybe this time she'd have some ice on her wrists, now that her abilities were public. She'd put less effort into hiding it after the court case, anyway.

"YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!" Vanessa yells after him as he continues, stride unbroken. "You'll regret this! You won that case, but you'll always be my prince, and I'll always be your princess!"

But legally, she couldn't touch him, now. Luka and Harriet were no longer family. He knew that, and she knew he did.

...

Oh well.

The door closes with a crnk-ling of the bell, and the background noise of the cafe starts to fade back into her awareness. Or lack thereof. Everyone nearby was staring, not that she cared.

Stiffening her upper lip, Vanessa grabs her bag and loops it back over one shoulder. She pats the side, removing the scarf off the copy of 'Ancient Botanicals & You' she'd found at the antique bookshop, and tying the garment back around her neck. With one hand she picks up Luka's cup, and looks inside.

Empty.

A smile traces her lips as she takes it along with her own, and tosses them both into the trash can.

Now all she had to do was wait and see.

#ahit #a hat in time #ahit 'coffee shop au'#The Snatcher #Queen Vanessa #fic #fanfic #kiiiinda??#displacedentities #mysticdoodles #lemme know if i should tag anything

440 notes · View notes

mackeydoodledoo · 3 years

Text

Two Different Types of Musicians (Part 2)

Pairing: Jesy Nelson x (Fem!)Reader

Summary: You're a musician who plays instruments, so you are a renowned Guitarist, Bassist and of many other instruments however, mainly guitar and bass. Jesy Nelson is most known for being in the British girl group; Little Mix. In Little Mixs' upcoming tour, their managers and producers want to pick the best of the best musicians to help them with this tour. One of them happens to be you....

Warnings: Past Trauma

A/N: This is in 1st person

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I watch from backstage as Perrie begins talking about a song that’s titled "The Cure" and I begin hearing the crowd chant Jesy's name. Feeling empowered by said song and the crowd themselves, I grab a mic and begin chanting with the crowd. The girls look around for a hot minute before turning around to me. I begin walking out from side stage and the crowd cheers. Jesy's eyes begin shining against the light and she covers her mouth, crying tears of joy. She comes walking toward me se we meet halfway and she holds her arms out for me and we embrace.

"This goes out to people, like Jesy, like me," I start, "Or anyone who's experienced negative comments or in general life. And that it has effected oneself and no longer want to feel that pain."

I wrap my arm around Jesy's neck as we walk back to the girls. I start the beginning of the song, caught off guard by everyone, but Perrie, Jade and Leigh-Anne soon join in. Jesy cries as she hears the crowd and the four of us sing to her. And when it got to the bridge, I turn to Jesy and use my thumb to wipe a tear I notice fall down her cheek.

"You're going to be okay Jesy Nelson," I speak into the microphone, "Why? Because you have your girls, your fans who love and support you. And you have me. I'm here for you."

I lean in and place a kiss on Jesy's forehead, symbolizing that I deeply care about her and that I'll always be there for her. Our foreheads touch as Jesy continues to cry. I turn away from her but still holding onto her and raise my free arm into the air, symbolizing that no negative nancies (as Jesy stated in an earlier interview) will ever get the best of us and that we aren't alone. I realize the crowd follows suit of my action and the song ends. Perrie, Jade and Leigh-Anne do the same.

Once the final show concludes and I leave tomorrow.... I wish I didn't... I was having a great time with everyone.... With Jesy.

"Hey love," a voice calls before I head out the back entrance

"Hey you," I smile, "Shouldnt you be celebrating with your girls?"

"Well, I want to celebrate with you too," she says

"Id love to," I say, "I just want to drop my guitar back to the hotel first. Care to join me?"

She nods happily and I lock my case. I hold her hand as we make the exit and she begins signing fans' merch nd taking selfie with them. I watch them from a distance.

"Could I have your autograph?" Someone asks

I turn my head and smile, "For sure."

Once I sign their merch, I happily accept selfies and autographs. Once everyone has left, I hold Jesy's hand again and we hail a taxi to go to said restaurant that everyone else was in.

"Theres the two lovebirds," Jade giggles, holding up a glass of wine

"Are you drunk Jade?" I ask, laughing

"A little," she answers, "But I don't care im super happy."

Jesy and I sit nxt to each other as they all give cheers to another successful tour and cheers to their very first live band.

Once we all get back to the hotel, everyone goes into their respective rooms. I go through my phone and find new follows on Instagram and tagged photos from earlier. I like them but I don't follow them back, I don't really like having my "following" list very long. I suddenly hear a knock on my rooms door. I get up and walk over and open it.

"Hey Jesy," I yawn, "Can't sleep?"

"Yeah I can't, can I come in?" She asks

I step aside and allow her to come in. She seats herself on the bed and motions for me to sit next to her.

"What's up?" I ask

"Nothing really but its just-" she starts, "I remember our first interaction."

"Yeah," I chuckle, "I had to snake around the fans just to get to the other side. And when you kisse die on the cheek to satisfy questioning fans about us."

"Yeah," she sighs

"You remember watching me jump out from the stage and begin shredding the riff to the live bands opening set?" I ask

"Yeah," she giggles, "You practically fell but pulled it off so well. How do you do it?"

"Making things work when you fucked up," I explain, "I've learned this during indoor drumline. No matter what someone did. Even if it was you, just keep doing your part and not think about how you fucked up. It's how you decide to continue pulling it off. And I decided I was going to pull it off the best I could ever do."

Jesy stares at me, in awe and I do the same to her. We've only known each other for a couple of months but, holy shit I really like Jesy Nelson. Regardless of what negative people thought of her. Qhat I thought of her was what mattered to me. And she was the member who caught my eye when I began listening to them.

"Jesy I-"

Before I could go on, her phone rings.

"Oh that must be my boyfriend," she says, "oh i think he saw the photos of us.... I'm sorry I have to go."

I dont say anything to her but motion for her that she could leave. How could I be so dumb. I knew she had a boyfriend but going as far as holding her hand and she kissed my cheek?

As I walk through the airport to head back home, I reminisce on the memories I've made while on tour, the scenery that I never saw with my own eyes before and Jesy. Dont get me wrong, the girls have had left an imprint on my brain. But Jesy stood out to me the most. From our first interaction to our last. I write up before the crack of dawn and had a taxi drop me off. I didn't want to pain myself off saying goodbye to Jesy and the girls. Besides, Jesy never liked me back anyway. I was kind of upset, even if I was oblivious to people flirting with me and can't tell if they actually like me or if they're being nice, I really did feel something sparking between Jesy and I. But I was too scared to make a move, in hopes of not making anything awkward between us.

"Y/N!" A voice echoes as it becomes more clear and pulling me from my thoughts and music

I immediately recognize that voice. I turn around and see Jesy and the girls. But Jesy is walking over pretty fast.

"Jesy?" I call out, pausing my music and walking back over

As we hug again, Jesy's grip feels tightened as she bunches parts of my shirt into her hands.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, pulling myself away so I could look at her

"I forgot to give you this," she says

In one swift motion, she coils her hands around my neck and pulls my face close to hers, our lips meeting eachother. Once I overcame my initial shock, I coil my arms around her waist. Our foreheads touch as we pull away from one another.

"I was scared you didn't feel the same," she says

"Me too but about you," I reply back, "But are you sure you don't need a big strong man in your life?"

"Oh as our song says 'we don't need a man'," Jesy laughs, “Besides, being in a relationship with another musician is an adventure.”

"But-but I thought-" I stutter

"We were actually broken up before tour," Jesy says, "I'm sorry if I said Boyfriend I don't know why I said that last night I-"

I kiss Jesy again, hoping to make her shut up.

"I still have to go home Jess," I say, bitterly, "But hey, you have my number, I'll try to post about the gigs I'll do and more."

Jesy smiles, "Don't Worry Y/N. We'll be okay. Why? We have each other."

I chuckle, "Took the words right out of my mouth."

#jesy nelson #we love you jesy #little mix #jesy nelson x reader #little mix imagine #jesy nelson imagine #jade thirlwall #leigh anne pinnock #perrie edwards #female guitarist #lm imagines #little mix x reader #female reader #lgbtq

26 notes · View notes

la5t-res0rt · 4 years

Text

this was written several weeks ago in response to asks i was receiving i am posting it now it is very long the longest i have ever made and it is not very well edited but here it is in this final essay i talk about how shitty rae is about black people in her writing as well as just me talking about how her writing sucks in general lets begin

hello everyone

as you may know i have received a lot of anons in the last week or so about issues of racism in the beetlejuice community both just generally speaking and also within specific spaces

i was very frustrated to not be getting the answers i wanted because i typically do not talk about what i do not see but in an effort to be better about discourse i went looking through discourse from before my time in the fandom and i also received some receipts and information from my followers and from some friends

keep in mind that the voices and thoughts of bipoc are not only incredibly important at all times but in this circumstance it is important that if a bipoc has something to add you listen and learn and be better

i admit that when this happened i wasnt aware of the extent of what occurred and im angry at myself for not doing more at that time and i want to work harder to make sure something like this doesnt go unnoticed again

im a hesitant to talk about months old discourse because i have been criticized for bringing up quote old new unquote but this is very important and i am willing to face whatever comes from to me

lets talk about this

content from our local racist idiot that may be months old but its important

putting my thoughts under a cut to spare the dash but before i begin obviously this is awful

lets fucking unpack this folks

right out the gate op states that she supports artistic freedom but then within a couple words she goes against that statement

being entirely canon compliant isnt artistic freedom and even so if this person has so much respect for canon they wouldnt be out here erasing lydias obvious disgust for beetlejuice in the movie or ignoring lydias age for the sake of shipping that shit isnt canon either

also we love the quick jab at the musical there hilarious we love it dont we because god forbid a licensed and successful branch on a media have any standing in this conversation but whatever

now lets scroll down and talk about the term racebending

the term racebending was coined around 2009 in response to the avatar the last airbender movie a film in which the east asian races of the characters were erased by casting white actors in the three leading roles of aang sokka and katara

whenever the term racebending is used in a negative light it is almost always a case of whitewashing like casting scarlett johansen in ghost in the shell or the casting of white actors of the prince of persia sands of time instead of iranian ones

this kind of racebending erases minorities from beeing seen in media and is wrong

all that being said however racebending has also been noted to have very positive after effects like the 1997 adaptation of cinderella or casting samuel jackson as nick fury in the marvel movies nick fury was originally a white guy can you even imagine

i read this piece from an academic that said quote writers can change the race and cultural specificity of central characters or pull a secondary character of color from the margins transforming them into the central protagonist unquote

racebending like the kind that rae is so heated about is the kind of creative freedom that leads to more representation of bipoc in media which will never be a bad thing ever no matter how pissy you get about it

designing a version of a character as a poc isnt serving to make them necessarily better it serves to give new perspective and perhaps the opportunity to connect even more deeply with a character it doesnt marginalize or erase white people it can uplift poc and if you think uplifting poc is wrong because it tears down white people or whatever youre a fucking moron and you need to get out of your podunk white folk town and see the real world

the numbers of times a bipoc particularly a bipoc that is also lgbt+ has been represented in media are dwarfed by what i as a white dude have seen myself represented in media is and that isnt okay that isnt equality and its something that should change not only in mainstream media but in fandom spaces as well

lets move down a bit further to the part about bullying straight people which is hilarious and lets also talk about the term fetishistic as well lets start with that

this person literally writes explicit pornography of a minor and an adult are we really going to let someone like that dictate what is and what isnt fetishistic

similarly to doing a positive racebend situation people may project lgbt+ headcanons on a character because its part of who they are and it helps them feel closer to the character and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

depicting lgbt+ subject matter on existing characters isnt an inherently fetishistic action generally things only really become fetishistic when the media is being crafted and hyped by people who are outside of lgbt+ community for example how young teens used to flip a tit about yaoi or how chasers fetishize trans people

but drawing a character with top surgery scars or headcanoning them as trans is harmless and its just another way to interpret a character literally anone could be trans unless if their character bio says theyre cis and most of them dont go that deep so it really is open to interpretation and on the whole most creators encourage this sort of exploration because it is a good thing to get healthy representation out in the world

as for it being used to bully straights thats just funny i dont have anything else on that like if youre straight and you feel threatened and bullied because of someone headcanoning someone as anything that isnt cishet youre a fucking idiot and a weak baby idiot at that like the real world must fucking suck for you because lgbt+ people are everywhere and statistically a big chunk of your favorite characters arent cishet sorry be mad about it

lets roll down a bit further about the big meat of the issue which was when several artists were drawing interpretations of lydia as a black girl which i loved but clearly this person didnt love it because they have a very narrow and very racist and problematic view of what it means to be a black person

and before i move forward i must reiderate that i am a white person and you should listen to the thoughts of poc people like @fright-of-their-lives or @gender-chaotic it is not my place to explain what the black experience is like and it certainly isnt this persons either

implying that the story of a black person isnt worth telling unless if the character faces struggles like racism and prejudice is downright moronic

why use the word kissable to describe a black persons lips now thats what i call fetishistic and its to another extreme if youre talking about a black version of lydia on top of that

the author of this post says herself that shes white so clearly shes the person whos an authority on the black experience and what it means to be a black person right am i reading that right or am i having a fucking conniption

how about allowing black characters to exist without having to struggle why cant a black version of lydia just be a goth teenager with a ghost problem who likes photography and is also black like she doesnt have to move to a hick town and get abused by racist folks she doesnt have to go through any more shit than she already goes through and if you honestly think thats the only way to tell a black persons story you need to get your brain cleaned

you know nothing about the complexities about being a black person and i dont either but you know wh odo black people who are doing black versions of canon characters they fucking know

lets squiggle down just a bit further

so the writer has issues with giving characters traits like a broad nose or larger lips if theyre a woman but if theyre a man suddenly its totally okay to go all ryan murphy ahs coven papa legba appropriation when approaching character design like are you fucking stupid do you hear yourself is that really how you see black men like what the fuck is wrong with you

none of the shit youre spewing takes bravery it takes ignorance and supreme levels of stupidity

do you really think you with your fic where a black lgbt+ woman is tortured and abused where you use the n word with a hard r to refer to her like that shits not okay its fucking depraved and yeah we know you love being shitty but like christ on a bike thats so much

can we also talk about this

what the fuck is this fetishistic bull roar garbage calling this black character beyonce dressing her up in quote fuck me heels unquote are you are you seriously gonna write this and say its a shining example of how to write a black character youre basically saying ope here she is shes a sex icon haha im so progressive and i clealry understand the black experience hahahaha fuck you oh my god

on top of that theres a point where this character is only referred to as curly hair or the fact that the n word is used in the fic with the hard r like thats hands down not okay for you to use especially not in a manner like this jesus christ

oop heres a little more a sampling for you of the hell i am enduring in reading this drivel

oh boy lets put a leash on the angry black woman character lets put her in a leash and have the man imply hes a master like are you kidding me are you for real and what the fuck is with calling her shit like j lo and beyonce do you actually think thats clever at all are you just thinking of any poc that comes into your head for this

also lydia fucking tells this girl that she shouldnt have lost her temper like she got fucking leashed im so tired why is this writing so problematic and also so bad

hold up before i lose my head lets look at some of her own comments on the matter of this character and what happens to her

hi hello youre just casually tossing the word lynch out there in the wide open world as if thats not a problem that is still real like are you fucking unhinged there have been multiple cases of this exact thing happening in our firepit of a country in the last five months alone like how can you still have shit like this up for people to read how can you be proud of work like this in this climate

and also what the fuck is that last bit

what the actual fuck

i dont speak for black people as a white person but you do!? im sorry i had to get my punctuation out for that because wow thats fucking asinine just because one black person read your fic and didnt find the torture and abuse of your one black character abhorrant doesnt mean that the vast majority of people not only in the fandom but in the human population with decency are going to think its okay because its not

i started this post hoping to be level headed and professional but jesus fucking christ this woman is something else white nationalism is alive and well folks and its name is rae

if you defend this woman you defend some truly abhorrant raecism

editors notes

in order to get some perspective on these issues more fully some of the writing by the author was examined and on the whole it was pretty unreadable but i want to just call back to the very beginning of this essay where the person in question talked about holding canon in high regard but then in their writing they just go around giving people magic and shit and ignoring the end of the movie entirely like are you canon compliant or nah

the writing doesnt even read like beetlejuice fanfic it reads as self indulgent fiction you could easily change the names and its just a bad fanfic from 2007

also can we talk about writing the lesbian character as an angry man hater like its 2020 dude and als olets touch on that girl on girl pandering while beetlejuice is just there like here we go fetishizing again wee

i cant find a way to work this into this already massive post but

im going to throw up

okay so thats a lot we have covered a lot today and im sure my ask box will regret it but this definitely should have been more picked apart when it happened

please feel free to add more to this i would love more perspectives than just my own.

#long post #racism #raecism #im so tired #thanks for reading

41 notes · View notes

smallestclowninthecircus · 3 years

Text

Tma season 2 notes baybeee

I made myself take several breaks so I could give my frie d who is listening to it at the same time as me a chance to catch up. Honestly just posting them so I have them saved somewhere but whatever.

ep 41: real graham wrote keep watching before he was replaced. Jon feels like he's being watched. But they werent replaced by things related to the eye. It's the web that's on the box that replaces them. Endless hallways and doors to nowhere. I bet nicholas will have ideas what entity this relates to. If it even does. They're like the tunnels in the one with the builder guy. Tunnels closing in etc. Also like the cave diving one. He's assuming it's just one

ep 42: so 100 gecs? (IM SORRY I LIKE 100 GECS BUT LMAO) so there's some entity related to music right? There's the piper episode and the 27 w/ the calliope. Ah yes, this season is gonna be the season of Paranoid!Jon

ep 43: section 31? fucking books. god no. smashed lights? cult lady did that. covered the lights too. she mentioned a spooky clown doll. thats not random.

ep 44: is this that same circus that got mentioned before? it is! the pipe organ! pop off organ! pipe off! mouth on the stomach! yes! mouths in unusual places my beloved!

ep 45: antiques! like that one ep!

ep 46: every time books get mentioned i sigh. hhh sus smells. it got brighter. I get the vibes occasionally that the dark and the eye are sorta at odds with eachother. GRRR BARK BARK LEITNER. ayyy ex altiora. entity go brr. which entity do we thing it is? my guess is The Dark. The book buyer's name is Mike. He has scars? Electricity? The childhood friend of the guy who got it later on perhaps? The Vast? its formatted like an entity idk. This happened before the other one. He got trapped in the wood carving. a win for the web lol spiders go brr

ep 47: did i hear spiral? ITS THE NOT THING FROM THE EPISODE WITH NOT GRAHAM "it didnt move, it shifted" is like the exact same sentence as before. ay john's starting to remember. the laughing woah thats weird. is "michael" one of the entities? "you make it seem like theres a war" supports my theory that theres a struggle between a couple of the entities. I said i thought it was the eye and the dark i believe but im not sure. its whatever entity michael is vs the worms? what did nicholas say the worms were again? The Corruption? still dont know which one michael is tho.

Had to take a break after that episode. smth about the quality of michael's voice makes me feel like im gonna slip into one of those states where it feels like nothing is real, so i got a nice cold glass of water.

ep 48: jesus ok this one's kidna corny. you're telling me love made the crowd go away come on now. Ur losing it big J. also shouldnt it be more sus that "sasha" is so unaffected by the worm incident/ finding of gertrude's body

ep 49: haven't we heard hector's name before? oh is he the crime guy? fucking jared... so it's a throat? chompa chompa. (it's just a little bit hot) the good part about these episodes is that we know whoever's telling the story isn't gonna die. even if it's a close call, they're not dead. hotworth? ok not jared keay. it bothers me how theres so many repeated names, can they not come up with other names? "sasha"'s computer is breaking... sus. Elias our favorite weed man! jon ur so paranoid lmao

ep 50: robert smirk, at it again. this is like that one episode with the old dude who locked his door. who said idle beforehand? was it smirk? fingertips. thats so weird lmao. bahahah tim

ep 51: simon fairchild. im sure jon will mention the name at the end i cant remember where we've heard it. this is just like the cavediving episode. a hand? there was a hand in the last one right? the scalpel! and an eye thing. she's trying to throw them off.

ep 52: thats the guy from before! with the hearts! god i hate this guy writing the statement hh. lights blowing, and brackish water. we know how this ends but its still tense. rainer? reigner? rain man. we've seen him before

ep 53: pls not a leitner. oh boy mans scratched out his eyes. rip skelly. why would gertrude have had this statement off the books? jon stabbed himself?? bruh im? big man are you okay

ep 54: cockney boys! ayy its our favorite delivery men. she cut out their eyes. she knew that the eye was a thing?

ep 55: oily residue like the retirement home!

ep 56: worms? no. spiders?? bruhh. aaah yelling :(( aww martin anyways yeah i called it about paranoid!jon he needs to take a nap and drink some hot chocolate and calm down for once please

ep 57: just remembered, i think theres an entity called The Lonely?? This feels pretty lonely idk. fairchild, lukas/ lucas, some spooky place in norway idk. "sasha" knew he was recordinig hmm suspicious cmon jon figure it out. Sasha and tom. hm sus. for records sake i feel liek i should note here that I did have it spoiled to me simply that that's not sasha, but thats really all. i assumed it was like the thing that happened to graham in S1

ep 58: i feel like i recognize the name eustice (?) wick. someone please tell me im not just watching jon's descent into madness over the course of this podcast. im hoping it isnt so but, (and pardon the dsmp reference) im getting real wilbur vibes from this one.

ep 59: oh dear ok account from the fielding house. swirling designs? Spiral time? oh boyy. oh wait! 6 inch hole in the middle! is it not a spiderweb type design on the table? thats what i had assumed but that description sounds more like a spiral thing. cobwebs is a Web thing. ayy nicholas was right! the box goes in the table! the place that she kissed him was burning. Raymond is an avatar of The Web and agnes is the burning one. Lightless Flame! Why did she save him? i guess she was against this guy eating ppl or wtvr but why was she at the halfway house then? I think she's like michael.

ep 60: the eye go brr

ep 61: breacon and hope once again. tom. sasha's boyfriend. vampires sleep in coffins. the guy just walking in seems similar to the mind control of the vampires

ep 62: bones! its that one leitner. is this mother keay? the mom of gerard? this is what happened to her right? her skin was found on hooks? oh yeah thats what i thought the pages are made of skin. yeesh. The End!! sounds like an entity. phrased like one, and i think i remember it. are the people trapped in the pages? or... kept?

ep 63: eaten by the darkness! cavediving episode! (just like eaten by the sky) did my brain make up one called The Vast? it feels like it should be one, and all these episodes have some similar description about their feelings when they do whatever chosen hobby they have. ok now this one kinda feels like the dark. lights going out and all that. ok so not really a The Vast thing, its more of a Dark thing. feckin smirk gah.

ep 64: dice! the death guy! the death game thing! the person tricked somebody else into becoming death and then they were immortal? but if the egyptians wanted to kill him or punish him or whatever couldnt they just kill him? it worked in the end when he had the person giving the statement stab him, that did the job and actually killed him

ep 65: finally jon is actually acknowledging something is wrong.

So we know Mary Keay was revived most likely with the book by gerard.

Gertrude was way more aware of the entities than Jon. mary keay referenced The End openly and she cut the eyes out of her magazines and all that which makes me think she was aware of The Eye

ep 66: please not buried alive pleeaase not buried alive. lukas of the tundra? didnt we hear the name lukas before? she wanted it to be difficult to find important files because that way bad people couldnt find them?

ep 67: agnes... the girl in the hilltop house? agnes poppin off!! he's really not gonna question how she knew where he lived?? oh no D: the tree. were they the ones working on the house? aww they kissi- OH DEAR. why did she kiss him? it seemed like she cared about him? also she could kiss that other dude on the cheek and he was fine, but maybe it was cuz she was younger? lightless flame go brrrrr.

ep 68: oh god books. yup its bitchboy leitner. mans said "this seems supernatural, its a werd book!" bruuh.

ep 69: heh nice. aw cmon jon listen to martin. gahhh spiders. is that the class we heard about in the other doctor one with the teeth apple? some kind of psych class? oh dear. fucking spiders. aaaah. web do be goin brr. it's like the girl in the homeless shelter! who made the guy leave and she took his bed.

ep 70: is this gonna be the book that mary keay had? Most likely a leitner no matter what. Oh boy latin. Why did it start in latin then become old English? I'm guessing people put them in the book? He cant burn it. Phrophecies go brr. He says eh it's a decade in the future it's fine. Its gonna have changed. Ayy called it. Just accept it, it's a magic book. His death is getting closer. Leitner didnt make them but just collected them? Gertrude burned the book! She burned them down there so no one would know.

ep 71: oh boy tunnels. Our favorite thing /s. is The Buried a thing? Idk this seems pretty buried. Oh dear he's trapped here isnt he. "Not enough space to move, never enough to breathe" is that from the computer episode? With the guy who uploaded his consciousness? Somebody living down there. Hmmmm. Guesses: tom, sasha's boyfriend. Gertrude herself? (Though I doubt it)

ep 72: sweeney todd moment. Meat. The slaughter? Idk we'll see what the supernatural part is. Meat is meat. Similar to the slaughterhouse episode. Is it fucking Jared I swear to God it better not be. Hooligan teenagers, you know how it is. Meat is me lmao. Is the kid gonna be in the freezer. Ok that's good. OWW. Oddly textured candles. Made from people? Human fat or smth? Tom from the meat processing plant!

ep 73: outer bay shipping. Bet it's a subset of breacon and hope delivery. The Dark go brrr. Uh oh mans is gonna die. Leo or whatever. Cult ppl go brr. The people's church of the divine host. Who is the divine host? Is it reigner or whatever his name is? I dont think Jon can quit tbh. Probably an anonymous tip but from who?? One of the entities?

ep 74: fucking teeth hhh. I dont know which entity is related to teeth. Spiral. Isnt the spiral an entity. It feels like it could be related to many things idk. Yeah this sounds like the spiral. Heart attack at 29? Jesus... michael! That's kinda what I was thinking. Sasha goin in the tunnels. Hmm sus. They move the floor. Wack. Bet its tom.

ep 75: Man with a lightning scar. Has one of the leitner books. The childhood friend of the one who first introduced us to leitner. Oh my god that sounds terrifying. Michael crew.

ep 76: scalpel? Hmm spooky. NotSasha... think jon think.

ep 77: another double! NotThem, The Stranger. Not related to the table?

ep 78: what was that at the beginning? Question mark?? Oh boy more NotThem. Decker... what is the deal with the table. Does it contain the creature? Fucking Michael. Bitchboi himself.

ep 79: yes pop off martin. Ugh fucking Michael just leave man. I hate that dude. New person. Hmm. No idea who it is.

ep 80: shitener himself! Ok sir tell us the entities. Ayy The Spiral. Ok we know what that one is. The Eye is the beholding! Oooh. The Stranger. Did elias just kill leitner? Popping off honestly.

#Neptune tma notes

6 notes · View notes

cd-head · 3 years

Text

Dear mom

Dearest mom,

I write this as I sit on my bed, a thousands thoughts pounding in my head, thoughts that are there because you failed what you had. For while the music and writing is a escape, I shall never be truly free from your screaming and toture.

The threats you bestow on my young mind linger and dig their sharp claws into my fragile mind, echoing in my mind at my weakest moments but for you do not care nor do you mind while I have clearly cried the night before, for when I stay up far past when the clock hits midnight.

For I am unstable due to the horror that is this house, due to the fighting and yelling at night at one man who is fast asleep just because /you/ want him to stop snoring.

For when I try to tell you that I wish for my hair to be shorter, when I want to hang out with someone, or do anything at all. It feels like a task for me to just get into your head and convince you to just let me be free, to let my wings spread and take off, loosing everything that once held me down in this horrid household.

You act like you were the only one affected by dads abuse and drinking but you werent! We all were fucking affected by it, not just fucking YOU! Everything seems to just be about YOU, like I wasnt goddamn 8 when I watched him punch a hole in the wall and drink whiskey right in front of me.

That fear of being hit from so much as SPEAKING lingers with me, no matter how FUCKING HARD I TRY TO GET RID OF IT. NO MATTER WHAT I fucking DO, it will be there. No matter WHAT I fucking do!

It hurts beyond you’ll ever understand, I know things I shouldnt! Ive seen things a mere middle schooler shouldnt of! Ive heard things that shouldve been kept out of my ears reach! Ive been hit when nobody shouldve never laid a hand on me! Ive cried myself to sleep when I shouldve been fast asleep without passing out from the pure goddamn EXHAUSTION this house pushes on top of me.

As you yell at me about my grades and how I act, I have to fight back the urge to scream all these things Ive been keeping locked up close within me, all the urge to just scream “Its not my goddamn fault im like this!” But I know that even if I do say that, even if I make a point, you wont believe me.

For I am just a foolish young girl right? You brushed me off when I told you about me feeling wrong in my OWN FUCKING BODY. Brushed me off when I told you about the suicidal thoughts imprinted into my brain by the man that you married. Brushed me off when I came crying to you because I did NOT understand that I was having a panic attack.

You brushed me off far to many times to count. Youve riddled threats in my mind as if it were mere salt. Youve screamed and shouted at me and made me feel worthless no matter what I do.

And no matter how hard I try, no matter how loud I scream, no matter how har I cry, no matter how big of a fight I put up. You will never listen to me and my cries will fall upon deaf ears.

For all I am in your eyes is a puppet, someone you can and will mold to your every will.

You dont understand that I dont need a helper, I need a therapist and medication. I need noise cancelling headphones, I need loud music and gum or else I’ll fall into a depressed state, that I cant focus no matter how hard I try, that im not sane, that im to mature for a middle schooler, that im depressed, that I have suicidal thoughts that ring in my head no matter how good of a mood I am in.

For while you play that you care about me, you really dont.

You just want the young happy girl I once was and I cannot put up that act no longer. I am not that young girl no more, I am not a girl nor a man nor a they. I am me. And you need to accept that.

#tyler shut up #tw vent #tw vent writing #letter to mom #tw abuse #tw screaming #tw angst #tw caps #tw cursing #tw mom #tyler writes #i inda just #needed this off my chest

3 notes · View notes