It would be really cool if my mom was actually the way I convince myself she is. Supportive and unconditionally loving. Understanding and calm. But instead when I seek her love and advice I get a loosely disguised rage tantrum. I get my privacy invaded out of unfounded suspicion. I get mocked and bullied just like at school.
I bought this little plush thing of Levi, and it arrived today. It has a squeak inside when squished, and my mum has already had enough of it. (I am extremely happy).
I’m FINALLY telling people about how I feel. What I’ve experienced.
And you’re telling me to stop. That’s it’s upsetting my sister. Like IM the one responsible for how she or others feel about my abuse.
I hate you. I hate how other people/how they feel is more important to you than how I feel. How I want to tell my story.
That you still blame me for others feelings. Like it’s my fault.
I hate you so much and I’m so unlucky/not blessed to have you as a mother. As “ family “.
After I tried so hard all those years to try and protect YOU, the adult. My own MOTHER, who CONSTANTLY CHOSE how she felt or how others felt over her own child.
I tried so hard to make you see me. To try and convince you to care about me and love me like you should’ve always done, but instead chose everybody ( including yourself ) over me.
You should have aborted me. Beau told me that you told him you regretting giving birth to me.
i am forever grateful that my parents’ faith was starting to weaken at the same time as mine.
I’m so so lucky that they were supportive of my leaving the church, because my mom used to be a LOT more lost in the Jesus sauce
it also helps that she was a world religions professor at the time; she brought me to a synagogue and taught me about Hinduism and various other religions to see if they felt more comfortable (still took me a few years to settle on greek polytheism but that’s ok I got there in the end)
I think I realized that even though I remember a lot of bad things, my brain tries to make me numb or forget traumatic or really upsetting memories.
Because I just remembered that my mom once told me that "I should be grateful she didn't get rid of me" and she's also told me that if I was depressed she'd "force me to be happy"
And once I told her about how much I don't like her she straight up said "If you hate me so much why don't you just leave?! Oh that's right you have nowhere to go! So shut up and stop complaining you little bitch!"
I also remember once she was cutting something and her holding a knife made me nervous, so I backed away from her. She noticed and jokingly pretended like she was going to stab me, which scared me a lot, but she just laughed at me.
So now, every time I see her holding I knife I get scared, thinking she'll pull the same "joke" again.
Me lying to my mom saying I've been looking forward to their visit since she told me.
For context I work tonight when I wasn't suppose to. I didn't want her to get mad or accuse me of purposefully scheduling for tonight to avoid them. The amount of overexplaining I have to do just to keep her from getting mad or taking something the wrong way is incredible. I sprinkled in the lie for good measure.
She responded positively so it worked out okay. It's already going to be a rough one and I'm already going to be lying my ass off to keep the peace. Still feel so anxious and the system has been a mess since finding out about their visit.
Her compromise was to meet at 1pm though. I work 3rd shift and won't get home until 8am, what kind of compromise is that 😭😭 she knows I work 3rd shift does she want me to be dead tired while dragging me through an outlet mall and forcing me to have dinner with them? I know she doesn't give a shit but she use to be a 3rd shift nurse you'd think she'd have at least a little sympathy.
After I almost recover from my fucking eating disorder, she tells me “you need to go back on whatever diet you were on, you’ve gained weight.”
Okay yes mom my diet was a debilitating eating disorder that ruined my senior year.
AND THEN???
This bitch brings me home a Bundt cake and says “do you want to get chicken tenders for dinner?”
Meanwhile I’m here trying not to even think about eating ever again and she’s like hehe uwu fattening foods for you that I can yell at you about later ❤️❤️
In the same vein as the grounding question, just because I was confused by it, this is a much more direct question:
I recognize whooping runs the range of a swat or two on the leg to.... Well, some of us got beat fr😅. So imma give a preemptive Trigger Warning for Child Abuse if people decide to elaborate in the tags.