This man is so funny to me because I’m used to men’s words and actions not aligning. They say a lot of shit they don’t mean, they’re really affectionate and reassuring and validating verbally, but when it comes time to put the money where their mouth is, they can’t.
This one is clumsy with his words. He doesn’t reassure about his feelings, necessarily, in the way I’m used to. But it’s so funny because sometimes he’ll say things, like after my surgery we didn’t talk on the phone for a bit, and he finally mentioned it one night and said he was waiting for me to bring it up since I’m the one that likes to talk on the phone, but now he’s the one always asking if we can and wanting to stay on for hours, even if we have nothing to talk about. Even when I ask if he’s sleepy and wants to go, he says no.
I’d mentioned something about video chatting once, to sort of verify that we are who we say we are (which I trust, but y’know) and he said it wasn’t a big deal for him, but he’d be happy to. We’re supposed to meet in a few weeks, and I told him I’d want to before then, and I figured we have time so I wasn’t gonna say anything yet, and he asks me today if I want to tonight. I say yeah, and he says “great!” and I don’t respond, and then fifteen minutes later, he says: “looking forward to it!”
He still says he’s not sure if he wants to do long distance, but he’s coming up here to meet me anyway. He responds well to every single thing I throw at him that I think is gonna be the thing that makes him go “actually, nevermind”. This man, who has raging paranoia about internet strangers—maybe even worse than mine—is coming to meet me, anyway.
And it’s confusing because if his actions weren’t what they are, I would probably think he wasn’t so into me. But I sometimes genuinely feel like he doesn’t grasp how into me he is. That he continually changes his mind about things involving me. That long distance was too much at first, and now he feels like it’s at least worth exploring, even knowing I don’t drive right now and he’ll probably have to do the bulk of the legwork there. That talking on the phone wasn’t a big deal to him, but suddenly he wants to all the time. That he didn’t like talking during movies he hadn’t seen, and yet we did recently. He says he isn’t normally a talkative person in general, but even since we first met, he’s wanted to talk to me ALL the fucking time, to the point that he once asked if I knew I could text him during the day at work because I wasn’t and he clearly wanted me to.
I finally get what they mean when they say if a guy likes you, nothing you can do will change his mind, and now I think maybe I’ve never been liked, not really. He even said last night that at this point something would have to go very wrong to change his mind. It almost feels like I’m melting him—what he thought he wanted and didn’t want and how he thought he felt. Like I’m an exception.
2222, I always see your angel number everywhere and I smile knowing it’s you giving me little reminders you’re still near and finally free from your earthly burdens. I love you my angel baby 🤍
I woke up early to go shadow an endocrinologist at the hospital and spent the rest of the day migrating through my house, trying to get into a studying groove to no avail. Still managed to finish the primer I was reading though!