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daughterofhel · 3 years

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My icon died last night.

The little black and white cat, Auk (or-ick). A silly name from a badly remembered name from my childhood.

He was pretty much deaf; car got him.

I haven’t seen him since I left Texas, as I moved for a year to VA before finally moving to be with my wife in Vento. One of my guy friends family took him in on their ranch.

It was fitting; I did get Auk from a ranch. He was used to it, loved it even. And this was without the competition of an unhealthy amount of breeding stays like the ones I grabbed him and Ivy up from. I could only take two, my friend the same.

Funny. I had originally gone there to see the birth of a colt only to leave with a cat. Return the next day and get one more, a friend for my tiny runt of a thing.

And who should but all demand it be him to leave with me but Auk? The friendliest of cats that I’ve ever had the pleasure to be around. He also thwarted my attempts at having two girl cats. He was insistent to leave with me and you don’t argue when you’re chosen you know?

I won’t detail the tears following or the rough road and chaos that went on, but many double shifts back to back to back endlessly, a medicated clumsy grandmother with rapidly failing health, and complex roommate situations, I just wasn’t able to provide the needed time and care for my cats.

I cried the entire 45 minute drive to my buddys property when he said he could take them in. I had to pull over twice. They also cried the entire time, being afraid of the car, which made it harder. My buddy, He was the same guy who rescued a big pup clearly abandoned some years back. I had helped train him to not jump on people and other stuff. His folks also owned a longhorn ranch, lots and lots of space.

Those cats deserved better and this was a familiar element, now neutered, vaccinated, and with no stray competition and the dog was so careful. But god. I never wanted to say goodbye to my cats. It didn’t matter though, what I wanted; they needed care and time I wasn’t able to keep providing.

So I dropped them off. As expected, Ivy kept close but never got too close to the family. She simply doesn’t trust; I’ve no idea why such a little thing bonded instantly with me and remained quite the fixed cuddle bug. But she had. I felt worse about it with her than Auk if I’m to be honest.

Auk loved attention. Loved fetch. Belly rubs. This cat was a classic dog and a huge whore for attention. XD He essentially made himself at home and lavished any and all attention, to which my buddies mother instantly fell for this fuzzy dorks charms. He has been well cared for.

I know younger me could’ve and should’ve done better when I got these cats. Mind you, I’ve been gone for over 10 years now, so it has been quite some time. I’m doing what I wish I could have done for my cats then with the two rescues we got last year here.

I was young and working so many hours for nearly no profit after stuff was paid, even living at home and with roommates. I couldn’t afford the extra vet fees I needed or the fanciest of foods or any of that. I loved them, and I felt them being with me instead of the half starving state they were in from constantly competing with so many other cats, was still a better option for them. I still was at least able to do some of the important visits for them.

I cleared their fleas and earmites. I never did get rid of Ivys worms, though I desperately tried. I tried so many ways to get this pill into that cat. Even crushed into wet food. Friends helping to wrap and hold her to make her swallow. All the tricks we found, failed. She just. She wouldn’t take it. And I didn’t have the cash to go every single day and time she needed a dose to a pet clinic. I had checked more than once. It was so much money.

Older, better situated now.. I’ve been able to do right by the cats, Nyx and Tivali, that I have now.

We even saved Nyx’s eye. We have a system to give her her seizure medicine every 12 hours. They’re both fully up to date with their shots and are fixed. Ears totally clean. Monthly newly added anti flea tick collars.

The best food we can reasonably find at the local pet shop; their pelts are beautiful, soft, shiny, and they never smell.

We’ve even found a biodegradable corn based litter we can flush which has been the greatest find.

We get semi regular check ups on our girls and they’re doing just fine now. I’m still proud about saving Nyx’s eye. It was a tedious ordeal. 3-4 times a day we had to clean and medicate a cats eye. We got good at it even if she wasn’t fond of it. Thankfully the vitamins they required were like treats. Even the antibiotics from the colds they had from the shelter.

I miss Auk. And Ivy. And I wish I could’ve not only given them the life I’ve given my current cats now, (I’ve constructed basket beds, hammocks, a whole canopy jungle gym and rope bridge to boot for them with my wife!), but I wish I could have been the one to have them in my life still. I know it was not possible. It wouldn’t have been possible.

But I think of them. A lot. And I knew it was inevitable. Auk would’ve been well over 13 or so years by now. A little old but could’ve lived longer yet for sure. My buddy didn’t mention he has gone deaf. Of course he rarely goes home himself; I don’t blame him. Life’s complicated.

I have mourned these two cats multiple times now. So I’m not thrown into tears upon this news, I’ve cried plenty over the years already. But I’m still sad to hear that fuzzy delight has passed on. I won’t ask, but I hope, and believe, the accident was a quick end for such a friendly guy.

I’ll mourn him eventually in full. I know I will. But considering this is the fourth major bad news I’ve gotten in less than a month and most of it a week, I thought to write about it. If only to keep sane.

May I not receive the same news of my grandmother or my sister who both remain in the hospital.

And god. May my mother stop forcing me to recall and talk about our shared trauma under my father and just keep me up to date on my families health. I don’t want to be crushed under this suffocating vice on my neck that makes me hesitate to call and see my family. I know she needs to vent. And god. I try to let her. I do. I try to be kind; she needs it.

But it isn’t the time and place when I’m trying to figure out if my grandmother is dying or getting better. I shouldn’t have to receive that confirmation, be granted a brief video called hello and check in, with the price of an hour long dredge through a past I personally have gone to two different types of therapy through to try and cope with. Which, only to some degree, have helped.

One of the last longer calls we had she all but said she hoped her theories on my father possible molesting me were true, so, you know, that would be one more trauma we had in common. She went on and on, even trying to provide loose evidence to her theory. Troubling sentences I would say in my rare visits. Etc. She just. Wouldn’t. Stop. And that was after an hour of recalling how terrible her life was with my father and the abuse, the screaming, the terror, the hiding, the injuries, all of it. As if I wasn’t left to live my life with this very man she said her three years with ruined her more than all her past shit combined.

She assured me she was a good mother who tried. And honestly. No. But I do believe she tried. But she was already weak emotionally and mentally and my father wrecked what was left. She left me sometimes for a couple days lock in that house when I was in diapers. You don’t forget that shit. I’m still scared of the dark. I can’t reason with myself on it. But being mad about all of it doesn’t change anything and would hurt a woman already broken. Why would I do that.

Still. It bothers me. So fucking much. But she’s such a fragile person in a fragile emotional state with everything else on top. She’s been heavily depressed for many many years and it’s a bunch of other stuff that spirals and honestly, at this point, she’s toxic even to herself. I’ve tried working on it with her but it matters not if she’s not willing to work on it too. I don’t know my mother besides her many traumas. We’ve been separated and estranged for most of my life. Unless I was physically able to actually be there and provide a use.

But that’s par for the course; no one will have you around if you’re unable to provide something for it. My wife’s the first person who genuinely seems to enjoy having me around just because and wants nothing more. I do stuff of course; but with her I am not afraid a slip up could mean everything it taken away and lost. I can forget the dishes once or had a bad mental health day and stay in bed without it having catastrophic consequences. She’s such a wonderful kind woman; I cannot help stressing over how to repay her.

I try and I’ve expressed my distraught on the topic and though she always seems baffled and confused about my insistence that I should be doing far more, that lass doesn’t agree at all. It’s her parents home so I am not able to freely run the house as I would on our own, as I’m able and have in many places, so I’m often less useful with the restrictions. She’s also use to the flow and swing of things and has things half done before it’s being asked.

Our own place will make life smoother and calmer for both of us; most importantly her. I’ve watched this family, sweet, but absolutely tone deaf to how many and often their demands are tossed to her. All the other kids moved out with partners. Hell, the oldest s child basically lives here. Our own hurdle with raising a kid who we don’t have the final say on any single thing. His grandparents are enablers cuz they don’t want to hear any loud noises, no matter what. And that causes strain when the kid can and does get anything and everything as long as he kicks up a fit. And he sure as hell does. There are days it’s so bad my wife’s in tears. And that pisses me off. The kids a good person, but the fact no one will actually parent and draw definite lines and be firm with No’s can also make him horrible too.

I’ve to deal with the chess match that is my father. I often call him my own personal Devil. He kind of is. But one I’m familiar enough with at this point in my life. I know where and when to cut my losses, where to step around, when I need to swallow my pride or the easily seen through lies, and nod my head. If he was all terrible, I could have cut him from my life. But no one ever really is. And I do know I owe it to the man; he has helped tremendously in my life as much as he’s been a big problem of it. I know his biggest fear is to be alone and forgotten. I wouldn’t do that, not even to the devil.

I need some bland news. Not thrilling. Not depressing. Just some ‘hey that happened’ ‘oh cool.’ Kind of news. Just a small reprieve.

Im. Scared. Of what’s next.

I. Know that things are teetering dangerously into a very very tragic terrible story on my mothers end. I know her husbands already super suicidal. My half brothers severely autistic, non verbal, among a few other things and will require his whole life to have someone be there for him. He’s not stupid, and I hate when people treat him as so, but he is absolutely unable to care for himself. He doesn’t have the right motorskills even, though we’ve gone to many different places to try and help him find ways to do actions in his own way that still get the same result. I admire how he’s such a positive little man, generally not just happy, but delighted. I aspire to look at the world like he does. He reminds me to try. I do love that about him.

He is, however, a Big boy, 15 now, and growing. He’s also very strong now. My mother is getting to an age where his, as well call em happy slaps, are really hurting her. He is generally good about slapping your hands and not your back if you provide them. But when he is upset he is a shover; one bad fall could really cause a lot of chaos for my mother with her health. The husband spends most of his time locked in his room.

My half sister is epileptic. They have done tests for years and can’t figure out all her triggers or the whys. They just sometimes stop for a long time then suddenly happen. She’s 16, turning 17 soon. And I don’t even know if she’s going to be, since my mother won’t let me know. And there are large gaps from my sister being on tech due to concerns of what triggered her seizure this time so she’s often removed from electronic devices for a time.

When I had turned 21, my mother and her husband tried to have me sign a paper to become legal guardian of my half siblings, should something happen to them, so the kids didn’t get separated.

At that time, I was still taking care of my fathers mother along with working at a shit job, and had a house full of temporary roommates who I had offered rooms to as a sort of safe house for them. I have a knack for finding people from broken homes, what can I say? With the house my father and I built, we had space, so I used it. I was able to help the girls get out of toxic places, get on their feet, and move on. Not all of them always. But it did generally work out. One has a boyfriend who was growing worse to her on top of getting more and more into hard drugs while also she dealing with an abusive aunt who got worse once her mother died of cancer. So she was stuck with the terrible boyfriend. I had her stay with me as soon as I heard.

Another was complicated, but generally revolved around the alcoholic mother and the many, shady, men in and out of the house. The dangers of that alone were.. problematic without the friend also being suicidal and not taken seriously. I’ve stayed many times with her to just hang out, clean, cook, or even read a book cuz she just wanted to hear someone talking and such. You know? Until eventually I had her move in with me too.

Another’s mothers died of a cancer and dad an alcoholic; not abusive, he just became childlike and super forgetful. To a hurtful degree in his totally dependent state, whenever he was home. Plus their whole little trailer smelled of piss. And her boyfriend (they’re married with kids and happy now) was in jail. He had a bad past but had cleaned up his act quite well, but. Well that’s complicated. We all know that the police don’t squint at details of any issue if the accused has a problematic past.

I had two different girls with trouble at home who were being used by their family to constantly work, clean, and pay for everything.

I had an ex and her girlfriend with problematic homophobic parents who were terrible and semi violent so I had them stay with us so they could be together somewhere safer.

I did not. At all. Have the assured means to also be a parent of ten children with very different needs nor any medical benefits to help out with.

I also knew, that, with how my mothers husband was, if he had some guarantees for his children’s safety, he would likely end his life if he could. He’s been so close so many times. If signed this paper, he would have the last big most important concern that’s kept him from.. I just. I didn’t want him to do it. I selfishly didn’t want to be responsible for my siblings that would take away any bit of time I had for myself away. If anything happened, I would not abandon and forget my siblings. That’s absurd. But my mother implied heavily she wanted to be sure of that. And thus this paper.

I was struggling to find aid for college so I could go to school (never got to, by the way. Minus two classes in total. Aced them both, but it doesn’t matter. Credits in the wind). I was already dealing with my grandmother. The girls I chose to help. My shit job. My fathers temper and his horrible horrible ‘on again off again’ girlfriend. The chaos that alone committed.

I was busy providing a safe space in my home and making sure it stayed that way for the rare times trouble makers made the mistake of stepping up to my door to try and harass my girls.

I often worked 10 days in a row before a day off. Many of those days often had double shifts which were 16 hours. Sometimes I got an hour nap on the double shifts.

I just couldn’t do it.

And now. I remember something that came to mind back then that comes back to mind now. My moms husband adores my grandma. She’s been better to him than his own mother. She’s dying. He’s not taking it well and his mental health has always been pretty low and in the last couple years, already dangerously rock bottom. I’ll admit, same.

His daughter is now in the hospital. My brother is smart but there are some things we can’t really explain for him to get. He understands something is wrong but not sure what and it upsets him. He doesn’t like change and gets super fussy for it. Which can be taxing and hours and days and weeks of it. Grandmas been in the hospital for a couple more or more now. She coded a few days ago but they got her back.

If grandma dies. If something happens to my sister…

God. I don’t see that man sticking around.

And with my mom isolated. A lot of it her doing with her own family but also a good part of it being dumb petty bs of other folks that have no reason to behave like that (a whole drama I don’t have the energy to keep up with..). I just.

I see it as a domino effect of terrible terrible events I don’t want to write.

My mothers side im not very close to. I don’t blame my cousins, we were kids ajd our meetings were brief as they were. But the adults kept their distance with me. No one expected me to survive and decided it was easier to not get attached. To not get involved with me, and by extension, the devil himself, my father. So I never got the chance to know that family. Even when I tried.

So the only family I do have some ties to ajd know, is in a hospital bed, or on my dads side, and they’re dying to. And I get it… that at a certain age in life, many of the people around you start to. It’s just life. Ajd it sucks. And I miss having a best friend. I miss having friends who just seem to like to have me around. Want to have me around.

And I wonder if the friends I thought I made with my roommates were just because I provided something for them. Sure we laughed a lot, we cried over shared traumas, celebrated holidays together so as to not be alone.

But not a one speaks to me now. And hey. That’s also life. But it makes me feel pretty shitty; every where I look in the past, I can’t see any relationship, family, partner, friendship, that ever had me around unless I was providing services they wanted and needed. And I don’t mean the natural give and take.

I’m aware that I’m not the friend folks have around. I’m a fun distraction at best and have been told and reminded as such. I feel like shit cuz my wife’s wonderful and the best person in my life, and yet I still mourn having close friends to hang with. I miss gaming together the most. Or the bullshitting. Sharing food.

I’m not a nice person. I’m working on it. I am. I’ve also, for years, been working on my own personal problems so as to not bring them into even conversations. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but I just.. can’t seem to keep anyone around. And frankly.

I find myself crying about it a lot with no idea what to do.

And. I’m burnt out.

I don’t want to make friends anymore. And yet I still crave it. Which sucks. I can’t stop seeming to want that. And I keep trying. And trying.

I’m trying to accept and be happy with any bit of time I get from the few friends who talk to me. I try to take my chances where I can to hang out (online, as they’re all distance by now), cuz I know it’s a short window and I’ll be lucky to get a next time in the near future.

Online is harder to provide a use, and once the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the friendship winds down, some drop off the map entirely. A few abruptly. And I just. That’s fucked me ho a ton. I can’t even express how many hours I stay sitting. Thinking. Unable to understand what I am not doing or what I am.

It’s a pity party. I know. But it’s fine. I’m still the only one at it and though I’m quite forward even with nerves eating away at me, I still just don’t know how to keep anyone in my life.

It’s taken almost 6 years for me to relax enough to believe my wife will, in fact, stick around.

But at this point in time, I’ve realized, on a note I just keep getting really sad over, that the bits of friendship I’ll get to experience with people, will be brief, snippets, and frankly, only if I am providing something they’re not getting.

I’m essentially the magazine next to the toilet when you have a bad bad stomach bug and your phones dead.

Man’s that’s.. probably my own doing. I know I’m a lot of woe is me in here. And it’s a post talking to me, so I’m indulging in it. I absolutely can’t out loud or in life. I’m working on just.. trying to feel instead of ignoring it. Per my therapists suggestions. So I feel fucking overwhelmed, sad, and alone. Isolated. Heavily.

Ignorance is bliss for real. I wish I wasn’t so aware that I was the friend you go to when all options are down and you’re bored. When you are in a bind and need a safe spot (I don’t mind that one but it does suck that it’s the only time some folks pop back in or up). That if I’m not working then no one even has a small little want to just say hi. I wish I had people who just wanted to say hi because they just.. missed me? I gues?

I wish I knew how to be better as a person and a friend. I thought I was making strides on that. I really had. And yet.

Here I am. Just.

Bitching to the void. Becuase my wife doesn’t need me to add more to her life with her father (finally back from the hospital after surgery) and his health concerned along with everyone else’s and the own sets of ordeals here. I don’t need her to fret over me.

She’s needed distraction and I’ve left her alone for a couple weeks now to her drawing. Probably one of the best things I did do for her was clean up a space for a literal drawing room for her. She’s happier for it. People compliment her art and she rather enjoys the well deserved attention.

I personally would love to have her around more. But I’m having a lot of bad shit days. Weeks at this point. And I’m using my energy to be useful in setting the table or doing the dishes, the cats, playing with the nephew, etc.

All I want to do is sleep.

Frankly. I’m tired of waking up.

But for her. I will.

#void screaming #ignore

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apriorisea · 5 years

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BTS Imagine: When You’re Sick - Namjoon

You stumble out of the bathroom, your robe hanging off one shoulder, and find Namjoon waiting just outside, his hair still messy from sleep. “Oh,” you say through your stuffed nose. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were up.”

He smiles and leans down to kiss the top of your head. “It’s okay,” he says. He frowns as he feels how hot your skin is still. Reaching out to resettle your robe, he slides his hand down your arm to intertwine his fingers with yours. “You need to get back in bed.” You let him pull you back to the bed, grabbing another tissue from the nearly-empty box on your way. “I know.” Glancing at the clock, you grimace. “I didn’t realize it was that late,” you say. “Sorry!” Pulling the blanket over you again, he leans down and kisses your cheek. “Don’t worry, love. I’ll get you more medicine after I’m ready, ok?” You nod, scrunching down further in the bed and pressing the tissue to your red and raw nose. “Thanks, Joonie.” Tipping your head back against the headboard, you watch him gather his clothes from the chair in the corner. Smiling faintly, you clear your throat painfully. “I love when you wear that shirt,” you say drowsily. “It looks so good on you.” This draws a soft laugh from him. “I’m wearing it just for you.” You want to make another, vaguely-flirty comment, but your head feels so heavy, so instead you just giggle and sniffle into your tissue again. “Just rest, baby.” His smile fades at your poor condition. While he gets ready for the day you turn on the TV, wanting the noise more than the entertainment. Rolling onto your side, you reach for the stuffed penguin he had brought home for you yesterday, and cuddle it against you. Smiling faintly, you think back to last night, when Namjoon had crashed into the apartment at 6:31pm exactly. He had almost forgotten to take off his shoes in his rush to check on you, but after he’d made sure you were okay, he’d gone back for the mountain of bags he’d left by the front door. Tissues, medicine, orange juice---and there, underneath them all, the giant stuffed penguin. He’d set it gently next to you with the promise that it would help you feel better. Now, squeezing it tight, you had to admit he might have been a little bit right. He steps out of the bathroom and the smell of his cologne washes over you. Working at the clasp of his watch, he glances at you. “Painkiller and cough medicine? What did you think of that herbal stuff I brought you last night?” You shrug, rolling over to look at him and bringing the penguin with you. “I don’t know. It didn’t make it worse, I guess?” “Okay. We’ll try something else,” he says distractedly. When he finally gets the watch clasp fixed, he looks up at you---and smiles. “Is that penguin cuddly enough?” You squeeze it tight again. “Perfectly cuddly, thanks babe.” He stops by the bed quickly to kiss the side of your head. “I’ll be right back,” he says softly. He’s only gone for a minute, but when he comes back he has more with him than you expected. He dumps the bottles on the foot of the bed and sits next to you, sorting through them carefully. “Painkiller,” he lists. “Cough medicine...Decongestant?” When you nod miserably, he adds the pills to the pile in his hand. “And then there’s this vitamin supplement I think you should try. It’s supposed to taste like cherries!” You make a face at his over-enthusiasm. “That means it’s going to taste disgusting.” “Think positively,” he reminds with a smile. “Okay, here: take these.” Once you’ve swallowed down the pile of medications, he tucks you back into bed and settles the stuffed penguin back in your arms. “Now look here, Mr. Penguin---” “Waddles,” you correct faintly. When he raises an eyebrow you cuddle the stuffed animal against your cheek. “His name is Waddles.” He tries to cover his laugh, but fails. Grinning at your pretend-pout, he leans down to kiss the tip of your nose. “Okay, okay, my bad, baby: Waddles.” Redirecting his attention back to the penguin, he grows stern again. “Now look here, Waddles: you look after my girl, you hear me? Don’t leave her side, don’t let her get up and do too much, and make sure she is always cuddled.” He looks back at you. “Until I get home and can cuddle her all night.” You smile. “I don’t know, Joonie....” you tease. “Waddles might be a better cuddler than you.” “All due respect to Waddles,” he says, leaning in again, “But no one’s better at snuggling my baby than me.” He kisses your lips softly, then pulls back and kisses your forehead. “Rest today, ok? Get some sleep, relax....I’ll be home as soon as possible, I promise.” Already missing him, you reach for his hand and nod. “Don’t worry---Waddles will keep me company until you get home. Work hard today, okay? I love you.” He squeezes your fingers. “Love you too, babe. I’ll text you in an hour.” With a final smile, he leaves, and you cuddle Waddles the Penguin once again.

---

When there’s no text at exactly 5pm, you feel only surprise---starting at 8am, Namjoon had texted you on the hour, every hour, making sure you were taking care of yourself, that you were resting, that you had taken your medicine, that you were okay. At 5:05pm, you start wondering what he’s working on, hoping it’s something good. At 5:10 you can’t help but feel a little worried. So when the apartment door slams open at 5:15pm, at least one of your questions is answered. Settling back against the pillows, you listen to him take off his shoes, lock the door, and hurry down the hallway. “Hi babe,” he says breathlessly. “You okay?” “Joon.” You look at the clock. “You’re early!” Most days you wouldn’t see him home until at least 10pm, sometimes later when he’s super busy, but before 6pm? It was almost unheard of. “Is everything okay?” “Are you okay?” he asks again, and for the first time you notice that he’s carrying something big, soft, and plushy under one arm. “Yes,” you say, brushing it aside. “I mean, I still can’t get rid of this head-cold, but I’m fine. Are you okay?” He comes closer, settling a plastic bag at the foot of your bed before coming to kiss you. “Yes, I’m just fine. Worried about you,” he admits, pressing his cheek against your forehead. “Your fever’s still there...” “I’ll be okay.” You reach up to kiss his cheek, then look pointedly at the thing under his arm. “What’s that?” Smiling a little shyly, he produces a stuffed otter, holding it up for your inspection. “I thought you and Waddles could use another friend. Another sick-day-cuddle-buddy.” “Oh!” You reach out for the otter, feeling like your face would crack from how big you were smiling. “This is so cute! Babe! I love it!” He’s smiling, clearly pleased with your reaction. “Are you going to name it, too?” “It?” you scoff. “She is clearly a she otter.” You bring the otter up to “kiss” his cheek. “I think her name is Eleanor.” He doesn’t question it. “Don’t get the wrong idea,” he warns the otter. “I’m here for one girl and one girl only.” Grinning, you reach up to fix a strand of his hair. “Oh? Would that be me?” “You know it, babe.” He kisses your forehead. “So I think it’s time for you to prove your superior cuddling skills,” you say with a smile. “Otherwise, Waddles might just edge ahead...” He groans. “Hold on just a second longer,” he begs with a smile. “First...” He reaches for the plastic bag and produces another box of tissues, the fancy kind that costs extra, the kind you had promised him you didn’t need, the kind he insisted on buying more of, because “only the best for my babygirl.” Making a face, you take the box. “Thank you,” you say, meeting his eye playfully. “I also got this.” He produces another bottle of herbal medicine. “One of the guys at work said that it works better than any over-the-counter drug you can find.” “Oh?” You study the bottle and sniffle. “I guess I’ll try anything.” The light-hearted atmosphere fades at your sore voice and he softly brushes your hair out of your face. “I’m sorry you still don’t feel good, love. Maybe tomorrow we should go see the doctor again?” You shake your head. “No, it’s just a head-cold. I’ll be fine soon.” You smile up at him. “Can we snuggle now?” Some of his seriousness fades. “Of course. Are you hungry? I was thinking about making soup...” After dinner, he coaxes you into a warm shower that leaves you feeling a little better, then the two of you climb into bed for an early night. He wraps his arms around you and you rest your head on his chest while he rubs your back softly. It isn’t very long before you start to feel drowsy, a result of the combined influence of the medication and how comfortable you feel with him near. As you let your eyes close, you murmur, “Okay...for right now, you still beat Waddles.” You can feel his laugh vibrate through his body. “Thank goodness,” he says, kissing the top of your head. “I was really worried about that one.”

---

The next day, 30 minutes after your 10am check-in text from Namjoon, you get another text---this time from Seokjin: Are you still sick??? Swallowing back another cough, you answer: Yes. I can’t get rid of this head-cold. JIN: We need to get you better---NOW. You: I agree, but why the urgency? JIN: Namjoon is basically useless today. He’s worrying so much that he’s not getting anything done. You frown, re-reading his message a few times to make sure you understood it correctly. Really? I’m sorry... His answer comes quickly: I’m only teasing, don’t feel sorry. We really do all want you to be better, but we’re also considering sending him home early today... You only feel a tiny bit guilty for how much you want that to happen. I’m sure I’ll be better by tomorrow!! JIN: I hope so! Anyway, I’m going to send him home at lunch. Ok? You: Definitely okay. JIN: <3<3<3 It’s 12:32pm when you hear the door to the apartment swing open again. Sitting up, you wait for him eagerly. When he appears in the doorway, he has another stuffed thing under arm and another bag of medicine for you to try. “Hey babe. How are you feeling?” “I’m okay, Joonie. I hear you got kicked out of work?” you tease. He sighs and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. “I don’t blame them, but I’m also not really sorry...” He strokes the side of your face softly. “All I can think about is you.” “Namjoon,” you sigh, reaching up to catch his hand. “It’s not like I’ve got the plague. It’s just a cold. I’m okay. I promise.” “I know, I know.” Looking to change the topic, your gaze goes to the plushy under his arm. “Is that another stuffed animal?” The smile crosses his face automatically. “Maybe...” You laugh. “Am I going to get a stuffed animal every day I’m sick??” “Maybe. Is that a problem?” “Not at all.” Giving you a look, he produces the newest member of your cuddle-buddy-family. “Is that...” You study it for a moment. “Is that a platypus??” “Yep.” He looks pleased with himself again. You laugh so hard you give yourself a cough-attack, but when you finally calm down, you lean forward and kiss him quickly. “I love it. I love it so much.” You hug the platypus to your chest, grinning from ear-to-ear. “But you know, the problem is that I might never want to get better,” you add faux-seriously. “If I get a new plushy everyday I’m sick....” A flicker of concern crosses his face and he gently strokes his thumb across your cheek. “Babe, I promise you: if you get better, I’ll buy you as many plushies as you want.” Catching his worried tone, you turn your smile on him. “Sounds good,” you say, squeezing his leg to pull him out of his thoughts. “So...” he says after a moment. “What’s this one’s name? Something strange? A little edgy?” “Like what?” “I don’t know,” he laughs. “Zanzibar or Bibble or something?” You laugh with him. “Bibble?” You cough a few more times, then shake your head seriously. “Nope. I have the perfect name for him.” “Oh?” “Bill.” This catches him so off-guard that his laugh is bright and wild. “Bill,” he repeats. “Okay. I can handle that.” “You sure?” you ask, clearing your throat. “Oh yeah. Bill isn’t as much a threat as Waddles.” You snuggle your face against the soft “fur” of the platypus. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that...” He smiles at you fondly. “Well, unfortunately for both Waddles and Bill, I have nothing to do but cuddle for the rest of the day.” You grin. “While Waddles and Bill aren’t thrilled to hear that, I most definitely am.” Climbing onto the bed, he gathers you into his arms, “accidentally” squishing Bill a little in the process. Happily surrounded by him, you kiss his chin. “I love you, Namjoon. I promise I’ll be better tomorrow.” “Love you more, babe,” he says, pressing a few soft kisses over your face. “I just want you to feel better. Don’t worry about anything else.” Twisting a little in his arms, you gather your three stuffed animal friends and tuck them around the both of you. “There,” you say playfully. “Everyone’s settled. Now I have no excuse not to get better, right??” Hugging you tight to him, he nods against your hair. “That’s right. Between me, Waddles, Eleanor, and Bill, you’re definitely going to feel better soon.”

#bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts clean imagines #bts #non-smut #bts fluffy imagines #fluffy #bts imagine namjoon #namjoon #RM

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years

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01/03/2021 DAB Transcript

Genesis 5:1-7:24, Matthew 3:7-4:11, Psalms 3:1-8, Proverbs 1:10-19

Today is January 3rd welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it is a joy and an honor to be here with you as we greet a brand-new week and step into it together. This will…well…this is the beginning of the first full week of this brand-new year that we are in. So, we’re kinda…other than New Year's Day we’re kinda crossing into a new threshold. And it's interesting, day by day step-by-step as we move through the Bible and this becomes the rhythm of our lives we look for these marks in time. We begin to realize that there's a rhythm to the year, a rhythm to our lives, a rhythm to the seasons and we are constantly reminded that we can start over. So, here we are beginning our first full week of the Bible, which means we will…we’ll read from a new translation. This week we’ll read from the Christian Standard Bible. I should probably explain that. We change translations each beginning of each new week as we move through the Scriptures. And, you know, if you’ve been around the Bible you might have a favorite translation or you may like an older translation or there may be a favorite one because you believe it's more accurate. But here’s the thing. The Bible was written in Hebrew, it was written in Greek, and some…some parts of it were written in Aramaic. So, those would be the native tongues, the native languages that these texts originally found themselves in in their originals. But if you speak more than one language, you know, like how you would communicate something in one language may not be how you would communicate it in another. And you may have one word and one language that has a smaller vocabulary that could have many different kinds of corollaries in a language that it's being interpreted into or brought into. Therefore, any Bible that we read in English is therefore an interpretation on the original language. And Bible scholars and linguists and historians, like entire teams of people over thousands of years, for that matter, have done this work, teams of people trying to get it exactly right, which brings up all kinds of different interpretation, problems. Like maybe something is said in one language and if you interpret that as closely as possible, word for word you could read it and it wouldn't make sense, or it…the…the language is incorrect. It doesn't read in the new language the way that it does in the old language. So, then you have to rearrange the words so that it reads with like appropriate English. Or sometimes there’s a concept and that concept doesn't really work in the new language of the culture and the language doesn't really have room or doesn't make any sense. So, then you have to wrestle through, like this is the concept…like this is what's being communicated, but what is the best way to say that accurately in this new language, like English for example. And, so, some translation teams are trying to word for word very very meticulously try to get this right. Other teams would look at…at the overarching themes - like what is being said here, how do you say that in English? So, rather than us just going, “well, this is where we’re going to plant our flag, the English has the most translations of any other language available, the most scholarship, the most teams that have worked over decades and centuries. Why not take advantage of all of it and bring the most comprehensive context that we can to our journey? And, so, that's why we do what we do in rotating each week and just picking up where we left off. It’s not like we’re reading one book from this translation and this book from the next. It's…it’s just part of the flow each week. We pick up right where we left off. We already know the story that we’re in and we just pick it up in another translation. And, so, this week will read from the Christian Standard Bible and pick up where we left off yesterday. Genesis chapters 5, 6, and 7.

Introduction to the book of Psalms:

Okay. So, we’re at our Psalms portion of our reading today. And this is all part of this kind of moving in, moving into this year, finding our rhythm, unpacking our stuff, getting settled. And since we began January 1st with four new books, rather than making that superlong when there's so much other ground to cover we’re just kinda taking the first four days to move into the books that we are reading. So, January 1st we talked about Genesis yesterday we talked about Matthew. So, let's talk about, Psalms. Psalms or the Hebrew word Tehillim means praises. And what we find in the Psalms is a collection of 150 songs and hymns and congregational singing's and individual poems of worship and call and response liturgical worship. It's…it’s basically five books in one. And we know this because like when we come to the different sections of Psalms it tells us, this is book 1, this is book 2. And they…they're basically classified by who wrote them or they’re classified by theme or their purpose, their use. And some of them praise God and speak words of praise, others speak about God, His character or His might or His actions. Some of these psalms are very sad, like really really bring out, give language to lament, regret, repentance, and there are others that are songs of thanksgiving. So, these…this collection of beautiful poetry and songs and worship are definitely meant…meant to lead people in the worship of God but in all different aspects - praise, giving glory, adoration, reverence, honor, any circumstance of life - because that's what we'll see kind of being baked into this ancient culture that will form right before our eyes in the Old Testament, that everything, everything they do, everything they say, every motivation of their heart is to turn them back to God reminding them of who they are and who God is and where they're going. And, so, Psalms is this beautiful book containing some of the most beautiful literature ever written in humanity. And a primary composer of many of the Psalms is an ancient king of Israel. His name is David. And we have certainly not gotten to know David and it will be a little while before we are introduced to David, but once we get there, we will get to know David well. There's just a lot of material in the Bible about David's life. And we learn an awful lot about ourselves in David's life, but we haven't met him yet. And we do meet him in the Scriptures we’ll be, you know, we’ll be being told the story of his life. But in the Psalms, we really get to know the heart of this king, this musician that loved to communicate through music and poetry. And then other writers of the Psalms would be David's son Solomon who we’ll also get to know in detail. Then there are the sons of Korah and there is a man named Asaph and Ethan and then there are several of the Psalms that…they’re anonymous, the…the author is unknown. But the purpose of the Psalms is to bring the people together, bring them together in worship to the God of Israel, to their God as they came together formally and congregationally but also as they would go home and sing these songs as it would be a part of their daily life. And that's still a tradition until this very day. And, so, today, Psalms 3.

Prayer:

Father we thank You for Your word and we thank You for bringing us into this brand-new week. Right here at the beginning of this brand-new year all things are new, and all things are waiting for us to live into them. And we acknowledge here as we will so many times when we mark time, it's all in front of us. It has not yet happened. How we choose the choices that we make are going to write the story of our future. And we get to choose. And we are grateful for Your word to inform our choices and challenge our motivations before they turn into destructive actions. So, here we are beginning of a new week. We humble ourselves before You and ask, Holy Spirit come, lead us into all truth we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is the website, and it’s where you find what's going on around here. So, yeah…I mean…I say this most every day, but it is where you find out what’s going on around here. It’s how you stay connected. Reminding you of the other programs - Daily Audio Bible Kids. I talked about that yesterday. We launched that with Ezekiel on the 1st. So, if you have kids this is a great resource for going through the New Testament together with your children. There’s Daily Audio Bible chronological, which my wife leads that team, leads that effort going through the Bible chronologically. And she…she took over from our daughter China who is taking this year to become a mother and prepare for that. So, Jill is in the driver's seat in the Chronological community. And it is in good hands with her. So, check that out. Check out the Daily Audio Bible Proverb. That moves us through the Proverbs, the entire book of Proverbs in a month. Takes about five minutes a day. And you can also check out the Daily Audio Bible Psalm which is about two minutes a day. And that just kind of keeps us rooted. It’s like we have the Daily Audio Bible, and then we have these little vitamins along the way, we can…little resources that we can tune into just pour the Scriptures and wisdom into our lives. So, check that out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link on the homepage. I thank you profoundly and humbly for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, it's the little red button up at the top that looks like a hotline button. So, just you can’t miss that. And just press that and share from wherever you are in the world, or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

This is Candace from Oregon please pray along with me. Lord thank you for this place where we can gather together in prayer. There are heroes among us, the nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, physical therapists across the nation and the world who are dealing with heavy heavy pressures and many deaths to Covid. We pray Lord that you will protect and guard them, strengthen them, strengthen them emotionally, give them extra, extra help with their families, with their…with their…all of their other concerns as well. Surround them Lord, renew them, protect them from trauma themselves. Protect them especially of course from the Covid virus. Lord, I pray that this virus will back off very, very soon and that the vaccine efforts will go exceedingly well. Thank you, Lord for everything that you’re doing. In Jesus’ name we pray.

Hello, I’m calling from Arizona and I’m a long-time listener but this is my first time ever calling in and today I just feel very compelled, very overwhelmed. Like I know that I am just having a bad day doesn’t mean that I’m having a bad life. I just feel like I never ask for help and am always trying to keep it together, but I can’t always be strong. And sometimes I just feel like I just need somebody to just lift me up. And, so, that’s why I’m here to ask for prayer is. Please just lift me up and help me to keep walking. I just feel scared and overwhelmed and I’m just tired. I can’t always be strong. Thank you in advance for your prayers in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Happy New Year’s Eve family it’s Carla Jean from Nevada. I don’t know about the rest of you but when Brian says “this concludes the Bible for this year”. I cry every single year. I don’t know why. I just think it’s…I don’t know…I’m just so thankful for all of you. You are such a blessing. And Brian when you say that blessing over each of us on New Year’s Eve, I receive it. I receive it for myself and I receive it for all my brothers and sisters here. Thank you for being such a great pastor to us and shepherding us well. I think of the Daily Audio Bible as manna. It’s…every day it feeds me and I’m just so thankful for this family. Add welcome to the family, all of our new brothers and sisters that are joining us for 2021. You will not be disappointed. Please join us on social media, on the Facebook group so that we can get to know you better. My goal for this year is to call in and pray for you more. You guys know the year I’ve had, and you have lifted me in prayer and I…I pray back for all of you but I want you to know that I am praying. So, I’m gonna call in more and pray more. I love you all. I encourage everybody to donate to the Daily Audio Bible because we are being fed and this ministry must continue forever. I love you all and Happy New Year.

Hello DABs, hi Brian, my name is Karen Bentley-Green and I’m in New York. So, I started listening to DAB back in January of this year and O my gosh it has been such a wonderful experience. It has been such a journey. Thank you for inviting me to your campsite. It has been such an awesome experience just being able to go through the Bible with you. You have such inspiration. You have such wisdom, and you are not afraid to impart it. And for that my friend I say thank you. And for that my friend I say God bless you. My prayer is that God will continue to bestow wisdom upon you, to continue to pour fresh anointing, pour fresh oil upon you because this assignment, it’s…I know it’s not easy because I started, and I fell away many a times while I was doing this with you. So, I know it cannot be easy. But your tenacity and your faithfulness O my God…I so…I am so honored to be a part of this. I bless God for you and I thank God for you and I pray that He will bless you, bless your ministry, bless your family and everything that you put your hands to. I am so happy to have completed the Bible with you. Thank you so much. And for those who have fallen by the wayside. Hey, pick it up back again to just continue because at the end of the day you will finish, right? And finish strong to. So, everyone a happy new year a prosperous new year. God bless everyone and I’m looking forward to DAB next year. Thank you, Brian. God bless.

Happy new year DABbers and Brian along with your family. This is the Cross Carrier from the Bay Area. I’m a first-time caller but a long time listener. Has to have been over a decade since I’ve been listening to the DAB. Yeah, I might not call but I do give those silent prayers to everyone…for everyone that call in. I hear your word and am praying for you. Right now, I’m praying that you pray for me. This is my resolution, to call in because things aren’t working the right way. You know, I need help for my brothers and sisters through Christ to pray for me to get through alcoholism, cigarette smoking, pornography, you name it. I just want to get on a narrow path and do things right the way that God wants me to do. I…you know I tried everything else and it’s not working. And you know I can’t just continue this way trying to insert the Lord and to things like that afterwards. It just don’t mix. 2021 it got to be a change. Covid 19 has to go away and all of these things that I do has to go away as well. God bless you all. Happy new year. And I will be calling a lot more now.

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bma-2020 · 5 years

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Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

#out.#illness cw #health cw #food mention #ive been writing this since noon and its now two pm so this is great #i’s usually put this under a read more but... maybe most people dont deserve a read more rn lol #their behavior will keep being awful if its not pointed out to them so #im done im gonna go welt up from hugging my cat and cry for a bit because i feel mean

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letsdiscoverkitty · 5 years

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Thursday 16th May 2019: Review Update Major Trigger Warning

I realise that an update is well overdue and I can only apologise for that. I am putting a trigger warning on this post because although I know such warnings tend to get ignored, I think it would be unfair of me not to mention that this could be a triggering post. I will *try* to keep it short but we all know that I usually end up rambling. I also apologise for the state of this post, I am utterly exhausted and my head isn’t really in the best of places after such an intense and long day....

The review was just me, my consultant and EDP (mum joined us later on)

The team are apparently v concerned about me and don’t think that I am going to be able to turn things around in the community.

They said that from my past it does show that I work better as an OP and that I can make changes in the community, however they are worried because my weight is now the lowest it has ever been and I have been “floating/floundering” for months now and they can’t let this slow decline continue. She asked how I felt about it and idk, its messy/hard to explain but I understand where they are coming from.

There is extra concern around my weight as it is in ‘dangerous’ place and puts me at risk of refeeding syndrome even though my intake does not. Therefore I am being prescribed refeeding medications again (Thiamine and Vitamin B) and they want to put me back onto weekly bloods, especially to monitor my phosphate. Fortisip wise I have been told that they are a ‘backup’ in case I miss a meal or snack but not as an addition.

My consultant asked me “so, tell me, what’s been going on?” and to be totally honest with you, I have no idea and my mind went blank. I’m just floating, getting through each day, holding on...She said that this is the starvation syndrome, which is leaving me thinking about food 24/7, my body on high alert for any threat, as well as being unable to see beyond what is right in front of my eyes (amongst other things)

What followed was a lengthy discussion about admissions and all that kind of stuff, which concluded with three possible roads from here...

Option 1. A planned admission to Hayes Grove with clear goals, bespoke tailored for me, for about 6-8 weeks to then enable me to transition home and continue as an OP. This is what my consultant was trying to push for as she is the consultant at HG, but she respected that I need time and space to think about it. I have, at least, agreed to go up to the unit and meet with the team early next month for a ‘pre admission assessment’ to get an idea of what an admission could be like for me. (it was going to be next week but they couldn’t find dates that worked)

Option 2. If I continue to deteriorate/can’t stabalise or improve, then they are going to go down the route of any bed...this could be a medical bed or a SEDU anywhere in the country, no choices. Referrals are being sent out today to begin the process and make units aware of me/my situation. sigh.

Option 3. That this discussion and meeting, with the prospect of an admission, helps me to “get my arse in gear” and increase my meal plan as an OP and continue at home with the support of the team.

I had quite the reality checks today, especially from my consultant (which I was not expecting). Anorexia often convinces me that I am not “that bad”, but today I was told the very stark truth and reality of where I am at with no way of worming around it and let me tell you, that is HARD to hear.

Once again I was told that I am an “interesting case” and that my intake does not line up with where my weight is at...(yay for being told that I am eating too much. thanks.lol.)

Okay moving on: In terms of where do I go from here...idk. My mind has been on overdrive since and I haven’t really been able to take any of it in. I would love to make it work as an OP and make changes at home but I cant keep going around in these same cycles/be left like this, I just can’t. It’s truly horrible. My consultant reiterated that they are not going to let me starve to death and they will intervene if they get any more concerned about my physical health and admit me to a medical bed...again, this is something that is NOT easy to hear let alone accept.

Yet again I was told that I am “a very bright girl who knows all the ins and outs and has been through nutritional refeeding before”. The struggle right now is the permission side of things, everything gets put off as there has been no outlook/motivation/goals and I have found it increasingly difficult to accept the things I know for myself. This was mentioned and we did talk briefly about it, with my consultant saying that if I can make changes in the community then I need to be really careful in terms of RFS and that the safest way is going to be going down the route of dairy increases and not too fast as it could shock my body and cause a hell of a lot of damage. (hence them wanting to do weekly bloods for now in order to keep a close eye on things)

As I said, mum was in for the last bit, and after all the discussions and dictations for letters were finished she asked about what the plan from now until the meeting in June is...and basically they are going to continue to monitor me closely, see what happens, try to nudge me in the right direction and that if she has any concerns about my physical health or things get worse then she is to either take me to A&E or call an ambulance (which is vvv over the top imo). wow what a way to end the meeting. “Thank you”

After the meeting mum and I went for coffee and god I am so glad that she could be there today/I let her come, even if both my consultant and EDP pretty much ignored her. This is so hard to write but mum is not taking things well that all. She has not been sleeping much again out of worry/concern and said that over the past 2 weeks something has really scared her and she is terrified for me/my life...we chatted for a while in Costa before she had to head back to work and gosh was it hard to hear such things, but it was good to be on the same page a little more.

Sadly once I arrived home earlier this afternoon, it was to find that mum had been sent home and told not to come back to work until at least Monday :( Her boss had emailed to see how she was as she knew she had the morning off to come to my review, and after mum replied she had a phone call from her boss and pretty much crumbled into pieces there and then. I can’t even....I have no words...I feel utterly terrible for putting this on my parents yet again and for putting them through so much, and causing so much pain and hurt - it genuinely hurts my heart. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for them. Mum has been signed off from work in the past (twice I think) because she isn’t coping and I know it is because she cares so deeply about me but wow it is really really hard to have to go through for us all - I suppose it is a very very big reality check/shock as to just how bad things are... As for dad, he is the classic head in sand but I know it isn’t because he doesn’t care, it’s because he does not do emotions/feelings.

Anyway, I’m not even sure how I feel right now. I know I should feel something but if I am totally honest with you I feel nothing. I am utterly numb to it all. Empty. It’s like there is this huge void. My mind is either a neverending whirlwind or unable to even think of a word. I honestly don’t know where I am going/what is going to happen and that is terrifying. Really terrifying. I am sorry that this update is not positive in any way/shape/form but I know that I owe it to you all, all those who have stuck by me for so long, to keep you in the loop. Im not sure how active I will be over the coming weeks but I will make sure to keep checking in as and when I can. Thank you for all the kind messages of support that have been sent my way recently, I know I am terrible at replying at the moment but each message genuinely means the world to me and I can’t thank you enough x

#personal #update #trigger warning #TW #please do not read if you are in a vulnerable place #well this was longer than I thought it would be as always #im so sorry #im sorry for letting you all down

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 5 years

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CSUAVS prt 38 update. I got myself confused

Lance wasn't doing ok. Physically he was getting better, but as the infection in his chest cleared, surgery loomed around the corner. The procedure wouldn't be performed on the Atlas, but instead on New Altea. Lance didn't want to leave so many things unanswered. He didn't want to be pushed aside and disregarded, which was exactly what felt like was happening. Keith was his main line with the outside world. Shiro dropped by from time to time, sometimes Curtis was with him and sometimes he was. Hunk had come by twice but was acting distant, unable to meet his eyes despite the fact he'd nearly crushed him in a hug as he cried his eyes out over being so worried about him. Shay had shyly come to enquire about his health and wish him well. Krolia had thanked him for his service and thanked him for getting Keith back home in one piece. Even Zak had ventured up to tell him he was an "idiot", but "an idiot that had done a good job". He knew Acxa and Keith's team had come by when he'd been napping, catching the tail end of the four of them talking outside the door... So he didn't know why he felt so hollow inside. Actually. He did. His fight with Veronica. His sister angered that he'd taken such measures without thinking of their family, and without consulting her about it. He couldn't admit the truth of what happened with Klearo to her. He couldn't admit that he'd fucked up from the very beginning then was tricked by someone who he looked up to. Veronica had basically insinuated that he was a burden, who didn't know what he was doing and should have stayed on Earth. She didn't get it. She didn't get to him that being a "burden" was his greatest fear. She didn't get that his drug and alcohol abuse had steadily grown worse, or understand the way he wrecked their family with his mere presence. Keith tried his hardest to help him through his moods and panic attacks, but he felt like he was shackling Keith down with his depression. Keith who still treated him like he was the most treasured person in existence. Keith who said they'd work things out... then left things in the air. It wasn't like he wanted to talk to the ship's councillor... but when they didn't come by his room, he had to wonder if Keith wasn't secretly enjoying him being so messed. The disgusting thought left him unable to look his boyfriend's way for vargas, ultimately serving to hurt Keith when he hadn't done anything wrong. Which he wasn't. Shiro's actions had told him that. No. It wasn't fair to blame Shiro. Keith had desperately needed the healing pod, and Lance couldn't be more relieved that his boyfriend had been healed. He just... felt... insignificant. No matter how he sat or laid, some part of his body hurt. He missed eating real food, being stuck on a liquid diet until after the surgery. He missed being able to move around, and shower unaided. Keith had been granted permission to help him shower. Each of the sticky sensor pads had left bruised behind after pealed off his tender skin. He was losing weight again, and losing his drive. He wasn't ok, and was only getting worse as he was kept waiting, unable to feel like he was being punished for getting Keith in harms way, by not being healed. He got that the Atlas couldn't leave it's orbit over the Altean ship while the investigation was on going, but didn't get why Shiro didn't open a wormhole to New Altea so that he could be put in a pod. Being comatose for a phoeb or three sounded ideal when compared to sitting in a very uncomfortable hospital bed, or trapped in his nightmares all night long thanks to the sedatives Daehra had prescribed to help him sleep through his nightly coughing fits. Lance didn't want to take more drugs. The more he craved them, the more he tried to push them away. He knew it was dangerous to fall back into his bad habits, but these new ones were working for him. They weren't filling up that hole in his heart from being unwanted, or easing the guilt he felt from relying on Keith. Quintant after quintant he was left laying there as it blurred together. To him it was like being left that cell all over again. He was constantly waiting to wake up and find himself being dragged out to Klearo's bed. Or to wake up and find himself still in the outpost, with Keith having been stolen away and cut to pieces. He wasn't stupid. He knew there had to be a network of connections when it came to Kre'el. She was just one woman... A woman he wanted answers from. A woman who'd lied to him so seamlessly and easily that the thought of her made him feel physically ill. None of these symptoms were going to clear before he was forced off the Atlas. Shiro probably didn't want him to ever return. He probably didn't want him anywhere near his team, and it didn't matter how illogical the arguments were for why that was so, his anxieties had him wrapped around their little finger. Shiro wouldn't haven't jumped in to help him, had it been him alone. He knew it. Like really knew it. The voice in his head whispered it over and over, never a kind word directed his way. He was his own worst enemy. With each quintant that passed, he was sure he was moving that much closer to insanity... Sure he was slipping away from the most wonderful boyfriend a guy could ask for. He didn't want to tie Keith down with his mental health issues. He didn't want to keep having panic attacks out of nowhere, and dreams he couldn't wake from. He wanted to be strong for Keith, but had no idea where to begin. * With his arms loaded up with bedding from the Telula and a treat from Hunk, Keith was running late. Daehra was on "Lance Duty" for the morning, his panic attacks so bad that Keith didn't want him left alone. He honestly feared for Lance hurting himself without realising he'd done it, or even worse, being caught up in a flashback and lashing out against someone he loved. Neither of them were really happy about Lance being transferred off the Atlas and out to New Altean, without answers. Lance was going through so much and taking him away without giving him answers was cruel as hell. His boyfriend wasn't reacting well to the news, hence why he'd dropped down to the kitchen to see if Hunk had something chocolaty to lift his spirits, then it was down to the Telula to get Lance a nicer blanket than the one on his hospital bed, back up to the kitchen to collect two chocolate milkshakes that looked like everything Lance wasn't supposed to be having. Lance's was packed with extra vitamins and minerals, but Keith had forgotten which one was which. His mind too busy. With Daehra and Lucteal, who was acting like Lance's personal bodyguard and limiting access to Lance's room, he knew he had the time to rustle up his surprise after a quick check up to make sure his ankle was healed properly... only for Shiro to corner him just short of his end goal. The expression his brother wore could only mean trouble... Opening the door to the room beside him, Shiro had planned to ambush him. The conveniently empty room said as much. Taking the milkshakes out of his hands, Shiro placed them down on the desk by the door, before crossing his arms and giving him his best "dad" look "Something you want to tell me?" "Uh? I was grabbing a blanket for Lance..." "Not about that. Well, about Lance, but something a little more pressing" "Not that I can think of..." Keith was confused. Shiro had that calm anger thing going on, like he was ready to snap, or turn on that disappointed tone. Personally Keith would prefer the violence, but knew Shiro would opt for disappointment because it hurt more. Reaching into his pocket, Shiro pulled out a small vial of shimmering red liquid. Keith's shock was written all over his face as he stared at the vial. Daehra wasn't stupid enough to just leave one laying around... and he had no idea how he was about to talk his way out of this. Opening his mouth, he made a weird kind of squeak before getting the words out "How did you get that?" "When Lance kept refusing painkillers, I watched over the camera footage from his room, and what do I see? I see Daehra injecting this into Lance's IV daily. I've had it analysed Keith" This wasn't his secret to be telling... Shiro had no right putting him in this position "Do you want me to tell you what I found? Or should I have you tell me what I found?" "I... ugh..." "You what Keith? Do you know how dangerous this is! You've known about this for phoebs, haven't you!?" Keith wasn't sure how Shiro pulled off apocalyptic rage that sounded do disappointed. Shaking, he nearly dropped the blankets "What were you thinking?" "Lance..." "Lance what? Didn't want me to know? You should have known better. I told you how dangerous this stuff is. If he has a drug problem, you should have told me immediately. Do you know how dangerous this is? How addictive this is? Do you understand what kind of a situation you've put me in?" Tears rolled down Keith's face and dripped onto the blankets, unable to meet Shiro's eyes "Well, do you?" "Sh-Shiro... it's not what you think" "What I think is that Lance has a drug problem you've neglected to inform me of. Do you have any idea what kind of complications that this could have caused during his surgery?" "You don't understand..." "Then tell me!" It'd been years since Keith had felt the fear that had his heart racing and his stomach flipping. The fear that came from parents or parental figures... dropping to squat, he buried his face in Lance's blanket, breathing in his scent as he tried to calm down "Then I'll go ask him..." "No!" "Then start talking. Does Coran know? Is this the secret you've all been hiding from me?" Keith shook his head. Yes, it was a secret, but not that one "You don't understand... what he's been through" "What's that supposed to mean?" "I can't... Shiro... it's not my secret to tell" "I'm sick of hearing that. This stuff could kill him. Is that what you want? Lance dead?" Falling back onto his arse, Keith shook his head "He could have died on the operating table" "Shut up!" "Keith, tell me what's going on!" "They got him addicted to it! They kept him drugged up while they tortured him! We... he... we left him alone... he was doing everything he could to forget... we've been... working on... bringing him off of the drugs. He's been making progress... then this happened. He doesn't want to be dependant on them. He doesn't want to..." Breaking down into sobs, Keith felt awful. Another precious secret gone up in flames because of him. Gulping for air, Keith hugged the blanket tighter as he rocked "We were working on this... he was getting better... you had no right..." "Keith..." "No! Don't you dare! Don't you dare... He's my husband, of course I knew about it. Of course I was helping him with. Of course he was trying to get past it... You have no idea how bad Earth was for him. He feels like he broke his whole fucking family... They kept him on this stuff... and... he doesn't want to be... he doesn't want to take them... that's why he wouldn't take more medication. He knows he has a problem, but you can't even trust him! You couldn't trust that Daehra understood. She didn't know how bad those injections were... not until... until after... I came. He couldn't cope, Shiro. He felt like none of us wanted him... he still doesn't feel wanted. This was his case and you're sending him away with no answers. He was working hard out here... only to be betrayed" Angered, Keith didn't realise the slip of his tongue calling Lance his "husband". He couldn't stop crying "I don't want him to die... I don't want him to die... he's my whole fucking world... Coran... we... would have talked to him... not where you could find out. All he's wanted is your respect. He... can't see how amazing he is... because he feels so inferior to everyone..." Keith hiccuped "He's falling apart because of this... you don't know what it's been like for him..." "Lance could have reached out for help at any time" "No..." "Yes. He knows we would be there" "No he didn't!" "Keith, you need to calm down for me" "How can I do that!? You just accused me of wanting him dead!" "I..." Keith knew Shiro pushed because he worried for the pair of them, but that didn't mean anything. He'd well and truly crossed a line "I'm sorry. But you can understand how much of a shock this has been" "It wouldn't have been a shock if you could just trust people..." "He has a drug problem" "And we were dealing with it" "What if something had happened?" "Like what?" "Like he hurt someone when he was high" "It doesn't work like that. Lance doesn't get violent without a good reason" "Are you saying that as his partner or as his friend?" "Both. He's in so much pain all the time... we've been working so hard to get though things" "And that fight you had, where he left, was that to do with this?" Keith shook his head "That's between Lance and Krolia. As far as I know, she and he have talked" "You've still left me in a tough position" "It doesn't have to be. You're sending him away anyway..." "I'm not sending him away. I'm transferring him so he could have surgery and finally go into a pod" "Something you couldn't have done sooner? You couldn't have shipped Kre'el off to Altea?" "No. You know that as well as I do" "It feels like according to you, I know nothing. It's not my first time around drugs, Shiro. You know what those homes were like. You know you can't do jack shit to help anyone who doesn't want help. He asked for help" Sighing, Shiro moved to squat down across him "You know I care about both of you. I'm just shocked that you didn't come to someone who was more experienced to get advice and help for him" "I talked to you. I talked to Coran. I talked to Krolia. I even talked to Lance's mum. But none of you could tell me what I needed to know. How could I betray his trust like that? He needs safety and stability. He needed to get his feet back under him" "I'm proud of you for trying to help him, but you're not trained in these kinds of things. Frankly I don't know if I can continue to let Daehra treat him when she's been giving him such a dangerous substance. I love you both, and all I want is the best for Lance, but you understand that these secrets aren't helping him, or helping me to figure out how to help him" "Shiro... please..." "We're both going to have a little talk with Lance about this" "You can't" Keith's heart was breaking. Lance was going to be torn apart by this. He was already depressed as it was. The conversations they did have were never about what happened, Lance steering away from the topic every time they nudged it. If they weren't talking, Lance wanted to cuddle... but his husband would stay silent for vargas at an end. He'd been so focused on getting Lance through the surgery and then into some kind of counselling and help like he'd asked for that he hadn't foreseen this kind of a speed bump. Carrying the two milkshakes with shaky hands, Shiro had plucked the blanket out his hold as the pair walked into Lance's room. Lucteal had practically glared at Shiro, acting like he didn't want to allow them access to Lance's room. And quiznak if Keith wished he hadn't. Sitting up in his bed, Lance's face brightened up at the sight of him, before falling as Shiro followed into the space "Babe... have you been crying?" Stupid Lance, seeing right through him even when he was trying to hold it all. Shaking harder, Keith barely made it to Lance's left side, placing the milkshakes down on a rather expensive looking machine that was off "It's ok, babe. I'm ok. Daehra, can you give the three of us a little space?" "She should..." "Shiro, trust me on this. Daehra, it's ok. We just need to talk to Lance about something" Daehra's eyes flicked to the IV bag, her empathic senses probably knowing what this was about "Lucteal and I will be right outside" Nodding, Lance seemed to retreat further into himself "Why don't you two go rest? I have a feeling this isn't going to be all that fun, so I'm already scheduling my after scowling nap. I've already had it all from Veronica, so we might as well get Shiro off the list too" "Alright, I understand. Keith, you know what to monitor for?" Avoiding Lance's gaze, Keith jumped at Daehra's question "Uh... yeah. Go ahead" "Please do not upset him further. He has been through quite a lot. A lot of which you would not understand" There was no settling the silent thing going on between Daehra, Lucteal and Shiro. He'd hoped for Lance's sake the would have patched up their differences over the past three movements, but that remained a big fat nope. Leaving the room, the three of them were left with a few very pregnant moments silence passing between them. Keith couldn't take knowing what was coming. He'd very nearly avoided a panic of his own under Shiro's words. Lance seemed to know whatever was going on wasn't something he wanted to talk about, and Shiro... had flicked out the blanket and was now laying it over Lance's bed. Which was supposed to be his job. He didn't want Shiro's stupid scent on his boyfriend's sheets "What is this about? Can you just spit it out already? Did you get data off the ship from the samples? Is that it?" Lance let out a dry laughed before continuing "So what are you here to laugh at me about? The drugs or what Allura did to my body? Or is it the torture? I had the feeling they filmed it... Maybe... How I fucked up and nearly got Keith killed? There's few things that make Keith cry, and with how guilty he looks, it's not something small" Keith wanted to tell Lance to shut up. His tone hurt to hear, as did him exposing all his secrets to Shiro... He hadn't thought about the fact their sample data may still exist with the outpost being destroyed, but it made sense to him that the data would have been sent on before the scene of their crimes were erased. From how Kre'el opened a wormhole, their had to be a secondary location she'd had in mind. Pulling the vial from his pocket again, Shiro held it up for Lance to see "You told him?" There was that disappointment again... this time from Lance "Keith didn't tell me. When you refused pain medication, I examined the video from this room. For privacy I had the sound turned off, but for security I left the cameras on given the prisoners we have onboard from the ship and from the mining moon the ship crashed on" Lance let out a small "oh" as he nodded "So you know I'm a drug addict?" "Keith told me how it happened. That they drugged you during torture?" "Yep. Can't just quit the stuff because it'll shut down my body if I do" Keith shifted, he didn't want Lance to hate him. He knew Shiro was only being so hard because he cared, but... he didn't know what to do or say in this moment "Lance... I'm sorry this happened to you, but why didn't you tell any of us? We could have gotten you help sooner. This could have seriously complicated your surgery. We nearly lost you... we all nearly lost you" Crossing his arms, Lance huffed "Geez Shiro, why would any want to brag that they were addicted to drugs. That I needed them to get through the fucking day. Let me just casually drop that into a group call. Hey guys, guess what? I'm a fucking druggy who's fucked in the head. Even got that touch of brain damage to prove it. Yeah. Because it's that fucking easy when you were enjoying your lives without me. Also, I heard you. I heard you yelling at Keith. I think the whole fucking floor heard you yelling at him. If you've got a problem with me, then you talk to me. You don't sneak around stealing things from my ship, and you especially don't take it out on Keith when he has been trying his hardest to get me off them. I know you worry for him, but he's the same damn age as when you went missing off Pluto. I don't want you fighting or yelling because of some waste of space like I am" "Lance, that's not what I think at all..." "Babe, no. No, you're not a waste of space" Their words overlapped. Keith could understand Lance lashing out. A tiny bit maybe even pleased that his boyfriend had scolded Shiro for yelling at him "Lance, when I saw you on that ship, cradled in Coran's arms I realised how close we'd come to losing you. I couldn't pull Keith out the healing pod... and I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do now. I'm honestly scared for you. Scared that this could lead to you dying. And I'm scared of Keith being dragged into a situation like he did in those foster homes. There's safer ways to come off of the drugs. I know you rely on Keith, but I'm worried about the strain it'll cause on both of you" "Shiro, I'm not a kid. Not anymore. I appreciate that you came at Keith's message, and I appreciate what you've done for both of us. But this, isn't your problem. That's why you're not listed as my next of kin and Keith is in charge of my medical decisions. You should forget you saw this. It's being handled" Shiro was trying. Keith knew he was trying. He still held that anger from being kept out of the loop on this, but he was trying in his own way to make Lance see that he wanted to be there for him. Raising his head, he swallowed hard at the expression on Lance's face. It was getting too much for him "I can't forget something like this Lance. And pushing it aside isn't going to help. I care about you. Please rely on me. Please let me help you. I want to help you" "I know! You weren't supposed to know! We were working on it... weren't we?" Red-rimmed eyes looked to Keith for comfort. A hand shyly moving to pat the space next to him. Forcing himself forward, Keith climbed up into the bed, Lance curling into him as he held him tightly, nuzzling into the soft curve of the Cuban's neck as pained scent poured from his love. Shaking, his emotions were bubbling up, the dam breaking as he cried softly "We were, baby. We are. You've done so good. I'm so sorry... I didn't want... I didn't want to tell another secret" "No... shhh, I understand. I'm sorry... I'm not strong enough to..." "You are strong. So strong..." Shifting Lance's legs up and between his, Keith positioned Lance so he was leaning against his chest. The angle better for Lance's lungs "I want to die... I'm so tired... of being disappointment" "When we get to Altean, we're going to get some help. I'm not going anywhere" "It's so busy in my head... I crave it so badly..." "I know" Because he did. Lance didn't need to spend vargas explaining himself. He got it. He wasn't oblivious to the physical pain... but Lance was working so hard at being clean of everything he could be clean of. Working so hard not to keep falling apart and to find a way to keep breathing... despite what he might think or how he might act "I thought you forget... no... no one came to... to talk to me" "You thought I forgot you need help? I thought it might be easier on New Altea. Away from here" "I don't want to leave with everything how it is" "I know" "I don't know how long I'll be the in pod... I hate them. I hate them so much... I don't want to wake up. I don't want to... miss more time" "Babe, I'm not going anywhere. We're accidental married remember. I can't let someone swoop in and whoo my husband out from under me" Lance gave him a wet laugh that sounded like music to Keith's ears "Never. Never... no one but you" They'd forgotten they had an audience. Both of them crying softly as they nuzzled, seeking comfort from the person they loved the most. "I... should be going then... Lance, I want to help you. So think about it, please. Anything I can do... I respect you. And I respect what you went through. I know Daehra doesn't like me, but your team... you've got a pretty amazing team. You're a good leader. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to think I understood things better than you did. Especially out in this area of space. The work you did here, it made a real difference. And you should be proud of that. I'm sorry for ambushing you over this. We nearly lost you and I didn't want to lose you to something like this... something that I could be there for..." Sniffling and hiccuping, Lance was the kindest soul he knew. Touches had been setting him off, as had certain smells, but reaching out his busted arm, he bit his lip at pain as he waved Shiro into a hug. Shiro hugging into Keith more than Lance, most probably out of respect. Sniffling as his eyes grew wet, Shiro was just as bad as the two of them "So, accidental husband's?" Lance let out a laugh "We... didn't know we were getting married at the time. There was this alien princess who stood had us stand in this gold ring and drink this horrible wine stuff..." Kissing Lance's cheek, Keith nodded "It was Daehra's little sister Annla. We got married on their planet before we came back for Hunk and Shay's engagement party. We're still working us out... but yeah, accidentally married the best guy in the universe" "You mean the only guy who could love your mullet" "It's not a mullet" "You could grow it down to your arse and it'll always be a mullet" "That's it. If I stay with the pair of you any longer, I'm going to catch your idiocy. Lance... please, even if it's Coran. Let him in?" "Coran... knows most of it... not... not all of it... but he knows most of it" What Coran did know, Keith didn't. They'd talked before Lance had developed the secondary infection and a little after, privately "That's a really good start. I'm sorry I came down so hard on both of you. You're both like brothers to me" "Thank you, Shiro. And can you keep the whole marriage thing a secret? Hunk would kill me. He already tried to kick me out when Lance was having a panic attack" Lance didn't respond. Shiro didn't seem to notice as he detached from the hug and passed over the two very melted milkshakes. Giving Keith's shoulder on last pat, his brother left them. When the door to his room closed, Lance let out a groan "Babe?" "I fucking hate this" "What?" "He apologised and I know I should feel better or some shit, but I don't know how to feel. I've been so fucking mad at him. He said it was for security but I feel like it was because I'm such a fuck up... I don't even know if he would have come and got me... and... Kre'el... why not transfer her? How's their investigation going? Have they been to Erathus? I feel like... like he can't trust me with any of it... I have... so many... I didn't want to burden you... I..." Lance's breathing was becoming uneven. Rubbing his back with his free hand, Keith sighed softly "No, babe. No. I don't know what Shiro is doing, or why he's running things like that, but there's so many things happening at the moment. I don't doubt he cares for you" "It's... hard to let anyone else in. I feel so weak" "I promise you, secret husband of mine, you're strong as hell" "I take it you're the one who let it slip?" "I'm sorry. Shiro... he brought up some feelings I haven't really dealt with properly. From my time in the system... you know, that disappointed tone that only parents can give" "I'm so sorry, babe. I heard him... and I didn't understand it all. How did he even get the vial?" "I don't know. He shouldn't have called us out like that. It's none of his business" "He's your brother. He's worried for you. Especially after what you went through in the system. God. I wish I could back in time and met you sooner. I wish I hadn't picked so many fights with you... I hate that you went through that" "I hate that you're still suffering" "You're suffering too. I don't like bringing all these memories back for you either. Do you maybe want to tell me?" No. Hell no. Lance was down on himself as it was. Hearing Keith's messed up childhood was the last thing he needed... So why wasn't that what came out? "Only if you want to listen" "Keith, I want to know everything about you... when you're ready. Not when Shiro has scared the quiznak out of you. I can smell your fear all over you. Don't push yourself" Keith let out a deep breath of relief, Lance smacking him playfully with his milkshake "It's not that I don't want to tell you" "You'll tell me when you're ready. Believe me, as the messed up one, I get it. Can we finish these then can you help me shower, Daehra won't let shower alone? It's not Shiro's fault but his scent is setting me off" "I... don't like his scent on you either. We could skip the milkshakes?" Lance shook his head, clipping Keith's chin as he did in his enthusiasm. Cringing back, Lance frowned at him "You promised bed and chocolate... and I might be trying to hard right now not to start crying because you're being too nice to me"

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shittyfandomimagines · 5 years

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Pretty Damn Awesome

Word count: 2,697

Fluff, my heart can’t even

GIF creds to owner

I felt so giddy and happy, the rush of excitement flooded my body. I was honestly so nauseous just because of how much energy was building.

“You’re fucking pregnant!” My best friend shakes my arm a little, she came with me to the doctor because I was feeling a little queasy. I would’ve asked Ashton, but he was somewhere in the world doing interviews.

“I am, I’m fucking pregnant.” I started to cry happy tears and she engulfs me in a hug. “Hey, it’s just a baby, don’t be sad.” She rubs my back soothingly. “I know! I’m just so happy, I get to have my own baby and family.” I smile through the tears. “How are you going to tell Ash?” She asks and I shrug. “Well, he flies back tonight and we have dinner with his mom tomorrow night. Should I do it there?” I ask and she nods vigorously. “We need to find something cute to do.” She suggests and I nod along.

“Well, Mrs. Irwin, you are free to go. We looked at your blood work and it seems that your iron is a little low. We suggest some low-dose iron pills if you become anemic it can interfere with how small your baby can be.” The doctor comes back into the room and tells me, he hands me a slip that had the name of the medicine.

“Thank you, we were going by the store anyway.” I smile towards her and she nods. “Congratulations to you, just stop by the front desk to check out.” She shakes my hand before leaving the room. “I’m gonna search Pinterest for some ideas, you get to drive my dear. You’re no longer sick, you’re just pregnant.” My friend jokes and I roll my eyes.

—-

“What if we got like a vinyl record, like an old one that he probably won’t even know, we paint over the title; after that, we can put ‘for the record, I’m pregnant.’ It would be so cute.” Leslie suggests as we pull up to CVS. “Awe, that would be so cute. We could go downtown to that old record shop.” I wanted to cry all over again because I was so happy.

“I don’t know how you’re gonna hold this in all day when Ashton comes home.” She laughs as we get out of the car. “Well, I’ll try my hardest.” I laugh and we walk towards the pharmacy.

“Well, you’re going to need these, for sure.” Leslie puts prenatal vitamins in the basket. “Look for Vitron-C, it’s what he wrote down,” I tell her and we both start scanning the aisle. “Ah, found it!” I say and bend down to grab it.

“Does CVS even sell paint?” She asks and I shrug. “Maybe we can get the kid ones, I mean it’s not like we’re doing a huge project. We only need to paint the circles on both sides.” I tell her and she nods. “Then we can just find a silver sharpie and write on the record.” Leslie insists and I smile. “I’ll go find the kid paint, you find the sharpies, meet back at the candy,” I demand and she walks off.

I wander around until I find the paint, a few sections down I see some baby clothes and my heart quenches. I’ve never been so happy with my life, I mean besides our wedding. I grab the paint and then move to the baby items, I run my hands over it. I shake it off and go towards the candy, I put some m&ms in the basket. Leslie comes up to me and puts a pack of sharpies in the basket. “Let’s go so we can get the record.”

—-

When we both get home from the record shop, we automatically start painting the paper that was covering part it. “Leslie, you can write it because I have horrible handwriting.” I slide the vinyl to her and she sighs.

It gets quiet as she starts to write on both sides. “Do you have any spray paint?” She asks after she finished writing on it. “Probably our in the garage, why?” I ask as she stands up with the cardboard casing for the record. “I’m going to go spray paint this so he can’t see the artist. You stay here because you don’t need to inhale this.” She pats my head like a little kid.

—-

“Well babe, I’ve had so much fun with you and I’m so fucking excited to be an aunt. I love you so much.” She kisses my cheek and I smile. “Thank you, Aunt Leslie, for the win.” I hug her tightly. “Make sure you film his reaction. I’ll see you on the flip side.” She waves as she exits out the front door.

I grab the record and try to find a place to hide it. I go into the garage and hide it in the tiny safe we had in there.

I grab my phone and call my mom, I needed to tell her before I go to the Irwin’s tomorrow.

“Hello?” My mom answers and I smile. “Hey mom, I’ve got some big news for you.” I grin and I hear her gasp, she could tell already. “Let me go put you on the speaker phone with your dad.” I could hear her basically running into the room. “Listen to this.” I hear her demand my dad. “Guys, I’m pregnant. I found out today.” I hear them both scream and gasp. “I’m so happy! I’m going to be a grandma!” My mom sounded like she was crying. “I just wan- hey guys I got to hang up. Ashton is calling me.” I look at his caller ID. “Well, you two need to fly to America so I can see you.” She kindly demands and I smile. “Will do, I love you guys. Bye.” I hang up.

“Hey, babe,” I answer and I could feel his smile. “Hey, I was wondering if you were ever going to pick up.” He jokes and I smile, I was so glad to hear his voice. “Yeah, I was on the phone with my mom, but we were done anyways. What’s up?” I ask and he sighs a little. “Well, I won’t be able to be home until like 2 am, so I was calling to tell you not to wait up. You need your rest and when you wake up, I’ll be there.” He sounded sad but I knew he’d be there as soon as I woke up. “That’s okay baby, I’m not upset. You’re going to be with me for a couple of months and that’s all I need. Plus, we have the meal with your family tomorrow.” I soothe him and he chuckles a little. “You know how to fix everything, don’t you?” He sounded less sad. “It’s what I do, baby I’m going to get off the phone. I’m feeling a little sick so I’m going to go eat. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.” I say my goodbyes and he seemed a little worried. We end the call and I rub my belly a little.

I didn’t want to have that pregnancy where I felt like throwing up every day, so eating crackers calmed my pregnancy jitters. I lay on the couch and turn on Cake Boss. My eyes fluttered shut before I could even see what the cake looked like.

When I woke up I felt someone lifting me up, my eyes opened up wide because of the fear. The first thing I saw was Ashton’s sweet smile. “Hey baby, you fell asleep on the couch. I just got home so I thought I’d carry my lovely bride up the stairs.” He tells me as he presses a kiss to my forehead. “Thanks, Ash, I love you.” I snuggle myself into his chest. “Let’s get some pajamas on, you don’t need to sleep in skinny jeans. He changed me into some shorts and one of his shirts. I sigh contently as I lay my head on my pillows. Ash comes to his side and wraps me in his arms. “Night baby.” He kisses my forehead once more before we both fall asleep.

—-

“Morning, sleepyhead.” I hear Ashton’s voice as I come to. “What are you doing up?” I ask and he giggles. “I’ve been up for an hour, it’s 12 baby, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you.” He says and he kisses my nose and I grin. “You should have woke me up with you.” I wrap my arm around his neck and he pushes me up against him. His arms were around my waist and I snuggle myself in the crease of his neck.

“I’m so glad you’re home.” I kiss his neck softly and he squeezes me a little tighter. “I’ve missed you so much, I’m surprised you are still married to me. Can’t believe I found someone who wants to wait around for me when I’m busy around the world.” He sighs softly and I lift my head up. “Well I didn’t marry you for your job, I married you because you’re the love of my life. Your job is just a part of you.” I peck his lips lightly.

He pushes me on my back and hovers over me, his eyes were gleaming as he took in the moment. “I’m so fucking in love with you, look at you though. You’re so beautiful and you have this glowing skin. I just want to kiss and hold you all day long.” He lowers himself down and pushes his lips on mine. I wrap my arms around his neck once more, but this time I pull him down to me. He was trying to situate his weight but I didn’t care honestly. I allow his tongue entrance and he was taking dominance.

He moves his kissing down to my neck and I sigh contently. He starts to move to my boobs, but I didn’t realize how much they were hurting, so I push him off gently. “We’re going to your moms in 4 hours, let’s not have any marks that need to be covered.” I lie as he backs up, I knew it was probably due to the pregnancy.

I’ve honestly been lowkey reading pregnancy books for months, it’s just something I wanted to do and we’ve been married for a year. I wanted a baby so bad and now I know a lot of knowledge just from the books. “You’re right, let's go watch some Criminal Minds.” He suggests as he jumps over me, he picks me up and carries me downstairs. “I love you so much,” I whisper quietly, I didn’t know if he heard me or not, but I just knew how much he meant to me.

—-

“Anne!” I giddily yell and hug her, she wraps her arm around me. I feel someone tugging me away and I look back to see Lauren. “There’s my girl,” I say and I give her a hug too. “Can I show you my prom dress and stuff later?” She asks and I nod quickly. “Uh, duh. You know I’m your forever person hype-woman.” I tell her and she smiles softly. “Thanks.” We link arms as we go into the living room. “Can you actually walk outside with me for a moment?” I ask and she seemed worried.

“Ash, we’re going to the car! I forgot my phone out there.” I lie and he looks back at me and nods. He turns back to his little brother showing him videos of his drumming.

“What’s wrong?” She asks as we walk down the sidewalk. I make sure we’re out of ear shot by walking to the car quicker, I open the trunk quickly. I pull out the record and show her what it says, her eyes widen quickly. “You’re kidding! Oh my god, I’m so happy for you.” She hugs me tightly and I wanted to start crying. “I need to get this inside but I don’t know how to bring it in without Ashton knowing,” I say and she ponders for a second. “You go in first and be all lovey-dovey, I’ll sneak in after and put it in my room.” She plans and I nod.

I walk in and find Ash sitting on the recliner. Luckily it was turned away from the door. I sat on his lap and he smirks slightly. “Finally realize I’m the best person in the house?” He asks and I shrug. “I don’t know, I never thought you were the best.” I tease and he fake gasps. “How dare you!” He exclaims as he also fakes a pout.

I see Lauren start to dash towards the stairs. “I love you,” I whisper and kiss his neck softly. “Don’t start something you can’t finish, baby.” He whispers back and I grin. “Supper is ready!” Anne yells and I perk up. “Oof, gotta blast.” I jump up and don’t even wait for Ash, I was already at the dinner table. “I still wonder why I married you.” He jokes under his breath, he sits beside me and grabs my hand.

——

Everyone was finished with supper and most of them were drinking wine, well just Ashton and Anne. “Well, did you not want any? I’ll go get you some.” Ashton says and I shake my head. “One of us has to drive, remember?” I admit, that and I’m freaking pregnant.

“I’m gonna go get a glass of water,” I say and look at Lauren, she picks it up and we both stand. “I could go for some sprite.” She says and we both head towards the kitchen. “I’ll go get it and you make a glass of water. That way if Ashton passes out, we have something to splash on him.” She jokes and I nod, I grab a plastic cup from the cabinet and put water into it.

I go back to the living room and sit by Ashton on the loveseat. Lauren comes in with it in her hand, Ashton notices it when she sits on the floor in front of him. I see her pull out her phone and she sneakily records us. “What’s that Lauren? You got me a welcome home present?” He teases and she shakes her head. “It’s actually one from y/n.” She states and he looks at me expectingly. “Yep, I admit that it was me.” I put my hands up in defense. “You shouldn’t of.” He kisses my cheek before picking it up. “Well, I wasn’t gonna take it back,” I mumble to myself.

He pulls the record out and I think he was so caught up trying to figure out who the artist was. Suddenly, his eyes shift to the words. “For the record,” he turns the record over and his eyes go big, “I’m pregnant.” He ended up yelling it. “You’re pregnant? For real?” He asks and I nod. “Oh my god! I’m a dad!” He says as he tackles me into the couch, but he pulls back shortly after. “Hey, there little Irwin. I love you so much already.” He whispers toward my stomach and I feel tears cloud up.

We’ve been wanting a child for so long and his reaction just summed it up. Lauren turns off her phone and joins our little hug. “I’m gonna be the best aunt.” She says as she pulls away.

Anne stands up with tears in her eyes. “I’m so happy guys, l love you too so much.” We stand up so she can hug us.

She pulls away quickly and I see her demeanor change. “But I fucking knew it! You’ve got the beautiful glow, you ate much more than usual, and you had that little twinkle of happiness in your eyes.” She laughs and I groan, “you know me too well.” I say.

“So, does that mean I get to be an uncle?” Harry catches our attention and we nod. “Awesome.” He says to himself. “Yeah bud, it’s pretty awesome.” Ashton comments, he looks and me and kisses me quickly.

“Pretty damn awesome.”

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randomaccesslegacy-blog · 5 years

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I have already been employing It really works hair skin and nails and my hair grew two inches in six months! And my pores and skin seems to be much better as well. Nonetheless, you will discover limitless solutions on the market that guarantee unrealistic benefits, only to depart you disappointed. When studying the most effective shampoos for hair loss, here are some components to bear in mind. https://www.pinterest.com/healthhomeremedies/steptoremedies/ of topical prescription drugs known as prostaglandin analogs have a short while ago began going through tests for probable hair regrowth. They might be Utilized in Males and women. These medicine will not be at the moment FDA authorized for scalp hair loss. At this time, they are mainly used for eyelash improvement. Among the new medications is known as bimatoprost (Latisse). Additional testing and reports are necessary to assess the efficacy of such merchandise in scalp hair loss. Bimatoprost solution is typically applied off-label for assist in chosen circumstances of hair loss. It can be now FDA authorized for beauty eyelash improvement. Could In addition, you support me with ideal oil system to circumvent hair fall & also coffee hair mask? I'm dealing with hair fall difficulty a great deal that have made my hairs quite a bit skinny be sure to aid for this which oil & which selfmade shampoo for use. wonderful help wanted. Many thanks ahead of time Finasteride (Propecia): This medication is FDA authorized to be used in only men with androgenic hair loss. Finasteride is in a category of remedies known as 5-alpha reductase inhibitors. It can help cut down hair loss by blocking the motion of natural hormones in scalp hair follicles. Propecia is really a decreased-dose Variation of a commercially accessible drug called Proscar that can help shrink enlarged prostates in Center-aged and more mature Gentlemen. Women of child-bearing prospective should prevent finasteride. Propecia 1 mg tablets can be obtained by prescription and taken once each day. Propecia may possibly grow and thicken hair to some extent for lots of people, but its principal use is to maintain (maintain) hair that's nonetheless there. Alternatively, contemplate having iron supplements to satisfy your daily requirements. For those who’re worried you might be anemic, it’s crucial that you see a physician. In many conditions the encouraged treatment might be taking iron nutritional supplements, but in some cases even further treatment is required. Howdy gorgeous, welcome to hair buddha. I'm Minaz, an ex-training Neuro-Physiotherapist turned natural – hair – therapist! I'm creating to share my experiences on natural hair treatment that's been effective not simply on me and also on a lot of excellent men and women about me. Be a part of our mailing checklist and acquire the most up-to-date information about developments in hair loss prevention know-how. We preserve our readers up to date on what's Functioning, what is actually not, and what is actually around the horizon. Non-scarring hair loss also happens in circumstances in which there is Bodily or chemical harm to the hair shaft, causing breakage. From time to time, it may be essential to do a biopsy on the scalp to tell apart these situations. Sometimes, a medical professional might pull a hair to examine the appearance on the hair shaft in addition to the proportion of growing hairs (anagen section). This article will give full attention to the non-scarring kinds of hair loss. ” Once correctly made, this could renovate a fully bald man or woman to the head of hair they'd as being a teenager. The leading obstacle now will be replicating their ends in significant-scale human trials. Find out how getting a vitamin D deficiency can contribute to hair loss and what you can do to keep up balanced vitamin D levels in The body. Insert much more omega three fatty acids on your food plan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Hair_care_products is integral to wholesome hair growth, and devoid of plenty of of it within your diet program your hair can look brittle and uninteresting. There are actually couple of side effects with Rogaine. The leading problem with this particular treatment is the necessity to retain making use of it a few times every day, and most Gentlemen get Sick and tired of it following some time. On top of that, minoxidil has a tendency to function considerably less effectively to the front of The top, which is where by baldness bothers most Adult men. Inadvertent software on the facial area or neck skin can result in unwanted hair growth in those parts. Many thanks heaps with the suggestions of the hair things. I'm going to start nowadays by hoping the egg mask…

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Why we like it: A completely naturally shampoo that stops hair loss attributable to severe chemicals in normal shampoos, and treats leads to of Serious hair loss. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akRJ2d5raOo don't ensure the correctness of the information, you should exercising discretion while implementing the data to employ. The information presented hereunder isn't meant to be considered a substitute for receiving in touch with crisis healthcare. In the event you (or the person you intend to supply information to) are going through a professional medical emergency, please Get hold of an ambulance support or medical center instantly. It requires around a calendar year for visible hair growth, but t here are ways to boost hair health and fitness. Find out how to keep the hair growing sturdy and wholesome. Finasteride (Propecia): This medication is FDA authorized to be used in just Males with androgenic hair loss. Finasteride is in a category of prescription drugs referred to as 5-alpha reductase inhibitors. It helps lower hair loss by blocking the action of natural hormones in scalp hair follicles. Propecia is really a reduced-dose Model of the commercially available drug called Proscar that can help shrink enlarged prostates in Center-aged and older Guys. Women of child-bearing prospective should avoid finasteride. Propecia 1 mg tablets are available by prescription and brought the moment each day. Propecia could grow and thicken hair to some extent for a lot of people, but its main use is to help keep (maintain) hair that is nonetheless there. Restricted braids and ponytails can pull really hard adequate on hairs to generate them fall out. If this transpires, it is best to pick hairstyles that put fewer rigidity on hair. Carrying out this quicker aids to prevent long lasting damage. Hairpieces: Among the time-honored approaches to increase hair temporarily are hairpieces or hair weaving, during which a mesh is hooked up for the remaining hair and synthetic or human hair of similar coloration and texture is woven with present hair. An Ayurvedic treatment termed Shirodhara even so, has revealed a particular number of assure for stopping hair loss and aiding hair growth. Hair is built up of keratin, which is a protein developed throughout the hair follicles on the uppermost layer of your skin. The follicles continue to keep making new hair cells and push out the old useless cells. The hair that you choose to see on your own head are compact strands crafted from useless keratinized cells. click here , B7, C, and vitamin H are definitely the nutrients that market hair growth. Possibly you could take in foods rich in these or choose dietary supplements. Vitamin D is believed to Enjoy a role in hair creation, but most investigate concentrates on vitamin D receptors. The particular purpose of vitamin D in hair growth is unfamiliar. Even the so-referred to as natural shampoos might not support. This is because the natural detergents in them are likely to possess a better pH, While our scalp provides a lower pH (about four. Some say argan oil blocks DHT, the arch enemy of hair growth. This shampoo is perfect for remedying thinning hair also. This all natural shampoo will nourish your scalp and enhance hair volume with common use. Moreover, a bottle is highly economical. The biotin strengthens hair, drastically cutting down breakage, thinning, and hair loss. This shampoo has a mild volumizing influence in addition. It can make your hair grow thicker and more powerful with prolonged use. General, this is a superb finances item for mild to average hair loss scenarios. Should you are searhing for some herbal shampoo’s to cut back hair fall, then this can be stated being one of the better kinds below that classification of hair growth. It sports activities only natural substances which can be helpful for producing the hair shine with the roots.

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Thoughts abound concerning the effectiveness of hair growth vitamins and nutritional supplements, such as A very powerful one: Do they perform? Vitamin C – which can help Establish collagen, a protein that aids in hair growth. It’s also one among The most crucial vitamins for boosting the immune technique. We’ve talked a great deal about vitamins and minerals and their effect on hair growth. Now, Permit’s split it down a little additional and emphasize the very best vitamins for hair growth. Finasteride (brand name name Propecia) is definitely the closest to the hair loss cure tablet that experts have identified thus far. That is a DHT hair loss cure. DHT is created when 5 alpha reductase converts testosterone, and Propecia has long been identified to get a highly effective inhibitor of DHT by preventing this process from happening. A top rated hair loss shampoo can offer your scalp and hair follicles with important nutrients that enable prevent thinning or balding on the supply. With fantastic good quality solutions, This can be accomplished by protecting against the lousy hormone cycle that locally will cause bald places. Pregnancy is one particular example of the type of Bodily worry that can cause hair loss (that and hormones). Pregnancy-relevant hair loss is viewed far more frequently immediately after your toddler has become sent as opposed to basically through pregnancy. “Supplying beginning is very traumatic,” suggests Dr. Glashofer. In an field fraught with pretend claims and shady organizations, this record of the best hair loss shampoos for men and women has actually been investigated and evaluated thoroughly. Though it’s imperative that you take into account that hair loss can have a lot of underlying causes and a good shampoo with good quality elements might be Portion of a highly effective treatment, it’s challenging to argue with the A large number of independent consumers who have discovered these merchandise effective. As this oil is fairly viscous, blend the castor oil by having an equivalent volume of coconut, olive, or almond oil. Massage your scalp with it and go away it on for thirty to 45 minutes. Then shampoo your hair. I'm 28 decades aged. I'm struggling from hair fall from past just one month. In particular far more when I am taking a head bathtub and executing oil for my head. I'm utilizing underneath merchandise for my hair More than 50% of customers declare that it can thicken hair and sluggish hair loss, but It isn't deemed helpful in Gentlemen who already have substantial male pattern baldness. Negative effects seem like negligible, but in certain end users the medication might bring about pores and skin irritation. The drug is accredited to be used in Guys and women. It truly is readily available more than-the-counter in a pharmacy or drug retailer. How to proceed: If you do experience hair loss, be confident that your hair will grow back again in a couple of months. “It’s a traditional detail and it will get the job done its way out,” Dr. Glashofer suggests. Natrol also consists of calcium, which is very important for trying to keep teeth and bones potent, and also an essential element for growing balanced hair. Ketoconazole is A very powerful ingredient. Of each of the unlimited elements to look for, make certain your shampoo for hair loss incorporates ketoconazole for the reason that this ingredient combats some of the major difficulties involved with thinning hair. Maintain your hair care so simple as doable. It is possible to pre-ailment your hair with coconut or almond oil and after that shampoo. Plus, you can swap the conditioner with plant infusion or hair rinse (see the subsequent level).

New Step by Step Map For hair loss cure

Many thanks for the excellent post. The posting may be very helpul to me. Remember to put up more details on this matter. Or, in order to maintain issues very simple, You may use an item for example Ulrax Hair Surge regularly because it consists of ketoconazole. The American Hair Loss Affiliation stated it’s vital that women who definitely have a history of hair loss within their family to get made aware of the prospective consequences of birth Manage tablets on typical hair growth. Most hair loss is not really connected to systemic or inside disorder, neither is very poor food plan a frequent component. Hair may simply just thin as a result of predetermined genetic aspects and the overall growing old procedure. Nonetheless, users should be cautious simply because Nizoral could cause irritation to the pores and skin to the scalp if remaining on for much too very long. Males and women with sensitive skin must absolutely be mindful when making use of this robust product or service, making certain to usually extensively rinse right after every single use. Absolutely. Combining them can be a lot better. A great combo could be Nizoral (Ketoconazole) and plus any of another shampoos on this record. The most important thing is that you'll be implementing a shampoo with ketoconazole at the very least 2 times every week. Heat styling can fry your hair, which makes it brittle and weak, which, in turn, will continue to keep it from growing long and robust. Go straightforward on very hot styling hair applications, Unless of course you desire breakage and frizz triggering lasting hurt your locks. The bottle has about one/three still left And that i am asking yourself exactly what is to be envisioned from this product or service. I really have to use no less than eight pumps ( it seems to be double the quantity of standard shampoo that i use) and it doesn't seem to later on that very well right until following a min or so. Additonally I'm using the hair surge dietary supplement. When must i see considerably less hair falling out? When need to i count on obvious benefits. Almost every other ideas? I comprehend it claims to implement 5 of 7 times, but i use it everyday to make certain i am receiving the full profit ( if any) from this item. At this time I'm looking at one hundred buck a month for your shampoo by itself if i keep this up. Any suggestions is welcome. Thanks Lipogaine Significant 3 – contains ketoconazole, but only a couple other hair thinning/loss similar substances; not offered on Amazon (only by means of Lipogaine Internet site). This shampoo brings together the advantages of biotin, zinc, and coconut oil to deliver the growth of recent hair whilst restoring thin, ruined strands. This B-Advanced Formulation stimulates hair follicles so that you can encourage your hair to start out growing all over again. Actually, a hair regrowth shampoo that actually works can even enable to reverse problems and thicken your hair, which might wholly transform your full look and allow you to obtain the hairstyles you’ve usually preferred. When the hair loss that causes partial or complete baldness needs prescribed medicines and surgical treatments, the short term or seasonal onset of hair loss is often taken care of by […] The Human Physique Quiz will allow you to study your minimal-recognised physique areas! Just take this quiz to learn more about your system and what goes on within. https://steptoremedies.com/baking-soda-shampoo/ acquired my initial hair loss shampoo – Lipogaine’s Large 5 Shampoo – as referenced in this article.

5 Tips about hair growth shampoo You Can Use Today

Vitamin A allows to create balanced sebum, an oily material secreted because of the scalp, which retains hair from drying out and breaking off.* Moreover, Vitamin A fights free of charge radicals that weigh your hair down.* * On top of that, some think that Vitamin E has an have an impact on on the body’s immune functionality, further more escalating it’s probable to lessen hair loss danger.* It could be taken by mouth, used topically or can be found in the next foods: Although it may well not block DHT (a minimum of, this has nonetheless to get studied), the position it performs while in the regulation from the Wnt pathway is not really just one to generally be downplayed. Consequently SM04554 may perhaps Intention for 5-6 portions of fruits and greens every day. You don’t really need to consume unique, costly ones. Eat far more wide range and eat what grows locally and what modifications seasonally – as they contain most goodness and they are ideal to your hair, well being and pores and skin. Your body is declaring “I’m way too acidic” “my microbiome continues to be harmed” “I’m allergic to gluten” but your just masking up the cries if you are taking a drug, or ignore it. Hair transplantation. Hair transplantation entails the relocation of plugs of pores and skin from aspects of the scalp made up of Lively hair follicles to bald spots. An individual might have quite a few hundred plugs -- implanted 10 to 60 for each session. The transplanted hair may perhaps drop out, but new hair generally commences to grow in the transplanted follicles in several months. Now, additional than simply screening the success of RU on hair growth, scientists have been also serious about knowledge the top dosage, each concerning results and basic safety. Anything you have to know about shampoos for thinning hairHair is recognized as the crowning glory for individuals generally. So looking to resolve the challenge with medicine is much like seeking to mask the indicators, and your body pays the price for it later on. steptoremedies.com have too many Unwanted side effects in the long term. I agree with all your basic philosophy that baldness is unnatural and therefore a natural solution is admittedly the sole strategy to go. Many thanks, Greg Far more generally generally known as microneedling, mesotherapy is actually a drug-free hair loss treatment that will involve the usage of little needles. Tips on how to use: You may use amla juice with coconut oil or amla oil for your head massage. It's also possible to include some amla powder inside of a hair mask. As We all know hair is especially made up of proteins, and insufficient protein will sluggish the hair growth, and may even lead to brittle hair. Iron is an additional significant nutrient for wholesome hair growth. The key mechanism driving PSO’s good results is thought to become its inhibition of your enzyme 5AR. Through this, DHT is then blocked from currently being produced and, for that reason, can not wreak havoc around the hair follicles.

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Ep 14 Transcript: Brokenstar's Polycule

Episode 14

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi, everybody, welcome back to Stairway to StarClan, a Warriors cat reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Craig.

PAZ: No, you're not.

LIZ: I'm Liz. Just a little joke, a little humor, you know, from me to the listener.

PAZ: Well, I'll probably put-- that'll probably be at the end, the context. Well, look forward to that, I guess.

JULIAN: The end of the episode where we explain the joke at the beginning.

PAZ: Well, no, just where I put the beginning pre-intro. Sorry. This is gonna be another late episode. I have been having computer issues. But hopefully nothing will happen to this recording. And if not, we have Craig. That's why Craig is here. Thank you, Craig.

JULIAN: Thank you Craig.

LIZ: Thank you Craig, but with a caveat.

PAZ: O-oh.

LIZ: Craig, if you-- look at me, Craig. If you fuck up, I'm gonna kick you. We'll ban you from this exclusive podcast server.

PAZ: I didn't realize Craig was like on a probationary period.

LIZ: Listen, podcasting is cutthroat, man.

PAZ: Yeah, that's true.

JULIAN: Craig's on thin fucking ice. Just like the cats of ThunderClan.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Eyy.

PAZ: Yeah. Uh huh. Wow, look at that segue. That's some professional podcasting.

LIZ: Seamless.

JULIAN: Thank you. Thank you.

LIZ: Craig, that's what you have to live up to.

PAZ: Yeah, so we're continuing Fire and Ice. Shit's getting real. We read chapters...

JULIAN: 22 through 25?

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: They were a doozy. A lot happened.

PAZ: They sure were. All right. Let's hop into these summaries. So chapter 22, patrols keep reporting that RiverClan and ShadowClan have been scented in ThunderClan territory. Meanwhile, Fireheart is busy hunting, trying to look after Cloudkit, Cinderpaw, and Brackenpaw. Graystripe is Brackenpaw's mentor again but is still slipping way to see Silverstream often. The camp no longer has greencough.

Fireheart goes to visit Cinderpaw who is staying with Yellowfang. She tells him the exercises for her injured leg hurt a lot, though she is still cheerful. Fireheart says he likes spending time with her and he misses their training sessions, which makes Cinderpaw sad. She says she probably can't be a warrior anymore. And Fireheart says no instead of anything supportive or even offering any alternatives. No editorializing here.

Then Fireheart asks about what happened when the monster hit her, fearing that Tigerclaw had something to do with it, but Cinderpaw can't remember. They talk about Cloudkit instead, and Fireheart expresses how worried he is about Cloudkit being bullied in the future for being born a kittypet. Cinderpaw reassures Fireheart, even though he hasn't done much of the same for her.

Fireheart asks Bluestar if he can go to the next gathering, and she agrees. He then goes to see Cloudkit, and Brindleface tells him he might have a fever, which worries Fireheart. He overhears the other apprentices mocking Cloudkit for this. Then he meets Sandpaw, who is also going to the gathering. They talk about how it's odd she hasn't been made a warrior yet. And she reassures them about Cloudkit's future. Later they all leave for the gathering.

At the gathering, Fireheart greets some cats from WindClan as they wait for RiverClan and ShadowClan to arrive. Bluestar doesn't wait for the normal introductions and announces immediately that RiverClan has been hunting in ThunderClan territory. There is more arguing, and Crookedstar, the RiverClan leader, says an unknown ThunderClan warrior has been scented in RiverClan. Both Fireheart and Graystripe realize he must mean Graystripe. Whoopsie.

Tigerclaw accuses RiverClan and ShadowClan of joining together against them and Crookedstar accuses ThunderClan of doing the same with WindClan. The leaders keep arguing until a cloud passes over the moon. Runningnose, the ShadowClan medicine cat, and Yellowfang say the StarClan is angry they fought at the gathering and that the darkness is a sign to stop.

Chapter 24, Tallstar ends the gathering because of the sign from StarClan, and all the clans leave. Fireheart hopes Graystripe will be willing to talk, but he only agrees to meet Silverstream at Fourtrees instead of in RiverClan territory. Graystripe is still upset with him. They return from the gathering, and Fireheart checks on Cloudkit. Bluestar tells everyone that RiverClan and ShadowClan have joined together and are now a threat. Fireheart is uneasy, thinking of RiverClan's difficulty and ShadowClan's reduced numbers.

The next day, Cloudkit is recovered from his fever. Fireheart watches Cloudkit happily as he play-hunts a ball of moss. Then he sees a scary leg.

Unknown Speaker

[laughter]

PAZ: Liz wrote these summaries. I'm reading them for the first time.

LIZ: Well, he does.

JULIAN: No, that's exactly what happens.

PAZ: Yeah, I really can't argue with that. Woo. Then he sees a scary leg and tells Cloudkit to stop. It's actually Tigerclaw, who gives the moss ball back and says to Fireheart that he should be careful with his quote unquote "playthings."

Chapter 25, Brindleface calls Cloudkit away and Tigerclaw leaves ominously. Then Whitestorm, Mousefur, Sandpaw, and Fireheart go patrol the ShadowClan border, but smell the other clan before reaching it. Fireheart recognizes the scent but can't remember which ShadowClan warrior it's from. The patrol also finds rabbit bones, which were apparently left by the ShadowClan as a sign of disrespect. Whitestorm is angry and says they have to tell Bluestar and punish ShadowClan.

When the patrol returns, Bluestar has already left for her own patrol. Whitestorm tells Tigerclaw about the rabbit bones, and they quickly decide to retaliate against ShadowClan. Sandpaw isn't allowed to go, and Tigerclaw tells Fireheart to stay behind, leaving him as the only warrior in the entire camp.

Yellowfang recognizes the scent on Fireheart as Brokenstar's, and he realizes that was who he was smelling earlier. She says Brokenstar and his friends must be the ones trespassing on the territory, and not ShadowClan, and that Fireheart has to stop Tigerclaw before he attacks ShadowClan. Fireheart can't leave the camp undefended in case Brokenstar attacks. So he sends Brackenpaw instead. He manages to tell the rest of clan all of this right before Brokenstar shows up. And that's the end of our reading.

JULIAN: It's a very dramatic place to leave off.

PAZ: Yeah, this was a very dramatic set of chapters.

JULIAN: Especially like the first-- like chapter 22 is just beat after beat. The stuff starts coming and it don't stop coming.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, it sure is a set of chapters in terms of poorly thought out writing decisions, but also then good writing. You get both.

JULIAN: Yeah, you really do. It's a little of, uh... you get a little ableism, you get a little cat racism, you get a little excellent plot beats.

PAZ: This is what Warrior Cats is about, baby.

LIZ: A tasting platter.

PAZ: Um, let's take... where should we start?

JULIAN: Let's just start from the beginning. Um, Graystripe continues to not be shit.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Makes me so mad.

JULIAN: I don't know what 10 year old me was thinking when I was like, Yeah, Graystripe is cool.

PAZ: Okay, I also feel like I remember Graystripe being cool, but I only knew him from like A New Prophecy onwards.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think he does some cool stuff maybe in later books, but uh....he's struggling.

LIZ: He's a shitty teen now.

PAZ: This is really clouding my perception of him.

JULIAN: Like Brackenpaw's sad little oh, I guess he just doesn't have time for me or whatever.

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: It's just awful.

LIZ: It's so sad.

PAZ: Sort of to set up what we're talking about, it starts off with Graystripe's missing again, and Fireheart's basically asking Brackenpaw like, oh, where'd he go. And Brackenpaw's like, he went hunting without me. So sad.

JULIAN: Brackenpaw's like, he said I could go tomorrow and like, of course--

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: We all know that tomorrow's never going to come.

LIZ: It has such the tone of like, tiny child says, oh, my dad just went out to get milk.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: Like, kid waiting for their parents to come pick them up, like, oh, I'm sure they'll be here soon.

PAZ: I don't know why. Why is Graystripe not being like reprimanded more? It's pretty obviously he's not trading his apprentice.

JULIAN: Right? Well, Fireheart has this moment where he's like, Oh, "Fireheart knew that Tigerclaw wouldn't accept Brackenpaw's answer so easily." It's like well, Tigerclaw, do your job. Be menacing. Graystripe should be menaced a bit.

PAZ: He should have been menaced like two weeks ago.

LIZ: He needs to have I guess like a disciplinary meeting with the manager that is Tigerclaw.

PAZ: Yeah, there was also like a apparently like a vague timeskip or something, because it mentioned like the last gathering didn't happen because it was cloudy, which was very funny. A very funny note. So that means like at least one moon cycle has passed by or something.

JULIAN: I'm like a little-- this makes a lot of sense actually for why the clans are in such like political disarray, if they can only meet once a month if it's not cloudy, and they live in England.

PAZ: Oh god.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Really setting themselves up for failure.

LIZ: It's that seasonal whatever thing, right?

PAZ: I was gonna say like, like oh, what happens if there's a gathering and there's like an eclipse, but I'm fairly certain that's a plot point that happens later. So, you know.

LIZ: They're cats. They like it to be sunny when they go. They wanna, you know, soak in the vitamin D.

PAZ: It's not even the sun. It's the moon.

JULIAN: It happens at night.

LIZ: Oh, um, well, fuck if I know.

JULIAN: It's also like... not to criticize the world building here but like when there's a full moon out, it's much harder to see the stars.

PAZ: Yeah. It's not fucking MoonClan.

JULIAN: Like I get the whole cyclical nature or whatever.

PAZ: Do it on the new moon.

JULIAN: And if it's the new moon, you probably won't even notice if there's clouds.

PAZ: Yeah. I don't know who came up with that rule, but I think they planted the seeds for a lot of political problems.

LIZ: Imagine if they were just like, yeah, let's meet every two weeks.

PAZ: Cats don't have calendars.

LIZ: Let's meet every eight days, which is how many paws we have on two front legs, I think.

PAZ: What? What?

LIZ: Wait.

PAZ: How many paws? Hold on.

JULIAN: Liz, what kind of cats you been looking at?

LIZ: Paws? How many beans? How many toes? I didn't want to say toes.

PAZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: I was imagining like a fucking Sleipnir.

PAZ: Yeah, like fucking catbus from My Neighbor Totoro. Oh god. That's actually how all the cats look. It's just not mentioned.

JULIAN: That's where they keep all their magic. In their eight legs. Maybe it's just the leaders who have eight legs where they keep their lives.

PAZ: Wow.

LIZ: You become president, you just pop out four extra legs.

PAZ: Oh god.

JULIAN: I hate this actually.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: I know I suggested it, but it's very bad.

LIZ: I know the sound it makes. It's like [pops lips]

JULIAN: Ahh!

PAZ: Stop. Okay, we're gonna move on from that. I mean, speaking of legs, the next part in this chapter is Cinderpaw makes her speaking debut again.

JULIAN: Ugh.

LIZ: Ugh.

PAZ: Um, yeah, and there-- I-- this is time to really talk about like, the problems that come up with her character and honestly continue to be a theme throughout Warriors to this day, apparently, based on what I've seen on like Twitter and forums and stuff.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's--

LIZ: Like-- no, go ahead.

JULIAN: It's really great to like, see her as a speaking character again, and it really sucks that like, they have apparently have cat physical therapy. But it's like, well, nothing can be done.

PAZ: Yeah. I mean, like, it's nice that she's like, not like, deeply depressed and like, she's... like, it hasn't like, destroyed her character. Not destroyed her character, but like, I don't know how to word it.

JULIAN: She still has the same personality.

PAZ: Yeah, like, it hasn't like completely changed the personality and purpose of like her as a character in the book. Um, I mean that's really about all I can say for it.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's, uh... it sucks. I mean, I guess like, kind of brief spoilers, but she ends up becoming a medicine cat, which is sort of the thing that happens to any disabled cat is like, well, you're a medicine cat now. Which is just like, cool. Like, that's all you can do.

PAZ: Yeah. And them getting that position is like 95% of the time, like, against their choice in some way or form, because it's just like, no, you cannot be a warrior at all.

JULIAN: Yeah, and it's especially like... in literally the next chapter we meet Deadfoot.

PAZ: Yeah, that was a really egregious, like... the scene kind of like right after this is is Deadfoot showing up. And his physical disability is even pointed out because it says like, oh, he's limping. And there he is being a deputy. And it's like, it literally doesn't make sense, doing that to Cinderpaw's character.

LIZ: It's not even like, I don't know. What you said before about how so many, like, of the disabled characters are forced to become medicine cat. That's not even a case of like, oh, this one became a medicine cat and now like, can give perspective on you know, better care for other disabled characters. It's not like that. It's just like, you cannot have the job you want anymore. Ugh.

PAZ: Yeah. I mean, like, cat physical therapy exists, which is nice to see. But like, that really doesn't get utilized in any good way going forward or in this scene really.

JULIAN: Yeah, and there's no like, oh, you should like, you know, do your exercises so that like, you can regain some motion and like, you know, it'll be easier for you to be a w-- you know, that's not even like presented as an option.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Yeah, um, I was reading around a bit and watched some videos on this topic that I figured I would shout out and like, quote from. So there's a really good video on YouTube by transredtail. Great name. Just called "Disability in Warrior Cats" if you want to check it out.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's really good.

PAZ: But yeah, it's a good video, and he's disabled himself. So he was speaking from that perspective about disability in the video. And kind of like the three main points in the video, were like, one, any disabled cat cannot become a warrior is like a running theme. And two, when writing a disabled character, the Erins frequently choose to have the surrounding characters make decisions for them, often unwanted decisions. And then three was like indications that life as a disabled person is less than life as an abled person is kind of like the reoccurring themes when it comes to how disabled characters are written in Warriors. And then also points out that like, disabled characters exist as plot points or as a way to create pity or guilt in the surrounding cast of characters, which is also definitely true.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's definitely happening here with like, Cinderpaw as sort of fuel for Fireheart's manpain.

LIZ: God. The scene where he goes to see her is like so... so frustrating because here's his, like, young apprentice who had like... who's really cheerful and enthusiastic and so clearly happy to see him cause she's bored out of her mind. And the scene just becomes about like, how sad he is that she doesn't have a future, and how it's his fault, and how suddenly he's worried that the same thing will happen to his nephew. And she-- this kid is the one who ends up comforting him about his nephew and all of his worries about Cloudkit that he doesn't really have for her anymore.

JULIAN: Yeah, it sucks that like he has immediately jumped from being worried about her to like, being worried about Cloudkit, as though he's just completely given up on her as like a person that he needs to care about her future.

PAZ: Yeah, it's so weird that he doesn't like, fight for her at all, or, like, encourage her at all. Like, it's just like, her fate is sealed without really any discussion.

LIZ: The thing he says about like, oh, well, maybe we can go hunting again and we'll find you the slowest prey possible. And she just like laughs, instead of like, being sad because that's, it's so patronizing. And it makes all these assumptions about-- it's not like being accommodating towards her because she didn't ask for any of that.

JULIAN: Yeah, like she wants to be a warrior. And like, I just, I can see a way that it could have been... like, transredtail talks about this and has like a lot of really good videos of like, how disabled kits actually move, that's really like, helpful for the well, what about the realism? crowd. Because like, spoiler alert, it turns out that cats that like lose the use of their back legs can actually scamper around pretty well.

PAZ: Yeah, like, even cats are like completely paralyzed in their back legs still move around pretty good.

JULIAN: But like, I can see, like an alternative where like, Fireheart is like, yeah, I'm going to help you with your physical therapy. And we're going to, like, figure out ways for you to hunt that are different. And maybe you'll have a slightly different role as a warrior, but you'll still be able to, like, hunt and do patrols. And it's just-- it sucks to see him completely give up on her. And it also, I wish-- I know that this would require like an acknowledgment of the fact that Fireheart is being ableist, but I wish she got to be angry about it.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like, the book doesn't.... the framing of this is just like nonexistent in the book. Like it doesn't-- there is no like self awareness of what it's doing. And like, it's kind of just presented as-is, like, yep, this is what's happening now. And Fireheart's reaction to it is not portrayed as bad or anything. It's just...

LIZ: Yeah, it's so like, thoughtless and lazy, I don't know. Someone mentioned before how in the next chapter, we see Deadfoot again. And also like, just to note, still the worst name possible to give to your--

PAZ: Absolutely.

JULIAN: Yeah. Oh, God, it sucks.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: That's, um, that is another thing in Warriors is like once cats get like injured or physically disabled in a way, they get renamed. It's very weird.

LIZ: I think they should be able to choose better ones for themselves. God. Um, but yeah. It's such a missed opportunity, too, because one, there's like the precedent of mentors taking their apprentices to gatherings. Why not just have Fireheart take Cinderpaw there and meet this extremely, like, respected, perfectly happy other warrior, who is very much in the-- who has like a very similar experience to her?

JULIAN: Yeah. Like they're on good terms with WindClan.

PAZ: Yeah, I just-- I don't know, like, it was just like non-thinking on the part of the authors, I think. But like the juxtaposition, cause Deadfoot being like, mentioned again in the story come so soon after that Cinderpaw stuff. And it's like you're not even like making sense within your own narrative.

LIZ: It's like wow, that's just-- it's extremely... it's bad. On the subject of disability, it's bad, and also on the subject of like, just plotting, it's real bad.

JULIAN: Yeah, yeah. And like, I don't know. I like, I think the name thing is awful. I don't think it's like... I don't hate the idea of like taking a new name when something like as life-changing as like a major disability happens to you, because that does like... like disability does change the way you identify for a lot of people. But like the fact that it's not anyone's choice is... that it's like the leader giving you this like... Oh, well, your foot is dead now. And that's who you are, like euaaaagh. Bad.

Yeah, I don't know. I also like, obviously, I have thought a lot about disability recently, because like, I just got out of-- the reason we didn't record for like, a month and change was because I had surgery on my arm that I couldn't use for six months. And like, that's definitely not the same as like a permanent disability. But like, I thought a lot about what it means to like, lose the use of one of your limbs. And I wish they had handled this differently.

PAZ: Yeah, um, another good point that came up on a thread I was looking on the same forum as last time. What was it again? WCRPforums.com, which is like the most active big Warriors forum right now, there was a thread about Warriors Cat ableism, and this was a post made by a deleted member, but they made a really good point. I'll just read part of it.

"I think this is the thing that's forgotten a lot when adults argue about this stuff. These are books for kids. The cats already have superpowers. There's already magic out the ass with StarClan sending mystical prophecies that foretell the future and manipulating the weather. And saying that there wouldn't be physically disabled characters with positive life as a warrior because it's an unrealistic is just oof.

I think people forget just how much positivity good rep brings into the life of kids, and good physical disabled rep in popular kids media isn't common enough for my liking. A three-legged warrior will not break my immersion. A warrior without a tail shouldn't break my immersion. Blind and Deaf warriors are not immersion breaking for me. If kittens talk fairly well when they're a month old, I can easily buy lip reading.

With all the series has thrown at us--" here's a great list. "With all the series has thrown at us-- ghost badgers, super powers, future telling prophecies, cat Heaven and Hell invading the real world, being able to kill ghosts, magic spirit weather, miracle plant medicine, cat farming, cats amputating with rocks, magic water that lets you visit the afterlife and talk to ghosts, cats literally dying and coming back from the dead and more-- I can live with disabled characters. And I'm not sure why it's such a big deal that would absolutely destroy the immersion for other people."

But yeah, the main point in this that like, this is a kid series and like kids are reading this and seeing this stuff, and how like that could like negatively impact a disabled kid reading this is like, really important to think about.

LIZ: I don't know. I like--

JULIAN: And--

LIZ: Oh, no, go ahead.

JULIAN: Oh no, it's OK. I think like, there was-- a lot of the Twitter threads that we're talking about have come out of a hashtag. I think it's #warriorcatsableism?

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: And there was a recent discussion of something that happened in like one of the most recent books, and it does sound like someone wrote a letter, and Harper Collins said that they would like work on doing better in future books.

PAZ: I think they actually like, edited a line out in like future like, releases, whatever book editions you said. Gosh, I wish I could find that again.

JULIAN: I think it was, like... yeah.

PAZ: I don't know where the fuck I saw it when I was reading all this stuff. So, I mean, the hashtag is great. And I think it has brought some awareness of the issue hopefully. So I'm hoping the series like improves on that front going forward.

LIZ: Yeah, it's, it's so much a thing that's like... it's been going on for so long. It's still so popular. And it's still a pretty recent, like, fumble or just thoughtlessness that's happened, and that it's even recently corrected. They must have the budget now for like, a sensitivity reader. I don't know.

PAZ: Yeah. Yes. I sincerely hope they--

LIZ: Better to catch that early.

PAZ: --they find one.

LIZ: Find several, please.

JULIAN: You know, it's already like... it's a team book already.

LIZ: Yeah, exactly.

PAZ: Another point transredtail made in his video was that like, just like have more disabled characters so that representing like, a plethora of experiences means like, if a disabled character dies or something, if there's a lot of other disabled characters, it's less egregious. But the fact that like, there's so few disabled characters, and they frequently go through like the same sorts of plot points, yeah, it's like not... it's bad. It's not good representation. And it needs to be fixed.

JULIAN: Like, if you have multiple disabled characters, you can show characters having conflicting ideas about their own disability and like, you know, you have-- because there is a diversity of like, how people feel about their own disabilities, like within the disabled community. And if you have a lot of cats, then like, if one of them dies, it's not, well, that was the only disabled character who had any agency and now they're dead.

PAZ: I mean, it's a similar principle as like writing the queer characters. It's like, if you have, if you have more than like, one or two of like, the minority group you're representing then like, you can just represent more experiences that way. And they don't have to carry the whole group on their shoulders. And it's just realistic to have a variety of characters.

LIZ: It would also be good to have like, disabled characters talk to each other instead of just having them only talk to abled characters and be their comforting, like soothing whatever.

PAZ: I feel like that might happen in A Power of Three, but it is not necessarily done well.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: Okay...

PAZ: We'll see when we get there.

LIZ: Rough times ahead. Oh god, there's an airplane flying.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: Do you hear it?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Yeah, I do.

LIZ: This is where I live. I am sorry. Oh, my God, my Audacity waves. Go away.

PAZ: I'll silence them with a stroke of my mouse.

LIZ: I'll mute. This is terrible.

PAZ: Okay, and another point transredtail brought up was the fact that like, a lot of disabled characters are forced into the medicine cat position, and then like, that's a position where you aren't allowed to have children.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: [gasps] Aw geez.

LIZ: I forgot about that.

PAZ: Which is a very-- like, it's definitely unintentional, but like, the parallels to real world eugenics and like, how like real world disabled people like, often have trouble starting a family because the way the government like, doesn't provide good like support or money. And like you kind of can't marry--

JULIAN: You can't get married. You'll lose your benefits.

PAZ: So... yeah, the fact that like, no children kind of happens to a lot of disabled characters through this medicine cat position is... yikes.

JULIAN: It also-- like you were talking about where it's like the disabled character takes on this role of like, comforting the abled character about their own disability is like... the medicine cat role is in some ways kind of an extension of that where it's like, okay, well, you have to be the caretaker now for everyone. That's your job. Like, oooh.

LIZ: It's so patronizing and also just bitter, because we won't provide you the care that you need. But please give it to me.

PAZ: And this is in later books, but Jayfeather, like being a blind protagonist, lots of people have also raised the point of like, you also get the weird disabilities as like superpowers or like the trope of disabled character whose like disabilities, quote, unquote, like... God, what is the phrase I'm looking for? My brain is empty. It's like counteracted. Counteracted by their supernatural abilities.

JULIAN: It's like, oh, he's blind. But oh, don't worry, he's not really blind. He can still see via the magic of StarClan. And it's like, well, cowards.

PAZ: Yeah. There's also-- I can't remember if it was just in Twitter threads or in the YouTube video of like, blind cats hunting flies, which was very cute. So like, screw realism, because these books don't have realism. But once again, like, cats with disabilities are very capable.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, the realism argument feels a lot like the same kind of discussions that come up any time that like, there's characters of color in like fantasy, or like, medieval novels, where it's like, oh, it's not realistic. And it's like, God, there's dragons.

PAZ: And also, like, it is realistic.

JULIAN: And also Black people existed in medieval Europe. But like.

PAZ: Yeah, it's literally the same exact same sort of...

JULIAN: Yeah, it's the same thing where it's like, A, it is realistic. And B, it shouldn't matter if it's realistic or not, because magic.

PAZ: Were you gonna say something else, Liz?

LIZ: Um, yeah, just on the subject of realism, like, it does matter a lot that there are, like Julian said, people of color in medieval settings already existing and people in so and so places already existing, like, in actuality. And, like, it sounds silly to talk about cats, but like, yes, disabled cats are like real. And they're doing fine. Whether it's like, even stray cats versus like, you know, domestic cats. And if you're gonna take the metaphor of the cats in the books being people, then of course, disabled people are just out there living their lives. And I don't know, it's also patronizing the way that the books have done it so far.

PAZ: Yeah. But, yeah, unfortunately this will probably be discussion that keeps coming up because it is an issue that keeps coming up in the books to this day, so.

JULIAN: God, there's one, like-- I know we're moving on. There's one like throwaway line where Cinderpaw says something about like... or like, I think Fireheart mentions that-- oh, he's like, when did you get so smart? Because she is like, angry at the other apprentices' cat racism. And she goes, "suffering can do that to a cat."

LIZ: Ugh.

JULIAN: And it's kind of a joke, but it's also like, the whole trope of like, oh, she's stronger because of what she's gone through. And it's like, awwwww.

LIZ: It's also interesting, because suddenly she has the emotional intelligence of an adult. And she has to comfort another adult because she has suffered, and that means the adult doesn't have to do anything for her?

JULIAN: Yeah, it's like her disability erased the fact that she's still a child. And she's suddenly like a little, little wise adult.

LIZ: A little wise adult who also doesn't get the privileges of being an adult, which is, you know, choosing what you want to do with your life, or having like bodily autonomy.

PAZ: Yeah, I wish she was like, allowed to be like angry, like, at the people around her for treating her so poorly. But.

JULIAN: I wouldn't even like-- you know, I'm glad that she's like still... she's always been like a very like kind of spunky, like, I'm going to do it no matter what kind of character. And so it kind of sucks to see her completely give up on being a warrior so quickly. But also, like, I wish that we did get to see her be upset, or more upset about like, her life path completely being cut off by the people around her.

PAZ: I mean, the really weird thing is like, that didn't happen on screen, like that conversation.

LIZ: Yeah, exactly.

PAZ: She was just like recovering and like, not awake. And then we skipped to her like, being awake. And it seems that conversation, to her, has happened somewhere offscreen, which is really weird.

LIZ: I think what it says about I guess the writing is that we didn't see it, because the authors didn't think it was important to see it, which is [heavy sigh].

JULIAN: I mean, it kind of feels like we do see it though, because she's like, oh, when am I going to go back to training? And Fireheart's like, uhhhhhhh. And then she goes, Oh, I'm never gonna be a warrior. And that's like, the sum total of the conversation.

PAZ: Yeah. I kind of read it as like the final conversation on that topic.

JULIAN: That makes more sense.

PAZ: Um, it's still weird. And there's no real, like-- Fireheart doesn't have much like internal thought going on in that moment, so he doesn't really offer much perspective on that choice.

JULIAN: Yeah, and like I get, you know, it's Fireheart's POV or whatever. But a lot of the other characters clearly have so much going on internally that like, we do kind of see through Fireheart's eyes that it's... I don't know, it's weird that we don't know what--

PAZ: If you want to your POV character to be in the scene, you just do it. You make up any excuse.

LIZ: We saw, um, Sandpaw for like, a much shorter amount of time. And like, it was easy to get a sense like, oh, she's really unsatisfied with what's happening to her. And why hasn't she been cat promoted yet? And she's really frustrated. And that didn't take very long at all. And you get-- there is a sense of sympathy there. And he sympathizes with her. And he doesn't really do that for his own apprentice who he's just-- he's known for much longer, or I mean, known more, I guess, like closely.

JULIAN: Yeah, like, he's very sad, but it's all like guilt. It's all about him.

LIZ: Yeah. It's not frustration for her. It's like, oh, I fucked up.

PAZ: Yeah. I really think it just comes down to like, the writing was thoughtless. And it was like, not a proper way to handle a disabled character and leads to this kind of, like lack of care given to her arc.

JULIAN: And then we get the cat racism.

LIZ: Double whammy.

PAZ: Yeah. I guess we will be moving on from that topic for now. Because yeah, then it goes right into the cat racism.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Which I-- it's handled a bit better, because it's actually intentional is what I will say.

JULIAN: Like, it's intentional and it's framed as bad, even if it's like a little, you know, it's cat racism in a kid's book.

LIZ: It is the metaphor that the kids will understand.

JULIAN: Um, I wrote like three different times, "Cloudkit is a child." In all caps.

PAZ: Yeah, they're being like, really cat racist, like worse than we saw with like, Fireheart, honestly.

LIZ: He's just a baby.

PAZ: I'm like, this is a two week old baby.

LIZ: Listen, since it is-- I know it's cat racism. But I do think it's very funny that these British ladies wrote about-- made a metaphor about racism, and had it be like racism against the white cat.

PAZ: Oh god.

LIZ: Just a fun little note.

PAZ: That's extremely funny. I guess they were trying to be like what coat colors would a house cat have. Oh my god.

LIZ: It could have been like a fancy one instead of... like white stray cats are pretty common too.

PAZ: You know what I was thinking that whole time? I'm like, Yellowfang's a Persian cat.

LIZ: Yeah, what the fuck?

PAZ: I'm like, why? I don't think--

LIZ: Yellowfang's a purebred cat.

PAZ: I know. Oh my god.

LIZ: She's an escaped show cat. That's the secret.

PAZ: It's so funny.

LIZ: Yellowfang's living like the Anastasia movie or whatever.

JULIAN: Oh my god.

PAZ: Oh, my God. I was just picturing my cat Kip though.

LIZ: Mm.

JULIAN: Just a little guy.

LIZ: Just a little guy.

PAZ: Just a little fluffy guy, but everyone is like, I want this child to die.

JULIAN: I am glad that we do get to see-- I mean, obviously it's not great. But I'm glad that we get to see Tigerclaw back at it again with the kit murder, the threatening to kit murder.

PAZ: Yeah, that's like a couple chapters away but--

JULIAN: It is.

PAZ: Damn.

LIZ: I love the scene where he shows up cause it's so like just over the top, and it's the fucking funniest thing I've ever seen.

PAZ: I was like, this rules. Wait, I should go find it.

JULIAN: He's like twirling his metaphorical mustache.

LIZ: Oh, you didn't know? Tigerclaw has been a mustache cat this whole time.

PAZ: I'm still trying to find it.

JULIAN: It's in chapter 24 at the very end. You're right. It is an evil leg.

LIZ: The way he shows up is you just picture, like, stage lighting, and the spotlight shows up, and like a leg just sticks out from behind the curtain.

[ominous music]

PAZ: Okay, I found it. The scene is Cloudkit playing with a little moss ball, which is very cute.

LIZ: Adorable.

PAZ: "He rolled onto his back, threw the ball up with his four paws, and kicked it away with his hind legs. It landed next to the nursery. Cloudkit scrambled up and scooted after it. He crouched a rabbit leap away, his hind quarters bunched in the air. Fireheart watched as the kit prepared to pounce. Suddenly his fur prickled. A long dark foreleg was reaching towards the moss ball from behind the nursery. 'Cloudkit,' Fireheart called. 'Wait!' Shadowy images of rogue cats were still fresh in his mind. Cloudkit sat up and looked around at him, puzzled."

[drum roll, dramatic organ music]

"Tigerclaw emerged from behind the kit, holding the moss ball between the teeth. He carried the ball over to the kit and dropped it by Cloudkit's fluffy white paws. 'Be careful,' he growled. 'You wouldn't want to lose such a precious plaything.' As he spoke, the dark warrior stared at Fireheart over Cloudkit's head."

JULIAN: Literal like children's cartoon villain out here like, oooh.

PAZ: It's so funny.

LIZ: You'd better not lose your moss ball. [evil laugh]

JULIAN: Like literally the mafioso like, [deep voice] nice kit you got here. Shame if anything were to happen to it.

PAZ: This is the next little part. "Fireheart shivered. What did Tigerclaw mean by that? He seemed to be talking about the moss ball. But did he really mean that Cloudkit was a plaything?"

LIZ: Yes.

PAZ: Yeah, he's threatening your two days old nephew.

LIZ: You know he loves baby murder. He's trying so hard.

JULIAN: He loooves baby murder.

LIZ: He's gonna send your nephew to snake hell.

JULIAN: Well, and then there is the whole plotline of like Fireheart suspects that Tigerclaw was responsible for like Cinderpaw's accident. So he's really up on the the child murder or attempted murder.

LIZ: His rate of success is so-so, but boy is he determined. Yeah, it's not for lack of trying. Do you think like Tigerclaw goes back to his den every time he fails? It's like [clicks teeth] if it weren't for those darn kids. Next time I'll surely succeed.

JULIAN: That meddling kittypet.

LIZ: All I need is a big cliff and a long trail of Temptations treats. And when Cloudkit has the final treat, then I'll appear. Okay, I think of all the cats that I could see standing twolegged, Tigerclaw could be one, because that seems like the most evil. He's walking like a man towards--

PAZ: I think he should be one of his cats whose like, fur patterns make it look like he has a little mustache.

LIZ: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Um--

JULIAN: God. Sorry, go ahead.

PAZ: I was just gonna say, but like, yeah, like other cats in the clan are also just being like, I want this child to die. Because like Longtail says at one point like, when Cloudkit gets a fever like, he won't last through Leafbare, like, happily.

JULIAN: They're like, joking about how long this child is gonna survive.

LIZ: Hey, y'all have a low birth rate, low infant survival rate. Shut up. Jesus.

JULIAN: It's like, are they so numb to child death? Like does it happen so often that they're just like, whatever?

LIZ: This is like the cat xenophobia.

JULIAN: God. Speaking of-- this is a terrible segue, but speaking of bad leadership decisions, what's up with Bluestar?

LIZ: She's so--

PAZ: Yeah, the scene with Sandpaw.

LIZ: What happened to her?

JULIAN: The scene even right before Sandpaw, where Fireheart is like, oh, I want to go to the gathering, cause I want to like see how WindClan is doing. And she's like, I don't need reminding of what you did for WindClan. It's like, what? She sounds like she's like, she thinks he's trying to like curry favor with her or something. And it's like, no, he's like, being normal. What's your damage?

LIZ: I guess like, is this gonna be a plot point?

PAZ: Is she that upset about him bringing a kitten when she's been saying over and over again, we don't have enough warriors?

LIZ: She's the one who brought him in for that express purpose.

PAZ: Right? He was just going by example.

JULIAN: And like, do I think it was a good idea? No. Do I think he should have checked? Yes. But also like, you deal with what you're given.

LIZ: There's been many worse decisions made in this clan recently, too. This isn't the worst one. It's just, well, it's a baby. We did need one.

JULIAN: ThunderClan is a smorgasbord of bad decisions.

LIZ: I wouldn't want to be there.

JULIAN: No, if I had to choose a clan...

PAZ: WindClan.

JULIAN: I would choose WindClan. They seem normal.

LIZ: They seem fine.

PAZ: This is jumping ahead again. But at the gathering like, Tallstar is like, we've been minding our fucking business. Like I don't know what all the rest of you are doing, but. We're just chilling. Leave us out of this.

LIZ: Tallstar is just like, he gets there late with like Starbucks or whatever. Sorry. That's an old meme, but he's like, hey, what's happening?

PAZ: The room's on fire.

JULIAN: Tallstar like, we're really busy hunting rabbits. Y'all figure this out yourselves.

LIZ: Like, I have to go now. My mom's calling me. Bye.

PAZ: But, um, yeah, there's a scene with Sandpaw at the end of chapter 22 that was nice. I like them building up the relationship between Fireheart and Sandpaw, since he like, saved her life. I like that it's like playing out over the long term. It's also cute that Fireheart keys to being like surprised, like why is she being so nice to me?

JULIAN: It's very fun.

LIZ: I think it's also good that he's like--

JULIAN: I also--

LIZ: Oh, no, go ahead.

JULIAN: No, no, no, go ahead.

LIZ: No, he's like, why haven't you been a warrior yet? You're like, so competent.

JULIAN: Yeah, Graystripe is a warrior. Mr. Chucklefuck himself.

PAZ: Yeah, can he be demoted and like, give it to Sandpaw?

LIZ: Yeah, can they switch?

JULIAN: I also do like that Sandpaw like, criticizes Bluestar's decisions.

PAZ: Yeah. She is right, too.

JULIAN: Also, she's nice about Cloudkit, which gains her points.

LIZ: It is.

JULIAN: She's like, oh, he's gonna be fine and his fur is really thick, so it's really helpful in the winter.

PAZ: Yeah, she's like, oh, he'll blend in.

LIZ: He's so fluffy, he'll be-- he'll never be cold.

JULIAN: Ugh, the gathering is just a mess.

PAZ: Yeah, so then the next chapter is the gathering. It is indeed a mess.

JULIAN: I have written on three lines in a row, "Graystripe, oh my god. Graystripe please."

PAZ: Graystripe is gonna cause like an international incident. He's caused like two indirect manslaughters, and now he's going to cause a war. He is, this one cat.

LIZ: He's not doing anything to hide it either.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: Cause he has no plans to stop. He's not even like, oh, I'm gonna roll in some garlic so they don't know it's me or something.

JULIAN: Right? He's not even trying to disguise his smell.

PAZ: I cannot believe that.

LIZ: That's the only thing you guys got. You're cats. Do something. Oh god, there's another airplane.

JULIAN: It's like he's trying to sneak into a building, but he's using his employee ID badge to do it.

LIZ: They'll never know it's me. How? It could be another Graystripe.

PAZ: Yeah, all that anyone has to do is come up and like sniff him a bit.

JULIAN: Like, why did he come to the gathering? They're gonna smell him.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Why did he come? He's clearly not interested. He's like so checked out. He's just... he's wifeguy (derogatory.)

JULIAN: We also-- and I know this is partly like Fireheart POV. But like, because we don't see anything of like the relationship between Graystripe and Silverstream, we don't see them interact ever, it really is just like, why is he doing this?

PAZ: Yeah, it's like I don't... why are you so like, adamant about this, bro?

LIZ: We have seen a lot of Graystripe, though. And if I was Silverstream, I wouldn't be risking it all for this guy. I don't know.

PAZ: Yeah, Silverstream also sucks in this instance, frankly.

JULIAN: No, that's true. We see Graystripe sucking directly, but she is also like putting her clan at risk, and...

PAZ: It takes two.

LIZ: At least they are with each other so they don't have to be with anyone else?

PAZ: Thank God, they're out of the dating pool.

JULIAN: I know this would cause more problems. But how come she never comes and visits Graystripe?

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: There's already RiverClan cats on ThunderClan territory, apparently.

JULIAN: It wouldn't even cause an incident.

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Why are they meeting each other in like one territory instead of like starting to meet like somewhere neutral? It seems really short sighted.

JULIAN: Why don't they go meet in kittypet territory? No one will care.

PAZ: God, right?

LIZ: Yeah. You just go back home, and Bluestar is like why do you smell so much like catnip?

JULIAN: Like, oh, Yellowfang told me to go get some. Boom. We're so much smarter than Graystripe.

LIZ: Graystripe, why do you smell like garlic? Oh, just love the taste.

PAZ: Aside from Graystripe, I have to put an alert on our Fireheart/Onewhisker watch.

JULIAN: Oh, I forgot about that.

PAZ: Yeah, we're on Fireheart/Onewhisker watch.

LIZ: Oh, it's real.

PAZ: It's going, it's happening. It's out there. It's real.

JULIAN: Onewhisker does glance at Fireheart with an amused gleam in his eyes.

PAZ: You wanna talk about cross-clan romance blooming.

LIZ: Where's the Fireheart/Onewhisker marriage of convenience--

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: --to cement the allegiance between their two clans?

PAZ: Liz, you're so smart.

JULIAN: [typing] Archiveofourown.org.

PAZ: Yeah, I think Onewhisker like comes up to Fireheart during the gathering, and they're just like excited to see each other again. It's a cute scene.

LIZ: Isn't he also like oh, wow, Deadfoot said hi to you. What an honor. So like clan dad approval or whatever. You've met my family.

PAZ: Deadfoot's the dad who wears the shirt like, you can't date my daughter.

JULIAN: Great news.

PAZ: Oh yes?

LIZ: Oh?

JULIAN: There's 25 works.

PAZ: Oh fuck yes.

JULIAN: In the tag, which is kind of a lot. There's not like that that many Warrior Cats fics.

PAZ: Damn.

JULIAN: There's 3000 of them. So 25 for like a pretty obscure rarepair is not bad. Um, the first fic, or the most recent fic in the tag is a Peter Pan crossover.

LIZ: Huh.

PAZ: [snorts]

JULIAN: In which Fireheart is Peter Pan.

PAZ: Okay.

JULIAN: I don't know which character Onewhisker is. This is orphaned.

LIZ: Is it because he has red hair?

JULIAN: Maybe? Um, oh boy. Warrior Cats lemons. Discontinued until further notice.

PAZ: No...

LIZ: My god. No!

PAZ: No, you can't do that.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Oh my god, I think um, whoever wrote the Peter Pan-- who orphaned their Peter Pan account, I think they probably wrote this other one too.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: Because this seems... no, no, no, not the lemon. It's not the lemon This one that I'm about to describe, which is a Warriors/Cyrano de Bergerac crossover.

PAZ: A what crossover?

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Cyrano de Bergerac, which is the... it's like She's the Man type of like, uh, story where it's like, oh, this person has a crush on the other guy-- or on a girl and I'm going to like write letters.

LIZ: Oh, it's a Half of It situation, Paz.

PAZ: Yes, okay, I see.

JULIAN: Yes, not She's the Man. That's a different...

PAZ: Maybe this person has a big brain, I think.

JULIAN: I think this person has a gigantic brain.

LIZ: I'm so happy for them. What a great, completely unexpected AU.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't know what else happened in the gathering besides Graystripe being the source of all conflict.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw was being pretty aggressive and like, making things worse than they needed to be. And I wish Bluestar would tell him to shut up.

PAZ: Yeah, was he about to like fucking attack clan leaders or something?

JULIAN: He like... I don't know if he like got close to attacking, but he got close. Like he's definitely doing a lot of yelling. I'm glad that StarClan sent a cloud to defuse the situation.

PAZ: Thanks, StarClan, I guess.

LIZ: You know cats hate clouds.

JULIAN: I mean, listen, my cat Chickpea has spent the last two days like hiding under various objects because she hates rain so much.

LIZ: Aw, Chickpea.

JULIAN: Aw, her traumas.

LIZ: StarClan sends one cloud to pass over the moon. All of the cats, all of them, they just like fluff up. They're like, ah fuck, we gotta go home.

PAZ: Cute.

JULIAN: Yellowfang is right. They shouldn't be fighting among themselves, especially during Leafbare. They should be worrying about keeping their clans safe.

PAZ: Yeah, she's right. Yellowfang has like the one brain in this whole book, maybe.

LIZ: Yellowfang should leave and join a better clan. It's real fucked up here.

PAZ: Yeah, just go make your own clan, Yellowfang.

LIZ: Maybe she should make like-- okay, here's a clan where you can have more than one doctor so I can like sleep once in a while.

OLIVER: [yowl]

LIZ: I'm so old. I'm a cat. I'm so old.

PAZ: Oh hold on, Oliver wants to go out. Be right back.

JULIAN: I think it's really good when our podcast is interrupted by our actual cats.

LIZ: Yeah, it's a little bit of flavor, I think. Makes you think like, hey, who's the real kittypet? Oliver, Chickpea, or us?

PAZ: Okay, I'm back.

LIZ: Hi.

JULIAN: Hello.

PAZ: Hello. Um, I don't know. I guess the next like, stuff that-- we've already talked about the evil leg scene. So the next stuff is like the ShadowClan stuff. I think that was all chapter 25. It was a really fun chapter to read.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's like very fast-paced. Oh, I thought there was a nice little detail. When they find the rabbit bones that they're like, oh, this is ShadowClan, there's a bit about like "Clan cats normally buried the bones of their prey as a sign of respect for the life they had taken." Which is you know, that's a nice little world building detail. I'm sure it will never come up again.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm like, wow, this showed up out of nowhere and just for this one plot beat, but okay.

LIZ: You know, there's like 100 more books. Might show up again.

PAZ: Maybe.

LIZ: Would be nice. Would love to know about, you know, burials and... what is the relation between like, animals that aren't cats and aren't other carnivores?

PAZ: I don't know.

LIZ: And what's the spectrum of like sentience and respect there? I don't know.

JULIAN: Like I knew we talked a little bit way back when about how dogs are maybe semi-sentient in this universe, but this is not a Redwall situation.

PAZ: I think badgers are also sentient? I don't 100% remember.

LIZ: Badgers are always sentient in any animal thing.

PAZ: So true.

LIZ: They're just like fun guys.

PAZ: Yeah, cause I'm pretty--

JULIAN: They really do have like an outsized impact in children's literature for how many badgers actually exist.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen--

LIZ: I've never seen one.

PAZ: Yeah, not even like in a zoo, I don't think.

LIZ: Mm-mm.

JULIAN: When I click on the Wikipedia page for badgers, which we've done before on the podcast, one of the suggestions is List of fictional badgers.

LIZ: It's very big.

PAZ: Yeah, so the ShadowClan stuff is like Tigerclaw gets all gung ho about rushing off to deal with ShadowClan, leaves the camp completely undefended. And it turns out it's not ShadowClan. It's like Brokenstar and his posse, who basically just set up like a ambush.

LIZ: They're his friends. Please, the text calls them his friends.

PAZ: Sorry. Brokenstar's polycule.

LIZ: [laughing] No!

PAZ: Sorry, sorry. Okay, I just had to get that out.

JULIAN: No, you're... listen, who's to say? Who's to say it couldn't be?

LIZ: You're right. Just completely got me-- just threw me off. Not just the track, but just like the region. I'm in another area code.

JULIAN: Hard left.

LIZ: There's a part where it's pointed out that no one is telling Bluestar before they go attack. And then Tigerclaw's like, well, you go tell her, to Fireheart. And I don't know. I think it brings up an interesting like question like, how much of this is Tigerclaw just acting the way he wants because he thinks that's like the right thing? And how much of it is like pre planned or part of his like, grand evil, usurping murder scheme?

JULIAN: Yeah, it is-- because like, it is very clear that like he thinks he's acting in the best interest of the clan. But also it happens to be that he thinks that the best interest of the clan is for him to be in power absolutely. And like, I think that's a good point. Like, how much of this is him scheming and how much of this is him being like, well, I know what's right, and I'm not gonna listen to anyone else?

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, that's something we will presumably find out.

LIZ: I am kind of surprised like, at almost the end of the book, how much he's been like an enjoyable antagonist because he does like seesaw between like, I'm your mean teacher. I'm your comically evil teacher. And then I'm your comically evil king killer.

PAZ: He's so fun.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw really is like, he's a great character. Like, he does some wild shit later. Uh, but he's one of like, you know, I didn't read a lot of the later books, but he's one of my favorite characters in the series.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm excited to be reading and like actually seeing him on screen because I mean, he's mentioned a lot in later books. But here he is doing his thing.

LIZ: Doing his evil leg reaching out to take your basketball.

JULIAN: You know, I guess the Brokenstar like reveal is... cause we were talking in the first book that we were like, yeah, the Brokenstar stuff seemed to get resolved like way too quickly.

PAZ: It wasn't resolved.

JULIAN: And I guess this is why.

LIZ: Makes sense.

PAZ: Which makes sense. Yeah, cause he wasn't killed or anything.

LIZ: No, he just got Team Rocket blasted off. He's back now. He's here to steal your Pikachu.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean this chapter is just like good, like, rising tensions and then also like Fireheart like making like decisions on the fly. And there's like a scene where he like gets on top of Highrock, which was fun. Kind of had to take like de facto leadership in like this situation where literally everyone else left.

JULIAN: Yeah, One-eye, great name, the oldest ThunderClan cat--

PAZ: Okay, One-eye's name is like One, and then there's like a little dash, eye. Why is he allowed to...

JULIAN: I guess he has a hyphen because otherwise it would be two E's in a row, which is awkward to read.

PAZ: Maybe. Maybe.

LIZ: Or maybe it's his surname, and he double barreled with...

PAZ: Why does he get a special name?

LIZ: He's the oldest one.

PAZ: Okay, true.

JULIAN: When you get old enough, you get bestowed a hyphen.

LIZ: Yeah. You have to-- with every decade, you get access to one more piece of punctuation.

PAZ: Oh shit.

JULIAN: But he goes like, oh, what do you think you're doing up there?

LIZ: Well, he is very old, so it would sound like [creaky voice] What do you think you're doing up there, young man?

JULIAN: You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't do a good voice. [creaky voice] Warriors these days.

PAZ: Could be a little bit of foreshadowing, you could say.

LIZ: You could say.

PAZ: You could say. Well, you know, at least Sandpaw-- okay, I said everyone was gone. But Sandpaw is still there.

JULIAN: That's true.

PAZ: Even though Bluestar refuses to make her a warrior for some reason, she's very competent, so.

JULIAN: When one girlboss falls, another must rise to take her place.

LIZ: It's like, oh, god, that's the episode title.

PAZ: It's very long.

JULIAN: The law of conservation of girlbosses? Is that shorter?

PAZ: Yes, thank you.

LIZ: Is there cat sexism?

PAZ: I don't think so. I don't really remember that.

JULIAN: I don't think so.

LIZ: Maybe not. Maybe there's like--

JULIAN: There's not really in-world sexism aside-- like there's not sexism. There is like un... the role of queens is...

LIZ: The biological essentialism.

PAZ: But yeah, there's not like, like, like, sexism really. I feel like--

JULIAN: No one's like, oh, Bluestar's a girl.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: I feel like there's a lot of male leaders but I think-- I don't know, that's just like, what happened, I guess.

JULIAN: I think that's the bias of the authors and like not any intentional in-world...

LIZ: That's an author.

JULIAN: And like, you know, the authors are all women. But, you know, we live in a society.

LIZ: Yeah. It is very funny that like, girl character, plucky girl student character does not get promoted, just as a consequence.

PAZ: I need to know if there's an explanation for why this is happening, because it's so funny.

LIZ: There has to be because it keeps getting pointed out.

JULIAN: I think we're gonna get to it. There's certainly an explanation for like, why Bluestar is, um...

PAZ: Yeah, I sort of know about that.

LIZ: Well, I don't cause I haven't read this yet. But okay.

JULIAN: Sorry to be like heh heh heh.

PAZ: That's the basis of our podcast though.

LIZ: It is.

JULIAN: Girlboss starts to behave weirdly. You'll never guess what happens next.

LIZ: Can I give you some theories?

PAZ: Oh, sure.

JULIAN: Yes, please.

LIZ: Um, so have you ever seen Men in Black?

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Yes.

LIZ: So you know the alien that's like a guy, but it's actually a very little guy in a human guy suit.

PAZ: Yes.

LIZ: I think Bluestar, in the middle, was abducted for political reasons, and they replaced her with a little Bluestar replicant.

PAZ: Damn.

LIZ: Another reason may be that she's being mind... well, actually that's the same thing. I was gonna say like by a weird cat parasite, but that's kind of the same premise. Evil twin?

JULIAN: I was gonna say Bluestar's toxoplasmosis. But um.

PAZ: Yeah, they do that to us, not.

JULIAN: Yeah, I don't think it goes the other way around.

LIZ: Yes, that's it. I think that's it.

PAZ: Great, thank you.

LIZ: Evil twin or teeny alien.

PAZ: That's the only explanations. I don't know. I don't know if I have much else to add.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think we really kind of, we covered it.

LIZ: Join us next week to see Fireheart flush out the alien controlling Bluestar's politics.

PAZ: I'm trying to decide if we'll just finish out the book next time or what.

LIZ: I think it's five chapters, right? We could just finish it.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, if it ends up like... it's five chapters. If we go through it chronologically and it ends up being like a super long episode, we can...

PAZ: Roll with it or do something. I don't know.

JULIAN: Yeah it seems like we've hit the--

PAZ: Climax, kind of.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Okay. Well, yeah.

LIZ: Just be special extra long for a finale.

JULIAN: Yeah, there you go. Big finale episode.

PAZ: That's what we planned.

LIZ: FATT-style, join us for a four-hour long finale.

PAZ: No. Yeah, I don't have a segment planned because I knew we were gonna have a long discussion this week.

JULIAN: Yeah. I think we kind of talked about a lot this week.

PAZ: Did you-- did you have something?

LIZ: [emphatically] No.

PAZ: Okay. Well then.

LIZ: We could plan out some more of my Onewhisker/Fireheart political marriage of convenience AU.

PAZ: Yeah, you wanna end on that? You wanna give us some thoughts?

LIZ: I mean, just going from canon characterization, I think Fireheart's going to spend a lot of time being like wow, Onewhisker's really friendly and competent. What a good acquaintance.

PAZ: Oh no. Fireheart oblivious in this case.

LIZ: I also think he'll have some sort of major political social faux pas in the middle.

PAZ: Of course.

LIZ: Which is the crux of the conflict. But he's so darn personable because he's got that protagonist personality.

JULIAN: Onewhisker and his charming himbo spouse.

PAZ: Tallstar orchestrates this, of course.

JULIAN: Yes, of course.

LIZ: Tallstar's like okay, you guys need to have a conference about fish trade right now. The two of you only, in the idyllic meadow. Here's a picnic basket.

PAZ: Oh my god, there was only one cat bed.

LIZ: There was only one pile of leaves.

JULIAN: Oh, I love it.

LIZ: There was only one emergency rat sewer.

JULIAN: Oh. Fireheart trying to prove that he's gonna be a good member of his new clan and just hunting a lot. Bringing back a lot of rabbits.

LIZ: Onewhisker finds just like, oh my god, what's something comically large? Like a deer at the foot of his door or whatever. What do you do with this?

PAZ: Okay, is there cat royalty in this au? Or what's the political situation?

LIZ: We could go--

JULIAN: Onewhisker is the deputy, so he's like the heir. Not really, but you know.

LIZ: Maybe they're just like high ranking diplomats.

PAZ: I see.

JULIAN: Yeah, it's like Tallstar can't marry a cat from another clan because that would be too, like, too much.

PAZ: Also Tallstar still pining after his star-crossed romance with Jake, of course.

JULIAN: Of course.

PAZ: He sees--

JULIAN: So two reasons.

PAZ: He sees himself in Fireheart and Onewhisker's relationship.

LIZ: Oh, I see. Also, Bluestar is a lesbian, despite her girlbossification.

JULIAN: Yeah. Lesbians can be girlbosses.

LIZ: You're right, you're right.

PAZ: That's so true.

LIZ: It's equality.

JULIAN: We can be just as bad as straight people.

PAZ: Heard it here first, folks. Proud of it. Maybe Bluestar's parents were killed by dalmations. That explains--

[laughter]

That explains her situation.

LIZ: God.

JULIAN: I think Tallstar should get to have a good heart to heart in which he explains to Fireheart that Onewhisker is in love with him.

PAZ: So true.

JULIAN: Cause Fireheart is too dumb to see it himself. And Tallstar is like this can't happen again. We can't have another Jake.

PAZ: Fireheart's like, surely there's no feelings here because of our arranged marriage. Oh, I'm so sad.

LIZ: How can Onewhisker possibly fall for me, a protagonist cat with anime hero hair that everyone admires, and who's extremely accomplished, and apparently friends with everyone unless they super hate me?

PAZ: No, but he's a kittypet, Liz.

LIZ: You're right. He's like, but I'm just a kittypet.

JULIAN: Does Onewhisker also have anime bangs?

PAZ: Of course.

JULIAN: Okay, good.

LIZ: Oh, they're in the other direction. So it's like parallels.

JULIAN: Oh, so they match.

PAZ: I see.

JULIAN: [laughing] So when they kiss it forms a perfect bowlcut.

PAZ: Wow. Love is real.

LIZ: You complete my stylish fringe.

JULIAN: I'm imagining like, I don't know if y'all have seen Taemin's like perfect circle bowl cut from like, early Shinee era.

PAZ: I feel like I remember seeing it.

JULIAN: You may have seen-- I think one of our friends has posted pictures of it. It's just a real circle.

LIZ: Oh my god. I see it.

JULIAN: Yeah, if you just search Taemin bowlcut, it'll come up.

LIZ: Oh my god, it's seamless.

JULIAN: Yeah, just a perfect orb.

LIZ: I'm just gonna paste it in chat.

JULIAN: That's what I'm imagining when they come together.

LIZ: This is a child. It's a young lad.

PAZ: Oh my god. It looks fake. It looks fake. That cannot be his real hair.

LIZ: It's a mushroom.

JULIAN: Sorry, for people who are not in our Discord server, Liz has just posted this in our critiques-to-read channel.

PAZ: Makes you think.

JULIAN: It really does make you think. Also I'm sorry if I'm blowing out the audio by laughing too hard.

PAZ: Yeah, same. Ooh, boy. Maybe we should call it there.

JULIAN: What a note to end on.

PAZ: Thanks for joining us this week, everyone. As always, you can listen-- wait, you're listening to the show right now. You don't need to know how to do that. You can find the show @staircast on Twitter.

LIZ: Well, what if they want to switch apps?

PAZ: Yeah, we're on other apps. If you want to switch it up, go ahead. You can find the show @staircast on Twitter. You can send questions and stuff to [email protected]. Join us next week. We'll be finishing out Fire and Ice. Who knows what will happen? But until next time, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

PAZ: [outro music]

LIZ: Need to Photoshop this onto Fireheart.

JULIAN: Please do so that we can tweet it.

LIZ: It'll be really easy. It's just one shape.

PAZ: Let's clap.

LIZ: No gaps.

JULIAN: Should I have Craig join?

PAZ: Oh yeah, maybe.

JULIAN: Just in case.

PAZ: Yeah, we can see how it works, too.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: [startled] Ah!

JULIAN: Oh, geez, hi Craig.

LIZ: Oh my God.

PAZ: Craig, that is scary.

LIZ: I think Craig's gonna betray us because he's an evil AI.

PAZ: Yeah we're about to be in 2000: A Space Odyssey.

JULIAN: Craig was Tigerclaw this whole time.

PAZ: Oh shit.

LIZ: Oh god.

PAZ: What if Tigerclaw's name was just Craig?

LIZ: That has like evil manager energy.

PAZ: That's basically what he is in this book. That is his vibes in Fire and Ice.

JULIAN: Craig-- or Tigerclaw, loudly: if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!

PAZ: God.

JULIAN: Enemy of the people, Craig.

LIZ: Craigslist, but it's his list of murder victims.

PAZ: Well, his list of attempted murder victims would be pretty high, pretty long.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Okay, but I will do the intro.

JULIAN: Oh, should we do time.is?

PAZ: Oh fuck.

#ep 14 #fire and ice ep #transcript #brokenstars polycule

0 notes

dat-town · 6 years

Text

A love forgotten

Characters: Chanyeol & You

Setting: delirium au

Genre: angst

Summary: Living in a world in which love is prohibited, you are lucky enough if you get along well with your assigned spouse but falling in love with them? That’s the biggest mistake of all.

Words: 2.1k

For @lily-blue. I know you requested it a long time ago so sorry for the wait but I hope you like it!

Pain in the chest, throat, or stomach

Difficulty swallowing and breathing

Erratic behaviour

Violent thoughts and fantasies

Hallucinations and delusions

These are the severe symptoms during the third phase of amor deliria nervosa, a deathly disease hunting for you from the moment you reach the verge of adulthood. You have been taught both in school and at home how to diagnose it and that you absolutely, without exception have to report it to authorities if you see anything suspicious that might be caused by this absolutely horrendous disease.

You saw the way it changed people, totally turned them inside out, you saw the damage it did on families and the society itself. Yet, you know nobody can feel themselves falling ill until it’s too late because of this delirious feeling heavy on their chest. It’s like cancer, spreading fast but rather than infecting your health, it’s affecting your brain and sanity. Once it gets you, you can’t think straight. That’s the only sensible reason for not caring about being sick, for thinking that being in love is a majestic and blissful emotion instead of begging for the cure. When you catch cold, you take vitamins and drink tea then why don’t you now? Why are you questioning the society and the core idea of its system?

Love is wrong. That's what they said and you believed it wholeheartedly, without doubt. You heard the stories and you were so afraid that it would cause your downfall, too. But now, with a three-pronged needle against your neck, you can't find it in you to deny this feeling. This mistrust against your own government, their methods and their lies.

Love is wrong, they told you but now, you know better.

Just a month before getting the Cure, the mandatory brain surgery after you turn eighteen, you were notified who will be your future husband based on the evaluations of your government. The white envelope containing all kind of data of your future someone makes your throat close up in nervousness as you open is hastily. You take a big breath before pulling out the printed paper about your result, his results and the proof of your compatibility. Most of your approved matches ranked with 8 points out of 10 just like you did during your evolutions so obviously, you thought that the "winner" would one of those guys. However, your heart skips a beat when you see the name of the 7 points guy. Park Chanyeol.

The name itself is familiar; you don’t even have to check on his picture to know who he is. You know him from Chemistry class. He’s tall, smart, looking a bit nerdy with his thick framed glasses but utterly cute when his ears redden in embarrassment. He’s a nice guy, he will probably get a good job and you two can buy a pretty house in a nice neighbourhood. The perfect husband. Not like you had any say in it but you were okay with your chosen one and you hoped he feels the same.

Little did you know that Chanyeol had been sick ever since you helped him pick up a few dropped books in the corridors and looked into his eyes with your mouth curved into a shy smile...

Boys and girls are segregated from birth in everyday life. The government doesn't like taking risks so they try to minimize every possible interaction between the opposite genders. However, your town, being pretty small, only has one high school and one Chemistry teacher so an all-boy and all-girl class is hardly an economically reasonable thing to do. It doesn't really matter anyway. The surveillance system keeps an eye on the students and the principle basically knows everything you do so it isn't possible to even talk with guys outside of the class without teachers accompanying you to the head teacher's office.

So meeting and actually talking with Chanyeol outside of class was a first when your parents set up a date for you after the announcement of your match. Since both of you were scheduled to go to university based on your points, your wedding’s date was set after your bachelor degree graduation. It seemed like a long time but you were glad that you would have time to adjust to a life with him before actually marrying him. Not that you had any other choice. There was no such thing as breaking up or divorcing in a world like yours. Those scary words only existed in rumours because all of these worthless, painful feelings were washed away by one single stink of a needle. No more sweaty palms and erratic heartbeat waiting for a boy to arrive and sit down with you over a nice dinner.

Real salvation.

You wore your prettiest dress with a purple ribbon around it but ended up being so embarrassed about putting so much effort into this that you left your hair messy just to compensate. However, Chanyeol arrived in a suit and with a bouquet of flowers and he was being a blabbering, blushing mess as he couldn’t find the words to compliment your outfit. "Thanks," you smile at him shyly, saving him from further suffering. Both of you were so nervous, however, while Chanyeol could barely utter a sentence to order food, you couldn’t shut up. You went on and on about childhood memories, future plans, favourite activities and interests and finding out that you did actually have a lot in common was kind of nice. He started to open up when you talked about music and you enjoyed breaking down his shell. Going on a few dates with him before being officially paired up by some authority was maybe your parents’ best idea ever. By the time, you asked for the bill, you were far from being awkward strangers.

"Can... When can I see you again?" Chanyeol asked and even though he towered over you in height, it didn't feel belittling at all. The way he looked down at you, the stars glittering in his orbs made you want to stand up to your toes and… And what? The thought itself was ridiculous.

"Tomorrow. At Chemistry," you smiled cheekily, nibbling on your lower lip and the boy laughed light-heartedly but genuine. He had a really nice laugh, you mused with your heart pounding. "You know what I mean," he pouted and you giggled. Of course, you knew.

So for the next date, Chanyeol brought a guitar and he took you to the park to have a picnic. It was perfect and for the time being, you had the name of your evaluators in your prayers because you were really grateful. The pair of you two really fit. Still, you didn't talk about marriage and other ‘important’ stuff but both of you enjoyed each other’s company. Even your acquaintances said you are a match made in heaven. So why did the compliment taste bitter for you?

The answer didn't come easy but eventually you had to accept the truth: that you didn't want your relationship being fabricated by laws and regulations. You wanted spontaneity, real feelings and ah, the fantasies of a young adult. You were being selfish for wanting all that.

But you were not the only one selfish…

“Do you think everybody feels like this?” you dared to ask The Question out loud while leaning onto Chnyeols frame during a movie. You could feel his bony body going rigid under yours and your breath hitched as his was trembling.

“Like what?” he wanted to know the details, asking carefully not to scare you but the big question marks in the air were already doing their job. You mind ran overdrive: What if he will report you for acting strangely, for talking about feelings, for getting intimate and holding his hand during the family dinner last time? But the scariest question of them all: what if he doesn't feel the same?

Maybe it was really the sickness, this panicky feeling choking you and suddenly, you couldn’t breathe. Tears pricking your eyes you had to stand up, detaching your body from Chanyeol’s and you wanted to run very far away.

But just before you could get away from him, Chanyeol grabbed you by the elbow and gently tugged back to face him. You looked down bashfully, not being able to meet his eyes, not until you felt his breath fanning over your cheek.

“You meant this fever every time we touch? Or the flowers that bloom in my heart just by seeing you smile? Or maybe the dreams about you and missing you even if I just saw you?” he whispered against your hot skin and you couldn't help but shiver. Your heart was screaming yes, yes, yes eagerly but you felt like fainting because your brain knew you shouldn't have felt this way. Something unexplainable took over you and pressing closer, you brushed your lips against his feeling the touch of a kiss (something only Cured people are allowed to do) and ah, breaking the rules has never tasted so sweet.

You were in love, you didn’t even wanted to deny it but the society wouldn’t ever accept that. So you planned to run away with Chanyeol, living outside of the walls, in the land of Invalids and Uncureds. You were supposed to act like you were nothing more but an assigned couple until the day of your surgery came. The Cure that would taken your feelings away. Once it seemed like salvation, now it was a nightmare. You didn’t want to lose this, whatever it was you and Chanyeol had.

Your escape plan was perfect: meeting up for a dinner the day before your big day, because it was nothing surprising by now and then, just before curfew you would take a walk around the neighbourhood. When the clock hit ten, you both would have grabbed your stuff and made a run for it. Together for a now life.

No matter how careful you were, somebody was bound to notice the changes, you just didn't expect your own sister betraying you like this. Calling the guards on you just before your date.

“No, please, I swear I’m not sick,” you shrieked at the guards grabbing and tossing you towards the door. Ugly sobs shook your whole body.

“How could you?” you yelled at you sibling standing in the corridor holding the backpack you prepared for running away in her hands.

“It’s for your good. You are sick, they will cure you. Everything will be fine,” she tried to soothe you, eyes sad and disappointed, but it only mad you want to throw up.

“No! You might just kill me with this,” you were mumbling as they took you away to force the procedure on you.

The hospital is ugly and smells weird. The room’s wall are white where you are and tied to a chair you sit still while doctors and guards are gathering around you. It's almost funny, six adult men making sure that you don't do anything stupid with your 154cm. You have no idea what they are waiting for, not until the door burst open and they bring Chanyeol in, too.

“No,” you scream helplessly watching as they tie the drugged boy to the chair next to you just like they did with you. You can barely move but you manage to grab his hands and that makes him turn towards you. You see your own emotions mirrored in his grieving dark eyes as you try to fight back but it’s in vain. You are outnumbered by the guards holding you down firmly, not letting you go as the doctors work.

“I love you,” Chanyeol confesses suddenly, but with his cracked voice it sounds more like a goodbye.

“I love you, too,” you turn your head towards him, tears already rolling down your face.

You are holding hands, as tightly as you can while the surgeons inject the serum into both of your skin, just under your right ears. Your heart is beating like a drum, panicked, excited, sad and in love. Yet, they just call you lovesick and want to cure you. What cure, you laugh dryly as you let your hand fall and welcome the darkness.

Next time you open your eyes, the void of feelings greets you, the absolute emptiness and looking at the boy still asleep next to you feels like meeting a stranger. With hazy memories you glance around the hospital room, hand itchy and when you look down on it you see one single scribbled sentence written with ink on your palm.

Please, fall in love with him again.

Huh, what a stupid, dangerous thing to write, you think to yourself and hurry to wash it down before anybody sees. Too bad you can’t erase it from your mind whenever you look into your fiancé’s emotionless eyes.

#kkreationsnet #angstykpopnet #exo scenarios #exo oneshot #chanyeol x reader #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol angst #stories

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justadadonthenet · 7 years

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Loser’s Club as camp half blood kids hc

(These are terribly organized I’m so sorry, all under the cut)

Stan: deffo an Athena kid, look at that little logic man and tell me he’s not Athena. He would be extremely talented on the battle field but would rarely want to fight (besides, why do that when he could command his battalion in capture the flag) and he somehow befriended an owl in his third year at camp and it’ll do whatever he wants (including keeping richie in check)

Ben: also in the Athena cabin, but one of the softer of them. Always wins when they’re tasked with a building competition cause he actually reads up on what types of structures work best,,he would develop and design all of the Athena cabin weaponry and would specially design stuff for stanley. Their cabin is the coolest one because Ben is always reconstructing as needed, and it’s never too full because he has somehow developed a building that expands as needed, but only on the inside. This kid is fucking gifted.

Mike: Jesus imagine my boy mike as a Persephone kid that’s the cutest shit I’ve ever seen,,,persephone kids are almost as rare (if not more) than big three kids, so he lives in the Demeter cabin. the whole camp would adore him and the wood nymphs would love talking to this ~one~ boy because he has major respect for all parts of nature,, he would grow lil flowers to give to everyone and would make flower crowns for bev,,and although he is a little flower child he takes capture the flag VERY seriously if he’s up against his Losers. (The wood nymphs love doing favors for him such as tripping richie and taking bev’s sword right out of her hand)

Richie: holy fuck he would definitely end up head of the Hermes cabin (somehow) and he would be worse than the Stoll brothers combined,,,don’t ask how he managed to acquire a dildo tree or get a Trojan horse to camp without anyone noticing, he’s also ~conveniently~ part messenger god, which makes sending pranks to people even easier (also imagine the first time he tries to use the winged converse y i k e s there was definitely a face plant in there)

Bill: listen,,,,he would definitely be a Zeus kid if he wasn’t such an angery piece of shit,,, so you better believe he is one of the softest Hades kids to ever enter that camp,,,when he got bored he’d summon cool rocks and shit. As soon as he hears of Nico being able to summon the dead he pesters him into teaching him, learning extremely quickly how to summon spirits. Every once in a while the losers cant find bill, cause he’s sitting in a hidden cave he managed to create, talking to Georgie

Bev: listen my fiery girl would obviously be an Ares kid. She may be the nicest in the cabin, but you’re dead wrong if you think for a second she wouldn’t beat your ass if provoked. Her and Stan definitely have a friendly rivalry in capture the flag (or any battle-related activity, for that matter.) she loves her bf Ben but she can’t help but coaxing the latest Athena cabin weaponry plans out of him. Ben goes to mush as soon as Bev talks to him, and every thought he had of keeping the developments to the cabin goes out the door with one look into those eyes. Coincidentally, next week’s capture the flag battle is between Ares and Athena, and Ben is completely lost as to how the Ares cabin somehow had counter measures for all of their weaponry,, he’d been planning them for months, and had picked through all of the Ares cabin’s tactics previous to this, how did they know? Let’s just say stan was HEATED

Eddie: okay with an idiot of a boyfriend like richie (who constantly forgets where he sets up traps during capture the flag) eddie needs to be able to fix his boy. He may not seem like an Apollo boy other than the fact that he’s wicked good at being camp medic, but he’s getting pretty dialed in on his foresight (even though it only consistently reaches about an hour into the future.) still, this makes fixing up his idiots easier, as he knows exactly what to pack in his magic fanny pack (think Leo’s tool belt) before every capture the flag (even though he no longer needs it, after realizing that it wasn’t his drugs healing him but his own abilities). After LOTS of practice, Eds walks up to richie, touches his forehead, and richie fucking loses his shit because h o l y s h i t why is everything so blurry??? Before taking his glasses off and crying because everything is in focus

Also:

-bill and mike always help in developing the area for the capture the flag games and make sure it’s aesthetically pleasing, interesting, and different from the last time

-SHIT AND MIKE AND THE DEMETER CABIN MAKE CORN MAZE CAPTURE THE FLAG FOR FALL (complete with spooky scares from the grain nymphs)

-most of the hades kids come and go, so billiam is alone a lot in his cabin, making the hades cabin basically the loser’s cabin for sleepovers

-(bill also sleeps in the Athena cabin a lot cause of the immense space and his bf)

-Eds discovers his poetic abilities when sitting with Ben and trying to think of what to say to ask rich out

-Eds definitely also helps richie write songs

-richie is a large lanky boy but somehow kicks ass when they have track events (its one of the only places he doesn’t trip)

-his biggest threat? Billiam, aka lanky boy #2

-“it’s not fair, he can literally influence the track and make my lane turn into sand!” “S-step up your p-prank game, tozier”

-richie replaces bill’s shoes with some winged ones and Jesus Christ he’s never laughed as hard as he did when bill hit the side of the big house as soon as the race started

-eddie never really pursues his artistic abilities but one time rich has a bad night and sends Eds a message to meet him at the hades cabin (bill is with Stan) and he finds richie panicking over a nightmare so he starts singing to richie and holy shit richie was crying but not cause of his nightmare

-mike always brings flowers to the medics tent and brings some of each patients’ favorites to put at their bedside

-mr d cannot stand richies existence sometimes but all of that is forgotten when richie somehow gets him some ancient bottle of wine that d hasn’t seen in millennia

-whenever eddie sees richie’s laugh or smile the camp gets a lil brighter for a second

-sometimes mike goes and sits with bill while he’s talking to Georgie. He helped him with hiding bill’s little spot, can also (to an extent) contact the dead, and bill trusts him immensely. Bill loves the losers but most of the time he just wants to talk to Georgie alone. When he does invite the losers to come talk, they don’t go to bill’s spot

-I can’t help but imagining mike making all of the losers little flower crowns made of assorted flowers and all of them match the person

-richie has so many laurel wreaths from mike due to his immense list of track records

-they think bill was conceived while the gods were battling with their second self, because he was claimed by hades but has the ability to conjure metals and jewels like Pluto (which is super uncommon when you’re Greek)

-(of course he gets his bf’s cabin some of the best metals for weapons)

-richie somehow gets all of the Good Shit from the outside world into the camp. Nintendo switch? Stan buys it off of him the first day rich has it (along with all the Mario games that comes with it.) cigarettes? Him and Bev share those. Books from libraries across the world? Ben is still amazed as to how richie gets a hold of some of the Ancient Greek texts he sells him but he’s not complaining.

-Eds sometimes misses his boyfriends stupid glasses, so richie finds some hipster glasses and wears them sometimes

-sometimes Eds wishes he had better luck with curses bc sometimes his boyfriend needs to shut the fuck up

-richie and Bev live at camp year round, while bill and Ben often return home, eddie has to go home every break (no matter how short), and mike and stan only goes home on the really long ones

-mike also helps Eddie with finding certain medicinal herbs (richie of course finds the medical marijuana eddie is keeping hidden in his fanny pack)

-instead of “your mom” jokes richie now makes jokes relating to Percy (with only the occasional jokes about mrs k) because come on he’s now the camp mom

-“wait eddie this is so gross that we’re dating cause we’re related” “fuck off richie” “gives me more of a reason to date your mom”

-eddie always makes sure Bill gets enough sunlight,,,that kids depressed enough he needs some vitamin d

-Stan’s owl friend always watches the cabins during the night, and when he sees richie setting trip wires and such on the playing ground, alerts stan

-eddie teaches richie guitar, which he picks up on quickly. It’s one of the only things his Hermes dexterity applies to, and his lankiness gives him a little bit of an advantage

-reddie is the musical power couple that everyone loves during campfires, although Eddie objects every time until richie literally pulls him to the middle of the circle with Eddie on one knee and his guitar on the other

-they have WiFi thanks to richie

-richie sets up sensors on all the cabin doors on April first and the first door to be opened (bill’s) sets off speakers in all the cabins, blasting Africa by Toto at full bass and full volume

-let’s just say eddie didn’t talk to him for four days because WHY WOULD TOU DO TJAT RICHARD

-“wait bill can you have blue fire hair like hades in Hercules??” “Richie I s-swear to god”

-eddie purposely makes it sunny all the time cause he loves the way the sun shines in Rich’s hair and gives him lil freckles :,,,,)

-Ben appreciates the sun too because bev’s hair looks like fire and she gets so many freckles

-Percy stays at camp during breaks cause he knows how lonely it can get and it always helps for richie to have one more friend while most of his are gone

-he adopts richie cause he sees a little bit of himself in that little shithead (and he may use him to long-distance pester Jason with letters rigged to spew water at him as soon as he opens the envelope before pulling out a soggy piece of blue paper that says “hope you’re not missing us too much in California”)

-Annabeth ADORES Ben and Stanley, she basically adopts them as her kids cause Ben is an intelligent little softie and stan is equally intelligent (although in battle strategy rather than crafting)

-Ben loves it when annabeth visits cause he has someone to show his architectural plans to and help him revise them

-Ben gets SUPER good at architecture, so good in fact that he’s literally hired at age sixteen to help in construction in Olympus

-Hermes learned from his mistakes of neglecting his kids, and is sure as hell to visit and talk to richie and the others as often as he can, especially Richie because of his family history

-after the Athena cabin’s plan backfire, stan gets richie’s assistance in payback (he gets the Hephaestus cabin to create weapons that look exactly like the Ares cabins’, but turn into a mini metal figurine of richie doing finger guns as soon as the capture the flag buzzers go off)

-Bev has a rage in her eyes that hasn’t been seen since they defeated IT, and sweet sweet Ben has to hold her back and (try) to calm her down until bill can come in and make her pass out

-she wakes up kicking and screaming with her entire cabin giving up at blocking her from the door and parting like the Red Sea as soon as they see a red glow surrounding her

-this is the one time bill allows a third loser into his cave hiding place, as nobody knows where it is (he made richie pass out as well before taking him into the cave to protect him from the Wrath of Beverly)

-Bev finally calms down (eddie may have put that medical marijuana to use in some special tea he’s formulated)

-mike sometimes just goes and sits in the forest if he can’t sleep. He loves how it looks at night, and how many odd creatures are roaming around

-he meets Grover one night, and they instantly become great friends

-Grover figures out that one of the wood nymphs has a crush on mike, and plays match maker

-the losers notice mike going to the forest more frequently, and while walking back into camp, little patches of flowers grow in his footprints

-when they start dating, mike likes to make his girlfriend’s tree bloom, and changes the color and type of flower each time

-they’re adorable and everyone loves them

-he protects her tree with all costs, as its life is tied to hers

-mr d has definitely found richie in his underwear and a camp Jupiter shirt passed out on the steps of the big house at 6 in the morning, with Richie holding a bottle of fireball

-richie was put on pegasus shit duty for a week, and Eddie refused to rid him of his immense hangover

-somehow richie gets a cat into the camp, its the camp pet and rich always brings it into the med tent to cheer up injured and sickly kids

-the cat mainly lives there, but it goes to bill’s cabin a lot for peace and quiet

-listen,,, the cat would totally have some horrible name that richie makes up like mr noodles and mr d would be so confused as to who mr noodles could be

-Ben my sweet boy and Stanley sometimes sit with mike in the forest during the day. Mike and stan watch the birds, and Ben reads more of the books rich has smuggled in

-richie tozier makes it his goal to get as many aphrodite kids after him as possible (eddie acts like he hates it but knows his idiot would never leave him)

-literally half the Aphrodite cabin is in love with him, and the other half isn’t interested in guys

-richie gets mike to give him assortments of flowers, and brings them to Eddie in the medics tent every morning

-it’s basically like an alarm cause every day, without fail, the sun will shine a little too brightly at 8 am

If you took the time to read all this you’re a Saint and I appreciate you

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justinrasmussen · 4 years

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Quick Natural Cure For Bacterial Vaginosis Stunning Cool Tips

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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341: Q&A With Katie: Motivation, Magnesium, Homeschooling & Parenting Teens

New Post has been published on https://healingawerness.com/news/341-qa-with-katie-motivation-magnesium-homeschooling-parenting-teens/

341: Q&A With Katie: Motivation, Magnesium, Homeschooling & Parenting Teens

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This podcast is sponsored by Jigsaw Health, my source for magnesium. You probably know, if you’ve read my blog, that magnesium is responsible for over 300 biochemical reactions in the body. It impacts blood pressure, metabolism, immune function, and many other aspects of health, including hormones. It’s known as the master mineral and it’s one of the few supplements I take regularly. And I have found a specific way to take it that works best for me in very specific forms because if magnesium is taken in the wrong way it can lead to digestive upset or if it’s taken too quickly it can cause all kinds of problems. So, I take two supplements. One called MagSRT which is a slow release form of the dimagnesium malate. The slow release technology makes it easier on the digestive system. So I don’t get any of the digestive disturbance that comes with some forms of magnesium. I take this form in the morning and at lunch. So, two capsules with breakfast, two capsules with lunch. And at night, I take a different product MagSoothe, which is magnesium glycinate which is magnesium bound with the amino acid glycine to help sleep. And in combination, I noticed the biggest effect from those two particular products. You can check them both out and save by going to jigsawhealth.com/wellnessmama. And the code wellness10 will give you $10 off any order.

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Katie: Hello and welcome to the Wellness Mama Podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com our new line of natural personal care products that work as well or better than their conventional chemical alternatives and you can check those out at wellnesse.com that’s wellness with an E on the end where we have hair care, toothpaste and now hand sanitizer available. In this episode, I am answering some questions that you guys submitted and going into detail on a few things that I got an especially a number of questions on including homeschooling, our power parenting differently now that we have teenagers, staying motivated, magnesium and a few others I hope will be a really fun episode. I would love as always to hear your feedback in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm and I can answer questions there. If there are any follow-up questions.

I also want to say a big thank you to all of you who filled out the podcast survey and gave feedback on things that I can improve with the podcast. Definitely took your feedback to heart and have a sign right now I’m looking at to remind me to speak more slowly. I know that’s something I struggle with. Also, will be playing with moving around and shortening the ads to hopefully provide a better experience that way. And I loved that you guys recommended having certain guests on for round two, which I often talk about but haven’t done with a lot of these guests. So thank you all for the honest feedback. It was extremely helpful. Without further ado, I’m just going to start reading some user questions and going into detail about how I handle them.

So from both Ruth and Mariana asked about homeschooling, how we figured out a curriculum, how we structure it, and if anything has changed now that we have older kids. And as a follow-up, Melinda asked, she said, “I heard that you homeschool. If so, can you give tips on how you choose curriculum? Give us the insight information on the early years. Also wondering how you made your decision to keep your kids home and create a culture of learning at home.”

And this is one of my favorite topics and I’m hopefully gonna be able to share some usable stuff today. I’m going to go deep on our whole system and kind of from the ground up how we built it. Also you can hear a lot of this in a podcast I did with my oldest son. Not specifically the homeschool side, but how it’s manifesting all the different things that we’re doing. With him now that he’s older. You probably have heard me talk about how I don’t really post about my kids on social media.

They’re not visible on the blog and their names have not been used and we wanted to give them the freedom to not have an online presence if they wanted to. We wanted it to be their choice. And now that he is 13 and has proven he’s incredibly responsible, we’re letting this be his decision. So he just released a cookbook, it’s called Chef Junior. I’ll put a link in the show notes if you want to check it out. But this is one of his first projects that’s been public facing. And so because of that, he’s chosen to have a social media presence and to be more publicly visible. But in the podcast I did with him, we talk about some aspects of homeschooling. We also talk about the entrepreneur program we do with them, which I’m going to talk about in a couple of minutes and just how his opinion of how all of this has been from his side.

So it’s kind of the balance to me just explaining the parent and teacher side of this. So that link will be in the show notes. If you want to check out that episode. It’s a pretty good compliment to this one. But in general, we started from scratch when it came to homeschooling, when our kids were about to hit school age. We didn’t want to just recreate regular school at home and I didn’t even just want to follow a curriculum and make a normal homeschool scenario. I tried to really step back and think through what actually is the best way to teach kids in today’s world. And I reconsidered all of the traditional methods because I feel like a lot of homeschool programs while they do offer a lot more flexibility and many certainly have their strengths they do kind of sort of build on the just the same system they teach in schools.

So when I say I questioned all of those things, I even questioned things like traditional grades, the traditional subjects and orders and even writing methods. If you have been a listener for a while or reader, you might’ve heard me mention the 80/20 rule and I definitely applied that here as well. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s basically the idea that 20% of inputs give 80% of the results. And in business, the flip is also true that often 80% of problems are caused by 20% customers. This plays out in a lot of different fields. But I wanted to see how this would apply to school. So basically figuring out what are the 20% of skills, subjects, etc., that they need to be successful as adults no matter what area they go into as an adult and focus on those as the core and then let them specialize beyond that.

And before I started building the practical side of a curriculum, I wanted to really map out the objectives. Like what are the key objectives that I want my kids to get to adulthood having intact. So I thought through what are the most important qualities that my kids are likely going to need as adults in today’s world. And I realized no matter what they decided to do, whether it be a more traditional educational path and our traditional career, or whether it be something entrepreneurial or something that doesn’t even exist yet. Because certainly what I do for a living did not exist when I was some of their ages. And so I wanted skills that would help them in any of those scenarios. And we honed in on the skills of critical thinking, creativity, innovation, ability to connect dots where other people don’t see them, the ability and willingness to question authority when needed and the foundations be able to learn new skills quickly. And we felt like those were things that could not easily be outsourced to technology and that would serve them in whatever area they decided to pursue.

We also wanted them to at least have the foundational skills to be entrepreneurs if they decided to. So on that note, we don’t prioritize college, but I wanted them to be able to get in easily if they wanted to. I didn’t know college was optional, truly until I got there and my kids will definitely have a different experience that way. But I’m not just teaching them skills that will get them to college. I’m not training them to be good test takers. Like I was trying to be a good test taker. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I wanted them to have the usable real life skills and being able to take tests and being able to get into college if they wanted to, to be just a secondary skill of that.

What I realized is that technology is rapidly changing work culture. So it’s impossible to know truly what their adult world will look like, especially for the little ones. And I thought about, like I mentioned, even in my life being a blogger and a podcaster, these things weren’t even options when I was six years old. So if someone had asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I wouldn’t have ever thought to think of them because they didn’t exist. So in a time where they might be living in a completely different world in 10, 12 years because of technology, how can I best prepare them for that constantly changing scenario? And it made me really reflect and ask, does a traditional school culture do that or do even most homeschool curriculums do this? And I found that for me at least, the answer didn’t seem to be that they did, or at least that there were better ways, to prepare kids for adult life that would still teach the things they needed to learn with, but in a way that maintained those core traits that were so important.

So I took the 20% of the 80/20 rule and I ran it through those criteria of maintaining those core traits. And I tried to figure out ways to teach it that met those standards. This was pretty easy at early ages because kids are naturally so curious and we of course wanted to maintain their natural curiosity. And so often it was as simple as answering their questions when they ask why or how or encouraging follow up questions and researching with them. So many times when they were little and still with the little ones, now they ask a question. I’ll say things like, I don’t know, but let’s research it together and find out. We spend a lot of time just researching random topics and learning and reading. We followed some basic programs for phonics and reading when they were really young just to help them make that jump.

But really also just read a lot with them when they were really little. From there I assembled the curriculum we use completely from scratch. I will also say that this is no small job with six kids and trying to individualize the curriculum to each of them. So my parents live nearby and my dad is a retired college professor. And it’s really helpful to have extra hands on deck. It’s been a tremendous advantage because my kids essentially have four teachers, which is really helpful when there are six of them. And they also, they have other teachers besides just me. But to get more specific because the questions from you guys were somewhat more specific. That’s kind of the overarching idea that we built on. And because of that, some of the things that we do differently, I think even then most homeschool curriculum one example we grade backwards and what I mean by that is we don’t start with a hundred and you lose points if you get something wrong.

We start with zero and we build, and this was very intentional because with my personality in school, like I said, I got really good at taking tests, but I viewed anything below a hundred as a failure. And I was scared to make mistakes. And I’m not saying that just traditional school grading was the reason for that. They were aspects of my personality that would have responded that way I think no matter what. But it was important to me. I didn’t want my kids to fear making mistakes and I didn’t want them to fear failure. And so I wanted them to be focused basically on a growth mindset versus being penalized for making mistakes. Because in real life you often grow and learn some of your best lessons from mistakes. And it’s in correcting mistakes that you often come to success. So we backwards grade let them start from zero and build up just so that it’s the growth focus versus the penalization for making mistakes.

We also don’t structure schoolwork to fill time, but the key objective is mastery of a topic. So they don’t just get worksheets to pass a certain number of hours per day and when they can demonstrate that any subject reliably that they understand it and have mastery of it, they can move on from that. They don’t have to stay with the concept once they’ve actually obtained the skill. And that also kind of ties in with the 80/20. It’s not about just filling time or just hitting eight hours a day. It’s about mastery of the subject. And that’s also incentivizing them to actually learn it versus just go through the motions. Based on one thing. I, in my own school, I don’t expect them to show their work a certain way, especially in things like math. If they can explain an answer and how they got there, no matter how they did it, then I let them count because I actually want them to think outside the box solutions.

And in that same line, if they can get an accurate answer in their head reliably and consistently without showing work, they don’t have to show the work. As long as that is very strongly, they are consistently getting the right answer. I also listen to them when they come with questions about a subject or want to move past a subject. I remember very clearly being in high school and having discussions with teachers about why do we have to do so many of these worksheets and why do we have to keep doing these drills and being told, well, you won’t always have a calculator with you. And I laugh now because we all do have our phones with us all the time and we have an incredible computer that sits in our back pocket all the time. And so again, try to keep in mind what is adult life going to likely look like for them. And how do you best prepare them for that?

So rather than focusing on fundamentals, how can we build on technology that will likely still be there? We also have unusual subjects but beyond the basic ones. So we do 80/20, and they do get the typical basic math and science and reading, etc. But we have new subjects. There’s one called topics and this is, it encourages them to research something new each day. And this is with the focus on maintaining curiosity and asking questions and it can be any topic. And so they might research boats or bananas or llamas or whatever it may be, but they learn these fun facts about different topics. And then it’s always fun, dinnertime conversation based on some of the fun things they’ve learned that day or my older son often is researching technology or environmental topics and have actually going deep on the science.

But our goal there was to kind of just mentally get them in a habit of always wanting to learn and pursue new things. And so they get time every day, just blocked off to read fun things that interest them. Also when they finish their work, they’re done for the day. We don’t follow a timeline, I alluded to that. But unlike a regular school, I don’t need them to sit in a desk from eight to three. So it’s about efficiency and if they can finish their work correctly more quickly, they’re done for the day and they can go then play outside, which we definitely encourage and play with their friends. We also do a lot of hands on and experiments and this is with that encouraging innovation and out of the box thinking. So whether it be things like trying to design some kind of contraption that would keep an egg from breaking when we throw it off the roof, whether it be physics or chemistry experiments.

And often we’ll do the experiment and then work backwards so they’ll see the thing and then have to figure out why it happened the way it happened. Or we do a lot of Socratic type things where like question asking and talking through it versus taking a test being like trying to be told there was one right answer. For a long time we took field trips once a week as well, so every Friday we would dedicate to going to a museum or a Marine center or even a business manufacturing plant somewhere they could learn something that was outside of their normal day and it was really fun just to talk to local businesses. They weren’t all by any means like a normal school field trip to get to go to places and see how things were made or how the inside of a business ran. That was something that I think was really impactful for them as well.

Another thing we do differently, both from a parenting perspective and this also crosses over into homeschooling, is we encourage them to question authority respectfully and even and especially me. So they’ll often hear me say, you know, ask questions, always ask questions when you’re told something, don’t take it at face value. And my oldest son, when he was younger, he said, even you, I should even question you? And I said, even, and especially me, because right now I represent authority in your life and if you can’t respectfully question me now or have the ability to cognitively do that, you won’t be able to do that in adult life when you need to. And of course, the respectful side, it’s always important there because in adult life that’s, that’s really important as well.

But I wanted them to get in the habit of not just when an authority figure told them something, not just taking it at face value, but being able to ask the why and the how questions to back up that answer and to think through it on their own. A practical tip, this came from a former podcast guest, Naveen Jain, who is an entrepreneur. He’s been, he’s started many companies and he has three adult children. Who are all doing pretty spectacular things. And so I asked him, what are some things that you did that you think helped give them the skills to pursue whatever they want to now pursue as adults? And what are some things that as parents we can do to help our kids develop those skills? And one piece of advice that he gave was to let them watch TED talks each morning.

And so we try to often let our kids watch three unrelated TED talks. And this goes toward that core value of wanting them to learn how to connect the dots and think outside the box. So kids are natural pattern recognizers and when you give them three topics or three videos that are unrelated, they’re still gonna try to find connections and correlation. And so we’ll have them watch three different TED talks. And TED talks are amazing in their own right because you have people who are the best in their field and this is their whole life work and they’re summarizing it into 16 minutes. So you’re getting incredible information in a very short amount of time. And by having them watch unrelated things are hoping that they start to see patterns where other people aren’t connecting the dots. So whether they’re watching a TED talk on mushrooms and something to do with the environment and some kind of technology. If those can be used somehow, synergistically, and one practical thing that came from this, you can hear more about it in my son’s podcast episode this week but we now have, he’s raising super worms in his closet in our house and other types of worms and larva and various phases in our garden. And I think this was maybe indirectly related to a TED talk, but he had a theory that these worms could be used to break down certain types of plastic that are not recyclable. And he explains it much better than I can, but it was the idea of connecting the dots where other people wouldn’t necessarily think to do that. And then being willing to experiment and take risks and see if it actually works.

I mentioned I wanted them to be able to go to college if they decided to. So I am teaching them the game of testing in case they decide to go to college. And to be clear, I do consider it a game. I was a really good test taker and it’s a completely worthless life skill for the most part. But like anything, there are systems and you can 80/20 test taking as well. And so my kids are taking the PSAT and they’ll take the SAT and the ACT, but they know it’s a game and I’m teaching them how to beat the game. But they don’t view this as an objective marker of their intelligence or their ability to do well in life. They view this as a game that they could beat and I really strongly feel that’s what it is. So if they want to go to college, they will be able to do that. But I won’t really encourage college unless they want to specialize in something that actually needs it like medicine or I guess accounting would be one thing that needs a degree and a license to be able to practice. That said if they also just want to go to college for the social side and they acknowledge that that’s why they want to go and they are willing to pay for it. I fully support that as well. I just don’t want them to go with the idea that I had that there’s no other options or that that’s going to be the only path to a career for them. We also try very hard to cater curriculum and treat every child individually because even just with six of them, they all learn so differently and some of them do wonderful on their own. Others need a little bit more one-on-one help or explanation. Some of them are incredible at art and extremely creative naturally whereas, a couple of them were extremely analytical and understand math and science, but art is a struggle. And so trying to cater the curriculum to them individually to play on their strengths but also challenge them and encourage them to get out of their comfort zone on their weaknesses.

As they get older, we also want to really encourage and help support them in whether we encourage, hopefully, them starting a business or if they want to learn a trade versus traditional college, start some kind of business venture. And so we are now with our older ones in the phases of kind of shifting school away from bookwork now that they’ve pretty much done that 20% of the central skills they need and into the hands on practice of whatever that’s going to be for them, whether it’s starting a business, etc. And one thing that came up this week that I loved my oldest was interviewed on another podcast as well. And one of the questions that came through from that podcast was, what do you want to be when you grow up? And he’s never been asked that question by us because we, we purposely avoid that one. We try to ask them questions like, what problems will you solve? Who will you help when you grow up? What hard questions will you answer when you grow up? But get them to think in that mindset versus like what traditional just job role are you going to fill? Because we don’t want them to feel like they’re defined by their job. And statistically they will likely have many careers or at least several. And it was really encouraging to hear him respond to that question on the podcast by saying, I don’t think that’s the right question to ask. Why do we have to be defined by a job? Why not ask, you know, some of those questions, what problems will you solve or who will you help? And so we fostered this by asking versions of those questions daily, even in small interactions with them. Like if there’s a disagreement between siblings instead of us and an acting and the law, we’ll start with questions of how can you solve this problem? How can you find an answer that’s mutually agreeable so that we don’t have to step in, there doesn’t have to be timeout or we don’t have to mitigate the situation. We also ask them questions like, everyday, what hard questions did you ask today? What did you fail at today? And what did you learn from that? What are you grateful for today? And some of the best parenting moments and lessons have come just from those little interactions with them that it’ll lead to the deeper conversations that you can’t ever fully just facilitate.

I’ve also mentioned before that we have a contract with our kids that before they can have a car or their own phone, they have to have a profitable business for a year. Does not mean it has to be a wildly profitable business, but it does have to be a business that they run that shows a profit for a period of a year. And we are helping them do this. We’ve built a business incubator of sorts where we’re not just obviously throwing them out into the world and telling them to start a business. We’re helping them do that because entrepreneurship is a really important key skill for us and so our older ones are beginning the phases of that now as they finish their traditional school. And that’s the reason we have things like worms in our closets where he’s growing that he’s also written the cookbook and he’s starting a podcast. Our oldest is and those all have the potential to be profitable and we’ll see how that plays out. He’s about a year and a half from being able to get a driver’s permit. So I think he’s motivated and we’ll see which one ends up being a profitable business. But our reasoning with that is, that some of these skills we want them to get to adulthood with can most easily be taught in a hands on way through learning how to run a business because you’re learning the financial side, which a lot of kids get to adulthood without having a clear idea of how to manage finances. Also the idea that it’s not just about revenue but profit and understanding how finances work, understanding how debt works and when it’s good and when it’s bad, but also just more day to day skills like consistency and having to show up when it’s hard and working through problems and working through risk adversity because I think a lot of kids, at least for me, I made it to college, afraid to take risks because I gotten good at the school model and entrepreneurship was a big jump for me and having to figure it out as I went. And so I wanted to give them all of the tools in our toolkit if they decided to do that.

I also got a question from Jamie. Are there any books or approaches for parenting/homeschooling that has been helpful to you for particularly for ages three and up? And how would you describe your parenting approach? I feel like our parenting approach probably has a lot of turnover with the things I’ve just explained for homeschooling. I do love the positive parenting solutions course. I recently interviewed her and that’s a great one. I’ll link to in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. I also love for the learning side to circle back on homeschooling. I love Jim Kwik’s information on rapid learning and maintaining creativity. He’s a really good resource. But as far as books that have helped for parenting I found that often the books that gave me the most applicable helpful information for homeschooling and for parenting were not parenting books at all. I was able to pull parenting lessons from them, but they were not designed to be parenting books in the least. Whereas some of the parenting books, often were just rules or systems that you should follow directly, versus actually how do you cultivate with each individual child, kind of those things that we talked about. So, I’ll link all these books in the show notes. These are some of the ones that I have found helpful. I have quite a few introverts. Well one of my kids. And there’s a really cool test called the Fascinate Test by Sally Hogshead and it kind of ranks you based on core motivations and like what drives you. And one of mine is mystique of just kind of like a more introverted private type of trait. And all of my kids got that, I think, from me. So I have a lot of introverts and I really liked the book, “Quiet the power of,” I believe it’s the “power of introverts in a world that won’t stop talking” or something along that lines. I will link it in the show notes. That was really helpful to me and learning how to parent my introvert kids without like shutting them down and with getting them to open up when they needed to and just interact with them most efficiently. So that, and, and also for introvert friends and it was also helpful just for myself as well.

“Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown was helpful, really helpful from a parenting perspective, it’s meant to be a leadership book but I think in a very real way, parents are leaders within the home. And that really helped me reframe how I was talking to my kids and fostering that communication in a way that made room for vulnerability and made room for them to talk to me. And that’s something that’s increasingly important as they get older. And as I find teenagers are not just as talkative at first glance as a four year old would be. So you have to find ways to really nurture that relationship and keep it strong.

I also like “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team” by Patrick Lencioni, of course a business book talking about business teams, but again, there’s crossover into family teams. And that one was helpful for me in just the management side and also the interpersonal side with the family. One that is more in the parenting realm that I liked was “Free Range Kids” and I’ve written before I can link in the show notes about kind of our approach to parenting in that way and not wanting to keep our kids inside very much, wanting them to be outside, to be able to take risks, to play outside.

And another one along that in that vein would be “The Happiest Kids in the World: How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (and Themselves) by Doing Less.” So those are the two probably parenting specific ones that I found personally helpful. From the learning one, there’s one called “Moonwalking with Einstein,” which I found really fascinating, just in developing our homeschool approach and also in trying to maintain that inherent curiosity in my kids. Simon Sinek “Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action.” Again, kind of thinking of parents as the leadership role in the house rather than a dictatorship role. I tried to think of that as instead of forcing my kids to take action, because in business, I don’t force my team to do anything. We all work together toward a common goal and everybody kind of knows what their roles are, but I don’t just yell at them and nag them and force them to do things. And so how could I inspire that same thing in my household? So some of these leadership books were really helpful in that method of how do I get my kids to want to be part of this team and to want to take action.

There’s also one called “Anything You Want: 40 Lessons for a New Kind of Entrepreneur.” Again, it’s an entrepreneurial book, but lots of crossover into leadership and parenting as well. Another parenting specific one is “No Drama Discipline.” I didn’t like everything about that book but I was able to pull some helpful tips from that one. And there’s a new one, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” and the “Conscious Parent.” Those were some that I have been able to pull some tips from.

I don’t agree with everything in any of those, but there’s some really helpful stuff in there. And then one of course I’ve mentioned many times before is “The Four Hour Workweek.” That’s where I first heard about 80/20. I followed Tim Ferriss for a long time and that book helps me in business. That also helped in just learning to think in that way of being efficient and effective and it applies to a lot within the home as well. So separate of all of those things, that was more the homeschooling and parenting side. I think something else is really important to our approach is that we prioritize things that help brain development through movement. And I’ve had Carol Garner Houston on this podcast. We can link to those as well in the show notes. But she talks about how basically today’s kids, a lot of times, are not doing enough of certain kinds of movements to fully develop their vestibular and their limbic systems and this can have crossover effects into school and make things harder for them.

And so we try to do things that or like encourage them to do things that how are movement based and that fully developed their limbic and vestibular systems. So things like pole vaulting, gymnastics, music, art, gardening, lots and lots of time outside playing, climbing trees, running, slackline, jumping, helping with projects around the house. So they’re learning how to use tools, which are an extension of the brain in various ways. And then we’ve set up a Ninja course in our backyard so they can do all of the running, jumping, climbing, hanging things that help with that aspect of kid development.

And then lastly, I also think one thing we probably do differently than a lot of parents may be, certainly in a lot of school, we don’t do the whole follow your passion or do what makes you happy or like I said, we don’t do a whole, what do you want to be when you grow up? With them, we try to focus on, even right now at your current age, what can you master that improves the world in some way? What can you right now become the top 1% in the world at and then build skills like that. So kind of teaching them the idea of mastery, which is a much more, I feel like effective goal than just getting through a school year or checking a box. And the idea of being in business as well. If they can keep that rapid learning ability whatever they decide to do in the future, they’ll have the tools to learn it and to execute and to hopefully master.

And then to circle back to Melinda’s question about why we decided to homeschool and create that learning culture at home. I explained this a little bit, but I just, I felt like a lot of things about our current educational, system would not accomplish those core objectives with our kids and it wouldn’t get them to adulthood with those core skills intact. And of course there are outliers and exceptions. I know there are many great schools, many great things about many curriculums that I’m not trying to downplay that at all, but for our family, we realized that we could create a stronger culture of learning at home. We were willing to kind of innovate from the ground up and do a lot of the things that we’re trying to teach them. And in some ways it’s also made things easier because it solved for a lot of variables in schools that we don’t have to kind of worry about whether it be school lunches not being as nutritionally optimal as many parents would like or the constant EMF exposure or waking up too early when there’s a lot of data saying teenagers should sleep in and that like, we really need to prioritize sleep for the proper development of a teenage brain.

So lots of reasons we went into that. Happy to talk about that more. If anybody wants to hear more in depth on that, you can leave questions in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm or always ping me on Instagram and I can do some follow-ups. A little bit related. SJ asked, “What are your food rules now with having teens?” And I love this question because it has changed for me a little bit over the years. I’ve written before about our basic food rules in general that they never have to eat if they’re not truly hungry. But there’s no complaining about food. We don’t use vegetables as a bribe for other things. When they’re little we try to encourage them to just try one bite of all of the different foods that are available and just see if they like it without the commitment of facing a whole plate of it.

And we focus on nutrients, not macros. We gear our food toward our genes. So I run all of our genes as a family and I cook for the family in a way that is supportive of all of our genetic factors. And then add in like some of our kids do better with more carbs, so I’ll add in rice or potatoes for them. And then we try to often eat together whenever possible. And then lastly, food is not a reward or punishment. It’s a fuel. So they don’t get bribed to eat something by eating something that’s “healthy.” And we’ve tried to just focus on family dinner. I often cook, although now the older ones are cooking more and more but the idea being my responsibility as their mom is to make sure that there’s nutrient dense food available for them when they’re hungry and their responsibility is to decide if they are hungry or not and if they’re gonna eat that food or not.

So I don’t force them to eat if they are not hungry or often that means if they’re being picky, they don’t have to eat, but they don’t get a separate meal just because they don’t like a certain food. So there’s no peanut butter and jelly sandwich because you don’t like what was cooked, but you’re welcome to wait until the next meal. We kind of joke that picky has another name in our house and it’s called fasting. But with teenagers there is the acknowledgement they do need more fuel, especially protein, especially things like greens to bind to excess hormones as they go through puberty and healthy fats to support all of the aspects of hormone and brain development that are happening because after the early infant and toddler years, the teenage years, it’s an intense phase of growth for them. So I did want to make sure we were being really cognizant of supporting them nutritionally.

So in those meals that we cook at home, I had lots of olive oil to their diets for the good fats. I work in greens whenever possible. They take a few key supplements that really seem to help. So I can link to these in the show notes. They take Just Thrive probiotics and K2-7. And then depending on their specific genes, they take a couple other things as well. I found with teenagers and pre-teens that very often, when grumpy, add food, so they do, especially when they’re working out, they do eat more often. We don’t typically do a lot of snacking between meals, but with them in these ages, I have been doing that a lot more. So I’ll always just keep like supplies of vegetables or healthy proteins, beef sticks. There’s a list of foods they know they can always eat that are pretty much protein and vegetable based.

And so if they’re truly hungry, they can always get those foods without having to come ask. I also think it’s important to remember with teens, that the goal of the teenage years is for teenagers to become independent and very soon they will have to make their own food choices. So I don’t ever want to demonize a food or make it a forbidden thing that they want more of because they can’t have it. I try to keep in mind that you certainly cannot control teenagers. It doesn’t work for two year olds and it certainly doesn’t work on teenagers. And so rather than trying to dictate food choices I try to approach that from a perspective of respecting their autonomy and giving them the tools to make good decisions, but not forcing what those decisions are. So I love to get them more involved in cooking at this age.

I mentioned that my oldest just wrote a cookbook with his friends and he is able to cook entire meals from scratch and he does this relatively often. In fact about once a week he has a lot of our neighborhood kids over. I think the most I’ve seen in my house was about 25 all working together to cook something from scratch. So he’s kind of actually teaching the younger ones as well, but he’s completely capable of cooking a meal from scratch and they do get more leeway if he wants to cook something on his own from scratch. Of course he gets to pick what it is and he gets more choice there. But I think at any age when you get kids involved in cooking, they have a vested interest in wanting to eat the food. And they’re also just more likely to, without complaining. For younger ones, I recommend the “Kids Cook Real Food” course from Kitchen Stewardship and I can link that in the show notes as well, but it’s a really good primer on all of the essential kitchen skills they need to eventually be able to cook entire meals. And then his cookbook as well is geared toward children so they can learn to cook by making recipes that they will love and get those kitchen skills as well. Just a few other core things. We almost always eat clean at home. So kind of in line with the 80/20 rule. I look at, we eat at home much more than 80% of the time actually. When we’re at home and I only have clean food available and then I don’t stress as much if we’re not at home. I educate when they ask and I, I also educate gently when it can be worked in without me trying to dictate their food choices.

But then beyond that, especially with teenagers, I don’t stress when they’re not home. So my kids can go to friend’s house and they might very well eat sugar and food dyes and gluten and all of those things. And I don’t, I try to control that when they’re not at my house because again, they’re going to be making all of their food decisions very quickly and they now having eaten the way we eat for their whole lives, they notice they don’t feel as well when they eat certain things and they almost always still make good food choices when they’re not home and when they don’t truly eating a few cupcakes or chips or whatever it may be, is not going to ruin them when they’re eating nutrient dense at home.

This episode is sponsored by EverlyWell – at-home lab tests that you can get without a doctor’s order! I’ve used many of their tests and can recommend a couple that have been especially helpful. They have an at-home allergy test for 40 of the most common allergens using the same CLIA-certified labs used by Allergists and Doctors. The labs are reviewed by an independent physician and this lab test measures IgE levels of common allergens including pet dander, mold, trees, grasses, and more. But you can do it at home with a finger stick. I also really like their food sensitivity tests that test for IgG reactions. This was a big key for me in my health recovery, as there were foods that didn’t show up as an allergy that were causing inflammation for me. I used an elimination diet as well, but this food sensitivity test also filled in the missing pieces of the puzzle for me. Through healing my gut, I’ve been able to remove all sensitivities except for eggs. Finding out I was highly sensitive to eggs made a huge difference as I ate them often as an inexpensive protein source. I feel so much better now that I don’t eat eggs and I would never have known that without this test! I also use their at-home Vitamin D test to keep an eye on those levels. Check out all of their tests at wellnessmama.com/go/everlywell and use code MAMA10 for 10% off.

A few other just teen related things. You asked about food rules, but a couple of things that I’m shifting in, just having teenagers is, like I said, the key objective for now as teenagers is them learning to be kind and self-sufficient and then to integrate as an adult soon.

So focus on those things versus control and rules. I know as a teenager I definitely did not enjoy rules and tended to push back on things. So I’m trying very hard to foster an environment where my kids don’t feel like they need to push back and they feel like they’re being listened to and understood. And again, check out the podcast with my son if you want to hear his take because this of course is me talking, but if you want to hear his honest feedback on that and it’s fun cause he actually questions me a couple of times in the podcast as well, but go listen to that one. One tip I got from the positive parenting solutions course that I mentioned is to use the phrase “convince me.”

So when they want to do something as teenagers that I feel is slightly beyond their ability level, instead of just saying no, I list my objections and then say, okay, now convince me. If you can come to me with a plan that addresses these objections and shows me that you can handle this in a responsible way, then I will listen with an open mind and I will consider it. So things like that, trying to make sure that they feel and actually realistically do have autonomy in any area that I can give it to them. Of course, actually listening to them versus just say no and enforcing rules right away, I think as a teenager, from what I remember, I desperately wanted to feel understood and heard. So trying to do everything I can to sure that my kids know, even in the times when I do have to say no, I’m listening and I understand and there are reasons why they can’t do this particular thing, but they can always come to me and I will always listen.

And as they get older, that’s making time for unstructured conversation. I’ve gotten advice from several parents of older kids that some of the best places for that are in the car because they don’t have to look right at you. So trying to take a kid with me on errands or just have time in the car. So if they want to talk about something, it’s a less stressful way or whether it be on a walk or just, I try to take different kids out for coffee once in a while, giving time where they can bring stuff up that they want, but there is no pressure. And then defaulting to letting them make decisions whenever possible. Encouraging them to have healthy friendships and supporting that. I feel like a lot of teenagers push back because friendships are important but psychologically that whole building into autonomy and developing social circles that does depend on friendships in the teenage years.

So rather than trying to fight them on having friends, encouraging them to have healthy friendships and to be the one, the place where they can all, they can always bring their friends over, they can always hang out. I’ll always feed anybody in my house. But that way they don’t feel like they have it a lack there or that they need to sneak out or hide things for them to have friends. And then also as teenagers, I’m finding it’s really important for them to have a sense of purpose, of some kind of work that that actually contributes both to the family and like with starting the business financially because it’s like a goal and something they feel like they’re accomplishing and also an activity they love that is an outlet.

So my kids all do pole vaulting and I’ve recently, I started doing this as well. They are definitively all much better than I am, which is great. But it’s been amazing to watch my daughters, especially because I remember being 12 and being kind of uncomfortable in my body. And especially as things started changing, I was very focused on how my body looks so different all of a sudden and how weird that was. And I see my daughters and to them, their bodies are these incredible tools and machines that they can use to do these really cool activities they want to do. So, of course they’re not grown yet, but I’m hopeful that having those activities and having the focus on that will give them a different perspective as they go through puberty and through the teenage years.

She also asked, “What would you do differently in your parenting?” I’m not a big fan of just sitting and wishing the past could be different but I do think we can always of course learn from the past. I think I would have been less dogmatic and more spontaneous and creative early on when they were really young. As I was trying to figure it all out, I was like following parenting rules or trying to figure out how do you get a two year old to do what you want. And I think it would have made more time for spontaneity and just creative activities when they were little. Also, I know it gets said all the time, but savor the small moments because it goes by so, so, so fast. Everyday I’m reminded of that. Just I look at my oldest and remember him as a baby. What feels like yesterday and it’s just, it’s crazy to have watched it go by so fast.

And then lastly, one that I’ve learned over time, I wish I could just go gift to myself as an early mom would be to put systems in place much earlier that take the mental stress out so that my kids could have had a calmer mom earlier. I’ve talked about this some, and I’m actually writing a whole book that kind of walks through this process in your life. But it’s not, I don’t think, all the things we have to do that often stresses us out. It’s the mental, and emotional responsibility of balancing those things. And so I discovered when I applied some of the same principles that work in business to home life, just like I did with some of those parenting books, it took away the mental stress and I was able to actually get more done so I wasn’t having to do any less but get more done, but without the stress. So those would be some of my top tips. But yeah, enjoy the small moments would be the top one.

From Sarah, she said, “How do you stay motivated to stay away from sugar or chocolate? I know so much about what’s good for me, but I can’t seem to stick to it. I don’t touch fast food. Rather, I struggle with so-called healthier food and other processed junk that appears to be healthy but really isn’t.” I think there’s a few tips here. First, I will say as a confession, I don’t fully stay away from sugar or chocolate. I don’t typically eat refined sugar, but I do sometimes eat chocolate. I do sometimes eat dessert. In fact, in the last couple of years with all of my shifts, I even sometimes eat gluten and I sometimes do eat processed food. I’m not a hundred percent off of everything.

And I think long-term the goal is actually to have that balance because it’s very hard to have a complete all or nothing policy. But I don’t think you start there. So I think the first part is realizing that your body is trying to tell you something. So if it’s sugar, if it’s craving certain things, look at any potential deficiencies, look at gut health. Those were both big keys for me as well as hormone health. And so I have to start there. You will have a very difficult time resisting if your body needs something for a particular reason. If there’s a deficiency or a gut issue, it’s very difficult to fight your physiology when it’s something that’s that core and that internal. So realize your body’s trying to tell you something and start trying to test for what those things might be. I also had to shift my mindset away from avoiding certain things to consuming enough of the good things.

So making the mindset shift of from the negative and the deficiency to the positive. So I didn’t wake up thinking, okay, I’m not gonna eat any junk food today. I woke up thinking, how am I going to consume all the good things my body needs today? And that alone shifted the focus because I didn’t feel like I was being deprived. So I didn’t crave those things as much that I would have wanted anyway. And it gave me metrics to make sure I was getting enough protein, make sure I was getting enough greens, the things that I knew that would support my hormones and my gut health. And it also made me much less hungry for those other things. And there’s some key tips, like if you get enough protein early in the day, you typically have fewer cravings at night. If you get enough leafy greens, which bind to extra estrogen in the body and give you magnesium, you typically crave less sugar.

But those are slow shifts. So making those baby steps over time your body will start to naturally start to crave more of the good things.

I think meal planning is also really key when it comes to this. I meal plan, I have to, with our family, I use a tool called “Real Plans,” which I’ll link to in the show notes. It’s an amazing tool that lets you plan based on what you already have in your house or based on food preferences or allergies and whatever nutritional criteria you have. So I use that and then I prepare food in advance as much as possible once a week so that I already have the healthy food ready to go. Which takes the decision-fatigue out of it and also takes the stress out of it.

When I was really trying to work through cravings, I found it helpful to write out ahead of time, like the day before what I was going to eat the next day to make sure I did get all those good things in. So I would write down, you know, breakfast and what it was going to be including however many ounces of vegetable, however many ounces of protein. Same with lunch, same with dinner. And that way I already had a plan so it wasn’t like, okay, it’s lunchtime. I could eat something healthy, but really I’d rather just eat this. I already knew that I had that ahead of time. For me also protein was a big key. There’s something called the therapeutic effect of food and protein requires a lot of energy to break down. That also is really essential for a lot of reactions in the body. And for me when I was craving things, I was not getting enough protein and I had to make a conscious effort to track and then start eating enough protein and that really reduced my cravings because my body was needing certain things and I think it really only knew like it needed magnesium and only knew to crave chocolate. And so I had to kind of retrain that effect by getting enough of the actual building blocks it needed. And so that kind of went along with that mindset of hitting the good macros versus restricting. It wasn’t avoiding calories or avoiding carbs, it was getting enough protein, getting enough greens, getting enough healthy fats, which for me is olive oil. Also for me, fasting helped. And a caveat here, I don’t think this applies to everyone. I don’t think anyone with certain hormone problems should try it at all. But for me, doing several longer fasts and then doing regular circadian fast where I didn’t eat after dark at all, really helped reset my hunger hormones. I don’t think that that will work the same for everyone. But it was really helpful for me.

And then on the deficiency side, I personally needed more zinc and selenium, choline and certain B vitamins and that really helped my cravings as well. And I really recommend Dr. Chris Masterjohn and his “Vitamins and Minerals 101.” He has a book and a course that helps you figure out based on symptoms and experimentation what you specifically need. And he does have a whole testing protocol as well if you want to go down that road. I will link to those in the show notes. One of the most in depth and helpful resources I’ve ever found for that. And unusual one that also helped it is getting sunlight every morning. So as soon as possible after waking up, going outside and getting natural sunlight that helped retrain my ghrelin and leptin and hunger hormones, I think and balance out my other hormones. And I find I have less hunger and less cravings when I do that and when I get some kind of movement every day.

And then lastly, I will say the trauma aspect was also a huge key for me. I don’t know if this is the case for you. I hope it’s not, I hope it’s not the case for most of you, but you can listen to episode 309 of this podcast and that explains that whole side of my transition and my transformation. But what I found part of that was that basically my subconscious was holding onto weight for safety. There was a reason for that and I couldn’t fight my subconscious because it thought it was protecting me. And so it wasn’t until I actually addressed the trauma that I could let go of that subconscious and I had to deal with that first. And what, ironically for me that meant once I fixed that I’m now actually eating more food. I need more calories and I have lost a lot of weight by doing that and I don’t crave the bad stuff anymore.

From Sandra “I asked my doctor a year ago to test my magnesium levels and per the results she says it’s fine, but does a standard blood test provide the best results?” and from Ivalice, I hope I’m saying that right. “I Would love to hear your opinion and thoughts on magnesium supplements. I am low, no matter how much magnesium rich food I eat. So I’m forced to supplement. I suffer from migraines, anxiety, and insomnia, which is enhanced by low magnesium. My struggle is that with all the different types out there, I’m noticing they have different effects on my body and I don’t know which one is best or safest. Oxate was great for the migraines, but wrecked my gut. Trying glyconate now, but not sure it’s helping with the migraines. What are your thoughts?” Okay, so several thoughts on magnesium.

I had to work up slowly because a lot of magnesium caused issues for me and even the ones that didn’t mess up my digestion, they caused my skin to itch because of some histamine issues I had. But to address the blood test question, normally only about 1% of the total magnesium in the body is present in the blood. And this makes it difficult to get an accurate measurement of total magnesium from the blood test alone. However, this test can still be useful to some degree. Again, this is an area where I would recommend Dr. Chris Masterjohn’s work. He actually has a lot of this on this Instagram that you can find. Dr. Chris Masterjohn, but his Vitamins and Minerals 101 is super, super helpful and he has, on his Facebook page, if you go to that and sign up for his messenger, he has an amazing free messenger course that goes through all of the vitamins and minerals and let’s you figure out how to figure out which ones you specifically need.

So I would start there for figuring it out. And here’s why magnesium is so important. Magnesium is responsible for over 300 reactions to the body and it impacts things like blood pressure, metabolism, immune function, and as, as she mentioned, anxiety, migraines, etc. Some experts say that magnesium deficiency is actually one of the single largest problems in our world today. And there are many reasons potentially that magnesium deficiency is so widespread from depleted soil, overuse of chemicals like chlorine and fluoride. And then some common things that we all do daily can deplete magnesium, like sugar, caffeine, stress, you know, if any of those things sound like they might be things in your life. But there’s also any people with celiac or Crohn’s disease are more likely to be deficient. People who consume a lot of processed foods or conventional dairy who are on city water, who have type two diabetes who don’t eat a lot of leafy greens.

So lots of factors that can come into play. I personally take a supplement called MagSRT daily and I also use topical magnesium. I can link to both of those in the show notes, but I started really slowly and worked up and I feel like you can take a, kind of a symptoms based approach to magnesium levels if you’re paying attention to your body, which is kind of what I did, but also do check out Chris Masterjohn’s work. Regarding the question about taking magnesium and still having low levels. I personally also look at gut issues again and absorption because even though you’re taking it, if the body is not absorbing it for some reason, perhaps a gut issue that could be why you’re not seeing the effect. I personally found that probiotics, made a big difference for me in magnesium absorption.

I take the Just Thrive brand and I’ll put a discount code for that in the show notes as well if you guys want to check it out. And K2-7 and vitamin D, which seemed to be synergistic. So those were all factors that I had to optimize to get magnesium to feel efficient to me.

So all that to say I answered. I think, all of those questions for today, there are many more. So there will definitely be more Q and A rounds and if you have questions you would like me to answer in future podcast episodes, please leave those in the show notes or DM me on Instagram or reach out with those and I will add them to the list. Still many more things I look forward to covering in future episodes. I hope this one was helpful and I would love to hear your take on any of these things as well. So if you homeschool, I’d love to hear any tips that you have, any parenting tips, especially for older teens because I’m not there yet. Or any other health related tips that you have. Always feel free to share those. I love to hear from you guys and as always, I’m so grateful to you for spending your time with me today. I’m so, so glad that you did. It’s always an honor to spend this time with you and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/parenting-teens/

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cutiecrates · 4 years

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Cutie Reviews: NMNL Oct 19

For this month Tokyo Catch has been running a promotion, where if you spent enough money to equal or value past 600 points, you receive a free Crane Game ticket per-day. I was disappointed to learn these couldn’t be stacked, but I figured may as well get use out of them by practicing. Now, I only found out about this like a week ago, and would you believe the other day I actually won something in one try?! I was completely stunned, I really wasn’t expecting that to happen.

I won’t spoil what it is though, when it comes in the mail I’ll take a pic :3 I’ll give you a hint though, it’s Pokemon related~

Meanwhile, I’m sure you see the 2 boxes here, right? If you’re new to the blog or missed the explanation for this “incident”- basically, Tokyo Treat accidentally sent me 2 of the same box (the copy came about a month later I think). I contacted them about this and they told me it was a mistake on behalf of their database, but I was free to keep it. So they are the same, but some variations are different.

“Are you ready to celebrate Halloween? In Japan, everone loves dressing up and even though scary and spooky looks are popular, so are the cute and colorful ones. That’s why we’ve included makeup, skincare, and more inspired by Harujuku, the trendiest place in Tokyo! We hope you’re excited for this month’s spooky beauty box!“

Contest

This month, the contest was based on Pumpkin-themed products for the face; such as eye shadow, a sleeping pack, and some duo pads for cleansing.

Glam Gift

Meanwhile, Kuromi has returned in the form of the special box in NMNL with a little of everything. I love the pouch and hand cream ♥

Horoscope

Of course, for Halloween this months featured “characters you should dress-up as for Halloween“. Which one did you get from this list?

Aries: Sailor Moon Taurus: Marilyn Monroe Gemini: Maleficent Cancer: Cruella de Vil Leo: Merida Virgo: Hermione Granger Libra: Hello Kitty Scorpio: Wednesday Adams Sagittarius: Harley Quin Capricorn: Elsa Aquarius: Zombie Alice Pisces: Ursula

I was so excited to get Hello Kitty ♥ You guys know how much I love her, although, I do wish they had included more anime/manga/video game characters.

Acupressure Face Mask

This is a great item if you’re going to be spending Halloween indoors or want to work on your glowing complexion. All you do is put it on for 1 minute a day and rub over the pressure points (I could be wrong, but the box has a picture of someone doing it), then you take it off. It has two sets of straps for a comfortable fit.

This is a product by Lucky Wink, the same people who made those adorably massage kitty pads we got a couple months back. Because I love cats I really like the concept behind these items, and I really like to use the kitty paws. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about this because it actually kind of hurts a little (I use the tighter straps though, if I use the loose ones I don’t feel like it does anything), and the skin around my eyes feel a bit tightened afterwards. But at the same time, I don’t hate it, and it looks like it has been having some effect on the skin. I also like that it doesn’t feel inconvenient to use.

Pumpkin Rejuvenate Mask & Bling Cat Eye Patch

We are lucky to get 2, really cute face masks this month. First up is this natural mask by Esfolio, made from pumpkin (and several other plants) to improve skin elasticity and glow, while leaving out harmful items like MIT, CMIT, parabens, mineral oil (I actually thought that was supposed to be good), and silicone.

I really like this one! It smells a little like flowery pumpkin (its a very faint pumpkin smell), and even though I wiped off most of the product, it adheres to the skin amazingly. This is always something I look for in a face mask because I find they work a lot better than the other ones- the ones I usually have to lay back for while using to make sure they stay on. With winter still in the process of passing, my skin has been needing something like this as of late, and its been feeling pretty nice since I used it a few days ago.

This is suggested as a “1 a day mask“ worn for 15-20 minutes. If you can find it I would recommend picking up a few.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Our other mask is once again for the eyes, and shaped like a cat :3 perfect for Halloween. By Tony Moly (a brand I really like!), these masks will moisturize, soften, and brighten the skin around your eyes, it’s the purrfect partner for the acupressure mask~

This one has a strong lotion-ish scent I found to be pleasant, and it’s kept on the same amount of time as the previous mask, 15-20 minutes. I decided to use this after the acupressure mask and it felt so soothing, I really liked it. My eyes were feeling tired and tight by that point, and I felt like they were more awake and comfortable afterwards.

I would recommend both of these masks, they both earned S+ (which is even better than an A) in my books!

Nail Stickers

Our next item is by a cute (patent pending) nail sticker pack from the brand Mew Girl. As you can see, this is our first variant in the box too; my original came with the juicy orange sheet, the copy got pinky flowers. Besides these 2, there was 5 other sheets we could get featuring their own funky, colorful, or sweet high quality stickers.

What I think is really fun is that not only do we get the little stickers, but we also have a sticker of the sheet name, and the frame image is also its own sticker, so you could use it for a journal, or just to draw a fun picture or add some flare to an item if you wanted.

The stickers are easy to peel and I really like them, the only issue I have is that I had to pretty much destroy the clear wrapping over one of the sheets just to get a closer look at it. I really don’t know why it was so hard considering how delicately I was doing it, but it was like glued to it, so it ripped apart with little effort. I think it will be okay though, because I keep my nail stuff in something away from all the dust and cat hair.

I plan on using them very soon when I do my nails; so keep an eye out for that in some upcoming pictures ;3

Happy Halloween Bath Powder

After a long night of enjoying the holiday or to take your mind off of things, we get this packet filled with a bright orange bath powder. It’s moisturizing for the skin and includes extracts of peach and vitamin E, and includes a delicious aroma of milk and Japanese tea.

Honestly, I don’t get that smell at all. To me it smells exactly like... have you ever tried those “healthy alternative fizzy water drink machines” where you add flavoring?. It smells like the orange soda flavor; I could pinpoint the scent immediately, but I really like it.

For as vibrant as this product is, there isn’t any sort of skin stainage after using it (at least none I could see, I only used a little of it in the sink, but I kept my hand in it a long time), and my skin felt pretty smooth and soft. You also get a lot of the powder and the scent lasts a good while afterwards.

Fate Grand Order x Sanrio makeup palette

I think I said this in the last review, but while I’m not big on crossovers, I really like any that involve Hello Kitty or Sanrio :D I was really intrigued, and excited, when I saw this fun item. As you can tell, both boxes came with Merlin, but there was also Mash Kyrielight, and Gilgamesh. I know nothing about this series, but I think out of the 3 choices (namely the palette colors), I definitely would have chose Merlin so I’m glad I got this one. But I kinda wish maybe I got 2 different ones.

I’ll just say now that I don’t know FGO, I heard of it but I never checked it out or anything. So I know nothing about this character, but they look interesting. I really wish we got more makeup items based on game/anime/manga series~

I love how this looks like a book, it’s so cute. I also like how the packaging has a little window on top, to demonstrate the colors inside. I didn’t include a demonstration pic like normal because the product is extremely light, so it didn’t show up well in the picture. My observations include:

Lips - the product barely added color (and I tried to apply a good amount of it). But it is smooth, it isn’t greasy like most lip x cheek products.

Cheeks - much more visible, you only need a little to blend for a rosy cheek look. It feels very light and again no grease.

Eye-shadow - extremely light, the two darker shades are just barely visible, but you get a love shimmer and its perfect if you like soft, natural shades. Again, it’s very light feeling too.

Keeping this in mind, I like this product. Not only because of the cuteness factor, but because I’m someone who prefers the shimmery softness and natural/cute pink hues, so it’s a pretty good palette for me. The makeup is light enough to avoid feeling like its being caked on too.

Pop Devil Color Treatment

Not gonna lie, this item confused me a bit; but I love its pastel coloring and cute character design. This came in 3 variations based on Korean trending colors at the time: ash pink, ash lilac, and ash violet.

Okay, so what confused me is that this is described as being a hair colorant while treating the hair as well. According to the book, you just apply it to damp hair and leave it in 5-15 minutes, then wash it out really well. As far as I know this does not color your hair. I’ve tried it multiple times and saw no difference, but to be fair to the product I don’t know if you’re supposed to be use the ENTIRE thing in once, or if there’s something we’re missing in the instructions.

However, as a treatment item, the hair I tested it on (I did test both colors btw) feels really smooth and soft, and its shinier; it just feels a little bit more healthy than it did prior to using it. It has a strong smell though (I can’t really describe it) and by the 10 minute mark of letting it set, I was beginning to feel a little out of it. The scent lingers after you wash it (as of now it’s been almost 4 hours), but its much more bearable by now.

Momocos Fruit Gloss

This is our final item, and if you’ve been here before you might recognize the pink and blue tube. Because a few months back in KiraKira Crate, we were given the Momocos Fruit Gloss :3 I REALLY like it, it’s one of my favorites to frequent because the wand feels nice, its smooth on the lips, and it smells wonderful~

For this month, besides the Cherry one, we could also get the Mango gloss, Orange, or Peach. Because I already had cherry, I sorta wish I got 2 different ones because I’d love to be one step closer to having a full collection (I’m sure its on the Japan Haul website tho, so I’ll probably be doing it soon enough ;3). But at the same time, it doesn’t hurt to have a spare. By now mine seems so dull in comparison, and the colors have began mixing.

However... I think this new one might also be broken somewhere. When I opened the box I saw spillage in it, and the tube is a bit sticky. I can’t find any sort of damage and it was sealed- but somehow it came out. What’s also funny is that the wand has a gradient, while my other one is vibrant pink.

The mango one is equally delicious in scent and taste, but I feel like out of the whole line it would be my least favorite. It’s not as good as cherry, and I’m pretty sure I will like the other 2 more... maybe when I get them I’ll do a small blog comparing them.

♥ Cutie Ranking ♥

Content - 4.5 out of 5. I loved everything, and all of the items work and only a couple of them are one-time uses, which is another quality I like. But I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get anything that was... mysterious, spooky, fun, like our prior Halloween makeup boxes. I also wish we got more variety as to where the items are used, like before.

Theme: 2.5 out of 5. Sadly I feel like this suffered. We honestly only got a couple items that bring to mind Halloween, while the rest just sort of... accent it. Like people link Cats with Halloween, but these items don’t make me think of Halloween, they make me think of cats.

Total Rank: 8 out of 10. The items are really good and I love each one, but I’m missing the variety. I like “all over beauty“, why should only my face feel good? The theme was spot-on for the month of October, but the items weren’t. As a side note though, since my Birthday is in October, I like how I got a lot of items that involve things I like. I would strongly recommend this box, unless you wanted something with a stronger Halloween vibe.

♥ Cutie Scale ♥

Palette - As sheer as the product is, I really like it. It’s very sweet looking, and the packaging is super-cute~

Eye Mask - It felt so good and it smells even better.

Bath Powder - I was a bit shocked by the vibrant (almost blood colored) colorant, but it smells yummy and it felt really nice on the skin.

Pumpkin Mask - It smelled good and it clung to the skin perfectly, which doesn’t happen often with face masks for me. I kinda want to get another one.

Acupressure Mask - It kinda hurts a bit to use, but like I said, I don’t hate it enough to not want to use it again.

Lip Gloss - As much as I like this brand, and the products; considering one made a mess (but its still usable) and I’m not extremely crazy about the mango one... its not my favorite.

Hair Treatment - It feels really nice in the hair, but unless I missed something it won’t actually change your hair color or tint or anything. It was kind of a letdown.

Nail Stickers - I just feel like I’m less-likely to use this one. I really like them though.

#cutie reviews #nmnl

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