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glowdetails · 4 years

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SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU💗🍒

buckle up, it’s a long one. like this post so it’s saved for your own reading on days u need it. today i’d like to share a few thoughts about social media, hopefully it will relate to some out there experiencing similar situation.

lowkey, i hate it. everything about it (to me) is a social construct. one of the thing that made me feel this way is because people think social media is everything. sad if you think this is true. people believe that if you post a certain way, or have a cool feed or have an awesome life based on your feed - automatically people assume you are this & that. if you don’t post stuff, still people will assume this/that. whatever you do, people will “assume” something. collectively, i want all of us to STOP assuming. also the need for us to post something because we need validation/acceptance (guilty). which to me, sucks. i want people to know you must do what your heart desires - not for THEM. for you. (if u like it, then YOU GO GIRL) also disclaimer : if u love social media, u do u hun. i’m not discriminating people’s choice at all. this is just personal opinion & choice. we have no rights to judge others for what they like to do.

even though i love social media bc it allows us to connect, share & just allow positivity or shine light for the things that matter. but other than that - i don’t really like it. let me tell you, the moment i started to really reduce my time on insta, twitter (except tumblr lol) - something changed positively. i have nothing against it at all. but i know myself. i know how in my head, it creates unnecessary negative thoughts, self doubt, comparison for myself. and drains my self esteem. so i decided to stop scrolling my insta daily (personal acc). don’t get me wrong, i post usually maybe once or twice a month. but i now try to post what makes ME happy. not what i think people will like. it’s a conscious mindset i had to work within myself. i’ll explain more later on.

some days when i see someone enjoying their best life & just being their perfect selves - i think to myself, “damn why don’t i have this many friends?” “why can’t i just be more like this/that?” “i don’t have enough of this/that” honestly, it’s the worst feeling ever, always doubting & comparing yourself with others. so i asked & interrogate myself with bunch of questions like “why do i feel like this” “what do u think might do to avoid this feeling” “how to stop comparing yourselves with others?” etc.

and i’m finally at a good place where i can say - social media does not do that to me anymore. (not as bad as before at least, i’m getting there!) and i’m here to share some things with you.

💗 WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF : first, you need to ask yourself the hard questions. (like the examples i gave) & investigate yourself. by doing this, u’ll learn and deconstruct your thoughts and really know what the reasons are, understand the root of your problem. and fix it. second, less time on social media. follow the people who inspires you. unfollow people who promotes unhealthy & unrealistic beauty standards. mute or unfollow whoever you feel like is making you feel some sorta way (temporary). third, know that everything u see on social media is literally a highlight reel of our best moments. so no, you are perfectly fine and probably living your best life even if you don’t post things or the best pictures. next, STOP THE NEGATIVE SELF TALK. everytime you think of a negative thing to say to yourself about the other person or yourself. STOP. you are no one to judge anyone. let people live. let yourself be. don’t be too hard on yourself. and think of something positive about that thing you were talking about. it helps. next, mindset. be conscious of your thoughts and really be on alert at all times. we are so easily distracted and get sucked into this “why dont i have this or that” or negative thoughts and get feel really bad for ourselves. it doesn’t have to be that way. always be on alert with your mind and what it says. be conscious. always ask yourself this, “am i doing this because i want people to think highly about me or bc I like it?”

🍒WORDS YOU NEED TO HEAR : so all in all, i’m just trying to say - you are fucking amazing. just the way you already are. social media can be a beautiful thing if used correctly and be the worst toxic place to be if done wrong. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. I REPEAT. SOCIAL MEDIA DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. YOUR FEED DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. IT IS ALL A SOCIAL CONTRUCT AND YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD FOR ANYTHING (for example not posting much, not having the best pictures, or for posting too much whatever it is. it is in your control and people’s opinion should not EVER matter as long as you are happy & you fulfill yourself, THATS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS. at the end of the day, it all comes down to you and self respect. respect yourself enough to not make yourself feel shit. own your thoughts & FIGHT that negative talk. work on having a strong sense of self because if u’re very comfortable with you yourself, you don’t even need social media or anyone to make yourself feel amazing or bad.

send me tips & words that might help. love u guys. hope u’re doing well.

- A, glowdetails

#social media #glowdetails #personal #words #advice

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cirkkaa · 3 years

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I'm going to ramble a about something that bothers me a bit about rayemma so if you're not in for me being overly invested in fictional characters, this is your cue to not read this lol. Also I might sound like I'm taking it too seriously, but it's just me talking out loud, dw. I'm drinking coffee as I write :)

This contains manga spoilers!

I've already vented a little on twitter but now that days passed and I could notice other things, I want to talk about it here bc I think is calmer and I feel a little self conscious bringing ship related matters there. ( also I would've making a long ass thread no one wants to see lmao)

Let's state something first: I love Ray. He's my favorite tpn character, and I'm multishipper. Either if I'm being biased or not, I love rayemma, and I also love noremma and other ships. But RE has a soft spot for me for obvious reasons. And I'm not only talking only about romance here, tho of course I can't take it out of the frame bc, well is just another layer of their relationship. But my primary concern has to do with the interaction between both as it is.

Now, you may know about Shirai's and Sugita's commentary on the forest arc RE, if you don't it's here. Let's go to what is my perception.

Ray and Emma shared an unique bond like no other, would they have spent all those arcs on building their relationship from a very unstable/chaotic one to one which showcased a level of trust so deep that they were able to enter another realm and defy time and space......... that Ray out of all people was the one who felt her presence, was literally GUIDED to find her in a context in which realistically they might as well never ever see each other again to show us.. A sibling relationship? COMRADES? I felt like a bucket of ice was thrown at me.

I've always loved that they didn't emphasize the sibling part of tpn when it came to the trio bc in no way it feels sibling-like. I always considered them as best friends, the kind that life puts in your way and you can feel it's different from any other bond you may have. And besides, story-wise, it makes sense since ehem NE exists, so that would be a weird concept to praise while putting characters on a shippy moment. Now, I think it's only fair for all 3 to be considered under the same context. But looks like NE gets a free pass, RE doesn't, and NR is close to nonexistent so we'll never know.

RE bonding was one of the best ones I've ever seen and probably my favorite, I have no words to describe how much I loved Shirai for taking this path with them. But this commentary?? Honestly, wouldn't you feel at least a little salty if this happened to a couple that means a lot to you? imagining that exactly this description was used to describe NE. Sounds incredibly ridiculous and just nonsensical doesn't it? Like hell, it can be anything but not this.

"Hey but NE is sorta canon and RE never existed" Well that doesn't mean that they aren't friends FIRST and foremost, which is the kind of relationship they showed ALL the time throughout the story. Not of siblings, not of comrades. Of course Emma referred to all GF as her family, but that I remember, she never considered Norman or Ray as her brothers, explicitly.

So in short, I felt sad and in disbelief. Nothing to do about it, it's done.

“But he said it´s okay to interpret it the way you want” Yes, which is very nice of him. But after reading that, I felt so drained and confused that romance in RE at this point sounded like a joke, when their friendship is pretty much.. Just there.

On a more selfish note, RE doesn't get half the credit it deserves. Their friendship goes under the rug most of the time, and considering canon events and how Ray fell on the sides, and now this commentary over a relationship in which in 2 arcs it might as well have been a central point, being diminished with this.. Just what even??

Not that I have power over someone else likings or interpretations, but man I wish they could appreciate them more.. I also would love to see Shirai taking his time to describe their relationship not focusing on the " there's definetly not romance here if that's what you want to know"I feel like there is much more to it that just the explanation he and Sugita gave, but that's just me being hopeful.

I think this is the only thing I highly disagree on with canon facts so far. Not that it matters what random fan on tumblr says, but yeah

A side note: this commentary was part of the fanbook, which is not translated officially and the parts that are, were made by fans. So maybe there is more info about them, for which I will say take my input with a grain of salt. Also, I'm not hating in any tpn ship or Shirai or Sugita. This is just a way for me to express my feelings over my disagreement with their answers. Do not take this as me about to break into Shirai´s house trying to validate a ship, or forcing ppl to ship them. I'm just voicing my thoughts and maybe regretting making this post later on 🤠

I do believe in the potential of all kind of fictional relationships, so I don't think siblings or comrades are in any way less important than lovers, for instance. However in my reflection, if you read the manga, you will know how not fitting those term are for RE. At least, in my opinion, they aren´t.

Thank you for reading, have a nice day.

#Not wanting to mention it but to all of that add the fact that even rayanna was sneaked in even though it was not canon #So err what happened to curate every interaction?#Hello?#Anyway I avoided addressing ships as much as I could bc this ain't about it #But since I need to make comparisons to get my point I thought it was necessary #I still love Shirai and Sugita but this one is a hard pill to swallow #Personal #The promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #Ray #Emma #Rayemma #Tpn #Manga #Anime #レイエマ

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cupidlakes · 3 years

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sending you a bit of positivity!! you're definitely my favorite george enjoyer out there and whenever i see him do anything slightly endearing or out of the ordinary i look forward to checking out your thoughts afterwards :) i wish everyone lurked on your account every now and then bc you notice and appreciate all the small things gnf does and really help understand him as a person, which a lot of people don't do. in fact, i almost wish he could see it too bc he should know he isn't taken for granted :D but you just seem like such a kind and fun person with educated opinions and i randomly like your speech/typing patterns :p lastly, i wanted to ask if you have any more or less specific wishes for streams george could do and i hope your day gets better!

:’( ok genuinely i can’t explain how much this warmed my heart i’ve been very anxious and generally frustrated/emotional recently but this was a v sweet pick-me-up and i’m so grateful seriously!!! at the end of the day i think my number 1 wish is and always has been to get ppl to appreciate george a little more and if i’ve done that then i’m srs SO happy + i just want ppl to see what i see :]]

and when it comes to wishes for george streams… hmm (under the cut bc this’ll get Long)

something totally doable and i’d personally Really love is for george to pick up his hp game! it’s obvious atp but i’m an avid enjoyer of more chill gnf content, where he doesn’t feel like he has to play Up as much and can unwind a little, other than that i’ve seen ppl air wishes for a bob ross painting tutorial stream :0 which sounds genuinely so fun and also interesting bc george likes following instructions to a t (“i don’t dabble in inaccuracies” is probably one of my favourite gnf quotes) but obviously art isn’t his forte lol and his colourblindness might yield a “challenge” but i also think the fact that it’d be his own unique spin on it would be really cool

umm i guess i’d also really like george to replay some old challenges at one point bc i love listening to him drop little tidbits abt the coding process and you can tell he feels a lot of pride abt his work and also maybe a coding stream in general??? before i wouldn’t have even entertained the idea of him doing one bc he’s very conscious abt the ~entertainment value~ when he decides what he wants to stream but i think he’s picking up on the fact that ppl are interested! and even mentioned so in an alt stream, a baking stream could be fun, a cooking stream w ~another person~ aka one of the uk mcyters could be great!! this is complete self indulgence and delusion but a wilbur and george stream where they play their guitars and wilbur teaches george a song or something would HITTT, more vlogs in general :0 gnf goes to the park? what will he do… endanger his life probably, sol (comradegeorge) at one point divulged this idea actually of george doing a survival world where the seed is an endless mooshroom biome bc apparently there is a way to play the game like that, it’s more of a challenge! and it was inspired by george making a joke abt doing exactly that in his 1.17 update stream here’s her post abt it !!

george delving into playing more older games generally would be the besttt i think but that’s totally biased and idk if he actually would, it was just interesting to hear him bring up “childhood nostalgia” games like ratchet and clank and simpsons hit and run on karls alt stream and it got me thinking

i have so many more ideas but this got so long and seriously anything george thinks he’d have fun w i know i’d enjoy, tbh i’m not the biggest fan of geoguessr for example but when it was his and dreams thing for a while the streams were still very fun and entertaining for their commentary and his reactions :] i just want george to be self indulgent sometimes!! if you wanna play that game PLAY it

#asks #very #long post #i’m putting this in the tags bc i didn’t wanna ramble too much and make it a really long post op but #i feel really bad sometimes posting ppls lovely messages to me incase it seems narcissistic at all #i just obviously want to respond and stress JUST how grateful i am but yeah it really does mean so much!!! and you’re an angel #seriously #thank you for giving me a distraction and letting me be able to ramble like this also <3 < 3 <3

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seijorhi · 3 years

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asks :)

hhhh y’all got me cryin over here over your The Final Girl responses 😭 💕

holy shit so i. so i have notifs on and i usually save them all for night so i can go through them and have all my fics to read at night, right? everytime you post i drop whatever i’m doing and immediately start reading and you NEVER disappoint. that slasher fic is AMAZING. your writing style is so suspenseful and it really gets you into what you’re reading and i’m always so excited with your work. amazing job as always !!

sdfgyhgfghjk it was my first time trying to write like proper horror and i was so scared that it was just gonna fall flat or just not be that tense?? so thank you!! i’m really glad you liked it :)

RHI BBY!! PHENOMENAL work as always. the chase? the build up? the faint sense of hope the reader feels for a successful escape only for her to be quite literally shoved back into the devil’s grasp (also the fact that she’s going to give birth to a killer’s child bdishsjsh its a hopeless situation really), and let’s not get started on that closing line. my GOD i got absolute chills. this genre was literally MADE for you holy shit, thank you for sharing your talent ❤️🐦

🥺 bby I’ve missed you!! i spent a long time debating about whether i’d add the pregnancy thing or not, but i’m so glad i did, because it just adds to the awfulness of it all i think, and the reader’s desperation. but thank you sm!! i’ve decided that writing violent psychopaths with soft spots for their darlings is now my fave thing haha

OH MY GOD THE FINAL GIRL IS INCREDIBLE RHI!! I have to ask, did they stumble upon her at the campsite by chance? or was it their goal from the beginning to get her, her poor friends just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (i think the latter was implied but just wondering!!) also, who’s the baby daddy 👀👀

oh, they definitely knew that the reader and her friends were camping in their hunting grounds, and probably spent a day or so just watching from a distance, waiting - that’s how they knew that the reader was hiding after they’d killed the others. it just so happened to be bad luck that the reader made an distinct impression on the three in that time, and kind of sealed her own fate without even realising it.

as far as the baby daddy goes - i haven’t decided. it’s a one in three chance i suppose, pick your favourite it’s not like it really matters, they’re just gonna keep breeding you until you give ‘em each what they want 👀

hi!! i think the pregnancy aspect of your story is super fascinating bc it’s sort of a double edged sword. on one end, the pregnancy ties her to them, but on the other, the reader could use it to her advantage. threaten to kill or hurt the baby inside of her if they try to do something, maybe that’s why she was protective over it. not that they won’t just a fuck another one into her

this!! very much this!! the reader’s actually kinda torn over the baby - on the one hand she knows it’s innocent, it didn’t ask to be born and for better or worse it is her child - but it’s also theirs, and she’s terrified of what they’ll do - and you’re right, even if she lost/got rid of that one, they have absolutely no issues in knocking her up again, regardless of what she wants

will they be nice to the baby once they’re born 😰

define ‘nice’👀

haha, i’m kidding. they’re not gonna outright hurt it, they kinda have the whole ‘family’ fantasy thing going on, with the reader being barefoot and pregnant, keeping them happy and sated, and when the kids are old enough they’ll get to out hunting with their dads and it’ll be a real fucked up family bonding.

I was thinking abt yandere pairs in Haikyuu and I know there are the more canon-ish pairs like Bokuaka or Iwaoi but I was wondering what your opinion would be on Osamu & Suna sharing a darling?

ooh - I could definitely get behind a Suna/Osamu x reader pairing!

Omg I loved the slasher fic it was absolutely amazing! Like I’ve read it 3 times already lol. The fear and anticipation and the utter craziness are phenomenal. Question! Akaashi says abt Bo and Kuroo not minding if they get started w/o them. Does this mean they planned from the beginning to abduct the reader? before they killed everyone else? Or did Akaashi just decide? Like how long they knew about the reader before things went down, and if the friends would’ve been spared if she wasn’t there?

so i kinda touched on it above, but they were watching the reader and her friends for a few days and the plan was always (or at least after she caught their attention in all the wrong ways) to leave her alive while killing the others. her friends were always going to die - that much was set in stone the moment they decided to make camp in the woods. but ahhh thank you so much!! you’re very sweet, bby!

RHI! Final Girl? Amazing. Exquisite. 10000/10 👌😫 I was on the edge of my seat the entire time! There’s something about the way you write that just makes me feel the story, ya’ know? God, feral killer Bokuto and teasing, merciless Kuroo were TERRIFYING but cold, calculated Akaashi made my heart level elevate 😰 (all in a very good way I assure you) But can I ask if the trio had been planning that for awhile? Did they see you somewhere and develop a crush? (How did Kuroo and Bokuto react when they came back and saw Akaashi and reader “getting started” without them? 🥵) Thanks for making my Halloween! 🧡

💕💕💕 thank you!!! you guys are being so nice about this fic!!

but it’s kind of funny, because akaashi definitely knew that kuroo and bokuto would both be pissed off to come back and see him and the reader having ‘fun’ without them, but they’re not there to stop him and akaashi low key enjoys winding them up. plus, he wants to be the first to taste her, and he knows bo and kuroo are both selfish and possessive, so he’ll take any opportunity/head start he can get haha.

RHIIII OML ASDFGHJKL I THINK I MIGHT DIE. That was insanely beautiful! Terrifying but beautiful. *incoherent screaming* YOU'RE DOING GREAAAAT!! YOU'RE ONE AMAZING PERSON!! HERE TAKE ALL MY LOVEEE 💕💕💕💕💕

SDFGHJKHGHJK BBY THANK YOUUUUUU!! you’re gonna make me melt if y’all keep being so damn sweet 😭 ily!!

BRO IN FINAL GIRL WHEN YOU PUT THAT PLOT TWIST I WAS SHAKING ITS SO GOOD

i am a huge sucker for plot twists, i’m glad you liked this one haha

Hi Rhi, just dropping by. Hope you're doing great 😊 Ilysm and take care of yourself 💕💕💕

ily2 bby!! i hope you’re having a good day!

Lol I am shamelessly obsessed with your blog. I saw someone send you an ask saying to not feel self conscious about your smut writing and I agree!! Your stories, no matter how soon the smut starts, are absolutely incredible without the smut carrying it like some other writers on tumblr. However when you do add the actual smut it never disappoints. It’s literally like grade A stuff ya know lol. I feel like I’m reading a mini novel when I read your writing and I love it.

💕 PLS COME GET UR KISSES ANON!! no but seriously thank you, smut is always one of the areas i feel most self conscious about writing and i’m nervous to post it when i do write it, but i’m glad you guys like it (and want more?? maybe??) 💕

#BD answers #ask #fic q's

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lilolilyr · 3 years

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1, 2, 6, 18, 19, 22 and any two questions of your choice that you're itching to answer for the AO3 ask thingy please 😁

Ohh wow thank you! :D took a while to answer all these, full 3 episodes of my A little princess binge watch xD (I did get distracted by the series a few times even tho the plot was nothing new to me...) anyhow, under readmore because Long!

1. Top 3 fandoms written for

Good Omens (113, but mostly shorts), The Old Guard (72, rly wanna push that to 100 before I get over the fandom :D) and Star Trek (36 - & 6 more and ST Discovery with currently 17 will be in the top5 aka the collapsed ao3 fandom list, too! And it'll finally kick out HP xD)! Star Trek's not all new fics, there are some old Spirk slash fics and then the new Milippa, but GOmens and TOG are definitely on top bc they're my most recent fandoms and I started writing more and more in the last years :)

2. Fandom you have most WIPs for

uhhh if we're talking actually recently started and not (yet xD) abandoned WIPs in ao3 drafts or Word, I have about 10 TOG fics, same for Star Trek... if we're talking dead works on ao3 + ideas in old draft documents or lists, I bet it's older fandoms tho, probably a lot of my multiverse crossover chaos that's based on headcanon-improved characters based on Lord of the Rings and Twilight characters, Harry Potter magic (which I'm trying to her rid of bc, jkr, but also bc in general I like the Age of the Five magic theory more), Marvel, Town called EUReKA and a bunch of other stuff plus many ocs... No idea which fandom is most prominently in there, honest 😂 actually the blog I posted the ask meme to (bc ask memes are sth that might get fame so I'd rather have it on a blog where I already don't check the notes now lol), @thelucyverse, has more of that chaos, but yeah it's just that - Chaos!

6. Without checking - which tags do you think you've used most?

I actually know that bc I already checked it for a tagging meme xD but jusr from vibes I think I wrote a lot of getting together, emotional hurt/comfort, and of course Andromache Regains Immortality!

18. Favorite kinds of comments?

Alllllll of them :D no seriously especially on multichapters I'm so happy about even the smallest comments because it means someone actually read the latest chapter? :D

Actual fav comments... hmmm, I love when someone Points out a line and it happens to be one of my fav lines as well - or on the other hand if it's a part I'm self-conscious about and they comment that they like it!

19. Ever had someone write something inspired by your fic?

Not counting my own fics? No xD But! I've had people take fic ideas or outlines I posted on discord or tumblr and turn those into actual fics!

22. First fandom you've written for?

Posted it's The Hobbit movies, but I think some of my HP/twilight/LotR crossover ideas are older than that? I started coming up with those ideas when I was like 11 and I only got an ao3 with 15 or so... btw random but one of my first ocs, aka one of the triplet sisters of twilight Victoria, is still a beloved oc of mine now! XD

Any 2 I'm itching to answer - well, I love all those qs given that it's my ask meme xD but I just picked two from the readers' section :) C bc I always love a good shoutout and W because I've been wanting to check that - I actually already have a while ago, but forgot again xD

W) Oldest fic in your ao3 history?

Attila - She loves you (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

I remember that author?? And I know W13 femslash was one of the first fandoms I started reading fic to? But I absolutely cannot recall ever reaiding that story lmao

C) Favorite writers? Feel free to @ if they're on tumblr & you want to make them smile!

Alright I had planned to make a rec list here but bc it's almost 2am and my brain is Empty and this is behind readmore anyway, I'll instead maybe make a little reclist or several fandom-specific ones tomorrow, if I remember! Anyhow, thx so much for the ask Anni!!! This was fun <3

Ao3 ask

#ask the blogger #ao3 ask #answered #banashee #non anon #not f #lilo writes behind the scenes #lverse #x #lilo rambles #may'21 #04.05.21 #05.05.21 #personal #personal 2021 #mine #thelucyverse

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milkbreadtoast · 4 years

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Hey so! I’ve been wanting to share one of my Kurama(yu yu hakusho) headcanons for a while, but have been too lazy(and scared) to put it into words and share it w/ my followers ahah. But i’m finally gonna share it..! This is one of my headcanons that’s most crucial to how I interpret his character... and I want to preface this with saying that everyone has a different interpretation of a character, and that’s ok; u don’t have to agree. Interpretations can feel very personal sometimes...this one means a lot to me personally haha. Anyway, here goes: (BIG SPOILER WARNING!!!)

Basically... I think the current Kurama, “Shuichi” Kurama with the red hair, is LITERALLY a different person than he was in the past, due to the unique way he escaped death by merging with the unborn child of a human woman, and that his current personality makes a lot of sense if you think of him... as a fusion, in a sense... kinda like a Steven Universe fusion(not exactly, but hear me out)...

The present day Kurama is shown to be a really different person than the legendary thief Yoko Kurama. This difference becomes starkly apparent when the Yoko Kurama of the past makes his appearances in the dark tournament, and he’s very sadistic, cruel... very different from the Kurama shown until then.

Although the current Kurama has the same memories and consciousness, intelligence, etc. and is still fully “Kurama”, and a 1000+ year old demon, he also seems to act...like a normal teenage boy. He giggles, jokes around, cares a lot about his friends, and of course, loves his human mother...

Hiei describes Kurama in an internal monologue in ep 47, and it’s very interesting...

Kurama also describes himself in this way, in the same ep:

Although not in the manga, Kurama also says this in ep 108:

When Kurama talks about how he’s changed since being reborn, and how he’s become a different person... I think... it's more than just a change of heart. He's literally a different person, because his soul merged with that of the boy who would have been born as Minamino Shuichi.

And moreover, Kurama himself seems to be aware of this? in the way he describes himself...the whole “we’re merged,” “while I am Kurama, I am also Minamino Shuichi,” “no longer the same Kurama that I used to be”... And perhaps most convincingly, in this line he delivers in “Two Shots”:

Specifically describing himself as having a “human side”, despite also explaining to Yusuke in his introduction that he is fully a demon, despite his human appearance.

Given his wisdom and intelligence, retained from his past as Yoko Kurama, this--his self-identity--is surely something he’s thought hard about over the years, and this is the conclusion he’s come to... Even though he is classified as a demon, this is the way he describes himself... as a fusion of sorts, as being part “human”... (and Hiei’s description is mostly likely influenced from what Kurama has told him, along with his own understanding of Kurama).

The current Kurama shows a profound duality, and it makes him such a fascinating character... in certain moments, he shows a coldness, a brutality, a willingness to take lives, and wisdom and intelligence that certainly goes far beyond his human years. Yet... stuff like how he giggles and jokes, and how he outsmarted Kaito by making a funny face... to me, this is something new... something unique to his current self...something the old Yoko Kurama wouldn’t do.

The way Kurama acts in the present day... the way he's 100% a demon, yet distinctly...human... makes so much sense if you think of him as being like a fusion?? When “he merged with the body of the human who would have been born as Minamino Shuichi”, I think their souls also merged. (edit: This also makes sense if you consider that in his severely wounded state, Yoko Kurama was essentially reduced to a bare soul, disembodied and dying--If this fusion between his dying spirit and this fresh, living human soul did not take place, he would not have survived. The unborn baby is not yet conscious, so Kurama’s concsiousness took over completely, but the fusion still occurred...)

Kurama is still Kurama-- but there’s something added, something more. I think the human who would have been born as Shuichi would have been a very gentle person... so some of that got absorbed into Kurama's soul when they merged... and so his current, softer personality is not JUST a cruel demon who got touched by human kindness and had a change of heart... but a fusion of the original yoko’s personality, and the personality of the human boy he merged with. He did have a change of heart, but this was facilitated by him gaining... a new capacity for feelings? in a sense? due to this fusion.

This interpretation I have of him... it makes me feel so much for him...b/c even tho he's...not the same person anymore, he still has the same memories and consciousness; he both is, and isn't, the same person. I think it probably contributes to the guilt and self hatred he feels on some level, which is evident in what he tells Yusuke in the beginning...

It’s true that he said he tried many times to leave throughout his life, to return to his previous life in the demon realm, but it’s also true that he was never able to. His mother’s smile, her sacrifice for him, her genuine warmth and love for him... it moved him, and he decided to stay, and to protect her and the things precious to him now. And I argue that the “human” side of him, the result of a fusion of souls, enhanced his capacity to be moved, weakened his resolve to return to his past life...

When other yokai accuse him of "going soft"... that's not quite what happened...it is, in some ways, but not the full story. Although he is still the ancient, 1000+ year old demon Kurama, and retains all his memories and sense of self... there is still a part of him, a new part, that really IS as young as he looks... one that is gentle, empathetic, kind, and constantly haunted by his past.

In some ways, this added layer of softness can be seen as a fallibility, an exploitable weakness... how convenient, for the cruel and merciless, cold and calculating thief to become “soft”... a soft point, a weak point, where there was only hardness before. But,

Kurama himself believes it is a strength. Although I do think he harbors some level of hidden self hatred, he doesn’t hate this side of himself. In fact, he embraces it, is proud of it, and will fight to protect what he has now with his life on the line. He has found people and things he wants to protect... he’s come to see the beauty of the human world around him, even the mundane... he’s come to see the beauty and power in something as simple and fragile as a rose.

And the important people in Kurama’s life(e.g. Hiei), unlike the yokai who jeer and mock him, also see this part of him as a strength and not a weakness, and accept him as who he is today.

Kurama has a war in his heart... and this inner conflict and duality makes so much sense with the fusion interpretation. Itsuki makes this observation:

“affection” and “carnage”... two sides of himself, at war... consistent with his past life of violence and cruelty, and the gentle human soul he merged with that literally made him a different person... But again he’s still “Kurama”; he’s 100% yokai, not a human, and he remembers everything.

This headcanon of mine is why it doesn’t really feel right to me when I see people joke that Kurama’s just an old guy hanging out with a bunch of kids (like that steve buscemi meme lol). Again, in my interpretation... in some ways he IS just a teenage boy... even though he’s 1000+... which is why it makes sense that he genuinely enjoys having friends his “own age”... it’s more than just a facade of pretending to be a kid, I think.

And I mean...just look at him. HE...... IS BABIE 🥺🥺🥺

TL;DR I see the current Kurama as literally being a fusion of souls, literally “not the same Kurama” as before, and this colors the way I interpret him haha,,,

.............................

OK THIS POST IS ALREADY LONG AS ASS, WHY NOT MAKE IT EVEN LONGER BC THERE’S SMTH ELSE i WANTED TO POINT OUT

This might be unique to the anime, but it fits in nicely with my headcanon... In the original Japanese cast, Kurama(as Shuichi) is voiced by Megumi Ogata, and the Yoko Kurama of the past is voiced by Shigeru Nakahara (i.e., when he appears in the dark tournament, and in subsequent flashbacks to Kurama’s past). However, when Kurama transforms into his yoko form on his own in the Chapter Black arc, not by the influence of the potion that literally turns back time...he keeps his Megumi Ogata voice even in that form... whereas in flashbacks he's consistently voiced by Shigeru Nakahara. ITS A REALLY NICE TOUCH....and it confirms what he says when he's like i haven't actually reverted back, my body just transformed due to my heightened yoki.

And not only his voice, he even looks different... his yoko form is given a slightly different design in Chapter Black arc. In the dark tournament, his outfit is sleeveless, he has frayed eyebrows, and his ears are smooth.

In black chapters... for some reason they started giving him sleeves

and more solid eyebrows...

and raggety ears? vs smooth

(SO CUTE I LOVE THEM...)

These differences are shown in this production note from the anime, indicating that this was a conscious design choice in the anime:

(I can’t read the text, but I see that episode #90 is specified in the right pic, which is the ep Kurama transforms into his yoko form in Black Chapters)

Anyway, these are very subtle details, but to me they’re another indicator that even in his yoko form he's not the same Kurama as he was before...!

OK THAT WAS LONG AF BUT I’M DONE NOW I THINK......... enjoy these kuramas before u go ^_^

#fluffprattle #yu yu hakusho #kurama #holy shit that was long #i am so sorry #ANYWAY..........#i dont even know if this was comprehensible or not HITS SEND #KURAMA I WOULD FUCKIGN DIE FOR U

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acelezz · 4 years

Text

My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once.

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people.

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me.

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway, it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it.

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me.

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic.

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years.

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world.

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good.

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me. I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister.

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.

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wincore · 3 years

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IT GETS BETTER WHEN I QUIT (╥_╥) until then i’ll just try my best 2 survive

“are you daring me to ruin my life for 2d men” yes 100% that’s exactly what i am saying. U GETTING 2D MEN BRAINROT... >>>>> ill seriously be waiting for the day 😌😌 atsumu is incredibly irritating u will love him. im going to manifest hq tiktok edits showing up in ur fyp JDJWJSJJ

OMGG i never watched coffee&vanilla but now i know not to so thank u LOL i can’t handle watching cringey dramas!! IM SO EXCITED FOR S2 TOO!! i’m not even a horror fan generally but the storyline was so different and mysterious i was hooked!! should i read the manga?? :o how diff would u say it was from the netflix adaptation?

NOO ME TOO!! watching a whole series takes so much brain power and attention 😭😭 esp when starting something new, sometimes i just don’t have the energy to learn abt new characters/a new world

I LOVE THE PREVIEW IM SO SO EXCITED!! “she wins mostly dw” WHEW!! we cannot have jaehyun winning this we can agree on 😫. LMFAOO WHEN I SAW DONGMIN I WAS LIKE :oooo No way.... no way.. that would hurt so bad for me 🙄🙄 perfect man is ur soulmate and u wont even end up together... goodbye.. (ok jaehyun u r ok as well i guess)

YES I REREAD 19K HDJWJJD IT WAS A POST-FINALS TREAT & U ARE AN ACTUAL AUTHOR!!!! also now im rlly curious abt what runway-taeyong’s yn will be like?!? esp in comparison to runway yn!!! give me crumbs pls

“i cannot picture him pissed off apart from that summer fight </3” STOPPPQJDJ ME TOO??? i think e2l with mark is impossible truly... it just doesnt make sense

“i love this characterization of him!!” IM SO GLAD LOL I WASNT SURE ABT MY WORDING!! sicheng rlly is perfect for these kinds of roles & im PUMPED for ceo sicheng for this very reason 👀👀

U HAD ME AT THEME SONG SINCERITY IS SCARY WTFFF!! “i don’t think i’m cut out to write that” i respect ur decision BUT im sure u are capable!!!! when u feel ready i will b here waiting bc i am in luv with just the vaguest concept of this piece! “so him having strong personality traits makes me go 🤔🤔 that man is overreacting” LMFAOOO NOT EVEN JK I AGREE... its disorienting to see him written as intense/broody when most of the time he’s just kinda has one main mode which is 🙂

YESSS FIC WISE BC OF U!!! im in the same boat abt it not working irl, i think if i had beef with a man i would just never interact with them ever again.... no man is worth the time... we are not gonna beef it out we will just cease to know each other. BUT YES BOTH TROPES WORK BETTER IN FIC LMFAO i love the #pining #hurt/comfort #angsttofluff HSJWJSJ

YESS THATS WHY UR VAMP FIC WAS SO REFRESHING!! BC IT WAS DIFFERENT!! if we simply stop pretending bites r enjoyable i think we can begin 2 reverse the damage that media has done to vampire aus

omg that’s a lot of things to do!! PLS MAKE SURE TO GET ENOUGH REST & EAT WELL TOO!! take care of yourself 🤍🤍🤍

- tata

i just started watching jujutsu kaisen and i might just ruin my life for 2d men once again <3 i feel like i wil have a whirlwind obsessive phase like my 15 year old self again goodbye (also. pls. this atsumu character is appealing to me way too much for someone with god level standards for irl men. every time a 2d man is annoying i go 😍💍👰💒 loml) ALSO OK WTF HOW DID YOU PREDICT THAT I’VE BEEN GETTING A LOT OF HQ TIKTOKS IN MY FYP LATELY LIKE I SCROLLED THROUGH 8 CONSECUTIVE ONES 😭😭😭 TATA DID YOU HIJACK MY FYP

sdjgdjs i’ve only ever watched cringe dramas if the man is good looking (but like only clips in this case) or i need to make fun of it with my friends . i like to indulge in horror when i’m anxious bc it somehow makes it better like 😭 at least i have it better than THOSE guys lmfao <3 but also i don’t like heavy gore ahaha.

some parts of the aib live action i liked WAY better especially bc the actors did so incredibly well portraying the characters (and the 7 of hearts game... bye i took so long coming to terms with it it’s WAY more emotional in the live) and i liked the first game (different in the manga) way more in the live. as for the manga i HATE the ending but also the manga introduces side characters and their stories and i really like that about it! the whole tunnel distance game was actually a side story in the manga and i kind of don’t like them centering the plot too much around arisu (but .. also.. it’s yamazaki kento... and i like that man too much for my dignity..) and also.... i don’t like how they left niragi and aguni’s status undisclosed like that??? like [LIGHT MANGA SPOILERS] they play a very key role in the manga so ?!?! i just hope s2 turns out well netflix i am begging u

ANDSDHSKDJDSL PLS I AM SO SORRY but dongmin is in love with another woman 😔 maybe in some other life. jaehyun is out there being a himbo though so choose carefully what you wish for 🤩 every time jaehyun wins i got mad at myself like no way pilsbury dough boy is winning against miss i know everything

SDHSJD so far lookbook-yn is way more confident and assertive than runway-yn but more in a.. himbo-like way LOL if that makes sense. runway-yn was kind of self conscious and fueled by passion and the need to stand out in their field of work but this yn is more comedic i think lol!! she’s kind of critical and clever in her own way but also she will confidently tell u the wrong directions to the nearest grocery store if u ask bc she thought she knew </3

SDFJGDSJ IT LITERALLY STARTED AS ME DAYDREAMING TO SINCERITY IS SCARY <3 i don’t even have a title yet 🤧 i feel like im favouring this bread man too much but it’s fun to characterize him so <33 i would love for him to be heartbroken and bitter for once 😌 “most of the time he’s just kinda has one main mode which is 🙂” that emoji TOOK ME OUT DSJKDHSD it’s literally him??

men r literally never worth the time </3 either be a lovable himbo or go away 😐 WAIT BC OF ME??? IM STILSLDSHDSKHKDSLJDS ily ❣🌼🌙

why would they make bites to be some sort of sensual thing like literally any other animal biting us for blood would be either horrifying (demon) or just annoying (mosquitoes)

you take care of yourself too!!!!!! hope your job loosens a bit on you and you excel in academics enough to not worry about it 😌 eat well sleep well ily ❤

#tata 💖#anon #answered

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sunsetsover · 5 years

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Hey loved your fic! Would happily read anything else you might post! Also enjoy your meta so I have a question for you if that ok. We've seen how some of Ben's expexpierices have shaped/impact him. Namely his dad, coming out & Paul's death. Even killing Heather (though not much this stint). Kathy faking death was too easily dealt with but anyway Lol! But what about Stellar's abuse? That's not something the shows explicitly focussed on, but how do you think it imapcted/influences Ben's behaviour?

Further to my previous ask re Ben/Stella. That’s a part of Ben’s history Callum wouldn’t have a clue about unlike the other stuff. How do you think Callum would feel/react if he found out? Also do you have any headcannons about callums childhood. He’s still a relatively blank canvas that the show can dig into his past for material really. Stuart once said Callum was a happy kid & bad stuff seemed to pass him by. Knowing what we do now that’s just callums default coping mechanism…

first of all thank you so much!! and of course it’s ok!! i’m just really glad you enjoy my rambling and my one singular fic lmao 🥺🥺

for reference before i start: i’m the same age as ben is, so when he was like what, about 10 when he was being abused by stella? i was also about 10 when i was watching it. and i haven’t watched it since, so i really don’t remember the specifics. so if you want an in-depth delve into that whole storyline and how it affects ben today i’m probably not the best person to answer this. however, i will try my best!!

also this is a v sensitive topic and i’m gonna try to be as sensitive as i can be too, but please pull me up if i say anything i shouldn’t!

but yh into the meat of the question: i think ben has, sadly, been a victim of abuse multiple times in his life. i’d argue that he still is, to a certain degree, a victim of phil’s abuse. but to my knowledge stella is the only one who has abused him physically, and i think that would leave a different kind of scar on him, u know? a different kind of hurt, of trauma. but i almost think that because stella was such a short part of his life (albeit a damaging one) such a long time ago, what she did to him has kind of been overshadowed by all the other shit that’s happened to him since, you know? like you said, between his dad’s constant bullshit and abuse, his struggle with his sexuality and then coming out and phil’s horrid reaction, going back in, then coming out again, killing heather, his mum basically coming back from the dead, then everything that happened with paul, stella seems to have kind of faded from his mind - his conscious mind, anyway, because i’m sure it still affects him subconsciously. but if you were to ask him today to name some of the shitty things that’s happened to him, i doubt stella would even be top 3, you know? and i think that’s because - as tragic and as sad as it is - so much traumatic shit has happened since stella, that what she did to him has been kind of put on the back burner, you know :-(

but like i said, just because it’s not something present in his conscious mind, doesn’t mean it won’t still affect him subconsciously. it may be a big part of why he’s just so…. accepting of physical abuse now. like a combination of the emotional abuse he’s experienced in his life just completely shattering his self esteem and making him think he deserves the beatings he’s always getting, and then the physical abuse he experienced from stella making him kind of accustomed to it in a way. like he expects it now, almost. and i doubt he even realizes that himself - which is why he never talks about it - but it may explain that behaviour. or at least some of it.

also it may help explain why he became so aggressive and defensive after that (and still is to this day). like a ‘i’ve been weak once and someone hurt me so i’m not gonna let anyone do that to me again’ kind of thing? though i do think phil is also a massive part of that.

basically i think ben’s behaviours and issues and stuff are all a result of a combination of things that have happened to him, as opposed to ‘well this is because of phil, and this is because of stella’ you know? he’s complicated and traumatized and fucked up for lots of reasons and i couldn’t even begin to pick it all apart.

but yeah, as a result of it being something that’s not really at the forefront of ben’s (or anyone’s) mind, callum wouldn’t know about it, and probably wouldn’t find out about it until a lot further down the road. so when he does find out, i think callum would be quite surprised! because like… practically all of ben’s life is common knowledge on the square, and yet he’s never heard anything about stella.

so callum would probably be curious about it and maybe try to talk to ben about it (and i mean like this is in the future, not any time soon), but i think that ben wouldn’t really want to tbh. i think he’d probably feel like it’s something that’s not worth dwelling on, for either of them. so he’d tell callum, but he’d tell him the bare minimum and wouldn’t really go into details. and callum would respect that bc ofc he would. but i think it would just make him really, really sad. like as if ben hasn’t already had enough shit to deal with in his life but there’s more he didn’t even know about? it’s so unfair and callum just wishes he could protect ben from the world :-(

as for callum’s childhood, i’ve got a funny feeling we’re gonna get a bit of a glimpse at it when jonno comes back. or if not then, then surely it’ll come up at some point. but for me, i think that actually callum’s childhood may be worse than he makes out. while i think stuart basically took all of jonno’s physical abuse, i think that made him come down on callum twice as hard with the psychological abuse - emasculating him bc stuart was protecting him and like that whole ‘what, you can’t take it like a real man’ bullshit, belittling him for everything from the way he looked to the things he did to the friends he had… like i think that he was really, really fucking cruel to callum growing up. i just get that sense (and i just think callum has always been very good about not letting anyone see that he’s hurting, hence why even stuart seemed to think callum was a ‘happy kid’). and jonno probably threw the fact that their mum wasn’t around in both callum’s and stuart’s faces and made them feel like it was their fault she was gone, that it was because of them, because they weren’t good enough etc. add to that the fact that i’m pretty much certain jonno knew or at least suspected callum was gay when he was younger and probably made his life absolutely fucking miserable for that on top of everything else - probably threatened him with physical violence, maybe even as far as threatening to kill him. i mean it makes sense considering how petrified callum was (is?) of being gay, and some of the things jonno said last time he was around.

but you know, i think callum is and has been incredibly resilient, even as a kid, and so even though he was going through all of that shit, he was still, still always was happy and upbeat and kind. he didn’t let any of what was happening to him make him jaded and cruel the way stuart and ben did, and he still hasn’t. like you said, kindness and happiness must have become like his coping mechanism (a much better one than anger or violence, i must say) that’s why stuart made that comment about callum being a happy child - he was. he hid all of what was going on with him so well. he probably didn’t want to put any more of a burden on stuart, either. like callum is a fucking sweetheart with a massive, massive heart and he smiles no matter what’s going on with him. he’s just a pure, pure boy. a fountain of love. love him. angel :-(

#eastenders #ballum #ben mitchell #callum highway #abuse /#anon #question

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alo-piss-trancy · 5 years

Note

hello! do u have any omo hcs for any mha chars? if not, that's okay :) btw some of the stuff u posted from a while back was from homestuck, just wanted to point that out ig- have a good day!!

To answer your other thing first, yeah I know hom/estuck! :D I never got super into the fandom side of it or even finished reading it unfortunately bc it's just SO LONG (I got up to some point in the middle of Act 4 or 5 I think? That was years ago though). I know the 4 kids and the first batch of trolls around their age (K/arkat and all of them) but once it gets to the older ones from that other timeline or whatever I got lost and only really know about D/irk and Ja/ke haha. I've still tried to avoid spoilers about the stuff I didn't read and the ending and such since maybe one day I'll have nothing else to read and finish it lol. The most interaction I really do with it nowadays is reading the occasional omo fic or looking at art because the piss side of that fandom was chock-full of quality content (and in some places still MAKING IT ) that I'm still working my way through.

But you didn't ask about that you asked about SUPERHEROES! SO HERE WE GO! :D

I've posted a few for certain popular chars like De/ku, Baku/gou, and Tod/oroki before (which I will reblog right after answering this in case you'd like to see those), so I'll do a few of my favourites this time!

M/ina (aka pink bae) :

* Pretty big bladder, but not a high tolerance for pain after a certain point. As soon as she feels a nagging urge she usually just goes instead of waiting. She can technically hold a lot/for a long time if need be, but it really bothers her and psyches her out.

* Drinks WAY too much soda. Not that it really affects her bladder, it's just unhealthy lol

* Very whiny and vocal when she needs to go. At first jokingly/to vent her annoyance, then if she's desperate enough it's solely to distract herself because somehow talking about it is easier than struggling in silence. Groans really exaggeratedly to show how annoyed she is.

* Super bouncy, like hopping up and down on her toes or bouncing in her seat in class/on the bus. Tugs the hem of her shirt down to cover or places her hands to the front of her bladder and presses while doubled over/bouncing on toes. You know that kind of stuff.

* Doesn't really grab her actual crotch unless dying. She'll press her knees together/grind her thighs though, or rut against the edge of her chair

* She tends to sweat/get flushed when super desperate/straining, and if she's especially nervous she might lose control of her quirk enough for her feet to slip in a light bit of acid. Usually she can keep the quirk under wraps even while bursting though.

* If she wet in public/in front of important people, she'd be pretty embarrassed and would take a few days to get over it. But if it's in front of friends she doesn't mind as much. It's still an uncomfortable experience but she can usually find a way to turn it into a joke with everyone instead of them laughing at her expense. She has a good sense of humor about it and hey, at least she finally got to pee.

* Will pretty much pee anywhere. Boy's bathroom, outdoors, a bucket, whatever. The only time she'll hesitate or refuse is if it's super gross.

* Has gone in the pool once to see if the rumor was true. Only once though.

* Probably doesn't have an omo kin/k, but is open to experimenting either way.

Toko/yami (birb boi) :

* Tiny bladder (like smaller than De/ku's). Gets squirmy shortly after a single juice box or small soda. Cannot get through drinking a large-sized drink without multiple potty breaks. Mostly sticks to water except for rare treats because caffeine goes through him so fast.

* Very self-conscious and shy because of said tiny bladder. Doesn't like looking weak or seeming baby-ish compared to his peers and def doesn't want to have to ask multiple times on long trips or classes, so he tries his best to monitor his liquid intake and sneak away when everyone is busy. This usually works out okay since he's so good at hiding out in corners/being quiet, but it's becoming harder now that he has /gasp/ friends who want to keep tabs on him or include him in stuff. He would low-key rather die than tell anyone he has to go at all, let alone if he has to go really REALLY badly. Dorm sleepovers will be hell.

* He isn't really pee-shy as far as public bathrooms go, but if he has to take an emergency pee outside or smth he has a hard time going, esp if he has someone with him trying to stand guard. Some people probably like to joke that because he's part animal he can go outside whenever he wants. That is Not The Case and it isn't funny

* Da/rk Shadow, on the other hand, gives no fucks and will try his best to force birdy to say something or blurt it out himself. Mostly at very embarrassing and inconvenient times with crowds, or hollering at everyone to wake up and move out of the way during said sleepover in the middle of the night when To/koyami is trying to sneak past the maze of sleeping bags to get to the bathroom quietly. Da/rk Shadow would be lying if he said he didn't get a bit of amusement from making birdy boi so embarrassed, but at his core he also does it because he's concerned the poor guy's gonna hurt himself testing his limits so often, and he would be even more embarrassed if he wet himself so HE'S DOING HIM A FAVOUR REALLY.

* Mostly fidgets with his legs. Lots of jiggling and partial bouncing and shifting weight from foot-to-foot. Crossed whenever he's sitting. Squeezing and rubbing thighs together, the whole she-bang. If he's alone and it gets this bad you can count on a full-blown potty dance.

* If he really has to keep up a good impression and can't afford to let anyone know, he can stop the fidgeting, but pretty much only by standing stock-still and straight and not really moving. His whole body ends up shaking from the strain though so it isn't actually that much of a cover

* If he's literally about to pee himself/knows he has to hold it for a LONG time with no other options he'll cave and hold himself really tight, but he seriously has to be on the verge of a full blown accident before he'll dare do this. Even around close friends he'd usually rather just try his best to keep his legs together and put up with the few leaks praying they don't notice.

* He leaks a LOT of tiny trickling leaks. He never loses control in one big gush, it just keeps dribbling out and he stops it for like half a minute and then it starts again, rinse and repeat each time more agonizing than the last until he finally loses full control and the rests hisses out.

* He tries to be quiet when desperate but the worse it gets the more he starts to let out little whimpers and moans, which can then devolve into incoherent rambling. By the time he's about to lose it he's basically Izu/ku levels of chatter, albeit much much quieter.

*When he does finally let go completely (whether that's in the bathroom or in his pants lol) he definitely has those fullbody pee shivers. You know the lil shudder all the way up his spine, complete with the softest little moan and his eyes slipping shut? His head feathers floof up for a second when he does it and it's adorable.

* If he wets he's going to be completely mortified. He doesn't cry (openly at least, his eyes will be watery), but he isn't as good at maintaining a stoic facade as Tod/oroki could. He's shaky and his words come off broken, he can't quite calm his breath hitching. Depending on the witness, he might try to BS an excuse to leave immediately and pretend it didn't just happen, not confronting them for several days until he's tracked down. Or he might break down enough to be unsure how to leave/end up staying to be comforted.

* probably doesn't have a ki/nk for it himself but would hold/wet for a partner. I don't care how edgy he looks he's 100% a SUB

* Da/rk Shadow would enjoy being the dom and even have birdy hold for him maybe, using his shadow powers to poke and tease at his bladder

Ts/u (froggy) :

* BIG bladder. Is that friend who never seems to have to pee no matter how long you've been hanging out. She also has a decent pain tolerance and keeps control fairly well. It takes a lot to push her into a state where she's at risk of wetting.

* Always well-hydrated. Always. Mostly water, juice, or tea, she doesn't drink soda very often. Doesn't mind it though and the caffeine doesn't seem to affect her much, but the fizzing's weird.

* She doesn't really give outward signs of desperation. She doesn't bounce around or grab herself. The most she'll do is press her thighs together, or cross legs if she's sitting. Usually she just tries to stand still and focus on keeping control, and will be less talkative. Usually she's very observant of her peers and the situations around her, so her classmates can tell something's up when she gets like this and keeps missing details or not joining conversations.

* Still appears pretty calm, even when bursting. You'd have to know her very well to tell that she's nervous.

* Not shy at all about asking/leaving to go when needed, unless it's an extremely formal or serious situation. Even so, if genuinely close to wetting she'd excuse herself or find a way to take care of it.

* If desperate during an actual hero mission, she would intentionally wet herself as soon as the need started affecting her performance. Pride isn't worth making errors and putting others' lives at risk, and taking time to find a hiding place/get out of her costume wouldn't be an option.

* No problem going outside or in odd receptacles, even around friends. She's not going to go out in the open, but has no problem going while someone keeps watch or asking for a bottle during a long bus ride.

* Pretty chill about going in water, but still has standards. In the shower/further out in the ocean where it doesn't affect people? Perfectly fine. In the pool or a closed lake where people are hanging out? That just makes you a jerk. River? Depends on whether it's a super clean stream or already gross, and where it leads to.

* No omo ki/nk to speak of. Pretty confused about it, but perfectly chill with giving it a try if someone asks.

Kyo/ka (earphone girl) :

* Average bladder. High pain tolerance. Can hold for a while longer if necessary, but she'll struggle/wet eventually.

* Not shy at all about leaving/asking, barring special circumstances. Not a fan about going in weird places/outdoors, but will if she has to. She'll gripe about it though.

* Doesn't get nervous so much as frustrated when desperate. She's the type to bang on the door to snap at someone to hurry up, or yell at the bus driver to pull over before she soaks their seat. Her squirming is mainly just leg crossing or jiggling when seated, foot tapping when standing. Lots of sighing/growling and grumbling to take her mind off of it.

* If she's genuinely close to losing control though or in one of those special circumstances, she won't be nearly as frustrated. Instead she gets unusually shy and quiet, withdrawing to the corner and trying to stay unnoticed while she squirms and whines under her breath.

* Will only grab herself once she's on the verge of losing it. This is when she gets truly nervous and starts to panic.

* Wetting is embarrassing no matter what, but her reaction heavily depends on the circumstances. Close friends can comfort her after some sulking and then she can kind of chuckle about it. Regular peers get some threats not to talk about it, then she'll withdraw for a few days before she can get over it. Strangers she just tries to get out of there ASAP and wants to crawl under a rock

* Probably has a pretty big omo kin/k (mostly seeing others desperate, but sometimes indulges herself), but she's super embarrassed about it. You'd have to work real hard to get her to bring it up/ask you to participate. If she can though, oh boy is she gonna be into it. She gets a real thrill out of the dominant side of it, teasing people and watching them squirm (she's a very affectionate dom so expect some kisses and hugs while she casually straddles your bladder), breaking down their defenses until they lose control just for her. She does love being the sub on occasion though, it's nice to be the one flustered and nervous/having to be coddled for a change since she's usually so chill and tough.

Ko/da (animal whisperer) :

* Average bladder despite his large stature. Not overly weak, not overly strong. Mild pain tolerance. Can force himself to hold on for an exceptionally long time if necessary, but will be much weaker and prone to accidents afterwards.

* Pretty dang shy about asking/leaving, and is also legit bladdershy in public restrooms unless they're completely empty. Usually holds it during classes and then slips back to his dorm room's private restroom during lunch hour. Once he grows comfortable enough around certain friends he can use their dorm/house bathrooms, but that still takes some coaxing and a lot of visits to ease into it.

* He actually has less trouble going outside as long as there's plenty of cover and nobody's around (like a forest or smth). Animals don't judge the way people do. It's definitely not his first choice, but between say, a campground public bathroom and the woods, he'll take the woods.

* While most of his classmates/teachers in 1-A have gotten to know him enough to understand most of his miming communication, when he has to spend time with other classes/teachers or strangers in town, it can be a struggle. He's much more hesitant to 'speak up' about his need in the first place, and even once he does they don't really understand at first and it gets really embarrassing (short of doing an actual potty dance or starting to leak they might not figure it out in time). Sometimes he just writes it down instead/types it on his phone, which helps, but he's so used to charade communication that half the time he forgets that's an option.

* He tries not to be too obvious about his need when desperate, but isn't the best at hiding it. He gets really sweaty and can't quite wipe the nervous expression off his face, and his body posture is really tense and shaky. To be fair, he looks nervous a lot of the time, so most people might not pick up on the exact reason unless they know him well.

* When it gets REALLY bad he starts to squirm a little, pressing his knees together or rocking on his heels, shuffling in his seat, or the classic 'both hands gripping the edge of the chair with legs on either side, but you're not actually grabbing your crotch so it isn't obvious right?'. Any further and he'll do the actual crotch grab and a full potty dance, complete with tears budding in the corners of his eyes and little whining hums and whimpers.

* If he wets, he will be completely humiliated. Horribly ashamed, trying to clean up the mess but with no idea how, crying and on the verge of panic. That's all just alone. Have it happen in front of friends or in public and it's even worse, because now they're all gonna think he's a baby and not cool like them and he doesn't know whether to keep apologizing/crying or run away to hide forever.

* Luckily he's pretty easy to comfort once people try. He won't learn to laugh about it or anything but if people convince him they aren't mad or gonna make fun of him, he can meekly accept the offer to hang out or go back to join whatever group he left once he's cleaned up and had time to decompress.

* Doesn't really have an omo kin/k, but is a big sub with a humiliation kin/k so he could go along with it for his partner. He kinda likes the whole squirmy, blushy side of it and all the comfort and spoiling he gets afterwards uvu

Pi/xie Bob (blonde kitty teacher from the summer camp arc) :

* I actually don't have many for her since she was only in a few episodes, I just think she's really cute and cool

* Probably pretty good bladder capacity and strength to hold. High pain tolerance and endurance

* Would wet during a mission to avoid making mistakes bc she's a professional and isn't that embarrassed in the moment, but she thinks it's kinda gross and will shower ASAP afterwards. Also because her group is kind of idol-esque so there's a reputation on the line.

* Will go outdoors without much fuss if she needs to, but definitely prefers more civilized accommodations. You know she's got a nicer private bathroom than whatever general camp one the others have to use. Pros get privileges.

* Bounces/whines a lot when desperate and kind of paws at her crotch without really grabbing it. Lots of leg crossing and wriggling/hunching over. Only when by herself or with her close friends though. If she's in Pro-Hero mode trying to make good impressions or teaching camps, she can mask her needs remarkably well to focus on the task at hand. She forgets what she's saying periodically or has a shakier smile, but that's about it.

* FYI those giant cat paw gloves make getting a decent grip on her crotch imPAWsible

* Wetting is kind of embarrassing but she's also super relieved so it kind of balances out. Unless it happened live on tv or smth she'd probably be able to get over it pretty quickly. In front of any camper students she'd be embarrassed on the inside, but not let the flustering show. Instead she turns it into a teachable moment.

* Could have an omo kin/k or could not. We don't know a ton about her so I like flexible hcs.

#omorashi #omocute #fandomo #fictomo #bear gets a letter #boku no omo

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zombiejette · 5 years

Text

RadioDust HCs:

ok kids. bc i have no chill yet no desire to clean these ramblings up into an actual fic, have some of my extremely self-indulgent hcs for this ship. this is gonna get long-winded and wild, so strap tf in.

General HCs:

Alastor is gray or demisexual. Meaning he is generally sex-repulsed until he becomes incredibly close to someone. This is pretty much my standard HC across the board for him, especially when I’m trying to ship him with Angel cuz lord knows there needs to be a middle ground between their sexual natures somewhere lol

Even after falling for someone, he still is fairly indifferent to sex, but he does enjoy eliciting reactions, especially from someone he knows well. And in the rare event that he cares for another, he does genuinely want to bring them pleasure. Therefore he sees sex more as an extension of this and is willing to participate to make his partner happy/is interested in creating their reactions

Likes to know he’s the only one to rile them up as well, part of his power kink

Alastor also has no idea what these identity terms mean either: is a clueless murderous old man

Angel is a tad more Woke™, especially after being in Hell for a while

Having younger generations of demon friends helps with this: Cherri or Vaggie being the ones to usually clue him in to more modern concepts

Drives Angel up a gd wall when he attempts to explain a modern invention/slang/pop culture reference to Alastor, who only digs his heels in with Not Understanding it just to piss him off more

Alastor not only does understand, but saves this fact for the times when he really wants to impress/screw with Angel, or when the knowledge comes in handy

He’ll never forget the look on Angel’s face when he casually informed him that the deer selfie filter is actually super offensive to him and would you please be a ‘deer’ and cease using it on insta thank you now there’s a love

Angel is now super paranoid that Alastor will see all his social media interactions somehow, despite him NOT having any accounts anywhere

Does not stop him from posting nsfw selfies and tagging them with #alastor/radiodemon in the least

Anemia HCs:

ok so i read somewhere that angel was anemic on the hazbin wiki info, or something?? i don’t know if that was real or not but uh... i took it and ran with it, so now it’s my hc, and this whooooole thing turned itself into a multi-part mini fic, which is all under the cut. if you’re dying of radiodust thirst like me, pls enjoy this mess.

Part One:

Angel is indeed anemic, and the first time Alastor finds out is when he literally passes out into his arms like a bad ‘Gone with the Wind’ parody

At first Alastor was disgusted, thinking this was yet another stupid ploy to hit on him... until he realized Angel wasn’t speaking anymore

Something that never happens

He wasn’t expecting to care, let alone lift the spider the rest of the way into his arms, carrying him to Charlie so she can figure this out

One second, Angel was fainting on him, the next, Alastor found himself sitting by his bed, placing a cool cloth over his brow and waiting for Charlie to get back with supplies

Almost like something out of those novels Mother used to think she had so cleverly hidden away

Hmm

Somehow, that thought alone was not enough to make him leave, so there he dutifully remained

Even as Angel woke up, groggy, yet giving him maybe the smallest, softest smile he’d ever seen the demon make

”Al... you stayed...”

Well that was certainly something. The way it made his pulse race quicker and palms sweat under his gloves was definitely new. And apparently enough to keep him sticking around through Charlie’s fussing and prodding and Angel’s consequent refusal of said mothering

Until Alastor remembered that anemic means lack of iron

iron like from meat

meat like from animals

and animal meat was his specialty!

Without another word, he left for the kitchen, only to return with a giant steak dinner (clearly bullied out of the staff in a rush), complete with mashed potatoes and vegetables and a large glass of orange juice

Literally everything Angel never eats

He refused to leave until it was all eaten, sitting back in his chair and bribing Angel with the offer to tell him a story as he finished it

And so he does, weaving a vivid tale just like back in his radio star days, complete with voices and hand gestures

Never before had Angel and Charlie ever seen Alastor quite this engaged in something that wasn’t murder or chaos; instead spinning a yarn about a boy and his magical pig who helps him to find his lost twin sister

Angel is quite enraptured, naturally, having to be prompted to keep eating a couple times, and Charlie hangs back by the doorway, absolutely beside herself internally at what’s unfolding before her

Vaggie would no doubt try to convince her otherwise later, and she may just be a princess of hell, but she knows love when she sees it dammit!

Eventually, she can sense the story’s end coming near, and as much as she wants to hear it, she wants their story to begin more, so she quietly slips away and leaves them alone

The tale indeed ends and Angel swallows the last of the drink, both quiet a moment, looking at each other

“…. Where’d ya hear that one Al?”

“Hear it?”

“Ya know, where’d you get it from? Some old fairy tale book? A movie? It’s real good and I know Molly would love that it’s basically just like us, so if ya tell me where to find it I can-“

“Nowhere. I made it up.”

“You made that up!!? Just now!?”

a small chuckle “Yes, that is what storytellers do…”

“… For me?”

Alastor pauses at that, regarding him again

“I suppose… Yes, yes that one was just for you. About you, really… with some… embellishments,” he twirls a hand nonchalantly in the air before returning it to the other in his lap “Either way I’ve never told it to anyone before, if that’s what you’re after.”

And there’s that smile again, the one that Angel never wore before today, and the one that Alastor would find himself chasing every day since, whether he realizes it or not

Part Two:

The only downside to this is now Alastor will not leave Angel alone about his iron intake

Constantly asking him if he’s had anything substantial today, pushing juices and vitamins and most of all meat onto him, sometimes holding him hostage to watch him eat it

Angel would be flattered if it didn’t interfere with his drug and alcohol habit so much

“Al, geez let up wouldya!? I’m already in Hell, why do I gotta be HELLthy too huh??” a smirk accompanied that, despite himself

the radio demon sighs “As much as I appreciate a well-timed pun, I must insist” he taps where Angel’s nose would be on a normal face “I’m already well aware that you’ll never be ‘healthy’, but I’d take conscious as a consolation prize.”

“Really?? YOU prefer me conscious??”

“Don’t flatter yourself-” he scoffed faintly “I have a hotel to endorse, and you are it’s prized resident, my opinions on the matter non-withstanding. I can’t very well have the famed Angel Dust dropping like a fly at a moment’s notice over such a small thing as malnutrition. What kind of operation would this look like if we couldn’t at least keep on top of something as simple as anemia, hmm?”

For once, Angel had nothing to return fire with, since the last time someone gave him such a convincing speech about his well-being was his sister right before his death, and he really didn’t feel like putting anyone through that agony again

Not even Alastor

After that, Angel takes whatever food Al gives him in annoyed silence, but he still takes it

Though it’s getting harder and harder to remain annoyed when what Alastor gives him starts increasing in quality

At first it’s swiped energy bars or simply juice, but then progresses to sandwiches and fruit and deviled eggs and little spinach quiches and tortes and assortments of cheeses that can’t be easy to procure down here, even with Alastor’s influence

If you cornered him, Angel would never admit it, but he actually forgot how much he missed real food after being inebriated constantly, and Al’s little treats become the new highlight of his day

He’ll even stop using some of the harder drugs so he can better taste them

Charlie would never tell them for fear of the whole thing stopping on an embarrassed dime, but she’s so so proud of them both for this little secret transaction

Angel does start looking and acting better as a result, even though he still abuses alcohol and softer drugs and def keeps his sexual nature intact

But he’s less irritable and prone to lashing out, and his coloring is brighter and his hair sleeker

He also isn’t as tired as often and hasn’t fainted at all since the first time, just feeling overall stronger and more lucid

Which he can’t really complain about even though he wants to

Part Three:

The hotel even benefits from this, some small press circulating about Angel’s newfound constitution and attributing it to their work

In celebration, one night Alastor invites him to a proper dinner at one of Hell’s most famous fancy restaurants

One where the press could easily find them if they wanted

Angel knows this is just to show off his progress but doesn’t shy away from it- for once excited to eat out somewhere and not “eat out” if ya know what I mean

Besides, Alastor doesn’t seem that perturbed to be seen in public with him either, a rare development and not one to scoff at

They both dress up nicer than normal for it, making a big show as the hotel’s representatives, even walking in arm-in-arm

Angel is not immune to the certain type of looks they get as they arrive, and wonders if he should tell Al

Seeing the man with one of his more casual and less murderous smiles on as they take their seats convinces him not to

It would be a shame to get their outfits all bloody anyway

Especially since Angel decided to return to his drag look for the evening, complete with a new skintight velvet dress, feeling far fancier all dolled up than in any of his menswear

The glances Al gives him from time to time don’t hurt either, eyes noticeably lingering on his exaggerated chest fluff each time

Something Angel has no problem with, leaning forward and accentuating it more, resting his chin on a hand lightly to prop his figure up

Alastor orders for the both of them since he knows the place better, raving about their veal and venison dishes on the way over

Earlier in the year, this might have unnerved Angel more, knowing the demon’s penchant for savagery and carnage when it came to “hunting”, but now? He found it almost charming, that Al was so invested in the meat selection of Hell’s dining establishments that he even made his own ranking system for the best places to get each type of animal, who better prepared it according to cuisine, and how each cut measured up in quality

Angel took the liberty of perusing their liquor selection to create his own ranking system, just to be fair

Would be impolite to let Al do all the work on this date after all

….. wait…..

Date???

The fork clattering to the floor jarred Angel back to his senses, realizing his elbow had slipped abruptly from its perch at the very thought, almost in an allergic reaction to the word

Al only raised a controlled eyebrow at the flustered way Angel ducked down to retrieve it under the table skirt

Which is of course the very moment the paparazzi decided to start snapping their pictures

Alastor quickly spun around at the flashing lights, smiling dangerously at them and stopping some of the more cowardly photographers, but not quite enough

Angel, oblivious, continued rooting around for the fork, all the while inching closer and closer towards Alastor’s seat

“Angel!” Al hissed, finally reaching under and putting a hand on Angel’s hair to still him. Of course not making this look any better. “Sit up. Now.”

“Wait, but I almost got it Al-ahh!”

He was roughly pulled up by the back of his dress and sat up, hair mussed and face flushed incriminatingly, only making Alastor groan in defeat at some more camera snaps

It took half a second, but Angel suddenly understood, face blank in momentary shock

Alastor fully expected him to turn it into another lewd joke, brush it off and dig the hole deeper, most certainly at the expense of his own comfort

He quickly steeled himself for the impending barrage of innuendos and unwanted touching

What he wasn’t prepared for was Angel to suddenly leave the table, storming right up to the cameramen with the angriest look he’d ever seen on the spider’s face

“Ey ya parasites!! Let me see those!” he holds a couple of impatient hands out for their cameras, still fuming

Some actually comply out of complete shock, not at all used to Angel Dust getting mad about being photographed ever, especially over anything sexual

Angel proceeds to delete the photos off the first camera… then gets more and more frustrated when the pictures just wouldn’t stop coming. After a while, he just smashes the camera on the ground in a huff

“Fuck this it’ll take too long!” he points to the remaining paparazzi with intact cameras, still shocked and clutching them “Y’all are gonna delete every SINGLE photo you took of that little misunderstanding just now, alright?? Or else I’m gonna keep smashing cameras! Got it??”

They all nod and start deleting hurriedly

“And if ANY a ya think about gettin’ wise and leaking some anyway… well… let’s just say I had a much more deadly occupation than porn star when I was alive…” his face darkens at that, putting on his best godfathers voice to hit it home “And I ain’t afraid a comin’ out of retirement temporarily… Capisce?”

They capisce

He returns to the table with a resigned sigh and combs through his wig to tame it again, taking out a compact to fix his face

Completely ignoring the stunned absence of a smile on Alastor’s

Eventually Angel dares to glance at it and gives him an involuntary cringe

“Ah... Sorry Al…” he starts slowly, stowing the compact away again in his bosom and looking down chagrined “I know I went and made a scene in your favorite place and… and yer probably real mad and all an’… oh damn, Charlie’s gonna kill me if you don’t firs-“

“-Thank you.”

“W.. wait what??”

“Thank you…” Alastor repeated, if only to assure himself he was really saying it “I… it was… I never expected you to get mad…”

“Al?”

“I thought you’d let them… run with it” he waves a hand, explaining himself, somewhat awkwardly “Especially since it… it would help you. Your reputation. To be caught with the radio demon like… like that.”

The way his voice became so small on the last two words worried Angel much more than he’ll ever admit. The way you could hear the mortification behind his smile. He always knew Al was adverse to the act but never had he seen him actually terrified by it. Paralyzed by the stark realization of how close he came to becoming its subject… even if only as a rumor

It simply emboldened Angel’s resolve

the spider scoffed lightly “Well yeah… maybe if that’s what we had been doin’… or if you were into that stuff at all…”

“What?”

“I mean we weren’t even actually tryin’! I was just lookin’ fer a dumb fork for cryin’ out loud-!“

“No… no what about… me being into it?”

a pause, and then a one-shouldered shrug “Well it’s not the same thing as a payin customer is it?… Like you don’ even LIKE sex and stuff and… it’s different when it’s just us flirtin’ and bullshittin’ around at the hotel… I know you hate that too but at least there no one ain’t tryin’ ya capitalize on yer pain. Word never gets out. No one knows just how much I get under yer skin, so it’s almost like it never happened. But these pictures…” he waved both of his right hands in unison, motioning for emphasis “They’re permanent.. and they’d only be helpin’ my reputation while hurtin’ yours…”

Alastor just continues to stare

“A-and the hotel’s… of course…”

Finally a smile returns to his face, but with no hint of anything except appreciation behind it

“Of course…”

Part Four:

The rest of dinner went smoothly

Al had indeed picked well, and the dishes were some of the best Angel had ever tasted, other than his Momma’s cooking of course

When Al made a small chuckle at even that joke, Angel knew he must’ve done something right to land this far in the radio demon’s good graces

Though it could very well be the booze’s doing

Angel had insisted on ordering their drinks to compensate for the fiasco earlier, and had created specialty cocktails for each of them, based on what they ate

He was relieved when Alastor gave a small hum of approval mid-sip, downing a generous amount with an easy smile

And then finishing off three more with dinner

Both were quite full and loose by the time they finished, even getting a small tray of beignets for desert

They found they hadn’t even argued once, save for small asides and joking prods. But really arguing? Hadn’t even crossed their minds. Instead they bonded over jazz artists they both liked, reminisced about the 30′s while filling each other in on the decades they missed, talked a bit about their hometowns, and threw some mutual shade about residents of the hotel they couldn’t stand

Turns out they had quite a lot in common…

They paid on the hotel’s tab and finally headed out to the limo, only swaying slightly and linking arms again to subtly stabilize each other

This time the paparazzi was nowhere in sight, probably long scared off by now

Which is good since Alastor had suddenly removed his arm from Angel’s to pull him in around the waist, keeping the demon from tripping over a nearby curb by pressing him further into his side. Out of reflex, entirely.

After all, it’s not like he’d ever willingly choose to close their proximity. Just like he’d never willingly choose to notice the way Angel’s chest bounced softly against his, or how four hands grasping onto him felt oddly right, or how tempting the velvet hugging the curve of Angel’s lower back became under his fingertips

He’d only occasionally felt this way about accidental invasions of personal space before, and that fact did nothing to reassure him or his nerves

Nor did the pounding of his undead heart in his ears

Angel was also feeling the tension, but for a whole ‘nother reason

Drinks always made him more forward, and having a full belly for once numbed that urge into more of a simmering lust, cozy and comfortable and heavy

Getting tangled up in Alastor’s arms suddenly only made him want one thing

One thing he was telling himself desperately not to do

Which was real hard with Al’s face so so close to his, looking back at him with his own flush dusting along his cheeks and that smile still there, but slightly parted, waiting, hesitant of what it wanted to become but open to suggestions

Suggestions that Angel had plenty of

“You… you were about to trip… my dear…” Alastor finally explained in a hush, dipping a finger into the still water between them and rippling it quietly, grip on him still firm

“…. Ah…” slowly Angel righted himself, not moving away from him, but leaning on him less “That…. that sounds like me…” he offered a lopsided grin at his own joke, daring to look Alastor in the eyes again

Looking for what exactly, he wasn’t sure

And guessed he would never find out, seeing the moment vanish underfoot with the crunch of the limo’s tires, pulling up beside them

Alastor still offered him his hand though, helping guide Angel inside first, then sliding in after

Sitting at least one person apart, the drive begins in unsteady silence, neither exactly looking away but definitely not trying to confront anything either

That is until Alastor starts to fidget with his bow tie, inexplicably feeling very warm

Deciding to simply undo it entirely and redo it looser, he starts it out like usual, but his fingers can’t seem to find their footing and keeps losing track of the last few steps

On the third try, Angel sighs dramatically beside him

“Honestly Al…”

And just like that, the spider is making use of his extra arms and tugging the whole mess loose again, faces mere inches apart as he concentrates and deftly reties it in a perfect bow, which gently hugs the base of Al’s throat as his adam’s apple bobs with a nervous kind of grace

It ends far too quickly and now there is nothing left to keep them in this close… nothing Alastor can invent to explain away how Angel’s fingers linger on the edges of the fabric, or how he wants to undo more of his clothing just for those hands to fix him up again

So he does the only logical thing he can think of

The kiss hits Angel with a sort of intensity he wasn’t expecting, feeling himself pulled in by two gloved hands on his bare shoulders, touch light but not unsure, desperate but without any urgency, simply grounding them together in this moment

Their lips moved against each other’s slowly, mounting in a gentle exploration with Angel deferring to Alastor’s lead, his lower set of hands lightly resting along Al’s hips, asking permission at first until a soft moan granted him it

Eyes fluttering closed, the kiss deepened until it became a series of many, some opened-mouthed, tongues hinting at entering but never actually doing so, and all of them amidst small noises and panting breaths, desire simmering just under the surface of it all

Angel had never kissed like this… never thought to kiss like this… the boiling heat of lust kept at bay by a promise to just make out, to just keep it at another’s pace. All the while flushing his body with a white hot pulsing want that could only wait for someone else to grant it release?? Oh he could die all over again from this torture and would only beg for more. Never getting it being it’s own bittersweet reward

Alastor grappling meanwhile with why he suddenly wanted so very much as well, why, as he clung to Angel’s soft fur-lined skin and let their mouths dance relentlessly, he never once wanted to pull away. Never wanted to run and hide in the solace and safety of the self, was all too happy to let Angel’s hands cup and hold his hips and reward him with moaning sounds he rarely ever makes

His head was swimming in it, and he was oddly eager to let himself drown

Eventually they parted, breathless and slow but mutual, eyes opening again and glossily gazing at the other, searching for silent signs of yes, no, more?, sorry?, good?

“A-Al… I..”

Fingertips graced the speaking lips to silence them again, a small shake of the head a confirmation of no apology needed. “… That was… I liked that…” He offered, smiling small and gentle for once, an acknowledgement of how very rare this had really been. How nothing about this was usual, but not necessarily unwanted

Angel was now convinced he’d died twice

“You… yeah?” he smiled back, just as hopeful

Another nod, Alastor chewing words behind his closed mouth, clearly processing something

“… I don’t… I don’t want you to get… too excited but…”

Angel surprised him with his patience

“… I have kissed before. I… actually more than that as well but...” he shakes his head to keep himself on track before he loses his nerve “It’s not often. And it’s definitely not for fun… not for just… anyone.”

Angel hopes to heaven his smile isn’t too excited

a small exhale before continuing “What I’m trying to say is…. I can’t guarantee anything. I cant... predict how I’ll feel about more… or about everything. But I can tell you that I liked this. And… I’d like to do this sometimes… with you. If you don’t push me for more…”

Two hands held Alastor’s close to his chest, squeezing them once with an earnest smile

“I promise Al. I promise I won’t push… at least I’ll really really try. I know I’m shitty at self-restraint and I won’t lie, I’m fuckin’ pent up as shit right now…” his small chuckle was met with a slightly sarcastic eyebrow, feigning momentary annoyance “But… but I really liked that too. I ain’t never… I ain’t never felt this good after just makin’ out! I didn’t know I could…”

Alastor hums a bit in amusement, hands traveling from Angel’s grip to slide gently down the sides of the velvet dress he’s poured into “Well… seems tonight was a good one for a lot of firsts…” he watched Angel’s small shiver with some glee “Though I might just blame it all on this devilish dress…”

a breathless chuckle “Oh yeah, Al? You like it that much?”

“Yes…” no hesitation as he strokes small circles into the fabric with his thumbs, just over the start of Angel’s hipbones “I’ve always been partial to velvet…. and pretty creatures wearing it…”

Their second kiss lasted all the way home

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hermannsthumb · 5 years

Note

Because I am in a mood for horrible things, what do you think of Hermann getting to close to uncovering the truth so Precursor possessed Newt seduces him into bed as a distraction? Bonus if the Precursors taunt Hermann about it later.

i know this ask is from like. august. but i literally filled this ages ago and FOR SOME REASON....NEVER POSTED IT UP. looking over it now it’s definitely because right after i wrote it i was like :( no bonus unfortunately thatd probably kill me to write

so im editing it a little bit but....here is one of the only uprising compliant fics ive ever written LOL (also the “play with your test tubes” line is ripped literally directly from the novelization. which i never bothered to read bc i hated the film but i have some Choice bits saved via a friend. like the test tubes line) rated E/18+ below cut

There’s something off about Newton.

Newton’s always been vain. He always did his hair up with too much product and wore jeans a bit too tight and stressed and fretted over even the smallest wrinkle, but he never wore suits like this before, never kept himself so perfectly shaven, never kept his waist so trim. He’s lost his soft edges, the glasses that used to frame his face so nicely. He’s colder, too—colder to strangers, colder to Hermann. They fought in the past, of course, argued incessantly, took petty jabs at each other’s disciplines, but Newton never outright refused to discuss research with Hermann before.

Hermann’s research won’t matter, Newton says, his drones will make this obsolete, Hermann’s wasting his time, Hermann shouldn’t bother.

It’s been a decade, Hermann knows, people change in a decade, Hermann himself has changed in a decade (Hermann’s a little lonelier, a little sadder, a little more spontaneous, a little messier), but there’s something off. Something wrong. Hermann can’t quite place it. Hermann—

“You should come ‘round for dinner,” Newton says. His demeanor has changed, so subtly—all business before, but now, he’s standing close, eyelids half-mast, lips curled into a lazy smile. “We could catch up. Talk about that experiment of yours. Play with your—” Newton casts a little glance at the door, then takes a step forward, drags a finger down Hermann’s chest, “—test tubes.”

“Oh,” Hermann says, mouth hanging open, and something is very wrong, but it’s been so long since he’s made love to Newton, so long since he’s been the subject of Newton’s raw desire, some ten long, long years spent without Newton’s kisses and Newton’s touch. “Ah. I.”

Newton drags his finger lower, skimming over the fastening Hermann’s trousers, and Hermann’s knees threaten to buckle. “Mm?”

“Dinner,” Hermann stammers. “Dinner would be lovely, Newton.”

“Tomorrow night,” Newton says, snapping his hand away, and he’s as brisk and businesslike as he was before. “I’ll have my people pick you up when you’re done with—” He waves his hand at the mess of Hermann’s lab and wrinkles his nose. “This. Yeah?”

“Alright, Newton,” Hermann says, heart pounding. “Thank you.” He nearly cringes at the words before they leave his mouth—how weak, how pathetic Newton must see him, grovelling like a desperate ex-lover for the slightest bit of attention. (Is he an ex-lover?)

“And, uh, wear something nice,” Newton says, looking Hermann up and down skeptically. Hermann’s hands go to his collar immediately, smoothing over it, self-conscious; he quite likes this shirt. He thought Newton would’ve liked it, which is why he wore it today in the first place. Newton doesn’t notice, just slips his sunglasses back on. He’s gone with a little wave and without a second glance.

Newton’s people pick Hermann up exactly as Newton promised the following night. He sends a big, fancy car, far more extravagant than anything either of them have owned in their entire lives, with a minibar in the back. The driver tells Hermann Dr. Geiszler insists Hermann make himself comfortable, have as many drinks as he’d like. “Why couldn’t Dr. Geiszler be here, then?” Hermann says, politely refusing the man’s attempts to take his suit coat for him.

The driver doesn’t answer.

He gets shown to the front of Newton’s condo complex, gets instructed to the right room, and then he’s riding the elevator up and standing in front of Newton’s door. He almost can’t bring himself to knock. “It’s unlocked,” Newton calls from inside as Hermann raises his hand, almost like he can sense Hermann. Perhaps some strings of their neural link remain, frayed and weakened by time though they may be. “Come on in.”

Hermann pushes open the door. Newton’s condo is far too extravagant, far too elegant for Hermann’s and Newton’s tastes, marble countertops and windows the size of walls, but that’s not what makes Hermann nearly stumble, grip his cane hard, makes him say “Newton?” in surprise.

There’s candles lit on what’s presumably the dining table, the counters, the coffee table, and Newton’s leaning against the table with a glass of wine and in a very sheer robe. It’s more like lingerie than anything. There’s absolutely nothing beneath it. Hermann snaps his eyes up, and Newton sets his glass down. “Hermann,” he says, and swoops in, throws his arms over Hermann’s shoulders. He’s so warm, so close, and it’s so much after nothing for so long, and Hermann very nearly gasps when Newton presses their lips together in a kiss.

“Newton,” Hermann repeats, feeling vaguely foolish, because he’d been hoping the night would go like this but didn’t by any means expect it, “what are you—that is—?”

Newton flutters his eyelashes prettily. “I wanted to dress up for you,” he says, and wraps his fingers around Hermann’s neat tie.

“I wanted to talk about my research,” Hermann says weakly. “We—”

Newton rubs his hips against Hermann’s, bare skin on fabric. Newton’s already hard, the head of his prick flushed red. (This isn’t right, Hermann thinks, something isn’t right with Newton, but oh, Newton is so handsome, so lovely, only more so with age, with the grey at his temples and the little lines at the corners of his eyes that Hermann wants nothing more than to kiss over and over. Hermann should’ve been there to watch him grow old.) “Research?” Newton says. He gives an exaggerated pout. Purposefully silly. It’s more like the Newton Hermann remembers. “That’s boring, man, come on.”

“I suppose—ah.” Newton leans back in and runs his tongue along Hermann’s lower lip, rubs his prick at the front of Hermann’s trousers again, and Hermann’s brain feels fuzzy.

“Come sit,” Newton says in his ear, and he threads the fingers of his right hand with Hermann’s left and tugs him forward. Hermann lets Newton pull him to the sofa and sit him down, lets him set his cane aside delicately, and then Newton settles himself down atop Hermann’s lap. “Hermann,” he sighs, nosing at Hermann’s neck, “I missed you so much, honey. I’ve been so lonely without you.” He picks up one of Hermann’s hands and slides it across his chest, just over one of his nipples, and rubs his prick against the front of Hermann’s nice dress shirt. He lowers his voice. “Do you still remember how I like to be touched?”

Of course Hermann remembers. He remembers how to draw sighs from Newton, gasps of pleasure, how to take him apart until he’s trembling in Hermann’s arms and breathing out pledges of love. He wonders if Newton remembers how to do the same for him. Hermann brushes his thumb over the nipple presented so readily in front of him and feels Newton shiver. “Newt,” he croaks (he came to talk about business, about his research), “I really could use your input on my work. Ah.” Newton worries Hermann’s earlobe between his teeth. “You see. Newton. Ah. It’s not quite finished, you see—”

“Mm-hmm?” Newton hums, working open Hermann’s top few buttons. Hermann can’t help but rub his thumb over the same nipple once more and elicit another little shiver of pleasure.

“The equation,” Hermann says, as Newton kisses his throat and Hermann strains in his trousers, “I’m missing—” Newton takes his other hand, pushes it under the fabric of the little sheer robe and down his lower back, down to the curve of his ass, and Hermann lets out a deep groan. “Oh, Newton…”

“C’mon,” Newton says, and bites at his earlobe again. “We can talk after.” He’s grinning. Hermann’s too entranced by him to do anything but nod.

Newton takes him to bed, then, to his ridiculous, absurd, oversized bed, pushes Hermann down and rides him fast, doesn’t even bother to take Hermann’s shirt off fully and leaves Hermann’s trousers bunched around his knees, cries and begs and tells Hermann how much he missed him, how much he’s wanted him for so long.

(“Why didn’t you call,” Hermann snarls, gripping Newton’s thighs hard enough to leave red half-moons against his inked skin, “why didn’t you email, or text, or—”)

(It’s the best orgasm Hermann’s had in ten years.)

“Stay the night,” Newton says later, propped up on his elbow and idly tracing across Hermann’s jaw with his finger. “I’ll make everything up to you, starting tomorrow.”

There’s a curtain covering something in the corner of Newton’s bedroom, something big, something Hermann hadn’t noticed in his previous haze of lust, and Hermann can’t stop staring. He doesn’t like it. “Newton, love,” Hermann begins.

“I’ll actually make dinner,” Newton continues, not noticing Hermann’s discomfort. Perhaps ignoring it. He nips at Hermann’s throat. “Whatever you want. Or we could go out somewhere fancy. There’s a place—”

“What is that?” Hermann points at the curtain.

Newton steals a little kiss. “Forget about that rocket fuel,” he says, lips brushing against Hermann’s. “I don’t want you hurting yourself. Or worse. I mean, what would I do without you, Hermann?”

Hermann tears his eyes away from the curtain, his chest clenching painfully. Ten years of radio silence from Newton. “You seem to be faring pretty well without me,” he spits out, bitter.

Newton straddles Hermann’s waist again, pressing kisses to his neck once more. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I’ve just been so busy, Hermann, and stressed, it wasn’t on purpose, I’d never blow you off like that on purpose.” He rubs their noses together. “I love you.”

Hermann wraps his arms around Newton, holding him in place. Newton has been busy, he supposes, and stressed, which would explain why he’s been so odd, so distant. He still makes love the same—vocal, enthusiastic, eager to please Hermann and be pleased in return—still kisses the same, still touches Hermann the same. He’s still the man Hermann loves. “I know,” Hermann sighs. He kisses the top of Newton’s head. He doesn’t think he’ll ever quite be able to forgive Newton for all those years, but he’s certainly willing to start something new.

“Forget about the fuel?” Newton says.

Hermann really could hurt himself with ill-advised experiments with kaiju blood. (Besides: Newton’s concern is proof Newton still cares about his well-being.) “Alright, Newton,” Hermann says, unable to help his smile, and Newton steals another little kiss.

“Stay the night,” Newton insists once more. “I’ll cook breakfast.”

Newton’s bed is comfortable. Newton is even more comfortable. Hermann nods.

It’s good to have Newton back.

#newmann #maria's fanfiction tag #this is SIGNIFICANTLY angstier than my usual fills i need to like. cleanse myself #not sfw //////////#Anonymous

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advernia · 5 years

Text

i’m amazed that i’ve been active for at least a couple days straight??? is it the effect of lesser fe3h playtimes + the silly coworker writing challenge at the workplace??? oh well ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

since i remembered i was trying to make work commentary a thing here, more rambling / author’s notes under the cut!

jul 6th // ikerev

push your way through the cracks is the first edgar/mc i’ve written here and while i’ve mentioned there that edgar is my fav out of the cast, i fear that i’ll probably take me a very long time to write another one bc... he’s my favorite. i noticed i have the tendency not to write much (or have finished works) about ships i really, really like despite... you know, liking them. hopefully not - shipping aside, i like exploring the characterizations of enigmatic types like edgar.

about the fic, i pretty much like it save for the second part bc i think i could’ve done something more with it - not exactly change the setting, but expounded a little further on it. i don’t know, it feels lacking somehow in comparison to the first two.

there are a lot of flower-related descriptions tossed here and there, but i think i succeeded in not being so purple prose-y? hopefully! this was pretty descriptive, i guess.

with this edgar fic present, that means i have 2 more red army doods to write about, namely zero & jonah. i was really aiming to make edgar the last one tho haha.

jul 12th // ikerev

weave me into your web is canon based, specifically pt. 24 of sirius’ route where they say ‘goodbye’. note those quotation marks.

i think i wrote this after a discussion i had with a friend about sirius & his route - she read some posts commenting on the route and she wanted a nearby opinion. we got into an agreement: while we do find sirius to be indeed husbando material, his route would’ve risked nothing if they gave him more / emphasized his flaws. his flaws, not mc’s, gosh.

no, seriously. in my opinion, mc fretting so much about being immature sort of blinds her from the little things that prove sirius is not so composed as he appears to be. it gets even worse when she realizes she’s fallen in love with him, and while i enjoy the black army going kira-kira rabu support team + seth being hopeless suitor, i’m going 50/50 on mc. she’s written to be indeed very single-minded come the war phase and while that’s not necessarily bad since she gets to broaden her perspective as she always does, i think i would’ve appreciated it if she came to most of the realizations on her own by reflecting on them based on how the events around her are progressing; and not simply by sirius / someone else pointing it out for her. no wonder she’d think she’s immature in comparison - it also irks me a bit that she keeps on fretting about her feelings for sirius. this is what i’d be sad to see again in other routes: the romance overthrowing the potential / present character development.

side note: i understand that in relationships with a notable age gap, maturity / perceived maturity can be a problem - i just wished that the route downplayed on this bc honestly, there are other things more interesting to explore than that angle, like, say; isn’t she from another culture or world or something????????? will those differences affect our potential relationship??????????????

on sirius himself, i recall reading on reddit that one person didn’t pick up ikerev for the reason that the cast is too perfect. that’s a fair opinion. i think i can relate this to sirius himself: while throughout the route you do see some flaws in him, he’s still overall the dude you’d write home about + that dude you’d dream introducing to your parents complete with that suave voice (thank u junichi suwabe). no, i’m not saying that he has to have some unlikable or quirky trait / wangsty backstory, it’s just that in my opinion he’s desirable but not exactly relatable. let him struggle, let me see him rise up from it. show me his humanity. there’s the scene with him and lancelot, but i want more. tho him being afraid of being alone is what i find extremely relatable and endearing about him, very nice. otherwise... well, maybe i have to reread the route again or smth.

anyway. the fic emphasizes actually on his character trait of self-control / restraint. did u know too much is bad for u??? it can reflect that since you hold yourself back too much, it could mean that you’re masking your true feelings, for example. there are various psychological studies on that. *stares at sirius* hMMM.

i took care to be quite descriptive on that kiss scene and at the same time, not to be so emotional on it bc it’s still sirius lol - i believe he’s not one to lose himself completely to his emotions, but he’s not that afraid to succumb to some of it - especially if he actually wants to feel them.

... this turned out to be a rant portion rather than a fic commentary now didn’t it

aug 24 // ikerev (i’m seeing a pattern here)

a beginner’s guide to waltz was seriously just some formatting experiment, then it blew up to something larger. i actually like it tho, it’s cute.

writing oliver is actually fun, not bc of the reason that i can be rude. he is rude, but he’s not like that for just the sake of being so. as seen with blanc, it’s probably a result of habit. why exactly he chose to be verbally aggressive is something i’d like to know in his route.

i have no idea how the relationship shift is portrayed either, but i do hope it’s a mortifying revelation on mc’s part lol. like, lookie here, that little kid with his wee shorts and pretty hat that you hang out with all the time and don’t care about acting so ladylike around was that hot hunk who saved you before! oliver’s so amused and never letting her live it down.

for the line ‘i’m not interested in asking you about a decision you’ve made since you arrived here’: the decision mentioned is mc’s promise not to fall in love & to go home. i think oliver would be one of those routes where he falls for her but wants her to go home anyway, but the difference in his route is that he’s very adamant to make her leave. maybe thinking along the lines of ‘i don’t want you to end up like me’ or something. idk. idk what i’m trying to type at this point, lol.

just some random thought, but i do hope ikerev artist tcg someday draws mc in the game outfits / hairstyles bc she’s actually rly pretty. the description of mc’s outfits / fashion of part 4 of the fic was out of me just staring at the my closet portion of the game. don’t ask - i like the hc of oliver & mc having elegant wardrobes / fashion sense, and since i’m too lazy to check up 19th century london fashion trends...

sep 28 // collar x malice

haunted by something still alive was the result of me thinking about guns. don’t ask me either. maybe it’s also a result of me wanting to write something else that isn’t from my horrendous drafts folder lol.

these were actually nice drabble practices, and the first one i clearly had i mind was shiraishi’s. i honestly think it would be fitting, probably around the start of the route where they haven’t got to know each other so well.

from there on i tried to do the drabbles in the route order i did when i played the game, which was mineo - sasazuka - okazaki - shiraishi - yanagi. but tbh when i was writing it became shiraishi - mineo - yanagi - sasazuka - yanagi again - okazaki, lol. i rewrote yanagi’s and okazaki’s three times.

subtitles have their respective mathematical operations on it - i find it kind of cool and funny that those are their symbols (amnesia had the card suits), but when you do think of it properly, it does relate to their characters.

... never forget that hoshino ichika is canonically good with guns.

sep 28 // ikerev

in absence of glass slippers as stated was a part of one of my first ikerev drafts. still a draft until now, but the portion i posted is one of the ‘finished’ sections of the fic.

i don’t headcanon mc as a respectable lady from a equally respectable house or her being a well-off girl, but i like the concept of her being a self-taught lady of society aka she learned stuff like manners, dancing, and etc. out of curiosity or for more practical reasons like fitting in. 19th century london is still the victorian era, so social class and propriety was still a thing.

her taking off her shoes to practice dancing with ray is a sort of a challenge, actually... his measure of improvement will be based on the times that he steps on her feet / how many blisters her feet would gain by the end of the session, lolol - that’s why she says that stepping on a rock is the least of her problems. pretty hardcore, isn’t she?

thus the title actually - glass slippers (mary janes actually) are pretty delicate, but don’t you think a lady’s foot is much more delicate?

with ray’s fic up, i’ve officially written a piece for all of the black army men! nice.

sep 29 // ikerev

neither heaven or hell is holy shit, an mc-centered fic! hella rad - i was half thinking to classify it as a drabble, but since i decided that drabbles are pieces that i may get back on, i kept it as a full fic instead since i’m happy with how it turned out.

all of my screamings are in the tags, so i don’t have much to add besides that lol. however, the writing here is pretty different, and that’s because i was trying to do a three sentence fic challenge kind of thing. buuuuut it became three paragraphs with three lengthy sentences instead lol.

also, there’s some stuff highlighting mc’s london-er/english-ness. washing powder is the british term for laundry soap. 19th century roofs for royals were usually panels, and wooden beams for commoners. different as chalk and cheese is a british expression. i’m certainly not british but i just like emphasizing the fact that mc is of another culture/world, thus there should be differences in how she perceives things / her mannerisms & actions / her way of speech. i’ve been conscious of that in all of my fics involving her.

actually, i do make it a point to watch her way of speaking. i really like the polite way of speaking of 19th century britain (and also of today), so i try to integrate that despite the fact that i’m not british myself lol. it’s hard to fully convey it, but i try with hoping that it doesn’t seem too off. i should probably look for more references to practice it.

this was a very spontaneous piece with actually minor editing involved, and i’m pretty proud of how it turned out.

#rundown.txt #oh this is certainly longer than i intended it to be #oh well thank you to those who reads these ramblings of mine tho!

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