littleautiebird

[littleautiebird]

I wish web browsers and such had more accessibility.

As an autistic person, I REALLY wish articles, recipes, and blogs had less ads. Ads overstimulate me so easily. I can’t have extra movement and information entering my brain at the same time as I’m trying to focus on one thing! Make life easier for us and allow us to block the adds PLEASE.

#actually autistic #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autism in women #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #late diagnosed autism #autistism accommodations

[littleautiebird]

Life is art.

I go to the library and look through the illustrated children’s books to become inspired.

When I leave I see art in life, everywhere is beauty and everything tells a story. I see colors and shapes in everything. This lasts the rest of the way home.

Now I sit and am grateful for all the beauty I have seen today and that plays on in my memory.

#poetry #actually autistic #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #visual storytelling #artists on tumblr #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #autistic blog #blog #experience life #lifestyle #autistic journal #journaling #creative writing #storytelling

[littleautiebird]

Some days I find it more difficult to experience what I see in front of me.

But perhaps those days are the ones my brain is reminiscing on another time.

One moment in present time will bring back to mind a moment from a different time. A visual comes to mind and I just hold onto that beautiful memory, and it fills my senses. The present feels farther away, but the past feels more at hand.

So I can be sitting amongst the trees in the sun in the south, and depending on the weather, it can bring me back to a time I was at the beach on the coast. I can almost smell the ocean and feel the salty breeze on my skin with the warm sun.

I can’t be the only one who experiences life like this, right?

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #late diagnosed autism #memories #reminiscing #storytelling #original poem #beautiful things #autistic life #experience life #nostalgia

[littleautiebird]

- Thoughts from a cptsd, depressed, and anxious autistic. -

Alone in the house yet still anxious and slightly disconnected.

Video chatting with my boyfriend, worried at every moment what my facial expressions are communicating as he tells me about his creative interest and ideas. I can’t figure out what expression to make, I can’t figure out what to say to express how much I care. What if all he see’s is my blank expression and assumes I find him boring? How do I make sure I make the right face and response so he feels heard and loved? Now I’m stuck between loving hearing him talk about his interest and the voice in my head that is telling me I’ll never be able to be raw, unmasked, and still loved.

Will he love me in the times I have nothing to give?

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #late diagnosed autism #autistic thoughts #autistic journal #autistic blog #autistic life

[littleautiebird]

Autism is like everything that is normal to human existence is just a lot harder for us. Processing takes so much more time, sometimes functioning does too, recovery takes forever, our senses are heightened or can seem lowered. Its like the extreme in all ways possible.

Yet there are many wonderful things about my autism. We pay attention to detail, we see things and people that no one else does. We call out the beauty of our environment, and we can take it slow and restful.

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #late diagnosed autism

[littleautiebird]

How did I realize my autism?

Its funny, in my youth, one thing I was worried so much about was making sure I acted “normal” so that no one would assume I was autistic (this being before I knew anything about autism or truly suspected it of myself.)

It wasn’t until one day as I was pet sitting (at age 23) that made me look into the idea.

I crawled into bed and the texture of the sheets physically made my teeth hurt. I knew it seemed silly, so I texted my best friend and asked her if she ever experiences anything like that, to which she of course said no and jokingly pointed out that its an autistic trait. I responded “wait though, I’ve kind of wondered if I am autistic multiple times in my life before…” She then encouraged me to look into it if I really wondered.

That was the start of it. I went on social media, websites, found books and podcasts, and I started my personal research. I read so many things that week in all my free time, spending many late nights just reading and taking notes. I probably filled about half my journal with these thoughts and observations.

I went through many phases of imposter syndrome, and still do. But I started to put more effort into believing my experience and intuition.

I was able to find a Phycologist near me who was known to be qualified for assessing adults for ASD. I emailed and not too long after was able to get a meeting on the calendar!

In my experience, this whole process has moved pretty quickly, which I am so grateful for because I know many don’t get that same chance.

Just yesterday I had my assessment. I think I feel good about it, but also some anxiety. I’ll have my follow up meeting on the 13th of this month, so I guess we’ll see!

Thanks for reading my experience 🖤

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #my story #late diagnosed autism #self advocacy #self care #my autistic story

[littleautiebird]

I’m not sure how to explain this well, but here it goes.

Most days its hard to feel real. I’m not sure if its being dis-regulated, depressed, cptsd, or dissociated..??

But today I feel like I’m real. Today I can see through my own eyes, the detail in things and the beauty in things. I can breathe and I can feel. Wow.

I’m thankful for being able to experience life for myself today, first hand, to feel like I exist.

Even if it only lasts today, I’m glad to hold it close.

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #depression #awareness #self advocacy #cptsd #experience life

[littleautiebird]

I’m obsessed with visual storytelling.

Studio Ghibli films have captured my heart because their attention to detail, the beauty of the backgrounds, the stories are magnificent, the characters are lovable, and emotion is portrayed so creatively well.

When you watch a Studio Ghibli film, there are times when the frame is focused on a characters face, and they use visuals and expressions to portray an emotion words cant. This is something often missed in my opinion when it comes to any type of film.

There’s just something about the way the hair floats, and the eyes glimmer. It portrays an emotion inside me that I’ve never seen illustrated before.

These are a few of the many reasons I love Studio Ghibli 💛

(Image creds to Studio Ghibli’s Ponyo)

#studio ghibli #special interest #actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #autism awareness #visual storytelling #film #animation #animated movies #hayao miyazaki #autism special interest

[littleautiebird]

I’ve noticed that birds aren’t always that afraid of dogs

They fly up to them where the bird and dog are unbothered

It’s like they can tell they are a part of nature too, and they know when they mean no harm.

Yet birds are pretty much always afraid of humans.

My dream as a child was that birds and all animals would be able to tell that I meant no harm, that they’d trust me and know I only want to be a part of nature with them.

I guess the main experiences I’ve had where they have trusted me is when they have no other option, when they’ve been wounded and just need a little assistance.

Though, I do have stories of gaining a young birds trust, and that of a few squirrels.

#nature #nature lovers #birds #animals #one with nature #deep thoughts #childhood #nostalgia #believe #dreams #deep connection #neurodiversity

[littleautiebird]

When I was a young I could not order for myself at restaurants or places like that, my parents always had to order for me. It took up into my later teens to get to the point where I would finally order for myself, although now as a young adult I still don’t like that interaction.

I will never buy anything from the store that is behind a glass that you have to ask an employee to unlock 😆

I will spend however long it takes for me to find something like a specific book at a bookstore or library all by myself just because I won’t ask an employee.

These are just a few traits I have realized, so yeah, I’d say I do avoid having to interact with others. 😂

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #visual storytelling #photography #lifestyle photography #travel photography #autism awareness #self advocacy #self love #self care #neurodiversity

[littleautiebird]

Bonding with animals is a real experience.

To my pets 🖤. We are bonded and there is nothing like that bond.

Such a strong love, enjoyment, and connection with creatures and nature is amazing and beautiful! No one should ever be made to feel bad and embarrassed about it!

I’m not living at home with my pets right now, and it hurts so much. I miss them and their safety, their love and comfort. Does anyone else understand how hard that is? I hope to be able to be with them again soon.

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #visual storytelling #pets #special interest #animals #deep thoughts #deep connection #therapy animals #therapy dog #emotional support #emotional support dog

[littleautiebird]

Life hurts. How is it so beautiful yet so painful.

I’m trying to remember that life comes in ebbs and flows, that good always comes again. And the light will always shine again. Good can come out of bad, and growth comes forth from storms.

Having a heart that can experience the earth in such a deep manor is one of my favorite things, but it also causes me the most pain.

For if I didn’t know love I wouldn’t know heartbreak or broken trust… why is that? Yet we learn to love again and it somehow gets stronger and more valuable. And love keeps us alive.

It’s okay if it hasn’t come yet, I’m still waiting too. But we can hope together now, for a better day to come again.

For now I’m going outside when the sun shines and embracing the warmth that it provides to my skin. I’m breathing in and smelling the air, the trees, dirt and stone after a downpour of rain. Its a start and it means more than we know, we just have to remember it, even when it gets hard. I’m still choosing to hold onto it. I hope you will too.

#actually autistic #autism awareness #autism experiences #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #visual storytelling #original poem #writing #storytelling

[littleautiebird]

As a late diagnosed autistic,

I miss that feeling of when I first discovered my autism. I won’t forget those days when I finally felt seen, more than ever. And the multiple hours spent deep diving into my new special interest in autism as well. That was an exciting time for me, a time of finally finding myself.

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #late diagnosed autism #autistic things #autistic woman

[littleautiebird]

Current thought: would autistic burnout cause me to be unable to do even my special interests? Would it affect being able to or having motivation to do my art? Its something I love but I havent been able to do it like I used to.. and I feel like I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why for so long now and it drives me crazy sometimes. I want to do art, but I don’t.

Art is a special interest I could always hyper focus on, I’d spend hours or days on one project. I think it was also a survival tactic from complex trauma though too, art was always my safe place and the only way I could really express myself growing up.

So now I’m wondering if what I’ve been experiencing is autistic burnout all these years… or just a normal response to complex childhood trauma?

#actually autistic #neurodivergent #autism in women #high masking autism #autistic burnout #burnout #autistic adult #actually cptsd #living with cptsd #autism and cptsd

[littleautiebird]

I seem to experience joy in life more when I’m looking back on the memory of something I did rather than in the moment.

The way I feel joy is often by capturing life through photography, video, art, or writing. And when I see the finished product, the joy comes out.

I have to be experiencing it physically to enjoy it in the moment best.

Like feeling the sun shining on and warming my skin, or feeling the ground on my bare feet. Those are the experiences I remember the most.

Anyone else relate?

#actually autistic #neurodivergent #autism awareness #autism #autistic things #autistic artist #autistic adult #high masking #high masking autism #autism mood #autism in women

[littleautiebird]

I’m realizing how much rest I require to function. I know I’ve been masking and being the “happy and pleasing self” around people so often lately which is bad but the fear of vulnerability is worse at times.

I’m tired though. I want to be free and light. I want to be me.

The other day I was completely exhausted, I had no energy to emote or be present at all. I was still too busy to stop and take a nap and time to rest.

#actually autistic #autism in women #autistic adult #high masking autism #neurodivergent #autism #autistic things #visual storytelling #autistic artist #autistic experiences #deep thoughts