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Proverbs says that 'Haughtiness precedes destruction'.
I thought I understood the meaning of the saying "live your truth" which I totally embraced.
Despite my efforts to live my truth, it often resulted in a thin line of self-absorption, self-victimization, and entitlement. Which in turn led to feeling unfulfilled in whatever purpose I was seeking. I discovered that ‘my truth' constantly changed and was elusive.
(The world will mislead you.)
I have since realized that living our truth requires HUMILITY!
I avoided that truth because it would leave ME out of the equation. Living MY truth mattered, okay? I was simply giving myself the hero's award every time I said I was living ‘my truth.’
I have come to the belief that by avoiding self-worship in a world that promotes it, we will be able to experience humility as it should be. Humility plays a crucial role in a world that is in need of kindness, patience, compassion and heartfelt acceptance. 💛
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I have now finished writing one of the most common memories I have had since I was a little girl.
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It is so easy to get caught up in someone else's struggles and pain when you feel so deeply for them. Losing oneself to somebody happens unintentionally, disguised as a process of purposeful love. You make efforts to love with patience, understanding, kindness and persistence despite their mistakes. It is when they repeat their mistakes that these mistakes gradually engulf you before you realize that you have been engulfed by them.
Then comes the day you look in the mirror and you see that their mistakes have become your identity. So now you feel like a huge mistake and it's your fault for continuing in vain, because what you got in return was just promises that were not fulfilled.
The cycle continues as a punishment. It is now your penance because your personal worth has been diminished in the patience that you have given so freely and with love. You are not noticing that you have been taken for granted, you are not noticing that you are not valued. In your kindness, all you see is someone who is struggling.
Until their veil falls, it is then when the weakest parts of you are exposed and find that you have become fragile. The ability to remember how strong you were has vanished.
That's where I am in this struggle. I used the words "you" and "your" because I don't want to position myself as a victim. I have not lost faith that deep within my being, an even stronger self will emerge at the right time.
I recognize that my current focus will not satisfy my desire for change. I realize I have to relearn how to focus on what's best for me. It's a process, and right now it's a matter of relearning to be patient with myself.
This is the first time in my life that I have given myself entirely to a person with all heart and soul. The mourning for our "relationship" has not yet started, but I know that once it does, the healing will take off. Where I am torn up is why do I continue to stay if recovery still hasn't had a chance?
I know there's a happy ending somewhere.
Now, I need to stay out of the way to make things happen.
#cycles#patterns#healing#love is kind#love is patient#the struggle#thoughts on tumblr#betrayal trauma#lundy bancroft
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I thought my mom was the smartest person during my elementary school days. She'd say, "You make plans, and God just laughs at you. As I grew up, I thought it was one of the stupidest statements she had ever made. But then, earlier last week, I contracted the terrible COVID-19 virus and all I could think about was God laughing at me.
Har, har, har.
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I was filled with thoughts and feelings when I took this picture because I had never experienced such shameful sorrow. Shame, because in those moments you left me in desperation to be understood. But how was I supposed to say my words after you threw me away before my tears could dry? You left me and you hid leaving in a false story, in which you were “giving” me time to mourn.
As if my mother's recent death was not enough for you to stay, in my helplessness, you chose to turn your eyes away from me. The lump in my throat silenced me and you chose to ignore the fact that my tears were speaking for me. I always wonder why my tears haven’t awaken you to my deep sadness?
In your eyes, I grieved incorrectly. And because of that, it came at a cost, and that's when all your weapons came out. Despair has since followed, making me exist in purgatory waiting for acceptance. But in reality, I will never be enough for you, no matter what (2018).
#mourning#misunderstood#self absorbed#grief#sorrow#death of a loved one#abandoned#abandoment#despair#torment#thoughts on tumblr#shame#deep pain
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Tw: Self Harm Mention, What Codependency really means.
I usually don't care about people who use characters or fiction with mental illness cause I am one of those people. I coped through shit with fiction. Like any of that, I don't care, usually.
But clearly, people don't know what the fuck they're on about or what it means in this instance. Codependency is not a fancy term for "really close and will die for each other", its not pretty, it's not happy, it's straight up literal self harm. It's self-betrayal, self-abuse, self-sabotage, self-harm. It's a coping mechanism, it's traumatizing, its complete lack of boundaries and anything good. It comes into bad situations where you enable abusive and bad behavior to happen. It's straight up self sabotaging and painful. You lie to your partner or friend to keep them happy and betray your own boundaries to please them.
You may feel anger or hatred afterwards, then you may feel guilty and ashamed after that. It's a swirl of conflicting emotions and self punishment and anxiety. It's a lack of security, it's a sickeningly sweet nightmare, where you cover your own eyes and avoid the truth because you're afraid of being abandoned and left.
There's no fucking security in a relationship like that. There's no reassurance, there's no support. It's fueled by fear and whatever coping mechanisms you have. It's commonly comorbid with hypersexuality. Compulsions and obsessive thinking fester in codependent relationships. It's a relationship that you convince yourself to do anything to stay in it. You'll do anything so they won't leave, especially prioritizing them over yourself.
And since it's a thing that happens to traumatized people, they're more likely to spiral because they already experience conflicting thoughts.
For me, romanticizing my trauma and negative relationships and mental illness, is the name of the game. I don't attack people for doing that if they experience it.
But this isn't a fancy word for "taboo relationship" or "fucked up soulmates", it's directly about you and your fears. It's enabling self harm and relapsing. Soulmates don't threaten to leave you and gaslight you because you decided you wanted to leave. Nothing about this is fulfilling, even the sexual interaction isn't worth it.
I hesitate to call it abuse, because I contradict myself and say it wasn't that bad, that they didn't intentionally hurt me. But it hurt me, regardless.
So please shut up and don't call it codependency unless you know what you're saying. It's just straight up abuse. Nothing less.
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