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Anaïs Nin, from Incest - The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin (1932-1934)
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I am learning how to find peace in the simplicity of daily life; how to be content with the natural flow of human existence. everything Is fleeting, from experiences to feelings and even the people in our lives. With this understanding I find it easier to slow down and really appreciate the little things that I encounter on a daily basis.
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Goodnight FlowerPots
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Beauty
What is the definition of beauty? Why must we all attempt to conform to a standard that is objective when beauty within itself is forever subjective.
I have always mentally struggled with the idea of beauty, I love beautiful things and they hold a place in my heart and mind but when it comes to people why is it that this idea has to be defined as one specific thing? I logically know that beauty is not what society says it is but somewhere in the back of my mind I find myself comparing, judging, and subconsciously trying to morph myself into a form of beauty that others can digest. I cannot digest it. I cannot allow myself to change my own beauty to fit someone else's definition. With that notion in mind, I stand in a weird secluded place of confusion because after years and conditioning from the media and society, what is my own idea of beauty?
I see beauty as fleeting, nothing truly beautiful will last forever. Perhaps art and photographs can but is that beauty? or is that the capture of beautiful things? Is beauty found in the art itself or the concept that someone created something from nothing? If the latter was true then would us as humans be considered beautiful, not by our physical appearance but because we are creating our lives as we go, creating our identities and beliefs.
It is a hard topic to ponder, the idea of beauty. I say that because I find it easy to find beauty in the world around me but lack the ability to see it within myself. Is it important to see beauty in one's own self? If so, what is the benefit in doing that? why do we put beauty on a pedestal, beautiful things are automatically better, but why? perhaps conventionally 'ugly' things are more beneficial to society than beauty. When humans intake beauty, we gain some form of dopamine, we associate some form of positivity to it and never question anything beyond this 'good' feeling we gain from the beauty around us. We mindlessly accept beauty as a birthright, no questions or thoughts beyond what we see just acceptance and appreciation. However, when we see the opposite of beauty we feel deeply, whether it be feelings of unease, disgust, or pure dislike, we are able to associate some form of negative feeling towards it. Those 'negative' feelings we experience when faced with conventionally ugly things always carry so much weight, they are filled with questions and ideas we should unpack. It is easier to mindlessly accept beauty than to question the weight of the 'ugly', and that is exactly what we, we,humans, do; we search for beauty and reject anything less and flow throughout life with ease.
I believe that one's love for beauty stems from the love they have within themselves, and the hatred for ugly is also from the hatred of their own ugly. We crave the beauty that the world offers because it affirms the beauty we see within ourselves, yet we dismiss the ugly because It also affirm the ugly inside one's self that they are not ready to face. Hence the reasoning that beauty is subjective, we are all unique and view the world as such, intaking and rejecting what we deem fit. This is just a reflection of one's self image.
So, where does that leave us on the idea of beauty? Yes it is nice to have and experience, yet we should not place so much power in beauty for it is simply a luxury we should consume in moderation. The true power is in the conventionally ugly things, it is those things that force us to look within and gain a deeper understanding on ourselves and our minds. Beauty and Ugly are two ends on the same stick and balance is required to maintain a sustainable life, we must not stress about beauty and achieving such a title for it is only one end to a whole. We are all beautiful and equally ugly, whatever your story may be, it is important to not have surface level titles dictate ones state of mind.
Beauty cannot be defined as one description, it cannot be created or destroyed. It is a form of energy that we give and receive, it is an enegitical exchange that is happening all around us at every second the day. The birth can be ugly and the death can be beautiful, for it is all in the eyes of the beholder.
I challenge myself now to question the beauty and mindlessly accept the ugly and see what effect it has on my mental.
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“Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there.”
— Jalaluddin Rumi
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I do not feel at ease
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Life
I sometimes forget that I am living life; I do not know how to accurately explain that statement but i will try my best to elaborate. I get so carried away focusing on the minor things such as money, work, school etc that I forget to sit back and smell the roses, to really consider the greater meaning to all the things I am working towards. I forget that it is not about the end goal but the joys I find in the pursuit of my dreams. I plant so many weeds of anxiety and stress in my garden of life that I forget to tend to my other beautiful flowers and its during random times that I realize what I am doing. It is hard having to navigate life especially trying to unlearn so many programs in my brain that have become my default, not only unlearning my own but having grace towards others as they learn and grow. I find that in my life some of the people I have a hard time having grace toward is family, the people I spend the most time with and understand probably more than anyone else. there is, in my opinion, a bit of humour to think that I can easily support and sympathize with celebrities and people who in retrospect I genuinely do not know, but when it comes to the people I grew up with I hold so much bitterness, judgement, apathy for. I do not like the feeling that comes with that realization but it is a feeling I have to sit with and understand in order to rise and become better. I have so much love for my family, no matter what I know at the end of the day I have their backs but somehow in the mix I still contain so much judgement.
I am young, a beginner in this game of life and I am learning the rules, how to play the game and I can say right now she is quite complex. honestly I do no like the metaphor that life is comparable to a game because that create the energy that there is a form of competition, a race like environment. I do believe that everything is energy and a saying so simple that is used worldwide subconsciously creates this stigma surrounding life. I believe life should be like a garden, it has the potential to be beautiful and safe, a space that is uniquely your own but it requires work. Every garden will be different, the geographical regions yield different plants due to its environment, personal preference to which flower you want to plant. inevitable there will be obstacles such as invasive species and bugs, animals trying to eat your fruit but no matter what the issues may be there is always a way around it, you cannot have a lovely garden without the work of a dedicated grander. I must attend to my garden and even when there's season of hash winters that hinder the beauty of my space I hold peace in knowing there is the promise of spring. although I do not know all the ins and outs of life I do like to believe that there is good, that this life is not made to make us suffer.
I am young but I am learning that life does not have to be just one way, I can create my own garden with all the lilies, and chrysanthemums that my heart desires. I do not have to live in the box that society says I must be in, I can do what my heart is leading my to do. Now here comes the fun part, how do you navigate this path your heart is screaming at you to follow while maintaining the pressure of society that fills our brains with how things should be. I find it ways come back to a duality, at least for me, Heart vs. Brain.
My heart wants freedom, excitement and happiness whereas my brain, who understands the desires of the heart, focuses on the restraint, struggle and harsh ships that we face. I do not know where the middle ground is for my heart and brain but I do know that it is not a game I want to play when it comes to my life. I value both my heart and brain to gamble with them freely, but rather I want to create a life that is beautiful and secure, a garden, where my heart and brain can coexist comfortably and grow so I can sit and reap the benefits of the work I have put into crafting my garden.
I know this may not make sense and I might just sound like I am all over the place but in my head it makes sense. I forget that I am living life; sunsets, the stars and the moon, hearing the laughs of strangers and the random animals I encounter on a daily basis. I forget that we are a rock floating in space with no destination, simply travelling forwards in a vacuum of time. I forget that I am human with feelings and experiences that are real and valid that do not need any form of explanation to justify, because they are mine and I am real and valid. I am caught up in the 'game' of tricks and rules that we learn to help us win the prize of freedom, when the whole time we are free. Free to laugh and cry and express our truths just as the earth expresses her weather without hesitation. We are free to love and care for everything and anything without the expectation of returns. We are free to live and see life through the good rather than stress about the bad. Life will always present situations and experiences that make us question the meaning of it all but in the end we are free to make the final choice.
With that I leave with a question, what will I chose today?
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GLOOMY WINTER DAY
Slow.
That is the only way to describe the day I am having today. I will admit Tumblr was not my first option when deciding which platform to create my blog but in all honesty it is the platform I am most comfortable and familiar with. However I am not too concerned with the platform I truly just want to write, and I hope anyone who comes across this do not judge me for my informalities, grammatical errors and overall awkward sentences. My goal is to improve overtime, I know my level of skill when It comes to writing and I am in no shape to even call myself a writer but hopefully with the growth of this blog I can learn and develop into a respected and talented writer.
In all honesty I feel guilty for writing, I know it is such a weird thing to feel guilty about but for some reason I do. I do not want to get into the details as to why, seeing that I do not understand where that feeling is rooted in. I will say there's a certain comfortability I have right now writing to the cyber world, a place where billions of people go and yet there's this sense of security in being invisible to all those prying eyes. I am no one on the internet and I enjoy that thought. I am not sad though, I would like to make that a very clear point. not that there's anything wrong with being sad but because I don't want to give off the wrong impression, I do enjoy my real life outside of the computer screen but It is nice to escape every once in a while. although, since we're already on this topic, experiencing life through the physical realm is more of an escape these days. I find too many people are so dependent and lost in this cyber world and in all honesty I am a victim of this too.
slow.
back to the word slow, I wanted to talk about slow days for a moment because I struggle with accepting the slow days. I will let you in on a little secret, I am 21 years old. I do not want to reveal too much of myself on here but my age does play a role in what I intend to say. I am a baby, a beginner, a grasshopper as some would say, I am new to this game of life. I do not know the rules, or strategies, I can confidently say I do not know all the players and most importantly I do not know what the objective of the game is. I can however say what I do know so far and I intent to go into detail of the wild things I learn from this game but for now I will voice my opinion on slow days.
they are necessary, we as humans need slow days and I believe that in today's society it is so easy to get wrapped up in the superficial aspects of the world. I see so many people who are constantly running, maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally. People who run away from their problems, past traumas, running to chase highs because they cannot handle the lows. I can only imagine the exhaustion the earth must feel having to harbour all the messed up energies that we as humans release into the world. However, slow days are sacred, they allow us to release and flow with life. I need slow days, my brain is always going and I too, find myself getting mentally trapped in this rat race of capitalism and draining myself of the precious life-force that is within me. It's easy to feel unproductive while having a slow day but the reality is, slow days are needed. Why spend a beautiful day of rest stressing about the fact you are resting and not truly getting any rest by the end when rather you can rest, and actually allow yourself to regain the energy that you need and feel good about being kind to yourself?
slow.
that is how I am going to spend the rest of my day. I will slowly breathe. I will slowly read my thrifted book. I will slowly eat my nutritious food. I will slowly stare at the sky and watch the clouds drift along. I will slowly live my life because even though I am 21, I am young, and I have the energy to go fast that doesn't mean you have to. I see so many people my age doing amazing things and I get this guilty urge to make something better of myself but the truth is, I just want to move slow.
Slow is not bad. Slow is not good. Slow is slow and thats all it will ever be, a word to describe the day I am having. it is not something that defines who I am as a person or the rate of my success, it is just a word that is used when fast is racing towards the finish line leaving me behind.
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GREETINGS FROM MY GARDEN
It was during the primitive hours of 2AM on February 18th, 2023 that the impulsive conception of this blog came to be. See, I never thought the idea of starting a blog would manifest into anything other than a humorous notion to play with when the realities of my soul sucking 9-5 job became too unbearable; yet here I am sitting at my freshly cleaned Ikea desk typing my future away. 
With this blog I intend to post the random, spontaneous, personal thoughts that float mindlessly through my head all day. This is my safe space, and pretty much my glass journal so join me, Daisy Rose, through the days as I experience and document my journey into the mystical unknown that is the future. 
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