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bobafett51 · 5 days

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When I was younger and researching the autism diagnosis criteria and symptoms, I thought “oh I couldn’t POSSIBLY be autistic.” Because when I read “takes everything literally” I thought it literally meant EVERYTHING and I was like “I don’t take EVERYTHING literally, just most things!” And I just realized the other day that it didn’t actually mean EVERYTHING and that was an overstatement.

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bobafett51 · 15 days

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My heart cries at the remembrance of you. What hurts more is that I know that it does not have to. The souls we are so deeply in love with are the same. But we have changed. I like to think for the better.

I need to know. I forgive you, do you forgive me? Can we come to reconciliation and build the Godly life we want? Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek but that does not necessitate reconciliation. Yet no matter where I go the signs tell me to not only forgive you, but to give you another chance. Did God turn us into one flesh at some point? Is that why we cannot separate?

During the height of Ramadan I ventured into the mountains to meditate and pray on the Gospel. I witnessed God guiding and leading me through every step to find where I should pray. I have not felt his guidance so strongly before or since. I prayed and meditated for all of the morning.

God absorbed me into the world around me. I was lost in the life force of the deer, the swaying of the trees, the songs of the birds, I could sense all life on earth being tied together by the Holy Spirit. Through it all, I felt the Holy Spirit tying our souls together. Thousands of miles away. Yours was the only soul I could feel from so far away. It was not a normal connection like I felt with God’s other creations. This one was stronger and created to endure and grow. I fasted and traveled to the mountains to get closer to God. Why did I feel so close to you, too?

Im not the person you once knew. The soul you fell in love with is still the same. What is new is that I can finally show you why our souls are so deeply in love and attached to one another. I can finally show you what was once trapped. I want so desperately to show you. Don’t you want to see it? Can we come to a reconciliation so that you can see it? There is not a single part of this mortal world I would not give so I can show you the soul you love so much. My heart cries out in remembrance of you.

Matthew 19:6

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bobafett51 · 26 days

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Things like this are why I enjoy Music and Cooking so much. They’re just universal languages I know I can get everyone to understand.

something i never see anyone talk about is how lonely autism can be. not because we don’t fit in or whatever, but because our love languages are so fundamentally different from the rest of the world.

i won’t always hear it when someone tells me they love me. i won’t always understand it when someone shares a kindness with me. sometimes it hurts to be touched. sometimes i interpret genuine care as mocking or insincere because i’ve been burnt so often, and i have no way of knowing otherwise.

when i spend time in my room engaging in interests i enjoy, but i leave the door open to let my friends come in and out and interrupt as they please, that’s love. when i send someone a long ramble about something i care about, that’s love. when i let someone hug me, that’s love. when i try a food even though it’s not a safe food, because my friend made it and is very proud of it, that’s love. when i take the time to tell you when i need space and that i’ll come back when im able, that’s love.

i don’t think people hear me when i tell them i love them. i don’t know if i can hear others when they say it either. i feel very alone most of the time, like there’s a glass barrier between me and the rest of the world. i can see them mouthing, i love you, i love you, but how can i believe them? they’re nowhere near me. no warmth and no life in it.

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bobafett51 · 1 month

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I’ve been on a new diet and workout regimen the past two months or so. Thought it would be worth it to post a progress video to see how far I’ve come. I’m really happy with and proud of the results so far. Here’s looking towards even more progress!

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bobafett51 · 1 month

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bobafett51 · 2 months

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there should be a hotline for me to call autistic people with specific hyperfixations every time i have a question

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bobafett51 · 2 months

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I Forgive You

Mentally, verbally, emotionally, and sexually, you abused me for nearly 6 years. But I forgive you as much as I can. I forgive you. Every mental and emotional manipulation, every harsh, cruel word, every unwanted touch and robbery, I forgive you. The pain you inflict, it has never been about me. It was never about who I am as a person. It was all about who you are. I know who you are, because you are like me: traumatized and on the path of healing. Other people hurt you and traumatized you. The same had been done to me, in similar ways as you were hurt and traumatized as well. Through your words and actions you let your pain and trauma spread to me.

You inflicted untold pain and trauma upon me. But I cannot blame you, I have done the same to others as well. I have done the same to you, too. The pain and trauma you gave me festered within me. It continued to accumulate until I started to inflict it on you, too. I’m sorry I hurt you.

I didn’t realize the extent of your abuse until we parted ways. Yet you still continued to abuse me. Seemingly in any way you could. You kept playing with my emotions, my mental state, and you said so many horrible things. Yet I only ever turned the other cheek. You didn’t deserve that and you never will but I’ll still keep turning my cheek for you. We both know that.

The traumatized and broken parts of me want to inflict the same pain upon you. But the rest of me doesn’t want that. When we were in love you tortured and broke me. I grew some unidentified resentment against you and I eventually gave you that pain right back. I refuse to let that happen again. I forgive you as fully as I can for now. I hope you find happiness and fulfillment. But part of me hopes you always see me every where. Part of me hopes you continue to chase the echoes of me you find in other people. You’ll never find someone like me and you know it. I hope you never fully get over me. I’m the love of your life. Nobody will ever hurt me like you did. But no one could love me like you do either.

I doubt I’ll ever be happy. I never have been. I oftentimes worry that I’ve lost too much and been hurt too much to find happiness. You’re responsible for an oversized portion of that loss and traumas. You also helped me become my most fulfilled self in ways no one else could. I hope you can fully comprehend just how shitty and horrible the things you did to me were. But I don’t think you could live with yourself if you did.

You begged for forgiveness, and I forgave you. But then you went and hurt me all over again, largely in the same way you had in the past. That reopened so many wounds and I rediscovered ones I thought I had forgotten and left in the past. You haven’t even apologized for any of that.

2019 was the only good year in my life. You’re largely responsible for that. You’re also largely responsible for why the ones after it have been the worst so far. It’s a duality I’m still grappling with. And to fully understand it I’ll have to fully forgive you. I hope we can. We love each other; nos amamos.

#words of wisdom #life #forgiveness

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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My last post was about sexual trauma, but I wanted to make one about sexual healing as a counterpoint.

Shibari is something I have always been interested in and fascinated by. The communication and trust between the rope top and the rope bottom along with the skill of both creates beautiful artwork that attests to the trust, love, kindness, harmony, and desire that two people can share with one another. I just never trusted myself enough to do it. But now I finally do, and after practicing it, I am glad that I waited. There was definitely a lot of healing I had to do prior to trying it.

Practicing Shibari has helped me heal more completely. It helped me regain confidence in myself and my ability to care for and love my partners. My natural affinity and ability towards the artform also helps.

During one of my first sessions, my rope-bottom and I focused on the meditative aspects of Shibari. I sat them down and positioned myself behind them, reaching my arms around them with the head of the rope in my hands. I rubbed it against their skin, telling them to feel the roughness of the jute on their skin. I kept gliding it across their skin until their eyes closed as they got lost in the sensation of it. I glided the rope tail closer to my rope-bottom's ear and focused them on the sound of the rope rubbing their skin.

We fell into meditative trance; the only things on earth was us and the rope binding us together. I checked for our safe word then gently started binding their wrist's together as I embraced them from behind, lightly kissing their back as the rope tightened around their arms. I moved to their side and proceeded to move their bound wrists behind their back.

I dragged the rope tail down their back and around their waist, affixing the tie so that they couldn’t move their arms. I gently laid my rope-bottom on their side and moved to cuddle them, caressing my fingers across their entire body, taking care to ensure not a single crevice went untouched. All the while I moved my head to kiss and bite every part of them that my mouth could reach.

"Focus on the touch of my lips on your skin, feel the sensation of every bite, get lost in the movement of my fingers and the sound of our pleasure," I whispered into their ear. They moaned out in agreement as we became fully absorbed in each other. The rope intertwined us into one, an artwork of kindness, passion, and sensuality.

Seeing the twinkle in my rope-bottom's eye as I began to untie them filled me with warmth and affection. I gave my rope-bottom an experience they will never forget. An experience that was mutually beneficial, affectionate, and healing for both of us. The connection, meditation, affection, and healing one can achieve with Shibari is what drew me to it and what will keep me practicing it. I have already healed so much with the help of Shibari. I am grateful and appreciative for being able to practice it.

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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TW: Assault and mental Health

Dealing with and identifying abusers as somebody with Autism is so difficult. And it's a lesson I keep getting reminded of constantly.

I'm so tired. I have been so tired, my whole life. I spent my whole life dissociating without even realizing until a couple months ago. Before I was diagnosed with Autism, nearly every time I had a meltdown or shutdown I would respond by dissociating. Every time something would trigger a past trauma that I was unable to identify I would just simply disassociate. And because I pushed myself so hard every day, and because there were so many things in the past that have traumatized me, I would disassociate almost every day. Disassociation became the norm for me. So much so that I have a hard time remembering that it is not normal.

Building on this, like everyone with Autism can attest to, life is very uncomfortable for me. The world was not build for us in mind, so nearly all the world makes us uncomfortable. What is really hard is identifying a normal level of uncomfortable I have to learn to cope with is (like there being multiple conversations in the same room) and a bad level of uncomfortable (like a "friend" constantly groping me unwantedly).

I had a "friend" who kept groping me, putting his hand under my shirt and feeling my muscles, grabbing my ass, moving his hands around my crotch area, and grabbing my arms. And every time he did it I would dissociate and I would get triggered as memories of past sexual traumas would flood into my brain. But because I'm so used to dissociation, being uncomfortable, and getting triggered I did not realize that this was a bad level of uncomfortable. It was not until this "friend" assaulted another one of my other friends that I realized my "friend's" behavior was so wrong. And I am just so frustrated that it still takes so much for me to realize when someone else's behavior is so out of line. I have a "friend" who constantly sexually assaulted me and the part I am most frustrated about is how long it took me to realize it. That is just so fucked up to me and it just makes me even more frustrated.

But it's partly because this kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. Almost twice a month, someone is groping me, definitionally assaulting me. It just makes me wonder if I'm the one doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Like is there something about me that makes people want to do that to me? Do I accidentally communicate that I want people to touch me? I get that I'm muscular, that I'm attractive, but like does this happen to other men? Why can't I go out without someone grabbing my ass or my crotch or shoving my hand in a sexual area?

I will heal from this. This is far from the worst thing I have gone through. And honestly, I identified this abuse faster than my prior ones. It's just so frustrating seeing how much more growth I have to do. How much more I have to learn. I usually love the opportunity and knowledge that I have more room to grow and more stuff to learn. But when it comes to this, I just wish I didn't have any more growth to do. I wish I could just identify abusers quicker, I could have avoided so much pain and trauma if I could.

At times like this I have to keep in mind that I will be healed and forgiven. James 5:15. It will work out. My next post will be about a moment of sexual healing to counteract this one.

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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Mood of being neurodivergent sometimes. Although, I mostly appreciate it and love it, sometimes it’s really hard. This world wasn’t built for me and especially prior to a diagnosis it can be incredibly isolating, tiring, and painful. This comic is a good representation of that.

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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They honestly are my goals. Lovers reunited after undergoing a perilous, hard, yet infinitely rewarding journey.

#lotr #arwen #aragorn #aragorn and arwen

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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Another character added to my "was meant for building/making things but instead got thrust into the horrors" list

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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Understanding the Spectrum

I CAN Network Ltd

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bobafett51 · 3 months

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bobafett51 · 4 months

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I just want to tell them that I love them. I want to let them know how handsome they are, how attractive they are, how smart they are, how kind they are, how loving they are, how their heart is the most beautiful, radiant, and exuberant heart on this mortal earth. I want to shower them with the love, affection, and praise they deserve. The love only made possible through god. Love from a pure heart, a good conscious, and a sincere faith. But i can’t and it is torture.

I set one of the people I love most free. It is what they needed, it might be what I needed, but how I pray, wish, and dream of them coming back to me when god deems us both ready. But what even is ready? Nobody is ever fully ready for something, so I hope for, pray, and dream of the day god deems us both ready enough.

C.S. Lewis once said, “To love you as I should, I must worship God as Creator. When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.” Well now I’ve finally learned to love god more than anyone or anything else. And I have prayed every night to be released from my longing if they’re not the person for me. Yet the longing never ceases and I do not know why.

With nowhere else to go I cry to the heavens how much I love them, care for them, and want to see them happy. I cry to the heavens how much every smile, laugh, and subtle glance from them filled, warmed, and repaired my broken heart. I cry to the heavens how much my soul feels so incredibly inextricably linked to them. Have I not carried out god’s will? I have sinned many times, but is that not outweighed by the people I’ve helped heal? Have I not suffered enough to be relieved of this pain one way or another?

In the book of Job we learn that suffering is a natural consequence of life and necessary to stay on god’s path. It teaches us that suffering is in and of itself a gift. Job was a perfectly pious man who never sinned. Regardless, he lost his family, his estate, and his health. But he eventually learned to accept the suffering and embrace god. The suffering brought him closer to god and made him more human.

I have learned to embrace and love pretty much all the things in my life, including the suffering. Including this suffering. But it’s so tiring on my heart, my body, my mind, my soul, and my spirit. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going with this suffering. But god always finds ways to give me strength, rejuvenate, and heal me. Yet everyday I want to call out to them. To offer my help and to ask for theirs. Because although I’ve always offered my help, I could use theirs, too. I pray for relief, the relief I want, and also any relief at all. But at the end of the day I only ask that not my will be done but that God’s will be done and for the strength, faith, and courage to fulfill god’s will. This is the primary lesson I need to learn now on my journey, I know that much. But I pray for mortal help, I pray for their help, I pray to form a new friendship and relationship with them.

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