alovelessautumn

[alovelessautumn]

The moon and the fool

The moon shines brighter tonight. Some people say that she has a pink undertone, so pale that it seems like she’s blushing. I wonder what she thinks, who or what made her blush. Like the fool I am, I sit at the rock next to the lake. I can feel the moss gently covering my back as I lay on it. It’s just us again: the moon and I, the confident and the clown. Crickets and fireflies make the scenario feel like something Shakespeare would write about. I take a moment to appreciate the intimacy of the moment, the quietness filling my ears and the cold stone maintaining me glued to reality.

-Have you ever felt trapped in a birdcage due to love?- she asks me.

-Are you in love with someone that won’t let you shine? A cruel human being who enjoys hunting pheasants and caging birds? In that case I haven’t felt trapped.

-It’s not quite that, I closed the door this time. It feels like something uncontrollable, of inhumane behavior is inside of my veins. Not necessarily bad, just unpredictable.

-Oh honey, you’ve always liked having control about which sides the others see of you. Perhaps you should write about it, or tell your beloved- I suggest while I play with a flower on my hands.

-I can’t do so or she would hate me. It’s not like we could even be together either - she says as she sniffles on a white handkerchief and starts crying. Meteors cross the sky at the same time, illuminating the night.

-There there, don’t cry - I say as I throw my handkerchief to the sky making it spin, a trick that I learned many years ago - Who is the lucky one to have the moon itself falling for them?

-She’s the brightest star I’ve seen, but fate decided to part our ways. It seems like such a cruel joke falling for the sun. Her light is just so bright, so warm. Everytime I stare at her I can’t help but to fall a little deeper ,and I’m afraid I might just turn red for the rest of eternity for the mere sin of staring at her. Meanwhile, she doesn’t seem to notice me, I’m just there. If she knew how I feel. If she knew, she would hate me. Look at what happened to Florence, she doesn’t shine anymore! Oh my goodness- she murmurs, as the sky starts to turn violet- I need to go!

The sun rises on the horizon and the moon runs away, hiding away. She’s still too scared even after 4,53 million years. 

Another night unveiled, another night alone, another night falling into madness. I finish making the flower ring crafting. I wonder what would be of me if you were next to me. I wonder what would have happened if I had the courage to speak up and to say : I love you.

So I shout it. I love you. I love you my sunshine. I proceed to laugh, then I crumble, and then tears water my cheeks.

It's not like you can hear me, you're six feet underground.

#aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #writing #coquette #poem #writers on tumblr #unrequited love #moon #sun

[alovelessautumn]

Love Actually

We write letters on the papers that our past selves saved for important occasions, those childrens could have never guessed those enveloppes with princesses printed on them would cross the ocean instead of being given to their friend next door. They would have been so happy to have met and play with their barbies, but life wanted us to meet way later on.

We talk about our futures at one am, and suddenly growing up doesn’t feel that scary : it doesn’t feel like a prophecy of loneliness and misfortune, there’s some hope in a future in which we met now. Maybe someday I’ll be able to knock on your door with some freshly out of the oven bread and we’ll talk about our present.

We draw like there isn’t a tomorrow, knitting with lines and splashes the image of a Polaroid that we aren’t able to take just now. I’ll buy an album and plenty of Polaroid paper for when we’ll be able to take some.

We read the books that our middle school selves were obsessed with, they both would be so glad to know that there’s a future where they aren’t enclosed in their rooms wishing for the world to end while traveling through their pages.

We cite our favorite pieces of media just to talk about the other and we’ll look at the sky knowing that even if it’s not the same, it’s looking at the both of us. In the night sky we see ourselves in the stars, which to the human eye are just centimeters apart, but in reality they are light years away.

And while looking at the stars, for the first time in years I know it isn’t in my head. I feel actually loved, and I’m able to love freely. A love that isn’t categorized platonically or romantically or anything. Just love, in its purest form, found by a mere casualty.

If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

#aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #writing #girlblogging #coquette #poem #writers on tumblr #love actually #online love #friendship #love #stars

[alovelessautumn]

So cruel (history of a knife)

And I know it’s so cruel to love you.

So cruel to want to be yours when I know you can’t like me back.

So cruel to want something that would make you cry.

To love you, is an imprudent act that will shatter us. 

#aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #girlblogging #writing #coquette #poem #unrequited love #writers on tumblr

[alovelessautumn]

The chemistry between us.

My dear, 

Electrons aren’t supposed to bond until they are in a close range of distance. A couple of angstroms is their limit, they say.

Yet, despite being over a thousand kilometers away my atoms were found of yours the moment we started talking. The strongest bond I’ve ever seen was formed.

Maybe as children of the stars our atoms were next to each other on the day they died. Or maybe they were on opposite sides of the galaxy and are just now being reunited for the first time in a brief casualty of time.

Honey, until they reunite I hope you know that every single one of my calcium atoms is making me think of you. Whenever I read your favorite books, your favorite songs or whenever I smile like a fool reading your texts.

Somehow, I fear this is one sided. 

Your magnetic field is drawing me insane, it doesn’t matter how much I try to escape I know I’ll never be able to do so and I’ll end up spiraling into madness. 

You started a fire that made my bonds break, now I can’t stop running from the consequences of my stupid love.

Maybe the reason our atoms were distanced is because they were both negative charges. Unable to be together for eternity.

#chemistry #science #aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #girlblogging #coquette #writing #poem #unrequited love #writers on tumblr #atom #astronomy #biology

[alovelessautumn]

O3. Dreamland 

-That's your problem honey, that you love too much- she said.

-Too much?- I replied in anguish.

-You barely know her, yet you would abandon your dreams for her and build her the house of her dreams. They will never do anything like what you did for them, yet you expect them to. You write poems and 18 pages letters for people that just couldn’t care less. You…

I stopped listening to her advice after that, just nodding. A shoulder to hold onto while crying, the therapist friend, the girl that always worries. That’s what I’ll always be, nothing else. A girl forever cursed for wanting to be loved like she loves.

The girl in the mirror looks at me, her face full of tears and her mascara running down her cheeks. 

-... wake up, idiot!

And I wake up on an empty bed at three am. 

#aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #girlblogging #writing #coquette #poem #unrequited love #writers on tumblr #mirror #dreamland

[alovelessautumn]

Spring tornados

I guess spring is not my season

Just the time of the year for misfortune and treason

So I hope the hurricane destroys the flowers

Just like spring did with my heart full of roses

Everyone seems so happy to feel the breeze

The same one that fills my lungs suffocating me

I wish for walks in the evergreen with my love

But ivy pins me to my bed, filling me with woe

A tornado is going on inside my brain

It will go when the cold comes again

Or will it stay, just to cause me pain?

I wish to be a dandelion, just to fly away

#spring #Hurricane #poetry #girlblogging #writing #coquette #poem #unrequited love #aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #flowers #depressing shit #Seasonal depression #writers on tumblr #love

[alovelessautumn]

Family line

I’m three years old and I write in my school lesson how my daddy is my hero. He’s so cool, always takes me to the park, reads me bedtime stories and plays with me whenever he can. However I can’t remember much of my childhood.

I’m nine years old and I get a 87/100, he talks about how I can do better than that, and I nod because he only wants the best for me. He fights with mom from time to time about how bad she’s raising me. He raises his voice at us more often but it’s our fault. I write in my diary about how much I wish I wasn’t born and how much I wish I could stop that situation.

I’m eleven and he mocks me in front of my family after a fight in the car. I’m furious and I want to cry but I just look at my aunt begging her to change the conversation.

I’m fifteen and I need to be home at nine, unlike any of my friends. He shouts at me and he’s furious because I arrived 10 minutes late and I cry cause I couldn’t arrive earlier, my friends didn’t want to accompany me. I know how to differentiate by the keys and the steps of who's coming home. I know how far anyone is and their mood by how their shoes sound.

I’m sixteen and an old lady says to me that I’m lucky to have such a good person as a father as he is. I smile and use my lying talents to agree with her. He shouted at me cause I forgot to do one thing earlier and slapped me for trying to explain myself

I’m seventeen and he’s scolding my mother. I agree with him looking for forgiveness in her eyes cause if I don’t we’re plotting against him. I cry when I see how my friend’s parents treat her in the bathroom of their house but thankfully I don’t have mascara on. Everyone looks weirded out at me when I say I fight at least weekly with my dad.

I’m eighteen and he shouts at me for stuttering. I cry for hours and wish I had been born as a boy, maybe he would have liked me more that way. I wish every single day for good grades so that he will be proud of me, just like when I was little. We fight instead and I hope none of my neighbors are hearing us. They all probably hate me.

I’m nineteen and I cry as when I told him about my day he said to my face that he couldn’t care less : I talk too much. I can’t concentrate for all of the next online lesson. My mom comes and hugs me and tells me to shorten my words with him. I only say good, meh, you know, bad from now on.

I’m nineteen and a half and I cry at one am while I look in the mirror cause I see the eyes that looked at me so happily, the nose that he used to exhale whenever he was angry, and the lips in which he screamed at me in my reflection. I hate it so much because I see my father in it. I see his temper in my blood every time I get angry and I cry cause I wish I could erase it from my blood. I wish from the bottom of my soul that I never had been born and he also gets mad at that, “that’s always your excuse” he says.

Where are you daddy? I see my three year old self crying in a corner, no one’s coming so I try to console her. I ask myself where he is, when did he stop loving us, what did I do. I cry myself to sleep at 3am, wishing I could scatter cross my family line but I just deeply want to fix everything inside this damn madhouse. Maybe I’m mad too.

#blog #girlblogger #poetry #aesthetic #girlblogging #writing #daddy issues #childhood trauma #writers on tumblr #sadgirl #narrative #i'm so tired #i'm just a girl #father #conan gray #dollhouse #family line #superache #SoundCloud

[alovelessautumn]

02. Dreamland

It’s a sunny morning and we’re both sitting on a bench, enjoying the first day of spring. Her smile is so bright and her eyes shine so bright while she looks at me.

-I’m quite embarrassed to tell you this - she murmurs while looking me deeply in the eyes - cause you already know that I’m not good at talking about my stuff or my feelings.

The people around us change our bench as we stand up. Dancers twirl their dresses while putting a table and two chairs in which we take a seat. The warm lights turn pink and my heart starts to beat faster than what it has ever beaten.

-I’ve been talking to this boy for a while and I think he likes me - she says with a smile brighter than any smile of hers I’ve ever seen. I panic and my heart drops, but I can’t let anyone perceive it.

I curve my eyes and the ends of my mouth while I look at her. I hate those ridiculous pink lights yet I nod and laugh as she tells me about him, like I would even care. 

-Is he cute ?- I ask while I look at her up and down. She laughs and tells me about his ridiculous mustache and his nike sweater. I think about how ridiculous I look with my stupid makeup, my little too big earrings and dumb braids.

I should have used that eyeliner to draw a mustache just on top of my red gloss, maybe she would like me this way.

The dancers re-enter the scene and they take out all of the props. Then he enters the scene, the lights turn red and they start to kiss. I stand there while the director asks me to leave the scene and everyone looks confused at me.

All that I did, all that I cared. All lost for a stupid mustache. I scream and I leave sobbing the play. As I run with my mascara tearing down, everyone scolds me behind the curtains. 

She didn’t even flinch. She didn’t care.

The theater turns blurry and I’m inside a circus. There’s a cage full of water and I’m inside it, everyone looks mesmerized to the guy next to me. His mustache is slightly curved at the ends thanks to a generous amount of gel. 

The tank is slowly filling up as I feel all of my sadness, anguish and fear crawling through my veins. He tries to open the cage but he can’t. He panics while everyone panics and I take one of my last breaths. No one will blame him, he was just a poor rookie magician and I was just an unfortunate actress.

I scream, the water filling up my lungs in an attempt to say “I HATE IT” but no word is heard.

I wake up on an empty bed at three am. 

#aesthetic #blog #girlblogger #poetry #coquette #girlblogging #poem #writing #wlw #unrequited love #love letters #broken heart #theatre #musicals #writers on tumblr #dreamland

[alovelessautumn]

Everywhere.

01 | Majorie

The light enters trough the hospital windows and reflects on Majorie's grey hairs, drawing colors into the black and white picture composed by her pale skin and dark eyebags.

It's 5:45 pm and Majorie effectuates her last heartbeat.

It's 5:46 pm and Majorie is dead.

Mary's heart drops to the floor and tears won't stop coming out of her eyes. Doctors and nurses break into the room effectuating all kind of procedures on her but there's no use.

Mary's husband holds her hand standing as strong as rock. He tries to console her by wrapping her between his arms for the next fiveteen minutes.

Sixteen hours later there's a grave with Majorie Connor written in it, Majorie's body resting underneath it.

Mary knows her mother was the main reason her life is so fucked up, the calls at 2am asking for her presence, the days she needed to prepare food instead of going to school like a normal child would do, the unwanted remarks she made about her hair makeup or clothes...

Ironically her mother was the one she asked everything to, the one that always took care of the little Lucas and he adored. How will Lucas feel about this? She thinks every possible thought while staring at the marble, slowly drowning into the sadness that deteriored her mother's life.

The absence of her mother is felt through the following days in every daily task : going to the supermarket, cooking, folding the laundry, watching old romcoms. Will she ever become just like her mother? Will she stay in bed and rely on ten year old Leo for weeks? Will she...?

Her vision is becoming blurry and her left ear rings. She's underwater and she's unable to breath.

She needs to calm down, she's not her mother.

Or is she?

#writers on tumblr #writing #aesthetic #blog #grief #mother #everywhere #emotional #loss #fiction

[alovelessautumn]

01. Dreamland

I'm running in circles, there isn't any way out of that building. I'm being chased and everything is blurry but I need to go to the highest floor.

I see you there waiting by the window, it's our usual Tuesday meeting. You're smiling and patiently waiting for me, as I run between the walls of that maze.

I don't know where to go, I don't know how to get to the highest floor but I desesperately try to. I crave your touch, in my head I'm already between your arms.

I wake up on an empty bed at three am. Your arms are miles away and I've never been between them.

In my dreams you love me back.

#red velvet #girlblogger #aesthetic #blog #poetry #coquette #girlblogging #poem #spotify #unrequited love #online love #writing #writers on tumblr #in my dreams #dream #Spotify #dreamland

[alovelessautumn]

Tissue box

I remember laughing nights , friendship bracelet making afternoons, they are in the past.

I see your face as I give you my birthday gift, it doesn't light up.

I was there when you cried about him, every single damn night, doesn't matter that I didn't stand that.

I see myself slowly disappearing from the pictures on your wall.

I see you ignoring my texts, but I shouldn't worry cause you're busy, fuck.

I know it's a lie.

You smile so much when you're talking with them.

You talk about hours with her, just like we did.

You'll do anything he says, cause you love him.

Your pictures are so cool, but I'm never in them.

I've always put ribbons in my hair, but they only look good on her.

I planned your whole birthday party, but you thank her.

I always took the photos you asked for, but hers are better.

You only reach when you're sad, like a kid asking for their mom.

I listen while I diosciate and nod.

I'm just a stupid tissue box.

Once a best friend, now just another one.

You say it isn't like that, but I know.

#2am thoughts #best friends #friends #aesthetic #blog #poetry #girlblogger #girlblogging #coquette #photography #poem #breakup #left out

[alovelessautumn]

Pandora's box

The traces are fast but delicate, the words flowing out of my brain are gently written on the paper.

I elevate my hand, it falls with the gravity of a thousand pounds and the weight of all my feelings, creating a round final dot.

The ink splashes my hand and some of the roses printed at the end of the paper as I contemplate it just like an artist contemplates it's new creation.

A small piece of paper now has all the feelings I've been experiencing trough my last months, all of my memories. It smells like Chanel number five, her favorite perfume, even if I didn't put any. Stargazing sessions, sunsets in the beach, and cold winter mornings spent laughing with hot drinks are portrayed in elegant cursive letters.

The image of her hair shinning as golden as the sun during that time we were stepping out of that bookstore next to the river plays in my head. She was smiling, her red lipstick curving towards the end of her mouth.

I look again at the letter and then I see her looking at me with tears in her eyes and a disappointed look. She screams at me, as I've just destroyed our friendship. I should have never written it I'm selfish. My tears are watering the paper mixing all of the ink and making it impossible to read.

I've fucked it up.

I take the letter and throw it at the first drawer on the left. Ripped birthday letters, a love letter to that brunette girl with emerald eyes, a resignation letter, the pen that the my grandma gave me, and a many wrinkled papers are in different positions of that Pandora's box.

I can't tell my feelings, I'll never do it. My love is safe inside my heart so it doesn't need to get out. That's the case of my anger, my sadness, my deepest thoughts and my darkest secrets. They will never know. Nobody will ever know.

Not even my mother, my brother, my best friend will find me opening up to them. A Pandora's box should never be opened, they'll only know it if I write it on my suicide letter.

I get the coat and throw the rose at the trash can while I paint my lips with that brown lipstick she gifted me. I get out of the house and close the door cause I'm meeting in thirty minutes with her.

I hope she's wearing her red lipstick and I can sense the smell of Chanel number five tonight.

#girlblogger #aesthetic #blog #poetry #coquette #girlblogging #poem #love #unrequited love #wlw #love letters #writing

[alovelessautumn]

I stare at the shells that I picked up for my birthday in November. The remains of dead molluscs, so beautiful yet another reminder of my inevitable death.

I picked them laughing with my friends, searching for the prettiest ones, the most colorful ones, the unique ones. The ones that didn't match our criteria were abandoned to be taken back again into the ocean.

And right now I stare at the reflection of light in them wondering if once dead someone will cherish that much my remains.

¿Will I be the ashes that will help grow the first rose that a girl receives? ¿Will I melt into the soil and make mauves that will feed butterflies? ¿Will someone in a future dig my bones and admire them just like I'm doing with my shells? ¿Will my atoms get to the other side of the universe and be the star that brings a smile to a little girl admiring the sky?

But maybe I'll just be a shell abandoned to be taken by the ocean.

(pics by me) 17.02.24 🌷

#girlblogger #girlblogging #blog #poetry #shell #existence #existentialism #photography #aesthetic #writing

[alovelessautumn]

toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart

baby bang it up inside

do mi ti, ¿why not me?

#mitski #washing machine #girlblogger #photography #lyrics #unrequited love #sadgirl #SoundCloud

[alovelessautumn]

empty shells and a sparkling sense of nostalgia

(pics by me)

#photography #nostalgia #aesthetic #girlblogger #this is a girlblog #shell #beaded jewelry #y2k

[alovelessautumn]

I can't listen to any hozier song without thinking about you and imagining us dancing to it

If you knew this you would hate me, cause hozier is your favorite artist

#girlblogger #blog #hozier #music #sad thoughts #lgbtq #fake scenarios #unrequited love #online

[alovelessautumn]

I notice it going down my face.

Tears in my cheeks as I watch some old videos or pictures.

It's funny that I cry at some pictures (dated of 2018) when my life was at the lowest and I was just a confused little girl.

It's funny that I'm nostalgic about things like last year or last month, an old perfume that isn't aviable anymore, the stickers I never used as a child, or someone who was never there for me and fucked up my life.

Its funny how I'm nostalgic for past eras of fashion that I never got to live, for others past lives, for some books or films that I read long ago.

At the end of the day, I'm just another victim of nostalgia.

Another girl clinging onto the past cause she's disgusted by her immediate present and terrified of her future.

#girlblogging #blog #poetry #coquette #this is a girlblog #nostalgia #nostalgic #poem #writing #aesthetic #Spotify