thewordsthatwereneversaid
The Words That Were Never Said
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Sitting off the side of the bed
Too young for my feet to reach the ground
It was our secret game
So I didn’t make a sound
You showed me your world
One I was too little to know about
But that didn’t stop you
From causing all this doubt
Now intimacy is a challenge
I fear physical touch
I wanted your approval
But it took away so much
Not just from the moment
But also from my life to follow
Questioning every decision I make
Leaves me feeling so hollow
I should hate you
Still I blame myself for what happened to me
Because the door was wide open
And I didn’t leave
#poetry#newpoet#original#poem#newpoets#newpoetsociety#new#love#spoken poetry#spokenword#sad poem#sad#sad thoughts#sad poetry
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If time travel were real, I’d go back to life before loss
A time when you are 70, I am 15 and I could not imagine my world without you
I am driven two hours to run into your arms
And am embraced by the smell of soup radiating from the kitchen stove
There are cream savers in the dish next to the remote
Wheel of fortune is playing on the tv
And pictures of me are framed on the wall
I’d travel back in time to family dinners
A time filled with your hugs
And when your advice was right in front of me
You’d remind how I am growing up in the blink of an eye
That time is moving too fast
A time when to me, we had so many Sundays left
So much time to enjoy together
I must have been the one to blink too quickly
Now am I 26, you are forever 72
And soup makes me feel homesick for a home I can never return to
Cream savers were discontinued
My Sundays are spent alone
Time travel isn’t real
And your spot at the dinner table remains empty
If I could go back I’d tell you I’m not ready to let you go
But you are already gone
#poetry#newpoet#original#poem#newpoets#newpoetsociety#new#love#spoken poetry#spokenword#grieving#grief#loss#i miss you
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What they don’t tell you about grief:
1. I still keep your phone number in my contacts list because I refuse to believe you are more than a phone call away
2. Soup stopped tasting the same when you left
3. There’s a lingering sadness in each milestone you aren’t here to see
4. It took me too many years after losing you to stop looking for you in crowded rooms
5. Sometimes, for a brief moment all these years later, I still forget you aren’t here
6. No matter how much love I receive, there is always this emptiness around me
7. When I lost you, I also lost the plan I had created for the future
8. I will never stop missing you
9. I will NEVER stop missing you
10. I will never be ready to let you go, but you are already gone
#poetry#newpoet#original#poem#newpoets#newpoetsociety#new#love#spoken poetry#spokenword#grief#dealing with grief#grieving#loss
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You live life like a personal circus
I am tired of being played in your game
Please tell me why you see me as worthless
You tell me lies that always end the same
You continue to keep score
I already told you I’m not playing
Find myself crying on the bathroom floor
You’re not listening to what I’m saying
Where there is no safety there is no rest
Haven’t slept in months, must be a bad dream
Leaving peacefully is my one request
Your actions towards me are always extreme
I’m sorry for choosing to walk away
But I no longer have the strength to stay
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I spend a generous amount of time
Carrying the weight of my memories like a backpack
26 years of flashbacks
Inhibit me from moving forward
All I ever wanted was to fit in
Fit into the friend group
Fit into the smaller pair of jeans
Fit into our family
And in the effort to become more like those around me
I forgot to be myself
I am disappearing
My thoughts are fading and the silence is overpowering
How can emptiness be so heavy
And memories cost so much
I keep my story to myself
Not because I am ashamed
But rather protecting those I encounter
Why should others taste the pain I have swallowed whole
The words I never chose to say
Are stuck in the back of my throat
The loudest voices start as a whisper
I am still waiting to scream
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Some things will always be out of reach
Like a call from a loved one who is gone
I try to remember lessons youd teach
And hear your voice in each radio song
Friends say life will continue to progress
can return back to how it was before
I have no desire I must confess
With each passing day I just miss you more
I do not like the word normal
And I do not like not having you here
We said one last goodbye dressed all formal
Put on a brave face to hide all the fear
In this life you will remain sixty five
And I am not sure how i can survive
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Why is it easy to fall out of love
For me, will anyone be just enough
There is not any person I can think of
Who I would remain by if times were tough
Nights spent overthinking the past
Am I as forgettable as I think
Looking for just one relationship to last
Each failure drives my confidence to shrink
Conversations spent staring at ceilings
While analyzing how these thoughts could stem
Was never good at sharing my feelings
But that didn’t mean I didn’t have them
Please tell me that we once had something real
There is so much your silence can reveal
#poetry#newpoet#original#poem#newpoets#newpoetsociety#new#love#spoken poetry#spokenword#sad#sad poem#you are enough#am i enough
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I can’t stop falling for his potential
Imagining what our future could be
Keeping worries or doubts confidential
As if they are blind spots I can not see
Mistook stomach knots for butterflies
The constant questions and check ins for charm
Turned promises to truths when they were lies
Without realizing how that could cause harm
With a smile that could brighten the night
And big blue eyes that mirrored the ocean
You became my external source of light
I kept our relationship in motion
The truth is out now and I can’t go back
Why do break ups feel like a heart attack
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We did not make it but I wished we could
Now i am the only one by my side
So many factors were misunderstood
But I’m not sure I even let you try
Being together brought out our worst
A relationship without maturity
My inability to put you first
Paired with your insecurity
So scared of endings i barely began
To see the relationship as a whole
The qualities I look for in a man
Were over thrown by your need to control
If I could I would rewrite our romance
But the stars knew we never stood a chance
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I am the main monster under my bed
Though I’ve never been afraid of the dark
The stories I make up in my own head
Haunt me in the daylight and dull my spark
I navigate the world trying my best
Not caring and panicking all at once
Counting the moments until I can rest
Living this way taught me to put up fronts
Am I such a fraud for acting ok
When in mind is a constant battle
I pretend to be present every day
Inconveniences make my life rattle
Friends ask why I’m quiet when they’re around
Self doubt and silence can have the same sound
#poetry#newpoet#original#poem#newpoets#newpoetsociety#new#love#sonnet#spoken poetry#spokenword#shakespeare
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I have a hard time accepting
That no matter how much time passes
For the rest of my life
You will live in my past
The street you lived on
The location of our first kiss
The intersection where you told me you were falling in love with me
Are all permanently carved into my memory
And when I think back to the time I spent with you
I am filled with nothing but regret
I regret not leaving sooner
Not saying no
Changing who I was to please you
When Facebook recommends you as someone I may know
I deeply wish I didn’t
I take new routes home now
Avoid the places that met the version of us I can’t seem to escape
How is it possible that you forgot everything
And I am stuck in a loop of memories
The only comfort I find is knowing there was an end to us
And every choice moving forward is one I can make for only me
Every milestone i achieve now is one you will not know
I have a new apartment that you’ve never seen
And a new job you didn’t hear about
And i hope thats enough to one day bring me peace
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I have this habit of falling in love with people’s potential
Overlooking the bad behaviors because
He could change
He could be great
But he won’t be - not with me at least
I see a sparkle in his eye
And paint a galaxy of stars
Write song lyrics using the one word he got right
Ignoring the cruelty that followed
Finding ways to blame myself after every conversation
Because at his best
He would never hurt me
I craft a life that will not exist for us
How confusing it is to look at him and see all he is missing
It’s always what we could be that haunts me
Sunday dinners, meeting the family, vacations, warmth and safety
The name calling that could be complements whispered in my ear
The tight grasp of my wrists that could be gentle hands around my waist
The angry voicemails that could be love notes
Because when he is not scary
It is magical
I host a funeral for the future we never had
How interesting it is to mourn something that never existed
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Hi it’s dad, give me a call
•
The phone rings twice before he answers
•
His voice cracks a little as he starts to speak
“She’s in the hospital again. It isn’t looking good. I’m sorry.”
•
Inhale. Exhale. Silence.
I was sorry, too.
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I used to be in love with someone who wouldn’t let me sit on his side of the couch If I accidentally sat in a spot that he had claimed to be his own He would make me get up and move to another seat
I fell in love with someone who would scold me for showing up to our reservation before he did or for offering to pay Because that was the role of a man
A man who would not let me head out before 11 on a Tuesday night even though he knew I had an early start to my Wednesday morning
I fell in love with someone who would try to make me feel guilty about having friends Attending plans without him was an ultimate betrayal And every girls trip I took only resulted in a tighter grasp around my wrist when I returned
I used to be in love with someone Who was in love with controlling me
I am trying to fall in love with myself To find stability in this body and trust the legs beneath me to march me towards a positive future
I wear bracelets now and they do not feel like handcuffs They do not feel like the man who was too insecure to let my hands fall to my side as I walked away
They do not hide his anger, his harsh actions, or my fear
I smile more now Got my laughter back And am learning to exhale
It’s new and different and free
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Some days I wear self-certainty like a smile
Soft and wide and bright enough to reflect onto those around me
When questions arise around my abilities, I flash it brighter
Other days don’t look the same
The echoing of my surroundings remind me
The light of the sun makes the ice in my coffee melt
The evidence of nyc on my sneakers can’t always be scrubbed away
And I will never be enough
I sit in a room and know I am safe
Yet my mind imagines the walls closing in
I am frozen yet burning
In those moments I want to scream fire
Like i learned at a young age
fire gets people to listen.
But I can’t scream fire when I am the arsonist
The label maker turns on again
Printing my past like a broken record
Can everyone see what they used to call me
The thoughts in my head become my reality
And I don’t know how it ends
A thousand ways to scream what I want
But zero to get the message across
What can I do to prove I am enough?
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I spend a generous amount of time
Carrying the weight of my memories in my backpack
26 years of flashbacks
Inhibit me from moving forward
All I ever wanted was to fit in
Fit into the friend group
Fit into the smaller pair of jeans
Fit into our family
And in the effort to become more like you all
I forgot to be myself
I am disappearing
How can emptiness be so heavy
And memories cost so much
I keep my story to myself
Not because I am ashamed
But rather protecting those around me
Why should others taste the pain I have swallowed whole
The words I never chose to say
Are stuck in the back of my throat
The loudest voices start as a whisper
I am still waiting to scream
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