Words whispered
in bedsheets
made me believe
we were in love
-h.h.
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I feel us drifting apart
Day by day
I say less
You care less
We do less
And yet we still say
We are closer
Than we have ever been
-h.h.
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I don’t know
Where i’m going in life
What it will look like
Months from now
But i do know
You wont be there
And I’m starting to believe
That’s a good thing
-h.h.
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I can lie to myself
In fact,
I do it more often than I like
But the one lie
I repeat over and over
And never stop believing
Is that I hope I never hear from you
I hope you don’t try to come back
I think the biggest lie is
That I would be angry with you
-h.h.
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The Truth Is
I know
I lied to myself
Saying it was love
But I needed to believe
To have hope
For one goddamn moment
I needed it
I needed to think that I could be loved
In the way I so desperately craved
-h.h.
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I’m trying to heal
To ebb my pains
And banish my fears
And you should know
on my darkest days
There is laughter
Begging to escape my lungs
-h.h.
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Hours
Turn into days
Turn into weeks
Turn into months
Turn into tears
Ive cried
Trying to remember
A time before you
-h.h.
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I write in pen
Because even on paper
I wont let myself forget
the smallest of mistakes
Maybe it’s time
To put down my pen
-h.h.
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To let you go
Is to lose you
But to lose you
Is to save myself
I need to believe
I’m worth saving
-h.h.
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I get within inches of the surface
Of finally being over you
Until you pull me back under
Down to the depths of this mess
Wave after wave of miss yous
Love yous
Nicknames
And i think i can hold my breath long enough
To make things right
To have us reach the surface together
To have a life that doesn’t drag each other under
But you pull me down
And float away
And i try to float back up
These damn turns in the tide
Never giving me a chance to survive
h.h.
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No
You Say
Please Don’t Go
Please Stay With Me
I Will Keep You Safe
I’ll Stop Breaking Your Heart
I Promise I’ll Be Better
I Promise I Won’t Make You Cry
Please Say That You Believe Me This Time
I Promise I Will Never Let You Down
But You Break All Of Your Promises
And Whisper Fake Apologies
And You Keep Breaking My Heart
I Need To Escape You
You Say You Love Me
So I Beg You
Let Me Go
I Can’t
Breathe
-h.h.
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The prologue to a love story is rarely appreciated compared to the end of one.
But what if the very beginning was all you had?
What if the timeline didn’t match for the main characters?
What if the love felt from one wasn’t shown until years down the line
When thousands of miles and ocean separated the two?
I guess doomed love stories only get the prologue, because there is no happily ever after.
The end.
-h.h.
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It has been a week and I haven’t heard from you
It has been a week since you broke your promise
A week since I have felt safe
A week of me feeling used
A week of tears
Of kicking myself while I am already down
It has been a week since you left
without saying goodbye
A week of you not caring
A week since I last heard your voice
A week since you decided you are over me
A week since I have been under you
A week is all it took for you to be fine
This week has made me lose my mind.
-h.h.
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April 27th
I’m getting bad again
and by that I mean
I am losing the ability to take care of myself
and I didn’t notice
until it was days since I had showered
I couldn’t remember the last time I washed my hair
I asked my friend about it
and she couldn’t remember either
so I sat under the shower water
and I could hardly lift my arms to scrub
the shampoo out of my hair
and when I got out
I just threw my hair up because the idea of brushing it
was too much to think about
and sometimes it’s the little wins
the fact that I washed my hair is enough
but then
I remember I haven’t eaten in a few days
and the idea of standing in the kitchen is too much
I get overwhelmed by the lack of food in the fridge
and I have no idea how to throw something together
I usually could
but i already washed my hair
and I can’t force myself to do
another daunting activity
and instead of cooking
I grab an apple and hope
that this will settle my stomach
and allow me to feel at peace with the
small accomplishment
and then I can go to bed
and hope tomorrow will be
a little bit better
-h.h.
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Then What...
If I told you I loved you
Then what
Is that supposed to magically fix the problems we have
Do you want me to change who I am
Do you want me to apologize for not being able to take a leap of faith
If I told you I loved you
I would still be who I am
I was raised on broken promises so don’t blame me
for being wary of yours.
I am sorry that I am scared
I can’t help that I have fears while you are fearless.
Do you actually love me for who I am,
Or do you love me for who you think you can mold me into?
I’m sorry that the person I shared with you
isn’t who you wanted
I want to grow
but I don’t want to grow
in fear of losing you.
I want you to encourage me
to become a better version of myself
Not a completely new version.
If I told you I loved you
This would be too real
And I am not ready
at least not yet
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When were rules implemented on love?
I thought falling in love was art
Not science
I thought love was supposed to take you over emotionally
Not a numbers game where you try to figure out
Whether or not giving over your heart
Is worth the risk of breaking it
When did i have to learn to silence my feelings
And keep the love trapped within myself?
-h.h.
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I Haven't Showered in Days
Sad songs flow from my speakers
Minutes turn into hours
Hours turn into days
and I still feel the same.
I don’t remember when I last had a shower.
How much crying has to occur
Before the thought of you
Does not bring me down
Can I cry out my feelings for you?
I still have not taken a shower.
I need closure
Or maybe a shower would help
Maybe I could wash the smell of you away
and the crying could stop.
I should really take a shower.
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