taviawrites

[taviawrites]

It used to be hard for me to leave people.

I used to think of others before I thought of myself.

I would put them on a pedestal.

I’d place them on the highest shelf.

Until I started to grow tired.

My soul became weary.

And I took a look around,

Trying to find someone, anyone who would be there for me.

There weren’t many by my side.

And that is when I learned,

That everyone else was looking out for themselves.

And it was time I do the same for me.

So leaving doesn’t hurt anymore.

It doesn’t leave me torn like it used to.

Because I have to protect myself.

I have to come first.

Or I’d spend the rest of my life dying,

Trying to be a savior for people who wouldn’t think twice if I disappeared.

[taviawrites]

twenties.

Last night I had this sudden realization. A moment of clarity. What I realized was that I really owe it to myself to really, intentionally focus on myself for the rest of my twenties. Fuck what everyone else is doing. Fuck searching for love. Fuck going out and being reckless. Fuck anything that isn’t going to contribute to my growth and success. I have all of these dreams and ideas and the only one who is going to be able to make them come true is myself. It’s not going to happen out of sheer luck. It won’t happen if I’m trying to pour myself into relationships that aren’t serving me. It won’t happen if I’m consuming myself with other people’s drama. It won’t happen while I’m out partying my life away. All of the things that I want and desire will come in time with my discipline and focus. I really owe this to myself. To love myself enough to make all of my biggest and wildest dreams come true. And it is going to happen. I open my heart, mind, body, soul, and spirit to all of the accomplishments and success that God has for me. It is already mine. Now it’s time to put this work in.

[taviawrites]

seeking advice from a good listener? ask away.

would anyone like to ask me questions?

i am a good listener and enjoy providing my community with support in any way i can.

don't be shy, you are welcome here.

ask away.

[taviawrites]

sensitivity

the older i become the more i realize that i have always been a sensitive human. i feel intensely, deeply. as my cousin likes to say, my heart is jupiter sized. i was born with the capacity to feel for you and me. the universe has blessed me with the strength to have empathy for all of us. and there is beauty in that. i was conditioned to believe that being sensitive was a burden. that i needed to acquire the skills to turn it off in protection of myself. in order to accommodate others. i was convinced that feeling made me weak. but the more i come home to myself the more i realize there is liberation in sensitivity. there is something so powerful about feeling your emotions to their fullest extent. there is magnificent wonder and relief when you give yourself the space to shed those tears.

#octavia writes #writers on tumblr #poetry #prose poem #octaviawrites #poet #writer #poets on tumblr #lesbian #lesbian writer #queer writer #lesbian pride #sapphic #queer #queer artist #queer pride #queer community #lgbtqia #nonbinary

[taviawrites]

i am tired of experiencing the agony of being in constant physical pain. i would just like someone to tell me what is wrong with me.

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[taviawrites]

I actually just saw your ask away post.

At what point did you know you were not attracted to men. I feel like as the years go by, I am less attracted to men sexually. But it is hard for me because I’ve been dating a man for nearly 5 years now…

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I have been queer my entire life, but I was socialized to be heterosexual. This forced me to shove down any feelings or realizations I would have about my attraction to women. So, when I entered my early twenties and I started dating I was seeking out relationships with men.

This had more to do with the childhood trauma I had from my dad. The dynamic I had with the first guy I dated was an exact replica of my relationship with him. I was never really attracted to my first boyfriend. It just felt good to be desired and paid attention to. Two things my dad never showcased. It felt good until it got bad. We were together for almost two years until I decided to break up with him for good. After dealing with that I made the choice to go to therapy. I knew I needed to unpack my issues from my upbringing in order to learn boundaries and to unpack why I believed that I deserved to be treated horribly. I didn't want to keep attracting the same dating partners.

Therapy helped me tremendously. It wasn't long after my first relationship that I fell into another long-term relationship. I was more hopeful this time around. My second boyfriend seemed to be different than my previous experience. We had an emotional connection. I was ready to implement all I had learned in therapy. I wanted to experience safe and healthy love. Much like my first relationship, things were good until they weren't. I genuinely loved him, but I was led on. This is when I experienced my first heartbreak. We were together for a year and after he took me home to meet his family, we broke up.

I stayed single for a long while after that. Allowing myself to really feel my emotions and reflect. I did a ton of journaling and spent most of my time in solitude during this period. And when I felt ready to date again I developed more confidence in myself, what I knew I deserved, and I wasn't willing to compromise for anyone.

I had never experienced casual dating and I wanted to explore keeping my options open. This led me to go on many dates with different kinds of men. In the end, I came to the realization that most of them are the same. Lacking emotional depth, self-awareness, and the ability to commit. Most of them were always trying to overcompensate for something that they lacked and it always resulted in them trying to belittle me. Especially because I knew what I wanted.

Throughout the course of my casual dating experience, I realized that my sexual experiences with men were unfulfilling. I felt used the majority of the time. Like I was only valued for my body. I was never able to express my sensuality and if I did was considered unpure or promiscuous. I was only ever able to show up submissive during sexual encounters, making me feel boxed in.

That is when I started to reflect on my sexuality and I thought I might be bisexual. I remember going on this one date with a guy I met at my doctor's office. I was more interested in developing a platonic connection after what I had experienced with casual dating and I felt this was a great opportunity to do so. We had only been on one date and at the end of it he tried to fuck me in his car.

I was disgusted and repelled by his touch. Especially after specifically telling him I didn't want to move things too fast. My boundaries weren't respected. After having that experience I was 100% sure that men gave me the ick. Over and over they had revealed to me that I was never valued as a person. I was always viewed as a sex doll by them and it made me feel gross.

At this point, I figured I was gay.

I started to date women and when I had my first sexual experience with a woman I felt like I had come home to myself.

It felt exactly how I had imagined sex to feel.

Queer sex makes me feel sensual, beautiful and celebrated. I am touched in the exact ways that I desire. I don't feel like an object. I am treated gently and with kindness. I am never shamed for wanting to be dominant. And I am never left feeling like less of myself.

Exploring my sexuality was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I could have easily continued to repeat the cycle, but I trusted my intuition and now I am proud of my queerness.

I lived a straight life for twenty-three years of my life and the lesbian in me was desperately trying to reveal themself.

I am so happy that I ended up here.

It is never too late to explore your sexuality.

You deserve to love and be loved in the ways that resonate with you.

#octavia writes #octaviawrites #poetry #poet #writer #lesbian writer #lesbian pride #sapphic #ask me questions #ask me anything #queer #queer writer

[taviawrites]

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

— Unknown

[taviawrites]

seeking advice from a good listener? ask away.

would anyone like to ask me questions?

i am a good listener and enjoy providing my community with support in any way i can.

don't be shy, you are welcome here.

ask away.

#octavia writes #octaviawrites #poetry #poet #writer #lesbian #poetry quotes #ask me anything #ask me questions

[taviawrites]

we are all learning as we go.

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[taviawrites]

there is something so quaint and delicate about watching the sun go from dusk to dawn.

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[taviawrites]

Blå V. Photo taken by me.

[taviawrites]

In Love

I don't ever want to be crazy in love again.

I want to be happily in love.

I want to be healthily in love.

I want to be peacefully in love.

[taviawrites]

dom fem

Skin-on-skin contact, as you look me in the eyes.

Your hands-on my neck, as I rub up and down your thighs.

Our breath, syncopated.

You've got your hand entangled in mine.

Tonguing me down all at the same time.

So passionate, so feminine.

Too good to be true.

Oh, how I love being dominated by you.

[taviawrites]

how dare she

i have spent my entire life being mocked and scrutinized by people for the magic that I have been blessed with / for the hands the universe has dealt me with / it is not enough that i deal with the excruciating struggles that come with being black and gay / oh, she's talented too? / we must hate her / we must tear her to shreds / because her light makes me feel insecure / how dare she claims to be exceptional at anything? / how dare she / how dare she / how dare she / is black, gay, and talented? / how dare she / how dare she.

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[taviawrites]

Somewhere between I'm terrified of loving again and I'm ready to give you all I have in me.

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[taviawrites]

🤍

all of me

I am so ready to just give you all of me.

You deserve to be loved in all the correct ways.

[taviawrites]

take your time to grow

I hate going a day without talking to you, but I'll give you all the space you need because I care about you. I care about your personal growth. I sincerely want you to succeed. Take your time to grow, I will be here.

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