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thebakingqueen5 · 3 years

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KW 2021: Missing Scenes

Day 3 for Kataang Week 2021 hosted by @kataang-week with the prompt Missing Scenes!

This was arguably the most obvious way to go about this prompt but I wanted to write it anyways because if there’s one missing scene that should’ve been included in the series, it’s something to bridge the gap between EIP and Sozin’s Comet.

Links: AO3 | FF.net

Summary: Another year, another summer, another week of prompts celebrating our favorite couple. Kataang Week 2021 Day 3: Missing Scenes. Bridging the gap between the Ember Island Players and Sozin’s Comet Series Finale.

Word Count: 2.8K

It was another cool night on Ember Island. The moon was beginning to rise and was lighting up the corridors and central courtyard while the Gaang got some food to replenish themselves after a long day of training and preparations.

Sozin’s Comet was a mere few days away, and tensions were higher than ever. Earlier that day, the true plans of the Firelord had been revealed: that he was planning to use the comet to wipe out the Earth Kingdom entirely, which meant that Aang had to face him on the doomsday itself at the latest. It was a challenge he felt none too prepared for.

He thought that he was going to get more time to master his earth and firebending, but with this newest revelation, it was pretty clear this was not the case, and the stress was beginning to get to the young airbender.

The practice battle against Toph posing as the Melonlord had Aang’s stomach tied in knots. Before today, the final fight seemed so distant, almost inconceivable, something that he would only have to do when he was absolutely ready for it. But now? It was coming, and it was coming fast, and Aang had no idea how to handle it.

The boy hadn’t really thought about what he would do when he finally faced Ozai. He assumed that by the time he mastered all four elements, the solution would be obvious, but it wasn’t. Everyone else seemed convinced that killing him was the only option, but that went against everything Aang had been taught by the monks. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like him. How was he supposed to do something so drastic when he didn’t even believe in it? There had to be another way, something he was missing, there just had to be!

“I have a surprise for everyone!” Katara called as she walked into the clearing, immediately snapping Aang out of his intense thoughts. He briefly glanced up from the plate of food in front of him as everyone’s eyes turned to the crimson-clad waterbender, a rolled up tan scroll in her hands.

“I knew it!” Toph exclaimed. She grinned devilishly as she looked up from her wooden bowl of rice. “You did have a secret thing with Haru!”

Sokka, Suki, Zuko, and Katara all blinked at her in confusion and gave the blind earthbender a bewildered look, unsure of where her supposed epiphany came from.

“Uh…” the waterbender responded slowly as the others returned to their meals. “No. I was looking for cooking pots in the attic and I found this.”

She unfurled the parchment in her hands, making a slight swish noise.

“Look at baby Zuko,” she cooed. “Isn’t he cute?”

The paper in her hands was in fact a painting showing a happy, bright-eyed cherub of a baby laughing as he played on the beach. He looked to be quite young, having only a tiny topknot on his head and a mere two teeth in his small mouth while a tiny shovel and sandcastle lay on the ground next to him.

Everyone except for Zuko laughed and “aww”d at the adorable picture while the firebender stared at the others gravely.

“Oh, lighten up,” Katara admonished when she noticed his lack of response. “I’m just teasing.”

“That’s not me,” the firebender said, opening his eyes to look at her. “It’s my father.”

The Gaang looked on in shock as Katara rolled the scroll back up. They were all wondering the same thing- how could such a precious baby have become the most cruel man on the planet?

“But he looks so sweet and innocent,” Suki frowned, her voice faltering.

“Well, that sweet little kid grew up to be a monster,” Zuko spat. “And the worst father in the history of fathers.”

“But he’s still a human being.”

Everyone turned to look at the source of the voice. Aang’s back was hunched over his tray of rice and beans a few feet away from them, and a deep frown rested on his normally cheery features.

“You’re going to defend him?” Zuko questioned.

“No,” Aang clarified. “I agree with you.”

“Firelord Ozai is a horrible person, and the world would probably be better off without him,” he said as he stood up and turned around to face them, “but there’s gotta be another way.”

“Like what?” Zuko deadpanned.

“I don’t know,” Aang shrugged. He turned his gaze down and away from the others, eyebrows tilted upwards in concentration, when an idea came to him.

“Maybe we can make some big pots of glue, and then I can use gluebending to stick his arms and legs together so he can’t bend anymore!” he said excitedly.

Zuko smiled sarcastically. “Yeah, then you can show him his baby pictures, and all those happy memories will make him good again.”

“Do you really think that would work?” Aang asked eagerly, oblivious to Sokka and Suki snickering behind the firebender.

“No!”

Aang sighed heavily and hung his head in defeat. He needed to find another solution, think out of the box somehow. He stared at the ground for a few moments in exasperation before hopping down the stone steps to pace under a hanging orange lamp in the courtyard.

“This goes against everything I learned from the monks,” he said, walking back and forth. “I can’t just go around wiping out people I don’t like!”

“Sure you can!” Sokka interjected from the sidelines. “You’re the Avatar! If it’s in the name of keeping balance I’m pretty sure the universe will forgive you.”

Aang’s arms and slumped upper body shook violently with rage.

“This isn’t a joke, Sokka!” he shouted. “None of you understand the position I’m in!”

How could they, after all? They hadn’t been at the Air Temples a century ago. They hadn’t been raised by the Nomads to be peaceful and treat every life as sacred. He was the last of his people, and somehow none of them could see that. To them it was the simplest decision in the world- just get it over with and save the world, but it wasn’t to Aang. It wasn’t as cut and dry as that.

“Aang, we do understand,” the waterbender frowned. “It’s just-”

“Just what, Katara? What?”

“We’re trying to help!” she said angrily, her temper also rising.

“Then, when you figure out a way for me to beat the Fire Lord without taking his life, I'd love to hear it!”

Aang raised his arms in frustration with the last few words and stormed off in the direction of his room, feet stomping loudly against the stone floor.

“Aang, don’t walk away from this,” Katara began as she made a movement to follow him.

Zuko put a hand on her shoulder, and the waterbender faltered, turning towards him.

“Let him go,” he said quietly. “He needs time to sort it out by himself.”

The waterbender huffed in indignation and began walking towards her own room.

“I’m going to turn in early tonight,” she muttered, arms wrapped around her torso. “Good night, guys.”

“Good night,” the rest of them mumbled back, all but Zuko turning their attention back to dinner. The firebender scrutinized her receding figure as Katara turned the corner and went down the left hall to her room. He knew she was likely going to talk with him anyways that night, but the least he could do was make sure she gave the airbender enough space to cool down.

After a few minutes of glaring at the corridor, Zuko turned back to the ragtag team of misfits and their lively voices. Though he had been traveling with Team Avatar for some time now, the way they managed to turn the subject of conversation to the Earth King’s bear Bosco in such a short amount of time would forever be a mystery to him, but nevertheless he listened attentively and heard from them all the latest exploits of what went on beyond Fire Nation borders.

Meanwhile, true to her word, Katara went back to her room and attempted to sleep, but it was an effort in vain. The last few days had been weighing heavily on her- she and Aang had never experienced such a tumultuous period in their friendship before, and between the kiss during the play and the past ten minutes, it was safe to say there was some tension.

She closed her eyes and groaned, tossing and turning to try and find a comfortable position to no avail. She just couldn’t take her mind off it. Katara stared at the ceiling and let out a short huff before sitting back up with a new fire in her eyes. She wasn’t going to sit around, no, she was going to face her problems head on like a rock!

“Toph would be so proud,” Katara chuckled as she wrapped her kimono on over her bindings.

With as much stealth as she could muster, Katara carefully opened the door from her room and crept down the hallway until she was facing the entrance to Aang’s.

She stared at the block of wood intently. It almost seemed like a cruel metaphor- the barrier between her and Aang not only physically, but emotionally as well.

Nevertheless, Katara was here to get things done.

The waterbender didn’t want to knock and alert everyone else of what she was doing, but she also didn’t want to show up unannounced and startle Aang. After a few minutes of careful consideration, Katara concluded that the latter was the lesser of the two evils, and she slowly pushed the handle and entered his room.

In the very back, she saw Aang’s silhouette in the partially open paper divider splitting the balcony from the main room. Katara walked closer to him, and she sat down silently at the opening of the divider when she saw him in deep concentration. He had been meditating with four small candles, some water, and some rice buns on a wooden board in front of him. The dim light of the candles highlighted Aang’s tense features, contorted in frustration.

“I know you’re there, Katara,” the airbender said after a few moments, apparently not as concentrated as she thought. “I could hear your footsteps from a mile away.”

The girl blushed furiously in embarrassment and promptly decided the floor was the most fascinating thing she had ever seen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Katara apologized. “I just wanted to talk but I get if you’re busy-”

Aang sighed and bowed his head in reverence to the spirits before opening his eyes and turning to look at her with a kind expression.

“It’s alright. Meditating wasn’t really getting me anywhere anyways,” he said sheepishly. “What did you want to talk about?”

Katara twisted a lock of hair around her finger and scooted closer to him.

“I’m not here to lecture you or anything. I’m not here to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because ultimately it’s up to you and only you. You’re under a lot of stress right now, and I get that. I just don’t want, well, us,” she gestured between them, “to be a part of that stress.”

The airbender laughed nervously and looked at the trees around them to avoid her gaze. He subtly wiped his growingly sweaty hands on his cotton shirt, praying to all the spirits that she wasn’t talking about what he thought she was talking about.

“W-w-what do you mean? You, me, we’re f-friends! Good friends! Th-that’s all there is to it, right?”

“I’m talking about last night at the play,” Katara responded quietly, fingers fidgeting around in her lap. “We should talk about it.”

“Thanks a lot, spirits,” Aang groaned internally. He sighed and tucked his knees into his body.

“I think we both made it pretty clear that we want different things, Katara. It’s alright, really,” he said with a sad smile. “I made a mistake kissing you, especially after you already said you were confused, and I’m sorry. You don’t have to worry about me- I’ll get over it. I just don’t want to lose your friendship. I’d rather we just pretend like it never happened.”

The regret in his eyes was as clear as a full moon against the backdrop of a cloudless night sky, and it killed Katara from within to see it.

“We both said a lot of things that night, Aang,” she frowned. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last day, and I didn’t explain myself very well.”

Aang looked at her hesitantly, silently pleading with her to continue. The waterbender tried her hardest not to grin when she saw his unintentional yet extremely endearing puppy dog eyes and instead threw her head back to look at the stars above them.

“I don’t want to lose your friendship either, Aang,” Katara murmured, gazing up at the sky. “You’re the first person I’ve known from outside my tribe, the first other bender I’ve met- you showed me the world. You were my first real friend, and... also my first kiss, first three actually.”

Heat rushed up to their cheeks while Aang became very invested in the wooden flooring, eyes fully concentrated on the patterns of the boards .

“...but more than that,” Katara continued, “you’re the first person I’ve cared for this much, and my brain, my heart, really, doesn’t quite know how to feel about that.”

She tilted her head to the side to look at the boy next to her, who was now also staring at her with newfound hope.

“So yeah,” she exhaled loudly, “I’m confused. But I don’t want to pretend like none of that night ever happened, because if I’m being honest, a part of me wanted all of the… all of our kisses to happen.”

The two sat in silence for a few moments while Aang tried to process her words and formulate his own response.

“So…” Aang trailed off. “Does that mean this, us, still has a chance?”

Katara looked at their intertwined hands and gave him a sad smile.

“Maybe, but that’s just it, Aang. We can’t, not right now.”

The airbender’s cautious smile immediately dropped and was replaced by a frown as he broke eye contact.

“We’re in a war,” she murmured apologetically. “No one, especially not us, can afford to do anything differently. In three days, you’re going to be facing the Firelord, which means in three days, one way or another, this war will be over, and sacrifices will probably be made.”

“Katara, you’re not saying-”

She shook her head. “I’m not saying that, but war means making hard decisions, and in that moment, with that decision, we can’t let emotions cloud our judgement. No matter what sacrifices might be made, we have to end this before it’s too late.”

“I’ll make sure it doesn’t come to that,” Aang said firmly. “I don’t care what it takes.”

Katara smiled at him and leaned in to gently press a kiss to his cheek.

“I know you won’t. I also know that whatever happens with the Firelord, you’ll do the right thing. Not because you’re the Avatar and you have to, but because you’re Aang. Because you’re my Aang, and my Aang always does the right thing.”

The airbender let out a breath of relief, heart practically glowing at her faith in him, and enveloped her in an embrace.

“Thank you, Katara. For everything. For being here for me the last few months, for getting me out of that iceberg, for coming here tonight telling me what I really needed to hear. It means a lot.”

Katara happily returned the hug and squeezed him tight. “Of course, Aang.”

She furrowed her eyebrows when she noticed the circles under his eyes as they broke apart.

“It’s getting late,” Katara whispered, her fingertips lightly tracing his cheeks.

“I’ll leave you to all this-” she gestured to the candles and food, staring quizzically at the contents of the board. “-Avatar business and whatnot. I wish you the best of luck.”

“Thanks, I’ll try my best,” Aang laughed softly as the girl stood up and began walking back to her room. “Good night, Katara. Sweet dreams.”

“I know you will, Aang. Good night and don’t stay up too late- you’ll need your rest.”

The waterbender quietly exited and Aang released a heavy sigh as the door closed with a soft thud.

The airbender turned back to his spread, closed his eyes once more, and resumed his meditation, hoping that somehow, by some miracle, there was another way waiting for him.

“I sure hope you’re right, Katara. I’ll need that luck.”

#kataang #kataang week 2021 #kataang week #kataangtag #aang x katara #ember island #wrote this way later than I should've

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psychewithwings · 3 years

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Pregnant s/o hcs: Mirio, Bakugo, Todoroki, Midoriya, Iida, Tamaki

SFW, just super fluffy

Mirio:

If you don’t think this man is tearing up when you tell him... uhhh you’d be wrong

He is crying over you and so happy, will kneel and just kiss your tummy

And when you’re in bed that night going to sleep, every few minutes he will nuzzle in closer and whisper, “hey guess what? We’re gonna have a baby”

Anytime he says he loves you now he says it to your tummy too

“I love you Y/n, I love that you are mine and I love that you’re going to be the mother of my child” *bends down* “And I love you too baby”

He will have a really hard time waiting until the second trimester to tell anyone but once he is able, everyone will know, and he’s going to have a party in your honor.

He will treat you like a queen, back rubs and foot rubs...

I feel like when you first tell him you’re pregnant he will come home a few days later with a box... when you open it, it’s a maternity dress, and its actually really pretty, with lace and silk, and nice and stretchy...

“I know you don’t need it now, but I saw it when I was out and thought it would look perfect on you...”

He will compliment you every second of every day, will trace your stretch marks and tell you they make you beautiful because it’s all part of you becoming a mother, it’s a natural tattoo, a reminder of how you’re growing a life inside you

He will want to throw a gender reveal party

And no, it can’t be as simple as balloons popping out of a box, he’s gotta have something extravagant to celebrate like fireworks, monster trucks, or a paid actor dressed as a baby

You’re having his baby! This is a pinnacle moment in his life and he is not about to have some basic ass party

Mirio is definitely the kind of guy who thinks you can’t have sex because it could hurt the baby, you will have to make a very embarrassing call to your doctor about that...

He is looking forward to owning dad sandals (who are we kidding he prolly already does)

Bakugo:

This man will shit himself, make sure he is sitting down

“Bakugo... I’m pregnant”

“Hah?”

“I’m having a baby! You’re gonna be a dad”

He’s really happy and excited, he has no doubt you’ll be an amazing mom but he’s kinda worried about him being a dad...

Am I fit to raise a kid? Will I be a good dad?

He will probably start working more and almost go on over drive... He will start coming home later, picking up earlier shifts... And when you ask him, “Katsuki, are you not happy about the baby?” He will kinda break down and tell you “No of course I’m fucking happy about the baby, I just want the world to be safe for our kid... and I only have 8 months till then and-” He drops to his knees in front of you and he’s tearing up. You’ll get onto your knees too and just hug him, “Katsuki, you can’t fix the world before we have our baby,” you’ll look at him lovingly as he realizes how absurd he was being. “But we can prepare to be the best parents we can be...” “Prepare? We’re already gonna be the best parents.”

Okay, Bakugo hypes up the baby too, like...

“Katsuki, come here! The baby is kicking!” *he puts his hand on your tummy* “Baby’s so strong, just like us,” *grabs you and kisses you* “I knew we made a fucking perfect kid”

He will try kill anyone who oversteps the boundary with the bump (like touching the bump without asking)

“OI EXTRA, you wanna take your fucking hands off my woman and my kid or do I have to do that for you...”

Bakugo would be very unnecessarily competitive in birthing class

Will wake you up in the middle of the night at least once, he’s just laying on his back staring wide eyed at the ceiling... “What if I explode the baby?”

You’ll roll over and look at him annoyed, “you won't explode the baby,”

He will settle again once you give him cuddles

You cannot tell me that he would not be your biggest cheerleader when you’re actually giving birth, “PUSH, FUCKING PUSH DUMB ASS!”

Todoroki:

This man freaks out for a sec... cuz daddy issues. But he has a strong resolve so he will come out of it quickly and decide how to

“Shoto, you aren’t anything like Endeavor, you’re going to be an amazing dad”

He will be extremely happy, but his excitement will be softer

Everyday after you tell him he says you’re glowing

He will want to cook you special things because it’s healthy for the baby, or so his mother told him

Speaking of his mother, she taught him how to knit when he went to visit her in the hospital so you’ll find him knitting little hats and bootie and jackets for the baby

He will nest just as much, if not more than you do

You’ll find him awake at 3AM trying to put together some bullshit ikea thing for the baby with the tiny allen wrench they give you for free. “Shoto, come back to bed... we can do that in the morning” “But the baby needs somewhere to sleep,” “Yes, and I’m not due for another two months”

Shoto is already so soft but I think he would be softer

Like when you fall asleep on the couch, he gets home and just cuddles up to you and asks your bump how it’s day was. He will talk to the bump until you wake up and then he just pepper your face with kisses.

He is the only one of all these men who doesn’t shit himself and die when watching the birthing tape. I think he would be calm and say something like “a woman’s body is made to carry and deliver a child, there’s nothing to be frightened of.”

Midoriya:

When you tell him, he’s gonna cry

He will want to call his mom right away

Midoriya is the kinda guy to have a box of his things from when he was a kid stored away to give to his child (it’s all All Might merch but, ya know)

He definitely panics and worries if he is going to be a good father but he takes all that anxiety and just turns it into energy to care for you with

He is already signing you up for birthing classes

This man would take you to all your doctors visits, acupuncture appointments, prenatal massages, and even a strange healing session done in the back room of a health good shop (don’t worry, he checked google reviews, 346 people, and 5 stars) (You weren't sure about it at first, but you felt very at peace afterwards, def worth the 5 star review)

He just really wants you to be happy and healthy

It would be understatement to say he treats you like a queen... he treats you like a goddess, and he tells you everyday how grateful he is that you’re his love and giving him a baby. Especially when you feel insecure about how your body is changing

He will want to make the nursery Hero themed... with an All Might wall decal... you’ll eventually opt for something a little less... exuberant like jungle animals or something. But the compromise is the All Might mobil that spins and says “I am here” while playing twinkle twinkle little star.

He will read to the bump, and sing to it because he wants the baby to know his voice

Will make a ‘goodnight’ song with you for the baby to sing to it every night

Tenya:

Tenya is so excited and immediately starts thinking of things he needs to do for you and baby

The day after he will come home with a bag from the store full of prenatal vitamins and herbal teas that are safe to drink

“My love! I have brought you Evening Primrose supplements, it’s supposed to help with your delivery.”

I think he has name ideas picked out already and is very excited to show them to you. They are all related to the Iida family.

He would ask his brother for advice and would be so excited to tell him when it’s time.

Don’t even worry about pregnancy brain. Iida’s got you, he will help you remember everything you need to know and he will be patient with your cloudy thoughts.

Iida is so matter of fact tho, I can see it coming off as insensitive, especially when you’re dealing with mood swings.

“Darling, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you it’s just that those chips make your stomach hurt and I was only trying to-” “YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO BE HAPPYYYY!!!!!!” “My darling, I want all the happiness in the world for you, you are the mother of my child, I- please don’t cry”

He really loves you a lot and he will learn to be a little gentler with you during this phase of the pregnancy

Braxton hicks contractions (the little fake contractions you get during the third trimester, closer to the due date) will send him into panic mode.

But he is also so organized that he is R E A D Y

You clutch your stomach and inhale sharply and sit down, he’s already running to get the hospital bag and getting the keys for the car.

(The hospital bag includes, diapers, baby clothes, blankets, stress balls for you to squeeze during contractions and a birth mix which includes mostly Baroque composers but theres a few taylor swift and harry styles songs because he thinks it would be cool if the baby was born to Adore You, because Iida adores you and that baby so much)

Tamaki:

He is terrified

But ultimately knowing that he has a child on the way actually does wonders for his confidence because he wants his child to have a good example and he doesn’t want the child to inherit his crippling shyness

He really is there for you and much like Shoto, shows it in a soft way

Tamaki is so food oriented already that he is especially considerate of your cravings and would probably try them, no matter how weird they are

Pregnancy makes you super hungry but thats okay because Tamaki is a brilliant cook

Tamaki is also very sensitive to the knowledge that it will change after the baby is born and that he has you all to himself for just a little while longer

He is going to take you on special weekend trips, like a sleepy beach town to just relax and eat good food

He will also take you on extra dates because he just wants to soak up your time together as a couple

He is very aware of how much work you’re doing constantly to carry his child and he will want to spoil you

“Y-you’re just so beautiful, a-and you chose me, and now you’re carrying my child...I just... I love you so much and thank you for letting me be yours b-because you make me so happy.”

He will freak out when he sees the birthing tape

“I-I am so sorry, I can’t believe I’ve put you through this... you’re- you- This is all my fault...” *panic panic panic*

But when you’re actually in labour he is very supportive, he will just apologize while you’re screaming in agony and wish there was something else he could do other than bring you ice chips...

#bnha #mha #mha hcs #bnha hcs #tamaki #iida #deku #midoriya #izuku #katsuki #bakugo #todoroki #mirio #shoto #amajiki #togota

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greenninjagal-blog · 4 years

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Sentence starters: 14, with Roman & Deceit??

Haha, long time, no write! We’re having a pretty poor time right now so I figured a little bit of Roceit would be in Order! Warning: I did not edit this in the slightest.

Summary: Roman has always been a little curious, but the pastry chef definitely takes the cake on this one.

Words: 3007

Quick Taglist: @chelsvans @dwbh888 @glitchybina @faithfulcat111 @felicianoromano @harrypotternerdprincess @holliberries @jemthebookworm @killerfangirl3 @musical-nerd18 @never-end1ng-suffering @nonasficcollection @silverflame-wc @stricken-with-clairvoyancy @the-sunshine-dims @themagicheartmailman @themultishipperchild @thenaiads @treasureofpriam @vianadraws

Read on Ao3 || My General Writing List || Prompt Page (it should also be stated that you don’t need to pick from this prompt page if you don’t want to. Just send me an idea and I’ll do my best :D)

The Point of This is....

“Here, Bite Down on this.”

Roman has had a lot of weird first meetings. As a kid he liked to wander around the town meeting knew people, which, of course, drove his mother up a wall the first ninety or so times that she had glanced away from him for a second and he had disappeared completely on her. Roman was just a curious type of kid. The first time he had been confused by a couple of workers who were fixing an outlet behind one of the counters at his mothers favorite little shop, and he had just wanted to know what they were doing.

They had told him! Which had been cool. Did you know there were wires all in the walls?! He hadn’t even realized that his mom had been frantically looking for him until she had grabbed his arm in a frantic panic and asked if he was alright, and then don’t you dare wander off again! What if something had happened?! Roman!

It had happened again anyway, the store clerk had been redressing a mannequin and it had been neat! Then window cleaner, then flower arranger from the flower shop, then the busker outside the Irish themed pub he wasn’t allowed to be near, then the sign flipper at the street corner who taught him to spin one of the smaller signs--

The point was that by the time Roman hit middle school he knew most of the “little people” by name, and they of course knew his. Roman knew that a lot of them called him by his full name because his mother used to scream it when he went missing,-- Roman Alexander Prince, if you don’t get back here right this instant-- but he learned a lot of cool things!

He could arrange flowers, knew when and where the most dense foot traffic was, knew how to flip signs and draw attention. He could Macgyver his way through most electrical circuits, had the sewers under his town fully mentally mapped out, and knew that if you hit the vending machine behind the laundromat just right, you could get a free snickers bar.

He liked learning knew things. And for the most part? People liked to teach him.

As he got older, he noticed just how heartbreaking that sort of thing was. When he held the ladder steady for the owner of the Mom-and-Pop grocer while the old man replaced the “N” of the sign, the man had casually mentioned that the last person who asked him how he was doing had been a family man who had stopped coming months ago.

Then the more he looked, the more he had seen it: the when he waved to the woman who worked the bakery her whole face had lit up like he had gifted her the world, when he bought the street performer a water they had almost broken down to tears right there on the street, when he had offered the man sitting alone at the park with his head in his hands a chance to pet his dog, the man had called him a “generous kid” and tossed him five dollars before he left considerably happier than he was when he arrived.

The point-- and yes, Roman did have a point-- the point of all of this, was that Roman liked people. He liked learning things, and he liked hearing the stories that people had to share.

He liked telling those stories.

Which would probably explain how he got here: Mindscape, the ever prestigious school for the gifted. Although “gifted” tended to be a relative term. Roman had met a lot more people here, all his age, who eyed him warily like his smile was something to be scared of.

(”It is!” Remus, his twin had cackled from across the table in the dining hall, as if they didn’t have the same exact face.)

Roman and Remus had gotten in together, both on accident: Remus had crafted an application for Roman, sent it in without Roman’s knowledge, and then hacked the School’s Admissions database and marked the application for acceptance.

Things should have gone really bad, because Remus hadn’t known that the School President, Thomas Sanders, checks each and every application and when he noticed an application had skipped most of acceptance process he started digging.

Things should have gone really bad then. Like really bad. Like Remus ends up in jail and Roman has to change his name and move countries, really bad.

Instead Thomas Sanders, had sent them both acceptance letters, and Remus was required to work in the IT department without pay and take all the computer application classes. Somewhere in the middle of that Remus had struck up some sort of deal with the cyber defense team where the Mindscape’s tech department spent all school year building their best unhackable code, and in the summer Remus got to take anything and everything he learned that year and try to break it.

Remus had been winning for two years now. Roman had seen the grown men reduced to tears the moment that Remus’s hands had started flying over the keyboard.

Again, the point to this-- Roman had been at this boarding school for two years now, barreling his way through the journalism and creative writing classes like they were tissue paper walls. He’s met a lot of people his age, and he’s witnessed a lot of weird quirks about them.

Like how that kid in the library who likes to sleep on top of the bookcases, and Roman had witnessed getting swatted with a broom so many times. He was a gymnast and an acrobat and really freaking flexible-- and he had told Roman to fuck off when he had tried to learn anything more than that.

Or like that artist who ran the yearbook club took pictures of everything. It had been pretty cute the way the puffball had insisted on taking pictures of the cracks on the side walk, the clouds in the sky, the rainbow made from the refraction of the light through the glass windows. They had called it “catching little pieces of happiness in everyday!” Which was much sweeter than Roman had been anticipating. “Oops! Sorry gotta go, kiddo!” They had said and then they had been gone taking more pictures before Roman could ask anything about them.

Or like that guy from his Civics class who had gotten way too competitive about the trivia game they had played in class. It wasn’t just trivia though: Roman had learned later that he apparently Logan Ackroyd, the Logan Ackroyd, who had won the American chess tournament for three year in a row now. Any game that Logan touched, reportedly, he won. Chess, Checkers, Othello, Jenga, even Tic-Tac-Toe, and he treated them each like a life or death situation.

The point is of this is everyone had a weird quirk about them.

Roman knew that, knows that.

Heck, even Roman had a weird quirk, which apparently was wandering the school halls after classes. And now that includes being dragged into one of those classrooms by the hoodie of his sweatshirt and then immediately having a fork of something shoved in his mouth.

“VIRGIL!” Another voice squawks, followed by a telltale click of a camera taking a photo, but okay, Roman is a little too busy choking on a fork to take in everything.

There is a hand on his back, and one on his chest, holding him surprisingly steady, while he basically dies-- and man, he did not think that he’d be dying at seventeen years old. Who knew that his mother would be right all those times she insisted that his habit of walking around aimlessly was gonna be the death of him?

There are tears in his eyes by the time he manages an inhale, and someone takes the fork back out of his mouth. The hand on his back is rubbing soothing circles and his lungs flutter weakly, like a butterflies wings.

“Dude,” A voice says boredly. Roman squints up at his attacker-- because yes this was an attack and Roman will forever be scarred by it-- and vaguely recognizes the purple patched up hoodie for the library acrobat. “I said “Bite down on this”, not choke and die on the floor.”

Roman coughs to dislodge the last bit of whatever food just got shoved down his throat.

“Please ignore him,” A smooth voice says, a new voice, and one that sounds exactly like silk on Roman’s ears. “Are you okay?”

The new person, the man who is holding Roman, is, in a word, pretty. Actually, no wait, not pretty; he’s gorgeous. He’s beautiful. He’s Michelangelo’s David come to life, an angel straight from heaven, the God Apollo himself taking a quick break from driving his sun chariot to walk among the mortals--

“Virgil, what did you do!” The breathtaking stranger yelps.

“I didn’t do anything!” The acrobat shoots back, although he looks worried, “I just put the fork in his mouth! Oh shit, dude come on, please don’t tell me you’re allergic to something-- Dee what was in that? I can’t go to jail for killing someone! I just got here!”

There’s another click and a giggle and Roman blinks himself to enough awareness to realize that beside the three of them, there’s also that photography artist and the Logan Ackroyd in the room, also what looks like a cake with three slices cut out of it.

“You aren’t going to jail,” Logan says, although he’s playing on a Nintendo Switch and isn’t paying all that much attention to what’s going on.

“It just a cake,” Dee adds, almost desperately and Roman’s knees really do go weak at that. A pretty man? Using that tone to address Roman? Roman’s surprised he’s still conscious at all. “Are you allergic to eggs? What about Wheat? Milk?”

“Deep breath, kiddos!” The person with the camera suggests, and Roman knows immediately that they are 100% aware that his flushed cheeks and lack of breath are not from an allergy. They take another picture and Roman dies a little more on the inside.

“Please...don’t let... my brother see that,” Roman coughs one more time, “I’m begging.”

The artist just laughs and takes another picture.

“No allergies?” The god beside him says and Roman finds him looking absolutely anywhere but at him.

“No allergies,” Roman confirms, “None at all. It’s all good. And you know I should be--”

“What did you think of it?” The acrobat interrupts. And when Roman just blinks he snaps, “The cake, Princey! Tell Dee that the cake was fine and he can stop banging his head on the table now.”

Roman chances a glance at the man holding him up, and yeah, he could see the faint red marks were he had obviously been hitting his head on something. Unfortunately, said man was also looking at Roman, looking for his answer to the question that was just asked of him and Roman has already forgotten what it was again.

His eyes were different colors, and that totally reminded Roman of that week in the summer when he hung around the ophthalmologist just outside of town. Roman had looked at a lot of eyes, learned a lot about eyes in that time, but really there was something different about those ones. One was a brilliant bright brown, like hickory and the other was glistening gold. He looked like something straight from a fantasy.

Roman’s fantasy.

“Hey,” The stranger says softly, “Are you okay, darling?”

And that’s the last thing Roman remembers.

Because he fainted.

Because the gorgeous, beautiful, ethereal stranger called him “darling” and Roman’s weak gay heart promptly shut off.

He comes to again, just a few minutes later-- long enough that his head is throbbing and his lungs hurt a bit and mere idea of moving sounds exhausting. He’s comfortable just fine where he is.

On the floor.

With his head in the perfect strangers lap.

“There you are,” The man gives him a nervous smile that makes Roman’s mouth dry out. “Do you remember where you are?”

“Heaven?”

Roman has many regrets in his life. Like that time he thought that crawling down the manhole would be fun. Or the weekend he spent hanging out in the courthouse, which had turned out to be incredibly boring. Or that time he brought dog treats to the dog park and ended up get ambushed by like seven dogs at once and broke his arm.

But this....answering that, and immediately hearing that all too familiar cackle that can only belong to Remus? Yeah Roman rates that at the top of Roman’s Regrets.

The stranger bites his lip but he’s grinning all the same. “Apologies. When you fainted we, called the emergency contact on your phone.”

“Remus is not my emergency contact,” Roman grumbles and weakly shuffles his limbs to sit up.

Remus wheezes, from where he’s situated with an arm over the artist and the acrobat respectively. “Like-- Hell! I changed that months ago!” Remus grins, “I wasn’t gonna miss a chance to laugh at you while you get carted away in an ambulance! You only die once Ro! I wanna be there for it!”

“I should have consumed you in the womb.”

“Butcha didn’t!”

“The intention was there.” Roman sways, and he really doesn’t like the way the floor shifts like waves of an ocean.

“Pussy,” Remus tosses out, just for the sake of having the last word. He pulls his arms back from around the other two and fusses with the little artist’s hair. “Alright, brats! That’s my cue to drag my dumbass gay twin away before he faints again. But this was fun! Lets do it again! This time Dee can even let Roman actually fall and crack his head on the floor instead of catching him!”

Roman’s ears burn, and he peeks at Dee with a morbid mortification, “You caught me?”

“Well I was already, holding you up so it wasn’t as much as caught you as you...ah,” there’s a twitch of his lips, “as you fell for me.”

The noise Roman makes is not in any way, shape, or form flattering.

Remus cackles again.

There’s a click and a giggle, “Sorry kiddo! That was just too good to pass up!” The artist bounces slightly. “You both should definitely come back though! We’d love to have the company!”

“No, we wouldn’t,” the acrobat interjects, and lets out a heavy breath when he’s elbowed by his friend.

“Yes, we would!” The artist says. “And next time you can even have some of Dee’s pastries!”

“That’s not necessary,” The stranger says quickly, “They aren’t that good--”

“Will you stop lying!” the acrobat says, “You literally got into this prestigious ass school for your pastries, dumbass. They’re good. Accept it already! Geez!”

The stranger rubs his neck and then his cheek, before turning back to Roman. “Perhaps you can be the judge of that then? Darling?”

Yeah, Roman’s knees are weak again, but he’s stubborn enough that he keeps standing. “I think I’d like that. Although, I can’t say I’m any kind of pastry expert.”

“We all have our faults, I presume.”

Roman’s heart beats a little faster. “And admittedly I will be a little bit bias.”

“A little bit?”

“Only a smidge,” Roman reports, “I’ve heard that good company can affect the taste of food.”

“You intend to be in good company?”

“If it’s yours I’m sure it will be.”

“Who knew there was a smooth talker under that blush of yours?”

“If you think this was smooth you should see--

Remus claps his hands loudly enough to make the acrobat flinch and Logan in the corner curse in Korean. “Okay yes we get it: You both are gayyyyyy!” Remus exclaims, drawing it out just enough that Roman feels a bit of the Cain Instinct(tm) in him rise up. “But if neither of you are going to start undressing to give the rest of us a show, then we need to go!”

“Remus!”

“I’m just saying!” Remus shrugs and then hooks an arm around Roman’s neck and pulls him towards the door, “Its not fair to the rest of us, if you keep being a tease!”

“I hope you step on a lego and fall into a pit of sharks.”

Remus messes with his hair, which seems to be his thing right now.

The others in the room call out their goodbyes, and Remus drags Roman away before he can get more than a sloppy wave. Its still embarrassing.

Actually everything that happened was embarrassing, from top to bottom, and there was absolutely no moment were it wasn’t completely mortifying. Not only did he choke on a piece of cake he didn’t even get to taste, but he gay panicked, and then gay fainted, and every second of it was recorded via camera snapshots. And late at night, when Roman is turning it over in his head and screaming into a pillow, he barely notices his phone flashing.

He’s already miserable, because they probably just invited him back to be nice, and he didn’t even know their names. And Remus was still laughing at him for everything, and everything just really sucked. He opens up his phone to check the message, ignoring the way the his screen burns his eyes.

There’s a text message.

An actual text message.

Stole your number hope you dont mind

Roman can’t breath. The phone in his hand vibrates again.

Oh and your heart. I stole that too. this is a ransom demand.

$40,000 in cash. Or a date to the coffee shop in town.

pls?

this is Dee Ekans btw

The baker?

oh fuck pls tell me this is the right number

roman?

And Roman rolls over and presses his face into a pillow and screams.

But really the point of all this is that Roman got the number of the cute guy. And maybe a date.

#roceit #roman sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #Boarding School Au?#I guess it is #Look I just started writing and went with it #gay panic #gay fainting #there is nothing more gay than Roman

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sanstropfremir · 3 years

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please let me join the dance conversation since it's the form of art i am actually the most interested in. i've been dancing as a kid for 6 years, and i don't mean to say that that gave me any type of authority in the domain, but it did leave me with the slight ability to recognize a good performance (or whatever makes a good performance to me, personally) and a great appreciation for valueing dancing as acting, like you said. too often i've seen dance ranking videos from actual life-long dancers who value technical skill above anything else. even if they take into consideration the facial expressions, it doesn't hold much weight and that always lowkey pissed me off. because when i am watching a performance, i care way more about the emotional delivery rather than the technical one. of course, this is not to disregard skill, because emotion without skill just ends up messy. good enough to appreciate as a form of authentic self-expression, but still messy, and mess won't make you a good dancer.

i've really enjoyed seeing you say dancing and acting have a mutual component since i've always felt that way too but never knew how to put it in words. two groups that come in mind when thinking about this are blackpink and itzy, i have no idea how familiar you are with them so i'm sorry if the following come across as foreign to you. but i gotta say, regarding bp, i think there's always been discourse over lisa vs rose as the best dancer. technically, everybody knows lisa is miles ahead, and i have to say she has decent stage presence and some pretty nice facial expressions too (taking into consideration how limited bp's concepts have been so far). rose, on the other hand, has a certain style that appeals to a specific audience (which i am not a part of, her lack of body control is so irritating sometimes) but i can see why some would find her charming. i would say her stage presence is decent too, but i can't help but choose lisa over her, and not just because i'm biased. but because in order to be a true dancer, you need the right balance between technique and emotion that gives your performance that star-value and appeal. and let's be real, kpop is really lacking in that "true dancer" department.

another dancing discourse that goes on is in the itzy fandom, where fans are pitting yeji and chaeryeong against each other. their techniques are quite different but they are each very good in their respective style. now, i've seen people call yeji the better "idol dancer" since she has better developed facial expressions, and chaeryeong the better "overall dancer" since people value her technique more. and i'm just like, no. emotion makes or breaks a dancer. everyone can learn technique, but emotion is hard to fake, and when you do, the non-authenticity is very much obvious.

that's why i love san as a dancer. he might not be the most technically skilled, but he is skilled enough to hold his own. and his way of living in the performance, of just letting every feel of the song wash over him and show the audience 110% and more - nothing compares to that, no amount of technicality. stage presence is something you just have, and no matter how much you train for it, you will pale in comparison to a natural.

wow, this is really long so thank you if you take the time to read it all and respond. english is not my first language and sometimes i'm having trouble finding the right words to get my point across exactly how i think of it in my mind, so i hope the message is delivered accurately, haha :D also, i must add i love the way you talk, your speech has a flow and a uniqueness to it you don't find everyday. and we love a developed vocabulary<3 may i ask how old you are?

thank you for the compliment, thats very sweet of you! english is my native language and i have spent just as much time, if not longer doing academics as i have doing performance work so at this point ive developed a very specific style. there’s a joke that theatre design is 90% communication and only 10% design, and it’s not wrong. it helps that i like to talk and my brain works very fast sometimes.

im glad you took the time to write this out! and don't apologize for your english, it's excellent and very clear. you are correct i know very little about blackpink and itzy but i would likely agree with you, dance is equal parts emotion and technique and that is my preference in idols as well. but i don’t think that the kpop industry needs to have ‘true’ dancers, though. yes it is fun to watch those who are technically and charismatically gifted in dance, it is only a portion of the experience that they market. also i think we lose a bit of objectivity in kpop because all idols are required to dance, but i dont think ive seen one recently that's a legitimately bad dancer. even the ‘worst’ dancers that i can think of are still leagues better than the average person on the street, but we see them as ‘bad’ because they work directly alongside peers who are legitimately gifted and have a passion for dance as a form.

it's interesting to hear you say that everyone can learn technique but emotion is hard to fake, because i hear a lot of dancers say that. i think this comes from a misunderstanding of what exactly acting is and how it works. i would argue that a statement closer to the sentiment that you (and many others) are trying to get is ‘not everyone can do both at the same time.’ the average person is no more predisposed to acting then they are to dance, because acting is a skill that can be taught and exercised in the same way dance can. sure, there are people that have a higher latent ability, but if you put in the work, you can learn. why do you think there are acting classes and schools and conservatories? you can get a doctorate in acting if you really want to. the thing about acting is that in order to be good at it, you have to both understand and be able to implement the correct postures for mimicking human emotion. this is an insanely complex task when you get down to the brass tacks of it. just think about your face and body posture for a moment. why are you sitting/standing in that particular way? why is your face in that particular expression? what do you think your posture is saying to someone who is observing you? how would you change it if you wanted the person to start a conversation with you? if you wanted them to leave you alone?

there’s also a general assumption that acting comes from a place of genuine or authentic emotion, and this is the fault of modern ‘method’ film acting. i have a very long thesis about how much i hate method acting and i can make a separate post about that if people are curious. but suffice to say, acting very rarely comes from a ‘genuine’ place. it may be informed from a genuine place, but by nature it is not real. thats what makes it acting. and i think dancers seem to be under the impression that showing emotion while dancing has to come from the dancer personally feeling those emotions, when thats not the case at all. this criminal fancam is a perfect example of exactly how good taemin is at putting on a character for a performance. you can very clearly see him drop character after the main camera cuts, and pretty much any concert footage shows this as well.

now, being able to do both a complex system of physical movements with your body and also control the minute details and timing in your facial muscles and posture? thats pretty fuckin hard. not a lot of people can do that, it takes just as much practice as learning technique does, just not in the way that people might think. but it is possible.

#jaehyuntrack #kpop questions #oh and also im 25 #it says in my bio lol #i have SO MANY opinions on authenticity in art and performance i could literally go on for hours #im of the opinion that no art is truly authentic because if it was it would never reach an audience #this is a NUCLEAR grade hot take in contemporary art school trust me i have been in so many arguments at the pub about this #anyways if people want to hear more about that then let me know i guess #holy fucking shit i write so much i hope that the people reading these actually find this interesting #im assuming that people are reading these; i do not blame you if you do not #this is very long #and full of me dumping my opinions everywhere #im not gonna tag this as kingdom because its not really about that but maybe i should make like a general kpop opinions tag or something #for people to blacklist so they dont have to see my text walls #thats a later problem #kpop analysis #text #kingdom asks

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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years

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‘(Forgive Me) My Little Flower Princess’ was written during John Lennon’s stay in Bermuda, from June to July 1980, and recorded upon his return to the studio, on 14 August 1980. It wouldn’t be heard by the general public until 23 January 1984, on the posthumous album Milk And Honey.

The lyrics go as follows:

Forgive me, my little flower princess For crushing your delicateness Forgive me, if you could forgive me

Forgive me, my little flower princess For selfishness Forgive me, forgive me

Well, I know there is no way to repay you Whatever it takes I will try to The rest of my life I will thank you Thank you, thank you, my little

If you’ll forgive me, my little flower princess Never too late unless you can’t forgive

Time is on our side Let’s not waste another minute ‘Cause I love you, my little friend I really love you

Give me just one more chance And I’ll show you Take up the dance where we left off The rest of our life is the, my little

I’m home

Overall, the song seems to strike the same apologetic tone previously expressed in ‘Jealous Guy’ (1971) and ‘I Know (I Know)’ (1973).

I didn’t mean to hurt you I’m sorry that I made you cry Oh no, I didn’t want to hurt you I’m just a jealous guy

— ‘Jealous Guy’ (1971)

I know what’s coming down and I know where it’s coming from and I know and I’m sorry (yes I am) but I never could speak my mind

— ‘I Know (I Know)’ (1973)

“The rest of my life I will thank you” gives a sense of gratitude for the other’s love and presence in his life, further explored in ‘Now And Then’ (1978).

I know it’s true, it’s all because of you And if I make it through, it’s all because of you And now and then, if we must start again Well we will know for sure, that I love you

— ‘Now And Then’ (1978)

“Take up the dance where we left off” shows hope in a reconciliation that they have “the rest of our life” to experience, as found in ‘(Just Like) Starting Over’ (1980) and ‘Grow Old Along With Me’ (1980).

It’s been too long since we took the time No-one’s to blame, I know time flies so quickly But when I see you darling It’s like we both are falling in love again It’ll be just like starting over, starting over

— ‘(Just Like) Starting Over’ (1980)

Grow old along with me The best is yet to be When our time has come We will be as one God bless our love

— ‘Grow Old Along With Me’ (1980)

Nevertheless, this feeling that “time is on our side” doesn’t take from the urgency to get together and “not waste another minute”, similarly dealt with in ‘Borrowed Time’ (1980) and ‘(Just Like) Starting Over’ (1980).

Now I am older ah, hah The future is brighter and now is the hour

— ‘Borrowed Time’ (1980)

It’s time to spread our wings and fly Don’t let another day go by my love

— ‘(Just Like) Starting Over’ (1980)

Regarding the endearments used during the song, we find the classical ‘little friend’, famously used by aunt Mimi in reference to Paul. (It is also worth noting that, tongue-in-cheek or not, in French ‘petit-ami’ means boyfriend).

Also, the song is called ‘My Little Flower Princess’. It is known that Yoko Ono has reported hearing Paul being called ‘John’s princess’ around Apple.

But it’s John’s thing with flowers as a metaphor for love that fascinates me the most.

Forgive me, my little flower princess For crushing your delicateness

…

Forgive me, my little flower princess For selfishness

John, after some introspection, has reached the conclusion that his relationship with Paul was destroyed by “inattention or inadvertence of selfishness”. He seemed self-aware enough to realise that his half of the “blame” was a problematic possessiveness:

Q: Do you think that a new attitude towards love and relationships – would it be fair to say we’re getting away from the property concept of relationships? John: Of owning the other person? I think – yeah, we could be. But uh… That’s all very well intellectually, but when you actually are in love with somebody, you tend to be jealous and want to own them, possess them a hundred per cent. Which I do. Yoko: Yes, it’s real life, all that. And I do it too. John: But intellectually, before that, I thought – right. I mean, owning a person is rubbish, but. I love Yoko, I want to possess her completely; I don’t want to stifle her, you know? [Yoko laughs] And that’s the danger, it’s that you want to possess them to death. But… that’s a personal problem of mine. Yoko: But we’re doing alright now – just very nice, you know. In other words, I think— John: It’s after the beginning, when it cools down a bit – not cools down, whatever, it st– uh, whatever the word is, you know – that you can allow each other to breathe. Yoko: Yes. When you relax a bit, you know. John: But at first you tend to strangle each other, I think. Yoko: And [inaudible] we’re starting to relax— John: And because you have so little as a child, I think it is, you – when once you find it, you want to hang onto it, you grab it so much you tend to kill it.

— John Lennon and Yoko Ono, Women’s Hour Interview for BBC Radio 2. (28 May 1971)

John even goes as far as to recognise that him not feeling loved enough as a child by his parents, was the original cause of all his insecurities and franticness. So desperate was he for love, that he ended up “crushing its delicateness”.

A decade later, we get another glimpse into his matured perception of the nature of love:

Q: As Tom Robbins half-facetiously asks in his most recent book, “How do you make love stay?”

John: Trying to possess it makes it go away. Trying to possess somebody makes them go away. Every time you put your finger on it, it slips away. Every time you turn the microscope’s light on, the thing changes so you can never see what it is. As soon as you ask the question, it goes away. Peripheral vision is what it is. There’s no looking directly at it. Try to look at the sun. You go blind, right? Now that doesn’t mean you don’t have to work on it. Love is a flower and you have to water it.

— John Lennon and Yoko Ono, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

John suggests that not only being possessive of the person you’re in love with “makes them go away”, but that the love itself is subject to some weird kind of observer effect, in which the mere act of trying to understand the relationship alters it — “As soon as you ask the question, it goes away.” (And this specific example is, in my opinion, another crucial clue about what went down.)

This philosophy that love is ruined by conscious interference and the specific choice in words — Love is like a flower — seem to have been heavily inspired by the D. H. Lawrence poem ‘Mess Of Love’. (Note that D. H. Lawrence has been referred to in the Beatles presence).

We’ve made a great mess of love Since we made an ideal of it. The moment I swear to love a woman, a certain woman, all my life That moment I begin to hate her.

The moment I even say to a woman: I love you! — My love dies down considerably.

The moment love is an understood thing between us, we are sure of it, It’s a cold egg, it isn’t love any more.

Love is like a flower, it must flower and fade; If it doesn’t fade, it is not a flower, It’s either an artificial rag blossom, or an immortelle, for the cemetery.

The moment the mind interferes with love, or the will fixes on it, Or the personality assumes it as an attribute, or the ego takes possession of it, It is not love any more, it’s just a mess. And we’ve made a great mess of love, mind-perverted, will-perverted, ego-perverted love.

But while Lawrence urges us to accept the fleetingness of love (going as far as to say that it’s its own ephemerous, untouched and undefinable nature that gives it meaning), John clearly wants to strike a compromise. Because while he admits he was probably crushing this delicate flower by “wanting to possess it to death”, you still have to water it, Paul!

In fact, John’s first known comparison to love being like a flower reflected more his unmet expectations than his own role in the end of the relationship.

Love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard, or just think it’s gonna get on with itself. You gotta keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it, and be careful of it, and keep the flies off and see that it’s alright, and nurture it.

— John Lennon, 'Man of the Decade’ Interview (2 December 1969).

John was clearly feeling neglected, hurt by the “kind of insensitivity [Paul] would have”. And his own desperate need to acknowledge the love and have it validated — coupled with Paul being “scared to say ‘I love you’” — escalated into a vicious “mind game” where John was ready to do absolutely anything to get Paul’s attention or some sign that he cared, including destroying the Beatles.

It seems fitting then, that around the same time, an emotionally exhausted Paul was marvelling at the self-reliant and giving nature of the new plants in his life:

When we are in Scotland we plant stuff – vegetables – and we’ll leave them there, and of their own volition they will push up. And not only will they push up and grow into something, but then they will be good to eat. To me that’s an all-time thing. That’s fantastic. How clever! Just that things push their own way up and they feed you.

— Paul McCartney, interviewed for Life Magazine (16 April 1971).

I like to think that by 1980, at the time this song was written, they had matured enough to “work it out”.

John knew he couldn’t be possessive to the point of crushing the flower, or selfish enough not to realise that he also has to water. With his more self-assured persona, he would probably learn to recognise and accept Paul’s Acts of Service for the love expression that they were, and eventually even help Paul himself overcome his own insecurities regarding saying Words of Affirmation outside the plausible deniability of songs.

Unfortunately, despite their beliefs, time was not on their side.

But like Yoko said:

Once you know somebody, you can never unknow that person. And knowing is loving. So you can never get out of love. There might be misunderstandings and separating for other reasons, but love is always there. Staying together is just one form of love. Maybe that’s a strong love and expression of love. But love is a soul thing. It always stays there.

— Yoko Ono, interview w/ David Sheff for Playboy. (September, 1980)

John himself had said it to Paul some years prior:

Bless you wherever you are

Windswept child on a shootin’ star

Restless spirits depart Still we’re deep in each other’s hearts

…

Bless you whoever you are Holding her now, be warm and kind hearted

And remember although love is strange Now and forever our love will remain

— ‘Bless You’ (1974)

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pug-bitch · 5 years

Text

That’s not why I’m going (9)

A freaking lock

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive, two VERY steamy scenes! One of them is like a 60-diamond scene :D This is NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: 4,050 (let me know if the ‘keep reading’ cutoff isn’t working well!)

Notes: This picks up on the next day, with Amara’s POV, as she’s getting ready to head to Lythikos.

*****

‘Amara, you look great! What do you say?’

She looks in the mirror, glances at the winter outfit she’s trying on. It’s weird to be dressed up for cold weather again, after living in this mediterranean climate for a couple of weeks.

‘I’ll take it!’

Maxwell excitedly raises his hands in the air. ‘Yay! I love this on you. Alright, we gotta go, if you wanna have enough time to finish packing.’

‘How long do I have?’

He looks at his watch. ‘Hm. I’d like you to be out front in like an hour. Is that doable?’

‘Oh, of course.’ She heads back into the changing room. In the unflattering light, her reflection is not that kind to her. The dark circles around her eyes betray the very little sleep she got last night. Not on purpose, but she didn’t want to say no to Hana and Maxwell who had been so eager to go out for dinner and drinks after the one on one dates and the afternoon tea with Queen Regina. Just like Amara, Hana was less than enthused after her date with Liam, and the two women exchanged some charged glances during their night out, but could not truly discuss anything in presence of Maxwell, who was trying so hard.

After their night out, Amara had snuck back into Drake’s room to sleep next to him, which by now, felt like her new normal, and the only stability she’d had in a while. Just knowing he was lying there next to her was enough to make her feel safe and reassured.

She had to sneak out early enough for Maxwell not to notice she was gone, and given his propension for getting up earlier than anyone else in the world, it had to be before dawn.

So, dark circles it is. Completely worth it.

‘Alright Max, I’ll see you within an hour.’

‘Sounds great, and if you need a hand with your suitcase, text me.’

She brought her newest purchase in her room and closed her suitcase. After putting on her makeup, she still had enough time ahead of her to send an email to her dad and stepmom. It had been a few days since she last updated her dad and she felt terrible about it, especially since she was pretty sure Michael had alarmed everybody back home and told them she was off the rails.

She finalized her suitcase before heading downstairs. After careful consideration, she took some of the condoms she had bought with her. She made sure they were hidden in a small compartment of her toiletry bag, to avoid prying eyes. Boom, ready.

*****

Drake had put together his usual duffle bag, but caught himself paying more attention than usual to what he was bringing. When going on trips with Liam and Maxwell, he typically didn’t bring enough shirts and ended up wearing the same one, and he routinely forgot to pack a comb or even toothpaste, that he had to borrow from Maxwell. Not this time. He had taken everything from his bathroom, and he had woken up at the same time as Amara so he could have ample time to shower, pack, and manscape. Which he hadn’t done for an embarrassingly long time. He hadn’t forgotten anything, especially not the condoms he had recently bought. After all, Liv had promised him some freedom to see Amara, so...he didn’t want to be presumptuous, but better safe than sorry.

As he walks out to the hallway, he spots Amara doing exactly the same thing. When she sees him, a huge smile runs across her face.

‘Fancy seeing you here, Walker!’

‘Hey Suarez.’ He lowers his voice. ‘You look beautiful.’

She quickly looks around to make sure no one can see them, then hurries towards him to plant a big kiss on his lips. ‘You look handsome. I wish we could travel together…’

He smiles at her. ‘We are traveling together. Liv arranged for us to be in the same towncar as Max and Hana. It will be the four of us.’

Her face lights up. ‘What? That’s awesome! When were you gonna tell me?’

‘There’s a lot I didn’t have time to tell you. Mostly because I was sleeping like a log when you came in, but I’ll fill you in via text when we’re in the car, ok?’

She nods and kisses him again. A jolt of something rushes through his veins. Adrenalin? Desire? Probably both. In any case, it feels good.

‘I’ll help you carry your suitcase.’

‘No, I got it. It looks like you have your hands full with yours…’ she gestures at his very full duffle.

‘Yeah, I may have gotten out of control with the packing. I don’t know what’s happening to me.’

Amara grins playfully. ‘Did you happen to bring…’ she feigns a gasp. ‘a non-denim shirt?’

He chuckles. ‘You’ll have to wait and see, Suarez.’

‘Well,’ she continues, ‘I’d rather see you without a shirt on, if you catch my drift.’

‘Was that a drift? It was more like, an overt flirtation.’

She turns around and schleps her suitcase towards the stairway. ‘Yup.’

*****

Amara and Drake had plotted to sit next to each other in the towncar, leaving Hana and Max on the row in front of them, unsuspicious. Those two enjoyed each other’s company, so there was nothing to complain about.

For the whole drive, Drake had filled Amara in on Olivia’s schemes via text, and they had both been sneaking looks and touches and secret hand holding, like horny teenagers who just had to touch each other, no matter who’s in the room with them. It felt good and sexy and illicit, and Amara found herself craving for more. She was just hoping she’d have the patience to interact with Liam and his princely demeanor, when all she wanted to do was sneak away with his best friend.

Lythikos was gorgeous, it had all the fierceness of Olivia, and Amara could tell why she loved her home so much. Her staff was just as unfriendly as she was, and a very curt butler took Amara to her room, swiftly followed by Drake. She was delighted to see that their rooms were once again adjacent, but this time at the end of a long corridor, away from prying eyes. She thanked the butler promptly and took possession of what would be her room for two nights.

‘Oh!’ she gasps.

Drake, visibly concerned, rushes to her side. ‘What? Are you ok?’

She beams with joy. ‘I have a freaking LOCK, Drake! This is awesome!’

He laughs, ‘Heh. You’re easily pleased.’

She raises an eyebrow, and adds suggestively, ‘We shall see.’

Drake walks towards her, closes the door behind him, and slowly turns the lock. ‘How bout now?’

She playfully pretends to faint, clutching her chest. ‘Oh, that is too good.’

He approaches her fast, wrapping his arms around her. ‘We only have very limited time, y’know. We’re expected downstairs for a snack and outdoors activities.’

She pouts. ‘I know. Let’s enjoy the little time we have, but tonight…’

He kisses her deeply. She falls into the kiss, and feels like she might melt. His fingers get lost in her dark curls, as her arms cling to his waist, bringing him closer. They lose their balance together, and fall onto the king size bed. She straddles Drake, still kissing him as she works on unbuttoning his shirt. God, she wishes she could just undress him now and forget about all the others, so she tries to forget for a second. His shirt is now wide open, and her hands caress his torso, going lower and lower. He grunts as she slides a hand inside his pants, and finds his hard cock. She grabs it and strokes it slowly, making him moan with each movement. ‘Fuck, Amara, you’re making me so hard…’

In turn, he unbuttons her jeans, and his hand gently pulls her underwear aside. ‘Mmmm,’ she moans into his ear. His finger circles her pussy lips, and tease her more and more. ‘God, you’re so wet,’ he whispers, almost inaudibly. She wants him so badly it’s not even funny. She wants him inside her now, just fuck the rest, and fuck her please and thank you.

‘DINGGGGGG’

An extremely loud bell sound startles them both.

‘Shit,’ Amara whispers, covering her ears. ‘What the hell is this?’

‘Ugh, I bet you it’s the signal that everyone is wanted downstairs. Things are hardcore here in Lythikos.’

Amara feels like she’s going to cry. No, not right now. Not when Drake’s hand is in her panties, no. ‘Come on,’ she says, disheartened.

They part ways with a kiss, and reluctantly put their clothes back on. She almost misses Maxwell’s interruptions, at least they’re more civilized than this atrocious sound.

As everyone reconvenes downstairs, Olivia announces that some outdoors activities are about to commence, after some light snacks. She mentions ice skating, which Amara is actually grateful for. Not that she can skate very gracefully, but she can skate ok. She mentally thanks her dad for making them take skating lessons because he loved the Flyers so much. When she moved to New York for college, she would always keep an eye out for hockey games and buy her dad and herself some tickets when the Philadelphia team played the Rangers. She smiles at the sweet memories of her father cheering huge toothless men on.

Skiing, she wasn’t a fan of, she had had a bad fall when she was little, but hey, the concentration it required would at the very least keep her mind off Drake Walker’s erect penis.

*****

‘Dis-moi Amara, where did you learn to skate so well? C’est impressionnant!’

She smiles at Kiara, and gently replies: ‘Oh thanks, my dad liked hockey so I had skating lessons growing up. But my skills are nothing compared to Hana’s, really. You’re truly amazing, hun, that was awesome.’

Hana blushes and dismisses the compliment, as usual. Amara wonders why and how that woman can do anything and everything. And yet, she didn’t really seem to draw any happiness from all those skills she accumulated. Pushy parents, from what she’d gathered, but still, Amara made a mental note to find out more and to incite her to talk to her.

They’d skated and skied for a big chunk of the afternoon, and everyone was happily gulping down some mulled wine and warm nuts around the fire on the patio.

Kiara looks at Madeleine, which Amara notes as odd, and continues talking. ‘Oui, très bien, Hana. You know who else is a great skater? Ou plutôt, WAS a great skater? Savannah Walker!’

Amara’s eyes dart towards Drake, whose face is suddenly drained of any color.

Liam attempts a diversion, obviously aware that this is a dangerous topic. ‘You’re not bad either, Lady Kiara. Have you skated much in France? Or maybe in Switzerland, there are wonderful lakes there.’

Kiara pauses, and after another glance at Madeleine, reiterates. ‘Oui, j’aime beaucoup. But I am definitely not as good at it as Savannah was, truly, she was amazing. Shame she couldn’t handle life at court, or else she could have joined us today, n’est-ce pas, Drake?’

Drake takes a sip of his mulled wine and replies ‘Let’s please change the subject.’

Madeleine flashes an icy smile and breaks her silence. ‘You have to admit, Drake, that her departure lacked a certain poise. It’s almost as if she had something to hide. A shameful secret, or simply, the shame of her rank, perhaps? But after all, what would you expect from people who bring nothing to the table? Or, as one would say, freeloaders?’

Drake doesn’t say anything back, puts his mug on the table, gets up and leaves.

Amara, dumbfounded, cannot begin to contain her disgust towards the two ladies’ attitude. ‘Do you think this brought anything to the table? Besides rudeness and entitled behaviors?’

She gets up as well, and zips up her jacket, ready to go after Drake.

‘Suarez, sit down,’ Olivia calmly says. ‘Don’t walk away, some heavy snow is coming and you can’t handle it.’

Amara scoffs, and puts on her knit hat.

‘Truly, Lady Amara,’ says Liam, ‘I don’t believe you should go after him. He’ll come to his senses.’

Amara’s eyes go wide. ‘Are you all serious? Are we just going to ignore how rude that was of Madeleine and Kiara, and just act like nothing happened?’

The confused looks on most people’s faces confirm that yes, indeed, that was the plan.

Olivia speaks up. ‘Suarez is right, that was out of line, ladies. Was Savannah a little weakling who couldn’t handle not being noble? Absolutely. But she left, and some of you were supposed to be her friends. It’s a little easy to bitch about her behind her back now.’ She stares at Amara, nodding. ‘That being said, Walker truly needs to learn how to communicate. Storming out is a tad dramatic.’

Madeleine whispers into her drink, ‘Giving up runs in the family.’

Amara puts on her scarf, and just says: ‘You may not feel compelled to go after him, but I do. He didn’t deserve this treatment. I’ll see all of you later.’

*****

Drake feels stupid for storming out, especially since now, the snow is picking up, and he can’t go back to the group without looking like an idiot.

He didn’t blame the others --Liam, Maxwell, even Liv-- for not standing up for him. For way too long, he had presented himself as a man who didn’t take charity, and yet his entire life was a fucking charity. He was probably a freeloader, after all. All he did for Liam in return was take care of the stables, help with fundraisers, and build stuff. What was he, Ryan Gosling in The Notebook? He had a business degree and had never done anything with it. On some level, his defense mechanisms, his silence, his hasty exits, they were all a cover-up, so that people thought he had pride. But really--

‘Drake!’

He turns around, and his heart skips a beat. She followed him out.

‘Drake, stop! Wait for me!’

He stops in his tracks and meets her halfway, scooping her up in his arms into a warm hug.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left, now you’re gonna catch a cold, and--’

‘Shut up, ok? They were both out of line, they had no right to talk about Savannah. I promise you we’ll find her, ok? We’ll make this right.’

‘Thank you. I just...I think Madeleine might be right. Maybe leaving court was the right move for Savannah, because this is toxic, especially when you don’t belong.’

Amara takes his face in her hands, forcing him to look her in the eye. ‘Stop. She’s wrong. You are not a freeloader. If anything, Liam is holding you back, and he’s the one who owes you.’

He doesn’t know what to say to that. No one had ever looked at things this way.

She continues. ‘It’s convenient for him to have you here, you are his wingman and you do what he can’t do. It makes you believe that you owe him, when really, it might just be the other way around. His friendship is preventing you from living your life.’

God, what if she was right? When it came to her, Liam was definitely the obstacle to his happiness. What if she was right about everything else? ‘I do owe him, Amara. When my dad died, he supported me, and after college, he offered me the odd jobs that I needed, and--’

‘What was your dream?’

Well, that was a first. ‘My...dream?’

‘Your dream job. When you were in college, what did you want to do with your life?’

He hesitates, not wanting to tell her, because he’s embarrassed of having such a silly dream.

‘Drake, tell me. Let’s brainstorm. And quickly, before the blizzard gets us.’ She gestures at the sky, and the heaps of snow coming down. She adds: ‘I’m not leaving here until you tell me at least one option. And for the record, I’m starting to not feel my feet already, so hurry.’

‘I’ve always wanted to open a little restaurant. Like...a bar/grill, something casual, but…’

Her face lights up. ‘Well that’s an awesome dream. Now let’s get out of here alive, and let’s think of ideas to make that happen. And we’ll find your sister, and not to say she needs to return to court if she doesn’t want to, but at least we’ll know she’s ok and you guys can be close again.’

*****

Dinner had been somewhat tense. Drake could tell that Liam and Liv were looking at Kiara and Madeleine sternly, as if they had lectured them earlier. Maxwell had avoided his gaze upon his and Amara’s return to the castle. Now they were seated together and Max had attempted to tell him something several times, but had just said ‘nevermind’ on each occasion.

Nevertheless, Drake was feeling good. His conversation with Amara in the snow had been comforting, and they had planned to spend the evening together after dinner, once everyone was ready for some rest.

He couldn’t help but eat fast, wanting to fast-forward to his illicit date with the one person he wanted to spend time with. As he glanced at her throughout the meal, he could notice that she was doing the same, wolfing down her cheese course like it was her job.

Finally, dinner was over. Drake almost cursed out loud when Olivia offered a digestif in the grand salon. Thankfully, Maxwell was exhausted from skiing, and given that he was the OG party boy, his turning down the nightcap set the tone for everyone else, and Olivia agreed to push it back to the next night.

The anticipation was driving Drake crazy. He had made a point to go upstairs first, very hastily, because it would look less suspicious. He had been silent at dinner, and given his prompt exit in the afternoon, no one would be surprised to see him turn in early.

So, he sits in his room, hoping that Amara would come meet him soon. He opens his shirt, but then decides it looks stupid, and closes it again. He brushes his teeth, and practices different ‘casual’ sitting poses on his bed.

When she opens the door, his heart is racing more than ever.

‘Hey,’ she whispered, ‘sorry it took so long. Hana wanted to come upstairs and talk to you, to say how sorry she was for not standing up for you earlier, and I convinced her not to.’

He smiles, not caring anymore. ‘It’s ok. You’re here now.’

She locks the door, making an exaggerated face at the sound of the lock, still marveling at the invention. Then, she comes join him on the bed, and they fall onto each other. The days of longing come undone, and they start kissing deeper than ever, losing themselves in the moment. He tries not to go too fast, he’s determined to take his time and savor this intimacy with her. When she lets out a soft ‘I want you so badly,’ he almost loses it. So does he, he’s wanted her ever since he met her. He thinks back on the way she looked that day on that secret beach. How he had daydreamed about that moment for days on end. How he had fantasized about kissing her, about making love to her on that beach. He feels her body against his, and just wants to feel her closer. He unzips her dress, as she unbuttons his shirt, for the second time today. God, he wants her.

Once all of their clothes are on the floor, there is nothing standing between them, for the first time ever, it’s just them, no interruptions, no schedule.

He caresses every inch of her body, with his hands and with his tongue. He circles the tip of his tongue around her nipples, and she lets out a moan. He can’t get enough of her body, he can’t get enough of her. His tongue continues exploring her, lower and lower, until it finds the spot on her inner thigh, which he teases until her moans indicate that she can no longer wait. His breath is short, he can’t stop nipping at her thighs, and he can’t help but longingly stare at her wet pussy, so inviting, begging him to kiss it. Amara wiggles under his touch, clearly wanting more. He starts with a soft kiss on her pussy lips, just enough to make her shiver. Then, he peeks his tongue between them, and parts them slightly. She pants more and more, and parts of Drake just wants to take her right here right now. But he wants to take his time. Who knows how many nights like this they will have.

*****

Amara wants him so badly that she thinks for a second that she’s going to faint. His tongue on her core is driving her crazy, and as he picks up the pace and finds her clit, her entire body is threatening to give out. She forgets where she is for a moment and, as he is going down on her and his tongue is almost completely inside of her, she allows herself to moan louder and louder.

She feels waves of pleasure coming to her, and as her body contracts, Drake takes all the cues and continues kissing, licking, and sucking even more intensely.

Finally, she feels it. Drake’s mouth still entangled with her, she lets go and groans loudly, feeling every second of her orgasm.

As she regains her spirits, Drake gently pecks her legs, going back up towards her stomach, until he reaches her chest. She feels his erection against her leg, and the feeling drives her crazy once again. ‘Oh my god,’ she whispers, ‘Drake, I want you. Now.’

He looks at her with more desire than she’s ever seen in anyone’s eyes. ‘Mmmm you taste so good...you’re so wet for me’

‘Yes,’ she pants. ‘please, I want you inside me.’

He reaches for his pants on the floor, fishes out a condom, and seamlessly puts it on. God, he’s hard. His fingers find her dripping wet pussy, and he caresses her, all the while kissing her hungrily.

He teases her entrance with his cock, and finally enters her, slowly, progressively. When he’s completely inside her, she gasps. Her walls contract against him, as if her body was not ready to let him go again.

As they make love, his slow and deep movements threaten to send Amara over the edge once again. He groans as he enters her again and again, growing harder and harder by the second.

Amara suddenly takes control and gets on top of him. As she rides him, he clearly loses control even more and repeats ‘Mmmm...this feels so good..’

Amara moves on his cock, until she feels like she is going to lose it herself, once again. Upon feeling her contract more and more, Drake kisses her intently and whispers in her ear ‘come for me’, which sends her over the edge. Amara loses herself in another orgasm, this time a lot louder, as she grabs onto Drake’s chest for balance.

‘Shit, you feel so good...I’m about to come’

It’s not long until Drake orgasms; Amara feels him get harder than ever, and the warm sensation of his pleasure ripples through her whole body.

They lie down, still entangled in each other, still bewildered at what just happened. ‘Wow…’ Amara manages to say.

‘Yes. What you said,’ Drake pants.

They look at each other, laugh softly, and share another kiss.

*****

Maxwell couldn’t believe what he had heard. He had come to see Drake in his room, because he had felt terribly about what had been said that afternoon. He thought about it all through dinner, and decided it was time to give Drake some information.

But before knocking, he realized that some very distinctive sounds were coming from Drake’s room. Of course, when he checked on Amara, she was nowhere to be found. Not hard to put 2 and 2 together.

What the hell was he supposed to do now?

*****

Taglist:

@andy-loves-corgis , @drakewalkerwhipped , @drakxwalker , @drakewalkerrosenberg , @drakeswalkers , @drakelover78 , @silviasutton1989 , @jovialyouthmusic , @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs , @drakewalkerisreal , @nikkis1983 , @simsvetements @alesana45

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

#that's not why i'm going #drake walker x amara suarez #drake walker x mc #drake walker trr #drake x mc #trr drake #drake walker #drake trr #the royal romance #the royal romance fanfic #choices fanfiction #trr choices #choices trr #trr fanfic

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nobodies-png · 5 years

Note

Yay, I'm glad that you're open! May I request what ORG XII members Axel, Demyx, Saix and Marluxia would be like as best friends. Thank you so much!

The askbox is always open so feel free to f l o o d it, lads. Also hell yeAH, WE STAN SOME GOOD PLATONIC LOVE AROUND HERE. I keep getting carried away and writing a shit ton for these asks bUT O H WELL

Saix :

Let’s face it - you’re gonna need a lot of patience and understanding to be Saix’s best friend. The guy is always impassive and cold. From an outsider’s point of view, he treats you just like he treats the rest - so you’re gonna have to read between the lines and spot those subtle clues and hints to realize that he does, in fact, care about you in his own way.

If you were in the Organization with him, he would go a little easier and take your opinions into consideration. His sharp words and strict attitude would still be there, but he’s definitely more lenient with you than with the rest, often overlooking or covering up for your tiny mistakes - HOWEVER, you can expect a harsh scolding if you start slacking off ! Want a day off ? Be paired with someone ? Keep this cute puppy you found ? Sure but you’ll have to e a r n it.

Because of his position in the Organization, he doesn’t exactly have free time to spend with you - which is something he feels somewhat guilty of. Saix works hard day and night so both of you can regain your hearts as fast as possible. You’re the only one (apart from Xemnas) allowed to visit and hang around him while he works, letting you ramble about whatever you want.

If you weren’t in the Organization, Saix would be t o r n between his loyalty to Xemnas and his friendship with you. It’s a neverending battle between mind and heart. He’d push you away in an attempt to protect you, as well as being extra careful to not send any potentially dangerous members of the organization to whatever world you’re in or let anyone know about what ties you two have.

iN A LESS ANGSTY SETTING (without Xenahort fucking up absolutely everything, cough) Saix would be that one friend whose discipline and responsibility just end up rubbing off on you. His critiques and advice might be harsh, but he means well and motivates you to be your best self. Doesn’t tolerate bullshit, but he sure as fuck needs your help to learn how to loosen up and relax. Wouldn’t hesitate to fight a bitch if they look at you the wrong way.

Axel :

Everyone sees him as carefree and laid-back, always doing whatever he wants. But as his best friend, you’re able to see past that - Axel actually worries and overthinks quite a lot. He’s used to people depending on him so he automatically makes himself responsible of your well-being and happiness. You’d have to insist to let him know that you two are equals and that he’s your friend, not your mom. Axel would have a hard time learning how to rely on you, but he’ll slowly come around and open up.

But other than that, once you have his trust, then it’s yours to keep. Axel is a “ride or die” type of person - you can always count on him to have your back. As well as an endless supply of snarky and funny remarks. And ice cream. You bet your ass he’ll bring you sea salt ice cream or other snacks to eat with him at the end of the day.

If you were in the Organization with him, then your friendship would be just like his friendship with Roxas and Xion ! Axel will always side with you if Saix ever gets on your case and, if the perfect moment arrives, he’d definitely tell you all about his life as a somebody. And some spicy info about how Saix used to be too, h o h o h.

Sometimes, his cynism can get the best of him and you’ll hear him go on and on about deep cryptic and phylosophical topics. But hey, that’s a normal thing among Nobodies. In these rare moments of weakness, you just have to reassure him that what matters is the present and he’ll bounce back onto his charismatic self in a heartbeat.

If you weren’t in the Organization, Axel would keep you from getting involved and learning anything about them. As well as everything that he has to do under their orders. His mind would be complete chaos. What would you do if you found out about his lack of heart ? What would Xemnas do if he ever found out about your friendship ? Axel is willing to betray the organization and take a leap of faith. But only if you asked him.

Demyx :

Okay, being Demyx’s best friend wouldn’t be as angsty as being Saix’s or Axel’s best friend. He believes he has a heart despite what the rest tell him, so he’s not as emotionally constipated or in denial as them. You won’t even notice he’s a Nobody unless he tells you. And he WILL, but mostly as a warning. If you decide to risk your safety just to hang out with him, he won’t stop you. You’re your own person, after all.

If you’re not in the Organization, you can expect Demyx to hide from his responsibilities in your world and spending all of his time just goofing around with you. He’d try to teach you some water magic, play the sitar or put on little shows for you and if you’re up for it, he’d also take you on little secret adventures to other worlds. In return, you can just show him all the cool things to do around your world.

And if you ARE in the Organization with him then it’s the same thing - except that you two get in trouble with Saix a lot. You and Demyx stick together like glue and everyone knows better than to try and separate you. No one wants to deal with Demyx’s whining or his constant sitar strumming in the Grey Area.

You’re the first one he goes to whenever he writes a new song. Or for cover if he’s in trouble. Hell, you’re the one he goes to for everything. It can be a bit overbearing but can you blame him ? He’s surrounded by really depressing people all the time ! Around you, he doesn’t have to put on an act - he can just be himself without the pressure of “yEAH SORRY, NO FEELINGS ALLOWED IN THIS BITCH.” If you ask him for more s p a c e, he’ll understand though.

Demyx trusts you more than enough to tell you about his past as a Somebody. As well as everything else that he has to keep from his coworkers : his fears, insecurities, dreams, goals… And he’d love to hear your story too ! It’s one of the very rare moments in which he’s completely serious.

Marluxia :

It doesn’t really matter if you’re his best friend, you’re gonna be kept in the dark a lot. Don’t take it personally, though - Marluxia is just. Naturally shady and private with everything. As well as a perfectionist. If you do end up learning anything about his plans and such, it’s because he allowed you to know - and cause he’s aware of what your reaction is going to be. Well, or at least thinks so. This fucker just needs to be two steps ahead.

But of course, he does have a soft spot for you. Marluxia’s cruel and aloof façade has slipped more than once in your presence and you’ve been able to see a more human side of him. Like you sometimes get the feeling that you’re nothing but a pawn to him, but hell hath no fury like Marluxia if anyone tried to hurt you. (”What did you say about Y/N? Dear, hold my fucking flower, gotta tear this thot a new one.”)

If you were in the Organization with him, you’d be the first one to know about his plans to overthrow Xemnas and the first one he’d ask to join him. And trust me, he won’t accept no for an answer. Marluxia would do everything in his power to convince you to side with him should you refuse his offer, but there’s a tiny chance that you can end up changing his mind instead. From his point of view, you’re the only one worth listening to.

If you weren’t in the Organization, then Marluxia would keep them from knowing about you. He knows that your friendship, no matter how strong and beautiful, can be used against him - so by being his usual cryptic and shady self, he’s protecting both of your asses ! You’d probably wake up to a different flower on your window every day.

Marluxia is actually a cheeky bastard. He’d tease and pull little harmless pranks on you for funsies only to pretend that he’s “too classy for tasteless jokes like that.” He’s not the type to get emotional and sentimental, so don’t expect a tragic backstory reveal - but he’s surprisingly gentle when you’re the one in need for comfort. If you wake up to find that your problem has been magically solved, then you bet Marluxia pulled some strings behind the scenes.

#kh headcanons #reader insert #saix #axel #demyx #marluxia #antisociablewallflower

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blaperile · 5 years

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Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 16 (Epilogue 3 Page 3)

#Homestuck #The Homestuck Epilogues #Meat #Epilogue Three #Dirk #Rose

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soap-brain · 7 years

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gonna take a sec here and talk about my life in some detail bc things are happening

so like. life is fucking great atm. technically. because there are finally people who are ... idk, interested in me and like me for me and where i don’t have to hide and who are willing to talk with me and who are here for ravenna, and not just bits and pieces of her. and ... that’s really fucking great and i’m hanging out with people who geniunely like me. and ... that’s never happened to me before (lol i am so happy i’m away from my dearest lea i hope you get fuckin’ rekt or smth you toxic bitch) (seriously though i am super happy to be rid of her, i’m feeling ... so good honestly, it’s such a relief). i’m going to a poetry slam tomorrow, we went out for dinner and drinks yesterday and sometime next week me and a couple others are going to see the new thor. so that’s awesome.

but ... i also feel like i don’t have enough time. not because i’m having such an active social life (i’m not, i’m just hanging out a normal amount), and not in the “oh my god my life is almost over i’m going to die soon i’m so old” kinda way, but just ... twenty-four hours in a day is fucking nothing. i’m currently trying to plan out my days in a bit more detail, because my general plan isn’t working too well for me, and ... there is so fucking little time. like ... tomorrow, for example. i know i’ll be fucking useless before 9am. i’m aiming for 8am but idk how well that’s gonna go. so say i start at 8. i go over my flash cards until ten, which is two hours. you’d think it’s a lot but i have a LOT of flash cards to learn. after that i’ll take a half hour break. then i’ll get ready for my presentation on monday until noon. then i’ll take another half hour break, and then i’ll take half an hour to get ready for anatomy class aka look over my topic and do research for that. then i’ll take an hour off, have lunch, write a little maybe (even tho idk what to have for lunch unless i go get bread before starting my day). then from two to three i’ll go over my flash cards again. from three to five i’ll do extra work on my presentation, maybe on my topic too if i need to, or i’ll continue working my way through the textbook. then i’ll have an hour off and we’ll go to the poetry slam at six, and that is on until nine. i’ll get home, wash up and hopefully hit the bed at ten, which i need because otherwise i will have world’s worst time getting up the next morning. and ... the tally is seven hours of work (including smaller breaks and stuff), and ... that’s just not enough time. i don’t know whether seven hours of work is even enough, but in that time i also didn’t hit the gym at all, i didn’t vacuum, i didn’t do my laundry, i didn’t shower (which i absolutely need to do tomorrow), i didn’t clean up my desktop, i didn’t make a meal plan for next week etc etc. and i still didn’t watch any of the sectio chirurgica eps, didn’t watch any more tas or voy, didn’t write, didn’t read ... there just isn’t enough time and that’s so frustrating. because i’m so excited to go to the poetry slam tomorrow and i’m so excited to learn all this (even if it is a bit of a drag sometimes lmao), and i am still kinda excited about anatomy class, and i am excited about working out, and i am excited about writing, but ... there is no time, you feel? and on monday i’ll get up to be at the store at 8, so i can get breakfast items and generally do my shopping, and then i still have an hour before class so i can go over my presentation again, and then i’ll spend five hours at uni if i do go get lunch with the others (and i do want to, so), and then i’ll probably manage to squeeze two hours doing flash cards into the afternoon, but i also want to go the gym, which’ll take 90 mins approx, and then when i come back it’ll be shortly before eight, so i gotta eat by then, and then i can maybe squeeze in another hour or so of studying, either going through the textbook or preparing for the next class on tuesday, and then it’ll be nine thirty pm, and then i gotta get ready for bed, but i didn’t yet watch the new disco ep, but if i don’t go to bed at ten, then i know i won’t be able to get up early the next morning. there just isn’t enough time to do everything i need to do and want to do. and then i’ll have pretty much the same day on tuesday, and then i’ll have wednesday off, so that’s where i might sleep an hour longer usually, but this week i have an appointment at 8:15, and then i’ll try to put in five hours of studying plus two hours of going to the voluntary seminar which i probably should do, and then i’d like to go to the gym as well, so boom, eight hours+ done for. and then the week after next it’s my little sister’s birthday on tuesday, so i should her present sent before the weekend so it arrives on time, but i don’t know when to even shop for the present, so i’ll have to do that on friday or so, and then two days after her birthday i’ve got an exam, so i also gotta study a lot for that, and then two weeks after that december is going to start, and ideally i’d have all the presents ready in the first week of december so i can relax the rest of december and don’t have to worry about that and can instead focus on starting to study for chemistry so i pass that at the end of the semester, but there’s also another exam on the organs very shortly before christmas, and then at the end of january there’s the third exam which i think is neuroanatomy, and then two days after that there’s the final on anatomy class, and sometime around that time i’ll have to do the chem exam, and then i’ll likely visit my parents again so i’m there for my mom’s birthday, and then i’m going to come back because a) i have some more uni (in my holidays, i know) and b) a great friend of mine is visiting so close to me, and then i’ll get to see them which i usually don’t (bc they come all the way from america so like ...), and then the new semester will start already and i just hope i’ll have had time to already pre-study for that. oh yeah and on one of the first days of december another really great friend of mine has their birthday, and i wanna do something for that, and i already know what, but it’ll take a lot of time.

just ... time. i don’t have nearly enough. i need 48 hrs every day, honestly.

anyways. i am super happy though. life is finally going really great. i still have a lot of work to do with my personality and who i am vs who i want to be, but ... seriously, while moving seemed so bad because i would lose my “one true friend” (who then freaked out about me “destroying the friendship” and “not taking her feelings into consideration”), and i’d have to start completely anew and i’d be all on my lonesome, it turned out to be so good for me. i’m so incredibly happy. i just seriously need more fucking time :D

anyways, i’ll go now, i’ll do some planning. if you read all the way until here, you get a free ... a free ... a free emoji. reply to this post with anything and you shall receive your free emoji for all your troubles :DDD

#kinda personal but eh. not that i ever post anything else here #captains log #cool to read cool to like cool to reply to but NOT cool to reblog my dudes

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #3- ish + 4 (plus some inter-related bits about monies and general stuff)

Ack! I um... I forgot what happened in the third appointment lolol I should really note things down straight away or in one of those neat diary apps on ze phone, they look so useful I should really just stop hesitating and try one really >^<

I had such a bad inner meltdown the other day, I was thinking for so long and deep while doing everything that day that I just don’t even ;; I zoned out thinking too hard while sitting on the toilet and showering even more than usual on a whole bunch of other days too lol... The things I thought were really bringing me down so low and the intensity of the negativity in there was so strong but I can’t let it mess me up and take me off track. It’s okay to get lost in though sometimes, but gotta make sure not to pull the gloominess and irrational into reality. I got past it, I’ll be okay! ^^

Imma just merge my regular kind of post with the therapy posts because why not (also I lazy lol). The reluctance and anxiety I get over thinking about writing these posts is so ughhh the mental effort needed is more than I have the capacity for .__. I’m so distracted and restless and haven’t been well at all, but I gotta get this done. It doesn’t matter if it sucks, just do it, it’ll be fine! ^^

Anyways, in that 3rd week in general I um... I made cookies! And not just once, but twice! Hell yeah! X3 It’s sounds lame but it’s a great accomplishment for me! It was fun and every time I ate a cookie I would think yay I made this! Too bad my parents weren’t all that interested but they did try a cookie each (both batches) and thought it was alright! :D I hope to actually wow them with something in future, huff huff gotta keep trying! Gotta put even more love into it! ^^

Okay, skipping to this week for now. I went for my fourth session and my homework from the previous week was to have had a look at hobby clubs or classes and to join one if possible. I looked but the only things I could really find were actual college courses (which cost big monies) and some really basic craft clubs to make small specific things. I can’t help but feel like the things done there can be done at home with some online tutorials and that it’d be wasteful to go but that obviously defeats the purpose of everything @^@”

She said to make sure that the club or whatever is something I really wanted to do/am genuinely interested in learning and to let the conversation practice sort of thing always just be something there on the side, so killing two birds with one stone. This was also in relation to something I said about feeling awkward well... when there’s awkward silences. Since I and the other person/people should be focusing on the task at hand, it won’t matter if conversation fades because it’s only secondary to why we’re there, just a side quest of sorts on my main mission.

So uh, I told her that those were the kinds of things I found, not a lot out there and that they costed money which brought me on to start looking up jobs a little instead. Looking at the required skills and qualifications parts of the job pages made me feel pretty awful as I lack so much, but I saw people say to just apply anyways and you never know, you could be perfect for it even if on paper you didn’t seem so. I came across some jobs with no requirements too which is like ding ding! But the reviews on them were not so good. I feel like I can do it, but at the same time I feel like I’m not ready at all, gotta keep taking baby steps for now to build my confidence and skills, it’ll be okay.

She showed me this diagram of uhh... it was a vicious cycle of negative thoughts..? I can’t remember perfectly but it was basically a cycle where your mind jumps the gun and catastrophizes and causes anxiety to flare. This just goes on to confirm all these bad feels and beliefs you have originating from past things and allows them to seep into current things and scare and hold you back and everything just loops infinitely. That was probably the worst explanation ever, my bad, but my laziness and terrible memory knows no bounds @_@”

I have seen this type of vicious cycle diagram before of course, but she explained it a bit more with an actual relevant example of an event or task I am or would do and how each step of the cycle relates to the workings of my thoughts then. Like to do with me avoiding doing stuff because I’m worried they won’t be perfect or turn out well or that I see myself badly because in the past that’s how I noticed people saw me (or assumed they saw me) and I keep believing it is going to be the same now (so I automatically assume the same again).

Oh! That’s something I went into a bit more, about people looking at me weirdly/not liking me. She asked how I could tell and I mentioned I’m really conscious of body language and stuff like them seeming disinterested, reluctant or with a sour expression when I try to talk to them and that it gives me the vibe that I’m undesirable to converse or look at. But she was able to unravel and dissolve most of that by saying how would I know that those expressions and behaviour are directly linked to me and that instead it could just be the person having a headache or a bad day and that even if they really are disinterested and reply half assed then well, so what... I am making the effort and if they don’t want to return it then it’s not my fault and it’s maybe not worth my time and I should just move on without taking all these self hurting assumptions and unimportant memories with me.

I do try to see things from others perspectives and sometimes I feel I am overly considerate but sometimes it’s just too hard when you’re just stuck inside your own head with all these bad thoughts and insecurities crushing you in and stopping you from seeing out. I want to not read in too deeply or to not misread others and to not forget to take care of myself and not be overly sensitive.

When my mind jumps to a negative assumption I’m gonna tell it to stand down and not try to dive deep into where it doesn’t need to be. Also with jumping to negative conclusions about doing things, I’m just going to try to not think about it and just do it instead and if I can’t refrain from thinking ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’, I am going to also ask myself ‘what’s the best that can happen?’ too. I say this like it’s magically gonna happen from now on but I know it’s not gonna be so easy, I gotta just keep reminding myself and let myself fall into a much healthier pattern, baby steps some more! A stampede of baby steps might happen all at once, who knows ^^

Ah! On the 3rd week (I’m jumping back and forth I know but oh well, as long as my memory gets sparked and running again haha) I think we discussed what I would like to focus on, as in one specific area (as she had to write it down on this form thing). It was a lil disappointing to know it had to be so specific or closed and we decided on just self confidence in general (and just being myself which just lead her back to just putting self confidence). I’m kinda iffy about it though but oh well, just be grateful silly me!

I plucked up the courage to mention I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to put forth and resolve all my deeper troubles and to again to ask her about whether having an actual diagnosis would be a useful thing (even though I know she cannot give one). I know it would be valuable to me and possibly of use with the financial help stuff but she was just kind of like hmmm... nope (and not to worry about it I guess). That was a bit of a downer but maybe if I really wanted to I could pursue one elsewhere later on somehow.

She said she feels I probably just have anxiety and am socially awkward. Hm... that definitely rings true and before knowing of AVPD that’s what I thought for sure. I guess it’s kind of nice in a way to not sound so bad? Or maybe she just doesn’t want me to self-prophecise (which I think I might have been doing all the while eep! xAx). Who knows what I have or what I am, giving myself a name or label to refer to might be a bad thing after all, maybe I’ll find out later on or maybe I’ll be able to get past all this without needing it or being it.

Um anyways, one of the things I was avoiding or kind of also forgot about is to apply for financial help (benefits) while I am unemployed and trying to get better. She used this as an example with the cycle diagram too. I was really stressing about it this week as she said to make sure to get it done for next week because without it (the monies) we wouldn’t be able to progress (pay and go to clubs or whatever and so grow some more socially and in confidence). I researched it more and I found another sort of option (as well as the other past option which I am going to ignore for now... bad me ><) and just well, after a long while of thinking all these negative outcomes and things just decided to kick all those thoughts and do it. I needed to do it and it is true, if I don’t try, I won’t know and I thought back to what she said which is that I do deserve it (because I keep feeling like I don’t even though my many struggles are indeed very real and valid .__.).

I did the phone call to start the benefits claim yesterday and it wasn’t so bad... I mean it sucked for sure, but well, it could have been worse I guess lol... The person on the other end kept talking fast and sounded out of breath and kind of accented, so many of the things they said was totally unclear and I had to say ‘pardon’ and ‘sorry what?’ about 20 times. Some things I still didn’t understand perfectly and the person was kinda unhelpful/unwilling to explain better even when I asked, which just felt like wthhh even, but welp I got through it anyways! :D I made sure to prepare all the info needed and to not overthink and just do it and I did it yay!!

Now comes the waiting for the actual form I have to fill in which I am so anxious about because of the amount of detail needed and it’s the super deep personal kind of details which I always struggle to express in any form. Then after that there’s a face to face assessment which is making me die just thinking about it x__x but... but, it’ll be okay, c’mon... I can do this!! I’ll never know if I don’t try! That’s the thought that kept pushing me lately, I gotta keep it in mind even more because it works pretty good (though I’ve ignored it a lot in the past or well, fear just always came first and eradicated any other thought pretty much, but that’ll change now!). The outcome may be bleak but I‘ve got to still hold onto the hope and to congratulate myself for trying even though it was hard, it was something!

I also emailed an online shopping place to see if they could reimburse the price difference on an item I bought recently which went on sale soon after which I really didn’t want to do, but my sis prompted me to as she’d seen many people try this with sometimes good results. So I did do it and even though I knew they were likely to not be able to do anything about it, at least I tried and that is something! I was scared to, but went for it. I mean their response still hurt a little, but it was mostly what I was expecting to get and was very professional.

I need to keep pushing myself to just try in all sorts of things. Even if it’s scary, even if it hurts to think about what might be the outcome, I just need to try or I’ll miss the chance for even good things to happen too.

My other sort of homework was to practice and actually help out with phone orders at my parent’s work place. This is something I’ve been wanting to do and something my parents have been wanting me to do for a long time but I’m just so scared of it, phone calls are just something I’ve always avoided in the past because I get so awkward and panicky.

In the session we did a small pretend/hypothetical phone order scene thing where she was the customer and I was prompted to just say what I would and it was easier than I thought kinda. I was jumping ahead and worrying about her asking certain things I often hear customers say (when other people answer it) but she never asked it. She told me I was working myself up by predicting something that may or may not even happen (just like in that cycle diagram). She said to be in the moment and not think past it, just go with the flow kind of thing and everything will be peachy and it’s well, pretty true if I think about other phone calls I’ve made like the one above where I was expecting them to ask certain things and was super anxious but they never even asked those things (or well not in the detail I was expecting) lol.

I think... I think I can do it. I mean, I know I’m capable. I just have to get past the fear of my family judging me, me asking them for help or me getting things jumbled and getting in trouble. I even tried to do another pretend practice conversation with my sis but neither of us took it seriously (or well maybe that was my fault for goofing around) and I wanted to look over the material so I was prepared but I just ahhh xAx I think I’m overcomplicating things again. There’s only one day left to try and then I’m at my 5th appointment. I’m worried she’ll be disappointed in me, but is’s just so nerve-wracking taking the first step into something scary like that. At least I’ll have done one of the two things I needed to do though. I need to psych myself up some more, toughen up and put all the negative behind me. I wonder if I’ll be able to do it before then... @~@ Maybe I’ll get my sis for more practice or moral support.

I’ve been wanting to try posting my other misc stuff on my other accounts and changed the name/urls again for the millionth time. I am a little happier with them than before but still iffy and overly anxious, over thinking to the max again. It’s true, I’ll never be happy and I’ll never move forward if I’m always second guessing myself, reaching for the unattainable perfection, being scared of failure, letting the past haunt me and the unforeseeable future scare me.

I made a small step forward and it was better than nothing. I am finally starting to see the worth in my creations, to see the beauty (uhh) past the imperfections and I wish I could say that about myself too but that’s going to need to take a long while more. As always baby steps, baby steps all the way until I can buy a fancy tricycle or one of those electric mini cars LOL XD

About the way I keep mentioning time and me wasting it, I mentioned this to the counsellor also and she helped me realise that no time is wasted and that there is nothing lost when meeting with failure either. Learning from mistakes, moving slowly, it’s all okay. If I can keep going, even if I screw up, I’ll have the knowledge to do better next time and I’ll prove myself wrong and break the cycle. I can do things, I can do everything I want to do, I just gotta believe in myself and not let the bumps on my journey slow me to a stop ^^

Wow this post grew quite a bit in length. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it! I’m sure there’s lots I’ve missed out, but it doesn’t matter, I feel I’ve done more than enough. I did it yay! Listening to the relaxing/concentration/meditation music really really works wonders! I still haven’t gotten round to making a nice playlist of it darn ><

Now to go worry about the phone order thing some more... :’< I kid, or am I srs ack! I’ll figure it out! Whatever happens, or doesn’t happen, I'll make sure to not be too hard on myself for it!

Time to try be more productive! Or maybe relax some more, who knows! Yolo! XD

Go go me! (and go go you!) ^^

#therapy #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #avpd #baby steps #feel the fear and do it anyways #prove yourself and everyone else wrong #no time is wasted if you're always learning #believe in yourself #you can do it!

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lavieendonna · 6 years

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Brushwork || ArtMajor!Calum AU (Chapter 21)

Summary: An Art Major AU where Dallas - third year gawky art student at VCA - makes a deal with Calum - her cute new neighbour and project partner - and they spend the semester learning that the perfect masterpiece takes a whole lot of brushwork.

Date: 6 March 2018 Requested: i don’t even think this gets read anymore and yet Pairing: Calum + Dallas Words: 5.5K yikes Warnings: DATE NIGHT.......... PART 2 A/N: Honestly i’m not even going to apologise for this chapter. This is the Big One i’ve been waiting to write since the beginning basically so like. Please let me know what you think. This story isn’t anywhere near finished. Stay with me, & Big love xo

Ask | Masterlist | ‘Brushwork’ Spotify Playlist | Next Chapter | ‘Brushwork’ News

Chapter 21: If Looks Could Kill Then She’d Murdered Me in Cold Blood and Was Spitting on My Grave.

Luke was getting set up when Calum and I walked into the pub, that was a few more restaurants down the dock. He looked taller than usual in a plain white tee and blue skinny jeans (which in themselves surprised me, not to mention that they had a total of zero holes or rips in them), and I’d never really noticed before how long his hair had gotten, either, as I watched the blonde curls nearly brush at his chin. He looked good, weirdly enough, almost good enough that he didn’t look like my baby brother. But he also looked more nervous than I’d seen him before, which had me wondering if maybe this was the first time he’d ever played live.

“Hey, brother!” Calum greeted him with one of those weird bro-type handshake-hugs and a grin. Luke smiled back, flicking his Rapunzel hair out of his face as he pulled back.

“Hey, man. DJ,” he hugged me close next and I gave as much of a squeeze as I could muster (which, considering he was a giant, probably felt considerably normal to him). “Thanks for coming, guys, really.” I grinned up to his great height before stepping back beside Calum who eagerly let his hand find mine again, fingers intertwining with mine.

“Anything for you, Lucifer.” I smile cheekily, hoping maybe a bit of banter would make him less nervous. And, from what I could tell, it was working already as Luke rolled his eyes and nudged me gently.

“You ready to roll?” Calum asked and Luke nodded, taking a quick look around at his gear. There was a light wash semi-acoustic guitar in a stand a few feet away all hooked up to a few amps, Luke leaning on the mic stand right beside us.

“Yeah, I think so.” He said semi-confidently, leaning off of the mic stand so that he could grab the neck in his hand. “Just gotta hook up the mic and then have another drink before show time.”

“Sounds mean,” Calum grinned. “I’ll get drinks for all of us. What’ll you have?”

“Oh, you know me mate, a pint of anything will do.” Calum laughed and have a small nod as if to say, that’s true.

“Dal?” He asked, looking down at me with excited eyes. I bit my lip involuntarily as I hesitated. Calum’s gaze hardened quickly, but it was still cheeky so I didn’t quite want to die just yet. “I still have your wallet remember,” he reminded me. “You’re not paying for a thing.”

“Jack and coke.” I sulked, pouting my bottom lip through a twitchy smile and Calum chuckled and pecked my cheek quickly before leaving my side. Luke was smirking when I looked back at him and I blushed.

“What’s that look for?” I asked grumpily, immediately getting defensive. Luke just laughed as he pulled the mic stand back and forth. It was like he was trying to distract me. And that wasn’t fair.

“Your date’s going alright then?” He asked cheekily and while I wanted to roll my eyes and smack him in the gut and tell him to shut up, I just smiled.

“I guess.” I said simply, not wanting to say too much because knowing my unlucky ass I would jinx it and everything would unravel and I’d probably end up in the foetal position in the middle of the pub rocking back and forth waiting for the sweet embrace of death. Or something like that, anyway.

I let my eyes follow Luke’s lanky arm to where he was clutching the stand and saw that he had what looked like blue ink smeared across the back of his hand. It was his handwriting, that much I could tell. What was written, though, was a whole different story. And I wanted to know what it was because it meant we could stop talking about me and my date for thirty seconds.

“What’s on your hand?” I asked while Luke finished laughing and before he could tease me any more than he had. His blue eyes looked to his hand, too, and I watched as he grasped the stand just a fraction tighter, just enough to turn his knuckles white.

“Oh, hah.” Luke shrugged before letting go of the stand so he could read whatever it was. “It’s my set list. I forgot it was there before when I washed my hands so it kinda… yeah.” He held it out for me to look at and I understood what he meant as soon as I saw the barely legible writing up close. I snorted.

“Well done.” I pushed his arm gently. “Nervous?” I asked and, surprisingly, Luke nodded slowly.

“Yeah, a little.” He admitted. “I always get nervous when I play. But having you guys here helps.”

I offered Luke a wide grin, as Calum moseyed over with two bottles of Corona with lime wedges stuffed into the necks and a tall class of dark liquid (which I assumed was mine), and little did he know that it wasn’t really for him but just a reaction to what he’d said.

I always felt like such a fangirl whenever Luke or Calum or Ashton or even Michael lumped me into their group of friends. I’d lived the majority of my life with minimal friends and few people that genuinely cared enough about me to say it in words, so whenever one of them did that it just took me by surprise and I never got sick of that quick flush of excitement that rushed through me every time. It seemed kind of pathetic when I glamorised them all like that, but it was just the only way I could think to describe it. And I wasn’t ashamed for having and wanting their attention.

This wasn’t just about Calum, anymore. This was about me feeling supported. This was about me supporting someone else and not feeling obliged to it. This was about me finally feeling like I was actually living.

After we finished our drinks, Luke disappeared to go and finish warming up and I found a loveseat with a coffee table right in front of the stage to occupy while Calum went off and bought us another drink. The waves of nerves I had felt earlier in the night seemed to be disappearing slowly until all that was left was me and my cute outfit and the buzz of either alcohol or the beginning of something I’d been wishing I’d had long ago without even knowing it.

“What are you smiling about?” Calum asked as he sat down beside me, placing the new drinks on the wooden table in front of us and then slinking his arm around my shoulders. He was warm and I leaned into his touch without a second thought. I shrugged, looking up to brown eyes in complete admiration.

“Nothing.” I said, and it was almost true. “I’m having a really great time.” Calum grinned back his crooked smile and even in the dim lighting of the pub, I saw his cheeks flush a faint pink.

“Me too.” He agreed, and before we could say anything else Luke wandered up to the mic, tapped on it three times, and then spoke.

Luke had said he was nervous but, honestly, I couldn’t even tell. He spoke clearly without stuttering and he wandered the small stage as he sang as if he’d been born specifically to perform. I watched him in complete amazement at his voice and I wondered how the hell I’d never known that he could sing like that!

“Why didn’t you tell me he could sing?!” I said in Calum’s ear as Luke belted out his rendition of an All Time Low song. Calum looked at me with a cocked brow and suspicious eyes.

“Don’t you go falling in love with him, now.” He warned cheekily. “This happens every time.” I rolled my eyes and hit him playfully in the stomach.

“Whatever.” I mumbled. “I knew he could write but I didn’t know he could sing.”

“We all do, a little.” Calum said and I offered an impressed look before grinning hopefully.

“Does that mean you’ll sing for me?” I asked and then it was Calum’s turn to roll his eyes at me.

“Uh, no.” He said simply and if I didn’t know him better I would have thought he was getting a little shy. There was no way, though, I thought. I didn’t make people shy. I made them nervous and, at times, uncomfortable. But then Calum shrugged and pulled me a little closer, leaning down to kiss the side of my face. “Maybe.” He’d changed his mind. “If you’re lucky.”

After Luke’s set he come over and I immediately stood to hug him.

“Luke!” I squealed as he squeezed me tight. I was standing on my tiptoes in order to reach my arms up and over his shoulders, his low laughter rumbling from deep in his chest and vibrating through me. “You were amazing! I didn’t know you could sing like that!”

“Thanks, D.” He laughed, letting me go so Calum could give him the same respects. “I messed up Crowded House a little bit but I don’t think anyone noticed.”

“I noticed.” Calum teased him and Luke just punched him in the arm and rolled his eyes.

“Maybe you should have come up and sang it with me then, you dick.” He laughed when Calum punched him back. “I was trying to give you the eyes.” Calum just laughed and shook his head, his arm winding around my waist as if it belonged there. It probably did – Lord knows it felt like it did.

“Maybe next time.” Calum dismissed him with a wave and before I knew it they started talking about something or another while I stood there, just watching and trying to listen. I liked watching Calum and Luke talk because they didn’t just speak with words but with expressions and gestures. Their eyes lit up every time they understood a reference or a remembered something that was referenced. Luke spoke with his hands, little points and signals, and Calum just offered his utmost undivided attention. I almost felt rude, watching this exchange, but I knew that they didn’t mind.

After another few drinks with Luke I found myself desperately needing to pee. I’d not really noticed until then, but I put that down to the fact that I was having too much fun to register that my seal needed breaking. I remembered lecturing myself before Calum and I had left the pub about taking it easy on the juice so that this wouldn’t happen, but eventually it all caught up with me and I couldn’t neglect it any longer. I excused myself with a quick peck on Calum’s cheek (and one for Luke, too, when he gave a pout out of jealousy) and quickly sped off, looking for the ladies’ room and dodging between different groups of people as I tried desperately to think of anything else except running water and dripping taps and the amount of alcohol I’d ever consumed in my entire life.

Pushing through the bathroom doors, there were a couple of other girls in there already fixing their make-up and hair. They all turned to stare at me for a heartbeat or two before turning back to their lipstick and hair pins as if I was nothing. I swallowed a lump in my throat, that I didn’t know was there until now, before ducking into the first empty cubicle I saw.

As I sat in there, almost totally alone with my thoughts, I felt the anxiety creeping back into my gut, all from a couple of empty gazes from girls I didn’t know. I could hear a couple of them whispering and all of a sudden, I felt like I couldn’t quite breathe properly. It wasn’t quite the hysterics that I’d been expecting for days (just because that was my life), but nevertheless it didn’t feel good. It was ridiculous to think that they were whispering about me, that they knew that I’d gotten my hopes up and that was trying not to jinx myself. But that’s what that feeling was, and it made me stay inside that cubicle until I was sure that they’d gone.

As soon as I heard the main door click closed again, I stepped out of my cubicle and stood in front of the mirror carefully looking at every line of my face. I still looked like me, regardless of whatever inner monologue was going on in my head. My hair was a little frizzier than it had been when I’d left the house, but it wasn’t distasteful. And my clothes didn’t have a single stain on them (yet) so I pushed that aside, too, and took to looking deep into my own eyes. They looked off, like I could see the worry and the tiny feeling I had that I wasn’t safe yet, reflected back at me. But all I could think about was that Calum was out there, waiting for me, and after a few deep breaths, I tried to force myself to squash the inhibitions.

My trek back out into the pub was slower than the one I had taken before, and it was probably for a good reason, too, as I spotted two new additions to our little trio we’d established on the loveseats in the middle of the pub. Ashton was sitting on the seat across from Calum and Luke, dressed casually in a black tee and some jeans, and next to him – to my complete surprise – was my sister. Her hair was out, which was different for her, and she was wearing what looked like one of my baseball tees and a pair of light-wash skinny jeans (knowing her, those were probably mine, too, at some point). The boys were laughing and talking about something or another, but as I got closer the more I realised that Belle actually looked kind of… out of it. Misplaced. Agitated, even.

“Hey!” I greeted everyone with as big of a smile as I could muster despite my confusion. “How are you guys?” Ashton smiled back and stood to kiss me on the cheek quickly before I sat myself next to Calum, more or less just leaning on the arm of the chair while he wrapped his arm back around me.

“Good, good.” Ashton said, looking to Belle quickly and sharing a glance that I didn’t really recognise. “We were just in the area, thought we’d drop in to hear Lucas play.” I gave a nod and got excited because I knew that this was probably the first time my sister had heard Luke’s music, too. Music had a pretty big influence over my sister’s life, so I was eager to hear her thoughts.

“Oh, dude, how good is he?!” I said excitedly, looking at my sister and waiting patiently for her to catch my eye. She didn’t, not really, not for more than a second.

“Uh, yeah.” She said shortly, and I spotted the smallest of frowns twitching on her brow. “Yeah, he was amazing.” I wanted desperately to ask why my sister was hiding something from me – from the group. Because something was clearly up with her, I could tell in the way she was kind of glued to Ashton’s side. But now wasn’t really the time.

“Don’t go falling in love with me now, Ladies.” Luke seemed to mimic what Calum had said to me earlier (which made me think that he’d told Luke what he’d said to me) and I just chuckled and rolled my eyes.

“Alright, big boy, calm down.” I laughed. “I think Belle and I are covered on that front.”

I didn’t really think about what I’d said, and everybody laughed so I didn’t really think much of it – until I noticed that Belle wasn’t laughing, and instead she was glaring at me fiercely. I recoiled, and if looks could kill then she’d murdered me in cold blood and was spitting on my grave.

“Outside.” She hissed through her teeth at me. “Now.” I stared blankly for half a second before she flew out of her seat, headed for the big glasses doors we had all come through at some point. I was suddenly very scared, and when I looked to Ashton for some clue as to what was happening he, too, refused to meet my stare. So, I looked to Luke, who just looked uncomfortable, and then to Calum who looked almost more frightened than I did.

She was pacing by the time I walked timidly outside, and I’d barely approached her when she started to yell.

“What exactly is wrong with you, Dallas?” She demanded of me straight away, nostrils flaring and eyes wild with disgust. I’d never seen my sister look at me like this and already I could feel the panic rising in my throat, that familiar feeling of needing to throw up waving over me and becoming a very prominent thought in my mind. “Seriously, what planet do you live on?”

“What?!” I managed to heave out in disbelief. I didn’t even know where to start with a response to Belle’s outburst. Was I supposed to have my own outburst? Was I supposed to cry right now? I felt like in order to do any of that, though, I first needed to know what was happening. “What is going on right now?!”

“How are you this dumb?!” She laughed out, but it was dark and lacked humour. She wasn’t just bickering with me the way we usually did, she was picking a fight. A real one; the kind where I feared that she was going to hit me. “You don’t even see what you’re doing!”

“What am I doing?!” I shrieked. “Tell me so I can fix it!”

“No!” She shook her head viciously, her voice rising and her arms flailing beside her. “You’re not getting out of this with a whiny apology and a slap on the wrist, not this time. You fucked up, Dallas! And now I have to pay for it!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” I yelled at her. “What exactly are you paying for?!”

“YOU!” She screamed, and she was getting in my face now. “You and your big fucking mouth!”

I opened my mouth to scream right back at my sister, but I didn’t know what to say and I felt the walls closing in again, my chest feeling tight and the words just not coming out. I’d been attacked by my sister’s words plenty of times – just never like this.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, my voice dropping low as I fought the tears pooling in my eyes. It wasn’t time to cry yet, so I tried as hard as I could to hold them in.

“I’m talking about you talking shit about me and about Polly and about Ashton.” She spat, taking a step back and turning away from me. Her voice was cracking and I knew that she was about to start crying, too, and the thought of that – the thought of making my sister cry, that was enough to break me. The first couple of tears fell, streaking mascara down my cheeks, but I took a deep breath and tried to control the rest.

“I…” My bottom lip quivered when I tried to speak. “I don’t… I don’t know what you’re –”

“Of course, you don’t know!” Belle cut me off with another yell before I could even claim ignorance. “You never know! That’s what makes you so fucking stupid!”

“Stop.” I flinched, closing my eyes as I took some more deep breaths.

“Stop what? Huh? Stop telling you the truth?!” She was getting closer again and I was trying to count to ten but I kept losing count.

“Stop!” I pleaded again. “Just stop!”

“You stop, Dallas!” She was definitely crying now, but she clearly wasn’t the one feeling attacked. She was hurt. She was angry. “Stop telling people my business! Stop spreading lies about shit you don’t know about!”

“I didn’t!” I tried to defend myself. “I would never do that to you, B, you know that!” Isabelle gave a dark laugh again, shaking her head in what looked like disappointment. Or maybe it was that same disgust that I saw in her eyes before.

“That’s your problem.” She snarled at me with a curled lip. “You don’t even know you’re doing it, you’re so…” she trailed off of her sentence, finishing with a scoff instead whatever it was she was thinking. I wasn’t sure why, but that was the moment the anger flared in me too. I felt the spark and for a split second, I saw red.

“What?” I bit back. “I’m so what, huh? You’ve been attacking me all night, don’t stop there!”

“Arrogant!” She yelled. “Arrogant and self-obsessed. You’re so busy worrying about yourself and your own problems that you didn’t even think before you went around telling everybody that Polly and Ashton were fucking behind my back, or that Ashton was cheating on me with Polly! You didn’t even stop the check the fucking facts before you said it!”

“I never said that!” I wailed, completely shocked that Belle would even say that I did such a thing.

“You implied it.” She snapped. “And that’s what everybody thinks is happening because you don’t know how to keep your fucking mouth shut.”

“No, I…! I didn’t –!”

“Yes, you did!”

That was a new voice, an added on I hadn’t been expecting. And apparently, based on the way my sister’s head snapped to the sound of someone else contributing to our family affairs, she wasn’t expecting her either.

“Polly?!” I gasped, eyes wide with shock originally at her presence, but then it clicked what she’d just said and I realised that she wasn’t here to defend me.

“Polly…” Belle said, too. I couldn’t place the expression that passed over her face through the tears. It wasn’t exactly relief, but it was softer than the looks she’d been giving me over last twenty minutes.

“She’s right, you know.” Polly wasn’t glaring at me like I thought she would have been. But her eyes were red and raw and she looked like she’d been crying, and it was confusing the hell out of me because I really almost thought we would be alright after she helped me out before Calum picked me up.

“What…” I sniffled, wiping my nose ungracefully on the back of my sleeve. “What about?”

Polly sniffed too, and the fact that she wasn’t as wild as my sister seemed to scare me more. She was wearing an oversized black VCA hoodie and some leggings, her hair nowhere near as neat and put together as it usually was and instead it was just thrown back into a messy bun, half of it falling out already. I’d seen Polly in some messes, but this seemed to be the worst she’d ever been.

“About you.” She said very matter-of-factly. “About you being self-involved and stupid!”

“Where is this coming from, Polly?!” I begged my friend to tell me, but from the flash of anger in her eyes I definitely knew we weren’t friends anymore.

“That!” She said, fresh tears pooling in her eyes. “The fact that you don’t know! You don’t know anything! And you still went around telling everybody bits and pieces of a story that you just made up! And then when I tried to come to you for help, when I needed you, Dallas, you brushed me aside like I didn’t even matter! You were so focused on Calum and your problems that you didn’t stop to think that maybe your friend needed you more than you needed me or your sister.”

“I tried to help you!” I whimpered. “I did, but you… you didn’t…!”

“Didn’t what, Dallas?” Polly cried, Belle just watching the exchange and waiting for her next opportunity to strike. “What didn’t I do?”

“You didn’t want it!” I said. “I tried to help but you just said everything was fine so I believed you!”

“You didn’t try hard enough, Dallas.” She just said monotonously. She was flat, like she’d decided that’s what I’d done to her a long time ago. Like she’d been thinking this way for days – weeks, probably, based on how downhill our friendship had been going. “You… Dallas, you pushed me away. You took yourself out of this friendship when you found something better – something that you thought made you better than me.”

“Polly!” I couldn’t help the sob that ripped through my throat. I couldn’t find the words to defend myself, either, because all I could think about was how much I appeared to have fucked up without really noticing.

All three of us were crying at this point, and things fell quiet while we all tried to take in the situation. I was still trying to picture the moments the two of them were talking about where I’d said or implied those things about Polly and Ashton when Calum and Ashton came rushing out of the pub.

We all turned to watch them come bounding toward us and, for a brief second, I was surprised that Luke hadn’t come too, but then I noticed him standing in the window, still watching with a look of worry etched into his face. Calum came straight to my side, hugging me to him so my face was buried in his chest. But I turned a little so I could see where Ashton went, and I knew I wasn’t the only one to see him hesitate. Both my sister and Polly were looking at him expectantly, but he just stood there in front of the four of us like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Maybe we should call it a night.” Calum said softly, mostly to me, though he did speak loud enough for everybody to hear. I just stood there, frozen in time like I was shutting down. Calum let me go but intertwined our hands like he was getting ready to drag me away, but my feet wouldn’t move and I felt like whatever this moment was, it wasn’t over.

“I think we all need to cool off.” Ashton tacked on, arms up, palms out, trying as much as he could to diffuse the tension. But it was like a switch went off inside Polly’s head and I watched her nostrils flare, too, and her expression became cold and harsh. This was almost the most emotion she’d shown all night. And while I felt bad for Ashton, I was slightly glad that I wasn’t on the receiving end of that look.

“You don’t get a say in this, Ashton.” She spat at the taller blonde. Ashton’s face and hands dropped, and he didn’t even try to defend himself, guilt passing over his face. “You’re just as much to blame here as she is.” I flinched as Polly gestured to me without even using my name. That was probably the most hurtful thing she’d said all night.

“Polly, don’t, it’s not his fault…” Belle had softened up, too, which also hurt because this whole time over the past few weeks I thought it was Polly who my sister had beef with, not me. But Polly just shot a glare back at Belle who closed her mouth straight away.

“You’re one to talk.” Polly snapped. “You’re just as guilty as he is. None of this would have happened if you two were just honest with me from the fucking start!”

“Pol, please…” Ashton tried again, taking a step toward my former best friend. Belle’s lip was quivering so much she looked like she had the chills. She was shrinking into herself so much that she didn’t even look like my sister anymore. She looked tiny and scared and sad. And a fresh batch of tears started pooling in my eyes as I kept thinking about how much I contributed to that.

“Do you even like me, Ashton?!” Polly demanded, ignoring Ashton’s plead. “Do either of you guys actually give a shit about me? Or is the sneaking around and pretending like I’m not a part of this what gets you off?”

“It’s not like that!” Belle sobbed and Polly wiped her eyes, squaring her shoulders.

“Isn’t it?!” She asked. “Because it really seems like it, B. You knew I liked him! But you went after him anyway!”

“She didn’t go after me, Pol! It’s… it’s just complicated!” Ashton ran a hand through his hair, stressed and confused and guilty. Calum squeezed my hand as a shiver ran up my spine.

“I gave you a chance to explain everything, Ashton.” Polly spoke slow, eyes closed for a minute, and when they re-opened it was like Polly was gone and whoever was left standing here wanted nothing to do with any of us. “But both of you fucked me over and I’ve had enough. You can all go fuck yourselves.”

With that Polly turned on her heel and took off at a fast-paced walk. I could tell the way her shoulders were shaking that she had finally broken and was crying her eyes out, but then Isabelle let out a sob, too, and took off in the other direction. Calum and I watched Ashton hesitate one more time before he took off after my sister. I didn’t think he would go after either of them, but it was very clear that whatever was happening between the three of them wasn’t anywhere close to being resolved yet. And somehow, I fit into this enough to make it my fault.

“Dallas…” Calum squeezed my hand again, and for a moment it was like I’d blacked out and forgotten he was even there – forgotten how we’d ended up here to begin with. I looked blankly, tears streaming down my face like they had a mind of their own. He looked sad, but not just in general. He looked sad for me. He felt sorry for me, I could see it in his eyes.

“I, uh…” I sniffed, taking my hand back when I realised that his touch was actually, for once, making things a lot worse than I wanted it to. “You should go.” Calum’s brow furrowed and he reached for me, but I recoiled away.

“Dallas, come on, let’s –”

“No.” I said forcibly, stepping away when he stepped forward. Confusion flashed through brown eyes and I couldn’t stand it. I felt the hurt and the upset and the anger bubbling in my stomach until I couldn’t take it anymore. “You should just go, Calum!” I said again. “You… You don’t need this. You don’t need me to fuck this up, whatever this is.”

Calum didn’t move. I thought he would if I said something like that, but he didn’t. Like Polly had before, he squared off his shoulders as his expression became hard and cold.

“Don’t do that.” He said carefully. I glared at him.

“Don’t do what?” I snapped. “Don’t protect you? You want me to stop you from getting involved in all this shit I’ve created?”

“Yes!” He snapped back. For the first time, I saw anger deeply set in Calum’s eyes and I widened my own, frightened by the expression. “I want you to stop trying to push me away like you’ve pushed everybody else away!”

“I’m not pushing you!” I yelled and Calum yelled right back.

“You are, Dallas!” He yelled. “It’s what you do! You push us away when you freak out about how much we care, and then you blame us for walking away when we get shitty with you! You’re off living in your own little world that you forget that there are people here beside you, trying to get close to you to bring you back! You’re full of shit, Dallas, everyone is right!”

“Then go!” I screamed, a new sob tearing through my chest. “Leave me here! Because if you go like everybody else then I’m out of your way and you don’t have to fucking worry about it anymore, alright?!”

Calum was still pissed, I could see it in his eyes even though the never-ending tears streaming down my cheeks. But he still looked torn, like he wanted to just hold me until all the hurt went away. But he knew that he couldn’t, because he was right, I wasn’t going to let him close to me, not after this. Not after what he’d just said.

“Let me take you home.” Was what he said, gesturing back toward the direction of home. “We can… we can all sleep it off and come back to this when… when we’re ready.” I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to go home, not on the off chance that’s where Polly had gone.

“Just go, Calum.” I said, folding my arms across my chest as another shiver rippled through my body.

“Dallas, please, it’s nearly midnight, you can’t –”

“Calum.” I looked up, straightening my own shoulders, clearing my expression and holding my breath for dear life as I stared Calum right in the eye. “Just leave me alone.”

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birdlord · 7 years

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What I Watched in 2016

Here are the movies and TV series I watched in 2016, some with commentary and some without. The number after the movies is the date of release, my faves are bolded, and rewatches are marked with as asterisk. Last year’s list!

01 Do I Sound Gay (14)

02 We are The Best! (13)

03 Hateful Eight (15)

04 Welcome to Me (14)

05 For Your Eyes Only (81) - I listened to a lot of back episodes of the James Bonding podcast early this year, which of course led to watching a bunch of Bond movies. Not all, and not in order, certainly.

06 She’s the One (96)

07 * Diamonds are Forever (71)

08 It’s Complicated (09) - I think it was an article about the kitchen design in this movie that led me to watch it?

09 The Natural (84)

10 * Anna Karenina (12) - Never having read the book I can’t REALLY speak to this movie but haha I kinda love its commitment to artifice.

11 About Time (13)

12 What We Do in the Shadows (14) - I did enjoy this, but wasn’t as taken by it as I thought I might be. Found the werewolves the funniest by far, so I wish they’d turned up more often.

13 The Abominable Bride (15) - counting this as a movie, it was the Sherlock xmas special and I recall exactly zero about it, so…..must have been amazing, right?

14 Wake in Fright (71) - Never Go To Australia

15 Hail Caesar (16) - I think I’d have to see it again to determine if the whole thing actually holds together, but at the time, it felt of a piece with the Coen’s cheerier output.

16 In the Heart of the Sea (15)

17 The Night of the Comet (84)

18 Laggies (14)

19 * Bowling for Columbine (02)

20 A Gentleman’s Agreement (47) - confessional, experiential journalism, but done by Cary Grant in the 40s. Ahead of his time/gender?

21 Barefoot in the Park (67)

22 Suddenly Last Summer (59)

23 Tangerine (15)

24 * His Girl Friday (40)

25 That Touch of Mink (62)

26 * Charlie’s Angels (00)

27 9-5 (80) - Holy shit, somehow I thought this movie was just a rah-rah, girl power story about a bunch of secretaries getting together and overthrowing their boss and yeah, that’s SORT OF it but it gets way way weirder in the final third.

28 * Who Framed Roger Rabbit (88)

29 * The Addams Family (91)

30 * Addams Family Values (93)

31 Frida (02)

32 Bridge of Spies (15) - A E I O U and sometimes SPIES :O

33 Swimming With Sharks (94)

34 Sleeping With the Enemy (91)

35 Fatal Attraction (87) - Watched this movie and the previous one as part of an 80s/90s thriller weekend. These two are an interesting contrast to one another, being as the first is about an abusive husband and the second focuses on the most notable example of the “crazy ex-girlfriend”.

36 1 Cloverfield Lane (16)

37 The Man Who Never Was (56)

38 * To Die For (95) - This was a super fave of Teen Emily, who definitely identified with the Lydia character. Watching this time was a huge reminder than Illeana Douglas is a goddamn national treasure.

39 Trouble In Paradise (32)

40 Eraser (96)

41 * Flashdance (83)

42 * Notting Hill (99)

43 Gone to Earth (50) - Not the best Powell and Pressburger out there, but one takes what one can get, right?

44 Holiday Camp (47)

45 Never Sleep Again (10) - This is a four-hour doc about the entire Nightmare on Elm St series, and is the reason I watched Freddy’s Revenge a couple of movies down the list. It’s not a series that I have a particular attachment to, so I learned a ton.

46 Clouds of Sils Maria (15)

47 Mommie Dearest (81) - I’m not sure that I have enough appreciation for high camp to really get into this. There were some moments, but overall it’s a fine example of the kind of thing that is Not For Me.

48 Nightmare on Elm St: Freddy’s Revenge (85)

49 Inside Man (06)

50 Trainwreck (15)

51 White God (14)

52 * Sleepwalk With Me (12)

53 Amy (15)

54 * Meatballs (79)

55 Everybody Wants Some!! (16) - I found this a huge disappointment, and I’ve been a bit mystified by its positive reviews and inclusion on critics’ end of year lists. While D&C definitely has a “main character”, and we do follow him and his friends, other people and subsets of the high school are given serious time and consideration. Ultimately, I don’t think following this one dude tripping through a bunch of different college subsets was as illuminating. Plus, weak jokes.

56 * Dazed & Confused (93) - had to cleanse the mind-palate by watching the original!

57 Summertime (55)

58 The Money Pit (86)

59 Zombeavers (14)

60 Mistress America (15) - I am finding Greta Gerwig more and more charming, the more I see of her. Greta, let’s be friends!

61 While We’re Young (14)

62 The Invitation (16) - quite effective, very upper-middle-class bohemian LA horror film. I’ve heard some complaints about the final scene, but I thought it was an effective & clever way to show an expanding scope without an extra expense or sets.

63 End of Days (99)

64 Escape From New York (81)

65 Escape from L.A. (96) - Watched these two together, on the same night. They definitely should NOT be watched that way, given how identical the plots are. Unbelievably terrible ’96-era CGI in the second one, hard to believe that Jurassic Park was three years previous?? Gotta get that Spielberg money, am I right?

66 High Rise (16) - my only real disappointment in this movie was not being around to see the decline of the civilization - we jump straight from things being fine (if weird) and everything gone to heck. My favourite part is the decline, give me decline!

67 The Great Outdoors (88)

68 * Catch Me If You Can (02)

69 Little Darlings (80) - just your classic losing-virginity-at-camp story, but…wait for it….with GIRLS.

70 * Good Will Hunting (97)

71 Popstar (16) - diminishing returns, but some funny bits (mostly in the songs, not surprisingly).

72 Tarzan (16) - watched this with friends and relatives, at a drive-in theatre a couple of days after my wedding! It’s NOT a good movie, but it was a fun time.

73 Love & Friendship (16) - got completely obsessed with Tom Bennett based on his 100% rate of scene-stealing in this film. Sevigny feels utterly out of place - am I capable of seeing her in a period piece set before, say, 1975 without feeling weird about it?

74 The Night Before (15)

75 Ghostbusters (16) - So I know I was supposed to be charmed by Kate McKinnon, but her schtick just doesn’t work on me, for whatever reason. I was also really frustrated by the final fight scene of this movie - it had obviously been hacked up in editing, and wtf is up with punching ghosts instead of containing them? I’m glad this movie happened, and certainly a great deal of the criticism it came in for was deeply unfair, but it was distinctly disappointing to find that this movie just wasn’t that great.

76 Brooklyn (15)

77 Poltergeist (82)

78 * Before Sunrise (95)

79 Love & Basketball (00) - Effusive praise for this movie somehow came to my attention from all over the place this year, so I finally had to watch it.

80 The Man Who Knew Too Much (56)

81 * Road House (89)

82 Carol (15) - watching this FINALLY allowed me to fully participate in Today’s Meme Culture

83 * Out of Sight (98)

84 Happy Texas (99)

85 Red Rock West (93)

86 Weiner Dog (15)

87 The Trouble With Harry (55)

88 * When Harry Met Sally (89)

89 Jungle Fever (91)

90 Ocean’s 11 (01)

91 Star Trek Beyond (16)

92 Two For the Road (67)

93 * Seven Year Itch (55)

94 Maggie’s Plan (15) - like I said earlier about Greta Gerwig? I liked this one even more than Mistress.

95 The Dish (00)

96 Splash (84)

97 Desk Set (57) - watching this and the next were inspired by stumbling across a blog about depictions of librarians on film. I particularly hit on this one because I’ve always wanted to see a Hepburne/Tracy film, and never had (to my memory, anyhow).

98 Party Girl (95) - one of those movies I’d always noticed on the shelves at the video store, and never actually watched it.

99 * Young Frankenstein (74) - saw this in the theatre, Gene Wilder notwithstanding I…..don’t think it’s good. It’s only extremely intermittently funny, you guys! Plus, the Putting’ on the Ritz bit makes me uncomfortable (especially in audio-only form, which I heard TOO many times after Wilder died).

100 The House of the Devil (09)

101* The Witches of Eastwick (87)

102 The Borning (81)

103 * Shaun of the Dead (04)

104 Dolores Claiborne (95)

105 The Conjuring 2 (13)

106 In a Valley of Violence (16) - definitely watched this because I happened across an article about the movie’s dog star.

107 The Witch (16) - very effective in getting across the supernatural, natural, and social dangers of early puritan America, and Black Philip has entered my idiolect for any creepy animal/person/twitter feed.

108 * Wayne’s World (92)

109 What if (13) - riffs on When Harry Met Sally’s fundamental question of women and men being friends, and basically comes to the same conclusion. yawn.

110 The Martian (15) - I read the book as part of a book club last year, and finally got around to watching the film. Since I found the worst of the writing in the book to be those passages dealing with description, the movie was a lot less annoying to experience.

111 Sleepless in Seattle (93)

112 * Thelma & Louise (91)

113 Casino (95)

114 Other People (16) - wept several times. GOSH I love Jesse Plemons, he’s so hugely sympathetic. Would watch in virtually anything.

115 The Life & Death of Colonel Blimp (43)

116 Primary Colors (98)

117 Edge of Seventeen (16)

118 *Die Hard (88) - loaded up the laptop with this and the next four xmas-set movies, for watching on planes and in airports, while we were on the road at christmastime.

119 *Batman Returns (92)

120 *Scrooged (88)

121 * The Apartment (60)

Theatre - 5

Drive-in - 1

All the rest at home or at friends’ homes!

TV SERIES

*The Office US S2-3

War & Peace (2016) - you bet your BOOTS I started the book after watching this. Did I finish it? Not even close.

Love (2016)

Better Call Saul S2 - this is a show I enjoy while I’m watching it, but I don’t particularly find it memorable. Why? Who knows. It’s still something I look forward to, but not a show that sticks with me.

Great British Bake off *S1, *S2, S7 + Xmas Specials - a eulogy for Bake-Off as it was. Pour one (pint of double cream, that is) out for what once was.

Broad City S5

Travel Man S1, S2 - I find Richard Ayoade so desperately charming, but ever time I’ve watched one of the movies he’s directed, I’ve ended up disappointed. This show is a bit hit or miss, depending on the guests he brings along, and the episodes definitely have a sameness to them, but if you find this guy even a sliver as entertaining as I do, it’ll pull you along anyhow.

The Night Manager - so looking forward to Hugh Laurie’s upcoming career phase as Bond Villain.

Cooked

Newsradio S1-S3 - I’d seen an episode or two of this over the years but never sat down to fully appreciate it. It’s making me miss Phil Hartman all over again, a fresh devastation, plus haha did u know Tone Loc plays a security guard on this show? It’s all true.

Lady Dynamite

OJ Made In America - I’ll count this as a series, since I didn’t watch it in the theatre. Still haven’t seen the other big OJ series of 2016, but I loved loved LOVED this. What impressed me the most is that, in spite of its 7 hour+ running time there were still aspects of this story that could have been expanded upon.

Silicon Valley S3

* Veep S1, S2

Catastrophe S2

Pulling - went back in time to get more Sharon Horgan in my life, since Catastrophe seasons are terribly short and far-between. I’d been aware of this show for a long time, and somehow wasn’t expecting it to be as near-devastating as it ended up being. What, did I forget what a British show was like?

Another Period S2

Difficult People S1, S2 - Another late discovery, but a great one. A fine example of just giving some funny people a show, and letting them just do their thing on it every week.

Fleabag - yes, I’m in for this, obviously. And if I wasn’t, the show designed itself to put me off, from the first moments. A wise move!

One Mississippi

Very British Problems S1, S2

Atlanta - I’ve got a bad feeling that this show’s deserved success will lead to surreal elements being deployed, but much less deftly than they were here.

Please Like Me S1-S4 - Tore through this entire series greedily, am now suffering until they make another season. Balances some very harrowing elements with comedy and an ensemble cast of loveable/terrible humans.

Divorce - Sharon Horgan’s writing minus her acting is a hollow empty shell, but hey, I’ll take what I can get, when I can get it.

The Fall S3 - I’d decided last year after S2 that I was done with this show, and yet, here we are, I was drawn back in.

The Crown

Insecure

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flauntpage · 6 years

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Who Replaces Bryan Colangelo?

It’s over.

Lord have mercy. I’m just glad we’re moving this thing forward.

If you listened to yesterday’s press conference with Brett Brown and Josh Harris, you heard them say that there will be no hard deadline on the hiring of a new general manager. One month? Six weeks? Who knows.

In my mind, I think you give yourself 4-5 weeks to get this done, which would allow Brown to run the draft process, then cede free agency and contract negotiations to the new player-personnel executive, who comes in during the first week of July. I don’t know if there’s enough time to conduct a proper search and make a choice by July 1st, but this is priority number one. You gotta get it started and finished right now, and you bet your arse people are lining up to take a job where you would be overseeing two superstar players with a good chunk of assets and plenty of cap room.

The Sixers’ GM role is very attractive.

Here’s a list of names that come to mind:

David Griffin

Griffin is the former Cleveland GM, the trendy pick because of his relationship with LeBron James. The thought is that you bring him in, he brings LeBron in, and the winning commences.

And before I go any further, I think you have to define what you’re looking for in a GM. Do you want a guy who can lure superstar free agents, someone with connections? Or do you think LeBron and Paul George are making their decisions based solely on the players and the coach? I think it’s the latter, though the former does help. If I’m a free agent looking for a new team, I’m thinking, “hmm.. yes… I would like to earn $25 million playing alongside Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons.”

Or – do you look for an assistant GM who is worthy of promotion and keep building for the long term? Do you carry this thing forward with a long view or go for broke right now? It’s something to think about.

Anyway, back to Griffin, who spent just three years in Cleveland, coming to Ohio in 2014 after many years in Phoenix, serving as “senior vice president of basketball operations” before taking the Cavs’ gig. They won a title during his time at the helm, though the list of moves he made does have some question marks.

For starters, he fired Mike Brown and brought in David Blatt, who didn’t work out in Cleveland despite starting 30-11 in his second season. Blatt eventually gave way to Tyronn Lue. Griffin drafted Andrew Wiggins, then executed the trade that sent Wiggins to Minnesota and Kevin Love to Cleveland. Philly was a third party in the deal. He later kickstarted a struggling team when he shipped out Dion Waiters, Alex Kirk, Lou Amundson, and a 2nd round pick for Iman Shumpert, JR Smith, and a protected first rounder. He sent that pick and another first rounder to Denver for Timofey Mozgov. Smith and Tristan Thompson later got long term deals.

If you bring Griffin in, and assuming LeBron comes with him, that’s what you’re getting – a “win now” type of mentality with some risk. The timeline shrinks. You’re looking at more dodgy moves to try to get that title sooner rather than later, while possibly jeopardizing long term stability.

So if that’s your thing, a ring at any cost, the Griffin/LeBron strategy is your kind of move.

Sam Hinkie

Here’s the thing with Hinkie – if you want him to come back, is it because you truly feel like he’s the right guy for the job? Or does sentimentality influence the thought process? Does Hinkie’s cult-hero status bring along feelings of nostalgia?

I asked that question on Twitter and here’s a sampling of the response:

I do because I think his whole process was leading to this summer. I don’t think he would have taken fultz. It was about getting the pieces in play and signing 1 or 2 free agents. This was the off-season he did the tank for

— Brian Fioretti (@Instigatorz889) June 8, 2018

If anything, the question might be does he deserve to see it through? For process believers, the answer is yes. There’s no evidence to suggest he will or will not be a good GM for a team developing current talent.

— Vince Piotti (@vincepiotti) June 8, 2018

I think Hinkie is a victim of his success—there are no more Vlade Divac types to fleece, and the Hinkie special contracts alienated agents. And the completion phase of the process requires different skills from the asset-accumulation phase.

— Michael Riccardi (@MAR1962) June 8, 2018

Did Hinkie deserve a chance to see this through? I don’t know. I wasn’t on the beat back then, but the Sixers were compiling talent and turning the corner slowly. I think that was apparent. The knock was always this idea that Hinkie was excellent at tearing it down, acquiring assets, and starting the rebuild, but did he have the skills to negotiate with agents and lure star players to town? Was he enough of a “basketball” guy or was he a corny “data” guy?

I don’t know. I have no clue. I don’t think anybody really knows.

But you can’t just say, “yay Hinkie! let’s complete the process!” You have to remove emotion from it. You have to axe the sentimentality. If the players trust Hinkie and have a good relationship, fine, but so what? Is that going to make Embiid cut down on his turnovers? Probably not.

The gig is different than the one Hinkie left two years ago. We don’t have any proof that he can finish the job, but there’s also nothing suggesting he can’t get it done. Personally, I just feel like the ship has sailed. The Hinkie story is written in stone, and I could see the NBA getting salty and combative again if the Sixers wanted to down that road. I think you’ve just gotta turn the page on Sam and let it be. Bringing him back would just reignite the BS conflict between pro-Process and anti-Process fans, and we’re trying to move this thing forward, not relive all of that.

Marc Eversley

Promote from within?

Eversley is the Sixers’ Vice President of Player Personnel dating back two years now. He held a similar role under Colangelo in Toronto and eventually left that post to take a “Vice President of Scouting” gig with the Wizards.

He held that job from 2013 to 2016 under longtime President Ernie Grunfeld and VP Tommy Sheppard. During that span, Washington drafted Otto Porter and Jerian Grant and Kelly Oubre and hired Scott Brooks as head coach. They assembled a pretty good core that has probably underachieved over the years.

It’s hard to say how much of a role Eversley played in all of that, or with Raptors’ moves from 2006 to 2013. But there’s no lack of experience there. Eversley has been around the league for 12+ seasons now and held significant jobs along the way. I don’t know if people view him as a guy who comes from the “Colangelo tree” per se, since he spent a lot of time with him in Toronto and came to Philly to work with him. I don’t know if there’s a stigma attached, or if people think he learned from Colangelo and would be the same type of executive. I don’t think that’s the case, and I think fans and media would probably create some separation there, but it certainly doesn’t help his case. The Colangelo connection feels like an unfortunate sidebar. I’d hope people wouldn’t lump him in there and just treat him as his own person.

As for the other Sixers’ player-personnel executives, I think Ned Cohen might get an interview, but he doesn’t have as much team-specific experience as Eversley. He was the NBA’s Associate VP of Basketball Operations before coming to Philly, so his resume is more league-oriented, obviously. Alex Rucker, the VP of Analytics and Strategy, would probably be third in line behind Eversley and Cohen. I think some companies do the formal thing where you interview your own people with no intent to promote them, but you go through the process anyway and everybody gets the experience of doing a run through for future interviews.

Gersson Rosas

Rosas is working alongside Daryl Morey as the Rockets’ Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations

He had a brief, three month stint in Dallas with Donnie Nelson but came back to Houston after disputes over his role with the team. Rosas also has GM experience running the Rocket’s G-League affiliate.

From his linkedin page:

“In addition to his duties with the Rockets, Rosas previously served as the General Manager of the Rio Grande Valley Vipers, which is Houston’s single-affiliation NBA Development League partner. In his four full seasons as Rio Grande Valley’s GM, the Vipers won NBA D-League Championships in the 2009-10 and 2012-13 seasons, while reaching three D-League Finals in four years.”

Morey is well-respected around the league, so it’s only natural that one of the guys who works closely with him would be a popular name. Rosas was a candidate for the Hornets gig that went to Mitch Kupchak. He also apparently removed himself from consideration for the Pistons’ GM job.

Rosas could have taken a better gig at this point in his career, so it seems like he’s calculated in making the right decision moving forward. The Sixers’ job is attractive, much more than Detroit or Charlotte, yes? When you look at how Morey has assembled that Houston team, and the fact that a Chris Paul injury probably made the difference in a title vs. a game 7 conference finals loss, you’d have to say that there’s a pedigree and a “winning culture” that Rosas is attached to.

Mike Zarren

Danny Ainge fan? How about approaching his assistant general manager?

This would be a very Rosas-esque hiring, bringing in the #2 from a winning club.

Zarren is another “unpaid intern to executive” story. He’s a Boston guy and a former season ticket holder and blah blah blah. So the question is whether dude even has any desire to leave in the first place, or just assume the top dog role when Ainge moves on. When does that happen? How long would Zarren be okay with being second-in-command? What if that goes on and on and on?

He was there when Ainge pulled off the blockbuster move with the Nets in 2013. He was there when Ainge got an extra first rounder out of the Sixers and still wound up with Jayson Tatum. He knows how to build a strong roster and keep things moving forward.

For what it’s worth Zarren reportedly had the Sixers’ gig offered to him back in 2013, but declined:

“I don’t know all the details, but I know there was strong interest in Mike from Philly,” president of basketball operations Danny Ainge told the Boston Herald at the NBA Draft Combine in Chicago. “I don’t know why (he turned it down). You’ll have to ask him.”

Zarren is an advanced statistics guy with some Hinkie similarities. But he’s also been around the block and probably wouldn’t have any issue with agent relations or contract negotiations or the human side of things.

If he turned down the gig back then, I don’t know if he’d want it now, unless you’re sold on the core of Embiid/Simmons and ready to move out of Ainge’s shadow and into your own spotlight.

Brian Wright

Wright is the Spurs’ assistant GM and has been in the role since 2016.

He didn’t cross paths with Brown there, but the common thought is that anyone related to the Spurs and R.C. Buford is a worthy hire. Wright is in his mid-thirties, a relatively young guy who doesn’t have a ton of experience, so his candidacy would be a long-shot I’d think.

Danny Ferry

I know, I know, the incident with the racist language from a few years back. That might be a total non-starter in and of itself, then you consider that the Sixers are coming off a scandal of their own. It would be terrible optics. (FYI Ferry was eventually cleared).

But there’s a track record of success and a Brett Brown connection dating back to the San Antonio days. There’s this from 2016:

Sources: Sixers have been discussing two possible candidates to share "partnership" with Hinkie: Bryan Colangelo and Danny Ferry.

— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) April 7, 2016

And this from 2012:

Sources also say that Danny Ferry and the Sixers is very real too… talks on going

— Steve Kyler (@stevekylerNBA) June 16, 2012

There were flirtations with Ferry in the past. I don’t know if the incident from a few years back disqualifies him from the start, but it’s probably a risky road to go down.

Joe Dumars

I’m only listing him here for the sake of conversation. I don’t see him popping up on a lot of other lists. Stephen A. brought up his name this morning on First Take, and after initially laughing, I sort of came back around and said “hmm…”

Here’s the thing, Dumars built the 2004 title-winning Pistons squad, a team that went to the Eastern Conference finals six straight years. They won 73 playoff games during his tenure. I think his name popped up as a candidate for the Hawks’ GM job a year ago, but otherwise you don’t hear a lot about him these days.

He did have a lot of clunkers, too. Darko Milicic? Rodney White? Trading Chauncey Billups? Huge deals for Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva? He also went through coaches in rapid fire fashion.

Not inspiring, but listen, those Pistons teams of the aughts were pretty damn good. It’s something to think about if you’re okay with a “retread” type of hire.

Time’s yours.

The post Who Replaces Bryan Colangelo? appeared first on Crossing Broad.

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pixope-blog · 7 years

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Hack Payday 2

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There will be an item incredibly evocative about these instances the sport certainly markets the heist fantasy as you and your associates coolly evaluate the padding and security alarms systems of what business it s you intend to ransack a capture ready to planting season. |contrary belonging to the hidden rooms that bound everybody, phoning police force. The places you actually are defending have many different exits, floor surfaces and entrances, and then there are some things about patiently waiting into your given entrance, relying upon Even when you take a eager gang of accomplices, you need to do something about the vision pick display screen. created node to the satellite photograph from a town. Bear in mind my not silent sufficient silencer within your standard bank rooftop? I m equipped to afford to pay a lot better single in respect the renovations list, it I think about it an exceptionally advantageous rank. 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