#which is like. trauma im trying to get over (its hard when you live with them tho el oh el)

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

For nosy anon thingy:

32: what words upset you the most?

oh boy. probably anything in which someone implies i dont care or that im a bad person (or saying im acting like one of my parents. id rather you killed me)

nosy asks

#camera asks #Anonymous #ty for the ask <3 #this was a tough one. basically anything that comes from my parents about me makes me upset but </3 #also i think this all stems from like. my parents telling me i wasnt a nice person and that they always tell me im in the wrong. #which is like. trauma im trying to get over (its hard when you live with them tho el oh el) #but ANyways!! this was fun feel free to send more asks yall <3

[disruptivevoib]

Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

#chonnys charming chaos compendium #chonny jash #voidthoughts #i know the album is interpretive!! but i also think it is crucial that we dont pin any one of them down as villains or anything #that like while hms are all flawed and cruel to one another they ultimately are also victims of themselves its #its the like culprit and victim motif #the “you're doing this to yourself and you shouldn't feel you have to do that” #internal communication with yourself. learning kindness and humility and whatnot is very important!! #thats all

[ot3]

I mean this in entirely good faith, I promise, but I'd love to hear the "shortcomings" you think those shows have

she ra i mostly just found boring i don't think i could point to a single thing it did (out of what i watched, that is. i didn't finish the show) that i found to be an objectionable writing choice, but it just didn't do anything to keep my interest. which is a shame because i went into it REALLY excited!!! i had long been a fan of nimona so hearing that ND stevenson was getting the chance to make a cartoon i was SO prepared to be all over it. and i watched it and it all just fell pretty flat for me

steven universe and the owl house i feel like are shows with some pretty major structural issues. i really think they try to have their cake and eat it in terms of episodic moments vs overarching series narratives that are kind of at odds with each other.

with steven universe i feel like this manifested in some pretty bizarre tonal whiplash that prevented either of the shows angles from sticking its landing. i think if steven universe had either been an epic space opera about a kid inheriting his mother's war, it would have fucking banged. i think if steven universe had been a more slice-of-life oriented show about a boy coming of age by realizing he's sort of the living manifestation of the war trauma of the people around him and learning to navigate and help people heal from that through fantastical, alien super-powered twists on mundane life that would have banged in a completely different way. but as it stands i think trying to do both at the same time detracted from the overall experience.

it feels weird to have them fucking around at the barn when there is something that is going to literally hatch from the earth's crust like an egg and destroy the entire planet and theyre just ignoring it. it feels weird in a different way to have them visit an alien zoo full of human beings and know that the structure of the show means we will absolutely not be taking the time to fully unpack that one. for me this cognitive dissonance really reached its peak an episode where steven explicitly calls his mother a war criminal, but that was a throwaway line because the A plot was that lars, the guy who works at the donut shop, bakes as a hobby and is embarrassed by that. to be perfectly clear i don't think it's impossible to balance more mundane slice of life moments with big adventures to combat existential threats. but whatever that balance looks like is not what steven universe was doing

the owl house on the other hand i don't feel like was ever really willing to commit to a particular vibe long enough to get invested in it. it's trying to be a show about a girl who is a witch's apprentice, but that doesn't really feel quite fully realized because it's also trying to be a show about a Magic School, but we don't spend enough time at the Magic School to get invested in that setting as a framework for the character interactions and narrative events, but then it also starts trying to be this big adventure/questing show. and then before too long luz is the one teaching magic to everyone else? it refuses to really commit to any one thing it's trying and just kind of throws everything at you with out actually getting to spend time with its concepts

in general i also think luz was a weak protagonist. in terms of writing. i think she wasnt given enough meaningful flaws, didn't make enough mistakes, and didn't really have to learn any hard lessons or make decisions that fundamentally went against who she thought she was. her whole thing is basically being Nerdy and Kinda Weird which i think is kind of an outdated substitute for meaningful character writing in the current zeitgeist. im sure she is an absolutely fantastic power fantasy for a lot of 12 year old girls who consider reading books to be their main personality trait and i absolutely do not fault that for existing. i think that's a critical thing to exist and all those 12 year olds really deserve it. but it has no appeal to me as an adult woman who has grown out of that phase, yknow?

i feel like once again the comparison to akko from little witch academia invites itself very easily, and anne from amphibia too, which was also a disney teen girl isekai airing at the same time. i loved both of those two as protags a ton and i think its because they really fumbled repeatedly and went through the wringer in a way luz didn't

#long post

[whitneysgang2019]

You Remind Me of Her

Spike Spiegel x Fem Reader SMUT

Watched and finished Cowboy BeBop and thought it was pretty good. Which means it's time to write an angsty, smutty one shot. It's a really, REALLY long one so settle in. Things get a lil spicy in more ways than one but it's all good. Spike is a sweet, broken baby and he deserves all the love. Minor's this is NOT for you, please walk away. Enjoy my dears.

WARNING: 18+, Minors DNI, SPOILERS, TRIGGER WARNINGS: angst, heated conversations/arguments, smoking, talk of past traumas, slight gaslighting, STRONG mentions of past abuse, breakdown, angst to fluff, reconciliation, reassurance, soft foreplay, fingering, oral (m receiving), comfort sex (p in v), praise kink if you squint, all the lovey-dovey stuff, cum on body, cuddles.

It was supposed to be a quiet night, with Jet out looking for info on a bounty, Faye blowing all her money at the casino, and Ed and Ein on some wacky adventure of their own. You figured you'd have the Bebop to yourself and that Spike would tag along with another one of your comrades. But being the stubborn man he is, he stayed back, wanting some time to himself as well. For a good bit of the night, you both kept to yourselves, he took a cat nap, and you cleaned up the Bebop.

While you were cleaning the kitchen you thought you might try and spend some time with Spike rather than avoid him, seeing as it might come off as rude if you ignored him. After you finished cleaning you put on some comfy clothes in place of your work ones and made your way to the living space. You saw Spike was still lightly sleeping on the couch. You gently bumped his leg, jolting him awake from his dream. He furrowed his brows as he looked over to you.

"Was that really necessary?" he grumbled, annoyed that you woke him. You chuckled to yourself as you sat on the floor next to him, now being at eye level with him. Telling him he shouldn't sleep the entire day away in hopes to lighten his mood. That only seemed to make things worse though. He gave an exasperated sigh as he sat up and pulled a cigarette from his shirt pocket. He blatantly stated that he didn't want to be woken up and that he would've preferred to keep sleeping. You furrowed your brows,

"Well there's no need to be a jerk about it," you pulled yourself up from the floor. You looked at him and crossed your arms, wanting him to talk about what was bugging him, even though you never outright said it. He looked at you with bitter-cold eyes,

"Well maybe if you left me alone there wouldn't be an issue," he spat as he flicked his lighter and took a few puffs until the end burned a bright orange. You sighed heavily, your fingers gripped the sleeve of your shirt to keep yourself calm and collected,

"Im sorry if I bothered you, I just wanted to spend some time with you. Feels like its been a long time since the two of us spent any time together and just hung out you know ."

You two weren't super close, but close enough to where you'd hang out, talk, and occasionally hook up to pass the time. You both knew it would never lead to anything, but you stupidly developed feelings for the floofy-haired man anyways. You wanted to be the one to support him. But he never really showed interest in having a relationship with you, or anyone for that matter. The only time he showed any interest in anything was when his past was brought up, and especially when a certain someone was mentioned. It was those moments where he would either would open up or close off completely. And at that moment you could tell he was thinking about her and his past as he exhaled a cloud of smoke, clearly irritated with you.

"Yeah, and?" He didn't look at you when he asked. You felt the heat of anger and resentment rise in your cheeks, finding it hard to keep your composure.

"And I thought we could spend a little bit of time together, is that such a heinous request," you spat back at him.

"Whenever you want to 'spend time together' it usually means you wanna sleep with me, and im gonna pass on that." Your arms fell to your sides and clenched into fists. You took an audibly deep sigh,

"Believe it or not I don't always wanna sleep with you, sometimes I do just want to talk," you rebutted. He took another puff, and exhaled heavily, still not making eye contact with you,

"Heh, could've fooled me," he mumbled, the cigarette never leaving his lips as he spoke. You scoffed in disbelief and crossed your arms over your chest once again, scowling at him. Spike had always been a bit snarky, it seemed it was just in his nature, but the comment he made was pure spite.

"For the love of Christ what the hell is your problem?"

He adjusted to a position where he was slouching and one arm rested crossed on his thigh, while the other reached for his half-smoked cigarette,

"I already told you," he said before taking in another long, exasperated drag. You rolled your eyes at his dramatics,

"Don't give me that bullshit Spike, we both know that's not true," you bitterly spat.

You both were getting visibly frustrated at that point. Spike's leg began to lightly bounce up and down and your fingers tapped against your arms.

"Even if something was bothering me it's none of your goddamn business," he said finishing his cigarette and putting it out in the ashtray beside him.

"Spike, please, I just wanna-" you were cut off by Spike standing up abruptly, now fuming with anger in his eyes,

"Fine, since you wanna know so fuckin' badly I'll tell you! When I sleep, I'm never at peace with myself, if it's not one thing from my past it's another. Not that you would understand." He said sitting back down, defeated and frustrated. You sat next to him, hoping he would allow you to comfort him,

"I might understand it more than you think," you said as you reached for his hand, only for him to pull away.

"No, you don't understand. You don't understand what it's like to lose the one person who loved you for what you were, even though they knew you were inherently bad. You'll never know what it's like to have to just walk away from the life you knew and the people you loved and cared about. You'll never know what that's like, ever." Angered by his remark you rebutted,

"You have no right to say that whatsoever when you know very little of what my past was like. Not once have ever implied that kind of attitude towards your past and what you experienced. Do not say I don't understand, because, believe it or not I do know what it's like " you said getting up and preparing to leave the room.

"You're the one who just had to push. This is what you wanted to know, and you got what you asked for," he snapped as stepped in front of you, blocking your way to the exit.

"At least I'm not a hypocrite. How you always say that we should let our pasts stay in the past. But as soon as she's brought up that philosophy is out the window and is suddenly the only thing that fucking matters. But when it's one of us it shouldn't be bothered with and we should leave it alone and move on. Just because she keeps popping up in your dreams doesn't mean we get to put everything on hold to chase after you chasing after her," you said as you struggled to push him aside to make your way to the bathroom, but he remained still.

"At least I still care about the people in my past. I didn't just up and leave and abandon the people I loved because I wanted to. That's the difference between you and me, I was loyal to the ones I loved-" Before he could get another word in you slapped him, hard. Tears began to swell and threatened to fall from your eyes as he brought his hand to his face and attempted to rub the sting out of his cheek. But you would never let him see them, not like this.

"How dare you? You have no right to bring that up. Because you don't know the whole story of what happened. And I didn't abandon them, if we're going to bring up abandonment, Julia is a perfect example. She abandoned you, Spike, and if she really gave a damn about you she would've showed up that day and ran away with you. But she didn't. So, as you always say, let it go and move on," you said, pushing him as hard as you could, finally getting him to move aside. He stared at you in awe as you made your way to the door,

"She would've never abandoned me," he stated lightly as he reached for another cigarette.

"Could've fooled me," you replied harshly as you exited the room and made your way down the hall to the bathroom.

You slammed the door and locked it behind you, you took a deep breath as you made your way to the tub. You turned the knobs and let the water fill the porcelain vessel. Tears began to fall as the water ran, drowning out the sounds of your stifled cries. The feeling of guilt set in the pit of your stomach as memories began to flood your mind. Particularly the ones that were brought up in the argument.

You sank down in the steaming water, shuddering at the warmth that rushed through your body while pondering on the past. Tears continuing to stain your face as you wondered deeper into your thoughts.

You were part of a family at one point in time, to a home where a couple took in lost, orphaned, or abandoned children. During the early years of being there you never felt the need to run away on or be your own, you always felt incredibly safe and secure. You helped out around the house, did your chores, and got along well enough with your housemates. Until you got a little older, and then things began to change. Your father began acting differently toward you, more aggressive and irritable. And it only got worse after his wife passed away unexpectedly. He would start taking his aggression out on you and some of the of the other girls living in the home. It started off small, whether it was pushing you aside harshly or random flicks on the head to keep you in line. Then it progressed in to hitting, manhandling, and kicking while you were doing chores or playing with the other kids. It was to the point where it was everyday that the abuse took place. You and a few of your housemates were bruised, bloodied and beaten to the point of unconsciousness, while other housemates were used for more sinister acts. Anyone who fought back was either beaten senseless and kicked out, or never seen again. No matter what it was something would set him off and he would go into uncontrollable rages, and you had no choice but to take the beatings. You were young, defenseless, and had nowhere else to go, therefore you had no choice but to endure the constant abuse.

Until one day you found your out.

You were able to save back enough woolongs from odd jobs to get a one way trip off world, but you alone. Woolongs were hard to come by in the household and being able to build up what you had seemed like a miracle in itself. You planned to make your escape late into the night, after everyone was asleep, and taking only what you needed to survive.

When the time came you were quick and quiet about it. Woolongs and suitcase in hand, you quietly walked down the stairs and out the front door. You looked behind you saddened and guilt coursing through your entire bod. You wanted to bring them all with you and give them a better life. but unfortunately it just wasn't possible. Tears streamed down your face as you struggled to go forward. But you found the strength deep within you and walked away, never looking back after. The memories of your housemates flooded your mind as you made your way on the ship alone, blocking out all the sounds of the station. You found yourself a seat and watched as the ship began to take off, and you looked down on that planet for the last time.

You submerged yourself under the water, hoping it would help shake off the memories of that dreadful place. As much as you hated to admit it, you and Spike were similar when it came to your pasts, but you both reacted much differently from one another. You would find yourself entranced in fear and guilt, afraid that you made the wrong decision or that you didn't try hard enough to help yourself and those who you left behind. Remembering the abuse you endured, as well as being reminded of emotional and mental scars that were left for you to carry.

Reemerging from the lukewarm water for air, you couldn't handle the thoughts that were running rampant in your head. The quiet tears that had been falling now turned to violent sobs of anguish. You couldn't hold it in, after all the time that had passed, you couldn't find the strength hold it back anymore. It hurt to think about it, to think that you turned your back on them, even though you didn't have any other choice.

After you rode out your breakdown you finished your bath and pulled yourself up and out of the tub. Grabbing a towel you wrapped your body up and went to the sink to wash your face. Looking in the a mirror, a red, swollen, puffy eyed face looked back at you. Sighing heavily you splashed cold water on your face, hoping it would help with the redness and swelling.

After drying off and putting your clothes back on you looked at yourself again, still puffy and red. It seemed it was going to be a bit before it went back to normal.

Slipping quietly out of the bathroom you made your way across the ship to your room. You let yourself fall back onto the bed, hoping you'd just crash, and you that's exactly what you did.

...

Weeks passed since the argument between the two of you. Neither one saying much to the other during that time. You both tried your best to not think about what happened, ignoring the nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. You were courteous when you interacted with him, which hadn't been often. Whether it was during missions or at meal time. You could tell it was bothering him though, he wanted you to say something, anything, to be angry and upset with the way he spoke to you that night. But you felt it was best to move on from it rather than bringing it back up and continue a senseless conversation.

It had been a hard day for you, you lost a bounty and Jet had been harping on you to keep up with the rest of the gang, seeing as you'd been slipping behind lately. During those weeks you spent most of your time in your room laying in bed crying, overthinking, and sleeping, so you didn't get as much training in as you should. You didn't want to cause a fuss with your shipmates thought so you kept to yourself and tried to do your best to get through your fragile state. But Jet being the kind of man he was, he could see right through you,

"I don't know what's going on between you and Spike, but you gotta figure that shit out and get your head back in the game Y/N," he said as you were traveling back to your room after returning from the failed mission. You gave him a sadden expression,

"I know, I'm sorry Jet, I just need to get some things figured out before I talk to him is all. But don't worry about me, I'll be ok, really ," you said giving him sad eyes with a forced smile. He gave you a sympathetic expression and put his metallic hand on your shoulder giving you a pat of reassurance,

"I hope so kid, if you ever need anything I'm here for ya. Just get back to being the Y/N we know and love, ok?"

You pulled him into a quick but loving hug, fighting the urge to cry,

"Thank you Jeb, you're the best." Pulling away you gave him an appreciative smile and made your way to your room, not realizing a certain someone had overheard the interaction.

...

You spent the rest of the day in your room, cleaning up and reorganizing to keep your mind busy, but when you couldn't clean or reorganize anymore you stripped down and crawled into bed. Though it was difficult, you were finally able to drift off to sleep.

There was a loud banging on your door that caused you to jolt up from your slumber, groaning in frustration you wrapped yourself in your blanket, pulled yourself out of bed, and walked to the door. A stoic Spike was waiting on the other side when you opened up,

"Hey," you said still half asleep. You looked at him groggily, he was shirtless and in a pair of light grey sweats, but you didn't pay too much attention to his attire considering the circumstances. He grunted lightly and pushed past you into your room, almost knocking you down. Sighing deeply you closed the door behind you and followed him into your room. He sat down at the foot of you bed while you walked to the head and sat, putting some distance between you both.

"It's late Spike," you said while fiddling with the blanket that clung to your body.

"Yeah, " he replied while flicking his lighter on and off. A bit of silence passed until you spoke up, your breath getting caught in your throat while asking,

"Why are you here?"

"I wanna talk," he stated in a whisper. Spike adjusted so he was now sitting cross legged on the bed and pulled a cigarette out from his pant pocket,

"You mind?" You shook your head in response, knowing it wouldn't matter if you did. Once he lit his lighter and took a puff the room began to fill with smoke, and a stoic expression fell on his face once again.

"What did you wanna talk about," you asked while turning your face the other way as to not inhale the smoke directly. He grumbled at your question, holding back what he wanted to say. It took some time, but after a few more grumbles and mutters to himself he finally spoke,

"About that night, when we argued," your head snapped back in his direction, unsure and anxious of where the conversation was headed.

"I've been thinking a lot about what was said from both of us, but mostly what I said. And even though a lot of the things that were said were true, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the things I said and how I treated you. It wasn't right of me to do that" he said gritting the cigarette between his teeth. You frowned,

"What do you mean by that?"

"What?"

"What do you mean by a lot of things that were said were true," you pried at him as you clutched the blanket. The smoke in the room was getting heavy and you began to cough, he sighed and put the cigarette out, seeing as it was clearly bothering you.

"What I mean is that some of what you said was true, like how I always run after her when I get even the slightest hint of where she is. And that whenever anything is brought it becomes the only thing that matters. It's one of those things I can't explain," he said falling back on to the bed. Your body relaxed, you looked at him as he laid there, lost in thought and an expression of confliction. You were about to speak, but he beat you to it,

"And I feel bad about what I said to you. It wasn't fair of me to assume what happened, and throwing it back in your face was wrong. I'm sorry," he said in a soft voice. His hand ran through his hair as he shuffled. He wasn't used to being this open or soft with anyone, anyone that wasn't her. Feeling you could open up to him now in this moment, you spoke calmly,

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed as much as I did. I lost my temper and said things I shouldn't have. I just wanted you to be open with me, like you were with Julia. And when I didn't get that, I lashed out at you, at that wasn't fair of me to do. I shouldn't have expected you to be as intimate with me as you were in your past. I'm really, truly sorry Spike," you said wholeheartedly as you pat his shoulder lightly. He jumped slightly in surprise but soon relaxed into your touch. He furrowed his brows as he turned his face towards you,

"You remind me of her, you know. To the point where it hurts," he said as he placed his hand in yours.

"How so?"

"It's the little things you do. The way you handle situations so calmly and treat everyone with compassion. But mostly it's the way you look at me. You have that spark in your eyes that she had, and its like seeing a ghost that continuously lingers. I know you're not her, and I don't expect you to be. And Im not sure how to manage these feelings I have, but I'm trying to be better." He sat up and turned to face you, his hand never leaving yours. His eyes finally meeting up with yours for the first time in weeks. The soft glow from the stars flowing into your room from thewindow illuminated the uniqueness of them. Captivated by his features you found yourself at a loss for words,

"Y/N, I promise that no matter what, I'll never use what happened in your past against you ever again. And I want you to know that when you're ready, I'll be more than willing to listen to all of it," he said as he softly cupped your cheek with his free hand. A few stray tears fell down your cheeks and he gently wiped them away as you spoke,

"Thank you Spike. You don't how much that means to me. And I promise to do the same for you whenever you're ready," you whispered softly to him. The glittering his eyes from the soft light shifted in something in you, what little bit of anger you had left for him melted away. And then a new feeling bubbled up inside you, a feeling you hadn't experienced in quite a while. You felt yourself drawing closer to him, feeling a bit bold, you gave him a quick kiss on the cheek,

"Thank you again Spike," you said as you gave him an expression of gratitude. He smiled softly in response, but you could tell he was still holding something back, something strained. His hands moved from your tear stained cheeks down to your bare shoulders, his eyes hazy and a faint dusting of pink in his face. You felt the heat rising all throughout your body, and your self control depleting with each passing second. Lust overcame your better judgement and you closed the space between you with a soft kiss. It was loving, yet needy all the same as your hands slowly ran down his shoulders and to his chest. You expected him to pull back, but instead he deepened the kiss and tightly gripped your shoulders. Pulling away to take a breath, your lips flushed and slightly swollen, you felt a spur of guilt in your chest,

"I'm sorry Spike, I shouldn't have done that," you stated disappointingly as you turned away from him and took your hands off his chest. Only to be met with his hand bringing your gaze back to his,

"Do it again." His eyes dark and glassy with desire as your lips gently crashed on to his once again. You slowly fell back on to the soft mattress. You slowly snaked your arms down his back in attempts to pull him closer, his calloused hands wandering down to your waist to do the same. He gave a slight groan as the kiss got more intense and sloppy, the need for his touch coursing through your veins once his grip tightened on your waist. He pulled away with a gasp for air as he looked at you, your face red as a rose and eyes half lidded with want,

"You're so pretty," he said in a breathy whisper.

He pulled you in close and his head dipped into your neck. His hair tickled your neck as his flushed lips make contact with your sensitive skin. A shiver flowed through your body as he began to sweetly suck on the skin, holding back your moans for the sake of your shipmates. As he left them one by one down to your collarbone he lightly tugged on the blanket still wrapped tightly around you. Pushing him up and off you for just a moment so you could get into a better position, you teasingly peeled the blanket off of you, slowly revealing your flushed skin. The way the stars light fell on your naked form left Spike breathless. Though he'd seen you naked many times before, the way the light fell on you, the expression on your face, and maybe just the reassurance that you understood him in that moment made him see you in an entirely different light. You held out your arms to him, coaxing him to come back to you. His hands caressed the plush skin of your thighs as he continued to leave hickeys down your collarbone and to your chest. Your heavy breathing and stifled moans filled the small space as he began to suck on the soft flesh and slowly moved to the hardened bud. As he took your nipple in his mouth, one of his hands moved to the other and began to roll and pinch it between his nimble fingers. You yelped at the bursting sensation coming from your chest,

"Spike," you quietly moaned out to him. Gripping his hair lightly as a way to keep you grounded from losing yourself. Everytime the two of you did this you found it very easy to lose yourself in the heat of it all and fully surrender yourself to him. But this time you were reluctant to do so. Not because you were afraid, but because of what you knew. The nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach knowing were never going to be her, not matter how hard you tried to be. He would always want her, and that hurt you,

"Hey, what's wrong," he said, concern lacing his voice.

"It's nothing," you sighed lightly as you twirled his hair between your fingers. He moved his hands to your face brought your gaze to his,

"Talk to me pretty girl." You tried coming up with a plausible excuse, but he could see right through you,

"You're thinking about her aren't you?" You nodded your head and looked away from him, shame spread across your face. He smirked at you lovingly and his hand moved down in between your thighs and rubbed against your sensitive, slick nether regions. A surprised, pleasure filled moan escaped you as he spoke,

"Don't think about her Y/N, right now the only thing I want you to think about is me. Because what I'm thinking about in this moment, the only thing I care about right now, is you. I want to please you, to touch you, and make you feel loved. Shes in the past, and you're here with me, and I want it to stay that way for as long as possible," he said as his pace became more intense, pleasure surged through your body in blissful spasms. You found a sliver of comfort knowing that he wanted you as much as you wanted him in this moment, and at that point you let yourself go completely. You couldn't hold in your moans and ragged breaths as his pace became almost too much to bare. His slender fingers slowed a bit as he moved down your slit and inserted a digit in to you. You covered your mouth and moaned sinfully into your palm as he went slowly in and out of you,

"Uncover your mouth sweetheart, I wanna hear every sound you make for me" sincerity and need dripping off his tongue as he spoke. You moved your hand, but still tried to keep the volume minimal. He added another digit and his pace quickened once more. Your moans started to become more frequent as you felt your orgasm approaching steadily. He curled his fingers against your walls, earning a squeal from you,

"Spike, if you keep that up," you said pitifully in between gasps. This didn't stop him from slowing his pace though.

"I want you to cum for me pretty girl," he said sinfully as he kept up his pace. As if on cue, you clenched around his fingers and let your orgasm flow through you. The moan you let out was much louder than you would've liked, but you didn't care, you felt amazing. He pulled out of you, his fingers covered in your slick.

He wiped in on his pants before removing them hastily, revealing his painful hard cock. The tip a flushed rosy color and a bead of precum slowly dripping down. You crawled over to him and looked up into his eyes pleadingly. He gave a slight nod, his breathing hitched at the the thought of what you were about to do. You took the tip into your mouth and swirled your tongue it, tasting the salt from his precum. You teased the tip a little more, earning light groans and ragged breaths from Spike before taking him fully into your mouth. He let out a whimper as you began to take I'm entirely into your mouth and down your throat. His noises like music to your as you want painfully slow,

"Fuck, it feels so good," he groaned as he ran a hand through your hair, wanting to take control, but not giving in to his primal desires. He wanted to be gentle with you and made sure that you were as comfortable as possible. His fingers ran through your hair as you began to quicken your pace, feeling the tip of his cock lightly hitting the back of your throat. It wasn't enough to hurt you, but you definitely knew it would be something you'd feel the next day. You could feel him pulsating against your hollowed cheeks, knowing he would last too much longer if you kept this up. You found yourself in a rhythm that made him quiver and whimper everytime you took him fully, hoping you'd get him to finish as soon as you could. But, despite Spike wanting nothing more than to cum down your throat, he gently stopped you. His cock sliding out of your mouth with a pop,

"Not yet pretty girl," he said wiping away the little bit of saliva that dipped from the corner of you mouth.

He lifted you up to him and kissed you with heated passion, his tongue slipping into your mouth as he pushed you back on to the bed. His hand roamed down to your thighs and proceeded to spread them,

"You ready," he asked in a hot, breathy whisper against your ear.

"Yes Spike, please," you pleaded, your skin on flushed and sensitive as ever and your pussy aching. He slowly thrusted into you, you clenched around him as a reflex to the slight relief you felt. Both of you moaning at the initial thrust,

"Fuck," he cried out. He brought you in close and began to slowly thrust in to you once you were fully adjusted. His fingers traced circled on your shoulder blades and he placed butterfly kisses down your forehead and cheeks. Feeling him pick up the pace, your moans became more prominent and carried throughout the room. You found yourself submitting to him once more as your moans got louder and louder with each thrust, not caring who heard the two of you.

"I love the sounds you make Y/N," he groaned out. You gave an incoherent gasp in response. He brought his gaze to yours,

"You're so fucking pretty like this, taking my cock so well. You're doing amazing sweetheart," he said losing himself to your gaze. The look of pure love and lust in your eyes was nearly too much to bear for him. He always thought you were an attractive person, even before you two started doing this. But as he got to know you, he thought you were one of the prettiest people he'd ever had the pleasure of meeting. And when he first saw you writhing under him, he thought he'd met an angel. The way you shivered under his touch, the way you looked at him with your starstruck eyes, eveything about you when you two were together made him admire you even more.

"So fuckin' beautiful," he said to himself. Lost in the thought of you being with him like this. You gripped at his lower back harshly as he began to bottom you out, losing control of his rhythm. His whimpers and your moans filled the room like a symphony, he whispered sweet nothing in your ear, telling you how beautiful you were and how much he loved being with you. You felt his cock pulsing once again against your slick walls, he was close, as were you. Your moans turned into pure, sinful squealing once again and you felt another orgasm threatening to wash over you,

"Spike, I-" He cut you off before you could finish.

"I know sweetheart. Just a little longer, please" he said said kissing your forehead sweetly. He lost complete control at that point and was fixated on making you cum with him. His thrusts were sporadic and needy, and his cock harder than ever as he continued to fuck senseless. His whimpers were now rhythmatic as he finally moaned out,

"Cum for me pretty girl." You gave out a pleasure filled moan as you came all over his still thrusting cock. The clench from your swollen pussy and the now dripping slick was more than enough to push him over the edge,

"Fuucckk," he drew out in an absolute sinful whimper as he pulled out of you and let out thick spurts of hot cum all over your inner thighs and pussy.

He stroked himself a few times to get all his cum out while taking a few deep, draw out sighs of relief. He must of been holding it in for a while because it was quite a load he let out, not that you cared, you were just happy you were able to be with him. You sighed in relief as he grabbed some tissues off your nightstand and cleaned you up then in turn cleaning himself. When he finished he threw the dirty tissues away and crawled into bed with you, covering you both in the blanket and pulling you in close for a sweet, loving cuddle. You began to drift off to sleep from exhaustion when you heard him say,

"I'm happy to have someone like you Y/N, " he whispered. You turned to him and kissed his cheek as he began to drift off,

"Same here," you said as you pulled him into the crook of your neck and the two of you fell asleep soundly in one another's embrace.

#cowboy bebop #cowboy bebop x reader #spike spiegel #spike spiegel x reader #spike spiegel smut #spike spiegel x reader smut #anime x reader #anime x reader smut

[fallenclan]

vskldjf im glad you like Spottedember's design bcus she is so pretty and i need to sit down and draw her but im just so distracted to sit down and focus on doing that

but look at her she's my Main Character

literally fighting against saying "she has red hair, trauma, AND pronouns!" so hard rn and failing im failing

literally everything bad happens to her so much she's so miserable and sad now i love it <3

her moms killed her kittypet bio-mom and raised her to be Prim and Proper (haha get it bcus her mom's name is Primfoot? ...no? okay ill see myself out-) and she grew up when the clan was at war with literally every other clan (every single apprentice in her generation got scarred, some multiple times), and right after the wars stopped, a mass extinction event occured (cant remember what rn) and it killed her mom Rootshade who was deputy (Which is a WHOLE nother story involving cheating and affairs and WHY would you appoint the girl who cheated on ur husband deputy but anyway-), and the leader decided to make HER deputy?? for some reason?? she was just a baby??? (well okay she was 30 moons but still she's baby to me)

anyway she, Squirrelnut, and Hopestem became mates and I love to think that Squirrel and Hope always kept Spotted grounded and from freaking out cause she was so stressed from the pressure from her mom Prim and the responsibilities of being deputy in a clan that just really really likes being assholes and killing kittens. and i think they helped her be less like her mom/the rest of the clan to and try to choose kindness over violence. Hopestem actually got the message that she was a part of a prophecy!!! so i was like "these 3 are gonna make the clan good again"

and Spottedember became Spottedstar and you know the story---mass extinction event after mass extenction event decimated the clan until it was only Spottedstar, Squirrelnut, Skipnight (Hopestem's sister), and their kids. and it's really sad because all those apprentices Spottedstar has listed? most of those are all her kids, and specifically the kids born in "solo litters." Birchheather specifically kept getting injury after injury and didn't graduated until 15 moons, only to immediately die... during training sessions with them there would be messages where it said she didn't train them/did something else aside from training.

she's so traumatized and numb now, i love when horrible things happen

(its also really curious to me that her traits go from "childish" to "oblivious"... why? what's she being oblivious to? ...how evil her clan was? how abusive her parents were? things to think about)

(man i need to stop ranting and focus on my actual projects)

(hey also i think it's funny that both Swiftpaw her little brother and Swiftpaw her son died, especially because she totally named her son Swiftpaw after her brother. Swiftpaw's never live)

okay i should be drawing Mudsplash rn but. i just had to stop and do a quick doodle of Spottedstar hope thats okay teehee

of course you have red hair, trauma, two partners, an epic scar from the rat king, a rainbow collar, evil parents, and pronouns

#she has the same white patches as yewkit i just realized #or is it yewpaw rn. idk where we are with the posting lmao #i love women who are old and traumatized and maybe a little pathetic #fallenasks #alollinglaughingcat #art

[onedreamseeker]

im officially watching episode 1 of the begins youth series! I'm incredibly excited. so this post will just be all of my live reactions for the first episode

BROOO the fire???? That’s a crazy intro

Okay Hwan is Jin’s character

Getting straight into the rich father storyline okayyyy

The actor for Hwan is doing so good already like tell me why I see Jin’s mannerisms in the way he walks and stuff 😭😭😭

The way they’re making it clear that Hwan has trouble connecting to his peers and finds it hard to make friends my baby 🥺

Oooh as gas station worker is this Namjoonie?

Okay and Jooan that’s Taehyung I believe

Yeah they’re setting up the Taehyung/Namjoon friendship immediately

ONG JOOAN ACTS JUST LIKE TAEHYUNG OH MY GOD ITS PERFECT. HES SO SILLY MY NEW SILLY GUY

I must have missed namjoon’s character’s name

What’s my man doing? Looking at home videos of his mom?

oh my god are these two dumbasses gonna break into Hwan’s house?????

No wonder they’re always being chased by police in the MVS 😭😭😭

LMFAO THE NAMJOON/JIN/TAEHYUNG MEETCUTE

HE CALLED THE POLICE SHUTTHRFUCKUP

THEY CAME BACK 😭

LMAOOOOO

Jooan threatening Hwan 😭😭😭 yall are gonna be besties soon stfu

lmao he found the money namjoon dropped

DID JOOAN STEAL HIS BIKE ???? NO NAMJOON DID 😃😃

JOOAN JUST DROP KICKED THIS MAN 😀

Is this how they all get detention????

OH A NEW PERSON JOINS THR FRAY

DOGEON IS NAMJOONS NAME FINALLY

New guy trying to come to Jooan’s defense

Two more people watching the drama 😭

AM I WRONG TITLE SONG WHOOOOOO

Another new person !!!

I need these names and backstories so I can figure out who is who immediately

The detention Classroom!! This is like a dream come true oh my god 😭😭😭

New guy giving me jhope or jimin vibes and the other one giving me yoongi

Cein is that the yoongi character?

Oh my god this guy HAS to be jhope he’s got the smile!

Jeha! THATS TEH JUNGKOOK CHARACTER I THINK HES SO CUTE

The jeha/cein stuff starting already. Which must mean the other little guy must be jimin!

Haru is jimin!!

So Jooan is Taehyung, dogeon is namjoon, Hwan is Jin, jeha is Jungkook, haru is Jimin, cein is Yoongi, and the unnamed guy with The Smile ™ is jhope

Oh my god :( Jooan is so excited to see his dad not drunk :(

Hosu! The jhope character is officially named!

He literally has hobi’s smile oh my god he’s perfect :(

Haru and Hosu!! Oh my god they like to dance together oh my god my heart it’s broken

Haru’s mom when I catch you!! Forcing him not to tell any of his friends about his trauma !!!

HOSU IS LITERALLY HOBI OH MY GOD THE CASTING WAS PERFECT

He just did the jhope head tilt/smile/sigh combo!

Haru and Hosu mean so much to me actually they’re perfect

Oh god Hosu just mentioned the flower areboretum to Haru and the the way his face fell 😭😭😭

Jeha is SO CUTE, he literally perfectly reminds me of baby jungkook These actors STUDIED

Jooan looking for the bike 😭 he’s so sweet he just wants to help his friend 🥺

Hwan get your shit together and make friends with the others

This bike causing so much drama!

Cein my boy bout to get this bike back!! I know that’s right!!!! He’s playing into the scariness to help his new friends he’s sooooo :( my baby

YESSSSSS he got dogeon’s bike back from Hwan and gave Hwan his bike back that’s my man!!!! He gets shit done!!

Now Hwan has to go apologize and give dogeon’s bike back!

This romantic ass music playing during this apology 😭

He gave him back the money :(

They’re making up 😭😭 HWAN AWKWARDLY ASKING DOGEON TO COME EAT EITH HIM

DOGEON HAS JOONS BREAKS EVERYTHING CURSE 🥺

Aww Hwan is gonna join the boys in detention because he knows the fight was his fault too 😩

THEYRE SO CUTE

Wait this is SOOOO GOOD!!!

These are our boys!!! First episode over!! Set up complete!!

I’m ooh we’re setting up the Haru Trauma at the flower arboretum 👀 a little cliff hanger

Final thoughts on episode one:

I really loved this! The actors are PERFECT! And I’m really enjoying the cinematography and dialogue so far! They’re keeping very in line with what we know about the hyyh story! It’s so exciting to see everything from the mvs acted out! And it’s so cool to see more detail of the characters and their relationship with each other!

#begins youth #Rana live reaction #bts universe #bts hyyh

[chocottang]

(looks at the time, midnight) perfect time for posting!

silly little animatic for a silly little au i will yap about under the cut. but basically, the shadows are humans, and gold is the illegitimate son of mr. golden, so he has to deal with lots of shit. also i KNOW the audio is not synced but IM NOT editing that again. i refuse

ok i will probably not make an actual comic or anything for the au so ill just tell you all about it rn even though im eepy and thus will probably forget things. also i didnt read through All Of That a second time so im sorry if theres mistakes or incomprenhensible sentences

uhhh the idea came to me bc i wanted to make human versions of shadows, but i thought itd be boring if all the shadows were just twins of their human with the exact same trauma. dont get me wrong its very interesting to see two characters deal with the same issues very differently but when its ALL of the pairs it can get boring (to ME, this is just my own feelings). so i went hey, famous people seem to never stop cheating, what if we did that instead? and boom gold illegitimate son was born. also when i say mr. golden i dont mean golden's dad, i mean golden and joy's grandpa. I KNOW. GROSS. thats kinda the point. it also wasn't like, a one night stand that went wrong, this man had a whole ass second family. technically not cheating though bc his wife was already dead, but still not good.

so. gold was just living his silly little normal life with his mom and semi-absent father (they would say he was just very busy with work and travelled abroad and all that, which is the exact same excuse he'd give golden when he want visit gold)(also gold's mom was very much aware of the whole thing from the start) when suddenly him and his mom got into a car accident. gold got scars and a broken arm, while his mom took most of the blow. her upper body was mostly okay bc gold was able to see the car coming from her side and instinctively pulled his mom away, but he could only move her upper body to the side, and her lower back and legs took the blow. so, with his mom hospitalized, the authorities obviously asked him to call his dad to come over. so he did, and mr. golden showed up. and obviously the news immediatly caught on to this and made it a scandal. the local rich old guy with a company that has always had a brand of helping society with their innovations turned out to have a second family, and a son who is around his grandchildren's age. how could u NOT report that. anyways, gold's mom needs to be hospitalized for AT LEAST a couple of months, so gold moves in with his dad. and of course, has to face his dad's "official" family.

now, gold had known that he was "illegitimate" for a while now. it was kind of impossible to ignore with golden's popularity. but he had never really processed it fully, it was sort of an unspoken thing that everyone in the household was aware everyone else knew, but no one wanted to mention it. as if by doing so it would suddenly become real and break the illusion of their "perfect" little family. but now he has to deal with the hard truth (and new trauma due to the car crash! yay!). he decides to try and "compensate" the heavy blow that his dad's reputation took for his, uh, existance, and decided to start helping around the company. he immediatly starts taking way too much work, because he feels guilty and wants to feel validated by his dad, to feel like he's also his "real" family, that he deserves to be called his son. and also because he never got that much attention from him anyways. he's now deathly afraid of losing his family, after almost losing his mom, so he tries his absolute best to be everything his dad wants and do everything he says. he was always kind of a pushover, because his dad was always emotionally distant and bareley showed up, but he had his mom around to compensate, but now that he feels he could lose her at any moment, that flaw skyrocketed in intensity.

that attitude also translates with the rest of the family, especially the cousins: golden, joy and jay. golden DOES NOT trust gold. he's convinced that gold started working in the company because he only wants the money, or the fame, or maybe the whole company (since gold would technically be before golden in the heritage, itd be much easier). but that's mostly his own trauma regarding feeling used for money by almost everyone he loves acting up. golden also dislikes gold bc he reminds him of the things he hates about himself, bending over backwards just to get affection from the old fart. soo yeah golden has issues and gold kind of embodies all of them (like a shadow. get it. haha.)

joy tries VERY hard to be nice to gold and seem accepting and like she's okay with all of this but she has very conflicting feelings. she always kind of idealized her grandpa, so knowing that he actually sucks is kind of driving her crazy (she is unaware of how much golden is fucked up bc honestly shes got fucked up in similar ways, having to appeal to her parents for affection and working her ass off as a maid basically, so it just seems normal). also, she feels iffy about gold, she doesn't distrust him like golden, she truly believes gold is just a normal kid, but she's VERY frustrated about the fact that he started working for the company just like that. she always wanted to work alongside her grandpa, she thought the company's ideals were lovely, but she was always shut off because she's a girl. so she explored her passion for music, which was encouraged, but only as a hobby, while golden got to make a succesful career out of it with the help of the family. and now this random kid who had never had ANYTHING to do with the company is working for it and being taught everything she wanted to know. it's completely unfair and it makes her seethe. but she knows its not gold's fault, and she keeps excusing her family, so she just hides it and hides it and tries to pretend she's okay with all of this.

jay is the only person who seems to be ok with gold. she loves attention and she hates being bored, so a sudden family scandal that gives them tons of media attention and makes all of her posts blow up is literally perfect for her. and it's all thanks to gold! she doesn't find him especially interesting as a person, but everything surrounding him is. and hes a total pushover! so she gets to make him carry her stuff, do things for her and crack jokes at his expense all she wants. she also just finds is funny that he's technically her uncle. gold knows that she's taking advantage of him, but he doesn't mind that much, because she at least doesnt hate him like golden and joy seem to do. and sometimes she's not an asshole, sometimes she genuinly enjoys his presence. let's just say that the bar is in hell

also. if i did things right u will probably tell that gold is fat, especially in comparison to the cousins. and thaaats because the golden family is actually naturally fat, but grandpa encouraged them to be thin to "protect them from the media". golden and jay have quite unhealthy habits, while joy just eats healthy and exercises, which is why she's not stick thin. since gold was never meant to be in the public eye he was allowed to just exist so hes a normal kid who doesnt give a fuck. other design notes, the broken arm and scars represents gold's face markings and completely black hand. and i gave him glasses because everyone gives him glasses and i think thats awesome

also uhh he becomes friends with the villains (who are the student council)nbecause owynn wants to get that golden family clout. gold joins the council as an assistant because hey! being useful! he's good at that and it may earn him a friendship. there he meets cami and they immediately recognize that they're similar. always doing what someone asks, always so serious, always calm and efficient, working towards their goal, never taking up space. soo they spends more time together (also bc gold is her assistant) and start leaning on each other. they become close. they also like that they're so blunt with everyone and each other, it makes conversation easier for them. and also they have a crush on each other because of course they do im PREDICTABLE.

uhhh idk if i have anything left to say if u read all of that hi. i love you

#fnafhs #fhs #mine #camold #una disculpa por la demencia #Youtube

[writingtohealmytrauma]

5/4/24

she left me 2 months ago and the pain is still so real and unbearable. 8 years of our life gone, she is now a stranger we dont talk, i want to talk so bad but she wants to move on and asked us not to message i want to talk to her everyday but i need to respect her decision's she still hasnt blocked me and i cant bring myself to block her number, not that it would do any good as i know her number off by heart, i managed to get the strength to archive our conversations so im not constantly seeing her name and our life everytime i message someone, i had been messaging her out of desperation and longing for connection with her and i can see by the read reciepts that she is seeing my message but choosing not to respond and it just hurts so much that this is clearly what she really wants and she is trying her hardest to get over me and us.

she tells me "We pushed it as far as we could" in reality she pushed it as far as she wanted. she tells me that she wants to have a family and she doesnt see a future with us after 8 years so she needs to leave me and find someone else to have a family with. she's 26 and wants to have kids before 30? so she cant waste any more time with us. i spent my life serving her, but it wasnt enough. i gave her everything. i literally made her breakfast and dinner every day for 3 years to prove my love to her, i flew her business class around the world i showed her a life she never dreamed off. i was there every day when she got home waiting to hear about her day, i ALWAYS made and had time for her always. she was my purpose i lived to serve her. all i ever wanted was to marry her, everyone use to have a go at me saying "why dont you marry her?" "hurry up and put a ring on her finger" like i was the problem? she was the one that would never commit. all i wanted was a family and life with her. I know her past trauma's have played a huge part in all of this, she come from a very broken family and has carried alot of trauma her whole life that she refused to deal with and that leaked into our relationship in so many ways. i truly believe if she had of dealt with her passed issues we would stil be here. she was not the only one to blame i also brought issues to the table but i have worked and turned myself out inside as a person to try and fix/overcome these and i feel i really did. she had an avoidance schema which was a real issue she would always run and shut off from us whenever things were hard, my mind is constantly telling me she was overwhelmed and her avoidance schema kicked in and thats why she ended it as there was no good reason to end it, weeks before she ended it she was telling me that she was finallly ready to get engaged after 8 years?? im so confused? I worry that she has realised this was an overreaction to a minor problem but her pride is stopping her from saying hey this is blown out of proportion can we try and fix this?? i would come running! i'd lay my life down to fix this, what ever it took whatever love she needed it is hers. I worry by the time she comes to this conclusion i will have moved on, not because i wanted to but because the pain is to great and i dont want to take my own life from grief. does one ever truly move on? will i still think about her in years too come? there is that weird sense of hope that we will get back together but i cant hold onto that. when we first started dating she saw a psychic (I dont believe in that stuff) but he told her that she was going to meet her partner and they would be together for life like penguins and that she would have twins with them. over the years i truly believed that and i made that a promise to myself that she was my penguin and that we would be together forever and have twins and i held onto that promise for so long, that promise got me through the hardest time in our relationship and now i feel its been broken it makes me sick to think that im not her penguin and some other man might be? she will have twins and a family with another man? makes me want to curl up and die.

It hurts so much that she wants to move on she couldnt do it anymore 8 years, meant nothing i know she wasnt in it for a long time i just kept pushing and pushing and exhuasting myself trying to fix it, i knew in the back of my mind that it was over a long time ago and that we wouldnt work in the future. she was my best friend though and the only family ive ever had all i wanted was to serve her and love her but there was always this twisted gut feeling in my stomach everytime i thought about our future, not from fear just uncertainty. we broke up once before for a short period of time and she bought someone back to our house within a couple days of us breaking up my mind reels at the thoughts of who she is with now who she is seeing.

**DREAM

I had a dream last night that we met up and i asked had she been with anyone else i asked her and i wanted her to say yes so i could hate her and move forwards in my dream she told me after a week of us separating that she had been sleeping with someone else she began to describe the sexual encounter to me with such joy saying it was hot and sweaty and that they didn't use protection and i remember feeling such a sense of a rage and sadness and sickness all at once in my dream, the though of her with another man made my sick. **DREAM

i woke up and i felt relieved as my mind was still telling me that was a real conversation and i hated her and could let her go and after properly waking up and realising it was a dream i cant shake the feeling the thoughts of that dream and what it meant to me. now i feel like i need to know if she is sleeping with other people so i can move on? WHY IS MY MIND ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS? i want to know that she is with other people so i can hate her so i can detach as i feel thats the only way i can move forward but at the same time i dont want to know either. i have no interest in other women right now, i dont think i ever will. i gave her every part of my heart and soul. ive only ever slept with 2 people in my life and have no interest in sleeping around being with other people, the thought makes me feel sick.

everytime i see anything slightly sexual it reminds me of her it makes me feel sick to my guts as to who she is with. i was her first and she was my second and to be intimate almost every day with the same person for 8 years is so special. i think its a mix of jealousy and fear fear because i know what other men are like and what they are capable and that she has not been exposed to how feral men can be and jealousy because what if she finds someone better than me? what if they pleasure her better or love her more. what if she is more attracted to them then me? she said to me that she still loves me and thats not that she doesnt want me she just doesnt think we have a future?? which is so insanely confusing cause how can you love and want someone but not be willing to commit to marriage and life together and risk going out into the world and hoping you find the connect you had with someone else.

she was my bestfriend, all i wanted was to be around her and in her presence and i think that makes this all so much harder for me. i feel like im one of those people that is always surrounded by people but feel so alone always. she took away the loneliness made me feel complete and normal maybe it was bad that i needed her to make me feel that way, maybe i should learn to feel that way before getting into another relationship. thats what everyone tells you to do. but does anyone actually truly do that? does anyone ever wait untill they are complete and feel whole before getting into another relationsip? i feel like if you were complete and happy being alone you would never get into a relationship at all so i feel like that kind of advice is a lie? what else would compel you to be in a relationship if you have learnt to be happy alone, i understand women having a biological clock and im led to beleive that some women have overwhelming maternal instincts and the need to have children but as a some what succesful male, if i learn to be happy aloen and enjoy my own company? why would i want to get into a relationship what would be the driving force behind that? so i think that type of thinking is a lie and fanciful.

i feel scared to go back home, i know i need to though. i left the state i live in to go stay with my cousins for a wgile to try and clear my head i dont know if it has helped our made things worse? im genuinely not sure.

im so scared of running into her, im so scared of running into her with another man. i dont know how to deal with these feelings of fear and jealousy. i just love her so much and my heart screams for her day in an day out.

even writing this now i feel sick at the thought the she is talking to somoene else and flirting with them and doing sexual things with them.

i think the hardest thing for me to grasp is her being sexually intimate with someone else. that seems to be the trigger for me to spiral and feel sick.

my psycologist told me that those are grief thoughts and to label them grief thoughts and that they will pass but they just make me sicker and sicker everytime i think of them.

im not eating, im not sleeping all i do is train. i feel so insecure and so scared i feel like ive aged so much in our relationship and that im ugly and un lovable so im just destroying my body to stay fit and become stronger than i am. i worry its becoming a mental ilnness almost a body dysphoria i hate myseld and everything about myself.

she was younger than me buy a couple of years and i know she is going to date someone younger than me and they will be fitter and stronger than me and it just hurts so much to think that.

i get angry cause i feel like she used me and robbed me of my life and my best years and that she never had any intention of seeing this through. she just used me as a vessel to get her setup in a career and financially.

#relationship #breakup #trauma #heartbreak #healing #self refle

[volfoss]

HIIIII for that game you just posted about (<- guy who likes these things) 💜 my favorite emoji

YIPPEE sorry i WILL infodump a bit because i do think you could go so insane over mistos. for many reasons but im putting it under a cut both for like the 3 mutuals who are interested in it and dont want spoilers and also bc i dont want to make a 5 million paragraph long post.

so mistos is i guess the deuteragonist in volfoss but his deal requires a bit of explaining about the narrative before i can get into why i think youd like him based off the other guys you like :) so volfoss is basically about dealing with the repercussions of seeing your trooper group (troopers are basically mercenaries who get requests to clear out monsters or help people in other ways) getting killed in front of you and chasing the guy who did it down and also theres a war (dw about it. the horrors happen). mistos personally had to see a lot of the slaughter, to the point where well. mistos sees the man who did it partially and their leader's body (who in terms of the game, we see referenced as someone who both mistos and shalvas (the protagonist) relied on a lot) laid on the killers feet as some sort of sacrifice. mistos lives with a lot of guilt that he really couldnt stop the massacre from happening (bc it wasnt just one guy) and has a lot of complex feelings on what he wants to do when they find the guy who did it. shalvas meanwhile is well. pretty clearly like yeah i want his ass DEAD for what he did to us. also important to know this guy did nearly kill mistos. so he has a good reason if he didnt like him and wanted him dead.

but the thing is, mistos in either ending, doesn't want him dead. they confront this guy in a tournament at the end of act 1, and the way they deal with him depends on if you're on the good or bad ending path. on the good ending, he actively stops shalvas. the man who did it (keeping it vague bc i stay sillay ok) literally pleads for mistos to kill him but mistos refuses. hes a character that to me is really interesting because of this, and that on the evil route um. shalvas does kill him pretty brutally in front of the audience and mistos is actively trying to stop him. i think hes honestly very complex and the fact that it caused him an insane amount of trauma to witness the attack and yet. in both variations, he forgave him and moved past it.

in terms of personality, mistos is very sarcastic and jokes around a lot but is a really good strategist. he pretty much took over silver fang (the trooper org u are part of) and is NOT enjoying adjusting to that (from what ik, he used to be a pretty involved and strong trooper before this, but he took the responsibility so shalvas didn't have to). he has a lot of kindness though, he's very patient with shalvas (who has like. some form of memory loss) and he's really sweet to rially (who is a girl that basically comes to hang out somewhat often after they helped her defeat some monsters). like i think a lot of the way he shows care for people is kind of joking around but he also has a really hard time i think getting into his issues unless he makes them as jokes. like the first mission shalvas goes out alone, shalvas is really upset that mistos wont be there (due to the fact that at that point in the game you are weak as fuck lmao) and mistos kind of jokes about how its a ton of work to keep the base guarded and that he's basically really risking his life (which imo. was a combo of his sense of humor leaning towards self deprecating and also trying to make shalvas feel better about going off alone) by taking care of the base. but every time before shalvas leaves, mistos will always offer advice. and after every mission he and shalvas go to grista (a bar) and have a little how was the mission talk. he does genuinely deeply care for shalvas (and the other surviving member of their group, marica, but she appears a lot less so its hard for me to really get into their deal)

he also fights by using really sharp threads (his attack name is called the thread waver) and he DOES kick ass but unfortunately he doesnt fight alongside you a lot of the time. but i think youd like him due to how he takes a lot of the burden on himself and also stays silly. he loves to antagonize one specific guy at the start of the game but eventually grows to be good friends with him and idk :) hes just a nice and silly guy

#asks #im so fucking sowwy i have a lot to say #♟

[steveharrington]

https://youtu.be/HZOppCkC5UM

what do you think of this?

i think some good points were made! and also some bad points were made! i will break it down sorry if this is long but i love talking about st as you all know and this guy packed a lot of discussion into 10 minutes!

good points: he's absolutely 100% right about jonathan and joyce losing their Point in the story. it's so so so obvious specifically with jonathan that he was written and conceived to serve the plotline that revolved around his family, and when he's taken out of those relationships he's basically.....nothing. i've never seen anyone point out how jonathan didn't really need the nancy/steve plotline in s1 because it only really diluted his A plot centered around will before, but it's so true. i also strongly agree with his point about the russia storyline and how taking the characters out of hawkins and trying to bring in the world at large is a big mistake. it's one reason why i felt the russia plotline in s4 specifically was so hard to watch and literally had me wanting to skip every time the scene cut to hopper/joyce/murray because like.....why should i care about this! im invested in whats happening in hawkins, in vecna, and like the california plot okay fine it's tangentially related to hawkins and it brings back brenner etc but the russia stuff just feels so far removed and pointless. also he's so right about the tone of s3 feeling off specifically with scoops troop and how they tried to make a very serious dark plotline into a slapstick comedy.

bad points: the story is not all about will. sorry i will never buy into and subscribe to the whole "it starts and ends with will" thing and that's not even me being a hater, that's just me watching season one and understanding that el is just as relevant to the story as will. the author of this video essay sets up the s1 storyline and concept for the show as a whole as if it was Only ever supposed to be about will going missing and the results of that, which completely ignores the fact that we still have an entire parallel dimension and government sanctioned child testing lab to talk about? if the story was only about will going missing, it didn't need to be about supernatural elements at all. it could've literally just been will getting lost in the woods. but will's disappearance is the entry point for our characters into the upside down, and once they're aware that it exists, it can't just be nicely tied up in a little bow at the end of s1 and everyone moves on with their lives. i will never understand the "stranger things shouldve been one season!!!!!" argument because like how on earth can you expect joyce to get her kid back from the parallel dimension that also ate another teenager, with the lab that tortured a child still operating in their town, and just be like oh okay its over? HUH? like there's no further implications to discuss, no consequences of these discoveries? will went to hellworld and hid from a monster and he's just fine now that he's back home? we're just gonna all ignore it? whew sorry anyways im really defensive over s2 and i hate the suggestion that it's like hastily cobbled together just for the sake of a sequel when really it's such a rich season full of necessary and fascinating further exploration into the UD, the effects it had on the characters, the trauma they endured, etc.

new paragraph but still talking abt the bad points. i also don't agree with the assertion that s4 ended with everything tied up nicely and all the characters having closure. in fact i really don't understand how anyone could reach that conclusion (sorry to the author of that video essay if ur out there) like how can you watch the s4 finale and think "yeah everyone's pretty much good" like hello? eddie's death traumatized dustin and im sure there'll be conflict over the decisions made that led to it, max is literally in a coma, lucas still hasn't received any sort of closure or resolution irt any of his experiences or feelings, will still feels alienated within his friend group and tied to the UD, el still views herself as a monster, nancy/steve/jonathan are an absolute mess with no resolution either relationship-wise or just like personal storyline-wise. even if you don't care about these characters, or you feel like they were never important, the show can't just drop them into oblivion and leave each of their storylines unresolved. and that's what'll happen in s5.

also saying the agent orange speech was the best aspect of the russia storyline is um.....interesting. to me its not "bringing hopper back to his emotional roots" its a very lazy rehashing of the story arc he already overcame i.e. blaming himself for sarah's death and feeling like a black hole. like we already did that. and now we're doing it again

all in all i think the general thesis of the video is very correct--s5 is not going to be very good. the writers have written themselves into a corner, many of the characters have ceased to serve any function, and the non-stop action that the duffers keep teasing is going to feel like a different show and probably not play to the strengths of the series, which is character work and dynamics. and also he's right aliens is the best sequel ever <3

#long post #sorry im passionate #overall good video essay though he articulated his points very well and even if i dont agree on all of them they're well thought out! #anon #answered

[atinyniki]

teaser 'good enough' : one.

background info: main character is maya. aalia is maya's little sister. maya and aalia sleep in the same bed. HUGE TW.

a/n: this is kind of very sad btw... its not a fanfic though ! its a story. i hope the finished product will be as good as my actual fics.

teaser wc: 890

TW: suicidal themes, mentions of abuse, trauma, neglect, mentions of a miscarriage, loss of a loved one

two decades later, yet everything has changed. maya’s grown a lot now, trying her best to use her trauma for good. 

she’s become mildly successful with her writing, but as time went on, she’s lost motivation. 

she’s lost the support of her family. she’s lost her friends. and now it feels like she’s lost the one thing that makes her happy.

so she thinks about it. for the first time since seventh grade, her sick mind puts those terrible thoughts into her head. no one wants her, so why is she here?

she walks into the bathroom, the one she’s used for the past four years, looking for something. just something that could help her do this.

until she’s called for bed.

aalia yells out for her, so she stops herself, stepping into the bedroom after getting ready. she wants to leave, but she can’t.

but it would be so much better without her, wouldn’t it?

they both lay down in the bed, but maya makes a mistake. a mistake that she has made one too many times, clearly. aalia slaps her in the face, unamused by mayas stupid attempt to ‘tickle’ her. 

but it was truly unintentional. she couldn’t say anything else, only shutting herself up and laying down.

and she thinks about it once more, ending it all. but this isn’t right. so she takes out her phone, typing out a number into her search engine.

988.

she clicks on the chat option, filling out the required information. and then she gets a response.

his name is asher, she finds out.

this is crazy, why had it even gotten up to this point? asher asks what’s wrong, as his job entails. and then it all pours out.

that’s okay though, right? isn’t that the point of this entire website?

minutes pass, and mayas already started crying. she tries her best to hide it for her sisters sake, but these messages aren’t helping at all.

and then she confesses. she confesses something she has never confessed before. something she had never even thought about until now.

maya: in 2007, my mother was due for a baby boy. he was stillborn. his name was manik. when she told me, i felt guilty. i felt guilty for giving my mother all these complications, so many that she couldn’t bear another child. she had always wanted a boy. maya: in fifth grade, i made a journal dedicated to him. i’d talk to him every single day through there, just to tell him how sorry i was that i couldn’t be enough. and how i know that he’d be so much better than who i am now. maya: i think it’s changed me a lot, even though i didn’t think about it until now. every time i don’t live up to my parents’ or sister’s standards, i just feel guilty. i don’t know how to deal with myself anymore.

yes, that was a lot to get out. but it’s something she has never gotten out before. of course there’s going to be a lot of hidden feelings about it. she didnt even know how much it was affecting her until she spoke about it.

asher: im sorry this is being placed on your shoulders. you don’t deserve that. it’s hard to walk in someone’s shadows all the time. 

and the words from fifth grade come back to maya. she thinks about what her mother said after she found the journal. no comforting, of course not.

‘you’re a good writer’

and she is, which is why she started her blog in the first place. but over the holidays, she’s lost motivation. that’s not okay. 

writing is the only think that makes maya feel like she’s worth it. so what will happen now that she’s lost the one thing that makes her happy?

maya: my mom read the journal one day, because i failed to hide it. instead of comforting me, she told me that i was a good writer. and i believed her. i started writing on a blog about things id like in life, something i hadn’t thought much about before. i love writing a lot. maya: but now it’s just so scary. i’ve lost all my motivation. i’ve lost my ability to do the one thing i love and now i feel worthless. i’m nothing without my writing, without my ideas.

then comes a sudden wave of sadness, something she’s never felt experienced before. not because of this.

asher only does his job, comforting her through this process. maya is grateful for him of course, he’s an amazing person. then, asher suggests something.

asher: maybe you could try writing as a way to get these feelings out? it helps to you to journal some things, in case you have no one else to tell.

and then it hits her. an idea. motivation.

asher gives her some resources, and she finally ends the chat about twenty minutes later. she opens her files, quickly checking the screenshots of her conversation with asher.

she thinks about what to write, what she should name it. and then she thinks about herself. who is she?

who is she to her family, her friends, the world? and then she figures it out. she’s the girl who will never be worth it.

she’s the girl that will never be good enough.

#nikiupdates

[ex-princessvania]

AUGHGA the people have spoken. good god i hope this makes sense:

cole death symbolism is fairly well established i think? but here is a list of a lot of the different parts of it just for reference. one thing that stood out to me the more i thought abt it was that his becoming a ghost and s10 “death” both have him come CLOSE to dying, but never actually crossing the threshold. i think i made this post a while ago just talking abt that phenomena in relation to cole.

ALSO in relation to cole and death (which i see ppl talk abt but not necessarily as part of the overall death symbolism he has which i think is interesting) is the older-mirror scene in s5. the writers later made this scene foreshadow his ‘disappearance’ in s5 which. was not done particularly well lol, and so it can easily be reinterpreted. if we assume that, on a narrative level, this scene is not explaining his ability to disappear, but is actually foreshadowing his death. well.

it’s kind of unclear how old everyone is supposed to be when they see themselves in the mirror?? because they are legos but like. they are certainly not super old, which (if we are continuing on the assumption that cole dies before everyone else) means that cole very specifically dies young.

lets come back to that in a minute i have to take a quick tangent about cycles. also something i feel is well established, but its important for background info. one thing ninjago does A LOT of is have its main characters repeat things. both things they themselves have done AND ALSO things their parents/ancestors have done. think nya becoming the sea the same way nyad did, lloyd having to fight the overlord in a never ending loop like the fsm, etc.

the whole deal with cycles and generational trauma etc etc when specifically talking abt cole is centered on his mom; he does almost exactly everything his mom did before she died in s13 (adjusted for the situation) and of course has her element. if this extends to his actions, it could certainly also extend to his death. i think this is more evidence to the idea than anything else? like cole dying young is a continuation of the loop unintentionally created for him by his mother.

to actually return to the point i was making, cole is surrounded by death. he almost dies a couple times, but his death is stopped partially or entirely by some other supernatural force. based on this he could be seen absolutely as a psychopomp/grim reaper, but because of both the s5 symbolism and his mom, im really more inclined to say that he is more doomed by the universe to die at some point. now this is really me speculating and tbh just making things up, but i think this does lend credibility to the idea that the universe itself is keeping cole from dying at these points (s5, s10) because there is some point in the future that the universe has literally decided is the time that he is Going To Die.

and like why??? what is so significant about that (theoretical) death that the universe is literally changing the laws of physics to stop this man from dying? what is so important about this point in time that the whole world is bending over backwards to make sure it happens?

going to get emotional now but like! cole being the first to die of everyone is so crazy to me! cole who is the leader and the oldest and the most mature and the one trying so hard to keep everyone together who dies first, and dies young! just like his mom!! in a world where robots come back from the dead every single year and the children of gods live forever there is one guy who has a point that he can never come back from. despite evading death he is surrounded by it; he cant die yet because you cant fight destiny!! your time will come bitch!!

anyway tldr; i think that cole dies young just like his mom because the universe loves him and has big plans for him. or maybe the universe just cares about perpetuating the cycle whos to say.

#coleposting #ninjago #loop theory #death tw #???? like not crazy but it does make me sad :((( #also this took me a minute bcs i just finished my finals week and i wrote sooooooo many essays. good lord #one thing about me is i love to personify laws of nature #thsi is really so off the rails that its not even based in canon anymore but :/ i perservere #if any of this is unclear pls let me know! i tried to make it make the most sense lol #got so caught up making this post i forgot abt d/20 lol

[nonbinarygamzee]

i have been writing a lot of little things to myself lately relating to idea of The Home in homestuck (completely untapped idea, i know) but specifically with home as a a symbol for repression and control etc etc just as much as it functions as one of self discovery and actualization. i feel like i usually end up dropping things i write that talk about trauma too personally, but i think that limitation has been getting in my way with things i am trying to articulate to myself, so. fuck it.

anyways that was my disclaimer because im talking about child abuse. in the abstract especially in relation to stories about teenagers/coming of age, the idea of home and family are basically one in the same, right, and the house is the "physical" manifestation of this idea, the shell and the things which reside inside it that are all functioning in tandem with varying degrees of control over eachother. the romanticized idea of a home depicted in storytelling is not the randomized place you are born but the theoretical concept of a place that you find which fulfills you. which is fine, it serves its function in certain stories. but the conflation of what is the home and what is the ideal kind of leaves people unable to crawl out of their situations somewhere nebulous and uncomfortable. theyre uh. theyre h. theyre homestu.

ANYWAYS. the idea of a home under that definition implies the idea of a healthy dynamic within itself but unfortunately in the real world some of us are vulnerable clownthings living under the roof of a time demon who hates everything. this is often hard to catch in real life because the house, the home, the family, is there to project an image of normalcy, or at least to obscurify its own inner machinations. you dont get to know the Why of a lot of actions when you dont know what is going on when you arent around. this is not only a consquence of the obfuscation but also a function of it. if you cant understand something it is easiest to cast doubt and its easy to cast blame and it is so, so much harder to pinpoint the real danger. the scapegoat gets blamed for all that they do that feels like nonsensical acts of malice. and all the while the real threat is lost beneath the layers of confusion, the clown is thrown away never to be worried over again because of its crimes and the reality that they always would be is exactly why they can never not be a part of that cycle of bringing the time demon to power.

#obviously this relates to other charactera family/social dynamics but well. you know where u are lol #anyways this is more abstract than i usually get on here.i habe a hard time articulating even concrete ideas so this stuff is like #usually confined to my head/notes app. but i am just thinking so so much #its clown town #meta

[anti-endo-haven]

sorry, uhm, vent incoming; its a pretty big one too, im sorry again; tws for, abuse(mentioned, no detail), trauma ments(also no detail), and toxic 'friend' stuff with minor detail, and it's gonna be a longer rant/vent, i am so sorry for that again.('mentioned, no details' means just the word is said, and there is no details as to what it could mean)

I hate when I like a blog, and I find them funny, and was following them, to only find out that they're an endo or they support endos or both. It's genuinely just like. Why does this disorder that's consumed everything and made me lose myself and everyone else in our lives ever, get to be some sort of play-pretend, and roleplay thing for people? Why do they get to take what my brain and the body did to survive due to the abuse and other traumas we've went through and make it 'fun'? and WHY on earth do people think it's okay to lie about abuse or trauma? i dunno what to honestly think anymore; i'm just so tired of trying to find a safe space for it to be taken over by people who don't(or do) know how badly they're hurting us by lying and spreading misinformation. I'm also so done with our ex 'friend' who lied to us for 2 years about all the trauma and abuse they went through, and lied to us about all the mental disorders they had. They still consider us to be friends! We are not! They were horribly toxic! I finally had the courage once to tell them about us, and the system, and tried my best to explain things to them, and what everything that I just said meant. I still remember this because I just am so dumbfounded by this; shortly after I finished explaining the difference between genuine traumagenic systems and endos, and explaining what those terms mean, and what DID and OSDD mean, they suddenly said in a snobbish tone of voice, as if they were MOCKING us, "Oh. I think I have that."..I still feel the same dumbfoundedness to this day when I think about it. They claimed that they have DID and are a system...without doing research, or asking anymore details, or being professionally diagnosed. They were also the type of person who would lie and say, "No, you can't get mad at me for that! An alter did that! It wasn't me!" in order for no one to be able to call them out on their behavior...I'm just so tired.

Yeah… endos and their supporters keep taking a lot of things away and then want to claim that “we don’t need a safe space” and harass systems for not following what they believe and then start crying wolf and claiming they “need a safe space.” Like, no. You’re taking away resources and places where genuine systems can be and literally stealing trauma stories because you constantly force people to tell them to you because you want to use them for sympathy.

It’s hard to know what you can believe anymore.

We had a friend like that. Two of them. One of them was fairly young and it was just upsetting because she would constantly mock and act exactly like us, she even went so far as to saying she was trans and bi when the body identified as such and even started using the same sign offs we had as a means of “being similar.” This same girl was wanting us to leave our partner and saying they were going to harm them for no good reason.

The second friend we had, we had felt comfortable enough to open up to them and they went behind our back. On top of that, they had multiple people confirm that they’re a pathological liar. We had told them about being a system and had told them the basics, which they had instantly responded with them being the same, trauma dumped with no spoiler or trigger warning, and then said they knew how to work a lot of things because of role playing (everything was already set up and the way they had done everything I.e the dumping just put us so far away from them).

I wish more people would understand the harm of doing this to people. Yes, you could feel finally able to get out that you’re also a system, but not like that.

I know a lot of people might come after me for it, but just because a different alter did something doesn’t mean that it isn’t also on you. Yes, it’s hard to be like “so and so was the one that said it” but it’s still a part of you and it doesn’t excuse anything. Even with our parts that have hurt someone and someone else comes back to it, it’s still on us (all of us) to fix it and make it better. You can’t just walk away from it. It brings a lot of things down and no one will believe you after that.

Hugs for you, Anon. 🫂

Have a cookie for your troubles.

🍪

#anti endo #did system #system #osddid #endos dni #traumagenic system #actually did #endos not for you #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality #tw abuse mention #tw trauma mention #tw toxic friendship #anti-endo-haven-vents #anti-endo-haven-vent

[eggplantmaniac420]

so get this. its my day off. im just sitting in my house and for some reason i get the urge to look at my ducks. and as im looking something's really nagging at me. i suddenly realize they're not in a row. i dont know if they were always like that or if something knocked them out of the way or something. it doesnt matter. so im just sitting there like "shit, people are always saying its good to get those in a row." its my day off so of course i dont want to do it. i try to sit down and watch some movies but i cant stop thinking about. its pissing me off so bad i can barely concentrate. so i get up from the sofa and i start putting my ducks in a row. shit takes me hours. you wouldnt believe how how many ducks there were. do you have any idea how hard it is to get a single duck in row? let alone a fuckin flock of them? after a few hours my fuckin muscles are feeling weak, my bones are sore. im dreaming about a nice chicken dinner when im done with all this shit. thats how tired fucking tired i was. so fuckin beat i was dreaming about a chicken dinner. jesus christ. so i pick up the last duck, sighing with relief, and im about to put it in the row, when out of the corner of my eye i notice something on the bottom of the duck. im like what the fuckin shit is that. so i turn the duck over and there's a tiny little sticker. smallest shit you ever seen in your life. i get out my magnifying glass and start reading the fucker. right there, on the ass end of the duck, in print so fine a particularly quick amoeba could cross its width in a millisecond, written in an offensively inscrutable font, are the words "WARNING: WARRANTY VOID IF ALL DUCKS ARE PUT IN A ROW"

yeah.

......... you might think i would be angry, but honestly i mostly just felt defeated. for a minute it seemed like all the air got sucked out of the room. all that work. for jack shit. i tried to bargain with myself that the maybe warranty wasn't actually that important but it was no use. i just couldn't help but think about my sister. she had all her little ducks in a row, and everything was dandy, at least for for a while. then one day - it was on new year's eve 1997 - a drunk driver coming home from a party struck a patch of ice. the driver swerved off an embankment, sending the car crashing through my sister's living room wall. one of her ducks was found crushed under the front left wheel. the duck was rushed to the hospital, but it was critically injured and never recovered. the duck spent 4 years in a vegetative stage, racking up millions of dollars in medical bills before finally succumbing to an infection caused by an improperly cleaned feeding tube. all the trauma and the debt and shit really ate away at her. she was down a duck too, and even if she wanted a new one she couldn't afford it what with all the debt. and when she called up the duck people about her duck insurance the first thing they asked was did she put them in a row. the fuckers. i think maybe that made her feel like she was responsible for their death because she was the one who put them where she did, which also meant she felt she was responsible for every terrible thing that had suddenly befallen their little family. i tried to get her to see a psych or something but she just wouldnt go no matter how much i begged. then last october she just disappeared one day out of nowhere. when the police searched her house it was nearly empty. turns out she had sold most of her possessions in the preceding weeks. the only things she seems to have taken with her were her clothes and some toiletries. they found her driver's license completely melted in the firepit outback. practically the only significant thing that she left behind were her ducks. they were still arranged in same row that they had been in since before the accident. i wish i could have taken them in, but its impossible for someone to take another person's ducks. sure sometimes you can borrow them, if you've got permission that is. but taking them into your own home? it cant be done. it's been more than a year now since she left and we still haven't heard a peep from her. i just hope she decides to come back while ma and pa still have some time left. you can imagine how they took it.

anyway, to get back to what i was saying earlier, what could i do? i wasn't about to violate the warranty. i knew what might happen. maybe i coulda just left the last duck out of the row but that somehow seemed in violation of the spirit of the thing to me, and let me tell ya, you do not want to fuck with the spirt of the thing. so, i did not only what i had to do, but i also what felt right to me. that's the only way to really keep your hands clean. i took my ducks out of a row. by the end of it i damn near passed out on the floor. the ducks weren't too happy about being moved around so much, but hey, i wasnt too happy about it neither. i was too tired to feel empathy anyway. so afterwards i lay down in bed and im abou to fall asle- oh hey look, here comes the waiter. do you know what you're gonna order? oh yeah? that sounds real tasty, bud. huh? me? well i think i could go for a chicken dinner myself, ive been working up a pretty big appetite. by the way, did you see the tonights special? have a look at the sign! its duck a l'orange! you think they put em' in a row back there?!?!? HAAAAAAAAAAhaaaaaahaaaahahahaaaaaa

[nerdygaymormon]

Im keeping this on anon because I-I... Well, you'll see.

I've been working on my issues for a while; getting diagnosed properly, working through trauma, and being kinder to myself. And I just... Discovered a huge issue with how I was raised regarding sex.

I was raised Mormon and raised to be sexy but sexless. I had to conform to male ideals of how a woman should look, which was sexy, but if I ever implied anything but being a stalwart virgin I'd be shamed... Or worse.

This has led to two horrific things in my life:

The first one is that I realized I've been fantasizing about being raped since I started puberty as a young child, that being the only 'acceptable' way to have sex without being damned. Ive had a high libido my whole puberty and post puberty life, but no one ever taught me how to care for those urges. Ever. And its intensely horrific that a young child would yearn for sexual violence.

The second is when my parents caught me looking at pornography. It wasnt even porn, it was erotic content, but it was enough they took *every* possible device in my name, cutting off every avenue of communication, and confined me to the house for weeks and started talking about forcing me into rehab for my 'addiction'. The truth was I had absolutely no way to manage my high libido and no one that would help, so I turned to the thing I thought I could hide. I had to essentially escape to the neighbors, claim abuse, and then after months of consulting with my psychiatrist, a psychologist, and two bishops my parents stopped controlling my life (and instead are trying to 'good advice' me into controlling my life anyways)

Over mild erotic imagery.

I already know I need to leave the house and make my parents as minimally involved in my life as possible, and I'm also going to have to wipe my records from the Church to keep them from trying to stalk me. While theyve let me have control, theyre always breathing down my neck and trying to 'drag me back' into the Church... When it was the Church that caused all of these problems in the first place. This is severe sexual and religious trauma and I know I need to leave, but I cant drive, I cant afford a place to live, and if I wipe my records now my parents will get far worse.

Its okay if you don't answer this ask, a-and if youre willing to talk to me in private refer to me as the Barbie Anon and I'll reveal myself, but I need help. Where can I go?

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You're in a tough situation.

I'm not an expert on available resources beyond some national help lines for things like suicide. Actual resources are usually available through your state or city, or from local non-profits. You could try contacting The Trevor Project and asking one of their counselors if they could point you towards resources that could help you leave your home. If you're in Utah, perhaps you could contact the Encircle House near you and see what they can suggest.

I know when it feels like you're stuck in a situation you can't get out of, it feels like this will never end. Please know that life gets better. As we get older, get a job, go to college, go to counseling, get some benefits & assistance, and so on, we get more control over our life and we get to make changes.

Good luck! Wishing you the best!