#which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it -

[hella1975]

yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health

#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit #which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/ #and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it #so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly #i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does #which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it - #is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭 #like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things #im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them #like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time #whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down #and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO #so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am #and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway #and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like #and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl. #like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER #and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just #her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up? #me: why do you need a watch for that? #her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover #me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists #THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH #ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done #latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up #i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house #thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth #godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type #i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community #hella goes home

[theotherpacman]

some positives about the atla live action series bc as much as i am a hater it's not good for the soul or the critical thinking skills to only hate things forever

the costumes are phenomenal. I really love all the live action character designs, they look fantastic

a lot of these young characters LOOK really really young, which is important. aang is a kid and they cast a kid and he looks like a kid. azula looks very young - in the cartoon (esp when you're a kid) you don't really think about it but she is a child. it's important that they're kids

the actors are doing a great job and I don't want to hear SHIT against them

suki's mom!!!!! I LOVE suki's mom as the tough-as-nails leader of kyoshi village. a shining example of a GOOD deviation from the original. changes can be good suki's mom is wonderful 10/10 no notes

some of the cgi looks really good!!! the wide shots of omashu look cool as hell and I know some people hate how the bending looks but I think it looks great. it was always gonna be hard to translate to live action but I think the cgi bending looks about as perfect as it could

lesbian oma and shu... so good so important... lesbian oma and shu

the cabbage man. love him

I thought it was cool how kyoshi like possessed him while he was in the avatar state. an interesting take on what the avatar state entails, lots of potential, and kyoshi herself showing up to save her village was a great use of it

jet oh my god jet they did jet really well

LOVE the secret tunnel musicians

azula being a prodigy archer is fantastic. she should

looks like there are actually a lot of things I enjoy about the reboot :)

(update: I don't know what's up with ian ousley's heritage so I'm just removing the thing I said. it's a positivity post anyway)

#my criticisms are deeper and more pervasive though #come back later for our regularly scheduled hatred #atla #atla netflix #atla live action #natla #avatar the last airbender

[corvidae-00]

Tsudere /sub touch starved Jax in heat that pretends to hate the reader but does things to secretly be with them x a fem happy but smart Uzadere that loves being in the circus.She loves adventures,animals,cute things,fighting,food ect! lots of energy too but can be pretty insensitive and a little selfish with a little crush on jax. I feel like at first jax would completely reject liking her then he would be extra mean,then Maybe subconsciously know he likes her amd hates the feeling lol. cus he copes by trying to not have feelings and tries to act "tough". its pretty obvious that the reader is in love with him but his dumb ass cant catch on . She gives lots of compliments which makes him flustered and mad ( he is mad bc he thinks nobody likes him that much, he is mean to her to make her go away but it doesn't work ) but he pretends not to care. the reader would definitely confesses first tho. Sorry for such a long request its just that not many people write jax in this sorta way so i had to be detailed lol. also if you don't wanna use female pronouns you can make it non gender ofc 😅tysm for even reading such a long thing! and you don't have to do this at all lr you can switch it up. Anything is VERY appreciated tho😊 also i feel like max would be a massive virgin due to how annoying he is...he definitely a horny bitchless rabbit-

AHHHH! MY FIRST ASK ;0; Thank you!!! And i personally LOvE Jax- like its an issue 0-0 but im so happy to write for him first! your request is amazing and i truly love it! i hope i did it justice!!! i hope you dont mind HCs! if you did want a story just hit me back up in the answer box and ill write a lil something for ya! ;)

MDNI BELOW THE CUT+ Warnings: Smutty smut themes, bottom Jax <3- Cussing, swearing, the norm

The Reader definitely brought light to the Circus, when she first appeared she was the TALK OF THE TENT, everyone was happy to finally have someone around to liven up the place- > besides jax- the little shit made it his sole duty to make sure Reader was the punchline of his jokes or somehow always "in his way" and the Reader often got the butt of the assult. > Jax being Jax when the feelings for reader started to arise- he got scared- a little worried- upset even. More at himself than you but still pretty pissy- this just made the tourment wose oh lord- > Reader found this fun, more ways to annoy and poke and proad at Jax, finding his constant target on the Reader absolutely hilarious > Reader always calling the oblivious rabbit pet names!!! *Toots, Fluff butt, Shnookums (Only because it pissed Jax off and everyone would laugh), babes, Etc Etc, > Jax STILL oblivious to the reader ;0; taking it as her teasing him and pushing him and oh no we cant have that!!!! Jax haaates it. Secretly likes it HATES IT- >Despite the tension between the two Jax would often threaten Caine or sneak the other circus members things of value to be around reader. not knowing why- HE IS MADLY IN LOOOVE he wanted to be around Reader!! SMUT >Jax in heat is something i dont think even he saw coming- like they are digital code- BUT DAMN- > Stuck in his room alone humping a pillow and pulling his ears over his face embarrassed beyond belief at his own actions > Reader was coming to annoy Jax concerned why she didnt see him at breakfast (His favorite meal of the day may i add- >Knocking on his door reader had a shit eating grin "Sleeping in pookie?" She calls through the door only a groan and a loud huff was the response she got >Thats rude. Reader thinks and just assuming he is having one of his man period days- Reader enters his room- and boy is the sight she sees amazing- Jax face down and ass up with a pillow under his hips, face flushed a deep purple and his overalls down to his waist- > Reader and Jax are just staring at eachother with wide eyes >"G-GET OUT!!" "Nah i dont think i will" >Lets just say reader helps the little bunny get the relief he was so looking for- >They dont argue as much anymore-

----------------------------------------------------- THANK YOU FOR READING!!! I hope you enjoyed your request and it was too your liking! im still getting back into writing so its a slow process!! let me know what you think!!! thank you so much!!! <3333

#x reader #jax x reader #tadc #tadc jax #the amazing digital circus #jax

[elsfairy]

sitting on sevika’s lap and annoying the shit out of her. poking her face, messing with her hair, kissing her all over and doing whatever you can to get attention until she gets up and leaves, but eventually feels bad and comes back bc she loves your annoying ass

she acts so tough, well let's be real she is but around you she's like a soft teddy bear but if you're doing that in public? she's going to act like it's pissing her off.

Sevika gives me the vibes she hates when people touch her hair, like seriously don't touch her hair or you're gonna get a broken nose type vibe but she lets you because she loves you so it was okay and it was pretty normal for you to mess with her hair whenever she was busy. Feels like an emotional safety blanket, to touch something that keeps you safe, and her hair is somehow one of those things. But if you're only doing it to gain her attention, she's gonna see right through it.

"Stop doing that, I'm trying to focus"

Obviously, I think she is very aware you're a brat, and you aren't going to listen to whatever she's saying to you, which makes kissing all over her face easier because she looks at you with that look. That one look you know too much whenever you and she are alone in her bedroom together before she truly ruins you. I think she would love your kisses, on the inside but because she's in public and has to maintain her cold, hard image then she's gonna once again act like you're annoying her. Might even remove you from her lap, and we all know that's the only place you stay. So that's a shocker to a lot of people. When you're out with her, you're always in her lap.

I think to get her attention the easiest would be to kiss up her neck, that's sacred ground and you know if you start something, god knows you're gonna have to take what she gives you when you're done being a whiny brat. If you do it, and she tenses then you know she's either riled up or she's thinking of ways to tell you off without causing much of a scene. You're a brat though, you don't care.

PLEASE I CAN JUST SEE HER MOVING YOU OFF HER LAP JUST TO RUN OUT OF THE FUCKING ROOM LMFAOOO.

anyway.

You're sensitive, so when she does get up off the chair, you panic. Like full-on waterworks are about to start happening because she's just getting up and leaving you, here... alone. You, being oblivious didn't really think you teasing her and annoying her was all that bad because that was minimal to the other shit you could have probably done or have done before. So you just sit there, all sad, teary and pouty.

But, at the end of the day. She loved you. She loved your small quirks. She loved how openly affectionate you were with her. She loved that you didn't care about anyone else about her. Annoying her too but she loved that. She loved everything about you.

"What are you crying for?"

"You left me here! go away"

"Can't really leave you though, can I? love you too much, Sweetheart"

#my asks #sevika imagine #sevika x you #sevika #arcane sevika #sevika x reader #sevika arcane

[gayleafpool]

Give me some Varian and/or Hugo related angst

Just rip my skin off with it

Go hard bestie

FUCK YEAH

-i think all interpretations of donella are fun, she’s not real so ppl can imagine her in any way they’d like. however my interpretation of her is that shes. kind of awful. she’s cold and distant and imagine she likely had a rough upbringing but she’s the type to think it made her stronger SOOOO she subjects hugo to the same things she went through to try to make him stronger. perpetuating the cycle type shit. i think he got his eyebrow scar from her. i think as he grows older is capable of physically overpowering her but he is so afraid of her that he would never be able to do it because she has so firmly cemented herself in his mind as someone he needs to fear and respect. i also think that donella does actually care about him but she’s so awful at showing it that it doesn’t matter. and when hugo finally is able to leave her behind she’s kind of shocked and it prompts her to try to make things right but it’s just too late there’s nothing to salvage

-building off what i just said i think donella would be very adamant about hiding weakness and pain n stuff. so when hugo gets injured on a mission he learns he has to hide it or she’ll yell at him for showing weakness. so he learns to either take care of his wounds by himself if they’re bad enough or just try to pretend they’re not there. fast forward to him meeting varian and he gets injured one day idk stabbed or something and nobody sees bc he hides it but he can’t get access to stitches or anything to clean it for a lil while so it gets infected and he gets ill and then of course varian finds out and helps him clean the wound (his hemophobia ran away for the day idk. or maybe the wound isn’t bleeding anymore so it’s fine. or he’s not looking too close) and hugo is like. pissed tf off because he hates that he needs help and hates how it makes him feel and varian is just so kind and gentle with treating his wounds and it makes him feel WEIRD and i think after that he has a bit of a moment bc being cared for after so long of not being able to show pain just kinda makes him realize how sick of this he really is

-when varian finds out how badly hugo had been treated by donella i think it would help him forgive hugo fairly fast bc varian understands how it feels to be used and manipulated by someone who has power over u. i think i’ve said it before but i think he had a real bad time in prison. why did they put him in a cell with a grown man. that was such a bad idea. i will not go too in depth abt it but i think he endured a number of types of abuse while there and i also think he would struggle to understand that it was a bad thing. he just lost all of his friends and his father he’s got nobody i think he would be so desperate for someone to care about him that it doesn’t hit him how fucked up the things he went through were until a little bit after getting out of prison. i think he ends having major issues with dissociation after prison bc of what happened to him and he’ll just kinda space out. i have soooo many feelings about this actually this is something very personal 2 me i could go on and on and on damn maybe i should write a fic. alexa play hard times by ethel cain but heed the content warnings

-hugo has major issues w food insecurity. he spent most of his life having to struggle to steal his own food bc donella couldn’t be bothered to take care of him. adjusting to a life where food is always readily available and free would be hard for him. i think it would make him angry. it’s just been this easy this whole time for all these people? why did he almost starve so many times back when he was just a kid? why did he watch the same thing happen to other kids around him? actually just in general i think hugo harbors a lot of anger and frustration towards royalty which again. makes living in the palace very tough. i think it’s at a level where he’s not even annoying and antagonistic towards most people in the castle it’s just like this quiet hatred bc it’s a wound that cuts so deep for him. he doesn’t even really wanna speak to them. doesn’t wanna be around them. i don’t think he really ever gets over this and i think the only person he ever really truly grows to trust (besides varian) is cassandra actually bc she very much understands how he feels

-varian varian varian my bpd king i think he is so talented at forming unhealthy attachments. he’s a weird little guy who spends all his time in his lab so he did not have any friends as a kid and probably got bullied tbh i mean he’s a tiny little nerd and basically for the longest time his dad was his only friend thus u have his first unhealthy attachment there which would explain him going off the deep end when quirin gets nerfed. i also think he got extremely attached to rapunzel eugene and cass as soon as they were nice to him bc again. no friends +ough the disorders. and he puts them on a pedestal. i think this also happened w andrew while he was in prison. and this habit of his makes him miserable bc he gets upset when he can’t be the center of their universe or when other people take priority over him or when he’s not getting the attention he wants but it also makes him more likely to endure being treated badly bc he can have a hard time differentiating between good and bad attention

-i think hugo is scared of becoming anything like donella and he’ll often catch himself doing things to other people that she used to do to him the cycle she perpetuated is so aggressively trying to suck him back in bc she’s literally all he ever knew. he had nobody else to look up to and all she ever taught him was how to be cruel and how to use others and hurt them when they didn’t behave the way you wanted to and it sucks bc he has seen that it WORKS. it’s awful and it’s cruel but it works. and sometimes his brain will tell him that it would be so much easier to just scare someone into doing what he wants but then he remembers that’s what donella would do to him and he just kinda. spirals because he can’t take the idea that someone who caused him so much pain is becoming a part of who is he and he can’t stop it because it’ll happen almost unconsciously sometimes

#asks #OUGH I EXPLODED SORRY #they have soooooo many issues #abuse #<- just in case #also there probably so many typos in this #varian

[luvlyhyunjin]

fuck is yeosang gonna break yeji’s heart now that she loves him? and is he gonna force y/n to be with him in exchange for keeping quiet about everything?

as much as yeji has been crazy annoying the last few chapters, i really feel sorry for her. tbh she’s the main victim in this shit show. like ofc i want hyunjin to know about the bet and everything bc y/n and hyunjin angst is top tier, but also if i was yeji i’d feel humiliated not only by the bet itself but also the fact that people knew about it and didn’t tell me.

idk if it was intentional but i think you’ve done a really good job of subtly showing how alone yeji probably feels rn. the only person paying attention to her atm is yeosang and that’s a trap in itself considering he treats her like shit and is hot and cold with his attention towards her anyway. she’s essentially in a lose-lose situation. and ofc hyunjin has a lot on his plate rn so it’s understandable that talking to yeji isn’t a priority, but i do think he needs to talk to her about her relationship with yeosang at some point. she’s his best friend and he also can somewhat tell it’s toxic relationship since he doesn’t live under a rock lmao. a bit of tough love is great and it’s good that he’s been telling her straight up that yeosang is a bad person and that she’s been lowkey weird since dating him. but as a friend he should also be there for her to seek advice from about concerns in her relationship, and not always dismiss it as simply yeosang’s a dick and you shouldn’t date him. but since he’s made it bluntly clear he hates yeosang and doesn’t want to hear about them she probably feels like she can’t confide in him if she needs to. idk i’m rambling but basically i think it’s completely fine for hyunjin to not prioritise her rn bc of the shitshow going on in his life atm, but i also feel sympathetic for yeji who’s in a manipulative relationship and probably feels isolated since hyunjin has been so dismissive towards her.

and she doesn’t even know about the bet yet so imagine how isolated and humiliated she’ll feel once she does find out. that she defended yeosang and damaged her friendship with hyunjin just for it to blow up in her face. ofc hyunjin will be there for her when that happens but i also feel like she’ll be mad at herself for not believing hyunjin and for ignoring the signs that yeosang is a bad person.

as much as she’s been a nuisance lately, at the end of the day she’s a victim of a toxic relationship and a bet she isn’t even aware of. 🖤

I agree with you yeji is quite literally the ultimate victim in all of this she got played and tossed around first bc of yns misplaced anger and now with yeosang's obsession AND SHE DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING SHE JUST EXISTED 😩 i feel so bad for her fr which is why i also have a soft spot for her tbh as for hyunjin situation i think two major traits that play part in the way he acts is the fact that he''s stubborn and strong headed he's the type of person that just needs to time to cool off and soften up so i do see him calming down and talking to yeji a bit later given he really cares about her and its shown a lot specially at the start where he was going head to head with yn for yejis sake🤧 with yeji tho i dont feel like shes gonna open up about yeo soon only because he probably made her feel crazy with all the love bombing at first and now being cold she isnt sure if its real or in her head which is so sad honestly :( i love reading your thoughts after every part i find myself agreeing with you a lot so thank you for writing 🖤

[eirian]

oc spotlight: patoto (villainverse)

oh man ok. villainverse patoto. probably one of my favorite ocs ive ever made tbh

he started out as a joke almost, a sort of "what if?" au sorta deal. what if patoto was a villainous saiyan? it sounded like such a fun concept i just had to explore it. and then i came up with this design

which was just SO cool to me i couldnt stop thinking about it. and then before i knew it he became his own character--a patoto from a parallel universe where he was a ruthless warrior, totally opposite from his mainverse counterpart

he developed so fast from there. i gave him a companion that ended up being kinpa, and he developed into kinpa's bodyguard. i gave him a rival that ended up being calabris. i gave him a complicated relationship with his parents, one of which he thought was dead for most of his life (his armor is actually based off of hers to remember her by). his universe grew and his story basically wrote itself i was so obsessed with him and still am

here's his current ref showing how much he's grown

even today im still giving him more development and story! as of right now in the timeline (post-mirrors and post-facets), he has a child with his partner kinpa and his family has grown from just him to a group of six including himself! he's learned to have friends and open his heart to others, and he's gotten so strong im so proud of him.

mirrors would have never existed had i not ran with his concept like i did. his character and story contrasting with mainverse patoto's is just so fun and awesome to me and i've always had fun with it and i feel like i'll continue to have fun with it as well!!

i could honestly keep going about some specific details abt him like his relationship with kinpa and zumeg (both of them) and his father and his kid and. yknow what i will LOL

his relationship with kinpa started as just a bodyguard situation but OF COURSE that developed into an actual partnership bc i love that shit. he was this cold and frankly mean guy that wanted nothing to do with kinpa or being his bodyguard--he hated it. but after getting trapped on earth in a parallel universe, he learned to open up to the idea of having at least one friend and letting himself care about someone for the first time since he was a child.

as for his parents...thats complicated lol. (facets spoilers ahead !!!) his mother zumeg was presumed dead when she didnt return from a battle when he was just a boy, and his father left some time before that, so he was basically raised in an orphanage into adulthood (or at least until he could join the army). he met the mainverse zumeg and that shook him to his core bc she was not only so different but she still cared about him and reminded him what it was like to be loved by his own mother. it wasnt until way later, many many years later, that he decided he wanted to find his father and find out why he left them. after getting that clarification, he chose to give his father a second chance at being part of his life--more for himself than his father, really--and then not long after that he discovered his mother was actually alive, just under someone's control. he saved her, and suddenly he had a family again.

i havent quite developed his story with his kid just yet, but so far what i figure is that he isnt experienced with children at all so he does have a hard time balancing the tough parenting act and the gentle, kind parenting. snake (his son) does feel a pressure to be as great as his father, since he's heard the stories of how he saved the universe before and how he continues to fight and reach new heights. patoto is a little awkward at handling this and has a hard time showing that he's proud of his son and that sort of causes a little tension between them but it eventually works out

basically i love villainverse patoto. a lot. i would die for him actually

#oc spotlight

[eusuntgratie]

8, 12, 16, 23 👀👀💚

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

i have some...complicated feelings about buck and chris's relationship and how that's portrayed/talked about especially in how it reflects on eddie. i say shit like THATS HIS DAD and THEYVE BEEN COPARENTING FOR YEARS because they HAVE and i think in a lot of ways buck loves chris like he's his and chris CLEARLY sees buck as a parental figure and eddie REPEATEDLY and PURPOSEFULLY puts buck in that role and is comfortable with him in that role.

where i get the ick is when that's pushed into this idea that chris needs buck, that eddie needs buck, in order for their family to be complete. and i don't know that i can articulate this well bc eddie does need buck, and chris needs buck too. but i also think it is so so important to recognize that eddie is a great father (despite a rough start) and that they were (and would continue to be) just fine without him.

i've even struggled with how i've written this relationship in fic, because it can be a tough line to toe.

i suspect that fandom subconciously leans in to this idea that buck can swoop in and save eddie and chris in large part because buck is white and eddie isn't. and i know that i'm icked by it more because of that.

and this is probably related, but i don't think chris would ever start calling buck anything but buck. the idea that a kid needs to call someone dad/mom/whatever for them to be "important" is bullshit. my best friend and i's kids call us by our first names but they also refer to us as their 'other mom'. i've always called my stepdad by the nickname everyone else calls him. buck has been in chris's life a long time; i don't think he's gonna start calling him something different if they finally get together and/or get married.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

taylor and shannon and lucy on 911. fandom loves to hate any woman that's even vaguely connected to one of the boys. i like taylor because she's interesting, and i appreciate seeing a woman who puts herself and her career first. we see men do that all the time. i don't hate taylor for being selfish. i don't want her with buck, but i think their relationship was SO interesting and was important for buck figuring out what he wants.

i LOVE shannon and i have loved shannon from the beginning. people love to hate her and say she's a terrible mother for abandoning her child. but she was a young woman in an impossible position who had NO help from her partner for YEARS. she tried to do what she thought was best for her son, her mother, and herself. eddie wouldn't GIVE her that space so she TOOK it. and good for her, honestly. did it hurt chris that she left? absolutely. would people judge a father as harshly for doing EXACTLY the same thing? absolutely not. shannon loved her kid, she tried to do her best, but she was pushed well past her breaking point (which eddie is largely to blame for - yes i can love my blorbos and admit they have flaws GASP) and everyone had to deal with the fallout.

lucy is hot and badass and interesting and if you watch her kiss with buck and think anything other than 'fuck, that's hot' then we will simply never agree and i'm not going to argue with you. get off her ass, she's incredible and i want her back.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

miscommunication based pining. i can do it for a little bit, but my nightmare is a 100k+ fic rated t tagged slow burn and mutual pining. JUST OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH! AAAAAAHHHHHH!! i can do SOME pining bc yearning can be really delicious but when the whole reason 2 people are pining for seven billion words is because nobody will just TALK it makes me insane.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

oooh this is tricky bc i am a multishipper to my CORE i want everybody fuckin everybody and falling in love all over the place give it to meeeeee. i feel like the only ship i've ever really been AGAINST is thorki, and that's largely bc of people arguing that it doesn't "count" as incest bc loki was adopted, which pisses me the fuck off. the actual ship i don't really have beef with and i'm sure i would read a fic if someone sent it to me and it was good. idk. it takes a lot for me to be like, ew, absolutely not.

(obligatory disclaimer that you're allowed to like shit i don't like. i'm not telling you your opinion sucks, i'm telling you what i think <3)

fandom violence asks <3

#fandom violence asks #whew these got long #i've got some OPINIONS #lostcol #ask grace

[notthatangry]

I was bored :)

1.Favourite Slipknot era?

vol3 subliminal verses and self titled

2.Favourite song/s?

The virus of life The shape prosthetics the nameless me inside iowa scissors purity Everything ends spit it out diluited

3. Have you ever seen them live? If so what was your experience like?

It was brutal literally I almost die and im 99% sure that corey saw me throw up

4. If you could spend a day with any band member who would it be and why?

Corey bc im almost 100% sure the we would love each other or hate each other no in between and i wanna know

5. Favourite lyric/s?

-SUCK DEEZZ NUTZZ

-I am not a dog but im the one you’re dogging

-You won’t bother me if you let me bother you

-Keep in mind, I watch you Never leave my side, never leave me, fucker

6.When and how did you discover the band?

When i was like 9/10 I downloaded a song and had the all hope is gone album cover and i was so curious about it i look it up and they where Slipknot i loved the masks and I found it kinda halloweenish what i loved but until 13 I didn’t actually hear their music

7.A song that means a lot to you?

Everything ends helped me to accept my rage and actually let me be mad at things

8.Favourite album/s?

Self titled ofc

9.Out of every mask each member has had which one do you like the best and which one do you like the least?

I love mick jim and joey masks those are top tier i like craig and corey masks too i like almost all of them my least fav is that bandage clown mask

10. Favourite Paul Gray photo/s?

11. Favourite music video?

Duality and psychosocial classics

12. If you could choose any artist/band to

collaborate with Slipknot, who would you

choose?

Man idk MGK lmaooo nah mmm chino moreno

13. Ever been to Knotfest?

yes again brutal i loved it

14. How do you feel about the newest members?

They’re good I don’t like to compare, very different vibes tho

15. Favourite group picture?

16. If you could make the world listen to one Slipknot song which one would it be?

Dead memories or snuff bc those are pretty chill

17. Favourite gif?

18. Do you have any band merch? If so what?

I have like an obsession with band shirts so yea

19. What do your friends/family think of the band?

That they scream a lot and my mom says that she likes the “jason masks”

20.What's your dream setlist?

Purity,Scissors ,The virus of life,The nameless,Vermillion ,Prosthetics,Me inside,Nero forte,Everything ends,Disasterpiece,Get this,(Sic),Eyeless,Liberate,Snuff,Gehenna,Killpop,Spit it out,Yen ,The shape,Metabolic

21. Tag your favourite Slipknot blogs

If i follow you you’re my fav

22. Name a song that gets you pumped

Nero forte get this people = shit

23. Favourite Corey Taylor quote?

“I can’t take full credit but i will”

“Pay attention to ME!”

“Lust gets me in trouble so wrath”

24. If you could be any band member for a day who would you be?

Sid bc I would jump everywhere like crazy (i have both feet fucked up too) or mick i like how scary he looks

25. Favourite song that's been performed live?

(Sic) the blister exists purity

26. Use one word to describe Jim's beard

HIPSTER

27. Any songs that have helped you through tough times?

Everything ends snuff

28. First impression of the band?

HALLOWEEN BOIS

29. What do you think of the newest album?

Good but the old vibes is on top always

30. Ever heard of the tribute band Knotslip? If so what do you think?

They r better than Slipknot lmao

31.Did you discover any other bands through

Slipknot? If so which ones?

Stone sour murderdolls

32. You're feeling angry which song do you put on?

People = shit nero forte everything ends

33. You're feeling happy which song do you put on?

Me inside the shape vermillion spit it out custer killpop yen

34.Have you met any band members?

Sadly no hopefully corey someday

35. What song would you love to hear Slipknot

cover?

The summoning by sleep token if you know what i mean ;)

36. Got any Slipknot related tattoos?

No but i want the knot

37. First song you heard?

Psychosocial

38. Vermillion part 1 or Vermillion part 2?

Part 1 aghh

39. Got any cool pictures you've personally taken of the band that you'd like to share?

40. Your chance to say anything you want about the band.

Sometimes I would like to have been born earlier or they would have been born a few years before me ;(

#slipknot asks #slipknot shitpost #shitpost #slipknot

[sherifftillman]

okay i posted photos already but i wanna talk about the weekend so here is a summary: (this is a long post bc am on mobile i am so sorry)

1. FUCK showmasters. money-grabbing, delusional, godawful cunts. i'm glad he only had a 2-event contract with them, but i hope it doesn't put him off future UK cons

2. i got to tell him how much luke's character means to me, that he portrayed an autistic person very sensitively and properly which is tough to get right, that his range is phenomenal and i'm glad he's getting the love he deserves. i don't wanna be That Person and say he wanted to hug me but was ~forbidden~ to, but his arms definitely moved out before he looked at the staff member and then instead reached out to take my hand. he said "thank you, love, your words mean the world to me" and holy SHIT his hands are the SOFTEST THINGS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!! this was also day 1 so he was in the cardigan look and he looked So Ralph i couldn't keep it together lmao

3. when i tell you this man was a CONVEYOR BELT for photo ops. we all joked that you could have put a cardboard cutout in there and it would be exactly the same. same face in all of them and everything. he really seemed done with it all then

4. the panel was. well. about the same as any other. same questions as always were asked. same answers were given. i think bc music as a topic is so opinion based he's been actively deflecting questions about his personal music taste but my GOD did people push that anyway. poor man went into hysterics when someone said to say hi to wes, he was so done with the day. and oh my GOD he hates that panel host guy LMAO his face would be so sweet and gentle when he was talking to the fans and then that guy would open his mouth and jq's face would DROP it was so funny

5. i haven't even mentioned!!!! i made so many friends!!! mostly by wearing my djo hoodie everywhere lol. joe squared supremacy <3 but yeah. i've missed the con experience of just telling someone you like something about them and then spending an entire weekend attached to their hips lol

6. day 2 was SOOOO much calmer. i think bc it was announced super late and also he was only there for half a day. HE HAD A LIL SCRUFF OF BEARD 🥰🥰🥰 and he seemed so much happier. like actual "hello! so nice to see you! how have you been?!" like you see how he is at most cons. he wasn't like that yesterday lmao

7. going off that, when i said "oh you know, just pressing on" he frowned and said "well i hope it gets better!" i said "oh it's great! i've had a good weekend, i hope you have too!" and he went "its been... fucking... lovely!" but the "fucking" was said under his breath in a tone that's usually followed by "mental" or "a shitshow" but yeah. THEN HE WINKED AT ME!!!!!! and said "take care now, won't you?" that's the jq i'd been seeing in videos.

8. photos were much the same but i liked my second one better AND he rubbed my back, said "thank you so much for coming, get home safe!" AND HE WINKED AGAIN

9. day 2 panel was fuckin. EMPTY. i asked him a question about how he said in the wonderland interview that he'd love to pursue a music career, i was like "was that for real or were you just saying it to get to the next question" and he was like "i'm just so lazy, it takes a lot of work to be a musician and i'm not one now, but someday i might start a band" aw. also he is a VERY sarcastic man who i think people take way too seriously lol. also x2 his bitchface towards the host was even less subtle LMAO

10. we saw him leaving and the poor man had his cap on and his head down, he REALLY wanted to leave and i don't blame him in the slightest

11. FUCK. showmasters. they deliberately oversold jq and didn't honour refunds, autographs were either included in diamond passes or bought on the day for £75 IN CASH??? and one of my new friends was the only one left when they cut for time from photo ops, she asked if she could just get one, JOE SAID YES BUT THE STAFF SAID NO. we had one staff member talking to us DIRECTLY about what time jq was paid to stay until, said "but it would be nice if he chooses to stay longer" and then started talking about how last year's summer event was so unfairly criticised?? and was like "even joe said he wasn't stressed" ofc he isn't gonna talk shit about a company he was still legally under contract for??? and one tried to tell us not to sit on the floor, 30ft away from the first aid room door, bc there was NO OTHER SEATING, saying that it's our own fault if we got mauled by a stretcher in an emergency. there was no emergency.

12. i have practically bankrupt myself at artist booths and i'm tempted to do it all again in liverpool in a few weeks lmfao

[maschotch]

You mentioning the fact that they're profilers is so real bc like it honest to god ASTOUNDS me how badly they all read hotch like he so so so so clearly cares for every member of the Bau WAAYYY more than he cares for him self and he's literally never shown otherwise??? Like even the whole drill boss stuff or whatever tf he said he's never aggressive with the group if they mess up he's always understanding but fair and most is pretty much the first one to comfort them (if the script allows) UNLESS he's going through some shit IE the whole divorce plot and foyet AND IT BAFFLES ME HOW EVERYONE FUCKING MISSES IT CONSIDERING ITS THEIR J O B

they’re all kinda bad at profiling each other but istg they have to TRY to understand hotch so poorly… i’m trying to think of a moment where he yells at them when they’re not directly putting themselves in danger or in the immediate aftermath of him getting attacked in his fucking home, but i cant think of anything?? he doesnt like being harsh with them and he learns the hard way with the elle situation that it doesnt get them anywhere. the only time he was unduly upset w someone was with emily in the beginning and that’s only bc he thought she was either a nepotism hire (which she kinda was) or a plant for strauss (which she kinda was)

he’s “strict” but like?? is he?? he does half their paperwork for them and they dont even know it. instead of doing things by the book and getting reid fired, he turned the other way and let him work through his drug problem. maybe he says “no” sometimes, but he usually relents anyway—like when jj has a feeling ab a case or when he calls the fucking vatican for emily. if he was a drill sergeant, would he let garcia keep a bunch of clutter on her desk and dress in bright clothing?? he doesnt coddle them or anything bc that’s not really his personality, but he’s gentle w them and even praises them when he knows they need it. he doesnt always step in and help when he should (i think that honestly has more to do w him being self conscious than anything—he doesnt want a drill sergeant/bully to make things worse), but he keeps a close eye on each of their wellbeing and will quietly urge one of the others to help out if someone’s in a tough spot

sure he doesn’t smile a whole lot and he’s known for his perpetually neutral face, but at the same time it’s not very hard to tell how he’s feeling. he’s effective at his job, he’s good at playing the tough guy, but tbh he let’s things get to him easily. he takes their criticism to heart and does his best to be better. he HATES seeing any of them hurt: ever notice how after what happened with elle he never uses his own agents as bait like that again? he either uses himself (like the fight club episode) or one of the team volunteers and he relents (like emily in the omegaverse swingers episode). they misread his social awkwardness as being cold when really i think he’s just mildly uncomfortable being the center of attention in an unprofessional setting.

it’s wild to me how frequently they misjudge him. i think he kinda knows and almost encourages it?? while still considering their judgements genuine?? morgan is a great example: of all his subordinates, morgan has worked with him the longest, since before he was in charge of the team. so you’d think morgan would have the best insight. but morgan has a complicated relationship w authority figures and tends to be automatically defensive out of habit. essentially, he’s been projecting on hotch since day one and has been blinded by the convoluted series of lenses he sees hotch through: as a constantly rotating mixture of buford, stilinski, and his father. it’s prevented him for actually seeing hotch for who he is, and hotch seems to make no real effort to correct any of those presumptions. but hotch still takes it personally when morgan criticizes him (prob bc it feeds his own negative view of his self worth and uses it as justification for whatever self loathing bullshit he’s on)

basically, hotch knows everyone has skewed perceptions of him and is fine letting their delusions continue uninterrupted—encourages it, even. he’s more comfortable receiving scathing remarks, even if they’re inaccurate, bc it allows him to continue his own delusion ab his place in the world. if they hate him (or if he thinks they hate him), it gives him a reason to hate himself. which is why i think he kinda likes that they’re bad at profiling him. it’s a way to receive that negative attention without actually being vulnerable. it’s a very very passive manipulation—more like he’s allowing them to manipulate themselves—that feeds his self loathing. i think he does it on purpose, so i cant necessarily fault the others for so drastically misunderstanding hotch. especially since they do get better at it over the seasons: they’re able to see through his defense mechanisms a little more, even if they still cant see him clearly

#this is getting kinda long lol and this is technically unrelated so i’ll just say it in the tags: #i think they start getting better at reading him after season 6? #to an extent i think they’re a little aware that they arent seeing hotch clearly #he’s cultivated an odd sense of.. moral superiority? almost? he’s an upstanding guy.. almost otherworldly in his principles #so i think when he BREAKS those principles—lying about emily—purposefully irrevocably unregretably undeniably #their image of him shatters a bit #he’s more.. human #humans make mistakes. humans have weaknesses #even after foyet he was pretty fucking stoic all thing considered. but it’s easy to brush off as a single moment #but the whole thing with emily? #he CHOSE to lie to them. every day. for months #and the fact that they’re suddenly able to be justifably upset with him… making him the target of righteous anger… #idk. it just. it breaks their trust but it also breaks their delusions #he’s not better than them. he’s not at some unattainable moral high ground #he’s just… a guy trying his best. and sometimes his best isnt good enough #he makes a decision thats so out of left field for them that theyre forced to reconsider how they view him #and maybe they realize he’s more comfortable lying than they thought #N E WAY #what were we talking about? lol #asks #aaron hotchner

[solasan]

3, 6, 8, and 19 for Callista and/or Alarice? 👀👀👀

ask me questions abt my ocs <3

— CALLISTA:

3. what is your OC's fatal flaw? are they aware of this flaw?

her kindness lol. which i think is also her greatest virtue tbh?? but she sees the best in people even when that best isn't there, if that makes sense. she holds everyone around her to the moral standard she holds herself to, which means that she kind of expects everyone around her to be a lot better than they actually are? astarion nearly kills her the first time he feeds, for reference. she becomes less naive over the course of the game, but she'd always rather be taken advantage of (which happens multiple times) than think badly of someone / not help someone who seems to need it. she's not rly aware of this flaw in the beginning — she's spent her whole life as an acolyte in the house of the moonmaiden, where this kind of kindness is exemplified as What's Expected, and she's not been outside enough to rly know what's realistic in the world — but she becomes more aware of it as the game progresses, i think? shadowheart despairs of her.

but i'm still not sure that she'd consider it A Flaw even when she recognises that people take advantage of her; i think she more views it as a virtue, and if someone's going to fuck her over, that's on them?

6. how easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

not easily at all. astarion hates her for being so naive bc she just flat-out refuses to do things she's not comfortable with, morally. u could probably get her to turn against her morals by threatening someone she loved — and i mean someone she really loved — but even then, she'd be a tough nut to crack. she's very classic lawful good in that way i think.

8. would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

oof. i'm not sure tbh. morally, definitely not; the guilt would haunt her forever (even pushing minthara into the pit in her office, which is probably the most physically removed kill she's done, messes with her head). but i do think she's smart enough to dispose of a body if she wanted to; the issue is more that i think her guilt would compel her to confess? i don't think she'd make a great effort to try getting away with it; she'd feel as though she should be punished.

19. how does your OC behave when enraged?

she's not loud when she gets angry; she doesn't explode or start screaming. instead she gets very very quiet. quite stiff, too; her whole body seems to almost vibrate with anger but her movements become quite economic, she moves with purpose. her voice gets very cold and hushed, almost difficult to hear, and she snaps out every syllable like a crack of ice. she doesn't get violent bc tbh she's not a violent person in general. but she might give u the silent treatment if she's rly angry, just bc she doesn't want to say something she'll regret. when she's been pissed off in camp — usually astarion's fault lol but sometimes it's been shadowheart, especially in the early days — she tends to just go off to a quiet place on her own so she can calm down. queen of breathing techniques.

— ALARICE:

3. what is your OC's fatal flaw? are they aware of this flaw?

god what part of alarice's personality ISN'T a flaw???? uhh i guess, inversely to callista, her selfishness? or maybe her greed? hm yeah ok i think greed trumps selfishness, if only bc it leads to her doing some pretty fucking stupid and life-threatening shit — turning on allies for material gain, making a deal with raphael only to almost immediately break into his house to undo it, racking up extortionate gambling debts with dangerous people, risking her life in jobs she shouldn't even be taking, etc. greed has also led her to sabotaging a lot of relationships in her life, so generally, her greed has messed her up in more ways than it's helped her.

i think she's always been somewhat aware of it, but it becomes more clear to her as the game's events progress. astarion expecting her to just kind of hand him over to araj oblodra in exchange for a potion (powerful or not) makes her take a step back and look at herself, for one thing. and i think that her and karlach have a Conversation after getting the soul coins from lann tarv in moonrise, if only bc alarice doesn't really? flinch at any of the stories? (save the last one about the kid) and that unnerves karlach.

coming face-to-face with nine-fingers is also another one; nine-fingers was kind of like a mother to her for a little while, so seeing how thoroughly that relationship has been soured by her own selfish & greedy choices rly rly makes her hate herself, so she resolves to change from kind of? late act 2 to early act 3? it's tough, though; her impulses will always be baser and more selfish, and she has to work hard to resist them.

6. how easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

this is a tough question to answer, bc my first instinct is to say "very easily", but alarice... doesn't?? really have?? a moral compass? she has certain no-nos (no mass-murder, no rape/coercion bc of her background, no hurting kids for other background reasons, etc) but she would sell her soul to satan for one corn chip, it is a MIRACLE she hasn't become a warlock. i suppose i'll take it as how easily would she cross those aforementioned lines, and tbh i think she'd do anything for enough money (in act 1 and early act 2), even if it made her feel pretty gross about herself / she had to do some serious mental gymnastics to justify it to herself, so yeah, not super difficult. but as the game progresses those lines become a lot more cemented, particularly as she begins to make genuine connections with the party and their own morals begin to rub off on her a bit, so then it becomes pretty hard to push her past her limits. god, her and astarion are a nightmare couple.

8. would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

answered here!!!

19. how does your OC behave when enraged?

she surprisingly doesn't blow up immediately, even if her personality seems like she would. she's actually very good at just kind of... grinning and bearing it, so she can smile through her anger and even be pretty convincing if you don't know her well. if u do know her well, she has certain tells — her smile can get a little manic and her eyes go kind of cold — but until she's out of the situation that's making her angry, her survival instinct has her hiding it. once she is out, though, she'll go full on apeshit and maybe get a bit violent, depending on who/what she's angry about. where callista runs cold, alarice runs hot, basically.

#tbh callista DESERVES to go apeshit at this point #she's so controlled tho she kinda doesn't... know how?? to let go??? #anyway TYSM AMBER MWAH <333333 #ch: callista lomarel #ch: alarice silversong #answered #bg3 spoilers /

[heniareth]

Okay I have to ask because I'm curious about the spirits/demons you picked for your OCs for this post - why those specific ones? 👀

Well... this is gonna be a long one. I'll put it under the cut. But, right off the bat, because figuring out demons and spirits for someone is like sticking the tail on the donkey XD XD XD No, but I do have some actual thoughts about this and you'll get to hear about them, I actually do love this question, thank you for letting me elaborate!

So, first of all, Ilanlas. Like everything he does, he's pretty clear-cut, bless him. Ilanlas compensates his lack of social graces and his very volatile temper by making himself useful. And not only useful; he has to be the best in his chosen area of interest. In his clan, this was being the best hunter. As a Grey Warden, it is being the best Grey Warden (and becoming Warden Commander is on one hand a success and on the other forces him to reevaluate bc it challenges his social skills). He is extremely competitive and disciplined and has an insanely high standard for himself (which makes his temper worse, but that's the thing about expectations; they're very difficult to tone down). This explains the spirit of excellence; striving for excellence is, after all, something that can be extremely useful and kinda cool. The spirit of hunger is the dark side of the coin; never satisfied, always striving, always hungry for the next accomplishment, the next big step, the next foe overcome, the next whatever. Doesn't matter. As long as he has a goal he is in danger of getting consumed by it. It's not pride; it isn't a thing that's about him or his ego, at least not primarily. It's about his goal and the need to reach it. Like people who run themselves ragged trying to accomplish x thing by y set date and then, once they do, immediately set off to find the next thing to pursue.

Next, Astala. The spirit I've assigned to her is the one that least convinces me. I was thinking of this comment on one of the chapters of Halam'shivanas, which says something I find difficult to put into one word. It's a mixture of she doesn't quit and she wants to protect her family and duty is a big thing to her. It's not hope, that's my biggest starting point, or at least it's not hope in the sense that she has something to hope for or hopes for a good outcome. She's far too much of a pessimist for that. It's more like, when everything's gone to shit, she'll take one more step. Just one more. Because damn her if she doesn't try everything in her power to get out of that situation. And nine times out of ten that one more step is followed by one more step and one more step and so on, because after that first one more step she finds that she has the strength for a second one more step. And perseverance was the closest I came to naming that thing.

Despair, meanwhile, is the only thing that'd keep her from taking that one more step. She's contending with a voice whispering "why bother? It's pointless" the whole time, and it's a tough fight, because her reality is full of overwhelmingly strong forces (the archdemon, the nobility, the discrimination against elves, her mother's death). It would be easy to just lie down and stop. So easy that it scares her. And stopping and not taking that one more step would be very much losing herself, bc it'd be like life has finally beaten her down. This is why I chose despair as the demon most dangerous to her.

And Marelas, he's just is a compassionate one. He is sensitive and very good with people and can easily understand somebody else's situation and be moved to pity. He often hates sitting in judgement because a lot of the people he has to judge have had to make tough decisions that went wrong. He keenly understands that he might one day be in their place and he tries to steer the judgements into actually making reparations for the crimes comitted instead of just punishments. He's a big believer in trying to reintegrate people into society, which is also why Solas in Trespasser confused and hurt him so much. He was their friend, says he still is their friend; he has had every chance to start a new life and he seemed to have found a place. Why does he suddenly insist on destroying the world?

It's this compassion that can turn into rage. My first thought would've been that the demons most dangerous to Marelas would be fear demons, because boy does this man have many fears and a generally anxious disposition, but it's rage. Fear he contends with on a daily basis. Rage? Not so much. Let me tell you a bit about my gameplay experience.

When I was finishing off the last maps in Inquisition (and before the Temple of Mythal but after the Jaws of Hakkon DLC; Marelas was in a bit of a gloomy place), I came to the Din'an Hanin. Oh, but before that there had been a series of things that caught my attention: like the sheer number of servants just absolutely butchered at the Winter Palace. Or the fact that there were no elven slaves to be rescued in the Hissing Wastes (I think it was the Hissing Wastes). Or the whole Exalted Plains map, or the whole Arbor Wilds map, places that had belonged to the elves and were now occupied (and used for that stupid civil war). I didn't like that, and so neither did Marelas, but he was keeping it in and dealing with it in his precious spare free time because he had a darkspawn with aspirations of godhood to defeat. And then, Din'an Hanin. I (and Marelas) were like "Hurray, a mission with Dalish elves! We'll meet them at their camp like in the Exalted Plains and they'll guide us around!" and jovially marched into the ruin. And then we saw the first dead elf.

If there was ever any moment at all in Inquisition where Marelas would've been at risk of posession, it would've been that moment. And it was not because of fear, but because of pure helpless rage. When I remember the whole area (which talks about Falon'Din, no less, who is the god Marelas has the strongest bond too), I remember this terrible hollow feeling. And really, out of character, how many dead elves do we need for shock value? I am still salty over that as you can see. Marelas was beside himself at first and then absolutely numb. If I'd had any more maos to finish after this he would've gone after the red templars and venatori with a viciousness totally uncharacteristic of him. Compassion has its limits, and when a peaceful man gets truly angry it gets ugly really quickly.

(Also, I have always had a thing for righteous anger, but in this case tragedy had already struck. Nothing to defend here. Just monsters to kill)

So yeah, this is an overview on my choices for the demons and spirits for these three. I hope this sarisfied your curiosity, but please do not hesitate to ask more if you want ^^ I love talking about the little people in my head

#astala tabris #ilanlas mahariel #marelas lavellan #spirits of the fade #demons of the fade #dragon age #dai #dao

[whoslaurapalmer]

i really should keep a diary regularly again but i am not and i like validation so you're all fucking stuck with me!!!!!

-sometimes i am like 'this is fine!! we're fine!!!!!' and it's average! and sometimes i am like 'aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' because everything is still happening!!! we're fine but it's happening!!!!!!!!!!!! my mom is getting chemo and it's a thing that's for sure fucking happening in my life!!!!!!!!

-they're pretty confident that she should not be sick from it. but this is a very intense phobia of mine so that's. a thing. in my head somewhere

-it's tough when you have 1) sinus issues 2) a breathing tic that involves sniffing/big inhale/a sigh, depending on the moment 3) developed severe anxiety with breathing last year that you are painstakingly working through 4) CRY A LOT 5) are not as active as you were between anxiety and three or however many years of a pandemic it's been by now

-sometimes i literally just cry because i keep going 'you're okay!!! everything's okay!!!!'

-idk about that one chief

-i feel a lot like i am breathing too fast or not enough and need to remind myself that i can breathe but it's!!!!!!!!!!!!! hard. and i'm a lot better than i was earlier in the year but it's still. hard.

-sometimes i wake up and within like a minute all the anxiety just drops back down on top of me and i hate that a lot :(

-but i get to see an ENT on wednesday and my neurologist appointment is FINALLY next week! and hopefully. that should work out.

-i always get scared doctors won't like me or will say 'well i don't see the problem what do you want me to do' and it's not like. they've ever said that before but some doctors certainly haven't liked me and i get :(

-like!!! you don't forget when you were a kid and a doctor didn't like you or thought you were difficult. even if it was only like once or twice. you still remember. or i always do

-i miss taking not otc sinus medication bc when i was younger i didn't have big sinus problems!!!! just sinus infections twice a year but that was because. i was In School

-sometimes i really really miss my dad. just to have somebody else in the house who can adult. who can take care of me and my mom so we don't have to take care of each other.

-he wasn't perfect and i think as i got older we wouldn't have gotten along. very well. but he was my dad and he loved me and he loved my mom and i miss him being here a lot because there'd just be somebody else

-and he loved to laugh and at least he'd make me laugh :(

-i don't think i ever really really let myself be upset about losing my dad when i was a teenager

-he had a handkerchief i loved when i was a kid and i carry it with me a lot and the funny thing is it's a fucking. bud light handkerchief???? but it has spuds mackenzie on it and when i was a kid all i saw was cute dog!!!!

-it's held up very well for yknow. being from the 80s.

-a lot of the time i just want Somebody Else being the one to tell me i'm okay and everything is gonna be okay. i mean it's still gonna make me cry to hear it bc i cry when people are nice but it's nice to hear it from just somebody else. Somebody Else who just!!!! knows better than i do!!!!!! knows everything better than me!!!!!!!

-i feel like i do therapy wrong bc i still cry a lot and i feel like i don't explain how upset i get right or what i feel like

-i like my therapist fine i guess but we have only had like!!! idk six sessions or something???? if that??? and that's not a lot in the grand scheme of therapy!!!!!!

-i want to get to the root of my anxiety, mariann!!!!! not just think of things to do about it!!!!! i want to talk about all the stupid shit i don't let go of!!!!!!!!

-I WANT TO MAKE A GOAL LIST, MARIANN, WHICH I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD'VE ALREADY ADDRESSED IN LIKE THE FIRST OR SECOND SESSION

-anyway i see her tomorrow but sometimes i autopilot and i don't say the right things during an appointment and i feel like i do everything wrong :(

-and i love my psychiatrist but i hate that he's out of network and expensive and can only see me once a month :(

-he did prescribe prozac (and greatly emphasized 'lulu. you don't have to take it. you can fill the prescription and keep it on the table and just look at it. it's okay.') but i am not particularly enthused about 1) the adjustment period (like. oh very obviously from the top of this post i CANNOT at ALL handle one of the side effects even for any length of time.) (i don't actually typically GET medication side effects but i'm still not fucking chancing it on THAT) 2) the idea that it might not work and i would have to change doses or medication and do the adjustment AGAIN 3) the idea that eventually that could stop working!!!!!!!!!

-LIKE ISN'T THAT JUST COUNTERINTUITIVE?????? TO THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAMN THING?????????

-i also don't know if i can swallow it. it's not terribly big but. it's bigger than i wanted it to be

-anyway. big switch comes this week and i am. very excited. and my mom and my brother are too!!! and that's something to look forward to.

#i stg i am hitting readmore and if this posts without it i am scrambling to put it back in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i can't preview posts anymore in the newer post thing. i cannot aperçu :( #i miss you aperçu.

[1eos]

saw your tags in your post abt your virgo grandpa and i would love to hear your opinions on church culture 👀

omg thank you for giving me the floor *takes the mic* i will preface what will most likely turn into an essay by saying this is my pov as someone who grew up in the black southern christian scene not a critique of organized religion in itself. i can only speak for what *i* grew up with nd in general i believe organized religion can and is beneficial to ppl

but anyways church culture esp in the south just gets soooo toxic sooo fast mainly bc of the weird way they uplift leaders in churches. likeeee just from my personal experience i do not trust preachers there's something very smarmy about a lot of them nd i think all the social power goes to their heads. likeeee these preachers will be in areas with crazy poverty pressuring the congregation to tithe so THEY can drive up in a crazy expensive car while the needs of their ppl go unmet

like there's a really bad flex culture in churches. sometimes it's wealth other times it's ~appearing~ super pious nd perfect which leads to a LOT of judgmental behavior which then makes the church super cliquey or even hostile. like the way ppl will smile in your face then talk shit abt what you wore or the shit going on in your life is crazyyyyyy. there's so much backstabbing nd ass kissing esp when it comes to the families' of pastors. like why do i need to suck up to the daughter of the pastor? who the fuck is she? who the fuck is HE? a lot of these churches try to make gods out the men leading their churches instead of trying to build a community

like you can't be a safe haven for the downtrodden AND give one person so much power over ppl. esp bc black christianity is often taught in a way that's mostly fear mongering trying to dissaude ppl from asking questions or speaking up when they have a problem bc that's 'not having faith' or whatever the hell they call it. instead of opening up conversations a lot of churches want to brain wash you with backwards interpretations of the bible that suits some ulterior motive. congregations will be against gays but deadass have a preacher that's an adulterous scammer creep THAT THEY'RE PROTECTING. but a lot of religious ppl hate the sin getting out more than they do the sin itself

i could wrote a whole fucking novel on church culture tbh. but at its core it tends to be hypocritical, cliquey, nd way too focused on social climbing. OH OH OH OH AND ANOTHER THING.

theres always a crazy emphasis on telling ppl to just bear the horrors of life nd to weather thru anything nd its ok to be miserable all your life bc when you die you'll finally be happy and like. barely any help on how to realistically cope with things. some churches now are more progressive accepting science when it comes to mental illness but too many ppl act like humans are just meant to suffer. nd that praying will make the suffering bearable nd no you don't need a therapist you just need to pray more! there's such a stigma with wanting life to be better which essentially creates complacency. yes prayer can ground you when times get tough but along side that it's ok to take action nd to seek other kinds of help

too many organizations are stuck in the past like churches COULD be hubs of change nd healing again but too many are stuck in the past and that adds to what makes the vibes so unwelcoming!!!!

#i have way too many thoughts but i have a lot of complaints from being forced to go to church all the fucking time

[mypralaya]

having very tangled Haven-adjacent thoughts about how we view victims/survivors and how like ok, so you know how being too masc is penalized in women but so is too femme? Like yes women in media who are hyper-feminine in a specific way are portrayed as bimbos and ditzes and there to be shown up by the Cool Girl. . .but the Cool Girl isn’t butch either. She’s sexy-looking and her clothes are def designed to show that, but in a “cool” and “tough” way that make it look like gosh she didn’t INTEND that, she doesn’t ever wear makeup yet her makeup is always perfect even in the most extreme situations, she eats like a construction worker and doesn’t care about her weight but is always going to have a super taut toned skinny body no matter what that is going to be displayed sooner or later, etc. She’s frankly WAY more of an impossible standard than just wearing dresses and makeup, while also being attractive and acceptable to straight male audiences; all her “tomboyishness” is specifically calculated for the male gaze. Masc and/or butch and/or gnc are in no way being elevated above conventionally feminine women here, NEITHER can be this because it requires not making an effort at conventional femininity while also reaping all its benefits without any of the penalization. That’s not a possibility in the real world. And I feel like the way media and by extension a lot of people view victims/survivors and their portrayal like that, like you have to hit this impossible sweet spot. I have A Lot of Feelings about how survivors are expected to Be A Certain Way to be worthy of sympathy and compassion, to be delicate traumatized flowers who are just sad in a fragile beautiful way, or, if they do lash out, it’s never at the wrong people or someone undeserving, and if you deviate from this you’re As Bad As Your Abuser. It’s also why, while I absolutely have so much love for very kind and soft pacifistic characters like Haven, I am very very dubious about posts praising people for being soft despite hardship or trauma and how strong and good that makes you because like. . .what does that say about people who aren’t still soft and kind and sweet? Are they bad? Weak? And why does a trait need to be labeled as “strong” to be worthy? I hate that “we have to call this STRONG” mentality, instead of just questioning why only strong traits are considered good. But back to my original point, I don’t think these posts MEAN to put down one kind of person at the expense of the other, and some DON’T because they word it right, but many don’t word it right and it comes off as “good job not being like THOSE PEOPLE” BUT AT THE SAME TIME I feel like you’re also penalized in a different way if you’re too passive or soft. If you aren’t seen as angry enough, or fighting back enough. I see a real strain of Not Like Other Girls in a lot of fiction that deals with trauma and abuse, in which our lead is Special because she always fights back every time and is therefore Better than the girls who just give up and accept it, because how dare they try to avoid being hurt even worse I guess. And maybe it’s just because I’m in a superhero fandom, but the “healing” journey for so many ---every, even--- abused traumatized figure inevitably involves them inflicting violence on others. Typically the people who abused them and then ever bad guys too, and I am not saying that’s a bad thing AT ALL, but it seems like it’s the only acceptable narrative. There’s a lot of “I am going to show I am NOT just a weapon by. . .killing a lot of people!” and not any “I am going to show I am not a weapon by living a peaceful life apart from all this shit and taking care of myself” and like I get that’s not what people are looking for in the superhero genre so I should maybe just look into other genres instead of complaining but I just feel like it speaks to this mindset that’s very entangled with Western toxic masculinity values---regardless of the gender of the person---about adversity making you strong (bc the torture and abuse and trauma is ALWAYS what MADE this person so cool and deadly regardless of how bad it’s portrayed) and dominating over all your enemies in the end and THAT being what “fixes” you so like, you can’t be too angry and bitter and definitely not to the wrong people, your trauma can’t be an inconvenience, but also if you’re NOT angry enough in a very specifically Badass way you’re not worthy of stories, just contempt, and it just feels like the “you should have fought back more” mentality under it all. You even see it in how some people will talk about how superior “survivor” is to “victim” because victims are so gross and sad and piteous and contemptible, like being a victim is the most disgusting thing in the world and it just feels like this very toxic mindset. . .whereas Survivor implies you’re a total badass (and also conveniently does not imply a perpetrator as the term “victim” does) and is much more in line with American cultural values

and I am NOT saying survivor is a bad term or should not be used for people who prefer it but I am saying the contempt and disgust with how many people will talk about victim, victimhood, how people use negative terms like playing the victim, perpetual victim, and so on, how characters like Cinderella are criticized for not standing up to her stepmother or not running away and how DARE she need outside help to save her, it reminds me of the Cool Girl issue. You can’t be too soft, you can’t be too hard. You can’t be traumatized in ugly aggressive ways, but if you’re not aggressive ENOUGH you’re stigmatized too as a worthless doormat who isn’t worthy of stories or representation and you’re A Bad Example. You have to be Black Widows and Wolverines, a Cool Badass Survivor whose trauma just makes them Cool and Badass and they kill a lot of people but it’s all BAD people and I also understand the value in that kind of fantasy but like idk I’m just kinda tired of these impossible dichotomies, and it came to mind because so many musings/quotes/inspiration posts I see just Don’t Work for Haven, because she’s not a “you’re so strong for being soft” person but she’s also not a “I am the weapon you made me and now I will turn against you, I am no mother I am no bride I am KING, some girls have sharp teeth, etc” either. Like I do think her power is in being soft and kind but also like. . .not in the very simplistic way these posts seem to imply? and like I said they also tend to imply NOT being that way is bad, in the same way that the opposite kind of posts tend to imply NOT being angry and hard is bad. . .and also maybe I just overthink everything and am nuts.

#meta #sorta #i know that haven is barely mentioned in this but she's what made me think of it #and i probably didn't phrase half this like i intended