#when one is alone and lonely

[warpspeedch1c]

#mary oliver #poems and poetry #prose #when one is alone and lonely #requiem for a dream #i wish i could live through something #dull days

[autoraton]

same as it never was.

#variant + wip under the cut! #back to the future #bttf #marty mcfly #fanart #my art #illustration #having big lone pines timeline feelings. can you tell #tfw when you're you but you're not You. #you're not the You they know and you're not the You they grew up with or raised and you're not the You who belongs here #tfw everything is better but nothing is right #but if you're the only one who knows any different #then is it really everything else that's the problem? #tfw you overwrite your entire reality but in doing so you created a world you don't and can never belong in #tfw you alone remember a childhood that never existed because you destroyed it #tfw you technically committed temporal genocide but your mom needs you to make space on the table for the turkey #as you can see i am normal about marty mcfly

[smash-chu]

Long distance loneliness

#my art #doodles #smash-chu's art #not having the luxury of being able to just drive and see someone i know and love #having all my human connection come from digital screens when not visiting my family once or twice a year #it makes your heart sink down into a place that is hard to get out of #a place of acceptance that i will just have to live with being lonely #i love my friends #i just wish they weren't so spread out away from me #in a way i was left back here cause i was the only one that didn't move back to their parents #and now i struggle alone being comforted via keeping in touch online #but it can never replace seeing face to face #getting to be right there next to someone #touch starved is a understatement #but for now that is just how it has to be #anyways #my period is frying my brain making every feeling feel more intense so i feel super fucking alone right now #it's fine it'll go back to being numb soon enough #but sometimes you just need to let stuff out

[ruporas]

can’t talk about it

[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.

Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We  can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."

The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"

The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."

The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."

The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."

The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]

#vashwood #trigun #trigun maximum #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged #back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this #department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being #alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever #badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of #guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too #i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time #it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally. #evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay #they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their #desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even #if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years #they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg #and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone. #ruporas art

[redbean-nom]

fascinated by the implied fennec-ventress-phee friend group in tbb. even more interesting (funny) when you add boba in there during the tbobf era.

#star wars #tbb #the bad batch #tbobf #tbb phee #fennec shand #boba fett #asajj ventress #bossk #black krrsantan #i think fennec is literally the only one of bobas friends shorter than him lol #phee is normal about it #ventress on the other hand #she is like 6 ft tall she is using everyone as an armrest #okay but. now that boba is at actual war with the pikes #ventress is probably the best possible ally for the situation #like one. LIGHTSABERS AND THE FORCE #two. shes already on the pikes bad side; she has no rep to lose with the pikes if she does help boba #three. nobody in bobas entire retinue knows how to command anything larger than a small strike team #between boba fennec and krrsantan they're a full team of lone wolf solo hunters #they can barely coordinate a four person team let alone an army big enough to fight the pikes #in that last battle in bobf iirc boba straight up disappeared and returend with a rancor kaijuing everything with 0 warning to his friends #and they just kind of lost track of the shiny vespa gang #anything larger than krayts claw and boba just. loses everybody #he's busy fighting not looking for people! #on the other hand theres ventress who has several years of commanding literal millions of droids in massive-scale battles #boba: listen ill forget about quarzite if you help. please. i have an army and no clue what to do with it #boba: my friends dont know either i already asked #phee is their resident smuggler (very very useful when dealing with pike spice trade) and probably knows all the tattooine pike routes #boba please. you need some diversity on your team. you can't fight a war with eight solo assassins smushed together.

[kiranerysismyhero]

what if how we could have both ezri and jadzia in s7 went like this:

jadzia is mortally injured, and the destiny is trying to get her/dax back to trill while she's still on life support. ben comes along bc jadzia is not actually dead yet and he has good reason to distrust the symbiosis commission.

things take a turn and it's looking even more urgent for the symbiont. ben doesn't want to let anyone remove dax from jadzia (again) while she's still alive but is overruled by starfleet brass at the behest of the commission. the ship's surgeon joins dax to ezri, who in this version is still just as reluctant but now at least the 15 minutes of improvised lecture substituting for years of preparation comes from ben. like how would he approach that conversation?

ezri wakes up and meets ben this time as dax... but in the next bed over jadzia is still hanging on. an hour, then two pass and the symbiont's vitals are a lot more stable now in ezri while jadzia is not doing well but is still fighting for her life. the destiny's doctor is kind of lost because they tried to contact trill about how they should care for jadzia but all the symbiosis commission wanted to talk about was dax and how soon could they get their hands on ezri

and ben is like 'okay i know you just met me but also you've known me for lifetimes now... hear me out...' and ezri's like 'yup solid plan let's do it but also what if we took even more risk bc dax's got a bit of starfleet medical now too' and ben's gotta be 'oh i had more appeals ready that you didn't even wait to hear, okay'

basically action sequence now– the destiny had slowed down to respond to an emergency signal and pick up some escape pods bc y'know dominion war, and ben and ezri work together to sneak jadzia into a biobed and off the ship in a runabout. and we see some of ezri accessing previous hosts as they hide the runabout in the debris field and get some distance before the destiny realizes they're missing

and just when it seems like the destiny is going to find them as ezri's breaking down a little bit about 'i'm a counselor and i'm still in training and out of all these lifetimes i'm still the one with the most medical knowledge in here??' as she tries to keep this woman that she remembers being stable-ish in stasis... the defiant decloaks! grabs them! re-cloaks! outta there!

julian checks that ezri is really really sure and then does what the symbiosis commission was never going to consider as an option: rejoining dax to jadzia now that the symbiont has been rehabbed/bolstered by ezri

jadzia is able to recover, if slowly. ezri is physically relatively unharmed by the ordeal, but a whole lot of psychological upheaval just happened and this woman is sat here making jokes about remembering being ezri for a hot minute and while ezri no longer remembers being jadzia, she does remember remembering being jadzia... it makes her head hurt. and jadzia's just like 'nah it was still less traumatic than last time when i had to be awake for more of it' and ezri just desperately wishes she could remember what the hell she means by last time

the symbiosis commission is piiiissed. they reallly want to excommunicate dax, jadzia, and/or ezri for all this but ben's like 'i'm adding the viability of respite care for symbionts to the list of info that you don't want me to share with your whole society' aand the symbiosis commission concedes under the condition that ezri is now GOING to be the next dax, WHENEVER that may be, there has been eNOUGH hot potato with this worm already, you two are going to STAY CLOSE so you don't end up pulling anyone else into dax's chaos being another intermediary when the time comes

so now jadzia and ezri are bureaucratically handcuffed to each other and both alive and have fascinating things to talk about :)

#ezri dax #jadzia dax #ds9 #ds9 spoilers #star trek spoilers #deep space nine #ds9 s7 #worf: 'you are not going to move into our quarters and watch us fuck' #ezri and jadzia: 'NO ONE SUGGESTED THAT!!' #maybe she's given her own quarters but avoids spending any time in them bc suddenly it's lonely being alone in her head #maybe she still tries dating julian and it's not good bc she's using him for company and he's #well he's always spending more time with garak or miles anyway #when voyager returns to the alpha quadrant ezri and seven 👀👀

[dayurno]

what are ur fav useless hcs. about kevin or anyone from aftg :) like they aren’t really significant but just little things you like to think about. bc i have so many but no one ever talks about theirs and im curious if you have any!

YAY i love this question and also feel free to send me yours too i think useless hcs are really fun

i think renee is a fast and furious fan and an action movie enthusiast….. in the first kevjean fic i’ve ever written there was a scene where she sat jean down and made him watch half of the fast and furious franchise with her and he hated it so bad but he couldnt tell her that so he just sat there very awkwardly the whole time. and renee knew he hated it but she loves the damn movies so much she thought it was a worth it sacrifice. i also love a dyslexia/adhd hc for renee, i think she has a hard time in academia and has a really really really fickle attention span. if you put jean and renee in the same room they might be able to finish a short book between them but its going to take at least 8 hours because they're going to get sidetracked talking to each other about dumb stuff

ex smoker jeremy is still real and beloved in my heart... i think he quit cold turkey in his junior year and it still gets him more often than not, but he's trying and that's all that matters

neil shoplifts on instinct. doesnt even think twice of it

kevin actually HATES the gym. he will not confess to this in any way shape or form but he genuinely hates it. its so early in the morning and the movements are so repetitive and its so boring. in evermore at least there was the threat of getting beaten up if he didnt do his sets right, but in psu its just plain boring. he will still go but he will hate every second. get this man to a court now

jean is horrible with performing small actions :) i think he has big shaky hands that struggle w the minutiae of any process ever. you do NOT want to ask this man to put thread through a needle or give you an injection or pack you a bowl or even light your cigarette. the #irreversible damage of multiple head injuries

also do let me know urs cause i also love hearing about this kind of stuff! i love small hcs... save me mundane realities of life. save me characters with little details

#if you combine jeans shaky hands with the gym you get a man who almost broke kevins foot in evermore three different times bc of #dropping weights #ITS HARD OUT HERE.......................... #also i think renee is such an adrenaline junkie but she knows its bad for her so she lives vicariously thru fast and furious #renee when she has a bad day: oh vin diesel we're really in it now #this is less of a tiny hc but i actually think renee is really good w being alone? i feel like shes really good at enjoying her own company #stephanie couldnt be around her all the time so she learned how to entertain herself #so i think shes one of those people that dont ever get lonely at all. she loves the world so bad and it loves her back #shes very mary oliver saying time spent alone is still time spent w the world #asks #renee #kevin #jean #neil #jeremy

[electricfied-wolf]

Once again I am the ONLY "I Do" defender. SOMEONE back me up here.

#starlight express #stex #COME ON. wHY AM I THE ALONE ONE WHO CRIES TO THIS SONG. #“I see you when you're looking lonely. And I hope that everything's alright.” ON THE FLOOR. SOBBING. WHY IS IT JUST ME. #I'm trying to distract myself with silly trains but the tragedies are still Looming

[napping-sapphic]

hmmm but that moment when you’re lonely when you suddenly remember there’s hundreds of other lonely people in this world and suddenly it feels just a little easier to breathe

#when you sit alone in your room thinking about everyone else sitting alone in their rooms #when you know inherently that they’re out there getting through their lives just the same as you #when you’re lying on your bed and realize someone out there is lying the exact same way as you thinking the same thoughts #idk im feeling a way rn #because im so lonely but so so NOT at the same time #because i have a whole world around me #lying in bed thinking the same thoughts i had at 13 and the world has changed so MUCH and it’s only going to change more #and it’s going to be so BAD and so GOOD and so TERRIFYING and so EXCITING #ughhhhh ignore me this doesn’t make sense or it does i dont know #you’re all out there so so many of you #and how can i be lonely when i know at least one of you will read this and intimately know what it means #im going crazy #someone needs to take my phone away when i wake up from naps so i can’t make these posts anymore #which - by the way - the nap slapped #and the pondering of the world just so happens to also slap #apparently

[ta-bajna-cerna-okybaca]

Now that I finally got to play TWST diasomnia chapter 1 myself, I'm gonna need everyone who said Malleus was a baby throwing a tantrum for no reason to pay me 2000 dollars each

#twst #twisted wonderland #yes it did take me until the second to last day of the new chapter event to finish book 6 what of it #in my defense i had no good leona&jamil cards for chapters 66 and 67‚ i'm glad i managed to do it at all. robe malleus carried the team <3 #anyways! i haven't seen this take in a while but i remember it popping up a lot earlier this year when we got diasomnia on the jp server #as a member of the malleus defense squad i can't bear all this slander and now i have proof it's baseless #his overblot is one of the most justified ones??? what do you mean no reason #He's already established to be constantly left out and lonely because of it #And now he gets hit with the triple whammy of 1) realizing his fellow students' mortality after book 6 #2) learning that his father figure is dying and in one week fucking off to fantasy china to live out his retirement without him #3) his best friend the MC telling him they found a way to un-isekai themself #Maybe he could have weathered one of those‚ but all three at the same time? #Poor guy stood no chance‚ those are hits straight into the trauma #Of course he's gonna have a breakdown! It's not his fault breakdowns in twisted wonderland come with a side of destructive berserking #And to be fair from what i've heard in spoilers all he did was put the whole school to sleep he didn't even destroy all that much #like yes putting everyone to sleep so they can live forever and never leave him is not a healthy reaction #but this is Unhealthy Reactions The School it's not like he's such an outlier in that #leave my boy alone 😭 #excuse my ranting i'm just insane about twisted wonderland and malleus specifically

[gunkbaby]

His saying he’s friends with the grass is so real i literally used to do that with houseflies

#when ur so cosmically alone u start talking to ur gut bacteria and ur gametes #he just like me fr #for real #gunk #shuucore #shuu tsukiyama #tg gunk #manga panel #also putting a collar on a mouse…shuu…let’s not add animal abuse to ur list of criminal activity #reckon shuu Tsukiyama the type of guy to put a bow on a spider #are you. KIDDING. #he’s so lonely it makes me sad that he was following hori around #like i get him i understand him sm #u have one friend after being completely alone and then u get really attached and all that does is push them away #you will always be alone. and so ready and waiting to love. #you will love whatever gives you the slightest attention. #and you are utterly wretched and undeserving of all of it.

[bachirasbodyguard]

i think about this daily. btw

#*taking a drag from a cigarette and sighing* these guys are trying to kill me #the damage these 2 could be doing if they only knew how to care about each other in normal and less obsessive and harsh ways #that panl of sae thinking abt rin after that 'but in terms of what they (BL) see and where they're going they're miles above you (u20)' lin #makes me sick. SICK. #sobs #the way he wants rin to be better than him and reach higher but knows that rin will never do it with the mindset he has towards fotball now #remember how he called rin an exceptional talent? or just me #anyway. #i shan't talk about this nay more because i've come to understand i'm probably one of the 3 people on the planet who actually like Sae #and I have too much to say. and frankly I think i've lost my objectivity when it comes to his character but #he's constantly microwaving in my mind. constantly. just know that. i've figured him out. #when I think of sae in my mind he's always alone. and i often think of how lonely and crushing his teenage years must have been #anyway #whatever #itoshi brothers..... hang in there #the bit abt the last day on earth is from the egoist bible btw #mine #itoshi sae #sae itoshi

[zaddyazula]

there’s been posts (recently enough) talking about how kaz was denied an honourable death, and my addition is that he died just like his parents. kaz died all alone in the middle of alaska, just like how his dad died all alone in his big mansion and how his mum died all alone in hospital. and the two times he could’ve had an honourable death were when other people were around him, and when he actually does die, again he is alone. i just think about that sometimes.

#TWICE HE WAS DENIED AN HONOURABLE DEATH AND THE DEATH HE GOT WAS THE ONE HE WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE #BOTH TIMES HE MIGHT’VE HAD AN HONOURABLE DEATH WERE ALONGSIDE OTHER PEOPLE. AND WHEN HE DIED HE WAS ALONE. #HE GOT THE DEATH BIG BOSS DESERVED. I’M NOT EVEN GONNA PLAY AROUND. I LOVE BB BUT HE DIDN’T DESERVE DYING IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER PERSON #THAT’S WHAT KAZ SHOULD’VE HAD. KAZ SHOULD’VE DIED AROUND PEOPLE. HE SHOULD’VE BEEN GIVEN A DEATH THAT WASN’T LONELY LIKE HIS PARENTS #HE DESERVED SO MUCH FUCKING MORE #kazuhira miller #mgs #big boss

[piplupod]

my method of "getting better" has just been Do Everything Possible and latch onto whatever gives you any sense of purpose and/or joy. and i guess it's been working because i am definitely not in quite the same place that i was a few yrs ago

#like i have tried so many things #any opportunity for trying a thing that is supposed to be helpful is met with ''yeah sure why not'' #counselors love me for it LMFAO #''its impressive that you're willing to try these things :)'' girl if i dont then I'll kill myself. it's not gonna hurt me to try #if it goes badly then i have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself but then i immediately move onto the next thing #and i can always draw shitty art. thats always there for me. i can rotate my OCs in my brain. i can watch a show or listen to a podcast #those are always available if nothing else works out #and maybe it helps that i have a deadline of ''if life is still intolerable by x time then you can kill urself'' dhfjdkl #operating by that makes me want to put in more effort bc theres a time limit #also doing all these things has given me a sense of identity outside of having irl ppl around me #i couldnt control that for a long time (very very very lucky to have joined the old lady group recently) so i had to make do #and it is hard and it is scary and it is very often nearly unbearably lonely. but when u throw urself headfirst into ur own stuff #then u don't focus so much on the Aloneness of it all. and also u get to post abt ur hobbies and stuff and make friends online that way #idk !!! it is a hard spot to pull urself out of but taking a single step at a time is incredibly helpful #trying things and doing things and keeping on trucking gets u thru it one way or another #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide mention

[im-smart-i-swear]

What's Tashi's relationship with Webby and Taka like? Cause while I can imagine him being just as protective and smothering, as he's with Stick (maybe a bit less) I can't imagine Webby just letting him do it without having a thousand and one complaints, like I feel like she'll be much more assertive and confrontential than Stick is

thats a great question!!

first of all i think tashis relationship with stick specifically is a bit diffrent - idrk how to phrase it but basically tashi was his role model for a while and he had a lot of respect for him growing up. so theres this weird air of... expectation, almost? the two of them were really close when stick was younger and that coupled with how tashi still percieves him as a helpless confused kid makes their relationship a lot weirder...

with ryou (taka) hes obviously very protective and smothering, bc thats A BABY!!!!! ryou takes it well for the most part i think, at least before becoming a teen - hes the youngest, he likes attention and being papmered (most of the time)<3 also, by the time ryou is around 13-14 tashi is already starting to get a bit better after the whole stick fiasco, so its also that his older siblings sorta made his life easier? bc now tashi knows what he did wrong and is trying to not make the same mistakes again(not to say he doesnt fuck up at all tho!! he does! a lot!!! but at least its not nearly as catastrophic as w stick lol, and hes just one of MANY adults in ryous life, so it evens out more).

also, bc of how young ryou was, he didn't really fully comprehend just how bad tashi was getting at the time, and that helped him a bit? when we're young we dont really see our caretakers as people who are flawed and make mistakes. that comes w age. and i think it was very confusing for ryou to realise that the man who raised him since he was five is NOT some sort of a wise higher being but instead just. a messy guy. who is a bit cringe. so i think ryou lets him pamper him a bit (it helps that he is not that good w people and would rather stick to ppl he already knows), bc he knows neither webby or stickbug will let tashi do that. its annoying sometimes, but ryou is way better at establishing boundaries than stick was, so they get through it somehow.

webby has always been pretty independent (or at least tried very hard to appear as such) and she does NOT handle tashi being overbearing well AT ALL. out of the kids she has always had the least respect for tashi and the other adults in her life, so her relationship w tashi was a bit more levelled? equal? ever since the beginning she was pretty good at being assertive (and was a huge help to stick when he was figuring out the whole 'setting boundaries' thing), and that helped her wriggle out of tashis hold, at least partially. she was also whole-heatedly on sticks side when he was getting sick of tashis shit and she WILL yell at him whenever does or says anything stupid.

she still loves him tho. they all do, in diffrent ways, and they want him to be happy, despite his parenting being less than stellar a lot of the time. i think the thing that allows their relationships w him (and bud and soup too) to heal and strenghten in the end was them just simply GROWING UP. when the power dynamic of tashi as a caretaker was gone, they could finally start seeing each other as people! yay!!

sorry if this answer is more messy than usual lol!!

#ask #my funky guys #thank you for asking<33333 ryou and webbys relationships w tashi are still pretty weird and complicated but def not as much as his w stick #thats like a whole another level......... #also i think webby took stick and eenek moving out pretty hard. suddenly she was the oldest. she didnt like that one bit but she #never held it against them that they left. she just envied them a little. but she had to stay #SOMEONE had to keep this family together (<-she was like. 17-18. girl i dont think thats a healthy mindset when youre barely an adult yours #yourself) #she stayed bc if she didnt then ryou would be alone w the others and she didnt want him to be alone:( i mean he wouldnt be but yknow. hed b #the only kid left there #and he was already pretty lonely. so she stayed #god i hope this relpy makes sense. im a bit tired rn lol

[yurinullification]

.

#i love all of you #so fucking much #but god this blog feels lonely sometimes. and like i know it's my fault but that doesn't exactly make it better #my dilemma is that i need to talk with people #just. be in contact #in order to function #but actually talking with people is extremely stressful no matter what i do #and i just feel bad for all the people that have talked with me #only for me to end up completely ghosting them #but i don't know how to change and it feels like it's slowly corroding me from the inside #i had friends in primary school. kinda #barely #then i entered high school #first year pre pandemic i had a group that for whatever reason latched onto me as one of them? #but then we moved to online classes #and when that stopped and we all came back i was completely alone again #then i moved to a school focusing on autistics in 2nd and it was like 5 people in my class #none of us ever talked to each other #i just wish I'd had literally any real friends over the past 4 years so I'd actually know how to act. and get used to people #maybe i should just accept that I'll never be able to interact normally with people #even other people w autism clearly #and try to live with that? #but I'm gonna be honest i don't know if i can #so what the hell do i even do #i don't want to be coddled #i don't want to be pitied #i don't want to reach out #which leaves rotting as the only option