#we're supposed to be asleep-

[the-jukebox-system]

welcome to being a system trauma-holder!

it's great, we got:

constant triggers from out of nowhere, be it that one random note in a song that you can't figure out the reasoning of, OR a photo you looked at for a split second!

eye contact bad. no

don't touch me, but also the definition of touch-starved

can recall a negative memory from childhood in 0.2 seconds but stares off into the void in confusion when told about literally any other memory

every song now gives you a flashback! yaaaay

don't even get me started on a sudden octave change in someone's voice that somehow also manages to be a trigger

you KNOW that there's a memory somewhere that's being set off by this ONE thing but you can't FIND IT

*weird thing happens, furthering the trigger and therefore uncovering the rest of the memory* o h .

your brain (or alters) randomly decided to mention a very specific event from your childhood as a casual thing 'cause why not, and now you're seemingly stuck in what feels like 2011 and you can't. get back out

"where are we again??? 2004??" when you weren't even BORN in 2004

*looks at a certain photograph for exactly one second* oh no

breaking down over missing your mom when there's likely no reason to even miss her at all, only to realize you actually miss just having a parent figure in general

"hey do you remember playing [blank] as a kid?" proceeds to stare off into the void, confused out of their mind. wh a t are they talking about

"when did that happen?" proceeds to lists off the exact time/date it happened, how old you were, and any general context in seconds

I want to hold this plush but I also don't because the texture of the fur alone will likely set off a memory

certain names = bad

don't look at me

hey could you maybe not raise your voic- okay then

aAAAAAAAAAAA

it's 3 AM and I've been reliving the same memories on loop for the past week thanks to our own playlists on spotify. what am I doing

where are we™

getting very used to always feeling in danger around the people you currently live with, so you're now hesitant to move out since you think it'll always end up the same

endless fight-or-flight. thank you ptsd

constantly comparing things you encounter both irl and online to a certain event in your life and seeming like you just can't let something go

when in reality you just haven't forgotten it

every night is crying hours™

so here are the pros:

you remember everything

and here are some of the cons!:

you remember everything

#holly.txt #did system #osdd system #traumagenic system #actually did #actually osdd #system memes #endos dni #anti endo #tulpas dni #made this as more of a light-hearted post #after getting tossed back into 2011 this was actually very fun to make #so uhh #have this #we're supposed to be asleep-

[sleepvines]

hey I'm back, I was out of front for a hot minute.

#nothing bad happened! Winn just wanted to front for a long bit #he got a fuckton of writing done and stuff. I have a lot to catch up on #sorry for my absence but whatever. if you saw my blog in your notifications that was probably him #also thanks for the boops guys #sleep rambles #I'm supposed to be asleep rn but my roommate is grttimg ready for work earlier than me and I'm unable to nod off rn #also unrelated but winn was up late talking about a damhán-alla mhor agus a lapaí dorcha in the irish server we're learning in and #it was so funny #that bitch is an-marbh anois he is amuigh sa fuar #like. poor spider. but. #'a fuil is ar mo lámha' 💀 #im so tired. zzzzz

[x---1999]

@ MY SOUL BUDDIES STOP COMPARING URSELVES TO OTHERS‼️‼️‼️ ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ EVERYONES DIFFERENT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ and ig any of our followers reading this can take this advice too idc BUT U GUYSSSSS WE GOTTA STOP AND LET OURSELVES ACCEPT THE ISOLATION O KAY

#🩵tiff #we woke up wayyy early and ive been keeping us awake oops😵‍💫 #we also had some weird half asleep end of the day awakening remembering of another member hashtag winnnn #last night i mean lol #they were talking abt how we're only supposed to have a certain amount for like. endgame? like not supposed to get random members or smth #like the strong will survive......idk lol #cuz like. when ur soul is in a state where it can just take in any soul thats attached to it than that means potential for like -> #INFINITE members yknow.....but only some are kinda 'supposed' to be there #again idk they JUST woke up so it might not be an accurate theory yet

[mothram]

#diana's music diary #good evening hii #i feel really good today!!! at least that's mood-wise... #my body hurts a lot from last night... whenever I take that stuff it makes my bones ache a lot after... brain's fuzzy too @@ #it's still really really fun and nice despite that.. felt like I was lucid dreaming and I was so happy and felt so much love for my friends #spent the night just talking to my partner and a friend ive started talking to again recently!! #when I hit the peak I was so entranced by everything and was just watching everything get all bouncy and drifty and colourful and nice :3 #fell asleep so happy while I was listening to music it was soooo comfy.. I remember seeing these fractal shape patterns pulling me to sleep #today I was supposed to play a game with the friend but it ended up being busy so we're going to do that another day instead ^_^ #might play something with my partner instead idk... today I will just be resting I suppose!! kinda need rest anyways #let's make today good and cozy and full of love... love you friends ty for reading 😊

[lilmccoy]

This evening is just a mood in itself. Discovering a really strange and amazing thing about myself. My parents arguing in the background, with the tv blaring some football game. Just sitting in my room zoning out with this new revelation, realizing I have to go to work tomorrow, and soothing myself by eating half a bag of chocolates. Today just seems adjacent to the actual timeline, if that makes sense.

#it's hardly even supper time and i'm about to fall asleep #but when it comes time for bed watch me stay up daydreaming #nothings wrong though #just a bunch of odd things happening all at once #also just deciding to mind my own business #no need to listen in on the argument #no need to listen in on my coworkers gossiping #but also like how is this life real #i have such a groundbreaking self revelation that totally changes things #and i have to just go to work tomorrow #we're also supposed to get some rough weather tomorrow #and i'm just expected to get out and drive in it when i don't even get paid enough to live on #why can't i just have some job i put my hours in and leave at the office #and never have to think about at home #and how i long to live in a walkable community so i have access to all my free time #and just the wonderful feeling of baking something fresh in the morning #and taking it and a cup of locally roasted coffee out on the front porch with a book #no worrying about shitty coworkers or the state of the world or family drama #and being free to love #personal

[lumimis]

eufh

#I'm supposed to be asleep bc we're going to the fair thingy today but #shhhhh shhhhhhhhh

[petrichorvoices]

we’re too hungry to sleep and too tired to eat. this is hell

#we have a sleeve of crackers we're munching on but they aren’t filling and we don’t have anything filling we can eat #that doesn’t require cooking. which is concerning seeing as we should be completely bedridden right now judging by our health. the only #reason we’re out of bed is because the house is empty and we need food Badly. i’m tempted to have us try to fall asleep on this couch so we #don’t have to go back up the stairs and fuck our legs up even more. we’re in no state to cook but we have nothing we can just eat and not #enough money to order food. wtf are we supposed to do #rambling

[saryasy]

go s2 in a few hours I'm hyperventilating

#the way i don't know how im gonna watch this show #like #physically #how am i supposed to sit down long enough to actually see what's going on #without pausing every 5 secs to breathe and take a walk around the room #we're getting new canon #we're getting new SCENES #we're getting MORE #but then there's also the fact that i don't wanna binge it all in one go #id be asleep by the time it comes out so friday morning it is #but i don't wanna just binge #I wanna savor it #but im like the last person to savor something #especially with how utterly excited i am about this #idk idk #i think id manage to avoid spoilers long enough #but yeah. hmmmm #i know I keep thinking about it but im probably not gonna hold back and just. #anyway not rereading these tags they probably make no sense

[charity-angel]

There were special orders included in Order 66 relating to Ahsoka

I know Palpatine was supposed to be gifted with foresight, but that's pretty bloody specific for something programmed before she was born!

#star wars #clone wars #order 66 #ahsoka tano #thanks brain #just what i need at quarter to one in the morning #when I've got work in the morning #and now i can't decide if i want to include that in Buns & Ovens or not #it would be kind of hilarious to see his plans be derailed because of one observant clone #or did he plan for that too? #thanks again brain #we're supposed to be asleep

[that-was-anticlimactic]

mutuals my beloved,,,

#mutuals my beloved tag #'m on the verge of falling asleep i should prolly sleep now actually hmmmmmm #i just saw one mutual call another mutual by their nsme in the tags and it mafe me emotional because. friendship. #i just think. friends. #friendship is magic #and we're friends and some of y'all let me send y'all letters i am. motional. v motional. #dw it is supposed tp be motional instead of emotional my brain was like 'the e at the beginning of emotional does not convey tired #or blorbo pain must drop it' so now it is motional thank you goodnight actually it prolly Should be goodnight eyes drooping bleep bloop #*fond pigeon sounds* #sorry i just had my pigeon tic so i decided that i should think of it fondly rather than in :/// and direct the fondness towards my moots #no literally this post is being made because i saw a mutual refer to another mutual by name and it mace me emotional like no joke #i just sat there and stared at it and was like '... this is the best thing to ever happen to anyone wE ARE FRIENDS' #... i'm tired btw in case you couldn't tell #blahhhhhhhh #okay will just post now droopy eyes bloop #sometimes i like adding my tourettic noises into my dialogue like bloop is for the one - you would get it if you were here irl. maybe. #there is a good chance that i am simply tired and bloop is a very fun word

[reginaofdoctorwho]

i don't even know if i WANT to finish nursing at this point, like i fucking hate college rn and it's only an associates program but like. please i am so tired professors let me fucking sleep

#i have sociology discussion post and quiz to do along w notes to finish #nursing test and i have to set up the new laptop AND figure out the old login for the exam thing to download #spanish is actually my favorite rn and making me wanna go into linguistics but ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ #i know that class'll start being REAL fucking busy later #and clinical starts next week and my sister told me the hospital we're going to normally has bedbugs #and i'd fucking die if i got bedbugs. that is a level of physical and mental torture i couldn't endure #hate bugs hate parasites hate that shit touching me hate the potential of my bed/sheets/weighted blanket being ruined #this isn't me judging anyone w bedbugs btw. just saying because i don't want this taken out of context #the idea of having parasitic bugs crawling on me would set me off so bad it'd be like fucking high school again. i just know my limits #but also back to school lol i was supposed to do my sociology stuff last night and i tried to lay down for 20 minutes #fell asleep for 4 hours and slept through dinner. i am hungry :( #and now i have to stay up to do it instead #PLUS I HAVE A HUGE NURSING PROJECT DUE NEXT WEEK THAT IS EXPECTED TO TAKE 6 H O U R S #and i still have to do journal entries for ballet #at least my contacts fucking keep me from falling asleep on campus because i get so freaked about eye infection potential #BUT i also did pass my injection eval! ya girl can now inject im medication in a clinical setting

[star--anon]

I thought of a clicker game idea and now I really want to learn how to code

#problem is that we're using a website that's not supposed to be used for complicated stuff #so this game idea is going to have to become a side project #I think school would be a lot more successful without grades #because this coding project thing is going to be a major assignment and y'know what now I'm stressing #this is not how you get people interested in computer science #but what do I know #anyway I'm going to go think about the game that I'll probaby never learn how to code #I might meet up with a friend of mine that's really into coding over Thanksgiving break or something #and figure it out together #I really wanna play the game I thought of #oh god this is gonna be like writing isn't it #first I need to write the fics I want to read #now I need to code the games I wanna play #IS THERE NO END TO THIS #anyway it's 9:21PM and all I want to do is to be able to not go to school anymore #it isn't that school is painful as much as it is that school is boring #in fact I think school is incapable of being painful because it's so boring that my pain receptors fell asleep #each class is 1 hour and a half long #90 FUCKING MINUTES #FOR WHAT??? #TO LISTEN TO SOME ADULT STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TALK?? #FOR 90 WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES??? #i think if school focused on HOW to teach rather than WHAT to teach then school would be at least 4% more successful #but once again: what do I know

[nymika-arts]

Definitely! It was most often people having misconceptions and wrong expectations about this storyline that made them annoyed/mad in the first place. Like, a lot of people, myself included sadly , had moments where the thought “well, if they really want us to believe that he likes her/is into her/they are endgame, then why…xyz” when the easy answer to that is: he doesn’t, he isn’t, he never really was and they most definitely aren’t. And the people who genuinely shipped them took it to a whole other level by just taking their expectations as fact and then throwing a tantrum when the outcome doesn’t fit them.

Tl;dr: People couldn’t appreciate the EA storyline bc they wrongfully (begrudgingly) expected it to be a love story and watched it through that lense.

I'm sure a lot of us have felt that way about a storyline at some point tbh, it's hard to know exactly where something is leading when you're still in the middle of it and it can be really frustrating to watch your fave characters make choices that you don't necessarily like or agree with (like personally there were moments in 5a where i wasnt liking how things were being handled, but it was all lead up to 5b, which absolutely delivered), but I think it's really just a testament to how important the show is to people and how protective they are of it. some people obviously take it to far and try to protect it from. the people who write it lmao. but what can ya do

911 is really good at foreshadowing and trusting its viewers to pick up on hints they're laying down without having to spell everything out for us, and it makes for some really amazing storylines and character arcs that we're able to pick through and analyze to the moon and back. so the thing is, if what you're seeing is something that doesn't feel right to you (like bt or eddieana, for example), chances are it's not supposed to feel right. and the writers are trusting us to pick up on that.

#like you said it perfectly that we were never meant to think they were endgame #like the people who were watching it as a love story werent necessarily understanding that it was never meant to be #the whole 'if they really want us to believe etc etc' thing was always meaningless bc they /didnt/ want us to believe that #they were continuously giving us hints that it wasnt going to work #the characters just hadnt caught up with us yet #its kind of why i find it silly when people say similar things about buddie #like 'are we just supposed to ignore x?' or 'if not buddie then why x?' #bc its exactly the same thing #the reason is bc its all done on purpose and more likely than not we're supposed to be reading it the way that we are #i didnt mean to get going in the tags too but here we are lol #sorry i fell asleep and ddint see this last night anon sidnsj #911 fox #nyms asks

[autismcupcake]

I have figured out the issue. I want to play a game or sew or do anything Active other than just lay here which is unfortunate because that's literally how sleeping works

#funny how so many of the medicines we're on are supposed to make us sleepy and yet we still have such a hard time falling asleep

[arsonist-chicken]

I am once again asking for the tiniest bit of self-discipline to finish stuff on time so I don't start it at 2:15am when it's due at 9am and I'll have class the whole day until 7pm afterwards.

#and then i have to go to the library to finish (start writing) the stupid expose that's. three months overdue. and the final final deadline #is this sunday #so... i guess we're going in for another round of 36+h of not sleeping? #thought i'd left at least that behind. i mean my brain is already lagging now #please i want to cry why can i not do stuff on time for once in my goddamn life #or even just early enough to have it done at 2am and not start it at 2am when i have to get up at 8 😭😭😭😭😭 #there's three of us in that class and the other two i don't know and i'm gonna fall asleep in class 😭 #and then at the library probably too #i hate this i hate it here i hate my brain i hate everyone who cheerfully goes 'but there's upsides to adhd :)' #how nice! i didn't get those! i just got the executive dysfunction slowly leading to depression and exhaustion and possibly burnout! #like man i want to be happy for adhd people who get the high creativity or whatever but i didn't get that either #i'm also not good at improvising or reacting fast in emergency situations like man. where's my positive sides of this bs #okay okay okay. now. opening the window and making some black tea and hoping the caffeeine will work for me not against me #and maybe i'll still catch an hour or two of sleep before class #it's even a good one but god i hate presentations in front of people i don't know #especially if it's only two like where am i supposed to look. give me at least a bunch of people so i can disappear in the crowd afterwards #and also not look at a bunch of people instead of doing the awkward trying to make an appropriate amount of eye contact #or whatever. okay okay. off to the presenation. or something #mine #vent post #prioritisation who? it was not more urgent to find train routes back from gdansk that it was to start that presenation #so i wont be dead on my feet trying to present it and also get through the 10h class before going to the library #i hate my brain does anyone wanna switch

[anaalnathrakhs]

...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.

#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame #in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear #because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better? #but also i can't help but think #why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework #and was incredibly inconsistent across topics #like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math. #like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math #like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me #and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution #or like #apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me #either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that #but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk. #they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it. #god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid. #always either with a parent or family or a nanny. #and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked #i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something #and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER #MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR #and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise #of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw) #i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary #and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age. #i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on #because i read until my eyes gave out #and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte #and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep #it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist