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sachikokuroichi · 1 year

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Herz an Herz (<-Link to AO3)

“Your handwriting is awful.”

Naruto had to look twice at the scroll he was holding in hand right now. He’d been looking forward to Gaara’s answer all week and this was everything he had to say?!

The blond was on the verge of crying. And here he thought that they could converse like this, get to know each other and become closer. Because let’s face it. Since the day he’d laid eyes on him, he knew that the red-haired jinjuuriki was going to be someone special in his life. Someone he wanted to call precious to him. The fact that Gaara came to help him with the Sasuke problem more than just once was not helping to keep his crush in check either.

Tossing the scroll into the depth of his chaos that had been his flat once, Naruto stormed outside. He really needed to clear his head and the best way to achieve that was training.

Meanwhile in Suna…

“Temari, have you seen the messenger scroll I had on my desk? I’ve been looking for it for a couple of days now.”

The blond kunoichi looked at her, a little (very) unnerved, brother. It was not like him to lose his things, not even misplace them. Also, it was definitely not in his normal behaviour to freak out like that over a simple messenger scroll. And for Gaara this was a big case of freaking out: He was currently wracking havoc in his office, using his sand to lift papers, tables, plants and every single one of the heavier pieces of furniture, even if there was no way that a messenger scroll could possibly fit underneath or behind it. Gaara was close to losing it. Okay, who was she trying to kid here? He was losing it and never had Temari been gladder that Shukaku wasn’t with Gaara anymore. He would’ve had a field day with the nervous energy her little brother was radiating right now.

She wondered what possibly could be in that messenger scroll that he freaked out like that. There had been no important paperwork of lately, just the one scroll from Konoha that she- oh.

“You mean the one from Konoha? The one ready to send back? I already sent it a few days ago.”

“WHAT?!”

Taken aback by the sudden outburst, Temari took a couple steps back. Gaara had never been the type to raise his voice. Lower it into icy depths that caused you to freeze or made you want to cease existing all together on the spot, yes, but he never got loud.

But there he was: his turquoise eyes, still marred from countless of sleepless nights, wide in surprise and with an unfamiliar look of pure horror within them, the earlier frantic whirling sand was now lying lifeless all around the office.

“I’m sorry, it looked finished, all closed up and sealed, so I thought-“

“He’s gonna hate me… my life is over…”

Temari watched Gaara let himself fall into his seat, burying his face in his hands, letting out a distressed sound.

“Gaara, what is this all about? Who was the scroll addressed to anyway?”

“Naruto… he sent me the scroll, wanted to write more regularly, keep in touch.”

Temari let out a sigh, relief cursing through her veins. Naruto was simple. There was no way that he wouldn’t forgive them for this mistake. He’d probably find it very funny.

“Naruto would never hate you. Maybe you weren’t finished writing it, who cares? It probably shows anyway. What did you write him?”

Gaara broke down there and then, letting everything spill out: How he was so happy to receive the letter, just for it to morph into something unpleasant, overwhelming him, because how could he be that happy over something that simple? Was it okay to feel that way? What did it mean?

After getting through this crisis (meaning he managed to shove the panic into the farthest corner of his mind) he struggled for some time to decipher the written words. Naruto’s writing was like him: lively, happy, easy to read, but wild and untamed and it showed. His penmanship was horrible.

But after some time he got used to it and it got easier to read the message, which left him with the most difficult task: It was now on him to write his response. There the real struggle began. What to write? What was okay? What too much? Was there some etiquette to follow? Would Naruto think of him as weird? He didn’t want to scare him away. He wanted the letters to continue. After even one single letter he could already claim being addicted to the feeling of receiving, opening and reading them.

“Then I remembered that it wasn’t too bad to let the heart do the talking.”

Temari felt a sense of dread rising. Her little, innocent brother knew close to nothing about feelings, especially gentle ones like friendship and love. Even if he worked hard to understand them better, he still lacked… experience.

“Back to my original question: What did you write him?”

“What came to mind first. I wanted to start off with a little tease, then complimenting him on his wonderful idea, how I felt when I got the letter, that I was looking forward to exchanging lots of them in the future.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad…?”

“I didn’t come very far before getting called away to a meeting. Then you sent it.”

“How far did you come?”

“Your handwriting is awful.”

“Kami-sama have mercy… that’s your definition of “starting off with a little tease”?! That was outright mean!”

“It’s not that bad… is it?”

Temari almost wanted to laugh at her clueless brother but seeing him anxious and vulnerable like that was enough to make her feel guilty about sending the scroll without checking with Gaara first. It was her fault they’re in this situation after all. She planned on doing whatever she could to fix her mistake. Maybe she should deliver the next message herself, explain the circumstances of the first to Naruto herself. And apologize to both of them. No matter how she hated to do that and how much it would hurt her pride. This was her little brother and his happiness was the most important thing to her. He deserved all the luck and love in this godforsaken world. And she would make it happen! But first things first:

“It’s gonna be fine. We’ll fix this. But Gaara… I need to know one thing before we do that. And I want you to be completely honest with me here.”

Gaara sent her a confused look, but nodded anyway.

“Is there a certain possibility that your feelings for Naruto maybe go further than friendship?”

The confusion in Gaara’s eyes grew with every second his brain had to compute the meaning behind her question. But there was no verbal answer and Temari was sure that was to the fact that her little brother had no idea himself. She had dumped a completely foreign concept on him there, that she was pretty sure of.

“Look, I don’t want to say that-“

“I’m in love with him, aren’t I?”

The way he muttered those words, completely dumbfounded by the revelation, but also with a certain uncertainty lying underneath, took her by surprise. He was not hesitant to say it out loud, it seemed more that it was almost an epiphany to him. That she’d given him a name for all those weird, foreign sensations within him. Those new feelings. But his past had taught him that love was a dangerous concept and it was just natural to be at least slightly scared of it now.

“Well, I can’t look into your head or your heart… but to me it looks like you’re at least crushing hard on him.”

“What should I do now?”

“Up to you. But I suggest that you write the letter you actually intended to send him so I can deliver it.”

Gaara did exactly that.

~*~

Naruto had been inconsolable for the past few days, training without too many breaks, not even once visiting Ichiraku’s for ramen and it was starting to worry his teammates as well as the Hokage. What possibly could’ve happened? He hadn’t left the village and within it there wasn’t too much that could’ve caused this. Time to bring out the big guns: They decided to consult Iruka.

Said Chuunin found his former student at one of Konoha’s countless training grounds. It really spoke for Naruto’s progress that he was spotted immediately.

“Iruka-sensei! What brings you here?”

“Can I not pay a dear former student of mine a visit from time to time?”

“You’re way too busy for that and we both know that.”

Ouch. Iruka never thought that Naruto could be that brutally honest. Seems like his little troublemaker had indeed grown up. And his teammates had been right: He was in a very bad mood.

“But I’m here, aren’t I? So let’s get some ramen and catch up.”

Naruto’s face immediately lit up, causing Iruka to almost sigh in relief. If Ichiraku’s ramen would also have failed here, then he would’ve been in serious trouble. If they couldn’t console him, then almost nothing else could.

With two big bowls of their favourite type of ramen in front of them, Iruka decided to tackle the issue upfront.

“Okay, spill. What’s wrong?”

Naruto’s good mood was gone immediately. Iruka felt a chill going down his spine. He dreaded the words he was going to hear next. What horrible things could’ve happened to this sunshine? A lot of things, that Iruka knew. But whoever it was, there would be hell to pay. Iruka would make sure of it.

“I think I’m in love and I’m pretty sure he hates me. Or thinks that I’m stupid. Same thing. It’s pointless.”

Iruka had expected to hear a wide variety of things… but this? This he hadn’t seen coming.

“What makes you think that?”

“I wrote him, wanted to build a deeper connection, get to know him, become friends…”

“Sounds like a solid plan, what happened?”

“His only response was “Your handwriting is awful.”, that’s what happened.”

Iruka didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t deny that Naruto’s handwriting was awful, he had the “pleasure” of correcting various tests and homework sheets of him before but to get that told by your crush was just cruel. That guy was the worst.

“Forget about him. You deserve better than that.”

“Iruka-sensei… if it would be just as simple to forget someone you love as you make it sound… why are you still in love with Kakashi-sensei?”

This time Iruka had been eating his ramen and promptly started to choke on them. He really hated that observant and blunt version of Naruto. Before he could think of an answer, another blond entered the restaurant, drawing all attention onto them and successfully redirecting it from Iruka.

“There you are! Seriously, was it always that hard to find you in this stupidly huge village?!”

Iruka and Naruto exchanged confused looks before looking at Temari again.

“Why’re you looking for me, Temari-nee-san? I didn’t know a visit was scheduled anytime soon.”

“Yeah, well… it’s a long story… actually no - it’s not. Here.”

She pulled a scroll out of her bag and shoved it into Naruto’s hands.

“I accidentally sent Gaara’s response before he even really started to write it. He was really upset because of it, so I came to deliver the actual response personally. To minimise the risk of further mishaps. I sincerely apologize and hope you can forgive me.”

Temari finished her little speech with a deep bow which caused Naruto to look quickly assure her that it wasn’t necessary.

“Yes, it is. And you better tell Gaara that I did it too. He bullied me into doing it, quote “You better bow to him and apologize properly! No half-assing like you did with me.”, just so you know!”

Naruto was stunned. Gaara had gone through all this trouble? Just for him? But the sentence…

“You’re not gonna read what the Kazekage wrote you?”

Iruka’s gentle voice was cutting through the already downspiralling thoughts. He hastily ripped the seal and opened the scroll, almost damaging the thing in the process. He’d never been a fast reader, but right now he wished he could absorb the whole message at once. He was just too anxious to find out the truth to be patient.

[~Your handwriting is awful.

It took me quite some time to get fluent enough in your way of encrypting your letters so they can stay just between you and me and I apologize in advance that I can’t offer you the same in return.

Joke aside, I really loved to receive your letter and have to compliment you on this brilliant idea. The thought of getting letters from you on a regular basis, getting to know you and get insight into your daily life is filling me with profound joy to the intensity I cannot begin to describe. While my days are filled with almost the same tasks every day, I’m looking forward to hear about your missions and daily adventures.

I actually planned to just send you the letter I originally had intended to write (if it hadn’t been for Temari sending it way too early), but I can’t end it without apologizing. I’m sorry that you had to get such an unpleasant first response from me. I really hope you can forgive me and will send me lots of letters in the future. Otherwise I have to think of ways of making it up to you, because I can’t imagine not hearing from you ever again. You’re way too important to me already. You reaching out to me got my hopes up that the feeling’s mutual.

If you have some freetime in the future, we also can write about scheduling a meet up. You could come visit me in Suna. If you would want that, that is.

Please send your response with Temari, she will stay a few days in Konoha (probably with Shikamaru Nara, but don’t tell her I wrote that).

I’m looking forward to reading from you soon,

Gaara~]

~*~

This was the start of a wonderful friendship even if they just managed to converse via pretty frequent letters. Finding a way to meet up was pretty much impossible, with the world going to shit and all. Gaara was busier than ever and Naruto wasn’t fairing any better. Missions here, training there. New leads on Sasuke, leading to nowhere.

~*~

The 5-Kage-Summit was disheartening, but at least he managed to get a glimpse of his crush friend there. There wasn’t time to talk in private, exchange words that both felt deep in their hearts, but a shared look was enough to know that it could wait. The next letter would come. After everything was said and done there would be a time and place for them.

~*~

To say the war had been the most terrifying thing he’d seen in his life would be the understatement since the founding of the Hidden Villages. Maybe even longer than that. To fight with Naruto side by side was empowering, thrilling, made him want to rip every force that could hurt his beloved one to shreds, with the impression that he could do just that, but at the same time it was the worst. It made his stomach to funny flips, an anxious feeling spreading through his whole existence, to the very point he had to actively not let his sand show how he felt. It was scary. To see Naruto fight, run headfirst into enemies, hordes of them, without the slightest strategy or even the slightest hint of a plan. But so far it always had been enough.

Until it wasn’t.

~*~

Sleep was evading him as usual, but now they few hours he got were full of nightmares. The vision of Sakura, with her hand deeply buried in Naruto’s ribcage, trying to keep him alive, was one that had scarred him for life.

Currently Naruto was in Konoha Hospital, trying to recover from his injuries, from losing his arm. It took everything from Gaara to not immediately run there and be with him. He sighed. There was too much work. And now with Naruto unable to write even the letters came to a halt. It was like he’d vanished completely from his life, and it was the most terrifying feeling he’d ever encountered. Now, that they had grown that close, the thought of losing him was unbearable. It caused his blood to freeze inside his veins, his sand to slash around anxiously, resembling an angered cat’s tail. Apparently, his sand’s protection also applied to Naruto nowadays.

Gaara sighed. Being in love was complicated.

“What’s with that sigh, hm? Not like you to be glum like that.”

His sand reacted before his brain was capable of even trying to understand. It shot out and grabbed the intruder, but instead of hurting him, it brought him closer, right into Gaara’s embrace. His body had moved on its own, lifting his arms, catching and pressing him against his torso, never intending of letting him go.

Naruto let out his signature laugh, and it was the sweetest thing in Gaara’s opinion.

“Missed me, huh?”

“What- you… your arm… how?!”

Naruto firstly returned the hug, burying his head into the Kazekage’s neck, before explaining:

“Sakura did a wonderful job at healing all my wounds. They even managed to grow me a prosthetic arm. I can even do signs and cast jutsus with it!”

“How…?”

“I dunno… Sakura tried to explain, but-“

“No! I mean - how are you here? I’m sure you should rest! Not run 3 or more days all the way here! Did you even get permission to come here? I didn’t get any papers! Naruto, you cannot just-“

“Gaara, stop!”

Naruto’s laugh echoed through his office again, causing his heart to flutter happily. He liked hearing it. Never before had his office felt more like he belonged here than now. With Naruto in it. Right here, in his arms, by his side, in his life.

“I’m fine! I got permission. Temari-nee-san helped with surprising you. I also didn’t run all the way here.”

“But how…?”

“You remember the Yondaime being my father?”

Gaara nodded, dumbfounded. What had the Fourth Hokage to do with the fact that Naruto was here?

“You also may or may not know that he was known as the “Yellow Flash”. He was able to just appear out of nowhere. Because he was using a teleportation jutsu. And with me being his son… well…”

“You mastered the jutsu… to be able to visit me?”

“Of course! I mean… it probably has other uses, in battle or so… but it makes seeing you way eas-hmmh!”

His explanation got interrupted by a wonderful soft pair of lips that gently pressed themselves against his own. Too stunned to react, Naruto felt Gaara pull away before he could reciprocate the kiss. A horrified look was showing on the Kazekage’s face, fear visible within his turquoise eyes, mixed with regret and sadness. The sand immediately let go of him, as well as did Gaara, taking a step back too.

“I’m sorry, I misinterpreted, I-“

This time it was on Naruto to interrupt Gaara with a kiss.

“You didn’t misinterpret a single thing. I’m in love with you and learned a whole damn jutsu just to be able to see you.”

“That’s the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me.”

“I aim to please.”

“That you really do. I do too by the way. Love you, I mean.”

A huge, way too bright smile erupted on Naruto’s face, but Gaara couldn’t care less. That was his boyfriend’s (?) face that tried to burn his retinas away after all.

“You wanna try to be in a relationship with me?”

“Whatever my beloved Kazekage wishes.”

“Let’s get married then.”

“Gaara!”

His favourite sound echoed through his office again. He needed to write the Hokage. He couldn’t go for too long without it after he got a taste.

Talking of taste…

Naruto’s laugh got swallowed by their kiss, which caused Gaara to smile into it as well. They held each other close and tried to melt into each other. To never get separated again.

“Expect my handwriting to be even worse now, with my new arm and everything.”

“Oh, shut up and kiss me again.”

#naruto #gaara #narugaa #gaanaru #ff #ao3 fanfic #two idiots being in love #but cute #also rip iruka #xD

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comradekatara · 28 days

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sokka, katara, and the paradox of “the gifted child”

something i’ve noticed is a tendency to (mis)characterize sokka as someone who is dismissed due to being a nonbender, when that’s only partially true. sokka is certainly dismissed by some for not being a bender (namely, by benders), but i think there’s a key difference between being dismissed and not being valued in one specific way. katara was valued by her tribe for being a waterbender for the very crucial reason that she was the last one left. had she been a dime a dozen in her tribe, which would have been the case were it not for the systemic extermination of her people, she would not be valued as highly for possessing this skill. that said, while sokka clearly does hold some resentment over his lack of bending ability, calling himself “the guy in the group who’s regular,” i think it’s folly to assume that this means that sokka was dismissed and discarded as “average” while katara was put on a pedestal for being special. because while katara obviously was considered special, sokka is also clearly considered special by his family, merely in different ways. and if anything, sokka embodies the archetypal struggle of the so-called "gifted child” far more than katara does.

while sokka clearly believes himself to be disposable and intrinsically worthless, i don’t think that he was actively neglected by his family. even if katara was clearly marked by her bending as embodying the last hope of their tribe, that doesn’t mean that she was seen as more gifted than he was or was designated as her family’s obvious favorite. for example, the way hakoda talks about sokka (saying he trusted him with leading and protecting the tribe when he was thirteen, calling him a genius, and other such insanely high praises to heap on a child) shows that he clearly views his son as particularly exceptional and has never been shy about showing that. sokka is distinctly insecure around his father for assumptions he makes regarding hakoda's faith in his abilities and his insecurities when it comes to his perceived failure in not measuring up as a man, but from the second we meet hakoda, it's evident that these insecurities are entirely internal and completely unfounded, at least in terms of his father's perception of him. hakoda is nothing but incredibly proud of sokka, constantly emphasizing just how capable and brilliant he believes him to be. whether or not sokka is capable of internalizing it is another story, but it's clear that hakoda is not stingy in his praise and affection, not even a little bit.

moreover, while katara is clearly kanna’s favorite on an emotional level, she nonetheless affords sokka far more respect. she admonishes katara and tells her to do her chores, and notably, she also impresses the importance of “listening to her brother,” and backs up sokka’s decision to banish aang from the village. you can claim that sexism plays a factor in how sokka views his own supposed position of authority, but kanna is a woman who traveled the entire globe as a teenager because she wanted to escape patriarchal impositions dictating her life. she’s simply far too smart to treat sokka as any sort of authority within their village if she did not fully entrust him with that responsibility. she treats sokka almost like a peer, as if she is legitimately co-running the village with a fifteen year old boy.

katara is only a couple years younger than sokka at most, but her dynamic with kanna is very different. on one hand, kanna clearly sees more of herself in katara, can identify with her sense of adventure and rebellious spirit, but on the other hand, it means that she views katara as a child to be taken care of, who needs to be reminded to do her chores and bailed out when she gets herself into trouble. sokka doesn't want to be viewed as a child, and so he does everything in his power to position himself as kanna's equal rather than her grandson. he takes his duties and responsibilities very seriously, and is obedient to a fault whenever he is submitting to any authority he actually respects, especially his father and grandmother. to be honest, a lot of what katara considers coddling is probably just sokka never being bossed around by their grandmother because she never actually has to tell him to do his chores. because despite katara's claim that he simply faffs about "playing soldier," sokka's problem is actually that he takes himself too seriously for her liking. and with the exception of kanna saying "be nice to your sister," which is the kind of teasing a parent says to their child, she clearly respects sokka's position in the village. when katara tries to run away with aang, kanna takes sokka's side and forbids her from acting impulsively, but when sokka is the one who packs supplies and plans to save aang, kanna gives them both her blessing.

katara is the only person who takes umbrage with the notion of sokka running the village and telling her what to do all day. and those frustrations have likely accumulated up from a lifetime of being told to “do as her brother says” and “why can’t she be smarter and more responsible and levelheaded blah blah blah.” she clearly thinks that she’s punching up when she yells at or mocks him, which may seem crazy to anyone who understands that sokka’s entire identity and existence revolves around being katara’s protector, but katara doesn’t actually know this. in her mind sokka is merely the perfect child who has always represented this impossible standard of “genius.” and what's more, he's absolutely insufferable about it.

and to be clear, this isn’t to say that katara herself isn’t highly intelligent, capable, competent, and skilled. she’s not only an incredibly talented waterbender, but also clever, quick, witty, creative, resourceful, practical, mature, and thoughtful in other ways. at one point, toph calls her a genius (“a stinky, sweaty genius”). and she is, indeed, an extremely powerful and innovative waterbender, both due to her hard work, but also because she is genuinely brilliant. that said, she’s smart in the realistic way that a kid is smart; she works hard to be good at what she cares about (and she has an existentially devastating reason to care about being a good waterbender, mind you), and she’s also good at thinking on the fly when she needs to. however, unlike sokka, or even toph, her intellect may be impressive, but it isn’t astonishing. sokka’s mind functions completely anomalously. i wouldn't say he's unrealistically intelligent, because i do know some people in real life who are similarly adept at processing all kinds of different information with the ability to deftly apply it near-immediately, but it is certainly abnormal, both for real world standards and within his universe.

i normally bristle at this term and its applications (for multiple reasons), but since it is explicitly stated multiple times across the show, it is important to acknowledge that sokka is referred to as a genius multiple times, including by his father. katara is referred to as being a genius by toph for using her own sweat to waterbend (which, as hama points out an episode later, isn't even that clever because you can literally bend water from the air around you); conversely, sokka is referred to as a genius for helping to invent hot air balloons and for figuring out multiple escape routes from the world's most secure prison in less than a day. we don't know the exact timeframe under which katara trained with pakku and earned the title of master, but she clearly worked incredibly hard to earn that title, not only as a master, but as the greatest waterbender in the entire world. i assume it was any time between a few weeks and a little over a month in which zhao would organize a fleet to arrive at the north pole, which is, of course, extremely impressive in itself and a testament to her passion and determination. however, on the other hand, piandao claims that sokka has basically mastered the sword and is ready to make his own within less than a day. it's important to remember that katara is also brilliant in her own way, and possesses great skills that sokka lacks: not only bending, but also midwifery, and an ability to locate her own emotions and allow herself to be vulnerable with others, two skills which should never be looked down upon for their association with womanhood and femininity, and are also particularly impressive considering just how young katara is. she is brilliant in her own right, and in any other family, katara would easily have been "the smart one." and yet, sokka is simply in a league of his own.

so, yeah, he can stand to get thrown around and yelled at; everyone her entire childhood just kept on impressing how special and perfect and brilliant he is, he can handle it. she has no idea that he is depressed, depersonalizes, loathes himself, and thinks he’ll never be good enough, because he never actually communicates any of that to her. the closest he ever comes is admitting that he’s jealous due to not having bending abilities, and even that shocks katara, even though it’s such a small and obvious admission in the scheme of things. she has no idea what’s going on with him psychologically, how he views himself in relation to others, and specifically in relation to her, so she kind of just assumes he’s entitled because surely he must know how special he is and thus feels owed accolades by the world at every turn. he deserves to be humbled, and she is in fact righteous for humbling him.

when she makes fun of him for being stupid or miserable or paranoid or cynical, she thinks she’s owning him the way a righteous underdog fights against an oppressor. it's similar to how zuko wants to "put azula in her place." in katara and zuko's minds, they are both the valiant underdog siblings who had to fight and struggle against the siblings for whom everything came so easily. and in katara’s mind especially, she is always punching up, and she always has a moral justification in lashing out at anyone she pleases. so she couldn’t fathom that the reason sokka puts up with her antagonism without complaint isn’t because he’s so above her that he can simply ignore her taunts and gibes without a care (if that were the case, he wouldn't bother to taunt and gibe in return), but rather that he feels so detached from his own personhood that he would never think to actually explain his feelings to the person whom he has defined himself through since childhood. and if he did ever, somehow, communicate that to her, she’d have to reevaluate their whole entire lives and dynamic. but he never will communicate that to her, so she’ll never actually have to do that.

moreover, even though katara often does tease sokka and cast doubt upon his competence and abilities in low-stakes situations constantly, whenever they are actually facing a real problem that requires an immediate solution, katara seems to forget that sokka is supposedly an unhelpful, lazy, immature idiot because she immediately turns to him to fix all their issues. and then once that issue is resolved, katara goes back to finding his existence bothersome. sokka, on the other hand, falls into this role of problem solver instinctually, with the one exception that when they actually name him as the idea guy, he jokingly complains that it’s a lot of pressure to be one who is always expected to come up with solutions. and while he is joking during that conversation in “the drill,” he’s being honest to an extent, because his perfectionism and fear of failure is truly dire.

when katara is faced with failure, whether as the consequences for her own actions or otherwise, she simply gets back up and tries again. she can’t be knocked down, she can’t be deterred from achieving her goals. she has a very healthy approach to making mistakes, and while she doesn’t always learn from them in the longterm, she does always try her best to fix them and amend the situation as immediately as possible. katara is someone who is incredibly resilient and is constantly demonstrating the sheer magnitude of her inner strength, especially in particularly difficult moments. she has the ability to fail as many times as it takes without letting that failure affect her own self-esteem or desire to keep striving for what she believes in.

sokka, on the other hand, is very physically resilient (he gets beat up a lot), but his emotional resilience is actually quite pathetic. he has no tools for coping with failure. from even the slightest mistake, like not actually being able to open the doors at the fire temple with his makeshift explosives, to a catastrophic one, like his failed invasion, sokka immediately retreats inward. in “the boiling rock,” sokka demonstrates how his first ever real failure that rests squarely on his own shoulders is so devastating to him that he becomes totally irrational and suicidal in an attempt to “rectify” the situation. he does not know how to cope with failure, because he expects himself to be perfect at all times. and it’s not because sokka is overly proud, but rather that his guilt complex is so profound that he blames himself for every single thing that goes awry at all times, even when it isn’t actually his fault whatsoever. so that guilt and shame is magnified a thousand fold when sokka is actually culpable for those losses.

one of many ways in which it is evident that sokka is the older sibling is that he clearly lives with the mentality that if katara messes up or gets herself in danger due to her own impulsive inclinations, it’s always actually sokka’s fault for not being a better, more attentive brother. when she sets off the booby trap in the banned ship, sokka banishes aang from the village so as to protect katara from herself. when katara experiences the consequences of heedlessly blowing up a factory, sokka gets mad at her for her recklessness, but also immediately finds a way to help her fix this situation, because that’s his job, and in fact, his primary purpose on this earth. this is a dynamic sokka has probably internalized even before he was assigned the role of her sworn protector, because that’s just how being the eldest is.

sokka’s tendency to take responsibility for everyone else’s mistakes and his desire to shoulder everyone else’s pain at all times, coupled with his implicit belief that he, uniquely, cannot afford to mess up ever (if other people make mistakes it’s fine and he can help them fix it, but if he makes mistakes he no longer has a purpose on this planet, goodbye cruel world), definitely indicates that he was held to an incredibly high standard all his life. he expects himself to be able to handle a lot of responsibility with perfect ease because he always has. he isn’t used to making mistakes of any kind. if he puts his mind into learning a new skill, he always masters it within a couple of days, whatever that skill happens to be. unlike katara, sokka is used to things coming easily to him, and what he isn’t used to is failure.

katara and sokka are both exceptional, of course, but in very different ways, and for very different reasons. katara grew up with a lot of external pressure to excel as a waterbender, because she needs to embody her cultural legacy and prove that her mother’s sacrifice was not in vain. it’s an unfathomable burden to place on a child, and the rate at which she improves her waterbending once she is actually given the resources to hone her skills is a testament to her perseverance and untiring dedication. katara becomes the greatest waterbender in the world not because she is a natural prodigy (which is something she bristles at when aang does display prodigious skill), but because she is incredibly determined and no one can outmatch the strength of her heart and unshakable commitment when she is pursuing a goal. as pakku even says, raw talent isn’t everything, and katara’s abilities prove that despite not being “naturally gifted,” hard work and determination is far more important when it comes to excelling in any given domain.

however, if katara’s motivation to be excellent is externally imposed by the tragic circumstances of her life, sokka’s motivations are, at the very least, internally maintained. as aforementioned, i have no doubt that he received a lot of external validation and praise from the adults in his life as a child with a dazzling, brilliant mind. as has been established, sokka is constantly displaying an ability to synthesize new information at a staggering rate, which likely means that before katara had even discovered her ability to waterbend, sokka was probably being fawned over for the impressive rate at which he was picking up new skills as a baby. since pretty much everything (cerebral, at least) comes easily to sokka, i can only imagine that hakoda, who never hesitates to express to his children how proud he is of them, would constantly affirm sokka’s intellect. and by boasting that sokka takes after himself (hakoda also refers to himself as a genius, completely sincerely), he unwittingly plants the first seeds in fostering sokka’s belief that he must be exactly like his father in every way, and that any deviation from hakoda’s image would prove him unworthy. but he will never be the spitting image of hakoda the way that katara is "the spitting image of kanna" because sokka is already the spitting image of kya, if not – perish the thought – his own person entirely.

unlike katara, who spent her whole childhood trying to waterbend by herself with little success (beyond, of course, isolated instances demonstrating her sheer raw power when her bending was being influenced by her incredibly strong and passionate emotions), sokka always felt like he could handle the amount of responsibility he was given, because everything came easily to him. until the day that his life changed forever, and suddenly the stakes were no longer abstract, but tangible and personally devastating. sokka had never learned that it was okay to fail as a child because he never had a reason to, and then suddenly, he could not afford to fail under any circumstances. failure of any kind went from being a (purely hypothetical) blow to the ego, to being something that could directly endanger the lives of his loved ones. and so sokka decides that the only way to not be culpable for his potential failures is to be a martyr.

of course, there are instances in which sokka is proven to be inept, such as on kyoshi island or with piandao, wherein his humility and open-mindedness are put on display and sokka puts aside his own standards of perfection to learn from a master, but i don't think these instances qualify as failures. for one thing, sokka happens to master the forms he is being taught in less than a day, at an unprecedented rate, and thus these initially humiliating blindspots in his knowledge become victories as sokka absorbs new knowledge. sokka is always eager to learn, and willing to acknowledge his lack of expertise in area, humbling himself to learn from others any chance he gets. no, what i mean by "failure" as it relates to sokka's self-perception and ego is not a lack of knowledge, but an inability to protect another. to sokka, his existence is defined by his ability to provide and protect, and thus, a failure is, specifically, when someone gets hurt under his watch. that is what it means to not be able to afford to fail. he is not overly proud (if anything he is overly insecure), but he also understands that the stakes of failure – real failure – are tangible.

so when it comes to failure that carries grave consequences, he would rather be dead than fallible (or, responsible for not adequately protecting his loved ones), one million times over. and so every time someone makes a sacrifice for him, he feels as if he has failed on a fundamental level, because simply being exceptional is not enough, he must also bear the entire world’s suffering alone – as (in his mind) hakoda instructed him to when he left him behind to protect and provide for the village. otherwise he has failed in his promise to be needed, which is his raison d’être. sokka’s complex is very obviously not informed solely by his upbringing as a “gifted kid,” and in fact largely informed by the dehumanizing logic of war as it necessitates sacrifice, but his inability to accept his own fallibility as a product of his self-dehumanization is, at the very least, compounded by his debilitating perfectionism.

thus, katara and sokka's dynamic within their family isn’t “gifted kid and neglected kid,” but rather “two gifted kids who are gifted in different ways, one of those ways being valued more on a cultural level due to its scarcity as a byproduct of genocide.” while katara was put on a pedestal her entire life due to her ability to waterbend, it doesn’t mean that sokka wasn’t put on a pedestal in other ways. if anything, the reason hakoda entrusted a child with the burdens he did was specifically because he put his son on a pedestal. sokka assumes that hakoda didn't think he was capable enough to join his army, but that couldn't be further from the truth. hakoda trusted his thirteen year old son so much that he genuinely thought it best to leave him alone with this duty to defend his village and protect katara at all costs. he didn't leave a single man behind, not even the other teenage boys, because that's how much faith he had in a child to take his responsibilities seriously and perform them competently. and if that decision gave sokka one million different complexes and fucked him up for life, it wasn’t because he wasn’t valued for his abilities, it’s because he was overvalued and given too much responsibility at too young an age.

both he and katara struggled to live up to the expectations placed on them, forced to fulfill the roles of their parents instead of being allowed to exist as children. but crucially, katara sees the injustice in that, and clings to her childhood even as she strives for greatness, and sokka simply doesn't. he's long accepted that injustice, and in fact feels guilty that he cannot better live up to the impossible portrait of an idolized father, an idealized masculinity, an illusory model of the infallible, unshakeable warrior. despite all his achievements and natural giftedness, he nonetheless feels totally inadequate, deeply flawed, and ontologically worthless. perhaps, in a world beyond the pressures of war and its dehumanizing logic, sokka would have internalized the praise he was constantly receiving his whole life for his gifts. but since he was only ever a prodigy in ways that didn’t matter (within that colonized paradigm), he doesn’t actually care about how clever and brilliant and creative and talented and unique and special he is, because that would first require him to see himself as fully human, and he can’t even do that.

#analysis #sokka #katara #katara&sokka #hakoda #kanna #kya #hakoda&sokka #kanna&sokka #kya&sokka #kanna&katara #whew...! 20+ paragraphs about sokka and katara’s childhood. it’s more likely than u think (highly likely at all times)#see but this is why sokka is so clearly a mirror to azula to me #like not just in terms of crippling perfectionism and devastating fear of failure and being a child prodigy who is put on a pedestal #but simultaneously dehumanized etc etc #but also the fact that like. zuko treats her the same way katara treats sokka #he clearly thinks his immediate hostility and aggression towards her is like. him nobly fighting the battle against his tormentor #when that is literally his little sister and she is struggling so much and desperate for support from LITERALLY ANYONE #katara and zuko are like ‘let’s put azula in her place’ and high five #and that’s just so fucking apt because they truly do believe that it’s their duty to put their perfect prodigy siblings ‘in their place’#but those are truly two of the most miserable people on the planet #so to any outside observers it’s just like………. why are you being mean to them they’re literally suicidal and shaking like a leaf #but also everyone already knows that azula is the prodigious gifted sibling bc zuko says it like one million times #so there’s rly no need to argue that #whereas katara loves calling sokka an idiot so i do believe that some clarification is in order #but like. yeah there’s no way sokka was dismissed or neglected as a child #he’s dismissed and neglected by the world at large #but within his tribe he’s like a mini celebrity . he’s their young sheldon (sorry)#anyway im running out of room to write tags but um. perfectionism is a disease get well soon xoxo bye

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