#tw: personal

[bpdcodone]

A life without love for a BPD mfer is not a life worth living

#cluster b #bpd life #did system #borderline things #bpd tag #cluster a #system #schizotypal #bpd mood #bpd rage #bpd emotions #splitting bpd #bpd stuff #i hate bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #bpd splitting #bpd #actually bpd #bpd vent #bpd safe #bpd fp #bpd feels #bpd info #never be vulnerable if your bpdcodone #drunk breakdown #i am drunk #alcoholic #tw sui vent #tw: personal

[wowpindrop]

I'm sorry but that dr who episode made me realise how utterly shit the writing for Jodies eps were.

No hate to Jodie, I loved her doctor but it honestly just didn't hit the same compared to what I just felt.

Not to mention the entire Timeless Child shit. I cannot stand what they did there imo.

It stripped away what made dr who, well, dr who. All the lines just felt so forced, and the storylines felt kinda jittery.

That whimsical, amazing feeling whilst watching that episode, was something I so dearly wanted whilst watching the 13th doctor eps.

RTD I fucking missed your writing.

#dr who #dr who fandom #david tennant #catherine tate #dr who 60th anniversary #star beast #rtd #russell t davies #10th doctor #14th doctor #donna noble #13th doctor #chris chibnall #tw: personal #60th anniversary

[rhoorl]

Just a sappy year-end post you can continue scrolling lol…

I’ve written and rewritten this so many times over the past week. The words were failing me on how to sum up this year, so instead here’s a long-winded stream of consciousness:

There are so many things that now have a new meaning for me thanks to the last nine months.

Sequins. Donuts. Ties. Mirrors. Belt buckles. Snakes. Holsters. Back Alleys. Bakeries. Pickles. Landscaping. Gray sweatpants. Honestly, the list goes on.

At the start of 2023, I was soooo excited to watch The Last of Us. I was a fan of Pedro and Mr. Rhoorl was a huge fan of the game so it was like a win-win and something for us to watch together. Little did I know how much that show and Pedro’s subsequent SNL appearance would change the rest of my year.

I still laugh when I think about how long I spent lurking on the Pedro subreddit before I said anything. But little by little, my upvotes turned into me leaving comments and those comments led to me finding some pretty awesome people. Especially those who encouraged me when I threw out a random comment about how I was thinking of writing a fic of my own after consuming so many stories and feeling inspired (I read my first fanfic in March of this year!). 

I remember going to the movies one day in the summer. I arrived early (taking solace in having some peace and quiet) and as I sat waiting for the trailers to start, I typed up the skeleton of the Working Title plot on my phone. Fast forward to impulsively creating a Tumblr account and feeling like the eldest millennial ever hoping I wouldn’t get laughed out of the room as I tried navigating this site and interacting with people and their posts.

Then a few weeks later, I was reading one of my favorite series (The Layover) and got this idea about an AU where the Triple Frontier boys start a landscaping business. I was so scared to message Megan about it, hoping she wouldn’t think I was completely nuts (well, maybe she does). I’m so happy I took that deep breath and hit send on that message. It was an uncharacteristic move for me, normally I’d just think ha that’s a funny idea and keep it to myself. But so much of the summer was pushing myself out of my comfort zone so I thought, why not?

Speaking of taking a deep breath and hitting send…who knew that the idea of hosting an online watch party would bring so many amazing people into my life? It all feels like a fever dream sometimes with how it all came together and I’m not sure how everything fell into place but grateful doesn’t even begin to express how it makes me feel. 

I’ll spare you the story since this is getting long, but this year had many highs and many lows. And what really helped me a lot during these lows was a lot of you reading this. Thank you for the encouragement, the laughs, and the shoulders to cry on during those low days, along with the silly graphics and gifs that made me smile (or gave me thots). I’m a pretty reserved and closed-off person away from here, but this year I decided to get out of my comfort zone a bit and just … try.

I know I'll probably never meet Pedro (except in my dreams), but damn if I did ever meet him I would love to say thank you. Thank you for putting so much heart and soul into your performances. Thank you for inspiring creativity in me that I didn't think was there anymore and for inspiring others to bear their souls out onto the internet by way of amazing, heartfelt, and thot-tastic stories. Thank you for giving me a reason to meet people from literally all over the world. This place feels like a playground sometimes with friendships striking up in the simplest ways, like “Hey you like Pedro/this character/this very specific photoshoot/this gif? Cool, me too let’s be friends.” I am so thankful to have made some true connections and friends here that I otherwise would not have met. 

(And finally, because I'm me, I’d thank Pedro for being so broad and having amazing hair…ok I wouldn’t actually say that because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to form a sentence but dammit I would be thinking it that’s for sure!)

So to sum up, this year has been one of growth, of taking deep breaths, of silencing the little voice in my head, and hitting send, or post, or reblog. It doesn’t always work, but when it does, it’s magic. 

If you made it this far, thank you. I’ve gone through a few tissues writing this so I’m going to wrap things up. I don’t really have a profound way to end this rambling other than to say I’m here if you ever want to pop by and say hello or yell about the latest Pedro photo. I know there’s a lot of discourse on here from time to time about various pockets/groups but I feel pretty lucky to have landed in a corner of this site that is supportive and full of love. There’s plenty of room around the table for us all and I wholeheartedly believe in community over competition. I can’t wait to see what 2024 brings.

xoxo  Jess

P.S. At what point do we test the Emergency Alert System ahead of Gladiator 2? I’m going to need a wellness check.

Pedro tax for your troubles:

#tw: long post #tw: personal #year in review

[crybaby-bkg]

I’ve been mentally struggling really bad these past few weeks and my therapist recommended I get medicated so I called someone and they didn’t answer and haven’t called me back yet. so when I told my therapist about it this morning (mid another breakdown) she was like “well if they don’t call back by x date then call back again and again until they answer so you can be treated” like damn am I tripping that bad 🧍🏽‍♀️

#like my bad AKSJDKDJD #I have been tripping lately tho ngl I can’t even be mad at her #I hope if they do give me something that it’ll help me be able to get waxes again LOL #I miss it but the anxiety was so shit #anyway I have a headache from having like nine panic attacks today #and I’m about to knock out hopefully 👍🏽 #tw: vent #tw: personal #tw: panic attack #—in store chit chat! 🍫

[smitherscreens]

trying so hard to remember that the world can be beautiful and i just need to stick it out through all the very not beautiful thoughts and feelings i am experiencing right now

#s talks #vent #all my problems r such stupid non-problems too like aww are you struggling in your math class :((( are people mean to you at work :(( #college hard im sad etc. #tw: personal

[queen-of-obsessing]

i'm extremely uncomfortable with the way judas is being portrayed this season. (lil vent post)

obviously spoilers for all of season 4. and also i haven't seen the season in its entirety yet, this is just based on what my friend has told me and the leaked scenes i've seen. also also this is only talking about show!Judas, as he's being portrayed by the writers, not the bible version, becauseee we know nothing about that one.

i just watched one of the leaked clips from season 4 (because the stupid chosen team hasn't put it on streaming yet), and i'm acc crying rn. like irl. real tears. i'm so choked up, i feel physically ill, and not for any good reasons. this isn't gonna be one of those "oh wow i'm literally sobbing this show is so good 😍" type posts.

i feel sick.

seeing judas just claw and scramble for any sort of positive attention from the disciples around him is sickening. every single time he brings up an idea for how he can positively help the ministry and use his skills (the only way he knows how to coming from a business background), the others just shoot him down. you can see how hard he's trying to win their validation and find some sort of footing within the group and nothing is working.

and zee just compares him to dirty laundry? like to be able to be part of the twelve he has to ditch every single aspect of his life?? THE LIFE THAT PROBABLY SAVED HIM FROM BEING A DESTITUTE ORPHAN. I wouldn't be surprised if Hadad was the one that took him in after his parents died and taught him business skills. It's how he sees the world!!! it's how he was taught to see the world!!

yet no one ever takes any time to see his perspective or give him any chance to meaningfully contribute. he's just this permanent outsider, trying to get in but never ever being fully in. everyone just keeps speaking in cryptic riddles, talking about prophecies and nothing Jesus says makes any sense either, and now even Jesus is rebuking him. judas is probably completely lost and confused by the time we get to episode 8 of season 4.

and it's really uncomfortable to watch.

as someone who grew up in the church, and also saw the world in a very different way from everyone else, I've also experienced what judas is experiencing. desperately clawing for some sort of place in the church AND NOTHING WORKING. I haven't been to church in nearly a year because everytime i tried, i just didn't fit. they didn't want me, i always felt perpetually on the outside of the circle.

on top of that, i'm 99% sure i'm autistic, so like judas, i see the world very logically. i like to have things told in a very straightforward way, and think in very material concepts (for him it's money). But the "Christianese" never made any sense to me. I never understood it. So I spent my days in the church perpetually alone, never fitting in and never fully understanding who I was even supposed to be believing in because nobody took the time to explain it to me in a way I could understand, but vaguely knowing that I wanted to believe in something.

I believe Judas wanted to believe in Jesus, and did believe in Him, but never fully understood why.

...and then he dies. I'm still wondering how the show is going to handle the lead up to his betrayal, but I'm going to assume continually being rejected by the other disciples had something to do with it.

and you know what else is really sick about all this? Jesus fully knowing that Judas was going to betray Him and kill himself. and he just...lets it happen. like he's some sort of sacrificial scapegoat. it makes me so mad??

i could rant about this for hours but yea. i'll just leave this here. Dallas you have so much fking explaining to do. i dread watching this season...

#tw: personal #the chosen tv series #judas iscariot #christianity #the chosen season 4 #the chosen #ex evangelical #judas

[phoenix-flamed]

Putting this under a Read More, because personal and because pet death. After this post, I'll try to focus more on roleplaying on here.

Just got home from our final goodbye with Spencer. I took a video of her purring, and the vet tech said that when they were taking her pawprints, she stepped right on the paper. I like to think that was her way of saying goodbye, too.

I'm gonna miss my Princess Puff. But I'm so grateful to her for having been with me through so much, and for choosing me to be her owner.

#Out of the Flames #TW: Personal #CW: Personal #TW: Pet Death #CW: Pet Death

[fawndlyvenus]

I need to get something off my chest. Very personal rant below.

I’m gonna say this once and only once: Let people write and imagine characters how they want. Canon or not. Please stop ruining fandom, but also enjoyable and happy places for people because they don’t think exactly like you.

This is not a callout post to or about any person or group. It’s legit just me feeling so close to leaving the KimChay community because of the amount of gatekeeping and harassment going on. I don’t care where you stand or how you see the characters/ship.

I legit could care less in this stance. I like pretty much everything, regardless of what I write or not. But the bullying and pettyness is reaching a breaking point for me, and I’m almost in tears over it now. Something I love is being ruined for me.

I hate drama. I hate people saying and doing stuff behind backs. I hate discourse. I know it’s inevitable. I’m aware it’s always gonna happen. But please, stop pulling me in it and directing it at me. I’m bleeding on the floor at this point.

I wanna support so many people and read so many fics. See tons of versions of these characters I love so much. But being beaten down over and over again is making me step away more and more. Can we just all do our own thing and be ok with it?

If you don’t like a version or stance, valid. But please don’t be so cruel and mean about it. Look away and move on. At this point I don’t know when I’ll touch KimChay again because I’m legit sick at my stomach over all this. I’m so tired of this battle I never wanted.

Real people are behind these screens. Real human people with real human feelings. Please remember that. Have some empathy and have some compassion. Am I a sensitive person? Yeah and I know it. But I’m also watching in real time people getting hurt over this.

Myself included. Be yourselves. Write your stories. Drop your meta. But for the love of whatever, stop throwing around so much hurt. I mean it when I say I care about everyone, even if they hate me or curse me. I hope you find peace and happiness someday.

Because I have never and will never be a person that feels satisfaction from others pain and unhappiness. So please let people be. Let people live. These are people after all. Please remember that. Stay safe.🤍💛

#tw: personal #tw: personal rant #fandom discourse #Again this is not me trying to start anything just I am fucking breaking and bleeding from all this fighting #I needed to get this out of me before it ate me alive because I am legit shaking and in tears #my safe place is being turned into a battlefield and I am not a soldier

[sophiaharrington]

I haven't been nearly as active on here as I'd like to be but I just wanted to pop in to say hi and give a few updates. Until late April I will probably be posting here a bit sporadically. Please know I'm not intentionally ignoring anyone or dropping threads, my day-to-day circumstances have simply changed for the time being. As always feel free to reach out to me through d.iscord (or ask for it) tumblr messages are a bit wonky but I do try to respond to those, too.

#* . ⊹ 𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝘯 𝘵ℎ𝘦 𝘥𝑎𝘳𝑘 › ooc #tw: personal #tw just to be safe

[will-noble-owns-my-ass]

I am actually— I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people comparing me to other people. Either other people with disabilities able-bodied people. Disabilities effect everyone differently

#tw: personal #disability #physically disabled

[nossumusmanus]

A bit of a life update under the cut.

Hi! As a bit of a head's up, I'm having some troubling health issues. I'll spare you the lengthy list of details, and just mention the two most pressing things: in early August, I'm going into surgery to have a large ovarian cyst removed, and in July I have an appointment with an endocrinologist because I have a nodule on my thyroid. I'm hoping the latter somehow won't require surgery, but as you can probably guess, I'm stressed and worried, on top of everything else that's been on my mind.

#Out of Ammo #Tw: Personal #CW: Personal #TW: Health issues #CW: Health issues #TW: Surgery #CW: Surgery

[rhoorl]

Pedro Desk Calendar + Megacon Review

It's the first day of the month in the office so that means I get to flip my Pedro desk calendar to February!

I also decorated my cube with a few pieces I picked up from Megacon Orlando this past weekend.

It was my first con in nearly 10 years and I forgot how much fun they are! We saw a couple of panels, bought some art and took in some people watching.

A highlight was seeing Temuera Morrison and Ming-Na Wen's panel and seeing the original voice of Dora the Explorer host a storytime for kids (Baby Rhoorl loved it!)

I didn't take a ton of photos but here are a few!

#tw: personal

[crybaby-bkg]

to whom it may concern (makeup ^_^)

you missed it 😔 🤚🏼

I did my makeup yesterday and tried something along the lines of trad goth ^_^ it’s not it exactly bc I was Nervous but I loved this so much and I wanted to share it 🥲

#tw: personal #I couldn’t stop staring at myself sashskdjdj #not my everyday style but I wouldn’t mind adopting some new techniques #I LOVED my eyebrows lmfao my favorite part about it #I’ve been wanting thin eyebrows anyway so I was LIVING

[sleepysnk]

ok, so, he’s the long ass rant i have about my stupid fucking lame asshole ass job.

for context, i’ve been working there since February of last year. i also took a gap year from college to just focus on me and getting better with myself because my last school year was so mentally draining.

all these issues started when the new school year began (fall 2022). i had been promised by my boss at the time for more hours, and possibly a lead position. this meant i’d get paid more and have more hours. it was something i was looking for because i didn’t want to just sit around the entire semester doing nothing, so i gave them my availability and that was it.

SO THEN, at one of our meetings, i saw that they had only scheduled me two days a week.

two. days.

so my boss told me that if any spots opened up she’d message me about it, and it kind of annoyed me because ?? i asked for MORE hours not less. it was super irritating too because i only get paid $13.00 an hour and i was barely working 2-3 hours a day. when you take out taxes and other shit, that’s NOT a lot of money. i was only bringing home a good $114-$115 every two weeks. it wasn’t exactly worth it to me, but i continued to work in case of that chance someone quit.

SO THIS IS WHERE SHIT MADE ME SO MAD.

i work within a school district and the school went on winter break. they asked us for our availability for the next semester and i submitted a form. then, tell me why, i get the new schedule and IM NOT ON IT. I WAS VERY CONFUSED SO I MESSAGED MY BOSS AND SHE NEVER ANSWERED ME.

then, a day later, i got an email where she basically was saying to redo the form and that was it. i was kind of annoyed because ?? i submitted a form.. so why am i not on the schedule and why couldn’t you answer me?

THIS IS WHEN I GOT SO PISSED AND THIS HAPPENED TODAY.

so, i opened up my emails when i woke up and saw a new schedule. i opened it and i was so fucking irritated to see that i was only scheduled for ONE. DAY.

i was BEYOND infuriated because wtf???? i asked for more hours and you seriously just cut it?? absolutely not. i ended up telling my mom and she was also mad too because she said they were being unfair with me and that i should try and say something. i got so fed up that i basically sent a fucking email to my boss saying that i quit because this job wasn’t benefiting me anymore. LIKE HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SCHEDULE SOMEONE FOR ONE DAY A WEEK???? THATS NOT COOL AT ALL??? i was so irritated and it pissed me off even more when i saw there were people on there working either everyday or 3-4 days a week. LIKE WHAT??? GIRL FUCK YOU.

anyway, moral of the story, get a job that actually respects your availability and TRIES to make an effort at making it work.

#summer speaks #rant #tw: personal #?? #idk #i’m so mad #i quit so fast #fuck u

[bpdcodone]

If anyone knew they’d all laugh at what a gross ass failure you made me into! I can’t survive in such a hateful world of SCUM!

Signed your hateful rite of passage, Janey

#did vent #persecutor #persecutor alter #did alter #complex dissociative disorder #dissocation #dissociative alters #tw: dissociating #tw: swearing #tw: verbal abuse #tw: personal #persecutors #dissociative system #dissociative identities #dissociative vent #dissociative identity disorder

[phoenix-flamed]

Personal thing under the Read More.

My little old lady cat, Spencer, aka Princess Puff, isn't eating anymore. She vomited up water and foam, she won't eat her puff snack(a pill pocket with her thyroid medication in it), she's hiding under my bed right now, and when she came out this morning when I was getting ready to feed the cats, she kept panting heavily.

She's like, 16 or so, something like? And has thyroid problems. In hindsight, there were so many little signs that something was wrong lately, and I stupidly didn't connect the dots until now.

She has an appointment with the vet in two hours, but it may be time to say goodbye to her, as much as it breaks my heart to because I thought she and I had more time together. I wanted to give her more time -- she was already 8 when I adopted her.

#Out of the Flames #TW: Personal #CW: Personal #TW: Pet Illness #CW: Pet Illness