#tsss fanfic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melanie-adia-of-the-multiverse · 3 years

Text

Light and Tenderness

Summary: Patton loves being the emotional Side. He really does. He just wishes he could keep his emotions in check better. Especially when it comes to a certain stoic Side.

Pairing: Logicality

Word Count: 21,276

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Fluff

Warnings: Minor arson (courtesy of Remus), Remus being Remus, very mild language (a minuscule amount but just in case), food, self-deprecation, self-doubt, self-worth issues, self-esteem issues, misunderstandings, distress, repressing feelings, anger, shouting, crying (lots of it), guilt, kissing (but not on the lips)

AO3 Link

Author’s Note: Greetings to all. I actually posted this on Patton’s ‘birthday’ on AO3, but my mind slipped about posting it here, hence the lateness. A little something to commemorate both his existence and my entry into the world of posting fanfiction. Although I've been writing for most of my life, this isn't my first fic. However, it IS the first fic I've ever posted online for anyone to read, and this is the first fandom where I actually wanted to contribute creatively to it, so Sanders Sides now has two special distinctions in this regard. I’m always trying to improve my writing, and though this ended up being longer than I anticipated, my hope is that it’s as well-thought out as I could possibly make it, and that people find it entertaining. Thank you for your time, take care, be safe, and enjoy.

A dad joke was what got the ball rolling.

It had been a quiet day; Thomas hadn’t anything important to focus on or get done, so he’d spent the day relaxing at home, which, in turn, meant that his Sides were relaxing in the living room of the Mindscape. They were each doing their own thing while enjoying one another’s company. Logan was sitting in his armchair reading a book on neuroscience. Virgil was lying on one end of the couch with his headphones on, scrolling through Tumblr on his phone. Roman was sitting on the floor at the coffee table and writing in a journal, brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to will imagery, rhymes and other lyrical adornments into his prose. And Patton was sitting on the other end of the couch, colouring in a colouring book on his lap with crayons. It was a simple book collection of various cute animals, and he was currently using a Prussian blue crayon to scribble inside of the outline of an adorable golden retriever. Why he chose blue? Just because. Things didn’t always have to be the same colour as they were in real life; when drawing or painting or doing any kind of artsy-fartsy stuff, anyone could make anything any colour they wanted!

(It totally had nothing to do with the idea that maybe the crayon’s hue had made him think of a particular professor. *cough, cough*)

At some point, Patton looked up from his drawing and took in the scene around him, a smile growing on his face at the sight of his famILY. Then his gaze fell on Logan, and his smile turned into something softer, a warmth pulsing in his chest. The sun’s rays of the Mindscape were shining through the window, hitting Logan in just the right way wherein all the best parts of him were illuminated: the broad frame of his shoulders; his immaculately coiffed hair looking like it had golden highlights; his sharp features that contributed to his ‘serious’ nature, including his sculpted cheekbones and pointed nose; the light glinting off the matching Warby Parker frames and hiding his eyes from view; and his mouth that was always in a perpetual pout. These were just a few of the many reasons why Patton thought of Logan as the ‘good-looking’ one in the group (although, if ever asked outright, he’d say all of them were good-looking, which made sense since they were all parts of the same person).

Patton wasn’t sure when it started, nor could he recall when he’d realized the fact; it kind of developed slowly and quietly. What he knew for certain, though, was that he had had feelings for Logan for as long as he could remember, and he was keenly aware of the flutter in his heart and the warmth in his chest whenever Logan even entered a room. Patton just couldn’t help it, and he didn’t want to.

His smile faltered then, and Patton heaved a quiet sigh. No matter how much he yearned and wished and hoped, Patton didn’t and wouldn’t dare act on his feelings.

His relationship with the logical Side, though better nowadays, had always been difficult. Even when Thomas was a child and was beginning to learn more about the world around him and make decisions on everyday things, Logan and Patton – as Thomas’ metaphysical representations of his mind and heart – continuously (and metaphorically, not literally ‘cos then both would’ve had constant boo-boos, thank goodness) butted heads on whether Thomas should go the proper route (“Thomas has two hours’ worth of homework to complete! He cannot watch TV right now!”) or the fun route (“But it’s his favourite cartoon! Plus, he’ll have plenty of time to do it after dinner!”). That’s just how it was – and still is – with them. They are total opposites, constantly clashing with different ideals and thoughts on what they think is best for Thomas. It’s like trying to mix oil and water.

Also, as the Side of reason and rational thinking, Logan often denied that he had emotions and didn’t think much or highly of love, romance and affection. Things that were very personal and dear to Patton (well, maybe not so much with romance; that’s more Roman’s domain).

So, that was why Patton was certain that Logan could and would never feel the same way for him like he did for Logan, a thought that made his heart crack a little. But he just pushed it all down, squared his shoulders, pasted on a smile and went on with life as normal. It was fine. It was all fine. Even though he and Logan could never be together, they could at least have their friendship, which was good enough for Patton. It was. And especially after what happened after the wedding, Patton didn’t dare do anything else to make things go south again.

Even when his heart wanted something more.

At any rate, Patton shook himself out of his thoughts and turned his focus back on finishing colouring in the dog. When he was done, he looked at his handiwork with a pleased smile on his face then turned to the anxious Side, reaching out a finger to tap Virgil’s foot.

Virgil started slightly and looked up from his phone, only to relax when he realized it was just Patton and lifted up one of his headphones. “What’s up, Pop Star?”

Patton grinned wide. “Whaddaya think, Virge?” He held up the colouring book with the dog page facing Virgil.

Virgil took a moment to scan the picture and a smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Nice, Pat. But why’d you colour it blue?”

Patton shrugged. “Wanted to change things up a bit. And I like blue. Besides, life’s blue short to be worrying about what colour things should be!”

The dad Side was rewarded with twin groans from Virgil and Roman (who’d been half-listening to the conversation), which just made him smile happily. He was about to go back to colouring in more of the picture when a huffed chuckle made him turn his head in direction of it.

Logan was looking up from his book, a half-smile on his face which still sent Patton’s stomach into mini somersaults. “That was rather amusing, Patton.”

Patton’s eyes widened and his mouth parted slightly, incredulous. Did…did Logan actually do what he thought he did? Evidently, both Roman and Virgil thought the same thing, staring at the logical Side as they were.

“Woah…Lo actually found one of Pat’s dad jokes funny,” Virgil said in a low but surprised tone.

“Indeed,” Roman breathed. “And he complimented it, too! I was always under the impression that you hated Padre’s puns, Teach!”

Logan leveled the creative Side with an even stare and pushed his glasses up his nose with a finger. “ ‘Hate’ is a strong adjective to use, Roman. While it’s true that, in the past, I’ve reacted with significant aversion whenever Patton made a joke or pun, I do sometimes find them to be quite witty.”

“You do?”

Everyone’s heads turned towards Patton, who was still staring at Logan as if he’d just said that Patton was the smartest Side in the Mindscape. It had to be a joke, right? Logan would never say anything like what he just did. But Logan was Logan. He didn’t do jokes. When he tried to, they fell flat or were too elaborately thought-out. The teacher trait was always better at saying things as they were, anyway. So, this had to mean that he’d actually meant what he’d said.

He hoped…

Logan’s cool expression that he’d maintained during his interaction with Roman – upon looking back at Patton – softened slightly at Patton’s question. “Of course, Patton. Although not at the level of, say, someone like myself or Roman, you do possess a certain level of command of the English language in the form of punchlines and plays-on-words, which is admirable in its own way.“

It was a good thing Patton was sitting on the couch already because he was sure that he was going to fall backwards in shock. First, Logan – the resident no-nonsense Side – laughed at a dad joke that Patton had made, and then he complimented Patton on being able to crack jokes and puns when he usually – though Patton didn’t like using the word – ‘hated’ them…well, he honestly wasn’t sure how to react.

“I…thank you?” Patton finally replied with, not really sure why he’d said it in the form of a question, but what else could he have said?

But it seemed to be enough for Logan who gave him a small real smile this time and nodded at him once before turning back to his book. And for a split second before he did, Patton thought he saw the faintest of flushes flit across Logan’s cheeks as Logan went back to reading.

Patton was still staring at Logan when the quiet moment was broken by twin yells ringing through the air. Both Patton and Logan whipped their heads around to see Roman throwing himself away from the coffee table as his notebook suddenly burst into flames; Virgil had backed further into the cushions of the couch, wide fearful eyes staring at the – still relatively small – vermilion conflagration eating up the well-worn pages of Roman’s writings.

Then a maniacal cackle from above them had all four Sides looking up to see Remus hanging from the ceiling light, Cheshire-cat grin almost splitting his face open.

“Looks like your fancy-ass words are all going up in smoke, Ro-Bro!” he crowed.

The scene devolved into chaos then, with Logan immediately summoning a fire extinguisher to put out the fire before it spread, Roman trying to cut Remus down from the ceiling with his katana and bellowing about his lost writings as Remus howled with delighted, deranged laughter, Virgil hissing like an angry cat and Patton just trying to get everyone to calm down.

As all of this was going on, he and Logan managed to make eye contact for a few seconds, and Patton thought he saw something in Logan’s eyes, something he’d never seen in the logical trait before, and he wondered…

But he couldn’t get a read on it before Logan quickly broke the eye contact and continued his fire safety measures, leaving Patton to blink blankly after him.

Then Janus showed up to gloat at the scene and Virgil started hissing at him, and Patton forgot all about what had happened prior – for the moment, at least – and got back to work trying to bring about order.

*******

Later on that week, Patton was back in the common area, but alone this time. He was re-watching Steven Universe and marveling at how simple things were in the show back then. Though, having watched Steven Universe: Future when it came out, he couldn’t help but notice all the subtle but heavy subtext the epilogue series had brought to light, but he tried his best to focus on the soft, pastel vibe and wacky character interactions.

He was currently watching the two-part finale of the first season, and he was at the part where Garnet was facing off against Jasper and rapping out her signature song and the first major hit of the show. Patton bopped to the catchy tune and sang along with the Crystal Gem leader. He felt lucky to be a figment of someone who was a great singer (though, he privately thought, Thomas had a long way to go before he could match along the likes of Estelle, but he believed in his kiddo! He’d get there, someday!). He crooned in a low, soft tone, contrasting with the loud, bold belt of the fusion onscreen:

“I am made

O-o-o-o-of

Lo-o-o-o-ove

And it’s stronger than you.

Lo-o-o-o-ove

O-o-o-o-of

Lo-o-o-o-ove

And it’s stronger than you.”

Patton shimmied more enthusiastically during the musical interlude, really getting into his couch dance. He was having so much fun that when he heard a throat being cleared, he almost jumped with a yelp. He looked towards the stairs, and flushed instantly.

Logan was standing on the raised landing at the bottom of the stairs with an amused expression on his face and holding a stack of stapled paper in his hands. Patton immediately moved to grab the remote and mute the TV, face still slightly pink.

“H-Hey, Logan!” he stammered.

Logan chuckled mildly. “You seem to be having fun, Patton.”

“Y-Yeah! Y’know – just – just enjoying a mini dance break in between songs!” Patton fiddled with his cat hoodie sleeves hanging over his shoulders. Why was he feeling embarrassed about being caught dancing and singing? It was just Logan.

Well, maybe it was because it was Logan. Logan sometimes thought what Patton did was a waste of time and energy – TV watching, cat video surfing on YouTube, flipping through old photo albums – nothing productive except to distract Thomas from more important things like script writing, video editing and meetings with his professional team. Which…wasn’t wrong. Patton knew what he did wasn’t always helpful in the long run, that it only eased the stress and tension of the current moment for a while while prolonging the inevitable. Most of the time he was able to shrug off the others’ remarks on his activities, but when it came to Logan…he cared maybe a teensy bit more about the logical Side’s opinion more than anyone else, and sometimes his comments hurt, even though they were true. And Patton had been having a good day today and didn’t want it to be ruined by anything Logan said. But he was here now, and so Patton hunched ever so slightly waiting for the blow.

A blow did come, but in the form of Patton nearly falling backwards into the couch when Logan said: “I think it’s good that you’re enjoying yourself. You’ve been helping Thomas quite a bit lately with some of the issues he’s been having, so it’s nice to see you having some…what’s it called again? Oh, yes: ‘down time’.” He said this last part while looking at one of his notecards that he’d managed to summon out of thin air. Which was good for Patton as his face had turned bright red. He had not been expecting that response at all.

While trying to get his face to cool down, Patton’s eyes landed on the papers in Logan’s hands and lunged at them as a change of subject. “Is that the latest Sanders Sides script?” he asked.

Logan, after vanishing his notecard away, looked back up at Patton briefly before looking down at the papers. “Yes, indeed. Roman and I just finished going through the first couple of drafts and we think it’s ready for Thomas to look through before getting started on scheduling for filming.”

Finally getting his skin tone back to a normal shade, Patton managed to send a smile at Logan. “That’s great! I can’t wait to see what we’re gonna work on next!”

Logan nodded, then looked down at the typed text again. The same faint flush from a few days ago peeked out of the apples of his cheeks. Patton’s eyes zoned in on them, scrutinizing them for a few seconds before refocusing on Logan when he spoke again. “I actually came here to seek your opinion on the new script before we send it back to Thomas.”

Patton blinked at Logan, the silence in the living room somehow deafening even with the TV on mute. Out of the corner of his eye, Patton caught violent flashes of mulberry, punch and seafoam – the confrontation between the Crystal Gems and Malachite was taking place on the screen now – but he paid no heed as he eyed the rational trait.

“You want me to read the script?” he said, surprised.

Logan nodded.

“But…why?”

It was a silly thing to say, but Patton couldn’t help it. It was rare for him to read through a script in its early stages. It wasn’t that he never read anything Thomas and his writers came up with; it was just that Roman and Logan had always been the de facto Sides to oversee the process: Roman with his ability to come up with video ideas and witty banter, and Logan to look up relevant information and definitions for various theories and lessons and to fact-check, spell-check and grammar-check the heck out of the words until things were as good as they could be. Patton and Virgil were less involved in the process because they were more feelings-based: Patton with all the emotions and Virgil – with his tendency to overthink things – just couldn’t handle the pressure; he kept away from the whole thing with a 10-foot pole. Once in a while Patton was allowed a cursory look over the script in its rough form, but in general he just didn’t have any part in the process. Which he was fine with, honestly. Though, sometimes he wished he knew what to expect, considering some videos when he’d gone in blind and was blindsided by a topic that squicked him.

Logan blinked at Patton’s statement, and a strange look passed over his face – too fast for Patton to discern what it was – before it settled back into its standard neutral state, though his eyes seemed softer than before. “Because you provide valuable contribution with your ability to emote and detect others’ emotions. I figured having someone look over the script to make sure we present a video that is emotionally-sensitive while still conveying whatever lesson we want to teach would be beneficial. And you’re the best Side to do that.”

Patton blinked owlishly, bewildered by the kind comment, but his hands silently reached out for the script. Logan walked towards him in a few long, quick strides and placed it into his hands. Patton looked at him a moment longer before looking down and flipping the title page over to begin reading through. He vaguely registered Logan sitting next to him on the couch, but his eyes focused on the words in front of him.

It took him maybe 20 minutes or so to go through the whole script, and during that time he would pipe up with a comment about something in the text that either confused him or thought needed a little tweaking, and Logan would either provide an explanation or nod and make a mental note to fix those sections later. When he was finished, Patton turned to give the script back to Logan. As he did, he noticed with a jolt that Logan was sitting closer to him than he’d realized, and the emotional trait just barely managed to stop himself from flushing again, though he couldn’t stop the flutter in his chest when he looked up into Logan’s face and saw Logan giving him a small smile.

“Thank you very much, Patton. I’m certain that, once we’ve made the necessary corrections, the script will be in prime condition for Thomas’ approval.”

Patton gave the teacher a big smile – but not too big though, don’t want to overdo it – and airily shrugged a shoulder. “No problem! Happy to help! Though I’m sure it would’ve been fine even without me looking it over.”

He thought that would’ve been the end of it, that Logan would nod and then get up and leave for his room immediately.

But Logan still sat there, still sitting close to Patton – close enough that their knees were almost touching, Patton couldn’t help but notice with a little thrill – and the same strange look from before came back, though this time it lingered. Patton still couldn’t decipher what it meant, which annoyed him a little; what was the point of being the emotional Side when he couldn’t always read what others were feeling? But then he looked into Logan’s eyes and paused. The same ‘something’ from before was back in them, more present than before, and for a brief moment Patton thought he knew what it was…but it was on the tip of his tongue (or, the top of his brain?), and no matter how much he grabbed at it, he couldn’t figure it out.

He stilled when he felt something on his shoulder, and he looked down to see that Logan had placed a hand on his shoulder. His brain promptly short-circuited.

Logan’s face seemed to soften more, and he said, in a soft, gentle tone: “You are invaluable, Patton. And important. And needed. Not only to Thomas, but to us, as well. I hope you know that.”

Patton gaped, mouth slightly ajar. Who was this Side and what did he do to Logan? Not only was Logan seeking him out and getting his thoughts on the script, but he was also telling Patton that he was important and needed? Patton didn’t know how much more of this he could take. But he managed to give a small jerky nod and whisper an “Okay…”

Logan gave him a small genuine smile and squeezed his shoulder, sending a rush of heat through Patton that made him feel lightheaded. Then the factual facet stood up, thanked Patton again for his help and left, leaving Patton sitting on the couch staring after him, thoughts and questions buzzing in his head and butterflies flitting in his chest.

*******

A few days later, Patton was in the kitchen preparing to make brownies. He’d had a long day of helping Thomas out with a few small moral dilemmas, and he felt drained. Usually, baking was a good way for him to relax, and it was even better when he did it with someone, which tended to be Roman or Virgil. Unfortunately, Roman was in the Imagination guiding Thomas through ‘daydream mode’, and Virgil was in his room needing some alone time. Although they’d been getting along better since the wedding, Janus wasn’t really the baking type, and Remus…well, Remus tended to want to add strange and unconventional ingredients in sweet treats, and Patton wasn’t really in the mood for any chaos that day.

That left Logan…but Logan was working, as always, and Patton couldn’t do that to Logan: asking if he wanted to help Patton out in the kitchen. He knew the logical Side didn’t like to be interrupted during his work, and, besides, what he did was more important than what Patton was doing. As much as he would love his company. Or anyone’s company, for that matter. But everyone was busy or had their own thing going on, and Patton wouldn’t take that away from them.

An ache twinged in his chest, and Patton closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and out. He was still learning to accept that he felt bad emotions too and to let them pass through. He really disliked the feeling, how unpleasant they were from good emotions, but he truly did understand that they were all a part of life, and necessary too, so long as he didn’t dwell on them for too long. Didn’t mean he had to like them, though.

Thankfully, he was able to breathe through the sad, lonely feeling he’d just felt before continuing gathering all the baking materials he still needed. He was just looking over the recipe to check if he’d missed anything when he heard a soft knocking on the open archway leading into the kitchen. Patton started a little before looking up to see who it was.

It was Logan, standing in the archway with his hands behind his back, perfect posture as always.

Patton’s heart skipped a beat and his face brightened in surprise and excitement. He usually tried not to make his crush so obvious, so though he couldn’t hold back the large smile that grew on his face, he just managed to keep his tone from getting too high-pitched as he chirped: “Hi, Logan!”

Logan gave him a small smile back. “Good afternoon, Patton. I see you’re about to do some baking.”

“Yep!” Patton motioned towards all the ingredients that were sitting on the island, ready to serve their purpose. “I was gonna make brownies today.”

Logan cocked his head to one side. “Don’t you usually make cookies?” he commented.

Patton paused. Logan paid attention to what Patton made during his baking sessions?

The dad figment bit down on the side of his mouth and shrugged one shoulder up slightly. “I wanted to do something different this time,” he mumbled, looking off to the side. Should he be making cookies, instead? He knew his double-chunk chocolate chip cookies were legendary throughout the Mindscape. Everyone loved them, even the Dark Sides. But he’d seen a recipe for salted-caramel fudge brownies one night – when Thomas had been doing some late 2 A.M. Internet browsing, which had piqued the moral Side’s interest – and wanted to try them out. But he also knew how the others felt when things deviated from the norm. Maybe he should ix-nay on the ownies-bray and go for the usual.

Patton was shaken out of his brooding when Logan continued: “Well, it’s good to try new things from time to time, so I’m sure whatever you’re making will still turn out delicious, as usual.”

Once again, Patton had no idea how to respond to Logan’s compliments, other than try and not flush too much. They were just so rare, and Logan saying nice things about Patton…it was lucky he couldn’t self-combust. That was an ability Remus happily laid claim to, to uncanny effect.

“I – I hope so! I mean, I’m sure they’ll be super-duper yummy!” Patton winced inwardly at the slight crack in his voice in the middle of his sentence, but he gave Logan another bright smile before turning back to the recipe print-out sitting on the island surface, pretending to reread the ingredients list whilst trying very hard to regain some composure. He didn’t get very far before Logan spoke up again:

“Would you like some assistance in your baking endeavour?”

Patton froze for a moment before lifting his head to look at Logan again.

“You…you wanna bake with me?”

Logan nodded. “Indeed…if you’re not opposed to it.” Logan suddenly seemed a little shy, and he tilted his head downwards ever so slightly, faintly blushing once again.

Patton wondered if he’d been a fish in a past life, because he just couldn’t seem to stop his mouth from gaping lately. But he couldn’t help it. Logan was actually asking if he could spend time with Patton – just the two of them – and seeming sincere about it too.

Then Patton remembered something and his brow furrowed. “Aren’t you busy? Like, with work and stuff?”

Logan blinked at Patton’s question for a moment before mildly shrugging his shoulders and reaching up to readjust his glasses. “I’ve been able to achieve a sufficient amount of progress on my tasks today, and, besides, taking short, regular breaks during the workday is essential for de-stressing and re-charging, not to mention helping improve overall job satisfaction and productivity.”

Patton made a note to carry around something soft in the future so that he could put it on the ground near him, because he was almost going to keel over with shock. Logan was willingly taking a break in his busy schedule to spend it with Patton? He had to be dreaming.

He was, once again, brought out of his thoughts when Logan said: “I understand if you’d prefer to go about this alone. I’ll just go back to my room and read something until my break’s over–“

“No!”

Logan started, and Patton inwardly cursed himself for his outburst. He pushed back his shoulders, pasted on a smile and said: “I’d be happy for you to help me.”

The same small, genuine smile spread on Logan’s face, and Patton felt his face heat up as Logan fully entered the kitchen and walked to the sink to wash his hands before they got started.

The baking session went better than Patton thought it ever could. Baking with Logan was different than when he baked with Virgil or Roman. Virgil preferred to watch because he was afraid of something going wrong (plus the whole fire thing). Patton would be able to coax him into at least stirring in the chocolate chips and rolling the dough into little balls, but otherwise Patton did all the work, which he was fine with. With Roman, he tended to be a little too boisterous, his grand gestures knocking over containers, sending utensils flying across the kitchen and leaving a bit of a mess behind, though he always graciously helped Patton clean up after they were done.

But when it was him and Logan, Patton found that they actually made quite a good team together. Logan was skilled at organizing ingredients by weight and amount down to the most accurate measurement, as well as evenly delegating tasks between them. They moved around one another seamlessly like a dance in motion without ever touching each other, though the times when they’d accidentally brush arms or graze fingers Patton would feel his face get warm again.

And as they made the salted caramel drizzle while they waited for the brownies to bake in the oven, Logan chimed in with various facts and insights on baking, ranging from the chemical reactions between certain ingredients to historical background on the treat itself and how it came to be beloved in the modern world. Patton found it all really interesting, and he hung onto Logan’s every word. He truly did enjoy listening to Logan talk: he loved how Logan’s eyes shone and his face lit up ever so slightly when he was on a topic that interested him or that he was knowledgeable about. The dad figment could listen to Logan talk forever…well, maybe almost forever. Even as a metaphysical representation of part of someone’s personality, he still needed sleep at some point. But generally, most of the time, he could listen to Logan talk on and on.

Soon, the oven beeped and Patton opened the door to take the brownies out and leave the tray on a wire rack on the counter to cool. As they did, Logan and Patton washed up the dirty utensils and bowls and wiped down the counters. When the brownies were finally cool enough, Patton carefully drizzled the caramel mixture with a spatula and Logan stood by with a paper towel to wipe away any spills. Then they both stood back and admired their handiwork.

“They look great!” Patton beamed. “I can’t wait to try them after dinner!”

Logan nodded in agreement. “I’m certain they’ll be quite tasty. So long as you don’t sneak any before then.”

Patton went bright red at the remark and turned away in embarrassment, hunching his shoulders slightly. But then he heard Logan chuckle and he looked back to see Logan looking at him with a slight smirk on his face. Relaxing a bit, Patton managed to send a smile back, though he still felt rather flushed.

Logan then checked the time on his watch. “Well, I suppose I should get back to work now. I’ll see you at dinner, Patton.”

“Sure,” Patton murmured, feeling the warmth in his chest recede a little as he watched Logan turn around and start walking out of the kitchen. Patton had loved every moment that he’d spent with Logan. They just worked so well together. He was a little sad for it to end, since he had no idea when it would ever happen again. Or if, even.

“Logan?” he found himself calling out. Logan stopped in the archway and turned back around to look at Patton. Patton fidgeted with his hands, vaguely aware of how sticky they were from the caramel. “I…I had a really good time with you today. Thank you.”

Once again, the same soft look came over Logan’s face, as well as the ‘something’ in his eyes. “You’re welcome, Patton. I, too, found the time spent doing this activity with you enjoyable.”

Patton’s heart gave a flip at those words, and he smiled shyly at Logan. He started turning around to go wash his hands when he heard Logan call after him, and he looked back to see Logan being a little fidgety himself, which was strange: Logan hardly got fidgety about anything.

Logan rubbed the fabric of his tie between his thumb and index finger while keeping his other hand behind his back. “The next time you’re baking, Patton, and no one else is available, I would be more than amenable to help out. You can just knock on my door and let me know.”

Patton stared at Logan. “R-Really?” he said, as if in wonder. “What if you’re busy?”

Logan winced slightly but replied: “Well…it is true that sometimes I may not always be available, but then I’ll ensure to block out time in my schedule for it on another day…if you have no objection to it.”

Logan seemed almost shy again when he said that, which was also unlike him. Patton didn’t know what to think. But he found himself breathing out in a whisper: “I’d love that.”

Logan seemed to beam back himself at that response. Not as brightly as Patton, but in a way that still took Patton’s breath away. “Satisfactory,” was all he said.

Then he turned and left the kitchen, once again leaving Patton standing there, wondering and puzzling, though the warmth in his chest remained.

*******

As time went on, Patton and Logan spent more time together, not just baking or cooking once a week, but doing other activities as well, and Logan was always the one to initiate them. They didn’t hang out in each other’s rooms since a Side’s room often affected the others adversely apart from the Side in question, so they would hang out in the common area, it being a neutral zone and all.

Sometimes they would sit in silence while Logan read and Patton watched YouTube videos on his phone, but Logan would pipe up every so often to share something he thought Patton would find interesting, which he did. In turn, Patton would pluck up the courage to show a video that he found funny or cute to Logan; he would generally respond with a small smile or a brief chuckle before going back to his book, but Patton took them as they came.

Other times they would just chat about various topics, and Patton noticed that Logan often chose subjects that were more in line with what Patton enjoyed, like animals, cartoons, food and flowers. Patton was always happy to talk about things he liked and knew about, especially since Logan paid close attention to him as he spoke, but he still made sure to balance out their conversations with things that Logan liked too, even though he wasn’t as knowledgeable about them as Logan. But his efforts seemed to please the teacher, and that brought the warmth in Patton’s chest back.

Patton couldn’t have been more thrilled with these additional moments of quality time with Logan, but he was still a bit puzzled. He didn’t know what had propelled Logan to be friendlier with him now, but he couldn’t complain, and he wouldn’t. Why would he? He was getting to spend time with the Side he looked up to the most, and it was wonderful. They were becoming better friends by the day, and Patton wouldn’t have it any other way.

Well, he did want it another way, but his head pushed that want deep down against his heart’s protests. Yes, Logan was being nicer to him. Yes, Logan was spending more time with him. And yes, Logan was seeking out Patton’s opinions and input more than before. But that was it. Nothing more. Because friends did that for each other all the time. And Patton had not gotten any wind that Logan liked him more than that. His heart would pipe up about the flushes and random bouts of shyness and even the ‘something’ in Logan’s eye that kept eluding Patton’s discernment, but his head would scoff and remind that Logan was not an emotional trait like the others; he wasn’t as proficient in the ways of social interactions and emotional cues, so it was normal for him to be awkward in these types of situations. His heart would still stubbornly flutter and hope though, and as Logan and Patton grew closer, the more he began to feel that maybe, just maybe, there was something there after all.

The biggest clue was presented to Patton when he nearly died.

Okay, ‘died’ is a strong word, but he’d nearly gotten hurt, if it weren’t for Logan being there to help him.

The Sides had had their biweekly movie night – The Emperor’s New Groove being that night’s film of choice – and were clearing away the spoils of their evening before turning in for the night. Roman was sweeping the floor of any snack crumbs, Virgil was wiping down the coffee table and fluffing up the cushions on the couch, and Logan and Patton were washing the snack bowls and drink glasses before putting them into the dishwasher.

Logan had just finished wiping his hands dry before reaching over the sink to turn off the still-running tap when he heard a giggle on his left side. He turned his head slightly to see Patton holding the last bowl in his hands, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Logan raised an eyebrow at him. “Patton…”

Patton grinned wider. “Pull the lever, Logan!”

Logan let out a long-suffering sigh and flicked the tap off in one quick motion.

“Wrong lever!”

Logan rolled his eyes so hard Patton thought they’d actually fall out of his head (again, another ability that Remus eagerly delighted in showing off to everyone, sometimes a little too much). “That is the last time we’ll be watching that particular film. Between you, Roman and Remus–“

“Aw, c’mon! It’s harmless! And funny!”

Logan rolled his eyes again, but Patton could see the corner of his mouth twitching slightly as if he was fighting a smile, so Patton considered that a win in his book (although he was holding a bowl at the moment). After setting up the dishwasher, the two of them left the kitchen, still making idle chatter between them. As they passed through the living room, they both noted that Roman and Virgil had disappeared, meaning they’d finished their tasks and gone to their rooms. Patton and Logan made sure all the lights were turned off before they started making their way up the stairs themselves, Logan leading the way with Patton slightly behind him.

As they ascended, Patton’s mind flitted back to the movie night itself. It had gotten off almost without a hitch, save for a moment when Roman had flung popcorn at Virgil who’d made a snide comment about how similar Kuzco was to the princely trait…in a bad way. But Patton and Logan both quelled the quarrel quickly before it could escalate with both offending Sides grumbling to themselves but turning their attention back to the TV monitor. Again, Patton was reminded of how well he and Logan worked together. When it came to breaking up fights, Logan offered a calm but fair assessment of the disagreements and Patton would swoop in with gentle but firm admonitions about what was said and why it shouldn’t have been. Between the two of them, they made good mediators. And it made sense. As physical iterations of important figures in Thomas’ life – namely, a father and a teacher – they weren’t the authority figures in the famILY for nothing. It was for that that Patton had always seen Logan as his equal, even if Logan didn’t view him the same way.

Anyways, what had made the movie night even more enjoyable was the seating arrangement. Usually, Roman would be sitting in his bean bag chair by the ceiling-to-floor window, Virgil would be on the far-left side of the couch (when facing the TV) sitting on top with his back against the wall and socked feet on the seat cushions (no shoes allowed on the couch), and Patton sat on the other end. Usually, during movie nights, Logan would sit in his armchair that sat a little off from where the couch was, separated from everyone, but another thing he’d started doing in the last few weeks was join them on the couch, sitting next to Patton. Patton had been thrown off by that the first time Logan did it but very quickly relished it. As he and Logan had grown closer, they’d started exchanging brief moments of affection between each other – a hand on a shoulder from Logan, Patton lightly brushing past Logan in the hallway, and, now, sitting close to each other while watching movies. Practically shoulder-to-shoulder, leg-to-leg, and Patton loved it. He felt the warmth he always felt whenever he was with Logan flare up in his chest and spread all over him, and his fondness and yearning grew even more. Lately it was getting more difficult for him to stop thinking that this was all platonic, that there was something there between them, his heart continuing to hope even harder. His head would always come through though, still, and repress everything, still rationalizing all of Logan’s gestures as that of a good, close friend, nothing else. But what if, maybe…just maybe…

Patton was so deep in his thoughts, he didn’t pay attention when he’d made it to the top of the stairs, and the back of his cat hoodie got caught on the newel post.

Patton let out a choked noise as he felt his hoodie sleeves pull taut around his neck. Then a startled squeak eked out of his throat as he felt himself get sharply yanked backwards by the momentum. Alarm immediately shot through him as he felt himself hover in the air for a split second.

He was about to fall down the stairs.

Patton teetered on the edge of the top stair, flailing his arms in a poor attempt to regain balance. Then gravity took hold and Patton felt himself topple backwards.

A hand quickly grabbed his wrist and Patton felt himself get wrenched forwards before colliding heavily with someone’s body.

Patton’s face smushed into that person’s chest and he instinctively wrapped his arms around their torso, breathing heavily and shaking a little. He felt strong arms wrap around him in turn and a steady hand start rubbing broad strokes up and down his back. Patton was vaguely aware of someone speaking, but he couldn’t focus on the words through the adrenaline-fueled roar in his ears. He then felt whoever was holding him start gently patting a familiar pattern on his back. Patton recognized it as the 4-7-8 technique, and he tried to follow it as best he could while listening to the heartbeat thrumming just under his right ear. It helped somewhat, and soon Patton was feeling calmer.

He heard a familiar deep cadence float into his ear, laced with a fair amount of concern: “Patton, are you all right?”

Patton nodded into whoever’s chest it was. “Y-Yeah…I think so.” He still felt a bit shaky, but otherwise normal. As his awareness came back, Patton looked out the corner of his eye to see if he could get a clue on who it was that he was wrapped around.

He was greeted with a familiar bespectacled brain swimming in a sea of onyx.

Patton froze stock-still for a moment before slowly looking up.

Sure enough, staring back at him with a slightly gaped mouth and wide eyes was Logan.

Time seemed to stand still as the two Sides stared at each other, wrapped in each other’s arms. Patton couldn’t remember when he’d ever been in Logan’s arms like this. Never, was the answer. They were pressed so close to one another it was almost intimate. Romantic, even. He’d dreamt of this moment many times before, sure, but he never thought it would actually happen, though the circumstances could’ve been better. But now that it was happening, Patton couldn’t do anything; he was paralyzed in the moment, unable to believe that it was actually happening.

It took another second for Patton to realize something else: his face was very close to Logan’s. He was close enough to feel Logan’s breath puffing lightly against his mouth, tinged with the sharp bitterness of the iced coffee the logical Side had been sipping on all night. He could visually trace every line and angle of Logan’s facial structure, especially his jawline. Their noses were almost touching. And, most of all, he could see Logan’s eyes.

Though the Sides all looked like perfect carbon-copies of Thomas when they appeared on camera, in the Mindscape there were little differences in their appearances that allowed them to stand out in their own ways. For example, while they maintained Thomas’ brown eyes, the shade varied between each of them and their irises had flecks of their signature colour present. This meant that Patton could see shimmering lapis lazuli streaking through darkest black-brown: shooting stars falling through the deepest recesses of space down to Earth. In short, he found Logan’s eyes really pretty. And most of all, he saw the ‘something’ shine brighter in Logan’s gaze like the North Star. It looked very much like…could it be?

And their mouths were so close. So very, very close. If he wanted, Patton could get just a teeny bit closer…and he thought he could see Logan thinking the same thing–

But then, Logan leaned back, and he broke the embrace – and thus the moment – keeping Patton at arm’s length. A twinge jolted in Patton’s chest at that, but he said nothing, only continuing to stare at Logan blankly now.

Logan cleared his throat and awkwardly patted Patton’s upper arm with one hand before relinquishing his hold and stepping back. He was avoiding eye contact now, the flush in his cheeks deeper than it ever had been before.

“I-I’m glad to see that you’re alright, but do be careful next time, Patton. Good night.”

And with that blunt statement, Logan turned about face, marched quickly down the corridor and disappeared into his room with a firm shutting of his door, leaving a confused Patton gaping after him.

A few minutes later, Patton was back in his room, pacing in circles. He kept replaying the moment in his head: analyzing, reanalyzing and overanalyzing every little detail he could remember. The way Logan’s arms were wrapped around him almost protectively. How close their faces were and Logan didn’t so much as flinch back. When Patton started leaning forward, and Logan seemed to mirror him until he appeared to panic and fled. And the ‘something’…the elusive, unreadable ‘something’ that Patton couldn’t decipher, but he had a feeling he knew what it was now, and, for once, Patton believed that maybe, just maybe, there was something there after all. That Logan might actually feel the same way, and this had been his way of showing it: quiet, subtle, but there.

Patton thought back on the look on Logan’s face and how their mouths almost touched, and his face flushed. But he was smiling, too, and the warmth in his chest grew just a smidge.

So, Patton went to bed with – for once – a calm mind and an assured heart that night, and as he turned off the lights and snuggled into his blankets, he decided that, at some point, he would talk to Logan privately and alone, and confess to him, tell him how he felt about him, and hope that something good would come out of it.

*******

Patton trudged down the corridor, rubbing his face with his hand. It’d been a few days since the incident between him and Logan, and Patton hadn’t seen him since then, which meant that he hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to him. But Logan – along with Thomas and Roman – was busy with video editing, and so Patton had to wait. Which was fine, though, truth be told, Patton missed him. But he knew he was busy, they all were, and so Patton had been okay with not seeing him for a while. He could wait a little longer.

Though it was pretty late, he had felt a little peckish so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to get an almost-11pm snack (it wasn’t midnight, thus it couldn’t be a midnight snack). After making his way down the hallway as quietly as possible, Patton did the same thing walking down the stairs.

He was nearing the kitchen, still trying to decide what he wanted to munch on, when Patton heard voices. Listening carefully, Patton realized that it was Logan and Janus. He was surprised that they were talking at all, considering how things between Janus and Logan hadn’t exactly been peachy-keen, fine-and-dandy in the past. But Patton figured that maybe, just like him, Logan was trying to forge a better friendship with Janus to build a better understanding of one another and thus be able to help Thomas better. So, truthfully, Patton was rather relieved for them to be getting along quite well.

They seemed to be having a rather in-depth discussion – about what, Patton wasn’t sure; he hadn’t been listening too carefully – and Patton didn’t want to intrude, so he decided to forgo his snack and turned around to go back to his room.

But just as he did, he overheard Janus say:

“What do you consider as pros and cons of love, then, from a rational standpoint, Logan?”

Patton stilled, interest suddenly piqued. He looked back, uncertain of what to do. Usually – as the moral Side – he was against listening in on other people’s conversations without their knowledge, but…considering the topic, and the fact that he was also the center of Thomas’ emotions, he couldn’t help but be curious about what they had to say. Especially Logan. So, he decided, just this once, he’d eavesdrop just a little. He tiptoed closer until he was against the wall next to the archway into the kitchen and started listening in, making sure he was out of sight.

Janus and Logan went back and forth discussing the merits and downsides of love and affection, each giving their own take on the matter. Patton had a little trouble following them at times since they were both on equal footing in terms of having knowledge about intellectual subjects like philosophy, psychology and history, as well as possessing sophisticated levels of language and vocabulary. It was times like this when Patton felt rather stupid. Well, ‘stupid’ was a strong word. More so he wished he knew enough about these topics so he could have proper discussions on them with Logan because they were meaningful to the logical trait. Sometimes he wondered if the conversations he had with Logan weren’t stimulating enough but Logan was only engaging in them to be nice to Patton. Well, if that was the case, then at least he had Janus to talk to about stuff he liked, even if that made Patton a little sad.

Patton shook his head vigorously to make the bad thoughts go away and focused back on the debate. It seemed to be perfect timing because Janus had just asked Logan:

“So, what do you think of love, then? Do you think yourself capable of feeling such an ‘emotion’? Or are you above that?”

Patton held his breath, heart beating in anticipation of what Logan was going to say.

He heard Logan give an audible scoff. “I don’t, and I do not. Feel it, that is. I’m Logic. I don’t feel emotions. And even if I did – which I don’t – and I was capable of experiencing such a sentiment as ‘love’, I wouldn’t want to, nor ever will, with anyone. Love is messy and pointless, and nothing but trouble. It’s a complete waste of time and energy and robs all living beings, real and imaginary, of common sense. I’ve functioned well without it up until now and I don’t see it becoming a need or want in the future. And that’s the end of the discussion, Janus.”

Patton’s heart shattered in his chest; he felt like he was going to faint. He quickly sank out, having heard enough.

When he was back in his room, Patton collapsed to the floor and leaned against his bed, shaking uncontrollably. He didn’t even bother turning the light on. He felt like the world was ending, and a burning pain unlike anything he’d ever experienced was sitting sharp in his throat and chest. Staticky white noise crackled in his ears, and his hunger was replaced with stomach-churning nausea. Patton wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come; they’d solidified into a glassy sheen. And he was cold. Oh, so cold. Like he was turning to ice from the inside out.

In the end, it was what he’d feared all along: Logan didn’t feel the same way and never would, because he didn’t want to. He hated everything that Patton stood for, which meant he would never reciprocate Patton’s feelings. All the times they’d spent together: baking together, Logan talking to Patton about topics that interested him, saying nice things to him…they’d all been because Logan saw him as a friend, nothing more. His head was in line for a long session of telling his heart “I told you so.”

Patton sat in the dark in heartbroken pain for a long time; he wasn’t sure how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, hours, days even, for all he knew. At some point he vaguely registered someone walking past his door, pausing for a moment and then continuing on their way. Probably someone on their way to the bathroom or something. Patton didn’t care. Nothing mattered in the face of the devastation coursing through him.

Soon, Patton felt himself shivering more from cold than distress, and his head was getting foggy with fatigue, so he literally and figuratively shook his head, pulled himself up slowly and squared his jaw, face grim and eyes teary before he crawled into his lonely, empty bed.

And as he curled up into a ball around a hollow ache in his chest, Patton reminded himself of the same conclusion he’d been coming to for weeks: it didn’t mean anything. Nothing that Logan ever said or did to him had meant anything meaningful, and that was that.

No matter how much it hurt.

*******

Over the next few weeks, things in the Mindscape were as they’d always been, but with some marked differences. Patton didn’t completely avoid or ignore Logan, nor shut himself up in his room or abandon his duties, but he wasn’t as friendly or affectionate either. If Logan asked him a question or for his opinion on something, he’d answer politely and to the point, and when all the Sides were together, he’d make a comment every so often so as not to rouse too much suspicion, but in general he kept to himself and wasn’t the usual happy-pappy father figure figment.

Patton continued to keep the Mindscape in tip-top shape and oversee that the other Sides didn’t burn themselves out, but it was as though the light in his eyes had dimmed. In truth, he was breaking on the inside, but like he’d done before, even though he knew he shouldn’t, he was heavily repressing everything. But what else could he do? It was his most trusted defense mechanism, as unhealthy as it was, and it was easier to indulge in comfortable bad habits than actively pursue better outlets. Misery came easily to Patton, anyway; he was no stranger to it. And because he didn’t want to confront the problem, he was going to try and drag it out for as long as he could till the others took notice.

And he was correct; it wasn’t long before the other Light Sides were aware that something was off about their resident dad. But whenever they tried to broach the topic with Patton, he would skirt it and divert and do just about anything but talk about what was bothering him. They soon got the hint and decided to try and show support in smaller, less pushy ways.

Whenever Virgil hung out with Patton – usually by sitting together on the couch and doing their own thing like Patton watching TV or knitting and Virgil listening to music and scrolling through his phone – the anxious Side started acting more affectionate than he usually did by either leaning against Patton or laying along the couch with his head on Patton’s lap, hoping this provided Patton with some comfort to ease his sadness. Patton seemed to respond positively by leaning back against Virgil or stroking a hand through Virgil’s hair, which pleased Virgil a little, but the unhappy look in Patton’s eyes still lingered, and so Virgil still internally freaked out over Patton’s changed behaviour.

During Roman and Patton’s times spent together, the creative Side also began increasing the amount of physical touch he would usually share with Patton such as touching shoulders when sitting side by side at the coffee table while brainstorming on new video ideas, brief hand touches on Patton’s back when they were moving around each other while preparing meals, and even giving him longer hugs when saying goodnight before going to bed or goodbye before he left on excursions into the Imagination with promises to be safe and careful. And, just like with Virgil, Patton seemed receptive to Roman’s increased acts of affection, even giving tiny smiles which Roman considered a personal triumph, but Patton would then quickly revert back to his passive, lethargic state, and Roman would go back to continually wondering worriedly on what had his beloved Padre so down.

Logan was the only one not acting any different. He was still talking to Patton normally like asking him questions or how his day was going and otherwise interacting with him as usual. If there was any change at all, it was that he seemed to pick up on Patton’s low mood and distant behaviour and had, in turn, started giving him space and limiting physical touch like before. He would also gaze at Patton with an unreadable expression on his face, giving Patton the feeling more times than not like he was being X-rayed, but Patton would limit his eye contact with Logan for no more than a few seconds at a time when he was being addressed to and then break it. He had to; as the phrase rings true, the eyes were the windows into the soul, and Patton could never let Logan know what he was really feeling, being the emotional Side as he was. So, he avoided looking directly at Logan and kept his distance.

It was both relief and torture for Patton; because on one hand he was thankful that Logan was staying away because then it was easier for him to keep Logan at arm’s length and shove his crush down into the deep recesses of his heart, but on the other hand Patton missed the touches he’d grown used to in the weeks where he and Logan had been close to one another, and he missed the soft gaze and smile that Logan seemed to reserve for him and him alone. He missed it all so much his whole body would literally ache all over with the longing. But he gritted his teeth and inwardly scolded himself to get a grip; he’d heard Logan loud and clear on what he truly thought about love. His opinion on it was low and scornful, so it was for the best that Patton worked on getting rid of his crush, maintaining strict ‘friend status’ with Logan and moving forward without looking back.

But, gosh, did it hurt.

As a month of this passed, Patton grew more distant and miserable with each passing day, and everyone else worried both about and for him. But they kept mum on the subject while around Patton and continued about their business, while an unspoken hope built up between them all that soon the fatherly trait would open up about the source of his distress and they would be able to help him and things would hopefully go back to normal.

It came to a head one evening during one of their movie nights.

All four of them were, once again, in the common room and sitting in their usual places: Roman in his beanbag chair, Virgil on top of the couch on the end closest to Roman, and Patton and Logan sitting a ways from the emo trait on the other side of the couch and side by side. Though Patton – as he had been doing – left a decent amount of space between the two of them so they weren’t touching. If Logan noticed, he said nothing.

The movie started – Robin Hood, this time – but Patton barely paid attention as it went on. All he could think about was how close Logan was to him, and yet so far. During the scenes where Robin Hood and Maid Marian were together and being sweet and romantic with one another, Patton started reminiscing about all the times when he and Logan would be sitting close together on the couch, making body contact and just enjoying each other’s warmth and presence. His body ached even more, yearning for the physicality they used to have, but the reminder of the cold, hard truth he’d heard come from Logan’s lips that fateful night – which seemed like a lifetime ago now – pierced his heart. So, he sat there in keen sorrow, no longer watching the movie.

Patton was so distracted by his thoughts, he didn’t notice Logan look at him for a moment then slowly slide down the couch until they were almost touching. Then the logical Side pressed himself against Patton.

Patton froze like petrified wood, heat from the touch coursing through his body like wildfire. He turned to stare at Logan, shocked beyond comprehension.

Logan gave Patton a small, gentle smile, and then he reached out a hand and placed it on Patton’s knee.

The added touch now had Patton feeling like he was being electrocuted, and his head and heart couldn’t comprehend what was happening. What was Logan doing? WHY was he doing this?

Patton stood up so abruptly he knocked his legs into the coffee table, which in turn caused the drink glasses and snack bowls to get knocked over. The Sides jumped and stared in shock at Patton’s strange behaviour. Logan was looking especially perplexed at the moral Side’s reaction.

Patton started to shake, and he clenched his hands into fists and snapped his eyes shut. With a choked gasp, he quickly sank out from the common room.

The Sides stared at the spot where Patton had just been and then at each other, bewildered as to what had happened. The spilled contents of their drinks dripped over the edges of the coffee table and popcorn littered the carpet, the movie forgotten in the background.

*******

Patton rose up in his room, in distress and confusion. He took a few shaky breaths, then unexpectedly turned and kicked at his bedside table, stumbling and nearly falling backwards from the momentum. The burning feeling in his esophagus from the night he heard Logan’s confession had returned, and it was hurting more than ever now. He felt like he couldn’t breathe properly.

He raised his hands up to his neck and felt his cat hoodie, more constricting than comforting now. Patton paused for a moment, then – in a sudden fit – he viciously untied it from around his neck, crumpled it up into a ball and hurled it away from him, the reminder that it was the first gift Logan had ever given him a dagger in his chest.

His confusion was rising, as was his anger. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Was Logan playing with him? WHY would he say that he doesn’t believe in love and thinks it’s a waste of time and energy, and THEN suddenly act like the way he did during the movie? Like he did before when they were becoming better friends? When they were becoming closer?

Patton was shaking more than before, and he felt the strong urge to throw more things, or even break something. But he knew that that wouldn’t solve anything. He closed his eyes again and tried to follow the 4-7-8 breathing technique. But then he was reminded that it was Logan who had taught all of them that, and the pain in his heart struck again.

A distressed wail tore itself out of his throat, and Patton gripped his hair tightly with both hands, tears beginning to push behind his eyelids. He then decided to just go for slow, even breaths as best as he could, no counting, just doing. His breathing stuttered but he kept trying. He just wanted to calm down. He wanted to show the others that there was nothing wrong. That he was fine.

As he was doing all this, Patton didn’t hear the woosh that sounded off in his room, signaling that a Side had risen up in his space. He didn’t hear the slow, cautious footsteps approaching him as he stood in the middle of his room trying to get himself under control, and it wasn’t until he felt two gentle hands gripping his forearms that he reacted.

Patton’s eyes opened to see that it was Logan, looking at him with a genuinely worried look on his face. Patton froze for a second, then jumped back from him, wrenching himself out of Logan’s grip.

“What are you doing?” he hissed, glaring at Logan.

Logan blinked at him in confusion. “I…I’m trying to provide comfort,” he finally said. “I noticed you were in distress and I remembered that physical touch usually helps to ground you, so I was–“

Patton barked out a derisive laugh so unlike him that Logan immediately fell silent.

“Since when do you care enough about me to notice anything?” Patton snapped. He was trying to push everything down. He really was. At the back of his head, he knew lashing out at Logan without giving him context wasn’t fair. But his pain was reaching a breaking point, and his anger licked at his tongue.

Logan stared, mouth slightly open. He didn’t understand what was happening, why Patton was acting this way. He’d never seen the moral Side look so angry, and hurt, and…heartbroken.

“What do you mean, Patton? Of course, I care about you. Why else would I try–“

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU!”

A deathly silence filled the room, and the two Sides stared at each other in shock: Logan at what Patton had said, and Patton at what he’d said, what he’d confessed. His hands were covering his mouth and his eyes were wide with horror.

Logan took a step towards Patton, and Patton responded by taking several steps backwards until his back painfully hit a wall behind him. He dipped his head, avoiding eye contact, and dropped his shaky hands from his mouth to curl them into fists again by his sides. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be around Logan right now, be close to him right now, have him touch him right now.

Not when it didn’t mean anything.

Logan stayed where he was, not wanting to make Patton any more uncomfortable or upset than he already was. The logical Side was even more confused now, and worried, watching Patton grow more and more distraught. What happened? What could he do? What was Patton talking about?

“Patton, I – I don’t understa– I do love you –“

“No.”

Logan stopped. Even though Patton said only a single word, it seemed to carry all the pain and sorrow of the world, and it made Logan’s heart figuratively crack. He watched Patton dip his head further, pain etching the fatherly Side’s face and looking on the brink of emotional collapse.

Patton’s head was screaming at him to not say any more, that he’d say too much, that he’d said too much already, to stop. But his heart, knowing that he had nothing more to lose (and what was a little more pain, anyway), persisted, and, after swallowing hard – his throat raw from screaming at the top of his lungs moments before – he willed his mouth to say the words that in better circumstances would have sounded sweet and lovely, but now pricked his tongue like bitter barbs.

“I – I know that you do love and care about me…as a friend. But… I… I love you more than that. So, the fact that you don’t feel the same way makes it hurt so much I can’t stand it.”

There. He’d finally said it. And somehow he felt so much worse than he did before. Patton’s eyes finally relented and hot tears spilled down his cheeks onto the floor, his sobs locked up in his throat.

Patton wrapped his arms around himself to try to stop himself trembling (to no avail) and curled into himself a little. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he’d be able to disappear into himself. Away from here. Away from Logan.

As Patton wept silently, Logan still stood where he was, staring at Patton, in shock from the confession. He ran both hands through his hair before grabbing at and gripping his tie tight and twisting it in agitation, stopping short of strangling himself. He couldn’t stand to see Patton so broken and unhappy, but he still didn’t understand what brought all this on, and what did Patton mean by what he said?

“Patton…what…what do you mean, ‘I don’t feel the same way’?”

Patton doubled over further at the question, and felt like he could crumble at any moment. But Logan deserved an explanation. So, he opened his mouth to deliver his second confession, feeling as though the words were actually cutting his tongue.

“I overheard you and Janus talking in the kitchen. I – I know I shouldn’t’ve eavesdropped, but you were talking about love, and affection, th-things that represent who I am, and then…when Janus – Janus asked you wh-what you thought about love…you said – you – you said –“

His voice was breaking. As was his heart. Patton couldn’t go on. But he didn’t need to. Logan was smart. He had a good memory. He would be able to remember what he said that night.

So, there. Now Logan knew everything.

Patton let out a heartbroken wail and finally gave in to his tears. He turned his body sideways so he was leaning against the wall, leaning away from the sight of Logan, whom he didn’t want to see whatever look was on his face – Pity? Disgust? Derision? – and he leaned his head against the wall, sobbing his heart out. Patton was certain he was staining the wall with his tears, and he almost would be impressed that he wasn’t collapsed onto the floor – the wall supporting his weight fully – if he wasn’t wallowing so heavily in grief.

So consumed in his breakdown, Patton didn’t see the look that crossed Logan’s face through a myriad of emotions at his declaration: first confusion, then realization, then horror, then guilt wrapped up in a hot pocket of shame, and, lastly, dismay upon finally knowing why Patton was falling apart, his behaviour over the last few weeks suddenly making sense.

A few long moments passed in silence, with only Patton’s staccato sobs punctuating the air with his sadness, and Logan looked at the moral Side with wide eyes, a partially open mouth, and his heart sitting stone-heavy in his chest.

Then, slowly, Logan approached Patton, who was still leaning against the wall and sounding like he was choking on his tears, sharply sucking in air as though his lungs were literally starving for oxygen.

Once he was close enough, Logan let go of his tie – now resembling a crushed black-and-blue churro – and slowly reached out his hands and placed them on Patton’s upper arms. Patton gasped at the touch and tried to pull away, but Logan tightened his grip and pulled Patton towards him. He carefully folded the emotional trait against himself before wrapping his arms around Patton in a hug.

Patton froze, shocked by the gesture. Before all of this, even though Patton always gave Logan one of his famous Patton-ted bear hugs, Logan had only recently reached the phase of reciprocating by patting Patton’s back as he kept one hand on him when before he didn’t even so much as want an arm around his shoulders. Logan had never, ever given a proper, two-armed hug, to anyone. Until now.

Patton wanted to pull away again, but the crying had sapped a good amount of his energy, and his slight touch starvation magnetized him to Logan’s body, to the warmth he’d missed so much and for so long. So, he didn’t pull away, but he didn’t reciprocate either. Patton just stood listlessly in Logan’s embrace, his arms by his sides, sniffling into Logan’s shoulder. He knew still that Logan was only doing this to be a good friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Logan adjusted his position slightly so that Patton fit better in his arms and tightened his hold on the dad figment a smidge, hoping his rare display of affection was conveying all the comfort and care that he could possibly muster to the heartbroken loving Side.

“Patton…I’m so sorry.” Logan’s voice was low and soft, and his usually measured tone was tinged with something emotional, though Patton wasn’t mentally present to pay attention to what it was.

Patton hiccupped on a sob, his tears showing no signs of relenting any time soon. “What are you sorry for?” he croaked out. “I’m the one who’s sorry for eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn’t my business to butt into, and for being an idiot by developing a crush on you that would never be recipro–“

Patton didn’t get to finish his sentence, because as he was talking, Logan turned his own face a bit and placed a chaste kiss on Patton’s cheek.

Patton was so shocked he instantly stopped crying. He pulled back a tiny bit to gape at Logan, his whole system shutting down like a laptop with a dead battery. He blinked owlishly at the rational figment, leftover stray tears dribbling down the sides of his face from the action. He tried to say something, but his voice seemed to have disappeared on him.

That was when Patton really looked at Logan properly, and he saw the look on Logan’s face. It was one that was a mixture of guilt, remorse and sadness, but Patton also noticed that the little ‘something’ was back, lurking in the background of Logan’s eyes.

As they looked at each other, Logan raised a hand to cradle the side of Patton’s face, and Patton let out the tiniest of squeaks. Logan did nothing else for a moment, allowing Patton’s cheek to warm up his hand as it continued to cup Patton’s face. Then he started moving his thumb up and down Patton’s cheek in a move that was almost achingly tender and loving, smearing half-dried tear tracks.

Still staring at him in shock, Patton’s own hand subconsciously lifted up towards Logan’s. His fingertips barely brushed against the back of Logan’s hand, a feather-light touch, but Patton saw the ‘something’ flash more conspicuously in Logan’s eyes, and for a second Patton thought he knew what it was, but his reticence and uncertainty stopped him from looking further into it, and before he knew it, it had receded back into the background just as fast.

On his own end, Logan saw the light in Patton’s eyes – the one he’d seen burn bright when they’d spent time together, and that had snuffed almost out of existence during their separation – flicker brighter for a second before dimming down again quickly.

Logan gave Patton a small sad smile and shook his head slightly.

“You’re not an idiot, Patton,” he murmured quietly. “Far from it, actually.”

Patton still didn’t say anything. He could only stare as his hand started to carefully rest on top of Logan’s; not enough to provide weight, but enough that the amount of skin contact was significant. He watched as Logan’s smile faded and he broke eye contact to look downwards, a tiny sigh escaping through his nose.

“If anything, I am the idiot in this scenario,” he muttered, almost as if in shame and guilt.

Patton blinked in confusion. “What…what do you mean?” he asked, voice still strained from crying.

Logan removed his hand from Patton’s face then and pulled back, breaking the hug. Patton almost let out a whine from the loss of warmth but it stayed locked up in his throat. But it wasn’t for very long because Logan then took both of Patton’s hands in his and started pulling him towards Patton’s bed, all with a gentleness that made Patton want to start crying all over again. They both sat down on the edge and looked at each other, still holding hands and knees brushing against each other.

Both were silent: Patton because he was still processing what was happening and wondering what Logan was doing, and Logan because he was choosing his words carefully, because he had things that he needed to say.

It took awhile for Logan to say anything; whenever he opened his mouth, he would close it again shortly after, and the pattern continued a few more times. He was unusually agitated, not his typical calm and composed self, and he periodically squeezed Patton’s hands, though whether because he was trying to lend comfort to Patton or if it was a way to ground himself, Patton wasn’t sure. Admittedly, he wasn’t sure about a lot of things at the moment.

Finally, Logan took a slow, deep breath, and then said in an almost-normal voice: “There’s something I need to tell you, Patton, and it’s not a miniscule amount, but it needs to be said. Because it’s come to my attention that I’ve wrought immeasurable pain upon you, hereby damaging our relationship, and I need to make things right. So, all I ask of you, for now, is for you to listen to what I have to say and not say anything until I’m finished. Will you do that, for me?”

All Patton could do was wordlessly nod, watching and waiting, but (mostly) ready for what Logan had to say.

Logan nodded in return, and his grip on Patton’s hands tightened. Patton squeezed back, hoping it would help steady Logan, seeing vexation saturate his posture.

Logan took one more cleansing breath, then he locked eyes with Patton and, without looking away, stated stiltedly, hesitantly, almost fearfully even: “The fact of the matter is, Patton…is that I, Logan…h-hold romantic sentiments for you.”

Patton’s jaw dropped. Logan…liked him? As well? But…how? When? Did he not say anything because he’d been scared of being rejected? Why was he telling Patton this now? Patton’s head was a buzzing beehive of questions, but he didn’t have time to wonder over this new revelation because Logan was looking at him expectantly (and a little nervously), and Patton remembered his promise to let Logan talk until he’d said all that he wanted to say. So, he closed his mouth and motioned his head jerkily towards Logan to indicate for him to continue.

Logan nodded in thanks, then swallowed and cleared his throat so he could keep talking. “I suppose I should start from the beginning. It began some time after the aftermath of the wedding…”

*******

Logan couldn’t recall when it began, nor could he pinpoint the exact moment when it hit him. It had been that gradual. But he knew indubitably what had been the catalyst.

After the wedding/callback debacle, the path to reconciliation had been slow, and when it eventually happened an obscene but necessary amount of talking took place, with shout matches, blame games and crying fits interspersed throughout. But, finally, all the Sides resolved their issues stemming from that conflict and were, more or less, on good terms again. There was shared agreement that they didn’t want anything like what had happened to happen again, and Logan had retired to his room to sit down at his desk and ruminate about what the next step was.

In order to make sure that this recent conflict would not repeat itself in the future, he needed to come up with a fool-proof prevention plan. And Logan was good at making plans; he’d curated schedules for both Thomas and the others for years – even though they weren’t always followed – and plans were important because they provided a foundation in which to help set objectives and achieve goals. He determined that poor communication and failure to understand others’ perspectives was part of what had derailed the conversation between Thomas, Patton and Roman, which ended up having a ripple effect over everyone else, himself included. So, Logan decided that the goal to ensure the decreased likelihood of another catastrophe such as what had transpired was to improve his relations with his fellow Sides by getting to know them better.

He went over each of his relationships with the other Light Sides in his head. Despite a rocky start, he was probably on the best terms with Virgil because of their left-brain tendencies so there was likely little strife to smooth over there. Roman…although they often clashed with one another, the creative and logical Sides did share a few commonalities, thus establishing some level of respect between them. In fact, Roman surprised Logan by coming to him one night and apologizing for the way he’d blown off Logan during the video, and Logan – after re-watching the video and coming to a better understanding of what Roman struggled with – had forgiven him, eliciting a promise from the prince to try to refrain from engaging in that type of behaviour again, while assuring Roman that Thomas still, indeed, loved and needed him and that, as Creativity, he was still an invaluable and inimitable member of their family.

That left Patton, whom Logan had always had the most strenuous relationship with for most of Thomas’ existence. It wasn’t that he hated the emotional trait; no, far from it. It was just that they were so different from each other, complete opposites in everything from their personalities to their opinions on various subjects. (He was ready and willing to debate Patton till the day Thomas died that pineapple did not belong on pizza.) That’s just how it was: the mind versus the heart.

But Logan, after giving it thorough thought, came to the understanding that, for Thomas to have an easier time navigating through life, a more harmonious union between the Sides would be optimal. So, considering their relationship, and seeing how Patton had been after the fallout, Logan decided to try and strengthen his ties to Patton by being a better friend.

Before he did anything, Logan first observed the father figure facet to see what made him ‘tick’. He wrote down a list of Patton’s likes and dislikes and then sat down and did research on the moral Side’s favourite interests so that he would have at least a basic working knowledge on them before conversing with Patton. Then, remembering a time when Thomas had stayed up late reading up on something called ‘love languages’, Logan had gone to the ‘Miscellaneous Subjects’ section of his own personal library to look up said topic, and he’d come to the conclusion that Patton’s primary love language was definitely quality time, so his last step was to pay attention to what Patton did during the week, and then made a mental note to make an effort to spend time with Patton during his recreational activities.

When he felt that he was sufficiently prepared, Logan initiated his plan.

He started out small by trying to be less condescending and dismissive like he used to be before, and he did this by making an effort to smile and laugh at Patton’s dad jokes and puns and asking him about topics he liked. He also made sure to intersperse a thoughtful compliment here and there whenever Patton showcased a strength of his; he’d taken note that Patton tended to downplay his accomplishments or even downright talk himself down, something that pricked Logan’s chest unpleasantly so he’d figured a few words of affirmation here and there would help slowly boost the moral Side’s morale and confidence. Then he moved on to involving Patton more in important tasks like looking over script drafts and listening to and considering his input, and finally he began initiating regular one-on-one quality time with the dad trait by doing activities like cooking and baking or even just sitting quietly together in the common room and chatting.

To his surprise, Logan found that he actually rather enjoyed Patton’s company and conversation; the moral Side proved to be rather adept at keeping discourse flowing smoothly, and he provided a different view on a lot of things that Logan himself wouldn’t have known to think about until he did. Logan was also surprised at how well they worked together; whether it was discussing one of Thomas’ dilemmas or preparing a meal, Patton and Logan bounced off each other almost without fault, and Logan didn’t know why he never thought to reach out to Patton before.

As time went on and they grew closer, Logan felt himself growing fonder of Patton and his ways. He was always learning something new about the moral Side every day, and he realized how invaluable Patton was to not only Thomas but also their little famILY, and how well he took care of everyone and the Mindscape. Logan saw how Patton genuinely tried to see the best in everyone, even those whom he wasn’t on good terms with; how, despite feeling immeasurable guilt when he messed up, he tried to forgive himself and move on, trusting on the lessons he learned along the way, always promising to be and do better, and always for Thomas; how he wanted nothing but happiness and safety for everyone he loved and was willing to do just about anything to ensure that. Patton was more than just morality; he was the metaphorical glue that kept them all together. And Logan didn’t realize how much gratitude and respect he felt for Patton until then. Even though Patton’s puns and persistently positive persona still got on his nerves sometimes, Logan found himself seeking out the moral Side’s presence more and more, as well as incorporating small displays of affection such as shoulder touches, hand brushes and even just sitting close to each other during movie night when before he’d loathed to even think about, let alone do. It surprised him how easy it was to do so, and that he actually didn’t mind it.

Then the night when Logan stopped Patton from falling down the stairs and they ended up in that compromising position, Logan, feeling stunned, had looked down at Patton and felt his breath come to a halt in his lungs. With Patton staring back up at him, Logan noticed little details he’d never paid attention to before: how Patton’s hair was wavier than his own sensibly-styled strands; that there was a small smattering of freckles across Patton’s nose that reminded Logan of the Pleiades cluster, one of his favourite constellations; how Patton’s breath was scented with the mellowest hint of vanilla and cinnamon from the Snickerdoodles he’d been munching on during the movie night; and, most of all, there was a light in his eyes – warm chocolate dotted with sparkling aquamarine: baby blue sugar crystals floating in cocoa frosting – a light that Logan had seen when they were alone together, when he said something that made Patton joyful or excited, when they were in physical contact with one another, like now as they stood in each other’s arms with their faces dangerously close to each other. A light that shone bright whenever Patton watched a heartfelt love scene or felt Thomas’ own yearning towards someone, and was now burning like a fireplace in late fall as Patton gazed into Logan’s eyes.

And Logan had felt a surge then that he’d never felt before and almost gave in to, as he found himself leaning closer towards Patton’s face (and couldn’t help but notice Patton doing the same thing). And he’d wanted to. He’d really wanted to. But it was something that he was not familiar with, and…truthfully…it freaked him out. So, he’d backed out of it and played it off as nonchalantly as he could hope, but inwardly he’d been shaken.

When he returned to his room, Logan was unable to concentrate on his work. He paced around his room and replayed the moment over and over in his head: analyzing, reanalyzing and overanalyzing not only his actions, but Patton’s as well. Every little detail. Wondering if…what if–

But it couldn’t be. Patton couldn’t possibly feel that way for him…could he? If the way he’d been responding to Logan’s actions and affections was any indication, it was possible. But would he want someone like Logan? Logan was logic. Reason, facts and knowledge. He didn’t do emotions. Especially not with something like love. So what if he wanted to spend more of his waking hours with Patton than doing his own work now? So what if he felt happy and listened to when in the moral Side’s company and felt his absence keenly when they retired for the night? So what if all he wanted to do was to keep making Patton smile and laugh so he could watch his face light up like the rising sun and see that soft, loving look that he seemed to reserve for Logan and only Logan–

Logan stopped dead in his tracks, the realization hitting him like a freight train traveling at astronomical speeds.

He loved Patton. He was in love with Patton.

And that thought scared him out of his wits. Not only of the fact, but also of the possibility that if Patton ever knew how Logan really felt about him, he wouldn’t feel the same way. Especially not after the way Logan had treated Patton in the past, with how he’d ridiculed the moral Side’s lighthearted jokes and puns and thought him childish, incompetent and irrelevant simply because he was emotions. Knowing better now made Logan’s chest twinge from guilt and shame.

The logical Side was caught in an internal battle then, between his head listing out the ways in which Logan had worked to better his treatment of Patton, how well they were getting along these days and how Patton had not refused any of the little acts of kindness Logan had shown him so it wasn’t unreasonable to think that a relationship between them was possible, and his heart just screaming bloody murder at full volume because he’d never known this feeling before and it was unfamiliar and disorientating and scary and…Logan had absolutely no idea what to do.

He went to bed that night with an overactive mind and an uncertain heart.

The next few days after the incident between Patton and him were a very busy time then for Thomas and the Sides – with him, Roman and Virgil working overtime – so Logan didn’t have any free time to dwell on Patton and what had happened, which he was grateful for since ruminating on the issue sent his system into overdrive. He did miss his presence a bit, though, since very little socializing took place during crunch-time for videos.

Toward the end of that crazy period, when he finally finished all the work he’d been doing, Logan decided to go to the kitchen to fix himself some toast with Crofter’s as a reward, despite the late hour. He’d run into Janus then, who’d come into the kitchen to fix himself some chamomile tea to help him relax. Though Logan and Janus were still on rather precarious footing, they were able to be civil with one another and even indulged in proper debates from time to time, so they greeted each other cordially and made chit-chat as they fixed their various snacks and then sat at the kitchen table to consume them and continue talking.

In the middle of their conversation, Janus brought up the ill-fated subject Logan had been avoiding. The snake-like Side had noticed Logan and Patton’s interactions over the last few weeks and was genuinely interested in knowing more, with a heaping helping of teasing added in for good measure. Feeling uncomfortable, Logan skirted the topic, and Janus smoothly turned the conversation into a debate then, focusing on the benefits and drawbacks of love, affection and relationships. The debate didn’t get too heated, fortunately, but Logan’s discomfort grew as the various examples Janus provided reminded him of Patton, and it was clear that Janus was grilling Logan about his infatuation with the moral Side.

When Janus posed the question of what he, Logan, personally thought and believed of love and if he was capable of it, for a brief moment Logan – irritated at the perceived interrogation – reverted back to his old ways out of defense and coldly proclaimed that, as the logical Side, he had no use for emotions, that love was more trouble than it was worth, and he didn’t feel anything as ‘icky’ as affection anyway, nor would he ever feel something as such for anyone.

The second Logan said all that, he immediately felt guilty and regretful, knowing it was all a big, bald-faced falsehood. Because none of it was true. Not anymore. And judging by the look on Janus’ face, he knew it, too.

(Being the Side of deception, Janus was always able to tell when anyone was lying, and Logan’s lie just then tasted like the Crofter’s on Logan’s toast had gone bitter and moldy.)

That was the moment – unbeknownst to them at the time – when Patton had stopped listening to what they were saying and fled to his room, not hearing the rest of the conversation-turned-debate-turned-grilling-then-turned-back-to-conversation.

After trying to out-stare Janus, who didn’t say a single word, Logan gave up. He heaved a heavy sigh and admitted that he hadn’t meant any of what he’d said. That he did love Patton. And that…he was scared. He was really scared of messing things up if he confessed. That he would only hurt Patton again…like he used to…or more. His pin-straight posture slumped just the slightest, and Logan looked down at the surface of the kitchen table, stewing in his romantic quandary.

As he did, Janus looked at Logan, a sympathetic expression on his scaled face at the logical Side’s confession and rare display of vulnerability. There had been nothing but truth in those words now: pure mountain spring water cascading over his forked tongue. Even though Janus wasn’t good friends with Logan, he could appreciate and admire when someone was open about something they feared or were insecure about, especially considering that Logan was notorious for seeming untouchable and impervious to all things outside his realm of understanding and would never admit anything that resembled or represented weakness to him.

Logan’s look of fear and uncertainty strongly reminded Janus of the day when he revealed his name to Thomas. It hadn’t been something that he’d planned to do, but, upon realizing that Thomas was taking a leap of faith to trust him, impulsively decided to extend an olive branch back (but also to pettily put the prince in his place for questioning Janus’ intentions) by giving Thomas something that he’d held close to his chest for years, something of great importance, no matter how much it scared him. In the end, the spontaneous act paid off, giving Janus what he’d always wanted: acceptance by Thomas and a seat at the table, but it unwittingly left a field of destruction in his wake.

Janus winced inwardly; April 13th would forever remain a day of infamy for all of the Sides, even him, and though things had gone back to normal (and become even better in some cases), the deceitful Side still couldn’t help feeling flashes of guilt whenever the memory of that day floated into his mind.

Coming back to the present, Janus observed Logan with a thoughtful slit eye, who was leaning on the kitchen table with his arms crossed, head bowed slightly and face twisted in internal conflict, eyes staring into the wood as if hoping that it held all the answers he was looking for, almost-finished toast forgotten on the side.

Then, slowly, Janus took off the glove on his right hand and reached out and tentatively placed it on one of Logan’s forearms.

Logan looked up at Janus, blinking in surprise at the physical gesture.

Janus gave him a small half-smile and squeezed his arm briefly, saying – while looking straight (hah) into his eyes – that he firmly believed that Logan had changed for the better, that he knew what to do, and that everything would be all right.

Remembering what Janus had done on ‘that’ day and the significance, Logan knew Janus was telling the truth, and he gave the Side of self-preservation a genuine smile before thanking him.

With that, the two Sides decided to retire for the night. Logan offered to wash out Janus’ cup which Janus accepted with gratitude, and, after bidding goodnight (and offering one last word of reassurance, plus a dash of sarcasm for good measure), sank out of the kitchen.

Logan finished the rest of his toast in two bites and went to rinse the plate and cup before placing them in the dishwasher while still chewing. Then he turned the lights off in the kitchen and left for his bedroom the old-fashioned way, thinking over what Janus had said to him.

As he passed by Patton’s door, Logan stopped briefly and looked at it, almost as if he could see through it, a soft expression coming over his face. He thought about sticking his head in to say something to Patton, or even just saying goodnight, but he noticed the lights were off so it was likely that Patton was asleep already, so he decided to leave him be. He gave the door one last fond look before he finally went to his room.

By the time Logan closed his bedroom door and locked it with a wave of his hand, he’d made the decision that, at some point, he would talk to Patton privately and alone, and confess to him, tell him how he felt about him, and hope that something good would come out of it.

But shortly after that, Logan noticed Patton’s low mood and distance. He thought that maybe the busy week had tired and stressed everyone out, including Patton, which was why he was acting the way that he was. Feeling worried, he’d wanted to reach out to him, but Logan had learned from experience that pushing Patton into talking when he wasn’t ready would cause him to retreat even further into himself, so he decided to give the moral Side some space and let him talk about what was bothering him on his own time. But Logan still couldn’t help himself from gazing at Patton every so often, and feeling a tiny bit of envy when Virgil and Roman showed affection toward Patton as a sign of unspoken support and Patton responded positively but when he tried to do the same Patton would either move away from him or not react.

Logan couldn’t understand it; what had happened? Why was Patton avoiding him? Why had he rescinded physical touch with Logan while allowing the others to still do so? Did he do something wrong? The lack of answers and Patton’s growing distance and distress was driving Logan mad, and he hoped that a swift resolution was on the horizon.

Which brought them to tonight: the famILY movie night. Patton, still acting aloof and stiff, had maintained his distance from the logical Side even as they sat in their usual movie-viewing places on the couch. If Logan was being honest with himself, he was feeling a little bereft of the physical contact they used to have before. But he didn’t do anything so to respect Patton’s wishes and tried to focus on the movie, with little success. He paid more attention to the moral Side instead.

Logan noticed that Patton seemed to grow even more unhappy as the movie progressed, and his own worry grew, along with his dismay at seeing the usually happy Side so down, seeing how the light that was usually in his eyes was dim and almost snuffed out and wanting desperately to do something.

So, Logan decided to forgo his plan of giving Patton space and moved in to provide physical comfort, thinking it would help and that maybe Patton would react favourably. At first, he thought he’d done the right thing, but then Patton had jumped up and fled to his room, leaving Logan, Roman and Virgil aghast and confused as to what had happened.

Logan volunteered to go after Patton and sank out, leaving Roman and Virgil to clean up the drink and snack spills and putting movie night on hold. He arrived in Patton’s room to find Patton in an acute state of distress. Logan’s heart twinged when he noticed that Patton had thrown his cat hoodie off of his shoulders onto the floor, the first ever gift he’d given to Patton in their metaphysical lives, he realized. He tried to approach the dad trait in order to comfort and calm him down, only for Patton to push him away and scream that he loved Logan but was heartbroken by the fact that Logan didn’t feel the same way for him because of what he’d said to Janus in the kitchen a few nights ago before breaking down.

Logan then came to the horrible realization that Patton had come to the kitchen that night, overheard him and Janus talking and listened till the point when Logan said all the false claims about love that he ‘believed in’ to Janus, hereby breaking his figurative heart and leaving without hearing the rest of Logan’s confession. Logan felt as though he’d been physically struck, the horror and distress of his verbal misstep crashing over him in a bruising tidal wave. His own heart felt like it had shattered, too, but not for the same reason as Patton.

Because, despite his hopes and attempts, his worst fears had come true.

Logan had managed to hurt Patton.

Again.

Badly.

Unwittingly, but still.

*******

At the end of Logan’s story, Patton was still as a statue, stunned by what he’d been told. His mouth was slightly ajar, eyes wide with bewilderment. But they were worried as well, because now that Logan had finished, he didn’t look like he’d had a weight lifted off of him after confessing. In fact, he looked more defeated, exhausted, sad even.

Logan, shoulders slumped, took a deep shaky breath and looked down at his and Patton’s hands, still laced together. “This is what I was afraid of,” he murmured quietly, voice low and mournful. “Why I hesitated to fully act on my feelings. Because after everything we’ve gone through, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you again. But I have. Tonight was the result of that. In the end, despite all my best efforts, I haven’t really changed. I’m still the same callous, cold Logic that I’ve been for so long.”

Logan’s eyes started brimming with tears, and he turned his head away to try to blink them away, but a few still managed to trickle down the sides of his face. He brought up a trembling hand to wipe them away and stifled a sob. He suspected that Patton’s room was starting to affect him, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t afford to not care, not when Patton deserved to hear what needed to be said. He owed him so much; it was the least he could do.

His voice shaking slightly, and looking away from the Side of his affections, Logan continued: “What I’ve said and done is proof that I do not deserve you, or vice versa. With as wonderful and kind as you are, you deserve someone just as good, if not better. Not someone like me. Because no matter how much I love you, love you so much it hurts, in both a good and bad way which I never thought possible, no matter how happy I feel whenever I’m even just simply around you and how you make me better, want to be better, I’ll always fall back into my old ways. I’ll never get better, be better. I’ll always continue to hurt you. I–“

At that point, Logan’s hands – that were back to being clasped in Patton’s - were squeezed so hard it almost hurt. Logan immediately broke off talking and he turned his head and looked back up at Patton in surprise.

Patton was looking at him with an expression of such genuine compassion and tenderness, it almost made Logan want to start crying in earnest. Then Patton pulled Logan forward and threw his arms around Logan’s shoulders, hugging him tight.

Logan froze for a second in surprise before returning the hug and holding on just as tight. The two opposite Sides held onto each other as if they would never let go of one another.

Then Patton, in a watery, wobbly voice, whispered: “Did you mean it? Everything you said? You…you really love me?”

Logan nodded into Patton’s shoulder, his eyelids fluttering and more tears trickling down his cheeks, and tightened his hold on Patton. “With every figurative fiber of my being,” he breathed.

Patton started weeping silently again, but the tears were no longer of pain and despair; now they were of unbridled joy and relief. He never could have believed or hoped that he would be right, that Logan did love him.

Patton tucked his head into the crook of Logan’s neck, burying himself in Logan’s aura of steadiness and security. Logan pressed his head against the side of Patton’s head. For a moment they stayed nestled in their positions, just basking in their closeness and drinking in the warmth from each other’s bodies.

Then, just like before, Logan lifted up a hand to cradle Patton’s cheek, and angled his head slightly to press a kiss to Patton’s temple this time.

Patton stayed still to let the kiss wash over him, then he turned his own head and pressed a kiss of his own to Logan’s cheek.

They locked eyes with each other then. Logan’s eyes were slightly red and still watery, but there was a loving tenderness in them that Patton now realized was the ‘something’ he saw all those times before when they were together. It was the same look he always gave Logan whenever he would look at him from afar during his pining periods, and he hoped he would continue to see it from now on. Patton’s eyes were redder and waterier, but Logan saw that the light had returned in the emotional figment’s gaze, and it was fluorescing brighter than ever, and he resolved to make sure that it would never go out again going forward.

The two Sides found themselves slowly laying down on Patton’s bed, shifting themselves so that their heads were resting comfortably on Patton’s pillows and they were facing each other. Patton curled up against Logan’s chest, listening to Logan’s steady heartbeat and fingers slightly clutching at Logan’s shirt. He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh, his spirit finally calm after the storm. Logan rested his head on top of Patton’s and wrapped his arms protectively around him. His right hand started rubbing slow, comforting strokes in an up-and-down motion on Patton’s back, and he closed his own eyes and listened to Patton’s slow breathing.

“I still feel like this is all a dream,” Patton mumbled after a few minutes of sweet, peaceful quiet.

Logan opened his eyes and looked down at Patton. “What makes you say that?”

“Just…” Patton opened his own eyes and stared at Logan’s brain insignia, lightly tracing its outline with a finger. “How we’re in my room cuddling on my bed. Being close with each other. That you…actually like me back.”

Logan’s face softened, and he ceased rubbing Patton’s back to place his hand on top on Patton’s hand playing with his insignia. “I understand if you still have reservations about the validity of this moment, but I hope I can assure you that this is all unequivocally real and genuine. Especially when it comes to my feelings towards you.”

Patton felt a rush of warmth at that, and he shifted his hand so that his fingers were laced with Logan’s and gave a squeeze. Logan squeezed back.

They were both silent for a moment before Patton piped up again: “So…what happens now?”

Logan cocked his head. “In terms of what?”

Patton looked up at Logan, shyly biting his lip. “Like…with you and me, you know –“ He trailed off, unsure of how to broach the topic, instead settling for gesturing with his other hand haphazardly between him and Logan.

Luckily, Logan seemed to understand what he was trying to talk about. “Ah. You mean in regards to our mutual attraction for each other?”

Patton nodded, a soft blush blooming in his cheeks; hearing Logan talk about their respective crushes like that was making it more real, and Patton didn’t know how to handle that.

Logan thought for a moment, putting on what Patton lovingly (but privately) called Logan’s ‘thinking face’, which he always found adorable: furrowed brows, a far-off look in his eyes and scrunching up his mouth ever so slightly as he carefully pondered what to say. “Well…now that it’s been established and recognized that we are both romantically interested in one another, the next logical step – or, at least, what usually tends to happen in these situations from what I’ve read – is for both parties to initiate romantic relations. So long as both of them are in agreement.”

Patton giggled at Logan’s long-winded explanation – yet another thing he loved about him – and fixed the logical Side with a flirtatious side-eye. “Is this your way of asking me to be your boyfriend?” he teased.

Logan’s eyes went wide, flushing deeper than Patton. “I – well – you – what I meant was – I – “

Patton laughed and reached up to press his fingers against Logan’s mouth to stop his rambling. Logan fell silent immediately, blinking at Patton, eyes occasionally flickering between him and the hand on his mouth.

“Take your time,” Patton said softly.

Logan nodded and Patton removed his hand then. Logan nibbled on his lip momentarily before taking a breath.

“Patton,– “ he began, a little stiltedly but pushing through, “– w-would you be amenable to entering a – a romantic relationship with me?”

Patton beamed like the rising sun. “I’ve been wanting to for so long.”

A huge smile spread on Logan’s face then, and he pulled Patton into another tight hug, Patton hugging him back, both feeling happier and lighter than they had in awhile. Patton thought he would actually combust from the warmth in his chest searing through him, and, honestly, he would be fine with that.

But then a thought came to him, and he froze.

“Patton?” Logan commented, feeling his other half stiffen in his arms.

Patton pulled back slightly to look at Logan, a strange look on his face. “What does this mean for Thomas? You and me, you know…”

Logan blinked at him before the implication of that statement hit him, a soft ‘Oh’ slipping out of his mouth. He fell back into his ‘thinking face’, thinking over Patton’s inquiry. Patton waited, a small knot of apprehension twisting in his stomach.

“Huh…I didn’t think about what it would mean for Thomas if two Sides were in a relationship. How interesting…” Logan murmured.

“What do you mean?” asked Patton.

Logan reached up to brush away some of Patton’s waves that had fallen over his forehead. “Well…it’s a known fact that in order for Thomas to function optimally, we Sides need to cooperate both professionally and personally, and oftentimes when Thomas has a dilemma, it takes a while for it to get resolved because we all end up disagreeing about what needs to be done, resulting in strife not only between us but for Thomas as well. With the two of us ‘together’ now, this might actually be an improvement.” At Patton’s puzzled expression, Logan continued: “You and I being in a relationship may be beneficial for Thomas in the long run. Considering how we…used to quarrel quite often before, and caused a fair number of metaphorical headaches for Thomas, as we learn to coexist in a more harmonious manner, we might be able to better help Thomas through future trials in his everyday life.”

Patton thought over Logan’s words. Logan had a point. Being polar opposites, he and Logan would often clash more often than was necessary, which he always felt bad about since he didn’t like how Thomas got affected by their arguments. Now that they were a couple, things could actually improve for Thomas.

Then another thought came into his head, and Patton’s brow furrowed again. “But…it’s not always gonna be perfect,” he said quietly. “I’m sure we’re still gonna disagree sometimes, even if we get better about listening to each other.”

Logan hummed at that. “True…there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship, and we’re still fundamentally different from one another so there’s bound to be friction in what we think is best for Thomas, but I believe that, with proper communication and effort, we’ll be able to get through any disagreement we run into with little discord. I’m willing to work on it, if you are.”

Patton looked up at Logan for a moment before giving him a bright-eyed smile. “I am.”

Logan smiled back down at Patton, a rare soft look in his eyes. Then they settled back into cuddling – Logan rubbing Patton’s back and Patton resting against Logan’s chest.

For a while, they allowed themselves to enjoy the tranquility of the present moment: soft and lovely, as the representations of heart and mind finally found harmony.

But then Patton sat up slightly, leaning back so he could fully look into Logan’s face but not relinquishing his hold on the scholarly Side, an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face. Logan was a bit surprised at the change of mood and behaviour in the paternal Side, but he stayed quiet, anticipating that Patton was going to say something.

Patton took a deep breath. “Okay…you had your turn to talk earlier. Now, it’s my turn, and I want you to listen very carefully. Okay, sweetie?”

Logan’s heart skipped a beat at the term of endearment, and he nodded slowly, though he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of apprehension as to what Patton was going to say. He braced himself mentally (and emotionally) as best he could.

For a moment Patton didn’t say anything, only continued to look at Logan, and Logan’s apprehension grew.

But then Patton’s face softened into a look of pure gentleness and kindness that figuratively took Logan’s breath away, and he placed a hand on Logan’s cheek, smiling as Logan leaned into the touch, and he started stroking his cheek with his thumb, echoing the action Logan had done to him earlier.

“You mentioned earlier that you believe yourself to be cold and insensitive, nothing but logic and facts. That all you do is hurt me and thus don’t deserve to be with me. Well, I’m here to tell you that that is complete horse doody. You deserve happiness and love just as much as anyone else, real or otherwise. And you’re more than just ‘Logic’. You’re Logan. Our Logan. My Logan. My Logan who, despite always denying that he ‘doesn’t have emotions’, willingly poured his heart out to me – metaphorically – so he could tell me that he loved me and why. Who was emotionally honest and open about his fears and hopes even though it doesn’t come easy to him. My Logan who genuinely cares about all of us even when he pretends otherwise, and who, during these past few weeks, spent time with me and talked to me and did things for me because he wanted to be better, to do better. And you accomplished it. With as wonderful and kind as you have been, and are, I think it’s safe to say that you’re doing a great job.”

“And, sure, you have your flaws, but so does everyone else. I mean, look at me! I’m not completely unaware; I know I can be a lil’ much at times with the jokes and the puns and always trying to be positive about everything when maybe I need to accept that there’ll be times when I’m sad, or mad, or whatever other bad feelings I feel because it’s all part of being human. And yeah, I know we’re not actually human, but we’re physical representations of a human so we possess certain aspects of being human. And I’ve seen us all try to be the perfect Side for Thomas, the absolute best that we can possibly be at our function and purpose, when – and I know it’s rich coming from me of all Sides – it’s just not possible. If we were completely perfect, or tried to be all the time, it would be boring. We would be boring. Thomas would be boring. The reason he’s the way he is and why his family, friends and fans love him so much is because of us, and how imperfect we are. Imperfections make life more beautiful. And I love everything that makes you you, Logan. I wouldn’t want you to change any part of you for anything in the world. You are enough as you are.”

“And, yeah, it’s true that you’ve hurt me, but I’ve hurt you, too. There are always gonna be times in life when we’ll hurt each other, whether by accident or on purpose because we’re upset with each other; it’s unavoidable. Nothing can be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. I mean, just look at how much Virgil and Roman argue, or how you and Roman clash often. Look what happened between me, Roman and Virgil after the wedding, and even you and Virgil have had your own moments with each other from time to time; it’s part of life. It’s what it means to be a family, or a couple. What’s more important is that, at our very cores, we truly don’t mean to hurt each other because we love and care for each other so much, and so long as we recognize that and are as mindful as possible of our words and actions, then we’ll be able to get through any issue with as little hurt as possible.”

Patton paused for a moment, then he leaned forward and kissed Logan’s left cheek. When he leaned back, he gave his sweetheart a kind, loving smile. “I’m willing to work at it, if you are, too.”

Logan gaped at Patton, mouth slightly open, processing every single word Patton had said during his speech – Patton swore he could actually hear the gears in Logan’s head turning – and letting it all sink in.

Patton waited with bated breath, heart fluttering nervously like a hummingbird in captivity.

Then – in that subtle way that was Logan’s trademark characteristic – Logan’s face creased ever so slightly and a few tears trickled down his face again.

He reached out to pull Patton’s face towards him and pressed a long, fervent kiss to Patton’s right cheek. Then his right arm pulled Patton in close again and his left hand came up to cradle the back of Patton’s head. He pressed his forehead ever so gently against Patton’s and closed his eyes, sniffles coming out in silent, short breaths.

Patton slid his arms around Logan’s torso and pulled them even closer together, hands flat on Logan’s back and rubbing gentle circles into it. He closed his eyes too, cooing soft reassurances to Logan.

As they basked in that loving embrace, Patton heard, in a soft, tremulous breath, the most beautiful words he thought he’d ever hear from Logan:

“I love you.”

And Logan meant every word.

Words were Logan’s strongest suit, just as emotions were with Patton. Being the self-proclaimed ‘primary overseer of Thomas’ language center’ and possessing the highest proficiency of the English lexicon amongst the Sides, Logan had the ability to charm and harm. To educate and elucidate. To heal and break. Logan had always prided himself on saying exactly what he meant and wished to convey. He thought thoughts over before calibrating them into speech, always making sure that they were exactly what he wanted to say. And in this instance, with the Side that he never thought he would ever love so deeply, the most well-known three-word sentence in the English language needed to be treated with the utmost respect and care. It couldn’t be thrown around so flippantly. So, when Logan told Patton that he loved him, he meant it as emphatically as when he was providing exposition during the Sides’ discussions with Thomas on his various dilemmas, and with all the love that he was organically producing within his being.

Patton let the love from Logan’s words sink deep into his core. Then he tilted his head up to kiss Logan’s forehead, and he, in turn, whispered back with all the love in his heart:

“I love you, too.”

They opened their eyes again and took in the sight of each other. The thought that this was the face that was going to love them for as long as it lasted – hopefully forever, they both thought – made both of them feel as if they would never know sadness ever again. Which was an impossible thought and feat, since there needs to be a balance between joy and sorrow, and it was certain that there would be difficult times in the future, but, right now, this was not one of them.

Then Patton broke the moment by touching his nose to Logan’s and going “Boop!” He pulled back with a bubbly giggle.

Logan blinked twice at Patton before huffing out a low chuckle. Though brief, the sound of Logan laughing made Patton’s heart sing and he privately promised to himself to make it happen more often.

Patton stifled a yawn then, suddenly feeling exhausted from the emotional night he’d been having.

Logan, looking towards Patton’s bedside table, noticed the time. “It’s getting pretty late. Perhaps it would be best for us to go to bed,” he suggested quietly.

Patton lifted an eyebrow and quipped in a deadpan tone that Virgil would’ve been proud of: “We’re already in bed.”

Logan let out a louder, more proper laugh at that witty comeback. Patton, beaming that he’d been able to make his promise come true again so soon, wished he could capture Logan’s laugh in a jar so he could listen to it whenever Logan wasn’t going to be around. He also thought that there was a no more beautiful sight than the way Logan’s own face lit up when he laughed. Logan, meanwhile, was reminded of how Patton was clever with words in his own way, and he regretted ever thinking otherwise.

Patton reached up to scratch an itch on his neck, and he paused. It felt like something was missing. He suddenly remembered that his cat hoodie was still somewhere on the floor, and his face fell, feeling a stab of regret for what he did before.

Before he could decide whether to go get it or stay in Logan’s arms, though, Patton suddenly felt something shift over him. He looked down at himself to see that his hoodie had been snapped over his body with his hood flipped over his head. Patton’s khakis had also changed to robin’s egg-blue pajama pants patterned with various types of cats, and his shoes had been snapped away too, leaving his socks. He looked up at Logan who was smiling down at him, as if he’d read Patton’s mind and summoned his hoodie for him. Patton’s look of gratitude and pure adoration was considered thanks enough.

Logan decided to snap himself into his dark grey NASA T-shirt and a pair of deep midnight blue pajama pants patterned with astronomically-accurate depictions of the constellations, and snapped away his own shoes. Patton noticed that Logan was wearing matching midnight blue planet-covered socks – also astronomically-accurate – and smirked in appreciation. Logan, in turn, saw that Patton was wearing mismatched pastel socks: one orange and covered in green houseplants, and the other blue and covered in pink ice cream cones. Far from being turned off by the fact that they weren’t matching, he found it rather endearing.

Both then reluctantly broke the embrace briefly so they could crawl under Patton’s blankets. Once they were tucked in, though, they got right back into the cuddle position. Patton fully wrapped his arms around Logan and rested his head against Logan’s chest again. Logan’s left arm was cradling Patton’s back again, and – using his right hand – he took off his glasses and placed them on the bedside table, before doing the same with Patton’s.

Just before Logan snapped the lights off, Patton suddenly remembered one more thing and lifted his head up. “Oh!” he exclaimed, eyes wide. “The movie night! Roman! Virgil! They – we – I – “ His face creased with guilt and dismay.

Logan shushed him, pushing back Patton’s hood so he could run a calming hand through his lover’s messy waves. “There will be other movie nights,” he soothed. “I’m sure Roman and Virgil will understand.”

“Yeah, but– “

Logan raised his other hand to cup Patton’s cheek and made eye contact with him, Patton falling silent as he did so. “It’ll be alright. Let’s get some rest tonight, and then tomorrow we can talk it over with them about what happened. Okay, love?”

Patton melted under Logan’s touch and the pet name, and slowly nodded his head. “Okay…” he whispered. Logan smiled down at him and kissed his forehead. “Go to sleep now, starlight,” he coaxed.

Pacified, Patton nodded slowly again, and he snuggled into Logan and closed his eyes, allowing exhaustion to take over.

Logan snapped the lights off and pulled Patton closer to him, both arms fully wrapped around him. He pressed a final kiss to the top of Patton’s head before he laid his own head on top of his significant other’s and closed his own eyes, a small smile tracing his lips. Unseen, Patton smiled from the kiss himself.

Before long, both Sides were fast asleep, already dreaming of a bright and hopeful future together, and neither of them stirred when, some time later, Patton’s door opened a crack and two worried Sides peeked in looking for their missing friends, before spotting them in Patton’s bed, intertwined in each other’s arms.

111 notes · View notes