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astraymetronome · 2 years

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A Lesson In Gender Identity - By Deku

Summary

“Deku..” The child started as she looked up at him. “Why are you in a swimsuit like mine?” She asked simply. Izuku hadn’t even considered her not understanding what this was, she was so sheltered from the poor childhood she had. He looked over at her and gave a gentle smile as she continued. “Cause Otosan and Oniisan don’t have them on..” He crouched down in front of her and simply smiled.

The fact Eri didn’t grow up normally tends to not pass Izuku’s mind. Until she asks him a question after they visit the beach with Aizawa and Mirio, and she notices the different attire between the three males.

Notes

I do not identify as trans! I’m non-binary so I understand some stuff and will gladly take any criticism or any information on how to fix something or make it better!

Midoriya was rather surprised when Mirio waved him over during his time with Eri. The two of them babysat her all the time and the latter didn’t like to interrupt the bonding time between each. He watched the way the child’s face lit up when he got closer, Eri immediately looking up at the blonde and saying something. With a nod of approval, she then bolted in his direction. Izuku was a little surprised but he was quick to catch the seven-year-old when she jumped up to him. He chuckled a little as she loudly giggled. He was still in his uniform and found holding her uncomfortable in the fabric but he simply just smiled and continued to walk over to the blonde as she started to talk about her day.

“Mirio-Senpai and I read books! I read one to him, Mr. Deku!” He smiled as she seemed so happy to have read, he gave a smile and was honestly very happy with her progress. He held her on his hip as he gently ruffled her hair.

“That’s great Eri-chan, I’m so proud of you!” He said with a smile as her eyes lit up at the praise. After a couple more steps he got up to the taller male and smiled. “Hey, Togata-Senpai!” He told him as he smiled, the blonde also sharing a grin.

“Midoriya! She’s been begging me and Aizawa to ask you about something.” The shorter teen looked a little surprised as he shifted her over to his other hip since she seemed to not want to be put down. He nodded a little and looked over at her with a smile.

“Oh?” He said curiously before turning his attention back to the third year. “What would that happen to be?” He asked with a smile before looking at her long hair as he and the blonde started to walk in the direction of the teacher’s lounge.

“Well-” Mirio started only to be cut off by the practically vibrating girl.

“Dad is going to take me to the beach!” She said quickly. He was a little surprised since she wasn’t one to cut people off. Her face seemed to flush with embarrassment as she buried her head into his shoulder.

The blonde was laughing as he walked, the noise seemed to make her feel better as she peaked from her hiding place. Midoriya gave a smile as he gave her a little squeeze. “We’re going to Takoba, she wanted to invite us.” He said in response. Izuku couldn’t help but smile as they entered the teacher’s lounge.

“I love that place.” He said with a smile, not bothering to mention the fact he’d been the one to clean it up. The two of them sat down on the couch as he carefully placed Eri as the blonde sat on her other side. “Turn your back to me?” He asked the smaller child as her eyes lit up and she pulled both of the hair ties off her wrists. He took them with ease before his Senpai continued his earlier statement.

“Well, Aizawa was fine with it since he is completely fine with her being comfortable, but we both wanna be sure you’d be as well.” Izuku was working on giving her twin french braids as he responded without much of a distaste or anything.

“I’ll be fine, if she needs to use the restroom or anything, I can take her since it would be easier and you both wouldn’t have to worry about strange looks.” He said simply, he was using genuine logic since it would be best just to deal with it.

“Midoriya-Kōhai, are you sure?” Togata asked again as the green-haired teen just nodded as he continued. He pulled the braids into a bun as he worked, the blonde stepping away to get the pastel blue-haired girl’s hair up. He gave a little hum as he started to hum a soft melody, just about done as his teacher and Mirio returned.

“Dad!” Eri said happily as she gave him a bright smile, not moving as Izuku finished up her updo. He removed his hands as he fixed a couple of things before looking at her.

“Too tight?” The teen asked simply before she shook her head eagerly, then bolted from the couch to be caught by her adoptive father.

The smaller teen smiled as his teacher chuckled before he spoke to his student. “Midoriya, if you get uncomfortable at any point feel free to let us know,” Aizawa said simply. Izuku nodded in response as he went ahead and gave a little wave to the young girl.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Eri-chan.” He told her with an ojigi (bow) at his teacher and senpai before moving to wave as he started to head out to move and head home for the day. He had some old swim stuff he refused to get rid of since a lot of it had some mental sentiment but he had some of it he would love to give to his imouto (little sister).

Izuku was a little nervous as he headed down to the beach, it was pretty warm out so he wore the swim trunks he planned to swim in, a change pair in his bag, along with a big t-shirt over the one piece he had on under the trunks well. He knew all of his shirts would be hard to swim in, he was probably gonna be more focused on Eri than anything, but he knew he’d get a good talking to from his Senpai and Sensei if they noticed he had a binder on for swimming.

In the bag he had brought a couple of snacks, just in case she wanted something or if anyone else got hungry, a bag weight, a tube of sunscreen, a plastic bag for his phone, a towel, and a tiny sandcastle kit. He’d sent his teacher a message about it ironically before he was gonna go buy one for her, so he just said he’d bring one. Midoriya had been very careful to keep from losing the bits as a child so had everything and it was all in good quality.

When he got to the beach he noticed Aizawa and Eri were both waiting, the little girl seemed a little impatient but she didn’t voice it or try to pull her father. He waved for a moment to get his teacher’s attention since he was focused on his child before she noticed him. “Deku!” She called out loudly, the teacher letting go of her hand as a telltale sign she could run at him.

“Hey, Eri-Chan!” The short teen was quick to move how he held his bag and scoop her from the ground as she giggled. He gave a little noise smile as he gently looked as she handed him some hair ties. He was walking both of them to his teacher, the lot meeting in the middle. Izuku had taken the hair ties before his teacher spoke.

“She wanted you to put her hair up, Yamada was ‘upset’ about it, but in the end, it’s her choice if she wants you to do it,” Shouta told him as he nodded in response. After a couple of seconds, he went ahead and moved to sit her down onto a bench as he started to mess with her hair. He was very quiet and gentle with her as he started to pull her hair up into a big old bun. He was almost done when Mirio showed up, smiling as he waved.

“Eri-Chan! Midoriya-Kōhai! Aizawa-Sensei!”How are you guys doing today!?” He asked loudly as he jogged over to them. Izuku smiled and he looked up at his Senpai as he finished up her hair with a hum.

“It should stay in place, go see Togata-Senpai.” He told her brightly as her own eyes shined and she bolted in the blonde’s direction. He sighed with fondness before Aizawa waved and stood next to him.

“I think you should go change while she’s distracted, just so you have time.” He said calmly before he just shook his head.

“I’m okay, I just need to take off my shirt. My swimsuit is under it.” Midoriya told him as he smiled, he watched as his teacher nodded before the other two got over to them.

“Otosan! Oniisan told me that I don’t have to use my floaties if I hold onto him or Deku. Can I, please?” Eri asked politely as he nodded his approval.

“Yes, that is fine. Both of you are responsible enough, but I will remind you to be mindful.” The threat in his voice was obvious to them, but the child seemed oblivious to her father’s warning. The two of them nodded as they all started to walk over to a good spot to set up as Eri scrambled from Mirio’s side to walk along with them. There were a couple of other people present but no one seemed to be bothered or side-eye the group and they were fine with that.

They put towels down, got out the sunscreen, showed Eri some snacks, and went over some ground rules. If Eri wanted to swim on her own she needed her floaties on and someone near her to ensure her safety, she needs to have her sunscreen thoroughly applied every hour, and she has to have someone with her at all times. The two teens understood what he was meaning, leaving her alone could cause her stress or she could be taken again. They can not risk her quirk activating in public or losing her.

The group was starting to settle in before Izuku remembered the sand toys. He dug into his bag and pulled them out, smiling as he showed them to her. “If you get tired of the water we can play up here on the sand.” He watched as she looked at the plastic buckets and shovel, her eyes seemed to widen at the sight of sand molds and the different animal shapes they had. Eri turned to her father with a wide smile before she giggled and reached up for Izuku with the floaties on. “Let’s go swim, then we can play in the sand!” She told him as he nodded.

Midoriya smiled at her as he nodded, Aizawa and Mirio had already taken off their shirts and he was the only one of the guys who had yet to take off his shirt. He went ahead and slipped the white over shirt off, showing the black one-piece he had on under it. Eri immediately seemed a little confused by that. He was wearing something similar to what she was in, so he wouldn’t be surprised by her confusion. He reached over and lifted her from the sand as he rested her on his hip before waving over Mirio who followed.

The trio was smiling as they played in the water for a few hours. The pro would join them now and then for when Eri wanted to go underwater or when she wanted to swim around a little. During a snack break, he couldn’t help but notice how she whispered something to Aizawa after drinking from a juice box. She was motioning towards him on the occasion despite how he’d moved multiple times. Izuku had gotten a few glances from bystanders and some children, which didn’t surprise him since he didn’t look the most masc right now.

He rubbed his eyes before he stretched and slipped a cracker into his mouth, they were about to leave anyway. “Midoriya!” The green-haired boy turned in the direction of his last name as he gave a soft smile. “Eri needs to use the restroom, can you keep an eye on her?” The pro asked as he nodded and the child ran over to him as he started to walk in the direction of the restrooms. He smiled as she took his hand, pushing his crackers into his bag.

“I need to change anyways, Sir!” He told him simply as he and the teacher waited. Izuku walked over to the child's gender-neutral bathroom and went ahead and let her inside. “I’ll be outside, Eri-Chan.” She nodded before not going inside.

“Use the restroom and then I’ll tell you, okay?” He told her so she wouldn’t stand and listen while needing to do so. She nodded in response as she moved and closed the door behind her. He went ahead and waited patiently for her to finish before he smiled at her and put his hand out. Izuku walked them both to the changing rooms as she followed before she stood in front of him.

“You can’t go in here, it’s the girls’ room!” She told him, he simply nodded as he went ahead and crouched down.

“Well I need to change my clothes and we need to talk. I don’t wanna take you into the boy’s area. Understand?” He told her simply as she nodded a little. “Plus it's easier to explain while I change and without taking up Aizawa’s time.” She nodded as they entered the room. It was empty so Izuku told her to stand guard as he started to change and explain it to her.

“Eri, have you been told about Trans people?” He asked her simply. She started to shake her head with her hurried response, seemingly embarrassed. “No.”

“Well, I’m one of them. You know how you’re a girl and you feel like a girl?” He asked her simply. “Yes.” She said simply, so he continued. “Senpai and Sensei are boys who feel like boys.” He didn’t wanna confuse her so he was trying to take it slow since he didn’t know how she would react or respond or what Overhall may have forced into her head.

“Well, I’m also a boy but it’s more complicated. I was born as a girl.” He told her simply, he was feeling a little heavy with the last sentence but out of everything he’s been through this was easy. “But I always felt like a boy.” She was quiet for a moment as he slipped a hoodie on before stepping out to her. He crouched down and smiled at her.

“So I physically, my body, looks like Uraraka or Tsu, but I’m mentally and trying to physically become a boy.” He told her as he gently let her hair down. She looked up at him and seemed to be trying to think. After a minute or so of silence, she looked up at him and spoke.

“So.. your body is like mine but you wanna be like dad?” She asked as he gave a little nod. “More or less.”

“Is it a curse?” She asked simply as she reached up to be held. He scooped her up and smiled as he gently shifted her in his grip.

“Well, sometimes it seems like one, but I’m surrounded by people who help me when that happens. It’s called gender dysphoria.” He said simply as he hugged her a little. “My body isn’t how I would like it to be, I don’t have boy parts but I wish I did.” He smiled with a little sigh as he covered his eyes from the sun when they left the changing rooms.

“Gender dys-phor-ia?” She sounded the last word out as she nodded a little. Eri put her arms around his neck and moved to signal she wanted a piggyback ride. Izuku listened and put her on his back as she continued to hold. “Is it like how I feel about my scars?”

“They’re very similar but yours is for a different reason and something you couldn’t control.” He told her as she huffed at that and squeezed him tighter.

“Don’t say that! You can’t help that you’re phys-ic-ally a girl, you’re a boy to me and that's all that matters.” She said with a bit of a pout. He chuckled a little at that and smiled and he put a hand in her hair. “Alright, Eri.” He said sweetly as he walked carefully so as not to throw her around very much.

“Deku, how did you know that you didn’t wanna be a girl?” She asked after a moment. He gently pushed his head into her chin as she kicked her legs.

“Well, at first I just wanted to wear more boy clothes, but not in the way you see Jiro or Mina wear them. After that I started to cut my hair, it used to be as long as yours, Eri-chan.” He told her with a smile. She looked at the green curls and grasped at them. “Wow!” She said with a giggle before he continued.

“I started to be more understanding of it when I hit puberty, I didn’t like getting a chest like the girls in my class and I was distraught when I got my first period.” She nodded a little, she didn’t need to have that stuff explained since her father had told her about some stuff so she wouldn’t be scared if it happened in the future. “I ended up doing a lot of research and I found the term, Transgender. I read about it and kinda immediately clicked with it, it fits how I felt and it made me feel better since their were others that knew what this was like.”

She nodded before looking up at the sight of her father. “Otosan!” She said happily as she put her hands in the air. He smiled as she leaned back, forcing him to hold her by her legs, as she delved into a fit of giggles. Izuku played with the young girl, swinging her around a little but still keeping a firm yet painless grip on her. He gave a happy grin of his own as he grew closer to her father and his Sensei, glad to be around the trusted figure.

“Eri, the problem child is not a jungle gym.” He said fondly, unable to keep the smile off his face despite the obvious scolding. She looked up at her father as Izuku turned to make it easier for her to do so. She chuckled before looking up at him, reaching for the man as he took a hold of her.

He rolled his shoulders a little at the lost weight as he smiled and looked over at her, reaching over and ruffing near her bangs. She giggled at that before holding onto her father desperately as Mirio came over and smiled, tickling her sides as she got increasingly louder. The group stayed around a little longer, the lot of them dispersing after a total of three hours together. Izuku was a little worried that he’d get scolded himself for telling her about it but most of it was his personal information so it was his to share. He gave a little sigh as he started to head back to his place before he felt arms around his waist. He gave a little squeak, hating it when his voice went high-pitched.

“I love you Deku! You’re the best Oniisan I could ever ask for!” She said happily and confidently. Midoriya couldn’t help but tear up and smile at that, pulling her into a better hug as he rested his head on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Imouto. Thank you.” He said quietly before standing up, after all, she needed to go back to her father and, considering his mother would be worried if her son didn’t return home soon, he needed to go back as well. Inko will be happy to know her son’s little sister doesn't make him feel any less like a boy, she makes him feel more like a big brother than anyone else.

#mha #bnha fanfiction #midoriya izuku #aizawa shouta #eri #mirio togata #found family #transmasc #trans midoriya izuku

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useless-fanfictions · 1 year

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Distraction | Transmasc Izuku

//ANGST//

TW: internalized transphobia, dysphoria, self hatred, (past and current) self harm, panic attack, mentions of past abuse/bullying,

Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki/Midoryia Izuku Tags: hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, poor self-esteem issues, body dysphoria, other potentially triggering topics (full list of tags on Ao3) Summary: The one where Kirishima and Kaminari unknowingly trigger something harmful for Izuku Midoryia. Good thing his Kacchan is there when he needs him.

Read on Ao3

"Oh no way, I didn't know 'Izuku' was a nickname!" Kirishima says cheerily, getting Izuku's attention.

"What do you mean?" Denki asks, peering over the redhead's shoulder.

It was like watching a train wreck once Izuku's brain pieced the parts together. They had his student progress report; which had his student information like his ID number, his dorm room number, and his name. His legal name.

Not the one that he introduced himself as, not the one he chose but the one his mom did. When she'd been choosing for her daughter, not her son.

"Wait—" Izuku really tried to stop them, to reach forward and snatch the paper from their hands but his body remained frozen.

"Dude your full name sounds like a girl's name," Denki teases. His voice is light and the grin that stretches his mouth open is infectious.

To everyone else it is; just not Izuku.

Not Izuku who is in the process of being outed right now.

"I—" he stammers, tongue going numb with the dread he feels circulating his body instead of oxygen, probably because he's pretty sure he's forgotten how to breathe. How to take in the air he needs when his lungs feel like they are no longer organs but vacuum sealed bags.

He barely registers anyone or anything else going on except the two staring at the paper in Kirishima’s hands. He'd probably just grabbed it to innocently look at Izuku's progress, so it is his own fault for not keeping a better eye on the papers that have his legal information.

"What's going on?" A familiar voice comes up to them. It's Kacchan.

Izuku wraps his arms around his middle, hugging himself. He hasn't felt the need to do this in a while. It is a self-comfort, he used to do it a lot in middle school, and it is a way to hide himself and his body.

They didn't need to see it anyway. They didn't need to see the impression of his chest under his binder, they didn't need to see the trim of his waist, the curve of his hips; nor did they get to see the way his lower lip trembled in fear, so he bit down on it hard.

He's been passing enough for people to not suspect anything. He was able to meet all of these people and introduce himself as Izuku after waiting so long and now it was going to all come crashing in on itself. He doesn't even know anyone's stance on trans people; having never gotten the courage to actually ask.

His breathing picked up, the tightness restricting his chest forcing him into shorter breaths. His pulse felt like it was rushing right into his ears, making everything sound a little bit muffled.

"Dek- Izuku?"

Izuku flinches when Kacchan slides into his line of sight, standing right in front of him. Oh shit, he looks so concerned.

When Izuku glances behind him, he sees twin looks of confusion on the others' faces as well. Izuku hadn't realized that he'd been panicking so visibly.

"Hey man, we were just teasing. We didn't know—"

Izuku felt tears well up in his eyes and he knows he needs to get out of there. He reaches out, not standing that far away actually, and snatches the offending paper that started this all.

He can't help but gasp out, "there's a reason it's a girl's name. But it is not my name."

With that, he whips around and storms right out of the room. His legs carry him back to his own room while his fingers dig ruthlessly into the flesh on his arms. His nails, bitten sharp, cut the skin and the burning sensation works to clear his head a little.

He just needs to breathe.

Once behind his closed door, he drags his fingernails down his right arm while his other hand digs around for one of his big hoodies.

He doesn't always wear them, but they are effective when it comes to hiding his revolting body.

His arm stings but he finally wrenches the grey sweatshirt from the bottom of his dirty clothes hamper. It's nauseating, he's disgusting for wearing dirty clothes but he hasn't been able to do some laundry in a while.

While he's taking off his school uniform shirt, pointedly not facing the mirror hanging on the bathroom door, he tightens his binder. It is the type that clips on the side, he clips to the tightest setting.

It makes breathing even more difficult, he feels the constriction like constant pressure, but it makes him look flatter. When he looks down at his feet before slipping the hoodie on, he barely sees any sort of mass and that soothes a bit of the burning in his brain. Especially when he slips the sweatshirt on and his body practically disappears.

He still can't settle down, his mind too much of a flurry and his emotions too high-strung. He paces back and forth in his room, rethinking what had happened.

They'd just gotten their progress reports back, and when Izuku had gotten up to throw some junk papers away, Kirishima had been going around to see how everyone was doing. Izuku had even heard him say something about jumping up two whole ranks in the class so he wanted to see who elses' changed.

It was harmless. Kirishima doesn't even have a malicious bone in his body, Izuku is sure.

It was Izuku's job to keep track of his own things, and not leave them lying on his desk for just anyone to see (even if it was flipped over).

He is stupid! So stupid, how could get be so inattentive to something like this?

The burning in his brain and the panic in his lungs spike again, making it even more difficult to exist. They're all going to find out and he knows, he just knows that someone is going to not agree, to be so hateful as to call him the wrong name and misgender him. They're going to do it and then people are going to laugh at him again.

It's going to be middle school all over again.

Back then, right after he'd cut his hair short and asked to be called the new name, his classmates started to tease him. They would purposely misgender him, poke at his body (especially his chest), and say crude and terrible things to and about him. It was constant and abusive; he hated it so much.

Kacchan was the only person who never said anything. He didn't particularly stand up for Izuku, but he didn't participate either. They were at odd ends at that time, so Izuku never really expected him to. He was the only one who actually respected Izuku's gender at that point, Kacchan used his right name and pronouns before even his own mother did.

Kacchan has and always will be a lot of things, but thankfully he isn't a transphobe.

Izuku couldn't say the same for the rest of his current class. He just didn’t know them enough yet.

He can't go back to that... it was such a bad time for Izuku. He'd taken so much out on himself, body covered in the scars to prove it. He just can't; he's trying to be a hero for Christ's sake! Heroes don't do that to themselves...

But he's not a hero yet, the evil and ugly voice in the back of his head croons. It aches for him to pick up the habit again, to turn against his body more than his mind already has. Other than this moment, it's been rather quiet since the new school year started.

The last bit of his middle school and the little bit of summer that they got in between was spent bulking up and following All Might's instructions. He was training to gain the man's quirk, but oh boy did he like the way his body was changing. He'd also gotten on testosterone during those months, so his body weight placement changed and his voice dropped. For the first time in a long while he'd felt a bit better about his body.

Going into the new school, the only ones that knew his secret were Kacchan, All Might, and the school staff. His record had to have his legal name still, but he'd talked to all his teachers beforehand and they had all used the right pronouns and name.

Not until now, his new school life has been peaceful, easy. The only part that contradicted that was when they moved into the dorms, they weren't sure which side to put him and Izuku had begged and pleaded. He had to come in on his time off and he and his mother had to sign some extra confidentiality and consent forms, but other than that it had been smooth sailing. Izuku either waits until the locker room is empty or changes in the bathroom stalls. If any of the others have noticed it, they haven't said anything about it.

Now he wasn't so lucky to have such a peaceful mind.

He knows what it would take to soothe the ache, though. Hell, he'd already started by clawing at his arms. He might as well go all the way to numb his brain.

Down in the bottom of the drawer next to his bedside table, underneath random junk and manga books, lies a smooth little box with razor blades inside. Izuku pulls it out and his hand shakes a little, he sets it on the top of the table and starts to take his pants off. Doing it on his arms is too risky now, but almost never are his legs exposed.

He sits on the floor, legs set out in front of him and reaches for one of the blades.

Right as his fingers grip the metal, there is a knock on his door. It causes Izuku to freeze up.

Too much of his body is exposed, and he can't let anyone else know that he does this— Before his mind could panic further, there is a voice on the other side.

"Izuku?" It's Kacchan. "You okay, nerd?"

Izuku wraps his arms around his middle again, the blade pressing uncomfortably into his palm, and doesn't respond. Maybe he'll just go away if Izuku's lucky.

Turns out he's not.

"Izuku, I know you're in there. If you don't answer I'm coming in."

Izuku balks for a moment, scrambling to figure out what to say. "I'm-m okay!"

He doesn't hear anything in response for a moment and Izuku thinks it might have worked. But then the doorknob turns and Kacchan is suddenly there.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Izuku shouts, immediately curling his legs up and trying to hide himself from view. He is only in his underwear after all. "Get out!"

"I need to make sure you're okay..." Kacchan's observant and sharp eyes look over the boy in front of him. Izuku bites his lip when he watches his gaze lock onto something next to him, on the table.

It's the open box of blades.

"...which you obviously aren't." His voice is soft and reserved, eyebrows tilted down as he closes the door behind him and approaches Izuku like he would a little animal that is easily spooked. "You haven't done that again, have you?"

Oh, right. He forgot Kacchan knew about his dirty little habit. He'd broken down one day a year or so ago and told Kacchan he'd never be able to hurt him any more than Izuku had hurt himself already. Guess the blonde was smart enough to fill in the blanks from there.

"No," Izuku’s voice is small, barely a whisper.

Kacchan walks slowly closer and closer, he kneels down next to Izuku. They aren't touching, but his presence is comforting.

"But you were going to, weren't you?" That same quiet tone that is strict enough to leave no room for bullshit but full of enough solace to not be startling.

Izuku, too full of shame to speak, simply nods his head.

"Can I have your items please?"

At first, Izuku doesn't move. He doesn't want to give over his blades because then he won't have a way to do what he needs to. His brain was already clouding again with the nastiness he feels towards himself, completely shrouding the logical part of him.

He needs the ache on his body, the tear of his flesh, and the sense of numbness that invades every inch of his being every time he gives in. He needs it. Kacchan can't take that away from him.

"Izuku, please," he whispers, eyes shining at him when Izuku finally braves a look at the blond's face.

Izuku is frozen, still hugging his legs to his chest and squeezing the one blade in his hand. He looks away, down at the floor in front of him. He can't, he can't, he can't—

Kacchan slowly, still acting like fast movements could spook Izuku even more (which was probable while in his current state of mind), and reaches over to the table to snatch the box.

"Is this all of them?" he asks after taking a quick glance inside before clicking it shut.

Izuku doesn't answer again, his silence telling.

"Izuku," his voice still quiet but his tone stern. "Give it."

He can't fight him, he can't do anything but cave. He unfurls his hand, brining it out and away from his body. There are little pinpricks of blood in his palm but Izuku can't really feel that pain. He needs more of it anyway.

There is a part of him, the nasty and clouded part, that can't help but rear its head up a little to spite Kacchan's care. He whispers, voice emotionless and tired sounding, "I'll just find something else to use."

"Mhm," Kacchan hums, dropping the last blade into the box and pocketing it himself.

Izuku's eyes track the movement closely.

Then he is speaking again, "not if I don't let you."

Izuku just shrugs, again with minimal effort. Kacchan's presence has slowed down his panic, but now the crippling weight of his fatigue hits him tenfold. He doesn't have the energy to continue this conversation. It is much too early to sleep, but he definitely doesn’t want to do anything even remotely productive today. He powers through anyway. "What are you going to do, stay here all night?"

Kacchan's response is immediate. "Yes, if I have to."

Izuku's eyes widen. Kacchan? In his room? All night? That hasn’t happened since they were really little.

Not only would that be against the school rules, they have a curfew for a reason, but that would also be breaking some of the additional agreements he'd signed to be allowed on the boys' side of the dorms.

There is a large part that doesn't actually care enough about any of that. The part that aches for any scrap of comfort he can get.

"You can't," he tries anyway. He is scared of how disastrous it would be if he broke his agreement, if they forced him into the girls’ dorms…

"I don't care." Kacchan stands up and stretches a little, doing a full circle and looking around his room real quick. Then he turns back to Izuku after the sweep and asks, "do you have anything else in here that you could use?"

Izuku shakes his head honestly. His blades are his preference anyway, that and his nails he supposes. But those won't do nearly enough like he wants. So yes, his answer is honest.

"Okay good, I will be right back. You better not lock that door behind me, Izuku, or I swear I will blast it down."

His tone was bordering on terrifying, so Izuku just nods and promises not to move.

Kacchan nods his head one more time, glancing back at Izuku as he closes the door behind him, and then disappears into the hallway.

So Izuku is just left alone with his thoughts. Which hasn’t been as good as of lately.

He lets his legs fall back down onto the ground, cursing the way his thighs jiggle as they settle. He doesn’t have as much of an issue with the fat on his body as he does with how feminine it looks. He absent-mindedly traces the old lines on his legs, still aching to fulfill the darkest parts of his brain.

All of this isn’t something new to Izuku, he’s been harboring this amount of self-loathing for as long as he’s been conscious it feels like. It’s only been a couple of years since he’s known why though; having that gender identity crisis was definitely fun. A lot of pieces fell into place once that realization settled.

Kacchan was the first he told. Their middle school lives had always been turbulent, that much was obvious, but they were still closer than most people. Yes, Kacchan told him the meanest of things about his lack of a quirk, but when it came to his gender or his mental illness, Kacchan strangely listened.

He remembers the day that he told Kacchan, they were just entering middle school then. Kacchan had tossed him into a wall and taunted him with something about crying like a little girl. And Izuku had just told him to stop calling him that, to stop calling him a girl because that’s not what he is. Kacchan just understood, they shared a moment.

“How did Auntie react?” he’d asked, voice getting quieter. They were standing in an alleyway on the way home, away from anyone’s prying eyes and ears.

Izuku’s lower lip wobbled and he just shakes his head. Inko had been very resistant at first… but that is definitely something that he shouldn’t dwell on at the moment, not when he’s already having a low.

As dangerous as that is that Kacchan left him alone, it isn't for very long.

In under five minutes, Kacchan is back and has changed out of his school uniform, and has his backpack slung over a shoulder.

Izuku, still sitting on the floor but now with his legs crossed like a pretzel, watches as the blond sets his bag down with a huff and looks around the room, hands on his hips casually. The sight of it isn’t an unwelcomed or new one, but it is still a little awe-inspiring: even with their newly patched relationship, Izuku never thought that Kacchan would be the one to comfort him this intimately.

He asks timidly, "wha'cha bring?"

Kacchan looks down at his discarded bag and then back at Izuku, "some homework I was planning on doing this afternoon, an extra pair of underwear, my toothbrush, deodorant, and my Switch."

Izuku nods, a little absent-mindedly, and asks another question that is a tad more nerve-wracking. "You really did bring overnight stuff?"

As soon as the question is out, his hand drags up to his mouth to pick anxiously at his lower lip, the skin is cracked and peeling already from how often he chews on it.

"I'm prepared to be here for as long as you need..." he looks away while he says it, but Izuku doesn't miss the way his ears seem a little brighter with an embarrassed blood blush.

"Oh..." Izuku looks down shyly for a moment. He wiggles his toes just for something to distract him so he isn't staring at the scars on his thighs. His legs are hairy, and it no longer looks so thin and light and feminine looking like when he first stopped shaving. Being on testosterone for quite a few months will do that.

But still, Izuku sees the way his toes point and the shape of his thick thighs (even with the redistribution of fat in his body) his legs still look feminine to him. Especially tonight when he is experiencing such a low. He hates it.

He closes his eyes and sighs, wanting more than anything to just not have to see any part of his own body at all. It's too repulsive. He's not even sure why Kacchan keeps looking at him.

"You oka—"

"Can we just do something?" Izuku interrupts, carefully cutting off the blond's question so he doesn't have to answer him. He knows that if he doesn’t focus on something else then he will only continue to sink lower and lower. "Maybe not homework, but something, anything else. I don't want to think or look at my disgusting body, I need a distraction.” He ends his little speech with a huff and he rests his forehead on his knees, eyes still shut tightly.

"Your body isn't disgusting."

Izuku folds in on himself. Oh how wrong you are, Kacchan, he thinks mercilessly. He knows that no matter what the other boy says now, Izuku will never not see his own body as an ugly prison of flesh and bones; something he is trapped in and no matter how he alters it there will always be someone somewhere to remind him that he is nothing but a freak; he will never be normal.

“Izuku…” his voice is closer. Izuku can hear his knees pop when he crouches down. It isn’t a second later that there is a soft but hesitant touch on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Kacchan,” he whispers, still unmoving and with tears dripping through the creases of his closed eyelids. He is pathetic and crying again, his emotions always getting the best of him like some whiny girl.

A girl. Fuck.

“No, it’s not. Do you just wanna play some games?” Kacchan tries again. When he doesn’t get an immediate no for an answer he pushes on. “Come on, let’s get up on the bed and we’ll play something.”

Izuku is reluctant, but only because he is trying to hide his tears. Kacchan, who is gentle yet forceful (which is exactly what Izuku needs), picks his face up and wipes the tears off of Izuku’s cheeks himself.

The move is so comforting and it efficiently knocks down all of the walls he’d been trying to put up. He tries not to think about why Kacchan is so good at getting into his head. Instead, he just lets the blond hold his face and he stares back at him with watery eyes.

With those walls now demolished, he lets the bad thoughts slip out: “do I look like a girl to you?”

Kacchan’s answering smile is immediate, “of course not.”

Izuku drops his face more into his warm palms and the thumb of Kacchan’s right hand brushes softly across his cheek again, but it is useless because the tears are still falling. They fall faster than he can wipe them away, Izuku can’t help that he is such a bad crier.

“Come on,” Kacchan speaks tenderly, “up on the bed.”

Izuku picks himself up, Kacchan stepping back to give him room to do so, and they both transition to the bed after he stops to dig his gaming system out of his backpack.

At first, Izuku wonders if they are just going to sit side-by-side and play on his gaming console (which they absolutely have before), but then Kacchan reclines against the headboard, propping himself up on Izuku’s pillows, and opens his arms. Izuku just stops and stares, still standing in just his hoodie and boxers.

“Is-is this okay?” Kacchan asks, arms drooping in self-doubt. They always respond to each other’s emotions and sentiments quicker than with anyone else’s.

“Yeah— are you okay with it?” Izuku shoots back, nervousness dripping from his entire being. They have sat close together in the past, their relationship patched a lot since their middle school days, but never have they cuddled so… close… before, certainly never anything like this.

Kacchan’s face drops the worry and the start of what looks like a potential smile. “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to.”

Izuku steps up to the edge of the bed and sets a knee down, still very nervous. He doesn’t know what to do or where to put any part of his body. There is a part of him that is excited though: cuddles with Kacchan? Hell yeah!

And like the vicious cycle it is, his mind tricks itself into flipping it back around with the ugly thought of in order to cuddle him, he will have to touch your gross body.

It has him stopping cold.

“What—” Of course he caught on, Izuku’s face and posture broadcast all of his emotions like a movie screen. Especially his eyes, he can’t hide anything.

“Are you sure that you’re sure, I don’t want you to have to feel—”

Kacchan rolls his eyes, the act playful, and reaches forward to grab his arm. As Izuku is being yanked forward, he hears, “yes, dumb nerd. As sappy as this shit sounds, I want to cuddle you so c’mere.”

Izuku laughs at the display and the teasing tone, not exactly registering what was said until he is settling his back against Kacchan’s chest. His mood spikes again, for the first time since it had originally tanked, he feels something akin to jittery. It has his heart beating quicker and his stomach a mess of butterflies. He blurts out, “wait what?”

“Don’t think too hard on that one,” Kacchan mutters, arms wrapping around Izuku’s side, forcing him to face forward again to avoid the conversation.

He has his Switch in his hand and he shifts enough so that he can hold onto both sides of the joycons that are attached to the system with Izuku sitting in front of him. He has the home screen loaded up and Izuku sees the last few games he’s been playing. He has a couple of the main games and a few smaller, more unknown games

Izuku watches him carefully as he slides over to the console’s full game library and leans his mouth down to Izuku’s ear to ask him, “so what do you want to play?”

Izuku does not own a Switch, he never has before. He grew up in a two-bedroom apartment with his mother and they relied solely on her income. He didn’t grow up with enough money to afford a gaming console like this. Which he is fine with, he knows his mother tries her very best to give what she can to her son and he will be forever grateful for that. Even now that he is making his own money working at his work-study, he hasn’t had the time to consider going out and buying his own.

All of that being said, Izuku still knows a ton of the mainstream games from the online presence and from the very one in front of him. Kacchan lets him play his Switch enough to know what all of the games are that he has on there, and yet, every time he needs to just mellow out he chooses the same game every time:

“Animal Crossing?” Izuku asks apprehensively, as if this will be the time that he is told no.

“Yeah, sure, we can check up on our island,” he says so casually, flicking over to the game and loading it up.

Our island. Izuku sighs and leans back harder against the boy behind him, resting his head on his collarbone. The warmth of Kacchan is everywhere, wrapped around him and unknowingly cradling the raw parts of his brain that Izuku wishes he didn’t have to carry around. Just his very existence soothes the ache from the sharp edges that Izuku has pointed toward himself. Kacchan doesn’t have to do anything except be there and Izuku doesn’t let that go unappreciated.

He hums softly when he is asked if he is comfortable.

Kacchan doesn’t ask if he is okay for the rest of the night because he knows what the answer will be. He doesn’t ask Izuku about any of the bad things that he thought about today. Instead, they played Animal Crossing for a little while (Izuku’s favorite villager in the game is Marshall because he reminds him of Kacchan). Then moved on to Mario Kart which they took turns on, and Izuku definitely played fair and didn’t mess with the buttons and screen while it was Kacchan’s turn.

After they get a little sick of the games, they do manage to work on their homework; both of them being in the higher ranks of their class for a reason. For this, they separate so that Izuku can use his desk and Kacchan stays on the bed.

When it came to food, Kacchan left again while Izuku played some more games and waited for him to bring up two containers of food.

At the end of the night is when both of them got a little awkward. Sleeping arrangements weren’t something that Izuku had thought of a ton while they hung out for the night, but ultimately Kacchan decided that the floor would be good enough and if Izuku ever needed anything he was right there to wake.

Even though Izuku felt significantly colder than he’d been during the cuddling, he was still reassured that nothing bad was going to happen with the boy sleeping on his floor so close by.

“Good night, Kacchan,” Izuku whispered.

A sigh that Izuku plainly heard the smile through, “‘Night, Nerd.”

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for reading! All comments and kudos are appreciated {♥‿♥} Remember, be safe and patient with yourself. No matter who you are or what your body looks like, you are loved and need to respect the body you exist in. Writing is a way that I vent and this is a product of some negative emotions that I have been feeling, so here is this! That being said, please be cautious when reading fics like this.

Hope you are having a good night/day!

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