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passerine-writes · 2 years

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Jirou Kyoka x Trans!Masc!Reader

Title: She's Not Her Genre: Angst (with a fluffy ending) Warnings: Mentions of s/a, THIS IS HEAVILY TALKED ABOUT SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION IF AFFECTED, in denial about sexuality, trauma, reader is bi but in denial, everyone is in their third year unless stated otherwise, reader is Kirishima's twin, reader has panic attacks, one mention of sleep paralysis, mentions of transphobia Word count: 7200

Quirk: Hardening, it is exactly the same as Kirishima's

This is yet another vent post, I'm sorry in advance

I couldn't like her.

I can't.

I'm gay, not bi.

...Right?

I sighed and shook the thought from my mind, trying to ignore the uncomfortable tingles going through my body. The imaginary hands placing themselves in old places. I grimaced and curled in on my body, the slouch hurting my ribs as I sat in one of the classroom chairs.

"Mr. Kirishima, what's the answer for question four?" I looked at my paper and glanced at my paper. Math with Ectoplasm wasn't always the best.

"Uh, three?" He hummed and nodded, thankfully my guess was right.

I felt something nudge my bicep, I turned a bit and grabbed the paper that Jirou was passing me. It was folded up nice and neat, she passed it just when our strict teacher wasn't looking. To our benefit, we both sat in the back.

You okay? You seem really out of it, just checking in -Jirou

I smiled lightly at the note, a faint blush fighting it's way onto my cheeks.

What? No, I don't like girls. What's wrong with me?

Thank you. It's just one of those days, thank you for the consideration, it's very sweet of you.

I curled my arm behind me at my next opportunity and passed it to her. Our finger tips brushed together and I almost felt little tingles of electricity flow through me at the minimal contact. This is confusing me. Jirou and I are just friends. Even if, she wouldn't love me after what she did to me. Not after finding out I'm trans. Not with my body type. I raked my hands through my hair and looked, noticing there was only three minutes left of class, so I started packing up. Ectoplasm wrapped up the lecture and then the next thing I knew the bell rang. Right, I almost forgot about hero training.

Jirou waited for me with a majority of the Bakusquad, minus Bakugou himself. I crinkled an eyebrow at her, but in the end I smiled at the sweet gesture. Normally she wouldn't go out of her way to walk with my group but today she did.

——————

I really tried to push these feelings away, because I'm not bi. I can't be, after Kimi, I thought I wasn't attracted to women anymore. A hand clapped down on my shoulder, making me accidentally set off my quirk at Aizawa's movement as I flinched. Tear's welled in my eyes as a flashback surfaced. Her hands on me, one grabbing where my instructor just did to force me back down.

"Sorry.." My voice was hushed and I could feel everyone staring, specifically three sets of eyes on my slightly trembling body. Eijirou's the only one who knows what she did to me. What she attempted to do. And he knew certain things caused my panic attacks, things like this. "Mr. Aizawa, may I go to the bathroom please?" My voice came out broken and weak as I willed myself not to cry.

"Make it quick." His voice was dull but I was already making my way out into the hall. The large door slid shut behind me. It didn't stay shut for long, my twin soon emerging into the hall. Aizawa sent me a brief nod and proceeded to erase my quirk to relieve any additional strain from my body. It was only a moment, but it was a moment of breathing easier.

"Hey, bro, look at me." I glanced up at my brother and tried to wipe my tears away but stopped when I saw my arms hardened. "Just look at me, not your arms, not the door. Just me. Okay?" I nodded and looked at my twin through blurry vision. "It was just Aizawa. Our homeroom teacher. The man who has taught us for the last almost three years. You're safe. She's not here. Okay? Say it with me, 'I'm safe, she's not here', say it with me, bro." I shuddered but did my best to repeat it and say it in time with him. We did this until I calmed down enough to breathe on my own. "What's been going on?"

"Eij, I- I think I like a girl.." He sent me a goofy smile and rubbed my (h/c) spikes in a similar style to his and Bakugou's.

——————

"Bro, why are you so scared to like her? We both know she's nothing like that creature." I bit my lip and laid down on my brother's bed in his 'manly den'. I gotta admit, just being in here helped with my dysphoria a bit.

"There's always that little 'what if' in the back of my mind. What if I do something wrong? What if she can't handle my panic attacks? What if she can't handle my past? What if I just get hurt again? What if.. after I tell her she sees me as a girl?" My brother turned to me with a perplexed look on his face.

"Y/N, you are the manliest man I know. It's not everyday your twin brother has to fight to be who he is. That's manly in itself. There's no possible way she'll see you as a girl." I got lost in thought for a moment about what he said until my phone buzzed.

From Kyoka: Would you want to go to the music store with me tomorrow?

"Is that her?" I smiled gingerly at her question and showed him my screen. He showed off his sharky smile that matched my own. "She definitely likes you." I blushed harder and rolled over in his bed to try and avoid his teasing.

To Kyoka: Hell yeah! I was actually going to ask you if you wanted to go with me sometime soon because I know you love it there so much

I tried to conceal my blush. Wait, was this a date? Only one way to find out..

From Kyoka: That's really sweet.. how did you know I love it there?

To Kyoka: You talk about it all the time, it's obvious just how much you adore going there. The few times we have gone, your eyes lit up so brightly and you tried your hardest not to burst out smiling

To Kyoka: And before I lose the courage to ask, is this a date?

From Kyoka: I never realized that..

From Kyoka: And it can if you want it to be

To Kyoka: I would like it to be a date, would you like to go to the café down the street after? I've heard it's really nice and peaceful in there

From Kyoka: Sounds perfect :)

My heart rammed itself repeatedly against my rib cage. My breath caught in my throat.

Does she actually like me?

——————

The next day came quicker than I was prepared for. I dressed casually, black jeans, a grey t-shirt and a (f/c) short sleeve button down. My brother hyped me up to the best of his ability, which annoyed Bakugou through my dorm wall.

"Are you ready for your date?" I chewed on my lip and nodded. "Hey, you need anything just text me and I'll call you with an emergency or I'll have one of our mom's call you. Okay?" I whispered an 'okay' and gave my twin a hug, my binder was already aggravating my ribs so hopefully it won't get too bad. "Okay, go get her tiger!" I laughed softly and grabbed my converse, keys and wallet. The common room was empty as I tied my converse.

What if I don't look good enough?

"Hey.." My head shot yo to see Jirou standing at the entryway. She had on a pair of jean shorts and a black, loose fit crop top with a grey cardigan over top, falling down to about her mid thigh.

"Uh, h-hey-!" Why did my voice have to crack? "Hey, you look really nice." I knew I had a dazed out look on my face as I tried to search for the right compliment. She just looked gorgeous. She didn't even have to try, she just looked so naturally beautiful. She didn't even put on any makeup, do her hair differently, anything. She just stood there shyly, twirling one of her earphone jacks in her fingers. Shit, I've been staring. "Uh, a-are you ready to go?" She nodded and busied herself quickly to put on her shoes.

Our shoes were matching..

"You look really nice." I blushed and smiled, tilting my head out of her sight as we started out walk to the music store.

"Ah, thank you! I honestly really like your style! This is a little different than your normal but you look good in anything so-" Her soft laugh cut me off mid ramble.

"Thanks, honestly, this isn't really my style. It looks nice, don't get me wrong, but I asked some of the girls for advice.." I cocked my head at her in confusion.

"Advice for what? I-If you don't mind me asking!" Her cheeks flared pink at my query.

"Uh, what to wear.. This is my first date." I took a leap of faith and intertwined our fingers.

"Well, let's make it a good one." She smiled and nodded bashfully. "And you're not alone on the whole.. advice front. I asked my brother for help. This isn't my first date but I was still nervous." She squeezed my hand ever so slightly, a gesture of reassurance.

We soon arrived at the music store and my heart soared as I saw her eyes light up. Her hand gripped mine a little bit tighter as she smiled even brighter.

"Hello, anything you two are looking for today?" The sales lady seemed nice but I felt uncomfortable as her eyes raked over my body.

"Uh, no we're alright, thank you." I ducked my head down to look at different vinyls, hoping she would get the hint and leave me and my date alone. I gritted my teeth together as an unknown hand made it's way up my bicep. I froze and took a breath before stepping back.

"Oh sorry, just bumped into you. Sure got some muscle there, huh?" I looked up and froze.

Kimi.

"Hey babe!" My head jolted at the familiar voice that felt like a lighthouse in a storm right now. Jirou made eye contact with me and beelined in my direction. The she-devil herself got a glint in her eye and went to touch me again, but this time I stepped back. Jirou wedged her way between us and stared at me. "I didn't find anything good, what do you say we get out of here?" I nodded silently and followed her out of the store.

I can't breathe.

I sat down in front of a tree, she went to grab my hand but I flinched back. Her eyes widened but she cautiously sat in front of me regardless. Close enough to assure me she's there but far enough that she's not in my bubble.

"I don't wanna hurt you." My voice shook as the first tear fell. I looked at my hands, my quirk out of control as my hands constantly switched back and forth. Jirou simply nodded in understanding.

"Is there anyone I can call or text for you?" I tried my best to swallow the lump in my throat before speaking again. The tingling feeling spreading up to my nose.

"C-Can you call Eijirou?" She nodded and quickly pulled out her phone. I could practically hear my twin freaking out on the other end, along with calling our moms.

"He'll be here soon, are you okay?" I bit my lip and nodded, trying my best to stay strong.

"Do you think we can rain check on this date and try to go on a proper one? One where it doesn't backfire with me having a panic attack." She looked up, hand freezing with her ear jack in grasp.

"Are you sure?" I nodded and sent her the warmest smile I could.

"My moms are p-probably gonna want me home for the weekend now. So, how about next week Friday after classes? We can work out the d-details over the weekend?" She nodded and rested her head on her shoulder. It was peaceful for a moment before Eij started running at me full speed.

"Thank you for watching after him Jirou! I owe ya big time!" I smiled and tried not to hurl up my breakfast as I was being dragged away to our mothers car.

"Honey, what happened?" I sat in the kitchen seat and tried not to cry at the sheer thought let alone all the memories that came rushing back.

"She's back-" My voice cracked as I started sobbing, all the pent up tears finally letting loose. "M-Mama, she's back and I don't know what to do." Everyone froze, nobody knew how to handle this.

"Bro, what happened? You're sure it's her?" I nodded and wiped my tears away the best I could.

"She acted like she fucking bumped into me, grabbed my arm and felt me up a bit. She tried to grab me again but I stepped back and Jirou stepped between us." Our moms nodded and took in what I said. "What if she starts following me around again? I- I can't keep doing this." My brother quickly pulled me into a hug.

"She's not gonna lay a hand on you ever again."

——————

I wandered the halls of school, it was lunch so nobody was there. I needed to grab my bag from my locker. My phone buzzed in my pocket and when I pulled it out, there was no notification. Huh, that's odd. I tucked my phone back in and glanced up in the hallway.

Kimi.

She stood there with a devilish smirk on her face as she started walking towards me. I turned and tried to run as fast as I could but it wouldn't work. I was frozen in place, my legs acting as if I was trapped in quicksand. Tears started streaming down my face as I realized what she wanted.

It was what she always wanted.

Please no.

Stop.

Please stop.

No.

One of her hands touched my bicep like in the music store.

Her hand kept moving down, I couldn't move. Why won't she listen when I say no?

Get off of me.

Stop.

No.

I said no.

She unsnapped my dress pants, a disgusted look in her eye.

"When will you realize you're just a girl? Then I wouldn't have to do this." She kept pulling down my pants.

My throat felt raw. Why am I screaming? Eijirou had his whole body hardened as he had me in a full body lock. Tears were pouring down my cheeks. Nothing he was saying registered until my screaming finally stopped. I was gasping for air. My head and lungs ached for oxygen. My quirk finally deactivated.

I didn't do that.

I looked at my door and saw Mr. Aizawa standing there, quirk activated and hence, deactivating mine.

"What the hell is going on?" I looked at my brother and 'tapped out' so he would let go of me.

"It's nothing, I'm sorry sir."

"Y/N, let's go talk in my office. Now." I sighed and nodded my head.

This was only Monday.

——————

Monday was my third night in a row going through that. Now it's Wednesday and I've gone almost two nights without sleep.

Third Person POV

You wandered downstairs to the common area, it was only about 11:30 but it was time for your first cup of coffee for the night. You made your way over and sat on the couch, putting on a random movie and trying to settle a bit for the night. Your body froze and a mild panic filled you at the sound of the elevator as you remembered you didn't have your binder one. A fraction of you hoped that it was just your brother but a small piece of you grew happy seeing Jirou walk off the elevator. She froze at the sight of you and started twiddling with one of her ear jacks.

"Hey, what're you doing up?" Your voice was meek and bordering on hesitant as she slowly made her way over.

"I was just finishing up on homework." You hummed and took a sip of your coffee. "What are you doing up? You're never down here this late." She sat down next to you on the couch, a decent space between the two of you but not to the extent of it being awkward.

"Uh, I haven't really been sleeping that much these last few days. But I should be good by Friday." She blushed slightly and nodded in response. Over the last few days the two of you continued to text and decided that you would go to the movies after school and eat a diner afterwards.

"Are you alright? You're slouching a lot." You looked down and realized you were slouching a decent amount.

"Oh uh, yeah. I-It's nothing." You hated lying, especially to the people you cared about. She's probably going to find out one way or another. She waited for you to talk as she realized you were trying to form a coherent response. "I uh, I'm trans."

Well that's allusive.

"Okay." Your head darted up at her simple answer. "Do you want me to grab you a blanket or anything? That way you don't have to slouch as much?" The simple gesture warmed your heart immensely.

"It's alright, thank you." You reached a hand out and grabbed her hand that was on the couch cushion.

"Okay." She glanced at the television. "What're you watching?"

"Uh, honestly I don't know. I just put on a random movie." She giggled softly at your response.

"Mind if I join?" You gestured towards the couch and smiled.

Through out the movie, the two of you grew closer and closer. You're shoulders now nearly touching. You didn't realize your eyes fluttering shut or your head falling on her shoulder. She gently moved an arm on top of your shoulder and danced her fingers through your hair. Playing with the unspiked strands and humming a simple melody ever so quietly. She felt the weight of your head completely drop and knew you were now fully asleep. The purple haired girl waited about fifteen minutes before trying to stand up so you could hopefully sleep in peace, what she didn't plan for was that too not happen. In reality, she ended up scooting down a full couch cushion. Your head now resting in her lap. She wasn't complaining, she just worked to ignore her heart racing. Jirou moved one arm to rest gingerly atop your waist, the other playing with your hair. Through out the next half hour, she simply admired your currently relaxed features. She couldn't help but realize how peaceful you looked in your vulnerable state. The music lover didn't even realize when the end credits started rolling. A soft look of adoration settled on her face, but she couldn't be think to herself, what happened to him? And how come I didn't notice sooner?

She continued to admire how relax and placated you looked, until you weren't. She felt your head start thrashing slightly, your breathing became shallow and more fast paced. Jirou froze for a moment before trying to find the right thing to do.

"Shh, you're safe." Her voice was quiet and hesitant as she whispered into your ear, still playing with your hair in hopes to lull you into a calmer subconscious. "You're at the U.A. dorms, nobody here is going to hurt you. You're safe." While her words normally would have calmed you, all you could see and feel behind the curtain of your mind was Kimi.

She continued to do this, hoping it would help at least a little, until she saw a tear roll down your cheek to the top of your nose. She quickly but gently woke you up, shaking your frozen body awake while also making sure not to accidentally touch your chest.

Your POV

I shot forward, well, as forward as you can while laying on your side. I caught myself before flying completely off the couch. Remnants of Kimi still lingering in my mind as I felt her imaginary hands still on me.

"S-Sorry." My voice came out broken and weak.

"You have nothing to apologize for. Sorry if I crossed any boundaries, you fell asleep on me and I played with your hair for a bit because it seemed to relax you. And when I went to get up, you sorta fell on me." Even in my panicked state, I could notice my heart warm at the statement. "Are you okay? I've never woken someone up from a nightmare before. I also made sure not to touch your chest at all when waking you up, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything." I smiled softly at her nervous rambling and quickly wiped away whatever tears were left with the sleeve of my hoodie.

"I'll be alright, this is kinda n-normal, I guess. But thank you, for waking me up." She smiled gently at me and I could see a faint blush dusting her cheekbones from the light of the T.V.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" My rigid form stiffened even more at the thought of going into detail about any of it.

"Thank you, but I'll be alright. Maybe another night. I had quite a nice nap earlier though." Jirou nodded and cautiously started fidgeting with one of her ear jacks after muttering a small 'okay'. On a whim, I slowly raised my hand and grabbed her busied one. I lowered it down to the couch cushion and sent her the gentlest smile I could. "Seriously, thank you. It means a lot to me." Her blush grew ten fold, her worried expression turning into a smiling one.

"You're welcome." I returned her previous gesture and rubbed one of my thumbs across her knuckles before pulling away. I grabbed my coffee and downed the lukewarm liquid before glancing at the time on the television.

"It's bordering on one in the morning. You should go get some sleep." She turned her head and looked at the time, disbelief showing on her face. "Go get some sleep, alright?" She nodded and whispered a soft goodnight, to which I returned.

Once she was out of sight, I let out a sigh and slumped as I made my way to make myself another cup of caffeinated liquids.

This is gonna be a long night.

——————

Before I knew it, it was Friday and I was getting ready for my date with Jirou. My heart was racing and my nerves were sky high, Eijirou assisted me with an outfit again. Today, I wore a black long sleeve with the sleeves pushed up, grey jeans with the the ankle cuffed and an older pair of Doc Martens. For later tonight, when it gets colder, I decided to bring an old 'Crimson Riot' hoodie that Eijirou gifted me with when we were both in middle school. I 'decorated' with a few necklaces and rings plus a bracelet. After slightly spiking my hair to keep it out of my eyes, I waited downstairs for Jirou to be ready. Every ding of the elevator, my head turned, but when she came down, I was star struck. She came down wearing a striped, long sleeve crop top with a pair of ripped jeans and fishnets underneath along with a studded belt.

I smiled as I noticed the pair of shoes she was carrying.

We were wearing matching shoes again.

"H-Hey! You look amazing." I saw a light pink dust her cheeks before she ducked her head down.

"Thank you, you do too." My smile grew and I failed to contain it. "Uh, just let me get my shoes on and we can head out."

On the walk to the theater, we maintained small talk. It was comfortable and humorous at times. Our hands stayed interlaced with one another's and a smile never left my face.

Throughout the movie she chose, I kept an arm around her shoulder and her head was on mine. Her arm was draped across my stomach. Occasionally, she would reach up and fiddle with my jewelry. I silently hoped she couldn't hear or feel my heart racing.

The diner was a little further away from the dorms than the movie theater, but nothing too large. We both got milk shakes since our hunger was saturated with the snacks. I got (favorite flavor) and she got black raspberry.

"Twenty questions?" I smiled the best as I could at her question while I was taking a sip of my milkshake.

"Okay, basic first one I guess, what's your favorite color?" She smiled softly before thinking for a moment.

"I've always been familiar with purple, I guess." I nodded in response. "Common question for you, but what's it like being a twin?" Usually, this question would bother me and get under my skin. But today, it didn't.

"It's.. interesting. We're always there for each other, so that's nice. Knowing someone always has your back, no matter what, it's comforting. In public, we don't really pass as twins because we're fraternal twins, so most people think I'm his younger brother." As I was reminiscing, I didn't even realize I was fiddling with my bracelet.

We went through a few more questions each, and it was once again her turn.

"Okay, I have to ask. What's with the string around your wrist?" I glanced down at the bracelet I had been fiddling with for a few minutes now.

"Uh, it's sort of a long story." My cheeks tinted with a soft shade of pink.

"We have time." Her simple answer that showed interest made my heart flutter.

"You know Hatsume? Well, one day last year, Mina talked her into making us quirk resistant thread. Nothing big, just enough for a few people. But it's Hatsume, so she ended up making it specialized for each persons quirk and color coded them for us. The one night, the group of us were having a sleepover and we finally got Bakugou there for it, so it was perfect. Mina and Denks got all of us to make little friendship bracelets of some sort. Same style and stuff. Mine is obviously this one, Eijirou's is red, Denki's is yellow and black, Mina's is pink and gold, Sero's is black and white and Mina made Bakugou an orange and black one. He would never admit it and he only wears it at sleepovers cause he thinks he'll get teased or something, but I've seen his sleeve slip up and expose a bit of it. We made them at like, three in the morning, we were wired on caffeine and sugar and completely crashed afterwards. But it was fun, I wear it pretty much all the time except during like, training and stuff." She watched me talk animatedly with a kind smile on her face before she laughed.

"I- I'm sorry, but I can't picture Bakugou having one!" I cracked up, laughing with her. If she had told me this I would've doubted it too. "But overall, I really like that, that's super sweet and cute." I ducked my head as I blushed. "Okay, your turn. Ask away."

"Hmm, okay, oh! What made you want to wear your hair short? I'm not saying that to be rude, I'm genuinely curious. It looks great on you, no matter how you wear it, I was just wondering cause most girls are so keen on making sure it's long and shit. But you don't care about societal standards, you're unapologetically you. You're genuine and everything about you is refreshing." I saw the blush hit her cheeks and I was worried I hit a sore spot.

"Thank you, honestly that means a lot. I had short hair as a kid, but I got bullied for it so I grew it out. I got my quirk about a year later than most. So when I got it, it was so hard to use or anything cause my ear jacks would always get tangled or caught in it. So I told my parents I wanted it short and my Dad took me the next day. I've kept it about this length since, just added bangs and stuff." I took the final sip of my milkshake and smiled softly.

"Well, like I said earlier, it looks great on you. And honestly," I took a deep breath in sarcasm, "people suck." She chortled out a laugh at my deadpan reaction. The laugh proved to be contagious again and spread to me. "What! They do! Kids are little assholes no matter how cute they are!" This caused her to laugh harder, gripping her stomach as she leaned forward.

A few more questions and I finally grew a pair and asked, it was my final question before her last one as well.

"Okay, uh, shit. Heh, uh. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Why did I do that?

Why?

Shit why does she look aggravated?

"I'm not saying no, but I'm not saying yes." My head turned in confusion. She reached across the table and held my hand fiddling with the bracelet, like I did a few nights ago with her. "I like you and this is the best official first-second date ever." Here comes the but. "But I can tell you're not ready. I can tell you still need to time work on yourself and heal from whatever happened however long ago. I'm not saying, you have to talk to me, or you have to let me in or anything like that. If you want to talk to me about it, I'll listen. But until you know you're ready, I'm okay with waiting and just going on dates with you. What we have doesn't have to change and you don't have to either, but I know that you're hurting about something. And I don't want you to rush yourself to try and forget." A tear fell and rolled down my cheek. She brought her free hand up and gently wiped it away with her thumb that felt cold against my burning skin. "Okay?" I quickly nodded and willed back more tears.

"Thank you." Her face softened at my sincerity, I'm surprised she heard the whisper.

"You have nothing to thank me for. Hey, I still have one more question, okay?"

"Okay. Use it wisely." She smiled and sat back how she was before.

"Use it wisely, huh? Okay, uh, what helps you feel less dysphoric when it's a bad day?" Her question completely caught me off guard.

Nobody ever cared to ask me this before.

My brother was just a natural, he saw me as a guy immediately. Same for my moms, they welcomed me with open arms and just offered to let me start hormones and get the clothes I wanted.

"I- Uh, s-sorry, I don't get asked that ever, so it caught me off guard. Baggy clothes, for when I can't bind and stuff. Masculine aligned compliments. What else.. working out, especially when I'm stressed. Reassurance, and stuff, I guess." She nodded and took the last sip of her shake.

"Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt." I looked up at the waitress and smiled softly. "We're about to start closing so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

"Oh, of course. I'm sorry miss, we'll start getting out of your hair now. Thank you for letting us stay so long." I left the money and a good tip on the table before Jirou and I left. It was chillier out and I saw the purple haired girl beside me shiver. "Here, I'm warm enough as is, you need it more than I do." She gingerly smiled and tugged my hoodie on with a small 'thanks'. It went down to about her mid thigh and completely covered her hands. It was getting late, probably about ten, ten thirty and it was easily a twenty minute walk back to the dorms.

We got back and she went to take off the hoodie but I stopped her. Her look of confusion made me a little flustered, it was so pure and not disparaging.

"Keep it, I have plenty in my dorm already. You look cute in it, too." She blushed and wrapped her arms around my neck, mine immediately encasing her waist. I froze with a string blush when I felt her warm, soft, plump lips press against the corner of my jaw.

"Night." And with that she went to the elevator.

——————

In the last three months, Kyoka and I grew closer. We've gone on multiple dates, studied together, texted every night. A month or so ago, I asked her to be my girlfriend (again) and she said yes. But now? All I could think of is, what if she leaves me?

I woke up another night with my brother holding me tightly in place as I screamed. Boiling tears rolling down my flushed cheeks and interchanging skin. Mr. Aizawa just let's it happen but always insists I talk to him the next day.

"Bro? Bro, breathe. It's just me. It's just me, man." My arms finally unlocked and dehardened, Eiji's arms releasing their hold on me.

"Sorry." My breathing was still ragged and hot tears still streamed down my face.

"You're good bro. I just thought you were in the clear, this is the first one in like two or three weeks." I nodded my head and aggressively wiped my face. "Hey, bro I know you don't want to, but maybe talk to her so whatever you’re scared of is relieved for a bit or whatever." My tensed and more tears welled.

"No, I- Eij, I can't. I promise she's not like her but I- I can't. I can't. Ei, please. I don't want her to see me as broken." His face fell at my confession, then there was a knock on the door.

"Hey, Y/N? Can I come in?" My heart raced faster at the sound of my girlfriends voice. My twin got up and opened the door, exchanging quiet words with her before he left and she entered. Kyoka sat at the very end of my bed for a moment before speaking in such a saccharine tone I thought I imagined it. "Do you wanna talk about it?" I was quiet for a moment as I thought, but she continued to speak anyways. "I heard what you said and I'm never going to think that. I promise." A tear fell from my eye. "Can I hold you?" I hesitated at first but nodded.

She scooted closer to me before pulling me in for a hug. She let me bury my face into the nape of her neck as a new wave of tears hit me. She held me. Just held me. Nothing more, nothing less. She rubbed my back and played with my hair, but she held me. She hummed the same melody from a few months ago.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I leaned backwards but my hand leaned into her warmth as she moved a hand to cradle my surely splotchy face. "What are the nightmares about?"

"They aren't just nightmares. Well, they are but most of the time they're flashbacks. I would settle for that b-but it's also sleep paralysis." Her eyes widened a bit.

"So that's why-"

"-That's why I wake up screaming, because it's the only way I can wake myself up. That's why all those months ago I wasn't sleeping much, because I don't want to sleep after them." She nodded in understanding and giving me the space to open up at my own pace. "They started four or five years ago. You would think I would be used to it by now. Sometimes, certain things can trigger it to happen, but other times it just happens on its own." I sounded so defeated, there wasn't really any other word for it.

"What are the flashbacks of?" I bit my trembling lip, sucking it between my teeth. "Take your time, I'm not in a rush. And I'm not going to see you any differently." I took a shaky breath before starting, opening a door into the most chained and locked area in my life.

"My ex girlfriend. Her name was Kimi. She uh, she didn't like to take 'no' as an answer. She uh, tried forcing me into stuff a lot. Told me that if I wasn't trans and if I just made up my mind and realized I was j-just a girl then she wouldn't have had to do stuff like that to me. We dated for a little over six months. My moms and Eij hated her, which says a lot cause look at them. But I was stuck behind those fucking rose colored glasses. My brother walked in the one day, as she was going to try and take off my pants. I was crying and saying 'no' over and over again and he heard me. He threw her out and said if she showed her face near our house again he would call the cops." She had a tear pooling in her eye. "She opted to trying to harass me at school whenever Eijirou wasn't around to save the day. The one day, I snapped. Got suspended for cussing her out in the hallway because she was talking shit about me and Eiji having two moms and how they couldn't love us cause we aren't both of their bio kids. After that, she went AWOL. About a year ago, she uh, she messaged me on social media asking if I remember her and if I miss her or anything. I blocked her new account right away. Made a whole new one and immediately blocked her again so her friends couldn't harass me. A few months after everything happened, I came out as gay but really, I think I was just bi and in denial. Going through that made me shut down for a bit and try to change who I was, cause in my mind I figured, if I change myself then this won't be able to happen to me again. But then I met you. And between our second and third year is when I started falling for you. But I pushed it away, I swore off dating a girl again. But then slowly but surely, you wormed your way further into my heart to the point I had to acknowledge it. I couldn't ignore those feelings anymore, so I asked you if it was a date, and then.." A tear dripped down my face, my voice kept wavering and shaking. "And then we saw her at the music store. She grabbed my arm and then she went on to try and act like she bumped into me. You saw and got me out of there." Her eyes were blown wide at the realization.

"I-I just thought she was someone who tried bullying you a bit in middle school or you had an issue with. I figured there was more to it, but I never thought she would have done that. But hey," she angled my face up a tad, "look at me, please? You are a man, you always have been and you always will be. Nothing is going to change that. And I love your moms, they're so sweet, and caring and yes, sometimes hyper. But I love them regardless, and I love how you have such a close and strong relationship with your brother. What happened to you, was horrible and she is a disgusting human being for doing that. Even after just hearing about it, I will never forgive her for what she has done to you. But even after everything you told me, I love you and do not see you any differently. You're not broken, you just have some healing to do still. And just to clarify things with you, if you ever feel uncomfortable about doing something, doesn't matter what it is, tell me and I won't. I never want to put you in that situation or make you feel even a fraction of how she made you feel. Okay?" Just hearing her words had me crying again, warm tears spilling from my eyes and forming a smile. I nodded quickly and grappled her into a hug. She laughed at my surge of energy and affection, an arm wrapping around my shoulder with a hand cradling the back of my head.

"I love you." I croaked out into her neck. She turned her head and placed a soft kiss on my temple.

"I love you too. Does anything help when you're having a panic attack or a nightmare?" I thought for a second but I was stumped until the realization dawned on me.

"Everything you do when they happen helps, so I can't really think of anything." She nodded and tugged me closer. Her grip tightening ever so slightly before loosening her arms altogether and leaning back to look at me.

"Do you wanna try and sleep again? Or do you just wanna hang out for a little while, love?" I contemplated her offers, weighing my options but the thought of what I went through still tormented my mind.

"Can we just hang out for a little bit? I'm not really ready to sleep yet." She nodded delicately at my request and pulled out our go to game: Uno.

The night went on, I was still wide awake but she was curled up in my chest. Well, more my shoulder-neck area. I carded my fingers through her short bob, occasionally massaging her scalp. I watched her in pure and utter adoration before placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Get some sleep baby." She shuffled a little bit and sighed.

"Can I get a kiss first?" My face went as bright as a cherry, and if she were looking I was sure she would see it.

"Of course." She leaned back enough for me to tuck my forefinger under her chin. I placed a soft, sweet, loving kiss on her lips for a few seconds before I pulled away. Only to place another on her head. "Goodnight, Kyoka."

"Goodnight, I love you." She could surely hear my heart beat faster at those three simple words.

"I love you too."

#mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #kyoka #jirou #kyoka jirou #x reader #trans reader #trans #transgender

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