#to trying to just accept myself the way i am | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

#to trying to just accept myself the way i am

teaboot · 7 hours

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Forgive me if you’ve already answered something similar but how do you deal with crushing guilt when you did fuck up but there’s not really anything you can do to like make amends or you’ve already done anything you could and still feel guilty?

Like I know the guilt isn’t productive at all, if anything it’s just paralyzing me, and mentally beating myself up over it isn’t actually helping anyone. But I don’t know where to go from there. Idk how to actually forgive myself, or at least be able to move on

CW FOR SELF HARM

Okay, so this is something I've had to work through for a very long time myself, and there's a few different strategies that I've used to cope and process with varying levels of success.

What I used to do was handle the "I've ruined everything and hurt people and am never going to be forgiven" feeling by hurting myself in a number of creative and stupid ways, from physical hurt (Everything you'd expect) to mental hurt (wallowing, speaking badly of myself, going over the bad thing over and over again in my head) to passive hurt (neglecting my health, not eating properly, failing to pursue good living conditions, letting others hurt me, deliberately wandering into risky situations) and despite any short-term relief or peace I got, none of it ultimately fixed anything.

At the end of the day, making myself suffer as retribution or apology didn't fix the thing I'd done and didn't make the guilt go away, and all it gave me was an additional sense of shame and isolation because now not only was I a garbage person, I was a garbage person with something to hide from my loved ones. Zero out of ten, do not recommend.

The stuff that DID help was harder and is going to sound stupid because *I thought it was stupid* until it worked for me.

First: Learn the difference between GUILT and SHAME.

GUILT is how you feel about your choices.

SHAME is how you feel about yourself.

"I was late to a date again, that was inconsiderate": GUILT. The issue can be resolved by analyzing the reason behind the action and planning steps to avoid repeating it in the future. Guilt is productive because it motivates us to improve our choices. Once you've corrected the behaviour, it's over.

A"I was late to a date again, I'm inconsiderate": SHAME. The issue can be resolved by asking ourselves:

What negative thing to I believe about myself?

What other experiences support this belief? What evidence do I have that the bad thing is true?

Do those previous experiences have anything in common? Where they actually proof of a personal lack, or did someone just tell me they were? Were my choices and actions understandable? Did I have a reason? Was I trying to hurt others, or was it a mistake, accident, or learning experience? Have I grown from that experience?

Can I forgive myself for the past? What do I need to do to forgive myself for those past events? Was I really at fault at all, or was it out of my control?

Accept that.

Your present traumas and shames often have roots in beliefs you had about yourself before the new shameful thing occurred. When you dig into resolving the issues that led to today, you can use those conclusions to work through tomorrow. This is something I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy.

There are a number of ways of unpacking these questions, but as I felt I was deliberately avoiding my thoughts and feelings, I chose to jump into them directly, and found it to be effective.

You can write things down, talk to someone, paint something, draw something, whatever. Whatever at all works for you.

My solutions was to find a comfortable place on the floor, sit down, close my eyes, and do box-breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) while deliberately thinking about every upsetting memory attached to a specific bad belief that I could recall until I had nothing left to go over.

Judge and jury. Was I a bad person, or did I make a mistake? Did I have malicious intentions, or did someone accuse me of malicious intentions? Am I bad, or have I been conditioned to believe I'm bad? And at the end of it all, am I capable of better? Do I want to be better? And would a truly bad person care?

It was more emotional than I expected the first few times. Cried a lot, actually. But if I can liken it to a common feeling, it was like getting out of a very thorough shower and realizing you didn't know how dirty you were before.

The process sucks ass, no lie, but it's worth it. Like draining pus from a gnarly wound to get it healed up properly.

I'm not an expert, of course, but life has gotten better since I started. I'm better at forgiving myself, at least.

Also: Some people will never forgive others even for tiny things. Sometimes once you've done your best, you've just gotta say "fuck 'em". C'est la vie, mon amie.

Good luck, yeah?

♡

#Self harm cw #Guilt and shame

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thewickedkat · 2 days

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long post incoming; meta enthusiasts may wish to digest this in chunks.

i am so completely exasperated with Laudna as of the latest episode. however, i temper that exasperation with my enjoyment as a viewer; indeed, i am feasting on the conflict, thinking finally, some good fucking food, because i think (and have always thought) that Laudna is terrifically interesting as a character and she presents wonderful opportunities for growth not only on her end, but as a catalyst for others.

that being said. the sword. how she handled it. how she handled her own trauma bubbling up, how she handled (or didn't) Delilah, how she handled Orym and Chetney and Dorian and the whole miserable mess she made.

it was selfish. there. i said it. you may disagree with me, i care not, but her course of action was terribly selfish and destructive.

i know many people out there have been likening her behaviour to that of an addict's (and there are many common factors there: the hiding, the lying by omission, the shame, the acquiescence to bad behaviour), but i think in some ways that to do so is reductive, and also removes agency from Laudna herself.

she is allowing her trauma to almost make her decisions for her, allowing it to define her, and she is not giving herself the opportunity to realise that growth beyond it is possible--or, perhaps, she does realise this and is simply too afraid to reach out and grasp it. i think even if Delilah weren't trying to subsume her, Laudna would still be self-sabotaging and self-destructive and still try to hide the parts of her she felt were undesirable; Delilah in many ways simply makes it easier for Laudna to do so and, if pressed, provides a rationalisation for Laudna's choices and actions (as in 'it wasn't me, it was her, she made me do it).

first and foremost, Laudna was a victim of heinous trauma, being murdered and then being put on grotesque display. then she was further traumatised in coming back from the dead and being forced to isolate herself from people for many years, with only Delilah's honeysweet venom dripping into her ear for that time. then she is murdered again as an object lesson for the woman she loves, then stuffed down so deep into her own psyche by the one who first killed her; she is fought for and brought back by her friends...who then seem to do little to check in with her, to make sure she is stable, or coping, because they each have their own baggage and oh by the way, the world is possibly ending. to be fair, there is little time for therapy and stability when you are literally running from crisis to crisis and trying to stop something you haven't even conceived of in your nightmares.

she feels dismissed, often, minimised, and she never developed healthy people skills or coping mechanisms (i am sorry but as much as i love Pâté, a dead rat does not a support group make). so she lashes out, has poor emotional regulation, and Does Crappy Things. so i also understand when she said 'what else have i to give, but myself?'

all that being said. what she did with Orym and the sword was fucking selfish. she is behaving like a child, as if she is the only one whose tragedies matter; she's playing Oppression Olympics, and can i just point out that Orym was the one to say 'i'm sorry' but Laudna never apologised for accosting him while he slept and hurting him? saying 'i didn't mean to hurt you' is not the same, because that implies that if she had not hurt him, stealing from him was perfectly acceptable and reasonable.

i don't believe her when she said 'i accept responsibility' because that means one must accept the consequences of their own actions, and right after she said that, she argued with everyone, told the oldest member of the Hells that he had no right to talk about loss to her, and then fled. that isn't accepting responsibility; that is mouthing platitudes in the hopes you will sway others to your point of view and when it fails, leaving in a huff like a child having a tantrum.

she didn't even bother to ask Orym why he kept the sword. she just tried to take.

Laudna often reacts from a place of fear: of pain, of more trauma, fear of inadequacy, of loss. all of these fears are valid. they are understandable, given all that has happened to her. but just because her fears are valid does not give her the right to make others pay for her emotional baggage. this is what makes her behaviour in ep 95 selfish. all of her actions in the back half of that episode are things she chose to do, and now she must sit in the mess she made. Laudna seems to be falling into the same mental rut that many victims fall into when their trauma isn't dealt with in a healthy fashion: they start fucking others over, as if being a victim excuses it. it does not.

and before others come for me, i say that as one who used to do the same fucking thing but i was lucky enough to have therapy. Laudna doesn't have that luxury--none of the Hells do. there simply isn't time to make space for any of their issues, not just Laudna's. Imogen is still wrestling with her mother; Fearne is wrestling with her parentage; Orym is just trying to keep his feet under him and do what he feels is right without betraying anyone he cares for (yes, including Laudna, shut up); Ashton is still trying to process the loss of Fresh Cut Grass (for gods' sakes, the crafting night was a fucking wake for the lil guy); Dorian just lost his brother and watched his friend succumb to a Betrayer God that turned her into a monster; and Chetney? Chetney is an old man who, i personally think, can pick his battles and knows how to compartmentalise better than any of these kids.

Laudna is not unique in that she has suffered horribly. no one is saying she hasn't, but her behaviour implies that she believes they are saying that. her actions imply she believes not only that she does not trust her friends (thanks, Dorian), but that acknowledging others' losses somehow negates hers. there just isn't time to healthily process any of this, which sucks. it does. i do think her friends love her, care for her deeply, and i think part of the reason they haven't checked up on her as much as they could is because a) they're afraid that her problem with Delilah is much worse than they thought (duh, it is); b) they can't fix the Delilah Problem right now even if they were qualified to do so (even Pike couldn't scour that bitch out of Laudna, she said as much); and c) they run the very substantial risk of wholly alienating Laudna if they press the issue too hard, thus not only losing an asset in the fight against the Vanguard and Ludinus, but also a friend and lover.

it's shit, all around, we all know that. but to pretend that it's okay she did what she did to Orym--or worse, somehow transfer responsibility from her onto him and make it his fault--is infantilising and disingenuous at best, and more than a little insulting.

#critical role #cr discourse #cr meta #laudna #orym did not vote for the leopard-eating face party and then wonder why his face got eaten okay #if laudna is a whole grown-ass woman in charge of her own destiny then she can own the consequences of her actions #she is not a soft uwu bean who can do no wrong for fuck's sake

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dollypopup · 2 days

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I just can't stop thinking about Pen and Colin as mirrors.

Of the apology scene. I can't stop thinking about how Colin's so earnest, so different from his persona at the start. How he literally had lines to feed to the debutantes, to repeat, ad nauseam, vamping with each new player to the stage, but but how his conversation with Penelope is from the heart. How he responds to her 'you are embarrassed of me' with 'I am most certainly not ashamed of you' and her 'I am the laughingstock of the ton' with 'you are clever and warm'.

I'm thinking about how his voice speeds up after that to 'and I am proud tocallyoumyverygoodfriend', how it is so clearly genuine, how it makes so much sense that he is nervous, because she means so much to him, because it's not rehearsed: and then how she tells him it frustrates her that he can walk into society with ease. His face when she says that. . .I keep rewatching it. How he looks to the side. How he swallows. How he looks down.

How he could keep eye contact with her the entire time, except when she says that.

And then I contrast that to the scene in the Bridgerton house (which by the way? I'm swooning. He asked her where or what it was that made her feel most comfortable when they were at the market, and she said Sunday Teas at Bridgerton House, and mourned that she couldn't have them anymore. So he invites her there. So he sets up a refreshment table. So e sets the scene for her. It's not Sunday Tea, and it's not as it was, but here: there's a quartet preparing for a Parisian Quadrille, here, there's mamas perched on sofas, gossiping about the decor, here, there's a dance floor. She says she was at ease, indicated she isn't, and so he makes her smile. So he helps her unfurl.) where she tells him that "Deep inside, I know I can be clever and amusing but. . .somehow my character gets lost between my heart and my mouth and I find myself saying the wrong thing, or more likely nothing at all"

And he looks down, again. But this time, he looks right back at her. he connects with her immediately.

Because she's speaking to him. No, not with him, but to him. To his heart. To the insecurities he keeps hidden away. Speaking aloud how he feels. Mr. 'I had to rehearse that speech for hours', Mr. 'Living for the expectations of other people is a trap', Mr. Put on the Facade, Mr. People Pleaser.

And this is his face

It's such a small 'blink and you miss it' moment. It lasts barely half a second. But in that room, in that moment, with her. . . he feels seen. Colin who had to rehearse what he said to Jack, Colin who spent so much of Season 2 talking about his travels and everyone being annoyed at him, Colin who responds to 'Well it sounds remarkable' with 'Yes. . .remarkable. As in, I have many remarks about it'. Colin who knows how it feels to never have the right thing to say. Colin who empathizes. Colin who understands.

Not just understands her, but understands that she understands him, too.

They're mirrors.

Mirrors as in: I see you. I see the heart of you. I see the you that you try to hide, but you cannot hide from me.

Mirrors as in: you are my reflection. You are not me in exactitude, but ever so familiar, reversed. Where Colin is of such importance to the ton on the outside, his thoughts are unimportant. Where Penelope is of such disregard on the outsides, her thoughts run the entirety of the ton.

Mirrors as in: You help me see myself better. You see me kindly, you see me beautifully. Colin who refuses to let Penelope call herself stupid, or a laughingstock. Colin who will not accept her low self-esteem, because he sees her as more. Penelope who then begins to see herself as more, in turn. To recognize that she is more and always has been. If you can see me like this, surely I can too. Penelope who loves Colin's inner thoughts, who asks him for more of them. Who responds to his letters, who enjoys his journals, who sees the him behind a page and behind a falsified smile and says 'I like the real you', and so he can be the real him more and more often. Pen coming to the light externally, and Colin internally. Such ease with each other.

Mirrors as in: I see myself in you. You are familiar. Of the same heart. The same tenderness, us two dreamers with soft, bruised souls, shaped by each other's fingerprints. If I press my hand up to this glass, I can touch you, warm like me. Lonely like me but not lonely when we are together. Better with me like I am better with you.

Mirrors as in: I see myself in you. Tumbling and freewheeling, submerged in you, in your words, in your body, in your life.

I just can't stop thinking of Pen and Colin as mirrors.

#penelope featherington #colin bridgerton #polin #bridgerton #bridgerton season 3 #no one touch me every single damn day i cry over how much i love these two #i yell about how much i adore them into the empty bottle that is the tumblr abyss and i screw the cap on tight

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moeblob · 3 months

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What if I straight up didn't explain myself? What if I just said trust me on this? Would you?

#fe warriors three hopes #mercedes von martritz #miklan anschutz gautier #we really only need to clarify this is STRICTLY warriors miklan and i think ive already condemned myself but i accept it #i am very sorry but the person i usually would talk to about rare pairs has been a bit busy so i couldnt go to them to get it out that way #so art is the only way i have you have to understand its not my fault (its my fault)#did you guys know i reset the azure gleam map three times before googling the chapter where he dies to try and save him #no i dont think he deserves to be pardoned for what hes done but i liked that w3h gave him a small chance to be better FOR HIMSELF #no i dont think he should simply be forgiven for everything he did but i do like that he was given humanity and how #he was still not a good guy but damn you guys i think about that npc sometimes #who says that they admired him becoming something despite being a criminal bc if miklan can do it whats stopping them from being better ?#like that npc stuck with me a while ok #just ......... there are a lot of thoughts here that i dont think many of you care to read even in tags so ill stop now #i will say the canvas is saved as speed run to cancellation lesgo

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iraprince · 3 months

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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

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rkn001 · 6 months

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this one-hundred paged fixation has had an iron grip on my smooth brain for the past half-year

(on another note, here's a list of ways of how to express "shooting yourself in the foot" in various programming languages, although some are, arguably, not actual programming languages, and some are just references to certain operating systems)

#mega man #megaman #rockman #enker #pilot man #mega man oc #shipping #the rather seemingly-unnecessary remark about that list is just me expressing to myself that i am shooting myself in the foot and #i'll just have to accept that the bullet will be lodged in my foot two weeks later and that its a part of me.#also as a way to detract your attention from the gayness. or maybe provide more attention to it. dont think too hard about this #i'm going to try to learn how to let go of things that bother me but really shouldn't so. anyway #if any of this confuses you just remember this is my blog. not my obligation to reveal everything to you nor attune myself to ur desires. 😇

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coldercreation · 5 days

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brb about to go down a research rabbit hole lol

Question of the day!

Why is showing ��disinterest’ such prevalent thing when it comes to building friendships and relationships?

I have talked about this here before in my rants lol, but it just always frustrates me. Like, you know those arbitrary ‘rules’ in dating that you shouldn’t show too much interest or get in touch too soon, or be too ‘intense’ or interested? Like, obviously don’t be a stalker and read the room etc, but I mean if you're just a regular and safe 'well-adjusted' person, why is you showing genuine effort and interest seen as a bad thing (I don't mean love bombing, that's a whole different thing)? If you genuinely like each other, why is the social rule saying that you shouldn’t show that? Same goes with friendships, why is showing interest in the person you want to get to know sometimes, somehow, a bad thing? To a point that some people can get put off by that effort someone is showing to get to know them? Not saying everyone is like this, because I know there are so many people who aren’t. And plenty people also disregard these social rules because they aren’t actually concrete rules.

This is just a social construct and I’m trying to figure out why it is, because it seems counter productive? By what logic does it work? How are you supposed to make friends/date, if them showing interest in you makes you exit the relationship/ghost/breadcrumb?

How long are we supposed to only talk in one line texts about surface level stuff, to avoid being too much/too intense, before it’s acceptable? How do you know you’re following the same social timelines with the people you’re trying to get close to, when there’s no actual set rules? Someone might think you have to wait three days after a date to get in touch, but someone else will get offended if you take longer than two. But the next day or the same day is too desperate to some folk? And I'm talking about this from the point of view of someone who doesn't have trouble reading social cues/expectations. Can't even imagine dealing with this mess if that wasn't the case. Like what's the point of having these 'rules' if it just makes things more difficult for everyone? :')

These rules, technically, don't need to exist at all. It's all made up, based on... Something? We can always dismiss them ourselves but I'd like to know why they came to be and why we keep upholding them. I want to know the social purpose y'know? Is it a safety thing? Protecting yourself and not wanting to be vulnerable? That'd be valid, of course. But it does seem self sabotaging as it blocks people from actually making the connections they say they want to have?

I’ve been trying to find any research on the social behaviour regarding this, but I’m not sure what to even look up lol. Especially because I think the way we interact and behave has changed so much just in the last five years even.

I just find it so curious that there’s so many headlines about loneliness epidemic, but people also recoil away from others when someone does show them genuine interest and wants to talk to them.

I’ve had this initial ‘disinterest’ stage happen in the friendship context more. Also sudden, out of nowhere, communication ending/ghosting disinterest when trying to make friends (like please hurt my heart some more I beg u lmao). I haven’t really dated in the last few years so I don’t personally know how that field is at the moment, but I know ghosting is really common and people actively try to hold back from showing interest at first, even if they are reallyreally interested.

Maybe I’ll try looking more into the effects on social media etc, there’s a lot about ghosting in that context. But I just feel like it’s not quite what I mean, because I feel this disinterest phenomenon thing is separate from ghosting.

Anyway! Happy Sunday loll xx

#blah blah blah #xx #Or is this just me?? Like do you know what I mean with this?? Lmao :")#Not me writing a whole dictionary #and then realising that maybe I'm just an oversensitive butt #reading into things too much #and it could just be me lmao #but tbf #trying to make friends as an adult is a rough time!!#I have some now but holy shit I hate that shit #I legit feel like a damn golden retriever with the way I always just inherently like everyone until they give me a reason not to like them #Like everyone's just a friend I don't know yet ??#And then I had times when I'd get confused #when people would be friendly but then suddenly just ghost mid-convo #It was a couple of years ago but happened a few times too many for it to be just a coincidence #As in - I couldn't keep thinking 'oh they have their own stuff that has nothing to do with me'#So I had to accept it was something about the way I acted or talked etc #Still not 100% sure why #But I also found pals who don't seem to mind anything about the way I am so I dunno what the deal is #I think I'm embarrassing myself with these tags lolll #Maybe I'm just annoying and my current friends are able to tolerate it lmao

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cluescorner · 2 months

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Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:

Steph (25):

Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)

Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)

Her worst trait really is her spitefulness

Cass (26)

Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.)

Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness.

Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)

Tim (24)

Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)

Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)

His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)

Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)

Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this).

Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)

His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)

Dick (17)

Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)

Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)

His worst trait actually is his anger issues.

Barbara (18)

Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)

Thinks her worst trait is her disability

Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)

Damian (16)

Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)

Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism

His worst trait actually is his perfectionism

Duke (16)

Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)

Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)

His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words

Jason (14)

Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne).

Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)

His worst trait actually is his reactiveness

#stephanie brown #cassandra cain #tim drake #dick grayson #barbara gordon #damian wayne #duke thomas #jason todd #batfamily #randomizedrobinsau #I'm debating whether I should tag this with the Joker Junior tag and those related to it for Pierrot #because like...it's not quite that. but it's also very close to that and is the direct result of that.#but Pierrot would fucking HATE to be tagged as that and sees it as an insult to his identity...which he already has problems with #so I don't think I'm gonna #anyways lmao I am totally projecting my younger self onto Barbara. How could I not? She's literally the reason I view my disability #the way that I do and she actively improved my mental health just by existing and saying some of the shit she did when I was in the #stages of accepting my own disability. So yeah I am projecting a lot onto her because I love her and see myself in her.#I'm mostly basing these characterizations on my favorite versions of them (ie Red Robin 2009 Tim and Birds of Prey Barbara).#so I'm taking the traits I like/think fit in this AU and discarding what I think either is bad or doesn't fit or if I just don't like it.#Damian's 'murder gremlin who is a meanie on purpose because he is a meanie' is entirely unappealing to me and also does not fit this AU #I prefer him when he's portrayed as a sympathetic kid (who is still an asshole) and not a demon child. So that's what I'm using.#same with Talia's 'abusive mother who is totally on-board with all of her father's bullshit and will kill someone for no reason' version #I have read enough comics to know what I like/what is most important and what I don't like/what is #BLATANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GRANT MORRISON YOU FUCK YOU SET TALIA BACK SO FUCKING FAR #I also decided to outline their WORST traits because I already know what I like about these characters/their best traits.#most people do. But what was a greater challenge was finding what would make their lives and those of others worse.#what would I hate about this person if I knew them IRL? What would I first suggest they get therapy for? What hurts them and why?#I found these questions really interesting in the context of this AU where some people are forced into completely different roles #the says/thinks/is was inspired by trying to answer that question for myself. I say my worst trait is my impulsiveness but when #I asked others in my life they answered 'oh so you said your weird thing where you don't ask for help right?'

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derpinette · 3 months

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i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED.#i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please...#i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway...#the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

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amouthfulofopals · 9 days

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I think there is kinda something to be said about how tumblr will go "oh yeah we love and accept trans men! but don't forget, the trans man reading this, to feel constantly guilty over your identity, always triple check everything you do in case you're offending someone halfway across the planet whom you will never meet, never forget you were Born A Woman and therefore Privileged (???), never project yourself onto things unless the majority approve of it, and also we're going to use neurodivergent and transmasc in derogatory ways"

like you're not slick. we know you don't really like us. just because we're men (or masc aligned) doesn't mean you get to take out your frustration with masculinity on us.

#like we talk a lot about how trans women are held to very high standards. which is true.#but also the guys get a lot of shit and people just kind of gloss over it because we're not women #i know im probably gonna get shit for this take #but ill be honest. im tired. ive been feeling shitty about myself lately and a lot of it has been social media influenced #im tired of the internet trying to guilt trip me for being trans. because that's what it is. being constantly made feel like im intruding #or taking away from others just for existing. or that im inherently annoying irrational or misogynistic.#when ironically as a trans man i still face a lot of misogyny myself #people want an enemy so badly huh #and i know it's probably weird seeing someone accept masculinity when you rejected it. but it doesn't give you a reason to treat us poorly.#im sorry it hurts. i really am. but hurting and guilting others isn't the way to cope.#trans #transgender #disk horse #transmasc #scarlet flower blooms

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girlcrushau · 2 months

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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britneyshakespeare · 24 days

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Man is saying weird things to me again

#help mom he's oversharing about drinking scotch every evening #that's very on brand for Man #tales from diana #i literally did Nothing to reach out to him i don't know what he wants #i was just thinking in the shower literally not even half an hour ago about how you know it's strange #he used to always have this way of talking to me like he was trying to impress me which is just kinda silly honestly #like i was a 20-21-year-old in awe of him and he was a retired male model eight years older than me w more life experience #and some rather exotic and interesting experiences at that #i think he somewhat envies that i seem (at least to him) like a self-possessed 'intellectual'#thats how he talks to me at least. it's funny tho #not that im not. like. smart. i think the both of us know i'm better-read than he'll be in 3 lifetimes #and i'm not quite self-possessed but i certainly don't have the open-wounded insecurity he does #while also being rather more confident than most ppl in some areas (and it's not ALL unearned)#he's got much more ambition than i do though. more ambition than i'll have in 10 lifetimes #and he seems to do everything with a motivation of external validation and approval.#so i think he has a chip on his shoulder. poor little Man #the two of us could not be more opposite. but i don't really strive to be like him in the ways he strives to be like me #he chases this dream of what he thinks the perfect man is and it's quite inhuman so of course he falls short.#i on the other hand am if anything much TOO accepting of my own faults and shortcomings. ahem #these are all things i will never say to Man. he's too silly to hear it #besides. im rather sure he likes me (? in some way) and i am these days just very ambivalent to him #i can't NOT say i find him attractive bc i do but he's just. sooooo not the one lol #he's a fascinating creature all flaws aside but i never find myself studying him at my own volition #Man just comes outta the woods sometimes to tell me about his travels or women or whiskey. he's odd #he's very eccentric but between the two of us i think i'm the better eccentric. no wonder he visits me sometimes #but he brings gifts and prayers like he's coming to a devotional shrine or something. i'm like sir this is not a temple #he'll never be normal but he is so strange in the ways i'm too good for. if i do say so myself #(and that's saying something bc i'm not too good for ANYTHING)

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bylertruther · 2 years

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sitting here wondering if the by|er fandom's resistance to AU fics is because for many this is their first time in fandom or if they just really Do like the canon plot of stranger things that much 🤔 hmmmmm..

#i was going thru my old ass bookmarks n jus cackling at how the Biggest fics in my previous fandoms were ALWAYS au that had #absolutely nothing at all to do with canon and literally no proximity to it whatsoever they were just in a completely different situation #and then here it's like .... very much not that way. some AU writers have a small and dedicated following but overall it seems like people #mostly prefer canon and canon continuation at college and such #which is fine! but it's like omg ... trying to rec au fics sometimes feels like trying to make a raccoon with rabies drink water #and it jus is so funny to me bc ive never experienced tht n realistically i have come to Accept this but still every time #thts reaffirmed i go thru a 'HUH?! 😳🤨' culture shock moment before i remember where i am bdhhshfndbdhdhd #like. i am Not going to expose myself bt i remember being in a fandom for characters that were not even american #and yet the Biggest fic that Everyone And Their Mother knew and revered was a sweet home alabama au. LIKE SHSBDJSJSNHSKSKS #it jus makes me giggle.#but speaking of that au...... HMMMMMMM..... THAT ONE /WOULD/ WORK SO PERFECTLY FOR BY//LER WOULD IT NOT.... 😳📝 HMMMMMMM !!!!!!!#many thotz 2 be thunk ....

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butchboromir · 7 months

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is anyone else really lonely? not to get too personal on here but i am very lonely i think. not really a cry for a help or pity just saying it i think #radicalacceptance

#like i really thought i would find people at college but i haven't? and i dont understand why because i am trying very hard #and i don't think i am unpleasant to be around just a bit strange #and like i'm not dumping my mental issues on people or seeming that disturbed in either or an up or a down way #and i try very hard to be pleasant around like im not only talking about myself or not listening to the other person or. etc. etc.#and like yeah i look like probably a little more intimidating but it's not that bad? i really dont understand. but its fine im chilling #anyways congrats if you read this far. your bonus fun fact is that my therapist thinks i should radically accept LESS

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autisticlee · 5 days

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I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)