autisticlee

[autisticlee]

cptsd culture is accidentally hurting the person you love or being hurt by them and all of a sudden you dont remember the good memories with them you only remember how it all ended

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#....oops #relatablogs

[autisticlee]

cptsd culture is knowing you deserve to be treated with kindness but being endlessly confused when youre given it without having 'earned' it

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#if someone is nice to me i always feel like i have to pay them back x10 #and by nice to me i mean even just having a short nice conversation or something super simple #then i have to make up for it and earn that kindness #relatablogs #its kinda exhausting but if i dont do that then its the only kindness i get from them. it wont happen again if i dont earn the first one....

[autisticlee]

#relatablogs

[autisticlee]

I somehow ended up on hEDS youtube and this video makes me go HMMMM. for a few years now i've had people ask me if I have hEDS or say they really think I do and should get reevaluated by a different doctor. I always have to say I don't have it because I failed the evaluation from the orthopedic specialist I saw for joint issues and chronic pain. she did the beighton test and gave me a 4/9 but you need at least 5.

after watching this, i've concluded she didn't even test me correctly? they say if you get a 4 but answer yes to things like could you put hands on the floor as a kid then it counts as a point. my hamstrings and back are so stiff and painful to bend forward, but I could do it as a kid. another is if you contorted yourself in weird ways to amuse your friends. I would always put both my legs behind my head at the same time to freak people out lmao. but according to my doctor, doing it as a kid doesn't count....and she didn't really evaluate anything else. she asked if I have the heart problems all the people in this video don't have, and if I had dislocations that specifically required professional medical attention....my parents forced my dislocated bits back into place as a kid. they refused to take me anywhere that cost them money lmao unless it was serious. like I wasn't allowed to go to the doctors when sick until I had bronchitis/pneumonia and could barely breathe. now I just get subluxation mostly which my doctor said I seem to get a lot of very often. that was it.

she didn't test for sketchy skin which I definitely have or those weird heel bumps I always thought were super gross and didn't even know had anything to do with this until now, or anything else from this video. also when she tested my knees, she grabbed one leg by the ankle while I was sitting and said my knee doesn't bend back, but they're all doing it while standing. i think my one knee at least looks like some of theirs from what I can tell, while standing?? but it doesn't do it while sitting because tight ass hamstrings. (don't remember if it's this video or a different one but having unstable hips and/or knees can cause extremely tight hamstrings and muscles apparently due to overcompensating for the instability which makes sense. my hips are so bad and knees pretty unstable too)

anyway. i had a lot of these things they covered on this diagnostic thing that my doctor did not go over and just told me I have "general hypermobility" and said it's not an issue and that my pain and and unstable joints are ~because I need to exercise more and exercising will cure it~ is what she basically said. not even concerned about the fact that I was there mainly because exercising fucked up my shoulder really badly and I told her how I fucked up my knee so bad once and couldn't even walk on it normally for months. also hips and wrists and etc. also my job is physical labor so.... exercise?? so instead of giving me things to help with my joints she just sent me to physical therapy to do shoulder workouts for one shoulder that I could only seem to do while the physical therapist was watching me and correcting me. once I did it at home, I hurt myself very quickly and could never finish the daily workouts 😅

I feel like there's a way better chance i'd have a higher score if it was done properly or I was evaluated with everything in this video, and not just denied right after scoring a 4 on the beighton test. but also impostor syndrome like what if i'm wrong....from what i've seen online in my googling, you have to have a 5+ in order to be allowed to say you have hEDS and self diagnosis isn't as accepted as it is for other things (like autism for example) because it's more specific and a "serious condition" so not sure if I can just say I have it despite it being very relatable. until I can figure out doctor stuff one day and see if I can pass a proper exam, I have to just keep saying I have "hypermobility issues with joint and muscle pain and other stuff and dont know why it's happening" whenever I talk about these problems....which is a mouthful (fingerful? if i'm typing it?)

unfortunately, I have no clue how to get a different doctor?? or if there's even anymore in my hospitals network, especially ones that know more about hEDS? I currently am not even sure what's going on with my primary. I was told he was moving offices and cutting down on how many patients he sees but would have his staff schedule me when he gets to the new place....that was over 2 years ago and im still waiting. I used to do checkups twice a year. idk what to do about it. I can't do phone calls. writing emails and stuff makes me anxious. when I contact them through the mychart app like refilling prescriptions, it comes up as a different doctor now. so not sure what's going on at all and don't know how to or feel comfortable asking???? trying to figure out medical stuff and communicate with medical staff is so overwhelming for me I rather lie down and cry instead of dealing with it lmao i need an adult! like a real one!!

if anyone wants to share info, related experiences, talk about your hEDS or hypermobility symptoms and problems, or anything else like that, feel free to share with a reblog or reply or go to my ask box!

#lee rambles #heds #hypermobile eds #hypermobility #hypermobile ehlers danlos #hypermobile joints #hypermobile spectrum disorder #big question is did the doctor suck at her job or am i just a little hypermobile and lazy and dont exercise enough and need to ignore pain🧐 #know and am too overwhelmed to do anything about it. need support system that can help me and take me to doctors and advocate for me😭 #but sadly dont have that D: #Youtube

[autisticlee]

I have this problem where I randomly experience loss in skills, and other times i'm a master at that same skill. this happens with drawing a lot for example. one day nothing works. i cant draw at all. lines don't make sense. shapes don't make sense. it's a mess that looks like my art from when I was 4. other times (rarely anymore tbh) everything makes perfect sense and I can draw easily and quickly and i'm very happy with how it comes out. this is why I can't pump out art weekly or even monthly. I hate it and don't know how to fix it 😅

#after talking with my therapist who is currently evaluating me for a dissociative disorder (did/osdd) apparently thats a common thing #and could be explained by that. if thats the case then i at least know i dont have to beat myself up over it and just accept it #but if thats not my issue then idk what is wrong with me and how to fix myself. its so frustrating to suddenly not be able to do things #lee rambles

[autisticlee]

"just be yourself" has always been one of my most hated things to hear from someone. it may sound simple and easy to you, but when you grew up never able formed a single solid personality (because you grew up autistic or for some other reason) and/or have always felt more like 20 different personalities in a trench coat who fight over who is supposed to be in charge, that "simple" advice is so much less simple.....it can even seem impossible.

#autistic #autism things #autism #actually autistic #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #did #osdd #not sure what all to tag #disclaimer. not formally diagnosed with did/osdd but currently being evaluated for it because therapist says #i have “concerning levels of dissociation” and feels its negatively impacting my life and these little freaks in my head need controlled #well she didnt say that last part but there needs to be some order in here #anyway. WHO AM I. WHO IS LEE. IS LEE A REAL PERSON. WHO IS THIS SELF YOU SPEAK OF AND HOW DO I BE THAT. IDK. #lee rambles #big imposter syndrome when considering a dissociative brain thing. been super exhausting working on it with therapist. is that normal?

[autisticlee]

every time someone tells me to "watch tutorials on youtube" for anything, it makes me want to cry. I STRUGGLE SO MUCH TO FOLLOW ALONG AND LEARN FROM VIDEO TUTORIALS. THEY HARDLY EVER HELP. BUT EVERYONE TELLS ME I HAVE TO DO IT AND THEY DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO FRUSTRSTED AND WHY ITS SO HARD FOR ME

#hell i dont even understand why i struggle so much with them #why cant i be like everyone else and learn ANYTHING AND EVERYTHIJG SUPER EASILY from video tutorials #why am i stuck being confused about the vagueness. struggling to comprehend verbal and visual things. getting stuck having questions #BUT NOT GETTING THE ANSWERS from the video so spending hours on google trying to find answers (usually failing) #and also not getting any feedback on if im doing it right or how to improve or walking me through in a way that helps #for example. i watched like 10 videos to learn crochet. could not figure it out. took a few months to learn a magic circle (first step) #why cant i be like everyone else and learn from dumb videos!!!!!!!! #lee rants #i feel like the only person that has this issue. everyone else is like why wont you just watch a video. its so easy to learn from them #IS IT REALLY??? MY BRAIN MUST BE BROKEN BECAUSE IT IS IN FACT NOT EASY FOR ME OK

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

#chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #idk what else to tag #another day of why was lee walking normal and barely pain at work yesterday but then today so much pain and exhausted #wish i knew what was exactly the problem. was diagnosed with “generalized hypermobility” but doesnt do much #not a real diagnosis. basically just a thing to tell me “theres nothing wrong. exercise more” but how???? i keep trying but hurt myself #my job is physical labor and therefore exercise. it hurts. is exhausting. no energy to do more. walking is exhausting #have to focus so much energy on not popping hips out of place and twisting knees and ankles and falling. never hurts less #still think about how failed the heds test by 1 point but had several people with heds or who have close friends/family with it who told me #they think i have it and should go het diagnosed or just ask me if i have it because they recognize the symptoms #and every time i tell them the doctor i saw about my joint issues and stuff denied it they get super confused and tell me to try #another doctor. unfortunately i have to go through my designated health system and they dont have multiple doctors of each specialty #and i in general have no clue how to navigate health stuff or how to advocate for myself and have no help or support system at all so 🤷 #anyway. it makes me wonder if i *do* have that or if my floppy bendy joints are just similarly bad and exercise will cure me #and im just bad at it because i have no clue what is right and wrong movement unless someone watches me and corrects me the whole time #and no i wont learn or get better. im so disconnected from this body that i will never learn what feels right and wrong. #still cant even tell when im hungry until i almost pass out!!!!!!! of thirsty!! or even have to pee until its emergency level piss!!!!!! #so no way to tell when hypermobiling joints when exercising or when form is slipping and not correct anymore. #been trying things to get better at that but still hasnt improved at all #what was i talking about......right. dont think ill ever get heds diagnosis since cant pass the test for that. so cant get much support/help #am on my own with youtube tutorials and hoping i dont keep hurting myself wishing exercise will cure me and “good days” become permanent #also why are video tutorials SO HARD TO FOLLOW AND LEARN FROM. im sk bad at it yet everyone tells me its the best and only way to learn but #its SO HARD FOR ME 😭😭😭😭😭 MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET

[autisticlee]

I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

#took an hour to write this. writing in proper form HARD AND TIRING. too tired to proofread and punctuate #will stay messy disconnected ramble. hope makes sense.......... #lee rambles #lee rants #autistic #autism things #autism #actually autistic #adhd #neurodivergent #audhd #friendship problems #autistic friendship #adhd friendships #asd #dissociation #disablity #what other tags work here? hmmm #special interest #trauma bonding

[autisticlee]

that feeling when you're so unwanted and dismissed and disliked by everyone around you...when you offer help and suggestions or try to join conversation or anything and the response you get is always "no/go away/I didn't ask you/etc" it feels horrible and when i ask what the problem is and why they hate me they just say "I never said I hate you/there's no problem" but the way they talk and act SHOWS ME THEY HAVE A PROBLEM OR HATE ME. you can't insult me every time I walk into a room or dismiss every single thing I say without even hearing it all and then say you don't hate me or have a problem with me! it doesn't work that way! either prove me wrong by showing not telling, or just be honest.

#family problems #i hate these people get me out of here #lee rants #tired of trying to get along with them and help them and they dismiss and insult me #like my sister trying to prepare for her wedding. im very good at planning things and solving problems #they keep hitting so many problems and dont know how to plan stuff and amd i offer logical solutions and just get “NO.” #no thought about it. instant immediate dismisive response #isnt it normal for siblings to help with wedding stuff???? why is my sister a piece of shit? maybe i shouldnt even go to it #just plan something else that day and not show up. she obviously doesnt want me to be part of it. #i like helping out. i like being part of things. getting dismissed and pushed away feels like shit. especially when im good certain things #and KNOW I CAN BE USEFUL. BUT THEY TREAT ME LIKE USELESS SCUM AND DONT LET ME DO ANYTHING AND IT FEEL SO FUCKING BAD #ugh. i hate it here. i rather be somewhere my existence is appreciated and wanted. thats obbiously not here.

[autisticlee]

ADHD is constantly being told your rambling on and on about the same thing or stupid irrelevant stuff or that you don't explain things properly and are too quiet and antisocial. why can there never be any in-betweens 😭

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#relatablogs

[autisticlee]

ADHD culture is having to step over things to get into the room you've been avoiding cleaning all week because you aren't motivated enough but then spending hours meticulously calculating and drawing out pie charts for some random thing you thought of

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#relatablogs

[autisticlee]

that feeling when you get advice from someone who you know is well-meaning and has good intentions....but it's just the most allistic, neurotypical, and/or abled advice you have ever heard and completely invalidates the point you're trying to make about why you struggle to do the thing in the first place.

they're telling you to "do it in this specific way that is completely opposite of how you physically/mentally work" for example, make eye contact/read people's facial expressions and intentions! but you're autistic. initiate verbal conversation and don't be shy! but you're nonverbal or semispeaking. get out of the house more and participate in these physical activities! but you're physically disabled. Just Be Yourself! but you have DID/OSDD/other personality disorder. etc.

i'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help. I appreciate it, really. but it's all things i've heard before and none of it helps me specifically. I have tried (maybe even still try out of habit) and learned I can't just do those things. they don't work for me or cause more issues. practice isn't the issue. not everyone can simply willpower through everything. but thanks for trying 😔✊️

#autistic #autism things #autism #actually autistic #adhd #audhd #neurodivergent #disablity #disabled #too tired to tag other thinhs sorry thats all you get #lee rambles #that feeling when you also just have to pretend to accept their advice and move on because people get so upset when you dont take it #i lesrned if i tell people their advice doesnt suit me and my unique circumstances then they feel bad that they didnt help #they want you to do it anyway. even if you cant. pretend you do or say thanks and move on. but it gets annoying hearinf the same stuff #over and over. more expectations on you. more pressure to do things in ways everyone else can but you cannot... #when will the advice be lee shaped? when will it be just for lee and consider all my circumstances? #why is telling the person giving advice their advice wont work fkr me bad? why cant they change their advice to fit the issues i face? #when im asked for advice and someone hits a deadend while working it out i try to help solve that so they can find a way around #but everyone else expects me to grow a bulldozer out of my head and ram the wall down instead of helping me work around it #i crush their fragile ego by saying their advice doesnt work and they get upset instead of adjusting it to help solve the specific problem #its exhausting because they become one of the many problems i have to deal with then 😒 #no im not “making excuses/dismissing you/not trying” im trying. your advice sucks try again. and my problems are valid!!!!!! accept it!!!! #anyway. genuinely appreciate people wanting/trying to help but sometimes its such inappropriate advice i dont know how to respond

[autisticlee]

you know what, it's autism acceptance month. that means all the cool, nice, outgoing, fun people should adopt an autistic person (me) as a friend and show them what it's like to have cool and fun friends! most of us struggle with that and don't know what that's like, so in the spirit of acceptance, please accept us into your friend groups :D

#autism acceptence month #autism acceptance #autism awareness #autism #autistic #actually autistic #asd #this is not a silly meme. im being serious fbhdhdhdjdjee #accept us and learn how to be accepting of all that we are. stop bullying and rejecting us. thanks! #i keep getting told i “need more autistic friends” and stuff like that. sounds cool and all. but we're too much alike and its a struggle #so i think i actually need friends who arent autistic and are good at socializing so they can do more of the work because im TIRED. #some allistics are so good at getting people together for stuff and reaching out and being enthusiastic about socializing #while autistics arent (no offense). ive mostly tried to befriend other autistics and have only been friends with other NDs at least. #why cant the allistics or NTs pull their weight and stop talking up space and do something useful for once lmao. accept us and reach out! #i dont know where im going with this. im just tired and lonely im sorry lmao #lee rambles

[autisticlee]

that autistic feeling when social rules changed so suddenly and randomly and you don't understand why and everyone refuses to offer an explanation becuase everyone ~should just know why~, but you're the only person that didn't get the update.

do you ever see people do something a lot and assume it's fine and normal and acceptable and harmless, then suddenly out of nowhere when you (or even someone else) do it, it's now suddenly "bad/offensive/weird/creepy/a red flag/unacceptable" and you just get so confused and dont understand why it suddenly changed.....

#it was someone else who did it. i just witnessed it. and im afraid to ask why thats a problem now......the person was banned and. wtf tbh #there was no explanation. the mods just said its bad and creepy and a red flag to let someone know you dm'd them. BUT #I SEE THAT ALL THE TIME. everywhere on the internet people will throw out a “i sent you a dm” so whys it suddenly bad? #i never did it because they will get the notif probably so why give them 2 notifs...but still. it seemed so normal and harmless #and now its creepy and weird and unacceptable and a red flag. red flag for what exactly lmao. they didn't explain #its stuff like this that makes me afraid to talk to people in groups like discord servers and twitch chats because #you will get banned and blocked for saying the most harmless things without warning and get no explanation at all #im too autistic for this shit. if someone does a “bad” thing EXPLAIN IT TO THE REST OF US WHY ITS BAD!!!!!! #always offer explanation and another chance because some people genuinely dont know why youre so upset suddenly about harmless things #autistic #autism #actually autistic #lee rants #im the type of autistic that is very good at saying the wrong things without knowing and gets no explanation #especially when just repeating the trendy words and phrases said by others and copying what others do. its only wrong if it's me 🤷 #when it happens to others i get upset for them because. the fuck?????? that could have been me walking into an unknown trap

[autisticlee]

You can change your name, it doesn't matter how often you change it, it doesn't matter however many names you go by, if you want to, you can change it, you could change it every week, every month, every year, it doesn't matter, you can change your name, don't feel bad about it

#ahhhhh always had bad relationship with names because they never seem to fit or dont always fit #wish i could change legally easier again to name most people call me now #being trans and also having some form of dissociative disorder and never knowing who the heck you are makes names torture😭

[autisticlee]

sometimes I want to be more genderfluid and switch around to whatever seems right for the moment. but at the same time, while having a more masculine persona, immediately lose the support, trust, and kindness of fem peers. but when having a more fem persona, men treat me like a stupid, useless inanimate object they wouldn't be caught dead respecting. just want to be treated equally by everyone, the same way I treat everyone equally regardless of their sex/gender/anything else. so makes me mostly want to stick to a genderless form now, but generally people are obsessed with assigning a gender to me so get treated one way or other anyway. makes me wish to not be perceived at all and to blend in and treated equally by all. why's that so hard to ask for.

#lee rambles #gender #nonbinary #genderfluid #gender is hard because of other people. sometimes just dont want one!!!!!! #still think about time had a friend group who all moved in togther and pushed me put of the group. wouldnt wven let me visit #one friend from the group said they saw me as man (was trying out he/him pronouns at the time) so they no longer want me #they just want “girl time” or whatever so im not allowed to join. also lost another friend who decided “girls and guys cant be friends” #but when in “girl mode” guys treated me horribly or harassed and tried to assault me and wouldnt let me just be friends #WHY PEOPLE MAKE EVERYTHING SO GENDERED. STOP IT. #as time passes want more and more to be neutral and avoid all that shit. dont feel connected to any gender #seems im in the minority for this. don't see many others talk about this kind of thing #is hard to even put into words!!!!!