#they tried some other ones too but idk those never seemed to last long….. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucyrose191 · 5 months

Note

hey i had an idea and i love your seb x reader writing so i wanted to send this to you! driver! reader has a really big accident during a race like shes in a coma for some time seb becomes this completely closed off person but he visits you everyday so one day he comes to the hospital ig and readers heart stopped or something but then she comes back to life and wakes up or she dies idk if they have kids but would be nice if they’re married. idk i leave it up to you just give me some angst pls 🙏🙏🙏

COME BACK TO ME| S.VETTEL

Pairing; Sebastian Vettel x Wife!driver!reader

Summary; Sebastian’s world is turned upside down when he finds out the reason behind the red flag, the aftermath is just as torturous as the moment he got the news.

Warnings; Serious crash (a bit like Jules Bianchi’s), angst, coma, severe injuries, Sebastian’s sad :( Also Kimi and Seb bickering like children.

F1 Master List

It was no secret that Formula One was a dangerous sport, the fans knew it, the FIA knew it and the drivers knew it; but there are decisions that need to be made in order to protect the drivers because their safety should be the number one concern.

So when the FIA decided that that the weather in Suzuka wasn’t severe enough to postpone or cancel the race, pretty much every driver was against getting back on the track, there had already been a crash and to continue was just plain stupid.

Y/N knew that everyone, including the drivers, had their eyes on her. She had won the last few seasons and was the one to beat.

She never had a problem driving in the rain, in fact most of the time it added to the thrill of the race but when you could hardly even see the steering wheel you were holding, it wasn’t fun, it was scary.

She didn’t really know what had happened, she was battling Max Verstappen who had been recently promoted to RedBull; she’s been enjoying the challenge the younger driver is offering her but there were times that she didn’t agree with his decisions, they could be extremely risky and not in a good way, in a way that could cause some serious damage to either him or someone else and it seemed that this time was one of those times that his risks had consequences.

She had been ahead of him when she felt the contact that had been made to the back of her car, it wasn’t light at all, it sent her spinning completely off the track and with the slippery track and the rain continuing to pour she could not stop the car no matter how hard she tried to gain control.

She heard the gasps of the crowd as her car flipped and spun but it faded away as she tried to keep herself from moving about too much in her car; wondering how long it would take for her to stop.

Y/N did stop, eventually, but the moment she felt the contact she knew something was wrong. It felt like she had hit a brick wall, she heard the crumpling of the car’s structure before a pain like no other filled her entire body; her head throbbed and her eyes fluttered closed, her body shrouded by the remains of her car and the heavy rain.

"Red flag, Sebastian, you’re heading into the pits," Riccardo spoke over the radio.

"Fuck sake! I told you guys we shouldn’t have been sent back out here, what happened?" To say he was angry was an understatement, for the FIA to risk the lives of every driver on this track was ridiculous and quite frankly plain stupid.

"What happened, who was it?" He asked again when he wasn’t given an answer, pulling into the pits behind the two Redbulls.

"There’s been a crash, no response," Riccardo vaguely replied.

Sebastian sighed in frustration at the lack of information and detached his steering wheel, pulling himself out of the car, he didn’t even have time to pull his helmet off before Max was walking up to him and grabbing his arms.

"Seb I’m so sorry, I lost my grip and I couldn’t control it and we just collided-"

Sebastian shook his head, cutting Max off. "What are you talking about, what happened?"

Max simply stared at Seb for a moment, guilt filling his entire body as he realised Sebastian had absolutely no idea. "Seb, it’s Y/N…."

It was as thought the world had stopped turning, Max’s voice had faded away along with the sound of the crowds and everything else around him, the only thing he heard were his racing thoughts as he remembered Riccardo’s words.

No response

He looked up at the big screen that was showing the wreckage live, his heart dropped, the car was completely crushed and she was still in it.

He saw as a few of the Marshalls looked towards the ground briefly before looking into the direction of the camera as they all started making the same gesture, not even a minute later the screen was shut off so that no one could see what was happening.

Sebastian didn’t register his feet moving or the drop of Max’s hand from his shoulder but the next moment he was storming into the Mercedes garage demanding for some sort of information.

If it was any other driver entering their garage without permission they would’ve been immediately kicked out but knowing that Sebastian was here for no other reason that to know if his wife was okay they didn’t mention the red race suit that stood out against everyone else’s black and white uniform.

Seeing that Sebastian was simply stood there, seemingly not knowing what to do, Toto walked over to him and directed him away from his team so that they could talk.

"There was no response over the radio so we can assume that she’s unconscious, she went into that barrier at an incredible speed and the from the damage we can see there’s no way she isn’t injured in some way so she’s going to be airlifted to the nearest hospital, okay?" He spoke in a low voice so that no one could hear besides the two of them.

Sebastian made no indication that he had registered Toto’s words but he did swallow thickly before simply walking away and making his way into his own garage; he didn’t speak to anyone, instead heading straight to his drivers room.

He has taken the quickest shower of his life and changed into regular clothes, he had no intention of getting back into that car this weekend and if anyone expected him to then they were delusional.

As soon as he walked through the doors of the hospital he was approached by an older looking nurse that seemed to have been waiting for him and he could tell by the look on her face that he wasn’t going to hear anything good.

She gestured him to follow her; she lead him into an empty hospital room and gestured for him to sit down on one of the two chairs that were underneath the window, she took the other.

"Mr Vettel, I’m going to be straight with you because I wouldn’t want anyone to beat around the bush if I was in your position. The speed and force at which your wife crashed into barrier quite frankly should have killed her so bear that in mind when I go over her injuries with you because they might sound bad but for what happened I’d say she got out lucky."

Her words cut through Sebastian like a knife, tearing into his skin to leave him vulnerable to whatever she has to say next. Though, he’s grateful she’s telling him how it is instead of sugar coating the severity of everything just so that he’s not uncomfortable, he wants to understand and be aware of what exactly has happened so he gulped and nodded for her to continue.

She didn’t look at him sympathetically which he was thankful for but her expression was comforting. "The impact shattered Mrs Vettel’s tibia and fibula in her right leg, three of her ribs were also broken and a few of them are bruised, during the crash something must have made contact with your wife’s head because when we were cutting the helmet off the back of it was already broken through and it’s caused her some severe trauma to her head."

It was as though Sebastian felt the pain with each injury that was listed, the nurse was explaining it precise and slow so that he could probably understand it but there was really only one thing he wanted to know. "Is my wife going to be okay?"

This time the nurse did look at him sympathetically as she saw the pure worry in his eyes, she could see the love he felt for the Mercedes driver and the pain that this was causing him.

"Your wife is in surgery right now to fix both bones in her leg and suture up the injury on her scalp, her ribs should heal by themselves in at least six weeks but will most likely be longer, the thing we’re most worried about however is when she’s going to wake up. Whilst the knock on her head hasn’t caused any internal bleeding, we do think that’s the reason she was unconscious and not the crash itself."

Sebastian’s blood went cold at her words, "So-what, she’s in a coma?"

The woman nodded in confirmation. "Yes, it’s hard to determine when a person in a coma is going to wake up because each person is different when they’re in a position like this and I’m aware of how difficult this is for you to hear but whilst she’s in this state, it’s really the best time for her injuries to heal and hopefully she’ll wake after the worst of the pain has passed."

"How long do you think she’ll be in the coma for?"

"It varies from person to person but I’d say anywhere between a few weeks to a few months."

Sebastian nodded his head, glancing down to his lap where he was fiddling with his wedding ring. "Thank you." He simply muttered to the nurse who took that as her cue to leave.

"Mrs Vettel will be brought here after her surgery is complete, you’re welcome to wait until then or if you wish to go and come back after they’re finished we can give you a call if-"

"I’ll wait," Sebastian interrupted her and she nodded before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

Sebastian sighed heavily into the silence of the room, placing his head in his hands; now that he was alone the strong front he had put up had disappeared, before he could stop it his eyes were watering and silent tears were falling into his hands.

He didn’t know how long he sat like that before he heard the doors to the room open and a bed was wheeled in by four or five doctors, once the bed was locked in the middle of the room all of them left but one.

The man was probably in his forties but he seemed kind enough as he regarded Sebastian. "You must be Mr Vettel?"

Sebastian hastily wiped his eyes before rubbing his hands on his legs, nodding his head.

The doctor smiled before speaking. "The surgery went well, both bones in your wife’s leg have been reconstructed but those pins will have to stay there for a month or two and afterwards she’ll need physical therapy to regain her strength back and the cut to her head has been sutured up with no issues. A nurse will come by tonight to check her vitals and ensure everything is okay, they usually do checkups every 6-8 hours but if you need something then feel free to press the button."

"I will, thank you." Sebastian smiled weakly.

"As you are her husband you can come and go as you like, you are more than welcome to have someone come and take your place when you want to go and shower or rest. If anyone wishes to come and visit then visiting hours are between 8am and 8pm, after that we only permit one person to stay."

The doctor left shortly after and after taking a deep breath Sebastian got up from his seat beneath the window and made his way to the bed.

The sight of her made him want to burst into tears all over again, she had cuts and bruises all over her face and arms, her right left was resting on a pillow but trapped inside a metal brace that was attached to the pins inside her leg, her head was bandaged to protect the stitches on from the pillow she was laying on.

She looked lifeless and the sight of it pretty much tore him in two.

He didn’t know what to do, he was here alone and the love of his life almost died.

He carefully leaned against the edge of the bed, making sure he didn’t budge anything he shouldn’t before carefully grabbing her left hand, it was bare of any rings and Sebastian hoped that they were in her driver’s room somewhere and not lost because she was so protective over them rings and would be pissed if they were lost.

He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss to the back of it.

It was way too silent in here, he hated it.

He leaned his body forward and pressed his face into the pillow, being mindful that he wasn’t hurting her even if she was unconscious and most likely wouldn’t feel it.

"Please come back to me, Liebling. I need you so much."

Sebastian didn’t leave the hospital that night, he had dragged the chair across the room so he could spend the night beside his wife, he hardly slept instead choosing to sit and simply watch as she ‘slept’ hoping that if he stayed awake long enough then eventually she would wake up.

She didn’t.

He had countless messages from family and drivers but he didn’t answer them, he knew not answering her family was selfish but he found that he really only cared about Y/N and no one else, that and he wasn’t ready to talk about it.

He messaged her and his parents this morning explaining what the doctors had told him yesterday but had left the other messages unread.

Not once had he let go of her hand, not when the nurses came in every couple of hours to do their checkups or when they brought him something to drink or eat, most of which went untouched.

He couldn’t explain the heartache he was feeling, to have the person you love the most in the world be in such a vulnerable position was heart wrenching, especially when it was your job and vow to protect them.

He couldn’t have stopped that crash but he will make sure he is around for every step of her recovery process.

Sebastian was thankful that there wasn’t a race this week because there was no way he was leaving her in the hospital alone to get in the car, he wasn’t in the right mindset anyways.

It seemed silly that he was also thankful that there was only four races left and Y/N had already won the championship otherwise he would’ve been devastated for her.

A knock at the door tore him away from his thoughts and he assumed that it was a nurse but was proved wrong when Max walked through the door with flowers in his hand.

Sebastian pursed his lips and looked down, he couldn’t even look at the man knowing that he was the reason his wife was unconscious in the hospital.

He knew it was wrong to blame him because he had no grip and the weather was no help but he was aware of the way the younger lad drove and knew that he took unnecessary risks, risks that could’ve killed the woman he loved.

"Uhm," Max cleared his throat awkwardly. "I messaged to see if it was okay for me to come but I didn’t get an answer and I just needed to see if she was okay."

Sebastian bit his tongue which was hard when everything inside him wanted to turn and shout at the RedBull driver that this was all his fault and he had no right to come here when he was the reason she was here in the first place, and his wife didn’t even like fucking roses so be can shove them up his arse for all Sebastian cared.

"Is she okay?"

Sebastian scoffed at the question, looking up at Max as if questioning his sanity. "Does she look okay?"

Max looked at him guiltily before glancing away, not being able to stand the look of complete despair in the German’s eyes.

"Just leave," Sebastian shook his head. "My wife’s pretty much on her death bed right now because of you and I really don’t need you coming here pretending like you care when we both know that that the only thing you care about when you’re in that car is yourself, not anyone else and certainly not their lives."

Max bit back the retort that’s on the end of his tongue knowing that the man was not in the right place right now so he placed the flowers on the table by the door and took his leave.

Sebastian sighed and tipped his head back to try and stop himself from crying, he needed to stop crying, he hadn’t done anything else in the last 24 hours.

It had been a week and Sebastian had talked to no one, none of the drivers had tried to visit so he assumed that Max had warned them to stay away which he was glad.

He had left the hospital only twice to pack some clothes and essentials for the two of them, Y/N still hadn’t woken up but the bruising on her face and arms was going down and the doctors had said her ribs were healing nicely.

He had never realised how much he had depended on her and needed her until he didn’t have her to depend on.

He loved her so much and felt like he was going insane with her right next to him but not exactly there at the same time.

Shortly after Max had left that day, two nurses had came in with Y/N’s race suit, fireproofs, balaclava, gloves, boots, two halves of her race helmet and her rings.

Sebastian had wasted no time in placing her rings back onto her hand, he didn’t think she looked right without them and knew that if she woke up without them on her hand she wouldn’t be impressed.

He had almost cried again when he picked up both pieces of her helmet and saw the place where she had been stricken on the head, there was a gash that went right through the helmet and a large red stain on her balaclava that would be beneath where the hole on her helmet is.

He had told his and Y/N’s parents that there was no point in flying in to visit until she was awake and they agreed, he also assumed that the teams had all flown back to their headquarters or the next race location so he was here alone.

Quite frankly, Sebastian didn’t know what to do, there was a race in America this week and even though it was the last thing on his mind and the last thing he wanted to do he knew that he had an obligation to be there, he couldn’t just not show up and it seemed like Britta had the same idea as he saw her name pop up on his phone trying to call him, it wasn’t the first time but it seemed like she was unrelenting this time.

"What do you want?" He sighed as he pressed the phone against his ear, running a hand over his face.

"Oh, so you are alive!" Her surprised voice was way too loud in his ear.

"Just tell me what you want, Britta." Sebastian had no time or patience for her teasing or jokes.

"You need to be in America in three days, Sebastian, I understand that you don’t want to see anyone and the last thing you want to do is get in a car but you do have an obligation to be there." She told him sadly.

"I have an obligation to take care of my family, Britta, I couldn’t give a shit about racing."

"You can’t stay in Japan, Seb."

"What do you want me to do, leave her here in a different country by herself?"

"I think you should move her to a facility in Switzerland for starters so that you can at least be near home."

Sebastian stayed silent, he couldn’t argue with that logic, it probably would be better, even for Y/N so that she wouldn’t have to fly when she was awake and recovering.

"I’ll talk to you tomorrow," he told her before hanging up, not allowing her to say anything else.

The next day he had payed to have Y/N transferred to the closest hospital to where they lived in Switzerland and had flown out her parents so that they could stay with her whilst he was in America.

He had put his foot down on missing media day, he’d go Friday, Saturday and leave immediately after the race on Sunday and would call his in laws multiple times a day whilst he was gone, he was not happy about it but it was the best he could do.

They were currently waiting outside of the room whilst Sebastian said his goodbyes to Y/N, he had spoken to her everyday just on the off chance that she could hear everything that was going on around her, the last thing he wanted was for her to have to suffer in silence whilst she was in this position.

He pressed his forehead against hers, which was now bandage free, closing his eyes to relish in the contact that he wouldn’t have for the next couple of days.

"I love you so much, liebe and I’m going to be back as soon as I can. You better not wake up whilst I’m gone otherwise I’m going to be pissed off with you," he chuckled weakly knowing that is something she’d probably do.

He pressed a kiss to her head and one to the back of her hand before reluctantly getting up, grabbing his back and leaving the room, knowing that if he didn’t go now then he never would.

Sebastian knew he was pushing his limits but couldn’t find it in himself to care, it was Friday and he had arrived in America this morning but hadn’t shown up at the track until just ten minutes before FP1 started.

He had been on the phone with his mother in law as soon as he got off the plane and hadn’t hung up until a few hours later but the real reason he had left it so long to head to the track was so that he could avoid most of the cameras as he was walking in, knowing that they’d now mostly be focused on the team garages.

Speaking of teams, Y/N’s seat had been filled in by Esteban Ocon for the rest of the season, the smallest part of Sebastian felt guilty knowing that Toto Wolff had been trying to find out what was going on with his driver but Seb had made sure everything was kept under wraps.

The only people who knew how she was were family, Britta and Y/N’s PR manager, Freya and every single one of them had no intention of spilling any information.

He could feel the eyes on him and hear the muttering as he walked through the paddock, he hadn’t even been here five minutes and he was already getting annoyed by the cameras and how loud it was.

It pissed him off even more when he saw team members from other motorhomes coming out to watch as if he was going to stand there and make a grand statement to let them all know how Y/N was.

He just ignored them and walked into the Ferrari motor home to his drivers room so he could change into his race gear.

He made sure he had his helmet on before he left his room, making a clear statement that he was in no mood to talk to anyone, thankfully the team respected it and let him get straight into the car, just in time for FP1 to start.

It felt wrong, he and Y/N had a small ritual they did before they got into the car, they had done it for years and this would be the first time getting into the car without it.

"Okay, Sebastian, you’re free to leave the garage, just give Mattia a heads up when you’re ready. You’re on mediums for now," Riccardo spoke through his ear piece.

Sebastian didn’t answer but he did nod his head towards a mechanic to let him know he was ready.

He was top of the time sheet for both practises today, he wouldn’t say he had tried to be in that position, he had just channelled his frustration into his driving.

"Sebastian, top of the time sheet today, does that mean the car was feeling well for you?" The woman in front of him asked, holding out her microphone for him.

"It felt fine," he responded, he wasn’t even looking at her, he was too busy thinking about phoning Y/N’s parents when he got out of here.

"You’re back after a week off, did you end up doing anything interesting?" He was aware that the woman was trying to subtly pry information from him about Y/N and it pissed him off so he just scoffed and walked away, knowing Britta was going to have to do a bit of damage control.

"Hey! Seb! Seb!" He heard Lewis call after him but continued walking causing the English driver to have to run to catch up to him, clasping a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder to get him to stop walking.

"Hey, are you alright, mate?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes "I’d be find if everyone stopped asking me that stupid question."

"Alright," Lewis nodded, not one to get offended or hurt at the tone Sebastian used because he understood. "How’s my teammate?"

Seb raised a hand to his forehead in frustration at the question, he could feel himself losing it. "What do you want me to say, Lewis? She’s clearly not fine other wise you would’ve heard something so will you and everyone else just leave me the fuck alone."

He didn’t wait for a reply, instead walking away, hopefully to make that phone call he’s been wanting to make since the last one had ended but just as he was about to shut the door to his driver’s room, a hand caught it.

"For fuck sake, can I not get a moment alone around here!?"

"Don’t start your attitude with me," Kimi grunted and Sebastian sighed, now was not the time for him to deal with Kimi.

"What do you want?"

"I want what everyone else wants."

"Well I hate to break it to you but just because you’re my teammate doesn’t mean I’m telling you how she is."

Kimi rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable on Sebastian’s bed whilst the latter was looking around for his phone.

"That’s not what I was talking about, I’m talking about the mood you’re in, you need to get out of it and get a grip, that’s what Y/N would want, not you walking around and sulking ruining everyone else’s day."

Sebastian shot him a dirty look. "You don’t know what she’d want and neither do I right now because she’s in the hospital, and if anyone has a problem with my attitude I’m perfectly fine with them staying away from me."

Kimi sent him a sarcastic smile, matching his attitude. "Well I have a problem with it cause you took my personality."

"What?"

Kimi sighed and stretched out. "You know how exhausting it is to have to be the happy one out of the two of us, that’s supposed to be your job but since Y/N’s crash, I have to be that person and I’m sick of it."

"Well I’m sorry that my wife’s injuries are such an inconvenience to you," Sebastian rolled his eyes.

Kimi groaned in annoyance, "you are so fucking annoying without her."

"Thanks, I’ll tell Minttu you said that." Sebastian replied sarcastically, now having his phone in his hand.

"Go for it," Kimi shrugged. "When Y/N wakes up I’ll tell her how much of an arsehole you’ve been."

Seb ignored him and pressed his phone to his hear, waiting for his mother in law to pick up for an update.

He had finished P4 in the race that weekend and had gotten straight on a flight back to Switzerland, skipping his post race interviews in the media tent.

He hadn’t even called Y/N’s parents after the race for an update, instead settling for a simple text in the airport when he was boarding the plane; both of them were picking him up from the airport and taking him straight to the hospital, he was strangely looking forward to being able to see her again, even if she was still in a coma.

He was happy that his flight had quite literally flown by and was sitting in the car behind his in laws just twenty minutes after landing.

"How is she?" He immediately asked.

"She’s okay, the doctors have said she’s healing up nicely." Y/N’s dad told him, the news relaxing him a bit.

"Are you guys coming in?" He asked as he held the car door open, surprised when he saw them both shaking their heads.

"We’ll come by tomorrow, you should have some time alone with her."

Sebastian nodded and bid them goodbye, actually happy that they had chosen to do that because after not seeing her for a couple of days, some time alone was what he needed.

He practically ran through the hallways of the hospital, care workers saw him but chose not to reprimand him as they were aware of who he was and how eager he probably was to see his wife.

He exhaled heavily when he got to the closed door of her room, standing there for a few moments to calm down a bit.

When he pushed open the door, he got the shock of his life.

Y/N was lying there in her hospital bed with her leg still resting on a pillow as it had been for the last two weeks but this time, the top of her bed was raised to put her in a sitting position, she had oxygen tubes in her nose but her head was turned towards the door he had just walked through and she was looking at him!

She was clearly very sleepy and tired but her eyes were as open as far as she could hold them and she was looking at him with a sleepy smile on her face.

She blinked slowly at him for a moment as he stared before holding out her hand for him and he took that as his cue to move towards her.

"Hi baby," she mumbled through a smile, not really having the energy to say anything more but it was enough for Sebastian’s eyes to start watering as he collapsed onto the chair that was beside her bed, grasping her hand in his own.

He raised his other to her cheek and softly stroked the skin there, smiling through his tears as he felt her lean into his touch.

"Hi," he breathed in disbelief, "How long have you been awake?" He whispered, fearing if he spoke any louder it would hurt her.

"Before the race, I watched it," she told him as though she was proud of herself was waking up in time to see it.

"Yeah? What did you think?" He humoured her, not really wanting to talk about the race but it seemed to make her happy so he did.

"You did good," she told him, subtly rubbing her thumb across his hand.

Sebastian simply smiled at her, he wiped his face on his arm to get rid of his tears before looking back at her again with nothing but adoration in his eyes.

"I love you so much." He told her surely, as though she may have forgotten whilst she was in the coma.

"Ich liebe dich auch," she replied back softly making him laugh, she always said it in his native language because she thought it would feel more real for him to hear.

"Are you tired?" He asked when he noticed her fighting to keep her eyes open.

Y/N nodded slowly before looking at him. "Come and lay with me," she told him.

Sebastian shook his head softly even though he wanted nothing more than to cuddle with her. "That’s probably not a good idea, liebe."

"When has that ever stopped you?" She pouted but rose an eyebrow at him.

He couldn’t argue with her there so he got up from his seat, protesting when she tried to move and make room for him.

He climbed in next to her and lightly wrapped his arm around her, she scooted closer and carefully adjusted her top hand so that her head was resting against him.

Sebastian rested his head against hers, pressing a kiss into her hair. "Liebe?" He asked, earning a slight hum in return.

"Don’t listen to anything Kimi says, he’s a liar."

"Hm’kay, Seb." She muttered, already pretty much asleep.

"I missed you so much," he muttered against her, carefully tightening the arm he had wrapped around her,

He wouldn’t be letting her out of his sight again.

#formula one #fluff #motorsport #seb5 #formula one x reader #seb vettel #sebastian vettel #sebastian vettel x reader #f1 fanfiction #sebastian vettel x you #sebastian vettel imagine #seb

1K notes · View notes

savannahsdeath · 8 months

Note

HEAR ME OUT I HAVE A REQ!!!!

Sooo basically Ellie being the mafia boss and reader being her precious girlfriend that she (and basically the whole mafia gang) protects.... Idk it could be a fic or just a oneshot but I NEED MAFIA ELLIE IN MY LIFE

HEARING YOU OUT !!

MAFIA!ELLIE WILLIAMS X READER

mdni please<3

warnings: 18+!! just some typical mafia shit idk

writers note: focused more on life life than romantic life in this one BUT maybe, just maybe, I'll do a part2 with more love scenes (basically a smut)

being a housewife for your mafia boss girlfriend wasn't something you were dreaming about as a kid, but you like it. ellie's buddies are loud, suspicious, they make lots of inappropriate jokes or act all posessive but they would never hurt you. in fact, they won't let anyone hurt you.

today, just like every friday, she brings them home to play cards and talk. you, of course, had to clean the whole house. ellie didn't ask you to do that - her people weren't.. the cleanest people anyway, but you couldn't stand the thought of your guests finding a layer of dust on a shelf or a ball of hair in the bathroom.

the doorbell rings and you run up to greet them, and, mainly, see ellie. as you open the door, you're presented with a bunch of burly men and only one, but your favourite, woman.

"good evening, mrs williams." smiles the first one, before entering.

the feeling of being called by ellie's last name was still new to you, but it sent a warm feeling from your heart down to your stomach.

you stand back and watch as the men enter, filling out your living room. they seem more at ease than usual, and you're sure ellie is to blame. they greet you with a smile, before stepping aside to reveal ellie last.

"hey, babe." ellie says, as she wraps her arms around you and pulls you in close. she smiles up at you, with those green eyes of hers. she leans in for a kiss, and you gladly give in to her, feeling her soft lips on yours. you get lost in the moment, forgetting to breathe and not pulling away for a quite long time, only making a break when it's really needed.

"c'mon, ellie, or we'll start playing without you!" one of the men calls out from the dining table.

the men's voices in the background quickly fade away as you are consumed in the moment.

ellie, though, pulls away, and laughs. "i'm coming, i'm coming!" she shouts before letting go of you and walking towards the dining table, with you trailing behind her.

you happily take a seat on ellie's lap, as you both set your eyes on the deck of cards. as she shuffles the cards, you watch in adoration of her every movement. you are quickly snapped out of your trance when you felt something touch your leg, and you see ellie looking at you with a sly grin on her face.

she leans in and whispers; "don't move too much, 'kay?"

she winks and starts to deal out the cards.

usually you tried to avoid looking at ellie's cards - your 'poker face' wasn't really working and your reaction could make her lose. this time, you didn't pay attention to the rules, so you didn't have to avoid it. you didn't know wether her cards are good or useless anyway.

you find yourself not paying much attention to the game, instead getting caught up in the conversations around you. you happily listen to the others, learning more about their business dealings. you don't know much about poker or card games, and you aren't the best at lying, so you keep yourself out of the game.

you start to feel the warmth of ellie's soft, loving touches, as she plays with your hair or strokes your thigh.

the evening continues on with you, ellie and the other men playing a few rounds. you watch her intently, noticing every little detail about her body language and facial expressions. even you couldn't read her poker face, though.

you slowly reach for her hand, and begin to play with it a little, twirling her fingers.

that's one of the good sides of being a mafia boss's wife, but there's also the.. well, worse ones.

they visited you again and you could tell something's wrong straight ahead - it was tuesday. you came back from a walk to see a man tied to a chair in your kitchen. he had pieces of cloth wrapped around his head - one around his eyes and the other in his mouth, making him lose ability to see or speak.

"what do we do with him?" another man asked, one you knew from the friday evenings.

ellie was about to say something before she noticed you, awkwardly standing in the doorstep, scared and too surprised to move. she quickly grabs your arm and steers you out of the kitchen.

"it's okay, love. don't worry, it has nothing to do with you. just stay in the other room, alright? i'll come grab you in a bit. it'll be okay." ellie says reassuringly, as she leads you into the living room.

you hear the sound of the man in the kitchen making muffled sounds, as he struggles and squirms in his chair.

ellie sits you down on the couch, and then walks out of the room. you feel uneasy as you hear the man in the kitchen continue making sounds, but you sit quietly as ellie tells you to.

you watch as the door to the kitchen slowly closes behind ellie, and you hear muffled shouting and noises coming from inside. the others come into the living room, to check on you and see if you're okay.

"hey, everything alright? did ellie tell you what's going on?" one of them asks. "don't worry, it'll all be over soon. we just gotta deal with him quickly."

you can hear the muffled shouting in the kitchen continue, and the other men around you try to ignore it. as they discuss business deals, and joke about various topics, you continue to feel a pit in your stomach, worrying about what is happening in the kitchen. they don't seem eager to tell you what is going on, but they try to keep you distracted. one of them tries to joke with you, but you barely respond, as your mind is focused on what is happening in the next room. you start to feel sick, and your face starts to feel hot.

"what is she doing?" you ask quietly, but as soon as you realize your voice doesn't reveal your fear and confusion you add in a louder tone; "who is he?"

the room goes quiet, as the others hear you speak up. you can see some of the men exchange worried glances, but they still try to keep their composure in front of you. it doesn't do much to help you feel better, as you look at them with fear in your eyes.

the others look among themselves, as if asking what to do, before one of them speaks up. "you know this isn't really something you need to worry about," he says, trying to put a calming tone on his voice. "but since you ask, he's just a guy working for a rival gang. he was trying to get some information on us, so we need to... erm... make sure he won't do it again."

you notice how vague their answer was, as they try to keep you in the dark. at the same time, the meaning was painfully obvious.

you take a moment to process what the man said, before speaking up again. "but.. why here, in our house?" you ask, with your voice still shaky. "surely you must have your places to do... business?"

another man steps in to answer, trying to calm you down with words that sound too well rehearsed.

"no need to worry about a thing." the other man says, in an overly reassuring voice. "like i said, it isn't really your problem. you know, these guys always try to stick their noses where it doesn't belong. your girl here is just showing him the consequences of messing with the wrong people, alright?"

you feel like they are trying to brush off your concerns, and you doubt that they're being completely truthful with you. you knew it's probably just to protect you but you wanted to know everything.

the muffled shouting in the kitchen slowly dies down, and there's only occasional sounds of movement from inside - probably someone cleaning up the mess you could only imagine was done.

you are left feeling confused and anxious, unsure of what happened in the kitchen, or how this will play out.

later, when you were laying in bed in your lace nightgown which ellie loved seeing you in oh so much, you managed to get the tied up man out of your head.

that's what i should expect anyways, right?

ellie just came to the bedroom after taking a shower, her wet hair glued to her face. she kisses you on the cheek, before walking over and climbing onto the bed next to you. you look at her, and notice that something seems off about her behaviour.

"how did it go?" you ask, referring to the events that happened earlier.

ellie is taking her time in answering you, and you notice a slight hesitation in her voice. "it went... well. it's nothing you should worry about, love. besides..." she leans towards you and whispers; "i handled it, alright? you don't need to concern yourself with it." she plays with your hair, making it look like she's trying to distract both you and herself from thinking about it.

you watch as ellie's wet hair drips onto the bed. she continues to stroke your head, trying to give you the impression that everything is fine.

was it really fine? oh, well...

#ellie williams #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams x you #ellie x reader #ellie x y/n #ellie tlou #reqs open #ellie the last of us #mafia!ellie #mafia au #mafia!ellie williams #mafia!ellie x reader #mafia boss #mafia boss!ellie #mafia boss!ellie williams

770 notes · View notes

ickadori · 4 months

Note

Thinking bout Naoya with a male reader who gets over his own homophobia and shit while fucking him by justifying it’s not that bad if the guy’s wearing cute girly clothes.

Down for plowing another guy but only if he promises to wear a cute skirt or smth like that. Something something about getting off on emasculating other men and it being somehow “less gay” when the dick is attatched to something wearing a frilly skirt.

Idk I’m down bad and Naoya seems like he’d be pathetic like this

cws for male reader -> feminization. naobito walks in & naoya doesn’t stop. misogyny aka typical naoya. internalized homophobia.

Naoya curses the Zenin name and reveres it in the same breath — he hates his family and actively roots for their defeat in battle, but he’ll argue to his last breath about how the Zenin clan is the strongest, the most elite, how they would have long surpassed the Gojo clan if it wasn’t for that freaky, six-eyes having fuck.

The perks that come with being a Zenin are great and many; money, respect, power, women (if you’re into the pathetic things), and much more, but there’s a few drawbacks as well.

The traditions.

Those old, barbaric traditions and customs that had somehow survived into this day and age. The arranged marriages, the family practices, the rituals, the ceremonies, the taboo of same-sex coupling. That last one was especially important in the Zenin clan - Naoya had seen many a Zenin get disowned for being caught with their dick slotted up against another man’s, or some woman with her head between another woman’s legs. It wasn’t accepted under any circumstances, and even if Naoya was next in line for clan head, he’d meet the same fate if he was found with another man.

Not that he would ever be careless enough to be caught fucking a man, or that he would even fuck a man, because you weren’t really a man, not like how he was a man. You weren’t strong, you weren’t tough, you couldn’t hold a sword and you damn sure couldn’t exorcise a curse. Your body was soft where his was hard, your jaw curved where his was sharp, your skin free of scars from battle while his had a few here and there.

You cleaned and cooked - dusted the shelves and scrubbed the floors of the estate, folded the laundry and neatly put it away, tidied the bedrooms and the bathrooms, prepared his meals and brought them to him on a platter, took away his empty dishes and scrubbed them clean…just like the women and servants of the clan.

You would have made the perfect woman. You were meek, but not mute, you knew that your place was always behind a real man and you didn’t hate it, unlike the other woman who cried about it all being so unfair. Your cooking was a level above decent, you knew how to properly starch his shirts, and his room never had so much of a speck of dust floating around after you were done with it.

The only downside of you was the adam’s apple in your throat and the cock and balls between your legs - but even that could be overlooked if he dressed you well enough. A kimono with all the bells and whistles, a painted face, along with a feminine hair style and you looked no different from the women his father tried to arrange for him to marry — and when he fucked you in the solitude of his room you sounded just like them, too.

If Naoya could have you prancing around the estate in nothing but women’s lingerie and short, frilly dresses without you being executed in the front gardens he would, but he has to settle for dressing you up in the privacy of his room where prying eyes can’t see.

“This thing just really ruins the look.” Naoya mutters, his gaze trained on your cock that’s straining against the fabric of your panties. It’s a lacy red pair that’s fit snug against you, the fabric cradling a pair of plump balls and soft cock. He cups you and squeezes, ignoring the way you whine and shuffle on your feet. “Turn around.” He fondles you again before allowing you to turn, and his tongue swipes out to wet his lips as he admires the way your ass practically swallows up the fabric.

With one hand on each cheek he spreads your ass apart, a low hum sounding at the sight of your puckered hole, and he moves his thumb to circle around the rim, pulling a breathy moan from your mouth. If he were to reach forward he knows that he’d find your cock leaking and hard already, and the thought makes him snicker.

“Turn.” His palm collides with your cheek, his own cock stirring in his pants as he watches the globe of flesh ripple under his hand, and then his eyes are on the matching bralette you wear. “Your tits are getting bigger.” They’re not, obviously, but he likes the way you duck your head down and how hot your skin gets when he says it.

He meanly pinches at your nipples, pulling at the buds until they’re puffy and sore and your lashes are wet, your teeth sinking into your bottom lip to muffle your noises. He soothes them with slow rubs of his thumbs, and then he’s leaning forward to suck on them through the fabric, hands moving to grope and squeeze at your ass as he tugs you further between his spread thighs.

His cock is fully hard now, a bead of pre-cum forming at the uncut tip, and one hand leaves your ass to instead stuff venture into the drawer beside his bed. His fingers close around a small tube, and he pushes it into your hand before pulling his mouth away from your chest. “Spread yourself open for me.”

Naoya leans back on his elbows on the bed as he observes, eyes lidded as he watches you coat your fingers in lube, pull your panties down to your thighs, and move your arm behind you. “Tch.“ He can’t decide if wants to see your fingers stretching your ass open, or keep looking at the way your cock twitches and dribbles pre down to your balls. Naoya had never been interested in the sight of another man’s cock, they all paled in comparison to his own, until he had seen yours. It was small, smaller than his at least, and your balls hung close to your body, high, and it fit nicely in the palm of his hand in the rare times that he actually touched it, because he didn’t need to touch it to get you to come. The sensitive thing was spurting cum as soon as he got his cock in you.

“Naoya-Sama.” You gasp, knees buckling as you stumble forward, your lips parted due to your heavy pants as you fuck yourself with your fingers. “I’m -ah- I’m ready for you.”

“Keep going.” He ignores the impatient look on your face, instead leaning forward to wrap his hand around your length. You let out a choked moan and jerk into his fist, and he holds you still by your hip, hand freely gliding up and down your shaft. His thumb mushes down against your slit and smears your pre-cum around, and then he’s moving to squeeze at your balls, his eyebrows furrowing when he comes to the realization that he likes the weight of you in his palm.

He strokes you faster, too absorbed in the wet ‘shlick shlick’ of your cock to notice the footsteps that near his room. He’s close enough to smell you, and he breathes in the scent of the perfume that he had doused you in earlier - it’s sickeningly sweet, a scent that’s been popular among women recently, and while he had scrunched his nose up when he smelt it on them, he greedily basks in it now.

A cry of his name leaves your mouth and then you’re coming, cock twitching in his hand before spurts of cum shoot up to decorate your stomach, a bit of it dribbling over the backs of his fingers. As if in a trance, he leans forward, tongue darting out to lick a stripe up your stomach and collect your cum - it’s tangy, a bit salty, but not revolting, and he licks another broad stripe, his eyes raising to lock onto yours.

With your cum gathered on his tongue, he tugs you down until you’re straddling his lap, one hand moving to grip the back of your neck as he presses your mouths together. You suck on his tongue, matching groans leaving the both of you, and he fights to free himself from his pants, the door to his room sliding open just as his cock springs free.

“Naoya.”

“Busy.” He breaks the kiss to say, just to mash his lips right back to yours, free hand grabbing a fistful of your ass and lifting your hips. Your back is to the door, effectively hiding you away, but that doesn’t stop you from tensing in his lap as you register his father’s voice.

His fingers trail down to your hole, teeth painfully nipping at your bottom lip when he feels the shit job you did at stretching yourself out.

“What did I do to deserve having you disgraceful pigs for sons? You won’t marry the women I bring to you, but you’ll defile the servants left and right.” Naobito says, and Naoya pays him no mind, too busy focused on lining his tip up with your hole.

Your eyes widen in shock as you give a small shake of your head, and he grins into the kiss as he thrusts in with a quick snap of his hips. You yelp, forehead dropping to rest on his shoulder, and Naoya gives his father a bored as he trails his nose up and down the slope of your neck.

“Are you just gonna stand there and watch me fuck her?” Your skin burns hotter under his touch, and he pulls you impossibly closer, amusement threatening to overflow when he feels your cock plump up against his hard stomach.

“If you impregnate her, you’ll marry her, and you’ll be the shame of the Zenins’ - marrying a lowly housemaid, tch. You could never hope to be head of the clan.”

“It’s a good thing she only likes it when I put it in her ass then, isn’t it?” His fingers sink into the flesh of your ass, spreading you open so the sight of your hole fluttering around his fat cock is visible, and you whine into his shirt, hands fisting the material. “Don’t worry, old man, you won’t have to worry about any bastard kids anytime soon.”

Naoya has half a mind to spin you around and show you off to his father - show him the hard-on that you’re sporting and your flat chest, but that would cause all this to end a bit too soon, and he was growing quite a liking to you.

Naobito leaves soon after, insults spewed from drunken lips as he slams the door shut behind him, and Naoya is fucking up into you as soon as the door clicks into place. “You were squeezing around me so tight - you were scared, huh?” His back lays against the sheets as the heels of his feet dig into the mattress, hands locked around your waist to bring you down to meet his thrusts halfway.

You can’t talk past the moans leaving your mouth, but you manage a jerky nod, hands braced on his chest. “You’re so pathetic,” he groans, hands moving to pull you down so he can smack his lips against yours. The kiss is messy, tongues rubbing together and forcing drool to spill from the sides of your mouth. “Just like a woman. You need a protector, hm? A real man to keep you safe? Someone like me, yeah?”

“Yes,” you sob out, and he doesn’t have to check to know that you’ve came again, your cum wetting his shirt. His teeth sink into the skin of your shoulder, and his eyes roll as he stuffs his cock in deep, balls tightening and stomach rolling as he fills you full of cum, nails biting into the fat of your ass as he grips it.

His body relaxes into the mattress a few moments later, lips ghosting over where his teeth have left a mark, and hands softly kneading at your ass. “You don’t need to worry about any of that trash,” he talks low against your ear, rearranging the both of you so you’re lying on your sides, his arms keeping you close. “No one but me is allowed to touch you.”

His fingers find your puffy hole, and he pushes the cum back in that’s began to leak out, earning a tired moan in return. “No harm will come to you as long as I’m around.”

#naoya x reader #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut

205 notes · View notes

patito-oward · 9 months

Text

First Times

masterlist

WC: 1.8k

Summary: a first date with Pato

Tags: tooth rotting fluff

I wrote this all today, and I think it’s really cute, also could become a multi part series of like all the firsts with Pato, idk let me know what y’all think. please like and reblog i love y’all 🫶🏼🫶🏼

YN doesn’t know why she’s doing this. Dating always seems like more of a hassle than it’s worth. At the end of the day, she knows she’s doing it because of the voice in the back of her mind saying “what if he’s the one?”. The hopeless romantic in her is apparently winning, because despite how frustrating it is to get dressed up and look her best for a mediocre night filled with boring conversation, she’s still going.

She’s being set up with a friend of a friend’s brother, who’s honestly one of the most attractive men she’s ever seen, at least on his instagram. From what she knows about him she’s very apprehensive. He’s a famous race car driver, which has her hesitating in so many ways it’s hard to list them all, and his instagram honestly makes him look like a slut. Applying the finishing details to her makeup she steps back to take a final look at herself in the mirror and smoothes out her outfit. They’re going to a pretty fancy place, so she’s wearing a black satin maxi dress with black heels, simple yet elegant she thinks.

As her uber pulls up to the restaurant she quickly notices that all the cars in the parking lot are incredible fancy. She double checks her appearance in her phone camera before heading in. The host leads her to the table where he’s already waiting for her, but quickly stands up.

He reaches his hand out “Hi, I’m Pato.”

“YN, It’s nice to meet you.”

He grabs her chair and pulls it out for her, then quickly sits down across from her.

Pato was stunned as the woman that just sat down in front of him may be the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen. He’d never let her know this but he spent a borderline stalker ish amount of time scrolling through her instagram before going out with her. Dating was something that made him incredibly nervous.

When he was younger he didn’t date much because he was a bit of a late bloomer, and now he tries his best to avoid it. It’s not that he doesn’t want someone in his life, he wants it more than almost anything, it just seems so impossible with his lifestyle. He’s on the road for seven months of the year which makes it really hard to not only meet someone but maintain a relationship. It’s not that he doesn’t have his choice of gorgeous women, he’s never failed to find someone to spend the night with if that’s what he wants, but it usually only lasts a night. In the past year the few girls he’d been on multiple dates with had made it clear that they were more interested in his fame and money than him.

His sister had set him up with YN, she’s convinced that he’s lonely and needs someone to play matchmaker for him. At least one of those things is true. As he sat across from her now, all of his annoyance at Elba for making him go is fading away. She’s beautiful but not in a lip filler and face lift way, she’s got the prettiest smile he’s ever seen, and he can feel himself falling for her already.

He kicks himself as he can already see himself marrying and starting a family with her. It’s what he always tries to picture with other women but is never able to.

The restaurant has an incredible atmosphere to it. Candles on each table and dim lighting overhead setting the mood, and quiet classical music playing in the background. “I hope you weren’t waiting too long for me.”

“Oh, no I just got here. You look amazing by the way.”

She smiles and looks down at her lap, “Thank you.”

As she starts looking over the menu she sees that all of the food has a ridiculous name and description that you’d have to spend an hour trying to understand. She finally settles on some sort of salad, just hoping that it’ll be good. When the waiter comes over, Pato tries to show off by ordering an almost $200 bottle of wine for the table. Her jaw drops a bit as she starts to wonder how she’s going to afford to split this bill, she’ll have to put dinner on a credit card.

She can’t help but feel out of place in this environment, hands fidgeting with her dress the entire night. As the night goes on they learn more and more about each other, sharing anything and everything. From favorite color to deepest fears, if YN’s being honest, it’s the most she’s connected with a date in a while. Then they start telling about their families, and how they grew up.

She realized quickly that he grew up with more money than she did. As he talked about the large house he grew up in and his father’s job, she felt out of place all over again. She grew up in a small apartment in New York, always wearing hand-me downs and eating off brand cereal. It’s not like she was ungrateful, her mother gave her and her sister everything she could with what she had, being a single mother and all, but it did make her feel looked down on when she was around people who had so much.

Pato felt like a moron as she began to tell him about how she grew up. It wasn’t until she brought up her single mother and how she moved to texas with $35 in her bank account that he realized how uncomfortable she was. He noticed how she was playing with the extra fabric on her dress that bunched around her thighs, and how stiff her posture was.

“This isn’t really your place is it?”

She tries to shrug it off. “It’s a nice place.”

“But you’re uncomfortable.” It’s not a question but a statement. She nods her head and looks down at her lap sheepishly. “Man, I feel like such an idiot. I wanted to impress you, but it’s clear none of this impressed you and now I’ve made a fool out of myself.”

“Can we just get out of here?”

He sighs, knowing he fucked up the date and calls for the bill. When it gets there she starts digging through her purse to find her credit card.

“What are you doing?”

She looks at him confused, “Um, getting my card?”

“No I took you on this awful date, I’ll pay for it.” She wants to argue, but knows that she quite literally can’t afford to, so instead offers a hushed thank you.

When they walk out to the parking lot he tells her to at least let him drive her home, and she agrees. He walks her over to his car but stops right in front of it. “I guess this doesn’t impress you either.”

She stares at the light blue sports car, “Not really, no.”

He laughs self-deprecatingly, “Strike two, I’m on a role tonight.”

She climbs into the car, but doesn’t hesitate to look at him sideways when the door opens upwards. He starts to drive towards her apartment when she rattles off the address, he knows the area vaguely. They don’t say much on the drive home, the radio softly plays in the background, and she gives the occasional direction.

“Turn in here.”

“What?”

“Turn. In. Here.” He turns into an In-N-Out parking lot but looks thoroughly confused. “Go through the drive through.”

He does as she says and she orders for the both of them. As they pull up to the window to pay she pulls out her card. “The first part of the night was on you, let me get this part.”

”You’re not tired of this yet?”

“Well you still have a third strike.” He smiles at her as they accept the food from the second window. “The place was not so great, but the date wasn’t going so bad.”

“I’m so glad you’re giving me a second chance.” He pulls into a parking spot and they continue their date where they left off. They click so well, and YN knows that this definitely won’t be their last date.

“This is an american monstrosity.”

“How have you never tried it?”

“Come on, you’re messing with me.”

“No I’m not,” YN takes another fry and dips it into her shake, then holds it out to him. “Eat it.” He gives her an unsure look, but eats it anyways. He makes a show of eating it, but doesn’t say anything. “You liked it, didn’t you?”

“It’s not as bad as I thought.”

“Ha! You did like it.” She’s laughing at him even though there’s nothing to really laugh at, she’s just very happy.

He’s smiling at her also happy to be with her, “You look really beautiful.”

She’s not laughing anymore, but there’s still a smile plastered on her face. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

The smallness of the car has them close together anyways, but they’ve also leaned into each other. Pato’s voice is hoarse, “I really want to kiss you right now.”

YN closes the gap between them, and the kiss is everything a first kiss should be. She feels as if there’s fireworks going off in her stomach, and she’s a little dizzy. The kiss is soft and slow and sweet, his hand is resting on her face and caressing her cheek. YN has her hand resting on his shoulder. He tastes like chocolate and french fries and something else that she thinks she wants to be buried with.

When they pull away her head is swimming and she needs a moment to get her thoughts together. He’s the first to speak, “It’s getting pretty late I should probably take you home.”

“Yeah, you probably should.” but she makes no effort to move away from him.

He finally moves away from her, and he takes their trash to a can that was outside. They continue talking on the way to her apartment, the car less tense now. He walks her up to her door, but stops when they arrive. “Thank you for going out with me tonight, I had a great time.”

“I can honestly say I did, too.”

“So did I get a third strike, or am I going to get to see you again?”

“When we’re you thinking?”

“Tomorrow night?” He gives her a bit of a sheepish grin, really hoping she’ll say yes.

She tilts her head at him, “That quickly?”

“I don’t see the point in waiting,” he grabs her hand in his. “I won’t get much done anyways, I’ll be distracted thinking about this incredible girl I went out with.”

“Your flirting will get you far in life.” She turns her key in the door and opens it.

“Is that a yes?”

“Pick me up at 5.” He can’t believe his luck as she begins to shut the door and he turns away. “Oh, and Pato?”

He turns back towards her door, “Yes?”

“Bring a normal car this time.”

He laughs, and she breaks into a 1000 watt smile. “Yes, darling, whatever you say.”

#pato o'ward #pato o'ward x reader #pato o’ward fanfiction #indy car

152 notes · View notes

excalibur-gone-missing · 1 month

Text

Rakes never cry

Paring: joshua x you

Genre: angst, regency!au

warnings: mentions of sex

summary: idk its just sad

words: 817

a/n: I request each and every one of you to comment on this fic don't be a silent reader it helps me as an author to understand my readers and i would love to communicate with all of you. Constructive criticism is always welcomed by me so do talk about this fic or send me an ask. Plus, if you loved it enough don't forget to reblog, it will help me reach a larger audience.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone needs to tell Joshua that whatever he is seeing is wrong, that it’s not your form that is dancing with the man so closely on the floor.

It has been almost a year since he last saw you and he never thought that this is how the reunion with you would happen. But what rights does he have to stop you from dancing with this man you are enamored with, so enamored that you can barely shift your eyes away from him.

He thinks back to the time when it was him holding you that close, twirling you around the ballroom and hearing your beautiful laughs and talking to you in hushed whispers about some gossip he heard while playing poker with the other dukes.

Listening to you laugh when recounted an exceptionally funny story from his recent trip.

He thinks about all the nights he spent with you lying on a haystack at the back of his stable, smoking a cigar and talking about life and even though it was not the most ideal place to have heartfelt conversations, you both somehow made it work.

As he looks you, he notices how you at Jeonghan like he arranged in the stars in the night sky for you, like all the galaxy you hold your eyes were just stars burning with love for the man. He realizes that one year is indeed a long time, and a whole lot has changed in just a mere span of 365 days.

It took him just one afternoon to confess that he never loved you, that you were merely a fascination to him due to the off-limits nature of your relationship. It took him just one afternoon to throw away all those nights of laughter, all the evenings of passionate love making behind the theater while his friends were busy indulging in the new melodious shows with their betrothed or wives.

The thought of losing his status of as the nonchalant Casanova was too much for his foolish boyish mind to accept so he did what he was the best at he fled from the conflict. Never the one to think about consequences, or even about anyone but him, he could never fathom the great pain he caused you by leading you on and not only jeopardizing your probable engagement with other potential suitors but also make you the butt of all the apathetic gossip of the older women.

The minute he felt the presence of something brewing between the two of you that felt like it had deeper meanings than what he is accustomed to, he boarded on the first ship to Caribbean, to be as far away for you as he physically can. Only he never underestimated how strong the brewed feeling actually were.

Not one day went on his voyage when he did not think of you, even when he tried his very best to put the you named thought out of his head. Nights of intoxication and passion became a norm for him during his trip and new destinations and people kept him busy.

But still as he looked out of his cabin at the dusky setting sun, he felt the innate need to hold you close to him, to hear you voice calling out to him while he is beneath you making you feel levels of bliss you didn’t know you were capable of experiencing.

So, when he hopped off that ship on the coast of England the only name that echoed in his mind was yours. He knew he had made a mistake, but he had hoped that you would let it slide, that you would take him back into your loving arms like you always did.

But it seems like faith was reluctant to give him a second chance as he noticed you in the first ball of the season and realized that you had been successfully swept off your feet by someone else who was not him. As much as he would have loved to fight for you, he realized he had lost the battle even before it started, when he had left you stranding alone in the park with your bloodied torn heart on the palm of your hand and the emotions slowly bleeding out of your eyes.

Maybe he would have tried to jeopardize your relationship with Jeonghan, if not for the fact the man went ahead and collected all the pieces of your heart and sewed them together for you and filled those eyes that he hollowed out with the most beautiful galaxy that Joshua had ever seen.

Maybe if he had more courage, he would have tried to get you back but he doesn’t so he will stand here and toast you both and make sure his eyes don’t show too much emotions for he still has the reputation of a rake to hold up and rakes don’t cry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n; again i hope you guys liked it.

#svt #jeonghan #joshua #svt fanfic #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #svt fanfiction #seventeen x you #joshua imagines #joshua fanfic #joshua angst #joshua x reader #joshua x you #excalibur fics #seventeen #seventeen x reader #seventeen joshua #joshua hong

45 notes · View notes

midnightsslut · 7 days

Note

the whole cardigan/Peter parallels are messing my head can u explain

okay so peter is actually one of my favorite songs on the album for this reason! I think it has parallels to a lot of other songs, not just cardigan. the first thing to get out of the way is the cardigan lyric about peter and wendy: ‘tried to change the ending, peter losing wendy.’ now, that line doesn’t make a ton of sense because peter losing wendy is the ending of peter pan (idk I’ve never seen it and never thought I’d spend this long thinking about them), but I think what she’s saying is that he tried to change the ending of *their* story to peter losing wendy. peter loses her because she outgrows him, while he remains a ‘lost boy’ forever. the cardigan demo has an alternate lyric where peter actually *leaves* wendy. this does not happen in the original story, and to me, it reads like betty (eh, I don’t think those characters existed when she wrote that song, but bear with me) is accusing him of trying to change their fate by leaving her. peter is meant to always come back to wendy. *she* is the one who eventually leaves him. either way, cardigan ends with them together. yay for betty and/or taylor.

now, peter was written 3-4 years later, and it is the conclusion of a story about outgrowing someone despite truly wanting them back. the ending was not, in fact, changed. she did outgrow him. very sad. I actually want to go lyric by lyric, but I’ll put a cut just in case.

Forgive me Peter

My lost fearless leader

In closets like cedar

Preserved from when we were just kids

Is it something I did

the song starts with taylor trying to figure out what went wrong. did she do something wrong to crush these dreams of theirs? she kept him in a closet of cedar (where unmarried women kept their belongings that they would want to take with them after getting married) in her mind, but things didn’t work out anyway. the first line being ‘forgive me, peter’ indicates that she is the one who pulled the plug, and she’s apologizing for it. again, she isn’t entirely sure what went wrong, which, to me, is a clear parallel to how did it end.

The goddess of timing

Once found us beguiling

She said she was trying

Peter was she lying

My ribs get the feeling she did

when they first met, the timing seemed to be perfect for their relationship (‘the goddess of timing *once* found us beguiling’), but that didn’t last. the goddess of timing claimed that she tried, but nothing could save them. taylor even wonders if she lied, which suggests a lack of faith in higher powers like fate or deities. this verse introduces timing as a major conflict in the story. ‘are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these?’

Said you were gonna grow up

Then you were gonna come find me

Words from the mouths of babes

Promises, oceans deep

But never to keep

peter went away, but he promised to come down once he was ready for a relationship. yes, this kind of applies to both of the main storylines on the album. you could take this to mean that they actually broke up a decade ago but promised to get back together, or you could assume there was some sort of break to their relationship, which she and joe did have. i kind of took it to mean that he wasn’t fully committed to the relationship, but he promised to be eventually. again, the renegade lyric, but also ‘i’m a fire, and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come’ and ‘I’d hold you as the water rushes in,’ both of which are grand promises that neither party could keep.

Are you still a mind reader?

A natural scene stealer

I've heard great things Peter

But life was always easier on you

Than it was on me

he is charismatic. his magnetic field is a little too strong. he can read people. but he’s also fragile and inexperienced (‘he was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsman’). he may be able to read people, but things have been way too easy for him to ever understand a truly hurt person fully.

And sometimes it gets me

When crossing your jet stream

We both did the best we could do underneath the same moon

In different galaxies

And I didn't want to hang around

We said it was just goodbye for now

this is the thesis statement of their relationship to me. obviously, there’s the call it what you want parallel, but more importantly, it shows that the two people really wanted this to work. they just came from completely different places in their lives and perhaps the entire universe. this verse seems to reference the epilogue (‘resentment rotting away galaxies we created’ / ‘some stars never align’). they learned the right steps to different dances, if you will. she knew he needed time, so she left temporarily.

And I won't confess that I waited

But I let the lamp burn

As the men masqueraded

I hoped you'd return

With your feet on the ground

Tell me all that you'd learned

Cause love's never lost when perspective is earned

she does get with other men, but she keeps longing for him. she wishes that he would return with a grasp on reality and be the man she needs. if anything, the time away would give him the perspective he needs to ground himself. interesting parallel to ‘I said I don’t mind / it takes time’ in loml.

And you said you'd come and get me but you were 25

And the shelf life of those fantasies has expired

Lost to the lost boys chapter of your life

Forgive me Peter, please know that I tried

To hold onto the days when you were mine

But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light

this is just devastating to me. well, first of all, both matty and joe were 25 when they first met her, which, lol. the dreams they had together have expired now. it’s been too long. she cannot keep holding onto a love from almost a decade ago. he took too long to return. he lost his lifelong dreams to what was only supposed to be a chapter of his life. she tried to hold onto the days when he was hers, and everything was right, but she had to turn out the light at some point. this is the moment when she gives up on their relationship. she apologizes for abandoning the ship, but she must do it.

overall, I think peter is a story about two people who genuinely did everything they could to be together, but their needs and their growth no longer aligned. there’s a sense of acceptance and lingering fondness here. she did everything she could not to bolt, but the ending was the same.

#peter #loooove this song #cardigan #ttpd

23 notes · View notes

green-alien-turdz · 1 month

Note

started autistically vibrating the second i read your answer lmfao. i was thinking cartman or tweek myself tbh, those bitches are both just PRIMED for it imo. i tend to lean towards a lot of abduction experiences being some kind of extreme reaction to other earthly trauma, but that really doesnt seem to fit every account so idk what the fuck is going on. god though dude *puts on homemade MUFON lanyard* i am SO SO SO CURIOUS to hear about your/your fam's weird experiences if you ever wanna share, i saw some questionable shit when i briefly lived out in Ohio myself. gone back and forth on the legitimacy of it all over the years, one of those things that's like, the more you research the less you Know.

Okay bro, I gotchu. I NEVER get to talk about this shit so imma fuckin go wild

Ight, so legit everybody in my mfin family got some shit to say- I tried to pry my brother's experiences outta him, but he is dogshit about answerin questions. Just know that he got some stories from when he would go campin n shit (even though he has funny ass stories from when he was outta his mind fucked up, there's still a lotta sober experiences he's got too)

1st, my dad: his stories are kinda vague too bcuz we don't talk, but from what he has told me in the past, he has 2 moments in his life he was certain was alien activity. Both of these take place in Texas (but when he was still livin in Ohio, he did say he'd seen some weird shit). The first is when he was movin to Oregon, n he was drivin late at night through Texas. Not a soul on the mfin road n he's in buttfuck nowhere. He said that there was this huge fuckin flash of light from above n his truck completely shut off. Like, the mf was still rollin at the same speed, but nothin it was like the car itself just kinda switched off (no engine, no lights, no music, nothin). He's tryin to start it up over n over, not really sure what the hell was goin on- so he's tryna pop the clutch seein as he was still movin. But this shit would NOT turn the fuck over. Until after he was gonna give up, slowly brake n just pull off to the side, but before he even attempted, the truck starts up again n continues on like nothin even happened.

His second experience I don't remember as well, so sorry about that. If I fuckin recall my dad n his band were just finishin up a show n were just chillin behind the bar smokin. One mf points out that there's this weird fuckin plane over some buildings on the horizon. Like, it just wasn't movin right? He said it seemed to be movin in a really slow zig zag pattern (but it wasn't like a drone, this this was way too big n it was the mid-90s). They kinda brush it off bcuz it's late as hell n they're all pretty shitfaced. But he said that it lasted in that area for about 10 more minutes, just movin back n forth until he looked away for a minute n it was just gone.

He's also told me about how on his late night drives in dead places, he's seen a shit load of random light infront of him shootin into the ground, n this is especially fuckin freaky to me bcuz I got a very similar thing that happened not that long ago. It's explained in my individual experience.

My mom n grandma: My gma might have some more, I feel like she had told me somethin. This one is backed by both my mom n my gma (although my uncle was here too, he just doesn't associate w/ the family so maybe he'd have some input). My gma used to drive from across the whole U.S. ALL the fuckin time when my mom was growin up, like they always had these roadtrips bcuz my gpa was an abusive pos n they'd escape back to my greatgrandparents place. So they're in the more of the desert states (like New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, I just can't remember which). My mom is probably about 10 or so. It's full on daylight, unlike every other story I got, this is the only one where it is broad fuckin daylight out. There's nothin but desert for miles, it's just a long beige stretch. So when my mom saw somethin just hoverin in the sky, it stuck out like a sore thumb. My mom calls it out, which causes everyone in the car to just watch it. My gma doesn't stop drivin, but she slowed down quite a bit, n she says that thing just fuckin sat there. Like, no movement whatsoever. It didn't look all that much like a plane, but they couldn't make out defined details. All they knew is that there is this plane adjacent aircraft just hoverin in the middle of the desert. They'd never seen anythin like it, despite all of them bein raised on military bases n seein a lot of kinds of military aircrafts (which is why this was ruled out). They kept drivin off but my mom said she just watched it through the window as it became smaller n smaller until it got too far away to see- but that shit never moved. It just remained hoverin in that same place.

Ight, Imma get into my experiences now, I got two with people n one that's on my own (that one is long as SHIT).

The first one is with me n my sisters (home in Oregon): This is around 2015-2016. It's the middle of the night in late April. We were chillin bcuz it was one of my sisters bdays n we were just talkin n watchin the stars. Now we live right next to an airport, so there are a shit ton of planes that go over, even late at night- but you can always tell those bcuz of the red lights n they're usually not that high up yet. We were just talkin tryin to find constellations bcuz it was a clear ass night. At some point we see these two lights. They're contained in these circular shadows WELL into the sky, but we could still make out a vessel that the light were on. 4 light on each circle. They're goin up n down the night sky back n forth completely parallel, so it seems like they're together. At first we were losin our shit, not able to explain what we were watchin. After some rational thought, we were like 'mfer we see satellites in the sky all the time, that's probably what these are' bcuz they were fuckin zoomin through the sky. We even see satellites pass over, but we kinda notice that they move n look a LOT different than the lights we were watchin. But every satellite's different yknow? That is until these mfs, the completely parallel movin in tandem lights all of a sudden both separate n go fuckin zoomin away from one another in the opposite direction. No longer up n down, but left n right. And then they're just fuckin GONE. Like, they sped off n never returned to the place they'd been for like 20 or so minutes. (Now I am willin to admit, that very well could be satellites, but it's still weird as fuck).

Here's one with me n my dad: This is around 2019. We were out in Utah, middle of the desert. This time it's probably closer to like 10-11pm. We were kinda just doin our own thing, sittin, thinkin about shit. When outta the fuckin blue, we notice this weird ass aircraft. Like, it low flying, large enough to be a fuckin cargo plane (doesn't look like one though), n movin super slow with a BRIGHT fuckin light slowly phasin in n out, illuminatin the craft. We're both losin our shit watchin this bcuz neither of us know what the fuck we're lookin at. Now this this was low enough that, if it were a plane, we would've heard it. But it was movin at the same speed which planes always appear to be when they're thousands of feet into the sky. But this was maybe 200 or less feet up. It was a really thick, aircraft that was slightly triangular in shape, but still pretty bulky. We couldn't see any engine or shit like that. We are legit fuckin shoutin like mad men, chasin this thing. At some point we try to call over the rest of the family, but we're slowly losin our visual on this thing. Everyone else is tryna look in the sky as my dad n I make a mad dash tryna keep an eye on it as it went behind some structure. But the second we got to a place where it should've been seen on the other side, based on its flight path, this thing was fuckin gone. Like, nowhere in the sky. It was like it was never there. To this day not sure what the fuck we were watchin bcuz we followed it for a good while, just for it to vanish.

Okay, now onto my final encounter (warning, this is a LONG mf bcuz it just happened in January, so it's fresh on my mind): I had decided to drive out to Sauvi island at like 1 am because I really wanted to go out and watch the water. But it was like the foggiest night in existence. It was during that period in January where every night was covered in this thick, heavy fog. I wasn't gonna let that stop me though. Even if I could barely see the road and almost crashed like 5 different times, I was determined. The drive itself was kinda ominous, but shit didn't start gettin weird until I actually reached Sauvi's. The second I reach the island, something just feels off instantly. I mean, no one's on the road of course, it's late, it's foggy. But I mean, it was DEAD. There was an alarming amount of roadkill everywhere (like fresh roadkill), and the entire island reeked of fuckin death, skunk, and mold. So I keep fuckin driving and just get the sense that someone was following me, like on my ass tailing me, but there wasn't any other cars or nothing. But I had the window down and swear I could hear some shit close to me. I'm driving and manage to miss my turn off to the beach. Here's where shit genuinely starts getting weird. Lights. Unexplainable lights ALL over. Now if this was a more populated area, I would assume some of this was street lamps, but the island doesn't really have that many (they have them in front of some buildings, but the roads are lightless). I kept seein "headlights" coming around turns that didn't exist. And when I should've been passing them, there was nothing there and the lights were gone. Okay, weird, but maybe it was my headlights reflection on the fog. Then I see fuckin taillights. I get confused because it looks like a car going up a hill, and I brushed it off before realizing that it was a wide open, flat road, and there was no hill or car in sight. I watched the lights turn into nothing and they were gone. At this point, I'm freaked out, but I'm still finding my way back to the beach. I manage to loop back around to the entrance of Sauvi's so I can take the right turn this time. When I tell you that the smell is worse and I even notice more roadkill. I would've seen any other cars on the road, but there was fuckin no one. And I know damn well that I wasn't the one who hit them. But I brush that off because I'm every white person in a horror movie. Not too long after, I saw the final unexplainable light I'd see that night. There was this small-ish, but abnormally bright light just kinda bobbing up and down infront of this post. I assumed it was some weird reflective thing, but as I approached it, it went up and then shot into the ground- the light completely disappearin into the ground. After I saw this, the feelin of bein chased was at a 100%, like I was stressin. I finally took the right turn, and there's this one fuckin shadow in the fog that I'm TELLING you looked like this tall fucking figure walking about. I legit stopped dead in my tracks to watch it, but this feeling of dread came over me, and I sped off. I finally make it to the beach, but I think I stayed for maybe 5 minutes or less? There was an extremely menacing feeling. Like it was THICK. I couldn't see the water it was so fogged out. I mean, it was beautiful. But it truly felt like I was being watched. There was little to no sound until I heard coyotes fucking EVERYWHERE. Like an insane amount. I head back to the car and they seem to shut up. I absolutely dipped the fuck outta there.

Now it is important to note with Sauvi's that there is maybe a supernatural element into that. Seein as Sauvi's, like most of Oregon n the U.S. was home to Native Americans (Chinook Indians specifically) n as we know, mfs just weren't allowed catch a break (to put things lightly). So there is more than likely some unrest in the energies n life of the island.

But yeah, there's a small collection of experiences in my family. I'd LOVE to hear your shit from Ohio. That place has some strange shit goin on there, like genuinely. Everytime I went to vist my dad's mom, that place just feels like somethins goin on there

#asks #i will say tho when i finally did make it to the beach #i had the best piss of my life #i swear a majority of that 5 minutes was me pissin in the sand

28 notes · View notes

honakito · 2 months

Note

hiiiii😁 idk of yours request is open but i wanted to ask for a mmj! reader x akito😞 hope youre okay with thisss, bye kisses and hugs 🫶😊

-⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀MORE , MORE ⠀⠀⠀. . . ⠀⠀⠀more more JUMP !

authors babbles . . ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀i freaking LOVE THIS ! !

MORE! MORE! - prod. honakito

posted as : request

chars : s. akito

type : x g/n ! reader

scenario : akito with an idol (specifically more more jump) reader ( headcanons )

taglist : @finanah ( ask to be added )

affiliated with : @virtualbookstore

notes : OH MH GOD i am SO SORRY for dipping this whole month and not doing this request sooner you probably forgot about it hhh,,,… no joke i was procrastinating this whole month since i am signed up for the math olympics ( i got a 20/28 at the local phase and now im in for the city phase) then i also have national phase if i qualify so requests are gonna take much longer… but still THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTHING THIS AAA!! AND AGAIN IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG

notes 2 : so im actually working on a canon character only series. the only thing ill reveal about it is that it is a crossover with one of my current hyperfixations (they go brrr brrr brbrbr) so mist of my attention will be focused on it (requests will take longer in this case) and other shit BUT!!! ill alao try to finish the masterlists befpre my blog gets bigger so it is easier for me to arrange shit YKNOW ,,, and also the last time i posted here i barely got any REACH. like it was embarrassing omfg i dont want that to happen again so this is probably why i was hesitant on posting again but were cool gang ,, and i aslo have to revamp most of my posts kms

date : 26 / 02 / 24 - 10 / 03 / 24

well , he doesnt really care.

wait , what?

dont get him wrong , tho! when he first found out you were also interested in the music field , he was ecstatic in his own way. so , he asked some questions.

to realize youre the fifth member of ‘ MORE MORE JUMP! ‘ tho? that was a shocker! he never really put the puzzle pieces together.

not because he isnt capable of doing so , he just doesnt really.. care, about idol groups. it was never akitos type of music genre.

sure , he saw a few posters here and there , but never observed them as a whole. the only one he recognized on those was airi , because of enas childhood friendship with her.

and when you first came to kamiyama , he never really eavesdropped on any conversations about you. wasnt that normal? for everyone to talk about the new student! why was he the only one that didnt know you were a known idol?

isnt that a good thing , tho?

because akito didnt know of your passion , you saw right through him that this is actually how he feels. figured out that he saw you as an average human being , and not someone you only see on the outside , on a screen.

you were more glad for his oblivion , rather than mad.

but back on topic.

for a little while , he didnt know. but after? he seemed more cautious for you.

he knows the things you have to go through in the idol industry — he isnt stupid.

so for your sake , hes more supportive.

youll never notice it , but he will watch each and every livestream your group will hold after finding out. ofcourse , on a whole different account , while hes alone — he does not need teasing from neither you , mizuki , ena or an.

and the same goes for your social media posts , he always tries to be the first one to like.

also pay close attention to his playlist — suddenly , a few of ‘ MORE MORE JUMP! ‘ s songs are there! but not the whole discography , hes still getting accommodated with the genre.

so after a while — he gets comfortable.

hell always show up to the shows you will host. at first , he will seat in the back , so you dont notice him. but with a little bit of time , you will always spot him easily in the front rows , but he has too much pride to admit it. half of it , he will say ena dragged him with her. but what about the times he shows up alone? when theres no big sister , or no extra ticket from kohane?

if you figure it out tho , hed gladly accept any ticket you give him. doesnt matter if general or backstage access — your performances are moments that he holds close to him , outside of RAD WEEKEND.

and even if it seems like he doesnt care — he will always cheer on you from the sidelines.

begging the x reader gods to show this under the tag this time

div. arent mine ; please do not use my work for own uses , includes : reposting and claiming as their own , heavily inspiring off a long term fanfiction , etc , etc .

#written : surpassed angelic #virtualnetwork #project sekai #pjsk #pjsk x reader #akito shinonome #akito shinonome x reader #x reader #akito vbs

50 notes · View notes

pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 3 months

Text

My Old man's tale about benetint (product) & review:

in summer 2008 i was 14 & my best friend's family took me to Vegas w them. she had only just moved to my school for 9th grade & i hadn't met her older sister til this trip. She was 21 & soooo insanely beautiful like if barbie was a hollister model she had the look so refined in every sense, i was dazzled by her.

& she was so sweet to us, my friends parents went & did their own thing so the whole trip we spent with her but she wasn't annoyed about it at all she seemed content to hang w us & protect us from vile men along the strip.

On this trip i went to sephora for the first time. hadn't heard of it before. it had huge windows so everything was glowing from sunlight & it was sooo overwhelming. my friend's sister liked this brand benefit so i picked out a little starter kit that came w bad gal mascara, high beam highlighter, booing concealer, and benetint.. Let me tell you for the next year i cherished this kit like it elevated me a new level towards Prestiged Adult Woman status. but the makeup was noticeably nicer quality for sure! from my memory at least.

the thing i remember most was benetint cus i wore it soooo much for the rest of the summer & beyond, i stretched that tiny bottle as far as it wld go cus i luved it sm.. but after it ran out i never tried to use it again idk just being a teen moving onto the next thing. But lately i jst rly wanted a goood lip tiiiint cus i dont wanna b wearing lipstick or gloss all the time its too much i just want chapstick but i like a little more color too.. usually i wld use lip liner but it always felt like it wld smudge off so quick n its kinda drying.

so i tried benetint again bcus i remember it being so easy to put on n then just forget about, it didnt get on ur clothes or teeth or nothin. after wearing for a couple weeks i can say this is still tru! i rly like it, very convenient, chapstick goes gr8 over top so my lips r never dry from it. its kind of expensive but it lasts a long time , for me i dnt have much makeup rn so felt nice to get st i actually use ^^ the taste & smell of it are mildly rosey, rly brings me back to those times..

being in vegas those 4 days w my friend n her sis are definitely a core memory for me it was totally surreal. i wish i had photos still but no clue where to find them, my friend's fb account got hacked years ago n had to get deleted, so many photos gone </3 we stayed at treasure island & across the street was this huge mall that was repeatedly playing an ipod commercial with the song Shut Up & Let Me Go by the ting-tings, like... ON REPEAT, ALL DAY & ALL NIGHT, so that song gives me the wildest flashbacls like i'm literally There. In the august heat. i can smell it like. its amazing thank you advertising :)

this is not an ad btw i mean obviously LOL i honestly just got thinking so hard about vegas '08 after purchasing The Product. oh yeah there was thunderstorms too... i went to hot topic at the mall which was wild for me since they didnt have one any where near my town.. i got some shorts from hollister i remember, also a rarity. friends sis got me my first ever drink, a peach daquiri...just one <3 it was such a nice break from my woeful home life lol i wanted to live in america so bad after this xD

thats my story...o and benetint is chill i mean i genuinely wanted to recommend it to ppl who want st simple it looks rly pretty cus until this i was struggling to find anything worthwhile. theres other shades too. Yup. Thanksyou for reading my LiveJournal Entry tonight minasan ^_^ Hope you're well x

-PMD9

#frossworld #pochitareviews

47 notes · View notes

daddy-dins-girl · 7 months

Text

Framed Around My Heart

Masterlist

AO3 link

Fandom: The Last of Us (HBO Universe)

Pairing: (platonic) Joel & Ellie

Summary: “We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

OR,

The first time Joel tells Ellie he loves her.

Word Count: 9.3k

Warnings: Swearing (it's Ellie y'all). Angst. Hurt & Comfort. PTSD Ellie. Briefly mentioned past violence. Joel and Ellie both being bad at feelings. Soft!Dad Joel (consider your ovaries warned!).

Notes: Takes place right after Season 1 ends. Joel and Ellie are back in Jackson. Idk when Ellie's birthday is, so I made one up...

They had settled in Jackson for a week now. Gotten the lay of the land, chosen their own house just across the street from Maria and Tommy’s, and soon would be assigned their first work details. Ellie was more than disappointed to learn that she was apparently “not old enough” to go on patrol duty and after a huge outburst towards the council that ended with Joel all but dragging her out of the building as she yelled at them that they were “fascist fucks” who could all “go to hell”, she’d eventually managed to calm down, but that didn’t mean she had to agree with them. She’d hated the idea of Joel going out there without her, almost as much as she hated the idea of herself being stuck in here without him; no matter how safe it was behind the walls. They needed each other, she told herself. It’s how they’d survived as long as they had. Unfortunately for her, Joel was assigned exactly that - Patrol Duty. Ellie had been tasked with stable duty. Readying the horses for the riders to take out which meant typically getting up extra early in the mornings, but on the bright side she didn’t have to speak to anyone and she was pretty sure all the horses loved her hilarious jokes she told them, unlike a certain surly old man she cohabited with who clearly was absent the day they were handing out senses of humor.

At least, she thought absently, she didn’t have to go to school. Yet. It was near enough for summer break to start that Maria had felt there wasn’t much point in her enrolling for a couple of weeks just to have three months off immediately. ‘Thank fucking Christ, finally some good news’, Ellie had muttered in response, earning her a disapproving glare from Joel. ‘Right, my fucking manners, Jesus, sorry’, Ellie responded, which just resulted in Joel tossing his hands up in the air, exasperated and Maria folding her arms across her chest. ‘What? I said sorry! That’s like, the definition of manners, how am I the asshole?’

Yep, they were settling in just fine.

…

Ellie hated days Joel would go on patrols. They were too long and the house too quiet with him not in it. Being alone with just her own thoughts as company was never good, she had soon figured out. At first she tried to just sleep the day away when he would be gone but it seemed she wasn’t able to sleep without him anywhere more than a few metres away from her. When they’d first moved in they both tried to be normal fucking human beings and sleep in their own rooms and their own beds but not less than an hour after they’d said their goodnights on their first night in Jackson Ellie had roamed out of her room to seek out Joel ‘just need to make sure the old fucker didn’t croak in his sleep or something’ she had reasoned with herself, only to take one step outside of her room and nearly trip over Joels legs sprawled on the floor as he had apparently set himself up just outside her bedroom door, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall.

“We’re pathetic” Ellie sighed, sliding down the wall to sidle up next to him, head instinctively leaning onto his shoulder.

“Totally” Joel had sighed in agreement.

Shortly afterwards they had fallen asleep just like that, sitting on the floor, limbs spread across the hallway, and Joel’s back cursed him for it the following morning.

The next night, and for nearly two weeks afterwards, they had set up camp in the living room instead; mattresses on the floor just a few feet apart, Joel always closest to the front door, just in case but also out of habit. Finally, and maybe after Tommy had wandered in early one morning and teased them endlessly about having “sleepovers” and whether or not they braided each others hair too, they had agreed to try sleeping in their own rooms and most nights it went off without incident. Other nights however, Ellie would wake up covered in a sheen of sweat and flailing her arms wildly only to open her eyes suddenly and see Joel looming above her, grabbing onto her arms to try and still her and speaking calmly to her, hushing her. Whispered “babygirl’s” and “I got you’s” and “it’s me, it’s ok, you’re ok’s” whispered into the harsh darkness of her bedroom, reminding her of where she was until he’d brought her back down to earth and she’d settle again. She hated those nights. Hated feeling helpless like that, and like she was a little kid that needed coddling after her bad dreams, but dammit all if she didn’t immediately allow Joel to wrap her up in his willing embrace each time, seeking comfort in the warmth he provided. She could feel embarrassed about it in the morning, that could be Tomorrow Ellie’s problem because in the moment, Joel’s comfort was everything she needed and she’d take everything he offered.

The dreams tended to all be more or less the same. Winter. Snow. Fire. Smoke. Blood. David’s face; or what was left of it after she’d bludgeoned it unrecognizable with a very large knife. On nights where the dreams decided to be particularly cruel, she’d lose her battle against David. Those were always the most jarring to wake from and took her an extra long time to be able to fall back asleep afterward, if she could at all. Thankfully her dreams didn’t always cause her to scream or throw a fit in her sleep so she didn’t always wake Joel. Sometimes she seemed to just suffer through them quietly with a few muffled whimpers and tosses and turns in the bedsheets and Joel was none the wiser until she’d come down for breakfast and he’d notice the darkness under her eyes and could tell she had a fitful sleep. Despite not always waking up thrashing from them, she always remembered her dreams the next morning; whether she wanted to or not.

However the dream she had last night was somewhat new territory. She’d had it a few times in the past, but after nearly 2 months in Jackson now it seems to be happening more and more frequently, almost more so than her David nightmares. It differed slightly, night to night, probably because she didn’t have factual evidence to pull from, but it was always the hospital in Salt Lake City. Fireflies, Raiders, Marlene, Joel, and a hell of a lot of bloodshed. Each time she’d wake up from this dream in particular her head felt fuzzy, unsure. She hated not knowing what actually happened that day, maybe she’d be able to process it better if she had (not that she was exactly processing the whole David fiasco, she argued to herself). Joel had left out a lot of details. “Raiders attacked the hospital, I barely got us out of there” and that was it. And any time she’d asked him about it since he’d immediately shot her down and sternly told her not to bring it up again. Did he not realize that only stoked her inquisitiveness further? Has he met her?

She’d had the dream again last night only Joel had been one of the Raiders in her dream this time, slaughtering everyone in his path and she awoke only when he reached her, lying helplessly strapped to a medical bed with Raider Joel holding a gun tight against her temple.

Paging Dr. Freud, anyone?

She didn’t know what the hell any of it meant, she only knew she had to get to the bottom of whatever had happened in that hospital.

And so that was what was currently on Ellie’s mind today as she sat in the small window seat of her bedroom, knees pulled up to her chest as her gaze was locked to the outside, watching the small but bustling community of Jackson on this hot August afternoon. The sun was still high in the sky which meant it would be hours before Joel returned from patrol duty. Which meant hours Ellie would be here alone, with only her own thoughts as company.

Like she said, she hated days Joel was on patrol.

A knock on the front door a few minutes later pulled Ellie from her reverie and she quickly scooted off the window seat and headed down the stairs to answer it.

Swinging the door open, confusion crossed Ellie’s features as her eyes landed on a woman she had scarcely recognized. It was an older woman, Mrs. - something or other, Ellie couldn’t be bothered to remember. Parker? Patterson? Definitely a P name. Ellie recognized her as one of the town council members that she had had that delightful meeting with just shortly after her and Joel’s arrival. Given by the less than impressive look this woman was giving her right now, she remembered it as well and must’ve drawn the short straw today to come here to… well, what exactly was she her for?

“Is it Joel?” Ellie blurt out suddenly, panic evident in her tone. “Did something happen, is he OK?”

The woman looked confused for a second and then suddenly let out a small laugh and waved her hand dismissively.

“Oh heavens no, nothing like that Dear, I’m sure everything’s fine. I’m here on official town business. For you, actually, Miss Ellie”

“Oh…” Ellie’s face scrunched up at that. Ellie didn’t have any official fucking business with anyone. Other than being an official pain in Joel’s ass.

“I understand you will be enrolling in school this Fall” the woman began in way of explanation and Ellie nodded slightly. Don’t fucking remind her.

“Well I have here your registration form you’ll need to fill out and have your…” she paused, looking a little helpless, as most adults did when they tried to discern just who exactly Ellie and Joel were to each other.

“Have Mr. Miller,” she settled on instead, “sign it and then you bring it along with you on your first day so we can file it away in your record. I know we are a few weeks away yet but I like to get these out early”

“Oh, um, ok I guess…” Ellie shrugged, reaching out and grabbing the single piece of paper.

“Just a little formality” the woman waved her hand again. “You know, we need your basic information and things like that, just so we have it on hand, should anything come up and we need it”

Ellie wondered briefly then why Maria hadn’t dropped it off, or even had Tommy do it if she was too chicken shit.

“Just making my rounds to all the new students today” the woman explained, as if she’d been reading Ellie’s mind.

“Right” Ellie nodded. “Well uh… thanks, for the homework before school even fucking starts” she mumbled the last part under her breath but given by the tiny gasp and look of horror that flashed across the woman in front of her, Ellie’s certain she heard her.

“Alllllllrighty then. Take care then, bye bye now” Ellie quipped, slamming the door in the woman’s face. Something she’d seen recently in a movie that Joel had shown her that had her in a total fit of giggles for the entire night.

Ellie wandered back into the house and dropped the piece of paper to the coffee table before flopping herself down onto the sofa. She bent over the table to have a look at what information she’d need to be giving out before she decided whether she’d bother trying to find a pen to fill it out now or if she’d push it off to later.

Name. Ok, easy. Date of Birth. Well, she’d had a general idea. Would writing just the month and year suffice, she wondered absently. Known Allergies. The thought of writing “learning, via fascist institutions” crossed her mind and she laughed a little to herself but then remembered Joel had to sign off on it so she better not. Dude could be such a killjoy. Next? Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Pass? Joel, she’d guess was technically her Guardian? Whatever that meant. Why wasn’t there just a spot for “other human being reluctantly tasked, due to unfortunate fucking happenstance, with keeping you alive” Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Also pass. The only other person in this godforsaken town she even liked speaking to besides Joel was in fact not a person, but a horse named Shimmer. And she didn’t think quadrupeds counted for emergency contacts.The whole notion of Ellie being in an actual emergency and some townsperson running to the stables to tell Shimmer all about did give her a bit of a chuckle though. She made a mental note to jot that down in her notebook, maybe make it into her own little comic series.

Finally at the bottom, a signature line for “Parent and/or Guardian”. There it was again, taunting her, laughing at her.

In the end Ellie decided that no, today was not the day she would fill any of this out. She couldn’t answer half of it anyway, so what was the point. Stupid school. Even shitty FEDRA school knew not to ask orphans stupid fucking questions like this. Ellie folded up the paper into a small square and shoved it into the front zipper pocket of her backpack that was leaning next to the couch. Another problem for another day. Or hell she’d probably just throw it at Joel and tell him that the annoying old lady (who is somehow even more of a dinosaur than Joel and still alive) said it was his job to do it. Yeah, that might work.

With a heavy sigh Ellie laid back onto the couch cushions, arm coming to rest over her face as she tried to shut out the sunlight pouring in through the open windows. Maybe if she was bored enough she’d fall asleep and then Joel would be home.

…

Another two weeks had come and gone and Ellie’s Salt Lake City dream variation had now been haunting her almost nightly, completely replacing her usual David nightmares. Just two nights ago it had been traumatizing enough to rouse Joel from his sleep and he had come into her room as he always had when her screams woke him only this time, when she had become alert enough to notice his presence, she had shoved him off her damn near hard enough he almost fell off the bed.

“Ellie!” He had gasped at the surprise. “It’s me, it’s-”

“I know!” she scowled in response, shoving at his shoulder when he tried once again to reach out to comfort her.

“Ellie” he sighed, keeping his distance this time, but holding his hands out in front of him as if he was approaching some scared wild animal he was trying to coax into calmness.

“I’m not,” Ellie began and huffed, unsure what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want his comfort. Not this time.

“I’m not a baby Joel! I don’t need you to come running in here every time I have a stupid bad dream. I’m 15 years old, not 6!”

Joel flinched, as if her words physically harmed him. She saw the look of hurt flash across his face before he swallowed hard, dropped his arms and gave her a short nod before pushing himself up from her bed and seeing himself out of her bedroom. Part of her wanted to chase him out of her room, tell him how sorry she was and fall into his arms and forget the exchange ever happened, but a larger part of her knew she couldn’t do that. Joel’s been lying to her. She isn’t stupid. She knows he isn’t telling her the whole truth (if he’s even telling her any truth at all) and it’s because of him that she’s having these nightmares in the first place. So no, he didn’t get to cause the nightmares and then run in and play hero for it. Not if she ever wanted to get to the bottom of what really happened.

Luckily the two days following that incident Joel had been on patrol so she hadn’t seen much of him. They’d have dinner together but it was mostly in silence. Joel would ask about her day and she would mumble a “fine” as she pushed her food around her plate and then she’d fake being tired and go to bed shortly afterwards, foregoing their usual movie or board games they’d do after dinner.

~~~

Joel remained seated at the dining room table long after Ellie had pretended to be tired and gone off to bed. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew her well enough to know when she was tired or when she was flat out avoiding him on purpose and this was certainly the latter. She’d been like this for days now and it was really starting to get to him. He didn’t know what had happened to cause it either. Sure she got moody with him sometimes, as all teenagers did around their parents or even authority figures, but she’d never been like this or for this long without at least a hint of what troubled her.

He thought back to just two nights ago when he’d woken up to her screaming and thrashing in her bed. That in and of itself was not unusual for her, but the way she reacted towards him was completely out of left field. She had shoved him off of her as if he were the bad guy, the one haunting her dreams, when all he wanted to do was hold her until her trembling subsided, the way he always had.

“I’m 15 years old, not 6!” The words she spat at him still plagued his mind. His heart nearly broke at that. Not at the fact that she didn’t always need him coddling her, he knew the day would come where she didn’t and he would be so glad for her (even if it did hurt his heart just a little to not be needed like that anymore as she got older) but the part that killed him is when she told him she was 15. 15! When had he missed that? When they’d met she had been 14, and if he wasn’t such an idiot he would’ve done the math and figured logically that hey, nearly a year has past since we met, shouldn’t you have had a birthday by now? But it didn’t cross his mind all the time they’d been together so he never thought to ask. But to hear her just gloss over the fact that she was an entire year older and he’d never acknowledged it or even knew about it, damn near broke him. Sure, FEDRA probably didn’t exactly throw you a party and invite all your classmates and bake you a damn cake but surely her birthday must have meant something to her, hadnt it? Enough that she would at least want Joel to acknowledge it. “Hey asshole it’s my birthday so you have to laugh at all my jokes today” or something similar at least.

One thing for sure, no matter what the hell was going on with Ellie right now, was that he owed her a damn birthday present.

...

The next day Joel had the day off from patrol, but Joel being Joel couldn’t just sit around his comfortable house all day and do next to nothing so he decided he’d be productive. Ellie had gone off to her morning shift at the stables anyway (and even if she hadn’t he had a good feeling she wouldn’t want to hang out with him regardless, if the last couple of days had been any indication) so he figured today was as good a time as any to get started on a project he’d been meaning to for the past month. So that’s how he found himself standing in the middle of his garage on this hot August morning.

He stood in the middle of the concrete floor scratching the back of his head, not entirely sure where to begin… The place had apparently, before he and Ellie moved into the main house, been a dumping ground for anything and everything that the residents of Jackson no longer had space for. There were broken appliances, boxes piled to the ceiling in some places, furniture, some lumber, and probably a hell of a lot more that Joel had yet to uncover. His first order of business had to be sorting through everything to see what would be kept and what could be tossed. See if he could make heads or tails of what was wrong with anything broken and if he could fix it, and for anything else it was a matter of whether anybody could make any use of it and if not, he’d get rid of it.

A while back he'd had the idea that maybe he could turn it into a decent hangout spot for Ellie, somewhere she could have her own space, have her friends over, that kind of thing. He remembered himself as a teenager taking over the family garage to practice with his band and he and his friends had spent every damn day for the better part of 3 summers in it, creating some of the best memories of his life. He wanted Ellie to have that too. Maybe, he thought inwardly, he could fix it up and surprise her with it. Try and have it ready to give her for her 16th birthday, whenever the hell that was.

He still had to get to the bottom of that, but first he had to get Ellie to even speak more than three words at a time to him; something which she hadn’t seemed to be able to do as of late. He had no idea what was going on in that girl's head these days, but he needed to figure it out. He would talk to her. Today, he told himself.

Joel kept busy for the next couple of hours. He’d started with sorting through the dozens of boxes, finding much more trash than treasure, just as he had figured he would. It was scorching outside and he was hot and covered in sweat but told himself he’d at least finish sorting through the boxes before he took a break so when he looked down to see the last box that required sorting he murmured a quiet ‘thank god’ as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm and then bent down to pick up the final box. Pulling the box out of the corner Joel noticed a small dark blue duffle bag that looked out of place shoved in behind where he pulled the box from. It wasn’t covered in a thick layer of dust like everything else in the room had been, and moreover, he’d noticed it because it was a bag he had brought home from a patrol a month or so ago. Back then it was full of movies, art supplies and a few other things he had found out on the road that he thought Ellie might like so he’d brought it home for her and given it to her that night.

“What the hell?” Joel wondered aloud, placing the box back on the ground and reaching instead for the duffle. He had seen her using the things he had brought home in the bag before so he was certain she hadn’t just taken the bag from him and tossed it in the back of the garage. Whatever was in the bag it seemed like she had been hiding it, and he’d silently hoped that whatever he found inside might give him some insight into just what the hell was going on with her these days.

~~~

It was late afternoon when Ellie finally decided to call it a day. Her shift at the stable was normally only 3 hours but today she knew Joel was at home and she was nothing if not a professional avoider these days so she decided to stay late and do an extra thorough cleaning of the stables and the horses. She stayed out there until the sun, high in the sky, became too sweltering for her to stand. Her clothes clung to her body from all the sweat and she was in desperate need of a shower. If she could draw that out long enough when she got home it wouldn’t be much longer until dinner and maybe she’d convince Joel to go to the mess hall tonight rather than dinner at home so they could at least have other people to look at while they both pretended she wasn’t completely ignoring him.

Yes, a perfect plan.

Her perfect plan however fizzled abruptly when she walked into their home only to find Joel standing in the middle of the kitchen, arms folded across his chest with an empty blue duffel bag hanging over a dining chair; its contents spilled all over their eating table.

Shit.

“I need to shower” Ellie said, hoping to ignore him and turning towards the stairs.

“Ellie Williams you get back here this instant” Joel demanded, his tone leaving zero room for argument and Ellie groaned, turning back towards the kitchen. She stopped a few feet in front of him, let out a heavy sigh and let her arms drop to her sides.

“What?” she huffed in annoyance.

“You know damn well what. Sit your ass down, we’re having a conversation” Joel snapped, pointing towards one of the dining room chairs and Ellie rolled her eyes but obeyed him, shuffling past to plop down on the furthest chair and folding her arms defensively.

“Now you wanna explain to me just what in the hell all this is?” Joel asked, arm sweeping above the table top that was littered with canned foods, her knife that Maria had confiscated months ago (“not until you’re 16 Ellie” - bullshit), a handgun (this one she had managed to steal from Tommy, she was actually quite proud of when she pulled that one off), a box of ammo (Joel’s) and a road atlas of the United States.

“Well if I gotta explain fucking canned beans to you maybe you should be starting school next week instead of me” she huffed.

Judging by the vein in Joel’s neck that looked like it was about to explode through his skin, maybe not her wisest move.

“Don’t get smart with me Ellie” Joel threatened, pointing a finger at her. “Just what in the hell you were doing with a damn ‘go bag’, huh? You plan on runnin’ away or somthin’?”

“No” she offered weakly, looking away, anywhere but at Joel. She knew he’d never physically harm her, but he had never been this pissed with her before either and she did not like it.

Joel heaved a heavy sigh. He knew he had to reign in his anger but damnit if she didn’t make it difficult on him.

“Well then what the hell were you doing kiddo” Joel said softly, a sigh escaping his lips as his hands fell to his sides. Yes he was angry but he wanted a real conversation. He squatted down next to her so they were at eye level.

“I need to know what’s going on up here” he said, lightly tapping his index finger against her head before she batted it away.

“Will you talk to me please?” he asked gently. He wasn’t above begging at this point.

“You promised” she mumbled under her breath, head still facing away from him and staring at the blank wall instead.

“What?”

She turned towards him then, rolling her eyes. “You promised. I asked you if everything you said about the Fireflies was true and you promised it was. Tell me you didn’t fucking lie to me Joel” she seethed through gritted teeth and Joel closed his eyes for a brief moment, taking a breath.

“This again, with the Fireflies? Ellie I -” he began but she was quick to cut him off.

“Last chance Joel. Last chance to tell me the fucking truth because if you lie to me again, I’m done. We’re done” Her words came out sharply and she saw Joel’s face flinch at her threat. She meant it too, she couldn’t live with someone who was lying to her about the single most important thing in her life. She wouldn’t live like that.

“I’ll fucking leave Joel, I will. I’ll do it when you’re out on patrol or fucking sleeping and you won’t be able to stop me. I’ll go to Salt Lake City myself and I will find out what happened, one way or another. And if I find out on my own that you lied to me, you’ll never see me again”

“Is that what the bag is for? Fucking road trip to Salt Lake City by yourself? Tryna' get yourself killed? Jesus, Ellie” Joel hung his head. He knew she’d do it too, and that thought absolutely terrified him. It scared him far more than whatever her reaction may be if he were to tell her the truth right now. Her running off like that, alone, and never seeing her again? Nope, no way. She could hate him for the rest of her life before he’d ever let that happen.

“Okay” he sighed with defeat, putting his hands up in surrender. Time to bite the bullet.

Joel stood up from his crouched position, his joints protesting when he did, and took a seat in the chair next to hers, folding his arms on the table.

“From the beginning” Ellie demanded.

“When I… came to, you know, in the hospital, Marlene was there” he began into the story he’d been dreading to tell her for months, unable to look her in the eyes, though he could feel her gaze boring into him from across the table. He wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to tell her this. It would crush her, he knows. And how could he possibly make her understand? How does he tell her he'd burn the entire world down for her if it meant keeping her safe and have her not hate him for it? He'd failed Sarah. He'd failed Tess. He couldn't fail her, too. He wouldn't survive it, not again. Could she even grasp how he felt about her? Sure he wasn't exactly Mr. 'lets talk about our feelings' and neither was she, but he needed her to understand the simple fact that well, she was everything to him.

“God Damnit Ellie they were going to kill you!” he shouted, finally turning his head to look at her. “That’s the bottom line of it all, ok? They were gonna poke around in your fucking brain like a god damn game of Operation so they could remove the cordyceps and you’d be fucking dead”

Ok, maybe not exactly giving her the warm and fuzzies right now. He'd never been great with his words.

“No,” Ellie shook her head as tears began to well in her eyes. “That’s - that’s not true, you’re - you’re fucking lying!” she shoved hard at his shoulder but he barely moved.

“Ellie” he said her name softly now and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry baby, but it’s the truth. Marlene told me everything. She said that -” he sniffled quietly and wiped at his own wet eyes quickly with the back of his hand. “She said that they didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t be scared that you wouldn’t feel any pain and… they wouldn’t take me to you. Wouldn’t let me see you”. Fresh tears were streaming down Ellie’s face now that she frantically tried to wipe away with her shirt sleeve as she listened to Joel tell his side of the story.

He told her everything, even told her about his standoff with Marlene in the underground parking lot and how that ended and Ellie just listened silently, taking it all in.

“So you just... Killed everyone” Ellie summarized for him and Joel hung his head.

“Ellie” another sigh. “They had no evidence that their hare-brained scheme was going to work. They had no conclusive tests done and they wanted to murder their only test subject! Now I thought I was bringing you there to draw some blood or something, not cut your goddamn brain out of your head. Who knows if this hack Doctor even knew what he was doing!” Joel was getting revved up again but he couldn’t help himself, the anger he’d felt that day still bubbling at the surface all these months later.

“Could’ve been a goddamn Chiropractor for all we know, out there tryna play brain surgeon with my kids fucking head? Mnmm mmm” he shook his head and Ellie tried to ignore the fact that he’d just referred to her as his kid. “Not on my broken fucking watch, kiddo” he tapped his watch for emphasis as he stared directly into her eyes.

Her heart didn't allow her to ignore a comment like that and she'd felt it tighten in her chest, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the room and she could barely breathe. Ellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to crumble to the floor in tears or hit him as hard as she could.

She opted for neither and pushed herself back abruptly from the table and stood up and Joel followed suit, ready to grab for her if she had chosen this moment to make a run for it. They both stood still in a standoff, Joel could tell by the way her shoulders trembled that she was upset. He’d let her say what she had to say.

“We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

The words hung in the air between them, the silence growing heavily around them until finally Joel spoke again.

“I love you, Ellie” he admitted softly, looking straight at her as she lowered her head and twiddled her fingers nervously. He wondered absently if that was the first time she’d ever heard those words and his heart felt heavy in his chest at the thought.

“And truth be told, I don't care if that Doctor was the best brain surgeon on the damn planet and a cure was all but guaranteed, it wouldn't have changed my mind because I didn't have a choice. And I know you don't understand that right now and I don't expect you to. But I am sorry that I lied to you, ok? I am not, however, sorry for what I did and I will never be sorry for that.” he explained and she stayed still and silent in front of him so he continued. “Even if it means you hate me for the rest of my life, well… at least it means you’ll live to see it and I can never be sorry about that, not ever”

“I know you think this cure was your purpose Ellie but what if…” He stopped to shake his head before placing his hands on his hips and taking a breath. “What if you were my purpose?” He asked, unshed tears in his eyes as Ellie finally lifted her head to meet his gaze.

She let out a breath, trying to collect her thoughts before she responded but didn’t get a chance before the distinct crackling static of a walkie talkie coming to life grabbed both their attention.

“Joel, Ellie!” It was Tommy’s voice on the other end and he sounded frantic. Both Joel and Ellie were staring at the small black 2-way radio that was sitting on the kitchen counter. Joel made a move to grab for it before Tommy’s voice filled their small space again. “It’s Maria she -” his voice cut out as they heard Maria scream Tommy’s name from a distance away. “Oh shoot, I gotta go, we’re at the clinic!”

“Tommy!” Joel was yelling for his brother into the radio but getting no response. “Tommy! Tom- Damnit!” Joel huffed, slamming the radio back down on the counter. Leave it to his brother to call him with an apparent emergency, not tell him what the emergency was, and then go literal radio-silence on him.

“Let’s go” was all Joel said to Ellie and they were both running for the door.

The pair headed out into the street and made the short jog across town to where the clinic was housed. It was a two-storied brick building, one of the larger ones in town and one that thankfully by some miracle, Joel or Ellie had never had to visit before.

“Tommy?” Joel called out the moment they crossed the threshold inside, looking around but not seeing his brother - or anyone for that matter - in sight.

Suddenly they heard a bloodcurdling scream from Maria and both Ellie and Joel shared a quick glance before they both took off running up the stairs where the noise had come from.

They’d made it nearly all the way up the staircase when a second noise rang out through the house and this one stopped Joel dead in his tracks. He gripped the railing so he didn’t fall down the damn stairs as the distinct and familiar first cries of a newborn infant flooded the space.

“Holy shit!” Ellie whispered excitedly, also having come to a dead halt on the stairs when she’d heard the cry.

Joel took a minute to collect himself, holding the staircase railing in a death grip as he tried to get his breathing under control. That sound took him right back to the best day of his life, nearly 35 years ago when his little Sarah had taken her first breaths in this world and had changed his entire life in an instant. Hearing Tommy’s little one’s lungs working at full capacity would likely be the second best sound he’s ever heard in his life, Joel thinks.

“C’mon, lets go see!” Ellie said to him as she practically bounced up the rest of the stairs, eager to meet the latest Miller clan member.

“Ellie” Joel snapped out of his momentary daze to call out to her and she stopped just outside the closed door at the top of the stairs.

“Just, wait now” he told her as he climbed the rest of the stairs. Ellie obeyed, bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation. He didn’t want to barge in on whatever state Maria might be in right now; childbirth wasn’t exactly something you wanted a big audience for, so they waited outside the door for a couple minutes until everything started to quiet and finally the door opened as a woman that Joel recognized as the town doctor came out.

“Oh, looks like we have visitors!” The doctor said to Joel and Ellie but loud enough that Tommy and Maria could hear her. She pushed the door open wider so that Tommy and Maria could see who it was and Tommy waved them inside.

“S’ok Doc, they're family” Tommy smiled widely.

Ellie froze for a quick moment, glancing between Maria and Tommy and back to Joel but Joel just put a hand on her back and led her inside, apparently she was the only one overthinking the whole “family” comment. She stared at the scene before her, Maria lying in a bed under some blankets with a small bundle in her arms wrapped in a crisp white towel and Tommy hovering over her with possibly the biggest smile Ellie’s ever seen from anyone before, one hand brushing the top of Maria’s hair while the other laid protectively against one of her arms that held the baby.

“It’s a girl” Tommy announced to no one in particular, not able to tear his gaze away from his newborn daughter. “Name’s Rose,” he continued. “Rose Sarah Miller”

Ellie chanced a quick glance at Joel for that. Tommy seemed up in the clouds somewhere and just tossed Sarah’s name out there as if it might not swallow Joel up whole but Ellie, with two feet firmly on the floor and not in the sky, needed to make sure he was ok. To her surprise, a smile that nearly matched Tommy’s crossed Joel’s features and fresh tears came to his eyes.

Ellie let out a breath of relief.

“She’s beautiful, Tommy” Joel said sincerely and Ellie had never seen him look so happy before. It made her feel warm.

“Congratulations to you both” Joel said and both parents finally tore their gaze away from Rose long enough to acknowledge them.

“Ellie,” Maria piped up a moment later. “Would you like to hold her?”

Ellie stared wide-eyed for a few long seconds before she finally looked over to Joel, silently asking for permission.

“Well, go on” Joel nodded towards the bed and nudged her shoulder with his.

Ellie smiled brightly and quickly crossed the room to where a large armchair sat next to Maria, the opposite side that Tommy was occupying.

“Do I just sit?” Ellie asked, she wasn’t sure what the protocol was, literally never having held a newborn before.

“Yeah, sit there, hold your arms out and I’ll pass her to you. Just always one hand under her head ok?” She instructed and Ellie nodded her head before sliding her backpack off her shoulders and dropping it to the ground.

“Rose, this is your cousin, Ellie” Maria spoke softly as she passed the small warm bundle of life over. Ellie quickly glanced up to Joel, eyes widened with pure joy at Maria’s words. She’d never been a cousin to anyone before. Hell, she’d never been anything to anyone before. Not really. And suddenly here she was, apparently now part of a family of 5.

Ellie was sure to have one hand under Rose’s head and the other arm cradled her against her chest as she held the tiny gurgling baby in her arms, mesmerized by her instantly. She now understood how Tommy couldn't’ tear his gaze away from her either.

“So fucking cool” Ellie whispered, playing with the tiny pink fingers that were reaching for her hand.

“Sorry” Ellie immediately admitted sheepishly. Maria didn’t like her cursing under normal circumstances, let alone when a newborn baby was in her arms.

Maria shot her a look but her mouth curled up into a small smile. “I’ll let it slide since you’re excited, but let me tell you if my baby’s first word is a curse, you are losing your babysitting privileges Missy”

“I’ll watch my mouth around her, I swear” Ellie assured her frantically before focusing back on Rose.

“Hard to believe you were ever once that small huh Ellie?” Tommy said with a laugh as Ellie stared down at baby Rose in complete wonder.

“Or that quiet” Joel added without missing a beat and Ellie rolled her eyes at him playfully.

“Don’t listen to him little Rose” Ellie cooed to the infant. “You and me are gonna be best buddies and we’ll gang up on your mean old Uncle Joel”

“Oh great so there’ll be two pains in my butt, can’t wait for that” Joel deadpanned before he crossed the room over to Ellie and held his hands out.

“Let me see that niece of mine anyway, you’re hoggin’ all the new baby smell”

Ellie grinned widely at how playful Joel was being and decided it looked really good on him. It reminded her of the first time she made him laugh, like really made him laugh. The night right before they met Henry and Sam when she had told him a stupid joke that left them both in tears from laughing so hard.

Joel completely relaxed when Rose got into his arms and he rocked and bounced her gently in his embrace. He looked completely in his element even though Ellie figured it has probably been decades since he last held a baby. He was smiling down at her and letting her small chubby hands grasp his finger and Ellie just watched in amazement. Babies had some sort of magical power or spell it seemed, she thought absently. These hardened fighters, killers, even, now all sat in this room as four big piles of melted goo for this tiny little human wrapped up in a bath towel.

They stayed for another hour or so, Ellie manipulating Joel into letting her have Rose again until the Doctor came back into the room, gently reminding Joel and Ellie that Maria needed her rest. Ellie groaned in disappointment but understood and passed the baby to Tommy after planting the gentlest kiss to the tip of her tiny nose.

“Now you let us know if you need anything” Joel said, his hands landing on Maria’s shoulders and she smiled up at him.

“We will, don’t worry”

“Come on kiddo, we better get home” Joel sighed, placing a hand to the back of Ellie’s neck and steering her towards the door. “These two are gonna need their rest, trust me”

They all said their goodnights and Joel and Ellie headed back down the stairs and out the front door.

“How fucking cool was that!” Ellie yelled up to the now darkened sky the moment they were outside. “A fucking baby?!”

“Hey what happened to watching your mouth?” Joel asked, but his tone was playful.

“I said around the baby, she can’t hear me now” Ellie said with a flippant wave of her hand towards the clinic.

Joel just hummed in agreement. He should’ve known better anyway.

They were nearly all the way home when Ellie stopped and slapped a hand to her forehead.

“Oh shit”

“What?” Joel asked, turning towards her.

“I forgot my backpack, I put it down when I was holding Rose”

Joel looked between Ellie and the clinic. They were more than halfway home already, not that it was very far, but it was late and Maria was supposed to be getting some rest.

“I’ll be quick, and quiet, I swear, in and out!” Ellie said briskly, likely already knowing what he was going to say and Joel sighed but nodded his head.

“Hurry up then” he gestured toward the clinic. “I’ll meet you at home”

Ellie ran off towards the clinic, not waiting for Joel to change his mind. When she got inside she slowly walked up the stairs, not wanting to make too much noise in case anyone was actually asleep. When she reached the top of the stairs and the door to Maria’s room it was partially open, she poked her head inside first to look.

Maria looked fast asleep but Tommy was slowly pacing the room with a slightly fussing baby Rose held in his arms as he looked down at her and talked softly, rocking her gently as he spoke.

“It’s okay babygirl, Daddy’s got you” he whispered into the stillness of the room. “I got you and I ain’t gonna let anybody ever hurt you, you hear me babygirl? I’ll keep you safe, always, I promise”

Tears welled up in Ellie’s eyes as she watched the two of them. She thought about Joel and Sarah. She had thought about them a lot tonight, and she wondered if Joel did too. Then she thought about how Joel had wrapped her in his arms after David and had all but said the same things that Tommy was telling his daughter now. She could hear the love in the way Tommy spoke to Rose and it hit her like a ton of bricks that it was no different than how Joel had spoken to her too.

Not wanting to dwell on that too much longer; or stand in the doorway prying on a private moment between father and daughter either, Ellie quickly swept away the tears at her eyes and gently rapped her knuckle against the wood door and peeked her head all the way inside once she had Tommy’s attention.

“Sorry I um, forgot my bag” she said sheepishly, nodding her head towards her backpack that lay on the ground resting up against the armchair.

“Oh, go ahead” Tommy whispered so as to not wake Maria. Ellie quickly crossed the room and grabbed her bag before quickly making her exit. Offering a quick wave over her shoulder as she left the room. She probably could’ve left it for tomorrow, but there was something important inside of it she decided she needed tonight.

Closing the door quietly behind her when she entered her home she was unsurprised to find Joel still awake and waiting for her. He was in the kitchen, gathering up all the items from the table and stuffing them back into the duffel bag. Ellie watched from the threshold, fidgeting with her fingers.

“We still needin’ this?” Joel asked directly, looking right at Ellie. The magical baby spell apparently over and reality settling back in around them.

“No” Ellie answered quietly, just looking at the floor.

“Good, put it away then” Joel replied, holding the bag out towards her. She nodded once and took the bag, grabbing the cans out one by one and putting them away in the cupboard. Her knife she’d slid into the side pocket of her backpack and she saw Joel’s eyes follow it but he said nothing; she figured he probably actually preferred her being armed anyway, for her own safety. She handed Joel the box of ammunition and left the gun in the bag, placing it down on the kitchen chair and shrugging at Joel.

“Tommy’s. I’ll… give it back to him tomorrow”

“Ok” was all Joel responded with and a silence fell over the room for several minutes.

“Look, Ellie” Joel began eventually, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen. He looked tired. “I think I… Well, I said pretty much everything I needed to say, you know, earlier”

“I know” Ellie nodded, her voice quiet. She had a lot to digest, emotionally, after everything tonight.

“Are you… ok?” are we ok, she knows is what he means but doesn’t ask.

“Yeah” she says, and it’s the truth. She still hates that Joel lied to her, repeatedly, but after tonight, well, she can admit she understands why he did what he did.

“You keep going for family” Joel’s words from nearly a year ago ring in her head. She didn’t get it then, but she does now. She just met Rose an hour ago and she knows already she’d take a bullet for her if it came to it. Do anything to keep her safe, her little baby cousin, her family. Seeing Tommy with Rose made her think of how gutted Joel must have been when he’d lost Sarah and how of course he would do anything to prevent ever having to live through that again.

“My whole world.” She closes her eyes, remembering the pain on his face at the confession.

“Well, it’s late” Joel says matter of factly and it snaps her out of her reverie.

“Yeah, right” Ellie nods, hands still clasped in front of her and gaze still permanently fixed to the floor. She turns then and heads up the stairs towards her bedroom.

“Hey, Ellie” his voice stops her in her tracks and she turns, finally looking him in the eyes as he stands at the bottom of the stairs.

“When’s your birthday?” he asks, folding his arms over his chest and she puffs out a laugh. She wasn’t expecting that.

“Um… like April? Sometime… I don’t know what day exactly. When’s yours?”

“September 26th”

“Oh cool, so like exactly one month difference from Rose” she smiles, genuinely thinking it's pretty awesome that they were both born on the 26th day of the month. “Well, one month and like a thousand years or whatever” she finishes her thought, not able to help herself and Joel rolls his eyes.

“Ha ha” Joel deadpans. “‘Be nice to me now, or I’m not gonna get ya a belated birthday present”

“You’re gonna get me a present?” Ellie’s eyes lit up at that.

“I’ll think a’somthin’” Joel nodded. “In the meantime you think on it and pick a day in April so we can celebrate properly next year”

“Turning soft on me old man?”

“Guilty as charged I guess” Joel just shrugged and Ellie smirked.

“Goodnight Joel” she said and he nodded.

“G’night Ellie”

Before she could talk herself out of it Ellie quickly padded down the stairs and threw her arms around Joel’s waist in a hug, nearly knocking him over in surprise she thinks by the way he partially stumbled backwards before wrapping his arms around her too. He kisses the top of her head and then she lets go, turning around and scurrying up the stairs to go to bed.

She sleeps through the night that night, for the first time in months.

~~~

Joel slowly makes his way down the stairs the next morning, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he heads towards the kitchen to make some coffee. It’s early but he had heard Ellie go out the door for her shift at the stables and it woke him up. Not that he minded, he liked to be up early, even on his days off from patrol. Besides, he had a garage to fix up, he owed Ellie that birthday present, after all.

Wandering into the kitchen Joel prepared his coffee and went to bring the steaming mug to his lips but stopped when he noticed something on the table when he’d turned around. There was a piece of paper lying there with a smaller piece of paper placed on top of it. He picked up the smaller piece and read the note that was scribbled in Ellie’s familiar uppercase handwriting.

OLD MAN -

That dinosaur of a lady on the council with the stick up her butt said I had to fill out this form and that you need to sign it. Fascism wins again. Heheheheh just kidding, kind of. See you tonight. Chef Boyardee?

Love, Ellie.

Joel stared at the note, particularly the last two words and a smile reached his eyes. He folded it neatly and put it in his pocket to put it in a safe place later so he could hang on to it. If he’d had a picture frame he’d probably damn well frame it. Jesus, he had gone soft.

Next he picked up the form underneath and glanced over the information Ellie had given.

Name. Ellie Williams-Miller. Joel’s heart caught in his throat but he swallowed it down and kept reading. Date of Birth. April 26th, 2009. He smiled. She’d chosen the same day that his and Rose’s birthdays had fallen on. Cute kid. Known Allergies. None. Joel commended her for not writing in a joke about being allergic to learning or something equally ridiculous. Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Joel Miller. She had circled over 'parent'. There went his heart flip flopping in his chest again. Pull it together old man. Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Tommy Miller (Uncle). He’d bet Tommy couldn’t wait to be addressed as an Uncle again. He briefly wondered if Ellie would ever call him Uncle Tommy. Maybe he’d let her know that Tommy might like that and let her decide if she wants to.

The last line was for parent/guardian signature and Joel quickly scribbled his name down and then stared at the form again until his coffee had surely gone cold.

Ok, Maybe he needed two picture frames.

#the last of us #the last of us fanfiction #pedro pascal #joel and ellie #joel miller #ellie williams #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal cinematic universe #pedro pascal character fanfiction #the last of us hbo #joel & ellie fanficiton

44 notes · View notes

kazecoping · 7 months

Note

for admin oliver: 1. what books does gilbert actually like, since i rmr reading that serge tries to get him books but he can be kind of picky with them? 2. can you go more into detail about gilbert's addiction and the reocvery process for that? also which part of recovery/withdrawal/etc is he currently at 3. this might need a tw idk but can you also delve more into gilbert's current issues with eating and the psychology around that? how has the accident impacted them? 4. since his thoughts around auguste start to change in this au and he realizes how bad auguste really was, how does that impact his thoughts on other characters from bonnard to rosemarine even?

claps hands! that's a lot, i have been successfully entertained ... thanks for asking, i shall now answer in a way that hopefully satisfies you!

as always with these long asks, the answer is below the cut! warning for drugs and eating disorder talk, i'd try to be as subtle as humanly possible but ... it's kazeki, so. yeah.

I. gilbert's reading preferences

it's mentioned during his backstory chapters (so around volume 4-5) that he took a liking to erotic novels when he was little, and judging by that scene in volume 11 where he recites something along those lines i'd say that preference hasn't faltered.

so, he enjoys erotic novels, pretty obvious and a canon fact.

but i think he'd also like books on animals, since he doesn't have one at the moment the closest thing he has is a book.

we never talked about the kinds of books serge got him (they were scattered around the room, anyway) but they didn't get much attention from gilbert. he reads them, sure! but he doesn't particularly care for the stories or their contents ...

he'd like very dramatic books, too ...

NULL'S EDIT: Serge definitely did not bring him erotic novels., even if that sort of thing could actually have helped him heal his autonomy or sexuality or familiarity or what not he would Not have done that ghsdhf. But, he definitely would bring him stories, dramas, the 25 cent romance prints (there might be some dicey stuff in those, he is not proofreading them) at a certain point in the story they did find a bible and had a laugh about that

II. addiction, recovery, withdrawals ...

he used the initial withdrawals as a way to inflict pain in himself (so, self-harm)

opioid withdrawals are physically painful, they have a variety of symptoms such as nausea, goosebumps, sensitivity to light, hypertension and, in his case, he had hallucinations at the start (not 100% sure if this last symptom is medically accurate, though!)

anyway, he wasn't having a fun time. it was awful.

he stopped taking the drugs despite having them at hand (as null mentioned)

thankfully, it seems that opioids stay in the system for a few days (not entirely sure, since we don't exactly know what drugs gilbert was taking ... hence why i'm talking about opioids in general) so that's good, but he was jumpy and miserable for a bit longer since he was really, really dependant on them + his body is already a little fucked up and very weak, it probably took longer ... paris messed him up.

but, right now, he doesn't crave them. the little bottle they had is hiding somewhere in a box and gilbert has forgotten about its existence by now. though, he wishes he could go back to them, since that at least helped him "go away" for a moment. i guess he's going to go back to his old habit of daydreaming to make time go by faster.

Null's Edit: It's common for cases of extreme disassociation to alleviate some feelings of addiction. At a certain point, when he decided he needed to go cold turkey off everything, Serge basically took the bottle they'd spent their lifesavings on and hid it. Gilbert does not know where it is. No Opium for Gilbert.

III. disordered eating and "coping" with his current situation

he's been in and off in regards of that, to be honest. sometimes he's hungry, and sometimes he goes so long without eating ... a day or two at most.

he has always struggled with food, that's not a new thing for gilbert (or serge as an spectator, for that matter)

he relapsed (more like, he got worse than he already was) shortly after the accident, yet he kinda had to start eating more so his wounds would heal (bodies need calories and nutrients to do so, and while it wasn't nearly enough, he managed to do it)

he's not truly recovered, he may never be without the aid of a specialist (and they are expensive! he's got a whole lot of issues to take care of, sadly.) but he's hanging in there ...

he doesn't really have a reason to starve himself now, serge is tending to him most of the time already after all! and his reasoning of "maybe if he (auguste) is close to lose me he will appreciate me more" doesn't apply here for the most part, but he's gotten used to eat only when his body can't handle its hunger, or when he's in the right mood.

he's eating, sure, but he doesn't eat enough for someone his age and height.

also, keep in mind that he's pretty depressed, he doesn't feel the need to eat because his appetite has been affected by everything (stress, sadness, just the way he is)

it's mainly out of habit than him actively starving himself, though that also plays a part in what he does ... he's unwell.

the accident only made things worse, though he doesn't really care about weight gain (even if it's not preferred) or beauty, it's partially a need for control (everything is out of his hands and it feels WRONG) and partially because he's sad.

he's so, so sad.

IV. more thoughts about auguste and bonnard (and rosemarine)

so, auguste is out of the equation.

he started to realize that all the stuff that happened to him wasn't normal at some point. he already knew it was wrong (hell, serge told him that a billion times! of course he had to realize at some point) but he was in denial for some more time.

he feels gross, in a way. gilbert already felt weird over the whole thing because he never genuinely liked sex, he was just taught to crave the pain that came with it, he was taught that intimacy was supposed to be painful, and bloody, and disgusting ... and that he didn't have much of a saying in it, anyway.

he was a child, it obviously didn't click until now (or maybe it did, he just chose to ignore it.)

so, i went over his thoughts on auguste in a past ask but, i didn't mention that he (knowing that auguste is his dad) really feels in a different way towards him. sure, he's angry and grossed out, but he's also very affected. not only did he live in a lie for so long, but the person he needed the most (his dad) is the one who did most of the damage.

he hates him, but he can't help but imagine how things could've been if only auguste wasn't the way he is.

bonnard doesn't occupy most of his thoughts, but he doesn't particularly like him. he's not important enough to gilbert, even if he still has nightmares of the day he first touched him, of the blood, the pain, the fact that he entered survival mode upon waking up ...

yeah, no. he doesn't like bonnard, he hopes to never see him again.

rosemarine is a complicated subject, i have yet to reach the paris volume so i'm not sure if his relationship with gilbert improved in some way (i think it sort of did? he was the one who helped him and serge leave, right?) but i know for a fact that he resents him for not doing anything to protect him when he was at laconblade.

sure, auguste had threatened him (gilbert doesn't know that, though, in gilbert's eyes rose didn't do anything because he simply didn't feel like it), but rose didn't do anything about it for around 5-6 years. that makes him an accomplice.

rosemarine allowed that to happen and engaged in the abuse (physical abuse, at least) probably more than once, so ... yeah, he doesn't hate rosemarine, but he doesn't know how he can sleep at night knowing that.

sorry if i was unclear in any points! let me know if that's the case, pretty please . . . i probably spaced out at some point 🌀

#gilbert cocteau #kaze to ki no uta #kazeki recovery au #風と木の詩 #q&a #admin oliver

12 notes · View notes

raayllum · 2 years

Note

I feel like the owl house fandom takes things way too srsly esp with ships and preferences on characters. idk I love hunter and amity's backstory and I love luz but I'm more interested in hunter and amity's backstory that doesn't make me racist their storylines are more interesting

So this probably won't be what you expected or asked for but I'm grabbing the opportunity anyway to address some of the ways I think TOH falters from a Storytelling perspective and why I think those issues (as well as how young a lot of the fans are, although when I was 11-13 in fandom I was much more chill and "live and let live" so just shows what a decade can do in terms of fan community) unintentionally perpetuate some of what you mention.

Also don't think you're racist for preferring Amity and Hunter (Hunter, Gus, and Luz are my faves) but I do think TOH has some issues with how it handles its characters of colour, so I am going to touch on that. While I'm white. this is reflected on / verbatim from conversations I've had with Black and Asian friends / fans of the show and how racial stuff can tend to play out in fandom (circa 2013 onwards from personal experience of how people have treated fave characters, like Finn from Star Wars, in the past).

That said, I do still like the show. I love the strong found family, everything surrounding Eda and her allegories for mental health are super solid and important, I'm thrilled by the queer rep (I’m queer & watched Korrasami happen live), and I don't think a show has to be perfect or to check off my personal preference to be good. But I do think the show is... an interesting mixed bag for a few key reasons I haven't seen anyone talk about, so here they are.

Under a read more bc this gets long, like, real long, even though there’s only four things on this freaking list, LMAO. For whoever reads it, have fun!

1. The Owl House writes like first impressions don't matter.

This is one of the biggest things in the show that breaks elements of setup + payoff. After all, if your setup is misleading or unaddressed by payoff later, characters and plot lines may come across as stilted. This also ties into other areas (such as screentime) that I'll touch on later.

By far the character who has broken setup the most, though, is Amity. For example, Amity is introduced as someone who has bullied Willow for years, even when no one else is around (i.e. it's not a pure performance), and even though they used to be friends when they were young. Their friendship fall out / Amity distancing herself from Willow is explained by Amity being forced to by her parents, and understandably struggling with how to deal with and explain it as a child.

I haven't seen the last few episodes of S2 (aka I got up to "Hollow Mind") and I was disappointed in S2A when it seemed like this plot element would never be addressed again. So I was very pleased to learn that there is an episode in S2B that talks about their friendship. Except... it doesn't address the bullying. Because yes, Amity tried to protect Willow by distancing herself... but Amity also didn’t need to Bully Willow, like, at all. Not within the confines of the story and not within the landscape of the character; her parents didn’t tell her to be cruel to Willow. She chose to do that. Repeatedly. And that facet of their bond... has never been adequately addressed. It could be, in the future (but I personally doubt it).

It’s particularly strange, because Luz was 1) canonically bullied in the human realm and 2) perpetually struggled at making friends. It makes sense that she’d be extra against bullies and protective over the friends she does have, and wanting to see real change before bonding with a practical stranger (even if Amity did show a slightly nicer side at the end of “Covention,” it wasn’t an even ratio whatsoever, either of her niceness or Luz’s meanness). But we’ll circle back to this.

We see this issue of initially bad behaviour being overruled, sometimes retconned, or ignored to the point of being rewritten a few more times in the series.

The one that ties into Amity’s character are her siblings. In their debut episode, they have plans to share private pages of their little sister’s diary. This is mentioned in another episode as something they’re trying to make up for, but they weren’t there when shit hit the fan at the library, anyway. So we never see 1) why they were going to be so cruel to Amity in the first place (and I have siblings myself, so no, it’s not a sibling thing, or just a sibling thing), 2) what exactly made them change their mind, and 3) this type of behaviour never reappears or is addressed in the show, either. While Luz gets called a bully for it, the twins get off basically scot free. Yes, they’re obviously affected by their mother, too, but there’s never even a whiff or a hint about why they felt the need to humiliate Amity on a public scale besides thinking she was uptight.

We see this one more time with Darius, which was the most baffling and completely jarred me the first time I watched it. Darius was being cruel and dismissive to Hunter, but warms up when he realizes the kid does have a spine and will stand up for what he believes this. This is not the heart warming moment or message the show seems to think it is. All I heard and saw was an adult going “Oh, this kid is too indoctrinated and abused to be worthwhile until he proves otherwise, I’ll treat him like trash and ignore that I’m exacerbating his symptoms of abuse until then.” And no matter what comes latter, this is a downright weird set up, emotionally.

I’m not saying that none of these characters can be set up this way, but the introduction and how different they are in all other preceding episodes — or even when information is given to re-contextualize certain things — feels like whiplash. So the setup is a little weird, making pay off either non existent or unnecessary. This stumbling block makes the emotional continuity feel disjointed too, in some aspects. The way this affects emotional continuity can best be seen in Gus, Willow, and Luz’s friendship — but again, more that later.

As for set up and pay off, it can lead to missed opportunities, namely: why the hell was Amity Lilith’s protege in Convention? Again, not saying the show is bad or this is a bad writing choice, but it’s a weird one. I remember watching that episode, seeing Amity be introduced as Lilith’s pseudo apprentice, and being excited. It meant Lilith-Eda, Luz-Amity, and possibly the two menor-mentee relationships could all be developed simultaneously! It’d be interesting to see the parallels and differences.

At the very least, it would give a personal stake to Amity and Luz’s possible developing bond, with Lilith at the very least going to disapprove, and give Amity and Luz a chance to compete against each other and to see that progression.

Then it was never addressed again. And it wasn’t set up as a “one day thing” either. It seems that Lilith possibly tutored Amity for months, maybe even years, for Amity to be considered her “strongest protege” (exact line). So we miss out on that possible, episodic but still connected plot line (especially because after Convention, we never see Amity caring a whole lot about actual school, even though that as her whole thing in her intro and second episode). Then, even when Amity and Lilith are back on the same side (imagine how interesting exploring that fracturing could’ve been!) they... never interact, never mention, and never act like they know each other.

They’re two characters with the same theme and similar arcs split down the middle, have an interesting setup, and it goes.... Nowhere.

Because first impressions don’t matter in the show, which is particularly weird, as typically 1) what you set up in the very beginning of the show is what you want the audience to be invested in, and 2) the audience is going to / has to pay more attention in the beginning of a show because they’re actively trying to learn the rules of the world and character dynamics / personalities.

And it’s not the only time TOH does this, so let’s talk about

2. Screentime, Race, and Chosen Diaspora

Specifically that Gus and Willow barely get any, and how this ties into race. So I’ve touched on this before in an article I wrote on Vocal where I share meta-adjacent stuff that doesn’t fit my tumblr vibe, so if for some reason this is your thing, they may be other stuff you enjoy on there, whatever. I’m not gonna repeat myself too much here, but basically:

The majority of the Owl House cast is white, particularly when it comes to who matters in the plot. Eda, Lilith, and their family are all white. Hooty and King exist in what we’re going to call an aracial space, as they don’t have race and aren’t coded as any particular thing, either; just tried and true demons. Hunter is white; Belos is white. Gus and Willow are regulated to background characters and most of the time when Willow is being developed as a character (“Understanding Willow,” “Any Sport in a Storm”) it’s typically also used to further a white character’s growth of... learning to treat her better? Gus fares a bit better, but gets less screentime.

So not only is Luz the only primary character of colour, she’s largely cut off in forming meaningful relationships with other characters of colour, and having those bonds highlighted and given strong screen time (as thus far in S2, every time Gus and Willow have gotten significant screentime, it’s been largely removed from Luz, with her often doing something else with Amity). Remember when “Star Wars: Rogue One” came out, and there were discussions being had of “a lone woman only having meaningful relationships with men and no other women”?

[ Side note: as for the first point, I’m not going to say things I love, like TDP, don’t fall into the “woman surrounded by men” trope for its two main female leads, as Rayla is friends with the boys and was raised by her dads, and Claudia’s primary relationships are also with other men. However, I believe this is mitigated with plot lines like Ellis and Lujanne in S1, as well as Janai-Amaya-Khessa in S2 and particularly in S3, and I think this will only continue to grow moving forward into S4 and beyond ]

At the same time as Rogue One, there were conversations regarding the films status of “people of colour purely as the supporting cast but never as the primary lead”? TOH meets in as a weird hybrid in the middle, with a person of colour as the main lead, but largely surrounded by white people — and this is the case for most characters in the show.

Raine’s main relationship is with Eda. Darius is in the rebellion with them, but his only meaningful relationship on screen in any way is really with Hunter and the past golden guards. Gus and Willow are mostly side characters. We basically never see their families/parents (and know far more about the Blights / Edric and Emira in every way. Gus and Willow ultimately don’t get the time with Luz for me to call their relationship meaningful. This is especially strange, given that often times kids who are bullied (like all three of them are) cling harder to the friends they do have, and that while S1 was better about making Gus and Willow be extremely important to Luz as her First Friends Ever, S2 has dropped the ball even more so.

Luz is like an island, ironically on the Isles and cut off from her cultural community and from other characters of colour even when they do exist in her new community. So that’s talk about that in full.

Now, there is Luz, who is the primary protagonist (honestly, you could argue Eda is her co-protagonist) and she’s lovely and I love her. However, more than once, Luz’s plot line for an episode is a B plot or less plot relevant compared to other characters (particularly Eda). I touched on this in my Vocal article, but Luz is living in diaspora in the Boiling Isles. Yes, the demon realm suits her much better than Earth largely did, but I would still love to see elements of her culture in ways other than her / her family’s name and her occasionally speaking Spanish. What about holidays, what about missing her mother’s cooking and the cultural connotations it holds?

The show does engage with aspects of the Isekkai genre that are sometimes overlooked, namely Luz being torn between two worlds (and given that she’s mixed, it’s not like the allegory isn’t already there), but it only goes halfway. It only shows Luz wanting to be in the Boiling Isles with none of the possibilities about cultural shock, assimilation, and other aspects that can play into immigrating countries — or realms. I’m not saying the the show not engaging with Luz’s diaspora is a bad thing, but it does feel like a missed opportunity (as most of this is) particularly since they do try to engage with her on a cultural level with her speaking Spanish and writing her as purposefully Afro-Latina and from the Dominican Republic.

But honestly, basically everything I’ve talked about already — occasionally misleading set up w/ a lack of follow through, screentime (both considering and not considering its racial elements) — are all compounded into my biggest issue with the show, however, which are its

3. Disengaged stakes

So while I love Luz, I mostly love her for her personality and sweet hearted nature. I don’t actually love her that much for how she drives the plot forward — even though she does, and even though she’s the protagonist. And this is largely because Luz — and many of the characters — exist in a limbo of what I’m going to call Disengaged Stakes. Basically, they have stakes, but due to a lack of set up, or pay off in regards to emotional continuity (never mind a lack of consistency, i.e. sometimes Eda needs to hide, sometimes she can be flashy in public with zero consequences, sometimes getting caught by guards matters when the story decides it needs a conflict, and sometimes it doesn’t etc) it’s hard to actually be invested in those stakes. At least for me.

For most of S2, this meant I wasn’t really invested in Luz’s efforts to get a portal to see her mom (although this improved when we actually got a singular episode with Camila). It’s clear Luz isn’t going to live full time, if at all, in going back to the human realm. I also wasn’t worried for Camila, as she hasn’t been fearing for Luz this whole time, instead believing things are perfectly fine if not better than they were before.

Let me give you an example, and this was actually pointed out in a youtube review of the S2 finale that helped me put my finger on why it... felt weird as a finale (again, even though I haven’t fully watched it yet, but I have watched the bulk of it).

The four kids are stranded in the human realm, but what does that actually mean, for most of them? For Luz, this carries a lot of weight. She’s spent all season trying to find a way home to see her mother, but is now there under awful circumstances with no way back to the place she actually wants to be. It will also offer Camilla the perfect opportunity to see why the Boiling Isles and her family there is so important to Luz.

But what does this mean for the other three kids? Shockingly little. Like I’ve touched on before, we know nothing about Gus and Willow’s families. Yes, I’m sad they’re separated from them, but I’m sad because generally, kids being separated from their parents is sad. I’m not invested in their specific relationship (same issue I had with Rogue One and Jyn’s relationship with her father, as well). All Luz actually wants, in her core, is to stay in the Boiling Isles. Amity’s relationship with her father is on the mend and her siblings are there for her, but Luz is still clearly the most important person in the world to her, and they’re not separated. Hunter has absolutely nothing back for him in the Boiling Isles, largely, and he’s actually as safe as he can be from Belos’ machinations in the human realm.

So you have four kids tossed into the human realm, and it only really matters for one of them.

This is amplified in their relationships. Willow and Gus rarely have anything beyond interpersonal stakes; Amity had her mother, but now her father has turned over a new leaf, there are no interpersonal stakes any longer for her family (and she radically stood up to her mother very early on in S2 as well). She and Luz have had no problems in their relationship besides very brief miscommunication and Amity’s mother. Amity has hardly any stakes outside of Luz. The characters who are dealing with very high stakes, such as Raine, are largely shuttered away outside of the story — or Hunter.

Dear lord, Hunter. Which, now that we’ve gotten here, let’s talk about what I think could have aided in remedying a lot of these issues

4. Merging

Now I know TOH had to jump through a lot of executive hoops (including the existence and plot relevance of Hexside particularly in S1) so I don’t know what sort of orders came down, or mandates they have to follow but:

TOH has too many characters, and plenty of them could have been condensed as pairs into half as many characters.

I know this, because I went through a similar process of originally having a central group of thirteen characters, and cleaved that shit down to seven. So what are my proposed mergings?

The twins become one character. They more or less are now, fulfil the same purposes and character points as one another (flesh out Amity’s family, tease her and be a listening ear, show their mother’s control, operate as illusionists, etc). Whether it’s brother or sister doesn’t really matter.

Gus and Willow become one character. I would say keep more of Willow’s backstory (w/ Amity), dads, and plant magic alight, as the merged-twin character could substitute as the group illusionist whenever need be. It means that instead of only having splintered individual episodes with Luz or for their development, the small collection would be bolstered and improved marginally. It still wouldn’t fix where screentime or set up fails them, but it would be a significant start. I adore Gus, he’s one of my favourites in the whole show — but he’s less plot relevant than Willow, who is already largely not plot relevant (at least, not outside Hunter’s arc in S2) and we gotta be economical somewhere.

Economical storytelling is when a character, scene, or plot beat is doing at least three things at once, largely — and right now Gus is doing the least, as much as I love my boy, with Willow right next to him. Thus, there we go.

Now for the big, perhaps flat out unpopular one:

Hunter and Amity should’ve been one character. Like the twins, and even Amity and Lilith, they’re largely one theme split down the middle. The show draws intentional parallels between their world views, callousness, and need to be the best due to their abusive families, their strong relationships / connections to Luz, who works to friendship and who are changed by her kindness. There are also less thematic but still overt parallels, like their artificial wands, opposing palismans (bird vs cat), travelling into mindscapes where they uncover secrets. Hell, they both even have a reformed father figure who works with the Abominable coven with a shittier parent who believes in their own superiority at any cost.

Say Golden Guard Amity is enrolled in Hexside — she has to be trained somewhere — and throughout the season we hear her refer to her uncle, who raised her. He just wants the best for her, and for her to be a worthy member of the Emperor’s coven! It’s only at the end of S1 we learn that Amity’s uncle is Belos, and that her growing bond with Luz may be tested in the future. Then, in S2, she has to make a choice between her familial loyalty, ideological defection, and Luz and her friends (who will have more time to be friends, because there are less characters running around). You can even keep the condensed twin as a surrogate sibling mentor — perhaps one of Belos’ more successful grimwalkers, or flat out not a clone at all.

This merger gives Luz and Amity real stakes in their relationship, a higher sense of drama amid the sweet fluffiness, gives more characters more screentime... And amplifies everything that already exists in Amity’s arc. Yes, seeing a quieter form of child abuse from Odalia is worthwhile, particularly for abused children — but as of S2 she’s basically gone full bad guy and has already done so before in early S2, as her abomaton nearly kills Luz in “Escaping Expulsion” so... moot point? Sorta? Is what I’m saying.

It would also, for the love of god, give Amity a solidified reason to dye her hair after she finds out she’s a grimwalker. She wants to reassert her own identity, she wants to be different than her successors while also honouring their good nature, etc etc. Imagine “Hollow Mind” but with Amity in Hunter’s place, and all the weight that would hold for each of them, and for Hunter’s character, now condensed into Amity’s. Also stronger parallels of Belos’ clones becoming less like his brother (because Amity is a girl) over time and with parallels of the implied plot line, of Belos killing his brother because Caleb fell in love with a witch, and it’s happening again, this time just with Luz and Amity, directly.

Basically the only things that would have to change would be a little of S1′s pacing, some of S2′s Blight parent related episodes (so largely two until the finale, which again, Darius or the condensed twin could easily substitute)oOr, to come full circle, you could have Lilith also play a factor, the way she did in Amity’s arc in the beginning. This would provide a greater sense that characters actually had lives and connections and little ship passing in the night moments before Luz showed up, and they would all feel more like!! REAL PEOPLE!!

The only thing that would possibly, likely have to go is Willow’s history with Amity.But given that the show has never really addressed the bullying, perhaps that backstory element would be better left dropped, in general. Amity can be a jerky bully without specifically bullying Luz’s friend for like, 4-6 years beforehand, y’know.

Anyway I will never not believe in the validity of what I call TOH Merger and how it would strengthen basically almost every single aspect of the show, take it or leave it.

Conclusion / Nitpicks

Other notes before we wrap up.

I got bored with just how many episodes relied on the “Character A doesn’t want to fess up to something bc they’re insecure, scared, or trying to look Cool, but inevitably lie and make things ten times worse, and then learn it’s important to be honest” in S1 (hi King, Luz, Willow, and Gus eps respectively).

Amity’s laser character focus on Luz stifles her relationships with both Willow and Gus (as it is more or less non existent outside of a few lines or group scenes); all of Amity’s character growth is largely because of her relationship with Luz, but the same cannot be said for Luz, leaving their relationship lopsided. This is particularly true for me (and is a total personal Aro-spec induced nitpick) and is all the more glaringly obvious considering they barely had one episode where the two were on friendly / friend-ish terms before crush feelings on Amity’s side came in. This makes me feel less invested in their relationship as a whole, as while it’s exceedingly cute, it feels like it’s based on nothing but Crush™ Feelings and that will also be less compelling to me than a strong Foundational Friendship that develops into a crush. I don’t mind that development happening fast, but this was a little too fast in my book.

Final disclaimer: Still like the show, still think it’s good, these are just some of the reasons I don’t think it’s Great. The lack of a Merger will haunt me. Thank you goodnight

276 notes · View notes