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seadem-on · 4 years

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Come in, it’s cold outside

A small fic - unabridged, written in the span of two hours, with original character Ellie, a self insert. I would like you to know that I am not in my forties though. the idea came because I wanted to be able to beat Blondie with a stick but then I discovered he maybe needed the opposite. So here is the epilogue to The Good the Bad and the Ugly we deserve.

A small wooden ranch, barely distinguishable in the dark purple horizon. Smoke blowing from the chimney in the cool evening air. He walked slowly to the front door. As he climbed the steps, a cat greeted him. He was about to bow down to caress him when he heard a gun cocking, followed by a voice as cool as the evening air. “Take your gun off and step back”. He smiled and did as the voice said, which belonged to a woman hidden behind the curtains. “I am sorry it’s so late, Ellie”. He heard hurried footsteps stalking up to him. The door slammed open and a woman in her forties with ruffled blonde hair and a blue eyed scowl appeared in light of the entrance, warmed by the light of the fireplace. She eyed him and her scowl gradually disappeared. “Didn’t know my baby brother would come round”. “Will you forgive me?” Her lips opened up in a big smile. “Come in, it’s cold outside”.

He sat himself on the large chair in front of the fireplace, a glass of water in his hand. Ellie sat in a chair opposite of him and took a good look at him. “You don’t look bad for someone who has been out in the Wild West for the last ten years”. He smiled, and took a sip of water. “You know, I can take good care of myself, Ellie”. She knew. Her baby brother had always been the family’s wonder, one step ahead of everyone in planning how to provide for their needs, taking care of them after their father passed away and their mother fell ill. They had helped each other a lot, back then. They were very similar, both fiercely stoic in their endeavors and unwilling to ask for help - not even a cry - but steady and silent in their taking care of their brothers and sisters. Her baby brother was keen on taking care of the cattle, and rescued animals that were injured, nursing them back to health - as he did with everyone in their family. Only when he fell ill nobody noticed - he never told, never wanted to be a burden on anyone. He was the silent kid, protecting himself from the world by relying on his own strentgth and acute mind. He always made it. She believed in him. So much that when he ventured to the West she took the decision with a peaceful mind - she knew her brother was different, and was not made for the calm and monotonous ranch life. His mind was too acute to be satisfied with everyday matters. He demanded challenges. She had always knew he was different, not only for his mind but also for his heart, which he kept hidden as if carefully wrapped in tight bandages, unused. Girls from other ranches had started to gossip about him when they saw he didn’t care about them - not inviting them to dance, not looking at them with the curious and slow glances as the other boys did. It was so much better for him that he had ventured to the West, where a man could have no history, could not think about the future nor the past, and where only one’s ability with a gun and with the mind mattered. He happened to have been blessed with both. She was not sure then why he had come back, or what was it that had made him want to cut it out with that life. But she wanted to find out. She knew it would not be easy as her brother guarded his heart from everyone including himself. “I can’t believe life in the West got so boring it made you come back here to your big ol’ sister.” “Why Ellie. You can’t believe it because it didn’t. It never gets boring, it just gets too dangerous.” “Too dangerous? For you?” He looked away. “It seems so, yes. Besides I can’t stand a war. Too many lives wasted”. He went quiet for a moment. What had happened in the war? Was it because of something connected to it, that he had come back? “Well baby, you know you are safe here. I have been working tirelessly around here and made this a fine place. I am glad you are here and we are together again”. He seemed taken aback by those words, suddenly losing his albeit faint smile. His eyes were dark. “But you don’t seem happy”. He looked at her, and she saw that he had something inside he was holding onto and was not willing to talk about. “Do you miss something?” He sighed and smiled tenderly again. “I am happy to be here with you Ellie.” She gazed at him. “It’s not about me idiot. Do you want someone to be with you?” She saw him tense all of sudden, his blue eyes lost in thought, and she grinned. “You know baby, I always thought you were alone out there”. He looked away again. “I was not alone”. A pause. “I had a partner”. She chose not to say anything and studied his reaction. Though he was looking away and she could not see his eyes, she saw he was smiling. “We had this scam together. We would go from town to town and get his bounty and split it.” She wondered how this man could have been - stupid enough to risk his life, desperate maybe, and in need of company, and brave, and full of trust in her brother. She felt sympathy for this man.

She told her brother so. “Yes. He was a good partner”. She knew the weight behind those words. Her brother seldom had shown admiration for anyone, and probably had not even told this man so. Maybe shown him, yes. “And so what happened? Did you break your partnership?” A sigh.

“I did. It was getting too dangerous, I told you. He was...” his voice broke. “I... didn’t want to...”. She was flustered. “I am sorry baby. I didnt know he had died...” he turned suddenly and she finally could see his eyes. They were red, his lips now curled in an unpleasant smirk. “He didn’t die. I left him.” “You left?” “Yes. But we somehow found each other again. We travelled a lot, he was focused on his objective, and I was the only one who could help him. We had a deal. Sort of. I thought I had the upper hand. I thought I could get out of it any time. But each day it became harder to get out. Until I didn’t want to anymore. I... we had found something we both wanted, something for us.” He smiled fondly, and looked at her. It was the first time she saw him smile like that, and it warmed her heart. “Baby, I am so glad for you. You deserve it. Thats what I have always wanted for you”. He lost his smile, and gazed at her. “I... told you. It was getting too dangerous, Ellie. I left him.” Fondness had disappeared from his features and had been replaced by a cold mask. His look distant. She remembered then what the workers from their neighboring ranch had done, when they found him and his first crush in the wood repository. They were just hugging - or so she had reconstructed - but the workers had scared them away with their rakes, like rats, saying they were abominable, that they were a shame in the eyes of God, and they should be punished. Her brother’s little boyfriend - she was fond of him even if she didnt know him - was found on the bottom of a rock cave. He had stayed mute for months since then. He stopped touching and hugging her, as well as his other siblings and mother, but they often found him petting fondly their cats, looking for affection from those whom he knew could not harm him. After all their neighbours had done him no harm, maybe because he had helped them with their cattle now and then. they just stopped talking to him altogether. She had not been able to help him then. She wanted to now. So she went up to him, and stroked his hair. They were as soft as ever. His hard features melted. “this world is dangerous and hard, but you know I will protect you”. He looked at her. “I want you to know that you don’t have to stop yourself from being happy because you fear you will harm those you love. It was not your fault. You hear me? It’s ok if you are not ready now. But please know that you are free and your love is not a shame, it’s beautiful and worth being seen”. His eyes were red and swollen. She put her arms around him and stroked his back while he hugged her tight. They stayed like that for a long time. When they parted she smiled at him. “I love you and I hope you will be able to tell it to someone one day”. He got up suddenly and said he went outside to smoke. Their cat entered as he went out on the porch, and she picked it up and petted it. Ellie thought, who knows where this man is now, maybe he has forgotten him already, maybe this world is too big and violent. Or maybe, I hope, it is small and kind. She heard suddenly a voice outside. “Blondie, you son of a -“ she immediately grabbed her gun and dashed out of the door, the cat still in her arms, the gun ready to aim, until she saw them. Hugging.

#the good the bad and the ugly #blonco #tuco ramirez #ch: blondie #fanfiction #gay cowboys #tw: violence #angst #tw: sexism #fluff #hug #hurt/comfort #emotional hurt/comfort

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blkgirlcafe · 4 years

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Home PT. 5

Viktor Drago x Cyra (Black OFC)

Cyra (Ky-Ra) -Sun or throne

Kazimir (Kah-Zee-Meer) - Bringer or Announcer of peace

Viktor Drago is married to the love of his life, they have a 5 year old son. He is willing to do anything to keep them safe.

Warning: Kidnapping, abuse, mentions of child abuse

Flashback 4

Viktor was absent from the gym for two weeks, Ivan thought of a punishment. After coming home late and missing his alarm in the morning Ivan made him go to the countryside. One of Ivan's friends owned a farm and he had to go work there, while also doing workouts. But today he was back, Ivan had a meeting setting up his next fight in a week and he was by himself. He went through his normal routine, keeping a look out for Cyra.

When she finally entered with the girl she was always with he smiled to himself, happy to see her.

Cyra looked up after Anna nudged her arm.

“There goes your giant boyfriend.” she joked.

“Chill out, obviously he doesn't like me.”

“Oh yeah then why he is smiling, when have you ever seen Drago smile.”

“He is probably just happy to be back in the gym, leave me alone.”

Yeah Cyra was a little snappy, she missed home, she missed her brothers, she sighed as she started to stretch, not even looking over in Viktor direction.

Viktor frowned, she didn't even look at him. Normally she would at least smile at him, mouthing a little hello. He hoped he didn't upset her in any way, he would apologize before he left.

Viktor worked out, keeping one eye on her as he did so. Her bubbly personality just wasn't here today, she was gray like the weather. The gym slowly emptied out, Viktor pushed himself to keep going, just to watch over her. The friend left as Cyra was sitting on a row of mats doing sit ups.

Viktor walked over to her, sweat drenching his tank top to his body.

“Hey.” was all he could say, suddenly everything he wanted to say got jumbled in his mind.

“Hey Vik.” she leaned back on her arms, breathing heavy.

“I am sorry…”

Cyra cut him off with a wave of a hand, “You don't have anything to be sorry about, you don't owe me anything, you are a grown ass man.”

Viktor was stuck not sure what to say, he took a few steps back as she got up and gathered her things.

“See ya later.” and just like that she was gone.

Viktor went back to the punching bag, confused about the interaction. On one hand she said he didn't need to be sorry, but she was clearly upset. Viktor didn't have a lot of experience with women, none as a matter of fact, at 25 he only been with one woman sexually, and that was after he won a fight, she was just a groupie The experience was short, a means to an end. Women were a distraction his father told him. Women came and went, glory was forever.

-------

Viktor was in the gym when they came, and he knew they would. It had been a week since Cyra and Kazi were taken, her brothers were used to talking to her everyday. The doorbell rang and Ivan got the door, telling him to keep going. They quickly fell back into old habits and Viktor didn't like it.

Her two brothers entered the gym with Ivan in the lead.

“Vik where is Cyra, her phone is going straight to voicemail?” the oldest of the two spoke first.

Viktor stopped and turned towards the men, not sure what to say. The oldest, Trey, was a military veteran, now working in private security and he looked like it. He was big, not as big as Viktor but enough so that it would be a fight.

“She left him.” Ivan said, lying.

“Bullshit, because if she did, she would have come to us.”

“Yeah what's up drago?” The younger brother, Malik asked. Like his sister he chose college over the military, getting a graduate degree in microbiology.

“She left me.” it pained him to say it, even if it wasn't true, because Cyra and Kazi were his world and he would never be able to function without them.

“Why?”

They were not backing down, whatever lie he told them, he knew they wouldn't believe it.

“Cheating, I was fucking a groupie.” he sighed, dropping his head.

“Where did she go?” Malik asked.

“She didn't tell me.”

“So let me get this straight, your wife and son leave you and the first thing you do is hop your ass on tv to talk about a fight?”

Trey, never one to shy from a fight, got right in Viktor's face, “You are lying and I swear if anything happens to my sister and nephew I will gut your big ass and your dad. If I don't hear from here in 24 hours I will be back.”

Ivan stood with his arms folded, “You threats mean nothing, she is an american woman, they come and go as they please.”

Trey turned to the older man, “You keep my sister name out your fucking mouth, you think I dont know about you bitch.” Trey lodges a wad of spit at the man's shoes, “I don't have any respect for you, if anything happens to my sister I will make sure you watch your son die slowly.”

They left, leaving the two Drago men together.

“This is all your fault the least you can do is not act like she isn't in danger.” Viktor started to walk away.

“Where are you going, get back to training.”

Viktor spit at his feet, adding to the pile already there.

-----------

Cyra was sitting next to the door, listening as she could faintly hear the phone conversation between Andriy and Viktor. She longed to hear his voice in person. She moved away when she heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Kazi was thankfully sleeping, they let him out this morning to play.

“Come.” came a rough voice.

Cyra got up and followed the men to the kitchen, on the table was her phone, the call still in progress.

“Talk.” Andryi said.

“Hey babe.” she said.

“You and Kazi okay?”

“Yes. How are you vik?”

“Fine. They are going to let you call your brothers, they came looking for you today, I told them you left me, that I cheated, I need you to tell them the same thing.”

“Ok babe. I love you.”

“I love you too Cyra, tell Kazi tata miss and love him.”

The call ended.

“Now, you are going to tell your brothers exactly what I tell you, I don't think I need to make any threats, you already know what will happen.”

They called Trey first, he picked up on the second ring.

“Cyra?”

“Hey Trey.” she tried to make her voice light and airy, Trey could pick up on anything.

“Don't hey Trey me, what the hell is going on. Vik says you left him because he cheated, but you don't call or answer your phone for 5 days. I go by the house and Ivan is there, what in the hell is going on?”

“Sounds about right, he was fucking some girl, I found out, I took Kazi and left, I didnt know what to do. I felt like shit.”

“Nah man this shit aint adding up. Why would you feel like shit because he fucked up, why would you think you couldn't call me or Malik? Where is Kazi? I don't even hear him.”

“He is sleeping.”

“At 2:30? “

“Yes Trey Damm, I don't need the 3rd degree from you shit I got enough going on.”

‘Let me speak to Kazi.”

“He is sleeping Trey, I just said that.”

“I dont give a fuck Cy, something aint right, this shit dont sit well with me and I am starting to get agitated. I will out ya husband so fucking quick so dont play with me.”

Cyra looked around the room, it was clear Andriy didn't like being told what to do, he didn't like that Trey was running shit, but he nodded his head.

“Damm give me a moment.'' The phone was put on mute, she could hear Trey talking to himself about how something just wasn't right, how Viktor barely looked at other women, so how did he cheat.

They took her into the room, she gently woke Kazi.

“Uncle Trey wants to talk to you, Kazi please don't say anything about the bad people.” Cyra cringed at calling them bad people with them in the room.

She unmute the phone, “Kazi Uncle Trey wants to talk to you.”

“What up big man?”

“Hi uncle trey.” he sounded sleepy.

“Where are you at bud, we need to hangout.”

“I’m with Mama.”

“How was school?”

“Fine.” Cyra was coaching him to lie and she hated it.

“When is your next soccer match man, I need to come cheer you on.”

“I dont know.”

“Let me know okay bud, you have dinner?”

This was a trick question, it was barely 3pm.

“No, I had nuggets for lunch.”

“What is mama cooking for dinner?”

“I don't know, she doesn't cook.”

Fuck Cyra thought, taking the phone.

“Are you done Trey, I gotta go.”

“Aight Imma let you go but I need to hear from you tomorrow or in a day or so. Stop ghosting me, and Imma beat Viktor big ass just because.”

“Bye Trey.” she quickly hung up, handing them the phone.

“Come.” she was yanked off the bed and Kazi started crying.

Back in the kitchen she was made to sit.

“Now we have a problem, everything was fine. Why didn't you tell us you had brothers?”

“I just assumed you did your homework, plus you never asked.”

A hand was slapped on the table, making her jump.

“This isnt a game, if they fuck up what we have going I will not hesitate to kill you and your son and be back on the next play to the Ukraine.”

They pushed Cyra back into the room with her son, she found Kazi curled up on the side of the bed on the floor crying. They were all from Ukraine, did they know Viktor from before.

#Viktor Drago #viktor drago x cyra #viktor drago x black woman #smuttywriter #smutty writer #black writers #florian muneanu

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handonshipper · 4 years

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A Twist Through TIme: Chapter Two

Stefan continued walking with Klaus and then entered Gloria's bar once they arrived. He looked over at the witch, who was working on a solution. Or rather faking working on a solution as she tried to figure out what she wanted to know.

Klaus walked in the bar, his gaze immediately falling on the witch. He didn’t hesitate before walking over to her. “Have you found anything yet? Or must I use other...methods in order to motivate you?” He questioned with a smirk on his lips.

"I'm doing the best I can" Gloria said, looking at him. "These things take time." Her head then turned to the front door as the tribrid walked in. She could easily sense her power. "And who are you?" She asked, straightening up, eyeing the girl warily.

Hope swallowed a little as she ran into her dad yet again. "Hope" she said simply.

"Now this one radiates power. More than I've ever seen" Gloria said, looking at her curiously and cautiously.

Hope glanced between Klaus and Gloria. "I should go" she said, looking at the two and taking a step back.

Klaus had been close to threatening the witch. He was already feared before, but now that he broke his curse, he was ten times more powerful. However, He frowned as he listened the words exchanged when Hppe entered the bar. “Not so fast.” He smirked taking a step towards Hope. “And here I thought you were just a useless young girl. It appears I was wrong. Tell me, what exactly are you?” He hadn’t been able to tell when they first met, and he usually could. Which now concerned him considering the witch seemed so cautious of her. More than with Klaus himself it would seem.

"It doesnt matter what I am" Hope said, looking at him as she tightened her grip on the sketchbook she was holding, trying to keep her emotions under control

“Oh I believe it does.” Klaus said smugly. “Especially when I consider the way you are acting right now. So very nervous.” He smirked keeping his eyes locked on hers. “I do recommend you tell me willingly. If I have to make you, I cannot guarantee it will be pretty. Though I suppose it will be much more enjoyable for me and my friend Stefan here.”

"I'm a witch" Hope said. It was 33% true anyways. 50% if you exclude the vampire side she has yet to trigger. She couldnt say she was

Gloria looked at her doubtfully. She had connections to the other side. To a couple witches at least. And none of which were saying anything but that they could sense the girl was an abomination.

Klaus frowned at the answer. He could tell there was more to it. What that could be, he wasn’t sure. But he knew he would find out. “A witch. Excellent. In that case maybe you two can possibly find a solution to my problem.” He suggested though it was clear it wasn’t up to them. He needed to make more hybrids, and he didn’t care who he had to force or threaten so long as he got what he wanted.

Hope sighed in irritation. She really didnt want to have to stop her dad. But she also didnt want to risk compromising the future.. but if she just did the same as the witch, it wouldnt compromise anything yet. Whereas making a scene and attacking her father would. She needed to come up with a plan. "Fine. I'll hold off my plans to try to figure out the spell that sent me here to help you figure out your problem"

she said as she put the sketchbook and pencils (which she had bought to help calm herself)down on a table in the bar and walked over to the witch.

Stefan was watching Hope curiously , a bit worried about what she would find, but he didnt show it. Instead he went closer to the witches. "Do you know who we are?" He asked her, wanting to hear the truth, merely out of curiosity.

Hope looked at him before looking over at Klaus, ignoring the question. "What exactly are we supposed to be doing?" She asked

"She needs Rebekah if you want her to be able to help me find the necklace" Gloria told Klaus.

"There you two are" Rebekah said, walking inside Gloria's bar. "You left me. Rude, both of you. And who is this?" Her gaze was on Hope now. "A snack for the two of you?"

"Shes a witch. Powerful one apparently. Klaus wants to see if she can find the necklace" Stefan filled her in as he walked over to the bar, pouring himself a drink.

Hope straightened herself as she looked at Rebekah. "I'm Hope" she introduced herself.

“Yes well, you were being quite the pain dear sister.” Klaus retorted with a sarcastic smile on his lips, momentarily forgetting about Hope. It wasn’t until Rebekah questioned her existence that he remembered she was there. “Right. She somehow ended up in Stefan’s apartment. Apparently another witch quote, “blasted” her in there. If such a thing is even possible.” He said rolling his eyes as he clearly still didn’t fully believe her story. “Frankly if she cannot find the necklace either then I truly will wish she was a snack.” He snorted. “Come to think of it I am getting a bit peckish. What do you say we go find someone to drain once we are finished with this?” He asked looking at Stefan as his lips shaped into a smirk.

"Mmm. I could use a snack" Stefan said with a grin as he downed his glass

"Come on. Let's get this over with" Rebekah whined impatiently, holding her hand out to Hope. "I want my bloody necklace"

Hope looked up at her aunt Rebekah before taking her hand gently and closing her eyes, trying to sense something like she has been requested. Suddenly, she caught a glimpse of a girl that looked like Bonnie Bennett. Younger version. She listened and heard Stefan's name. The pieces fell together about what was exactly going on. She kept her eyes closed for a moment longer.

"Do you have anything?" Stefan asked. "Or are you useless as well?"

Hope kept her eyes closed for an extra moment. She let go of Rebekah, opening her eyes quickly. She placed a quick and whispered sleeping spell both on Gloria and Stefan before standing up as the two collapsed unwillingly.

Klaus had been watching intently as Hope tried to find the necklace he needed. When she opened her eyes, he was about to question her himself but Stefan beat him to it. He soon blinked in surprise however when Stefan suddenly collapsed. “What is this? What have you done to him?” He asked threateningly as he now glared at Hope. He didn’t do anything yet, but the wrong answer would very well end with her dead.

"I put them under a sleeping spell. Neither of them are on your side. I heard some girls talking about Stefan. Yes I know who you both are. Which means, chances are, he knows exactly where the necklace is. And as for the witch, Gloria, if I can figure this all out in a matter of seconds, she should have been able to as well. Clearly she doesnt want you to have the necklace either" Hope explained, looking at her dad. "Look, if I was against you, wouldnt I have done it to you instead?" She reasoned

Klaus was silent for a few minutes, simply letting that sink in. He wasn’t surprised about Gloria, seeing as he appeared to be an abomination to all witches. Even his own mother. And he never did trust her. But Stefan...that one did surprise him. And if he was honest, it even hurt him. He considered him his friend. Yet it turns out this whole time he had merely been humoring him. But of course he refused to let any of that pain show.

“Alright. Fine. Then tell me where the necklace is. If you aren’t against me as you in fact say.”

"Mystic Falls" Hope replied, looking at him. "Neither will wake up until I remove the spell"

"Well, you're coming with us" Rebekah said. "Just in case you are lying."

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Klaus mumbled mainly to himself. Of course Stefan didn’t want him poking around in Mystic Falls. Not where his precious friends were. He didn’t think the young witch was lying, but he couldn’t afford to take any chances. “Alright. Mystic Falls it is. Come on then...what was your name again?”

Hope sighed softly, wishing she could just be left out of it. She didnt know how much she could take. "My name is Hope" she said for the third time.

Rebekah picked up Stefan easily. "What do we do with him, Nik? He lied to us, assuming the witch is telling the truth"

“Right. Hope. Strange name.” Klaus mumbled thoughtfully before being snapped out of it by Rebekah. His gaze fell on Stefan’s collapsed form. Anger flashed in his eyes for a moment before it quickly disappeared. “We leave him. Clearly he was attempting to protect one of his less than worthy friends. I say we leave him with the knowledge that doing so, will only result in me possibly murdering them all.”

He smirked at the thought. “Slowly and painfully.”

Hope sighed softly as Rebekah dropped Stefan in a booth before stabbing him in the gut as payback. She tore her gaze away, hating how this was happening to him. That it was her fault because she couldnt just go along with things. "So does that mean you want me to wake him up?" the tribrid questioned, looking at him.

Klaus thought about it for a moment. His lips curled upwards as a thought came to mind. “Yes actually. I have the perfect plan for our traitor.” He said and took a seat at the booth across from Stefan. “Go on.” Hope sighed softly at that and woke up Stefan before turning away and grabbing her sketchbook.

Stefan's eyes slowly opened, and he pushed himself up and groaned at the feeling of wood in his stomach. He pulled it out painfully and tossed it to the ground. "What happened?

Klaus smirked as he looked at Stefan, hiding away any type of hurt emotions just like he was used to doing by now. “Oh I can tell you what happened. However you already know. You betrayed me. And whilst normally punishment for such a thing is death, I have something far, far worse.”

"What are you talking about?" Stefan questioned, looking confused.

"Drop the act. The person with the necklace was discussing you. And the necklace is in Mystic Falls. So chances are you know exactly who has it. Yet you didnt tell him" Hope said.

Klaus’ smirk widened a little as he listened to Hope. He had to admit he could get used to having someone actually being on his side for once. This girl just met him and yet she was already defending him far more than his siblings ever did. “Which means you were protecting them the entire time and this whole, you are now on my side thing was nothing but a ruse.” He looked directly into Stefan’s eyes then. “See, typically I would have ripped your heart out by now. However, I think my arrangement is far better. I am going to go to Mystic Falls. You are going to stay here until I tell you you are allowed to return.” He said, speaking each word slowly as he compelled him. “Which, if we’re honest, will be once I rip the heart out of whoever has the necklace.” He grinned.

Stefan felt the compulsion sinking in. His inability to move. To leave. "Klaus, dont do this" he said, looking at him, worry obvious in his eyes

Hope sighed softly and sat down, thinking of how much she had already changed things. For all she knew, she was already on the path to erasing her whole existence. To erasing the twins from being born. Her heart sank, and she swallowed hard. "What about making him come with us but having his humanity off and under your control completely? Once the humanity comes back, the guilt about whatever he does comes back hard" Hope suggested casually as she poured herself some water and took a sip

Klaus openly glared at Stefan, hating the plea that left his lips. He betrayed him and then he had the nerve to beg him not to act on his anger? “You pretended to be on my side and now you have the audacity to ask me to have mercy?” He questioned, clearly prepared to say more. Though of course then he heard Hope and instantly he smiled in satisfaction. He liked this girl, whoever she was. “What a wonderful idea, Hope. Not only will the outcome be the same, but now I get to personally witness his guilt. I have to say I love the way you think.” He smirked once more. “Very well. Change of plans. We are following Hope’s idea.”

Hope felt guilty, but she knew it had to be done. It was what had happened last time. Things were going to have to happen right. Even if she hated it. Besides, Stefan did betray her father. But still.... he did die for the town. She finished her drink and watched.

Stefan's heart sank at that, already dreading it and what would happen to Elena because of this. He just hoped Damon and Bonnie and Caroline would be able to protect her.

Klaus smirked in satisfaction as he observed Stefan’s expression. “Come on then. I want to get to Mystic Falls as soon as possible.” After all, the faster he found the necklace, the faster he could figure out why his hybrids weren’t surviving.

Stefan got up out of the booth, already dreading what was to come. He didnt say anything. There was no point. He couldnt pretend anymore. Klaus was about to learn the truth about Elena. And there was nothing he could do to stop it. Rebekah put down her glass, fighting her instinct to hurt Stefan again. His betrayal hurt her because she still loved him. "Come on" she told Hope before leading her out of the bar. Hope followed Rebekah, holding her sketchbook close to her as they made their way to where their vehicle was. She looked over at the blonde before looking away.

Klaus headed out, his mind only thinking of what everything would be like once he had his hybrids. He would truly be invincible. “I am curious to see who it was you were protecting.” He smirked as he glanced over at Stefan. “More than that, I suppose I’m curious what it will be like for you when I kill whoever it is. Or perhaps you should be the one to do it hm? Yes. That sounds like a better idea.”

#hope mikaelson #legacies #cw legacies #legacies cw #vampire diaries #tvd #klaus mikaelson #stefan salvatore #rebekah mikaelson #a twist through time #A twist through time chapter two

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letstalksymphogear · 5 years

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Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

youtube

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

#symphogear #symphogear season 1 #anime #recap #comedy

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thoughtfulpaperback · 5 years

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SPOILERS!!!! CHARMED 1x19

Okay y'all, I've finally seen the latest episode of Charmed.

So... overall I actually like the episode. I like that we are getting into the lore more. I like that connection to and the differences between the OG Charmed.

So in the OG Charmed magic isnt necessarily neutral. There is good and evil magic but (at least in the first few seasons) there was the idea that magic had to be balanced which is why there was a council made up of elders and demons to protect that balance and ensure the secrecy of magic.

Reboot Charmed I like the idea that all magic comes from one source and it is the actions that determine evil or good. Which just reaffirms what Harry has told Macy. By the same hand, there are some plot holes in all that. Macy is having a little bit of trouble with her demonic side since they said demon blood acts as an infection (and apparently Parker didnt always have it) that would mean that although witches are born demons are not or at least special conditions have to be met, maybe? So not sure how they will explain that. Also Macy is obviously having trouble with her demon side now. I dont know if her emotional state after the break up is contributing to that since her confidence is probably shaken as well as the fact breakups suck.

I actually don't mind the opening scene showing the Sarcana deaths. Hold on! Let me explain. The big villains of the show are white, I dont know if that is on purpose. I see they are trying to be diverse by having non-white witches and non-witches. So when you are trying to have diverse casting and people have to die and you only have white villains, your POCs are always gonna be on the chopping block. Which is why i think having diversity on a show is hard because you cant be callous with any of your characters (in general I dont think you should be, but i feel a lot of show writers write for shock or angst) because you have to remember that certain storylines take on a different meaning when the actors are non white. For example, OG charmed wasnt a stranger to mass murder. Season 4 started with the slaughter of the Elders and whether you were pro or anti elder that was still shocking as heck. Which I think the reboot was trying to do with the Sarcana. The issue is that in the OG we had 3 seasons of elders exploring thier faults and the good they do, and both the slaughters(titans) and elders were white (well primarily white, I think we only got to see like 2 non white elders in the entire series if I remember correctly). Here you have a white villian and mostly POCs being slaughtered. I totally see how wrong that looks and I think the writers or the casting directors either missed that or they are being heavy handed with the idea of abusive white villains against POCs. I think the scene was about showing how aweful and abusive Fiona is, also revealing her main motivation, that they dropped the ball on the whole "you are murdering most of you POCs here which arent main characters".

Speaking of abusive. I still want Villian Charity. I want her to take out Alastair and be an active villain not a passive one. I mentioned before that see would probably be a passive one before, but I said I wished she wouldn't be. I like villains. I like well written villains mostly. I think Charity has the perfect set up to be good villian. She began her own fall from grace (although the structure which taught her had a hand in it too), she fell into bigger evil under a tyrannical and abusive character, if she goes Lilith (CAOS reference) and decides to replace Alistair some way as the big bad I will be happy. Because I dont want to watch her be a meek used and abused character to then either be killed or do some sort of self sacrifice thing. She straight up murdered people and is a villain in spite of mostly being passive. Cole was killed in the OG charmed because at some point (we can argue about exactly where) his actions were irredeemable. Yes his story was complex, yes a lot of miscommunication and power dynamics went into all the issues there but the line had to be drawn. Charity, at least in my mind cannot go back to being "a good guy". She is getting in deeper and deeper. She obviously has emotional ties still to her sister and probably Harry, just as Cole did with Phoebe, and I want to see where those ties lead her. But I will be disappointed if after murdering a bunch of people and helping out a demon to try and bring on the apocalypse, they make her an abuse victim who dies. Not cool. Stop hurting abuse victims for emotional reactions on television! I know many abuse victims are killed by their abusers (RIP Dr. Wagner although Hunter did it we know who ordered him to). I dont want to see it overdone on the same show within a few short episodes. Charity shouldnt get off free for her murders either even though she is obviously in an abusive relationship now with Alistair (not talking romantic relationship) she has been set up to become a villian, tragic back story yes ,but her choices were made and she has to live with the unintended consequences.

Macy was being super toxic this episode. Let's at least call her out for it. Yes, imo Galvin hasnt been that great of a boyfriend except for a couple of cute moments (the really didnt get enough screen time to say whether the good outweighed the bad). But Macy needed to leave him alone. Like the whole time watching this episode I was just like "so are they spreading out the Cole and Phoebe arch to everyone?". He obviously is traumatized. He already told her he was out. I know she is hurting, imo they way he broke up with her made it worse and messed up her confidence even more than it could have, but she still seeks him out even though that is a violation of his boundaries. I dont like how he attacked her personality when he said that he couldnt compartmentalize the way she can. Macy does do that, I agree that they probably would have broken up because of that, but again he could have just said "I dont see it that way, please understand that". That also said, Macy trying to convince him other wise also rubbed me that wrong way. When he questioned her thoughts and actions over her demon side it was hella wrong! Equally for her to question him over how he feels about what happened to him. They are his feeling and she needed to respect that. I think that they arent right for each other and are kinda bring out the worst in each other. If Galvin gets killed because of magic I will be upset, because he firmly expressed that he wanted out, and if Macy or his lingering feelings for her get him killed that would be unfair. Just as unfair as charity dying doing something good after being abused and manipulated (abuse should never be a punishment I dont want a theon grey joy on Charmed characters shouldnt have to be abused to convince the audience that they deserve to be redeemed).

Parker and Maggie...I feel for Parker. I do. But your decision to not play a part in bringing about the apocalypse shouldnt be based on whether or not your girlfriend wants to be with you. I get it, he is freaked out and he thinks he killed his mom. Charity killed elders out of panic and I didnt cut her slack. I called her story a tragedy but didnt suggest her actions werent heinous. Parker is the same. I am getting Romeo and Juliet vibes here. Like stupid kids making stupid decision based on misunderstandings and feelings beyond thier Ken (or at least infatuation and adolescent hormones beyond thier knowledge). I never liked Romeo and Juliet so that could just be me.

I dont know. When my brother passed away I felt dead, my whole world and future as i saw just crumbled. I was depressed and had some PTSD (according to my doctor). Even though I had suicidal ideations, I still feel that in Parkers place I wouldnt do something that would involve hurting other people. I wanted to go away or disappear, but the idea of hurting others would be too much for me. And Parker is supposed to be this nice guy who has been fighting his demon side before he met Maggie. Maggie gave him the motivation to break away from his father but he was never into hurting people. So to go from that to, "let's destroy the world, I've got nothing to lose" ....except you might end up killing Maggie and a whole bunch of other people in the process. Considering he was horrified thinking he hurt his mom, it doesnt seem to be in character. Again Romeo is not thinking things through, but like not thinking things through was kind of Romeo's thing whereas for Parker not so much.

So like Mel and Niko should be the new Piper and Leo. Like they should be the one couple that despite there issues (only if it is done better than leo and piper was) makes it til the end from the very beginning. I am a Hacy fan but as the episodes go on I feel that they both need a lot of growth before that happens.

Speaking of Harry. I love him. He has recieved the best character growth within a season I've seen. So like he is an established good guy (not good as in not evil, but like a genuinely not trashy person) but obviously his faults kind of go along with his emotional boundaries. He gets attached really fast and that can cloud his judgment. His whole Charity relationship was so teenager in nature that I wanted to slap him upside the head, but I think he is ment to be compared to Fiona. In spite of being created and used as a tool of the Elders and being tossed aside coldly (although he was an idiot in many ways where Charity was concerned) after years of loyal and good service, he doesnt turn into a trash monster. He doesnt use being abused as an excuse to abuse others. Fiona is so angry (not gonna say she doesnt have a right to be) at being a tool for others that she uses and abuses people and feels justified in it.

I totally get her wanting to extinguish magic. But like ber issue is that magic made people want to use her as a tool and that power and having power ruined her life.... wouldnt it make more sense to just bind your powers and wipe you mind? Like less carnage and you get the same result. A life without magic. See doesnt seem to be doing it to protect others, it seems more like she wants to hurt them by taking thier power.

The episode was ok. Things moving along and I will be watching. I really want to know where they go from here and what the big finale will be.

The lore needs some help, maybe with the new staff coming on board that will be ironed out next season.

I think the last episode was better pacing wise. This one felt a little slow to me. Anyone else feel that way. Lots of problem introduced this episode I am hoping they will lead to satisfying conclusions. Or at least a super good itch for the next season. I will probably still continue to watch either way next season because for its faults I think this show is doing some really great things and i am still excited for them.

How are y'all feeling though?

#charmed remake #charity callahan #charmed 2018 #charmed reboot #charmed cw #cw charmed #harry greenwood #macy vaughn #mel vera #maggie vera #fiona callahan #niko hamada

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i-writing-is-hard-i · 6 years

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Blood Traitor pt7

Summary: You are Draco’s older sister. A pureblood Witch, without the prejudice and anti-muggle beliefs of your family. Who just so happened to fall in love with none other than a blood traitor, just to complicate matters more Voldemort has returned. What will you do?

okay, I suck at writing descriptions,

[Disclaimer] Mentions of sex, violence, and hints of torture, I may have screwed up the timeline somewhere along the way, and no one dies, because, thats sad

[Begining] - [Previous] - [Next]

Part 7

Days had passed since George’s love confession, yet you still had a spring in your step. You had noticed George looked happier than normal too. The two of you managed to meet up every two days. Thankfully. Even if it meant sitting in silence to do homework. Well, you did homework, he goofed off, but he let you get on with it without much fuss. Sometimes you would read while he worked on something for his shop. It was nice, and you couldn’t hope for more.

It was now time for the first Quidditch match of the school year. Gryffindor v Slytherin, even if your boyfriend was on opposing team, you had to root for your own house right?, though most were nothing but thugs. Today was the first time you had ever felt embarrassed by the other supports. They had come up with a cruel chant for Ron, he already had confidence issues, this was not helping. As the crowd chanted, Lee Jordan tried to drown it out. You could faintly make out a lion’s roar, scanning the Gryffindor crowd you found the source, someone was wearing a large lion’s head, it actually looked pretty cool, you quickly enchanted it, without being noticed so that the roars would drown out the noise of the Slytherin’s but it only made them sing louder, they were pretty much screaming at this point. It was deafening

You were actually a little disappointed when your team was winning, you had a feeling it was because of the chanting, but the snitch still had to be caught, that would turn it around and just as you were thinking that, Harry dove, followed by your brother. Harry caught it. The Gryffindor’s won. The crowd erupted into cheers and complaints. You watched the teams land, Gryffindors players swarming Harry. Your heart sunk when you watched Draco walking towards them. Just as you guessed, he said something, probably cruel. Whatever it was angered the twins, from here you couldn’t really tell who was who, but one of them was being held back by two people, while Harry held the other. Suddenly Harry and the Twin he was holding back dove on to Draco, you instinctively stood up, he was an arse, but he is still your brother. You didn’t have to do anything though, Professor McGonagall intervened. The two were ushered away from the rest, while Draco was seen too.

You had reached the common room, before Draco, but he as soon as he entered everyone bombarded him.

“Draco what did you say to them?” Pansy asked

“Nothing, I only spoke the truth” Draco feigned innocence.

“Then why would they attack you like that, That Potter really is crazy, and those blood traitor Weasleys” someone spoke, you felt yourself become defensive.

“You were talking about their mothers” someone explained, in an indifferent tone

“Well, of course, they got angry you insulted their loved one’s idiot. You don’t get to play the victim when you do something like that” you pointed out. Some people agreed with you, others just glared.

“Well, I only told the truth” Draco lied.

“Really? And what was it you said” you continued.

“I simply pointed out that their house stink” Draco smiled

“You insulted a dead woman Draco, that’s pretty shameful” you were getting annoyed at how calm and okay with that he was, but you didn’t let it show.

“And? why do you care?” Draco asked defensively

“Why do I care that my brother is acting like a right dick? Because it’s embarrassing” you kept your cool, the people around you stiffened, turning their attention to other things, but of course, they were still listening.

“Since when did you start caring so much about the Weasley’s and Potter?”

“It’s not them, its the fact that you're, well, you are a childish bully and it’s embarrassing, and I am not going to argue with you, especially in front of everyone, so I am going” you stood up leaving Draco and heading to your room.

The next day you were waiting for George, he had detention, thanks to his ‘outburst’ you knew it would be after curfew, but you didn’t mind. You kind of wanted to apologise on behalf of Draco. Finally, he came in rubbing his hand, like he was in pain, you looked down to see the scarring. instinctively you ran over to him, grabbing his hand to get a better look.

“What is this?” you asked, looking up at his face. He looked annoyed. You looked back down to his hand, though it was healing, you could tell it was, words, layered on top of each other.

“Did Umbridge have something to do with this?” you asked.

“It’s fine don’t worry about it” George went to pull his hand away, but your grip tightened, pulling out your wand

“Hold still” you ordered. You used Episkey on it, healing the remaining scarring and easing the pain it had caused then you kissed it.

“I know Draco insulted your mum and Lily Potter” you mumbled, “I am sorry, he’s an arse”

“Forget it, it wasn’t your fault” George was blushing bright, from your kiss. Your eyes drifted back to his hand.

“So, what happened?” you repeated.

“Eh, Umbridge’s new punishment” George explained,

“Excuse me, Umbridge’s new punishment? it’s abuse, she hurt you” you were clearly annoyed.

“Well, who’s gonna stand up to her about it, besides’s Fred and I will get her back for this” George smiled, he kind of liked it when you were being protective

“Well, it better be good, but it’s still wrong, do the other teachers know? we should tell them, she can’t get away with this, the old bat” you ranted, pacing the room. George’s smile grew, but then he quickly looked sad again

“This isn’t the worst of it” he muttered.

“What?” you turned to him again, he could see the anger in your eyes.

“Fred, Harry and I have been permanently banned from playing Quidditch while we are at Hogwarts, she got our brooms locked up”

“What!” you practically yelled, “But that leaves your team with no beaters of seeker!”

As annoyed George was, he couldn’t help but smile at your reaction “Gah, you two better make her life a living hell here” you ordered. This made George burst out laughing

“You are adorable, sometimes love” he breathed, “But don’t worry we have it all planned out”.

You joined in on the laughing.

“Good, but this is Draco’s fault and for that I am sorry” you spoke.

“Your brother said some mean things, but we shouldn’t have gone for him like that, bloody deserved it though”

“I should really say no to that, but if the tables were turned I would have probably done the same” you mumbled feeling a little guilty for agreeing

“By the way, where did you learn that spell?” George changed the subject for you.

“Charms, Weasley, some of us pays attention in class” you smiled, George simply shrugged,

A few days later, you were sitting in potions working on the brew in front of you, when you felt eyes watching. You had expected to see George looking at you, but it wasn’t him, it was Tommy, a Slytherin. He used to flirt with you all the time, but Ignis had warned him off you since then he barely talked to you let alone. He wasn’t a bad guy. He seemed to have gained confidence again because recently he had started flirting with you since the start of the year. When you looked up he gave you smile, you quickly smiled back as to not be rude, then turned your attention back to the colourful liquid.

After class, he caught up to you, as you left the room

“So, huh, Y/N, I know we are pretty busy with all this school work, but I was thinking we could head to Hogsmeade this weekend,” Tommy asked, smoothly, with just the right amount of confidence that most girls would love, not you of course. He slowly leaned into inter the pretense that it was so he could hear your reply over the crowd, but it was a little too close for your comfort.

“Actually, I uh, have plans” you replied, you actually hadn’t.

“Oh, well we could hang out after class, it’s not like we have much time left at school to spend together,” Tommy asked

Your eyes darted up to see George watching you could really read his expression, it made you smile.

“Well, maybe pretty busy with school work, but I will let you know, when I am free” you smiled sweetly at him, you had no intention in hanging out with him but you didn’t want to be rude.

You weren’t aware that George was now in earshot of your conversation.

“Great, I look forward to it” Tommy looked pretty happy the outcome, you felt a bit guilty, but it wasn’t like you could tell him ‘Sorry I’m dating someone’ after that rather awkward moment you headed down the corridor towards the library, it was a free period, before Dinner. There was so much work to do. Just as you reached the door, a certain redhead slid a note into your hand, you quickly read it, ‘Meet me’ it was all it said. You were supposed to meet BFF/N but decided you could come up with a good excuse later, besides the two of you had agreed to meet later on anyway so you assumed it would be quick.

Pretending you forgot something in potions you made your way down the corridor, slipping down another without being seen until you reached the far empty room. George was pacing around inside. Once you had closed the door, he had you pinned up against the door. Kissing you harshly. It took your breath away and caused you to drop your bag.

“George?” you breathed, but he moved his lips to your neck, sliding kisses down while his hands gliding down to your arse.

After some more intense moves from George, he pulled away. Looking sheepishly at you.

“Sorry, Tommy has been flirting with you too much for liking” he mumbled. Looking at your slightly annoyed expression. The reason of which was because he pulled away. To show this, you pressed your lips to his, just as urgent as he had. Pushing him back onto the table. He didn’t put up a fight as he stumbled back, you took the opportunity to remove your jumper and his before pressing your lips against his. Part of you was doing this because you simply wanted him, but the other part of you wanted him to know you only cared for him. George didn’t complain at all, lifting you up letting you wrap your legs around his waist.

Things only heated up from there.

The two of you laid in breathless silence beside each other. Your clothes were scattered around the room. It wasn’t exactly the first time the two had done it, but it was never quite as intense. Once you two caught your breath, you both quickly got dressed, rushing down to dinner, looking a bit of a mess, but you covered yourself by saying you had fallen asleep when BFF/N asked.

Later before you were to meet up with George again you headed up to your dorm room to get changed.

“So, What is going on?, I know you are seeing someone, and I am guessing it’s someone you shouldn’t be seeing” BFF/N suddenly asked. You froze mid-change.

“What makes you say that,” you asked, returning, tossing your shirt on the bed.

“Well those marks are a dead giveaway” she continued. You quickly looked in the mirror, finding love bites scattered around your body. You stared wide-eyed at yourself, you hadn’t even noticed them earlier when you were getting changed.

“Uh, well, I” you stuttered what were you going to tell her? You knew she wouldn’t tell anyone, or even judge but was it still the right thing to do?

“Oh, great Godric, is it a teacher, but who would it be?” she started pondering to herself.

“It’s not a teacher” you stated, blankly.

“Oh, then who, if you can’t tell me then that’s okay” she smiled, at you with a slightly sad expression.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, it’s just” you did really want to tell her. She looked so sad, and a little hurt.

“It’s George” you, blurted out. Feeling a little bit better already.

“George who?” just as she asked that realisation hit her. “George Weasley?”

You nodded as she stared.

“Ah, I see, that’s why would can’t tell anyone” she looked sad again.

“Yeah, well, after this year we won’t have to worry about keeping it hidden” you smiled.

“So, how long as it been going on?, is this who you're with when you disappear?, who asked who out” BFF/N bombarded you with questions, it felt normal. You smiled at her, maybe sharing somethings wouldn’t be bad.

“Well, we’ve been dating since the ball, George made the first move and yes he is who I am with when I go off, I am not telling you where I do” she shared, as you continued to get ready. BFF/N wanted to know more and more details but you were going to be late.

“Don’t worry Y/N, I won’t tell anyone and I can help cover you, when you go know” you were grateful for it, you said goodbye and left to go meet George.

You were sitting there for a while before he arrived.

“Sorry I am late, Fred wouldn’t get off my case, he’s eventually going to notice” George replied, he gave you a kiss on the cheek then plopped down beside you.

“You can tell him if you think that’s okay,” you said.

“I think I will if you are really okay with that,” he asked

“Well, thanks to you, BFF/N knows” you pulled down your shirt revealing one of the love bites he had left. George's face went the same colour as his hair.

“Uh, Sorry” he was smiling a bit pleased with himself but then he caught on.

“She won’t tell anyone” you reassured.

George relaxed, laying his head down on your lap,

“I thought we were going to homework” you smiled.

“I have an idea, you read and I listen” he suggested. In Transfiguration, you had to read a few chapters of the textbook, for a quiz tomorrow so you agreed. Reading the book out loud.

George loved the sound of your voice, he could listen to you talk all day, and somehow he managed to take in every word you said and remembered it all. You quizzed him every so often to see if he was actually listening, and he got it right, then again it might have been because you gave him a kiss every time he got a questioned right. All in all, it was a rather productive night. George was the first to get up, helping you up. He quickly gave you a kiss and a hug.

“I love you” he smiled

“I love you too” you kissed him quickly then left.

The next day at breakfast, none of the Weasleys showed up, it was the same at lunch and dinner. Maybe they went home early?. Later that evening you were supposed to meet George again before the Christmas holidays, but he was a no-show. You were getting worried, but who were you to ask? BFF/N tried to reassure you but nothing she said worked.

#George Weasley #George Weasley x reader #George Weasley x you #George Weasley x #George Weasley x Malfoy #George #George x you #George x reader #George x #George x Malfoy #Weasley x #Weasley x you #Weasley x reader #lovelivelovesomemore #Harry Potter #Harry Potter characters

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queer-things-and-stuff · 6 years

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Boo.

Chapter 1

Idk what I'm gonna call it yet

Kara is sleeping when she hears a loud bang and multiple footsteps running through her apartment. She had just finished saving 200 people from a string of fires at 3 different buildings, which she suspects were arson. She knew she had things to do before crashing but she could barely make it back to her apartment after the day she'd had. Normally she'd feel fine, even after something bigger than the fires, but recently she's been exausted at all times of the day. Alex could tell and had previously asked her about it. Kara said it was just her body being tired after everything with Reign and that she would probably just need a while to relax again, which at the time she believed to be true, but that was 4 weeks ago. And if she were being honest, Kara was feeling worse than before. She had barley had an appetite and she couldn't really stand to be out longer than 4 hours of the day which was very unusual For her. She'd made a mental note to talk to Alex about it when she saw her again but Kara really didn't know when that would be. She could blame it on the fact that everyone was still trying to adjust to all of the new changes at the Deo (the disbanding of all weapons, Winn's move to the future , Brainy's move to the present, J'onn's departure and Alex's promotion to the new director of the Deo) but she hadn't seen any of the 'superfriends' since they saved the world and she hadn't seen Alex since the day all of these changes had happened. Kara wouldn't act like she didnt know what was causing this reclusive spell on her life but she wouldn't exactly shout it from the rooftops either. If somone (say Alex) were to ask her what was wrong she would say..... Well she would say something along the lines of

"something's missing and it's my fault that it's gone" to which Alex would probably respond "did you lose your toothbrush again, Kara I keep telling you not to brush your teeth anywhere but your bathroom" Alex would then (most likely) see that that was not what Kara's seemingly scorching problem was due to the pout on her face and say "Kar...What's going on, is something the matter, you know that you can talk to me about anything. You know that right?" Kara would look at Alex and proceed to look down at her now intreging fingernails. Alex would get the message that this explanation needed to be coaxed out of Kara and place a hand on her sisters knee. Kara would look at her sister's hand and then up at the ceiling taking a deep breath trying to fight back the tears that burend throughout her nerves creating a lump in her throught, failing to do so she would open her mouth countless times and at her final attempt to speak, let out a loud sob and let her head fall into her hands , her hair at the sides of her, covering her face. Alex would immideitly rush to scoot closer to her sister on the couch, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her into her chest. Kara would fall into the embrace and continue to let out loud sobs, sharp and shakey breaths and seemingly simultaneous tears, crying into her big sisters chest, Alex running her fingers through Kara's blond locks scratching her scalp and rubbing her back trying to give some form of comfort to her distraught younger sister. Kara wouldn't know how long she sat there crying but eventually she would fall asleep not having eating any of the takeout she and Alex had ordered. And when she would wake up, Alex still rubbing her back, she would take a shower and get ready for work opting to skip any sort of breakfasts and walking instead of flying to catco, leaving her sleeping sister on the couch in her apartment. Alex would text her later in the day and ask Kara if she would come over to Alex's to talk about what had happened and Kara would tell Alex that she was fine and just tired (which both she and her sister knew wasn't true). Alex would call Kara and Kara would send her straight to voicemail, texting her saying that she was busy and would talk later which was a string of lies. Kara was the exact opposite of busy for one, she would be in her office staring at her new lunch order, two bites taken out of it, playing with a pen until Snapper would yell for her so she could get back to reporting, and she would not call, nor text her worried sister back.

Okay so maybe she would withhold the truth a little when asked but that scenario, though strikingly acurate to her life in the last four weeks (crying with no warning or explanation all though each time by herself, ordering but never touching her dinner, skipping breakfeats, sitting in her office again alone not having more than 3 bites of the lunch on her desk counting down each second until she could distract herself with work) was just that, a scenario so how could she even be sure that it would happen and she wouldn't just outright tell whoever was concerned that she.... That she had made a dire mistake and that she can never ammend any of the things she's done? The answer to that question is she could be sure because she can't even say (THINK!) It to herself. She can't bring herself to THINK the name making her sob loudly on the floor leaning against her bathroom door every other day.

Lena. Lena her best friend. Lena who she loved, or was supposed to love seeing as she was terrible to her, she had hurt her , she had hurt Lena, one thing she promised Lena and herself that she would absolutly never do. She had told lena that she would do the exact opposite of hurt her, that she would protect her, no matter what. Apparently Kara still needed to work on her english because the love she claimed to be unconditional had become selfish over something so-- so STUPID . Ss-stupid it was. It was IDIOTIC. THOUGHTLESS, UNINTELLIGENT, WITLESS, DUMB...It was dumb It was so, so dumb HOW COULD SHE!!

She had claimed to be different when all she really was was everything Lena had thought. Everything Lena had assumed. Had had to assume after all she had been through. And yet lena was still so good, alwyas trying to help. Trying to help cancer patients, orphans, aliens ( despite what her family had done and what everyone seems to still outrageously thinks she will do ) and Sam. Lena was trying to Help sam. Not hurt Kara. Not hurt anyone.

All Kara wishes was that she could go back in time again and say thank you to her. Thank you for being the one person who understood and saw her for her, who alwyas helped and who saved the world, two times.

But of course she can't. Because Lena is strong, so strong and she doesn't need Kara, or her Thank you's and I'm sorry's. Kara dosnt need them either. She needs to give them to Lena. But again, that would be selfish and this is her punishment . She would gladly take this and more if it means that Lena is okay .

#My Supercorp Story

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growingrootsinco · 2 years

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I have decided that Im going to start doing some therapy sessions for Isis. The stuff Im doing for myself has been beneficial but Isis needs more. So we are going to start some sessions where we can hash out a few things. I think she blames me for all the things my ex did to her. The rest of my family did the same. While Im trying to get him punished for what he did, I have to fight off my family and CPS. It was alot to deal with and Im not sure I knew how to do it. The people that molested all my aunts walked around living full lives and I didnt want that for Isis.

My mother was the worst when it came to the whole process of getting it reported and put in jail. Isis made her outcry to family members and before I was even told about it, they had already called police and figured out what to do. Instead of telling me what she said it was yelling at me and accusing me of purposefully putting her in harms way when I had already been broken up with the ex for awhile and was in the process of beginning a new relationship with someone else. My mother was standing in the driveway when I pulled up and she was angry as hell. She had already called the sherrifs and they were on the way. When they arrived the officer had to ask her to go inside because she was so angry that she was interfering with making the report. She told the officer that this happened because I wanted to be a slut. After making the report the officer told me that this wasnt my fault and that I really needed to have my family keep their distance from the investigation. He gave me some information for victims advocate to get anything Isis needed. When the officer left, I go inside to hear my mom on the phone with family telling them Im not listening to her about what to do.

Everytime a call came in from a detective it was instructions on the next step in the process. Everyone was interviewed and Isis had an examination done. It took about 8 months for him to be arrested and I wasnt even notified. It just so happened I ran into an old neighbor who informed me that he had been arrested trying to go to Mexico.

I kept Isis in counselling because she seemed to love it and was still willing to go but school started to interfere with sessions. CPS threatened me numerous times saying they would take her away if I didnt take her to 11 sessions. She made it to a total of 21 not including the ones the school provided.

The whole process and the things I went thru with my family led to how we are currently living. I began to see that my family was doing more damage.

With 1 visit to my aunt Tina, I learned quite a bit. Over the years, my mother and aunts were molested by someone my grandmother was seeing/dating/married to. My family has many secrets but everyone has been very hypocritical about it all. I also began to understand Tina and why her family has been so distant. "I did not want my girls to go thru what me and my sisters went thru" I envied her for being able to break away from them because I didnt have the courage at the time.

When I finally got the call that my ex had been sentenced, I started to work on what I wanted for the future. My mother wasnt happy with the results. 60 years. She wanted him dead.

I drowned myself in psychology. Trying to learn about mental health and how to deal with different issues. This was when I started to learn just how dysfunctional my family really was. I wanted to stop communication with all of them but didnt know where to start. How was I going to do this and still remain on good terms with family? The short answer........ there is no way to stay on good terms with everyone.

I started standing up for myself and things got worse on both sides of my family. I felt blamed for everything, at all times, so I carried around so much on my shoulders that I began to hate everyone. My mom got pissed the last time I stood up for myself and left. The moment she left, I no longer felt trapped. I could breath.

Having dealt with the feelings of blame from my family, I no longer feel I am to blame for what happened to her. However, I feel I am responsible and would be the blame for whatever the future was after what happened to her. The rest is on my mom and aunts because my grandmother didnt get them the closure they desperately need.

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maximuswolf · 3 years

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what exactly DO i have to ''THanK GoD'' for? via /r/atheism

what exactly DO i have to ''THanK GoD'' for?

when i was born, my parents had been trying for years. finally they have me, and oh boy am i a treat. i came out early, and almost suffocated whilst being born. ''ThAnK GoD'' they say, as if the doctors had not just spent multiple fucking hours working non stop to assure my mother could safely birth me. skip forward a few years, and i start acting up. more than most kids do. surprise, surprise! I have ADD and Severe anger issues, (mixed with a hearty serving of depression) but guess what? that's ok! because ''God mAdE Me spEcIAl!11'' so after a few years of my innocence still being intact, my parents send me off to school. a christian school. and oh boy was that fun. nothing like indoctrinating children before they can make conscious decisions! and you know what the worst part was? that i believed it. because that false belief would be one of the pillars of my life that would cause me to crumble. my parents thought they were doing the right thing, but in a way, that decision, the one i couldn't make would be the decision that led to my mental collapse. i was taught about how people of the same gender loving each other is a BIG no-no (spoiler alert: this will come in to play later on) and how if you don't believe in god, you go to burn in hell for eternity! because nothing says comforting children like telling them that if they are different that they will die horribly! but we were safe because, ''GoD madE Us In hIs iMaGe!1!'' skip forward another few years, and I'm into elementary school, public school. but the thing is, it turns out sculpting your impressionable child can lead to your child being a dick. because since i was taught to ''SpReAD GoDs WorD!'' i did. i told asked a friend whose mother had died if she believed in jesus. she did not. so naturally, i tell her that her sweet, precious mom is burning in hell in horrible agony, and that it's her fault she is there. i never told my parents that one, because it ate away at me for so long I tried to forget. than, around 3rd grade, i developed the thing that usually ruins everyone's life. a conscious and awareness. now, one of the things that came with my ADD is tics. so i would make sudden noises, and, naturally, since America knows jackshit about mental health, i was yelled at and called a freak. ''why would god make me this way?'' i would think. ''i thought i was perfect?'' haha NOPE. soon, school became hell. everyday i would come into class, get bullied, but push it down because i know at least GOD loves me, right? soon, it was too much for me. and i fought back. and you know what? im the one who got punished. and do you know what i was told when i got home from school that day? that god didn't make like this. BAM. shot to the heart. everything i thought was true, all of the relief that god loved me, and so I must be ok, were shattered. if god didn't make this way then why cant i control it? i began to lash out more. and my brain began to be affected even worse, my anxiety so bad i would hide in a corner crying all day. only to go to church the next sunday and be told how great god is, how he designs everyone in his image. which made me realize something. he made me like this. but if he made me like this, why is that bad? why does everyone hate me? why do i hate me? and i guess that was the point i was done. i had had enough. i became more reclusive, so angry that i was sent to a new school. a school for children with mental issues. or, as the church called it ''UnIquE GiFtS!!!1!'' everyday i thought about how i was like this, and that i was wrong. it wasn't my fault, but i was. and one day, i got so angry, so tired of the same thing, that i beat up my bus driver. and that was when i was sent to children's hospital. seeing my parents at the door, so disappointed in me, even though i wished desperately to know what i did wrong, what I did to make god punish me like this. and at night i would cry. i would lay in bed, looking out the window and that night, that night i had had enough. i cursed god out, i held him responsible for every terrible thing ive been through, i begged to know why he made me like this, if i was a mistake? will this be my entire future? living in pain, and betrayal? after children's i refused to go to church. and so i also refused to go to school, losing myself in creative outlets like minecraft and drawing, making a world where i wasn't hated. where I didn't hate myself. but you see, this was the mid 2010's, and kindle fire dont have a whole lot of storage space, so when my kindle inevitably crashed, i was destroyed. the world i had built for myself, the place i could be me was gone. it was like god had taken my life a second time. but hey! dont be sad! it's ''AlL In GoDs PlAn'' thats the problem. i dont want it to be part of god's plan, i want it to be part of MY plan. fast forward a year later, and im in middle school. and that's when i met billy. billy was a jock, a real ladies man, very athletic, toned, and well built, and when i was around him, i felt something. something i had never felt with a girl before. and so one week later, i went to church, and at church i asked my pastor about those feelings. he told me i was sick. that i what i was feeling was not of ''GoDs dESiGn'' and that i needed to try to change. so, i befreinded a girl, cera. cera also had a rough past, arguably worse than mine. her father was abusive, and her mother could do nothing to stop him. and one day, cera's mom, the only light she had left, died in front of her. had an aneurism, and fell to the ground dead. and guess what? she was put into the care of her father. i have never seen a person so angry, so completley shattered. she tried to jump into traffic. she ran and i begged her not to hurt herself. and than i watched a Mercedes Benz drive on the street across us. and i noticed a confederate flag on the bumper. how come someone so awful and immoral gets to have money? whilst cera, an innocent child who had her life robbed of her, got nothing? why would a ''gracious'' god do that? he wouldn't. because there is no god. and later that week, as i was sitting in my bathtub, a thought came to mind. trickling down my spine as i looked at the pair of scissors on the counter. it would be easy, just slide the blade across my wrists and with my artery cut, i would be free in moments. i would never have to feel this again. but my family loved me. and i loved them, because they really did. they only wanted what's best for me, so i didnt. i got out, and cried in my bed for hours. that brings us to the next week, im watching HGTV with my sister and mom in the family room, and i made a mistake. one of the people on tv was very attractive. so i said, without thinking, ''damn he's sexy'' cue my sister turning her head like that old meme of the groundhog, and immediately blurting out to my mom what i said. i was expecting hell, but she embraced me. finally, something was right. but god still said it was wrong, and my whole family is Christian. I'm 17 now, ive come out to most of my family. and i know they still love me. but deep down, i know that they think of me as unnatural according to their beliefs. and i have to live with that. and i also have to live not knowing what terrible chapter of my life will come next. so yeah, here i am, in online school, doing 1000x better than i ever have! my life is neutral right now. and I'm content. but one thing is for sure, if god IS real. he is NOT a good god. anyways, thanks for listening to my rant, and i hope your journey continues well!

Submitted February 01, 2021 at 01:51AM by leakytoquito via reddit https://ift.tt/3ovrT2g

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wednesdirose · 5 years

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So this is the end of my rope.

I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that I have said before that, “Today I want to kill myself more than I ever have before,” but today tops that last time. I may have used that title to... I’m a creature of habit (Also anyone that remembers this: Hello! I think you may be like the fact that i’m still alive, if you were someone cared. That’s probably not gonna last but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

The other day I was depressed and becoming increasingly more suicidal by the moment, so I decided to go to my parents apartment and spend time with my family. Both of my older brothers in the last like 6 months have moved back home so my parents apartment has a lot of people in it (6 people including my little siblings who are not yet old enough to move out). I find just being around people makes me feel better even if I am not actually engaging anyone or being engaged by anyone. I ended up staying for a whole week and a day, and only leaving to go to work once and then returning back because it was still an option. The day before my last day there my brother came home drunk.

He was not only drunk but upset and feeling depressed because of the pressure he is currently feeling as a very talented, under appreciated and taken advantage-of sound engineer. I missed most of him going off and being upset and venting about his current situation but when I came into the convo, It was crazy because he was saying a lot of things I felt but in terms of his own life. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than I know how he feels and to just listen. He apologized for venting and being emotional and unloading on me and my other brother’s girlfriend (whom he was venting to before I came into the room) but I told him that It was totally fine! And that he knows I’m not gonna judge him. I’m honestly the last one who can judge anyone and he and my family knows it because I've almost killed myself before and was sent to a psych ward. I REALLY can’t judge anyone’s problems. This prompted my brother to say that he loves me and he side hugged me and told me this is why I was his favorite and that I was always was understanding that he felt like I understood him even more than his twin sometimes. He told me he wasn’t just saying it because he was drinking and that he had only had a beer and that he wasn’t that drunk( which I believed at the time because he wasn’t slurring his words but my brothers are drinkers and it takes a lot to get them slurring. He also retracted this statement the next day and said that he wasn’t wasted but was totally drunk.) He started saying all sorts of stuff like he really appreciates me and that he always thought that I was awesome and he was glad that I was in his life. He said that he has always admired me because good or bad I’ve always done what I wanted to do and I’ve always done things my way. He said all these things that I’ve always wanted to hear and I remember thinking that this is everything I’ve wanted hear.... BUT it didn’t FEEL like was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like a regular convo. Then he mentioned drinking again and a memory flooded back to me.

You see me and my older brothers have been friends for three-ish years. My older brothers HATED me when we were little and would sometimes bully me. But it wasn’t completely my or their faults. Up until the third grade my father would manipulate me and use me as a weapon against my brothers, which was something I didnt realize until was much older. My father would bribe me with food and affection and things that I wanted in return for me to “tattle” to him about suspicions he had about my brothers. My brother were very mischievous boys, so almost all of the time he was right. My father being a military man was very harsh, and would give them (looking back) EXTREMELY harsh punishments. He punished them the way his father would (a man my father still considers satan and wouldn’t let me meet when he was alive because he was evil.) This made my brothers hate me. And they hated me for most of my life and showed it.

The memory was of a night when I was in 7th grade and my teenage brother came home drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He came to my room and started talking to me and I don’t remember what he said but that was the FIRST time I ever felt like he LIKED me and that I wasn’t alone, which I was starting to feel more and more. He said all these nice things to me and it felt good and it was an important moment to me. The next morning I tried to talk to him about it.... and he smacked me in my face. Hard. And he told me that I was a liar and that it didn’t happen.

In that moment I decided to share this memory with him (even though he was feeling shitty because IM shitty) and he said that he remembered, which is significant because I thought he wouldn’t remember that or tell me I was lying which was a reoccurring thing every time I tried to bring up shitty things they’ve done to me. But he said he remembered and that he was sorry and that he did so many shitty things to me that I probably don’t even remember (Which mind you, I do. I’ve held on tight to every fucked up thing my family members have EVER done to me.) He said he was so sorry for everything and that his problem with me wasn’t really with me but my father and he didn't realize that until he was older. And then it was like 6 am and he needed to go to sleep.

Looking back on this night I realize why I didn’t feel anything when he said the things I wanted someone to tell me and that that memory was a warning and a reminder. That he was only saying those things because he was drunk and in his feelings and that he probably wouldn’t say any of it otherwise.

My WHOLE LIFE I’ve felt alone. The only time I didn’t feel alone is when I was with my “High school sweetheart” of almost 2 years and he left me. He left me because I was broken and depressed and fucked up and I didn't know how to love someone or be in a relationship or treat someone and I was (in hindsight) Very abusively clingy and over barring towards the end. I’ll probably never be able to convince anyone else to stay with me past the dating phase, enter into relationship with me and actually stay.... And I don’t blame them. And Ill probably never find someone as close to perfect for me as he was and I fucked it up because that’s what i’m good at. Ruining everything. He even IMMEDIATELY hopped into a relationship with someone else. SO that can tell you how much of a nightmare I was. He still visits my dreams sometimes, so that tells you how much he impacted me and how much I loved him. Sometimes we get back together in my dreams or are together and those are the hardest fucking mornings. I’m not sure if I miss him or something or what that means.... I think it's just because he is the only person I’ve been able to convince to love me and the only person I’ve TRULY opened up to and who knew (the high school version of) the real me and still wanted to be with me...

My father left my mother when I was like 12 years old. And when they divorced he basically divorced me too. He moved out and I didnt see him for a while because he “didnt have furniture” or whatever. Then we (me and my little sister) would barely go over his house because he always had some fabulous excuse. Most of the time it was car related or he had work or medical related. Then when we would go over his house he would stay to his self in his room and barely interact with us unless is was time for a meal or he was taking us to church with him (which he stopped going to a few year into the separation) and HE WOULD STILL PICK UP SHIFTS on his weekends with us. The REALLY funny thing is sometimes he would leave to a girlfriends house, which at first I would go but after awhile I was just like nope because he would spend time with the girlfriend and me and my sister would be stuck with the girlfriend’s stupid kids. OR he would invite over his lady friends and be in his room with them. But were our weekends about us, his daughters, and spending time with us?? No. He did that for 6 years.

It’s funny because I felt like he was the only one in my corner until he divorced us. I always felt like my mom just liked my brothers more and she always took their side but my dad was always in my corner. Even against the love of his life. But looking back I dont have any real memories of that man. Because even in selling out my brothers for affection and trying my hardest to get that man to show me he loved me, He never really gave a fuck. I remember when I learned the word “bond” and realized that normal families “bond” from watching TV. I began to ask my parents especially my father, whom did not work most of my childhood, to “bond” with me. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! I had to beg my parents to bond with me. My father, whom spent most of his time in the front room on his fat ass watching tv, told me just sitting next to him quietly while we watched BET was “bonding”. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! If anyone is wondering, I dont know a damn thing about that man frfr. But at least he isn’t a dead beat right? My parents moved in together last year to save money and I go over there all the time. Does he take initiative to spend time with me or even really talk to me? No. He doesn’t. I’m 21 and known him for 21 year and he’s just like every other stranger. The only difference is I have a key to his apartment.

My mother and I have NEVER had a great relationship. We currently have a pretty okay relationship but in my adolescence I thought my own mother hated me (up until I almost killed myself at 17. Then she was a WHOLE lot nicer all of a sudden.) I really didnt have a relationship with my mother as a child because she was always the “bread-winner” and her spouse was always playing “stay at home dad,” until she left my little brother’s dad. She would leave for work before I woke up for school, come home looong after I got there, crack open a can or a box for dinner, go to sleep and start over. I practically raised myself through middle school and through TV, Google and other middle-schoolers, I taught myself how to be a girl and take care of myself. I still to this day wish I had an older sister who could have helped me navigate certain things and avoid ridicule about other things.... but I didnt. I had two older brothers, going through their own shit, raising themselves, whom hated me. She is also an AF AM mother and not to stereo type black families but black families have a tendency to perpetuate toxic behavior with each other in terms of ridiculing each other and tearing each other down and thinking its funny. SO, I being my family’’s weirdo and an outsider in my family, got the worst of it, especially from her (especially after my father abandoned me in that house with her.) I remember in middle school she asked me on two separate occasions if I felt like she loved me. I should have said no, But I didn’t know that then. What I said was, “Of course! You’re my mother and you have to love me.” Both times she responded the same: “I don’t Have to love you.” At the time I didn't understand this but I do know. Because she was always working and having to support five kids by herself she was always stressed. I was unlucky enough to be the target of this stress hurricane. By the time I was in high school, she had lost complete control over my brothers so all of the house work and taking care of my little sister and EVERYTHING, including her stress hurricane, fell on me. And as a depressed/lazy teenager, who could see how unbalanced the way she treated me was versus my siblings, I was not about it. The older I was getting the more I began to stand up for myself or in her eyes, became disobedient. Our relationship throughout my teenage years was TERRIBLE. And we had NEVER had a "good” relationship to begin with so it was REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. Once I almost killed myself and costed her hundreds of dollars (which she made sure I knew I was costing her) to send me to a psych ward and for meds and a psychiatrist and a psychologist, She began to realize that I’m a pathetic, sensitive crybaby who will kill myself if you're mean to me, and slowly (but surely) began to be nicer to me. Our relationship in present day is much better but my Mother being my mother she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING she has EVER done to me (except back when my parents were married and my father would make her apologize to me if he felt she did something wrong) and she never will apologize or admit to treating at least a little bit worse than she should have and I will NEVER forget, so I will NEVER move on and we will NEVER be that close. I had to move out because she was still treating me like shit without realizing it and letting her shitty husband treat me unfairly (my parents are still technically married because divorces are expensive.) It got to the point where he was complaining about how much food I ate so I went on a diet but my little siblings were eating up their snacks and blaming it on me and he tried to say that I have to start helping pay for groceries BUT I WASN'T EATING!!!!! I literally STOPPED EATING AT MY HOUSE (except for dinner, which my mom always made two servings of so she wouldn't have to cook the next day.) Yeah one meal a day at the VERY end of the day people. I would wait until he was settled into his room after dinner to make my plate. When I moved out, that women cried and said she felt like she was just now “getting to know me.” CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING WOMEN?! I wanted to laugh in her fucking face and say that she had 20 years. 20 years.

(Side bar: I should have saved her some money and just killed myself)

I’ve come to the realization from that night in my brothers room, that I wouldn’t be this fucked up if the people who were supposed to be there for me actually treated me right and paid attention to me when I needed it and did what they were supposed to do WHEN I NEEDED IT! Maybe if when I was growing up and needed to be shown love and affection and attention, I wouldn’t have problems connecting with people now and I wouldn’t feel so alone all the fucking time! I could have a healthy relationship and actually love someone and be lovable and I would have real friends and I wouldn’t have went through HALF the shit I’ve been through with people OUTSIDE of my family and I would have known and would know how i’m supposed to be treated by someone who is my friend and someone who claims to love me.

BUT they didnt. No one did. I needed someone (ANY FUCKING ONE) and NO one was there and now I’m fucking broken and have YEARS AND YEARS of attachment trauma and it cant be fixed. AND that’s soooo not the worst of it! I have abuse stories and other shit that I haven't even shared with anyone but one of my therapist and I didnt even feel ready to tell her EVERYTHING just the gist of it. I have OCEANS OF PROBLEMS that can’t be solved. Wounds that can’t heal. I can’t even talk about the problems I have with my family because throughout my whole life we’ve NEVER talked about anything or addressed ANYTHING. There are NO apologies or resolutions or any of that bullshit. If something happens we just wake up the next day as a family like it didn't happen and that's that about that. And honestly I feel like that’s why I can never address any problems I have with people outside of my family or resolve problems or fix anything, which has RUINED great relationships for me.

Anyway. I needed to get that out. SO thank you if you read that bullshit and thank you if you actually care, I guess. This is the end. I’m gonna stop self medicating with weed, which is what I’ve been doing since I stopped taking Zoloft in 2016. It’s actually been working for the most part. It’s not a perfect solution but when I’m high I don’t think about my problems and I feel like I can think about things less emotionally. I’m just gonna stop smoking everyday and let my depression do that thing it does and if I kill myself, Thank god!, and if I don’t, Thank god. And that’s where I’m at on the subject of life and living and the sort.

And Yes before you suggest it smart ass, I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. AND yes I’ve tried other meds besides zoloft and I stopped taking meds because they dont work. AND NO, I’m super uninterested in putting money in greedy ass doctors pockets to take every stupid pill on earth, till I “find the right one.” A pill is not going to get rid of 21 years of misery. It’s just a pill.

#sorry not sorry for typing a whole novella #depression #attachment trauma #suicide #it took me 5 hours to write this and three glasses of wine #wine that I should have checked the alcohol content on #certainly not high enough for me

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michaelreaderreblog · 7 years

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My truemate pt2

Word Count: 2,162

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“Hey sweet cheeks, nice scent you have. How about giving me a taste right now” He says while pulling you away from your brothers.

“What the hell gives you the right to come at me like that huh?” You bark back as you pull away from his tight embrace.

“You disrespectful little slut shouldnt talk back to an Alpha” As he yells, your brothers turn around to find you missing from their side and immediately rush to your side right away.

“Exactly what she said, what the hell gives you the damn right to touch her. If she doesnt like it than leave her the hell alone” Dean growls back, and showing no signs of backing down from the creep of an Alpha.

Sam has you hidden behind him while Dean is sizing him up and it works, no one ever dared to start a fight with your older brother well your brothers in general.

As the Alpha backs down is when the manager of the place comes out to the floor, he is this tall, scruffy looking and the most gorgeous blue eyes you have ever seen and his scent gives him away which is not surprising he is an Alpha.

“ROMAN!!!! How many times have I told you? You harass my customers again I will throw you out on your ass and never let you back in” He says with authority in his voice and that ruffles a bit of your feathers but sure hope that wouldnt be that obvious.

“Oh c'mon Benny! With that fine piece of Omega ass you have to give me this one acceptance” Roman creepily locks eyes with you but you stay hidden behind Sam and as you stand there you begin to feel completely violated.

“Hey, hey, hey, I got you ok, I've got you” He says as he pulls you into his arms. Sam senses your fear and about to walk in the direction of the front entrance.

“Hey sweet heart ditch the moose and meet me out back” Thats when Dean throws the first punch and tackles him to the floor. The manager and another customer get Dean off of the creep he tackled.

“Michael, get Roman out of here before this guy kills him” The manager says as he has his hold on Dean but wouldnt be long before he will break that hold and tackle Roman again. Michael takes him out the door and makes sure he doesnt go any where near you.

“Oh c'mon Mikey, I know how to share. You can have her after Im done with her or we can both have her at the same time. Looks like she can handle two knots at the same time.” The creep looks to Michael with an evil grin on his face. Sam is about to punch the creep square in the face when Michael cuts him off and he does instead.

“THATS NOT HOW YOU SPEAK OF A PERSON!!” Michael practically growls at the creep and gets up very quickly to run off.

After the scene before you is when you started to get unusually aroused on how Michael used his alpha voice to yell back at Roman but you hope that it wouldnt be that obvious to your brother Sam because you didnt want to gross him out completely.

You started to get a whiff of his scent and to you it was pleasant well more than just pleasant it was more in the lines of protector, provider and for some odd reason “mate” You couldnt bring yourself to think of him that way but the thought still lurked.

Sam watches and still has you in his embrace as the both of you watch him disappear from the restaurant.

“Miss are you ok? Dick is a dick like literally” the man says as he slowly approaches you and Sam.

“Sorry she is still shaken up but um she is starting to settle down though. Think as soon as my brother settles down inside we are just going to head home.” Sam says to the man as they both stand not far from one another and you still cant bring yourself to look at the person who threw out the douche that laid his hands on you.

“My name is Michael, Michael Cuthbert” He sticks his hand out to shake his hand.

“Cuthbert as in Cuthbert realtors?” Sam asks as he shakes his hand.

“Um yeah but that would be my mother” He answers as he takes his hand away from Sams hold.

“Sam, Sam Winchester and this is my sister Y/n Winchester” Sam introduces himself to Michael along with you but you dont have the heart to greet him right now.

“Think meeting the both of you on better circumstances would have been better and not this way.” Michael says looking to Sam but couldnt look to you since you have been hiding behind your brother the whole time.

“Anyways she sold us the house in the outskirts of town” He says while looking from you to Michael.

“Oh you mean the house on lake manitoc or um Poughkeepsie Road?” He asks keeping his gaze on your brother knowing he didnt want to scare you off by constantly looking at you.

“Yeah Poughkeepsie Road” Sam says but you nudge his from behind.

“The lake is also called Lake Manitoc” You whisper to Sam.

“Oh right yes on both” Thats when the manager comes out to see how you were doing but stay hidden behind Sam.

“Im sorry for the trouble Roman has caused ya and wanted to make sure you were alright. I wanted to also let you know that you do not need to pay for any meals for the rest of the week. I just feel incredibly horrible for such behaviour and in hopes you will except my gracious offer. Im Benny by the way, your brother Dean is alright and is settled in one of the booths eating my famous pecan pie” He says while he is looking in your direction hoping you would accept his apologies and offer.

You dont meet his gaze but still shake in fear, Sam notices it right away and Dean comes out.

“Baby girl you ok?” He asks running towards you and you do the same.

You began to shake even more in your brothers arms.

“Its alright, I got you, we've got you. We got you. Its alright” He says while whispering at the top of your head.

“I wanna go home” You whisper right back to Dean.

“Ok we will go home alright, c'mon kiddo lets get in the car” He opens the passenger door for you, you slide directly in the middle and grab Sam's arm to slide in the front seat as well because you wanted to hang on to your brother Sam while heading home because you couldnt do that to Dean while he is driving.

“Thanks for all you've done, both of you” Dean says before he gets into the driver seat.

“Its not a problem really, how about leave me your address and I'll have the food delivered to your place, how does that sound?” Benny asks

“Yeah that sounds great actually, since I dont have time to leave an order but um surprise us” Dean says and gives one last wave and gets into the car to start her up and drive home.

“Benny?” Michael says while still standing in the same spot.

“Ye- wait a minute, you mean?” He looks to Michael and he gives him a nod.

“Oh sweet lord on bicycle” He says looking away from Michael and to the disappearing car while he covers his mouth with his hand.

“I think I found my true mate Benny” He says in a whisper.

“If you did, what does she smell like to you?” He asks looking to Michael as they enter back inside the restaurant and go to the kitchen to put in a surprise order.

“She smelled like freshly grinded coffee, with the smell of banana's and another sweet smell of caramel just so perfectly blended together or having a freshly made cup of coffee in the morning with a banana sandwich spread on top with Caramel sauce” Michael says with a fond smile across his face as he describes your scent.

When you and your brothers get home and walk into the house and take off your jackets and shoes at the door to hang on the coat rack Dean has placed near by the door. You walk to the kitchen very slowly and realize that your older brother Dean is right behind you.

“Y/n you ok?” He asks as he leans against the fridge debating if he should grab a beer or get some hard liquor from under the sink.

“I will be fine in a minute, I just uh need a little time to get myself together” You answer him honestly as you sit at the counter table.

“Ok thats fine um just so you know Benny says he is going to have someone deliver the food and mentioned its on the house” He says as he makes his way to you from the fridge.

“Y/n you can press charges if you want” Sam says from behind the both of you.

“Right and have them laugh in my face while they tell me its all my fault and finish off with I encouraged it” You tell your brothers in a shaky voice you didnt realize that it came out that way.

“No they wont because we can back you up on this, and not only us but Benny and that guy Michael can be your witnesses to” Sam says as he gives you his puppy dog eyes that are basically pleading with you to do something about the fondling at the restaurant.

“I dont know just, Im just going to go rest in my room for a bit. Let me know when dinner is here” You tell them as you slowly get up from the chair and push it back in to get upstairs to your room to have a few moments to yourself.

“I hope she takes the bastard to court, the way he was looking at her and how he touched her just pissed me right off” Dean says with a growl, a deep throat growl down in his chest and all he can see is red in his rage.

“Dean, calm down y/n doesnt need this right now. I just hope she follows through with this because here in the state of Washington its against the law to harass an Omega against their will and will be punished as soon as the other person calls it in meaning just as long as y/n calls it in” Sam says as he tries to calm down his older brother and once he got him to listen to a word he is saying is when he started to cool down from his hot rage.

You lay in your bed replaying the images over and over again in your head

'I need to do something about this' you think to yourself as you lay there. A knock is what brings you out of your thoughts and you tell the person to enter.

“Hey y/n the food is here” Sam says as he enters into the room and the scent of a Beta swirls into your room so knowing the scent is neutral.

“Ok” Is all you say when you get up from the bed to go down the stairs to eat with your brothers.

“Hey y/n look what I cooked” Dean says once you enter the kitchen as he reveals the entrees which are three stake dinners with caramelized onions, minced garlic, baked and mashed potatoes, with grilled asparagus and sated mushrooms. You chuckle at Dean when he mentioned he had prepared the meal all by himself.

“There is that beautiful smile I have been waiting to see” Your older brother says leaned against the chairs at the table.

All three of you seat yourselves at the table as Dean served out the food, between the three of you is when random conversations were being started at the random moments between meals about what else to do with the house. Dean mentioned about making book shelves for the living room since he has been so curious about Michael's warehouse.

When he brought up Michael is when you thought about the scent he gave off back at the restaurant and to you it smelt like fresh rain falling on the first day of Summer with an earthy scent that gives off fresh mint sprouting into the air and if you smell close enough you can also smell cool crisp air that has come during the first day of Fall which meant protector, provider, kind, home and mine. And than it hit you

“Oh god” You mutter out loud not realizing you were thinking out loud.

#a/b/o dynamics #a/b/o au #supernatural!au #supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #reader insert #benny lafitte #dick roman #alpha!dean #alpha!sam #alpha!michael #omega!reader #michael #supernatural!michael #michael x reader #supernatural!michael x reader

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cptsd-gladion · 5 years

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just kinda pasting my conversation about my life and then ((filling in details i missed or left out)) bc id like to have it laid out somewhere:

my sister is 7 years older. [...] my sister is still willing to blame me for things that happened when i was like, 7, and obviously would not have actually been in control of bc i was 7 dfiojdfigjdfg. like jesus i wasnt the one who pulled me out of school, mom did that, and then refused to homeschool me, but then when i talk to my sister about it shes like "oh that was a little bit of ~*Everyones*~ fault :)" like no it wasnt!!

“what did you do if you didnt have schooling or homeschooling?” i didnt do anything, im still doing nothing. thats part of why i cant really get a job right now, bc i have like 0 education!!;;;; its embarrassing.........

“why did she pull you out of school?” idk, i dont remember and its hard to take my moms word for it bc shes such a liar in general. apparently i just didnt like it, and from what she describes it sounds like it was an anxiety thing, but like....... take ur kid to a counselor or therapist or DOCTOR or smth............

they ((my mom and sister)) did sometimes kiiiind of try to homeschool me, but it always involved. um. getting mad at me for needing new concepts explained and for asking questions and they would be really condescending and actually literally make jokes about my intelligence (or lack thereof) to my face so it was. kinda traumatic......... ((and on top of that, i physically couldnt do it when my depression flared up. i had no energy and i was constantly crying and i couldnt focus, but even though i had been doing my work just fine before these flare ups, my mom always assumed i was being a brat/trying to get out of doing schoolwork, so we just fought about it bc i didnt really know what depression was back then and couldnt explain it that way))

and then bc i had those associations with school/learning i started having panic attacks every time the subject of school came up. ((eventually)) i understood that that stuff is like, an anxiety and trauma thing so ive been trying to get my mom to take me to therapy so i could Get Over It for 4 or 5 years, but she wont. ((well, she did briefly. that counselor wasn’t very helpful and my mom made it very clear i wasnt allowed to talk about my depression at all. the only reason i agreed to stop seeing her when my mom asked me to was because she said she’d find me another one. she didnt.))

and i understand that for my mom it was really tricky because we didnt have a lot of money back then, but like...... at least be compassionate to ur kid about it in the meantime if you cant get them help, instead of putting all the blame on them............ but i think the problem, more than money actually, was that she had already neglected me so much that taking me to a therapist would have gotten cps called if i had told them Anything about my living situation lmao. ((my mom actually said as much. also the first time i ever mentioned my depression surrounding school and asked to see a therapist, she said it made her so mad that she wanted to send me to an abusive mental hospital as punishment...))

#mother mention ///#sibling mention ////#abuse //#neglect //#therapy mention //#long post #for mobile users #save

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0n3-h4lv3 · 6 years

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Whilr im.spamming and text dumping. May as well say that i DID start cutting like. 5 or 6 days ago. Nobody noticed, except maybe riley, but maybe he didnt and hes just very nice. My sister noticed. I told her frankie did it, and she believed me. I used to be scared of blades. Thought i never had the balls to cut myself. Turns out it hurts just as much as u want it to. And its not dangerous, just to scratch and slit ur hand. Wont mess me up. Just hurts. Reminds me that im. Bad. Punishment. I used to use escapism; jacking off and hyperfocusing on a lover. If i put all my energy into someone hot and nice to me... then i cant remember how awful and worthless i am. Sex is validating. Being fucked and sexualised and touched is validating. Its gross. And i dont really like it anymore, but it means im good for something. It means i can, somehow, make someone else happy. But escapism is new gen olive. This is. A new era. Post gen. I cut myself and i type on this blog so that anyone can see my heart spill but no body will. Escapism doesnt work because last time i jacked off, i stopped halfway through to just sob and sob. I cant date anyone because. I mean its not healthy to romance someone if u cant help but idolize them. I have an obbsessive addictive personality, i always have Someone. Morgan, then Liv, then Lynn, and now Finny. I dont even want to date finn. I used to, but he isnt into me, and ive mostly gotten over that. Logically and truthfully, i dont want him like that. I dont think i can handle romance anymore, and again i dont have a chance w him anyway. I really really just want a mutual and loving bestfriendship. I still think about kissing him though. It makes me hate myself more, but i do. I dont know why. I wish i would stop. Anyway. Im still completely emotionally dependent on him. If i was bpd id say he was my fp, but im not, im just. Problematic and wrong. And its bad, because if i dont find someone else to latch onto, then ill probably mess up my friendship with him. I want to kill myself before i get the chance to ruin things with him. Or maybe wait till hes moved on ? I dont want to hurt anyone else. Anyway. Post gen. Im proactive, and reckless, and in pieces. Yellow is still my favorite color, per new gen, and i put on a good front most of the time. I try so hard to be selfless. I want to give in my last few months or weeks. Im still a selfish cunt though. I cant rewire that. Im trying to. Im proactive. I had sex with greyson, madi's boyfriend, so that i could feel good about myself and stop thinking abt finn like that. It was aggressively mediocre. Dont tell grey i said that. I felt nothing when i kissed him. When i kissed finns neck at the cabin, it was electric. Like my body lit up. When i grinded on greys packer and tasted his lips, it was meaningless and numb. I could barely get off to it. I think thats my fault though. I think most things are my fault. I think its my fault that i rely on my sexuality, and that im always so horny. I think its my fault that i cant maintain or manage relationships. That i ask too much. That nothings ever good enough. That im always so sad and so heartbroken. Im proactive. I poured my pills on the table and began my research into suicide methods. I still do my homework. I make plans with friends. I talk to them like i plan on a future. I kind of do. I know these people will keep living when im gone. There is a future. And it is so bright and so important. I just dont belong there. Im proactive. I cleaned my pocket knife and researched how to sharpen it. I dug the tip into my wrist and jerked it across. It was nothing like i always worried. It wasnt a Good feeling, or an escape, or anything like that. It was a punishment. Like when i would slam my head into the carpet. Hurt and bruise because you deserve it. But this is quiet, and my problem, and nobody i love pays enough attention to notice, and nobody i love will.

Im proactive.

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gocasualrunawaycollection-blog · 6 years

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