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themagicfolf · 1 year

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Do you ever just want to stop existing. escape Be free

because the body you were given is defective and the mind is running a non-standard OS Sub merge yourself in a black void from wich there is no return To fade slowly from memory

until those who were once hurt by you forget

to leave this Hell behind and rest for eternity To be truly gone. Not even a remnant of a memory of an effect you had remaining. I want that. I want to disappear I want to go away I want to be undone And the harm And the pain I brought to disappear along with me

I'm a leach a parasite A few people say I've saved their life I doubt it. Maybe saving them from self inflicted injury But not death.

How do my friends see worth in me. I'm the equivelent of a net - The only thing that comes from me is trash Crappy Art Biased essays and failure I began binge eating again today I failed to stay clean of cutting Whats my purpose. Why am I here. I don't see things the same way as others I don't understand them and they don't understand me When is it time to speak When is it time to wait When should it end

My teachers think I'm a good writer but what worth is there in that When I read it I see trash and waste nothing more than filth to be cleansed In that way me and my writings are alike. Freaks that should be removed burned and eradicated Other Trans people aren't desserving of this Nor are other Neuro Divergents Only me. Me because I'm filth. A freak. A monster. An abomination. A retarded loser with delusions around sex and gender. Again aters like me aren't those trrible things just me. If the Church is right I will get what I desserve if not I get rest I'm a coward. everytime I've attempted to right the wrong that was my birth I couldn't do it. Fucking loser. I migt aswell just do it. I won't though. Mostly out of spite and the rest out of greed. I take and take and take. I try to give but just fuck it up I try but I just end up making the bigots mad and they go and harass someone else. I bring darkness with me. Fuck.

wow. I hate everything or no, I just hate myself I hate myself for being so weird and so different. I just want to be like all the other girls. The girls with Vaginas and Ovaries and a Euterus The girls with a face not manish The girls who don't get harassed as often. If only I had that luxury but no I'm a girl that people want dead. Texas made a list. A FUCKING LIST

They want us all dead. Fuck me. You all are fucked and I can't do anything about it. Illinois is nice to trans people but every state surrounding is mor volatile What if they begin mas murders I would basically be a murderer for not doing enough. I want to exit server Disconect from this and return to the lobby. This place is nightmarish Help. Me. Please. No you know what I'm fine. I'm going to cry myself to sleep like the fucking baby I am. Bye for now see you tomorrow probably

#vent #tw selfhate #depression #internalized ableism #internalized queerphobia

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will1 · 2 years

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MY FRIEND ASKED ME 4 MY LGBT TF2 HCS!!! i wrote a bunch of paragraphs 4 the guy and thought i might as well post em here 2 lol. never done a hc post but why not. ALSO i am sorry if these r bad takes plz have mercy on me scout- unfortunately has alot of internelized homophobia so he acts like,,, super duper straight and masc 2 appear as hetero to both his brothers and the other mercs. chases women and LOVES WOMEN BOOB WOMEN to keep this up, but after seeing how litereally everyone else is gay and realizing that it is NOT BAD!!! he chooses LOVE WINS, so in short bi becuz he is BI HIMSELF ((also ive heard alot of trans hcs and i like that idea, either for him being ftm or mtf later down the line pyro- genderfluid?? more like,,, genger GASOLINE, fire burn fire. probably has like a gay autistic who loves fire flag saved on their phone. uses all pronouns and has multiple neo pronouns but in the same way they r nonbinary in general?? i thinks, id ont know if hes r ace or if they have jst not found someone they have a crush on, in the same way i think shed get really silly crushes on people like shawn mendes or something. also pan and does not care about gender at all engineer!!!- ppl think that he is straight, these people are WRONG!!! i think he'd b bi without the urself way!! maybe influenced by pyro and has tried he/them pronousn b4, hot single dad looking for other dads demoman- OUUUGH he is silly 2 me, absoloutely wild with gender presentation and i would htink he absoloutely would show up to bars wearing makeup and painting his nails or wearing skirts ((hehahe scottish) and ROCKING IT. uses any pronouns even tho he still prefers he/him. pan sexual and when drunk or sober flirts with any attractive person in the vicinity. does not depend on who it is soldier- LOVES MEN((and also zhanna)), GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS LESBIANS (saw something about people asking him(usa) for his(usas) pronouns and he just screams america at them, usa/usas LOL) sphee- like demoman in the way i think he gets manicures and wears really lavish dresses. definetely wiill sleep witj anyone no matter gender, win 4 all sluts ever /j spy would wear those damn expensive I just killed my husband robez…. snipaoer- DEFINETELY demisexual, scared of litreally any relationship ever and if u touch him he will explode and migt start crying LOL, has never really thought about his sexuality cause that means actually acknowledging the idea that anyone besides his poor parents will ever love him and THAT IS NOT A THING??? duh :/, simply exists in a state of completely unlabeled and 2 scared to thing any harder about it lol, meeting spy is the most emotional damge that life has implanted onto him the last 2 accidently just became backstory headcanons instead of lgbt ones, oops heavy!!!- like sniper never really thought about it,, all hes ever seen has been straight people so he never evn rlly thought that being gay was like... a option. also never really had many real life crushes on people as a kid and thought the guy celebs were a bit prettier then the womenz, did not think about this either. meeting medic was like a whole new thing 4 him cause 1, first person hes ever been emotionally attached 2 very much besides his family. and 2, its a guy. was confusing 4 him to figure out at such a late age but didnt scare him 2 much, and also his whole family was like YIPPEE!!!!! our lovely misha finally has a date thank god. they r all so supportive and love hearing about medic whenever heavy sends letters. heavy writes about him alot, his mom alwas asks when they r gonna have a grandson and heavy is like,, ma??? were gay, and his families all like, ADOPT A KID ,, heavy is not sure about medic being a dad LOL ((sorruy this became a heavymedic hcs instead of just heavy hcs, but i feel like medic is important to his lbgt-ness)) MEDIC.0- saving the one im least sure about 4 last- apparently he had a wife in the past but i think this was just to please his parents and 2 appear straight cuz this weirdo is a RAGING homosexual. poor wife had it rough and thought he was cheating the whole time, sad loveless marriage for both of em. in his teen years he was a part of alot of lgbt and punk groups in germany bcuz it is funny 2 imagine him with his hair all spiked or somethign eagain medic prob did not protest as a 20-something cuz he didnt wanna lose his medical liscense, doesnt matter cuz he did anyways LOL. but now that he is old he absoloutely loves it and litearlly does wahtever he wants, i think he likes to look nice, as in wear sweaters and button ups and nice shoes and slacks when he is not working. he is like a gay mr rogers

#tf2 #headcanons???#team fortress two #id put all the mercs names in tags but 1 im lazy and 2 nobody needs to see al this #also.... i am willing to answer more headcanon questions so if u want me silly opinions on anyhtighg...#my ask box is open >:))))

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heybinnie · 6 years

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❤️

#I LEGITIMATELY FUCKING TEARED UP FLIPPING THROUGH THE BOOK #LISTEN WHAT THE FICK I CANT EVEN UNDERSTAND KOREAN BUT THE FACT IT MADE ME SO EMOTIONAL DOESNT THAT SPEAK VOLUMES #WHOEVERS READING THIS MIGT BE LIKE LOL WTF YOUCANT EVEN READ KOREAN WHAT A WASTE #OK #BUT IM GOING TO FIND A WAY TO READ THIS BOOK #AND ITS GOINGG TO TAKE ME A WHILE #BUT I’LL BET EVERYTHING THAT EVEN IF I OPEN THE BOOK A YEAR LATER I’D STILL CRY #MY CHEEKS HURT FROM SMILING #THEYRE REALLY SO BEAUTIFUL #I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY I JUST WISH FOR THEM TO BE HAPPY FOREVER #ALSO I GOT MJ ON MY RING AND MY HEART YELLED #YALL I GOT THE FK IN NG SUN!!!!!!#IM sO FRAGILE #I LOVE ASTRO SOM UCH

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linkspooky · 4 years

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The Kids Who Can’t Cry

Plenty of people besides myself have pointed out this pattern, but what does it mean? Why are Dabi, Himiko, and Shigaraki essentially the main trio of the league of villains all drawn making this face? Analysis underneath the cut.

1. Shigaraki

What’s important is all three of these scenes where Dabi, Himiko and Shigaraki are all drawn smiling in the most inhuman and unsettling manner possible are all parallels to one another. In those scenes the villain is talking with the heroic foil, and trying to express themselves some way only to be misunderstood. Shigaraki is with Deku. Himiko is with Uraraka. Dabi is with Hawks.

The common point between all three scenes is that these three characters are fumbling, trying to express something inside of them. The first scene happens between chapter 68-69 when Shigaraki wonders lost in the crowds trying to find an understanding with himself.

During the scene Shigaraki genuinely talks to Midoriya and asks him what he thinks. He expresses the feelings inside of himself.

However, Midoriya describes Shigaraki as someone he can neither understand nor accept. He rejects him entirely.

We, as the audience know all of the similiarities between Shigaraki and Midoriya. We know that Shigaraki was once Shimura Tenko, a boy with a dream of becoming a hero who was told by everyone he couldn’t. We know that Tenko once stood up to bullies and tried to make friends. It’s understandable that Midoriya doesn’t understand this, he’s not a mind reader, but there’s still a great deal of ignorance in the way Midoriya acts.

Shigaraki shows clear signs of trauma and mental illness, especially in his connection to All Migt, and yet Midoriya’s understanding of him is shallow and two dimmensional. He can’t possibly conceive of Shigaraki having any othr motive for hurting people besides “Wanting to destroy them.”

Shigaraki is trying to express himself to somebody unwilling, and unable to understand him despite all the similarities between them. This is a pattern in hero society, immediately after the UA attack nobody can conceive of a reason why Shigaraki would want to attack UA besides him being a man-child who enjoys destruction.

When Midnight suggests that somehow Shigaraki might not have gotten the same quirk counseling as everyone and that’s why his quirk is out of control and he uses it so dangerously, Vlad even directly questions why they should even bother talking about his motives.

Does Deku have to go out of his way to try to understand the motives of him and his friends? No, not necessarily. However, Deku is somebody billed as an empathic and caring character. It’s a character willing to empathize with anyone before this point showing a complete lack of empathy. To a character who shows clear signs of instability and mental unwellness. Shigaraki’s genuine signs of trauma, his itching, his fickleness, his inability to process his emotions in a healthy way just get him demonized as a man-child.

The kid who was able to see the kindness, in Eri’s quirk.

The hero who says that he can’t call himself a hero unless he saves a crying little girl in front of his eyes. The hero who says he wants to save everyone, just sort of treats Shigaraki like he’s a one dimmensional monster even though his circumstances are literally exactly the same as Eri’s. Just because Shigaraki can’t cry the same way Eri can. But some people smile when they express trauma.

When Shigaraki experienced the worst trauma of his life, he smiled and tried to ask for help when his family just died five minutes ago, and this was used to deahumanize him and as an excuse for everyone else in the busiest intersection on the road to ignore him. This didn’t just happen to him as an adult, it happened as a kid as well, nobody helped because he couldn’t beg and cry for help, because he looked ugly instead of like a perfect helpless victim in need of saving.

Shigaraki smiles in response to his trauma. He remembers his worst trauma, literally his family dying, and he grins. It’s literally an attempt to distance himself from his own emotions and process them because he has no healthy way of doing so otherwise. He’s trying to express himself in the only way he knows how and he gets ignored.

2. Toga

Toga acts similiarly to Shigaraki. She tries to express herself to Uraraka, tries to compare the two of them. As Himiko is much more emotionally intelligent than Shigaraki she also gives a voice to Uraraka’s innermost feelings.

Once again Uraraka doesn’t see her as a human, or try to listen to anything she’s said. Himiko isn’t a person with feelings and her own reason for doing things, she’s just a psycho.

Even though Himiko is really perceptive of Uraraka’s own hidden feelings the same is not true the other way around, even though we know that Uraraka is a very kind, emotionally intelligent girl who is always noticing the pain on other people’s faces she loses all that perceptiveness when dealing with Himiko.

Does Uraraka have to empathize with a girl literally trying to stab her and suck her blood? No, not necessarily. However, at the same time this is a character we are told always goes the extra mile to understand people, notice their pain, and always being motivated to help just kind of ignoring Himiko.

This relates to Himiko’s backstory as well. What was Himiko explicitly told to do by her parents? Always hide her pain. Always keep herself hidden for the sake of blending in. Wear a fake smile and be a nice, normal girl.

Himiko couldn’t even cry when she was sad and alone. She had to repress everything for the sake of being normal, for the sake of being acceptable to others, and now she doesn’t know how to anymore.

Himiko at least tried to be normal, tried to express herself in normal ways only to be misunderstood by everyone around her and is continually misunderstood and dehumanized even now. The easy life she wants is just the normal life that everybody else has, the one a normal girl like Uraraka has. But she doesn’t know how to express that, and Uraraka who has not been traumatized in any significant way doesn’t really understand what she’s been through. She can’t.

3. Dabi

We finally get to Dabi and his foil Hawks, where we can see not only is Dabi misudnerstood like in the previous two examples but his feelings are outright denied. Uraraka and Deku are ultimately both children, it’s understandable they don’t get the feelings of villains who have tried to kill him but this.

Hawks is not any better than Dabi in this situation. He just murdered Twice in cold blood right in front of him, but even though Hawks is actively the agressor in this situation look how he treats Dabi.

He accuses Dabi of nearly killing Twice, even though not only did Dabi show up to intervene for Twice’s sake, but he showed up to rescue Twice, from Hawks. The sheer gall of Hawks to try and kill twice but at the same time accuse Dabi of being the one to put Twice in danger.

The way they interact is completely different. Twice is someone who trusts Dabi. Dabi literally puts himself directly in between Hawks and Twice so Twice won’t get harmed any further. Yet, Twice still sees himself as the hero in this situation. Even while actively harming, and trying to kill Twice in his head he still thinks of himself as saving him.

Then after murdering Twice in cold blood after going on and on about how he was avoiding his vitals, and how he was going to carry him out of here and save him, when he’s directly confronted with Dabi’s anger over his dead friend, Hawks invalidates those emotions.

You’re not sad because you’re smiling. Hawks says. Hawks, literally the person who killed Twice, right in front of Dabi, then criticizes Dabi for not being appropriately sad about it. This is when Hawks has expressed no remorse for what he has done.

In his own head, Hawks is the hero and Dabi is the villain. Hawks feels guilty for his own actions. His own inhuman ability to shut off his own emotions and do what must be done. However, Heroes don’t kill people. Hawks must somehow remain the hero. He must be the one who is right. Therefore, he blames Dabi as the villain. Dabi is the scapegoat. Dabi is the one who was wrong. Dabi is the cold blooded killer even though he has done nothing more than try to protect his friend.

Dabi must be evil, must be a villain so that Hawks can be good. Hawks has to justify his actions and emotoins by dehumanizing the person in front of him. It’s not about Dabi at all. Dabi’s emotoins don’t even factor in or matter. It’s all Hawks self justification and the narrative he tells himself where he is the hero doing the right thing. And this is something that appears in Toga’s fight against Curious too, the villains literally have to fight for control of their own narrative, to be able to tell their story about their trauma in their own way because the heroes will always try to render it in easily digestible forms. They can’t be people, complex, messy people they must either be categorized as hero or victim.

Toga can’t be a normal girl, she has to be a martyr. Toga’s own feelings or opinions don’t matter. Hawks goes one step further and suggests that Dabi doesn’t even have feelings, he’s not even properly sad that his friend is dead.

Which Dabi finally replies with what is true for Himiko and Shigaraki. It’s not that he doesn’t want to cry, he can’t cry. Heroes continually confront villains with their actions and act like they feel no guilt at all, like they’re heartless psychopaths and treat them as such when the manga has shown us again and again the opposite.

Even if Dabi was crying his eyes out it wouldn’t matter though. Jin was crying, and that did not stop Hawks. The heroes who view themselves as heroes, who view themselves as empathic and good people who would never ignore a cry for help all stop acting that way when confronted with Shigaraki, Himiko and Dabi.

It eventually crosses a line into deliberate ignorance. It’s not seeing those on the other side as human beings, which is dangerous because it can literally turn murderous in the case of Hawks and Twice. It’s cries for help that go ignored because they’re not presented as easily digestible narratives. It’s a breakdown in empathy in a story where the stated goal of the main character is to be a hero who “never loses, and saves everyone.” There are people not being saved. There are people who are not being helped because they can’t ask for help.

Thanks to @savetenko for pointing out this parallel to me here!

#shigaraki tomura #himiko toga #dabi #todoroki touya #shimura tenko #uraraka ochako #midoriya izuku #hawks #keigo takami #league of villains meta #lov meta #mha meta #my hero academia meta #my hero academia theory

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benevolentsam · 4 years

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do you think you could write a little megruby thing of them talking about their different human lives pre-demoning?

“Do you ever think about your life before you were mixed in with the Winchesters?”

Ruby blinked, because she wasn’t sure if she did. If she could remember anything before Lilith came to her in Hell, pulled her off the rack, gave her life meaning again. She’d been waiting for something since John Winchester was born. And that something just so happened to be niave Sam.

Meg, who had gone by her hosts name for the last five years, was watching for an answer. Something Ruby wasn’t sure she could give.

“I remember Hell. And then Lilith gave me a mission.”

Meg tangled her fingers through Ruby’s, squeezed tight. She looked caught in a thought. Frowning, biting her lip, human gestures. And Ruby was worried, because she’d never seen Meg so unsure of herself. Not in the year they had been travelling, conspiring, finding company in the nights when humanity was asleep.

“You don’t remember being human?” She asked quietly, eventually.

If she tuned out the screams of Hell, then sometimes she could remember what her life was like. Couldn’t remember her real name, or what she used to look like, but there was a glimpse of something.

“I was a witch,” Ruby said. Eyes tight shut, she could see altars. “Not one of these little wiccans you see now. We bled people dry for rituals. But there was one girl in my coven, Rebecca.”

And Ruby had to stop, because if she thought about that girl she once loved, she migt send herself back to Hell. Try and find the girl’s soul.

“What about you?” She asked. She was curious, because Meg was so much older than her, had been Azazel’s pet for years. A soul he broke himself, forced back together until it resembled something whole. “Do you remember being human?”

“I’ve started dreaming about it,” Meg confessed. She was still gripping Ruby tight. Purple painted nails pressed into Ruby’s palm. “I hate dreams, I forgot what they felt like but they’ve started again. And I just keep seeing my baby brother. I remember- I remember he was sick. Something they doctors didn’t know how to cure. And then when he died, I turned to every vice they had back then.”

And she wasn’t crying, demons couldn’t, but Ruby could see she wanted to. Hell, even Ruby was feeling that tugging of emotion in her heart. Or her host’s heart, she supposed. It was barely anything, but it meant so much.

She pulled Meg close, body pressed against body, wouldn’t let go. This was the closest thing she could feel to love. Intemacy, tenderness, understanding. Because who else knew what it was like to be dammed. And what it was like to stop caring.

Drafted into a holy war.

They believed in their cause, they did. Because their god, Lucifer, loved them despite who they were. And Hell was Hell but. It would be better surely once their god was freed.

“Sometimes,” Meg said. “I want to go back to the simplicity of being human. Waking up, love your family, go to work, fall asleep next to someone you love.”

“We can do that,” Ruby promised, Meg still tight against her. “When this is all over, we’ll find somewhere and be half human together. Okay?”

And Meg believed her.

#Asks #napsterofficial #Ruby #Meg #Supernatural #Spn ladies #Spn femslash #RubyMeg #Spn #Ruby 2.0 #Meg 2.0 #I'm imagining this set somewhere in season 5 #I hope this is okay for you #I am sorry it's a bit angsty #My stuff #My writing

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nepenthe-flower · 2 years

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Letter to my friend

Dear p,

Our friendship started out very natural and ver comfortable. It was as if the universe let us meet each other at the exact moment for a good reason. I felt really accepted and warm being our friend. We shared our education goals and struggles. We gottrough classes togeter and gave each oter that mutual support and teamwork to achieve our goals. Our conversations were fun but they were also deep. I was ale to share a part of me to you that everyone else migt not have known. I never cry infront of others, but were that one friend that saw my emotional side. I also learned how to enjoy simple things and experienced what it would be like to have a friendship close to sisterhood.

I have Always wanted to be your best friend and mabe have that glorified title to boast. But I knew that best friend was already taken so i was content with being second best. Your real best friend was someone you knew longer, someone from high school. Your inside jokes were abundant, your interests and references so elusive to outsiders like me. I sometimes felt jealous or left out. But i was never really angry because i knew i came second, our friendship still too young.

When you started seeing a significant other and i didn't know till later, i was surprised but still didn't think that i we would drift even farther. I know sharing personal things may be difficult for some, so i didnt feel hurt by your keeping things from me. Maybe I should have felt hurt? But i didnt because somehow i knew your real best friend would deserve more of your trust and secrecy than me. I was only second best right?

Then the relationship wityour significant other pushed you farther away from your family and best friend, and it seemed like i was the only one distant enough and objective enough to be there for you. Not in the drama, cool enough to give you support, and would accept you even if I was put in the backseat or used as a placeholder.

You fought with your best friend. Your best friend found a new best friend. You promoted me and gave me the title of best friend. But, i didnt feel like we got closer at all. I felt like a placeholder. Someone to fill the spot of a friend just because you felt like everyone around you was gone. I really craved the feeling and closeness of true best friends. Sharing out deepest secrets, having our inside jokes, and genuinely making time for each other. Was my expectation to high? What is a best friend ? Instead, is a bestfriend someone who is always ok with what you do, even if you forget about your friend?

I wanted to meet with you. Talk with you in person. To hear your voice, see your face and expressions. To be in your presence and to share our deepest and darkest thoughts. To exchange opinions and just to relax in each other's good company. I prefered spending time with you and just you, but i was flexible and was ok if you really needed to bring your significant other. I just wanted to genuinely see you.

Then, just as the plans were made, i hear nothing from you for days..maye even a week or more. Silence..just nothing as if you disappeared. Ghosted me? I was a bit perplexed but i wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, i still sincerely thought we were best friends then..

Days later, a text. An appology that you were going through a rough time. Of course i forgaveyou and give you the biggest cheerleading support. I was genuine and i believed you. The pattern of putting me in the back seat continued but i didnt realize it.

Finally a sudden break through. The next time we planned to meet, you never carried through. You didnt think about it, you didnt plan it even though we talked about it in Advanced. You were relying on me to take the initiative and pull the entire friendship through even with your little effort. How strange of me not to realize this until present. When i called it off you realized I caught on, i was angry.. and you asked if i felt angry. When someone knows you're angr they must know why.. what caused te anger. If they can sense your emotions the can predict the cause. I am sure they are consciously are aware of it. Being oblivious migt have been more genuine as strange as that may sound... being aware but knowingly upsetting others.. means one chooses to offend and is hopping the other person will be ok with it.

Did you change or was i just too oblivious to see? My fault for being blind. But i realized i was always the one holding on and being overly accepting in the friendship without drawing my boundaries. I accepted too easily and demanded too little. I sold myself short. I realized that after nearly eight years of friendship and you knew so little about me, because you never cared to find out. Eight years of friendship but you never knew mybirthday or bothered to ask... yourdesperate attempt to amend things right before giving up too.. quick and timely end was it not? Goodbye.

Thank you for teaching me the lesson of valuing me before anyone else, especially those that don't genuinely care about fostering friendship to begin with. Thank you for showing me what not to do to a friend and how to approach boundaries. The lesson was indeed a good one. May i heal and move on from the past.

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rocksinmuffin · 7 years

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how would mtmte megatron, whirl, cyclonus, or ultra magnus react to their s/o having a panic attack shaking and crying because something reminded them of a past abuser? sorry if it's to angsty

Ultra Magnus would be the best at handling this. He would just sit with you, letting you squeeze his hand or hold him or anything you need, just letting you know he’s there for you and you’re not alone during that moment. He doesn’t ask any details or force you to talk about anything you don’t want to but he makes it clear that he’s there to listen if you need to talk.

Cyclonus would have a similar approach though he’s a little less sensitive. Still, he means well in his own way. He sits through with you during the moment but then reminds you that whoever inspired those feelings has no power over you any more. He’ll then go over some self defense maneuvers whether you like it or not and will go into detail about the many ways to eviscerate a person. You don’t know if that makes you feel better or not but you appreciate the sentiment.

Megatron tries to stay calm for you during the moment but internally he’s probably having a panic attack of his own. He’d wonder what he might have done to cause such a reaction and would be wrought with feelings of intense guilt. It’s probably not the first time he’s gotten such a reaction from someone before and it might even pull him into a dark place. You migt notice he’s shaking as he comforts you. Once you’ve had a moment to settle, you kiss his fingers and let him know you’re okay and do your best to comfort him.

Whirl is THE WORST. He has no idea what to do. Who can he punch to stop you from crying? Who can he shoot in the face to make everything okay?!?! He’s not prepared for this. He has no idea what he’s doing and he ends up just awkwardly patting at your back but he’s trying.

#ask #anon #transformers #transformers idw #mtmte #megatron #whirl #ultra magnus #cyclonus #panic attacks #angst #bad times #i'm sorry I obviously have no idea what to do if someone has a panic attack #when people cry I just let them hug me and snot on my shirt and I will awkwardly pat their back #sinning #reader insert

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honeeyybeebabyy · 5 years

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Today I found myself unable to cry...

Which is saying something, considering that everyone surrunding me has come to terms with the fact that I am nothing short of a drama queen, all of them. Except for me.

There once was a girl who was born to resemble a flower, but wilted along the way. To match her middle name she painted her uneven fingernails red, a symbol of comformity amoung the masked faces she can’t seem to feel comfortable with calling family. “It’s my favoite color.” She claimed... but grew to second guess herself.

My mother named me Lily Rose, and to match my name I painted my nails red week after week as if it was a necessity. I did it assuming that if I didnt, I might fall off of the edge of the street my childhood home sits apon.

The home with broken windows and holes in the wooden floor- a broken home... literally. The other day I painted my nails pink. Pink to match the color of the sky around 8pm during the hot summer. To match the color of my roasted cheeks as they bake in the last bit of sunlight seeping behind the skyline.

Pink is no better than red, I’ve discovered, as they resemble the same thing. A place that has burdened me with thick dried out vines growing through my windows, that tie me to the railing of the back porch. Some are overgrown, crawling down my throat as if there was any other way they could constrict me that they haven’t thought of yet.

Today I found myself unable to cry. At least not enough for tears to have enough weight to slide down my cheeks. Instead they pooled beneath my eyelashes and called it home, at least until the shitty window-hung air conditioner slowly dried them out while my eyes refused to produce more.

It’s not that I wasn’t hurting, no. In fact I can’t figure out what it was... the thing that was stopping me from doing what I’m best at, crying. Ask anyone, I’m pretty damn good. This is not the fist time this has happened to me, no, it’s happened just enough to give me the motivtion to write this.

I used to believe that I’d never be able to stop crying, and that on the off chance that I did, it would be because I’m finally happy. Am I happy? Is that even a question worthy of asking anymore? I used to flood everywhere I walked with a trail of salt water behind me, until eventually the only place I was flodding was my room.

It was your stereotypical girl crying alone in bed all day, every day story, until it wasn’t. I couldn’t cry today, no. But that doesn’t mean I’m better. It means I’m worse. They used to say I’d be okay, because I migt be fucked up, but at least I knew it, and at least I understood it enough to control myself when I needed to. But how am I supposed to keep a problem under control if I dont know what it is?

I don’t know why I didn’t cry today, or the days before that, but at least I’m still able to recognize the fact that I stopped crying. At this rate of deteriation, I’m afraid that soon Imight forget, and when that happens, it will be too late.

#writing #short story #diary #essay #anonymous #journal #poetry

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