#these might be a little slow coming in because i don't want to binge the movies three times in a row

[novelmonger]

So I'm a pretty big LotR fan. And I'm a pretty big fan of the movies. No, they're not perfect, but they're a really good adaptation and a truly masterful work of cinematic art. I've grown pretty familiar with the movies over the past 23 years (@_@) - and not just the movies themselves, but I also love learning all about how they were made. I've watched all the way through all the bonus material in the Extended Editions at least five times (and some of the more fun bits way more times than that XD). I've even watched all three movies with the cast commentary.

But you know what I've never done, not even at the height of my obsession when I had way more free time than I do now? I've never watched the movies with the other commentaries. It looks like there are three more commentaries, with different groups of various people on the crew, and for some reason I never got around to listening through them. I can't for the life of me think why - maybe I thought I already knew everything they'd talk about? maybe I somehow thought it would be boring??? - but today that changes!

I'm going to just jot down the main things that stick out to me that I didn't know before. I've gleaned a lot of BTS information and stories about these movies from various sources, so I'm not sure how long this will be, but I'm sure there will be some new things that jump out at me.

From the FotR writer/director commentary with Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh:

There was a draft of the script where they didn't have a prologue, and all the information about Sauron and the Ring and Gollum and everything was going to be in that conversation between Frodo and Gandalf @_@ Can you imagine? I mean, yeah, it would be more like the book, but At What Cost? (At the cost of several memes and short attention spans, that's what.)

Peter Jackson says he doesn't like magic or wizards in movies. Um...sir? Why the heck are you making fantasy movies then???

The location where they shot the Ford of Bruinen was a real ford that was used during the gold rush in New Zealand! Because New Zealand had a gold rush around the same time as the one in the U.S.!

Hugo Weaving actually did the voice of Isildur when he claims the Ring and says, "No." I have...questions.

Peter Jackson says the journey through Moria is the best sequence in the book, and Fran and Philippa say it's the best-written chapter. Interesting! I don't know what I would point to as the best-written chapter of FotR; I don't think I've ever thought of that (though I might say some of the best descriptions in this book are in Rivendell).

They said they might redo the Gollum scene in Moria to make him look more like he does in TTT. Uhhh...it's been 23 years, guys, where's my remaster? XD

The Frodo-Gandalf conversation in Moria (the "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" conversation) was done with forced perspective??? I never realized that! I thought they just had Elijah sit a little lower than Ian so their eyelines would be right! They totally look like they're looking into each other's eyes, but they're not! :O

"Often in movies, that's a rare thing, to have shots in which nothing is real." - Oh, PJ, if you only knew what the state of things would be in two decades....

The scene of the Fellowship mourning Gandalf outside Moria was filmed before Ian McKellan had even arrived in New Zealand! :O So they were all mourning and reacting to the death of someone they probably weren't even sure what he looked like yet!

Sean Bean was apparently the only one of the primary actors who had any experience with a sword? Or at least he had the most experience. Viggo had to do the Weathertop fight scene on his first day, when he'd never touched a sword before @_@

In Boromir's death scene, the words sung by the chorus in the background is an Elvish translation of Faramir's line "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." ;A;

At one point, they were going to have Frodo fighting off an Uruk-Hai before he goes into the boat??? They even shot some of the footage?! Thankfully, they realized that was completely the wrong way to go about his end to this movie; it needed to be an emotional climax, not an action scene, and Frodo's victory is over his own doubts and the Ring's influence on him, when he grasps the Ring and marches forward to continue on his Quest, alone if need be. Thank goodness they realized that before it was too late.

SEAN ASTIN WAS NOT UNDERWATER IN THE SHOT OF HIM DROWNING WHAAAAAT MIND BLOWN

The shot of Boromir's boat going over the edge of the waterfall was actually footage of a barrel going over the Niagara Falls, and they just used CG to replace the barrel with the boat O.O

Fran Walsh: So Viggo's just put on Boromir's gauntlets... Me, a nerd: Vambraces, actually.

#lord of the rings #lotr #peter jackson #philippa boyens #fran walsh #these might be a little slow coming in because i don't want to binge the movies three times in a row #but i WILL be going through all the commentaries besides the cast commentary which i've already heard

[deviantly-inspired]

Dreamling concept

I absolutely love the 600 year slow burn to friendship and then wildfire romance that's in dreamling fics (it's IMMENSELY satisfying) but also, please consider:

after they finally (finally) become friends after 600 years they just... take their time, with romance. They spend years getting to know each other, genuinely, as friends. They don't know eachother, not really, until Dream has held Hob while he sobs over a loved one dying AND when he's seen Hob in his PJs eating ice cream out the pint because his students have stressed him out to the point of needing either ice cream or violence and Hob likes to think he chooses violence less often these days. And Hob doesn't really know Dream until he's heard that awful laugh, some unholy mix between braying donkey and the sound of magma shifting beneath the earth's crust OR until he's watched Dream scowl at the tele because they got to the last episode of "Game of Thrones" and Dream isn't any happier then anyone else is about a lot of those decisions.

And they spend days and weeks and years of being in one another's pockets. Choosing to come together again and again for a pint or a season binge or a silent supporting friend when the weight of living is a little harder. They earn each other's trust, and because they're both a little dense and maybe a lot more walking-wounded, the moment that each of them realizes that the other trusts them is, well, it's something that makes life worth living, for both of them.

Hob realizes Dream trusts him first, something small, something like Hob going to guide Dream out of the way and Dream just goes without any sort of hesitation. Not mountains or meteors could move Dream if he didn't want to, but he just goes to where Hob guides him out of the way so Hob can take the carrots out of the oven. It's enough to humble a man, and Hob might have a little cry over it later, in private, but for now he grins and tells Dream he has to try the carrots with the lamb, he hasn't lived until he's done so.

And Dream is a little slower to realize, I think. Because Hob is pretty open and friendly, it's a bit harder for Dream who's not so good with interacting with people face-to-face, to tell that Hob doesn't really get close to very many people for all that plenty seem to like him. There's a few exceptions, but even they are kept at a distinct distance. And it's maybe something small, like a small party or gathering of some of Hob's friends and it's late and folks are tipsy and Hob just kinda... dozes off against Dream. And Dream doesn't think anything of it, Hob does this quite often but Hob's other friends are immediately very surprised: Hob doesn't sleep in front of others, they explain. A relic from the war/traumatic past/whatever Hob's used to tell them. No matter how late or how tired or even how drunk he is, Hob would rather drive/bus/walk home then sleep where others can see him. You must be pretty special, one of them says. He even fell asleep on you like that: I've never seen him look so relaxed.

And I think that there's something beautiful about the slow, inescapable draw of it. It's like two meteors from opposite ends of the galaxy that have been on a collision course for eons. They both have moments of realizing that they're falling in love. They know it's going to happen, and the tension is slow and sweet and lovely. And there's no need to rush, because there's trust there too. Sometimes they'll meet gazes and they'll know, both of them, in that moment that they're in love. That, someday, what's growing between them is going to be a bloom unlike anything the universe has ever seen before. And they'll smile together and continue watching bad tv dramas or swapping gossip or sharing their pints and maybe their shoulders brush and their touches linger a bit longer that night but it's okay. There's no need to rush. They have forever after all.

And I think also that Dream is just a dramatic romantic enough of a bastard to confess to Hob on June 7, 2089 and i think Hob is just enough of a dramatic romantic to tell Dream that he certainly took his time.

I'm not late, am I, Dream will ask.

Of course not, Hob will laugh, you're exactly on time. We've plenty of it.

And in the Dreaming there will be a quiet warm breeze and gentle sunshowers as in the deepest heart of the dreaming a flower never before seen blooms awake. And in the waking two friends close the gap between them and talk about how Sally next door really needs to stop over watering her flowers she's going to drown the poor things, really.

And then they'll have the absolute longest courtship and engagement of anyone in the universe. There will be entire religions that will rise and fall before they get married. Pantheons will come into existence and be utterly dumbfounded when they're invited to Dream of the Endless and Hob Gadling weddings because weren't they already married? They've been together since the beginning of it all.

It's be great.

#dreamling #the sandman #dev writes #sadman sadman give me a dream

[the-likesofus]

Buddie Fic Recs

AKA Talented Mutuals Tuesday

Except I spent so long making this list that the timezones changed over BUT I wanted to show my mutuals some love and now that we are going into the hiatus I thought you might all like a list of quality fics to keep you occupied while there is no new Weewoo show. 

I don't know if anyone will actually want to join in on this but if you do the rules are simple:

SHOW YOUR MUTUALS SOME LOVE! Share your favourite fics, (or gifs, edits, literally anything that your very talented mutuals have made), as many or as few as you like but let's share the love around <3

Apologises in advance for the long post btw

@speaknowdiaz I would literally read anything that April writes and would probably sell a limb for the incredible WIPs I know she's still cooking up but here are a couple of my faves:

pining and anticipation (I don't want you like a best friend)

Buck challenges Eddie to try to hit on him after teasing Eddie for not having any ‘game’. This fic is very funny and very soft.

believe in one thing (i won't go away)

This fic hit me straight in the feels. Buck and Eddie go to couples therapy even though they aren't a couple and they work through some stuff.

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@thosetwofirefighters Incredible amazing Nat ily xx

Say It All Out Loud

Eddie comes out to Aunt Pepa after his ‘date’ with Vanessa. I am a little bit biased towards this one because she did write it for me but it's honestly just so good!

How to Cure Boredom: Buckley Edition

The 118 are stuck at the firehouse during a slow shift and Buck entertains them all by mattress-surfing the loft stairs. It’s soft and silly and in the same universe as her other fic Safe in His Arms.

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@loveyourownsmiilee The wonderful amazing Juju not only writes incredible meta and keeps us all fed with Oliver content but Juju also writes wonderful buddie fic. 

When Were You Under Me?

Who doesn’t love a Friends AU. This is Buck and Eddie as Ross and Rachel and it is hilarious and so sweet. 

You should also check out her Buddie Language Meta if you have not read it before <3

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@elvensorceress Jenwyn’s work always astounds me so be sure to check these out:

Color Him Father, Color Him Love

I will scream from the rafters how much I adore this fic and yes it did make me cry (happy tears). It’s a look into Buck’s head after his sperm donor kid is born and he realizes what Christopher (and Eddie) truly mean to him. I know I have recced this before but it deserves all the love. 

Unless You Ask Me To

Eddie dates a man for the first time, and Buck is completely 'Fine'. This is a preemptive rec because it is one chapter away from completion and I have been saving it to binge in one sitting but knowing Jenwyn and her incredible talent I guarantee this will be worth the read. 

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@spotsandsocks If anyone’s work is guaranteed to make me sob like a baby (happy, sad, or tears of laughter) it’s Spotty. 

Everything But (temptation)

This is Spotty’s newest fic and it's just brilliant. Buck is practicing extreme self-control whilst Eddie is being an irresistible menace. 

Could Have, Should Have, Would Have

Buck finally tells Eddie he loves him right before Eddie’s new boyfriend is supposed to meet Christopher. Honestly, all I can say about this fic is that it’s a masterpiece and I screamed many times while reading it. 

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@shortsighted-owl Wonderful amazing Owly (Abbi). I appreciate you so and you make my dash so happy xx

Of foam-moustached kisses, and button combinations

For all your sweet domestic buddie needs this is the fic. Eddie is practicing a video game to get better than Chris and Buck makes fun of his ex-technophobe boyfriend. 

Also THIS EDIT SET to the lyrics of You’re All That I Have by Snow Patrol make me assdffgghjjklkll

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@lilbuddie Okay, this one is just a brag because Minja doesn’t actually have any fics published yet (side eye) but I wanna make sure she is on everyone’s radar for when she does because yall are not ready for the incredible amazing talent that is this girl’s writing!! So go check out the snippets on her Tumblr and badger her until she finishes something plssssss

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@wheelsupin-five Hi! <3

Almost Almost Almost

This adorable of Buck who is always cold and Eddie warms him up I– asfffghhjkklllll

Under Kitchen Light

SO SOFT! Buck wakes up and Eddie isn't there, Buck finds him in the kitchen. 

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@rogerzsteven Simi owns my heart and by that I mean my heart is locked in a cage in Simi’s basement where it is occasionally beaten to a pulp by the most incredibly angsty fics you've ever read.

Cleanse

Buck is extremely nauseous and Eddie takes care of him while I sob over them in a corner.

build me a home underground (free from light and sound)

This fic is so brutal in all the best ways, my heart was in my throat the entire read! Buck gets trapped in a sensory deprivation room while the 118 and Athena race to find him. 

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@ashavahishta another incredibly talented mutual of mine

out of ashes

Is it really a Meegs rec list if I don’t rec this fic honestly it's engraved on my soul. This is a criminal minds/greys inspired fic where Buck is kidnapped and tortured until the 118 can find him. This fic is so so well written and means a million things to me I could never explain but pleaseeeee read it!! 

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@jobairdxx hello lovely xx

Oh, We Pray to Make it Through the Night

Highly recommend this fic, I do love a near-death experience fic! Buck gets injured on a call and Eddie falls asleep holding vigil at his bedside. 

Jules also writes beautiful poetry on Tumblr so go read some of that too <3

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@monsterrae1 MISS RAE! YOU INCREDIBLE THING! <3

love is on its way

I know we’re all a little bit in mourning over the couch theory but it lives on in our hearts and in this fic which has six moments between Buck and Eddie on the Diaz couch (and she’s a wee bit spicy too).

Buck's café (take my heart, just not my order)

Coffee Shop AU. Buck runs the shop where the 118 order all their drinks on shift. I absolutely adore this fic! 

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@alyxmastershipper RYAN!! INCREDIBLY TALENTED MUTUAL THAT YOU ARE!! 

there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

If “aasdsdfghhjkl” was a person it was me reading this fic. Eddie comes out to Buck, receives a quirky mug, and gets together with the love of his life. In that order.

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@bekkachaos Wonderful, amazing Bekka xxx

lose yourself in the feeling

I am a sucker for ‘accidental kisses’ and this was just wonderful. Buck is so excited about Maddie and Chim getting engaged that he kisses Eddie when he tells him. 

start me up, open my eyes

Okay, the mild sexual content tag is a lie, nothing has ever been closer to smut without actually being smut than this fic, I have never been so wound up reading a fic. Bekka builds the tension so so well. 

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@sibylsleaves honestly I'm still a little in shock that we're mutuals now so please excuse me while I fangirl over your incredible writing!

with a bird at your door

Eddie starts spending all his time with Buck. Which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that Buck is in love with him. This fic is the perfect mixture of pining, angst, and a happy ending. And yes I think about this fic frequently I love it okay. 

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@mysteriouslyyounggalaxy last but certainly not least (for now). hello lovely xx

(tell the gravedigger) better dig two

Missing scenes from while eddie is trapped in the well followed by the most perfect extended reunion scene. We all know I am a sucker for fics based on the well incident, it’s literally how i started writing for buddie but omg this fic!!!! 

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Remember to share the love around and happy hiatus to you all.

Love, Meegs xxxx

#buddie #buddie fic #buddie fic recs #buddie rec list #911 fox #eddie diaz #evan ‘buck’ buckley #christopher diaz #911 buddie #eddie x buck #buck x eddie #911 fic #911 fic recs #meegs says stuff #buddie ao3 #911 ao3 #buddie recs list 4 #talented mutuals tuesday #911 abc

[sunbeamstress]

i jumped on the Walking Dead train really late, but i got to finish the show with the fans and i thought it was excellent. it also marks the second or third time i've binged a piece of acclaimed media that became noteworthy for fucking over its fans - the last time was when i beat the mass effect trilogy, a decade late. i thought that was excellent too.

of course it's a lot easier when the game you're playing already has the patched-in ending option and all its DLC, and walking dead was definitely easier to get through since when season 5 ended, i could go right into season 6 without The Cliffhanger

it's clear that the show i watched wasn't the show that AMC presented. scrubbed of its social media gaffes and godawful pacing, it was honestly a thrill ride. it takes a little time to stumble its way through the first two seasons, and the third is definitely more of a slow burn of dread, but if you can punch your way through those you're rewarded with a tense thriller that rarely wastes its time - every scene demands your attention and reveals something new. the moment my life settles down again i want to binge-watch it all over again with a friend.

in my early/mid twenties, i'd fallen in love with an artsy little tech-fetishist webcomic about a few kids struggling to avert the end of the world. you might have heard of it, it was called Homestuck. it would go on to balloon into a very different sort of work from the one it began (i miss the Amiga graphics and quotes from poets/novelists), but also it was the first time i looked around to realize i was in the middle of a fandom. and in those days it wasn't a lovely sight.

my problem was i hadn't been inoculated against this sort of thing yet. from the moment i discovered the MSPA forums, it was impossible for me to experience homestuck without also crossing over to get a life feed of how the fans were enjoying it, and that was uhh, complicated. i have a lot i could say about Andrew Hussie as a creator and maybe one day he'll get his very own rambling not-quite-essay from me, but i maintain that i didn't get to enjoy Homestuck the way it deserved because i am the sort of person whose opinions can be influenced by others. you are too, don't judge.

i hold fast to my conviction that the best way to enjoy something is to enjoy it pure and alone, or with at most perhaps two friends whose tastes you can trust. all too often i've seen people try to make it through the walking dead, or better call saul, or mass effect, or homestuck, or anything, while tapped into the overwhelming torrent of fandom opinion.

it actually makes things worse.

as the internet is fond of saying: the walking dead was a hell of a lot better without a bitch in my ear telling me it sucked.

there's a lot to say about how they reused the same ol' same ol' plot: zombos force the crew to move, they get settled in, then they solve some zombo-related problems until the newest batch of Desperate And/Or Corrupt And/Or Treacherous Humans comes to prove that actually we were the monsters all along

except it's fucking dope? they bare-knuckle brawl a shitload of walkers in a prison and take it over? and then they fight a war with the neighboring town??

Terminus, to me, is a singular point in the show that stands out in my mind. it was the moment i was like "oh shit. i think actually like this show." nevermind the way they began cranking up the horror factor (watching them slit that guy's throat in the horse trough was wild), but then Carol shows up and fucking Judge Dredds the place?

and then we see Rick turn from do-gooder cop to feral den mother who is willing to rip a guy's throat out and fjksdhgfjkhgjkhg oh my GOD how did you people not like this show

and then:

it was genuinely incredible watching Rick's role in the universe transform. we see him as an agent who is only ever acted upon: first by the emergence of walkers, then by a revolving door of people he can't trust, people he shouldn't trust but does, and people who have a funny way of doing the right thing just when you expect them to fail you the most.

but it's no way to live a life after the world has ended, and he has to get tough. his role changes, quite quickly, from agent to actor, and now he is the one with the control. he's the one sniffing out your bullshit, doing that unhinged lupine head-cock of his, and sending you to hell at the end of a colt python.

maybe if i was a man, i'd feel a little of what the fans seemed to have felt when Negan showed up. maybe i would have put myself in Rick's place, and found a little vicarious pleasure in the feeling of being a respected leader, building a new home with my bare hands; maybe i would have experienced disappointment or defeat or whatever the moment a bigger guy with a bigger gun shows up.

but what i saw was a hornet's nest being stirred; the natural reaction of a world much bigger than you just when you've begun to think you might control some of it. negan wasn't some Bigger Guy, he was a symbol, a walking metaphor for how things are always going to go when men like rick try to purchase peace with violence. if it wasn't Negan it was going to be someone else. i adamantly believe the fans hated negan because negan was holding up a mirror to them.

when i go on about this show, i genuinely do love all of it (even the nightmarishly slow seasons 9 and 10), but the images in my head all come from season 5, especially when they raid the hospital back in the city. the walking dead does not disappoint with aesthetics. the sets were phenomenal.

long, dramatic shots of broken chain link fences, sun-baked highways, half-abandoned urban streets with boarded windows and nothing left but graffiti. honestly feels a little like my childhood. i'm an urbex bitch at heart and i never wanted ANYTHING so desperately as the chance to get in there with Carol and Aaron and Maggie et al, and go plumbing the tombs of Atlanta for rocket launchers and medicine.

and while i never want to see backroads or quaint country towns ever again in my life, i won't deny that the backdrops of rural georgia and virginia gave the walking dead a unique visual language, a kind of run-down western vibe that really helped cement the feeling that these were just regular salt-of-the-earth people, forced to do extraordinary things. most of my dreams now usually have the same hickory and pine trees that dotted the countrysides.

i don't really know what i was trying to accomplish when i began this post (it's the only way i know how to write baby!) but to summarize, i fucking loved this show. i genuinely hold it to be one of the seminal works of modern zombie horror and also just an incredibly good survival soap opera about what it means to be alive in a world that has violently rejected you. i'm genuinely glad i gave it a chance and i'm so grateful my brother recommended it to me. i love you, bro.

#twd #the walking dead #less review more ramble

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Be Panda, Do Soft-Style

You know this guy?

I love this guy. Eh catches cannon balls and doesn't afraid of anything (it's an older meme, sir, but it checks out), except PTSD and low self-esteem. That's my Panda.

OK. So let's talk about negative emotions, pain, and crippling anxiety.

No! Ha-ha, well, okay, maybe a little.

Some of us like movies and TV because their sameness is comforting, they teach us valuable lessons, and they don't judge us if we have to go back and watch something again because we didn't understand - or just 'cos we like seeing it again, and we're having a parasocial relationship with everyone in it. And some of us need movies and TV for those same reasons. Maybe a little more, maybe a little less, but real-life people aren't going to be patient enough to help us learn the hard stuff, and we know that, so we stick with movies and TV. Society tends to label people like that, people like me, as autistic. Not always, but it's getting better at catching and labelling the behaviour.

So when I need help with a big concept, something super hard, I go running to movies, TV, and stories or metaphors of all kinds. That's the easiest way for me to learn and understand, but most of us like learning that way. At least a little.

So, let's talk about my Panda pal's kung fu.

Po fights dragon style, which is a soft style. Soft styles are more about seeing where the energy is coming from and redirecting it. Tigress, who is hard-style to her core, will punch a brick wall until she busts right through it. Po will just go, "Hey, there's a door! You guys? Door over here!" walk through, and maybe poke his head back out and ask, "You need anything while I'm in here? Okay. Cool." Soft style requires you to slow down enough, and be smart and patient enough, to find that door.

All kung fu is valid!

(I love you, Tigress! You can punch me anytime!)

But not all kung fu is appropriate for every situation. You punch through a cannonball, it explodes, and you get very badly injured or die.

I see a lot of stuff on Tumblr about people trying to punch through their pain, anxiety, and negative feelings. I don't like you, anxiety. I don't like you, depression. I don't need you. You're not real. You're a little bitch. I will defeat you. I will get better and better at defeating you, and you will go away FOREVER! DIEEEE!

It's my first instinct too! I don't want these things, they are hurting me, I want them to go away. If I were strong, I could just break through. Normal people break through these things like they're nothing (*bing!* I've just added another layer of wall, "I'm broken, I'm weak," to what I've already been failing to punch through). If I just keep pushing (adding more layers to the wall every time my punch fails to defeat it) I will get stronger, and better, and I will feel nothing!

"Is that what you want?" Oogway might say to Shifu, his student who insists on learning (and teaching) everything the hard way. "To feel nothing? That sounds rather sad to me."

"No! I want to get rid of these bad feelings so I can make good ones! I want to feel happy, and loved, and secure! I want self-confidence!"

"My poor friend is still holding a peach," the turtle might say, "and trying to force it to become an apple. And then, when he has done the impossible, he thinks he may deserve self-confidence."

"I can throw this peach at the wall, and destroy it, and go find an apple!"

The turtle laughs. "Then you will have made quite a mess! And when you return with your apple, you may find the peach pit you have abandoned has grown into another tree, with many more peaches for you to throw. But perhaps there is a better way." And he would pick a peach, and eat it, like turtles do, slowly, but without mercy, until it's all gone, even the pit, and walk away. "It was not bad, a little bitter. I think next, I will eat a dumpling."

My boi can catch a cannonball because he doesn't go after it hard-style. He takes it head-on, holds it in his furry little arms, and redirects it. He's not super great at getting it where he wants it to go, not at first, and it does set him on fire, but he's still alive!

"You know, this doesn't feel great, but dealing with your trauma and post-traumatic stress is a process! My fist hungers... for self-care! Ow!"

He does, eventually, get better at it (quickly, because we only have about 90 minutes to tell this story) and not every hit lands, but when one does, he holds it for a second, aims, and lets go. He does not punch, he does not try to stop that sucker cold, he holds it, deals with it, and lets it go. And once he figures out what he's doing, it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. He has fun. Po's not the Fun Police, if he's having fun, he accepts that too. Yep, okay, this could kill me, but it looks so cool! Let's have fun while it lasts! Ladies, gentlemen and others, I present: soft style.

Even if your brain behaves itself perfectly, in your life, you are gonna hit walls. Some of 'em won't slow you down. But when one does, the first thing you gotta do is acknowledge the fact that there is a WALL here. I know you don't want the wall, but there it is. It doesn't matter whether it belongs there, you don't have to justify it. Insulting it and interrogating it won't make it not be there. That irritating AOL voice yelling "You've got wall!" will not go away until you acknowledge receipt of your wall. Okay. I've got wall. I don't have to like it, but here it is. It is here.

(This is what they mean when they say "your emotions are valid," they're just insecure and trying to sound professional.)

Now what?

(OK, but assuming we don't have a flame-proof cartoon butt and a destiny.)

First: Don't punch the wall. Ah-ah-ah! Back up! How hard could it be to not do something? you think. This'll be easy! It's incredibly hard to comply with a negative. Don't read this. Yeah. Now don't think of a solid white zebra. ... ... ... Yeah. Ka-POW! Ouch! Why does that hurt? I'd better punch it again and figure it out!

Stop. Redirect. Since we're using a wall metaphor here, you gotta go sideways. (Indeed, given enough time, all things shall become crab.) If there were a door right in front of your face, you'd see it. Forwards is not an option right now. Be a good little crustacean and pick a new direction. This is also how one extricates one's self from a riptide - people die because it's counterintuitive. You want to be back on the beach, why would you swim towards more ocean? Attacking the obstacle at its strongest point will not get you where you wanna go any faster than looking for a way around. In fact, sometimes, it won't get you there at all.

Are you still, intermittently, thinking of a solid white zebra? Like, what would that even look like? How would I know it's not just a white horse? Well, if you weren't before you are now. OK. So every time that zebra comes back, think of a solid white peacock with a tragic backstory.

(I know he's not solid white, I'm just being silly. Forgive me.)

If you take a step towards the sexy (but still extremely evil and genocidal) peacock, you are moving sideways. If you keep it up, you'll get a little distance, a little perspective, and when you have enough room to stop banging your head like a stubborn moth, maybe you'll be able to see a door in the wall... Or some convenient fireworks, who knows? Maybe you do have a destiny. Then, you'll be able to go through.

...Though it may be a squeeze, and you might not end up exactly where you thought you wanted to go.

(Oh, no, stairs!)

Or maybe you'll end up someplace even better and more surprising.

"You just wanted to see the tournament? Well, now you're the Dragon Warrior. Have fun with that."

But, again, this is a skill that takes practice. Every time you manage to stop or head sideways instead of banging into the wall is a victory. Eventually, you will get better at it.

I mean, you know, I've heard.

(This is me. I wanna be Po, but it's just my nature to fight hard and make everything harder. Maybe one of these days I'll accept that, and stop fighting my nature and making it harder, but I wouldn't bet on it.)

Doctors and mental health professionals will tell you, most pain is anxiety. Part of that is the simple physical fact that when you tense up and struggle, it hurts more. Some things can be fought hard style, and some things can't. Slow down, take your time, feel the flow - and then you can decide whether to go with it, go against it, or go around.

For example, I was having serious anxiety because, right when I got up, a lot of things were going wrong, and needed attention, and I couldn't fix them all, or even one. So I let someone I trust give me a little help, and I wrote a little mental health article with my friend, the Panda. Maybe I'll find a way to go forward in a little while, or maybe not yet, but I already feel a little better.

(Even this guy smiles once in a blue moon.)

Thanks to the Kung Fu Panda Wiki for hosting most of the images I needed. And if you "like" this content, reblog it 'cos I'm trying to get known around here. That goes for just about everyone else, too.

#mental health #kung fu panda #po #shifu #oogway #tigress #soft style #emotions #your emotions are valid #and now you know why autistic people relate better to media than real life #i didn't catch that could you play it again?

[finniestoncrane]

Finnie, my lovely gal, if it’s not too much to ask could I get a uhhh… no.9 with a side of you’re-a-really-awesome-writer jalapeño poppers and an extra sweet master-of-simp-fics iced tea please?

So I’m a Latina from Texas, but I am whiter than a damn ghost until around summertime where I get a little bit of a tan. ☀️ I have ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and I am somehow on the spectrum but not really (you can thank my psychiatrist) 🙃 I’m into drawing stuff especially if it’s fantastical and/or creepy. I like reading, gaming, doing stuff online, playing on my phone and lots of other stuff I rarely have time for 😅 Creepy stuff is my jam, as well as the colors pink and black and some cute things here and there. I love almost all types of music but I’m a BIG fan of classic rock and I love early 2000’s punk, Pour Some Sugar On Me is my favorite song while Green Day is my favorite band! Horror movies fill me with joy, not even kidding. I love weird facts and information. True crime stuff slaps 👌🏼Comedy shows like Friends and Golden Girls also slap 👋🏼 I have an eyebrow piercing, 5 tattoos (4 small, 1 big that was for my Nanna) and I definitely want more 😂😅 I have dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, a scar on my back from spinal fusion surgery and I’m pretty proud of it tbh!

I’m sorry for rambling and I hope I didn’t add too much ❤️🥲

🎀 No.9: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone 🎀

tell me a little bit about yourself and i'll give you a rogue pairing a/n: ah peach this is perfect, i already knew lots about you but this was great because i know exactly who i would give you lmao💚 1k milestone info! 🔞minors dni🔞 • kofi • tag: finnie1k

ok so let's break this the fuck down!

first off, i think this particular crane is an absolute beast when it comes to mental health, so not only would he find it absolutely fascinating to be able to work with you, he could also prove to be very valuable in helping you to do some healing... or he might be mean about it, just depends on his mood i guess

i think this jon is probably a fan of classical music, but there's something about the dirty, nasty, loud vibes of punk that would get him going and the general horror/gore emotions that the songs/bands/music tend to evoke would be right up his street. he'd probably tell you how the different movements in "jesus of suburbia" really echo the movements often found in a lot of symphonies, and then request to bang you to it

artistic expression is something he would admire in a partner, or even a close friend. i don't imagine he's very artisitic himself, but he holds a deep appreciation for artwork, especially if it's on the spooky side, and especially if it's related to a beloved horror movie

which, speaking of, he'd the biggest horror movie fan ever? like canonically, the man is a buff, a dork, an obsessive loser over horror movies. having someone to get equally as geeked out over them with would bring him so much joy!!

hello true crime fan, it's probably not great for your anxiety, and he will nag you a little bit about that, but he wouldn't be above creating some reading materials for you if it's been a slow week, if you catch his drift...

he has a great sense of humour, if not slightly weird... but he strikes me as the kind of guy who has lines from shows memorised and who will use them at the worst times, making everything he says even creepier. so a binge refresh would be a perfect couple's activity! that way the next time he has someone held at knife point, teasing them to watch them sweat, he can make "could you be any more scared" the most terrifying reference to chandler bing ever. what an accomplishment!

#finnie1k #did i write too much? is this how you do character pairings!? #finnie writes

[beingdreeyore]

Reflecting today on how much has changed...

Today has been tough. It feels like a rough day, one of the lowest days, like tears would be acceptable and necessary, but at the same time it looks so different to how these days used to look.

I woke exhausted but also relieved that it was one of my three 'work from home' days left for the year. One or two nights a week the pain in my spine is so bad that I spend the night tossing and turning, endlessly searching for some magical (and fictional) position that will ease it all so I can drift off to sleep. Midnight passes in a flash. 3am becomes 4am. The traffic starts outside. Then it's 5am. Suddenly the song that plays at sunrise on my speakers is gently floating through my tiny apartment and it's time to get up, regardless of how sleepless the night was.

Thursdays I do a walk though. Not the longest walk, but a decent walk before the day starts. Otherwise I might spend the entire day in the safety of the apartment and never hit a single heartbeat over 100 in a minute. It's tempting to be that person. I struggled the whole way with lumbar discomfort and a heaviness in my legs but reassured by the physio yesterday that what is happening is not doing damage, it's rebuilding.

Once home, I did a practice multiple choice exam. I passed but it wasn't the mark that I'd set in my mind. I know on exam day I have to factor in what will likely be a sleepless night the night before and also performance anxiety. It wasn't high enough to make me feel safe if both those things occur, but I still passed. Two months ago I failed in the most spectacular fashion and I thought I'd never get to this stage - I'm passing each and every practice run. It was a sleepless night and I want to sit down and sob, and yet I was still able to pass.

There's a bottle of wine in the fridge and as the urge to cry hit me at regular intervals, I thought about it. But I went back to my questions and my emails. Finalised my reports. Attempted some dancing on my lunch break. The alcohol is still unopened. Would it have been three months ago?

Dancing was a mess. It's only one move that's breaking me but the whole routine relies on it. It occurs in the first 15 seconds and then at regular intervals afterwards. After 35 minutes of not making it past the 16th second, I gave up. It beat me today. I wanted to cry again, but didn't. I wanted to binge eat, but didn't. I stuck to my nutrition plan. I made an appointment with the clinical psychologist I haven't seen in six months, just in case these symptoms linger. And all the while I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I didn't drink or eat or give up. The sadness comes too but the work still gets done.

The thing about this atypical depression is that it kicks my butt. It kicks my butt, it makes me fat, it takes my sleep, and it slows me down to a stage where I come home from work each day exhausted. But where the wins are though is that when I reflected on my goals for the month and my goals from last month, I'd met them all. Well, all except the weight loss.

The reduced drinking. The sticking to the nutrition plan. The exercise as dictated by the physio. The daily study. The meal prep. All those things I told myself I had to do to get through this, I did them. It didn't look like that the last time I was in this place. The last time it looked very much like I was drowning. I can usually manage a few on certain days, but I don't do all on every day. It hasn't been easy. It's been checklists and reminders and a lot of positive self-talk, as well as self tough love. There's also been inner negotiation and bargaining but it's paid off. Regardless of how low I feel the work is still getting done. How many times did I put these exams off because the lows were too much?

So today is a day of reflecting. It's not perfect. I still slip up. I have so much more work to do. But little things today like hearing my inner voice tell me that I'm not unloveable hit home. Has that inner voice ever told me that? I've told myself on repeat so many times that I'm not asking for too much when I ask for the bare minimum that I suddenly seem to believe it. It feels real and no longer contrived. I know what I want and it's more than being offered. It feels rude and ridiculous that men expect me to settle for far less knowing what they will get in return. When did I start believing that?

So there has been reflection. Its a win on a day like today and I'm taking it as such. I know it won't be perfect and I don't expect that of myself. But I have my checklists and my reminders and I know I will get through this too. Though I only see it when I look back, it's clear now that each time I get a little stronger and I get a little closer to beating this for good. Today I am grateful for finally having that realisation and for learning to love myself enough to be able to even get to this place.

[amysnotdeadyet]

2023 in review

Just the fannish creations, thanks. I don't want to think too hard about how fucking weird and stressful the year was outside of that. XD

I found some old 00Q art hiding on my hard drive and posted it in Feb.

I wrote a short Inception ficlet for @ladyprydian in April to try to jumpstart my muses. It didn't work.

I binge-wrote a whole-ass Sandman fic with (gasp!) fade-to-black porn in it in May.

July brought the Stony games! I was much less prolific than last year, but I managed a few things, starting with 3 little drabbles about perception.

I did a giftfic for the games! It starts in media res and I, being a troll, titled it In Pornia Res because yeah, this one's just pure porn against a background of worldbuilding.

I posted a longstanding WIP that was 100% self-indulgent trash, with Tony and Steve getting Bucky as their new sugar baby and treating him them right. Absolutely just the fluffiest of trash, but 66K of it!

I posted another longstanding WIP that's really pre-slash (I KNOW so weird) but involves catboy Tony, catboy Bucky, and a puppy Steve who's gonna get both (after the fic anyway).

My last little Stony Games fill was 8-bit pixel porn, because of course it was.

Later in August I did the "write what you want to see" thing and banged out (heh) a very kinky Stranger Things fic with Steve/Eddie and a leather bar. Somehow, it's still extremely fluffy.

I drew! Fanart! With pens and shit! Also Steve/Eddie.

And then I made pixel art of them, because why not.

Another Steddie fic, this time a modern AU with 'lost touch' feelings and also banging the rockstar in his hotel room.

And finally, my MTH2021 fic is posting a year late, and will continue on into the new year. It's all done and edited, I just like the daily posting method for getting drip-fed dopamine and also sitting there posting 29 chapters at once is no bueno.

You can find all of this stuff here, so I'm not link-stuffing the post: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swtalmnd/works

What's Coming in 2024 (besides my blorbos)

I have a few more Stuckony WIPs waiting in the wings, including my MTH 2022 fic, which I hope to finish in time to actually participate in 2024.

I have at least 1 novel coming out and maybe 2? I didn't publish ANY original fiction last year (gah), but I finished 1 draft (the sequel to Hive) and am plodding along on 2 more (Julian 4 and something new). I am so slow these days, tho, gah. I have no idea how some people put out multiple books a year, year after year.

I've got a few more Eeveeon arts to share, which I always forget to do on Tumbls.

I might actually open commissions next year (for art, I don't enjoy fic commissions).

I'm gonna a Stuckony Valentine thing, so you'll get at least one short fic from me in Feb.

I'm hoping something new will sweep me into its fandomy arms, because while I do love my current blorbos (MCU & Stranger Things), neither one is really doing the full fixation dance in my brain and that's sad. OTOH I'd like to finish my MCU WIPs before that spark fully dies ahahaha haha ha.

As far as art goes, I'm keeping up my Patreon sketch cards and not a ton else, but my new-new meds are helping me Get Shit Done, so I'm really hoping that I can get back into larger-than-a-playing-card artwork, both fannish and non.

I'm still gonna do more of my 8-bit bullshit, though.

#2023 in review #my post #my art #2023 will have been a thing i lived through that's for sure

[homo-ousios]

Watch list tag game!

Tagged by @benkaaoi <3

I have a discord server for organizing my life, and one channel on there is exclusively dedicated to keeping track of shows. If I were this organized about my research, the book would be published already. Oh well.

☼ Currently Watching (Binging)

Previous seasons of Take Guy Out Thailand (yt). Not only is it gay and stupid and a great way to listen to unscripted colloquial Thai, but Lek Davika is one of the podium leaders <3 Downside is almost no subtitles, but it'll really bootcamp your listening skills.

Merry Queer (gaga). After His Man finished airing last week, I went looking for other gay reality shows and found this. Obviously it's meant mostly to educate straight viewers, so it's very gender theory 101 and all, but you do get to learn a decent amount about queer history and culture in South Korea, which I found interesting. Plus, the stories are incredibly sweet.

☼ Currently Watching (Airing)

180 Degrees Longitude (gaga). This is excellent. I'm worried about how it will end because it's serious gay media, so it might be tragic. It's not protected by the bl/romcom genre conventions. I hate sad endings, so prayer circle for this one.

Minato's Laundromat (gaga). I hate age-gap romances, but this is done pretty considerately. It's a sweet, slow-paced, slice-of-life drama, and to me it's worth watching for Japanese practice.

In a similar vein, Takara to Amagi (gaga). Again, it uses a lot of tropes that I hate (infantilized uke, oh no sex is terrifying/so sorry for having a libido, we would rather die than communicate clearly, etc.). But Japan produces relatively little bl, and it's always short, so I just watch it anyway. I need listening practice and I refuse to watch anything hetero. They need to put out a second season of Rea(L)ove, with more queers this time.

Returning to Thailand, The Eclipse (yt). I like it well enough so far. It's weird to try to see First as a high school student after Not Me, but he's a delight to watch regardless. I like that GMMTV is producing this subgenre of queer-directed anti-establishment bl. Very cash money of them.

Vice Versa (yt). I'm trying y'all, but I just don't like this one very much. It's much more in GMMTV's normal mode: cute but sexless, and without much of substance to say. Which is fine obviously, romcoms don't need to say anything. Make as much gay cotton candy as you want. So long as someone else is making KinnPorsche, Not Me, and the Pornographer, I'll be happy.

Love in the Air (yt). I've actually only watched 1 ep of this, but I'll catch up eventually. I know everyone clutches their pearls about how problematic MAME's stuff is, but I've honestly never thought it was as bad as all that, and at least it's not boring.

☼ Rewatching:

I'm not rewatching anything at the moment. It's been a few weeks, so I might take KinnPorsche for another spin. I've also been thinking about rewatching Bad Buddy, just to try and figure out what everyone's so into. I mean I enjoyed the show when it aired, but to me it was just more GMMTV normie fluff. Perfectly nice, but forgettable. People are still posting about it though, so maybe I should give it another chance?

☼ Looking forward to

Be On Cloud's new movie. I have watched that trailer 900 times and I will watch it again.

The announcement of KinnPorsche season 2. Come on, Be On Cloud, I know you got me. Don't leave me hanging.

The Cherry Magic movie. Speaking of cute and sexless fluff. Whatever though, Kurodachi can give me diabetes for all I care. I just wanna see them live happily ever after.

GAP the series. Woahhh, lesbians.

Tagging: @liyazaki @nerasvalhalla @decaffeinatedmate @snake-and-mouse @bwatchesdramas @rythyme @bitacrytic @scarefox i mean literally whoever feels like it, i will read and like your post

#thai bl #japanese bl #kinnporsche #cherry magic #tag game #bl posting

[killerandhealerqueen]

zinc white; cadmium yellow; yellow ochre; titans; shakhnazaryan red; cadmium red; rose; cobalt blue spectral; green; emerald green; mars brown; sepia; payne’s gray; 💜

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

I'm feeling a mixture of tired (because cold weather makes me sleepy), excited (because I'm working on a new WIP and I like where it's going, even though I have no idea where it's going or how I'm going to get to the already planned out ending), and a little anxious (because I want my research proposal to be approved so that I can write the topic I want to write about)

cadmium yellow; when you think of the word “happy” what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Them. They make me really happy

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

He's a youtube artist, The Stupendium, and he makes videogame based songs. He writes some pretty damn good bangers. I think I've listened to his song Open the Sky on repeat for the past few days

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

Relaxing evenings

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

I wouldn't say I'm binging it, but I'm currently watching Strange Tales of Tang Dynasty, One Dollar Lawyer, and Bad Prosecutor and I'm really enjoying all of them

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

Uh...no, not really. At least I don't think so...I don't know, I haven't really thought about it

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

I'm doing really well in my master's program right now, so I'm pretty fucking pumped about that

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

Kauai. Out of all the Hawaiian islands, Kauai was my favorite. Oahu is nice but it's my home island and I've seen pretty much every part of that island

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

China, Japan, and idk the last place. And no, I don't. I'm a broke child

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

I speak really shitty Chinese. Like, I know the fucking basics and a few phrases but other than that, eh...my Chinese is 不好. I also know some phrases in Japanese, Korean, and Spanish but I remember more Chinese than I do Spanish, but that might be because I spend more time watching Chinese dramas and listening to Chinese music. I honestly just want to improve my Chinese considering how much time I spend watching dramas and listening to music

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

The first Men in Black. It's a comfort movie of mine. Or Mulan

sepia; name five things that always make you happy

My tumblr mutuals

My family

My writing

Killer and Healer

My best friend

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

Uh...idk. I'd say it's like a mixture of Chen Yuzhi and Jiang Yuelou? Like, soft but edgy? I don't know how to describe my aesthetic since I don't really think about it whenever I'm dressing up or doing my makeup

watercolor asks | send me asks

#sass answers #tea edition #watercolor asks

[speakmindfully]

Dichotomy

I've had a lot of time to think lately, and I've been trying to use it well. Remember how you or somewhere online there was a quote about if you don't make space to slow down your body will choose a day for you? Welp, it finally happened. A classic Christmas klutz move. Fell down an entire flight of stairs with Christmas decorations in hand and broke my foot to smithereens. I've been a housebound cripple off of work and paramedic duties for the upcoming weeks and it's been a nice guilt-free way of slowing my roll. I've come to peace with certain things I'd tried to bury because I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to face them. I've started making candles with crystals and dried flowers, writing in a reflective "burn when you finish" book, and trying to enjoy my typical self care. I've re-organized my room and re-potted a few plants, and definitely taken more naps than I care to admit.

I'm really trying to re-connect to my inner self, which, in fact, definitely is the little witchy woodland fairy that's always been hiding out. I've come to terms with enjoying my own company and not relying on others or a job to make me feel whole. I've always lived by the seat of my pants and been somewhat preoccupied with being "liked by everyone". I've always taken pride in being nice and sweet to everyone but I've also come to realize that it's okay to be a little mean; To limit people's access to you for your own peace, self-respect, and that you don't have to attempt to solve everyone's problems. Sometimes my niceness combined with my imposter syndrome has made me look naive or easy to bulldoze in the workplace and in life. I'm trying to work on strengthening my inner power and strengths and hang onto that to catapult me into a mindset of abundance rather than a mindset of deficit.

I've found through this injury, as silly as it sounds, but embracing princess tendencies and not feeling guilty about it is nice. My roommate will bring me coffee or dinner when I couldn't walk, and my parents would pick me up for things so I wouldn't have to drive, or people would hold doors and offer to get things for me and i'd let them. Normally I'm a "it's okay I got it" person, but when you physically can't, it's much harder to deny the help. I started realizing through that, that it's okay to allow people to do things for you, what do you have to prove? That you CAN do it? Why? If someone is offering to help you, it's okay to collaborate. I offer help for things all the time, but I think part of that was out of fear of seeming spoiled or useless.

I'm still exploring my natural avoidance to accepting help, but I think it has something to do with proving that I'm capable, or proving that I'm independent. But people gravitate towards kindness and I'm so much more than my career/accomplishments. I've centered most of my life around work, so now that I'm unable to work for a bit, I've been forced to think "well what do I have to offer now?" and it's made me start re-defining my relationship with my career and work. I'm so much more than that. I think 2024 will be focused on sharpening my internal reflection and self-actualization skills, and focusing on things that make me happy.

I might finally get my medical tattoo this year after I pass my boards, but I've grown less attached to the idea of getting it now that I'm trying not to view work as a badge I flash to prove I can do something. Part of being an adult is talking about work most of the time, but when you're with your closest friends, how often do you all REALLY talk about work (unless you're besties with your co-workers?) Not a ton right? You bond over fun hobbies, dumb internet memes, TV shows you've binged, books you read, places you want to travel, and MAYBE occasionally share some fun work stories. Don't get me wrong I LOVE to talk shop because I adore what I do, but it's not everything. I don't want to be a work robot who doesn't get to enjoy life. I want to be a bad-ass Sterling Rescue Paramedic, and ED tech who can handle the grit of the field but at home is a soft, dainty wilderness flower child who you'd never picture has any kind of bad-ass-ness to her. I want to embrace the dichotomy of essentially being two entirely different people. Work me vs home me. Two people I'm extremely proud of and privileged to know and become, but not one-dimensional.

I'm going to enjoy my upcoming weeks as a sleepy housecat for now.

[jaeminscoffee]

Let me in. (m.)

Pairing- Lee Donghyuck x reader

Genre- Fluff, Smut, tiny bit of angst..?

Word count- 6.03k (ily I'm sorry oof)

Warning- sexual themes suggested, written horribly, slight corruption kink, bestfriend!haechan, slight possessiveness , fingering, praise kink, friends to lovers trope, cliché af. Also definitely not proof read.

Summary- When you let him in, paradise unfolded is an understatement.

(literally the first time i wrote based of a song and it was a really challenging but! fun experience so thank you for requesting this! This also gave me an idea of closing off my previous prompt as starting a song prompt..? )

➳ listen to Ooh La La La by Exo.

When i turn my head

My eyes meet yours

Once again I'm staring at you

That smile is a bit too much for me

It's hard being friends with a girl, so beautiful, so generous and giving and still not having her all for yourself. Or so was how Haechan felt. 

You were so close to him, yet so far. You always looked out for him as though he was your top priority, and that boosted his ego. You were his, to an extent. It's when Haechan thought it'd be the best to have you come over to the party his frat's throwing, wanting you to loosen up a little, he couldn't hold himself back. 

After the last bell to class rang, Haechan immediately started packing his bag, remembering Mark, his other half as you exclaimed had warned him not to be even a second late, saying something along the lines of 'apparently Johnny won't DJ for us unless we actually give him something materialistic' or something.

You watch with a wide smile, your best friend frantically reaching out under his desk to get out all books only to shove them carelessly into his bag, 

"Calm down, Hyuck. You still have 2 hours to reach there and the frat house' barely half an hour away" Haechan let out a curse having dropped around 3 of his books alongside that one pen he carries around, he turned towards you with his eyebrows furrowed.

Seeing you smile wide at him, laughing even at his misery weirdly had his heart skipping beats. It was a normality now to him. It wouldn't take a genius to guess he's whipped for you, everyone, other than you apparently knew about that. 

Filled with an ease leaving me to burn

I can't breathe when i see your eye smile 

It's like you know that's your charm

"Hey don't smile at me like that! What type of a friend are you even?" Haechan exclaimed dramatically, completely ignoring how his heart had started beating just a little faster, breathing growing just a little frantic, face heating up just a little. 

"What?? I'm not supposed to smile now?" you ask with the same exaggeration, lifting your hands up to hit him softly when he got a hold of your hand, pulling you in for a hug,

"Don't ditch me at the party, I'll be waiting, love you bye!" he said it all in one breath, patting your back, placing a peck on your forehead before leaning down and picking up his  bag before dashing out of the door. 

You stood there still, bringing your palms up to your cheeks to calm the heat down. 

It's the thoughts or prejudice that you had that friends are supposed to stay friends that had you constraining your feelings for the lad. You'd be an idiot to have a whole package of what a good, ideal man is supposed to be like right beside you but still not fall for him. That's impossible even, worse than mission impossible.

"Love you too.." you say out low, mostly to yourself as you give yourself a second to calm down before moving forward to pack your own things up, leaving the classroom as soon as you're done to go set things up before the 'party' tonight. 

It didn't take long for you to decide what to wear. Simple, a skirt and a blouse. They were your usual fit anyway and you didn't like all those jazzy, flashing, revealing clothes people usually wear to parties. A pleated white skirt that fell mid thigh, a black and white striped long sleeve turtleneck shirt which you paired with a silver butterfly pendant, ending it with  black suede boots. 

 Sandra, your neighbor ergo a close acquaintance of yours, offered you a ride to the venue, having her boyfriend DJ there. She informed you how she'd be one of the ones to serve the drinks, adorning a shocked expression when you told her you don't drink. 

"Friend's with Lee Haechan yet you don't drink? No way" the elder exclaimed, you let out a laugh, remembering the last time the said boy had forced a drink down your throat, an action he regrets till date. "He might be a heavy drinker, i think the max i can handle is either a glass of wine or a bottle of breezer, nothing more and nothing less" 

You arrive at the frat house relatively faster than usual, thanks to Sandra's amazing driving skills, but you were immediately abandoned as she spotted her boyfriend, Johnny, in the yet to fill room. No doubts you had arrived early as the boys that you recognize as Felix, Han, Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno, Yangyang, Mark, San, and three others you didn't know quite well off, were arranging the red party cups and bottles on the kitchen counter. 

You scan your eyes all around the room to locate your possible crush, well, best friend in the crowd. Eyes landing at the figure leaning against the wall towards the stairs as he spoke to Hyunjin, a white tee tucked into his usual black knee slit skinny jeans topped with a blue checkered oversized t-shirt which was left unbuttoned made him look absolutely breathtaking. Not to mention, his hair was gelled back, with only a few strands let loose to hover over his forehead. Godly. The only word that could describe him. 

Maybe you might've stood there looking at him for way too long, potentially drooling even because he should've felt your intense gaze upon himself, as he turned his head away from the long haired boy, looking all over the place mimicking your actions from before to spot the gaze, landing upon you. 

Haechan physically shudders, how could one look that flawless? He pats his friend on the shoulder, making his way around him with slow strides towards you. It's hard to keep his feelings intact when you look like that, that ethereal, and his hands to himself. That's a catch. He loved seeing you in your plaid skirts. But he hated that it's not just him who gets to see you like that. Haechan wanted you to dress up for him. Look pretty for him. Be pure for him. Be his. And maybe, just maybe, tonight he'd have enough courage to ask you out. 

Your eyes are whispering to me

It's like they're asking me to approach. 

Intoxicated by his looks, being able to see no one but him, you make your way towards him too, replacing the fangirling face with a smile that he adored oh so much. 

"Hyuck! Hey!" you walk faster stepping out of your daze, pulling him into a hug, before hitting his shoulders slightly, "Next time, learn to pick up your phone" you exclaim, pulling away not too far, having his hands rest on top of your hips as you look into his eyes. Haechan mumbled something incoherent under his breath, shaking his head subtly. "sorry sorry, my phone was in the other room and pretty sure you called me when we were checking the music systems" 

"you're lucky Sandra lives like, right next door. I was actually planning on ditching the party and just binge watch the office" you playfully nag at him, hitting his shoulder this time. You push yourself away from him, involuntarily, wanting to cherish his warmth a little longer, but that'd be sketchy.

"Anyways! How do I look?" you wriggle your eyebrows before doing a twirl, which had your skirt slightly lift up a bit, Haechan visibly gulps, stopping you with your hand, "ugly as usual" he said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. Seeing your face dim down a bit, he lets out a chuckle, "do you really need me to tell you that you're beautiful, doll?" he pulled you in again, lifting his head up when he heard sounds of gagging, a sign of disgust from somewhere around the pair of you. 

" 'do you really need me to tell you that you're beautiful, doll?' oh cut it out you filth." exclaimed a voice in a distorted manner behind you. You turn around to face a senior of yours, a close friend. "Mark!" you extend your hand out to do your infamous handshake, that lasts at least for over 15 seconds that had Haechan roll his eyes. 

"says the filthiest himself" he let out, making you snort in a not so attractive way. "Hey, at least i'm not the one flirting with my best friend here" Mark pointed out, fingers wrapped around the party cup with god knows what drink. "you flirt with anything breathing" you add, laughing as he sends a wink your way. 

"You look stunning, Y/n" "Now who's flirting huh?" Haechan said, suddenly all up his guard. "woaw, not flirting because someone would whoop my ass later, but stating facts is all i did" Mark smirked, turning back as someone screamed out his name, "well I'll catch up later, gotta blast! Byeee!" he let out hurriedly, making his way towards the back of the house.

"I'll go get us some drinks, cranberry? Or lemon?" he asked, knowing the obvious answer. "Cranberry, duh" you reply with sass to which he let out a loud laugh. 

"You got it"

Maybe you believed that it's time you break your own limits, or maybe you just wanted to seem cool to Donghyuck. Whatever the reason was had you drink more than what your tolerance allowed you to. You felt euphoric and sick at the same time. You weren't completely gone just yet, you were still sober, surprisingly. The actual surprise is that Haechan, the usually 'I'll end all drinkers carrier' type of guy, stopped at just a bottle of beer. 

Reaching out to the glass Renjun held out towards you as an offer, you felt your hands being swatted away, making you flinch slightly. 

"That's enough drinks for her tonight" he said, shoving his friends hand away slightly as you whined. "i can handle a drink more" you reply, reaching out again, "no you can't, and no you won't" he insisted, raising his eyebrows at you in a challenging way, wanting to see if you'll oppose him. 

It might've been the intoxicating liquid in your system at the moment, but staring back at Haechan had the bottom of your stomach churning. You look away with the same speed you initiated the eye contact with. 

"You're not my dad.." you mumble, puckering your lips into a small pout as you hear his friends laugh at your slight quarrel. 

"but i am your boy- best friend. And for a fact, i know you'll fall unconscious if you take another drink" Jaemin starts hooting slowly at Haechan's slight slip up.

"Tsk, whatever" you reply, rebelling against him and taking the bottle out of Renjun's hand as he stared at you, amusement clearly evident on his face. 

"Feisty. I like how you don't listen to hyuck, maybe we should be best friends" he let out, holding out his fist to fist bump yours, which you do, sticking your tongue out at your best friend. 

"Okay! Let's play, put a finger down if you have!" Yangyang suggested, eyes scanning all your faces to see if anyone's not feeling the game today. Seeing everyone do nothing but nod, he starts dictating, asking them to put up five fingers. The first person to lose out apparently has to either take shots or confess their deepest secrets. 

The first rounds went well, easy questions which made you feel bored, slight headache striking in, making you rest your head on Haechan's shoulder. Sensing weight on his shoulder, he turned his head towards the side, looking at you with concern, a glint of 'I told you' shining through the orbs. 

"tell me off later, my head hurts real bad" you mumble, soft enough for only him to hear before he could nag at you. Saying nothing else other than shifting closer to you for you to get comfortable he said, "Just sleep, I'll take you home".

The moment you close your eyes after his words, you hear Jeno blurt out the next question, it being his turn to do so. 

"put a finger down if you've ever been head over heels for your best friend", His other friends chuckle, while Jeno smirked at Haechan, too tired to open your eyes to see who put a finger down, you fail to notice Haechan put a finger down, looking down at you all worn out on his shoulder, his circle feigning disgust. 

The game was probably long done, the party might've also ended, you must've fallen asleep because the next time you open your eyes, you find yourself in your best friend's bedroom, still feeling tired. Looking outside the window, seeing it's still dark outside, you turn to the side, flinching just a bit when you find Haechan at the side of the bed, arms folded over the sheets as he rests his head on top of it. It must've been uncomfortable kneeling on the floor for that long. 

You take the chance to look at him properly, well, better than the past god knows how many years into your friendship. You take your time to roam your eyes all over his facials. Gawking at the moles adorning his tanned skin, lifting your fingers up to feather over them. Your hands then move to the scars at each corner of his eyebrows, chuckling as you remember how he got them. 

You brush his dishevelled hair out of his face, the action making Haechan stir in his slumber which had you stop your moments completely. Running your fingers through his hair one last time, about to pull your hands away from him to not wake him up you feel his hands grip your wrist, holding it in place. 

You yelp, not expecting him to be awake, "why did you stop? I was about to fall asleep" he whines out, getting up from the floor, standing to his full height which makes you shift, leaning your back against the headboard to look at him more comfortably. 

"Did you carry me up here?" you asked, voice a little hoarse as the alcohols after effects had your throat burn. "Nope, you just zapped here. Of course I carried you" he replied, masking his flustered look at how you looked, face glowing, eyes hazed and on bed. His bed. 

"Does it hurt for you to reply normally for once..?" you open your eyes a little wider in genuine curiosity 

Oh la la la, please allow me 

Oh la la la, into your imagination 

I'll go right in, so let me in

I'll dance in your eyes 

Oh la la la, the moment our gazes meet. 

Replying is hard, keeping his eyes away from your lips is hard, to stop himself from slowly leaning forward was hard too. You're killing him. The alcohol in his system did nothing more than fuel his desires for you.

It's weird, how one moment, you're whining at your best friend being a sarcastic hoe to how your breath gets caught in your lungs the next moment at the sight of your crush leaning closer to you. 

It's weird how all those thoughts of, 'friends should stay friends' were thrown right out of the window when he was now, just inches away from you, noses grazing each other.

The proximity was that where you could feel his breath fanning your lips. Now that's weird too, weren't you just having a normal conversation? 

Haechan snaps out of it, you're probably drunk. He pulls away just as you close your eyes, ready to bask in the feeling of his lips against yours. 

"I can't.. You'll forget all this by tomorrow, I'll wake you up before class, have some rest." He said, avoiding eye contact as you felt a pang of disappointment hit you. 

That night, all Haechan could think of was your slightly parted lips, eyes fixated on your lips and your slow, shallow, small breath. 

You've never felt awkward around Haechan, neither do you want to feel awkward around him, but each time you see him, all you're reminded of is how close you were to change your friendship into something else. 

On the other hand, Haechan wanted to hit himself for cowering out once again. He was so close to finally making you his. But now all he's left with is a sexual tension so thick that could be cut by a knife. He wanted you. He craved you.

It only started working him up more the day you called him over to your studio apartment for a movie night, ignoring all past events over the week. Them being, Haechan becoming a much touchy friend. He's always been a physical affection shower either ways. 

Haechan complied, arriving at your place with a large bag of Doritos. Greeting you with a huge smile, ignoring the fast beating of his heart when you reciprocate the same expression. 

"Heyyy! Missed me? I know! I missed me too" Haechan said, making his way around you quickly to hide the crimson that took place on his cheeks, not wanting you to see it. 

"I did" you say quietly, closing the door as Haechan made himself comfortable on your couch, having set the chip packet in the kitchen counter. 

He mentally took a note of your outfit, plain black shorts that were a little too short for the sake of his heart not falling right out, and a white shirt, a crop top, to be precise.

"It's your turn to choose the movie" you say, making your way towards the other side of the couch. "Monsters inc?" he answers as you whine, having already regret the choice of giving him the liberty. 

"Hyuck we watched that movie about like, 5 times, when will you get over it?" you ask

"Never so stop whining and watch the movie with me." he replied with the sass you were oh so familiar with, making you roll your eyes. 

Ah, it's going to be a long night. 

You were lost in your own thoughts, not paying attention to the movie much as you remember the night at the frat house. It's impossible to get Lee Haechan out of your mind. It's impossible because you know he has his eyes on you right now. Looking at you, oblivious to the fact that you knew of his gaze. 

"Hyuck.. " you call him out, turning to face him from your side of the couch. Haechan looks away momentarily, flustered as you caught him stare at you. He hums in response, keeping his eyes fixed on the screen. 

"About that night in your room" you start, turning completely, your body facing him as you sit criss cross. Haechan visibly tenses up, thinking you're about to tell him off for crossing the line, "Y/n, about that, i'm- i'm sor-"

"Do you like me?"

Right now, in this moment, the space between us

Is filled with this strong trembling 

Becoming a rhythm and drawing me in

Let your body move to it however you'd like. 

Haechan was caught off guard by your question, blinking, once, twice, even shaking his head to see if he's imagining things, "Huh?" he asked just for confirmation. 

"Do you like me..?" you repeated, slower, heart racing in anticipation as you lean forward a bit, waiting for his reply.

"What are you going to do if I say.. Yes?" he asked, eyebrows raised as he leaned forward a little too. You had the strong urge to want to lean back from the proximity, feeling blood rush up to your cheeks but you stood your ground, wanting to do this right here. Right now. 

"Then I'll continue what we almost started" you exclaim, the smile he loves so much finding its way onto your face.

"Will you? Really?" he asked, scooting closer to you, something about his eyes switching gazes when you lean further, making your shirt come down a bit. You nod, that's when he pulls you forward by your arms, making you let out a sound of surprise as you crash onto his side, looking at him with your eyes widened. 

"Then yes." he whispered after leaning close to your ears, you feel yourself growing hot each passing second. The position is extremely intimate. You pull away to look into his eyes, to spot any signs of all this being nothing more than just a joke. You lose it when he looks at you with a strong gaze, eyebrows slightly raised, lips drawn into a small smile, immediately pressing yours onto his after staring it for way too long.

His hands found their way around your waist, tugging at you slowly, gesturing you to get onto his lap. 

An odd smile that doesn't let on

Seeing through the curiosity driving me on

And sending a sign

You oblige, as your lips move in unison, Haechan shifted in his seat to a better position, man spreading to let you sit better on his lap all while still not letting go of your lips. 

His hands find their way under your crop top, letting his arms wander the bare skin of your back, his cold touch in contrast to your warm body making you gasp. Haechan takes the opportunity of your parted lips to enter your mouth, tongue pressing against yours making you whine. 

You pull away only when you feel your lungs practically begging for a puff of air even, tugging softly at his slightly grown hair, letting out an airy giggle at the sight of your lip color smeared at the corner of his lips. 

"That was way better than all I've imagined it to be" Haechan smiled at you, pressing his forehead against yours, pulling you closer by the hips. You look away from his gaze, "you've imagined kissing me?" you ask softly, playing with the charm hanging off his neck.

"way too many times to keep a count" he replied, placing another peck on your lips, pulling away immediately, laughing as you subconsciously follow his lips. 

He finally let's you press onto his lips once again, groaning as your teeth clash from how fast you were at finding his lips. You whimper when his hands squeeze at your sides.

You jerk forward, testing the waters as you move your lips from his lips, to his neck, peppering the skin with kisses, giving extra attention to those moles you adored that were scrawled all over his skin, occasionally nibbling at the spot you left a wet trail at. 

It's like you're telling me to open the door

To your slightly open heart and come right in

Please allow me 

Into your imagination 

I'll go right in, so let me in

I'll dance in your eyes

The moment our gazes meet. 

He sighs in content  at the feeling of your plush lips pressed against his skin, "I won't be able to control myself if you keep going, doll" you continue your ministration.  Then don't" you say, trying to sound as sultry as possible. Having waited so long to have Donghyuck as more than just friends had you desperate for any sort of contact from his side. 

You could sense his slight hesitation, maybe he didn't want to rush things, maybe he just couldn't get himself to do it, or maybe, he was just nervous.  

Should I really try making a move now? 

What should be the first thing I say? 

The moment I hesitate, thinking it over

You get up and walk away. 

You stand up, from his lap, looking at his eyes, nodding so softly that he'd miss it if he'd blink as you make your way towards your bedroom, smiling. You tug at your shirt, slowly, above your head, not daring to turn to look back at Donghyuck's reaction, a triumphant look washing over your facial as you hear him growl with that honey voice of his. 

He must've stared at your back a little too long, seeing your hair cover the top half of your torso as you turned towards your bedroom, looking at him one last time before entering the room which was illuminated with just your fairy lights. 

Even as I look at your bold back from far away

Your slow pace is telling me to follow

Girl just tell me what you like

It's like you're telling me to hurry

"she'll be the death of me.. " he ruffled his hair, before getting up to walk down the same pathway as you. 

Walking into your bedroom, Haechan was more than sure that the sight before him was the most ethereal sight he'd seen his entire life. 

You sat by the foot of the bed, adorned in only your black lace bra, the black shorts, and your hair left open in all glory. He swallows the lump forming in his throat, mood switching so fast because the boy you walked away from, Lee Haechan, the one hesitant to take it this far, was now replaced with the Lee Haechan, walking towards you with long, confident strides. 

As he comes to stand in front of you, he bends down, snaking one of his arms around your waist, pulling you up and close to his body. 

"tell me, have you been dreaming about me just the way I've dreamt about you?" he leans closer to the nape of your neck, running the tip of his nose along the unexpectedly sensitive skin up to your ears, nibbling at the earlobe. 

"Have you waited for all this just as much as i have? Tell me, princess" he rasps out as you place your hands gently by the belt loop of his jeans. 

Please allow me

Into your reality 

Not trusting your voice, you nod, wanting to feel his lips against yours once again but Haechan held onto you with a firm grip, 

"Tell me, baby. Words, those are the keys. Use your words" He moved from nibbling onto your earlobe to marking territory onto your skin that had you jerking forward, further into his body. 

I'll approach you, so hold onto me

Tell me that you were waiting

The moment i reached you

You huff out, opening your mouth the exact moment he took hold of your chin with a gentle grip, looking at your orbs with so much expectation, so much adoration, so much love, so much lust. 

"I've waited a long time too." you start 

"I waited for so long; the day in your room, during that night, I was so happy when you approached me, but then you pulled away. You made me wait enough Hyuck, please let me feel you now? I want you. No. I need you" 

You didn't pay attention to his heaving chest, or how his eyes were turning into a whole darker shade of ebony, instead, stood on your tip toe and engulfed his slightly puffy lips with yours. 

Haechan didn't deny the kiss, dying to take you quick there itself when the first sentence left your lip, but he wanted to take it slow, he wanted to show you how much he's waited for this too. How much he likes you and he wanted to make sure you felt it from each action of his. 

He urged you to move backwards, closer towards the edge of the bed, not breaking the kiss even for a second, his hands securing around your waist as he slowly bends down to place you on the quilt. 

His hands make their way back, fiddling with the hook of your bra as he breaks the kiss with one last peck at the corner of your lips. "i need you too, doll. I need you just as much as you need me, maybe even twice as much" he mumbles against the soft skin of your collarbone, tapping at your back with the tip of his finger once he had the hooks undone to pull the material away from your body. 

Shyness suddenly overpowers all lust, you bring up an arm to cover your now exposed breast while Haechan is busy throwing your clothing behind him. 

Turning around, facing you, he smiles at you, gently prying your hand away from your chest leaving your torso bare naked in front of him which had you shut your eyes with embarrassment. 

"Look at me, baby." Donghyuck urges you. 

You give yourself a second, inhaling sharp as you flutter your eyes open, looking straight into his eyes. "You have no reason to hide yourself from me" he pulls away after placing a peck in the valley of your chest. He tugs at the edge of his hoodie, pulling it over his head before discarding it behind.

"Here. Now we both are half naked" he smiles at you as you mirror his expression. 

Donghyuck wasn't all that built, he wasn't not built either. Ever since Renjun started forcefully dragging Haechan to the gym, he'd lost that baby stomach that you loved to poke at during class just to annoy him, now replaced with very faint ab lines which, you were sure you'd grow a liking for pretty soon.

You whimper at the feeling of his lips graze over hardened nipples, jolting forward when he lifts hands from above your hips to your neck where he'd previously left his mark, tracing the reddish purple/brownish skin. 

He latches his lips onto one nib, swirling his tongue around the hardened muscle, his free hand making its way south, waiting for any signs of protest before dragging the short down, shifting his attention over to the untended nipple. 

"beautiful.. " he mumbles against your wet nipple, blowing onto it later, all sensation making you feel ecstatic.

"Hyuck, I need-..need you" you choke out.

"I know, princess. But we need to prepare you a little, hm?" he lets out, voice a few octaves deeper than usual, as he finally tugs your panties down your leg, letting it slide itself onto the floor.

Haechan looks at you, expression blissful from all the attention you're getting. You quickly nod, looking at him giving him a hundred percent access to do you however he likes when you notice his eyes silently ask for consent. 

He feathers his thumb over your clit, smiling at how responsive you are to his touches. He slowly starts drawing circles onto the sensitive bud, pressing his lips to the side of your face, whispering sweet nothings into your ears. 

"Haechan!" you whine out, his words only adding to the pleasure. Experimentally, he moves his finger down to your slit, feeling your slick wetness coat his fingers making him let out a throaty sound of satisfaction. 

He did this to you. 

That had his ego boost shoot right up the roof. He let the tip of his middle finger poke at your entrance, cooing at you while pressing it inside of you. "So wet, baby. All for me?" he questions, slowly moving his wrist back and forth.

You nod frantically, "Hm? Words?" he pushes, slightly picking up the speed. 

"All for you, H-haechan. It's.. It's -all for you" you cling onto his forearm, as he coax you closer to your orgasm. "That's right baby, it's all for me" he presses his lips against your cheeks once again.

He adds in another finger when he knows you're close, speeding up even further, curling the digits in you which had your eyes roll back. 

Your orgasm washes over you with so much intensity the moment he engulfs your nipple once again. Slowly helping you ride out your orgasm, only removing his fingers from within you when you started to writhe from overstimulation. 

"You did so well doll, can you take one more?" he asked sweetly as you calmed down. That's when you realized how selfless he'd been, now looking down at the dent on his jeans which looked a little painful. 

You get up after nodding as you watch Haechan unbuckle his belt, removing the jeans along with his boxer, adding it to the pile of clothes behind him, you lean forward, "Your turn" you tell as Haechan's face contorts into confusion. 

Finally realizing what you mean, he smiles at you, pulling you into another loving kiss as he runs a hand down your messed up hair. "Maybe another time? I just want to feel you around me now, princess, i can't wait longer" 

With that, he made you lay back down, "condom?"

"It's fine, I'm on pills" you rub your hand up and down his hands that were beside you, balancing his body above yours. The thought of going raw inside you made Haechan's member twitch. 

He runs his member up and down your wet sex, coating it with your essence before letting the head poke at your entrance as it expands with each inch he enters in, the wetness making it so much easier to enter. 

He lets out a groan that sounded so much like a whine, finally having been able to feel your walls perfectly fit around his shaft. He leans down, now balancing himself on his elbows as you finally give him the go ahead sign. 

He interlocks your lips with his as he slowly starts moving his hips into yours. "You feel so good for me, doll. Fuck." he rasps out against your lips. 

He had to hang onto the last of his rationality to not ram into you, you just felt that good around him, and he felt so good inside of you. 

Haechan slowly picks up the pace, now moving a little faster against your hips as you reduce down to a moaning mess, chains of his name leaving your mouth continuously.

"Hyuck, i..I'm close" you moan out, the little sensitivity you'd left from your previous orgasm slightly striking in. Your moans encouraged Haechan to go faster.

Testing the water, he pull moves back completely to a point where only his tip's inside of you, "Yeah?"  he questioned while slamming back inside of you, making his tip brush against your soft spot which coaxed you closer to your high. 

"Yes-" you whimper, when he finally let go and snapped, desperate to chase his high. The new pace having him constantly hit the pleasure spot. 

You start clenching around his member, not wanting to orgasm before him. "Fuck baby, me too. I'm close too" 

"Haechan im.. I'm coming-" you let out a long loud moan as you feel yourself being thrown towards your edge, face contorting into that of pure bliss, as the constant clenching helped drag him towards his high. 

"Shit, Y/n" he immediately pulled out, feeling his own high wash over his, pumping the wet shaft a few more times before spurting ribbons of his essence all over your lower abdomen. He kept going until he felt himself grow soft in his grip. 

He clashes down beside you once wiping his hands down on the sheets which you most definitely have to wash the next day. 

"Don't fall asleep on me baby, i want to ask you something" Haechan lets out quickly as he finds you blinking slowly, most probably out of exhaustion. 

"I'm not.." you hoarse out. 

"I mean it when i say, i like you, Y/n. Heck, i think I'm in love with you" he starts flipping so that his back was on the sheets with you on top of him. 

"So.. Will you.. Will you be my-"

"Yes!" you reply fast, suddenly having sparks of energy flow through you. 

"you didn't let me complete my question though" he chuckles, pressing a peck onto the crown of your head. 

"Yes. I will be your girlfriend!" you make yourself a little clearer this time around. Girlfriend. His. 

"That.. Means.. You're mine?" he asks, unsure if he should ask so or not. 

You nuzzle further into his chest, tightening your grip around his bare torso. 

"I'm yours"

Now i approach you,

You and I have grown closer.

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[wintermutal]

If it's ok to ask, is your adhd diagnosed? And if it is how come they didn't give u a prescription?

oh man oh man. in short: my psychiatrist says no and i have not been able to get a hold of anyone else who might be able to prescribe meds to me. (long story below the cut)

the long story is that i was diagnosed when i was very little (keep in mind that both my mom and my brother are also diagnosed but are medicated), medicated through elementary school, taken off them for some reason, reperscribed new meds through my family's regular doctor in early high school, and taken off of them by my psychiatrist when i started getting treated for severe OCD. meanwhile i was given a new test when i started CBT for said crippling OCD and it said i DIDNT have adhd, but when when i started improving i clearly DID have adhd and my other horrible mental health problems were just covering it up. the initial reason for taking me off was because i was on incredibly heavy 'downer' medications to ease up the compulsions, and putting me on stimulants would counteract this, but then i did three years of CBT, improved significantly, and then...went to college.

college was wild for me. every time i would see my psych i would ask for medication, and he would say no but i could get a second opinion if i disagreed. i thought his reasoning was sound and just continued fucking struggling. my symptoms got a lot worse. my grades suffered for it, i never followed through on things, and by the end of my four years of school- 7 years off medication- i was so burnt out that i had decided that there was no way in hell i could go to grad school like i originally intended. i had (/have) too many interests that oscillated too often, i was too inconsistent with nearly everything in my life, i was making too many mistakes, my GPA was much lower than i wanted it to be to the point where it barely made the lower threshold for many grad schools, and i had recently taken an extremily demanding 5 credit course where no matter how hard i tried i fell behind my peers because i simply could not remember things. i felt like shit and decided that i would just go to work instead, and i would take an easy job i couldn't possibly screw up with.

so, the job i took is boring and usually simple. my boss micromanages our department- i suspect because he wants to take things out on us. his biggest pet peeve is tiny mistakes that he believes come when you don't try hard enough. amazingly, i still make these incredibly basic mistakes, but im gonna be honest with you, sometimes i seem legitimately mentally slow because my entire job is doing these simple tasks i cant always keep straight and the things im actually good at never come up. im working on so many things outside of work that in theory could help me get to the place i want to be, or do what i love, but they never get finished. in fact, i can barely keep basic things in line.

im bored out of my mind all the time because my job is 90% simple repetitive tasks and theres usually no actual thinking involved, and outside of work i eat when im bored out of my mind, which is now all the time, and even THAT is wild because i cant consistently eat normally either because i get obsessed with one food at a time, so my eating is incredibly disordered now and im even more prone to binging behaviors than i was before. im afraid that if i dont get medicated i am going to be stuck in this hell for the rest of my life unable to finish anything i love and am passionate about, and yes it has a lot to do with self loathing based on all these things i hate most about myself, and honestly yeah, i think i makes me harder to love. like im just like this and i legitimately do not know who could love me while my interests switch every 3 weeks, and when i get excited or even happy im an emotionally immature wreck, and i can barely keep my shit together at the best of times. im trying really hard but its never enough. my grandma, who funded my brother and i's college, doesn't approve and doesn't think my job is good enough and expects me to go to grad school or otherwise do something else 'respectable' to make more money, and meanwhile yeah, my fully medicated brother who has no fucking issues otherwise is going to law school and it took him like 2 weeks to get medication. ive been trying to get an appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and yeah i have no idea how im going to reconcile that with my current medication for OCD, but my OCD gets worse when im bored and guess what, im fucking bored all the time. i havent been able to get a hold of anyone and some people just havent contacted me back at all. fuck this, man.

#vandal.txt #some pretty potent adhd self ableism in here btw. if thats the term idk

[bungou-stray-dingus]

Hello, I'm back! 💕 May I please ask for a serving of soft!dom Ranpo with a smol, shy female s/o scenario please~ and if you don't mind, maybe add a dash of daddy kink? (But if you're not comfortable with that, it's okayyy) THANK YOU ♥️

a/n : OOOOH a little bit of spicy snack boy >.^ SAY NO MORE! ALL MY LATE NIGHT INDULGENCES HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THIS MOMENT! GOsh I hope this is good because I am SWEATING writing this. But Ranpo is a whole snack.

T/W : Slight NSFW, A little Dash of Daddy Kink, Soft!Dom BB BOI, Fluff;

Ranpo

This boy loved how sweet and innocent you were, you were as sweet as the candy that he binge eats. But it wasn't just your sweetness or your innocence, you were also on the shorter side. Honestly, according to him, you were the dictionary definition of the perfect little cinnamon bun, which is what he called you often. Not only were you innocent and sweet, but you were also shy, which he was perfectly okay with. He didn't like talking much, so the two of you found a way to talk with your eyes and different facial expressions. Ranpo had brought you up to the Agency members once, and they (Dazai mainly) had begged him to bring you in, they wanted to meet you, the girl who had managed her way into Ranpo's secluded, snack filled life.

When he had first brought you to the Agency to meet everyone it was a big deal for him and you, he could tell how nervous you were about meeting his coworkers who had in a sense become family to him, but he had reassured you that they would all love you. "Not as much as I love you obviously, but how could they not love you? You're amazing Y/N." His hand way on your thigh, he was always touching you in some way, especially out in public. You were clearly the most beautiful girl in Yokohama, and he wanted everyone to know that you were his and his only. If anyone even looked in your direction he would squeeze your thigh, or his hand would trail down to your ass and give it a light squeeze causing a small squeal to escape your lips, your face dropping as you tried to hide from the strangers gazing eyes.

The train ride was short, when you got off the train Ranpo kept his hand on your lower back, hovering just above where your back curved to your butt. If needed, he could swiftly move his hand down, reaching under your skirt to pinch one cheek, letting any man who's eyes lingered a little longer than necessary know that you were taken by him. He brought you into the Agency building, watching your facial expressions as you took in the coffee shop on the lower level, breathing in through your nose, letting the smell of coffee fill your nostrils. You closed your eyes, sighing and smiling to him. "Adorable. I could kiss you." He said, you hadn't noticed how close he had gotten until you felt his breath, hot against the lope of your ear. His teeth grazed against the sensitive skin and your body shuddered. "R-Ranpo... there's people..." You were highly aware of the man behind the counter watching the exchange between the two of you.

"I don't mind. You're mine, aren't you?" His words were not much more than a whisper, his lips were moving lower down to your neck. His hands were on the same downward course, inching teasingly slow down your backside. Your breath hitched in your throat as you felt his nails dig into your upper thighs, right below the hem of your skirt. "Of course I'm yours... B-but... they're waiting upstairs." You tried to get his mind back on track. It wouldn't be unlike him to try to take you right there in one of the booths. It's not that he was actually into doing things in public, but he had a one track mind, and when he suddenly felt the urge, he acted on it no matter where you two were. He had riled you up many times, leaving you a flustered frustrated mess until you got back to the privacy of your own home.

He sighed, pulling away slightly as your words brought him back to the moment at hand. "We stay for twenty minutes. I need to get you home to deal with what you've caused." He murmured, his voice low and sultry. You felt the heat pooling between your thighs, but you had to keep a straight face when you met his coworkers, you had to make a good impression. Your teeth tugged at your bottom lip as you tried to contain yourself, rubbing your thighs together, literally trying anything to get a grip on yourself. It felt like your knees were shaking, and Ranpo noticed immediately. "Mmm, my little princess, you're not as innocent as you want people to believe. Be patient for Daddy, won't you?"

He led you over to the elevator, and the sexual tension between the two of you felt like a thick fog. You didn't know how long the two of you could hold off. He was practically undressing you with his eyes already, and it didn't matter how loose his pants were, you could see the slight bulge growing between his legs. As soon as the elevator doors shut he had you cornered against the wall, his arms on both sides of your head. His lips crashed into yours, his knee pushing your legs apart before bringing his leg up to drag across your most sensitive area. You moaned into the kiss, bucking your hips against his leg, desperate for his touch. He pulled away, a low chuckle escaping his lips as he looked down and saw the small wet spot on his pants. "So needy, you're already so wet for Daddy. I might just make you wait a little longer, how about that?" You didn't have time to answer before the doors slid open and he grabbed your wrist to pull you out.

The office door opened and out stepped a beautiful woman, her hair was short and black, adorned with a butterfly clip on the side. Her eyes were a beautiful magenta, but you could tell by looking at her that she meant business. Her outfit seemed very business like, a knee length A-line skirt and a white button up with red heels. She looked you over, and you couldn't tell if it was a look of approval or disapproval, but it made you slightly nervous. "So this is her?" She asked, looking over to Ranpo, her eyes scanning over his face as she waited for his response. You didn't like the way she looked at him, the smug smile spreading on her lips as she stared at him a little longer than necessary. "This is her." Ranpo finally said, a hint of pride mixed in with his tone. The jealousy that had been slowly trying to creep it's way in had all but vanished when you heard him say those three simple words. He moved his hand down to intertwine his fingers with yours, giving your hand a soft squeeze to help calm your nerves.

The woman turned on her heel and walked back into the office, not another word spoken, and you could have sworn that you sensed a feeling of agitation emitting from off her. You tried not let her mood affect you too much, even though the look that she had given Ranpo would bother you for a while, especially considering they worked together and saw each other almost every day... was there something there that you had to be worried about? Your stomach sank as your pessimism took control, all of your doubts and fears formed into one. Not even his hand in yours seemed to calm your nerves, and the feeling that was once sexual tension that had been building inside you turned into flat out tension.

You couldn't really focus on all the people in the room, they had their eyes on you, but you couldn't seem to lift your gaze from the ground. "She's just shy, isn't my little cinnamon bun precious?" Ranpo said, the feeling of his thumb brushing along your cheek should have been enough to calm you, but even still, the only thing you could think of was him possibly doing the same to the beautiful bob haired woman. He began his introduction, pointing around the room as he said everyone's names. "Kunikida, Kenjii, Atsushi, Tanizaki, Naomi, Kyouka, Dazai, Fukuzawa, and last but certainly not least, Doctor Yosano." When his hand motioned to her the pit in your stomach only grew larger. He said her name with a sort of devoutness. He had never told you anything about this woman, he had never brought her up to you at all, yet he looked at her with almost the same eyes he would give you after a long day of work, when you were the only person he wanted to see... apparently that wasn't the case though... maybe he had more than one person he adored. "Everyone, this is Y/N." He said your name the same way he said hers, but that didn't make you feel any better. In fact, it made you feel worse. Did he think of you the same way he thought of her, or did he think of her the same way he thought of you? Either way, it didn't seem very good.

"Ranpo-kun, can you come over here for a minute?" Her voice might have seemed seductive to anyone else, but to you it was piercing, like a needle going straight through one ear and out the other. The hardest part to handle was the fact that he obliged, leaving you to stand in the middle of the office so he could walk over to her. She shifted her long, slender legs, folding one over the other and leaned back on the desk she was sitting on. You could tell what she was doing, you had done the same type of pose multiple times at home to try to get Ranpo's attention, and the worst part was that it was working for her just as well as it worked for you.

Your eyes were focused on what was going on across the room, unaware of the man that had been making his way over to you. He tapped your shoulder lightly and you quickly turned around, having to look up to actually see his face. He was obviously a very charming man, and extremely cocky, you could see that in the way that he smiled down at you. "So, you look a little uncomfortable. How about I show you around the office?" You tried to remember the mans name from the ones Ranpo had listed off. Tanizaki? Atsushi? Kunikida? No.... oh, that's right. He was Dazai, the one that Ranpo had warned you about before you had even come here. Apparently he was a flirt and a natural born charmer.

Ranpo had wanted you to try to stay away from Dazai unless he was around, but your emerald eyed boyfriend was currently being held up by the beautiful doctor, so you might as well have a little fun. Of course you would never do anything to actually hurt Ranpo emotionally, you couldn't bear the thought of losing him, but you weren't going to just stand by and watch as Yosano clearly flirted with your boyfriend, whether he noticed it or not.

"Is there anywhere that you'd like to see first?" Dazai asked, leaning against the desk as he stared at you, his eyes shut, a small smile on his lips, his head cocked to the side. You could definitely see now why he was the heartthrob of the Agency.

"The coffee shop... downstairs... i-it smelled really nice. I'd love to have a cup." You said it softly, so soft that nobody else had been able to hear you at all, even Dazai had barely made out what you said, but he heard enough. He nodded and pushed himself away from the desk, wrapping his arm loosely around your waist as he led you to the door. You weren't expecting him to be so touchy, and you weren't sure if this would be considered going to far.

You used the time alone with Dazai to learn more about Ranpo and Yosano's relationship, finding out if it was platonic or if there was something more there. When you finally heard the full story you felt awful for even assuming, and even more awful for thinking that leaving the office upstairs to go with Dazai was a good idea.

Meanwhile, Ranpo had finally finished his conversation with Yosano. She had been talking to him about how cute he and you looked together, and that she wasn't used to seeing someone shorter than him. She was proud of him honestly, that he had found someone that he seemed to be truly in love with. She saw how he would open his phone occasionally while sitting at his desk, and his eyes would open for only a second to read the text, then his eyes would close and a wide smile would spread across his face as he leaned back in his chair. She knew before he had even brought you up that he had found someone, and that someone made him truly happy. That's all she wanted for him, he was like a brother to her, and she believed that he deserved nothing but the best.

He turned around, thinking that he would find you still standing in the middle of the office, or maybe sitting on the couch talking to Naomi or Kyouka, but he saw that you were gone, and not only that, but Dazai was gone too. He didn't want to make a scene, of course not, but thinking of you being anywhere with Dazai had him slightly irritated, maybe even... jealous. He had no reason to be jealous obviously, he knew that you would never actually make a move on Dazai, but it wasn't you that he was worried about. You were shy and soft spoken, if Dazai tried anything on you, you would be too nervous to say anything about it or tell him to stop.

His eyes shot open, flashing his beautiful emerald green irises to everyone in the office. They knew he meant business then, clearing a path for him to the door. He already knew where the two of you had went, he thought it was quite foolish of Dazai to try to even take you out of the office in the first place. First thing, he would know exactly where you were, his ultra deduction wasn't just used for crime cases. Also, you were HIS, so it took some nerve for Dazai to sweep you off somewhere to be alone with him, especially when Ranpo was around. He wasn't exactly angry about it, no, just irritated and he wanted to show everyone in the office that you belonged to him, specifically Dazai.

You were at the little booth in the front of the small cafe, sipping from your coffee cup, trying to avoid Dazai's stare. When you put your cup down his hands immediately moved to capture yours. "Wha- What are you doing?" You stammered out, trying to pull your hands away, but his grip was tight. "You have your doubts about Ranpo, and I'm not going to tell you whether you're right or wrong about them. But I will tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. It would be an honor, a great privilege if you would commit a double suicide with me." His eyes were twinkling, filled with excitement at the possible prospect of having someone to do the fateful dead with him.

"I... uh... uhm... no thank you." You yanked your hands away, and just as you were about to get up you felt a set of strong arms wrap around your waist. You turned your neck to see his green eyes staring into yours, and you couldn't think of anything to say, so you shifted your body in his arms, burying your face in his shoulder. He tsked at Dazai, shaking his head at the man at the table. "I'm not shocked, just disappointed that you would attempt such a thing with MY girlfriend. I know that she is absolutely gorgeous, stunning even, but she is mine. I don't share any of my sweets, her included." His voice was stern, and you could only imagine how he would look. The thought of his face, matching the serious tone in his voice, it had a fire burning deep inside of you.

He led you to the elevator, leaving Dazai at the table in silence. You still didn't know what to say, but Ranpo had an idea of how to make you talk. You had been staring down at your shoes as you waited for the elevator to come down from the top floor, but Ranpo didn't like your silence, not at all. He grabbed your chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing you to look at him. "You belong to me, isn't that right my little kitten?" You hummed in response, but that wasn't enough. He shook his head and got closer, his face mere inches from your own. "I want to hear you say it." You were putty in his hands, and you loved when he was domineering like this. It turned you on and he knew it, he knew exactly what he was doing. "I'm your's, Daddy. No one else's." You whispered, and you could have sworn that you heard him moan.

The elevator doors opened and he pushed you inside, slamming his finger into the button repeatedly to close the doors. He pressed the top button, but as soon as the elevator started moving he pushed the emergency stop button. When he turned to look back at you his eyes were lidded, a darker version of the beautiful emerald green. That look alone had you practically dripping, and you were rubbing your thighs together, trying to feel anything, any type of friction. He was leaning in the far corner, watching you with a smirk. "Mmm, Daddy's little kitten is so impatient. Do you need my help?"

He walked over to where you were, moving to stand behind you. You grinded yourself against him as his hands traveled agonizingly slow up your thighs, under the hem of your skirt until he reached your panties. "You're soaking already, has Daddy been keeping you waiting too long?" He was kissing along your neck, biting it occasionally as he toyed with your over sensitive slit making your hips buck into his touch. "Let's see how many times I can make you come before someone saves us, hmm?"

A/N : I WAS SWEATING WHILE WRITING THIS AND I REALLY DO HOPE THAT IT'S GOOD BECAUSE I WAS LIKE "OOOHHHH MY GOSH HOW DOES ONE SERVE SOME GOOD FUCKIN FOOD!!!???" BUT I REALLY DO HOPE YOU LIKE IT!

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bsd x reader #bsd imagines #bsd scenarios #bsd headcanons #Ranpo Edogawa #Edogawa Ranpo #Ranpo Edogawa x reader #Edogawa Ranpo x reader #ranpo x reader #ranpo scenarios #ranpo headcanons #ranpo imagines #Edogawa Ranpo scenarios #edogawa ranpo imagines #edogawa ranpo headcanons #ranpo edogawa scenarios #ranpo edogawa imagines #ranpo edogawa headcanons #ranpo x reader lemon! #bsdlemon!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey so i have been following your blog for a little while now and i wantes to tell you i love it and i a thankful for it and you. I struggle in tgis space where i eat to deal with emotions and then i get upset about eating so much which leads to me binging ridiculous amounts of food but i dont purge. I just go numb until i have to binge again. I have been in therapy and doing well till i had a doctors appointment the other day. Just a wellness but they told me technically i am obese. Since i have found myself back in this binging habit. Any advice on how to reel myself back in?

Oh my gosh, that's so hard! I know the binge cycle well, though. I was stuck in a binge-and-restrict pattern for my entire first year of college.

My first piece of advice would be to remind yourself every day that you and your body are worthy of respect. That's now, not at some hypothetical point where your ED is cured or where you have lost weight. Don't get down on yourself and your body. It can be really hard not to, but you are a human being struggling with an illness and you deserve love and respect.

This next piece of advice I might recommend you get into more depth with your therapist. When you are seeking to binge, identify what is triggering that feeling and learn how to practice self-care that works for you when you come into contact with those triggers. For me, this got easier when I started moving out of the binge cycle a little more, because when I was really in it I ALWAYS wanted to binge. In order to start moving out of that stage I suggest consulting with a therapist. I mean I was a dumbass and didn't get therapy for years, so I actually moved out of the always-binging stage on my own but it took YEARS and a LOT of relapses.

Speaking of relapses...you probably will binge, since it's such an ingrained habit for you. When that happens, practice your self-care. Maybe make yourself some tea, talk to yourself about trying again next time. Don't get down on yourself. Remind yourself that you are human and battling an illness. Try not to numb out, though - really feel your feelings and have compassion for each feeling.

Identify what you are feeling before meals, especially right now. It can be tempting to numb it out with binging. Try to work through that temptation. Feel it, tell yourself it is okay to feel it even if they are hard feelings to feel. If you need the help of your therapist to learn how you can get through the most intense feelings, that's okay. Use your resources. Your therapist might also have some recommendations for things you can do as a healthy and productive outlet for those feelings. Different things work for different people.

As you move towards recovery, you may start finding more and more things to look forward to that don't involve food! I recommend you throw yourself into these activities so that anticipation and excitement aren't always linked to the next time you get to eat. When I was binge-and-restrict that was a huge problem for me. I'd go hungry for hours because I thought I "had to" and that whole time all I'd be thinking about was what I'd eat when my allotted time came.

If you have a trusted friend, perhaps you could get them to eat lots of meals with you. They could do anything from helping you practice mindfulness of your feelings before you start eating, to helping remind you to slow down and enjoy what you are eating, to cutting you off when you are eating past your "full point." This has to be someone you really trust, and someone who isn't fatphobic - remember, the goal is not to get you thin, it is to heal your relationship with food. That means you eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, and give your body what it needs. Your hunger signals might be a little messed up after a lot of disordered eating, so healing that relationship with food is much more important than weight loss right now. Especially since your body might need to do unpredictable things as it recovers. You and your friend could develop some "code words" to use in public places to convey different messages when they check in, since binge eating disorder can be stigmatized.

And finally, I'd encourage you not to set a goal weight, at least not just now (and honestly maybe never.) I know that weight loss as treatment can be heavily pushed on people who have larger bodies, but I personally know that setting a goal weight only triggered me to restrict more, which would increase my bingeing next time I ate because I had driven up so much anticipation toward food and made my body hungry and desperate. I would recommend not dieting (with the exception of removing any hardcore "trigger foods") so that you can eat as normally as possible and just heal your relationship with food. See above - your body and soul are worthy of respect at EVERY step in this journey! (Yes, even the relapses - and there probably WILL be some. Managing an ED is hard because you can't just go off food completely to give your mind a break from the addiction cycle, so relapses are common. Be kind to yourself.) Your body deserves to have the things it needs.

Sending love and good luck, anon! <3

#binge eating disorder #binge eating #ed recovery #body image #healing #ed cw #long post #personal

[spencers-dria]

Trauma

Someone To Stay Ch. 9

Spencer x fem reader

It's been several weeks since Y/N and I started our weekly movie nights. After starting Harry Potter we decided that we would keep watching our way through the series until we finished them. Last week I was out of town on all of her days off, but tonight we get to watch our favorite together, Prisoner of Azkaban. Seeing as we both love Halloween, this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Last time I had asked to borrow her Harry Potter cookbook. As a surprise I've been cooking pumpkin pasties. I normally don't do much cooking, but this was well worth it. Movie night has become incredibly casual, so i slip into some purple pajama pants and a black t shirt before driving to her apartment. We decided movie nights would all take place at her apartment, seeing as she had the nice TV with a decent sound system. I had previously spent almost all my time reading, so all I had was my mom's old TV tucked away in the corner, only used when I felt the need to binge Dr. Who.

It's not long before i'm knocking at her door, warm snacks ready to go. She opens the door and looks down with a huge grin.

"Are those what I think they are?"

I nod, glad to see she's excited about them. After a moment I notice a pleasant smell wafting from the kitchen.

"You made something too?" I peek my head into the kitchen hoping to discover the source of the scent.

Y/N pulls out two mugs topped with foam, smiling like a giddy little kid. We both take a sip, and I feel the warmth filling me up as I take in the drink that tastes like Autumn in a cup. I've never had butter-beer before, but this is perfect. I look up to see whipped cream coating Y/N's upper lip, and based on the laugh she's holding back, I would guess I am sporting the same foam mustache. We both bust out in laughter. Something about spending time with Y/N makes me feel like a kid again. I know I can share my knowledge with her and she actually encourages me to do it quite often. But she also makes me feel like I can be goofy and silly and just have fun. I had almost forgotten what that feels like.

After we each curl up on our end of the couch with blankets and pillows, I can't help but realize how happy I have been having her as a friend in my life. Something about this realization pulls my mind in the opposite direction, and I suddenly find myself remembering why happiness feels like such a long forgotten stranger...Maeve. The name had not crossed my thoughts in weeks. This realization leaves me with a guilt that sits like a pit in my stomach. Before I know it, I am no longer focused on my favorite Harry Potter movie, but am spiraling into a dark hole once again. I lose myself so far into my thoughts that I almost don't notice that Y/N has stopped the movie and is staring straight at me.

I turn to her. "What is it?"

Y/N furrows her brow, a deep look of concern filling her eyes.

"Spencer, you're crying."

"I am?" I reach up to feel the wet streaks left behind on my cheek. I hadn't even realized. Now not only have I been crying in front of Y/N, but she knows something is wrong. Knowing her, she won't let this go so easily. I also doubt she'll buy any lie I try to feed her. She may not be a profiler, but she sure knows when someone she cares about isn't being genuine with her.

Luckily, she must also know me better than I realize. She doesn't push me too hard for information. She scoots over to my side of the couch before laying a hand on my shoulder. I keep my eyes glued to my lap, avoiding eye contact as best I can. I'm afraid that if I look into her eyes now, I'll completely fall apart. Something about telling your friends about your trauma makes it very real, and I don't want to relive that day, not again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure..." I answer honestly.

Instead of pushing me, she moves her hand to rub my back as we sit there in silence. Something about the kindness of this gesture finally breaks me. I let my head fall into my hands as tears start streaming down my face, and I don't even bother trying to stop them. I can't hold this back anymore, not from someone who's become like a best friend to me.

We sit there just like that for several minutes, Y/N silently rubbing my back, me crying like a big baby. Part of me feels embarrassed, breaking down like this, but the other part is too tired from holding all of this back to even care anymore.

Finally, I think my body has run out of tears when I hear Y/N say "What can I do? What do you need?" It's so quiet I almost miss it.

"Her name was Maeve." I am surprised to hear the words leave my mouth. I glance over to Y/N to gauge her reaction, but she's only sitting there, listening patiently.

"I started getting these headaches. They became so crippling that they started affecting my work. It scared me because...well my mom is schizophrenic. I guess I have always been a little paranoid about showing symptoms. The doctors ran tests, labs, scans...everything they could think of. As a last resort I reached out to this geneticist. After a bit of correspondence, it wasn't difficult to see that she was brilliant. She seemed to enjoy keeping in touch, so we would write one another letters. We eventually started calling one another. But...she had a stalker. She didn't know who it was or what they wanted, but she was scared. That's why we wrote letters. And I only ever called her from telephone booths, never the same one twice. I ended up sharing a large part of my life with her... One time before hanging up the phone she even said "love you" like it was the most normal thing in the world. I never said it back, but even if what I felt was love I never got the chance to say it to her. Her stalker was a former grad student, and she got to Maeve before I could."

I stop and take in a deep breath, swallowing the growing lump in my throat before continuing.

" She shot herself in front of me, killing Maeve along with her. It was the first time I had ever seen her in person too. It happened a couple months ago. Every time I think i've moved on it feels like the pain starts all over again. I sometimes feel guilty for even trying to move on, for ever being happy."

Y/N doesn't say a word as she lets me speak. She just nods, taking in every word. After a couple minutes of silence, she lets out a large breath before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Spencer, I can't pretend to even come close to understanding what you are going through. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could tell you when the pain will go away, but the truth is it will probably never fully leave you. Trauma has a way of sticking with us. We learn how to process it and cope with it more efficiently, but it's never truly gone. Now I can't pretend to know what Maeve would have wanted for you, but as your friend who's with you now I want to tell you its okay to be happy. Its also okay to not be okay sometimes. No one has it together all of the time. It's ok to talk about it, to cry about it, and there's no right or wrong time. Trauma has a way of sneaking up on us, triggering us when we least expect it. And whatever you need to be ok, whatever you need to do in order to deal with this, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. You can always call me if you need to talk or come over. Even if you just need a distraction from it, if you find yourself slipping into a dark place, you can call me, and we will talk about literally anything else or go find somewhere to grab dessert or watch a movie. If you need someone to just sit with you, I'll be there. What I'm trying to say is whenever you're ready, just tell me what you need and I'll be there for you."

I feel like I could cry again, but luckily I don't. Instead, I turn on the couch to face Y/N and just pull her in for a hug, resting my head on her shoulder. This alone is all I need to at least be okay, even if just for tonight. As someone who lives alone, my only real family living across the US, no one ever really knows just how much I crave touch. It's not exactly like I can just approach JJ, Garcia, or Morgan and say "Hey I could really use a hug today." It's a love language for me, but I go weeks without touching a single person. It wears me down sometimes. Sitting here, hugging Y/N, is the most comforted I have felt in a really long time.

I want to tell her the other reason I'm struggling. About the cravings I have to battle when things are already emotionally challenging. I decide I'm not ready to share that quite yet. It's not that i don't trust her, but if it's going to affect the way she sees me, I want to put that off as long as possible.

I also take a minute to go over the words she's said to me. I can't help but notice her tone, her body language, the look on her face. She may be great at comforting people, especially since it's part of her job, but those were the words of someone who knew. She spoke from a place of fully understanding trauma, which tells me one thing: She has had trauma of her own. I make a mental note to bring it up later. I don't want to push her, but I want to make sure she knows she has the same support from me incase she ever needs to talk.

We sit there for a few more minutes, her arms wrapped around me. My breathing eventually slows down as I try to get my sniffles under control. I feel my head start to pound from how hard I have been crying. I sit back to rub my hands into my temples. Y/N stands up and makes her way into the kitchen, returning a couple minutes later with a cold water bottle, a box of tissues, and some aspirin.

She starts to walk out of the room before turning to me.

"I think I've got something that might help you feel a little better. It can't heal with heartbreak, but maybe it can help you to relax and take your mind off everything, if even for a little while."

"Y/N, you take care of people all day at work you don't have to..,"

"Hey!" She cuts me off before I can finish. "Why do you think I became a nurse huh? I enjoy taking care of people. And if I can help, even just a little, I won't feel so completely useless in this situation."

"Y/N, you've already helped. Just listening, being here with me. But I guess its no use arguing with you, you're too stubborn." A small breathy laugh leaves my nose and I glance up to see a small smile before she steps out of the room.

She returns a few minutes later and doesn't say a word. Instead she grabs both my hands and pulls me off the couch, leading me into the guest bathroom.

A take a look around at everything she had gotten ready.

"A bubble bath?" I shoot her a look of uncertainty.

"Just trust me okay." She rolls her eyes playfully. "I'll be in the living room. Just shout if you need me okay?"

I decide to just go with it. She leaves, shutting the door behind her and flipping of the lights. The room is suddenly glowing in light from candles scattered all around the bathroom. After slipping into the bath, I tense up at how hot the water is before it finally relaxes all my muscles. Breathing in, I notice the smell of eucalyptus and lavender filling the air. There is also a bluetooth speaker in the corner, softly playing zen spa music with the trickle of a rain in the background.

I have to admit, this is the most relaxed I have felt in...well I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. Baths always seemed a bit girly, but this was incredibly therapeutic. I may have to try this again after my next difficult case.

When I finally decide to get out, I realize I'll have to change back into the same clothes. I quickly realize Y/N had also laid out a  star wars t shirt and black sweatpants for me. She thought of everything. With her being on the taller side and enjoying baggy clothes, they actually fit me fairly well.

When I finally step back into the living room she looks up at me and grins.

"Looking good Dr. Reid!"

She never calls me that, and for some reason it makes me blush just slightly. She pats the spot next to her on the couch, signaling for me to come over.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Umm I wasn't sure about the whole bath thing but... I feel fantastic actually! How did you know that would help?"

"When you do what I do, you have to find multiple ways to unwind" she laughs.

I glance down at the shirt I'm wearing.

"So Star Wars huh?"

Y/N smirks "Are you really that surprised?"

I answer with a laugh "No I suppose not."

"Well I hope you like them too, because that's what I had lined up when it was my turn to pick for movie night!"

I can't help but hide a giant grin. I was happy to hear she wanted to continue our movie nights. Between all the Harry Potter movies and Star Wars movies combined, it seemed like we'd be spending a lot more time together.

"Is it okay if we finish the movie?" I am hoping I didn't completely ruin the night with my breakdown.

"I thought you'd never ask" she smiles before turning to the TV and resuming the movie.

As I watch the characters making their way into the shrieking shack, I feel my eyes grow heavy. I guess I had gotten a little too relaxed, as I am now struggling to stay awake through the rest of the movie.

When I open my eyes I notice the room is no longer glowing from the light of the TV but from the daylight streaming in through the windows. I realize i'm stretched across Y'N's couch, under one of her many fuzzy blankets. I sit up and look around, noticing Y/N is no longer there. After checking her kitchen and bedroom, I start to worry. Before I start to call her on the phone, I notice movement outside the window. I make my way onto the patio balcony to see her sitting on her bench with a book in her hands. At the sound of the door, she looks up and meets my gaze, smiling as she closes her book.

"Good morning sunshine" she says laughing just a bit.

"What happened?" I ask, joining her on the bench outside, running my hands through my hair as I attempt to fully wake up.

"Well, after awhile I noticed you fell asleep. I really thought it would be best to just let you get your rest."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." I start before she cuts me off.

"Its no problem! Not last night and not any other time. You are always welcome here." She gives me a warm, genuine smile. I know this is a sincere offer, one I'm sure I will take her up on again.

#Spotify