#the stress is just destroying my memory and it takes up too much of my energy

[terrible-eel]

I may be too stressed to articulate this clearly but I am going to try.

While Hawai'i and Maui are trending I'm going to share this link. Its a FAQ about Hawai'i's statehood and the situation Hawai'i is in at the moment. There are people who want to be part of the U.S in Hawai'i and there are people who don't, but the people of Hawai'i were never, at any point, given an option to choose.

If you want to help Hawai'i and it's people but can't donate, spread this word. Help educate people. Make Hawai'i as the tropical paradise be replaced with the sovereign nation stolen by the u.s.

It is subtropical, meaning it is much more vulnerable to arid climates caused by climate change.

It has been systematically stripped of its native food harvesting practices and any ability to farm and self sustain. It has been systematically stripped of its previous industries. Maui used to export milk and cattle. That's all been taken away.

The islands since the 1800s were exploited as plantations, burning sugar cane and growing pineapples which are not native, diverting the water and depleting the water table.

Lahaina burned because of these practices. Because the native people were no longer allowed to govern their lands.

We as local people know that tourism is bad because this systematic destruction has happened in living memory. Within my grandparent's lifetimes, within my lifetime. I have watched this island crumble at the hands of mainland startups, hoping to take people on whale watching tours that cut the whales with their boats while people aren't allowed to have a ferry between islands. People create ziplines and tours through lands that used to belong to local people for farming and cattle. Now they're bought out for photos and hikes the local people can never afford. Hundreds of jobs have been lost in the past thirty years. Mass migrations to the mainland have been made by local people, myself included because we can no longer afford to stay on the island where we were born. Working three jobs is not enough to cover the rent because the houses are bought up by mainland people who then turn these houses into vacation rentals and charge hundreds a night. Right now these very homes are being paid for by the government so that Lahaina people have somewhere to stay and it's costing the state millions that people in the mainland are reeping.

People ask why tourism is bad. Because there are people alive today on Maui that have watched the foreign industries destroy everything. Because people alive today know what used to be and knew how to take care of the ecosystem so that this kind of calamity didn't happen. Lahaina was not just fertile. They had canals and waterways. Rivers that they would drive boats through to go from one part of town to another. It was more like Venice than this desert you see in pictures.

And do your own research. The information is out there. There are two Hawai'i's. The one you see as a tourist, and the REAL one. The one we need to protect.

Let Hawaiians have their land back. Let them restore the water to the land so we can prevent further catastrophe. Tell people about REAL Hawaii.

#hawaii #Hawaii fires #Maui #maui fires #Lahaina #lahaina fires #injustice #sovereignty

[furiousgoldfish]

One of the issues you run into when you're not allowed to express anger as a child, is that you're no longer able to get angry. When you're in a situation that should evoke rage, you instead feel fear, anxiety, panic, or grief, emotional hurt and helplessness. You end up operating a body that cannot feel or express anger. The only times you do feel angry is when you're directing it at yourself, it comes as a form of self hatred, and desire to cause pain and injury to yourself. Because this is the only way you would have been allowed to be angry, only way it was safe, to direct it at yourself, same as everyone else is doing constantly, teaching you that it's normal and expected.

Growing up like this means that all of the anger from your childhood keeps getting stored into your body instead of externalized, and you still cannot get angry when the situation demands it. Instead, when you're being disrespected and injustice is served in your face, you can either feel helpless and lost, or the frustration you feel irritates you so much you cannot stand it. Your body is not used to feeling anger and doesn't know how to process it. Instead it feels like you're going to explode, restless, endlessly irritated and at a complete loss on how to handle it. Because you never learned how to handle anger, except to take it out on yourself, and you might be driven to just keep doing that, forever.

Taking a stand for yourself and confronting whoever deserved your anger might still feel terrifying and all of the insane things that happened to you as a result of childhood anger might get triggered. You might feel too frightened to confront them because you can imagine all sorts of ways it could come back to hurt you - this person could try to get you fired, for example. They might smear campaign you and get you evicted, they could threaten you with something or blackmail you, they could destroy something of yours, spread rumors, hold a grudge and do thousand times worse to you. Those are thoughts evoked by memories of childhood, where abusive parents threatened and did any or all of these things, including torture, in order to keep you from expressing anger.

However this person is hurting you right now, unprovoked, and getting no resistance. From that, they're learning that they can keep doing it, with zero consequences, because you've already been broken and cannot fight back. That is a dangerous situation to be in too, even if it is impossible to predict whether this person is insane like your parents and will try to get revenge for any bit of resistance for their abuse.

I had situations where I would be pushed over the edge and allowed my anger to come out at someone - and people would sometimes complain about it, but they would usually back off, and I would regain my peace of mind because I created a consequence for disturbing it. Anger, however, doesn't feel good. My body is not used to it so it makes me incredibly tense, stressed, frustrated and upset, and it doesn't go away for several days, even weeks sometimes. Because scratching the surface of it evokes the repressed childhood anger which is almost unbearable with how giant it is.

Human body can learn to process anger, it can feel better, more powerful and more in control because of it. It can protect you without inflicting damage to others. It doesn't make you anything like your abusers, who let their anger out at someone who wasn't their equal, had no way to fight back, and did not deserve any of it. Your anger creates boundaries that keep you safe, it doesn't exist to torture others for existing.

It's easy to fall back into the place where you don't want to be angry, and try to be accommodating and allowing of injustice, just so you don't have to feel frustrated and afraid. I often fall back on it too, just wanting to live and have peace. But life around other people often doesn't allow it, and sometimes anger is necessary to send a message of what boundaries will not be crossed without a consequence. Anger is not a bad feeling, it is an act of self love. It comes out to let you know that you've been treated unfairly and it's there because it's telling you that you matter. That treating you unfairly is something to get mad about.

#anger #rage #anger issues #cptsd #abused child #abuse symptoms #trauma symptoms #repressed anger #processing anger #anger builds boundaries #ptsd #traumatic anger #internalized anger #anger directed at self #not being allowed to bring angry creates self hatred #self love #abuse recovery #trauma recovery

[boots-with-the-fur-club]

Chapter 4 of No Fun in Fungus! The next chapter will be last!

@daboyau

@theawesomeninja-xd

@nights-flying-fox

@phoebepheebsphibs

Donnie can’t help but feel angry at this point.

At who, he isn’t entirely certain.

Himself? The mushrooms?

There’s just anger.

Weight is suddenly in his hand.

It’s his tech bō.

He slams it into the side of the fake Leo’s head as hard as he can.

The hallucination’s head and neck cracks sideways audibly.

It’s gaze moves back to Donnie.

“You hate me this much? Why? What….did I ever do to you? Why do you want me to be gone from your life so badly?”

Donnie’s hands steady as he hits again.

“Shut up! I don’t care if some dumb dumb mushrooms keep saying my brothers think I hate them!”

Another whack.

“They know I love them! I know I love them! Just because I made mistakes and can’t express my feelings like other people doesn’t make me a monster!”

An even harder hit.

“I would build, destroy, do anything for them! You can’t take that away from me!”

The bō suddenly gets grabbed as the image turns into Shredder.

“You think you can do anything? A pathetic little mistake, a blight on my bloodline talking so boldly. You believe you can hide your weaknesses with machinery, you forget how easily I destroyed it! How easily I can destroy you!”

Donnie is well aware what happened to his tech on multiple occasions.

Because of his failures, two people he cared a lot about were gone within the same day.

However, it was that same tech he created that gave them time to escape.

It was his invention that helped bring Leo back from somewhere that seemed impossible.

Maybe nothing he made was perfect or would always been 100% successful.

He’d make them over and over again to help his family.

Reminding himself of them also brings back the memory of Raph.

There’s a chance that the other component he had been missing was besides knowing this wasn’t real.

Raph didn’t only allow them to calm him down, he also chose to face his fear completely while thinking it was real.

He ha/ to do the same to have a chance of making sure everyone else was okay.

Donnie let’s go of the stuck tech bō and lunges at Shredder, hoping that the hallucination would just vanish.

It still surprises him that it works.

What surprises him even more is when he realizes that he’s actually going towards Raph and Leo.

The three all let out yelps as they crash into each other.

“Okay, ow.” Donnie complains, draped over Raph’s chest and part of Leo.

“That’s my line.” Leo grumbles, but not making any attempt to move.

Raph grabs and pulls the both of them into a tight hug.

“Raph’s never been so happy to get crashed into. You okay? Leo and I saw some….intense stuff.”

“Luckily I am the pinnacle of mysterious bad boy personas, I have my emotions completely under control.” Donnie says despite clinging to them just as much.

Raph can’t help but smile a little more at his reaction, despite the situation they’re in.

It’s nice to know he’s still considered a safe space after everything that’s happened.

“Don’t worry, Raph’s got ya.”

“….Thank you. There is something I want to say-“

“Hold on! I need to give you this before I forget.” Leo holds up the inhaler.

“You….still have that thing? You know I can just make one with ninpo now.”

“Maybe, but if you’re stressed and can’t breathe how are you going to focus enough to make one?…..Are you crying?”

Donnie hides his face in Leo’s shoulder.

“No. The spore cloud made my eyes burn.”

Leo pats his head.

“Sure it did.”

“I’d give you yours, but they’re in my battle shells.”

“They’re? As in more than one?”

“Obviously I have to have one in each or else it nullifies the purpose of it being handy in an emergency.”

Leo sniffles.

“The dust got in my eyes too.”

Tears fall onto them from above, making the two look up.

“There’s nothing in my eyes, I just love you guys so much.” Raph admits.

“We love you too, big guy. Let’s go get Mikey so he doesn’t get mad we’re group hugging without him.” Leo pats Raph’s face.

Raph nods.

“Let’s go make sure he’s okay.”

He lets go of Donnie and Leo before they all stand up.

Leo wobbles slightly.

Donnie nonchalantly leans closer to him, offering his shoulder.

Leo silently accepts the invitation to help him stay upright.

The three of them make their way further in.

When the spores made everything hard to see, Mikey scrambled to grab onto anyone he could.

When he felt nothing, it scared him pretty badly.

There wasn’t much to go on to find out which way they went so he went a random direction and just called out for all of them.

He felt so relieved when he heard all their voices together after some time of walking.

“Hey! You guys! I’m here! Is everyone okay?”

The relief vanishes very quickly as Mikey realizes the voices were angry ones, his brothers were arguing.

“You’re just selfish, Leo! Even after almost getting us all killed you still can’t stop and think for even a second about how we might feel!” Donnie shouts.

“Since when do you care about how people feel!? You keep building robots just so someone will want to hang out with you! I bet S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. died just so he wouldn’t have to be around you anymore!”

Mikey gasps loudly.

That was an incredibly low blow considering S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. was like their nephew and, by extension, Donnie’s son.

“Leo! How could you say that?”

Donnie slaps Leo across the face, hard enough that Mikey could tell it stung.

Leo recovers from the slap and tackles Donnie, rolling around in a fight with him on the floor.

“What are you doing!? Raph! Help me stop them!” Mikey pleads, looking up at him.

Raph crosses his arms and has a look that makes Mikey freeze.

This was completely different from how he looks when he’s disappointed.

Raph always has that shine in his eyes even at the worst moments. While the saying is that people keep their hearts on their sleeves, Raph keeps it in his eyes.

That was missing at the moment.

“How many times am I going to have to keep cleaning up everyone’s messes? All I ever do is take care of you three and you’ve never appreciated it. Especially not you.”

“O-Of course I appreciate it! I appreciate you! I love you and Leo and Donnie and dad-“

“No, you don’t. Maybe you love Leo and dad and Donnie, but not me. I worked so hard to keep you safe and for what!? All it did was push you away from me! I’m the bad guy because I didn’t let you do dumb and dangerous things! You never care how hard it is for me to have to be responsible! I have fun too! I’m not just a buzzkill like you guys keep saying!”

Mikey feels tears pricking at his eyes at the tone and volume that Raph has been using.

None of his lectures ever sound like this.

“I-I’m….I’m sorry….”

“You know what? I should be glad you don’t want to hang out with me anymore. You’re annoying.”

Mikey’s heart break into little pieces.

Leo and Donnie stand up.

“Finally, something we can agree on. I’m sick and tired of you coming into my lab! I hate having to pretend like your dumb ideas matter.” Donnie crosses his arms.

“N-No….D-Donnie….h-he likes my ideas! Th-This isn’t him….it can’t be….” Mikey whimpers.

“You guys are being too hard on him.” Leo interjects.

Mikey looks up at him hopefully.

“Why even bother saying what’s wrong with him? He can’t change, he won’t change. Dr. Toxic Positivity only cares if someone’s upset so he can make them feel bad about it.”

“T-Toxic….? No! Please! I just want to help! I can do better! I-I can make this better!”

“You can’t cook breakfast, you can’t draw, you can’t skateboard, you can’t do anything that would make you useful enough for us to put up with you.”

“My arms will heal! They’ll-!” Mikey looks down in horror as he sees the golden cracks on his arms.

“No no no! This isn’t happening!”

The other three turn their backs to him.

“This family is a joke. Good luck surviving without me around.” Raph starts walking off.

“No! Wait! Don’t go!”

“Try not to fall into a sewer hole chasing after a pigeon with pizza.” Donnie hisses, going another direction.

“Please! Stay!”

“You can’t keep yourself together, let alone the family. Being in the prison dimension is better than being here.” Leo comments, walking away from the rest as well.

Tears stream down Mikey’s face as he feels something else welling up.

No.

He was not just going to let them go.

If his arms have to suffer again, so be it.

The feeling flows through him, through his arms and throughout the rest of his body.

There’s a weightlessness that comes to him he isn’t fully aware of.

He’s floating.

Ninpo chains appear around him before shooting out in the directions his brothers went.

When he feels one chain gain purchase on something, he pulls it back.

There’s the sound of quite yelling that gets louder as the chain goes back to him.

It becomes loudest when Leo comes into his vision.

“Wha-, Mikey!? You can fly!?”

“Where are they?”

“You mean Raph and Donnie? They’re fine, they were right next to me, but what’s happening with you!?”

Mikey just sends out more chains.

The yelling starts up again and only ends when Raph and Donnie are brought over as well.

“Mikey!?” They question at the same time.

“How are you doing this!?” Raph pulls at the chain around him.

Mikey wraps more chains around his arms, glowing yellow pooling in his eyes and down his face in tears.

“Stop it! You’re not leaving! I don’t care if you want out of this family! W-We’re going to work out our problems and nobody is going anywhere!”

“Mikey, none of us want to leave the family! It’s the hallucinations!” Donnie insists.

“H-How do I know that!? Leo and Raph fought so much just because they couldn’t understand each other! L-Leo was just going to let himself die! None of you can promise me that you won’t leave!”

“Mikey-“

“No! W-We’re all going to apologize! I-I’m sorry for being so annoying…..I-I’m sorry I can’t use my arms a lot yet. I’m sorry you think I hate you Raphie!” He shuts his eyes, making more tears spill out.

Raph’s jaw drops.

Mikey only calls him Raphie nowadays when he wants something especially badly and his puppy dog eyes weren’t working.

When they were younger, that’s all he called him.

“No! You don’t need to apologize, Mikey! I know you don’t hate me, you don’t even hate Draxum!”

Mikey opens his eyes again, sniffling as they stop glowing.

“I was so scared when you put Leo in your escape pod. W-We had no idea what they were doing with you, i-if you’d come back. I never worried about us not surviving before Shredder! Then the Krang happened and…..I realized more we could all just die! E-Especially you.”

“What….what do you mean….?”

“Leo put himself in the prison dimension, but you made him leave you behind in your escape pod! When Shredder attacked Donnie, you put yourself between them and he was stepping on you! H-How many times are we going to have to see you like that!? It hurts! It’s scary!”

Raph desperately struggles against the chains, he wants to hug his poor baby brother so badly.

“I’m sorry! I….I always thought you guys being scared was better than you being hurt or worse. You’re not a burden or a responsibility, you’re my family. I always want to protect you, and….I can’t do that if I’m gone. I get it. I promise I do.”

Mikey hiccups and removes some chains from him, pulling him closer to hug him tightly.

Raph hugs him back just as tight, maybe even tighter.

Leo and Donnie sigh in relief slightly at Mikey calming down.

“If you’re feeling better, you can set us down now Miguel.” Leo smiles.

Mikey stares hard at him and Donnie from behind Raph’s shoulder.

“We’re not done.”

#2018 tmnt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt fanfiction #rise fanfiction #tmnt 2018 #fanfiction #rottmnt michelangelo #rise leo #no fun in fungus #tw hallucinations

[cairavende]

Worm Arc 11 thoughts (pre-interludes):

Taylor's dad sees his daughter for the first time since she ran away. Since the fucking Endbringer attack! And literally says the line "“I need to go handle this" about a fucking work thing. No Danny. You do not NEED TO HANDLE THIS. God damn. It is fucking hard to be a co-parent for Taylor when I'm the only one doing any parenting!

Speaking of parenting - Taylor, you really should get some therapy. That was a pretty detailed level of fucked up nightmare you had. I love you and just want you to take care of yourself.

Skitter just like "all right, for day 1 I'm going to gain complete fucking control over my territory and establish myself as an unkillable bug goddess". And then she worries if she is doing enough!

Seriously though, letting that guy stab her and counting on her costume to block the knife? Fucking baller move. Also stupidly risky. So pretty much on point for my wonderful but stress inducing bug daughter.

And then she just sits in her chair drinking tea while she destroys two groups of Merchants? Doesn't just beat them, but absolutely terrorizes them. Lights one of them on fire with their own matches! WITH BUGS! I love her so much.

She also gained two minions as a side bonus to controlling her territory. And ensured their loyalty and dedication to her.

For real. Sierra would take a bullet. She'd die for Taylor. But Charlotte? Charlotte would kill for Taylor.

The speech Taylor gave Charlotte when giving her the options "leave town" or "work for me" was so well done! Came across as incredibly fair so Charlotte couldn't complain, but also just tied her in a little bundle all nice and neat. Set her up to want to work for you. Very nicely done. Taylor clearly has been learning from Lisa.

We're just pretty much giving up on that whole secret identity thing huh? It just started cascading out of control quite quickly. I don't expect Taylor and Skitter to be different people for much longer.

Lisa and Taylor went to a party together! A shitty villain party that was dangerous and almost killed them. But villain prom is villain prom. GAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Just a number of good Chatterbug (Smugbug) moments here.

Lisa has a MURDER WALL! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I love her so fucking much and I will just sit in there with her working on the murder wall for hours. (She isn't trying to solve a murder so I know it isn't technically a murder wall, but it's a murder wall cause that's the best name.)

Fucking Bryce. Sure went through a lot of trouble for that asshole.

Skidmark just doing a thunderdome up in here. Some people use their powers for cool things and others build a fence.

Also really not seeming to do great for loyalty. Like ya you get a cape or two out of it but it left everyone in your gang not trusting anyone else.

I love everyone in Faultline's crew. Newter was my favorite but Shamrock may have beaten him out. I always loved Domino and Shamrock gives the same vibe.

Newter got a few good Nightcrawler like moments here too which was fun (grabbing things with his tail, talking to people from weird perches).

God DAMN Labyrinth is powerful. Like I knew she was but getting to see it. Holy shit. That was so fucking cool. Literal goddess of reality right here.

I'm really excited to learn more about Cauldron and the superhero in a can stuff. Very Weapon X with the memory wiping and such. (I'm just really on an X-men comparison thought process right now I guess)

Taylor "I'm not a skilled combatant" Hebert over here as she dual wields knives and successfully fights off multiple people, most bigger than her, while specifically using non-lethal attacks on them. Taylor that isn't what "not skilled" means!

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHILD, STOP GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD! I WORRY!

Seeing the trigger event thing was really cool. I don't think the fact that any cape near a trigger event appears to almost pass out has been mentioned before. Obviously in universe know one would know anything beyond them appearing to stumble, but still. And we got to see more of the higher dimension beings. We in Flatland now.

Oh god there is so much more I think I'm missing huge amounts. AHHH!!!

Oh, this is important. While describing Mush Taylor says "He bore a resemblance to a particular pink skinned, scrawny goblin of a creature from those fantasy movies." That open endedness of that context made me decide she must be talking about The Goblin King in Labyrinth. David Bowie. But to keep things simple, since it might seem like she is talking about Gollum, I decided that on Earth Bet David Bowie played Gollum in the Lord of the Rings movies. This is canon as far as I am concerned.

That does also mean Mush looks at least a little bit like David Bowie.

#Worm #Worm Web Serial #Parahumans #Cairavende reads Worm #Chatterbug #Smugbug #Taylor Hebert #MURDERWALL!!! #Lisa Wilbourn #My daughter is so terrifying and she absolutely does not realize how much #The feelings Taylor had when she realized how terrifyingly powerful Labyrinth was is the same feeling everyone else has around Taylor #She literally is one step away from turning any moment into a horror movie. I love her so much.

[factual-fantasy]

25 asks :}} MERRY CHISTMAS! 🎄🎄🎄

Jevil and Seams world still exists, its just so horrible that they don't ever want to go back to it..

Grillby and River persons AU were both destroyed/de-stabilized..?? Their worlds don't exist anymore.. they cant go back.

Goner Kid's AU still exists, but another version of her already exists in it. Its like a duplicate..? Of her was created when she fell into the void. When she tried to re-enter her AU, it was hurting the other Goner Kid. In order for her to go back, someone would have to kill that other Goner kid. But that Kid has a family, real memories, emotions.. she's a person too... no one had the heart to kill her. She cant go back..

Spamton's AU still exists, but he doesn't want to go back. There was nothing for him there. He had no friends, no family, he hated his life. And being in his own world for some reason causes his pain to be more extreme/less tolerable. So staying away from his AU brings him some relief..

Asgore's AU still exists, but he cant go back. Or else he will continue turning into dust and eventually fully die.. staying out of his AU is the only thing keeping him "alive"..

@abaroo

I don't know if their boss status really played much of a role.. mostly their friendship started with Jevil helping Spamton, and then sparked into something more by them having a similar sense of humor. :00

As for the phone person? I haven't decided if my Spamton had that phone guy or not.. but if he did, I might make it so they're different people. Or maybe the same person but from different aus..?? 👀👀

The group might not keep in touch consistently. But I can see them occasionally returning to this AU to seek shelter, knowing that they're safe here.

Like imagine they got in a wicked fight and some of their toughest members are all beat up. They retreat to this AU and hide out in the forest to rest. Some of the Queens guards find the group and bring them to her. She's surprised to hear that they've been living in the woods.

"Why did you not return to my castle?"

"We didn't want to intrude or overstay our welcome..."

"Nonsense! You are always welcome here."

Now as for Seams relationship with her? I imagine its complicated.. Of course he thinks she is wonderful and very gracious. Having freed him from his chains and continuing to welcome them into her castle..

But Seam can't help but be afraid of her. She is the same species as the Spade King. He cant help but be reminded of the king when he looks at her and feel uncomfortable or intimidated..

Seam is probably stressed and uncomfortable being in her castle, despite how kind the Queen is.. Everything just reminds him of the King and all the horrible things associated with him.. its just.. man, its complicated.

@tanileaf

WAAHAHRHHDHF THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!! 😭😭💖💖💖

@mishishiwritings

Aw its ok! <XD Don't worry, it really is mostly a design choice now. But to go over the story again..

When I was designing my sona I wanted something to be on my hands. Gloves? Different skin color? I didn't really know.. Now at the time my fingers/knuckles were covered in band-aids due to dry skin and cat scratches.

So I thought hey! I can give my sona edgy bloody bandages! And I can call them my weathered artists hands! XD And so I added them.

Although my hands still aren't in the best shape today, I'm pretty hard on them- the bloodied hands don't have any darker or concerning origin. Just cat scratches and dry skin. I appreciate the concern though! 🥺💖💖💖

Also thank you! Happy holiday and a happy new year to you too! :}}

@taizarack

Yeah, my sona is kind'a all over the place <XD for funsies I made this little chart that might help explain the strange forms I take XDD

Basically, the drippy-ness and blood is when I want to emphasize my exhaustion and/or emotions is some way..?

And the "stable" version is usually seen at the start of comics before I've consumed any energy. Or in posts with 1-2 drawings that don't take much time/energy to make. Also being a drama queen is fun. Does that make sense..? <:D

@purplelordscp035j

THNAK YOU SO MUCH!! :DDDD

I'm assuming you're talking about the ruin mask? If so, that would be very bizarre.. they wouldn't know what to make of it. How is this thing even possible?? <XDD

@lizard-queen-things

Wow, 2020? That feels like forever ago-

And well I just kind'a lost interest in tfp. <XD I never even finished the show due to lost interest- such is life :/

@citrusfruitman

XD You're the first person to ever send me that I believe. Season's Greason's indeed :}

Nooo, <:/ I had already planned out my AU before the Ruin DLC came out. No room/reason to add prototype Freddy.

@starrypaint09

Fank u! :}}}

Here's a link to my FNAF master post! (Its also in my pinned post <XD)

I got an ask about this recently, :0 I'm sad to say that I'm actually unfamiliar with this game.. sorry! <XD

Part of me thinks it would be very foreign to their (probably cruddy) Fazbear brand pizza. <XD Chica would love it though!

This is a really good question! :0 I had to think about it for a sec XDD

For Freddy and Glamrock Foxy I imagined their vice would be the same, hoarding. They would try to latch onto things and objects that make them feel better. At first it would start with collecting certain posters of event that they had a good time at. Or if someone gave them a plush they would hide it from employees so that they could keep it. But then it would quickly spiral into something worse..

They would both start stealing from the other animatronics. Taking things that they see as valuable and worry the others might throw away. Or if they had a nice time at a kids birthday party they would try to collect souvenirs. Like the present wrapping and bows. Trash and plates with food still on them.

Freddy would collect all this trash and stuff and hoard it in his room. The food would get moldy and make his room a hazard. But Freddy would become very protective of his room and his collection. The employees would try to clean if but Freddy just wouldn't have it. They would have to clean out the worst of it little by little so Freddy wouldn't notice..

Foxy would be the same except once his room got too full, he would extend his collection to Pirates cove. Parents would complain about Pirates cove being dirty and about there being trash all over the floor. But just like Freddy, Foxy would be very protective of his collection and it would be a hassle to clean..

For Glamrock Bonnie however, his is harder to describe.. but I imagine he is completely opposed to change. Maybe OCD you could call it..?

I can see Bonnie being hurt by all the change in his life. When Freddy and Chica died that was a huge change. When the glamrock era began and they threw out everything familiar to him.. it hurt. It was a big change.

I can see Bonnie hating change. For 5 seconds, he wants everything to just, stay the same. This might manifest in Bonnie not allowing any employees in his room. Becuase he doesn't want them moving anything around. He wants to come back to his room after a stressful day and have his room be exactly the way he left it. This would mean Bonnie's room gets very dirty/dusty but he wont allow anyone to clean it.

Not sure how this could spiral to something that effects other people.. Maybe he doesn't like the new songs that they are told to sing. He just wants to sing the same familiar songs he already knows. This could cause problems for the other animatronics because Bonnie wont cooperate? Things like that. :0

I suppose anyone who doesn't have a river person in their AU would be spooked yeah <XD Poor river person :(

XDD Yeah "Mommy look! A Kangaroo!"

Bonnie:

Yes, Seam is absolutely devastated with guilt. Not a day goes by where he doesn't feel horrible for what he did to Jevil.. And despite your point, Jevil holds nothing against him. Not anymore, and here's why.

Jevil was there when the king threatened Seam. When the king commanded him to lock Jevil away. It was very clear from the situation that the King would hurt or even kill Seam if he did not obey. Seam was torn, tears streaming down his face. He was shaking.. He had no choice. It was lock Jevil up, or face the Kings wrath. He had to.. if he didn't, both of them would probably have been slaughtered..

He doesn't resent Seam for locking him up. He knows he had to. But after years of being down there.. Jevil did develop a bit of resentment over Seam never visiting him. He always expected Seam to sneak down to the dungeon to see him.. but he never did.. that he resented a bit.

But as soon as he escaped, and found out why Seam never visited.. that resentment all vanished.

Seam tried to visit Jevil. But he was caught. And what was his punishment? His eye was gouged out, his mouth stitched shut, and heavy shackles clasped around his neck and wrists. He was told of he ever tried to visit Jevil again. The king would kill them both.

How could Jevil hold any resentment after that? There was nothing else Seam could have done..

I think it was the opposite. Jevil saw the danger of the situation. It was clear that if Seam didn't lock Jevil up, the King would likely kill them both.

Seam was extremely hesitant. He was crying, he didn't want to lock him up..

Instead of begging the king for mercy, knowing the king would not listen. Jevil probably just tried to comfort Seam..

"Seam.. i-its ok... j-just.. just do it... just do what he says.."

I don't think I ever gave them claws.. I suppose if the situation calls for it they'll magically have them XD Not sure about scratching post though, they'd more likely just want to use a nail file :0

I sat on this ask and thought about it for a while.. and every time I think about it I picture the same scenario..

Asgore comforting a neutral route Undyne..

@beryl-shade

I'd like to think that Bibi can because he's very cat-like. but Cici? Mayyybe not? <XD She's more mouse-like to me.

@britneyt

WOAH HANG ON!- I cant make THAT many arms! XDD

Also thank you! Good night/day to you as well! :}}}

Oh yeah, it likely happens a lot. :( And you know Jevil is either gonna deny it, or curl up under a blanket and refuse to let anyone touch him in an attempt to not spread it..

#my response #undertale #deltarune #seam and jevil #seam deltarune #jevil #tw descriptions of gore #fnaf security breach #factual fam

[rin-fukuroi]

𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟐 [𝐋𝐮𝐨𝐜𝐡𝐚]

Please do not translate or publish my works without my permission.

If you want to support me and read my other works that won't be on Tumblr, you can always do it on my Boosty~

Part 1

Fandom: Honkai: Star Rail

Pairings: uncle!Luocha x niece!fem!reader

Warnings: NSFW, modern AU, a hint of incest, yandere, some wet fantasies of Luocha.

▶• ılıılıılıılıılıılı. 黄龄 - 只有猫知道

Note: English is not my native language, so I apologize if there are errors in the text qq

I'm sorry, i completely forgot to upload the second part to Tumblr, although i wrote it a week ago, ahahahah. Someday i'll stop forgetting that i have a Tumblr, and will upload here all the dozens of works that i have written, but were too lazy to translate it into english XD

He thought you were mature enough to realize who really cared for you. A cruel time separated the two of you, but Luocha knew it would be good for you. Separation breeds longing, and longing spreads the petals of dormant feelings. You missed him, and it would be foolish to hide it, because Luocha could see in your face how much you missed him. Of course, because he was the only one who supported you, the only one who cared about you, and the only one you could depend on. And that is the unchanging truth.

Luocha acted rashly as he continued to chastise himself for impatience, which was uncharacteristic of him. With your departure, you left him in a slight state of confusion, covered with a fleur of inexplicable enthusiasm. He replays in his memories the silhouette of your figure, the velvety softness of your skin, those lovely cheeks powdered with embarrassment, and doesn't understand how everything could end so badly… Luocha is a reserved person, patient and compliant when the situation demands it, and he never planned to act so abruptly with you, now wondering what prompted him to do exactly that? You were too beautiful in your loss and gray apathy, which he skillfully decorated with bright colors with just your presence. It's very pleasant to realize that, like life-giving water and light that make fading flowers bloom, he has awakened the old warmth in your wounded heart. You are indeed like the enchanting white lily flower, pure and innocent, that he tried to defame.

And Luocha has no regrets. His only regret is that he made the first move too early.

You both need a little more time. You should get over the stress, calm down, and then you're bound to come to the conclusion that your beloved uncle simply couldn't have wanted to hurt you. And Luocha needs to tame her demons. It's not time to set them free yet, because then he risks destroying what he has been building so diligently for years. And how lucky that you left him a small gift, thanks to which he holds on for a whole week, so as not to snap and show up at your doorstep.

Luocha can clearly see his long fingers sliding over your skin, squeezing your seductive sides as he makes his way to your breasts. Oh, if you only knew how much effort it took for him to restrain himself from falling into that elastic warm flesh. Luocha wanted so badly to feel your nipples harden on his tongue, wanted to know what your naked breasts would look like when you lay beneath him, wanted to hear what your voice would sound like, relaxed and quiet, soaked in pure pleasure. And only these thoughts keep his insane impulses in check.

It's so exciting to be standing at your door. No, not because Luocha feels guilty, but because he can't wait to see you again. He knows you're home, he's seen your car parked outside, but you take so long to open the door that your uncle gets worried. You couldn't have known he was coming, couldn't have seen him coming up to your house, could you? And if you did, do you still hold a grudge against him?

— I'm coming, coming... — Luocha hears your tired voice outside the door and your slow footsteps after the next bell rings, and all worries seem to melt away in sweet anticipation. He'll see you again.

As soon as your footsteps are hushed and your uncle realizes you've come to the door, an uncomfortable silence hangs. You must have seen him through the peephole, but he doesn't hear the click of the lock or any other sounds. As soon as this door opens, he'll be reunited with you, his beloved niece, whose separation lasted like an eternity, but why are you delay? Should he say something?

— What are you doing here? — you ask quietly, and Luocha hears your hand press against the door on the other side.

— Y/N, I'm sorry. I know I've been acting weird, it won't happen again.

«And I'm not lying to you, Y/N»

— Now everything will be different.

«That's right. Now I'll do everything I can to make you want to reach out to me»

— Open the door, let's talk. I'm worried about you.

«No one else in this world cares more about you than I do»

After a few seconds of stifling silence, Luocha hears you cough and his heart flutters in his chest. Are you sick?

There's a loud click, and the doors slowly swing open in front of the tall blond man. Luocha has prepared much better today than in your last meeting. He wants to erase the line that separates you, so he chose the best suit he had in his wardrobe. The black color contrasts so vividly with the white robe that you are usually used to seeing on him, and a small sweet gift in a bag in his hand should cheer you up and diversify the list of familiar treats that he shared with you after the reception.

— I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting guests, so the house is a bit of a mess, but you can come in if you want, — you open the door, and Luocha’s gaze is instantly drawn to the way you wrap your palms around your shaking shoulders, leaning unnaturally against the doorjamb. Your face looks so exhausted, your hair is disheveled as if you haven't touched a comb in days, and your t-shirt and homemade shorts look untidily rumpled.

— Y/N, are you shivering? — long fingers tighten on the handle of the paper bag while worried green irises run over your tired face.

— It's just a cold, nothing special. Like I said, I just wasn't waiting...

— I'm sorry... — your uncle whispers unintelligibly, and just as you're about to ask what he's apologizing for, Luocha leans forward, suddenly placing her palm on top of your head before bending down and pressing his lips to your forehead.

— W-what are you...!

— You have a fever. How long have you been sick? Have you taken any medicine? We need to get you to bed, — Luocha grips your hands anxiously, reflexively pressing his index and middle fingers against one of your wrists, feeling your rapid pulse.

— I don't… I don't know, a couple of days. I thought it was a cold, so I just slept and…

— Where's your bedroom? — your uncle doesn't even seem to be listening, hurriedly slamming the door and casually leaving the package on the table in the hallway.

It's not exactly what he was hoping for.

✧ ✧ ✧

Luocha involuntarily remembers you when you were very young, when he also helped you cope with a cold, hurrying from work as soon as possible after your mother's call. You've grown up, but you still look charmingly helpless when he puts a pill in your mouth, holding a glass of water to your lips. A small, sweet creature, shivering under the covers. Your uncle's heart is splitting apart at the thought of you feeling bad, but surely you can forgive him this little sin of enjoying the fact that you need him?

— Why didn't you call me?

— I didn't want to bother you about nothing.

«Lie»

— Y/N, whatever happens between us, I'll always be ready to come and help you... I know it's hard to forgive my transgression, but you are my family, and that's always the case. Please don't take on any more burdens that you can't carry alone. You're not alone.

There is some peace in wiping your forehead with a damp towel while you pout guiltily, hiding your lips under a fluffy blanket. Luocha wanted to take the first step towards changing your attitude towards him, but in the end he remains for you only a caring uncle who worries about your health. If it wasn't necessary, he would have hated himself the second he allowed his intentions to falter, but now… now he will allow you to see only your close relative and a doctor in him once again, saving your fragile life.

— Thank you... — you mumble softly into the blanket, guiltily averting your gaze, and Luocha's hand stops hanging over your forehead, and the light green eyes widen, fixing their gaze on your trembling eyelashes. — I'm sorry that I, well… ran away then.

Oh, are you really apologizing to him? He didn't hear it, did he?

— I think we were both out of our minds that day. It's okay, — Luocha smiles softly, tucking the wet towel back into the small bowl of water on your bedside table.

— I always thought you were too kind, — you chuckle wryly, then cough and wrap yourself even tighter in the blanket.

— Is it bad?

— I don't know... I'm not sure I deserve it.

— You deserve all the best in the world, Y/N, — did he really say that out loud? For a moment, Luocha’s heart froze in his chest with a prick of consternation, but another of your laughs made the man relax. — Ahem... Okay, you need to rest.

He really should leave you now. Although your uncle really doesn't want to leave you so soon, you'll hardly be happy if he continues to sit on your bed until you fall asleep. He'd like to see you sleep...

— W-wait! — as soon as Luocha gets up from the edge of your bed, you suddenly take your hand out from under the covers, wrapping it around the man's wrist, forcing him to sit back down. What's gotten into you? Do you want him to stay? Why?

— Do you need something else? — he regains his composure, as does that eternal charming smile on Luocha's lips when he covers your palm with his own. Your hands are so small and so cold. If only he could hold them in his for a little longer, but it will definitely make you uncomfortable...

— Since you've traveled so far to see me, maybe... Will you stay the night?

Oh, are you afraid to be alone? Luocha wanted to offer you the same thing, but it would sound… a little awkward from him. But if you ask him to do it yourself, how can he refuse his sweet niece?

— If you need it, Y/N, of course I'll stay. On my way to the bedroom, I noticed a sofa in your living room, so I'll spend the night on it.

— No! — you squeeze Luocha’s wrist harder, suddenly exclaiming loudly before you cough again, burying your nose in the blanket. — I... Can I ask you to lie down with me?

Your uncle allowed for the possibility that you might miss him, but this… Why are you asking him for something like this after the way he behaved in your last meeting?

«Do you really...»

No, no, your attitude towards him couldn't have changed in a week, it's just impossible. But even if that's the case, he still shouldn't let his guard down. You are so seductively asking him for something like this, probably completely unaware of how he feels after such an innocent request that fell from your lips, but he should keep his cool.

Luocha opens his eyes wide and raises eyebrows, looking at you peeking out from under the warm blanket.

— I'm not sure if that would be a good idea...

— P-please... I'm so cold, — you say pitifully, and Luocha falls silent with his lips open before he closes mouth, slowly running his thumb along the back of your palm.

He'll be able to touch you. He'll be able to hug you. He'll be able to inhale the smell coming from your body, and not the things that you recklessly left in his house. He'll be able to hear you breathing steadily, slowly sinking into sleep.

You're probably not yourself because of the fever. What if in the morning, when the temperature drops, you get mad at him again? Luocha can't take that risk, but he's so damn eager to agree to your tempting offer. He's not a gambler, he's used to sticking to a premeditated strategy, even if it will lead him to the goal only after many years. Luocha was willing to wait as long as it took, but wasn't his goal to make you want him? Doesn't what you're asking him for mean that your attitude towards him has already begun to change?

— Okay. I'll stay with you.

Though Luocha can't see your lips, your eyes tell him much more when you loosen your grip on his wrist, tucking your hand back under the blanket. You're glad. And he's the one who makes you smile again.

Luocha gets out of bed, carefully shrugging off his jacket. His hands reflexively reached for the belt on his trousers, but suddenly only paused for a moment on the buckle before moving to the tie, carefully untying it around the collar of the white shirt.

It's so unusual to get on your bed while you crawl closer to the wall, giving up your place on the next pillow and turning to face him. You've never spent a night together before, although Luocha would be blatantly lying if he said that he never wanted this, especially since the day you returned to him two years later.

You sniffle softly, huddling on your side of the bed as Luocha lifts the covers, settling down next to you before covering you both again now. Ah… your bed smells exactly like that bra he keeps carefully under his pillow. A sweet, alluring scent that envelops his heart with warmth, like this very blanket. Everything here smells of you.

— Luocha, your suit...

— Don't worry, I'll come home before my shift.

— You're leaving in the morning? — you ask in an almost upset voice. Probably, Luocha is already asleep and has the most charming dream of all possible.

— If you want, I can try to take a day off...

— No, no, no! No need, I can handle it on my own.

He didn't answer you. He should probably just close his eyes and try to fall asleep, but how hard is it to do that when Luocha hears your breathing so clearly… But it gets even more difficult when you move closer, pressing your forehead against his collarbones. You're shaking, desperately holding onto your own shoulders, and your uncle only hesitates for a couple of seconds before succumbing to the irresistible urge to hug you. He knows like no one else that the chills will stop tormenting you only when the antipyretic takes effect, but his heart breaks to shreds when he sees you so defenseless and reaching for him.

— Thank you… — this is the last thing Luocha heard before the silence in the room was filled with your charming snuffling, and your body relaxed in his arms, gradually ceasing to tremble.

Luocha is a little ashamed that he was coming to you with the intention of destroying this wall separating you from him, however… Why did he feel it crack so clearly at the moment when you first called him by his name?

— Good night, Y/N.

#headcanons #hsr #hsr x reader #honkai:star rail #honkai:star rail x reader #hsr drabbles #luocha #luocha x reader #luocha x you

[nie7027]

Related to the all persona au I have that I have briefly mentioned before...

I've been thinking about my headcanon of how persona users become stronger/more powerful the longer they have had their powers and how that coupled with my headcanon about how the P1 and P2 casts are leagues more powerful than the neo persona casts (a single person from P1 or P2 would be able to take the the whole SEES or the Investigation or the Phantom Thieves on their own) because unlike the neo persona casts they received their powers directly from Philemon while the neo casts received it from the remnants of Philemon's power that Igor has means the P1 cast HAS to be introduced before the P2 casts in my all persona au.

Because the P1 cast being the ones to receive their powers first (and from Philemon) are the most powerful of them but they are also the ones who have been able to grow up accustomed to that power, to learn to control it as it develops and be aware of the huge responsability of it whereas the P2 cast didnt have that chance.

They are time bombs.

They have a huge amount of power they don't know how to control, they never got to learn how. Due to their circumstances they aren't even aware of the great power they have. They have no memories of that.

And if the memories ever return they would cause such an emotional overload that it would leave the person completely unstable. If only for a few minutes.

A few minutes too much considering the great amount of power they are unaware they have.

Decades of power they never learned to control accumulated along with mental unstability... That's an extremely dangerous combination

They are time bombs only someone from the P1 cast would be able to manage, not someone from P3/P4/P5 (maybe Minato/Minako but they are... you know.... Dead....speaking of Ryoji would also definitely be able to take them on but yeah he's unavailable too)

Even someone like the Real Tatsuya who actually got to grew up using his power isn't free of that because yeah he has decades of experience using his power but he also was trapped in a post apocalyptic dimension filled with shadows.

He's traumatized.

He lived for decades in a permanent high stress environment with next to no support (or none at all if he lost Katsuya at some point which is most likely the way im going) and accustomed to using his power without any constraint (there's only shadows around him, there's no need to care if he goes over the top and destroys everything in his path).

Upon returning to this side Tatsuya will be unaccustomed to living in a society, to having to restrain his power. And he will be in another highly stressing environment except completely different from what's he's used to because all will come from his head. His trauma.

He will hear a dog bark(having no heard anything but shadows for years) and he will go completely nuke over it in mere seconds launching super powerful attacks before he can even realize what hes doing. Just pure instinct and reflex he had to forge to survive the way he lived but that it's no longer useful to him here, back in the normal world.

He will need a therapist.

And Maki will be perfect for the job.

Not only is she a psychologist and a persona user who received her power directly from Philemon even before Tatsuya(so actually more powerful than him, if not one of the most powerful even in her own group) but she's also someone close to Tatsuya. Someone he knew and considered a friend.

Maki would know this and probably prepared for years for this (never losing hope that she would someday help the kids she couldn't help when she was younger).

She would appoint herself as Tatsuyas therapist the moment he steps back into our world, already applying all the psychology techniques she knows to help Tatsuya start processing his trauma way before Tatsuya or anyone else even realizes what she's doing.

It also fits nicely in my au because she's already also Akechis therapist which gives me an excuse to give them something in common, something that would help them get to know each other and bond over.

I imagine either Akechi or Tatsuyas exiting Maki's temporal office in the Shadows ops headquarters just as the other is arriving for their respective session and making small talk while Maki gets ready to receive the other.

Or them talking/complaining about the exercises Maki has ordered them to do and how much they frustrate them.

Just. I love when the au builds on its own

#persona 5 #persona 2 #persona 1 #tatsuya suou #goro akechi #p5 #p2 #p1 #i really need to come up with a tag for this au #maki sonomura #nie's writing

[pauking5]

Addicting Taste Chapter 4

Synopsis: Enishi Yukishiro was on a mission to execute his piece de la resistance. A plan to avenge his beloved sister. Until you showed up. Will you be a part of his downfall or will you try to save him?

Pairing: Enishi Yukishiro x reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, sunshine and sunshine protector, comedic relief, slow burn, a lot of fluff, occasional smut (soon), angst

Word count: 8.9k+

A/N: This chapter is full of angst I would say. Enishi's true nature comes out a lot and he vents his frustrations on Miyu. Please don't hate me :') This is only the calm before the storm.

Powered by Mackenyu’s outstanding portrayal of Enishi’s character in Rurouni Kenshin: The Final, I hereby present you a story ripped from the figments of my mind. I hope you’ll love their story as much as I do. Enjoy lovelies, Paula.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Previous Next Bonus Chapter 6

Enishi's brain was playing a rerun of today's events as he walked the hallway to his office. The smile that stamped his lips seemed to not want to leave at all after the moment in your room. The way you cuddled up to him made that cold heart of his thaw over. You looked like the smallest creature on earth seeking comfort in the presence of your biggest predator. That’s when it hit him that you weren't afraid of him. And it confused him.

People were always throwing him disapproving looks, calling him heartless and all kinds of insults in just one breath. But they could barely muster the courage to look his way without a chill running down their spine. They were afraid of him and he used that to his advantage every time he needed to. But you were different. He was taken aback by your compassion and warmth. It was something he hasn’t felt since his sister. Tomoe.

He stopped in his tracks in the dark hallway as the thought of her crossed his mind, your favourite painting sitting stark before him. He recalled the day he made it, a heavy weight tightening around his heart at the memory. He painted it after one of his hardest days, when his mind couldn't give him the respite he needed.

He was sitting in his office, plans scattered across the desk, stressed out of his mind. He felt suffocated in this big and empty house, so he furiously left the mansion in search of a way to breathe. Taking to the wooden trail up the hills, he climbed until his feet felt sore and his lungs were gasping for air. The earlier rainfall tore apart at the forest, the same way his mind was destroying everything in its wake.

Reaching the opening in the trees overlooking the village he settled on the ground, dirt sticking to his clothes. He tried to fight his thoughts away, gripping his chest in a plea to push some air inside. He kicked and punched his emotions until he couldn't fight them anymore, letting himself be consumed. Everything suddenly became too much. Feeling, seeing, tasting turned into the hardest tasks.

It felt like death was upon him, knocking on his door with a sick grin. But he couldn't go just yet. He couldn't go in peace until he avenged her. He didn't believe in god but he raised all the prayers he could for anyone to hear him and help. Help him find the way back to the light that left his world.

Just when he thought all resolve was gone to shit, he got a response. Warm rays of sun hit his cold skin, willing him to regain some of his energy. Opening his eyes he sat up from his curled position on the ground and looked ahead. A sunset rose on the horizon, drenching the hills into a vivid green, the valley below dressed in a warm orange. The cold hills appeared to warm up as the sun turned golden in the sky.

As far away as the sun felt, it managed to comfort him. It let him know he was not alone, drying the salty tears falling down his face. That's when he found solace in this place. A place where he could let himself be even just for a while without prying eyes or battle plans clouding his mind. Just breathing, existing and feeling.

He didn't even know how long he was sitting there until the slow fall of night darkened the crests of the hills in a dark shade of blue. The valley was still basking in the warmth of the sun's last rays for the day. The hills looked willing to let the cold and darkness surround them just to see the valley this bright and warm. They would sit and face the chaos of the world just to see the valley full of light. It was like a secret promise of protection until time would end.

He wanted to protect someone like that too, even after failing to do that for his sister. He had all this power with nothing real to use it for and he wanted to give it a shot. He would face the world with all his might if it meant he could feel warmth like this again.

When he got back to the mansion, he scrambled for an empty canvas and pulled up the colours stacked in the desk drawers. He painted the scenery the best he could, pouring out everything he felt onto the canvas before him. He took extra care in capturing the light the right way, desperately flicking the brush to make it as warm as possible. A smile sat on his lips as he hung it in the hallway, making a wish for light to come his way.

You surprised him. It was almost every evening since you came here that he caught you in front of the painting, studying it like a student trying to understand its teacher. He felt exposed every time you traced the lines with your eyes, hoping you wouldn't be able to notice the intense emotions dangling off the canvas. He thought you would scrutinise him like everyone else, calling him a fool for trying to put his heart into something. But you didn't. You liked looking at the painting almost as much as he did making it and that connected you.

That was why he decided to take you up on the trail, trying to open up to you in the only way he could. You were like an open book, letting him fly through your pages anytime he wanted to know more, so naturally he felt compelled to give back a piece of him. Even if it felt small compared to everything you gave him in the short time you've been together.

Sitting there with you looking at the same sunset that brought hope back in his being when the sky came down on him at full force, he felt comforted by entirely something else. Your presence. It felt stronger than the sun's warmth. He couldn't settle the weird nerves crawling up his spine as he looked at you, shining in the sun like some divine being. His mind was going a hundred miles an hour, swarming with all kinds of thoughts. Until one hit him like a train at full speed.

Was the one he was supposed to protect now... you?

This question was enough to mess with his head as he made his way to his office. Sitting down in the chair he let his eyes wander over the maps and plans laying on the desk in a chaotic mess. He wasted precious time getting caught up in feelings that probably weren't even real.

What if you were going to mess up his plans even more than you already have? He did take you in on a weak moment, he had to admit that. It was merely a favor he returned because he was a man of his word. But you were at most a distraction, a fleeting moment meant to catch him off guard, as his mind convinced him.

He wasn't stupid to kick away all his hard work for some strange feeling he had that might have been fabricated by the little conscience he had left. He wanted warmth. He needed it. But what if the warmth you gave him was not genuine? Was it just empty sympathy?

His fist collided with the desk to snap him out of spiraling. What he truly needed was to get his head back in the game and continue with the plan. He was far from ready to take on the man that took away his world.

He was going to train you harder to minimise the time lost on sweet gazes and chaste touches. If you were going to get to the level of everyone else you needed to show him you wanted it. Even if that meant pushing you away and making you hate him.

—————————————————————————

Warm rays of sun tickled your face urging you to wake up. The comfort of the blanket draped over you covered the sweaty smell coming off your clothes. Rolling around in the cozy space of the bed you sighed and stretched your arms above your head. A yawn brought yesterday’s events rushing in leaving you a little confused.

Enishi showed you a side of himself you didn't think could exist under that cold attitude he carried around. He took you on that hike for good reason and you were grateful for it. He seemed so at peace up there on the hill, like the world stopped spinning for a while, letting him feel it through every bone in his body. His cold facade was melting away with the sunset and he looked beautiful. The kind of beautiful you thought was reserved for angels in heaven.

Your mind took you back to the descent down the hill when he held your hand to help you down some of the steep rocks. He was so gentle with you and it made your insides become mush. He could be so soft despite the harsh way he was training you...

"Training! Oh god, I'm so late," you screeched as you jumped out of bed. You washed up at lightning speed and put on fresh training clothes on autopilot.

"I'm in deep shit. He's going to kill me."

You ran around the hallways the fastest your feet could take you. Passing by the kitchen you quickly downed a glass of water and a banana to give you some energy for at least a few hours. Dashing outside the doors to the terrace, you saw him leaning against a tree. His arms were secured over his broad chest, jaw slightly twitching as he caught sight of you slowly approaching.

He pushed off the tree not sparring one look at you, shoulders rolled back in a defensive manner. Was something wrong?

Coming closer he leaned down and threw something at you. Catching the foreign item you noticed it was a bo staff. A long red oak stick sitting heavy on your hands as you balanced it around to get a feel for it. You knew its agility was an advantage in a fight, easily becoming an extension of its owner's energy if used correctly.

"We're sparring today," he said as he got his own staff off the ground.

"Sparring? I don't even know how to use this-" you were cut off as a hit came your way, catching you unprepared, shielding yourself just before it could smash into your side.

Okay... Did someone pee in his tea today?

Sparring was difficult considering you were defending against a martial arts connoisseur. Every time you defended a hit on your left, your right side was left uncovered, earning you a smack from his staff. You had no idea what you were doing but kept going, thrusting your staff around with no actual direction of where you wanted your swings to go. You got excited whenever you managed to send a strong hit down on him only to get caught off guard when he would catch it, shoving you back double the force.

"You can't defend yourself," he huffed pointing out the obvious.

"No shit, Sherlock."

He continued the attack, every blow coming in faster and stronger than the last. He even started combining aerial moves with the swings of the staff for extra force. If you couldn't defend the hits before you definitely couldn't keep up now.

He almost got your head off your shoulders in a horizontal swipe of his staff, but you managed to slide down to the ground before it could happen. You jumped back a few meters away from him to catch your breath. He was being too aggressive in his training today. Did I do something to upset him?

"Is this about me being late?" you said, trying to will some air back into your lungs. Getting no response from him you looked over to where he was standing.

There was something weird about his energy today. He had that storm catching speed behind his irises again, knuckles turning white from the iron grip he had on the bo. He looked ready to plunge that stick through you if you weren't threading carefully around him.

As dangerous and wild as he appeared you saw straight through him. He was being this rough on purpose, trying to push you to your limit in hopes your instincts would kick in.

Before you knew it he charged at you again and your weapons collided with a loud crack. The force with which he came at you pushed you backwards, making it difficult to keep the hold on your staff. Willing the wobbling muscles in your arms to keep going you tried to match his pace, fighting his raw strength the more he forced his staff down on yours. You tried so hard to find a way out of his attack that you didn't even realise your back hit the tree trunk behind you.

This wasn't training anymore. He looked like he actually wanted to kill you. The more he pressed down on his staff the more yours cracked down the middle, sending little ripples down the upper and lower parts. One last push of his bulky arms made your staff cave in and break in half, leaving you defenseless. Enishi's staff continued to press down on your neck as you tried to push it away with the little energy you had left.

"Stop!" you yelled, but he didn't seem to hear you. He was far too lost inside his mind to come back to the real world, eyes roaring as they bore into yours. You were nothing but prey to him.

"Enishi, snap out of it!"

At the sound of your broken voice he froze. His pupils decreased back to a normal size and his breathing evened, the hold on his staff going limp. Shaking his head he looked at you, lowering the weapon away from your throat. You bent over to catch your breath, leaning your trembling hands on your knees to support you. By the time you straightened back up he was already gone, his staff discarded by the broken remains of yours.

What the fuck just happened?

—————————————————————————

He acted even weirder the next few days, leaving you to train by yourself most of the time. You took the time to get a better form on your bo staff, practicing your hits on wooden dummies you found laying around. Practicing by yourself gave you a chance to enhance your skills, making your hits gain power and improving your balance.

You tried to focus but your mind was elsewhere, a certain mophead occupying it. You could tell he was stressed by something from the way his personality did a 360 spin towards asshole land out of nowhere. You hated the way he shut you out.

The door to his office was locked tight every time you passed by. You wanted to ask him what was going on, see what you could do to help, but every time your hand lifted to knock on it you froze and laid your palm flat on the door. With a heavy sigh you would trudge back to your room and sit awake, hoping he would come out sooner or later.

He finally showed up for training one morning, glasses sitting idly on the bridge of his nose trying to cover the dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hasn't slept in days. His eyes were looking at a spot next to you, darting everywhere but into yours.

A few sets of knives were set out on a table a few feet away from what looked like a bullseye target. Walking towards the table you recognised the weapon: the kunai. A sleek 30 cm blade with a round handle, easy to hide and deadly in close combat. He probably assumed mastering the kunai should be easily at the same level with your shooting abilities, which was debatable.

He stood over on the side and watched as you analysed the weapons. Weighing one of the double sets in your hand you noticed they were the same as your twin pistols, just a little on the lighter side. You didn't wait for his directions as you positioned one in your hand. Visualising where you wanted it to hit the target like a bullet, you swung your arm backwards, angled it and threw it towards the target.

Anticipation built up in you as you watched it twist for its destination. Maybe you found something else you were good at. Your optimism was quickly destroyed as the knife fell three circles away from the center of the target, jaw dropping in confusion. My aim couldn't be this bad, right?

Picking up another one from the pile on the table, you went for a different arm technique. Swinging the knife from the other side of your body with a lot more force from your torso than your previous throw, you watched as it barely got stuck in the outer layer of the bullseye.

What is this fuckery? Has my aim gotten this shitty?

You took more of the kunai and tried again, desperately trying to hit the red spot in the middle. Each time you threw a knife it barreled through the air rapidly only to avoid getting stuck anywhere in the damn target. You were seeing red, frustration gripping you the more you tried. There was no way you couldn't control any other weapon besides your guns. You had to get the hang of at least one but it felt impossible.

An idea popped into Enishi's head and he made his way to the target. He positioned himself in front of it arms wrapped securely around his torso. You tilted your head at him, confusion swimming in your brain. What was he doing?

"Throw the knives."

His tone sounded so casual as if he asked you to make him tea, not to decorate him like a Christmas tree with combat knives.

"What? You mean throw them at you?"

He nodded showing you he was hellbent on this incredibly stupid idea. You shook your head in refusal, but he wasn't going to budge from that spot until you did what he instructed.

"What if I stab you or something by accident? This is stupid."

"Just throw the knives," he said, sharp glare piercing you, making chills run down your spine.

You took one of the few available kunai left on the table and turned towards him. Taking a few deep breaths to calm your nerves you considered the few possible outcomes. If you were successful you would live to tell the tale. If you weren't cautious you could injure or worse, stab him somewhere vital by mistake. All these scenarios clouded your mind, making your hands shake slightly.

I can't do this. I can’t have blood on my hands again.

"We don't have all day."

That was enough to push your buttons, rage slowly flooding your veins. He was acting like a dick to you while you were working your hardest. He didn't show up to your training for countless days and he was the one throwing a tantrum.

Getting into a throwing stance, you lifted up the knife and pushed it forwards with as much force as you could muster. Watching as it left the safety of your palm and headed straight for Enishi, all your reason fell apart. The earlier anger was replaced by horror as you watched it closing in on him. You were praying he would get out of the way before it was too late. But he didn't move an inch.

Closing your eyes to avoid witnessing a possible crime of your own doing, you listened for the impact. When no sound came from the other side you opened your eyes to see Enishi holding the kunai with his bare hand, a hairsbreadth off his face. Releasing the breath you were holding you struggled to contain your rage. What if he didn’t catch it in time? What if his face was now a bloody mess? He could have gotten seriously injured and all I could do was sit and watch.

His face sported that sick grin of his and you couldn't hold back your tongue anymore.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" you gritted out, trying to get your shaky hands under control.

"What?"

"What?! I could have injured or worse, killed you!"

"But you didn't," he chuckled. "And frankly, I don't think you would be able to do that."

"Excuse me?"

"I thought giving you a real target would help with your limitations. But as it turns out, you can't even aim properly at anything. How did you even learn how to shoot with an aim this shitty?"

"Why are you suddenly being a dick?"

"I'm just telling you the truth. You can't keep hiding behind Barairo just because you're scared," he spat out as he walked closer to you. "It makes you look like a coward."

"I'm not listening to this shit,” you say turning away from him to make your way inside. You couldn’t be in the same space as him right now without strangling him. Before you could get far his hand latched onto yours spinning you around to face him.

“Running away already?” he taunted, adding to your irritation.

“No. I’m done listening to your bullshit,” you say shoving his arm off of you roughly, his eyes widening at your outburst.

“You think I haven’t tried? I’ve been trying my hardest ever since you agreed to train me. I’ve done everything in my power to become better at shit I’ve never done before. Because you told me I could make the worst parts of me become the best," you said, voice slightly breaking.

"The least you could do is show me some respect as your student, the same way I show it to you as my teacher instead of treating me like I'm nothing,” you spat and turned around, leaving him in the middle of the garden.

Tears threatened to spill on your cheeks and you couldn’t let him see you like that. He didn’t deserve your tears. You ran inside your room and locked the door, angrily throwing your shoes around the room. Sitting down on the floor in front of your bed you brought your knees up to your chest. Your mind started spiraling out of control again.

What if he’s right? What if I’m hiding behind who I used to be like a coward? What if I really can’t get better at anything?

You couldn’t stop the tears cascading down your cheeks in currents. You were angry with yourself and the aching in your muscles from the endless training made it all too much. Violent sobs wracked you as you let out the built up frustration from the last few days.

You hated him. He took your trust and stepped on it like it was a bug crawling on the floor. He crossed you once again, just like the night he left you to fend for yourself and you felt like a fool for thinking he wanted to help you. You were nothing but a pawn in whatever scheme he was playing, easily discarded whenever he wanted to.

You wished you were back home with your parents, laughing at the trouble you would get yourself into with the maids. To have your mom patch you up as your dad gave you an earful. To feel cared for again.

Mom, dad, I need you. Please come back to me.

—————————————————————————

Enishi was back in his office, barricading himself away from the world. On the way back from the garden he passed by your room and heard your frantic sobs. He wanted to knock on the door and comfort you, begging for you to forgive him. But his pride got the best of him.

I hurt her. She was trying her best and all I did was push her away. I'm a monster.

He got up from his chair and pushed everything on top of his desk to the floor. Leaning his hands on the empty wood he huffed a few breaths trying to steady his racing heart.

I wanted to protect her. To help her come out of hiding and show her that she can become the best . But I broke her trust again.

He threw his chair across the room knocking down a few swords onto the floor. He was losing control again and there was no coming back from it this time.

I hurt her the way I let people hurt me. I promised her I would help and I failed. The same way I failed Tomoe.

—————————————————————————

You cried your eyes out until there was nothing left to cry. The darkness surrounding your room told you it was the late hours of the night. Rain started pouring outside a few hours ago, accompanying the sadness you were feeling.

Cold and quiet. That was how your heart felt right now. It seemed like the mansion mirrored your sorrow, no sound of humanity present in its hallways. The same hollowness walked the walls of your heart.

It felt like the world stopped the minute you let your walls down. You felt numb, sitting in the same position you were in when you locked yourself in the room. You didn’t move an inch, afraid it would do more damage than good.

Your stomach grumbled and you whined in protest. All you wanted was to stay in here, avoiding everything and everyone until the pain would go away. Avoiding him. But your stomach insisted you grab something to eat something before it would shut your system down.

With a huff you pushed yourself off the floor and stood upright. Stretching your body to get rid of the ache in your joints you walked over to the door. Unlocking it, you were surprised to see no one around. There were usually guards around walking the grounds on patrol but it seemed they were dismissed for the night.

You walked to the kitchen and looked in the cupboards for the leftover potato salad you made yesterday. You made a little extra in case he would want to eat some if he would come out of his office. It turned out he didn't even touch it, judging by the foil still wrapped around the pot to conceal its warmth. Sitting on a chair at the kitchen island you unwrapped the pot and dug into it, eating in silence. You watched as the rain fell down the kitchen window in rapid waves and sighed to yourself.

After you were done with the food you went over to the sink to wash it before you headed back to your room. You reached to turn on the on the tap freezing as your eyes focused on the window above the sink. The view of the garden made you panic as you saw a person sprawled on the ground. Your heart was stuck in your throat.

Grabbing the broomstick leaning by the door, you slowly pushed the doors to the terrace open. Your shoes were splashing against the puddles turning the green patio to mushy mud. The crisp air pierced your skin as you advanced towards the figure laying still on the grass.

Looking to your right your heart immediately softened. A drenched Enishi was laying on the ground in a star shape, rain ruthlessly hitting his face. You put the broom away and took slow steps in his direction until you stopped just beside his head.

His hair was sticking to his forehead in a wet mess. His eyebrows were scrunched up and his jaw was tense, looking like he was crying. He’s been laying here for quite a while considering that his clothes looked soaked beyond just a few raindrops. His eyes seemed lost so far away, gazing at the dark sky in search of something.

Crouching down you shook his shoulder, getting no reaction. Your clothes were getting soaked as well uncomfortably sticking to your body. The rain falling through your locks cascaded down on his face. Your warm hand met his icy cheek caressing it gently, action that got him to finally look at you.

“Hey,” you said softly.

He just looked at you. The way he was acting scared you. He looked absolutely broken and you had no idea what could have caused it. You rubbed soothing circles into his cheek and he faintly leaned into your touch.

“Enishi, talk to me.”

He just blinked and turned his head away from you, continuing to stare at the raindrops falling from the sky. You didn’t know why he was acting like this but it looked like it wasn’t the first time it happened.

“I want to help you,” you say hoping he would say something. But he only stayed still as a rock letting mother nature drop her sorrows on him.

Trying to think of what else you could do you did the only thing you could think of. Laying down on the ground in the same position he was in you turned your head to him. Your hand searched for his, locking your fingers between his cold ones once you found it. He turned to you and the look on his face made your grip on his hand tighten. His eyes were glazed over with unshed tears, reddish lines telling you he already shed enough before the rain covered his cheeks.

As mad as you were at him you weren’t going to leave him like this. You knew how bad it felt when you had no one to lean on whenever the world came crashing down. No one deserved to suffer alone.

His hand gripped yours like an anchor keeping him tethered to the real world, helping him find control again. He needed comfort and you were willing to give it to him for the time being.

So you both laid there, letting the rain wash away your hurt, your hands intertwined in a promise. A vow to never let each other hurt in silence like this ever again.

—————————————————————————

The rain clouds broke apart a while ago and you were still in the same position on the muddy ground of the garden. He made no move to get up so you did it first, eyes shooting up to you as you were sitting up. He looked at your hands afraid you would let go and he would fall back in the deep relentless ocean in his head. But you didn’t let go.

You moved to get him to sit up with you and he obliged with your actions. Getting to your feet your hand was pulled back by his. He was sitting on the ground his eyes sparkling and a pout on his lips. You thought he looked like a puppy. You pulled on his hand to make him get up but he didn’t budge. Sighing you crouched back down to his height and stroked his hair away from his face.

“Let’s go back inside,” you said softly.

He nodded and slowly got up with you. He waited for you to lead him inside so you did. You took small steps to the kitchen holding the door for him. Walking the long hallway you stopped in front of his room. He shook his head and you were confused. Wasn’t he going to change in his room?

“Where else do you want to go?”

He took the lead and lightly pulled you to your room. Pushing one of the double doors, he returned your earlier gesture and held it open for you.

“I’ll get us some towels,” you said as you made your way to the bathroom only to be stopped by the hand that was still holding yours.

“I’ll be right back,” you reassured him and he hesitantly let go of your hand.

You went over to the bathroom and grabbed every towel you could find. Coming back you found him sitting at the end of your bed, lost in thought again. You placed the pile of towels beside him and picked one up to dry his hair. Placing it on his head you started making your way through his gray locks, untangling them. You worked from the top of his head to the ends on his neck, drying up as much as you could. Before you could swipe the towel over his forehead his hands came up to rest on your wrists. It was only then you realised how close you were standing. He looked at you tilting his head in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, searching his eyes for anything that could hint at even more distress.

“Why are you helping me?” he croaked out, voice smaller than the wind blowing outside.

“Because I know how it feels like," you sighed, "to be alone with the world ripped from under your feet.”

His thumbs moved in circles on your wrist, a silent response to your confession. You took that as a sign to continue drying him up. When you were done with his hair you moved to the rest of his body. His blouse was sticking to him like a wet rag. He noticed your hesitation so he took off his blouse by himself, leaving only his navy tank top on.

“I can go get you some clothes—“

“Just stay here,” he said. His hands got hold of a new towel and his hand guided you to sit down on the bed next to him.

He started drying your hair this time, taking extra care to smoothen out the knots in your hair. He was gently drying it on all sides coming back to your face. He placed a few stray hairs behind your ear before patting down the droplets still running down your face. He pat your forehead stopping when he came up to your eyes. He noticed they were red and puffy just like his and he knew he was the reason for it. He hated himself for hurting you. He never wanted to do that. Setting the towel in his lap he looked down at his hands.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, a tone you haven’t heard from him before. He looked genuinely apologetic as he fidgeted with his fingers in his lap.

You placed a hand on top of his and rubbed your thumb in soothing circles to warm his cold hands. His eyes snapped up at you to see a soft smile forming on your lips.

How you could still smile after everything was beyond him. This must have been your secret power, comforting others when you yourself needed comforting. He realised your compassion and warmth were real and he admired you even more now than he already did.

“It’s okay," you replied. “I’m gonna go change. You sure you don’t want me to bring you some clothes?” He nodded and you made your way to the bathroom.

After you changed, you came out and he was in the same position you left him. You put the rest of the towels away on the vanity and moved to get under the covers. Exhaustion was knocking on your door after the day you had, feeling consumed and drained completely. Setting your head on your pillow and getting comfortable you looked at Enishi. He was still sitting at the end of your bed, clueless as to what to do with himself.

“You can… uhm… come up here. I don’t bite.” He turned his head to see you tucked in bed already. He didn’t mean to bother you any more than he did.

“Are you sure?”

You nodded and patted the place next to you. He got up and crawled his way up to the headboard laying down on his back. You turned on your side to look at him finding him gazing up at the ceiling mind pestering him again.

“You can talk to me. I’m here to listen.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to settle his nerves. He debated on whether he should tell you what was on his mind or not. What did he have to lose if he told you? The most you could do was push him away and call him a monster like everyone else. Taking a few more deep breaths, he spoke words no one else has heard before.

“Tomoe. That was my sister’s name.” He paused to gather his thoughts and you reached up to hold his hand, letting him know he could take his time. You weren't going to push him away and that made him relax.

“She was killed 13 years ago and I saw it happen. I couldn’t do anything to protect her.”

“I’m so sorry, Enishi,” you said rubbing his knuckles to try and soothe his pain a little. He squeezed your hand in appreciation.

“It’s okay. I’m planning to avenge her and make the one who took her away from me suffer,” he gritted through his teeth as his hand tensed in your hold. You wanted to know more about what happened to her but you knew it would be too much to ask of him right now.

“I left Japan and came here to build my resources and train until I became the best I could be. I dealt and fought until the Shanghai mafia became mine so I could lay the plans in my favour.”

At least now you knew why he was doing all this in the first place and why it meant so much to him. Losing the only family you had is like losing the only thing that made you mean something in this world. It scars you so deep that you can’t move forward without someone else supporting you on the way.

If avenging her was his wish, the last thing to get him moving on, you had to help him. You still didn’t know all the details but you knew enough to want to help him see this through.

“I’ll help you,” you said making him turn his head to you. A yawn made its way out of your mouth and you tried stifling it but failed. He thiught you looked like a lion cub.

“Let’s avenge your sister and find you some peace,” you said sleepily as exhaustion took over you. Your eyes closed and you gave in to the darkness of dreamland. You were going to help him no matter what.

Enishi turned on his side to get a better look at you and saw you were fast asleep. Your hand was still holding his hand and he felt a small smile come to his lips for the first time in a while. He pushed some stray hairs away from your face. He was so grateful to you. You came through just when he needed it the most. Like a miracle he's been waiting on for ao long.

Maybe his wish came true, but only time would be able to tell. What he did know was that he wasn't going to let his mind push you away anymore. He was going to protect you properly from now on.

Lifting up the duvet over the both of you he closed his eyes and let sleep take him, his hand securely holding yours between you.

—————————————————————————

You woke up the next day in the late afternoon, the warmth enveloping your hand still ghosting around your fingertips. Creeping your eyes open you shut them closed, a mild headache forming. Your stomach was growling you awake after it digested the last of the food you ate the day prior. You wanted to sleep some more but it just didn't want to let you.

Sitting up in bed you took notice of the smell of something cooking. Sniffing more of the essence floating through the air you realised it smelled like pancakes. You were either hallucinating from hunger or someone was actually making pancakes.

Slipping on shoes and tying a robe around you, you made haste for the kitchen. The aroma got more divine the closer you got and you could already taste the sweetness of the pancakes. Pushing open the doors you saw broad shoulders working busily on the stove, flipping the plump dough in the pan, pressing down with a spatula to get it baked evenly on all sides.

"Good morning," he said, sensing you behind him. He could easily recognise your light steps after the few weeks you've spent together.

"Good morning," you replied walking over to his spot near the stove. Peeking over his shoulder you noticed a plate stacked high with pancakes, red bean paste smoothly spread in the center.

"Are those dorayaki pancakes?" you asked, drool pooling at the side of your lips at the sight of the traditional confectionery. You haven't had those since you left Japan.

"Mhm," he nodded a smirk on his face at your reaction.

"Can I have one?" you asked, eyes twinkling in anticipation.

"No," he said seriousness taking over his face.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?" you yelled ready to throttle him until he started laughing.

"I'm joking," he chuckled. "You should've seen your face."

"Very funny. So, can I have one?"

"Of course you can. I made them for you after all."

Your heart melted. Dorayaki pancakes required an immense amount of focus in getting the dough right and if you didn't know the recipe properly you could mess it up and they could turn all mushy. He put time and effort into them considering how soft they were. And he made them for you.

He flipped another one on the pan and turned to see why you got so quiet. You had a pout on your face and your eyes were sparkling in the afternoon sun shining through the kitchen window. You looked nothing short of adorable and he had to physically restrain himself from pinching your cheeks. Your stomach growled loudly ruining the moment and he chuckled.

He grabbed the plate full of pancakes and put it on the kitchen island pulling out a chair for you. You sat down and thanked him, grabbing a fork to dig in. The soft dough melted in your mouth and the red bean paste tasted exactly like the street vendors in Japan made it. It was a taste of home away from home.

Enishi waited for your reaction, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding as you sighed happily chewing on a pancake. You looked like you enjoyed the small dessert and that made him happy. He wanted to do something for you to thank you for yesterday and to apologize.

"Is it good?"

"It's ahmazhing," you said with your mouth full making him shake his head.

"Come eat with me," you prodded pulling on the chair next to you. You pushed the plate closer as he sat down so you could share the pancakes. You ate in silence, silently gazing at each other when the other wasn't looking. You both wanted to say something and you both rushed in, accidentally speaking over each other.

"About yesterday," you started.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he said at the same time.

You both chuckled and went on to argue about who should go first. Finally giving in you let him go first.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I was a total jerk to you these past few days. I left you to train alone and I pushed you away instead of helping you learn things the right way."

"You forgot the part where you almost decapitated me with a wooden stick and almost killed me. With the same stick," you say trying to rub salt in the wound.

"Yeah, I'm sorry for that too. I got too carried away and I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that."

"What about the part where you made me throw knives at you?"

"Technically that was all you-"

"Don't push it mophead." At the sound of the nickname he let a small smile walk his lips. He didn't know why you kept calling him that but he kind of digs it. He wasn't going to tell you that though.

"Point is, I am sorry and I promise to not do that ever again."

"What you said out there was so way out of line," you say slowing down on the pancake you were chewing. You still felt the punch of his words drifting around your heart.

"I know. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I gave you my word that I'll help you become the best and I intend to do just that."

A comfortable silence sat in the air. His face was covered in regret as the sun's rays tried to reach him. He was trying to make it up to you which was probably way out of his character. Tension was wafting through the air in thick waves, so you decided to make the mood a little lighter.

"Sooooo... are these apologetic pancakes?"

"Only if you want them to be."

"You softie."

"Oh, shut up."

Things felt better between you now. You still needed to talk some things out but for the time being you were back on track. Whatever tried to sway you these past few days was long gone now.

Finishing up the dorayaki, you took the plate to the sink and got started on the dishes. Enishi joined you on the other side, wiping dry the utensils as you put them on the drying rack. Team work made the dream work and you were done cleaning up fairly quickly, the earlier sunset turning to nightfall.

Wiping his hands dry on the cloth his hand attached to your wrist to grab your attention.

“Come with me for a bit,” he said motioning you towards the door. He was leading the way again just like last night, hand gently resting on your wrist.

The office came into view and he pulled you inside. You haven’t been in there for a few days and the place looked pretty beaten up. Enishi left you standing in the middle as he went to pick up maps and papers off the floor next to his desk. You looked around and spotted a few swords laying on the ground, their scabbards on the walls empty.

Kneeling next to them you picked one of them up. The robust wooden hilt was decorated with metal motives ranging from animal details to florals. The blade was heavy on your hand, tilting it on the side to see the light reflect its sharpness. Something about this sword called out to you. A red tassel hung from its end, delicately floating around the sword. Enishi watched you inspect the sword, surprised to see you so keen on learning more about it as you moved it around.

“That’s called a jian. It’s more of a practice sword but it can still be used in combat.”

“What’s with the red tassel?”

“It’s meant to give you a reference point during a fight,” he said taking hold of your hand and placing it on the hilt with his on top. He manoeuvred your body into an attack position, his other palm resting on your hip to direct you.

“The tassel moves with the sword,” he moved your hands together to create a wave with the sword. “It gives you balance as your moves get more pronounced.”

He made a show of a relaxed horizontal line, lifting your hand up to then drag it down vertically. He was supporting most of the weight of the sword as he waved it around, letting you feel the strong pressure of his wrist against the weapon. His other hand guided your hips to move in sync with the swings.

“It can make your moves faster,” he exhaled as he went for a quick diagonal slash causing your bodies to get impossibly closer. You looked up at him to find him already starring down at you. Your hips were pressed firmly to his, both of your breaths quickening the more you stared at each other.

His adam’s apple bobbed down, the trunk of his neck now in your direct view. You didn't realise it was so defined until you stood this close to it. His red robe sat on his nape, covering the extension of his collar bone under it to your disappointment. Taking a nervous gulp you lifted your eyes back to his only to find his looking at you with hunger. The hand on top of the sword went to hold yours lowering the weapon towards the ground. The palm on your hip moved to the small of your back bringing you even closer.

Want suddenly ignited in you as you waited for what could follow, your heart racing. You didn’t care what would happen as long as he would close the distance between you. He seemed to notice the change in mood, the flush painting your cheeks being a dead giveaway of your current thoughts. His signature smirk raised to his lips and he let out a chuckle, earning him a smack on the chest from you. Fucking flirt.

You stepped away from him trying to bring your heartbeat back to normal. The sword was left secure in your hold as you left to look for its sheath. Scanning the scabbards on the wall you couldn’t pinpoint the location of the jian’s casing. Enishi came from behind you and took the sword from you, fingers lightly grazing yours in the process. It was enough to make your stomach flutter again. Why did he have this much of an effect on me?

Spinning around you went to pick up the rest of the swords looking for their sheaths. You found most of them without his help, successfully cleaning up around the office.

Once you were done you went and sat on the couch stretching your arms above your head. You didn’t really want to leave to your room just yet. Enishi took to arranging the maps on his desk folding them around to make some space. You got up and went over to help him sort them out. Putting all the paper away you wiped the desk clean with a cloth and put every gimmick back to its previous spot.

You then took to walking the office rounding up every sword and weapon on the wall. Curiosity got the best of you wondering which one was his. He was definitely a swordsman considering the trained grip he had on the jian a few moments ago.

“Which one is yours?”

Your question caught him a little off guard as he was sorting through his drawers. He walked over to the wall besides his desk and took down a sword. Its blade was longer than a meter, hilt covered in leather strips criss-crossing each other, matching the copper colour of the tassel attached to the end. It had a mix of both Chinese and Japanese elements.

“This is a wato. It’s similar to a katana in its power and to a tachi in terms of agility,” he said giving it a spin with his wrist. He held the handle to you urging you to give it a try.

You took the sword feeling its heavy hilt be entirely balanced by the length of the blade. Despite needing a lot of force to move it around the blade followed the hilt accordingly creating fluid movement.

“You have to combine it with some kind of martial arts to make it work in battle.”

You were taken back to your bo staff lesson a few days ago. The way he was easily moving with the staff whilst blending in aerial moves to push more force into the blows was due to the way he wielded the wato. You thought his fighting style was an art of its own.

“Will you teach me?”

“Sword fighting?” You nodded eagerly as you waited for his response. He seemed deep in thought about it. You were far from ready to use a sword. However, he's seen you train by yourself with the bo staff and you surely got better at it. Your grip seemed to be stronger on it the more you practiced on the dummies. He saw how bad you wanted this and he wanted to give you a chance. But not without making it a challenge.

“I will teach you," he said getting your hopes up. "If you manage to take me down in hand to hand combat at least once,” he continued making your jaw drop.

“Are you crazy? How on earth am I supposed to do that when you’re a literal martial arts god?”

“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You’ll find a way," he encouraged you as he took the wato from your hold to place it back in its sheath on the wall.

You sat on it for a while. Would you actually be able to take him? You got better at one weapon but you still lacked the combat skills, but you weren't one to back down from a challenge.

“So, deal?” he extended a hand to you.

Well you know what they say, hope dies last.

“Deal,” you said confidently as you shook his hand.

You didn’t know what you got yourself into but it should be fun. Sword fighting has always been something you wanted to try and this was a better time to learn it than ever. All you had to do was devise a plan to take down the crime lord of Shanghai in a fight. Should be easy right?

—————————————————————————

Next

Thank you for reading! As always, comments, notes and reblogs are always welcome!

#Addicting Taste #enishi yukishiro #enishi yukishiro x reader #enishi yukishiro x you #rurouni kenshin #enishi yukishiro fanfiction #This is only the calm before the storm

[bigdsgirl]

sobbing because its the finale, and I don't want my babies to go!!!

reliving the baby announcement brings me so much serotonin 🥹

why must I watch her be abducted, this will break me

HAHAHAH THE LEG REVEAL! FUCK YEAH

the second chance! its July 20th, 2023! Let's survive this bitch!

oh this is fucking stressful

Yi Joo, what a fucking baddie let's fucking go! choke him out, he deserves it!

side bar, Do Guk looks fire in that blue shirt

Oh god I'm stressed but I cackled seeing Jung Wook with the knife, all I can imagine is this:

shit the stab freaked me out get the fuck out Jung Wook, I will kill you sir!!!

that's right king, beat his ass!!!!!!!!!

oh the truck ruined me bye

the numbers are gone yes yes yes!!! its all over!

"Don't Cry, I'm Okay" - is bleeding out from the stomach, ok sir

MIL in the pink sweater, i love you queen

the tubes coming out of him, lol sir

Yi Joo, you have to eat it's bad for the baby!! Yes Mom!! You tell her!

Lol this dad is truly delulu if he thinks Jung Wook would change after being in prison

HAHAH I bet his mom cheated on him or something. That would be hilarious. All this BS for a mom that abandoned her son.

BOOM BABY I WAS RIGHT.

"It's my fault" too little to late bruh

Now it's time for Yoo Ra justice :D Oh she big pregnant and just shows up that the house???? LOL

"Let me stay here" - girl, you are asking for trouble. HAHAH It's time for a paternity test. Let's air this all out.

Manager Kim you have my heart, send all the good vibes

ahem, sir, flowers are not going to fix what you allowed to happen. Jamie, lay the man out. "it is your fault" - damn right it is!

oh the hands as she send him in 😭😭

"Meeting you taught me who I am" - I am going to sob. Just sedate me please.

"There is so much I want to do with you", I am so unwell, this scene is destroying me. She loves him so much and I love them.

The way he is back in his memories and wanted to help her even then. "What have they done to her", YES PROTECT HER! oh god oh god. never mind that's not protecting her.

the way he was that messed up and still went to her, I am losing it.

the prayer, you TWO STOP RIGHT NOW

"where did you go, leaving me all alone", sir. I love her sass of "I leave for 5 minutes!!! five!!! and you do this!!!"

TWO MONTHS??????????????????

"teasing you and giving you a hard time is the greatest joy in my life" I am tearing up, they are the light of my life.

HE'S HOME!!!!!!!!! MY BABY IS HOME!

Oh father-son heart to heart, oh good.

Hands, it all about the hands. Thank you show for giving me what I need.

oh look - back to the family I hate. OH MY GOD THIS IS A NEW WOMAN. He went and moved on.......... oh lord. oh sir a storm is coming. *evil laughter*

oh this is... iconic. I do feel so bad for the other girl, she does not deserve this. oh she is an angel. Joo Ri run, you deserve so much better.

Bruh, the way he fucked up so so hard. delicious. I love watching these people suffer. gorgeous.

well sir :) you got the girl :) nice work :)

"give me money" -- I'll give it to Yoo Ra, she is bold.

ok bad people got punished, let's have some fun :)

Mommy daughter time yay!!! I love them.

LOL I love that line "we are going to file our marriage" FINALLY!!!

Do Guk you DID IT!!!!!! You successful little bean you. <3

the ad placement is PRIME this episode. I love it.

Grandfather sassing that Yi Joo sees Do Guk daily. I love him.

omfg they lost the ring, hilarious - WAIT THEY ARE HAVING A MOMENT!!!!!!!!!! kiss kiss kiss!

omg look at them officially getting married and shit. I am squealing they deserve the world.

the way he RUNS to open the door for her. omg stop everyone is there to celly; they are so cute.

"I'm a good driver" okay queen, go off!

wait is she reenacting them first meeting???? I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THEM. I AM SQUEALING!!!! GTFO.

"I'm thinking I'd like to take my chance on a future with you" I-- I am so unwell.

I love love love love the ring. I love them. I love them so much.

WILL YOU MARRY ME YI JOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAY YES GIRLY!!!!!!!

oh my god the card key bit I am giggling

THE BRIDAL CARRY, THE EMBARRASSMENT I LOVE THEM. I AM OVERJOYED.

BABIES YES I WAS SO WORRIED WE WOULDNT SEE THEM.

MATCHING SHIRTS!!!!!!! MATCHING SHIRTS!!!!!!!!

I am overflowing with joy, this ending is everything to me. EVERYTHING.

"Every day and happiness"

the DUCK FACE AT HIS BABY GIRL.

"no more hearts" - has a million photos of them together. Literally me in life.

"So this is our perfect marriage" -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

for the last time

SO I CAN SEEEEEE MY HALOOOOOOOOOOOO

10000000000000000/10. This show has everything. I love them so much. <3 <3

the CREW SHOTS AT THE END. I love love love <3

now i must live on, post perfect marriage revenge :(

#perfect marriage revenge #heidi watches #pmr #kdrama #reactions #I cant believe its OVER #GAHHHHHHHH #Seo Do Guk #Han Yi Joo

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Hi hi hi, I would love to hear more of your Dan thoughts! I'm intrigued!!!

>:]!!!!!!!!!! >:D!!!!!!

Ok ok so I've never really tried to put my thoughts into words before so this might be a bit of a mess usually I'm just rotating him in my mind but yes yes yes I have Dan thoughts I want to share my Dan thoughts

I only focus on agit at the end so this is pretty spoiler free for that I think maybe. Thumbs up emoji

Dan is a fun character because despite only having one episode we can still tell alot about his personality and such, as he's rather bold with it and is a fusion of two characters we do see alot, and it really shows! I flip between saying Dan or more Danny than Vlad and saying that they're basically equal in the fusion, but I think a good way to describe it is that he takes different aspects from them, for his appearance and memories he very much takes after Danny, but his personality and how he acts n talks oozes Vlad. Yknow??? If I'm saying the right words here. Dan works so well as a fusion because he also manages to feel like his own character as well

Dan is made from the two's ghost halves, so I'm a fan of the theory/thought I do believe I've seen before that he's based on the ghost halves. Like. Vlad used his ghost form and powers for scheming, attacking, gaining power, and so on, I'd easily imagine he doesn't use it nearly as much as Danny. Danny had to use his ghost form mostly for fighting other ghosts, very frequently, and also used his powers for his own benefit as well, though not nearly as extreme as Vlad. As Danny was in his ghost form more, and as it was more connected to his ghost form (phantom just being an inverted Danny VS Vlad's completely different from himself ghost form, even down to body type) it makes sense why Dan would be more Danny focused, especially in terms of his relationship with others and memories. Vlad's things don't matter to him nearly as much. I mean, he seemingly couldn't find Vlad's new hideout that was under a Welcome to Wisconsin sign, and its ghost zone entrance behind a football

"The only remaining portal, the one my idiot cheesehead archenemy has? As soon as I find it that's going too."

He doesn't respect Vlad in the slightest or seem to care about him. Danny found Vlad's portal almost immediately. So either Dan simply couldn't remember things Vlad liked well enough to guess, and/or, he truly couldn't care less and didn't bother too hard with the search. Both makes sense, and since Vlad is fully human that very likely adds to the contempt and not seeing him as threat enough to find the portal quickly.

Something interesting, is the fact Dan knows Vlad had a portal at all, Dan partially destroyed Vlad's castle after being formed and its clearly in a different location now, unless that cave Vlad is in streaches all the way to his castle's basement Dan hasn't bothered checking? Which is. Unlikely. Which means Vlad had to make a new one. And Dan knew he did. Much to think about there I believe.

I do also think Dan actually doesn't remember his past terribly well. I know I know I just said he's focused on Danny's memories and life, and he is! But also. Its a bit separated from him, the episode itself actually points out him forgetting things about his family several times, it really does feel like they're trying to stress to you, really hammer it in that he's forgotten them some way. It's mentioned offhand like 2 or 3 times.

When Jazz confronts him and admits she knew about his ghost powers he says "You knew?" So??? Softly???? Like PLEASE listen to that line especially after hearing how he usually talks oh my GOSH??!?!!?!?!?! AUGH. slamming my hands on the floor I could make a whole separate thing just thinking of that interaction alone. God. He never knew she knew, it took him by genuine surprise for a moment. And just????? Augh??!???!?!!?!?! He had one family member always in his corner and secretly looking out for him, she believed in him and knew he was trying to do good and she had been waiting for him to reveal it to her in his own time but that time never came because she'd died and haiabsjahasguaaaai u ghjjfhdhfjshauhghhhhh

When Danny enters the future Valerie immediately thinks he Dan, she doesn't question it in the slightest, or question him saying "I have really bad feeling im the one responsible". Before attacking she says "You can't fool me this time Phantom". I take this as either meaning Dan has disguised himself as a young Phantom before, or Valerie is so used to his tricks and and finding new powers that him suddenly looking younger doesn't phase her in the slightest. I do like the idea him disguising as a young Phantom before more. It seems very probable considering he can be Danny Fenton. But this interaction also makes me wonder if Valerie knows, or ever learned that Fenton is Phantom, the trick from before easily could've been Fenton. "The explosion at the Nasty Burger, you, Tucker, Danny's family- and it was all your fault!" She's points her blaster at Phantom while saying that last bit. It makes me wonder if her saying "Danny's family" is showing how she doesn't know he's Danny. There's still other options like her knowing but not admitting he's Fenton, or her knowing he was Danny once but isn't anymore, hence saying "Danny's family" instead of something like "his family". Honestly, her knowing or not are both equally likely. As I said in my tags before, Dan seems to like to get a rise out of people, to get a reaction, he very easily could've told her in an attempt to anger or devastate her, and at the same time he simply could've not bothered at all. I think I prefer the option of her not knowing personally

I don't think I could describe Dan more concisely than I did before, he likes to get a rise out of people, revel in reactions. He twists the past to credit himself for the Nasty Burger explosion after he more than likely blamed himself for it as Danny. He likes to seem in control. He's dramatic. He hates being insulted. Hates losing. He's very casual about alot of things he does.

He caused destruction in both the human and ghost world, the first thing he did upon entering Amity was completely destroy the ghost portal, with plans to destroy Vlad's. I'm not sure what his plan in the end was, but after destroying both portals, I must point out that Dan has the power to summon his own ghost portal with ease, a power I believe is quite rare, I think other than Dan only Wulf has it, though do feel free to correct me on that. So he would've been one of the only people who could go in or out

He was actively trying to/did ruin the lives of the ghosts he knew

Powers. Ohhh boy powers. When I started my DP rewatch my initial plan was to actually take note of every power Danny uses to know what he can do, and by extension Dan. I didn't. Oopsies. So most I can focus on here are what Dan shows in the episode, other than the obvious

I do like thinking on ice powers, and what that means with Dan, obviously he's never shown to know them as they're not introduced until season 3, the writers themselves didn't know it'd happen lol. But in universe, that's something to chew on, Dan never met Frostbite, so if he ever unlocked this power he would've had to figure out the problem and train it on his own, and then there's the potential that Dan never learned, and the ability for ice powers eluded him due to fusion. The ghost sense is a result of his ice powers after all, and Dan's ghost sense isn't a breath of cold blue air, so that could be a sign of this power being one he doesn't have

But moving onto more straightforward powers

Dan destroyed Amity Park in a very short amount of time, all on his own, as while the Fright Knight had been there after the shield went down, he's simply never seen again after that, makes me think Dan just ordered Fright Knight to chase Valerie to Fentonworks and leave after

Related to Amity Park, while there are other destroyed buildings around, the land surrounding the ghost portal is a completely barren wasteland, no doubt from Dan's attempts at destroying the forcefield over the years, and simply scaring residents.

One could argue Dan was the reason lighting was striking around the forcefield, weather manipulation I wouldn't doubt is in his wheelhouse, especially since he's shown to have electrocution powers, at least it looks that way to me

Dan has fire powers, at least immunity to fire. Fire rises after he enters the lab through the cracks he put in the floor, and when he's thrown into truck it bursts into flame. Both instances of the fire happening I suppose you call coincidence, but his immunity to fire at least is undeniable

Dan can force Danny to detransform, and shorted out Danny's powers while holding onto him. This is also the moment where it seems like mild electrocution

Dan can suspend people in ectoplasm, Sam and Tucker also seem frozen completely for a scene, and in a later scene move their heads n such around

He can use a time medallion to enter the exact time and place he needs/where Sam and Tucker went

He specifically used the word fused to describe putting the amulet in Danny, which I find interesting. Entering something while intangible seems to be what causes fusion. Though more to it than that since ghosts can possess other ghosts (or was that a special case since the only example I know is Poindexter possessing a still half ghost Danny🤔)

Dan can form ropes of ectoplasm that can wrap around and trap people, as well as using ecto energy to cover people's mouths to stop talking

Dan is very resilient, I mean, he literally flys through a light pole non-intagabily and doesn't even react. He, while injured from it, did pretty much tank 1 ghostly wail, and still got up after the second, but was weak enough after to be sucked into the thermos

Dan seems to have minor technology powers, nothing major, but like, he does make himself appear on Valerie's watch so he can tell her about the ghostly wail

The ghostly wail of course, which is naturally much stronger than Danny's version. Can destroy nearly all glass in future Amity Park, destroys all the ghost shield towers one by one in a line, makes the Fentonworks building fall down when directly hit. Flips tanks and makes helicopters lose control. Destroyed Ember's vocal cords somehow

He can duplicate himself very easily, and become one again with the same ease. He turns into to a gas form to dodge Valerie's grenades

---

I don't have the time to focus on his behavior in AGiT rn, but it lines up with my thoughts. I do like the confirmation that Dan wanted Danny to suffer as he had/didn't think it fair for Danny to get a second chance to save his family. And it deeply trapped by his own emotions and just unwilling to admit it. I can still skim the book to think about powers. I put AGiT powers in this own little section to be skipped if you don't want spoilers

-He 100% has fire powers no doubt about it now

-I should've described his ability to suspend people in ectoplasm as telekinesis

-Can make shields, usually briefly and by swiping his arm

-When Dan emerges from the rubble, he briefly turns it into lava, and then water, I cannot be sure if this is because of having Clockwork's powers, or just his own at work

-His powers seem to turn blue rather than green, but its hard to tell for certain. But we do know his fire is blue so it's not completely out

---

In conclusion I'm very normal about him and have watched TUE a reasonable amount of times thank you amd goodnight <3 (lying voice)

#ask #danny phantom #dan phantom #sorry this is all just nothing i love just writing what happens down

[rosebarry16]

~~~~~~ 2 o'clock hook up~~~~~~

(adler x male bell)

Warning : Smut, strong language, alcohol

Also this isn't my first time writing but I just got an idea and here we are and Iam so sorry if it's terrible, I tried my best and I'll do better in the future :')

Enjoy :3

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

It's 2 A.M and everyone was asleep except for two human beings, they couldn't sleep nor feel like they wanna close their eyes.

Bell couldn't sleep because of memories and flashbacks are hunting him since the brainwash process occured.

"shit.." he sat and held his head, feeling the temperature rise. It hurts him too much that he wished someone would be near him to comfort him from pain,

he couldn't take it anymore. He got up from his bed and exited the bedroom, he felt dizzy but ignored it and went downstairs to the kitchen.

The kitchen was nothing but dark as moon light takes over the place, bell went to the counter and picked up the phone. He dialed the number and hesitated to call but he dialed it anyway

*On the other hand*

Adler was in the dark living room smoking a cigarette, watching out the window. He got distracted when the phone started to ring. He answered it

"hello?"

"oh..hey, I didn't know you we're still awake."

"yeah I'm still awake, why are you up so late?"

"I'm getting flashbacks again and it's hurting me so bad, what about you?"

"just stress or some kinda shit"

"uh...i was wondering if you would hang out and maybe drink or whatever"

"sure, give me a minute or two"

"no adler, don't worry I'm coming to pick you up"

"you sure?"

"yes I'm sure"

"then I'll see you" he hanged up the phone and waited for bell to arrive, 30 minutes passed and someone pulled up in front of his house. Adler looked outside then took his jacket and headed to the car, he looked at him and drove of.

They were in the car. Gazing at the ocean waving, bell decided to break the silence "how long haven't you been sleeping?" he asked "I do sleep but 2-3 hours then I wake up, even if it was too early I can't go back to sleep" adler explained and bell nodded in understandment but at least adler doesn't get kept from sleeping from over thinking or flashbacks.

"although I should be asking that question bell." adler looked at him as he took a sip of whiskey "these memories and flashbacks are fucking me up, it's a pain in this ass they won't let me sleep. I don't remember the last time I slept without feeling anything" adler got closer to bell and continued to listen

"I just can't go on with this, I'm tired. What hurts me alot no one is with me to bear my pain and I'm so lonely...like..." bell struggled to go on so he smoked and his eye got back to the bluse ocean.

Adler's hand climbed bell's hand and squeeze his fingers underneath bell's palm "I can be there to protect you" bell didn't believe his words at first but kinda felt like adler cares about him more then anyone

More then park, Sims, lazar or Mason and woods

Hell, he's in love with him but he just treat him like anybody else in front of everybody, that's the outside but on the inside.

He'd do anything to protect him, guilt is growing inside of him but he has to do what he does to bell for avoiding perseus from destroying Europe and get informations related to the locations they want to know about.

"bell, I'm not sure how to tell you this but I can make the pain go away" bell smiled like adler just told him a joke and kept drinking

"you can't"

"what if I told you I'm capable of doing it?"

"prove it blondie"

"Your challenging me?"

"yeah and since I'm a bit drunk, I bet you don't know how to make me busy"

"oh yeah? Let's go back to your place and I'll show you"

Bell started the engine and drove away, while driving adler noticed bell has a boner since they argued. He acted like nothing happened and waited until they pulled up to bell's house.

Adler and bell got upstairs as they're making out, adler pushed him to the bed and got on top of him, their tongue were fighting and bell's hands slowly went to adler's ass, they stopped to take a breath and pulled away but his saliva is mixed with bell's.

"come on, show me what you got"

Adler unbottened bell's pants and took out his hard like rock cock, at first he started to lick the tip softly then got into his mouth. Going back and forth and looking up at bell who moans and placing his hand on adler's blonde hair, he got going crazy by controling his tongue underneath his cock and stroking him while sucking.

"adler I think I'm gonna-"

"not yet bell"

He did not want to end it without feeling his cock throbbing in his throat, bell couldn't take it and went deeper until he reached adler throat. Making him choke but that's not it.

After the deepthroat, bell got alot hornier and ready to fuck the shit of him, he grabbed adler's hips and began to rub his hard cock against his ass. Adler didn't really want to be teased so he got idea of making bell go in, his moans and grouns were driving him insane

He begged him as he was going in and out, adler grabbed the bed sheets from how pleasure is getting to harder and more stronger. Bell started to stroke him,

"oh fuck! Ahh~" he was too sexy to keep going on teasing but bell kept thrusting hard "bell your so big, tear me apart!"

adler begged and kept making lewd sounds but as soon as he wanted to continue he felt a bash into his hole, he started to thrust.

"keep fucking me, fuck me like you're using me..just like I used you"

"I'm gonna break you so hard"

"come on motherfucker, that's what you got?"

Bell got more harder and harder, his right hand gasped adler's neck but since hearing his moans and beggings he has to cum

"I'm gonna c-cum!"

"cum in me bell, that's it. Fill me up you useless russian cunt~"

He took his last thrust and cummed into adler's hole, adler on the other hand felt bell's thick cum filled his hole as he was cumming.

They were covered in cum and saliva. Goddamn...late night fucking was the best,

"I told you"

"that's was amazing..you really proved it "

Bell held adler close, they kissed and one more time and drefted to sleep.

The end...

#call of duty cold war #call of duty #russell adler #adler cod #adler x bell

[minisugakoobies]

Since we're kicking off the dust on some of your ideas...

The Bad Cop Yoongi spin off

Ho my god, I need to have a word with the stylists, because good lord…

Where did I leave off? So Jay introduced himself to Da-som, Yoongi's daughter, at university. She was initially a little suspicious of him - to be fair, she's usually suspicious of everybody, since she and her father have been hunted pretty much her entire life. She tries to keep him at a distance. But it doesn't last long. Jay's so warm and funny, disarming her with a superhuman amount of charm that he melts her defenses like sunlight melts ice. They start dating, just casually, because even if she's letting him get close, she's not really sure she wants a serious relationship. Relationships are too dangerous. Getting tied down is a risk, makes it too hard to run.

And she always has to be ready to run.

When summer break hits, she gets an internship at a local hospital. Jay sticks around, too, spending as much time with her as he can, determined to completely win her heart. Not because he's in love, of course. But so he can get closer to finding (and destroying) Yoongi. He has a plan, and he's going to follow it step by painstaking step.

However, the universe has its own plans. One night, Da-som is in the ER when a young man covered in tattoos comes in, blood dripping from his side. The resident she's shadowing tries to get the young man to answer questions about what happened, but he won't say anything, not even his name. Another emergency comes in and the resident leaves her alone with the man to stitch up his wound.

He's cocky. Asks her for her name, hits on her. She tells him he's awfully confident for someone bleeding out from a stab wound at 2 am. He laughs and doubles down, asking for her number. She declines, says she doesn't date losers. He smirks and tells her he actually won the fight. "You should see the other guy." She says she's not impressed and sends him off with another dismissal. He leaves with the promise that he's not giving up.

A few days later, Jay convinces her to go to a party with him. It's a mix of people they know from school and townies, held at the house of a friend's friend or something like that. He's not really sure, just knows it's supposed to be a good time. It's a really nice house, much bigger than any Da-som has ever lived in, full of people coming and going. Something about that triggers a sense memory for her, but she shoves it down, telling herself the stress from work is getting to her. At one point, Jay wanders off to get them drinks, leaving her alone.

"Are you enjoying my party?" She's surprised when the man from the hospital appears next to her. Even more surprised that this is his house. He comes on strong, flirting with her until she's flustered, asking her if she's impressed yet, or if he needs to do more, the look in his eye letting her know exactly what he means by that. He brushes his hand over her hip, but before he can do anything else, someone interrupts, and the man excuses himself to go take care of some "business." But he tells her that if she needs anything, "and I mean anything," to ask for Sunghoon.

She doesn't see him again for the rest of the night. The next time she goes to the hospital, there are flowers waiting for her, with a name, a phone number, and a note:

Whatever you need.

*****************

Ok this is getting long so I'm going to stop here. But I just might have to revive this one!! 💕

#bad cop!au #jay #sunghoon #enhypen #lovely moots #minttangerines #asks

[furiousgoldfish]

I've talked about the 'burnout' and the 'collapse' traumatized people can experience as an adult, as a consequence of an abusive childhood. I realize I've made it seem like a very scary, painful and debilitating thing to happen, and I want to make clarifications about why it happens, and what can you do to mitigate the effects if you're worried it might happen to you.

One part of it, is that living a life while being traumatized, is much more exhausting than living a life as an emotionally healthy person. A big part of our life energy was spent surviving the childhood, and now, a big part of our energy is being spent pushing the trauma down; this is essential for our survival. A part of our mind is always struggling just to keep bad memories suppressed, to keep all of the fear, anger and grief where it can't actively reach us every second of our life, because we couldn't survive if we kept feeling all of our emotions at all times. It enables us to go thru our day-to-day life, and to keep our life ‘looking’ normal, but it does take a lot of energy, it's like suppressing a volcano from erupting, and our energy is exhausted by it.

This, however, means that actively processing trauma, bringing it up and feeling it, however awful and painful it might feel, will eventually free some of your energy up. I remember getting some of my energy back, bit by bit, as I managed to process my experiences and save them as a long-term memories, instead of the repressed ones.

Another part of it is the amount of tension and stress we go thru in our usual day. Being traumatized, a lot of things will act like triggers, and not all of them have to be the huge, dramatic triggers. Sometimes it's just, seeing a stranger on the street looking dangerous, and tensing up. Someone stands too close or asks you an uncomfortable question, and you're anxious, scared, and you spend the night upset and stressed. Being extra worried you won't be able to do something perfectly, and freezing up. Putting large amounts of energy and time into a project because your worth is now depending on it being perfect, you're always bending backwards to get your redemption. Not allowing yourself to take breaks, feeling stressed and guilty when you rest, not being able to find emotional support during hardships, taking on more than you can handle. Stress-worrying about every event where you have to be in contact with the abusers, or anyone else extorting power over you.

These are things that commonly happen to us, and they all result in stress and tension. This causes all of our muscles to tense up, our fight-flight-freeze-fawn response is always on high alert, we spend hours in the anxious state, not knowing how to calm down state, and during all these times, our body is using every bit of available energy for survival, because we're in a survival fright. That is, extremely draining, like fighting for our lives every second of our day. It's no wonder that afterwards all we want is to curl up in the bed, and forget about everything, just trying to find a place where we could get our body to relax a bit, to let us breathe. Constant tension in our muscles will result in chronic pain, which is another draining thing to go thru.

And trying to live a normal life will expose us to more of these, we are unlikely to be able to avoid the triggers while reaching for success in every area of life. We get exposed to people, to situations, to deadlines, stress, expectations, pressure, public image, authoritative figures, criticism, competition, imposter syndrome, fright that we're not as good as everyone else thinks we are. The stress of all this can be too much, even for a normal person. But for us, it's not only the regular amount of stress; the triggers turn stress into pure state of panic and survival fright. We don't only fear we will lose everything we've ever worked for, we fear that we'll be tortured and psychologically destroyed if we don't deliver expectations. We fear we'll be abandoned and left for dead, and that we deserved it.

This is why we need the collapse. Constantly putting ourselves thru all of this, is debilitating for us. Burning out, and isolating ourselves in our room in order to grieve, fear, panic, and cry, it's one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Crying is a powerful way to release stress, and it will release the pressure on our bodies and minds. Experiencing all of the emotions we're pushing down constantly, will hurt a lot, but it will give these feelings a way to exit our body, so we have less to carry around constantly. Isolating will grant us a protection from triggers. No longer exposing ourselves to triggers opens up the possibility of feeling safe, comfortable and self-protected, and that is a foundation we need in order to start building our lives. We cannot build our lives on anxiety-driven situations that make us filled with dread and panic, it has to be a place of comfort and safety.

The collapse isn't something that is absolutely inevitable, it happens because of the way our life is constructed via abuse. Growing up abused, you're programmed very intensely to live your life for others and to respond to the expectations of you. You're expected to reach success on your own time, without any help or support, while being extremely convenient to everyone else, and while being everyone's outlet for their anger, stress, and pain. You're taught to consider this normal, and to tough it out. You're conditioned to consider every single person in your life, but yourself. You know what everyone around you wants from you, how to adjust to their needs, but you are shut down immediately if you have a want or a need of your own. This inevitably leads to a life built on other person's needs. You're building your life based on what you know, and other people's expectations of you, is all you know about yourself.

So your life ends up in overworking yourself insanely in order to reach everyone's expectations, while never being able to examine what would make your life easy to live, comfortable to exist in, or even pleasurable for you yourself. You end up racing for goals that are not yours, that don't even progress your life in any direction that would be good or useful to you. You end up tangled in the obstacles of capitalism, stressing alone about why this isn't easy for you anymore, trying to reach success that would redeem you in the eyes in your abusers, or in your own eyes. You believe you need this redemption, that things would get better, or even just bearable, if you managed to succeed. You being traumatized doesn't even make it to the equation, you do not hold space for your emotions, you do not see yourself as a human being, worth of support and comfort. Anyone would get broken by this. Everyone, no matter how strong, needs comfort and reassurance in the times of stress. Even when things are going well, everyone needs support. Everyone needs acknowledgment and warmth and confirmation that they're doing well.

Living a life that isn’t set up for your well being, and does not provide you with satisfaction and pleasure, is exhausting. You have to keep it up in order not to offend or disappoint anyone (which is your biggest fear), but you're living your life in desperation, trying your best to complete tasks that are not here by your own will. You end up procrastinating and feeling dreadful, because now it feels like you're wasting your life, missing opportunities and ruining the ones you have. You feel empty because there's no support, nobody cares if you do well, but you'll be tortured if you fail. In those circumstances, not one thing you do is by your own will, it's coerced. This entire life is coerced. Every movement you make to appease, to convenience, is a move against your own will. And doing things against your own will, is traumatizing, and exhausting. Your instincts will eventually act up against it. Your willpower to do things will drain. You'll become paralyzed by the executive dysfunction because your body won't want to go thru with it anymore. Even though you're screaming at yourself that you have to, you have to, you have no choice. Your body will fight you. It will seek a collapse.

Collapse means that you're finally, finally taking your own traumatization into consideration. You're forced to acknowledge you own needs and your own limits; you can no longer tear yourself apart for a life that wasn't your choice. What you needed the entire time, was a life that was built on your own terms. A life that took your desires, needs and mental health status into consideration. Because you can build a life, regardless of how traumatized, torn down or terrified you are.

The collapse will slowly teach you that not being able to do things is not the end of the world. It will slowly show you that rest is something you can no longer reject, and it's not making you lazy, or a bad person. It will create a space for you where you do not answer to anyone's expectations. The shame of disappointment and resting will hurt at first, but it will fade as you learn to develop compassion for yourself, because now you have to. You have to see yourself as someone who's been fighting alone all this time, who is now broken but still alive, and so desperately wants to rest and be comforted, and be free of everything that has broken them.  

And the life you build from it, it will not tolerate stress or pain. You will build it based on your own satisfaction. You will make it as safe and protected as possible, because you do not want to risk another collapse. You will abandon all of the activities that broke you in the past; some of these you will no longer be able to do anyway. Even if it's something you liked, but got linked with stress and abuse, it will become a taboo. You'll find things that bring you peace, and do those. You'll discover what eases your anxiety, and do that. You'll find people who find you worthy of support, and choose them. Your life will become yours, built on your own choices, using the knowledge you have about yourself. It will no longer be a never-ending cycle of stress and tension. And you'll be allowed to be tired, and take breaks, and have days where you're just resting in bed. Your body won't have it otherwise.

Now, I promised to tell you how to mitigate the collapse, and by now it must be obvious. It will be easy for me to write it down, but extremely difficult to do it in real life. Start abandoning the activities that bring you an immense amount of stress. Take anything that stresses you as a real-life danger to your mental health, and steer away from it. Decide that your health precedes anyone's expectations, and treat those expectations as destructive. Abandon all societal goalposts that don't bring you joy, dismiss everything they told you that you should be, or have achieved, by a certain age, these are toxic. Abandon the societal definition of success.

Find a place where you're safe to learn about yourself, what you enjoy, what calms you, what brings you peace. Seek out support even if you don't feel you're worthy, even if it doesn't feel like you have it bad enough yet. The only way to mitigate the collapse is to build a life that doesn't lead up to it. Abusive childhood very strongly sets us up for it, and makes sure we don't build self-compassion that is necessary in order to stop living a life that others have decided for us.

Also, don't feel bad if you don't have a choice but to live like that until you collapse. I couldn't stop it. A lot of us aren't at freedom to decide to stop, and we're not even convinced that things are going bad until our bodies decide it for us. I wasn't able to build my life for myself until I ran away from home, that's where I experienced the most severe collapse, when it was finally safe to do so. I don't regret it. The collapse was natural. It made me self-protective where my parents never did. It forced me to acknowledge my limitations where nobody would ever accept that they're real. It's also not an ideal thing to happen, because you can learn to be self-protective in a kind way, you can acknowledge your limitations with the help of support and self-compassion. This is more of an extreme you-don't-have-a-choice kind of way, which isn't pleasant, and happens only when there is no other way.

Don't be afraid of the collapse. If it happens, it's not your fault. You have not built a life that would lead you to a collapse, and you're not 'actively working towards it'. All of us are just trying our best to survive, to go thru as little pain as possible, and you're doing it too. If you happen to collapse, be gentle to yourself, and reject anyone who isn't gentle towards you. You deserve the rest, and you deserve the safety.

#the collapse #cptsd #trauma burnout #child abuse #abusive parents #trauma symptoms #living a life for others that burns you out #living with trauma #living while traumatized #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #fight flight freeze fawn #survival fright #stress #tension #also you can collapse at any age #its not age restrictive #people collapse far into adulthood #and you can collapse as a child too #getting ptsd felt like collapse to me #and then running away from home was another one

[characcoon]

MORE discarded concepts!

On the 1st anniversary of "Change of Perspective", I asked you guys what you'd like too see as extra content, and you chose discarded concepts. And now on the 2nd anniversary, MORE discarded concepts, mostly from chapter 14 to 20.

So let's get right into it!

1. The Puppeteer phase 2

Most of the concept sketches I released prior to the chapter, had Mikey as the center piece. (Yes it's the same Mikey sketch shhhh)

In the final chapter, he only got controlled Once. But the plan was for it to be much more important than one final horrifying blow. His fear at that moment, of being put against his brothers, would've been 100% thrown back at him at full force.

2. Leo VS Donnie

The resolution to That Whole Ordeal with Leo and Donnie, was going to be sort of like Raph planned in chapter 19.

It was going to be a Physical Fight. The first instance I thought of was during a sparring/training session that Leo, blind and lost in another hurricane of horrible thoughts, pulled Donnie aside, gave him a wooden sword, got another one for himself, and didnt even explain stuff before attacking him.

It was about the sword fighting specifically. Leo was in fear that he was losing his abilities, because of the muscle memory, and that he wasnt as good at it as he usually is. And the evil side of the thoughts were telling him that now Donnie was taking over his role completely in every way.

So he would fight Donnie, both with wooden swords, and Donnie would win, without even putting that much effort (because Leo was honestly too stressed to fight well). And Leo would not give up, would not stop, until he finally whacked Donnie in the hand and disarmed him, winning the fight. And once Leo won, the dam would break, and their talk would happen right there.

It would end well, as well, but it would be much uglier and raw than the final chapter. It would be less about Leo's effort to change being validated, and more about his fear of losing what makes him, him.

I think the reason I changed this approach was, the different tone it would set on the work. I think the final product has a much better message, and a much better resolution, than having the twins go at it in a fist fight, because Donnie's pain would be pushed aside in favor of that action show. Leo's acknowledge that, "hey, that guy wearing my face, the guy I'm cursing and yelling at? That's my brother and I am hurting him", is SO much better than "I am hurt and I'll make everyone know that."

It's not just about him, ya know.

3. Flare and Sparkles

One of these guys is not like the other.

So, Flare is the fireball in Mikey's old weapon that went "I ain't dying yet chump" and hopped into Mikey when the Shredder destroyed their weapon vessel. We got that.

Sparkles... wasn't supposed to exist. There is no demon in the Odachi. It makes no sense.

Y'see, I have another AU, "Sentient Ninpos", that has another Flare that is NOT the kusarifundo fireball. And uuuhhh I kinda mixed both of them. Sparkles was already a thing in the AU, and as I was in the initial stages of creating the AU at the same time I was writing that chapter of Leo meeting Flare, and then Sparkles.

I just mixed both concepts and put Sparkles in CoP by accident.

Awkward, I know, but hey, congrats on CoP Sparkles for being something completely new created by mistake that now I gotta think hard about to make it make sense.

4. Sparkles' name was going to be Sparky

Sparkles' name was going to be Sparky.

5. More of VS Puppeteer

That entire fight went through multiple reworks.

First, Donnie was going to be awake, and as said before, Mikey would be prominently controlled. DONNIE would be the one to "break the sky" and get Leo's ability to teleport for a while (which I'm sure would've worked wonders with what I had planned for Leo's self-worth issues /s). There would be no phase 3, they would've exploded the Puppeteer in a much more dramatic and tense way, and that would be it.

I wrote that phase 2 chapter practically in one sitting, so whatever happened there, it was due to the flow and being on the zone and letting the vibes drive the writing. It went that way, and I said well okay then I'm not rewriting 9k words of nonstop fighting and action scenes, and left it as that.

6. Ending of chapter 20

I had that chapter ready for a week or so. Now, if ya know me, I post stuff as soon as it's done, I dont keep things to wait to post. So that week of waiting I spent constantly poking around chapter 20, and I changed the entire ending of it one day before posting.

Donnie would make no deal to stop talking about personal issues and focus on the artifact. He would've bounced right the fuck out of there and go "I'm not processing that entire emotional show, I'm gonna go out and kick people in the face to avoid thinking about what just happened". And that would've gone as well as it sounds: horribly.

Leo and Mikey would have an extra segment of talk about Sparkles and Flare, Leo going "ok we dont know if my Odachi had a demon, but I can ask Magnus because he has the twin of the sword to make sure that there is really no demon" vine boom sound effect, Mikey goes HUH WHU PARDON ME WHAT and credits roll.

I am once again pushing Magnus reveal further and further away. No regrets, it's great to look at how they all know the same thing but they dont know the others know.

----

And that's... basically it! ONCE AGAIN, ty for all the support! Hope you enjoyed taking a glimpse at the inner workings of my brain, and how I think over stuff. It's fun over here.

See you guys next chapter!

#rottmnt #rottmnt fic #change of perspective #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #char writes #fic meta #deleted content

[justkending]

Finding Memories. Chapter 23.

Series Summary: Waking up with little to no memory of her past, and being saved by a group of individuals who call themselves heroes, sends a long time captive for a whirlwind trying to find some form of grounding in this world she quickly learns runs on chaos. But she’s not the only one trying to figure out her forgotten backstory. Bucky Barnes, along with the other Avengers, can’t help but sense that there is a lot more to the whole situation than a diagnosis of amnesia. Her background slowly starts to come forward in pieces of her past and hidden information discovered. Who is she? And why was she in the room they were meant to destroy?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced Reader 

Word Count: 4400+

TW: Torture, cussing, gore, PTSD, triggers, mental illnesses.

A/N: So my computer decided to kill itself, so I won’t see it for a few days, but luckily I have my work computer to keep things updated for now. Anyway!! I’m really excited for this chapter and to see what all you think. This is the slow down right before the storm (part 298732), but it’s all coming together thankfully! As always, let me know what you think and thank you for the support on this story!

Chapter 23:  

Gabriel had a panic attack after becoming conscious of what he proclaimed as another version of himself. Though, Y/N was able to calm him down and do another new trick with her powers. 

Bucky’s list was running out of room to add all these new findings and he wasn’t sure how many more surprises he could keep taking in such a short time. But overall, he was impressed to see her gracefully work with her new, yet old, powers. 

Once Gabriel was settled down, Y/N explained how that the process she used to get him back to normal can be really draining on the person's self-consciousness. What that meant was still a question the group had, but she narrowed it down to say he would need some time to rest after the journey he just took. 

They just went along with what she was saying after Gabriel proved her right by knocking smooth out after just 10 minutes coming back to reality. 

It was in that moment, the yawn Y/N had been stifling since long ago came back. 

“That’s it. We’re all getting some shut-eye before any new adventures,” Bucky had announced and though he got grunts and muffled curses, they knew he was right.

They were all practically running on fumes. Wanda and Nat had been coming from a mission before they learned about the attack. Then after the attack, Y/N had maybe a total of an hour in some sort of peace before more things just kept escalating. And even in that hour, she was being checked over by Bruce to monitor her stress levels. 

Everything kept spiraling since then. Which led them to be in the basement now with a back-to-normal Gabriel. All in 19 hours. And at no point did a single person get any form of rest. 

So though she was on a roll and scared that if she walked away and ignored all the crazy thoughts and ideas in her head, she was happy someone was actually forcing her to sit down and take a minute away from the day. 

Though that would be asking too much in this universe.

A moment away from the world that had just now opened up to her? Not a world she had grown to love, but the cruel dark parts of it she had learned to forget were no longer hidden from her. 

“Y/N? Y/N?” The voice was muffled like it was five rooms over, but the person it was coming from was just a few feet away. “Hey, Y/N.”

She snapped out of the headspace she had gone to and she was glad she was broken out of her trance. 

She was mid-brushing her teeth when after about three brushes in, she just froze and drifted off. 

Bucky had walked in when he heard the water running for a while and caught her just staring in the mirror, but she wasn’t actually focused on anything. 

“You ok?” he asked as she went back to normal and brushed off the way her eyes showed she was in a whole different reality seconds before. 

“Yeah, fine,” she attempted to put on a smile and it was a lot more convincing than it had ever been. 

But something about this version of Y/N seemed to have a better idea of masking than the last. She clearly wasn’t a beginner in it, though if you’d have asked Bucky two days ago he would have said otherwise. 

“I think we both know that after today’s events, ‘fine’ wouldn’t be an honest answer to that question,” he sighed, as she passed him out the door back into the bedroom they were still sharing. 

“It’s a lot to process,” she shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it, but also not necessarily wanting to ditch the conversation. 

“A lot to process indeed. And we have the time now,” he shrugged when he leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms over his chest. 

She turned back giving him a suspicious look. He knew now he may have hinted too hard at eavesdropping on her and Wanda’s conversation before the talk with Gabriel.

But if she noticed, she moved on as if she didn’t.

“May have the time but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have the mind for it right now,” she sat at the end of the bed with a huff. 

“That’s true,” he nodded, looking down at the hardwood floors before back at her. “We should get some sleep anyway.”

She thought she wanted to delay the conversation, but now he was pushing it away, all the questions she had, nagged at her harshly. 

“You’re not a bad person!” she blurted out making Bucky raise an eyebrow at the random compliment. She seemed to look just as surprised. 

“Thanks…” he dragged out, not sure how to respond. 

She cringed at herself and scrunched her nose before running her hands down her face. 

“No, I mean-” she huffed, frustrated at the words not coming to her like she was thinking them. “You’re not a bad person even though you’ve done bad things,” she let out and he cocked his head more at her. 

“This is a great pep-talk,” he nodded with a nervous smile and looked to the couch as if it was his getaway.

He didn’t care for the attention to be swapped to him, but he didn’t realize she was hinting at a lot more than just what she was saying on the surface. 

“God, I don’t know what’s happening, but give me a second,” she groaned, standing up and pacing in a small space in front of the bed.

“Ok, let’s start here,” she decided, walking up to Bucky a little closer and he stood up straighter from his slouched position on the frame. “You know how I said I was remembering things?” she asked, and his face going solemn showed she didn’t need to elaborate on where she was going with this. “Then you know what it’s like to see in vivid and colorful memories horrible things you did, but couldn’t imagine seeing yourself doing something so…” She paused trying to stomach the flashes of what she was talking about. “Shameful.”

“Y/N-” Bucky stepped forward, wanting to envelop her in a hug, but also keeping his distance not knowing how she would react to that. She had jumped straight into the therapy session he wanted her to have, but he didn’t expect her to be the one leading it. 

“It’s things I wish I could have gone my whole life forgetting and never being bothered by it.” The sadness she was feeling had shown in the quiver in her lip and the twitch of her nose at the places her mind went. “In all this time of trying to find my memories, I knew traumas would come out of it, memories of things I never want to experience or feel again… But I-I didn’t know it wouldn’t just be mine. But people I’ve hurt too.” 

He stepped up and put a hand out in an extension of comfort, but she looked at it like she didn’t deserve it. 

“My own pain and horrors I can stomach. I lived it. I felt it. No one else got hurt,” she stepped away from him slowly, distancing herself from any form of comfort the world offered. “But watching and reliving the horrors you’ve afflicted yourself?”

“If this situation is anything like I think it is, you are not at fault here Y/N. The people who took advantage of you are the ones who should be saying these things and feeling the guilt that you’re feeling right now,” Bucky interrupted her thoughts as he knew them all too well. 

They were words and thoughts made up by his own brain at a time in his life before he had someone like himself now. Steve was that person for him, and Bucky would be that person for her if she needed it. And with the fear in her eyes, he knew she needed it. 

“It’s easy to blame yourself for things you may have physically seen yourself done, but there was no conscious control in those moments,” he took a few more careful steps forward. 

He knew she was distancing herself from him because she didn’t feel she deserved any sympathy, but it was actually the exact opposite. She was used and she was the victim just as much as the people who were hurt. 

“I saw things happen that I would never wish on anyone.” She was no longer able to hold her tears back as she processed everything that had come back to her in the last 5 hours. 

“I know it’s overwhelming right now and it seems like there will never be a bright side to this all, but it’s important you take a breath right now,” Bucky instructed as he put his hands up in a way to show he was going to keep approaching her, but wouldn’t do anything until she gave him the ok. 

She was confused for a minute why he looked more worried than he did just a few minutes before. That was until she realized her nails were cutting into her palms and she was hyperventilating as a panic attack was forming. 

“I’m not a bad person.” She looked at her hands that were bleeding and started rubbing her palms together in a shaky and compulsive manner .“I’m not a bad person. At least, I don’t think I am…” She added the last part in a tremble looking at her hands that were tingling again.

“You’re not a bad person,” he confirmed, now only 2 steps away from her. “You are far from a bad person.” He smiled in a nervous yet endearing way and she looked at him through her tear-soaked eyes. 

“I don’t want to be a bad person.” 

It was the last thing she said before she broke and began to crumble to the ground like a mound of kinetic sand that had settled. 

But Bucky was expecting it and was already catching her and moving to the floor with her in the swift motion it happened in. She was sobbing into his arms and grabbing his shirt tightly like it was an anchor. 

“It’s ok. Breath. Breath…” he coached and she finally let it all out without holding back like she had in the past. 

He was glad this was happening. She needed to get it out and the day hadn’t given her any time to really grasp what had happened to her, both present and past. And he was willing to sit on that floor cradling her body into his for as long as she needed. 

After about 10 minutes though, he could tell it wasn’t a comfortable position and once she was coming down slightly from the peak of her panic attack, he leaned down to whisper in her ear.

“How about we get you to bed, doll.” He had been combing his fingers through her hair and had rested his cheek on the top of her head. 

She sniffled, taking in a shuddering breath, but nodded. 

They stood up and she wasn’t prepared for her knees to buckle once she had her full weight on them, but Bucky caught her and wrapped his arms around her waist modestly, and ushered her to the side of the bed she had claimed. 

Going under the covers seemed like an extra step at the moment, so she settled onto the top layer of the fluffy white bedspread and pulled a pillow to the front, bear-hugged it while taking slow breaths. 

She and Bucky sat like that for a minute and he coached her as she shuddered with each breath coming and going until she wasn’t on high alert. 

It took some time, but she was finally in a calm disposition, though she didn’t plan on moving anytime soon. 

Bucky sat right next to her on the bed, and she found herself leaning into his side while practically strangling the pillow on her chest. 

“You don’t have to, but we can talk about it tonight if you need to. If not, we have the morning when you’ve rested too,” he offered. 

He would rather she slept and actually let her body catch up with the madness of the last 24 hours, but he also knew the chances of sleep when all that was floating around in your head was near too impossible to succumb to. 

She didn’t answer right away and Bucky gave her the space to answer or just stay in silence if she preferred that. 

But after a minute she took a short breath and spoke up. 

“I know what my powers are. All of them.”

Bucky was shocked that was the route she went, but it was something nonetheless. 

“It’s really hard to explain, and it’s like I know what they are, but I can’t see myself being able to do half the things I know I’m capable of.” She fidgeted with her fingers and leaned her head back to look up at him from where she was propped in between his side and his shoulder. “Does that make sense?” 

He smiled at the angle she was at because he had thought about moments like this, just not because she was on the brink of a mental breakdown. 

“It’s like riding a bike,” he replied. “You know how to do it, but after a while, you’re not sure how you know how to do it. It becomes natural at some point.” 

“Exactly,” she let out a relieved sigh that she was making sense when all of it felt like the opposite. “Except, for the things I know how to do, I wish I didn’t.”

“Why’s that?” he asked, even if he was sure he knew the answer, this was her time to come to that conclusion on her own. 

“It's because of what I can do that people want to use me for their personal agenda,” she answered, looking down at her hands again and picking her nails. 

“The things you are capable of aren’t just for just bad intentions, Y/N. The person who uses it for that reason is the bad in this situation, not you.”

“If you knew the thing I’m capable of, Bucky, you’d understand why people are always going to come for me,” she said, and he could hear the pain in her voice at the thought of people using her again.

"I know that storyline all too well," he nodded in agreement because it was true. "There will always be bad people in the world whose whole life's purpose is to use others for things they were never gifted it to begin with. But there is a reason why people like you to have that kind of power instead." 

"Why me though? I don't want to be the person for the hell I've endured and the hell I've caused." Her tightening on the pillow showed she was frustrated and he knew why. 

It didn't seem fair. 

And it wasn't fair. 

"What you've come to know as your past, does not have to be your future too," he said and she turned to look at him again. "Take it from someone who understands the fear and doubt that you're feeling right now. It won't always be like this. Every day is a start to a new chapter in your life." 

He paused letting her process that, but he wasn't expecting her to smirk and adjust to where she was sitting up with him and now touching shoulders. 

"You sound like a book," she smiled. "A really wise book though." 

He was happy to see that she wasn't fully defeated. 

"You'd be surprised by how accurate cliches are. They're cliches for a reason I guess," he smiled back at her, nudging her shoulder with his own. 

"I like them. Go on," she got comfortable again. 

"What I'm getting at is, you've already done the hard part. That was escaping and finding a mind of your own outside of the people who tried to make you think and work their way. And honestly, you've done it in an amount of time most would dream about." 

"Helps when you have the support," she smiled thinking of all the new friends and allies she had added to her life in the last 2 weeks. 

"That's true," he agreed. "But it also helps when you're just a genuine and pure soul. Those are never ones that can fully be broken down. Even if it feels like you've been beaten and bruised to no comeback." 

"You make it sound a lot easier than it feels," she sighed, not feeling any of the things he was getting at. 

"That's because you're in the middle of the choice and that's never easy to face head-on." 

"So what do I do?" She looked sideways at him and he turned his head to look her in the eyes. 

"You push on. You learn you are much more than what they say you are and no one will ever have the power to ever control or manipulate you again." 

"You say that like I'll lay my head down tonight and become a new woman in the morning." Her face showed she wasn't convinced by his philosophy. 

"At the rate you're going? I wouldn't be surprised," he shrugged laughing. "No, but in all seriousness, you're a lot stronger than you think you are." 

"You're using another cliche." 

"True words either way." 

She paused considering his logic.

“What if I’m not strong enough?” she asked truthfully. 

“Y/N,” he sat up and moved to sit where he was in front of her. “In the last 20 hours alone, you’ve stood your ground more times than you have your whole stay. I told you to let the nurse do a check-up on you, but you refused.” 

“I was overstimulated,” she defended feeling like he was still upset about the things he was going to bring up. 

“I’m not mad about it Y/N,” he placed a hand on top of hers where it was holding the pillow still. “I’m proud of you.” The smile on his face showed he meant what he was saying. “Even if it worried me and I was against it, you still stood up for yourself.” She turned slightly bashful at his compliment. “You wanted to go to meet with Nat and Wanda and didn’t back down even after I chased you down the hall. You definitely didn’t take a nap when I sent you three away to rest.” 

That one was to just poke fun at her even if it had frustrated him in the moment. 

“You told off Tony, and I think that was my personal favorite time. Showed him wrong too so bonus,” he grinned. “You’re a smart girl, Y/N. You know what’s right and wrong. You know what you want to do and you make sure no one stops you.”

“All those can easily turn to cons if given a different scenario.”

“Yet, we aren’t in that scenario anymore are we?” Bucky countered. 

She began processing all he was getting at. The things she had done in the past, she didn’t have much of a say in. She didn’t have a voice to advocate for herself.

But with the people she was around now, in just barely over 2 weeks, she had found and created a new voice for herself, and when put to the test, she used it. 

She never really thought about it like that since she had been in survival mode recently. It wasn’t until Bucky put it into words like this she realized her survival instinct was to follow her gut and stand by it. 

In times she thought she was weak and powerless, she was learning from those around her that she was allowed to have a voice and choice in the matter. Even if others were against it, she got to make the final decision.  

“I know that it feels like what you've experienced of life is all there is, but you’ve proven it doesn’t have to. You’ve grown the ability to choose for yourself and see different outcomes.”

She soaked in those words and took them to heart. It's hard to see this world as an opportunity for so many versions of life when you've only experienced the cruel hardships it has to offer. But because of this new family she had created, she saw a glimpse of how life can be.

"If they succeed and get me, Bucky," she started and Bucky was thrown off at the sudden transition to worst-case scenario.

"That's not going to happen," Bucky shook his head and sighed upset that everything they had just said in the last 10 minutes wasn't even considered.

"We don't know that for sure, and I'm not saying it to sound gloom and doom, but we have to consider all angles of what could happen," she argued, sitting up more and putting the pillow down in her lap. "They've used my powers against me in the past and how they did it still hasn't come back to me. I thought it was medications and all those experiments, but a part of me worries that it's something I can't fight against." 

"I won't let it happen," Bucky shook his head again, but this time in denial. 

"To keep to our theme of cliches," she gave him a sad smile. "We never really know what's to come of the future. If they're not scared to send agents to get me, knowing I have the protection that I have, what makes you think they won't try harder?" 

She wasn't wrong, but Bucky didn't want to think like that. He didn't want to consider the worst-case scenario even if it was his job too. 

"We'll just-" he started, already trying to fix the problem before it arose.

"I have the power of cosmic manipulation, Bucky," she cut him off. "A power so versatile, I am the weapon you came to destroy that day."  

"What?" he looked at her mystified. Not by the powers, but by her last sentence. 

"I know you were sent in to destroy me. You didn't know that, but I figured it out," she never broke eye contact. "I overheard you and Steve talking about it when I first got here. I saw it on the files with the tablet Tony got me. Your mission was to go in there and destroy a weapon. You just didn't know the weapon was alive." 

Bucky hesitated as she had a look on her face and he could see that she was silently communicating unspoken words he didn't want to hear.

"No. Y/N, no," he was almost offended, but really he was refusing what she was asking of him. "That wouldn't even be the last thing I did."

"If it comes down to it Bucky, you may have to." 

"Kill you? Nuh-uh. No. Not even an option," he shook his head violently and stood up. "You think I would-" he let out an angry laugh, not at her, but at the situation. "No," he said sternly, placing worried hands on his hips. 

"You may not have the choice," she leaned back into the bed as if her mind had already been made up. "It could come down to me or hundreds maybe even thousands of innocents. You know the morally correct answer and you know what my choice is." 

Damn her for using his logic against him. He had just preached about her making her own choices and here he was again, trying to get her to change her mind.

"It's not going to happen, so I don't want to think about it," he crossed his arms. 

She rolled her head seeing she wasn't going to get anywhere with him right now. She had made a big step she didn't even plan to make, but she needed someone to know she would rather be at risk than hurt others. And if they did get her back, she knew more than just thousands could be hurt.

"I have the ability to destroy continents, Bucky. I can control people's emotions, minds, consciousness, and genetic makeup. There is a reason I was labeled as carcinogenic and inexterminable." Again another note listed in her file that she most likely had access to now thanks to Tony. "My power is harnessed from the cosmo's themselves. I don't know how to explain it though I'm sure there is a breakdown of what all that means, I know for a fact it can be dangerous if in the wrong hands, and I can't take that kind of risk."

He stared at her blankly. He heard her, but all he could think about were the things she was asking him to do. 

She had just found her and was on the verge of losing her just as fast. 

"We can make a plan," he started, but someone knocked on the door bringing both their attention to the other side of the room. "Seriously," he grumbled annoyed. He turned back to her and raised a finger. "We aren't done with this."

She sighed and looked tired from the push and pull of this conversation, but also knew it wasn’t going to be an easy one with how protective Bucky was of her. 

He went to answer the door and wasn’t expecting to see Steve on the other side.

“Hey, I texted you that we were back, but you didn’t respond so I thought I would check in with you,” he smiled sympathetically since he could feel the tension. He peaked around Bucky’s build and saw Y/N sitting against the headboard and yawning as she repositioned a pillow in front of her. “Hey, Y/N. How are you doing?”

“Hey, Steve,” she gave him a tired smile. “I’ve had better days.”

“Tony said you’d probably be asleep by now, but I heard you two talking,” Steve said just to Bucky.

“It’s been a day,” he replied back with a long sigh as his body eased the tension some. “Actually, can I talk to you real fast?” 

“Sure. You sure you don’t need to go to sleep? I mean, I can wait to be caught up tomorrow,” he motioned behind toward Y/N.

“It’s a lot,” Y/N interjected and they were surprised she could hear them, but Bucky considered all she had enlightened him on and realized, it wasn’t a far-fetched idea now. “I’ll be fine. Go catch him up on everything.” Her yawn showed she would be asleep within the next 5 minutes anyway. 

He wanted to argue, but after everything they just talked about, he wanted Steve’s perspective on this all. For once, he didn’t have a game plan about all this and needed insight from someone who would. 

“We’ll be right outside,” Bucky waved, walking through the threshold. 

She gave a thumbs up knowing he was telling her as a way to say, “If you need anything, come get me.” 

Though what she needed now more than ever was sleep…

Feel free to follow me on Wattpad too and vote on any of your favorite chapters:) It helps promote my story & also makes my brain release tons of endorphins everytime I get a notification about one of ya’ll❤️

If you would like to be tagged in this series, please send an ask here.Thank you:)

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#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes x enhanced reader #finding memories #justkending #marvel series #marvel x enhanced reader #enhanced reader #reader insert #bucky barnes x reader insert #bucky barnes x y/n #mcu #mcu series

[metamelonisle]

what are your words of wisdom

the backgrounds of kirby games are heavily underrated. egg engines is really scary. nintendo has a very strange obsession with eel enemies in their games and kirby is the least unnerving instance of this because barbars are sort of adorable aand land barbars are like giant salamanders that i love so much. if you're bad at a video game and cant seem to hold onto health for very long but are good at reaching checkpoints, just focus on racking up lots of lives and take no shame in eating a punch to refill your health. take any help where you need it. when you wake up always go to the bathroom because you won't be able to sleep on a full bladder. its better to fall asleep early and wake early than to fall asleep late and wake up late. being awake at night sucks. play more indie games and rom hacks. give affection to your friends and comfort when they need it and also respect their boundaries. dont ask me for wisdom when i'm slumbering over the keyboard. don't bite suspicious fruits. learn how to swim and learn how to drive and learn how to cook. kill people who make you unhappy or scared or angry and if you can't do that either leave them or ignore them. eat salmon. reblog my posts so i can hit 3 likes for once. it is infinitely better to be a hidden gem than to be famous because it brings endless stress and too many problems. listen tot he voice in your head that tells you destroying things is gonna leave a bitch of a mess or that hurting yourself is gonna take a long time to heal, that's hope. eat food that makes you happy but always be careful and prepared about it. always be true to yourself and don't hurt others unless they want to murder you and your loved ones wholesale over arbitrary things. chicken noode soup with white rice and potatoes fucks so good. if salt tastes good its probably because you need it. neil cicierega's mashups are goood. if someone mocks you for something you're sensitive about you should unequivocally give them a purple nurple without warning and i mean PURPLE. paramecia devil fruits are always way more interesting than zoans or logias. no matter how old you get cock jokes will always be hilarious if told right. wear clothes you enjoy and if people judge you than do horrific things to them in return. celebrities are people so don't treat them like they're fictional characters. get plenty of sleep. don't proofreead ANYTHING until the last word is typed.

memories are forever until they aren't. keep physical records of the things you love and keep them safe.

thank you.

i love you.

#paint.txt #askbox #long post #not sfw