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#terminal loneliness
yata776 · 2 months
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Legitimately I have no fucking idea how this website works but I guess I will repost my shit and add a fuckton of tags.
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mistocho · 9 months
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terminator 3 is not a real film to me, but the idea of a john connor, alone after his mother’s death, living in a world where skynet seems to have been stopped before it ever started, yet he has been raised from birth to defy it. what does a messiah do when he has no one to save?
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queenie435 · 8 months
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I recently met a man is going through and through divorce because of his wife’s illness. 🙄… He’s on several different dating apps
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marxandangels · 10 days
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moonluringfrost · 6 months
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Theo does find sylv physically attractive for sure, but he’s really not sure if he actually has a crush on him the way people keep insinuating he does.
he hasn’t exactly had a lot of time to get to know sylv properly. he /likes/ sylv, yes. he doesn’t want sylv to die, sure. he wants to be friends with sylv, definitely. but romance? give him a break this is NOT the time, Pat
mostly how he feels about sylv is “i want to protect him/i want to save him” which are, in fact, not inherently romantic feelings.
but he also has no idea what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like, so maybe he Does have a crush. he doesn’t know!
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dollfairy · 1 year
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idk, maybe it's just because a very toxic person (who at the time, I was trying hard to be friends with, bc we had a lot in common) once told me in an accusatory tone that she knew I was lonely
and now, every time I get a pang of loneliness, I feel like "that bitch doesn't get to be right about this"
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emeraldcreeper · 2 years
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I will accidentally and inadvertently use my fanfiction therapizing the miserable experience within a paper about literally providing therapy to the entirely miserable and hopeless
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loveimp · 2 years
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I have gots to get normaller
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theskyexists · 1 year
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Finally found COMPLETE and DETAILED instructions on how to samba a windows file system drive on a rasppi.
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anshares · 12 days
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Boundless by EmperorMinhyun for Bingyuan Minibang!
Shen Yuan had always been an avid reader, even from a young age. As soon as he knew enough characters to read, he was begging his parents to buy him something new. It helped pass the time in the hospitals, distracting him from the pain and loneliness that came with being terminally ill.
He was content to pass into the next life with the new book his brother had dropped off for him, “A Story that Never Ends," but that all changed when he became fixated on protagonist, Luo Binghe, and his quest to save his world from the Darkness shepherded by the shapeshifting demon Xin Mo. Now, as he grows sicker and sicker, Shen Yuan fights to finish Binghe’s story and figure out how this seemingly sentient book will end. Because for real, how the fuck does this book keep weaving answers to his questions after he asks them? And why does it almost feel as if he’s talking to the protagonist himself?
This is a Neverending Story inspired fic in which Shen Yuan lives his fantasies through Luo Binghe, and maybe falls in love with him too.
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if i fell through the floor i would keep falling ; suguru geto
synopsis; geto knocks at your front door one morning ten years after leaving everything he knew behind, fully expecting to be met with a middle finger or a hand to the throat. when you invite him in, instead, he can’t help but feel somewhat perplexed.
word count; 7.5k
contents; suguru geto/reader (platonic or romantic, up to u!!), gn!reader, geto-typical angst with lots of yearning, open-ended, geto’s pov, reader is a softie, mutual pining kinda, geto is terminally bitter and terminally lonely and also kind of a bitch but we love him
a/n; i’m extremely normal abt suguru geto and the debilitating loneliness he must’ve felt during the ten years after he left <33
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”it’s been a while.”
the smile on his face must be sweet, he thinks, illuminated by the blurry light of the morning sun. as charming as it’s always been. coated in a thin layer of lighthearted deceit, a cruelly projected sense of normalcy.
with a hand raised up in cheerful greeting, geto gazes down at you.
— admittedly, he’s a little underwhelmed by your reaction.
astonishment or bafflement was maybe a little too much to ask for. you don’t look very surprised to see him at all; almost as if you were expecting him to show up in front of your apartment at the break of dawn.
and, really, maybe you were. after all, satoru must have told you already. why wouldn’t he let you in on their touching reunion, the promise of war that spilled so easily from his lips?
of course you would have heard of it by now.
still, geto can’t deny that it’s just a little bit disappointing. he would’ve liked to see your wide eyes, would’ve liked to hear you stammer a bit. the expression you’re currently sporting is something else entirely.
you look sad.
there’s a fondness in your eyes, though, unmistakable. a spark of it, entirely impossible to ignore, that catches him off guard. and there’s a softness in the way you raise your head to look up at him, a familiarity that flickers in the depths of your irises.
geto is just a little bit put off by it.
it looks the same as always. you look the same as always. and geto’s heart constricts, where it rests, tucked away deep within the confines of his ribcage.
a moment passes. the sun peeks out from beneath the curtain of the horizon, the violet and indigo of the morning sky melting into that familiar burst of ochre. and geto is content, to silently admire the way that you glow in its light.
he waits, patiently, for your expression to shift. to melt into one of anger, or repulsion, or any other kind of bitter hue.
it never does.
a sigh flows from your parted lips, instead. a soft little breath. in the bitter cold of a morning such as this, it turns into vapour as it drifts through the air. you blink, tiredly, eyelashes fluttering with something akin to exasperation.
”you’re a cruel guy, you know that?”
geto blinks. a fickle moment passes.
then, he smiles.
you’re admonishing him, but you’re doing so almost gently — with an easygoing kind of disapproval. as if you’re still in high school, huffing over the teasing bout of laughter he lets slip when you trip over air.
geto’s lips curl up, smoothly, an action he’s grown awfully used to over the years. smiles are a form of currency, he has come to realize — smiles of deceit, of fondness, of barely contained disgust. all kinds of smiles, whether plastered on or genuine. a means to meet an end.
a single tug of his lips, encompassing an immeasurable number of unspoken words.
the smile that geto graces you with is an amused one. it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it’s friendly enough. ”so i’ve been told.”
for a minute, you do nothing but observe him. there’s a turmoil behind your eyes that seeps out in the way you look at him, the way you shift from foot to foot and gnaw at your bottom lip anxiously. geto doesn’t interrupt, observing you in turn. waiting for one of you to move the first piece of this little morning game of chess.
in the light, he can almost delude himself into thinking that your eyes change colour, different shades and hues dancing around your dilated pupils. as you gaze over the contours of his face, a certain kind of affection blooms within them, one that geto expected to have faded over the years. 
but it’s still there. and it’s the same. a little more blurry, maybe, a little faded at the edges — more matured. but still the same, despite that. 
(a memory comes to him. one of you, and him; sharing a bag of chips on the school’s rooftop when neither of you could sleep.
bathed in the light of the moon, your eyes glimmered with that very same affection, like a shooting star breaking out across the night sky.)
one long, careful, tender moment passes by. 
the intense contemplation on your features is almost enough to coax a chuckle from the depths of his throat. an urge to tease you creeps up on him, slowly, but before he can open his mouth you seem to come to a kind of conclusion.
and so, you step to the side — allowing him to see inside your apartment, catch a brief glimpse of the interior. you look oddly comfortable, at peace, having made your move; the next piece is his to place.
what a surprising move, though. geto can’t help it if his eyes widen just a smidge, if he blinks in a way that could almost be interpreted as briefly confused. out of all the possible scenarios he’s played out in his mind over the years, this wasn’t the one he expected to merge with reality.
”wanna come in?” you ask, tentative. your voice is inviting. a little clumsy, although he supposes that could just be because of fatigue. it is early, after all.
geto takes a moment to think.
as far as he can tell — and he always can, in one way or another — there is no deceit hidden in your expression. no signs of bloodlust, no spark of violence, no quiet resentment bubbling beneath the surface. earnest. that’s all it is. a little awkward, but candid. pure, in a way.
you aren’t trying to trick him. you’re genuinely, seriously, honest-to-god inviting him inside your apartment.
the next move is his to make.
and geto knows exactly what he should do. he should decline, politely, excuse himself with feigned remorse and a jovial invitation to his own personal hell.
(surely, you already know. the others have almost certainly told you by now. geto just wanted to personally invite you, himself. face to face.)
right. that’s what he should do. that’s the winning move.
and yet, he finds himself moving.
lips curling up on their own, without his approval, geto moves forward. one step is all it takes for him to cross the threshold of your home; a boundary he didn’t expect you to offer up so callously, truth be told, but who is he to deny the wishes of a dear old friend?
”why, thank you,” he smiles, voice pleasant, smooth like silk.
(for just a little while, he supposes he can indulge himself in the opportunity you’ve so graciously given him. just for a bit.)
geto doesn’t bother taking off his footwear, and he knows you couldn’t care less either way. allowing him to pass you by as he waltzes into your very own space, you close the door behind him. he half-expects to hear the click of the lock, but it never comes.
a particular scent envelops him, as he stands by the coat rack, unmoving — he has no intention of taking off his robes, heavy with his carefully nurtured devotion. a symbol of his choice.
the scent is familiar, but also unlike anything he can recall within the borders of his memory; a soothing blend between fresh laundry, and sunlight, and cat fur, and something rather sweet.
there’s more to it than that, though. a certain scent geto could only ever describe as you. 
(his heart aches with longing.)
as he ponders the intricacies of the fragrance, geto is acutely aware of the stare burning into his back. how careless of him, to leave it facing you, unguarded and vulnerable.
what a perfect opportunity he’s presented you with; the great curse user suguru geto, forever exiled and wanted dead, now merely a fly at the mercy of the web you’ve created. trapped in your apartment with his back turned to you, a mere lamb to the slaughter.
how easy it would be, for you to plunge a knife into his flesh. to curve your way along his spine.
you do nothing of the sort, though. and for some reason, the realization that you aren’t going to irks him, even though deep down he knew that would be the case. still, it crawls its way under his skin, along the arteries of his forearm, an itch he yearns to claw away.
how foolish. how very like you.
(what a cruel thing change can be, when no one else seems to succumb to it.)
unable to do anything but accept it, however, geto turns towards you once more. you stiffen, as if burned by his gaze, and a part of him delights in it.
”how have you been?” he asks, bright and courteous. there’s a genuinity to the question that geto can’t deny. something about this situation sends a spark of fondness running through his veins.
at the sound of his voice, your eyes soften again. it’s a subtle shift, but he doesn’t miss it. doesn’t think he ever really could, because even though the light inside your eyes makes him uncomfortable, down to the very marrow of his bones, he can do nothing but bask in it. in your attention, in that heavy gaze.
a single word could never hope to faithfully describe the emotion smouldering inside it — but if forced to, geto would humbly settle on resignation.
it’s almost as if you still haven’t fully accepted it, ten years down the line, that you’re only just beginning to. like even now, you’re convinced that it’s nothing more than one big joke; that he’s about to reveal a hidden camera, and gleefully tell you that it was all a prank to get back at satoru.
naive, naive, naive. but geto can’t deny that it tastes sweet, on his tongue — to imagine that you might still have some faith in him, after all this time.
a sigh leaves your lips. you sound a little bit exhausted. it sends a pang of ache to the very center of his heart, and a part of him yearns to soothe you. another part relishes in the pain he must have brought you over the years.
the rest of him smoothly tucks those stray thoughts away, as he brushes non-existent dust off from his robes.
then, your eyes take on a more tender hue. you ignore his question entirely, and speak in a low voice. raspy and sincere, and maybe just a tad bitter, given everything.
”those robes don’t suit you, suguru.”
— a shiver travels down his spine.
suguru.
(the way your lips form around the syllables is still so lovely.)
you’re full of surprises, as always. at least to a certain extent, he was expecting you to settle on geto, to draw a firm line in the sand between him and you. the ocean and the land, always meant to be separated by that thin line, kept apart in each other’s best interest.
but geto is beginning to accept that you’re going to do this your way — sincerely.
the statement is a veil, obscuring a million unspoken thoughts, double meanings that aren’t particularly hard to discern. a silent rejection, a quiet disapproval. there’s a grief to it that sits heavy on your tongue.
taking a moment to collect himself, geto meets your gaze, and all its weight. his lips curl up into a sad smile, a little fatigued. he wonders if you can hear it, in his voice.
(maybe it was stupid of him, to think he could keep this meeting professional.)
”… is that so?”
you continue to look at him, as if waiting for something else. but geto doesn’t give you what you want, that touch of tender honesty he’s sure you’re hoping for.
”i think they suit me just fine,” he playfully disagrees, instead, tone bordering on something childishly stubborn.
you wait just a single moment more, still clinging to that hope for something sincere, anything. 
then you huff. it sounds vaguely amused.
”you look like a con artist,” you deadpan, eyes flitting down to examine the outfit again. geto would be offended by your rudeness if you didn’t also happen to be right.
”how sweet of you,” he purrs, shooting you a smug smile. the words are lighthearted, mildly teasing. “that’s exactly what i’m going for.”
you give him an unimpressed look, that he mirrors with a perfect smile — and then you give in to another amused exhale, paired with a soft shake of your head.
there it is again, geto thinks. that sense of déjà vu. it’s equal parts eerie as it is comforting.
silence lingers in the air around you, as hazy sunlight flits in through the gap between your curtains and cascades across the floorboards. until you clear your throat endearingly, and walk past him.
”well, make yourself at home,” you murmur in passing.
considering the circumstances, the words are spoken fairly naturally, and geto has to resist the urge to laugh at how ridiculous this is. inviting a wanted criminal into your home, a literal mass murderer, and treating him with the same politeness you’d show to any other guest.
what would the elders think, he wonders, if they knew? would they brand you an accomplice, question your motives? put your head on the chopping block right next to his? he wouldn’t put it past them, the pieces of shit.
but despite his amusement, geto doesn’t laugh. he only watches as you make your way to the kitchen counter, a firefly catching his eye in the summer night.
(except you aren’t a firefly, and it’s not summer. it’s winter, and you’re someone geto wishes he didn’t still care for.)
”i was thinking of making tea,” you hum, voice soft but still easy for him to discern from his spot in the living room. ”do you want some?”
geto’s lips quirk up into a tiny smile. his voice is teasing, as it flows out from his lips.
”how generous,” he chirps, still idly watching the way you move around the open space, your hair changing colour in the flickering light of the sun. ”satoru could learn a thing or two from you.”
he expects you to flinch. a suitable reaction, to how casually he brings up his reunion with his best friend, like it’s nothing. like it means nothing. like nothing’s wrong.
geto knows it’s cruel, which is exactly why he does it.
but you don’t flinch. you don’t even stiffen. and he senses no anger in your body language, in the silence that settles in the space between his words and yours. all you do is exhale sharply, a little exasperated.
”you shouldn’t be so cruel to him.” a beat. your voice sounds just a little smaller when you continue. ”he’s missed you, you know.”
the reply is nearly instantaneous, and it’s bare. honest. you sound like you’re scolding him, but it’s more protective than angry. and it’s gentle, like you’re patching him up after a mission, reprimanding him for not being more careful.
at this point, geto can tell you have no intention of playing along. how annoying. he wishes you would — that earnest sadness and regret of yours is almost unbearable, and the gentle bluntness you present him with cuts much deeper than his casual cruelty ever could.
you aren’t going to play along, aren’t going to pretend you don’t care. geto wonders why you won’t, why you’re the only one who still refuses to.
satoru certainly has no issue with it. playing along, putting up a front. attempting to treat him coldly, as an enemy. but geto knows him, knows his soul like the back of his hand, and he could tell it was trembling when their eyes met. from underneath those bandages of his, the thin layer of cowardice that shields those precious eyes from the rest of the world. from geto.
and shoko is just as unbothered as ever. always playing it cool, never caught off guard or shaken to her core. geto can’t even tell if it’s an act or not, anymore. but he knows that she was angry, when they spoke that day, ten years in the past. knows she wanted to tell him off, but chose not to.
both her and satoru are like that. always have been. closed off, accustomed to bearing an unbearable weight, resigned to the ache that it brings them. acting distant in a desperate attempt to mend it.
you, though?
you were always a little too sincere for your own good, a little too true to yourself. it must hurt you, he thinks. it must hurt you even just to look at him. yet you continue to do so, unflinchingly.
that’s simply how you are.
you’ve always enjoyed dipping your toes into the grief of it all, leaning into the pain. always the first to take that step into the abyss. content to tear yourself open for everyone to see, even if no one follows suit.
never averting your eyes. never taking the easy way out.
(unlike him.)
geto hums, smiling a little at the sickening irony of it all.
the gentle clinking of ceramic resounds throughout the kitchen, and geto’s ears perk up. his gaze follows your hands, as they move to grab two cups from the wall cabinet. floral designs, he dully notes. blue bells on one, red camellias on the other. a porcelain teapot rests on the kitchen table, but no flowers adorn it.
without your expressions to keep him entertained, geto decides to wallow in the fleeting peace and quiet. aside from your soft breathing and the occasional clinking of teacups, there are no sounds to be heard. 
a moment that seems to exist outside of time and space, where time passes backwards and your shuffling in the kitchen is his only concern.
eager to satiate the mellow boredom in his chest, geto’s eyes begin to flit across the space of your apartment. greedily drinking in every detail he can see, as if he’s trying to memorize it all. maybe he is.
everything he can see is a piece of your existence, in one way or another. every inch of the apartment is littered with your fingerprints, your choices and fickle tastes.
like the rich yellow of the curtains you’ve picked out to frame the glass of the windows, bright and stark and blending smoothly in with the cream colour of the wallpaper surrounding it. or the forgotten cup on the table in front of the tv, a faded green. he vaguely remembers seeing you drink out of it back when things were still good, when you both thought of the school as your home.
a book rests on the duvet pillows of your couch, but he sees no bookmark peeking out from between the pages. geto wonders if you still dog-ear your books, and thinks to himself that a crime of that calibre would warrant your own exile if the world was only fair. alas, it isn’t. war of the foxes, he reads from the cover. ironic.
along the windowsills are potted plants, stacked up next to each other, green and flourishing despite the snowy wonderland of the outside world. their leaves differ in shape and size, some accompanied by blooming flowers. he imagines you watering them, dutifully, nurturing them with gentle hands and sleepy smiles. 
there are many things to look at, more and more little fragments sprouting up the longer geto continues to do so. a knitted sweater thrown over the wooden armrest of a chair. colourful candy wrappers littering the table. an old radio tucked away in a corner of the room. 
geto drinks it all in — a home you’ve painstakingly created, that you’ve allowed him into. he examines it thoroughly, the way an art dealer judges a painting on display. turning the image over inside his mind, twisting it, burning it into his retinas. soaking in every little detail he manages to find. 
your home.
(it’s so like you that it hurts.)
finally, geto thinks he’s had his fill of the living room. so he ventures into the kitchen, only a couple long strides away.
the scent that greets him this time is comforting, homey. the aroma of coffee grounds, a touch of leftover curry, a strong fragrance of blooming hyacinths and dried lavender sitting contentedly by the windowsill. through the translucent glass, geto sees layers upon layers of snow on the rooftops, and the gradual rise of the glittering sun. 
the quiet buzzing of the electric kettle is the only sound he hears, along with the rhythmic ticking of the clock on the wall, as his eyes wander along the kitchen.
the shelves are stacked with a variety of different spices, and glass jars of honey and jam. along the counters rest a wide array of kitchen appliances, from blenders to rice cookers to french presses. mugs with silly designs are stuffed into an opened wall cabinet, and geto recognizes some of them, to his silent delight. 
there are colourful post-it notes stuck to the fridge, messy scribbles of recipes and reminders. meetings, birthdays, grocery lists. even just little doodles, smiley faces and napping cats that make his lips quirk up. and polaroids — he tries not to let his gaze linger on the picture of satoru sleeping in the most uncomfortable, inhumane position he’s ever witnessed, nor the blurry image of shoko smoking by a balcony railing, sleeves cuffed and expression forlorn. he can’t imagine either of them noticed you snapping the photos.
(no polaroids of him. of course not. why would there be?)
geto tries not to look over at the fridge again, examining the floor and furniture instead. over in the corner stands a bowl of cat food, seemingly untouched. the kitchen table is covered with a checkered cloth, kept down by a plate of chocolate chip cookies. 
your kitchen is fairly small, but it’s cozy. rays of fresh sunlight envelop it in a giddy, ruminating glow. like something out of a dream.
when geto enters the space, your eyes flit over to him briefly, and he shoots you a friendly smile. your eyes do that thing, again, where they crumble a little at the corners and get a tad softer. like you’re looking at an old friend.
(he supposes you are.)
you clear your throat before speaking, as he takes in all the sights.
”what kind of tea do you want? i’ve got, uh…” 
with gentle movements, you open a wall cabinet, eyes swiftly scanning over the different labels of the many boxes, jars and sachets of tea inside. dutifully, you list off the ones you can see. 
”earl grey, chamomile… oolong, rooibos…” you continue, seemingly never running out of options, fingers tapping at the handle. ”ah, this one’s kinda weird. it’s supposed to be, like, cherry flavoured? don’t ask, satoru picked it out — but it tastes more like laundry detergent.” 
a pause. 
”it’s pretty good, though.”
geto can’t help it. the comment coaxes a chuckle from out his chest, and he’s surprised at how genuine it sounds when it spills from his lips. 
you seem to notice it, too, seeing as you perk up where you stand by the counter. out of the corner of his eye, geto thinks he almost catches the fleeting glimmer of a tiny smile on your lips.
and for a moment, everything feels familiar. eerie and comforting, in equal measure. a sense of nostalgia drifts throughout the kitchen, mingling with the scent of tea leaves and sunshine and freshly baked cookies. 
this is the opportunity you’ve given him — a slice of normalcy. as close to normalcy as one can come to in a situation such as this. a soft bout of laughter, shared between estranged childhood friends, one of which is a mass murderer. it’s really not normal at all.
normalcy is no more than a fever dream. that much has always been the case, but —
there’s a comfort in it, in this. the familiarity of it all. the way you settle into old roles, share knowing looks and cycle through old memories he knows you’re both haunted by.
it’s soothing.
he’s changed, and you’ve changed, but there’s still a sense of belonging between the two of you. in this moment, this sole flicker of nostalgia. in this kitchen.
and for a moment, geto almost forgets why he’s there. almost forgets the unforgettable, the inevitability of a choice he made long ago. it stings, and he wonders how you can bear it; this thin line between longing and awareness.
”so? what’ll it be?”
your voice rings out across the open space, face angled towards the table to meet his stare. 
geto hums, absentmindedly, and takes a step closer.
the narrow distance between you two lies heavy, as he shuffles up right next to you, haphazardly sweeping his eyes over the wide assortment in front of him. he can almost, almost hear your breath hitch when the fabric of his clothing grazes your shoulder.
he wonders if the tea is just an excuse, to be able to come so close. to bask in your warmth.
you don’t move away.
”oolong,” he firmly decides. he doesn’t really need to think about it.
then he swiftly turns on his heel, and takes a seat by the kitchen table. confident and graceful — as if this isn’t your kitchen, but his. unconcerned over table manners, his elbows resting on the wooden board, as his jaw meets the heel of his palm. he bites into one of the chocolate chip cookies, the sweetness crumbling on his tongue.
this time, you finally do stiffen — though geto doesn’t see it. he does, however, feel your lingering stare, and when he tilts his head in your direction he catches a glint of sorrow passing through the depths of your irises.
geto blinks. he tilts his head questioningly, a cue for you to follow.
and finally, finally, you stammer. barely, but it’s there. that nervous shiver of your voice.
”ah — sorry,” you mumble, gaze falling down to the floorboards. you seem almost flustered. ”it’s just…” 
there’s something raw in your voice, something that wavers. 
”back then, you’d always choose earl grey.”
a long moment of silence passes.
there are a million unspoken words in that sentence, geto knows. words you’ll never say, words you’ve always yearned to say. though he has no intention of digging them out. 
the sentiment is more than enough.
a bitter taste settles on his tongue, but he smiles, careful to keep his voice light.
”well,” he hums. ”some things change, i suppose.”
to that, you huff out a breath of amusement, turning around to face the counter once more. but not before eyeing his robes again, expression rich with humour.
”yeah,” you hum, lighthearted. something close to a chuckle. ”i suppose they do.”
geto grins softly, in tandem, from his spot by the table. like you’re still teenagers, sharing a look over an inside joke no one else is privy to.
after that, he simply watches you work, chewing at the treat while he waits for the tea to be done. the light of the electric kettle flickers off, and your hands curl around the handle, bringing it to rest next to the teapot on the tablecloth. he watches, expression mildly bored, as you grab the ceramic cups and the silken sachet bag of dried tea leaves.
a strong scent of oolong tea wafts through the air, when you flick your fingers to pour some of the leaves into the teapot. there’s a certain elegance in the way you pour the boiling water, slowly, in a smooth circular pattern. geto follows the movement, the rise and fall of the leaves as water fills the strainer.
you’re unhurried, methodical. there is care in the motion of your hands, the intense gaze you bear as you perform it. every slight twitch of your knuckles, the soft exhale you emit when the teapot has been filled. 
geto can do nothing but watch, in silent admiration. 
you put the porcelain lid back on, blocking the steam rising up in a flurry of warmth. while the tea simmers, soaking up the flavour of the leaves, you busy yourself with readying two teaspoons. 
”how do you take it, these days?” you ask him, as you languidly pour hot tea into the cups. ”any sweetener? milk?”
”one cube of sugar. no milk.”
at that, your eyes flit up, recognition blooming in them as you hear the familiar sentence. but geto keeps his gaze glued to the hyacinths on the windowsill, never meeting yours.
truthfully, he says it mostly to appease you. he figures he can give you this one thing, at least — this one hope that maybe everything hasn’t changed, after all. that he hasn’t changed, in his entirety, that there’s still some remnant left of who he used to be. even if all that’s left of him is just one single cube of sugar.
it’s kind of funny. but geto doesn’t laugh. 
you place a cup in front of him. the one adorned by red camellias. geto racks his brain, flitting through past conversations with florists and paragraphs memorized from non-fiction books on botany. what was it, again?
eternal love. long-lasting devotion.
the petals and the calyx of a camellia always fall together.
geto bites back a laugh. some part of him wonders if you’re making fun of him, if this is how you’re planning to release your pent-up anger — in such a petty, roundabout manner. but deep down he knows it was no more than an absentminded choice, on your part.
(you always hurt him most when it’s not your intention to do so.)
as you take a seat on the opposite side of the table, he gingerly touches the rim of the cup. soft steam rises from the liquid, its colour marigold-esque, and geto breathes it in deeply before bringing the ceramic to his lips.
you watch, in anticipation. intensely enough that he can feel it even when his eyes flutter shut, your gaze prickling his skin as he sips from the cup.
the warmth of the tea is comforting, a distinctly floral taste spreading along his tongue. there’s a slight nuttiness to the taste, a rich sweetness. as it runs down his throat, geto hears himself hum softly. a satisfied smile slips into the curve of his lips. inside the depths of his chest, a light nostalgia swirls, pleasant and tingly. 
he remembers moonlit nights, whispered secrets you could only ever tell each other, the glimmer of aluminium and rush of caffeine as you gulped down the too-sweet coffee that the vending machines had to offer.
he remembers sunny mornings, muffled laughter shared in the solitude of the kitchen, basking in the floral scent of chamomile and lavender and everything in between as the world woke up around you.
with a clink, geto sets his cup down on the table, pinkie raised lightly. smile a tad bittersweet.
”this is good tea.”
a moment passes. you break out into a genuine smile, nearly beaming, delighted by his approval. 
”isn’t it?” you chirp, fingers curling around your own cup, the little painted flowers adorning it. blue bells. geto recalls that old wives’ tale — how wearing a wreath of blue bells compels one to tell the truth. ”nanami got this one for me, actually.”
he smiles, perking up ever so slightly. a little more animated. ”oh?” he takes another sip. ”he always was a snob, wasn’t he.” 
that makes your own smile grow, lips twitching upwards, and an amused exhale flows from your lips. a gentle breath. you always were very fond of your grumpy underclassman. ”yeah.”
there’s something familiar about this, geto can’t help but think. eerily so. an acute sense of déjà vu, the same one that’s been plaguing him all morning.
the way you’re treating him isn’t how one would treat an enemy, nor a stranger — it’s how one would treat an old friend. that, and nothing more.
(geto wishes he could say it didn’t soothe his heart so terribly.)
he allows himself to sink deeper into the rotten sweetness of it all. indulges in this one fleeting moment, before everything crashes and burns. 
the world outside your kitchen is a cold one, he knows, blanketed by snow and frost that has yet to be stained red. the pure white is a warning, not a consolation — a reminder that there are still things to be lost.
the world of curses is an empty promise, the promise of suffering being rewarded. the idea that the sun will melt the frost around your legs if you wade through enough snow. 
(but geto knows better.)
outside your kitchen, only one path exists for him. it isn’t a kind one, nor is it particularly comforting. but, unlike those empty promises, that path has a truth to it. an end point, that isn’t just wait and see what happens, maybe the sun will rise if you’re lucky.
he isn’t a fool. the world is as cruel as it is beautiful, which is a false simile because cruelty is only ever beautiful when you aren’t a part of it. another one of those empty promises. geto has no idea how they kept him going for so long.
but here, in this moment — the world feels rather kind. kind in the sense of being just enough, the kind of brief solace that used to give him enough hope to get through the day.
for now, this aching gap of yet-to-be-ruined is enough. it’s all that he cares about, all that exists.
— but all good things must eventually come to an end. 
geto knows it better than anyone, so he isn’t particularly surprised when he looks up to see your face set into hard lines.
you meet his eyes with a certain flickering determination, a conviction — and geto knows you’re about to cross the comfortable line he was hoping you could both maintain for just a little longer.
”suguru.”
he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t need to. a smile is enough. so his lips curl up, silently.
”can i ask you something?”
every move geto makes is calculated, a performance, as your words sink into his subconscious. dragging the silence out, as if trying to waltz around the inevitable end of this sickeningly sweet game of morning chess. 
the slow circling of his spoon, creating a vortex for the oolong tea to follow, as it catches the light falling from the window. the way he leans back, to make himself comfortable, letting his jaw rest on the heel of his palm as he dissects your expression from across the table.
there is something almost taunting in his eyes. 
but he smiles. courteous, bright. ”go ahead.”
for just a second, he sees you falter. just a smidge, but the way your nails dig into the skin of your palm is telling, just like the way your eyes choose to linger on the tablecloth a second longer than they need to.
then you meet his eyes once more, and begin to speak. geto hangs on to your words, as if they even matter.
”i’m not expecting you to be honest with me,” you state, bluntly. he’s glad to know you’re on the same page for once. ”but i’d appreciate it if you could. just this one time. i won’t ask for anything else.”
another long and tactful sip of his tea. he wasn’t lying, before — it really is very nice. the flavour is strong and thick on his tongue, sweet and bitter all in one. expensive. the pads of his fingers tap along the ceramic of his cup, right over the red flowers that seem to taunt him so.
here it comes. your lips part, but no sound comes out, and geto knows you’re thinking of how best to phrase your inquiry. it doesn’t take you long to decide, a firmness blossoming in the scope of your iris. a sense of finality.
”are you happy?”
despite everything, his breath hitches in his throat. the movement of his fingers halts.
your question comes out clear, candid, sincere. the look in your eyes makes him feel a little like he’s being devoured. vaguely aware of how his smile wavers, for just a split second, geto can only hope you don’t notice it — but he doubts you do, because you only continue to speak, unperturbed.
”i’m sure you’ve changed a lot, these past ten years. and i’m sure you’ve had more than enough time to convince yourself that you’re happy, even if you aren’t.” you bite your lip. ”i should’ve asked you this a long time ago. but now — i’m asking.”
geto’s eyes never leave your face.
”are you happy? are you genuinely satisfied with your life? are you happy with your choice?” 
there’s something desperate in your eyes, now. something geto can’t look away from, despite himself. all he can do is touch the ceramic beneath his fingers, hot enough to burn, and listen to you speak. 
”if… if you are, then —” 
you take a deep breath, a sharp inhale that geto would mimic if he wasn’t dead set on maintaining his composure.
”— then i won’t get in the way. i’ll let you live your life the way you want to. just as long as that’s true.” 
geto looks at you, smile nowhere to be seen. time itself seems to halt, in the space of your kitchen. the current center of the world.
he doesn’t dare to even breathe.
”… but,” your voice trembles. you stare intently at your own cup, surely beginning to grow lukewarm at this point. what a waste of good tea. ”if you aren’t happy, then —”
a pause. no one says a thing.
”then what?” geto spits. his voice comes out sounding just a tad sharp, cold like the frost outside your apartment. more so than he meant it to.
your pupils waver, before you lift your head to look at him. the resolution in your eyes makes his breath hitch. an unflinching kindness, one he can’t remember you ever not having.
”— then i’ll do whatever it takes to change that. no matter what.” a beat. “even if it makes you hate me.”
such immense honesty.
geto wonders why he came here, in the first place.
to declare war. was that his genuine desire, though? or was it just another excuse?
with satoru, he can pretend. with shoko, he can pretend. with himself, he can certainly pretend.
but with you?
his fingers leave the ceramic, eyes burning with a decision mirroring yours.
geto’s burned many bridges, in his life. but this particular bridge is one he’ll miss. the cinders that follow won’t keep him warm, that much he knows.
but in the face of such honesty — such genuine kindness — he couldn’t bear not to give you a serious answer.
(it’s the least he could do for you.)
”i am.”
a moment passes. the center of the world shifts. 
”i’m happy with my choice.”
it was the only one worth making.
as they fall from his lips, the words taste heavy, absolute. in the light of a morning still yet to be broken by the passage of time, your eyes shift. for a moment geto wonders if you’ll close them. if you’ll give yourself that one relief.
you don’t.
instead, you bite your lip, eyes stubbornly never leaving his own. now you look a little angry, a little frustrated. he’s glad to see that flicker of fury directed at him, at last.
”but are you happy?” you persist, frustrated in a way that buzzes with kindness and concern. a way that makes him feel rather lost.
geto hears himself speak before he has a chance to think about his answer. the voice that comes out of his throat sounds oddly soft.
”that doesn’t matter.”
”it should.”
your reply is equally instantaneous. and geto feels a tremor run through his heart.
”are you happy, suguru?” you try again, pleading. that hope of yours is back, the hope that he’ll be honest just this once. sincere, even just for a syllable or two.
the clock on the wall ticks, hands moving methodically and cruelly, second by second. another moment of time burned to cinders. geto knows what must be done.
this mindless self-indulgence was nice, for a while. but geto has more bridges to burn. more wars to brew.
one final touch. that’s what he’ll give you, in return for your generosity. one final touch of tender honesty, even if it burns his tongue.
”i will be,” he exhales, breathless. ”once all this is over.”
then he gets up from his chair, the squeaking of wood against the floorboards signaling a parting. your eyes never leave his face, as he dusts off his robes absentmindedly, glancing at the half-finished cup on the table.
then geto smiles at you. there’s a fondness to it, one he’d only ever show you. his eyes crinkle, just barely, and the dark brown of his iris shifts into a mellow amber as sunlight cascades down the contours of his face. a genuine smile.
”thank you for the tea.”
there it is. your eyes soften, again, helplessly. 
you aren’t satisfied. geto doubts you ever will be.
but you’ve always been the only one to tear yourself open, the only one to step into the abyss. geto has always admired it, just as much as he’s always found it foolish. not once has he ever followed suit.
things like honesty and tenderness don’t suit him. he doesn’t think they suit any sorcerer, except maybe for you.
at last, that grieving resignation finds its way to your eyes again. it doesn’t hurt him as much this time, perhaps because he was waiting for it.
”… you’re welcome,” you breathe. a sad little breath.
geto allows himself to look at you for just a moment more.
then he turns on his heel.
”well, this was nice,” he hums. ”but i really must be going now.”
pleasant and jovial. a voice unsuited for a situation like this. geto wonders if it hurts you as much as it hurts him.
rubbing salt into wounds is all he seems to do these days, anyhow. so he smiles. ”i’ll see you on the battlefield, i hope —”
”suguru.”
deep down, geto knows that there’s no going back from this. that the moment he moves his feet, the moment he leaves your apartment — the moment he steps over the threshold in front of him — he can never return.
your kitchen was never his to walk into, in the first place. he was never meant to set foot into your home. that was your choice. geto can’t help but think that it’s every bit as cruel as the one he made ten years ago.
your voice is the same as always. sad and fond. familiar, in how it twists and tugs at his heart in a way nothing else can anymore.
geto waits. he’ll let you have the final word. the final piece moved into place. checkmate.
he’ll let you be the one to devour that aching gap.
curse me, he whispers to the confines of his mind. resent me. i’ve caused you so much pain.
curse me yourself, so i can hate you properly.
”if you ever want another cup, i’ll be here.”
silence falls upon the kitchen.
geto stands still, feet rooted in the spot by the threshold separating the kitchen from the living room. the ticking of the clock is the only sound he hears.
there isn’t a trace of resentment in your voice.
(he wishes you would play along, even just once.)
a low hum buzzes in his throat. the seconds stretch on; more hands moved, more time burned into nothing. the silence is deafening, thick and heavy. an intense moment of contemplation, as geto tries not to shiver under the warmth of your constant gaze, burning into his back.
the center of the world shifts, once more. the gaze of fate falls upon the two of you, bathed in the rays of the rising sun, in a kitchen where normalcy is a little more than just a fever dream.
it doesn’t mean anything, anything at all.
geto knows it. he knows it better than anyone. but maybe he can allow this mindless self-indulgence to carry on, for just a little longer. if only to give him the excuse he needs to see you again, to stand in your kitchen like this, like the view of the rising sun is something he’s allowed to behold.
how greedy. how callous. hasn’t he always been, though?
just for a little bit longer.
”… you know,”
geto takes a step forward, robes fluttering with the movement, heavy and pious. he crosses the threshold, words just above a whisper, just loud enough for you to hear.
(in the space between the words, laced together with the silence, lies the ghost of a smile.)
”it’s been a while since i had earl grey.”
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kaurwreck · 4 days
Text
fyodor and bram have each lived several lives over, but bsd itself is an opportunity at life for authors whose works spill with grief and loneliness and compassion and love and the desire to know and be known, a cycle of trying and failing and nonetheless trying again. teruko became water which, too, exists in a cycle, and fukuchi has been resurrected into something seemingly monstrous but wasn't akutagawa first a villain and terminally ill, and then a vampire and dead, and then someone who could look at atsushi with bright eyes and say "do we need any more?" the phrase itself being hope recycled and given yet another opportunity to burn after first being extinguished. bsd is not about succeeding. it is about failing and the forgiveness and compassion and love that converge into the ferocity to try anyway.
war and trauma and loss are cyclical, but so are love and hope and the will to nonetheless exist.
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genderkoolaid · 7 months
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I saw someone saying the male loneliness epidemic is a stupid concept because men are more likely than women to leave terminally ill spouses. Difference in scale aside, I don't understand why people always have to make it a war? It's as if you can't talk about any group's issues without inherently making another's seem less in comparison. Both are real problems (and I would say they're not unrelated), you don't need to ridicule one to bring attention to another.
"The idea that patriarchy makes people with a relationship to manhood extremely lonely because of the individualist, stoic and competitive nature of patriarchal masculinity is FALSE, actually, men are more likely to do this thing and therefore nothing else matters" literally how anti feminists talk about misogyny
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maxislvt · 1 year
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Could I request a dark fic where Vampire!Wanda and Mortal!Reader fall in love, and after getting married, Wanda offers to turn Reader into a vampire but Reader says no. However, years go by and Reader is on their deathbed, about to succumb to old age, when Wanda decides she must turn Reader whether they like it or not.
Thank you!
p.s. i am a simp for Vampire Mommy Wanda
warnings: angst, mention of terminal illness, arguin
I didn't realize the old age part so this is just kinda sadder than need be
Death was the price that came with loving a mortal.
As a vampire, Wanda was cursed to live forever. An eternity filled with nothing but quick flings that would amount to nothing in the end. It was a rather sad love life, but Wanda had convinced herself she was okay with it. With a legacy to keep secret and company to run — her schedule was pretty tight. A relationship would just add more stress. That's what she told herself. Then you came along and ruined a near two hundred year streak of being single.
You were everything Wanda wanted in a lover. Someone gentle and kind to cut down the bitterness she'd collected over the years. It didn't take long for her to realize how much she needed you. Wanda clung to you for dear life. The mere thought of you leaving her sent her into a spiral. You were always quick to put out her fears. You never even considered leaving Wanda. She gave you her everything — you had no reason to.
Wanda wasn't entirely sure what she'd done to make you change your mind.
"You said—" Wanda took a deep breath. She'd never been so upset with you before. "You said you'd never leave me! We were supposed to be together forever." You always had a way of making Wanda feel things that had laid dormant for years. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this upset. Her cheeks burned with hot tears. After everything she had done for you, you were still so comfortable just leaving her? It wasn't fair. "I won't be able to love anyone else."
You flinch at the harsh reality in Wanda's words. "I'm not leaving you. It's just my time to go." You had come to terms with the fact you'd die months ago. The doctors handed you a diagnosis and said you only had so long. Fighting it was futile. You didn't expect Wanda to be okay with it. Finding love after decades of loneliness only to have it ripped away was a pain beyond your imagination. But you only had about two weeks left and you didn't want that dread hanging over your head the entire time. "Just love me as much as you can, while you still can." You spoke as softly as you could. "Come here, I want to cuddle."
Wanda took a deep breath before laying down next to you. Fear still ran hot through her vines. It was making her irrational. "I could do it forever if you'd just let me-"
"I don't want to be turned into a vampire. You have to respect that. "
"I don't want to be alone forever, can't you respect that?"
You sighed and rubbed your temples. "Wanda, you're being selfish. Think about all the people I care about and would have to watch die. I can't do that." Your arms wrapped around Wanda's body and pulled her close. "I don't really want to talk about this anymore. Let's just call it a night. Please?"
Wanda pulled away and looked down at you. She could see life fading from your body. You were paler and the bags under your eyes were getting darker. Even the light in your eyes was starting to fade. It was like looking at a doomsday clock meant specifically just for you. Wanda would do anything to keep that clock from sticking 12. She wasn't going to let you die. Your approval was going to have to take the backseat for her to do that. "Okay, I won't bring it up anymore." She placed a gentle kiss on your lips before laying back down and holding you close.
She wasn't foolish enough to do it while you were awake. Once Wanda was sure you'd fallen asleep, her fangs buried themselves into your lower back. Sickness had tainted the taste of your blood forever ago. The sugary sweetness had now faded into something bitter and medicinal. She sucked until she had taken just enough to turn you. Her tongue licked at the wound so it'd be healed by the morning.
You'd hate her for it. Maybe you'd argue again or run off screaming with the hopes of finding a cure. You would come back eventually. Eventually, Wanda would be the only one you'd have left to run to. It appeared you had figured that out faster than Wanda expected.
Wanda expected nothing less from someone as smart as you.
"Wanda," You whispered from the bathroom. Despite calling for her, you didn't even spare your partner a glance. Your eyes focused on the cut quickly healing on your finger. You wipe away the blood slowly. Focusing on the task to avoid blowing up at the woman standing in the door frame. A heavy sigh fell from your lips as you turned to face her. "Why'd you do it?" The look in your eyes was cold and almost uncaring.
That wasn't the first time you looked at her like that. It certainly wouldn't be the last now that you two had an eternity together.
"I did what I thought was best." Wanda stretched out her arms. "I know it's going to be scary at first, but I'm going to be here with you every step of the-"
You quickly pushed past Wanda. You grabbed a bag and began stuffing your clothes in it. "I can't be around you right now." Every word Wanda said fell on deaf ears as you continued packing. There was nothing she could say that would make you feel better. Just as you tried to zip up the bag, Wanda tried to snatch away. "Wanda, I don't want to hear it!" You shouted before snatching the bag away from her. It felt good to be strong enough to stand up for yourself. You turned and walked away.
"Stop walking away from me and listen!"
Your body stopped dead in its tracks. How could you have forgotten? Turned vampires were nothing to someone from a bloodline as powerful as Wanda's. That was just another way you'd be inferior to her.
Wanda turned your body so you were forced to look at her. "I did what I had to do to keep us happy. I will not sit here and let you make me a villain for putting you first!" She could see the anger burning bright behind your eyes "I gave you my whole heart and I'm not going to let you run off and break it!" It didn't feel right yelling at you. It wasn't your fault you were born a mortal or her a vampire. But something had to be done in order for you two to stay together. Wanda needed reassurance but all you were showing her was animosity. "Say something damn it! I need you!"
For a moment you just stared at Wanda. Fighting the urge to obey her wasn't easy, but you weren't going to let her win.
"I hate you more than anything right now."
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reidsdimples · 7 days
Text
Strictly Professional | Part 5 {Finale}
18+❤️‍🔥 MDNI ‼️
Spencer Reid x BAU!Reader
Time to confront the truth. Will you and Spence sink or swim?
Part 4 | Masterlist
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“Hotch, what’s going on?” You hear Spencer say as he opens the door. You’re still in the running shower. “I have company so…”
Good, maybe Hotch will leave and not ask any questions. You decide to leave the shower on and start drying off and getting dressed. You were completely baffled, you had no idea what to do with yourself.
“I’m finalizing this case report and need more information on this part of your statement,” you hear them murmuring outside of the door.
A few minutes pass and you hear him leaving.
“Oh and one more thing,” you hear Hotch pause outside of the bathroom door. Your stomach sinks. “Y/N come on out,” he sounds exasperated.
Shit.
Fuck.
He knows, of course he fucking knows.
You open the bathroom door slowly, you’re pretty sure your face is flushed white as a ghost. Hotch looks between the two of you, his brow furrowed and his mouth set in a hard line.
“Do you understand this could jeopardize the professionalism of this team?” He shook his head, not angrily but more disappointedly. “The two of you need to have a conversation about what you’re willing to risk for one another. We will discuss the next steps back at Quantico.”
With that he turns and exits the room. You don’t know who is more stunned, you or Spence.
Spencer was about to tell you he wants more and now this. You could see his walls shooting back up, detachment becoming ever present in his eyes. He had made a home in solitude, grown cozy in loneliness’ embrace. Perhaps you had too.
“What are we-“ you start.
“There can’t be a we,” he levels his eyes on you, his tone stern. “This has to stop.”
“Are you serious?” You scoff at him. “We’re already caught Spence, we can’t undo it.”
“No but he can transfer or fire one or both of us. We can’t have sexual or romantic relationships with other members of the same unit. You know that,” he retorts.
“I get that it jeopardizes the team, you don’t think that worries me too?” You approach him and grab his arm as he turns from you. He jerks his arm away. “I think Hotch with work with us on this,” you plead.
“No. This is just too much,” he snaps.
“Fine,” you scoff. “I’ll see you in Hotch’s office tomorrow.”
With that you storm out of his room, with what little dignity you scavenge.
Tears sting your eyes when you crawl back into the far too big hotel bed. Why were you so stupid to think you could actually have him?
-
“Come in, sit,” Hotch’s stern face sends fear up your spine.
You glance at Spence who walks ahead of you, pulling his shoulder bag off and placing it on the floor. The two of you sit in the chairs facing Hotch’s desk, intimidated wasn’t a strong enough word.
Could your future at the BAU be in jeopardy? Never mind a future with Spence.
Hotch sits and looks between the two of you for a moment. Is he expecting on of you to speak?
You dare a look at Spencer, who by the looks of it, hardly slept either. At least he dozed on the jet.
“How long have you known?” Spencer asks.
“A while,” Hotch answers and scribbles something on a pad. “I realize I’ve paired you two up a lot this year. So I’m going to start there in the spirit of remedying this situation. First, the two of you will be partnered with other agents when we’re in the field,” he sighs.
“But you said yourself that we work great together,” you argue in reference to your recent evaluation.
“And I stand by that. This is about ensuring that your loyalties also lie with the other members of this team, not just one another,” his eyes bead into you.
“The manual says that it’s only forbidden once it proves to impact our job performance, it hasn’t,” Spencer says coldly.
You stare at the side of his head, was he actually fighting for this?
“It only says relationships are discouraged, but this is not a terminable offense,” Spencer adds.
“I’m not here to terminate either of you,” Hotch swears. “I’m here to ensure that this” he gestures between you. “Does not impact job performance in the future. I’ve been meaning to address this for a while.”
Spencer sighs, you do too. At least no one was losing their job.
“Now, apart from separating you two in the field…” Hotch pauses. “The team most likely already knows something is up. But don’t make it a thing, don’t make it obvious. I don’t need Strauss or the brass coming down on me about this. What you do in your off time is your business,” he says and writes something else on his notepad.
“Of course,” you nod when he glances up at you. Spencer just nods too.
“This also means no disappearing together into filing rooms or old offices,” he places his pen down and latches his fingers together. “Is that clear?”
Your face reddens. Oh fuck, he knew about that?
“Crystal,” Spencer swallows. His jaw twitches and feathers. Sex at work was definitely a terminable offense.
“Should I have to address this again, the consequences will be grave. Do not let your personal lives effect your job,” he says with finality.
You’re shaking, but you place your hands under your legs to stop it.
“Reid you’re going with Rossi and Prentiss to Dallas tonight to consult on a case there. Y/N you’re staying here with the rest of the team to work on a kidnapping in DC,” Hotch instructs and stands.
Both of you scramble to your feet like two kids in the principles office and confirm your understanding of your orders.
You leave first with your head down. You just way to focus on work, focus on the kissing kid. You meet JJ, Garcia, and Morgan at the round table to get started.
-
“Just come over,” Garcia whines later that night.
“Fine,” you laugh.
“I want to know all about what happened,” she smiles but rubs your back sympathetically.
The kidnapping case closed pretty quick, luckily the child was found safe and the unsub was taken in. You were thankful for an easier case after the last few darker ones.
Spencer would be in Dallas by now and you probably wouldn’t hear a peep from him until they got back. The two of you rarely texted, and you didn’t know where or how the two of you left things. Everything was up in the air.
Then again, you pleaded with him last night to fight for you. To some degree he did in Hotch’s office… or he was just fighting for his job. You sighed, you had no idea where his head was.
You just knew you felt sad, heavy. You wanted him, you wanted him to want you back. The whole thing sucked. Somewhere along the way you began wanting more from him while he seemed content just to have sex. The whole thing was getting messier.
You also knew you shouldn’t be telling Penelope any of this, per Hotch’s orders. But you trust her, she hadn’t told anybody when she found out.
“So he didn’t say anything to you when he left for Dallas?” Garcia sat on the couch and handed you your own ice cream.
“Nothing, barely even looked at me today,” you frown.
“I think he’ll come around. Especially since Hotch gave you guys specific parameters to operate within. He’ll work it all out in that big brain of his and come running back. I just know it,” Penelope huffed.
You hoped she was right. You weren’t sure. A big part of the excitement for both of you was the thrill of getting caught. What lay outside of that meant confronting the possibility of more, of a real relationship. Not just fun and games.
You and Penelope spent the rest of the night getting wine drunk and watching cheesy scary movies.
The following days drug on slowly with no contact from Spencer. You finally had a day off though and you were determined to make the best out of it.
You treated yourself to a massage, a mani pedi,a new hair cut, and new highlights.
By the time you got home you were pampered and worn out. You made short work of feeding your cat before wrapping your hair and getting in the welcoming hot shower.
When you had time to think, you always drifted back to Spencer. In your head though, it was Spencer without those damned walls up. The sweet and caring one, the fearlessly unafraid to be loved version of him. It was a side you rarely met. But you saw it, lying below the surface. That part of him that craved love, hoped beyond all hope that love would find him.
You found yourself hoping he found it one day. After everything he had gone through, after so much heartbreak, he deserved it. You just needed to be okay with the possibility of it not being with you. Selfishly, you weren’t there yet.
Steam billowed out of the shower as you dried off and wrapped your towel around you. You frown at the bathroom door, not recalling closing it. Weird.
Upon stepping out of the bathroom, you nearly have a heart attack.
“Fuck Spencer!” You scream. He’s sitting in the arm chair across from your bed, flipping through a book. “That’s it, give me the key,” you hold your hand out.
He looks up at you and smirks.
“No welcome back to Virginia?” He jokes.
“Na uh, nope. I’m still mad at you,” you reach down and snatch his keys from his lap. “Why are you here?” You cross your arms.
He looks devastating, he’s still wearing a FBI jacket, a tie, a checkered button down, and slacks. His hair is artistically messy, and he’s looking up at you with those big eyes.
“I-“ he hesitates, all humor gone from his face. “I don’t want to lose this.” It’s the most honest he’s been about ‘this’.
“And what is this Spencer? Huh? You don’t want to date me, but you kind of want more? I don’t get it,” you throw your hands up and walk away from him into the living room.
“I was afraid,” he grabs your arm and turns your towards him,
“Of losing your job?” You let breath hitches because of the physical contact.
“Partially, mostly because the way I feel about you is…” he trails off as he stares into your eyes.
“Completely unprofessional,” you smirk.
“Completely,” he exhales.
“What do you want?” You ask him.
“I want you to be mine, I want to take you out, and date you but in secret so the team doesn’t know. I want to stop pretending like I don’t care about you. Like I don’t spend every moment away from you hurrying to get back. It’s maddening,” he pushes his hand into your hair, caressing the side of your head. You blink as you try to take in the words you’d longed for for so long.
“This whole time I’ve just wanted you,” your voice is hushed, choked with the threat of tears.
He pulls you into him and crashes his lips into yours. You get the peculiar feeling that you’re kissing the real Spencer Reid for the first time. He’s gentle, vulnerable, soft, and starving for you. He’s not holding back, he’s running his hands up your body and discarding the towel. He whimpers when you pull his hair and push him into the wall.
“Will you be my girlfriend. Please,” he begs with his hands on your hips.
“Yes,” it’s breathless and you kiss him harder.
He hoists you up and wraps your legs around his waist before carrying you back to your room.
You giggle when he lays you on the bed and begins trailing kisses down your body. His soft lips clamp over your nipple, pulling a moan from you. His strong hands squeeze your thighs as his body hovers over your center.
He plants kisses down your stomach, on your hip bones, and then to your inner thighs. Your body comes alive for him, as if reaching for the deepest expanse of the universe, needing and needing more.
“Please,” you whimper as he kisses around your pussy teasingly.
“We’re not in a hurry this time baby,” he shushes you. The word baby feels like a sweet caress and has you whimpering for him.
You feel his middle finger run down from your clit to your entrance, spreading the wetness between your folds, before he pushes in into you. Those perfect fingers, you couldn’t get enough.
“Fuck,” you whine.
At which point he pressing his tongue into you as well, your whole body shuddering in response. He drags its upward, slowly until he finds your clit. He flicks and sucks at the sensitive bundle of nerves while he works a second and third finger into you.
You’re so wet that you’re soaking him, but he loves it, he devours you. He curls his fingers upward and starts lumping you harder and more violently.
“Cum for me, show me that you’re mine,” he begs. You glance down at him, his perfect fucking face between your legs and you’re done for.
You grip his hair, grind yourself against his face, and cum hard until you’re practically crying his name.
“Yours baby,” you whimper.
Then he’s climbing on top of you, still clothed but he’s undone his belt and pulled his cock free.
“Wait,” you whisper and start undoing his shirt. You both laugh at how clumsily you undo the buttons but you finally manage to strip him of it. “You’re so sexy, Spence,” you place your hand on his chest where you feel his heart hammering.
Somewhere in all of your hooking up you picked up on him not loving his thin frame. You wanted to make sure he knew that you did. He smiles shyly as you pull your knees back for him.
He hovers over you for a moment, as if just to look at the girl he now calls his. Then he slowly pushes himself into you, allowing you to stretch to his size, your walls tightening perfectly around him.
“Mine,” you arch your back and moan, feeling every inch of him.
It’s a declaration that means the world to him. He begins to roll his hips into you, more passionately and needy than he ever had before.
This was more than just sex, more than just fucking. He was relishing the feeling of you more than usual, he was taking his time. His hands held you close as though he were afraid he’d lose you, his lips couldn’t cover enough of your skin as if he needed to mark you. Then he did just that, he bite and sucks at your breasts while thrusting into you until you were coming apart for him.
He flattened himself on you, pushing deeper, needing to be closer until you were clawing at his back, until your legs wrapped his hips. You latched your mouth onto his chest and marked him for yourself. You greedily did so three more times, enjoying the sound of him sucking air through his teeth and locking eyes with you while he absorbed the pain.
You knew he was close when you came around him a second time. He pushed himself up on his palms, focusing with his mouth open, as he angled his hips to hit that sweet spot inside of you a few more times.
“Spencer,” you were practically begging for mercy.
A fourth orgasm would shatter you. But he wouldn’t accept anything less tonight. You both needed this.
He took one of your hands and laced his fingers between yours as he flatted it to the mattress next to your head. You watched his hips move as he pleasured you, as his cock moved in and out of you. Fuck, you would never tire of this, of him.
“Cum with me baby,” he breathes.
You do, your eyes roll back as the sensation seizes you, until you’re wound so tight that stars explode in your vision. You crescendo with him, shaking and screaming as he pumps into you.
“So good, you’re doing so good,” he’s moaning but you barely hear him. You feel out of body, you feel unreal, you’ve never felt so good is all you can think as your body starts humming.
When he pulls out of you and drags you against him, your limbs are jelly and you’re trembling.
You latch onto him and lay across his chest, listening to the sound of his heart, lost in the afterglow.
He gathers your hair from your face and pushes it back as he kisses the top of your head.
“You did so good baby,” he whispers again. You take his hand and kiss his palm gently.
“I like when you call me that,” you admit.
“Get used to it,” he smiles as his hand rubs lazy circles on your back.
“You get used to it. You’re stuck with me now Spencer Reid,” you smirk and kiss his chest.
He sits up suddenly.
“Is that rain?” He pulls back the curtain, then gets excited. “Throw something on, “ he smiles as he puts on his undershirt and pants.
“Why?” You groan.
“This is perfect,” he smiles and drags you playfully out of bed.
“Fine,” you laugh and tug on a tank top. “Where are we going?”
He grips your hand and pulls you behind him.
“Wait we’re not wearing shoes!” You squeal as he pulls you out of the house.
“Even better!”
He pulls you into the grass just outside, the rain coming down starts to drench you both immediately.
You try to run back to shelter but he seizes you around your waist and spins you around.
“Spence,” you squeak out a laugh. He turns you towards him, he’s smiling hard, his hair soaked.
“I’ve always wanted to kiss my girlfriend in the pouring rain,” he says and kisses you sweetly. He kisses you until you don’t care about the rain, until you know that you’re his and always will be.
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A/N- thank you guys for following and loving on this fic 🫶🏻 it means the world to me that you guys loved it enough to keep asking for more!
Check out the master list on my page for other stories 🫶🏻
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fried-peaches00 · 2 months
Text
Late Night Talks
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Teylan x Sarentu Reader
Ratings: SFW, a little fluff, a little angst
Word Count: 800
Spoilers for the beginning of the cloudy forest story arc!!!
Kczz…kz…”Hello…” Kcz
The soft static buzz of the walky-talky resting at your side interrupted by a timid voice whispering meekly into the night rouses you from your sleep. While the rest of the resistance gathers around the fire to enjoy a meal and a moment of rest in light of the first — albeit small and mediocre — victory since being flushed from the Kinglor Forest, you retreat to the living quarters. After another long day of close calls with increasingly agressive beasts both feral and RDA alike you chose to revel in the warm lights, tapestries and bean bags among the barrack-like bunk beds. Just as you had barely drifted to sleep to the sounds of distant laughter and soft conversations your walks-talky buzzes to life. 
It takes you a moment in your stupor to orient yourself, picking up the comms device much like you used to a phone in you TAP days,
”Hello?” You exhale, rubbing your face.
kczvvv…” I miss you…”
You jump to sit upright, becoming unsteady and light headed in the process. You would know that voice anywhere. You heard those same three words on long stretches of being with the Zeswa or deep in the Kinglor Forest, far from the Dyer’s Bowl and resistance headquarters. 
“Teylan!” You wince realizing how loud you were. These days his name was a grimaced at, a slur almost. Blinded by his loneliness and naivety, his actions were responsible for the death of many friends and loved ones. You haven't heard from him since that first day when you escaped the helicarrier, no matter how often you chatted into the void of the walkie talkie static on long nights spent trekking among the trees. After so long you had begun to fear if he had done something stupid, permanent,
”Teylan, are you okay? Where are y-“
”I don’t want you to come for me, I’m okay for the night… I just… I need to hear your voice.” He sighs shakily. He berates himself with shame for even entertaining the idea of contacting you after what he’s done let alone going through with it, you can hear it in the hesitation between each fragmented sentence. It takes every fiber in your being to not insist you should bring your boy home,
”Okay, only if you promise you’re alright.” You bite your lip, leaning to get a better view of the hallway through the shelves acting as dividers for the sleeping quarters. 
”I miss you too, Teylan. I worry about you a lo-“
” I never should have done it!” He explodes, feedback from the walkie-talkie piercing through your skull,
”I wanted us to be together again and was blinded by my own stupid-Stupid!” He sniffles, taking a few shallow breaths,
”And now… We were further apart than ever… People died because of me. My friends died. Hajir and Daniella. I miss them.”  You hear him take a strained sob,
”An- And I’ll never get to see you again…” He whispers, breaking your heart. You can’t imagine him alone in some computer terminal, cold and lonely upon his own exile. He should be here, with you, warm tucked under your arm. Or at the very least celebrating with the rest of your friends, filling his belly with good food the Kama’tire and Zeswa bring from their homes,
”Breath, Baby. Take a deep breath.” Teylan heaves a few shallow, painful sounding, breathes before taking a shaky sigh,
”You know that’s not true, Teylan, You can have your space but I won’t let you stay away forever.” You murmur, looking towards your pouch containing the paper RDA map you recovered from an abandoned base; laden with marks for searched locations and clues of Teylan’s whereabouts,
”I can’t lie to you, honey, you fucked up big time.” You wince hearing him whimper into another set of sobs,
”But you aren’t the only one. Nor, Priya, and shit. Alma fucked up the worst… I can’t bring myself to burden you with this right now but at this point I just want to move forward.” A moment of heavy silence hovers, dampening the joyous chatter of your friends and teammates across the hideout, leaving you alone with the memories of your clan's demise and standing on the grave of your mentor. You can’t help but wonder if Teylan feels the same weight in whatever far off crevice he’s concealed himself in, 
“I just want the RDA gone, Teylan. I want you home…” 
It’s another few moments of silence. Followed by many more. It sounds like this conversation is over. You settle back down into the blankets and beanbags covering the cold metal floor. With a sigh, your resolve is set,
”Goodnight, Teylan. I miss you too.”
It doesn’t matter where he’s hidden himself away. You have decided you would take to the skies. No matter how many days, weeks, months it would take— You would bring your boy home. Whether he likes it or not,
”I love you, baby.”
And those four words were all he needed to hear.
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