#it’s about giving life meaning through suffering is my thesis and it’s useful cause boy fuckin howdy ain’t we sufferin in 2022

[emeraldcreeper]

I will accidentally and inadvertently use my fanfiction therapizing the miserable experience within a paper about literally providing therapy to the entirely miserable and hopeless

#it’s with existentialism #which is an old school of psychology before cognition and biological psychology took over #it’s about giving life meaning through suffering is my thesis and it’s useful cause boy fuckin howdy ain’t we sufferin in 2022 #had to read man’s search for meaning to do it and it’s about a concentration camp survivor who pioneers logotherapy which is a branch #of existentialism this is so circular but not it’s fun and cool #and I was writing and went wait #this is just me writing the sad old men being nice #despite and including their traumas from their lives #it’s all existentialism baby #there’s a ton of papers supporting it’s use in the clinical setting it’s literally just because meaning is hard to study in a clinical #setting so unlike cbt you can’t go yeah it’s clinically proven to work with this margin of error that we beat it works in these cases #that’s all well and good until you got treatment resistant cases #where it’s a crushing loneliness or a fear of death #where it’s a logical fear to have with no cognitive errors so the now widely used methods #don’t work #ergo we use existentialism #also it works for the terminally ill for obvious reasons #Srry to therapize I gotta shittily infodump before I scholarly infodump

[ralucasalmostgone]

I'll admit I taught her to control her anger by never displaying it in a violent fashion, through her wanting to copy me anyway...

But outside of the 0 violence she's capable of, she has an awful, foul temper, just past passive-aggressive, no self-control whatsoever still...

That's why I find it so difficult to explain to violent little boys how that's not your friend whatsoever, that's a violent ho! A very mean, violent ho that found money as an escape route from all her emotional issues and I agreed just so I would see how capable of getting as fat as possible she truly is! She's not just mean, she's not girly at all, she has non of the female traits that make one seem even close to maternal.

She used to play basketball like so: she used to scratch the hands of boys trying to get the ball from her during sports class, using her nails. And they would complain. But because the coach was female and she liked me a lot, then she couldn't be very angry with her (cause then she would think she's hurting my feelings instead).

I didn't give a shit though, but you know how people have assumptions about siblings etc.

She's very, very mean to everyone really, cause the habit of being mean to me first got ingrained in her. She's like a fat male bully as characters in families, as perceived by me accurately and there's nothing feminine left in her!

She wants to use others because she can, with her weird male ego thing she borrowed from her father the wrong way.

She's like my complete anti-thesis as someone who only owns a male mind.

--------------------------------------------------

That's not your friend, that one's worse than a complete enemy, okay? Total opposite and left out of control out there, to dig her own grave deeper!

The only time she smiles or when she's happy is when someone that's prettier than her is suffering or being mistreated etc. If that's not happening (like now) she's furious and boiling with anger inside that prettier people have it better than her in life. Nevermind that's not the case and really it's just God with all the control in the world!

She doesn't know that! All she knows is the other correlation and she'd like to strip it away from you or me or anyone like me!

[hamliet]

Unless a Grain of Wheat Falls and It Dies...

Or, why I am pretty optimistic about the fates of Jean, Connie, Gabi, and all titanized people this chapter, which is also an excuse for me to talk about SnK’s allusions to Russian literature. 

There are strikingly parallel ideas The Brothers Karamazov and Attack on Titan, as well as parallel plot points and imagery to the point where if it isn’t deliberate, it’s uncanny. (NB: before people yell at me about comparing a Japanese and Russian work, Isayama has used Russian names since the start of SnK--Shiganshina is a Russian name.) In particular, there are narrative allusions to a portion of the novel known as “The Grand Inquisitor,” which is a short story within a novel. The central thesis of “The Grand Inquisitor” is as follows: 

nothing has ever been more insupportable for a man and a human society than freedom. 

This parable is told within the story by Ivan Karamazov, a character whose intellectuality is his gift and his curse. He tells his brother Alyosha that the motivation for creating this parable is precisely the evils done to children (oh look, a major SnK theme) and specifically cites an example which was unfortunately taken from real life in Russia and which Isayama has an uncanny parallel:

I want to see with my own eyes the hind lie down with the lion and the victim rise up and embrace his murderer. I want to be there when every one suddenly understands what it has all been for. All the religions of the world are built on this longing, and I am a believer. But then there are the children, and what am I to do about them? That's a question I can't answer... If all must suffer to pay for the eternal harmony, what have children to do with it, tell me, please? ... if it is really true that they must share responsibility for all their fathers' crimes, such a truth is not of this world and is beyond my comprehension. Some jester will say, perhaps, that the child would have grown up and have sinned, but you see he didn't grow up, he was torn to pieces by the dogs, at eight years old...

... How are you going to atone for them? Is it possible? ... What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? ... I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price. ... too high a price is asked for harmony; it's beyond our means to pay so much to enter on it... It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return Him the ticket.”

The actual parable of “The Grand Inquisitor” is Ivan’s answer to Alyosha’s question about Ivan’s lines above. Ivan tells a story about how freedom is actually what dooms humanity: it is the curse. (Alyosha does not believe this.) Jesus comes back to earth and is promptly arrested, because his existence and return threaten the wellbeing of society. To be happy, one cannot be free, but one or two strong people in society should be free and bear the burden for everyone else (you can see the parallels to King Fritz/the Reisses). 

Nothing is more seductive for man than his freedom of conscience, but nothing is a greater cause of suffering... all his life he loved humanity, and suddenly his eyes were opened, and he saw that it is no great moral blessedness to attain perfection and freedom, if at the same time one gains the conviction that millions of God's creatures have been created as a mockery, that they will never be capable of using their freedom...

This is SnK’s thesis: to be free, there will be suffering. It is part of human nature, and yet to not have it is to be lost. But SnK, despite its explorations of human darkness and monstrosity, has a higher view of humanity than does Ivan. SnK’s view is more alongside Alyosha’s, who says what is honestly the truth about not just the Reisses, but Eren now:

"Who are these keepers of the mystery who have taken some curse upon themselves for the happiness of mankind? .... It's simple lust of power, of filthy earthly gain, of domination—something like a universal serfdom with them as masters—that's all they stand for.”

Mikasa is akin to the Christ figure in the story, akin to Alyosha: Christ is constantly asked to speak, asked to act, and he does not until the very last moment, when he kisses the Grand Inquisitor on the lips. After the story is over, Alyosha then does likewise to Ivan. 

Not to mention when Alyosha worries about Ivan’s mental state, he then answers with this:

“Listen, Alyosha,” Ivan began in a resolute voice, “if I am really able to care for the sticky little leaves I shall only love them, remembering you. It's enough for me that you are somewhere here, and I shan't lose my desire for life yet.”

A simple leaf can save a life. A leaf can save the world. A leaf, grown from a tree that started as a seed falling to the ground, dead, only to grow life from that death. Alyosha himself notes SnK’s central thesis of chapter 137 in the (very long) novel’s final pages:

...some good, sacred memory, preserved from childhood, is perhaps the best education. If a man carries many such memories with him into life, he is safe to the end of his days, and if one has only one good memory left in one's heart, even that may sometime be the means of saving us.

There’s a lot more to this, but this is the epigraph to The Brothers Karamazov, the central thesis of the entire novel:

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." -John 12:24

Suffering can grow great fruit in an individual life, and by giving something up, by even death, something beautiful can come. Through cruelty, you can find life. 

This is not just a long-running theme in SnK, but a pattern in its plot. Often those who surrender then receive exactly what they had surrendered (but admittedly, not always, like Erwin). 

Mikasa accepted Eren’s loss, and got him back.

Mikasa let Armin go, and got him back.

Falco gave up hope of survival, and got another chance: 

Hange was going to die alone, feeling guilty for having failed her comrades, but saw everyone again, and they told her well done: 

Historia gave up being free, but now we know she will be.

Levi gave up on his revenge, and then got it. Annie thought she would never see her dad again, but she did. For Mikasa, accepting that she has to kill the boy she loves coincides not just with her acceptance of her love, but with the acceptance and knowledge that he loves her:

It always comes with sacrifice, increasingly hard sacrifice, but usually the seeds that are dropped grow and bloom. 

This chapter, everyone surrendered their hearts. They let their dreams fall to the ground, and I honestly think the story will allow it to plant life. Yes, the world as a whole is saved and that is enough to make thematic sense, but it works even better if the very people who were titanized this chapter also bloom again. They chose to trust Mikasa, Levi, Falco, and Pieck to finish the task.

The characters giving up their lives only to get them back make sense, and give Mikasa’s sacrifice of Eren. For Mikasa, Eren was her world, and she gave it up when she had lost everyone else. She had nothing left, and she still did it. I would hope she’d be narratively rewarded beyond just the world being saved, because Mikasa has always been motivated by her personal relationships.

Moving on from Mikasa: Connie’s mom has been kept alive and the concept of turning mindless titans back to humans was already brought up specifically in relation to her:

Connie giving up on his mother a dozenish chapters ago only to get her back now--not through sacrificing a child, but through saving the entire world--would fit the themes and patterns of SnK.

Thirdly, Gabi should not die. She’s Eren with positive development, and cannot meet the same end. Even people who are skeptical of every titan being saved seem to agree that she’ll be fine. It’s possible she’s the only one saved, but imo, not likely. 

See, the only shifter characters who are going to have the option of self-sacrifice are Falco and maaaaaybe Armin. The others look like they’re about to die right here and now, never mind choosing someone to save: the mindless titans are ripping at their napes. Armin also looks to be in bad shape. 

Yet Armin cannot narratively commit suicide; two chapters ago he was still screaming at himself for being useless and thinking he would be better off dead. He’s already tried the heroic sacrifice, too, so why would it work this time around? It does not work for his arc. Falco dying for Gabi was the plan without any freedom from the titan curse; it’s more powerful if ending the curse changes things, rather than forcing him to make the same choice that Reiner has always been trying to make: a heroic suicide. It could happen; it’s just not as narratively strong.

As for whether the worldbuilding rules, we know that mindless titans are not truly dead nor entirely mindless; they just don’t have freedom. Ymir’s case of getting herself back after decades shows that they aren’t quite dead or absorbed. They still have consciousness that can be awoken; Ymir described it as being in a long “nightmare.” Dina still went looking for Grisha. Connie’s mom remembered and recognized Connie, telling him “welcome home.” There is plenty of evidence that there are parts of these people that are still in there even if they are forced to become monsters (oh hey, it’s an Eren parallel; he was conscious of it and had choices while mindless titans do not, but the parallel remains).

#snk 138 #snk meta #aot 138 #aot meta #mikasa ackerman #eremika #eren jaeger #armin arlert #the brothers karamazov #gabi braun #connie springer #jean kirchstein #ymir #falco grice #galco #reiner braun #annie leonhart #levi ackerman #historia reiss

[mittensmorgul]

As Above, So Below

I’m still trying to pinpoint exactly why the focus on “heaven is fixed and actually a paradise now!” is just so deeply unsatisfying to me. And I think I need to preface this with a bit of backstory about me, because I think that gives the rest of this essay some relevant context.

I know this isn’t relevant to my main point here, but this is a metatextual and thematically identical example of the exact thing I’m gonna lay out, because context is always helpful. So please forgive this seemingly irrelevant detour, because I promise it will be relevant by the end.

(plus, would it really be an Essay By Mittens™ without at least one baffling tangent? no, it would not!)

Tangent time!

I think everyone that follows me knows how skeptical I was... or should I say how WARY I was of the way Eileen was returned to the narrative this season. We were warned in the PREVIOUS EPISODE how much Chuck was attempting to interfere in their lives. I was accused of some very nasty things, of hating the ship, or hating the character of Eileen, or of hating Sam and not wanting them to be happy. No amount of pointing at obvious warning signs in the text, no amount of yelling about Sam’s God Wound or the absolute klaxon warning that the wound had become “quiet” and his Chuck-O-Vision Nightmares had apparently stopped seemed to matter. I was declared “wrong” and told to shut up.

And then 15.09 happened, and basically everything I’d been wary of was shown to be what actually happened, but there were still unresolved issues. Eileen doubted her own feelings and walked away. She doubted what was actually real. And at the time, I said many times that I would be thrilled to see those issues resolved by the end of the season, and for her to truly know that what she’d felt growing between her and Sam was real. And by the end of the season, despite my personal horror at her previous situation (and having that personal horror compounded by the fandom literally gaslighting me and attempting to bully me into ignoring this basic actual plot detail of this specific growth process which... in the context of what my personal objection was to accepting her return at face value in the first place having been personal trauma associated with gaslighting and manipulation...) by the time 15.18 aired, I was 100% convinced that Sam and Eileen had fully chosen each other, and felt the traumatic pain Sam suffered during that text conversation with her during the snap. She NEEDED to come back, because she had been set up to be part of Sam’s Win. They were clearly each other’s future.

The show literally put in all the work to make even *me* feel this to be True and Right and Good. And then after that point we never even hear Eileen’s name again. We never were told that she was even returned at the end of 15.19. Sam, who had been so entirely devastated by her disappearance in the previous episode that he couldn’t even process it was apparently hit with an amnesia hammer and just... never even thought about her again through a long greyscale life with a blurry baby Dean factory vaguely in the background of a single scene of his life. I can’t credit or justify how after an entire year invested in making us all truly care about Sam and Eileen and the happiness they found in each other if only the cosmos would allow them to choose each other in the end would just... erase all of that in the series finale.

Which brings me to the second tangent, which is specifically about *me,* and how I feel about the cosmic order in the television show Supernatural. Because I feel a lot about it. Probably more than most people ever did. And this is also important to understanding the main underlying point I need to make here.

Something I’ve been most looking forward to, for YEARS, about Supernatural eventually ending someday was writing a book, or a thesis, or even just organizing and compiling all my observations into a cohesive narrative specifically about the cosmology of the Supernatural universe. I’ve been cobbling together my observations and realizations about the nature of heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, the alternate universes we’ve seen, and yes, even the cosmic function of the mundane level of the story as told by events that transpired on Earth. So of everyone watching this dumb show for the last 15 years, I don’t actually know anyone who cared more that I did about finding a satisfactory resolution and transformation of every plane of existence-- the mortal world AND the “afterlife realms” we’ve experienced on this show. And in the wake of the finale, I feel cheated out of that. Because in the end, it wasn’t about the triumph of free will and a flip of the script, it was just more of the same.

And now that I have those two preliminaries out of the way, I’ll finally get to the point. :’D

(hooray, it didn’t even take 1k words to get there for once!)

The “main stage” of Supernatural has always been Earth. It’s always been “Humanity.” At the very start, we meet two men whose lives had always been dictated to them by higher powers. At first, that “higher power” was their father who raised them in his vengeance mission, who trained them to hunt the supernatural. It was the inciting incident of the entire series, after all, their realization that forces outside of their control had irrevocably altered the course of their lives. It had forever torn down what they’d trusted in family, in personal safety, and would become something they couldn’t outrun or fight back against for long before another wave of cosmic discord would settle over them once more.

We watched this story play out in ever increasing spheres of cosmic significance, until Gabriel laid it out on the table for them in the simplest possible terms (in 5.08).

GABRIEL: You do not know my family. What you guys call the apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner. That's why there's no stopping this, because this isn't about a war. It's about two brothers that loved each other and betrayed each other. You'd think you'd be able to relate. SAM: What are you talking about? GABRIEL: You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other. DEAN: What the hell are you saying? GABRIEL: Why do you think I've always taken such an interest in you? Because from the moment Dad flipped on the lights around here, we knew it was all gonna end with you. Always. A long pause. SAM and DEAN look down, then at each other. DEAN: No. That's not gonna happen. GABRIEL: I'm sorry. But it is. GABRIEL sighs. GABRIEL: Guys. I wish this were a TV show. Easy answers, endings wrapped up in a bow...but this is real, and it's gonna end bloody for all of us. That's just how it's gotta be. ***

And isn’t that all even 1000x more painfully ironic that it all still happened even 10 years later? It was always going to end with them. And lol, “I wish this were a TV show” because if it was then it wouldn’t have to end bloody.

But this… was a Major Acknowledgement that the meta level of this story was consistent, and was telling us something important. It demonstrated that the Cosmic Structure Itself was the cause for Sam and Dean’s “destiny” in this story. But that’s not what the point of this story has ever been.

Nobody (including me, who is literally obsessed with this aspect of the story) has ever invested themselves in the narrative of Supernatural because they cared about the fate of the cosmic order over and above the fate of the characters who had committed to overthrowing it all, to “tearing up the pages” and writing their own destinies. I mean, we became invested because Sam, Dean, and Cas as characters took us by the hand and invited us to come along with them as they battled against fate for the good of EARTH and HUMANITY.

And certainly, Heaven being a horrific sort of eternal replay of the “highlights” of individual souls greatest hits, where free will didn’t apply as everyone was just boxed away into their individual holodecks to serve as some sort of giant Heaven Battery powering the furtherance of this narrative, this “cosmic order” that had become so powerful it dictated the events and manipulated the lives of people who still existed in the ostensible realm of free will and human life on Earth… that couldn’t stand in the end. But what the narrative (and people I’ve seen attempting to justify the finale as narratively sensible) seems to have forgotten was that all of that was Chuck’s construct to begin with. That without Chuck holding his kingdom in Heaven together, the walls of all those soul cubicles ceased to even be relevant.

After spending their entire lives to this point constantly fighting their way to the absolute pinnacle of the As Above, So Below narrative and pulling the plug on the original creator himself, Humanity should’ve triumphed. And I’d argue that it DID, through Jack restoring the missing essential “humanity” to the divine condition. And, silly me, I thought they’d achieved the promise of “paradise” heralded by Jack’s birth at last, and truly “flipped the entire script of the narrative.”

Ever since they thwarted the original apocalypse, I had hope that they would continue to achieve the same result right up the ladder. Metatron trying to fill the role of Chuck Junior hit his own narrative wall in TFW, while Dean’s battle with the Mark of Cain, and Cain telling him he was “living my life in reverse” and would succumb to destiny by killing his loved ones in the “reverse order” to Cain’s own path to downfall cemented this for me. Dean not only failed to kill any of his loved ones (you didn’t kill your own brother. why?), he SAVED them. He didn’t fulfil the prophecy in reverse, he subverted it. He UNMADE it.

Perhaps I was thinking on too grand a scale, that the ultimate inversion wouldn’t be “God is overthrown and replaced by more of the same,” but “God is overthrown and the entire order of the universe is restructured from the bottom up rather than the top down.

I’d hoped against hope that the conclusion of the narrative would be “As below, so above,” with the fundamental power of human love becoming the new foundation of the cosmic order. It never even occurred to me that “taking back the narrative to rewrite it for ourselves” was not the ultimate goal of Team Free Will, or the ultimate expression of their biggest win.

This whole “well heaven really needed to be rebuilt, there was still work to be done!” seems… irrelevant to me if they’d truly won free of the cosmic narrative. The entire structure of the universe-- including Heaven and Hell-- should’ve defaulted to the paradise state that Jack was literally born to bring to fruition. Wasn’t that the point of his entire role in the story, ultimately?

And if that wasn’t the case in the end, why did we never learn the fate of Hell? Was it just… irrelevant and unchanged after this? Or just… abandoned as a concept entirely? It’s just strange to me to put such a focus on heaven being the sole sphere of import in the end that it undercuts the essential humanity of the narrative for me.

The story itself had kept Heaven on a back burner for years, only occasionally mentioning that the structure of the place was falling further and further into disrepair with a dwindling force of angels struggling to keep the walls in place at all, that it seems like it could’ve been an afterthought at the end of the series rather than a focus so large it required the death of both main characters to make sure we all understood that Heaven Had Changed Now. Because TFW had never been fighting to make Heaven right. They’d been fighting to save the world itself, for humanity to all have a chance to live their lives as their own.

And we didn’t need to see that in the final hope they might get their own lives on Earth to explore. In the end, the fundamental narrative that Life On Earth was dictated by the cosmic structure of creation was never fully subverted. And for me, that’s the main reason I just… can’t accept the finale. It wasn’t a victory of free will and humanity, in the end it was just more of the same.

I appreciate the attempts to take the essential bones of the story we did get and apply a different polish to the surface of the skeleton, but to me it still feels like we’re looking at completely different beasts in the end. Like… to me this was as jarring a revelation as those drawing of modern animals reimagined as dinosaurs entirely based on their skeletons. Like, all along the narrative told me I was looking at a swan. They told me this skeleton they’re building out from is definitely a swan, without a doubt.  I know what a swan looks like-- a graceful feather-covered bird with magnificent wings. I trusted that in the end it would be at least remotely swan-looking. And then the finale ended up looking like this

and I just don’t even know where everything went so wrong. Or maybe all along I just assumed they actually knew what a swan looked like, but weren’t sure they could actually pull it off and settled for whatever the heck this is instead. Either way, I’m actually kinda grateful to the finale for being so entirely disappointing on every level, because otherwise I probably would’ve tried to adopt the monstrosity of it anyway. And I’m really, really glad I don’t have to.

#spn 15.20 #spn cosmology #heaven hell purgatory and the empty #and this is why no amount of narrative defense of the finale is capable of making me feel any better about it #i admit i thought too big... but it was all right there in the narrative to see #oh well at least all i have to do to hold on to my grandest notion of the universe is throw out the finale :'D

[daughterofluthien]

“decisions were respected” Sorry but didn’t Scott violently throw Isaac against a wall more than once just because Isaac liked his ex girlfriend in canon? That’s the literal opposite of healthy...

Hey, anon!

This is in reference to this post about Scallison for the shipping meme, where I said that one of my favorite things about Scallison is that the show lets them have a healthy breakup, and even date other people while still remaining friends. The scenes you are referring to are a pair of scenes in 3x13 Anchors.

So lets’s take a look.

(under a cut bc it turns out that when you try to be comprehensive, things get v long v quickly 😅)

The Scenes

I’m actually gonna copy/paste the dialogue of both scenes (along with minimal action/inflection notation for context) so that we can really make sure we know what we’re talking about here, so bear with me:

The first of these scenes occurs as Scott and Isaac are getting ready to head to school in the morning. After some initial ‘hey, what’re you doing, are you heading to school’ dialogue—during which both boys seem a bit awkward—we get the following:

ISAAC: [anxiously] Can I ask you a question? SCOTT: Okay... ISAAC: Are you angry with me? SCOTT: No! ISAAC: Are you sure? SCOTT: ...No. ISAAC: [awkwardly] What's that mean? SCOTT: I guess I'm not really sure how I'm feeling... ISAAC: [nodding] Okay. ...Do you hate me? SCOTT: [sighing] No, of course not. ISAAC: Do you want to hit me? SCOTT: [taken aback] No. ISAAC: I think you should hit me. SCOTT: I don't want to hit you. ISAAC: Are you sure? SCOTT: Why would I want to hit you? You didn't do anything, did you? ISAAC: [stammering] No. I mean, um... What do you mean? SCOTT: I mean, like, you didn't kiss her or anything, right? ISAAC: No! Absolutely not. No. SCOTT: ...Did you want to? ISAAC: Oh, yeah. Totally. [scene cuts to hallway outside the room. Isaac flies through the doorway and hits the wall] MELISSA: Hey! You two teenage boys? Don't test my entirely un-supernatural level of patience! ISAAC: ...Feel better?

The scene then ends, and we cut to subsequent scenes of Stiles and then Allison also getting ready for school.

The second scene is much shorter and happens later in the episode, after Isaac saves Lydia from an arrow that Allison fired while hallucinating. He and Scott are in Scott’s room again, and he’s telling him about the incident:

SCOTT: Right at her head? ISAAC: Almost right through it. And she keeps saying the same thing-- that she keeps seeing her aunt. Whatever's happening to you guys is getting worse. If I hadn't been there, then Lydia would be dead. SCOTT: ...What were you doing there? ISAAC: Uh... [scene cuts to hallway outside the room. Isaac flies through the doorway and hits the wall] MELISSA: [groaning] Oh, you guys, come on! This house does not have a supernatural ability to heal! So, stop it!

But of course just the text of the scene isn’t enough to accurately convey everything in even a tiny portion of a larger narrative, because nothing happens in a vacuum. With that in mind, let’s look at...

The Context 

The first of these scenes occurs immediately after the opening credits, and is the first time we see either Scott or Isaac this season. (Assuming you consider 3B a separate season, of course, which is a whole ‘nother can of worms. This tv show we all choose to enjoy sure is Something.)

Often, the opening of a season is used to reintroduce the audience to the main characters—letting us know where their characters arcs are starting, and what they’ll be struggling with this season. Teen Wolf did this previously (and did it well, imo) in 3x01 Tattoo. Act 2 of that episode begins with a series of four scenes showing our main characters getting ready for school in the morning, highlighting where everyone currently is, and setting up where their arcs are going to go.

Scene order taken by itself would seem to indicate that they were trying to do something similar in this episode. It starts off with the hook of Stiles’ extended nightmare sequence. He can’t tell dreams apart from reality anymore, and wakes up screaming. Cut to black, cue opening credit sequence.

Immediately after the first ad break, we get a sequence of three scenes. The first is the longer of the two Scott and Isaac scenes (which, as previously mentioned, occurs as they’re getting ready to head out to school). The second is of Stiles. He’s packing for school, and the audience learns that he’s been struggling to read when he’s awake as well. Finally, we see Allison leaving her and her dad’s apartment. She seems like she’s doing fine, if a little over-focused. But then she gets into the elevator, and has an extended hallucination/flashback of Kate.

We learn soon after this that all three of them (Scott, Stiles, and Allison) are suffering from the aftereffects of their sacrifice in the previous season. According to the explanations we get both from Kira and, later, from Deaton, they’re slipping into bardo, or the space between life and death, and there’s a door open in their minds. 

Okay, problem established.

It stands to reason, then, that all three of those opening scenes are supposed to serve to set up this problem. We’re shown, in three successive scenes, that all three of our sacrificees are, as the kids say, Not Doing So Hot.

(yes I know the kids don’t say that, let me be an increasingly out-of-touch millennial in peace)

This is all well and good, and honestly makes sense! Under this paradigm, the Scott and Isaac scene should be highlighting that Scott is Losing Control. Bardo is affecting him, and it’s causing him to be more aggressive. Giving in to violence in a way that he generally holds himself back from. Heck, the scene even starts with Scott flexing his fingers, and we (and Scott) see the shadow of a clawed hand against the door.

In the context of the narrative, it makes sense.

Except.

eXCEPT—

The Framing

The thing about the medium of television is that, when we’re talking about a scene, we can’t just look at the narrative structure. We also have to look at the scene itself: how it’s shot and directed, how it’s edited, even what music is paired with the scenes.

In the Stiles and Allison sequences, the scenes are very clearly shot for tension and horror. Long lingering shots on the things that Just Aren’t Right. Music that heightens the tension. Stiles gets some nice lil scare chords over the shot of the book that he can’t read, and there’s a very quiet droning in the background of the Allison nightmare sequence that slowly grows into some classic horror soundtrack music.

Okay. So far that tracks with the narrative thesis.

Now let’s take look at the Scott and Isaac scene.

We start out with some of those lingering shots I was talking about, as Scott is halted in his tracks when he notices the shadow of the clawed hand. We see his own hand is human and unshifted. There’s quiet, percussion heavy music over this portion of the scene that increases in tension at this point. Shaken, Scott closes his hand into a fist, and when he opens it, both the shadow and his own hand are smooth and human. The tense music fades out to silence, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

Scott opens the door to reveal Isaac, which startles him. There’s a short musical sting to underline this moment, and then the background music cuts out completely, leaving us (and them) in the awkwardness of this moment. 

And OH BOY. IS IT AWKWARD. 😬

You can kinda see the Awkwardness Inherent in the System in the dialogue that I pasted up at the top—it’s a lot of back-and-forth, short statements, trailing off... And both Posey and Sharman are playing up the awkwardness as well. Neither boy looks like they really want to be there, and that includes Isaac, who initiated this entire conversation.

But here’s the thing.

The thing that really frustrates me about this scene.

It’s not the sort of awkwardness that exists to increase the tension. The sort that builds and builds until it reaches a fever pitch and you know something just has to give. You know, the sort of tension that you would want to build if you were showing how the protagonist of your show is no longer fully in control, and is on a knife’s edge of lashing out at his friend and beta.

Instead, it’s played for comedy.

And once again, a lot of this is down to the music.

Before the dialogue that I quoted at the top even begins, the music starts back up, and this time the tense percussion has been replaced by light, pizzicato strings. (That may not be the exact right term, fyi, I only really know enough about music theory to be dangerous.) But you know, the playful, plucked strings that often accompanies comedic or otherwise not-serious scenes.

Background music tells the viewer how they’re supposed to feel about the events in a particular scene, and the music here is saying that we’re not supposed to find this whole confrontation that dramatic. In fact, we’re supposed to find it funny.

But it’s not just the music that that frames this scene as comedic. It’s also the fact that we don’t actually see Scott shoving Isaac. Instead, the scene cuts to the hallway, and all we see is Isaac flying through the doorway.

Now, obviously I don’t have a direct line to the director and editors’ minds here. But I would bet money that those particular shots were chosen 1). because it’s so much easier to do a wire pull stunt when you don’t have to show what it’s in reaction to, and 2). because it’s kinda difficult to show your main character directly doing a violence and make it funny.

But show someone yeeted into frame, and that’s funny. Right?

(Spoiler alert: not in this context, it isn’t)

Now, I know I’ve been focusing on the first scene a lot—partially because it’s longer and partially because it’s really the only reason that the second scene exists—but I do want to take a look at the second scene really quickly as well. It’s much shorter and generally adopts a more serious tone than the first one, mostly due to fact that we’re smack dab in the middle of the action at this point. The weird visions that the sacrificees have been having all episode have started endangering lives, and they can’t just wait for it to resolve on its own.

But then the focused, intent exposition is broken by Scott’s question of “why were you there.” Then smash cut to a near identical shot of the hallway,and Isaac yeeting into frame.

The thing is, this scene is entirely dependent on the previous one. It only “works”—and I use this term loosely—as a call back to the scene at the beginning of the ep. Heck, both even have the stinger of a frustrated Melissa at the end of both scenes, frustrated at all the boys-will-be-boys roughhousing going on in her house.

Much like the first scene, this one is also set up and framed for Comedy.

Which is um. A Choice. 

But What Does It All Mean

What frustrates me about these scenes, at the end of the day, is that the narrative intention and the directing/editing seem to be fundamentally at odds.

On the one hand, it makes narrative sense to say that the purpose of the scenes is to show that Scott is losing control. That he’s being affected by bardo and the open door in his mind, and it’s putting the people close to him in danger. But then on the other, the way the scenes are actually used are as comic relief. As a way to release tension between very tense, dramatic scenes. 

I don’t think it works, as I don’t personally find it funny at all. But that really does seem to be the intention.

Once again, absolutely wILD choices were made on the part of tptb, and I really wish anyone had thought for two seconds about the implications of all of this, but nO

Ahem.

So now (literally 2K words later I’m so sorry 😅) what does this tell us about the characters? Certainly no one here is arguing that shoving someone is a good or defensible choice, whether it’s due to forces outside the character’s control or not. But even taking the influence of bardo in mind, is it even in character for Scott in the first place?

Because canon can also be written inconsistently/out of character, especially when we’re talking about a long-running show like tw.

One’s an Incident, Two is Coincidence...

Well, we all know the end of that saying.

So let’s end by looking at a few patterns.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this, once again, eXCEEDINGLY long post, this is reference to a post I made about scallison. I said the following in that post:

And I also really like that they [Scott and Allison] didn’t get back together. That they were allowed to be friends. That even though sometimes it hurt to watch someone you love loved love become romantically close to another person, decisions were respected, and no friendships were broken over it.

The first pattern we need to look at, then, is this:

What’s Scott’s pattern of behavior toward Allison and Isaac’s relationship?

And does Scott’s behavior toward Isaac in these two scenes match the pattern, or is it an outlier?

3x11 Alpha Pact: Sacrifice Prep The revelation that Allison and Isaac have grown close enough for him to act as emotional tether for her is very visibly a blow to Scott. He looks like the rug has been pulled out from under him, but he doesn’t look angry or upset, just.... sad. In fact, it looks like he’s swallowing back tears. But he nods towards the two of them and just says, “It’s okay.”

3x12 Lunar Ellipse: “I look for my friends” This is the epilogue of the season. Scott walks into the hallway at all of his friends in turn. Satisfied. Happy. First at Lydia and Aiden, then at Danny and Ethan. Then he turns and watches as Isaac and Allison walk down the stairs, and they’re laughing, and so obviously happy, and Scott’s small smile grows. He isn’t jealous here—he’s happy for them. 

3x14 Illuminated: Mutual Recognition Scott and Allison are both at Danny’s halloween party, but they’re not here together. He sees her from across a crowded room, just like he did at the winter formal, so many months ago. But so much has happened, and they’re different people now. Allison’s with Isaac, and he’s starting to having feelings for Kira, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and that he doesn’t miss the relationship he and Allison had. For a moment, his fingers slip away from Kira’s, and he and Allison share a sad smile. 

Believe it or not, these are actually the only other examples I could find of Scott reacting to Isaac and Allison’s relationship. And uniformly across them, he’s sad, yes—after all, he loved her, and that relationship is very definitively over now. But he never seems jealous, and he isn’t angry.

So, if the Scott and Isaac scenes in Anchors don’t fit the pattern of Scott’s behavior towards the new couple, what pattern do they fit?

“Hit me.”

The teen wolf writers have a... really upsetting habit, honestly, of “resolving” interpersonal conflict between two characters by having the “wronged” party hit the other. Afterwards, the tension is almost completely broken between them, as if letting the person act aggressively in a way consensual to both parties has somehow solved the problem.

2x11 Battlefield: Derek and Peter After Peter comes back from the dead, he confronts the now pack-less Derek and offers to help him. Derek, likely remembering that Peter killed Laura and was responsible for most of the events of S1, attacks him instead. After taking a beating, Peter says the following:

PETER: Okay, go ahead! Come on, do it! Hit me. Hit me. I can see that it's cathartic for you! You're letting go of all the anger, self-loathing, and hatred that comes with total and complete failure. I may be the one taking the beating, Derek, but you've already been beaten. So, go ahead. Hit me if that will make you feel better. After all, I did say that I wanted to help.

3x13 Anchors: Scott and Isaac We’ve already discussed this scene in uh. Detail. So I don’t think we need to go into the specifics again. But just a reminder that this dialogue exists:

ISAAC: Do you want to hit me? SCOTT: No. ISAAC: I think you should hit me.

5x15 Amplification: Scott and Liam During the previous supermoon, Liam—swayed by grief, the full moon, and Theo’s manipulations—tried to kill Scott and take his power. They’ve since rediscovered an equilibrium in their relationship, and Liam’s back in Scott’s pack, but they’re both still dealing with the implications of that event. In this episode, they’re attempting to break Lydia out of Eichen, but they’re not as strong as they should be, due to the mountain ash laced through the building, and are having difficulty breaking down a door. Then, the following exchange occurs:

LIAM: Hit me. SCOTT: What? LIAM: Hit me! I'll get angry, then I'll get stronger. STILES: Hit him. Hit him! LIAM: I tried to take your powers. I tried to kill you. Hit me! STILES: He also left you for dead. LIAM: I wanted you dead!

6x16 Triggers: Liam and Theo No one actually directly says “hit me” in  this one, due to the circumstances, but the sentiment’s there. In this sequence, Liam and Theo are trying to convince Gerard and the hunters that the whole pack is hiding out in the zoo, so Theo goads Liam into hitting him, in order to stage a very audible fight.

THEO: Okay... Then they have to believe us.[shouts] Isn't that right? LIAM: [whispers] Why are you yelling? THEO: [shouts] You got a problem? Oh, that's right, you always have a problem! LIAM: [whispers] What the hell are you doing? THEO: [shouts] Shut up! [punches Liam] Yeah, you see that, Scott? Your little Beta can't even take a punch. And what do you think, Malia?

While there’s a variety of primary textual reasons here, all of them deal with personal issues between the pair, and all of them involve some level of catharsis for the person doing the punching. Taken all together, it’s honestly a pretty troubling pattern, especially given the inclusion of an actual canonical abuse victim initiating and receiving the violence.

TL;DR

This is a writer issue, not a character issue. The serious narrative context conflicts with the comedic framing in a way that is honestly baffling to me, and it doesn’t fit the established pattern of Scott’s character and actions. Moreover, it’s an example of the writers’ apparent belief that interpersonal conflict can and should be solved through consensual violence.

The pattern we do see, is that the Scott is saddened by the knowledge that Allison has moved on, but he’s glad that she and Isaac are happy. Similarly, Allison is saddened that Scott is moving on as well, because she does still care for him deeply. Despite their conflicted feelings, neither tries to disrupt the other’s new relationship.

On other shows, that would be a season-long, drama-filled plotline. Here, nothing.

And I legitimately love that so much.

#asks #anonymous #scott mccall #teen wolf #als;dkjlfkjf i'm so sorry that this turned out so long y'all #but it turns out that I have Thoughts #my meta

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Top 10 Favourite Movies I Have Seen (So Far)

How to Make an American Quilt (1994)

I’m not sure exactly why, but I have always had a thing for intergenerational movies that go back and forth in time, which I think that this movie does superbly. You get to know each of the character’s backstories, and it is also a coming-of-age film where the main protagonist must choose a path and be happy with the one she goes down. This was a film I would watch again and again as a teenager when I was sad (movie marathons were always the cure for my blues back then). More recently, there are other reasons why this movie appeals to me; I can relate to Finn’s thesis-writing (I know it’s frustrating and easy to distract yourself from), and I can also relate with her dilemma in choosing what kind of future she will have. Also, Winona Ryder can do no wrong. Winona forever.

The Joy Luck Club (1993)

Another intergenerational film, I think it does a great job of juxtaposing the difference between parents who immigrate to another country and their children who do not really understand the sacrifices they have made to actually get there, which can cause rifts and divides. It does this specifically with the Chinese culture in mind, which is fascinating in its own right, and quite different to the US, which is where they immigrate to. The daughters who try to understand their mothers are able to bridge the divide when they are able to empathise with where their parents are coming from, by the parents telling them tales of their origins. My favourite character is hands-down Ying-Ying St. Clair, whose backstory is definitely the most tragic. In China, Ying-Ying was happily married to Lin-Xiao (Russell Wong) with a baby boy in China until Lin-Xiao abuses her and abandons her for an opera singer. Overwhelmed by her depression, Ying-Ying begins to dissociate and accidentally drowns their baby son in the bathtub during one of these episodes, which haunts her ever afterwards. Years later, she has emigrated to America and suffers from trauma of her past, worrying her new family, including her daughter Lena. When she is able to get Lena find her voice and to leave her own abusive husband, Harold. I have nothing but love for this film, which breathes life into Amy Tan’s equally beautiful novel. This film adaptation does the novel proud; It’s well-acted, well-told, and simply just heart-warming.

Sinister (2008)

I love myself a good horror movie, and Sinister flips the script by starting out as a crime mystery before going bananas and introducing Mr. Boogie (or Bughuul), a pagan demon who manipulates the lives of children, having them kill their families, until he can consume the child's soul. Ethan Hawke, who both directs and stars in this film, does a phenomenal acting job as washed-up crime author Ellison Oswalt, who moves his family into one of the homes which was the scene of one of the ‘crimes’, where a whole family has been massacred and one child is missing. It isn’t long until he finds a bunch of 8mm tapes in the attic, which represent the equivalent of snuff films, detailing previous family massacres occurring elsewhere. Seriously, some of these 8mm tapes are both difficult but strangely thrilling to watch, due to their haunting quality. It takes him a while before he becomes aware of Bughuul, who he discovers hiding in the corner of one of the tapes, and who he is able to get to know about with the help of a rookie cop and a professor. The ending is also a delicious twist, and indicates the inevitability of not being able to escape evil. Seriously, it’s a must-watch, as it breathes rare new life into the tired horror genre.

Insidious, Chapter One (2010)

Another worthy 21st century horror addition, the Insidious franchise (especially the first film) delivers some great twists, and creates a rich universe way beyond any ordinary haunted house or child-plagued-by-demon trope, by introducing some genuinely scary characters (The Lipstick Demon, Doll Girl, and the Bride in Black, anyone?!), and also introducing The Further, a dark and timeless astral world filled with tortured dead souls and nightmarish spirits. I love the twist that the end of this movie delivers, and also the appropriate jump-scares throughout. It is yet another horror movie that breathes life into a somewhat tired genre. 10/10, I highly recommend this movie, even if The Lipstick Demon looks kinda like Darth Maul, lol.

Reality Bites (1994)

Although it’s kind of aged badly, due to advancing technology, this movie was one of the first to introduce the idea of reality television, whilst also capturing the zeitgeist of Generation X, with it’s rather nihilist message about life after college, and the trials and tribulations of growing up. Some of the characters (especially Lelaina and Troy) are self-indulgent, immature, intellectually snobby and navel-gazing, but you root for Lelaina to succeed because she is played with enough sympathy by the amazing and incomparable Winona Ryder that we believe she deserves better. This is one of the reasons I hate that she ends up with Troy, even if he is the broody bad boy we are all expected to swoon over. Seriously, he treats Lelaina so badly that I just want to punch him in the face. It also has some great side characters, like Vicky, who works at The Gap, but is scared to find a real job, and Sammy, who is gay and afraid that he may have HIV. It is also relatable for me as a Millenial who graduated from university when the Global Financial Crisis (GFC) hit, making it complicated to find a good job, mirroring the recession that these characters graduated into. I love that it talks about pivotal Generation X issues, as well as universal issues that encompass growing up and moving into adulthood. Also, again, Winona forever.

Candyman (1992)

Candyman is a horror film that subverts horror movie expectations whilst still managing to deliver some great scares. Being set in the long-gone notorious Chicago housing projects Cabrini Green, a name synonymous with vice, violence and murder, and a place which instils non-supernatural horror in an individual all on its own, tells the story of thesis student Helen, who is researching urban legends, and through her participants, she learns the story of Candyman, a vengeful rendition of the classic Bloody Mary, who will split you from groin to gullet with his hook for a hand if you say his name five times in the mirror. 

The people who recount this legend go on to recount a notorious murder that has taken place recently in Cabrini Green which has been attributed to Candyman, and Helen chooses to investigate the claim. Helen rationalises that the residents of Cabrini Green use the legend of Candy Man to cope with their stressful daily lives. Before visiting Cabrini Green, Helen and her research associate decide to test the theory by saying ‘Candy Man’ five times in a mirror, but nothing happens, at least not yet. In real life, the murder rate in Cabrini Green peaked in 1992, the same year that Candy Man was made. Candy Man himself (played with great aplomb by the legendary Tony Todd) doesn’t show up until around 44 minutes into the movie, but when he does, he steals the show with his dangerous charisma. 

In total, Candy Man subverts 3 horror rules: Number one, that you need to have a high body count to keep audiences engaged. By doing so, it stretches out the tension for as long as it can. Number two, there is a Black antagonist. There were some issues addressed by Black critics that this depiction played into some racist stereotypes, such as the idea that Black people need a White saviour, that Black people are especially superstitious, and that Black men prefer to pursue White women. But one could say that Candy Man is more a depiction of the White fears associated with Black poverty, and specifically, White Liberal fears that Black poverty can’t be helped, despite their best efforts. Helen doesn’t mean any harm (some may even call her an ally), yet she dies anyway. 

By making the antagonist Black, the film becomes about so much more than just visceral horror, it is about societal, racial and historical horror as well, albeit told from a White perspective. It also plays into the fear that Black people, through no fault of their own, could be killed for no reason at all but panicky neighbours. Finally, number three, this film is more sad than scary; sadness tends to be the most common negative emotion that I experience, so I am drawn to movies that have something to say about it. The only reason Candy Man gives for wanting to kill Helen is that she demystified him, which seems pretty petty and vindictive. She is also supposed to resemble his long-lost love that got him killed in the first place. When Candy Man kills the psychiatrist in the movie, it is literally the only on-screen proof we have that Candy Man isn’t just a figment of Helen’s imagination. Candy Man, like my most favourite horror film, The Shining, begs the question: Are there really supernatural elements at play here, or is the main character simply going insane? Phew, this was more than I planned to write, but I guess this film is complex enough to warrant it. See it for yourself.

Final Destination (2000)

As time wore on, the Final Destination franchise became more well-known for its gruesome deaths (and tired plot) than anything else, but the first addition was a fresh take on the inescapability of death, and the vengance Death Itself may take if you screw with his Design. The first 15 minutes of the film are truly thrilling through the main character Alex’s premonition, and the wait after the gang have been kicked off the airline for the plane to blow up without them on board. Seriously, that scene gave me aerophobia more than any Air Crash Investigation episode. What follows are some truly twisted, macabre domino-like deaths that prove that Death has a wicked, dark sense of humour. That every character in this franchise dies eventually is kind of disappointing, and definitely places Death in this franchise as possibly the most diabolical villain in all of the horror genre (move over, Jason and Michael and Freddy). The mysterious undertaker played with delightful maliciousness again by Tony Todd adds to the mystery of understanding Death’s Design. and the reality that no matter what the survivors do, Death will eventually come for them, really adds to the overall hopelessness and nihilism of the whole situation. The way that the last film of the Final Destination franchise, which is really a prequel to the first film, rounded out the franchise really well, and provided a twist as good as the original film was epic. If you are going to watch any of the films in this franchise, I cannot recommend the first and last film enough.

Now and Then (1996)

I love this film more for the cheesy, feel-good memories of my childhood it gives me. Christina Ricci is also one of my all-time favourite actresses (I absolutely loved her as Wednesday Addams), which just bolsters this movie in my eyes. Thora Birch does a good job as well. But seriously, I can pop this movie on any time and it’ll just make me instantly happy for a simpler era. Even if I wasn’t born in the 60′s or 70′s, there is a lot to relate to about bridging the gaps between childhood and the inevitable teen cross-over. I mean, who didn’t have seances in graveyards with their friends as a 12-year-old girl? No-one?! Just me then. OK. Ahem. I think my favourite character was hands-down Gabby Hoffman’s Sam, who is trying to cope with her parent’s divorce in a town and time when divorce is unheard of. I like that her grown-up character played by Demi Moore is a successful writer, and is also the narrator of the entire movie. If you want to watch a truly feel-good movie that promotes feminist ideals, this movie is for you.

IT: Chapter One (2017)

Since I watched the 1990 TV miniseries in 1992 at the tender age of 7 (my parents never monitored what I watched - which sometimes led to some gnarly nightmares), I have been waiting for a worthy remake. I, like most of the aficionados that watched the miniseries, loved Tim Curry’s rendition of the demonic entity of IT, but weren’t quite happy about the spider ending. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. You may be asking why I haven’t included Chapter Two that came out this year (2019), and the reason is, despite Bill Hader’s wonderful performance as the grown-up Ritchie, a cameo by Stephen King himself, and more screen-time for Bill Skarsgaard’s scary clown, the ending here was also disappointing. IT’s true form just doesn’t seem to translate well onto screen. It was adequate. Meh. Anywho.

IT Chapter One, however, is awesome. Instead of jumping back-and-forth in time like both the mini-series and the book did, it focuses on the well-acted ‘Loser’s Club’ as kids, and is truly scary like this story should be. The bully Henry Bowers is truly sociopathic, and Bill Skarsgaard as IT truly nails the fact that IT is so much more than just a killer clown. The death scene with Georgie at the beginning of the film is quite subversive and daring, as it actually shows you the death of a child in all its gory detail. My verdict? Watch the first with gusto, but do not expect anything great from Part Two. Part Two has to exist for continuity, but the first film outshines the second installment in every way possible.

Lady Bird (2017)

For an Indie sleeper film, this story is fantastic as both a coming-of-age film and a depiction of separating from your parents and becoming your own person. Ladybird’s mum is overprotective, and Ladybird needs to break free, whilst also trying not to cause a permanent rift. She’s a different kind of gal, sensitive, intelligent, artistic, and so not meant for a dead-end small town. Her transition toward independence is extremely relatable to me, as I grew up with an over-bearing, interfering mother myself. Also, it’s set in 2002, the year I graduated, with adds to my feelings of nostalgia. It’s the relatablity of Ladybird that makes it so re-watchable to me. I grew up in a dead-end town, was creative and different to my peers, and went to a fancy private school that I didn’t fit into as well. So Ladybird is a cinematic delight as you see her progress to something more hopeful in the future. A must-watch.

#must see movies #best movies #my favorite movies #movie buff #cinematic masterpieces #cinema critic #horror movies #drama movies #epic movies #saga movies #must watch #i love movies #i love film #cinema #films to see before you die #bucket list movies #top ten #must watch film #drama #horror #feel good movies #watch anytime #watch on netflix #different movies #not your average movie #think different #critiques #movies i love #movies i like #watch movies

[coloringmysensescherryred]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? I went to Japan, graduated college, started teaching English in South Korea, and dated a Korean guy - a year full of traveling and adventures! 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I had two resolutions - eat better so I didn’t feel like I was gonna shit myself so often, and to stop looking for love and let it find me. TBH I followed them both - shoutout to Korea for helping me with them! Korea’s food is just much better on my internal pipes in terms of health, and the boyfriend thing kinda just happened. I’m more proud of myself for ending it when I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t forcing any sort of relationship, it happened organically; so I’m pleased that I stuck to my guns.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope! Most of my friends aren’t even married yet! (Not that you can’t have a baby without being married but ya know.)

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.  

5. What countries did you visit? Japan and Korea! 

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? I would like to have more confidence to straight-up tell people when they are doing things that make me mad or irritate me or that I don’t like. That is my new years resolution this year. 

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 23rd - the day I got my email saying I got into Fulbright! and June 7th - the day I left for Korea for a full year. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fucking picking up my entire life and moving to Korea on my own. Like I have so many friends here in my program, but I was basically coming alone because I knew that I would be separate from them when we went to our placements after six weeks. 

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know, I felt like I succeeded in all the ways that mattered? I guess my biggest “failure” was confessing my feelings to my crush and him having to let me down because he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn’t ready (altho I think he did like me tbh). So all things considered, that is a pretty good track record for an important year. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope! 

11. What was the best thing you bought? Netflix?? I had had it for like six months before Korea buutttt it has been a fucking lifesaver for me abroad. It’s a way to hear English from native mouths when I live in a homestay and don’t get to speak English with native speakers that often. It’s also great to do on traveling (like on trains and buses). Bless up to a great monthly investment. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? BURG, aka @officialff7remake. Homeboy was there for me when I was freaking out about MP or thesis or boys and just to pal around and drink with. The tightest of homies and I can’t thank him enough. <3 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? I guess my Korean ex, Huijae? He literally had never dated ANYONE before me, Korean or otherwise, and he while he meant well, he had no emotional intelligence and really did things that bugged me and patronized me and was trying to be manipulative? and I didn’t need that shit? So I got out of that relationship after holding back my own feelings for too long and I’m so much happier and I don’t really talk to him anymore (he has texted a few times after we broke up to ask if he could come visit my host family because he “missed them” *eye roll* but i haven’t let him and he goes off to military service in like two weeks so I think i’m in the clear). 

14. Where did most of your money go? FOOD. I literally just buy food in Korea. Oh, and train tickets to go to Seoul or wherever. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? IT by Stephen King. I was fucking so hyped about it and luckily its release date in Korea was the same as in America so I saw it the night it came out! Also, obvi Fulbright and teaching in Korea. :) 

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? 빨간맛 by Red Velvet and DNA by BTS! Two songs that I have heard OVER AND OVER in korea and I still love them. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier (or about the same - I was done with first sem and my thesis and had gone to Japan so I was probs p happy back then too), b. thinner! (I have lost like 10 or 12 lbs in Korea - wasn’t trying to but the food is just less fattening I think, and I walk more and go to an aerobics class like 3 or 4 times a week!), and c. richer! I’m not rich rich by any means but I have more money from fulbright than I was making as a waitress. :) 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Idk - I did really what I wanted second sem of school, like hanging with MP and drinking and having spontaneous fun, and saw all the people I wanted to before I left for Korea, but I guess I wish I had done more solo trips in Korea? I want to do more before second sem starts too, and I want to visit my friends in their respective cities more because I didn’t get to do that so much in the fall because of my stupid fucking ex always coming to my town and taking up every literal weekend. I wish I was joking about that but it was bad. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spend less time napping! I like naps but then I feel like i miss out on things, as well as have trouble falling asleep at decent times on school nights. Also, I wish I had spent less time being miserable about my relationship and ended it earlier. I gotta put myself the fuck first this year. 

20. How did you spend Christmas? I spent an early Christmas on the 23rd with 6 Fulbright friends in Gwangju, and ended up getting drunk and dancing at the airbnb with all the other tenants for the night! It was really fun. I then spent actual Christmas eve and day at a hotel with my host fam and close family friends, just seeing the ocean (in the freezing cold) and eating seafood stew. I was glad to be with them but I missed home SO fucking much during that time. I did Skype my fam on Christmas eve morning so I saw them a little! 

21. Did you fall in love in 2017? I don't know if I can call it love, but I had a serious crush that was more than just infatuation with a guy in my last sem of college. I didn’t know what I wanted because I was leaving America and he was still a sophomore but I just knew that I could see us together, and it didn’t work out but I still have hope for the future. And with my Korean ex, it wasn’t love at all but I did like him so there’s that? 

22. What was your favorite TV program? In terms of things that I watched in 2017 that I really liked? Breaking Bad, Dark, Stranger Things season 2, and Rupaul’s Drag Race!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My ex? Yeah, it’s petty, but whenever I talk about him or see his picture I get mad. I guess that only half counts on this bc I didn’t know him this time last year? But I don’t hate anyone else. 

24. What was the best book you read? It by Stephen King. That thing is a fucking masterpiece. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Sam Smith, biiiiitch. His newest album is all amazing and I slept on him for too long! Like I knew he was good but this new album is amazing.

26. What did you want and get? I wanted Fulbright and I got it! 

27. What did you want and not get? I wanted to be with aforementioned crush but it was bad timing. Win some, lose some, live & learn. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I CAN’T CHOOSE

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Going through second sem of senior year knowing I had a job after graduation? 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? it has changed a little since coming to Korea in order to try and not stand out so much? I have switched to more solid color tops rather than lots of prints, and I dress more demurely? Like less cleavage showing because that’s how koreans do (not that I am against it, but I’m just tryna fit in). 

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? All the drag queens from Drag Race but especially Trixie & Katya? Ummm also BTS but what is new. ;) 

33. What political issue stirred you the most? everything trump and his administration do and the net neutrality repeal. :( 

34. Who did you miss? I miss my dogs and my mom and my sister and Brian and Cannon and grammy and my MP friends. <3 Being in Korea away from them has been really hard sometimes.  35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. If you really want something, strive for it. Keep your expectations low, but believe in yourself and what you are capable of shining through and getting you what you really want. <3 

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “don’t you get lost in nostalgia, no” - Lost in Nostalgia, The Maine

“take me with you / cause even on your own, you are not alone” - Portugal, Walk the Moon

#personal #quiz #survey #2017 #me

[loviswriting]

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Bizarre Beach! Torn Between Scylla and Charybdis!

JJBA part 4 fan fic. Chapter 8: No trash, only dolphins, please!

Summary: During his stay in Morioh, Jotaro needs to come up with a subject for his doctoral thesis in marine biology! Strange happenings in the waters of Morioh beach piques Jotaros interest, making him investigate strange sightings of a mermaid, followed by injured surfers! In hopes of finding a subject for his thesis he teams up with Kishibe Rohan and Joseph Joestar to solve the mysterious happenings! Is it the work of an actual mermaid or is there a Stand user lurking around the corner?!

Number of chapters: 9

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Total word count for all chapters: 12 749.

Chapter 8 word count: 1166

Authors note: this is my first fan fic, I tried my best and hope you will enjoy it! You may also read it on my Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20937995/chapters/49778429

Jotaro and Rohan sank down a bit into the water, landing on a rocky plateau. Jotaro put down the two starfish and spoke to them, in a clear and slow manner, with the help of Star Platinum. “We mean you no harm. We understand you defended yourselves. Our trash is disturbing your home and the sea life, and by trash, I do not mean Rohan right now. We did wrong and want to help,” Jotaro said and one of the starfishes Stands emerged in front of them; it was Scylla, making its mermaid form. “Our will to attack.. gone,” it spoke, “We saw you, taking black goop away from water,” it continued and pointed at Star Platinum. Jotaro nodded, as did Star Platinum, “Yes. Oil. It’s dangerous for the oceans and I want to protect the oceans. I am a protector of the ocean,” he said and spontaneously invented a new glamorous title for ‘marine biologist’. The mermaid was silent for a while, observing them, before speaking again, “Why you destroy home with strange objects..? Trash..?” it asked with both curiosity and vigilance, confused by the human's contradictory words and actions. “Some humans are careless. Do things without thinking it through,” Rohan answered, “For ages, we humans have thrived in consumption, without thinking about the consequences. Exploiting and doing as we please. Without taking responsibility for our actions… which in the long run harms others, like your home and all of the ocean has been harmed.” Jotaro jumped into Rohan's speech, “And sometimes we need the perspective of others to see clearly. And seeing through your eyes we realize that we have been taking this beach and Morioh waters for granted. Prioritizing tourism before it’s beautiful nature... Dolphins...” Rohan looked around and saw no dolphins, “Anyway… You have powers and so do we as you have seen. We have friends with powers and together we can help you restore your home.” “You can help?” Scylla's mermaid said, still uncertain about Jotaro and Rohan, “How do we know you speak the truth?” Jotaro for a second thought about making Bucciarati lick his cheek again as proof of him no lying but realized that would make no sense to the starfish, “If we did not, would we not have gotten rid of you by now? You have seen our powers. And both your people and our people suffer from this. We know you have attacked our people and you had a good reason for doing so,” Jotaro bent down on one of his knees and Rohan observed and followed him, “And I apologize for the wrongdoings of humanity. But this circle of hurt has to stop. We humans too love the ocean and if we don’t stop this behaviour now, we will not only hurt you who inhabit the oceans, but we will also hurt ourselves. We are all part of the same planet. The same world. Let’s help each other solve this problem.” Scylla was silent for a moment and then spoke, “We accept... the apology. We trust you. Help us.” Jotaro nodded and smiled, “Then we will ask our friends for help. Do you need help to get back to your colony?” he offered. “No,” Scylla answered boldly, “We make our way ourselves. We will prepare. Find all the places with.. trash,” it answered before disappearing in a green energy cloud. Then both of the starfish glowed up with Stand energy and was lifted up upon a rock that started to glide away in the water, back towards the starfish colony near the beach. Jotaro and Rohan made their way back up to the surface and up aboard the boat. “Jotaro-san, to think you are the type to have such a tongue for a great speech like that...” Rohan said and smiled, impressed by the stoic Jotaro. “I haven’t had to choose my words that carefully since I was at university last time, exhausting… Yare yare daze,” he tilted his hat. Bucciarati approached them as the boat started to move towards the Morioh harbour. “It seems you resolved the issue with the starfish?” he said and then pointed at Rohan, “Also that guy doesn’t speak Italian anymore, I have no idea what he just said.” Rohan's writing on his arm that made him speak Italian had been washed off in the water, “For fuck's sake...”, he grunted. The boat arrived at the harbour and Rohan and Jotaro was to step off the boat, as Jotaro hesitated for a moment and stopped, turning to Bucciarati. “Hey. By the way. We’re currently chasing a serial killer in this town. A Stand user. And your Stand seems pretty powerful. We could use someone like you on our team.” Bucciarati smiled but shook his head, “I have to turn the offer down. I have my own matters to attend to. But I hope you won’t be killed, Jotaro Kujo and Rohan Kishibe.” Jotaro and Rohan smiled and made their way off the boat, seeing the Italian off, “Thanks for the help, goodbye!” Rohan bid Bucciarati farewell. “I have no idea what you said! Arrivederci!” Bucciarati greeted back and the Quattro Stagioni started to make its way out of the harbour. “What a strange happening and a strange town… And that Jotaro, he had a certain energy to him.. I feel as if it won’t be the last time I come across someone with that special energy,” Bucciarati said to himself, disappearing towards the horizon. “Okay then, that was an informative field trip with lots of great experiences! It will be a great asset for an ocean arc for my Pink Dark Boy series…” Rohan was satisfied with the day, “So do you have any plan for how to help the Starfish?” “Yeah. I’ll get the team together. I’ll need a day to prepare, I’ll call you tomorrow,” he waved Rohan off as they parted ways. But it felt like he had forgotten something, something important that he should have remembered to take care off, a responsibility… At the same time, a bit out from Morioh beach waters, a lone motorboat was drifting around in the water. “Yare yare fucking daze, the boat...” Jotaro sighed and looked out into the horizon, ocean glittering beautifully with hope, except for the boat, of course, which had no hope left in any possible horizon and was only to face a rough destiny, bruised by violent waves, sinking into oblivion doomed to rust into a husk of its former self. Possibly. Or more likely just drift back to the shore, but that is another tale that is not relevant to Jotaros story, although it actually was his fault and the boat rental will most likely give Jotaro an extra fee for not returning the boat according to rental rules, causing him to spiral deeper down in student loans and debts. Anyway, let’s move on with the actual story. What? The chapter is over? Okay, see you next time in BoatBoats Bizarre Adventure: Motorboat is Unsinkable!

#jojos bizarre adventure #jjba #fanfic #jjba fanfic #jotaro #Rohan Kishibe #bruno bucciarati #jjba part 4 #jjba part 5 #vento aureo #Diamond is Unbreakable #jjba diu #writeblr #writing #writer

[devilinthebox]

Theon in ADWD Re-Read - The Truth Found in the Godswood.

(This covers the Prince of Winterfell chapter. Warnings for rape/implied sexual assault, the Boltons in general). Previous meta can be found under this tag.

Theater creates its own language, able to divulge truths words serve to hide. This is the thesis of Antonin Artaud famous book, le Théâtre et son Double, and the Prince of Winterfell chapter illustrates it better than most examples you could think of. This chapter is a favourite of mine, a favourite of many readers.

My love for literature means that I want to understand how it all works. Reading it over and over again, it becomes clear : the key is theatre. You’ll see, that theme structures the chapter.

The chapter covers the Masquerade Wedding between Ramsay and Jeyne Poole, the feast, and the wedding night. It is a pivotal event in the story - the Boltons solidify their power over the North - as well as an essential step in Theon’s “redemption” arc. Note that I am not fond of the Redemption Arc idea because I find it too morally and religiously charged, but I lack a better term to define Theon’s journey from this book onwards. I could call it Acceptance Arc: he clearly recognizes, regrets his crimes; all of this starts here, in the Godswood of Winterfell.

And redemption demands sincerity of heart. Theon was shallow. His status as a hostage shaped him so profoundly - I believe it’s often downplayed. He was a hostage, and in a sense, he will always be one. I always come back to that truth. The first time we glimpse the real Theon, that scared, bitter, sad young man, is during his last Clash chapter. He compares his life as a hostage as a constant state of fear and pain like that of the man about to be hanged (”it chafed, it chafed me raw”)…

The shy boy he was adapted to constant fear, never truly mended his amputated self-esteem (how can you grow as a person in these circumstances? When, at 10, you are confronted to the harsh truth of being a pawn in a greater political game?). He clung to the appearances - he was a Prince, and handsome at that! - pushing away the terrified boy and his mutilated sense of self. Theon was shallow. And it caused him to constantly choose the wrong paths, the easy ones he needed to boost his pride. It is on a stage, during a masquerade, that Theon finds himself.

Theatre reveals, painfully. It is not a pleasant experience, yet it’s inevitable, inexorable. Theon’s Dance chapters until then have been filled with lies. We have demonstrated that the Reek persona is a mask Theon adopted to protect himself; it is a defense mechanism, never an identity he manages to embrace. Theon, the truth, threatens to burst out at any moment. And we have seen how scared Theon became of his own personality - his smiles, his defiance, his name - surfacing again.

Paradoxically, a play, a performance is needed to summon the truth. Theatre, like the plague, writes Antonin Artaud, is a castastrophe as much as a revelation:

If the essential theater is like the plague, it is not because it is contagious, but because like the plague it is the revelation, the bringing forth, the exteriorization of a depth of latent cruelty by means of which all the perverse possibilities of the mind, whether of an individual or a people, are localized. Like the plague the theater is the time of evil, the triumph of dark powers that are nourished by a power even more profound until extinction. In the theater as in the plague there is a kind of strange sun, a light of abnormal intensity by which it seems that the difficult and even the impossible suddenly become our normal element.

The plague, the play, is the heart of this chapter. It starts with a conversation between two players, forced to hide behind masks that don’t fit them. Jeyne’s eyes shine through : “the bride raised her eyes. Brown eyes, shining in the candlelight”.

Theon struggles to control his thoughts, in spite of his efforts: “talk like that will get you killed, or worse. That lesson he had learned as Reek”.

Their dialogue is touching and intimate like a secret talk two scared actors share before the play, hidden behind the curtains. It is also one of the rare moments they escape Ramsay’s gaze. They are still under the influence of their gaoler and hesitate to act as Theon and Jeyne respectively.

(Interestingly, Jeyne is first defined by the coldness of her body: “a corpse buried in the snow” - snow here may refer to Ramsay’s true last name, meaning she is unable to escape him, her grim fate. It fits with Theon’s way of thinking: he dares not calling Ramsay by his bastard name, yet, his mind will find a way to remember the truth. Coldness also serves as a contrast to the warmth of the Godswood, the “strange sun” that will rise in this chapter).

Theon and Jeyne are still buried in the show. They dare show affection and kindness to one another, though. The masks shatter, a little : “tears spilled from her eyes at last,” Theon notices, as if he were relieved, in a sense, that Jeyne is still there somewhere, afraid but still existing.

The lies persist, Jeyne and Theon are already in costume after all, and almost on stage :

“(…) Does Lord Ramsay think I am pretty?” “Yes,” he lied. “He’s told me so.” “He knows who I am, though. Who I really am. I see it when he looks at me. He looks so angry, even when he smiles, but it’s not my fault. They say he likes to hurt people.” “My lady should not listen to such … lies.” “They say that he hurt you. Your hands, and …” His mouth was dry. “I … I deserved it. I made him angry. You must not make him angry. Lord Ramsay is a … a sweet man, and kindly. Please him, and he will be good to you. Be a good wife.” “Help me.” She clutched at him. “Please. I used to watch you in the yard, playing with your swords. You were so handsome.” She squeezed his arm. “If we ran away, I could be your wife, or your … your whore … whatever you wanted. You could be my man.” Theon wrenched his armaway fromher. “I’m no … I’m no one’s man.” A man would help her. “Just … just be Arya, be his wife. Please him, or … just please him, and stop this talk about being someone else.” Jeyne, her name is Jeyne, it rhymes with pain. (…) “It is time. Wipe those tears from your eyes.” Brown eyes. They should be grey. Someone will see. Someone will remember. “Good. Now smile.” The girl tried. Her lips, trembling, twitched up and froze, and he could see her teeth. Pretty white teeth, he thought, but if she angers him, they will not be pretty long.

(The “pretty white teeth” expression is a clear parallel to Ramsay’s line concerning Theon. It binds Jeyne and Theon’s experiences, meaning they are similar).

I couldn’t resist reminding you of the entirety of the dialogue: it’s so profoundly emotional. Also, it sets up the whole theme of this chapter. Theon and Jeyne have to enter the stage now, unwilling, as if sentenced to death. At this point, they’re both on the verge of abandoning their identities forever. The scene ends with this detail, sinister, yet not deprived of hope: “when he pushed the door open, three of the four candles fluttered out”.

One candle is still burning.

There is no denying it. The “dark powers” Antonin Artaud evokes are winning. The Wedding plays out. There is no preventing it, and, akin to the horrific plague, the play is a revelation. It is the first step in Theon’s journey towards the acceptance of his true nature, his faults and his regrets.

As readers, we know Theon’s kept his wits. He is an actor, he plays his part, and he is starting to realise it will lead him nowhere :

 “they are using me to cloak their deception, putting mine own face on their lie. That was why Roose Bolton had clothed him as a lord again, to play his part in this mummer’s farce. Once that was done, once their false Arya had been wedded and bedded, Bolton would have no more use for Theon Turncloak.”

Note that he speaks of Theon Turncloak as if it were yet another character, not the true Theon yet. Indeed, Turncloak is as much a caricature as Reek. And Theon, as a person and a character, needs to embrace the complexity of his personality in order to be redeemed. (Again, think of the term with an open mind - I have no better word than Redemption, although I’m bothered by its religious connotations).

Theon seems to be obsessed with lies. They grew unbearable.

“Serve us in this, and when Stannis is defeated we will discuss how best to restore you to your father’s seat,” his lordship had said in that soft voice of his, a voice made for lies and whispers. Theon never believed a word of it. He would dance this dance for them because he had no choice, but afterward … He will give me back to Ramsay (…)

But Theon is still buried in the snow, his mind refusing hope - all the suffering it brings. Death by Stannis’ sword is “the best he could hope for”. The Wedding is a terrifying, humiliating experience for Jeyne and Theon. It is their Plague. The horrible event that reveals the beasts hiding beneath the masks. No other scene demonstrates this better than Theon’s description of the guests:

The way the mists threw back the shifting light made their features seem bestial, half-human, twisted. Lord Stout became a mastiff, old Lord Locke a vulture, Whoresbane Umber a gargoyle, Big Walder Frey a fox, Little Walder a red bull, lacking only a ring for his nose. Roose Bolton’s own face was a pale grey mask, with two chips of dirty ice where his eyes should be. Above their heads the trees were full of ravens, their feathers fluffed as they hunched on bare brown branches, staring down at the pageantry below. Maester Luwin’s birds. Luwin was dead, and his maester’s tower had been put to the torch, yet the ravens lingered. This is their home. Theon wondered what that would be like, to have a home.

Then the mists parted, like the curtain opening at a mummer show to reveal some new tableau. The heart tree appeared in front of them, its bony limbs spread wide. Fallen leaves lay about the wide white trunk in drifts of red and brown. The ravens were the thickest here, muttering to one another in the murderers’ secret tongue.

Difficult not to be reminded of Artaud’s take on theatre: a “strange sun” (”it was warmer in the godswood, strange to say “ ; “inside the godswood, the ground remained unfrozen, and steam rose off the hot pools, as warm as baby’s breath”), a “revelation”, a moment where the impossible slides within our reach.

This scene refers to theatre explicitely (”like the curtain opening at a mummer show”, “a pale grey mask”).

The Godswood allows Theon to connect with his souvenirs, emotions, regrets. All of this is linked to Winterfell and the family he idealised - the Starks. 

“Theon wore black and gold, his cloak pinned to his shoulder by a crude iron kraken that a smith in Barrowton had hammered together for him. But under the hood, his hair was white and thin, and his flesh had an old man’s greyish undertone. A Stark at last, he thought.”

(To me, the white hair detail is meant to be symbolic before all else - maybe Theon’s dark hair hasn’t gone completely white, but it doesn’t matter. It looks white, cold, frozen. Theon is buried in snow, as we’ve said before).

Of course, the connection is even deeper than he realises as Bran will soon call for him through the Weirwood Tree. In Theon’s storyline, the Godswood symbolises the past that does not pass. The past is the first step to acceptance; Theon doesn’t need to remember as much as he needs to accept who he always refused to be - the shy, scared boy who yearned for home. Then, he can deal with his faults.

I personally read this bit as a metaphor for his journey:

There was a path of sorts, a meandering footpath of cracked stones overgrown with moss, half buried beneath blown dirt and fallen leaves and made treacherous by thick brown roots pushing up from underneath. He led the bride along it. Jeyne, her name is Jeyne, it rhymes with pain. He must not think that, though. Should that name pass his lips, it might cost him a finger or an ear. He walked slowly, watching every step.

The path to acceptance is “treacherous” - Theon might tempted to find excuses or deny some parts of himself he deems weak. It’s also “half buried”, meaning the path is not clear to him yet, he doesn’t know what to do, how to find hope and strength any longer. The key to it seems to be empathy : “he led the bride along it”. Jeyne, an innocent young girl, as scared as he had been as he was snatched away from his home. A girl that doesn’t matter in the great scheme. A pawn, the Prince he was wouldn’t have cared about, once.

Theon remains in a constant state of terror. He is someone who was shaped by fear. Ramsay amped up Theon’s fear to its maximum, forcing him to retreat within the confines of his mind. Inside the warmth of the Godswood, leading Jeyne on this path, Theon is slowly regaining his strength. He walks carefully. The lights around him are still faint, weak:

The mists were so thick that only the nearest trees were visible; beyond them stood tall shadows and faint lights. Candles flickered beside the wandering path and back amongst the trees, pale fireflies floating in a warm grey soup. It felt like some strange underworld, some timeless place between the worlds, where the damned wandered mournfully for a time before finding their way down to whatever hell their sins had earned them. Are we all dead, then? Did Stannis come and kill us in our sleep? Is the battle yet to come, or has it been fought and lost?

(That scene is so beautiful)

Soon, the dark masquerade will play. Theon and Jeyne cling to their masks, quite desperately, to survive. Since Jeyne and Theon touching conversation, Theon hasn’t let himself got off script. With Ramsay here, this is amplified by the nature of the ceremony. He is reciting a text. But isn’t he always reciting a text, with Ramsay around?

Ramsay Bolton stood (…) clad in high boots of soft grey leather and a black velvet doublet slashed with pink silk and glittering with garnet teardrops. A smile danced across his face. “Who comes?” His lips were moist, his neck red above his collar. “Who comes before the god?” Theon answered. “Arya of House Stark comes here to be wed. A woman grown and flowered, trueborn and noble, she comes to beg the blessings of the gods. Who comes to claim her?” “Me,” said Ramsay. “Ramsay of House Bolton, Lord of the Hornwood, heir to the Dreadfort. I claim her. Who gives her?” “Theon of House Greyjoy, who was her father’s ward.” He turned to the bride. “Lady Arya, will you take this man?”

And then - Jeyne embodies the Truth, with her brown eyes, reminding Theon of his lies, of the scene, the stage.

She raised her eyes to his. Brown eyes, not grey. Are all of them so blind? For a long moment she did not speak, but those eyes were begging.

There is hope for them both : 

“All around them lights glimmered through the mists, a hundred candles pale as shrouded stars.”

But first, they must face the Plague. 

“The weirwood’s carved red eyes stared down at them, its great red mouth open as if to laugh. In the branches overhead a raven quorked.”

After the Wedding, Theon shares another intimate moment. With someone he never took the time to understand, really - himself. At last! And it happens in the Godswood, a place of memories, repressed feelings and emotions. (Do you know The Unforgiven III? This song is Theon’s: been afraid, always afraid // Of the things he’s feeling // He could just be gone // He would just sail on…). The scene is positioned in the centre of the chapter, emphasising its symbolic importance.

Alone on the deserted stage, Theon finally dares to think freely. It’s a monologue, and any theatre lover knows the pivotal role of monologues in a tragedy.

Theon found himself wondering if he should say a prayer. Will the old gods hear me if I do? They were not his gods, had never been his gods. He was ironborn, a son of Pyke, his god was the Drowned God of the islands … but Winterfell was long leagues from the sea. It had been a lifetime since any god had heard him.

(But us, the readers, we do hear him in that moment. He isn’t alone, really. The reader is the closest to a god in the world of ASOIAF, as we are offered the perspective of all characters)

He did not know who he was, or what he was, why he was still alive, why he had ever been born. “Theon,” a voice seemed to whisper. His head snapped up. “Who said that?”

This bit sounds strangely Shakespearian to me. I’m expecting to see a vengeful ghost any second.

All he could see were the trees and the fog that covered them. The voice had been as faint as rustling leaves, as cold as hate. A god’s voice, or a ghost’s.

Well then.

How many died the day that he took Winterfell? How many more the day he lost it? The day that Theon Greyjoy died, to be reborn as Reek. Reek, Reek, it rhymes with shriek. Suddenly he did not want to be here. Once outside the godswood the cold descended on him like a ravening wolf and caught him in its teeth. He lowered his head into the wind and made for the Great Hall, hastening after the long line of candles and torches. Ice crunched beneath his boots, and a sudden gust pushed back his hood, as if a ghost had plucked at him with frozen fingers, hungry to gaze upon his face. Winterfell was full of ghosts for Theon Greyjoy.

The revelation unsettles Theon; deep down, he wants to face himself. The fear is still there, though. He has suffered so much, and for what? To keep a name and a personality that ended up betraying him, leading him to make terrible choices, to become a person no one could ever pity?

There is still an ambiguity here, between the cold and the warmth. It is the “frozen fingers”, the cold, that wants to reveal the truth, to uncloak him. As we’ve seen, the path Theon will follow from this chapter onwards is not a easy one. It’s a perillious journey. He may get lost again. This is a strong parallel with Bran Stark’s own journey. The two Princes of Winterfell will need to advance in the shadows in order to find the truth those around them concealed.

This is not the purpose of this meta to explore this theme further but I do believe the parallels between Theon and Bran are meaningful, strongly tied to the battles to come. It’s another hint that Theon’s storyline is verging towards the magical. After all, Theon was never made for politics. He has been a prize of war, a pawn to his father and Eddard Stark. The two Princes of Winterfell are more suited to the Godswood than the Throne Room. (Which does not mean they will never rule, although I have doubts about Theon ruling again. But Bran’s magic has to be taken into account). I hope they meet again. There are so many connections between them.

This moment of truth is left unfinished. It still has repercussions on Theon’s mind. His defiance surges back - he allows himself to be bitter, and depressed, and emotional. It’s great: this is the first step into regaining strength and dignity.

All the color had been leached from Winterfell until only grey and white remained. The Stark colors. Theon did not know whether he ought to find that ominous or reassuring.

(This is often undermined : Theon’s core conflict is there, plain to see. He can’t put words into his feelings regarding the Starks).

And above all, Theon cannot turn a blind eye to the truth any longer. It’s always creeping through, in the form of Jeyne: 

“Even the sky was grey. Grey and grey and greyer. The whole world grey, everywhere you look, everything grey except the eyes of the bride.”

But this chapter is the first step of a long journey. Theon is not even aware of the great change within him: 

“What had she been thinking, that he would whistle up a winged horse and fly her out of here, like some hero in the stories she and Sansa used to love? He could not even help himself.”

He still corrects himself in his own narrative: “So long as Jeyne took care not to anger him, he should have no cause to harm her. Arya. Her name is Arya.”

His walk to the Hall holds a symbolic meaning as well. Nietzsche writes in the Twilight of Idols : “Only thoughts reached by walking have value,” in opposition to Flaubert. Theon’s quiet walk confirms this, as his steps lead him inexorably to the atrocious wedding night, he finds himself remembering. Memories are the crux of our identities. Theon might not realise it, but what he is doing is already brave, and an act of resistance against Ramsay’s psychological (and physical) tyranny.

It starts with a sensation, because Descartes was wrong and our minds express themselves through our bodies:

“Even inside fur-lined gloves, Theon’s hands had begun to throb with pain. It was often his hands that hurt the worst, especially his missing fingers. Had there truly been a time when women yearned for his touch? I made myself the Prince of Winterfell, he thought, and from that came all of this. He had thought that men would sing of him for a hundred years and tell tales of his daring. But if anyone spoke of him now, it was as Theon Turncloak, and the tales they told were of his treachery.”

Finally, Theon reflects on his past actions and how they’ve come to define him, annihilating any hope for redemption, a better future. This state of mind, the hopelessness, also prevents him from helping an innocent girl. So, in this case, to look back allows Theon to grow as a person, make sense of his own actions. He ceases to idealise his life in Winterfell: 

“this was never my home. I was a hostage here. Lord Stark had not treated him cruelly, but the long steel shadow of his greatsword had always been between them. He was kind to me, but never warm. He knew that one day he might need to put me to death.”

There can be no future for someone who’s stuck in the past, whether idealised or dreaded. Still, Winterfell remains his almost home, a place he could have been happy. A place he wanted to feel accepted in. Simply put, Theon is facing the truth, with all its facets.

Theon kept his eyes downcast as he crossed the yard, weaving between the tents. I learned to fight in this yard, he thought, remembering warm summer days spent sparring with Robb and Jon Snow under the watchful eyes of old Ser Rodrik. That was back when he was whole, when he could grasp a sword hilt as well as any man. But the yard held darker memories as well. This was where he had assembled Stark’s people the night Bran and Rickon fled the castle. Ramsay was Reek then, standing at his side, whispering that he should flay a few of his captives to make them tell him where the boys had gone. There will be no flaying here whilst I am Prince of Winterfell, Theon had responded, little dreaming how short his rule would prove. None of them would help me. I had known them all for half my life, and not one of them would help me. Even so, he had done his best to protect them, but once Ramsay put Reek’s face aside he’d slain all the men, and Theon’s ironborn as well. He set my horse afire. That was the last sight he had seen the day the castle fell: Smiler burning, the flames leaping from his mane as he reared up, kicking, screaming, his eyes white with terror. Here in this very yard.

It’s worth noticing that Theon, for the first time, thinks of Ramsay with no apparent trace of terror. The memories are flooding his mind, many of them include traumatic events. Yet, he carries on, detach himself from the Reek persona and clearly defines it as a mask (”once Ramsay put Reek’s face aside (…)”).

The last part of the chapter opens with a light: “the hall was blessedly warmand bright with torchlight, as crowded as he had ever seen it.”

Again, the truth, now revealed, cannot be unseen:

“(...) along the walls the banners hung: the horseheads of the Ryswells in gold, brown, grey, and black; the roaring giant of House Umber; the stone hand of House Flint of Flint’s Finger (…) Yet their bright colors could not entirely cover the blackened walls behind them, nor the boards that closed the holes where windows once had been. Even the roof was wrong, its raw new timbers light and bright, where the old rafters had been stained almost black by centuries of smoke (…) the largest banners were behind the dais, where the direwolf of Winterfell and the flayed man of the Dreadfort hung back of the bride and groom. The sight of the Stark banner hit Theon harder than he had expected. Wrong, it’s wrong, as wrong as her eyes.”

Theon is fully himself in this moment - sorrowful, full of self-hatred. This is one of the reasons why the term “redemption” bothers me: Theon acknowledge his crimes, but refuses forgiveness. He doesn’t seem to seek it (or to believe it possible, even): “Theon Turncloak,” someone said as he passed. Other men turned away at the sight of him. One spat. And why not? He was the traitor who had taken Winterfell by treachery, slain his foster brothers, delivered his own people to be flayed at Moat Cailin, and given his foster sister to Lord Ramsay’s bed. Roose Bolton might make use of him, but true northmen must despise him.

As we have seen, it’s only the beginning of his journey. For now, he is focused on survival. That’s all. But at least, he is able to think freely. 

“Let them laugh. His pride had perished here in Winterfell; there was no place for such in the dungeons of the Dreadfort. When you have known the kiss of a flaying knife, a laugh loses all its power to hurt you.” He even regains his old, dark humor : “to his right sat no one. They are all afraid the dishonor might rub of on them. If he had dared, he would have laughed.”

The feast is another play where lies reign. Even the pie is a lie (this one was too easy, sorry) : 

“True to his word, Manderly devoured six portions, two from each of the three pies, smacking his lips and slapping his belly and stuffing himself until the front of his tunic was half-brown with gravy stains and his beard was flecked with crumbs of crust.”

The same motif keeps on repeating itself - Jeyne and her eyes, the truth, Theon’s true self, the bravery he can display now that he has lost his misplaced pride, his false hopes.

“When she raised her head and looked at Theon, he could see the fear behind her big brown eyes. No longswords had been allowed within the hall, but every man there wore a dagger, even Theon Greyjoy. How else to cut his meat? Every time he looked at the girl who had been Jeyne Poole, he felt the presence of that steel at his side. I have no way to save her, he thought, but I could kill her easy enough. No one would expect it. I could beg her for the honor of a dance and cut her throat. That would be a kindness, wouldn’t it? (…)”

Interestingly, the truth is visible through Theon’s thoughts. Spoken words are the ones who are treacherous. See Theon’s dialogue with Barbrey Dustin, where he doesn’t dare speak his mind. “Her last word was a lash, but Theon dared not answer back in kind. Any insolence would cost him skin. “If my lady believes Lord Manderly wants to betray us, Lord Bolton is the one to tell.” They’re both standing on the sidelines as Roose receives news of Stannis’ army as if they were two characters on the stage, commenting on the comedy around them.

Ser Hosteen Frey pushed to his feet. “We should ride forth to meet them. Why allow them to combine their strength?” Because Arnolf Karstark awaits only a sign from Lord Bolton before he turns his cloak, thought Theon, as other lords began to shout out counsel.

It cannot last. Ramsay remains a constant threat, imprisoning Theon in a role that suits him less and less. The sole presence of Ramsay’s allies means that Theon returns to his state of terror.

It was not until Theon pushed himself to his feet that he realized how much he’d drunk. When he stumbled from the table, he knocked a flagon from the hands of a serving girl. Wine splashed across his boots and breeches, a dark red tide. A hand grabbed his shoulder, five fingers hard as iron digging deep into his flesh. “You’re wanted, Reek,” said Sour Alyn, his breath foul with the smell from his rotten teeth. Yellow Dick and Damon Dance-for-Me were with him. “Ramsay says you’re to bring his bride to his bed.” A shiver of fear went through him. I played my part, he thought. Why me? He knew better than to object, though.

He has no choice but to help Jeyne hide beneath the mask of Arya, so as to protect herself from the worst of Ramsay’s tortures. As he did before her. As he continues to do, reluctantly. The two are explicitly paralleled in their suffering: 

“she had emptied that goblet more than once. Perhaps she hoped that if she drank enough, the ordeal would pass her by. Theon knew better.”

Their shared pain isolates them from this comedy. They feel, really, like the two last real people in Winterfell, but only with each other, when the masks shatter a bit. It’s in the details. Here, as they follow Ramsay’s men like the two prisoners they remain.

“As they climbed, Damon Dance-for-Me whistled, whilst Skinner boasted that Lord Ramsay had promised him a piece of the bloody sheet as a mark of special favor.” 

We don’t get Damon’s line, because it’s a background noise. They try not to pay attention, to appreciate the presence of the other while they still can. Forget the rest.

The motif of theatre is present until the very end of the chapter. The bedchamber has been “prepared” like a stage, with all the accessories. 

“All the furnishings were new, brought up from Barrowton in the baggage train. The canopy bed had a feather mattress and drapes of blood-red velvet. The stone floor was covered with wolfskins. A fire was burning in the hearth, a candle on the bedside table. On the sideboard was a flagon of wine, two cups, and a half wheel of veined white cheese.”

And Ramsay is waiting, strategically positioned, as an actor would be. 

“There was a chair as well, carved of black oak with a red leather seat. Lord Ramsay was seated in it when they entered.”

Theon soon realises he won’t be able to let go of his Reek costume tonight. He struggles with his usual role, fails to master his thoughts as he was trained to. Again, this act of resistance is betrayed by his mouth, his body as if the body were the last piece of Theon that still belongs to the Boltons.

”Not you, Reek. You stay.” (…) He could feel his missing fingers cramping: two on his left hand, one on his right. And on his hip his dagger rested, sleeping in its leather sheath, but heavy, oh so heavy. It is only my pinky gone on my right hand, Theon reminded himself. I can still grip a knife. “My lord. How may I serve you?”

His mind, though, it never truly surrendered. Theon is no longer blinded by Ramsay’s lies. He sees the harsh, horrible truth: 

“A child. Theon had forgotten how young she was. Sansa’s age. Arya would be even younger. Despite the fire in the hearth, the bedchamber was chilly.”

And the truth found in the Godswood, it’s cold, cold, cold.

#theon greyjoy #jeyne poole #gottheongreyjoy #asoiaf meta #i never know how to tag asoiaf stuff #also featuring #bran stark #ramsay snow #barbrey dustin #words are wind #asoiaf epiphany #this is such a masterpiece of a chapter #please follow me through it

[mgtowmemes]

Men Don’t Exist

Link: https://selfknowledgedaily.com/men-don-t-exist-society-s-indifference-towards-male-suffering-3f580ef6b21d#.ex2mi788t

Men Don’t Exist: Society’s Indifference Towards Male Suffering

“A woman cries and everybody rushes to give her what she wants, and a man cries and everyone scorns and looks away embarrassed.

We no more think of warming our hearts towards the warm hearts of boys than we do of imagining changing the position of the sun by twisting the dials on our clocks. To suggest it is insane. To imagine it’s occurring is deranged. We are that far from the emancipation from the isolation of the human male child.

We raise men COLD, FROZEN, BRUTALIZED, through the cold Medusa eyes of indifference and then, you see, we complain that the hierarchy, the Patriarchy of Men is not very nice!” — Stefan Molyneux from the YouTube video How A Man’s Heart Is Murdered

Besides the incredibly large collections of data that have been organized and presented in YouTube videos such as “The Truth About Male Privilege,” “The Truth About Domestic Violence,” “The Truth About Rape Culture,” “The Truth About Violence,” or the plethora of social experiments that truly show the extent to which society simply doesn’t care about men, which I’d recommend watching if the idea that men having any significant issues in the west sounds completely absurd to you, I can scarcely think of a better way to validate the thesis that society (especially women) does not care about men and boys than to try this simple experiment:

Simply talk about the very real issues that males face today. And, if you can, try talking about them to a woman. Make sure they are adamant about not just taking your word for it; show them the facts. Show them the facts about spanking, which reveal that mothers spank more than fathers and that boys are more likely to get spanked than girls. Talk about how between 60% and 80% of rapists, sex offenders, and sexually aggressive men were sexually abused by a woman in their childhood. Mention to them the devastating short and long term effects of circumcision as well as how three-quarters of American adult men are circumcised. Or, share the underlying data which show that women are as physically aggressive, or more aggressive, than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners, yet despite this fact, there are no shelters for men.

Talk to them about these issues and see how they respond. From my own experience, the sad truth is that even the most heartfelt attempts I’ve made to evoke sympathy and understanding towards the suffering of men and boys through some of my most carefully crafted sentences fall completely on deaf ears. The sheer number of futile attempts I’ve made to evoke even the smallest iota of understanding and compassion towards the suffering towards men and boys is enough to drive one to despair.

Take this brief exchange I had in the comment section of an anti-circumcision (anti baby boy genital mutilation) Facebook picture that was being shared. The names I’ll make up.

Bob commented by saying:

Men have a right to be extremely angry about what is being done to them. This is child abuse of the worst kind.

To which I replied:

We are mutilated as babies, hit by our parents as children , yelled at and humiliated by our teachers as adolescents and teenagers, only to then be told that we the oppressive ones, that we are the spousal abusers, the rapists of society and if we are single and live alone, possibly due to the low self-esteem that occurs as a result of this incessant scorn, then at the very least, we objectify others through our video games.

It’s no wonder the suicide rate for men is so high.

Then a woman I’ll call Sherry joined the discussion with:

See, but hasn’t the ‘stigma’ of living alone changed a bit. I view any male in my age bracket who doesn’t live at home, more of a responsible adult. Just sayin.

And we can tie in what you are saying to the need to be accepted. Ie: Bruce/ Caitlin Jenner. Why have I always felt so out of place? “why don’t you act like a pretty girl?” “why do you like the Dukes of Hazzard? You’re a girl. You should be playing with dolls” Fuck you. I like cars and dirt and camping and fishing. I like to play in the mud. And I like to get my hands dirty… Even when I have my fucking nails did…

Accepting who we are is important.

She later wrote:

See and I’ve never met a guy who was unhappy about being circumcised. And I have met a few who weren’t but to ‘fit in’ they wanted one….

Reactions like Sherry’s are incredibly frustrating for men like me because men are often shamed considerably for lacking sensitivity and have been told repeatedly about the superiority of female empathy. Yet, when it comes time to demonstrate this superior empathy, when you begin to talk about men’s issues, you get these kind of indifferent, annoying, and irrelevant knee-jerk responses that have become all too typical. Almost inevitably will somebody (often a woman) come into a discussion about how an issue specifically effects men and boys and immediately move the conversation away from men by saying something like, “Well, it’s a human being issue! This ties into something larger, like the over all human need to be accepted, which is experienced by men and women alike!”

Could you imagine if I said, “I’ve never met a women who was unhappy in the kitchen all day! But, if they are suffering from near catatonic depression, we can tie that into the need of wanting to be fulfilled. Gosh, I hated being expected to like sports as a guy!”

And when they do finally bring the conversation back towards men, it’s when something negative about women such as female aggression towards children is brought up, in which case you will hear the “Yes, but men too!” response as if to again remind us of how terrible men can be.

“Yes, I women are violent, but men are violent too. And they rape more.”

Of course men are violent too! It’s not too interesting to say men can be aggressive, jerks, rapists, murderers, and child abusers. Nor is it terribly interesting to say that women can be victims of aggressive male jerks, rapists, murderers and child abusers. It’s uninteresting because it is blatantly true. It’s so true that stating it sounds more like an observation than a criticism.

Besides, the statement that "women play a role in the cycle of violence" does not mean "men do not play a role in the cycle of violence," any more than the statement "cats bite about 750,000 people a year" implies that "dogs don’t bite people at all as well.”

But when women's capacity for aggression and female responsibility is talked about, it's so often the case that people respond as if that's exactly what you just said. Now, there are probably many reasons for this, some which might involve propaganda or even biology, so I’m not saying I think that these reactions are the result of “women’s inherent badness” or “women’s inherent stupidity.” After all, men do it too! … No really. I’m not being facetious. After one post I made about the abuse I suffered from my mother, a guy responded:

“What is causing you to feel so angry? I understand the frustration your are feeling in your life and about your mom, but you said you are going to sit in anger now. Is this a recent realization?”

This is largely the purpose for talking about how certain issues specifically effect men and boys at all; because these are things that people are still largely indifferent towards, ignore, or even inappropriately turn into subjects of humor, whereas this is not the case with women’s issues. And not only does that mean men’s suffering is overlooked, but so is female evil, and to ignore or excuse female evil is highly sexist towards women as it puts them in the position of an infant by taking moral responsibility from them, which in turn only enables the cycle of violence to continue.

So, when people respond as they did in the previous examples that I had given, it only further confirms and validates the thesis that compassion towards men and boys is so rare as to be practically nonexistent, which is why it’s so important to speak up for them.

The truth is that the violence in men we see today is a symptom of and is directly proportional to the lack of love from women in the world. It is the lack of love from women that is killing the world, not just male violence. When I see a male dictator, or rapist, a pedophile, a thief, a gang member, a murderer, I see a cold, emotionally incestuous, distancing, and/or violent mother.

This isn’t my mommy issues or my hatred of women speaking. It is just an empirical fact that women play role in the cycle of violence. In addition to male violence, beyond reasonable doubt, beyond serious doubt, beyond sane, informed, intelligent doubt, beyond doubt it is a fact that the lack of love from women is also killing this planet.

We’ve spent decades attempting to heal the world through pointing out male violence. It hasn’t worked. It doesn’t work. It will never work, not unless we talk about that which is under-acknowledged, ignored and overlooked — female evil.

As a friend of mine once said,

“The degree to which we can have empathy for girls and not for boys, is the same degree in which we lack empathy.” — Patrick Chapman

[salmonthestoryteller]

Directly in Front

A Three Musketeers Fanfic

There was a quote, he was certain he’d heard it before.  Probably from Aramis, though it might have been Athos.  D'Artagnan, being too new still to their company, was eliminated from the possible quoters.  Because, Porthos was fairly certain anyhow, it hadn’t been their own words but a quote from someone else.  It really rather was likely it was Aramis, as he was the one forever reading and writing and speaking of verses and thesis.  Athos, though, seemed to have a quote or history to mention - and all quite suddenly - a time or three.  So he still could have been the one to say it.

The truth was, Porthos had not committed the full quote itself to memory, so it was not surprising he had not committed the quoter to memory either.  But something in it had caught his ear, and so he still retained the gist of it, if not the fullness.

The best place to hide was directly in front.

Taken at face value, the quote was absurd, but upon reflection, he understood the gist.  For the most part, he was not one for reflection. However, in this case, the quote had been cause for it as it seemed to strike quite close to home, as one might say.

He had, by no means, the intelligence of his companions.  If asked, in order, he would most likely have said that D'Artagnan was highest, though Athos a close second, and Aramis third, despite his love of books and verses.  There were some, though few ever repeated the remark after he gave them a sound thrashing for it, who even called him stupid.  He maintained that it was false, for though he didn’t have the mind for intrigues of D'Artagnan, the mind for strategy of Athos, or the mind of verses and sonnets of Aramis, there was a difference between being not the best at a thing and being the worst.

And though his friends often said they saw through his dissembling with ease, there were plenty of others who did not.  And his friends were deceived in some ways, though through lies of omission more often than outright lies, or through refusing to ask questions, as Athos did out of feigned disinterest and Aramis for politeness. D'Artagnan might have been a concern, but he was convinced of his openness in all manners not concerning vanity, and that was a quit to his worry on that account.  In truth, D'Artagnan seemed least interested in him, and most interested in Athos, and if he hadn’t laid that ax to rest a long time ago, he might have felt a slight prejudice for the fact.

And he supposed it was a matter of vanity, in the end.  A matter of discretion as well, though his friends would be fast to claim he had none.  And in some ways they were right.  But in a couple matters they were wrong.  For though he’d declared to them before that he had come from a poor background, they had never once asked the questions one might expect from such a declaration.  Such as where a boy of such poor background got ahold of a sword and learned swordplay, or who had recommended him to M d. Treville. And most of all, never once did they ask, where he went after having lost in betting; where he went to gain the money to pay back his debts.  Or why he seemed a bit the worst for it, even though he returned with coins in his pocket.

But, then, Porthos supposed, he’d never asked himself if the lack of such questions meant they were worse friends for it or better.  Perhaps both.

“Handsome Porthos, a pity you aren’t here so often anymore.”  The lips that brushed his neck were rough and whiskered.  The bag of money on the table was the same color as any other money, be it from stipend or mistress.

He did not watch the man leave, but washed and dressed stiffly, until a knock came at the door.  His countenance until that moment might have shocked his friends in it’s seriousness.  The knock seemed to reignite some of his spirits.  "Come.“

The woman who entered was older than he, but younger than several of his lovers - including his duchess.  His newly appeared smile disappeared when he saw her frown.  "Zounds, you’ve come to lecture me.”

Closing the door, the woman sat on the bed occupied mere minutes before by he and the man now departed.  "My dear Pathos, you eat from two messes, and that will backfire if you don’t ware.“

"I had need of money, and my mistress is not always agreeable.”

“You have more than one mistress.”

“But less than I can claim.”

‘Are they all so stingy?“

"They’re all quite jealous.”

“Ah, that is a folly of lovers.”

“You would not know.”

“Not so, in the past I’ve suffered the strikes of many a woman who realized their lovers and husbands came to them from my doorstep.”

“You lecture me, yet you don’t hesitate to find me agreeable evening company who are lonely and loose of coin.”

“I am a hypocrite in all things, as you are well acquainted.  But I did not gain a recommendation so you could return to my service when your pocket is light.  Especially when your closet is full.”  So saying she eyed the clothing he wore.

“You wound me.  What clothes I no longer need I give to Mousqueton,”

“We admittedly have different opinions of what is needed.”

“And you a woman?  For shame.”

“…I failed your mother for certain.”

“Not at all.”

“I promised her son would not sell himself as she was forced to after your father’s death.”

“And how is seducing a benefactor any different than selling an evening?”

“To me?  Only that the former is supposed to ensure the lack of need of the latter.”

“Were it but so.”

“You have yourself to blame!”

“The devil you say!”

“You could seduce a princess, yet covet a duchess.”

“I covet her coffer.”

“The princess has a larger coffer.”

“You taught me yourself that the higher the lover, the bigger the demands.  And, more often, the less the reward.”

“I?”

“Indeed, and though I often not commit lines to memory, hark that I have heard you well, for here is the long and short of it.”  Composing his thoughts for a moment, Porthos quoted slowly and deliberately, “The great need not prove they are great, and instead desire a lover to prove they are worthy.  It is those below that stature that aspire to it that go out of their way to gain handsomer lovers and expend their coins more easily to keep them from straying.”

The woman on the bed sat very still, her face somewhat troubled after he’d finished. “Yes, in truth, it was my advice.  You weren’t suppose to listen so well.”

“Therefore the princess is not good except for a mere flirtation.”

“Flirt with the princess, then, but zounds, stop asking me to sell you cheaply.  I beg your mother’s forgiveness every time.”

“She would be a hypocrite to condemn me.”

“Not so, for a mother always wants a better life for her son than she had herself.”

“You would not know that either.”

“It’s true you are not young enough to be my son, but having had a hand in raising you, I can’t help but feel some matronly feelings.”

“My lover is older than you, and she has no such feelings.”

“You’re lover had no hand in raising you, or she would feel differently.  Worry me no more on this matter.  You are my one matter of conscious.”

“You had me trained in seduction right along with swordplay, yet you lecture me about conscious?”

“You return my motherly concerns with accusations?”

“Not so, I owe my current position to your wisdom.  All the same, until my fortune is made I must make what fortune I must.”

“Which means you will not desist of participating in my service house until you have gained glory or a wife.”

“Only as I need, dear Mistress, only as I need.  Besides, it’s the most discreet service house in Paris.”

“You’ll ruin us both if you’re caught!”

“My exploits as a lover are well noted.  I may be teased for buying one for an evening, but never will my compatriots suppose I was bought.”

“You have equipped yourself an admirable alibi then.  I suppose in that I must take comfort.”  Rising from the bed, she opened her arms, and with a bright grin, Porthos bounded over to lift her into his arms, swinging in a circle gaily.

“When that coffer is mine, will you quit your service house and be my head maid?”

“By God, as if I could! I’m far too infamous.  Send your sons to make use of my services instead.  Then I will know you’ve truly made your fortune.”

“Who says I’ll have sons?”  And the usually boisterous man reddened a little as he set her down.

The Mistress arced a fine eyebrow.  "The way you go at it, you’ll probably have ten before you’ve gained coffer or glory.“

Porthos rumbled a laugh then, though his look as he took the bag of money awaiting him on the bedside table was still a tad wane.  "I’m off to rejoin my company then.”

“With such a face you only make me feel the more guilty…was it for the company choice?”

“Relax on that matter.  You know I am gay and careless in the choosing of temporary partners.”

“That is true, for I know from my own sources that while publically it is whispered you are quite intimate with a certain countess, it is her son who favors you more.”

“Then be at ease.”

“How can I when you make such a long face?  Tell me, is it the matter of selling an evening, rather than romancing it?”

“It is rather like a feast without the trimmings, and even perhaps wine.  It sustains but does not satisfy.”

“And is that all?  Speak truth, you do find shame in it, and hence your unhappiness.”

Porthos tugged at his clothing in irritation.  "Let us part on good terms.“  Was all he said.

The Mistress sighed, and nodded, hugging the giant man again.  "I’d loan to you, if you let me.”

“Never.  My debt to you is too high already.”

“You owe me nothing.”

“I owe you everything.”

“Silly boy.”  Kissing his cheek, she backed away.  "Off you go, then, only…“  And to his amusement her own face grew pink.  "Give my regards to Treville.”

“Haha!  The infamous Mistress still carries a fancy of her own, does she?”

“Off with you, if you insist on being cheeky!” She swatted at his backside, and Porthos hurried from the room laughing.

When he reached the bottom floor, he called over the young boy who was dusting the parlor.  He switched only a small portion of the payment he carried into his own wallet, before handing the money to the boy.  "Split this between the house’s women and boys, and don’t forget your own share.“  He instructed.

The boy nodded.  "As alway!”  He promised.  "Sir…Mistress was up all night while you were upstairs.  She was terribly morbid.  I thought I even spied her in prayer, but she quickly feigned otherwise when she spotted me.“

"You?  Spotted?”

“Mistress says I’m shooting up like a bean, and in truth, I seem to be too big for my old hiding places.”

“You are growing quite tall at that!  How old are you?”

“Fourteen now and all!”

“What will you be doing when you reach of age?”

“Oh, Mistress has arranged me to join the service.  She said something about if only women could enter, her work would be halved.”

“Our Mistress is the strangest of women, to be sure.  And that’s saying much.”

“Oh, indeed!”

“Keep an eye on Mistress, and send for me if she is distressed at all.”

“Yes, sir.”

The first place Porthos headed after he left the house was a restaurant, for he had not dined at all during his stay at the Mistress’s house - and, as always, was quite hungry.  To his delight, he found his friends already there, and they greeted him with their usual teasing and camaraderie.

“I do believe I hear the sound of gold in your purse.”  D'Artagnan mentioned.

“You do have extraordinary hearing, friend D'Artagnan!  But I confess to the truth of it.”  Porthos said as they resituated themselves to make room for him.  "Yet, who has bought this spread?“

"Aramis, for Athos lost again last night.”

“Again?  In truth, friend, your luck is most wondrously bad!”

“Yours is no better.”  Athos shrugged at the words.

“Ah, not in gambling, but if the rouge on his cheek is to go by, in other matters most certainly.”  Aramis commented.

“Why, and I quite missed that!” D'Artagnan cried.

Porthos seemed confused for a moment while his friends laughed, until he recalled his Mistress’s farewell kiss to his cheek.  'She secretly gives me double the alibi.  She is too good to me.’  He thought.  "Ah, have I missed some sign, then?  Tell me, which cheek?“

"The left!”

“The right!”

“No fair, to tease me!  I’ll look for a mirror.  If Mousqueton was here, the matter would be cleared up instantly, but it is his appointed day and hour for his own time.”

“Oh, rub them both and stay and tell us of your latest conquest.”  D'Artagnan told him.

“Oh, don’t encourage him, we’ll never hear the end of it!”  Athos said sourly, as ever when it came women and romance.

“A hint at least.  Was it the princess?”  Aramis put in.

“Not you as well, Aramis. Is this what our breakfast conversation will consist of?” Athos complained again.

“Ah, I have not been so lucky yet.  It was a woman of business only, but most handsome.”  Porthos replied with complete honesty.

“A poor shop girl who’s no doubt given you all her wages!  You are truly a fiend sometimes, Porthos!” D'Artagnan cried.

“Not at all!  She runs the business, and afforded me quite well.”

“She didn’t feed you well.”  Athos said, his eye astute as ever.

Porthos hesitated, for they rarely remarked on the changes to his mean after his stays at Mistress’s, and for a moment he wasn’t quite certain what to say, and looked down at himself as if to see if Athos spoke the truth.  But, while he had not - as previously stated - a mind for intrigues, strategy, or verses, he excelled in one thing the others didn’t - and that was conversation.  His tongue did not long leave him without excuse.  "Ah, is ever with women who take to business - her cooking is most wanting!  But let me tell you the good thing, and that’s that while their hands, far from idle, are certainly not soft, they are quite strong, and that is almost as good when-!“

"Enough!  You’ll ruin my breakfast.”  Athos broke in.

“Ah, Athos, sometimes you worry me!”  Porthos sighed.

“I don’t disappear for days, only an evening.”

“Ah!  By saying so you admit to worrying for me!  How delightful!”

“I said no such thing!”

“In truth, he was, and only yesterday asked Treville if you’d taken leave.”  Aramis whispered quite loud enough for the whole table to hear.

Athos colored at his words, and sent a scowl his way.  "Oh, indeed, but that may just be because you suggested it!“

"It does a heart good to have such dear friends!”  Porthos cried out.

“Well, we shall not seek you next time for I, at least, have no desire to hear more on the matter of the hands of business women!” Athos declared.

Porthos only laughed at his outburst, and when Aramis and D'Artagnan joined in, Athos himself could not help but give a rare smile at the jest.  The matter quickly turned to what he’d missed while away, his absence dismissed and soon forgotten.

Later that evening, changed into new attire, and giving the clothes he’d worn to Mistress’s to his tailor to alter for Mousqueton, he thought again of that quote he couldn’t quite remember the whole of.

Ever placing himself in the front; loudly spoken and just as loudly dressed, everyone took for granted they knew his secrets, or lack thereof, and therefore looked for none.  Truly the quote was his life personified.

The best place to hide was directly in front.

2013

For some reason, from the first description of Porthos disappearing and returning with money and how he was paler and lost weight, I couldn’t help but think that he was probably whoring himself.  I know, I know - wtf Salmon.  Still, I maintain the clues point to it.

Porthos is said to be without fortune or family.  He’s very strong, and is even called a giant on occasion, but is the most dandy of them all.  If he was doing manual labor, he wouldn’t be paler.  He must have been avoiding food during his time away to be thinner.  And as they go into detail of his exploits with the duchess to get his equipment, I find it strange that they don’t simply say he got coins from seduction if that’s the case.

Though the author keeps saying he’s the most open, the least deceitful, and will tell you his whole life - they don’t explain that said life. We’re explained how every other character would have a sword, and learn fighting. If Porthos truly had nothing then where would he get the money to even have that?  I think the author quite glossed over that point.

While Porthos is proud of his seductions, I think he would hide from them if he occasionally gave sex for money - regardless of whether it was to a man or to a woman.  I make his companion a man because it would most likely have been.  Most women of means at that time would not often have frequented a place like Mistress, they would have kept a lover - as the book plainly says most do.  Therefore, the women who would frequent a place like Mistress would do so in order to have a less…vanilla affair.  In truth, having it simply be a male lover was probably the most innocent of rendezvous he’d have working at a place like Mistress’s.

So, yes, she’s selling people, and even probably very kinky sex, but is a philanthropist.  She regards Porthos as a son, but will still sell him if he asks her, but wants better for him. Hey, I have her say she’s a hypocrite, and Porthos say she’s the strangest of women!  I’m marvelously fond of my creation in her, actually.

Back to Porthos, who’s my favorite musketeer if you couldn’t tell, he is said to not be extremely intelligent, and is occasionally even naive.  So I couldn’t have him being really intelligent and secretive about his history, or how he hid his whoring himself.  So instead he hides right in front, as the quote says.  Because he’s spoken so honestly about his history and so freely about his love live, everybody figures they know everything and don’t dig deeper.  But he could easily have spoken honestly, and still lied in omission.  He has no fortune, he has no family, he received recommendation due to his connection with a woman.  Ect.

I attempted to write it in a style comparable to the style of the original.  Which was actually a very fun exercise.

#the three musketeers fanfiction #the three musketeers fanfic #fanfic #the three musketeers #ocs #headcanons