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clansayeed · 4 years

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Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ― Chapter 1: The Nightmares

PAIRING: Kamilah Sayeed x MC (Nadya Al Jamil) RATING: Mature

⥼ MASTERLIST ⥽

⥼ Bound by Destiny II, part 1 ⥽

While struggling with nightmares of lives she’s never lived, a shadow from the past looming over her city, and the proposed idea that her life may just be a little bit too weird to handle alone, Nadya makes sure to tell herself that everything is perfect just the way it is. If only. When the self-proclaimed King of Vampires (and Maker of her sometimes-girlfriend and always-boss, can’t forget that little tidbit) Gaius Augustine returns intent on claiming Manhattan as the throne that was promised, she and her friends find themselves forced into the task of saving the world. But with millennia-old vampires and an Order of hunters on their heels as well as allies hiding catastrophic secrets at their backs… it won’t be an easy task. Too bad destiny didn’t exactly ask for her input.

Bound by Destiny II and the rest of the Oblivion Bound series is an ongoing dramatic retelling project of the Bloodbound series and spin-off, Nightbound. Find out more [HERE].

*Let me know if you would like to be added to the Destiny II tag list!

⥼ Chapter Summary ⥽

Nadya has a nice job, a gorgeous date-friend, and a calm Feral-free life. But terrifying nightmares keep her from truly enjoying all the things going for her, and the strain of it forces Nadya and her friends to reach a tipping point.

[READ IT ON AO3]

Except for the drawer in the fridge now explicitly labeled ‘BLOOD BAGS ONLY. LILY’S. DON’T TOUCH :)’ (the last part of which is a joke albeit not one Nadya finds very funny) it takes Nadya possibly far too long to realize her life hasn’t really changed all that much since her discovery of vampires.

Well… unless you wanted to count the time she was nearly killed by a bunch of rabid Ferals at a period-attire-required costume ball. Or the time her boss was wrongly convicted of plotting to kill a ton of people for some selfish gains (the details of which she’s still a little fuzzy, and by now asking would just make it uncomfortable). Or when she was one second away from being Evil Vampire Politician food only to be rescued by a Less Evil and Much Older Vampire.

But those weren’t out of the ordinary for someone hurled into this world headfirst and without the pizza that was promised.

Right?

Nadya still goes to work every night and comes home (almost) every day. Though lately with the hours they’ve been pulling she ends up investing in a comfy airplane pillow for quick half-naps at her desk when she can.

She still spends her weekends like a tv sitcom montage of varying positions on the couch while her room mate plays video games and occasionally hacks into bank servers on the side.

She still fumbles over her tongue tied up in a dozen knots every time she sees the gorgeous beauty that is her We’re-Not-Using-Labels-Yet, Kamilah. Though the fact that a 2,000 years-and-then-some vampire babe still finds Nadya’s utter lack of social skills charming in any possible way is a little suspicious.

Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Everything is perfect just the way it is — was — continues to be — will be going forward. Nadya says some version of these facts to herself every day; sometimes out loud and sometimes in her head. Repeats them like a mantra as she goes about her daily routines before and after work. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Everything is perfect just the way it is.

She does this with the hope that one day she just might believe it’s true.

That one day she won’t wake up in the middle of the afternoon screaming her lungs out feeling them torn from her throat that’s still there; scrambling for all ten fingers and all ten toes because some weren’t there a second ago only she doesn’t quite remember how long ago she lost the big toe but it was definitely before the Crimean War; starving with a hunger she can’t describe but she’s sure her friends understand because that’s why Lily (jokingly) put the sticker on her blood drawer the way she did.

Everything is perfect just the way it is. Except when Nadya dreams a thousand lifetimes she’s never lived and so so many of them end with her drowning in innocent blood.

Never has she been more grateful for Lily’s long weekends with her girlfriend, Maricruz, down below the restless New York City streets in the Shadow Den.

Nadya takes long full swallows of tap water in between breaths. Her hand is shaking bad enough to spill but it’s just water and it’s just the bathroom sink and she’ll clean it up later. She should be lucky — just a few minutes ago she lost that hand in a duel against Catherine the Great.

It would have grown back, but still.

THUD. THUD. THU—UD.

Oh great.

“Will you dykes stop screamin’ bloody-freakin’-murder every single god damn day?!” Bellows the ever-delightful upstairs neighbor. Nadya never replies; not even when he storms his stomping feet all the way down the stairwell to pound on her door enraged and miserable.

Still — she only needs one hand to rip out a human’s tongue.

Nadya takes it back the moment she thinks it. Scrambles like she could catch every letter in the air before it floats off to wherever terrible thoughts like that go because they weren’t her thoughts please, please someone believe her.

When she’s showered the sweat from her body, wiped tears from her eyes and wrung the water from her hair Nadya decides, like the masochist she is, to try that sleeping thing again. It’s gonna be a long day at the office if she doesn’t.

And she’d like to think she wars with herself longer than she does — that her decision isn’t already made long before she rummages around in the dark of her blacked out room and plucks her glasses case out from underneath Kamilah’s treasured copy of Hamlet.

But there’s no one around. And these days Nadya can only be honest when she’s alone. Even if it’s only to herself.

She opens the fake leather and feels around for two small pills; spills a bit of water on her sheets because of the shaky hands thing when she knocks them back with the rest of the glass.

She hates it — hates herself for even having considered it in the first place and then some more for actually doing it. But how else is Nadya supposed to hope for some slim chance of mercy and dreamless sleep?

Nadya tries a bit of meditative breathing to pass the time while she waits for the sleeping pills to kick in. Decides maybe now would be a good time to try that mantra of hers.

“Everything…” — inhale; she doesn’t even recognize the sound of her own voice, exhale— “is perfect… just the… just…”

The neighbor resumes his not-so-passive aggressive elephant dance above her head. But Nadya’s weeping so loudly she can barely hear him.

Adrian rests the back of his hand against her forehead lightly. The chill of his touch makes her shiver — and more importantly brings Nadya out of wherever she was that kept her from being there with him.

But Nadya’s relief is short-lived.

“It’s been some time since I’ve had a temperature to feel but I know a fever when I see one.” She tries to wave off his concern like she has every other time, but no dice. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

“‘Cause I’m not.”

“Is that so?”

“Mmmhm…” Though it would probably help if Nadya remembered what she was mmhm-ing about. But her desktop screen-saver hasn’t been updated since Windows 95 so there goes her hopes of pretending.

Adrian isn’t having it. Mindful of her not-tip-top-shape condition he grabs the arms of her desk chair and turns her slowly; his pace painfully careful and full of caution.

Like she doesn’t know the strength he’s capable of. Like she hasn’t felt it under her own skin.

“Nadya — please Nadya look here, look at my finger.”

She remembers the last time he sounded that worried. One of the rare times the things she sees are both from her eyes and not — where she’s both the main character in the story and just another villain. Back at the Musea Sanguis.

When Valdas did this to me, she thinks bitterly.

But Adrian can’t know about that; can’t see her as weaker and more fragile than she already is. So she sits up a little straighter in her chair — pauses Adrian’s efforts at playing doctor because there’s no way she would be able to see the sun with how badly her glasses are smudged from sleep — and dutifully follows the path he traces in the air.

Nadya (with the surprising aid of Kamilah no less) had eventually managed to convince Adrian whatever psychic mind games the strange and impossibly enigmatic vampire had played on her was nothing more than a one-off. He was no less attentive but that’s just who Adrian is; she could accept that.

Kamilah was a different story. She didn’t help downplay the situation to Adrian because she was content to let Nadya deal with everything alone. Back in the Shadow Den, Nadya had confessed the painful truths of her headaches and nightmares. Hoping, praying maybe, that someone with her wealth of experience and knowledge could give a name to her torment.

Only she couldn’t. And Nadya watches her carry the weight of it every single night.

What Kamilah refuses to understand though is that Nadya is just… so tired. She’s tired of the questions and studies and the three PET scans because why not buy an extremely expensive brain imaging machine for the secret lab underneath your financial empire for one single person.

Nadya knows she’s a terrible person for complaining. She knows Kamilah just wants her alive and safe and pain-free.

She’s just so very very tired.

Adrian groans with effort as he stands. Old habits in pretending to be human, he told her once. Not that he needs to — they’re all alone up here. Nadya is convinced he just likes doing it.

“Well doctor,” Nadya teases, “tell it to me straight. Will I live?”

He doesn’t find it nearly as funny.

“If you were feeling overworked you should have told me.”

“I manage constant anxiety — this is kind of just a state of being.”

“Then maybe we should get you properly che—”

“No.”

Which is her biggest mistake; and she’s made quite a few. But no one is so adamant so quickly without looking suspicious. Nadya is no exception.

She tries to backtrack. “I just… I don’t like doctors. Actual doctors — not my boss.”

“I am an actual doctor,” he corrects but it’s offhanded, “and that isn’t the point. You’re a grown woman — I know — and I don’t want to overstep.”

“Then don’t.”

Adrian closes his mouth softly; lets the words die in the back of his throat. Nadya avoids watching as he returns to his office because she knows she won’t be strong enough to keep up the act. Remember, she reminds herself, this is for the best.

It’s to Adrian’s credit when he emerges from his office come the end of the work night with his coat over his arm and a smile on his face. Even if it is a little strained around the edges.

“Ready to head out?” he asks like nothing happened. Like she wasn’t a stone cold witch to him earlier because he made the mistake of caring.

Nadya hesitates. She had already resigned herself to taking the subway home. But rather than make it harder on herself she just nods and gathers up her things; knows he watches her every motion with sharp eyes and preternatural focus even while her back is turned.

If he isn’t convinced of her ruse by the time she joins him at the elevator he doesn’t say anything. Just holds the door open for her and makes chit-chat to fill the silence. Maybe some day she’ll be able to choke out how grateful she is for it.

When Adrian finally pulls up in front of her building, Nadya is practically already halfway out of the car. He stops her with a hand on her arm.

“Is Lily still out?” he asks, but what he means is are you still alone.

Nadya tries not to make it obvious when she shrugs him off.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Adrian.”

“… See you tomorrow, Nadya.”

He doesn’t pull away until she’s in her building and the door is closed behind her.

Later on, in the middle of the day when she wakes from a deep sleep choking on the feeling of blood hot and wet and satisfying running down her throat a small part of Nadya can’t help but blame him.

She shouldn’t… but she’s doing a lot of things she shouldn’t lately.

Kamilah leans back in her chair and mulls over the flavor of the wine. She’s got that face on that Nadya always worries about when they do things like this. Enigmatic; like she has thoughts but they’re probably much harsher than the words she actually says; “It wouldn’t be my first choice to pair with our meal, but it has its merits.”

“You hate it.”

“Did I say that?” Kamilah quirks an eyebrow her way and that look makes Nadya squirm in her seat for ten thousand other reasons; none of which have to do with wine, the amazing fish entree in front of her, or the high-end restaurant in general.

Nadya calms herself with a sip of her own. She’s actually kind of a fan of it. Sure it was the first fruity option on the menu (after Kamilah translated, of course) but that didn’t mean it wasn’t as ritzy as every other bottle on every other table.

“You didn’t have to let me pick.”

“I wanted to see which appealed most to you.”

When Kamilah says things like that, Nadya can’t help but feel like she’s part of some grand experiment. An attempt at seeing how ‘the other half lives’ or something equally ridiculous. “Why?”

Why let me choose something when its obviously wrong?

Like everything she does, Kamilah chooses her answer carefully.

“You did not choose because you knew the brand, nor the label or even the translation of it. You did not choose this particular wine because you had tried it before, or because you hoped it would compliment some aspect of our meal.”

Nadya feels the tips of her ears burning hot and takes another large gulp to calm her nerves. “I picked the first thing I saw, Kamilah. It’s not that deep.”

Then Kamilah surprises her; she smiles. Not something overly brilliant and bright and yearning — but rare in public and rarer still these days.

“On the contrary. I have always known humans were impulsive creatures. But your impulses fascinate me, Nadya,” Her fingertip traces slender around the lip of her wine glass; holds Nadya hypnotic like everything else about her; her voice, her beauty… that striking sincerity.

“More than any other. Perhaps in ways I do not yet know how to articulate.”

At the other end of the restaurant the violinist returns from his break and resumes his melody; long, slow and rich. Like if he put Kamilah herself into song.

Without breaking their eye contact Nadya carefully turns the woman’s hand facing up by the wrist. Kamilah crooks her finger; scrapes just the tip of her nail tentatively over her human pulse point that has to be like a marching band in her supernatural ears.

Heck, Nadya doesn’t even have supernatural hearing and she catches every thump-thump of her own heart clear as day.

It’s so so rare that Kamilah shows this — and for this long. This kind of public affection; scandalous, salacious practically. Not like she hasn’t been constantly stroking the inside of Nadya’s calf with the tip of her boot since they sat down, though.

It had taken Nadya a couple of months (and more than a few evenings of forcing—actually forcing—Adrian to stop working, pull out the scotch, and explain exactly what the heck might be running through Kamilah’s mind for Nadya’s own mental peace) but she understands now.

Kamilah isn’t private because she’s embarrassed of Nadya. No — Kamilah is private because she is greedy for moments like these. She keeps them behind closed because they are for her eyes only; memories for her to brand onto her soul.

Kamilah weaves their hands together gracefully; the silver of Nadya’s charm bracelet curled in a possessive touch.

“Kamilah…” she whispers, and watches as the woman kisses the back of her hand reverently.

“Nadya.”

Only Kamilah can make her name both a warning and a promise.

[TEXT]: I c SOMEONES bed is still made [TEXT]: gedditttttt ;););)

[TEXT]: OMG Lily stop it

Lily takes her sweet time replying. Leaves Nadya waiting… and waiting… and then there’s the sweet sweet nectar of the gods coffee in front of her and there’s even a little bit of cinnamon sprinkled on top and Lily can wait.

The coffee needs her.

She takes the mug in both hands and drinks deeply — of course the brew scalds her tongue but how is it that Gerard can make such a darn good cup of coffee every time?

“Careful now,” says the Englishman while he goes about putting together Kamilah’s usual table setting; paper folded crisp to the financial section, “you’ll spill all over your nice blouse.”

She’ll give him that, actually. But as she brings her mug to her lips his amused smile falters, then vanishes altogether. For an old man who barely sees the sun Nadya didn’t think he could get any more pale until she sees it with her own eyes.

She follows his startled look to the red marks adorned on her wrists. Bracelets of bruises and Nadya herself was a little surprised when she caught sight of them but if memory serves Kamilah had… ahem, tied the scarves a little tighter than usual.

“Oh. Ha. Uh…”

“Oh I don’t think that is any business of mine,” Gerard recovers hastily, “so long as you’re aware of them, I suppose. Though I’d ask for my peace of mind that you ask Lady Kamilah to fix that for you before you leave.”

When the butler’s back is turned, Nadya touches the skin gently. It barely even hurts.

Kamilah joins them shortly after; returns the butler’s “Good evening, Lady Kamilah,” with a nod and the kind of smile she reserves only for him while she sits.

Nadya knows the routine quite well by now. Kamilah exchanges wordless pleasantries, then takes a sip of her espresso. When she’s cleared the first page of the paper’s financial reports she might join in on a conversation, but more often than not simply continues reading.

So it’s safe to say that when Kamilah pushes the paper aside and turns her seat to face Nadya fully it feels like she’s woken up in an episode of The Twilight Zone.

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine.” Nadya smiles… and doesn’t get one back.

“Why didn’t you tell me your nightmares were getting worse?”

The color drains from Nadya’s face. There goes the mood.

Behind them, Gerard makes a point of clearing his throat far louder than necessary. “You know — I think I might have forgotten to grab the laundry tonight.” He quickly rinses off the last of his dishes and takes his leave of them.

Kamilah waits expectantly in silence. She won’t be repeating herself. Only Nadya can’t muster up the courage to even look her in the eyes anymore.

Instead she fiddles with her nails in her lap. “I guess pretending not to know what you’re talking about is out of the question…”

“Astute,” replies the vampire curtly.

“Any chance I could beg for this to happen any other time but now?” But that just gets her a raised eyebrow in reply so, yeah no. And the idea of waiting out the patience of a woman like Kamilah is borderline laughable. Yet Nadya — she just can’t. Like the idea physically has her in knots and the biggest one is on her tongue which she kind of needs to, you know, speak.

“Please,” and she hates how pitiful she sounds; how weak, “please Kamilah can we… can we not ruin this?”

“I don’t grasp your meaning.”

“This. Us, right now. After a really good date and—and a really good night and… the morning or-whatever-after is supposed to be good too and if we start talking about it I just…” I’m going to ruin it like I ruin everything.

Though she’s thrown for a loop when Kamilah reaches out; places a firm palm on Nadya’s knee and waits, permanent and present, until she gets what she wants.

And maybe Nadya gives a little bit too much too easily. “You already know what’s happening. What else do you want me to say?” Yes, of course they’re getting worse. But if she admits that, she can’t pretend any more.

“You may sleep through these night terrors of yours, Nadya, but perhaps it would benefit you to realize it is you alone that does.”

No it doesn’t — it doesn’t benefit her at all. In fact the realization of it makes her queasy. Suddenly Nadya wishes she hadn’t guzzled half of her coffee and daily sugar intake.

“I didn’t mean to…” didn’t mean to choke on my words, “to wake you.”

“I believe you. If you had maybe you would have been honest with me from the beginning.” Kamilah definitely doesn’t miss the way her heart skips a beat; her frown deepens.

“I—I’ve been honest with you…”

“How easily you lie.”

“Okay — okay mostly; I’ve been mostly honest with you.” The more she talks the harder it gets for Nadya to keep the edge out of her tone. She’s not had a restful sleep in weeks, darn it, she’s owed a little snappiness.

Unlike Adrian though, Kamilah doesn’t take kindly to her attitude. She leans back in her seat with one leg over the other and if this is how she treats the people she does business with no wonder she’s one of the most powerful executives in the country.

“And pray tell how am I to fulfill my promise to you with only mostly-truths? How are mostly-truths able to better help me understand your suffering so that somehow I may discover a way to ease it?”

“Maybe because you keeping your promise isn’t my first priority right now.”

“But it is mine.”

“It’s not about you, Kamilah.”

“Isn’t it?”

Nadya grits her teeth. “No. It isn’t. None of this is about you. I’m the one going through it all, not you.”

Her words are bitter at the back of her throat all the way up to the tip of her tongue and beyond. Like something thick and dark and foul that seeps from her pores and just… out.

After a moment Kamilah takes her espresso and sips it idly. It’s something to do with her hands that isn’t harmful, something to do with her mouth that isn’t scolding.

Nadya thinks of a dozen different ways to apologize in the following quiet. One day she might even pluck up the courage to say them.

“What happened?” She asks instead, and watches Kamilah’s reaction. The stiffness of her breaks Nadya’s heart. “You said it yourself; I’m asleep. And I don’t always remember —”

“Last night included.”

She nods. “Last night included. So… please? Please.” Which is far too much begging for someone actually terrified to get their answer.

But she’s a glutton for punishment. That much is crystal clear.

For a moment it looks like Kamilah is ready to walk away; that she’s had enough. Then she changes her mind. It hits Nadya way too late that the woman is shifting in her seat; that she’s uncertain.

“That bad, huh?”

“It is not an incident I wish to repeat.”

“Like I do?” And she totally deserves the glare sent her way. “You know what I mean.”

“You were in immense distress, Nadya!” Kamilah very nearly shouts. Though even that holds her usual husked tone; her inner silence. She doesn’t raise her voice out of rage and that knowledge is scaring the both of them.

What it means is scaring the both of them.

“You tossed and turned and nothing would wake you. My every effort was wasted — I would have had better luck rousing a statue to life! I find myself despairing to think of what it must be like when you sleep alone in your own bed. Without someone to at least try… even if in vain. Without someone to…”

Don’t stop now. She has to hear it; she has to. “Without someone to what, Kamilah?”

“Without someone to hold you down and keep you from hurting yourself.”

Suddenly her wrists are a far less pleasant thing to look at; now that she knows they aren’t bruises of pleasure, but bruises of pain.

Kamilah watches as she rubs at the skin self-consciously. “I meant to heal you before you woke. So that you would not have to see what I resorted to.”

“You held me down hard enough to bruise.”

“And the very sight repels me.” Kamilah tries to take her hands but Nadya can’t help it — she pulls back with an impulse she doesn’t really understand, “When I had tried everything I could think of to no avail… I weighed my options. I would rather you know and understand what these nightmares are doing to you than find yourself unable to wake up at all.”

Unable to wake up at all. Hard words for Nadya to swallow. But they’ve got nothing on the pain Kamilah tries to hide with the long curtain of her hair. Something so strong she can’t push it back beneath the mask.

With a deep breath Nadya rests her wrists turned up in Kamilah’s hands. Rests a lot more in them too — and not even just tonight, right here right now. But it’s Nadya who solves everyone else’s problems — not the other way around. Can she be blamed for holding something back? For trying to keep herself from being vulnerable in the face of such invulnerability?

Slender fingers brush softer than a feather over Nadya’s skin.

“I anticipated… an uglier sight than this.” The vampiress admits and her voice is strained. The very thought is eating her alive.

“Well, it’s not. And, hey — did I hurt you?” She roams her eyes over every visible inch of the woman. Just because she can’t see anything, though, doesn’t mean nothing is there.

Kamilah can’t stand the sight any longer — regardless of lack of pain or noble intent. She holds back on answering Nadya’s question to bring a hand to her parted lips. The barest flash of pearly white, then red beading like a swollen jewel in compliment with her skin.

Kamilah takes great care in easing the blood over and into her skin; like a fine oil or lotion — something to make Nadya beautiful.

Maybe to a vampire this is beautiful.

The bruising heals rapidly before their eyes; holds Nadya captive in a reel on fast-forward that blooms to purpling blue to mottled red to greenish to yellow then poof. Like it never even happened.

Kamilah strokes the result with a tenderness that should be reserved for fine silks and glittering gold. Should be, Nadya thinks, and yet it’s her that gets that affection; that promise.

Who needs impassioned declarations of love when they could have this?

“I know you mean to ask if you somehow managed to injure me physically while you slept. But when I say I was wounded…” she knows Nadya so so well and keeps her from pulling away by lacing their fingers together, “when I say I was wounded, I do so in the hopes that you’ll understand I will no longer accept mostly-truths.”

She’s regretting saying that the more Kamilah repeats it. “I understand.”

“Best that you do.”

Nadya pushes herself into the woman’s arms in a tight embrace; buries her face into the coolness of her neck and it jostles Nadya’s glasses askew but she couldn’t care less. If she had looked at Kamilah for one more moment she would have broken down.

All this and they still don’t have any answers. They just have more questions and more symptoms and… and more resolve, maybe. But it’s not something they can solve in one night.

And just because Nadya doesn’t remember anything clear from her nightmares doesn’t mean they don’t linger. Something of a shadow in the corner of her eye when she looks in the mirror.

Maybe its time she forces that shadow into the light.

#bloodbound #kamilah x mc #kamilah sayeed #bloodbound fanfiction #playchoices fanfiction #fic: oblivion bound #oblv: bound by destiny ii #oblv: new chapter #bloodbound mc #mc: nadya al jamil #adrian raines #lily spencer #; my fics

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fallingin-like · 5 years

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november 19

tenuous by undertow

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is one of my favourite fics in the fandom. it has DID!neil and features a really great relationship between him and aaron, and him and andrew. i love their style of writing. please read this fic

I want to start and just say that this is one of my favourite fics, and by far one of my most-reread fics. i love so many parts of it, but most of all i love the tone of this fic. it shapes all the sentences and gives it something that makes it so special. it makes me feel something and i love this glimpse of a softer neil who really is trying his best.

parts that stood out to me:

”he considers this. this week has been full of nightmares… and it’s making the lines blur, part of him terrified and the other parts struggling to control it. ‘neil,’ he decides. he’s too anxious to be anyone else.” i really like this because it does a great job of introducing the idea of neil’s different identities, but, more importantly i think, how similar they are. because really, they all originated from the same person and likely share traits and emotions. the idea of the transition between identities being blurry and motivated by his fear and trying to protect himself is well explained. you also are able to establish some of the main characteristics of neil.

”he keeps waiting for her to sound like she doesn’t believe him, for her to tell him that he’s lying for attention, but she hasn’t yet” i think this is really interesting because we really don’t see much interaction between betsy and neil in the series. i like that, even though you imply they have an ongoing relationship (aka that this isn’t one of the first few meetings) you still communicate neil’s underlying wariness of her, of his tendency to always expect the worst of people

”last time she saw him was two weeks ago; last week it had been nate sitting in the chair, sullen and mostly silent” this does a good job in showing that while these are both still ‘neil’ (as in, his body), they are still considered to be two different people. it’s always interesting for me to see how DID is portrayed in different stories, and i like that neil has an understanding of what happened while nate was ‘in charge’ (for lack of a better word)

”she has a cup of hot chocolate in front of her, probably from her previous session” anDREW??

”his skin crawls at the admission. he’s trying to get better at telling the trust, but it makes him feel-exposed, like he’s offering his head on the chopping block.” i love the way that you describe this. it gives me a great look into neil’s perspective and also i am immediately so interesting in learning about what his childhood was like, how similar it was to canon, how ingrained lying is in compared to in the books.

”that’s why his uncle is forcing him to go to therapy, he guesses” woohoo! for some reason i really enjoy fics where stuart takes care of neil

”’he lives with his brother,’ he says, slowly, trying to pick out how he feels. ‘i haven’t-i haven’t interacted with him much. so i’m nervous about that.” okay so i don’t know why, but i like this sentence. something about the wording that you use feels so right, i can so clearly hear the way that neil is saying this. i like the way that you break up what he says. that, and the short sentences changes how i read this dialogue in a good way

neil recognizing right away that andrew is not aaron? amazing! what were andrew’s thoughts when this happened? it seems that he is at least interested enough to not immediately scare neil away (although i’m not sure if neil can be scared away)

”he shrugs, a bare twitch of his shoulders. he doesn’t know when he stopped tapping his thigh, but he starts up again, still looking at the figurines. ‘i just. don’t know what to expect.’” and also the bit on neil’s reaction to betsy suggesting that he ask aaron what to expect. i really like these lines because they feel so real. the dialogue feels so natural

”betsy’s voice remains gentle as she persists; she has learned that although he appreciates firmness in his friends, his therapist is an entirely different matter” ooh this is great. i like that neil has so much self-awareness in this fic

”the bee on the shelf is nearly translucent; he can see through it into the dark stain of the wood. he splays his hands across his thighs, hard, the curves of his fingers lifting off his jeans. ‘yeah,’ he whispers. he becomes aware of a creeping heat around his jaw and ears, a weakness around his upper arms.” okay so this is one of the paragraphs that is really memorable to me. i think it’s because i really understand how neil is feeling. the focus on the bee, the awareness of heat and what his hands are doing, the fact that he whispers in response.

”he likes that she knows when to stop pushing. he likes that she remains patient with him, although he rarely stays stays for the entire session and talks tiltedly about his past. he sinks into his chair and nods.” i think this is probably the reason that he has been able to continue going to therapy (other than stuart forcing him) because on some level, he knows that betsy will be respectful of him and that he can trust her.

”he lets out a breath and glances away; he had been hoping that he would be able to leave without speaking up agian. ‘uh,’ he says, and stops. it takes him a moment to remember what she had been talking about.” oh. this is something that happens to me so often

”[andrew] flicks his fingers at neil as he passes by, carefully skirting around him. it might be a shoo. it might be a hello.” ahh!! this is really cute. although neil might not realise it, i think it’s telling that andrew even acknowledges neil outside of their usual cafeteria interaction

”he represses the urge with a shudder, unsure of the reason for the impulse” woah i really like this.

okay i don’t want to copy down all of it, but this interaction between andrew and neil in the cafeteria is so amazing. it’s in all the little things, neil grabbing a fork instead of a spoon, andrew cutting his pizza, “‘granola bars,’ andrew repeats flatly”, neil’s memory of the tacos. but most of all i love the part about the brownies, and how the intentionality of them changes everything, how it feels like a shift in their relationship. these boys are so interesting because they’re so intentional with everything that they do, to other people this gift would not be quite as significant. i love the way that you write andrew and his mannerisms. “that makes andrew pause; the scraping of his knife stops, then begins again”, “andrew says slowly, each word deliberate”,

”he chews another strawberry and licks at the bit of yogurt that had smeared across his lip, kisses it off his thumb” ahh this little detail is one of many that really adds to the fic. it’s not necessary, not really, but it changes something. makes it better. i am able to picture the scene so much more clearly when i see these little things that are happening during this conversation.

”he’s good at picking up languages, finds school-taught spanish to be challenging but not impossible, not after learning two languages through immersion and terror” ah i love this, i think a lot of fics write neil as just having a natural affinity for languages, and while that may be true, i think that a lot of it is due to the immense amount of pressure he must have been under to become fluent.

this scene is great because it’s our first real glance into seeing neil and aaron together (and katelyn and marissa). you do an amazing job at establishing the easy relationship that they have, complaining about homework together, and helping each other out. the familiarity of them is shown through the coffee orders, the way that they all just invite themselves over to neil’s place and he lets them

”’andrew drinks whiskey?’ neil asks. it’s the only thing that catches his attention. whiskey, from what he remembers, smells like rubbing alcohol and burns like ice on its way down” okay first, so so cute to hear about neil’s interest in andrew and how he associates him with smoke and chocolate. second, neil, you walking tragedy, i bet you only have had whiskey as a way to dull pain and clean wounds

”aaron flicks his gaze toward him, a little surprised by the interest” i like that you used flicks! no idea why, but i like it!

LOL AARON TALKING TO NEIL IN BAD SPANISH BECAUSE HE WANTS TO TALK WITHOUT ANDREW LISTENING IN. i love that we really get to see Neil Oblivious Josten at full force here. ahh i like so many sentences in this scene, i just can’t explain why. your writing is just so easy and wonderful to read.

boo! so precious, i love her so much.

andrew! picking up food for neil! ahhh it’s so cute and it’s really in tune with the way that andrew shows his care

”’yeah,’ he echoes, swallowing the taste. ‘no syrup’” woah this is so lovely

”(he still glances up when andrew crosses into the living room again, and if his gaze lingers because andrew is eating one of the marbled brownies-well. neither of the twins are looking at him, anyway.)” i really really appreciate the use of parentheses here and the tone that it helps create

”neil doesn’t feel up to shrugging, yet, so he looks at andrew for a moment longer before closing his eyes and tilting his head against the back of the couch.” ahh okay this, and the parts before just on neil’s kind of dissociation is really familiar to me. you do a great job of describing it, putting words to something i have only ever felt before

”the sink turns on; water smacks against the bottom of its metallic basin. it feels-well. it just feels” OKAY THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART OF THE WHOLE FIC. which. i know is kind of weird, but i think of these sentences so so often. the last two sentences resonates with me so much, the description of the water is so vivid, i can hear it so clearly in my mind.

”aaron curls two fingers around the back of neil’s shin and pulls it forward, and neil follows the movement, stretching his legs into aaron’s lap. aaron keeps his hand on neil’s ankle, below the rolled-up hem of his sweatpants” ahh it’s so nice to see these casual displays of affection between aaron and neil, it really shows how close they are, especially given both their childhoods

“the bed-sharing is something that makes neil feel safe because it reminds him of his mother, who had spent sixteen years trying to keep him alive, and nate is-well, he is not entirely his father’s son, but he is very much not his mother’s” you do a really good job of explaining the differences between neil and nate and why they exist and i’m curious as to what nathaniel is like. ruthless, i would guess, and cruel.

”andrew huffs in what could be a laugh or what could be derision. ‘and you calling aaron the street is meant to be you asking nicely?’ ‘yes,’ neil says, unperturbed. ‘it’s all in the tone.’” the dynamic that you have between andrew and neil is so well established

ANDREW AND NEIL AND THE CIGARETTE honestly it kills me each time i read this part, everything that andrew does is so deliberate and well thought out, at least on the outside. i’d love to see what he’s thinking

”he is no longer thinking about his mother. he is thinking about andrew” AHHHH

”another two cars pass through the street in the time that it takes for the cigarette to burn down to his fingertips. one of the cars is from this house” there’s this sense of detachment that fits the tone of the writing and the way you write the characters so well. it matches the kind of

”what’s up with you and my brother? aaron had asked two days ago in his kitchen, and neil realizes, with a kind of dizzy swoop in his stomach, that if aaron asks him again, he might have a different answer” oh my goodness what a wonderful way to end this fic.

i love the idea of aaron and neil having a friendship like this, the easy relationship that they have. i wonder, how much does neil know about tilda and how much does aaron know about mary? they’re so similar in certain ways and i love that you explore how this brings them together, instead of breaking them apart. and andrew in the middle of this all. it’s always interesting when aaron does the protecting. we know he’s capable of it in canon, with drake and everything, but this feels different. softer.

i’m always interested in neil with DID, it seems like exactly the kind of coping mechanism that he could have fallen upon, because we all know that Neil I’m Fine Josten is really the expert in repression. i’d love to see more of this, especially a scene where andrew has a chance to meet nate. i’d be curious what his reaction to that would be, without thinking too much, i would say he would be suspicious or feel threatened?, but when i think about it more, i’m unsure. they’ve shared so many lunches together, andrew knows that neil would never hurt aaron. but i guess, nate is not neil.

oh and i love your aro/ace neil. this representation is so important, and it always makes me feel good when it’s included.

the way that you write is so immersive, i feel like i’m actually there with the characters, and everything else kind of fades away. your characterization is wonderful and i love the way you describe everything. i would love to see another part to this series, if you are still working on it. i keep coming back to this fic and each time i do, i fall in love with it, over and over and over. thank you so much for writing this!!

#tenuous #aftg fic review #raelle writes

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robininthelabyrinth · 5 years

Text

Fic: An Internal Affair - Chapter 8 (Ao3 link)

Fandom: The Flash Pairing: Leonard Snart/Barry Allen

Summary: Leonard Snart, the CCPD Captain of Internal Affairs, is known as Captain Cold for a very good reason: He hates corrupt cops with a merciless vengeance, and once you’re on his list, you’re in serious trouble.

His next target?

A CCPD lab tech named Barry Allen who’s developed a suspicious habit of disappearing at random intervals.

—————————————————————————————————

Barry's got hearts in his eyes, a song on his lips, and he feels like he could fly.

Not literally, which is a good thing - he can run up sheer building faces if he builds up enough speed, apparently, but flying is still out of the question at the moment, though Cisco, while musing, said something mildly terrifying about the possibility of creating lift using Barry's legs to make a cyclone - but just, you know, metaphorically.

Okay, yes, his life still sucks in basically every way: Captain Cold is still at large and gunning for both of Barry's personas, Iris is still on the new task force (officially, it's supposed to be an investigative and analytical unit dealing in unusual phenomena in Central, but given its new precinct nickname as the Anti-Flash Task Force, Barry's got his doubts), the Man in Yellow is still out there and Barry's no closer to either catching him or proving his dad's innocence, Barry's still having a crisis of conscience over whether what he's doing as the Flash is the right thing to do or not...

But!

His date with Len was - amazing.

Barry's never connected so easily with someone. They talked about - everything. His dad, Iris - Len was so understanding about what Barry was going through, and he opened up, too, about his best friend and his complicated relationship with his sister...

They even root for the same sports teams!

(Okay, Central City only has the ones, but whatever, it's nice to commiserate with someone who understands the sheer euphoric misery of rooting for the worst team in the league...)

Seriously, that might have been the best date of Barry's life, and he's still not sure if Len wants to be more-than-friends or just keep it platonic.

Barry knows which one he'd prefer.

God, he's still not over how absolutely it was. Barry actually had the chance to talk about Iris, really talked about her instead of lying about the depth of his feelings about her, and instead of being repelled, Len understood.

"She's your anchor," Len told him, a small, fond smirk curling his lips. "Someone fundamental. Someone necessary for you to be you. I get that."

For Len, his first anchor had been his sister. He'd practically raised her; she'd been the center of his world for a long time. Only after she grew up did he make a conscious effort to distance himself - for her own benefit, he said wistfully, to make sure she had the room to spread her wings and fly - but Barry can tell that Len still cares for her deeply.

Just like he cares for his best friend, Mick. That's the one in the hospital, following the incident that Len didn't want to talk about – if Barry's theories about Len's history were right, probably the criminal job gone wrong that ultimately inspired Len to get out of the business and go straight, though of course it could be anything. Len made it very clear that while they were purely platonic, he considered his relationship with Mick to be as important as any other relationship in his life, and that he wouldn't sacrifice it for anything, not even while Mick stayed in the coma.

Barry gets that. He totally gets it, really - it's the same way with him and Iris. Sure, he's also in love with her, but he knows by now that barring something horrific happening that he would never wish on anyone, much less his best friend, he's probably not going to be with her, and, well, he's learning to be okay with that. But even accepting that, in no universe can he imagine a life without Iris, a world where she isn't his best friend and a part of his life.

Maybe that's why Barry empathizes with Len so strongly over his situation.

God, it's just occurring to him that Iris was in Len's exact situation - Barry in a coma for nine months, with no idea if he'd ever wake up...

No wonder her bond with Eddie is so strong. He was there for her when she really needed someone.

Yeah, Barry's - no, saying he's okay with it is a lie, but he thinks he's starting to really see a path forward.

That path doesn't lead to the house he'd always dreamed he'd live in, with Iris and their kids calling him Dad and complaining about their day as they settle down to dinner, no, but maybe to something near that: an apartment down the street from Iris' house, swinging by in the afternoon to cries of "Uncle Barry!", Eddie and Iris beckoning him into the living room for homemade smoothies and neighborhood gossip, Eddie looking at Iris with pride and love in his eyes when he thinks she's not looking and Barry watching them both, his heart full, not of jealousy, but of pride and joy that they're letting him be involved...

A pair of hands falling onto his shoulders from behind, a charming smile and a habitually insincere apology about running late after getting caught up at work as Len leans down and presses his lips to Barry's cheek -

Whoa, there, Barry tells himself firmly. Definitely getting ahead of myself there.

Pretty nice to daydream about, though...

"I bet we get another postponement," Detective Lloyd groans in Barry's ear. "What a waste!"

Barry twitches, knocked out of his cheerful musings.

Right.

He's technically at work.

Only technically, though - he's at court to testify about one of the crime scenes he examined and the results of the tests he conducted, including the one that led to the defendant's arrest on numerous charges. It isn't Barry's favorite part of his job - far from it - but it's necessary, and he doesn't mind it.

Besides, if he's finished all of his currently ongoing projects by the time court starts, he gets whatever remains of the day after the court hearing off of work without using up any of his (rapidly dwindling) vacation time.

"I think there's a chance we'll be heard today," Barry says encouragingly to the man. He’s not exactly thrilled to be stuck here with Detective Walter Lloyd, the investigating detective assigned to the same case, but it could be worse. They've been on the same case team a few times, Barry and Detective Lloyd - he'd made it clear that they weren't close enough for Barry to get to use 'Walter', but other than that, Barry thought they worked pretty decently together. Lloyd never questioned Barry's results and even sometimes took Barry's suggestions.

Of course, he has a bad habit of always asking Barry to get him his coffee...

"Yeah, maybe," Detective Lloyd says skeptically. "I bet the perp's lawyers are doing this on purpose, getting us called in and then making a whole bunch of motions so we're just stuck out here, waiting..."

"I'm sure that's not it."

"Shows what you know. Hey, were you planning on getting something from the canteen?"

"I wasn't, actually," Barry says, but he's already resigned.

"Great! Could you get me a coffee? Two sugars, no milk. You're a real pal; I'm dying here."

Barry really wants to tell him to go to hell, but he is getting a bit restless. Might as well go to the canteen.

Maybe Iris' occasional accusation that Barry's a bit of a pushover has a tiny little bit of merit...

Barry's already gone down the stairs and is halfway down the hall when he hears it.

Someone's talking about the Streak in one of the courtrooms!

It must be a hearing related to one of the people Barry caught during one of his earlier exploits, he guesses. He can't resist slipping in through the door to listen, wondering what they're saying about him.

Maybe this will help Barry with his moral crisis regarding what to do about the Anti-Flash Task Force, which has only gotten worse.

Once Joe stopped being ridiculous and trying to forbid Iris from getting involved with the task force at all without explaining why (a futile attempt that only served to piss her off more), he announced that they needed to get Eddie to start feeding Team Flash information from the Force so they could start throwing them off the scent at once. Wells agreed, pointing out that this Force could represent a real threat to Barry's ability to protect the city as the Flash.

Barry expressed his concern - that this was the good intentioned path to corruption - but both Joe and Wells thought he was being unreasonable.

Barry doesn't trust Joe's opinion when he's on a West family warpath, though, and he's still conflicted. Some solid evidence of the good that he's doing would be a great way to reaffirm that he's doing the right thing...

"- in fact, your Honor, not a single policeman can testify to having seen my client committing any crime whatsoever," the lawyer standing before the bar is saying.

The judge is frowning at him. "Are you actually saying that the case against the defendant should be dismissed for lack of, what, eyewitness evidence?"

Yeah, that's totally not going to work - Barry doesn't need to be a lawyer to know that. Most cases these days get proven by circumstantial evidence, not direct eyewitness testimony.

"No, your Honor, not at all," the lawyer says politely. "This is a question of evidence, and whether the State has sufficient grounds to even bring these charges. This case isn't just circumstantial - it's a fabrication! My client and his associates were not arrested in the midst of committing a crime, as the prosecution suggests; on the contrary, every policeman here will testify that the first time they saw my client and his associates was when they appeared, sitting on the ground, in the front hall of the police station."

Oh, Barry remembers this one: they'd been trying to rob a jewelry store when he'd nabbed them.

"And what of the suggestion by the prosecution that your client was brought to the police station specifically to prevent him from committing the crime in question?" the judge asks.

"As I stated earlier, your Honor, the only facts that are accepted are that my client appeared in the police station as the victim of an assault by this so-called Streak," the lawyer says.

What?!

"It was only because he appeared at the station that the police even began investigating my client's activity. There is more than mere reasonable doubt as to what they supposedly 'found' here," the lawyer continues. "This is nothing more than the police sweeping their own incompetence under the rug -"

What?!

"I don't think we need to go that far," the judge says. "On what grounds are you making your motion to dismiss?"

"An illicit search and a violation of the chain of custody for any relevant evidence," the lawyer replies promptly. "Any evidence obtained against my client was unlawfully obtained - the police only began their investigations once my client was in custody. It's all fruit of the poisoned tree."

No, seriously, what the fuck?! Is this lawyer actually trying to get those robbers off the hook by saying that Barry's involvement, what, separated the criminals from the evidence of their crimes so that no one could be sure they were actually committing the crime?!

"I see," the judge says. "An interesting point. What's the prosecution's response?"

Holy crap, is it working?

The prosecutor gets up. "Your Honor, my esteemed colleague has gotten the law of this state exactly backwards," she says. "While it is true that the investigation began after Mr. Daughtry appeared at the police station, that does not render the later-discovered evidence, including the videotapes from the jewelry store showing Mr. Daughtry breaking the lock on the door, videotapes that were obtained pursuant to a lawful warrant, into fruit of the poisoned tree. In fact, as this Court held in Martinez v. State ex rel Gonzalez -"

Barry ducks back out of the courtroom, his good mood well and truly ruined.

He literally caught those guys mid-heist, and they're blaming him for stopping them? Would they have preferred that he wait for them to finish robbing the place first? What a stupid argument!

Ugh.

Lawyers.

Maybe he should look into getting a lawyer's advice as to what would be the best way to keep the chain of custody intact so as not to ruin the evidence for the prosecution of the people he stops...without revealing himself as the Flash. Somehow.

Being a superhero is a lot trickier than Barry originally thought. Justice doesn't end when you've defeated the bad guy, after all.

Ugh, this doesn't help Barry's crisis at all. He'll have to be more careful going forward, obviously, and think more about what he's doing, but that doesn't necessarily mean he should stop or anything. After all, those guys were robbing that store, and the prosecution has video evidence to prove it. Barry's pretty confident the lawyer's argument, however clever, isn't going to fly.

But interfering with an active investigation the way Joe and Professor Wells are suggesting...?

If anyone found out they were doing that, wouldn't that just undermine any future arrests Barry contributes to as the Flash? But, on the other hand, if he gets caught, there won't be anyone to stop the metas, so surely keeping himself free should be the top priority – between saving people from real imminent danger vs. getting the bad guys put away for good, the former is vastly more important.

Clearly Barry needs to keep going.

And yet - where does he draw the line between doing good as the Flash and doing bad things in support of that? Where does it stop being the right thing to do?

What if this is where it starts? A justified, justifiable little thing. And where it ends is - well.

Ralph Dibny.

Barry needs to figure this out. And fast.

And for that, unfortunately, he's going to need help – help straight from the source.

"Where'd you go to get the coffee?" Lloyd complains when he sees Barry coming back. "South America?"

"Uh," Barry says. He'd totally forgotten to get the coffee. "They were - out."

"Typical," Lloyd sighs. "Anyway, one of the jurors got sick, and we got postponed. I told you it'd happen."

"You said it'd be the defense -"

"Whatever. I'm going back to the office; you want a lift?"

"Uh, no, I'm taking the rest of the day off -"

"Right, testifying perk for staff. Doing anything fun?"

"No," Barry says grimly. "Not really."

Barry hasn't exactly kept track of Dibny's whereabouts or anything, but a simple Google search is enough to find a - well, pretty awful and horrifically tacky website advertising the services of Ralph Dibny, Private Investigator, and on the website there's the address of a sketchy downtown office building.

Barry can't believe he's doing this.

Before he can talk himself out of it, though, he zips over to the right address, goes upstairs and knocks at the door with Dibny’s name on it.

"Come in!"

Barry goes in.

It's a ratty little office with Dibny sitting in a chair turned away from the entranceway, facing the window instead of the door.

Weird.

"Welcome to my humble office," Dibny announces in a grandiose manner. "Don't let its appearance mislead you, for I - I am the solution to all of your hopes and dreams and -"

He starts to spin his chair around slowly.

"...oh. It's you." Dibny scowls, dropping the act and spinning the rest of the way around at normal speed. "Barry Allen. What the hell are you of all people doing here?"

Barry's shoulders go straight up to his ears. God, he hates Dibny so much. "What was with that - spin thing, anyway?" he asks instead, because that was weird.

"It's impressive! For the ladies." Dibny's scowl deepens. "I was hoping you were a hot chick."

"Get a lot of those here?" Barry snipes, unable to help himself.

"Don't get a lot of backstabbing cop wannabes, either," Dibny sneers.

"Backstabbing?!"

"Oh, please tell me you've come crawling for my help," Dibny continues. "Because man, turning you down would make my month -"

"What the hell are you on, backstabbing?" Barry demands. He doesn't even care about the 'wannabe' part of it, cops always imagine that everyone not on the beat longs to be, but backstabbing? "What are you talking about? You broke the law! You! That's all on you!"

"You were the one who turned me in!"

"Yeah, I did, because you broke the law. You tried to frame someone!"

"Oh, so what?" Dibny snaps. "We all knew he was guilty -"

"That doesn't give you the right to fake evidence -"

"I was pursuing justice for that poor murdered woman -"

"Oh, bullshit! You didn't care about her. You don’t even remember her name! You just wanted everyone fawning over you for getting the collar -"

"So? That's a reasonable thing to want. There's nothing to say that I can't have them both, is there?"

"Ugh, I can't believe I ever came here," Barry says, scowling. "I must have lost my mind."

He turns to go.

"No, wait!"

Barry pauses and glances back at Dibny, who eels out of his chair and around to the front his desk.

"You came all this way," Dibny says. "You might as well sit down and talk a bit."

He gestures at the empty chair near Barry.

Barry's pretty sure Dibny just wants an excuse to rub this whole thing in Barry's face.

But he does want those answers...

Reluctantly, he steps back away from the door and towards the chair.

"Great!" Dibny says, popping himself onto the desk. He uses the opportunity to shove a folder on his desk underneath his computer, like Barry would even care what sort of stupid cases he’s working on. "No harm in a bit of talking, am I right?"

"I can think of plenty of harm," Barry shoots back. "Mostly to my ears."

"Hey, remember, you're the one who came to me," Dibny points out.

Sadly, he's got a point.

"And speaking of which, what does bring an upstanding member of the CCPD down to my oh-so-humble abode? Got a job you need little old me for?"

"As if," Barry scoffs. Literally never going to happen.

Dibny grits his teeth. “Okay, fine, not a job – you here about the mayor or something?”

“What? No. What does the mayor have to do with anything?”

“He doesn’t,” Dibny says, like that makes any sense. “So it’s information you want, then. You want me to mine my contacts for information -"

"You have contacts? You?" Barry asks. He knows he should stop being a dick, but Dibny makes it so very difficult. "What do you pay them with, birdseed?"

"Hey, I have plenty of contacts," Dibny protests. "And I'll have you know, some of them pay me. A lot, too! I've got all sorts of valuable intel from my time on the force, all the old office gossip, the secret stuff most people don't know - not that you'd know anything about that, you being an antisocial weirdo and all."

"I am not an antisocial weirdo!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not - you know what, this is stupid."

Dibny coughs. "Maybe a bit, yeah. Seriously, though, what do you want? You didn't exactly leave me in a position where I can turn down work." He sounds bitter. "But it damn well better be paying work, Allen, or are you wasting my time?"

"I just want to ask you a few questions," Barry protests.

"I charge by the hour."

"Ugh, fine, whatever. Answer my questions and I'll pay for, like, the fifteen minutes of your time it's going to take."

"For you, Allen? You pay two hours, whether or not we use them."

"No way. Half-hour, max."

"Hour and a half."

"One hour."

"Fine."

"Deal. And you'd better not try to inflate your prices," Barry warns. "I know what you charge; it's on your website."

"Fine, whatever. Cash first."

Barry pulls out some money and tosses it on the desk.

It disappears.

"Okay, fine," Dibny says. "What do you want to know?"

Barry hesitates.

"Listen, ask or don't ask," Dibny says. "I don't care, I've gotten paid either way."

He's such a jackass.

"Why'd you do it?" Barry asks. Then, as Dibny frowns in confuses, adds, "The thing with the knife. Planting evidence."

Dibny looks surprised. "What, that? You already know, don't you? You said it yourself earlier on - I was trying to solve the case."

"I know that much," Barry says impatiently. "But - you couldn't have just woken up one day and decided that was the way to do it, right? You know the rules as well as I do -"

"Maybe not quite as well as you do," Dibny mutters. "Brownnoser."

"- and you knew what you were doing was wrong. So why'd you do it?"

"Because there was no other way to get the guy," Dibny says, like it's obvious. "We exhausted everything else."

"It was still wrong," Barry says. "You broke the law."

"It was getting a criminal off the streets -" Dibny says.

"By becoming one yourself!"

"Oh, grow up, Allen. It's not like fudging a bit of evidence is the same as murdering someone. Besides, I'm a cop - I was a cop. Are you really saying that a cop and an asshole that probably murdered his wife are the same?"

"I'm saying that it's a small step down the same road," Barry says. "If you're cutting corners to get someone off the streets, who's to say you might not decide to shoot someone instead of going to the trouble of arresting them?"

Dibny shrugs, callous as ever. "Maybe for some people that’s how it goes, but not me. I was a cop! A good cop! And I knew this guy was guilty!"

"Just because you believe something doesn't make you right! What if you were wrong, huh? What if he was innocent, and you planting the evidence sent him to prison for a crime he didn't commit? You're not infallible, and you don't get to ignore the laws just because you're a cop. If anything, you're supposed to hold yourself to a higher standard - and you didn't."

"Damnit, Allen, you make it sound like I was actively committing felonies while on the payroll or something. It's not like I was a cop on the Family payroll or anything; we all know who those assholes are and they're freaking untouchable."

Ugh, Dibny sounds almost wistful.

"The department likes to know who the Family leaks are," Barry says, rolling his eyes. He doesn't like it, no one does, but there's no real way to avoid it. "It's not the same thing; no one ever lets them onto anything actually secretive. Besides, it's not like you weren't friends with some of those guys!"

"They were coworkers! It made sense to be friendly with everyone in the department - still does, since it’s the cops I was friendly with who are the only ones with enough compassion to toss me cases when they're available. They know what it's like to need help when money runs tight."

Of course. Barry should've known; it all comes down to money for Dibny.

Or at least, it does now. It hadn't back then.

"It wasn't about money, though, the knife," Barry says, getting back to his point. "You made a decision."

"I made a mistake," Dibny says. "And you took every inch of it out of my ass. Why are you so obsessed about this, anyway?" He grins, wide and malicious. "Thinking about doing some planting yourself?"

"No!" Barry exclaims.

"Oooh, that was quick on the draw - is that guilt I hear? Is pure, perfect Barry Allen - no, you wouldn't. Not you. But maybe someone else - someone you're thinking of covering for...?"

Dibny's eyes glitter like beetles.

"You're disgusting," Barry tells him, scowling. "I have no idea why I thought you might have ever had a sense of morality or that you struggled with the decision or anything -"

"Hey, that's not fair," Dibny protests. "I struggled. I thought about it. But there wasn't any other way, that's all."

"But planting evidence isn't an acceptable way," Barry says, frustrated. "It was better to let him go than to get him the wrong way – they did an informal double check of all your cases, you know, because of that, and the only reason they didn’t officially reopen the whole lot of them was because you quit."

"Because of you."

"Because of you - what you did..." Barry trails off, realizing. "You really just don't get it, do you? You got so good at convincing yourself that it was the right thing to do that you can't bring yourself to admit that you were wrong."

Dibny crosses his arms, glaring. "Oh, whatever, Allen. No one asked for your little pop psychology. Anyway, you haven't told why you want to know."

"Trying to get insight into a case," Barry lies. "That's all."

"A corruption case?" Dibny asks, suddenly looking somewhat concerned. His fingers start playing with the edge of the file he shoved under his desk. "What type? Like - another cop, like me? Or we talking more like blackmailing, bribery, that sort of thing? With whom? Some public official in particular?"

Barry rolls his eyes. Dibny’s probably worried that one of his private investigator cases might get preempted by a real investigation. "You know I can't discuss active cases -"

"With anyone outside the precinct, I know, I know. I used to be a cop, I know the deal. But that's why you can trust me - I'm not about to squeal!"

"Yeah, right," Barry says. "You literally just told me that you exchange information as a business."

"Not about active cases," Dibny says. "Only old stuff, you know, old cases that never got solved or cops that used to be on payroll or stupid shit like that."

"Dibny, even if I was the sort of person who’d tell you stuff about an active case, you also hate me personally and would take any opportunity to throw me under the bus," Barry points out.

"...yeah, fair point." Dibny shrugs. “Is that it, then?”

Barry snorts. "Yeah, that’s it," he says. "Anyway, thanks."

Dibny shrugs a second time, looking somewhat bemused. "Any time, I guess."

Barry goes to the door and opens it.

Then he immediately closes it again.

"What?" Dibny asks.

"Shhhh!" Barry hisses. "There are two Family thugs in your corridor!"

They're immediately recognizable - the dark suits, the swagger, the prison tattoos on their wrists and the Family mark on their necks.

God, Barry hates the Families.

"This isn't exactly a great part of town," Dibny sniffs. "I'm not exactly able to be picky about my neighbors." Still, he hesitates. "Uh, what Family?"

"What? Isn’t there a set territory –”

“I don’t know whose territory this is, Allen! What do they look like?”

“Santinis, I think. Blood sworn."

"Shit," Dibny says. "Probably here for protection stuff, then - oh, not me, Allen, don't look so horrified; I'm much too small fry for them to bother with me."

"Then who? We should -"

"Do nothing," Dibny says firmly. "No one will thank you for it and you know it."

Damnit, but Barry does know it.

As the Flash, sure, he could do something, but - what? It might technically be a crime to belong to a racketeering organization like the Families, but only if you can prove that they've done something. There's no point in dropping these thugs off in the CCPD HQ; they'd be back on the street within the hour, and the Flash would have to tackle mob problems for the rest of his life.

Not ideal.

Barry's definitely not prepared to fight the Families.

"I'll report it to Organized Crime," he decides.

"Like that'll do anything," Dibny snorts. "Oh, hey, say hi to Garry and Willy for me if you do, though."

Barry rolls his eyes. "Sightings are still important to report," he says. "You never know when it might be helpful. And you say hi to them yourself if you want; I'm not going to."

"You're no use to anyone at all, are you, Allen?" Dibny says, rolling his eyes back in an exaggerated fashion. "All high and mighty and self-righteous, and not a shred of sympathy for those you leave in the dust."

"Oh, I've got plenty of sympathy," Barry says, glancing around the dirty little office. Dibny had been a pretty good cop; he deserves better than this. But his own choices have brought him here. Besides, it isn't as though he was convicted or anything, merely fired and informally blackballed; there's nothing stopping him from getting a security job or even switching to another career entirely instead of spending over two years building up a stupid private investigator practice. "But not enough for you to manipulate me with, which I think is your real complaint."

He glances out the door. The Family guys are gone.

"Right," Barry says. "That's all I have. Thanks for the answers."

"Thanks for the easy cash," Dibny replies. "I'd say it was nice to see you again, but, well, it really wasn't."

"Ditto," Barry says, and leaves.

He manages to wait until he's in a secluded alleyway outside before he puts on his speed, even though he's itching to get out of this place.

Still, even at high speed, Barry has a moment or two to reflect.

Talking with Dibny felt utterly pointless, but maybe it wasn't, not really. He'd gone there to find out how Dibny ended up doing what he did, and, well, he's gotten his answer: Dibny convinced himself it was the right and only thing to do, that there was no other way, that it had to be done.

He just couldn't conceive of allowing what he considered to be a miscarriage of justice, and that had been enough to cause him to commit one himself.

He saw himself as above the law.

He wasn't.

And neither is Barry.

Oh, he isn't going to stop being the Flash - the city needs him. Unlike Dibny, he’s actually in a unique situation, with unique powers that make his illicit actions necessary to save people’s lives. He's going to keeping doing what he can to help people and, in the meantime, do what he can to make sure he doesn't get stopped.

But he's not going to let Joe or Eddie compromise their integrity, and the integrity of their work, in the process.

"Hey, Barry!" Cisco exclaims happily when Barry arrives. "Good to see you, man; we missed you yesterday."

"How did court go?" Caitlin asks.

"It didn't," Barry tells her with a shrug. "We got a postponement. But I still get the second half of the day off!"

"I'm glad to hear that, Mr. Allen," Wells says from behind Barry, causing him to jump a little. "Does that mean you'll be working with us on your speed for the rest of the afternoon?"

"That's right," Barry says, already mentally girding himself. "I need to get faster. A lot faster. There's no other way to defeat the Man in Yellow. That's the top priority right now."

"That's right," Wells says. "After all, we must make sure to prioritize what's really important. Isn't that right, Mr. Allen?"

"Absolutely," Barry says, thinking of his decision to stay on the right side of the law as much as possible and feeling good about it. He made the right choice; he's sure of it. "That's totally right."

"I'm glad we agree," Wells says, and smiles.

#coldflash #barry allen #leonard snart #ralph dibny #my fic #an internal affair

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tompen94 · 5 years

Text

Ranting about Kingdom Hearts (cuz I just got into it)

Oh boy... where to begin...

I guess I should start by saying I wasn’t a fan of this series. I had barely heard of it growing up (try being a nerd in Portugal, it’s the worst) and by the time I did all I was hearing was about how convoluted the story was and how it had Disney characters with JRPG ones and I just thought it was weird af.

It wasn’t until the hype for KH3 started building up and one of my friends started showing me trailers for the thing that I got interested myself. As such for the last couple of weeks I took it upon myself to catch up with the series lore-wise. Now I’m caught up (not really but fuck if I have to go through that mobile phone game), so I have some thoughts to spew out.

I should note that KH3 will be my very first experience in gameplay of the series. I only went through the story of the other games, watching their cutscenes. (All-in-one does sound like an appetizing package but I wasn’t willing to spend 100+ euros on something I wasn’t even sure I was gonna like).

I will be going on a game-by-game basis.

Kingdom Hearts

When you wak away~ you don’t hear me say~ (God this song is so good)

What I took from this game is that despite the ridiculous looking premise, it works. I don’t know how putting a FF-looking dude along with Sora and Goofy works, but they made it work. Bravo.

The story was pretty straight-forward. I like that Riku and Sora have very much the same goal throughout the game, only that Riku ended up hanging out with the wrong people and had to pay the price for it.

I really like the scene where Kairi is revived, almost like a reversal of the beginning of the game. She goes to grab Sora and he poofs out of existance. It actually hits pretty hard.

I love that they kept Mickey to just one cameo. They build him up so well and in the end he just appears and basically solves the situation. Great stuff.

Also did I mention how good Simple and Clean is?

Kingdom Hearts - Chain of Memories

This is where some questions start popping up. The rigmarole around Sora’s memories was a bit confusing to me.

Other than that though, this was pretty harmless. Namine is a nice addition to the cast and I like how Sora and the Riku-replica argued over things.

I also like Sora’s final decision to go back to how he was.

Kingdom Hearts - 358/2 Days

Yes, I went through this game before KH2. No I don’t regret it.

I really like Roxas, Axel and Xion. Probably my favorite trio as a whole in the series. They spend a lot of scenes together and they really sell the friendship between them.

Yes they’re always eating ice cream but why is that bad?

Kingdom Hearts II

Omoidasuka~ Haruka harukaaaa~ Mirai wa~ (God this music is so good)

Oh my god this game was looooooong.

I almost forgot the non-plot stuff of this game completely. It’s not to say that it’s bad, but that it is a lot of stuff to remember so I chose to keep the plot-important stuff. Thankfully, that plot-important stuff is really really really good.

I think the final world is worth every pound of a full-price game on its own. I mean, seriously. Kairi and Namine’s escape and rescue by Riku. Ansem’s sacrifice. Xemnas’ questioning (and his voice, so soothing). Sora’s reunion with Riku. And how about that final battle. Oh my god the hype.

I do have a question though. How did Riku obtain his keyblade? It looks like his old bat wing sword so I thought it had been turned into a keyblade, but then in DD he summons the sword so he still has it?

Still, probably my favorite entry in the series.

Kingdom Hearts - Birth by sleep

This one kinda felt like the Star Wars prequels, what with Xehanort constantly goading Terra into using the darkness.

This game’s pacing was weird. One minute we’re trudging through the remaining worlds not explored in KH1, then suddenly Eraqus is attacking Ventus and we’re on the path to the Keyblade Graveyard.

This was the game that started interconnecting the plot too much. There’s no need for Mickey to be here, much less in the finale. Kairi now ended up Destiny Islands because Aqua gave her a charm or something. Sora and Riku got the Kingdom key because Riku was bequeathed by Terra now. The only one that kinda had to happen was the rigmarole with Sora’s and Ventus’s hearts, in order to explain Roxas’s appearance.

Still, the finale was pretty good and it did a good job of setting up Xehanort as the series’ big bad.

Btw, Aqua’s VA was shit. It really distracted me... Like can you at least pretend that you care? Really bad performance.

Kingdom Hearts - Re:coded

Apparently this one’s important to the plot now.

My least favorite entry in the franchise so far. Most of the game is inconsequential, it goes on for too long and for no good reason.

There are a couple of good moments between Data!Sora and Data!Riku, and I like that this game actually gave Sora a goal to achieve in KH3, that of rescuing every other MC trio, but those points are not enough to redem this game.

It felt like a chore to go through this one.

Kingdom Hearts - Dream Drop Distance

This one was mostly fun, but it is also responsible for the meme-status of the franchise’s story. Oh my god...

I actually don’t mind the complicated exam. I also like the idea of a mishap turning Riku into Sora’s guardian angel. However it’s when the Xehanorts start running amok that the plot starts to literally fold in on itself.

It does a decent enough job of setting up KH3 and hyping it up, but this really was where the story started to get convoluted. Before this point it was actually pretty easy to follow for me.

I’m also not fond of the retcon on Organization XIII’s goals.

Also I guess Riku is more special than Sora now? Not that I’m complaining.

Kingdom Hearts - 0.2 Birth by sleep -A fragmentary passage-

This game fixed Aqua and ruined Mickey. I mean, it’s pretty. And Aqua is life. But what the hell did you do to Mickey, Nomura?

You mean to tell me that Aqua was there the whole time and Mickey didn’t try to get her out of the Realm of Darkness? WHAT?! He was there with Riku, and Mickey didn’t even so much as mention Aqua to him? She’s literally there on the beach!

On the other hand though, Aqua’s VA now does a pretty decent job. Aqua herself is given a lot more to do and think about. Her character really benefits from this title. She’s not my favorite character, but I totally get why she’s a fan favorite.

Also terrible excuse to get Sora back to Lvl 1 is terrible.

Kingdom Hearts X Back Cover

On its own, I actually like this. It’s a pretty solid story on how the Keyblade War first sparked.

Yes, the foretellers are idiots who were obviously being played by the Master of Masters, but I think the way they fell out is nicely told. I also think that was the intent of the story. To show how dependent these guys were on the Master and how incompetent they were, so much so that the moment the Master disappears everything goes haywire.

I am a bit reluctant on this as a piece of the Kingdom Hearts story though. More specifically when it pertains to the Dark Seeker Saga. I don’t like how this was shown to us before KH3. Because even though I’m new to the series, I can tell a crazy storyteller when I see one. And Nomura’s incessant need of referencing every single piece of content in KH will rear its ugly head in KH3.

This shit is gonna matter, but it clearly has no place in the story told so far. Yes, it shows the beginnings of the Kayblade War, which is Xehanort’s end goal. But now we have ANOTHER bad guy to look out for in the Master of Masters and what the hell is in the black box, cuz I can assure it will appear in KH3. Isn’t this a bit too much to tack on just before the release of the game that supposedly ends the saga?

And don’t get me started on the fuckton of continuity problems the whole mobile game shabang brings.

Looking onto Kingdom Hearts III

On the whole though, I’m getting this game. If I had to equate it to something it would be to Infinity War in how it is going to converge all of the currently ongoing plotlines. Everything is leading up to this.

That in and of itself is good enough to generate hype, but there are other things that I’m looking forward to in the game.

- The gameplay (again, haven’t actually played any of the games yet, this will be my first experience)

- Playing as Kairi (wasn’t particularly happy with her lack of screentime despite her status as a MC)

- Sora’s goal to help Roxas (and I believe the others connected to him by extension)

- Visiting the Pixar worlds (this stuff looks so good, it looks exactly the same as the movies)

- The epic team-up of all the trios

- The music (of course)

- And probably some other stuff that I can’t remember right now.

May your heart be your guiding key

#kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts iii #kh sora #kh riku #disney #mickey #chain of memories #birth by sleep #re:coded #dream drop distance #a fragmentary passage #kh aqua #kh terra #kh ventus #roxas #kh axel #xion #keyblade #kh stuff

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moooniverse · 5 years

Text

STRIPPED

Character: Hoseok x Y/N

genre: Fluff / Smut / Light Angst

word count: 17K+

Synopsis: Gorgeous, wealthy, smart, popular. The campus goddess. People would turn their heads as soon as you enter, dropping mouths and leaving them open. You had friends known as your equals given that they share the same qualities that you do. Everyone wanted to have the life you had. Everyone except you.

Author’s Note: Hello guys this is my first fic. I was inspired to do one for hobi and at the same time I wanted to gift my friend a birthday fic.🥺Hope you guys enjoy and please be good to my first babyyy.

luv u all! ❤

“She’s here.”

“oh my gosh is she even real?”

“She’s so pretty.”

“No girl, pretty doesn’t even describe her.”

“I agree. She’s a goddess”

“Move your asses so she can come through”

“Oh my god!! She smiled at me!”

You hear their loud whispering as you pass through the hallway going to your class sometimes giving smiling at those you know and completely ignoring others whilst drinking the sight of your beauty, not even caring that they weren’t acknowledged. You were running late, and it was such an advantage that everyone paved a way just so that you could pass through without any hurdle. As you walked along with your friends behind, you’re suddenly being halted by someone standing in front of you. “H-hi Y-y/n.” You hear your friends whisper at the back. So this was the girl they’ve been talking about to have been secretly watching you. You say nothing and wait for her to continue. “I-I don’t know how t-to say th-is b-but I-I...r-r-rreally a-admire y-you…” Oh my gosh. This girl’s gonna take up your time finishing one sentence. You thought. The whole university is indeed in your favor, but not the professor in the class you’re trying to get on time with. You tilt your head slightly to your friends currently making fun of the girl’s stuttering before giving her that coated smile you usually do, slightly bending down to her height, leveling your mouth near her ear so only her and your friends could hear what you are about to say.

“Shut the hell up.” And immediately she did. “oohh. Shh. Don’t look at me that way. You were the one annoying me first with that stuttering mouth of yours.” She looked like she was about to cry but you didn’t give a damn. You let her. Anyway, people would think you just said something that touched her heart. You raise yourself up and gave her that soft smile you mastered to put on before finally brushing pass her giving a few more nods and walking away with a straight face like nothing happened.

This was your life. This was the life you have accustomed to be in. A life full of pretention, each day wearing a mask that would cover your hollow self. Ever since you were a kid, your parents would force you to be a perfect daughter, become ten times more mature than your age, swallow books, hold remarkable etiquette. You were every parent’s dream child then, until now. When you were in highschool, every student wanted to be your friend. Every boy wanted you to be their trophy girlfriend, because you were everything everyone ever wanted. You had always remained to be top in everything. You always had a calm demeanor like you had been taught to have. Most importantly, you had taught yourself to be nice. Growing up in that kind of world never gave you the opportunity to be yourself, never had transparency as an option. It was a kind of world where masks were worn to have your desired achieved. You had to be nice, to manipulate. This is where you learned that weak people existed. These were people you often take out your frustrations on. These are people you don’t feel pity for, people you watch as your friends make their lives miserable.

Stepping in college was as easy. Just as always, you were still on top. Especially now that you have bloomed into a fine young lady. Your looks aided you to be on your throne and your friends had stuck themselves with you proving their loyalty. What else can bring you down?

Thankfully, you make it on time but people have already occupied most of the space in the front and middle row so you resort to sitting in the back back portion of the room.

As the lecture started you whim yourself to concentrate and listen until you notice a pen drop on the floor rolling towards your side in the isle. You ignore it at first until you hear someone whisper from your left. “E-excuse me. Would you mind passing the pen towards this side?” Yes I do mind. You thought. You wanted to ignore and snob at the person but as role model student, you had to be someone who would do the opposite. So you did. You picked up the pen and turned to him with a smile. “Here.” You hand in the pen which he gratefully received. “O-oh. Thank you” He gave you the brightest smile which almost caused your eyes to scrunch, but you immediately control your expression.

Now that he was back to focus on lecture, you take your time to watch him whilst he was trying to scribble down notes. You figure he was new to the university. Exchange, or maybe transferred. Coconut head, thick and large circular glasses, overly hunched his back showing the lack of confidence. You rolled your eyes at the site turning to your friends now, who are obviously making fun of the newcomer.

You shake your head ignoring them. They might have found a prey but right now you didn’t care much. For some reason you just did not want to deal with him. It was true that he seemed like an annoyingly easy target but you just didn’t feel as much urge to make him one as much as your friends did. You just felt... passive about it. Maybe you just had too much fun earlier this morning? Or maybe you just really didn’t care. Lucky him then. You shrug at the thought as went back to focus on the ongoing lecture.

Class was finally over, and you were about to leave when Ms. Lee suddenly called you out. “Ms. Y/N, a moment please.” You signaled your friends to go first before nearing Ms. Lee with your charming smile but deep inside however, you wanted to get through this fast. “Yes Ms. Lee, is there anything you needed?” She gave you that unreadable grin like she always does before signaling someone to come.

“This is Jung Hoseok. One of our new student.” You turned to this student’s direction, internally debating with yourself on what to do. He fidgets a little before finally giving a bow, pushed his glasses up before greeting you with his bright smile. “Hello. We were sitting together earlier.” What the hell. You immediately turned to Ms. Lee without giving him any response. “What did you say you needed again Ms. Lee?” You asked.

“Well, since he came in late this school year, I wanted you to assist him in the things he has been missing on.” You Internally groaned. The universe was totally against your desire to stay him out of your site.

“N-Not that I am complaining Ms. Lee, but there must be someone else out there fit for the job maybe?” You smiled sweetly at her, but she just snorted. “No, there isn’t. We all know you are a top student here Y/N-ssi. First in rank for that matter. No one else would fit to assisting him except you.” She said folding arms “But, well if you are too busy maybe we could just have an—”

“I’ll do it Ms. Lee.” You stopped her, annoyed. This woman knew exactly where to push your buttons and it made it a lot worse was the triumphant grin she gave off as if expecting what you exactly did but you weren’t gonna let her see that. “Well then, meeting adjourned.” She smiled picking up her stuff before leaving me and the guy.

“U-uhh…” You hear him mutter behind you, so you turn top him smiling.

“What?”

“w-w-what..”

“look. Let’s make this clear. To be frank I really don’t want to deal with this shit”

“why?”

“I don’t want to deal with people like you.”

He was silent and for some reason it irked you that his expression was unreadable.

“what?” You ask brow raising.

“wha- I -I don’t know..I-I guess there’s nothing we can do about it?”

“Yes there is.” You say getting more annoyed. Especially when it feels like he isn’t fazed by you despite looking like it. “Go to Ms. Lee and tell her you don’t need help.”

“N-no can do.”

“Excuse me?”

“W-we can’t. Because I-I really don’t know...” You can’t believe this guy is giving you a hard time, of all people who can.

“Look. You know what, fuck this. Do what you want. I don’t care.” Then you turn around to leave.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

After lunch you decided to go to the library to have your peace and quiet. You couldn’t catch with your friends during lunch and they were nowhere to be found right now. As you walk your way to the halls you suddenly jolt by the sudden intrusion “Boo!” You turn around to see Mia, one of your friends.

“Mia. Hey. Where are the others?”

“Hmm. Just got a text from Hyunwoo. They said to meet them in the library.” She said linking your arms together. “Library? Why are they in the library?” She smirks at the question. “They must have found something fun to do over there.”

For some reason you had a bad feeling about it. Your friends never went to the library. You know they don’t because you always go there. It’s not a place they would go to even for chilling. When you both enter the library, you find a group of people in the corner at the back and you immediately spot them. Behind was someone sitting down looking at his feet like he was about to cry. As you neared them you start to recognize him.

“Yah. New student. Are you deaf?” You hear Hyunwoo taunt. You suddenly feel annoyed by Hyunwoo. You didn’t know why so you chose to ignore it. “What’s going on here?” You ask them as Mia skipped towards their direction.

“Ah. You’re here. Well we were just trying to befriend this little pup over here.” Everyone snorted with the term ‘Little pup’ used except you. It was obvious they weren’t just here to ‘make friends’. You see him do nothing but look down as if he was born for it. You’ve seen Hyunwoo and the rest of the group try to bully those who you call the weaklings. By now you exactly know that they wouldn’t stop until they get what they want. It shouldn’t be bothering you. You could do nothing and walk away. However, this time for some reason you feel quite irritated by them. Maybe because when you decided you didn’t want this person anywhere near you, it would include this kind of situation. And right now your friends aren’t really helping you get your peace.

“Hey. New pup. Ya hear me talking?” when he doesn’t receive an answer, he kicks his chair slightly causing it to jolt to the side a little. It was clear that the guy was already getting on their nerves. When he still doesn’t get any response, he grabs the guy’s collar.

“Hyunwoo. Stop it” You try to say however they must not have heard because he didn’t let go of they guy. So you repeated saying it a little it louder. Everyone looks at you, Including the new guy, surprised by your sudden interruption. “You can’t. Not him.”

“what? Why?” Everybody seemed to be confused now. This was the first time you had interrupted your friends doing their business. “because..” you clear your throat. “Ms. Lee left him under my care. This was the reason I was called out earlier. So no. You can’t meddle with him just yet.” You sounded as calm like you always do. He turned to the guy and released him. “Thank the heavens for now.” He said before leaving with everybody.

Once you were left alone, you realize he was looking at you the whole time. “Don’t look at me like that. And don’t you dare thank me.” You warn. That was the last thing you want to hear from him.

“Why did you—”

“because I do not want to put myself on a bad light. Not in that professor’s watch.”

“o-oh..still—”

“I said don’t thank me.” You roll your eyes before turning around to leave him for the second time that day.

For the next few days, you hoped it would be more peaceful. This however, is impossible with Ms. Lee being overly attentive to the new kid. Before she started the class, she decided that the both of you will sit somewhere in the front. You thought that was the most she could do to make your life a hassle.

“Okay class, for this midterms I won’t give you any written exam.” Everyone cheered for a moment until she announces the next part. “You will however be doing a character analysis report depending on your chosen novel.” You can hear everyone groan. You internally sighed now you wish you just had a written exam. “Don’t worry everyone. This will be partnered. You are all free to choose your partner…” You were about to signal one of your friends at the back, but Ms. Lee was quick to stop you. “Except you Ms. Choi”

“May I ask why Ms. Lee?” You pretty much had a hunch on what was going to happen. You just can’t believe she was going to be so upfront about it.

“You’re going to be paired with Mr. Hoseok here.”

“but I thought we could choose our partners.”

“well, it wouldn’t hurt if you partnered with him, right? You must have formed some kind rapport since you have been helping him with catching up, unless you weren’t doing as asked?” She turns to Hoseok. “Hoseok-ssi?”

“u-uhm.” You send signal a warning to him not to spill shit. This guy better be good. “She’s actually a good mentor. I learn a lot from her.” You relax a little at the statement. “I would really like it if she became my partner. I’m not so comfortable with anyone else Ms. Lee.” You glared at him and he returned it with his usual naïve and innocent look. This guy must have a death wish.

“Alright. This is settled then.” She smiled triumphantly. What’s worse was she didn’t even hear you out. She continued to give out instructions to class like nothing happened.

You sigh exasperatingly as you turn around to look at him. “What now?”

“W-well, I guess let’s just work together?”

“Why the hell would you think I’ll work with you?”

“Because our m-midterm grade…” You can’t help but think he’s right. It was your grades at risk and no, you won’t risk anything to drop it. “I-I’m s-sorry.” You look at him baffled by what you felt just now. was that guilt?

“Fine. What time is your next class?” I ask him.

“I- I end at 1pm A-although my p-part time job starts at 5.”

“Great. Meet me in the library 3PM sharp.” You stood up and smiled sweetly at him before bowing making sure everyone can see and talk about how nice and polite you were before leaving the room.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

As you walk down to the far corner of the library, you see him stacked with all the books you almost didn’t recognize him. You checked the time and it was five minutes to three. You guessed he must have been here for a while guessing the stack of books he got.

“What are you doing?” He jerked from his position hitting his knee on the table in the process as he looked up at you clearly surprised by your sudden entrance. You try not to laugh. Why would you laugh anyway?

“H-hi. I was just studying on some stuff y-you know. Since I’m still catching up. Let me just…” He immediately fixes his things so you could sit with him. But this wasn’t the place you wanted to do your work at. “Not here. Follow me.” You turn around to walk to your destination not caring if he was following you or not. You notice some ruffling before he followed suit.

You go further from the corner at the back of the bookshelves, and then you make a quick right turn to reach another small corner. He sees you go through the corner and was surprised to see that there’s a small opening behind the bookshelves. “This is where we’ll work.” He looks around in awe. “Wow.” You look at him as he tries to go over every shelf. Looking at the books. “These books are old.” He says

“They are. That’s why no one comes here. So are you gonna keep wandering over there or start and get and get this over with?”

“Ah.. yes. Okay,” He immediately took the seat adjacent to yours.

You both decided to have Pride and Prejudice as your focus since both of you had read it and immediately started to get to work. You were surprised how focused he was, as if he isn’t really fazed by your presence. It was an hour after diligently working that you decided to look up from your laptop.

You see him still focused on scribbling notes while scanning through the book and searching some stuff through hi phone as well. He doesn’t even notice you looking at him as he was very focused on the task as much as you were. It astonishes you that you both were able to work without hurdle.

You were expecting him to be more talkative or complementing because you were accustomed to that. Anyone who had the chance to spend time with you would grab the opportunity to converse as much as possible. You remember all those times when you force yourself to smile or laugh at their lame jokes sometimes even listen to their problems which you don’t give a shit about. However, this was quite new. He would ask you questions about the task few times or exchange ideas from time to time but that was pretty much it. He never indulged himself too much. You hate to admit to the calm effect it had given you.

“D-did you need something y/n-ssi?” You didn’t even notice him look up at you as you were too deep in your thoughts.

“Nothing.” You clear your throat. “Aren’t you gonna be late for work?”

He hums looking at his watch. “I still have an hour.”

“Okay.”

It was silent for a while until a question came up in your mind. “Why did you lie to Ms. Lee?”

“Lie? Did I lie to Miss Lee?” He asked as if he wasn’t aware.

“Why did you tell her I was helping you? You could’ve easily thrown me off and expose me. Why didn’t you do it?”

“Well you’re helping me now.”

“You know what I mean Hoseok-ssi.” He paused for a while and sighed before looking at you.

“Well I guess because you saved me from your friends?”

“It wasn’t for you.” You remind him. “I said not to thank me—”

“Y/N-ssi”. He sighs again looking up at you. It was a look you could never expect him to give. It was sharp, direct with a hint of annoyance. As if you were being put in your place. “You think everyone would believe me if I told you off? In this kind of environment?” He was right. No one would believe him.

“W-well, good thing you know.” He gives you a small smile before looking down again at his paperwork. There it was again. That twist in your gut. Was it really guilt you’re feeling? Why would you even feel that when you were so used to these kinds of situations?

As usual, you try to ignore the feeling and went back to work. This time you were too engrossed by it that you didn’t notice another 45 minutes had passed since your conversation. When you look up the window the sun was already beginning to set. “You should go. You’ll be late for work.”

“hmm. Yeah. I think I should.” He slowly gathers his stuff into his bag. “Thank you for today.” He says before giving him a bow.

“Yeah. Tomorrow same time and place.” You say as you gather up your stuff as well.

“Okay. bye y/n-ssi.”

“Wait.” You stop him. “When you come here… make sure no one can see you.”

“No one knows you come to this place?” he asks

“No.”

“Not even your friends?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Okay.” With that he smiles before turning to leave.

You sigh before you proceed to clean up thankful that the day was finally over. You wonder how long it would take until you’ll be free from this situation.

The next few days were more or less the same. He would come by on time and both of you would immediately start without much ado. Your conversations are only about the novel and sometimes you

would exchange opinions on a particular character in the book. Because of this, you had finished you scheduled task for the day quite early. “Y-y/n-ssi.” He calls you. “uhm, would it be okay if I use this room for a while? I-I have to do some more assignments and I-I think it would save a lot more time if I stay here then go home.” You contemplate for a while. The place was your private sanctuary. You felt quite territorial but somehow you knew that guilty feeling would again rise if you say no.

“Sure.”

“Thank you.” He smiles before reaching out to some more books and continued to do his work. For some reason you didn’t feel like going anywhere either. You decide to stay for a while and fiddle with your phone scan through your Instagram and twitter likes until you got bored.

That’s when you decided to pay a glance to the person sitting in front of you. He was jolting down some notes to his notebook and would sometimes pause at some point, maybe trying to digest what he just learned. You see him scratch his head from time to time if he gets confused and then he would adjust his glasses for falling off. Looking at him closely you see how soft his features are though it’s not overpowering the manly features he has. Obviously, he wasn’t as stunning as the boys you have been dating or hanging out with but there was something in him which makes you curious each second you look at him and you knew it wasn’t that of a big deal because as if you would be into a guy like him…right?

“y/n-ssi…” He suddenly calls out startling you.

“h-huh?”

“I know you’re really good in English… can you help me with something?” You finally gather yourself up to answer him. “What is it?” He smiles excitedly as he moves closer to his direction. “Here.” As he started talking, you were suddenly unable to move from your position, unable to think so unfortunately you couldn’t catch what he was really asking you.

You didn’t know why you felt that in the first place. Your eyes moved to where he was. You could see how close you both were. You could smell the faint perfume he used probably earlier that morning. Now you could also see how clear and smooth his skin looked and his hair was so soft you just want to tou—

“y/n -ssi?” He calls you for the second time. “Is something wrong?”

“N-no nothing. Why?”

“Oh..Nothing. You seemed like uhhmm. I don’t know. Spaced out?”

“Nothing’s wrong. So, what were you asking about?” You say flatly as if you didn’t even have any of those thoughts from earlier. You didn’t know why those things came to your mind, and you didn’t know why you felt that way when it was just him. It was something new to you and so you decide to ignore it.

“U-uh. Okay.” This time you kept yourself uninterrupted by your thoughts.

XxXxXxX

The moment you stepped into the mansion, a group of maids immediately surrounded you to tend for your needs as usual. As you grew older, you also begin to question the need of so many servants. It wasn’t like you were physically disabled to be unable to do anything for yourself. Even they can do things on their own. You couldn’t understand, yet you couldn’t voice it out either even if you wanted to. Because that’s how a fine young lady should be. Your mother’s voice echoed in your thoughts.

“Y/N dear. You’re home.” Speaking of which.

“Mother.” You say giving a small bow. Something you were always forced to do. As if meeting your parents was like meeting some client. What’s worse was that she was quite proud of the formality. Proud of the fact that her own daughter was distant. You felt sick, but you had to suck it up. “Would you mind having dinner with me? There are some things I would like to discuss with you.” Suddenly you didn’t have the appetite to eat anymore. But it wasn’t like you had a choice either. “Yes mother.” You say.

The moment you sat in the dining table she wasted no time. “So, your father and I will be visiting the university.” You suddenly halt what you were doing. You hated it when they pay a visit as it would mean you will have to put extra effort in being the perfect daughter, the perfect student. There was never a time you failed doing so. You don’t think you ever would as you have already perfected being perfect in people’s eyes. You just felt drained and tired for some reason. All you wanted was approval from your parents, but not once in your whole existence did you feel or hear it.

“Yes, Mother. This is duly noted.” She hums. “Will I be expecting a lot from you?” She tells you with that tone you’re too familiar with. A question you should have no other answer for. “Yes Mother.” You answer her like you always do.

True to her words, your parents were seen the next day walking through the campus grounds, guards surrounding, professors greeting them with big smiles plastered on their faces. Your mother just casually nods from time to time. A kind look on her soft features deceiving everyone around her just like your father does, but you knew well enough, because you were trained by the best.

You were walking alongside her going to the boardroom when you suddenly felt a strong hand pull your hair towards the side and then suddenly you were thrown off the ground. “You bitch.” You hear someone scream. When you look up you see every eyes on you, some were holding up their phones taking a video of the scene. “You bitch!” She screams again and advances herself ready to throw a slap but then the body guards reacted instantly stopping her from doing so.

Now that she was held down, you finally look at her face and instantly you knew who she was. She was that girl you met at the hallways a few weeks back. You were unmoving by the situation. You didn’t know she would get back at you like this. Most especially in front of your parents. You look around and see that your friends were standing at the side, doing nothing either. You thought maybe they couldn’t get near you, maybe they just didn’t want the situation to get worse.

You felt a pair of hands help you up, caressing your face and then you see your mother’s face in front of your trying neaten your hair. Oh how you wish this was all true. “Are you okay?” Your mother asks you with a very worried look on her face. “Yes mother.” And then she palms your cheeks with her hands on both sides and looks into your eyes. “Meet me after the meeting.” You felt chills run down your spine. Unlike how the others see it, you knew what your mother meant, and you couldn’t back away from it.

You were slightly thrown to the side, your left cheek red and stinging in pain.

You mother has just slapped you. Right after the board meeting, she had brought you to some place she was sure no one could see and without further ado, accused you of being a disappointment. “When will you learn?! You are a disgrace!” You say nothing because you knew this conversation will always be one sided, like all your conversations with her do. You stay as calm as always, only touching your cheek which only made it stung more. “Embarrass us again and you will see…” She threatened before walking away.

That day they went home without you. It’s not like you could either. You probably won’t go home until her flight that night. So you went to your safe haven, that corner in the library. You sat down on the couch watching out the window and see the sun beginning to set. You close your eyes as you feel the last few moments of rays touch you before the shadows begin to rise. Then suddenly, you hear footsteps from behind. You turn to see Hoseok standing behind the couch you were seated.

“What are you doing here?” You turn around as you didn’t want anyone to see your bruised face.

“Nothing.”

“We’re not scheduled to do anything for literature today Hoseok.”

“I know.” He said calmly. “I saw what your mother did to you.” He told you honestly. You didn’t say anything as you didn’t know what to do with the confession. “I- I was just passing by and then suddenly I heard someone shout from one of the rooms.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be sorry either. I hate that” You tell him annoyed. You hear him sigh before you felt so the other side of the couch dip down. “What?” You glare at him. He says nothing and only looks across the window. You do the same, still slightly annoyed by the fact that someone had just invaded your space but as time went by, you felt a little calmer.

You suddenly thought what if you didn’t really want to be alone? What if you were really just waiting to come and comfort you. Maybe your friends could but when you look at your phone, there wasn’t even at least one message from either of them asking if you were okay or not, or where you were. The fact downed you slightly.

“y/n-ssi.” He suddenly calls you after the long silence.

“what?”

“What’s your hobby?” You look at him confused by the question. “A hobby.” You repeat. Why would anyone ask you for your hobby at this certain point? “Yeah hobby. Like what you do during free time—”

“I know what a hobby is Jung Hoseok.” You tell him pointedly. “Why the hell are you asking?” He just shrugs and smiles. Something tingles inside you and you suddenly hear a bell ringing. What the hell? You sigh. “Don’t you dare laugh or else…”

“hm? Why would I laugh?” You roll your eyes at the question. “Dancing.” You finally admit. “Oh? Really?” He’s suddenly excited which baffled you. Then he excitedly stood up and went near you. “Well it’s a good thing we have the same type of hobby.”

“What? You dance?” You felt like it was somewhat impossible as it seemed like he wasn’t the type. He just smiles at the question “Come with me? I have something good to show you.”

You knew one side of you didn’t want to go, because he was supposed to be that friendless nerd you shouldn’t be bothering to spend your time with. But for some reason you chose to go because you knew somehow you needed a release somewhere.

After a few minutes walking outside the campus, you see yourself standing in front of a small building. You look at Hoseok scrutinizing him. You didn’t know why he brought you here after saying you wanted to dance. “Come” He says before walking inside. You reluctantly follow his steps until you reached the second floor of the building. It creeped you out a little as it was too quiet and dark for your liking however it changed as soon as he opens the lights. It was a studio. A dance studio. Complete with all the speakers and mirrors surrounding the walls.

“wow.” You say. He laughs. “Yeah.” He admits. “Ah- But before anything, I guess this is the part where I blackmail you.”

“What? Why?” He laughs. “Well, you told me not to tell anyone about the library. Well, I kind of keep this place a secret too.” He says a little bit shy.

“Fine.” You answer him rolling your eyes before walking around the studio. “So you really dance?” You ask.

“Do you want me to show you first? And then you can say whether I dance or not.”

“uhh.. yeah? Sure.” He smiles gently as he takes his jacket off and places it at the side before ruffling his hair to smoothen the surface. You felt a tight twist in your stomach seeing the movement. You were suddenly excited, and you didn’t know what to do with the feeling. He scanned through music from his phone before settling on one.

Listen/ Watch: O.T Genasis- Coco

He tried to feel the music playing, before shuffling his hair more and taking off his glasses, something you did not expect. As he started dancing every once of focus you had was directed towards him like a magnet. The way how his body moved with the music, how his pumps were on point with the beat, how fluid his moves were as he grooved.

Your eyes watch him intently as he does magic with his dance. Each sharp kick and twist he does was on point. It was only a few seconds of showcase, but it felt like eternity watching him. You were totally stunned, because you couldn’t believe this guy in front of you was the same geek you see at school. It was like a totally different persona of him only you got to see.

He finally ends it with an effortless swag pose and a smirk. You were too mesmerized that you only realized he was finally done when he approached you. “How was it?” He smiles brightly. That smile which somehow puts you in a place you where you shouldn’t be. You clear your throat trying to look unbothered. “G-good.” He laughs again, and you swear it was like a contagious virus as you find yourself smiling too. “Well, did I pass Ms. Choi?” You only snort at his teasing. “Yeah fine. You win.” You roll your eyes playfully. “Yey.” He cheers. “So, let me see you dance too.”

“What? No way.” You tell him. You weren’t going to embarrass yourself. Sure you did a lot of practice way back but no one had ever seen you dance. Only you with yourself in front of the mirror.

“Come on. It’s not fair that I am the only one who gets to show.” You sigh as he had fairly made a point. This guy might have only ever danced in front of you too. So you end up scanning through your phone and deciding a routine that has already been choreographed by famous dance studios online.

Listen: Charlie Puth- How Long (Remix)

You start by feeling the beat first before proceeding to the next thing which was to pump in and out to the beat, making sure to look at him while you do it. Then you begin to make sharp quick moves you’re your feet before going smooth and soft with your body wave. You made sure your hands were in the right places as you moved it along with your body. A few moments later into the dance, he joins you. He probably knows the choreography too.

You felt every negativity dissipate the moment both of you got your rhythm. You’ve never felt this light…and happy… You felt as if you were being pulled up by something you were drowning in. For the first time in a long time, you laughed and smiled not for the reason that you had to, because for the first time in your life, you were not forced to do something you didn’t want to.

As the music progressed, you notice how you both meet each other’s style and came to a point where you finally synced. You looked at him through the mirror and smiled before the music finally stops. You both drop to the floor panting. “That was really…” You didn’t know what to word to put. Good? Fun? Amazing? So you resort to the next thing you wanted to say. “Thank you.” He looks at you slightly surprised but soon he smiles. He lies down on the floor as he stretches himself out before putting hands behind his head.

“I’m glad it helped.”

“Yeah… it actually did.” You smile. Both of you settled in a comfortable silence.

By the time both of you decided to go home, it was already night time. He offered to walk you back to the campus as your ride must be waiting already. Before you walk off he stops you. “Uhm hey.” You turn to him smiling. “Yeah?”

“I hope it made you better… somehow.” Before answering you take a step closer, studying him, they way he looks at you. A little bit shy, but with a hint of sincerity and determination in his eyes. “It did.” You admit. “Would you bring me there next time then?” He smiles brightly again and you can’t believe you just thought about how you want to see that more often this time.

After that day, things changed quite a bit for both of you. You realize that being with him felt more fun, light. It felt natural. Like you don’t really have to pretend to be nice, or quiet. There were sides you never knew you had that he brought out in you. On some days, you end up playing, laughing about each other’s jokes. Other times you would help him with other subjects because it’s not only in Literature where he had to catch up. Then there will also be times where you just sit together on the couch, talking about anything. May it be school, or each other’s lives, but somehow you came to that point where you admit that you liked every part of it. It became your favorite part of the day.

So when he asks you all of a sudden about your worries, you couldn’t help but tell him the truth.

“I’m worried that I’ll fuck everything up. I’m worried that one day this will all blow up.” You thought of your mother. How she ever made it to that point.

“Why do you do it then?”

“I need to Hoseok. And to be honest I really don’t know who I really am already. You know, that empty feeling? I just—I don’t know what to do, because I’m scared that I might be actually better like this than something I have yet to discover.” You really do. It might be too late for you to find out who you really are, and what you wanted to do.

You feel him scoot closer to you on the couch you were sitting and when you turn to look at him your heart flutters and you suddenly feel hot on your cheeks, because he was staring at you softly as he looks into your eyes.

“Well, you’re really doing well right now if you ask me.” You pause for a few seconds before smiling back because you realize what his words meant, and his words couldn’t be truer.

However though, you also know how your fears are still pulling you down.

“Your father and I will be visiting again.” You mother starts. She didn’t even ask how your day went, but what were you expecting right? “Yes, mother.” You answer.

“I’ve already spoken to the school. The issue has been dealt accordingly. Make sure you don’t make a lot of mess next time.” She warns. “Yes, mother.” She says nothing and walks out, food untouched. You finally breathed, sighing. You had no appetite anymore either.

By the time you got in your room, a message pops out from your phone.

From Hoseok:

(wave) (wave)

To Hoseok:

(rolling eyes emoji)

From Hoseok:

Mean.

To Hoseok:

Aren’t I always? Lol

From Hoseok:

Oh yes you are ms. Grumpy pants.

….

Kidding. 😊

You can’t help but smile. You don’t know if it’s because everything he says makes you feel lighter, or because he’s the only person who shows up all the time, especially when you feel lonely. It may be both, you don’t know. What you’re sure of though, is that growing feeling in you. For so many times, you’ve convinced yourself that it was just for the reason that you are more comfortable with him than with anyone else, but as time went by you slowly realize that the fondness is not just because of the company he gives.

To Hoseok:

….

What are you doing right now?

From Hoseok:

…..

I’m outside. Getting fresh air. You?

To Hoseok:

….

At home.

From Hoseok:

I bought ramen… and banana milk.

…

I think I bought too much…

You hear your stomach growl. You suddenly crave for ramen. And banana milk. What a coincidence right?

From Hoseok:

Eat with me? :D

….My treat.

To Hoseok:

(Rolling eyes Emoji)

…..

If you insist. I’m bored anyway.

From Hoseok:

Yey. :D

You manage to sneak out of your house and meet with him at the convenient store. When you arrive, you immediately see him through the glass window. He was blowing out the steam coming from the ramen and tried to eat it, but the noodle was still too hot that he withdrew the chopsticks from his mouth the moment he brought it in.

He followed by taking a sip from the banana milk. You notice he was trying to look outside and check if you were there. When he doesn’t see you, he opens the untouched ramen on the other side and blew it as hard as he could and mixing it as well. You figured it would be for you and somehow that small deed just touched you in ways no one else ever did. You feel your heart flutter once again. You didn’t waste anymore time to show up as much as you still wanted to see how adorable he was. He smiled once you got in and immediately offered the seat beside him.

“Sorry. It took a while to get out.” You lied.

“Nah. It’s fine. Come eat. It’s still a little bit hot though.” You sit with him and slowly ate the ramen quietly. You just realized you were quite hungry as you got so fixed with eating ramen you didn’t notice Hoseok looking at you the whole time until you finished half of it and paused to get air.

“what?”

“hmm. Nothing. Just thought you must be really hungry.” You look at your food and saw how many you took it one go, before embarrassment took over. “Hey. It’s fine.” He says smiling when he noticed it.

“Y-yeah. Sorry.” You continue eating slowly this time. Sometimes sipping from your drink.

When you both were done with food, he got up to buy ice cream. Something you’ve been craving for a while. You decided to walk along the nearest park while you eat your dessert. He noticed that you were quiet for a while now. “y/n. is everything alright?” You look at him with wide eyes. “Uh yeah. I’m fine.” He looks at you still not convinced. “I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have bothered you.” Then you suddenly felt a pang of guilt. it was definitely not because of him. In fact he was the reason why you were feeling a lot better. You wanted to say it all to him but for some reason, you just can’t. He looks at you still smiling but his eyes had this look of guilt. “We can head back after if you like, I’ll take you ho—”

“No. Please don’t.” You cut him off before he could finish. “I don’t want to go home.” He looks at you confused at first then replaced with worry. “y/n. what happened?” He sounded really worried as he steps closer. “Is that the reason why you didn’t eat at home?” You look up to him and you were close enough to see his eyes beyond those thick rims. His eyes glow with nothing but care and sincerity. As you both look at each other, you suddenly feel so full and content. You couldn’t help yourself but smile at this. “Yeah. So don’t you dare think you shouldn’t have let me out of that boring house.” You both fall into a comfortable silence as you walk through the paves of the park. Then you suddenly thought of an idea.

“Hoseok-ah. Can we… dance?” He looks at you. “Hm? Here?” then he looks around to see if there are other people who could potentially make fun of you. You roll your eyes. “No dummy. I meant… the dance studio.” He gives out a small ‘ohh’ before chuckling and looking at his watch. “I guess it’s free already. Let’s go.”

By the time you came around, the studio was already dark. Just like the first time you came here, you still can’t get over the chills until he turned on the lights.

Both of you did small stretching before deciding to go on a choreographed routine. You weren’t sure how it would really go since this is the first time you did this choreography with a partner.

Listen/Watch: Say you won’t let go: James Arthur/ May J Lee &Par Bongyoung

I wake you up with some breakfast in bed,

I bring you with a kiss on your head

It starts with both of you walking toward each other before you begin with the fluid small movement with your hands. He touches your shoulder and look at his hands while he does it then he turns you around so smoothly. Then he takes your hand again as you turn your back and swing your leg to the side before you turn yourself back.

I’ll take the kids to school, wave them goodbye

And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night.

By suddenly turning around, he catches you immediately by the waist. You suddenly felt time slow when he looks at you with adoring smile and puts his forehead on yours. Then bends you over securing you waist with his arm, so you won’t fall then lifts you up again.

Then you smiled over your shoulder

For a minute, I was stone-cold sober

I pulled you closer to my chest

Then you move towards the side, him to the right, both of you syncing each other’s move and then goes near as you take a few steps back, still with the rhythm and beat taking your hand before doing an open promenade. Then you run to the other side to pose trying to do a cute pose as he points at you with his finger.

You felt the fun as you danced, giving your heart the excitement it has been longing for. You just can’t contain it that you were smiling and laughing as you did those cute poses and he was doing the same, obviously feeling the same thing you do.

And you asked me to stay over

I said, I already told ya

I think that you should get some rest

He forms his arm like a basketball ring and then you remember that step where the girl had to go inside the arms by swiftly going under it so that’s what you exactly do. But what you didn’t expect is the fact that he would really carry you just like in the original choreography.

He lifts you up on the waist and you try to put your weight on your hands which was on either side of shoulders so you could balance yourself. You knew what exactly the next step would be and you braced yourself for your now overly fluttering heart.

I knew I loved you then

But you'd never know

'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go

You don’t know how he does it but the way he swiftly yet gently drops and catches you made you feel safer and more when he wraps his arms around you securely as you do the same and wrap your legs around his waist. You feel his breath on your neck as he turns you around a few times.

I know I needed you

But I never showed

But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Then he drops you down slowly and then you look at him with pure joy in your eyes. You were amazed by the fact that both of you have danced in sync the first time you danced the routine. The song continues as you both stop. You lift your head again to look at him and see that he was suddenly so solemn. You notice how his hands were still in you arms when he slides them down to your hands, stopping to softly hold you. By now you don’t notice anything anymore, not your surroundings, or the music playing. Just the sound of your heartbeat and your eyes on each other.

You try not to, but you can’t help traveling you eyes back and forth from his eyes down to his lips and back again. He closes his eyes as he meets his forehead with yours just like in the dance earlier. Then you slowly close your eyes aware that you were now both so close that it took only one push for your lips to meet. He moves closer until you can already feel his breathing. You bite your lips, doubting that he may not be thinking the same thing you are thinking right now, because all you want is to be kissed.

As if reading your mind, he dives in to catch your lips with his. It was slow and innocent, until you decided to make a bold move and move your lips along with his in the exact the same rhythm. You feel that he does the same, making the kiss progress into something more passionate. You felt how perfectly you both fit, like a puzzle. He moves his hands from yours up to your neck tilting it slightly to give yourselves more access, and you wrapping your hands around his waist for closer proximity.

You feel the heat emit but you don’t know which it belongs to. Not like you care at this time anyway. You continue kissing until you both decided to catch some air. You could feel his hands move down and you suddenly long for the touch.

“U-uhm….” He starts, gently scratching the back of his head. You suddenly felt awkward.

“I-I think we should go…” you say.

“Y-yeah. I think we should.”

When you got home, all you could ever think about was the kiss. How good his lips felt on yours. You touch your lips as you continue to reminisce that moment, eventually giggling and rolling around. Does this mean, he feels the same? Does he like you? Or is he probably just playing around? Wait. What if he just did it to get back at you?? What if—fuck. You stay still lying down as your thoughts continue to give all the what if’s. He was supposed to be that guy you didn’t want anything to do with, and you tried your best just to stay away but the universe just has its ways. Now you know you’re so in deep, but you can’t fully admit it because of damn fears. You wish you were braver enough to face them.

In the middle of you overthinking, a message suddenly pops up.

From Hoseok:

Good night y/n-ah. 😊

You look at his message taking your time to read carefully and slowly. You somehow felt the ease slowly taking over. You press the reply button before drifting off to slumber.

To Hoseok:

See you tomorrow. Goodnight.

The next day was like any other day, except the fact that you were showing more affection towards Hoseok, especially when you were both alone in your sanctuary. You were giving extra time in preparing for the midterm presentation due the week after next and unlike you, he was pretty much lax with everything. He was trying to get your attention by putting his chin on your shoulder while hugging you from behind.

“Yah. You are fully aware that this is due soon right? You remind him while giggling from the way his hair tickles your skin. He hums at that “What do we need to prepare for? We were really ahead of schedule.” He hugs your waist tighter and you tilt your head to his, your chin touching the edge of his rims.

You noticed how he changed as days went by, somehow you can no longer hear him stuttering, he could look into your eyes directly without being bashful, and now you can really feel him so lax with the entire exam going on. It confused you but at the same time maybe it was just because he was now comfortable with your presence to a point where he can hug you and cuddle, but you don’t hate any second of it. If it were the first few months you met, you may have barfed hating the idea of it but now you have come to accept those feelings awaking within you. Right now you can’t really point out what exactly you two have but for sure it’s not one sided, guessing from the way he holds you.

“y/n.” He suddenly calls.

“Hm? W-what?”

“You’re spacing out again. What are you thinking about?” He says in a serious tone. You didn’t realize you were in deep thinking again.

“I wasn’t.” You deny. “Okay maybe I’m just a little bit uneasy. You know, about the presentation?” You say thankful you found an excuse.

“You’re gonna do great. Like always.” He smiles and you can see his eyes turn into crescents. You wanted to kiss them so bad but instead, you just ruffle his hair and give his forehead a kiss. “Thank you.”

Everyone has noticed that you seemed happier these days. People are complimenting on the recent glow you have. You were a lot softer, “Her smile looks more beautiful than it was before!” is what you hear as you pass by. You wonder how your smile can change when you felt like it was the same smile you always put. Well, probably a lot less forced maybe? You try to nod at everyone who greets you even those you hated before, those you ignored. You knew they were baffled by the treatment.

You knew you were still scared of what might happen, you knew you had a long way to go before you finally overcome your demons but you still applaud yourself for at least trying.

No one could overlook the change in you, not even your friends who you haven’t been with for a while. You admit that somehow you are longing for them. They are one of the few people who knew you and accepted you. They were the only ones you really considered as friends, but when you enter the room, you see how they look at you with pure suspicion. You didn’t know why, but you ignored it and went on to sit in the front beside Hoseok.

“Hey.” He whispered smiling at you. You give him a small smile in return.

“Something wrong, y/n?” Sometimes you really don’t know how he can easily tell when something’s not right but you deny it anyway shaking your head. “Just tired I guess.” His eyes gave off that concerning look even if he was still smiling. “We can rest later. Try getting sleep. Maybe that would help.” You just nod in response.

During your break you immediately try to find where your friends went. You tried sending messages but no one would reply so you just went out to look for them. Finally, you see them clustered in one corner of one of the classrooms. “Hey guys.” They just look at you warily. “Is something wrong?” You say as you go inside the room.

“Hi Y/n.” Hyunwoo starts. He was smirking. Mia and the other girls were looking sad.

“what’s up you guys?” You were starting to get worried.

“Nothing. Just a little birdie told us how you and four eyes are finally getting along.” He said and you were taken aback.

“Will you leave us y/n? Recently we haven’t been together you know.” Mia continues still emitting those sad eyes.

“No—of course not guys.”

“What is exactly with you and Jung Hoseok?” One of the guys ask.

You tried to fight it, but you couldn’t help the thought of losing your friends. You knew exactly what would happen if you told the truth. You couldn’t fathom that people will end up talking about you being friendless. “No, there’s nothing going on. We are just pure partners in literature. Y-you know pretty well how I can’t afford to fail right?” You clench your fist as you spit out the lies.

“Well that’s not what our little birdie told us.” Says Hyunwoo. You were now getting a little bit annoyed by his cockiness. “Well get someone who’s not a birdbrain Hyunwoo. Ask someone who can get facts straight, If it’s not clear to him who I’m using or not.” You try to defend yourself. Mia just sighs in relief. “There. We have our y/n name back.” She runs to you and links her arm around yours. “I thought we lost you y/n.” She says.

“No, You won’t” You give her a small smile ignoring that pang of guilt you feel inside.

Later that afternoon, you decided to go to the library. You didn’t feel like going anywhere or with anyone. You just wanted to be by yourself, to mentally scold yourself for being shit. But when you came up, you see Hoseok idly sitting on the couch. “Hoseok. Hi.” You greet him, but you receive no response. Instead he looks at you, his eyes fueled. At that point you knew you couldn’t act like nothing happened. Your guilt is eating you up and it doesn’t look like he knows nothing either. Your suspicions were confirmed by his next few words.

“Using me huh.” His mouth twitched into a little smirked because he knew he hit bull’s eye. “really y/n?” He stands up and slowly taking steps towards you.

“I-I can explain.” You try. He sighs at that. “Explain what y/n?” You couldn’t say anything because you knew he was right. There was nothing to explain. What you did was utterly bullshit. He looks down, disappointment clear on his face, with a hint of hurt. And it hit you right away, because you didn’t want to see any of that from him. “I thought you really cared.” I did! I really do! You wanted to shout from the top of your lungs but you can’t, because there was no way of proving it. “Turns out it was just one of those acts you pull to get what you want.” You felt it straight to your heart, hurt by his words.

“H-hoseok, please…” You try to convince him that it was all true, that not once did you try to put out an act in front of him. You didn’t want to lose him. But he wouldn’t listen to any of that.

He couldn’t listen to you after everything he heard. He was just on his way to find you, bringing along a plastic bag of snacks, your favorite banana milk and energy drink when he heard your voice from one of the rooms he just passed by and he listened to the whole conversation you had with your friends. “I was hoping all of this was a bluff, but it seems like it isn’t.” You look down because you really didn’t have a reason except that you were one immature ass that didn’t have a backbone. He sighs for the last time. “Good luck with everything y/n.” He says before brushing past your shoulders leaving you in tears. You just can’t blame him. When you have finally met the person you could be yourself around with, you just had to ruin it all.

The next few days was even worse than you thought. You didn’t see Hoseok after your confrontation. You tried messaging him a few times but there was no reply. You felt a lot worse each day and even being with your friends cannot fix that.

You miss him so much and you couldn’t get any work done right because of it. You constantly check your phone, shut off all notifications except for his because you didn’t want to expect every ding of your phone to be his message when in fact it was just your friends or an anonymous person sneaking to your dms.

To no avail, no message came from him, not even one. You try to drown yourself with studies, focusing on all lectures, getting ready for the exams, you can’t even take yourself to sleep because you didn’t like the idea of drowning yourself to the thought of him as you close your eyes.

Friday would be your presentation for literature and you think you would fuck up. Even if you have come prepared, you were still really unfocused. Plus, half of the presentation would be Hoseok’s so if he didn’t show up, everything would be a mess. But you thought maybe you deserved it anyway.

It was really getting late yet Hoseok hasn’t showed up still. You were losing the hope that he would. It was your turn next so you just tried to focus on it instead.

“Alright.” You take a deep breath before starting. Your vision was a little blurry, yet you did everything you could to remain calm. Like you always would. You didn’t want any of this to fuck up.

“Today would b-be about Pride and Prejudice.” You start. You feel your hands shaking and you knew it wasn’t normal. But you continue anyway. “So to give an overview, this novel… um… written by Jane Austen is about a family with five siblings who was raised with a purpose to find rich husbands… and one of them named Elizabeth indeed f-found a p-proud gentleman Mr. Darcy and this in turn starts a blooming relationship between the two…uhm.” You have to be perfect. Everything about you should be. You could hear your mother’s voice inside your head.

You look at the crowd silently listening to you. You were totally out of focus and you could feel your sweat trickling down. All you could think of right now is how to not fuck this up without Hoseok. You needed to be perfect. “So, to start with the characters, we have Elizabeth Bennet…” You try to deliver as much as you could for the first half of characters however you begin to feel dizziness on the second half of the presentation. “Ms. Choi are you alright?” The professor asks. You are a shame! Why can’t you do anything right?! You hear it again. You suddenly felt so small. It’s true that there was never a time you did something right, everything was always wrong.

“Y-yeah. Just give me a minute to—”

You hear the door slide open and saw someone come in. You’re thankful that the person just took the attention away. Because you were totally blanked out, you can’t even remember what you were talking about, and all information stored from your previous studying gone. You could hear someone’s voice talk to you, it was Hoseok’s but you can’t really tell because everything just so blurry, even the sounds seemed incoherent to you.

“…and so that wraps up our presentation.” He says. It was definitely Hoseok, you could now tell. You don’t know what’s happening still, but you felt like you couldn’t take the atmosphere inside. “E-excuse me for a moment.” Then you ran out as fast as you can.

You reach to the library and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You try to find your way to your haven with everything blurring out, but you still manage to do so. You don’t understand why this was happening. You feel tears run down your cheeks.

You could hear another set of footsteps nearing but you couldn’t care less, you just want yourself cooped up in a place no one can find you.

“y/n!” Whilst finally getting inside the corner, you felt an arm grab you. The voice was too familiar and comforting it just wanted to make your tears fall faster. “y/n…”

“Why? Why?!! I just wanted everything to go perfectly!” You shout as you start sobbing. “Why can’t anything go perfectly like the way I want it? Like the way she wants me to be?” You look up to the person holding you. “I just want to make her proud of me. I just wanted to be the daughter she wants me to be, yet I fuck everything up!”

Then everything dawns you. No matter how hard you try to resist it, your family has planted that seed in you, the reason why you were always so scared and that you can’t even speak yourself no matter how you tried.

You were sobbing so hard, you didn’t even notice how shallow your breathing was already. You felt numb all over and it seems like you have a hard time breathing. You were having a panic attack since earlier in the room. He noticed this too.

“Shh. Hey. y/n. Breathe with me okay? Please.” You try to. You can feel him caressing you as he breathes slowly and deeply. You follow him as best as you can until you have slowly calmed yourself down. Your vision was slowly returning, but still blurry from the tears.

“Hey…you alright?” He palms your cheeks. You can vividly tell now that it was him. “Hoseok…” You say crying. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You repeat it over again. You don’t know what you are apologizing for, may it be breaking down in front of him or the fact that you hurt his feelings, maybe both. But you did it anyway.

“I-I’m gonna be fine now.” You say a few minutes later as you try to get up and wipe your tears away, act as if nothing happened at all. “y/n…” He calls you and you can’t manage to stop tears falling when you hear it. “Hoseok-ah. I’m sorry for being so fucked up. I know I don’t deserve your help.” You wipe your tears away. “Thank you as well, for being there when nobody can…”

You try to stand up straight, trying to wipe out that weakness you felt. “I w-won’t bother you anymore so, you can stop coming here… or I can stop coming here—”

“y/n.” He calls again but you don’t listen.

“and thank you also… for today.” You compose yourself before turning away. You feel your arms being pulled back. “y/n!”

You turn your head looking a little bit furious. You didn’t want to show how weak you were anymore.

“what are you gonna do? Go back out there in that state?”

“I can manage myself Hoseok.”

“can you please try and look at yourself y/n? You’re not in the right state to be there.”

“I can be—”

“Y/N!” You flinch when he raises his voice.

“You know what, you know what I see?” You remain quiet.

“You’re selling this idea of who you think you need to be. That’s what i see y/n” and it hit you straight like a bullet. You felt furious. You hear the walls you built around you crash. And you are angry because no one had ever gone pass those high walls you built. Not until you met Hoseok. And what’s worse is that you are angry because everything he said was true. Those were only few words but they were the only honest ones that stripped your soul naked.

“Aren’t you exhausted?” He asks, and then again, you feel hot tears streaming down your face again. You never cried as many times and as hard as this in front of anyone.

All your life you’ve trained yourself never to cry in front of anyone and you’ve always been successful with it. You’ve decided that not in your lifetime will you show a soul your weakness. But this man standing in front of you defies everything you’ve set up for your life. You find yourself looking down the floor, unable to hold back the sobs coming out. “I am.” You say finally admitting. “I’m exhausted. And i’m really tired.” And at that point you break crouching down to the floor hugging your knees like it’s the only way to protect yourself from the feeling of nudity, of transparency.

You feel him crouching to your level as well then hands on both shoulders, giving it a light squeeze. “Y/n. Look at me. Hey” You don’t do it at first ashamed of your reaction. You were so new to vulnerability and you didn’t know what to do. Not until the second time he called you when you slowly lift your head to look at him.

“Let’s make it better alright? We can do it slowly. One step at a time.”

“I’ve wronged you Hoseok.”

“You did. But let me ask you one thing. Did you mean anything you said back then? Did you really just—use me?” You could feel that he was hesitant to ask but you knew this was the time to finally explain and tell him that you meant none of it.

“No. No Hoseok-ah. I was just really scared and I can’t tell you a better reason.”

“Then, thank you for being honest. I’m not saying I’m not mad.” He says, and you drop your head again guilt still wrapping you up.

“I’m angry so you have to make it up to me.” He brings your head up again by moving his hands to both cheeks squishing it lightly causing him to smile. Right then you decided you’ll do anything to see that smile. He brings your forehead closer to his. “I’ll make it up to you, I-I promise.” He smiles wider and brings his lips to your forehead and gave it a kiss.

Your parents were scheduled to come to your university three days after. Somehow you were not as anxious as you always would be. The thing you felt was somehow foreign, like you were still yourself, but your mind was a lot clearer. You couldn’t explain it.

You were still walking alongside your mother, smiling at the people around, when one of the board members approached you and your parents. “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Choi, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He turns to you and smiles as well “oh and the lovely Ms. Y/n here. How lovely to see such a fine woman.”

Your mother gives him the most pleasing smile. “Of course, Mr. Park. She learns from the best.” You almost snort at her statement, but you stay composed.

“Well, well Ms. y/n, you most would certainly follow the footsteps of your mother.” Something within irked you to deny, because you didn’t really want to follow her. She was one woman you don’t want to be. “Is there any hobby you have Ms. y/n?” He suddenly asks but you mother was quick to answer.

“She plays the piano. She loves it.” Your mother chuckles sweetly. This time you did not stop the urge to speak “Dancing. I love to dance.” Both your parents were astounded by your sudden intrusion.

Mr. Park hums. “Really now, you know you should meet my son, he loves to dance. He and his friends are into music so much sometimes I wonder why they aren’t pursuing to be an artist!” He laughs, and you smile. You envy his son because he didn’t have such controlling parents. “So are you planning to be one now, Ms. y/n?” He asks and you glance at your parents, giving you a warning look not to speak.

Then you realize it. You can never be the perfect daughter too them, never will be. “I would like to own a dance school.” You felt relief, you didn’t know you could actually speak out. You never felt stronger than you were before. “I- I also want to be a doctor.” You felt so proud of yourself, you couldn’t care anymore how your parents looked at you.

“Oh, so you wouldn’t be following your mother’s footsteps of taking over the company?” You smile and shake your head. “I’m afraid that would be the case, sir.”

“Mr. Park, I think it’s time we should go along, the board must be waiting.” Your mother cuts you off, giving you the coldest glance. Maybe you would have wavered before and you admit, there’s still some kind of fear left but it doesn’t really get you like it always does anymore.

So when she meets up with you again in one of the private rooms with a slap across your cheek, you remain unfazed, you were overly familiar with the setting.

“Why can’t you be better?!” You remain silent. “For once y/n! try to listen! You never do!” You scoff at the accusation.

“Listen? Really mother? All I did, ever since I was a child was to do as I was told. To become the perfect little daughter you and father can use to your advantage. I’ve don EVERYTHING mother.” You pause, gave yourself a moment to deep breath to compose yourself. “But guess what, that perfect little daughter of yours is gone now. And you should learn to deal with it. If you can’t, better find some other robot doll that would suit your taste.” She was speechless and it was a good thing because you had a chance to walk away then.

“now, if you’ll excuse me, I still have some important things to do.”

You go out to find your friends. You had to clear everything up with them. You had to tell them what you and Hoseok had. They were your friends so they would be accepting. You knew Mia was in one of the locker rooms. It would be about time she finished. A you went inside the locker room you could faintly hear two people talking.

As you went closer you see Mia, her back turning on you and a guy…Hyunwoo? She was pinning him on the counter and you could see his hands on her waist. It was an intimate position, not something friends would do. But it wasn’t them that confused and surprised you.

“You think she’s really lost it huh?” You hear Hyunwoo speak as she noses Mia on her neck. You wonder why Mia never told you.

“She can lose herself all she wants, I don’t care. I never did.” You felt a pang of betrayal, but you couldn’t just jump into assumptions. You slowly went closer to where they were, still unsuspicious that you were around.

“Did you see how she froze back there? It was hilarious.” She laughed. As Hyunwoo continues to kiss her neck, both obviously starting to get aroused, you wanted to get the hell out, but you know you couldn’t now that it was obvious who they were talking about.

Hyunwoo chuckles as he shifts their position, him pinning Mia on the counter. “Then why don’t you just, you know, drop her out. She can be with that geeky weirdo and you can have your throne.”

“Not yet. That bitch is a tough weed.” You can hear her snob. “If I could, I would’ve thrown that useless piece of shit a long time ago.” You felt yourself heat up from the anger. Out of all your friends, it was Mia who could do this.

First, you couldn’t understand why. You remember being the only one there when she was pit bottom, when there was no one there to save her. And despite the change you saw in her when she got up the ladder, you never once thought of dropping her. Yet there she was willing to do so.

You tried to think of a way not to lash out. You try to get yourself together even with all the shit you’ve heard. This was gonna be the last time you’ll use this act, you promise yourself. Once more you straighten up and plaster that unreadable look on your face before knocking on the locker beside you.

“Really, Mia? that’s all you’ve got? I expected better from you.” Both immediately turned their heads to your direction, clearly surprised.

“Y-y/n…” She tries to smile sweetly, and you suddenly felt like barfing. “Ew. Cut the crap Mia. It doesn’t suit you.” You scrunch your face. “oh… I’m sorry to bust your little plan of what was that again, using me?” You slowly approach her folding your arms to your chest.

“You know what, I thought I should be furious. But now looking at you…” You look at her judgingly from head to toe. “I just really feel sorry for you and your pathetic life…” She grew furious with those words, you knew you hit the button when her expression changed drastically. Just something you hoped.

“Huh! Really y/n?! of all people, YOU would say that? How ironic!” you only snob at the comment. She tries to cover the uneasiness, but you knew for a fact that she was nowhere near calm. It reeked so heavily around her.

“I would’ve played with this for a little longer Mia. But I just really feel sorry for you right now. You know why?” You stepped closer crouching down lower from your level, Hyunwoo was now on the side, being a coward. “Because you and your pitiful self spent years, to kiss my ass, just to get your throne.” You throw your words like venom. “Now you’re gonna watch your plans waver like dust. Tsk. Poor you, Mia.”

“You’re not ruining my plans.” She warns. You can’t help but snort at her before getting up on your level. “Watch me, bitch.” You smile before walking away. You never felt so relieved, like a big bold of rock was lifted off your shoulder. You knew you’d be out from all their lives in an instant, but you couldn’t care less. The only thing you thought was to find your geeky weirdo.

By the time you found him, the sun was almost setting. You were still far from where he was at, but you can already tell. What you found odd though, was the fact that he was surrounded by a group of guys. You couldn’t see clearly what they were doing and most especially with Hoseok with his back turned. But you were sure he was looking down, scratching his head, and you see the others laughing. Your protective instinct suddenly warns you that he was being ganged up and you wanted nothing more but to get him away from there. You couldn’t just leave him there, especially one you see one of them kay a hand on his shoulder as if acting like they were friends.

You knew people like that so well, because you came from that group of people. But you can’t allow yourself to be one when you decided to make things right. So you ran towards their direction to pull a stunt… maybe, or just get him out of those jerks.

“What the hell are you doing??” You shout from behind gaining the attention from all of them and Hoseok too.

“uhhh---” One of them tried to speak but you didn’t want to hear any of it. You knew it would just be a dumb excuse.

“You know what you guys, you could find other people to pick on, but not Hoseok.” You tell them sternly. Everyone seemed amused at the statement. They couldn’t even say anything huh? Maybe people really found your boiling temper scary that they can’t even speak. You felt so proud of yourself.

“Y-y/n…” Hoseok starts. One of them clears his throat. “and may we know who you are miss?” He asks, and you could see the faint grin he tries to stop. You felt a little bit insulted, but you didn’t wanna back out. So you charged on blurting out the words didn’t expect would come out. “I’m his girlfriend!” Then there was silence. You thought maybe they were rethinking their actions.

“S-so… if I see you near him again, y-you’ll see.” You try to threaten, although it was clear how scared you were, but you did it anyway.

You grab Hoseok’s hand and hurriedly walk away from the vicinity towards the opposite direction.

You didn’t know where you were going when you lead him away. You were now walking along the sidewalk with you still holding his hand when you realize he was quiet for the whole time, so you stop to face him. It confuses you how unbothered he was. Like, he was just smiling at you.

“u-uhm, are you alright?”

“hmmm. I guess.” He shrugs.

“Look I know I’m not the one to say this but, you really don’t deserve to be treated like shit. No one does.” You look down feeling guilty of all the things you’ve done in the past. “S-so yeah.”

“Y/n…” You look at him and He smiles so softly, his eyes full of adoration and empathy.

You were so caught up in the middle of it and you don’t notice a car rushing towards you so when it passed by, the puddle beside you splashed so hard everything on your side got wet.

“What the hell…” You sigh.

“Sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry?”

“Well you wouldn’t drag me to here if I just---”

“Hey. You didn’t plan to be dragged here on purpose so it’s fine.” You look at his clothes wet from the sudden impact as well. “Ugh. Cars should have alarms for puddles too.” You say as you try to wipe off the excess stain.

“If you don’t mind, uhm… my apartment is nearby... I could give you a change of clothes… so we could wash the dirty ones.” He offers.

“That would be really great. I can’t really go home like this.”

Xxxxxxxx

You envied his apartment. It was a lot smaller than your mansion, but at least it was a tad homey then your so-called home. You look around while he was getting a change of clothes.

You look at the picture frames and you see a variety of him in different poses with different people one was when he was probably a kid with his mom, the other was an older version with his sister, his pictures when he graduated middle school and high school, and another one with a younger version with and 6 other guys.

So he did have friends. You thought. They looked really close and youthful. You could sense the playfulness in their expression and when you look at Hoseok, you see that he had the same smile he always had ever since you met.

One thing you noticed though, is that not one of his pictures did he wear glasses, and the picture with his friends… they looked awfully---

“y/n. hey. Uh, here.” You turn around facing him and he was already holding towel and clothes. “You can use the bath first. I’ve prepared it for you.”

“Thanks.” You smile before turning in.

When it was his turn to bathe, you looked idly sat on his couch for minutes before deciding to get up and do something, maybe stretch, look around some more. But when there was nothing left to do, you proceed to go to his kitchen, and you see dishes still stacked unwashed. You thought maybe you could be of help.

Before washing the dishes, you decide to just take of the shorts he gave as it was so big and would always slip down. Anyway, you still had your own mini- short you used under your skirt that wasn’t stained, so you used it instead.

You were quite enjoying the chore and you didn’t notice Hosoek emerging from the bathroom. You couldn’t see him staring since you were too focused on the dishes. You continue to hum to your music and would sometimes sway to the rhythm.

You were still very oblivious to the situation until you turn around. It surprised you how he was suddenly so close. Only inches apart. You could smell the shampoo and soap he used and… he was half naked and dripping.

“H-Hoseok. I hope you don’t mind, I washed…” You look at him and you couldn’t help but feel weak on the legs. A tightening heat you feel inside starting to burn as well. His eyes were dark, he had no specs on yet you sense that he could see you clearly.

“Hoseok-ah..” You didn’t mean it to come out as soft. He steps closer, and now you can feel the heat emitting from your bodies. You could feel his breath ghost against your skin.

“I’m never the type to lose control y/n-ah…but you’re making it so difficult for me.” Somehow that statement gave you that sense of confidence to probe him. You feel hazy, yet one thing you know is that you know you wanted this as much as he stops himself, and you just want him to let go of it.

Your hand was still wet and full of fizz, yet it didn’t stop you from snaking it up from his chest to his cheek. “Why are you stopping yourself then?” Your tone was luscious, and you can feel him slightly tensing from it. You soothe his damp hair with your fingers and he was clearly enjoying the sensation.

Before you know it, he was already closing the gap between you two, holding you by the waist with your back against the kitchen counter. You titled your head to the side to give him more access to the kiss. Unlike the first time this was less innocent, yet a lot more passionate. You felt your hands against his hard muscle, travelling down his abs until you found yourself going lower, palming his crotch. He was now groaning clearly aroused by what you did. You hitched when you felt his lips on your nape, suckling on it gently.

His hands traveled downwards until it reached the hem of the shirt you wore and lifted it up, making sure his fingers would graze on your thighs, until he reached higher to the sides of your waist, caressing it gently. You hummed at the sensation “Good?” You nod. He kisses you again, sucking at your bottom lip, and you could feel him unclasping your bra, and starting palming at your breasts.

“H-Hseok… Please…” You sigh at the sensation he is giving. You were just starting yet you can already feel how wet you were.

“Hmm.Yes baby?” His voice was deep and husky and it just added to the feeling you had down there.

“I-ah- I need you… please…” You hitch as he plays with your nipples alternately, still sucking on your neck. You just wanted to feel him, all of him. Without wasting time, he lifts you up your legs on the either side of his hips as he leads you to his bedroom. You made sure to grind on his hardening cock causing the towel wrapped around him to fall.

He was hovering over you as he dropped you to the bed. He looks at you his eyes hooded now and full of lust, and roam our eyes on his body and drink the site of him being so lean and built. You never expected someone like him could look this gorgeous. He gently lifts your shirt up and you are now left with your underwear.

He gently trails kisses starting from your lips, to your throat, down to your breasts, licking and playing with it, and you hitch your breath when you felt it being so sensitive. He traveled his tongue down to suck spots on your stomach before placing his hands on the hem of your panty.

“So wet for me baby aren’t you.” He teases as he palms your wetness through the fabric. You can’t miss the nickname which just add to the arousal. “Yeah..ah- so please.. Hoseok-ah.” With that, he finally slides them off and he groaned looking at how you were dripping for him. You felt a little shy so you closed your legs and stopped you before you do. “Don’t you dare close them y/n.” You whine at the sudden dominance, and he knows you like it and he smirks at that.

“Hoseok… I think I can’t wait anymore…”

“What do you want baby?”

“Please fuck me…” He gvies you another smirk. “Of course. But let me taste you.” He leans down his head to your heat and licks you folds before finally diving in. You were now a moaning mess. You could feel his tongue dip into your core before sliding up to your clit, giving it a nice little tease before sucking on it.

“Hoseok-ah!!” a moan escapes your mouth and you can’t help but thrust hips forward. When he starts to insert his fingers, you felt completely out of it. You were moaning his name over and over, especially when he hits the spot inside you.

“H-hoseok, I’m gonna, hah!” Your breathing was becoming erratic until he stopped. He went back up to kiss you not caring that you could taste yourself.

“You fucking drive me insane y/n. you know that?” You couldn’t respond as you are too high to do so. He lifts one of your leg up to his shoulders as he lines himself up to your entrance. “Tell me to stop if you need to. Although I don’t think I would find the strength to be able to.” He said honestly. You lift your hands to his cheek. “I don’t think I would want you to stop either.” And with that he goes in, slowly and gently. He groans at your tightness and you moan, feeling so pleasured by the size of his cock fitting your tight hole.

He starts at a slow pace at first and you could feel yourself hitching at every move. He buries his head between your neck and shoulders, sometimes giving it gentle kisses as he rocks into you harder at a faster pace. “Ah! Hoseokie. Please more. I need more.”

And so he does, thrusting his hips in a relentless pace, you could hear the slapping of your skin against his. He moved his hand on the headboard as he tries to steady himself as he thrusts hard.

“F-fuck. You’re so beautiful.” You moan his name like a mantra begging him not to stop to fill you up.

“Hoseok, I-I’m gonna—ah!” You came. Hard against his cock still thrusting you.

“Don’t stop.” You beg even when you felt somewhat overstimulated already.

“A-are you sure?”

“Yes. Please Hoseok.” So he does do as he’s told. Thrusting inside you at an unforgiving pace. You can hear him hitch and it was clear that he was close. He did a few more deep thrusts before milking his way inside you. He collapses on top of your before rolling to the side, afraid his weight might hurt you.

You both pant heavily getting down from the high before he got up to the bathroom and came back if a warm damp cloth to clean both of you and throwing it to the side of the room. He then went to lie down beside you as you scoot to his chest feeling the warmth you’ve been longing for. You immediately relax to the feeling of his heartbeat as he gently sooth your locks.

“What you said earlier, me being your boyrfriend…” I lifted my head to look at him. “I-I know I didn’t have any right. I’m sorry--.”

“Do you want to?”

“huh?”

“Me, to be your boyrfriend…I mean officially…” He asks. You smile at the shyness. You can’t believe this shy guy was also the one who just fucked you senseless.

“only if you make me your girlfriend too.” He grins as he hugs you tight.

“Okay, girlfriend.”

You wake up to the feeling of a chest pressed against your back and one arm holding you tightly around your waist, his head tucked against yours and you could feel his breath ghosting against your neck. This was probably one your favorite mornings.

You gently stir to face him, making sure your legs are still tangled under the sheets. You tuck you hand under your head to the side as you slowly drink the sight of him, tracing his features. You couldn’t help but smile at how the slow shines on him so softly, how it perfectly it suits him.

“Is this gonna be a thing now? You watching me until I wake up?” He suddenly speaks startling you a little.

“I guess. Is this gonna be our thing now then? You pretending to be asleep while I watch you?” He only chuckles and oh god, that was probably one of the most melodic ones you heard, plus the fact that it gave off that huskiness. When will you be ever to get over that? You mentally ask yourself.

“You have class in the morning right?” You only nod, not really wanting to get up from this little sanctuary you have but you know you will have to eventually.

“wanna have some quick breakfast before you go?” He asks while drawing circles on your back. You nod giving him a quick kiss before he dresses up to go to the kitchen. Then remain rolling yourself on the sheets not caring that you’re still naked feeling so full. So this was what butterflies felt like. You thought it wasn’t so bad at all.

By the time you emerge from the room after taking a quick shower, breakfast was already done, bacon and omelet served on the table. You decide not to come up yet. You lean your body against the doorframe as you watch him make coffee for both of you.

You don’t know if it was site of him making coffee or the disheveled look he had while making it that gave you butterflies. After a few more minutes of mental appreciation, you maneuver yourself towards him, sliding your arms in between his waist.

“That really smells good.” He jolts a little surprised by your sudden entrance but relaxes soon realizing who it was. He turns himself around in your arms and leans down to give you a peck on the lips. “hmmm. Go eat. Or you’ll be late.” You wonder if this was how being domestic felt like. You’ve only seen them in movies so you never knew.

“Don’t you have a class too?” You ask slowly detangling yourself from him and went to stuff yourself with food.

“Nope. I don’t have class until 11.” He answers placing your coffee down. You only hum and continue to eat your food.

“I’ll see you when I get there?” He carefully asks sitting down to grab some eggs.

“Hmm yeah. I’m free the whole day anyways. Except for class.” You tell him as you munch your food. “wow this is really good. I should hire you as my chef.” He chuckles at the comment but somehow he wonders why you were free?

“How about your friends? No plans with then?” You suddenly stop eating. “I-yeah.. uhm.. You know when they say ‘friendship over’?” You try to give him a hint. He seems shocked by the sudden news.

“Why? Did something happen?” He asks, worried. “Yeah, well apparently I heard Mia talking shit about me in the locker room with Hyunwoo..” You shrug. “Well, figured the others were probably just the same.” He gently grabs your hand, giving it a little squeeze. “You alright?” You give him a reassuring smile.

“Yeah. I actually told her to fuck off.”

“That’s my girl.” He says proudly as he ruffles your hair.

Even if you’ve been there yesterday, going to school felt new. Maybe because you were going in that campus as a different person. Maybe because you knew you couldn’t care less of that title they gave you anymore, and maybe because you didn’t give a fuck walking alone without those who tail behind. But nevertheless, you just felt good…and lighter.

People still greeted you and complemented you on hallways and they sure noticed how you changed, greeting them back with glee.

After class, you went to find Hoseok as he is probably already in school campus.

To: Hoseokie

Where u rn?

From: Hoseokie

…

Around. 😉

You were still walking on the hallways looking down at your phone, when you hear some students pass by.

“Oh my gosh. Have you heard?! Mr. Park’s son is gonna visit campus!” One girl exclaimed.

“His friends were coming too! I’m so excited!” They squeal together. “I heard they are really popular in the university they go to! Like really really popular!”

“What? I heard one was attending this school and I never heard about him.”

“He’s probably in a different department…”

Their voices fade as you pass by still at your phone, trying to ask your man where he’s at when you bumped into someone.

“Look who’s here.” You look up to see Mia and all your now ex-friends.

“You need something? I’m quite busy here as you can see.” You held out your phone unbothered by the intimidation they’re trying to give you.

“Can’t you see, I’m gonna be queen no y/n.” You roll your eyes amused by her. “what, you were really serious?” You laugh sarcastically. “Alright, go ahead you have it. But I’ll give you an advice.” You move a little closer. “Try to go green. You know, as ‘queen’, save mother earth.” She was baffled, you smile expecting the reaction.

“Since, we’re trying to save it from pollution, right? The earth doesn’t need plastic trashes like all of you. So… that’s what I’m trying to say.” Everyone especially her was furious.

“You know what y/n, you can live with your pathetic and lonely life.” She spits and you can’t believe how unbothered you were. “Right now you’re just a stupid ass bitch alone---”

“y/n” You can hear Hoseok shout your name and you were relieved that you can finally go now. “Finally. I’ve been looking all over—” You turn around and it confused you that you don’t see Hoseok anywhere, only 7 men standing in front of you, everyone of them seemed really familiar you thought you have met them somewhere…

And there he was, Hoseok standing in front of you. You do a double check and indeed it was him, just that there were no rims anymore, and oh gosh his hair was now flipped to one side exposing his forehead. He was wearing light shades which he took off eventually.

“Wow.” Was all you could say. He laughs as he went near to pull you by your waist. “You like it? My look?” You were speechless at first but then you realize soon what this really was. You suddenly throw a fist on his chest playfully. “You ass!” He only laughs. “How? Why?”

“I just thought I should play it cool for the first few weeks.” He shrugs.

“I’m mad. You didn’t even tell me.” But of course you weren’t. he must have had his reasons.

“Sorry baby.” He kisses your forehead. You look behind him to see his friends smiling knowingly. A few moments you realize why they looked so familiar. They were at the school grounds once, with Hoseok. They were probably just talking when you suddenly pulled your dragon at them.

You wanted the ground to just eat you. They move towards you and Hoseok, smiling when they noticed your embarrassment.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday.” You bow down.

“She’s cute.” One comments as you get up and look down on your feet.

“You got a good one Hoseok-ah.” One with slightly deeper voice said.

It was a matter of time before your boyfriend intervened. “Hey guys. You’re scaring her. Stop it.” He tells them playfully. “y/n. They’re my friends. Let me introduce them.” And so he does one by one. Starting from Yoongi, the quiet one, Jin, with prince-like features, Namjoon the one with towering height, Jimin, the Director’s son, Taehyung with the boxy smile and Jungkook who looks exactly like a bunny. No wonder why those girls were screaming, they were indeed really handsome, each having their unique features.

And of course there’s Hoseok. You turn to him pouting. He smiles at how adorable you looked.

“I’m kind of getting hungry. How about we get lunch first before visiting uncle?” Everyone agrees.

As you pass by, you see Mia in awe and the other girls running to the guys. Apparently, they were just ignored.

xxxxx

As the day ceased, you and Hoseok both find yourselves in the dance studio, somewhat worn out from the dance routine you did. You were leaning against his chest on the couch with both your legs dangling above his. “This is nice.” You say closing your eyes. He hums tracing circles on your back. “How are you feeling? After… you know, everything?”

You smile, “Better than ever.” You assure him. You have never felt so strong like you are now. You knew you still had a lot to learn, and face but at least now you can take them head on. You know that you have now been stripped naked from all pretentions, but there’s no other way you’d choose to gain your freedom.

“Another round?” You take his hand.

“Let’s get it on”

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ursae-minoris-world · 6 years

Photo

I have that comment in my AO3 inbox and I’m still reflecting on how to answer it, and if I might actually update this (and how). I’d actually be interested to hear some input by fellow fanfic writers or by readers.

Now, hear me out before you roll your eyes and rant about entitled readers - I know this is something fanfic writers complain about quite a lot, but this is not the usual situation. This is not an ongoing mutichapter fic. I don’t have any of those.

This is a comment on Just a Call. It is complete. And to be honest, my first reaction to this comment was to cackle like a Disney villain (I’ll explain why later).

It also confirmed what I suspected when I saw a bunch of people subscribing to this fic. Now, it’s not my only completed fic that got subscriptions, to the point that it confused me at first, and I asked why people where doing that and turns out the reasons can be quite varied. But yeah, it seems to confirm that at least some of these subscribers hoped for, or even expected, a follow-up.

So I’m honestly torn between telling them there will be no update and the fic is complete like that, or actually considering an update.

Now, before I get into more explanations about my dilemma, I’m putting the rest under a cut, as I will discuss about how this fic ends. So, in case anyone doesn’t want to get spoiled, I’m putting the rest under a read more.

So, here’s the thing. This fic is designed to be frustrating. As in : if I printed out the fic, gave it to someone to read, and that person, when they finished the story, would grunt, crumple the paper into a ball and angrily toss it away, I would laugh and consider my job done ! I guess I’m not very kind to my readers, sometimes. This is why my first reaction to this comment was to chuckle.

It was all about those times when we want to keep contact with friends and we don’t because of lack of time or we feel unnecessarily awkward and stuff. And the more time passes, the more awkward it gets. Usually, you end up seeing each other again, and both sides admit they wanted to contact the other but somehow failed, you laugh at how stupid you were, and keep better in contact (or... the friendship does end up dying in worse case scenarios, but I guess sometimes that was just meant to be). I know it’s happened to me more than once, and I know others too who have had that experience. So, the call was never meant to happen !

It was my way of dealing with the gap that was growing between Keith and the team in s4-5, which was quite upsetting to me at the time lol. I was meant as “yeah sometimes that happens and it doesn’t mean they don’t care for each other !”.

But then in s6, canon seemed to imply that the team and Keith did keep contact. And I thought “hey, maybe I could make a follow up ! ” I’m not entirely sure how I would write it, though, but it would make a “good feeling” ending to this story I guess. But I’m not sure how to handle this, as it might be disappointing to readers...

- the ones who actually enjoyed the story with it’s frustrating end !

- the ones who want a follow up, but in an AU where Keith and the Garrison trio find out about operation Kuron and find a way to “fix things”. Which might be most of the subscribers. But I’m not interested in telling that story. If I make a call happen, they’ll just get in contact again, cheer each other up a bit, and not really get what’s wrong with Shiro.

So far, I’m not sure, but I’m considering maybe making a short follow up as a separated fic and just update this one with a chapter explaining that there is a follow up for those who would be interested in seeing the call happening, and people can go read it or not (so that subscribers know there is a follow up, but people who enjoyed the fic as it is can keep it the way it is ; and people who enjoyed the first part but don’t lile the second one can just keep the first one a a stand alone). I’m not sure yet. Has anyone been in that situation, as a writer or reader ? What would you advise ?

#mood #fanfiction #my stuff

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whatilearnedatlifetoday · 7 years

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An Assault With a View

During college, I worked at a fish cannery in Alaska for two summers in order to pay for my room and board. I met some pretty incredible people, carried my ILWU card with pride, and enjoyed our few days off exploring a beautiful natural wonderland decorated with moose and glacial lakes. I met Norwegian machinists, burnt-out political scientists, former Navy Seals, poet fishermen, Stanford graduate students, and career factory-workers.

I was also sexually assaulted at knifepoint.

Before we descend into classist assumptions—that sexual assaults only occur in low-class places like factories—let me assure you that places like NYC's Financial District are no slouch in that department. I'm sharing this particular story because this was an assault with a view.

It was about six weeks into the canning season, and workers on the line unexpectedly had an afternoon off owing to the lack of fish that had made it back to dock. No sense in paying people just to stand around. My then-boyfriend's roommate suggested that we go for a hike as a spur of the moment decision (spoiler alert: it wasn't a spur of the moment decision for him). I knew he was a seasoned hiker and tracker who had scoped out the region pretty extensively, so I eagerly agreed, and we set off.

The hike was awesome! It wended along the tundra into more and more remote areas. Alaska, after all, is a place of surpassing beauty. We encountered bear tracks at one point, which he noted were less than a few hours old. They were the only signs of life besides our own. He brought us to a little overlook with a few sitting stones and suggested we take a rest.

And that's when he pulled out the huge hunting knife concealed in his boot. He picked up a piece of wood off the ground, whittled away at it for a few seconds, then looked up at me and proceeded to tell me in no uncertain terms how much he was attracted to me. He then described in graphic detail the things he wanted to do to my body, all the while fingering his knife. I suddenly felt trapped in a thriller movie I would never actually watch, because thrillers terrify me. And so did this one.

I looked up and around at our surroundings. Not a soul in sight. Had he actually planned this? No one knew where we were; no one knew we were hiking together; no one would hear me scream. I felt like a complete idiot for trusting him and not telling anyone where I was going or with whom. I remember looking out over the tundra and thinking to myself, "I am going to die here." The fact that death was an inevitability and not a question somehow calmed me. I was not in control; I was already dead.

[Edit: I want to be clear that this was not rape, and there was actually little contact. The knife, the location, and the verbal threat were the most terrifying elements.] Somehow in there he was swayed that he should tend to his honor and that of his roommate and friend. I can't remember all that I said, but he sheathed the knife back in his boot and suggested we walk back. Weirdly, fear returned at that point. I let him hold my hand the entire way back, all the while afraid he would feel how fast my pulse was. But we made it back. I thanked him for the great hike (I know), and went back to my room to cry.

I never mentioned what happened to my then-boyfriend, nor anyone in the cannery. I hung out with my boyfriend, my assaulter, and all his friends until we were sent home at end of season. And even then, he sat right behind me in the puddle-jumper to Anchorage. I didn't breathe normally until the doors closed on the plane from Seattle to Portland.

Why didn't I report it? My supervisor had already decided I was a troublemaker, because I had had the gall to ask for a job that paid better on a different crew and had then complained when my boss declined my request because "that was a man's job." So much for my belief that we lived in a post-sexist word. Reporting to cannery leadership would have been dismissed and then leaked back to my assaulter. Dumping my then-boyfriend in order to avoid his roommate would have gone even worse.

Why am I sharing this? It’s been amazing to me that so many people—mostly men—are shocked at how prevalent sexual harassment and assault are in our society. The stories bound by #metoo are standard, not deviations, from society’s sexist norms. That needs to change.

What I learned at life that day: Sexism is alive and thriving. Always leave a note or tell a friend where you're going. In the toughest moments, remember to breathe. And other people's awful decisions are not your fault (that one is an ongoing journey).

#metoo

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gordonwilliamsweb · 4 years

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Two Navajo Sisters Who Were Inseparable Died of COVID Just Weeks Apart

Cheryl and Corrina Thinn were almost joined at the hip. The sisters, both members of the Navajo Nation, shared an office at Arizona’s Tuba City Regional Health Care. Cheryl conducted reviews to make sure patients were receiving adequate care. Corrina was a social worker. Their desks were just inches apart.

They lived together, with their mother, Mary Thinn. They helped raise each other’s children.

And they died just weeks apart, at ages 40 and 44, after falling ill with COVID-19.

Close friend Lynette Goldtooth, a registered nurse and case manager, won’t go near the area of the hospital where they worked, knowing she’ll break down if she sees their empty seats.

“That’s where I used to go to see Corrina every morning,” Goldtooth said. “I used to sit in Cheryl’s chair. Corrina and I would just start talking, catch up on what we did during our time off, laugh and joke.”

Cheryl and Corrina are among hundreds of U.S. health care workers who died after helping patients battle the virus. The Guardian and KHN are investigating more than 1,000 of these workers’ deaths in the Lost on the Frontline project.

The Navajo Nation was ravaged by COVID-19 this spring. In May, it reported the highest per capita infection rate in the United States. As of Aug. 21, the sisters were among 489 members of the reservation who had died of the virus, according to the Navajo Department of Health.

Experts attributed the spread to the prevalence of multigenerational housing and poor sanitation infrastructure — many homes lack running water. Like medical centers across the country, local hospitals across the Navajo Nation experienced shortages of personal protective gear.

In early March, Corrina, without personal protective equipment, saw a patient who was showing symptoms of COVID-19, according to her sister Chris. Corrina made sure the patient was comfortable and asked what else she could do to help. A couple of days later, that patient died, and a test for COVID-19 came back positive.

“Within days after that, she got sick really fast,” Chris said.

The sisters’ employer declined to comment for this story.

Corrina’s first concern was for Cheryl, who started showing symptoms of the virus around the same time that she did. Cheryl’s job as a utilization review technician required face-to-face interaction with patients to verify their insurance and discuss workers’ compensation. She had underlying health conditions, including rheumatoid arthritis.

“Corrina worked with people with RA when she was on Pima reservation, so she knows the effects of having it,” Mary, her mother, said. “I think that’s what worried her the most, because she thought it might make [Cheryl’s] immune system weaker.”

Chris remembers calling Cheryl on her 40th birthday, March 19. Cheryl joked about how, as the baby of the four siblings, she was “still young and pretty.” But she also complained that it was difficult for her to breathe. She was admitted to the Tuba City hospital the next day.

Corrina’s condition worsened as well, and she checked herself into the emergency room at Tuba City on March 21. Hospital staff tried assisted-breathing treatments on her, to no avail.

Cheryl was airlifted to Flagstaff Medical Center on March 24. She never knew that Corrina was briefly in the hospital with her.

Corrina was airlifted to Banner Thunderbird Medical Center in Glendale later that night.

Chris said that the last time she spoke with Corrina, she was still in the ER. “She just messaged us saying she was going to get flown out, that she loves us and that she was going to be back,” Chris said. “That was the last time we heard from her.”

Because of shortages, the sisters weren’t tested for COVID-19 until they were transferred out of Tuba City. They both tested positive and were then intubated at their respective hospitals. Cheryl died on April 11, and no family members were allowed to be with her.

“I couldn’t even hold my baby,” her mother said. “I couldn’t even hold her hand when she passed.”

The family had a small service before burying Cheryl next to their father, Navajo Police Sgt. Jimmie Thinn Sr., and Cheryl’s ex-husband, who died in January. Even after their marriage ended, the two remained close and co-parented Cheryl’s son, Kyle.

Chris said the whole experience felt “very lonely.”

Numbed by the pain of Cheryl’s death, the family shifted their focus to Corrina.

“You tell yourself that we just need to get her healthy enough to come home,” Chris said. “And then all of the sudden, she’s gone.”

Corrina died on April 29 — 18 days after her sister’s death and two weeks after her birthday, which she spent on a ventilator. Although she was unconscious, her nurse sang “Happy Birthday.”

Corrina’s oldest son, Gary Werito Jr., had tried for weeks to take leave from his Fort Bliss Army post in El Paso, Texas. His superiors declined his requests out of concerns he might contract the virus while on leave.

Separated from his mother by hundreds of miles, Werito tried to reach her through prayer.

“I would burn cedar,” he said. “I was trying to talk to my mom. I was telling her, ‘Mom, you’re going to get through this. You’re going to come home. You’re going to meet your granddaughter.'”

Werito and his wife were expecting their second child. The baby would have been Corrina’s first granddaughter.

Werito remembers his mother as a “model Navajo.”

“She left the reservation to get an education, and then she came home,” he said. “She could have worked anywhere else as a social worker, but she chose to help her own people.”

Before becoming a social worker, Corrina worked for the Tuba City Police District for more than 10 years. She ended her law enforcement career as a senior police officer.

Goldtooth, the sisters’ friend and colleague, said Corrina was particularly effective at the hospital because she spoke English and Navajo fluently. The Native language, which helped the U.S. win World War II as a secret code for communications, is not written down.

“A lot of people aren’t fluent in Navajo anymore,” she said. “When elderly people would come [to the hospital], they don’t speak a lot of English. She was there to talk with them. It would really surprise people.”

Cheryl was more soft-spoken than her sister. Mary remembers her as empathetic and insightful. Her siblings often sought her advice.

“That’s what we miss about her,” Mary said. “She might be the quiet one, but she always has important things to say to us.”

Both sisters left behind young sons. Corrina’s son Michael is 14, and Cheryl’s son just turned 12. The cousins are keeping each other company, reminding Mary of the way her daughters behaved.

Honoring her former service with the Tuba City Police District, law enforcement escorted Corrina’s body from Flagstaff to Tuba City. Her family was humbled by the outpouring.

“We had people lined up honoring her return,” Mary said. “They paid their respects, flying their flags. Some officers were standing along the road saluting her.”

Since June, the Navajo Department of Health has enforced strict curfews during the week and lockdowns over the weekend. Those measures have been effective, as they’ve seen cases decline over the past two months. The Navajo Nation began its first reopening phase in mid-August, allowing most businesses to operate at 25% capacity.

In late July, Werito left the Army for good and came home to Tuba City. His daughter was born on Aug. 5 in the same hospital where his mother and aunt worked. Her middle name is Lois, the same as Corrina’s.

Werito said he sometimes forgets his mother is gone and expects her to come home from work.

“My grandmother told me it’s a little peace of mind that I’m home now,” he said. “It kind of fills that void that my mom and my aunt left.”

This story is part of “Lost on the Frontline,” an ongoing project from The Guardian and Kaiser Health News that aims to document the lives of health care workers in the U.S. who die from COVID-19, and to investigate why so many are victims of the disease. If you have a colleague or loved one we should include, please share their story.

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

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This story can be republished for free (details).

Two Navajo Sisters Who Were Inseparable Died of COVID Just Weeks Apart published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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dinafbrownil · 4 years