#tbh i think id rather live alone than with family at this point

[narwa]

god whenever im out of substances to dose myself up with the reality of how lonely i am just fucking Hits me

#i hate being sober fr #irl i have One guy who i meet up with like once a week maybe and everyone else left bc my hometown is a shithole #95% of my social interaction is online #tbh i think id rather live alone than with family at this point #bc i cant do shit #spoken

[kissmejuyeon]

hey Sara! 🌸🐇

this might be a personal or difficult question, so if you don't want to reply, that's totally fine!! 💕

i went to a school where i was lowkey taught that uni is the only option after graduation, that anything else isn't as "good" and we weren't even taught abt anything other than uni either. no one ever mentioned apprenticeships or voluntary years, let alone spoke positively of them. it honestly installed in me this fear of being seen as lesser if i don't go to uni and now it's been almost 4 years since my graduation and I'm still struggling with the inferiority feeling of not feeling like uni is the right place for me. i think i want to do an apprenticeship, but by now i feel almost too scared to start anything in fear of not managing.

did you deal with this kind of thing in your schooling/ upbringing as well? and how did you get over those feelings? :( if you have even the tiniest advice, id be super grateful 💙

Hey love!!! Happy new Year <3

I can totally relate to what you’re feeling!! I def had those same feelings and thoughts, and i am not gonna lie, it took me a while to figure out what i want to do, and how i stopped focusing on what other wanted of me. but i’m going to try to explain my thoughts, so please bare with me.

i had to put this in “keep reading” cause i word vomited lmao

I was lucky that i grew up in a family that always thought me, that i do everything in life for myself. I should always focus on what I want to do. BUT, i had extended family and a few friends that always talked about uni and doing something in life that is “not working in retail” (just an example) All they “wanted” me to do is make money. 

My dad never finished high school and my mom started two apprenticeships that she never finished. I always knew i wanted to do more than what my parents did. And i don’t mean it a mean or bad way. (i hope you know what i mean) 

i was a “gifted” kid in school, and good grades came easy to me, until i finished 10th grade and i started my A-level. Then i hit rock bottom. I actually never planed to do my A-level, but i had no idea what to do with my life in year 10, so i decided to go to school for 3 more years, so i have a little more time to figure stuff out. (Spoiler: i didn’t) When i decided to do my A-level (In germany you need it to even go to uni) i thought uhMm maybe i should go to uni because many people around me where starting to talk about it and made me feel that my decision of never going to uni was me planing on becoming “nothing”. Which is totally stupid. Not going to uni does NOT mean you’ll never become anything!

by the i finished my A-level, which i barely passed, i still had no idea of what i wanted to. the only thing i knew was, that i wanted to do something that brings me happiness and joy! And the only time i found happiness and joy was in books (and one direction lmao). So i started to think about the idea, that i could start working in a bookstore. But at that time, my friends already started Uni (med school, law etc.) and others went to go abroad to study. And i felt like i was worth less. But i also knew that going to uni would only further the descend of my mental health. So i really focused on working in a bookstore and do an apprenticeship as a bookseller. 

Through a friend i got the opportunity of working in a bookstore (I applied before but i was sadly rejected). After the first day of work, i knew, this is what i wanted to do with my life. My mom always pushed me into applying for apprenticeships that i didnt wanna do, which i told her i didnt want, but it only caused many fights between us. but tbh ... i didnt care. i wanted to do what i wanted to do! So i focused on my carreer in the bokstore. i stopped focusing on what other people want to do in their lives, but rather focus on what I want to do. 

so i worked at the bookstore for 2 years, then started my apprenticeship, then i worked for 4 months as a bookseller and now i’m the deputy manager of the store that i did my apprenticeship at. now i know i only got to this place and position because i stopped focusing on what other people wanted.

end of my biography but i feel like it needed to explain this to validate my points lmao

and heres what i can tell you, do what you want to do!!! if you dont want to go to uni, do not go. is there something that brings you joy? clothes? books? try working with something that you like, and figure out what you wanna do that way.

Other people think they help you when they try to push uni, grad school etc. into your life, cause they think that whats best for you. but you are the only one who knows whats best for you!

in bookseller school, half my class was people who dropped out of uni to start working. not going to uni or dropping out of uni doesnt make you any less amazing or capable of reaching your dreams. 

the sad thing is, we need money to survive in this world, so you need to make money one way or another. and people always promote the narrative of figuring out what you want to do immediately. which is fuckign bullocks. you can start over and over again of you need to. if you start a job but after a few months you realize, its something you dont want to do, quit and find another job. Starting over and trying out jobs is nothing bad! 

but i think the first step you need to to, is to realize that what you do in life, is for you and only you!!! 

#bro ... i hope this helps #anwayssss you can you always talk to me #im here for you love #ask #Anonymous

[szopenhauer]

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? no

Who is the person you would least like to be stuck in a lift with? Why? smelly drunk puking rapist murderer - do I really have to explain? If your parents looked in your inbox and read your messages, would they find out anything you didn’t want them to know? my sexts Have you cried at all during the past week? ... When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? now, no comment Who was the last person you had an argument with? how would you feel if that person never spoke to you again? both good and bad

Do you like forks with three metal pokers, or four? I don’t care Would you ever wear a hat with cat ears on it? I already do 

Have you ever eating raw sugar by itself? when I was a kid I was stealing it from my grandma’s sugar-bowl  Do you paint your left or right hand fingernails first? I don’t recall but probably left as I’m righty What about for your feet? not that I paint them but whatever What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? hmm... Do you think fish are cute? some can be If you found an ant on your food, would you still eat it? doubt it How much do you weigh? 42 kg now

What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? but dates or relationship?

Do you have any theatrical experience? If so, what have you done? just school

Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? every subject you talk about constantly is getting on my nerves tbh

Is there anything you need to say to anyone? I don’t know how/what/if I should/want to

If you could have anyone to do your eulogy, who would it be and why? my dad

If given the choice, would you rather go to Subway or a Chinese restaurant? Subway

Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? many ways

Whose car were you in last? I was in a taxi

How late did you stay up last night? I barely slept at all because of cannula/venflon and feeling like I’m choking, also noise and anxiety

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? coming home 

Who did you last see in person? mom

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you? today (my father)

What is on your wrists right now? finally nothing and that feels weird, I constantly want to fix my ID wristband but it’s not there anymore

Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing? second hand - it has an elephant and Perfectly imperfect written on it

Do you like clowns? very

Are you listening to anything at the moment? I am

Do you twitch when your falling asleep? it happens at times but only rarely

Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? we don’t own a dishwasher

Are you at home or with friends more often? home and I like it that way

Would you date someone 15 years older than you? noooo

Do you own a strapless bra? nah

How are you feeling at this exact moment? it’s complicated

Are you someone who worries too often? absolutely

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? obvi

What is one good thing you’re known for? How about one bad thing? don’t ask me

Are you taller than most? lmfao 

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home? take a guess...

Has anyone ever said i love you to you and not meant it? it seems

Do you regret going out with the last person you did? going out as dating or just spending time with somebody outside?

When was the last time you showered? few days ago because I couldn’t move my arm :( 

Who did you last talk to in person? my mother

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? yeah

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? hahaha

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? not sure

What area of math are you best at? Worst? dunno

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? only Dorota had similar taste in music to mine not counting my current gf’s love towards 80s songs that we share

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? often?

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? yes

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? sure

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? everything?...

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? mixed feelings

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? -

Have you ever considered going to art school? I have considered and am slightly regretting that I didn’t

How quickly can you write an essay? depends

Favorite episode of Spongebob? it’s not my fav but I remember the one where Spongebob painted the room most (why tho?)

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? would say so

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations? I might

Do u own a rolling pin?: u don’t? :o

What’s your ideal indoor temperature?: never checked 

Does your kitchen have a theme?: ... apparently poop is the theme 

Are u a pack rat?: mhm

What’s the grossest thing u have found in your food?: bug, hair, piece of plastic...

Do u like ice cream sandwiches?: why not

Ever worn a flower in your hair?: for a moment

What surgeries have u had?: none 

What health problems do u have?: what health problems I don’t have?...

Do u like to sleep in?: yasss

Don’t ya just hate foot cramps? who likes those? 

Would you say you have an infectious laugh? not really Shouldn’t you be doing something else right now? omg thx for a reminder :o What is something you worry about often? every single thing Do you walk fast or slow? compared to?... Would you consider yourself healthy? Both mind and body. not at all Does sitting in waiting rooms drive you insane? not as much as majority of people, I can wait for a long time when I see the point and don’t feel the worst, I don’t need much entertainment to not get bored What form of public transport do you use most often? bus Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? the opposite Have you ever been arrested? If so, why? I’m an angel Do you ever put sticky notes around the place to remind yourself of things? I have shitload of notes but they’re not sticky  Would you eat a spider for $50? hell no Would you rather be a kangaroo or a koala? koala Are you easy to talk to? am I? Can you juggle with more than two items? I can’t juggle with one item pfft At airports do you ever worry your luggage won’t arrive? scary but luckily I don’t travel by plane What other windows have you currently got opened? fb, youtube, tumblr drafts, google translator and google searching Who else is in the same building as you? my parents Would you like a penny farthing bicycle? maybe Would you ever consider visiting Ireland? what for? Would you like to visit Venice? no thx Did you ever eat leaves when you were a kid? my sister did Do you have any flags in your house? we occasionally put polish flag on balcony Are there any ‘keep off the grass’ signs where you live? just don’t throw trash on the ground on cemetery Have you ever walked on the grass with such a sign? that’s rude unless you really didn’t notice or had no choice Are you double-jointed? could say so At school which area of science did you prefer: biology/chemistry/physics? definitely not physics Which did you prefer between geography/history? neither Have you ever driven a tractor? didn’t have an opportunity  Does the smell of the countryside bother you? animal shit does Do you drink more water or juice? water 

Sweater weather or tank top weather? Which do you prefer. I like it hot, I hate winter but I enjoy sweaters Is there a cat in the room you’re in right now? stuffed only Do you enjoy going to the movies? prefer to watch movies at home

Are you an animal lover? I admire from afar How tall are you? according to my doctor I lost 2 cm  Is there anything you want to ask anyone right now? God  Are you gay, straight, bi, lesbian, asexual, or not sure? asexual/lesbian Are you more negative or more positive? negative Have you made any life altering decisions lately? I’m deciding

Do you have any songs currently stuck in your head? not atm Have you made a CV? several Where is the last place you applied for a job? (If you have) which was the last one... Are you photogenic? I’m ugly

What are you listening to right now? stopped because family member is asleep What are you going to do tomorrow? shopping if anything

Have you ever been judged on something you wore? been bullied

Think QUICK what word begins with c? clown :D

Are you a funny person? I believe  Be honest, do you go for looks more or personality? personality is more important but I’m picky

Are you a flirty person? a bit

Are you homophobic? I’m homo myself so...

How would you react if someone said you ruined their life? I know I ruin everybody’s lives

If you’re home alone, do you still close/lock the door when you use the bathroom? I don’t lock ‘em even when I’m not alone

What’s the stupidest song you’ve listened to today? nothing stupid

How is your hair currently styled? it’s dirty and after this survey I will wash my head finally

Do you ever stay up late just to be awake oh well...

Would you ever write a letter to someone you haven’t met yet, like your future spouse? I don’t think so

Would you rather spend the day watching movies or on an intense hike? entire day just one thing?!

Are you stressed about anything? always Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? too dangerous for me Are you one of those people who take like, 50 Facebook quizzes at a time? whoops :x What’s on your bed? it’s so clean/empty that it freaks me out Are you texting anyone? no longer

Did your last beverage contain caffeine? it was just water

Did you get any friend requests on Facebook today? did not

What’s your least favourite song by your favourite artist? for example - one of my fav bands - Queen - I dislike Radio Gaga and We will rock you

What’s your best friend’s middle name? no middle name!

Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? my partner

If the person you miss turned up at your door now, how would you react? woah wtf

Where were you THREE hours ago? in here

What are you wearing right now? my leggings with colorful heart pattern

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? parent

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? I got two shirts and socks 

What day is tomorrow? Friday

Do you remember the first person you ever kissed? we’re together now again

Ever use someone else’s toothbrush? that’s disgusting, don’t!

[spnsisimagines]

Tainted Past

Warnings: Descriptive gore Characters: Sam & Dean Winchester, Hunter!Reader Summary: You have a bad past which comes back to haunt you. Reader’s Age: Any tbh Word Count: 1215

Y/N: Your Name Y/N/N: Your Nickname

A/N: I’m not a fan of the ending but I couldn’t really figure out how to change it so... Enjoy!

Your past was never something you liked talking about. It was full of pain, misery, and torture. You had grown up in the hunting business, your parents raising you to be the best hunter out there. They raised you to be strong, brave, and smart. You had seen things from a young age that no child should ever have to witness. You've seen heads get torn off of bodies, guts spilling out of abdomens, and so much more. You've grown up around this stuff, your parents teaching you never to let your emotions get the best of you. If your emotions get in the way, you get killed.

But your parents didn't let their emotions get in the way and yet, they're dead.

You watched as demons tore all their limbs off, one by one, laughing as your parent's screams filled the room, screams which you still remember to this day.

The demons let you go shortly after your parents died, saying how living with this embedded in your mind was torture enough, they were right.

You found the Winchester's shortly after that. You were on a hunt and ran into them. You hated them at first, not wanting ever to get attached to anyone again, but they grew on you. They convinced you to stay with them.

Transitioning from being raised by your parents to being raised by two strangers was difficult, especially when the brothers have a completely different parenting style than your parents. Throughout your time with them, they've taught you to open up to your emotions.

There had been countless times when they've found you crying, but you never told them what was wrong. It killed them to see someone who was like a little sister to them in so much pain, and there was nothing they could do about it. You kept your emotions under control most of the time, though. Only crying every now and then.

"Y/N," Sam spoke from the other side of the table. "Y/N," Sam waved a hand in front of your face.

"Huh?" You looked at him; confusion etched across your face.

"You okay?" He asked, sticking a fork-full of salad into his mouth.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, why?" You rushed your sentence, glancing between the two brothers.

"You were staring at some people," Dean added, looking over at the couple that kept glancing at you.

"Was I? Didn't notice," you shoved some food into your mouth, hoping to end the conversation.

After eating, you and Sam were waiting for Dean out by the car. Dean was inside flirting up some girl, leaving you and Sam waiting for him to rather get her number or be rejected.

You faced away from the diner, looking down the road.

"Ready?" A hand was on your shoulder. You jumped back, pulling out your knife. "Whoa," Dean held his hands up, one holding a piece of paper. "Just me, Jumpy," you sighed and put your knife away.

"Can we go?" You waited for Dean to unlock to doors before hurrying into the car.

"Y/N," Dean called. You jumped, blinking rapidly. Dean hunched over, looking into the car as he stared at you. "You coming?"

Your eyebrows furrowed together as you looked around, realizing you had arrived back at the motel. "Oh, yeah," you mumbled before getting out. Sam and Dean gave each other a look before following you into the room.

A hand was placed on your shoulder, making you let out a yelp and jump forward. Once again, Dean stood with wide eyes, holding his hands up. "You forgot your bag," Dean held out your backpack.

"Oh..." You took your backpack from him and sat laid down on one of the beds.

Your eyes felt heavy, but you fought off the tiredness. You wouldn't allow yourself to sleep--you couldn't allow yourself.

You stared at the ceiling as Sam and Dean talked amongst themselves.  

"You should get some sleep," Sam appeared in your vision, making you snap out of your thoughts.

"I'm fine," you replied, the yawn that came next did not help your situation.

"Y/N, when was the last time you got more than three hours of sleep?" he asked, sitting on the other bed. You stayed silent, not remembering the last time you even got two hours of sleep. "My point exactly," he said, taking your silence as your answer, "You need sleep," Sam draped a blanket over you.

"No," you kicked the blanket off like a stubborn toddler.

"Y/N," Dean spoke this time. You sat up and criss-crossed your legs, allowing Dean to sit down in front of you. Dean gave Sam a look, "Are you okay?" He looked you so deep in your eyes that you knew he could see right through any lie you spoke.

You tried to anyway, "Yeah, I'm fine,"

Dean sighed, "No, you're not,"

"You've been zoning out lately, jumping when someone touches you, you haven't been getting much sleep and when you do you have nightmares, don't think we haven't noticed," Sam added.

"You can tell us," Dean's voice was soft.

"What's my business is my business," you snapped, getting up and walking away, but Dean grabbed your wrist. You whipped around, pulling your arm from his grasp as he held his hands up, something he feels like he's been doing often. "Can't you two just leave it alone? You're not actually my brothers," you spat. You turned and walked toward the door, but you couldn't open it. You sighed, looking up to see Dean's hand keeping it closed.

"Not letting you leave, Y/N/N," he said firmly.

"Why not?" You said through gritted teeth.

"Because you're family, whether you like it or not," Sam spoke this time. "You may not be family by blood, but in case you haven't noticed, Y/N, family don't end in blood. So just... Tell us what's wrong so we can help you," Sam pleaded.

You sighed, letting go of the door handle. Still facing the door, not wanting to look at them, you spoke, "There's a reason why you don't know anything about my past," your voice was low, turning around, but keeping your head down. "I was groomed to be this perfect little hunter who never showed any emotions. To get the job done no matter the cost, but to always put family first. I saw things from a young age that will forever haunt my mind, but the worst thing I ever saw was... was my parents getting torn apart by demons. Their screams... Their limbs were..." You took a shaky breath, "It haunts me. Every damn day," You closed your eyes as tears slid down your cheeks. You felt a chest hit your head as two arms wrapped around you. "I'm scared it'll happen to you guys," you cried into the chest.

"Shh..." Dean coed above you. "That will never happen. Ever." Dean pressed a kiss on the top of your head.

"You guys are the only family I have left," You wiped the tears from your face as you stepped away from Dean, only to be engulfed by Sam, making the waterworks flow once again.

"Which means we have all the more reason to stick around. I promise we'll never leave you," Sam said as you pulled away, taking a deep breath.

"I'm afraid you're stuck with me and Sam's rabbit-food eating ways," Dean tried lightening the mood, earning a chuckle from you.

"I love you, guys," you finally looked up at them, and you were greeted by smiles.

"We love you, too, Y/N/N," Sam hugged you again.

Requested by Anonymous: “Your blog is such! a blessing. If you wouldn’t mind, id love one where the reader is like a sister to the boys. She’s strong, but they still watch out for her. She’s got a tainted past but way too scared to ask for help. After too many sleepless nights, too many jumps / shrieks bc dean touched her shoulder, and too many zone-outs, the boys confront her and it turns into SO MUCH ANGSTY FLUFF. Idk. This is so cringey as I read it. I’m just down and need brother Winchesters.”

Tags: @magicalsis11 @joanne-egberp @16wiishes @fanboyswhereare-you @athenepallas @spnkisum @jamric @oneshotsdeanshort @jensen-jarpad @capruinedmylife @bea789 @starswirlblitz @damalseer@iamflanneltrash @zeusmyster @violinmyhead @lauren-novak @evyiione@alexandriajanae4 @graceb200371 @overcastmisfitkid  @lovelaughlivesmilebright @liliafangirls @ellie-andthemachine @death-unbecomes-you

If you would like to be tagged/untagged then shoot me an ask/message!

#spn #supernatural #supernatural imagine #spn imagine #sister winchester #sister winchester imagine #winchester sister #winchester sister imagine #sam winchester x sister!reader #dean winchester x sister!reader #sam winchester #sam winchester imagine #dean winchester #dean winchester imagine #spn sisfic #supernatural sisfic

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

#lets go bunni #bunni plays lets go

[thelifetimechannel]

#tlcstuck #roxy lalonde #jade harley #walkaround 3

[ventus-shmentus]

1 through 100 for the question time?

oh man this is gonna keep me busy, thank you anon

1.) is there a boy/girl in your life?

*** sadly no, I've been single for like 3 years now

2.)  think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

*** yes! I generally try to forgive most ppl because I h a t e being angry w ppl

3.) what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

*** there was a girl in middle school that always stared me down and meowed at me at lunch???

4.) what’s something you really want right now?

*** strawberry lemonade from O’Charley’s

5.) are you afraid of falling in love?

*** thank god no, I love loving people

6.) do you like the beach?

*** yeah my fam goes every year for vacay and we spread my brothers ashes in the ocean and stuff so it’s comforting to go bc it’s like he’s still with me??

7.) have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

*** tried to, but I have a lot of problems falling asleep so it didn't work out too well

8.) what’s the background on your cell?

*** my lock screen is me and a best friend and my home bg is a pic of ventus

9.)name the last four beds you were sat on?

***my sisters, my moms, faith’s, and Ryder’s if you count being sat on by dogs (I think thats what the question is asking lmao??)

10.) do you like your phone?

*** most of the time, yeah. the calls get messed up a lot tho and the battery sucks

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned?

*** god no, it’d be weird if they were. I'm doing much much better in life than I originally expected 

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

*** probs the girls from my DBT therapy group

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?

*** omg Rottweiler for sure,,, I love big doggies and they're such big babies

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

*** I can't really answer this because they’re both felt in different ways

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

*** I've never been to an art museum so id have to say zoo for now

16: are you tired?

*** heck yea my mom lost my sleep medication, I'm so tired to the point where I'm listening to Soulja boy and I'm not sure if its real or not

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact?

*** like???? 15 years??

18: are they a relative?

*** nope just my sisters friend 

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

*** someone please kill me if I ever get back with one of my exes

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

*** honestly I can’t remember, probably like last month?

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

*** nonono I'm nowhere near ready to settle down in life like that. I'm only 19 and like I've never even had a job and I don't have my license and shit,,, def not ready for marriage

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

*** yeah he was a good kisser, too bad I barely remember it lmao

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

*** 2 a hair tie and a friendship bracelet

24: is there a certain quote you live by?

*** Donald Duck going “WAK!”

25: what’s on your mind?

*** what happened to Kevin Jonas

26: do you have any tattoos?

*** no but I was planning on getting one soon as tribute to my brother

27: what is your favorite color?

*** yellow!! its so happy and bright

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

*** heck idk no one ever seems interested in me so like?? its up to them bc I'm down to kiss like 90% of the people I know

29: who are you texting?

*** my boi Ryder bc he's coming over to give me birthday stuff

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

***nope, only a car

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

*** I low key knew that my brother was gonna die the day he did but I didn't say anything to anyway bc I just blamed it on my anxiety

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

*** heck yeah, I got a couple thankfully

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you?

*** lmao ryder

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

*** yes! my eyes turn literally yellow in the summer and its p cool

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

*** I'd be like “hell yeah I'm proud of u for getting action”

36: were you single on valentines day?

*** have been my whole life

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed?

*** yes but I rarely talk to him anymore

38: what do your friends call you?

*** karl, car keys, Karls, kar, karlie warlie

39: has anyone upset you in the last week?

*** does myself count lmao

40: have you ever cried over a text?

*** probably

41: where’s your last bruise located?

*** the tops of my feet 

42: what is it from?

*** dancing! you get bruises in weird places from dance lmao

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

*** idk if this really counts but we went out to eat last night which is really triggering for me and I was like “I just want to go home and see my doggie”

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with?

***my sister on accident

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

*** fav bc of looks are my white doc Martens but I wear my black converse most of the time

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

*** no I look dumb in hats

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style?

*** honestly no just bc I like to have the mermaid hair effect when I’m in the bath or swimming

48: do you make supper for your family?

*** only if its like pizza rolls or smthn

49: does your bedroom have a door?

*** yes???

50: top 3 web-pages?

*** Tumblr, youtube and Facebook

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping?

*** my mom bc she hates going out in public

52: does anything on your body hurt?

*** my wrist!! I have a cyst in my joint and it hurts to move it too much 

53: are goodbyes hard for you?

*** yes bc I have a huge fear of abandonment

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

*** strawberry lemonade

55: how is your hair?

*** its kinda short atm, I just got it cut and I'm mad bc its just the right length where only half of my hair goes into a ponytail

56: what do you usually do first in the morning?

*** pee tbh

57: do you think two people can last forever?

*** I mean I guess

58: think back to january 2007, were you single?

*** considering. was 8, yes

59: green or purple grapes?

*** depends on my mood tbh

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug?

*** in like 10 minutes when Ryder is here

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

*** not really but I wouldn't particularly mind if I was somewhere else

62: when will be the next time you text someone?

*** like rn

63: where will you be 5 hours from now?

*** in my living room talking to Ryder

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning.

*** pretending to be asleep

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked?

***probably faith idk but thankfully thats faded by now

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

*** ryder and my sister tbh

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today?

*** my mom always hugs me good morning

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

*** “god I wish I could fall asleep”

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

*** did you mean: my entire dance career?

70: how many windows are open on your computer?

*** 5!

71: how many fingers do you have?

*** thankfully I got all 10

72: what is your ringtone?

*** the default iPhone ringtone, I've never bothered to change it but I want my text ringtone to be the thing from Kim possible

73: how old will you be in 5 months?

*** 19

74: where is your mum right now?

*** in my sister’s room helping her build a desk

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

*** bc he's an abusive piece of shit (:

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

*** sadly no ):

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

*** definitely not

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

*** a dude named Zac but he was a terrible person lmao

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike?

*** my aunt's pos boyfriend

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

*** no ):

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months?

*** not really anyone worth noting

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

*** probably

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight?

*** I don't really like anyone atm

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

*** probably Bria or faith tbh

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care?

*** I think it’d depend on what it was and if it was effecting them in an unhealthy way or not

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

*** I threw up 20 mins into Spiderman homecoming

87: who was your last received call from?

*** my sister

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

*** I think it'd depend on what I needed the money for and how bad I needed it

89: what is something you wish you had more of?

*** friends

90: have you ever trusted someone too much?

*** all the time. I love trusting people but it gets me hurt a lot

91: do you sleep with your window open?

*** I wish but I got them allergies

92: do you get along with girls?

*** for the most part yes!

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

*** yeah but its not worth telling them right now, gotta wait till the right time

94: does sex mean love?

*** nope!

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

*** no but I might have a hard time trying to find things to talk about

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

*** yeah I didn't really like it tbh

97: did you sleep alone this week?

*** always

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

*** yes! my sister and ryder

99: do you believe in love at first sight?

*** no bc then you're just falling in love with the persons looks and not the actual person

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise

*** my mom but I don't remember what for

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

#tag challenge #nonsims #ty lol that was fun

[punkroxas]

Emergency - Commissions

I hate more than anything having to do this again. Really, this is about the LAST thing I ever want to do... But I am really in a bad place and honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m literally desperate and I’m asking for ANY kind of help you can give me.

My partner and I are type 1 diabetics and living by ourselves in a one bedroom apartment. In December my partner attempted suicide several times. She couldn’t be alone which was really scary and stressful. She ended up going to a psychiatric hospital and took a leave of absence from work to get on some medication and find help. She ended up doing emergency therapy sessions and was out of work for around two months. 

I was still going to work but as of last month, my partner had begun to get bad again. The job we work is really stressful so her doctor advised her to find a new line of work, (which she did. However, that new job has not started yet.) Her doctor also advised that she not be alone. My family is an hour or so away from us and her family is 6 hours away. I was the only one able to stay with her and make sure she didn’t end her own life or hurt herself. Which, of course, I did.

My job was amazingly nice enough to offer me a leave of absence as well, which I had no choice but to take. This seemed fine to me as I was supposed to receive a HUGE tax return. I talked with the state tax office today and apparently when I filed my taxes I did something wrong. I’m not getting a tax return, at all. AT ALL. I was supposed to get around $1200 according to Turbo Tax and now I’m not getting ANYTHING. 

We have both been not working for about three weeks. We have about $40.00 in my account and two nights ago, my tired blew in my car on the front left passenger side AND my wisdom teeth are coming in and giving me HELL while they do it. The copay alone for my wisdom teeth surgery is $300. Right now, though, I’m only worried about rent and food and my busted car so I can actually GET to work.

I called my work and should be going back to it this week, but for the next two weeks, we can’t even pay our $880 in rent this month (And we’re already a little behind). We DO have insulin and medical supplies which is such a blessing, honestly. However, that, plus medical bills, is where most of our money went. 

I don’t want to ask for anything for free, because I despise asking for help and especially money. I feel so guilty. You can tell I’m at my absolute last resort when I do this kind of thing. Even if you’re a friend I can pay back, I will. I had to make this post and give it a shot though because we are literally at our wits end.

I think the biggest concern is maybe rent but MOSTLY the car. A new tire is only $50 so even $1 a person will help. I just can’t get to work without my car. Its impossible.

I’ve applied to a second job that I’ll be picking up on top of my 40 hours from work if I can go back this week. I’ll be working every day of the week but I have to if my partner and I want to survive. We don’t even have anything left to sell in our apartment at this point. 

But I AM opening commissions for different things which will be under the cut. I do cosplay commissions, prop commissions, art commission and writing commissions. I’m even working on making charms to sell but that’s a long process and I don’t have the time to get those out when we owe rent in less than three days.

My mom filed for bankruptcy a year or so ago so she has no money to help me with at all and I don’t speak to my dad due to him being abusive when I was a child. 

Commission info is under the cut! Please please consider helping me out. I AM accepting donations as well because I don’t really have a choice. If you can even donate a dollar I’d really appreciate it.

I just applied for an airline job so if I get it, hopefully things will get easier for us. But between mental health and physical health, it’s been extremely bad.

Please please please, if you can donate or commission me for ANYTHING I would be so grateful. This has been one hell of a past few months with mental health and regular health issues. Please, I’m begging you, help us out.

My paypal is paypal.me/rileykraus

EVEN IF YOU CAN JUST SIGNAL BOOST ID APPRECIATE IT

Commission info is under the cut!

COMMISSION INFO

Cosplay Commissions:

www.punkroxas.tumblr.com/tagged/rileycos

Please click on this link to see examples of my work!! I’m opening up commissions for FOUR cosplay/prop slots!! I’ll be making a separate post for these slots but please message me or email me for a quote!!! I’ll provide all of my contact information at the end of this post if you’d rather email me. 

I’ve been cosplaying for over ten years and I’m willing to do prop work (armor, weapons,  Overwatch props etc.), Kingdom Hearts shoes, and sewn costumes. PLEASE let me know!

Writing Commissions:

I am opening up 3 slots for writing commissions!! My work can be found at http://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkroxas

I am doing one shots preferably but can do up to three chapters for the right price! I’ll do any kind of pairings, any setting, AU’s etc. The only thing I will not write for you is smut. I just don’t feel comfortable with writing that for someone else. Please message me! First come, first serve.

This will be priced at $1 per 100 words. If you want three chapters, it would depend on how lengthy you’d like those chapters. We can discuss this if you message me for that kind of thing, though. 

I AM WILLING TO GHOST WRITE. I’m extremely desperate so please message me to discuss that kind of thing.

THIS DOES MEAN I AM PUTTING ROLLER COASTER ON HOLD. For those who wondered, however, I’ve been writing that a lot recently, I’m just posting it all at once when its complete (or I have at least 6 new chapters, we’ll see.) This means I will not accept any kind of money for a new RC chapter. I’m sorry. I’m desperate enough, tbh, but I really don’t want to do that. 

Art Commissions I am opening up art commissions as well! I’m normally more of a traditional artist but I’m working on charms at the moment and would love to draw something for you. I am only opening 2 slots as of now because I’m not used to this kind of thing and am going to have other commission types going on. I’m going to make a separate post for examples on my art, but for now, if you message me I can provide you with those examples. (this is post is getting mega long)

My rates (You can add $3 for each extra character you’d like.) $5 for busts $10 for waist up $20 for full body $30 for a full scene

I will NOT draw NSFW. 

I am new at drawing anthropomorphic but I am more than willing to give it a shot! (And lower the price if I don’t feel so confident with it)

A separate post will follow for art commissions!!

Please please if you can commission or donate ANYTHING AT ALL, I’d REALLY appreciate it. I’m so desperate, i don’t know what else to do. Really. We’re so strapped for money. It’s so scary being in this situation.

#help #signal boost #commissions #emergency #cosplay #props #weapons #costumes #writing #stories #fanfic #fanfiction #writing commissions #cosplay commissions #art commissions #art #drawing #please help me #money problems #diabetes #type 1 diabetes #type 1 diabetic

[takemethroughrio]

Get to know me 1. Name - Jimand Mamaa Adoley Allotey

2. Age - 21 (22 on the 22 Of May)

3. City that you live in - At the moment its Canterbury

4. What do most people not know about you? - Surprisingly that my name is a compilation of my parents name which are, JIMMY AND AMANDA= JIMAND.

5. What do most people know you for? - that I'm into theatre?? Lol i dunno..

6. Hobbies - MUSICAL THEATRE, BECAUSE MUSICAL THEATRE IS LIFE, lol

7. What are your passions? Jesus, Musical Theatre, Movies and Tv Shows.

8. What do you search for in a significant other? umm gotta be funny, compassionate, be my friend, Jesus, TBH i hate questions like this cause well you never know really.

7. What are you most proud of? maturing in my personal life, overcoming my insecurities and the hate i had for myself, my growth with my general theatre skill, my A level grades lol and lastly possibly how happy I am in compared to the last 2 years of uni.

8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love? last week sunday, with my mum.

9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it? yep, a delivery to new look, i think it was just a bunch of clothes. 

10. List 10 things off of your bucket list-

• win an Oscar • win a Tony • Be in a Disney movie • play A Marvel or Dc character • sing For hillsong • jump out of a plane • learn how to ride a motorcycle • meet Beyonce • meet Lin Manuel Miranda

11. What was the last thing you learned? my lines for my show.

12. How many relationships have you been in? well tbh id say one really 5/6 year long relationship but i did have 4 “high-school boyfriends” 

  13. Turn ons- good smell you know like cologne or aftershave (it just gets me going) love a man who smells good, kissing my neck.., a guy who can sing and play an instrument, oh and sincerity.

14. Turn offs-  SNORING, No sense of time, being a dick, smelling bad and late replies.

15. Favorite food - A white chocolate crepe with strawberries. 

16. Favorite drink - cold ( Sprite)  Hot ( Chai Latte) Alcohol (Strawberry daquiri) 

17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received? um a tumblr page dedicated to me, it was really cute..

18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic? In between really but i am more of a pessimist. 

19. Do you sleep during class? sometimes lol 

20. What is the most expensive thing you own? a chanel bag. 

21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own? my hairband.

22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone? lol too many to even count...

23. Text or call? Call

24. Opinion on long distance? y'all were right.. 

25. What is your definition of success? BEING HAPPY IN LIFE. 

26. Favorite song? everything and anything BEYONCE.

27. Favorite artist? BEYONCE.

28. Celebrity crush/crushes? dylan o’brien, chris pratt, tom holland. 

29. When was the last time you read for fun? last year.

30. Favorite flower? cherry blossoms

31. What is the best gift you could receive right now? MONEY

32. Any guilty pleasures? probably singing in the shower and imagining performing, also nothing ever beats that white chocalate crepe with strawberries.

33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself? my pessimistic and how i overthink things.

34. What do you search for in a friend? sincerity. 

35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month? Too many times lol i love my friends and family legit say it whenever i say bye. 

36. Where did you last go other than your room/home? um i was on campus earlier? lol 

37. Why do bad things happen to good people? because life is beans

38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye? being left out.

39. How many green shirts do you own? about 6

40. Do you like anime? YASSSS

41. What do you invest the most time in? THEATRE( MUSICAL THEATRE AND PLAYS) 

42. What was the name of the last book you read? The alchemist 

43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone? love is unconditional, no matter what you do they have a spot in your heart, its not by choice also it just happens, whereas with liking someone well that is a choice.

44. Where are you most productive? probably in my sitting room or my bedroom.

45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends. - watching movies or tv shows, random adventures or trips, drinking and dancing with them lot.

46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone. - showering, sleeping and reading. 

47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist? nope

48. Do you have any allergies? yep 

49. When was the last time you cussed at someone? this morning.

50. What was the last promise you made? LOL something crude.

51. What was your last dream about? travelling actually with friends. 

52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be? Eli, Mum, Dad, Ben, Josh.

53. How many countries have you visited? 6 

54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.) has to be Musical Theatre.

56. When was the last time somebody complimented you? Last night.

56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself? look for the small one.

57. Do you consider yourself mature? yup.

58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr? probs 700 there bouts. 

59. What is your favorite quote? Carpe diem.

60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be? let there be peace, love and happiness.

61. What is your greatest accomplishment? Atm sticking with my passion and following it. 

62. Do you believe in the death penalty? No.

63. What are your goals for life? to make it on the west end, broadway, hollywood and to also worship in a church.

64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now? lol living life.

65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world. - probs the marvel universe.

66. What were you like in 2013? depressed. 

67. Do you have a job? nope.. but working on it. 

68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- SHE IS THE BEST THING TO EVER BE CREATED AND WE STILL ARE BEST FRIENDS, SHE IS MY HEART MY SOUL, MY OTHER HALF AND CONTINENTS MAY KEEP US APART BUT WE BLOOD AND WE SHALL BE BESTIES TILL THE END OF TIME. 

69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be? the hatred that exists.

70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before? too many.

71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website? Twitter. 

72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars? strip naked and run around lol y'all won't think il be crazy when I'm balling.

73. Does money equal happiness? no.

74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime? 3 times when I gave my life to christ, every time I worship and every time I'm on stage performing. 

75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime? 4 times in my life. 

76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told? lol too many to write up

77. When was the last time you looked at the news? last sunday.

78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say? fix up guys. 

79. What is your favorite animal? eagle.

80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it? lol bye guys, i am going into hiding. 

81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at? COMMUNICATION.

82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? lol 2-4am and usually 5-12 hours. 

83. Does age necessarily equal maturity? i don't believe an age has a specific maturity level, people gain maturity at different ages. 

84. What is your favorite clothing store? probably new look or zara.

85. In the winter- beanies or gloves? beanies.

86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail? wings

87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it? nope 

88. What do you fear the most? spiders

89. How many digits of pi can you recite? can't

90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be? 2001

91. Describe yourself in one word.- energy

92. Describe your last victory.- beat depression.

93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen? lol i can't even pin point i see too much weird shit on the daily.

94. What is something you will never forget? getting lost in disney land at the age of 5.

95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail? remember.

96. Have you ever broken a bone before? nope.

97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody? hate. 

98. Coffee or tea? tea.

99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way? don't compare myself to people= no more insecurities= love myself= no more depression = HAPPY JIMS.

100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today? well this has taken a bloody hour and 30 minutes to do lol

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

#the anarchist #notes

[surveysonfleek]

672.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 43

4101. What is the most difficult thing you have ever overcome? 2008 and start of 2009 probably. 4102. What is more imporatnt, how much someone has achieved or how far they have come to achieve it? how far they have come to achieve it. 4103. Have you ever had anything published? nothing serious, just some letters on teen celebrity magazines when i was a kid lol. 4104. Of the following, what kind of person would you be more attracted to (1 is highest, 3 lowest): less good looking than you? doesn’t matter to me. about as good looking as you? more good looking than you? how goodlooking are you?

4105. less inteligent than you? 3 about as intelligent as you? 1 more intelligent than you? 2 how intelligent are you? enough i guess. 4106. has less money than you? again, doesn’t matter. as long as they work hard that’s enough for me. has about as much money as you? has more money than you? How wealthy are you? 4107. less wild and crazy than you? about as wild and crazy as you? more wild and crazy than you? How wild and crazy are you? 4108. Is your bathroom shelf stacked with numorous bottles of lotions and creams? no, they’re stored in my room. 4109. How do you maintain your body? eat as healthy as possible and work out when i can (not often lol). 4110. Did you ever imagine that objects have a life of their own? nope. 4111. What is it like to be an object, do ya think? boringunless you’re used often. 4112. Do stones, rocks, trees, lamps, water, couches, etc all have some sort of life energy running through them? trees, yes. 4113. Would you ever consider getting romantically involved with: your teacher? no to both. a bit too close for comfort. your doctor? 4114. If ____ asked me for sex, I could NOT refuse. Fill in the blank as if you were speaking. my boyfriend. 4115. What is 'nothing'? a void. 4116. Would you rather read about how to get better abs or about how thousands of people across the globe are marching for peace? the second. 4117. Should america make love, not war? while using protection, sure lol. 4118. If you could nominate anyone for sainthood, who ould you and why? i have no idea. 4119. Can you name one person who is purely good? i don’t know them through and through but probably my friend’s mum. i’ve known her since i was a kid and she is the loveliest woman alive. 4120. How about one person who is completely evil? haha not sure. 4121. Is there a book inside of you? If yes, what about? i don’t think so. 4122. Do you call people more often or get calls more often? get calls more. i hate calling people lol. 4123. What do you wake up to? lately the heat. 4124. If you could get a free subscription to any magazine what would it be? none, i never read mags anymore. 4125. When you wrote letters to santa did you ever ask for stuff that didn't exist? nope, they were always toys lol. 4126. Make up a new slogan for McDonald's: no. 4127. What kind of people do you like to be associated with (buisness, writers, dark, antisocial, spiritual, happy)? none in particular tbh. i don’t really identify with any of the examples. 4128. How are you like a toaster? i’m not. 4129. Do you believe we are really in the matrix? no. 4130. There are 2 dolls, a gw Bush doll and a Sadam Hussein doll. You can only afford one. Which do you buy? neither. i’d save my money. 4131. What is a jaberwocky? i only know of the dance crew lol. 4132. Finish the sentances: I'm speed racer and I drive real fast, I drive real fast: no. I'm a big bird and I like to steal, I like to steal and I like to: I'm a barbie doll and I've got grace, I've got grace but: 4133. What do you think aliens would think of life on earth? i think everything the human race was discovered is amazing. 4134. What image do you get fom the words 'urban decay'? makeup haha. 4135. Have a ___ day. Fill in the blank with anything but 'nice' fab. 4136. Do you own anything with a: southpark character or logo on it? no to both. greatful dead bear or logo on it? 4137. What is your impression of beatniks? indifferent. 4138. What was the last thing you ordered (or watched) on pay-per-view? boxing. 4139. Nails, long or short? long. 4140. Do you prefer touch lamps, the clapper, or the old-fashioned light switch? touch is much more convenient. 4141. Can you 'berry talk'? no. 4142. Do you like vines on old buildings? don’t like it, don’t hate it. it can be pretty sometimes. How about grafitti on old buildings? depends on the art. 4143. When someone says 'it's been one of tose days' what do they mean by 'those days'? usually in a negative way. 4144. Have you ever owned those magic markers that could change colors? yes. 4145. It's not easy bein' ____. Fill in the blank as if you were speaking. green. 4146. Is there a song that has been stuck in your head since you were a child? haha no. 4147. Do you own anything plaid? nope. 4148. Do you recycle? yes. 4149. What is your strongest point? idk. 4150. What is your weakest point? What are you doing to work on that weakness? i’m lazy. nothing right now. 4151. Paraphrase (rewrite) this sentance without using any of the words currently in it that are more than 2 letters long (except THE you can use THE). If anyone should steal this survey from you they should paraphrase YOUR sentance and so on. Deep in the heart of turn of the century India a young mongoose is adopted by a british family no. 4152. A baby is born witha terminal disese. She will suffer agonizing pain for 5 years and then die. The mother gives the baby a sleeping medicine and it dies. Mom claims it was a mercy killing. Prosecution claims it was murder. You are on the jury. What is your vote? i’d have to listen to the entire case first. 4153. Why doesn't poetry say outright what it means? ask the poets. 4154. Read this sentance: It was dark in the subway and the man held a razor in his hand.  Now delete it. Done? Now write any sentance you want there instead. haha no.

4155. What is your opinion of Orson Welles? no opinion. 4156. If you were a lotion, what would your label say? super buttery. 4157. What side id your good side? left. 4158. Rewrite that sentance you deleted up there as best you can. Try to get the idea across even if you don't get the exact words right: no lol. 4159. What is your favorite work by Edgar Allen Poe? none. haven’t read anything by him. 4160. Of the following short stories which would you be most likly to read (based on titles alone if you aren't familiar with them, 1 is most likely 9 is least likely)?? Young Goodman Brown no. The Cask of Amontillado The Story of an Hour The Metemorphasis Barn Burning The Lottery A & P The Sandkings Minority Report 4161. What is the differance between a norm and a value? one is ‘normal’ the other is highly regarded. 4162. Can you think of a norm in your own culture that is different from a value in your culture? not right now lol. 4163. Who is your favorite star wars character? none. 4164. Why haven't we begun to colonize the moon? idk. 4165. What did you think of the shuttle columbia blowing up? i don’t know. 4166. What do you remember about the challenger? nothing. 4167. Is the force with you? no. 4168. What is your favorite spoof movie? scary movie. 4169. Would you ever own a(n): human slave? no to all. robotic slave (where the robot is consiouss of itself)? trained ape slave? human clone slave? 4170. What can no one stop you from doing? sleeping. 4171. Who would you be bored without? my boyfriend. 4172. What is your only hope? idk lol... 4173. Would you rather visit france or puerto rico and why? puerto rico because i’ve never been there. 4174. Have you ever corrupted someone or dragged them down? no. 4175. If you could say/teach one thing to all the youth of america what would it be? practice safe sex. 4176. Does any part of your body get in yyour way? no. 4177. Leia or Amidala? neither. 4178. Do you trust your feelings? most of the time. 4179. Do you feel empty or passionate most of the time? in between. 4180. What was your monet of triumph? huh? 4181. Explain what piety is: i have no idea lol. 4182. In what ways are you a rebel? i don’t always listen i guess. 4183. In what ways are you a conformist? well, i usually follow most rules. 4184. Do you likie movie endings that leave you wondering or tie upp all the loose ends? sure. 4185. What movie has the best soundtrack? aladdin. 4186. What adventure would you liike to undertake? just more traveling. 4187. Do you tip gas station attendants when you get full service? no. it’s not customary to tip here and we also have to fill up our own tanks. 4188. Do you own any souvineers; what from where? yes plenty. from everywhere. 4189. Does your age make you embaressed? sometimes. 4190. Are you the strong and silent type? no. 4191. What doo your shoes look like? i have a couple. 4192. Do you ever admire yourself while naked? no lol. 4193. If you could make someone's clothes magically disappear who would you do it to and where? i wouldn’t. that’s mean. 4194. Who is more foolish, the fool or the fool that follows the first fool? the follower. 4195. A good website for the bored (not a diary one): reddit. 4196. Did people REALLY land on the moon? yes. 4197. Would you rather live for a month in India or Alaska? alaska. 4198. What is one country you ould NEVER visit and why? north korea for obvious reasons. 4199. Who is the busiest person you can think of? sam. 4200. What is the average length of your relationships? 8 years lol.

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

[droppingthebasssince1997]

Even though its January 14th and new years was 14 days ago i just feel the need to talk about some stuff thats happened. Im not the kind of person to talk about things that happened. I’d rather keep it in and figure it out myself cause i guess I'm just used to it and also its so hard for me to voice out my emotions at some times. I just can never put it into words. 2017 was honestly the hardest year of my life and i know there are people out there who have it way worse but it was pretty shitty. So many things happened. I fell in love with an abusive, angry, self indulged coke head who made me hate myself and made me feel like everything i did in life was stupid. I stopped believing in myself, slacked hella in school, skipped school to basically be his fucking maid. all i did was clean, cook, sleep, drink and repeat this entire cycle. and if he was having a rough day well that just meant that id get yelled at for the tiniest things even if it means us arguing over who could get a can of pop. I guess thats when i stopped caring about everything, my mental health and physical health, my relationship with my family and friends (the 2 friends that i had lol) and my education. I was so lost and confused that I had pretty much given up on everything. I stopped trying to be positive or doing everything with a smile like i usually do. Long story short I had a little slip on june 9th. that was the day when i decided to end everything. fortunately enough i got stopped and long story short i got slapped with a record for trying to call out for help. Instead of saying its okay for wanting everything to stop in life for once, the first thing the psychiatrist told me at 12pm (after being taken in at 4am and being kept there) was that i was slapped with a criminal record. After he said that i guess i just shut down as usual. why the fuck would you consider someone a criminal for trying to kill themselves. Till this day i can't put the pieces together or come up with an idea of why they would do so. yes i had empty blow bags in my wallet and maybe its because i was drinking that night but still it made no sense in my head. It made me feel unimportant and unworthy despite everything that i had just went through. I didn’t talk to anyone for 3 days and funny story even tho i was told to stay away from alcohol my ex and his fam still got drunk and drank around me the entire night. the same night i got out of the hospital. I spent the first night alone because well everyone was partying and I didn't have any good friends to talk to. I lost kalli because i was dating a jerk and i lost kayla well basically because she had a busy life. long story short my parents found out i was lying about doing summer school and i went back to live with them beginning july. i really broke their hearts and my dad didn't talk to me or even look at me for 2 weeks. My dad is a sweetheart and in my 20 years on this planet he has raised his voice at me once and he apologized 30 minutes after. I really hurt them and I guess i waS still to dumb to see how i was still hurting them. i was still with josh the entire summer and i would come home hammered and coked out at 3 in the morning way past my curfew and fight with my parents. it got so bad once to the point where my dad and i got almost got into a physical fight. I was trying to leave the house and he grabbed all my stuff and chucked it. It was a horrible night. that was also the night i came clean to my mom about everything except coke because i don't think i could ever come clean about it. long story short i decided education was what i wanted to do for the rest of my life esp after having a great time during the summer being a summer camp leader. So i went back to kelowna to start year 2 well kinda. I was on probation cause i fucked year 1 up hard. i was still with that jerk but my good friends that i lived with made me realize what he was doing to me. he had me shoved up against car doors and walls while being right up in my face yelling at me. or getting made and pushing me because i accidentally lost cocaine. well i finally got the courage to break up with him for good. It was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. I never thought i could break up with him or get out of that abusive relationship. and sometimes it still hits me that I'm done with his bullshit for good and I'm okay. Im safe and I'm never going back there and he can never ever hurt me again. I guess I'm just scared and so fucking angry at myself for not seeing everything and the larger picture. I called myself a feminist for the longest time and would be like “how can girls stay in abusive relationships?” and now i know how. Being manipulated and controlled is a real thing. You are completely blinded by everything. your sense of power and identity get ripped away from you and your abuser becomes the only thing you have and find comfort in. Its weird and some people might not understand it. But i sure do and i finally realized all the things he had done to me. mentally and emotionally. anyways this is where 2017 got better for me. I started talking to my old friend edwin again. Josh made me ghost him when we got together. we talked everyday. it was like nothing had changed and within 2 days of talking to him i basically told him everything that happened in a year and 7 months. it was a lot tbh and i never actually noticed haha. but he stuck thru everything including my wild drunk nights out. I turned into something else and hoed around. I guess it was my way of dealing with stuff and found comfort in seeing guys? Because i didn't know who i was and my confidence was so used to being dependent on a guy for security and empowerment that i couldn't do it alone. I couldn't empower myself and thats mainly the reason to why i slept around. anyways edwin and i talked 25/7 day and night and we got so close without even realizing it. we gave each other relationship advice as he was seeing a couple girls and so was I. when i came back for reading break he kissed me and thats when i realized he had feelings for me all this while. I was so blinded by all these fuck boys to see he was right under my nose the entire time. and when he was flirting with me he actually was flirting with me and not joking about it. well i made a mistake after but long story short i liked him in an instant. i liked him more than like. i loved him but i knew it was too soon. i was scared to get serious so fast considering its only been a couple months since i broke up with josh. anyways he asked me out and i said yes in a heartbeat. He is not like any other guy and i know it. he’s far from them and he;s never going to hurt me. he didn't even have to say that to reassure me i just know. and I'm dating my best friend like how much better could it get. he helped me get sober and i could be 5 months sober but i had slip up. so its been 2 months fully clean and i couldn't feel anymore cleaner and pure. end of 2017 started to look better for me. I started dating my best friend, got sober, got out of probation, got a job in kelowna and my relationship with my parents got so so so strong. My mom and I haven't been closer and its honestly the best. little did i know we are the same person esp when drunk haha. But then some stuff with my little sister when down and i ratted her to my parents because it was the only way to get her out of that situation. anyways she doesn't talk to me anymore or ever. And i guess I'm so hurt and thats why i decided to write everything out because I'm hurt. I lost my best friend since 2013. yes she is my sister but she is also my best friend. If you ask me who i want as my bridesmaid id say shalini right off the hook. without thinking because when we moved here we had no one but each other. we moved half way across the country and left everything and everyone behind just because I  was failing school in singapore. we got close i guess after only having each other and it just stings a little that she can't trust me cause who do i trust now.I know i have edwin but its different. she’s my sister she just knows me like no body else. we were fobs together and we matured and grew together. i don't have any other girl friends i trust besides her. i don't have a girl best friend and i guess I'm just sad over that. I lost all my girl best friends cause of josh and the others are back home half way across the fucking world and i just don't mean as much as i used to to them. distance and time difference can play a part lol. I really don't know what got to me to talk about everything or at least a couple things but maybe its just cause i finally got my period after 3 months and I'm super emotional and hormonal? sighs anyways i know 2018 is going to be my year and so many things are happening this year its defs gonna be a year to remember. I just wish for my best friend to come back or for me to find a good girlfriend who's on my level and wants to talk to me about her date or texts me while she;s on her date or something or comes over to nap or eat food or netflx or maybe go shopping with idk. i know i already have a friend./ twin sister  like that, hanna, but she’s half way across the country and boy have we distanced. anyways i took like 45 mins typing this out and crying so i think its time to toughen up and get back to reality and life. Im a strong girl who’s been thru a couple things and with that experience of being hurt, used and manipulated I'm gonna make a change and 2018 is going to be waaaay different. I got this, all of it.

[i-amusemyself]

Every and all countries.

HEY ITS MY FAVE ANON!!!! 😄😄😄💕 Thankies!!!! (Sorry for the delay, ive barely had internet)

America: What is your favourite place to eat?I’m not really sure 😂 I dont ever really go out to eat and if I do I just end up going to McDonalds or Nandos tbh

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? ….I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention! I know if my head is somewhere else I’m terrible at keeping eye contact. Besides that I basically just laugh for one reason or another and say sorry 24/7.

Austria: already answered

Belarus: Is there anyone that you love? Family/friends/romantic interest etc.Oh hell yeah definitely!! I love my family one way or another ig. My friends, even the ones I don’t see often, I absolutely adore! I have like 5 people I would legit die for 😂

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings?I dont have any. I wish I did tho.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why?Yeah, I like singing since it sometimes helps when my mood gets down. I only really do it when I’m alone tho bc im shy

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you?I have 3 close friends tbh and id trust them with just about anything

Cameroon: Describe your culture.Lmaoooo what culture? 😂 I’m basically english and i dont even know if the things associated with that would be considered cultural? Idk we just drink tea, say sorry and are supposed to have a stiff upper lip at all times

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity?Not having to go to school 😂 idk tbh, sledging is kinda fun from what i remember?

China: already answered

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any?I very rarely hold grudges tbh, I let 99% of things go even if people don’t apologise. It’s hard to say where the line is without sounding overdramatic. I guess if they made my life so bad I considered ending it I wouldnt like someone too much (or if others saw that and continued to stay friends with them).

Cyprus: already answered

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past?Nah, not really. I try my best to look forward, not back.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?Ummmm, I’m not sure I could say I’m that active in it. I once wrote a long, anonymous letter to the headteacher or my school wrt the treatment and education of lgbt people. Besides that? I havent dont much. I’d go to a protest if there was one nearby that I supported.

England: Are you controlling?That’s hard to answer? Because when things happen my initial instinct is to control them. But I’m a lot more chilled out than I used to be, and continuing to try to improve on it. So the amount of things I actively try to control are very slim. The issues lies more with my hatred of vague plans tbh 😂

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you?I don’t open up to that many people, not really. Most the therapists I’ve seen have never got me at all. In terms of friends, some do get it, though it depends upon what specifically I’m trying to explain/show etc.

Finland: What do you prefer; kindness, sternness or apathy?Kindness, for sure. It’s nice to know other people might look out for you when you’re not necesarily in a place to look out for yourself. Sternness is just,, hard to communicate with and apathy can put me on edge.

France: How do you share love for those you care for?Most the time I just send them memes 😂 I try to make sure I’m honest and I don’t hold back with compliments. I also try to show then that I really am interested in them/their life, tho sometimes I worry I’m annoying them.

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?4 A levels whilst also juggling 3 jobs at one point.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?I rarely forgive myself for something without outside help, and even then it isnt guaranteed

Ghana: What is your favourite sport?Basketball, its the only one I understand 😂

Greece: Do you let others help you when in need?I do sometimes tell my closest friends if I’m in a really bad patch and out of options. Although, I become more focused on making them feel helpful than actually being honest when I can’t believe them etc.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust the most?My closest friends probably. Although there are different kinds of trust, so it varies with what I’m trusting and who I go to etc.

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you’ve had?I remember most of my dreams tbh, and for months too. Nightmares especially, but i wont share those bc theyre really horrific tbh. I had a dream a few months back that I died and went to heaven, that was nice. Like, it just felt so calm, I didnt want to wake up.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death?I dont so much fear death as fear excessive pain and suffering tbh. I’m okay with not knowing what, if anything, happens after we die.

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why?Not reaaally 😂 when I’m with people I know and trust I can pretty much be myself. But different people bring out different parts of me.There is a small part I crush right down bc I hate it, but it might slowly be fading.

India: How important is family to you?Idk, I’ve never felt super close to a lot of my family. I just sort of seem to find my own family, and theyre hella important to me.

Japan: Tell us a secret about yourself.I dont have that many secrets????? At all??? And the ones I do have I don’t tell for a reason 😂 lets go with: i have 2 moles and a shoulder dimple that look like a blob fish.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal?I love so many of them?!?!?!?! I love capybaras but also elephants and also gorillas???

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?Ah, I never do anything completely by myself 😂 Idk, managing to get to america on my own was pretty scary, but I did it.

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love hate relationship with?I mean according to my anxiety, everyone I love hates me 😂But erm, the only person who I can really think of is my old geography teacher. He was a legend and I loved him, but for sure he hated me.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave?Eh, idk. I don’t think I’m a coward, but it would depend on the situation.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often?Tumblr. I cant deny it.

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often?I have no idea, they usually overestimate me, though I don’t pay much attention to peoples expectations 😂 I genuinly have no idea, maybe I should ask my friends or something

Lithuania: Do you desire power?My initial answer is no, I’m not that interested in being powerful on a large scale. But I guess there are different kinds of power? Like, it would be nice to have the power to change other peoples lives for the better. Or the power that comes with being in government, which has always been something I’ve been interested in.

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration?Halloween. Without a doubt.

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong?I used to think I was strong, given some of the things I’ve been through. Now though I realise I just supressed all the emotions that came with them, which are all coming back, and honestly I’m a weak mess.

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person?No, not really. 😂 I mean, there might have been 100 times ive narrowly escaped death, but I wouldnt know it.

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, hobbit or wizard?I’ve never seen lotr/the hobbit ngl so just based on what I know I’ll say wizard bc magic

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?All of it. Idk, jealousy. Awkwardness. Inability to make conversation. Just who I am as a person.

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life?Idk, Ive been disappointed a lot 😂 my dad let me down p bad once, though i dont really wanna share the deets

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has ever done for you?My best friend bought me a necklace with “you are the light of my life” on it and I still can’t get over how cute that is 😄

Poland: Hardest thing you’ve been through?The thing that comes to mind was the longest and most stressful night of my life. I’d just broken up from school for summer that day and we had an estate agent coming to value the house the next day so we could move out of the Flood Zone. That evening it rained and rained and I ran around the village asking council people to help us but no one came so we stayed up till 2am pouring water from around the house into wheelie bins to try and stop it coming in. Then I had a breakdown in the bath and just remember feeling so trapped. I never want to go through that again.

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone?Oooooh thats a tough one! Bc living forever would surely involve a lot of time alone. I think I’d hate it tbh, 80 years is enough for me 😂 but dying alone is like, my greatest fear tbh. So I’ll say live forever.

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered?Idk, just as a good person that maybe helped a few people out, I suppose. I mean, sure I’d love to find a cure for cancer and change the world etc but gotta be realistic

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of?There are parts of my body I hate so much I’ve genuinly considered taking a knife to them myself. I also struggle to deal with the whole gender/sexuality thing, no matter how much people tell me its okay.

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?For sure, yeah. I really struggle to love myself in any way, it’s an alien concept to me and I’ve always been taught to keep my mouth shut about anything I actually do like.

Sealand: Who is your best friend?My bro @only-slightly-dangerous lmao

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage?I absolutely looove milkshakes (despite being lactose intollerant 🙄), especially oreo ones

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you?Lmaooo I don’t 😂 if they say anything personal, I take it to heart. I might try to talk back but I’d just screw it up.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality?Ummm, idk, I don’t really think about the words I could use to describe my personality? I guess I quite like my sense of humor. Idk.

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance?I don’t want to sound like,,, a twat,,, but I don’t really think I’ve ever really badly hurt someone (not knowingly or intentionally anyway). The only person I can think of is someone I cut off for being a bad friend… so I don’t really feel too bad about that.

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower or independent?Lmao all of the above, depending on the circumstances 😂 I don’t mind leading things and taking charge, Im quite good at being organised. But equally I don’t mind following other people if I agree with their plans. I also love being independent and doing things alone, bc it feels free and you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good or neutral?Good, I think. I try to be a good person. Sometimes my initial reaction or thoughts might not be good, but I always want to do the right thing.

Thailand: How good is your poker face?If I’m just pissing about, not great. I just laugh. But if I’m serious it’s pretty good, if I can say that 😂 I’m good at acting when I want to be.

Tibet: What do you value most?What?? As in a quality? Or objects?? Idk. People with good intentions, I’ll say that.

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you?I have a lot of feelings towards them, not all of them good. I’d rather not talk/think about it rn though.

Turkey: Would you ever want children?Without a doubt, yeah. I’m not sure if I’d have my own or adopt, maybe both. I’m not that naturally maternal; I love kids but knowing how to talk/react to them doesnt come naturally. Im probs more of a dad 😂

Uganda: How would you like others to see you?I dont know???? Just as a kind and trustworthy person that genuinly cares and will always try my best to help when I can.

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?I have no idea. I don’t feel like a very strong person at all. My life just feels like a long string of events I’ve had to cope with.

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself?I don’t really,,, feel pride 😂😂😂 like I honestly can’t think of a time I’ve felt like that. I guess I’m pleased I did well in my A levels? But even then I wouldnt say I’m proud.

Yemen: What kind of art do you like?Its hard to describe? I know it when I see it 😂 I’m not too bothered about portraits and paintings of dull landscapes, but equally some modern art is barely Art. I quite like paintings that are bright, or tell a story. I also like sculptures if theyre based on cool stuff like, the human body ooor dragons idk. Mosaics are p nice too

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklaw?I’m not sure I know many folklaws 😂 The person that comes to mind is rumplestiltskin, but I think thats only bc I love his chacter in Once Upon a Time

[diondecarnate]

durrin the trip up to washington i was drivin with my mom, uncle, and lil bro. in my uncles car. hes six months older than me right, so i guess some of the screaming and backseat driving that would occur whenever he managed to wrestle the wheel (of his car) away from my mom is like, to be expected??? but also it led me to notice a bunch of like, real uncool shit my mom does all the time. and its all behaviors my little bro does too but i never realized the connection till now?? like just a bunch of him driving just fine, my mom yelling at him from the backseat to slow down, slow down, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. and whenever he would go yo maybe you could chill out a bit?? my car and also i do know how to drive, she would retaliate with wELL YOURE GIVING ME AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND NOW I KNOW YOURE DOING IT ON PURPOSE.

 like uh, no? you just have some control issues mom. but thats the exact same stuff my lil bro does, if you call him out on his bullshit behaviors youre making him feel bad, anxious, suicidal. so i got some alone time with my mom and i tried to start a conversation about this. just like hey i feel like it would be better if you and my uncle talked about these things rather than just yelling about it and then pretending like nothing happened a few minutes later. and she totaly dismissed me with a “oh haha no one in this family talks things out its just not how its done” and im just like that is so extremely and totaly unhealthy??????????? 100% uncool and not ok????? and suddenly theres just this fucking click of oh. shes right though. nobody does do that. theres just a bunch of yelling and no one ever stops to try and let the other person explain the reasoning behind their actions, lets there be any kind of conversation about the problem. and thats probably one of the big reasons behind all the fucking tension everywhere in the family!!! No one is just fucking talking to eachother!!!!!!!!!!!!

 like my mom learned this behavior from her mom and my uncle is learning it from p much everyone in the fam (though i will say i got to talk to him alone too and i mentioned this and i think he had a similar oh shit yeah moment so hopefully this unhealthy bullshit can end with us) and its just like communication is so so so important in all relationships. when boundaries are crossed you cant just yell “HEY! HEY!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CROSSED MY BOUNDRY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCK YOU” cause that leads to the other person just yelling back “HEY FUCK YOU FOR YELLING AT ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” however if you go “hey, im really pissed off and hurt cause you crossed this boundary, and this is why that boundary is important to me, and i get that you didnt yet know that but now that you do i would much appreciate if you didnt cross that boundary again” you can open up a conversation of “oh sorry i didnt realize that was a boundary, heres my explanation for my actions and why they seem reasonable to me” “thats cool but this is why i need that boundary not to be crossed” 

course its not always gonna go like that but if it doesnt then uhhhhh snip snip motherfucker gonna get cut outta my life real quick. but an example of this working really well is when we first got a roommate at my dads and she messed around in my cupboard in the kitchen, going so far as to move my very expensive kitchenaid mixer. i did get angry at first, but instead of just passive aggressively moving all my shit back and telling her to not ever touch it again i told her that i didnt like it when she did that, and why. how important my kitchenaid is to me, how important my space is to me, just stuff like that. and she listened, and explained why she did it (wanted the kitchen clean) and i said yeah thats cool and all but next time maybe just get me and ill clean out my cupboard and then we dont have to worry about this. and she agreed.  and then the problem was fixed. rather than festering and becoming worse, ending with us just being perpetually angry at eachother. 

like i just fucking hate it at this point. how comfortable everyone, my gma, gpa, uncle, mom, brother, everyone in the family has gotten with this. the constant arguing that happens because no one will just sit down and have a fucking conversation about problems that have been going on for years. theyve all just accepted it as how it is, and its just such bullshit. 

my mom kept up a steady stream of how we could all live together somewhere on the coast and it surprised me how visceral and immediate and negative my reaction was to that. and as ive thought about it its just this thing of i dont want to live anywhere near any of these people actualy. i love them, i love them all very much (cept my gpa, hes an asshole) but id really prefer to live at least an hour and a half away from every one of them. just far enough that visiting me is a bit of a hassle, you kinda have to make a day out of it. i really wouldnt mind living 5 or 6 hours away. i just really dont want to see any of them on a regular basis really. i think maybe once a month is stretching my quota tbh. 

#my family are all assholes #and theyre all exhausting to be around #mostly im just sorta #weirdly?? #extremely greatful that ive somehpw #how #recognized the pattern #i can only hope that any of my future relationships are a million times more healthy than any of my families have ever been #my mom told me earlier in the summer that there are cousins that have literaly cut off all contact from this side of the family cause #'we're too crazy for them haha' #and tbh #i can see the appeal #tasha tells tales #thanks for the therapy sesh #how much do i owe ya