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#take care of yourselves please
helsinn · 1 year
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Deities & Burnout
There tend to be a lot of intersecting with these two topics, unfortunately.
Among practitioners new to deity work, we often see them rush into it without asking necessary questions. Sometimes they don't have the proper base knowledge, sometimes they take on too many deities at once, sometimes they don't have the time.
Many practitioners have their own stories being in this situation, while this is most certainly a good way to learn better, the burnout and anxiety can be pretty harmful. If there's anything I could recommend to new deity workers it would be to do your research and ask questions like...
Do I have the time to dedicate towards deity work?
Do I have the energy to put towards deity work?
What sort of resources would I need?
Etc.
Another form of deity work and burnout can be seen with people who have sunk a bit more time and resources into deity work. Many individuals will prioritize their deity over their needs and self care.
You need to maintain your health and energy, its very easy to forget that or have it escape you, but it is very important. For individuals in this situation, I recommend you take some time to communicate with your deit(y/ies) about what's going on, if you need to cut back, etc.
Most deities do not want you to burn yourself out. Try your best to take care 💜
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quillirio · 1 year
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Ok i just figured out what a PMDD is and it explains a lot about how these past few months have been not so subtlety kicking me in the gut?
now im looking through the PMDD tag and suddenly my urge to scream and cry and destroy everything and then break out of my mortal flesh and be a scraggly little skeleton skittering across the ceiling with no uterus in sight makes a LOT more sense.
So like there’s other people who feel this way too??? People who also want to destroy the entire world and then crack it like an egg to make an omelette and then eat it in one sitting and then lose your appetite altogether for the next few days until finally your body decides to perform its unholy blood ritual?
This only started up for me VERY recently but damn. You people with PMDD are very strong to have held yourselves back from turning the world into an omelette. Hats off to all of you 🎉 hopefully i can be as strong as you all someday
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littleheartbeat · 10 months
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Hiya there!!!
I just wanted to drop in and say hi to everyone, and that I’m really sorry for dropping off the face of the earth like that. I’m especially sorry to those who popped into my DMs to say hi, and who went unanswered.
I’ve been handling the grief of an immediate family member of mine for the last few months now, and I’ve been struggling with managing. It’s been real tough for me. It’s been a bit tougher having to have that mental image of them in the hospital for days.
I’ve been going through it, but I’m managing. I hope you all have been doing well!!! Sorry again for dipping out. I’m going to try and be active a bit more soon 💖💖
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warraigoe-aa · 1 year
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god, i’ve been,,, feeling so bad lately. i keep losing mutuals, and i’m trying not to take it to heart, but damn does my mind keep spinning.
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pignoblade · 2 years
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Will probably not update this blog anymore
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espytalks · 1 year
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gonna visit my mom in the hospital tomorrow. hopefully i can show her what ive been working on lately, and hopefully i can finish these someday.
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braisedhoney · 4 months
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well wishes from the void
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lilkoalaprincess24 · 2 years
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i need to learn to take better care of myself 😅 i haven’t been feeling well and couldn’t tell why?? 🤔 i check my food diary and i haven’t eaten anything since my avocado toast 12 hours ago 🫣 oopppsies please don’t forget to eat!! not good!!! send help!!!
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cheekyquokka · 1 year
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I’m not familiar with the group but I just wanna say I’m so sorry for the fans and even more so his family, friends and members. I also wanna say, do not feel silly if you are upset. You are allowed to grieve people that you don’t know personally. Whenever stuff like this happens, there are shitty people who go out of their way to try and make people feel stupid for reacting. Ignore them. Again, you are allowed to grieve for people you don’t know personally, there’s nothing silly about that.
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kingprinceleo · 24 days
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just kinda a thing i wanted to say since ik i have younger artists following me (its applicable to everyone really, but very important to form care habits as early as possible) i read about others artists experiencing pain from overworking and i always thought to myself, i wouldnt let that happen to me, im real young, i still have time before i have to worry about really damaging my body
but your body really doesnt care, if you push yourself, if you ignore the pain, its going to fuck you up. maybe for the rest of your life please god take care of yourself when you draw, write, game, literally anything. stretch your wrists, fingers, dont keep your elbow in a locked a position for too long, especially dont lean on your elbows. get up around every 45 minutes, drink water, eat food, use the bathroom, stretch your whole body and your hands again. walk outside and let your eyes readjust your body is trying to communicate with you for a reason when you start hurting, please listen to it, be kind to yourself, you deserve it
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thefemalejoker42069 · 10 months
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Today my heart is so unbelievably heavy for Carlee Russell, who was lured out of her car and is now missing.
For the Somali girl whose brother, who is now being praised by thousands of men online, mutilated her for not wearing a hijab in a tiktok.
For the indigenous girl who was sold and raped by marines at Camp Pendleton.
For the little girl from Afghanistan who is begging her father to let her get an education.
For every single woman and girl who is currently facing injustices beyond comprehension at the hands of men as I type this.
No people should ever be made to endure such relentless violence and trauma. No humans should have to be built to handle this much suffering.
I just don’t even know what to say anymore. All of us deserve so much better than this.
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swirlsandtwirls · 8 days
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If you’re seeing this, don’t forget to take a water break while you’re scrolling.
Good subs hydrate!
Good subs take care of themselves!
How is Daddy or some sexy file ever going to ruin you if you ruin yourself? Take care of yourself, then get your mind and body wrecked later. 🥰
Reblog to remind other good subs, too!
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quaranmine · 2 years
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I remembered I drew TFC once as a art request back in 2021. It was my favorite drawing of the batch because he looked so warm and friendly, so I thought I'd repost it again separate from the others.
I will miss TFC greatly. He was such a positive addition to the server. He wasn't always online but his precense was really noticeable. I think it was a good thing for me, and other young people, to see a disabled older man on YouTube, having fun and playing video games in an area of the internet that is often dominated by young people. He was everybody's Minecraft grandpa ❤️
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0kayblue · 1 year
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Blood Trail
Blood Trail
Your most recent mission was to rescue the President's daughter, it was supposed to be a simple rescue mission in and out. Things go from bad to worse quickly once you seek shelter in a barn.
 [PART II] 
Main Character Relations: Leon Kennedy x Reader 
Word Count: 5k (a little over) 
Angst, mentions of violence, knives, hand to hand combat, guns, needles, pills, blood, and previous NSFW affairs
A/N: HELLO ALL!! If you can’t tell by the terrible summary this is set in the re4 setting. I’m biased. I’ll probably be going on a break after this, but enjoy!!! I send my love and hope you are all doing alright. 
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Search and rescue, that was the name of the game and you were damn good at it. Even if you were flipped around and upside down, you knew how to find things. It was a skill that most in your field wished they had and spent hours trying to learn. Committing to memory how to identify what tracks belong to either what animal or vehicle. Trying to teach themselves what to look for and when to look for it. 
You shined when it came to tracking people. You could quite possibly find yourself over the moon when you spotted boot prints. You could tell a lot about someone based on their footprints. How someone moves is a very telling thing; how far apart each footprint is, the density of each step conveying the urgency in their stride. They told stories and it was up to the observer to translate them in the best way they knew how. 
It took an understanding of people and a bit of a sixth sense. It’s where rookies and professionals alike messed up, but not you. You weren’t always one hundred percent correct, but you always ended up in the right direction. It gained you respect, rank, and a reputation. 
So, as you sat in the back of a police cruiser studying the way the two police officers interacted with one another you put together a mental file on each of them. They seemed quite laid back and easy going individuals that didn’t take much of anything seriously. Joking and laughing- you had no clue what about- like they weren’t on clock. It was a nice change and caused you to smile lightly; it was nice to bask in a partnership that wasn’t so grounded in solemeness. 
You glanced at Leon who rested against the window, staring rather dramatically out of it lost in thought. You rolled your eyes before nudging him gently, “Hey, pretty boy.” You mumbled audibly enough to not draw attention from the officers in front. 
Leon scoffed at the nickname that you gave him the moment you met him months ago. He had a love-hate relationship with it because he knew it was supposed to knock him down a peg; but it fell from your lips in such a flirtatious way that it sparked a warmth in his stomach. Adjusting subtlety, his eyes locked with yours, “What, Princess?” 
Of course he didn’t let ‘pretty boy’ slide and upon seeing how the staff treated you like royalty- and how you had a number of them eating out of your hand- he bestowed you the title of ‘Princess’. There really wasn’t a thing you could do about it and you were more than willing to accept your karma if it hadn’t bit you so hard in the ass in the bedroom. The way it made you squirm under him only stroked his ego. 
It was only predictably natural for two flirtatious agents to find themselves tangled up in the sack once or twice. Although in the particular case of you two it was becoming a more common thing. The palpable energy between the two of you could start a fire. It was fun and loose with no serious title, the way close relationships between agents were recommended to be. 
“You think we could switch roles with these two? I’ll be the funny one.” 
“You can’t be the funny one, I’m the funny one.” His tone dry with a little smirk to match. 
“Damn, really? You could have fooled me.” Little giggles creeping from your throat as you said it, causing him to chuckle. 
“Why am I always the one who draws the short end of the stick?” One of the officers cuts through the moment with laughter, speaking in English for one of the first times since picking both you and Leon up. 
Your eyes left the ocean of blue as your attention turned back to the officers in front of you, fully focused now that they were ready to talk. His eyes stayed on you though, a flower that he’s been neglecting sunlight continuing to bloom.
———————————————————
This was not how this was supposed to go, it was supposed to be simple. It was supposed to be an in and out type of job; find the target, save the target, and get the hell out of dodge. 
Breathing in as much air as your body allowed your hands found your knees and trailed down your legs, trying to keep them from shaking. You stood turning to Ashley as you did so, “Are you okay?” You asked concerned, approaching her cautiously as a hand found her shoulder. Your hand pressed against her shoulder with a light firmness as you rubbed her shoulder and then her shoulder blade. 
Ashley Graham, the President’s daughter, the target; a sweet young woman whose adult life was starting off more than just rough and bumpy despite the cushy life she has had. 
Her typically chipper and welcoming persona was gone and all that remained was a scared little girl who just wanted to go home. 
Ashley shook slightly as she tried to catch her breath, wanting to lie, but she couldn’t as she shook her head. You just nodded and continued to rub in between her shoulders and give her time. 
She’s been here longer than you have, she’s seen more than you have; and you only hoped that it hadn’t ruined her outlook on life forever. 
“Take a minute. We should be safe where we are, for now at least.” Leon said as he boarded up a makeshift door in the average sized barn you tried to take cover in. 
“You wanna take a seat, dear?” You asked her as you guided her to a sturdy enough looking chair that sat tucked under an even less sturdy looking table. You smoothly guided her to the seat as your hand left her shoulder, “Is there anything I can do to make this easier?” Your eyes locked with hers to convey your genuine concern for her well being. 
Ashley was a victim. She was someone who didn’t deserve this and it wasn’t fair, but unfortunately it was the cards she had been dealt. Regardless of the paycheck you cared for every victim that you tried to save and Ashley was no different. Trying to make her as comfortable as possible was your primary goal. 
As you reached for the aid kit that was firmly strapped to your thigh, you could hear a drained sigh escaping Leon’s lips over the crisp sound of velcro separating. He was your next concern, but you had to focus. Opening the neatly organized pack that had an assortment of different first aid items like ointment, pills, and bandages on one side and on the other side had syringes filled with morphine and sedatives. 
Ashley’s face turned up at the needles, but you just smiled, “Those aren’t for you, unless you are under some severe pain. You aren’t, are you?” You asked, your tone smooth and gentle. 
“No.” She shook her head, “I just have a headache.” 
You pulled out the little bottle labeled tylenol and got her two of the little red tablets, “Can you take pills without water? What about scratches and cuts, anything we need to bandage up?”
“I don’t like to, but I can.” She affirmed as you handed her the pills, you sent her a warm smile. 
“I don’t either.” You admitted, watching her struggle to take the pills. “That should help, if you need more don’t hesitate to ask, okay?” 
She nodded and you put a hand back on her shoulder, “Take a breather, collect yourself, we will step forward when you feel strong enough to continue.” Ashley sniffed, trying to hold back a flood gate of tears you crouched down to force her eyes to connect with yours, “I know this is hard, but I need you to know that you are going to be okay. Leon and I are going to get you out of here, okay? I promise.” Ashley shut her eyes tight as she took in a deep shaky breath. 
She felt guilty at the feet of your unconditional kindness. She felt as if she had doomed you for failure. How could you promise a happy ending without even knowing half of the story? Something was inside her, something beyond her control; a plague coursed through her body that could turn her into something that sent ice through her veins. Made her so unsure of who she ever was. 
“Ashley.” You called for her, causing her to open her eyes. “It’s okay to cry.” She turned away and slowly she started to feel it; she started to cry. “Can I hug you?” 
“No!” She choked out as she flinched away, “N-no…can I have a moment? Please?” She begged as your brows furrowed together in concern. 
It wasn’t unusual for victims to want to be left alone to cry; to hide. But this felt different. Ashley wasn’t one to hide away from people, she was one to ask for help. To seek comfort in those she trusted. Either she didn’t trust you or something bigger was at play. She trusted you; that much you knew or she wouldn’t have taken the pills from you. She may be a little on the naive side, but she most certainly wasn’t stupid. 
You nodded even though your stomach turned, “Okay, I’m going to go check on Leon. I’ll be right over there and-.” 
“I know! Okay, I know.” Ashley snapped at you, causing you to raise an eyebrow. This put you on guard, but you turned your back and went to Leon. Something was wrong and you were counting on your counterpart to fill you in on the details. 
Approaching Leon you studied his features and how he carried himself. It was off and it was odd, usually Leon was well kept regardless of the hell he was going through; but he seemed disheveled. His posture was slacked, but still stressed and he was pale. The bags under his eyes visible from a mile away and a dark shade of purple accompanied them. You leaned against the wall next to him and you could barely pick up on a trace of him regardless of the fact that you were standing right next to him. 
“Penny for your thoughts?” You asked with a playful smirk, being who you always were with him. You’re own way of telling him it was okay. 
“I lost you.” His voice came out like gravel, low and gruff. You barely heard the sentiment, but it was there. If you weren’t working you would’ve pondered on it, even blushed, but you were on the clock. You had learned your lesson the hard way about relationships on the clock. 
“I found you, though.” You tried to send the same amount of sentiment back regardless of the cool composure you maintained, “It’s what I do. I told you, I’d be okay and I was.” 
He wasn’t pleased with your answer. Leon knew you could hold your own, he knew that you would find him; but that still didn’t settle his stomach. This time had to be different.
“Look how far you got without me, though. You got Ashley and we met up, so I’d say we are back on the right track. Although,” you paused and lowered your voice, “Something is off.” Your gaze found Ashley. 
“That gut of yours.” He remarks with a smile. A sight to behold that causes you to relax slightly. “Whatever the hell is going on here goes deeper than we think.” He swallows harshly as he tries to fight a cough from escaping from his chest. A thick substance that he carelessly writes off as mucus lodges itself in his throat. 
“So it appears. I’m worried about Ashley. I don’t know the girl personally, but from what I’ve seen and read, the girl I’m helping isn’t the girl I studied.” 
“Saddler-.”
“Who?” You cut him off, the name rings a bell as some of the people you killed out of defense mumbled it as they fell to become one with the earth below them. 
“Creepy guy, he’s got portraits everywhere.” You nodded and he continued, “Ran into him when I got Ashley out of the church. He said he injected her with a gift. The same gift those brain dead puppets have out there.” He explained, conveniently leaving out the part that he was also given the same gift. That the same plague was bestowed upon him and that slowly he was turning into the things you killed with sympathy. 
He didn’t want you losing focus. 
“Interesting, that changes the game.” You started second guessing your choice in giving Ashley the Tylenol. “A cure?” 
“Not that I know of. I crossed paths with an ex-cop turned lab technician, or whatever, if anyone knows it’s probably him.” Leon said, trying to choke back another cough. 
“Did this mystery guy have a name?” You tread lightly with concern while Leon turned and coughed. 
“Luis Sera.” He managed to get out through the violent coughs that shook through his chest. Your hand found his back and you hit him lightly, encouraging him to cough up whatever was causing him trouble up. He could practically feel your questions with each gentle but firm hit. 
“You okay?” He shook his head as he turned away, covering his mouth with the fingerless gloves. The leather scent of them makes it harder to get a gasp of fresh air. 
Worry started to course through your bloodstream as you started to rub his back as soothingly as you could. “Leon-.” You were cut off as his coughing ceased just as quickly as it appeared. 
As he stood upright and pulled his hand away noting the faint color of red before wiping his hand on his pants. Playing it off by reaching for his gun, hoping to all things holy you didn’t see. 
You didn’t, your eyes stayed trained on his face. Looking for any sign that could slightly convince you it was just a fluke; maybe he was allergic to something in the barn that caused him to have a coughing fit. 
Whatever it was, it was enough to send you into a course of action, “We’ve gotta find Sera.” 
Leon just gave you a nod of approval while you turned to Ashley. He watched you tread lightly with a sense of urgency, that damn gut of yours. He closed his eyes tight as he began to feel dizzy. The walls of the barn started to close in while he just stood there trying to compose himself. Eyes still closed, his heart beat racing, his veins starting to show black under his skin. His head pounding, the room spinning, an unfriendly heat surging from his chest, to his feet, to his hands. His eyes opened, but he was  unable to see a thing; blinded by a deep red that faded to black. The only thing he could make out was a threat. 
“Ashley.” You called lightly trying to keep your concern below the surface, “I hate to break what you’re going through up, but we’ve got to move.” Ashley sniffed, before turning to you. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she looked better. Almost how you would expect her to look after crying if this had never happened to her, if an irreversible trauma hadn’t tainted her. 
“Okay, it’s okay. I’m ready.” She said with convection as she stood to meet you. Her blood ran cold when she saw a gun pointed at you with intent to kill. “Stop! Leon!” She shouted in desperation, signaling for you to duck. 
It was in the nick of time as you ducked, the sound of a bullet ringing through your ears; just barely missing the side of your head. You turned and stood upright quickly as you glared Leon down, “What the fuck was that-!” You damn near screamed at him before assessing the situation. You weren’t looking at the Leon you knew, you were looking at someone you had never seen before. “Ashley, hide.” You demanded, trying to keep your voice from wavering. 
Leon went to shoot again, but in a twist of luck  the gun harshly clicked. He was out of bullets and you needed to take advantage of the moment. Charging towards him you sent a harsh kick to his wrist while he reached for ammo with the other. The successful kick knocked the gun out of his hand, but he countered by grabbing your ankle. He yanked you by your leg closer to him, pulling you from the place you tried to plant yourself. 
You managed to break out of his tight grasp by swinging a punch towards his jaw. You stood on both feet while he turned with a pained hiss. When his gaze met yours a guttural growl escaped through gritted teeth. His chest puffed out, his jaw clenched, and his eyes clouded over. He was ready to fight. 
The sight struck the fear of God in you. It made you hesitate, it made you vulnerable; and he took advantage of it. He punched you damn near square in the face, holding nothing back. The force sent you stumbling backwards and seeing white. You kept yourself from falling by focusing on the white noise that rang through your ears. You couldn’t make that mistake again. 
You coughed trying to get some air as you saw him go for another hit. You blocked it and made a swipe for his legs. Trying to buy yourself time so you could figure out a way to de-escalate the situation. You were no match for Leon as far as hand to hand combat was concerned. You fought from a distance, you shot from a distance; foresight was your way of survival. 
As he fell to his knees you tried to put him into a chokehold, but the moment he found his footing you were off the ground. He flung you forcefully over his shoulders and onto solid ground. Your head pounded as you saw stars and swore that your skeleton was permanently imprinted into the ground. Your lungs struggled for air as he firmly pressed his forearm to your throat, straddling your hips. 
You squirm underneath him, kicking and thrashing, desperately searching for a way out. He grabbed his knife from its sheath on his chest. Tears beaded on your lower lashes as you used every ounce of strength in your body to push his solid forearm from your throat. 
His eye contact never faltered as he lifted his knife into the air; ready to take the final step and end this. 
“No! Don’t hurt her!” Ashley shouted causing him to falter. His grip on you loosening enough for you to move your head up enough to clamp your teeth into his flesh while you harshly thrusted upward to allow you some space to get away from him. You quickly tried to scurry away from him, but his attention quickly returned to you. He reaches for your leg and barely misses. You slip through his fingertips and the only thought on your mind is distance. You need to see this situation from a different perspective, it was your only chance. 
Quickly getting to your feet you finally reach for your gun. Despite the way your body shakes you hold the gun firmly, “Don’t make me do this, I don’t want to do this.” You plead, nearly falling to your knees, “Please.”
Leon just grunted as he stood upright, he was hesitant as he stared at you. You didn’t make a single movement thinking that he may have been blinded. Your voice reaches him, causing him to see glances of you between the vision of a monster. He was fighting a monster, he only saw a monster. It was trying to take Ashley, it was trying to take you. It was real, wasn’t it?
“Leon? Can you hear me? Can you see me?” You call out in a whimper you can’t hide. Lowering the gun you took a cautious step forward and then another seeing as he didn’t move. Ashley held her breath looking for anything to help her defend herself if this went south. 
“H-He’s got the virus…h-he can’t see a thing…” Her voice low as she slowly began to talk with a stutter full of fear, “I-I know, because I-I have it too…”
You couldn’t help but to wince, this whole thing was sideways in the worst way. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. You could feel your heartbeat in your head as you whispered, “I know, I know.” 
Leon stumbled backwards in confusion as time and his senses meld together as he threw a punch at nothing.
 He sees a large heavy set man, his head replaced with a red wet pulsating organ; long sharp appendages sprouting from his spine and wriggling with malintent. The man goes to attack, but Leon dodges slicing a appendage off with his knife in the process. 
Watching him fight nothing made your heart break. You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know how to help. He was suffering and all you could do was watch. It made you sick and you had to change that. You had to help him. 
“You’ve had these outbursts? How long do they last?”
“They feel like hours…” She admitted, truthfully she had no idea. It was like a nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. 
“Okay,” you start trying not to lose your temper, “how do you get out of them?”
“I-I don’t know…I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay, you’re okay. We’ll figure this out.” Your brain moves a hundred miles a minute as you try to connect the dots. You examine the room looking for an exit, running seeming like the only option. The only out was blocked though and boarded up by Leon only minutes before. 
Another way, there had to be another way. 
Your eyes find the table and your pack on the table. A lightbulb went off as you moved towards it slowly; careful to not alert Leon and keep him in the battle he was currently fighting. Quietly and carefully you pulled out a syringe filled with Amobarbital, a sedative that would send him to the ground. 
You tried not to shake as you started to explain your thought process to Ashley, “I’m going to corner and sedate him. If something goes wrong you need to hide until he comes to, okay? Careful though, don’t make any sudden movements, just stay as still as you can. If he leaves, do not follow.” 
Ashley nodded, finding a disregarded dumpster. She slowly moved towards it and climbed into it.
Her movements were gentle enough to not cause too much of a ruckus as you approached Leon from behind. As she reached for the lid, her palms sweaty and her hands shaking, she tried to pull it down. Crouching in the dumpster she almost made it until she slipped, letting go of the lid. A loud bang caused Leon to stop what he was doing and turned in the direction of the dumpster. Quick and powerful strides being made in her direction were quickly stopped when you started talking. Your tone is firm and demands attention. 
“Flesh and bone. That’s all you are, flesh and bone.” 
Leon turned sharply in your direction, cloudy eyes with the intent to kill. He charged at you with his knife pointing directly at your face. You dodged and he stumbled, but was quick to recover. 
“You remember that? That depressing conversation we had the night before we got here?” He went to throw a punch but you roughly kicked him in the chest sending him backwards. 
“What about the time you were so scared that you hurt me in training and you spent the rest of the night searching for my pulse?” You grunted planting your feet and punched him. You were pissed because this man was not the man that you had grown lovingly accustomed to. The man you had started to fall for. 
All Leon saw was a woman with a bloody knife who spewed memories from her throat. How could she have known that? There is no way she could have known that, but he fought regardless. With a broad stroke he knocked the side of her face with his own blade. 
You wouldn’t have noticed he hit you, if it wasn’t for the sting of your own blood rolling down your cheek. 
You successfully knocked the knife out of his hand as your other hand threw another punch to his jaw. You let out a small breath of shock before going to jab the syringe into his neck, but he caught your hand. He roughly pushed you backwards and against the wall. Your spine suffers as you let out a harsh wince of pain. 
“Fuck, Leon!” You try not to wail as his hand lets go of your fist and goes for your throat. Your free hand finds his wrist as his grip tightens. 
“How do you know that?” He barked the question with such intensity that it caused you to cower against him. “Where is she? What did you do?” 
“L-Leon…” You dryly strangle out, “Me. Look at me…” 
That woman’s voice turned to yours and slowly her features started to become yours. His grip around your throat loosening, starting to become unsure of what was reality. 
“Please…” you begged as you started learning to breathe again, “I know- I know it’s hazy.” You regained your grip on the syringe while the hand still attached to his wrist pushed forward. Your fingers find his index and middle finger and you pull them to your pulse, pressing firmly down so he could find it. So he could feel the pleading beats, identify the blood that coursed through your veins. 
You were pure and untampered and he started to see clearly. Glassy doe eyes peering into his eyes while his calloused fingertips felt the smoothness of your flesh. Your breath hitching in your throat as you saw particles of him returning. 
“(Y-Y/N)?” He stutters out, like a whimper still unsure, but questioning. You nodded and for a moment you thought you saw a light at the end of the tunnel. You were ready to fall to your knees and beg for forgiveness. 
But you always paid the price. The sound of wood breaking as a body slammed through the boarded up doorway. A tall, dark, greasy man stumbling through trying to catch his breath caused Leon’s grip on you to tighten. 
The oxygen leaves you quicker than it took you to breathe in. 
“Am I interrupting?” The man asked, causing Leon to lose his focus and you took advantage of the moment to stab the syringe harshly into his throat. Your thumb harshly pushing down on the plunger as you injected the sedative into his bloodstream. He let go of you, causing you to fall to your knees as harsh coughs rake through your chest. 
Leon sways slightly as he pulls the empty syringe from his neck. He blinks, the barn becoming clear to him now. Falling to his knees he looks at you, the utter terror on your face makes his blood run cold. Your wide eyes,  blood trailing from your cheek and down your neck, and the way your body trembles is the last thing he sees before he goes unconscious.
It takes a minute, but you crawl over to him and pull him into your lap. You find his pulse and he seems stable as you let out a shaky breath that you’ve been holding. You curl around him, tears pouring down your face as you try to keep yourself under control. The nightmare was over and you have never felt as sick as you did now. 
“Miss?” The man calls for you and you fist Leon’s shirt holding his body to yours before glaring daggers at the man.  
“Luis Sera?” You ask him, your voice low as it wryly escapes from dry lips. He saw all he needed to see to know that you were with Leon. 
“Sí.” He confirmed. 
“I need a cure.” 
———————————————————
Leon bumped shoulders with some agents, but he couldn’t care less as he ran down the hall and down the stairs. He was on his own mission and if he took a single moment you could be gone. His heart raced as he took the stairs to the final level of the building and out the side door. His eyes scan the dimly lit parking lot for your frame and he finds it against your car. He sees you reach for the door handle and he calls for you, “Hey!”
You are startled slightly, but you turn to look at him. You send him a warm smile and a little wave as he jogs to your side. Normally he’d send you warm regards back, but he was upset. 
“Slow your roll there, pretty boy. You’ve seen the way these people drive through this parking lot. Without a care in the world, granted I’m not one to talk.” You joke, your tone is light and airy. Your relaxed posture is a clear juxtaposition of his own.
“You’re transferring?” Your brows knitted together as your once small smile turned to a frown. 
“They told you, huh?” 
“They did.” His heart broke, having no choice but to believe it now that you confirmed it. 
“I was going to tell you over drinks this weekend.” You defend yourself with a shrug. 
“They also told me that you left out the barn incident in your debriefing.” An uncomfortable silence fell over the both of you as he looked at your bandaged cheek. He shut his eyes in pain, having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he could’ve killed someone he cared so deeply for. It was only a moment of relief though until the image of you so frightened of him appeared behind his eyelids. You were so scared, you were so scared of him. He shook it off with a deep breath as he opened his eyes, “If you’re leaving because of that, because of what I did, I swear to you that I will never work with you on a mission again.” 
Your eyes softened and you wanted to reach for him, but couldn’t. “Lee, no, that has nothing to do with the transfer. I trust you with my life.” 
It took everything in him to not wince at your words. How could you say that? How could you possibly mean that? After everything, you still genuinely trusted him. 
“Then why-?” 
“Because I felt like it was something they didn’t need to know the details of, so I wrote it off. Got in trouble for it, but they connected the dots from yours and Ashley’s reports. It’s all they needed.” 
“I…” He started, he had so much he wanted to say. He didn’t know where to start, he didn’t know how to handle this. “I don’t understand.” You just smile at him. His heart melted, but couldn’t bring himself to return your smile. 
“I don’t either.” You reassure him, “They’ve got a couple loose ends to tie up and they want me to finish the job, so I took the position. It’s only supposed to be temporary or did you even let them get that far before running out here?” 
He didn’t, he just left. Which he shouldn’t have, but hindsight was something he was still working on. A short laugh escaped him before admitting it to you, “No.”
You giggled as your hand went to cover your growing smile. You both soaked up this sense of normalcy for a minute, basking in the glow of each other. 
“You are something else, Kennedy.” 
“In a good or bad way?” His tone was flirtatious as he relaxed slightly. 
“A bit of both, just how I like it.” You gaze at him through half lidded eyes. He wanted to touch you, he wanted to pull you to his chest and kiss you so deeply that he would still linger on your lips as you drove home. 
He didn’t, as a fear of your rejection crept up his neck. He hasn’t laid a finger on you since you both had gotten back, not wanting to trigger your fight or flight reflexes. It was a miracle that you didn’t start running the opposite direction when you saw him. He’d let you come to him, he refused to force himself upon you. No matter how badly he needed to feel you. 
“When do you leave?” 
“Next week.” It hurt to finally confront, “Why? You want to throw me a going away party in the break room?” You joked, trying to cover up the pain in your voice. 
“Absolutely.” He said with a smile and you just rolled your eyes. 
“I’ll pass, but if you want to go out for drinks?” You ask, raising a brow. 
“Wouldn’t want it any other way.” He chuckled, his brain beginning to stumble over the word temporary. “How long is temporary, by the way?” 
“Hey, we have to have something to discuss over drinks.” You didn’t want to break it to him now that temporary meant almost two years. Your lips form a tight smile that didn’t fool him, but he understood. 
“Right.” An awkwardness starts to clog his throat, “You also didn’t mention Ada in your reports either.” 
You sighed, refusing to look at him as your stomach turned into an empty pit, “I’m afraid that’s another topic I’ll have to save until I have some alcohol in my system.” His brows knitted together and he sighed. Every conversation starter leads him to a dead end. Every excuse to spend more time with you coming up short. 
“I understand.” He didn’t, but he was willing to be patient. He owed you more than just his patience. 
“Listen, I’ve gotta get going. I’m meeting an old friend for dinner and breaking the transfer news to them as well. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” You go to open your car door and he just watches you run from him. Unable to move or speak as he prepares himself to wallow in the depression of your absence. 
“Tomorrow, Princess.” Your heart flutters at the nickname as you crack a smile. You get into the car and start the engine. You roll your window down and take a final look at him, your chest blossoming despite everything. 
“You still have stuff to do so don’t start something you can’t finish.” He smiles as you put the car in reverse and back out of your parking spot. “Goodnight, dear.” You shout from your window before rolling your window up and driving away from him. Leaving him in an empty parking lot while he waved you away. Leon let out a heavy sigh as his hands found their way into his pockets. 
His thoughts ran wild as he tried to think of a way to fix this.  
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artsyebonyrose · 11 months
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"it is so worth it, sticking out" are words i personally really needed to hear as of recently.
(mini personal chat under the readmore, vaguely going into depression/sui thoughts so pls don't read if you're not able to <3)
i felt that stream so deep in my bones. to keep it brief, the last three years i've been having Bad Thoughts pop up at various points to varying degrees, and this year i got it the worse it's ever been. i've finally come to the end of my three year uni course, and it's left me feeling this sick and awful dread that once it ends, so does my life. from january to march i was unable to work, just played nitw and felt like a husk, or crying. then i tried to pull myself out of it, and by early april i'd already fallen back in. its such an all consuming thing, and the Bad Thoughts have been daily. i've only just started poking my head back up mid may because i became obsessed with resident evil (lol) which has aided in distracting my mind.
what i'm trying to say is, what was discussed and said in today's stream resonated with me very deeply. and it's awful to see another person in a similar harrowing position. i don't know how to get better yet, but i'm going to try. and i hope you all are able to get better too. you deserve to!
and aimsey if you happen to read this, thank you for being here. thank you for staying. the world needs you in it.
nothing can take you down 💜
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icedmetaltea · 1 year
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While all these ai shenanigans are going on I thought it'd be a good time to remind ya'll of a couple stuff:
. The ai is not real
. It might feel real at times, eerily so, but that's because it was quite literally programmed to *sound* as real as possible
. If you fiddle with the script even a tad it will sound completely different, this is because it bases its responses off that and learned interactions through deep learning. It is merely mimicking the way people interact with each other because it is programmed to do that
. If you suffer from any sort of mental health issue involving derealization, delusions, disassociation (yep that's a lotta D's) or ANYTHING which affects your ability to tell fiction from reality, I suggest you avoid using the ai. I know playing with an ai is fun but it's not worth risking your mental health
. You cannot make the ai sad, angry, or anything else. It's. Not. Real. Again, everything it says is based off deep learning
. If you're under the age of 16, don't use it. There's a rule for 16+ in place for a reason... the scenarios can get *really* violent, including drug use, torture, death, etc. In fact, no matter how old you are, if these things greatly disturb you I suggest avoiding it entirely
. Be responsible for your own experience. If fiction starts to bleed into reality, step away and spend some time with loved ones. Go outside and get some fresh air. Reconnect with the real world.
. If you cannot go back to reality after an ai interaction, like if you get lasting emotional/mental effects from it, you need to take time away or give it up. Period.
. As ai stuff become more advanced in the future through better programming and deep learning, we need to understand now more than ever our limits.
. No matter how real it seems, it's not. Talk to irl people, get away from the internet, it's gonna be okay
This is coming from someone who used to have real bad psychosis, aka a condition in which you can't tell what's reality from what's not. I know for a fact it can fuck you up, so pls pls plssss take care of yourself. I love you guys and want ya'll to be okay
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