#sometimes it HAS BEEN that someone was gaslighting me or rude

[kidrauhlschik]

1. Tangled Memories ~ Lee Know AU

Post Traumatic Amnesia (PTA) is a transient state of confusion, disorientation and memory loss that occurs immediately following a traumatic brain injury. PTA is sometimes also referred to as post traumatic confusional state and can occur from the moment of injury until the return of continuous memory.

The accident was a tragedy.

But it was the best tragedy to ever happen to you.

~

This is part 1 - pt 2, 3, & 4 is in the masterlist linked above :)

Warnings: angst, f!reader, enemies to lovers, drunk driving, gaslighting, Fighting, yelling, cursing, angst, heartbreak, lies, angst, accidents, not proofread, minho is mean, lmk if I missed anything!!

Words: 3.5k

~

Being late was one of your biggest pet peeves. One time when you were 13, someone told you that being late was rude because it shows no regard for other people's times, and for some reason, that just stuck with you. Ever since, you have never allowed yourself to be late to anything, no matter how insignificant it may be. This is odd, because you truly do not mind whenever someone is late to do something with you. Even though you find it annoying at times.

Times like today, when you have been waiting for one of your best friends to pick you up for at least 30 minutes, you do find it a bit bothersome. Waiting for Bang Chan is always a chore, how can someone be late to everything? You are halfway convinced that he was probably late to his own birth. Maybe he'll be late to his own wedding as well. You wouldn't put it past him.

19:38

Christopher: here

"Finally!" You say to yourself at the sight of the message, as you jump out of the couch and quickly grab your wallet and keys.

Much to your dismay, Chris isn't alone. The literal spawn of Satan and the bane of your existence sits in the passenger seat.

It's not that you and Minho casually disliked each other, it was more so loathing and pure hatred. It didn't start that way, but the relationship has evolved to a point of no return.

Before you met Bang Chan, you met Minho, and the two of you were in the same class. It was eight in the morning, and you could say that neither of you were morning people at all. During your first encounter he spilled hot coffee on you after bumping into each other. Neither had seen the other, him because he was looking down at his phone, you because you had your eyes glued to the flash cards in order to study for a test. It was just unlucky.

"Dude, what the heck?" You ask, while looking down at your spoiled shirt and cards you were holding.

"That was like $6 dollars." He points at the cup on the ground.

Did he want you to pay for it? After he spilled it?

"And this shirt was like 30 bucks!" You told him

"Oh yeah? Cry me a river dude." The two of you got progressively louder in your argument until class started and you both walked to opposite sides of the room, huffing and puffing, but not bothering to come to a conclusion for the minor inconvenience.

The next time the two of you interacted with each other, was a couple of months down the line. Luck has never been your strong suit, so you weren't even surprised when Minho was announced to be your project partner. However, close proximity just made everything worse.

Every meeting the two of you held, turned into a screaming match. The arguments were always blown out of proportion, most of the time they were over the font size, or the color of the slides, sometimes it was over who would speak when. It was petty, but neither of you liked the other, and you were both petty people. Once the project was over, you made it your life mission to avoid him and he did the same to you.

Once again, your luck showed its true colors when your new friend Bang Chan wanted to introduce you to his group of friends. The second the two of you walked inside of the pizza parlor, you heard a loud groan.

Looking around to see where the sound came from, you were met with the only person you strongly disliked at your university.

"Please don't tell me that witch is your friend." Minho closed his eyes, fearful of what he knows Chris' answer was going to be.

"The two of you know each other?" Was his response and that sparked the never ending rivalry that you both had to this day.

In your head, you attempted to be civil, but in reality, you kept on belittling him, and always disagreeing with whatever he had to say. He always did the same to you, but you were both Chan's friend's and neither of you wanted to back down.

If either of you had been more rational, or less headstrong, then everything would have blown over, but you and Minho weren't mature at all. A petty resentment ended up turning into so much more.

One day, he brought the whole group coffee, but forgot to get you one as well. So in return, you invited the group for a night out, and you forgot to invite him.

He made plans for everyone to meet at an arcade, but he told you the wrong address, and led you to the one on the other side of town. He bought a new speaker, so you stole it when Chris was cat-sitting.

When everyone was in the lake, he casually picked up your phone and threw it in the water. The next day he had a swarm of bees infesting his car.

The "pranks" as you two would call them, soon became so much worse. All bets were off the table. The guys honestly thought that the two of you were the unluckiest people in the world, they no idea that you were the cause for each other's misery.

He would see your car parked outside of a shop, and would casually slash one of your tires. Then he would wait outside and say something among the lines of "That's unfortunate." And leave you stranded. In turn, you would go to his place in the middle of the night and black out his car windows with spray paint.

It felt like the two of you were out for blood. You were always arguing, the arguments always hit home for the both of you, always targeting insecurities and sensitive subjects. You tried not to talk to each other when out with other people, but the second either of you made eye contact or spoke, a small bomb always went off.

The guys tried keeping you separated from each other, but at times, the task was impossible to maintain.

The issue was that the two of you were too much like each other. Both with iron walls incasing your heart, both with words like venom towards those who deserved it, both with eyes as cold as ice, and both with burning fury that was reserved for one another.

Bang Chan would try to mediate, and get you guys to talk it out, he knew that if you did, you guys could be friends. Every time he tried, he'd end up having to put down a fire. The animosity was just too much, especially when neither of you could act like an adult and avoid conflict. So eventually, everyone gave up and viewed your arguing as the new norm.

"Why is he here?" You asked Chris as you climbed on the back seat.

"Why the fuck do you think I'm here?" Minho replies without taking his eyes off his phone.

"Someone called to get his car towed and he can't pick it up until Monday." Explained Chan as he began driving.

"Who would do such a thing?" Your feigned surprise earns you an eyeroll from Minho.

Neither of you ever told the true nature of your evil antics to the guys. The both of you actually cared about your friends, and you both were aware that if they knew, they would be pissed at the way you have been treating each other for the past year. Maybe they could let some mean comments slide, but nothing to this degree.

The car ride was mainly silent. Except for when you and Chan would be having a conversation and Minho would hop in with a snarky remark. When you arrived to Changbin's house, the area was neat and tidy.

Key words. When you arrived.

Now, there were cups everywhere, pillows thrown, liquids spilled, and much more. It's like a tornado had ransacked the place. However, it was no tornado, it was you and Minho.

The movie was long forgotten, and the rest of the guys were laying on the couch, scrolling through their phones, while waiting for the new argument to calm down.

It started over something stupid, as per usual, you had been sitting next to Jeongin. He was talking about the new Exorcist movie that was coming out, and you made a stupid joke about Minho being the scariest thing in the room.

Maybe it was the wrong day to mess with him, or maybe it was because his car was locked in a parking lot somewhere. One thing was for sure, it was definitely the wrong time.

He grabbed the little cushion nearest to him and chucked it your way with a little too much strength and it hit you straight in the face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's just a pillow. Calm down."

So without giving it much thought, you flung the cup that had been in your hand towards him, spilling red liquid everywhere, mainly on Minho.

"Here we go again." Whispered Jisung as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"What the fuck is your problem!?"

And like that, a full blown argument started, it went from throwing things and yelling, to finally approaching one another and yelling in each others faces.

Every now and then Chan would tune in to the argument, hoping that it would blow over as soon as possible. He was annoyed, but he knew it was bound to happen, even though he hoped it would be a smaller argument night. He cared so much about Minho and you, that's the reason he hadn't cut anyone out, but he had ran out of options. He knew why Minho was the way that he was, and he knew why you were just like him.

Minho had dreams when he was growing up. Dreams that he sacrificed everything for. He gave up on his youth to join a dance team in hopes to one day become a K-pop idol. He spent countless of nights practicing until the middle of the night. While everyone was out partying and enjoying their high school years, Minho joined a K-pop company and he had been so close to debuting with a group. He trained with said group for years, and became best friends with them. Once they were at the end of the race, Minho was cut from the group and let go by the company. All of his efforts, years, blood, and tears, wasted. Now he had to watch his closest friends become global super stars and he had nothing. He isolated himself and gave up on dancing, he vowed never to dance again. He enrolled into university and built walls around himself. He hated himself, and Chan figures that he still does. Haunted by the shame and guilt of never being good enough, he became bitter and angry. He held so much anger in. It wasn't until he met a shy boy called Jisung, when things changed for him, but his walls were still up. Despite caring about his friends, his scars still ran deep.

Chan didn't know much about you though. You only ever allowed bits and pieces to slip through your fingers. Your guard was up too. Lacking trust on everyone, you barely ever talked about your past. Always telling Chan and yourself that it was your own burden to carry, and no one should bother with it. He didn't know much about your family, the only thing you ever told him was in passing when talking about Christmas plans.

"Are you going home for the holidays this year?"

"I have no reason to." You and Chan were walking to the nearest target to pick up baking powder to make cookies later.

Rubbing his hands together to keep warm, he looks at you in confusion. "To see your family?'

"I have no family."

The subject dropped immediately. He can sometimes see through the cracks though. He sees the way you never let yourself cry, and the way that whenever something bad happens to you, your smile falters but remains. He always questioned how much of your happiness was faked.

So Chan holds out hope. You and Minho were broken in different ways, but similar in many more things. The way that you are protective of the people that you care about is the same way that Minho protects his loved ones too. Like you two are afraid of losing and letting go. You had lost too much and you both refused to keep on losing more. You are both rocks, never letting too many emotions seep through. More importantly, you both carried the same anger. Probably the only emotion you guys show freely, both bold and unrelenting. When he introduced the two of you, he should have known that was introducing a hurricane to a tornado.

He is broken out of his train of thought by your voice.

"Let me fucking go!" Minho had you wrist in hand, presumably gripping it with too much force.

"You were going to hit me bitch." He was right, you raised your hand to slap him after a particularly nasty comment.

"Guys! Calm down! Minho, let her go." Chan got up and grabbed Minho's wrist in turn, but he wasn't letting you go.

"You deserved it asshole."

"Now I get why your family fucking left you." Ouch. He probably didn't know your story, it wasn't possible, but he probably came to the assumption that you weren't exactly close to your family based on the fact that you never talk about them or visit them. Maybe he heard one of the guys talking about it. Either way, it hurt.

"Maybe if you weren't such a dick, you would have actually made it in life, you fucking failure."

His lips shift ever so slightly. Only you notice it while everyone is trying to calm or separate the two of you.

"Get the fuck out." Strangely calm, the change of tone almost gives you whiplash. This was eerie, there was nothing in his voice, completely void of all emotion. Even anger.

"This isn't even your house." Disbelief clear in your response.

"No one wants to hang out with a fucking whore that only came around because she fucked her way into the group."

"Minho!" Chan screams while still trying to get one of you out of the room, it was like separating rabid animals from one another.

You stood in shock. It wasn't true, but it somewhat was. You and Chris had a one night stand, it meant nothing. You two actually had breakfast the next morning and decided to remain as friends, but you were always scared that anyone would think that you had other intentions.

"You are truly fucking delusional if you think that any of us will still speak with you after college. I'm a fucking failure but at least I know I won't die alone like you. You're going to end up alone." Ouch part two. It's like he knows what he's aiming at.

Everyone in the room had their eyes on you. No one knew what to say. The insults never ran as deep, they were always over superficial things around them, but this time Minho wanted you gone.

"So maybe, it would be best if you grabbed your shit and left, because I promise you that no one here would follow."

"Fuck this." You didn't have to take the humiliation, and you couldn't allow anyone to see you faulter. So you take his advice and make your way out.

Everyone was in too much shock to prevent you from leaving. To you, that meant that Minho was right. They don't care about you and apparently no one does. Just like that, you're willing to let a year of friendship go down the drain. If they're going to leave you anyway, what's the point of sticking by?

Maybe you'll do them all a favor and disappear from their lives.

This wasn’t like you though. You’re able to brush off insults like dust. It wasn’t a big deal at all, it shouldn’t have gotten to you the way it did, especially because Minho said it. Maybe it was the mixed drinks that Hyunjin had been making you all night. Either way, you knew that you needed a second to clear your head.

It was dark outside. Traffic was aggressive and loud, but that didn't matter to you at that moment. Your own thoughts were more unbearable than that.

Inside of Changbin's house, everyone was attacking Minho.

"Why the hell would you say that?" Said Jengin.

"That was fucked up Minho." Hyunjin said as he made his way to the kitchen.

Minho had to get defensive, "Did you people not hear the shit that she was telling me?! Why is it always "Minho said this, Minho said that" When that bitch is probably even worse than I am?" Through his rant, Chan could see a crack. The usual coldness is gone, replaced by desperation. Minho hated his own thoughts. Why were his friends not on his side? Why is he always the villain? For a second Chan sees an emotion that he has barely ever seen Minho wear, fear.

"Jisung?" Minho turns to Han, the name sounded like a question, maybe even a plea. If anyone were to be on his side, it would be his best friend.

Han stares at him blankly. "You took it way to far Min. Even for you, that was low."

"Even for me? You guys are making me seem like a damn demon!" Chan goes to put a hand on his shoulder but Minho is quick to shake it off. Avoiding is something Minho has always excelled at.

Overwhelmed by the situation, he also walks out of the door, he can't let them see him faulter.

As he begins to walk, if feels oddly similar to the night he was kicked out of the company. It had been raining that night and Minho walked home. He felt that he wasn't even worth getting a taxi. The word "useless" replayed in his head that entire night, similarly to how he felt right in that second.

He thought of what he told you. He didn't regret it at all, but he couldn't get away from thinking, he might die alone too.

The relationship between the two of you had always been strange to him, to say the least. It's almost as if he was expected to hate you. To be honest, he couldn't quite remember how you guys met or why you hated each other so much. He just knew that you spawned into his life and made it hell, and he wouldn't go down without a fight. Just hearing your name brough him annoyance, like a natural recoil in his body runs away from you.

Maybe he hated himself so much, that when your eyes mirrored his, he couldn't stand it. Maybe the both of you saw everything you hated about yourselves in one another that you couldn't help but to fight back. Neither of you realized it though.

While Minho was trying to clear his head, he noticed something down the block. It seemed like emergency lights. Similarly like the cat in the saying, Minho got curious and quickly walked toward the hoard of people. After pushing through the bodies, he's met with a surprising sight.

It was you, on a stretcher.

His eyes wide with shock, wonder for a bit, trying to take the situation in. He looks around and sees a car, not far own the road, with a smashed windshield and blood splatter on the broken glass. A cop is restraining a man right beside it, who must have been the man driving. The people around are simply blocking space and gasping at the sight.

Minho wanted to hop in the ambulance out of instinct. He wanted to jump into action and tell the paramedics that he knew you, but he held himself back. You wouldn't want him there and he didn't want to be with you either. So he stood in place, confused and in a daze as he saw the paramedics close the doors of the ambulance and speed away.

It wasn't until the area started to clear out that his brain came back into focus.

Despite the knot building at the base of his throat, and his gut tightening, he pulls out his phone. With shaky hands he taps on Chan's name.

"Hello?" The heavy Australian accent is heard once Minho brings his phone to his ear.

"Y/N is hurt."

~

A/N: This was originally going to be a big 20k word chapter. im excited to write it - it'll probably be a total of thee parts. Maybe two.

#stray kids #stray kids imagine #kpop imagine #stray kids x reader #bang Chan #lee know #changbin #seungmin #Hyunjin #Felix #Yongbok #Han Jisung #Jeongin #angst #fluff #fanfic #y/n #one shot #minho x reader #lee know x reader #enemies to lovers #non idol au #amnesia #mini series #skz #stray kids x reader angst #skz x reader fluff #skz x reader angst

[yawnderu]

Hi, your posts always come up when I’m searching for fanfiction for this one specific character I like. When I’m browsing the search of this character, the majority of your work that pops up are the “darker” themed stories, and I’m not sure if that’s exclusively what you write or if that’s just what’s popping up, but I was hoping to ask you a question. It comes from a place of genuine curiosity, so I hope it doesn’t come across as rude, although it might, and that’s definitely not my intention. I’m genuinely curious as to why you write explicit sexual assault fanfiction? You tag your stories with “noncon,” referring to nonconsensual sex which is obviously rape. I’ve also seen stories tagged with “drugging” and I’m genuinely so confused about the psychology of “dark” writing. I’ve seen some people say it’s a coping mechanism so maybe that’s it? I’m 20 years old, but I cannot imagine being a 13 old girl (which tumblr is FULL of) and seeing stories which have the premises of “hot guy character” and “sex,” and it’s just literal rape or drugging or manipulation (or as you tag, “gaslighting”). I really don’t mean to be harsh, it’s just astounding how you feel comfortable writing that stuff, because it’s not like these “dark” topics are being condemned, it’s very clear that’s it written on the premise of being “forbiddingly sexy”. Because all of these posts are full of supportive comments, it’s so obvious that this normalizes sexual assault and why? All because the guy character doing it is “hot”? My opinion is that it’s so dangerous and I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I had seen these stories and the reactions to them when I was younger as a sexual assault victim myself. I’d really like to hear the perspective of an author of these type of works. This message does not come from a place of judgement.

Hi.

cw: talks of sexual assault, rape and violence.

As a CSA and SA victim, it's mainly used as a way to cope. It doesn't normalize sexual assault in the slightest, it's simply a kink many victims develop after being abused— everyone has their own ways to cope. NONE of my content including the fluff is ever written for minors, and it is not my responsibility if a minor reads it despite having a huge MDNI in my profile and actively encouraging any minors to get off of my blog.

I believe the time you spent writing something that very clearly comes from a place of judgement could have easily been spent googling your questions, but I'll gladly answer.

Sometimes people develop certain kinks out of fear and trauma— coming from someone living in a very small country where women get raped, kidnapped, and brutally murdered daily and spent years being a shut-in to avoid these things, it definitely comes from the factor of being able to have a controlled environment to write the things I'm scared of. I obviously don't want to be raped or be SAd again in real life, so this is all very clearly a fetish.

The reason why it's not written as condemned is because it's very obviously a kink? I'm not really sure what you expect when you see the warnings and continue reading. Since you mention the "gaslighting" thing I'm going to assume the character you're initially talking about is Simon Riley— and it would have taken you exactly 2 seconds to go to my profile and look at the masterlist with over 20 works to realize that's not all I write in the slightest— actually, I haven't put any of my works of the past 2 weeks in the masterlist because I've gotten lazy, so you'd only see 1 darkfic compared to everything else.

You mention multiple times how you'd feel if you saw my works as a child and that's the thing love, not a single one of my fanfics is ever meant for children or teenagers to read. These are grown men I'm writing about, I don't even want minors reading my fluffy things or even interacting with me at all— but if it helps, as a teenager I used to read works like these and it helped me process A LOT of my trauma later on in life lmfao.

I've been molested as early as I was 6 years old, and this went on most of my life growing up until I was in my late teens, so it's pretty fucking weird to say my fics normalize sexual assault because that's far from what it is, it's simply a FANTASY with FICTIONAL characters, none of it is real and I don't want it to be real, I don't want any of my readers to go through any of these things in real life, so I'm not really sure what the point of even accusing me of that was.

#stray answers

[oh-soo-diabolik]

I was wondering you do scenarios, if you do ,can you do a scenarios where sakamaki+mukami s/o introduces them to their parent(s)/family and they notice that the family purposely agitates and belittles s/o to the point of anger only to try to gaslight them for them getting mad how would the sakamaki+mukami's handle this

Summary:

Sometimes family isn’t everything, and the dl boys knew it. Read as the boys encounter their s/o’s shitty parents.

Warning: Mentions of gaslighting, shitty parents.

Sakamaki

Shu:

At first, Shu didn't speak, the moment he entered your family home, he was ready to leave.

Did he honestly need to meet your parents? Perhaps you forgot your lover is a vampire and has familiars.

The moment you mentioned meeting your family, this man sent his familiars over to your parents’ estate. He’s not too keen on meeting them.

If anyone would read the vibes, it’s definitely Shu. So why was he standing with you here at their doorstep now?

The moment the door opened, their faces were burned with looks of annoyance.

“Why are you here? Do you not have any consideration for your family? You’ve always been so damn selfish—”, Shu doesn’t stay long, meaning you didn’t either.

But oddly after the visits you don’t receive any texts or calls from your parents. But your phone is blown up with calls from your siblings.

There was no way in hell, Shu would waste a single drop of energy, so he sends someone to handle it. What a mobster.

Reiji:

Oddly enough, your parents love Reiji. Reiji somehow managed to manipulate them into coming back to the manor for ‘tea’.

Even you know this wouldn’t end in a happy ending, especially for them.

The moment you four sit in Reiji’s room for tea, you’re watching his reactions and mannerism. But he wasn’t letting up.

Your parents go on to discuss your flaws and terrible mannerism.

Of course Reiji plays along, although he’s trained you thoroughly, he was insulted.

Hence the scene of your parents laying out on the ground choking to death as Reiji holds you close to watch the scene unfold.

“Reframe from bleeding on my floor. It’s rude is it not?”

Ayato:

The moment they open the door, his face twists with a look of annoyance, their bitching and moaning remind him of his mother.

“So pathetic, more trash people, I should’ve expected this from mere lowlife humans.”

After the shitty encounter, you and Ayato head home. He wasn’t entirely sure how to comfort you and your salty tears. So he decides to share his takoyaki.

Afterwards he informs you he needs to do something, leaving you home.

Only hours later, he comes back covered in blood. You look at him concerned, was he hurt?

Why was he bleeding so much? You attempt to tend to his ‘wounds’, however, you’re greeted by his lips capturing yours.

“I’m aroused, so take care of it.”

Laito:

The master manipulator, was unimpressed with their shitty attempt to gaslight you. He didn’t bother to even introduce himself.

The entire time there, Laito was studying, both your parents and the house as well.

You could tell he was planning something.

The usual charismatic Laito, was now a man who didn’t know how to ‘speak’.

But your tears did not go unnoticed, once you left the house and headed home.

Laito’s instructions carve into the back of your head as he tells you to stay put and not move until he comes back.

So you, of course, listen and wait anxiously in his room.

Waiting only a mere thirty minutes, he suddenly appears in front of you.

“Did you miss me, little bitch?” he mutters, he isn’t his usual playful self.

Something must've happened.

Kanato:

The moment the door opens and the words come flying out, Kanato goes into a fit of rage.

You knew your parents weren’t the best, but you didn’t realize exactly how bad they were.

In the flash of seconds, Kanato yells and screams, throwing things around him, destroying the house in the matter of seconds.

Your parents panicking and scared as they attempt to speak, but only greeted by a hit to the face.

“Shut up! Shut up! Who do you think you are? You’re both nothing but lowlifes, with nothing going for them. I should kill you now.” He yells.

You don’t know what to do, so you do what you knew was best, nothing.

Subaru:

Similar to Kanato, he destroys the house but insists on getting physical.

In attempts to calm him down, you stop in your tracks, as they yell and scream calling you and him crazy and unhinged.

Your heartbreaks, as you see Subaru’s reaction, a boy who spent his childhood being called all types of things.

You were becoming angry, but not for you, but for him.

“Don’t you dare talk to him like that.” You mustered up the courage to speak.

You were now a vampire, you didn’t need him to handle your parents, no.

If you wanted revenge you wanted it on your own accord. “Let’s just go Subaru.” you say, he turns and looks at you.

His face flushed with red as he nodded and started towards you.

“Heh, you’re going to seek revenge?” Subaru snickers, your face blushes, “Watch me.” you mutter out.

Your parents watch in horror and shock. They were old in age anyway, you were given the gift of immortality they weren’t.

Mukami

Ruki: Truth be told, you and Ruki didn’t have to go to your parents' home.

He knew what kind of person they were, I mean he did do thorough investigations on your entire family and family history.

“I have no desire to meet your family.” He says bluntly, your eyes widen in shock.

You figured with him being a traditional man, he’d want to go the traditional route and meet your parents.

“But why?” You question, he smirks and he then sits and pulls you onto his lap.

“What’s the point of meeting them if they're already dead?” he mutters out, anxiety fills your chest.

There was no way, you were just on the phone with them, informing them about visiting.

“Ruki, what did you do…”

“It’s best if you don’t question your Master.”

Kou:

He didn’t want to meet them in the first place, so to avoid doing so. Kou asks Ruki to do some research for him.

Kou wasn’t an idiot, he watched as you panic as your family would call you.

The sound of your heart pounding rapidly told him everything he needed to know.

As an idol, he needed to avoid any forms of getting his hands dirty.

With the help of his eye, the times you would suggest meeting them, he knew you didn’t really want him to meet them.

So he had to know why, hence the cyberstalking and stalking of your parents.

When the day finally comes, to meet your parents, Kou is somehow persuaded to go with you.

Truth be told, he just wanted your reactions to their corpses.

Yeah, you two were partners, but he was also a vampire with a lack of humanity.

Especially towards those who hurt their own family.

Yuuma:

The moment the door opens, your parents stare up at him. His face wearing a blank expression, he didn’t want to be here.

But the moment they begin to belittle you and berate you. He loses his cool, he was a man but also a creature of the night.

A force to be reckoned with, “I don’t like people like y’all.” was all he needed to say.

“Excuse me? And who are you to say that? You're with our daughter/son.” Your mom says.

Yuuma rolls his eyes, grabbing your hand and pulling you away.

“I suggest, you never come back here.” Your father says.

Yuuma smirks, “They won’t be back, but I will.” They stare at him in shock, what exactly did he mean?

Azusa:

The meeting was something he dreaded, he didn’t want to visit your family. Besides, he insisted he was your new family now.

“I…, let’s not meet them.” He mutters, truth be told, you didn’t want to see them either.

But you knew it was the ‘right thing to do’ or so Ruki said.

“But Azusa, we have to. Ruki even suggested it.” You reply, he looks at you with a tired look.

“B..—I want us..to stay.” He continues to complain.

Maybe he was right, your family wasn't the best anyway. Perhaps putting it off one more time won’t be too bad.

“I—okay, fine. We can stay this time, but next time we need to meet them.” You say.

Azusa smiles before grabbing your hand and kissing it.

“Thank..you Eve.” He says he didn’t think you’d give up that easily.

But I guess he could thank your dead parents for making you easy to manipulate.

Maybe another day he can tell you the truth about them, but for now.

He just wanted to be with you, he’d hate to see you cry, especially if he’s not the cause.

xoxo 💋

#diabolik lovers #ayato sakamaki #laito sakamaki #reiji sakamaki #kanato sakamaki #subaru sakamaki #sakamaki brothers #shu sakamaki #shuu sakamaki #diabolik lovers fandom

[animeyanderelover]

I’m going with platonic Yandere here since it makes me more comfortable.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, manipulation, paranoia, manipulation, gaslighting, abduction

I’m still your family!

♟️He's always been doting on Nunnally and you during his childhood, before he lost his mother and started despising the empire. Lelouch is quite protective over his sister, no matter if she's younger or older than him. If you're older than him though, he's very clingy in a childish way. He's often found attached to your hip and is sort of embarrassed if you treat him like a naive kid. He often tells you that he'll protect you when he's older so that you can rest easy and don't have to worry about anything. He wants to grow strong so he can take care of both you and Nunnally. Whilst he is a bit embarrassed when you coddle over him, he secretly also enjoys it. If he's older than you, he treats you accordingly. If you have problems or worries, he insists that you always come to him and chides you when you do something stupid. As the older brother he believes himself to know better than you so he wants you to follow his advice and rely on him.

♟️ Lelouch is a very perceptive and intelligent child so he might sometimes sense that something is a bit odd though. You don't look very much like his parents and at times he sees how other nobles look at you or how they start whispering. He's still only a kid though, runs to his mother at one point and asks her why everyone is acting so strange around you. She gives him a smile and tries to ease his mind by distracting him, tells him that nothing is wrong. Lelouch has a feeling that it's a lie though, especially since the very short look of shock and surprise on her face didn't fly over his head. He tries to ask his father who isn't quite as gentle as his mother, telling him sternly that nothing is wrong before sending him away since he's busy and doesn't want Lelouch to question him further.

♟️ For a short time he might wonder if you're a child conceived by another woman instead of his own mother but he quickly throws that suspicion out of the window since you still look nothing like his father. That's when he suddenly has the idea that you might not be related to him at all and that thought suddenly worries him. It would make sense though considering how other nobles talk about you or look at you. Because if his suspicion really is true, they most likely don't think that you belong within the Imperial family. What if they would treat you rudely because of it? How would you feel if you would ever find out? Would you still want to be with Nunnally and him? He's scared even if he tries to tell himself that this isn't confirmed but the "what if" question latches onto his mind like a leech.

♟️ You find yourself surrounded by Lelouch the following days a lot after but you're happy since he's your beloved brother. Seeing you all happy and smiling when he's playing with you breaks his heart a bit. If you really aren't related, he can't let you find out. You think that this is your family and he just knows finding out that they might not be would shatter your heart and in the worst case you might avoid them and be kicked out of this family. He could never let that happen. Lelouch has to know the truth though so he tries to investigate as good as he can even if it's hard to do so since he's still only a child. When the fateful day arrives where his mother is killed and his father decides to banish him, he decides to give his son the last and final push. He admits to Lelouch that he's aware that his son has been trying to dig into your past and reveals to Lelouch the truth.

♟️ You were adopted, your real parents nobles who were close to his mother which is the reason why she decided to adopt you. Other nobles were aware of that and not happy that someone who isn't even related to the king was taken in by the Imperial family and received immense power thanks to it. It was forbidden to talk about it though. Hearing that you two truly aren't siblings breaks Lelouch's heart, especially since you genuinely think of Nunnally and him as your siblings. He's distraught but the final blow is given when Charles announces that if his dear fake sister is so important to him, he'll banish her together with Nunnally and him. He shall not reveal your true identity to you yet though, a last mercy for his son. It's that moment that makes Lelouch hate his father truly.

♟️ Lelouch keeps this truth a secret from both Nunnally and you as he just can't bring himself to tell you nor her the truth. He thinks it's better that way, if both of his precious sisters never find out. Lelouch tries to act normal so none of his siblings notices but sometimes it just slips through. Especially if someone points out that you don't really look anything like Nunnally and Lelouch. He's filled with indignation as soon as he hears someone even joking about it, turns more intimidating and demands an apology. After that he reassures you that you shouldn't listen to such people. After all you three are the only family you all have left now. He's constantly a bit on edge though when Japan is conquered by Britannia. He is scared that you three might be found and that you'll find out the truth then.

♟️ He goes all platonic Yandere when he receives the Geass from C.C. He grows over both of his sisters very obsessive and protective, set on his goal to create a world where both of them can be happy and where you will never be confronted with the truth. Everyone will treat you like you're truly of royal blood. Lelouch follows a path of violence and destruction which slowly starts gnawing away his sanity. He knows that he can't stop what he has started though and seeing you spending time together with Nunnally and both of you laughing despite everything you two went through, he regains his bitter motivation. With him being Zero though, he also grows more paranoid for your safety. It goes without saying that both of you are never aware of the atrocities Lelouch commits and the lives he sacrifices. He could never let you find out, terrified that both of you would end up being scared of him and not seeing him as your brother anymore.

♟️ With the increased encounters and involvements of the Imperial Family he dreads that by any chance they might encounter you and tell you the truth. He found out during his first ambush on Clovis that by now all the other members of the family have found out the truth about you so he can't let you meet you under all means necessary. Whilst he has a feeling that Euphemia would be gentle and not confront you with the truth since she knows how precious your family is to you, he's not so sure when it comes to other princes and princesses. He has lost almost complete faith in the royal family, except as already mentioned Euphie. He doesn't even view most of them as his real family anyways, the only family he wants and needs, the only family you need, has been with him for the last few years.

♟️ He considers using his Geass on you but for now he has no reason to do so. You're still unaware and knowing that he can only use Geass once on a person makes him more careful. He has to think this all through. Lelouch wants you to spend all your time with Nunnally when he has to leave, sometimes calls you and begs you to stay inside when there is a battle going on. The moment you end up finding out or even suspecting, it's over though. At first he tries to tell you that this is a lie and that you shouldn't fall for it but when he sees the tears stinging your eyes and the pain in your gaze as you ask him if he knew about this, his mask cracks. His composure falters as he starts raising his tone, telling you that he's always seen you as his beloved sister, that all he ever wanted was to protect you and that he's your family as much as Nunnally is. You love both of them after all too.

♟️ Then suddenly he stops as he regains a semblence of sanity and looks at you calmly. He walks over to you and takes you in his arms, apologizes softly for shouting at you. You're terrified but are even more sad and betrayed that he never told you. Then he looks at you, his Geass activated, and tells you to forget everything you've just found out. He'll always be your brother, Nunnally will always be your sister and you will always love them as your family. Then your mind suddenly becomes all fuzzy and hazed as all your memories suddenly disappear. When you snap out of it, you feel a bit dizzy but luckily your brother is there to secure you. Your brother, Lelouch. You ask him confused what you're doing here, unable to recall why you even went here in the first place or what happened. He just gives you a small smile and tells you that you haven't felt well and went to him. You truly don't feel good in that moment but your brother takes you home, advices you to rest a bit.

♟️ C.C praises him sarcastically for his lack of remorse for keeping the truth from you, something Lelouch counters with his own beliefs. You were suffering when you confronted him about the secret, finding out the truth would have only made you unhappy and depressed. Isn't it better to remain oblivious and instead have a happy life surrounded by the people who love you and who you love instead of feeling lonely and betrayed when finding out the truth? When the green-haired woman counters that Lelouch is just scared that you'd leave him and never see him in the same light again if you were to know that your real parents died and that you were adopted, Lelouch gives her a short glare. She's wrong, this is for the best. This is to keep his family save.

#yandere code geass #yandere hangyaku no lelouch #yandere lelouch #yandere lelouch lamperouge #yandere lelouch vi britannia #platonic yandere

[lya-dustin]

All is bliss

Chapter 16

Cw: liberal use of the word whore, mentioned murder, mentions of gaslighting someone

Taglist: @mercedesdecorazon @darylandbethfanforever9 @sweethoneyblossom1 @aemondx

Gif by @lady-phasma

“I believe I have the answer to our little problem.” Larys tries not to look too smug about it.

Alys Rivers, the Whore of Harrenhal, is six moons pregnant.

All signs point to a son.

The gods mock her by making Aegon’s only children bastards.

“Your grace.” She curtseys as best as her condition allows.

She wants something, they all do.

Lord Beesbury wanted Aegon to recognize Ellyn Flowers or lose his support.

But little Ellyn was two name days old and female.

Alys’ bastard was conceived right before his illness six moons ago.

“How much do you want?” she asks, all these women only wanted compensation.

“Nothing,” the wench lies. “I only seek to serve you and aid you in your cause.”

Of course, she needs Aegon to be king to get what she wants.

But she can get rid of her like she did with Ellyn’s mother and one of the whores at the Street of Silk who wanted the bastard recognized by him.

“Have my son brought to me, tell him I need to speak with him urgently.” Alicent tells her loyal handmaid who cannot stop staring at Lord Strong’s sister.

“What can be so important that you make me come to your rooms before that infernal dinner with father?” Aegon asks irritated after he is so rudely denied a pre-dinner entertainment courtesy of a peephole that gives him a great view into his wife’s room.

Mother has company, a dark-haired beauty several moons pregnant.

Was the bastard his?

When Beatrice ‘Bee’ Beesbury was discovered to be with child, mother dragged him here and made him deny he had fucked her.

Was she looking for an encore of that performance?

He had felt shitty after, seeing sweet Bee cry and be called a whore by her father and uncle as she begged him to say the truth.

He had wanted to and did the moment little Ellyn was born with the cutest curls and his eyes; a shame Bee died in that carriage accident on her way to court.

“I see the gods spared you from the effects of the pox, your highness.” The woman said with a voice that matched her unnerving blue eyes.

Alys.

The Great Whore of Harrenhal.

The wench who read his future in the flames after giving him the greatest fuck in his life.

She may have given him the pox, but there had been so many women before and after, he couldn’t be sure.

“I do not know this woman.” He says to his mother who tries not to roll her eyes.

“Do not lie to me, son. In this instance, you may speak the truth.” She said and he wondered what game they were playing.

Aemond is the one with a head for intrigues and politics, Aegon does the fun part like revelries, hunting, drinking and fucking.

“Did you give me the pox?” he asks the woman who cleared her throat in embarrassment and shook her head.

With that out of the way, he continues.

“Alright, the head of my household will jot down your details, and you will get a manse in the city and alimony until the brat is old enough to sustain you or dies.” None of her children lived to term, she’ll be gone before the harvest festivals even begin, he thinks. “If it is a daughter name her what you will, but if it is a son, he will be named Maegor.”

The Maegor to Aemma’s Aenys, he is so clever sometimes he has to take a break to avoid getting dizzy from it.

“Aegon.” His mother warned, her patience wearing thin.

“Isn’t that what is done when recognizing a bastard, mother?” he asks hoping she will speak plainly.

“It is not just that, Aegon. Tomorrow the High Septon will need to see proof of whether the rumors of your problem are true. Lady Alys is proof those are just lies spread by our enemies.” Mother gets as snappy as a turtle whenever she has to do something improper.

Gets so embarrassed by it but doesn’t stop until she is as covered in shit as the rest of this rotten court.

“I will agree to this on one condition.” Aegon said knowing mother cannot say no. “Let me introduce her at dinner.”

Had this been planned by Aemma or even Helaena, she would have been seated near Aemond.

But this was the work of her darling goodmother and she is sat between Aegon and Helaena who gives her husband’s excuses to them on account of his father’s recent execution.

They will be leaving for Driftmark for the funeral tomorrow morning, Aemma is to leave on Silverwing with Helaena flying on her own dragon while Daeron takes his father’s body in the ship that is now his.

“You should come and stay with us a while, Aemond. It has been some time since Vhagar was near her own kind.” Helaena suggested without a hint of motive except some loneliness. “My Daeron will be in over his head getting the guards and the fleet to take him seriously, perhaps your presence will settle them down.” She adds as if she were speaking of unruly children instead of men seething in rage for the death of their lord and general.

“Isn’t our Daeron returning with you to your home?” Aemond asks pretending he isn’t too eager about this offer.

“I’m going to squire for Uncle Gwayne, I’ll be leaving with him tomorrow as well.” Daeron, who sits between him and Helaena, answered his question unaware of everything going on.

He was roughly two moons older than Luke and just as innocent of the world as him.

And yet their rivalry knew no bounds as he is very quick to show off Tessarion and his skills to Luke who doesn’t train as much for fear of hurting others now.

As punishment for their part in Aemond’s accident, father had taken his and Jace’s daggers ---a necessity in westrosi society--- and forbidden them from training until he was old enough to squire for him.

Jacaerys had become Daemon’s squire three years past, and would be replaced with Luke as he is going to Driftmark with grandfather to cement his place as his heir.

Especially now that their half-brother, Addam, claimed Seasmoke some four moons ago, and many remark on his uncanny resemblance to father.

There was talk of him being legitimized, but grandmother absolutely forbids it as it is a threat to their clear cut succession.

“You should go, who knows, your stay will be fruitful.” Aegon said with a wink that caused his mother to quietly chastise him, Ser Otto to study them more and Daeron to ask what he meant.

“And in that vein, I have some news.” Aegon says just as Aemma’s family arrives at the same time as an all too familiar witch.

Luckily her mother is running late because of some trouble with Joffrey refusing to stay in the nursery with their little brothers.

#aemma velaryon #aemond targaryen x velaryon!oc #ocappreciationtag #asoiaf fanfic #house of the dragon #oc fanfiction #aemond targaryen #asoiaf au #the great au #all is bliss fic #ewan mitchell #aegon ii x oc x aemond #tom glynn carney #alys rivers

[scalamore]

Rupelali's budding romance (Lari version)

What I always find endearing (?), is how Rupelali are just so ignorant of their own feelings for each other. It's not a simple misunderstanding type of situation, but rather "two people who have never experienced romantic love can't tell they love each other". Love, after all, is an abstract concept, especially for the both of them. Lari, as fond as she is of romantic novels, has never felt romantic love of her own, and fails to recognize the "heartaches" she feels when she looks at Rupert is romance (heavily hinted), and instead mistakes it as anxiety/nervousness/guilt, which is an emotion she's very much used to from her trauma of TL1.

What amuses me, is that SO MANY people knew Rupert and Lari had a thing for each other, YEARS before the two actually realized it themselves. In manhwa chapter 60, Tori first hinted at Rupert's feelings for her. Around that time, Louis had complained that he was already giving special treatment towards Lari. As crown prince, the maids and servants noticed when Rupert protected Lari from the arrogant knight, and how he defended her when she was framed. This gossip spread to the south, where Nelly and the Nanny had asked her about that palace romance - which of course Lari denied. Because, as far as she was aware, she was bound to Rupert though that promise in Chapter 32 - She was his maid, she belonged to him, and that's it. She earned enough of his trust so he'd protect her, and that's it. He may own her, but her feelings are her own

Besides, It's not like Rupert ever showed any romantic feelings for her. He's the usual Rupert - minds his own business, is rude, and condescending to her. He still insults her sometimes... where is the romance in that? Again, she's just his trusted attendant. Of course, others will see "romance" between them, but they don't know of their promise. But Lari's not dumb, when she realized Rupert yeeted to the South, even harming himself with Alchemy when he heard she was injured.... she admits, yes, she's become someone so important to him... those feelings *could* be of love... but... So she chooses to IGNORE her suspicion that he loves her. That's not something she wants to find out the answer to. After all, "he" killed her in TL1. He's treated her the same as always. She doesn't want to get ahead of herself and embarrass herself by jumping to conclusions either. So she chooses to run away, and not talk to him about it. Even when he proposes marriage - even though he was serious - the fact he was so nonchalant about it made Lari think he wasn't serious at all, and decline it.

Lari's characterization is consistent: She's been alone this whole time, she doesn't have anyone she can trust and talk to about things like this. She bottles up her emotions, trying to deal with everything herself. She convinces herself that Rupert doesn't like her, doesn't feel anything special for her, because he has Tori. She shouldn't get in their way, because she's an outsider. She doesn't want to talk to Rupert about it, because it's none of her business. Lari keeps on running away from her own feelings, and from Rupert as well.

After Rupert acknowledges that he really, really cares about Lari, really treasures and cherishes her, and vows to give her anything she wants in Ch 98 (but doesn't quite understand he loves her yet), Lari feels burdened by his feelings. It's getting harder for her to deny his feelings, and she feels so guilty and awkward, she starts hiding from him, but of course as tenacious as he is, Rupert always goes to look for her. He actually finds it a bit fun to find her during this game of "hide and seek" (he also gets Elaine and Louis to help lol). It gets to the point that Lari is aware, but full on denial of his feelings by the night of his coronation to Emperor. As much as she trusts him, her self-doubt blinds her:

Through Lehan's gaslighting, Lari was convinced: As much as Rupert loves and cherishes her, it won't be enough. He will choose the throne over her.

That is literally Lari's fatal mistake: she's so caught up in her despair, she makes assumptions out of fear. She's completely blindsighted to even the idea that Rupert truly loves her, and will choose HER over the throne. She understands how much she hurt Rupert, poor Rupert who was happy at how well they were getting along, living a comfortable live at the palace... all he wanted was the be coronated Emperor and have Lari be happy and congratulate him... but all he got was Lari, who had disappeared, and he found her unconscious in a sea of flames.

When she woke up, Lari finally apprehended him: He loves her, doesn't he? Although Rupert couldn't clearly articulate "yes", Lari knew it all along: he did. He does. But in her condition, she was unable to accept. So she chooses to break everything off. Otherwise she'd feel overwhelmed by the burden of everything in both timelines, and want to die. So Rupert allowed her to leave, because by being free, she would be "alive". While in the village, Lari again, knows full well how much Rupert love her, and how much she hurt him by feigning ignorance to his feelings. She just hoped he would have moved on by now... but she can't help but miss him, and all the time they spent together. While she hated House Belois, especially Lehan and Trash dad, she could never hate Rupert. She kept Lehan around to get updates on how Rupert was doing, after all. She really misses him, and the time they spent together at the palace. And when they reunited - she felt so relieved and excited to see him again, a feeling that she had almost forgotten after a year ... So by the time chapter 124ish comes around, that time apart had strengthened Lari's resolve: She has finally healed enough to accept Rupert's feelings, as well as her own. Her choice was clear: She will stay beside Rupert, and ensure he's happy and will protect him, because if not her, who else? She will protect him, herself. If he still loves her this much, then why should she continue to deny bother her feelings, and his? There's no point in her pointless shame and apologies, if he's really accepted them both as well. So the answer is clear: she chooses to, and will stay beside him from now on as "Lariette". :)

and I think all this is beautiful ;__;

#your majesty please spare me this time #rupelali #manhwa #rofan #otomeisekai #otome isekai

[synthsays]

Wembley Backstory Headcanon

⚠ TW: mention of abuse ⚠

I wrote this a while ago so ignore whatever spelling or word mistakes it may have it was written on a whim in the middle of the night ;-; so without further ado here's my take on wembley's ✨️ f-ed up backetstory ✨️

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

So gobo is shown to at least frequently yell at wembley (assuming the cartoon is part of the canon) as well as the other characters with examples of him[wembley] covering his face and otherwise protecting himself from said yeller. This could mean one of two things, he has this as a natural reflex OR it shows past experience of someone who was yelling at him also wanting to cause harm physically. Now fraggle family dynamics are weird within the show. But fraggles are proven to have family because of traveling matt & gobo. Now Wembley is shown to be, most likely, the youngest of the group. And has been shown living with gobo since the beginning of the show. It is assumed the fraggles who are related live together, going off of gobo living with Matt since he was little. But Wembley shows no relation (besides being best friends) to gobo. Wembley might have been previously living with other fraggles, may or may not be his family, that verbally and possibly physically abused him. Going further out on a limb, this may have been the cause for his wembling problem, for one reason or another. To continue, Wembley may have run away from home to live with his best friend gobo, given he had a recent vacancy in his cave due to Matt leaving. Wembley is still yelled at by gobo every once and a while, but doesn't seem to mind besides "protecting" himself. One thing I forgot to mention earlier is a possible reason wembley's "wembling fits" get so bad.

Wembley is shown to desperately want others' approval aka for others to like him. This may also be a sign of trauma, perhaps. Because his friends yell at him he tries to make them happy by agreeing with them all the time. This causes problems however when he has to choose between them. Not wanting anyone to be unhappy (aka "hate" him) be basically short circuits his brain trying to decide. But then his friend yells at him for fainting or wembling too much. This may cause all of them to leave, or at least change their mind. They think of Wembley as a burden sometimes, even though many times he faints it's just from him trying to make everyone happy. In some instances they will gaslight or even bully him, which really can't be good. Not trying to be rude to the rest of the fraggle five, they've just made some bad choices regarding wembley. In some episodes it's shown that Wembley has low self esteem, but he still tries to look on the bright side. This low self esteem may be because of his friend's bad habits of making fun of him[wembley]. Wembley sang a whole song abt "who would want to love a wimp like me?" Poor wembley. Continuing my personal theories, this low self esteem may have also come from the previous abusive fraggles, not really mattering if they were related or not. If I remember correctly, I think Wembley thinks he deserves this, or at least that it's normal. Wembley is also often seen putting others before him, even if they may not have done the same. For a few rare times you can see Wembley snap from his normal happy self, crying or making angry outbursts at others. This may be a sign he bottles up his emotions, as well as gobo stating Wembley is sensitive. This may link to the "abuse" theory.

End Quote.

#boom that happened #i told you id still post fraggoe stuff <:] #poot wembley... #no offense to the rest of the fraggle five btw #sorry gobo mokey red and boober stans I had to make it abt me and my fav lil guy's tramua 😌 #fraggle rock #fraggles #wembley fraggle #headcanon #not so silly headcanon #tw: mentions of abuse #✨️trauma✨️ #angsty wembley is so silly #synth is a silly creature

[evansbby]

BESTIE IM SOOSOSOSOSOS HAPPY POYT IS OUT but idk i couldn’t shake the feeling that i was reading a different fic, everyone was super OOC like omega being more brazen and yelling, i always imagined omega as more of the silent type and homegirl was BOLD, steve was just soo different..he was kinda giving manchild and pathetic and just different and i mean poyt!steve is a MANCHILD but idk they just didnt hit the same. It was the ending i expected and was glad that omega got her happy ending but i just wanted angst honestly. I expected peter to take her away and steve just like find them somehow, idk it felt like i was reading a different story, were you perhaps influenced by other characters because they felt a bit off…Anyway it was long and really happy 5 is out! SO SAD TO SEE POYT COMING TO AN END😭 AAH I MISS IT ALREADY, i feel like poyt 3 was like my fav chapter of the whole series, it just slapped and you’re a fantastic writer and i hope this message didn’t offend you in anyway! I just wanted to tell you my opinion, I CHECKED UR ACC EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A POYT UPDATE(not joking 100% serious)

Oof. So when I first read this comment about a week ago, I was pretty upset and hurt by it. Again, I feel like it is very tactless to say this to someone who spent so long writing something and was so nervous about it being posted.

But okay, let’s get into it then…

1) you felt like it was out of character that omega was being “bold” by being brazen and yelling bc you imagined her as more of the silent type. Okay. So you just wanted to read almost 40k words of her being shy and stuttering and having absolutely no growth while the worst things in life happened to her and everyone just walked all over her? You wanted absolutely no character growth? You wanted her to just remain quiet and docile and never be comfortable. You didn’t want her to stand up for herself when this madman Bucky is about to SA her? You wanted her to remain all bashful and shy and quiet and not show any emotion when she found out her mother left her? Okay then… Look, I’m a very quiet person but sometimes when I’m pushed so far, I WILL react. I think it’s extremely weird of you to think someone would just remain shy and docile forever when such terrible things are happening to her. It’s like… what exactly did you want to read??? You didn’t want her to react to anything?? All that being said, I feel like she still WAS shy in the moments that weren’t her mom leaving or the confrontation with Bucky. Like she literally still is shy, it’s only when she’s being pushed to the limit that she reacts like almost anyone else in her position would. Do you think shy people don’t yell? I’m really confused…. Because omega has lashed out in the other parts too. In POYT 4, and POYT 3 and even in POYT 2. So… idec what you mean by that being OOC.

2) Steve being a “manchild” Girl… idk WHAT fic you were reading before POYT 5 bc Steve has ALWAYS given manchild vibes. Like always. But I think I know what you mean. It seems like you didn’t like that big strong tough alpha Steve was acting “pathetic” and having panic attacks. Because God forbid someone make their characters react different to different things and God forbid someone make their characters multi-faceted, right? I’m sorry it “didn’t hit the same” for you, but I don’t know what you thought you’d achieve by telling me this. I’m proud of how i characterised Steve, and many have told me his progression was realistic and the panic attack made sense. Steve has always been all over the place with his emotions, ever since POYT 4.

3) i literally cannot believe how you’ve actually sent me this and I will not be gaslighted by anyone chiming in being like “omg that anon didn’t mean to be rude” bc idec. This WAS rude. You’re complaining because the fic “didn’t hit the same” and you didn’t get what you were expecting. Fair enough, feel that way all you want. But I wrote this fucking behemoth of a fic for free, and I don’t need to see comments like this. Idec if you sprinkled in a few compliments at the end bc this was the most backhanded thing I’ve ever read. To the point where it’s almost laughable bc either you meant to be rude and backhanded, or you’re just not self aware enough.

“I expected Peter to take her away” okay? Do you want me to apologise for not writing the plot the way YOU wanted it to go? Bffr. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of cliche stuff like that, I never intended for him to take her away. “I just wanted angst” There was angst. It was very angsty. If you want a more angsty fic, write one yourself.

“Poyt 3 was my fav, it just slapped” this is the most backhanded thing ever 😂😂😂😂 it’s like you didn’t want any progression, any resolution. WHICH AGAIN, that’s fine if that’s what you’re into! But write it yourself jfc.

I just want to ask you this. If you had written a 37k fic over the course of more than six months FOR FREE and then nervously posted it, only to get a backhanded message like this one… how would that feel? I mean it’s one thing if I was a paid author, then you can criticise me all you fucking want bc at least you’re paying me to read my shit.

But to read it and come back telling me the characters felt off, that you felt like you were reading a different story, etc etc. It is not nice. I remember reading this message a week ago and I literally burst into tears bc I was so sensitive. I wish you’d sent this not through anon so I could keep note of who you are and maybe block you or keep you away from my writing bc honestly? I don’t want you even reading it. But oh well.

And I know many of you will read this and say I’m overreacting but I don’t care. This is me being truthful. This wasn’t nice. Goodbye and please unfollow me.

#anon #poyt ask #poyt 5 ask #poyt 5 spoiler

[gay-otlc]

Won't Fall In Love At The End- 5

Healthy communication? In my writing? It's more likely than you think!

If any alloros find my description of romantic attraction inaccurate, take it up with the gay people in my discord server that I consulted.

@xanadaus @an-ungraceful-swan @novaliae @gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss I think you guys wanted to be tagged sorry if you don't want to be tagged

The line outside the dance is long, but it moves quickly, and Rana shows her ticket to the tired looking chaperone and steps inside the gym. The people are loud, and the music is even louder, but for once in her life, she doesn’t mind the noise. It helps drown out the noise in her head. And when her head is quieter, she dances with Asher. Well, dances is a bit of a stretch, and with Asher is another. She, Asher, Abigail, and Daniel kind of bounce around awkwardly. The other members of their group have wandered off by this point, saying hi to people they know or- in Eva’s case- making a beeline for the snack table. 

“My feet hurt,” Abigail declares eventually, repeating it a few times to be heard over the music. That’s not exactly surprising, since she’s wearing heels. Tall heels. Rana is honestly impressed she lasted that long. “I’m taking a break!” 

The noise is starting to be annoying, so Rana says “Me too!” Asher yells something along the lines of them going to find other people they know, and Rana follows Abigail out of the gym and into the quieter halls. Abigail makes small talk, or something, and Rana isn’t listening. She’s thinking again about that least liked member of the group comment, and now that she plays it in her head again, Abigail was definitely looking at her.

“Earth to Rana?” Abigail says, and Rana flushes her. Ignoring people is rude, she knows that much about social norms. Now Abigail probably likes her even less. “Are you okay?”

Rana fiddles with her sleeves. “Are you okay with me being a part of your group of friends?”

“Yeah!” Abigail says, without any hesitation. Maybe an answer that quick means she’s lying? Or maybe she’s confidently telling the truth? Rana has no idea. It’s frustrating. “I mean, I don’t know you that well yet, but you seem cool.”

Cool is not a word that has been used to describe Rana very often. Probably ever. 

“Really?”

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Rana very pointedly examines the tiling of the hallway floor. “I don’t know. Earlier, when you offered to drive and joked about putting someone in your trunk, the ‘least liked’ person, it felt like that was directed at me. I don’t know. Sorry.”

“Shit, I- why are you apologizing? You don’t need to apologize. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound like I meant it, or anything. It was a joke, and honestly directed more at Asher and Daniel and Xavier. I’ve been friends with those three for ages, and sometimes I tease them that I don’t like them, and it’s only funny because they know it’s not true. I didn’t realize I don’t know you well enough to tease you like that yet. I’m sorry.”

Yet. Yet is a promising word. Yet means that Abigail expects to be friends with her longer, to become that close. Rana can’t even imagine that kind of closeness, being so confident someone likes you that you don’t worry when they say they don’t. Being one hundred percent sure they don’t secretly dislike you.

That kind of friendship sounds fake, honestly.

“Oh. Sorry I overreacted.” Her face heats up.

“No, it’s totally okay. It was a misunderstanding, and we cleared it up! It’s all good.”

Rana had been kind of aimlessly following Abigail, and she hadn’t realized they were going towards the snack table, but it’s a welcome realization. Stuffing cookies in her face is way easier than continuing this awkward conversation. 

Unfortunately, when she finishes a cookie (or two or three, no one has to know), Abigail starts a new awkward conversation. “So, I don’t totally understand what the deal is with the ‘fake dating,’ but I should tell you that if you have an actual crush on Asher, you shouldn’t expect them to feel the same. They won’t, and they’ll just be really uncomfortable if you want them to.”

“I don’t have a crush on Asher,” Rana mumbles. “I don’t think.”

“You don’t think?”

“I mean, I don’t actually know what a crush is or how it’s supposed to feel, so I can’t say one hundred percent that I don’t. But I’m pretty sure I don’t.”

“A crush is…” Abigail frowns. “I don’t know. If you want to kiss someone, it’s probably not entirely platonic.”

“Right, but it’s got to be more than kissing, right? There has to be some sort of emotional part of a crush also. Otherwise, people wouldn’t actually be sad when their crush doesn’t like them back, just kinda disappointed that they don’t get to kiss them.” 

“True. I guess it’s also just wanting to be around them a lot, and… I don’t really know how to explain it. Like, wanting that commitment, that you care about each other and want to go on dates with each other and you want to declare to the world that they’re your person, the person you chose who chose you and you belong together. Does that make sense?”

“Not at all.” It’s a little bit annoying, how Abigail isn’t giving a concrete explanation with a simple “yes I am feeling this” or “no I am not feeling this” answer. But Rana understands. She’s not very good at describing feelings either. 

Abigail shrugs and offers “You get butterflies in your stomach when you’re around them?” 

“I think that happens around everyone for me. People all make me nervous, not just crushes.”

“With crushes, it’s a good kind of nervous.” 

In Rana’s experience, “nervous” and “good” are not two categories that have a lot of overlap. Or any overlap whatsoever. “You’re nervous but it’s good? That definitely sounds made up.”

That might have sounded rude, she realizes right after the words leave her mouth, but Abigail laughs. “Yeah, it’s weird. Kind of a nervous and excited combination. Like riding a roller coaster.”

“I don’t like riding roller coasters.” 

“Oh. Well, is there something else you enjoy that makes you a little anxious?”

Things that make Rana anxious is a very broad category. Enjoyable things is a much smaller list of things. The overlap would be…

“Um, thinking about college. And jobs. And stuff.”

Abigail gives her a quizzical look. Or a what the fuck is wrong with you look. One of those, probably.

“I mean, thinking about your future is stressful and all, because you don’t want to get it wrong. But it’s also exciting, because you have the chance to do it right and spend your life doing something you love.” 

“Yeah, that’s a good comparison! Being around your crush is stressful, because you don’t want to mess something up, but they make you really excited because you have a chance to be together for a long time. Even if spending your life together isn’t very realistic in high school, any kind of committed relationship is exciting.”

Rana lets the words swim around her head a few times. “That makes sense, I guess.”

“Am I correct in guessing that’s not how you feel about Asher?”

“Correct.”

“Good.”

What she doesn’t add: That’s not how she feels about anyone. Ever. Rana has never felt about a person the way she feels about a future with science, the way she feels about a major in something she loves and then graduating to study marine life and getting paid to do it.

If that’s what a crush is, if it’s more than thinking someone looks good, then… has she never had a crush?

#won't fall in love at the end #wfilate #this bitch aro! good for her (except she has soooo much internalized arophobia to work through first </2)

[alarrytale]

I know fans and especially old-day larries are sick of him and his tweet was the last straw but what if his larry denial wasn’t meant to be denial more like him telling fans to stop making everything he does as a larry sign and make theories about literally anything? It isn’t that long when tumblr larries were calling out twitter larries for this, for spreading literally every rumour and making theories of it because those twarries literally take everything as a larry sign - ‘Oh, Louis was staring at one vip box yesterday, there must’ve been Harry!’

‘There was some mysterious shadow in one of the vip boxes watching the show, that must’ve been Harry.’

‘Louis is talking to someone in the van, it must’ve been Harry.’

‘Lottie posted video from zoo and this voice sounds just like Harry so it’s definitely him behind the camera!’

Back in the day some larries called out Gemma when she named larries mental after some of them were constatly harrasing her in comment section in literally every post with “💚💙” and expecting her to out them. I don’t want to excuse him for how he behave and it’s right to call him out especially when it comes to being rude to fans or dragging that kid lately and pretending to be the father of the year but as long as I’ve seen him being in a great mood lately, chilled so he forgot to control his laddy lad image and his natural flamboyant mannerism came through, his smirk when singing “You still like to wear my jumper” after Umbro 2.0 or playing 7, what if he didn’t actually deny larry more like to tell fans in very unfortunate way to chill because not everything is a sign. In a normal world he would come online the next day and apologize or aknowledge his mistakes or just explain how he meant that tweet but this isn’t normal world, he’s closeted and can’t say/do much just like Harry.

The only thing that makes me sad that while some larries unstan him, his tweet also made them doubt if they are still together.

Hi, anon!

The thing is, Harry and Louis are closeted and together. They don't want to be closeted and they hate to stunt or to pretend they are someone they're not. So over the years they've given us signs here and there for us to pick up on to show that they are gay and together. It can be messaging through t-shirts or it can be the choice of closing songs at shows. Sometimes it's very subtle. So that has created a fandom that looks for signs in everything and can dig up information and connect dots like the FBI. Harry and Louis created that environment. They've even encouraged it with RBB and with Eroda and the FITF puzzles. They know we love that shit and we're good at it, because they've trained us well. Sometimes this fandom is going to see things that aren’t there. That's just how it is.

Us larries have been bullied and gaslighted and been made to look like lunatics for believing larry is real. We are ridiculed and told we are less than other fans. Some larries are also queer. Because of how we are treated we have an extra need to express ourself and be proud of who we are. We refuse to be silenced. We know we are right.

So if Louis or Harry are annoyed at us looking for signs everywhere and creating theories they can honestly fuck off. They created that environment and they now have to deal with it. I don't think they care if we think L looked at H at a concert when he wasn't there. So i don't think parmageddon is connected to that. If Gemma is annoyed at people commenting blue and green hearts on her ig posts she can fuck off too. It's our way of expressing ourselves as an oppressed group of fandom. It's our way to show our love and say 'we know what's real and what's not'. She is benefiting and riding the coat-tails of her brother's fame, so she can deal with a couple of blue and green hearts.

Don't let any of this stop you from being a proud larrie, theorising and expressing yourself!

#i hate when larries try to shame other larries #and i hate fandom policing #and maybe an unpopular opinion #but i hate when larrie tumblr bloggers look down on twitter larries #louis underscore #louis image #larries ftw #fandom #twitter #gemma styles

[not-poignant]

Absolutely wheezing at the idea that a writer ~might not know~ that what they're writing is ~bad irl~. How fucking condescending is that? As someone who mostly creates and consumes horror media, my perspective might be a little skewed- but c'mon, people KNOW that dubcon/gaslighting/torture/murder/&c is not okay in real life. Inadequately tagged fic (& media which deals with these topics poorly) might well be a problem, but people still know the TOPICS are morally bad (& illegal) & not ok irl

I really weighed whether to give your mockery a platform on my blog, so I might still delete this response later, but I'm just going to say a few things.

Firstly, my post was around people having irrational emotoinal responses and having subsequent thoughts that try to make sense of those emotional responses. This isn't really about what the author knows, it's about the emotional response. (But even then, anon, abusers exist in fandom, abusers write fic, and it's very naive to not know this). At any rate, my whole point was that if an author is tagging or warning, they generally know, lol. But there's reasons readers might not know that.

Since my post was solely about reader response I'm going to address the readers who don't know or realise something in the moment, because they're having an irrational emotional response.

Readers having emotional responses to something that squicks them or hits them the wrong way are rarely rational and based in what people 'know.' You might want to research emotions and emotional responses in order to understand this better.

Secondly, there are actually some fairly prevalent reasons why people may be unable to give others the benefit of the doubt in the moment and assume that the author knows what they know (not least: fic authors are often complete strangers). Some of those reasons are as simple as 'I've been raised to be wary of other people and what they believe.' But others include having been abused themselves, or alternatively, knowing that abusers and rapists write fiction and live in the world among us, and sometimes having a moment where they're just not sure based off what they've just read. (It's nice to assume that not everyone thinks abuse is okay, but it's a lot harder to assume that once you've been abused by someone you know, you might want to apply some compassion to other people on this - folks who are paranoid of others often have reasons for doing so, even though that never excuses abuse or bullying in turn).

At any rate, I can think of a lot of reasons why someone wouldn't automatically just 'know' something in the moment, especially if they've been triggered or squicked (which I mention in my post). It doesn't excuse bullying or abuse, which I say in my post, but the emotions themselves and the irrational thoughts they can lead to aren't bad by default - that's part of the normal human experience, you're having it yourself right now anon - that's an attempt the brain makes to protect the person who's just had that experience. After that, we make a choice re: our behaviours.

Your perspective is a little skewed, anon, simply because you've made the mistake of assuming everyone must think the same way you do - but not everyone has had the same experiences, upbringing and education you've had. And vice versa. Someone who has been abused by someone in fandom, for example, may struggle to assume benefit of the doubt in certain circumstances where something - the person or product - reminds them of that abuse.

You might want to research the cognitive impacts that abuse and interpersonal trauma have on people, anon, especially if you mostly create and consume horror media, because that is pretty important in the understanding of some horror. This struggle doesn't make their behaviours right if they're hurting others, but judging folks for not knowing what you do, or for the things that make them uncomfortable is rude and patronising.

It bothers me that you can't conceive of a world where folks might have frankly understandable but strong and irrational emotional responses to fictional content. If you can accept that for example, some horror will make people scared or too unable to engage with it (can you accept this?), even if they do know it's not real, then I think this is a concept you do foundationally understand, and are just not applying to this situation, perhaps because it disturbs you to think that some people don't just know this by default. I don't know.

Finally, given you felt the urge to come into a complete stranger's inbox and speak derisively and with open mockery towards a bunch of folks who don't make the same assumptions you do, or have the same knowledge base that you do, it's fairly obvious that you yourself know exactly what it's like to engage in behaviours based off irrational emotional responses. So maybe you have more in common with the people you're mocking than you think? Food for thought.

You probably know - when you stop and think about it - that there are many reasons why people may not 'know' or be able to assume what you know in this circumstance, but if you don't:

Highly recommend you do deeper dives into aversive emotional responses and emotions, and also look into how abuse and trauma can cognitively affect some people.

#asks and answers #trolls in the house tonight folks #at the end of the day #the behaviour of many bullies under the anti flag is completely inexcusable #my post wasn't actually for them #it's for the people who engage in fancop behaviour without realising it #because they've been triggered or squicked #and only do it with the thing they've been triggered by #i'm just pointing out the kind of thoughts a person might have #which are more likely to come from an irrational place than a rational one #it's dangerous to assume people know how to be self-reflective like this frankly #laughing and going 'of course all authors know lmao' #is not really helpful anon and i'm not sure what you were trying to achieve #and it still bothers me to give this ask a platform but eh #i feel like anyone else who thinks this way should give some time into just... #idk learning how emotions work #esp because you're clearly having some yourself anon #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

[citylawns]

I do not think you need 'thicker skin', at most detachment could be a goal.

People are incredibly, extremely weird & rude online, and seeing your Twitter as well I am always astonished by the extent to which people will interpret everything in bad faith. As someone who has been following your online presence for a while now, I admire how sometimes you reply and try to correct people by clarifying yourself, with such calm. It would make me go absolutely insane. Moreover it has led me personally to refrain from trying to have an online persona altogether. It is hard that sharing your work / maintaining some form of curated personal content (apparently) inevitably means exposing yourself to this. You are not at fault by exasperating or being frustrated by this!

detachment is definitely a better metaphor than thicker skin you're right. I aspire to be more detached from certain things!!!

"As someone who has been following your online presence for a while now, I admire how sometimes you reply and try to correct people by clarifying yourself, with such calm"

This ^ means so much to me. thank you so much for noticing that?? and exactly as you say, people purposefully misinterpret/misrepresent things I say and it does make me feel crazy and also is quite triggering because it's exactly the kind of emotional abuse I've experienced, like I've had some really extreme and prolonged cases of gaslighting (like most of my life so far) and it makes me hypersensitive to defending myself, to overexplaining, but also to making sure I appease and appear perfect to the person who is willfully misunderstanding me lol.

hence why, I need to put up more of a defence against criticism online and let it go. I used to just suppress the rage and pretend it didn't get to me, then realised how unhealthy it was to pretend I wasn't having these emotions. now I'm aiming to acknowledge them and tell myself that's okay and not shameful so I can detach and let it go (obv not solely talking about the shoe comments here).

I've been in a weird space the past year and a bit and taken a break from posting so much online, but I think this audience I have is something I can use for getting out of retail and I realised I need to put myself back out here again, but only now I'm in a better mental space. there are really good things about having an online presence to. the one I have is honestly accidental, so I look forward to cultivating it to be a healthier space and relationship x

#shout out to therapy #and this anon

[melaninpov]

You’ve been vocal about the jonathan majors case. I’m curious how you feel now with all the information that we have. Do you still support him? Do you believe any of the negative things about him?

Definitely didn’t mean for this to be so long. I have so much more to say but i think i’ve said enough lol

I have so many questions so Im looking forward to the trial. Since the beginning I’ve vocalized my belief that we’re innocent until proven otherwise and I still stand by that today. I hope he’s innocent. I want him to be innocent because I was really rooting for him. He’s extremely talented I just knew he was gonna win. From what I know so far about the evidence Majors has, he seems innocent. But I’m interested in what the DA has because the case hasn’t been dropped. And the fact that it hasn’t doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s guilty. I just can’t fathom him being this abuser I’m sorry. I know I don’t know him but I believe him when he said “this acting thing is it” so I can’t see him doing anything so heinous as it will affect his career.

I admit to wondering, why would she accuse him of abuse if he’s innocent? Why say he choked you if he didn’t? What’s with the location change?

When I first read the Rolling Stone article, I thought ‘okay what does this have to do with this case.’ Just because a person is rude or a jerk doesn’t mean they’re an abuser. Also, why try to ruin someone’s career because they were mean to you? This must be an attack on his character. My second thought ‘i hope theres proof because this seems slanderous.’ I thought it was funny how 40 people spoke to the journalist but only 1 was willing to go on record. So we can say anything without proof and it just gets published as if it’s fact? That’s so weird to me.

I can’t speak on the past abuse allegations because I don’t know but I find it strange that there isn’t any shred of evidence of this happening. No pictures, no police reports just hearsay from someone who knew this person who knew that person who knew the alleged victim. Like what? Lol. The article said they reached out to 6 character witnesses for Majors and 1 said it was a premade statement. Why would his team give you fake statements knowing that you were gonna reach out? I just don’t understand. I also don’t understand why people are acting as if Majors is somebody who has all of this power. I can see in the Harvey Weinstein and Cosby case of being afraid to speak up out of fear of not being believed or fear of retaliation or career suicide, but Majors? I like the actor but he isn’t anybody lol.

Now one thing mentioned in the article that I whole heartedly believe are the allegations on the Magazine Dreams set. I’ve seen videos and read comments of people accusing Majors of gaslighting with the method acting excuse. I don’t know if he physically touched someone on set but I know for a fact that he really does method acting. He’s said this several times and so has others who’ve worked with him. Things that I saw and heard from interviews I can believe that he sometimes make people uncomfortable on set. Still that doesn’t make him an abuser.

Again, I have so many questions but I do believe he’s innocent. If I’m wrong and he’s guilty of being this manipulative abuser 💔 he should face the consequences and get help. If I’m right and he’s innocent, I pray he recovers from this.

#jonathan majors #melaninpov #ask me anything

[jerrylevitch]

Hi , can you shed some light on this book that was an expose on Jerry. It was destined for release I believe around 4/5 years ago . I understand that Richard Lertzman has unfortunately died, but William Birnes ( who co write the book) is still with us. So I’m curious as to why the book was scrapped. Was pressure put on the publishers by Jerry’s family, not to print it?? I know there was several delays initially for the release date. Hope you can provide us with an explanation, thanks

There is no love lost for Rick Lertzman who I openly despised, and had open arguments with online for 4 yrs. I feel sorry for his death though. I guess what I learned from his passing and reading certain comments, is that he didn't realize that he was a very polarizing figure just like Jerry. Many people that interacted with him online found him to be rude, abrasive, a liar, and a denier of facts. As in he denied books (Patti Lewis' book) existed, or video footage existed and tried to gaslight me. I showed him the book, and he changed his tune.

This is a story about Danny Thomas that is an urban legend and he was choosing to apply it to Jerry, when it has been applied to lots of celebs who were under glass tables being shitted on by hookers.

When I told him that was a story indeed attached to Danny Thomas, as well as other inaccuracies he was spewing and wanted his sources, he said that he knew the real Jerry and didn't need sources.

Sure he didn't need a source for anything he wasn't present for, which was everything in JL's life. He met him once or twice?

Above is another example of him verbally abusing listeners or people in the comment section, that disagreed with him.

Yet there are people out there that find him as such: "He will be remembered as the brilliant, kind, funny author / historian / podcaster and larger than life personality that he was." And yes there were people calling him the kindest person they had ever met in the comment section on his fb page. Every one of us is the villain in someone's story, just know that. Of course people say sometimes about Jerry "Well he was nice to me." I think that goes for many people, unless we're 100% kind to everyone. I think some people can still hate us for whatever reasons even then. lol Rick Lertzman is certainly a villain in my story.

Too bad Rick couldn't be more understanding of celebrities and mental health. Too bad he couldn't see that he too could be an asshole.

Anyway....

I'm not sure if there was any pressure by Jerry's family not to print it. Honestly, I kept doubting he even wrote the book completely. The announcement on the Life and Times of Hollywood fb page seems to imply he didn't finish. Did I mock Rick on Twitter for him changing release dates for 4 yrs? Yes I did. I also mock Rick Sapphire for his book, which also seems to change release dates every 6 months. Rick Sapphire has a vendetta against Jerry, ever since he was fired for stealing. I have called him out on fb and am surprised that he hasn't blocked me yet for calling him a thief.

Rick Lertzman had no problem telling outright lies about Jerry, so I wouldn't have trusted anything in his book. He once posted that Dean broke up the team basically because "How bisexual hijinks destroyed his partnership with Dean Martin!"

HOLLYWOOD CLOSET! Jerry Lewis — Screen Legend’s Secret Gay Life How bisexual hijinks destroyed his partnership with Dean Martin! - The Life & Times of Hollywood (thelifeandtimesofhollywood.com)

That one makes me laugh to some degree, but it's really just offensive. Also there was not source or piece of evidence for any gay or bisexual hijinks. Sad. I was really looking forward to it. lol Also he clearly thought gay and bisexual are the same thing. They are not.

He posted absolute tabloid trash at times; and his copy and paste writing style on his blog posts which annoyed people, also transferred to his books apparently. I just saw some reviews a few weeks ago on his Mickey Rooney book.

Also he yelled at my friend once about The Day the Clown Cried. HE LITERALLY TRIED TO SAY THAT IT WAS NEVER FILMED OR THAT HE FINISHED PRINCIPAL PHOTOGRAPHY. I guess the footage from the films, that I inadvertently released from the Der Clown documentary wasn't real, and it didn't go viral. He and Harry Shearer go to the same school of lies and gaslighting. Let's just say I'm glad that his book won't come out. I don't like that he passed away, to prevent it from being released. I feel sorry. The man lost like 2 wives and a son or something within ten yrs. Maybe that's why he was bitter.

I think any factual and non-factual garbage on Jerry will come out in Rick Sapphire's book. I think both will be in there just to hurt Jerry, like Rick has continually done for over 15 yrs. So if you're looking forward to garbage, it will all be there.

#Rick Lertzman #Rick Sapphire #ask #mydogjudy #Jerry Lewis

[unoisveimved-un-proffesional]

Just a kind of a personal vent post about more clinical schiz-type of mental health and my feelings on that.

To be completely honest as a bit of a psycho myself, (see things, people and animals out of the corners of my eyes, hear (mostly) illegible whispers when I'm alone, sometimes feel people grabbing at my back and hands and can't shake the feeling I'm being watched through an iron-sight/scope when I'm outside) I don't really like the raw sentiment of "Everyone has their own equally valid subjective reality." Like one of the few things keeping me sane is a belief in an objective reality that all things stem from, like trying to properly understand what is just me and what's not so I don't waste energy checking for people in my walls again.

You know I've fallen down some intense conspiracy rabbit holes because as far as I was concerned there could be chips snuck into my bread or hallucinogens in my water. It didn't really help those fears learning that equally scary shit like that actually happened, but at least I knew it was real and was unlikely to happen to me realistically. I'm not being mind controlled by aliens to stop wondering if I'm being mind controlled by aliens and if you jokingly reply "Oh but how would you really know though?" Fuck you. Fuck you and die. It's not a joke it's just rude. It may just be a personal thing but I like being able to objectively understand something, and keep myself grounded when my mind wanders off into possibility and speculation.

Like it is real in its own right, and with certain people it can be generally safer to play into their delusions to make them feel more comfortable, but honestly one of the most harmful things to my mental health was being told I could be hearing or seeing ghosts or that I was actually haunted. I have experienced real hauntings though and so can use that experience to tell the difference, the combination of haunt and hallucination though was, well it's what well written psyche-horror tries to be. I've worked hard to be able to tell the difference between just what I'm hearing and what I'm listening to so I can trust my senses again. Audial hallucinations are the most common for me, and it's not complimented with having a sharper sense of hearing that just barely picks up things far away from me. I hear a lot of people shouting my (legal) name just from another room and that freaks me out, voices I do and do not recognize, but I know that that's just a snap in my head.

Not drawing the line between what's going on up here and what's going on out there just feels wrong to me. It's real in its own right, the head is real, but making claims of blind uncurious acceptance for subjectivity feels both very faux-progressive, liberal, and harmful. Those realities are happening in different places and the distinction is important to being able to live and trust yourself. You can't believe everything you hear, sometimes when I'm talking to someone I hear them say something I just know they didn't say and when I ask them about it they usually respond something like "What?" "No I didn't say anything like that." (it doesn't happen when I'm listening to recordings though or talking through phone/internet, just in-person which is weird) So again, getting a handle on just what's happening in here and what's happening out there has been an important personal endeavor for me. I don't want to accept an unreality, I want to know and accept what's real everywhere. Outside and inside my head alike, I want to understand things clearly.

I like the anchor of what I know in a sea of uncertainty. I want to be able to trust myself by criticizing myself and my perception so I can get a more accurate reading of things. I hallucinate. I forget a lot to. That's been used against me to gaslight and trick me, so I want to better understand so I can make those judgements. But I don't want to have blind trust in everything I feel see and hear, hell even taste and smell sometimes, because it's not always out there. Thinking that it's out there keeps me from understanding where it comes from in here. And I so desperately want people out there to understand more, about the world, themselves, me sometimes. I don't want to unnecessarily limit understanding with needless uncertainty.

#hexacles.txt #pentacles talks #it's pronounced pen tuh cleese

[perpetual-fool]

Progress?

I've been feeling quite awful. I suppose it's like every time I get over one little hump, I am again faced with the insurmountable problems of life which led me there in the first place: making sense of the world, making a living, doing good, finding companionship and community. But I just don't get to have any of that. There's a few factors that feed into it. Like, I'm too clever to understand what anyone is trying to do, I have too much compassion to write people off as simply being 'bad' in some way. And you'd think my lack of empathy would be a big part of it, but that wouldn't be a problem if others' thinking wasn't already faulty. I can be reasoned with, I'm not malicious, I want to be a good person but I just could never figure out how to do that.

The core issue, or at least pointing at the core issue, seem to be inconsistency. Like, sometimes people seem to make sense/understand, and more usually they're wrong but sort of close, but usually they're way off the mark. And that seems paradoxical. Like, a system which is subject to causality shouldn't behave inconsistently.

I asked Cat about it. Ostensibly, she'd have some insight on that due to being a programmer, but I really was just desperate for help. And her answer to that, more or less, was that it has to be due to messy input. Aside from just programming the program to randomly be random to random degrees at random times, it has to be getting inconsistent input. And I haven't been inconsistent in how I've expressed things (and I know people are just not hearing me correctly), so others' interpretation is where the inconsistency has to come in. More directly, her answer to what's going on with people is motivated reasoning. That is, you tend to find excuses to believe the things you want to believe. Say, if you feel wronged in some way and want to hurt someone, you're likely to come up with a reason to justify why hurting them is good. 'They deserve it' or 'they're learning a lesson' maybe. But that would also apply to theory of mind, how you think other people are thinking. For instance, maybe, you don't want to think that you're asking too much of someone, so instead you decide that they're just being lazy. And that could lead to issues like, someone is being 'helpful', but the other person doesn't appreciate their failure to help, so they then punish the person for being 'rude'.

So, people are twisting reality to fit their stories. Or with the computer analogy, you'd get that behavior by having an AI 'autocorrect' its input to match the patterns it already has. I think.

But I'm a human too, I should be pretty much the same. How can I be so vastly different? I think the answer is that I don't have any patterns to 'correct' to, mostly. My patterns are more broad, more connected. So nothing has made enough sense to form patterns.

I lost track of the train of thought I had when considering this, so I'm not sure how I got here. But I was considering, when I was talking to Catherine, and as has happened when I've been feeling very bad, I was less reserved about my phrasing. Like, in the past she's done something I feel is fair to call gaslighting, and I referred to it as such. Usually, I'm not allowed to say anyone did the bad thing, not in those words. If I dare show any displeasure in response to something others do then people get upset, and I get punished. I guess I don't realize how tightly wound I am all the time, constantly living in fear, constantly walking on eggshells. And I was in a lot of pain, agonizing over the inability to connect. But then the pain gave way to.. something else. hate? spite? I should be feeling how I feel, I should be angry, I should be upset, I should want things, and I shouldn't have to feel how other people demand I feel. I shouldn't have to be happy with other people's shit. I was getting that floating sensation again, for awhile. Now I'm mostly just sad and tired. I don't know what's going on. I'm getting real close to seriously considering killing myself again. But maybe I'm doing better?

But I guess I should try being 'rude', 'selfish'. in spirit at least.