#so here's something from a couple months ago just to keep this blog alive

[oogleboogleoogle]

Gnarled Branches

#it's been a hot minute since I've posted anything to this blog #nothing new to photograph now that it's “ugly” winter #(no leaves no pretty snow just brown) #so here's something from a couple months ago just to keep this blog alive

[kingwithpaintedfingers]

An Update on the Status of My A03 Fics!

Hihi! I have no idea if anyone who follows this blog reads any of my fics on AO3, but if you do, then you might like to know what the heck is going on with my fics, and why I haven't posted any updates in over six months.

First of all, I am alive! I wrote a lot of fics in the summer of 2022 when I had just gotten active in a fan server on Discord where there was a lot of encouragement to write fanfiction. In the spring of 2023, I started a medical assistantship course, and in order to keep myself focused in class, I turned off notifications for the server. And then I just kind of...didn't turn them back on???? In my defense, I was intimidated by the amount of time it would take for me to backread everything I missed, and that eventually snowballed into me just no longer looking at that server. I should honestly become active in it again, because it did a lot for my writing productivity. I also have a lot of hobbies both in real life and on my computer, and those take up a lot of my time as well. So that's why I didn't post much last year and haven't posted anything yet this year.

But I want to let you all know, that I do fully intend to complete the fanfics I have already started on AO3, and I do intend to write the sequels I promised a year and a half ago.

So without further ado, here is a status report on the incomplete fics and series I have on my AO3:

How to Live With Fire: One of my most popular fics! I have two sequels planned, and a rough idea of what I want to happen in each of them. Both of them are probably going to be only a few chapters long. The delay on this one is mostly on Part 2, since Part 2 has only the vaguest ideas of what I want to do with it (how Mortarion and Vulkan become a longterm couple, and how their legions react to this change). The trouble with this one is, I haven't read any Salamanders novels, let alone ones that take place during the Horus Heresy. I think I will at least have to read Deathfire for this one. I am praying that I don't have to read Vulkan Lives, since I understand that one has less tasty Salamanders content than I would like, and way more John Grammaticus than I find tasteful. But I will still try Deathfire at the very least, if I can find a physical copy at the library or a used bookstore or something.

A Matter of Trust: Another one that's going to end up being a trilogy. I have figured out what happens, now I just need to read the Plague Wars trilogy, because those events are going to be kind of important to the rest of the plot. Again, I'd like to read physical copies of the books so that I can flip through them easily. I'm going to see if I can find copies of the first two novels through the local libraries. Fingers crossed!

Until the Bitter End: Ohhhh, this one's gonna make me cry...this one is mostly hinging on me rereading The Buried Dagger and taking notes. Much lower barrier for entry for this one, since I've read it so often that I mostly remember where to find the events I'm looking for.

Lantern and the Child: This one is going to have like, a billion chapters. It's going to become episodic for a while, but I'm looking forward to it. In this case, it's a case of figuring out which characters I want to introduce. The idea of it being episodic is kind of exciting for me, because it feels like it will be a fun thing to do, and because it goes along with a writing conceit that my co-creator and I have for this AU, that it's the events of a theoretical (very dark) Pokemon anime.

This Once Nearly Was Mine: This one should literally be the easiest one to complete, I am ashamed that I haven't finished it. There's only one chapter left, and I don't even have to come up with all of the events. Again, this one is going to dip into Horus Heresy events that I haven't actually read, but I think I've heard enough from osmosis that I can skip most of it. I just need to, y'know, actually sit down and fucking write it.

Deep's Embrace: I've got an outline! And I've even got some scenes written out! As I type this post, I am preparing to submit chapter 2. I'm having a lot of fun with this fic, as you could probably all tell.

Anyway, that's basically it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know! And if you have any friends who you know enjoy my fics but aren't following me or aren't on Tumblr, please link them to this post so that they know just what the hell is going on with me.

#my fanfiction #ao3 fanfiction #warhammer 40k #warhammer 40000 #horus heresy #warhammer 30k #mortarion #calas typhon #vulkan

[pffbts]

a goodbye letter.

hello everyone, it's been a long time, isn't it?

i haven't written anything in months and tbh even if i wanted to further give life to all my wips, i wish i had even a drop of motivation and energy to do so. some of you might have as well forgotten about my little blog, which had its own humble beginnings. and tbh i don't mind at all. it's been, i don't know almost 5+ years that i've had this blog. i started it out during the last two years of my high school, when i was struggling very much to cope with all the pressure and anxiety. this little corner of the internet became my comfort space. i could pour my heart out into snippets of letters and the love that i received from all of you who were there from the beginning only fueled my passion to write more and of course, helped me immensely in escaping the cruelty of my reality.

since then, i have graduated school. my reality is still harsh but i'm surviving. i have also graduated from my college with two degrees that i was doing simultaneously. currently, i'm preparing to sit down for my master's 1st-year exam coming months and job surfing at the same time. tbh i wish i had enough energy and positivity to motivate myself to pen down something. but it seems like we have to finally pull the curtains down on this blog.

yes, there is a lot of stuff that's still pending to be completed as you will know if you care to check my masterlist. but i'm not going to give you any false hope by saying that someday i will magically come back and finish and place them all in front of you. it would be too selfish of me to keep you on your toes like that.

i know i've let down a lot of you. many have told me me how much, especially my letters have helped you guys during hard times. even though i know i shouldn't even bother to think like this considering i know none of you in-person. still, it's the crippling humanity in me. honestly, i feel sad for myself. my life took so many things away from me. even the capacity to keep this comfort space alive for myself. some of you have left a long time ago. probably life has happened to you all too. i have also met some of you during the latter part of my journey here and i'm very glad that you all loved my work even with all my incompetency in keeping up with the schedules. you guys were too kind to me.

this actually came too suddenly - this realization that something needs to end. i don't think there will come any other time in the future when i'll read fanfics or write them myself. but it's a bit too much to delete the whole blog considering the reblogs will still exist in the tumblr algorithm. therefore, the letters will still be up along with the fics.

although i don't think i will stop writing. i have my substack where i will experiment with my creative writing but that's just my way of growing up as a writer. these days i'm too busy both in my head and physically, i wish i can overcome becoming a moss. my produce is sparse but my want is bigger than that. although for fanfics, there's no want anymore. i've had my fill and i'm sad to say, this is where we part.

pffbts is thus archived. all my posts will remain. if you send in any mundane sweet ask, i will answer them as soon as possible. kindly please don't send in any requests for fics (i've had to delete a couple of them from my ask box and it felt terrible.) i'm not completely going away. as a person, i will stay. it's just the fanfic writing part of me that will take a permanent leave. i'm almost 24 and it's been almost 10 years that i've started out in creating fanfics. i think it's enough, nah? plus writing this post for you all has strangely made me feel calm, as a certain baggage has been let down from my shoulders.

thank you to you all from the past & the present. i hope you all stay well and healthy. it has been truly a good time to have you all with me.

-K.

#a:pffbts #personal

[chained-to-the-mirror]

I looked through my notes and apparently last time I sat down to write my thoughts was in February. I had been struggling with my body image and had a nasty nightmare. I’ve not had very nasty nightmares now, but the body image thing is ever present.

I recently bought swimwear for the first time since my early teens. (Let it be noted that I’ll be 43 in a month.) It was inspired by a friend who is coming to visit and wants to go swimming. I was so nervous to even try on a swimsuit… but I did it. I now have two swimsuits/swimwear. I wonder how it will be to actually go out in public wearing them - not easy, probably, but hopefully it will be at least somewhat enjoyable in the end.

Also a new thing is that I’ve been wearing shorts now. It’s almost 30 degrees here and suddenly I’ve noticed I don’t care what others think. I even wore an almost sleeveless top! Who am I?! I think this is due to age, and running out of fucks to give. I mean, does anyone really care what I’m wearing? I don’t think so. I just want to be as comfortable as possible. 

I’m putting my outfit from yesterday here - I would never have been able to wear this a year ago, no matter how hot it got. I’m surprised at myself. Also shocked at how comfortable I was eventually! There was no panicking, no distress. I see all the flaws, but it just matters less and less. I undoubtedly sound like a broken record, but I’m just so surprised.

I don’t think I would be at this point without my dear friends. They keep me sane, truly - and they never seem to get tired of shooting down my negative self talk, which matters more than anyone would guess. I love them all very much.

Another thing that’s helping is plants. I’ve become a full time plant parent, and it feels good to see things growing under my care. I’ve never been able to really do this successfully until now. I’m currently sitting on my balcony, surrounded by my green babies, and I feel calm. It’s no small thing, to feel calm! The plants also help me practice being patient. My huge tomato is testing me - there are so many flowers, but no fruit. Not even beginnings, apart from one that’s smaller than the tip of my pinky. I’m told it takes time, but I just worry. I am doing my best though, and that will have to be enough.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this, except nowhere. I suppose this is my blog, and I can go nowhere as much as I wish. I was going to write something the other day, but when the time came, I found I had no words anymore. Much like now! But I was thinking a lot about my active ED years for some reason. I used to be one of the moderators on a pro ana forum - one of the nice ones, one that helped me keep myself together for a long time. I was close to several people on there - I wonder where they are now? I kept in touch with a couple even after I was discharged from my first hospital stay, but these days I have lost contact with them. I hope they have found their own ways out. We were all sick, and brought together by being alone in our respective sicknesses. 

I kept a journal on the forum - it was full of misery and wallowing, so I’m sort of glad I have no access to it anymore. In fact, I don’t even know what became of the forum after I left. I’ve tried to find it again, but nothing comes up on google at least. It was always a very private, invitation only forum. Everyone supported everyone, in both sickness and recovery (whichever way any of us went at the time). I think I’m - ironically - alive because of those girls. (I say girls, because it was all girls. I think there may have been one boy at one point, but he was not very active.)

It’s such a weird experience, and I can’t really explain it to anyone who hasn’t been a part of a place like that. I tried to explain it to the nurses and the doctors at the hospital, but I don’t think they got it. They saw it as harmful, and probably fairly. In fact, the whole thing made me realize how futile group therapy would be for eating disorders. It can go wrong in so many ways! I’ve only had personal therapy so I can’t be sure of course, but it just feels suspicious. At least for me. I think that you have to be mostly in recovery to really be able to get any help from a group. I think that I might be able to, now - now that I’m mostly recovered. But of course it’s not something that’s available for me anymore. The EDs are not even in my diagnoses - not the main ones anyway. You’d have to dig pretty deep.

I guess this is what I wanted to get out. I’m not proud of my involvement in a thing like the pro ana movement, but I can’t fully bring myself to be sorry either. These things happen for a reason, and the reason was to keep me alive. I’m grateful for that.

It’s time to stop writing. My plants around me are telling me to wrap up the day, and they are right. I only need a shower and then I can fully relax. Thank you to anyone who read this, it’s a mess!

#personal #ok to reblog though #tw eating disorders #tw weight #tw body image #let me know if I should tag something else and I will

[catsandgoodbooks]

Rating: Mature

Archive Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: M/M

Fandom: Dream SMP

Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Clay | Dream, Alexis | Quackity & Clay | Dream

Characters: Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Alexis | Quackity

Oh wow I actually managed to write something. I came up with the Vegas Wedding AU how many months ago?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TW/CWs: Forced marriage, implied/referenced torture, fear

Dream sat still and tried not to breathe. (Maybe if he didn’t make any sound, didn’t even breathe, then Quackity might not notice him, might not pay him attention, and maybe he might not get hurt) Quackity was doing his hair up and he wanted to make it as easy as possible for his soon-to-be-husband. (He didn’t want to get hurt or yelled at or anything else, because he knew Quackity wouldn't fucking hesitate) He didn’t want to have to do this again. (He just wanted to get this over with)

Dream kept his eyes on the mirror in front of him, watching the pale reflection staring back at him. Delicate white lace cocooned his thin frame and covered every inch of bare skin (hiding scars and bony wrists and skeletal arms). His once-golden hair, a crown of pale roses woven into the pale locks, had faded almost to the same white as the lace and the gown he wore. The only splash of color was the bright, vibrant green of his eyes and the occasional freckle dotted across his ashen face.

Well, that was stupid. Dream had no right to complain about his current circumstances because he’d chosen these. It was the better option, and he’d jumped at the chance. And why shouldn’t he? He’d taken the deal and now he wasn’t getting tortured anymore. It was fine. He was better. He was out, for Prime’s sake! (So why was he still so scared, flinching away from every movement, sudden or not, panicking constantly and always losing control? Why was he still so afraid?)

Dream was out and, even if it wasn’t due to the best circumstances, he still didn’t have to pay too high of a price for it. It was fine. Marriage was just another contract, and not a very binding one at that.

(He’d thought about marriage before, even considered it a couple times [even tried once, even got up there on the altar once], but it had never been a high priority for him. He’d always thought he could deal with that sort of stuff after this was all over and everything was taken care of. Well, apparently not. Apparently, it was just a way to make sure he made it long enough to take care of it all, to resolve everything. Keep your eyes on the prize, Dream reminded himself. Remember what [who] you’re fighting for, you’re living [surviving] for)

Dream didn’t realize he was being spoken to until his hair was pulled back in one sharp jab and set all his nerves on fire. His heart raced as he was forcefully deposited back into reality. (At least it wasn't any worse) Fuck fuck fuck. He couldn’t do that (not right now).

“Do I have your attention now?” Quackity hissed, his face contorted into an expression of annoyance (well, at least it wasn’t rage this time). Dream nodded jerkily - he didn’t trust himself to speak right now. (He didn’t trust himself to not get hurt) “Good. I just want to let you know that if you do a single thing wrong tonight, step out of line even the littlest, you are completely fucked. I’m the only reason you’re alive right now and you better act like it.”

Dream bit back the instinctive, reflexive response rising within him. Sam would never let you kill me. It wasn’t a good idea to get Quackity upset right now (it was never a good idea to bring up the Warden). Even if he wasn’t the only reason Dream was alive, he was the only reason Dream was out here enjoying the fresh air rather than being trapped in a tiny bloodstained cell. Now more than ever, Dream was only getting by Quackity’s twisted amusement (not mercy; he would choke on his own blood before ever calling Quackity merciful) and the desire to use him as a tool, a weapon, a trophy, a symbol of Quackity's power and influence and what he could do to people. Whatever. This wasn’t anything new. Just show them what they want to see.

(When the server wanted him to be the villain, the tyrant, the puppeteer, he played that role. When they wanted him to be a defeated supervillain, he gave them what they wanted. When they wanted him to be a scared, desperate prisoner, he played that up. He could play the role of the nervous bride, the quiet wife. It wasn’t any different. Just another way to survive. He could handle it)

“Got that?” Quackity's mouth was a hair's breadth away from Dream's ear; his voice echoed within the other man's mind. Quackity still hadn't let go of his hair.

Dream nodded again. Just keep your mouth shut and you won’t get hurt, he repeated over and over again in his mind, his own personal mantra. (That hadn’t been true in the past but it might be here)

“Then you better act like it tonight,” Quackity snapped. “I’m not letting you mess this up.”

“Got it,” Dream muttered. He had to say something sometime (to show that he was still there, still under the other man’s thumb, still conscious and paying attention and able to suffer), and this wasn’t a bad time to get rid of that obligation. (He’d never liked obligations very much, and he absolutely could not risk them now)

“Good. I have a couple things to take care of, so I’m going to trust you to stay here and not try anything. You and I both know there’s no way for you to get out of here in one piece.” Of course Dream remembered. The snug ring of dark metal around his neck, concealed by the lacy high-necked collar of his wedding dress, wouldn’t let him ever forget. “So don’t even try. It’d just be a giant waste of time for both of us.”

This wasn’t news to Dream. Apparently, some of that irritation managed to creep its way onto his face, because Quackity laughed and finally let go of Dream's hair, one hand shifting downward to rest forcefully on his shoulder. “Oh, you already know that one. Good. Hopefully, you won’t have to make me repeat it. Because, while that might be a bit fun for me, I like my pets to follow my rules without constantly having to be reminded.”

Dream stomped down the quick flash of anger (rage, really; rage and disgust and soft animal fear) and bit back a scoff. Shut the fuck up. (He wasn’t sure if he was talking to Quackity or himself) Do you want to get hurt? No? Then sit there and take it. Don’t say anything about it. (Don’t prove him right) Quackity was watching him, Dream knew, looking for any trace of a reaction. Dream wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. He smoothed his face into an indifferent porcelain mask, not so different from his signature mask (that had been stolen from him; he wasn't sure if Quackity had destroyed it [or at least tried to] or if he had just taken it and hidden it somewhere Dream couldn't reach or if he put it on display up as a trophy in Las Nevadas).

"Of course." He could be nice, he could be polite, if it would keep him safe. (And it would; it had to) He kept his eyes on the mirror (on the ghost of who he once was).

"Then we're on the same page." Dream watched Quackity's eyes narrow in the mirror. "Oh, and don't push yourself too much, darling." The word was a curse and a threat and a promise and a reminder of what was to come, salt rubbed in an open wound, sickeningly sweet and just as ugly, because he knew. "I don't need you bleeding all over the place."

Dream would also like to avoid that as well, even if just because he didn't want to tear his old wounds open again and deal with the pain (and because it wouldn't just be old injuries it would be new ones too because Quackity wouldn't appreciate it if that happened), so he nodded. "I'll try," he conceded.

"You better do good fucking job of it," Quackity muttered. "But that's enough, Dream. I have things to do, people to meet...I can't waste all of my time here with you, y'know. You understand, right." His hand released Dream's shoulder just to wrap around a lock of pale hair and pull it tight. It didn't hurt, not yet. Dream didn't even think Quackity was aware of it, but the threat was still there, even unconsciously. Nothing that Quackity ever did to him was accidental, of course, but he knew how easily Quackity could get carried away. That was never a good thing for anyone involved, especially not Dream.

"Yes, sir." The words slipped out of his mouth without him even noticing; the phrase was old (promising an escape from pain, if only for a moment, intermixed with desperate, animalistic fear and burning humiliation that he had learned to ignore), instinctive (drilled into him through pain and fear and threats and even more pain), and it took Dream a moment to realize that he had even spoken.

A gold tooth flashed in the light as Quackity laughed. He let go of Dream's hair, though. "Oh, so you do remember! I was worried you had forgotten, pet. But keep that to a minimum tonight, will you? Might not be the greatest look out in public. After we're out of the public eye though..." Quackity traced Dream's jawline with one finger and Dream tried not to flinch. He didn't dare to move (at least it wasn't the knife yet). "Go straight ahead."

Suddenly, Quackity let go of Dream and clapped his hands. "But that's enough of that. It's time for me to get going, and for you to be a good dog and stay put. Don't fucking touch anything, or I'll have your hide, wedding or no."

Quackity stood up and walked to the door, Dream's eyes following his reflection in the mirror. At the last second, he turned back towards Dream. "Just stay in this room and don't break anything. It won't get you anywhere, so why even try? I'll come get you later."

Quackity opened the door and stepped through, closing the door behind him. Dream heard the click of the door locking.

And, just like that, Dream was alone.

#dsmp #c!dream #c!quackity #loud duo #fanfiction #my writing #vegas wedding au #tw forced wedding

[lizzylucky]

Well over a year ago, I made and pinned a post explaining that I was essentially going through a mental rut and that's why I wasn't interacting with people much anymore. To put it simply.

My upper estimate for that "rut" was 2 months. Turns out, I was experiencing the early stages and warning signs for... like, full-on, legitimate burn out, and it hasn't stopped yet. Everything I've read says it can take between a few months and 5 years, which is... scary.

I don't have a lot of followers left, and I haven't interacted in fandoms or with people I admire much at all in a long time. I make efforts here and there, and sometimes I manage to find a blog I really like and I try to interact with it for a little while. It usually pewters out after a couple weeks. All that to say, there's not likely a lotta people who really care what's going on with me- which isn't to say people dislike me or something, just that I'm regarded neutrally because I don't have much of a presence, and I get that.

But for anyone who might care, I'm going through a lot. I haven't gotten my car back in the last year and a half and have given up on it. I had to move out of the apartment I was living from, 6 hours away from my best friend, and back in with my family. College has become an incomplete, distant past. I can't work, I can't take care of myself or my things, I barely do enough to keep my pets alive and relatively healthy... And I literally do not possess the ability to enjoy things or experience passion the way I used to or the way I should. I don't really have hobbies anymore, no goals or aspirations- and I often feel like I've been stripped of my personality.

I spend the majority of my time idly trying to entertain my overactive brain with content that goes in and out without leaving much of a lasting impression, trying to pass time between when I'm not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom. Bottom line, total honesty- life sucks. And sometimes I don't want to be experiencing it anymore.

I figured, because September is suicide awareness and prevention month, maybe it was time I update the last pinned post to something a little more current.

I'm not planning on going anywhere, speaking on that grander scale. But I've lost a lot of my vigor for life, and I have no idea how long before I feel up to more actively participating in the things that should be bringing me joy again, or even if I will. I'll still be here, occasionally finding ways to sort of interact, but I have nothing to really offer. So... thanks to anyone that still knows who I am, and don't ever feel guilty if we lose touch or you find yourself losing interest in being in contact. Sometimes that's just how it goes.

I'll hold on to that little hope that things get better one day, in the meantime. Don't none of you give up just yet, either. ❤️

[rosenallies]

Oh i'm back on the phone sex train after that! Thank you so much for writing it! Maybe a prompt for the future, what about one of Rosés sisters (preferably goona, since she doesn't have much backstory yet) visiting them in Chicago for the first time (maybe she's there for work or something) and she really bonds with nali? Something like that could be cute i think?

aw miss goona <3 tbh bc I’m a daydreamer and this au has been around for forever on this blog and I zone out while doing day to day tasks everyone in this au has such a deep backstory that just lives in my head and has never been said on here at all <3 even the girlies themselves <3 sorry this is a bit short and sweet but yeah <3 ty for keeping phone sex au alive and well <3

——

Rosé bounced on her heels excitedly, her green eyes sparkling as people filed into the baggage claim area, her eyes scanning for her younger sister that she hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. After months and months of begging and poor planning on both their parts, Rosé finally convinced her to come out to Chicago to visit and this time they both followed through with the plans.

“I’ve never seen you so excited,” Denali remarked, watching with amusement at her partner’s excitement.

“I miss her,” Rosé sighed, continuing to scan the crowd.

Since moving to Chicago just over five years ago now, Rosé had been back and forth a couple times to visit their youngest sister and her wife and kids, but since Lagoona divorced her husband she’d been traveling nonstop, doing all the things that she felt like she couldn’t do when she got married fresh out of high school. To say Rosé was excited just to see her would be an understatement but she was also incredibly excited to introduce her sister to Denali who’d become such a huge part of her life, it felt incomplete knowing that two of her favorite people in the world didn’t know each other.

Finally, out of the corner of her eye, Rosé spotted her.

“Lagoona!” She called, waving frantically toward her until she noticed, a wide smile spread across her face as she hurried to her sister, pulling her against her chest when she got there.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Rosé sniffled, suddenly overcome with emotion.

“Are you crying? My heartless big sister crying? Can’t be,” Lagoona joked, “you’re getting soft in your old age, huh?”

Rosé laughed, wiping her eyes. “I must be. You have her to thank for that,” she said, gesturing to Denali beside her, “this is-“

“Denali, I know,” Lagoona chuckled, pulling the shorter brunette in for a quick hug, “every phone call we’ve had for years has been ‘Denali this’ and ‘Denali that’. It’s so good to finally meet you, though. My sister really loves you.”

Denali felt herself flush. “It’s good to meet you too,” her voice dropped to a shy whisper, “I really love her too.”

“Oh, baby,” Rosé cooed, kissing her head, “I love you the most. But let’s head home before I make my sister sick.”

Conversation on the drive home flowed nicely, Lagoona spoke of her travels and the people she met along the way while Rosé chimed in with little tidbits about their life in Chicago, making Denali smile to herself from the backseat.

Once they got home, Rosé helped settle Lagoona into the guest bedroom before she started on dinner, asking multiple times before she left for the kitchen if either of them needed anything. Denali and Lagoona seemingly silently bonded as Rosé doted over them both, sharing a look every time she insisted she get Denali water or Lagoona a snack.

“She’s always been a people pleaser,” Lagoona laughed as the redhead disappeared into the kitchen, “always taking care of everyone else before herself.”

Denali smiled. “So that hasn’t changed at all then.”

“Not one bit,” Lagoona shook her head affectionately, “so tell me about you, Denali, besides the fact that you’ve somehow softened my sister into a pile of lovey mush.”

Feeling at ease with Lagoona felt easy for Denali who usually dreaded conversations like this, but Lagoona was so easy to talk to and she seemed genuinely interested in what Denali had to say despite them meeting officially only a few hours prior. From what Rosé has told Denali of her parents, she briefly wonders how people like that managed to raise three incredible daughters, every one of them a gem in their own way.

By the time Rosé announced dinner was ready, Denali felt like she’d been catching up with someone she’d known for forever.

Just before they entered the kitchen, Lagoona placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I can tell even if you weren’t the love of my sister’s life, we’d be great friends.”

Denali smiled. “I think so too.”

#I fr have a whole storyline in my head where lagoona was like a glass child bc of rosé’s .. issues <3 #and with her being the middle child she kind of got left out a lot and forgotten so to say #and she resented rosé for it lowkey but then they rekindled their sisterhood and blah blah blah #this is the shit I think about when I’m like driving to work <3 #prompt request #phone sex au

[ilaiyayaya]

🤔i don't know what to do now.

I was gonna look into getting HRT, and I'm probably still gonna do that pretty soon, but then my car died and I had to spend nearly 4k on a new one, which luckily I saved enough to where I'm still fine, but it did completely interrupt my streak of productivity towards doing trans stuff. On top of that, having to be around both my father and one of my uncles almost every day for the last 2 weeks to deal with said car has caused a massive drop in mental health and I've especially been in kill mode for the last 48 hours, which makes it kinda hard to get anything else done.

Overall tho, getting a car now is probably a net positive, I'm not gonna have to worry about panicking to get a car as quickly as possible after I moved out because if my old one had died after I left, but before I was able to get a new one, I would've probably been really fucked. Not great timing to happen at this exact moment though.

And on the topic of moving out, I don't really have any reason to not just move to an entirely different state now. I'm not entirely sure where to move, wherever it is, realistically it'll probably be relatively short-term, but every reason I had before to stay in my current area is kinda gone, I have a car now and thus won't have to worry as much about dying on the road while driving 500,000,000,000 kilometers to another state, I pretty much exclusively talk to all of my friends online now, even the ones that I do live near, so that won't really change much, I kinda hate my job now and have been heavily considering quitting since like, November so like, don't really care to stay here just for that. The only real reason I have to stay here is that living expenses are fairly cheap, but this is far from the only area in the country where that's the case, and I know there are other places that are even cheaper. My reasons for needing to leave keep increasing too, the core general reason is just, my family live here, and I want most of my family dead (and some of them want me dead too!) but more specifically, my mother almost certainly knows I'm still living here by this point, I learned about 6 months ago that she had moved back here after being in another state for the last 5 years, and while I'm not in contact with her at all, it's not unlikely that she's heard from someone else that I'm here, possibly even where I work or any other information, and her knowing literally anything about my current location pretty much puts a timer on my life because she really does not want me to be alive. Tension with the rest of my family has also gotten significantly worse in the last few months (which is largely my fault but like, what am I supposed to do, not tell my uncle to kill himself???), which really I don't care much about, most of them I normally see 5 times per year max, and even the few I do see more often than that have extremely little impact on my life, but the bigger concern is that a couple of them have definitely, at least to some degree, caught onto me being trans. Or maybe they just think I'm gay but like either way it's a potential problem for me, my family is extremely bigoted (the uncle I told to kill himself literally prompted me to say that by going on a massive rant about electric cars being bad because, something about them all being made by f*gs??? idk being in the same room as that man is like being in the same room as a stereotypical 4chan user, but like, the worst kind) (that uncle btw is not one of the relatives that have probably caught onto me being trans, he is so incredibly dense that I could probably directly tell him I'm trans myself and he probably just like, wouldn't even process it and then somehow use it as an opportunity to tell me to remove all of my money from the banks because the blog he read says joe biden is gonna pass a bill tomorrow that makes banks disappear). Biggest reason why I think some of them know is because a couple of them (one in particular, a different uncle than the one i told to kill himself) have really started to enjoy bringing up conversation topics related to trans and gay people, and my answer is always just complete neutrality, but in a way where it is so extremely obvious that I am just trying to say whatever gets them to shut the fuck up. If any of them, or especially my father who I currently live with, had 100% concrete proof that I'm trans, it would become completely insufferable, I would actually end up murdering one of them within a week I am certain of it, even just being in the same area and them knowing where I live, they would make my life hell immediately, and I'd really rather just not deal with that, and it's really hard to fully cut contact with those people if I'm living in the same town as them, even if I try to.

Another one of the other reasons I had for just getting an apartment where I currently live was that I had a few options for potential roommates, which would make paying rent a lot easier, but that's not the case anymore, some of those options went away once I came out as trans, some I am absolutely not comfortable with living with anymore, a few have since found other roommates or just moved out on their own, and the rest are all just other miscellaneous reasons. I don't really have any viable options for roommates in other states either, but since I don't have any here either, it doesn't really make much of a difference. I technically do know people elsewhere that would probably be willing to live with me, the problem is they're all either in other countries, which I'd be fine with eventually, but not right now, or they're in texas or florida, so, so many in texas and florida, texas especially, why is everyone i know in texas i am not moving to texas especially when most of the people i know that already live there hate it. so yea I'm pretty much on my own unless I want to move to the UK or Texas and I'm not doing that, luckily I expected and prepared for this so I should be fine financially for at least 1 year even on my own, even if it's not ideal. Financially I'm probably fine moving somewhere else, the main concern is everything else cuz like, I'm dumb. and stupid. and incompetent. and i fuck everything up and am bad at everything. Me being stupid and incompetent still applies to living the same state i currently do but like, 🤔idk i just feel like i'd be more likely to have actual consequences for being a massive fuckup somewhere that isn't here. But like yea I'm an idiot.

I don't even know where I would move, for the last few months I was looking into apartments with the intent of temporarily living here for like 6 more months, but again, new car, no more reasons to stay, I think it'd kinda just be a waste of 6 months at this point. But if I commit to moving to a different state I'll have to completely restart the process of searching for an apartment, except it'll be even harder because I don't even know where to look for an apartment at, like I don't know where I want to go I just know I can't be here for much longer. Plus moving states probably requires a bunch of paperwork stuff, like, I probably need a new license for that state and like uhhh new bank account because the current bank i use only has locations in this state and i don't know how hard all of that stuff is to do, like I said I'm a stupid idiot that's incompetent and dumb and should die. Guess I'll die then cause as I've been writing this I'm becoming more and more committed to the idea of just saying fuck it and leaving, I have no clue how much longer it'll take to find a place and get everything sorted out in order to move states but like, if I stay in this town for another 6 months or more like my original plan I am absolutely going to end up killing myself, and that would not be fun so I'd rather not do that.

Idk whether it'd be better to just start hrt after finding another place, or go back to trying to get it now, because on one hand finding somewhere in another state could potentially take a lot longer than it would've taken to find a place in this town and each month that goes by without me being on estrogen is another month closer to the guillotine, but also if I try starting hrt immediately after I move out it'd just be adding to the pile of things to be stressed about because I'd be going through the whole process of trying to get it while also trying to figure out everything else. I was trying to list reasons why both starting hrt now, and starting hrt later have downsides, but I think I literally just gave reasons for why starting hrt later would be bad, but like trust me there are reasons why looking into getting it now would also be hard and potentially bad, it's fine it's fine I have the excuse of being kinda tired and extra mentally ill after just getting out of one of the worst meltdowns I've ever had over the last 24 hours so like it's fine if everything I say is completely incomprehensible verbal slop I get the free pass to be unhinged right now if you yell at me for being insane right now you're being mean and unfair and i'll cry. Mods decipher what anything said in this entire multi-paragraph rant means even I, the writer, the author, the director, the lead actor, do not understand what literally any of it means. I should probably sleep but mania hittin too hard to do so so instead time to listen to the Colress battle theme on loop and walk in circles (a normal tuesday (chewsday innit)).

I am so confused

#my brain is the size of this walnut except way smaller #dollgore #mods; put her brain in a washing machine and turn it on high #mods; put her tongue in a microwave and set the timer for 12 minuttes #mods; put her eyeballs in the 3d printer and cover them in filament #chat what the fuck is the streamer saying? can we ban her please? #manic episodes are kinda like being high on cocaine; except like; less cool; but like; everything else is exactly the same #i have been listening to the same song on loop for 4 days straight nonstop and i barely even like the song what is wrong with me #the song in question is both Third Eye Tango by Akatsuki Records; and also the Colress battle theme from Pokemon BW2 #DO NOT QUESTION WHY I LISTEN TO 2 SONGS ON LOOP AT THE SAME TIME YOU JUST DON'T HAVE AS ELEVATED OF A CONSCIOUSNESS AS ME!!!!! #ngl; top google result for “stack akatsuki records” reddit post is kinda entirely correct I fucking hate this band #POWER WORD: KILL!!!! #brain hurty #why does that rika gif exist? why would she say that it's so rude :( #i am so gonna want to delete this in like 5 hours this is the most unhinged i've been in a non-draft post in like; at least a few minutes

[abishekmuses]

Dear Nastya,

I've been on this streak of writing something everyday - I intended for this to be a forcing function for me to start putting words down and kickstarting a writing habit.

I've been at it for a while now- close to a month I think. It's been good. But I also realise how I don't have as much to say as I thought I did. Sometimes I do and I write them down. but most of the time, I'm thinking about optimising my own life - I'm trying to make sense of what I want - what I don't want. I am trying to get myself out of some mindfuck or some emotional tangle.

Not that those posts from like a month ago were actually literary gold but I at least managed to find something that could be put up on a blog post. Now, it feels like I'm running dry - but I guess that's where this exercise of writing every day no matter what is going to pay off.

I hope so anyway.

Today, as I sat down to write, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write about - just didn't feel like there was anything I wanted to say to myself. Also wasn't feeling like writing for ONiO (which would satisfy the conditions to mark today as done, writing wise.

So i figured I'd write to you. See if that makes it easier for the words to flow out - and here they are - the words do seem to be flowing out.

So, what do I want to say to you? First of all, I really hope your kidneys are doing fine and you're doing fine as a whole. I thought of something happening to you a couple of days ago and the thought was so scary it made me cry. I miss you a lot sometimes.

In the beginning, I was super occupied - very "highway to the danger zone", "eye of the tiger" kinda vibe - was in a go getter flow. Just doing things all the time and wondering why i don't have more time to do more things.

And then slowly but surely, the emotions came. In the beginning I was still rolling and thought "meh this is easy; I just lean into these feelings and i'm releasing a ton of stuff" - turns out i was stupid. the shit really started after MSR and velliangiri trek - some of those days were fucking hectic nastyush.

I was thinking the other day - funnily enough, in the beginning, when i was in a monastic zone and then later when i was in a properly "suffering" kinda state, I didn't think of you or miss you much. But when I got into the zone where I was filled with a lust for life and wanted to do this and that, I suddenly started missing you a lot and wanted to hang out really bad.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell we're doing with our lives if we can't even hang out with our favourite people - it's something i've been thinking about recently. Community is super important - we both know it - why not double down and invest in keeping it together?

Easier said than done I know - where would we do it blab blah I know - BUT IT SUCKS THOUGH!!!!!!!

Just checked on FB to make sure you're alive.

right now, i'm filled with a lot of emotions for some reason. Don't know why. I feel lost sometimes and cry a lot. But then I remind myself that this is me coming out of the mess - not getting into a new one.

I"ve been thinking a lot about the past. About Ukraine. About all those years. I still can't stop crying when I think about that time. But slowly I'm getting to a place where I am finding myself better oriented in the present.

Journaling is a good thing apparently - i can see why. I'm glad I started journaling again.

I fucked up my back Nastyush. Hate to complain but at this point I'm just writing this to myself so what the hell. So no getting hot for now. Has to wait. it's been really frustrating but I hope it gets better soon. I'm forcing myself to rest and not do anything for now. today, i thought i did "rehab" and even that was too much by the looks of it. Need to lay totally low again for a few days.

I wonder what you're upto with life these days. It feels so long ago that I spoke to you although it was only 7 weeks ago. 5 more weeks to go.

At various points in this period, there's a part of me that wants to just carry on like thise for a good while - like 3 years. Maybe that's not realistic or practical i don't know. Definitely in the early days, I felt like this was it - like all this time in life was just to come to this stage where you realise "oh fuck I need to do sadhana and get out of this" lol something like that.

Can't relate to that now. I'm in a totally different mindspace. I feel like hugging you and crying nastyush. I didn't realise it until I started writing this to you. Even writing this makes me feel cared for and loved in some way. I don't know if that makes sense.

[ajoytobeheld]

I WISH THIS WAS A LIVEJOURNAL ACCOUNT

March 20th, 2008

this is my favourite time of the day when we’re not on tour.

3pm: come dine with me (best thing on tv)

3:30pm: countdown

4:15pm: deal or no deal (often coupled with a nap)

5pm: golden balls

6pm: friends

6:30pm: hollyoaks

usually sat with one or both of my sisters, and my mum.

one of the things I think about often as ‘gareth off of los campesinos!’ is how truthful i should be with my opinions. i mean, if 18 months ago somebody had come up to me on the street and said “what do you think of <insert name of band I don’t like here>?” then I would happily, gloriously have rattled off a list of reasons why they are awful and why anybody who likes them is very foolish.

but since being in a band that for some reason music press and some humans are vaguely interested in I find myself facing questions like this quite a lot. I think the best thing to do would be to refuse to comment, or reply with something like “can’t i just speak about bands i like instead?”, which i did do for a long time, but that got boring. It’s not through a desire to be controversial at all, but just to be HONEST. i’m a ‘music fan’. and music fans talk about bands that they like and bands that they don’t like, right? it’s natural.

so now I’ve been asked to do a question thing for a broadsheet newspaper, and it sets me up with questions like these:

“I couldn’t marry someone who liked…“

“The worst song I have heard is…“

 what’s a boy to do?

I just saw an advert for crusha milk shake syrup stuff. It’s animated by the people that do rathergood.com. i remember spending a lot of time on that site when i was about 17. but basically, this time round in a post-’LOL cats’ world, I can see this being a pretty succesful ad-campaign (oh yeh, it has comedy cats in it, that’s my point).

i should write something about band stuff shouldn’t i? I’m mostly doing this because there have been no blog posts for a long time, and it’d be nice to keep it alive. But I’m not much up for writing about stuff that happens on tour, because i’ve already told my parents, and if i did it would probably look like this:

“HUMMUS IN FRANCE HAS DAIRY IN IT!! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT!?!?!”

we just got back from SXSW though. it was a really great experience and put british festivals to shame (we said this about lollapalooza last year. i guess there’s just a lot more money and a lot less rain involved in those things). i got to see so many bands I was desperate to. Mika Miko, High Places, Times New Viking, John Maus, etc. the weather was glorious. i took my shirt off for a bit and wore shirts and sunglasses because there was no other way.

Listen to more: High Places, Mika Miko, Psychedelic Horseshit, cLOUDDEAD.

every time the bank asks me my ‘occupation’ i die inside a little. 

what are your best dating tips? mine would be:

“always go out with someone who likes you a little bit more than you like them”.

and one day i will DO IT!

i’m gonna start work on issue two of ROMANCE IS BORING very shortly. some really exciting people have already said they will contribute. it’ll be ready for the april shows. probably. 

garethx 

#2008 #lc!blog

[cdmagic1408]

(click for better quality!! DO NOT STEAL!!)

Whew! I managed to draw this in spare time between my busy college classes and right before boarding the plane to LA 😅 ⬆️

But anyway…

✨ Happy 2nd Anniversary Onward!!! ✨

Chantar's Talon! What can I say that I haven't already said?

I guess I'll start with who would've thought I'd still be attached to this movie two years later?!

Yet here I am and I am not sorry at all 😎

I love Ian and Barley so much, their brotherhood is beautiful on so many levels, and their world is absolutely awesome! 😍

Having said that, I think it's pretty safe to say that Onward has become my absolute favorite animated movie of all time, and my ultimate comfort film!

But it's also so much more than that...

Onward is inspiring, relatable, funny, and magical. But let me emphasize on why it is ✨ inspiring ✨...

I've always been shy, introverted, and afraid to put myself out there to people and to share what I like with them. But Ian's journey to be bold has inspired me to be more bold too! ✊

First by writing and publishing a 33-chapter fanfic continuation of his and Barley's story from where it left off, then creating this blog and sharing it with you guys, and finally having the guts and confidence to advertise this story across my college campus!

And having done all of that, I feel great! 😄

I love being here, I love this fandom, and I love you Quest Masters! I love coming here everyday and getting to share my love and my thoughts on this film with all of you!

I've loved movies and shows on a die-hard level before but this is really the first fandom I've ever truly been a part of

I became an active member of the Onward fandom just about six months ago but before that I was sorta incognito, writing IYTM undercover hoping to prove myself and share something great and authentic with you all ✍️

But now I am happy and proud to be out here, to support you guys, to have done my part, and to continue doing my part to help keep this film's legacy alive because I think it is super important

Not only to help it receive the same amount of credit as other beloved Pixar films do, but also because I feel represented by this film 🎖

I haven't really said this yet but sometimes I turn to Onward because certain days in college, I just miss my family: my mom and my sister, my Laurel and my Barley.

I miss having all three of us together in the same house, and when my sister and I went to school together. And sometimes I wish I could go back and relive those days again... 😔

But I feel so lucky to spend Onward's anniversary week with them both in LA this week! A family reunion! And I can't wait to spend it with all of you today! 😃

I guess to wrap things up, over my winter break a couple months ago I managed to find my movie ticket from when I saw Onward for the first time in theaters back on March 9th, 2020! 🎞 🤩

I'm so glad I still have it as it marked the beginning of something truly great! But I also see it as a memory of how things were before COVID hit. I genuinely don't know when things will go back to normal (that is Pixar movies going back to theaters...) but I'm grateful I have this movie to bring me a smile on my face everyday 😊

So thank you all for loving Onward as much as I do and for believing in it. Because I still believe in it and I hope to keep believing in it for years to come ✨

#onward anniversary #onward 2nd anniversary #onward #onward pixar #disney onward #pixar onward #pixar #disney pixar #pixar movies #onward fandom #ian lightfoot #barley lightfoot #onward ian #onward barley #cdmagic1408

[9tzuyu]

my guitar is slightly out of tune, but i’m eternally yours.

[reuploaded and revised from my old blog.]

↠ prompt: you have a terminal illness but you have a chance with treatment but you deny it, then you meet wanda and you feel alive again.

↠ warnings: kinda angsty, but worth the read :>.

requests are always open!

masterlist

∘∴∙*⋆∙∴⋆∘∙*. ∘

“Oh–” was all you managed to say. “I recommend we start radiation treatments-” You zoned out and watched your feet dangle from the edge of the exam table. Was this it? Was this really all there was for you? It seemed hopeless to even do anything at this point. You figured if this was affecting you again, it was for a reason. 

"No. I don't want treatment." The doctor looked at you and his gaze faltered. "You do understand that if you refuse treatment this will inevitably kill you?" You nodded. The words felt empty, they carried no weight behind them anymore. Nonetheless, the doctor continued to try and persuade you. 

"I said I don't want the treatment. I'm refusing medical advice. I don't want to have to go through this again, it's obviously not going away. Now where the hell do I sign the papers?" You exasperated. The doctor gave you one last look before getting the papers for you to embark your signature on.

“You’re one-hundred percent sure about this?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “I've got nothin' left for me here anyways. Might as well just let nature take its course.”

"Well surely you've got someone, a friend maybe?" You shook your head.

 "Nope." You replied, popping the P at the end. The doctor seemed to finally grasp the situation when you handed the papers back to him as if you were turning in a job application.

He pursed his lips, "I'm going to give prescribe medication for the pain. Based on the size of the tumor I'd say you have about eight months to live, but only about half of those months will be enjoyable." You nodded your head in reply and gathered your stuff together. 

So how were you going to spend your last months on earth? That was the question you asked yourself. You walked out of the building and found yourself in a coffee shop. It was busy, but you found yourself a seat next to a window in the back of the shop. Your eyes gazed out the window as you pondered your question from earlier.

'I could move to New York and see broadway shows I've never wanted to see'

'There's always casinos–'

'–Or what about splurging your money on dumb things that you'll quite literally never need?'

You laughed at your thoughts. You made up your mind right there, you were going to live the rest of your life just the way it was. It’d be easier that way. You didn't have friends, no longer had parents, so it's not like anyone would really miss you really. All you had was your pet cat and your guitar. And truth be told, that's all you needed. 

Coffee.

"Hello?" You snapped out of your gaze to see a beautiful brunette standing in front of you. The second thing you noticed was her accent, you'd never heard it before. “I was wondering if this seat was taken?” She softly smiled at you. You returned the gesture and shook your head no. "The place is cram packed and you seemed trustworthy. I hope I'm not disturbing you or anything, you seemed to be pretty deep in thought." The young woman blushed a crimson color, "I'm sorry I probably seem weird or something, I'll go."

Normally you would have cared, but at this point in time you didn't mind the company. So, with the slightest bit of hesitation, you called out for her.

“Wait! It’s fine, don’t worry. I-I’m all alone.” The woman’s smile widened as she took a seat across from you. “Thanks. I'm Wanda, what's your name?”

"Y/N." 

"Y/N..." She flexed your name on her tongue, "That's a beautiful name."

"I'm stuck with it for life, so I sure hope it's at least a decent name." You narrowed your eyes at her as you joked. A giggle escaped the gap between her lips, causing a small flutter to emit in your stomach.

"So what do you do?" She asked, intrigued by your presence.

"Well I do a lot of things, I walk, I talk, I breathe-"

"Oh shut up! You know what I meant." Wanda’s eyes gleamed with friendliness and warmth. She seemed like the type you'd be friends with if you weren't dying. "Okay, okay, I play guitar and sing while my cat eats her food." Wanda's eyes lit up at the mention of a cat. 

"You have a cat? What's her name?" Her elbows were propped up on the table with her head resting in her hands, showing just how actually interested she was in you.

“Her name is Nala. You know, from The Lion King?”

Wanda’s brows furrowed together. She’d never seen The Lion King, much less heard of it.

Your jaw dropped at her confusion. “You mean to tell me you’ve never seen The Lion King?”

“I’m Sokovian, what do you expect?” 

“Ahh, I see. Well, do you at least have any pets?”

"My apartment doesn't allow pets."

"So? Sneak one in." You replied nonchalantly, crushing ice between your teeth. Wanda looked at you in shock. "No way! Knowing me I'd get my ass caught on the first day." You shrugged in reply and the conversation quickly went dead.

Wanda checked her phone, moving abruptly to get up from her seat. "I'm so sorry, I have to go now. I'll see you around, okay?"

“Sure.”

After another half hour of waiting on nothing and thinking about everything, you finally decided it was time to leave. A feeling of regret washed over you. The woman was kind, very friendly, something that you craved.

But you couldn’t allow yourself these things now, especially given the direction you were heading.

_____

Over the next few weeks you'd spent your time songwriting, journaling and a midst of other lonely, boring things. Sometimes you'd catch yourself thinking about the woman in the coffee shop, but you tended not to dwell too much on the past. 

You thought about your tumor and all the different ways it was growing inside you. It grossed you out more than anything, but you weren't afraid. At least not now you weren't. 

A heavy sigh slipped from your lips, and the sudden urge to go to the park overtook the need to do anything else. You’d never really visited the park in your area before, so you decided now was the time. 

The beige acoustic guitar rest heavily on your shoulders, similarly to the weight of the world. It was bitter, no taste of sweetness was left over in the aftermath.

Leaves crunched under your feet as you made your way into the park. The smell of pine and bark surrounded you, just as the pinch of cold air that struck your face. It was tranquil.

You marched your way over to a nearby tree secluded from everyone else. Setting your guitar down, you nested cozily against the wood. Your journal rest aside your hip as did the pen that exchanged your thoughts into words.

Humming quietly, your fingertips grazed the instrument’s delicate strings. Music filled the air around you, but it came to a quick stop nearly ten minutes after you’d begun.

"Hey, I know you. Y/N, right?" You heard a familiar accented voice behind you. You turned around to find Wand standing above you. "Uh yeah, that's me. What's up?" She sat down beside you, making you a little uncomfortable, but you figured you could deal with it for the sake of being nice. 

"Nothing. I just saw you and thought I’d say hi. What about you? I see you have your guitar."

“Just singing,” you mumbled quietly.

She smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of your face that was blown in from the wind. "You’re really pretty." You bit your lip and you could feel the heat rise to you face. "Thanks."

"Mhm. So last time I didn't get your number, maybe I will this time?" She asked (although her eyes were begging). You couldn’t help but feel something while she bit her lip, her doe eyes unintentionally focusing on your lips.

"I'll have to give you mine, I didn't bring my phone with me – don’t use it much." You replied. She handed her phone to you and you typed your number in.

"Do you not have family or friends you keep up with?" Her brow quirked in curiosity.

"Parents died, no siblings, and no friends. I don't have many people to worry about."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"It's fine, I don't mind." She looked down in her lap before asking another question. "What about a job? Do you work?" Wanda was definitely a curious one, but each question she asked carried you in a way you’d never felt before. It was refreshing to have someone interested in you, and not your disease. 

"Nope, when my parents died they left all their life savings to me. It's plenty enough for me to live on." Your fingers began lightly playing the chords of a song. It was often that you unknowingly played when you were scared or nervous. You'd only realize afterwards. 

"That's good– not that your parents died, but you know, you have money and stuff. Even if it's– oh my god- " 

You cracked out a laugh, causing her to look at you in terror. Noticing this, you rest a hand on her shoulder. "Wanda, it's okay. You're fine, I know what you mean." She nodded shyly and looked up to the sky. 

"Hey, it's sunset! I love sunsets, I used to watch them all the time with my brother back in Sokovia." Her voice wavered at the end of her sentence, and you easily picked up on it.

"Something wrong?" You asked. She laid her head on your lap and you stiffened, but quickly relaxed. This is fine. This is okay. You set your guitar aside and began to play with her hair.

"I miss him. Pietro..." She paused for a second before continuing. "He died a couple of years ago from cancer." You felt your heart drop for the first time at the mention of the horrid disease that stripped you away from most of your life. "Oh." The word seemed to become your go-to for whenever you didn't know how to accept information you were given.

"He was the other half of me. We were twins, I felt like my whole world fell apart. After he died I moved out of my country and moved here. Since then I've made some good friends. You might like them." 

“I’m sorry about your brother. I’m sure he was wonderful, Wanda.” You whispered, bringing a piece of her hair to the end of a braid. “I'm happy you've made some friends." Wanda nodded and snuggled closer in your lap. "Maybe I can be your friend?" You gave it a thought. You weren't sure you could do that to her, not with your illness anyway. Guilt nawed at you already. She’d already lost someone so beloved and close to her from it, how awful you began to feel if you had to put her through that again.

"Y/N?"

You stared at her for a few moments before answering. "I don't know, maybe." She turned over to face you, but you avoided her gaze. "I'm going to figure you out you know." You stifled a laugh, "And you'll be sorry you ever did."

"Whatever."

____

Four months passed and you thought they would be empty, meaningless months, but with Wanda nuzzling her way into your life you began to feel alive for the first time. When she came around it was like a switch you couldn't turn off. 

Right now, you sat at your desk strumming your guitar while watching Nala play with a toy dinosaur you’d bought her just weeks ago. This life was good too, you thought. But it was lonely.

You weren't quite sure what Wanda meant to you yet, but you were slowly discovering that whatever the two of you had, blossomed into something more each second you spent together.

Popping a Vicodin in your mouth, your phone buzzed. It would be no one else but Wanda.

be there in a few, it's urgent. 

Panic set in your body as you worried for the safety of your friend. What could possibly be the matter? Normally Wanda talked about what was bothering her.

A knock at your door brought you out of your gaze and you stumbled to answer it. Wanda was distressed, her hair a mess and her eyes red.

“Whats wro-” You were cut off By Wanda smashing her lips onto yours. 

She pulled back in shock. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I-"

You shut her up by pushing her into the wall, door closing behind you. Her lips tasted of strawberry and her hands began to roam your body.

One thing led to another and you both ended up naked on your bed. How amazing it must be to wake up and know that you won’t be dead in the next few months.

"You're good. Almost too good. Where did you learn all that from having no friends?" She smirked at you. You gave her a smile and kissed her again. Your arms wrapped around her nude body and together you felt the utter bliss and excitement radiating from one another.

. . . . 

Three weeks later yoy began to shake. It was hardly noticeable, and it just so happened to occur when you were playing

It’s downhill from here and you know that.

"Can you fix it? Can you fix this?" You yelled at him, despite knowing it was all your fault. If you would've just taken the treatments you wouldn't be in this place. But back then your life had no real meaning, it was just you and your cat.

You hadn't planned on falling in love with someone. 

"There's nothing I can do now. Treatments won't work, it's too far gone. I'm surprised it took this long to start showing symptoms."

For the first time in years, you felt tears beginning to build in your eyes. "You don't understand, I love her and now I'm just going to leave her? This can't be happening, you have to do something!" You pleaded, but the doctor’s eyes were solemn, giving you the only reply you needed. 

You stormed out of the hospital and made your way to Wanda. Silence rang through your ears.

Tell her. You have to tell her.

It will be over.

Sobs wrecked your body as you fumbled with the keys to your shared apartment. The door opened to a sight you wanted to live forever.

There she was, perched on the couch while massaging Napa’s scruffy fur. She was content, happy, and here you were to ruin it.

"Y/N? Baby what's wrong?" She got up from her spot and rushed over to you, worry etched on her face. You clung onto her for more life than you had left. And god, You weren't scared before, but you sure as hell were now. 

"I have terminal cancer."

Wanda froze.

"That's not funny, Y/N. You know how I feel about this topic." Her glare was hasty, burning into your skin.

"I was diagnosed almost five months ago, please Wanda you have to believe me. I have tremors, don't you see?" You raised your hand up to show her, but she slapped it away. "You're making yourself do that, Y/N. Stop joking, or I'm leaving." She crossed her arms

"W-What?" Your chest tightened.

"I said stop joking."

"I'm not joking, Wanda!"

"I'm leaving," She huffed, snatching her jacket before slamming the door shut.

And it was true, she did leave. However, Wanda didn't leave for the reasons she gave you.

She loved you, but she couldn’t handle another loss like this.

. . . . 

During the next two months you experienced the most heartache you'd ever felt before. The combination of vomiting, body aches, and dizziness didn't help. If anything, it made it worse. You missed Wanda. Everything about her gave you a reason to live.

You were on your seventh month and the pain was unbearable. It hurt to reach out for a cup of water, your hands shook uncontrollably all while sending jolts of scorching pain throughout the entirety of your arm.

Undoubtedly, the hospital bed became your next best friend (although it was the worst one you’d ever had. But it somehow managed to weasel its way back in your life).

Wanda was nowhere to be seen, and if anything that only progressed your disease. The only thing that kept you sane was your guitar, and the fact that Nala was being taken care of by a sweet, old nurse (who sometimes snuck her in so you could see her).

It was about the small things now. 

More days passed and each one was getting worse. By now you just wanted to end it all on your own, but you were physically too weak to do that.

There was a knock on your door, but you ignored it thinking it was just another nurse. "Y/N?" The voice was soft, it felt like it'd been years since you last heard it. You turned your head slightly to see Wanda standing in the doorway. A weak smile formed on your face.

"Hey you." 

Wanda quickly dropped her things and ran to your side. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She mumbled over and over again as you calmly stroked her hair.

"It's okay, you know it is." You whispered in her ear. She looked up at you and shook her head, "But it's not okay, I left you when you needed me the most." You stared at her adoringly and the tips of your fingers gently rubbed away the tears from her face. "But I'm still here, aren't I?" She laughed through her cries, "Yeah... you're still here."

Both of you knew you didn't have much time left, but you ignored that other than the fact that you made her promise to take care of Nala when you were gone. She held your hand and got you everything you needed.

And you love her so deeply for that.

One night you had the feeling that your time was coming soon, so you woke Wanda up from her sleep. "Sweetheart?" She stirred a little before finally sitting up. 

"Yeah?"

"Hand me my guitar?" She tilted her head, "But your shakes?" You ignored her and asked for it again. 

When she handed you your beloved guitar you took it with grace. "Come help me, I wanna play a song." She nodded and came to your side.

Your fingers struggled as they strummed the delicate strings on the instrument. You picked one of Wanda's favorite, and when you were done you spoke lightly.

"My guitar is slightly out of tune, but I'm eternally yours."

#wanda maximoff x reader #scarlet witch x reader #elizabeth olsen x reader #avengers x reader #avengers imagine

[panharmonium]

you know what?

no.  absolutely not.

i already did part 1 of this post here.  i’m back again with part 2, because unfortunately the awfulness factor doesn’t stop with arthur, and as much as i adore hunith generally, this entire sequence is a MESS.

and yes, i am aware that pretty much nobody else thinks so.  every time i see this scene referenced in fandom, it is always framed as a fun, cutesy, sing-songy moment of “oooo, hunith ships merthur!”  literally every time.  

which, you know, like i always say about everything fandom-related - that’s fine.  everybody is going to enjoy things differently; you do you, and keep on having fun!  but here on my own blog, in my own space, i am gonna do me, and in this case ‘me’ involves yelling about how much i can’t stand that particular read, and how angry the end of 1.10 makes me.

disclaimer, to help folks curate their own fandom experiences: i am going to be Very Cranky for the rest of this post.  if you love this particular scene in the way i just mentioned, you will probably want to scroll on by, because this piece of meta most likely won’t be your jam.  as always, these are my personal thoughts and nobody is obligated to share them, so please do not hesitate to simply skip this post if we are on different wavelengths - instead, keep enjoying fandom in whatever way is most fun for you!

fair warning now given, off i go on a long, frustrated tirade.

i already wrote about the first half of this scene, where arthur decides that the appropriate thing to do at this particular moment is to give merlin a scolding about the evils of sorcery, despite the fact that the only reason arthur is even alive to deliver this lecture in the first place is because merlin’s ‘sorcerer’ best friend just DIED saving arthur’s life.  but sure, you know what, let’s use said best friend’s funeral to chastise merlin about how “dangerous” sorcerers are.  let’s just make that completely dickheaded decision.  

and, moving on to the second half of this scene - here’s the thing.  hunith overhears this entire conversation.  she overhears arthur telling merlin off about sorcery, in front of the burning corpse of merlin’s best friend, who is, as far as arthur knows, the ‘sorcerer’ who died saving arthur’s life.  

and yet, for some inexplicable reason, hunith still cannot get off the arthur pendragon train for two damn seconds.  

she has known arthur for less than a week.  by contrast, she has known will for his entire life.  but the instant arthur walks away, hunith sidles up next to merlin and says, “you’d better be going” - like.  okay, my god, can you try to hustle him away from his best friend’s in-progress funeral any faster?????  how about we maybe give him a second?  the pyre hasn’t even burnt down yet, and merlin hasn’t had a single second to himself since this sequence started.  he’s had to stand there and listen to arthur insult the dude who everyone is supposed to be memorializing, and then hunith - who overheard the entire thing - zips right over and tries to chivvy merlin on his way.  you’d better be going.

HELLO?!  the pyre is still roaring.  how about, instead of hassling merlin and hustling him offstage, everybody just sits down and waits for a minute.  how about they all just leave merlin alone for three everloving seconds.  

honestly, just - every time i think about this scene i get angrier.

i love hunith, and i know she’s well-intentioned.  but everything she gives merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs.  he doesn’t need to be hurried off the village green like there’s some reason he can’t stay there for the entirety of his friend’s funeral.  he doesn’t need to be pushed into going back to camelot when he is clearly struggling with the idea of leaving ealdor again.  and he absolutely does not need to be told how much someone else “needs” him right now, when he himself is the one who is having a fucking crisis and who needs someone to take care of him.

i cannot emphasize that last point enough.  it is just - beyond upsetting to me that hunith literally watches arthur shitting on merlin’s dead best friend (and, by proxy, merlin himself, since merlin is the actual sorcerer) and she still somehow thinks the right thing to do is walk over and start telling merlin how great arthur is and how arthur “needs” him and how merlin “belongs at arthur’s side.”  

i can’t stand that.  it makes me so angry.  it’s not right.  it’s not fair.  it’s damaging.  it’s the same shitty messaging that destroys merlin’s life in later seasons, this idea that he exists for someone else’s sake, the complete disregard for what he himself might want at any given moment, for what he himself might need, for the reservations he might have about this plan that other people have formulated for his life.

he is UNCOMFORTABLE when she says these things to him!  he doesn’t look at her; he shifts his gaze to arthur and the camelot squad with this grim, unconvinced expression on his face, and then he averts his eyes from her.

everything hunith tells merlin in this scene is the exact opposite of what he needs to hear.  he does not need someone to tell him how badly his services are “needed” by a man who hates the person merlin truly is, not when the only friend who ever accepted merlin’s true self has just been killed.  he does not need to be told that arthur, who is alive solely because will is dead and who only seconds ago expressed exactly zero gratitude for that sacrifice, is the person to whom merlin owes his undying loyalty.  he does not need to be shuffled off to camelot as quickly as possible, as if it would be better for him to just rush forward and forget what happened here, as if what happened here didn’t matter.  

because what happened here did matter, whether hunith and arthur find it convenient to acknowledge or not.  i have to lay this out again, because what happened to merlin in ealdor is so much more important than anybody ever seems to realize - and i do understand that, i really do (because yes, it was just one episode for us) - but we have to look at it from merlin’s perspective, not the audience’s.

will wasn’t ‘one episode’ for merlin.  

i can’t say this enough times.  i cannot say this loudly enough.

merlin, at the beginning of this show, has only ever had ONE FRIEND.

most of us can’t even imagine something like that.  

but try.  TRY.  

merlin has only ever had one friend.  he’s only ever had one friend to love him.  he only had one friend for the first two decades of his life.  he’s only been in camelot for a couple of months; he’s only known these camelot people for a couple of months, and they don’t know his real self anyhow.  and now his ONLY FRIEND, the person he’s known all his life, the only friend he ever had who knew him for who he truly was, was just violently cut down before his very eyes, whilst saving a guy who can legally have merlin murdered for just existing.  and even though merlin and will spend the entirety of 1.10 having a painful, complicated argument, will still uses his last moments on earth to tell the biggest fucking whopper of his life, in order to shield merlin from harm, taking all of the danger and infamy and condemnation upon himself.  he dies with a lie on his lips.  he dies with merlin’s hand in his hair.  

and all the while, merlin knows that this would not have happened if he had just been willing to use his magic in the first place, instead of letting his fear of discovery prompt him into allowing his neighbors to offer themselves up for the slaughter in his place.

the avalanching double-whammy of grief and guilt that merlin is suddenly slammed with at the end of this episode is almost incomprehensible in scale.

i’ve talked about this before, but again, i think it’s something we don’t generally remember: losing will is the first time merlin has ever experienced personal bereavement.  and he doesn’t get to start out with a warm-up; he goes straight to the big leagues.  this is not some trifling thing.  this is a total implosion of merlin’s world as he knows it.  

when we think about the mark this episode leaves on merlin’s life, i don’t think most of us consider the magnitude of this event deeply enough.  losing will in this way is not some one-off thing that merlin just...gets over.  this is the most earth-shattering thing that has ever happened to him, at this point in time.  it is still one of the worst things that has ever happened to him, period, even years later.  the guilt never goes away.  

and the thing that’s unique about this particular trauma is that merlin has to manage it alone.  there are other tragedies in his life where we witness him receiving support/comfort from others - freya, lancelot, balinor (though of course there are aspects to these miseries that merlin has to keep secret from other people, as well) - but with will, merlin has to do everything on his own.  he can’t get one single moment of peace at will’s funeral.  his own mother, the only person who knows what really happened, can’t help him without making everything about arthur.  and merlin can’t tell anyone else what happened, not the truth of it, because doing so would squander the gift he’s been given - will’s lie is still protecting him, years later, from arthur and morgana both.  

merlin, at the end of 1.10, is forced to navigate this grief completely alone, in the silent secrecy of his own heart.  arthur is actively making it worse.  hunith is out here singing arthur’s praises.  and will is just like - he’s suddenly not part of the conversation anymore.  he doesn’t even register on anyone’s radar.

it truly is...incredible, for me, to watch hunith overhear arthur being legitimately terrible to both merlin and the guy who just died saving merlin AND arthur’s lives, and then to see her come over and start talking about how merlin belongs at arthur’s side, how much merlin needs to be there for him, how they’re two sides of the same coin.  meanwhile, the guy who literally just lied his life away to protect merlin’s secret and who NEVER made merlin feel like he had to hide who he was and who never had any problem with magic in the first place and never made merlin feel unsafe and never treated merlin like he was less of a human being just for existing -

- he’s just burning to ash there, and hunith doesn’t even acknowledge that, despite the fact that merlin is so visibly, intently, single-mindedly focused on that funeral pyre, and so clearly in distress and in pain and NEEDING somebody.  all she can talk about is merlin’s responsibility to arthur.  

the dissonance here is baffling.  hunith has known will forever.  she met arthur less than a week ago.  she barely knows him, and what she does know is that he thinks magic-users are dangerous/evil.  she saw him being a dick to her kid.  she knows her son is having the worst day of his life.  and she still doesn’t offer a single comforting word in reference to the person who just died protecting merlin’s secret, instead choosing to wax poetic about a man whose bigotry is what merlin needed protecting from in the first place.

that...is a hot mess.  the merlin-hunith-will dynamic is one of the few things in this show that reflects less-than-stellarly on hunith’s character, however much i love her.  and even though it all stems from an overwhelming desire to keep her son safe, it doesn’t make her choices any less damaging.  she sends merlin away specifically because she finds out that will knows about his secret.  she spends 1.10 analyzing and encouraging and dissecting merlin’s relationship with arthur, when merlin’s relationship with will is the one that desperately needs attention.  she’s proven wrong about will’s trustworthiness in the most stunning, powerful way possible, and then she never even acknowledges him, instead choosing to laud the dude who literally forces merlin to live in fear of execution.

she’s merlin’s mother.  she’s the only person in his life who knows anything about what will actually meant to him.  she is his only possible resource as he tries to weather a kind of devastation that defies description.  

and she, like arthur, just barrels right on ahead and makes everything about someone else.

the cinematography choices in this scene matter.  whenever arthur or hunith tries to talk to merlin, the camera is placed on the opposite side of the fire from them, meaning the flames are always in the foreground of the frame.  they are something we are required to see and look past before we can get to anything else in the scene.  and in terms of directorial/acting decisions - merlin doesn’t take his eyes off the pyre until the end of his conversation with hunith.  not once while talking to arthur does he look away from it.

the funeral pyre is always in the foreground of the shot, because it’s in the forefront of merlin’s mind.  that is where his focus is right now.  that is what is taking up all of his attention.  that is what is edging into the frame, eating up our entire field of view.  that is what he needs help with.

but he doesn’t get any such support.  the entire sequence ends up revolving around arthur.  will’s entire funeral is about arthur fucking pendragon.  arthur inserts himself so he can talk to merlin about how evil magic is, and then hunith inserts herself so she can talk to merlin about how great arthur is.  nobody ever stops to think that maybe merlin doesn’t want to talk to anybody right this second.  merlin’s entire ‘farewell’ to the only true friend he ever had in his life is completely swallowed up by the prince of camelot, and if that isn’t a metaphor for the rest of merlin’s life, then i don’t know what is.  

i know nobody needs to hear this, because very few people are invested in this kid at the same level of embarrassing detail as me, but here it is, anyway.  

yes, will is prickly.  he’s hard to get on with.  he’s angry.  he’s bitter and snappy and uncharitable, sometimes.

but you know what?  he has every reason to be like that.  

this kid has nobody.  his own best friend’s mother - who has known him all his life - doesn’t trust him and doesn’t respect him.  she is too afraid for her own son’s safety to give will any credit.  she sends merlin away to camelot, the most violently anti-magic place in the world, because apparently, will knowing about merlin’s secret would be even more dangerous than uther pendragon’s genocidal reign.

think about how that would feel.  to hear something like that about yourself.  to be somebody who is already so goddamn alone in the world, and to have your only friend vanish without so much as a ‘see you later,’ and then to be made to feel, however indirectly, like this is somehow your fault, like you’re the liability, like you’re the untrustworthy element here.  as if you, somehow, are more dangerous than a king who literally pays to have sorcerers trafficked to him in cages.

will has every right to be upset, all the time.  he has every reason to be angry, and bitter, and hurt, all the time.  to be thought so poorly of - to be held in such low esteem - when he hasn’t done anything wrong, when he hasn’t ever done anything to earn that kind of mistrust - and to have that same misplaced suspicion used to justify separating him from the only person in the world who gives a damn about him - if it were me, i would be constantly on the verge of screaming, all the time.

will has always been on merlin’s side, and he has never done anything to endanger him, and in the end he gives up everything to make sure merlin can stay safe and hidden and unhunted.  he shouldn’t have needed to prove his goodness, his constancy, his worth; not when he’s already kept merlin’s secret for who knows how many years, but even after he does do so, it doesn’t even matter.  arthur acknowledges him only to disparage sorcery.  hunith passes him over completely in favor of praising arthur, with no acknowledgment of the misjudgment she made.

i have said before that merlin tends to befriend people who have nobody, people who’ve been left behind by the rest of the world, people who’ve been made to feel that they aren’t worthy of love.  and will, merlin’s oldest friend, was the first of those many characters, and it is so heartbreaking to me that in this instance, the same kind of disinterested and careless attitude towards his worth that dogged him all his life is perpetuated and affirmed after his death.  ‘people are used to ignoring him,’ merlin tells arthur, and merlin is right - even when will is dead and burning, arthur only sees sorcery.  hunith, who we would expect to be more sympathetic, only sees arthur.

merlin is the only one who knows better.  merlin has always known better, and he loves will so much, but he is the only one, apparently, and honestly, after will dies?  nobody else even tries to understand.

to sum up:

hunith and arthur, for all that i love them, are both way out of line at the end of this episode.  

the legacy of this experience, for merlin, is that he spends the rest of his life processing this particular trauma alone.  and that is why i always, always have to keep will and ealdor in the back of my mind when i write for merlin in any capacity - because this event isn’t some simple stumbling block for him; it changes him forever.  it teaches him what he can and can’t expect from the people around him, and it solidifies how irrelevant his own needs are when viewed in comparison with arthur’s, even to people who barely even KNOW arthur; people who are supposed to put merlin first over everything.  it teaches merlin to bury his sorrow, and to wrestle with personal suffering in secret, because if things aren’t ultimately about arthur, then they aren’t important enough to be granted any significant amount of time for merlin to deal with.  merlin’s own grief, even at his best friend’s funeral, takes too long to resolve.  arthur walks away from the pyre, and it’s time for merlin to leave, too.  you’d better be going.

bottom line: i don’t care if other people think this whole ‘ooo, everybody wants merlin to be with arthur’ thing is wonderful or beautiful or dreamily romantic.  it isn’t.  it’s ugly, and it’s cruel, and it stripped merlin of his present identity and his future potential, one stolen moment at a time.

#and that's what i have to say about that #so. #in case you all weren't already aware #will is a goddamn hero #and merlin misses him every day #the once and future slowburn #meta #no kings no masters

[grittyreadsfic]

What’s your fic finding approach? Do you just read the entire hrpf fic tag on ao3 as it gets updated? or is it something else?

at this point it's a lot of just skimming the tag daily (or, well, it's been every few days more recently just as a combo of there being less fic over all and a higher percentage of things that i personally don't read) with about half a dozen things filtered out between ships, characters, and tags

lately i've had open a hrpf tag a bit more heavily filtered that i've been deep diving in from like. oldest to newest? so i'm in like. 2014 rn in that, though i've added word count filters to that despite knowing that there's a lot of spectacular fic out there that's under 4k

but honestly i did a lot of deep diving into tags when i first started reading hrpf (which is kinda what i do with any fandom, i find tropes or pairings i like and deep dive. for hrpf it was kid fic and not a hockey player and zach/willy, but also my standards for any new fandom that are usually identity porn, online dating/dating app related tags, meetcutes, and coffee shop aus) and then just. go from there.

I remember for hrpf specifically i was noticing authors i tended to like (this was pre tracking so that was actually kinda new for me) and i'd read their body of work and then look their bookmarks. i actually found one of my all time favorite fics (the ej/dstrome sugar baby fic) from looking at the gift fics for an author who i literally spent a weekend reading through their entire body of work and was desperate to keep the vibe alive

(checking out the works of the authors of your favorite fics is actually the best and checking their bookmarks is the best and again also gift fics like wow it's such a fun like mish mash and i'll sometimes find gems from other fandoms too)

some ship tags i've been through in their entirety? like i went through the tknp tag fully twice when it was under 300 fics and then kept up with the hrpf tag daily when it was at around 500, so there's very few fics for them that i haven't read that i'd be into. zachwilly i go through once or twice a year. same with mattdrai. i've read through probably all of grilled cheesby, mcstrome, and a couple of others

i've also deep dived into specific players like for a hot minute when i was just craving some good mtkachuk content i just went to his parent tag and looked through literally every sub tag it had for a ship to find things

i think it's also important to note that since i started this blog 18ish months ago i've read under 500k of hrpf fic in a month once, and usually it ranged in the 750k-1.5mil range (it's been a lil less this year because i deeply fixated on 911 and DC at various points so it's been more keeping up and less deep diving)

i also read my friends fics, fics from anyone who follows this blog if i spot it and it doesn't have any of my hard nos, recs from here and recs from friends

anyway i think the answer to this is that i don't know how to like this a normal way and fic has historically been my like. Thing ™

#this is a lot more than you asked for but uh i like to talk about this lmao #my approach to like finding fic is a finally honed system #except its based off vibes and level of whatever demon has possessed me that month #gritposting

[tonystarktogo]

Are you alive? a friend who’s known me since high school texted me a week ago. It was a fair question.

The last two-three months I’d gradually stopped using various social media platforms and messenger apps -- which is actually kind of impressive when you consider that being active on social media is part of my job but turns out if you try hard enough you really can accomplish surprising things. I’d stopped replying to texts and keeping track of group chats. I’d fallen out of communication with everyone I didn’t interact with at work or at home and since I work from home currently that’s very short list.

It wasn’t a deliberate move on my part. I hadn’t decided to stop being on social media or Whatsapp or any other messenger service. I hadn’t even consciously thought about what I was doing.

All that really registered on my end was that work was a hell of a lot stressful and that the thought of opening one of those apps, of having to reply to messages and keep up with everything happening in my social circles was exhausting and I lacked both the time and more importantly the energy for it.

And the very much not funny part? When my friend texted me, when I realized that I’d been gone for months at this point and that my friends, hell, even my sports instructor had noticed, that they were getting concerned over my radio silence -- that didn’t make me feel good or valued.

It made me feel guilty for putting them through that. It made the thought of having to open those apps, of having to reply to all those ‘Are you alright?’ messages even harder and all the more terrifying.

[continues under the cut]

I ended up drawing my “return” out for another week before I finally gathered up the courage to just get it over with. So I did. I wrote all those awkward messages about what was going on in my life and how I just felt exhausted all the time and wasn’t in the mental state to be on these various apps and I apologized for dropping out of contact and worrying them. And to be honest the response was amazing. My friends were understanding and encouraging, one assured me that if she’d been seriously worried she would have texted or called, three others told me to take all the time off whichever media I needed to take care of myself.

And it made me realize a couple of things:

1. This whole idea that we always have to respond to a message immediately, that we can’t put it aside when it’s not actually that important (no matter how hilarious the GIF may be) that because being “online” means being able to reach people all over the world at all times doesn’t mean we have to be present 24/7. In fact holding ourselves to that standard can be incredibly harmful because as much as I love the online communities and everything these platforms and services enable us to do -- it’s just not realistic for them to be our only or even our top priority all the time.

And it’s so easy to build up this idea in your head of all those expectations other people have and how you’re disappointing and failing them but just because that’s what my fears and my bad conscience is telling me doesn’t make it true. And it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to slip or to make a mistake, it doesn’t mean others aren’t going to understand once I explain it to them.

2. I want to create better habits for how I use these communication tools and apps. Not because I have to or because I owe it to anyone but because my current habits make me feel guilty and bad about myself and I don’t want that. I want to feel confident in how I spend my time and navigate the different aspects of my life and online platforms are a part of it.

Right now there are a lot of outside factors that I only have limited control over that influence how much free time I have and where I spend it. So since I can’t realistically make plan for when I will use which platforms at the moment, I’ve decided instead to improve my communication. When it gets to much, when I have to pull back to take care of myself and just cannot be on any of these services and platforms, I want my friends to know that so they don’t worry and know through which channels they should contact me if they really need to. 

I’m not expecting a miracle here, but I’m working on it and I hope it will pay off the next time I pull a full on social-anythings black-out. Because there will be a next time.

3. Having these awkward but very necessary conversations in my offline life made me realize that it’s been even longer (far longer actually) since I’ve been active here on Tumblr. So, while it’s already been over half a year or something and I’m not even sure if anyone reads these updates anymore, for anyone who is interested or concerned, I wanted to let you know where I’m currently at and what you can expect from this blog (and my other blogs on this site) in the nearby future.

Here it goes: Fandom is an important part of my life. This -- and my continuous love for Tony Stark -- is why I continue to come back to this blog at random intervals.

During the last year of my life I’ve written a master thesis, which was then followed by starting to work full-time. The sad truth is, I currently don’t have the time I used to have to invest into this blog and I have huge respect for all the other amazing people in this fandom who have a better work/life/fandom balance than I do.

I miss this platform -- okay, no, I mostly miss the wonderful people and the great interactions I’ve had with so many individuals on here. I miss it a lot. Which is why I’m going through something of a “trial run” in the coming month.

In March 2021, I’m going to work less hours and thus have more time to be social (while maintaining a cool, physical distance, #thanksCovid19) and more importantly creative. Which is what I’m going to be this March. I can’t tell you yet what this will mean for this blog.

As of today (28th of February) I’m not sure if MCU can be my main focus since I’m planning to finally finish my KHR project and hopefully continue my GoT/HP crossover and one SNP fic as well. But I don’t want to stress out about that right now. This weekend was the first weekend I got into writing again since early January and I’m planning to enjoy it.

So I’m planning to be more active again here during March and see what kind of pace and content I can reasonably manage and feel inspired to create. At the end of the month, I’m going to give you all another update (what can I say, I just love updates) and decide where to go from there.

This has been one hell of a ramble post so kudos to anyone who made it to the very end of it. I hope you are doing well, I hope we’ll continue to see each other on this blog in the coming weeks and I hope if there’s anything you take away from this post it is this: 

You are not obligated to be available 24/7 on any site or platform you use. Please take care of yourself and put your mental health first and the social convention of replying to a message second. (And maybe let them know that you’re doing alright or that you’re not doing alright once you are ready and in the right mindset for it, but that’s a bonus question, not a mandatory duty.)

#ReRe rambles #like holy shit do i ramble #blog update #blog news #if you're wondering where this blog is going 1) you might want to read under the cut to 2) realize i have no idea either #social media #messenger services #work life fandom balance #or imbalance as the case may be #personal #really just me ranting at my own inability to handle responding to messages #being available is hard #being grown up is hard #i want a fucking refund #the bold message at the end is really just me screaming at myself so that my stupid brain finally gets the message gdi

[soukoku-rivals]

Author's Note

There are so many things I would love to tell you! But, I decided to keep it short and simple. After all, Rivals is a comic, you're not here to read blocks of text.

I will address what are, in my opinion, most important issues.

1. Why is Fyodor actually alive after chapter 9?

Well, we had an 'in comic' explanation - Chuuya wants to believe Fyodor has some feelings for him after Fyodor intentionally missed all of his vital organs when stabbing him. Dazai tries to be a better person so he cannot simply kill someone who is already tied and defenseless, no matter how much he hates him.

Real life explanation - it was the best choice for the continuity. Rivals is very much an AU when it comes to Chuuya's past and quite possibly Dazai's past [I honestly know nothing about Dazai's past before 15. There might be something mentioned in Stormbringer but I avoid spoilers until we get official English translation]. However, it still takes place after season 2 of the anime and the Dead Apple movie. Which means season 3 comes after.

Basically, if you ignore the 15 episodes, you can imagine season 3 continues after Rivals and Dazai and Chuuya are somewhat dating at that point, which is also why Ranpo found it so easy to outsmart Chuuya. And then, all the events in the anime/canon slowly lead to them finding the Book and the Epilogue.

I know, you have to stretch your imagination a little to make that work, but honestly, it's fun to imagine Soukoku dating while all that stuff is going on.

Obviously, none of that could happen if Fyodor dies, so here you go!

2. Does Chuuya actually have feelings for Fyodor?

Short answer - yes. And it's not only because the author ships Fyoya. [I ship almost all Chuuya/X pairings, most notably Chuuya/Sigma, deal with it.]

As explained in the comic, Fyodor was there when Chuuya had nobody and nothing after he lost his memories. He told Chuuya they were partners and lovers, and Chuuya was his most loyal man. Obviously, that would influence Chuuya's opinion.

We, as readers, outside observers, didn't realle get to see much of their interactions [I couldn't make the chapters that long] but we did see that Fyodor is a manipulative bastard. But it wouldn't fully work if he wasn't gentle at times. As manipulative as Fyodor was, he has also shown compassion and care towards Chuuya in his state. That purposefully missed stabbing at the end only confirmed to Chuuya that Fyodor doesn't actually want him dead. Maybe he wants to hurt him to push him away, like Dazai did all those years ago? To protect him. To make sure the Mafia and Dazai know they aren't working together.

How can Chuuya not appreciate that? After all there was only one person before who hurt him not to actually hurt him but for his protection.

So yeah, Chuuya believes Fyodor has some feelings for him, he believes there might be a good person hiding in the rat, just like there was a good person hiding in Dazai. Dazai and Fyodor were too similar at one point for Chuuya not to develop any feelings for him.

I'm not saying it's healthy or logical. I'm saying this is how it happened.

3. Does Fyodor have feelings for Chuuya?

Short answer - also, surprisingly, yes! I mean, how can you not love Chuuya?

I couldn't really show it clearly in the comic. We already had so many characters and Fyodor/Fyoya weren't the focal point so I couldn't dive to deep. However, here is what I can say now.

At the start, obviously, Fyodor saw Chuuya only as a tool. Chuuya was a powerful weapon, with a powerful ability and most importantly, he served as a great distraction for Dazai.

Fyodor, however, made a mistake when he convinced Chuuya they were lovers. Because that meant he had to spend more time with him than originally planned. And as much as Fyodor hates abilities and believes they are a sin, he could not not notice all Chuuya's good qualities. Even rushing that mission to destroy some building, when he knew it was possible Chuuya wouldn't survive, was mostly because Fyodor wanted to push him away. And to push his feelings away. He knew he was growing fond of Chuuya and if he didn't stop that soon, he might grow some conscience.

Unfortunately for him, it was too late. And thus, we go back again to the train station stabbing. For all intents and purposes, the most beneficial thing for Fyodor to do was to kill Chuuya right there and there. With Chuuya dead he would have been able to leave with Atsushi, find the Book and leave Dazai broken after his love's death and Mafia without its most powerful weapon.

Fyodor just couldn't bring himself to do that.

4. Extra - unused sequel idea.

This has nothing to do with any unexplained plot points but, yeah, there was a sequel idea. A few actually. But let's go with the one that has most sense.

At the train station, after Soukoku leave, only Atsushi stays there to keep an eye on Fyodor while Loki searcher through his memories for the Book.

Unbeknownst to Atsushi, while Locke goes through Fyodor's memories, he finds something very interesting. A memory of Fyodor who looks like he's talking to his mirror reflection but his words are directed at Loki. And with a smile on his face, Fyodor informs Loki that the Book can change reality, he can destroy people and give them life. There is already a person created by the Book. From nothing! So, it is not entirely unbelievable to assume that it could bring somebody to life. Like, let's say, a certain red headed girl.

If Loki helps Fyodor escape, he will be able to bring Hela back to life.

Locke loves his daughter very much, so obviously, he agrees. And instead of lead to season 3 when Fyodor escapes, he get an Agency/Mafia vs Fyodor/Locke story.

This is not happening but it was a nice idea.

And this time, this is really it! There is nothing more left for me to say, Rivals is done!

Thank you so much for reading it, some of you were here for years, some joined only a few month ago, some will find this story in the future, but I thank you all the same! I would have never gotten this far without you. You are all very precious to me. I hope to see you soon, when @kkfil-soukoku starts updating.

And now, for a couple of unrelated announcements:

Merch design is going great. I have all die cut stickers and the second charm already finished, and most of them is already published on Kofi for supporters. Also, the Rivals sticker page is all drafted. Support me on Kofi to view them all and to get an extra sticker with your order: https://ko-fi.com/hayatepl

After Kiss Kiss Fall in <Love3 comic is done, I will be working on an original idea, to be published on Webtoons/Tapas. It's going to be a supernatural adventure story featuring a witch, a warrior and a dragon, set in modern times. For more info when that happens, follow me on @hayateart and @sylvankaart

I also started using twitter again: https://twitter.com/SylvankaArt

And instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sylvankaart/ [Yes, it's all SylvankaArt, I thought it would make it easier to remember. As for tumblr HayateArt blog will remain my fanblog for fanart but all original posts will be published on SylvankaArt.]

#bsd #rivals #soukoku #update #chuuya #dazai