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mitsurichan3 · 6 months

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Yknow its crazy its been a year since the fall out. Im definitely doing a little better in some ways, and worse in others.

Im okay but it could be better. TLDR im finding that i am in a little bit of a rut and i am struggling to find a sense of direction in my personal life now that im 25.

Day job, career, art woes, social life, financies and priorities are all confusing rn lol but im managing somehow. Specifics below.

If you decided you wanted specifics here you go.

Work started rough this school season. The schedule is a fucking mess. Two districts are struggling and are hot messes. New part timer joined the fray in the middle of all of this so its training a person ontop of the already chaotic mayhem.

The friend fall out with that bitch still has me... frustrated. Some days i can go about my day without blinking an eye, some days i still go through anger and frustration and bitterness and feeling disgusted with myself that i gave so much to this person only to be thrown under the bus on a public timeline where she twisted the fucking narrative to be in her favor when it actually didnt happen that way. Her name sickens me. Everything that is associated with her is tainted and i cant enjoy shit like i used to because how deep the betrayal goes down to my core. Fuck you, i hope you actually have the worse kind of miserable life she can actually live.

Ontop of this i feel... inadequate. I feel like I am doing too much at once, and nothing at all at the same time. Yes my life has gotten quieter and i have room now to do things i have always wanted to do, but now that i have that wiggle room, things feel far more isolating than before. I feel alone. I do a lot of stuff, now, alone. It gets lonely. I do go out with friends ocassionally, but its not the same. I dont feel that sense of direction that helps with calming my anxiety down. I have always known i was an anxious person but having a sense of direction and of moving forward has always kept me calm. Not anymore.

I dont check tumblr as often as I would like in the past but I also am using it more purposefully filthy but it helps some nights though i have consistently gotten a bit of love here too. An old pokemon piece gets a like every now and then. It brings me a little bit of hope knowing people do go through the tag and DIG EXTENSIVELY for things.

Im frustrated that I am not moving forward in my art making career and artist era. I am mostly putting my efforts and energy in maintaining my day job bc its a realiable source of income and it saddens me to know it is coming to that point in my life where safety is better than taking risks and not following my dreams. My supervisor is aware that i am looking for ways to grow professionally in a more creative environment but i dont know... unless I can get the ppl on the internet to help support my artistic endevors i dont think it would be a good move to quit the museum when I still have car loans to pay. ugh priorities.

I do want to post more consistently and show more of my art. Recently i went to an art sale hosted by my university and to tell yall the truth It was such a flop it hurt. Not because we didn't sell, but because the other artist vending got soooo many compliments on her artwork while my ceramics were just catching dust. People werent.. gravitating towards it. And it hurts. I poured my heart and soul making those pieces but I guess it serves me for not putting in MORE effort into making better art. Ughhh.

The idea of going back to school for a master's degree is.. exciting but I am not sure if that is the path i want to go down. I just want to live happy in a comfortable life doing what i love aka making art. And dont get me wrong i have ideas its just!... sigh, energy. Time. Effort. Most importantly comfort .

I am trying to rethink ways of diversifying my income venues and put 250% more effort into the platforms and venues inrl and online that are producing a bit of money for me. I want to make prints. I want to make stickers. I want to make paintings. I want to stream more often and stick to a consistent schedule. I want to earn a living making things I love. I dont want to be stuck in corporate all my life. I want to MAKe!!!

Sigh.

#personal #status update #updates

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winderlylandchime · 5 months

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1/2 and we are now at 5x11 and he is so fucking happy because Brian said i love you and they are back together. He’s smiling so big its actually hilarious.

And the scene opens with Brian at church ‘what the fuck is going on? WHO FUCKING DIED?! DID THEY KILL MIKE? I mean he was an annoying little shit but that’s a bit much. WHY IS BRIAN IN A COFFIN?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS- oh thank fuck its a dream. A horrible one at that.’ ‘Has Brian not been home to shower, fucking hell, i feel so fucking bad for him. Ted is fully in survival mode huh?’ ‘Blondie is at the hospital! Wheres Brian! I need the happy couple back on the screen. Fucking hell Emy is scared now. Okay so Mike is alive and well, good. Now back to Brian and Justin’ And we are at the scene with Brian and Cynthia now ‘i fucking love these two. Look how he cares for everyone. He has a big fucking heart and it pisses me off that people pretend he doesn’t.’ And WE ARE AT THE FIRST PROPOSAL SCENE!!! *said with huge excitement and then it died down* ‘BRIAN AND JUSTIN AT HIS umm place…i love when they mock each other. Ahhh young LOVE. Country manor? Since when has that been a dream? I love seeing Brian around Justin when he works. I have no clue why but I do.’ Brian asks if he heard what he said to him last night ‘yes, i did Brian! Over the sound of my own tears but i heard it! *he paused it RIGHT BEFORE THE PROPOSAL AND I WANTED TO SCREAM* why the fuck is blondie being dismissive..bro that’s not what i wrote in the script inside my little brain *plays ep and Brian propose* um W- WHAT. *he moves forward while sitting as if he heard wrong and then pauses it when Brian talks about his dream* i hate *waves his cast to the tv and scoffs* but i also hate how everyone keeps doubting his change. Like bro let that man change. But also huh *plays ep* NOT WITHOUT HIM! So wait, hold the fuck up. Brian says he loves him. And they kiss. And he..*scoffs again* proposes. And then Blondie just says thanks and thats it? So THEYRE NOT TOGETHER?’ And we are with Ted and Brian at the club ‘i actually get why he doesn’t wanna reopen the club again. It is kinda weird in a way..i dont know. Oh Ted is not in a good shape. Whats going on with everyone’ We are now at the scene with Mel, Linds and Justin and mel says its good they realized what they had before its too late ‘PLEASE TELL ME THAT THIS MAKES BLONDIE RETHINK SOME STUFF…i still hate the..you know what? Im gonna be quiet and not judge. Just go back to Brian’ and we are at the scene with Jen and Brian ‘JEN AND BRIAN!! MY FAVORITE PEOPLE! FINALLY! (She says the judy line) i fucking love this woman! And look so does Brian! They shouldve had more scenes together, this wouldve been amazing (jen says he wants to sell the loft) WHAT?! Why? So not panic then why the fuck is he selling? What is happening? (Brian tells about the proposal) oh my god. HE TOLD HER? Holy fucking shit. *starts laughing cause jen offers pills* i love her but im sure he has some stronger shit in his drawer. OF COURSE SHES SORRY HES NOT HER SON IN LAW! This is the mother he shouldve had. Remember their first scene? I love them’ The scene with Brian and Ben happens ‘man fuck every single one of those protestors. Go to hell. BEAT HIS ASS BEN! I cannot believe that Brian is the collected and calm one. My boy is growing.’ ‘Ah fuck thats why Ted is acting this way. Poor fucking guy. But thats not your fault, man. Hate to say it Teddy but the dude is right, youre not god..that dude sucks’ Brian says he calls him Zen Ben ‘i call you boring. Once again Brian is better than me. It’s still fuck Mike tho *looks at me* what? i can say it now, he’s alive’ Mel and Linds talk about Canada ‘what the fuck is she on? Does she think that this type of shit won’t happen anywhere else?’ And we are at the second proposal now: ‘where the fuck are they going? I hate this car. (It shows the house and he is suspicious and brian says ‘we do’) WE? since when do we speak French? Fuck is he talking about we? THATS WHY HE SOLD THE LOFT?! Wait he bought this for Justin?’ *he pauses tv and stares at me and then just goes back to watching*

Country manor? Since when has that been a dream? RIGHT!?! What is up with Justin this fucking season? Since when does he want to live in the middle of nowhere and be married with children? SINCE WHEN? (And also Brian told him since Day 1 that was never going to happen)

I love seeing Brian around Justin when he works. I have no clue why but I do. YES (also this inspires me for my fic ;) )

Brian asks if he heard what he said to him last night ‘yes, i did Brian! Over the sound of my own tears but i heard it! THE I LOVE YOU HEARD ROUND THE WORLD

i hate *waves his cast to the tv and scoffs* but i also hate how everyone keeps doubting his change. <- Yes on both counts. Like everyone doubts his change so he reverts to what he’s always been and then everyone says “see, it wasn’t real.” But also WTF is this sudden focus on marriage? I hate it. It makes no sense. Leave Ben and Mikey to be the happy married boring couple and let Brian and Justin stay themselves.

This Brian and Jen scene is one of my all time favorites. The two of them have come so far. And Jen is the mother Brian deserves.

Okay… onto the proposal (worst idea ever, fuck you forever writers)

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

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smol-tired-binch-blog · 1 year

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Hello :) Welcome back to another episode of Smol Copy-Pastes A Ramble/Rant From Discord And Calls It A Tumblr Post. This week, we’ll be looking at one of my Crying Over Nishiki sessions which ALSO became a full on rant against Kazama! Whoo! Here we go, gonna be another ‘read more’ cause a) spoilers, and b) reeeeally long unhinged ranting about fictional men :D

“LOOK I COULDVE FIXED HIM, EVEN AFTER HE SLAPPED REINA, I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE 'LISTEN BBY I LOVE U IM HERE FOR U BUT GET YOUR ASS BACK OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND APOLOGISE TO REINA!!!!!'

BUT NOOOOOO EVERYONE JUST HAD TO DECIDE TO BE A HUGE BITCH TO HIM AND BECAUSE THE DUMBASS LASHED OUT AT ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE HE HAD LEFT AND PROBABLY FELT LIKE HE COULDNT GO BACK AND APOLOGISE CAUSE I THINK HIS SELF ESTEEM IS ALREADY LOW ENOUGH BY THEN TO NOT EVEN THINK HE DESERVES HER FORGIVENESS AND THEN YUKO FUCKING DIES BECAUSE KAZAMA IS A FUCKING SHIT DAD AND EVERYONE IS A DICK TO HIM UNPROMPTED AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

point is i want to rip Kazama's spine out with my bare hands

hate how the game acts like he's so cool and good when he's really not he failed his kids so so badly ACTUALLY NO THEYRE NOT HIS KIDS HE'S THE ENTIRE REASON THEYRE ORPHANS”

(at this point I moved to the spoilers channel to continue my Unending Kazama Hatred)

OKAY SO TIME TO SCREAM ABOUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER KAZAMA AND HOW THE GAME SUCKS HIS DICK do you have ANY idea how much i hated when they go to Tojo HQ so Tachibana can pay em to leave his sugar baby alone and the old fucker who weve never seen before is like 'u know i'd have paid a billion yen for Kazama when he was ur age. are u worth that much? are u as good as him?' LISTEN HERE CUNT HE IS A BETTER MAN THAN KAZAMA EVER WAS AND EVER WILL BE!!!!!!!

WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHIN SEEING AS HE'S REALLY ANNOYING IN THIS GAME like okay i get it Kazama is a yakuza and ex-hitman i EXPECT him to have done bad shit and it's very nice he set up the orphanage n all but it also isnt cause like bro you murdered these kids parents!!! and idk anythin about their life in the orphanage i'll admit but as an active yakuza i cannot imagine him being the most hands-on, tender, loving parent ever, yknow? ALSO ALSO like i know he tried to stop Kiryu and Nishiki becomin yakuza im just saying YA COULDVE TRIED HARDER MATE!!!! THEY WERE SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, THEY WERE CHILDREN FOR GOD'S SAKE. KIRYU WAS LIKE 'WHY WONT U LET US BE LIKE U YOURE A YAKUZA U GET A COOL CAR AND PEOPLE RESPECT U LET US TRY AND HAVE THAT' YOURE LETTING HIM SELL HIS SOUL TO A LIFE OF CRIME BECAUSE HE WANTS A FUCKING CAR?????? I DONT CARE HOW STRONG THEY WERE IN THAT FIGHT YA FUCKIN SIT THEM DOWN AND GET RID OF THE ILLUSION OF GLAMOUR!!!!! TELL THEM THEYRE WORTH MORE THAN JUST GRUNTS WHO ARE GOOD WITH THEIR FISTS AND NOT MUCH ELSE, ONE FIGHT IN THE RAIN AND YOURE LETTING THEM JOIN, ABSOLUTELY FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH THAT

AND THEN HE'S SHOVING THEM OFF TO ANOTHER FAMILY BECAUSE OF SOME POLITICAL BULLSHIT IDK BUT FINE FAIR ENOUGH YA DONT WANNA PLAY FAVOURITES BUT I FUCKING HATE THIS WHOLE 'OH SEEMS DISTANT AND UNCARING BUT ACTUALLY HE THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING AND HAS THEIR WELLBEING IN MIND' I JUST- JUST FUCK OFF!!!!!!

MAYBE YA SHOULD PLAY FAVOURITES WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHARGES IS DYING VERY QUICKLY AND HER BROTHER HAS NO ONE FOR SUPPORT. INSTEAD OF FUCKIN LETTING THE GUY THEY APPARENTLY SEE AS BIG BROTHER FUCKING REPRIMANDING THE GUY CAUSE HE CANT GET CONTROL OF OR RESPECT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU ASSIGNED HIM AND SEEMINGLY KNEW THEYD BE DIFFICULT!!!!! HOW IS MY BOY MEANT TO ""PROVE HIMSELF"" WHEN HES DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA OF TAKING A LIFE (EVEN IF THE FUCKER HAD IT COMING), THE GUILT OF LETTING HIS BEST FRIEND TAKE THE FALL, AN ACT OF PURE KINDNEES IN CONTRAST TO HIS OWN BRUTAL IRREVERSIBLE ONE, THE STRESS OF TRYING TO SAVE HIS SISTER WHO IS DYING (MAYBE CONTRIBUTE SOME EXTRA CASH KAZAMA??? MAYBE???) AND DEALING THE AFOREMENTIONED DISRESPECTFUL FUCKERS AND LASHING OUT AND HURTING THE ONE PERSON HE HAS LEFT AND BURNING THAT BRIDGE, AND THE GIRL HE KILLED A MAN FOR HAS LOST HER MEMORY AND VANISHED (WHICH YOU HELPED WITH KAZAMA!!! YOU KNEW SHE WAS SAFE!!!!),

AND THEN THE GRIEF OF LOSING HIS SISTER FOR NO. FUCKING. PURPOSE. HE SOLD OUT HIS REMANING MORALS, HIS PRIDE, ANY RESPECT OTHERS MAY HAVE HAD FOR HIM ALL TO SAVE HER AND IT FAILED. HE WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT ALONE. YEAH I'D HAVE FUCKIN TURNED EVIL AS WELL!!!!!!!

im not sayin Nishiki is fully free of blame, obviously, he made his choices, and murdering Reina after using her love for him to further his own ends AND killing Shinji and ALL of the shit he pulls in Kiwami, yeah, completely fucked up, horrible, his choices, he did that shit. im just saying that i dont know, maybe if ya wanted to step in at any point in the last ten fucking years Kazama (preferably before that too), ya couldve and fuckin SHOULDVE”

I’ll be honest with ya lads, I stand by every word of this cfvgbhnjkgvbhnj

#smol speaks #smol plays yakuza #akira nishikiyama #anti shintaro kazama #idk is that a tag? idk if he has fans or not i dont wanna go upsettin people #yakuza spoilers #long post #holy fuck that IS a long post i TOLD yall i went off on one cgfvbhjnkm

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forestryfae · 11 months

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like i LITERALLY JUST want to be able to get rid of the house. i just wanna get rid of it and not have to keep paying for i ad i wanna move somewhere i will actually like living and im not stuck at home unless someone "graciously" drives me, and get a job so i actually have money and can afford to save up money for thing i genuinely want and havent just taught myself to want because its cheap and its decent so i should like it, and to actually have a nice clean tidy house, and a car so i can buy some FUCKING boxes and plasic bags so i can get rid of all the shit i dont want and maybe even just straight up sell or give away the nicer stuff i dont want. like thats it. but i just straight up dont have that option cus i gotta make food for myself so i dont starve and i need to relax too so i dont literally burn myself out and i need to sleep and i have to shower and pee sometimes too like i JUST want to be able to clean the house non-stop for like a week straight. i just wanna put shit in garage bags and throw them out. noones gonna want fucking 1 year old hairdye or unused makeup or three identical mugs or a fuckton of reuseable straws and i dont think i have the patience to sell a bunch of clothes even tho theyre perfectly fine and barely used. unless people come pick up the shit themselves, in which id be more than willing to just give shit away if they did that so i dont have to deal with the fucking transport or shipping.

i just have SO MUCH SHIT and its mostly garbage or shit i dont want or use anymore. or its fucking gifted shit i dont want anymore because frankly, why is my only option to get any furniture always to either buy thrifted shit or be given secondhand shit from my family. its one thing if i want it but they dont even ask or show it to me first and they dont help me when i want something new and actually useful. they just show up and theyve brought me something and we thought maybe youd need it so well just leave it here and you can get rid of it if you dont want it. I PHYSICALLY CANT GET RID OF IT. I DONT HAVE A CAR. and im not throwing perfectly useable but ugly lamps in the regular trash. take it to a fucking thrift store you morons. get rid of some of your shit instead of giving it to me. if you cant manage to get rid of it without giving it to someone so youll know its safe or whatever the fuck then just. dont get rid of it. keep it yourself. dont give shit to me so i can borrow it indefinitely. like i JUST. want MY OWN PLACE. THAT I CAN FEEL OKAY IN. and not feel like its a pissing contest every fucking time someone comes over cus they GOTTA fill my house with shit, they just HAVE TO do shit without even discussing it with me, i literally cant say no i dont want visitors today without them showing up and throwng a bitchfit when theyre not welcome the one day i said i didnt want to see anyone, they dont take a no i dont want help with that as an answer and do it anyways, i cant even buy my own shit cus they take over and do everythig for me.

no fucking independence or control or boundaries or respect or basic fucking decency and absolutely no empathy or compassion at all.

i have to BEG them to come visit me and they still wont do it, but when i go grocery shopping and need a ride i dont get home until after 9pm and more often than not close to 1 am, and the ONE time i explicitly said i didnt want visitors was the one day mom showed up and threw a bitchfit cus i was upset. i told mom i spent literally hours every day crying and feeling anxious and awful and she just ignored it and forgot to call the doctor the one time she offered to do it for me. i dont even get to be a part of renovating the house cus mom and stepdad took over and wont talk to me and spent all the money and wont even talk to me about the money or tell me whats in the bank accounts unless someone else asks on my behalf. noone is willing to teach me to drive even tho mom nagged me when i was 17. i can literally not talk to anyone about my feelings or shit im worried about, i literally only hear about how its my fault somehow, or i get some useless advice that doesnt help cus it doesnt fucking apply, or i get an empty promise that theyll help and then nothing happens and im selfish for asking and nagging them cus they have their own lives and their lives cant revolve around me. which is so fucking ironic cus i dont even get a phonecall once a month to see how im doing or talk about things and i certainly dont get visitors unless its got to do with the house or that one time mom had a day off and apparently that means she can come visit with no heads up just so she can sit there and bitch about my dad or my brother. she doesnt ask how it was like living with them or how i feel about the situation or anything, its all them and their fucking feelings. its never about me and im made to feel stupid and embarrassed and childish and like a fucking moron any time i have emotions they dont want me to have.

and on top of all this i didnt even get talked to as a kid. i was practically useless and just something they leave unattended until they felt like yelling or screaming at me or wanted me to do chores or some other boring fucking activity that i didnt want to do. asking me how my day was or having a conversation or talking to me about something i liked or just regular conversations about stuff? nah fuck that do your homework and also dinner today is a fucking sandwich cus i wanna be in the garage doing my hobby and fixing cars.

and then i come home after having had a really good time at the inpatient unit im at, and its a mess and theres shit in places its not supposed to be and im up to my fucking neck in laundry and dishes and shes done something i didnt want her to do again, and i cant even complain cus i risk not having her help with the shit i actually need help with that i have no option in asking for, like grocery store rides or someone to feed my cats while im away or help renovating the house. i cant even ask for help to buy some fucking boxes or i risk never getting them.

like i JUST want a fucking car and license and i wanna get rid of this house and i want some godd damn boxes. literally the only things i need in life to be happy rn.

#talkie

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w0rmstuff · 2 years

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Dead Gay Wizards // Incorrect Quotes

marauders era characters as things I've said by letting my intrusive or weird thoughts verbalise because I have 0 filter....

ill add to this each time i find myself saying something funny, worrying and unfiltered...

italics mean it's from a friend, teacher or family members, bold means it's me.. just for context..

warnings: swearing, self destructive behaviour, body parts, abuse, trauma, teeth, intrusive thoughts

james: don't lay on the grass! it's wet!

sirius: like your mum *winks*

remus: do you ever think about jumping out the second or third story window because you can't get your life together?

peter: this butter chickpea is schmackin

marlene: does your neighbour ever give you lemons? *pauses for 30 seconds* man im so glad I don't have to sew my vagina shut

lily: how does your vagina relate to your neighbours lemons????

remus: have you ever wondered what it'd be like to shoot yourself, then have to use your fingers to dig the bullet out?

james: uh, no, are you okay?

mcgonagall: just for fun, *looks at the marauders* if you could speak to any animal what would it be?

james: but we're already speaking to you? *immediately regrets it*

barty jr: i can hide a body so no one finds it and will never know what i did

regulus: care to share?

barty jr: no, i don't want you killing me and dumping my body!

sirius: *runs across tables, with peter in his animagus form*

remus: don't trip

james: don't fall

regulus: please fall

marlene: please trip

peter: *drinks tea*

sirius: *says something funny*

peter: *snorts and liquid comes out his nose* why is it spicy

lily: can i sell my uterus on the black market?

marlene: no, throw it at the government

lily: mass attack

sirius: you look like a pear

regulus: you look like a neglected child, oh wait, you are

james: i require stimulation *jumps up on table*

mcgonagall: hop down. that's paperwork

james: *remains on chairs and tables*

dorcas: you'll fall

james: of course i won't *then stumbles off chairs and grabs the air for support* woo, my life flashed before my eyes

remus: maybe listen? to warnings?

marlene: you radiate small dick energy, Sirius will become your step dad if you keep going

sirius: I definitely will

remus: *sees peter flicking a skewer around in his hands* ever wander how much force it'd take to stab a wooden skewer into your forearm?

james: *sees rem pick up a skewer* rEM nO!

marlene: how cool would it be to wear your baby or wisdom teeth as jewellery?

lily: mar, that’s not cool. you’re weird, and making us mildly worried..

marlene: i think it would just be so epic to walk into a class or store with your teeth hanging from your ears or neck.

james: *overs the conversation* just promise you won’t take ours whilst we sleep

muggle studies professor: did you know, the panda is actually useless? it has no significant job in nature...

sirius: is that why you’re a pand- sorry professor

muggle studies professor: *stunned* uh , moving on.

james: just look, it comes out white, see?

sirius: *snorts*

peter: what?

remus: are you aware of what you just said?

james: yeah? it comes out whi- oh.

* riding on the hogwarts express, returning to school*

remus: have you ever just wanted to hang out the side of a car and let your arm drag across the barbed wire fences they use for cows, to see how it would look all shredded and see how long it would take to entirely lose an arm or die??

peter: um. cant say i have.

james: say moony, you feeling alright there, lad?

remus: oh, yeah i’m fine. our minds work in mysterious ways, dont they? *smiles innocently*

james: they say on your knees is the best place to be

sirius: yeah, for sucking dick!

james: i was reading the church sign sirius, i didnt need your input about your time with moony

peter: maybe you could pretend you dont suck??

sirius: please, i do plenty of sucking just for his benefit

remus: no, you suck because your a bottom and like to be used because your parents found you useless.

sirius: *flushes red*

peter: my cue to leave * dragging james with him *

#marauders #hp marauders #marauders era #marauders fandom #marauders incorrect quotes #1970s #dead gay wizards #marlene mckinnon #james potter #lily evans #remus lupin #sirius black #regulus black #barty crouch jr #peter pettigrew #minerva mcgonagall

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gadunkie · 2 years

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Rank the fossil fighters games best to worst?

1. champions 2. original 3. frontier Ill be completely honest, the only things that I ever did as kid was completely ignore all story, all characters, all dialogue, all that kind of shit. when I played these games the only thing I gave a shit about was: -mine fossils -clean fossils -fight the fuck out of vivosaurs and that was it. so from that perspective, the original was decent. some people find it annoying that there was a small cutscene every time you selected a move but I thought it was dope as shit. my 10 year old ass thought it the coolest fucking thing ever seeing these anime dinosaurs just destroy other anime dinosaurs with their teeth and fire breath and whatever. However. I never beat the original game. I got to the underwater section and I was like "you know wat, I dont think I want to play anymore" so I didnt. but when champions came out I was like "mom!!!! I need it!!!!!" and she thought I was full of shit because I never beat the original. but as it turns out, champions is fucking awesome. the battle system was improved, they added like 80 more guys you could collect, they added the miraculous fossil system, they added the big fucking fossils that took like 20 minutes to clean. and the shit they did was very simple where they made just a straight forward dig site progression (story > new dig site > story > new dig site) that was really nice for 11 year old me who didnt read anything. plus they added those crazy as shit attacks that you could only achieve via a specific team build. I loved it so much that Ive beaten it 3 times. so you could imagine my excitement when frontiers came out, 13 year old me was like "ah yes, they never forgot about us fossil fans" but they did because nintendo didnt even make this one. exploring and fossil cleaning was improved (car mechanic was fun to me and you didnt need the skull to revive a vivosaur) but the actual vivosaurs themselves and the battle system got absolutely fucked. they removed like half the vivosaurs from the previous game and you could no longer build your own vivosaur team because of like the buddy system. the main argument Ive heard for frontier is "ok everything sucks but the characters are good!!" but Ill say it, now that Im 20 and have gained reading comprehension, no the fuck theyre not lmao. they got the same level of thought as the previous games characters, but now they look like theyre from a 2011 anime. anyway. fossil fighters is one of those tiny nintendo franchises that were actually really really good, but it didnt sell for shit and that means nintendo is never ever going to give a shit about it ever again. but there is a modern game series that is eerily similar to fossil fighters and that is monster hunter stories. monster hunter stories only got two games but the battle system is almost exactly like fossil fighters. down to the small cutscenes for each move. I really love the shit out of monster hunter stories 2 (it has monsters from mhw, thats why lol) and Ive beaten it only once, but talking about it right now really makes me want to play it again. are its characters and stories good? no. but the animation and gameplay make up for it, and I feel exactly how I felt playing champions for the first time. its dope as shit. anyway uh, if you like frontier or the original more than champions then thats fine I do not care. also I formally apologize for having this url and rarely engaging in fossil fighters content but I also think that is funny.

#long post #I guess

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kendal111 · 2 years

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i cant decide anything.

im completely rekt.

that girl fucked me up so bad.

she completely broke my heart into pieces and spit on me.

fuck man, no wonder im having trouble functioning.

cant decide shit for the life of me.

had a decent chance with my crush-

i completely ruined that by trying too hard. I scared her off, AGAIN.

Why didnt i think this through? It makes complete sense why she was over it. I was over it too, it didnt work. I spent too much money, loved her too much. suffocated her and myself. Now it burst into flames and we dont talk at all.

had a chance to do GT-

backed out twice because of how expensive it is. missed out on being in korea. I could be in korea RIGHT NOW. didnt want to do the year in shanghai. didnt want to pay 15k a semester vs 5k a semester. couldnt take advatage of my tuition waiver.

tried to get a studio in town-

backed out and lost my deposit. was too scared to live in that area. too much in the middle of town. 1300 wasted...

had a chance to get a month to month studio-

wasnt good enough for me. too small. wouldve been the perfect temporary place but it wasnt up to my standards.

had a chance to go to a festival-

didnt want to spend 1700 dollars for a weekend. now im feeling FOMO

i have one more chance at a festival. Day.MVS looks like itll be a lot of fun. Total cost: 1,400. just send it please for the love of god. you can always make money back- once in a lifetime experiences are priceless.

i have one more chance to move

its a really nice place in manoa. its like my dream place. ive always wanted to live in manoa again. its perfect. owner out of state, its pretty much its own little unit. everything included in the 1350, except internet. its on a relatively quiet street in the back of manoa. Nice views. I can be as loud as i want. I can cook, I can do anything without having the anxiety of having to make conversation. or anything. Its such a cute little studio.

all i want is my own place where i can have girls over and not worry.

LOL its will getting my own pad motivate me to talk to girls again?

of course it will. its just what you need to get back on your feet again. you cant rely on your dad for the rest of your life. think about Zoe. she would want you to get the studio. think about your mom, she would say go for it. i would sacrifice and chance to intern out of state next year, but do i even really want to?

I just really want a spot to bring girls over.

this is the perfect spot for that.

just think about it- its what you always dreamed of.

the only thing stopping me is the fact that ill be commited to a year long lease if i do it.

My ex says, if i have an opportunity elsewhere and i cant do it because of a lease i might regret it. but will i really?

i need to think hardcore-

where do i see myself in 5 years?

where do i see myself working?

where do i see myself interning next year?

do i even want to intern out of state?

if i do intern out of state-

id have to sell my car or find a place to store it for 900-1200 dollars.

id have to rent a small storage room for my desktop for 300-400 dollars

who know what would happen with my job.

id have to work around that-

I want to keep it, right? I need this job.

shouldve just stuck to being instate from the begining.

i wouldnt have lost 4000 dollars to enrolling in outreach college.

i wouldnt be so wishy washy about moving. wouldnt have all this anxiety about what ifs and could have beens

shouldnt have lost that 1300 dollar deposit.

the only reason why i figure living somewhere else would be cool is because

my ex suggested i try it

my dad suggests i try it

from the beginning, i never had a desire to live anywhere else but here for the remainder of my education.

why would that change now?

living at my dads is driving me insane.

cant cook,

cant bring girls over comfortably,

cant live,

have to tip toe

make conversation

report to him like a 14 year old.

listen to him rant and complain about everything.

be around his negative vibes

im 32 goodness gracious.

32!!!!!

thats OLD

OLD AS FUCK

YOURE AN ADULT NOW.

PEOPLE YOUR AGE ARE ALREADY MARRIED WITH KIDS AND A WIFE AND OWN A HOUSE.

YOURE HERE, LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS.

PATHETIC, I BET IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER.

IM UNDATEBLE UNTIL I GET MY OWN PLACE.

DONT YOU REALIZE THIS?????

i know im supposed to be living it up right now.

enjoying my youth- being adventurous, exploring new places, traveling.

how can i do any of this when i feel chained to my existence? i feel weighed down by the thought of living with my parents. how am i supposed to invite girls over to my place? how am i supposed to do anything fun in life when i have to report everything to him like a fucken child? I couldve gone to the gorge but i told him about it and he thought it was a dumb idea. so i didnt do it.

its SO limiting living here. I CANT STAND ANOTHER SECOND OF THIS.

although i am saving money. IM ONLY GETTING OLDER EVERYDAY- EVERY SECOND IS A SECOND LOST.

and about that internship out of state?

FORGET IT.

IT MIGHT NOT EVEN HAPPEN.

plus so i even want to intern out of state?

sure i have a strange desire to get off this island and experience something else. like a city or a different country.

but i can always do that later in life!

why do i need to do it next year?

i think i should stay in Hawaii for my education.

intern at a firm on this island.

set my roots, build my foundation.

and take personal trips to travel. nothing about this plan says i cant do that.

you know what fucks me up even more?

the fact that i didnt stick with GT.

couldve gone to Korea.

Could maybe be going to China in Sept.

That was the plan wasnt it????

wtf happend dude

now im here and i aint doing shit.

wtf is this

what if i try and go back to GT

will that solve my life?

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88m33 · 2 years

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today is june 15th

i hate this i hate feeling numb i hate being both the perfect child and the fuck-up at the same time like i do so much for the people i love and the only thing i get in return is everything i do wrong i fantasize about running away from everything ive ever known without leaving a note or telling anybody i think a fresh start would be so nice i don't have to worry about the family members i constantly let down or the classes i struggle through or the people who refuse to talk to me i miss the friends who dont talk to me i want to make friends i don't know how and i have no one to talk to and im so scared of dying alone sometimes i wish someone would see me crying and writing this in my car and ask if im okay im so tired of everyone and everything and i want to sell everything i own and move away where no one knows me and i dont have to take care of anyone and i dont have the sins of being a child tarnishing my adult reputation and evrything is so loud i can feel my skin and i hate it and i want to evaporate and live as a cloud of steam and i wish people cared about me and i wish someone would say dont worry im right here and im not going to leave you and i will love you unconditionally and you are mine and i will be here when ever you need me but i know thats not how life works and humans are flawed creatures who will always have their conditions and at some point they will leave me and thats just the way it goes and im so so tired and i just want to sleep but im too busy doing other peoples jobs and barely surviving and wishing this would all go away and i could be happy for longer than a week before shutting down again and i wish people would stop harrassing me for shutting down because they dont understand and i wish i could tell the people how i really feel because i think they would be surprised because i really try to not seem like my world is constantly ending but it is and i dont know what to do and when i do tell people they tell me to stick it out but im so tired of hating my life and i wish i could be a stupid nineteen-year-old and not the full grown adult thats been stuck in my body since i was a child and i wish i remembered what it was like to be a kid because my first memories were of taking care of everyone but myself but now the only burden in my eyes is me and i wish i could just pawn the responsibility of taking care of myself to someone else because i cant juggle all of these responsibilities and obviously im last on the list and i dont understand how people can mutually love each other like two people have equally strong feelings for each other and they just run with it the only thing ive ever known is constantly fighting for peoples love and i wish someone could just hold me for a second and tell me they love me and would walk the world over for me because i would do that for people im not even that close to and yet very few if any would do that for me and im tired of being me and living in this body and i wish i could live in someone elses body for a day so i could feel what its live to be satisfied and i wish this wasnt something i inherited and something that i could be reassured for but its not and i hate it and i need to sleep im so tired and i hate the expectations ive been held to i want to do those things but i want to know what its like to have friends for once and i want to do stupid shit and enjoy being a kid i dont even know if this is what i want to do with me life or if this is just a way for me to get out and be on my own im so terrified of getting stuck here i will never become my parents who just keep coming back and i think my parents keep making up excuses to stay even though they say they hate it i cant go to certain places in this stupid town without having a panic attack i dont want to be here i want to live alone i want to get my own groceries and go to work and feel comfortable in my own skin and i dont care what i accomplish i just want to be free and in love i want to live and be happy

#i dont even know #im sorry #its been a rough week #mental illness #im tired #personal vent #childhood trauma

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ocean-anchored · 2 years

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Dear Future Self... - June 2, 2022

Wow I honestly don’t even know where these last few months have gone. I literally can’t believe it’s June already. I just posted April’s update as it was sitting in my drafts. I remember writing it and the reason I didn’t post was because I wanted to talk about an update with Nate but it got too late so I just saved it as a draft and never went back. To update on Nate... I think at the time I was still not sure but his birthday had just passed and we had had a really fun weekend celebration but then weeks went on and his busy season mixed with mine. I don’t remember where it even stemmed from but I just started getting frustrated that we talked less and felt like we weren’t connecting anymore. We had a call that felt alright to bring us back and talked about how we felt disconnected but really I think I had disconnected myself by that time that I knew I was just going further away. It didn’t end the best, we were frustrated at each other and both felt each other wasn’t putting any effort in to make anything work or to even conversate. It got to a point of literally texting 4 times a day maybe for weeks, even weekends seemed to come and go and we had nothing so we said it wasn’t working and just stopped talking. I’m not mad. I mean, I feel he was pretty immature about it because there was several remarks leading up that he made of “are you too cool to start a text now” when I didnt text him at 6am on the weekends because I don’t wake up that early and he hadn’t even said goodnight the night before and ignored me which again like whatever Im not being petty but that he made those comments that he was upset I wasn’t texting him first even though he was up before me just felt childish. Then tries to call me out when I tell him how he’s making me feel and he completely disregarded all my feelings and told me he wasn’t taking responsibility for anything so oh well. I’m glad it ended when it did and its okay. We had a fun run and I realized a lot of what I do and don’t want in a relationship. especially how I certainly don’t want someone SO individual that they don’t have the courtesy to hold the door for me. Like he viewed me more as a friend than anything and thats fine because yes I want to be someones best friend but holding hands in public or those little touches or simply holding the door open is a SIMPLE gesture for a man to do, I dont think that’s asking too much. ESPECIALLY considering I was spending $160 ON FUEL alone just to visit for 2.5 days and then on top of that buying half of our meals for the weekend. I spent SO much money just to be constantly going out there, I would tickle his back every single night we went to sleep, I gave him a massage or two every single weekend I was out, like honestly I look back and I think to myself, what did he do for me? Other than cook because I was in his house as a guest which I couldnt say he even did every time it was every once in a while because we mostly ate out every meal, but honestly what did he do for me? So its okay and Im glad I had that trial and run to see what it’s like to “see someone” again. Anyways. Condo stuff is still just as frustrating. Lots of back and forth and legal stuff. I love Mel but man shes just all over the place all the time and I can understand but she’s got to rein herself in and just stick with something. The selling every car, switching up jobs, one day shes alright the next she hates her life its just emotionally a lot but I love her to death. I just want her to be happy and out of this bankruptcy and condo and we can all just move on with our life. House stuff with trav is better now. It was bad for a bit, I really dont like the realtor they got because hes pushy as hell and so damn unprofessional. Im reporting him when we’re done because he’s been the worst person to deal with. He got trav and his mom riled up messaging me because I didnt agree with the first offer within the first fucking hour. It was just all way too much, we shouldnt have even tried to list the house until we had things in order about the split of it so that caused so many more issues i ended up just backing out of everything and saying fine take it all and be done. I think he moved back to the island because he’s not living there now but too bad he’s still responsible for the payments until it sells! I dont care. But I’ve been praying more this past week and asking for peace and reassurance that Gods going to provide and I have been feeling a lot better. I dont think about him very often and I dont have the same anger I did a few weeks ago so thats all thanks to the Lord. I’m still working a lot and really just focusing on that, I’ve been drawing more again finally and just relaxing. I really want to enjoy summer this year and go to all the little events and things and just focus on things that make me happy. Not on what will make someone else happy or what more can I do to feel like Im doing something right. I'm just working, focusing on my health and being the best version of me. I definitely let these last couple months slip by so fast without continuing my inner work questions to keep unpacking things and to keep my mind in that growing and learning but I also don't want to be super hard on myself because I did a lot of that for many months and I’ve come a long way and sometimes it’s okay to just live in the “settle” and live in the moments and come back to those growing points again. I do need to find a better balance. I got a little caught up in the looking to date again area and went on some dates with Mitch which he’s the absolute sweetest gem of a guy but just not someone that I’m looking for for life sadly and Im sad that hurt him even though he completely understood and heck man he’s definitely been the most understanding guy I’ve ever come across but I really do want to find someone that has the same beliefs and goals in life as me. Not that 36 was too old but he wasn’t the biggest adventure guy and thats okay too but he was more on the home body side than going out to hike and explore and doing different activities and keeping busy with hobbies like that, he was more work and stay home doing other work or watch movies. Thought it really saddens me because Nova and Zona played so well that I haven’t seen her play with another dog like that since Clark. Made me really just want the best life for her and to meet more dogs that she can really play with. Man i love her so much haha. I can’t believe she’s 4 next week. She’s the most special breathing animal of life. Anyways thats a big ramble and that catches you up to date on most of the things happening. other than talking to Marc who's from Edmonton but I'm not going to get excited or start talking about that yet cause it’s still so early even though we seem to have everything in common and he’s damn attractive but let’s wait for that update another day. Oh and the the battle of Alberta happened!!! But flames lost so that sucks.

Good night future self.

#dear future self #personal #future self #life updates

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timjohns3rd · 2 years

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Sigh..

I wish it was easy to stop loving...to walk away...its not. Everyone...Shannon, Tessa, etc... was easy compared to this... I know you are trying to set boundaries.. but the hug was nice. I dont get how some people can turn it off so easily.. I know you want me to move my appts to my own calendar...but still keep access to the other since Im still going to be helping with the girls... I felt good with you saying that... I still feel horrible... I am truly sorry I didnt do better for you...and pushed you away in the process.. Story of my life..ruining a holiday with ants so to speak...I never wanted to be considered a free loader... with everything tho with the pandemic, uber eats...etc... and my background... made it so difficult... and hate myself in the process.. I dont blame you or want to guilt you... everything I have improved in my life with myself is because of you. I love you, I love the girls, and I love the furbabies.. you gave me all of those in my life.. I feel I accomplished my main goal in my life.. Now the other side of things... part of the reason for leaving the business is because of you...NOT in a negative way...but you deserve all of them around too...all the friends/fam you made and I dont want you to feel awkward around shows or anything...while on the other side... I dont want constantly be asked..what happened..etc..and its been 25 years...its a good time to walk away... never feel bad... ive been pushing myself for awhile as it is to get thru everything as it is...the drive wasnt there as much as it should have been...but I was doing it for you guys as well... as you all enjoyed it too As for what I am going to do after I have you paid back, and its to the point you want me to start the move out... Im not sure .... I know friends would offer me to stay with them... but I want to do this alone.. even if it means staying in my car til I built up enough...or finding a studio apartment and sleeping on the floor.. even if I do just stay in my car... Im not saying this for you to feel bad or anything (and dont expect it)... Its my choice I do willingly...as I said to do it on my own or die trying... I have to work hard not to fail. I can shower at truck stops..etc... If Im unable to take my stuff with me...or ever get it for awhile...I expect you to do what you need to with it..even if it means pitching, or selling it to get it out of the house... I can always rebuild again... been there before with that... but ultimately you are not my storage place..which I truly understand that Also...even if I got a place... I wouldnt take either of the furbabies... as one...I promised myself I would never...and have you guys go thru that again like others did... and Im afraid I couldnt give them what they need either... they have a loving home...and I have no right to take them from it... Why do I write these knowing you wont see them. Just to help myself... while Id rather talk to you directly about this...I dont want you to think I am trying to guilt or anything... I accept my fate and what needs to be done...I truly do... with no hate in my heart..just remorse for everything I did wrong... and I dont plan to find anyone else..NOT with the hopes of getting back together...but protecting myself again...Ive made it to the top... I have nothing more to prove myself except surviving.. which I did before...

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volinare · 1 year

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#the bed is definitely the worst part #ignore the unopened box of gloves that i apparently have been sleeping next too like some sort of stuffed animal #the box of cookies are like left over from some event my parents attended and they let me them so my sister wouldnt eat them #a lit of the clutter is from moving i was manic and then wasnt anymore #its really not that bad. definitely better then highschool. like my clothes are somewhat clean and theres only a few peices of trash #no rotten apple cores or anything. there is a bunch of dried milk on the sink but thats just the way it is i guess #i think i have my ex to thank for some of my new found ability to keep a space clean #i feel bad because this room is so nice and i really wanted to keep tidy. i hate how it feels like i dont respect the space #i really dont know how it gets this bad. but still. thankfull ive grown a bit!#if i just work continuously this wont even take that long. hardest part will be organizing but im gonna give a bunch of shit to good will #so hopefully that will make it easier. idk when i got all this STUFF #im even gonna go through my books. i want to see if i can get everything i own to fit in my car (in boxes)#im already pretty close. when i moved this time it took uhh. three not at all tightly packed trips #so. im thinking. like. a third of this had gotta go?#getting rid off most of my records (im gonna keep a few) give the rest to my family and maybe try and sell some? my collection #is not impressive so i dont think ill get very much #okay done procrastinating now. ill be back. hopefully with a clean room or at least progress pics!!!!!

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spritespi · 4 years

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its just me and my shitty little tacquitos against the world huh u_u

#this is partially a joke im not doin that bad djsk #my brain has cycled through many emotions tonight tho its been Wild #im listenin to the wrtv podcast rn tho n its FUN #also i hope it rains #also i want to fucking go home but its gonna take so much i have to SELL my BIKE?? disgusting #and like. call people and send emails and maybe take an uber which ive NEVER DONE BEFORE #what do i do if they show up and idk who tf they are!!! you think i know what a car looks like???#and i have to pack and sign forms and go on a plane and and and #you get it #i did call my grandparents today tho which was SO nice #i lied a little bit abt dropping out n blamed it on covid but its okay #entertained thoughts of moving to the valley with them and gettinf a shitty little job and keeping them company n making dinner for them #would have to be after covid tho #god. i dont wanna be an adult this sucks #jeez that was a tangent ANYWAYS #soda chats #if u are reading this. i love u

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sinfulshelbys · 2 years

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SEASON 6 EPISODE 2 PERSONAL REVIEW

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED THE EPISODE. THANK YOU.

oh my gosh, where do i even begin? what an episode i want to SCREAM (also now that i'm re-reading this, i noticed how out of order my thoughts are, please bare with me im freaking out)

firstly, can i just say how we're only two episodes into this season and its been by far my favourite!

i want to just say that this was 100% lizzies episode imo, like she ATE and left no crumbs.

That scene where she and tommy have to meet mosely and his mistress (fucking diana and her "eLizAbETH" stfu) and theyre both standing there dressed to the nines while smoking

"You are beautiful Lizzie, but i need to impress this woman so i will act as though she is beautiful as well"

okay, i used to hate tommy and lizzie as a couple because they felt forced, but they're kind of selling me

like if they dont end up together for real i might just cry

THE POWER THEY HOLD I LOVE THEMMMM

plus tommy's reaction to seeing his babies i-

like mans wouldve jumped out of the moving car to get to them faster if he could HAHA

Polly's voiceovers keep making me want to cry, i miss helen so much and seeing her on screen. she would've owned this season.

WE MISS YOU AUNT POL

tommy at the socialist rally - the way i laughed.

him and his fucking metaphors

plus quoting humpty dumpty, "THE KING... and all of his horses and all of his men" (thomas shelby, who are you?)

finally got some isaiah screentime thoughhh

tommy and laura mckee finally met though so that was something (she's lowkey already annoying)

while i disliked laura, it did give us my girl ada!! like that whole scene *chefs kiss* i love her

ada and tommy standing outside the garrison talking about where they started as kids to where they are now (cue more tommy shelby MP OBE metaphors)

i agree with ada in the sense that she's had to try to pick up the pieces of the family that polly would've been able to put together, but she can't because it's never been her job :"(

"you're looking for trouble big enough to kill you, i think you might've found it." ADA BABY STOP BEING CORRECT ALL THE TIME

anywhore, moving on to my favourite part of the episode!

ALFIE ALFIE ALFIE

he deserves his own section of this rant so enjoy me talking out of my ass about the man i love most (i apologise to my bf if he ever reads this)

firstly, can we all agree that alfie has the best introductions to any scene that he's in?

like i still remember the first time he appeared in s2 and at first i was like "who the fuck is this guy and why is tom hardy playing him?" and now every time i so much as get a hunch that alfie is going to be on the screen my poor boyfriend has to hear me chant "alfie, alfie, yes bring in alfred solomons!" over and over again

at this rate he's probably getting a little sus about how much i love a fictional character

when i heard the opera music, i was thrown off. alfie doesn't exactly have the personality that screams "i listen to opera!"

but then in he strolls talking about "i thought opera was just fat people fucking shouting" and then going on a rant about how it reminds him of italian soldiers crying when he stabbed them

he hasn't lost his touch

tommy doesn't drink, alfie doesnt let people smoke around him

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY GANGSTERS

nah, but of course tommy uses that to his advantage doesn't he? mr shelby and his wicked ways.

tommy lost his aunt and alfie lost his uncle (my babies)

"My OpERa iS CaLLed AmERiCA! AmERica iS my FUckIng MasterPieCE"

go off alfie... i guess

that shot where alfie is sitting under his little lamp and tommy is in the dark opposite him. I JUST WANT TO ANALYSE IT CINEMATICALLY

plus his beard has gone grey :") alfie baby i love you becoming a silver fox

i cant wait to see more of him soon

moving on because i could talk about alfie forever and still have more about the episode to mention

someone please take it easy on arthur. like for real, if anything happens to him i will riot. steven pls give him a happy ending, let him get the help he needs.

lmao also michael one hundred percent thinks gina is going to fuck tommy and i'm here for it. michael needs to sit his ass down with him thinking he can be the one who's going to kill tommy, like ??? boy the only reason you're here, as successful as you are, is because tommy found you and brought you home from your foster family. if anything YOU owe HIM.

tommy's hallucinations OH. MY. GOSH.

that scene felt so real to me too, i audibly gasped when i realised it was all in his head.

not to mention the scene where he's fallen out of the bath after having one and has hurt himself :"( i actually started crying not even going to lie.

HONOURABLE MENTION FOR JOHNNY DOGS AGAIN, that man always manages to make me laugh in high pressure scenes (we love a good comedic relief)

plus he's another character i will riot for if anything happens to him

we finally met so many new characters this episode! especially the infamous "uncle jack" aka jack nelson

(kinda want to punch him in the face for what he wrote in that letter about jewish people, but i'll leave that to tommy when he inevitably kills him)

i just know scenes between jack and tommy are going to be intense

also i want to know who that old man staring at tommy while he gave his speech at the house of commons is??? like he is sus

ALSO STEVEN IF YOU READ THIS FUCK YOU

making us think ruby is going to be okay just to rip our hearts out at the end like that?

like seriously DO NOT KILL RUBY

out of all the shelby's DO NOT CHOOSE THE CHILD?! i will be upset if any of them die, but especially rubes :"(((

"it's the grey man, he's coming for daddy as well"

RUBY PLEASEEEE

tommy is so protective over his baby girl i-

also the ending!!! I cant wait to see my girl esme in the next episode like ahhhhh!!!

"esme shelby-lee"

bring in my angel baby esme!!

This is a long as fuck rant and i know it's out of order (sorry!) i just wrote things as they came to me so i hope it's somewhat understandable!

#peaky blinders season 6 #peaky blinders s6 #peaky season 6 #peaky blinders spoilers #spoilers #season 6 #pb s6

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seancekitsch · 3 years

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Out of the Rain: a Marko x Reader fic

Warnings: bloodplay goes without saying bc vamp, rough sex, dirty talk, semi public sex, telepathy?? me projecting my music taste on this fic again. drug use, fast and loose use of vampire lore bc when i write i am god and u cannot stop me. also can u tell i have like…. v clear descriptions of the setting like i used to work at the place im describing but its not in california

No one had come in for hours. What's the point of staying open? You dim some of the lights in the store, which is one of three head shops in Santa Carla, but the only one open late. You're not really sure why this is the only store that stays open, why everyone else if worried about the three am walk back to their car on a weekend night. You've never seen anything of suspicion, just sometimes that biker gang watches people shuffle out. That was almost comforting, though. People didn't like those guys, so no one would make you use your switchblade if they were around.

The bright while fluorescent lights of your typical daytime ambiance faded away, and now green light bathes you in the “mood” lighting your boss thought was a good idea. The green lighting reflects off of the glass counters, shining it back at the ceiling and making everything that much more green. It fits, you think with the overall vibe of the store. The stale scent of weed, gently and miserably covered up by some nag champa incense, always burning in at least four different spots within the store. You'd long since gotten used to the smoke in your eyes. The music does everything to add to the ambiance. You always have full control of the music in the shop, usually because no one else is willing to take the night shift in Santa Carla. In fact, most of the boardwalk shops had a revolving door of night shift workers. You never got why, something clearly spooks them that does not spook you. Whether that makes you brave or stupid, you dont know. Jefferson Airplane’s Surrealistic Pillow pumps through the speakers in the store. But I suppose no one knows, you're my plastic fantastic lover.

The rain batters the boardwalk outside, a roar much different than the typical hustle and bustle of drunk teens, of the cliques and crews that come in and out; the few that sit and snicker in the doorway, never entering. Some too afraid to be associated with the implication of being spotted in the shop. We sell jewelry and vinyl too, you always say, when they balk at the idea of being in the same room as a bong or incense.

But then there's the other group that stands and idles in the threshold, also not entering. It's that biker gang. Four guys, a girl, a kid. Maybe he’s the brat of the girl and the one who takes himself too seriously, but maybe not. She looks too young for that. They'd been hovering around quite a bit lately, always after dark. You’d spoken to them, at least the ones that are talkative. The hair metal wannabe and the cute short one. Paul and Marko. You knew the dark haired one was Dwayne, but all he ever offered you was a curt nod and a tight lipped smile, respectful but indifferent. They're nice, not worth the spooky reputation they have. Any time it's not just you at the shop, your boss tries to spook them away. Good thing your boss isn't here tonight, because one of them is prowling around the storefront in the rain. That is, if it's not your spliff induced haze playing tricks on you.

No, one of them is out there. Without his little pack. The cute one. Marko.

You walk over to the door, which you haven't had propped open since the rain trickled in as a drizzle at the beginning of your shift. At least he had enough sense to be huddling under the awning. Fuck, he’s handsome even when he looks like a drowned rat.

“What are you doing out here?” You scrunch up your nose as you ask.

“Y’know, waiting for you to show up.” Wanted a look at that cute ass.

You blink at him. Did he really just say that?

“Okay… well, you know it's raining out there, right?”

“I might,” he offers noncommittally, eyeing the spliff still in the hand that's not holding the door. If it were anyone but him, you'd probably get fired for it.

Why is he just hanging around out here? That's hella weird. His curls are getting matted to his forehead, slick with rain, his jacket starting to look a little sad.

“C’mon in, Marko. It’s too wet out here. You’ll fuck up your jacket.” You nod towards the interior of the shop holding the door open as he passes you.

Wrong move, sweet cheeks.

“What did you say?” What did he mean, wrong move?

“I didn't say anything,” he offers nonchalantly as he thumbs at one of the tapestries on the wall. A garish mess that’s supposed to be the worm from Alice in Wonderland, but it’s distorted by a botched tie dye job of dark muddy colors. Every time you look at it, you assume one of the day workers did it.

“No, you said something.”

“Do you want me to say something?” there's both a threat and an innuendo in his tone. Maybe you do, but you just laugh, a sharp exhale through your nose, and bring the spliff to your lips again as he follows you deeper into the store.

You jump up onto the counter next to the ash tray, easy reach for each time you need to ash.

“So why are you really here?” your eyes narrow at him, kicking your sandal off on the floor where it lands a few inches from his boots. He looks uneasy in the space, like for all the wild shit you assume he’s into, he might not actually belong in it. He sways a little to the music, perfectly in tune with the rhythm. You sway along too, and suddenly he fills the space like he belongs. He just needed someone along for the ride with him.

“Do you ever come around during the day, or just at night because I’m so fun?” You’re teasing him, but it’s a nice easy feeling between you.

“Not really a sun guy,” bullshit, he would look beautiful with a tan, “but I do drag everyone here just to see you.”

“Awww, all for me? Do you have a crush, Marko?”

It’s more than that. You hear the words clearly, but his smile doesn’t move. You kick the other sandal off.

“I can hear you, I don’t know how, but I can. I bet you can hear me too.”

I can. You’re wrong about the tan thing.

You straighten up, mind clearing as you blurt out your next question. Something absolutely stupid.

“So what are you, a vampire or something?” he laughs at you, but his big toothy smile doesn't reach his eyes. No, there's something predatory, extremely dark in his eyes. Otherworldly.

How could you guess?

“Well, that for one big fucking clue.” You ash the spliff for the final time, leaving the roach in the tray. You would think you’d be more surprised, more upset that you just found out vampires were real, and that you were in the same room as one. You have to say, weirder things are probably afoot in Santa Carla. Murder capital of the world can’t all be from some rowdy teens and a ten year old.

“You do those surf nazis?” is all that leaves your mouth. You kind of hope it was. They were the fucking worst. Racist, misogynistic, destructive. You’d had to threaten them a few times to leave your store on your shift.

“The—? Oh! Surf nazis. Yeah that was us. Ate a few of them.”

“Good for you. I mean— murder. bad. But they were nazis, and now they’re dead. so…” you trail off. Not really sure what to say next, but then you keep going. Remember everything you know about Marko.

“No, no I mean, it makes sense. Right? You and the guys only hang around at night. Aren’t vampires solitary hunters though? I don’t remember Dracula being in a frat.”

“They’re my pack. We take care of each other.” He says it with such fondness and devotion.

You feel a pang of jealousy run through you. You work alone for the most part, live alone, you’ve got friends but they’re all over the place. He belongs to something.

“And you're down with this?” he’s legitimately asking. You nod. You don't really have a choice, you're down or you get eaten, but like genuinely you are down with it. If he was going to eat you, he probably would have by now. There's probably a reason they've been hanging around the store, and in your sightline while you close up. You're putting things together.

“Like really?”

“Well, you haven't made me a kebab yet.”

He shrugs, frowns.

“Could still skewer you on something.”

Laughter erupts from your lips while you roll your eyes, music to Marko’s ears. This is why he took a shine to you, it's easy to get along with you, and you're not one of his brothers.

Something heavy falls in the room, and it's not the haze of the incense. He steps towards you, big blue eyes raking over your body, but always coming back to meet your gaze. He closes the space between you, easily fitting between your thighs; the rough patches of his jacket brushing against your bare skin where your shorts ride up. He leans in, like he's about to kiss you, and against all better judgement, you're going to let him.

You're going to let him.

The record skips. He holds out his hand, more like a gentleman than a biker gang killer, and helps you off the counter.

“Hold on, let me pick out a new record,” you turn without waiting for his confirmation, not at all surprised when Marko follows hot on your heels to the back room. Your boss’ office, the record room. Whatever you wanted to call it. His hands ghost over your arms as you push past the wooden bead curtain to enter the room. You can feel his presence close enough to touch. That's it, right where I want you. There’s his voice again.

He lets you actually pick out a new record. You slide it out of the sleeve and walk it over to the player. The static buzzes and pops as the needle finds the groove.

“Ocean Rain, you heard it?” No. He shakes his head, and you can feel it as he leans into your back.

“Echo and the Bunnymen. They've got a new album coming out this year.”

You turn to face him and his fingerless leather glove clad hands cover your cheeks.

He kisses you gently, tenderly. Not at all the way you’d expect. He’s eager, kissing like there’s something to prove. He licks his way into your mouth, tongue pushing your lips apart and you let him. His arms tighten around you as you kiss, tongues now greeting each other playfully. Your tongue explores his mouth, running along each and every tooth in his mouth. Huh, no fangs, you realize, and maybe he isn't actually a vampire. As if he reads your mind (maybe he does), he pulls away.

“They're, uh, hiding,’ he nods, almost to himself more than you. You nod as well, slow and uneasy, not quite believing him, but he pulls you back into a harsh kiss, more of what you expected. His hands roam your body as yours bury themselves in his curls. Still damp, but long and beautiful just as well. He shrugs the jacket off his shoulders, and his hands only briefly leave you to throw it and his gloves somewhere else, leaving him just in a thin white tank top. His mouth leaves yours to trail lower, kissing your neck. Your pulse point. Fucking irresistable. No, that's definitely his voice. Is this the end? Could be.

“I can smell you, hot stuff,” he moans into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. You find yourself gripping onto his shoulders a little tighter, but he lets you sink. He guides you, again more gently than you thought he would; bare knees brushing the threadbare carpet floor before you plant yourself. You look up at him through your lashes and he all but bites back a groan.

“You gonna join me down here?” You lick your lips, waiting for something.

“Nah, I’m gonna let you have a head start,” there's a joke in his tone. You're learning that’s normal for him. He’s silent, or playing jester. It’ll be interesting when you let him fuck you. Shit, did he hear that?

“Quit thinkin’ so loud!” he runs an affectionate hand through your hair. “But yes, I heard you. Glad you're as eager as I am.”

That's encouraging. You take your time undoing his belt, connected to faded and soft leather chaps, not bothering to push them down his thighs before you move to the top of his jeans, teasing your fingers at the skin just above the waistline. He shudders under your touch, extremely reactive. Does he get touched like this often? Or is it just quick fucks? You don't want to think about who else he might be doing this with, focusing again on his body, and all of the offending clothing covering it. You unbutton them slowly, teasing. For a member of the undead, he seems to be out of breath under your movements. The zipper is pulled down just as slowly. You run your palms flat along the bottom of his stomach, to his hips before pushing his jeans down to around his ankles, hooking his boxers on your finger along with them. He’s beautiful, and you can help but stare. Hard, eager, and thick, greeting you with a small trimmed patch of golden blonde curls. You wrap your hand around the base.

You never expected a vampire to whimper, but that's exactly what happens when your tongue darts out of your mouth to lick the head of his cock. Quick, tentative little lick, testing the waters. Your tongue swipes across the slit at the tip of his thick member and his hands animate like you flipped a switch, rising up, going to your hair, rising up again, slamming down against the desk. Your boss’ desk. You lick a long stripe to the underside of his cock, paying close attention to the prominent vein there.

“So good, so good, oh you feel so-” he pants out, hands white knuckling the edge of the desk. Heat pools in your core, loving that he’s so vocal. Fuck, if he could just keep speaking. Your other hand moves to your shorts, sloppily and hastily undoing them and wiggling them down to your knees. You wrap your lips around the head of his cock and sink down on it, taking him as far as you can, until you couch when he hits the back of your throat.

“You look fucking beautiful like that. Please move, Please move, you’re so fucking good at this.”

You do, starting to bob your head up and down on the length of him, hollowing out your cheeks and flattening your tongue against him, cupping and massaging his balls in your hand. Your free finds itself between your legs, rubbing gently at your clit, stirred and encouraged by his praise.

“Does sucking me off get you hot and bothered?” Yesitdoes.

You keep bobbing your head, rubbing your clit, eyes trained on his until his eyes squeeze shut. His cock twitches in your mouth.

“Don't wanna- don't wanna finish in your mouth,” he’s urgent, grabbing you by the chin and pulling your mouth off of his cock. He pushes you back by your shoulders, letting you guide yourself back to lay on the rug. He pulls your loose shorts easily off your legs and settles himself between your legs, too eager to bother with removing his boots and everything.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Do you know how bad I wanted this?”

“Fuck me, Marko, dont say it. Just do it,” youre breathless under him, wanting nothing more than for him to be fucking you. He pauses.

“I dunno…” his thumb swipes up along your clit, drawing a whine from your throat, “For some reason I think you like it when I say things.”

You nod, knowing words will fail you. And he gives you what you want, lining himself up and sinking into you, groaning as he buries his head into the crook of your neck.

“Oh I knew your pussy would feel like fucking heaven,” he pants against your neck, pressing a harsh kiss to the underside of your jaw. He sets the pace quickly, unmerciful and fast, fucking hard and deep into you. His hands push up your thin tee shirt, and you can feel his sigh of relief when he gets a handful of bare breast. He doesn't have to deal with a bra tonight. You hike your knees up, opening yourself as much as you can to him, wanting him to fill you to the brim. He looks into your eyes while he fucks you, which comes as a surprise to you. Maybe it shouldn't. You wonder what it would be like to be a victim of his. Does he treat them well? Have fun with them like this? Or is he vicious? You don't know if you could picture him like that… vamped out.

“What does it feel like?”

“What?” he thrusts sharply, snapping his hips into you, making you yelp.

“To be fed on, but not to die.”

Are you serious? You hear him in your head.

YesIam. He thrusts like that again, earning an identical yelp, now coupled with your thighs squeezing him around the middle. You're close already, and he can tell.

He nods, a question; You nod, confirmation.

He pulls at the neckline of your shirt, already scooping so it doesn’t ruin, and exposes your shoulder. Somewhere non lethal. His other hand comes up to grip your jaw, covering your neck but being careful not to squeeze it. You hope he bruises your jaw, you realize. A physical way to feel him when dawn comes. He slows his pace to a rocking, grinding into you, staying deep.

Then he bites. Stars erupt behind your eyes, and it feels like your blood has turned to seltzer. Every nerve in your body is in overdrive as you moan and shake and come undone around his cock. You're the kind of girl that comes from the bite of a vampire, apparently. He doesn’t let up. You can faintly hear him moaning against the open wound in your shoulder, and you hope you taste good to him. He licks the wound a few times more, softly, carefully, like he’s trying to soothe you when he finally lets you come down from your high.

When he pulls back to let you see him, his features are gruesome, full vampire with sharp brows and cheekbones, pointed nose even that much more so almost birdlike. Fangs and bottom half of his face covered in blood.Your blood. He’s panting like an animal after the kill. But he doesn't scare you. Maybe he should, but he doesn't. It's just Marko, no matter what, and if he wanted to eat you he would have. Several times now. His hand finally releases your jaw, to wipe the blood from his face. He wipes his hand then on your face, covering you in your own blood, hot on his fingers and palm.

“Fuckin sexy,” he pants, voice deeper and distorted. His thrusts speed up, trying to find his own release as your nails dig into his back, maybe making him bleed as well. You feel the rug burn forming on your back, you feel tears in your eyes. It's never felt this good with other guys.

When he comes, he comes with a howl, buried deep inside you as he shouts and shivers then stills above you. Your chest is heaving, trying to regain yourself as his face slowly fades to normal, and he slumps down on top of you. He buries his face in the crook of your neck, near the wound he tore open, now no longer bleeding. He mouths at any bare skin he can find, lazy half kisses as he spreads more mess and blood on you. Your fingers find his curls again, winding them around your digits as you stare up at the sickly green mood lighting bathing the walls of the room.

An hour later, Marko is helping you lock up early.

He makes sure to dump out all of the ashes from spliffs and incense, makes sure the vinyl is all in its right place while you make sure the register and inventory is all in its rightful place and order.

“You’re dangerous, you know.”

“Me?” you scoff, “That rich, coming from you.”

I’d do a lot of things I’m not supposed to for you. You kinda don't want to ask him what he means by that. For some reason that feels like a conversation you shouldn't have tonight.

He leaves the store before you, holding the door open for you and letting you lock the doors. He slings an easy arm over your shoulder, not bothering to shield either of you from the rain as he steers you towards your car. You can feel the rain cleaning your face, the blood flowing away and saving you the shower you were going to take before collapsing into bed tonight.

“Where’s your bike?”

“I flew here,” he says with that devilish smile, and you're really not sure if he's joking or not. Your arm sneaks its way into his jacket and wraps around his waist, holding him close as he makes sure you get home same. Marko makes you feel calm, in a way you didn't feel before you moved to Santa Carla. How long had he been waiting to make his move? And does this mean he and his brothers would be coming around more often? Maybe being more friendly towards you. Each step towards your car feels heavy; You don't want to go home alone without him, but somehow you know he won't come with you.

“Will I see you again?”

He grabs your car keys from your hand, and sticks them in the door handle. Of course you will.

Right. You just have to be near the beach at night. You know, where you work.

He kisses you full on the mouth, holding you close and tight, like you could slip away at any second. When he finally lets you go you pull away to be met with his face, full on grinning, his eyes still closed from the kiss. He doesn't look like a killer.

Marko watches you as you pull open the door to your car and more or less throw your ass into the seat. He holds the door as he gives you one last smile, and says:

“You know, you should never invite a vampire into your life. Renders you powerless.”

And he winks.

#marko lost boys x reader #lost boys x reader #marko lost boys #my work

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