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bladekindeyewear · 3 years

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HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding. (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship? Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right? We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk. I guess it’s overdue. :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not? So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah. Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well. Low-point. Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move. No Breath huh? What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help. XD She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap. And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh! No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back. He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess. (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh. Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep! Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor. Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME. What is that outfit and pose. Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling. JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD. Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry? Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars? Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something? (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task? And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch. Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was. (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous? I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~ get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit? Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no. Wait. What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!? Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES. God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN! And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise! If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!? And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they?? This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to. FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad. Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is. OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it???? For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing. And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely. :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories. Is it just the Hiveswap device or something? If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline. Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation? What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage! And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction. “ok.” Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility. Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John. ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No? So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck? Calliope SAW all this? Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there? And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already. Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep. Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline. It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck. You’re going to regulate non-canon? “Canonize” it? Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it. Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point. Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention! That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough. Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit. Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska. Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--? Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?! I don’t know. Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there. But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?! Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers #Roxy Lalonde #John Egbert #Calliope

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itty-bittle · 4 years

Text

I know absolutely no one asked for this, but I was overcome and had to get this out of my brain. and i had to break my 4 months of writer’s block. so here’s this, i might make more! i am selling a product for which there is no demand 😌

______________________________________________________________

Nursey/Dex, 1500 words (so far)

He knew this road like the back of his hand. All of them, really, the way they sprouted and converged with one another, each leading to a building or a park or a neat row of raccoon-infested dumpsters he’d seen a thousand times. It was easier at night to see them all again, brain on autopilot as one hand worked the steering wheel, the other tucked under his thigh. It made him almost angry, the nostalgia that’d wormed itself into his chest again. He hated this fucking place.

The only part he liked was the Persian tobacco store owner who’d sold to him since he was a scrawny 16 year old, who saw his shaved head and poorly ace bandage-bound chest, and passed the carton of cigarettes across the counter without even asking for his ID. He smoked half the pack in one sitting the first time, hoping his lungs would just shrivel up on the spot. They didn’t, he just felt sick and lightheaded his entire drive back home. He didn’t stop, though. He almost liked the way they made him feel. The nausea drew him out of his body, clenching his stomach instead of his heart for a few brief minutes.

He was smoking now, actually. The filter of a fresh dart pinched between his index and middle fingers, stinking smoke into the ceiling of his pickup. Luckily it’d already reeked of ashtray when he bought it, so he didn’t have to feel bad about ruining the upholstery. He shifted his unused hand to steady the bottom of the steering wheel while he took a drag. No one knew he smoked, at least at Samwell. He didn’t live in the Haus so it was easy enough to hide, not that they could do anything about it if they found out. His coaches could tell him to stop, but he did well enough on the ice with black lungs already. He just knew Bitty would be disappointed in him.

The road was quiet, like it always was after 8pm. In a town full of hicks and the elderly, everyone was busy either snorting pills or resting up for early church service. The night was mild and sweet outside his windows, insects screeching in the foliage framing either side of the road. Dangling his cigarette between his lips, Will dipped his hand outside the window, wind whipping through his fingers like silk. The headlights of the truck barely illuminated the road immediately in front, but it didn’t matter. He knew all the curves were coming before he even had to think about it. He was thinking about going to the shop, Izad was usually there well past closing and would let him in as long as he paid in cash, when his phone started buzzing against his thigh. Glancing down, he saw a facetime request from Nursey, his contact name “annoying shithead” staring back at him. Confused, he spotted a parking lot a little ways down the road and pulled in, heart thumping faster in his chest. He chalked it up to the nicotine buzz.

“What do you want?” He said once he parked, resting his phone on the middle of his steering wheel. The streetlight illuminated him just enough that Nursey couldn’t complain about not seeing his ‘stupid mug’.

“Hello to you too, sexy Dexy.” Nursey drawled. Behind him, Will could see a gorgeous oak desk covered in every manner of clutter: dishes, books, loose papers and half-finished granola bars. “Is a man not allowed to check in on his favorite little star every once in a while?”

“Ha ha.” Will said, flicking the ash off his cigarette where it hung out of the window, safely out of frame. “Then to what do I owe the, uh… pleasure?”

“I missed you.” Nursey said simply, like that wasn’t enough to make Will’s throat tense up with… something. “And I wanted to ask you if you’d quit that awful job yet.” The only decent one he could get in this shitty town, Nursey meant. Will sighed, watching as the ember ate away at his tobacco.

“No, idiot, because they pay me enough to keep gas in my truck. And it’s… I don’t know. It’s nice to do something. To have like a purpose.” Nursey nodded sagely, and something flickered across his face. He probably had a wealth of time sitting on his ass doing nothing, Will thought, and he definitely didn’t envy him. Nursey liked to keep things moving along as much as him, and Will couldn’t imagine what he’d even do if he didn’t have to worry about putting gas in his car or food in his sibling’s mouths. Nursey was probably going insane with boredom.

“What about the lobster boat?”

Will sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face. “The hull is fucked. My uncle crashed it into a sandbar that had a few too many rocks in it. It’ll probably take him all fucking year to get around to fixing it.” The news was disappointing, but not shocking when it came. Uncle Matt had a tendency to drink a few too many when the water got still and the stars were out. Will couldn’t say he blamed him, it was lonely out there. Still, sucked that he had to spend eight hours in a sweltering mechanic shop all summer rather than on the ocean. “How’s C?”

“He’s fine. Cait’s coming to visit him soon.” The scenery behind Nursey changed as he made his way down one of what Will assumed to many long hallways in his house. He’d never actually been, but in his mind Nursey lived in a mansion on top of a skyscraper. “How come you never visit me, babe?” Nursey pouted, little frown replaced by an easy smile when Will scoffed.

“Because I have a job.” Will replied, deciding he didn’t care if Nursey knew his car and his hands and his breath smelled like an ashtray, he paid eight fucking dollars for the carton and he wasn’t going to waste a cigarette because Nursey liked impromptu facetime calls. Besides, Nursey was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn’t a snitch. He took a mildly shameful drag, flicking his eyes away from the screen as he pulled and exhaled. Nursey didn’t look surprised at all.

“American Spirits. Didn’t know you were a fuckin’ tree hugger, Dexy.” Despite himself, Will smiled, taking another pull.

“Fuck off.” Was all he said. There was silence as Nursey reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of, oddly enough, white wine. “Whoa there, big shoots. I thought your parents didn’t drink.”

“They bought it at some fundraiser cus Ma liked the art on the bottle. I’m just going to mix it with cranberry juice, make myself a nice little rose.” Will gagged loudly, scowling at his screen while Nursey laughed. The worst part was knowing he was dead serious.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Will murmured through a mouthful of smoke.

“Bestie withdrawals.” Nursey sighed dramatically, uncorking the bottle and dumping it into a pint glass. He waved the open neck under his nose, inhaling deeply, eyes comically rolling back in his head. “Mm, I’m getting strong notes of… let’s see… cat piss, vinegar and oh,” he inhaled again, “Hints of rubbing alcohol. Simply splendid.”

Will was giggling despite himself. He hated how much he loved Nurse’s stupid antics. “C only left four days ago, how can you already be having withdrawals?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t seen you for like, two months.” He said, and again the same feeling jumped up into the back of Will’s throat, twisting at his guts. It was weird. It was hard to tell when Nursey was being sincere about this kind of thing. All the flirting, the pet names, all of that was a joke, obviously, it had to be. But sometimes Nursey would say things so easily, like they were true, like he really did capital-m miss Will. It wasn’t that Will didn’t miss him too, of course he did, some days he’d wake up and the first thing he did was mindlessly open his phone to scroll through Nursey’s insanely long Snap stories, just to look at his face. He’d never tell him that, of course, which is why the sweet nothings Nursey would casually admit probably affected him so much. Probably.

There was silence again as Nursey rooted around in the fridge for the juice, and Will flicked his ash out the window.

“Y’know…” Will started, hardly believing he was saying what he was about to say. “I do have a Friday off next week. And the shop is closed…”

“Saturday through Monday. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Nursey was grinning, the kind that made Will’s ears heat up and he had to turn his eyes to the window again, pretending he was watching something outside.

“It’s a hell of a drive, though. You better be worth my time, Nurse.” Will said, trying to sound mean but it mostly just came out soft. He stuck his cigarette back in his mouth so he wouldn’t say anything else.

“Oh, I’ll make it worth it, William.” Nursey said, and Will didn’t even need to look to know he was waggling his eyebrows at the screen.

“You’re paying me gas money.”

“I’ll pay for a new shitty fuckin’ pickup if you bring some of your brother’s hooch with you too.”

#Me? projecting onto dex? it's more likely than you'd think #anyways I don't know why I'm writing omgcp fanfic in the year of our lord 2020 but here we are #omgcp #check please!#william poindexter #derek nurse #dexnursey #nurseydex #omgcp fic #this so self indulgent i can't even believe it

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bradshawwannebe · 4 years

Text

Bits and Lost Pieces- Part one

A Chain of Silver- prologue

Bucky x reader

Summary: Soulmates gain what the other loses. But you’ve never heard of soulmates born in different centuries…

so in order to get the whole… picture, I’m going to be making this a fic. If i’m moving to fast… oh well. This is also loosly based off of a soulmate tik tok and a fic called I knew you by @klinenovakwinchester its amazing and wonderful and I fully and truly believe that you should go read it

Warnings: there is slight angst and cuss words, mention of drugs and deadbeat parents but detail are very vague

---------------

“No, Mechel, I’m telling you I don’t have one.”

“Oh… come ON. You really can’ t expect me to believe that you don’t actually have a soulmate.”

your best friend, Mechel, has been trying, and failing, convince you that you have a soulmate.

“Ok, well, if soulmates were real, and I of all people have one, why haven’t I found anything? Have you gotten anything yet, from your soulmate? And that is where I'm gonna hit you with a hard no, you haven’t” apparently, whatever your soulmate loses, you gain. However, having something stolen or taken doesn’t exactly count. Mechel figured that one out when some hobo stole her wallet which also included her ID.

“No, I haven’t but that could mean anything, but that doesn’t mean that soulmates don’t exist. Weren’t your parents soulmates or something?”

You deadpanned, right before you face palmed a bit too hard. “No, Chelly, my parents’ soulmates were drugs. That’s why we were handed over to my grandparents, you dingle berry.”

Her face fell ever so slightly. “N/n, honey, I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that soulmates don’t exist when my parents were. My mom got my dad’s boot… and she didn’t even know him then, and dad got her camera with her name on it. You, have to believe me when I tell you this.”

“Look, you shouldn’t be sorry, I’m sure soulmates do exist but mine probably fell off a train or something and died because I haven’t gained anything. Maybe yours is just super organized and doesn’t lose anything,” you weren’t lying, well not to her.

Ever since you were little, you always thought soulmates were a hoax. Your father didn’t have one, always trying to find his after your mother left him for someone else, and then your father dropped you and your siblings off at your grandparents house when you were 15, and oddly enough you never asked either one of them if they were soulmates, it just never came up in conversation before. You’ve never had real proof.

“Well, Mechel, I have to get going, I’m opening the store up early tomorrow.”

“Why the hell would you do that?” she asked almost in horror.

“I don’t know, it’s my store, and if I wanna open up early tomorrow, I’m gonna do it,” you sassed standing up to boop her nose, which caused her to scrunch up her face.

“No one likes a smart ass.”

“I don’t really know about that, I’ve always liked my ass,” you met Mechel when you were a freshman in high school while she was a sophomore and when you took classes to graduate together… God bless the teachers that had you two in the same classes.

However, your best friend’s voice stopped you dead in your tracks when you got to the door, “It would explain a lot, especially the emptiness you’ve always felt, maybe yours died before they could lose anything.”

“Yeah, your right, maybe.”

The revelation was really nothing but a self-deprecating jab at your lack of a soulmate, but you never really put two-and-two together. I mean, he might not have fallen off of a train, that would be sad and very painful.

That night, not much sleep was gained, but you didn’t notice the silver chain that was laying on your night stand either.

-------------

“Hello! Welcome Starstruck Books,I hope you found everything nicely,” you said to the little girl with a soft kind smile.

“Me and Mommy want to find the kid’s books… can you help us?” The small girl looked extremely shy and almost like she didn’t know how to ask the question.

“Sure thing, sugar plum, how old are you?” you asked squatting down to her height. Feeling a warmth spread within your heart at the smile the girl gave you.

“I’m 5,” she said a bit louder counting her fingers to hold them up to you, and you held out your hand for her to take.

“Well, I think we have to find your mommy first, don’t you?” the girl’s hair bobbed up and down as she nodded and she pointed to the adult section of books off to the right.

“She’s over there,” walking over to her mother, you told her where you would be. Just in case something were to happen and she needed to find you.

“Hey, kiddo, how do you feel about poetry?” the little girl nodded and you showed her your favorite book as a child.

“What’s The Giving Tree?” the little girl was full of curiosity pausing between words while reading the title,when she asked you the question. Her brown eyes looking into your own.

“It's a poetic book by Shel Silverstein about a tree and a little boy. The tree loved the boy, and the boy loved the tree.”

The little girl looked thoroughly confused, “How can a tree love a boy?”

“I don’t know, but the tree gave the boy as much as she could, and as the little boy grew up, she kept giving and he kept taking,” at that remark, her eyes lit up.

“Can I take this to my mommy?”

“You sure can!” she smiled big, grabbed the book, and took off. Her hair bobbing behind her.

“So when do you think you’re gonna be a mom?” you popped up, Mechel standing behind you.

“Oh, I don’t know, Chelly, probably whenever I get married,” you stood up, Mechel stepping closer to you.

“Well, I stopped by your house to-”

“How the hell did you get into my house?”

“Shut up! That's not the point-”

“It kind of is…” and if looks could kill you be dead ten times over, “Ok, ok, I’m done.”

“Well, I went to your room to see if I could find anything that wasn’t yours and….” her hands whip out from behind her back holding something that you didn’t recognize.

“What-?”

“They appear to be dog tags, any idea where they came from?” that smug grin was what always got you two into trouble in high school.

“Who-?”

“James B. Barnes.”

“I don’t-”

“ I know you don’t,” and with that she handed you the tags, “you’ve got customers.”

You were in a bit of a shock. So much so, you gave the little girl and her mother a discount on The Giving Tree but that also might have been because you wanted to. You haven’t figured that one out yet.

‘Ring, Ring’

“Hello?” you picked up the phone without even looking at the caller ID.

“Hey, it’s Mechel.”

“I kinda figured that, you lean-to.”

“HEY! I am not a lean-to… what is a lean-to?”

“Well, firstly, you could have fooled me because you’re attached to me and it doesn’t seem like there is much of any reason to be doing that, and two, you seem like an extension of my dark counterpart.”

“No, honey, I am your dark counterpart, and as your dark counter/lean-to I want you to be happy. So I did a search.” If you can’t hear actions, then you must be delusional or lied to because the smug smirk in her voice was so real.

“What kind of search?”

“On your James, duh. What else am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

“Well, Chelly, as head of security at the City Hall, watching the security cameras for possible threats.”

“Pfft, your so dense, that’s what my brother does, I’m a secretary at the police station, dummy,” Welp… some friend you are.

“I was testing your memory, now what did you come up with?”

The hesitation in continuing the conversation on her part was… unsettling to say the least.

“James Barnes has an exhibit at the Smithsonian-,”

“Okay it means he’s smart, keep going,” you walked over to the door of the store, turning the sign to Sorry, We’re Closed!.

“Well, actually he was a soldier in the second World War. He fell of a… well he fell off a train in 1944. They never recovered his body.”

When you collapsed in a sobbing wet mess of tears, you don’t know, but then why did you end up with his dog tags?

“Oh,” you cleared your throat,” I can’t drive right now, not in this condition, could you-.., could you take me home?” It wasn’t a complete lie, per say, but you really just didn’t want to be alone.

“Yeah, babe, I’ll be there in 5.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Well, this explains a lot.

With a small half smile you looked over at your best friend,”Well, I mean at least we know what happened to him.”

She sent you the worst glare possible, you almost thought she’d stab you, but the meaning was very clear ‘don’t do that to yourself’

“Well I mean I wasn’t wrong, but like... if he’s dead why would he have lost something? How could he lose anything if he’s dead? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself and you’re over analyzing, and that isn’t good, not now, not ever, especially not in this situation.”

“No, Mechel, you’ve said it yourself. I have a soulmate and at that point one would realize that when their soulmate loses something they gain it. My soulmate lost something. James. Is. Alive. He has to be. It’s logical-”

“No, Y/N, its not. That’s impossible. Have you ever heard of soulmates being born in different centuries? No. James cannot be alive, and that is proven by the emptiness you always feel, for Christ’s sake y/n he fell off of a damn train!”

“Then explain to me why you would have brought the whole thing up if you don’t believe he isn’t alive. Exactly you wouldn’t. Not unless you’re just so cruel you wanted to get my hopes up to tear them apart and I know you wouldn’t do that to me because we’ve been through some terrible crap together. Deep down, subconsciously, you believe he is alive. He lost his dog tags and if I have to find out why, or how. and If I have to do it myself, then by golly I will. I will do this with or without you, you brought the soulmates thing up, you broke into my apartment-”

“You gave me a key-”

“You broke in,” you said with a pointed glare,”He lost this. He has to be alive,”

“Okay, calm down.”

You went silent.

He has to be alive... he has to.

#bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes angst #bucky x reader #soulmateau #bucky x reader soulamte #bucky x sad!reader #bucky x bookstoreowner!reader #marvelfanfic #winter solider x reader

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thebookomens · 4 years

Text

Reaction to Ghost of The Shadow Market by Cassandra Clare

At first, I wasn’t too excited to read Ghosts of the Shadow Market, which is why it took me so long to read it. I just couldn’t bring myself to read it. But I was surprised, although not all the stories marked my attention the majority of them did. No going to lie Cecil Montclaire I was not excited to read about, but I stan now.

Cast Long Shadow:

● I had liked Matthew from the first time we meet him in Nothing but Shadows and I had heard the rumour that he was Gideon’s bastard, which in my mind the only way that happened is if both Henry and Charlotte knew they wouldn’t be able to have more children and were willing to try other ways. I did not, however, envision that he would go that far to have answers.

● I loooooooooove Jem.

o I was so happy to see him being protective of his friends’ children.

● Matthew, unlike our other heroes, is extremely naïve when it comes to the hate downworlders have towards Nephilim or at least that is the impression I got. Especially for the time, he lives in, which is still only about a decade after the Accords are put in place. It kills me though to have seen his innocence killed the way it was, trusting the wrong faerie.

o Also, that old fairy can take her potion and drink it. I did not, however, realize how important she was. Which is what I love in the end about this book, how the plot in every story is linked.

Every Exquisite Thing:

● This was definitely the hardest one for me to read, maybe because the character of Anna that we were being given was so different from what we knew about her. She had none of the confidence and swagger we had heard or seen before.

● However, I loved Cecily and Gabriel in this one, maybe more than I ever had. Mostly because we get to see them as adults and how supportive they are of their children: Christopher likes to blow stuff up? let’s help him, as long as it’s not our house he blows up; our daughter is a lesbian who wants to look good in pants Gabriel and Cecily argue over what colour of pants would look better on her.

o Although I liked Ariadne, and can understand her point of view, I am happy that Anna refuses to hide who she is and simply marry a man that will try and understand her.

● I can’t help but wonder however what happened to these Lightwoods, rebellious and accepting to turn them into Robert Lightwood and his parents.

● Now about the bigger plot, it did intrigue me that we at this point know more than Jem about what he is looking for, but still know very little in actuality. We don’t know much about Kit’s mother or his ancestor.

● Overall, this one had very little to do with the First Heir storyline and we instead find Jem chasing Tessa’s mysterious father, which probably means said demonic father will be important to the Last Hour storyline. But this is just a guess.

Learn about Loss:

● I think the title has a bit to do with the fact we find out about the lost Herondale and the first Heir that were, at that time using, the last name Loss.

o Might also have to do with Jem coming to terms with Will’s imminent death.

● Looooooved Sister Emilia and I hope we see her again, maybe her meeting Jem with Tessa and little Mia and Kit. But I just want to see how badass she became.

● I hate that Will is close to death and Jem can’t be with him like he wants, although I knew he would eventually die, I am firmly staying in denial.

● That last scene of them together was beautiful though.

● Overall, this is when we are really introduced to The First Heir plot before Jem was chasing for Tessa’s father, but now he starts looking for the lost Herondales. This one and Deeper love is kind of an ending the the ID and LH Crew.

A Deeper Love

● Jem and Tessa!!!!!! Together!!!!!

o But also mourning Will which makes me sad.

● This story is maybe a couple of years after Will’s death, Tessa is trying to move on, but can’t stay in London and watch the rest of her family die, so she enlists.

● Tessa and Catarina getting to have a friendship and help people at the same time is awesome.

● Jem is reckless and gets hurt, but then we get to see him and Tessa, so it is worth it.

● Jem knowing, he can’t be with Tessa right now is heartbreaking, but true.

● Jem and Tessa find out the story about the Lost Herondales from Catarina.

● Overall, I am going, to be honest, this one I did not really like, maybe because it is just after Will’s death, I don’t really know why. But it is kind of a transition from Will and Tessa as a couple to Jem and Tessa.

The Wicked Ones:

● First Off, this is the first one where we read about Jem not understanding feelings or remembering them and it gutted me.

● Meeting Céline was beautiful. I had never had a good opinion of her before and finally getting inside her head was worth it. I apologize for never giving her a second thought before, she is such a strong and sad person who deserved the world, who deserved finding someone who would have loved her, and I saw some of Jace in her. Their absolute love and bad sense of morals, their weakness for a place to belong and their empathy towards downwolders.

o Good riddance with her parents.

● The way Valentine manipulated her and used her is sickening. Far more than with any of the others.

● Stephen Herondale how are you a descendant of Will and James??????!!??!?!?!?!?

● Meeting Rosemary was… enlightening. She loved fiercely, her distrust of shadowhunters is understandable.

o She is definitely not someone I would want to cross.

● Overall, I loved this one, more than the ones before. Meeting Céline and Rosemary, two women willing to do evil for their love is a beautiful parallel. Two strong women who were almost saved, but eventually chose love over anything. It is even more heartbreaking by Jem trying to remember the feeling because he had it once.

Son of the Dawn:

● This is really the story where we only see Brother Zachariah at the beginning, until the institute where we finally see Jem surface. We really get to see how being a silent brother is killing Jem.

● Raphael and Lily are awesome and deserved better.

o I didn’t realize how much I miss Raphael and him refusing to admit to having friendships.

o I wish I had Lily Chen’s ability to come up with nicknames, which is a superpower.

● Yin fen…. How is that shit still around??? Why hasn’t someone destroyed it???? You have to have no morals to sell that shit.

● Baby Lightwoods!!!!!!!!!

o The fact 12-year-old Alec had a crush on Raphael is awesome.

o Baby Max is adorable and so beautiful

o Little Isabelle is as fierce as her older self.

o Tiny Jace deciding on his parabatai the moment he saw him makes me happy.

● I love the fact that Jace was able to remind Jem of Will and Tessa, bring him back from the emotionless state of the Silent Brothers.

● Suddenly my dislike of Robert and Maryse returned. The way they spoke to Raphael is disgusting.

● Overall the story is not that important to the plot of the First Heir and Kit, but it does give us an insight into Jem having to fight to remain human and remember why he became a Silent Brother, to in the end be saved. We also get to see the old crew (minus Simon, Clary, and Magnus) as they were still innocent children.

The Land I Lost:

● I loved this story, mostly because we get the Lightwood-Banes, and Alec being the badass he is.

● Lily Chen is a hilarious and beautiful person and I sooooo wish we had seen more of her during the Mortal Instruments and can’t wait to see more of her in Wicked Power and The Eldest Curse.

o Alec and Lily’s friendship is wholesome and deserves more pages honestly.

o Alec understanding, he has privileges and using it was awesome.

o The fact that Lily totally knew Alec once has a crush on Raphael.

o I think that almost every downwolder has one Nephilim that makes them see Shadowhunters in a different light. For Magnus there was Will, Tessa had the London Institute, Kieran had Cristina, Gwyn had Diana, and Lily has Alec (and kind of Cordelia Carstairs).

● Feral Rafael!!!!!!!

● The fact Alec did not realize he had adopted Rafael warms my heart

● Max being soooooo happy to have a sibling filled my heart.

● Magnus having his moment with Rafael where he just knew, the same way Alec did with Max.

o I do like the parallel with both.

● We finally learn about the old Faerie that gave Matthew the potion that hurts his mother and let me tell you: she can cram her Herondale-anger down her throat and choke on it.

● Jem and Tessa!!!!!! Finally, happy!!!!!!

● Juliette is a queen and not just of the Shadow Market.

● I really love how the storylines and the books are converging more and more. With Juliette and her daughter from the Eldest Curse, Mother Hawthorn and Kit’s storyline.

● Overall, I loved this story not only because we had Alec and Jem with Tessa, but mostly because we get to really see Alec as the man that would move heaven and hell to make the world a better place for his family.

Through Blood, Through Fire:

● This one was not that interesting other than for the details we got about Rosemary since it centers on a story that we already know the ending too. We simply get the final details of Kit’s background.

● As a character I loved Rosemary, someone who would do anything to be free and at the same time would lock herself up for her son. If only Johnny/Jack could have loved his son as much.

● Getting Rosemary’s backstory does let us understand her distrust of shadowhunters and how much she loved Johnny/Jack.

● Overall, we finally get the last bits of detail of the First Heir storyline.

The Lost World:

● Baby Mia.

o I really just want to talk about baby Mia, but other than her almost getting possessed, she is not really the focus of this novel.

● Livy, I fear will become a problem in the future, I feel like she might lose control at some important moment, but that just might be me being negative.

● I really want to know what the Dimmet Tarn is and what it can do.

o I can’t help but think it’s some kind of passage to the afterlife and that’s why Livy is going towards it.

● I already love Irene and can’t wait to see more of her in the future. The fact that she can feel ghosts and other creatures will be useful.

● Poor Ty, I feel like he is trying really hard to punish himself and he can’t understand the emotions he is feeling, so he is just assuming he did something wrong.

● Idris News: I honestly thought that locking themselves up in Idris was the stupidest thing the Cohort had ever done. They can’t hunt demons; they can’t get imports of food and they are totally cut off from the world. How exactly are they going to survive??? The fact they actually have a plan and want to wreak havoc makes sense, but I feel like they are still outnumbered and outgunned.

● Good to see Magnus being the most adult adult.

● Overall, I liked this one, didn’t love it, but it was nice to see the characters. I feel like some points here will be important in Wicked Powers, like the Idris’ News and Dimmet Tarn. Also, Mia.

Forever Fallen:

● Probably the one I was the most excited about reading other than the Land I Lost.

● I love the idea of Thule and the characters having to be brought into the canon universe to fight Janus.

o I can’t wait to see Thule Simon. I mean this is a Simon who has pretty much lost everything and is trying to kill someone who could have once been his friend.

● The fact we got to see a day in the park for the Lightwood-Banes was probably my favourite part.

● I got scared when Max was talking to Janus.

● I feel like Lily Chen and her deal with Janus is going to end horribly, I want to think she is smarter than that, she was taught by Raphael after all, but love makes idiots of us all. So, there might be a plan there, but I am not sure.

● The way Janus thinks reminded me of when the group was shown their deepest desires but twisted when they went to Eden. He lost everything and more than anything wants to protect those he considers family but isn't capable of understanding emotions anymore or morals.

● The Carstairs-Gray household is wholesome and loving and I adore them.

o The fact Kit finally has parents that love and support him.

o I love how much Jem and Tessa consider Kit their son.

o Mia and Kit!!!!!!!!!!!!

● However, I do feel like the ending was ominous towards the fact the Kit will eventually have to become or do something because of being the descendant of the first heir. They said he wasn’t an heir technically, but he did throw the Riders across a field in QOAAD, therefore I think he has more power then they imagine but it's locked inside of him.

● Overall, I loved it, it leaves us wanting more of the MI and AD crew, for which we will have to wait and foreshadow that the First Heir storyline will be important to Wicked Powers. I love the way it ties the plot of the entire book, which was finding and protecting the First Heir into Jem and Tessa finally getting their happy ending with their two beautiful children.

Overall:

I love pretty much anything Cassandra Clare writes especially in the Shadowhunter world. I would recommend this book, mostly because it ties into the storyline we will be reading in Wicked Powers and gives us an insight into Matthew and Anna, as well as the fact that Tessa’s demonic father will be important.

It is a nice between while we read The Last Hour series and wait for the Wicked Powers.

In cases like this series you pretty much have to read all the books, because sometimes there are small details that are important to the whole storyline in every book and novel, however, individually I would recommend:

● The Wicked Ones:

● The Land I Lost

● Forever Fallen.

For the Last Hour Storyline:

● Cast Long Shadows

● Every Exquisite Thing

For the First Heir Storyline (The reason I separate this one from Wicked Powers is that it doesn’t foreshadow anything about the storyline it just explains the First Heir, but the First Heir will probably be important to the Wicked Powers Storyline):

● Learn about Loss

● A Deeper Love

● Wicked One

● The Land I lost

● Through Blood, Through Fire

The Wicked Powers Storyline:

● The Lost World

● Forever Fallen

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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924

Do you have a taste in your mouth right now? What of? Just the faint taste of coffee since I have a cup at the moment but haven’t drunk from it in the last few minutes. Which is your least favourite day of the week? I’ve lost the concept of the days of the week for a few months now, man. Back when we used to do things, though, I hated Sundays as I felt loneliest on that day. It was always an automatic thing too so I had little control over it. If told to clean the house, would you be more inclined to clean one room really well or clean all of the rooms with hardly any effort? Clean all rooms with maximum effort. I’d be really bugged if I didn’t strive to be perfect with the whole place lol. Do you put glue on the object you're sticking down or on the paper? Object, so that the amount of glue I’m putting would be accurate. What was your last dream about? I don’t remember the details anymore but at the very least, I know it was very vivid since I remembered it throughout the morning. I’ve been having very detailed dreams lately – it’s the depression for sure.

What is your favourite part of the last movie you watched? Haven’t seen a movie in a while but the last thing I watched in full was The Crown; Vanessa Kirby as Princess Margaret really shone through in the last episode I saw. Have you stuck any stickers to the computer you're using? I put all my stickers onto my laptop case but not the laptop itself. I haven’t had the case on for a while now though, since I’m always just at home now. Do you ever write or talk to yourself in your head when you're bored? Yes or when I’m feeling upset, as long as I’m alone. I’ve found that talking to myself is a healthy way to address and deal with my emotions. What interests you the most about other people? What I find interesting always varies. I have friends who I find interesting for their music tastes; some others for their knowledge of random trivia; some for their jobs, etc. It’s always different. Do you ever take random pictures out of boredom? What of? Not really. If I take photos it’s because I want to remember a moment or because I find something cute or funny. Basically anything that elicits a strong emotion out of me, I’m bound to take a picture of. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Headphones. How many siblings do you have? Do you get on with them? I have two siblings. I only get along with my sister; I have not talked to my brother since last year and have no desire to again. Would you rather live in a log cabin or a brick house? Mmm I’d take the brick house. Log cabin would be nice for a quick getaway, but I wouldn’t want it to be my permanent home. There’s a psychological factor in there and I just think that staying in a log cabin would make me feel suffocated eventually, haha. Do you have a calendar up for this year? I have a ‘Job Applications’ calendar that I’m currently monitoring, and it tracks the applications I’ve sent out to different companies and how long I’ve been waiting for a response from each of them. Really needing some positive vibes and energy since I actually just got my first rejection notice today. Other than that this year has been pretty fucking boring and there’s been little need to keep an active calendar. What was the very first CD you bought? The first CD I remember asking my parents to buy for me was like the High School Musical official soundtrack. I was big on Disney as a kid and wasn’t a big fan of any solo acts or bands up until I was around 10. Do you keep things like old train tickets, etc? Yessssssss. Do you like your smile? Why (not)? I like it; I find my smile friendly and warm. I just hate smiling with my teeth at the present since one of my front teeth protrudes. Can’t wait to get braces again. Would you rather be able to sing or dance? Why? Dance. Dancers are super hot, lmao. What was your favourite colour when you were a kid? Do you still like it? It was purple/violet and it was mostly influenced by my great-grandma who lovedddd the color and had it everywhere in her home. When she passed away, my love for the color slowly faded away and I don’t think too much of it now. Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? Haha yeah sometimes. I pronounce it as ‘lohl’ and never ‘el oh el’ though. Do you like your friend's parents? I like most of their parents, though I’m aware that some have abusive tendencies. Most of the parents are super nice, though. JM’s mom cooked a big lunch for us once and his dad buys like four party-sized boxes of pizza every time we come over, Angela’s parents treat me like their own kid, Gab’s mom constantly tells me she loves me...it’s in the little things. How many times have you moved? I can remember just the two times, but I know that we moved several times more when I was an infant. Have you ever refused to try a certain food? Which? Most stuff with fruits, hah. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, like when a sushi roll has mango or if I’m having banoffee pie, but I almost always refuse a meal with some kind of fruit in it. What's your favourite type of soup? Not really big on soup. I just like miso. Very occasionally I’ll have mushroom soup too. What is your favourite candle scent? I don’t buy candles nor do I know people who regularly get them, so I’m not very familiar with the different scents. Does the sight of blood make you feel ill? In real life, it would. I always have to look away whenever Gabie gets a nosebleed ha. But I have no problem watching bloody wrestling matches and I actually enjoy the bloodier ones. Super weird quirk of mine. What do you call it when you're sick anyways? (Sick, ill, not well, etc) If I’m referring to a fever I call it sick/ill/not feeling well. If I feel like throwing up I say I’m getting dizzy/need to vomit. I’ve never referred to puking as ‘getting sick,’ and it took me a very long time to realize that it was a common American saying, haha. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? I did, and I felt super betrayed when I put my tooth under my pillow only to see it again the next morning. If you had to appear in a movie, which genre would you choose? Coming of age. What do you do with unwanted gifts? I keep them, since I still appreciate the effort of the gift-giver. Are there any clothes you haven't worn in ages, that you've suddenly started wearing again? HAHA yes. There will be rare instances where I get to go out and I always take the time to look stylish as all fuck, even though I’m only running an errand and wearing flashier pieces would be so unnecessary. I just miss dressing up and looking cute, man. Do any keys on your keyboard stick? Like, if they’re sticky? No. Would you rather own a laptop or a computer? Laptop. Love it when things are portable. Do you think you'll look at old photos of yourself and be embarrassed? My teenage years are definitely bad especially with regard to my fashion choices lol, but so are everyone else’s so I’m not super embarrassed. I cringe at the photos but I wouldn’t mind if my friends poked fun at them because chances are I’d join in too. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had? I always hated it whenever my mom took me to the salon to have my hair rebonded. That kind of look has never worked with my face shape and so I usually did everything for my hair to start curling up quicker and go back to its original form. Do you like t-shirts with sayings on them? Why (not)? Not really. It’s just not a personal preference. I like plain or slightly printed pieces. Do you click on the adverts at the side of the screen? No. Have you ever coughed and sneezed at the same time? I’m sure it’s happened before. Are you embarrassed to show people your ID photo? Nah. Whatever dude. Have / would you ever become a cheerleader? I haven’t, but I would have loved to. We don’t have a cheerleading club or varsity in my old school though so I was never able to hone my skills, if ever. What's the longest you've gone without eating? Maybe a little more than 24 hours. What is one of your biggest irrational fears? Commercials airing at night. I find jingles and graphic effects unsettling by a certain hour lol. What comes up when you press Ctrl + V? “I reeeeally miss seeing you and your purple things and seeing you give glares to people who deserve it. what a lodi <333” omg aw. It’s Jane’s birthday today and I copied that bit of my greeting to move it to another paragraph so that my message would flow better. Out of the bands you listen to, were most of them around before or after you were born? After. When did you last jump out of fright? I don’t remember. Are you currently waiting on something? What? For a company to take me in. Does time pass slowly or quickly when you're on the internet? Usually it’s quickly, but now that I feel more and more useless around the house, time’s been more slow and for the first time the distractions of the internet haven’t been working. What about when you're at school / work? Depended on the amount of stuff I had to do and whether I’m enthusiastic about them or not. Does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? The thought of giving birth does, but not pregnancy. What was the last thing you made with your hands? I mean I made myself a cup of coffee tonight, but the coffee mix itself was already pre-packaged. I just mixed it with hot water. Are you good at making shadow puppets? I’d say no. Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? Neither. I’ve been so anxious and depressed these days I’m actually skipping every single meal except dinner, and even then I eat very little. I don’t even do it on purpose; my anxiety has simply stopped me from feeling hungry. No idea what the weighing scale’s gonna tell me the next time I check, sigh. Someone hire me plz. God it really sucks being a fresh grad in this current state of the world. Are you prone to headaches? No. They only come out during hectic schedules and stressful weeks. Do you forget things easily? The little and everyday things, like forgetting my school ID at home or where I placed my keys. But I don’t forget things that are more bigger-picture, like birthdays or faces or memories. Do you enjoy going out to dinner? I enjoy it and I terribly miss being able to do it. Would you ever go on a cruise ship holiday? I would and I have. Lots of fun. Would do again and again. What's your favourite sea animal? Dolphins and whales. Do you get coughs or colds more? Coughs.

#survey #surveys

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wikipediathefreeencyclopedia · 5 years

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compilation of my favorite otp prompts 4

tag

Established Relationship AUs [x]

We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past nine years AU

just some ‘how they met’ AUs [x]

‘my dad invited me to go on a fishing trip with him and his buddies and I hate water and can’t swim but I don’t wanna crush my dad’s feelings and he said his friend’s son was coming too, so I’m kind of hoping he’s cool’ and ‘I fell into the water and you were the only sober one who was able to save me’

‘we were waiting in line for the FerrisWheel and your friend decided last minuet he didn’t want to ride and backed out, so we got jammed into the same kart together AND THEN the ride got stuck while we were at the top, but you aren’t so bad to be around for two hours…lets go ride more shit together’

'the cops showed up to a party we were at and chased everyone away. You and I happened to run in the opposite direction of all our friends and got lost in some dark and creepy street.’

more au ideas no one asked for [x]

“you’re super short and i’m sorry but it’s really really cute whenever you try to reach that book on the top shelf here lemme help you- oh no don’t be embarrassed, your face is all red and you’re even more adorable now i am going to die” au

“i’m a biker and one day i was biking in your neighborhood while you just happened to be outside watering the plants and since you’re so goddamn cute i accidentally steered into a pole and now you’re giving me first aid (holy shit you’re even cuter up close)” au

“you’re biking through my neighborhood and you ran into a pole so now i’m really concerned and patching you up, oh my gosh you’re really hot even though you have a bloody nose” au

“i’m at a karaoke bar and i’m sober enough to realize that your voice singing my absolute favorite song is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever heard, and you caught me staring and winked at me oh shit” au

“you invited me to your brother’s/sister’s wedding as a plus one bc we’re hella best friends but we end up making out at the afterparty and now everyone thinks we’re fucking so uh,, u wanna go out for a drink sometime? try this whole couple thing out?” au

“my mom/sister/dad/brother/best friend doesn’t know we’re dating but one day he/she/they walked in on us making out and started cheering oh my god this is so embarrassing i’m so sorry” au

“dude why did that siren take on my image to try and seduce you, is there something you wanna tell me” au

“my friends dared me to buy 20 condoms but i didn’t realize that the cute cashier would be working tonight so i avoided eye contact as i piled them onto the counter and please stop laughing so hard, oh my god it’s for a dare okay i’ve never had sex in my life and once you stopped laughing, i swear i fell in love with that sparkle in your eye as you grinned wildly at me and asked me out for a drink” au

Well, this is awkward AUs [x]

“I sneaked in to this huge house party for some free food but you asked me how I knew the host and the first excuse I could think of was that I’m dating their sibling, so basically I just lied to you about going out with you” au

post breakup AUs [x]

“today was the first family gathering i’ve been to since we broke up and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again” AU

“i still have your phone number memorized even though i haven’t called you since we split and somehow i remembered it even though i’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, i know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive” AU

“oh hi, totally didn’t expect to see you here at this one hole in the wall coffee shop literally no one in the entire world besides you knows about. what a coincidence.” AU

“it´s my [insert family relation here]´s wedding and seeing all these happy couples is killing me and all i can think about is how this was almost us” AU (bonus: “i know that it’s two in the morning and i’m dressed really formally and a little (a lot) bit drunk but i couldn’t stop thinking about you after my grandma asked how you were doing also can i come in it’s freezing out here”)

“we have a lot of mutual friends so we see each other more than two broken up people usually do and i know we’re not really close anymore but you’re wearing that stupid (adorable) hat you always wore when you were upset so tell me what’s wrong because it’s literally killing me to see you look so sad” AU

“i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because i’m a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and i’m not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” AU

otp fic prompts [x]

i had the weirdest dream about you and now i can’t stop imagining what you’d look like naked

you’re at the cinema alone and so am i we might as well sit together and i swear i didn’t think there was anyone else in this universe who appreciates this movie like i do

i hooked up with you at my sister’s wedding 5 years ago and now i’ve gotta track you down because i can’t stop thinking about you

we watched the fireworks together on new year’s eve even though you’re a complete stranger like i didn’t even get your name ??

OTP Prompts - Post Break-up [x]

“I’m still in love with you, and I probably always will be, but I thought you wanted to break up, so I broke up with you. Now, it’s a year later, and you’re telling me you were about to propose?”

“I never told my extended family that we broke up, and now they want to know when you’re coming over for dinner again.”

“I didn’t mean to tell you I still loved you, but now we’re standing here awkwardly, and I should probably just go.”

“I thought you broke up with me, so I haven’t spoken to you in a year, but apparently there was a serious miscommunication, because you thought I broke up with you. Well, this is as good a time as any to tell you I still love you.”

things to imagine with your otp [x]

one of them falls in love first before the other and has to try and be super chill and casual around them but oh fuck they just brushed hands

one of them by themselves but throughout the day they see little things that remind them of the other and they just randomly start smiling

trying to make a gift or do something special for the other but getting super embarrassed when giving it to them so they just leave it on a table and run away

star-gazing, flower festivals and making out behind dingy diners on a road trip

SOME WEIRD STUFF I NEED TO LIVE [x]

you work at the shitty overpriced coffee shop that only gets business because it’s nearest the university and I hate the coffee and get tea every time because at least you know how to make a good raspberry tea but I come in at odd hours and you always look exhausted, oh no you just fell to the ground crying about how you were supposed to open a gourmet cupcake shop, are you okay????

Aus I need [x]

I tried asking this person on the street for directions, but before they could even answer you pointed down the street and told me where to go. Turns out you were heading that way too and we end up walking together awkwardly for a bit.

We’re in a huge crowd to watch fireworks/a show, and there’s no more room on the lawn except right next to you and your blanket. I forgot to bring one, and you invite me to share yours with you.

I’m making balloon animals for children at this farmer’s market/fair, and you come up with a friend who asks for a kitty. You are enamored with the motorcycle I was making just for fun, and I can’t help being charmed by your enthusiasm and give it to you for free.

AUs to consider [x]

“i don’t want to go alone to my ex’s wedding and our mutual friend said you’re free that night” au

(could combine/mix it with this amazing comic)

“you accidentally left your ID in a library book” au

“i’ve never met you before but i went to a huge party at your house with my significant other - who then proceeded to dump me” au

Imagine your OTP [x]

Person A comforting person B through a stormy night

Helping each other in certain subjects for school.

#writing #writing prompts #otp prompts #au prompts #prompt list #compilation of writing prompts #otp aus

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avpdpunpun · 5 years

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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

#text #update #mostly tagging this for myself to read later if i ever start blogging frequently again

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shadymultiverse · 4 years

Text

I remember laying on my bed in highschool, sophomore year. I was exhausted. I had reached the point where every person id managed to scrape out of the hell hole that is middle education had turned against me. Rumors, as they do, flooded my small community. Things like lesbianism and sluttery being the least of it and incest and beastiality the worst. Theu were also convinced I was either possessed or the spawn of hell, which remains to be a point of pride for me.

My delicait social circle had collapsed under the strain of one thing, teenage hormones. Not my own, but that of my brother and his girlfriend, the girl coming from my group of friends. Their relationship had been incredibly toxic, but as Im realizing, everyone who comes into contact with my brother experiences the same kind of manipulation and fear. Not that she was innocent, none of them were. Ive always known a bad person when i meet one, but I also have the fatal flaw that cruelty and misguided affection will always taste like home to me.

They were the school bullies, though I would have shot you if youd said it at the time. I suppose by extention I was probably a bully, though I dont remember being one. It just explains why there was not a soul to catch me when I fell. There nnever was, not once in my entire life has someone actually caught me when I needed it, so its not like K was suprised.

'Oh but you were' My mind so helpfully supplies. I always viewed myself as kind. Sweet. Loving, even.

Yet there I was laid across my bed, too tired to get up, too tired to cry. It was after an episode from my brother.

It stands to reason I should describe him, he was not a small man. No. He stood at 6'1 back then, a weight lifter through highschool, he was a physically imposing person. Being the malnurished, overweight, gaslighted and generally abused little girl that I was, I was never any match for him. I had one fought against him, and my sister- who was always thin as a fuse and leading to something dangerous- but it was always them that were rewarded and I who was punished. My mother, who I struggle to speak ill of even now, was an enabler. She refused to see the cruelty that my siblings put me through as anything other than normal, but any kind of defense that I levied for myself was something of an act against the pure, Goddly love that was my siblings.

Now Ive realized that it was just too much for her to bare, too much for her to understand. She is a very fragile woman for how strong she is. She knew that as long as I was taking their abuse, she wouldnt have to think about it. She didnt want me to get better.

That said at that point my sister was long gone. It was just me and my brother.

He was in the bedroom next to mine. A trailer, so any sound or move I made was hyperly monitored. I was too tired to do much more than breathe and even that was a fete. He must not have been satisfied by that because his door opened and then so did mine. He stared at me, I looked in his dirrection, at his eyes. He was still angry. This was the fifth or sixth day in a row that hed chased me ariund the house, screaming at me and cornering me. He hit me all the time, always in the same spot over and over so that it wouldnt look like Id been beaten, but I was being beaten.

I remember thinking how much I was struggling. In everything. My school work, my home life, my social life, everything.

He told me to make him something to eat. I told him no.

I almost always did. I hated the way that he spoke to me, hated that I was nothing more than a slave.

I didnt have the energy tk try to fight or get up or get out of the way but he jumped on top of me and wrapped his fingers around my throat.

I remember thinking 'I just wanna go. Let me go, please just let me go' I didnt realize it at the time but I was praying that he would kill me. I was so tired....

He would put his knees on top of your hands and sit in your chest, then squeeze your throat just hard enough to not actually bruise. Cut off the circulation but ot actually kill me. Its this strange in realm between pain and peace.

This time, however, he was squeezing so hard I thought my head might pop. His eyes told me he wanted me to die. Truly intended to finally end the charade that was my life. I wasnt scared. Just tired. Ready.

I was almost gone when something changed. I was there, floating up put of my body and his face felt slack, his eyes lost their psychotic glint and he let go. He got off of me and left the house. I can still feel the gasp that tore through my lungs. If yoive ever blown up a baloon and held it against your hand to feel the way it sticks to your skin then you know whay it feels like to breathe into empty lungs.

Its most painful part of being choked

Strangely enough, I started thinking about what I should do with my life. If he wouldnt do me the kindness of finishing the job, then I needed to plan how I was going to escape.

I was tired though, and the one thing i jad always wanted seemed absolutely impossible to attain. Brain Surgeon.

I could barely pull myself through a day in highschool, the idea of two decades of college was impossible to imagine. I decided I needed to do soemthing else. Something...easy. I had earned easy, hadnt I?

It was Tom Hiddleston that made me decided I should go into theater. Ironic, since it was earlier that same year that I had been in theater, had auditioned for a monolouge and a duet for our state competition, gotten it, only to have it ripped away because I wasnt good enough. Ive always had trouble commiting to things like afterschool practice. Though, maybe ita because out practices were just delaying the inevitable abuse Id be put through at home. I only ever wnated to sleep, to stay after shcool for three hours and practice was like eating broken glass before going home to drink rubbing alcohol.

But Theater was the way to go. I liked acting, I preferred make up and set design. That way, maybe Id get to meet Tom Hiddleston. Silly, looking back. What a way to decidee the fate of my life.

He seemed caring, you see. Like he wouldnt let anyone hurt me. Not even in a husbandry kind of way, just in the human way.

He would see whay was happening and say 'This isnt ok'. He didnt have to rescue me or anything. He would just understand.

By extention, the world would see me, delight in me, applaud me.

So I started focussing on this fantasy of becoming famous.

At every turn the rug was yanked out from under me. Every time i got a line or a song or something that I craved, it was taken away before it could ever be preformed.

Just like my home life, I kept being told that I did not matter. I didnt deserve to feel anything but disapointment and anguish.

Maybe thats why Ive run away from every job that Ive ever had.

#writing #child abuse #abandonment #choking #death is inevitable #death ideation #abuse #the deep dark abyss that is my soul

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waltzshouldbewriting · 5 years

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The Klavier (Nacht Story 5)

Sirens blared, jerking Chay out of her daydream.

It's just a drill, she reminded herself. It had been a week since the last aerial strike, and a ceasefire was being negotiated, but Sakai authorities would still want drills at a regular schedule. Just in case.

Chay sighed, shutting off her vacuum and walking towards the small bomb shelter in the basement of the house. She didn't know how Ms. Zuri kept her shelter, but she hoped it wasn't flooded like many of the public shelters she had been down before. She pushed open the trap door, lowering herself down onto the ladder, and descended down into the dark.

She landed on solid, dry ground, but coughed as dust began to stir. She put her hand against the wall, guiding her, as she searched for a light switch. She eventually found one covered in cobwebs. When she flicked the light switch on, two dim lights flickered on.

The room felt small, but only because the amount of stuff packed in. Three bookshelves and a small table were stacked with books, boxes, and chests, and a stack of paintings leaned against the wall. A lot of people kept valuables in the bomb shelter, but Chay had never seen one so crowded. She was less surprised at the dust - Ms. Zuri and her children spent almost no time at home. Ms. Zuri's job at the hospital kept her there at night and often through the day, and her children slept over at their aunt's often.

At least it's not flooded, Chay said, dusting off a bench and sitting down. She leaned her head back against the wall, wishing she could do something. She was unused to being alone during drills - alone wasn't even in her family's vocabulary most of the time. Chay glanced around the room, wondering if it would be a breach of privacy to read any of the books. She glanced at a familiar book on the table, remembering reading it as a little girl. It was a well-known book, so it couldn't possibly be wrong to-

Chay frowned, realizing the weird shape of the table. It was taller than it was wide, with only a foot of width and a gentle slope down. It was made of the same wood as the bench, and Chay found herself starting to wonder...

No, she told herself. But she stood up anyways, walking towards the object. She picked up the books, jewelry box, and box of photos off of the top, and dusted it off. The sloped part was definitely a lid, and she slowly began to lift it up.

"You're kidding," Chay muttered to herself, looking down at klavier keys. They were white on black, not black on white like the klavier Chay grew up with, and the notes were slightly out of tune. But it was a klavier.

Chay dragged the bench over and sat down, playing a quick scale. The keys felt cold to her touch, and the pedals creaked when she tried them out. Still, she hadn't even realized there was a klavier in the city, and even though it had only been a month since she last touched a klavier, it felt like an eternity.

Chay took a deep breath, bringing back memories of her last practices. What had she been learning again? It was a lilting song, kind of like a lullaby. How did it start again?

She gently played the starting chord with her right hand, repeating an arpeggiated pattern, and before she knew it she was pulled into the klavier.

"Dolce!"

Chay startled. She turned to see Ms. Zuri behind her.

"You've been hear for almost an hour," Ms. Zuri said, crossing her arms.

Chay blushed. "Sorry. I got... distracted."

"Your parents are probably worried," Ms. Zuri said. "You should hurry home."

Chay nodded. "You're right. I'll see you around."

"Dolce, your skirt is wrinkled," her mother chided.

Chay sighed, putting down her spoon of oatmeal. "That's what happens when you only have a small space to put clothes."

"You can do better," her mother replied.

"Maybe tomorrow," Chay replied. "I'm going to be late."

"Late for what?" Her mother asked.

"Oh, uhm, I promised Tarō I'd help out with... things before school," Chay lied. She finished the last bite of her oatmeal, grabbed her jacket, and sped out the door.

She jogged down the street, still having a free hour before she was expected at school - if it could be called that. She originally headed for her usual rooftop hideaway, hoping that maybe Matt or Volpe - her only two friends who knew her hideouts - would seek her out before she was stuck all day, but half-way there she decided against it.

I can't just go into her house without permission, Chay told herself, decidedly turning back on her original path.

Still, another voice argued. It's not like you're stealing anything. Chay stopped and turned back to her detour.

It's breaking her trust. I can't do that.

With a sigh, Chay turned back to her earlier path. But she looked back over her shoulder again.

"You know, it's gene-generally n-not a g-good ide-dea to look so co-confused in a city."

Chay sighed, turning to the voice of her friend. "Matt. How long have you been there?"

Matt was leaning against the wall of restaurant, munching on an apple. He shrugged as an answer to Chay's question.

"D-don't have a b-better place t-to be," he replied. "You seem to have t-to many."

Chay sighed. "I just - I kinda want to - you know, it's complicated."

"I have t-time," Matt said.

"You know Ms. Zuri?" Chay asked. Matt nodded. "I was at her house yesterday, during the drill, and her shelter... well it has a klavier."

"A what?" Matt asked.

"It's an instrument," Chay replied. "More Erebuian than anything you've probably heard. But I grew up with it, and I... I miss it."

"So why c-can't you j-just ask M-Miss Zuri if you c-can pl-play it?" Matt asked.

"I-" Chay started. "I, actually, hadn't thought about that. She's usually on break about now, I think..."

"Th-then ask."

Chay nodded. "Right. That would be the logical thing to do." She gave Matt a smile. "See you tonight?"

Matt nodded. "See you."

"You stood me up!" Volpe complained, coming down the ladder.

Chay flinched, once again interrupted mid-song. "Is it that late already?"

Volpe sighed. "You know, you never practiced this much back when you lived with a klavier."

"I guess I took it for advantage," Chay said.

"I feel a little taken advantaged of," Volpe complained.

"It's not like it was a date," Chay argued. She immediately flushed at the thought, and quickly covered up the remark. "There's five of us."

"Yes, but I prefer hanging out when you're there," Volpe said. He also seemed a little flushed. "I mean, well, Tarō is too competitive for me to handle without you there."

"It won't happen again," Chay said. "It's just... nice to have a way to escape. Really escape."

Volpe smiled. "It must be. You should be heading back. You're family will get nervous."

Chay sighed. "You think they'd realize I can handle myself by now."

"Where have you been going recently?" Gio demanded, blocking her way to her room.

"Why do you care?" Chay asked, crossing her arms.

"You seem... happier," Gio said.

"I'm always happy," Chay said.

"Not like this," Gio replied. "You're like, energetic happy."

"Must be all of those fruits I've been eating," Chay replied. "Now, move."

"You see, that's not happy," Gio said.

"I'll make you unhappy," Chay replied. "If you don't move."

"I just want to know how you're doing it," Gio argued. "We're all suffering here. If you know some way to help that, tell us. Or just me."

"And have you impede on my only sense of peace?" Chay asked.

"I wouldn't do that," Gio promised. "I'm here all the time, Chay, looking after Zandro and Vic. I need an escape."

"Fine," Chay relented. "Just try not to ruin mine."

"This is someone's house," Gio noted.

"I have permission," Chay replied.

"Sure," Gio said, but he didn't argue as Chay unlocked the house with the key she had been entrusted. She led Gio down the stairs to the trapdoor, and opened a trapdoor.

"That's a bomb shelter," Gio noted.

"Just full of observations today," Chay replied. "Come on."

The room was still dusty and cluttered, and Gio coughed as he stepped down from the ladder. Chay flicked the switch on and walked over to the klavier, and lifted the lid.

"No way," Gio said, walking up to the klavier. "Does it work?"

Chay nodded. "Remember how to play?"

"A little."

Gio and Chay sat side by side on the bench. Gio played a five-note sequence on the keys. "It's even in tune. Almost."

"Just be careful of the middle D," Chay said. "It keeps sticking. And the C5 and C sharp 5 play at the same time, when you hit the C sharp. It's very annoying."

"Still, I didn't expect to see one of these on this side of the country," Gio commented. "You remember that duet we used to play?"

"Nope," Chay replied. "But I can teach you a more advanced one."

"You weren't that much better than me," Gio answered.

"I was," Chay said.

"Even if you were, you can't say that," Gio continued. "I'm the older sibling. It's just the way things work."

Chay rolled her eyes. "Whatever makes you feel better, Ei."

#fiction #writing #my writing #patreon #from my patreon page #Nacht series

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n1cklybear · 4 years

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Stories of My Life (Pt. 1)

I was just thinking, my memory is going...fast (I’m only 21, I shudder to think of what my memory will be like when I’m middle-aged). Like, I can honestly barely remember much about my life a year ago, much less as a small child. Remembering anything, including major events is becoming harder and harder. So, I guess I need to start writing down these memories before they're lost forever. So, here are a few I remember as of this moment.

I remember seeing my youngest sister at the hospital for the first time. Looking back on it, it was no doubt a day or two after she was born. Anyway, I remember being completely excited to see her for the first time, and when we got there, the bed or whatever it was (I don't remember) was way too high up for me to see her without someone holding me. I just stood there at the edge jumping up and down and standing on my tip toes to see her. When I finally did, it was for too short of a time, and I wanted to look at her longer. I loved her already. I kept jumping up and down to see her again, but they wouldn't show her to us again. Finally we left the hospital, and I remember being confused on why we left mom there. I also remember the oldest of my younger sisters crying because we left mom there and hearing dad reassure that mom would be home in a few days (and that doing nothing to comfort her).

Now that I think of it, I remember before she was even born. I remember two things: One, them adding onto our house to make room for my youngest sister, because, the house as it was at the time was certainly NOT big enough for five family members! They had torn down one of the walls in the kitchen/dinning room (which was super small at the time) and had a big tarp, the only covering between the kitchen and the construction. I was 3 at the time (I'm pretty certain, I doubt this was when I was still 2), and I had no clue what was going on, so I peeked behind the tarp, and saw a bunch of strange men working in what looked like a wreck (I had no idea it was a construction zone to build on to our house!). My reaction: I don't remember. That's where that memory ends. The second thing is trying to sit on mom's lap, but not being able to because she was pregnant. I didn't understand why I couldn't sit on her lap, or what being pregnant was, so I just stood there upset. I just wanted mommy, how could you tell me, "no?"

I remember trying to feed my youngest sister as a baby. I felt so big trying to feed her, and I remember her never wanting to eat anything I tried to feed her. I would do the airplane trick and all that stuff, hoping she'd eat, and finally one time I just tried to shove it straight in her mouth. She kept that mouth shut tight!

I remember when I was probably about six or seven, a family from our church who lived right across the street from us fostered a brother and sister for a short amount of time. The siblings came from a terrible home, what exactly their parents did I have no memory of. Anyway, the siblings were genuinely creepy. At one point they were staring out of the windows in the most disturbing manner ever. I don't know how to explain it, but the way they were staring out the windows was completely unsettling for all of us. The family consensus to this day is that they were demon possessed.

I remember when we first found out we were moving to Indiana (we lived in Ohio at the time). My dad led the high school youth group, and while I wasn't in high school, I was in eighth grade at the time, but had been tagging along to the high school youth group stuff since at least third grade, and the guys of the youth group had a airsoft gun event. One of the guys had a business at their house and thus had a huge yard, and we had an airsoft war there. Shortly after getting home our parents called all of us kids together and had us sit on the couch together. It was obvious something serious was going on. They told us we were moving. Us kids sat there stunned for a minute before the oldest of my younger sisters ran off crying. My youngest sister waited a few seconds before running off crying (she wasn't really crying, she was faking it to have an excuse to go off and comfort her sister). I stayed there on the couch, stunned but unsurprised at the same time. I remembered a few months back dad and my Godfather meeting each other for a really, really long time one night and knowing something was up, in addition to that, I remembered seeing on dad's computer applications to Huntington University (the reason we moved to Indiana) and houses in Roanoke and Huntington. So, I figured something was up. I was still not happy though. I just refused to show any emotion (I had long since learned that my parents didn't really care about how I felt, and therefore had made the decision to never show emotion since they clearly didn't matter).

I remember dad losing his job during the 2008 recession. We were eating breakfast, and we had the news on to the local CBS station, and they were reporting on how many people had been losing their jobs, and all of the sudden the phone rang, and the caller ID said it was dad. All of us looked at each other, and us kids immediately agreed that dad had lost his job. It was awhile before mom walked out of the bedroom, and she confirmed he had lost his job.

There was one point during the recession where I remember that we were almost out of money, as it was almost a year since dad had lost his job, and dad needed a job ASAP, and we literally almost moved to Africa. That's how in need we were. Instead, our church hired dad to be a full-time elder (our church didn't have any pastors, only elders, but we had two full-time elders who were comparable to pastors, but didn't really have much power, they were really just church elders who worked full-time for the church, but we called all the elders "pastor," so I can claim the title of "pastors kid").

I remember a few years back, during my six years of being suicidal, praying, for what I don't remember, but it no doubt had something to do with my suicidal thoughts. Now, this is one of my more confusing moments. I remember hearing to not give up because sometime in my late 30's-early 40's I'd get married. I took it to be God telling me to not give up because He has plans for me. Now, here's the thing, I didn't at the time (or now) care whatsoever about marriage. I stopped caring about marriage at age 5 when I learned that I wasn't going to grow up to be a wife or mother because I born male. When I heard this, marriage meant nothing, only the promise that God had plans for me still. That said, I'm not going to lie, I'm not 100% certain that it was God. I lean more towards it being God who told me, as it is a conviction that has always remained strongly inside of me, despite how much I've doubted it, which is why I ultimately believe it to be a message from God. The only reason I doubt it is because of the fact that I genuinely don't desire marriage, at all. If you forced me at this very moment to choose between being married or being single for the rest of my life, and it would be a binding decision, I'd almost certainly choose to remain single. I'll admit, my reasons for doing so are probably immature and selfish, but I also think that shows that marriage is something I am far from being ready for, another reason I have no interest in marriage, I realize it's something that I am nowhere close to being ready for. I guess though that if this message does end up being right I'll probably be more receptive to the idea of marriage, but right now, nope. So, anyway, even if it wasn't God, I guess having anything that kept me from killing myself was ultimately a plus in the end, but I do think it was probably an actual message from God. It seemed too much like Him (He and I talk a lot, so I can usually tell when it's Him, once again, the only reason I doubt it at all in this case is because of how I have no interest in marriage, right now).

One last memory, I remember graduating from high school. I had just started working at Lifeway Christian Bookstores, and had to push off my schoolwork, so I didn't even finish high school until August. My family had floated the idea of a graduation party to me, and I wasn't so sure. I hate being the center of attention (despite how attention-seeking I am), and so having a graduation party was something that I wasn't so sure on. I was leaning towards, "no." Then my parents told me about a week later that we couldn't have one anyway because we didn't have much money. I was ok with that, and so we invited my grandparents over for a dinner at a restaurant of my choice. Except, that it ended up not being my choice. I wanted to go to one of the Chinese buffets. My parents decided that they didn't feel like eating Chinese that night. They wanted burgers, they wanted "Five Guys," a resturant I had never even been to! To say I was angry and upset would be an understatement. I threw a fit. I honestly acted like a two year old, and came up with a "compromise." We went to Culvers instead. Still honestly upset about that in all honesty. Still upset that the event that was about ME, was hijacked because my parents decided that they were craving something different. Then, to make things worse, the very next year, the oldest of my younger sisters graduated. We were even poorer than when I graduated, but somehow they found it in themselves to pull off a graduation party for her. Once again, while I wasn't planning on having one for myself, the thought that they were willing to have one for her, when we had even less resources but not for me was upsetting.

Anyway, those are the memories I could think of right now. Thanks for sticking with it and reading.

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barbosaasouza · 6 years

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Threading the Needle: The Making of Quake Team Fortress

Last December, Shacknews published Rocket Jump: Quake and the Golden Age of First-Person Shooters, David L. Craddock's book-sized account of the making of id Software's Quake franchise and other influential FPS games from the 1990s. Presented unabridged, the following chapter is an oral history that recounts the making of the Team Fortress mod for Quake. The full edition of Rocket Jump is available for Mercury subscribers and up for pre-order in hardcover and digital formats from crowdfunding publisher/platform Unbound.

Following the release of Wolfenstein 3D in 1992, John Carmack started a tradition. Any developer interested in locking and loading a first-person shooter of its own could cut id Software a check and license its technology. Apogee was one of many companies to secure a license, building two Blake Stone titles as well as Rise of the Triad on the foundation Carmack had built.

The release of Doom over a year later sparked widespread interest in the engine, dubbed id Tech 1. Droves of "Doom clones" followed. Some titles, such as Digital Café's Chex Quest and Raven Software's Heretic, stuck close to id's template—the latter swapping out shotguns with magic wands and the former yanking out hellish landscapes and inserting bright color palettes that would have looked at home on the back of a cereal box.

In the weeks leading up to June 1996, the industry shook from the foreshocks set off by previews of id's next game, Quake. It would trade pixels for polygons and 2.5D engines for six degrees of freedom. Denizens of its Lovecraftian world would fly apart in showers of gore and dismembered limbs instead of slumping to the ground as one-sided sprites that twisted to match the player's viewpoint, only ever revealing one side of artwork.

"We were having a lot of fun playing it, so I guess we weren't so surprised that people liked it. The wonderment was more around how fast the word of mouth could travel and how fast a TF community developed within the Quake one." -Ian Caughley

More importantly to aspiring developers like Australian players John Cook, Ian Caughley, and Robin Walker—whose preternatural reflexes and astounding decision to aim with a mouse instead of keyboard keys made him the envy of his opponents—Quake would offer total access to the scripting language id Software's designers used to make the game tick.

At the outset, their plans were humble: assign Quake's default weapons to certain characters to put a spin on conventional deathmatch, group them into teams, and play ordinary deathmatch. They called their mod Team Fortress. Almost by accident, the three friends did more than switch up the game's elements. They made something new—and arguably more ambitious than id Software's 3D masterpiece.

Robin Walker. (Image courtesy of PC Gamer.)

Any Town, Australia

While Doom opened the floodgates to user-created hacks known as mods, Quake and QuakeC promised to take custom maps and game modes to the next level. An old-school hacker and programmer, Carmack practiced the credo that information should be shared. Pro developers could license Quake's engine to build commercial-quality titles, and thanks to QuakeC, even kids like Cook and Walker could dabble in game design by changing the way Quake played. But before Quake, before Doom, and long before id, there was the BBC Micro, pen-and-paper games, and a small town where two boys grew up dreaming big dreams.

ROBIN WALKER [co-creator of Team Fortress, programmer/designer at Valve, 1998-]

For perspective, John and I met when we were five or six years old.

JOHN COOK [co-creator of Team Fortress, programmer at Valve 1998-2016, founder of Sodium, 2016-]

We went to the same elementary school, and our fathers played guitar together. There would be these guitar jams where you'd have 10 people from around the town getting together and playing away. They were at Robin's dad's house.

ROBIN WALKER

We grew up in the same town of 800 people. We went to primary school, high school, and college together.

JOHN COOK

He had a house out in the woods. It was a house they built themselves, so basically a log cabin out in the woods. It was a fun place. I'm pretty sure I was around three years old when I went over to Robin's house for one of those. He would have been four or five then.

ROBIN WALKER

Then when we got to Valve, we immediately moved to opposite ends of the company. We're like, 'This is great, but you need to get away from me.' It was a mutually agreed upon separation.

JOHN COOK

When we were in elementary school, which was right near my house in this small town, he wouldn't get picked up until an hour and a half after school let out. He would just play in the yard at the school by himself, or with one of his siblings. Since I lived just down the street, I would come and play with him.

Raven Software's Hexen, sequel to Heretic, let players choose between three archetype classes, each with unique weapons and powers.

ROBIN WALKER

I had a BBC [Micro] computer growing up, and you basically couldn't buy BBC games in Australia, but you could write code. All the games I had were ones I'd typed in from the backs of computing magazines, so most of the games I played as a kid, I had the code for.

JOHN COOK

Both Robin and I, and our friends, were all very interested in board games, card games, and roleplaying games. We would make card games ourselves, and make our own board games. We played a lot of stuff like Talisman. When computers came around, we had some games, but we wanted to make our own games. There wasn't really a lot of knowledge about computers, though, in this era and in this place. Luckily Robin's father was a programmer for IBM. Without him, I wouldn't have actually known that computer science existed.

ROBIN WALKER

My dad was a computer programmer, so we'd immediately start hacking around with stuff even back then. My brother and I made a Miner 2049er clone with eight levels. When we finished it, we started making more levels because we had all the code there, and levels were just a bunch of raw data sitting at the end of the code.

JOHN COOK

From age 13, I decided I wanted to make video games. I thought, I should go to school, learn how to program, work as a programmer for a few years until I know enough stuff, and then get a job making games. That was my original plan. The point was always to make games.

ROBIN WALKER

The most fun part of programming, to me, is the problem-solving of it. I've always enjoyed writing code irrespective of what the code is supposed to do. I've enjoyed working on databases as much as I've enjoyed working on Team Fortress.

JOHN COOK

In junior high, I did a play-by-mail game. You had a sheet for strategy or roleplaying, like, 'Here's your character and the situation. What do you want to do?' We'd fill out a bunch of options and mail it back. They would process a turn, and you would get post mail back with the next steps on it. And it would be multiplayer, so sometimes you'd have lots of people posting things. I could never actually play them because they were all in the states.

ROBIN WALKER

Whatever code needs to be written, I've enjoyed it, which has served me very well. It's made it so I can enjoy myself while working on any part of [development].

JOHN COOK

I made my own that I played at the school. I started out by having a strategy game, which I'd modeled on a white board in my bedroom. People would submit their turns. I'd take [their letters], and I would process them and then give them letters the next day.

When computers came around, I realized I could automate that stuff. I wrote a program to do it. While I was entering these play-by-mail [answers] into the program, I thought, Oh, I could just have people play the computer version instead. I realized I could make it a multi-terminal program, so I did that. It was early days.

A BBC Micro computer.

Party Scene

Walker and Cook's passion for games and programming computers led them down the same path, at least at first. They graduated from the same high school and enrolled at the same Australian university, intending to write software for a living. Shortly after entering college, their daily schedules diverged, but their nighttime routine became a fixture.

ROBIN WALKER

John and I were both doing computer science at RMIT, the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology. It's a really fancy name, but it's a tech college. I couldn't deal with college very well.

JOHN COOK

I was a year behind Robin in college, and I was a lot better at it than he was. He was just not interested in showing up to classes at all, basically. He was six months into his [first] year, and he basically wasn't going, so he got a job.

ROBIN WALKER

John stayed in college, and I started working as a programmer full-time at NEC, working on embedded systems. By day, he'd go to college and I'd go write code that ran on remote power stations in Australia and Tasmania.

JOHN COOK

I was finishing my year, but by the end of that year, we'd made Team Fortress. The next year I actually deferred university for a year so that we could work on Team Fortress. I ended up never going back to university.

IAN CAUGHLEY [co-creator, Team Fortress]

I was a friend of Robin's brother, James, at university, and we met through him. When James went off to Singapore, I spent more time hanging out with Robin. We were having lots of LAN days as well as running gaming competitions at a local Internet cafe. John, I met through Robin.

ROBIN WALKER

Ian was a friend of my brother's, so he was a good friend of ours. He came to LAN parties a bunch and participated [in Team Fortress] on a design level. At night, we had modems and we played Quake deathmatch online on one of the seven or eight servers in all of Australia.

JOHN COOK

We were very active in the Quake clan scene. We played competitively and traveled around to tournaments. We also had friends we'd met in IRC as well. The Quake community was a big part of [the attraction to the game].

We just played in Australia. The farthest we went was from Melbourne to Brisbane for a tournament. That was a 20-hour drive. Two of us drove the car, which was stacked with computers. The other four people took the bus. I was one of the few people who had a driver's license, so I had to do the driving. That was fun.

ROBIN WALKER

I have very fond memories of that time because everyone sort of knew each other. The total population of Quake players was probably sub-100, so you knew everyone. It didn't really matter what server you ended up on, because there'd be people on there you knew.

JOHN COOK

We did well. Robin probably didn't tell you, but he was the best Quake player in Australia for several years. He's too modest. There wasn't a final tournament that he decided everything, but he was definitely great.

"Just the fact that people wanted to do it, and then followed through and did it, made us also feel like, hey, maybe we should be doing more." -Robin Walker

ROBIN WALKER

I remember, in those early days, being one of the only people who used the mouse, so playing on Ziggurat Vertigo was awesome. It was an exercise in cruelty.

JOHN COOK

He would have been using the mouse in Doom first. By the time Quake came around, it was all mouse [and keyboard].

ROBIN WALKER

There was a group of us who had LAN parties regularly. I can't remember if it was every week or every two weeks, somewhere around there. Technically I'd dropped out of college at this point. I was working as a programmer, and I shared a flat with John.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Robin's parents had a flat in Melbourne where the kids got to live. After James left, Robin was living there with his sister Jane. The flat became the hub of much gaming. I was involved from the start, I think.

JOHN COOK

The Internet really wasn't that good for multiplayer games at the time. We just had dial-up, so it was too slow for Doom and Quake being popular, and Diablo was the other [popular] one.

"Fortress," a custom Doom map, influenced the design of Team Fortress. (Doom on Xbox 360 shown.)

ROBIN WALKER

Every weekend or thereabouts, we would have regular LAN parties at our house. Everyone would lug their computers over at that time, and we alternated between playing Quake Test and Duke 3D. This was the height of LAN parties, at least in my life.

JOHN COOK

Next thing you know, you've got 14 people in a two-bedroom flat with their big computers and their big CRT monitors stashed all around. People underneath the table, other people on top of the table, that kind of thing.

ROBIN WALKER

We liked Duke 3D a bunch: its versatility, its combat, its deathmatch. The primary reason we mixed it in with Quake Test instead of just playing Quake Test was because while Quake was full 3D, which was much more interesting, Duke had a much broader set of weaponry: trip mines, pipe bombs, and so on that were really fun.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I remember when the demos of Quake first came out, none of us had the hardware to run it properly. We were all huddled around a machine playing it at like 320x200 pixels in the middle of the screen.

JOHN COOK

We had a cyber cafe just down the road from us. We met people through that. It was an early Internet cafe. We played games there, and we ended up helping the owner run tournaments for video games. He wasn't getting enough traffic from people just [using the Internet], so we showed him how to install Quake and got people around to play there as well.

Walker's, Cook's, and Caughley's mutual interest in Quake went deeper than its brown, polygonal surface. They took a keen interest in id Software's semi-regular updates about the game's design and technology. The fact that players would be given access to QuakeC, a customized programming/scripting language with which to design modifications for the game, was an even more exciting prospect than Quake itself.

IAN CAUGHLEY

We had gotten a bit bored with all in deathmatch and started playing team-versus-team in whatever we were playing. I can't recall if the games supported it, or we found some way to mod differently colored player models.

But it wasn't really till Quake came out as the most moddable game to date, thanks to QuakeC, that we saw the potential to make the team-versus-team game we wanted to play.

ROBIN WALKER

These days I think we would think of [creating mods for] those games more like content editing. Quake was the first game to say, all right, here's all the game rules. They gave you access to everything. You didn't have the engine, but you had all the rules for the game at the fingertips and you could go in and change them all.

We were programmers, so as soon as someone said, 'We're going to write a scripting system so you can write code,' that seemed instantly far more powerful, and it was, compared to what you could do with Doom and Duke.

JOHN COOK

The foresight of John Carmack was to do two particular things: the client-server architecture of the game, which made it easy for people to have a large-scale game that's server authoritative; and his adding of the QuakeC modding system.

ROBIN WALKER

We'd done some Doom modding and had built Doom maps, and I'd messed around with the way you could sort of hack game rules together. We'd build our own deathmatch mods that were fun and ridiculous. We kept talking about what we would do with Quake when they released Quake C, because we were pretty excited about that.

JOHN COOK

Not only did we like Quake, but it was clearly [inviting users] to work with it. Without QuakeC modding platform that was created, we would not have made Team Fortress. The idea of mods didn't exist before that, really. Not in a product-like fashion. That was huge.

ROBIN WALKER

Literally the day they released Quake C, we started on TF. We were waiting. We'd already started by taking Quake Test weapons and dividing them up into classes, all that sort of stuff. John came over and started writing TF, just hacking away with Quake C.

QuakeC.

Class Warfare

Cook, Walker, and Caughley didn't crack open Quake's ribcage and dig into its guts without a game plan. Before the game and its toolset were released, they discussed design ideas and jotted them down on a Blizzard Entertainment-branded notepad that Walker had pulled out of his Diablo II Collector's Edition box. Those scribbles, combined with inspiration gleaned from the games they played at LAN parties, impelled them to go outside their wheelhouse and design a team-oriented shooter.

ROBIN WALKER

Five minutes down the road there was another group of people, and we'd go down and have LAN parties at their house. They were primarily Doom players, and they'd play this Doom map called Fortress. It was a really neat, 2v2 map.

JOHN COOK

We were super impressed by the extra layer of strategy that the game added. It's hard to remember how basic FPSes were back then in terms of the gameplay options that were available.

ROBIN WALKER

You spawned inside a room and chose to drop down into the real map by falling into one of two or three different holes, and in each hole there was a different loadout of weapons. Rocket launcher, versus a plasma gun, and other stuff [in the third hole].

JOHN COOK

The enemy had a base, and your team had a base. You had to run up into their base and press a button. That would unlock the next area of their base. In the first areas of each base, you had basic weapons: the double-barreled shotgun. But once you unlocked the next area of their base, then they would have access to the rocket launcher and a couple other weapons.

Then you would go and you'd have to fight them [when they had] better weapons, trying to get to the third part of their base and unlock it, which would have more weapons—the plasma rifle, specifically, being the best one. Then you'd have to get all the way through the third [section] and hit a button, and you'd win a map.

ROBIN WALKER

It was a super rudimentary way of making a choice about loadout, but we played a lot of that and really liked it.

JOHN COOK

So, the whole time you're balancing offense versus defense, who stays back [to guard the base] and who goes out. There's also a nice progression ramp. It's like, okay, it's getting harder and harder to get through because [progressing] powers them up.

(Quake) Team Fortress.

ROBIN WALKER

We named Team Fortress as a nod to that map. I think the main thing we took from it was, hey, classes seem like an interesting thing to focus on. I tried to find the map years later. I've talked publicly about this in the past and have always hoped that someone might ping us and say, 'Hey, I made that!' It's never happened.

JOHN COOK

Doom didn't really support [enough customization] for the gameplay to work exactly how they intended. You'd press the last button, and nothing would happen. You could also go into their base and get their [better] weapons, but the agreement was, 'No, don't do that. These are the rules of the game.'

It was a map that really could only work on LAN play, and Doom didn't work well on the Internet anyway. But you had to know the rules and [communicate with other players] because the game didn't enforce the rules.

ROBIN WALKER

We made plenty of Doom maps and none of ours were interesting in any way, but then we played that, and it was like, hey, here's someone subverting [the norm]. It's like, well, I can't show a menu to players, so how do I do handle selection? Handle it from a level-design perspective: We'll partition it into spaces. That stuff was cool.

JOHN COOK

We did make a version of the fortress map for Duke Nukem 3D, though. We fell in love with Duke Nukem for a little bit. It was really fun, but it just didn't have the modding capabilities that Quake did, so we went back to Quake.

ROBIN WALKER

Team Fortress is literally a team-based version of the [Doom] Fortress map. Probably 10 or 15 years ago, I spent a bunch of time looking for the Doom Fortress guy. I never found him. It opened my eyes to good design.

[Author's note: On December 11, 2017, one week after Rocket Jump was published, I finally tracked down the Doom Fortress map that inspired Walker, Caughley, and Cook. You can download it here.]

In the beginning, plans for Team Fortress were modest. Over hours of programming and informal play tests with friends, the scope of the game grew organically into what Walker would later describe as an "obvious" conglomerate of mechanics.

ROBIN WALKER

The first couple of versions of Team Fortress didn't have teams. It was pure deathmatch.

IAN CAUGHLEY

The weapons of the first classes were all based on existing Quake weapons. We just tweaked them to adjust damage.

JOHN COOK

We made someone who had a rocket launcher, because the rocket launcher in Quake was awesome. We made the Scout, the Sniper, the Heavy Weapons Guy.

Deathmatch in Quake.

ROBIN WALKER

A lot of stuff in TF didn't come from game design. The Heavy Weapons Guy and his assault cannon came from Predator. It was an amazing movie; we loved it.

JOHN COOK

I think we knew we wanted to work up to some sort of challenge. At first, all of the characters looked the same, which was sort of confusion. Basically, we just sort of split up the Quake weapons amongst [the classes].

ROBIN WALKER

I think there were five at the time. We had a fairly standard, what I would think of as a fairly obvious set of initial classes. We started with a fast-moving class to the opposite end, a heavy, slow-moving class, and divided Quake's existing weapons amongst them.

JOHN COOK

We did the thought experiment to learn how to apply the fortress, but decided not to do it. We decided to do it later. That's always the way you decide not to do things: You decide to do them later.

ROBIN WALKER

We played a lot of Dungeons & Dragons like everyone else, so we thought [character] classes made a lot of sense. We also had a bunch of different people at our LAN parties, too.

JOHN COOK

We played Hexen a lot at our earlier LAN parties, and one of the things we would do was make levels for it. You could make levels so quickly that you could make them while people were playing the game. We'd have two groups of three go through levels and see how quickly they could get through them. We'd time them so it was competitive. We really liked how the classes interacted with each other.

IAN CAUGHLEY

At the same time as playing lots of multiplayer FPS, we were also playing other [genres] such as RPG and RTS. In these games you often controlled a team of characters with different skill sets, and we wanted this in our team-versus-team FPS. I remember Syndicate being a particular influence.

"What of his first questions to us, during the first lunch we were having after flying in from Australia, was, 'So, tell me what's fun about team play?' We just looked stunned at each other." -John Cook

These games also had your typical rock-paper-scissors mechanics and taught us that each class would need both strengths and weakness as well as easy kills and nemeses.

ROBIN WALKER

We had a very broad spectrum of [players with different] skills. There were some people who were not really hardcore gamers at all, but who wanted to come home to LAN parties and play. Classes seemed an obvious thing for us to do as a way to make sure everyone was having fun.

Relying on suggestions and comments from friends as well as stories from other realms of pop culture, Team Fortress grew to incorporate more complex weapons that had transformative effects on moment-to-moment gameplay.

ROBIN WALKER

The strange thing was we were hardcore deathmatch [players], too. When we were at those parties, all John and I played was one-on-one deathmatch. We played as competitively, and in tournaments, as you could in those days. It always struck me as sort of incongruous that what we played was so different from what we worked on. We played TF when people were there, but at nights we'd play deathmatch.

youtube

JOHN COOK

The order that the classes are listed in the menu is the order in which they were built, to give you an idea of when things came on. We released five classes originally.

ROBIN WALKER

Between deathmatch and TF, one was easier to play because you only needed two people. The player counts were low in those early days. That was a material factor. In a lot of our LAN games, if we didn't have enough people, we couldn't really get a fun game of TF going. But if there were only three or four of us, we could always have fun deathmatches.

JOHN COOK

There was a lot of stuff that was emergent, like being able to blow yourself across the map with a concussion grenade.

ROBIN WALKER

There was definitely class impact. The Soldier was absolutely the class made for anyone who wanted to do deathmatch. We kept the rocket launcher and core gameplay. When I look at that stuff, my takeaway is that there wasn't any effort spent on trying to build good team mechanics into those early classes. We were influenced a lot by our [habits].

IAN CAUGHLEY

Since we had lots of people during the LAN days, we had lots of play styles represented. We also listened to the feedback from players. For example, the Pyro was added after QuakeWorld came out to help out players with slow network connections.

JOHN COOK

Originally it was, you throw the concussion grenade and it knocks people away, isn't that cool? There were customers who thought, I'm going to throw the grenade at my feet and shoot myself across the map. That became this key part of all clan play in the Quake version of Team Fortress.

ROBIN WALKER

I think the Pyro largely grew out of a mod done by another guy, whose name I can't remember. That feels terribly unfair to him. The early Quake-mod days were like that. There was a lot of sharing of mods and techniques, things like that.

IAN CAUGHLEY

As you can imagine, when you consider the slight time delays involved with the server telling a game where the enemy is, followed by the game telling the server that the player fired in a certain direction, it becomes quite difficult for the server to calculate if a weapon hit its target. This is compounded by the server not being able to trust the game, since a cheater could be playing with a modified game designed to make weapons always hit.

The Pyro's main weapon, the flame thrower, did not need to be targeted accurately. Instead of looking along a line to see if the weapon hit, we looked in an invisible box in front of the player, as if that area was filled with flames, because it was. If the weapon hit its target, they would be lit on fire, causing damage over time so, once you hit your target, you didn't need to keep hitting them.

Couple this with the fact that faster units would typically have less health, and a pyro could be quite an annoyance—deadly—in a confined space. On the downside, they had no range, so were almost useless out in the open, though the flames could be used to make it a bit harder to see where your head was—always a good thing when there are snipers about.

JOHN COOK

The most frustrating class was definitely the Pyro. There were a lot of things we wanted to do, like set whole areas on fire. We got that working, but the performance was bad. Having 20 flame sprites on the screen started to slow things down.

Plus, it turned out that area denial is not that fun in FPS games. Running through areas is fun, but having a grenade that sets a whole area on fire for half a minute is not a good gameplay idea.

Working in QuakeC, Cook and Walker rejiggered Quake's grenade launcher as a flamethrower for the Pyro class.

ROBIN WALKER

It was a bit of a game in and of itself: Trying to figure out how to get Quake to do something was fun. If you managed to figure it out, you wanted to tell everyone. I think that's why you see things like grappling hooks showing up everywhere. It was such a neat that to even be able to get Quake to do that. I think everyone wanted to try it.

JOHN COOK

The Sniper was the class we had the most fun making, mainly because it was fairly straightforward to implement. You aimed and shot forward using the mouse. We wondered, 'How do we get the charging mechanic right for powering up? How do we make it slow to shoot but still rewarding when you get head shots?'

We played a lot of matches of just us playing Snipers against each other. We did try a few [implementations], and that one sort of balanced the difficulty of shooting and feeling like you really accomplished something when you shot someone.

ROBIN WALKER

We were a group of people who got together a lot or LANs, and you could yell out to each other. I think the clarity of design we reached years later, when fundamentally we had a design for 32 people who don't know each other—and who probably won't know each other again after this game—and they're all going to have their own individual goals, and a small view of everything going on—our goal was to make it so that as they all individually and locally optimize for their experience, optimization at the team level falls out of that.

They could look left, look right, and see teammates doing some stuff and go, 'Man, we're working well as a team,' even though we started with the base assumption that they were all ignoring everyone else, because it turns out that's the way most players work.

JOHN COOK

Really, a lot of the time spent making Team Fortress was spent working out, what are the capabilities of QuakeC? What are the extents of this game engine? What can we take advantage of to do more gameplay? You can't just do anything. You have to understand limitations and work with them to make the best game we could.

ROBIN WALKER

I feel like we had a shallow understanding of teamwork and so did obvious stuff. There's a combat medic: A medic is an obvious [class] to build if you're trying to have people care about each other. But this is the core problem of multiplayer game design: You're trying to get a bunch of people to work together as a team, but they want someone else to play Medic; they want someone else to [defend the base].

The Demolition Man had a tool we used in a bunch of maps that let him alter the map. He had a big bomb, he could go put it [somewhere], if it blew up before the enemy stopped it, it would destroy a wall and his team could get through. We didn't keep that concept in TF2 because we kept finding that it was a perfect example of everyone wanting someone else on the team to do that.

JOHN COOK

A lot of decisions, like how concussion grenades, were based around us asking: What can we get Quake to do? What are its capabilities as a modding platform? I ended up writing a pre-compiler for it just to, okay, we want to make this thing; how do we do it?

QTF's Demolitions Man.

ROBIN WALKER

At a design level, you were constantly torn between providing enough value to that [type of scenario] so that when someone does it, the team is rewarded and happy, but not such that everyone feels like, 'We're screwed if someone doesn't do it, but I don't want to do it, so I'm going to jump into Demoman, do it, then flip back to the class I actually want to play.' We didn't like making players make that kind of choice.

JOHN COOK

We could take a small amount of code and have the pre-compiler generate a large amount of code so we can deal with all these limitations of the system.QuakeC didn't have a lot of conditionals. You couldn't concatenate strings together. I had to make a system that was, okay, I want to concatenate things, so really, I need a giant if-else statement which handles all the different ways these four strings can be concatenated so we can share a status bar at the bottom of the screen. It was limiting, but it was still awesome.

ROBIN WALKER

At a design level, you can create choices for players that are not really choices. They're more like induced friction or punishment. It didn't seem like a good long-term strategy. I think the Medic is a good example of that. TF's Medic is not really a fun role. We made him a thing that needed to exist if teams wanted to be competitive by making him powerful, but that's not really a good solution.

JOHN COOK

The Medic seemed very simple to build initially: Just add a healing pack and you are done, right? But getting him fun to play and actually heal other players required constant tweaking and we didn’t really get him good until TF2.

ROBIN WALKER

We had a much better solution [for the Medic] in TF2. I'm sure it's far from perfect, but at least we understood that the right way to treat this class was to make it the single most important person on the battlefield for specific points in time, and make him be the way teams can break stalemates. I think that was a lot more successful.

JOHN COOK

It certainly was pretty crude. We just printed a bunch of text to the screen, and made the person hit a number that corresponded to the [option] on the screen that they wanted. If you wanted to make a menu with a bunch of transitions, that was never going to happen. if you wanted to just print out some text, you could.

ROBIN WALKER

A lot of the things we were dealing with [were new problems]. You couldn't add any data to a Quake entity, so every entity had the exact same data. The player has a variable for the amount of nails ammo they've got; that means every other entity has that variable as well. But you couldn't add variables, so what you'd end up doing is [repurposing data].

JOHN COOK

If you wanted to tell someone they were on fire, you just printed a message to the screen: 'You are on fire.' That's literally what we did.

ROBIN WALKER

So, on a flag, item 'nails' is a piece of data that will store a data that means a completely different thing: the skin that should be shown when it's dropped by a red team member.

All classes in QTF sporting red-team colors.

JOHN COOK

There were things that seemed like a limitation, like saying 'You are on fire' and flashing that on the screen instead of showing flames. People just thought that was funny. The low fidelity was consistent enough that that was just how the product was. People accepted it. They found the [humor] in it.

"It came completely out of the blue to us. The idea had never occurred to us that we be planning to sell, or that anyone would want to buy it." -Ian Caughley

ROBIN WALKER

The code was such a mess because there's all that kind of stuff where you're stuffing things that mean [something different] into pre-existing variables, and the variable names are all misleading.

When the going got tough, Cook and Walker took comfort in the fact that they weren't the only ones trying to flip the script on Quake. A burgeoning community of amateur developers was hacking the game and pollinating email lists and Internet forums with their results.

ROBIN WALKER

Quake C was a puzzle in two parts. One part was the standard coding to get what you wanted. The other part was: I want to do this specific thing, and at face value there's no way Quake will allow me to do this, but maybe there's some way I can make it. Sometimes you'd come up with solutions where you'd completely misuse something from the way it was intended just to get what you wanted. Every now and again we'd get something to work that we didn't think we'd ever be able to get to work. It was a puzzle in that sense. I really enjoyed that. It was really fun.

JOHN COOK

The nailgun is one of the guns we brought over from Quake to give to the Scout. We wondered why people always switched over from it to the base shotgun. Does it not do enough damage? Well, it does good damage, but you have to [land a lot of hits], and the nails are slow.

ROBIN WALKER

We were doing that sort of stuff, but at that time, everyone was doing that sort of stuff. The Quake C mailing list was full of people saying, 'Oh, wow, I just realized that if you do this and this, you can do this!' It was a global effort, which was one of the fun things about it. Steve Bond and John Guthrie at that time, at Quake Command, were doing all sorts of bizarre stuff. They weren't making mods so much as they did short-form experiences. The Quake Rally guys were turning the whole damn thing into a vehicle-based game.

JOHN COOK

If you have a LAN party where a bunch of people come over, you play the game and see what's fun, and make it better.

ROBIN WALKER

Once you saw that someone had done something, it was just as much fun pulling it apart [as building mods of your own]. The grappling hook is a good example. I can't remember who built the first grappling hook. I think it pre-dated CTF, but I can't remember. But once you saw it was possible, you wanted to learn how to do it. That was really fun.

A view of the blue team's base from high atop red's fortifications in the classic 2fort map for QTF.

2 forts

Team Fortress. Team Fortress Classic. Team Fortress 2. No matter which version players tried first, no matter which class they favor, no matter the art or gameplay styles they prefer, the words "Team Fortress" call to mind a vivid scene: Red and blue teams fighting to defend their flag and capture the opposing team's. For most players, this scene plays out a map that's been synonymous with Team Fortress players as well as its developers since 1996.

ROBIN WALKER

At some point, we shipped our first map. I want to say that was the third release, but I'm not super sure.

JOHN COOK

We couldn't really work out how to get the fortress mode working in a more generic environment. It was kind of what we wanted, but instead we went ahead and did capture the flag because we understood it. I started making a map for that, which was 2fort.

IAN CAUGHLEY

It's amazing how well this map did considering it was one of our earliest. I think a lot of its design came from John. He did a great job of making different parts of the map suit different classes and allowed for many different strategies.

ROBIN WALKER

CTF and 2fort had such a symbiotic relationship for the longest time. We really only had one map for some period of time; we were simultaneously making the game using the map, and making the map.

JOHN COOK

2fort was basically the map which Team Fortress was developed on from that point on. Every time we were playing it, we were playing on an updated version of 2fort.

IAN CAUGHLEY

It developed as we added more classes with the second version, making it even better with multiple ways to get everywhere.

ROBIN WALKER

Inevitably, each class had sort of a place to be on the map. You've got this case where the classes were molding themselves to fit the map, and the map was molding itself to fit the classes. In retrospect, it didn't surprise us that 2fort was the most popular map. It embodied Team Fortress's gameplay better than anything else.

JOHN COOK

All the classes were balanced around being fun on 2fort, the roles of the classes. The core gameplay evolved at the same time at that map, so it's not a surprise that it worked the best out of all the maps.

ROBIN WALKER

You end up with these relationships between classes and areas. The Sniper needs a place to be. Snipers want to be up above enemies, and have a place to retreat, so the battlements show up. Once the Engineer appears, you think, What's the Engineer's role in this? or Where would Soldiers hang out? You have all these places where classes end up in terms of 3D positions in the map, and we would iterate on those rooms just to make them more fun to be in as a Soldier, or an Engineer, [or other classes].

2fort as seen in Team Fortress Classic, developed using Valve's then-nascent Half-life SDK (software development kit).

JOHN COOK

I don't know how we just decided that it was 2forts facing each other across a bridge. I don't know who builds forts like that in real life, and why it's a '2' instead of 'two.' That's just how it worked, but it worked out well.

Newer fans may be surprised to learn that 2fort was not packaged with Team Fortress right at its humble beginning. Likewise, the idea of fighting over sheets of cloth affixed to poles was a concept that arose shortly after Team Fortress's initial release. Cook and Walker weren't the only ones to take their design in that direction. David "Zoid" Kirsch, creator of the popular Threewave CTF mod, got there first, but players still debate over which implementation was more popular.

ROBIN WALKER

It was the third version when we added Team Fortress map goal support. We never specifically coded Capture the Flag into TF. This was before Threewave [CTF mod], if I recall. The only reason I remember that is because there was this fight online between various fans about who came up with flags first, like it was Quake that had invented flags.

The reason I point this out is because it wasn't clear that Capture the Flag was going to become [the de facto mode of play]. We wanted to build something that hopefully would support [the type of gameplay] people wanted to do.

JOHN COOK

Zoid [Threewave CTF creator David Kirsch] had contracted at id for a while, and that's when we talked with him. He was helping test the new version of Quake World. The new version broke Team Fortress, so he talked to us about that.

ROBIN WALKER

We thought that things like flags could be thought of generically. They could be an object, and the game rules could be encoded by the map maker into the object. Say, if the player touches this, it should be attached to the player; if the player carrying it dies, it should fall to the ground, or maybe it should return back to where it was, or return back to where it was after a certain amount of time—all that sort of stuff.

JOHN COOK

We thought of ourselves as in competition with Threewave. I think Zoid was a lot better at communicating to people. He was friends with all the big Quake sites, and [Threewave] CTF was held up as the most popular Quake mod. It wasn't. It was us. Team Fortress.

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ROBIN WALKER

We wrote some code that started polling all the Quake servers in the world every 15 minutes or so, and left it running for a few weeks. It pulled off data that anyone could pull off a Quake server at that time. The data showed us that there were more people playing TF than Quake itself. More than anything else. That was a shock to us. That was something that caused us to believe we had some hope at doing it professionally.

JOHN COOK

It showed that there were around 2500 people playing Team Fortress, and only 1500 people playing [Threewave].

CTF is simple in concept: Each team defends their flag while waging assaults on the enemy base to steal theirs. For all its versatility, QuakeC made executing such a seemingly straightforward mode quite tricky.

ROBIN WALKER

No one really had a good way to teach anyone things inside of Quake; you could just put text on the screen. One of the positives of TF's map system was that level designers had a lot of power to control exactly how the game played out on their map. One of the negatives was that level designers had lots of power.

What that meant was you might play two maps that both call themselves CTF maps in TF, but they might have subtly different rules.

JOHN COOK

Robin pushed for this, to make it so people could do more with their maps. He spent a lot of time making a system so that the map makers could do a little bit of programming without all the setup and do more interesting things with the maps. That's how you ended up with maps like The Rock and other [gameplay] variants.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I would say about six months in, Robin decided to re-write the code behind the objectives. I think he did most of the design and implementation of this bit on his own, and what he came up with was pretty amazing. He effectively wrote a 4GL language that map builders could use to define map behaviour and objectives and opened up modability like never before.

Now map makers with little coding experience could build games, not just maps. Well, at least within the context of TF. This is when we saw so many more ways to play TF get developed. So many of the game modes that are seen today in FPS were created by map designers using Robin's toolkit.

ROBIN WALKER

If you touch the flag on this one after it falls, it's returned; on the other map, maybe it sits there for 30 seconds and you have to defend it [until it returns to your base]. That was entirely up to the map maker. We unified those decisions across the [CTF] maps we shipped as a way of promoting the rules we thought were best.

JOHN COOK

Robin tried to make a C&C map for Team Fortress. You would get stuff from the enemy base and take it back, and build up structures. These structures would rise out of the ground and power-up your weapons as you [upgraded them], but we hit the wall, technically, on what we could do. In terms of dynamic worlds, Quake wasn't suited to that.

ROBIN WALKER

In particular, I think one thing that confused lots of people who came from Threewave to TF was that in most TF maps, if the enemy dropped your flag somewhere and your team touched it, it didn't return to the starting point. It had a timer above it, and you had to [defend] it where it fell for 20 or 30 seconds; then it would return.

We liked that because it meant that instead of the only place you defend your flag being your starting point, we liked the fact that [defending a dropped flag] caused teams to suddenly have to spring up defense in another place.

2fort as seen in Team Fortress 2.

Team Fortress didn't make its way online until late August of 1996. Once it did, feedback trickled and then flooded in from the mod's growing fan base. Weeks ahead of release, Cook and Walker availed themselves of a more immediate method of feedback.

ROBIN WALKER

At that point, we were having LAN parties, and we'd have games where someone would complain about X, and we'd immediately change X and start the server back up again.

JOHN COOK

We didn't spend tons of time coordinating what stuff we would add. We just went at it as we could, and trusted that we could fix it up on the weekend when we were playing it with other people.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Early on we were all contributing everything. Lots of coding, tweaking the 3D player models, new textures, map design. None of us had great artistic skills, so after the mod had a little initial success, we started getting more art contributions from the other people in the community. This made the game look much more awesome.

ROBIN WALKER

On any given Saturday or Sunday where we'd play for hours, we'd go through several versions of Team Fortress on that day and just keep changing things. Everyone sort of contributed to design ideas. In the later versions of Team Fortress, as they got bigger and bigger, John and I started alternating. On one update, one of us would do 75 percent of the coding and the other one would relax. I don't remember organizing it that way. We just fell into that [routine].

JOHN COOK

I was trying to finish school, get to my second year of classes. Sometimes it would just be: He did the capture-the-flag system, I did the pyro class. We'd sort of bounce back and forth that way, just taking a big piece.

ROBIN WALKER

At that time, I was like any 22-year-old: I thought I was right and that John was totally wrong, and that if he'd stop working on the game it'd turn out so much better. Now I can look back and realize that if not for him, I would have petered out much earlier. The game was better for having two of us with [preferences] for what should be in it.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Modding was such in its early days that the whole community was super interactive and supportive. The first gamers to download and play our game would have been other modders; we were all trying out each other's ideas.

JOHN COOK

Part of the issue was we didn't know anything about source control. I think we were forced not to work on the codebase at the same time because we didn't have a tool to share code.

ROBIN WALKER

There's the old military [proverb]: Strategy never survives contact with the enemy. I think you could adapt that to, 'Game design never survives contact with the player base.' We start shipping updates, players start playing it, and that changes everything. Feedback changes things, ideas change things.

The Scout (left) and Pyro, as seen in TF2.

Thanks to the advent of social media, blogs, YouTube, and indie publishing channels on platforms such as Steam, fans are able to follow nearly every step of a game's development leading up to its release. On August 24, 1996, the date of the initial Team Fortress release, Walker and Cook didn't think of themselves as developers. They had made a mod for a game, and they published it with all the fanfare they felt such an effort deserved.

JOHN COOK

At some point, we put it on cdrom.com. There was no official release.

ROBIN WALKER

The first release just contained Scout, Sniper, Soldier, Demoman, and Medic. We added some stuff that wasn't all Quake. The Medic had a medikit, and the Sniper had a sniper rifle. The rest of them, I'm pretty sure, just used Quake weapons.

JOHN COOK

There was ftp.cdrom.com. He had a directory on the FTP for Quake mods. We had downloaded Quake mods from there, and we were kind of done making Team Fortress with its five classes. We put it up there with a little readme file that said, 'Hey, we made this thing, check it out.'

ROBIN WALKER

We were subscribed to all the Quake C mailing lists, but we didn't really say much. We hadn't really entertained the idea of releasing it. It was written for our LAN parties, so we had a group of Quake players who showed up every couple of weeks and we'd just play it. Those were our core customers and play testers for quite a while.

JOHN COOK

We kind of forgot about it until people emailed us and said, 'This is pretty fun. Are you going to do any updates?' We said, 'Oh, sure. If people like it.'

ROBIN WALKER

The initial Team Fortress, at least for the first few versions, you played on Quake deathmatch maps. There weren't flags or anything because there weren't maps built with the idea of [CTF] in mind.

JOHN COOK

It was more that we found [ftp.cdrom.com] useful because we were doing our own mods, so we would give back to the community. We put new versions up and mailed the people who had written us [to let them know]. We got some more play-time in, and more people kept mailing us to the point where we built a website for it and hosted it off the university. It was a very organic process.

ROBIN WALKER

I think our allergy to self-promotion was true, even back then, and I think it absolutely hurt the rate at which the game was adopted. Something about the two of us even then, we just really didn't like the idea of promoting what we did.

JOHN COOK

You downloaded maps separately. We thought about how Quake had this ecosystem of mods coming online. We thought about maps in the same way. We wanted it to be that people would find good maps, instead of ours shutting down other people from making and playing other maps.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I think the way Quake worked was that you installed mods separately from how you chose your map. So, you could effectively play TF on any map, but only TF maps would link to our objective system. But we were very open about how to write a TF map, and collaborated with other map makers as much as we could.

I'm reasonably sure that once we had done the big objective code re-write, we didn't do much of our own map making from that point forward. Other map makers were better at it than us, and we were too busy playing their maps.

JOHN COOK

In hindsight, that was silly, but that was the idea: Here's the game, and you can get the maps separately. We put the maps up separately from the game, so it was almost an invitation for people to make their own maps.

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At first, Cook and Walker were as bemused by the attention as they were delighted. Learning how to promote their efforts proved more difficult for them than building the mod.

ROBIN WALKER

We pretty quickly started focusing on what people were saying online, what they wanted. But we still weren't thinking of ourselves as [professionals]. If you'd asked us then, 'Are you guys game developers?' or 'Do you work in the games industry?' we would have said no. That never even occurred to me.

JOHN COOK

I think we're still learning how to [self-promote]. We were proud of the product and thought it should speak for itself. We know now that doing that is doing an injustice to a product. If it's good, it's worth telling lots of people about, telling people why you're excited about it. It's just not quite in our nature. Even though you know it's worth telling people about, you also know it's a bunch of work for you, a bunch of socializing.

ROBIN WALKER

Even as a kid, playing Way of the Exploding Fist, which was a game that I just loved and played the hell out of--it would start up with a Melbourne House logo, and I never connected the dot that Melbourne House meant Melbourne, the city near me. The games industry to me seemed like it was in the UK, and to a lesser extent, the US. The UK dominated it. I had a BBC and a Commodore 64 later on, and everyone making games seemed to be all over Europe.

JOHN COOK

As more people kept contacting us, we got more interested in making it. Just knowing people are consuming your work and going and playing with it was pretty awesome.

ROBIN WALKER

In that period from 1996 to [2004 when Steam shipped], as a mod maker, your biggest problem was, fundamentally, distribution. You could make a really good game, but you didn't have a good way to get it to customers in a way where they could give you money in return. You could put it online and people could download it, but if you decided you wanted to sell it, there wasn't an opportunity for you. There was this narrow window we went through.

"Another Gabe thing was, 'Deliver all your value as fast as possible. If you have value in this Team Fortress but it's not being delivered to our customers, fix that. Get it in there for them.'" -John Cook

IAN CAUGHLEY

The guy who was writing the story for Kanon also produced the TF promo movie which I think was the first FPS promo to have classical music as its track instead of heavy metal. It was pretty awesome at the time, and I think influenced future music choices across the industry.

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ROBIN WALKER

Once things like Steam appeared and you no longer needed a publisher to connect to a whole bunch of publishers... It wasn't just Steam. Really, the whole Internet just got to a point where a whole bunch of people were buying [products] through it. If we had done what we did four years later, we would never have gone to Valve, because I think we would have been far more convinced we could have done it ourselves. It all seems incredibly naive to me in retrospect.

John and I have talked since about how much we threaded the needle in life. That the path we followed didn't exist before Quake, and it was a path that ended not long afterwards.

IAN CAUGHLEY

We were having a lot of fun playing it, so I guess we weren't so surprised that people liked it. The wonderment was more around how fast the word of mouth could travel and how fast a TF community developed within the Quake one.

It was also very awesome that we could effectively develop our game iteratively. Companies do it all the time now with early access, but it was a new concept back then for games. I guess that's because games still came from ships, but mods came from the net, so in a way the free mod market back then was the pre-cursor to the modern online game markets.

Looking back now, I should be surprised how many people donated their time and artwork to the game, but like I said, there was lots of sharing within the modding communities.

JOHN COOK

At some point, some game developers started contacting us, including Activision. They said, 'We love your game. Let us know what you guys are doing next.' I think they assumed a level of professionalism that was not there. But that did make us think, oh, maybe there are some real opportunities here.

Originally packaged as part of Valve's Orange Box bundle in 2007, Team Fortress 2 continues on as a free-to-play title.

Platforms

Walker's and Cook's proficiency in game design and in wrangling QuakeC grew in parallel to the Quake community's enthusiasm for Team Fortress. With more experience came more ambitious character classes and styles of play.

JOHN COOK

By the time the Engineer was added, it was later in the cycle. We were a little more thoughtful about the product at that point.

ROBIN WALKER

The sentry gun came from a love of Aliens. Everyone loved aliens. They started as a concept: 'Oh, man, we've got to have that in the game.' But the Engineer, which we didn't get to until later, is a much more rounded concept than that.

JOHN COOK

We really wanted to make [a class] that was easier for a non-hardcore FPS player to play. Between that and a lot of playing Command & Conquer, we decided building structures would be a fun thing. From there we just tried a bunch of ideas, and the dispenser and sentry gun came up.

The Engineer was a lot of fun to make. The sentry turret felt like we were doing something that had never been done before in an FPS, and it had all these implications on map design and game balance beyond just adding a character with a new gun.

ROBIN WALKER

We understood that the Engineer was a class that should exist to draw in people who wanted to be in combat and have an impact, but didn't necessarily want to do it directly. Maybe they don't have the aiming skills they would like, or maybe they just want to spend more time thinking about which way enemies would be coming in, and where enemies would get to, and exploit that.

The sentry gun was a tool to serve game design problems we were interested in solving, which I don't think is how we started out. That's game design: Things you want to do come from all over the place.

JOHN COOK

Balancing got easier as it took off on the Internet because you could just go play with other people and see what they were doing, and make changes appropriately. Just because of the situation, we were very comfortable updating live, basically.

ROBIN WALKER

The Spy is a perfect example of [design ideas] coming from lots of different places. If I remember correctly, the Spy came from a bug. For a while, we had a bug that made players appear like they were on the other team. There's a chunk of code responsible for making sure you're the right color and the right skin, depending on the team and class you picked. At some point we had bugs where players would look like they were the wrong class or the wrong team.

Somewhere amidst all that, as we worked on fixing it, we thought, Hey, that might be an interesting idea for a class.

JOHN COOK

It was, 'Okay, we'll just do a big update, and some customers will like it and some won't.' We could take a lot of risks by just updating [the game].

QTF's Spy, looking dapper.

ROBIN WALKER

We did an obvious set of things. The Spy should be able to look like any class. At that point we had target ID: When you mouse over a teammate, you get info about their name and health and so on; Spies needed to be able to fake all of that. The Spy was a nightmare to code. There are so many exceptions in the code that exist just for the Spy. There were a bunch of things we could do in TF that were kind of hard to do in Quake, the big one being that if you were a Spy on team red disguised as an enemy on team blue, then team blue players saw you as team blue, but team red players also saw you as on team blue.

That meant your own teammates saw you as an enemy. The number of times we'd see new players trying to kill a Spy only to be confused because, hey, this guy's not taking any damage, and how did this enemy get into our spawn area? We fought that as much as we could in Quake.

JOHN COOK

Eventually we did beta releases, but at the start, a lot of it was just, okay, let's make some logical guesses about gameplay changes and see what happens.

ROBIN WALKER

The Spy invented this whole other concept: Everywhere you've got a piece of code that says, 'Is the player I just shot, or bumped into, or am looking at, or whatever—is that player on my team? If so, do this. If not, do that. Or, is it on my team but disguised as being on the enemy team?' Those are exceptions you have to think about, and in some cases, code, because any of them could be a giveaway.

JOHN COOK

You play, and you watch other people play, and you see how they're actually using [items]. You have some creative process afterwards to take that data and turn it into something actionable. Like, okay, they're using it or not using it in certain situations: Why is that? You come up with a theory for that, and come up with an idea for a [solution]. You say, 'Okay, here's a more fun way to do the same thing.'

ROBIN WALKER

One of my favorite things with the Spy, which is one of the dumbest, simplest tricks, was running backwards. One of the mini-games we'd play in our one-on-one deathmatches was to run backwards. I don't know why. We played a lot of Quake, so we just tried everything. We'd do one-on-one deathmatches where you were only allowed to move backwards. You had to run past your [opponent] to be able to shoot at them, and then circle around them.

It was a strange way of playing, but fun. You'd play the map so well that you could get across lava jumps and [other obstacles] just by jumping backwards because you knew where everything was, you'd played it so damn much.

Over 1996, Team Fortress garnered more attention from players. The transition from tinkerer to developer happened so quickly that it took Cook's and Walker's mutual friend, Ian Caughley, to point it out, and to suggest taking the next big step.

ROBIN WALKER

Quake 2 was coming out, so the expectation was that Quake 1 was going to die, or was going to [lose support] in some way.

JOHN COOK

We had another friend at college who had just a little bit of money. He said, 'We should all start a company.' This was Ian; he was the third co-founder.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I was only part-time since I was completing my second degree. I was still coding and designing, helped a bunch on the promo. I was also doing a lot of managing of third parties that were providing art, sound and music. Also, importantly, I was paying the rent and buying the food.

ROBIN WALKER

Ian's super fun to work with and a smart guy, a good programmer. There wasn't any good reason that he didn't work on Team Fortress that much, other than that most of that work was happening at our flat where it was just John and me, so we could share code easily between the two of us. When we started working on TF for Quake 2, [Ian joined in].

JOHN COOK

Ian said, 'We should start a games company and make games because we have an opportunity.' We said, 'Yeah, sure, that sounds cool.'

IAN CAUGHLEY

It just felt like the natural progression. I don't think we delusions of making it big, but we thought we could make some good games people would pay for. We started working on our TF2 which would have much more map interaction and a setting more grounded in reality, and a game called Kanon which was to be a story driven team based co-op.

We also kept improving TF, supporting the map builders and adding better art, and put it out as 'donateware,' which made us tens of dollars.

ROBIN WALKER

I guess another factor was we did a donation drive, and a lot of people donated to us. The primary reason we did that was just because people kept telling us they wanted to donate. Just the fact that people wanted to do it, and then followed through and did it, made us also feel like, hey, maybe we should be doing more.

IAN CAUGHLEY

We had no idea how to monetise what we had. I can think of much better ideas now, and those at Valve giggle at those ideas as small-time.

ROBIN WALKER

In retrospect, looking back: Oh my god, we didn't know what the hell we were doing. We were so screwed. If Valve hadn't bought us out, I think we would have failed massively.

Immediately after joining Valve full-time, Walker and Cook helped the team finish Half-life's multiplayer modes.

The roadmap for Team Fortress was simple: id was developing Quake 2, so the trio of Team Fortress Software would break ground on Team Fortress 2 tailor-made for the Quake 2 engine. Fans weren't the only ones interested in seeing what lay in store for the mod.

ROBIN WALKER

I don't have any recollection of us [receiving interest from] anyone in the Australian games industry. It was a big, successful place, I guess. I just managed to avoid it. It was strange.

I got interviewed by one of the main Australian newspapers a few years later. They ran with the only quote they got from me in the end, which was, 'We never heard from anyone in the Australian games industry.' They used it as a damning statement; I didn't mean in that way. It did seem like everything interesting was happening around Quake, first-person shooters, and online.

JOHN COOK

Scott Lynch reached out. He saw an opportunity for Half-life to be like Quake where it would be a good platform for mods and to build things. He had this idea that Team Fortress 2 could be a mod that was sold for both Quake 2 and for Half-life, because Half-life was supposed to come out around the same time as Quake 2, which it did not, obviously.

ROBIN WALKER

We got interest from a bunch of publishers who were interested in what we were planning to do next. We did some contract work for EA or Activision on some games. We built a version of Quake for arcades for a company. They wanted to build an arcade box that played Quake, and take it over to id to see if they could get id's blessing to manufacture them. We wrote software for them so you could play through Quake through a timed mode. We did a bunch of random pieces like that while working on the Quake 2 version of TF.

JOHN COOK

The Valve guys liked the idea of us coming in and co-working with them to educate them on what makes a good modding platform. What do mod makers need and look for in a game engine that makes it able to be modded extensively?

ROBIN WALKER

I think the main difference between them and everyone else who had talked to us--we'd by then sort of gotten used to publishers mailing us to say 'Hey, we're interested in doing X and Y,' and those turning into long email threads that never went anywhere--the difference was that within a few days, maybe overnight, us saying, 'Yeah, we're interested,' and Valve replying back to say, 'Okay, here are your plane tickets. Let's do this.'

TFC, created as a feature of and selling point for Half-life's multiplayer offerings.

Walker and Cook packed their bags and headed to Seattle to meet the powers that be at Valve. Although there was some buzz around Half-life, meeting with Gabe Newell and the folks at Valve was like being set up on a blind date.

ROBIN WALKER

At the time when Valve contacted us, no one knew anything about them. There was a small number of screenshots of Half-life. So, they were working on stuff, but no one really new anything about them at this point. We probably had more visibility to Ritual, who was working on Sin at the time, which looked much cooler [than Half-life]. There was more media out for it.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Everyone was very excited about Half-life coming out and knew Valve from the promos. Then they offered us free flights, free accommodation, and three seats for three months at Valve. It blew our little modder minds.

JOHN COOK

When we first came over, it was March of '98, so they were working on Half-life. We co-worked with them for three months.

ROBIN WALKER

Ian, John, and I sat in a room at Valve and worked on porting over Team Fortress. I think we showed up and said, 'Hey, we've been working on this thing we're calling Team Fortress 2 for Quake 2. Instead of porting Team Fortress, why don't we bring Team Fortress 2 over?'

I think they were happy with that, so we started working on Team Fortress 2—the first version. If you asked me to recap all the versions, I'd need to spend some serious time thinking.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Valve wanted the next thing we did, be it TF2 or something else, to be built on their engine, and they saw the best way to make that happen was to put us on the floor with the Half-life folks. We never felt like they wanted to influence what we were building, just how we were building it. They were a bit busy with their own game, and Valve was helping us with lots of connections, too. They introduced us to Sierra to look at publishing and to their lawyers so that Sierra didn't do us over.

JOHN COOK

The idea was we would work on Team Fortress 2 for Quake 2 and for Half-life. They'd interact with us, sort of see what was there.

IAN CAUGHLEY

It was an odd combination of fun loving and hard working. Everyone was super friendly and did lots of things together. Everybody spent a lot of time at the office, but there was some game playing, but mostly work. Lots of the people there were working for reduced wages and shares in company, so everyone was very success focused.

I remember when a box full StarCraft games turned up, it created a slight dip in productivity. Even though we were clearly only working at Valve, not for Valve, they were very open about everything they were doing.

Compared to more public industry figureheads like John Carmack and John Romero, Valve Software co-founder Gabe Newell was an enigma. He stepped out from behind his wizard's curtain to talk with Cook, Walker, and Caughley about the future of Team Fortress and games as a platform. The long-time friends did more than listen. They were mesmerized.

JOHN COOK

Gabe used to talk about eSports back then. He'd say, 'We want arenas of people cheering on people playing your game.' He was thinking so far ahead. It was dizzying in a lot of ways.

ROBIN WALKER

Gabe is like that. The world will never, sadly, be able to fully understand him. For years I just sort of assumed that all CEOs, people who had managed to achieve the things he's managed to achieve, were lucky.

JOHN COOK

He was certainly intimidating to work with. What of his first questions to us, during the first lunch we were having after flying in from Australia, was, 'So, tell me what's fun about team play?' We just looked stunned at each other. The notion of breaking down elements like that hadn't occurred to us yet. I probably still couldn't tell you what's fun about team play. So, he was challenging, but he understood the future.

ROBIN WALKER

I've since met many CEOs, very big people in terms of what they've achieved, but Gabe remains a really interesting fellow.

youtube

JOHN COOK

Valve basically was taking advantage of Quake's modding ecosystem to hire people. They were looking for anyone who had made anything interesting with Quake, and with other games, but Quake was certainly a focus. They were one of the earliest companies to look on the Internet for people doing interesting things, and try to hire them.

Gabe, specifically, had a lot of admiration for Carmack had made it so other people could add value to his game. That was something he wanted to capture himself. Gabe worked at Microsoft, and he'd worked on Windows for a long time. All the thinking over there was about platforms. You're making a platform that lets developers quickly add value to customers, and lets customers communicate back to developers. That's what he wanted games to be.

ROBIN WALKER

He's an intellectual force. There's no one quite like him. I love working with him for that reason. He's a pretty amazing guy.

JOHN COOK

We didn't have the high-level thought of, Maybe we'll end up working here. We were way too naive to think of that. But the entire time we were there, they were actually interviewing us pretty heavily. I look back and realize, 'That was actually an interview question this person was asking me.'

IAN CAUGHLEY

At the end of the day, I suspect it was a three-month job interview; we just didn't know it.

Once it dawned on Walker, Caughley, and Cook that they had been going through an extended interview process, the next step seemed logical.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Valve was being very smart, in my humble opinion, and using the modding community as a way to find people who were thinking outside the box, were self-driven and had skills. They were offering jobs to many of the top names in the scene.

It was a bit unfortunate for them that we had incorporated. They could have just offered us jobs, but I think they wanted to do right by us, and didn't want to just discard the work we had done. They basically gave us back pay to when we started the business and we gave them the rights to TF.

ROBIN WALKER

About a month and a half into that, they said, 'We've watched you guys work. We're interested in just buying you guys out if you're up for it, and you would stay here.' We took them up on their offer, obviously.

IAN CAUGHLEY

It came completely out of the blue to us. We had been talking to a lawyer one week earlier when they asked if we had plans to sell the business. The idea had never occurred to us that we be planning to sell, or that anyone would want to buy it.

JOHN COOK

Gabe called us all into his office and said, 'We like working with you guys, and it seems like you like working with us. We should make this a permanent deal. What do you think?' I thought, Fuck yeah. Yes.

Meet the Team: All of TFC's classes sporting blue duds.

ROBIN WALKER

In retrospect, based on everything I've done since, whenever we say, 'Hey, come work at Valve for a little while,' we're asking you to do that because we think seeing you work is the single best way to find out if we want to hire you.

JOHN COOK

It was good, too, because we had no idea what we were doing with our game company. It's very different experience when you're saying, 'We're going to build this and make money.' There's a lot more to think about [when you run a company] than just, 'I'm going to make the game better and see if people like it.'

ROBIN WALKER

I've never worked anywhere else besides NEC, my company [TF Software], and Valve, so it's hard for me to speak to the rest of the games industry. Valve was a concentrate of the smartest bunch of people I'd ever met in my life. I remember having a couple of thoughts.

One, I didn't realize people could be that smart. That's sort of a goofy thing to say, I guess, but I'd never met people who seemed to be so good at thinking through the problems they're working on. And not just one or two people, but sitting in a room where there was a whole group of them. I learned more in that first month or so at Valve than I had in years prior.

JOHN COOK

I was struck because I'd never met people that smart before. I didn't even know people that smart existed in the world. I was just blown away. I was always the best programmer in the vicinity all the time.

ROBIN WALKER

My first several years at Valve were ones where I got addicted to self-improvement. I met people who made me want to be better. I'd never had such a strong desire to get better at something, because I guess I'd never realized what I could aspire to. That was the truth of it. I'd never met a group of people who made me want to get better.

For years, I got addicted to be able to look back to a year earlier and say, 'Holy crap, I was an idiot. I didn't realize how much I didn't know.' I tried to drain as much knowledge out of these people as I possibly could.

JOHN COOK

Suddenly, here are these people at a whole new level. I must continue to work with these people and learn from them, because this is like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Like his friends, Caughley was having a blast at Valve, but turned down Valve's offer. As much as he enjoyed working on Team Fortress, his path in software development amicably diverged.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I had a girl and a city that I loved and wanted to come home to. I was also felt like everyone there was amazing, and I wasn't quite amazing enough. They didn't make me feel that way; it was just me.

They were nice enough to print Caughley the tool down the side of the Engineer's spanner in TF Classic, both imortalising me into the game, and [good-humoredly] letting me know what they thought of my decision to not stay.

Walker and Cook became full-time developers at Valve Software in early 1998, roughly eight months before Half-life was due to ship out to stores. Both developers jumped in with both feet, helping tidy up loose ends on Valve's to-do list. Once the game was more or less complete, they turned their attention to revamping Team Fortress in the form of Team Fortress Classic, a version customized for Half-life's more robust engine and feature set.

JOHN COOK

After Half-life shipped, we spent some time thinking about what was next. Really, we were thinking about how to make the Half-life SDK as good as possible. One of the things we realized was, if there's not enough people playing the game multiplayer, Half-life is not going to be a good platform to make mods on.

ROBIN WALKER

We, along with other people at Valve, helped build their SDK. We did the work, and there were many of our ideas [incorporated into the product]. Half-life's multiplayer [deathmatch] was still in development. We helped out there.

Cook's and Walker's efforts on Half-life's SDK made modifications like Counter-Strike possible.

JOHN COOK

Even if the tech was good, there needed to be an active customer base. Half-life's deathmatch itself wasn't that popular. We said, 'We have this valuable property in Team Fortress. We should get that working in Half-life and bring those customers over to introduce them to this game mode that we think is really fun.'

ROBIN WALKER

The Valve guys had all been thinking about single-player, so we collaborated with them on multiplayer. From there on out, it was Robin and me being a part of figuring out, how does multiplayer work? How does the SDK work? We were part of all that.

JOHN COOK

We looked at all that Quake C code and said, 'We can't rewrite all this from scratch. It would take too long.' I sort of get teased at work for my initial estimate: 'Oh, man, we could probably do this in three or four weeks.' I think it took us three months.

ROBIN WALKER

At that point, we'd been working with Quake for years. As any programmer will tell you, if you spend two years with a product with a bunch of code, being play tested by thousands of people around the world, you fix a ton of bugs. If you decide to go and rewrite that, you have to be careful. You'll write cleaner code, but in all the places where the code is cleaner, you've actually not brought over bug fixes and design changes that were nonobvious and made the game better.

JOHN COOK

But that was part of making the SDK as successful as possible. I feel like that was a good move, because out of that came Counter-Strike. Without that, without the level of people playing multiplayer in Half-life [and Team Fortress Classic], I don't think Counter-Strike would have been made, or it would have been made for some other game platform.

The decision [had] two tracks: We're going to make Team Fortress 2, and we're going to make the game's multiplayer environment as good as possible, because that would in turn create opportunities. Another Gabe thing was, 'Deliver all your value as fast as possible. If you have value in this Team Fortress but it's not being delivered to our customers, fix that. Get it in there for them.' That was really it.

David Ogilvy is regarded as the father of modern advertising. In 1968, he published a paper on management principles in which he wrote, If you ever find a man who is better than you are - hire him. If necessary, pay him more than you would pay yourself. Another popular story goes that Ogilvy once gifted each of his company directors with a set of Russian nesting dolls.

Opening the dolls one by one, the directors found a note folded in the smallest doll that read, If you always hire people who are smaller than you, we shall become a company of dwarfs. If, on the other hand, you always hire people who are bigger than you, we shall become a company of giants.

Reflecting on their journey, Walker and Cook agreed that it was the prospect of surrounding themselves with giants that attracted them to Valve more than the chance to continue developing Team Fortress games.

"One of our fears in that conversation was, 'If we can't get some kind of similar development process, our games will be worse than all these mods.'" -Robin Walker

The many twists and turns of 2fort, as seen in TFC.

JOHN COOK

I was always impressed by the community scene that emerged, especially the clan players. There was a lot of really smart players organizing games, battling rivals and just making the game better. Great players are what make a multiplayer game great.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Three things. First, as new games were developed after TF, I felt it was clear that our game had a reasonably significant influence on the design of FPS games. I think we showed that the community wanted more from multiplayer FPS than just deathmatch, that they could work as teams and wanted to, and game developers saw that and built games for those players. We showed that players wanted more interesting goals than killing everyone, they wanted to work out strategies and work as a team to put them into action. And now we have games like the amazing Overwatch and team MOBAs.

Second, people are still playing TF—Team Fortress 2 counts—and we're coming up to our 20-year birthday.

Third, it took Valve 10 years to come out with TF2, and when it came out, it was very similar to the original. I know they went through a lot of iterations to get there, and it was amazing to see them decide that the original had so many things right.

ROBIN WALKER

I'm a realist. I think there are people who want to say that things got created because a specific kind of person was really smart. I look at TF, and so much of it seems really obvious, and so much of it comes from lots of people. TF is a huge bundle of things, and in some cases, we were people who created things that other people proposed. It's hard to know where we started and where TF began.

I remember a conversation with Gabe [Newell] and a bunch of people at Valve, not long after we joined Valve. I can't remember who proposed the theory, but there was this idea that game developers were all going to lose to the mod community. That the mod community had done more iteration on game design through its sheer number of people, in a couple of years of [playing and creating mods for] Quake, than the games industry had done for years prior.

It wasn't that they were smarter than the game developers; it's that they had a fundamentally better method for creating games. Iterating in public, iterating in front of your customers, was a fundamentally superior way of doing games.

One of our fears in that conversation was, 'If we can't get some kind of similar development process, our games will be worse than all these mods.' I think that was accurate. Today, game developers don't necessarily choose to take advantage of that [style], but we have the opportunity to build products in the way that mod makers were building them for Quake and the games that followed. You can see a huge amount of innovation that happened as a result of that.

There was this period of time where a ton of people, far more than John, Ian, and I, were channeling their thoughts into a bucket for Team Fortress. It was super fun to be a part of that.

Last December, Shacknews published Rocket Jump: Quake and the Golden Age of First-Person Shooters, David L. Craddock's book-sized account of the making of id Software's Quake franchise and other influential FPS games from the 1990s. Presented unabridged, the following chapter comes from the full edition of Rocket Jump, available in full for Mercury subscribers and available to pre-order in hardcover and digital formats from crowdfunding publisher/platform Unbound.

Threading the Needle: The Making of Quake Team Fortress published first on https://superworldrom.tumblr.com/

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Text

Threading the Needle: The Making of Quake Team Fortress

Robin Walker. (Image courtesy of PC Gamer.)

Any Town, Australia

ROBIN WALKER [co-creator of Team Fortress, programmer/designer at Valve, 1998-]

For perspective, John and I met when we were five or six years old.

JOHN COOK [co-creator of Team Fortress, programmer at Valve 1998-2016, founder of Sodium, 2016-]

ROBIN WALKER

We grew up in the same town of 800 people. We went to primary school, high school, and college together.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

Then when we got to Valve, we immediately moved to opposite ends of the company. We're like, 'This is great, but you need to get away from me.' It was a mutually agreed upon separation.

JOHN COOK

Raven Software's Hexen, sequel to Heretic, let players choose between three archetype classes, each with unique weapons and powers.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

Whatever code needs to be written, I've enjoyed it, which has served me very well. It's made it so I can enjoy myself while working on any part of [development].

JOHN COOK

A BBC Micro computer.

Party Scene

ROBIN WALKER

John and I were both doing computer science at RMIT, the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology. It's a really fancy name, but it's a tech college. I couldn't deal with college very well.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY [co-creator, Team Fortress]

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

"Just the fact that people wanted to do it, and then followed through and did it, made us also feel like, hey, maybe we should be doing more." -Robin Walker

ROBIN WALKER

I remember, in those early days, being one of the only people who used the mouse, so playing on Ziggurat Vertigo was awesome. It was an exercise in cruelty.

JOHN COOK

He would have been using the mouse in Doom first. By the time Quake came around, it was all mouse [and keyboard].

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

The Internet really wasn't that good for multiplayer games at the time. We just had dial-up, so it was too slow for Doom and Quake being popular, and Diablo was the other [popular] one.

"Fortress," a custom Doom map, influenced the design of Team Fortress. (Doom on Xbox 360 shown.)

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

I remember when the demos of Quake first came out, none of us had the hardware to run it properly. We were all huddled around a machine playing it at like 320x200 pixels in the middle of the screen.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

But it wasn't really till Quake came out as the most moddable game to date, thanks to QuakeC, that we saw the potential to make the team-versus-team game we wanted to play.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

QuakeC.

Class Warfare

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

We were super impressed by the extra layer of strategy that the game added. It's hard to remember how basic FPSes were back then in terms of the gameplay options that were available.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

It was a super rudimentary way of making a choice about loadout, but we played a lot of that and really liked it.

JOHN COOK

(Quake) Team Fortress.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

[Author's note: On December 11, 2017, one week after Rocket Jump was published, I finally tracked down the Doom Fortress map that inspired Walker, Caughley, and Cook. You can download it here.]

ROBIN WALKER

The first couple of versions of Team Fortress didn't have teams. It was pure deathmatch.

IAN CAUGHLEY

The weapons of the first classes were all based on existing Quake weapons. We just tweaked them to adjust damage.

JOHN COOK

We made someone who had a rocket launcher, because the rocket launcher in Quake was awesome. We made the Scout, the Sniper, the Heavy Weapons Guy.

Deathmatch in Quake.

ROBIN WALKER

A lot of stuff in TF didn't come from game design. The Heavy Weapons Guy and his assault cannon came from Predator. It was an amazing movie; we loved it.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

We did the thought experiment to learn how to apply the fortress, but decided not to do it. We decided to do it later. That's always the way you decide not to do things: You decide to do them later.

ROBIN WALKER

We played a lot of Dungeons & Dragons like everyone else, so we thought [character] classes made a lot of sense. We also had a bunch of different people at our LAN parties, too.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

These games also had your typical rock-paper-scissors mechanics and taught us that each class would need both strengths and weakness as well as easy kills and nemeses.

ROBIN WALKER

youtube

JOHN COOK

The order that the classes are listed in the menu is the order in which they were built, to give you an idea of when things came on. We released five classes originally.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

There was a lot of stuff that was emergent, like being able to blow yourself across the map with a concussion grenade.

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

Plus, it turned out that area denial is not that fun in FPS games. Running through areas is fun, but having a grenade that sets a whole area on fire for half a minute is not a good gameplay idea.

Working in QuakeC, Cook and Walker rejiggered Quake's grenade launcher as a flamethrower for the Pyro class.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

QTF's Demolitions Man.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

If you wanted to tell someone they were on fire, you just printed a message to the screen: 'You are on fire.' That's literally what we did.

ROBIN WALKER

So, on a flag, item 'nails' is a piece of data that will store a data that means a completely different thing: the skin that should be shown when it's dropped by a red team member.

All classes in QTF sporting red-team colors.

JOHN COOK

"It came completely out of the blue to us. The idea had never occurred to us that we be planning to sell, or that anyone would want to buy it." -Ian Caughley

ROBIN WALKER

The code was such a mess because there's all that kind of stuff where you're stuffing things that mean [something different] into pre-existing variables, and the variable names are all misleading.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

If you have a LAN party where a bunch of people come over, you play the game and see what's fun, and make it better.

ROBIN WALKER

A view of the blue team's base from high atop red's fortifications in the classic 2fort map for QTF.

2 forts

ROBIN WALKER

At some point, we shipped our first map. I want to say that was the third release, but I'm not super sure.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

ROBIN WALKER

CTF and 2fort had such a symbiotic relationship for the longest time. We really only had one map for some period of time; we were simultaneously making the game using the map, and making the map.

JOHN COOK

2fort was basically the map which Team Fortress was developed on from that point on. Every time we were playing it, we were playing on an updated version of 2fort.

IAN CAUGHLEY

It developed as we added more classes with the second version, making it even better with multiple ways to get everywhere.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

2fort as seen in Team Fortress Classic, developed using Valve's then-nascent Half-life SDK (software development kit).

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

youtube

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

It showed that there were around 2500 people playing Team Fortress, and only 1500 people playing [Threewave].

ROBIN WALKER

What that meant was you might play two maps that both call themselves CTF maps in TF, but they might have subtly different rules.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

2fort as seen in Team Fortress 2.

ROBIN WALKER

At that point, we were having LAN parties, and we'd have games where someone would complain about X, and we'd immediately change X and start the server back up again.

JOHN COOK

We didn't spend tons of time coordinating what stuff we would add. We just went at it as we could, and trusted that we could fix it up on the weekend when we were playing it with other people.

IAN CAUGHLEY

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

Part of the issue was we didn't know anything about source control. I think we were forced not to work on the codebase at the same time because we didn't have a tool to share code.

ROBIN WALKER

The Scout (left) and Pyro, as seen in TF2.

JOHN COOK

At some point, we put it on cdrom.com. There was no official release.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

We kind of forgot about it until people emailed us and said, 'This is pretty fun. Are you going to do any updates?' We said, 'Oh, sure. If people like it.'

ROBIN WALKER

The initial Team Fortress, at least for the first few versions, you played on Quake deathmatch maps. There weren't flags or anything because there weren't maps built with the idea of [CTF] in mind.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

youtube

At first, Cook and Walker were as bemused by the attention as they were delighted. Learning how to promote their efforts proved more difficult for them than building the mod.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

As more people kept contacting us, we got more interested in making it. Just knowing people are consuming your work and going and playing with it was pretty awesome.

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

youtube

ROBIN WALKER

John and I have talked since about how much we threaded the needle in life. That the path we followed didn't exist before Quake, and it was a path that ended not long afterwards.

IAN CAUGHLEY

Looking back now, I should be surprised how many people donated their time and artwork to the game, but like I said, there was lots of sharing within the modding communities.

JOHN COOK

Originally packaged as part of Valve's Orange Box bundle in 2007, Team Fortress 2 continues on as a free-to-play title.

Platforms

JOHN COOK

By the time the Engineer was added, it was later in the cycle. We were a little more thoughtful about the product at that point.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

Somewhere amidst all that, as we worked on fixing it, we thought, Hey, that might be an interesting idea for a class.

JOHN COOK

It was, 'Okay, we'll just do a big update, and some customers will like it and some won't.' We could take a lot of risks by just updating [the game].

QTF's Spy, looking dapper.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

Eventually we did beta releases, but at the start, a lot of it was just, okay, let's make some logical guesses about gameplay changes and see what happens.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

Quake 2 was coming out, so the expectation was that Quake 1 was going to die, or was going to [lose support] in some way.

JOHN COOK

We had another friend at college who had just a little bit of money. He said, 'We should all start a company.' This was Ian; he was the third co-founder.

IAN CAUGHLEY

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

Ian said, 'We should start a games company and make games because we have an opportunity.' We said, 'Yeah, sure, that sounds cool.'

IAN CAUGHLEY

We also kept improving TF, supporting the map builders and adding better art, and put it out as 'donateware,' which made us tens of dollars.

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

We had no idea how to monetise what we had. I can think of much better ideas now, and those at Valve giggle at those ideas as small-time.

ROBIN WALKER

In retrospect, looking back: Oh my god, we didn't know what the hell we were doing. We were so screwed. If Valve hadn't bought us out, I think we would have failed massively.

Immediately after joining Valve full-time, Walker and Cook helped the team finish Half-life's multiplayer modes.

ROBIN WALKER

I don't have any recollection of us [receiving interest from] anyone in the Australian games industry. It was a big, successful place, I guess. I just managed to avoid it. It was strange.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

TFC, created as a feature of and selling point for Half-life's multiplayer offerings.

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

When we first came over, it was March of '98, so they were working on Half-life. We co-worked with them for three months.

ROBIN WALKER

I think they were happy with that, so we started working on Team Fortress 2—the first version. If you asked me to recap all the versions, I'd need to spend some serious time thinking.

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

The idea was we would work on Team Fortress 2 for Quake 2 and for Half-life. They'd interact with us, sort of see what was there.

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

Gabe used to talk about eSports back then. He'd say, 'We want arenas of people cheering on people playing your game.' He was thinking so far ahead. It was dizzying in a lot of ways.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

I've since met many CEOs, very big people in terms of what they've achieved, but Gabe remains a really interesting fellow.

youtube

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

He's an intellectual force. There's no one quite like him. I love working with him for that reason. He's a pretty amazing guy.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

At the end of the day, I suspect it was a three-month job interview; we just didn't know it.

Once it dawned on Walker, Caughley, and Cook that they had been going through an extended interview process, the next step seemed logical.

IAN CAUGHLEY

ROBIN WALKER

IAN CAUGHLEY

JOHN COOK

Meet the Team: All of TFC's classes sporting blue duds.

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

Suddenly, here are these people at a whole new level. I must continue to work with these people and learn from them, because this is like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Like his friends, Caughley was having a blast at Valve, but turned down Valve's offer. As much as he enjoyed working on Team Fortress, his path in software development amicably diverged.

IAN CAUGHLEY

I had a girl and a city that I loved and wanted to come home to. I was also felt like everyone there was amazing, and I wasn't quite amazing enough. They didn't make me feel that way; it was just me.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

Cook's and Walker's efforts on Half-life's SDK made modifications like Counter-Strike possible.

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

ROBIN WALKER

JOHN COOK

"One of our fears in that conversation was, 'If we can't get some kind of similar development process, our games will be worse than all these mods.'" -Robin Walker

The many twists and turns of 2fort, as seen in TFC.

JOHN COOK

IAN CAUGHLEY

Second, people are still playing TF—Team Fortress 2 counts—and we're coming up to our 20-year birthday.

ROBIN WALKER

There was this period of time where a ton of people, far more than John, Ian, and I, were channeling their thoughts into a bucket for Team Fortress. It was super fun to be a part of that.

Last December, Shacknews published Rocket Jump: Quake and the Golden Age of First-Person Shooters, David L. Craddock's book-sized account of the making of id Software's Quake franchise and other influential FPS games from the 1990s. Presented unabridged, the following chapter comes from the full edition of Rocket Jump, available in full for Mercury subscribers and available to pre-order in hardcover and digital formats from crowdfunding publisher/platform Unbound.

Threading the Needle: The Making of Quake Team Fortress published first on https://superworldrom.tumblr.com/

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