#so all the time when new people ask me stuff for the like 25th time its like look at the chart that I've showed you multiple times!!

[from-the-clouds]

texas sun - joel miller x f!reader - vol. ii

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chapter summary: Joel tries, and fails, to keep Sarah away from you, and you get to know the family across the street a little bit better. It’s a slow burn, so let the yearning begin, baby! pairing: pre-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader words: 7.7k chapter warnings: some light angst, alcohol use, references to marijuana use, parental neglect. divorce mention, implied age gap. reader has daddy issues - shocker! a/n: Was absolutely floored by the love on part one. Seriously you all are the best. I hate doing chapter summaries because I don't like giving away too much info, so I'd suggest just reading this. This story might end up being a longer than six parts, because I don't want to rush anything and it's been really fun to write these relationships as they form! Let me know what you think :)

-March 25th, 2003- 

Joel cannot keep Sarah away from you. 

Unfortunately, he can’t blame her. Unlike him, she doesn’t need an excuse to show up on your doorstep after school and on the weekends to be in your company. Still, he doesn’t technically know you that well, and he imagines you didn’t intend to see her as often as you did after extending some kindness to his family for one night. 

Despite the two of you having not spoken since you helped him with the Tommy situation, Joel feels like he knows you, or is getting to know you, just from the snippets of information Sarah drops to him, which is then followed by a barrage of questions.

“Do you know she grew up in New York City? Have you ever been there?” 

“She gave me her old tennis racket. Do you think I could start taking lessons?”

“She says her brother got her front-row tickets to The Strokes last year. You like them, don’t you?”

Joel decides to give Sarah a talking to about her tendency to wander over to your house whenever she sees your car in the driveway. Perhaps you are just being friendly, and feel bad saying no each time she’s asked to come in. He tries to broach the subject with her one morning in the kitchen while she’s eating breakfast. They’re already running behind, her for school, himself for work, but neither of them are in a rush. If you’re already late, what’s an extra ten minutes?

“Take it easy, alright? She might not want company after a long day at work,” Joel leans over the countertop, hand wrapped around a mug of hot coffee, watching her shovel cereal in her mouth.  

“Dad, she said I could come over whenever,” It’s accompanied by an eye roll, which is a new thing that had started about six months back. Teenagers. Well, almost teenagers. She’s still the sweet kid he’s always known, he’s just playing with fire trying to talk to her at seven in the morning, an indent on the side of her face still fading from where she slept on a crumpled pillow. 

Joel was at least grateful that she did have occasional company on nights when he was working late. It made him feel better to know Sarah wasn’t alone.

“What do you even do over there?”

“Homework, reading….watching TV.”

“So the same thing you do here?”

Sarah thinks about it. “Well, no, because she’s teaching me to knit.”

“And what does she do while you do your homework?”

“She works too. Or makes calls.” Sarah smiles a little. “It sounds like people ask her for advice a lot. She does give good advice.”

“Better than mine?” Joel holds his hand over his heart with mock offense.

Sarah groans. “Relax, don’t get jealous…there’s just stuff I can talk to her about and not you. Girl stuff.”

“Girl stuff? What like, boys?”

“No, you wouldn’t get it.”

“I was a boy once.”

“Ew, dad, gross.”

“How is that gross?”

“Just- not everything is about boys, okay?”

Joel isn’t going to argue with that, and Sarah eventually goes back to finishing her cereal.

“Alright babygirl,” he raps his knuckles on the counter after he’s finished his coffee. “I’ve gotta load up the truck, and you better get going, or I’m gonna get an earful from Miss Davis.” He grabs his keys and his wallet, then yanks a baseball cap over his mess of hair that’s long overdue for a haircut.

“Oh, I bet she would love an excuse to talk to you,” Sarah slides out of her seat with her empty bowl and marches towards the sink to rinse it out, grabbing his empty mug on the way.

“What do you mean?” 

“Don’t you remember how giggly she was at parent-teacher conferences?” Sarah says. “I’ve never seen her so happy before.”

It’s Joel’s turn to roll his eyes. He’d pegged it as unusual, but never considered it was because Miss Davis was into him. He wishes Sarah isn’t so….observant. 

Over the years, Joel has basically kept his head down, doing his best to keep things together. Because of that, he feels like he’s sort of lost his ability to pick up on when women are interested in him. And it’s safe to say, in general, he’s had a pretty uneventful love life since Sarah’s mom left. 

For the most part, he got by on flings — one night stands, casual no-strings-attached arrangements that always fizzled out. Joel had never been a man who liked that sort of thing, and ultimately craved a deeper level of intimacy, companionship, but he had trouble sustaining anything more. And even when he thinks of the more serious relationships he’d had over the years, those were also never completely satisfying. 

The fact of the matter was that when you had a kid, you weren’t just looking for someone for yourself anymore. For most people, introducing their partner to their parents is always a big deal. But for Joel, it was always introducing girlfriends to Sarah. Over the last decade he’d only ever introduced her to three different women, and at that point he had usually been dating them secretly for several months before deciding that it was serious enough. It always felt like he was trying so desperately to ensure they liked each other. But he could tell that Sarah was never quite comfortable with any of them. And when they’d start asking about moving in, marriage, and babies — he’d always panic. It was reasonable for them to want those things, hell, he wanted those things. But it had to be the right person. He knew he couldn’t bring someone into his life, forever, that didn’t love Sarah like a parent should. Like he did. No one ever would, and because of that, he knows there’s a good chance it’ll just be the two of them forever.

So, even if Sarah’s teacher, as cute as she was, were to ask him out, he would never be able to go. But less for the latter reasons, and more because he knows he’d never hear the end of it from her. 

“Alright, that’s enough. I’m leaving in five minutes…with or without you.”

“Nooo!” Sarah screams in mock panic, scrambling upstairs to brush her teeth. 

Joel exits through the garage, grabbing a few extra tools from his workbench that he needs for the job today and a saw. 

When he opens the garage door, the harsh sunlight is the first thing to greet him, and then he sees you. 

You’re in your driveway across the street, barefoot and in a short, black silk robe that’s cinched at the smallest part of your waist. Next to you is a man in a suit, holding a briefcase and trying to straighten his tie. He can’t do both at the same time, though, so he pauses and turns to you, murmurs something, and you slow to help him, your fingers wrapping around the tie, tightening where it’s looped around his neck and tucking it into place, straightening his lapel before stepping away. The type of domesticity that doesn’t happen with a one-night-stand.

It makes sense, he thinks. That you’re with someone like that. It’s the world you’re in all day. And even though he’s standing in his own fucking driveway, Joel feels like he’s seeing something he’s not supposed to. Or maybe, he just doesn’t want to be seeing it. 

Joel tears his eyes away, putting his stuff in the back of the truck – the toolkit, the saw, glancing over to see the man kiss you on the lips and mutter something unintelligible before getting in a shiny, blue sports car. You nod, offer an easy smile, and stoop to pick up the newspaper. The car's engine roars to life, and you cross your arms, looking after it until it peels out of the cul-de-sac.

The bashful smile you’re wearing drops instantly once it’s out of sight, and he watches you pinch the bridge of your nose, and tilt your head back to the sky.

He turns before he gets caught, and slams the back of the truck shut, which is a little ignorant in hindsight. Joel looks over his shoulder to see your attention has shifted, and you’re shielding your eyes and squinting at him. 

Great.

“Hey Joel,” you wave, your opposite hand pulling at the bottom of your robe, in a futile attempt to cover yourself. You look good, obviously, but it makes Joel feel a little guilty to make the observation because it’s clear you didn’t actually intend to be seen like this.

“Morning,” he answers. 

“Where’ve you been?” you ask, crossing your arms across your chest. 

“Busy. Work.”

“That’s no fun but…same here, I guess,” You shuffle forward hesitantly. 

Joel takes a beat to think about what he’s supposed to say in response, but doesn’t get the chance, because you speak up again.

“Hey uh, not to put you on the spot, but were you actually serious about fixing my step the other night?” you ask. 

Before he can answer, you continue. 

“It’s okay if you weren’t, but I twisted my ankle on it the other day, so I need to get it fixed before that happens to someone else. I was thinking maybe I’d just call-”

“No-”

“It’s no big deal if you can’t-”

“No,” Joel cuts you off. He had been biding his time, waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up to you, not realizing that taking said time probably made him look like an asshole. “Don’t call anyone else, I can do it. How about Friday night? Will you be around?” 

“Friday?” you answer, pondering. “Yeah, that works. I have a friend from out of town coming to visit, so I’ll be home early because I’ve gotta pick her up from the airport.” 

“Alright, I’ll try to cut out early, too.”

“And also I can pay-”

“Stop it, I”ve got you, don’t worry,” he waves his hand. 

You smile at Joel. He’s sure it means nothing, but he gets some satisfaction from how sincere it is compared to the one you’d given the guy you had been escorting out of your home. 

He feels himself grinning back, and you open your mouth to speak, but are cut off by the sound of his screen door slamming. Sarah stumbles down the steps, backpack hanging off one shoulder, headphones to her walkman around her ears, holding her bright pink windbreaker in one hand and a book in the other. She looks at Joel, then you, standing in your driveway, and her face lights up as she calls your name. 

“Hey, Sarah,” you wave. 

Sarah opens her mouth to speak, and Joel knows whatever she’s going to say will start a much longer conversation that unfortunately they just don’t have the time for.

“She’s gotta get to school,” Joel tilts his head in the direction of his daughter before she can say anything. “But I’ll get that done Friday.”

“See you then!” You turn on your heel, and he looks away for a second to Sarah before glancing back in your direction, and you’re already gone, the only evidence you were there being your front door slamming shut. 

Joel waits until he and Sarah are in the car on their way to school before he speaks again. 

“She’s never mentioned a boyfriend or anything, has she?”

Sarah doesn’t even look up from her book. “No.”

Joel nods, and it’s quiet for a moment.

He hears Sarah’s book shut. “Why?” she turns to him, and she’s got her eyes narrowed, like she’s trying to figure out what the question really meant. He’s never seen her make that face before, and it’s a little terrifying, because it looks like she could see right through him.

Joel wracks his brain for a good enough excuse. “If she has people over, I don’t want you hangin’ around adults I don’t know.”

That seems to satisfy Sarah, and the skeptical look on her face disappears. If anything, she seems slightly annoyed by the comment, which is definitely preferable. “Well, you don’t have to worry about that because it’s never happened.” Sarah plays with the dials on the radio, changing the station until it lands on one playing The Chicks, her favorite group. She hums along to the song, filling in the gaps whenever the radio cuts out, and looks out the window. 

“Alright.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-March 28th, 2003-

“Oh, I wanna come!” Sarah jumps up from the couch and joins Joel in the entryway. It’s Friday evening, and he’s about to head out the door to your place.

“You’re stayin’ in tonight.”

“What? Why?”

“Well first of all, you’re grounded, in case you don’t remember.”

“You don’t even know what that means, though.”

Joel shakes his head, because she’s right. He’s never had to ground Sarah before, but when he’d gotten a call from her teacher that she had failed her last math quiz, and was close to not passing the class, he figured it was an appropriate punishment. “I’m pretty sure it means you can’t leave the house.”

“But this is barely leaving the h-”

“Second of all,” he cuts her off. “She told me earlier this week she’s got a friend visiting, so it’d be rude to intrude if that’s the case.”

Sarah groans, throws her head back, and falls onto the couch dramatically. “But I’m so bored.”

“You could study. Practice dribbling, clean your room, clean your bathroom-”

“Dad, it’s literally Friday night.”

“And?”

“All that stuff is so boring.”

Joel can’t help but chuckle. “Look, when I get back we can watch a movie. This won’t take long.”

She sits up a little, placated. “Okay, but it’s my turn to pick.”

“Deal. I’ll be home in an hour or so,” he steps out onto the porch. 

There’s a special kind of glow in Texas about an hour before the sun sets. Warm light filters behind the trees, casting the leaves and anything else it catches in a golden halo. Joel takes in the view for a moment as he walks across the street, skipping the rotten step and knocking on your front door. 

You answer it quickly. “Hey, you wanna come in?”

Joel supposes he doesn’t have to, and could just let you know he’s here, stay out on the front porch and just get the job done, but he accepts your invitation anyway.

There’s another woman sitting cross-legged on the couch, two half-full glasses of wine on your coffee table, music playing low on some speakers in the corner. The front windows are open, despite the chill of the evening, and your sheer curtains billow in the breeze. 

“Claire, this is my neighbor, Joel,” you say. “He’s helping me out with the steps. His daughter’s Sarah, the one I was telling you about. ”

“Oh, yeah.” Claire’s face lights up in recognition. “Joel. Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he nods.

“Claire’s visiting from New York. We grew up together,” you explain. 

“Oh, yeah?” 

“Her and I were roommates at boarding school,” Claire explains, finishing off a glass of wine. “We got into a lot of trouble together.”

“Hmmm, if I recall, it was more like you got me into trouble, but sure,” you say. 

“You were bad, if not worse, than I was.”

Joel smirks, and you turn to him, changing the subject. “She’s jetlagged, so we’re just staying in for the night.”

“But…we’re still getting drunk, obviously.”

“Oh yeah, that too,” you say flatly, although to Joel, you don’t seem drunk at all. Luckily, your friend answers his question with her next sentence.

“This one isn’t very good at keeping up, though,” Claire tilts her head in your direction, then finishes off the glass of wine in her hand.

“You sound like Vincent,” you roll your eyes.

“Oh, how is Vincent?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” you cross your arms and look at Joel. “She always had the biggest crush on my brother, and it was dis-gus-ting.”

“To be fair,” Claire clears her throat. “At the time, he was pretty dreamy. And if we’re being honest….he still is…too bad he’s married.”

“Divorced, actually. But still…” You wrinkle your nose. “Gross.”

“Divorced?” Claire sits up, jaw dropping. “When? Why didn’t you tell me? What happened?”

You raise your hands and shake your head, like it’s too much to get into. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it later. Sorry, we’re being rude,” you turn back to Joel. “Can I get you anything? Want some wine?”

“I would, but it doesn’t usually mix well with power tools,” Joel answers. “I should be good, though, I brought everything I need.”

“Great well… I’ll let you get to it, then.” you pad across the floor to return to your friend on the couch. “We’ll be in here if you need anything.”

“Sounds good,” Joel nods at you and your friend before stepping back out onto the porch.

The screen door shuts behind him, and the birds are quieting down for the night. He only has a little bit of sunlight left, but this shouldn’t take him long. Just as he is about to get started, he hears your friend’s voice, muffled, from inside the house. 

“Okay, I thought you were lying because your taste in men is usually questionable, but you’re right, he is really cute.”

“Dude,” you interject, and Joel hears a sound of impact, like a smack on the arm. “Lower your voice the fucking windows are open.” Claire starts giggling, and you continue. “You know you don’t have to say, like, every thought that comes into your head.”

He hears your friend laugh even harder, and eventually you join her. Joel shakes his head, but even after he starts working, can’t keep the grin off his face.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

-April 5th, 2003-

It has been the longest week of your life. Work had been hectic – you’d spent the last five days going to so many meetings and dinners with potential clients that you had almost no time to do your actual job. Plus, your visit from Claire had already wiped out nearly all your energy, since you had spent the whole last weekend showing her around Austin, entertaining.

Normally, on a Saturday like today, you’d do a number of things – the first of which would be to sleep the fuck in. The ideal schedule would go something like this: You’d get out of bed in the early afternoon and immediately order some kind of takeout – most likely pho, or ramen, or some other type of soup. You’d get high, eat the takeout, and then watch TV until you’re tired enough to go back to bed in the early evening. If you’re feeling motivated at all, you might change into a fresh pair of pajamas before you crash again. It would be the ultimate lazy day, and you had desperately wanted it.

However, the past version of yourself had made plans to play tennis in the morning with some friends, and then check out a new breakfast place in the city. Sometimes you hated how optimistic she was about your ability to wake up before 10 a.m. While you weren’t excited to play tennis, you were excited that there was, at some point, going to be food involved. 

So you dragged your ass out of bed, rifled through a box of clothing in your garage (one that you still had yet to unpack) to find a tennis skirt and visor, and then got in your car to go play all before 8 a.m. Then, you’d had your ass handed to you by your friends on the court. It was a little humbling to realize that you weren’t very good at tennis anymore. The last time you’d seriously played was when you were still in school, and you’d originally started because your father had wanted you to be involved in an extracurricular activity. According to him at the time, anything involving the arts – music, dance, drama – didn’t count. You had challenged this idea, and it had escalated to become one of the top ten worst fights you’d ever had with him. After that, you had learned that it was better to just do as you were told. 

You’d joined the tennis team, and started to pick up on how intrigued your father was by the trophies and ribbons you’d bring home when you did well. He started to ask you questions when he saw them, pat you on the head and say things like ‘that’s my girl’. Regardless of whether or not you liked playing, you had finally found a way to earn his attention. So, you got better. One time, he even came to your school to watch one of your matches. Of course, when you lost that one, it all kind of crumbled. But you still stuck to the sport since that’s what all your friends were doing, even if it didn't get you what you wanted. 

On the drive home from your morning out, belly full of breakfast and ready for a nap, thinking of your family brings about a terrifying realization. 

You look at your phone. Shit.

April 5th. 

Immediately, you dial a number on your cell. You’re aware of the dangers of talking while driving but you know if you don’t make this call, you’ll never hear the end of it. The line only rings twice before it’s picked up.

“Hello?” 

“Vincenzo!” you say with your best – but probably horrible – attempt at an Italian accent. 

“Well, well, well….if it isn’t the estranged daughter…” the familiar timbre of your brother's voice answers. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

You roll your eyes. “Well first of all, fuck off…” We're off to a great start. “...and second of all…Happy Birthday.”

You hear your brother’s chuckle on the other end of the line, a noise that you’d been on the wrong side of –  laughing at you, not with you – more than once, but your heart aches a little at the sound of it now. I miss you, you wish you could say, but you keep it to yourself. 

“Thanks, I’m surprised you remembered,” he says, lightly.

“I’ve never forgotten.”

“There was that one year-”

“Oh my god, I was like twelve.”

“You were fourteen.”

“Okay, well, sorry…It’s been over ten years and it hasn’t happened since.”

“It feels like you’ve forgotten more than once, but that might just be because it’s pretty much the only time you ever call me these days,” Vincent says, and if you were with him, in person, you’d be able to tell by the look in his eyes whether or not he was joking. But over a cell, you’re not sure at all. 

“That’s not true,” you say, turning your car into your neighborhood. “But I mean, the phone does work both ways.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” you catch something flippant in his tone. 

“Do you want this to be a nice conversation or are you gonna be an asshole?” you ask, maybe a little too matter-of-factly, but at least you can determine whether or not it’ll be a waste of your time to try and be cordial. If he’s in a bad mood, you know it’s pointless.

“Relax,” he says, and you hear a hint of the teenage boy you once knew. “You’re always so ready to argue with me, I’m joking.”

“Very funny,” you say, and try to be nice about it, because deep down, you know Vincent is right. You don’t talk to your brother enough to argue with him when you do speak. You take a deep breath to steady yourself. “So what are you doing on your big day? Anything special?”

“Nothing really special, I worked out, had lunch with a friend, and I think I’m having dinner with Elizabeth tonight.”

“Oh…really? Elizabeth?” At the mention of his soon-to-be ex-wife – or maybe current ex-wife? You’re not sure – you’re surprised.

“Yeah she and I are uh….talking still, I guess. For Ethan, mostly, but…I don’t know…the divorce isn’t finalized, and I think now that I’m seeing a therapist and shit, maybe we can work something out. We’ll see.”

“And do you want to work something out?”

“I mean, she’s only the love of my life so yeah, it’d be great.”

“I think so, too. How is Ethan, by the way?”

“Oh he’s great,” you hear your brother’s smile over the phone. “Just a big ball of energy, and so fucking smart. He told me he misses you the other day.”

Your heart lurches at the mention of your sweet, five-year-old nephew. “You’ll have to tell him I said hi, and that I love him.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will,” he answers. “You know, next weekend I’m having a proper birthday party.  We’re all going to the Hamptons. I could fly you out here, you could tell him in person.”

“I can’t, I got shit to do,” you answer a little too quickly, turning the car into your cul-de-sac.

“What uh, your little corporate gig keeping you busy?”

There’s a subtle dig in there, little. 

“Maybe.”

“I’m telling you, all I have to do is phone a friend, and we’ll find you something here that’ll pay a thousand times better and won’t have you working weekends.”

“I don’t work weekends,” you say, pulling into your driveway.  “And I’m not interested.”

“You like making yourself miserable, don’t you?”

“Vinny,” you say, exasperated, putting your car in park. “I’m happy here.”

“In Texas? I don’t believe it,” he says. “And you know, at this point, you’ve proven whatever you wanted to dad. After everything you’ve done, he probably respects you. Like, you did it. You cut yourself off, you made a name for yourself, you don’t need us anymore. Congratulations, amazing. I get it. But you should come home now.”

“Vincent,” you repeat yourself. “I’m not going back. You know what it was like for me. For you.”

“You’re my fucking family too, you know? You can’t just let him control every decision you make,” he says, and he’s not quite yelling at you, but he is sounding a lot more stern than he was before. “And by the way, it wasn’t so bad. You and I always got along.”

“Even if I move back, things will never be like they were.”

“You don’t know that.” he says it with such a deep sadness in his voice that you want to take back every cruel thing you’d ever said to him – not just from today, from forever. And then he speaks again. “You know, you used to be so sweet when we were kids….I don’t know what happened.”

I do, you think. “I had to look out for myself.”

Before he can respond, you change the subject. “Anyways, you should move out here instead,” it’s only halfway a joke.

“I’m not leaving New York.”

“Well, I’m not leaving Austin.”

“Well…” he says, clicks his tongue. “Then I guess things’ll just stay this way.” 

“I guess so.”

You wish you could offer more. But he has never understood. The silence on the other line is so loud, your ears are ringing.

“Look, I just pulled in my driveway, I gotta get going.”

“Yeah.”

“But have a nice day, okay?” you’ve gotta turn this conversation around because it went so far off the rails. “Tell Elizabeth I say hi, and I hope you do work things out with her because you know I think she’s great. And give Ethan a kiss for me.”

“I know, and I will,” you can see him closing his eyes, fingers pinching between his eyebrows.

“I love you.” 

“Yeah…okay,” he says, like he doesn’t believe you, and it’s a punch to the gut. As usual, you weren’t able to say the right thing. Tears start pricking the back of your eyes, guilt twisting deep in the pit of your stomach.

“Goodbye,” in one swift movement, you end the call and get out of the car, slamming the door shut. You’re sad now, but it’s only a matter of time before you become angry, which is always easier to deal with, so you just gotta suck it up until it passes.

Trying not to be upset is such a high priority that you don’t hear your name being called right away, and when you turn around, it’s too late.

“Hey!” Sarah Miller is skidding to a stop in front of you, wearing boots that look a size too small for her feet, dressed in athletic clothes with her hair pulled back. “My dad says I’m not grounded anymore so I can-” she falters when she sees your face. “Are you okay?” she asks. 

Clearing your throat, you fix your expression and try to shake away the lingering disappointment like dirt off a kitchen rug. “Yeah I’m fine,” you lie. “So does that mean you passed math?”

Since that night you let her stay when she was locked out, you’d seen quite a bit of Sarah. It was a little unconventional, and you probably needed to find friends in the community that were more age appropriate, but you enjoyed her company. She would hang out and do homework at your house while she waited for her dad to get home from work. You had always valued your independence, and told yourself you preferred to be on your own, but whenever she left, your house always felt a little emptier than you remembered. Maybe you needed to get a fish or something, since Martini’s appearances were few and far between. 

“Not yet, but I did get an A on my last test. I hate to say it but my dad was right…studying actually helps.”

“Yeah, that tends to be true,” you say, relieved at how easy the smile comes, and you glance over your shoulder to see Joel standing at the edge of his driveway with his hands on his hips. He looks fucking good, and you’re almost sort of mad about it, or it’s hopefully just the irritation kicking in after the conversation with your brother. 

Does Joel know? He has to. It’s like having whatever the male version of a siren is living across the street from you – working with his hands, being a doting father, and mowing the lawn shirtless when it’s hot out. And apparently this was a record-breakingly hot spring, because you’d seen that more than once. Not that you minded, though it only made you want a closer look. Years ago, you probably would’ve scoffed at what sounded like a suburban mom’s wet dream, but actually experiencing it, you felt differently. There was just something about him. 

You give Joel a wave, and he waves back, shifting his weight from foot to foot like he’s trying to decide if he wants to come over and talk. As usual, he seems like he’s got somewhere to be, but he’s too polite to tell you to fuck off. 

“How have you been? I’ve hardly seen you,” Sarah says. “Did you play tennis today?” she pokes at the racket that’s hung over your shoulder. “Were you serious about teachin’ me to play this summer?”

It’s hard not to be amused at the barrage of requests. You admire her ability to be so enthusiastic, so open, something that most people are unable to do, but for her, is effortless. She’s older than your nephew, but you get the same kind of relief from interacting with both of them. The kids are alright. At least, some of them are. 

“Of course,” you answer, and notice that Joel is slowly and hesitantly making his way up your driveway. It’s upsetting that everytime you run into him, you conveniently look like shit – like last Tuesday when you’d just rolled out of bed and were still in your robe. Or right now, after spending the whole morning chasing after balls on a clay court, scuffed knees and hair slick with sweat. But you suppose that’s sort of what neighbors are for.

“Hey, how’s it going?” you ask Joel. 

“It’s goin’,” you take him in as he gets closer, notice the way the arms of his t-shirt are just a little too tight because of his biceps, and feel like you need to take a cold shower to wash yourself of this morning. “Babygirl, we should probably get going.”

He calls his daughter babygirl? There’s no way he was being serious, that it isn’t some ironic joke, or part of an act. You always assumed that was just something you saw in movies.

“Because I did so well on my test my dad is takin’ me on a hike,” Sarah says, and then her face lights up. “Wait….you should come with us! Dad, can she come?” Sarah whirls around to face her father.

Joel looks down at Sarah, and then up at you, and then at Sarah again. “I mean, that’s fine, but…she might have other things going on.” 

It’s hard to tell if he’s trying to give you an out, or if he’s hinting that you shouldn’t come. And you probably normally wouldn’t want to go, but the alternative is moping around your house and thinking of all the things you could’ve said differently to your brother to ensure the conversation would have gone better than it did. You’re always desperate for a second chance to do things over, and do them right. 

You look between the two of them, back and forth. “I mean I would totally, I just…don’t want to interrupt a father-daughter activity-”

“You aren’t,” Sarah says so quickly that Joel looks offended. “I couldn’t leave the house this week so we’ve been spending too much time together.”

Joel frowns. “That’s rude.”

“What?” she says. “It’s true.”

Joel sighs. “She’s right, though. You wouldn’t be interruptin’.”

“Please?” Sarah begs, and you realize you can’t say no even if you want to. You wonder how Joel was even able to ground her for a week, looking in those big, innocent eyes. 

“Yeah, just…uh, could I put my stuff inside and maybe change?” you ask, gesturing towards the house. 

Joel nods, and Sarah rocks back and forth on her heels. “Yes, yes! Take as long as you need.”

“I’ll be fast,” you assure her, and duck inside. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Halfway into the hike with Sarah and Joel, and you’ve decided you’re out of shape. You try to tell yourself there could be another reason you are so out of breath – you already worked out once today while playing tennis. But that doesn’t seem like a good enough excuse. Of course, you’re trying to play it cool, because you’re not about to embarrass yourself. Sarah is entertaining you with all kinds of talk about school, and soccer, and sleepaway camp she gets to go to for two weeks once school's out. And you suppose the pain you’re in right now is also  welcome distraction from thinking about Vincent. 

However, you can’t dip away from the group to rest for a second, because Joel is already trailing behind, and he’d catch on. However, his distance – several paces back from where you and Sarah walk – is not because he’s out of shape. On the contrary, he seems to be putting almost no effort into the steep climb. He’s on his own, head on a swivel, kind of like a brooding security guard, and you wonder if he feels left out. 

You steal a glance over your shoulder to take him in, shrouded by the verdant foliage. He looks at home in this environment, sun-kissed and rugged, a finger hooked behind the strap of a leather bag he carries over one shoulder, his gait measured. Aloof, but there’s a quiet confidence to him that draws you in, causes your stare to linger just a touch too long, so when he turns his head straight, his eyes catch yours. You focus back on the trail ahead. 

He hasn’t said much since you’ve started hiking, or in the car, even. Most men are easy to read, but so far, Joel has kind of stumped you. There were times, during the night that you’d helped him bail his brother Tommy out of jail, that you had thought maybe he was- no. He’d been pretty tense in every other interaction you had, so you still couldn’t decide if he had been flirting with you.

And he was older than you, you were pretty sure. Not so old that it wouldn’t be out of the question for him to be interested, but enough that, depending on the type of person he was, might see you as a little too young for him. And he had a kid, responsibilities. 

You were a-single woman with a high-powered career, one cat and a fish on the way. You slept in on the weekends, refused to learn to cook for one, and got violently stoned on your back porch a minimum of three times a week. In suburban Texas, most of the women your age were long since settled, and you were an outlier. It was fair to imagine that Joel probably didn’t see any real promising future when he looked your way…. or maybe he was more of a one-night stand kind of guy, and didn’t care about that at all. This was not necessarily information you needed – but you wanted it anyway.

Not feeling like an outsider would be one upside of moving back to New York – you could be exactly yourself, and still blend right in. It was one of the parts you missed most, besides Vincent. Your heart sinks, and you realize that the hill you’ve been climbing has flattened out, and so you’re able to think clearly again, which is why you’re thinking of your brother. 

Sarah has pulled away, and is wandering towards a clearing. Your eyes are on her form, bounding up ahead on the pathway, the sunlight peeking through the leaves dancing on her skin, when your foot lands on a loose rock, and slips out from beneath you. 

Please, God, n- You don’t even get the chance to plead yourself out of humiliation, because there’s a steady hand on your hip and your back collides with a broad chest. 

“Gotcha,” Joel’s voice is right in your ear — when did he get that close?  

He’s solid, strong, and for the shortest, sweetest moment, you’re overwhelmed by him – get notes of his bar soap (pine, cedar, mint)  mixed with whatever laundry detergent he used, and just the faintest bit of - Fuck. In one swift movement, he brings you upright like you’d never slipped at all, then pulls back. The skin on your hip smarts even after his hand drops away.

“You alright?” Joel steps beside you, watching Sarah, who stands with her hands on her hips, her back turned to you both.

“Yeah,” you nod. He looks back over at you. “Come on,’ he tilts his head towards his daughter, and you walk beside him to where she’s standing.

The whole hike you’d been so occupied with bullshit. Trying not to think about your brother. Trying not to act too out of breath. Trying to not let Joel catch you staring, although you’d already failed at that. But now, you wish you wouldn’t have been in your head, because what you’d come to see made worrying about all that seem stupid.

Stretched out in front of you was a wide creek with moss-colored water that flowed down over layered slabs of rock, and crashed into the waterfall’s churning basin. The sun hits the mist in just the right light, and casts a series of rainbows midair, which move and shift as you turn your head to study the lush, tree-lined shore across the river. 

You’re standing with one hand on your hip, and out of the corner of your eye Sarah shuffles back a few steps to stand beside you, looping her arm through yours, her cheek on your shoulder while you both enjoy the view. 

“I’m glad you got to see this,” she says, and you can just make it out over the sound of the falls. “Isn’t it pretty?”

“It’s beautiful.”

Joel’s hands land on Sarah’s shoulders as he steps close behind you both. She straightens, leans back against him until he wraps his forearm across the front of her in an easy embrace, and she grabs for his wrist with both of her hands, tucking them beneath her chin. A pang of familiar grief stirs inside you at the sight, and you turn away, back towards the view.

“This is the only time of year it’s worth seeing,'' Joel says to you. “It dries up in the summer.” 

“It’s still pretty in the summer,” Sarah pipes up.

“Not as pretty.”

“Can you get me the water?” she asks. Joel grunts an affirmation and a moment later you hear the sound of a zipper.

When you’ve had a considerable amount of time to contemplate life while looking at the water swirling across the granite, you turn to find Sarah sitting on a rock, struggling to peel an orange, and dropping each tiny piece of skin she can get off into Joel’s begrudgingly outstretched hand.

You use the opportunity to stretch your calves against a nearby tree.

“Have you hiked before?” Sarah asks.

“Here and there,” you say. “But not often.”

“Why not?”

“Well this is basically a workout. I don’t like working out, I’m pretty unathletic.”

You’re surprised when that draws a smile from Joel.

“But you play tennis.”

You shrug. “Eh, kinda.”

“Me and my dad go hiking a lot.”

“That’s sweet,” your eyes flicker from hers to Joel’s, because they are both staring at you, and you’re pretty sure, though it’s hard to tell from this distance, that their eyes are the identical shade of caramel. Sarah finishes peeling her orange and Joel pockets the scraps of skin. She eats a slice before offering you both your own, and you step closer to accept it.

Sarah’s taking her last bite of orange when Joel speaks up. 

“Should we head back?”

Sarah turns to take one last look. It’s mid afternoon, the slant of light from the sun as intense as it can be, and you squint when it reflects back off the water and into your eyes. 

“Yeah, we can,” Sarah decides, and it’s clear that Joel would have stayed there for as long as she wanted. It wasn’t up to him. 

The hike back isn’t nearly as difficult. It’s all downhill, and Joel leads. Sarah stays behind with you, and clings to your arm while she teaches you how to navigate the trail without slipping. Back at the trailhead is one steep step that drops off into a puddle of stagnant water. 

Joel jumps down first, and turns to offer his hand to Sarah, who takes it and leaps lightly, landing on two feet on the other side. You aren’t sure what you’re expecting, but it’s not for Joel to offer you his hand to you as well. But he does.

“Careful,” he murmurs. And of course, you could’ve easily done this yourself, with no help. It’s a two foot drop and an inch of water. But you accept it anyways, putting some of your weight against his hand as you hop down, noticing how he doesn’t waver.

By the time you’re long since settled in the car, pulling into Joel’s driveway, you can feel sleep tugging down your eyelids. A steaming shower and a pair of pajama pants is imminent, and it’s like your body knows. Surely, you will still probably feel guilty about your brother, but you’re convinced that you won’t lose sleep over it, which you consider a win.

Sarah, who insisted that you both sit in the back together on the way home – leaving Joel in the front alone – gives you a quick hug after you’ve gotten out of the car, and then plucks the car keys from her father.

“Sorry, I drank a lot of water and I have to pee!” she says, before jogging up the walkway and unlocking her front door. 

Joel lets out an exasperated sigh, but turns back look at you with startling warmth. 

“Thanks for having me, I really needed that,” you tell him, and you’re not sure why you feel compelled to be honest with him, but continue on. “My brother and I got into it on the phone this morning, so if I didn’t go I probably would’ve spent all afternoon moping in bed.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice soft. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” you say, quickly, brushing it off. “Siblings, you know?”

“Yeah,” he nods, but you can tell he isn’t convinced. “I know.”

“How’s Tommy, by the way?” you ask. “Staying out of trouble, I hope?”

“He is,” Joel answers. “We actually have a big project we might be about to book. Pays well, and will keep us employed for the next year.”

“Oh that’s exciting,” you nod. “So what I’m hearing  is…if my step rots again, you wouldn’t have time to come fix it?”

“No,” Joel chuckles again, and you’re dizzy after hearing it. “I’d make time.”

You take a deep breath. “Good to know,” you shuffle a few steps backwards. “I better get going, though.” He doesn’t answer right away, and just as you’re turning to walk across the street, Joel calls out to you again.

“Hey,” and you pause, facing him again. “I wanted to ask you if…” he hesitates, blinks and shakes his head once before continuing. “If Sarah is coming over too much. If you want, I can tell her to cool it.”

“Are you kidding?” you ask. “I don’t mind at all. She’s great company, really.”

“You sure you’re not just sayin’ that to be nice?”

You sniff, look at the ground, then back up to him. “I’m not actually very nice.”

He studies you. “I’m not sure I believe that.” 

“You hardly know me,” you shrug, and his eyebrows pinch together very briefly before his expression neutralizes. “I’m just saying….if I didn’t like having her around, you would know.”

He bobs his head slowly, and you turn back around to walk to your house, glancing at him from over your shoulder. 

“I’ll see you around.”

- - - - - - - - - -

taglist: @yaskna @venomous-ko @lomljigg @yeehawbitchs @ay0nha @eldahae @lol-im-done @melancholicmelanin @reggies-floatie @omniscientqueer @superflymaterial @mikkorantanev @zbeez-outlet (i'm sorry if i missed anyone, i didn't tag anyone that didn't explicitly ask!).

part iii

#are we surprised that reader has daddy issues? odds are if you are reading this fic about the video game/TV DILF of the century you do too #i mean i certainly do #Joel Miller x reader #Joel Miller #Joel Miller x f!reader #joel Miller imagine #Joel Miller series #joel miller the last of us #the last of us #the last of us fanfiction #Pedro pascal #TLOU HBO #TLOU fanfic #TLOU series #texas sun

[gardenschedule]

Paul hurting John

And any mention of Paul brought a wintry bleakness to her face. 'John always used to say,' [Yoko] told me at one point, 'that no one ever hurt him the way Paul hurt him.' The words suggested a far deeper emotional attachment between the two than the world had ever suspected---they were like those of a spurned lover---and I naturally included them in my account of my visit for the Sunday Times. After it appeared, I returned to my London flat one evening to be told by my then girlfriend, ‘Paul, phoned you.’ She said he wanted to know what Yoko had meant and that he’d seemed upset rather than angry.

Paul McCartney: The Life - Philip Norman.

Paul McCartney, John’s partner into songwriting history, provokes a bleak and bitter look. “John said that no one ever hurt him the way Paul hurt him. But it’s in the past. It’s gone.” “John used to say he’d had two great partnerships. One was with Paul McCartney, the other was with Yoko Ono. ‘And I discovered both of them,’ he used to say. ‘Not bad going, is it?’”

Yoko Ono, interview w/ Philip Norman for Sunday Times: Life after John. (May 25th, 1981)

KLEIN: I can only tell you what John said when I asked him who he would call among the Beatles if he was in trouble—you know, if he had a real problem. He said he’d call George. That surprised me. Then I asked him if he’d ever been really close with Paul and he said no. Not that he didn’t love him; he did. He just said every time he let his guard down, McCartney hurt him. VETTER: Did he say how? KLEIN: Not specifically. But you know, it’s the kind of hurt where you open up to someone, really reach out, and then they’re just not there. A couple of times I thought Paul and I really had something going and then the next day, it was like it all just slipped away.

Allen Klein, Playboy: A candid conversation with the embattled manager of the Beatles. (November, 1971)

“I don’t have any friends!” John reminded me. “Friendship is a romantic illusion!” He said that he had learned this the hard way after the breakup of his relationship with Paul McCartney, whom he had once regarded as his close friend.

Fred Seaman, The Last Days of John Lennon. (1991)

HARTMAN: Paul, there’s a new interview out that John – you mentioned John a while ago – and he talks very openly. Without going into details, he seems to have a lot of resentment, competition, with you. And he says you kind of died creatively in a way, and he didn’t keep track of you, he said ‘The Long And Winding Road’ was your last gasp… How – he seems resentful of you. Do you know why, or—? PAUL: [uncomfortable] Um… I don’t know, I can guess and stuff, you know, but I’ll tell you, after all of that stuff has sort of gone down over the years, I actually keep a bit quiet now, ’cause anything I say, he gets resentful of. So I don’t know really, I mean, uh… it’s just a weird one. I don’t quite know why he thinks like that. I mean, what do you do about that? I – I really just shut up these days. I think it’s the best policy, David.

Paul’s Good Morning America interview

“No one ever goes on about the times John hurt ME,” said Paul. “When he called my music Muzak. People keep on saying I hurt him, but where’s the examples, when did I do it? No one ever says. It’s just always the same, blaming me. Could I have hurt John MORE than anyone in the world? More than the person who ran down Julia in his car? “We were always in competition. I wrote “Penny Lane,” so he wrote “Strawberry Fields.” That was how it was. But that was in compositions. I can’t understand why Yoko is saying this. The last time I spoke to her she was great. She told me she and John had just been playing one of my albums and had cried.”

Paul and Hunter Davies, 1981

I always felt guilty. Always felt guilty. But looking back on it, I keep thinking, okay, let’s try and analyse this. Now John was hurt; what was he hurt by? What was the single biggest thing that we can find in all our research that hurt John? And the biggest thing that I can find is that I told the world that the Beatles were finished. And I don’t think that’s so hurtful. […] I look at it now and really kind of shudder. At the time it was me trying to answer some questions that were being asked and I decided to not fudge that question. And I say, looking back on it, I don’t think… I mean, if that’s the most hurtful thing I did, I haven’t really heard much else beyond that.

...

And I say, looking back on it, I don’t think... I mean, if that’s the most hurtful thing I did, I haven’t really heard much else beyond that. We didn’t accept Yoko totally, but like I say, how many groups do you know, these days [who would]? I mean, it’s a joke. It’s like Spinal Tap! I mean, it’s Spinal Tap! A joke!

Paul McCartney, interviewed by Chris Salewicz for Musician (October 1986).

John had made it clear that he wanted to be the one to announce the split,' Linda McCartney explained years later, 'since it was his idea.' 'He wanted to be first,' her husband confirmed. 'But I didn't realise it would hurt him that much or that it mattered who was first.' Lennon commented later, 'We were all hurt that he didn't tell us what he was going to do. I think he claims that he didn't mean that to happen, but that's bullshit.' Envy also entered the equation. 'I was cursing because I hadn't done it. I wanted to do it and I should have done it...I was a fool not to do what Paul did, which is use it to sell a record.'

You Never Give Me Your Money – Peter Doggett

At first we agreed not to announce it. But after three or four months, I got more and more guilty about people saying, “How’s the group going?” when we sort of knew it was probably split up. So I did a kind of dumb move in the end, and when I look back on it, it was really… It looks very hard and cold. But I was releasing the McCartney album, and I didn’t really want to do much press for it; so I told a guy from the office to do me a list of questions and I’ll write the answers and we’ll print it up as a pamphlet and just stick it in with the press copies of the album. The questions were quite pointed, and it ended up being like me announcing that the Beatles had broken up. John got quite mad about that, apparently – this is one of the things he said really hurt him and cut him to the quick. Personally I don’t think it was such a bad thing to announce to the world after four months that we’d broken up. It had to come out some time. I think maybe the manner of doing it, I regret now – I wish it had been a little kinder, or with the others’ approval. But I felt it was time.

Paul McCartney, Rolling Stone: The Rolling Stone interview – Paul McCartney. (September 11th, 1986)

JOHN: And then as I said in [Rolling] Stone, both Klein and Paul at that time said, “Well, you don’t have to tell everybody, do you? You don’t have to announce it.” And I said, “Okay. Well, I won’t announce it then.” And then a year later, Paul announced it, right? [laughs; bleak] Good ol’… That was a great trick, you know. Because maybe that’s how when he – [very quiet] He felt that’s how he had to do it. So.

January 1st, 1976 (Dakota, New York)

JOHN: Well, I mean, like – like with anybody, when you say “divorce”, you know, the face goes… all sorts of colours. It’s like he knew, really, that this was the final thing. And then six months later, he comes out with – whatever, you know. I told [British journalist] Ray Connolly, and there was a lot of people knew I’d left, but I was a fool not to do it, you know. Not to do what Paul did, which was use it to sell a record. WENNER: You were really angry with Paul. JOHN: No, I wasn’t angry. WENNER: But when he came out with his— JOHN: No, I wasn’t angry, I was just – “Shit!” You know? I mean, he’s a good PR man, Paul. He – he’s about the best in the world, probably. He really does a job. I wasn’t angry in that way.

December 8th, 1970 (New York): Rolling Stone

"Yet even [John's resentment over Paul announcing the breakup first] does not explain his later remark to Yoko that no one had ever hurt him the way Paul hurt him. It almost suggests that, deep beneath the schoolboy friendship and the complementary musical brilliance, lay some streak of homosexual adoration that John himself never realised. He might have longed to get away from Paul, but he could never quite get over him."

Philip Norman, Shout!, 1981

John would say things like, ‘It was rubbish. The Beatles were crap.’ Also, ‘I don’t believe in The Beatles, I don’t believe in Jesus, I don’t believe in God.’ Those were quite hurtful barbs to be flinging around, and I was the person they were being flung at, and it hurt. So, I’m having to read all this stuff, and on the one hand I’m thinking, ‘Oh fuck off, you fucking idiot,’ but on the other hand I’m thinking, ‘Why would you say that? Are you annoyed at me or are you jealous or what?’ And thinking back fifty years later, I still wonder how he must have felt. He’d gone through a lot. His dad disappeared, and then he lost his Uncle George, who was a father figure; his mother; Stuart Sutcliffe; Brian Epstein, another father figure; and now his band. But John had all of those emotions wrapped up in a ball of Lennon. That’s who he was. That was the fascination.

I tried. I was sort of answering him here, asking, ‘Does it need to be this hurtful?’ I think this is a good line: ‘Are you afraid, or is it true?’ – meaning, ‘Why is this argument going on? Is it because you’re afraid of something? Are you afraid of the split-up? Are you afraid of my doing something without you? Are you afraid of the consequences of your actions?’ And the little rhyme, ‘Or is it true?’ Are all these hurtful allegations true? This song came out in that kind of mood. It could have been called ‘What the Fuck, Man?’ but I’m not sure we could have gotten away with that then.

Paul McCartney, on “Dear Friend”. In The Lyrics (2021).

PAUL: He was hurt. He later explained it by saying that I’d hurt him over some things, and it was kind of bitchy. Um… you know. He just had to do that. It’s fine. And at the time I thought, well, I should really answer all of this, but I took – I thought, no, it’s really going to get crazy if I start answering him and then we’re gonna be talking through newspapers at each other and really bitching, you know. And I decided to not do that.

October 19th, 1984: Paul McCartney talks to Barbara Frum of CBC-TV’s The Journal

"The truth is, deep down they were very, very similar indeed. Each had a soft underbelly, each was very much hurt by certain things. John had a very soft inside to him. But, you see, each had a bitter turn of phrase and could be quite nasty to the other. It was like a tug of war. Imagine two people pulling on a rope, smiling at each other and pulling all the time with all their might. The tension between the two of them made for the bond."

George Martin – Bill Harry, The Paul McCartney Encyclopedia, 2003)

JOHN: [Paul] even recorded that all by himself in the other room, that’s how it was getting in those days. We came in and he’d – he’d made the whole record. Him drumming, him playing the piano, him singing. Just because – it was getting to be where he wanted to do it like that, but he couldn’t – couldn’t – maybe he couldn’t make the break from The Beatles, I don’t know what it was. But you know, I enjoyed the track. But we’re all, I’m sure – I can’t speak for George, but I was always hurt when he’d knock something off without… involving us, you know? But that’s just the way it was then.

August, 1980: interview with Playboy writer David Sheff

‘There’s only one incident I can think of which John has publicly mentioned. It was when I went off with Ringo and did “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road?” It wasn’t a deliberate thing. John and George were tied up finishing something and me and Ringo were free, just hanging around, so I said to Ringo let’s go and do this. “I did hear him some time later singing it. He liked the song and I suppose he’d wanted to do it with me. It was a very John sort of song anyway. That’s why he liked it, I suppose. It was very John, the idea of it, not me. I wrote it as a ricochet off John. “Perhaps I hurt people by default. I never realized at the time John would mind.

...

“I’ve never come back at him, not at all, but I can’t help hide my anger about all the things he said at the time, about the Muzak, about me singing like Englebert Humperdink….. “If I had to start listing all the times when HE hurt me. Doing that one little song on my own, compared with what he said about ME…. “When you think about it, I’ve done nothing really to him, compared with that. Anyway, he did the same with “Revolution 9″. He went off and made that without me. No one ever says all that. John is now the nice guy and I’m the bastard. It gets repeated all the time.”

Paul and Hunter Davies, 1981

ROBBINS: When are you going to be doing another tour? Do you know? JOHN: No idea. I know we’ve got music to write, as soon as we get back. And Paul’s just signed us up to write the music for a film [The Family Way]. So I suppose it’s off the plane and into bed and – knock knock knock, “Get up and write some songs.” ROBBINS: A film that’s not your own? JOHN: Yes. ROBBINS: Very exciting.

John Lennon, interview w/ Fred Robbins. (October 29th, 1966)

“The healthy partnership and camaraderie that evolved from Paul and John’s competitive streak was only one step away from sibling rivalry. It now transpires that one of John’s earliest ‘hurts’ inflicted by Paul was McCartney’s solo writing of the music for the Hayley Mills film The Family Way in 1966. ‘I was told recently by Yoko that one of the things that hurt John over the years was me going off and doing The Family Way,’ Paul says. The filmmaking Boulting brothers had approached him via George Martin. ‘I thought this was a great opportunity. We were all free to do stuff outside the Beatles and we’d each done various little things.’When he mentioned it to John, Paul said, ‘He would have had his suit of armour on and said: “No, I don’t mind.” However, my reasoning would be that at exactly the same time he went off to make a film. He wrote his books. It was in the spirit of all that. But what I didn’t realize was that this was the first time one of us had done it on songs. John would write a book and I was supposed not to be jealous, which I wasn’t. He acted in a film [How I Won the War]. But I didn’t realize he made a distinction between all those solo things and actually writing music because this was the first time one of us had done it in film scoring. I suppose what I should have said was: “I’d like to write it with John,” and then that would have been OK. It actually didn’t occur to me at that time at all. So I went off, saw and liked the film, said: “Right, come on George [Martin],” and I must say it was all over very quickly.’

Paul McCartney, c/o Ray Coleman, McCartney: Yesterday and Today. (1995)

JOHN: ‘Rigby’’s, um, his first verse, and the rest of the verses are basically mine. But the way he did it was – uh, was he had the song, and he knew he’d got the song. So rather than ask me, “John, do these lyrics—” Because by that period, he didn’t want to say that – to me. Okay? So what he would say was, “Hey, you guys, finish off the lyrics,” while he was sort of fiddling around with the track or something, or – or arranging it, in the other part of the giant studio in EMI. ... But that’s how it – [Paul] just sort of— ‘Cause that’s the kind of insensitivity he would have – which made me upset in the later years – because to him, that meant nothing. But that’s the kind of person he is. So he threw ‘em out and said, “Here, finish these up,” like – to anybody, who was around. [By saying that] actually he meant I was to do it, but – you know, Neil and Mal were sitting there, and…

August, 1980: interview with Playboy writer David Sheff

"As mild and oblique as the comment was [Paul's "You took your lucky break and broke it in two" line from "Too Many People"], it seemed to cut John to the heart. On top of the questionnaire inside the McCartney album and the lawsuit, it was like the tipping point between a divorcing couple that turns love into savage, no-holds-barred hostility. Indeed, John's wounded anger was more that of an ex-spouse than ex-colleague, reinforcing a suspicion already in Yoko's mind that his feelings for Paul had been far more intense than the world at large ever guessed. From chance remarks he had made, she gathered there had even been a moment where - on the principle that bohemians should try everything - he had contemplated an affair with Paul, but had been deterred by Paul's immovable heterosexuality.

Philip Norman, John Lennon: The Life, 2008

#the beatles #paul mccartney #john lennon #mclennon #the most interesting aspect of this whole thing is paul's sincere bewilderment over how he hurt john #all evidence points to: literally anything that resulted in them being distant musically and personally #and people still think john was desperate for that divorce...?

[hyperactive-cowboy]

So that's the second chapter of the landoscar christmas series, I have literally no idea of how to make a link between this chapter and the first one, so if you want to read it then you'll have to search it yourself, but it is my last post so no big problem. You have probably realized it, but I got inspired to write this story by "All I want for Christmas", so the titles of the chapters are part of the lyrics. As always if you have suggestions or there are issues with the story don't be shy kidsss. Oh and if someone can tell me how to make the link I'd be grateful for my life. ENJOYYYY

Make my wish come true

Warnings: like one curse word at the start and one at the end (I don't even know if those are considered curse words), the littlest angst and fluff. Some words are translated with google because english is not my first lenguage. It's not beta read because I don't have the energy to do it right now as I had planned on finishing the series in 2023 but here I am.

Ship: F1 involved!Lando Norris × not F1 involved!Oscar Piastri (established relationship)

Wc: 3.3k

Chapter 1, 2, 3

Summary: Max and Logan help Lando in his little gremlin plan to propose to Oscar during their christmas party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Max's phone rang in the exact moment his dream was at its climax, waking him up without letting him know the finale of it.

Max looked at who was calling at such an hour in the morning.

It was Lando. Then probably it wasn't important.

Max deactivated the sound and left the vibration on, trying to fall asleep again just to see the end of his dream, but the buzzing wouldn't stop.

With a mix of frustration and malcontent for his not-well-started Wednesday morning, Max took the phone and answered his best friend.

"What do you want" he asked abruptly

"'Morning sunshine, I also miss my best friend so much" Lando answered sarcastically and Max could perfectly picture in his head the wide tooth-gaped smile his best friend almost certainly had on his face. 

"It's not a good morning when it starts like this" Max returned. 

Lando, on the other hand, laughed at his friend's distress. Max knew that, sooner or later, he would've killed his best friend.

"Anyways, I'm sorry for your pain, but I've just got an idea" it surely wasn't a good start. Every time Lando said stuff like that, it didn't end well.

"Oh god"

"I want to propose to Oscar"

"OH GOD" 

Suddenly Max was sitting on the bed, totally awake and vigile.

He didn't know what to say. Well actually there were too many things he wanted to say but couldn't choose which one to say first. Between the "when?" The"where?" and the "Why?"s. 

Instead, his mouth (apparently not connected with his brain) deliberately and on its own expressed all his emotions at once.

"What the fuck"

"Yep it was pretty explanatory" 

Neither of them knew how to behave. Obviously some people they both knew have got married before, but neither Lando nor Max have ever experienced a crazy idea like that. 

"So… when?" The moment Max started to metabolize the news, he also began to like it in some weird way. 

He knew the two have been together for some time and (at least for Lando) have also been pining over each other for even longer, so it was logical that one of them would've done the big step in a short time.

"Okay, well, that's my plan…" 

Lando started to explain The Big Plan to his best friend, who was more excited every new sentence he heard. 

Max had known him for so many years and has always thought of him as more immature and childish than other people their age, but he was sure Lando would've made the perfect husband to Oscar.

This train of thoughts continued and extended in every direction that included memories of Lando, the emotions took over him and made his eyes water a bit. But thinking about it, those words were good, he should've taken notes for his best man's speech.

"Let's recap it from the start once again" Max read on his phone. It was at least the 25th time Lando had asked him to repeat The Plan. He was sure he could've acted even other people's parts in the show. 

"Dear god I only have to say yes when he asks me about the party" Max texted back.

"It's not difficult" then he added just to emphasize the pointlessness of Lando's worries.

"Don't you dare make fun of me I'm just anxious, it's normal I guess" Lando's answer arrived in no time

Max smiled to himself shaking his head. Some things never change, he thought while unfolding all the memories with his best friend and rewatching every time Lando acted anxious. There were a few.

"If your calculus are right, he's calling me in ten minutes, so maybe I should get ready to answer him?" Max asked, trying to find an excuse to not leave his friend on seen in this particular situation.

Lando texted just a "yeah you're right" and then left the chat.

Max sighed and closed his phone, just to get his hands on his face and rub his eyes.

"Hey Osc, long time no see" is the sentence Max and Lando have accorded for him to say, and he did it spectacularly. As if he hasn't repeated it for the past twenty minutes without a single stop.

"Yeah it has been a tough period. We were planning a christmas party at our place on wednesday, are you in?" Oscar asked him.

"But isn't Lando away?" He was trying really, really hard not to abruptly laugh and scream at Oscar's ear.

"Yeah, in fact we wanted to do this thing together, but then he was called away and we can't postpone it anymore" Max thought he sounded a little exasperated.

He felt his lungs expand and contract without an order, his cheeks had become red and swollen, in his eyes there were tears for holding it back, but then he couldn't take it anymore. 

Max let out a soft giggle, but that giggle meant to him like the most powerful and exorbitant laughter he had ever had, mostly because he felt (he could literally touch it) the importance of his position in there.

"Yeah I think I'll be there" 

"K, thanks mate" Oscar sounded pretty hesitant with his answer. "And you can come with who you want" he then added.

"Great, thanks. Bye" Max hung up just right before exploding in what he thought was one of the biggest laughs of his life.

He didn't know the cause of this, but that situation was so funny to him. Maybe it was just the stress. Most probably it was just the stress. But why should he be stressed? It wasn't even his proposal. What would have happened when it was HIS time to take the big step? Max didn't even want to think about it for a minute.

He jumped back to reality and immediately opened his and Lando's chat to update him.

Max rang the doorbell of his best friend's house and waited for his best friend's boyfriend (and next-to-be fiance) to open the door.

"Never saw you awake this early" 

Oh right! Oscar's humor was something he could never forget about.

"I'm happy to see you too" Max stated with the biggest smile stamped on his face. He patted the boy's shoulders with both his hands and looked him down, trying to imagine the guy with a different surname (something like Norris) and a different look (a smoking might be ideal, and maybe a golden ring on that finger could be even better).

"Yeah" Oscar mouthed with a raised eyebrow and a confused expression.

 Max entered the house without needing a welcome. He treated it like it was his, he didn't care if the actual owner was okay with it. At least he could say the same happened every time Lando and Oscar were at his place.

"What are you doing here?" 

If there was another person in the room, they could've heard three voices ask the same question at the same time.

"No no no. I asked you first" Logan yelled at Max getting up pretty fast from the couch he was previously lying on.

"Well yes man, but really why are YOU here" he repeated.

"I'm here to help Oscar. And you?"

"I'm too" 

Max and Logan looked at each other with a slightly confused stare, narrowing their gazes and tilting their head to one side or the other.

Oscar cleared his voice behind them and just then he realized he couldn't tell Logan what he was about to. ("Well, actually I'm here to help Lando" would've been his response).

"Max, can I ask you to get away from my home? I already have enough help" The youngest boy looked exhausted. It must be tiring to project an event like this almost alone and with his boyfriend hundred of miles away from him. 

He could not understand, but he surely could pity him.

"I'm very sorry Oscar, but I'm not leaving this house until tonight" 

"Okay then" he looked more exasperated every sentence. 

"Don't worry. This will be the best party you've ever been to" 

"Do I have to remind you this is MY house? Maybe I should be the one preparing it" Oscar pointed out almost ironically.

"We will be better than you, trust me" Logan, who has been silent the entirety of the time, had stepped in the conversation to support him, and Max couldn't be more grateful.

With all due care, Oscar left his house in his friend's hands and headed to work. 

Max and Logan had only six hours and a half to transform that house into a HOUSE.

"So why are you here really?" Logan broke the silence, leaning on the shopping cart as he pushed it.

The two were at the mall searching for cute items and classic christmas stuff to hang here and there in the house to make it look more comfortable.

They have given themselves a specific and perfectly timed list to follow religiously: the times were calculated per second and the both of them had certain works to complete.

"Lando wants to propose Oscar tonight" Max let out.

"LANDO WANTS TO WHAT?'' Logan cried out in the middle of the cheese island, standing up like he was electrocuted and launching three slices of gruyere into the cart.

"SHHH why are you screaming?" Max whisper-yelled at him.

"Oh ya know? It's just my best friend getting married to yours, why aren't YOU screaming?" Logan replied in the same voice tone.

"I've already had my screaming session a week ago" he explained.

Max looked at his clock and calculated there were two minutes of delay in their schedule.

Logan looked around himself in disbelief, pinching his own cheeks to make sure he was not living a dream. 

He looked at Max right in his eyes for the first time in their entire lives. 

"Then we have to make sure we do the best of it" Logan stated resolutely, speeding even more than before, driving his shopping cart like a formula 1 car.

"You go bake the cookies, I'll get the house aesthetically ready" 

Max nodded at his newfound friend and sprinted into the kitchen to prepare all the ingredients he needed.

Right after putting on his freshly-bought apron, his phone started vibrating.

Max boringly looked at the screen and would've even hung up, but noticing Lando's nickname on it, he thought it was preferible answering, after all that work.

He accepted the call and put on the speaker while calling Logan to make him participate at the "meeting".

"Everything's okay?" Lando's altered voice sounded more worried than Max had ever heard him.

He took a moment to appreciate the fact that his best friend was giving this plan all his soul. You could know how much he cared about Oscar (or generally about his loved ones, even if he didn't show it that much) just by hearing his preoccupied voice.

"Yep, we're almost ready" Logan answered, just as joyful as Max.

"Wait, who was that?"

"It's Logan. I know everything and I couldn't agree more with you on this decision" his face was stamped with a smile from ear to ear and his eyes shone brighter than the stars.

"Oh hey Log sorry, didn't know you were there too. Does he suspect anything?"

"There is absolutely no way he could. We were silent as a grave" Max answered, almost kicking his feet like a schoolgirl.

"Well then-" Lando's sentence start was interrupted by a not a little hasty Max, who was sure he was about to scream.

"Now that you have secured yours and our wellbeing, can we finish our work? We have a pretty full agenda to follow" 

"Oh okay then, I'm halfway there anyways" 

"Yeah yeah, you know where I keep my second set of keys" and without another word, he hung up the phone just as fast as they both came back to their respective jobs in the house.

"Hey that chocolate dough looks fantastic" Logan laughed entering the kitchen, looking at a totally covered in chocolate dough Max.

"Where? I thought I cleaned everything" Max responded. 

Logan sighed and continued his laugh, then threw a clean kitchen towel at him, telling him where he was still dirty while taking a seat to taste what they had prepared during the evening.

"It's not that bad" he exclaimed, chewing the biggest bite of cheese and ham toast Max had ever seen.

Logan raised the volume of his phone when he heard the first bits of  "Last Christmas" were playing.

By then, the trust between the two was near to the one in a years-long friendship, after all those hours spent together and a common goal in mind. For this sole reason, Logan felt confident enough to start singing his favorite Christmas song.

Max turned around with a shocked look. Not because Logan's singing skills were terrible, well not only because of this, but because he didn't think Logan was one to start singing around what was a stranger until a few hours before. 

And again his emotions changed, his heart melting a little. Logan singing like this in front of him meant that he trusted him enough to show him his silly side.

Max decided to match his energy and start wiggling his hips and dancing a little around the room.

The two were so lost in the moment they couldn't hear the owner of the house entering firstly the place, and then the kitchen.

"What in the world you two?" Oscar looked totally agape.

 Max and Logan fastly looked at each other and the american jumped between his best friend and his new one to try protecting him from any crazy action the Aussie could have done.

Max and Logan both knew Oscar wasn't one for physical contact, (everybody around him knew it) and because of it they were used to him never touching them. This was why, when they saw him coming this close so fastly, they were scared Oscar was about to stab one or both of them with a random pointy ornament found in the home.

It must've been a particularly shocking period for Max.

First Lando's announcement, then Logan's new friendship, and now a hug from Oscar.

"Thank you for everything" Max and Logan heard Oscar's muffled voice buried in their clothes and both moved a little because of the little gesture.

"That's no problem mate, really" Max assured him.

"C'mon now, there's people arriving here to party" Logan tried to lighten up the mood, receiving the tiniest and cutest laugh from Oscar.

"I don't think it's the worst idea you've had until now" Max whisper-screamed at his phone in his best friend's kitchen while everybody else, including Oscar, in the living room was living their best life.

It was at least the fourth phrase he had heard from Lando about what he thought could be the best starter of his proposal-speech.

"Well, at least not the weirdest" he continued.

"Ehy!" Lando laughed at him, but still his stress wasn't relieved, not even a bit.

Max, for the fiftieth time, didn't know how to act.

Like, what did he have to say? Something funny to let the pressure decrease? Or something meaningful to be That One friend for once?

He decided that saying nothing was the best option. For both, him and his friend. He was, actually, not a hundred percent sure about it, but on the spot he failed to think about anything better.

"I think it's better if I go now" Max admitted after a few moments of silence.

He received a "yeah" as an answer and immediately hung up.

Max was totally sure there were more mature things to do than he, seconds after, did. But, unfortunately, less mature things are usually the more spontaneous ones.

This is why, when his phone turned on again, seeing the new message from Lando and texted him back, the only natural thing to do that came to his mind was to start jumping and giggling, just like a schoolgirl.

He got only one thing not calculated in his mind: the fact that Oscar might be keen on entering his own kitchen for whatever reason. 

So when he turned around to face the exit, he found there on the door an astonished Oscar staring at him.

Max couldn't tell what was open wider: Oscar's eyes or his mouth.

Anyway, he had to think about a not-too-much- suspicious reaction on the spot. And surely he had never been good at thinking on the spot.

That's the reason why the first thing Max did was rebuking him, closing the door on his face.

Just a single moment after he thought that maybe his actions were more suspicious than anything else he could have done. 

With a worried expression folding his eyebrows, Max took his phone from the marble table's surface again and fastly texted to his friend he might have done something wrong.

"I'm here"

This was the message he had been waiting for the entire time, but now that Lando had sent it to him, Max was starting to get agitated again, knowing exactly what it meant.

"Is everything ready?" Was the following text he received, to which he answered with a "gimme 5 mins" 

The only three things he had to do were: inform Logan, inform every other guest and prepare Oscar.

The guests heard the news with surprise and loving eyes, while Logan started to sweat a bit.

Last point on his list was to take Oscar in front of the entrance and then his work would be done perfectly. 

But where the hell was Oscar? He had asked Liam, Max (the other one) and even Niran, but they knew less than him. So he searched in every room of the house, even the bathroom, but when he had knocked on the bathroom door, Logan's voice had answered him.

Max asked his and Lando's long time friend to text the next-to-be fiance and tell him to wait.

He tried to think about what could have happened: Lando would have rang the doorbell and Max would've opened the door instead of Oscar and Lando would've found his best friend instead of the love of his life in front of him (already on one knee and with the ring box open and about to repeat the speech he had been talking about for weeks) and then Lando would've asked him "what the hell?" and then he should have answered him with something like "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but we have lost your future husband, we apologize for the unease" and what could've been Lando's reaction to it all?

Max's morbius thoughts were taking such a part of his brain, he didn't realize Logan had taken Oscar all the way in the living room, just right before entering the entrance.

When Max turned around and saw him, immediately looked at his friend Niran, winking at him as a way to give him the signal for Lando to ring.

All the guests were ready with their phones in their hands, faking sending and receiving messages or searching for something on google. Actually they were all about to flash the lights of their phones to make the atmosphere, using the devices just like in the 70s they used lighters.

Except for Charles: he was the one in charge of recording the video, in fact he had the best position of sight.

Max got out of the kitchen as the doorbell rang and Oscar (in a new outfit) rushed to open the door.

"My guest must've arrived" he announced looking at the young Aussie.

From his point of view, Max couldn't properly see all the scene, so he moved through the tangle of guests to crouch down one step away from Charles.

From there, Max could see everything perfectly: Oscar's (flabbergasted, he might add) expression, the fabulous ring, and most importantly his kneeling best friend and the biggest smile he had ever seen on his face.

#f1 #formula 1 #charles leclerc #landoscar fic #landoscar #lando norris #oscar piastrixlando norris #oscar piastri #f1 fic #logan sargeant #max fewtrell #max verstappen #f1 fluff #fluff

[mysticstronomy]

WHAT IS OUR UNIVERSE EXPANDING INTO??

Blog#265

Wednesday, January 25th, 2023

Welcome back,

That’s a great question. The answer, though, is that it’s not a great question. It’s a little tricky, so let me walk you through it. Yes, our universe is expanding. Our universe has no center and no edge. The Big Bang didn’t happen in one location in space.

The Big Bang happened everywhere in the cosmos simultaneously. The Big Bang was not a point in space. It was a point in time. It exists in all of our paths.

When we say the universe is expanding, we mean that if you map a bunch of galaxies and measure the average distances between those galaxies, you’ll get a number, and then you wait a little bit, a year, a billion years, whatever, and then you go to make the same measurement.

Those distances, the average distances, are going to be larger. When we say we live in an expanding universe, we’re saying that the distances between galaxies, on average, grows with time. And that’s it. There’s no center, there’s no edge.

From our perspective here in the Milky Way, it looks like the entire universe is expanding away from us. But if I go to literally any other galaxy in the entire cosmos, I get the same view. It looks like all the galaxies are expanding away from me.

The universe doesn’t expand into anything or from anywhere. The universe expands from itself and into itself. And I know that’s very hard to visualize, but thankfully, we have these powerful tools like mathematics that allow us to grapple with techniques that even we can’t imagine.

There does not have to be a frontier. We can define this very well mathematically, but let me ask you, “What is the center of the Earth?” You’ll say, “It’s the core where all the molten iron stuff is and all the mole people live. It’s in the center of the Earth.” OK. You can point to that.

But what if I were to ask you a slightly different question instead: “What is the center of the surface of the Earth?” Just latitude and longitude, give me the center of that. There is no answer.

We have a North Pole. We have a South Pole. But those are arbitrary. You can put those wherever you want. And imagine our Earth was getting bigger and we were to measure the distance between New York and Paris, and then every year that distance is getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

There’s no center, no edge. And yet the distance between any two points still grows. This is very easy to visualize in two dimensions. We live in a three-dimensional universe. I can’t imagine it. I can’t think of it. I can think of the analogies in two dimensions, and I can trust the mathematics to take me into three dimensions.

Originally published on nautil.us

COMING UP!!

(Saturday, January 28th, 2023)

"CAN A STAR SURVIVE A BLACK HOLE??"

#astronomy #outer space #alternate universe #astrophysics #spacecraft #universe #white universe #space #parallel universe #astrophotography #cosmology #big bang comics

[ignis-writes]

By Chance, By Choice

Summary: Summary: Will Syverson and y/n find love during hard times in an alliance made to keep the peace? (im bad at summaries)

Pairing:mob boss!Logan Syverson x female reader

Word count: around 1.7K

Warning: mob and stuff like that, mentions of fight bloodshed, arranged marriage. angst, fluff, and hardcore smut in future parts

A/N: This chapter is just an introduction to the universe from the reader's pov. English is not my first language and this fic is Not beta'd like everything else on this page. So look out for obvious mistakes

Image credits: Pinterest

Even if u don't like this, please comment, would be a great help to improve

*No permission is given of reposting, copying my work or ideas and parts from it and claiming it as your own* 

Arranged marriage AU -

Mob Boss AU

Chapter 1

The Engagement

An Arranged marriage? It sounded ridiculous and impractical.  But belonging to a mob family that had been around the blood business for so long, I've heard it often, especially around my eldest brother's marriage. Back then it felt like an alternate option if tinder doesn't work, but right now I'm close to no option. 

From a third-person perspective, It was like, everything was handed to me on a silver plate, and to a point it was true. Being the daughter of an influential man, and being raised in a wealthy family I did not have many struggles compared to an average person. But the problem with the silver plate is that it comes chained to your arms. This chain essentially limited my freedom to choose many things for myself, from where I studied to what I wore. And now who I married.

So when my father casually broke the news of this proposal at the dinner and asked for my opinion, I was not surprised. And by the looks exchanged between my brothers, Jude and Milan, It was clear that I shouldn't have a bad opinion for starters. This was not a proposal but a promise, a promise made on my life without my knowledge or consent. A promise put together by two mobsters for god knows what purpose. A business agreement? A peace treaty? I was yet to find. 

The Syversons were a familiar name in the underworld. The man I was supposed to marry was Logan Syverson, the old Don's younger son and only heir since the passing of his father and the murder of his elder brother Richard. Richard's death created a series of shootouts and gang wars which led to a fiasco that called for immediate negotiations and peace. Plus Syverson shared his high school and college days with my second brother, so they were pretty close even after all these years. This is all I knew about the man I was supposed to marry and his family. Still, I got ready to meet him and his family since my father had way too much hope in this alliance and he even went to the extent of thinking we would make an excellent couple. That was the clue, father wasn't just wagering a business deal, he wanted to "join the families " or whatever it meant. 

____________

The night before my engagement to him or my first time meeting my future husband, I couldn't sleep and had mixed feelings about him, about the marriage, and its aptitude for building anything more than a peace treaty between 2 groups of influential people. I wondered if I will like the stranger of a fiancee. A part of me feared it was probably gonna be another faux excuse for marriage, like Jude and Catherine. Even though they were lovely individuals with much kindness and love in their hearts they didn't work well as a team. On the other hand. I had my parents and their extraordinary bond to look up to. They loved cherished and respected each other and set a great example for their 4 kids to follow. Once I heard Uncle Benjin say they hit the jackpot when it came to an arranged marriage while toasting to the well-being of their relationship on its 25th anniversary, that was 10 years ago when I was 15. 

I kept tossing and turning in my bed for a few more hours so I went down to the kitchen to grab a drink, maybe if I had enough alcohol to doze off my system, I could fall asleep. Stupid thought actually, I was more likely to stay up if I drank. So I opened the fridge instead, to find ice cream. There was always some ice cream in this fridge. When I was around 5-6 used to sneak out with my brother to get some sweets past midnight, but pappa would catch us. He was never mad at us once he even joined our Lil ice cream adventure with his own share of choco chip cookies dipped in a warm glass of milk. It was our lil guilty pleasure.  But this time for a change I saw my mamma, she stood by the kitchen window looking out into the vineyard. 

"Mamma? " 

"Oh honey, you can't sleep either? " 

"yeahhh. I'm glad I have company, maybe a lil ice cream would help? 

"sit down you, I'll get the ice cream"

she turned to the fridge in a hurry before I managed to turn up the lights, and a tear? Was she crying? For what???

Knowing my mom, if I asked she would get annoyed further so I didn't ponder it any further. We sat together with the ice cream and talked about the past, not anything serious but all the silly stupid things I and my brothers did as kids, and giggled at some really awkward memories. We purposefully avoided talking about that time when pappa got shot and we had to move away for some time. After all, weren't trying to send away any hopes of sleeping tonight, and when silence fell again I asked. 

"ma, I don't know what it is but you know you can talk to me, right...…" 

"Oh it's nothing honey, it's just " her eyes were damp again.

"It's just I always felt like you never liked this lifestyle, the constant fear, instability and everything bad that came with the money and power… *sigh * I didn't get to choose who I married, but fortunately I married a good man. Together we made a family brick by brick. It was not easy, we took it slow and steady. Had to pretend at some part, had to turn a blind eye, forget and forgive but the efforts were mutual, we fell in love with each other.  

But for you, I hoped better, like you could choose your life, your husband, and ever since your pappa came up with this proposal I had this impending feeling that like you would have chosen to marry outside this society if it was your call.  Even cut all ties with this dangerous world and move out to somewhere peaceful, and…and normal. So yeah..." She wiped another drop of tear and continued "Im sorry we had to lock u right back into this world where mothers start every day with the fear of not seeing their children and husband ever again... it's terrible, really"

 

For a second I didn't know what to say, but I couldn't leave her in the silence either so I said, just for the sake of saying anything

"Oh mamma, you don't worry about that for a moment. I am your daughter, I will not just let somebody's arrangement decide the course of my life. And about getting out of this world, I was born here but never a part of it. Always a bystander to whatever went on in the name of the "family business" always a wallflower. I hated it of course, by trying my best not to see too much, not to let it bother me. my life was good so far ma, it will be good in the future cuz it was and will always be my decision to keep my happiness. So My marriage will be good, or I will make it good. " I said smiling 

No matter what I said, no matter how confident I sounded It was confusing, the hour was late and my mind was still wandering but after a few minutes with mamma, I felt like I could nod off for a while.

__________

The engagement went well, well…not uneventfully well. I wore a simple pink dress and waited in my room, Catherine was there to help me calm down my nerves. She said she knew him, not well enough but she said he wasn't a bad guy maybe it was true, maybe it was true. Maybe she just wanted me to calm down. When pappa led me to the hall he was silent except for the kind smile he offered me but his face was optimistic.

The hall was decorated in pink and white flowers and laces. The delicate sound of the piano kept humming a familiar tune. Not many people stood there, just his family, the closest of his friends, and mine. He was already there when I walked down the stairs, he must have seen me first because when I spotted him his eyes were already on me. Damm, he was handsome.

Some part of me wished I could meet him sooner. But another part of me was still a bit anxious. Finally, we got engaged, shook hands, and talked a bit....a lot. He was taller than I expected and well built. His eyes were many hues of blue with an isle of brown.

'Cute. My kids are gonna have those eyes' I caught myself thinking. wait, what???? I met this man 5 mins ago and I was already planning kids and their eye color. There is seriously something wrong with me.

As soon as the crowd around us took off to socialize with others, he asked me if he could get me a glass of champagne. Sure he might have noticed me not standing still and shifting weight from leg to leg. So we sat down by the balcony and he got me my glass. The fact that he served in the army as a captain back when Richard and his dad ran the business was new to me. He asked if I was okay, with this... This means the marriage and him. He was a good listener, he let me talk and paid attention. He seemed friendly and polite. Altogether a nice guy but still a stranger. Some part of me hoped this sweet demeanor was not just an act. 

My parents and his mom's brother, ( who first approached my dads with this proposal) were in a hurry to get us married so the wedding was fixed 2 weeks away from the engagement. Wow.  It was too fast, and I was quite stressed as it was. The ceremony would be a gathering for the so-called superiors of the mob world. I would be able to call my best friend Vivienne, that's it. No one else. But what intimidated me was the haste around getting this done, why this rush, were they preparing for something else? The silence and the haste surrounding the engagement and the wedding gave me an eerie sensation, one strong enough to wonder if I was walking into a trap.

Or Maybe I can walk into a fairytale.

I went to bed replaying the conversation we had. It felt comforting, but not enough. I wanted to see him again, talk to him, and dance with him. That night I fell asleep quicker than I expected with a silent smile upon my face and a hopeful warmth filling my soul.

'It's gonna be alright ' I told myself

#henry cavill #captain syverson #mob!boss syverson #mob au #captain syverson fanfiction #henry cavill fanfic #chris evans #arranged marriage

[fieldofdaisiies]

Ultima Ex Nobis | ch. XIV

-all rights reserved-

Nessian AU word count: ~2,6k words warnings: smut, f o r, minors dni summary: Six years into a global pandemic which was caused by a mass fungal infection that turns hosts into zombie-like creatures and makes the whole of Prythian collapse, the former army general Cassian Cadell is tasked with one very special mission – escorting Nesta Archeron, one of the few immune survivors, across a post-apocalyptic Prythian to a group of people of the name L. Their identity  is unknown but they can make an antidote.

masterlist

It isn’t in Nesta’s nature to kill an innocent deer for the sake of them having food. But during this tense time, she has figured, you simply had to do things –unspeakable things– in order to survive. Both Eris and Azriel gasped when they saw the huge stag Cassian has carried home and now it was lying on the garage floor. Azriel parked the car differently, making more room for the deer and Eris offered —he after all was the doctor— to cut the animal open and prepare the meat for their dinner. 

“Killing is never easy.” With that Cassian sits down on the couch next to Nesta. “No matter if it is a human being or an animal. You take a life and that is never easy. If I had known that it would affect you that much I would not have—“ “I am glad you brought me along. Please, don’t worry. I can deal with it. And after all, I wanted to join.” Nesta says and turns her head to him. “Are you okay, though?”

“I am, Nesta. I really am, thank you for asking.” Nesta. Her name hollows through her mind and she knows that only when Cassian is really sincere or serious he speaks her full name. She knows that right now she can believe him. There is a little awkward tension between the two of them, there is desire that is slowly stretching out, making their hearts beat faster and their skin grow tight and their is a sudden silence in the living room that makes them both nervous. Cassian can barely focus. He just wants to bury his head between her…well, between her thighs and drink her in, taste her and—

He can’t think of that right now, otherwise he would have to endure dinner with a constant boner and that he really does not want. It would be odd, inappropriate and he would never hear the end of it. 

“Az!” Cassian says in a loud voice and stands up in one fluid motion. With fast steps and a rigid posture, he leaves the living room, walks into the adjoint kitchen and braces his hands on the backrest of Azriel’s chair. “Cass?” Azriel asks calmly, his eyes fully focused on the screen in front of him. It is a shame that Azriel can no longer work for the government, Cassian thinks, but the government they once knew is no longer. Azriel was a great spy, the country profited a lot of him. 

“Any news?”

The former spy gives his head a little shake and that is all of an answer Cassian gets. But he rests his arms on the chair, looks over Azriel’s broad shoulders and tries to figure out what the numbers and lines and figures and tables and all that stuff on his best friend’s computer mean. “Any idea who L is?” Azriel shakes his head again, this time the movement is barely visible and Cassian gets the memo that Azriel does not really feel like talking right now. So he lets go of the chair, turns around and assess the kitchen. He can’t go back into the living room, he would take Nesta right on the couch if he went back in there. So this is no option, they at least have to keep up some modesty. 

It is then that the door opens and Eris, his hands covered in blood, carries in a big piece of meat that he places in a casserole that rests on the stove. Cassian inclines his head at Eris who walks up to the sink and washes his hands. 

Cassian’s attention returns to the hanging calendar he has glanced at when the door opened. It hangs on the wall in front of him. He has only seen it a few seconds ago. It is marked up with appointments that make the insides of his stomach sour. Judy’s birthday party, May 25th 2019 - Emma dentist appointment, May 26th 2019, Judy cheerleading practice—

Cassian has to tear his eyes away from the wall, and lets his gaze wander to the rack of metal pots hanging on the wall across from him. Below them Eris puts all sort of things on the meat and then lifts it up to put the casserole into the oven. 

Around an hour later the meat is ready to be eaten and it is only then that Nesta appears in the kitchen. Cassian does not know what she has been doing in the meantime. Maybe she was reading in her smutty romance books, looking for some inspiration for later on. Has he perfectly fought the rising desire inside of him, is all that forgotten when his thoughts once again wander to this dark place in his mind. Right, Cassian thinks, I actually tried to not think about sex with Nesta Archeron for at least ten minutes. 

The meal is good and fresh, tastes better than anything they have eaten in the past weeks, months actually. It is Nesta who moans around a bite she takes and it definitely sends the wrong signals to one specific body part of Cassian. He curls his hands into a fists and calls upon his rationality. It is not possible to crave someone that much. He must be going crazy, he concludes. Luckily neither Eris nor Azriel notice his aroused state — the latter is too focused on the figures and lines on his computer, the former too focused on trying to tear Azriel away from said computer and make him eat his dinner. Their tummies are full and happy by the time they finish eating and Nesta is the first to thank them all for preparing it. But it is Eris who says, nothing but sincerity in his voice, “You helped hunt for our dinner. We should be thanking you.” In unison the three men say thank you and tears start to build up in Nesta’s eyes. She forces a smile to her lips, her throat burning at their kindness because no one has ever thanked her for what she has done. 

“But Cassian—“ “You were there, Nes. You nearly shot a doe. That is what matters.” Cassian winks at her and finishes his last piece of meat before pushing his plate back. Their gazes meet, they are full of heat and passion and neither can look away. 

“I…” Nesta pushes her chair back, wipes her hands down her thighs and stands. “I will take a shower now.” Her gaze leaves Cassian when she turns around. 

But that is not the end of this conversation. She is on the verge of leaving the room, and quickly glances over her shoulder, right into Cassian’s eyes, grinning and hoping it is invitation enough for him to join her. She really hopes that he gets it, not knowing how to make it more obvious that she wants to shower with him. 

And he does understand. The moment Nesta is out of the room, Cassian stands as well. “I’ll clean that all up tomorrow morning. Do me one favour and go upstairs,” —Cassian smirks— “and draw a blind eye. Both of you.”

The two men chuckle, but understand and quickly put their dishes into the sink before strolling out of the room. Cassian can see how absolutely not easy it is for Azriel to leave his computer and his findings behind, but he also knows that his brother would do everything for him and he values that a lot. 

“But Cass,” Azriel says and turns back to his brother. He grins, and it is mischievous. “Don’t show your hand all at once.” With a wink Azrile leaves the room. Cassian hears the two men walk up the staircase and once the sound of a door being close reaches his ears he sets out for the bathroom, knocking softly when he arrives there. He does not have to wait long for the yes, and walks in, his heart beating in his throat. 

There she stands, dressed in only the white lacy underwear and for a moment Cassian forgets how to breathe. “Took you quite a while,” Nesta hums, slowly letting her eyes trail over him. There is fire in them, a fire Cassian has not seen there before. He does not really know what has changed between them, but probably it is the comfort and security they offer each other. 

“I had to make sure we were alone.” Cassian smirks again, leaning against the door, and crosses his strong arms over his chest. “So I assume it was an invitation to…?” He cocks his brow and waits. 

“To save some water,” Nesta says with a hint of gleeful joy in her voice. “You know we live in a crisis and it would be a shame to waste more water than needed. If we shower together we will make sure not a single drop too much is wasted.” Her hair slides over her shoulder when Nesta cranes her neck, letting her finger trail from her collar bone down to her cleavage. Cassian’s eyes follow the movement and leave heat in every place they touch. His gaze explores, touches all the places he later on wants to devour with his hands. He grins then, gives his head a little shake and pushes off the wall. His voice lowers when he says, “You will be my end, Nes,” and his hands capture her face. For a moment they look each other, then their lips meet in a searing kiss. Nesta claws at his shirt, and manages to pull it over his head a moment later. They have to break the kiss to get rid off the other pieces of clothing, their hands not working fast enough for both their liking. The former general spins Nesta around, his front pressed against her back, Nesta hands braced on the sink. With casual simplicity Cassian manages to unclip her bra and just a second later it goes flying across the room, landing somewhere close to the toilet. He stands behind her, meeting her gaze through the dusty mirror. Then his lips lower to her shoulder, he kisses her there, nibbles softly when his hands come up, brushing over her breasts, the hardened peaks and he begins to palm her. “Say you want that, Nes.”

Her lips part with a little moan when he rolls her right nipple between his thumb and forefinger, his arousal a hard press against her butt. “I want that,” Nesta breathes. Her eyes fall shut, but she forces them open and meets Cassian’s gaze again. “I want you.” He thrusts his hips into her a little, then pulls back so he can pull down her panties, leaving her absolutely bare for him. She is glistening already, and a low groan leaves Cassian at the sight of her. He pulls the grey joggers down his hips, his underwear coming off as well, his hard length springing free. “Shower. Now.” It sounds like a command, but it comes out gentler, more like a request. 

Her cunt is dripping with arousal when Cassian stands in front of her in all his naked glory. Her back is pressed against the shower wall, Cassian’s hands on her body, his lips on her mouth. He is touching her everywhere, his presence fills the whole room, her whole body, her mind. There is only Cassian and he is every inside of her system. Nesta reaches between the two of them, stroking his hard cock, loving how the tall general shudders with her first touch. He places a sloppy kiss right below her ear, and turns on the water that is falling down on them in wet and hot drops. “You want my cock, huh?” Nesta moans, her thumb brushing his tip where a bead of moisture has already gathered. “Yes,” she breathes, turning her head so she can kiss his cheek. “I want all of you.”

Don’t show your hand all at once. Azriel’s words sound in his mind and as much as he wants to fuck Nesta against the shower wall, he also wants to do things slower with her. Not already go full in. One step at the time, or so. “You won’t be getting my cock tonight.” He swipes his thumb over her lower lip, grinning at her little pout. “Patience, Nes.” 

And with that he crouches down in front of her, his large hands grabbing her thighs so he can spread her legs. She is wet, rosy and so ready for him. Cassian nearly comes at the sight of her, his cock painfully throbbing, but tonight he would only offer her his tongue. His hand slides to her knee and he skillfully lifts her leg, placing her knee over his shoulder so he has better access to her centre. He kisses her there, a small peck, a tiny taste when he licks over his lower lip, savouring his first taste of her. She tastes like heaven. 

The moment Nesta’s back bows of the wall and her hand fists his hair he lets his tongue glide through her wet folds, the hot water falling down on him. He devours her, his lips capture the tight bud at the apex of her thighs. Nesta removes his hair from the hair tie, twirling his strands around her fingers. Cassian loves how she shivers and moans when he flicks his tongue at her click, soft at first, then harder, suckling and licking, devouring her. Nesta claws at his scalp, her other hand grabbing her breast. Her head is thrown back, lips parted, eyes squeezed closed. Cassian is stroking himself, grabbing himself harder at the high pitched moans that leave Nesta, how her breathing quickens, how she is rubbing herself against his face. He laps at the arousal leaking out of her, collecting it all before going back to sucking on her clit. She is screaming his name, curses mixing in, by the time her walls tighten. She wants to clench her thighs, Cassian’s light stubble and his long hair tickling her skin when she presses her leg against his head. She will definitely have whisker burn on her thighs the next morning. 

But Nesta does not care about it, all she cares is the immense amount of pleasure crashing into her. She comes with a cry of bliss, her knees buckling but Cassian is there to catch her. When he straightens, he lifts her into his arms, pressing her against the wall behind them, kissing her deeply. Nesta can taste herself on his lips, on his tongue. Her legs curl around his waist, his cock wedged between them. They kiss, savour the taste of the other until no air is left in their lunge and they have to part. Cassian’s hand is braced on the shower wall next to Nesta’s head, his chest heaving with deep inhales when he turns a little and spills himself against the shower wall and the floor, the water from the shower thank God cleaning it all. 

“I think I was wrong,” he breathes. “The meat clearly wasn’t the best thing I ate tonight.” A grin spreads over his lips before Cassian kisses the corner of Nesta’s mouth. Her lips are still parted, her face flushed, her eyes wide. But then she grins and it lights up the whole room, Cassian’s heart and he wraps her into his arms, and kisses the side of her head.

~~~~~~~~

tags: @helhjertet @moonlightazriel@crushedcloudsx @brekkershadowsinger @girasoli-e-sorrisi @ignite-me@swifti-ed @cassiansbigwingspan @burningsnowleopard @headcanonheadcase @banasheefan56 @a-frog-with-a-laptop

#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian acotar #cassian #nessian au #acotar au #acotar #acosf

[firstaidspray]

OC Interview!!

Tagged by @adelaidedrubman to do an interview for Reverie. Well, for an oc, but I chose Reverie so this is what you get.

...

"An interview? Like, for a new job?" Reverie tilts her head. "I like my job in surgery, thanks. Don't want a job on your team, much as I like hanging around your office."

House scoffs. "Hire you for my team? A nurse? Please. No, this is an interview for a campaign for Princeton-Plainsboro, something about "good publicity." Don't think you're special, I had to do one too."

Rolling her eyes, Reverie takes a seat at the table. "Yeah, 'cause you're the picture perfect example of good publicity, House. 'Kay, so where do I start?"

"Just talk to the camera like a person," Cuddy interjects, popping out from behind said device. "Don't be shy. God knows he wasn't."

Reverie inhales sharply and stares at the camera with those eerily dark, almost-black brown eyes. "Fine. Fire away."

Name: Reverie. No, I don't have a last name. So don't ask again.

Nickname: Rev, Angel, some stuff House calls me that I'd rather not repeat.

Gender: Angel. (House: not a gender!) *sighs* Fine, I'm a girl.

Star Sign: Pisces. Birthday's coming up, you know. The 25th. Just a tip.

Personality Type: The first day of nursing school, they made us do these ridiculous tests, and apparently I'm an INFP. I don't really know what any of that shit means.

Height: 5’1. 5'4 with the halo. Which Cuddy doesn't let me wear to work anymore...

Orientation: Bisexual. And before you ask me for the fiftieth time, House, I've never had a threesome. (House: you're no fun!)

Nationality/Ethnicity: Aussie born and raised, now I'm in New Jersey.

Fave Fruit: Citrus, give me anything citrus. I'll take the limes out your Corona and suck 'em. House, keep your mouth shut on that.

Fave Season: I'm assuming you mean Northern Hemisphere, since I'm living in the great state of New Jersey now. Summer. Chase takes me surfing in the summer, we go to the beach a lot. It's warm. Whatever.

Fave Flower: Everyone around me is convinced this is a subtle psychological influence from playing Metal Gear Solid 3, but star of Bethlehem. House, keep your mouth shut. You can say you're not a video game dork but the fact that you attribute my love for a damn flower to a game is kind of contradictory, no?

Fave Scent: There's this Tyler Candle scent, Diva. I wash all my clothes and sheets in it, light candles of it. I made it Chase's favorite scent, too.

Coffee, Tea, or Hot Chocolate: FUCK HOT DRINKS.

Average Hours of Sleep: I'm a surgical assistant RN on call constantly. Answering this is like playing roulette.

Dog or Cat Person: I love all animals, so I like to say equal. I'm honestly more of a fish person, though. I keep begging Chase for a fish tank. When we get a bigger place, he says...

Dream Trip: Chase and I will return to Australia, and he'll take me diving in the Great Barrier Reef. We'll surf and comb the beach and explore parts of the country I never got to see growing up. Together.

Favorite Fictional/Real Character: Babydoll from Sucker Punch. I'd like to dress as her one day.

Number of Blankets You Sleep With: One, but Chase and I each have our own because if we try to share one I always steal it.

Random Fact: House and I race our motorcycles to work sometimes. I always beat him.

House peeks into the frame. "Okay, you may lie to the camera with cute stories about the beach and your little boyfriend, but that is one lie I will not let your smooth-talking, con artist self get away with. I have beaten you at least five times."

"They weren't lies, House. Some people are happy. And..hmm...to be fair, there was a tie once."

"A tie? A t-- no it wasn't!"

The two are about to break into an argument when Cuddy shuts off the camera and says, "Okay! That's enough! Reverie, why don't you take five and go find Chase?"

#my ocs #reverie #tag game #revchase #<- mentioned!!!!

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Vol:13 - Looking back at the 25th Anniversary tour. 

*As soon as the wait screen appears, the sound of the director instructing Kaoru about the plan for the free half and the paid half can be heard. A few comments pop up saying, "We can hear you" etc, and the mics are promptly turned off until the official start time😅*

K: Hi, and welcome to The Freedom of Expression live on our Niconama channel. Im Kaoru from Dir en grey. 

J: Im Joe Yokomizo. 

T: And Im Tasai from Tokyo Sports. 

*applause*

K: Its been a while since we were here. 

J: This studio? It has, yeh. Is this where we did the Christmas tree last year?

K: Was that last year? Yeh, last year. 

J: Was it this year?

T: It was last year, wasn't it? Eh?! Was that last year??

K: Eh? haha

J: It was last year, right?

T: Yeh, yeh. It was last year. 

J: Since covid though, don't you feel like its kinda hard to know what happened when over these last two years? Don't you like, lose a sense of it? Or is that just me getting old?

K: Hm, Im not sure. 

J: We did do the tree here though, right?

K: Yeah, we did. And we made that cake. 

J: We did! 

T: Oh, yes. 

K: And we made Takoyaki. It makes me think we are gonna eat whenever I come here. And we had all the Umaibos!

J: Was it here where we went up to the roof at New Year?

K: Oh, what was it?...Bubbles, and stuff. 

J: Was that here?

K: Yeah, I think it was. 

T: *reading comments* One year since the cake, that black cake.  

K: *notices the comments* Eh?! It looks like umaibo. (*there is a kind of wierd graphic in the comments*)

J: Woah. How do they do that? People are so creative. Ahh, the cake of darkness, yeh. 

T: That tasted good. 

J: Ah, memories, memories. Well, anyway, today we dont have any cake, or Christmas activities, but more importantly, Kaoru, congratulations on completing the 25th anniversary tour!

*applause* 

K: Thank you. 

J: So, the tour is now finished, after starting on October 25th and continuing nationwide. And you did one extra show on Dec 16th, with audience cheering allowed! I wonder if anyone who went to that show is watching now? I think a lot of the people watching us today will have gone to at least one show during the tour...Oh, whats that? Kaoru's mic is hitting his necklace? 

*Kaoru fixes his mic*

T: (*reading comments*) "Thank you for coming to Tokorozawa!"

J: Ah, "I went to Shinjuku". That has become a legendary performance. 

T: "It was so much fun!"

J: "At last, I could use my voice!" Ahh, keep sending in your comments. Oh, so by the way, the theme of this live broadcast is 'Tour 22: From Depression to____ After-Talk Special'!

*applause*

J: Ahh, "I couldn't get tickets to Shinjuku", "I went to Sendai", "I went to Osaka and Amagasaki". Ok, so Leader, the tour is over, but first just give us a quick word on your feelings about it. 

K: Well, hmm, a lot of people came, so I'm really thankful to everyone who did. 

J: I see. Tasai, what would you like to ask?

T: Well, I went to Haneda. It was quite a different feeling there. It looked like you guys were having a lot of fun on stage, but how was it really for you?

K: Well...I'm gonna get a bit serious here, haha...Uh, well, normally we'd release an album, and do a tour, and the songs would be all kinda new, right? So as we do the tour, we'd be kinda gradually chasing the songs up to a higher level as we play them. But this time, we've already done all there is to do with these songs...It might sound strange to say it, but there is nothing higher to achieve with them. Plus, parts of them are ingrained in us, so we know exactly how they will flow out. 

J: You mean, you've perfected them live?

K: Yeah, so it wasn't really a case of 'How is this tour going to go?', but rather, 'How can we make each day exciting?'. So, that was actually quite difficult, haha.

T: Ah, like retaining your motivation?

K: Yeh, or like trying to decide which parts we need to spice up on each day, and stuff. It wouldn't be very exciting if we just played the songs the same old way as usual. I mean, even for us too. So we kinda fumbled along, trying to make each day of the tour exciting. 

J: I see, so if you have a new album out, your big goal is to perfect the songs live, but with these songs that you already know so well, you had to kind of set yourself new objectives, or missions for each day of the tour?

K: Yes. It also reminded me of my past self, well, in my playing style too, but also in my movements and stuff. It was almost as if my past self was trying to emerge, I remembered how I used to be on stage. It felt too different from my current self, and I didn't really want to go there. That was hard for me.  

J: Well, a live show is a bit like a documentary of current times, so in that sense, you didn't want to fall back into your old habits?

K: You could say that, for me. It was difficult anyway. 

T: What exactly do you mean by your past self emerging? 

K: Well, it could be anything. When I'm playing a song, the feelings I had in the past emerge in my body, you know? I mean, I don't know if thats actually how I really was, but, you know? 

J: It happens spontaneously, right?

K: Also, we had a bit of leeway with them this time, right?

J: Ah, yeh, because they are not new songs? 

K: So, I ended up feeling like I need to do something different with them. I could simply just play them as they were, but I did end up feeling like I need to do something with them. I had this kind of ongoing internal conflict in my head..'You don't need to change it, its fine', and 'Oh, you need to do something with this!'. 

J: Were there any parts of the tour where you really tried to challenge yourself with the old material?

K: Well, no, in that sense we put a group of recent songs in the middle of each set, then we put in the new 'ain't' after those. That was the part where we could challenge our current selves. So thats what we considered while making the rest of each setlist. 

J: I see. Someone asked, "How do you feel about the re-recorded versions?" Everyone is sending a lot of enthusiastic questions. But, I was gonna say, a live show happens in the moment, right? So you must have had a lot of incidents ocurring on tour, like in the dressing rooms, or in transit etc? Can you tell us about anything that happened during this tour? 

K: Now? Incidents?(*thinks*)

J: Yeah, backstage gossip. We wanna hear about it. 

K: Well, at Haneda, my amp broke. 

T: Which day at Haneda??

K: Day 1, during the rehearsal before the main show. (*To his manager off camera*) It was day 1 wasn't it? Yeah. So we had an emergency substitute brought in. Oh, no, actually on that day we just used a back up one that we already had, but we got a proper substitute in for the following day. I still havn't got mine back yet. 

J: Oh, its still being repaired?

K: Yeah. 

J: ???

K: Well, the staff did their best.

J: Ahh, I see. Well, this kind of thing can happen on tour. 

T: What about food? Did you eat anything nice?

K: Well, we went to Hokkaido at long last. I ate some nice things in Hokkaido. Well, there is good food everywhere though. 

J: Well yeah. What did you eat in Hokkaido?

K: Seafood...Uh, I had Shirako ponzu (*cod milt/sperm with ponzu sauce*)

J: Ahhhh, I wanna eat that!!

K: Hahaha

J: I couldn't go to any of the regional dates, I wanted to go to Osaka though.

K: They don't call it shirako in Hokkaido though, do they? What do they call it again? Tachi?

J: So like 'tachi ponzu'? 

K: Tachipon. 

J: Ahh, did you have sake with it?

K: No, I had a highball. Haha

J: You always drink highballs!

T: Thats the type of thing that would come up in a Kaoru quiz. 

J: Oh, will it?

T: Yeah, you have to remember this. 

K: For another time, right? haha. 

J: Yes, for another time. Thats the keyword to remember with Tachipon. Oh, look, some people are saying they went to Hokkaido. Well, we'll talk more about those details later, but for now the director is telling us to move to the next page. 

(*They all pick up thier notes and turn the page*) 

J: Ok, just notifications to read out. Uh, on this show we really, really welcome lots of comments and messages. Suppport, thoughts, feelings about the show, anything is ok, so please send them in. Twitter users can use the hashtag TFOE. The first part of this show is free for anyone to watch, but the second part is for channel members only. As a member, you can watch the live broadcasts in the archives for one year, and there are also members only videos for you to see, so please everyone...can you see the link at the top of your screen? Leader, point to it. Thank you. Everyone, please use this link to become a member and stay with us to the end. Ok, so for this 25th Anniversary Tour After-Talk Special, here is our first corner. "Ego-surfing for reports of the tour!"

T: Lets do it!

J: We did this once when the album was released, right?

K: Yeah 

J: Well we are going to do another forbidden search, now that the tour is over. Its scary, right?! Searching for yourself online. Eh, someone said  "Aghhh, don't do it!" No, we will do this live. Tasai is currently searching on the PC, but this same Tasai has an injured foot. 

T: Haha, sorry. 

J: What happened? Show us. 

(*Tasai lifts up a bandaged foot*)

T: Its embarrassing, haha. 

J: What happened?

T: I fell over. 

J: Where? 

T: In front of my office. 

J: Ehhh?! Were you drunk?!

T: No I was just setting off for home like normal, and there was a pothole in the road. My foot got caught in it and I fell over sideways. 

J: Honestly though, Leader, don't you think Tasai has gotten bigger? I think he has. 

K: Well, he looks big. 

T: Oh dear, thats not good. What should I do?

J: Whats your weight?

T: About 100kg. 

J: I bet it is, that sounds about right. You fall in a hole with that much weight, this is what happens! How embarrassing. 

K: (*Laughing at Joe*) How embarrassing? Hahaha

J: Look, someone said, "I want to nurse him"

T: Thank you. 

J: There are people like that out there! When you get guys like me laughing at your pain and embarrassment, there are still people out there who want to nurse you. Haha, someone said, "He's getting plump" haha, "Tasai is becoming a Titan". Oh, ok  yes, lets do some ego-sufing. 

T: (*Reading tweets*) Ok, whats this one..."ワシら(wasihra/us)"

K: Thats my tweet, haha.

T: Hahaha  

J: The first one you chose, and its Kaoru's?? Oh, right, Im being told to explain the hashtag. Right, yes. So what we are doing is searching on Twitter for tweets about the tour. We want to see the reports from people who went to see the lives. We are searching using the tag DIRENGREY25th, so if you havn't already tweeted your thoughts, do it now with this tag, and the injured Tasai may just pick up your comment. 

K: These tweets go right back to the start of the tour. 

J: There's so many, its hard to choose, right?

K: Should I do the scrolling (*takes over*)

J: Poor Tasai with his foot, he can't move much. 

T: Haha 

J: Well, if you remember when we did this with Phalaris, even if you write something now, it might still get seen. 

K: (*Reading a tweet*) "There were a load of songs from Vulagar and Withering to Death, it was a great setlist. I wish they had played The Final and Obscure though". 

J: Ahhh

K: Ahh, we didn't play those two on this day. We did on other days, just not this day. 

J: I see, yeh. It depends on the day. Well, later we will talk more about how every single day was different, the director is telling me. 

K: Haha, they weren't that different from each other. They were only a little bit different each time. 

T: You can talk about the reasons for the changes and stuff. 

K: No no, its not that we planned to change stuff, its just like I said before, we just needed to make each day more exciting by changing little things here and there. 

J: Oh, so you didn't have a big plan from the start to make each day totally different?

K: No no. 

J: It was just a little bit to keep up the excitement after each show. 

K: Yeah. 

J: So would you like, finalise or change up your setlists at the last moment?

K: On the same day?

J: Yeah. 

K: Well, we have done that...

J: Amazing!

K: Well, I mean, thats not really a big deal for us. haha. The staff will have to change a few things round for us, but thats about it. 

J: Ahh, I see. (*reading comments*) "Thats backstage gossip too". Right?

K: (*Looking at computer screen*) These are all tweets from Sendai. 

J: Did something special happen at Sendai? 

K: No, no, I mean, we've only scrolled as far as Sendai, haha. 

T:(*Reads out a tweet mentioning Rasetsukoku*)

K: Hm, yeh, we played Rasetsukoku each time. Im just gonna scroll right down...Ah still Sendai.

J: There are so many tweets for each live. 

K: There's still tonnes. Tasai, I was hoping you would have scrolled a bit further by now. Hahaha. 

J: Yep, there they are both, scrolling away. Are you past Sendai yet?

K: Uh, Zepp Sapporo. 

T: (*Reads out a tweet saying that Saku was the first song*). Ah, starting with Saku!

J: Yeh, I noticed a few days started with Saku when I saw the setlists. Im honestly a bit envious. Starting with Saku is epic, right?!

K: Really?

J: Yes. 

K: Actually, we started with Rasetsukoku for the first two days. 

J: Oh, really?! Thats the rule??

K: The rule? Haha, no, we just decided off the cuff. 

J: Oh, is that it?

K: Yeah. 

(*Louds noise blares out. Kaoru looks shocked and wide-eyed. The sound goes off, and then the video stops for several mins. A message pops up informing of technical difficulties*) 

K: Ok 

J: Ok, we're back! We did it!

T: We're back!

J: The tech staff got us back. 

K: That was quite scary wasn't it?

J: Yeah! Like 'Kyaaaaa' all of a sudden. 

T: It was like a screech from another world. 

K: I was pretty shocked. 

J: Someone in the comments asked if it was Kyo. 

K: Haha

T: Haha. One comment said that its because Joe was predicted many blocked paths this year. You remember our shrine visit?

J: Ah, maybe thats it. I was predicted that at the start of the year, wasn't I?

K: It was Tasai's mic acting up though  wasn't it? And then this huge noise exploded. 

T: As soon as I talked about my leg, it started doing stuff. 

J: Tasai, you need to be purified at the shrine, you have evil on you. 

K: We went at the start of the year though, right?

J: But if its Tokyo Sports there could be all sorts hanging around. 

T: No, but since I hurt my foot, my wife won ¥10000 on the lottery, and WestLand, who I'm reporting on, won the M-1. So there are a lot of good things happening around me. 

K: What about us(Dir)? hahaha 

J: There's nothing bad hanging around you! Ehh, what could it be? Well, at least we've got the sound back. What were we talking about before? Oh, Saku!

T: Yeah, Saku. 

J: Where was it? Hokkaido! Saku was the first song in Hokkaido. 

T: You need a lot of power to burst open with Saku though, right? 

K: What else did we say? About how we opened with Rasetsukoku only on those two days. 

J: Yeah, I think the viewers probably heard that. So continuing the search. Actually there was a question about Sendai...something about a sauna in the dressing room? Did you go in the dressing room sauna?

K: Ahhh, no I didn't. 

J: Oh, more background noise? There is definitely some evil hanging around. 

T: Is it me??

K: We didn't hear anything here, right? Its better now?

J: Ah, lots of ghost emojis..."Its Rasetsukoku" (*land of rakshasas*)

K: Well, I mean, weird stuff just happens to us a lot. 

J: Yeah, so we are probably ok, right? 

T: Anyway lets do this search. 

J: Yes, lets get on with that. Someone wrote, "Sprinkle salt around Tasai's leg"

T: Haha 

J: Someone bring us some salt!

T: Haha, yes please. Ok, now we are at Nov 18th which is Amashin..

K: While we were off air, we did some mega scrolling, haha. 

J: Yeh, the sound guy and you two were working hard, I was just sat here. Sorry, haha. 

T: Ok, here's a tweet. "The speed at which Toshiya crossed the stage during KR cube was incredible!" Do you remember this Kaoru?

K: Uh, I dunno. Haha. He's being doing that for years though, right?

T: Another one, "C straight after Merciless Cult was amazing!" What do you think? This song order is great on the album too. 

K: Yeah, we tried that. I think we only did that once though. 

T: (*Correctly reads out a tweet containing a few song names*)

K: Oh, you really do know the songs! Just from this?!

T: Yes (*reads the name Mamachen/Marmalade Chainsaw*)

K: You even know Mamachen!

T: Yes, because I listen to them. 

K: Oh, thank you. 

T: (*Reading more tweets*) "It was amazing beyond words", also, "Toshiya is really macho" etc. 

K: (*scrolling*) Joe, speak for a bit. 

J: Ah, ok. There are a lot of comments coming here, as well as the tweets, especially about Toshiya cutting across the stage, like his legs are so long he can cross the stage in three steps.

T: No way!

J: Thats was was written in the comments! There are lots of comments about Toshiya..."I was happy to see Die all in red"...."I thought Toshiya's body was 90% legs"

K: Hahaha 

J: That must be a joke. But people are saying its right! Someone wrote that you were chasing each other around the stage at Amashin. 

K: Eh?

J: Were you chasing each other? 

K: Uh, no. What does that mean?

J: Give us some more details people...Did you chase the other members around the stage? 

K: Oh, like following behind? Yeh.

J: "Kaoru and Shinya chased Kyo"

K: Ahhh, yeh.

J: Also, "Kaoru's paper airplane"

K: Oh yeh, I did that. Where was that again?

J: Osaka? 

K: Yeh. I folded the setlist into a paper airplane while I was on stage, but my folding technique was a bit off. I folded it like this (*demonstrates with notes*), so it just flew in a vertical drop as soon as I threw it. Haha

J: It didn't even reach the audience??

K: It fell in the space just infront of the audience. 

J: Ah, someone just said it was Osaka day 2, the paper airplane story. If you guys have any other events from the tour that you want to know about, please send a comment...."The towel throwing was also great". Did you throw it far, Leader? 

K: Well, it flew. 

J: Oh, someone said the water bottles and towels flew as far as the second floor at Hatch. 

K: If you throw the water bottles right, they do go quite far. 

J: To the second floor?

K: Yeah. 

T: (*scrolling*) I think I've reached to the newest tweets...."I made so many memories, it was amazing. My neck is sore"..."I was glad they played Saku and Kodou"...Where is this? Hm, maybe Hatch day 2..."The 25th anniversary tour was great! KR was so much fun, and I've always wanted to hear songs like Wake, Drain, and Jessica live, so I cried a lot during the show"

K: Well, songs are like that. Each person has their own particular meaning and memories attached to each song. So yeh, I can understand that. 

T: It seems like there were a lot of songs from earlier albums. 

K: Well, that was decided by the song battle which Fujieda did. Sitting and talking by himself all that time, haha. But we tried to just include most of the highest ranking songs from that. The songs that we chose ourselves are actually very few. 

J: Ahh. "The mistake at the start of Jessica was also good" Did you make a mistake?

K: Yeah 

J: They spotted it. 

K: Well, we stopped the song. 

J:Oh! Please write where that was if you saw it, guys. "Thank you for spraying water on me, Kaoru". 

T: "The excitment was crazy with Rasetsukoku at the start". That must have been one of those two lives. 

K: Yeh, people like that song.

J: They really do. "Citta day 2"? Ahh. 

T: Also "They didn't play 'I'll' after all". A fan sent this with a crying emoji. 

K: Well, well, well...hahaha. 

T: Ok, I get you, haha. 

J: "I love Rasetsukoku so much, I want it at the start and the end!"

K: Nah...I don't think so, hahaha. I'd want a different song. 

J: Yeh, we get that they love it, but we need variety too. 

T: "Happy Birthday to my favourite guitarist, Die"

K: Ah, yeh, it was his birthday yesterday. 

J: Happy Birthday Die. 

T: Yes, Happy Birthday. Hm, what else can I find here.."It was so emotional at Shinjuku Blaze"

K: Oh yeh, it was the first time in ages for me to go to Kabukicho, the last time was for that talk event we did in Loft. 

J: Oh yes, that was 4 or 5 years ago, right? Ah, but Blaze, yes. 

K: Yeah, Kabukicho really doesn't suit me. Hahaha. 

J: Its so garish, right?

K: Well, it felt kind of dirty. 

J: Ahhh, yeh. 

K: Like, people lined up everywhere,  drinking. I know people do that from the daytime in Ueno and places too, but Kabukicho has a kind of slimy feel to it. 

J: Yeah, Shinjuku is unique. Uneo and places are different. 

T: People are commenting about Tōyoko (*トー横 - An area in Kabukicho*). 

K: Yeh , it was next to Tōyoko. 

J: But this was the first 'cheering allowed' live in ages, right? How was it?

T: Yeah, I wanted to go. 

K: Well...it was a step in the right direction. 

J: Yeah. So cheering was allowed from when the members appeared on stage?

K: Yes 

J: Ahh, somebody write how it felt in the comments! Well, as Leader said it was the first step. Uh, we will talk more about the setlist in the second half. Ah, someone said, "I cried". Well, of course yeh, its been a long time. 

T: (*Reads out a couple of tweets praising the Blaze live*) 

J: Oh, but that moment where the lights go down and everyone screams, right? 

K: But at first, when the lights changed, everyone clapped. 

J: Oh, out of habit? 

K: Yeh. Then when Shinya went out, he was the first out...thats when the cheering started. Well, as far as I heard.

J: Ah yeh. "I wanna scream their names". Yeah, people who couldn't go to Shinjuku will be feeling this. People really want to know whether cheering will be allowed at the tour next year?

K: Well, with current circumstances, the answer is no. It depends on each venue. A lot of them are saying that cheering is allowed at half capacity, which would be a bit tough for us. But if they say cheering is allowed at full capacity...well, I don't know yet. But for now, no. 

J: Its not really something a band can decide on their own, right? It depends on the venue and the region, but im sure people will understand. Anyway, we had a bit of a break earlier, but we are now at the end of the first part of the broadcast. I think we've made up for the part that we lost earlier. In the second part, we will take a much closer look at the setlists from the 25th Anniversary tour, so please join us for that. As was mentioned a bit earlier, each setlist was different!

K: Haha, I don't think thats such an impressive thing really though. 

J: Oh no no. Im not sure if the audience and the performers feel the same about this, but changing just one song can change the whole atmosphere, right?

K: Well, that is true, yes. 

J: So its really exciting for the audience, if they compare it to previous shows. You may even see setlists from the shows you went to, so please send in any questions you like. Ok, ill just inform you of how you can watch part 2. The next part is for channel members only, so you have to be a member if you want to watch to the end. Then you'll be able to watch this broadcast in the archives for a year, and we also have members only videos for you. In these we set various challenges for ourselves. There are some funny ones and some more serious ones. Ok, here's how to join. There should be a blue link at the top of your screen. Leader, point to it please. Thank you. Leader's fingers are on the move. If you click this link you will get a payment method screen. Thank you for pointing sideways, Leader. Choose you preferred method, click proceed, and then enter your info. Its really simple, so if you haven't already joined, please do so to stay with us to the end. Ok, Leader, before we switch over, do you have any announcements you'd like to make?

K: Announcements? 

J: If you have any. Its ok if you don't. 

K: Hmm, do I have any?

J: Haha, I don't know. For example, TheTheDay stuff, or something?

K: TheTheDay is the day after tomorrow. 

T: How about what you will eat tomorrow morning or something? haha

K: Should I really announce that? haha. 

J: I think you could. 

K: I haven't decided yet, haha. Oh, just earlier...today we were rehearsing for the New Year festival, and I had a bit of time before coming here, so I got some ramen, but the soup was lukewarm. It was so disappointing. 

T: Hahaha

J: Ahhh, what a shame for your post-rehearsal ramen!

T: Thats quite an important announcement. 

J: Yeah, it is. 

K: I was disappointed. 

J: Yeah. What will the New Year festival be like? Well, you probably can't say anything, right? 

K: Nah. Anyway, we don't even have a timetable yet. 

J: Well, we can look forward to it. Someone asked what kind of ramen you had?

K: Soy sauce type. 

J: Is that your usual type?

K: No, I like miso, soy sauce, tonkotsu, anything salty, but I guess if im trying a place for the first time, i would choose soy sauce. 

J: Ahh, but still, the sauce was lukewarm. Well, lets get rid of your disappointment and cheer you up in the second part. 

K: In Hokkaido I had miso ramen. It was the first time in absolutely ages to have ramen in the middle of the night after drinking. 

J: Ah, but I guess you didn't care much if you were drunk?

K: I wasn't that drunk though. 

J: Was it like, you went straight in without having to wait in line?

K: I did have to wait. 

J: Oh, you did? Ahh, someone wrote "ramen report". Maybe we will have to do that next year. Ok, we will stop here to switch over. The change over screen will appear for a moment, so members hang tight. See you in part 2 for more 25th Anniversary tour talk!

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #translation #薫 #long post #Toshiya 90% leg

[idiotcurls]

Auld Long Syne, My dear

Chapter  One: Arrival  I also put it in AO3 if you want to read it here

Steve is the last one to arrive at the Byer-Hopper’s New Years Party. Spirits are up, but two people are missing from the festivities. While everyone is dealing with their own aftermath of the Post-Vecna world, the group is trying to move on together, in their own ways. On the dinner table good news are shared but not everyone is thrilled. 

Pairing: StevexEddie but they are idiots, WillxMike but they don’t know that yet, established NancyxRobin  Tags: slow burn, found family, post vecna wordl, dealing with trauma, coming of age, hurt/comfort, eddie is alive obviously 

I guess I just wanted to explore what the characters would be like, after the end of everything (post s4) So i decided on a classic trope, put them all together in one house and see what happens. Enjoy. Also I’m european, so have °C kilometers and me having no idea what americans like to do for new years, except the stuff I see on TV, so.  On Christmas Eve, the moon was hiding behind a thick layer of clouds, it didn't snow on the 25th but  a couple of days before. There was a good enough layer of snow on the ground, that crunched, when you stepped on it. Apparently, if the temperature sinks below -2°, it just stops snowing because it's too cold temperatures.

That didn't make sense in Steve's book, but he went with it, because what else could he do, argue with physics or whatever made that happen?

He was sure he could ask Dustin, to explain it to him, but that cocky little shit would make it into a big thing. 'You're not a child, Steve. Do you have to be told everything, Steve?'

He got out of the driver's seat and closed the door of his Beemer. Above him, the moon was just a thin sickle, almost not visible. Too cold for clouds, when it's too cold for snow.

Steve had been driving for 5 hours at least, turning the car radio on and off, feeling impatient for his arrival. He thought his mind played small tricks on him. When he left Hawkins, the sun was still shining, it got dark so incredibly fast. He didn't like that. He enjoyed the summer more. He looked into the mirror this morning and felt pale.

He also had to stop a couple of times, because sometimes, he didn't trust himself. It felt like he went on auto pilot and just arrived at another junction without driving there. He didn't want to make any mistakes while driving, so he regularly took regular breaks. The last couple of kilometers were easy though, since Steve visited before. And Joyce called him every day for a week beforehand, to remind him of the route and that he had to bring nothing. She just wanted him to be on time for dinner. 

He arrived almost punctual. He was on the phone with Joyce the night before too. She told him the way to the farm another 5 times, how after that one junction he had to turn left, after the gas station by that big farm not right.

“I told Eddie and Jonathan 5 times too, because they have the kids.”, she said. Steve chuckled.

“Don't laugh!”, she said. 

“Don't worry. I'll be there and won't get lost.”, Steve tried to calm her.

“I would much rather have you come with the kids!”, Joyce said. “Like always.”  

This sentiment made Steve feel soft inside. And warm.

Beyond the treeline behind him, the dark blue of the night swallowed the measly rest of daylight, making a mess of shades of cold blue hues with the almost black shapes of different trees before it.

He shivered a bit, longing for the warm embrace of a Joyce Byers household.

Driving towards the house had a homely feeling. He smiled when he made out the shape of the old farm house on the horizon. 

Steve's breath made little clouds, he pulled his scarf tighter around his neck and closed the zip of his winter jacket, before getting the cake and wine he brought for the special occasion out of the back. He also took off his glasses and put them on the dashboard. He wasn’t vain though. 

In front of the farm house several cars were parked already. He recognized Hopper's Truck, Eddie's Van and thought the third one could be Jonathan’s new car. Apparently he finally let the old Ford Galaxy rest in peace. His new car wasn't state of the art. It was practical. It made sense. Like Jonathan always did. He was never a guy who tried to impress others.

He wondered who arrived with whom. A five hour drive with Mike and Dustin together seemed like hell on earth around this time, they seemed to argue a lot more these days, from what Steve noticed.

He did the math of seats in his head, but knew that two kids were missing from the celebrations anyway.

After half of Hawkins was decimated, people left and didn't look back. Even if they just knew varying amounts of the truth, who could blame them. There was nothing really left of the town. Among the people who left without looking back were the Sinclair family.

The Sinclair's took the hush money, signed contracts and moved away. With their kids being in the middle of whatever was going on, they felt an intense amount of guilt. For not noticing, for letting the kids go through the horrors alone. Maybe they felt betrayed, because the other grown ups left them in the dark. In hind-sight it was all so clear. 

The Party has been told, the Sinclair family does not wish to disclose their new location to anyone.

“This can't be true! Lucas and Erica would never do this to us!”, Mike kept on shouting. But the realization sank in slowly. For all of them.

It was a time when ache, pain and healing and defending and then healing again. Steve's heart sank into his stomach, thinking about Lucas and Erica. 

The Party didn't give up on finding them immediately. Eventually, they thought, they got the right address from Murray, but all letters came back unopened. Phone calls went into nowhere.

Mike's rage turned into quiet fury. And Dustin's eagerness to find them into bland disappointment. He wasn’t sure about Max and El. They were more quiet about their emotions, but you could tell, they suffered. 

Laughter was heard coming from inside and warm light was shining out of the windows invitingly. He let the picture in front of him form a memory in his mind. The smell of pine and snow working as an aid, to keep it vivid for the years to come, to help out in the bad times.

The front door opened with a creak and a small shadow emerged in it's frame.

“Guys, I was right! It's Steve!”, Dustin screamed over his shoulder.

Steve smiled and walked towards them, up the snowy stairs with the cracked paint, over the front porch, that inhabited a big Hollywood swing and several wooden chairs.They had painted the wooden ramp Hopper and Will  built for Max's wheelchair. A nice shade of green. Calming.

Dustin stepped onto the porch to greet Steve.

“You have to come upstairs with us, we just cranked open a bottle of coke. Also we watched a movie from the 60s that is sort of weird. Some guy wearing lingerie and they were all singing...” Words bubbled out of him. Steve looked at Dustin's feet, only to find they were just covered by socks.  

“Are you insane? Put some shoes on when you step outside, its December!” Steve exclaimed, patting his back affectionately, before he shoved him back inside with one hand.

He could still remember when Dustin's smile was one without teeth, not only did his teeth grow in since they first met, but it seemed to Steve, Dustin grew a lot taller the last couple of months.

El danced downstairs to greet him, a reluctant Mike behind her. She leaned in to hug Steve. “You made it!”, she said quietly.

El let her hair grow out again the last couple of months. It was shoulder length now. She also wore a cute dress for the occasion, she seemed proud about. She liked cute things now, she told Steve once. 

“We have a Christmas tree in the living room.”, El said, after she broke the hug. “Hopper got it from the forest with an ax, it's illegal to just get one out of the forest for free.”, she added in a matter of fact fashion.

“Uh, is that so...?”, Steve offered confused, but smiled at her sincerity.

“Dude, Hop told you not to tell anyone.”, Mike scolded her after he awkwardly hugged Steve as well. “He's going to make it my fault!” Hopper sure was going to do exactly that. 

The kid seemed to be in a mood already. Mike sighed and went back upstairs, tagging El along, who just smiled and waved to Steve.

“Dustin!”, Mike barked halfway upstairs. Dustin rolled his eyes.

“Talk to you later!”, he said and followed them upstairs. A door closed.

“Hey! Dinners ready soon, don't fill up on other stuff!”, Joyce shouted, sprinting towards the stairs, but the door was already shut and music was playing loudly.

She closed her eyes and furrowed her brows, sighing.

Steve just gave her a 'kids, huh?' look.

“Its so nice you are finally here! Let me take that off you, just put your coat on the hangers.”, ignoring the kids. Steve handed over wine and cake to take off his jacket.”How was the drive?” 

“Drive was shit, like always. Had to stop a couple of times.”

Joyce nodded knowingly. “Better safe than sorry.”

Steve was the last one to arrive at the Byers-Hopper residency, an old farmhouse on the outskirts of another small town, but this one was closer to St. Louise, than Indianapolis. He wasn't able to arrive early, like the rest of the gang between his college courses and cleaning out the old house in Hawkins, there wasn't much time left.

The house smelled like mulled wine, wood smoke and cigarettes- apparently Joyce did not quit smoking, like she promised herself last year. And the year before that, to be exact.

Steve tried to put his jacket on the crowded coat hangers in the hall, but failed, because of the sheer amount of jackets, hats and scarfs already occupying space. Some had fallen to the ground on top of shoes, so he just tried to put his stuff onto them in a sort of neat fashion.

In any other situation he would have  minded the mess, but this time he decided to just smile at it. A sign of a house full of life.  

Meanwhile Joyce looked at the cake's packaging, she took out of Steve's hands before. It was well made and beautiful with a little handle on top, so you could carry it comfortably. It was very european.

Steve was used to having Panettone around Christmas, so he figured it made a lot of sense to bring it, for everyone to try and enjoy.

“Oh wow, is this fancy stuff?”, she said trying to read the label, but noticed, it wasn't english at all.

“It's uh... italian cake, or something. And some red wine, from my parents place. I think it's good?”

Joyce looked at the wines label and raised her eyebrows, looking back at Steve.

“I'm sure it is... Come inside, let’s get you settled in.” Steve took off his shoes and followed Joyce's stern, loving voice obediently into the kitchen. 

The kitchen was cozy and warm. Two big tables pushed together with a lot of seats and a spacious bench to host them all. Warm light. A couple of bags with clothes and toiletries from guests, left near the door, that haven't been put away yet. Steve felt his toes tickling, the warmth spreading life back into his whole body. On the stove two big pots were lightly bubbling, the source of the amazing smell.  

Joyce put Steve's gifts on the counter where several plates of cookies, Salad bowls, bread, sausages and some other bottles already resided. Steve's eyes locked on a bottle of scotch, which he immediately clocked as Hoppers. He had marked the level in the bottle, in case curious kids would try and have some. He knew that move far too well. He also spotted pre-made lasagna, an amount you could feed an army with.

“We have punch and mulled wine. The punch with the apples is for the kids, the mulled wine for us.” She leaned in closer. “Make sure the kids don't get any more of the wine, they already got a cup.” She took her own steaming mug from the counter and shook her had looking at Steve. 

„They think I don't know.”, she whispered and chuckled.

Steve imagined, how they stole the cup, brought it upstairs and all tried a bit, making disgusted faces. The only one he thought, would have liked the taste was Mike, so he made a mental note to keep an eye on that one. But he always did, anyway.

“Thanks for having me. And thanks, for doing... this.”, he gestured towards the kitchen.

His neck was tight from the long car ride, he moved his head around, massaging his shoulder. Joyce poured some mulled wine in a pink cup for him.

“Don't thank me. It was Jim's idea to host this.”, she said, putting the cup into Steve's hands. “You're not a kid anymore. You're allowed the grown up drink now. And you don't have to drive obviously.”, she added, nodding towards upstairs, to accentuate  the fact, that there would always be a place for him to stay at the farm, no matter what.  He thanked her and dove right into the scent of orange, wine and cinnamon.

From outside he heard Eddie's loud, honest laugh and flinched a little. He could make out a fire in the backyard, Hopper, Max and Eddie sitting around it. His stomach dropped.

„How have you guys been?“, Steve asked quietly.

Joyce shook her head and sighed.

„You know. They all still miss them and they are teenagers about it.“, she admitted. Steve knew she mainly meant Mike.

„And Max?“ His eyes drifted towards the kitchen window, seeing her in her wheelchair in front of the fireplace.

„We have good days and we have some bad days as well. But she likes her room downstairs now. In the beginning she didn't want it. She wanted to be upstairs too, I think.“

Steve nodded. Max could be stubborn.

Joyce looked out the window too, with soft eyes.

“Owens wanted her to do physical therapy again in Chicago. But she hates it. There are so many hurt people, she said. From Hawkins, you know. It makes her feel more sick, so we're trying to let her pick the pace.”

Steve could make out light and shadow dancing in accord to the fire in the backyard, it painted a beautiful picture.

„You know... She is such a brave kid. They all are. But it's worse around holidays.“

„It's worse for all of us... I know. But-“, Steve started.

„-but they're still kids.“ Joyce ended Steve's sentence, nodding.

When Max woke up, she was blind. That was the one thing, nobody was able to heal. Physical therapy helped. But Max couldn't walk further than a few steps at a time. Sometimes she uses the wheelchair, on better days just a crutch.

In the first weeks after the earthquakes and Henry's death, nobody knew what to do, so they just tried to hang in there. People of Hawkins who didn't leave immediately, went through some shit too, to quote Dustin.

A part of Steve was happy, other people had to face the facts. It wasn't nice to keep watch, or to be the only one of a handful of people to know exactly what was happening. Hawkins was a nuclear wasteland now, basically. There were people dressed in hazard suits all over the place, trying to make sure whatever happened, would never happen again. And most importantly, stays in Hawkins. He wasn't even sure what the news were reporting anymore and he didn't care.

The portals were canyons in the ground. A whole new generation of several Murray Baumans popped up. But luckily people decided that they were looking for aliens. Another couple of perfectly placed conspiracies later, nobody would question it anymore. Hawkins was a travesty. Keep away. Don’t listen to loons.

When they brought Max to Chicago, they brought Will and Eddie too. Will sat next to her hospital bed a lot, when she would cry out in her sleep and shiver.

„Soldiers have that too.“, Will explained to her one day and Hopper standing behind him, nodded. “That is true.”, he said, with a certain look in his eyes, the kids didn’t understand yet. 

As for Eddie, it was a different situation. He wasn't flayed, he wasn't used by the cruel forces that governed the up side down. He was meant to be soil, he was meant to be eaten. Kept alive to feed upon. That's why his heart rate slowed down, he thought he was dying. That's what dying must feel like, he was sure, he once confined in Steve, his eyes glazed over. In the beginning Steve was angry with Eddie, because he did not stick to the plan and put himself in danger. But in the end, the kettle was talking to the pot or something like that. He would have done the same. He just got lucky.

Max's mum stopped to visit a while before she woke up. When she was still at Hawkin's hospital. Joyce saw her smoke a cigarette, hands shivering, in front of the badly run building, the dust only partly settled over the small town.

The kids figured, she was one of the ones who took the money and moved away too, without looking back. Who knows? Maybe she was threatened. Maybe she couldn't deal with the pain. The only thing they knew was, that Max's mum disappeared

.Except for one small flower bouquet, and a letter that was adressed to 'my brave little warrior', that arrived on Max's birthday last year. Joyce read the letter to Max. She cried heavily, looking younger than she was in her hospital gown. But nobody else got to know what it said.

Half of Max's face was paralyzed too. After Joyce made a very clear statement, of what she thought of the lack of help they received dealing with Max's recovery, she was transferred from Chicago to a facility near New York, to help her learn to walk again and whatever else, she needed. Steve figured, Doctor Owen made sure all of them got the treatment they deserved, even if it was not the treatment they needed.

But no treatment could ever really fix what the years had done to them. There was no therapy for them. Because what happened to them, didn't happen in real life, normally. No therapists making up plans for their specific mental health recovery. There was trauma therapy for the body and trauma therapy for soldiers, They knew about it since the Vietnam war. But that was a different kind of horror. Speaking to psychiatrists about it, sometimes felt like talking to a child, about things only grown ups could understand. 

Steve remembered the long talks on the phone with Joyce, who had lots of sleepless nights. Nights full of tears. Steve was happy to be there on the other end of the line, after he got released, deemed healthy enough. Sometimes he wondered if the demobat poison got to him, lasting effects.  But nobody could tell him for sure, that it was the concussions and not up side down rabies, the kind Robin was afraid of. Bless her. 

Steve stepped closer to the kitchen window, to get a better look at the three of them.

Max was cuddled up in a big blanket, her red hair shimmering from the flames dancing through the dark of the night.

Opposite her on the other side of the fire, Eddie was gesticulating wildly. Max laughed, Hopper next to her was shaking his head, covering his eyes. He wondered what they talked about. They seemed happy enough. 

„Oh, it is you! I thought I heard something annoying.“ Robin peeked through the door to the living room, a sparkle in her eyes. Steve rolled his eyes and opened his arms to welcome her into a hug.

Robin basically jumped into his arms and kissed his cheek. „You took your sweet time!”

„I’m glad to see you too, Robs.“, he said swaying her left to right, like she was a baby.

Robin was wearing a glittery happy new year crown, that jostled up her hair a bit. Her cheeks were red, either from the cold outside or from the wine. Maneuvering him from the kitchen to the spacious living room, the first thing Steve saw, was Nancy and Jonathan sitting on the the couch. Next to them was a small TV, something random playing. They probably were waiting for the live broadcast from Time Square to start. He also glanced at the Christmas tree Hopper stole from the forest. Allegedly.

„Look what the cat dragged in!“ Nancy was already lulling a little bit, her identical happy new year crown sitting slightly off center on her brown curls. She greeted him with a raised „Best dad ever“ cup, that clearly belonged to Hop. „Sit down and have some wine with us.“

Robin looked at her with a mixture of amusement and worry. „I think its time the cat dragged in some water...“, Robin said in a hushed voice, fixing Nancy's crown.

„Hey Nance.“ Steve kissed her forehead and sat on the cozy chair next to Jonathan, being glad that this wasn't his problem anymore, looking at Nance swatting Robin's hand away.

Jonathan took a big sip of his beer and for a second there, Steve felt insecure because he was drinking mulled wine from a cute cup, instead of something more manly, but decided to shake it off. He greeted Jonathan with a nod and a brotherly pat on the shoulder.

„How was the drive?“ Jonathan asked casually. „Hell, it was really icy the last couple of miles.“

They both nodded, indistinct voices of the TV exhilarating the silence.

One could have easily thought, the tension in the room was two ex-boyfriends feeling out some sort of rivalry, over Nancy, but it was far better than that.

Steve was already quite used to Robin and Nancy kissing, being aggressively cute and holding hands, whispering into each others ears. Jonathan wasn't mad about it, Steve knew that for sure, it was more like, that he still was a bit...bewildered. For him it was the first time, seeing them together live, in action and out. He'd get used to it soon enough, Steve thought.

Joyce opened the door to the backyard. „You're going to have to put some more wood into the fire if you want to grill anything tonight!“ She frowned. „Eddie! Could you get some more from the shed? Max! Max, are you cold? Come inside if you're cold!“ She let the door fall into the frame again and left for the kitchen, rattling around with dishes, saying something under her breath about catching death.

Jonathan got up to help his mum prepare sausages for the kids to grill over the fire and get the Lasagnas into the oven, for the people who didn't want to freeze their toes off in the snow outside, but still wanted to eat.

Eddie came back out of the shed with a filled basket of chopped wood and followed Hopper's instructions on how to perfectly place the wood, for maximum fire and heat. He was surprisingly compliant. Steve noticed his big dark green Jacket and the fluffy looking ear-warmers, that surely weren't his, but one of the girl's. He thought maybe El's. 

Steve got up to look out the door. Behind him, Robin tried to get Nancy to down a little bit of water. There was no way in hell, he wanted to be part of that situation, so he slipped into some of Hoppers „backyard shoes“ he left by the door and made his way towards the fire, trying not to get any snow into the brown slippers.

The warm smell of burnt wood and the fire's tender cracking made Steve feel cozy immediately.

Eddie cursed, when he dropped a piece of wood he wanted to staple on top into the pit.

„The trick for these kinds of fires is to stack them up, it's called the log cabin method.“ Hopper explained. „But you need a stable foundation for that. Which Eddie here, didn't provide. That's why he keeps dropping wood and burning his little phalanges.“ He leaned towards Max, a soft tone, when he said the last part of the sentence. She chuckled.

„They're not.... little.“ Eddie sounded defeated, looking at his own hands.

Was this a sort of revenge for all the times Eddie was a nuisance as teenager?

None of them saw Steve approach at first, so he stopped and took in the scene again. Wood-smoke, Pine, mulled wine, cold air. He breathed in and stepped closer. Before he greeted Hop or Eddie, he crouched next to Max and said „Hey, it's Steve.“, before he reached out to take her hand in his, she grabbed him tight.

„Merry christmas, again.“ , Steve said.

“You're a bit late for that.“ She rubbed her thumb over Steve's hand. With his other hand, he shook Hopper's.

„Thanks for having me, Chief.“, Steve teased.

„Don't call me that. Nice to see you too, kid.“

„Are you teaching Eddie how to make a bonfire?“ Steve asked Max.

„Yeah. But he sucks, apparently.“

„I do not suck. I just prefer a different method. The Tepee method.“ Eddie rolled his eyes and then winked at Steve, who had to break eye-contact suddenly, to look at the snow.

His eyes were as sparkly as Robin's. Eddie's hair was falling into his face, framing it like a painting, making soft shadows around his eyes. Steve got up to meet him face to face.

„Hey, man.“ he said.

„Hey man.“, Eddie answered in a mocking tone, a smile escaping his lips.

They were silent for a brief moment, before Eddie opened his arms to embrace Steve in a big hug. Eddie picket him up, not letting him go until Steve squirmed, „Ok, that's enough, I just drove for 5 hours straight. My neck is about to snap.“

Eddie let him down gently, but hugged him a little tighter, before he let go.

There was a year's worth of hugging in the small amount of time after Steve's arrival. It made him feel uncomfortable and at ease at the same time.

„Hey, that Wheeler girl, she still drunk?“ Hopper asked.

„Yeah. I guess. Robin is working on it.“, Steve informed him.

„Fuck me.“, Hopper got up. „I'm going to help Joyce. You boys can sharpen some sticks, for the sausages.“ He lifted the blanket off his shoulders and threw it around Steve.

„Make sure, they don't accidentally kill each other, Max. Knives are sharp.“

„Will do.“, she said.

„And bring my slippers you stole back inside, Harrington. Don't get 'em dirty“ Hop looked at his feet and then winked.

Eddie sat down next to Max and took one of the knives Hop had supplied earlier for sharpening things out of the green toolbox with the chipped off paint.

„Good old fashioned detective work.“ Eddie said, raising his eyebrows at Steve. “Eyes and ears everywhere.”

„He wasn't such a good detective when it came to Robin and Nance.“, Max said.

Steve wrapped himself into the blanket and sat across them, picking up a stick and a knife as well.

„Oh, so you know about all of these things?“, Steve asked, trying to sound casual.

„I'm blind, not dumb, Steve.“, Max supplied in a dry fashion. 

There was a little sting in both Eddie's and Steve's heart. Max was making jokes, she was adjusting quickly. But people around her, had a harder time, walking around eggshells and treating her more like a child than they did with the other kids. She hated that. It took her power away, she said.

„So, how did he find out?“, Steve asked.

„Well.“ Eddie chuckled, chipping away on his stick. „We all arrived yesterday. Joyce was making sure, everyone has a proper place to sleep. The shrimps all decided to sleep on mattresses on the ground in the attic, because that's a thing they do.“

„And Hopper didn't understand, why Nance and Jonathan didn't protest, when he said girls and guys are sleeping separately and he put her in a room with Robin.“, Max added.

„He still thought Nancy and Jonathan were dating. Even though it has been ages.“, Eddie chimed in.

Steve listened to them intently, smiling into himself, seeing Hoppers red face in front of his mind's eye.

„So then,“, Max continued, „he came back from the forest with some twigs and sticks yesterday evening, because Dustin and Will decided they wanted to grill sausages and have s'mores over the open fire today and he saw Nance and Robin kiss on the front porch.“  

„It was very romantic. They were sitting on the Hollywood swing, drinking hot cocoa or something.“ Eddie said and looked intently on the ground, watching the little pieces of wood hit the snow, while he sharpened away.

„It was like he saw mum kiss Santa Clause.“, he sang, avoiding Steve's eyes.

Hop used to be a cop in New York, before he moved back to Hawkins, so Steve thought, two women kissing shouldn't be really big news.

„He was really angry, because he said Joyce didn't fill him in and he made a fool of himself. She laughed it off, saying, that he should pay better attention.“

„That sound amazing.“ Steve said, handling the knife carefully. His motor skills got better with the  exercises he did, but sometimes he still struggled. Plus he left his glasses in the car, which he wasn't too vain to wear all the time. No, sir.

„How was it at your parent's house?“, Eddie asked carefully towards Steve.

He sighed. „You know. Cold, almost empty. I got most of my shit out. Did Wayne not want to come?“

Max kept quiet, listening to them talk, she seemed to enjoy the warmth on her face.

Eddie scoffed. „He is stubborn like a mule. 'I've always celebrated this way.'“ he tried to copy Wayne's voice, swinging the knife around with his right hand.

Max put her hand on Eddies shoulder.

„Don't swing the knife around.“

„Right. I'm sorry.“ He cleared his throat. „So he stayed home. I was surprised the van went all the way without breaking. I already saw myself freeze to death on the side of the road.“

„If El survived in the woods eating Squirrels, you can survive walking a mile to find a phone, don't you think?“, Max said.

Steve chuckled as Eddie turned his head towards her and looked her up and down one eyebrow raised. „We might have to take you inside, the cold is getting to you, Mayfield.“

A loud crack in the fire seemed to have spooked Steve for a second there. He half-dropped the knife mid-motion and cut into his thumb, cursing.

„Jesus Christ! Fucking shit!“

„What happened?“

„Steve cut himself.“, Eddie answered and produced a tissue out of his jacket. He knelt in front of Steve and took his hand into his to look at the cut.

„Is it bad? Should we go inside to get Joyce?“ Max tried to hide her worry.

„No it's nothing. I'm just an idiot, apparently.“ Steve said calmply, investigating the cut in the light of the fire..

„It's not deep.“, Eddie reassured.

Before anything else could happen, Eddie brought Steve's Hand towards his mouth and sucked the blood off his finger, without hesitation and placed the tissue around the cut, to stop the bleeding.

Steve's mind went blank for a second, when he felt Eddies tongue on his skin. Eddie didn’t look up at Steve. Steve wasn't sure if it was the physical fire in front of them, or some special fire, that was inside Eddie.

„Hold that. Stop the bleeding.“, he said, while he held the tissue around Steves finger. 

„Was that... is that sanitary?!“ Steve uttered finally.

„Probably not. Let's get inside and find a band-aid.“

Eddie got up and loosened the breaks on Max's wheelchair to pushed her towards the  house.

“Come on, Harrington. Last one in the house is uh,... a chicken!“, he shouted over his shoulder.

Steve looked up from the tissue around his thumb. He shook his head and smiled, watching Eddie make racing-car noises as he pushed Max up the ramp.  

**

Okay, so Auld Long Syne means long long time ago or something, right? And they sing  Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot And days of auld lang syne?

And I was like, yes this is my brand of SAD. But they are going to GROW together as a FAMILY and Steve and Eddie are gonna KISS and be GAY

#steve x eddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #stranger things #fanfiction #st fanfic #hurt/comfort #found family #ronance #platonic stobin #byler #teenage angst #mike wheeler #max mayfield #chief hopper #joyce byers is wholesome #Eddie lives in our brains #baby stevie #POVs are switching be adviced #i just love them so much

[accountingacademic]

New Year, Fresh Start

Daily Reflection Monday, 1 January, 2024

Things I'm Grateful For:

Having my ever-growing to-do list written down in my planner, so I don't have to forget those things I need to do.

Highlights:

Since I was up past midnight with friends, I made a final "fuck it, I'm staying up all night." After everyone logged off, I had a spurt of productivity and got a bunch of little odds and ends taken care of.

Even if it only really amounts to $1 per day, I enjoy the feeling like I'm setting myself up for success when I transfer some money into my investment account each month. Because January has 31 days, I transferred $31 this time. It's in a TFSA so I won't be taxed on what the money earns, and it's a zero-commission account, so everything that is put into that account will be mine when I withdraw it.

I didn't get everything on my to-do list done for the day, but I still managed to do quite a bit! I don't mind carrying over two tasks, especially when one of them is 90% done.

Challenges:

I couldn't get my money stuff taken care of when I first wanted to because my bank's online portal was down for maintenance. Bit of a nuisance, even though it's not really a huge deal--I don't have to deal with my money at 4:00am, it can wait until a more reasonable hour.

I accidentally ended up napping in the middle of the day. I laid down around 11:00am, and then dozed off and slept until about 2:30pm. So that took a chunk of time away from me that I could have used, but after an all-nighter, three and a half hours won't ruin everything.

Emotions:

I feel like an asshole, and a terrible friend. A friend of mine is going through a rough patch because a woman ran a red light the other day and fucked up his car. He's going through the process of trying to get proof for his insurance that he wasn't at fault, and trying to figure out what's going to happen to his car (he spent all his savings on it less than two months ago, and the odds are pretty much 50/50 that it could be written off). I fully understand that he needs to vent, but I just really don't like listening to that kind of thing. I want to just go and tune him out so it feels like a win-win (he gets to vent, I don't have to actually listen), but that also feels like a terrible thing to do.

The shoes I ordered with my Christmas money are supposed to be here tomorrow, according to FedEx. It's hard to say how accurate that is though, as it's been "we have your package" since the 28th, with the order itself placed on the 25th. If it's not in tomorrow, Wednesday would also work. I just want them in before I go back to school on Thursday.

Lessons Learned:

For all that my friends are usually there for me when I need it (even though I will rarely ask for help), I'm not great at doing the same for them. I think that's part of why I don't ask for help; I don't want to be one of those people who ask for help all the time but never offer anything in return. I want it to be fairly balanced, and unfortunately, holding back on my end is how I can help keep it that way.

Today's To-Do List:

Completed

Readjust the cat feeder to dispense at night.

Reorganize phone apps.

Find new wallpapers for my phone and laptop.

Divide my second student loan disbursement into GICs.

Pay board.

Clean out my D&D binder and prepare for the new campaign.

Renew my FitBit Premium membership.

Add $31 to my investment account.

Give the cats baths.

Put together the grocery list.

Uncompleted

Clean out my school binder and prepare for the new semester.

Finish catching up on laundry.

Tomorrow's To-Do List:

Buy a mirror that hangs off the door for my bedroom.

Buy a notebook to start a commonplace book.

Get groceries.

Nana's housework.

#accountingacademic #accounting academic #accounting #studyblr #college #productivity #study #daily reflections #january #2024 #january 2024

[saltymongoose]

It's really fun having been here when your blog was JUST getting started to reading how excited ppl are to find you. You were literally the first madcom writing blog I found and I never looked anywhere else. I mean I was here before you changed your blog theme!! It's fun being one of the veterans haha -Vibrating anon

Cont.

Actually I just found where we first interacted haha. "currently vibrating waiting for part 2" December 21st, 2021 :D First contact back when the blog was just barely getting started. Man it's been a WHILE. Crazy how a year has almost passed already- Vibrating anon 2/4

Actually it was December 25th!! Lol that's so Jewish of me, Fuck Christmas I wanna see the Madcom headcanons -Vibrating Anon 3/4

LOL you actually answered MY ASK for the part 2 headcanons dhdhswhw- Vibrating anon 4/4

Yeah dude, I vividly remember it too. :D I spent most of Christmas day finishing up those last few ones so I could post it (when I wasn't doing normal holiday stuff ofc, gotta help out the fam). I'd say that having you guys here made it one of my better holiday seasons lol.

(In fact, I also remember opening that ask and being like (.❛ ᴗ ❛.) since I was in the middle of finishing up when I got it hehe.)

It is pretty surreal to think about how it's already been a year since this whole thing started - only a year, really, since it's grown in such a small amount of time. I honestly expected only a few people to really stick with this blog after I stopped focusing on the Soldier!Reader stuff I was making in the beginning, but the exact opposite happened. Now the AU and this blog are a lot bigger; people are making their own little spin-offs and "mentioning" me constantly with new exciting things for me to read, and there's a lot of art too (like I actually have a backlog of it), all made by very talented individuals. I have hundreds of asks in my inbox now, and I can remember how incredibly excited I was to get like three haha. It's the same with getting those first few followers too, and reading those kind reblogs in the beginning. 😄

It's just a bit weird, I guess, since I wasn't expecting to be noticed this much or become "big" in this community by any stretch. I have been thinking about doing a follower milestone special, since there are quite a lot of you (understatement), but I have yet to decide on something that would properly commemorate you guys. (If you all have any ideas though, I'd welcome them.)

Anyway, this got way more rambly than I'd have liked, so I apologize haha. The bottom line is: I really do appreciate you and the other people who've followed my work and stuck around this whole time. I genuinely don't think this blog would be like it is now if it weren't for your continued interest in the beginning, so I'd say I owe you at least partially for all of this. ♡(>ᴗ•)

#shoutout to everyone who remembers the old theme on desktop lol #(Also a note: I have quite a few fics to promo/review and rb (so many mentions lol) so expect a ton of those this week) #(And some more hcs from me since I finally have time to write) #ask #chat tag #vibrating anon #i ❤️ anons

[moonshineboyz]

Sun's update post ☀️

okay so, i just came back and felt like doing and update post (?) to whom it may concern

i'm sorry i just completely disappeared, i got really busy with college stuff and let things in here aside, but then even when i got a little more free time i just kept postponing my return (idk why i do this but unfortunately it's quite common for me to do things like that). but i really miss being online here and talking to you guys and writing of course, so even though i'm still kinda busy with college i came back. i have no idea when i'll be actually posting stuff i write but i for sure will be around and rambling so,,, hit me up 💖💖

no one asked but i just feel like telling things about myself and what's going on in my life right now

i've been doing a lot of new things in college and it's both stressful and fun, i'm having so many practices that sometimes i feel like freaking out but it's all good so far

i also started reading books again and it's been amazing, i missed that feeling. i'm on my 25th book of the year rn and i'm really proud of myself dkwkskwnd i think i've got some pretty good recommendations if anyone is interested

i changed my classes recently and they're really cute (not that many of you have seen my face before but-), pretty similar to my previous ones actually but cute nonetheless. and i bleached the bottom part of my hair and also some front pieces, i had dyed it red at first and then a light pink but since my hair is dark brown, the bleached part wasn't light enough for the pink and it faded quickly. now it's just a weird shade of blonde and i need to bleach it again to dye it but i keep postponing it 😭

my bff just moved to italy last month and i already miss her like crazy, i'm trying to meet some new people and make some new friends rn bc she is the only person i used to hangout with so it's about to be a bit lonely here, but we spent the past 2 months seeing each other a good amount of time and it was really nice. me and some of her other friends made a surprise picnic party for her on her bday and it was so much fun.

regarding kpop, i've been the same tbh zaksowkdow i just really got into onlyoneof and kingdom recently and they're amazing, i've also been listening to a lot of girl groups (i already stanned them but got into some 4th gen ones)

and of course eric's still my everything and i miss him 🥺

well, i think this is it, just some updates about me and i really missed you babes 💖💖 gonna tag my moots so we can get in contact again. my dms are always open and you can always hit me up, just bare with me a little till i can answer the old asks and messages

@ohcheri @clueless-content-creator @poutykyu @minimultiestfandoms @kazooms @erics-mii @annyeongffs @moonieric @sluttysohn @newkyus-void @sainthwngs @lov3ric @cloverhaknyeon @tinisprout @flowerpotrenjun @smolcobie @multi-kpop-fanfics @velvetyh @badboyjuyeon @miniaturenuttaco

#sun speaks

[aus-wnt]

New Sam interview. Its really good.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgax7bsPSGP/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

https://icon.ink/articles/sam-kerr-is-dominating-the-footballing-world-right-now/

ICON: Hi Sam, welcome back to Australia! You’ve had a stellar season of football, sealing back-to-back WSL titles and golden boots with Chelsea F.C as well as F.A. Cup title this year, the list goes on. Reflecting on the past season, can you describe the feeling of these achievements? Has it sunk in at all for you?

Sam Kerr: I think relief is just the biggest thing for me right now. You work so hard for all of these things all year and it came down to the last day or last two weekends for us [Chelsea] this season, so the first feeling I had was just relief once we won the league, and then when we won the F.A Cup, it was like ‘oh my god, we did it’! It’s back to work now, though. I want to win the next thing and get ready to go again!

ICON: The league starts in September, which is fast approaching. How’s your preparation been?

SK: I’ve had a longer break than most people because most girls were at the EUROs but I needed it after last season, so I’ve been working my way up over the last couple of weeks, training and that type of stuff. We start on the 25th [September], so I’ll probably gear up from there.

ICON: You’re undoubtedly a big game player, Sam. What’s the feeling you get from scoring a goal in front of thousands of spectators, in particular a match-winning goal that you’re so accustomed to producing?

SK: To be honest, that’s what I play for. I always say, my coach doesn’t pay me to score in a seven-nil result. She pays me to score in the 90th minute when it counts. But that’s what I love to do; I love scoring.

People always ask me whether I feel the pressure, but wouldn’t say I feel the pressure – I see it as fun. I see it as a challenge. I love those moments. I love the feeling of being able to do something great and have everyone on the edge of their seats. I think some people shy away from it, but I’m either go hard or go home, all the time, so I would rather lose big than kind of fall over the line. I love it!

ICON: Do you remember the moment that changed everything for you? The moment you went from local football talent to global superstar?

SK: I don’t think there was a specific moment. I think it’s been gradually over time. It’s been a really enjoyable ride. I think every year, something happens where you have to pinch yourself. Most of that is off-field, though. On the field, I’m the same person and the same player. I think I have improved a lot being in England, but I think I see myself as the same person as I was five or six years ago. Maybe at the end of my career.

ICON: How does it feel to be playing a pretty significant role in putting football on the map here in Australia, especially for young girls? Do you consider yourself a role model for younger girls in Australia, and in turn, see yourself redefining the future of sport for women?

SK: Yeah, I definitely see myself as a role model. I know, just from experience and meeting young fans, that they see me as a role model, and that’s something I’ve had to get used to. At the start, I just wanted to be me and I didn’t really see myself as that role model figure. But now, I take pride in that and I love it.

The fact that I can play a role in the way in which women’s sport and women’s football is seen is pretty cool, and I think so many people did so much before me but now, we’re pushing the boundaries even further. So it’s really cool to be a part of. There’s still a lot more work to do in this space, but this time is where we have seen the biggest change. I don’t think we’ll see this much change in women’s football ever again because we’ve kind of broken down that big barrier, and now there are small little wins we need to achieve along the way.

ICON: What do you want the next Sam Kerr or just the next generation of female footballers to take away from your personal journey and experience, Sam?

SK: I think everyone has a different journey but for me, I’ve done it my way and I’ve done it in the way I’ve wanted to. And that’s what has made it so enjoyable for me and I think that’s why people connect with me a lot because I’ve always stayed true to who I am, no matter what’s going on. It sounds cliche but where there’s a will there’s a way, and I hope people can take away from my experience that they don’t have to fit into a certain box to make it; they can be themselves and make it and that be OK.

ICON: You’re the global face of the new Nike Air Zoom Mercurial boot, alongside some pretty impressive footballing names. What has it been like being a part of such a global campaign?

SK: It’s been epic! The boot itself is amazing, so obviously any time there’s a nice boot coming out, I’m wanting to get my hands on a pair. Everyone is always telling me that I have the coolest boots, that’s because I’m a part of these cool campaigns that everyone sees globally. Hopefully, I can score a couple of goals in them because they look pretty snazzy.

ICON: Through the highs and lows of being a professional athlete and being under the spotlight constantly, how do you best cope with the mental – and physical – pressures that come your way?

SK: Similar to what I mentioned before, I find that it’s just about being myself and accepting that I’m going to have my good days and I’m going to have my bad days – there is a lot of pressure to perform and be this person that people see as a superhuman, but somedays you just have to accept the down days. Nine out of ten, I have good days but sometimes I’ll rock up to training and I’m not feeling it or I don’t feel like being an athlete or smiling for ten million photos. So, I think it’s just about being true to who you are; fans and coaches and all that understand that.

I think the last two years through COVID have taught me that it’s ok to be down and to have a bad day and to lean on people for help. It’s been a difficult time but I’ve found a lot of growth, especially in these last two years.

ICON: The football season can be pretty gruelling, especially throughout a European winter. What do you do away from football to unwind and relax?

SK: I love to turn my phone off and not reply to emails or texts [laughs]. When you’re an athlete and you have so many people pulling you in so many different directions, sometimes you just want your own time and for everyone to leave you alone; to do what I want to do, like just go to coffee and catch up with friends. I get told a lot of the time what to do, which helps in a sense of structure, but just do what I want to do and get away from it all is how I unwind.

ICON: What can we expect from Sam Kerr come next season? And with the looming 2023 World Cup to be held in Australia and New Zealand, do any personal goals you’d like to achieve?

SK: I want to win the golden boot again. I want to win the league again. I’m stating the obvious, but for me, it’s also about building towards the World Cup and getting to the tournament in the form of my life. Once I get into the season, I just have the mentality of getting better every day. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied as an athlete. But at the end of the day, I just want to keep working on who I am as a player, who I am as a person and get better in every aspect. And of course, win lots of trophies and score lots of goals. 

#Sam Kerr #Chelsea Women #Chelsea FCW #Matildas #AUSWNT

[dreamties]

the ask is now deleted because tumblr was being a lil goofy + silly again-- my dear anon basically asked me if I had any headcanons on 5cream because they were hyperfixating on it a LOT (at the time of the ask)

tw: scream (2022) spoilers, psychosis + med discussion, panic attacks?? um...i think thats the main stuff. love yall, hope ya enjoy :)

I would like to believe that Gale & Dewey stayed married between Scream 4 & 5cream- thus still being married during the time of this film. mostly because I genuinely think they're so cute together and I think it doubles the angst factor with Dewey's death lol

Martha Meeks is a single mother. She adopted her two kids when they were babies, with her at the time partner. I haven't decided on why her partner is out of the picture, just that they are. Also, I don't think she married a cishet man . . .or a man at all . . .

I do believe the other parent was not present fairly early on in the youngins lives

Martha would tell stories of her older brother to her children when they were growing up !!

mostly in part that she knows Randy would have done the same- tell ridiculous stories of himself to them, that is. but also as a way to keep his memory alive. it's really hard for her to talk about him sometimes, but part of her healing process is being able to cherish the time he was with her and move on with her life.

Speaking of her brother, Martha isn't big on horror movies- but also knows, reasonably, that you have to be prepared in a town like Woodsboro.

She doesn't start it when they're really young, but when they get to 13/14 or so-- she starts a weekly or monthly movie night to bond with her kids and watch horror. It's not always horror but as the kids grow, Mindy is constantly asking if they can watch the new It movie or some of Jordan Peele's work.

Martha will generally watch classics (that she used to watch with Randy when they were younger) and even has a few faves that her kids have shown her.

It was never explicitly said that these movie watchings were to prepare for a life in her hometown, but it became more apparent to her kids over time. (like not to add extra trauma to these kids but like. im gonna add extra trauma to these kids)

she would start off with things she remembered watching with her brother. which wasn't Randy's usual stuff, btw. It wasn't all slasher stuff and hot girls. Randy did have some self awareness haha

also !! classic monster horror. not necessarily scary. kinda cheesy, even.

Mindy absolutely grew up idolizing her uncle !! she's a little upset she'll never meet him. but she feels like she knew him so well just with how many stories she's heard about him.

Growing up she's mirrored so much of her personality around him. Her mom is so proud of her, no matter what she does, but it makes Martha tear up sometimes. She really misses her older brother.

she of course loves horror films. i mean any films, really. she's drawn towards more modern stuff. less of the splatterfests and more psychological. but really she's always up for any sort of scare :)

Chad has never liked horror!! :( He doesn't enjoy being scared. He'll only watch it with his mom and sister or people he REALLY trusts / feels safe around. he appreciates the sillier more humorous horror!! more absurd, more cheap, the better.

This sort of "fear of fear" is intensified after the 25th anniversary attacks.

Tara and Amber were literally dating what're yall talking abt???

like their feelings for each other were SO apparent in the movie. plus it makes the betrayal with Amber as one of the killers just that juicier <33

apparently theres a text limit. i'll cont. this post soon <3

Stu's still alive I don't care what y'all say :((

#im like nah. i dont like this movie very much #i havent even read anyone elses headcanons for this movie #and its one of my least favorite scream films and yet #and YET #i really love whatever version i crafted in my head lol #scream 2022 #scream 5 #5cream #5cream spoilers #scream 2022 spoilers #scream 5 spoilers #scream spoilers #samantha carpenter #tara carpenter #martha meeks #mindy meeks martin #chad meeks martin #agere headcanons #scream agere #agere sfw #sfw interaction only #dreamties rambles #headcanons #scream headcanons #lemme know if there are any massive typos #its 4am lol #this is the fourth time ive tried to rewrite this like all week

[voice-of-anarchy]

ARCH ENEMY's MICHAEL AMOTT Says 'Metal Should Be Underground': 'I Don't Want It In The Mainstream'

In a new interview with Australia's Silver Tiger Media, ARCH ENEMY guitarist Michael Amott was asked about the different ways in which heavy metal can be inserted more into the popular culture. He responded in part (as transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET): "I don't spend any time at all thinking about that kind of stuff. For me, it's all just about the metal, the community, really, and the writing of the songs, the recording, the producing and playing the shows and playing the guitar. I don't really think about the marketing aspect of it at all, really.

"It seems to change all the time now, how to get music into the ears and hearts of the fans. And we have good people working with us on that as well.

"I'm one of the lucky ones; I'm not doing it all by myself anymore," he continued. "For many years I was, but now I'm not. We're at a point now where it's more just saying yes or no to ideas that come in. So I don't really have a lot of input about that… And in a way, I don't think it's that important.

"I think metal should be underground," Amott added. "I don't want it in the mainstream, really — not too much. This is an alternative to the mainstream; it's an alternative to all that very premeditated, cynical approach to music. I mean, this is something that's from the heart and soul, and I want it to stay that way."

ARCH ENEMY released its latest record, "Deceivers", last year to critical acclaim.

Earlier this month, ARCH ENEMY returned to the road, touring the world in support of "Deceivers". The quintet is first appearing in New Zealand and Australia before heading to Japan. This summer, fans will have the chance to catch ARCH ENEMY at the biggest festivals across Europe.

ARCH ENEMY played its first post-pandemic show at the opening date of "The North American Siege 2022" tour with BEHEMOTH and NAPALM DEATH on April 16, 2022 at The Marquee in Tempe, Arizona.

Amott previously stated about "Deceivers": "Having just celebrated our 25th anniversary as a group and now releasing our 11th studio album, one could easily assume that we would be cruising along and going through the motions at this point. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to ARCH ENEMY and our new album, 'Deceivers'.

"It is, without a doubt, always a challenge to raise the bar each time in both the songwriting and production side of things, and it can feel a bit daunting before we get into it. But once we do get started and fully immerse ourselves in the creative process, it's really like there is nothing else in the world and we are very focused. And believe it or not, for the most part, we have a ton of fun making this music! Creating 'Deceivers' was no different. Once again we shut out the outside world and went deep into the artistic zone. I believe we pulled out some really interesting musical and lyrical themes this time, a few things might even raise an eyebrow or two — while retaining all the signature elements of the band. In the end, it's ARCH ENEMY at full speed and power."

#arch enemy #Michael Amott #2023 interviews

[fkinavocado]

Hello Dreea this is going to be a long rant so read-only if you want to

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday and I am in the phase of life where I have a lot of things to figure out and accept an lot of things as they are, I am still learning how to love life and live it to the fullest.

I'll be honest I did not know Harry Styles till 2019, in 2020 when life came to a halt because of the pandemic I started reading random fics and stuff and that's when I came across some beautiful fan fics written by his fans and that's when I joined Tumblr and became a casual fan but slowly I became a Harrie which I liked but now I am realising just how consuming it all can get and that I am getting too old for this shit lol there is always some chaos, so many opinions and stuff.

The recent drama has really given me an ick, I loved this fandom and it's amazing fic writers, met many new people and read incredible fics but I don't think I will be able to stick around anymore. I have been part of many fandoms back in the day but he truly has one hell of a fandom lmao plus I don't like OW idk why I don't even know her and it seems like she is going to be there in his life for a long time so I really got an ick and I have decided to wipe Harry Styles out of my life lol

I just wanted to say that I love your DI fic, it's very close to my heart and you have been so nice and kind to me, I have sent so many Anonymous asks and asked for many suggestions previously and you have always been so welcoming and kind to me, I will stop reading Harry fics because I can not do that without thinking of it all but I am still very much invested in the DI fic so I will read it on the Wattpad after a long break, I hope the sequel will be there. Lastly, I love your beautiful blog and all the fun convos we had here with you and your amazing anons ❤️❤️ I LOVE YOU ALL! Going to make the best of the last 5 years of my 20s lmao

first of all ❤️happy birthday!!! i'm so glad you still wanna keep up with daddy issues even if you choose to leave this fandom. made me feel really special 🥺

and thank you for all your lovely words 🥺❤️❤️

i'm sorry you're no longer having a good time around here and you feel like leaving but i gotta be honest, i totally get it and it's something i'm contemplating myself

i would still wanna write for this fandom, would still wanna read harry fics, would still love his music but i feel like i'm on the verge of pulling the plug when it comes to anything deeper than that. some of the things he's been associating himself with really rub me the wrong way and if things don't change soon i will detach myself from anything beyond ogling him as eyecandy lol. like if i feel i gotta make up excuses for some of the things he apparently stands by, then who am i fooling if not myself ya know? like if a man tells you who he is (actions rather than words), believe him. i apply that rule to anyone why would he be any different

i'm not quite there yet though. but he's walking on thin ice 🥲🥲

#this got me so emotional 🥺❤️❤️❤️ #ask